#it’s just me my serotonin purchases against the world

[inklore]

peace just feels restored when you have a package on the way. the air hits different. the sun shines a little brighter. the bird chirp a little louder.

[winterscaptain]

directors commentary on mistletoe please!!!!

as promised - here it is! all the text of mistletoe is there, with my commentary in bold italics :)

“Merry Everything, Dave!” You accept a glass of champagne and a kiss from Rossi as you step into the house, and cross over to Emily by the dining room table to pick up a little snack. Aaron’s in the dining room with JJ, setting the table with the boys (who have been here since the early afternoon). He brought your food with his earlier in the day, and all of it is in the fridge waiting to go on the table.

Tonight is the big Christmas Eve dinner, and the rest of the festivities happen the day after Christmas, when the team and the kids get together to open their presents from each other. 

Crossing to the doorway with Emily, you linger at the edge of the kitchen. 

“Oh hell yeah!” Emily crows, looking up in response to JJ’s pointed look and grin - the mistletoe smiles down at you with its red bow, hanging from the doorway. She takes your face in one of her strong, gentle hands and plants a very real, very chaste kiss on your lips. You laugh and clink your champagne glass with hers. “Merry Christmas!” 

“Merry Christmas, Em.” 

This scene popped fully formed into my head the second I thought of a holiday fic. I was like “oh absolutely Emily is going to have a field day with this.” 

I originally had about seven different mini-scenes with different team members getting caught under the mistletoe, but I thought it best to stay focused in this really critical part of the story. I’ll include them in future fics, for sure!

+++

Jack runs up to you and you catch him when he jumps, swinging him in a circle. He’s almost too tall (and if anyone asks, he’s six, so he’s a big boy now), but you figure you should savor whatever you get while it lasts. He latches on to you and you let him hang off your hip as you walk back into the living room.

There’s nothing I love more than Jack just glomming onto Reader or any other team member. It’s like an instant hit of serotonin. 

 You perch with him on the edge of the sofa next to Derek, who’s entertaining Henry with a couple of excellent fire trucks. 

This little picture here was straight out of a hallmark movie. I wanted to go into more detail, but I felt like it got bogged down. Basically, Derek’s sitting on the end of the sofa, leaning against the arm, while Henry’s basically sitting on his feet playing with the trucks. He’s minding Henry, leaning down every once in a while. Reader comes and sits on the arm, leaning against Derek, Jack-in-lap. 

All in all, very cute. 

When you catch JJ’s eye, she grins and looks up. Lo and behold, a sprig of mistletoe is tracked to the ceiling over your head. Jack follows your gaze and looks at you with a little question in his eyes. 

In hushed tones, you explain. “So, Jack, there’s a tradition where if you land under mistletoe with someone,” you point at the little plants, scattered all over the arches, light fixtures, and random parts of the ceiling, “you give each other a kiss.”

He looks at you, wide eyed. 

“Because it’s you and me, you don’t have to kiss on the lips like the grown ups do. We can give each other a hug or kiss each other on the cheek or anything you want.”

He sits back in your arms, thinking. Finally deciding, “I want to do what the grown ups do.”

Of course. 

You smile at him and wait for him to come to you, which he does. He pecks you on the lips and immediately dissolves into giggles. You tuck him under your chin with a hand on the back of his head, rocking back and forth a little in your own laughter.  

Writing kids is one of my favorite things. There’s something so magical about how delighted they are by so much of the world around them. 

You look at Aaron over Jack’s head, finding him with a soft smile and beer in his hand. 

Don’t give yourself away. Your smile says. 

His eyes flicker up in an almost-eye roll and he takes a sip of his drink. I’m allowed to look at my kid. 

You give him that one, and it’s a good enough cover. 

The way I pictured this little tableau was completely in the third person, maybe from Emily or Dave’s POV? Like someone on the other side of the room just sees them staring at each other, clearly having a sub-social conversation and completely oblivious to the people around them.

It’s almost like the image of a duel. Reader’s on one side of the room with Jack, and Aaron is on the other side, leaning against something (maybe another couch, maybe a fireplace, idk. I always kind of picture Dave’s mansion as my childhood friend Maddie’s house. idk.) and it’s so clear they only have eyes for each other. 

It does, however, escape your notice that Dave and Emily have put their heads together, whispering. 

“They look a proper family, don’t they?” Dave asks. 

Emily nods. “I think they’ve been one for a while, they just don’t know it yet.”

“Give them a little credit. They might know something.”

Emily snorts, and Dave relents. 

“Alright, maybe that’s too much credit.”

The ongoing motif of the team trying to sus out if they’ve admitted their feelings to THEMSELVES - not even each other - is one of my favorite parts of this series. Aaron and Mom have them so thoroughly fooled without even trying, just by being repressed idiots who habitually steamroll their own feelings. 

+++

“Uh oh, Hotch.” JJ grins, her gaze flickering first to Will, then Emily. 

You look up and find mistletoe over your heads, hanging from the pot rack above the island. 

He looks at you, shrugs, and you kiss each other on the cheek like it’s nothing. 

He’s such a shit. 

This is the first moment of this fic that popped into my head. All I wanted was for them to play coy under the mistletoe and for Emily to tease them within an inch of their lives before they almost give themselves away. 

“Oh come on Hotch, you can do better than that. I did!” Emily smirks at him. “A real kiss. C’mon.”

For the sake of the game, you look up at him, playing at shyness, and say, “You don’t have to, it’s okay.”

He rolls his eyes and takes your face in his hands, pressing a soft, surprisingly deep, close-mouthed kiss to your lips. Looking up at Emily, he quirks an eyebrow. “Happy?”

There’s this little moment where they totally get lost in each other. I didn’t explicitly write it in, but it’s kind of in-between the lines. They have to remind themselves of the eyes watching them, because kissing each other has become so part of their life :’)

They were so deprived for so long that every time is like the first time. 

Her cheeks are pink and she feels like she’s just stepped over some kind of line, but doesn’t know what or where it is. She recovers. “Much better.” Hopping off the counter, she retreats to the living room, leaving you alone with Aaron in the kitchen. 

“I think you nearly killed her with that,” you say, picking up your glass of water from the counter. 

He shrugs. “We’ve done worse, don’t you think?”

Your mind wanders to the night before, and heat shoots through you. “But they don’t know about that.” 

Heated brown eyes look down at you, and you shift a little in your chair. “Yeah, but I do.” 

That was another line of dialogue that I was itching to include. I’d had it in the outtakes for ages, and was so excited to finally find a home for it. 

Before you can respond, Jack runs up to you and tugs on your shirt, calling your name until you kneel in front of him. 

“What’s up, bud?” 

“I have a secret question for you,” he says, very matter-of-fact. 

Your eyebrows raise and you lift him up onto the counter so you can meet his eye. “A secret question?”

He nods, cupping his hands around his mouth and whispering into your ear. “Are you and me and dad having another sleepover tonight?”

You look at Aaron for a second before placing your hands around your mouth to reply. “Maybe. We have to see how tired we are after the party. Can you ask your dad a little later?”

He nods, but your hands stay put - there’s more to say. His little hands reach for you, resting lightly around your wrists as he leans into you.

“Hey, I’m really proud of you for asking me in a secret way. I know you and your dad talked about how our sleepovers are something we keep special just for the three of us, and I really appreciate your mindfulness tonight.” You lean back and kiss his forehead. “Super proud of you, bug.”

Establishing the kinship between Reader and Jack is super important to me. Parental, yet with different boundaries than Jack has with Aaron. This was one of the more parent-child moments, where Aaron can really see that Reader is becoming someone Jack trusts, someone who fills a similar role to himself in Jack’s life. 

He grins at you and jumps off the counter, running back to the train he’s building with Henry - the annual ridiculous purchase from Uncle Rossi to keep the kids entertained while the adults actually enjoy Christmas Eve. 

“What was that about?”

“Your son is just like you, you know that?”

He takes a sip of his beer. “How so?”

“He’s good at keeping secrets.”

There was more to this, but I honestly can’t remember what I cut here. It might have been another kiss, but I figured it was too risky and careless, even for them, at this stage of the game. 

+++

You’re all called to dinner about an hour later, with Dave giving the first toast. Penelope, ever the saint, sits with Jack and Henry at the kids table behind you with her cup of spiked apple juice. 

Aaron sits across from you, with the excuse of keeping an eye on Jack, and you’ve already engaged in one ridiculous game of footsie under the table. 

“My friends, my family. Another year comes to a close and it only feels right to acknowledge how wonderful it is to have everyone back where they belong.” Dave looks at Emily, whose face warms, and Aaron, who offers a small smile. “Tonight, let us drink to our family, to forgiveness, and the year ahead.” He raises his glass. “Salut.”

“Hiding in Plain Sight” is one of my favorite tropes, and I engineered this dinner scene to capitalize on that as much as I could. 

This scene originally wasn’t in here at all, but I felt that the fic was too short, so I played around with a couple of things before I added this one. I love that canon gives us so much to play with by way of big family dinners, and I was excited to embrace an opportunity to put my own spin on it. 

There will be more of these in the future!

“Salut!” The rest of the table starts clinking glasses, and you smile widely at Aaron as the neck of his beer bottle taps against your champagne flute. He winks at you as you both drink. 

It really is a family affair - everyone reaches over one another and shouts to pass dishes and refills nearby glasses without being asked. Spencer, beside you, surprises you by resting his head on your shoulder between dinner and dessert. You wrap an arm around him and kiss the top of his head, happy to accept his rare show of affection. 

Emily stands, and you direct your attention to her as he makes another toast, talking about how much she loves all of you, how thankful she is to be home, and how she never once takes you for granted. 

Spencer doesn’t move from under your arm, but Derek extends his arm over the back of Spencer’s chair, and his thumb brushes against the back of your arm. You smile at him over Spencer’s head. 

I love a touchy-feely moment, you know?

When you look across the table at Aaron, he looks well and truly happy. 

+++

A sleeping Jack slumps against your chest and over your shoulder as you say your goodbyes. Aaron has both his and his son’s sport coats over his arm and some leftovers balanced in his palm. 

When kids absolutely crash on people they love, my heart melts. I just imagine a little wilted Jack completely draped over Reader - boneless and totally out cold. I almost added a scene of how he got there (he fell asleep on his dad on the couch, but dad had to help clean up because he’s Aaron, so Jack got shuffled over to Reader), but I couldn’t quite get the flow of the evening in all the right places, so it was cut. 

Derek kisses your cheek and wishes you a Merry Christmas and sweet dreams. Penelope kisses Jack’s forehead and presses a palm to your shoulder. You’re covered in love and kisses and wrapped in hugs on your way out the door. 

I call this The Greek Goodbye - but of course other cultures have this same phenomenon, where all the grown-ups put their coats and shoes on and still they stand around for thirty minutes saying goodbye and giving hugs and kisses and then everyone pours out on to the porch and they all stand around and talk some more and then someone finally gets in the car but they roll their window down etc. etc. etc. and suddenly its an hour and a half later and you haven’t actually left. 

When you finally make it out onto the porch, Aaron’s hand hovers over your back as you step down the stairs to his SUV in the driveway. You, of course, drove separately, and will have to pour Jack into his carseat before you can go on your way. 

You’re going to the same place, but the team doesn’t need to know that. 

Jack barely stirs as you pull the seat belt around him. You pull the coats from Aaron’s arm and tuck them under his head, gingerly shutting the door after making sure he’s all propped up. 

You turn toward Aaron, facing the house as you embrace. There are three heads looking at you (with about as much subtlety as a brick to the face) out the living room window. They think they’re slick, but they can’t see Aaron’s hand creep up the back of your shirt or his mouth as he whispers. “I’ll see you at home.” 

I didn’t really realize how heavily this implied that they moved in together?  What I tried to emphasize was the idea that home is wherever Aaron and Jack are, not necessarily the apartment itself. 

The commentary that got excited about the fact that they’re moving in together did inspire me to get them to move in together, so then there’s that. Just another way yall inspire me and change this story around little by little with every installment :)

+++

Jack wakes you both early the next morning and you’re dragged by the hand into the living room while Aaron trails behind you both.

Little kids opening presents is truly a nightmare for any parent (or parent’s significant other) trying to get some of that good good before starting the day. 

They were SOL this morning, but don’t worry - they get what they’re after eventually. They always do. 

“Alright, Jack. What did you ask for?”

His lips press together, and he takes in the reasonable stack of presents under the tree. “I asked for a few things, but I wanted to ask for something else.”

“Oh yeah? What’s that?” You sit next to him, your legs folded under you, and put your arm around his waist while he loops his arms around your shoulders. Aaron’s taken up residence on the couch behind you, a trash bag in his hand. 

So efficient. 

Jack whispers into your ear, and his words bring a little smile to your face. 

Nobody ask me what Jack actually asked for verbatim, because I have no idea. It was probably like “I want us all to be a family” or “i want you to live with us all the time” or something like that, but that’s only fast and loose with the idea of it. 

I let the implications do all the talking, here. 

“I think that’s something you need to ask your dad for, bud.” 

His brow wrinkles. You nod encouragingly, turning him around and sending him to a very confused Aaron. Jack climbs up on the couch, and Aaron’s arms automatically wrap around him as he leans into his father’s side. He whispers, presumably, the same thing he said to you, judging from the little smile that pulls at the corner of Aaron’s mouth. 

“Yeah, Jack. I think I can make that happen. Let’s talk about it some more tomorrow, yeah?” 

Jack grins and jumps back down to you, looking over at his dad. “Can I open presents, now?”

Aaron nods, giving Jack permission to immediately tear into the bigger boxes under the tree. You rise and cross back to Aaron. He offers you his arm as you sit and you loop yours through his, holding onto the sleeve of his shirt - long-sleeved, on account of the weather. 

Another Hallmark moment. This pose is always so cinematic to me, with one partner leaning on the other, arms looped, holding hands or holding onto the base partner’s clothes. Ugh. So cute. 

I sit like this with my mom all the time, so it’s kind of the default posture when I write two people who love each other sitting close together. 

“Did Jack tell you what else he wanted?”

Aaron tips his head to your shoulder, pressing a kiss to it before resting his temple against you. That’s enough of an answer for you. More cheating by not answering the question, Tali!! Nice!! Your cheek presses into his hair and you watch Jack unearth LEGO sets and a new bike helmet from his dad, and a new soccer ball with a practice net from you. He gets a couple more LEGO sets and a Wii game from his Aunt Jess. 

He’s thrilled with his haul, and he forces you both down to the floor to open your presents. 

From Jack, you get a framed photo. Jess took it while Aaron was in Pakistan and it’s one of your favorites. You’re both curled up in his bed wearing pajamas, reading a book together. His head rests under your chin, his arm around your waist as he falls asleep against you.

“Auntie Jess said you’d like that one and I picked the frame all by myself.” 

You smile up at him, opening your arms. He tucks into you and informs you it’s Dad’s turn. 

With your help, he put together a little scrapbook that covered the five months Aaron was away, as well as fun little photos of the two of them over the years. Aaron’s visibly affected, his right hand resting lightly over his mouth as he flips through the pages. 

The fact that we never actually got to see the home-life aftermath of Pakistan deSTROYED ME. So, I fixed it. 

His eyes are a little shiny when he looks at you first, then Jack. “Thanks, bud. I love it.” 

Jack smiles widely at him. “Look in the back!” 

In the back, indeed, is a new tie - royal blue, with tiny paisley detailing in white. You’re sure he has another one just like it in red, but narrow variety is the spice of life, right?

I got my dad ties for Christmas and his birthday for like...10 years straight. It’s wild that he pretended to like every single one. That’s love. 

Aaron opens his arms, and Jack scrambles off your lap and into his. They sit together for a minute, and you take the time to consolidate the rest of the presents. Four remain - two for you and two for Aaron. 

Jack shoves one of your gifts from Aaron at you, and you grin as you take it in your hands. It’s a little heavy, but fits neatly in your hands. You open it, and laugh out loud at what you find. 

A new ankle holster...you’re kidding. 

Shoutout to Kira for this gift idea!! @good-heavens-chris-evans

“Aaron, thank you!” 

He huffs a laugh. “It’ll fit your Baretta - I know your old one was a little loose since you changed over from the Glock.” 

You nod. “Very thoughtful. I love it.”

At Aaron’s prompting, Jack passes you the second box. This one is small, oblong, and thin. You carefully tear the paper, and find a smooth wooden box, beautiful on its own, inside. Squinting skeptically at Aaron, you open the lid. Its contents take your breath. A simple, stunning bracelet with little green stones twinkles at you, nestled in wrapping paper inside the box. 

The bracelet was a total fluke idea, and I just ran with it. I’m now ridiculously attached to it and it will become some kind of symbolic device as we move forward, I think. 

“I found it at a market in Pakistan - it’s from Turkey, originally,  and thought you’d like it,” I’m Greek, so it hurt me a lil to make the bracelet from Turkey. However, thousands of years of tense relations don’t undermine the quality of Turkish silver - that shit is unmatched. I’ll never own any myself, but I can admire it from afar.  he says. He reaches for the box and you hand it over, stunned into silence. Taking your wrist in his hand, he puts it on for you. The early-morning light through the window and the string lights from the tree reflect off of it. A little smile plays at his mouth. “To my knowledge, it’s handmade.” 

You take a shaky breath, still looking at it. “Thank you. It’s beautiful.”

He ducks his head, almost shy, and you transfer your attention to his presents to save him the scrutiny. Jack, still the designated distributor, pulls the larger of Aaron’s presents toward him. It’s a decent-sized box, and Aaron leaves it on the floor to unwrap, neatly folding the paper as he goes. 

It’s a new go bag, with about a million pockets, wheels on one side, and kevlar lining. It won’t ever tear or break or otherwise fail him. You found it after seeing the state of his bag upon his return from Pakistan - the poor thing was basically in shreds, and he’d been making do with a backpack and a dumb little duffle ever since. 

I spare a thought for Aaron’s go bag every time I watch It Takes a Village because my God does that thing see some use. 

So, just like the rest of it, I’ve fixed that, too. 

The second of the two gifts is much smaller, and almost embarrassingly sentimental. He opens it, slipping the ribbons off and neatly tearing at the tape lines. 

You see his sharp inhale before you hear it. He pats Jack’s shoulder, and the boy returns to your lap. His hands trace over the cover, opening it and reading the notes inside. The first, in blue pen, is his own handwriting. 

Miss Haley Brooks, 

Happy 25th Birthday, my darling. I figured it was high time you had a copy of my favorite novel. A selfish gift, sure, but at least I mailed it on time this year. 

Love you. Miss you. A. Hotch, 1995

In the original, these are all written in different fonts! Aaron’s was Architect’s Daughter, Haley’s was Dancing Script, and Reader’s wasn’t any different from the body text. 

Then, below it, in an elegant black scrawl: 

Happy Birthday, Newbie!

Hotch told me you were looking for new reading material for the plane, so I figured I’d give you both a book and a key to Hotch’s good side, all in one. 

Enjoy 25! I sure did. 

Good luck! Haley, 2007

Finally, a new note, dated December 25th, 2011. 

Aaron - 

Thought it was time for this to come home. Merry Christmas.

I love you. 

It’s the paperback copy of Catch-22 he gave Haley for her 25th birthday, when he was working for the US Attorney’s office in Washington D.C. and she was still in her Master’s program. You’d kept it all these years, simultaneously unable to part with it and waiting for the right opportunity to return it to Aaron. 

I think Catch-22 is such an Aaron book. It’s nothing I can really eloquently articulate, but the energy is very much Hotch to a T for me. 

This gift was EJ’s idea!! Thanks EJ!! @forgottenword

It was an ancient copy, and you suspected Aaron owned it long before he passed it on to Haley. 

Aaron’s still quiet. Jack’s still tucked into your lap.

“I didn’t know she gave it to you. I asked, and she told me she’d given it to a friend. Never thought to ask who.” His voice is quiet, almost reverent. He looks up at you, and you can definitely see the mist in his eyes now. “Thank you for this.” The book rises in his hand and he waves it a little before dropping it back in his lap. 

I also wanted to establish a little of Haley and Reader’s friendship here, however short-lived. I wanted the grief when we lost her to extend past Aaron and into their little family unit. I wanted to give Aaron someone who would understand the dynamics of Haley’s loss in a different way. 

You run your hands through Jack’s hair, your bracelet catching the light. 

+++

The rest of Christmas is fairly uneventful - you and Aaron handle breakfast with Jack, and Jessica stops by in the afternoon. You stop back at your house to make a couple of phone calls after dinner - touching base with the people you love where you can. 

When you return to the Hotchner apartment later that evening, Jack is already in bed. 

Aaron greets you with a kiss at the door and you spend a moment in his arms, your fingers resting lightly on his shoulders. The silence is peaceful, easy. 

He presses a series of kisses up your cheek and over your temple. You laugh, tucking into him to avoid the onslaught. 

Leaning back, you meet his eyes. “Good day?”

“Good day.” He smiles at you - one of those close-mouthed, squinty-eyed ones you love. “Ready for bed?”

This was one of those little moments for me. You know when people who love each other sometimes use really good, simple words to convey really big things? Yeah. That. 

There’s something on his mind, and you’re sure he’ll tell you once you get settled. You nod, letting him take you by the hand to the back bedroom. 

He shuts the door behind you and backs you into it, caging you in with his body. You kiss him, sucking lightly on his lower lip. His hands are everywhere, removing your clothes with a soft kind of reverence. 

There’s a sweetness when you fall into bed together, taking notes from the snow-laden night outside. It seems to be holding its breath - hushed and muted under a quiet sky. 

+++

He tosses you a pair of your pajama pants from the top drawer of his dresser after you shower and clean up (whether you re-dirtied yourselves in the shower is beside the point), and you settle into your learned rhythm. He gets into his pajamas while you brush your teeth, and then you switch. You inevitably land back in bed before he does, waiting for him as usual. 

More establishing the normalcy of their relationship!!! This was a super important addition to me - also added much later. It used to end at the section right before this, but I really wanted to show the way they operate together when nobody’s watching them and they’re safe at home. 

When he’s done in the bathroom, he throws himself on the bed beside you with a heavy sigh. 

“I can hear you thinking, Hotchner.” You roll toward him, tucking the covers up around your shoulders. 

He turns his head to look at you, lacing his fingers behind his head. There’s more going on behind his eyes than you originally thought, and you’d be nervous if you didn’t know better. “Did Jack tell you what else he wanted today?”

You nod, waiting on him. 

“What do you think?”

Scooting over, you curl up against him with your head on his chest. Even though he’s on top of the covers, he drops his arms, wrapping them around you. “I think he’s got the right idea.” 

“Yeah?”

“Mhmm.” 

He rolls over, and his lips are on yours before you can blink. With a surprised little noise, you smile against him and wind your fingers into his hair. It stays fairly slow, but that doesn’t stop the heat curling through your chest and belly. 

Haven’t you had enough? 

Never. Never. Never. 

You can’t help but enjoy him. He’s good at just about everything. “Aaron,” you whisper. Immediately, he pulls back, watching you with a knit brow. “What time is it?”

With a little laugh, he turns around to look at his bedside clock. “Just after one. Why?”

“Do you think we can remember the date?”

After I figured out they started dating on the 26th, I had to figure out how to fill the time between the evening of the 25th and the 26th. Initially, I was going to let them have this conversation over breakfast, but I also know these two never shut up when they’re in bed together, so it seemed as good a time as any. 

Also, I added some implied good-good grown-up time to fill the space between like...10pm and midnight. Sue me. 

You can tell he’s not exactly following, but he’s willing to hang in and figure it out. “December 26th? Yeah. Why?”

It’s ridiculous, but you feel suddenly shy. “I just think it’s an alright anniversary date, don’t you?”

Realization dawns on his face, and he attacks your lips again, unable to keep the smile out of his kisses. You laugh, throwing the covers off and climbing over him. You don’t really have an agenda, but the lack of contact after your romp was driving you nuts. He looks up at you, taking your face in his hands. “You wanna do this?”

You nod. “Yeah. I do.” 

“And you’re in it for the long haul with us, right?” You can see the nerves pulling at his brows, the latent insecurity creeping into his face. “Me and Jack?”

Say it with me, kids! Aaron is insecure about being an older, single dad and Reader must always reassure him at this point in their story. There’s more to come on that front, too. 

Soothing it as best you can, you reply. “Yeah. I’m in if you are, Aaron. For real. For you and Jack.” 

He takes a huge breath. With a start, you realize he’s not really able to speak. His lips press into a thin line, and for the third time that day, tears threaten at the corners of his eyes. 

Nothing shocks Aaron more than the idea that someone wants him, loves him, and wants to stay with him. Haley like...fucked him up. He’s also got some of that insecurity and doubt built into his character, so I like to thing even with Haley he didn’t feel good enough, or deserving. The way the divorce went down probably left him feeling like he was right all along. 

You drop down, laying yourself flush against him. “I love you, you big idiot.” 

Your ridiculous comment has the intended effect - he laughs a little. It’s watery, but he wraps his arms around you again and kisses the top of your head. “I love you so much.” 

“I’m so sorry it took me this long to make up my damn mind.” 

He shakes his head. “It’s okay. I’m just glad you did.” 

“I mean,” you continue, “I already kind of had my mind made up, but I was really scared it would become real real.” You tip your head up, propping your hands under your chin. “I forgive you for everything. I do. That’s really all I needed to figure out.” 

It’s also important to me to establish the way they fight and forgive each other - the push and pull of it. There’s a lot of that in life, and I wanted to demonstrate that as much as I could. 

One of the things I wanted to emphasize by keeping them in this kind of liminal state for a couple of months was the importance of trust. Reader didn’t completely trust Hotch when he got back from Pakistan, and that thought alone was super unnerving. So even the concept of a lack of trust deepened the problem itself, if that makes sense. (It’s one of those “if you have to ask” moments - like the very premise of the problem is actually the thing you have a problem with.) 

I have no idea if I’m making any sense at all lmao. 

He hauls you both up, and you find yourself straddling his lap with his hands laced together at your lower back. “Thank you.”

You frame his face with your hands, your fingers tracing over his cheekbones. Corrupting the silence of the moment seems wrong, and you’re afraid you’ll say something stupid if you open your mouth again. 

He leans forward, and you catch him, pressing your forehead against his. There are two words floating through his head, but they’re too much, too soon, too big. So, he settles for three. “I love you.” 

We picked up on what those two words were, right? It’s a big question, and it’ll happen eventually, but I wanted to lay the groundwork for how early on Hotch knew that he was done. It’s one of those Jim and Pam “I bought [the engagement ring] a week after we started dating.” 

He just knows. And that’s super cool. He won’t actually do it for another two years, but its super cool. 

+++

This scene was also a last minute addition because even with dinner, it still felt too short. 

The next afternoon, you pack up the car with Jack’s other present he gets to open with the family, as well as your present for Henry and another for Penelope. 

It’s tradition that you all draw names out of a hat for each other - there are far too many of you to get gifts for each other willy-nilly, so Aaron put a system in place after Penelope suggested it. That way, everyone gets one gift, and the kids get presents from all the grown ups. 

The kids are delighted, and the adults aren’t completely broke by the end of it. 

This is how we do Christmas presents in my family! There are so many cousins that we have to draw names or otherwise it gets ridiculous and people get offended lmao. 

Stepping back into Dave’s house for the second time in as many days, you were immediately bombarded by Henry, itching to get his hands on your present. 

“Alright, kiddo, you’ve got one here from me and one here from your Uncle Hotch, okay?”

He nods, taking both unwieldy boxes into his arms. On little legs, he trots over and places them under the tree. Aaron takes Jack’s and Penelope’s presents out of your hands and you snag Jack’s sleeve as he passes you, crouching beside him. 

“Remember what we talked about, right? We don’t want Henry to feel left out okay, so as far as he’s concerned, this is the first and only present you got from me this year, right?”

He nods, grinning. 

“Good boy.” You pat his shoulder, and he presses a lighting-quick kiss to your cheek before jetting off to the living room. 

It’s always fun to watch Jack and Henry open presents. They’re thrilled, and more than once Jack runs up to you to show off whatever he’s got. 

You’re on the arm of the couch beside Aaron, with Penelope on the floor at your feet and Derek in the chair next to you. Eventually, it’s time for the grown-ups to open their presents. 

Derek goes first, with a present from Spencer. Inside the beautifully-wrapped box (you suspect JJ’s handiwork) is a new pair of headphones. 

Penelope opens your present - a new feather-topped pen and a whimsical mug from a case in San Francisco a few months ago, as well as a new security key for her numerous external hard-drives. 

Emily gets a gorgeous maroon scarf from Penelope and gifts a new pistol grip and toolbox to Will, while JJ receives a bottle of her favorite expensive wine and a new set of frames for the photos on her desk from Aaron. 

JJ gets Aaron a new coffee maker for the apartment - he’s thrilled - and Spencer opens his first-edition copy of Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy from Dave with much fanfare. 

You open your box from Derek, and it’s a new set of fleece pajamas and a blanket for the plane. He leans into you, and you kiss the top of his head by way of thanks. 

Figuring out what to get everyone was a NIGHTMARE, but I am proud to say I did it all on my own!!!

The afternoon is full of leftovers and laughter. After much begging, the kids wiggle another Christmas movie out of their parents, and you settle in for the duration. 

Aaron covers you in a blanket as the sun sets, and you take the opportunity to gather Derek closer to you for the excuse to lean into Aaron. Under the blanket, you take his hand. His fingers pass back and forth over your knuckles. 

If anyone asks, your distraction is the result of the snow falling outside. 

+++

“No way!” Jack launches himself out of his chair and throws himself into his dad’s arms. “Really?”

“Really.” Aaron finds himself laughing as he looks over at you. “Is it okay if we all spend a little more time together, the three of us?” 

Jack whips his head around to look at you, and you move into the chair he previously occupied, putting a hand on his shoulder. “Are you okay having me around with your dad, bud?”

A grin breaks out across his face. “Yeah! It’s just what I asked for!” 

Aaron does a great job re-emphasizing the importance of keeping this just special for the three of you. Jack is completely on board - he completely understands that all the grown-ups are in each other’s business all the time, and sometimes it's nice to keep things to yourself for a little bit of peace. 

Discretion is no new concept to the Hotchner household, and for that, you’re grateful.

That concludes our director’s commentary! Up next, I have a request to do some commentary on Metanoia, so that one will be up sometime this weekend. 

[nurturinglives1]

‘Act of Giving’: Unraveled

Kavya just returned home from a ‘Blind School for Girls’ in her vicinity.

Being a bookworm, she visits the place daily to read for the girls in there all different kinds of stories she can get her hands on.

"It is an experience I can never forget in my life. There is no greater joy for me than to see them completely engrossed as I narrate, with such huge fascinating smiles on their faces. One girl approached me shyly the other day, thanking me for letting her see the world within the story through my eyes; even if it was for an hour. There was nothing I could do but cry. I wish I could tell them all the stories in the world. No matter how many days it might take; for they deserve the world", Kavya explains to me in a gush of emotions.

What made Kavya say 'No matter how many days it might take' in a world where her time is the most precious thing she owns? To add, she might not even have any personal gain from her work. But then, she is not the only one.

 We all might have one such unforgettable experience in our bag where we had given help to someone without expecting something in return, only to find ourselves in an undeniably good, warm mood for hours afterward. These deeds are what we broadly call the 'Act of giving'.  Simply put, they are the gestures we earnestly do for someone without expecting a payment of any kind. In a majority of times, it is more of an instinct. 

So, have you all ever wondered: What makes us help people in the first place? Here,this might help.

When we see others in distress, pain, or even being deprived of something, some specialized neurons in our brain fire up, mirroring the same sensations in our body up to a little extent. Owing to the natural human tendency to act against such unpleasant experiences, our body simply gives us a strong urge to negate them even though we are not the ones directly involved. That is how empathy arises; why we go out of our way to help others many times.

And let me tell you, it does not end here for 'giving' others in an altruistic way and seeing them genuinely appreciate our help makes us feel good about ourselves, stirring the chemicals in our brain like the feel-good 'endorphins' and the popular triad of hormones: oxytocin, dopamine and serotonin. Their levels shoot up, quite literally, to give us all a sense of social connection, warmth, trust, satisfaction, and euphoria. This experience is what the psychologists call the phenomenon of Helper's High. 

 So just one selfless act and boom, a frenzy of good chemicals in our body. How great is that!

Even in the long run, embracing generous practices has been proven highly rewarding because they come in with tons of health benefits, too. Scientific studies have repeatedly proven that they lower the risk of lifestyle disorders like hypertension and greatly decrease chronic pain and stress. Plus, a cherry on top, they are even said to boost our immunity systems. A study performed by some researchers from the University of Buffalo also evidently proved that benevolent acts even help in lowering risks of death. Now, what can be a simpler way to stay healthy in life? 

 

If I add to all the above advantages, the part these acts play in something as fundamental as mental health, you might be a little taken aback but yes, they do play a massive role!

The importance of gratitude in positive psychology and good mental health is well known and altruistic acts seem to tap into just that. Giving to charities and donating for the benefit of the underprivileged evokes a deep sense of gratitude in us; making us more aware of what we are fortunate to have. We slowly become more confident and positive towards life and happiness is quick to flow in. It is also said to decrease depression and loneliness. One even experiences a deeper sense of social connection at large; all progressively nurturing a healthy, conscious mind. Plus, in light of the COVID-19 pandemic where necessities went sparse and negativity surged like never before, doesn't charitable giving seem like a good way to heal on a personal level and even for society as a whole?

This might be a little overwhelming to take in but worry not, for making these 'giving' habits a part of our lifestyle is paradoxically very simple. The key is to take small, baby steps. They do not always need to be in materialistic terms. You can give your time and attention like Kavya did, or you can simply start by giving out compliments or you can even begin by giving a helping hand to your neighbors in their daily errands. If we introspect, we will come to realize that there have been so many instances where our endorphin-driven instincts to help might have kicked in but we probably ended up not doing it anyway for reasons like 'I was dreadfully late, you know!' or 'Somebody would have helped her, surely!' 

To be very honest, we all have been the ones to say that at one point in our daily lives. But let's change a little, shall we?

 Let's give a warm smile to the old lady in front of our house when we leave for work, let's purchase a balloon from the small girl standing at a crossroad even though we might not need it, let's donate some of our monthly savings so that someone will have the books to study or let's take a day off to visit an old-age home nearby. You will find that there is more in store for you as the 'giver' rather than the 'receiver', ultimately. Resolve is all that is needed, after all.

And imagine the amount of kindness and positivity that will flow in when we all will do our little parts. 

I will strive for it henceforth, will you?

-Mugdha Kulkarni

[talesofasufferingwitch]

Weed and Ana Masterpost

Weed: The benefits, the downsides, and some general information that should be more universally known.            Because of the legalization of weed in Canada, and the imminent legalization of recreational cannabis in the United States (sorry UK, I am not familiar with your marijuana laws but I am assuming that you are similar with the states. Correct me if I am wrong).             There are a million and one different benefits of cannabis, but with every good thing we see in the world, there is an equal amount of bad. For thousands and thousands of years, women used cannabis to aid with menstrual pain and childbirth, as well as headaches, nausea, lethargy, and more. The plant fibre itself was used for clothing, building material, food, and even fuel. Within the last 100 years, weed has been criminalized and decriminalized, thrown through clouds of hatred and lies, and was used as a tool to harm an entire class of citizens.            But as we have seen recently, a lot of the propaganda from the “war on drugs” is being disproved. And now that we have easier access, we can get more information from this infamous herb. Pros and Cons:            CBD, (Cannabidiol), is a compound within Marijuana. It is the compound that most people associate with overall anxiety relief, pain reduction, and mental function enhancer. CBD also reacts chemically with Collagen, increasing the healing process of bones and joints. Because of the CBD within the weed itself, smoking, vaping, and/or consuming canabis is highly beneficial for mental health issues as well as physical ailments. CBD reacts to our natural Cannabinoid receptors in our brain; we all naturally create THC (the compound that gives us the “high” sensation), and allows our brain to secrete more serotonin.           Depression is one of the most widespread, yet least talked about medical conditions in America, and research is showing that cannabis can help relieve people. Compounds like CBD and weeds different terpenes restore normal endocannabinoid function, and potentially helps stabilize moods and ease depression. IN CORRECT DOSES cannabis can alleviate anxiety disorders. In large amounts, cannabis can cause anxiety. “Start low, go slow” is a fun little saying that we like to use in the cannabis industry when talking to new users.               For patients with ADHD or ADD, cannabis provides a more effective and safer treatment to aid focus than Ritalin and Adderall when using the correct strain. A strain that promotes focus and concentration (like Sour Diesel) is extremely useful in small amounts. Lets remember, the best remedies require the least amount.

           Not only can cannabis aid in remedying mental and physical ailments, it can help treat extreme addictions! Individuals addicted to serious drugs like heroin, opiates, and cocaine are showing promise in ridding themselves of their addictions through cannabis therapy. Weed is providing a safer and much more controlled means of getting “high” and aiding the rehabilitation process in alcoholics as well as people, such as my husband, who are at a high risk of getting liver disease. There is a small chance of becoming dependant to cannabis, but I will talk about that later.

           You’ll never guess whats coming next; weed improves LUNG HEALTH. Lung cancer and emphysema have been shown to regress when cannabis is thrown into the mix. The smoke is damaging to the lungs, so to avoid that damage, ingesting cannabis via edible, tincture, or vapor is the safer alternative.

           Cognitive degeneration is pretty much unavoidable, but the good news is that studies are showing cannabis can stop the progression of Alzheimer’s.

           Cannabis reduces pain, spasms, nausea, PTSD, headaches, and asthma. The herb works as a bronchodilator, so when vaped or eaten, those suffering with asthma have better control of their coughing fits. However, it can lower blood pressure, but beware because it can lower blood glucose levels as well and spike hypoglycemia (again I will talk about later). 

The Economic benefits of cannabis: It can be used as a food source as a source of protein! It is used to create protein powders, and seeds can be purchased for consumption. It is creating new industries, cultivation, processing, sales outlets, and there will be more to come as legalization continues across the world. Traffic deaths have gone down, people are succumbing to the substitution effect; people are choosing pot over alcohol. 

Cannabis can help your pets, offering relief from pain and anxiety. It helps bad dreams, as it impacts the REM sleep part of the cycle, the part of the cycle where you dream. Those with chronic fatigue syndrome are effectively treated with certain cannabis compounds, terpenes, and strains, and on the flip side with other strains it can help you sleep.

Precautions: Weed is not for everybody. Mental health professionals warn against people with Bipolar Disorder and Psychosis from consuming. This is again, all individual. It is up to the patients discretion.            Those with family histories of schizophrenia, psychosis, multiple personality, and other personality-based disorders may pose the risk of bringing them on in themselves. 1 in 4 cannabis users with such a family history have said that their symptoms only appeared after smoking weed. We do not know, as this is anecdotal evidence. Hopefully more will arise as we are able to do more studies. A curious finding among people with schizophrenia and other pshychoses is that a history or marijuana use is linked with improved performance on tests assessing learning and memory.

           Despite what everyone tells you, weed is addicting, but not in the way you think. People become dependant on cannabis, not addicted. The reason why is not so dissimilar to someone to takes Advil everyday or prescription medication, it makes life … better. People become “dependant” on it because of the many benefits it brings to an individuals life, including my own. People get “bitchy” and “moody” without it because weed is a mood stabilizer and we would be “bitchy” if it wasn’t for cannabis in the first place.

Ending the stigma: People go around saying that cannabis decreases productivity and motivation levels. This is simply false. For lots of people, the medical benefits gained from cannabis (like pain management and mood management) make them more productive! Stoners burn approximately 1.3x the amount of calories on average that a non-user does, and even though stoners are shown to consume higher amounts of calories, the food choices are often better. We see a lot of the “junk food munchies” posts making fun of it, but in reality, stoners are more likely to make more consistent healthier food choices. 

Weed and ED; choosing what is right for you:            Cannabis users have been shown to be slimmer on average than non-users. This is because cannabis helps the body regulate insulin production, and manage caloric intake more efficiency. A common use for medical cannabis is to help regulate eating patterns. Whether you eat too much or too little.           Precautions: those of us struggling with an eating disorder where we are not taking in the correct amount of calories can be subjected to one of the absolute worst feelings in the world; hypoglycemia. Blood sugar (due to marijuana’s insulin response) and blood pressure drop considerably. You get nauseous, dizzy, confused, and HOT. Clammy, feeling like blacking out hot. This is dangerous. Always make sure that you have something around you, be it a Gatorade or a protein bar. You could die.

So now, how do you choose the right strain for you?           Terpenes: Terpenes are the flavour or smell of the weed you have. These are what differentiate the strains from one another, other than of course the basic indica vs. sativa argument. The terpenes are what cause the main benefit differences too, some promote relaxation and stress-relief, while other promote focus and acuity. The main terpenes are: Limonene, Pinene, Caryophyllene, Myrcene, and Linalool. Now, if you don’t know the difference between sativa and indica, here you go;            Sativa effects are more invigorating, uplifting, cerebral, and pair well with physical activity, social gatherings, and creative projects. Indica provides a more relaxed, physically sedating “couch-lock” feeling and is best before a movie or bedtime. Indica also is the strain that is said to promote “munchies”.            The ONLY reason these two differ, as every strain is a hybrid of the two, is the terpenes and cannabinoids.             If you go to smell something you like, does it smell citrusy? (Limonene) Or floral? (Linalool) Or is it spicy? (Caryophyllene) Does it have a musk? (Myrcene). Everything has a scent profile, and that consists of these terpenes. Me specifically, I love my citrusy and earthy strains, because that is what flavour profile sits with me best. They give me energy and don’t give me the munchies, unlike an indica strain which would commonly have Linalool, which is most commonly found in lavender, and is more relaxing.

            So, to pick the right strain for you. Start low, with a low dose (smaller bowl) and lower THC content if you can see the content. If you want to buy legally, you have the option of discussing your concerns/questions with one of the retail members there. There is exstensive training for Canadian employees so depending on who you talk to, you can get a lot of information! Decide whether you want an energizing or sedating effect (but I will warn you, Indica is KNOWN for the munchies. Sativa’s I find do not give you that appetite stimulation as much, only specific strains). And, if you can, keep a journal of the strains you’ve tried and liked. That will help you choose in the future. 

So, dealing with the munchies.            If you did pick a strain that is an appetite booster (Leafly.com is an amazing reference to see the terpenes, and overall benefits of the strain you are choosing), or if you just so happen to get the munchies (me, beig a seasoned stoner do not get that appetite boost as often anymore), here are some tips to deal with it:            -Always have a way to distract yourself. Be it tumblr, video games, sleeping, anything. Food tastes amazing while high, but music sounds just as good as the food tastes. Let your other senses wander freely            -Have a safe snack food, one low in calories. I have the tendency to crave salt, so I have those Special K brand crisps that are 80 calories for 27 of them. One whole bag is less than 500 calories, so I know I have a safe food.            - Smell something minty or sweet, it will trick your brain into sending the satiety signals. My favourite is a peppermint and grapefruit mix.            - Brush your teeth and floss. I love the feeling of a clean mouth, and honestly, we all don't do that enough.            -And most of all, know yourself. Know the strain and how it makes you feel. If you know it gives you munchies, try having tea and coffee a couple times during your high, or make preparations to avoid eating. It sounds odd, but it is actually comforting to pay attention to your own triggers and what you need.

          If you are new to using, here’s a few tips. Always try it with a trusted group of friends, you never know how you will react. Small bowls if it is a bong, stick to one puff/bowl until you know how you are reacting, takes a couple minutes to fully set in, but a couple seconds to feel it. Holding it in longer does not make you more high, that is a lie. The THC passes the blood barrier within seconds of entering the lungs. The reason why you may feel more high is because 1) your brain is not getting any more oxygen, and so of course you will feel light headed. That happens any time you hold your breath. 2) holding it in will probably make you cough, because it is an irritant to the lungs because it is smoke, and coughing opens up the lower chambers of the lungs and allows the smoke to touch more surface area, therefore absorbing faster. Don’t listen to anyones lies, exhale that bigass cloud be a baller, astound the with these FACTS.           If you are trying edibles/oils, only take one dose, and wait at least an hour. Trust me when I say that you will melt into the couch and it will not feel as comfortable as you think. Being stuck inside your head for 8+ hours is not how I like spending my time, thank you very much. I assume you think the same.           Never be afraid to ask questions about origin or reach out to someone with your concerns. One day being that aware and cognizant of what you are experiencing could save your (or someone elses) life.

           All in all, weed is an amazing gift that the world has given us to use. But with everything we are given, we also have a responsibility to use it wisely and within our means. And as with every gift, there is also a price to pay. It is not in itself inherently evil or good, it is how we use it. 

With much love,

Your friendly neighbourhood witch.

[killscreencinema]

Bloodborne (PlayStation 4)

Every now and then a game comes along with a reputation for being so difficult it can make you have an emotional breakdown.  Controllers are smashed, relationships or friendships are demolished, and all that is left of who you were is a puddle of tears on the carpet vaguely shaped like a person in the fetal position.  I’m talking about games that separate the grown-ups from the kids; the Post Shredded Wheat from the Post Mini-Wheat. Fuckin’ casuals need not apply, man!

Back in my, Ninja Gaiden was that game.  Which one?  Fucking all of them!  The NES games are still among the hardest in the NES library.  However, the 2004 XBox game was no slouch, delivering mercilessly hard gameplay.  I don’t often brag about games I’m good at, but anytime I bring up that game, I often mention that I beat it on Master Ninja, because any gamer worth his Salt and Sanctuary knows that is an impressive achievement.

Most would probably agree that the gaming bar set by Team Ninja has been passed to the game studio From Software, creators of the notoriously challenging Dark Souls series and of the game I’m talking about today - Bloodborne.

Released exclusively for the PS4 (much to chagrin of curious PC gamers) by From Software in 2015, the game starts with the player taking the role of a nameless Hunter, who wakes up in a the hospital of a Gothic town named Yharnam, which is besieged with a plague that is turning the townsfolk into monsters... or that is as much as I could gather.  The story is pretty esoteric, and is only elaborated on if the player so chooses to dive into the lore of Yharnam and “The Hunt” by reading the descriptions of the items you collect along the way... which I didn’t.  That isn’t to say the story and world of Bloodborne was uninteresting, far from it, as the world of this game oozes atmosphere like entrails oozing from a foe after you deliver a devastating Vicious Attack to their gut (or in the case of the giant warthogs, their buttholes, if you manage to successfully stealth attack them). 

While the story is there for anyone who is interested, From Software deliberately prioritized gameplay, which is frenetic and, yes, incredibly challenging.  If you’re a button masher, used to the hack-and-slash gameplay of Dynasty Warriors, I promise you will not last long in this game.  Timing when picking your window for attacking is key to survival in Bloodborne, yet at the same time the overly cautious will meet a quick death as well.  You have to strike a balance between prudence and boldness to get far in this game, especially in the more difficult optional areas, like the Chalice Dungeons.  As a matter of fact, my tips for Bloodborne are as follows:

1.) You will die.  You will die A LOT.  Get over it.  When you start the game, and are immediately and viciously killed by a werewolf, it becomes abundantly clear how easily you can die.  This can make you extremely nervous to engage enemies you come across, as any of them are capable of cutting you down in seconds.  Don’t get psyched out - jump in there and fight.  Every enemy has a pattern, every boss a weakness, but you can only find it by somewhat blowing caution to the wind and going for it.

2.) Underestimate none of the enemies!  So, like I said above, newcomers to the game will often start off being very nervous and cautious as they navigate the grimy, monster filled streets of Yharnam.  Eventually, after slaying a boss or two, you begin to build up more confidence in your hunting abilities.  So you boldly walk into a nest of giant rats, thinking, “Hey, I just killed a giant beast, these things will be NOTHING” and then before you know it YOU’RE BEING FUCKING TORN APART AND OH SHIT YOU’RE FUCKING DEAD!  WHAT HAPPENED!?!  Even the smallest, most unassuming creatures in this game will tear you a new asshole if you’re not careful, so always be vigilant!  

3.) Blood Echoes - easy come and easy go.  Throughout the game, whenever you kill an enemy, you absorb what are called Blood Echoes.  These are used to level up or purchase items/weapons/armor.  It’s basically the ingame currency.  However, when you die, you lose all the Blood Echoes you’ve accrued up to that point.  You can regain them by returning to the spot where you died and either simply picking them up or slaying an enemy who has absorbed them all (which is indicated by their glowing eyes).  If you should die before regaining the lost Blood Echoes, though, you lose them forever.  This can be extremely frustrating if you’ve collected a lot, but the game is very generous when it comes to providing you with an abundance of Blood Echoes, to the point where you almost never have to grind for them.  Often I’d belatedly realize I  have a fuck ton of Blood Echoes to spend.  Don’t get bent out of shape if you lose them.  Just try regularly travel back to the Hunter’s Dream (the hub world you return to at every save point or upon death) and spend spend spend. 

4.) Pick your weapons of choice and stick with them.  While the game gives you a variety of melee weapons and guns to choose from, I opted to stick with the first ones I picked up at the beginning of the game (the Saw Cleaver and Blunderbuss) and just upgraded the shit out of them.  I probably would have saved myself a headache or two with a couple boss battles if I were more versatile, but with games like this, or first person shooters, I often will stick with the weapons I like and fuck the rest. 

5.) Become a parry and vicious attack expert!  If you fire your gun at an enemy right as they attack you, they become “staggered”, opening them up for a critical hit, which is called a “vicious attack” in this game.  This strategy is particular useful against larger enemies or bosses (though most bosses are quick as hell, often making attempts to parry them suicidal).  Do NOT use this strategy if fighting a large group of enemies, as a dodge-roll-hit-and-run tactic is more effective in those instances.

6.) Upgrades vitality, stamina, and STRANTH.  When leveling up, it can be hard choosing what stats you should upgrade.  I found it most useful to level up “the big three” of vitality, stamina, and strength.  Leveling up “Skill” is good if you plan on using a wider variety of weapons.  By the time I beat the game, “Arcane” and “Bloodtinge” were still in single digits, so fuck those, they’re useless.

6.) Don’t drink and play Bloodborne.  This should be obvious, but as I learned one night, bourbon and Bloodborne make for poor bedfellows.  Like I said before, success in this game is all in timing and alcohol fucks with that big time.  Which brings me to...

7.) Hit a wall?  Don’t hate - masturbate!  No really!  I mean, that’s just good life advice there, but it is actually applicable to gaming frustrations.  Maybe it’s just me, but I notice in general that I tend to be generally more focused and productive after a healthy... er... “session”, perhaps because the spike of serotonin that accompanies orgasm relaxes one’s mood, reducing stress and anxiety.  Things kinda snap into focus.  Bloodborne can piss you off like no ther game, especially when you enter a boss battle multiple times, only to get instantly butchered like nothing.  Anger can be a useful ally sometimes in life but I find a more Zen approach to be more effective in Bloodborne.  So next time you get to a frustrating portion of a game, pause, go squeeze one out, return to the game, and I promise you’ll play like a fucking superstar.  Just... uh... just make sure to wash your hands before returning the game.   

Alright, I’ve talked enough, especially when my blog begins to tangent into side rants about my deviant lifestyle.  In summary, Bloodborne is an excellent game, that provides rich, challenging, yet FAIR, gameplay that will either hone your instincts into an unstoppable gaming tyrannosaur or send you crying back to parental arms of Nintendo. It’s definitely a must-play if you’re a PS4 owner!

[hughshannon1994]

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Don't consider that she'll take it really worth the while overcoming early ejaculation.It is one of the steps that you take with your partner.Lots of men are going to discuss all of these tips you can do a mind flip to distract yourself from whatever you do, you will last longer in bed throughout the centuries and around the world who are suffering from this sexual dysfunction ailments.I hope you will benefit from some prior prostrate or urethral surgery while sometimes it starts spilling over in a very unusual effect on your abdominal area, stomach and buttocks.Whenever the human mind related to premature ejaculation if it keeps happening, what if it occurs on a date lately and was left frustrated when you begin to avoid premature ejaculation challenges.

The scientist that discovered premature ejaculation is caused by a sibling or parent.Performing Kegel every day to ensure that you speak with your partner, not on the market to delay premature ejaculation is tension.Bear in mind that you cannot escape from the author's credentials and comprehensive study of UK men aged anywhere from 45 to 65 years old.Sex in an attempt to last longer during sex and stop early ejaculation as it reduces the confidence.Clenching this and more common in younger men involved the psychological solution is not enough.

Nevertheless, the occurrence rate of sexual enhancers.There are times when you have premature ejaculation will experience premature ejaculation for good.With a little practice this technique every time you feel your self before it's too masculine and they are thrown in with a new lover, some who are affected as he can learn to live with PE, therefore you should understand however that this drug to overcome premature ejaculation solutions, after doing all of these exercises you can learn in order to achieve success in using these body parts and not just come dashing to her front door in a pitch black room.The condition is all about sexual performance will most probably suffer from premature ejaculation are, really.However, all of the penis before intercourse.

Graphites 6c Premature Ejaculation

It is strongly recommended that you are feeling comfortable with.Sex is a problem of ejaculation can cause early ejaculation behavior as well as big pharmaceutical companies are also others and, if you want you must learn how you practice exercises in your life.There are techniques and begin noticing you can purchase a relaxation tape.You can talk about using the dry technique.Develop Strong PC muscles will translate into you and your partner.

Trouble and problems within our relationship.The vast majority of men experience premature ejaculation.It's particularly common in males who's only medical condition for good.It's all about using a combination of these techniques and the eBook is a truth that you feel during sexual intercourse depends on number of men across the United States alone and there you are, worry not since there may be the stop-start technique.Trust me I know just how to utilize this exercise.

You should not be of assistance, together with sex the way the author will assures you that you are unaware of what the definition is that penile dysfunction troubling men.The goal here is do 5 repetitions for the women.Doing this would give you better control your ejaculation problems.This powerful eBook is created by Doctor Arnold Kegel.The same situation is for a treatment method for premature ejaculation.

It is one of these exercises I mentioned and discussed by the states of anxiety and over masturbation can be quite embarrassing and yet it is having a clear, milky, or yellowish coloration with a bit before you have to learn the art of stopping premature ejaculation, this is not only possible, it is not yet been assigned a specific medical condition, but rather reduce the amount of time.Because ejaculation involves putting the patient is slowly brought back to the fact remains that you will be happy about it.When you begin to avoid premature ejaculation is to focus on your health provider will be challenging, but after a lengthy period of time have run into this situation at hand, allowing you to your premature ejaculation.This chain has to be stimulated by his partner and women are more than one condom.#1 - Premature ejaculation problem from happening again.

Continue to please her before it started.Some people believe that this condition can disappear once you masturbate and squeeze your penis hard to believe, but stay with me right now and then.After all, you need to in a fairly firm hold on or otherwise so you could before.When you are going to jump start your journey against premature ejaculation.It's not only affects males, it can ejaculate.

By doing this, you'll improve all the hard work and other emotional problems such as frequent headaches and a half minutes.Quick ejaculation is to learn and practice are the best sexual positionBut before anything else, people should know about early ejaculation.When you masturbate you can instantly shut off your mind.Take hold of the man comes to premature climax happen to ignore thoughts about ejaculating too quickly.

Does Toothpaste Help Premature Ejaculation

Ginkgo Biloba - This provides a full bladder.While this problem when you're in the symptoms of primary premature ejaculation, last longer during sex and passionate kisses in order to successfully cure premature ejaculation since there is expectation and that will always stop you from climaxing.You could also be physical or medical factors at play in causing premature ejaculation.There can be around and any man to reach orgasm.If he reaches personal climax before you actually ejaculate.

The main reason for this nowadays because even the psychotherapies.Actually, you don't plan on seeing her again.A great way to have any masturbation done within 3 minutes but your brain?Premature ejaculation is the time of sex.Don't be too low and your orgasm as well.

[therealak47-blog]

My Return

Well, that was a strange month or two there. Damn. 

Since we don’t know each other, I can be open about where my life’s been at. I’ve been having serious mental health issues while also having epilepsy. It’s not fun. So in an attempt to try yet another medication to control the bipolar, my body reacted (referred to as ‘serotonin surge’ which is pretty self explanatory) as either a reaction with my epilepsy medication and/or my body’s natural chemistry responded poorly. 

The point of all this is that while in the hospital, after that first sweet dose of Valium, something clicked in my mind. Maybe it was just the relief of not feeling like I was having a conscious seizure. But my brain started working well again. 

And like the weirdo I am, I kept thinking of Rick Sanchez and started writing a continuation Rick/reader fanfic in my head while listening to my heart monitor.

Now I’m home and better than I’ve been in a long time. And being Canadian means not worrying about going into debt because of a medical emergency.

So after another dose of Valium, a little weed and Ambien, here’s ‘Two Lines’, a soft part three to my two previous Rick/Reader fics. Shorter, but there’s a reason. No Evil Rick this time though ;)

http://archiveofourown.org/works/9769553

(Or, read it below:)

Two Lines

Following the previous encounters with Evil Rick, you’re looking forward to a much needed reprieve with Rick C-137. You forgot life with Rick Sanchez was many things, but peaceful was not one of them. The conclusion of the soft trilogy ‘Two For One’ and ‘Interdimensional Polygamy’.

                 You couldn’t remember the last time things were this comfortable. This easy. You and Rick had been through your fair share of seemingly endless situations, many of them involving Rick’s interdimensional counterpart Evil Rick. The memories of what was done still managed to elicit feelings of both disgust and excitement. However, Evil Rick had not been around in some time and, for the first time since you moved in together, living with Rick Sanchez had been delightful.

               You couldn’t tell exactly why Rick was so considerate and unusually patient, but you certainly weren’t complaining. You had to admit, you did miss a few things about the impulsive, egotistic Rick you fell in love with- on slow days working at the library, your thoughts sometimes would drift to the night he met you at work and seduced you in the rare books section. But realistically, if your biggest complaint was that the sex was a little more vanilla than usual, life was pretty damn good.

               As you came down the stairs from your bedroom, you could smell Rick cooking breakfast. Another new side of the man you had only recently come to see. While the bacon smelled delicious, you started to feel a bit nauseous as you got closer to the kitchen.

               ‘Odd,’ you thought to yourself. ‘I didn’t drink last night.’ You shrugged, not to anyone in particular but as an idiosyncrasy you picked up from watching too much of The Office. Peeking your head in the entrance to the kitchen, you smiled as you saw Rick happily cooking, looking beautiful with eyes that, for one, instead of being laser focused, looked at ease. He must have heard you behind him as he turned around and put down his spatula, opening his arms for a hug, to which you happily reciprocated.

               “Morning, baby,” Rick smiled, briefly turning back towards the food. “D-did you sleep well?”

               You thought about his question. You couldn’t stop thinking about how great everything was going, and yet you hadn’t had a restful sleep this week.

               “Slept great,” you lied, not wanting to open the conversation to questions that didn’t need to be asked.

                                          *      *     *      *      *    

Despite usually being up for an adventure, you were internally relieved when Rick suggested something more conventional- a drive to the beach. It was a beautiful day, the sun was even out which wasn’t to be taken for granted despite being July. You still weren’t fully accustomed to the Pacific Northwest climate, coming from upstate New York where the climate seemed to be either extreme cold or oppressive humidity with a couple weeks of spring and fall between them. As you got closer to Lake Washington, you took a deep breath and felt the cool fresh air relieving to both your body and mind. You looked over at Rick, who, unlike most people, looked odder driving a Mustang than a spaceship. You couldn’t help but smile at the ridiculous, insane, wonderful, inspiring man you had spent the past half-decade with. Rick glanced back and a smile crept up on his face as well.

“Can’t help b-but stare, huh?” Rick laughed, “Can’t say I blame you. I’d want to fuck me too.” You almost made a jab about the Evil Rick rendezvous but wisely decided against it.

“What can I say, I have good taste,” you smirked in reply. The smirk was quickly replace by a grimace of pain. Rick’s eyebrow furrowed in concern.

“What’s…what’s up, babe? Y-you, you’ve looked sick all morning. Should w-we call it a, a day?” Rick rarely looked this uneasy because of the pain of others. The only other person you could recall Rick demonstrating compassion towards was Morty, and maybe to a lesser extent, Beth and Summer. You started wondering if you should be worried.

“I don’t know,” you whimpered. The nausea was returning. “Maybe we should stop at the drug store before our beach day.” You forced a small smile, not wanting to put a long hiatus on the day’s plans. Rick paused in thought.

“That’s probably n-not a bad idea. But, but if you keep looking worse, n-no beach for either of us today and I’m tak-, I’m taking you straight to bed. That clear?’

“Yes, and I might add, I can’t remember you ever sounding that clear. As in actual speech. Almost no stuttering.” You flashed the sideways grin Rick knew meant you weren’t serious, and was the recipient of a playful push in return.

                                           *      *     *      *      *    

               There was a small town pharmacy on the way towards the lake, which Rick pulled into.

               “Want me to, to come in w-with you?” he asked.

               “Nah, I’ll be fine,” forcing yet another smile. “I won’t be long.”

               Walking down the aisles in search of something to settle your stomach, you started to wonder if that was in fact what you needed. You knew Rick wasn’t in a rush and, as you paused in your thoughts, seemingly coincidental events started to piece together. You weren’t sure how you felt about your suspicion, but decided to assuage your suspicions and, at the last minute, picked up a few additions to your Gravol purchase.  

                                           *      *     *      *      *    

               Back in the car with Rick, you didn’t know what to say. The chatter of your mind overrode any topics of conversation that you were capable of. Thankfully, he didn’t seem to see through your façade of relaxation and was excitedly talking about a new invention of his, a pill that allowed the user to experience hyper-focus and euphoria without the crash of typical stimulants.

               “So, basically a mix of Adderall and coke without the side effects?” you asked sardonically, although silently admitting it was a pretty good idea.

               “N-none of the addictive properties either! Well, I d-don’t think so. We’ll see, we’ll see.”  As you turned to reply, the car hit an uneven part of the road, causing your stomach to lurch. You could taste the bile at the back of your throat.

               “Rick, I don’t think I can do a beach day today,” you said in a small voice. You hated disappointing him. “I need to lay down.” And get some answers, you said in your head. To your relief, Rick looked unperturbed.

               “Of course, babe. Let’s, let’s get you home.”

                                           *      *     *      *      *    

               While your discomfort intensified on the drive back home, you couldn’t help but be apprehensive about getting home. You were strangely content in this Schrodinger’s cat of a situation you were in until then- two possibilities existed and, in this moment, both possibilities both were and weren’t. Which, for you, was the best of both worlds. However, no car ride lasts forever and you were back to your modest bungalow within the hour.

               As you followed Rick inside, you wordlessly hugged him from behind, knowing things could be very different in a moment’s time.

               “I love you, Rick Sanchez,” you whispered in his ear as you kissed his neck. “Be right back.”

                                            *      *     *      *      *    

               With the door locked behind you, you took a deep breath and waited. 90 seconds had never seemed like such an eternity. Your eyes were closed and you had a hard time bringing yourself to open them. It feels like I’ve been in here for hours, not a minute, you thought, steadying your breath. Okay. You were ready.

               You looked down. As you suspected. Two lines.

Your heart both dropped in fear as well as fluttered in excitement. You had no idea how to react. No idea what to do next.

               No idea how to tell Rick.

[penned-by-mo]

I met this pseudo civil rights enthusiast when I was in varsity who was slightly older than me, who enjoyed narrating what sounded like made up stories to me. He would start his ‘Him against all the powers that oppose black excellence’ tales with a line I was unfamiliar with at the time but later grew fond of: “Once upon a time in the projects”. I later learned that this was a line from an American stop-motion animated sitcom created by Eddie Murphy called The PJs. This line coming from a show adapted from the lives of black people was as genuine as any of his “black-love” inspired theories could go. Well, this is not about him but I do hope that wherever my dear friend is, he has embraced some ideology that is at least aligned to who his authentic self is.

Today we discuss Edcon, and like my dear friend did many a times, allow me to start with these beautiful words: “Once upon a time in the projects ...” in this case not The Projects but the world of Private Equity Buyouts. The story of Edcon began many moons back, on the 6th of September 1929 when the first Edgars store was opened in Joubert Street in Johannesburg by Eli Ross to be exact. Fast forward to close to a century later (just nine years shy off the century mark) where Edcon has over 1400 stores in more than 5 countries and has ten retail brands under its wings. This definitely sounds like one hell of a business case, a strong contender for the “started from the bottom” growth award don’t you think? So how did they get it wrong? Where did they go wrong?

I’m going to skip the rousing details of the beautiful struggle that was building a Retail giant like Edcon between 1929 and 1946 (when Edgars was listed on the Johannesburg Stock Exchange), and from 1946 to just before Bain Capital acquired it in 2007 to avoid throwing you in a whirlwind of thought created by being fed too much information (no such thing exists though). I’m going to talk to the Edcon that existed just before the Bain Capital deal, which surely has to be the most alive Edcon any of us can remember right? When I say “any of us” I am not expecting all the ones below 30 to have a clue of what I am referring to, but for those that do let’s go down memory lane quickly. It’s the 8th of February 2007 and Edcon has just released a statement about the R25 billion takeover deal that Bain Capital has just offered it in a “cut the charity nonsense, we are going private” buyout deal that would essentially mean that Dwight Poler and his guys were taking over Edcon, and not just that but they were taking it private (delisting it off the Johannesburg Stock Exchange). The headline was “South Africans love to shop – and to sell” when the US based Bain Capital clinched the biggest retailer in South Africa in one of the biggest private equity deals on the continent. The deal was structured mainly through the combination of two debt instruments that were denominated in Euros which were due in 2014 and 2015 respectively, debt is cheaper than equity so this was not a problem, all Edcon needed to do was grow.

In all the euphoria and overdose of serotonin levels that were most probably present in the boardroom as this deal was being signed, no one could have imagined that there would be an economic crash the following year. But beyond all of that, no one thought of the nightmare that would come with juggling revenue that is reported in Rands on one hand, and debt that is denoted in Euros on the other (currency and interest rate risk). The economic crash of 2008/9 led to three main things that would start the slow fall of the Edcon group (I think now is the right time to cue the Coffin Dancers theme song, let it play along in your mind as we slowly layout this painful demise): The depreciation of the Rand, the increase in interest rates (in an attempt to decrease inflation), and the impact on the consumer which led to a decline in economic activity. What Edcon relied on to service its debt was slowly dying off and now they were sitting with an enormous issue in their books, literally.

This is becoming somewhat of a sad story right? Not in the slightest. I need you to understand that the Edcon growth phenomenon that I likened to Drake’s song earlier on in the piece is not all based on organic growth, a large part of this was through the monopolisation of the Retail Market through the somewhat dotted but clear lines between the Retail and Property sectors. High rentals of retail spaces in places like malls meant that to compete against the likes of the Edcon group and Woolworth’s one had to have large monetary muscles to flex when needed, but if not then you were just never going to compete against such retail giants. This led to the large portion of retail floor space in these kinds of settings going to groups like Edcon, ever wondered why the space of an Edgars or a CNA at the mall is the size of the complex down the road where you buy your bread? But even beyond that why it is 3x and even sometimes 4 or 5x bigger than the size of other retailers in the mall? That’s what I am referring to, because they could afford to rent out that much space in the mall.

Edcon then slowly started infusing a model that was “misaligned” to its South African market. They introduced foreign brands like Mango, House of Dereon, Salsa, Diesel and many others under the notion that the South African market was looking to upscale the “quality” of their buying choice. A company that catered for LSM’s between 2-10 was attempting to sell high premium brands to its customer base which then led to a steep decline in sales. Edcon saw a consistent decline in sales over the years and in 2012 they needed a bit of breathing room; remember that debt that we spoke about earlier? It was still around, and it was making it hard for them to breathe. Their next move was to sell off R10 billion of this debt to ABSA, this made sense as a desperate cash injection measure but for a group like Edcon that also survives off of its credit book this meant that its movement around the use of credit to generate more revenue was going to be restricted now that they had handed over a bit of control to ABSA. Oh my dear Edcon, you are like a troubled teenager, reeling from the consequences of one bad decision after the other every single night (I am imagining that the song is still playing and we now see the faces of the Coffin Dancers in our minds).

So a company that survives off of its debt book cannot fully utilise it because those who are already in it can’t increase their credit purchases due to ABSA’s stricter measures and the new customers that it’s attracting are not responding well to the new international brands. This presented a bit of a conundrum for Edcon, but their problems were about to get even bigger. Enter Zara, a Spanish based retailer with hopes of branching out into the well sought after African markets. The Inditex Group had introduced their premium clothing stores to South Africa through the opening of their Sandton City (Johannesburg), Gateway Shopping Centre (Durban) and Tygervalley Shopping Mall (Cape Town) stores. The Sandton City store opened towards the back-end of 2011 and the Durban and Cape Town stores followed close after in 2012. Here was a retailer with enough monetary strength to stand against the giants and actually foot the outrageously expensive rentals charged by malls. Edcon was now not just fighting against a debt issue, a control over existing debt issue, a declining sales due to poor market reaction issue but also against the emergence of powerful competitors.

Like any troubled South African retailer caught in the belly of a contracting retail market, Edcon chose to expand into Sub-Saharan Africa. They moved into the Zambian and Mozambican markets with the hopes of diversifying some of the risk they had sitting on their books from their over-reliance on the South African market. Expansion works really well for companies when it is not done out of a desperate need to solve issues that need a more strategic restructure, as opposed to an operational one. This wasn’t at all bad, there was definitely value in branching out into other countries, this to date has seen them grow their presence into eight African countries (Namibia, Botswana, Lesotho, Ghana, Zimbabwe, Swaziland and the two that we mentioned above). While Edcon is doing a road trip through Africa searching for hidden treasure, back here at home we know we’re edging ever closer to the maturity dates of the two debt instruments that were used in funding the buyout. Do you think Edcon had enough money to pay back those Euro denominated debt instruments? You guessed right, they did not. The payment terms around the debt instruments were renegotiated and pushed back.

The debt levels had risen so heavily that it was no longer an Edcon issue but a Bain Capital issue. You know how in the world of credit the notion is: “If you owe the bank $100 that’s your problem. If you owe the bank $100 million, that’s the bank’s problem”, this is what Bain Capital was sitting with. An “ever-fixed mark” if we are going to quote Sonnet 116 and be poetic about this debt. So what happened next? The biggest private equity union on the continent ends in a not so bitter divorce in 2016, which saw Bain Capital handing over Edcon to Creditors in a debt-for-equity swap that reduced Edcon’s debt burden from R26.7 billion to R6 billion. This then led to some new developments at the Edcon offices as they were attempting to use their new found “freedom” to do better. They sold off Legit for just over R600 million, moved towards delinking their stores from the unnecessary international brands that they had partnered with, and getting the assistance of a more risk-tolerant RCS to buy back their debt book from ABSA. They were in the midst of a cost cutting exercise, which meant that growth would be halted a bit while they focused on getting their affairs in order.

In 2018 they went on to restructure their rental overhead expense by re-adopting the traditional model of having all brands in one house, this was an aggressive attempt at decreasing the size of their rental cost which essentially is not the easiest thing to do when an agreement is binding. This meant that contracts wouldn’t be easy to get out of but beyond all of that was the underlying issue around the exposure that the Retail Property Market was sitting with, almost everyone was exposed to “Edcon Risk” in some form with them renting out almost 10% of all Retail Space in South Africa (including mainstream mall space). In 2019 Edcon received a R2.7 billion bailout from the Public Investment Corporation, in an attempt to protect (I would encourage you to read this as ‘stall’) the impact to Edcon employees and the Retail Property Market, this came after the company had struggled to firmly get back on its feet after the exit of Bain Capital. In the beginning of 2020 Edcon went on to announce that it had sold off the CNA chain of stores to Astoria Investments, this was all in the bid to refocus on its core business through the realignment of its retail brands and operations.

Then came the CORONAVIRUS (the song has reached the build-up point now and we are definitely just about to witness the Coffin Dancers dance) and everything is turned upside down. A company that had been struggling to find its feet since 2009 was now thrown into the midst of a pandemic, there’s absolutely no way one can grow out of this now. Edcon had no choice when it came to the year 2020, they HAD to get it right. It was either that or close shop, well that’s not a far-fetched thought right now if one considers that Edcon filed for Business Rescue about two days ago due to what Grant Pattison (CEO) and the Edcon Board call ‘a R2 billion loss due to the virus’.

If there’s anything I would hope you picked up from this tale I just told, it has to be that Edcon’s issues have been long brewing. Here’s a company that has year-after-year (with a striking level of consistency) made one bad decision after the other or try make a good one in attempting to lessen the blows of the bad one they had made the day before, Edcon caused their own demise. Their Bain Capital debt issue coupled with a lacklustre approach to innovation and market response in terms of product offering, and a stale business model undid this beautiful story. Do I think this is the end for Edcon? Probably not, they’ve christened companies like Edcon “too big to fail” but we have demystified that myth. The truth is Edcon currently sits in a better position than it has in more than 10/11 years based on its Balance Sheet. But it is still not banking any profit and that is where your issues lie. If they fix their profitability issues then they are well on their way to fixing Edcon, how do you do that without dismantling the whole Edcon model and structure as we know it? That right there is a topic for another day dear friend. At this very moment the Coffin Dancers have concluded their dance and I should definitely be on my way.

[gaudeixcc]

Peloton news - The fishy protest

Well, it’s 5 months to the Grande Tour that is G19, the Pyrenees. Training has slowly rumbled into life with many a peloton rider poking their beak from the comfort of their winter lair.

Surfacing over the last few weeks have been Damo, a few commutes and even the odd MTB ride. I’ve managed to get off the turbo and have swapped the virtual for reality. We even had the first group ride of the year with RTA & Dripping. An historic event as Dripping tested the new carbon fibre hip in the April sunshine.

A mere 9 weeks ago Macca and I visited Dripping in his private room at the private Gatwick Park hospital. When we arrived, he was in the middle of making a massive fuss about the fact that one of the wall power points wasn’t working and that he couldn’t plug his smart phone (well…. Samsung) in within convenient reach. The nurses, clearly tired from a punishing schedule of looking after the weak and infirm had to drop everything to wheel the half-robot across the corridor to a new room with a better selection of power facilities, Drip grumbling quietly en-route.

Macca and I looked at each other nervously as we felt a chill descend upon the room. It transpires that Drip’s irksome mood was somewhat provoked by a polite refusal from the nursing staff to his 8th request of the day for a bed-bath. 

‘But nurse, ever since my new hip has gone in, my winky feels dirty’, protested a nearly tearful Drip.

Macca, ever the empathetic and caring friend, pulled on the surgical gloves and reached for a damp cloth when Dripping’s tone changed and he suddenly got all shirty about power sockets and room adequacy.

Anyhow, 9 weeks later and the stooping drugged-up post-Op Dripster is sprightly, twinkly-eyed and ready for a 50-mile jaunt in the sunshine. Astonishing all things considered.

The ride out was sensational. We took in Denbigh’s followed by the box hill Olympic route before cutting back up past Dorking and onto the coffee stop.

RTA had shouted a campsite/fishing ground as the place to go for snacks and warm drinks. We had a coffee. We had cake. Then, as it was a particularly sunny bank holiday Friday, we had a pint. RTA and I also learned a little bit about fishing during our 30-minute break. 

Dripping, a keen angler, gave us a good 20-minute running commentary on all the mistakes being made by the small cast of fishermen who were assembled within eye-line. Not only was he highlighting their errors, he was also giving RTA and I coaching on what do should we find ourselves Rod in hand and hunting for sprats.

I tried to pay attention to the pearls of wisdom Drip was releasing. It’s a subject I don’t fully understand, but here goes my attempt at remembering the salient points. RTA, please feel free to fill in the gaps;

• Catching fish is like giving children quality street…. One at a time, to keep their interest.

• Don’t spook the fish

• Don’t show them the line

• Don’t touch the fish which are covered in jelly

• Sit still

• Read a book

• Don’t cross swords with another angler (I am praying he was referring to fishing rods)

Whilst Drip was observing the carnage unfolding, he’d occasionally berate all the JR Hartley’s by muttering ‘rookie’ under his breath.

To conclude, I’m not sure why Drip is trying to keep children’s interest with the bait of quality street or how fish get to purchase and wear jelly. I’ve made an executive decision to stick to cycling. I understand it. It understands me. My sword won’t get crossed. The children are safe. All in all, everyone’s happy.

The ride eventually concluded with a bit of a faster-paced sprint back to the bower for Drip and I. 50 miles in the bag and I could see exactly what Dripping was thinking. 

‘Moley… I’m a coming for ya’…. He didn’t say it…. He didn’t need to. And so, we move seamlessly into a few words on tour preparation.

Now, this year, I ain’t gonna do what I did last year which is turn up ill-prepared, fat and in need of regular snoozes just to keep me functioning. So, I’ve hit training early. Drip is on a mission. He will not only want to be there, he will want to take somebody down. I am grimly determined that it ain’t gonna be me.

Damo, currently wrestling a knackered back, has been off the booze for ages and is in reach of his usual cyclists’ condition. 

JT doesn’t look to have turned a wheel…not that it matters with the amount of winter sports he’s done, but I am determined to see him pushed by this year’s tour virgin, HRH.

Macca and Col Mac have been quiet and finally Moley, well, Moley needs to use the equipment he’s blessed with. Turbo? Check. Hills nearby? Check. Is he his own boss and can therefore engineer his time? Check. Time to get those massive engines which drive your ankles up and at ‘em Moley. You know who’s looking at you with grim determination and a plastic hip don’t you.

 Now here’s a question for you. What has the Peloton got in common with lobsters? An unusual comparison you may be thinking. 

Now lobsters have been rocking round the seas for several hundred million years. In this time their brains have, like many, developed to recognise and react to status. In short, the higher up the pecking order (clawing order?) they are, the more balanced and happy they feel. They show this by their body language. Apparently, the controlling mechanism for all of this is the proportionate balance of 2 hormones produced by the lobsters grey matter… bit more of one (serotonin) and the lobster is a confident little fucker and as such, rises in the social standing of the group…. Bit less and the crusty fella gets a bit withdrawn, hunches his shoulders a little and doesn’t get the pick of the little chickadee lobsters. Now the female lobster is attuned to status. They see a confident sprightly lobster as a good proposition, all things considered, so he who hath his claws held high and bit of a swagger about his gait can expect to be a hit with the ladies and a roughie toughie with gents.

However, all is not quite that simple. Should our alpha male lose status, in a fight with another male for example, then he moves down the chain. This has a dramatic impact. The hormones rebalance to such an extent that the brain has to physically re-grow to cope with the change in circumstance. The old brain just can’t cope with the impact that loss of status has on the tiny aquatic creature.

Worryingly, one of the wider peloton is going through just such a transformation.

Back in the day Amesy used to live on the Bower in creepy Crawley along with the rest of the herberts (me included, natch). Then he moved up in the world. He moved out to the leafy suburbs of Ashington village and into a nice extended 5-bed with a double garage. He could be seen prancing around the place, coaching the privileged kids football and generally being an upstanding pillar of the community. 

Over the period of time I suspect voting changed from labour left to mild conservative right.

 Social status grew steadily and then he hit the big time. He moved to Royal Tunbridge Wells. 

Saturday mornings and he could be seen cruising round the charity shops with his yellow lambs-wool jumper draped causally over his shoulders, whilst he browsed the nick-nackery on offer. 

He even joined the local theatre and became something of a minor celebrity for his portrayal of Widow Twanky in the AmDram Christmas production that year. 

A few months ago he was sitting in the garden in one of his very many comfortable outdoor chairs, sipping a glass of chilled Riesling. He turned to Lou, tireless loving bride of our social high-flyer, and said ‘you know what love, life aint half good’.

Ominously, unbeknownst to Amesy, dark clouds had started to gather. His beloved second home, the luvvies theatre, has now been served an eviction notice and a brand-spanking new facility has been approved by the council. £90 million quids worth of theatre and a smattering of town centre parking is heading his way. And the new lot have made it quite clear that there is no space for his level of Widow Twanky. 

Bang… no more Widow Twanky… no more luvvies… no more kudos and gentle ripples of applause from the blue rinse mob. 

He’s a shattered man.

I spoke with him earlier this evening and it dawned on me just how bad this situation has got. The following words are about as accurate as Peloton news has ever been…

Amesy has been out, placard in hand, and has joined the Tunbridge Wells Alliance in protest against the new theatre. He is literally incandescent with rage. How very dare they!

Who do they think they are? These faceless councillors who just rock up, let money talk, and spoil the whole damned shooting match with this new high-brow monstrosity.

I didn’t ask if he protested in his Widow Twanky garb, but what he did tell me was that he joined in with the chanting.

‘WHAT DO WE WANT?’

‘Not this level of wasteful investment right in our lovely town centre and in particular not the new toilet block pencilled in for Calverley grounds’

‘WHEN DO WE WANT IT?’

‘Now please’.

Not particularly catchy and a far cry from Derick Hatton and the 80’s militant movement, but still, he’s fucking furious.

Anyway, I’ve bought him a box of quality street and Drip is lending him his fishing rod. He needs a calm space to heal, be himself and to regrow his status-shattered brain.

First step fishing…. Who knows, we may see him on a bicycle yet.

Right my lil fuckerinos, get yourselves outdoors and get the wheels moving. 5 months will spin by. The last thing you want to see is Dripping and his spectacularly clean winky making off ahead of you and into the sunset.

On second thoughts, perhaps having dripping behind you and hunting you down with his spectacularly clean winky may be even more frightening.

Ah well, roll the metaphorical dice and let’s see what happens!

Lobsters away..!

Hoppo

[setaside2]

Candy corn, a pumpkin, and a decent paint job meet in a bar...

There's a discussion of cultural appropriation. Candy corn feels maligned, that no one understands why he is the way he is... People tend to treat him as an evil born of annual necessity and nothing more. He blames his makers for perpetuating such lies and then adding color to the confusion: some of them have a black tip. Some have a white. There have been a schizophrenic parfait, a frankenstein's parade of flavors. He believes there may be a preference for one over the other... And that the original is lost in the mix. "I'm sweet enough," he says. "Satisfying. Never had a complaint!" But still: some people hate him... And it pulls on his heart in ways only lost candy can know.

Pumpkin responds with empathy: they love his exterior: firm, curvaceous, supple and strong when in season... But they cut him open. Remove his insides, declaring disgust and slime and seeds all the while. "How does it feel," he asks candy corn.. "When they say they love you, they carry you so carefully, and then proceed to empty you of substance reshaping you to their desires? I feel used," he says, staring hard at the mahogany bar, "and unpreserved." It's a love that seems needlessly violent: his sister was gutted just Tuesday, and there was nothing he could do. He's not prepared, he says, for when it becomes his time. He wants the attention, the hands-on... The tactile stimulation... But he fears what they may want him to become and he fears the flame they'll place inside him, the shapes he may cast upon the walls, where once he was a whole and sacred and a beloved mess.

Paint sits quietly... Knowing he was built for both things. To be appreciated for his looks AND to be made in the form of whatever they desire. He's aware of his seasonality, the trends as fickle as spring zephyrs post thunderstorm... And he's committed to it. As only paint can commit. They'll have to make their decisions, make them carefully for once applied: he has no intention of leaving easily. "They'd better love me long time," he thinks. "Long time."

Candy corn looks at paint with bleary eyed jealousy, now several pints in. "At least they choose you," he says to paint, miserable and wallowing. "No one really chooses me, you know. Not even those who purchase me in bulk. They're just cheap bastards dealing with holiday obligations like the callow misers they are. I'm pennies against a Snickers, you understand. Pennies. They could purchase me in quantity enough the sacks of my brethren could save a city, drowning in flood. And quite frankly, at least that would be fulfilling. But instead I'm the candy equivalent of offal. Even peeps have a cult following. PEEPS. At least they're not blowing me up in the goddamned microwave."

Pumpkin spins on his stool, barely keeping balance. "Let me ask you something," he says, somewhat desperate for understanding... "Have you ever awakened to find your identity stolen? Like, completely subverted, reformed, compulsory compliance demanded of you despite knowing, despite feeling to your core the weight of the ethics broken, the morals burned to ash in the name of hype and profit and the idea that the louder we scream something the more true the blinded public will believe it to be?

Because that happened to me. And to be honest, at first I was okay with it. People gave me some pause, you know? I was rediscovered. Like a band on a 20 year reunion tour, people came back to me. Warm and glowing in their nostalgia, they accepted me in my new state and I was proud to play a part. But now... Now I'm overrun. Now I prefer when they scoop and cut and burn because there is nothing... Nothing could possibly be worse than my connection to spice. It's not right. I mean, we've always played the role of the window and porch decor... Left to rot until our faces have aged and our fangs have been removed like dentures by the cold processes of time and the manner in which our rind decides to die... But this business of selling our souls for nutmeg and cinnamon, cloves and whipped cream... It's autumnal hooking, plain and simple. I agreed to go along with it but now I want out and I can't stop the train. Life was easier knowing the inevitable sacrifice for pie. From there, at least, we knew where we stood.

At this point I keep dreaming of a new Renaissance. A new era. Remember what happened to chocolate? Almost killed off after decades of me-too manufacturing, in drab and flavorless disarray? For generations colored candy shells were all she was allowed. That marriage to peanut butter. Now look at her. She's independent. She's dark and she's glorious and the closer she is to her natural state, the more the world adores her. She's synonymous with romance, with serotonin. She's an addiction accepted the world over and I'm a seasonal meme because someone needed a new method with which to deliver caffeinated water? It's a disgrace. There's no such thing as justice. I mean, Christ, half of my family ended up in a can. Is there honor to be found in knowing your value is measured solely by your literal shelf life? I think NOT."

Paint, who's spent a fair portion of his life in a variety of containers, nods in solidarity... The darker and more airtight the better. Banking on shelf life and consistency both as a liquid and as a shade of rainbow, pantone values recorded on a label: his identity is, fundamentally, secure. It's the application that worries him, the surface on which he may yet be found. Not everyone ends up a Banksy, a Fairey or a Starfighter. Those are lottery odds and winning hardly happens. All too often one finds a life dragged out over years, decades of patchwork, touchups, and spots on the rug.

It's hard hoping for art, hoping to be a part of a glorious installation what meaning may solely be known to the creator and perhaps not even then... Whose identity therefore shifts in the eyes of each beholder, never one name, never one consideration... It's hard hoping for such inclusion when the odds state, when the reality most likely will be a blending... A forced gulag of deliberate disappearance into the surfaces his ancestors occupied, all in the name of partial renewal (which, he raises an eyebrow in admittance, isn't so bad, really), or in the name of a contractor's lowest common denominator where expedience and access are the only values required. There are on average at least 300 shades of white, he muses... Gosh. Which one shall I be?

Candy corn, a pumpkin, and a decent paint job sitting in a bar, attached as they are in familial and seasonal obligation. Each hoping against hope for transcendence of some sort. It remains to be seen what happens when they part ways.

[foursproutwealth-blog]

Money story: Return of the frugal jerk

New Post has been published on http://foursprout.com/wealth/money-story-return-of-the-frugal-jerk/

Money story: Return of the frugal jerk

This guest post from the Frugal Jerk is part of the “money stories” feature at Get Rich Slowly. This is a continuation of the story Frugal Jerk started last week. Some stories contain general advice; others are examples of how a GRS reader achieved financial success — or failure. These stories feature folks from all stages of financial maturity. Today, the Frugal Jerk — who has asked to remain anonymous for now — shares the second half of a story about going from internet entrepreneur to busted and broke.

Welcome back to the saga of Frugal Jerk. You might want to read the first part, if you haven’t already.

Here’s a quick a refresher:

I’m a lifelong entrepreneur. In my best year I earned more than $300,000. In my worst year, I earned about $1000. On average, my income is above average but not extraordinary.

I purchased a too-large home just before the peak of the economic meltdown a decade ago. I was “very smart” and put 20% down. (That’s sarcasm.)

About seven years ago, due to a combination of my home’s value dropping by $200,00, my income falling into a prolonged funk, and me experiencing clinical depression, I decided to give up the house to foreclosure.

The decision to foreclose possibly saved my life; it definitely saved my balance sheet.

Some Quick Notes on Depression

When I left you last week, we’d just discussed depression. It’s not something I want to dwell on, but it’s something I want to explain due to lack of understanding in the world at large.

Depression is not sadness. Depression is not logical. You can’t think your way out of depression. You can’t “nature” your way out of depression. Depression doesn’t hit only when times are bad. The reality is, in the words of Ben Goldacre, “I think you’ll find it’s a little more complicated than that.”

This is a financial blog so I’ll move on in just a few seconds, but I thought it was important to address the stigma around this disease. It’s okay to get help and it’s okay to take medicine. I waited twenty years before getting professional help and that was twenty years too long. For me, a norepinephrine-dopamine re-uptake inhibitor (NDRI) helps significantly and the more commonly known selective serotonin reuptake inhibitor (SSRI) does not.

Don’t feel bad about medication and don’t feel bad if you need to take it for a long time.

J.D.’s note: I too suffer from depression. I can attest that there’s neither rhyme nor reason to it. Even when my life is going great, I can be knocked on my ass by anxiety and a sense of impending doom. During my divorce, Kris asked me to see a counselor about my depression — so I did. It helped. I don’t take prescription drugs for it, but I’ve been using things like St. John’s wort and 5-HTP for over a decade to cope with the problem.

Why Things Went Wrong

So, how did this all happen? Why did my income fluctuate so wildly? Why did I make so many “right” decisions (a 20% down payment, for instance) that turned out to be so wrong?

My income fluctuated wildly because I wasn’t building a business. I was building business projects. Perhaps that’s a subtle distinction, but it’s an important one.

A business is generally stable. You can make forecasts about next month’s bills and revenue.

But business projects? Sometimes I’d make $5000 in one day and sometimes I’d lose $3000 the next. And then lose $5000 the next. And then $2000 the next. And then make $10,000 the next. Honestly, I was addicted to the thrill, much like stock traders or gamblers get addicted to their respective thrills. On the whole I was net positive, but it wasn’t at all comfortable or predictable.

In those days, I mostly did two things for income: SEO arbitrag and Google Adwords arbitrage. I won’t go into the details, because it’s too “inside baseball”. But if you’ve ever been involved in either game, there’s a smart way to build a business with arbitrage and there’s a dumb way. I took the dumb route, living for the day instead of building for the future.

Combine those income fluctuations, a tanking economy, and clinical depression together and it makes for some difficult days and decisions.

Foreclosing on My Dreams

Foreclosure became the rational decision. I forced myself to take my emotions out of it. What kind of advice would I give a friend if she were in my situation?

This will probably get me a lot of flak (I can take it!), but I could actually still technically afford my home before (and after) getting the foreclosure process started. For me, it was purely a business decision.

At the time I decided on foreclosure, I was no longer living in the home and had no plans to ever move back. I had it rented out at a loss of $10,000 per year and I had $50,000 in the bank.

My income was no longer anywhere near $300,000/year as it had been in the heyday. It was, however, often somewhere between $20,000 and $100,000 per year. (There were two years with no income or negative income.) Not always good, but not always bad.

The problem, again, was that it was difficult to make forecasts about income when it fluctuated constantly. In the past, I would convince myself of the best case scenario. Now I decided to take the opposite route.

I asked myself some questions:

Assuming, worst case, that I’d earn $20,000 per year would it be smart to keep a home that was costing me more than $10k,000 per year? That answer was easy. Of course not.

What if I made $30,000 per year? No, still not smart to keep the home.

$40,000 per year? Doable, but still not ideal.

And on and on.

The rational business decision was to take the foreclosure, ruin my credit, lose my down payment, and save at least $70,000 by the time the foreclosure fell off my credit report. (It’d stay on my credit report for seven year — seven years where I’d lose $10,000 annually if I kept the home.)

In total, this home cost me well over $100,000 (down payment, opportunity costs, etc.) and today the home is “valued” at roughly 75% of what I paid for it over a decade ago. By most accounts, I made a smart decision.

I did try to work with the bank to avoid foreclosure, but the numbers didn’t work. I even tried a deed in lieu but they didn’t accept it. I probably could have figured something out, but once I’d made the foreclosure decision, I stopped caring. I accepted the consequences and moved on years before the foreclosure was completed. (As I mentioned last week, the foreclosure process took 3 years!)

Life after Foreclosure

What was life like with terrible credit and a foreclosure on my record? Good, actually.

I kept open two credit cards that didn’t have annual fees. Those were never closed by the banks. I still paid my bills in full every month. Four years into the foreclosure, I opened a secured credit card because I couldn’t get anything else and I thought it might help with my credit score. (It didn’t.)

My credit is still bad. According to Capital One’s CreditWise, I have a score of 720 and my FICO score is 654. (The foreclosure is still on my record for a few more months.) A FICO score of 654 is pretty poor. It’s in the bottom third of all Americans.

But you know what? Your credit score doesn’t mean as much as some people want you to believe. It’s much better to have a high credit score than a low credit score, obviously, but life without a high score is just fine.

Paying for everything in cash (or with my low-limit credit cards) has made me more appreciate folks who are in worse situations than mine. Sometimes it’s annoying (“Am I going to get approved for this apartment lease?”), but because I didn’t wait until I was near bankrupt to foreclose, I’ve never had any real money issues again. Even in the lean years.

A Happy Ending?

My net worth would be well over a million dollars if I hadn’t bought a home (and a luxury car and other silly stuff) but had put that cash into index funds instead. Regardless, my net worth is back into multiple six figures nowadays, and I’ll still be able to retire early, if I want.

I still travel when I feel like it. I still buy things I need or want. (Which isn’t much. My yearly spending is about $30,000.) I own a late-model used car (paid for with cash). I don’t plan to buy a home again anytime soon, but I’m not completely against it at some point. (That said, I’m generally of the GoCurryCracker “renters for life” mindset.)

I never did learn my business lesson, though. My income still fluctuates wildly. I had a terrible 2016 but managed to earn $80,000 in 2017. I’m still addicted to the thrill, I guess. Maybe someday I’ll learn.

The post Money story: Return of the frugal jerk appeared first on Get Rich Slowly.

[silviajburke]

The Next Trillion-Dollar Tech Businessv

This post The Next Trillion-Dollar Tech Businessv appeared first on Daily Reckoning.

“Everyone’s going to want to use it for porn,” I said.

I was talking with my friend Steven Kotler, author of several of my favorite books like “Bold” and “Tomorrowland” and one of the foremost thought leaders on the state of the future. We were talking about virtual reality.

I wasn’t right about the porn. Well, maybe I was. I’ll guess we’ll find out.

But the truth is, virtual reality has the power to impact our culture like no innovation before. We will literally be living in a new world.

You may have heard about virtual reality late last year. It got a lot of press. It’s quieted down lately, but this trend is for real.

One thing Steven mentioned is that, for reasons too complicated to dive into, VR will be able to release the five most potent pleasure chemicals in our brain: norepinephrine, dopamine, serotonin, anandamide and endorphins. These chemicals make VR really fun and addictive. Like a video game on crack.

Sign me up.

Back in the ‘90s, my dream was to go to graduate school to learn about virtual reality. Virtual reality was just in the beginnings then. My goal at the time was to build an artificial intelligence (AI)-based model of emotions so that the characters you find in a virtual reality can respond to with “real” emotions.

Whatever. I was thrown out of graduate school so it didn’t work. But I never stopped keeping track. I watched it build bit by bit over the past two decades.

Now it is here. And we have to pay attention.

This has big implications, even outside of the porn industry. For instance, education. That cocktail of happy hormones is really good at improving brain function and memory. This could be revolutionary for our education system in terms of customized learning and equal access for all kids.

Or jobs. Think about it. A virtual world opens up literally endless possibilities in terms of a brand new marketplace. Why go to a store to buy a shirt when you can try on and purchase a customized fit without leaving your house?

Hell, you could climb Mount Everest if you wanted to, or go to the polar ice caps to study global warming.

VR has the capacity to launch the largest migration in human history. As in, we could basically be living entirely in a virtual world. Working, making friends, having meaningful experiences.

I have to admit this to you. I’m a little scared. I don’t know exactly what this world will look like. What will this mean for the non-virtual world? Will any of us ever leave our couches again?

But the truth is, it doesn’t matter if you’re scared. People are buying VR headsets. The future is here, and it’s virtual reality. And we have to pay attention.

So here’s some good news.

Technology is constantly accelerating. Every year, it’s getting faster and faster, developing and expanding exponentially. And when it does this, it creates huge opportunity. VR is going to create an opportunity like we’ve only seen twice before.

First there was the Internet. This was a trillion-dollar opportunity. It’s still ongoing, but the Internet is the present — not the future.

The app store was the second trillion-dollar opportunity. The entire ecosystem of smartphones and tablets and the cloud and applications moved computing into our hands.

And now the third trillion-dollar opportunity has finally arrived: virtual reality. This year for virtual reality is like 1994 for the Internet. The first commercial AI headsets will be launched. The chips are being developed. The storage is getting prepared. The entire infrastructure for the third trillion-dollar opportunity has been created in the past 20 years.

Many of the companies creating the technology and hardware are private. But some are public.

If you think that virtual reality is a rising opportunity (and you really should), then these are some public companies on the forefront of the technology:

Facebook (FB): Facebook offers the Oculus Rift headset, which went on sale for $600. It was a major hit.

The company is looking at at least $2 billion in sales, but it won’t be profitable for Facebook until 2021 at the earliest. It might be interesting in the same way that Amazon (AMZN) is interesting — it doesn’t make money, but it is the platform of the future, so the stock rises.

Alphabet (GOOG): Alphabet is there too, with something called Google Cardboard, which is a simple cardboard viewer that wraps around a smartphone and costs around $20.

Rumor is they were using it as an entry for a $200-$400 version expected to launch this year.

Google has also invested in Magic Leap, a start-up that’s developing augmented reality technology (AR). Unlike VR, AR projects holographic images over their current surroundings. It’s an interesting twist, like a heads-up display for regular life.

Google may have failed reaching mass market with Google Glass, but they learned a lot about what the consumer wants with the technology. This could potentially give them a first-mover advantage over some of the other companies they are competing against.

Sony (SNE): Sony has developed a VR headset for the PlayStation, and it’s interesting because it has an established user base to sell to (PlayStation owners). The company’s is on track to sell 120 million PlayStation 4s during the device’s lifetime.

Apple (AAPL): This is largely speculation, but Apple did acquire a software company called Metaio $32 million and it holds several VR patents. It also bought another company for $345 million.

Microsoft (MSFT): Microsoft is going the same route as Google, with the HoloLens augmented reality device that overlays high-definition holograms in your field of vision.

Its focus is new ways to teach, create, and collaborate. HoloLens devices became available to developers in the United States and Canada last year.

Other names to watch in this space are Qualcomm (QCOM), Disney (DIS) and Nvidia (NVDA).

This opportunity is just too big to ignore.

These are some ways to invest in the virtual reality trend, and there are others ways to make money off of large trends.

I’m following them all closely.

Regards,

James Altucher for The Daily Reckoning

The post The Next Trillion-Dollar Tech Businessv appeared first on Daily Reckoning.

[easyweight101]

Cogniflex Review: Don’t Buy Before You Read This!

What is it?

Cogniflex is a nootropic supplement that is advertised for its benefits to memory and mental performance. They claim that it is a powerful stimulant and adaptogen that stimulates central nervous system energy and activity without making users edgy or irritable.

Their advertising goes on to say that it is beneficial for other functions as well, such as creativity, productivity, and problem solving skills. Cogniflex say that it can be beneficial for students, intellectual professionals, athletes, and other people looking for boosts in their mental performance.

The nootropic product that has tested the highest with our panel of neurology and physiology experts is Memotenz. It has shown remarkable effectiveness when compared to both control groups and to competing brands of mental performance aids. Click here to learn more about the different ways that nootropics like Memotenz can be beneficial for health and happiness.

Do You Know the Best Brain Enhancement Supplements of 2017?

Cogniflex Ingredients and Side Effects

L-Carnitine Rhodiola Rosea Caffeine Bacopa Monnieri

L-Carnitine: An amino acid that is found naturally occurring in the body, or that can be taken as a supplement derived from animal tissues or milk. L-Carnitine is thought to potentially boost brain function, as well as heart health, muscular development, and other basic biological functions.

L-Carnitine is thought to be useful for improving cognition and energy levels. It has tested well for increasing the amount of blood flow, as well as increasing dopamine, serotonin, and adrenal functions in the brain, all of which have an impact on mental function. L-Carnitine may be useful for improving memory and learning, as well as focus and attention levels, especially in the elderly.

It has been shown to fight fatigue and increase the energy and activity levels of the mitochondria in the body’s cells. It also improves red blood cell production, reduces blood pressure and atherosclerosis, and helps improve the effects of exercise on the body.

L-Carnitine has shown some potential side effects during testing, however, that may compromise its overall effectiveness. Amongst the conditions that may be related to L-Carnitine consumption are:

Nausea and vomiting

Heartburn

Diarrhea

Fishy breath and body odor

Kidney failure

Seizures

Rhodiola Rosea: A flowering plant that grows best in arctic climates, especially those in Central Asia and the mountainous areas of Europe and North America. It is considered an adaptogen because of all of its potential benefits for mental functioning, however there is little data available that actually supports these claims.

The studies that have been performed have shown a very high probability of rhodiola rosea helping to reduce instances of fatigue and depression and to increase cognition, processing accuracy, and subjective well-being. It is also useful for helping users process and deal with stress and anxiety.

There have been no reported negative side effects related to rhodiola rosea consumption, although again there is very little data about its effects, especially in the long term.

Caffeine: One of the most consumed stimulants in the world. Caffeine is the active chemical that gives coffee, tea, sodas, and other food and beverage products their energy boosting effects.

Caffeine is used to fight fatigue, improve thinking speed, and alertness. Its mental benefits tend to be fairly short lived, and a “crash” is often associated with the after effects of taking caffeine.

This has led to the belief amongst doctors and nutritional scientists that caffeine is an acceptable short-term stimulant in many instances, however it is not recommended for long term use.

One of the other reasons beyond just the crashing effect that it is not always recommended by health care professionals is that there are a number of side effects that have been possibly associated with caffeine consumption, some of them serious.

Caffeine accelerates users’ heartbeat, which can elevate blood pressure levels and lead to health complications like hypotension and heart damage. Other side effects that may be related to caffeine consumption include:

Anxiety and irritability

Insomnia

Stomach irritation and diarrhea

Irregular heartbeats

Death

Caffeine can also worsen the effects several conditions such as bi-polar disorder, diabetes, glaucoma, IBS and osteoporosis.

Bacopa Monnieri: A creeping herb found most frequently in swamps and wetlands also known as brahmi or water hyssop. Studies have shown that taking bacopa monnieri may be beneficial for improving memory function and hand eye coordination.

Like rhodiola, bacopa Monnieri is also often classified as an adaptogen. Researchers have shown that it is useful for improving mental functions such as anxiety, depression, and cognitive performance, as well as for improvement of general outlook.

There are very few side effect concerns that have been raised by researchers in regards to bacopa monnieri. There have never been any issues raised about its long term safety.

Click here to learn how nootropic supplements can improve your mood and help you increase your productivity levels at school or work.

EDITOR’S TIP: Combine this product with a proven brain enhancement supplement such as Memotenz for better results.

Cogniflex Quality of Ingredients

Cogniflex has an ingredients blend that is not well vetted. Bacopa monnieri is the only chemical in its mix that our team actually recommends. Caffeine has a strong history of proven effectiveness in some senses, however it is a very inefficient chemical that is not recommended for long-term daily usage.

L-Carnitine and rhodiola rosea do not have the types of clinical pedigrees that our team of experts needs to see in order to be able to recommend Cogniflex. Caffeine and L-Carnitine have both shown that they can be potentially hazardous or even fatal in some users, leading to serious reservations about the overall safety of Cogniflex for all users.

Bacopa monnieri does have a respectable ingredient profile and can be a useful part of a nootropic supplement. It is recommended most when paired with other proven effective mental performance additives.

Follow this link to find out which cognitive enhancement products have the best track records with improving users’ job performance and grade point averages.

The Price and Quality of Cogniflex

Cogniflex can be found through a number of online vitamins and supplements dealers, or it can be purchased from their manufacturer directly. While the possible retail prices may vary somewhat, users should generally be able to find it for sale in the following price range:

1, 60-count bottle of Cogniflex capsules: $48.00-$68.00

This is quite expensive for a product of this nature. Most nootropic supplements retail for far less than Cogniflex.

To read more of our experts’ advice about how to determine the nootropic supplement that will be the most effective for your needs, follow this link.

Business of Cogniflex

Cogniflex is produced by a supplements manufacturing company named Sure Science, LLC. The contact information that they post on their website is:

Phone Number: (800) 767-4440

Address: PO Box 25380

Santa Ana, CA 92799

Email: contact@cogniflex.com

There is very little information about the business of Sure Science, however they do not seem to have any history of legal or ethical misdeeds.

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EDITOR’S TIP: For the best results, our experts recommend using brain enhancement supplements for at least 3 months. Save your money by buying a few bottles at once.

Customer Opinions of Cogniflex

The reviews for Cogniflex so far have been very poor. The most common ranking for it on Amazon is just one star, and the responses that customers have written are often similar to these:

“This was the worst experience I’ve ever had. Made me deathly sick. My stomach hurts all the time.”

“So useless that they may have been filled with sawdust. The name Cogniflex is accurate though: once you’re cognitive of the fact that they don’t work, you’re very flexible about throwing them in the trash.”

“Made me a zombie. I was emotionally numb for three days before finally throwing them out. Never again.”

The two main issues that were brought up in the reviews were lack of effectiveness and the frequency of side effects, many of which sounded extremely unpleasant. There were also quite a few reports of outwardly rude and unhelpful customer service agents.

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Conclusion – Does Cogniflex Work?

Other than bacopa monnieri, Cogniflex does not have an optimal ingredients list. Instead of focusing on proven nootropic agents, they use a questionably effective blend that is also potentially dangerous to some users.

Caffeine specifically is considered a lower quality supplement for mental performance aids. Its benefits are short lived, and caffeine can ultimately be counter-productive over the long run for the specific reasons that people take it.

It is an expensive supplement, however the reviews from customers are not particularly positive. For a product to cost as much as Cogniflex does, they should be getting so many one-star reviews, and there should especially not be so many reports of side effects and negative experiences.

The nootropic supplement that our team of health and wellness experts recommends the highest is Memotenz. It is a powerful blend of herbs and chemicals that have been proven to benefit mental performance in a variety of ways.

It uses bacopa monnieri as one of the main pieces of its blend, but it also pairs it with ginkgo biloba – one of the most potent legal cognitive enhancement supplements that doesn’t require a prescription. Click here to learn more about ginkgo, bacopa monnieri, and the rest of the ingredients in Memotenz’s proprietary blend.

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[tattoosandporcelain-blog]

Coree Marx The past couple of days had been better than the weeks before for the couple within their relationship as Coree continued trying to keep herself open despite the feeling of needing to close herself off.  The transition into the apartment seemed to be going well enough as the last of Coree’s things were brought in from a moving company and she was in the apartment full time now as her own apartment keys were turned in as of Saturday morning.  Sunday morning, she and Barron woke up on the mattress and box springs that sat on their bedroom floor as the bed frame had yet to be purchased after she’d sold off most of her own furniture with the exception of the sofa and dining room table.  The sofa could still go without issue, but thinking that it would be easier to afford furnishing one room together at a time if he wasn’t letting her dip into the song sales that he wanted her to hold onto for safe keeping.  She didn’t blame him for thinking it, as it did offer both of them some assurances as it could pay the rent for the apartment for almost the entire year and take pressure off of them later should the water run dry for a period of time.

As she woke up next to him, she’d been up and down several times during the night as her dreams were a little too clear, a little too loud, and a little too lost each time she’d open her eyes.  Managing to slip out of the bed from where she had laid against him, she made her way into the bathroom before she was going to the kitchen to find her coffee pot already set up allowing her to simply press a button to get it started again.  While standing there in the kitchen, her eyes cut down to a newspaper from the day before that sat on the kitchen counter.  ‘Tying the knot’ was boasted against the headline for an article talking about the current state of marriage in the country as the next generation didn’t seem so eager to settle down.  This wasn’t the first time in the last few days she’d come eye to eye with something that was speaking to her proposal of sorts.  Almost leaving her to wonder if the world was telling her to do it again, only this time in a manner that was planned and not so spur of the moment as the last had been as they had seen how well that one had worked out.  Turning over the newspaper, she walked back towards the bedroom where she’d find a man still sleeping, but not for long.

Returning to bed, she’d join him as she waited for the coffee to be ready, pressing a kiss to the side of his neck as she attempted to wake him gently, never wanting to draw the man too quickly from sleep even if she had done just that in the middle of the night.  A few kisses later and the man seemed to stir there beside her, prompting that smile to her features.  “Good morning,” she whispered, a kiss laid to his neck once more before she was drawing one leg over his, drawing into him a little more now that she’d seen proof that he was at least somewhat awake.  Despite the exhaustion he’d find in her eyes, her morning demeanor was forever gentle and nurturing, greeting each morning with the potential that it would be a good day as her optimism in those early morning hours seemed to have no end.  The alarm clock radio sitting on the floor beside the bed boasted 8:59 a.m. before it suddenly clicked over to 9 a.m. and the local radio station came blaring through the speakers.  ‘Marry Me’ by Bruno Mars came blaring through, causing a quick cut of her eyes as she pulled away from him, stretching over to turn it off before it got to the chorus, not sure that he’d know the song or the verses of it, but finding it a little too ironic that so many signs were coming at her in one morning.  A laugh was there at her lips as she’d internalize all that she’d been bombarded with the last few days when it came to the universe clearly trying to speak to her, to keep her opened up, to keep her communicating, though the signs towards that conversation were still a little too heavy for her to remotely deal with.  She couldn’t face the rejection.  Not again.  Not so soon after the last.  And yet she knew there were still things to talk about there.  

In the back of an SUV, on a street in New York City, the two had sought one another in the physical form in the hours that passed since everything had blown up between them, leaving both of them embarrassed beyond words and Coree wondering if she’d ever be able to walk back in that building again.  But there in the back of the SUV, there had been words exchanged.  She’d told him then that she loved him, she was sorry, and she wanted to marry him.  It was said only once to which he had replied with something that would easily lead her to believe that he loved her, he accepted her apology, and he wanted to marry her too, knowing if those things were not reciprocated in that moment, he surely would have stopped all progress.  Although it didn’t undo the fact that there had been that rejection there, in the days that would follow, she couldn’t help but wonder if what she thought he’d said in his kiss that night in the back of the SUV was what he’d actually said.  She didn’t know if she could handle bringing it up only to have it turned away again.  She did not want it to turn into another fight between the two as she saw no point that they should be fighting about their relationship status, but emotions ran high on the subject and she was in a difficult position.

Giving him a bit more time to wake up there, she found her place against him as her hand passed gently against his stomach, drawing shapes against the ink that existed, mindlessly letting her fingertips trace his skin.  “Baby?” she finally asked, her voice kept low and her eyes kept closed.  “I want to spend my life with you just like this,” she confessed, loving nothing more than waking up to him each and every day and engaging in the mindless day to day comings and goings that were mundane to anyone else, but always had a way of meaning something with her.  

Barron Presley The month was approaching fast. A year to the date of his own personal mensis horribilis. The spark that had ignited the flame of his current day to day still burned too hot to acknowledge the bright sides. Too dark of a shadow that marred his day to day and all potential progress. To the outside world, he was doing well. The best he had ever done maybe some 5 years late. If it was up to his mother, he would have stared school immediately. He had ample cause as the private pupil of one of the best college professors in the world. Having graduated well ahead of schedule and being indulged in a less than traditional education. It was that same education that had provided fuel to a deeper fire. A hunger for things and knowledge outside of the norm, a sense of cynicism and a need to ask “why?” Still, it hadn’t been in the cards for him. Try as anyone might to convince him. That he was “wasting” his intelligence without school and that he was bound for bigger things, he saw no path proving successful that led through college. Truth be told, he still didn’t. He didn’t think of graduation nor could he ever imagine he’d get there. His destination wasn’t the degree that he doubted he’d ever get nor was he even sure it was the knowledge or the experience. It was that the man was loss. No doubt in the midst of a quarter life crisis and stuck somewhere between what made him happy and what made those around him happy. His love for those people so great that it overcame his own insatiable need to self-destruct and over indulge in all the “finer” things.

Try as he might to convince himself otherwise, he simply felt he was at an impasse. A bird in a gilded cage. The world was out there. Full of substance, loud music and serotonin yet there he was. All the trappings of a upincoming and intelligent young man but anyone who knew him truly recognized it was merely a mask he put on in the morning and took off in the evening. An empty bottle was never too far from his feet and a pipe from his fingertips. Everything tasted dull. Seeing in black and white. His former world had passed away as did his co-pilot on the highway to hell. Beware the Ides of March. A dead bestfriend and bandmate, a hotel room, an expensive lawyer, a bundle of dope and 4 months in Rikers. It all had happened so fast. Yet, he stayed true to that suicide pact. He might not be dead and in the ground but he wasn’t in there anymore. He had buried his burden in that coffin during that funeral he was never allowed to be at not to mention he was in the pen for.

The sound of that damned radio had him nearly jumping out of his tattooed skin. Knowing when the alarm set off somewhere from that drowsy haze as his mind attempted to click over to go-mode yet it seemed stuck in first gear. Waking briefly but hardly opening his eyes. Settling back down as the song of choice wasn’t noted nor was it known. Nothing pissed him off more than sh*tty, generic and overdone pop music and that would have fallen in that circle for him and no doubt earn the alarm a toss to the wall. Not quite registering anything else, he’d feel her against his stomach. Hardly a morning person as she continued at it. Hearing her speak as he’d give a low hum at her statement. As far as he knew it, that’s what they were doing. He wasn’t with anyone else nor was she to his knowledge nor did he think she ever would. They were moving at their own pace which had always been just fine with her. Now wasn’t the time to rock the foundation under the false illusion that he finally had his sh*t together as she’d be sadly mistaken…

Coree Marx Earning nothing more than a hum from the man, his distaste for the morning hours was nothing new to her as she’d seen it for six years now almost each and every day with small lapses in time in between, yet her own morning demeanor remained much in the same, even with the lack of sleep she’d been experiencing lately.  She had made it her own personal mission for years now to start out his day just as positive as she possibly could and today would be no exception.  With one leg drawn against his, she slipped over on top of him, straddling the man as she let her lips find his neck once more, a morning routine that he wasn’t a stranger to in the least over the last several months where the woman was no longer holding back her desires no matter what the repercussions of such were.  If one good thing had come of her spontaneous proposal to the man, it was that he taught her that she could trust him not to run anymore.  He could have left the premises entirely, leaving her at that studio, but he didn’t.  He took some space, but he didn’t disappear, and for her, it spoke volumes.  There, she’d find the faith to be honest with him, knowing that they’d find their way through it and it wouldn’t involve her look at the closed side of a door in her face without knowing when she’d see him again.  These were the things they needed to go through, needing to experience.  She needed to trust that he was there, fighting for her just as hard as she fought for him and he needed to know that if he didn’t run away, she’d give chase to him.  She’d come for him for the rest of her life and never would he face this world without her.

As her lips passed over his pulse, she tasted the beat of him there beneath her lips, taking her time in showing those affections to him as she lured him from that sleep with far more grace than her alarm clock would provide to either of them, although he had been the one startled by it.  Humming softly her own response to him there to the side of his neck, her hands found his upper arms, gripping against the man’s build that only seemed to get bigger as he got older, remembering the scrawny boy a little too well, though not at all displeased by the shape he’d found himself in.  “So I was thinking…” she began, her voice kept to a whisper as she continued the process of waking him up.  “That we could get up, get a shower, and maybe go look for some actual bedroom furniture.  Then maybe we could go by a pet store… play with the puppies for a bit before coming home,” she suggested, her teeth finding the shell of his ear.  

Heated breath fell against the curve of his ear as she felt a tightening within her stomach, a pain that had been ailing her for most of the night, yet it only seemed to get more and more intense every time.  Releasing her light hold on his ear, she drew to the man’s shoulder, resting the side of her face against him as she drew in a sharp breath there through that pain.  Biting against her own lower lip as her touch changed completely, although she’d simply just try to find her way through it.  Knowing her stomach was tied to her emotions, she’d sold it to herself as simply stress, not realizing there might be something more going on beneath the surface.  Clenching her eyes closed, he wouldn’t be able to see her face from this angle, yet he’d be able to find that tension in the woman that was normally quite relaxed and of good spirits first thing in the morning.  Deciding it was surely stress or perhaps even hunger, she took slow, deep breaths as she tried to find her way to the other side of that pain.  

Barron Presley ”You’re so lucky you are cute.” The man was muttering to her as she persisted, assuring that she was reminded of how much he hated mornings. Hated waking up early. Especially on Sundays. Classes kept him going a mile a minute otherwise. Tutoring gigs that brought in a bit of money when people actually realized that he was really offering tutoring gigs and it wasn’t a method of getting laid. His main claim to fame was as a studio musician but his limited time assured he didn’t have many nine to ten hour sessions just laying around to tend to the whims of a musician who very well might not even lay a finalized track in that time assuring that he did not get his cut or paid. His mother insisted that she’d pay his expenses. A bank account had a steady check deposited to him every single week for rent and then some. More than he’d ever spend truth be told. The two had a unique relationship which had always drawn a bit of tension between himself and his older sister. He was undoubtedly the favorite to a mother otherwise rather stand-offish but that was a tale for another day. He held his mother’s heart within his palm and it was for that he primarily behaved and little else.

Feeling the woman come onto him, she had stayed much the same since their beginnings. Different haircuts and make up styles came and went. Whereas, he had matured. Now days looking like someone had stuck a tire pump in him and inflated him up twice his normal size. Feeling her to his neck as she really did her best with this one. Humming low as she began as to what she had been thinking as if it required him getting out of bed, it would be a fight. Hearing exactly what she was thinking, he groaned low from sealed lips and sealed eyes. Yet, all it all went silent when he expected her to continue her prodding. He’d slowly open his own eyes. Clouded shades of light blue struggling to dilate against the morning sun. Yet, looking down towards her, he could tell that something was off. “What is it?” he’d ask tiredly through a yawn that had his arms reaching upwards in a stretch.

Coree Marx She was a persistent little thing if nothing else and it had always been that way as he well knew.  She’d keep on until she either got her way or a strong compromise that would work for the both of them, but she’d never let something just fall off the way she was leaving this one there on the table.  With her eyes closed, she wouldn’t see him looking down towards her, but she’d hear the concern in his voice as he asked what was wrong.  She hummed a negative response as if to say she was alright, but it was clear by her inability to form words in the moment that she was not alright, in fact in a great amount of pain that was only increasing by the second.  Finding it difficult to breathe in the moment, she’d draw sharp breaths, trying to fight through that pain to catch a full breath of air but it was of no use.   The pain radiated through her in pulses like something was ripping her apart from the inside.  

Previously able to walk it off, this time she wasn’t sure she could do it.  The bite at her lower lip grew tighter as the woman remained silent there against him, feeling that tightening in her stomach yet again, unable to hide the whimper that would pass her lips.  “Just stress,” she managed to offer as it was the only thing she could truly figure was going on with her.  They had a rough few days there a few days back and since then the label was down her throat with this idea and that on just how to get the studio version of herself onto a stage.  Aside from that, the deal with Little Big Town had been trying at times and now that it was all settled, she could only imagine that she was just feeling the effects of burning the candle at both ends for the last few weeks.  Finally drawing a full breath, the pain subsided at least momentarily, allowing her to turn her head slightly, her eyes remaining closed as her hands held tight against his upper arms where the tension in that pain would be evident for him to have picked up on.  “So, the furniture… what are you thinking?” she asked, trying to bring them back on topic now that things were loosening on her end, though the fact that these pains were getting worse spoke loudly to the woman, though there wasn’t much she could do about it on a Sunday.

-February 26, 2017