#it’s just funny bc it feels so much bigger and more intense than a couple of mentions

[hello-eeveev]

you wanna know what’s so funny is that we’re all like “omg Essek could NOT shut up about Caleb 🥺💕” but like. he absolutely can.

the only times Essek brought up Caleb unprompted/without relevance to the discussion at hand were gesundheit and nighttime sendings lol. of the four uses of the phrase “my partner,” one is an off-handed mention as part of a clarification (“I have not been following the Assembly’s threads; that was more my partner’s purview.”) and the last three all happen in the span of four minutes before Essek exits the episode.

the problem is that within those last four minutes, Essek hit us with

1) showing off a zemnian phrase he learned from Caleb,

2) “he is kind. and he is smart. and he is so strong,” said with such conviction and pride and love that I don’t think I’ll ever recover, and

3) leaving the crafting party to chat with Caleb before bed

which was just. a lot. it was so much and it was so good. so much concentrated shadowgast in those four minutes

this whole ship is built on layered conversations and implications and skirting the obvious (with the exception of the last two minutes of m9 reunited) so to give us four whole minutes of Essek boasting about Caleb, praising Caleb, wanting to go talk to Caleb was particularly potent

thank you Matt Mercer for my life 💕

[alittlebitgoofy]

lovesick melody (luxx/spice)

i am so obsessed with these two it's not even funny so ofc i put them together into a fic bc i'm what? biased and gay for them. also it's a fun dynamic (tw for drug usage)

ao3 link

Despite what she told herself, Luxx would be lying if she said she didn’t get lonely from time to time when seeing couples. They didn’t need someone else to feel confident, relationships seemed so draining from everything she’d seen in highschool. So why did some ditzy girl who could tell her the entire history of bratz dolls, but couldn’t do basic math make her head spin this much. 

That didn’t stop the onslaught of feelings that were waiting round the corner though, no matter how much denial there was. The amount of times that damn feeling crept up into their chest made Luxx want to scream, though confessing this to anyone would be the worst of all. 

No matter how many times they told themself this would pass, it grew deeper just to spite her. Luxx swore she hadn’t had this intense of a reaction to feelings before. Crushes happened; she just pushed forward because no one was like her and it would’ve caused more pain than it was worth to explore those feelings. No, this was different. A sickeningly sweet smile that only ever seemed directed to her. That was what broke her from denying it any more. 

Spice wasn’t the most aware person, they were thankful for that. She never noticed a change in behaviour and never questioned why Luxx would go quiet occasionally, usually when she took personal space to be a mere suggestion and pulled them impossibly close. 

Unfortunately Sugar made up for her twins lack of perception, raising an eyebrow whenever she walked into their shared dorm to see Spice curled up against Luxx, the most calm she ever looked, smiling serenely up at her friend like she was the only person to ever show interest in her.

She was too loving for their heart, anyone else would at least limit their feelings but Spice never faked her feelings, the affection in her actions was obvious to anyone but it felt different when she spent time alone with Luxx. She didn’t hesitate as she did in any social situations without Sugar, even with Luxx by her side.

That was another thing that both warmed and hurt their heart, Spice seemed so on edge in any social situations without her twin. The way she always stayed at Luxx’s side and would fall quiet as soon as someone said she was talking too much, throwing an occasional glance to her friend with a weak smile. Getting her to open up after one too many people jokingly told her to shut the fuck up wasn’t too hard. She wore her heart on her sleeve, no matter how much she didn’t want to. 

Seeing her cry was one of the most heart wrenching things Luxx ever experienced, swearing they could feel everything Spice described, crying her eyes out as all her pent up frustrations became too much to bear. That was the first time she knew she was whipped, unable to say no to Spice’s pleading eyes when she asked if they could hold her for a minute. That moment turned into a few hours, the brunette curled her way into Luxx’s arms, head leant against her chest and sat in silence until her emotions calmed. Even after she had come down, Luxx couldn’t find it in herself to let go, letting Spice put on a film and stay put in their arms. Spice was intoxicating in a way she didn’t know another person could be. Her mind seemed to short circuit whenever she got close, which was difficult when she was a koala in human form, always pulling Luxx in for a hug and lingering as long as she possibly could. Spice’s affectionate ways got a few side glances, mostly from mutual friends who knew Luxx did not like to be touched, unless you were an emo brunette with heels bigger than your iq.

That was what had led them to where they were, too many thoughts circling around their head as a stoned Spice had curled her way around them, arms circled around Luxx’s waist pulling her so close their bodies were practically one entity. Her head sleepily leant against their shoulder, occasionally letting out a content hum or zoning back into the conversation when her name got called. How Jax had managed to sneak in enough for the four of them they didn’t know but Spice was already there when they came back with Marcia so she got to join in. 

Luxx’s attention was brought to the phone buzzing next to her, Spice seemingly unaware of the fact her phone had been vibrating on and off for the past ten minutes. She got brought back to reality after as Jax threw a balled up piece of paper, Spice letting out a small whine a solid ten seconds after it hit her. 

“Spice, your phone.” They spoke after Spice turned her attention to the direction the paper came from. “My phone?” She blinked, glancing around to try and find it and failing miserably. “It’s been buzzing for like the past 10 minutes.” 

“My phone?” She spoke slower that time, as if questioning if she even owned a phone. How could she be sure it was hers?

Jax shook their head, Marcia poorly concealed her amusement and Luxx just stared at the girl in awe of how few thoughts were in her head. “Yes your phone, who else’s phone-” Jax grumbled, frustrated at the sheer lack of processing power in Spice. She took a few seconds, nodding thoughtfully at them before opening her mouth to speak again. “...your phone?” She questioned, tilting her head to the side as she spoke. “No my phone is over here, Luxx’s is on charge. It’s your phone that’s going off.” Jax let out a long sigh, Marcia full on cackling at Spice’s antics. Luxx just continued to watch, curious as to if she’d finally get it or continue to question what a phone was. “Oh! My phone!” Spice’s brain finally shifted into gear, picking up her phone from beside Luxx and scrolling through before turning back up to Luxx with a pleading look in her eyes. 

“Luxx, what does it say? My brain isn’t braining.” “You really shouldn’t have had another brownie,” Luxx muttered, taking the phone from Spice and beginning to read through the barrage of texts she had received. Of course they were all from Sugar, informing her of every thought, broken by the occasional minute or an addition she realised she wanted to make after the original message had been sent. “It’s Sugar. She’s asking if you’re coming back, said she’s gone out so she won’t see you.” “Who’s she gone with?” “She didn’t say.” 

“Maybe she’s going with a ghost.” Spice’s eyes went wide and it took all of Luxx’s self control not to burst out laughing then and there. 

“I don't think- maybe she is actually you never know.” They shrugged, unable to suppress a smile when Spice squeezed their hand in thanks, smiling sweetly as she pocketed her phone. 

“Are you not going to reply?” Spice blinked a few times, before pulling her phone back out of her pocket and sliding it into luxx’s hands. 

“Yes?” “I’ll tell her you’re coming back, and get you back to your dorm cause you’re too fucked to do it by yourself.” Luxx responded to the text, not hesitating to include how it was her texting on Spice’s phone because she was too stoned to string a coherent thought together. 

“I think I ate too much.” The brunette spoke up suddenly, her eyelids fluttering as she leant forward to go back to leaning on Luxx. 

“You think?” They couldn’t help but be soft with Spice, stroking her hair as she burrowed into their shoulder. 

“Tired.” She let out a muffled word, quickly followed by a yawn. Luxx felt relief trickle into her as she realised Spice was too out of it to realise how much she was enjoying this. Her reflexes were slow, all she really could do was be affectionate and speak occasionally. The intimacy was something Luxx would always try to avoid but god damn it Spice was too cute to say no to. 

Luxx glanced over their shoulder to the sight of Jax in Marcia’s lap, kissing them as if no one else was in the room, letting out a groan at the display of affection. “Get a room.” “Didn’t you say you were going to take Spice back to her dorm?” Jax shot back, focusing their attention back on Marcia as Luxx scoffed. “I am, have fun being gay.” “Oh, we will.” 

Keeping Spice upright as they walked was a difficult enough job as is, even in their hazy state Luxx could be the responsible one when needed. The taller girl had leant half her body against them, shuffling after as Luxx led the way. The walk was quiet though not uncomfortable. Luxx wondered if Spice could even string a sentence together in this state, the fatigue in her obvious from the way her eyes were already starting to flutter before she shook herself awake.

“Luxx?” Spice spoke up in somewhat of a whine, a pleading tone that coming from anyone else would be grating, yet from her was somehow endearing. 

“Yeah?” “Stay, I like you.” 

Her hands lightly tugged at Luxx’s shirt, inching them closer to her. Another thing she could get away with that no one else would. They stared her down in faux resistance, relenting when Spice’s pout became too hard to resist. Her arms immediately wrapped around Luxx’s waist, leaning her head on their shoulder. Spice let out a content hum, dragging Luxx into the bed with her. They couldn’t help but stare, watching as Spice’s lips curled into a smile, her eyes half lidded as she glanced over to Luxx with a sleepy grin. 

Luxx could have sworn time slowed for a second, they became painfully aware of every feeling in their body as Spice curled around them, listening to her breathing even out. She fit perfectly into their side, her arms sprawled out on top of them. Half in a spooning gesture and half just so she could spread out. 

Fuck. She was down bad.

It wasn’t enough Spice had practically been a weighted blanket for the majority of the night and Luxx had no complaints. It wasn’t that she had asked nicely for them to stay with her while she fell asleep and of course the answer was a yes. It was this, the affection, the pure love in her eyes every time she smiled at them. God damn it, why was this absolute bimbo taking every shred of feeling inside of Luxx and turning it to 11 just by existing. 

This was going to create problems tomorrow, namely both of them sober, realising the situation. Sugar would no doubt see this and grill the pair until she got a decent answer. It could strain things, it could be awkward but the nervous joy that bubbled up as Spice slept next to her was enough to make Luxx think it was worth it. 

This feeling was sickening, though no matter how much they tried to resist it came crawling back. The world had it out for her, but maybe Spice was worth the pain of feeling all these things.

[sscoutregimentss]

i know we as a collective society believe in gamer! eren supremacy. and yes, this is a good take. however, may i introduce to you: normie/fuckboy/jock eren with gamer/nerd gf. thoughts under the cut (safe for work, pg-13, also slight snk spoilers for season 3 and up!)

see, eren isnt necessarily a fuckboy. in fact, hes very loyal! he doesnt really think that way about any girls or guys except you. but hes popular romantically and had a reputation for sleeping around before he met you (not that theres anything wrong with that but ya know word travels fast across campus). plus, cmon the dude is in a frat, super hot and has a tongue piercing. he cant blame anyone for thinking he is a fuckboy bc he exudes the energy.

you are kind of the complete opposite. you dont really enjoy parties and you keep to yourself. you're a total wreck when it comes to flirting and your kinda oblivious to whenever people like you. you dont have many friends and are a bigger fan of 2d people than 3d.

either way eren finds you so so so cute. he first approached you at one of his frat parties. your roommates convinced you to come after she said that someone (read: connie) had a dance dance revolution mat, but you kinda just stuck around in a corner staring at your cup once you lost them. he looks you up and down-- your outfit was pretty cute, a short plaid orange pleated skirt, dress shirt, orange cardigan and black beret laying neatly upon your head. and your face... he couldn't help himself but try to talk to you. you were really anxious because wahhh scary sports guy you dont know but he was kinda instantly comforting? in a way? and he was freaking pretty. he looked like a final fantasy character--long haired characters were your type. the rest was kind of history.

a lot of people are shocked when they find out your dating bc you two are so different (some people are surprise eren “dates” at all) but no one dares question your relationship when they see how much eren dotes on you. he has so many polaroids of you in his wallet-- from the many arcade dates you bring him on where you decimate him at almost every game, you awkwardly posing in the hentai section of bookstores, or just candids of you being intensely focused on a puzzle in a game. whenever you guys go out to eat and somethings wrong with your meal, he'll send it back (in a polite way, of course, but hes still assertive.) or if you buy like a figurine and its misisng something hes marching up to the cashier stand for you. he always has an arm around your waist or is holding is hand in yours. sometimes you just cling onto his arm and rest your head on it (hes comfy!!!!! and you are always tired) your both pretty clingy, but you get kinda awkward when you two are around people you know so he just kinda subtly holds you as to not make a scene. its nice. hes comfy.

youve got dual monitors, a pc you made yourself, rgb keyboard, the whole nine yards. all your consoles are up to date and you keep a handheld system on you at all times. you spend most your weekends watching anime and movies and tv shows and your shelves are piled high with books and comic books. eren literally does not understand any of it. when you told him you built your pc he goes "you made all those microchippy things? youre soooo smart babe". when you talk about some of your weirder or more complicated animes he nods along but honestly he gets so lost ("so like, lemme get this straight, the kids dad's wife ate his mom?" "yeah but like she was turned into a titan so she didn't realllllly know it was the dads wife, but like she literally walks past this titan shifter so i think she knew." "thats crazy.") and he will never understand the point of otome games when hes literally right there. he actually has a really bad habit of getting jealous of characters you have a crush on but you just find it funny. sometimes he gets an ego boost when they look like him because even if they look like him he is actually real so they can suck it.

hes rlly supportive tho. erens a rlly passionate person and he loves you a lot so he pours a lot of passion into what you do. if you are into esports/fps games hes cheers you on all the time and does all the raging for you ("BABE THAT GUY IS STREAM SNIPING! HES STREAM SNIPING YOU HEY ASSHOLE STOP CHEATING OFF MY GIRLFRIEND" "eren he cant stream snipe me because i dont stream" "oh i thought that just meant cheating"/"WHAT DID YOU JUST CALL HER?" "eren its okay i can just report him" "NO NO LET ME AT HIM IF HE WANTS TO CALL YOU A BITCH I CAN CALL HIM MUCH WORSE" "um guys im gonna mute my mic for a second if you need me text chat") if youre into cozy games he likes to watch you play and gives you ideas on where to put things. like in minecraft he makes you put a second bed for him even though he doesnt play and he helps you name all your pets. you get a little less intense with cozy games so you sit on his lap and he lets his hair down puts his head on your shoulder and points at where you should place stuff. he still rages though? this is eren jaeger we are talking about. ("aw, she wont move to my island." "WHAT? who does that little ugly squirrel think she is? you think youre too good for MY y/n's island? i'll shave your unibrow off. then we'll see what island will want you" "leave hazel alone! shes cute!"/"dude that hamster guy with the glasses looks like armin" "graham? what? armin doesnt even wear glasses" "no no look at it more" "oh shit youre right") rpgs/otome games are kinda a wild card with how he acts. if its an otome game and the character looks like him he is more into helping you out because it reaffirms to him that you find him good looking but otherwise he is just sulking and calling them annoying ("princess y/n... i know im just a servant, but i want to be with you forever!" "pft. get a load of this guy. clingy much?" "its romantic! youre jealous.")

one of his favorite things to do with you is cuddle and watch anime. usually he lies his face on your thighs or chest while watching and you play with his hair or he holds you in his chest and you play with one of his hands while the other goes behind his head. he grew up on some of the classics like naruto sailor moon one piece pokemon and dbz but he never got super into it until he started dating you. you put him on to soooo many good shows (cartoons, anime, and live action) hes both a crier and he is a get-angrier(?). he gets mad on characters behalfs and you have to pause the show so he can rant about how annoying someone is or he feels so bad for someone so he has to take a minute because hes tearing up. he likes slice of life anime because the friendships <3 theyre so wholesome and they remind him of him armin and mikasa but he also likes shounen because it is entertaining to watch fights. he gets really into them actually. he also has this really bad habit of whenever there is a character with no parents or a dead mom he goes "oh same" or "welcome to the club buddy" under his breath. when theres a cute couple in an anime you both like guys get matching keychains of them unless one of them dies because he thinks its bad luck. his favorite animes are haikyuu, your lie in april and code geass.

you are equally supportive of erens volleyball career. you know all the rules because sports anime and you actually find yourself really liking it in 3d as well (it is lacking in bromance and screaming but you let it slide). you go to all his games and he always texts you before his practices. has a habit of kissing you before games and one day after he kisses you go "gg ez win" as a JOKE but then they like decimate their long time rival marley university and get into nationals (is that a thing for volleyball idk sports) so hes convinced its because you did your "gamer magic". now every time after getting his good luck kiss he interlocks your pinkies and you go "gg ez win" and he goes “yes.” because to this day he doesnt know what it means (he thinks googling it is like breaking the magic)

okay im gonna stop while im ahead BECAUSE I COULD TALK ABOUT THIS ALL DAY I MIGHT JUST GO AHEAD AND WRITE SOME ONESHOTS....

[malepresentingleg]

is it 2013 again? cause i have a rant about teen wolf coming and i feel 16 y/o.

so due to dome heavy procrastination I've consumed a lot of teen wolf content, i skipped a bunch of episodes and a lot of scenes in the ones i haven't but i still have some Thoughts TM

it's good??? i had a Good Time watching, it was funny but intense and dark and i felt Feelings watching, some of the plotlines were meh (or maybe i just skipped them heh) but a lot were interesting and i loved the characters and their interaction

scott. my sweetheart. my baby. such a cutiepie, such a great protagonist 10/10 i love him and would die for him. he's so pure and cute and his little smile melts my heart. i love how he's fundamentally Human no matter how non human he is. he's a great character all around and i kinda wish they didn't do that shit to him at the end (imma get there) or treated him like he ISN'T the protagonist for such big parts of the shows

people KNOW. Stiles knows from day one, allison finds out soon, his mom finds out in season 2! the sheriff in 3, and they just become part of the gang and can help them with stuff bc they UNDERSTAND. shows like that get really tiring when the teens constantly lie to everyone around them and it was very refreshing. the running gag with the coach ruining things tho was funny and I'm ok with it.

Ok this is mellisa appreciation time. she's SUCH a great, complex and unusual mom-of-hero character. i absolutely love her and her attitude, i love how she's not simply being used as a tool to cause scott pain (just.. sometimes) and their relationship is parenting goals.

also isn't it fucking hilarious how she's a nurse but she just knows everything medical. she's also a surgeon and a mortician and a doctor. ik it's for plot reasons but it funny af.

in general women on the show.. had a lot of potential, i love them, but i hate how they were treated.

allison was all around great imo, her and scott's relationship was built very well and was two sided from the start (unlike... yeah), she has emotions, she's smart and brave, but also human and scared, she kicks ass and, again, exists outside of Scott's GF status (mostly). andddd they killed her. idk if the actress had to/wanted to leave or it was a pure writers decision bc they needed to keep just her father or something, but that would have been ok if not for all the other things

we have 3 main kickass ladies with powers- lydia, kira and malia. lydia spent close to FIVE whole seasons not knowing anything about her abilities/not knowing how to control them. cmon, it gets old. scott masters his powers after a season or two (and had control a lot sooner), parrish finds out what he is like half a season after it becomes relevant etc.

malia- do i need to explain? she was CONSTANTLY struggling controlling her abilities, no matter how badass she supposedly was. and kira oh boy, they did her dirty, didn't they?

kira was such a cute adorable character. i loved her and her little crush on scott and wanting to make friends and being freaked out about relationships, i love her discovering her past and heritage and learning to fight and gaining control and becoming a badass. but. what? they just undid all this? oh no the fox is taking over she has no control no agency of her own she needs to disappear for years now bye :( again, idk if the actress needed to leave but it was so unsatisfying and was insulting to the character. she wasn't even mentioned later a bunch like allison was, just they needed her mom for a plot tool and didn't even acknowledge it was her sword they were breaking. uhm rude?

LET WOMEN HAVE POWERS AND BE AWESOME WITH THEM. and not just minor/bad characters thanks.

i love the concept of a pack on the show and how you don't have to be a werewolf to be a part of it, how scott becomes a true alpha and how he cares about his friends. i kinda feel like in later seasons him being an alpha was more talk than show which like /: meh. like i said, he stopped BEING the main character, just talked about as if he was.

i love how friendship is valued, but i think it could be more.. i mean the scene in the motel, all season 3b, scott and lydia, all the girls with each other.. i love it. too many times tho it "wasn't enough" and only romantic love worked which SUCKS. in 6a i was so happy scott went in to try and remember stiles and the memories hit me right in the heart. then when it "wasn't enough" i was SO pissed and frustrated goddammit. i guess that leads me to the next point-

ships, should i talk about ships? i don't want hate in my asks but oh well it's been a few years maybe there's no fandom to care. I'll start with the end

malia and scott. what. the. fuck. when, out of fucking no where, they had like a lingering look or something i was just "nope. no thanks". and then every scene they had together i had to cover my eyes bc it felt so wrong and bad and awkward. jesus. no build up at ALL, they're like family, i just. ew. no. it felt way too much like "oh we gotta pair off the leftovers" or "the main character can't end up single" well guess what, he fucking can. it was. god. i can't even explain the disgust. when he needed to heal and all she had to do was kiss him ugh. it felt so fake and empty of meaning. i would 100% prefer for it to be stiles (I'll get there) or his mom who snapped him out of it.

melissa and chris, i could get aboard with that. def cute, def weird af since his dead daughter was dating her son but, well.

stiles and lydia is a ship i have conflicting feelings about. i absolutely hate the concept of "the nerd" is in love with the popular girl since freshman year and he's borderline being a creep ("oh but it's stiles! he's a dork and he's harmless" no.), completely obsessed with her and she ignores him but then they end up getting together.. i mean, it sends a bad msg to obsessed boys about how it's worth it in the end, and it makes the whole relationship feel unbalanced from the start, makes her reciprocation feel unatural. BUT, i have to admit the show did kinda make me warm up to this ship by the end, curse them. it was kinda cute. i wish there was more mutualness before it became such an important part in 6a tho.

just gonna put it out there: malia/kira and lydia/allison. i wish we saw more girl on girl interactions in general but the ones we had were very good, great dynamics.

i won't get too much into it but i.. i don't ship st*rek. i understand why they're the biggest ship (two white hot boys that interact with each other, i mean.), and i see the couple of fan service-y moments the show throws at us but just. they don't have my heart, i don't really care about them. not the characters, the characters i absolutely love! (tho this watch i skipped most of season 1 and 2 and 3a and i think that's where derek is the most asshole.. didn't he do really bad things? idr) idk if you want a bad character on the way to redemption with someone you should ship liam and theo who had way better shippy chemistry imo, even tho their ship probably wouldn't be healthy given their dynamic history, huh.

the ship that does owns my heart? scilies. I'm a softy when it comes to best friends to lovers, and their bond and relationship is just. so. pure. don't get me wrong, i love me a good platonic relationship, but there was just one to many homoerotic interactions between them for me not to ship it, hard. (not to be that person but my guess is that if Scott was white it would have been a way bigger ship, but who knows?) i love their love, i love they would do anything for each other, and i feel like there were a bunch of very missed opportunities for them in later seasons :(

so representation. this feels like a show that is trying to be Woke TM but it's not going so well. the main character is supposedly latino but it's never ever addressed. idc about "oh we want a world without prejudice" you can still fucking address it. i mean they went to Mexico a couple of times, stiles keeps saying "Mexican cousin" i mean. god. give us something. did i mention scott was told he'd make a great "nazi youth" ..

and you don't need to be a genius to see the most characters are very white or at least very white passing. and when you don't address their non whiteness they might as well be..

i already mentioned how poorly i feel kira was treated, but also mason, who is a wonderful character, gets no depth? we know nothing about him other than being gay and smart pretty much.

i also spoke about the women already but, they were really really great women characters, but not enough of them, not enough that lasted.

there's not much to talk about disability bc it just wasn't on the show. the only blind character was healed which. /: same with epilepsy and asthma..

i think the show is probably very proud (ha) with their LGBTQ+ rep bc they're like "oh let's make this insignificant couple gay bc hey nbg". examples are lydia's grandma, La Bete and marcel, i think nolan and jiang were exes and then nolan and gabe were a thing? idr if it was explicit. the couple of girls in the tent.. probably a couple more. it's nice, def better than all random couples being straight but that's not satisfying as rep.

Danny was great. i think he and ethan were.. cute? i think he was awesome, i loved danny so much and was very excited to learn he KNOWS at the end of season 3 and was waiting to see him join the pack. instead he fucking disappeared?! wtf. #WhereDidDannyGo

brett was cute rep, especially being bi but i feel like it could go into the insignificant pool which, again, is better than nothing.

mason and corey i just don't have strong feelings about. they were definitely cute and I'm glad they were together, i love mason A Lot. i think this relationship could be explored more, or at least the characters could be explored more to give this relationship more depth.

very interesting how there's no wlw canon couple, not even hinted. just fan servicey hot malia kira dance which /:

not to mention transgenderness. god can you imagine the interesting plotline of transitioning while being a werewolf 0:

i think the rep i was most happy about was ethan and Jackson. even tho i don't think there was build up or clues in the first couple of seasons, I'm happy for the actor who i know was struggling with coming out publicly, and it was very fun and refreshing for the ending. even if we got very few scenes with them the dynamic was 10/10

the biggest problem is obviously stiles. i just don't understand why, if they're so supposedly progressive, they went to that length to queerbait without following through. the whole gag of wanting to be attractive to danny and to gay guys, the whole "aww danny want to have sex with me that's so nice", the whole "do you like guys too?". it's a gag. his alleged bisexuality is the butt of a joke, and it pisses me the fuck off. they don't have to make it a big deal or have him get a bf for it to be official. it wasn't subtle subtext. it was a CHOICE. to put a spotlight on his sexuality but not deliver. -100/10 would not recommend.

also they could talk about his mental health more.

and about Scott's, please and thank you.

and everyone's.

i had some more feelings, like villains changing sides without getting a proper redemption and having no consequences, the wholesomeness of the sherriff and mellisa being each other's kids second parent eichen house (wtf??), and more, but i think i wrote enough for now.

tl;dr- good show with A Lot of problems, will always have a place in my heart bc I'm a nostalgic gal.

[lady-charinette]

Aged up marichat where chat is being a little fart and marinette puts him into his place sassily. Angst in the beginning then shifting to fluff. But chat is justified in being stupid like he's not being whiny lol just a couple's quarrel LOL (since theyre in their 20s possoble mention at them having future kids and them being blushy bc they didnt do the shame shame bc theyre waiting for marriage XD) Lyyy scar

Heh, you're welcome @ravensink ! Don't forget to drop by more amazing requests! ;) 😏😈 Also: @miraculous-elcie-fanfics since you mentioned wanting to be tagged in my ML stories :3

"Oh? The princess isn't resting in her lavish castle with a maid massaging her feet?" the teasing voice cut through the peaceful silence and Marinette hung her head, already knowing who it was.

They've been at this for a while now.

Four years, to be exact.

She didn't turn her head to look at him, but acknowledged his presence when he jumped down from her chimney to land perfectly balanced on her balcony railing next to her.

It still amazed her how, even after he'd underwent growthspurt after growthspurt during puberty, with only her head reaching the very top of his shoulders now, he still managed to perfectly balance his large frame on the thin metal railing.

Marinette smirked at his banter. "The princess was waiting for her loyal servant to finally arrive and massage her feet for her. I must say you're quite tedious, loyal servant." the smug grin on her lips made the young man chuckle, shaking his head in amusement.

A fair eyebrow rose in question, mirth shining in those green eyes of his that had captivated her more than once, not that she would ever say that out loud. "Apawlogies princess, my services have been lacking."

The young woman laughed, the smile reaching her eyes when she glanced at him briefly. "Careful kitty, I just may be on the lookout for another tomcat." She winked and Chat had to admit it did funny things to his stomach, had since they'd become good friends.

More than that.

Comfortable silence settled between them, until Chat Noir spoke again, his voice dropping a bit deeper, more serious. "Marinette."

The use of her name made her finally turn her head, the bandage on her cheek catching the cat's eye instantly. "What?"

He sighed, swinging his legs over so that they hovered over the floor of her balcony and no longer in open air. "You should've called for me sooner."

She gingerly touched his shoulder, her smile warmer than the inviting blankets in her room. "I'm fine kitty, Ladybug saved me."

He scoffed, messy blond hair falling into his eyes. "She may always save you, but there will be a time where she can't."

Marinette sighed, knowing those words were very true, especially since she was Ladybug.

Not that her partner would know anything about it.

"Maybe...maybe there will be a time where I can't..." the solemn expression on his face and in his voice made her blood boil and Marinette leaned forward.

"Huh? Princess, wha- MEOWCH!" Chat Noir sprung back quickly, back slamming against the side of the wall as he cowered away from the lethal substance. "Hey! Cut it out! I thought we talked about this little lady!"

He hissed at the offending object held securely in her hand, a disapproving glare on her face. "Don't you 'lady' me, kitty! And I thought we said you would stop trying to protect me all the time! I'm a big girl Chat, I can protect myself!"

The woman with the hell spawned spray bottle in her hands crossed her arms and the feline hero deemed it safe enough to come closer when the deadly bottle wasn't directed at his general direction anymore.

"You can't protect yourself against akumas!" Chat Noir straightened to his full height, now a whole head taller than the angry dark-haired woman.

Marinette growled in frustration. "I did and I will! Ladybug and you may have super suits but I have enough brains to think my way out of a situation." the proud smile on her lips was there for a second, until her secret partner was on her again.

Chat Noir growled, a far more guttural and feline-esque sound than what Marinette made. "Don't be stupid! What if you get into a situation where brains can't help you?! What if you're trapped somewhere, kidnapped by an akuma or not even on land and far away? What then? Still think your creative mind can save you?"

Not willing to back down, no matter how pity their argument seemed, Marinette stood her ground. She knew Chat Noir had now way of knowing she was Ladybug, so technically she had the brains and the super suit. "I will think of something!"

Now it was his turn to cross his arms, much bigger than hers, from all the years of fighting against akumas and criminals and he leveled her with a deadpan look. "Evillustrator?"

Marinette gaped, surprised that was the first thing that sprung to his mind. "You were with me! Nathaniel was harmless! We'd been kids Chat Noir!"

He frowned. "Glaciator?"

She coughed, looking away. "Kids! Err...I was on a roof and distracted by all the candles you set up!"

His expression softened at the memory, but quickly hardened with his next inquiry. "Ignoblia?"

Marinette jaw dropped and she pointed an accusing finger at her friend. "Hey! She was a bit..too quick and...she was a superhero- villain!"

"Exactly! Proves my point purrfectly!" He smirked at the look of despair on her face, until Marinette turned her back to him and huffed.

"I see kitty is having a hissy fit!"

He didn't want to, but the jab still got him. That little minx. "How can I not when you constantly dive headfirst into danger?! Do you think I dont check every alley and every corner if I dont know you're home when an akuma strikes? I can't believe you can't see reason!" he ran his claws through his messy hair, messing it up even further.

The designer stomped her foot. "I can't believe you can't see reason Chat! Why do you even check every alley? I'll find shelter somewhere!" she rolled her eyes, irritation seeping from her every pore.

The brief pause that followed made Marinette turn her head and when she looked back at the suspiciously quiet cat, her eyes flew open.

His face was set into a deep scowl, protective rage shining brightly in the green eyes and when he took a large step towards her, Marinette nearly stumbled from his imposing presence. His voice was heavy with emotion but didn't lose its bite from before. "I just want you to be safe!"

She stared up at him, her hands raised and just shy of touching him directly, bluebell eyes blinking slowly.

Chat Noir's face was still set in that intense glare, chest heaving from his outburst, until a hand settled gently on his cheek.

He blinked, all traces of anger gone and he instinctively leaned into her touch. "M-Marinette?"

His face looked so vulnerable, so open, green eyes glistening with emotions when her name left his lips in a whisper.

"I promise..." she took a breath, but smiled warmly up at him, the hand on his cheek caressing him softly. "...to try not to get into trouble as often. And I'll have you on speed dial, okay?"

The man sighed heavily, but nuzzled her hand, blond hair still falling slightly into his eyes. "You better not furget princess."

The teasing glint was back in his eyes and Marinette gently flicked his nose. "I won't you worrisome cat."

He shook his head, smiling down at her like a lovesick fool. "Kittens...."

Marinette rose an eyebrow curiously, giggling in amusement while she gently petted his cheek like a cat. "What?"

"Our kittens will be adorable with your looks princess..." the words leaving his lips were dreamy and mumbled, the same soft look in his eyes.

Then, as if awakening from his trance, Chat Noir sprung away from the blushing woman. "N-No, w-wait! It's not- I didn't- I mean I did, but- NO WAIT!"

He covered his mouth with his hand, face an alarming scarlet, tail haphazardly moving on the floor, and Marinette swore if she'd taken a second glance, she'd seen for sure his tail was formed into a heart.

Marinette's entire face was a tomato red, her mind racing with mental images.

Of Chat Noir

And her.

And their children.

Dressed in little black cat ears and wearing ladybug themed masks.

"Eep!" the undignified sound made Chat Noir jump and it took Marinette a split second to realize it hadn't been her that made that sound but him.

Chat Noir covered his face, before he desperately tried to talk over his rapidly pounding heart. "W-Wait, it's not what it sounds like! I was- I was talking about kittens, from- from the streets and- and! Um, adopting them!" he looked everywhere but at her but Marinette couldnt bring herself to look away from him, transformed into a blushing, stuttering mess.

"Y-Yes! Pff-preciously! I-I mean precisely! Kittens! From the streets! To uh, to adopt! Not like a family or anything or uh - just uh, individually! As-as friends! Platonic! Completely platonic! I mean, of course, if you want- not I'm not forcing you, never, I mean you're my princess and lady, I could never force you, no way! No, I-"

A finger suddenly planted itself on his lips and Chat Noir's eyes flew wide open at the action, pupils zeroing in on Marinette.

A very red faced Marinette, who had a determined look on her face, stared up at him just as she stared down their enemies when in her super suit as Ladybug. "I...I think kittens would....would be fine."

Both older teens stared at each-other in petrified silence, until Marinette spoke again, the pink shade on her face growing darker. "B-But our own k-kittens...w-with Ladybug masks and cat ears...I-in a n-non-platonic way..."

Silence.

Ice settled in her stomach and Marinette's mind worked into overdrive to try and come up with a believable excuse.

Maybe it had been a joke! Of course! Chat Noir was known to make jokes!

Marinette froze when she was pushed into a solid warmth, surrounded by equally solid, warm arms around her back and one cradling the back of her head tenderly.

She could feel Chat's frantic heartbeat slowly settle down the longer they were locked in their embrace and before Marinette could form a sentence, Chat already spoke.

His voice was so quiet, she strained to hear it properly. "You know princess, I think I prefer them wearing their mama's suit more, but whatever you say m'lady."

Marinette's heart skipped a beat and she buried her face against his chest, shoulders shaking from laughter.

That dork.

Of course he knew.

But she had a little secret of her own, one she won't reveal just yet.

She smiled, her own arms wrapping around him tightly.

He purred in response.

Marinette's smile widened. "Only if they wear their papa's brand from time to time."

Chat's heart picked up in speed again and Marinette laughed.

[phoenixfire-thewizardgoddess]

Hey guys, 

This is the local dog rescue charity that we were carers for, for several years. May do it again in future, but after Debbie (who was rescued by Precious Paws), it feels like we need a break. 

We have had three foster fails, but two puppers came through our home, learned to feel safe and loved, and went on to a perfectly matched new family.

There is always a demand for carers, so if you think you can, have a look at their Carer Info. Or look into the FB page, to keep your eyes open.

The best way to find new carers for animals is having a network of people sharing the Urgent statuses, which flags the attention of new groups of people. No dog will ever be LEFT on death row. They look for carers until the last second, but will absofuckinglutely take the dog anyway and put them in a boarding kennel short-term whilst a carer is located.

No doggo left behind.

It can be a bit confronting, though, so I understand if you cannot. The majority of the dogs have been surrendered to the pound, for various reasons, and the rescues in the region put their hands up for the ones slated for being put down each week. This list constantly refills, so there is always a need.

Some other dogs, like Debbie, are rescued directly from the disgusting human slime of the world who have caused them pain, injury, or attempted to kill them.

Carers open their homes to as many as they can, but there will always be more needed. A dog can be with you for a few months, to a few years, depending on their needs. 

Little Willow was so scared of everything when we got her, it took 5 months to get her to trust men near her due to where she came from. But after nearly a year, she was ready for adoption and went to a new mother; happy, healthy, and confident. She was fast, smart and a very delightful little doggo. I do miss her, sometimes, but her new mother sent us photos of Willow on her first and second adoption anniversaries. 

And little Gemini’s face, when her new family sent a photo from her first meeting with her human brother, was SO BIG!

It is hard to say goodbye, because they are with you for a long time, and you have to work hard with them, so they are an integral part of your life. But it helps to know that their future family is out there, not yet aware that there’s a dog shaped hole waiting to be filled.

As my parental unit says, “In reality, if they were not with us, they’d be dead. Someone without any heart dropped these animals off to be killed, and because of all these rescues, all these dogs and cats get another chance at life.”

Harvey, who we have now, was 9mths (Willow too) when they came to us. BABIES who just were too energetic or too big, so they had to be sent away. It takes a while to rebuild that trust in them.

Not to mention the absolute FUCKS who take their little old dogs, who have known and loved them their WHOLE LIVES to the pound and walk out with a new puppy (or kitten). FUCKS.  Those little doggos are never forgotten, PPARs and the other rescues make sure they have somewhere to go as well! I know of a 16yo bulldog called rosie, who was snappy when she first came and very depressed, who blossomed with her carers into a happy old girl. She was adopted recently!!!

It is important to be aware that these animals are often traumatised and have behaviours that some can consider ‘naughty’. You have to be understanding. Like traumatised kids, the worst thing you can do is yell or hit or whatever, even if they piss on your favourite rug or chew a beloved pair of shoes.

They may snap and snarl. Might shy away from men, or women, or teenagers. Might cower away, or show subservience constantly. Might hide for a few weeks. Might wet themselves or run to hide if something makes a loud noise or there is a specific trigger. They might rip up the couch twice, or hump your pillows. Try to escape the yard (need strong fences). A trigger? One of our kids was terrified of men, the noise of a powertool, and anyone having the hood of their car open. Would sit, shaking, panting in fear if these things were present. Still a bit much for her, but she knows to go to a human, who will keep her safe. Or sit with her sister doggo, who will protect her.

Willow was scared of men, shouting, and would be immediately wet-herself-afraid and show her belly in subservience. My giant bearded mountain of a sibling would lay on the floor with her, and talk gently, let her come over to sniff him. Eventually, she would lay next to him, and finally he could pat her, and it progressed from there. This took months of consistency and care.

I know of another carer couple who had this tiny little dog who was SO SCARED of everything she spent absolute months hiding under their bed or sofa. Too scared to be touched. They fed her and never made a fuss if she had a little accident indoors. And one day, she popped her head out while the male carer was pretending to be occupied... and licked his arm. That was it, went straight back under the bed. But it was a huge step. She can now be held and cuddled, and loves her little life. But it took the time, understanding and patience of these carers to get her there. It’s important to note that carers dont normally have the whole backstory for each dog, but after a while, you tend to get good at figuring it out based on behaviours. Harvey’s behaviours were extremely frantic for attention, he didn’t know how to sit or be still, he was desperate for attention; his behaviours increased when on a lead (which had to be used for the first few weeks and outside time, as this was a New Household Member time).  It was clear that given his age, when we got him, and his behaviours that he’d been an xmas gift puppy that had gotten WAAAAAAY bigger than anticipated. When he was small he’d been the fuss of what we suspect was at least 2 children. After getting too big, he was put on a leash in the yard, and had no real interaction.

Harvey would go BALLISTIC if given even a glance from a human. He NEEDED attention, and it took months of careful work with him to teach sit, stay, look, settle, back back, etc. He’s still a bit ridiculous, sometimes, but he can sleep on a bed with a human and only half drown them in spit (ugh) lmao. 

So consider if you could be a carer.  Or, if that isn’t realistic for you right now... donate.

-------- 

Donate, if you can.

If you’re in Brisbane, you might see them doing sausage sizzles at Bunnings on the weekends to raise needed funds! 

-------

COVID-19 hit all the rescue charities hard. Their normal fundraising was crippled by the lockdowns, but animals are always in need of new homes and protection.

If you can help out your local shelters, they’d appreciate it!

There’s food and supplies that need to be paid for; PPAWs specifically help out pensioners who take on an animal, by providing the food and toys, collar, bedding, etc. There’s desexing, microchipping and all vaccinations to be paid for. Some animals have extreme medical issues that need to be fixed (such as a dog surrendered with a broken hip, or dogs like Debbie, who were starved almost to death. Who need intensive and long-term things; with Debbie, my family put money forwards for her insulin and eye surgeries, etc. bc we could budget for it. Not everyone can, though.

There’s also little emergencies here and there that they jump in for, to assist.  [E.g early on when the caninculin levels were being sorted, Debbie had a random fit, so I rushed her in and they discovered her BSL had hit 1 - very dangerous. PPAWs got on the phone and said, “Any tests, any medication, any fluids, anything that needs to happen for that little girl, you DO IT” and they stabilised her. PPAWs also helped fund the full-day glucose testing and blood panel the next day and an overnight with the vet, that was pretty expensive. To be clear, it is expected that her starvation and new diabetes was likely to experience highs and lows, so we had bought a glucometer, and had squeezy-top bottles of honey all over the house as an emergency-response kit. When Debbie went funny, we filled her mouth full of honey and transported; which was the protocol, as was taking her medication chart (she’d been waaaay high for BSL that morning so this dip was SCARY). It took another incident before the vet decided to use an interstitial fluid monitor, and the results backed up our concerns that Debbie was having completely random highs/lows and spikes with no real pattern. She had the vet recommended food and no treats outside of the ones she was allowed, and at times suggested by the vet. Except on her last day when the vet said she could absolutely have a wholw happy meal, and little Debbie was DELIGHTED. I have the funniest photo of her with it all in her mouth looking excited but not sure where to go from there, but it still makes me cry to look at it because we lost her just three weeks ago. (We did rip it into little mouthfuls for her, though. Just to clarify.) She was placed on a higher dose, after that, and was completely stable from there. It was the testing that initially identified a flaw, though, and we are forever grateful that PPAWs stepped in on that day.

And the point of my rambling speech... is that shit happens. Especially with these dogs, cats, horses, and all the other animals they rescue.  Emergencies are often the most expensive to cover for charities.

On the upside! Donations also help with a) transporting animals to carers around the region, and b) on the occasion that an animal’s new furever family is interstate, they can be flown to them!

Lots of stuff.

Think about the mess of words, and consider donating - to PPAWs, or find out the name of your local charity and see if they need help!

[warmbeebosoftbeebo]

I’m dehydrated and you’re one of my faves. Where did ya go?!

been here, falling hopelessly behind on posts, both my own n others. i did just do a bden’s booty post with brallon, vices era that’s quite…uh…educational. yeah, educational.

i’ve been reading on orgasm gap research between het women, bi women, lesbians, gay men, bi men, straight men too. you know something is profoundly wrong with our (cultural) definition of sex when researchers and laypeople can say straights have more sex than lesbians, who supposedly have the least, but straight women only average 7 orgasms a *month* while lesbians average 55 monthly, more than anyone else. *x-files music with gillian anderson quoting some piv & porn-critique*

i wondered something the other day: imagine if only people who really liked women and wanted to just show people having a great time sexually made sexual material? bc most porn is so clearly “women are trash/cum dumpsters/whores/cunts so let’s hurt and humilate them” i’m astonished most people can’t see it. (it’s amazing how common women’s faces are visibly distressed, in pain, etc, and this is either irrelevant or the whole damn point.)

i’ve also had so many dirty thoughts about b i can’t even… like outercourse/tribadism/frottage are criminally underrated–been thinking lots lately about that with b (not that i don’t do that usually haha). am also working on a part two of bden’s tongue–that man’s so oral n his mouth generally is just… so sexy n ridiculous at the same time? how does he manage to get me thinking these filthy thoughts about his mouth on me, esp on my vulva, when being a complete goober with his lips and/or tongue? fucking houdini. (he’s my favouriteeee. precious lil boob) also, how is my life now in significant part “contemplating” him having a smaller than average dick. (bden has a small peepee ok peeps? on what planet does he have a bigger than average one? bc it ain’t earth.) god, i wanna touch that man’s dick, feel it in my hands n in my mouth n between my thighs n between my labia n on my clit n dsfkldfskl;dfskl;dsf

i’ve also been thinking of doing an imagine with a trans character, esp since it’s been requested a couple times, but was thinking of doing one with one who was starting to desist/recently desisted. i don’t consider myself a desister bc i never took steps to transition medically, and was never publicly socially out, due in large part to my environment (structural feminism, livejournal vs tumblr, my mom & her own history, knowing my brother had also been trans when younger than me for a few years and desisted, eg he used to steal my underwear n menstrual pads to wear them, wished he was female, wished there was a magic way to become one), but from 12-16 i was trans (intensely wished i was a gay man, contemplated medical transition sometimes, had a vivid fantasy life of being a gay man, wrote about being a gay man, i still to this damn day get dysphoric/anxious/panicked/distressed at the idea of wearing a dress or skirt in spite of my trying to rationalize it away, etc). given tumblr, being born later in the age of lupron for preadolescents n medically transitioning adolescents, no radical and other structural feminism (eg shere hite, kate millett, audre lorde, dworkin, alice walker) my life would’ve turned out very different. 

i would be super interested in talking with someone(s) who wanted to look at ideas around an imagine with bxreader with that, like struggling with seeing one’s body as female, having genitalia being called vulva/cunt/pussy/etc, wondering how to be seen as a person while being female during sex–i think a lot of what drives the fact that 70-80% of young trans are females who identify as male/nonbinary/etc, and what drove it in part for me, was rejection of porn culture/pornification/women being seen as holes for males, and not wanting to be treated like women in porn & mainstream culture (which is pretty much the current softcore porn and softcore virtually isn’t actually made anymore by pornographers) are treated, combined with how completely Barbified teen girls, 20something and 30something women in mainstream culture are, with a few rare exceptions for older women like Ellen (who are generally not seen as sexual but only funny, talented, etc). (asperger’s, anxiety & depression, eating disorders/disordered eating (anxiety n disordered eating also played a role for me), same sex attraction & lesbians being seen as boring and so last century at best, and evil oppressors at worst who are treated incredibly poorly by others, inc "the queer community" or being redefined out of existence are some other issues at play.) i’d love to hear from desisters and people contemplating desisting in particular, but others are welcome to chime in around these themes.

bden’s own history with “crossdressing” and the dress-up box (from about 6 on thru adulthood–he’s spoken repeatedly about wearing his mom’s clothes n heels n his sister’s cheerleader uniform, would wear his mom’s jeans all the time from 13 on, and even in fever era wore whole outfits from the women’s section), wrapping curtains around his waist to be a dress at 5, playing female roles in family plays, wanting to sound like female singers like gwen stefani, carly simon n beyonce n not like a man, etc could also be interesting to look at. b’s family being strict/traditional mormons kind of boggles my mind, bc they seemed to have left him to it, n he was (and still is) a big momma’s boy. like you can tell boyd loves his son but have you seen that man’s political views on twitter? omfg. i imagine he bit his tongue a lot around his youngest, and i wonder if b’s gender nonconformity played a role in b’s brothers coming to live with them (b, his 2 sisters, mom, dad) when he was 8. i bet grace (mom) stood up for him a lot, n that b was more feminine than his sisters (altho for sure there’d be a lot of shared interests with plays, the dress up box, n such).

[clarabosswald]

the last 24 hours or so have been strange

i’ve at long last reached the point in my life in which my national service is over (i’d talk more about it but it involves so much shit i don’t even know how to translate that i’m not gonna begin to try to) and since trying to resume my service was The Life Goal for the last few months and now it’s gone my mind suddenly got weirdly clear and i started thinking about a lot of shit and going to mental places i haven’t gone to in ages so like for instance a few days ago i stumbled upon a livejournal dedicated to being against the inheritance cycle book series and everything around it and like when i was a kid/teen i used to be fiercely obsessive about the first couple of books but when the rest of the series came out my interest for it just died and for a long time i didn’t quite understand why that happened and i just didn’t even think about the books for like... years then i accidentally found that livejournal and browsed through it out of curiosity then i realized that the writing just got really bad and that’s why i stopped being interested in it i just didn’t understand that that’s what i felt bc i naturally tend to look at things optimistically and it’s funny bc i was very much aware of critiques of the books back when they were my things but i was in different mental states back then and now (also by now i’ve also seen star wars and read lotr so i understand the plagiarism aspect much better) so this whole pointless story leads to me spending the last couple of hours thinking intensely about writing and how when i was a kid i was an avid writer and how i used to plan whole novels in my head and how what i did like about the inheritance cycle was the concept of the dragon+rider bond (the basics of it, not really how it was written eventually in the books) and how i’d really love to write about a bond like that (which is also similar to the person-daemon bond in hdm) but it just feels very... uninspired or unoriginal?  i feel like i do have original things to say about it but i feel like no one would really find it interesting or original which is a huge mental obstacle to me and also why i don’t actually write - the aspects of what’s considered successful or interesting and how people view your creations, it’s terrifying to me (much more in writing than in drawing, which i’m more comfortable with) it also brings me back to the whole “well now that national service is behind you what are you gonna do with your life” shit that is getting thrown at me the last few days (mainly from my dad) and like... when i was in high school i reached the conclusion that i’m gonna be a teacher and studying education, that was the one thing that i was passionate about enough and that i could probably make a living out of but then i talked about it with my boss at the animal shelter and she said “i don’t think you’re capable of keeping that sort of timetable, having to come to school every morning, you’re terrible at that. you should freelance.” and damn does she know VERY well EXACTLY how bad i am with mornings and keeping times. and i realized that she was 100000% correct. so it brought me back to what i’m really passionate about in life. and basically all i can think of is 1. art and 2. animals. so i could go study art? which i was kind of seriously considering to do (it was like, study art for fun, then go study education as a career). and i even looked up how much tuition costs and requirements and everything. but when i shared it with my mom she repeated something i knew very well but tried not to think about - you don’t make money with art. not really. you can try. some people do. but it’s hard and you can very easily just fail.  which kind of brings me back to my fear of my creations just not being interesting or original enough to anyone. so there’s animals - i could study training. for both dogs and cats. i’ve had a year and a half of experience in this world so far, i don’t intend to quit it anyway, i’m passionate about it. i could make it into a job. it’s certainly very freelance-y. there are a lot of dog trainers, but not many cat experts. obviously my techniques would be exclusively force free. i think i could absolutely make it work, social anxiety and all - it’s much easier for me when there are animals involved. i could even study animal behavior at uni as bonus. having that kind of credentials would make advertising myself even easier. honestly what’s mainly stopping me from proudly taking this route in life is that i feel like my parents that this kind of job is stupid and not a serious career and that i can’t live off it. and right now it’s making me hesitate. they had a similar attitude back when it seemed like i was gonna drop high school. then i finished high school. but this seems bigger. it’s my life, my job, my first job. so naturally i’m anxious as fuck. i can also mention yet again that i have this stupid passion for acting and this nagging need in the back of my head to just try it out. it’s not a case of a childhood dream of being famous. it’s me in my teens getting seriously exposed to tv shows for the first time in my life and suddenly realizing the fascinating subtleties in acting. how it’s a different kind of storytelling. mainly the part that involves portraying subtle emotions is what really fascinates and draws me. and i used to be really good at reading out loud during school, not just saying words but telling a story and conveying emotions. i can’t help but feeling super drawn to it. but it’s acting. it’s The Job that 0.1 percent of the population can even hope to succeed in. especially in a tiny country like this. especially when it’s me, a 21 year old (too old to start, maybe? it’s always about people doing this since they were kids), who can’t sing, with ever-nagging social anxiety, and above all - fat, ugly, repulsed makeup and jewelry - the antichrist of the glam world of acting. so yeah. i’ll keep dreaming about giving it a chance. and it won’t happen. also i guess i’m drawn to translating as well but that’s a world i know almost nothing about and for some reason doesn’t seem to me like a life-sustaining kind of job. like at all. which is why i never bothered even looking into it. although at this point maybe i should honestly. anyway i guess the point of this whole train of thought vent thing is that i’m at a crossroads in my life which is a point i haven’t been in in a very long time and just like last time i feel utterly fucking terrified and under a lot of fucking pressure. and i just needed to spill it out. it didn’t help much in terms of making my thoughts any clearer or anything. but there’s small relief in knowing it’s not exclusively just inside my head anymore. and yeah feeling lost is Fun

[conspiracieys-archive]

4, 12, 26 for beau!!

4. Give us a summary of their backstory.ok uh. lets start. he was born in 2042. so by 2077, he was 35. in 2060 he was 18 and a college kid. in 2064 he was 22. his active duty started in 2066 and ended in 2072.

Beauregard ‘Beau’ Smith was born to a poor family. He wasn’t a genius by any standards, but he worked his ass off in school because his parents told him that they needed him to do his best so he would be able to take care of himself when he was older. (that was their thing. ‘you were an accidental pregnancy but because of our personal religious beliefs we were not going to get rid of you. we love you so much, Beau. we just want you to grow up and be happy and secure and we know it’s very difficult for us to provide that. you need that scholarship money to get a good life.’ they were very honest with him.)

but as he went thru school, specifically high school, he realized that... maybe there were more options out there for him besides college? esp cause of the state of the goddamn world around him. everything was falling to shit by the time he graduated college i mean?? everything was just. hell in a hand basket. and, while he wasn’t a genius, Beau wasn’t a damn idiot and he decided he was not going to go to college. he was going to enroll in the army and serve his country in this desperate time.

he initially enrolled in the Reserve and was able to go to college for four years. (he majored in PoliSci and minored in psych) but when the state of the world got worse, he decided against furthering his college education and enrolled in active duty in the army. his service length was for the full 6 years and that was... some fucked up time for him. the army used his brains a lot, from his degrees and natural smarts, 2 plan attacks on other countries and shit. and they eventually took advantage of his dedication to serving his country by putting him thru a lot of training for, specifically, being a sniper and put him in the field a lot for that too.

at the end of his service, he was ?? discharged? i honestly dont fucking know how the army works so writing Beau is a lot of research. but idk. he might have been put back in Reserve after his service? i just know after his 6 years of being on active duty, he was then relegated to desk duty and he didn’t have to live on a military base. so he decided to move to Sanctuary Hills, far away from his job (had a long ass commute to the base but it was ok. he didn’t want to stay close. he needed space. needed a break.) and he had hoped to maybe.. meet some friends. maybe something more. he did make a couple friends whom he was actually just friends with benefits with but never made a romantic connection bc of ptsd

between 2072 and 2077, he waffled a lot about re-enrolling into active duty. he wanted to, but there was just a bad feeling in his gut about it. (not about serving his country. because Beau is very patriotic. but just. about being in active duty, away from his home in Sanctuary.)

in August of 2077, he received an unexpected visit from someone he hardly knew. Nora Asher and her son, Shaun Asher, were on his doorstep. Shaun was crying and Nora was carrying 2 large duffel bags. it turned out Nora’s husband, Wyatt Asher, one of the people Beau had served with, had become violent as a result of unmanaged ptsd and Nora needed a place to stay for a couple months while she got everything together to file for divorce. Beau opened his home to her as long as she needed and converted his home gym into a nursery and gave up his room to Nora, sleeping on the couch instead.

In September, Nora was able to get Codsworth from Wyatt and Codsworth took to Beau so well that Beau was almost sad to think the three of them would be leaving come the new year.

(obviously that never happened. because the war peaked. the nukes dropped. and Beau watched Nora get shot and her kid get stolen and ?? he hated seeing someone being taken advantage of like that. he hated it so fucking much. he’s gonna avenge them both, just wait. he will avenge Nora and Shaun Asher, even if he didn’t know them that well.)

12. What are they most insecure about?fuck i ... i honestly don’t know? let’s find out together.my initial thought was that he’s just... insecure about his worth. like he was valued pre-war for his mind a lot so like. in the Wasteland when there is no one to put his mind to use aside from himself, he feels worthless. he likes having something to do. he likes having his mind occupied with things bigger than him. (it’s why he joined the army, after all. he wanted to feel useful. wanted to be a part of something so much larger than him. wanted to be an active participant in the cogs of his world.) so (where i am gameplay and plot wise) he is just... incredibly insecure about his worth

26. How do they come off to others? What first impression do they usually make?this is so funny listen. Beau’s first impression to others is.... just weird. he wears weird clothes to get the upper hand in a convo. he likes to throw people off. and he doesn’t... come off any less weird once you get to know him, either. he’s... a very quiet personality. like, intense. he stares a lot and doesn’t speak more than he has to. so like. overall he just comes off as weird and intense. the guy in the flower romper and leather armor and the gas mask just quietly hovering at the edges of conversation, watching.

[glumnet-blog]

via Vace

correct me if im wrong but i dont think u ever had to experience the mandatory joys of hebrew school. maybe u did i forget i dont want to make you too jealous here but  i went to hebrew school on thursdays and sundays from 7-14 years old.  hebrew school lasted for just a couple of hours but it felt excruciatingly longer than that.  hebrew school was just like going to school, on top of goin to regular, grade school during the week. that is a ratio of 2 schools to every 1 week!  only a generous masochist would send their child to 2 different schools right?   i think it was worse than regular school though, bc i simply didn't have friends there.  the only vivid encounter i remember with a peer before 5th grade was with Lucas in the second grade, whom my mom delicately tried to pair us together in order to have our conversational sparks ignite, over a luigi video game, like she was trying to start a fire in the wilderness out of uninterested rock and twig.  lucas had a 7 year old mullet and had a lot of confidence.  i didn't like either of those things.  especially the mullet shit bc i was a rat tail or die kind of 7 year old.  after my mom literally accompanied me to hebrew school for awhile and the other kids thought i had special needs, she tried the opposite approach.  she hired the UC berkeley student hebrew school teacher to come tutor me once a week for an hour. this was pretty fucking weird.  my hebrew school was pretty lax and progressive.  in retrospect i realize the institution of the temple sinai hebrew school is much more about socializing with other jewish kids and pretending to memorize the va'haf'tah (or actually memorizing it if you're hannah sternberg and like to impress the rabbi) then to actually embed the jewish youth into intense and arduous jewish centered academia.  so having hairy 21 year old Noam awkwardly sit next to me at my kitchen table and timidly correct my mispronunciations of hebrew words was all a wash if you will.  but my mom was a stubborn mom who wanted her son to carry on the 'teachings of our ancestors' a forcefully sentimental phrase that makes you feel like a melodramatic bible scholar whenever u say it out loud.  thankfully these at home sessions didn't last long because of Noam's scheduling problems.  so for the rest of the fourth grade i was free of hebrew school.  but sooner or later fifth grade rolled around and my parents threatened me with no screen time for a month if i didn't go in. no screen time was a punishment way worse than death so i relented.    

i think it was at this first day of fifth grade hebrew school that shit changed.  2 things changed specifically. 1) i made nate laugh and 2) i made julia laugh.  when i wrote earlier i didn't have any friends in hebrew school i mean like i didn't even have acquaintances.  like i lethargically walked into class, pretended to be invisible for 2 hours, hid the bathroom during break times and waited impatiently after class on the sidewalk scouring the downtown oakland avenues for the plain yet angelic white of my moms 1995 honda oddesey.  i had made people laugh before at regular school i guess .  but there was something different about making hebrew school people laugh... i had somehow broken the social engima of this institution i had distain for, for so long.  not only that... it was a different kind of laugh ... at least coming from nate. i didnt just make nate laugh i made that motherfucker crack up.  watching him laugh was like watching a firecracker go off. like i got him in trouble from the teacher he was laughing so hard and uncontrollably.  making julia laugh was different.  she didnt crack up like nate.  but her laughter was genuine nonetheless and just as euphoric. it felt like whatever i imagine heroin to be everytime i saw her begin to open her mouth and smile and vibrate her whole head because of something i had said.  within the space of 2 hours i had acquired my first hebrew school friend and first hebrew school crush.  i was a fucking social millionaire....i would call this period of time, 5th grade, the golden age.   i could make nate laugh consistently and julia was a similarly consistent vessel to validate my 5th grade ego.  i was closer with nate bc we were both boys , and julia already had a very insular and exclusive trio which was not accepting new members.  herself, hannah, and arielle (who demanded to be called ari which i always was irritated by  she was a fake ari.  her real name was arielle! she was a fraud, imposter! my full name is ari.  i am the real ari.  stupid aside)....time pushed forward and 6th grade began.  several important dynamics changed in 6th grade.  the friends of nate who went to his real, 5 day a week school (st pauls) had been assigned to our 6th grade class.  additionally, puberty was pretty vivaciously in affect and thus social hierarchies were further matured as well as a recognition of elementary sexual thoughts and feelings.  i continued to make nate laugh but i felt like my secret companion was bein taken away by his St paul friends.  in order to combat this i tried to befriend all his friends.  something i learned then and throughout my life almost never works.... attempting to pass as an insider in a group where u are and always be an outsider.   i could make nates friend laugh a little bit but they were much more fond of making each other laugh.  also because they went to school with each other nathaniel (different than my friend nate) and jackson had an air of superiority and seniorirty over me.  even in the 6th grade i think i could detect this kind of unspoken social heirachy at play.  and with julia other guys were starting to make her laugh at hebrew school.  if you want to talk about social heirarchy she was definetly the queen of our class.   as puberty progressed the less cool i became.   bc my only claim to fame socially was humor , but i didnt understand all the other shit.  like dressing cool, talking cool, walking cool., etc.   that otther shit became important in middle school if not the rest of my life... because of this, and the fact im just a fucking shmuck at the end of the day , made julia talk to me less.  and with less talking came less laughing.  nate and julia's laugh was to special to me during this time just less frequent... and therefore more rare.  so when i did get it  from them it felt all that much better.

thhere was a point there end of 5th grade start of 6th grade i looked forward to hebrew school. i looked  forward to sitting down in the creaky, plastic black chairs in room 04 and whispering to nate about how ugly our teacher was.  i looked forward to playing tic tac toe with julia in the art room instead of drawing menorahs, and arguing with her about who had the ineferior tic tac toe skills (she did i got XXX like almost everytime ok) .  i even started to like  the fucking moldy, bookish smell of the temple because i associated it with having good times with julia and nate.

in the 7th grade my connections with nate and julia fell apart uninterestingly and sharply .  my friendships were fading with nate and julia before the year even started ....but of course with 7th grade we entered mid'rasha.  mid'rasha is just hebrew school for teenagers, explained my mom on teh car  ride over to my first mid rasha class.  that may be true for my mom but for me mid rasha was a new world.  a world i did not want to reside in.  midrasha was different in many ways, it was at night, it lumped in loud, sparkly 17 year olds with unsure, gangly 13 year olds in the same room, it was a different bigger campus, it was off.  clqiues were formed immiedatly and it was obvious i was not in the st pauls group.  the group nate was in.  i didnt even see julia at all i think she was   being ultra extroverted befriending the royalty that was 17 year olds who wore sean john and listened to MGMT before it was cool ( this was 2007) .  i went to naybe 5 or 6 mid rashas but i understood the jig was up.  i was no longer a funny person in the room nevermind the funniest in the room.  the teachers were young  attractive college students who you couldnt fun of at all for being ugly.  i wasnt even in the same elective as nate anymore so i couldnt whisper ' ruby is ugly' even if i wanted to.   1 time i did have an art class with Julia.  but now as an ambitious and earnest 13 year old she tackled the assignment sincerely.  i saw her drawing these detailed portraits i thought were gross because they reeked of being  a try-hard.  i just wanted to play tic tac toe.

i stopped going to mid rasha and i didnt see nate or julia again for a while. i didnt see nate until i was a junior in HS and i took the SATs at the high school nate attended.  when we were all getting checked in i saw him at a circular lunch table with his st paul friends.  i walked by him to say hello.  we gave each other a stoic and cold ' whats up dude '  .

the next time i saw julia was at my high school school sponsored dance.  at the time i was nervous as shit bc i did not know how much i would have to dance with my then girlfirend, what kind of dance i would have to do, if i should get mad at other guys dancing with her etc.  a bunch of high school dance inspired neuroses were blossoming in my head.   i was suprised as a motherfucker when i walked into the high school lobby and saw julia sitting a dinky plastic table checking students in.   i remember my brain being blank with confusion.  i walked up to her to get checked in.  she said hi ari with a smile.  the kind of trained smile a social butterfly has deployed many a time.  it was an impersonal smile.  it was warm and cold at the same time.  i said hello took my ticket and left without any small talk or acknowledgement of our hebrew school connection.   i went on to dance with my girlfriend a little but to mostly stand around and pep talk boris into making a move on yael.

i have not  seen either of them since.  i had a dream last night i was in hebrew school in the 6th grade.  julia was sitting across the class room.  she was mad i was looking at her and mouthed for me to stop.  nate was sitting next to me like he normally did in the 5th and 6th grade.  but he wasnt trying to exchange goofy remarks with me about all the flaws of the teacher.  instead he was listening attentively.  i leaned into to whisper somthing but he waved his hand faintly.  he was not to be disturbed

in sophmore year of high school my 'mentor' relayed to me that she was getting reports from teachers that i was exhibiting disturbing and unproductive behavior. disturbing and unproduvtive behavior? i thought.   i was just tryna get motherfuckers to laugh.  i was trying to chase the high of the first time i made nate cry.  i was trying to recreate the time julia was so approving of whatever joke i had made she rubbed my leg as an appreciating gesture and said youre soooo funny.  i never was able to recreate those highs in high school.  that kind of blind temporary euphoria stayed untapped, stored in my memories of hebrew school. my mentor said it was problematic that i was so loud and disruptive in class.  she understood i liked to horse around but she argued ' thats not the real you ari.  we both know you are better than that.  the real you is working hard , studying hard, respectful of teachers and avoiding distrations in class.  this class clown act you put on isnt the real you'  

that kind of pep talk , even at the time , felt weird to me.  who are you , some distant authoratative figure i meet with twice a month , to tell me who i am and who i am not.  and much more importantly beyond that, you tell me my true identity is attached to some golden scholar who wouldnt dare partake in the low life humor of classroom banter.  everything about academia makes me ripe with disgust and disinterest.  the only reason why school has been bareable at all is the social aspect.  making people laugh

during junior year of high school i went through my first break up , i cut friends off , friends cut me off, i went to my first funeral, i had an anxiety attack in jerasulem (symbolic of my relationship with judaism....in my opinoin) i felt increasingly alienated from my wealthy and narrow minded private school brethren, started smoking weed every night before bed and so on .  my mood was bad all the time, i was tired, and the last last last thign i wanted to do was to go to school.  this i now realize is my first bouts of Depression (dun dun duuunnnn).  

it is senior year of highh school now.  the students check in for the first time with their mentors.  my mentor relays to me personal behavioral report -  teachers now view me as quiet and respectful.    teachers are somewhat cognizant of my general apathy towards what is in front of me, but complimentary of my willingness  to put my head down and do the school work given to me.  my mentor is smiling and exclaiming ' see ari you did it!  this is the real you.  this is the hard working and respectful guy i know you have always been.  you dont have time for distractions you have higher priorities now' .  i just wanted the meeting to be over so i nodded my head rapidly in agreement.  however in my mind i thought the current version of myself teachers are describing could not  be further from the real  me.  the real me is still at temple sinai room 04 sitting in those cheap, creaky black chairs.  the real me is shaking nate's arm bc i just thought of a joke about the how ugly the spoken version of hebrew sounds to a non native speaker.   the real me is singing stronger by kanye in an obnxious robotic way , parodying the chorus in order to get julia to chuckle.  the real me has not been seen for or heard from for a while.  the new me is content with surviving the day without any interaction with peers.  the new me doesnt want to be seen.  the real me is still poking julia's shoulder, waiting for her to turn her head