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wackybuddiemewbs · 2 years

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Random ramblings about 06x07

After my memefication of the events is now mostly dealt with (thank goodness, but I needed to get those out of the system first), I'm still very much confused and intrigued by the setup done in “Cursed”.

Sure enough, this episode was supposed to be a lighter one. We had a lot of good fun in that, but the episode provides great setup for the drama that's sure about to unfold further along the season.

So here I'm gathering some more or less coherent thoughts on the matter. Though I seriously don't know where all of this is headed. But here's to hoping anyway.

Connor and Kameron, desperation, grifters, and all of the awkward

I know others as well as me have joked about this, but those two are exceptionally weird when it comes to the sperm donation. Now, it's possible there was nothing grander to it, and the writers just wanted things to be extra awkward for laughs, by having them wind up at the station to have the firefam in the know (also… Shannon/Eddie parallels much, huh?).

Like, it's effective. All people who may have something to say about the matter find out at once, and we don't “need” separate conversations to have that unfold (aka saving screen time). It's economic in that way. So it's well possible that it was not supposed to be off-putting or whatever else. Just really awkward and quick to have everyone up to speed.

But. Holy crap. That was just soooooo weird.

As others have noted, they continue to be pushy, acting all the while like they aren't being pushy. Again, I don't know if the show's gonna make anything of that, other than to highlight their desperation to have a child? Like, wanting to highlight that they don't want to go through the process again, now that they found someone who said he'd volunteer to donate. But. If the show wants to go down another route, well… perfect setup for that, too, I guess.

I don't believe Connor and Kameron will turn out to be evil sperm thieves (hehe). They just really want to have that baby. But they are extremely pushy in their pursuit, and it might be that the show highlights how Buck is especially vulnerable to that. So Connor and Kameron may (unconsciously) feed into that or may even take advantage of it, to a certain degree. And the show might actually decide to show how harmful that can be, even if they do not intend it. As Athena pointed out:

“The best grifters know how to play on people's desperation. The more desperate a person is, the easier it becomes to fool them.”

Now, again, I don't believe in evil sperm thieves here, just like I don't believe in bad intent on Connor's and Kameron's behalf (yet). But I can see this as a kind of foreshadowing/allusion to what's going on with Buck. And yes, here I go again, outing myself as a Buck Breakdown Truther until proven otherwise. I could see two scenarios in particular to get the job done right (or wrong), based on Athena's words that may come back to haunt Buck this season:

Connor and Kameron may (unconsciously) pressure Buck all the while yelling “no pressure though”, thereby actually creating more pressure for him than is necessary. It was the second time we've seen them do it with Buck, and Buck reacting the same way each time. Which is not to say I don't get the desperation they must feel. But it's very much in-tune for Buck to try to please them as a result and jump ahead, to be of service to them, to help them. So instead of giving him the freedom of choice and space for proper reflection, they are (unconsciously) backing him into a corner. Or perhaps more to the point: They are feeding right into so many of Buck's issues, likely without knowing it. And that may impact him very negatively moving forward. Thus far, every interaction we've seen between them was inherently about them. Even if they genuinely seemed to try to give Buck the free choice, they always circle back to their desperation to have the child. Again, I don't believe they do it consciously, necessarily. If you want something that much, it's the only thing you can think about. But turned around to Buck, that means that every meaningful interaction he's had thus far with the people he's making a great sacrifice for… it was never about him, it is never about him. It is only about his function to them as a donor. That is why Connor originally reached out to him, and as Hen pointed out, they will in all likability expect him to not have any place in their future (and more importantly in that of the child). In that way, they play on Buck's desperation to help them, out of their desperation to have a child. And I can very well see that this might be a route the writers might take all the same.

Buck is his very own grifter in this scenario. Buck is desperate for happiness, to finally get to the point where he is “at peace”. And he wants to believe that helping those two have a baby and build the future they always wanted will do the trick for him. To do something selfless, like Lev did, and then finally have that epiphany about what it is that makes him truly happy. For that, he is taking all of that pressure, and ignores all of those red flags and warning signs the whole damn universe seems to throw his way. Buck is fooling himself into believing that this is truly what he wants (at least at this point, though it might turn out later that he really is at peace with that, but he certainly isn't right now, he's just stubbornly refusing to reflect it on it any further, so not to be swayed). He is genuine in his wish to help them (have the baby). He knows that much, because he knows that they want that child (quick side note: I guess there might also be some level of Daniel trauma in there. Because here he has people who want a baby for the sake of the baby, unlike his parents, who wanted to have a baby for the purpose of saving their other child. And oh my, see who's coming back this season…).

In either scenario, Buck is likely to be left the fool, not necessarily because he's getting grifted, but because either they or he himself are actively helping him self-deprecate. Or at the least, that's a route the show might be taking on this one. And I'm dying to find out.

Buck's troubled relationship with his body

To send this ahead: There's soooooo much more to say about Buck's self-image and his relationship with his body, but for now, I'll just focus on it in relation to this season's arc.

While we mostly started out lightly regarding the matter, I found it almost jarring how much Buck's relationship with his own body came back into full swing ever since Connor and Kameron asked him to donate. All the while watching him reflecting on it drunkenly with Hen, then again with the puréed greens to deliver the best swimmers in the world… I can see this heading to a much darker place, moving forward.

Others have already pointed to the close connection to Buck's speech after the Daniel reveal, about defective parts and all. Which was another blow (alongside the reveal itself and its ramifications). Because Buck is very self-conscious when it comes to his body. So realizing that his body wasn't good enough, was “defective”, is a whole different story for someone like him.

Since early childhood, his body was a means to an end. To get attention from his parents, by getting hurt. Later on, numerous flings to satisfy the need and to please others, to be good for others, to feel his own body, to have all involved feel happy and content. To be good enough. Again, a means to an end (chasing meaningful connections by providing gratifying sex, by pleasing his partners and being praised for it). He prides himself on his physicality, noting to Bobby back in season 1 how he never had trouble with the physical aspects of training to become a Navy SEAL, but what that would have demanded of him psychologically and emotionally. To name but few examples.

Along those lines, he's been on the optimizing route, well before he started on the green menace for over a month. Buck talking to the guy with the tapeworm back in season 1, conversing about how to optimize body fat ratios or whatever else. Buck wanting to be the “bestestest boi and patient” by adapting his diet, back when he had the blood clots and wanted to prove that he (his body) was capable, functional, of use, for the one thing he found meaningful in his life. AKA being a firefighter. Now again with the green smoothies and his abstinence, to be the best donor ever. To please, to be good enough, or rather, better than good enough.

Interestingly, all of those measures hardly seem to be about himself and doing things to feel good about himself, as himself, but more about optimizing his body for the sake of others. Being muscular and good-looking for hookups – it's about being appealing to them. Adapting his diet and making a show of it – it was to convince Bobby, among others, of his health and thus use as a firefighter. Drinking green smoothies and being abstinent for extended periods of time – it is for Connor and Kameron, to give them “best chances of success”. Not once did I get the vibe of Buck doing this to feel good about himself, to feel comfortable in his own skin, literally. Instead, he is making himself miserable, longing for more. Or, as Hen so eloquently pointed out:

“Buck, your idea of healthy is a side salad. When did puréed greens become a whole main meal?”

Yet again, interestingly, he often winded up failing with his self-optimization when it came to his body. All the healthy diet didn't get him his job back. The hookups may have gotten him appreciation for his performance, but the partners didn't stick around. Even Abby didn't stick around, even though he tried to support her not just physically throughout. And with the green smoothies and the abstinence… again, as others have noted, him trying so hard to be the best donor may have made the donation worse. He's trying sooooo hard that it backfires on him (i.e. having stayed abstinent for so long may have made the “swimmer count” reduce rather than increase, as far as I understood).

Now, if that's the narrative route they want to focus on, it could go three ways in my head (yeah, yeah, always thinking threeways, yo):

The donation isn't deemed “good enough” and they will ask him to donate again, and just stay clear from wanking for a week, not four (jizz I mean jeez). Which may either serve as a catalyst for Buck to really consider this, rather than jumping ahead in his pursuit to use his body for other peoples' benefit. Or it may feed right into his fears of his body not sufficing (or maybe a combination of both). This may force Buck to continue to put himself physically and emotionally through all that again, not for his sake, but that of others, making it less and less about his choice and more and more about needing his body to function, no matter what.

Buck turns out to share in Connor's issue, namely not enough swimmers. That'd fit just about half of Buck's insecurities. In that his body would not suffice to help. That his body is not good enough to do something he wanted (or thought he wanted) so desperately that he damn well ran to the clinic to jerk off into a plastic cup. To top all that, it'd mean that all the things he thought were “still in store” for him (as he alluded to when talking to Lev) are suddenly out the window. Namely, starting a family of his own, fathering children that are inherently his, finding true peace. So any “hope” Buck would have had to finally get to where Connor and Kameron are right now, already knowing what they want and with whom they want to have it with, is suddenly gone. And it'd be his own body that's always supposed to function that'd keep him from it. His own body would betray him in that way. Defective parts.

Buck turns out ineligible (e.g. due to the cancer in his family history or because of some other health issues Buck may not have been aware of). Either because the clinic advises against it, or Connor and Kameron back off when they get word of it. They may reconsider on “only” choosing someone who's supposedly very healthy in contrast to someone who's very good of character, as Connor insisted to Buck, if Buck has some health issue that he might pass down to the child. That would throw him for a complete loop, too. Because health is not supposed to be an issue for him. He is capable, after all, right? Right? He's good enough for that, right? Right?

Either scenario circles back to Buck's troubled relationship with his own body, in that his body is a means to an end for him. If he can't serve the means, then what is his body good for? If it can't create future, if it can't help, if it's not enough, how is he good enough (for his own happiness)? That would deliver great material for a potential breakdown for him.

And resolution can only come (pun not intended) if Buck manages to reconcile with his own body being as it is, accepting it as it is, and no longer regarding it as integral to his self-worth. That being at peace with what he has and is doesn't just relate to a couch or lack thereof, but to him being at peace with what he is, what his body is, instead of chasing unachievable standards and chasing praise and appreciation by means of his own body.

If that's the route they are taking, I do believe Eddie's role in that realization process will be of great importance. Eddie has proven to be one of the few people who get through to Buck when he's really far lost in his head. He already brought the point home about him not being expandable (and in that sense putting his body at risk for the sake of others unnecessarily). So the twist might be along the lines of: Buck realizing his body isn't any more expendable than anyone else's because Buck's body contains something invaluable, namely the person he is. His body is there to protect that invaluable core, not the other way around. And Eddie as his best friend (and love of his life and original baby trapper before Connor and Kameron got the idea, yo), as the person to address Buck like that back in season 4… it might bring this full circle for Buck at long last.

And yeah, that makes Buddie confirmation a very likely scenario in my head, as the conclusion of that arc. It'd just fit so damn neatly, if you think about it. Because Buck's first encounter with Eddie was so very physical (or rather, Buck made it about that, because that's what it's been for him for almost all of his life). And for that man (Eddie) to turn out to truly appreciate and love Buck for who he is, no matter what his body is like or what “functions” it may serve… that'd just be *chef's kiss*. The perfect reversal of all those other relationships Buck's had, where people got to appreciate his physicality before they could appreciate the person living inside it. Only for Eddie to step into his life (and staying there) to see past that, and immediately see the good and valuable person that's underneath it all. And to love him for it. Like, that would be build-up straight for the heavens.

This is fine… until it isn't

Yet another way this could go is that they don't go there at all, that the donation is indeed good enough. All swimmers are where they belong, and they are healthy and plenty. But it may still bite Buck on the perky butt. Either because it sinks in for him at long last what it means to be “donor, not dad”, and how he is actually not ready for that. Or because Connor and Kameron bail out. Again, two scenarios come to my mind:

The donation is done, the procedure works, Kameron becomes pregnant. The two thank Buck and bid him farewell. And Buck's left metaphorically standing in the rain, when they make clear what Hen warned him about: That they won't be seeing much of each other again in the future, that they won't stay in touch. Maybe a Christmas card at best. And that's what may crack Buck open like an egg at long last. Because before, it was all just hypothetical. But now it's fact. The proof is there that this is a part of him he'll never see grow, a part of him he'll never know. And he may try his best to be fine with it, just that he isn't.

The donation is done, but it's not needed anymore. Kameron winds up pregnant despite Connor's little team of swimmers. Now that the “pressure” was off of them and on Buck, maybe the swimmers finally had some fun. They are happy as they can be, having a child of their own at long last. And Buck is sure to be happy for them. Maybe he even thinks “dodged a bullet there, upon reflection”. But then it dawns on him. Here we go again. He was not chosen. Despite being the best donor, despite doing everything right, Connor and Kameron didn't really need him in the end. And that might be just as devastating as a scenario wherein he can't donate, or a donation won't do the trick.

Again, both scenarios could very well lead to a serious breakdown in the aftermath. Even though Buck may very well try to keep himself together, to appear to be fine (as Maddie noted once), even though he isn't.

Because Buck seemingly tries to find happiness through other peoples' happiness (and their knowledge of what constitutes it for them). But we might see Connor and Kameron get their happiness without his help, leaving him none the wiser about what makes him truly happy, or even worse, leaving him unhappier than before.

Yet again, with Buddie goggles on (they are fancy, what can I say?), I think Eddie would be the one person to get through to him in that mess. Buck trying to seem fine, continuing to try to brush it off, even though he's coming apart by the seams. It'd be very much in-tune with how we got several instances by now that had Eddie (as well as the others) notice that Buck's acting off. Be it spacing out or drinking green smoothies (even though Eddie was definitely not just checking the smoothie in that shot, yo).

They are a (family) unit. Everyone is aware of that, which is why Eddie as well as the others assume he should know what's going on, though he doesn't. If Buck continues to hide things (like the donation), I do believe we might get Eddie forcing his way in at long last. Before, he likely respected Buck's decision (also something something about Eddie respecting Buck's (bodily) autonomy and his decisions in ways his parents never ever did or even could). But if it's no longer about that, Eddie may very well occupy that space again and force his way in, like Buck did when he broke down the door to get to him when he hit rock-bottom.

Buck, the backup plan

One of the many elephants in the room is the discussion of the will. Eddie hasn't brought it back up yet, neither has Buck, but this whole sperm donation arc would be perfect for it to come back full swing. Because here we have Buck as the literal backup plan for Kameron and Connor, who tried to get pregnant but couldn't, so now they are looking at Buck to fill the spot (by filling a cup).

While Eddie was able to drive the point home about Buck being inherently valuable aka not expendable, I do believe we might get some more introspection of Buck. Namely, that his takeaway of the legal guardianship is not just Eddie's trust in him to watch out for what's most important in his life (his son), in the event that something should happen to him. But that it is also: I'm the backup. I'm not the first choice. I'm the choice in case things go wrong.

And if that's what Buck comes out of regarding the sperm donation, that will force Eddie to have that conversation. And it may very well lead to him being forced into some more reflection of his own. Because the other elephant in the room is what it means to him that he named Buck Christopher's legal guardian. What does it mean to him emotionally to rely on someone who blindly with his most important thing, his future? Why is that he can so blindly rely on Buck, when he won't believe in curses, jinxes, or fate? Yes, he got “proof” for Buck's love and care for Christopher. That's what solidified the choice for him, and wherein he continues to be proven right. But. What does it say about you, Eddie? What does it say about you feel for Buck, by entrusting him with that which you love the most in the world? Hm?

To finally end this madness

I think I confused myself and y'all enough with this rambling, so I will now conclude this post with reaffirming my belief in:

Buck Breakdown Era is coming (pun definitely intended).

Eddie will be a key figure in helping Buck navigate that.

This may very well solidify Buddie in the near future.

We have great opportunity to bring the will back into play at long last.

And I have no clue what will become of Buck's lil' swimmers.

And I guess, that's good. For now anyway. Though I guess I might ramble some more. It's what I do, what can I say? Anywho.

Cheers!

#buddie #911 spoilers #911 season 6 #911 season 6 spoilers #evan buckley #eddie diaz #ramblings #that are random

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anarchistettin · 8 months

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interesting massive disconnect between "mainstream" media and the actual opinion of the vast majority of people on earth.

I can't recall a time when it's been clearer - I can't recall an issue TV (as it were) didn't bend pretty much instantly to public opinion in some way

the ship is running aground. it's no good development, no good omen! to say "it took blatant genocide to wake people up!" would be naive and aimlessly optimistic at best. it's just bringing antisemitism to the surface in a lot of people - evangelicals unused to having a great excuse to hate Jewish people, which feels more natural to them than singing hosannas to living Israelis. Most arguments are still talking about a "conflict" - as if there's a moral imperative to really explore whether or not you, personally, deserve to be violently murdered by a nation? that's preventing you from escaping your own violent murder?. Many are repeating arguments coined in the 20th century that make zero sense today, but seem unaware of it. Those that have known for a long time what the state of things is vis à vis nations versus subjugates aren't gaining any new insights! They're sounding alarms containing all the same words that antifascists have been using for a century.

There's very little waking up going on!

What's happening is global panic. Loss of coherence + increasingly random action.

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bangtanreadingcorner · 3 years

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tall, blonde and gorgeous • jeon jeongguk

plot — when jeongguk dyes his hair blonde, it might just be the push you both need to finally talk about the feelings you have for each other.

words — 5.7K

You woke up in the middle of the night, craving some apple juice. You knew there was in the kitchen fridge, because Taehyung always made sure to stock up whenever you come for a weekend visit.

Speaking of your brother, he was passed out next to you, the two of you sharing his King sized bed while you visited. Like you always did. It was mostly just you two, but sometimes Jimin would join you. You don't mind, you known both of them since forever and Jimin is your brother as much as Taehyung is.

Quietly, you got out of bed. You didn't want to wake your brother, he works so hard and needs his rest.

The dorm was silent, which was a little weird because there was usually always someone up. It was only when on tour that all seven of the boys would sometimes be asleep at once, but even that was rare.

Shrugging it off, you padded the rest of the way to the kitchen, only to come to a halt in the doorway, freezing.

Someone with a mop of blond hair stood with his back to you, digging through the fridge.

The digging through the fridge wasn't what surprised you, no, it was the hair because as far as you knew, no one in Bangtan had blonde hair right now.

You knew because your brother was always spamming your phone, whenever he had time, with pictures, videos, voice notes and messages. You and Taehyung have always been close and he always made the effort to keep you up-to-date with his life but also made a point to keep you out of the spotlight, which you appreciate more than you tell him. Come to think of it, more than half your gallery is made up of pictures of Bangtan. The other half is made up of your rare selfies, pictures with your friends, of your dog or your brother's dog.

The point is, if someone colored their hair, you would know within five minutes - with pictures and everything. And Taehyung hasn't spammed your phone since yesterday morning when he and Jimin accidentally got Hobi instead of Jeongguk with a water balloon.

So, the question is, who is the blonde currently rummaging through the fridge?

You looked him up and down, noticing the very nice, very broad and clearly strong shoulders covered with a black t-shirt that hid the rest of the guy's figure. Your gaze went down a nice ass and long legs that was wearing grey sweatpants and finally stopping at bare feet.

Something flashed in your mind.

Wait a minute.

You know that ass. You've looked at it enough over the last seven years to recognize it anywhere in a crowd.

"Jeongguk?" You called, a little satisfied when he jumped upright, turning to you with wide eyes. Your heart decided to double its pace.

"Ah, tiny, you're awake. I thought you were sleeping, trying to grow some more." He teased, his heartbeat slowly calming down from the freight you gave him. His eyes quickly scanned you over, and he had to suppress a smile when he saw the bright orange pajamas. It was ugly as hell - he made sure to tell you many times but you always just roll your eyes at him or if you were feeling particularly moody, you'd flip him a finger.

Now, ordinarily, you'd snap at him for calling you tiny because you aren't (it doesn't matter that Jimin is 12 centimeters taller than you, it doesn't make you tiny, short maybe, but not tiny) but right now, you could only focus on one thing.

"Y-your hair." You stuttered, which was new because you never stutter in Jeongguk's presence. Your heart may race, your legs may turn into jelly, your hands may tremble and your stomach may fill with butterflies but you never stutter. And you never let him know what you're feeling.

He ran a hand through his freshly dyed blonde hair, only a little self-conscious with the intense stare you were giving him. He couldn't tell if it was positive or negative. "Yeah, I just wanted a change, something different."

"Well, it's definitely different. Mission accomplished." You informed him, walking into the kitchen fully, your voice miraculously even as you were internally panicking. This was like that time he dyed his hair pink all over again. Oh god. You hoped you could form coherent sentences this time around instead of just giving him the silent treatment for two weeks.

Like you said, you don't stutter around Jeongguk. Ever.

Jeongguk tilted his head at you curiously. "Bad different?"

"No!" You exclaimed, not wanting him to think that. You shook your head vigorously. "Not all. It looks good actually. Really good." So good, in fact, that your fingers itched to touch, to run your hands through it, play with the dyed locks of hair.

Jeongguk looked at you in pleasant surprise, lips stretching into that familiar bunny smile that made you swoon. He bit his bottom lip before saying. "I think that's the first time you ever paid me a compliment."

You frowned, "That can't be true."

"It is." Jeongguk's tone was matter-of-fact. "In seven years, you've never once given me a compliment. I would have remembered."

You pursed your lips, a sudden surge of guilt rushing through your chest at the look on his face - hurt.

"Well, you get lots of compliments from other people, right?" You said, trying to deflect because you never once thought that by staying quiet around Jeongguk, just to hide your feelings, that you'd hurt him.

"But never from you." Jeongguk said, words low and heavy with something you didn't understand. He stared at you, eyes open and strangely vulnerable. You didn't understand what he was trying to tell you.

You frowned at him again, "What does it matter?"

Something in Jeongguk's eyes shuttered at that, like he let you see something but now he pulled his walls back up. You still didn't understand it and he wasn't volunteering an answer.

Finally, he shrugged, "It doesn't, I guess." and he turned back to the refrigerator.

You had a feeling he was lying but you weren't going to call him out because that wasn't your place and it wasn't the kind of thing you and Jeongguk did. Whenever things seemed to go in a direction where feelings were involved - and not about other people but about each other, like what you think of Jeongguk and what he thinks of you - one of you stops the conversation before it can go deeper.

You tease each other good-naturedly, comfortable with each other because you are the same age, and you've listened to him rant when he was frustrated and even held his hand at times when he cried because the pressure of it all got a little to much.

It struck you, suddenly, how Jeongguk always comes to you first. Whether he's stupidly happy about something, or whether he's sad and wants a shoulder to cry on. You two could talk about anything under the sun or moon but whenever it comes to your feelings for each other, you shut down. You've never even admitted that you are, at the very least, friends and that you do care about each other.

You wondered if maybe it was time to change that.

You looked at Jeongguk's back and wanted to ask if thinks of you as a friend, if nothing else but what came out was, "Can you hand me a juice box please?"

He did so, without a word, and you decided to go back to bed. You stopped in the doorway again, turning back to him. "Jeongguk?"

"Yeah?" His tone, his eyes, was strangely hopeful and it made your heart twist. You looked at him, and somehow fell a little bit more in love with him.

"You know that I care about you, right? I mean, I know we've never talked about it, but I do." Your hands was shaking and you gripped the juice box. Luckily you didn't press the straw in yet or your hands would be full of apple juice right now.

The smile Jeongguk gave you was brilliant and it made your heart feel lighter than ever. He nodded his head, "I know."

"Good."

"I-" He started, breath catching a bit but forced himself to go on because if you could be brave, then so could he. "I care about you, too."

You grinned at him before turning away and going back to Taehyung's room, a definite skip in your step.

* * *

"So, what do you think?" Taehyung asked eagerly the next morning after breakfast, when everyone cooed and screeched over Jeongguk's hair.

You were back in your brother's room, scrolling through your Twitter feed. You looked at him, not sure what he was talking about. When it comes to Taehyung it can anything from the lines for a song he's working on to his next prank on one of the members.

"Of what?" You asked.

"About Jeonggukie." He said, waving with a hand at his head, so that the meaning was clear.

"Ah, you mean his transformation from tall, dark and handsome to tall, blonde and gorgeous?"

"Yes! What do you think?" Your brother looked at you expectantly.

"I think my previous question is an answer to that question." You smirked at him, snickering when he just scoffed before pouting at you.

"I hate it when you go all smartass on me." He said, crossing his arms over his chest.

"I love you, too." You sing-songed with a lighthearted giggled.

* * *

Later that afternoon, you decided to watch a movie and was joined by Jeongguk, Taehyung, Hoseok and Jimin.

"Jeongguk-ah." You called from where you were sitting on the two seater couch next to Hoseok. Jimin and Taehyung was laying cuddled on the three seater and Jeongguk was sitting on the floor, against the front of the coffee table. You weren't sure where the rest are right now.

He turned to you, eyes narrowed suspiciously, "What do you want?"

You gaped at him, "What makes you think I want something?"

"Because you only call me 'Jeongguk-ah' when you want something." He was matter-of-fact.

The other three was watching the two of you instead of the movie.

"Like what? I rarely ask you anything." You frowned at him.

"Like getting your phone from Taehyung-hyung's room, making you tea, bringing you a blanket, getting your food." Jeongguk said and you huffed. Okay, so maybe you do that but this time what you want would benefit him too.

"Okay, first of all, you didn't have to do any of what I asked, you know. And second, you'll like this too." You assured him, then added after a moment. "I think."

Jeongguk looked at you warily as Jimin and Taehyung exchanged smirks. "What do you want?"

"I want to play with your hair." You shrugged nonchalantly, not showing a hint of how nervous you are, no showing how it took you the whole morning to pluck enough courage together to ask.

Jeongguk's mouth fell open in surprise, "Seriously?"

"Yeah, I mean I've always liked your hair but this blonde hair is really doing for you." You smiled at him, a little more confident when you saw more confusion than anything else on his face. Satisfaction rolled through you when you noticed his red ears.

"Whatever, fine." He muttered in agreement, looking away from you as he stood up right and came to sit down infront of you.

"Thank you." You grinned, clapping your hands in glee as you crossed your legs on the couch, knees touching Jeongguk's shoulders.

"Just don't tangle it." Jeongguk said, eyes fixed on the TV screen.

"I won't." You promised before reaching out and running your hands through his hair. It was just as soft as you hoped, instead of being dry and rough from the dye - it made you feel giddy.

Jeongguk tensed under the touch for a second but relaxed when you continued your gentle ministrations, nails scraping softly against his scalp. You tuned out the rest of the room, having watched the movie before - you've watched all the Marvel movies with Jeongguk at least three times - and continued playing with the blonde tresses.

Still, something caught your attention and you said, "Jimin-oppa, put away that phone."

"I don't know what you're talking about." He said innocently, hiding his phone behind his back.

"Sure you don't."

It was silent for fifteen seconds before he whined, "But no one will believe me if I don't have proof."

"They'll believe Hobi-oppa." You retorted, nodding to the ray of sunshine sitting besides you.

Jimin huffed indignantly but dutifully put his phone away.

You continued playing with Jeongguk's hair, twirled and braided and separated and bunched it together like a pineapple stem atop his hair. The movie finished and Taehyung picked another one and you still played with Jeongguk's hair.

Twenty minutes into the new movie, Jeongguk's head fell back, onto your legs, eyes closed. You gaped at the blonde.

"Jeongguk." You whispered, not wanting to wake him if he is sleeping but not sure if he's playing either.

"Did he fall asleep?" Your brother asked, laughter in his voice, making his eyes sparkle.

"I think so." You nodded, in a state of bewilderment and disbelief.

"You must have magic hands." Hoseok said before pressing a hand over his mouth to muffle the sounds of his laughter.

Your glared at them. "Not one more word out of the three of you, or I'll change the sugar in your coffee for salt for the indefinite future."

"I didn't say anything." Jimin protested and you just gave him a pointed look.

They thankfully kept quiet after that, but you could see them glancing at you and Jeongguk every now and again. You ignored their gazes as you continued playing with his hair.

Your heart was thumping happily in your chest, glad that Jeongguk enjoy you playing with his hair so much that it lulled him to sleep. It made you feel so content that you didn't want to move again.

You even turned a blind eye when you saw Jimin turning his phone in your direction ten minutes later.

At the end of the movie, you decided to wake Jeongguk up. As much as you like him sleeping on your legs, they were starting to fall asleep and he would get a stiff neck if he keeps sleeping like that.

So, you shooed everyone out of the room before gently shaking his shoulder. "Jeongguk-ah, wake up."

He groaned and you repeated your actions, watching as his eyes fluttered open. You looked into his sleepy eyes, wanting to coo as you watched him blink his way out of sleep. He quickly recognised you, even upside down, and immediately sat upright, looking at you with wide eyes.

"Y/N?" His voice was husky with sleep and it made your cheeks heat up. "What happened?"

"You feel asleep." You explained. You watched as he nodded slowly, processing this and felt the urge to tease him a little, so you added, "On my lap."

Jeongguk's cheeks flushed pink and you couldn't help the fond smile on your lips. He ducked his head shyly and spoke a soft, "Sorry."

"It's okay." You waved him off. You wanted to even the field between you because it felt unbalanced somehow, like you had something over Jeongguk. You didn't like it, you wanted to be right besides him. Not above or below him. (Although many people would say he's way above you, you know that he doesn't care about that and neither do you.) Finally you admitted, "I liked it, it was nice that you felt relaxed enough because of me to fall asleep."

"I liked it, too."

You smiled, a little shy but also feeling bold by his admission. "I'll do it again sometime then."

"Okay." He grinned.

* * *

After that weekend, it took three weeks before you had another free weekend to go and visit your brother. With your bag slung over your shoulder and a bouquet of red tulips in your hand, you opened the door and called a loud hello to anyone inside. You made you way to the kitchen first, wanting to put the flowers in some water.

You found Jeongguk - who was still blonde, and your heart instantly picked up its pace - and Namjoon in the kitchen, the leader busy by the microwave and Jeongguk waiting as far as humanly possible from it. You quickly realised what was happening and supressed a smile. Namjoon must be heating food up for Jeongguk, who is afraid of microwaves.

You exchanged greetings and you quickly started looking through the cupboards for a vase.

"Those are pretty flowers." Namjoon remarked, leaning against the counter.

"I know right."

"Where did you get them?" Jeongguk asked, eyes on the admittedly pretty flowers.

"Oh, some guy gave them to me before asking me out." You answered absentmindedly as you continued your search for a vase.

Behind you, Jeongguk tensed, his hands curling into fists.

"Really?" Namjoon asked, more to see Jeongguk's reaction than anything else.

"Yeah, I almost said yes, too, just for the fact that he gave me flowers." You nodded over your shoulder. "Do you guys have a vase? I swear Jin-oppa had one in the old dorm."

"Under the sink." Namjoon answered, arms crossed over his chest as he looked back and forth between an oblivious-you and a jealous-Jeongguk, a smile on the corners of his lips.

"Thanks." You grinned before walking over to the sink and crouching down. You opened the cupboard and had to dig past the sponges, cloths, windowlene, bleach and dishwashing liquid before spotting the crystal vase. "I love flowers, you know? Not many people know because it's not something I advertise but Taehyung-oppa always gives me flowers for my birthday, every year since I was thirteen." You babbled as you gently pulled out the vase, not wanting to knock it against one of the pipes and crack or shatter it by accident. It was a little dusty, so you rinsed it before filling it halfway with water.

"Do you have a favorite flower?" Namjoon asked, partly to fill the silence because Jeongguk was glaring at the ceiling, tongue in cheek, and partly because he genuinely wants to know.

"Nope," You shook your head, removing the protective plastic around the flowers and putting them in the water. "I like all kinds of flowers. Roses, lillies, forget-me-nots, proteas, tulips, sunflowers - you name it, I love it. And in all colours too. There's just too many to pick a favorite. Although I really like pink lotus flowers. I'd love to grow them when I have my own garden someday. I'll have to install a shallow pond, of course, because they grow in mud but yeah, that's something I'd really like to try." You rambled on. Namjoon watched you fondly and glanced at the maknae, seeing that Jeongguk was still tense.

"Did you say yes?" Jeongguk burst out asking the moment you stopped talking.

"Huh?" You frowned at him, a little lost because you were completely caught up in thoughts of flowers.

"The date." He said, voice taking a sharp edge. "Did you say yes?"

"Oh." Realisation dawned on you and you shook your head. "No, I didn't."

"Then why did you take his flowers? You'll give him the wrong idea." Jeongguk grumbled.

Namjoon thought that right now was the best time to become a missing person and quickly exited the kitchen. He is not playing referee, should this turn into an arguement. No, thank you, he's done it enough between these two.

You rolled your eyes at Jeongguk, "I made myself perfectly clear, Jeongguk. I told him that while I adore the flowers, I don't like him."

"Still, you shouldn't have taken them." Jeongguk insisted, stepping closer to you.

Your temper flared, "Excuse me? Why not?"

"What if someone had seen? What if they start thinking that you two are dating?" Jeongguk's tone was something crossed between horror and panic.

"And so what if they think that?" You frowned at Jeongguk because what does it matter what other people think when you know the truth?

"So you do want people to think you're dating." Jeongguk said, voice cutting and accusing.

"What?" You stepped closer to Jeongguk, getting angrier by the second.

"Do you actually like this guy?" Jeongguk asked, sounding distressed with the thought but you were to angry to pay any attention to that.

You scoffed, "Don't be ridiculous."

"I'm ridiculous?" He pointed to himself, shocked.

"Yes! They're just fucking flowers!" Your voice was raised as you snapped at him, louder and harsher than it's been in a long time towards Jeongguk, of all people.

You didn't have time to feel guilty because his next words matched yours in volume, "That some other guy bought for you!"

"And your point is what exactly?!" Your voice didn't lower.

"My point is that I can buy you flowers!" Jeongguk shouted back.

The words take a second to sink in, and when it does, it catches you completely off guard and you deflate like a popped balloon, you anger evaporating like mist under the sun. You squint up at the blonde, who you finally noticed was a lot closer than when you started this arguement. "What?"

His voice was soft this time around, all the fight having left him, too. "If you want flowers, just ask me. I'll buy you any flowers you want. Just-" He cut himself off with a sigh, closing his eyes. "Don't take someone else's flowers again. Please."

You looked at him, opening your mouth to snap at him but saw the sincere, the utterly vulnerable look in his eyes, and the breath was knocked from your lungs. You looked away, taking a few steps back as your heart twisted and you inhaled deeply to fill your lungs again. You noticed that Namjoon had left the kitchen. You didn't blame him.

A lengthy silence later, you finally looked at Jeongguk again, your hands trembling. "Is it really that important to you?"

"Yes." Jeongguk answered softly but firmly, no question in his voice, even as he looked down at the tiled floor.

"Okay." You nodded.

His eyes snapped to yours, and he echoed, "Okay?"

"Yeah, okay." You gave him a slow smile, then, just to break the heavy tension around you two, you said, "Just know that there is no backing out now and flowers are expensive. You aren't allowed to complain that I'm denting your bank account later."

"Deal." Jeongguk laughed, warmth spreading through his chest as the last of his jealousy faded.

* * *

"You know that one day you are going to have to talk about the feelings between you and Jeongguk, right?" Taehyung asked his sister later that night when they were laying in bed. He heard the story from Jimin, who heard it from Seokjin and Yoongi, who heard it from Hoseok, who heard it from Namjoon.

"What feelings?" You asked innocently.

Taehyung sighed in frustration but wasn't very surprised. The one thing that Taehyung has never been able to get out of his sister is the truth about her feelings for Jeongguk. But even without her saying anything, he knew. The eyes don't lie. "Denying it won't make it go away, Y/N."

You sighed, too, "Yeah, I know."

Taehyung didn't say anything for a few moments. This was the closest his sister ever gotten to admitting her feelings out loud, in seven years. "I'm here for you. Always."

"Thanks." You smiled, as if you didn't know that already.

* * *

Before you went home that Sunday, your brother told you that they were going on vacation as a group and you're invited because according to Taehyung, right after Jimin, you are the one person he can't live without. You rolled your eyes at the dramatics but agree to go with them none the less.

So, you put in a week's leave for two weeks from now and asked your brother where you would be going for this vacation. The answer was a secluded beach house where no one would be able to reach you.

And no phones was allowed.

You laughed a bit at that rule when you arrived at the house and saw that there is WiFi. Your brother was quick to remind everyone of the rule, telling them that the WiFi was only allowed to be used for YouTube and Netflix. Games was added to the list after an objection from Jeongguk and Seokjin.

"This is gonna go great." You laughed as walked up the stairs to pick a room. You get first choice after winning the rock, paper, scissors game in the car.

"Pick us a nice room, sis!" Taehyung shouted up after you.

There was only four rooms because the whole point of this vacation is to spend time together, which means that everyone was doubling up. They decided to pair up by age and it turned out - Seokjin and Yoongi, Hoseok and Namjoon, Jimin and Jeonguk, and naturally, you and Taehyung were paired up. (You tried not to think about the fact that if you kept to the age pairing that you and Jeongguk would've been sharing a room.) That lead to a lot of pouting from Jimin because he wanted to pair up with his soulmate.

"If your so eager to share a bed with him, why don't you marry him?" You remember teasing Jimin.

"Maybe I will." He shot back without thinking and you weren't sure who was redder once his words set in - Jimin or Taehyung.

You picked a room with a small balcony and a nice view of the ocean. The day passed peacefully, everyone full of energy but after dinner on the beach, everyone quickly retired to bed, the sea air getting to them.

You decided to watch the ocean a little while longer and Jeongguk joined you. Neither of you spoke as you sat on the sand, watching as the waves crashed on the shore, water retreating back into the vast expanse of ocean. It was captivating, in a kind of terrifying way but if there is one thing in your life you've never been scared of, it's water.

"Life is a lot like the ocean." You eventually said, breaking the silence between you.

"How so?"

"You can read about it in so many books, but you still won't know everything about it."

"That's deep." Jeongguk said, voice soft.

You shrugged, feeling a little self-conscious. "Yeah, well, I've never been a shallow person."

"I know." You saw him nodding out of the corner of your eyes. "You're a beautiful person. Inside and out." He said it so matter-of-factly, so sincerely, that your stomach flipped and your cheeks flushed.

"Thanks." You smiled over at him.

It was silent again, but just like the first silence, you didn't mind it. You like the comfortable quiet between you two. Finally, you sighed and pushed to your feet, "Come on, let's go inside."

"Okay." Jeongguk got to his feet and you walked the path home.

You walked on the side of the pool where you all swam earlier that day, and didn't notice the small puddle of water that hasn't dried yet and you slipped. You reached for Jeongguk but his hands missed yours by millimeters, so you just took a breath and resigned yourself to falling into the water. You didn't mind it all that much, nothing some towels couldn't fix.

When you surfaced, you saw a laughing Jeongguk on the side. An idea formed in your mind but you made sure to keep your expression neutral as you reached a hand out to him. "Give a girl a hand, please."

Jeongguk - nice, kind, unsuspecting Jeongguk - reached a helping hand out to you immediately, only realising your true intentions when you gave a forceful yank and pulled him into the pool.

When he surfaced, glaring at you - but there was no heat behind it, so it didn't count - you couldn't help but laugh heartily. "I forget how similar you and Taehyung-hyung really are sometimes."

"Sucks for you." You smirked. The smirk turned into spluttering when Jeongguk splashed water into your face. You looked at him with narrowed eyes. "Oh, you're on."

You splashed at each other like proper five year olds, giggling and everything. Finally you called a ceasefire before you woke up everyone inside.

You looked at Jeongguk, blonde hair dripping wet, droplets of water rolling down his tan skin, that little mole under his bottom lip that you've wanted to kiss so many times you've lost count and suddenly, all of your resolve broke down like a house of cards and your common sense shortcircuited. You surged forward and kissed him firmly, clutching at his shoulders to pull him close.

His lips were a little cold from the water but was still petal soft and you wondered what it would be like to kiss him everyday.

Your common sense returned a second later and you pulled away, almost loosing your footing and slipping. Your whole body was on fire and you couldn't look Jeongguk in the eyes. "Fuck. Shit, Jeongguk, I'm so, so sorry."

You turned away from him, every intention of getting out of this pool and hiding away until you die.

Only you didn't get anywhere before a strong hand circled your wrist in the one second and in the next second you found yourself pushed up against the wall of the swimming pool, barricaded in by a hand on each side of you. You looked up at Jeongguk and your mouth went dry at the sight of those dark eyes that made you shiver. His voice was low when he spoke, "I didn't get to kiss back."

Your eyes widened and that was all you had time to do before he leaned down to capture your lips. Your head told you to pull away. That this is a very bad idea. Your heart told you to kiss him back and make the most of it. You've been listening to your head for seven years, so you decided to listen to your heart for once and kissed Jeongguk back with years of pent up longing and yearning.

The kiss turn turned really hot, really fast.

Jeongguk hoisted you up and you quickly got with the program and wrapped your legs around his waist. Everywhere his hands touched, it left a blazing trail behind, causing you to shiver and erupt into goosebumps. Distantly you wondered how it was possible to feel so heated in cold water.

You kissed and kissed until your lungs burned, your toes curling as you squeezed as close to Jeongguk as possible. Finally, you couldn't take it anymore and you pulled away, both of you heaving lungfuls of air.

"So now what?" You asked him, when you regained some common sense and breathing didn't leave you breathless anymore.

"Well, right now I'd like to kiss you some more, but later on, I'd really like to take you out." Jeongguk told you bluntly and if you were standing, your legs would have given out.

"What?"

And just like that, gone was confident Jeongguk and back was shy Jeongguk. He ducked his head, adverting his eyes from yours. "If you want."

"Yeah, I want too." You told him, watching as his eyes glittered with happiness. You could relate.

Jeongguk was onto something with the kissing some more right now, though, so you pushed that away and you dived back in. Right now you were more interested in mapping the inside of Jeongguk's mouth and finding out what his skin tastes like than anything else in this world.

* * *

The next morning your brother squinted at you suspiciously from across the breakfast table. You were seated in between Jeongguk and Hoseok, across from Taehyung and Jimin. Namjoon sat next to Hoseok. Yoongi and Jin was busy making breakfast in the kitchen. The six of you were waiting patiently.

Finally you couldn't take the staring anymore. "Is there something on my face, Taehyung-oppa?"

"Something happened." Taehyung said, pointing the pair of chopsticks he was fiddling with at you.

You rose a brow, not surprised at all that your brother picked up on it. That doesn't mean you are going to make it easy for him. You put on an innocent face, "Really?"

"Yeah, Taehyung-ah is right, you're like-" Jimin agreed, waving his hands around as he searched for the right word. "...glowing."

"I am not glowing." You said indignantly. Out of the corner of your eyes, you caught a smirk lifting on Jeongguk's lips. You turned and narrowed your eyes at him, "You, stop looking so smug."

"What does Jeonggukie have to do with-" Taehyung cut himself off and you could see how he put the dots together. The look on his face was hilarious as he turned to Jeongguk with a fierce gaze, "Jeon Jeongguk, what have you done to my baby sister?"

Jeongguk, despite being bigger and stronger, still looked a bit terrified of Taehyung as he squeaked, "Nothing, hyung."

"Nothing, hyung. Hah! Do you take me for an idiot? Something happened. I know it did. What is it?"

You giggled and leaned over to Jeongguk and whispered in his ear, "Don't tell him anything. Watching him squirm and drawing his own conclusions, slowly going insane with curiousity will be much funnier than telling him the truth."

Jeongguk brightened at your suggestion and immediately nodded in agreement.

"What are you two whispering about?" Taehyung demanded, voice higher than normal, despite having the deepest voice of the lot. "Hobi-hyung, tell me what they're saying."

"Sorry, Taehyung-ah, I can't hear." Hoseok said with laughter in his tone.

Yoongi and Jin came in with the food before Taehyung could interrogate you further. Taehyung looked before you and Jeongguk, "This isn't over."

You laughed, looking forward to teasing your brother a bit, when suddenly a hand slipped into yours. You looked at Jeongguk, who was steadfastly avoiding your eyes. You noticed his red ears and smiled softly, twisting your hand so you could lace your fingers through his. As the two of you held hands under the table while eating breakfast, you felt giddy and more excited about the future than you have in a long time.

There was still a lot you and Jeongguk had to talk about, but that was for later. You had enough time to figure it all out. Together.

the end.

#bangtan #bangtan fanfic #bts fic #bts jungkook #jeon jungkook x you #jeon jungkook x reader #jeon jungkook #jungkook x you #jungkook imagine #jungkook x reader #jungkook #jeongguk

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waynedunlaptheorgandonor · 3 years

Text

can i say a sort of pointless rambly thing i was thinking about that i can't put under the cut bc i'm on mobile?

jk, i'm not actually asking. ramble below, not edited for clarity. the following is completely unclear and i will not fix it:

i've been thinking about how part of the reason i'm so chill about caryl is bc growing up as a queer woc 99% of my main ships were like, never gonna fucking happen bc they literally couldn't. it was like, "omg, they gazed at each other from across the room, let's analyze the homosexual subtext of this one scene for the next fifty years, that's not necessarily hyperbole." i've watched all my ships fuck other ppl/have other love interests, and i knew that my thing was never gonna be canon, so to see like, one thing being like, "one half of my ship fucked another person several years ago while pining for the other half of my ship," i'm like...#nice, bc that can and likely will be used as a plot point to get them together later on, whereas in other situations i've been in i just kinda had to deal with it. so my impulse when i see ppl losing their shit is to be like

and to be slightly annoyed, tbh, bc the ship is still on track to be canon, and it's like, literally two white heterosexuals, they're prime candidates for juicy angsty pining that actually gets a resolution.

but!

that being said, i recognize that that attitude isn't necessarily fair. for one thing, i'm not the only queer woc (or some variation thereof) in this fandom, and some ppl's impulse might be exasperation instead, bc like, "wtf, even my mayohet ship has dumb fucking drama," and that's valid as hell, and i get it.

and also, i get that, even if you didn't grow up shipping impossible ships (or mulder/scully, bc that's a brand of bullshit all its own), this has been a suuuuper drawn out process where sometimes it feels like they're legit sprinkling crumbs to keep you hooked, just to play you again, and when you are invested in something, like /rly/ invested, especially if it's a form of escapism or hyperfixation or whatever, that can be e x h a u s t i n g. and i get that. i truly do, and while i make a lot of snide comments about the fandom being bonkers, i do get where the bulk of you are coming from (unless you're one of those ppl who hate on actors and esp actresses for just doing their jobs, and attack them on social media, in which case i am very much judging you and you need to get your life together).

i also realize that in the scheme of things i'm still a newbie. i've been here, what, twoish/threeish years, whereas some of you have been here since the beginning, so i'm not as worn out as y'all. but i also think that gives me a bit of objectivity that some of y'all have (understandably) lost.

my positivity is not meant as a sleight against those of you who are feeling negative, but is more of a semi-objective viewpoint (i say semi, bc lbr, i'm invested af in this, so i definitely have bias), and to me the threads of the storyline they're crafting seem sort of obvious.

like, let's look at it, yeah? they have one season left of this show that has been on for over a decade. they need to cater to everyone to give them a satisfying ending, while still hanging on to carylers bc of the spin-off. darylrreah seems like a very calculated move, bc it gives them both something to make abcers happy, while also creating tension and suspense and pining for carylers (i think they might underestimate just how fed up some carylers are tbh, and are banking on us to hang on for one last ride, which, honestly? if they play it right will probably work.)

if they end up doing a dumb love triangle thing, which, without seeing the episode and gauging the subtext i can't confidently say if i think they will or won't, it will ultimately end in our favor. it has to, bc leah isn't going to third wheel them on the bike in the spin-off. we can say with good authority that whatever that relationship ends up being (again, idk if they'll drag it out or not) it will be temporary. which leaves caryl open to ride off into the sunset and then bone down in every state in the united states and in puerto rico for good measure.

it's a lot of cheap drama, but i really and truly do not think it's anything to worry about, and i still really and truly trust kang to not make it out of character. ik ppl still don't agree with me on that point, and i'm not gonna argue, but to me it really does make perfect sense.

and i also predict that they are gonna play it up hardcore in the promotional shit and talking dead, but when that happens, remember it's bc it gets attention. regardless of where the story is ultimately going, relationship drama gets attention, which gets viewers, which gets amc and twd producers nice and comfy with full pockets

idk. to sum up ig i just wanted to clarify that i don't mean any harm with my relentless positivity. my history in fandom has just made this seem like nothing in comparison, bc while ppl are freaking out, i'm like, "oh damn, they're actually gonna get together by the end of this, aren't they? i didn't know that could happen!" and that makes me excited instead of upset

and you definitely don't have to listen to me. maybe i'm actually wrong. maybe i'm completely full of bullshit and am just good at making things sound confident. i got a lot of As on papers in college over books i never read, i know how to bs. but i also know how to analyze, and i while i will be the first to tell you i am not the best at a great many things, i do know that i am good at critically analyzing text while taking into account the context it was written in, and imho all signs point to canon caryl. when, i'm not entirely sure, but i see it happening. if it doesn't then they severely fucked up their storytelling, and that'd just be bad writing on their part.

(if you want proof that i'm good at reading writers'/producers' intentions, consider that i watched like, 8 seasons of supernatural before giving up, and said to myself, "i think they're gonna make destiel canon, but not until the very last second bc they are rly into catering to their fans but also have to consider their dumb fanboy audience so they can't do anything crazy overtly gay," and guess who hit the nail on the fucking head on that one)

none of this is important, but it was rattling around my mind grapes and i wanted to write it down into something vaguely coherent, and where else better to do it than here. i can word vomit and then send it into the ether and pretend i never said a thing. i love this horrible website, nothing can compare

i have no real conclusion to this, it was mostly stream of consciousness, but i hope it sort of helps y'all understand where i'm coming from, and why i am as chill as i am about things. not about y'all. y'all cause me so much anxiety i get physically sick and have to legit block tags, but with the actual show content i'm zen as hell

the end ig?

it feels weird even signing off on this, but w/e

-diz

#idk #caryl #caryl positivity #caryl spoilers #twd s10 spoilers #dunlap tp

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16woodsequ · 2 years

Note

sorry if this is a lot

adults always talk abt teenagers and their teenage years as wild and regretful, and, while im not like that, (ive always been called "wise" and "old soul" for context, im just a deep thinker i guess) someone mentioned that i talk more like a teenager now which felt sorta condescending and insulting though she then told me that isn't a bad thing

i think it's becaus emy anxiety is starting to go down so i use more slang and less restraint in sarcastic responses but isn't being "like a teenager" doesn't that have a sort of ignroing all rules and being a menace to society connotations?

i mean, i dunno. the thing i said was "whatever" so doesnt that make me a bratty mallgoing idk idk idk it feels like these are just stereotypes and they are obviously but i cant get it out of my head shouldnt i want to be old?

i know this is on anon but u can probably guess which of ur readers this is, ha. im just worried abt anonymity of strangers ig.

Hi! Glad you reached out.

I feel your frustration. I think teenager stereotypes can actually be super harmful. For one, the 'depressed, reclusive teenager' trope can often be used to brush off signs of mental illness, and the 'troublemaker teen' trope gives all teenagers a bad reputation even if they aren't doing anything wrong in the moment.

Did you know the idea of a teenager really didn't start growing until the 50s? When suburban culture began growing and teenagers began to have the time and space to pursue their own interests. That is when catering towards teenagers really took off and we began to recognise the developmental progress teens go through.

Anyway, history lesson aside, ever since the idea of the teenager was born, common ideas of teenage behaviour have lived on.

I can still remember being around 11, and my mom talking/ranting to me about teenagers and I told her "when I'm a teenager I'm never going to act like that." She laughed and told me that in a few years I'd see I was wrong.

Well jokes on her but I never got into partying or going out. I didn't even have very many behaviour problems because I was repressing all my feelings and stressed about my future.

In that way I was also 'mature' or 'wise beyond my years'. Now that I've got my own place I've found I spend more time with friends in a way that some might view as stereotypically teenagery, but really I'm just comfortable and having fun.

As for your situation, it seems to be the same. You're more comfortable speaking up. That doesn't mean you're 'talking like a teenager'. Perhaps your coworker could have worded it more as 'talking like a young person'.

In any case, I believe teenagers need to be approached with more understanding. Teenagers aren't inherently bad, and they don't automatically act a certain way. Acting like they do, sort how your coworker did, isn't really helpful for anyone.

Hope my response was coherent haha.

Have a good day!

#asks #anon #teenagers #society #stop stereotyping #stereotypes

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sarahjchang · 5 years

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a cliche phrase that just got filled

right after i finished my last final exam of the semester, some girls in my class and i went sunrise hiking (because what else are you going to do in Blacksburg?). i went hiking during this time my freshman year, so i figured that going again would be kind of special. a different mountain, with different people, hiking up to a different, but grand view. plus, it was the perfect opportunity to reflect on this past semester (but that's saved for a future post, don't worry). i was really excited. i wanted this time with my sisters and to experience something as glorious as God's vast creations, together, is something i know i won’t be able to do often when i'm older. finishing the former half of college, i realized that the latter half would go by a lot faster. and i needed to make the most out of where i am at this moment.

i apologize in advance, because this post is going to go off the cliche saying of "life's a climb, but the view is great." and honestly, this phrase used to get me angry because it was just so optimistic and i guess i didn't like that, haha. but this hike made me realize that these aren't just empty words that are used to cheer someone up. life really is a climb, life is hard. life is so hard and full of so much ... so much of what it has to offer ... but there really is something at the top. let me explain to you, (whoever you may be).

again, i apologize, but this time for my messy thoughts. i have a hard time fumbling through them and putting them into something coherent. but friends, i realized so much throughout this hike.

haha truly, i have the endurance level of an earthworm. i think all the athletic genes went to my brothers (darn!). but i knew i was going in with a group of girls, so hopefully i wouldn't be slowing anyone down. and this hike was supposed to be easier than the one i accomplished last year - and i survived that. so i went in with high hopes of not getting too exhausted. actually, i went in thinking this would be an easy hike and that i would just breeze through. oh, Sarah.

throughout the majority of the trail, i walked alongside one sister specifically, and we got to catch up on everything that's happened since we last had a formal conversation (which was probably this same time last year.) life got so busy and we never got to see each other with our conflicting schedules. but lowkey, i loved it, because there was so much we could throw at each other. we shared what we were struggling with at the moment, what we were afraid of in the following year, and altogether realized how God was working throughout it all. and usually i hate talking when doing something that requires physical endurance, because i already run out of breath doing just that. but surprisingly, from talking with her, i gained energy and the hike felt so much quicker and easier as we were talking and walking. in fact, we were leading the group the majority of the time and it was ironic because we're probably the least physically fit, haha. everything felt good. i was digging the whole atmosphere of walking in the dark beside someone while only using an iPhone flashlight as the only source of light. everything was calm around us and i felt so relieved. accomplishing yet another year of college and just being able to breathe was so relieving. so, why am i telling you this? because, i realized that life is a climb, but - if you have sisters beside you walking with you throughout it, then it becomes so much easier. without a doubt, i would not have survived this hike by myself. being put in a situation where it was okay to be vulnerable felt good. being able to pour out everything i had on my mind kept me going. and the best part is, is the feedback you receive from sharing a piece of your heart. i learned a lot from this one talk. out of context, i learned that genuinely listening is actually really hard to do, much harder than talking. i learned that it's for the best that we're not all the same, and that we're stitched together uniquely. i learned that you can't go through this alone. it's so important to find a community and support system. sisterhood is so important and so filling. [you know who you are, thanks for walking with me.]

when i hike, i usually keep my mouth shut (ugh, i know some of you might find that hard to believe.) but there's so many thoughts spiraling through my mind the entire time. and they're just bouncing off the walls of my brain, with no outlet. thoughts that are about how i'm struggling on this hike. "oh gosh, i need a water break, but no one else seems to look thirsty." "my feet hurt and my hip feels like its sliding out of place." "my limbs feel like they're no longer my limbs." "why am i so physically unfit?" i don't bother to express these thoughts out loud because i place this assumption that no one is thinking the same thing. everyone else is probably breezing through this and i'm the only one struggling. who wants to hear these thoughts? i'd be burdening the rest of the group. i mean, i'm the most incapable one here, right? surprise, Sarah! life's a climb - and everyone else is struggling alongside with you, whether you realize it or not. i realized that every time (which was kind of often) someone said the exact thoughts i was having out loud, i felt so much reassurance and the pressure to keep up was lifted off. it felt so good to hear someone saying they were struggling. i'm not the only one. and so that's when i realized, life is a climb, but - if you are vulnerable enough to share what you're struggling with, there's a very good chance someone is going through something similar and might be able to share the burden with you. and together, you keep walking.

okay, i just explained the part where life is a climb. but, what about the view? my gosh, when i finally reached the top... what i saw was absolutely beautiful. it really didn’t feel like i just hiked for two hours. this is where i say "this was worth it." the pink, yellow, and blue. the tiny city lights that looked like leftover sparkles from the night. the patches of land that weren't covered with trees. the sparse houses that allowed a person to sleep in peace for yet another night. the people that passed us on the trail who were already waiting at the top. i took it all in. i really did. and i thought to myself, (and read this next part really slowly)

//"My God said, "Let there be..." and there was. There is no greater beauty. //

friends. our God isn't some begrudging judge, waiting for us to shape up on our own. He comes to rescue us, helping us turn back to Him. He is the loving Father, running unashamedly toward His prodigal son. He is the good Shepard who goes off in search of just one sheep. sometimes the climb is tedious and disheartening, and downright painful. and in those moments, it's so temping to give up and turn away. but what we might not be able to see is the most magnificent view up ahead. here's what's at the top of life's climb: our gracious Father, extending his arms and calling us home. and that’s where it’s really worth it.

the One who was with you in the beginning, who has raised you up as his beloved child, will not forsake you now, or ever.

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