#it just sucks that there’s not more real thought put into public transport and instead most is into cars that people change over

[chaosbungone]

*smokes smoldering cigar*

“Ya know son*, the big car corporations are really just creating more waste than good via highways…”

*clears throat and takes another puff blowing smoke rings*

“If we deconstructed our system as we know it today and put more money into public transport—“

*coughs through a haze of smoke and looks on with teary eyes*

“People could save so much more money on gas, there’d be less carbon whatnot, and people would be able to have a more stable schedule based on public transport like trains and buses.”

*eyes grow wistful and longing*

“Damn shame it won’t happen in my lifetime but ya gotta fight for the future of happiness son*.”

*dissolves into light*

*”son” is used by old wizard who uses this noun as a genderneutral term for all the gooduns’ out there *tips Stetson* (cowboy wizard loves ya /p)

[jonthethinker]

After a long day of truly cursed thoughts, I’ve come to the determination that the Cerberus Assembly can act as a sort of Exandrian analog of our world’s Silicon Valley, and I hate it. I hate hate hate it.

The more I think about it, the more it just sort of melds into my mind as fact. I can’t escape it. This is where I live now.

You’ve got this collection of self-proclaimed super geniuses, unbounded by modern social mores and determined to invent a new sort of ethics, with an intent on shaping history and sagely guiding the world into a better future. This is despite the fact that most of the ideas they have inevitably end up making the world worse, and the only thing “new” that they really bring into the world is a bunch of actually very old ideas coated in fresh circuitry/magic.

But let’s dig a little deeper and start getting specific.

They both have these images of fiercely independent, creative bodies desperate to remain free from government control, and sometimes even as a check on that very government. The heads of the Cerberus Assembly outright say their intent is to act as a check on the Crown, and are known to have many secrets the Crown is, to their knowledge, totally unaware of.

Tech companies, particularly in America, have this outward facing very libertarian outlook on things, saying they don’t wish to interfere in the very important process of democracy and free speech, while simultaneously feeling it is their responsibility to fact check those in power and hold them to account, with their “serious vetting” of political ads and the like on their platforms. They also lobby heavily against any and all regulation of their various products and services, preferring to let the “invisible hand” of the market provide the service of keeping them in check, much as the Cerberus Assembly prefers to handle its own problems internally.

But when you really dig into the details this is all bullshit. The Cerberus Assembly, for all intents and purposes, IS the Empire. They run the secret police, for goodness sake. The two are so interconnected, and the Assembly as an institution is so dependent on the infrastructure and manpower, and of course money (because the fancy clothes, giant towers, and expensive sets of material components don’t pay for themselves) of the Empire to accomplish its goals, it can’t serve as a real check on Imperial forces possibly “overstepping”, and it also has no material interest in doing so; the more power and control the Empire has, the more power and control the Assembly has; the less freedom the citizens have due to authoritarian “safety” measures implemented by the Crown, the safer the Assembly itself becomes to pursue it’s morally dubious work and experimentation.

The same goes with Silicon Valley and the various tech companies that fall under its ethos. They will expound continually on the necessary freedom from government control they must have to truly change the world in the ways they think are best, but the primary source of money for most of these companies are governments. They either primarily contract with governments for most of their actual profits or to use its already established infrastructure, as is the case with Amazon, or depend heavily on publicly funded research for their innovations, which is everyone from Apple to Google to Microsoft and dozens and dozens of smaller companies besides. They then even get to patent these publicly funded innovations and hold a monopolized stranglehold on their use. This is not even to mention the starter capital necessary to form many of these companies in the first place itself was provided by governments, with the rather, shall we say “morally questionable” Kingdom of Saudi Arabia being among the top contributors to such start ups.

Even when either of these groups claim to be self-made, it’s all bullshit. So many of our famous tech overlords that supposedly built themselves from nothing started at the upper reaches of society, with more than enough capital and connections to insure they were never at any real risk of failing in the first place. Most even went to the same elite institutions of learning that provide the vast majority of the political leadership of the United States, institutions they had access to due to their wealth and familial connections, not their brains. Elon Musk’s family owned an emerald mine in Zambia for God’s sake, one his family would have never owned without the British Empire being a thing.

The same can be said for the Assembly. The upper classes of the Dwendalian Empire are lousy with mages and magic users. If they don’t have a place to climb among the nobility, they work for the Assembly, and hope to climb there. It shouldn’t surprise anyone that the only poorer mage recruits we know anything real about all were sucked up into the service of the Scourgers, one of the few arms of the Assembly known to regularly interact with societies lower reaches and not so positively at that, and had their familial identities obliterated in the process. Both of these groups are of the upper reaches of society and serve the upper reaches of society, and we should never think anything less.

And this brings us to the ideological framework both of these groups think with. They are both full to the brim with people who are individualists to the extreme. They all believe they are singular actors in the great tapestry of history, who got where they are by hard work and dedication, and anyone who isn’t there just didn’t do enough. The folks living in the tent city outside Zadash? lazy layabouts who simply have not applied their mind to be something greater, or perhaps their veins are just full of bad blood. Poor former factory workers in Detroit whose jobs have been moved to places where labor laws are weaker and wages are lower? If they’d only taken their education more seriously, they could be where I am! Or maybe they just never tried to be an Uber driver or delivering for Grubhub, because that’s how you really pull yourself out of poverty.

Meanwhile, most of the groups consist of people who have never once known real adversity and certainly not the hardship of poverty nor the lack of social and political power that position entails. They are blinded to the reality of most people in the world outside their rather small one, and thus have no understanding of the material hardship that most people experience during their everyday life.

You see this most clearer in the manner in which they try to solve what they see as societies great problems, with no clear thought put into the consequences of these particular solutions. In our world, this is particularly obvious. Uber is painted as an innovative means of transportation on a budget, when in reality it’s just a fleet of untrained, underpaid, non-unionized taxi drivers using their own personal vehicles at their own expense. Elon Musk is seen as this super genius when his solution to LA traffic wasn’t a more robust public transportation system or slowly reconstructing the city to be more pedestrian friendly, but instead to build a massive network of single car elevators under the city to zip cars to key hot spots faster in a manner people less anxious than me would still call risky at best. I mean most of these people think the key to ending poverty is teaching people to code or giving them STEM education, even when in a capitalist economy the only thing a sudden flooding of new coders and STEM educated folks would insure is that the jobs that require those skills will see a sudden massive drop in pay and benefits as the pool of prospective employees becomes over-saturated and individual workers no longer have any bargaining power to protect their once rare jobs. You already see this in animation and video game design, and you’ll certainly see it elsewhere.

For the Assembly, despite being praised as the brightest arcane minds of Wildmount, seem to get most of their ideas either by stealing them from others or digging them up out of the ground. But this is just the nature of empire; it’s always easier for an empire to consume than it is to create. So as little as they think of the Dynasty, they are eager to steal every little bit of knowledge they’ve discovered about Dunamis, and without the faith and moral sense the Luxon-based religion imposes, they will never be forced to put the use of this rare and dangerous magic into perspective. Imagine what harm they can cause with gravity and time magic when they don’t have that religious pressure to consider the value of life and choice. But this makes sense when their main sources of inspiration are the wizards of the Age Of Arcana; you know, the wizards whose hubris nearly destroyed the entire world and spurred an apocalyptic war that sent society into a dark age in which the gods themselves abandoned them? A+ inspiration material if you ask me.

Even the culture of these two groups in regards to how they regulate themselves is so eerily similar. Think of Delilah Briarwood. Member in good standing of the Cerberus Assembly. Also, worshipper of Vecna and talented necromancer. Only expelled from the Assembly after involvement from the Cobalt Soul, even when you know every other member of the Assembly almost certainly had loads of information on this lady.

It just makes me think of all the weird, right-wingers and Nazis who occasionally get expelled from the heights of Silicon Valley whenever some journalist exposes them, and how quickly their colleagues are to condemn them even when so many of them either knew this person was this way well before they were exposed or actively agreed with them and still do. I mean, think of how protected Bill Gates is, because of how much his philanthropist image has served to insulate and protect the gross consolidation of wealth and power in the hands of so few, even when his fortune was built on stolen ideas, military funding and research, and a hardcore software monopoly for well over a decade or two. Also, his philanthropy has done nothing to help African people build their own institutions of power independent of European and American influence, and have help distract us from the damage really caused to the entire continent by earlier colonialism and later capitalist imperialism.

This is to say as bad as our world is, I now definitely don’t want to live in Wildemount. I don’t want to live a world where Mark Zukerberg can cast Disintegrate. Not ideal. I guess I’ll just have to work that much harder to fix this one and not depend on learning Dunamancy to just put us on a different path. Bummer.

[elbiotipo]

Tell us your thoughts regarding car culture 🏁Its rant timeeeeee🏁

OK so my opinion comes from the perspective of someone who is... lower-middle class? I don’t know where my family would fit, we do own our house and nice things like (cheap) computers, but a car is beyond us. What I mean is that every time we attempted to own a car it always came with shitty stuff. It comes with predatory financial practices (NEVER trust any “car plan”, they are basically scams, you will be paying increasing amounts of money for YEARS without even seeing your fucking car AND they will ask you more money to get it on the first place) that can send you straight up broke, and a piling list of stupid bureaucracy, maintaince, checkups, fuel, repairs, and other bullshit expenses just for the price of saying “I own a car”.

To me personally, all those shitty things outweigh any benefit about cars. I’ve always walked around, took buses (and yes, I hate buses, especially here, but they do their job) and basically all my adult life has been spent on foot and public transportation. So I don’t see a car as a real necessity, just as a very expensive piece of metal that can drive you around, sometimes. But people (my family and others) get into the most ridiculous stuff JUST to say "I own A Car, like the neighbors" even if in practice, it doesn't get put to do anything useful. Like owning a pretty pretty horse.

That’s why I dislike car culture, and by that I mean The Car as a status symbol. Ohhh, you can’t be Middle Class if you don’t own A Car... ohh do you REALLY want to take the shitty bus all your life instead of having A Nice Car... ohhh you won’t get any women if you don’t have A Car (my dad actually, non-ironically, believes this)... ohhh but A Car is more practical, it’s really a Useful Tool (when you take into account all the fucking expenses, especially if you are low-class, it’s really, really not more practical)... oohh you really should get a drivers license Just In Case...ooohhhh my Car must be cleaner better and cooler than my neighbors or else they will think I’m not good enough to have A Nice Car... and that’s just my experience here, let’s not even get into their status on the USA as a Symbol of Freedom and their entire city planning based on them.

Cars, to me, are a tool and should be treated as a tool, but they’re treated as a status symbol. And it’s not like I dislike luxury, I want to get myself a Gamer PC and a Nice House like anyone else. But everything in my life experience has shown me that owning a car is more of a pain in your pocket for a bragging symbol than anything else. For what? Just to say “I got to the same place you did, but I didn’t have to take the bus like some kind of peasant”? There are many things cars are useful for, but it’s never about that. It’s always about Owning A Car, about saying “now I can take you on a date in My Car, because I’m Middle Class and I have one, no matter if I’m like 100k in debt”, rather of what you can actually do with them.

Which is in most cases, the same things you can do by taking the bus or the train.

In rural contexts, obviously cars are useful, in fact vital, a farmer of course needs good transportation. But in an urban context, they’re worse than useless. Everything a car could do in a city (besides noise and hitting people, oh, I haven’t even gotten into that yet!) can and should be done better by more walkable cities and good, robust public transportation.

Public transportation, here and elsewhere, is shit of course, but it’s incidentally because the culture of car ownership creates cities around them, instead of walkable cities and good public transportation. Why should you care about how the proles get around? Important people drive cars. You might say, “well, but paying for a car isn’t as bad as paying for public transportation” but it is. For a lower income family a car is a money black hole that demands constant attention for little reward except some supposed freedom of movement (cutting through maybe, an hour of two of walking?) and distance (OH SURE YOU CAN HAVE YOUR MAGICAL ROAD TRIP. HAVE YOU THOUGHT ABOUT HOW TO PAY FOR ALL THE GAS AND TOLLS YET?)

Have we talked about oil prices yet? have we talked about how oil prices fuck up everything that depends on on-road transportation? how the dependence of on-road transportation has murdered railways across the world? the fucking wars for fucking oil?

I don’t even need to talk about the enviromental impact of cars, do I? The fact that car crashes are the leading cause of injuries worldwide?

Argentina, of course, is a particular case, because the bulk of what I’ve said here (that cars are unaffordable for a lower-class family) is mostly because of Our Economical Problems. But look at the rest of the world, and they are even MORE obssesed about cars if it’s even possible. Cars, highways, entire cities, a fucking civilization built around them, to the point that you need to buy one just to get around, and if you can't, sucks to be you. Public transportation around THE WORLD (not only here) has been declining and becoming more shitty because of the dominance of cars.

For what? Oh, because if you have a car, you’re Middle Class, dontcha know. Everybody needs cars!

anyways, most of this is addmitedly projecting my own problems, but I hate cars, they are at the very bottom of my priorities, and I hate the entire culture behind them. If I ever own a car, it will be when I’m financially stable (so probably never) if I ever need to move stuff or go somewhere particulary far. Things I could do cheaper by bus or renting a truck, anyways. So fuck cars.

[melyaliz]

Chapter 1: Ride the Lightning

 Masterlist

Fandom: Marvel / X-Men 

Summary: Peter had seen a lot of weird things being an X-men but this woman was one of the weirder ones.  

Pairing: Peter Maximoff x OC 

Notes: Trying to figure out timelines for this is a pain. One of the reasons I HATE the X-Men. We are just going to say this is right after Apocalypse and Peter is around 25. I know I’m going to get hate for it because of time but oh well. 

ALSO: I promise requests are getting written. I just had to clean the 12 chapters of my novel so I could send them to my editors. (I’m so close to being done with the first draft I can taste it) 

All Masterlists @melyalizarchive​

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-------------------------------

He was never sure what had drawn him to her. It was like this magnetic pull. No matter what he did he found himself back to her. Racing toward her, unable to go anywhere else.

Lighting striking the highest point. 

Whoever said lightning never strikes the same place twice was wrong. 

Lighting always struck whatever was closest. The highest point in the sky. So if that point was still the highest point it would still strike it. 

And that was her, she was so high up he couldn’t see anyone else but her.

She was his angel in the clouds.

----

“Cyclops look out!” Jean screamed as she blocked the large bone spikes that were shot out at her boyfriend. Peter looked around the room assessing the problem. It was 6 of them against 4 of the bad guys. 

And they were kind of getting their asses handed to them. 

Only kind of though. 

Cyclops and Jean were fighting that weird bone shooty guy while Nightcrawler was dodging the mini earthquakes from the other guy while Peter was racing around the blonde chick shooting weird little light bombs at him while Jubilee tried to combat the bursts with her own pyrotechnics. 

While Storm, Strom was fighting a chick with hair that was almost as white as hers. 

A gust of wind and the chick crashed into a bus. 

But instead of seeming to get hurt the shock from the force between the chick and the bus seemed to get absorbed. Dropping down the chick shook her head eyes glowing bright blue sparks with energy. 

No one else noticed it, probably because of his speed, but the girl's hands started to flicker with some weird blue light her eyes matching. 

Slowly she stood and as Ororo sent another wave of wind the girl raised her hand the wind dying down and her hands glowing visibility now. 

Dashing toward his teammate Peter quickly moved the weather goddess away as the girl let out a blast of pure energy. He glanced back at the chick, her face completely stoic no expression, completely blank. 

It was kind of creepy. 

Once Strom was away from the blast Peter raced toward the girl. It was time to end this. 

Grabbing her from behind he pulled her hands behind her back against his chest trying to decide what his next move should be. 

“Time to chill out,” he said.  

Slowly she turned to look at him, her eyes glowing with energy, “We do not take orders from you.” she said before leaning back so her fingertips touched his wrist. 

And suddenly Peter felt… exhausted. 

It was as if someone was sucking the life out of him. Or his energy. Or his speed. 

The world seemed to slow, drain. 

He pulled away from her clutching his wrist eyes focusing on her face. Shock, as he realized the world around him, seemed to speed up, meet him. 

Her face looked blank, unmoving in that creepy child of the corn look. But her eyes, her eyes were alight with blue fire. Hair bright as she let the blue energy flow through her body. Rising her hands like a prayer she closed her eyes then spread her arms out letting a wave of energy flow sending everyone flying. 

In the dust of it, they were gone. 

Peter blinked looking around.

What had just happened? 

-------------

“Late at night, all systems go, you've come to see the show

We do our best, you're the rest, you make it real, you know” 

Metallica pulsed through Gemma’s headphones from her walkman as she moved from the bus stop of her job at the post office. 

“Adrenaline starts to flow

You're thrashing all around

Acting like a maniac

Whiplash”

Her hand tapped against the door letting the residual reaction flow through her hand. Small sparks of energy pulsing through her veins. Who needs coffee when they have an amazing song? 

“Morning!” Her coworker Sandra said waving to her from behind the table where she was organizing letters. Gemma waved back adding a little skip in her step as she made her way back to the packages department. 

Gemma liked the post office. It offered some sort of repetition, moving boxes around getting them where they needed to go. It was a lot of mental work but it was consistent and she liked that. They also didn’t mind if she played music while she did it which was a plus. 

And when she was done she was done. And she could go home and be home. 

And rest.

Gemma had always had problems sleeping. When her mutant abilities had emerged she had just assumed it had something to do with that. Her ability to absorb energy. It was as if every little thing charged her up and sent her into a spiral of energy that she couldn’t quite calm down from. It had taken years worth of therapy and mediation to get it under control. 

So when the restlessness had come back she wasn’t really sure why. 

It was as if even when she slept she felt even worse the next morning. No matter how early she went to bed or how long she slept in. 

“Have a good night last night?” Gemma was broken from her internal whining about wanting a nap by her co-worker Paul who nodded toward the large bruise on her lower arm. She glanced down at it. Yeah, it kind of looked like a handprint. 

“Honestly, I don’t even know where I got that.” Gemma laughed pulling at her sleeve trying to cover it and wishing she had worn longer sleeves.  

“Man I need the drugs your on” he laughed as he handed her another box. 

“Yeah Metallica is one hell of a drug” 

“Oh have you checked out Twisted Sister yet?” 

“Yeah, I loved it,”

“You should come over tonight, ya know, listen to it. I just got a new kickass stereo” 

Gemma bit her lip nervously glancing at Paul. She knew what “hang out and listen to music” meant and… honestly, all she really wanted to do tonight was sleep. Like for real. 

“Sorry I promised my parents I would… do this thing.”

“Oh that’s right christen girl.” Paul laughed shaking his head, “Well if you ever want to see how us pagans live let me know.”

“I’ll keep it in mind thanks.”

After several more long hours even her powers couldn’t help her charge enough. Gemma felt like she was going to pass out on the shipping floor. The end of the day couldn’t come soon enough.  

Slowly she dragged herself back to the bus stop before putting in her headphones and resting as the bus drove her home. 

-------------

No matter how fast he ran Peter could not get that feeling out of his head. 

His literal speed being drained from his body. 

It was back now, the energy within him quickly recharging after they had regrouped at a team but he still felt like he needed to run out that bad taste that was in his mouth. 

That feeling. Like slowly getting tired. As if something was draining you. Sucking the very lifeforce out of your body. 

He hated it. 

Shaking his head he was about to do another lap around the coast when it caught his eye. 

She caught his eye. 

Maybe it was because he was thinking about last night but… there was no way. 

Yet he could have sworn…

No, it wasn’t possible. 

Doubling back he ran toward the bus again. 

There was no way.

------

The bus stopped to let more people on. Gemma ignored them as she pulled her bag onto her lap to give a newcomer a seat. Settling back in she adjusted her headset as her eyes flickered up for a moment to see a silver-haired boy walking purposefully up to her. 

Shit

Please leave me alone. I'm tired.

“It’s you”

Silence stretched between them both. “Oh sorry” she finally said, “I thought there was more to that pickup line.”

Peter felt himself confused, “No I… you know” he sat down next to her making sure he kept enough of a distance from her that he could get away quickly, especially her hands, “The one from the energy plant. Look if you come quietly…” 

Was this guy insane? Possibly, I mean this was public transportation.  

“Trust me,  I’m not...” 

“Wait are you listening to Pink Floyd?” he asked quickly pulling off her headphones putting one side to his ear.

“Ohhhh ok.” So this guy was insane, fun. “It’s ok never really been that big of a fan.”

“What?” his large brown eyes looked at you in pure shock as if you had just told him the world was flat and that stars are just fireflies stuck in the sky. You shrugged.

“I’m just more of a Metal fan” 

“Like what?” 

“Like this” you pulled out the tape and placed Iron Maiden in pressing play as Trooper blasted through the speakers. Gently she put the headphones on his head. 

He nodded as the music blasted through the speakers. The energy around it is loud and addicting. He was familiar with the band and while his tastes leaned more for contemporary and experimental rock.  

So here’s the thing about talking to strangers on a bus. Don’t do it, especially if they think you are someone you are not. 

But there is also the other thing. 

Gemma could basically blast this guys head off if she wanted. Maybe not at this moment considering that she felt like she was about to fall asleep at any moment, but if she really needed to he could drain his energy and get away no problem. 

So why not talk about music with someone on a long bus ride home. 

Also, she had other headphones so if he had some weird ear fungus whatever. 

Call it loneliness. Call it boredom. Call it sleep-deprived. 

Call it whatever you want but today she decided to just hang with a crazy stranger and listen to music. 

So they sat a half a foot apart the headphones stretched between them as she showed him different songs she liked. 

“This is me” she finally said a few songs later. Peter blinked in confusion at her comment. Turning to her as the song paused. The girl nodded toward the stop that their bus was slowing down toward. “So yeah…” unplugging the headphones leaving them on his hand she got up grabbing her bag before moving around him to get out. “See ya never” 

Peter sat in shock for a moment, what had just happened? How had the time flown by so fast? Normally it was him flying through as the world stood and waited. Blinking a few times he realized the girl was already walking off the bus.

“Hey!” 

She paused turning looking over her shoulder at the weird man sitting there with her headphones still in his hand looking at her as if he hadn’t quite caught up with what was going on. It’s ok not all of us are quick on the uptake. 

Her bright blue eyes sparkled with the evening sun outside the window and a private joke she was enjoying. That’s when he saw it. The way her fingers tapped the metal handrail in time with the music still echoing in her brain. 

Blue sparks. 

“I… What’s your name?” 

“Gemma” 

Two more steps and she was gone, the door closing behind her. Bus pulling away. 

What the hell? 

---------

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[krreader]

BTS scenario → falling for their friend with benefits.

pairing: bts x reader fandom: bts warnings: mentions of sex ; fwb relationship ; some don’t have a happy ending ; language genre: angst

a/n: no bb, your english is fine, don’t worry!!! thank you for your request, I really hope you like it ♥

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kim seokjin

Jin wasn't exactly the kind of guy to start a fwb relationship in the first place, but one thing led to another after he had met you and now you two were occasionally sleeping with each other, without any feelings involved.

Or at least he thought so in the beginning.

Because as much as he liked to be one of those guys where sex was completely meaningless, he just wasn't.

The more he slept with you, the more he wanted to please you like no other had before. The more he kissed you, the more he realized he never wanted to stop. The more love bites he left on your body, the more he realized he wanted you to be his. Fully his.

But he didn't know how to tell you, didn't even know if you felt the same way.

So one night, after you were both covered in sweat and you wanted to get up, he wrapped his arms tighter around you, stopping you from leaving.

“Stay..”

You chuckled, falling back against his chest without even trying to get away, “Why? Want a round two?”

“You should just sleep here. It's late and I don't like it when you take public transportation at this hour.”

“Well, you do have a car,” you put your chin on his chest, “And if you're really nice, I might suck you off afterwards.”

“I don't think I'm able to move after those two hours,” he came up with one excuse after the other, but whether or not you realized it, he didn't know.

You did end up sleeping over for the first time and you did fall asleep against his chest.

And only when he was sure you were off to dreamland, did he whisper against the crown of your head: “I wish you'd love me like I love you..”

min yoongi

Yoongi had truly never expected this to happen, especially because he had been the one to bring up the whole friends with benefits thing.

You two were consenting adults, you were both lacking a good fuck and you were both attractive, so he figured it would be going smooth. No feelings, no emotions, just rough sex whenever you needed it.

Who would have thought that it wasn't you, but him that ended up falling in love with you.

The first time he realized it, was probably when you accidentally fell asleep in his bed for the first time. You two had been going at it for almost three hours, you having had more than six orgasms and you were so exhausted, that you basically passed out after he pulled out.

He had chuckled and had decided that it would probably be best if he cleaned you up, since you couldn't do it yourself. And that's when it all started. When he gently rubbed a wet towel over your body and started admiring things that he never saw before. When he saw the fluttering of your eyelids and that small smile when he pressed his fingers into your lower back and massaged you a bit. When he couldn't help but lean down and press his lips against your temple.

And maybe, just maybe, he ended up fucking you for as long as he could, just so you would fall asleep more and more in his bed and just so he could hold you in his arms and pretend like this was real.

Because as much as he wanted to, he couldn't tell you.

He couldn't admit his feelings to you, when he couldn't even really admit them to himself.

His fingers were gently running over your arm, staring at the ceiling as he closed his eyes and pretended that this was more.. that you and him were more.

jung hoseok

“I thought I'd surprise you,” you put down your bag, as well as the food you had brought and straddled him on his chair a second later, your hands interlinking behind his neck, “Why didn't you answer my calls?”

Because I can't do this anymore. Because I can't look at you and pretend that you're only a fuck buddy to me, when in reality I want you to be my girlfriend. Because I fucking love you.

“Just busy,” he lied, a fake smile on his face.

“Want me to help you relax?” you leaned your forehead against his.

“I actually..-”

But you were already untangling yourself from him and kneeling down in front of him, about to pull his sweatpants down a bit, when he stopped your hands and shook his head.

“What?” you cocked your head to the side.

“Can we just.. talk, maybe?”

“Talk?” you asked in surprise, “Talk about what?”

“I don't know.. your day? My day?”

You never did that. It was usually just you two meeting up, fucking and then one of you leaving again. But he seemed as if he didn't need a blowjob, but someone to talk to.

And you know, the whole friends with benefits thing had an important word that you sometimes forgot. Friends.

“Sure,” you smiled and got up, sitting on his lap again, but not straddling him, instead, leaning against him, “Tell me whatever you want to..”

kim namjoon

You know what's frustrating? Having the sexiest woman alive strip in front of you, but not being able to focus, because all you wanted to do was pull her towards you and tell her you loved her.

“Hm.. are you.. okay, babe?” you furrowed your eyebrows as you stared at his crotch.

Usually he'd be rock hard at this point.

“Sorry.. I was just.. thinking.”

“Thinking?” you sat down next to him, suddenly a bit worried, “About what? Is everything alright?”

“You're going to hate me,” Namjoon laughed humorlessly, “Especially because I was the idiot that told you he wanted to keep it strictly about sex.”

Yeah. You remembered that conversation rather vividly. You had confessed to him, had told him you liked him, but he had told you that he only had time for a sexual relationship and as stupid as you had been, you had agreed, because you figured sex with him was better than nothing at all.

“Seriously?”

“Trust me.. I'd like to slap myself for figuring it out so late as well,” he raised his head, looking directly into your eyes, “I know that you're probably over me and you have every right to be, but..-”

You didn't even let him finish the sentence, already leaning over and pressing your lips against his for the shortest, but sweetest kiss.

You pulled back only an inch, so that your forehead was still against yours, “I could never be over you, Kim Namjoon,” you smiled.

park jimin

Today was weird.

Jimin wasn't the roughest lover, but he also wasn't exactly soft.

Today, however, felt more like love making, than simple fucking.

And that scared you.

Especially when he wrapped his arms around you from behind as you were getting dressed again and pressed his lips against your cheek, “Stay for a bit longer.. I could get some food..”

“I can't. I have work to do,” you lied, too scared that if you stayed, you would do or say something you regretted.

Like confessing the feelings you've harbored for him for so long, when you were sure he didn't reciprocate them.

But tonight gave you hope. And sometimes, hope was fucking horrible.

“Just an hour.”

You slowly turned around, looking up at him through the darkness of the room, “Why?”

“Just because,” Jimin shrugged, a smile on his face that made it look like he really had no reason behind it, when in reality, he wanted you to stay because he knew the second you'd leave, he'd miss you, “We could watch a movie, or play some video games?”

“That's what couples do. Not friends that fuck each other.”

His arms were still around your waist, as he carefully dipped his head down and pressed his lips against yours in the softest way he ever had before.

You couldn't help but sigh into the kiss, and let out a low moan when he bit your lower lip.

“I know,” he whispered against you.

kim taehyung

Taehyung had known from the start that this wouldn't work for him. That simply sleeping with you wouldn’t be enough for him, when it had never been about sex in the first place.

You had told him that you were both too busy to be dating, both of you being popular idols and both of you having too much at stake to fall in love with each other.

He had managed to endure it for almost five months, when he found out that you and someone from another popular band had flirted to the point that somebody else thought you were in a relationship.

That's how this fight had started.

“We're not in a relationship, Taehyung.”

“And that's killing me!” he screamed, his chest heaving heavily, while his eyes were huge, “It's killing me that you leave every time we're done fucking. It's killing me that you won't let me kiss you anymore, because you think it's too intimate. It's fucking killing me, that you don't feel the same way about me and probably look for another fuck buddy already, just because you know that I'm in love with you.”

Yes, you knew. But hearing him say it made you realize you couldn't ignore it any longer.

“What do you want me to do, Tae? I.. I told you that this wouldn't work, I told you that friends with benefits was the most I could give you.”

He took two steps towards you and cupped your cheeks as softly as he could and even though you wanted to walk away, you didn't. Not when you saw the tears in his eyes. Not when you realized he loved you with all his heart.

“Whatever you're afraid of.. we could deal with it. I could deal with it. We won't make it public, we won't talk to anyone about it.. just.. give me a chance to show you that I can be more.”

If you two were different, if you were normal and didn't have the responsibilities you had... if you weren't in the public eye and had more freedoms, you would have smiled and you would have told him yes. You would have given him a chance.

But that wasn't the life you were leading. Neither of you.

And so with regret, because you really never wanted to break his heart, you whispered, “I'm sorry, Taehyung,” before gently pushing his hands away and walking out of his room, apartment and life.

And it felt like you could literally hear his heart shattering into pieces.

jeon jeongguk

“Do you have a boyfriend, (Y/N)?” Jeongguk's jaw tightened at the question directed at you, especially because he knew what your answer was going to be.

“No,” you laughed sweetly, “No, I'm single.”

Single, yet being fucked by Jeongguk almost every single night. Screaming out his name almost every single night and being covered in his love bites almost every single night.

Yes, your 'relationship status' might only be friends with benefits, but he hated it at this point. He hated that you always said you were single, when you slept in his bed, fell asleep in his arms and woke up in his arms.

He hated that he was apparently the only one that developed feelings and that you could still say he was only a good fuck, when he already told his friends that he was in a relationship with a girl that he loved.

And so later that night, when you walked into his bedroom as always and you wanted to undress him, he pushed your hands away, “I'm not in the mood.”

“Oh, come on,” you whined, “I've been looking forward to this all day.”

But he just walked over to his closet and started changing into his pajamas, leaving you standing at the door, thinking about just leaving if he didn't want to sleep with you.

But just as you were about to do so, he said: “I don't want to be your fuck buddy anymore, (Y/N).”

“Sorry?” you turned back around.

“I want to be your boyfriend,” Jeongguk took up all the courage he had within him and turned around to look at you, “I want to hear you say that you're in a relationship. With me. I don't want you to go around anymore and tell people you're single.”

So, THAT'S why he had been so pissed all night.

“And.. why exactly do you think I want that, too?”

“Because you never get up anymore after we have sex. You always cuddle with me and you always want my arms around you. You wake up next to me and the first thing you do is smile at me and tell me how good I'm looking. Because you look at me the same way I look at you when you think I don't see it,” the more he talked, the closer he got, until he was standing right in front of you, having you trapped between him and the door behind you, “Because I know that you're as scared as me about turning this into something more.”

Your breathing hitched in your throat as you looked up at him, gulping down hard before you said, “I don't want you to regret it..”

“I will never, not even for a second, regret being with the woman I love.”

[clevercatchphrase]

2019 year in review

So… The 2010’s are almost over. Huh. What a decade it’s been. Hard to comprehend how much has changed in 10 years. I can barely believe that I was in high school at the beginning of this decade, and now I’m a college graduate with 2 degrees who’s been working at the same job for the last 3 years. But trying to summarize the past 10 years in a single post is a good way to give myself an existential crisis, so let’s not do that! Instead, let’s just focus on 2019 because there has been more than enough shit that’s happened to me in this year to talk about.

PART 1 OF 2: 2019 AND 2020 GOALS AND RESOLUTIONS

Huh, looking back through my archives, I apparently didn’t make a tumblr post about my goals this year. I definitely had some, though. Lemme list ‘em off real quick, and then we’ll go through them point by point.

1)      Pay off all my student loans 2)      Finish some song comics 3)      Make art for my Redbubble account 4)      Finish the first rough draft/script of a game I wanted to make 5)      Practice ASL 6)      Sew some stuffed animals 7)      Finish some fan fictions 8)      Work on Ghost Switch 9)      AMVs 10)   Do some original writing 11)   Make illustrations for my fan fictions

Okay, first off, the student loans. I was actually SO CLOSE to successfully completing this one bUT THEN MY CAR HAD TO BE A WHINEY PISS BABY AND HAVE ITS ALTERNATOR DIE ON ME WHILE I WAS ON THE HIGHWAY AND THEN A BLOW OUT THREE WEEKS LATER.

GOD, if I had to summarize this year in two words, for me it would be “Car troubles”. I swear I spent more on auto repair in the first third of this year than I ever have just freakin’ OWNING a car. All four of my tires had to be replaced, my alternator failed and my car literally just SHUT OFF while I was driving, and I was barely able to coast into a gas station. Both my front breaks and rear breaks were worn down the metal and I only learned this when my car was barely able to stop after I had to slam the petal down full force!  I went in for an oil change, and they found some problems and then I didn’t get my car back for three days! I don’t even like owning a car! I hate driving! I hate my country’s refusal to provide universal, free public transportation! I NEVER ASKED FOR THIS!

Oh-kay… number 2. Finish some song comics. I didn’t finish any. But that doesn’t mean I didn’t work on them. I have made tiny progress, but that’s certainly better than no progress. One of these song comics I hope to be realizes is going to be a collab with one of my friends. It’ll be a long-time coming as it’s pretty low priority for the both of us, but if anyone else out there was disappointed with KH3’s ending, we’re gonna have ya’ covered… With SONG!

3. Make some redbubble art. I actually did this one! Not in the way I expected, but I added (technically) 3 new designs to my redbubble in the middle of the year. If you like butterflies and dragons, I got some product for you~!

Number 4, finish a script for a game I want to make. I… thought about this. I thought about this a lot, but I never put pen to paper, so… oops. It almost happened! I debated making this my main writing project for NaNoWriMo this year, but ended up having more inspiration for another story. Maybe next year? (god, I hope not. I don’t want to wait a full year just to write something)

Number 5, practice ASL. I just straight up didn’t do this and I only have myself to blame. Still keepin’ up that Danish Duolingo streak, though. 4 years going strong and not a day missed yet.

Number 6, sew some stuffed animals. Again, another one I just straight up didn’t do, but I have an excuse of trying to save money while my car crashed and burned in every other sense except literal this year. Hopefully 2020 will be different. I’ll definitely be able to pay off this last loan within the first half of 2020, and then I can start saving for whatever I want to buy.

Finish some fan fictions was number 7, and I did this! Well, I only finished, 1, but it was a story I’ve been working on for over 3 years, and it came out to over 200 THOUSAND words long, which is the longest thing I’ve ever written, and I’m quite proud of myself. Now that the big story is out of the way, and I’ve gotten into a good rhythm of working on Ghost Switch, maybe I can squeeze in some short writing sessions more frequently. (either that, or just wait for my car to break down again and then go on a writing spree in a pepboys. The lord and the fan fic discord know that’s solely why I finished my other fic this year)

Speaking of Ghost Switch, working on it was a goal this year too, and I did that! I kept it up all year and took a vacation in November and it was wonderful. While the major plot points have been in place since before I started drawing, I still need to script each arc beyond Snowdin, but hey, by the time we get there, it’ll be 2022 so I got time. (Note, don’t do this, kids. Script your stories and comics thoroughly before publishing. The road I’m on is paved with misery and pain and it will only end in tears unless I change lanes soon)

Number 9, amvs. Do people make AMVs anymore? Idk… the last one I made was... Jesus, 5 years ago? (it was a gravity falls/fall out boy crossover, if you were curious) I’ve been wanting to do 2 more for just as long, but in order for me to do that, I’d have to spend time re-watching the shows to find the footage, and then actually edit them together, and I just don’t…. feel like it. Maybe someday, but not any day soon.

10; do some original writing. I did this! For nanowrimo! I wrote the first draft of some original fiction I’ve been planning for a year or two now and it completely sucks! But it’s on paper now and I’m happy. Will I revise and edit it? Sure, but not for a while. I want to let it sit and forget about it and look at it with new eyes months from now so I can be sure I can make it better when time comes to rewrite.

11, make illustrations for my fan fics. Now that You Monster is done, I want to go back and add pictures to it. I didn’t do any this year, but I did keep a list of scenes I wanted to draw, so I have plenty of ideas to do as warm up sketches next year~ I kinda want to stream them~

So, that was 11 goals, and I successfully fulfilled 4 of them! That’s! Not a very good ratio… QmQ So, goals for 2020. Some I’m gonna keep from this year, some I’m gonna drop and some I’m gonna add. In short I would like to,

1)      Finish paying off that last student loan 2)      Put more stuff on my redbubble 3)      Illustrate my own fan fics 4)      Sew at least one stuffed animal 5)      Make an enamel pin 6)      Read one new book a month 7)      Write one page a day/Complete at least one new fan fic 8)      Learn Python or C# for the game I want to make 9)      Finish fully scripting Ghost Switch 10)   Boost my patreon

Most of these I think are pretty self-explanitory, but I’ll go into detail just a bit because I’m on a roll and typing my thoughts helps me feel less alone in the middle of the night when you’re super tired and you know you should probably go to sleep, but the toddler in you is throwing a tantrum and doesn’t wanna go to sleep just yet, but you can’t fight the progression of time either way.

Number 1- I should be able to reach this goal by the end of March. End of June at the absolute latest. Once that goal is met, my secret new year’s resolution will be unlocked as well!

Number 2- I want to put more art of my OCs on redbubble. These OCs are tied to the game I want to make. There’s already some art of them up there, but I want at least one piece for each character.

Number 3- Mostly for You Monster. Embrace the cardinal rule of fan fic and apply it to fan art. If you want to read about see art about certain ideas, scenarios, or what-ifs, you gotta make it yourself.

Number 4- I have 3 potential ideas to sew. One is definitely leagues easier than the other two and will probably be chosen if/when I have the time and materials.

Number 5- This year I got really, REALLY into the idea of making enamel pins. Unfortunately it’s a pretty big investment (like, $350 to make 100 pins you  might not even sell). If this happens, it’ll probably be towards the end of the year, and if I get enough interest. I’m currently torn between making an original enamel pin and one based off Undertale. We’ll just have to see where this goes.

Number 6- Back in 2018 when I paid off one of my many student loans, I rewarded myself by spending over 200 dollars in used books. All these books had a theme; they were focused on dragons because I have a problem. I have not yet read a single one of these books I have bought, and I would like to fix that. I have, like, 20 unread dragon books, and even if I only read 12 out of 20, I would consider that an amazing accomplishment and money well spent.

Number 7- I currently have about 8 different WIPs I could work on. (well, I don’t know if I can even call them wips. More like, a general idea and a title written down.) I want to build good writing habits, and if I can write just 200 words a day, hell, even 200 words a week and just one of my 8 stories done, I would consider this goal met.

Number 8- I’m torn between making my game in unity or ren’py. I know jack shit about both. Ren’py is more user friendly, but unity will allow me more customization. (Lol, can you guess what kind of game I want to make yet?)

Number  9- I really just want the full story to be done and written incase anything goes horribly terribly wrong in my life and I find myself unable to continue making ghost switch in comic form. Then at least I can finish the story by other means, you know?

Number 10- It always surprises me every month when I get that patreon email saying I got paid. Sure, I don’t even make double digits on it, but it still awes me enough to know that people out there like my work enough to throw me a tip. I can’t thank my patrons enough for supporting me and I hope to one day be in such a good place I can update my comic/song comics/writing frequently enough without need for goals or milestones. But until that magical day arrives, money is always a great incentive for anything, I suppose. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

 ALRIGHT. PART 2 OF 2: SHIT THAT HAPPENED TO ME IN 2019

Cheesus crust what a year. This year started off great! Back in late January Kingdom Hearts 3 FINALLY released, and let me tell you a little story. Back in the summer of 2006 I was a 13 year old middle schooler with no way of making money other than by doing house hold chores at a rate of 25 cents a task. A few weeks ago, I had a sleep over at a friend’s house and they let me play this weird game called “Kingdom Hearts” and god, I was instantly hooked on it. That summer, I did over 800 chores, enough to earn myself 200$ and buy myself a playstation 2 (just in time for the ps3 to come out, gg me) The only games I had for the ps2 were KH1, 2, Re:CoM and Okami, and I beat them all… except Okami. Miffed that the PS3 wouldn’t allow for backwards compatibility, little 13-year-old me made a promise. I looked myself in the mirror and said “I will not buy the next playstation console until KH3 comes out, AND BOY that was probably a good choice for me to make with my level of gaming. I’m even less of a casual gamer than the average casual gamer, but I have been waiting 13 years for this piece of closure, and I even told my friends and family that “the day Kingdom Hearts 3 comes out is the day I will buy a playstation 4”. My dad apparently thought this was the funniest shit, because he literally took the day off from work that Friday to drive me on base to get the game and console (he thought it would be less crowded than a regular walmart, I suppose). I paid $400 on a ps4 pro while he bought me the game. Again, I have an impecible sense of timing seeing as the PS5 is now right on the horrizion, but just like before, I’m not buying a new console until the next KH game is released. See you in 2045, sony~. While I was at the gamestop on base, I also picked up Okami HD and The Last Guardian. For all of February and even early March, I took my time playing through KH3. And…! It was the best disappointment I’ve ever played. After a month away from gaming, I started The Last Guardian and finished it in a couple weeks. I love trico and would die for him, but trying to get 100% completion on that game is udder insanity. Okami, HD, however… again after a month break after finishing TLG, I started replaying Okami. I think I had only managed to get about halfway through the game before I just… stopped playing it on my ps2 version. I am currently SO CLOSE to getting a 100% on the ps4 version. In fact, I’ve beaten the game. I only (techinically) need 2 more trophies to be done; 1st, escape the water dragon without being eaten, 2nd, I need to beat that dumb stupid race with Kai, in order to get the last bead on my rosary, as well as the top dog trophy. I hate her so much. I hate this race so much. It’s awful and bad.

Flash forward to December! Earlier this month I was at Barnes and Noble, buying myself a planner for 2020. I exit the store and notice that there’s a gamestop across the street. For shits and giggles I go inside to look at their game selection, and I find KH 1.5 and 2.5. Now, my PS2 died a few years back (it just won’t read my discs anymore, I don’t know why) and I haven’t been able to replay any of my other kingdom hearts games since. If you had seen me the day I finished kingdom hearts 3, after the ending credits rolled, you would have heard me say “Man…. I wish I could play kingdom hearts 2 again”. AND NOW I CAN, ALONG WITH BBS which I had never even played yet, but knew the story of. I’ve restarted playing kh1, and I was so happy to hear that familiar music when I booted the game up for the first time. While at the game stop, I also picked up Rime and Tearaway, two games that had looked interesting to me. At the time of writing, I’ve finished Rime and am 25% done with tearaway. Rime was…. An interesting experience. I learned about it through Jacksepticeye’s channel a couple years back and thought the art style was enticing. For a super casual gamer like me, I found the puzzles just the right level of challenging and exploring was a blast! The music gave me VERY strong Princes Mononoke vibes, but the overall story left something to be desired. Overall I had fun, and enjoyed completing this game to 100%. Now for tearaway. Can I just say this game is super fucking adorable? I know the original was on the ps vita and the gameplay there was arguably more diverse and imaginative, but this game is just so fucking cute I don’t care?? ALSO, this game’s sound track is ABSOLUTELY incredible and I’ve only heard the first fourth of it! Listen to The Orchards, Pig Riding, and Gibbet Hill Pilgrimage for a taste of their wonderful beats and fantastic use of string and woodwinds! God, I’m so excited to get some more games in 2020. I’m proud to say I currently own more ps4 games than I ever did with my ps2 (and now the majority AREN’T Kingdom Hearts titles!), and I’m still hoping to play Journey, The Witness, and Abzu before everything becomes ps5.

What else happened to me this year. Oh, I went to a doctor for, like, the first time in seven years. I also had my blood drawn for the first time ever, and the nurse said the most disturbing thing to me while she did it. Now, whenever I get shots, I refuse to look. I did that here. So she thought it would be appropriate to say to me “Can you feel your blood leaving your body?” Lady… You can clearly see I am uncomfortable with what is happening here. Why, of all the things you could say, did you choose to say that. Unfortunately, while my doctor is nice, she keeps wanting to run tests on me, that I just cannot afford with my current salary, and my monthly insurance is about to go up to 200$ a month, so I’ve cancelled my next appointment with them, and don’t plan to go back until it’s absolutely necessary. Capitalism is fun, guys. Preventative healthcare is for wusses.

I started going to a chiropractor on a monthly basis. Story time- I don’t know when it started, but sometime late last November I began to notice that I had a headache that just... wasn’t... going away? And each day it was starting to get a little worse. It made it hard for me to find a comfortable position to sleep, it made it hard for me to be in bright areas or move fast. So I said to myself “Okay, if this headache persist through the month of december, then something is proooobably wrong and I should go see someone about it. And hoo-boy were thing wrong with me. By the time this January rolled around, I couldn’t even stay on my feet for more than a few hours without it physically hurting to just BREATHE. So I started going to this chain called The Joint (A+ name, I know). THey aksed me “How are you doing?” I said “I’m in pain” and they said “We can help fix that!”. I’ve only been to a chiropractor once before in my life a few years back after my freshmen year of college because I began to notice my hips weren’t able to support me? LIke, I would lie on my back, and I couldn’t push my hips up when my feet were flat on the floor. I also couldn’t climb anything steep, because my legs just couldn’t push me up if my knee had to bend more than 90 degrees when I lifted my leg up. (Turned out both my hips were apparently out of place). This time only one of my hips were out of place (which they fixed. they said one of my legs was an inch “longer” than the other because I had been leaning all my weight on one leg when I stand). But two of my ribs were apparently “Stuck” which was why it was hurting for me to just breathe, and one of my shoulders was missaligned too, causing one of my trap muscles to constantly be streched, which was pulling on my skull, and causing the headache. Anyway, after they popped all my bones back into place, I still felt terrible, but by god, that night was the first time in weeks I was able to sleep without a migrane. A chiropractor can’t magically heal your arthritis, or fibro, but I definately think they have merit to keeping your posture good and helping your body with things like circulation. 10 outa 10, would recomend. It’s all the fun of getting your neck snapped without the dying!

Earlier this month I got together with two of my friends and we baked Christmas cookies. It was a lot of fun, as well as a great learning experience. A member of my family has a gluten allergy, so we used rice flour for most of the cookies. We learned this is a bad idea! The cookies will just fall apart! A few member’s in one of the friend’s family have nut allergies. Other friend and I knew this and were careful to avoid cookie recipes with nuts, bUT THEN COMPLETELY FORGOT THAT ALMOND MILK AND ALMOND EXTRACT COUNT AS NUT. IN FACT, ALMOND EXTRACT IS PURE CONCENTRATED NUT JUICE AND WE FELT SO BAD FOR ALMOST ACCIDENTALLY POISONING THE FAMILY.

Earlier this year me and these same friends took a field trip to Hobby Lobby and just dicked around the store for a couple of hours. It was super fun, 11 outa 10, would recommend, a great date idea for your artsy S.O.

Back in May I went to a wedding for the first time in my life. (well, not true, but the first one I could remember) we left at 5am, drove 5 hours to get there, hung out at a zoo and spent the night in a la quinta before the wedding day. I slept on the bathroom floor because my mom was snoring too loud in the main room and keeping me awake, and the rest of the day was just spent me trying to keep myself together because I was pissed off and tired.

Other than all of that, nothing really major happened to me this year. I guess one more thing I’ve tried to do this year is started the process of breaking certain internet addictions so I can use my free time for more personal projects. Seriously, I found myself watching way too much youtube and following blogs that didn’t even make me happy. I had a personal intervention with myself where I sat down and asked myself, “why do you watch these videos and youtubers? Why do you follow these blogs? Do you really enjoy their content? Do you really care? If you stopped watching/following them, would you even notice?” After critically thinking it over, I’ve found myself unfollowing several channels and blogs and suddenly I feel so much happier. I thought I would miss it, but I realized I didn’t really care if I saw their content or not. I wasn’t missing much. And now I feel like I have more time to draw, read and write. If you think you spend too much time consuming and not enough time creating, I suggest you try and de-clutter your internet habits as well. It’s done wonders to un-fuck my headspace.

And… well, that about sums up my year. How are your holidays going? Anything fun, exciting, dramatic happen to you this year? I hope your new year is warm and safe! Good night, everybody!

[knightofquail]

Tall Girl, on Netflix

Okay so this movie has been rocking my world for like a good few hours. Mainly over the idea is being a tall woman a subordinate identity?

I do think that it can be a lot of contexts. Obviously there's the whole thing about society just not being made for people over six foot. For example, seating on public transportation (or even private sometimes, like I can barely drive my grandmothers little, yellow Volkswagen bug), doorways being too short or even just door handles not a comfortable height to open doors, beds not being long enough, the list is endless. That is generally stuff that can be applied to tall people in general regardless of other identities.

However with the tall identity it can be seen as the dominant identity in other contexts. When it comes to jobs, those who are taller are more likely to be remembered, when it comes to crowds it is easier to see over people, and when grocery shopping you can always reach the top shelf (I have been asked so many times to grab stuff for people). There is a stereotype that tall people are generally more athletic or have a higher chance to succeed in certain sports like running, volleyball and of course- basketball, but also there's a beauty component to it. There is also that whole idea that tall people are thin, beautiful, athletic people who are ripe for modeling. Which like any stereotype there are some truths to them but there are obviously people who don't fit into those ideas of tall people. For example, me. I'm not athletic or elegantly thin and my own insecurities tell me I am not beautiful but that's a whole other conversation.

However, when adding the identity of being a woman the whole situation changes. Men have the dominant identity when it comes to gender, we know, but also the whole height situation changes as well. Men are celebrated for being tall, in many social situations, like highschool (ugh) it can add to their social status and power. I'll never forget this one guy in high school who was remarkably similar to me in a lot of aspects. We were both tall, white, somewhat attractive, good at school, active in theater and sports (although him a lot more than me), and had similar tastes in media (okay we were both nerds and loved a lot of the same shows). However, in theater he was always chosen for lead male roles while I never had a chance at lead female roles because I was tall (I'm 6'3" for instance, and he is now 6'6"). He also had so much more power than me because he was accepted by our community immediately while I had to fight for my acceptance. In the movie, it showcases this with Stig being able to quickly soar to popularity, while Jodi has to march up on stage and declare her humanity.

The beginning of the movie also portrayed a frustration that many of us tall girls understand well, clothing. The clothing that is available to us darling tall people widely varies on location and our economic status. My tall friend from high school is able to express his gender identity a lot easier than I was able to because stores, even the rural area I lived in had clothing more available to him than to me. Meanwhile I felt as though I had to embrace a 'tom boy' identity because of the clothing that was available to me, which was athletic wear or farm attire- carharts, jeans and a T-shirt. I thought that the movie did embrace that at the beginning, having the main character Jodi wear pants that were short and a lot of athletic wear. However I thought what the movie didn't address was that clothing options for the main character seemed to be easier than most. For example, she was able to find clothing in a store that she could actually put herself into, and that it wasn't too expensive for her family to buy for her. In my experience and because of my rural location I could never walk into a store (that wasn't hours away) and try on clothing and have it fit the way it was meant to fit and reflect the way I wanted to present myself. The closest I ever got was the whole Maxi Dress movement which allowed for a dress that for a lot of tall girls meant actually having cloth near my ankles. But unfortunately that was not for me because I was still too tall for maxi dresses and because of what was available before I had fully shunned feminine clothing at the time. Dunkers was able to buy Jodi high heels that fit her because they were in a urban enough location to have a store dedicated to drag queens- something that couldn't be found in the very small, farmer populated rural area from which I was raised.

What was available to me was the internet, for which I am very lucky to have now, and came at a crucial time for me- again highschool. Through the internet I was able to buy clothing meant for tall women. However what isn't said a lot of the time is how expensive that stuff is. The question came to be, am I going to wait however many weeks it takes for my long pants to get here that I paid $70 dollars for, or I am going to go to the Walmart 30 mins away spend $60 dollars on three pairs of jeans that are too short and limit my wardrobe to figuring out what looks acceptable with rolled up jeans to hide the fact that they are too short for me? As someone who is now scraping every penny to go to college I was going to use the rolled up jeans look and have my ankles freeze in -30 degree weather so that I at least had three pairs of pants to wear not just one. Also, a lot of those websites who cater to tall women specifically cater to tall thin women, something that tall men would probably have less trouble because of 'big and tall' stores (although let's admit they still have trouble). But at least I can wear men's shoes and no one gives me sass for it!

Also speaking of sass about wearing shoes, I found it almost refreshing that when Jodi eventually did wear heels in the movie- no one gave her any sass for it. I have distinct memories about the few, rare, times I would wear heels everyone in my school would tell me, 'why are you wearing heels? you don't need them'. I don't think they should be necessary for anyone and I cry for anyone who they are necessary for because damn they're uncomfortable but unfortunately because of my height I was forbidden from partaking in a feminine practice of wearing heels.

Then there is just the identity of being the tall girl. I think the movie put it well when Jodi commented on how that's what people see when they look at her. They don't see that she more than just her height, only her friends do. The rest of the school sees her as an amazon, a giant etc. And yes, that's something that's never going to change. When people talk about me, they're going to say, "Oh yeah, she's that really tall girl, right?". Yes, it's a physical descriptor, but depending on the person's attitude about their height it can suck. If a person who views their height as negative, then every time that happens, every look a stranger gives to make sure you're not wearing heels or standing on something, or every comment whether it be about your perceived talent for basketball, the weather, or just 'whoa you're tall' can hurt like hell. Especially if all you want is to fit in which is a very common need/want in high school, which is exactly what the show tells us. If you had a big nose, would you like it if people checked all the time to make sure it was real? Or say 'whoa what a big nose?' I dont think you would.

I think the movie also did a good job of portraying the process of acceptance that a lot of tall girls have to go through. There was a moment where I had to accept that I will never wear a size medium t-shirt. I cannot change my height, or the effects that it has had on me. The scene where Jodi looked up how much it would cost to have height reduction surgery hit home for me. I believe that a good portion of us have been there. As I said earlier our mental attitude about the subject can drastically change our experience. By accepting that part of yourself and 'letting your freak flag fly', your entire experience of the world changes. By accepting and owning that I am tall, I am able to keep those comments about how tall I am assure me instead of making me miserable. Jodi is able to do the same thing. I believe that there is something to be said about that because unfortunately there is no other choice. I can't make everyone I encounter to not mention or think about my height, not without making a huge stink about it in a public sphere that won't really make a difference anyway because let's face it. There aren't that many of us. There's a reason that many tall girls aren't portrayed in media because there is less of a demand for it. But unfortunately, we stick out like sore thumbs.

I had a friend that I made in a music festival text me weeks after to tell me that in her highschool statistics class they were discussing heights and she mentioned me and my height. The teacher took it as an opportunity to calculate how many standard deviations I was from a 'normal U.S. female height'. 2.5 standard deviations. 2.5 standard deviations away from 'normal'. I am an outlier, and a lot of women on this page are also probably outliers. After watching that movie, even though it's catered to teens and not my specific genre type I was just so happy to actually have a movie about people like me. People who are deemed outliers. It was the first time I had seen a film of any kind that a extraordinarily tall woman wasn't the butt of a joke or just a comedic factor.

Sorry this turned into a freaking essay.

TL;DR this movie, despite some of it's flaws was an amazing step forward in representation of tall girls

[spirkpride]

My Fave Spirk Fics

(!) = Smut

(*) = I love this fic and have gone back to re-read multiple times

(-) = Short fic

(|) = Long Fic

Listening Skills by Aelimir (-)

K/S. Spock has concluded that the Captain doesn't listen to him. Uhura, as the communications officer, disagrees. What is the real problem? AU set before "Into Darkness." Rating changed due to reviewer suggestion. :)

Thy Soul, Alight In The Dark by Aerlalaith (|)

When disgraced former Starfleet captain and current salvage runner James T. Kirk stumbles upon what appears to be an abandoned Vulcan research vessel on the edge of Federation Space, he thinks he’s finally found some luck. The state of the ship and the fate of her original crew however, turn what was supposed to have been a standard day’s work into something quite a bit stranger. As Kirk and his crew debate if they can—or should—wake a sleeping survivor, it soon becomes clear that the nightmare is just beginning.

In Another World by ashayamspirk (!)

Starfleet believed Jim Kirk was destined for command. Jim Kirk would prefer to leave his father's long Starfleet reputation behind him and dedicate himself to xeno-botany. Offered a position to work on hybrid plants on Vulcan, Jim is put into contact with a tutor, the blind xenolinguistics professor, Spock. It's only after meeting him that Jim realizes how he and Spock are connected, and why the Vulcan hates him so much.But then fate has other ideas, and long after Jim leaves earth for Vulcan, they're thrown into each other's paths once again.

Designated by ashayamspirk (!)

“I would like you to read over the contract and consider what you are agreeing to before you sign,” Spock says, and reaches for the PADD on the table.And because Jim is an absolute dipshit who thinks nothing through ever at all, he just shrugs and uses his fingers to scroll to the bottom, signs, and hits send. Amok Time AU

Vulcan Keeping and Other Problems by t_3po (*)

Where's the manual for raising nerdy young Vulcans chasing after local bad boys when you actually need it?

I Will Have This by ashayamspirk (!) (series has been discontinued, consider the first story in the series a one shot)

Just as she finished adding a small box of sweets to her items, she felt a tug on the sleeve of her robe. Turning, she had a smile prepared, and a praise on the tip of her tongue for whatever item her son had chosen. That turned into a sharp gasp when she realized that carefully ensconced in her son’s arms was not any item for sale in the shop, but a very human baby. “Mother, I will have this.”

Something Smart To To by kianspo (|) (!)

In which Jim finds himself fake-married to his first officer every other month. It's not his fault. Mostly. Dowries and Klingons are involved. Starfleet is decidedly not amused.

When You’re Making Other Plans by lah_mrh

Jim always thought the absence of a soulmark on his arm meant he didn't have a soulmate. When he and Spock team up to take down Nero, he discovers how wrong he was.

Somewhere to Begin by jouissant (|)

Everything's fine between Jim and Spock at the end of the first five year mission, or so Jim thinks. But then Spock up and leaves San Francisco without so much as a goodbye, and Jim's suddenly faced with the prospect of life without his first officer...unless he can go to New York and win Spock back.

Of Spocks and Socks by gentleau (-) (*)

The giving of gifts is a most illogical practice, Spock doesn’t know how to be in a human relationship, and no one ever talks to Jim about anything.

My Soul, Reflected, or Mirror Kirk Sucks at Wooing by Nicnac (-) (*)

Five times Kirk tried to win his soulmate over, and one time Spock succeeded without really trying.

Star Trek: T-Shirts, Jackets, and Kisses by IBegToDreamAndDiffer

Or, how Jim outed them to the crew, how Spock outed them to the Academy, and how they outed themselves to Earth at large.

Everything’s Alright by VicBaylies (-) (!)

Set sometime after Amok Time. Spock suffers a relapse of Pon Farr, and Kirk is there to help him out. Somewhat established relationship

Spaceships, Private Jets, and Minivans: How to Start a Global Incident in 5 Minutes Flat by Scientia_Fantasia (|)

One early summer morning in Riverside, Iowa, a spacecraft crash lands into the backyard of a highschooler by the name of James T. Kirk.Earth history is changed forever.

To Catch A Fish by Darksknight (!) (*)

Spock’s realized that while he treasures his deep friendship with Jim, he’s come to desire more. He sets out to tell Jim of his feelings, but finds the task... considerably more difficult than he'd first imagined it to be.

Plucked by cembular (!)

Spock loses his virginity to his captain and boyfriend. PWP

This is Bumbles by PurpleFluffyCat (!) (-) (*)

This porny, fluffy, slightly-cracky(!) fic was written for a Star Trek kink meme. The prompt suggested subverting the usual trope of Vulcans in pon farr as aggressive and uber-dominant, and read as follows:"Spock's in pon farr. Jim finds out and offers to help him out! Instead of being aggressive in pon farr, Spock is super loving, emotional and sweet. Bonus if it takes Jim off guard!"

In Any Language by Enterprisingly (!) (-)

A love story in 10 parts. Based on a tumblr post about relationship words that do not translate to English.

Aubade by jouissant (-) (*)

In which a child is born, and nobody is ever going to sleep ever again.

Sudden Insight by falsepremise (!) (|)

Jim experiences a sudden insight- he is in love with Spock. Fortunately, Spock Prime foresaw this eventuality and has ensured that Jim will have access to the knowledge that he needs to seduce his t'hy'la.

Another Way Jim and Spock Could Meet as Kids by Seasnake (-)

Your heart’s sudden but inevitable betrayal by WhatIfImaMermaid (-)

Every once in while, when he’s feeling the perfect combination of nostalgic and impish, he asks Spock about that night. Most times Spock just smiles that non-smile of his into the curve of Jim's neck, and says nothing.

Or:

They first meet in a bar. In San Francisco. After one of Jim’s epic brawls.

Blue Fields by WerewolvesAreReal (|) (*)

In his thirteenth year James Kirk ends up on Tarsus IV with his aunt and uncle. During the famine he takes refuge with a six year-old named Kevin Riley and a young half-Vulcan.

Missing Pieces by IchabodNasty (Effulgent) (*)

Spock is very young when he loses his leg, he feels like he is incomplete until he meets one James T. Kirk.

The Stars Seem Familiar by lallyloo (-) (*)

After a transporter incident, de-aged Spock Prime is left in the care of Jim Kirk. Nu Spock becomes illogically jealous of Spock Prime. De-aged fluff fic.

Bragging Rights by Ragdoll (Keshka) (!) (*) (|)

AU. Two and a half years into his time at Starfleet Academy, Cadet Jim Kirk meets Lieutenant-Commander Spock, and the sparks begin to fly.

Dynamic by coffee666

Jim is tired of the crew assuming he and Spock don't work well together just because they happen to disagree a lot. To prove them wrong, Jim convinces Spock they should start dating.

Playing up their romantic relationship in front of the crew for spite should be fun. The hard part is that they're both secretly crushing on each other.

Ardor by ThereBeWhalesHere (!)

AU where everything is the same, but when Vulcans find their soulmate they sense it through their pheromones. These pheromones are, well, incredibly insistent. Spock's pretty sure he's immune to them until he meets one James T. Kirk. Really this is just an excuse to write sexually-frustrated!Spock who's pretty much DTF from the get-go.

cast out fear by s0mmerspr0ssen (|) (*)

Kirk saves Vulcan from Nero at high cost to himself. It falls to Spock to pick up the pieces.

A Theoretical Novelty by FallacyFallacy (!) (|)

So, it turned out that Jim's skill at chess was the hottest thing Spock had ever experienced. He only wished he hadn't found that out in the middle of the rec room. Repeatedly. Written for Kink_Bingo for 'Humiliation (In Public)'.

Some Cupid by summerofspock (-) (!)

Tired of their childish fighting, McCoy sets out to set up Jim and Spock. Antics ensue. (i.e. that time i wrote Much Ado About Nothing using Kirk and Spock)

Devil’s Bargain by Rhaegal (RhaegalKS) (!)

Set after TMP. Spock’s impending pon farr makes him wary of agreeing to a second five-year mission, so Kirk agrees to lend a hand (so to speak) should the situation arise. What could possibly go wrong?

Written for the KiScon 2012 zine. Beta-read by jaylee_g with additional editing by arminaa.

That One Time When Jim and Spock Met Their Daughter From the Future by pristineungift

You know your day is going to be weird when some kid you’ve never seen before calls you ‘Papa.’

The level of human emotional and physical sexual satisfaction as determined by one’s partner; an examination of the accuracy of the tiered interpretation as applied to male, homosexual couples by Aerlalaith (-)

Or, in which Kirk and Spock have sex for science.

Searching for Everything by notboldly (!)

Spock never expected his youthful indiscretions to affect his future. Fortunately, Jim is too stubborn to let that happen.

Santa, Baby by rabidchild67

Spock is a department store Santa. Hilarity ensues.

Reasons We Should Date: A Logical Approach by iknewaman (*) (-)

Jim really wants to get across to Spock how well they are together, but he's not sure how to go about it.

Eventually he decides fuck it, the simplest way to get Spock to understand is to walk him through it, and he does so using the wonderful medium of digital presentations.

What We Don't Say (or The Epic Wedding of Jim and Spock) museaway (-)

The first time Jim proposes, they’re naked.

Bang a Gong by waketosleep (|) (!) (*)

The chronicles of the Sad Bastards Club (Enterprise Chapter).

It was just the two of us by sinking_m (-)

Again, everyone knows except for Jim

Measure of Happiness by writeonclara (|)

When Spock chose Starfleet over the Vulcan Science Academy, he had not anticipated cohabiting with the most illogical, irrational, emotional human he ever met.

On the flip side, Jim never asked for a Vulcan chaperone, especially one as snotty as Spock, son of Sarek.

A Starfleet Academy AU in which Spock adapts to human life, Jim learns very, very quickly never to play a prank on a Vulcan, and there are far too many people after Jim Kirk's life.

No-Win Scenario by CateAdams (!)

A split-second decision changes Jim’s life forever, as a desperate bid for survival results in a bond with Spock. As Jim tries to understand their new connection, he must contend with his own inner struggles. Surprising new enemies are revealed and unexpected threats emerge, and Jim must come to terms with the true significance of their bond before it is too late.

Through Chekov's Eyes by littlebirdtold (!)

In which Mr. Spock hates Chekov and terrorizes the crew, Captain Kirk has the best poker face on the ship, Chekov never means to eavesdrop, Uhura gets some curves, Kirk gets cock-blocked, Spock gets off, McCoy pulls rank, Spock pulls Kirk's pigtails, and love sucks.

Friends With Benefits For Idiots by yaoichan12 (|) (!)

Spock loves Jim but won't tell him. Jim loves Spock but won't tell him. They get to talking about friends with benefits and end up agreeing to start that type of relationship. Both think that's all they'll ever get to have with one another, so they keep their mouth shut about their feelings and just have sex.

Chess, and other Aphrodisiacs by obsidienne (!) (*) (|)

When Jim is brought up on charges of academic dishonesty, he decides to find out who his accuser is.

As You Wish by writeonclara (|) (*)

It's probably a phenomenally bad idea to let someone named Lucifer grant you seven wishes, but, well, why the hell not? Maybe then Jim can finally have that perfect command team from the other universe he so desperately wants.

Then again, wishing that Spock would loosen up a bit shouldn't land him in pre-Reform Vulcan.

Maybe he'll get it right next time.

Sure Thing by FagurFiskur (!) (-) (*)

Based on this prompt:

Because of his reputation (which initally came from nowhere) men have always assumed Kirk is a sure thing and have never tried to seduced Kirk... just used the old wham, bam thank you ma'am (or sir in this case)and have rarely bothed about his pleasure. (...)

(...)So suddenly Kirk finds himself being courted by Spock... at first Kirk thinks it is Spock trying to mess with his mind because Spock is still pissed about the 'cheating' incident but is soon disabused of that notion and he finds himself in his first loving, committed relationship in his life.

Echolocation by Darksknight (-)

Kirk and Spock don’t realize that they’ve bonded right away. The rest of the crew is a different story.

Eavesdropping by coffee666 (-) (!) (*)

Jim knows for a fact that Spock and Uhura and talking about him when they start whispering in Vulcan. He has no idea what they're saying, until he takes it upon himself to learn the language.

___

Spock gushes about his crush on Jim, having no idea that Jim can understand him

Subtext by noodleinabarrel (*)

Texting your Vulcan first officer in the middle of the night is never a good idea. Especially when you have an obsessive crush on said Vulcan.

The holidays are approaching and Jim is left entirely Spockless aboard the Enterprise when his First takes shore leave on New Vulcan. After some midnight pining, Jim sends a text he instantly regrets. That is, until Spock responds and willingly continues their textual communications to an inevitable conclusion.

Pyromania by sinestrated (-) (!)

Jim has been burning bridges since childhood. The Enterprise and Spock eventually change that.

Limits of Interpretation, or: So You Want to Date a Vulcan by druxykexy (*)

Kirk learns that, when it comes to the cultural habits of Vulcans, it's not a good idea to trust other people's research. Spock gets to see a different side of his captain (that may or may not exist). There's a reboot of the TOS episode "Shore Leave" somewhere in the middle of all this.

Note: The McCoy/Barrows relationship is fairly background, and is included due to its presence in the episode.

Armchair Psychology bigmamag (-)

McCoy forces Kirk and Spock to write an ongoing list of things they like about each other. Kirk doesn’t know if he’ll be able to make his weekly quota. At least, not at first.

Blind Date by Aelimir (-) (*)

McCoy convinces Jim to go on a blind date. Only, things don't go as planned.

Abrams-style, except for that fact that George lived.

Perception by Aelimir (-)

Everything happened like it did in 2009, except the Narada never attacked Vulcan. After several missions, Pike retires and Jim is appointed in his place. The downside? He's required to have Spock, that bastard who tried to get him kicked out of Starfleet, as his First Officer.

Jim soon learns that perception is everything, and not all is as it seems.

So Wise We Grow by Deastar (|) (*)

"Commander Spock, we have located your son," the Vulcan lady on the screen says, which would be great, except Jim can tell by the look on Spock's face that he's never heard of this kid before in his life. "If it is expedient, the child will be sent to join you on the Enterprise within the week."

Looking to the Stars (Like They've Got All the Answers) by shards_of_divinity (!) (|)

Jim and Spock's relationship is on the edge of something deeper than friendship. When their kidnapper's ship crashes to an uncharted and uninhabited planet, Jim and Spock have to fight to stay alive, and the strength of their uncertain relationship is tested when Spock enters Pon Farr...

we have not touched the stars by prouvairing (-) (*)

Sometimes they’ll also ask him why he hasn’t gone out and chased his soulbond yet.

Jim will point to the sky, and say, “The moon’s always there, babe. Don’t need to go chasin’ after her.”

It is January, year 2063. Humanity has quietly achieved interstellar travel, and Jim Kirk’s soulbond stretches into the stars.

These things tend to get messy by WhatIfImaMermaid (!) (-)

A lot, Jim tells himself. A lot of heartbreak.

Or:

It begins because aliens make them do it, and then it becomes one of those things.

[shayanyaan]

Two Eleven Super

“London is very human-scale,” I am quick to pitch for one of my favorite cities in the world. 

Her eyes widen and her face lights up. She nods her head vigorously and points her finger at me, in complete agreement. This is the moment in a conversation when one person articulates perfectly what the other person was thinking but couldn’t quite put into words. B and I have been explaining to each other how both of us are more comfortable living in cities where we can walk or take public transport.

“Oh gosh London, yes! Seeing a London trip on my schedule always fills me with immense warmth. Imagine being able to walk around a city slowly absorbing all that it has to offer, the sights, the sounds, the traditions.”

They say never meet your celebrity heroes because you’ll inevitably find something disappointing. I think the same applies to some of the great cities of the world. But both of us conclude hands down that London does not fall in this category. 

“Actually London is not even a celebrity. London is a reliable old friend. A friend that has not lost their sense of culture and tradition. The monuments, the churches ...”

“.....and the bridges across the Thames - each one steeped in history.” We are finishing each other's sentences now. “The railway stations. The tube - a subterranean metropolis beneath a metropolis. The Mind the Gap jokes.” 

“And what about the black cabs and then … and then the red double decker buses. Oh the red buses - what an icon! They say tourists take the tube but real Londoners take the bus.”

“Aha! You’re probably right. Flocks of pigeons on Trafalgar square, the shops on Oxford Street.”

“And you can’t forget the ever present murky skies, steady rain, rippled puddles, umbrella bearing pedestrians.”

“Of course you just had to mention the Great British weather!” A disapproving look is thrown. The entire body of humor surrounding the British weather is a road we agree not to go down. 

---

I continue to quiz B on some of the other cities that she thought would fit the human-scale bill. New York inevitably comes up as a place she has not only travelled to but lived in. I am glad she brought up New York. Now New York is not an old friend. New York is a person you know you shouldn’t fall for, but you do anyway. There is something about the pace and the madness that sets New York apart from the rest of the US. Something about the people, coming from all corners of the world. To make a living, or even half a living. American dream and all that. 

In New York you are acutely aware of the class divide that exists in society. New York is dirty. The subway is full of creaking old trains. New York has JFK and LaGuardia both of which are dismal at best and soul destroying at worst. Oh and Penn Station. Never has there been a more classic case of the mighty having fallen. A complete and utter hell hole out of some post apocalyptic world. 

But somehow it all works. Barely. And that is where New York absolutely has you. As you walk around the city, you peel back the layers and beneath all the flaws and scars, you will find a genuinely captivating person. A person that knows how to push your buttons and make you forget the pandemonium, if only for a split second. Through the dollar pizzas on the street corners. Through the sheer magic of Central Park and the museums. Through the Manhattan skyline; hands down the best skyline in the world. Standing next to the Hudson, under the Brooklyn Bridge, with Lady Liberty keeping a quiet watch from a distance, you will be powerless as New York sucks you in. One glittering high rise at a time. Dreamy eyed, you cannot help but stare in wonderment. Hundreds of floors, thousands of windows. What goes on inside? And the lights! Yes so many lights. What could be a better tribute to Tesla, Faraday and the like?

“In general, the east coast of the United States is on a much more human-scale. Relatively small states with trains taking you across borders within a couple of hours at the most.”

“Going west of maybe Illinois, they started drawing great big rectangles for states.”

“And then there’s Texas. Vast open skies in an almost revolting shade of blue. Just as vast are the expanses of highway, further than the eye could see, or care to see. Wide, long and monotonous. Not a single human-scale building in sight”

“And who the hell builds highways passing through the center of a city!? Makes going to get some milk feel like a great expedition to the other side of the world.”

More chuckles. 

Then a brief silence, during which I am suddenly reminded of where I am - in a lounge on the upper deck of an A380. A massive ship hurtling through the ether, pushing the speed of sound. A big TV screen near where I am standing silently glares back at me indicating that -50 degrees is but a mere 10 meters from where I am standing. Yet here we are, B and I, chatting like two friends catching up over coffee. 

But of course, we are not friends. Not even acquaintances. She is on the Emirates cabin crew. And I am just a passenger. 

---

Back at my seat, halfway through an episode of Chernobyl, I pause to stare out of the window. Beyond the wing, which seems to stretch out to eternity, a smudge of orange is forcing its way through the royal blue of the sky. I can hear the muffled yet reassuring boom from the four Rolls Royce engines. It is then that I realize that there is nothing about the A380 that is human-scale. There is nothing about the skies which she inhabits that is human-scale. I've travelled on the beloved Super dozens of times. Yet I continue to be amazed at the size and scale with which she operates. Devouring continents and swallowing oceans. Bringing the other side of the world just a little closer to home. 

A friend of mine often describes journeys on the A380 as the closest we can get to the long sea voyages on gigantic ocean liners in the 1930s. And he is right. Two decks with so much space to stretch out. Bars, lounges, showers - no expense spared in ensuring luxury. Imagine peering out of the window from your first class cabin on the Queen Mary and seeing nothing but vast open sea. Right now I am doing exactly the same. Only from 36000 feet above the Earth, and all I can see is the vast open sky. Far below, Moscow and St Petersburg slip behind us. Scandinavia and the Atlantic Ocean lie ahead. As we burn more fuel, over North America, we will eventually settle in the exclusive airspace of flight level 410. 

The Boeing 747 is a work of art. Sheer poetry. The Airbus A380 however, is a lesson in outsmarting the laws of Physics. It is an absolute whale of a plane that looks like it should never leave the surface of the Earth in the first place. But somehow it does, through the most languid and sluggish of take offs.  Once up at cruising altitude though, it is steady ship all the way to your destination. The ability to punch through the sky without even the faintest of trembles is simply unmatched. I continue to stare wistfully out of the window, thinking about how much I’ll miss the A380 when she’s gone. She’s right up there with the Concorde in that nothing like this will ever be built in my lifetime.  

---

Resting my head on one of the fluffiest pillows ever to have taken flight, I gaze at the roof of the cabin - tiny twinkling stars gently coaxing me to drift off into a deep sleep. And frankly, it is not hard to. The bed is completely flat and the mattress is more comfortable than the one I have at home. The blanket is ever so soft. The fake gold and wood around the windows is not something I’d furnish my home with, yet up here in the sky, it somehow adds to the coziness. From my own little cocoon, I can see neither the aisle nor other TV screens. Not a single window shade in the cabin is raised. I don’t remember the last time I fell asleep on a plane without an eye mask.  All I can hear are the engines whirling away, and the hushed sound of the air beating against the fuselage - no more than a relaxing white noise. 

In the moments between lying down and falling asleep, I am thinking about the countless journeys I’ve made with Emirates over the last two decades. Leaving home as often as I’ve had to, I’ve come to really treasure the sense of familiarity that an Emirates flight brings to me. I’ve never stopped to think about it before but there is a certain warmth and tenderness you feel when you have an old faithful travel companion to share your journeys with. And Emirates has been that companion for me, helping me wipe away the homesickness. Slowly at first, then all at once. The boarding music that says “Hello Tomorrow”. The inflight announcements that say “Tayaran Al Emarat”. The reassuring voice of Sir Tim Clark answering questions on the default podcast channel. The wavy curves on the cabin wallpaper. The cabin crew with their brown blazers and their red hats.  When choosing an airline to fly, it is hard to look past this comfort of familiarity resulting from a bond first formed unwittingly, many years ago. And strengthened over numerous journeys from one side of the planet to the other, including this one. Before I can process any more thoughts, I slip into a happy and peaceful sleep. We are probably somewhere over the North Atlantic. But in this moment, it hardly matters. 

---

Six hours have passed. B is on hand to wake me for dinner. It seems the crew has saved the best meal till the very end. Three courses this evening, starting with a chick-pea salad that doesn’t make you hate your life with its dreariness. I politely refuse the alcohol but ask for a piece of garlic bread on the side. Which is brought to me, warm, from a basket lined with cloth. The main course is served with the Jeera rice cooked in just the right amount of butter. The ratio of jeera to rice - perfect. The Rajma has the power to rival any dhaba in North India and along with it is a second curry made with melt-in-your-mouth soft paneer. Actual phulkas to go on the side, instead of pita. 

And if you're going to go full North Indian with your meal, you need some achaar. Which obviously is on my tray as well. Emirates just knows how to serve Indian food. If I had any doubts about this, they are well and truly shattered when B brings the dessert. Four of the finest pieces of Rasgulla. Sometimes you have a meal so sublime that you are moved to shedding a tear or two. This AVML has been one such. 

I call B over one last time to thank her for everything. She passes me a brownie, one very similar to those I’d been wolfing down earlier while talking to her in the lounge. This of course, brings the widest of smiles to my face. Not because I like brownies. But most certainly because of the fact that she had noticed. And remembered. The crew has been absolutely stellar on this flight. 

---

Business class. A crew that knows how to pronounce your ridiculously long last name. A crew that has time to engage in conversations with you. Meals served on crisp white table cloths. Meals that come in courses. Flat beds to stretch your legs. Flat beds to rest your weary soul. On a grueling ultra long haul flight across 10 time zones, almost anything that seeks to make you feel more earthly is highly appreciated. 

This has been Emirates Two Eleven Super - Dubai to Houston in just under seventeen hours, albeit the best seventeen hours of my life. 

[tumblunni]

Stuff to appreciate:

* the pokemon theme remix sounding like football/rugby/otehr sports tourney music! we’ve seen it confirmed that there’s poke-football here so i hope they do reference rugby too and maybe some hockey? we’re honestly a really sports mad nation, tho not as much as america perhaps

* All the lil touches of random normal british stuff that i just TOTALLY MISSED the first time watching cos well its fuckin normal for me lol! im just realizing this is the first time ive seen a house have a wheelbarrow out front in a pokemon game. do other countries just not have as many wheelbarrows or do you like to hide them or somethin?? HOW DO YOU GARDEN! we like wheelbarrows so much there’s several characters in old kids shows thatre just a wheelbarrow, and lots of grandmas like to keep broken wheelbarrows and turn them into plantpots just for the aesthetic of wheelbarrows. Also welly boots!! what do people even call them in other countries cos wellingtons is a very british thing right?

* other nice touches: route signs being like our traffic signs LOL IM CONSTANTLY GONNA MISTAKE THEM FOR A SPEED LIMIT, a lot of those nice pastry crust lookin turf-roof cottages even tho sadly they arent super common anymore nowadays, generally showing a LOT of different british housing architecture like even got the old london double chimney stack things!

* oh man they even got those ground staircase things what is even the name of those actually? i always like the aesthetic of country villages that are more in harmony with nature and it sucks that so much of britain is more industrialized instead nowadays

* BIG BAGS like lol i was going OMG IM SO GLAD THE PROTAGONIST FINALLY HAS A BIG BAG even before i realized it was britain like wow is that a stereotype about us that we carry giant bags everywhere cos thats fuckin true. ‘tardis purses’ are really common amoung anyone who doesnt use backpacks, like everything has to be hybridized with a backpack somehow or else u wear a cardigan just cos stupid modern clothes aint got good pockets FUCKIN HELL I COULD FIT A WHOLE HOUSE IN A CARDIGAN i still remember how in high school i cut a hole in the bottom of my pockets so i could stuff things into the entire lining of the jacket and basically wear a bag like OH i just realized this stereotype must be really old and maybe thats legit where the tardis/mary poppins/d&d’s bag of holding actually came from? you ask for literally goddamn anything on a train in britain and someone’s gonna pull it out of apparantly nowhere, being prepared is just a Thing here

* lol they cant really show how much Pub Culture we have over here in a kids game probably? like we’re one of the world’s biggest consumers of alcohol and HOO BOY, drunken riots are a frequent occurance along with the sports obsession. also over here we straight up dont have non alcoholic cider and i was REALLY CONFUSED that america ONLY has non alcoholic version like i DIDNT KNOW IT EXISTED so i just thought they gave their kids beer?? cider festivals over here are real fun, its part of how ‘pub culture’ is kinda an all ages thing even if the kids cant drink the stuff. like there’s all fun farm events and kids rides and bbq and stuff at a cider or ale brewing town festival thing. and basically the difference between pubs and more american style bars is that pubs are..like.. homey? they really are just the ‘jrpg tavern’ thats a thing of old history in america. its more of a hangout spot thats open all day and is more spacious with comfy seating and they do food and gardens and stuff. its common to bring kids to a pub during the day and its only in the evening that its adults only, which is kinda arbitrary cos i mean they still sell booze in the mornings its just that its ONLY booze in the evenings and the family meal kitchens close. also in the mornings they still have all the gambling machines turned on and lol as a kid my dad used to plonk me down on them so i could ‘play games’ while he talked with his friends. it was extra funny how the european gambling laws made them take the game corner out of pokemon cos i knew what a slot machine was even before i played pokemon and i was like 4 when it came out XD

* yay for big fancy libraries and museums!! i hope maybe they also show buses and trains? its generally a thing that we have more extensive and well funded public transport and buildings than america. like no offense but i was fuckin FLOORED when i learned that there’s whole states that have no trains! like over here buses and trains are used even more than cars! having even one single place unreachable by bus is enough to cause protests! also maybe have some hospital themed gym leader to symbolise good healthcare but honestly they could have put that in ANY of the regions so far except for unova. srsly im always so scared for my american friends cos of that...

* IS THAT A FUCKIN REUSEABLE CARRIER BAG?? like what a weirdly specific thing to reference! do other countries have the carrier bag tax too?

* also LOL putting stickers on the back of the wardrobe!! thats such a brit kid thing, whenever u move to a new place and it has furniture included you’ll always turn something around and see a bunch of stickers someone left from years ago. it was alwyas funny as a kid to see which ones got wrecked in the move, i dunno why a headless bugs bunny was the height of my afternoon at age 9

* Weird notice: this house looks a lot like the Old Chateau from sinnoh? except obviously its more modern and not abandoned and all. makes me think that the dub kinda hecked up by calling the place french and it might have been intentionally meant to be british? its just called a ‘foreign style house’ in japanese, not a chateau.

* ALSO SINNOH FEELS! please bring the minigame back! i always felt an odd kinship with oreburgh town as a kid cos the town i grew up in was also a former mining town that turned from a capitol city port into absolute disrepair after the industrial boom ended. struggling to find a new identity and mostly getting by on tourism value of the mines and all. so makes me think this is actually legit a wales town and maybe even cardiff in particular? or other former mining towns of britain. cos having an extensive cave network thats completely unused and youre just allowed to walk around in it like its no big deal = honestly 100% accurate, the underground minigame would completely fit us. i wonder if japan really does have a similar case of the mines all being 100% abandoned and only repurposed into history museums and travel routes?

* this npc is cute and also i appreciate the accuracy to school uniforms over here! this is usually what its like for primary school (i think thats elementary in america?) and itd be in different colours for different schools and have the school badge on the left side there. and summer uniform is often just taking the jumper off and then the shirt underneath also has the same logo on it. but in my school as a kid they annoyingly made us buy a whole separate set of identical shirts but in a different colour to indicate summer uniform like GEEZ DUDE its already expensive enough! made more sense in high school where winter shirts are button up blouses like suit jackets and its only summer that gets a regular cotton shirt. but there you also wear blazers (kids’s suit jacket) instead of jumpers, and jumpers are optional if it gets extra cold but its more of a light cardigan style instead. also boringly every damn school’s colours are black blazers except like one or two rare exceptions. i got extra unlucky and the two high schools i went to also had red shirts so i kept getting them mixed up until i noticed the wrong logo halfway thru the day

* hey lol literally the park behind my house. we get real shitty weather here and i actually kinda hope maybe umbrellas are something we could pick in character customization?

[regrettablewritings]

Rq. Heimdall fanfic!!!!😍 There is not enough out there man. How about Cassian andor? Or Poe, your choice.😘 Sorry your reunion sucked so hard.

Yeah, Heimdall!!! I haven’t really seen any real fics about him despite the fact that he totally deserves them so I took it upon myself to try and contribute.And hey. Hey, bud. Why not both? (First up in Poe, tho)

How differently do they think of eachother now compared to when they first met?: Poe Dameron was notoriousthroughout the Resistance as being a hotshot both in terms of piloting and interms of his overall personhood. So of course, once you had the chance to meethim by way of being assigned his X-Wing to fix, you had been expecting somearrogant piece of fool who’s mansplain to you how the mechanicals worked and soon. Boy, were you not expecting a warm, humorous young man who didn’t try tospoon-feed you terms you already knew, but instead was perfectly willing toleave you to your own literal devices and even praise your handiwork! Because that was one of the first things Poe thought of when he met you: Thatyou were a skilled member and the Resistance was therefore honored to havesomebody like you.

It was inevitable that the two of you would cross paths more after that(especially considering that after impressing him with your workmanship, Poerequested that you be the one to work on his assigned aircrafts). Because ofthese frequent meetings, frequent conversation was held. Until eventually, youboth began to see one another without the need to work on an X-Wing or whathave you. And you started seeing one another out of your working uniforms, freeof sweat and grease. And conversations drifted away from exchanging ideas abouthow to make the ships run smoother, or what tools you needed; they started toorient more about your respective lives, which resulted in talking about yourexperiences, likes, dislikes, and so forth.Inevitably, your impressions of one another grew into something more vivid.You now knew Poe as quite possibly the kindest, most amazing man you’d evermet: He was skilled and quite humble even with his own acknowledgement of histalent for flying. He exuded warmth, and was loyal to a fault, if potentiallyfoolhardy in his determination. Plus, once you learned the origins of the ringhe wore around his neck, you were thrilled to learn that he was a romantic atheart!Poe now knew that the Resistance wasn’t lucky to have you – he was: You were like a grease-covereddiamond in the ruff who trusted her instincts and knowledge. You volunteeredyour own talents for a greater good and while Poe himself was one of many whodid the same, he still admired this fact because not just anyone would pick uptheir things, leave everything they’d ever known, and fight for a betterfuture. He loves it when people aredriven but most of all, he loves it when you’redriven.

What do their friends/family think oftheir relationship?: Poe would like to think that his parents would’veloved you. Specifically his mother, who would have more likely than not bothstarted and indulged in a geek-out fest over the types of things she’s flownand your hunger for the knowledge that surrounded their infrastructure. Theclosest person left that he has to a mother, however, is Leia. And while she’snot as prone to excitement over ship mechanics and the like, she still verymuch approves of the relationship (even going so far as to “threaten” Poe intobeing a gentleman – as if he could be anything but). If she catches the two ofyou embracing or kissing before he flies out on a mission, she’ll snark aboutthe two of you “being absolutely disgusting” in public with your affection.But most of all, the approval you’ll be wanting is from BB-8. And, to yourabsolute glee, they approve of you. They like how happy Poe seems to be aroundyou, and it helps that you earned their good graces by thinking they’re evencuter than Poe. Finn doesn’t see anything wrong with the two of you: You’re nice, you’re brave,and he thinks the two of you go great together. And as for Rey, you both bondover your shared and varying knowledges on knowing how to fix up transports bigand small. (Plus, she’s very flattered when you ask if she’ll teach you anyshortcuts you might not have learned due to your more formal yet restrictedtraining.)Your own friends are impressed and also a little jealous that you managed toland one of the most well-known figures in the Resistance – this man is thereason so many people joined, after all, in no small part due to his handsomeface being spread everywhere in advertisements. Some might even ask if youcould introduce them to him, stating that you can’t hog the Resistance’sgreatest pilot to yourself. You humor them, but by the end of the meeting,they’re always surprised to learn just how laidback he actually is. Good foryou!

How do their personalities/skillscomplement or contrast with each other?: Typically speaking, Poe just hasthis energy that brings out the best in people. His sweetness is just thatcontagious. And you were one of his many willing victims, becoming more open toaccompany his own honey-like character. Skills-wise, what else? His knowledge and experience with flying matchesperfectly with your own knowledge and experiences with working on aircrafts.

What is their favorite aspect of eachother?: Golly, how could you only choose one thing about him that you loved the most? You couldn’t choose betweenhis loyalty, his kindness, his generosity, his willingness to sacrifice, hisdrive – You just love his overall Poe-ness!Nearly the same goes for Poe: There’s just too much about you he adores. Butsomething that especially sticks out to him is how even if you consideryourself just another number in the grand scheme of the Resistance, your skillscontribute far beyond what you may initially see from the hangars. You are, ashe would put it, a spark that ignites a flame that keeps the Resistance going.(“You took that from somewhere, didn’t you?” “Even if I did, that doesn’tchange the truth!”)

Do either of them have pet peevesabout each other?: For the most part, Poe is pretty controlled andthoughtful. He can usually find the time to make a humored remark even in theface of a First Order commander or his own torturer. But even the brightestpeople can snap if under a certain amount of pressure: If Poe feels desperate,there’s a rare but still possible chance that he might be so ambitious that hemay act without thinking of the little details in the big picture. Sometimesit’s dangerous, but other times it’s just irritating to you.

How would each reconcile with eachother after a fight?: Couples’ tiffs are inevitable. But an actual argumentwith Poe is pretty uncommon. But that doesn’t make them unheard of. Poe isgenerally a very pleasant person but sometimes, that hotheaded stubbornnessthat you sometimes forget he has seeps through and drives him to storm off. Hemay blow steam by flying or aggressively cleaning his X-Wing or exercising,all while venting to BB-8. Eventually, whether it’s because Leia or BB-8 saidsomething, or because he ran out of fumes to run on, Poe will recognize thatreconciliation is necessary. No matter how passionately he may have felt aboutwhatever set the two of you off, his hatred of when the two of you fight iseven stronger. He admits that it’s a bit arrogant of him to feel this way, buthe’s just so used to generally getting along with everybody that even yoursmaller arguments have the potential to throw him off. After all, was he reallythat great of a person if he couldn’t even make his beloved happy?He tries not to fly off-planet after an argument because the last time he did,he nearly died and it really put into perspective just how silly and immatureit was for him to leave on such a note. As soon as he returned to base, he wassearching for you as a hungry man searches for food: vehemently anddesperately. The moment he found you, you didn’t have time to even react to hisreappearance before you found yourself pressed so firmly against his chest in abone-crushing hug that you could just barely breathe. And even once the hug slackened (only by a smidge), you couldn’t get a word inedge-wise because the pilot was blurting out apology after apology,self-deprecating himself and calling himself wrong for doing that to you andpromising how he could make it up to you even if it took the rest of his life.It took you patting his chest to cue him to shut up for you to verbally accepthis apology (“I messed up, too, you nerf-herder”) and return the hug.Even years down the line, he holds up to that principle. It can be weeks afteran argument and you’ve long-since moved passed it but when he comes back from amission, he’s brought something from another planet for you (you now have acollection going for you that you keep tucked away in a safety box so as toavoid damage). You wish you could do the same but since you never really havethe chance to fly elsewhere and acquire gifts for him. So you try and becreative and make little things for him out of what you have on D’Qar: You tryto find leftover pieces from ships that can no longer serve their initialpurpose and fashion them into little decorations

What would be their ideal vacationgetaway together?: It’s really hard to think about vacations when one is involvedin a resistance movement. Especially when one is also a pilot who constantlyflies to new locations nearly on the daily. Poe tries not to tarnish thebeautiful landscapes he comes upon with associations as to why he’s there (toretrieve info, a person, sabotage, etc). Instead, he tries to remember the morebeautiful or unique aspects of the places he visits. This is not only to givehim a peace of mind and to give him one more thing to fight for the future for,but also to bring back to you. As stated before, you never really get to travel off-planet due to yourground-bound job, so you’re always curious as to what other places may looklike. Poe is all too happy to tell you about the places he’s been, the thingshe saw and ate there, the many different cultures. He loves how you practicallyglow with intrigue as he recounts the rituals he’s witnessed and what theyapparently mean for the locals. He knows that wars take time to end, and thisone is no exception. But a very giddy (and admittedly childish) part of himreally hopes that the tide turns in favor of the Resistance and that all thisfighting would be done all ready with no more planetary destruction. He wantsto start living an easier life with you, to actually start living life withyou. He’s already taken mental notes of the planets you responded to the mostand can’t wait to take you there and watch you glow as you see their respectivebeauties in person.

Think of a new way (AU, differentsituation, etc.) they could have met for the first time: You were an idiot.You were an idiot who bought into the beauty of eating in the courtyard of thisSan Franciscan café and now, for deciding to eat outside, you were going to diein this absurd heat. You sighed even though you immediately regretted feelingthe subsequent warmth of your breath running over your skin. It was too late totake it all back, though: Judging by the constant glances you made at thewindows of the actual establishment, Café Madrinna’s insides were now filled tocapacity for the lunch rush. You tried not to whimper, gripping your ice-coldglass of water with the hopes of relief.Your friend, much to your envy and despair, appeared to be unaffected by theWest Coast heat as she continued to chatter about the divine nature of the miniaturequiches this place served.“ – and the spinach-cheese ones? To die for,(Y/N),” she went on, gesturing just as dramatically as her claim. You noddedhalf-heartedly, only partially paying attention. The other part was trying tofocus on not passing out in public.If you couldn’t be in the A/C-cooled building, then the only other thing youwanted more was for a waiter to come by so you could request another cold drink,order your food, and get out of here as soon as possible.Your voice’s voice carried on with the one-sided conversation, quickly blurringinto little more than white noise. In fact, everything was beginning to fadefrom your stance due to you swearing that you were melting. It was therefore abit of a wonder to you that one noise didmake it through your disappearing interest. Though, not by much. After all, it’shard to ignore the sound of a microphone screeching.You flinched, faintly hearing others “ooh” and hiss as they cringed.“Sorry! Sorry … Testing, testing. 1, 2, 1, 2,” a voice magnified by the micsaid. You wanted to start whimpering but lacked the energy; the last thing youwanted was for yet another source of stimuli to overwhelm you. Plus, if somebodystarted to play music, it would require even more energy for you to speak up tothe waiter. Where the hell they were. You were so filled with spite that youmustered just enough strength to turn your head. It lulled lazily on your neckand, had you thought about it, ultimately dampened whatever effect your annoyedglare could’ve provided.Not that it mattered: It didn’t last very long anyway. It couldn’t possibly holdits own once you saw exactly whom you were intended to direct your ire.He was cute, but not in a little boy sort of way. You couldn’t quite place it,but you supposed it had something to do with the lax demeanor he carried abouthimself. … But he also had a guitar with him as he sat on a stool before the mic.The frown threatened to make its way back onto your face. California Guy +Guitar = Memories of Asshole in the Quad at College Trying to Pick Up Chicks. Grabbing the mic, he greeted, “Afternoon, ladies and gents and other heavenlybodies,” he greeted.” He offered a smile, revealing his crooked butnevertheless adorable teeth (how could teeth be adorable, you had no idea).“Anyway,” he said, getting into position, “here’s ‘Wonderwall.’”Oh, God, no!“Nah, I’m just kidding.” A handful of people chuckled. You nearly sighed withrelief.“But seriously … Here goes something.”The sound of the strings being plucked proved to be anything but the nuisanceyou had expected them to be. In fact, the chords seemed to flow through the airlike silk, curling in waves before caressing your ears. But it couldn’t compareto the smooth, almost husky voice with which the musician sang.“That certain night, the night we met,There was magic abroad in the air.There were angels dining at the RitzAnd a nightingale sang in Berkeley Square.”Perhaps it was a heat-induced delirium, but part of you suspected the man’svoice of being supernatural: You no longer focused on the heat; in fact, youcould barely determine if you were actually hot anymore. “I may be right and I may be wrong,But I’m perfectly willing to swearThat when you turned and smiled at me,A nightingale sang in Berkeley Square.”The way with which he delivered the lyrics seemed to serve as almost a portal,offering you an oasis to recuperate from. A balmy evening scene painted itselfin your head, the man’s voice serving as both paintbrush and palette. You barely responded to your waiter as they finally came by your table (now ofall times) to retrieve your orders. You dared yourself to not look away as youmarveled how the man’s eyelashes fluttered with his perpetual bedroom eyes. Bedroom eyes that … were looking right at you. Sure enough, you could see the those dark eyes of his staring specifically atyou. A stare so unbroken that you could see the warmth in those optics and bereminded of a cozy little nook where one could be gathered into a quilt and sleepin its cloth embrace.It was perhaps this observation that revived the heat in you. Only, instead ofit being a painful, bodily heat beaten onto your skin by the sun, this heatseemed to stay specifically in your face and ears.Crud. It only worsened when the man,still staring at you, flashed you another crooked-toothed smile. Double crud!“The moon that lingered over London town –Poor puzzled moon, he wore a frown …” With far too much ease, he liftedhimself from his seat. He started walking slowly away from the designated performancespot, never once missing a beat. “How could he know we two were so inlove?The whole darn world seemed … upside down!” His voice continued, appearingto be unaffected by the lack of microphone as his singing still rang throughoutthe dining area. That would have impressed you, had it not been for yourheartbeat muting out almost everything. He was coming closer! To you! You could feel yourself panicking inside, eyes skittering about you in afruitless attempt to locate an escape route. You glanced back up. He was tenfeet away. Six feet. Four feet. Three. Two.“The streets of town were paved withstarsIt was such a romantic affair.And as we kissed and said goodnight,A nightingale sang in Berkeley Square.”Oh, God. He was here. In front of you. On one knee, still playing along, voicestill carried through that cute smile of his. His stare was still on you.Everybody’s stare was on you. Your friend gushed in her seat, fists balled intoher cheats as she quietly geeked out at what was happening to you. You, on theother hand, were two-parts mortified, two-parts twelve seconds away from goingyour own gushing.Certainly, it was not good for your hatred of being the center of attention ina public space for you to be serenaded. But on the flip-side, you were being serenaded! This was the sort of stuff you’d onlyever seen in movies or Youtube videos. This wasn’t the sort of stuff thathappened to people like you! Or at least, that was what you’d thought before. Butthis man was proving otherwise as his fingers practically waltzed along thestrings of his guitar, treating you to a wordless solo that brought a piece ofyour mind back to the night scene. It now included him in there, with thosewarm eyes and kissable smile. Holding hands, walking along the streets – that that gooey romantic stuff youtried your best not to get too caught up in. But, oh, he made it look and soundso wonderful!In fact, it was that same wonderful voice that gently pulled you back toreality on a high note – literally.“Aaaaand like an echo far away,A nightingale sang in Berkeley Square,” he crooned. Before he got up, heoffered you quite possibly the smoothest wink you’d ever bore witness to. Hisfingers were still strumming as he slowly returned to his original placement. By the time you’d remembered to clap, the audience had already been holdingapplause for ten seconds. He took a small bow, glowing grin in place. He leanedinto the microphone once more:“Thank you so much! Wow, uh … Okay, I’ll be taking a ten-minute break so .. . I guess hang tight!”His eyes didn’t return to you as he turned around and exited the outside. Asmuch as you felt a little disappointed by this fact, you couldn’t blame him.++++++“What’s the matter? You haven’t eaten much …” Your friend nodded at yourplate. You shook your head, “Nothing, it’s just – I’m pacing myself.” You directed abite-sized piece in a circle with your fork. Your companion pursed her lips indoubt.“I’m calling bull on that,” she muttered, taking a bite of the quiche she’dbeen going on about all day. “I think I know the reason.” The delivery of thatsentence threatened a chill to go down your spine; you knew what was coming. And sure enough, as you looked up, you weremet with a taunting smirk.“Tummy in a tizzy? ‘Cause that cutie sang to you? Be still, your beating heart!”You attempted to glare through your blushing, aching face. “Quiet, you!” you hissed. You really didn’t want to hear this: Both because ofembarrassment, but also because you just wanted to forget about that guyalready. You wanted to scarf down your food, pack up, and leave this barbaricheat and never come back! … If only you could actually will yourself to eat–“Uh … Hey, excuse me? Sorry if I’m interrupted but –”Your friend’s eyes widened as she looked upwards of the tableside. You, on theother hand, dared not look for once: You knew exactly who it was.“Yeah, so, uh …” A sugar cookie with frosting decorated to resemble a sun wasplaced on your napkin. Okay, now youhad to look. You mustered the courage to look at the musician, trying your best to appearcalm and collected yet confused when in reality, you were inwardly flustered,nervous, and confused. The simple bite of his lip almost broke you.“I just wanted to apologize for earlier,” he said. “I usually work best whenthere’s a, you know, specific person in mind to sing for. But I realized alittle too late it’s not everybody’s style so … Cookie.” You could swearyou saw his cheeks hinting red.You regarded the cookie.“It’s … I mean, that was okay, you were only –”“No, it isn’t,” your friend cut in. You and the musician immediately looked ather, both your faces painted with perplexity.“What?” you uttered. Your friend just shook her head.“A cookie isn’t gonna cut it. The poor dear can’t even eat, you made her sonervous with that performance! In fact, I dare say you owe her an actual meal!”Your mouth dropped, eyes widening. What in the ever-living Hell was this bichdoing?!Before you could recite exactly that, your friend practically shot up from herseat.“Lemme get out your way so that the two of you can talk this out. By the time Icome back, I’d better hear the location, price range, everything about thedate!” (At the utterance of “date”, you swore you could feel your heart drop throughyour abdomen.)  “For my approval, of course,” she added. Nothing and nobody could stop her fromthen leaving, practically frolicking into the café building. Leaving you andthe man alone …He actually seemed mostly unfazed. He shrugged, “She’s got a point … Thisplace has decent cookies, but that’s not exactly great compensation.” He plopped himself in the now free chair and scooched in.“I’m Poe, by the way,” he said, offering you his hand. You blinked. He … He was seriously okay with this?! Apparently so.“(Y/N),” you returned, accepting the handshake. It was warm, just likeeverything else about him. Only this time, you didn’t mind the heat as itsurged through you, from your hand to your head.

[lahallucinations]

when the dust settles

Pairing: Louis Tomlinson/Harry Styles

Summary:he wants to meet up no no no no no no i think he misses you

or, breaking up sucks, and losing your best friend at the same time is even worse

Warnings: Implied Alcohol Abuse

W/C:6835

Read on ao3: x

Louis was in the middle of contemplating whether he had enough time to sneak in a cigarette before they started filming when he got the text.

It was from Natalia, his talent manager turned best friend and it was exactly as professional as her, “sos babe i tried to stop it from happening but simon was... himself” Louis sighed. He definitely needed a cigarette break, one that was away from the crowd and preferably never-ending. It was all Simon’s fault. Simon had this way of getting Louis to agree to things that he never would consider or want. At first, it was mostly out of gratefulness and a little bit of fear that Louis or the one of the other boys would agree to whatever idea Simon proposed. It had sold, so perhaps Louis should have been appreciative but he wished he had fought harder on coordinating outfits and in the later years, the amount of work they did. Things would be different now, if he had. They might not have hit their peaks but perhaps they wouldn’t have hit their lows either.

Even now, Louis didn’t know exactly how he let Simon rope him into these projects. The convincing, or well, the schmoozing had started a few months ago, when Simon had visited him in the studio. He had listened to the demos with pursed lips and a poker face giving nothing away. The minutes right after Louis would play Simon something, he’d get transported to primary school, back to a child that was looking to a teacher, hoping for a pat on the back. It was weak. The low hum that Simon made after Louis showed him the first demo took him exactly back to his first audition. The seconds after he had sung, each felt like a century. He had barely been able to breathe, awaiting the response that would potentially change his life. The response had been good, things had worked out. Nobody is lucky twice. Simon talked around it. Despite calling himself a straight shooter, Simon didn’t tell him the songs were shit, or that they wouldn’t sell or that perhaps going solo may not work out. He was nice. If Louis had learned anything in his years working with Simon was that a nice Simon was worse than a mean one. A mean one respected you as an artist and wanted you to improve, a nice one pitied you. A week later, he had taken Louis out to a club, they’d drank martinis and had caviar tacos and Louis had felt the whole night feeling strange about the future. The album was on hold, Harry was on the goddamn radio again and his sisters didn’t need him to be the big brother anymore. He din’t even want to think about being a disappointing father on top of that. Louis didn’t know how Simon could tell what he was feeling but at the end of the night it was a simple question, “Wanna do X-factor?” It was some combination of booze and the tracks lying on the cutting board that Louis said yes. He read over Natalia’s text again and grimaced. He grabbed a cigarette from his coat pocket and lit it. He wasn’t supposed to spoke inside his dressing room but this counted as special circumstances. Louis had been good, expert even, at avoiding Harry. Both in their lives and in their professions. He had been asked about Harry’s music in an interview and the lie had come easy to him, “Yeah we’re friends. I think people will love the album.” He couldn’t imagine listening to it. He couldn’t imagine talking to him. He didn’t want to imagine seeing him. He took another drag of the cigarette. Someone knocked on the door. That was his five minute signal. This time next week, he’d be here. He shot a reply to Natalia, “make sure he gets his own dressing room. far away from mine.”

^^ The worst part about all this was, Simon was right. He enjoyed being on the show. He couldn’t remember the last time he had smiled this much during the day and then went home inspired to create more. The people on the show reminded him why he wanted to do this in the first place. He wanted to sing, he used to sing to his sisters when they were upset, getting to see their tears turn into laughter is what drove him to the auditions and even if he hadn’t gone through, he would still be making music, he firmly believed that. Watching smiles appear on the faces of the singers after hitting their high note made Louis happy. Louis knew the feeling of being on stage and impressing the crowd all too well.  He’d belt out a note and for a moment after, a silence would rush over the audience, they’d be processing what happened, Louis would take a breath in that second and then accept the uproarious cheering he was showered with. Music had purpose again. The disappointed faces of his audience didn’t run through his head while he wrote anymore. Their expectations felt manageable, not as heavy as they had been at the start. Everything he had been making felt like a recreation. It was like taking a blossomed flower  and turning it back to a bud. They were buds before, never quite at bloom but growing. Louis didn’t remember how to do that anymore, maybe he never knew how to do this alone. He’d always connected to the other boys through the music. The feeling was a rare one, akin to a sunny day after weeks of London showers. It would be him and Liam mostly, the others boys preferring to write alone, or with other people. Those sessions made everything worth it. The long hours, the lack of privacy, the haze of partying and intensity that surrounded them in those years, the sessions that were about music made it all work. He sometimes thought if he and Harry had jammed more, they might have ended differently. His mum had always told him that he couldn’t fix everything, but Louis always admired the way she held everyone together. He should have been the glue, he should have made his mum proud. The only memory Louis has of Harry writing with him, is one he can’t place, it was a late night, the rain was loud and imposing outside. Harry had returned from a party a little damp and laughing at every little thing. He had come over and took a spot next to Louis on the ground. He was close, closer than he was in public, closer they were supposed to be. His hand had lingered in the space above Louis but it didn’t sadden him. He had looked at Louis with this look. The look felt like a promise. A promise of a place without lingers, a promise of future where they could be. Louis let out a laugh now, chiding his own naivety. Liam had started strumming as Harry sang. It was gibberish at first, Harry putting together random words in succession to see what stuck. He somehow made that sound beautiful too. Soon though, Louis started paying attention again and it was soft, Harry sang as they recorded it on their phones, Louis joined in with harmonies a verse in. It was perfect, like everything Harry touched. Louis wondered if he’d ever be able to listen to that song again. ^^ Louis’ body was betraying him. His hands kept shaking, his stomach was weak and Louis almost wished he got ill so he could not have to do this today but he put that thought behind him. Professional and Pleasant. That’s the mantra that Louis had to exist by. It’s what Natalia had told him was the best course of action. She used the phrase often repeating it to herself to get through tough negotiations and dealing with the sexist asshats that dominated their industry. His stomach flipped again. Professional. Pleasant. He wanted to throw up. Louis went to grab a cigarette but found his pockets empty. He swore under his breath as he tried to find a solution. He opened the door to his dressing room and found a PA running with a box of La Croix that was probably for the crew. Louis flagged the PA down, the man was dripping with sweat and he gave Louis a tight smile. “After doing this, you mind getting me a drink too?” Louis acted friendlier than he had to, giving the man a wide smile at the end of the question. He couldn’t afford to be low energy, he had learned the hard way that his low-energy was someone else’s rude. “You want a La Croix too?” the man was disinterested, Louis could tell. “Nah, mate, I want a real one. Listen, I’ll give you the money, just get me something strong,” Louis grabbed his wallet and got out the cash. “Uh...” the PA froze. The man looked scared out of his wits. Louis sighed. The team around here still treated him like he was an eighteen year kid, chasing after every illicit thrill he could find. A moment later the PA said, “I don’t drink so... uh... if you told me what you wanted.” Louis sighed. The universe had a plan to ruin his day didn’t it. “Let’s go with a bottle of gin.” Louis came back to the dressing room and sunk into the couch, letting music from his headphones flood over him. He tried not to let his mind wander not to the changes he still had to make to his music, not to the fact that it had been almost two weeks since he’d last talked to Liam, not to dinner tonight and especially not to the other side of the building where in a near identical dressing room, he’d be there. Existing. Happy. Alone. ^^ An hour and a half a bottle of gin later, Louis finally felt okay. He knew his body well enough to drink enough to control his spiral but not enough to be considered too drunk for judging. He could very easily pass as sober and happy. Good ol’ friendly Louis. He popped in a mint to cover up the smell. He closed his eyes and tried to drown out his thoughts. His thoughts put up a difficult fight however, everything from his songs to dinner made his head hurt. He gave up the rest and checked his phone instead. Reminders filled the notifications of his phone. Call Liam. Don’t freak out. Don’t get drunk!!!!! He chuckled at the last one, at least he wasn’t wasted. He was doing fine. He shut his eyes again, one last attempt at a nap before his call time. <creak> Louis looked over to the whining door and his memories came alive. "Hey, I... uh... wanted to come over and say-" Louis blinked slow, twice, not quite ready to trust his eyes. Maybe the alcohol had gotten to him, maybe this was a dream. But no, Harry continued speaking and Louis tried to stare at the brick wall behind him. Tried. Harry's eyes were hard to compete against. -catch up." Harry looked over at Louis raising his eyebrows. Louis stood up, Harry moved forward with his arms wide, for what looked to be a hug and Louis stumbled backwards. Harry looked sheepish, and put his arms back to his side. They were both quiet for a moment, taking each other in. Louis could smell the faint whiff of Harry's cologne mixed with his hairspray, he wanted to envelop himself in that but he stabilized himself on the armrest of the couch instead. Louis felt Harry’s gaze following him. He was always like that watching not like a hawk, but a resting lion, preferring to know everything. It had always been that way, where Louis was impulsive, saying the first thing that came to his mind and Harry was the opposite. He’d observe, think and then act. Even during the X-factor days, he’d sit in a corner observing the competition, taking his time to process before deciding, how they’d tackle the week. It felt intrusive. Louis finally broke the silence,"What do you want?" Harry smiled wide. Louis couldn't think of a more assholeish move. "I wanted to catch up," his eyes were practically twinkling as if he had walked straight out of a disney movie. "I'm busy," Louis repeated the mantra in his head. "Doing what?" "Not being here," Louis started to walk past Harry to the door to leave but after a few steps, he felt an hand on his arm. His heart stopped for a second. It felt wrong. Louis shook it off. "One conversation, we can at least manage that can't we? Nothing personal, just show stuff." Louis rolled his eyes. The snark came out without intention, "Didn't know you cared so much about X factor?" “No one cares as much as you do though, that's why you're drunk right now ain’t it?” Harry shot back. Louis had to smile, it’d been too long since he heard that biting tone, one that Louis knew he had instilled in Harry. He was too polite otherwise, it was a bore. Louis shrugged. “I thought you were doing better,” he spoke slow, as if he was talking t0 a nervous fan, not wanting to spook them. Louis didn’t respond. Harry didn’t push. Harry nodded leading Louis to the couch. He looked more tense now, holding his hand together in front of him, "The producers want is to do a duet together,” he said, slow and calculating. Louis almost laughed at the intensity of Harry’s voice. He didn't know what he had expected but this was downright trivial, compared to the seriousness of Harry’s tone. Louis felt a sliver of guilt, for being a dick about it. Though, not enough to apologize "Sure, it'll make the people happy won't it, you can pick the song, just tell Natalia before the show okay, can't have me forgetting the lyrics. Doing it without rehearsal might be better, more natural?” Louis was aware of his ramble and he didn’t know whether it was the alcohol, his desire to be alone or his fear of what would happen if he wasn’t. Harry looked a little bit like a kicked puppy. He seemed resigned to the situation. He finally said, “You want to hang out, after the show?” “Sure,” Louis states, getting up and and nudging Harry to the door. Harry left and Louis’ phone buzzed. Natalia had sent a text, it read “we still going out tonight?” “ofc. i’ll see u right after the show, its gonna be litt” ^^ Louis’ appreciation for EDM grew by the second. He knew why it annoyed people, the stereotype of the DJ pressing a button at a live concert was one he too had joked about. Tonight however, Louis could kiss the DJ, the rhythmic beats permeating the crowd, every beat drop acted as an adrenaline rush to the crowd. They were at the fingertips of the DJ and Louis was right along with them. He saw Natalia across the dance floor, at the bar, doing shots with a guy who’d been chatting her up. That was her escape, this was his. The club was popular, but not snobbish and each person looking for salvation in the music. The music let them breathe, saved the drowning souls who’d otherwise end up alone. Louis danced letting the music take him over.

He felt eyes on him, he met them, they were electric blue, one’s Louis could get lost in. He had dark hair that tempted him to run his hands through, he was the type of beautiful you could lose yourself in. The guy bit the inside of his lip and looked him up and down. It was a look Louis had often seen, it said everything. Louis took him in. He was wearing a tight white t-shirt that left little to the imagination. The guy moved closer, leaned over and whispered, “Hi.” His voice sounded smooth, as if it was music itself. Louis took in a quick breath. He usually wouldn’t do this, not in public, not with a guy and certainly with a stranger but he still had a long day and the meeting with Harry had him missing the gentle bliss of waking up next to a warm body in bed. Louis smiled and let the guy grab his hand and move in closer. The guy leaned over and his lips brushed against Louis’ cheek. The guy raised his brow and his eyes shifted to the door. Louis got the message loud and clear and he grabbed his hand to lead him out to the street from a side entrance. Walking out of the club, away from the neon lights the guy said his name, “Jamie.” “Hi Jamie,” Louis whispered, staring at the beautiful man in front of him. he must have been staring for too long at his lips because the next thing he knew he felt soft lips on his own. He was caught off-guard but it felt good. To touch, to be touched was a treasure. Louis could smell the fruity smell of his shampoo as he ran his fingers through his hair. He pulled back a second later and smiled. His eyes moved down for a second and Louis’ jaw dropped. Four words. It was four words that could destroy him. He needed to find Natalia. Fuck. This boy was looking at him with wide eyes, as if he’d given him the world, and maybe he thought Louis had. “Fuck,” Louis exclaimed at the world. Jamie caught on quick. “I swear I won’t say anything, I really admire your music-” Louis couldn’t meet his eyes. His eyes did not leave the white, too tight T-shirt the boy was wearing. ‘Treat people with kindness’ it mocked. This was the fucking kindness Harry fucking Styles had brought to his life. Louis grabbed the boy by the neck of his shirt and let his panic take over, “You ever so much as breathe about this-”. “I won’t, I swear, Louis I really like you.” Fuck. What was Louis doing? He should’ve been smarter. This was weak. Simon could never find out. The boy at least looked scared out of his wits though the allure of money could make anyone talk. “How old are you?” Louis asked, letting go of the boy’s shirt. His eyes dropped and he was biting his lip, as if he was holding back tears. “Twenty,” he could barely say it. Louis rubbed his temple. This was a kid. What the fuck was he doing? “Wait here,” Louis told the kid, going back into the club. He knew the kid could take off, but Louis trusted that he wouldn’t. He found Natalia where he had left her, still at the bar, laughing along with a guy that looked like a model. Louis signalled to her that he wanted to talk and a few minutes later, the stood outside the washrooms, the only place, where they could possibly hear each other in a conversation. Louis explained the situation to her and watched her face go from curiosity to shock to terror and then annoyance and finally resignation. She pursed her lips and Louis could picture the pencil behind her ear, one that would show up whenever she was in planning mode. She paced around a little and then said, “Right, the kid is getting VIP tickets, merch or whatever the fuck kids like these days.” “He won’t say anything,” Louis said. She gave him a look that told him to shut up. “You go hang out at the bar, flirt with a girl, leave with her through the front, There’s always paps around this place so be spotted together, if not just fucking put up a photo with her on Instagram. Create a narrative, okay, I’m gonna go take care of the kid,” Natalia was already on her phone, figuring out the bribe, or the “gifts” as she’d say. “I’m sorry,” Louis said. She shrugged and simply said, “Take care of yourself tonight.” ^^ Louis woke up to his phone buzzing. He wanted to throw it against the wall. He was hungover, the past day had caught up to him and his body hurt all over. He checked his phone and saw a string of messages from Natalia. “the kid signed an NDA, thankfully no one saw. i’m so fucking hungover. i’m taking the morning off.” Louis laughed, she deserved it. He thought that’d be all she’d say but another message followed. “i got a message from Ronnie, harry’s manager? apparently you agreed to meet harry to discuss a collab, lmk if you want me to set it up, i’ll do it after my nap.” Louis knew he’d technically agreed to hang out but he hoped his absence yesterday had sent a clear message.

Yesterday may have been petty, but the sentiment was real. “no no no no no no no, ugh why can’t he leave me alone,” Louis texted back. He receives back a heart emoji, followed by a simple, “i think he misses you”. Louis groaned. He was too hungover for this. In a few hours, he’d be too sober for this, and after a few hours after, too drunk. He crawled out of bed, racking his brain to remember if he had anything that might be constituted a breakfast food in his fridge. He at least knows he has some fruits he could put in a smoothie. His fridge is sparse, nothing pops out, that he’d like to eat. He checks the freezer and finds a box of frozen waffles and sighed. At least the sugar would improve his mood. He pops two in the toaster and soon a sweet smell fills his kitchen. It reminds him of something it shouldn’t. A different apartment, a different year, the same delicious smell in his kitchen as Louis tried to mix pancake batter while Harry kept tickling him. They giggled into each other until Louis retaliated by grabbing some all- purpose flour and applying it to Harry’s face. He could still remember his curls tinted white, while Louis laughed. Harry grabbed the wooden spoon and out of Louis’ hand and splashed some batter on Louis. They had ended up a laughing mess. Louis could only hear the remnants of their joined laughter. Noise that he should’ve treasured. Looking around now, he realized how sparse and hollow his kitchen was. He hadn’t even put up a fridge magnet. The waffle was too hard, but Louis appreciated the maple syrup. They had fed each other pancakes, after remaking the batter. It was cheesy but Louis had loved Harry liked that. Smiling, joking and trying to convince Louis that his favourite pancake topping was marmite. He didn’t know that in the future he’d treasure the presence of Harry’s dimples in his life. That even when they were together, Harry would scowl more, have worry lines on his forehead and never let go enough, for his dimples to make a presence. Louis added strawberries to the second waffle. It was a blissful morning. Even as Louis thought about it, he knew that was an exaggeration. Lies and exaggeration, both stitched by the same thread. The morning was bliss, bliss until Harry suddenly pulled away from Louis’ kiss. “I think I saw a camera flash,” Harry’s voice was high, from panic. “Fuck them,” Louis response was automatic, rolling his eyes at the press trying to get some fodder for their “paper”. He saw Harry’s brow furrow. “I think i’m gonna go,” he admitted. The words punched him in the gut. “I thought we were spending the day together?” It was childish the way he’d asked, his voice almost breaking as he choked out the question. It had been a too long since they hadn’t gotten a day together, one in their own bed, after the craziness of tour, alone, with nothing to do but to be with each other. Harry had shifted nervously, and promised to call him before leaving. Louis had smashed the empty plate onto the ground and then cut himself picking up the pieces. Louis traced over his finger now, where there was a very faint scar, reminding him of why everything went to shit. It was upsetting, in a way, that Louis wanted to smile recalling the story, that little details came to him despite the distance. Harry used to hum while he cooked, he’d call him anything under the sun, from sweetheart to honey to sugar, he’d whisper “thank you” after Louis would kiss him and Louis would know that this was meant to be. The tears started before Louis could stop them. He wanted to smash a plate. ^^ The coffee shop was very... Harry. The decor was minimal, the counters marble and the smell of freshly roasted coffee beans permeated the air. A soft, indie song was playing in the background. Harry would’ve teased him for calling it indie, go on a tangent about how that word means basically nothing because any song not strictly pop was labeled as indie. Louis would’ve laughed then, he was sure.   Louis perused the menu, there were some photos of the drinks, all with latte art and a few with gold flakes that based on the price Louis knew must be real gold. It wasn’t a surprise that Harry chose this place, he always did appreciate decadence. I In other words, this place was pretentious. The people around him were all dressed to the tens. Louis shuffled in his seat, he had sat in the corner so he wouldn’t be spotted, but the walls were mostly glass making anonymity difficult. He felt out of place in his Adidas tracksuit. Despite his fame and affluence there was something about this place that made him uncomfortable. Louis could feel eyes on him, but these weren’t the wondering eyes of people who’d nudge to their friends trying to confirm whether they had spotted a celebrity in the wild or just stared at a regular guy for ten minutes. An older woman sitting at a table near him huffed. Louis knew it was directed at him, because he looked like he belonged in a club, not in a place that had the pace of an old age home. Louis checked the time again. Harry was late. Maybe the universe was testing Louis, how long would he wait for him before he left? How much did he care? He decided to scroll through Instagram while waiting. His hands shook while he scrolled, his body giving away the knots that were forming in his stomach. The cafe door opened and Louis looked up. He took in a sharp breath. He noticed the white shirt before anything else, it was tight, a grey coat hanging off his body. He looked comfortable, a little bit more relaxed than when they saw each other on set. They caught eyes and Harry made his way to the table. “Sorry, did I make you wait? You should have ordered,” Harry rushed out, mumbling through some of the sentence. “I didn’t know what you wanted.” Louis responded. It was colder than he anticipated, he smiled to make up for it. “Uh.. I can go order, and let me cover it, for being late. They have a really good green tea here. And for you?” Louis kept himself composed. Of course he wanted to pay, that’s what the did with girls too, flash his money to make the other person feel special. Or smaller. He wanted to remind Harry that he had money too, he could buy the bistro if they were comparing wallets. That was unfair, his sister often told him about love languages and how buying things might be hers, Louis knew it was because she wanted some more pocket money to spend on her friends but it must have stuck, because he didn’t snap at Harry. “Espresso is good,” Louis said, it felt odd, conversing about something so normal. They weren’t talking about love, the band or anything bigger than a cup of coffee. Harry raised his brow, “Um.. you don’t want milk or sugar?” “I take it black now,” Louis responded. It felt like a confession. Louis browsed as Harry ordered, the outside world taken over by the golden glow of a sunset. He was reminded of a few years ago, on a tour bus. He wouldn’t be able to name the tour they were on, the city, or even the country they were going through but he remembered Harry, fallen asleep leaning on the window, his curls almost covering his face. He was skinnier then, smaller too and the golden light on Harry made Louis’s heart skip a beat. Harry carried Louis’ drink a minute later, he was followed by a barista carrying Harry’s tea. It smelled like a freshly mowed lawn. The barista also carried a plate that had a slice of chocolate cake on it. “Thought you’d like it,” Harry said, “unless you don’t like chocolate anymore.” Louis doesn’t know what he means by that, whether its a jab or a regular statement. He ignores it. “So, Ronnie mentioned something about you working on a new album, how’s that going?” Louis had a strategy, keep it polite, keep it professional, don’t notice the was Harry’s curls drop in front of his face and definitely resist the urge to tuck it behind his ear. Harry fixed his curls as he talked, “It’s going really well. Yours? Will I be hearing it soon?” Louis tightens his grip on the small cup he’s holding, “Uhh... eventually.” “I liked the singles by the way, I’m sure your album will be brilliant. And from someone who’s done it solo, don’t chase perfection, okay? There were some songs I really doubted but they ended up being people’s favourite,” Harry smiled as he spoke. Smiled as if he was unaware of the weight of every word he said piercing Louis’ heart. It had been two years. Harry wrote an album. He established himself as an artist, respected even outside their core audience. Louis... didn’t move on. Their breakup hadn’t been like the snap of a twig, it was more akin to a fallen leaf decaying away. Harry had rested in the soil and sprouted again, Louis had floated away. “I didn’t hear your album.” The words should have left a residue of awkwardness at the table but Harry laughed. “I wasn’t fishing for a compliment, I swear. Anyway on the new album, you should do a duet with me.” Louis gasped, “What? “You have to admit it, there was a spark,” Harry spoke with surety and conviction.   “You’re imagining things,” Louis kept a straight face, hoping his face wasn’t betraying him. He made eye contact with Harry to sell the lie, but it didn’t work. “Really? That’s what you’re going with? I know you,” Harry raises his voice, disbelieving,“Oh my god I saw that bloody look on your face.” Louis bit the inside of lip, “What look?” “The one where you make the other person feel like they’re lucky to be near you, like they’re part of some secret club. I know that look. And I know you-” “-You knew me. Harry, look you wanted a meeting, I gave you that, I even came all the way too this posh ass coffee place so just tell me what on earth do you want from me? Harry still felt foreign on his tongue, he couldn’t remember the last time he’d said his name out loud, let alone to his face.   They were quiet for a moment. Louis noticed the song playing in the background, it was classical, something he’d never hear. “Call me Haz,” it was casual the way Harry say to a reporter who he was trying to make a good impression on. Louis didn’t know whether that ever worked but Harry’s eyes were almost pleading. “Haz, I don’t think I have anything left to give you.” the words were almost easy to say, perhaps because it had been years, years spent practicing, endless days spent repeating the same conversation in his head. In all the scenarios he imagined this reunion, he’d been smiling. He’d be smiling ,drawn in by the charm dripping of off Harry’s lips or the familiarity of his drawl as he spoke. Louis would chide himself after for letting a drink or two relive memories that he’d rather not remember. He was always smiling, and Harry was too and suddenly he was back to being the naive, eighteen year old who’d think only of the now and kiss Haz. “Lou, please tell me I’m not delusional. That we have,” he seemed to be editing himself as he spoke, “we had something real, we could do that again.” Louis remained silent. Harry continued, “We can be friends, if you’d rather I promise I’ll respect your boundaries. All i want is you in my life, however much you want.” The silence that followed was deafening. It was after that long silence that Louis stated, “We weren’t good for each other.” “You only remember the bad parts,” Harry said raising his brow. Harry was always the optimist and he seemed to be reminding Louis of that. “You only remember the good bits, do you really think we can just be friends?” There was an edge to his voice, a bitterness that came out during the question. Louis used to hate that, but it was honest. He wasn’t pretending that they had a future. “Yeah, I want to make music with you, go on tour again, isn’t that something you want?” Harry asked. “And you’ll be okay with just that?” Louis doubted everything coming out of Harry’s mouth. He knew him too well, to not know when Harry regret this later. He nodded, “I would respect what you wanted.” Louis wanted to scoff. “Harry who are you kidding? The rumours would be everywhere, rumours you hated. And look me in the eyes and tell me you wouldn’t want us to be back together every time we were in the same fucking room,” Louis raised his voice now, getting passionate   “Look X-factor is great for you, but you’re better than that, you’re so fucking good. Why don’t you embrace that?” “This is not about my career.” “What’s it about then?” “Let’s say I say yes, I open for you, or we make an album together, we go on tour together and you see me with someone else, then what?” “I know you hook up with women.” “Let’s say its a guy,” “I’d handle it.”

“Would you? Or would you be hurt over not being with me? Because I’d be hurt if the tables were turned.” “I don’t know what you want me to say.” “You still love me, it’d kill you to see me with someone else, I know you’re carrying a torch for me because I’m carrying one for you too.” “We could be together then, do it in secret but not have that pressure that we did. Be free for once, can’t we be happy?” It was a plea, the way Harry said. Teary eyes and voice breaking, his heart was breaking. “You can’t make blue and red out of purple, love. We can’t go back.” They sat there for a long time, in silence. Louis didn’t know whether he had any tears left in him, though he felt the urge to bawl. Harry looked about the same. The barista came over and asked if they wanted something else. Louis ordered another piece of cake, he hoped it was delicious enough to bury some of their sadness. It was awkward. It was awkward and weird and Louis felt sweat go down on the back of his neck. The class clown in him wanted to crack a joke, tease Harry about the dwindling quality of his tattoos, to say something. He swallowed. “How’s your mum doing?” he asked. “You’re changing the topic, just like that?” “I still care about you,” Louis smiled, “I’ve never stopped.” Harry turns his head, looking away for a second , “You fuckin- do you hear yourself? What the hell have you become? You were always the one fighting, fighting for the rest of us to have control, to fucking do what we’re good at, create shit we were proud of and now what? You’re not proud of me anymore?” Louis clutched the fork tighter. Through gritted teeth he said, “The world out there are vultures, ready to attack. Do I think about being with you? Every goddamn day, but you know we can’t do this, we can’t be some joke that everyone points at, I want you to be more, go be a fucking legend.” “Don’t give me that bullshit, you’re a coward, every single time I’ve performed I’ve been up there posing with the flag, and in those moments all I’m thinking about is how much I want you there next to me, don’t you dare tell me we can’t have it all, our happiness is not conditional,” Harry declared. He was angry, passionate and looked like he wanted to strangle Louis. Louis paused, running his hands through his hair, looking up to see expectant eyes, “You’re going to do great things, Haz. With or without me,” he looked down to the floor, which felt too clean for a coffee shop. “With, it’s not a question, it’ll always be with you. I’m ready to face whoever the fuck comes between us, I’ll quit being in the public eye, work in a bakery in the middle of nowhere, if it meant that we were still together,” he rambled, clearly frustrated. Louis hated being frustrating, but Harry was trying to save him, withhout wearing his own oxygen mask.

“There you go again, giving up parts of yourself for me, I want you to have the life you dreamed of as a kid, I want you to travel the world, make music, act, be wild, be the success story you were meant to be. You don’t need me holding you back, love.” Louis smiled, it was unconvincing but necessary. Harry pulled back, “Are you happy, Louis?” Louis blinked in surprise. “You tell me you’re happy and I’ll back off. I’ll be professional, won’t even be an acquaintance, I’ll be the perfect ex if you tell me that you’re happy.” “I’m hap-” Louis started, then paused. Was he happy? He was doing alright. He was struggling, sure but who doesn’t sometimes? He wasn’t depressed, he had seen friends go though that he didn’t lock himself in his room everyday. He was on the telly for goodness sake, he was doing fine. Was he happy? He liked his music, he liked his sisters and he was happy that he had friends in his life. Was he happy? Harry raised a brow, challenging Louis. “Why the fuck does it matter?” Louis demanded.

“It matters because I care, and you should too.”

“Haz, you’re making this harder than it has to be.”

“Look, you don’t want me caring about you, fine, but at least care about yourself, you were happy back then and now,” Harry paused and his silence gave everything away.

Louis scoffed. And then he coughed, though it sounded suspiciously like tears.

“Fucking hell, you’re actually concerned aren’t you,” Louis said in a disbelieving tone.

Harry reached out, left his hand on the table and ran his thumb up and down his index finger. It was a gesture Louis knew too well, their way of comfort in public, were even without touch the other could feel held.

Louis smiled at its familiarity.

He had to face the music.

“I don’t think I’ve been happy since,” Louis admitted, “I don’t know if you’ll make me happy, it was shit before, apart from us, but right now I don’t know if I can handle that,” his breathing gets heavier, “it was so much work.”

Louis could tell he was on the brink of tears. He felt a hand on his knee, underneath the table. They didn’t do that before; at least not when they were alone and in public. He must have longed for it once, now it just hurt.

“Louis, do you want to be happy?” Harry asked.

“Doesn’t everyone?” Louis rolled his eyes at the question.

“Then that’s enough.”

“We’re not getting back together, I can’t promise that we ever will get back together, you should probably move on,” Louis stated.

“That’s okay, you should focus on getting better, sorting out your head, see a therapist maybe, and I want to be a friend, to help you through that.”

It’s painful to hear.

It feels like pity.

He looks at Harry, whose eyes are wide and teary and he knows its concern, not pity.

“Thank you, Haz, for everything,” Louis said in a soft voice.

p, li { white-space: pre-wrap; }

[canaryatlaw]

okay, let’s get this written so I can actually get to bed by like, 2 am. today was at least super productive, I didn’t get everything done that I wanted to but I still got a ton of stuff done so that’s good. I woke up to my alarm at 11:30, 15 minutes earlier than normal because I had to drop off my rental textbooks package at the UPS store, but then I realized it’s literally right on my way to PT and it’ll take me like, 30 seconds to run in the store, give them the package (postage already paid for) and leave, so I hung out for a bit then left at 12:05. Dropped the package off, went to PT. I’m kinda pissed, because my last period was like, almost cramp free for like the first time in my life, but now of course they’re back with a vengeance, and it was super uncomfortable and painful in PT, so I was ready to get out of there. As soon as I finished I ran to the bathroom and put the cramp thingy on and thankfully that helped. From there I caught the bus, took it south, then walked a bit east to go to Target. My family’s coming in tomorrow and idk how much they’re gonna like, want to eat at my apartment, but I figured I should at least be a bit prepared for such things, and plus I was running out of groceries period because I hadn’t been to the store for a while. So I ran around and stocked up on things, my mom asked if I could get some water bottles so I got a big 24 pack of them, which while checking out I put in the bottom of my cart, which of course took up a bunch of room, them piled the rest of my groceries on top of it, fitting almost all of it. I knew this would be impossible to wrangle on public transport, so I just grabbed an uber home. Because of the water bottles in the bottom, my cart thing was like, unbelievably heavy. my uber driver was a somewhat older man and he tried to pick it up and was like oh boy, this is heavy haha so we both got it in and out of the trunk, and then trying to get it up one flight of stairs to my apartment was like, the most difficult thing. the stairs each have like a little lip at the edge that hangs out over the one below it, so if I’m pulling it behind me instead of just going from edge to edge, it had to come over the lip and like, it was the worst. it took me at least 10 minutes to get it all the way up and I was super out of breath afterwards. Guess I can forget any feelings of being strong from PT exercises when I’m clearly really fucking weak. Anyway, I got to my apartment and put everything away, then ran downstairs and put my first load of laundry in. while it was being washed I decided to tackle the dishes and mess that was the kitchen, almost all of which being my doing, and since we don’t have a dishwasher (ugh) it took quite a while, but I got through it all. I ended up fitting everything into 3 loads of laundry, which believe me, was an accomplishment given how much dirty clothing I actually had. After I finished with the dishes I made a dutch baby for dinner because I do what I want, then got my final load of laundry out and dumped all the clothes on my bed to hopefully dry out because our fucking dryer doesn't work very well and leaves like, all the clothes damp. And then it was time for Arrow. very meh episode for me, I was waiting for my girl Black Siren to show up the whole time after last week’s cliffhanger with her, so them pretending like that didn’t even happen was annoying. it also didn’t feel like it advanced the plot very much, it was just like oh hey gunfight, now there’s another, gunfight, and one more, over and over again, which just isn't very interesting to me. Oh well. the finale next week better be good if you’re pulling in my girl Sara Lance, even if you’re probably killing off her father and I will literally never forgive the writers if they do that. but, you know. After Arrow was over I started dyeing my hair, because I hadn't dyed it since mid-March and I wanted it to look nice and bright for graduation pictures, especially because the graduation robes are like, red and blue (very strange choices, I know, but I’ll live) so hopefully it’ll look good with that. while the hair dye was in I started folding all the laundry on my bed. I had been hoping to be able to sort through all of it and pull out my summer clothes to switch my wardrobe over, but I knew that would take way more time than I had, and it’s not a super urgent thing (I can always just pull some summer clothes from the suitcase as needed) so I’ll put it off for now, being that I’m going to have some free time ahead anyway. Showered to get the dye out, then went back to folding clothes which took forever, and now my dresser has clothes hanging out of like, every drawer two they won’t close, lol, I have way too much clothing. And after that I started getting ready for bed and now here I am. It took me a little while between getting on my laptop and writing this, because they just announced on twitter that Jes Macallan is doing her first ever con, and IT’S IN FUCKING AUSTRALIA and like Jess and I have had this conversation so many times like worrying if we couldn’t get to her first con and what we’d do to get there, so this is legit like worst case scenario. I did entertain the thought enough to look up some flights, but the absolute cheapest I could find was like, $1350, and routed through Hong Kong, and with the massive travel time the trip would end up taking an entire week (in order to be there for the whole day both Saturday and Sunday, we’d have to leave on Wednesday to get there on Friday, then leave Monday and get back Tuesday, so that’d be a whole week away from everything, and Jess would still be teaching at that point so that couldn’t really work). AND and, it’s the weekend of my cousins wedding that I’m expected to be at, so there’s that too. Ugh, this sucks lol. but okay, it’s late and I’m tired, so I’m gonna hit the hay now. Family is flying in tomorrow, hopefully all goes well and we’ll have some fun. Goodnight my friends. Love you all dearly. 

oh, the thing I wanted to tell you about my anonymous exam ID number. we get a 4 digit number every semester to use for exams because it’s blind grading, and if you write my full birthday out (like MM/DD/YY), my number this semester was the first two and the last two digits (so 2 for month and 2 for year) and I just thought that was kind of amusing because it was definitely a coincidence. One semester my number was a 1957, which was super convenient because it was so easy to remember, lol. Okay, I done for real now. Goodnight. 

[smireyac]

fuck this year man u dont even get cute emojis in the title this time

so lemme just start by saying fuck 2020 

now that we’re on the same page, lets get into it

so i dont have to explain all the reasons why this year sucked bc u just need to google 2020 and there will be a million reasons why it was TOTAL FUCKING GARBAGE...... usually when so many people collectively say a year sucked ass, i can be like “oh it wasnt *all* bad for me, personally” haha not this year!!! 

its super fucking depressing to look at how hopeful and positive i was about 2020 a year ago..... ofc there was no way for me to have known it would all go to shit but i still really appreciate the tone i had set... reading over the previous reflections and seeing how harsh and negative i was @ myself made the softness of last years post super refreshing.... 

now i said i dont *have* to explain all the ways 2020 was shitty, but i am gonna explain the biggest reason this year was shitty for me, personally..... it might seem really small in comparison to the ways 2020 was shitty as a whole on like a global scale? but really the biggest reason 2020 sucked ass was i didnt get to really hang out with any of my friends in real life for 9 out of the 12 months of the year.... and really it was like the first week of march that shit hit the fan so like really it was only 2 months that we got to see each other....... if u rmbr p much every previous retrospective post ive made, there was a big emphasis on friends..... ive come to realize that im actually a very *extra*verted person??? despite my overall shyness and homebody attitude, i would always choose to hang out with people over being alone so stay-at-home orders FUCKING SUCKED??? when we all thought it would be over in a couple weeks, maybe a month it was fine?? hey its a good time to draw or catch up on that reading and/or writing i said i was gonna do maybe even start learning to drive?? it’ll be no big deal THEN it wasn’t over in a month and it wasnt gonna BE over anytime soon and no one important was doing anything about it and its an election year and black lives have always mattered and yet everything is so uncertain and

[inhale]

[exhale]

this year was..... a lot...... too much in fact

in 2018, i had said that i watched vox’s video on the year in 5 mins and cried... if i watched this year in five minutes, i dont think i would be able to breathe...... 

SO instead of making myself CRY..... lets try to think about any GOOD things that happened and think about what we can do to make 2021 good for ourselves:

GOOD THINGS THAT HAPPENED:

-i *didn’t* lose my job!! sad that so many others cannot say the same but im trying to make myself feel *better* not WORSE so i got to keep my job and i actually work more hours than before so!!

-i actually *did* learn to drive this year!!!! and im pretty good at it??? for someone that just started this year anyway?? i probably *would* have my DRIVER’S LICENSE right now if it weren’t for a surge in cases in a certain STATE that i happen to live in......... but w/e its fine i get more time to practice and im ~~**DEFINITELY**~~ going pass my test and get my license ~whenever it is that i can reschedule my dmv appt~

lmfao its so funny that last year, i was absolutely *dreading* learning to drive but i so fucking get why everyone was like ‘you need to learn how to drive’ i legit love it so much???? ive always been a car person but that was like purely for the aesthetic but now that i can drive im just....... WOOOW this really is what freedom feels like.... like ik that public transportation is amazing and i will always champion it but nothing beats being purely in control of your destination.... i also wanted to buy myself a car for my birthday even tho i couldnt really drive yet but then sien had to fix smthg on her car and it was EXPENSIVE AF and my mom was like “u dont need to buy a car yet” so i put the brakes [haha] on that... but soon... once i get my license,,, then i will have u my love................. so with that being “my most serious goal of 2020″ im glad i did it

-i was one of lucky ones and got unemployment when i couldn’t work so i have a lot of money saved in the bank??? pls no one steal my identity i wanna use that money to buy myself a car and/or for when we move out 🤞🤞 we’ll just have to wait and seeeeee....................

-i had mentioned playing dnd last year too and thats been going STRONG as hell thank goodness....... we couldnt keep playing in person but when we moved it to online, not only did we actually get to hang out a lot more, we made more friends??? introduced new people to the group?? its so good and in fact probably the only thing that kept me even a little bit sane this year...... 

-this is more of an honorable mention than an accomplishment but im this 🤏close to catching up with critical role and thats partially thanks to the pandemic lmao sooooo ??? 

aaaaaaand thats p much it lol i didnt really accomplish any of my other goals bc reasons................. but!!! as cliche as it sounds, with a light at the end of the tunnel, im confident that i can turn that all around this year.... so if 2016 was the year of change, 2017 was the year of getting used to shit, 2018 was the year of getting *too* used to shit and 2019 ended up being the year of friends, 2020 was the year of absolute shit and it doesn’t fucking count....... i learned a lot this year, biggest lesson of all is that life is short and if i were to have died at any point last year, what the fuck would i have to show for it??? so usually i end up giving a theme or name to a year after its done but this time im determined to make 2021 into what i want it to be SO i am declaring this year, the year of our lord 2021, the year of new experiences!!!! what the fuck does that mean you ask? well ill tell you!!! im gonna try new things this year!! make a very pointed effort to do things outside my comfort zone?? and for my goals this year, im going back to my old way of making a huge list of stuff u wanna do and seeing how much i can actuallly accomplish!! now i said theres a light but we really dont know when all this shit will end and life will go “bAcK tO nOrMaL” so whos to say ill get to accomplish any of it? at the same time, there are plenty of stuff on the list that i can do within the pandemic set parameters so!! lets see this list!!

2021 GOALS:

[check boxes bc there is no plain box emoji lmao]

☑️ read new books!! i’ll keep last years goal bc i didnt meet it and i have good reads now which tells me i just need to read 1.5 books a month to reach that goal!! huzzah!

☑️ watch new shows and new movies b4 u end up watching shit you’ve already seen a million times... i bought an old planner for 2020 instead of 2021 by accident but i hope it will help keep track of the movies/shows along with the books too!

☑️ listen to new music!! this years spotify wrapped was garbo it only had like 3 albums and a bunch of other shit i always listen to so i gotta fix that lmfao

☑️ write new stories!! i am comforted by the shit ive been writing for the past like 7 years but if my screenplay class taught me anything its that there are a lot of stories to tell and i got so many ideas floating around in this noggin!! instead of an arbitrary word count, why dont i say write idk 3 new stories, start to finish, in whatever medium idc screenplay, short story, comic, twine WHATEVER!! do it!

☑️ eat new food!! lmao this one seems the most silly to me but ive never had indian food, ive never had [not really anyway] korean food, i want to find new restaurants and eat new food!!! yum!

☑️ go on a road trip!!

☑️ visit some place ive never been before!!

☑️ go on a hike??

☑️ go to mexico again

☑️ ride a scary rollercoaster you previously wouldnt have

☑️ go to a club

☑️ get silly drunk fr 

☑️ FUCK IT go on dates!! self date friend dates sister date cousin dates R- Romantic... dates ??? FUCK IT!!! YEAH!! DATE ALL UP IN THIS BITCH!!

☑️ learn to use blender

☑️ animate something 

☑️ make a big painting

☑️ cosplay ???? AHH

☑️ learn to roller skate lmao u bought the skates and were so excited for them!! 

☑️ go somewhere SUPER DARK and go see some real stars!!!! 

☑️ and to top it all off, throw the airbnb house party that we’ve been talking about for MONTHS lmao 

hmmmm,, i think thats a good enough list for now ?? another thing i wanted to accomplish.... that im scared to speak into existence bc then i cant back out of doing it...........and it doesnt align with the whole “new” spirit of 2021 but.......... i want to like start making apartments for rent????? like i want to have something of it to show by, if not the 8th anniversary then by the end of the year HHUFF THERE I SAID IT......... no turning back now.......... 

alright its almost midnight on.... whats this? its already jan. 1st??? lmao yeah fuck it i didnt keep up with anything i normally did this year who cares i made up the rules i can break them too lol  

so yeah 

we’ll see what this year brings us,,,,

hoo boy

[jmaria200]

Guidelines for Surviving American Culture Now

America is a country liberties, wealth, and technological advancement that are often unheard of in much of the world. We can generally marry who we choose, vote for who we want too, and our freedom of speech is protected. Our poorest citizens still have more than most of Bangladesh. But it would be naive to think that such benefits do not come at a cost. We are a people with a crises of identity as we strive live up to lofty enlightenment goals set by our founding fathers and fail to repeatedly. Our current society is marked by predatory capitalism, degradation of social welfare, and inequality fostered in part of a rapid technological expansion and a societal decline. We’re no where near anarchy but, realistically, these factors have eaten away at the organization foundations that support everyday life increasing the likelihood of being exploited. I’ve brought together guidelines, some which are researched and some common sense, to hopefully help bolster the chance of healthy living in today’s America.

1.) Avoid commercials in any form. They’re usually meant to make you feel insecure or sell you stuff you don’t need. Listen to public radio stations without commercials, mute or switch television, and radio stations when commercials come on. Subscribe to streaming channels that don’t have commercials like Netflix. Educate yourself on products and places out there instead of being fed information by advertisers.

2.) In fact, try to limit television and other media as much as possible. It is a very America past time and actually can keep you isolated from other people that can make your life more exceptional.

3.) Ditto for computer and your phone.(Wait did I advocate for putting down the phone. Oh, no. Not one of those people!) Yes, these are tools that have their place in our society and should remain there.  When they become almost a way of life (think of two people sitting at a table together looking at their phones) things have gone to far.

4.) Instead have real hobbies. After you pull away from the electronics, you might find that you have time for maybe taking up dancing or building models.

5.) Avoid the typical American diet, especially processed sugars. I recommend reading books by authors like Michael Pollan that advocate for whole, natural foods. You’ll probably lose weight and feel much better.

6.) Cook your own food and eat in as much as possible. If the food is tasty and relatively healthy, the company is welcome, and the ambience is amazing, yes, enjoy your night out at a restaurant. This is a special moment. Eating out should be special. I think in this country we’ve become enamored with eating out because we’re tired, lazy, busy, etc. We drag ourselves to grim, sterile places and suck down greasy food. This perspective has spawned America’s fast food nation and it has helped make us sickly.  We even export fast food to other countries. It is something we are known for and that is not good. This is a case again where people who want to make money don’t always have our best interest at heart. Even sit down restaurants can put a lot of fat, salt, and sugar in their foods. Sometimes it’s just about appealing to our urges. When someone else prepares our food we just don’t really know what is in there. When we make our own food, we can have more control over our diet and what we put in our bodies. We can choose to eat whole, natural foods instead of stuff created in laboratories. If we are demoralized about our lives then we will often won’t care what we put in our bodies, which is not caring about ourselves.

7.) Treat media, social, and otherwise, with care. Just like we should be careful what we let in our bodies so should we be with what we let in our heads. Yes, I have a Facebook account, but no I don’t believe it is anyway a true substitute for a face to face friendship. Once again use social media a tool to get something done or keep in touch with already established friends, but you’ll probably end up alone and depressed if you actually think most of those followers are true friends or that everyone else’s life is perfect as seen in posted pictures. Media in general can sell you on many opinions and ideas. It’s up to you to decide who you are going to listen too and about what. This is when being educated and a critical thinker really helps.

8.) So read (and sometimes watch) stuff that informs you, challenges you, and gets you thinking. Yes,we can all veg out on mindless entertainment. The American movie industry has proven that time and again through the years. You can also go through life mindlessly as well unsure and afraid about what is happening around you and rallying to causes you don’t know much about and watching the institutions of this country crumble. Plenty of business people and crooked politicians will love you for it. But if you come armed with an informed perspective then you can be an active citizen of a democracy and standing for something.

9.) On that note, get out and make connections. Join associations. Volunteer. Attend a civic meeting. These have become lost arts in our culture of sitting home and streaming media. Such activities will almost always improve your life as you meet new people. Don’t worry so much about what people think. If you’re authentic people will connect with you. Everyone is insecure out there in some way like you.

10.) Really understand what it means to be authentic vs inauthentic. I didn’t know the answer to this riddle for most of my life. I usually thought being authentic as having the near perfect life, but that is a distortion like the pictures on Facebook. Authenticity is something that comes from knowing and loving who you are and accepting that faults and all. It also means that because you are comfortable and compassionate with yourself you will want to be that way with others. Being inauthentic is often connected to fear and anxiety about ourselves and the world around us. Fear contributes to insecurity and making poor choices especially in the face of stress. Modern American life has gotten especially stressful as we are afforded less and less control over our lives therefore...

11.) You will need to learn how to manage chronic stress, anxiety, and other negative thoughts and emotions if you want to live authentically. Human beings were designed with the same fight or flight response as all other living things on this planet. It helps keep us alive. But modern society has plenty of ways to send this system into overdrive where we find ourselves anxious and worrying. Fear and anxiety contribute to poor values and a break down of social ties.  Rule of thumb is if your doing productive worrying over real problems that’s okay but if it’s just plain general anxiety, that is probably a bigger problem that needs to be rooted out. You will probably have to make some decisions about changing your values and your lifestyle, which can be good.

12.) Beware of those who are inauthentic. They’re more common than you think. Human beings are social creatures who are actually designed to bond with each other with compassion and empathy and, while we are all inauthentic or insecure at times to others, there are those who are inauthentic about who they are. They often lack empathy and seek to antagonize and take advantage others. These are often people who were raised by insensitive parents or caretakers and developed personality disorders like narcissism, Machiavellian, or psychopathy.  Essentially they are people who are self centered and have questionable or no morality. Often they can end up in positions of power as they are ambitious and savvy. In a climate of fear these personalities can gain influence and control by manipulating others as is increasingly common in modern America. Being self loving and compassionate towards ourselves and each other is the best defense.

13.) But do listen to reasonable people with different opinions. Our somewhat quarantined lifestyles combined with the constant influx of information has divided Americans along many different lines. We tend to exist in echo chambers where we can hear our opinions and beliefs bounced back at us and never really know what the other side believes. You might be surprised that if they’re rationale they’re probably more similar than you think. 

14.) Get out in nature. Today there is so much living we can do in our houses and office buildings staring at screens. But I’m not sure I would call that living. Even on nice days I rarely see people outside or outside for long in my neighborhood. Humans lived close to nature for thousands of years. Our separation from it is only a recent phenomenon. Research has shown that nature can help with emotional and psychological well being and it’s good exercise. Also you’ll be more likely to go green as much as possible if you actually see what is out there to save.

15.) Opt for public transportation whenever possible. America fell in love with the automobile and fell hard. After all it contributes to our privacy and sense of independence. One could say now we’re having some buyers remorse as we sit in seemingly endless traffic jams. I don’t know about you, but I think driving brings out some of the worst in people too especially in a time of social corrosion where road rage incidents are climbing. Yes, your city may not have much in the way of a public transportation system, like many American cities, but still use it when you can. Again you will be helping the environment.

16.) Go green whenever possible.  At this point in human history, this guideline is common sense.  We depend on this planet and we have damaged it. Not trying to something about this issue is more about lack of willpower than lack of information and understanding. Yes, going cold turkey on driving a car or using plastic is probably not realistic right now, but do the little things like recycling, limiting water usage, pushing for greener options with your wallet, etc.

17.) Be educated about education. Sure it is mandated and can be great  to have an education in this country. Life today requires too much not to be. But be smart about your education. Be aware of the state of American public school systems that still churn out students on an industrial level. Be aware of the business nature of colleges that often sell one on the promise of a bright future with a large price tag attached. Determine first if college is even right for you.

18.) Football is a game.  I have often considered European futbol (soccer) a drawn out, dull sport. What the hell is so exciting about people running up and down a field for hours? Where’s the big scores, amazing tackles, and seemingly constant last minute heroics of American football? Yes, the National Football League boasts huge scores, salaries, and profits. Sunday is the day devoted to football and the Superbowl is practically a holiday. Fans often live and die by their team. Heaven help a losing season. On the other hand, my concern is how the NFL is really slick marketing of a product where the more superficial aspects of current American ideology: winning and celebrity leave behind good solid character and sportsmanship that people should be aspiring too in society, especially children. How often do you hear about a player that is cheered for getting out there and just doing a solid job? Football tends to play into the cultural paradigm that being exceptional is what matters and anything less, well, ends up in the Canadian Football League. Not to mention the most exceptional team today, the New England Patriots, has constantly been accused of cheating and stealing. It is a league whose power often allows it to defines it’s own narrative forgetting the darker side of what is by definition a violent sport where people sacrifice their bodies( Chronic Traumatic Encephalopathy anyone?). Also when it comes to the endless excitement, I’ve heard there is only eleven minutes of actual action in a football game. Eleven minutes! The rest of that three to four hour game is people walking up and down a field, huddling up, kicking off, and most of all commercials poured on so thick that it is nearly suffocating.(Take that soccer). Consider the cost of a single football game with parking, food, beer, etc can range into the hundreds of dollars for that eleven minutes of action. Whether the experience is worth the money depends on the person, but, in an age when less and less of us have expendable income, the ‘true’ fans still seem to fork over the money without a second thought. When it comes the fanatics raging in their chairs, it generally it’s just not healthy when one’s emotional well being hinges on anything outside of themselves, sports or otherwise. The guys on the field should know this as well. Either way it is awkward to watch a grown man have temper tantrum in his living room or on the sidelines over a lost game. Don’t get me wrong. Many NFL players, staff, etc. are amazing people and athletes who work their asses off and deserve what they earn, but these achievements and the league as a whole should be kept in a realistic light.  The NFL is an organization that needs to be held accountable for what it does and how it treats its players, its fans, and, in the end, football, like a soccer, is a game for entertainment.  We are entertained and then we turn off the TV or drive home from the stadium.

19.) Spirituality and religion: Anyone who has lived in America realizes that American life is heavily influenced by organized religion especially the many forms of Christianity. While some form of spirituality, or belief in something bigger than oneself, is considered part of emotional maturity being part of a organized religion is a choice. This idea tends to get lost as people are often indoctrinated by their parents, or other caregivers, and this grooming is reinforced by the large community or society.  Such an omission is common as it opens the door for dissension in faiths. In other words, while one can leave a religion, one often doesn’t because of potentially being ostracized. I believe that if the faith one was brought up in no longer fits, then one has the right to follow their desires and beliefs on what spirituality means to them.  If one does remain in an organized religion I heavily recommend doing so with eyes wide open. While there are plenty of decent people serving religious mission, the blind faith religions engender is often allows exploitation especially in current times when people can feel lost and vulnerable and are looking for answers. Despite their supernatural underpinnings, religious organizations are organizations run by humans, therefore, they are vulnerable to human error.

20.) Get enough sleep: Today’s America wants to keep you doing things and distracted as much as possible, which keeps you off the sheets. Since the invention of the light bulb and the electric grid, humans can now live well into the night, however no one told our biorhythms that still operate on the original daylight schedule. Less than seven hours of sleep is typically not enough for the average human being despite the modern ‘remedy’ that is caffeine. A self professed night owl, I’m as guilty as the next guy when it comes to staying up late. Daily life is taxing on living creatures and sleep is the brain and bodies way of hitting the pause button to regroup and heal. Putting it bluntly, if you don’t sleep enough you are wearing your body and mind down overtime and you can probably expect a host of health problems.

21.) Be skeptical of mainstream culture and “common sense”. Doing what everyone else is doing seems mandated especially when you’re a teenager and trying to figure out who the hell you are. When you mature enough you figure out who you are and understand just pointless it was to want to be like others.  

[elle-stevens]

The Break Up Blog - Day 4

Just like I predicted, it was a bad day again. 

I guess I really am having withdrawal from being one of two people in a couple. I’ve always liked things that go in pairs, even the bad things. So when it comes to dealing with things like my mild form of depression, I tend to have one good day followed by a bad day in succession. 

I think today was more about just feeling the loss of my relationship and with that, the good memories I still have of X. Even listening to happy songs had poignant meaning today, and all in reference to her. I once made her an online playlist (the millennial version of a mixed tape) for a celebration of one of our ‘monthaversaries’. For our first year as a couple, we celebrated every month together and gave each other small gifts. I can’t speak for X, but for myself, celebrating a ‘monthaversary’ felt more special because I never knew how long we’d be together for. I always thought I’d have more time to make her playlists filled with songs that reminded me of her. Now, X is just buried in the musical notes of every song I hear. 

I keep forgetting to make the correlation between sleeping habits and my depression. If I get enough rest, I feel fine. But when I don’t get enough rest or I’m too anxious to sleep properly, then I feel tired and moody, which often leads to a bad day mentally. I feel like I’m getting flu, so I tried to take a nap earlier. But even though I drifted in an out of sleep for a good hour, I got no rest. 

So I gave that up and I decided that the hot afternoon merited an impromptu trip to McDonalds for a chocolate sundae to help me cool off. I hopped on a bike just like before and headed to McDonalds. But the sun was too hot and it slowed down the pace of both my body and brain. So I was exhausted by the time I finally got to McDonalds.

Instead of only ordering a sundae, I had fries and a double cheeseburger too. Still, I wasn’t satisfied, despite having free Wifi at my disposal. So I only stayed for 40 minutes and then got onto the bus and headed home. I took a shower and changed into some formal clothes; I have a Skype phone call happening in 20 minutes concerning a potential job at an international school in my neighbourhood. Even though bullshitting my way through a professional conversation is the last thing that I want to do tonight, I’ll just have to suck it up and get through it somehow. And after that, my crappy nap has ensured that I won’t fall asleep till way after midnight. 

I don’t like it when the nights last too long. When I feel happy, this is usually a god-send because there simply aren’t enough hours to read, chat to my friends, play video games or watch TV shows and movies on my laptop. But now, days and nights seem to merge into hours of monotony with only my morbid thoughts for company. 

Even though I’m starting to see that having X and her freeloading family and friends permanently out of my life is a good thing, I have still a long way to go. I’m living on just a few hundred bucks and my next pay check won’t come for two more weeks. I’m not sure how I’m going to live, only that I have to live somehow. Still, there are worse places to be broke than in China; at least food and public transportation are cheap here. 

I’m trapped in thoughts of my last moments with X, with this most recent vacation that we took together. My heart twists when I think of all the times that X pulled away from my embrace when we lay together in bed or the day she refused to sit on the same seat as me when we rode a Ferris Wheel on the pier. She claimed she was worried about the two of us being too heavy for the seat, so I was relegated to the seat across from her and instructed to take narcissistic photos of her on my phone. 

Thinking of those moments between us helps me to miss her less because I finally see just how selfish and conceited she really was. Maybe if I can keep thinking about X in those terms, I’ll finally realise that she isn’t worth my tears or my hurt feelings. Maybe she never was worth any of this. I don’t want to regret everything that we shared, but I won’t pretend anymore that we were always happy and in love. That’s the problem with pictures, both literal and metaphorical; there are plenty of me and X where we’re smiling and holding each other in abject bliss. But it’s the moments that happened before and after those pictures that count the most. Like the moment when X lets go of my hand and pulls out her phone and speaks to family and friends, ignoring me for hours on end. Or the moment that she pulls away from my grasp on her shoulder and demands that I buy her an expensive gift simply because she wants it and I have the means to give it to her. 

I’m drinking some rose tea now to soothe my throat before my Skype call. Maybe I’m getting sick now because of all the stress I’ve put my body and brain under in recent weeks, from travelling abroad to fielding every one of X’s melodramatic whims. I hope I won’t have to go to the doctor. Thankfully, I have health insurance with my current job, so it won’t be an issue to pay for any medication I might need. Still, I don’t want to get sick and slow down. I want to keep moving forward, no matter how painful things are these days. 

Maybe if I fake being alright for long enough, I might actually start to feel better about things for real. Then again, I’ve always been a shitty actress when it comes to hiding my feelings for better or worse. 

Is it too late to become asexual?