#it’s gonna be soooo worth it but my brain hurt from all the real life Tetris of trying to maxamize my space and organizing

[mcnuggyy]

ough :-( realizing I may have to ship another box cause I underestimated just how much art stuff and clothes I still have left waa </3

[kinktae]

I’m so proud of you for not only finishing the masterpiece that is Bitchin *chef kiss* but also getting the final chapter out when you were hoping. Every little win should be celebrated so make sure to give yourself some credit x

bitchin 10 asks (finally!)

thefouranemoi said: just finished bitchin! it was soooooos soooooooooo good! im a sucker for a really good slow burn but this wasn't dragged out or overly dramatic. it was perfect and im so glad y/n and jk have each other. thank you for such a series!

sadlemonboy said: i read bitch’n 10 on the bus and was trying so hard to just not cry. i was so good i love it so much. just like thank you

Anonymous said: WHAT'S WITH YARA AND TAE??? ARE THEY TOGETHER??? WILL WE EVER KNOW???

Anonymous said: Buttt just out of curiosity what happened with Yara and Taee, did they became fvckbuddies or smth

forvever-ddaeng said: STOP IM FUCKING SAD ITS OVER :( WHEN I READ “I SLEPT WITH ERIK” I WANTED TO STAB MY EYES OUT LIKE WTF BUT THE PAPER WAS HONESTLY SO FUCKING CUTE IM SO HAPPY WITH HOW THIS TURNED OUT I LOVE YOU AND YOUR BRAIN 🥺 p.s. do you think you’d ever do a drabble or epilogue where we get more of yara and tae? Totally cool if you don’t want to I was just wondering

O.O

Anonymous said: BITCHIN PART 10 WAS SO GOOD!!!! I WAS CRYING LAST MIGHT, THINKING THAT Y/N AND JK WERE JUST GOING TO PART WAYS,,,,HEKDHBFKD FUCKIN HAD ME SCARED. OMG SUCH A GOOD SERIES!!!!! I CAN'T WAIT FOR THE NEXT ONE.

Anonymous said: AHHH I LOVED BITCHIN SO MUCH!!! This has always been one of my favorite fics right from the beginning and probably will always be one of my favorites. You did such an amazing job. I’m sad Bitchin era is over but I’m excited for whatever era that will be next:) Thank you for writing this, ILY

Anonymous said: THANK U FOR BITCHIN IT WAS AMAZING

Anonymous said: Bitchin was one wild ride 😭😭 I loved it and can’t wait for more of your rewind series 🥺💕💕

Anonymous said: 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺💜💜💜😩😩😩😩- my reaction to bitchin final (for now)

Anonymous said: REST IN PEACE BITCHIN AAAAKAAKK.,?!@ FOREVER IN MY HEART GOD DAMMIT I CANT STOPCRYING ARE U HAPPY ROSE DID U LIKE CRUSHING MY FEELINGS LIKE THIS OIOOHNMY GOD 😭😭😭😭

jessiejellybean said: The only thing I can say about bitchin finale is GAJSOSLALHSISSAOWLLANSHSJAKA SERIOUSLY ITS SO GOOD THIS SERIES AS A WHOLE IS UNBELIEVABLY GOOD 10/10 WOULD RECOMMEND

Anonymous said: bitchin was so good😭 i am BEYOND devastated knowing that ill no longer be getting notifs on another update🥺it was so fun to be a part of this journey consisting of having to anticipate for another part to be posted for as long a month! but never have i regretted any second of waiting bcs the result came out so well written and interesting u might as well make it into a hard copy or a movie and get paid loads🤩 keep up the good work❤️

Anonymous said: Funnily enough, you were the first EVER bts blog that I followed because I thought you were funny as hell. Then, you posted part 1 of bitchin and on god I swear I signed my life away for bitchin!jk 🤡. I've officially lived through an era 🥺🥺. I'll miss them but I'll always be the biggest yaraxtae whore 🥵💦 -♒

sydney--chan said: This might sounds totally stupid or whatever, but bitchin' means a lot to me and I'm so happy that you decided to share it with us. Not to get all sad n shit but I started reading this during a really rough period in my life. This story allowed me to forget about all the stuff that was going on, even for just a little bit. This story means so much to me and seeing it end is like making me 😭😭😭 this is the perfect story and I love you and thank you for creating such a beautiful story 

Anonymous said: THAT WAS SO GOOOOOOOD the way u wrote about jungkook’s feelings tugged at my heartstrings like my heart physcially legitimately hurt ur writing was so spot on!! all the details!! Totally worth staying up even though i have class tm

Anonymous said: miss rose i just wanted to stop by and say thank you for always giving us such masterpieces. as a jk whore (ot7 whore in general but ya know) bitchin was just *chefs kiss* i literally looked forward to Sundays bc I knew there was a chance a new chapter would be posted lol. I am sad to see bitchin end but am also suuuuper excited to support your new fics and anything else you come out with. you’re the best. love ya 💕

Anonymous said: Bitchin' 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭 I'm going to say this for the umpteenth time... IT WAS SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO GOOD. It's one of the best fanfictions out there and I'm gonna re-read it at least five more times. Thank you so much for blessing us with this bounty! Take care! 💜💜

koru-rhi said: I should really be asleep but I had to finish Bitchin & I went back and reread it from the beginning to the end and I just want you to know how much I loved it! It was a beautiful smuttyfluffyangsty ride and I can’t wait to read more of your writing! I totally lost it at Everything I Didn’t Say 😫 btw.

Anonymous said: Wow bitchin is over... what is there to look forward to now on this app :(

Anonymous said: I AM NOT CRYING, YOU ARE ALL CRYING I CNA IT THE END DNDMSM MY POOR HEART. AGHHHH SNAMAMA PLEASE,WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME. YOU ARE KILLING ME. I DON'T KNOW IF I AM SAD OR HAPPY OR BOTH.

Anonymous said: UGH! bitchin 10 was amazing *chef’s kiss* I sobbed, I felt their earnest love for each other. A real roller coaster just like my emotions rn. Ngl I sound like a middle aged white mom giving a book review 💀 anygays I just wanted to say that I love ur stories and they’re always so well written

betysotelo18 said: Bitchin'...has me in tears! For some reason I thought this was going to have smut...Who needs smut! This was PERFECT! The damn piece of paper made tears roll down my cheeks! I loved every single chapter. Thanks for sharing

deewhalien21 said: Waiting bitchin part 10 was hell, couldn’t imagine living without them now😔 I’m going to miss them, like a lot. And thank u for good memories with these people mam, thank u for making me experiencing heart break that I could never have. I’m waiting another great stories❤️😔

lalumaia said: That was just perfect, Rose. Thank you, I love you

Anonymous said: hi, bitchin was soooo good and every time you uploaded i felt so happy and excited for the next one, thank you for all your work!

Anonymous said: when i saw the warning said “angst” i was so worried they wouldn’t end up together :( thank you for this rose this was such a beautiful story and experience!!! love u lots angel

Anonymous said: ROSE HOLY SHIT THAT WAS SO GOOD !!!!!!!!

unknowntalesx said: ROSE IM CRYING WHAT THE FUCK I LOVED THAT SO MUCH MY HEART WAS BEING SQUEEZED AND TORN AND I HAD/HAVE LITERAL TEARS RUNNING DOWN MY FACE

Anonymous said: OMG CANT BELIEVE BITCHIN IS OVER 😭😭 i loved everything from the beginning till the end 💜 THANK U FOR WRITING SUCH AMAZING STORY

Anonymous said: On god bitchin is the best series I’ve ever read on this app. The ending was great too! Just sad that it’s over :( thanks for writing it

Anonymous said: FAM YOU GOT ME CRYING IN THE CLUB WITH BITCHIN PT. 10! I absolutely adore your work so much and Bitchin was absolutely beautiful and so fantastic to read. I love it and you so much! Thank you for giving us something so beautiful ❤️ P.S. now take a long break girl because you deserve it

Hi friends! I can’t even begin to explain how much every single comment/like/reblog/ask in regards to bitchin has meant to me

[curlicuecal]

This is kind of a self-indulgent question, but how do you deal with people who VERY BADLY want to be your internet friend, and they'd be Crushed if you stopped talking to them, but you just don't have the energy for it/are beginning to resent them for it? (And for other reasons you can't bring up because whiffs of criticism squeeze their "I'm a terrible person" reflex)

Oh, gosh. As someone who has been on BOTH sides of this experience, this speaks to me right where I live.

If you’re at all like me, this stuff is difficult from several angles:

Firstly, I like people to be happy and not unhappy. If I can do things to make people happy, I tend to want to do them. Other people’s (un)happiness often feels like it weighs more strongly than my own (un)happiness.

Secondly, I am extremely rejection-sensitive myself, so this ups my perception of the harm to the other person. It also makes the whole topic feel extremely charged, b/c if *I* secretly don’t like this person for no reason they can control then maybe other people secretly don’t like me for reasons I can’t control. Maybe all my friends secretly hate me! (They don’t. I’ve checked.)

Thirdly, if I’m honest, I would like to be able to reject someone in a way that somehow causes zero change in their opinion of me, see previous All People Must Like Me At All Times Or I’ve Failed As A Human Being. (Also not true. I’ve checked on that one, too.)

Soooo yeah. This is one of those easier-as-a-bystander things, but here’s some things that have helped me.

-Untangle what you do control from what you don’t

You are in charge of your feelings and your actions. You CAN’T control (or even 100% predict) how the other person will react to them, so stop assigning yourself the task of being feelings!forecaster and emotions!wrangler.

Sometimes things in life (like you not manifesting the correct feelings) will make people feel bad in ways you can’t actually prevent or control. Give yourself permission to not try.  Break ups hurt, and the idea that there is a Magical Correct Perfect way that will cause no hard feelings is, sadly, not a real thing.  Pull off the band-aid fast or slow or however the heck you prefer.  It’s gonna come off.

-Try not to project

Worth emphasizing: If they haven’t said it out loud, you don’t actually know what they’re thinking or feeling.  Mind reading is a cognitive distortion, so try to spot when you’re falling into it.  Ditto for fortune-telling (you don’t know how they’re going to react) or catastrophizing.

-Practice enthusiastic consent in relationships

Seriously. Do this *today.* Every time you find yourself in a position where you need decide to skype/message/reply/hang out with/otherwise spend emotional energy on this person" check in on your consent. Do you enthusiastically want to?

If not: don’t.

It is amazing how often this idea feels revolutionary. But you don’t owe strangers (or your friends) make-outs or sex just because it would make them happy, and similarly you don’t owe them a deep, emotional feelings jam. Or even a relationship. Neutrality towards someone is not harm.

Guilt is a toxic as fuck relationship dynamic, Do Not Do.

-Sometimes people don’t click

It’s not a referendum on someone’s character if you just don’t feel it the same way. You don’t need to be someone’s friend because they are nice. You don’t need to be someone’s friend just because you don’t have a compelling reason not to be. You don’t actually need a reason to not want to be someone’s friend. There are several billion perfectly nice people in the world you will not have time to be in either a platonic or romantic relationship with.

Also, having incompatible relationship needs doesn’t necessarily mean EITHER of you need to change as a person.  It just means you have incompatible needs.

If you feel bad for not being able to be the Nice Thing in this person’s life, go leave a comment on someone’s fanwork.  There, you’ve brightened someone’s day.

-It’s not rude to not answer someone on the internet

This one’s hard for me! But seriously. Especially the less well you know someone, the less you owe them dropping everything to craft a response of any flavor on demand. Try not to frame it as “ignoring someone speaking to your face” and look at it more as “ignoring someone shouting vaguely in your direction across a crowded room.” I’m bad at small talk, so my rule of thumb is if I don’t have anything in particular to add to a conversation, I just…. don’t. “I liked ur post” does not mandate any particular response.

-Therapists get paid

Therapy is hard, emotionally-draining work aand that is why therapists get paid to do it, and why they only do it in a very specific, limited context. When you engage in therapy as a friend, it should be as part of mutually beneficial relationship. Does this mean that 2 friends always get the same benefits out of a relationship or that 2 friends will always have the same amount of spoons to spend on a relationship at any given time? No. But over the span of years it should probably feel like it evens out.

In my personal experience, starting as someone’s free therapist doesn’t usually work out well in terms of friendship. It feels nice to be helpful, but it’s a weird power imbalance, and best case scenario you’re both eventually going to have to work out new ways to relate to each other. Worst case scenario, one or both people’s spoons drastically change and suddenly you CAN’T continue the current dynamic and nobody’s got a safety net interaction-style to fall back on.

-You can understand and empathize with a reaction without having to prioritize it

You mentioned a “terrible person reflex”. And god, I feel that.  But this is one of those areas where both of you have GOT to be aware of who is in charge of handling that reflex. (Hint: it is not you). It’s very similar to struggles with jealousy or any other cognitive distortion– they are real, painful emotions, but as distortions they are not based in reality. People outside your own brain can find some ways to provide reassurance, but they cannot manage them for you. Is there a way you can work out a ritualized shorthand for the long set of reassurances or nimble tap-dancing that it sounds like ensues from this reflex triggering? (Something like: “are we still friends?” “yep!”)

In particular, if you find that expressing a need/feeling leads to you setting that conversation aside for prolonged discussion of the other person’s needs or feelings THIS IS NOT A HEALTHY OR SUSTAINABLE PATTERN.

-Listen to your brain when it wants you to stop doing something that hurts

When you’re experiencing emotional overload, distress, or damage, a healthy brain is gonna take steps to protect you. That resentment?  That is your brain giving you armor.  That is emotional coping.

If you’re like me, and not always very tuned in to your own needs (I *can* so obviously I *should*).  Sometimes your brain will just scale up the shouting (”Seriously, Stop Doing the Thing”) until you have to acknowledge it. One example is the “bitch eating crackers” phenomenon, where your brain escalates resentment of a person to the point where even the way they eat crackers starts to bother you. “Look at that bitch sitting there eating crackers.” This is not a good place to be in in a relationship. Repression is not a sustainable interaction style in a relationship.

-People that love you want you to be happy

If you are unhappy, that is important. If your happiness requires you taking a step back, *even in a way that hurts the other person*, most of your friends will want you to take that step. Plus side: this means that sharing a relationship problem will trigger good friends’ protective problem-solving rather than defensiveness. Or at the very least you know what they would want for you if they were in a better place.

The corollary to this is, of course, people that don’t value your happiness are not worth pouring your emotional energy into.

-If you’re waiting for the Thing That Will Give You Permission to Leave, “I want to” is sufficient reason

I have to include this because it is so damn important.  Seriously.  If you want out of a relationship, this is your sign.  Go.

-Be aware that “do this or I’ll hurt myself” is also abuse

Also so damn important.  Threats of physical violence to coerce behavior are Not Good.  Run run run.

-You aren’t required to invest work in fixing a relationship, but if you DO  want to put it in, here are some quick thoughts:

Switch to only engaging in ways, frequencies, and topics that you find rewarding. (ENTHUSIASTIC CONSENT. DESIST FROM EMOTIONAL SUPPRESSION.)

State your needs without feeling the required to offer detailed explanation or justification. (“I’m really stressed lately, so I need to only talk about casual things”)

Resist the urge to get drawn into guilt spirals.  (”I’m not mad” + restate need).

Resist engaging with stuff that violates boundaries you’ve communicated–just ignore and switch the topic. Redirect any too-heavy stuff to other channels. (“Sounds like you need a therapist to talk to”; “Ugh, that sounds stressful, hope you find someone that can help you through that”; “Sounds like something you two will need to work out together”; + TOPIC CHANGE).

Shift some of the relationship work to the other person, such as strategizing ways to balance conflicting needs.

Frankly what I’m hearing from you is “I want to stop” so…. yeah, you can stop.  Official Stranger On the Internet permission given.

ps, check out Captain Awkward’s tag on The African Violet of Broken Friendship, highly recommend.

[nycrunning]

I am so sorry this took so long. I really am. Life yada yada, all the excuses,but you know. I try really hard.

Most of you already know what happened, on broad strokes, though not all the details, I had a crazy and great race… The video is here, so you get a good idea of what the day looked like, but the details and behind the scenes are below, … and there are some juicy details…

I hadn’t run the NYC Marathon in 5 years. After running it SEVEN years in a row, I made a hard stop. I run one or two since (Boston and Hudson Mohawk) but it had been a while. I fell out of love with the distance and crushed hard on the half. And it was all fine, the half and I were so happy together… But then, New Balance reached out with the offer to put me in their team for the marathon and I couldn’t say no. It’d be such an honor to be a part of the team and they were taking care of everything so I barely thought about it, I jumped in with both feet and yelled I DO, I DO!

New Balance’s gift for race day, WHICH I LOVED

The truth is, I was pretty trained. I was doing all these halfs and training with my friends who are all doing marathons. My weekend run was always at least 14 miles, so it wasn’t a big change. That was taken care of.

The nerves… wow. I was excited about such a fun experience… but the MARATHON…uh. That distance… I am the opposite of most people: I love the marathon training, but I don’t enjoy the race itself, mostly because marathon pace is so excruciating… UGH. Always waiting and waiting to fly and then, when it’s time, you are in pain. GREAT. That’s why I stopped.

But here we went. I got ready. Physically ready.

RACE WEEK

came around and the nerves came back up a bit… it’s gonna hurt… will it all be worth it… why do I have to suffer… all those thoughts. It all makes no sense when you have no goals.

My fastest race is 3:27 in Berlin. My fastest NYC was in 2009: 3:42. It’s be good to get a course PR or even go sub 3:40, but I know NYC is a tricky course so I wasn’t sure I could do that. On the other hand, I never run over 4 hours and I didn’t want to go over 4… the nerves!

RACE DAY

The switch was on. I was hyped! I had never gone to the start with Juan so I was SO pumped for that…! We saw everyone in the tent!

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Got some coffee, water, ate a couple of bars and just chatted with one million people. Soon, I dropped my bag and walked about 200 meters to the Orange F corral. This is REAL. It’s been so long. Feeling all my feelings.

AT THE CORRAL/START

I found a few friends in the corral and soon we all walked into the bridge. OMG so many feelies. Can I start crying now?  It was a SCENE. The Orange wave starts a few meters ahead of the blue wave, where the male elite runners start at the same time. So I had a PRIME position to watch the elite runners start. It was awesome… And then, I get to chase them. How lucky are we that in this sport we play on the same venue as the best of the world, at the same time??? Beyond awesome.

We get the national anthem, the cannon, confetti, Frank Sinatra’s New York New York, helicopters and a all the yelling. It’s time to go.

STATEN ISLAND

What a thrill. The start is quite exciting. Pumped 97%, scared 3%.

I always tell everyone you can ruin your race on your first mile, and I know how hard it is to keep it all under control with such hoopla. Seeing the city so far away into the distance helps to sober you up. Marathons are such a huge enterprise that you need to respect the distance, no matter how many or how well you’ve done before. Respect.

Or FEAR. that also works sometimes. 😉

The first two miles are epic. I was on cloud nine thinking about all the people I love. And then I saw my husband on the other side of the bridge, we blew kisses at each other, touched hands and wished each other luck. Then I watched him get swallowed by the crowds ahead.

We were off the bridge in a hot second. It’s blowing past me too fast. And I am going too fast. But, am I? It looked too fast on my watch. On the other hand, who knows what will unfold in a few miles…

BROOKLYN

1- THIS IS WHY I LOVED THIS RACE SO MUCH

2- #$!&*#! I AM RUNNING TOO FAST. I AM GONNA PAY FOR THIS. IT’S GONNA HURT. THIS IS WHY I STOPPED RUNNING MARATHONS

Wow, this is LOUD and AWESOME, and I am letting these awesome spectators push me too fast… CRAP. I was so scared… These miles were FAST and way under that I had planned. FFFFFFFF. Can I hold this pace? Am I gonna die a slow death on Fifth Avenue? Whatever I don’t care this is soooo fun.…

Seriously, my poor brain was so overstimulated and trying to control my emotions and speed. I had to veer to the inside lanes and put the music on to calm down and shut it down a few times.

It was impossible.

Fuck it.

This is waaaay toooooo much fun. Life is too short. Let’s go in.

QUEENS

This was also wild… the Pulaski was amazing. YOU have to look left. I was really absorbing it all in. Really. Then I just run through the streets looking for QDR and NP. I missed QDR but NP was unmissable. You could have heard them from Staten Island. It was also a highlight.

Then the mighty Ed Koch brige, or Queensoboro, or the QuadKiller, or whatever you wanna call it.

MANHATTAN

Also, yey for the views. And, we were fine. We slowed up a bit up the incline, yey to level effort, but it was a happy place for me. Then the steep downhill. I have to say that is one of the points of the race that I look forward to the most -coming off the bridge into the loudest First Avenue. It was NOT SO this year. The block was blocked off spectators and it was eerily quiet. A bit sad even.

Luckily, we turned the corner into First, went over the overpass, after a block of fluids, aaaaaaand there was everybody FINALLY. A bit anticlimactic, but only if you were expecting it like me…!

First Avenue was great. I was looking for Martina, and later Susan at 100. I saw LOTS of people I wasn’t planning on and eventually Susan at 100. That always keeps me focused. Get to the next friend.

Then things got scary for a second:

Ah crap. I had overused my music and drained EVERYTHING. Even my spectacles died. That’s what happens when you don’t do marathons often and you don’t think about these things.

the BRONX

I tried to collect myself… I don’t need a watch… I was barely looking at it… So, I knew I was in ok shape, having passed the half-way point in 1:45 to come in sub 4… but now I had no idea what I was running… Am I running ok? Am I fading off? UGH. Let’s go, hey Bronx, here I am!

I really enjoyed the Bronx… there was no slump there. It helped that I had 1 million friend cheering and that I did 2 or 3 course practice runs. I knew every turn and every step, that makes a HUGE difference. Hey Bronx, not afraid of you anymore!

Back in MANHATTAN

One last time… this is it. This is when things get tough. You have 20 miles on you and no matter how your race is going, your body can not be happy. I was mentally pumped, not scared anymore, a bit of stiffness but READY TO FLY. This is why we look forward to the last miles, right?

Fifth Avenue was awesome. Harlem Run had an insanely loud cheer zone and I managed to get a high five from Alison! Around the park and then we are right there… where dreams die.

Luckily for me, I had my friend Andrea waiting at 100. I kept telling myself “100”, “100”, “100”, like a crazy person, sometimes out loud. Totally normal, right?

I got to Andrea quickly. She had her dog with her and I almost died. Thank you babe! Fifth Avenue was never this amazing before.

Now, I was really wondering how I was doing, and where was Juan. He had predicted for months that I would pass him around 5th Avenue, but no sight of my hubs… where is he?

Now up this killer long uphill, into Central Park for the last final 2 miles and I knew I had Carolina and Patricia waiting right there. Carolina is a pro cheerer so I was ready!

The park was SO CROWDED… literally, lots of people on the course, a bit dangerous and annoying but I’ll take it. Not going to slow down now… no thanks!

THERE THEY ARE! hey HIIII

If anyone can jump for 2 seconds to take a selfie and keep up with anyone, it’s her! She told me I was doing amazing, I kept asking where was Juan, “Juan is like two miles behind”, I was in shock, never registered that I was “doing amazing”, said good bye and kept at it.

Right around 3 minutes later, at 72nd, I saw Melissa! Everyone looks miserable but I am shouting and blowing kisses.

Is having so many friends an illegal advantage? Sue me!

Well, now off just for the last bit. Let’s go. I can do this. My legs felt like they were going to fall off I swear… but hey. Hiiiiiii Whitney!!!!!!

A couple of minutes later, I was done.

My friend Ali was at the Finish, how convenient… also he takes amazing pictures!

That is literally how I felt. I wasn’t posing. I was crying, laughing, hysterical. FEELING ALL MY OATS at the same time! WOW. What a ride. Hey, I get a medal too!!!

Thanks Janelle for this picture!

Happiness… Seriously, it’s been a month and I still feel the glitter in my soul!

I found some more friends…

Then Remi brought me a scone. I died. What a day… Then I found my husband in the VIP area where our bags where. I WAS SO HYPER THO. So much caffeine. I took just 4 uncaffeinated gels, water, and 3 caffeine pills (I love these), and they really get me moving…

Once I got my stuff, first thing I did is I put some Cure in my water, chugged it, got all the layers on, got my phone and OMG WHAT THE FUCK DID I JUST DO????

WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK?

I felt good but I wasn’t expecting a 3:3X at all. WHAT? I was yelling. My poor husband, I get so loud!!!!

Everyone would tell me that “of course” and “I knew you would do that”. I didn’t. I was shocked. That is NOT a PR for me but my fastest NY was a 3:42 from 2009. Literally 10 years ago. I am TEN YEARS OLDER, PEOPLE!!!! well, that happened.

This was awesome. We walked the 2 miles home (not so awesome) and then I was hyper for about 3 more weeks. Help.

I am sorry this was too long. I am just processing it all now. While I sign up for next year’s race. Again: HELP.

          2019 NYCM - EPIC CRAZY DAY I am so sorry this took so long. I really am. Life yada yada, all the excuses,but you know.

[weirdlywisely]

Yearly recap : 2017

I’ve done that the past two years and idk i think it’s good to do it and i like doing it anyway so here is my thoughts abt my 2017

So many things happened tbh idk if i’d say 2017 was a good year objectively, but it wasn’t that bad of a year for me

so ! i noticed i didn’t mention it at all but this year has been both really hard but also really good 

really good bc I finally moved out ! I’ve been living with my best friend officially since July but really since the end of August and I couldn’t be better ! 

i love my family i really do... but we’ve been at each other’s throat for like more than a year... if it’s not me and my parents, it’s me and my brother, or it’s my brother and my parents, or my brother and my sister... it’s very tiring... im tired of fighting with them... I really am... but im better since i moved out and see them less! i will have to move back in for summer bc im leaving Toulouse normally but it’ll be good i think

but i should do smthg in a more organized manner hahaha 

January was... plain bad... I was still in my double degree thing that exhausted me so much ! and i failed one of my final badly so i was really feeling awful (got my degree in the end thanks retakes) but i got back on my feet ! january was also bad bc i applied for an abroad exchange but was refused pretty harshly. if im being honest that hurt a lot... i may have cried bc i didn’t know what to do if i couldn’t go abroad and get away... but i got back on my feet and i was more or less okay!

I met two wonderful online friends for real this year ! and let me tell you IT WAS AWESOME ! took out quite a chunk of my savings but it was totally worth it ! but with all the money i spent on travels these two years im probably not going anywhere by myself in 2018 hahaha 

I met Mathilde in February and went to the eastern part of France, where i never went tbh it was a really fun week ! idk how long we had known each other but it was a loooooooong time hahaha 

I also met Lark in May! we took a little roadtrip in the US it was super fun hahaha i never went to these parts of the US so it was super cool to see ! could have done without the “guns make sense” signs... those were awful and didn’t actually make sense but ‘murica my guy

in the end got my English degree (look who has a valid college diploma !) and got my DEUG with an AB (ITS NOT EVEN WRITTEN ON THE DIPLOMA IM SALTY I WANT MY MENTION !!)

I am honestly focusing on the good bc the first half was hard but the second half of 2017 was better, and seeing friends i hold dear was just sooooo good and such an highlight of my year ! 

i went to Peru with my family for the summer it was super cool ! i met such great people and it was so interesting ! as you know my spanish just sucks but i have the best spanish in my family so i talked quite a bit and it was very fun hahaha there’s one thing im so angry about ! i was sick, like very sick for three days... Which three days ? the ones we did the Machu Picchu ... so i still went up but sat down on a bench at the entrance bc i couldn’t walk without wanting to puke... Fun story, the first day we had to do the famous hike to get to the Machu Picchu with guides and all but i was feeling so badly i couldn’t do it so i took the train all the way to the town and i was told someone would tell me where my hotel was... the guy didn’t... so i went out of the train station, feeling half dizzy half wanting to cry, i saw a guy on a bridge and asked him in spanish if he knew where my hotel was... he seemed all confused so i asked in english and one of his friend arrived and tried to help me with google maps but sent me on the wrong way hahaha so i walked a bit but felt so sick i wanted to cry so i sat down and a few minutes after i saw two guys who seemed to know where things were, so i asked them in spanish if they knew where my hotel was, and they said they knew and i asked if they could tell me, and they were like “oh no we’re leading you there” and like they did and one of the guy tried to speak with me but i was feeling so bad my head was spinning and i couldn’t understand half of it bc it was too fast and i apologized bc of that and then i thanked them so much bc that was so nice and i just spent the rest of the day sleeping bc i was dying inside!  it was such an experience hahaha also before that i went up 4910m ! and man that is high ! you can feel the lack of oxygen ! i loved it it was soooo cool ! 

if there’s one thing i know, it’s that traveling and experiencing new things is something i love ! it’s like the one thing that doesn’t fail to cheer me up soooooo

this year has been very good to me but also very bad... my lows have been pretty awful but i think i managed to open up abt it and get better. i mean im still not fully okay but i’m recovering pretty well, i mean ive never been that bad so it’s pretty okay.. like yeah there are still moment when i want to die or stop existing, and you know some thoughts aren’t the best... but im hopeful for the future so there’s that !

i mean, i didn’t think i could get my english degree bc i hated it so much it basically made three years of my life hell bc i just couldn’t stand it but i did it ! i thought i wouldn’t ever be able to let go of the “fake your confidence” thing but i feel like it’s less fake ?? im better with myself and im starting to actually like myself a little ? bc im trying to become a better person, im trying to become more compassionate and more helpful bc i am trying to better myself 

is anxiety still fucking up my life ? yeah it is, but guess what ? i can do it! what my brain is telling me is wrong ! i can do it, people aren’t laughing at me, i’m not making a fool out of myself ! and if i can’t do it ? i have a great best friend who knows that i sometimes cna’t do things and is willing to help and that is just so helpful ??? i sometime worry that i rely too much on her, but actually i trust her to tell me if im bothersome or whatever so it’s great ! 

honestly, i am hopeful for the future it’s so strange ?? i didn’t think i could have so many things i want to do ??? like i know what i want to do with my life ! i am stressing over which masters i want to apply to and creating so many other plans in case im not accepted ?? i want to travel the world ! meet new people ! see new things ! learn more ! 

it’s honestly crazy.. four years ago ? I was almost certain i wouldn’t be alive at 20, and now ? im 21 and im getting my life back on track ! 

another pretty big thing for me was that i cut my hair ! i had cut it all off very short back in may or june 2014 and two months ago i cut it all off at around the middle of my neck and it’s been soooo liberating ! im gonna cut it back shorter bc it’s way too long but wow! 

i feel like i am actually growing as a person ??? idk the me from last year and the me from this year, we’re not the same ! im getting better ! 

tbh 2017 was a train wreck i mean im still a train wreck but a train wreck who wants to get better sooooooo ! 

2017 was hard, but seeing friends and traveling helped a lot, i think those few days away from home helped so much, and just moving out it was just great ! don’t get me wrong i had very bad breakdowns while living at my flat but i didn’t have to call my best friend crying bc we were fighting with my parents sooooo yeah

lots of negative this year, not gonna lie, but ! like the idealist fuck i am i am hoping that 2018 will be better ! i mean i have so much planned ! im not gonna let anything set me back ! fuck it !

also i got a job this year ! i tutor people in english so it’s pretty good and it gives me experience ! my résumé isn’t empty anymore yay !

also im better at standing up for myself so it’s good ! i can finally just say what i think, not fully but more than before !

So basically in 2018 i want to try and improve on myself more ! i want to be proud to be myself soooooo 

i’ll try to talk to more people on here i think bc i really want to talk to people and i just am super shy but idk i want to talk to people and have more friends so why the fuck not hahahha 

i’ll also probably confess to my crush... tho i hate that i have a crush on him bc he’s a friend and all but idk i feel like it’s either to move on once it’s out soooooo 

i also want to learn how to dance bc i have way too fucking much energy and idk i don’t want to start any combat sport and i really want to learn how to dance even tho i am as graceful as a drunk hippopotamus hahaha

and finally i want to seriously get back intro writing and drawing ! it has been hard last year bc so many fucking classes and pressure but idk im motivated ! tho i always say that hahahha 

in conclusion, just be kind to yourself in 2018 ! you’re improving but it takes time ! i really hope i can look back on 2018 and be like “yeah i did it, im proud of who i am and where i am”