#it’s not until he doesn’t have exy anymore cause riko took it from him that he leaves

[odetojupiter]

the fact that kevin day also witnessed a man being chopped up in the tower at evermore after neil’s audition is mad, and it’s something that is very much not addressed ever. like, maybe part of kevin was so accepting of how things were in the nest because he knew that this is the second branch, and if he were to leave, he’d become the main branch’s problem because he knows too much, and the main branch casually chops men up as a warning to literal children. and then he’s still called a coward for leaving ?? but also a coward for wanting to go back to make the inevitable less painful for him ??? and that’s not even considering what riko and tetusji did to him specifically, before even jean arrived at the nest. and his mother’s death would’ve been quite recent at that point. just insane.

[kevindayisafrog]

Part 3 of the Kevneil thing (IB @knandersonart on IG)

TW - torture, detailed injury and physical abuse, verbal abuse, blood

“That was quite a show back there”, Riko’s lips curled cruelly as he took a step into the bathroom, letting the door slam shut behind him and his men, “making me seem inferior to show off to your little foxes”. Kevin swallowed a lump and stepped back to press himself against the bathroom wall, “I wasn’t showing off, I was just telling the truth. We’ll beat you and you know it”. Kevin’s heart was thumping loudly in his ears as Riko slowly closed the space between them. “Oh, do I? Do you really think that you’ve ever been in a position to say what I know? A pet like you?”, Riko laughed then scowled, his voice like gravel, “don’t make me laugh”. He raised his hand and in one quick movement full of practice, knocked Kevin to the floor. Kevin exhaled sharply as a shooting pain exploded across his jaw, rattling his teeth. “I’ve missed this”, Riko smiled and kicked Kevin in the ribs, breathing in a delirious gasp before kicking Kevin until his foot hurt. “Have you met my boys?”, Riko clicked his fingers and crouched down, stroking Kevin’s swollen jaw lightly as the two men stood over him, “it’s a shame, Kevin, we could’ve gotten along really well if you weren’t such a push over”. Kevin spat onto Riko’s cheek and winced at the sharp pain it caused across his mouth, “fuck you”, he groaned through clenched teeth. “I wish you could”, Riko wiped the spit off with his thumb and gouged it into Kevin’s eye, “right boys, it’s your turn”. Riko stood up and turned to leave the room, shouting for the men not to kill Kevin before leaving the room with a slam of the door. “You know that you’re just dogs to him, he’ll kill you too when you’re not useful anymore”, Kevin glared at the men and tried to keep his voice even despite the fear crawling up his throat. “Shut up and bite this”, the tallest man leaned down and shoved a ball of cloth into Kevin’s mouth, “we can’t risk people hearing your screams as we tear you apart”. Kevin whimpered and made to sit up and get away as the other man pulled a knife from his blazer pocket. He shook his head in a pleading no and screamed when the knife ripped down his side, blood spilling down to the front of his once pristine white shirt. The man with the knife inspected his handiwork with a small smile and kneeled out of the way as the taller one shoved Kevin onto his front. His heavy knee was pressed between Kevin’s shoulder blades while his hand pressed Kevin’s head forcibly down onto the cold tile floor. The knife was brought back to Kevin’s skin, leaving little lines across each dip of his spine. “What shall we carve?”, the man holding Kevin down asked with a smile in his voice, “how about your owner’s name?” Kevin screamed and attempted to thrash about as he felt Riko’s name being carved through his blazer into his skin. “Make sure he doesn’t bleed out”, one of the men grunted, shoving his free hand onto the torn skin in an attempt to stop the blood from spilling over onto the tiles. Kevin felt as bile tore up his throat, burning his mouth as it stay trapped behind the make shift gag. Kevin squeezed his eyes shut and screamed as his tears began to fall, causing the two men to laugh. “No wonder you’re the pet, you’re such a coward”, the man with the knife laughed before slamming his elbow into the side of Kevin’s head. He stood up and stared down at the blood covering the floor, sniffing before nodding in satisfaction, “let him go”. The man lifted his knee cautiously from Kevin’s back and stood up, stretching his legs before laughing at the mess of Kevin’s limp body. “Take the gag out and let’s go, we can’t let anyone see us”, the tall man nodded to the shorter one who walked over and pulled the gag out, grimacing at the damp bile lining the back of it. They both stared down at Kevin before leaving silently, this time not letting the door slam behind them. Kevin let out a shaky breath and pushed his head harder onto the floor, letting the pain in his head replace the burning in his back.

“Kevin? Shit”. Kevin opened his eyes groggily as he felt hands grip his shoulders. He sat up quickly and cowered away before remembering the pain and collapsing back onto the floor, accepting whatever beating he was about to get. Except the next touch he felt was a gentle brush of his hair and a thumb stroking his cheek as Nicky leaned down and whispered reassurances into his ear. “Don’t worry, Matt’s gone to get Coach, you’ll be okay”, Nicky’s voice wavered as he tried to swallow down his fear at the sight of all the blood. Kevin squeezed his eyes shut and attempted to sit up, grateful for Nicky’s gentle help. “Tell them not to worry, I’ll be okay. I’ve played with worse injuries”, Kevin grunted as he tried to roll his shoulder despite the blinding pain. “Can you not think about Exy for one fucking minute? You should be thankful that you can’t see what you look like”, Nicky had the back of his hand pressed against his mouth, quiet tears rolling down his cheeks. “Kevin!”, the bathroom door smacked open as Wymack barged in with Abby and Matt close behind, “fuck’s sake, what did I say? I said to come to me if he-fuck”. Wymack turned away and swore before turning back and dropping to his knees next to Kevin, “you kids are gonna be the death of me”. Kevin smiled sadly and dropped his head onto his father’s shoulder, fantasizing for a bleak moment that circumstances were different and Coach was supporting him out of love, not duty. “There’s too much blood, I don’t know where it’s coming from”, Abby kneeled on the other side of Kevin and began to pull off his blazer, “I’m sorry, I know it hurts, I know”. She peeled his blood soaked blazer and shirt off, whimpering at the sight of the deep cuts and dark bruises. “Matt, take Nicky out and get the others on the bus, don’t you fucking dare let anyone out of your sight”, Wymack rubbed a hand down his face and sighed tiredly. Matt nodded and pulled Nicky off the floor, dragging him out of the bathroom with an arm over his shoulder. “Did Riko do this?”, Wymack asked as Abby began working on the long tear down Kevin’s side. “Is Neil okay?”, Kevin whispered, closing his eyes and clenching his fists in his lap. “Neil? Who the fu-the Wesninski kid? Do I want to know why you need that information?”, Wymack placed a hand on the back of Kevin’s head and grabbed a fistful of hair, pulling on it protectively. “I just need to know he’s okay”, Kevin looked up at his dad and frowned, “please”. Wymack glared at Kevin before sighing and standing up, “I won’t be long, don’t you fucking dare move”. Kevin gestured to Abby who began stitching his side back up with a deadpan expression and watched as Wymack left the room. “I hate seeing you kids hurt, why would anyone want to do this to my foxes?”, Abby cut the last of the stitches off with small scissors and stared down at her handiwork. “I’m sorry”, Kevin whispered, unable to look her in the eye. Abby leaned over and placed a gentle kiss onto Kevin’s forehead before slowly turning him to check his back and, by her choked gasp, it was a mess. “Kevin”, she whispered, sorrow weighing her words down and making Kevin feel guilty for hurting her. “I’m sorry”, he whispered again, slowly pulling his legs to his chest with a wince and resting his head on his knees.

“The Wesninski kid is ‘fine’ apparently, but he wouldn’t let me go back to you without him coming along”, Wymack sighed as he pushed open the door and led Neil and Andrew into the room, “this blonde one threatened me with a fucking knife”. Neil took one look at Kevin and turned to leave the room only to be stopped as Wymack grabbed him by the shoulders and pushed him away from the door, “we’re not having anymore injuries today, do you fucking hear me?” Neil snorted and tried to shake him off, “you’re not my Coach”. Wymack pushed Neil away and gave a warning look over his shoulder to Andrew, “congratulations, I don’t care”. Neil sighed in frustration and dropped down to Kevin, cupping his face in his hands, “I shouldn’t have fucking left you”. Kevin pushed his hands off weakly and dropped their foreheads together, placing a small kiss against Neil’s lips, “it’s not your fault so shut up and come back with me”. He didn’t open his eyes to see Neil’s reaction, but by the sound of Neil’s sigh he guessed that he finally won the argument. “Yay, we’re coming home with you, big guy”, Andrew kicked the back of Wymack’s foot and walked over to Kevin, “you look like shit”. Kevin huffed a tired laugh and pulled his head away from Neil’s. ��I didn’t invite you two to come back with us”, Wymack grunted, but he called Matt to warn the others of the new arrivals anyway. “There you go”, Abby whispered as she finished stitching Kevin’s back, “that’s going to leave quite the scar, but we’ll cross that bridge when we get to it”. She helped Kevin back into his blazer, balling up the torn shirt in her hands and shoving it into the provided bin in the corner of the bathroom. She turned and watched as Andrew and Neil helped Kevin up with a small smile, “welcome to the team, boys”.

[girlslovebugs]

kevin and andrew’s deal

good morning here’s my expanded explanation of why i personally think andrew’s deal with kevin only applied to protection from the moriyamas (all under the cut because i’m tired of this discourse too man) tbh looking through again it IS more nuanced than i originally thought but my original claim is still really the only thing that makes sense and here’s why why

for starters, i want to analyze how andrew protects kevin. the first time we see andrew doing something in that general capacity is the columbia drugging. andrew sees neil’s stalker binder and, reasonably, assumes that he is a moriyama pawn trying to hurt kevin/bring kevin back. so andrew plans to 1) incapacitate neil 2) interrogate neil and 3) if necessary, get rid of neil. the next time is when riko confronts neil and kevin after kathy’s show. andrew uses himself as a distraction(opening his arms, greeting riko, positioning himself between riko and neil) while neil and kevin escape. from these two instances, it seems that when andrew thinks the stakes are high he’ll try to get the situation under control  and kevin safe as soon as he can. but tbh this doesn’t matter unless u want me to really go in depth as to why i don’t think the deal was complete and total protection but tldr; this IS what i’d consider protecting kevin. compared to this, punching someone hours after they punch kevin is just performative (but more on the matt counterargument at the bottom). anyways, onto the two main quotes that i think imply my main point!

"Don't worry," Nicky said, with a failed attempt at cheer. "Andrew will protect you."

Kevin flicked him a horrified look. "These are the Moriyamas, Nicky. This is not Riko and the master; this is not Neil's father. Andrew can't—" (TKM 286-287).

this ones pretty self explanatory imo: kevin lists off who andrew promised to protect him and neil from and notice how “anybody who might ever give kevin shit” aren’t on the list. andrew knew from the start that he couldn’t protect kevin from the moriyamas who would, by definition, be included if andrew’s protection extended to everyone who might want to hurt kevin. 

Neil guessed he meant their more optimistic teammates. "You're going to have to come up with something of your own to hold onto. I'm safe, Kevin doesn't need your protection anymore, Nicky's going back to Erik eventually, and Aaron's got Katelyn. What are you going to live for if you're not playing sheepdog for us?" (TKM 342). 

this one happens after kevin, neil, and jean are freed from the moriyamas after promising 80% of their pro salaries to them. the ravens are no longer kevin’s problem, therefore andrew no longer needs to protect him. imo if andrew was offering kevin complete protection, andrew being free of the moriyamas wouldn’t be cause for termination because there would still be rabid ravens fans, foxes infighting (next year), 

now, re: punching matt, because i saw someone use it as proof that the promise wasn’t just for the ravens/riko/tetsuji

i don’t want to tag them in case they get annoyed but @/alltheshadesofamber pretty much hit the nail right on the head with this one. andrew doesn’t do revenge therefore punching matt AFTER matt had already punched kevin and kevin was no longer in danger would have been, yes, revenge. so, unless he’s a big fat giant liar, andrew punched matt for the same reason he plans on killing proust: because he said he would.

"Revenge is a motivator only for the weak-willed,"  Andrew said.

"If you believed that you wouldn't be planning how to kill Proust." ... "This is not revenge," Andrew said. "I warned him what I would do to him if he touched me. This is me keeping my word " (TKM 135).

i’d also like to bring up this comment from the foxhole court: 

“It took only one wrong word to turn [Kevin and Seth’s] arguments into physical brawls. The fighting hit a peak on Wednesday afternoon when Andrew left practice early for his weekly therapy session. The second he vanished, Seth went for Kevin with fists flying” (122-123). 

while it was, indeed, mentioned that seth waited until andrew was gone to fight kevin, i’m going to go ahead and assume that this was out of self preservation in case andrew (who was very drugged and very violent at the time) intended to retaliate. remember, the foxes are completely in the dark about what andrew and kevin’s deal actually is. but there’s no mention afterwards of andrew attacking seth in kevin’s honor. if we’re going to assume that andrew punching matt was revenge, then andrew not attacking seth afterwards would be a violation of his and kevin’s deal in the first book already. however, andrew doesn’t get involved in kevin and seth’s feud which also leads me to believe that it was andrew upholding a different promise that still didn’t include andrew as someone he’d protect kevin from. i’m not going to go as far as to say that andrew never threatened violence if any of the other foxes were to attack kevin, because obviously he made some sort of promise that would ‘justify’ punching matt, but it wouldn’t include andrew. 

also exy is an incredibly violent sport and andrew would probably, like, get kicked out of the league trying to protect kevin from anybody who could possibly harm him physically lol

this did end up being shorter than i anticipated because it’s like 8pm here and i have homework but i just wanted 2 post it in case i need it as a point of reference at any point anyways how fucked is it that andrew messes up stores on purpose like man that’s the real throwaway line discourse we should be talking about like remember when he just??? took clothes off the hangers and left them on the floor??? and threw the hangers at nicky???

[emeraldwaves]

Title: A Hint of Something Magical Pairing: Jerejean, Alvarez/Laila Rating: T Word Count: 4059 Ao3 Summary: Being with the Trojans is a very different experience for Jean. They're happy and friendly, everything Jean believes he's not. He soon learns that even someone as bright as Jeremy Knox has a deep, unexpected obsession. The first fic in a small jerejean series i’m working on about them at disneyland <3. Full fic under the cut

Standing in the middle of Main Street, U.S.A at Disneyland, Jean feels overwhelmed. There are too many people hitting against his shoulder, bumping into his side, and he tries not to panic. Kids dash in front of him, laughing, not paying attention. By the front store to the left, a baby starts wailing and Jean resists the urge to cover his ears.

The worst part is, he's here by mistake. Not that he casually stumbled into Disneyland, but he made the mistake of saying he had never been in front of Jeremy Knox.

And unbeknownst to Jean, rule #1 of being a Trojan is to never mention Disneyland in front of their captain.

Which, of course, happened earlier in the week.

"You know," Jeremy explains, "Indiana Jones. The ride at Disneyland. Bumpy, dark, a little thrilling, totally worth waiting in the line even when it breaks down. One of the best rides in the park."

Jean's not sure if this is a compliment or an insult. "Are you comparing my play style to a ride?" he asks.

"Uh, yeah," Jeremy smiles, so genuine, so real. Jean's still not used to his demeanor; his whole sunshine personality is overwhelming. "One of the best in the park! Or do you disagree?"

Okay, apparently it’s a compliment.

"Uhm," Jean shifts his weight and he catches eyes with Laila and Alvarez who immediately start swiping their hands in front of their throats. He's not sure what that means, but he looks back to Jeremy who's blue eyes are eagerly shimmering, waiting for his answer. "I have never been to Disneyland."

"I knew it," Laila says.

"Uh oh," Alvarez sighs.

"We're officially doomed," Laila mutters, leaning against Alvarez dramatically.

Jeremy's eye twitches and he shakes his head. "No," he laughs awkwardly. "What? You've been in California this long and you still... you mean even before this you've... never..."

Jean tilts his head, confused by what Jeremy is doing. It looks like this is impossible for him to process. He blinks a few times, staring incredulously at Jean.

"Jeremy.exe has stopped running," Alvarez snorts. "We tried to warn you, Moreau."

Ah, the hand signal must have been some sort of warning. He logs that away to remember for the future.

Jean glances at the girls, but it seems this situation is a lost cause. "I wasn't allowed to leave the Nest unless..." he trails off, not wanting to expand on that topic anymore than he has to. He has been avoiding discussing the Nest in depth. There are so few happy memories there, and the last thing he wants to do is bring down the Trojans with his unhappy stories. They deal with his outbursts and frustrations enough.

"Shit," Jeremy mutters. "You really haven't been." He looks like he's still in shock. Shaking his head, he slams the bottom of his stick against the court and Jean jumps back a little. "This is unacceptable," Jeremy says, and shoves his hand into the pocket of his shorts. He pulls out a little card, decorated with the faces of Mickey, Donald and Goofy. "This weekend, we're going to Disneyland."

"I knew it," Laila says, a soft sigh slipping from her lips.

"Do you really keep your annual pass in the pocket of your shorts?" Alvarez snorts, rolling her eyes.

"Yeah!" Jeremy smirks. "You gotta be prepared for impromptu Disney trips at all times."

Jean blinks, watching the scene unfold. So far Jeremy has been one of the most relaxed exy players he's ever come across. He's incredibly talented, focused, a light of positive energy on the court. He has this way of making Jean feel he can do anything, even when he's angry and trapped in his old habits. Jeremy makes him feel like someday he can break them.

But this...

This is the most intense Jean has seen Jeremy in a long while.

"It's okay-" Jean begins to say.

"NO!" Jeremy yells, immediately cutting him off. He leans in towards Jean, gripping the pass in his hands. "It's Trojan tradition to go before the official start of the season anyway. We'll buy you a pass, and you can experience the happiest place on earth!"

Jean doesn't like the sound of that. It seems like the opposite of everything he is. He swallows and glances at the card. "Aren't those expensive?"

"Jean, don't worry about it," he says, placing a hand on Jean's shoulder. He gives it a gentle squeeze, the most physical contact Jeremy ever has with Jean. He sees him hug the girls and many of their other players, he high fives them and pulls them into huddles, but he always leaves Jean alone, letting him have whatever space he might need. This is as close as he'll get to physical contact right now. "I think you deserve a little happiness."

Jeremy smiles, and Jean still doesn't know how to say no. When Jeremy gets all smiley and excited, Jean's not sure he wants to.

And that's how he ends up at Disneyland, surrounded by far too many people, trying not panic.

"Jean!" Jeremy waves, and rushes back to where Jean waits at the top of Main Street, Laila and Alvarez right behind him. "What are you doing?" he asks. He's got on red and gold Mickey ears, the USC colors adorning his head. Jean thinks he looks kind of foolish, but then again, the majority of the people are walking down the street with varying colors and styles of these strange ears.

"I... Je... Je... me sens dépassé," he whispers, switching to his mother tongue. He doesn't want to disappoint Jeremy, especially when he seemed so excited to take him here.

"Okay," Jeremy says, obviously not understanding "I was gonna wait, but I do have a surprise for you."

He flips his backpack around, unzipping it to pull out a matching pair of ears. Laila and Alvarez have the same ones, the Trojan colors. It must be some sort of team thing they do. The ears look stupid, but Jean doesn't want to complain.

"Tada!" Jeremy says, reaching upward to place them on his head. "I got these custom made for you, so you can match us. Official Trojan member," he smiles. "You have to wear them when we come to the park!"

Jean blinks, adjusting the awkward way the headband sits on his head. "Have to. I understand," he mutters. This must be another sort of Trojan rule. In many ways, the Trojans are the exact opposite of the Ravens, but he supposes they do have some things they do as part of their team rituals. He can't complain. As silly as the ears look, they're not painful to wear, and Jeremy seems excited about it. Jean can handle this.

"Yup!" Jeremy smiles and nods, until he stops suddenly. "Oh. Oh! No!" he gasps and lunges forward, yanking the ears off his head and throwing them in the opposite direction, the headband flying down Main Street.

"Not again," Laila sighs.

"I chased after the last pair he threw," Alvarez grumbles.

"Yeah, yeah, I'm going," Laila says, jogging after the headband set.

Jean blinks, glancing from Jeremy's upset face to Laila jogging down through the crowd. He has many questions, unsure of what just happened, and why it, apparently, has happened before.

"Jean," Jeremy says, looking intently in his eyes. "I'm sorry. I... I shouldn't have done that. You don't have to do anything. Never. I promise. If you hate the ears you don't have to wear them."

Swallowing, Jean stares at Jeremy, still completely baffled. "...What?"

"I don't ever want you to feel like... you have to do something. We... I, will never ask you to do something you don't want. We are not the Ravens."

Jean doesn't know how to respond. No one has ever said anything like this to him before. The Ravens always looked through him, just as Riko instructed. He was their property. No one has ever looked at him like he's a person; with feelings and thoughts, opinions.

It's overwhelming.

Everything about this place is overwhelming, and yet something about the sincere way Jeremy is looking at him grounds him. 'You're not there anymore. You're here. Isn't this place perfect proof of your freedom?'

"I..." he starts to say, but Laila jogs up, gripping the headband in her hand.

She pants, rolling her eyes. "They made it all the way to the Starbucks."

"I think that's a new record," Alvarez mumbles.

"Here," she says, holding them out to Jeremy, but Jean leans forward and yanks them from her hand before Jeremy can grab them.

"Hey- Jean! I just said-"

He places the headband atop his head, the red and gold ears looking just as ridiculous as they do on everyone else. "I will wear them." He supposes he's starting to fit in.

Jeremy's cheeks flush, or maybe the sunlight hits his skin at just the right angle. He's a beacon for things like that, Jean's noticed. "O-Okay," he stammers. "But only if you want to."

Jean nods, and Jeremy stares at him, as if he's waiting for Jean to change his mind. When he doesn't move, Jeremy clears his throat and zips up his backpack, flinging it over his shoulder.

"Anyway, we're riding Indiana Jones first, because I need Jean to understand what I mean." Jeremy says, leading the group down Main Street.

Jean continues to follow them down the street. It's hard to believe this is a place people actually enjoy and find fun. Kids are wailing to their parents, the colors on the buildings are practically blinding underneath the California sun, loud music plays over the speakers and it’s so artificially happy.

Laila snorts, bringing Jean back to the group. "Yeah, because one ride on Indy is really going to give Jean the full scope of what you meant."

"What did you say anyway?" Alvarez asks.

"Bumpy, dark, a little thrilling, totally worth waiting in the line even when it breaks down," Jean repeats the words perfectly.

"Woah, you really took that to heart," Jeremy says, glancing back toward him.

Jean nods, and Jeremy twists his lips. He looks nervous and Jean wonders if maybe Jeremy thinks he's upset about the analogy. He's not. He just doesn't understand it, though knowing Jeremy, it's anything but offensive.

"I don't know if Jean will get the full experience if the ride doesn't break down," Laila says, forcing Jeremy's gaze away from Jean.

"Who are you kidding," Alvarez scoffs. "Indy breaks down once a day."

"True," Jeremy nods. "If we're lucky, we'll get stuck on the ride." He laughs loudly, far too excited about something that sounds bad. Maybe there are some things about the Trojans Jean will never understand.

"That's a good thing?" he asks tentatively. He can feel a story bubbling on the edge of Jeremy's lips, can sense it in the twinkle of his blue eyes.

"Oh yeah," Jeremy says. "If you get stuck on the ride, sometimes you get-" He pauses dramatically, looking toward both of the girls.

"Ride evac-ed..." The girls say in unison, rather flatly.

"Ride evac-ed!" Jeremy repeats with far more energy than the other two.

"Ride... E... vacked?" Jean says, trying to repeat the word back to them but it's next to impossible. He prays this isn't him being terrible at English.

"A glorious moment we all hope to achieve," Jeremy sighs.

"It's when the ride closes down and you get stuck on the track so they have to escort you out," Laila explains.

"And that's cool because sometimes you get to see backrooms of the ride you wouldn't normally see," Alvarez adds. Neither of them seem to be on the same level of excitement as Jeremy.

Then again, Jean has never seen anyone this excited about a theme park before. Actually, maybe he's never seen anyone this excited about anything. Riko's excitement was twisted and deranged. Jeremy's is pure, like the many children rushing around them.

"It happened once on Indy before," Jeremy says.

"But we got stuck right at the beginning so they just walked us back to where they load the ride," Laila sighs. "Jeremy's dreams, thwarted."

"Only partially!" Jeremy interjects, turning left under a wooden sign that reads Adventureland. "We were stuck there long enough for us to take selfies with Mara! It's on my Instagram!"

Jean has no idea what Jeremy's talking about, but he's obviously proud of this achievement.

The three continue to chat casually about the ride and other rides they've gotten stuck on. Jean is mostly confused by the fact that they've seemingly entered some sort of jungle. Some monkey noise echoes from a speaker and Jean jumps, glancing around.

"Different parts of the park have different themes," Alvarez explains, noting Jean's clear confusion. He's noticed Alvarez is talented at reading people, though she often seems standoffish at times. It makes him wary, like she could peer into his soul and know everything about the Ravens and Riko, just by looking at him. "This is Adventureland. There's Frontierland, Fantasyland, and Tomorrowland. Then there are other sections like The French Quarter," she pauses and blinks, "like, uh, New Orleans, not actual France," she says, gesturing to him.

"Ah," he mutters. It would've been interesting to see what their take on France would be.

"Yeah, if you want actual France you gotta go to Florida," Laila interrupts. She turns around and links her arm with Alvarez, the two now walking side by side.

"I thought if you wanted actual France you would just... go to France," Jean says.

Laila nods. "Yeah, but I mean if you want Disney France-"

"Disneyland Paris?!" Jeremy suggests.

"I prefer regular France," Jean states.

"Well, yeah I'm sure France is... amazing. I wanna go someday!"

Jean swallows the words he was about to say. 'I'll take you.' He doubts Jeremy would want to go to France with him.

"I gotta stop at Disneyland Paris," Jeremy sighs and suddenly halts, looking up at a sign. "Hey! A 45 minute wait. Not bad."

Jean blinks. They're about to be in this line for 45 minutes and that's 'not bad.'

He really does not understand Disneyland.

"Hell yes," Alvarez smirks. Her and Jeremy high five, making their way into the long, winding line.

"Oh, Jean, you should know, it is Jeremy's dream to go to all the Disney parks around the world," Laila explains. "You should keep that in mind."

"Keep that in mind?" he asks, stopping before he enters the line with her. "Why?"

"Y-Y'know," she says, shrugging. She doesn't stop to let Jean answer either. She dashes off, Jean following behind to not get separated from the group.

He wants to ask where the other parks are, but decides to just look it up later. He knows if he asks, it'll become a long and involved thing.

It seems he's found Jeremy Knox's crazy and it's Disneyland.

The line shockingly doesn't take as long as Jean expects. Once they get to the indoor part of the queue, Laila yanks on a rubber pole, making the room flash with light. Jean jumps, but Alvarez jumps more, punching her girlfriend in the arm. The two of them laugh, and Laila leans in for a kiss, but Alvarez pushes her face away. Jeremy's laughing with them, in on the joke despite being the third wheel.

There's something... enjoyable... about listening to Jeremy, Laila and Alvarez chat. They're friends. They enjoy spending time with each other, and it's not forced. No one says they have to do this. They're choosing to 'hang out', all of their own volition.

It makes Jean tense. There's no way he will ever be able to live like this.

"Hey," Jeremy says, interrupting his thoughts. "You okay?" He walks up a set of stairs backward, the line splitting off into two. "I know you've never been to a theme park, but I promise the rides here aren't that bad. I mean, kids like 'em."

Jeremy babbles a little when he's nervous, Jean's noticed. Usually when he thinks he's upset Jean, or is doing something wrong. He rarely is, but somehow he cares enough to get nervous about it.

The ride hasn't really crossed Jean's mind. He assumes it'll be over faster than he can blink, and he assumes he'll wonder why he waited 45 minutes for 10 seconds of minor thrills.

"I'm fine," he says. "You do not need to worry about me."

"Again, I just... don't want you to feel like you're being forced to be here," he says.

"I don't," Jean nods.

Jeremy smiles, clearly happy again, Jean's words erasing his worries. "Okay, you can be honest with me though. Just, uh, want you to know that."

"I will be," Jean says. Whether or not he can actually speak up is a whole different story. But they came here to ride some of the rides and that's what they'll do.

They get loaded into the back row of the large car and Jean pulls the seat belt over his lap. He's in the middle, between Jeremy and Alvarez. Laila has to sit on a certain side of the car because she "hates the snake part."

"Oh!" Jeremy says, and he reaches up to pull the ears off of Jean's head. His fingers touch the tips of Jean's ears and he sucks in a breath rapidly, not expecting the touch. It's always so gentle, but still Jean flinches. "Here." Jeremy places the ears into the backpack in the small pocket in front of him. "I'll hold onto these."

For some odd reason, Jean's heart is throbbing in his ears. It must be the anticipation of the ride.

The ride is, more or less, exactly as Jeremy described. It's bumpy, for sure. Dark. And just a little thrilling. The car whips them around and Jean grips the bar in front of him, worried he'll be flung from the car. The snakes part isn't even that scary, so he doesn't get why Laila was so freaked out. Most of the ride is a little cheesy, fake flames, skulls, and bugs. However, Jean screams at the end, ducking his head when it looks like the boulder is about to roll toward them.

"You thought we were gonna get hit," Jeremy teases, stepping off of the ride.

"No-"

"You did, Moreau," Alvarez says. "You held your head and ducked."

"And screamed," Laila adds, a devilish smirk appears on her lips.

Jean pouts, glancing away from the group. He folds his arms over his chest.

"Don't worry," Laila laughs. "I thought the same thing the first time I rode it."

"Yes, but you were also scared of the snakes," Jean points out.

It's Laila's turn to pout and she lets out a sigh. "Betrayed. And here I was helping you look better."

The group starts the long trek back up on the exit pathway and Jeremy runs ahead with Laila, the two of them racing up the slight incline after complaining about how it's the longest exit path of any ride in the park.

Alvarez walks back with Jean and he notes how her gaze doesn't leave Laila, her dark eyes glistening with joy. She doesn't seem as outwardly emotional as Laila, but the two of them balance each other well.

Suddenly, she glances toward Jean. "You know, this is Jeremy's happy place."

"Isn't it called 'the happiest place on Earth'?" Jean snorts, watching as the sunlight pours in from the spaces on the partially covered walkway. Jeremy is jogging, just barely ahead of Laila, and his blond hair brushes against his forehead. It looks like his cheeks are glittering, and his smile is somehow outshining the California sun. He looks like a walking commercial for this place.

"Well, yeah, but especially for Jeremy. I think it would make him so happy if you really enjoyed it with him," Alvarez says, her gaze turned back towards her teammates. "I know you don't wanna talk about it. None of us are gonna ask, but we're here for you. We want you to have a good time here in California. Jeremy especially."

Especially? There are many questions burning on his tongue, but Jean doesn't want to speak. He doesn't want to ruin this sliver of happiness by bringing up any old memories.

"Yeah," he mutters.

"You don't have to say anything. Just have fun," she winks, and starts to run with the others.

Jean doesn't feel like running, but he does it anyway, meeting the group at the exit to the ride.

They stand, chatting away, laughing and Jean freezes. He almost doesn't want to approach them, scared he's going to barge in on something that doesn't involve him. The Trojans feel like this foreign entity, unfamiliar, uncharted water. They are people, so normal, so calm, and he is... him.

He doesn't really know how to be a person.

Jeremy turns and waves at him. "Jean!" he calls out, urging him forward. Jeremy wants him there, doesn't want to leave Jean behind. As much as Jean fights against it, or doesn't understand it, Jeremy makes him a person.

"Doesn't that hill suck?" Jeremy asks, and the question is so simple, yet genuine.

Jean honestly didn't even notice the walk back up, but he nods anyway. "Yeah," he says, the hint of a chuckle in his breath.

"Let's ride Pirates!" Laila cheers, thrusting her hands into the air. She grabs Alvarez's hand and starts pulling her towards the pathway.

"Hell yes!" Jeremy says, but freezes for a minute. "Hey..." He purses his lips, as though he's stopping himself from blurting out a barrage of thoughts. "Uh, hopefully now that you've ridden it you see what I mean?"

Jean blinks. Right. The whole reason they went on this ride in the first place was because Jeremy compared his exy playing style to this very ride.

"I really did mean it as a compliment, so if you hated the ride then I'm sorry, I didn't-"

"Jeremy," Jean says. It's rare he says Jeremy's name out loud, but when he does, it feels really smooth on his tongue, like it was meant to roll off it without any problems. "I get it."

"You do?" Jeremy asks, perking up like an adorable puppy.

"Yeah... I know I've been difficult-"

"No!" Jeremy says, quickly interrupting him. "I-I mean... look I just... I know it's not gonna be smooth sailing right away. I don't expect it to be, but that's part of the ride. It makes things interesting and fun, and Jean I just... I really want you to know I think you're worth it," he says.

Jean's cheeks feel like they're burning. No one has ever said he was worth anything, not in this way. He was property before, but Jeremy means it differently. His voice is gentle, his expression tender. Jean has no idea what to say.

Maybe Jeremy understands that, or maybe he's not looking for a response. Either way, he digs into his backpack and pulls out the red and gold ears. "Here, these are yours," Jeremy smiles.

Reaching out, Jean takes the ears back from Jeremy, their fingers brushing together for a moment. Jeremy's hand is so warm and Jean wishes he had the courage to lace their fingers together, squeeze Jeremy's hand so tight, and thank him as genuinely as he can.

 'Thank you for looking at me.'

 'Thank you for not giving up on me.'

Instead, Jean grips the ears in his hand, holding them tightly. "I'm glad I didn't lose them."

"Yeah," Jeremy laughs, smiling the widest he has all day, if that's even possible. "I'm glad you didn't either." He stares at him again, his blue eyes taking all of Jean in. Normally someone's gaze would make Jean cringe and curl in on himself, but Jeremy pulls him in with a warmth and a comfort Jean wants to cling to.

"Let's catch up with the girls," Jeremy says, gesturing towards the path they ran off on.

Jean nods and slowly lifts the ears onto his head, following after Jeremy.

He's not sure if he's a Trojan yet. Maybe he won't ever be one fully. But if Jeremy keeps offering him his hand, Jean is going to keep reaching for it. Jean likes to think that's a step in the right direction.

[side-effect-of-the-meds]

Is Erin still bipolar in your fem ‘verse? If so, any hcs/fics about that? (Btw so sorry if this is a duplicate, tumblr crashed when I submitted it the first time so I wasn’t sure if it went through :/)

Thanks so much for the ask, love! Y’all ask about some crazy interesting things that I never would have thought about. I feel like this got a bit long but I just really really like talking about Erin. So here you are, little anon! 

Idk if bipolar is the correct term for Erin but I think I understand what you’re talking about. 

The truth is, Erin has always felt things. She’s just usually really good at hiding it. However, ever since Ania first barreled into her life, Erin’s been having a hard time keeping it together. She used to tell herself that it was a side effect of the meds but some part of her knew the truth

It’s terrifying. A pretty face and a filthy mouth were all it took to shatter the carefully constructed persona Erin had built herself as a defense mechanism. 

For the first time in years, Erin wants. I mean really wants. Every time she sees the flash of Ania’s sharp grin she can feel her legs starting to tremble. The foxes usually attribute it to her withdrawal. Those are the only times Erin is thankful for the smokescreen of her drugs. But no. Erin sees Ania out on the court and she can feel her heart wrenching every time she gets slammed against the walls. There’s nothing she can do though. It’s just the way the game is played and she has to stand there, forcing herself through withdrawal while watching her family get pummeled. 

It’s always hurt to watch Aaron getting trucked by men far bigger than him but watching Ania face off against men like that makes it feel like there’s someone ripping Erin’s heart out of her chest. She knows what Ania faced back at Millport (if you haven’t read my og post on the girls, Ania is a victim of rape. Some stuff happens while she’s on the run and then Hernandez catches the captain of the Millport team taking advantage of Ania and gets him expelled. It’s the reason why he recommends Ania for the fox line) and she knows that Ania is afraid of men too. 

When Erin comes home from Easthaven and finds out about Christmas at Evermore, every single nerve in her body is screaming. She left Ania for one month and came home to find that her junkie spent two weeks getting beaten, bruised, and raped by the same psychotic whore Erin promised to protect her from. 

She is fully prepared to fly out to Evermore and kill Fem!Riko herself but Ania insists on breaking her first. As much as she still wants to end Riko, Erin’s want, need,  to please Ania is far stronger. If Ania told her to walk off the edge of the roof, Erin would do it. She stuffs her anger deep inside her and tries to piece her apathetic facade back together. 

That’s when things start getting too much for her. Seeing Ania working so hard to pretend that Christmas hadn’t happened ends up chipping away even more at her. Erin knows what it’s like to have to shove her past aside. She knows what it’s like to try to forge ahead despite it all. Sometimes Erin catches herself staring at Ania and feeling a deep sense of…. Erin doesn’t know what. Spoiler alert: it’s empathy. Erin is learning to feel empathy. She just doesn’t know how to express it. 

And then Ania asks her about sex. She asks how Erin can sleep with Ronnie after everything that she’s been through. The truth is it’s hard. Erin had to shove all her doubts deep down. She had to let herself want and its so hard. That was then, but now? With Ania around, Erin feels like she’s suffocating. 

Erin tells her as much. Not the suffocating bit. She’s not ready to admit that bit but she thinks Ania already knows. She’s already told her she’d eat her out. There’s no hiding anymore. She tells her that if she wants to get better, Ania must learn to let herself want. She has to learn to love herself. Erin might never get to love Ania the way she deserves to be loved but she hopes that at least Ania can learn to do it herself. 

One thing leads to another and Erin isn’t 100% sure how it got to this point but she finds herself getting the only thing she’s ever truly wanted. She starts spending most nights between Ania’s legs and it’s so much better than she ever imagined. When she sends Ania away so she can finish on her own, she feels so cold. It isn’t just her body that Erin misses, though. Every time Ania leaves, she takes a piece of Erin with her. Erin’s chest feels so cold and empty when Ania’s gone. 

Alone in her car, Erin is full of anger. She’s seen the way Kevin winds an arm around her shoulders when the others aren’t watching. She’s seen the way their pinkies intertwine when they walk back to the dorms from class. She’s seen the way Ania buries her face in Kevin’s neck as he carries her, scolding her for nearly blowing her legs out. Erin is just a phase and one day Ania will leave her, or so she believes. Erin spends far too many hours thinking about Kevin and Ania’s exy prodigy children. Tears sting her eyes at the thought of Ania asking her to be the maid of honor at their wedding. Erin drives out to a field in the middle of nowhere and screams at the top of her lungs and cries until she can’t anymore. At practice, she aims her rebounds at Kevin’s head or makes him run the length of the court to fetch the ball. 

Her feelings only intensify with each passing day. Baltimore happens and something inside Erin breaks. She’d been hiding her feelings from Ania this whole time. Maybe if she told Ania the truth she’d stop running. Or maybe she’d run faster than ever. 

By some miracle, Allison decides to stop being a bitch for once in her life. She convinces the rest of the foxes to leave Ania and Erin alone at the cabin. Erin scowls at Allison sly smirk but thanks the universe for this opportunity. 

Erin helps strip Ania and has her lay on the bed. She spends the next two hours kissing, licking, and nipping at every one of Ania’s old scars. She trails feather-light kisses over the new ones and draws patterns across her ruined skin with light fingers. She kisses away the tears streaming down Ania’s face and lavishes her with as much care as she can muster. Erin can not tell Ania she loves her so she pours every ounce of her love into her actions, hoping, praying, that Ania will understand. 

She does. Ania matches Erin’s care by kissing over the scars racing up and down her forearms. She runs her hands over Erin’s thighs and lays her head on her stomach because she knows Erin is self-conscious about them. 

Letting herself feel these things is simultaneously the best and worst thing Erin could do. In doing so, she released a floodgate of emotions in general. 

Following the death of Riko, Erin feels so much more than she thought she could. 

She’s still growing accustomed to the love that fills her every time she sees Ania when the others start. She sees Aaron and feels pride welling in her heart. She sees Nicky and feels appreciation flood her senses. She sees Kevin and Allison and is overwhelmed by her admiration for them. When Erin sees Dan, Matt, and Renee she can not deny how grateful she feels knowing what they do for Ania. Wymack is the worst of all. When Erin sees Wymack she feels safe. It’s disorienting. Men have only ever hurt her but his presence soothes a savage part of her soul. 

Unfortunately, Erin also discovers a wide range of negative emotions. Anxiety builds whenever her family so much as leaves her line of sight. Jealousy blinds her whenever Katelyn makes Aaron smile, something Erin has never been able to do for her brother. Bitterness cuts through her almost good mood at the thought of having to untangle herself from Ania to get to afternoon practice. 

Erin somehow manages to convert them all into the emotion she’s the most well-acquainted with: anger.

Ania bears the brunt of it. 

If Erin isn’t directing her anger at an exy ball, she’s channeling it into hurling objects across the room and snapping at whoever dares come near her. Ania is no longer a Wesninski by name but there is no denying that she is her father’s daughter. Of all the things that Ania had inherited from him, his fiery temper had caused her the most trouble. 

When Erin snaps at Ania, she can never stop herself from snapping back. Fights between the two are more common than people expect. Wymack, however, is not surprised. The two of them combined have the communication skills of a sack of potatoes. Most of Erin and Ania’s communication is non-verbal. Their emotions manifest in the darting of their eyes, the twitch of their fingers, and their unconscious movements. Blinded by rage, neither of them picks up on the others’ cues, severing all communication between the two. 

They make up quickly though. Erin can’t ever stay mad at Ania. Ania can’t ever stay away from Erin. 

There are times when things do get too far out of hand.

Stress has been building up in Erin for weeks now. Ania can see it in the tension coiling in Erin’s muscles and the harsh glint in her eyes. She doesn’t know what’s wrong so she simply offers Erin her space. It doesn’t work. If anything, it only riles her up even more. After two and a half weeks of Erin snapping and snarling at everyone around her, Ania caves and decides to take the bull by its horns. She tries to talk to Erin about things that don’t matter but Erin isn’t having it. Ania can feel her blood boiling. She knows that there are times when Erin needs to sort things through on her own but she isn’t even trying this time. She’s just being stubborn. As her anger builds, she starts to slip. Neither of them remembers what exactly Ania said. They just know that one minute Erin was sitting at her desk and the next she had Ania by the collar of her shirt, her other hand raised in a closed fist.

In that moment, Ania forgot who was holding her. She saw only the flash of blonde hair and the fiery glint of hazel eyes. 

“Please, Mom! I’m sorry. I won’t do it again. I swear,” Ania sobbed. The hand holding Ania’s shirt released its grip and Ania scrambled backward. It took her a few minutes to calm down enough to remember where she was. As she came back to herself, Ania saw who it was that grabbed her. 

Erin was standing there, staring at the hand she had raised. Tears streamed down her blank face. “Ania, I-,” she choked. 

“Erin? Erin, it’s okay. You didn’t mean to. I know you didn’t mean to” Ania said as she started to crawl back to her. Erin saw Ania moving towards her and stumbled backwards, her chest heaving as she struggled to breathe. 

“I was going to- I- I was going to hurt you,” she whispered. Erin backed into a corner and slid to the floor. “I was going to hurt you.” 

The girls sit in their respective corners, Ania staring at Erin, Erin staring at her still curled fist. 

“Erin?” she said softly. Erin pried her eyes off her hand to look at Ania. “Erin, come here.” 

“No.”

“Erin-”

“No.” 

It takes them another half an hour before either of them move. When they do, Erin grabs her keys and heads for the door. Ania goes next door to find Kevin. She tells him what happened and he looks ready to cry. He ushers her inside and drags his computer out to the living room. They curl up on the couch and watch exy reruns until Ania falls asleep, curled in his arms. 

The next morning, Ania returns to her room to find Erin getting ready for morning practice. She refuses to look Ania in the eye. Ania plants herself in her path. 

“Erin,” she pleads. 

“Stop.” Erin leaves Ania lone in their room. Erin refuses to speak to Ania for the remainder of the week. She crashes at Wymack’s place and he doesn’t pry. On Saturday night, Erin breaks. She tells him about what she did and by the end of it, she’s crying hysterically. She lets him wrap his arms around her and hold her together the way he did after the Binghampton game. 

He leaves her wrapped in a blanket on the couch with the t.v. on to make a call. Bee shows up twenty minutes later with Erin’s favorite hot chocolate mix. They spend the next few hours talking about healthy coping mechanisms for stress. They talk about all the emotions Erin’s been feeling and how to manage them. 

It takes all the courage Erin can muster to return to the dorms that morning. She opens the door to find Ania laying in Erin’s bed. In her hand, she clutches one of Erin’s sweatshirts. Tear stains mar her face. 

“Ania,” Erin says. Her eyes immediately shoot open. 

“Erin,” she replies, her voice choked with emotion. Erin knelt down beside the bed and cupped Ania’s face in her hands.

Pressing their foreheads together, she whispered, “I’m so sorry, baby.”

Erin still gets mad sometimes. She still picks fights with Ania but she never bottles her emotions up like that again. It’s not that she cares about emotions eating away at her. No, she just doesn’t ever want to scare Ania like that again.

[stickballl]

Sunshine after Moonlight Pt. 3

Part 1 Part 2 ao3

tw for suicide attempt and rape mention

Chris rubbed the rough towel against Jean’s stomach as he wiped away the remnants of his fun.  Jean stared at the ceiling and ignored the way Chris was eyeing him and the hungry curve of his lips, feeling utterly wrecked and impossible to put back together. He knew without checking that his wrists were bleeding, tearing open fresh wounds.  He could barely feel anything anymore, save the desperate want to get out, in any way he could.  Riko had started paying much more attention to him, ripping him apart from head to toe, night after night, sometimes inviting others like he did that night. It was the only consistent thing in his life, the one thing he could bet on without fail.  Riko reminded him of it repeatedly, that he had nothing else left except Riko, taunting him with a knife to the throat.

Hot lips pressed to Jean’s throat and he forced the shudder away.  He didn’t bother to try and smile when Chris pulled away, settling for a glare that he knew barely held any heat.  He didn’t have enough fight left in him, resigned to be simply complacent.  Chris’s fingers trailed over Jean’s stomach before he finally was out of his sight.  He heard the door close, but instead of relief, he immediately felt the weight of someone’s eyes on him, saw a shadow filling the doorway, laughing to himself under his breath.  Jean knew immediately it was Riko and his body seized in fear. He struggled to keep his hands steady and his breathing even.

Riko stepped up to the side of the bed, head cocked to the side and a knife twirled between his hands.  His usual smile twisted into feigned concern as he catalogued each of the new marks that littered his neck and chest, pressing just hard enough that Jean has to fight to hide his wince.  When he seemed satisfied, he tossed a thin blanket to cover Jean’s body, a surprising kindness that only set Jean’s heart racing faster.  He eyed Riko nervously as he freed Jean’s wrists and aided them to his sides.  Riko placed his hand on Jean’s scarred cheek, thumb pressing into Jean’s tattoo, fingers curling into the back of his neck.  This pressure, the bite of his touch that made Jean arch his neck in an attempt to escape it, was familiar and more settling than the concern that was in Riko’s eyes moments before.

“Did you have your fun?” Riko asked, his face close enough that Jean felt his breath across his cheek.  Jean didn’t say anything, clenching his jaw tight to keep from letting anything slip. “I was planning on having some fun myself, but someone is missing.”

Riko leans back and looks around the room, an obviously fake frown pulling on his lips. His hand left Jean’s cheek just to wrap around his throat.  He places his face back next to Jean’s, squeezing his neck in a silent warning. “Where’s Kevin?  I thought he’d be here,” Riko noted.  When Jean opened his mouth to answer, Riko tightened his grip and cut him off.  “It’s rhetorical, three.  I know exactly where he is.  You’ve met our starting backliner, Thea Muldani, right?  I’ve heard our little Kev’s taken a liking to her.”

The tightness threading through his body threatened to stop his heart and trap his breath.  A dull pain cracked through his chest, leaving burning scars behind, searing his nerves until they were numb.  The thump of his heart became a foreign feeling, an alien lump in his chest that was doing more harm than good.  He’d allowed himself to believe in something, dared to hope that he could keep the only light he’d found in the Nest.  He knew there was always an end, but he’d been blinded by desire and despite their best efforts, it was finding it’s end.  Kevin leaving him behind with not as much as a goodbye.  Jean’s eyes blew open, but that was the only reaction he allowed himself to have.

Riko seemed to get the reaction he wanted, as his signature smile split his lips.

“It is sad he can’t be here with us to have as much fun as we will, but he’ll have his own when he returns to our room,” Riko said.  Something glinted in Riko’s eye and Jean had to force himself not to look away. “You were just a way to pass time for Kevin.  You should’ve heard the things he’d say about you, the criticism and complaints.  I’m surprised he stuck around you for so long. I’d have thought he hated you. I’m still not convinced he doesn’t.”

“Shut up,” Jean growled.  Riko barked a laugh and pressed down on Jean’s throat.  His hands flew up to grab Riko’s wrist, but he remembered at the last second what had happened the last time he’d touched Riko.  The long scar above his hip bone throbbed with the memory. Instead, he let his hands drop by his sides, gripping the sheets on his bed.  Black spots started dancing at the corners of his vision and his hearing became muffled before Riko lifted his hand.

“You belong to me.  Not Kevin, not even yourself.  For the rest of your life, you will answer to me.  You both thought you could go behind my back, but you forgot that I have eyes everywhere.  Nothing gets past me, no matter how careful you think you’re being.  You’re my property and no more,” Riko said, procuring a knife seemingly from nowhere.  He pressed it under Jean’s chin.  “It really was cute that you thought you deserved anything from him. You’re nothing.  You’re the dirt beneath my shoe.  You’ll never be on the same level as Kevin, Moreau.  We all get what we deserve, and if I’m being honest, you’re getting much more.”

Jean kept his mouth shut, the muscles at his jaw cramping with the effort it took to keep his words in because ultimately, he agreed with Riko.  Kevin was a dream he knew would never last, but he’d held out hope regardless.

Riko’s lips curled back as he laid the knife on Jean’s chest.  He pat Jean’s shoulder.  “Do with this what you will,” he said with a brevity Jean didn’t believe in a second.  The room was dark enough that he didn’t see Riko leave, only heard the door close. The weight of the knife crushed his chest, burnt its outline into his skin, made his heart race with the first offer of freedom he’d ever been given.  It wasn’t the kind of freedom he’d dreamed of, but almost anything had to be better than what he was living.

His fingers wrapped around the grip of the knife, slowly and painfully.  He pressed the tip into his skin, just enough to pierce the skin.  The smell of blood flooded his nose, choked him, forced his body to shake with panic. This was a chance he’d likely never have again.  Before he could think, the blade drew a line down each of his arms, clattering to the floor with a shuddered gasp.  His arms settled at his sides, blood dripping from each wound.  His hands twitched with his heartbeat, terror influencing and echoing each movement.

It didn’t take long for him to feel like he was floating, barely tethered to his bed by the remnants of Riko’s torture.  His head was lighter than it’d ever felt, whether it was because of the blood loss or the sickening relief, he wasn’t sure.  He stared at one spot on the ceiling until his eyes hurt and his eyelids began drooping.  At first, he fought it on instinct, all too aware of the fact that Riko wasn’t finished with him, rolling his head side to side to give him something to do, but he eventually stilled.  Any care he had was draining with the blood.  He couldn’t muster a feeling for Riko, exy, himself, Kevin.  Nothing was keeping him there.  No one would mourn his loss.  He closed his eyes and ignored the way his body began to shake uncontrollably, and for once, welcomed the darkness surrounding him.

He woke up to white walls and fuzzy thoughts.  His head pounded with his pulse, overwhelming pain causing him to squeeze his eyes tighter against the bright lights.  He went to cover his eyes in an attempt to stop the light, but his hands were held in place by restraints.  It almost startled a bitter laugh out of Jean.  He was delivered from handcuffs to padded restraints, an absurd metaphor for his life.  He pulled against them, his movements lacking any strength.  He was exhausted, more so than he’d ever been despite Riko’s continued efforts.  Opening his eyes felt like the hardest thing he’d ever done.

Kevin was curled up on a chair to his right, head buried in the crook of his elbow, breath deep and even.  Riko stood behind him with his arms crossed and a hint of murder in his eyes.  His eyes met Jean’s as a slow sneer split his face and he laid a hand next to Kevin’s head.  He slapped Kevin’s cheek until he stirred from his sleep.  He woke with a flinch and he immediately shied away from Riko.  It took a couple seconds and blinks until he understood where they were, then his head whipped around to Jean, eyes wide and filled to the brim with untamed emotion. He moved to stand, but Riko gripped his shoulder tightly.

“You tried to damage my property, Moreau.  I don’t like anyone touching my things,” Riko said, deathly calm.  Jean kept his eyes on the thin blankets covering his legs.  “I can’t let this go unpunished.”

“Riko,” Kevin warned.  Riko pressed harder on Kevin’s shoulder, startling a wince out of him.  Riko leaned forward and placed his lips a breath away from Kevin’s ear.

“Just because you like to go easy on him doesn’t mean I will.  He tried to ruin us, Kev, tried to take one of my players. Anyone else would get the same,” Riko lied, shoving Kevin away in favor of marching toward Jean.  His hand seized his face, fingers hard against his jaw, as he loomed over him.  The manic look in his eyes was echoed in his smile, an unbridled joy at Jean’s misery that he planned on prolonging.  Jean could barely hear him over the roar of his fear propelled pulse in his ears. “You were stupid enough to think you could get away, but it isn’t that easy.  They’re letting you go tomorrow.  I want you to go directly to your room.  I’ll be waiting.”

Riko pressed Jean’s face into the pillow at a painful angle before he stormed out of the room.  Jean struggled to catch his breath, a rush of adrenaline pumping through his veins. His hands balled into fists, fingernails digging into his skin.  He stared at the white wall next to him until he felt steady enough to breathe without shuddering.

“Why the hell would you do it?” Kevin asked with a meek voice barely loud enough to be heard.  Jean looked over to Kevin, too tired to put on any kind of reassuring smile.  Kevin was curled in on himself, staring at the floor, pained, like he was the one who should be laying in a hospital bed.  He didn’t look at Jean at all, but the tremor in his hands betrayed his worry.

“Riko gave me a knife then left.  It seemed like an easy choice,” Jean said as if it was normal.  To them, though, it was the most mundane response.  This was low on a list of Jean’s worst injuries.

“That’s not an explanation.  The Nest is hell, I get it.  I know what it’s like to-”

“No, you don’t.  You watch his beatings then leave when he tells you to, like the good follower that you are.  You’ve seen the bruises and marks littering my thighs and hips, yet you’ve never seen Riko touch me below the waist.  You see what he lets you see.  You don’t know what I’ve had to endure to hold on for-” Jean swallowed the word, refusing to confess that his sole reason for living sat in front of him, playing the victim.  He trained his eyes on the ceiling before letting out an unsteady breath.  “I made my decision and I would make it again, but we both know I’ll never get the chance.”

He heard Kevin stand before he saw him in the corner of his vision.  A hand found his and intertwined their fingers.  Jean let his hand lie limp in Kevin’s grasp, resolutely not looking to him.  His skin was on fire where Kevin was touching him, pulse pounding in his chest despite the fatigue coursing through his body.  Kevin’s hand ran through his hair, gentle and soft, contradicting the hard lines of anger and confusion etched onto his face.  He settled his hand against Jean’s cheek, turning his head just enough so that Jean had no choice but to look at him.

“I should have been there,” Kevin breathed and Jean smelled a hint of vodka on Kevin’s breath.  He leaned into the touch, pressed his cheek against Kevin’s hand to prove he was still alive.  Kevin’s hand tightened on Jean’s, careful to avoid the bandages.  “He told me to make myself scarce and I should’ve known something wasn’t right.  I shouldn’t have listened.”

“There’s nothing you could’ve done,” Jean said.  Kevin shook his head, pushing away from the bed.  He ran his hands through his hair and rubbed his eyes.  For the first time, Jean saw the dark circles under his eyes, the tremor in his hands.  Warmth spread through his chest as he raised an offering hand as high as he could. Kevin noticed immediately, ripping the restraints off and gripping Jean’s hand like a lifeline.  Jean pulled him down until Kevin lay next to him, mere inches between them.  They kept their hands tied together, knuckles almost white with the effort to hold on. Kevin closed his eyes and rested his forehead against Jean’s.  His breath huffed against Jean’s skin, evening out with each passing second. Jean was content to watch and catalogue each freckle on Kevin’s skin.

“We’ll get out,” Kevin whispered after a long stretch of silence.  Jean’s eyes snapped up to Kevin’s, heart stuttering in his chest.  His hand twitched in surprise.  Kevin let it go in favor of brushing his fingers over Jean’s cheekbone.  “We’ll get out and as far from Riko as possible. We’ll play for the rest of our lives and actually be happy.”

Jean forced himself not to roll his eyes, settling on a glare.  “You’re drunk,” he pointed out.

“I’m determined.  We can go to my father or we could just run away.  We could do whatever we want to without the fear of being struck because we spoke out of turn.  We could be free, be together, be happy.  I promise,” Kevin said, pressing a soft kiss to Jean’s cheek.

“Happy,” he repeated, a foreign word whose syllables hung heavily on Jean’s tongue. He repeated it over and over in his head, alternating between French, English, and Japanese, until it became nothing more than a jumble of sounds.  His voice was stuck in his throat, choked off by an unfamiliar lump of tears.  He nodded quickly, not trusting himself to speak, before leaning forward to kiss Kevin, hoping his feelings could seep through with every press of their lips.

An impossible amount of elation flowed through his veins, aided by the dizziness of blood loss.  A small voice in the back of his mind reminded him that escaping was a hopeless endeavor, that the Moriyamas’ reach was vast and powerful.  But the light in Kevin’s eyes and the tightness of his grip, the genuine smile on his lips that was so incredibly rare, made Jean sure he’d face Kengo himself to keep what they had.

[nickireadstfc]

The Raven King, Chapter 13 – The Birth of Responsible Neil Josten

In which our favourite angsty runaway finally starts being useful, Andreil engage in some hot ab-touching, Wymack Knows™ things and I sense yet more Hufflepuffs dawning on the horizon.

Sounds good? Then it’s time for Nicki to read The Raven King.

The enw chapter starts and already we have to witness shit that I am decidedly not liking:

Nicky being super fucking miserable.

           “We shouldn’t have come here,” Nicky said, sounding as wretched as he looked. (…) “What have I done?”

NOOOOOOOOO MY SUNSHINE SON

On the long, long list of why I fucking hate Drake’s guts, “He made Nicky sad” is one point I am especially angry about having to add.

You know, apart from all the obvious fuckery.

Thankfully, I can trust my man Josten to stop Nicky from sinking down further into the Guilt Depression Pit:

           “You didn’t do anything,” Neil said. (…) “You didn’t know this was going to happen. None of us did. If we’d known, we wouldn’t have come.”

That’s what I was bloody saying. Thank you, Sir Runaway Angst Lord, for finally agreeing with me on something.

Also where’s this sudden rush of being the voice of reason coming from?

           “It doesn’t make sense that Drake would come here. Higgins was here a month ago. Why wait so long, and why risk it? The police can track a cross-country plane ticket easily.”

That’s……. actually a very good point I had not considered before.

Why was Drake there? To “””make amends””” with his “””little brother””” (my toenails are rolling just typing that word), sure – but why now?

There’s more to this. WHAT IS IT.

No time to deal with this now – for now, we are dealing with Andrew getting sent on a nice lil vacation to Fun Anti-Mania Rehab.

           Kevin fixed Betsy with a stunned look. “It’s too early. What do you think you’re doing?”

           “The right thing,” Betsy said.

HELL YEAH SHE IS.

Bless Betsy Dobson for turning cliché action movie lines into lines that make me actually emotional.

           “Who will take care of Kevin if I’m gone? I can’t trust him wandering around here by himself, and Coach can’t be with him all the time. Kevin’s kind of a full-time job.” (…)

           “I’ll watch him,” Neil said.

BITCH WHAT.

           “What do you think you are saying? What are you trying to do?”

           “Take responsibility,” Neil said in German.

BITCH WHAT.

“VERANTWORTUNG ÜBERNEHMEN”, DIGGAH WAS.

I did not know you vocabulary even included that word.

Our boy??? Is finally starting to be responsible, adult and useful??? WHAT IS THIS CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT I AM WITNESSING.

           “If I was going to leave I would have done so at the banquet when Riko called me by my name,” Neil said. “I won’t lie and say I didn’t think about it, but I decided to stay. I trusted you more than I was scared of him. So trust me now if you can. I’m not going anywhere. I’ll take care of Kevin until you return.”

Cause of death: This.

Responsible Neil, where did you suddenly come from?? And most importantly, how can we make sure you don’t transform back into Angsty and Dramatic Neil??

           “You lie, and lie, and lie, and you think I’ll trust you with his life?”

           “Then don’t tust ‘Neil’”, Neil said. “Trust me.”

           “Oh, but who are you? Do you have a name?”

           “If you need one, call me Abram.”

Oh my goooood.

Neil giving out his birth name (or parts of it) to Andrew just adds a whole ‘nother level of intimacy, rawness and seriousness to this exchange.

It also adds another level of I can’t fucking deal with this.

           With so many people watching them Neil couldn’t life his shirt. He did the next best thing and dragged one of Andrew’s hands under the hem. He pressed Andrew’s palm to the ugly scarring across his abdomen.

Touching!!!!!!!!! On his scars!!!!! Which no one has ever even seen!!!!! And Andrew gets to motherfucking touch them!!!! TOUCHING!!!!!!!!!!!!!

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

My Andreil heart is having a fucking rave, you guys.

           “Do you understand?” Neil asked. “Nothing Riko does will make me leave him. We will both be here when you get back.”

IM FUCKNG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Remember when I had huge Kevandreil feels way back in the beginning/middle of the first book? Remember that?? REMEMBER????

I’m still not set on whether I ship it romantically, sexually or just hardcore-platonically (although I’m leaning to the latter), but just – THE DYNAMICS, YOU GUYS.

You can always sign me the fuck up for a good triumvirate.

And of course, not even Andrew can say no to an offer when it comes in the form of some good ab-touching, and just like that, he leaves for rehab.

Godspeed, my manic murder kitten – please come back happier, healthier, yet hopefully just as full of sass. <3

There’s a little thing at the end of this exchange, though, that is quickly glossed over but that caught my attention, and that is Wymack being a perceptive bastard:

           “Hopefully hearing about all of this (…) will get [Aaron] moving, but who knows when it comes to those two? Speaking of unpredictable assholes, when did that happen?”

           “When did what?” Neil asked.

           Wymack eyes him. “Forget it.”

Is he……….. already hinting at Neil and Andrew having A Thing………….. Wymack Knows™.

Did I mention I love that guy recently? #dicksoutforperceptivebastards

           “What about the season?” Kevin asked. “What about Riko?”

           “What about Andrew? Attempt to think about someone and something else for just a moment there.”

DID I MENTION I LOVE THAT GUY RECENTLY. #dicksoutforcaringaboutandrew

           “Look,” Wymack said. “I know I’ve always told you all to take your personal problems up with Betsy or Abby. I’ve said it’s not my place to get into anything outside the court. I hope you’ve figured out by now that I’m just blowing hot air.”

Grumpy Fox Dad ily <33

Guess who’s back now – Aaron, fresh outta custody.

Guess who’s really emo and angry about the Andrew Situation – Aaron, back to being bitter and broody as per usual.

Guess who’s finally done taking his shit and starts dishing out some reason and sensibility in this mess – RESPONSIBLE NEIL FUCKING JOSTEN.

           “Are you at all sorry?” Neil asked. “You took his family away from him. (…) Do you think Cass will ever forgive Andrew?”

Fair point – I’m all for Drake being Not A Thing anymore, of course (although imo prison would have done the job better than, you know, murder), but there is no denying that Aaron made sure the only woman that ever came close to a mum for Andrew now hates him till forever, probably.

           “I don’t care about Cass or Drake or anyone. What Drake did – no. If I could bring him back from the dead and kill him again I would.”

           “Good,” Neil said quietly. “So now you understand why Andrew killed your mother.”

HOLY SHIT.

Holy shit he’s fucking RIGHT oh my god. I did not see this coming at all (and neither did Aaron) and I am SHITTING MYSELF.

           “You don’t know anything,” Aaron said.

           “I know you’ve got a couple weeks to think about it,” Neil said. “When Andrew comes back sober you’ll have to talk about this. You won’t get anywhere if you start with Drake, so you might as well start with your mother.”

Neil, I am just honestly so, so impressed with you right now.

Just – this. This exchange right there so, so fucking important. I can already see that this will help the twins greatly in finally becoming real siblings, and Neil was the one who made that happen.

It’s been said time and time again how Neil will be the one bringing the Foxes together, and every time I see it actually happening now I leap out of my skin in happiness.

And the key to all of that happening is the birth of Responsible Neil we are witnessing right now.

I want you guys to really, really get how amazing I find this new development. One thing that, in hindsight, really annoyed me about Neil in the first book was how fucking Dramatic, Angsty and Extra™ he was – and I know this made for some good jokes, but it honestly also annoyed me a lot. He was just so whiny. And I know it’s for good reason, but still – I just kept hoping he would one day pull his head out of his ass.

Breaking news: Our boy Neil’s head has now left his ass.

This scene, all these scenes are so amazing because: TFC-Neil wouldn’t have done this. TFC-Neil would have stood there uncomfortably, saying nothing and staring, dramatically contemplating his own angst and his own trauma and why he should run away now and how oh so fucking tragic his own life is.

TRK-Neil does not. TRK-Neil deals with problems other than his own, starts taking responsibility and gets out of his own fucking head for once.

TLDR: FUCK. YEAH.

The monsters (minus one) and the Fox Parents get back to Palmetto, where they’re all reunited with the rest of the team – which is not as uncomfortable as I thought it would be, since apparently the story is all over the news and no dramatic retellings are in order.

Also, apparently Matt’s mom bailed Aaron out of jail, as a ‘thank you’ for him helping Matt get clean. Neat!

           “We’re all Foxes. We are a team. What happens to one of us happens to all of us, and we’re going to get each other through this.” (…)

           If it wasn’t so terrible, it’d be brilliant. This was what Dan and Matt had been waiting for all semester: a catalyst to finally unite the team.

Have I mentioned how much I’m feels-nutting every time the Foxy Team Spirit gains some bonus points? Have I?? HAVE I????????

However, it’s not all fun and games (not that it ever was fun and games), as there is Serious Exy Trouble resulting from Andrew being gone:

           “If the ERC decides Andrew isn’t part of our line-up anymore, we’re beneath size regulations. They’ll strike us from the roster and our year is over. (…) Kevin is afraid.”

Dun dun dun duuuuuuuun. That’s a pretty shit situation you got there, mate.

           Neil fixed Kevin with a stony look. “Maybe if you’d stuck around a moment longer you’d understand why I don’t care anymore. When you came upstairs, did you hear mim laughing, Kevin? (…) So yes, even I would give up on this season. And after everything he’s done and every risk he’s taken for you, you’d better feel the same.”

MIKE FUCKING DROP.

With Neil gone, Kevin currently takes the top spot on the List of People Who Need To get Their Heads Out Of Their Own Angsty Ass.

           “Rhemann has taken our side. He offered to speak on our behalf if need be, and he’s helped reach out to the others.”

James Rhemann, apparently, is the coach for the USC Trojans – a team that is so fair and kind they never, ever got a single red card in their entire existence.

I am DELIGHTED. When do we meet those USC cinnamon puffs, give them to me NOW.

           “As of this morning, the vote across the Class I teams is almost unanimous,” Wymack said. “They want us to finish the season.”

HELL FUCKIN YEAH.

           “I want one lap for every time you’ve ever said the NCAA’s never had your back.”

           “Oh, Jesus,” Nicky said. “We’ll be running all day.”

BAHAHAHAHA. I actually had to laugh so hard at that. Possibly because it’s the first time there is a reason for laughter in, like, three chapters.

But also possibly because it’s just unexpectedly really funny.

In summary: The Foxes get to play on, Andrew finally gets the help he needs and deserves, and Neil’s head gets a serious applause from me for being finally free of his ass.

If you like what I do here and you want to help me continue writing, please consider buying me a coffee! Thank you so much <3 

 One last note: New update will be out on Monday instead of Sunday because I’m gone all weekend – I’ll be at a cheerleading event with my friends! I can already hear myself going “That’s Katelyn” at every single cheerleader wearing orange. Wheee!

[luobingmeis]

hawk in the raven nest, chapter eight

A/N: thanks for reading!!! as always, feedback is appreciated :)

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It didn’t take long for Nathaniel to notice that Andrew’s lurking had spread to wherever Jean was. No other Ravens raised an eyebrow, but Jean’s shock was obvious to Nathaniel when Andrew suddenly wasn’t avoiding him anymore. Jean was so used to Andrew isolating himself from the Top Five that when Andrew sat on the same couch as him that afternoon it took five minutes for Jean’s muscles to stop being so tense.

That was in the lounge. The next place Nathaniel found Andrew was alone in the locker room. Their evening practice had finished up an hour ago, but it wasn’t until recently that Nathaniel realized Andrew hadn’t come down. Jean was doing any leftover schoolwork in their dorm, and Nathaniel was able to go up into the locker room under the guise that he and Andrew had planned to practice drills at this time.

(“Really?” Jean had asked. “You got Andrew to practice outside of our actual practices?”)

Instead, he just dropped his bag onto the floor once he entered the locker room and walked the rows until he found Andrew. He found the goalkeeper sitting against one of the lockers in the row farthest right. There was privacy in the locker room since Tetsuji’s office was on the other side of the court.

Andrew cast him a side glance. “No one likes a stalker, Nathaniel.”

“There are only so many places you can go,” Nathaniel said as he approached Andrew. “It wasn’t particularly hard to find you.” He slid down the locker and sat next to him. “Unless you, too, decided to run to Palmetto.”

“Kevin’s the only one who had the option of running away,” Andrew said. He did not acknowledge Nathaniel sitting next to him, and instead kept his eyes on the row of lockers in front of him.

“Had the option? What do you even mean by that?” Nathaniel asked, furrowing his eyebrows.

“That Kevin, with his broken hand, was not under surveillance when we were practicing, and therefore had the option to walk out the doors, get in a car, and drive away.”

Nathaniel rolled his eyes. “You know that’s not the answer I want.”

“Well it’s the answer. I’m extremely sorry if you don’t like it.” Andrew was not sorry.

Nathaniel huffed out a breath. “Fine, then.” He thought for a moment, considering a new question. He found himself more and more curious about Andrew each day, and this time was no different. If now was the time when he could ask his questions, so be it. “Why did you turn down the Ravens the first time?”

Nathaniel hadn’t expected that to be the question that struck something with Andrew, but he didn’t miss the slight head turn he made in his direction. That was enough for Nathaniel to believe that he was getting somewhere.

“You’re asking a lot of questions, Nathaniel.” A pause. “If we’re being fair here, don’t I get a question too?” Andrew asked, delivering yet again another reply that Nathaniel didn’t want. “Considering I have already answered one for you, and am now helping you pick up after Jean.”

“Fine,” Nathaniel said.

“Why do you want me to protect Jean?”

“I already told you why-”

“That’s not the actual answer.” Andrew wasn’t questioning him; he knew that there was more, and he wanted to hear it.

Nathaniel sighed and looked up at the bright lights. For just a moment, he considered giving up and just retaliating with a bullshit answer. But the thought of telling someone all of this, telling Andrew, was too captivating for him to pass up. It wasn’t often he got to voice his fears, and Andrew was giving him the a-okay to do it. “Well, you know that my father is affiliated with the Moriyamas. Lord Kengo chose him personally. However, he doesn’t instantly take in any future offspring. So, I was seen as a loose end, someone who could spill all the Moriyama secrets. Well, unless I qualified for the Ravens. When I was a kid, Lord Kengo set up a couple days for try-outs where I would play Exy with Riko and Kevin. It was to see if I was any use to him. If I passed his test, I got recruited to the Ravens. If I didn’t, my father would be forced to execute me. Obviously, since I’m here, I passed.

“But my mom didn’t want me at the try-outs. She didn’t want me caught up in the life the Moriyamas had for the people they bought. She wanted to run away from it all, and take me with her. My mom didn’t have a safe life, and she didn’t even know if we’d be safe if we were on the run, but she wanted me to be free of all of this. She wasn’t planning an escape for herself, she was doing it all for me. Except, as you can see, that escape never happened. Somehow, someone found out about her plans and reported it to Lord Kengo. Lord Kengo then had my father execute my mom, and I was there to witness it. It was supposed to be showing what happens to those who try to destroy what the Moriyamas have set.”

Nathaniel took a deep breath and willed his eyes to stay open. If he closed them, he feared he would fall into darkness and constant flashbacks of an axe being brought down on his mother. “Except all I felt was guilt. My mom was fighting for me to get out, she was sacrificing everything for me, and she got killed for me. Even now I just think that things could have been different for her, she could have been alive. She didn’t have to get involved with my life, she could have just left me, but she didn’t.” He then turned his gaze to Andrew and was shocked to find that Andrew was already looking at him. “So that’s why I need you to protect Jean. I’m not asking you to make him a promise or a deal. I’m just asking you to make sure that Riko’s wrath doesn’t turn completely on him. When Jean found out what was going on, he was ready to throw himself into our plan headfirst. I couldn’t let him do that. If he got seriously hurt… I can’t let another person who should have no involvement in my life get hurt because of me.”

Neither boy said nothing for a few moments. They just stared each other down and Nathaniel wished he could know what Andrew was thinking.

“I’ll do it,” Andrew finally said.

“I can see you already have,” Nathaniel murmured, not able to find his voice at full volume.

“But, at the end of all of this, he’s still your responsibility. And you’re still responsible for what happens to him. I’m a middle man in all of this, meaning that I’m just there for Jean when he’s there. But in your room, in whatever alliance you two have, he’s your responsibility.” Andrew’s blunt honesty caused Nathaniel to break their stare and look across at the lockers. But he was right. Nathaniel wasn’t making any deal with Andrew; he just wanted Andrew there as an extra buffer in hopes that Riko won’t eventually break Jean down, too. But the main Raven policy still held: whenever Nathaniel fucked up, both him and Jean would reap the consequences.

He just had to hope Jean wouldn’t suffer more because of Nathaniel’s actions. Nathaniel couldn’t stop what they had planned for a guilty conscience, but he could still hope.

Nathaniel looked back at Andrew. Once again, he was questioning whether or not they were really not an alliance, since Andrew seemed so keen on helping him. He opened his mouth to say something, to actually thank him, when Andrew cut him off with a sharp, “Don’t look at me like that.”

Nathaniel frowned. “Like what?”

“Like I’m the solution to all your problems or something,” Andrew said. “I’m not yours, and you’re sure as fuck not mine.”

Nathaniel rolled his eyes but didn’t say anything more. The novelty of thanking Andrew died as soon as it came.

It was a couple moments before either of them spoke again, and Andrew was the one to break the silence with, “I originally planned on sticking with Aaron, whether we went to college or not.”

Nathaniel was confused by his sudden statement. It took him a moment to remember that it was not in fact sudden, but instead it was Andrew answering his question from before. And after that shock settled in, it hit him that that was the first time Andrew had ever mentioned his brother. “And then what? You met Kevin and saw he needed more help?”

“I saw that it would be in Aaron’s best interest if I left,” Andrew corrected. “I came here and sent Aaron, and Nicky, to Palmetto, which is about as far off from here as you can get. Making that deal with Kevin was just another part of it.”

“Why was it in his best interest?” Nathaniel asked.

“Reasons.”

“Is that all I’m getting?”

“I would have said more if you were getting more,” Andrew said. “I thought that would be simple to understand.”

“I don’t think anything about you is simple,” Nathaniel admitted.

Andrew didn’t have anything to say to that. Instead, he turned his eyes back to the lockers in front of them like they had something more interesting shown on them than Nathaniel had to say.

In the silence that once again passed between them, Nathaniel’s mind wandered to what has happened over the summer, and even over the past couple of days. But instead of focusing on major events, his thoughts got pulled to what Engle had said about not staying in his room with Andrew anymore and instead with Jenkins, and to what Jean had hinted about the team speculating something was going on between them. He had to restrain himself from drowning in sudden panic because, if Jean had noticed something was going on, what did the rest of the team see?

“Jean hinted that the team thinks something is going on between us,” Nathaniel said, unable to stop his words and to keep the panic out of them. “You don’t think they know, do they?”

Andrew shook his head. “No, they don’t.”

“Then what are they talking about if it isn’t that? Why are we on the minds of this entire team?” Nathaniel asked, his paranoia unsedated.

“Because this team has a habit of getting into personal problems that don’t belong to them,” Andrew said.

“And I qualify as a personal problem of yours?” Nathaniel raised an eyebrow. The fear in his gut halted its growing. “And here I thought you hated me.”

“Oh, I do,” Andrew said. “Doesn’t mean I wouldn’t blow you.”

For just a moment, Nathaniel’s mind went blank. Doesn’t mean I wouldn’t blow you. “You like me.”

“I hate you, and ninety percent of the time I want to kill you.”

Those words sent Nathaniel’s mind into a hyperfunction, and everything clicked into place so fast it made his head spin. Andrew came to Nathaniel initially because Nathaniel was the only other one who knew what was going on with Riko and Kevin, but stayed because Nathaniel had proven to be trustworthy. Andrew told Nathaniel to keep him interested, and he had yet to leave. Andrew worked with him, and worked well with him, and listened to his requests. The first time Andrew had even really mentioned Aaron with anyone outside of Kevin was with Nathaniel because Andrew trusted him with it.

Of course the Ravens had seen something going on. But they didn’t know it was the pair plotting their demise; they thought that Andrew and Nathaniel were already something. Ravens had a tendency to hook-up or hate-fuck their teammates, and few ended up in actual stable relationships. Andrew seemed to already know about these claims, and he hadn’t denied them. He just dubbed Nathaniel a “personal problem”.

And then he took into consideration his own trust in Andrew. How easily he listened to Andrew’s plans. How Andrew was the first person Nathaniel openly discussed his mother with in years. How Nathaniel came to Andrew for help with Jean. How easily he fell into line with the plan they had set up. How the two really did manage to work together.

Nathaniel had felt a pull to Andrew ever since they started working together. He couldn’t place a name to it, it was a word he never thought he’d be able to use in his lifetime, but everything seemed a lot clearer, now.

“You never said anything,” Nathaniel said quietly, staring at Andrew.

“Why would I?” Andrew replied. His tone was so casual and it threw off Nathaniel’s brain, which was currently running wild. “Nothing would come of it.”

All Nathaniel could manage was a nod. He didn’t trust words; he didn’t know what he would say. He didn’t even know what he was feeling right now, so speaking would have been the worst option possible.

At some point, Andrew dismissed himself. Nathaniel watched him leave and didn’t take his eyes off the direction he went until minutes after the locker room door slammed shut. His mind was working too hard and fast to let him divert his attention so soon.

[c-valentino]

Clipped Wings III

Chapter Three - When it rains, it pours Just a few minutes ago he had welcomed the smell of rain after stepping outside. Kevin was having second thoughts now, while he half carried, half dragged a stumbling Riko Moriyama down the street, and a sudden downpour drenched them in mere seconds. It didn’t even help with cooling the stifling air down; it was just —wet, causing their clothes stick to their heated skin, and their hair dripping into their eyes, and their feet making those annoying squishy sounds inside their shoes. Kevin found an awning and dragged them both beneath it, shaking his dripping hair like a wet dog to get it out of his face; unwilling to let go of the smaller man beside him.

“You think it will stop soon?” It was a silly attempt at making conversation with the older man. He had barely gotten a single word out of Riko so far. “Hey, I’ll take you home.” As long as he found out where the ex-Raven was living now, he could find him again. Maybe while he was sober next time. Riko kept quiet though. “I won’t leave you here. So either you tell me, or I’m taking you with me back to the Fox Tower. And I’m not sure that’s such a good idea.”

Something he had just said appeared to be funny, because Riko was grinning crookedly. Kevin saw it, even though the older man’s head was still hanging low. His wet black hair looked like ink strokes on his pale skin.

“Or I can take you back to the Ravens,” Kevin mused aloud, just to provoke a reaction out of the ex-captain. The grin died on Riko’s lips, and Kevin felt him trying to pull his arm free. He only tightened his grip on the other’s wrist. “Your choice. Either way, I’m not leaving you here. You’ll just pass out on the streets somewhere in your expensive suit; and even your name won’t protect you then.”

“Want me to stab you, Kevin? …see who needs protecting then…” His words were slightly slurred, his voice almost too low for Kevin to hear. Thunder cracked above their heads and the wind picked up, blowing the rain below their little refuge.

“I want you to tell me where to go. Can you manage that, your Majesty?”

“Don’t call me that,” Riko hissed angrily.

“Tell me what happened, Riko,” Kevin asked him again, all humor gone from his voice.

“No. You don’t get to walk out on me and then demand information. You are no longer a part of my life, Kevin,” he said with the conviction of either a drunk or the delusion of someone who grew up like Riko Moriyama.

“I walked out on you? Listen now, I’m done with your psychotic mind games. You broke my fucking hand, Riko; and I still beat you on the court. Don’t blame me, you hear me? Don’t you dare,” Kevin shot back, his temper rising.

“Let go of me,” Riko growled.

“No.” The older man was in no position to give him orders, and Kevin was enjoying it for once.

“You know I can take you down,” the young Moriyama threatened and turned his head sideways until he could glare at the taller man.

“Sober, maybe, but the way you look, you’d just embarrass yourself right now. So stop being an ungrateful asshole and start talking.” Kevin wasn’t letting this go so easily.

The older man snorted. “Look at you,” he mocked. “Having your pet psycho and Nathaniel around you taught you how to talk back? Did they find your spine too?” The slur in his words was less pronounced now, the old sharpness creeping back in, the coldness.

“I found that myself, believe it or not.” Lightning illuminated the street and made their eyes flash as they stared at each other.

“Maybe you did,” Riko said after a moment. “Maybe you’ve made it out after all.” He chose his words carefully, and Kevin didn’t like it.

“What do you mean? I made it out. There is no maybe.” Two seconds and then another thunderclap above their heads; louder this time.

“No Raven leaves the nest unscathed,” Riko insisted. It was something they had heard back when they were old enough to understand what happened to the older Ravens who failed. Back when they had been just kids. It was something that had resonated deeply inside Riko. He still believed in it.

“I wouldn’t call a shattered hand unscathed, Riko,” Kevin replied coldly.

“I won’t apologize for it. I already paid the price.” The young Moriyama narrowed his eyes at his old roommate.

“They made you retire. They kicked you off the team…” Kevin wasn’t so sure that was a price Riko paid for breaking his hand, but he could get to terms with it. And anyway, he was here for other reasons.

“Yes and no. It doesn’t matter though,” The Asian rasped, voice suddenly thick with emotion.

“You will find a new team. Even if your uncle tells them not to, someone will sign you. There are better people out there, Riko.” He tried to be gentle with the older man. Exy was something they could agree on, could still connect through. Kevin thought it could be his way to get through to Riko again.

“My uncle? Oh, Kevin.” Riko shook his head amused. “People like your father, you mean,” he added before Kevin could speak again; and his tone switched back in that sudden, unpredictable way of his. One second the charming young man who could captivate the masses, the next the cold and calculating man, who’s mind was a weapon. He saw Kevin’s expression darken. “Yes, I knew. I’ve known for a while.”

“And should I be glad that you haven’t used it to your advantage, or pissed that you’ve kept it from me?” Games, it was always games with Riko; schemes.

“Should I be offended that you’d think I’d use your remaining family against you?” Riko challenged. Family, Kevin knew, was a complicated topic for the young Moriyama. He supposed he should count himself lucky that the older striker hadn’t pulled any strings to use his knowledge against him.

“My team became my new family; and you sure as hell had no problem taking it out on them to get to me. What were you thinking?” Seth had only been the first. Riko’s psychotic games could easily have broken the Foxes. Instead they had made them stronger. But what had been the odds, the price they had to pay?

“I was your family, Kevin,” Riko sneered. “For years I was the only one you had. Don’t you dare speak of me in the same breath as them.”

“No, Riko, we were all we had back then, remember? That makes us even. I owe you nothing. Maybe I’ve forgiven you. I don’t know. But my team hasn’t. They probably never will, and I don’t blame them.” The young Moriyama glared at him. He shifted his weight a little and winced. The awkward angle made his shoulder hurt.

“Let go,” he sighed. Slowly, Kevin did, and they both leaned back against the wall behind them, trying to stay out of the rain as much as possible. Kevin looked at his former captain again. While his own casual clothes would dry just fine, Riko’s suit and shoes were probably ruined. It didn’t look like it would let up soon, so they probably should get going. The sooner they both made it home, the sooner they could dry off and get changed.

“Let me take you home,” he asked Riko again.

“No.”

“Why not? We are done playing hide and seek.” You are not getting out of this, he thought.

“Who said I was playing? If I wanted to see you, Kevin, I’d have come to you.” Riko’s dark eyes observed their surroundings; but no one was on the streets out here.

“Yeah, well, I found you anyway. So forget about that. I won’t let you disappear again.”

“What does it matter?” Riko sighed. There was no avoiding it anymore, Kevin thought, he had to ask.

“Tell me what happened that night. Riko, just—“

“No,” the older man cut him short.

“There is no way you’d kill yourself,” Kevin went on louder this time. “What did they do to you? Just tell me, for fuck’s sake! Do you know how long I’ve been searching for you?”

“You’ve wasted your time. Don’t waste mine,” Riko answered uncaringly. It made Kevin grit his teeth and face the shorter man, grabbing him by the collar, pulling him closer and up until Riko made a stumbling step forward, standing on his tiptoes, glaring up at Kevin for manhandling him like this. They stared at each other for a long minute, both angry. It was Kevin who had enough first.

“Let’s go,” he snapped, and yanked the Asian forward as he turned around to leave.

“Where are you going?” Riko ducked his head as Kevin pulled him out into the rain again.

“Fox Tower,” the younger man replied tersely. He ignored Riko’s pathetic struggles and his curses, even the more colorful Japanese ones. He was done asking.

“Kevin!” Riko finally called out, something like desperation in his voice. It made the taller striker whirl around again furiously, and Riko stumble into his broad chest. The shorter man gritted his teeth but they both ignored that it had happened. Riko Moriyama did not stumble like a fool. If someone asked he would flat out deny that he had thrown up in the streets as well. 

“I’m not leaving you!” Kevin told him again. “You either come with me, or I’ll take you back to the Ravens. Your choice.”

“I can’t go there and you know it!”

“Then lead the way,” Kevin offered. “Last chance.”

 The young Moriyama didn’t say another word during their fifteen minute walk. He had sobered up a little —at least enough to walk on his own again. He was in no shape to fight or escape Kevin though; and they both knew it. Both had given up on escaping the rain after a few minutes. They were both soaked through. Kevin grew more and more suspicious with every step they took. He didn’t like the neighborhood; and when Riko finally pushed an unlocked door to one of the rundown apartment buildings open, he thought it was another of Riko’s schemes. If that was the case though, the Moriyama son wouldn’t tell him about it; so he kept his mouth shut and followed Riko in. Kevin expected a trap behind every corner or door; but in the end Riko simply unlocked one of the doors on the second floor and shoved it open. It took him a little effort, and Kevin’s eyes widened disbelievingly.

“Riko,” he began, words already forming on his tongue.

“Shut up,” Riko told him tiredly.

“You can’t be serious!” They both had lived most of their lives in a small dorm room and not given it much thought. The entire Castle Evermore had belonged to them. What had it mattered where they slept? That was all their room had been for. This place was not much bigger than their old room. It was older though, run down beyond believe, and almost empty. It didn’t even have a kitchen.

“You can go now,” the young Asian told Kevin coldly and produced a towel from a pile of clothes. He didn’t try to hide how furious he was that Kevin had insisted on coming here. The humiliation of it would have been enough to made the old Riko snap and lash out. But the old Riko wouldn’t have been out in a cheap bar like that, getting drunk. Kevin knew of a few reasons why someone would want to drink until they passed out. Trying to forget was on top of his list.

Kevin was still standing one step inside the single room, with the still open door right behind him. He looked around, taking it all in. A single bed was the only piece of furniture this room had to offer. There were a few clothes lying on the floor in piles —all of them workout clothes— and another suit draped over the end of the bed. A plastic bag full of empty takeout boxes and water bottles leaned against the wall, and a box with toiletries and some supplies taken from a first aid kit had been pushed into a corner. Two pairs of shoes stood carefully placed beside the door. That was it. Nothing that even remotely reminded him of Exy could be found in here. All of Riko’s gear was gone, every racquet he had owned. Kevin couldn’t believe it, couldn’t get to terms with what he saw, and it showed on his face.

Riko, halfheartedly drying his hair with the towel, had turned around to face him again and smirked. It was a cruel twist of his lips, half mocking, half sneering. “Go on,” he told Kevin, and the younger man blinked at him. “What? Nothing to say? The great Kevin Day —what are you calling yourself now? Queen of Exy? Half of your life, you’ve been nothing but a pawn. Go on, say what you have to say, laugh, and then get the fuck out.” He pronounced it very carefully, very sharply, and Kevin knew he was trying to provoke him. But how could he laugh it this? He shook his head sadly, and Riko threw the towel at him, intending to hit him in the face; but Kevin’s reflexes let him catch it easily enough.

<<back                                                                               next>>

[c-valentino]

Lighter Next To Your Coffee Mug V

Chapter 5

People usually saw what they wanted to see. Problem was, Neil couldn’t figure out what Andrew wanted to see in him. He couldn’t read the man like his usual clients. It was problematic, to say the least. It caused him to switch between his made up personalities, always unsure, always guessing and that was dangerous. Chris, Nathaniel, Alex… It was hard to keep track of himself sometimes.

Neil on the other hand, saw too much in Andrew. Most of it was his own wishful thinking, the result of idealizing the Exy player for years. He had never seen a goalkeeper like him. He had to get a grip on himself. This wouldn’t work if he couldn’t leave his own expectations outside of that apartment. This was business.

  Who was Andrew Minyard? Neil leaned with his bowl of breakfast oatmeal next to his kitchen window and looked down at the street below. He scratched his ankle below the baggy sweat pants with his bare foot.

  He didn't even know what bothered him so about the whole situation with Andrew. The man was a dream of a customer; no special requests, paid more than he had to, was a total turn on up to the point where Neil had to ask himself why Andrew had asked him in the first place… He should just keep his mouth shut and do what Andrew wanted. Right now, he had a text waiting for him to answer.

  ‘are you really obsessed with exy?’ He looked down at the message and added a mental or just me to it. Both? Definitely both.

  ‘yes’

  That turn had been no better than his own ice cream question, he thought. Still, Andrew texting him meant the man was not too upset about their last meeting. Good.

  He had just come home from a run. Exercise helped him to keep his head clear. It also kept him busy and made it easier to ignore the void other people filled with friends. When was the last time he had just gone out to hang out with someone? He couldn't remember. Did those Exy games count? Probably not, he just went there to play, not to enjoy the company of others. Maybe Roland was the closest thing to a friend he had in this city and the man didn't even know his last name. Neither did he, Neil reminded himself. It didn't matter. He wouldn’t stay here. Sooner or later, he would move on.

  His childhood memories tried to creep up on him again. They lingered in the back of his mind, scratching at the walls, trying to claw their way through. He swallowed his last mouthful of oatmeal and set the bowl down. His fingers itched for his racquet. Some Exy drills usually helped to keep his demons at bay. Maybe he would go out and get some practice in before tonight. Yeah… maybe he would.

       The reporters were already waiting for them, when Andrew and Kevin left the hospital. Both of them were bombarded with questions, both of them kept their mouths shut. Andrew stepped in front of Kevin and used his infamous reputation and most intimidating look on his face to get them away from the cameras and microphones and into the parking lot.

  Kevin hissed a little as he managed to get into the Maserati and closed the door. The sudden lack of noise was a relief.

  “Is this going to be a problem,” he asked Andrew. The shorter man leaned back and started the car.

  “I don’t know, Kevin. Is a busted shoulder and one of your goalkeepers missing going to be the end of your Exy dreams?” He drove them to the stadium.

  “That’s not what I meant,” Kevin snarled. His shoulder hurt and he was not in the mood for Andrew’s taunts right now.

  “No? What then? Is the guy who’s supposed to watch your back going to jail gonna be a problem? I don’t know, Kevin. You tell me.”

  “Andrew,” Kevin gritted out. Andrew said nothing. “Andrew, for god’s sake!”  He rubbed his eyes, tired of all the arguments, of all the stuff that was going on right now. “Why did you do it?”

  “You know why.” Andrew kept his eyes on the road.

  “This isn’t the same,” Kevin said, maybe for the fifth time.

  “Yeah, it is.”

  “How? It was an accident, Andrew. The guy took me down, okay but that’s the game. I could have dodged him. You know I could have. But I didn’t. I went for the shot.” He got no reaction. “Andrew, talk to me.”

  “What’s there to talk about?”

  “You shattered that guy’s kneecap,” Kevin managed to grit out, nauseated by the thought.

  “And he isn't going to play again.”

  “We don’t know that yet. There has been no announcement so far.” There hadn’t. He had checked. There was surprisingly little about the whole thing and Andrew wouldn’t talk about it.

  “‘course not. Why crush wonder boy's dreams of ever being able to run again?” Andrew smirked. “You are lucky to have someone like me telling you that your career is over. Spares you the denial.”

  “Is this a joke to you?” Kevin could barely keep his anger in check. “Andrew–“

  “Just because Riko is gone, doesn't mean I will break our promise,” Andrew interrupted him in a monotone voice.

  “Fuck, stop the car!” Kevin ordered. He waited until Andrew had taken them off the road and then turned sideways in his seat, facing the blonde man. “Listen to me, Andrew, for once in your life, listen! This has to stop! I get it, okay? But it’s enough. You’ve done enough. Wasn't the whole point of this for you to find something worth living in return? Wasn't me showing that to you also part of that promise? How is that gonna work out with you in prison? Huh? You think I want that?”

  “I think you got better things to worry about now, Kevin. What are you gonna show me if you can’t play anymore? It’s over.” That guy had taken Andrew’s chance away. With his career at an early end, Andrew would quit too, Kevin realized. This wasn't just about him. This was Andrew lashing out because he had lost something.

  “And that makes it okay for you to throw your life away? Are you serious?” This was insane.

  “Do you see me laughing?” No, I see you screaming ‘I don’t care’ from the top of your lungs since the day I met you.

  “I’m not done. You hear me? I’m not going to quit. There is still a chance–“

  “Thirty five percent.” Andrew muttered.

  “What?”

  “That’s the chance of your full recovery. Thirty five percent.” Better than nothing, he told himself. Yet Kevin felt dead inside.

  “I will play again,” he gritted out. It was the only option.

  He had managed to escape Edgar Allen, Riko was overseas to lead the new national team of Japan. The self-proclaimed number one and prodigy of Exy still lingered in his thoughts almost every day, and his provocations at every press conference, telling the whole world that he was coming for Kevin, that he would get him, didn't help. Still, Andrew had kept his word to protect him from Riko and in return, Kevin had dragged him along every single step of the way until they had joined the US national team. 

  “Then I won’t go to prison.” The Maserati roared back to life. It was a statement, as if willing it would make it happen. Simple as that. Thirty five percent, Kevin thought again. It didn't matter, he decided. He had switched his dominant hand before, he could do it again. Even if he wouldn't make a full recovery, he would make it work. What else was there after all? His phone rang and he picked up on the second ring.

  “Yes coach, we are on our way. –Ten minutes.” He glanced sideways at Andrew. “Okay. Will do.” He hung up. “Coach says you are gonna play today.”

  “Will I?”

  “Andrew,” Kevin sighed. They would have to go through this again, wouldn't they? Andrew, refusing to play without Kevin on the court. Coach wouldn't have it. Kevin thought Andrew was blaming the team for what had happened as much as himself. If they had done their job, Kevin would have had a clear shot. If they had done their job, the team wouldn't always fall behind when one of them got subbed out. Andrew, Kevin knew, had standards as high as his own –he just didn’t tell people about them like Kevin did. He just acted like their teammates were not there, like he couldn't count on them, like they were useless. As the team’s captain, Kevin couldn't afford that. He still told his players that they were trash if they didn't give it their everything on the court. He never held back criticism. It pissed them off but they listened, because he was still better than them and he didn't mind reminding them. It didn't work with Andrew though. It never had. With Andrew, it was always bargaining, bribing… He was running out of bargaining chips fast, he knew. He also knew things would escalate from there.

        It took Andrew two weeks to contact Neil again. ‘can you make it tonight?’ Well, shit, no, he couldn’t. He already had a client tonight.

  ‘No, sorry. Any other time though.’ There was nothing for a few minutes. Neil noticed how he hadn't let go of his phone, even though he was about to make himself something to eat. He rolled his eyes and put the stupid thing aside. He had just gotten all of the needed ingredients out of the fridge, when it vibrated again. He reached for it immediately.

  ‘what about right now? can I pick you up?’ Huh? It was only noon, he had enough time until… –what the hell was he thinking? Bending his own rules for this man already? Great. Still… Andrew had never asked him to do something he had to think twice about during their meetings. In fact, with Andrew, it didn't even feel like he was working. Neil hesitated. He wanted to say yes, he realized.

  “What the hell, Josten,” he muttered. His thumb hovered over the keypad. Careful now, he told himself. He began to type a response, erased it, typed again.

  ‘Okay’ And while he was still thinking about a place to meet, Andrew surprised him again.

  ‘come down when you are ready’

  Neil stared at his phone. He went over to the kitchen window and looked down. Sure enough, there was Andrew’s black Maserati waiting. “You gotta be kidding.” He didn't know if he should be pissed off or creeped out. He already knew that Andrew had figured out where he lived. He also realized that Andrew must have thought about him. He couldn't imagine the man driving somewhere, minding his own business, until he suddenly realized that he was coincidentally in this godforsaken neighborhood Neil lived in. Neil didn't know what to make of this.

  It had to wait, he decided. He would have to figure it out later. He had already agreed to meeting Andrew now, so what was the point? Absentmindedly, he put his lunch back into the fridge, spared a moment to wash his hands, then changed his shirt, grabbed his jacket and keys and was out the door. Hands in his pockets and with a guarded expression in place, he approached the black car. He opened the passenger door and bent down to look at Andrew. The goalkeeper didn't smile, barely even looked at him. Not sure about the whole situation either, Neil thought. Fair enough. He got into the car and closed the door. Without a word, Andrew shifted the Maserati into gear and drove them down the empty road.

  Andrew looked tired, Neil thought, on edge. Bad day, maybe. He remembered the incident after the last game. There had been no news about what had come of the whole thing. Neil thought about asking but something told him, Andrew wouldn't appreciate that. He settled on something innocuous.

  “You alright?” Andrew gripped the steering wheel a little harder for a second.

  “Sure.” He made an illegal u-turn to get them back in the right direction of Andrew’s apartment. Neil watched an angry driver behind them giving Andrew the finger. The Exy player didn't seem to care.

  Music filled the silence that had settled heavily between them and Neil thought about telling Andrew, that he didn't like clients waiting for him in front of his home. He hated the idea, but he couldn't bring himself to tell the man. What the hell, he thought, annoyed with himself. What was wrong with him?

  Can you please

Sit the fuck down

Protesting in your

Paper crown

  You love to feel offended

Fighting from computer trenches

You got a semi-automatic mouth

Go easy now

And you're so loud

  He leaned back and looked out the window. Being angry with oneself accomplished nothing, if you didn't take it as an impulse to change something. He knew it. He’d have to talk with Andrew about this.

  Screaming monks

Ears are numb

God can't whisper

When the bass is up

  “How much time you got,” Andrew wanted to know.

  “I have to be back at six. Are we going to your place?” No reason to assume otherwise. It was the right direction and they had never gone anywhere else but he had to make sure.

  “Yeah.”

  You got a semi-automatic mouth

Go easy now

And you're so loud

  Can you please

Turn yourself down

Ritalin kids

Doing cocaine wipe outs

No need to feel offended

  Neil nodded. He leaned his elbow against the door and listened to Andrew’s choice of music. Nothing he would have picked but not bad. The stereo told him, that Andrew preferred his own collection of mp3s over any radio station. Neil thought he would like to go through that list and pick Andrew’s brain apart. Your music collection wasn't as good as your google search history –that one told everything about a person –but it would tell him enough.

  Sharing secrets with another world

Rubbing shoulders with some unknown lovers

Making waves through the universe

Starting wars with anonymous brothers

Trip switch trip switch

  “I’ll take you back when we are done,” Andrew said suddenly.

  “You don't have to. I’ll be fine.” Better to make sure this wouldn't happen again. “I don’t meet clients back there.” The goalkeeper nodded. Seemed like Andrew accepted it without an argument.

  Make a wish and I'll count to three

Press the button and we'll both be happy

Sending signals is a dirty trick

I get my love in a digital packet

Trip switch trip switch

  What we do when the power's out

Down, down, down, down, down

  The car turned smoothly down into the underground parking lot and they got out. Two doors lead into the lobby and to the elevator. Andrew used his fingerprint to open it. Once they were in Andrew’s apartment, the goalkeeper blocked Neil’s way with one hand pressed against the wall, arm outstretched. He looked stiff, agitated, even though his face was as blank as usual. Neil stood next to him and waited.

  “Go on,” he told the shorter man. Andrew frowned.

  “You don't even know what I want,” he said and Neil could see how much that annoyed him. He could tell Andrew that he didn't care, that he could take it, no matter what he had in mind, that he had worse things done to him, even before he had picked up this line of work. But that wasn't what Andrew needed to hear. In fact, Neil was sure Andrew would throw him out that door right there without another word, if he said something down that line right now.

  “Go on, tell me then,” he said instead. There was still anger in those hazel eyes. Bad day indeed. “Or just kiss me.” The other arm trapped Neil with his back against the wall and the goalkeeper’s solid body right in front of him. The moment their lips met, Andrew took both of Neil’s wrists and pushed them up against the wall on either side of Neil’s head. The taller man had no doubt that he wouldn't be able to break that grip, even if he wanted to. He could free himself, of course, but Andrew’s grip was like a vice. He didn't resist. All he did was kiss back and close his eyes. After that, it took only a few moments until the tension left the man in front of him. Andrew’s grip loosened and his hands slid down Neil’s forearms, until he was sure that those hands would stay where they were.

  Neil moved them behind his own head, out of the way. Some people liked foreplay, some people needed some aftercare, Andrew needed reassurance.

  “Hmm,” Neil purred, as Andrews hands found his nipples through the fabric of his shirt. The kiss deepened and Neil once again thought how much he liked kissing Andrew, when suddenly his stomach growled loudly, remembering him of his missed lunch. Neil didn't get embarrassed easily anymore but when their lips parted and Andrew raised an eyebrow at him, he felt his cheeks burning. He laughed a little and rolled his eyes towards the ceiling.

  “Sorry. Ignore that.”

  “Don’t I pay you enough?” Andrew’s humor was lost in his flat tone.

  “Huh? –Oh, no, I just had no time to eat yet.”

  “I told you to come down when you are ready,” Andrew replied. Neil shrugged.

  “It’s fine.” He seriously didn't care. He wasn't even that hungry. It could wait. Andrew looked unimpressed and let go of him. “Andrew?” The Exy player ignored him and went into the kitchen. Neil sighed and followed him. “You don't have to. I usually don’t eat with clients.”

  “Another rule?” Andrew was facing his fridge and didn't turn around.

  “Well, kinda, yeah.” He just didn’t like it. He leaned against the bar between kitchen and living room.

  “What if I want to?” Neil frowned at that. He took his jacket off and left it on one of the barstools.

  “Hm?” What kind of question was that? What if he wanted to… If he wanted to eat? If he wanted them to eat together? Andrew sighed and turned around halfway.

  “Would you eat with me, if I told you to do it?” Neil scratched his head.

  “It’s your money, I guess. Depends on the food, though. I won’t eat anything strange, for future reference.” Andrew shook his head, holding a plastic tray of sushi in one hand.

  “Just how many kinks do you think I have? –Yeah, no need to answer that. Do you eat fish?” Neil nodded. “Sit down.” Andrew decided against plates, deemed it too much effort, and only grabbed chopsticks for the two of them, before he put the sushi he had gotten this morning, still in it’s container, between them onto the bar.

  “My turn,” he asked, when they both had settled down and took a bite. Neil needed a moment, before he realized Andrew was talking about their little game.

  “No but go ahead.”

  “How many rules did you break for me so far?” Neil sighed. He picked up a piece of sushi and ate it, before he thought about an answer.

  “Four.” Andrew nodded. Four, what the hell was he thinking? This was crazy. He had to get a grip, now.

  “Why the bad mood today?” He asked it casually but he felt a little bolt for asking. Andrew thought about it. The silence stretched on for a little while.

  “I did something I told myself not to,” he answered vaguely.

  “Texting me today?” Neil guessed.

  “Not your turn,” Andrew shot him down.

  “You skipped a round, it’s still my turn.” This was juvenile but maybe he had to take this game a little more seriously, if he wanted to get to know Andrew Minyard.

  “Yes,” Andrew admitted, offering the bare minimum of information. Neil put his chin in one hand and studied the man. The goalkeeper opened his mouth to say something, still facing his sushi, when Neil cut him short. “‘Don’t stare at me,’” he guessed. Andrew clucked his tongue in annoyance.

  “Shut up,” he said instead and Neil grinned. “Eat.”

  In a casual tone Neil replied, “I’d rather eat you.” ‘…out’, he didn't say, suck you off, was another thing he didn't say but Andrew’s eyes widened a little. Was this Alex again, Neil wondered or did he really mean that? Dirty talk didn’t come naturally to him. He had learned it as part of his job.

  “Eat,” Andrew repeated but Neil could tell he had gotten to him. Doing as he had been told, Neil ate his remaining sushi.

  “If you could have a super power, what would you choose?” He changed the subject. The lingering tension was nice but it was better not to push it.

  “That’s a nice way to waste a turn,” Andrew mocked.

  “Huh? No, I don't mean it like that. You don't have to tell me.” He didn't want to play this game too often. He’d get too close to this man.

  “Then why ask me? If you are not interested in the answer?”

  “I am interested.” Neil shrugged. “Being invisible would be nice, don't you think?”

  “That’s easy enough. Just be boring and ordinary and people will stop looking at you.” Andrew put his chopsticks aside.

  “That’s not the same.” Neil shook his head. They didn't speak for a while and Neil had already moved on, when Andrew came up with his answer.

  “Being able to stop thinking.”

  “Is that a super power?”

  “Can you do it?” Andrew challenged.

  “Still, no superpower,” Neil insisted and Andrew didn't feel like replying. “Besides… I could make you,” Neil said then. “stop thinking.” He grinned at Andrew.

  “I hate you.” Wow, where had that come from? Neil blinked, the grin slipping from his lips. Had he read the wrong signals into this?

  “Sorry to hear that,” he replied, a little shaken by that sudden statement. “I kinda like you.” When Andrew looked at him so furiously at that moment, Neil thought he had messed up for sure. He just sat there for a moment, unsure what to say or do.

  Suddenly, the doorbell rang and Neil turned around. Andrew stood up and Neil was about to, when the goalkeeper shook his head, telling him with a hand gesture to stay seated. Neil wasn’t so sure that this was such a great idea. If someone saw him here, it might raise questions.

  Andrew opened the door and didn’t say anything to invite the person standing there inside. He didn't need to. Allison Reynolds marched in uninvited. She, like Kevin, had been part of the team Andrew had played for before. An illness had cut her Exy career with the Foxes short and now she had stepped off the court and behind the scenes.

  “Hello, Andrew. I’m guessing you have no idea what time it is, otherwise I would have to be offended that you skipped our appointment.” Her heels echoed inside the apartment. If Andrew did respond, he did it nonverbally and Allison didn’t seem to care, since she was still talking when she entered the living room. Neil recognized her immediately, of course. Allison was even more strikingly beautiful in person. Neil bet she knew it too.

  Right now she was looking at him, as if she couldn't believe what she saw. “Minyard, who is that?” She tilted her head in Andrew’s direction but didn't take her eyes off Neil.

  “That’s Neil.” She raised an eyebrow.

  “And who is Neil?” Don’t say anything, Neil wanted to tell Andrew but he kept his mouth shut. There was nothing wrong with him being here in the first place. He could be anyone. –Except that by the way Allison was reacting, Andrew didn't have many visitors, which made him interesting.

  “My social media manager,” Andrew lied without missing a beat.

  “You don’t have social media accounts,” Allison said, unimpressed.

  “Exactly,” Andrew replied, as if she had just answered her own question. She rolled her eyes, swallowed the lie and moved on. She had long before given up on trying to get any information out of Andrew Minyard if he refused to share. Almost everyone had.

  “Anyway, you owe me a shooting, Minyard. I can’t believe you just left me hanging after knocking me down to just two pictures! –Here!” She pulled a DSLR camera out of its bag and put both on the table. “Yours and Kevin’s are the only ones missing, have a look. I want this done, Andrew. We had a deal.” She pointed a painted nail at him. Neil had to say, he was impressed by how unfazed she was by the man who was Andrew Minyard.

  She turned back to Neil. “Alright, Neil, or whatever your name really is, have fun with the little monster’s social media. You might need that.” She pointed at the camera. “And don't get eaten.” He blinked at her and Andrew shot her a look, muttering something Neil didn't quite catch but he understood that Andrew was mostly offended by her calling him little. “Oh, please,” she huffed. “See you tomorrow.” And then she left.

  Neil blinked a few times as the door closed behind her, leaving him alone with Andrew.

  “Social media manager,” he asked disbelievingly. Andrew just looked at him. “Just so you know, I’m the last person on earth you should ask anything about that,” Neil told him. One look at Andrew though told him, that the goalkeeper’s mind was already on other things. Neil got up and stepped closer, leaving one arm’s length between them. Andrew had crossed his arms in front of his chest and kept looking at him.

  “What do you want to do?” The humor was gone from his voice. Neil tilted his head but didn't move closer. Andrew seemed so tense tonight; it made things harder. And Neil hadn’t forgotten that statement earlier. Andrew blinked once, looking Neil up and down. “Andrew?” The goalkeeper frowned, didn't say anything. Neil put his hands in his pockets. “Want me to leave?” He didn't know what to expect right now.

   I hate this guy so much, Andrew thought. He had actually said it and the idiot had taken it the wrong way. He hated him for saying all those things Andrew liked to hear, for doing everything right. Of course, Neil also didn't get him.

  He reached out and the man in front of him didn't move back, just waited. He looked surprised when Andrew took his wrist and pulled his hand out of his pocket. The goalkeeper held his other hand out and Neil obediently offered his right wrist too.

  “Want to tie me up?”

  “Don’t be ridiculous.” He would have asked, if he had wanted to do that. He pulled a little and Neil came one step closer. “Leave them there,” he told Neil and closed the gap between them, with Neil’s arms around him and his hands touching his hair. He could feel those fingers running through it, almost shyly.

  “That okay,” Neil asked quietly.

  “Yeah.” Andrew leaned in and kissed him, letting go of Neil’s wrists. The man’s lips were as shy as his hands and Andrew needed to remind him who was kissing him, biting down on his lower lip, not having any of that restraint, when it came to the only part he had not to think about. Neil got it then, pulled him closer and kissed back. This felt right, them kissing with another man’s hands touching him. This was what he wanted and Andrew felt relief wash over him. He almost had to laugh a little, couldn't quite get rid of the grin that kept tugging at his lips. He put his arms around Neil and pushed him backwards until they hit the wall, hard, while keeping one hand in Neil’s hair, so he wouldn't hit his head. The young man didn't protest, only pulled at his blonde stands a little tighter and kept kissing him.

  Hate you, hate you… Andrew kept repeating, already knowing it was only half true and ground his hips against Neil’s.

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