#it might be an ace thing tho because every single post makes me cringe

[gregorygerwitz]

am I the only one who thinks Buck and Tommy didn't immediately go off and have sex after the episode?

I don't even think they went home together

they kissed again before they went their separate ways, of course, but I don't think Buck would go off and get laid right after coming out to his entire family

in my head, Tommy said his congratulations, had cake, kissed Buck goodbye (privately, to not take attention away from the happy couple) and got an Uber back to harbor (because he's not going to pull Buck away from celebrating with his sister just because Tommy had a long shift and he wants to get his car and go home and shower and sleep)

idk. I'm seeing a lot of posts about them going off and fucking immediately (and I'm reading the fics, I'm having a great time, it's not about the fic and all that), and I'm wondering if my thoughts are logical at all or if I'm just ace and my brain doesn't automatically jump to sex as the defining moment in making a relationship more official or whatever

[pruzan]

hello liv !! i hope you’re doing wonderfully and, if not, i hope things get much better for you going forward 💗

i’m in need of some advice, if you’re comfortable sharing !! i saw your recent post abt how you’re greyaro, and i was wondering how you came to that conclusion? i’ve always thought i was aro/ace (like ... since i was 11, and i’m almost 18 now), but was always brushed off because i was too young, i simply haven’t met the right person, etc., all valid criticisms of course, so i waited ... and i know i’m still very young and haven’t even seen a fraction of what life has to offer, but it seems like nothing has changed. i’ve never had a crush (at least, on a real person ... fictional characters are another story lol), and in fact, i’m very in love with romance as a CONCEPT, when it’s a story/poem/movie/etc., but the idea of actually practicing it is ... gross, ngl. even the idea of KISSING someone (let alone all the other stuff) grosses me out, i cringe whenever i see a couple kiss, whether that’s fictional or irl, simply because it doesn’t appeal to me.

i’ve had many guy friends have feelings for me and all it does is make me uncomfortable, because ... i want to just have friends, i’m not interested in anyone, platonic relationships in practice mean a lot more to me than romantic relationships. but then again, i also do crave falling in love and finding my soulmate, tho i don’t know if that’s because i WANT to or because that’s what’s expected of me, if that makes sense?

i don’t know if i worded myself correctly, and you’re completely free to not respond, of course !! if anything, i’m just grateful to get all this off my chest, lol, you’re quite a safe space for people to just ... speak and know they’re not going to be met with judgment, you’re amazing that way 💗

!!! hello my sweet anon !!!!! 💗  i’m doing alright today!!! thank you for checking in!!!!!

and thank you for trusting me enough to share your thoughts and ask for some advice!!! i don’t mind sharing at all!!! especially if there’s a chance it might help somehow!!! i’m putting it under a ‘read more’ because it ended up getting a little long (sorry about that)!!! 💗

honestly!!! i felt really similarly to how you’re feeling now!!!  i never really dated in middle and high school.  a part of me wanted to! i had crushes on people, and i loved the idea of being in a romantic relationship, but i got asked out several times and i got anxious about it every single time. there was once or twice when i was younger when i said yes to being somebody’s girlfriend, but i just ended up panicking about it for several days until i broke it off. 

i didn’t really think about it a whole lot! each time i said yes to someone asking me out, i hadn’t had a crush on them for very long before that, and i thought maybe i was just moving into things too fast and that’s why i was uncomfortable. or they just weren’t right for me. also! i have an anxiety disorder! and i was sure that played into things too. dating was new to me, and new things make me nervous. i figured i’d get older and come into my own and things would settle down.

but it kept happening!  every time i got asked out, it would fill me with an overwhelming sense of dread. it would reduce me to tears. i hated it. and it didn’t matter who asked! there were times where i was sure i had a crush on someone, but then they made a move on me, and it was like a switch flipped. the attraction was gone, just like that. i didn’t understand it. i thought maybe that’s just what relationships were like. that they all started out uncomfortable, and if i pushed through it, i’d come out on the other side and i’d actually enjoy them. but i really didn’t want to do that!

i ended up browsing the arospec tags more and more. i came across the term ‘lithromantic’ and kept that in the back of my mind for a long time.  i’ve always developed crushes on people! but when it came to the people around me that i crushed on, it never felt good when it was acted on. and when it came to unattainable people that i crushed on, like celebrities and fictional characters, i started to think that i liked them because they were unattainable, which meant they were safe.

and honestly, i might have stuck with ‘lithromantic’ as a label, but i started leaning towards grey aro / grey ace because i ended up having two positive experiences with romance and affection! they’re a little long so i won’t include them and make this response any longer than it already is but! if you’re curious to hear about them just lemme know! all that really matters is! they helped me realize that you’re supposed to enjoy romantic relationships. when it’s right, it will feel right. and yeah, it might make you nervous! but it’ll be a different kind of nervous. when i had these positive experiences, i wasn’t filled with dread like i had been previously. i was happy! i was excited! i realized that all my previous experiences weren’t just me being anxious, or me being too picky, or me trying to self sabotage my romantic relationships by making a big deal out of things that weren’t a big deal, they really were not right for me. my positive experiences helped me realize that i am capable of romantic attraction, but it’s few and far between. it’s the exception, not the rule.

so. everything you’re saying makes PERFECT sense.  i get it. i get it!!! 

it can be a process to figure out, but i wanna share a few things that have helped me on my journey. and hopefully they will help you too !!!

1. i said this before, but i wanna reiterate it !!! romantic relationships are supposed to be enjoyable for you. they’re supposed to bring something to your life. they’re supposed to be fun! you’re supposed to like the person that you’re with, and look forward to being with them! and obviously relationships will have rough patches, things won’t be perfect all the time, but at the very core of it, you should feel good. if you don’t, then there is no reason to be in one. i used to think that i was missing out because i wasn’t dating when everyone else was, but you’re not missing out if you don’t want it in the first place!

2. you can adore romance and still be arospec !!! it really is a spectrum, and there are so many places to fall on it. like! i love romance SO MUCH. i talk about it. i write about it. i read about it. i watch movies and tv shows about it. i crave it for myself !!! and i’m still arospec!!! some arospec people love it, some hate it, some want it, some are repulsed by it !!! some are all of the above, just depends on the day! and there is no wrong way to be. if you like it, if you want it too, that’s okay. if you’re not sure if you want it, that’s okay too! it’s okay to explore that !!! regardless of what answer you come to, it doesn’t mean that you can’t be arospec. 

3. i think if i waited until i was 100% sure that i was arospec before identifying as grey aro, i wouldn’t ever. there was a very long period of time where i held off on using the label because i thought maybe in a year, two years, three years, i’d date more and i’d have good experiences and i’d realize that i was wrong. but there will always be the possibility that i’ll date more and i’ll decide that i’m not arospec. and that’s okay. i’ve been using the label for about 6 months now and it feels right to me. it feels like it makes sense. but ultimately! it’s okay if one day i feel like it doesn’t! it’s okay if i do change my mind one day! it’s okay if i decide that i was wrong! it’s okay if i decide that maybe i was arospec for a while but i’m not anymore! our identities are fluid. we grow and we adapt and we change, and there is nothing wrong with that. it does not invalidate who we are or who we think we are or who we were or who we thought we were. 

this has been a very long way of me saying !!!  my journey was long, and it is ongoing! and it is okay if you are in the same boat! it is okay if you’re not sure, it is okay if you are never sure! the most important thing is trusting yourself and doing what you feel is right. sometimes that looks like talking things out. sometimes that looks like trying labels on. sometimes that looks like not dating. there is no wrong answer here !!! 

i’m sorry again that this got so long, my friend !!!  but i wish you luck as you explore who you are and what you want, and i hope that you know i will always be here to offer advice or support whenever you need it!!! 💗