#it’s truly really really sad to have to go back to drawing and never sharing

[smol-tired-binch-blog]

I do kinda hope we get a sequel, it’d be nice to be able to talk about Lorabetta again

[pa1nkill3r]

Day 2,557 [G.W]

[Pairing:] George Weasley x GN!Reader

[Summary:] A boy comes into the joke shop with his mother; It felt all too weird for the one-eared owner to feel so at ease, something he never felt for the past 7 years.

[Warnings:] angst, sad, major character death (not Fred obv), reincarnation, grief, mourning, swearing

[a/n:] Scrolling through facebook and getting videos of children talking about their past lives really intrigued me. This is my first fic and it might be bad so please don’t bully me, I’m sensitive <3 (jkjk but I am open for constructive criticism!)

[a/n; March 2024] I wrote this draft back in 2021 or 2022 I believe, waiting desperately for the opportunity to finish and post this. That time never came. Now, 2 or 3 years later, I gravely admire my vocabulary, creativity, and passion for writing back then. Honestly speaking, moving schools killed my spark and I am desperate to get it back. For now, I am working on reviving that spark within me by going back to where I started. Even though the HP fandom isn't as active as it used to be, I would still like to share this piece I made because I am so, so proud of my younger self.

╰┈➤✎*+:｡.｡⋆·˚ ༘ **ੈ✩‧₊˚ˏˋ°•*⁀➷

There was something about Y/N wearing white that George loved so much. He always got so giddy and cute which in turn made their eyes roll and mouth grin.

The way Y/N looked sitting at the Great Hall with their white sleeves rolled to their elbows, one hand under their chin and the other twirling a spoon while their eyes dragged along their charms textbook, cramming in as much information as they could for the upcoming test that afternoon. 

Or that time at the Yule Ball when they thought it’d be funny to wear an all white ensemble because: “What?...I wanted to feel like a bride at their wedding.” whilst having the best night with George, their “groom”.

Even small moments like when they would steal a shirt from George’s drawer and wear it to sleep. He loved every single bit of it, even if it cost him many shirts.

He truly never got enough of them wearing white. So seeing them in a casket wearing that same color 7 years ago, looking so peaceful and so… dead. That killed him. That’s the last time he will see them in white; That’s the last time he’s going to see them at all. 

That was the last time he could actually feel their hand rather than just dried oil on linen canvas, framed in oak and hung atop his bed. How he wished their eyes could roll one more time at how stupidly in love their boyfriend is with them, especially in white.

Voldemort’s reign of terror had ended, as well as the lives of many others, and maybe even George. They were a horcrux he never made, his life force created by deep love and affection rather than the hunger for immortality.

It never got easier even after 7 years, he simply just got used to it. 

He got used to the feeling of an empty bed. He got used to gripping onto a cold body pillow instead of a warm figure and a heartbeat with Y/H/C hair disturbing his lips. He got used to counting the days since their death which gravely disturbed Fred, his twin. He got used to waking up everyday and checked off a box from the calendar with an absurd amount of numbers on it. 

Admittedly he is doing better than he did 7 years ago. No more jumping from every small sound and drawing out his wand in the middle of the night. No more vivid dreams of several dead bodies laid across the Great Hall. No more crying himself to sleep. No more missed dinners. No more grieving. 

He’s longed for them longer than he has actually been with them. But his love never faltered. Not once. 

╰┈➤✎*+:｡.｡⋆·˚ ༘ **ੈ✩‧₊˚ˏˋ°•*⁀➷

Day 2,557

It's now exactly 7 years since the Battle of Hogwarts. And in a month it would be the 7th anniversary of his obituary for Y/N on the Daily Prophet, a suggestion made by Percy to try and help his grieving brother. It helped, but not really. 

The small May 2nd, 2005 box wrote “Baby Vic’s Birthday!” in bold red ink. George moved the yellow paper star that stuck gently onto the calendar with paper tape as Fred walked into his room. Envelope in his hands, bread between his teeth, and a beautiful haughty looking owl on his shoulder.

“Fun to finally see you up, Georgie!” Fred greeted sarcastically as George hummed in response. “Bill just sent an owl that little Vicky’s turning 5!"

"That is usually how birthdays work, Freddie." George joked, grabbing his wand and with a flick, his bed is magically fixed. "I'm not a dumbass, you know?" Fred chuckled lightly as he handed George the letter from Bill and Fleur, "They're hosting a party for her at the Burrow at 5."

He took the piece of parchment and flattened it by his desk before pulling it closer to his face, his back mindlessly pinning itself to the wall. 

Dear Fred and George, 

Bill here, As you should know, it's baby Victoire's 5th birthday today and we would really like love to have you two come by the Burrow at 5 pm. 

Vic really misses you both. Uncle George this, Uncle Fred that. She’s going to be like you two one day, I’m tellin’ ya. She loves listening to stories you tell her, especially the ones about Y/N and Tonks. She thinks that they’re the coolest people ever and that she wished she could meet them. I simply told her that one day she would, but it’ll be far far away from now. 

Hope to see you later! Please owl back immediately, Vic’s got Ginny’s temper.

xx Bill

“I’ve already owled them my ‘happy birthday’ letter before Chouette came.” Chouette, the owl cooed at the mention of her name. Slightly shuffling her feathers therefore lightly tickling Fred's neck, making him shiver. The haughty owl flew from Fred's shoulder to George's making the younger twin chuckle. 

"Seems like Chouette is telling you to take a bath, mate." George laughed as the back of Fred's hand flew to his forehead. "I got us crepes and bread for breakfast! And you go on and call me stinky?" Fred exclaimed dramatically. 

"How 'bout you be a dear and write to Bill and Fleur that we are going to Vic's party, alright?" 

"Yeah, yeah, I'll do that." George agreed, taking out a roll of parchment from his desk drawer as well as a quill and a bottle of ink. "While I eat my breakfast and write this, will you be a dear and take a bath!" Fred cackled at his younger brother's statement. Though in a bit the sound of water dropping down the shower head echoed through the small flat above the shop.

╰┈➤✎*+:｡.｡⋆·˚ ༘ **ੈ✩‧₊˚ˏˋ°•*⁀➷

School owls poured in as numerous Hogwarts students wanted to take advantage of the annual “54% off ‘End of War’ sale” at Weasley’s Wizard Wheezes held in memory of the fallen 50. Because in Fred and George’s philosophy, “...We might not be able to save them, but they can save our customers over 50% off of all our products!”

It seemed insensitive but it’s the thought that counts. They wanted to make sure that their passing didn’t go to waste, even if it is counted as a discount to the famous Diagon Alley shop. 

Mr. Weasley and Mr. Weasley were rather busy picking up and shipping out their joke products, sending it to the owls who were perched up in a little area at the back of the store, nibbling on insects Verity; a part of their staff had handed them before sending them back to the school her bosses previously dropped out of. 

It was nearing lunch time when everyone wearing magenta robes stocked up the shelves again, having been sending out owls since 8 in the morning when they heard a clanging from the front doors, signaling that a customer had finally came; A middle aged woman looked starstruck whilst holding onto a young boy that’s slowly getting out of her grip, having the same eagerness as his mother.

It wasn’t unusual for customers to react this way coming into the Weasley’s joke shop. The boy’s eyes sparkled while the mother looked in admiration. The mother crouched down to hold onto her son, keeping him from running while his mouth spilled with words. 

“Mum, we have to get something for Mia!” the boy cried out eagerly, eyes darting towards every single corner of the store. George’s mouth upturned into a sloppy grin whilst listening to the boy. 

“Marty, that’s sweet of you, but we already got the quill she wanted.” The mother said quietly, running her hands over the boy’s shoulders, easing it. “And it’s your birthday...” George didn’t know what came after that as he took the chance and walked towards the small family with a big smile on his face, quickly followed by Fred. 

“Heard it’s a little man’s birthday.” inclined George, hands in his pockets and head down turned. The mother looked up and stood from her spot, giggling slightly as she kept a hold of her son’s shoulders. “What’s your name?” he asked, now being the one to crouch down in front of the boy.

The boy tilted his head to the side, eyes slightly strained. He looked both confused and hyper focused at the same moment. Though weird, George thought nothing of it. After all, he was a kid, the man he’s looking at has one ear, and the hyperfixation was quickly ended by the slight shake of his shoulders. The mother looked down at her son, silently telling him to introduce himself. And so he did. 

"I'm Martin! I turn 6 today!" the boy said enthusiastically,bringing a smile on George's face. Being around Martin felt odd, it felt so unapologetically peaceful and rather… familiar. 

"SIX?!" Fred loudly piped in. "Well now that's big, little man!" 

The mother was slightly startled by the appearance of the ginger's twin, though the same cannot be said about Martin who simply smiled absentmindedly. 

"I knew you before." said Martin, eyes targeting the younger twin. George smiled and kept close to the boy, keeping the conversation going. "Really?" he asked with vivid curiosity, he did not recognise the boy or his mother but fueling a child's imagination wouldn't hurt anyone. 

"How?" piped in Fred, now also crouching beside his twin, "And why just him?" he asked comedically, pointing to his brother. 

"Since we were 11." Answered Martin with no signs of struggle on his face. The red haired owners looked at each other, though more in disbelief than in confusion. 

"Thought you said you were 6, Martin?" George asked with a kind look on his face. The boy’s mother shook her son’s shoulder harder than she did the past few times, mumbling “Marty, what did I tell you?” in tired disbelief.

“M’sorry mum.” Martin said with a pinch of sincerity before turning back to face the bigger man in front of him. “I was 20 before I became 6.” “Marty.”

Chilling, the owners thought. As they were 20 at the time of the battle of Hogwarts. 

“I’m so sorry Mr.--”

“Weasley.” Fred replied as the confusion simmered throughout his twin brother. “S’really nothing to worry about Mrs.--?”

“Edevane. But I truly am sorry, he’s just a very imaginative little kid. Always has stories of his quote-unquote ‘past life’.“ she explained, making the kid become a bit mad. “But mum, it’s true!-”

“Marty, how about we look around the store, alright? Mr. and Mr. Weasley could show us around perhaps?” Mrs. Edevane hinted to the twin owners, relief gracing their legs as they were now able to stand on their feet. 

“Yes, we can certainly do that! Come along Marty, tell us more about this ‘past life’ of yours.” Fred’s arm wrapped around the small boy’s shoulders, showing him around the color filled shop. “Sorry about that Mrs. Edevane.” he added mischievously, “Here at Weasley’s Wizard Wheezes, we like to encourage creativity and imagination.”

“--As it is the reason we got here.” George finished, giving Mrs. Edevane a kind smile as they start roaming around the shop. “Uhh. Mr. Weasley.” Her fingers tapped onto George’s shoulder. His head whipped around and mouth about to open when suddenly the 6 year old spoke; “Mum, Mr. Weasley’s name is George. This one’s Fred.”

The utter shock that went through the twin wizards was clear as day. No where in the shop did it say the owner’s names. Even their name tags; The little badge pinned on their suits merely wrote ‘Mr. Weasley’. Fred, being the initiator that he is, leaned forward. “Now how can you be so sure, Marty?” he teased, “What if I tell you that you’re wrong?”

Martin simply smiled, angling his head a bit to the side again. “Mr. George has a longer face, down turned eyes and eyebrows, he’s a bit taller than you, Mr. Fred. You have a squarer face and shorter features than him.” he explained smoothly and innocently. As if it’s something he’s observed over the course of his whole life.

“Ma’am, I’m afraid your son’s a genius.” George joked, even if he’s visibly disturbed, though nonetheless intrigued. Nobody has ever differentiated them this way, even their own mother. Though one person did. The one he cherished most. The mother smiled, holding onto her son once again. 

“I’m no genius.” Martin spoke, a shy smile gracing his small little lips, so identical to the person’s portrait above George’s bed. He even said their typical response to their mind being praised. 

“-- I just quietly observe.”

Martin spoke but George merely whispered. A shiver ran through his spine, heart pumping, cold sweat dripping from his forehead. It could’ve all been a coincidence. One big coincidence served on a silver platter, garnished with confusion and terrifying accuracy. 

“Mr. Weasley?”

He snapped back, giving the woman a sign to continue. “Uh, I just wanted to ask... err. Why that big of a discount? Why is it 54% off of everything? That doesn’t really sound like a good marketing strategy, doesn’t it?” She asked curiously. 

“Well Mrs. Edevane.” George started, seeing as Fred and little Martin were still going around the shop. “Remember the last wizarding war?” Mrs. Edevane shook her head. His smile faltered a bit but still kept his composure. “We’re, what you call it? Muggle--born?” Her eyebrows furrowed while her teeth sinked into her bottom lip. “Well, my daughter... err. Just started her first year and that McGonagall woman said that she’s a ‘muggleborn’.” 

They truly didn’t know who they are.

“-- What I’m trying to say, Mr. Weasley, is that we, or at least I, am not magical. Nor is my husband.” He nodded, breathed in a bit as his mind tried to ease itself. The boy couldn’t have known who he is as they wouldn’t have known anything about the prophet, or could they?

“Well, Mrs. Edevane. 7 years ago at this date. The second wizarding war has ended. My brother-in-law defeated... him.” It was still hard to say his name, even years later. “V-Voldemort.”

She looked curious but silently let him continue. “Uh, remember when. Uh-uhm that bridge collapsed in muggle london? 7-8 years ago? A big hurricane happened? When a lot died like-” It was hard to explain. Truly. It was hard to live through it again.

“Like that Emmeline Vance lady?”

“Yes, exactly!” He exclaimed. “It was all caused by him. By wizards! Dark wizards!” Her previously bright face now looked horror struck. It was all making sense. “Seven years ago, this day. Everything ended at Hogwarts. As well as the lives of 54 on our side.” He wanted to mention one very special loss, but figured that she doesn’t need to know about it. She was just a muggle mother who brought her son birthday shopping. “We wanted to commemorate them.”

A sincere look graced upon her face, out of pity. “Is there any chance that you’ve seen anything from the ‘Daily Prophet’, Mrs. Edevane? Or your son?” He asked, breaking the uncomfortable silence. She shook her head, now gracing a look with pure confusion. “A-Anything. Like a paper? A newspaper with moving photographs? Or maybe a-a Quibbler?”

She shook her head. “Why’re you asking Mr. Weasley?” His mouth opened, about to burst out his concerns and held in grief to a complete stranger when; “George!”

It was Fred, hand resting on his twin’s shoulder as the six year old boy beside him just stood. “-- Can I talk to you? I need to talk to you.” He said, fright gracing his features and panic in his voice. 

George nodded, bidding a quick goodbye to the mother and son who came in a few moments ago and calling for one of their faculty to give them the tour they wanted.

Fred pulled his twin to an empty corner of the shop. Sound muffled by the stacks of products ranging from fireworks to extendable ears. “That boy George.” Fred panted. Voice shaking. “He knows too much. Is there a chance that you put anything about how Y/N saved me?”

“Briefly. Why?” His heart was about to pop out of his chest at any moment. Any moment now his heart would be a new WWW product. 

“He explained everything! Everything George! Knew things that he shouldn’t have!” Fred said, terrified. “What did he say?” asked George. Croaking out whatever’s left in his heaving lungs. 

“He said that he saved me. Me and Percy! From the explosion! I didn’t think much of it at first, George! I knew that you wrote that in their obituary. But he just kept going.” Frightened. They were both frightened. “Everything they did. He knew.”

“How accurate was he?”

“Very. George. Disturbingly accurate.” Back straightened and composed, Fred stood back, eyes darting back and forth from his brother to the entrance of the shop. “He knew that they transfigured the rubble to sand. He knew that they cast that ring of fire shit they did. The diabolica thing to ward off the death eaters? Yeah. He named the spell. HE NAMED THE SPELL, GEORGE!”

“I heard you the first time!” George yelled back. Disturbed, yet he felt at peace. He could have the last goodbye he’s always wanted. “We need to talk to the boy, Fred.”

His twin nodded fervently, about to walk away from the corner when he felt an arm tug on his elbow. “Oi, how can we do it without worrying the mother?”

“Give whatever he wants for free. It’s his birthday after all. Now come on!”

╰┈➤✎*+:｡.｡⋆·˚ ༘ **ੈ✩‧₊˚ˏˋ°•*⁀➷

[chopprface]

giggling to myself knowing ive infected a small amount of the beast wars fandom with my dinocharge (depthcharge/dinobot) brainworms so here we go

depthcharge starting out very skeptical of dinobot’s allegiance to the group even despite the other maximals sharing stories with depthcharge on the rare occasion where he decides to socialize with them.

BIG BIG MASSIVE spoilers for both depthcharge and dinobot's arcs coming up, id advise finishing beast wars before diving into this cause otherwise youre going to be so lost. /srs

they’d avoid eachother at first until theyre completely cut off from the rest of the maximals and are forced to work together, similar to the episode where rampage is introduced and blackarachnia and silverbolt start getting closer (possibly replacing them in that episode?). more arguing and less cooperation with each other, but they come out of it with an odd amount of trust in each other now that they’ve gotten out of a tough scenario together.

with the tension between them cleared for the most part, dinobot gets depth charge to open up about his information on rampage, thinking that getting firsthand experiences from someone who oversaw his containment might help them find a weakness to eliminate a major threat like rampage.

depth charge's initial distrust is replaced by a surprising amount of transparency, possibly because he feels he failed his fellow maximals and can no longer relate to them as he let them down on omicron. something about their similar feelings of lacking belonging among the other maximals (at least initially) draws him to dinobot.

both dinobot and depth charge lie in that odd middle ground where they don't feel like they don't belong with the maximals no matter how much their colleagues insist they do, but fight with them regardless. they have their different reasons for fighting, depth charge wanting to take revenge for omicron by killing rampage and dinobot's reasons slowly shifting over time as his priorities and the scope of his goals change. (i could make a whole post purely about dinobots development and goals changing as his arc progresses, alas this is about the both of them so i'll stop here.)

depth charge slowly starts coming to dinobot more and more as their pool of info on rampage expands with new battles with the predacon, though eventually they run into dead ends and reflect about their lives back on cybertron- something barely anyone on the axalon has time to do anymore with megatron growing increasingly aggressive. the two of them develop a very quiet romance together, talking late into the hours of the night. dinobot gets depth charge well and truly out of his cold shell, having allowed him to see through his obsession with rampage to the bots around him who care about him.

a few of the other maximals notice the change, of course. mainly primal, who gets in a comment or two about how depth charge seems to finally be moving on a bit from omicron, with pieces of his personality before rampage came into his life seeming to shine through occasionally.

they'd both be very standoffish about being affectionate around the other maximals, to the point where none of the others are truly aware how close they are. they're both sad old men who bottle everything aside from their anger up, and wouldn't fess up about their own feelings unless it was literally tortured out of them. this is particularly true for depth charge, as in the show he never really goes into detail on omicron, perhaps due to his guilt around being the only survivor.

the events of what depth charge saw on omicron after rampage's massacre were probably supposed to be expanded upon in the show, but depth charge probably didnt have any time dedicated to that because of how late into the show he was introduced. at least, that's how i imagine it to have gone considering other characters like tigerhawk who were nearly cut last minute but made it into the show for toy sales. either way the vagueness of what happened on omicron and how it effects depthcharge is truly up to interpretation by the fandom as i doubt we'll get anything close to an answer any time soon. as i imagine it, and lining up with how the show characterizes him, id like to think his survivors guilt makes it hard to talk about his own thoughts on omicron, though he's regurgitated the events of what happened enough for it to be ingrained in his brain module forever. (maybe ill write a whole ass post about this too who knows)

i think if depth charge had been around much earlier in the series and and had been allowed to build a relationship like this with dinobot in the 90s, code of hero would have made the most gut-wrenching angst ever, especially if rampage had had a much bigger impact on dinobot's death.

depth charge is there to see the only bot who'd gotten him to talk about omicron truthfully die, taking whatever thoughts and memories depth charge had shared with him to the last flicker of his spark without so much as a parting word about what depth charge had meant to him.

rampage- still functioning, of course, can practically see and feel the feast of emotion tearing through to the weakest flickers of the manta ray's spark, even blasted halfway across the valley where dinobot had made his last stand. these feelings were something he hadn't experienced since the first time he'd seen depth charge after omicron.

depth charge, a few cycles after code of hero and still reeling from the loss of dinobot, ends up in battle with rampage, his spark still aching and tinged with grief. Rampage, now the only one to know what dinobot had meant to him, is shamelessly gloating about having killed the *one* bot he'd been able to get close to after omicron, mocking depth charge just to see how it makes him tick.

despite all his anger, he comes back to the maximals seeming no more than merely frustrated at the fact he's yet again failed to kill rampage, though over time he begins to withdraw from the others, totally regressing back to where he had started as an uncooperative mess, utterly obsessed with killing the one person who's taken everything from him. its only when depth charge completely relapses into his obsession that dinobot's impact on him becomes well and truly obvious, but by the time that happens there's little any of them can do to stop him from completely self destructing. only he can do that for himself by killing rampage.

anyway now that i've given you all with a brief glimpse into my sick and twisted doomed yaoi mind i'll leave you with the tags

[yueisyum]

Don’t Think About It. (Part three)

Genre♥️college au/vacation au, enemies(not really) to fwb to lovers

Parings☎️haechan/donghuck x conflicted reader

Warnings🚨mentions of / alcohol consumption, and Use of nicknames, angsty!!!! Arguing? Sadness? Angst!!! Talking about love and the fear of love! (Philophobia)

Notes📌 This the part three, obviously. There is no smut, but there will be in part four. Yes, there will be a part four. This one is quite short, but that’s because I didn’t want to switch back to the college au in the middle of the same fic. So stay tuned for part four. And please don’t be shy, share your thoughts!

Ever since you were a kid, you made rules for yourself. Adding them as you grew older. And changing them as you experienced. Everyone has rules, wether they realize it or not.

Your rules were basic and simple. Crafted to perfection. And there were also some you didn’t even realize existed:

1. Boys have cooties(except for Johnny) << especially johnny

2. No falling behind <<< (school)

3. Date to marry experience <<< (boys)

4. Don’t be venerable <<< (liars)

5. Privacy is power

6. Stop being so understanding

7. Don’t allow others to love you (no “I love you”’s)

8. Don’t fall on love too quickly

Rule seven had a couple different reasons. Reasons that we don’t need to get into right now. But everyone who has ever “loved” you, didn’t seem to love you enough to stay; ripping pieces each time one of them left. So, you refuse to allow others to feel for you. Not truly. Always subconsciously inviting people into your life, people you know couldn’t hurt you.

But naturally, rules are meant to be broken.

Falling behind in school around the holidays.

Trusting too easily.

Being too understanding/to forgiving.

And allowing others to say those words to you. “I love you”. And you would continuously, stupidly believe them. nothing had changed. Your were always the stupid one, the girl who never understood who she was to people.

But you had rules, rules you tried your best to follow… until haechan.

•••

Muffled Music blared your ears, drawing you from your sleep. It was still dark out, but Haechan was still next to you. You were tired, but relived to feel his presence.

“What time is it?” you ask, Not bothering to check if he was awake.

“Don’t know” he responded, his voice far from tried or drowsy. You drew back to look at him, his body facing you. Haechans eyes find yours as soon as they come into view.

“Have you been awake?” You ask, your brows pinch together, He tried to act as if he had also just woken up. “Huh? No?”

You slightly sit up on the bed. “You totally were- you were watching me sleep!” You announce with a grin on your face.

“No, that would be creepy, and boring. On the other hand, watching you shower-“ you punch him and settle back down into the bed with a soft laugh. He winces but joins you in your laughter nonetheless.

“As much as I’m enjoying this…” heachan began, turning over to sit up straight. “…And believe me, I am” looking down at you with a stupid smirk. He continued “I’m afraid you have to go”

You paused for a moment.

Oh

Oh

Was all of this really just sex? You can’t believe that you let your mind slip- to forget that this isn’t real, for this long at that.

It’s just two friends helping each other out.

You reminded yourself.

Haechan pouted when he saw the look on your face, afraid you got the wrong idea. “Jenos been blowing up your phone. He’s wondering why you’re not joining the party, or why he can’t find you” He informs, hoping to ease the thoughts he knows have filled your mind. Your phone was in his hands, and you grabbed it. Looking through the notifications, you curse yourself- or Jeno actually.

Oh- Damn you jeno! What could he possibly need right now?

You sigh dramatically into your palms.

“I know” he said, his smile growing wider. “I wouldn’t want to leave me either”

You rolled your eyes and scouted from underneath the covers and his side. “Now you’ve ruined it.”

“Just as I intended” he chuckled, leaning back against the headboard, watching you make your way to the door.

It physically pained you to leave him. But you won’t acknowledge it more then that.

“Y/n?”

“Hyuck?”

“You can keep my shirt, it looks sexier on you”

“Ass” You replied, and grin plastered on your face, against your will. Then you opened the door and left with your phone in hand, making your way down the hallway.

The music slowly picking up in volume as you made your way into the kitchen/living room area. Though you saw almost no one. Until you peaked out the sliding doors to the backyard. Finally finding the sources of the music, along with at least 20 other people. Some people in the pool, some people grilling or just playing games. You smiled to yourself, you can feel that everyone was having a good time.

You decide you should change before joining them. As you make your way to your own room.

You think for a moment, you should probably check your phone.

JenO

______________________________________

|| JenO -

Hey, we are back from the store

Delivered

-

Where you at?

Delivered

-

y/n?

Delivered

-

Chaewon said she saw you with haechan, are you two talking?

Delivered

-

y/n it’s been 2 hours, are you ok?

Delivered

______________________________________

Damn it.

You enter your room, beginning to type all kinds of apologizes into your phone, when you look up to see Jeno sitting in your bed. “Jeno?”

He looks up from his phone to see you standing in the doorway… in heachans shirt…

“Looks like you two did more then just talk huh?” He was smiling, but he sounded agitated. And you can’t blame him.

“Sorry, I feel asleep”

“In his room?”

“Yeah…? Is that bad?” You finally enter the room to join him on your bed. He clears his throat while making room for you to sit next to him. “No, I mean- I don’t know” He answers, not looking at you. “I talked to Shihyun” he informs. You whip your head to look at him. His eyes still don’t meet yours. “She wants to try again” Jeno’s hands are fidgeting with his phone case. Waiting for your reaction.

“That’s great! Why aren’t you out there with her? I saw her in the pool.”

“Was looking for you”

“Why”

He finally turns to you. “Um, just wanted you to know that… that I’ve moved on”

“What!? From Shihyun? Wha- didn’t you just say-“

“-no not her, I love her” he interrupted quickly correcting your thoughts. You look at him confused. It sorta felt weird to hear him say those words. You didn’t like those words, but for some reason… hearing him share his heart to you about Shihyun made you feel as sense of adoration towards him. “Then what have you moved on from?”

“I-um… just- It doesn’t matter, just felt like I needed to say it out loud to you, it’s been suffocating me… but I’m happy that I found Shihyun, she really makes me really happy”

You can’t help but smile. Who needed kdramas when you have this? “And I also wanted to say that… uh… you mean a lot to me y/n, you are such an amazing friend, so encouraging and un-judgmental. I really appreciate you. Even if I mistook those feelings before.. I understand them now.”

You think for a moment, trying to make sense of his words. “What the heck are you going in about Jeno? Your not making any sense.” You laugh and stand up to begin looking for clothes. “I’m sorry, don’t worry about it. It doesn’t need to make sense to you, I just need to say it.”

“It’s Okay, don’t apologizes, I understand. Thanks for feeling comfortable enough to tell me” you smile while picking out an outfit to join the others in. Jeno watches you concentrate.

“I love you”

it was almost a whisper, you didn’t even hear it. He didn’t want you to. He knows how you feel about those three words. But he needed to say it. Out loud.

He really does love you, but not romantically- like he thought he did. But As a friend. As a person he was never scared to go to for help or advice. He loved you, and he would never leave you.

He smiles thinking about how lucky he is to have a friend like you.

“Okay I’ll go join the others.. meet us out there when your done changing.” He ends his rant with a pat to your head, making his way to the door. You nod and begin to change.

…

When you made you way outside, you find yuta and Yejun laughing at a joke Jisung must have made. Because he looked super proud of himself. His posture straightened, and he is puffing his chest out. Adorable.

Other groups of people, that your sure you’ve seen before, fill up the back patio.

Music and conversations fill your ears as you make your way towards the three. “Hey! Y/n! Nice of you to finally join us!” Yejun greets you with a smile and Jisung runs to hug you. “I feel like it’s been ages!”

“It’s been a couple hours ji” but you reciprocate nonetheless. “Jeno was looking for you” yuta informs with a small head nod. “Yeah I talked to him” you shrug and turn around to face the noise. Towards the People talking, and Shihyun and Chaewon are messing around in the pool. Isn’t it freezing?

“Y/n!”

You turn to your right to see Johnny running over. You try not to laugh when you realize he looks like a typical college jock. His hair is wet? Or maybe sweaty? There’s a drink in his hand and his jog looks ridiculous. Then you compare it to a dog, who’s just got done playing with the hose and you snicker even more. “What’s up?” You give Johnny a half hug and he takes another drink form his cup. Yejun and jisung continue whatever conversation they were having before you showed up. When you look back to Johnny, his face was slightly red and he couldn’t stand straight for the life of him.

He’s definitely drunk.

“Where’s haechan?” He asks, his voice is an octave louder so you can hear him over the music.

You don’t know why the the mention of his name threw you off. You felt odd. “How would I know?” You respond with a shrug. Johnny gives you the most unamused look you’ve ever seen. “Don’t give me that bullshit, you can’t tell me you two weren’t together this whole time” you slap at Johnny’s shoulder and glare at Him. “You talk really loud”

Johnny let’s out a laugh and hands you his drink. “Here hold this, he’s probably in his room, I’ll go get him.” Before you can even respond, Johnny’s running off, towards the sliding doors leading back inside the lodge.

You just stand there and look around once more. Haechan probably wants to sleep, you should’ve told Johnny that, but he’ll find out on his own.

When you spot Jeno and Shihyun in the pool, you can’t help but smile. She’s sitting on top of his shoulders, playing a game of chicken with another couple. Your smile grows when Shihyun wins and yells in victory. Cute!

•••

The rest of the night consisted of you drinking and talking with Chaewon and Yami. Chaewon was going on a rant about how people who ‘don’t like alcohol’ are ‘pussies’ or whatever. You laugh all throughout her tangent because the only person who came to mind was Jaemin. “Y/n, do you want to come with me to get more drinks?” Chaewon asks with a pout, her face was round but so perfectly defined, and her outfit looked absolutely amazing on her. You smile to her direction and nod. She always amazes you, her beauty, her amazing personality, she had no flaws. You admire her. “Where are they?” You ask.

“They are over by- Haechan! over there!!” Chaewon pointed towards the coolers that were stationed next to the grill. Jaemin, haechan and mark were all over there. When you saw him, you couldn’t look away.

You didn’t really think he would be joining the party, but there he was. He was wearing a black t-shirt and loose sweatpants. For a moment you felt hurt. Why wouldn’t he come to you? Does he not want to talk to you? Or spend time with you. Even after you two had sex? Is he avoiding you now? Is it’s awkward?

Then you had to mentally stop yourself:

This cannot be Happening.

You should not care about what he’s doing.

You shouldn’t care about what he’s wearing.

You shouldn’t be upset that he didn’t choose to find you first.

You should not care about Lee Donghyuck…

Then your faces with his eyes in yours. A flash of cold rushed throughout your body. You whip your head back to Chaewon so fast, your vision almost went blurry. Curse the gods, Haechan just caught you looking at him. It took almost all your strength not to drown yourself in the pool in-front of you. “Okay let’s go” Chaewon didn’t seem to notice the small interaction, maybe it’s all in your head. But that moment felt like it lasted forever. She hops up from the small pool chair and held her hand out to you.

“Actually, I don’t think I should get up-“

“-Why?”

Her eyebrows cutely pinch together and her smile drops to a frown. “Yami should go with you, my head really hurts” you squeeze your eyes shut and bring a hand to your head, as if in pain. “What? Girl- let’s gooo” she grabs at your hand and drags you to your feet. “Yami, you too, let’s go” then Chaewon pulls you along as she makes her way around the pool.

As your walking up to the group of boys, you notice Haechan’s eyes following your figure. God this is embarrassing. He has this stupid knowing look on his face, and you almost jumped in the pool. Instead you look at the water and the people in it, refusing to look up, or take any chances of making eye contact with him again. You don’t want things to be awkward, you just want to act normal.

WHY CANT YOU ACT NORMAL!?

“Haechan, where have you been all night?” Chaewon presses as she opens the cooler and grabs some cans of beer. “In my room” he starts, his eyes flicker to you, giving you a smile then back to Chaewon “you look nice” he smiles at her and she beamed in response. “Thank you” her dramatic giggle makes the group laugh in unison.

Woah. At least he smiled at you. He’s definitely trying his hardest to act normal. But you can tell he doesn’t know what to do either. You cough awkwardly, you didn’t mean too. Your trying your hardest to not draw attention to yourself, but that’s all haechan is giving you… attention.

“Are we planning on partying all night it’s almost 4 in the morning” mark begins.

You shouldn’t have been upset that he called Chaewon pretty, or griping at your arms, and holding yourself like this, or burning up this easily. You wished he would’ve said those words to you. The only thoughts that can fill your mind now are him. He isn’t looking at you anymore, his gaze is now fixed on Chaewons and Yami, you sigh in relie, but at the same time, you feel overwhelmed with emotions. Maybe he thought you wanted space? That wouldn’t be a reach, but he’s wrong, if that’s the case.

“We don’t have any other plans! I could go for 12 more hours!” Yami replies, and once again the group laughs.

So wrong.

“I’ll probably head inside soon” heachan informs with a sip of his drink.

“What you just got out here!?” Chaewon complains with a pout. The conversation continued on, and you stopped keeping track of it. Lost in your own mind once again.

Maybe he is satisfied, that’s what he wanted right? You helped him out, and he’s satisfied. But your not, you want more then that. More then sex. And you’re not pushing it down this time, your allowing yourself to feel it, maybe it’s the alcohol? Or the cold that made you feel alone, more then usual.

“Y/n?” You blink to he direction of your name. to Johnny. “Yes?” You drop your arms to the side in order to seem natural, ignoring the air that creeped up your skin, causing goosebumps.

It’s freezing.

“Aren’t you going to go with them?” Mark asks, as he gestures his hand behind you.

“Who?”

“Chaewon and Yami? They left already? …Are you drunk?” He questioned, scanning your face. You glance over at mark and Haechan, then behind you. Chaewon and Yami have made their way halfway around the pool now.

When did that happen?

Haechan eyes you suspiciously, almost asking you ‘what’s wrong?’. You send him a reassuring smile. That didn’t seem as awkward as before, and you felt relieved. “Yeah I think I am, I should probably go lay down” you blink twice more, preparing yourself to walk, and turn on your heal, heading straight for the sliding doors that lead back inside.

Is it bad that you wanted to be alone with him again? Jeno had already talked to you, there’s no longer a reason to be out here. can’t you two go back into his room? In His bed? Is that weird? Would that be weird?

When you make your way back inside, you plop down in the couch and take a couple deep breaths. Did he not think YOU looked nice?! Why didn’t he compliment YOU? I mean of course Chaewon looked perfect but-

Nonononono Nono quit it. Stop!

you feel so unbelievably confused. Every feeling is so unexplainable. Jealous? Annoyed, hurt? Alone? Tired? Drunk? Flustered? It’s all too much!

Just two friends helping each other out.

Just two friends helping each other out.

Just two friends helping each other out.

“Y/n?”

“What?!” You respond frustrated, you didn’t realize how upset you felt until your tone left your mouth. You lift your head to the person in front of you to apologize. Haechan stood there, with a cup in his hand and a surprised look on his face. You hesitate for a moment. Looking away, to spare yourself some dignity.

“Sorry, I was just-“

“-Thinking?”

“Yeah”

“You do that too much” he smiles and sits next to you. When he did, you felt your heart calm, your skin and muscles relax. And your brain stoped running so fast. It felt as if you just took some kind of drug. Intoxicating your senses.

“How much did you drink?” Haechan’s head is facing yours on the couch, you turn to him and realize the distance between you two is non existent. “Two” you mumble, distracted by this familiar position.

“Two? Two what?” Haechan chuckles at your absent mindedness. “Two… somethings, I don’t remember” you shake your head and turn back to look at the blank tv. “Hm interesting. Do you want some water? There’s some in the fridge-“

“- Nono, no water” your head shakes faster at the thought of his presence leaving you. “Okay” he chuckles again. Your lost, you don’t know what to say, or what to do. Your just… lost. You’ve never felt this feeling, it’s foreign. And it terrifies you. Your scared that you have no control over your words or actions anymore.

His body, his heat, his comfort, and safety saturated you. He fed the parts of you that are needy and starved. He grounded you and you wanted more. Then you realized that its Haechan that made you feel less alone.

And as selfish as it was, you hoped you wouldn’t be alone ever again.

“Hey…”

This is all too much…

…To much, all at once…

“…Y/n”

He smells like.. like him. And he’s so warm, almost like he’s been living on the sun for the past couple of months.

Haechan:

Full sun

Makes sense.

“Y/n” he calls once more, this time turning to you, probably checking to see if your are still alive or breathing.

“Yes?” You finally respond and look to him. “Your cutting off my circulation” he smiles and you look down at his arm. Your hands wrap around his bicep, gripping onto him like you’ll fly away if you let go. “Sorry”

When did that happen?

“It’s okay, just relax”

“I’m relaxed” you lighten your grip and rest your head on his shoulder. “Did you catch feelings yet?” He teased with smirk, you laugh lightly, your eyes remaining on the blank tv, as if there’s something playing.

Yes you did.

“You wish”

And yes he does.

“Did you?” You ask looking up at him. His gaze remains on the blank screen.

“Not a chance” he answers with a smile.

“Good” you nod and blink away thoughts that you wish would quit reappearing at the worst times. “Do you regret it?” Haechan asked, this time his voice is almost at a whisper. Haechan is a person who needs a lot of reassurance. And your not very good at that kind of thing… but you’ll try for his sake.

“No” he nods at your response this time, remaining quite as you make yourself comfortable- practically cuddling him.

You then slouch further into the sofa, into him. You can hear his breaths, they’re calm and paced. You try your hardest to match his, almost dying in the process. When you start panting, Haechan begins laughing. And you join him. That was ridiculous.

“Y/n? Do you remember my last birthday?”

“The one when we all went to that terrible restaurant? And Jisung threw up?”

“Yeah, but after that, when we ended up getting take out, at your place?”

“Yeah? Why?”

“When I joined you on your balcony, did you mean what you said?” Oh no. No no no no. Gosh this can’t be happening, everything was going so well.

“What do you mean?” You front, your body stiffens and your eyes shut to prepare for impact.

“The words you said, did you mean them?”

Yes… yes you did. But you can’t tell him that. He can’t know that. “I don’t remember any of that” you shake your head, trying your best to end the conversation.

“You don’t?” You feel his head turn to look down at you. You try your best to act as nonchalant as possible.

“No? Maybe your confused with someone else”

“Impossible”

You bite at your lip and curl your fingers into a fist to ground yourself.

“You told me that you only befriend people you knew couldn’t give you what you needed. Because.. you didn’t want to feel like you’ve lost something- you know if they ever left-”

“I did?” Yes you did…

“Yes. Then I asked if you didn’t think I was capable of giving you what you needed…”

“You did?”

“Yes. And you told me that you never actually choose me…”

“Hm-“

“-what did you mean by that?”

You meant that: heachan was capable of giving you everything you’ve ever wanted or needed, and that terrified you, so you would never have chosen him. He just entered your life, and there was nothing you could do about it but pray he would never leave. But alas, that’s not something y/n would ever admit. So you won’t.

“I’m- I don’t know. I don’t remember that”

“You weren’t drunk… you never explained what you meant and we- we kissed. do you remember-”

Yes.. god yes. You remember it like it happened just now. You remember thinking about how you would never bring it up. About how you would have to learn to forget about it. But of course Haechan won’t allow you to. He did, for a while, you assume he’s probably tired of you acting as if these moments never happened.

“-No, no. No we didn’t” you begin to shake your head again, your body moves to sit up and away from him. Your panicking.

“We did-“ haechan follows you, sitting up to look at you in the eyes. “-no we didn’t, you must have me mixed up with someone else-“

His eyebrows furrow together, you can almost taste the frustration building in his head. “I wouldn’t mix you up with anyone… who else could it have been-“

“Chaewon-“

“No, it was you. I would never kiss Chaewon” he shakes his head this time, his eye close to ensure his seriousness.

“But you called her pretty”

“That doesn’t mean I would ever kiss her-“

“-But you would kiss me?” You challenge, with a scoff. You turn your body to face him in the couch. Both of you are obviously heated and neither of you are willing to be completely honest with yourself a or each other. He doesn’t answer… because yes he would, but are you ready to hear those words… no.

“Exactly-“

“Why are you refusing to accept it?”

“I’m not-“

“You are” his gaze on you becomes more angry then upset or frustrated. You look at him for a moment longer before ripping your eyes away from his piercing ones. “I just don’t remember that” you cross your arms over your chest and try your hardest to look at verything in the empty living room but him.

“No, your choosing not to…forget it, that’s not what’s important Right now. I just want to know what you meant by that… that I’m incapable of-“ he begins, but you refuse to hear him say those words, so you give in… sorta.

“-I didn’t- I just… I don’t know, I wouldn’t have chosen you, if that’s what you’re asking”

“Because?” Haechans eyes flicker between yours, hoping your gaze will answer the questions you’re refusing to.

“Because… just because” you tried to think of a response for a moment, but the only one that came to mind was the one you didn’t want him to hear. When he continues to glare at you, you give in once more. Turning to him and letting out a sigh you explain yourself to the best of your ability: “Because your a good person, and I knew that if you left me… I would lose something”

“Something? What do you mean by something?” His face changes in almost an instant. Like you’ve said before, Haechan is someone who needs a lot of reassurance, and your not very good at explaining your feelings.

“This is stupid” you turn away from him once again, and he absolutely hates it.

“What would you have lost.. if I ever left you?”

“Why are you asking me this?”

“Why won’t you answer me?”

“It doesn’t matter, I don’t need you using it against me.”

“Against you? What does that mean!?” If you were actually looking at him, you would’ve seen how hurt he looked at those words.

“Just stop”

“Stop what? Being confused? Because that’s kinda your fault” he tries to laugh but he can’t.

“I don’t want to have this conversation anymore”

“Why do you keep treating me like I’m your enemy? I wouldn’t use anything ‘against’ you, or leave you.. ever” he tries to look at you in the eyes, but you refuse.

“Okay”

“Okay? That’s it?” Now he’s mad.

“Stop dragging this on haechan” you drop your hands from around you and glare at him.

“Haechan? Y/n what the hell?” He didn’t mean to yell, but he was upset, angry, sad, offended? All of them! You can’t do this anyMore, your not ready to have this conversation. It all escalated so quickly, you didn’t have time to think properly.

“I’m going to bed” you bring yourself to your feet and grab your phone to leave. You know haechan won’t force you to stay, but that doesn’t mean he won’t try to convince you to.

“Y/n.. y/n wait let’s finish this conversation, please.” He look up at you and watches you walk around the other couch and towards the hallway. Your upset, you know you shouldn’t have let yourself get this heated, and you know you shouldn’t have let that conversation go the way it did.

“I’m drunk and tired is this isn’t the best time to be talking to me”

“That isn’t fair, y/n..”

When you made it to your bedroom you sit on one of the beds, bringing your knees to your chest and stared into space.

You feel like such an idiot.

But it can no longer be avoided, the longer you spend with haechan, the more you realize you can’t live without him.

How could you have let yourself get this far with him!?

You had rules.

But then again, rules are made to be broken.

Taglist:

@nctzennikki09 @mings-cafe @gaeulswrld @chimiwimi @aliceinwhateverland

In all honesty, I’ve done better, however, the Juicy parts are in part four… so🤷‍♀️ yeah! Please let me know if you have any:

Questions

Request

Opinions

Spell check errors

Taglist requests?

[littleststarfighter]

I love you guys

I first want to say sorry for not replying to everyone individually. I’m honestly overwhelmed by getting so many loving messages. So so many!!! I don't know where to begin. So I wanted to do a mass thank you because this way I don't leave anyone out. I’ve read and cherished them all, every one. I was having such a bad day that day, and really you all made me feel so much better and more welcome. I want those who are going through what I’m going through to know they are not alone either. I’m here for you as much as you are here for me, so please never think you are alone in this. So many of us are going through hell and it makes you feel so adrift. I hope something changes for the better for us all. 

I’m late to say thank you too as I’m with my sister at the moment. She saw I was down and has given me a bit of a holiday away from my neighbours at her place. It’s so quiet at her house. Well apart from my nephew getting me involved in his Spiderman obsession. I can't complain, I love Spidey. I’m feeling so much better. I guess I just needed a break from all the noise and stress. We're also planning a camping holiday come summer so that will be something to look forward to. Also, planning to do my driving lessons this year with her help as that will solve my work problem so much. I’m so nervous about that.

I’m also chuffed to bits to know there are also so many older fans. It’s always been something I loved in knowing that as we grow we never leave things we loved behind. And why should we? I wish I knew what changed in fandom to make so many people so ageist and hateful toward anyone over 30. It didn't used to be so bad, and I do hope that it changes. No one young or old should be made to feel awful for loving things so much they want to create, talk and share. The first person to get me into a fan community and make me feel I had a place as a little geek was an older lady I met at my town's old second hand book shop. We just started chatting over X-men comics (I loved the New Mutant and was a bit of a Rahne & Dani fan) and TSR books. She introduced me to Kirk and Spock shipping when I admitted I saw them as close. And wow was I in love with what she showed me. I even saw my first fanart in Susan Lovetts work and knew that's what I wanted to do. After that I got online in 95 and never looked back. I’ve been in so many fandoms and known people of all ages and called them my friends. So I truly hope that the anti olds things that is gripping some fandoms right now becomes a thing of the past and we can stop being so negative on people for daring to age.

Again thank you from the bottom of my heart for your caring and heartfelt messages. I feel so rubbish for not replying to you all, and I’m sorry, but I hope you all know you helped me. You are all the absolute best. I’ll see about getting some more drawings started when I come home. I’ve got some things that I kind of want to do that I've been promising myself I’d draw for years and feel I should start. I get sad I can't be a pro but at least I can still draw and get to share my joy at creating something with you guys. Thank you for all the sport and love.

Love and many hugs, Lucy

[angrelysimpping]

I wonder if you could write about a poly relationship between Kylar, Great Hawk and the pc ? I mean, Great Hawk would love his shy husband alongside his other spouse, Kylar would get to be pampered by two partners, and the pc would be away from the danger of the town but still be living with their loved ones. Everybody win !

Contents: Kylar (he/him); Great Hawk (he/him); Reader (you/your); bit of pregnancy talk and breeding kink; multiple partners

Words: 570

It’s rough going at first.

Kylar doesn’t want to share you, he doesn’t care if the weird birdman is being nice to him and he hates that Great Hawk calls you his spouse! Even if he also calls Kylar his husband, it doesn’t matter! Kylar is supposed to be your husband and only your husband! 

Is somewhat grateful that Great Hawk never forces him to mate. Will go into hysterics if you mate with Great Hawk, though. Even consensually. Especially if consensually. Honestly, will try to attack Great Hawk if he tries anything on you, even if you’re consenting. Kylar has to be on board before anything can truly happen. 

It really helps if you already have Great Hawk’s Stockholm Syndrome. At least then you can kind of act as a mediator between the two. Otherwise, it’ll probably take months for Kylar to warm up to Great Hawk, even after you develop Stockholm Syndrome. 

Kylar comes around so slowly, even he doesn’t fully realize that he no longer hates Great Hawk. 

But, once Kylar starts to soften up to the giant birdman, things start to go much smoother.

One thing is, he never wants you and Great Hawk to have sex without him. He has to be there. Honestly, it’s probably fine by Great Hawk, that just means he gets both of his spouses at once! Is a bit sad if he ever finds you and Kylar having sex without him, though he never states any kind of boundary about it like Kylar does. Kylar is never likely to have sex with Great Hawk without you, even after developing Stalholm Syndrom himself. Only on very rare occasions, such as if Great Hawk has a mating cycle and is clearly in pain from not mating and you won’t be back for a while. 

Great Hawk is pretty much open to anything. Sure, his species usually only have one mate for life but there are exceptions for everything. Now he has two mates for life, who are also mates for life with each other. This especially applies if he scooped you both up at the same time and you didn’t already have Stockholm Syndrome. 

He likes preening you both, but pays special attention to Kylar. The little guy is all dirty when Great Hawk first picks him up and then Kylar is too terrified to bathe for ages in the tower. Even after Kylar becomes more comfortable around Great Hawk and starts bathing in the tower, Great Hawk preens Kylar extra.

You’re getting spoiled, by the way.

Both of your husbands are ready to do anything you ask of them. 

Great Hawk likes bringing you trinkets from the moors. Kylar helps him figure out what would be good things to get and helps decorate you with the gifts Great Hawk brings. 

Great Hwak snatching a sketchbook and pencils for Kylar to draw with, the walls of the tower slowly getting papered with drawings of you, Kylar, and Great Hawk. 

If you can get pregnant, good luck, they both have breeding kinks. 

Kylar has to knock you up first. He has to. Soothes his mind like nothing else. 

Both of them make excellent dads to your offspring, though, regardless of who fathered whom.

Great Hawk is the best dad, and Kylar is doing his best. 

Kylar is so ecstatic and eager to be a father that it kinda makes up for any ineptitude. 

[acourtofthought]

😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

He didn’t want to admit he liked it. Didn’t want to admit that he found the city beautiful. That the circle of people who now claimed to be Feyre’s new family … It was what, long ago, he’d once thought life at Tamlin’s court would be.

An ache like a blow to the chest went through him

What if this specific line:

She looked away—toward the windows. “I can hear your heart,” she said quietly.

Is actually Elain sensing / seeing / hearing one of Lucien's deepest desires, which is to have family and friends. The line comes shortly after Lucien admitting to himself that he's been struggling since coming to Velaris because he thought that what Feyre has now found is what he'd have once upon a time in Spring.

Which is why when we have these paragraphs:

Lucien shifted his focus to Rhys, to me. “I’ll go,” he repeated, rising to his feet. “To find this sixth queen.”

My friends glanced to each other. Mor said, “It will be—very dangerous.”

A half smile curved Lucien’s mouth. “Good. It’d be boring otherwise.”

Elain now watched Lucien warily. Blinking every now and then. She revealed no hint of whatever she might be seeing—sensing. None.

Did not see the half step she took toward the stairs—as if she’d speak to him. Stop him.

She doesn't say anything to him, despite the urge to. Because what she heard in Lucien's heart is that he has been sad for so long, not having a real family and she knew that by letting him go, he would find Vassa which would lead to him discovering part of the found friends / family he'd been looking for.

And where Lucien does not at first understand what Elain needs, where he might not even be sure exactly what it is she's asking because of the overwhelming emotions he's processing with the bond and his past / guilt over Jesminda:

He wasn’t sure if she truly meant to address him, but he said, “No, lady. I cannot.”

Her too-thin shoulders seemed to curve inward. “No one ever does. No one ever looked—not really.” A bramble of words. Her voice strained to a whisper. “He did. He saw me. He will not now.”

It's not long before I do think he realizes is that what she needs is time. Time to figure out if she still wants to be with Graysen, time away from him without the bond drawing emotions from her she's not ready for, time to find her footing now that she's in this new world having been made into this new thing:

Lucien just stared and stared at my sister, as if he’d never seen her before.

“I’ll go.” Lucien was staring at Elain as he spoke.

He glanced at Elain, who was again studying her lap. “I’m not needed here. I’ll fight if you need me to, but …”

There's the proverb, “If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it's yours. If not, it was never meant to be," which is a reminder to let go and trust in a bigger plan. It's about surrendering something beloved in the hopes that fate will intervene and bring it back—if it's truly meant to be yours.

Elain and Lucien aren't in love, I'm not insinuating that at all. But they share a connection with one another that they'll never share with anyone else and even though they don't truly know one another yet, they have a window into the others soul.

While they didn't ask to be, they are pulled towards each other and it would be so easy to give in to that instinct. But it wouldn't be giving in for the right reasons and they'd bring all sorts of baggage into their relationship.

So they both in some way, are letting the other go because they know it's what the other person needs.

Rhys and Feyre have such an epic story because he knew they were mates yet he never let on how much he was suffering through their bond, essentially freeing her without guilt so she could try and find her happiness with Tamlin. But Feyre finding her way back to Rhys when it was the right time made the eventual acceptance of their bond a beautiful thing and elevated Rhys to book boyfriend status for a lot of readers because of the sacrifice he made for her (his own pain and suffering).

To me, that's what's happening with both Elain and Lucien who have been aware of their bond from the start.

There's no hard earned victory if the moment it snapped they ran into one anothers arms and lived happily ever after. Instead while they both felt drawn to one another, they knew they weren't ready to fully give themselves to someone else but also sensed what the other person needed so they walked away for now.

To me, their distance won't matter in the end. It won't matter if Elain had a fling or she avoided him (which she could actually be doing because it's becoming more difficult to not want to give in to the pull she feels while in his presence and she knows it's not their time). If they end up together, their foundation will be incredibly strong because Elain and Lucien know that they gave one another the time and space to decide what it is they wanted. Neither will be left with any doubt that at the end of it all they're both exactly where they want to be.

[andro-dino]

May I either hear more about the KyoHyoTsu madness, Sakyo’s dad and mom hcs, or mayhaps a little of the hopeless romantic DSS?? >>:3333

AUGH THREE BULLETS IMMEDIATELY STRAIGHT TO THE HEART YES

kyohyotsu. augh i missed them so bad. another comic idea that I’ve had for a while that I don’t think I’ll ever get around to drawing is the three of them going for a walk, and Hyoma gets cold, and immediately the other two wanna give him a jacket but they realize three very important things very immediately

1. Kyoya’s jackets are sleeveless

2. Tsubasa doesn’t even wear a jacket in the first place

3. Really, Hyoma’s dressed the warmest out of the three of them

and they scramble. both of them are so disappointed in themselves as partners. ultimately they just settle on the double arm around the shoulder. Hyoma is 100% okay with this solution.

Also @ ur tags on my last post of them,,, we’ve already established that kyoya smells like dirt (/pos) to both Tsubasa and Hyoma. To Tsubasa, Hyoma mostly smells like fresh air and occasionally clean laundry. Kyoya thinks Tsubasa smells like lavender, but he can’t quite place what Hyoma’s scent reminds him of. It bothers him. He’s forced to bury his face into Hyoma’s shoulder occasionally to try and figure it out but he can never get it. This is also an arrangement Hyoma is 100% fine with

Bit of a hurt/comf one that is mostly kinda me projecting, but Hyoma very frequently gets waves of random sadness and a lot of the times when this gets bad, he gets really bad at communicating verbally, but also requires more attention. I think they have their own little way of going about it but usually this results in the other two cuddling and reassuring him when he needs it. It doesn’t make it go away completely but it helps and Hyoma appreciates it.

Tobio and dss,,,,, man I haven’t thought about them in ages either I miss them too!!!! Tobio is a character I love so dearly I love him so much. Him being a hopeless romantic is an idea I love so much but it’s even better when you pair it with his super cool guy persona. and I mean it’s barely even a persona bc he’s actually just kinda awesome and I love that for him. but like, he’s so flashy and charismatic and has this air of mystique to him all the time, and just imagine that contrasted with him being the biggest lover boy of all time. it’s great I truly do adore it. I can imagine it causing some hijinks as well because I like to think of both Tetsuya and ryutaro on the aroace spectrum and while they’re not completely without romantic attraction, it’s also not something that they’re entirely familiar with or know how to go about dealing with, so that paired with ultra romantic Tobio is just very silly. I imagine sometimes he gets a little overexcited when it comes to romance and tends to move a little too fast at times and has to physically hold himself back so as to not push the others too far. It’s not something he minds, just that he needs to adjust to properly. The others, for their part, I think both admire Tobio in their own ways. Ryutaro is very fond of him as a whole and appreciates having someone else who can share the braincell from time to time, and Tetsuya is totally enamored by how cool he is. Tetsuya and Tobio are definitely my fav individual duo between all of them (the movie definitely contributed to this) and I just think the idea of Tetsuya genuinely admiring Tobio and thinking he’s really cool but never fully expressing that is so sweet. Tetsuya tends to be very goofy a lot of the times but I think tobio’s presence inspires him to muster on his more genuine, affectionate feelings a lot more and I just really enjoy that dynamic. The three of them are all so silly and different but it’s in such a way that I really do think that they’re all just kind of perfect for each other and I really love that about them.

AND OH BOY. RYOMA AND VICTORIA KURAYAMI MY BELOVEDS.

I don’t know how much I’ll go into about them because recently I mentioned in a server wanting to write a full kurayami family lore doc and honestly I think I might actually get to that soon but like god there’s so much.

I do feel a bit bad because of the two of them, I think I’ve developed Victoria a little less than Ryoma just bc most of the thoughts I’ve had about them center around the dragon clan specifically and the themes they present but ourghh. ourgh. I’ll save the angstier stuff for the lore doc I think.

The two of them met as young adults. Victoria was a prolific blader and adventurer, constantly in search of new horizons and stronger opponents, yk pretty typical blader stuff. She’s a very vibrant character and very friendly, though always preferred to travel on her own. She enjoys taking in a lot of different scenery and exploring and learning as much as she can about every new place she comes by. A lot of the connections she makes on her travels are temporary, and she’s okay with that. She journals a lot so she never forgets anywhere she’s been or anyone she’s met there.

Ryoma meanwhile was one of the very few living members of the dragon clan, and those guys have never been all too familial in the first place. I’ve been thinking about his specific relations to Ryuga and Ryuto recently, as of right now I’m settling on the three of them being cousins. He was never close with them, both with him being a fair bit older than them and all of them being very independent individuals. Ryoma I think more than most other dragon clan members tended to stay pretty close to home, not really having any certain path he wanted to follow besides the general ideas of being as strong as possible and taking down strong opponents that were generally upheld by the dragon clan.

Their first meeting was on a volcanic mountain top. Dragon clan members are naturally drawn to volcanic areas, so Ryoma was just wandering a little further from home than usual, mostly just trying to clear his head. Victoria was traveling Japan at the time, again just taking in the scenery, enjoying a little bit of danger, when their paths crossed. The way I’ve pictured it in my head, I’ve described as very similar to Sakyo and Shinobu’s first battle. They lock eyes and almost immediately recognize each other as bladers both understanding that they’re about to battle. The battle itself I still haven’t decided concretely on the results of but the important take away is that they’re evenly matched, and both of them leave it very fascinated with each other. Ryoma is still very gruff and closed off at the time, so rather than lingering for long, turns to walk away. Victoria asks if she’ll meet him again, and Ryoma assures that she will.

And lo and behold, she does. They meet and battle several more times after that. At first, Ryoma thinks that maybe this is the destiny he was meant to follow, that she is his ultimate rival that he was destined to defeat/surpass, but gradually, the more they battle, the more they learn about each other as well. And eventually, it’s Victoria who first suggests that the two just. Talk. Hang out a bit. And they do. And it’s foreign to Ryoma. He’s not used to casual dynamics. He’s not used to feeling comfortable with someone else. But Victoria’s been steadily chipping at his walls and he’s welcoming this. For Victoria’s part, this is the most attached she’s ever been to anyone she’s met while traveling, but something about Ryoma keeps drawing her back in.

Ryoma doesnt disclose much about himself or the clan specifically, but as they do start becoming closer, and eventually falling in love, he does let her in on a little bit about his family being overbearing and disapproving of their relationship. Victoria doesn’t fully understand the extent of this and gives the best advice she can, and eventually, Ryoma ends up gaining the confidence to fully run away with her. It’s the most free he’s ever felt and it’s the first major step into allowing himself to become more of a person.

Their domestic life together is very comfortable. It has its bumps, especially at the end, but for what there is, it’s the best thing either of them have had in their lives. Both of them work together to take care of themselves and each other more, which is what eventually leads up to them having Sakyo. Ryoma loves him more than anything in the world, and is so relieved that he can give his son a better upbringing he had without the same expectations of the dragon clan (dramatic irony and all that haha). Both him and Victoria are such loving, hardworking parents who truly wish nothing more than to give their son the world.

I’ve already said a lot and it’s hard to go further from here without getting angsty ahshshd. I will say, in the manga-compliant version, Victoria, still alive, is very proud of her son and heavily encourages him to pursue both ballet and beyblade. She sees a lot of her younger self in him and holds great faith that in letting him go off on his own (with takanosuke)(I’m very quickly making childhood friend hcs about manga takasakyo bc there’s nothing stopping me now), he’ll be able to build similar strong, important connections as well.

IM REALLY WRITING TOO MUCH AND I PROMISE IM GONNA WRAP IT UP SOON but the one other thing I wanted to mention is that I do have a slightly less angsty au for Victoria and Ryoma where they meet as teens instead of adults. In this version, I think Victoria is able to more quickly get Ryoma to open up and break away from the dragon clan before their toxic ideals get fully ingrained into him, and it gives him more of an opportunity to be a kid and be able to enjoy his life more and I just think it’s very sweet and comforting. here’s some doods I’ve made of them bc I love them <3

[safetycar-restart]

Smt i always imagine is our soft subby boys meeting an expartner and hearing about what your relationship was like with your former sub and its a completely different dynamic from the one you have with him and!!! I could write a thesis on why i think there are very specific categories they all fall into!

Charles... first of all babygurl charles does not want to meet your former sub, does not even want to acknowledge you had previous relationships. You're his now and he's happy being delusional! If it was known they would be at an event you're going to i think he would be very sneaky and try to find a way you can both avoid it, but if you have to go theres no way hes not going to be there (i hc charles and being very protective, very territorial- he does not want to share!). And charles is trying to avoid them but is so hyperaware of their presence he kind of just ends up glaring at them all night while you have an arm around his waist ... so, like, they have no choice but to approach, charles is drawing attention and its awkward 😭 and okay okay your arm never leaves his waist but you smile and maybe just a small comment is made, idk, charles trying to brag about your dynamic and how much attention you give him, bc! He needs to know! You like charles more! And then your former sub goes oh no ours was really laid back, i didnt need too much and she could have other hobbies 😩 i literaly have no idea, i leave this to your talent to make it more believable, but ! Charles just deflates, everything has been too much and hes so overwhelmed and just tired and then teary, but he doesnt want to leave you and just needs you to know he needs to be at home alone with you in spft pyjamas cuddling - i hc charcles as well as just expecting you to know his every feeling, he knows its good to communicate but you always just seem to know ... so just a little bit when you keep talking even with his shiny eyes looking at you and youre not even looking back hes feeling betrayed?? And he knows its irrational but he cant help it.

You go through the rest of the night with a very sullen and withdrawn charles who wont really talk to you but also wont stop hugging you and god forbid you dont hold his waist (very zendaya and tom holland okay? Have you seen those photos???? BABYGIRL) even if hes sad and just a tiny bit upset with you he still needs you to hold him, or hes just gonna fall apart, and now i leave this to ypu, if you want to answer! Just insecure sad charles needing reassurance, but getting the problem out of him is challenging enough. Ik you can do this justice bestie!! Would love to hear your thoughts. I have ideas for the others as well but i thought it was too much for a single ask 😩

Oh my god I love this. PLEASE PLEASE send me your other ideas!!! Please!!! I need to know all the thoughts!!!! I added mommy kink to this because I think it works really well with the different dynamic aspect?

So firstly, yeah charles is happy to live in delusion! He’s your baby boy and you’re his mommy and it has simply always been that way in his little head. He never ever wants to meet anyone who has been with you before him, because no! He refuses! He’s yours and you’re his and that’s it.

(Sidenote: he gets even more distressed when he meets one of his exes)

And because of Charles being so territorial, he honestly loves going to kink events? Of course it’s always very high class kink events where everyone has to sign NDAs to protect Charles.

He LOVES being on your arm the whole night, letting everyone see what a good boy he is for his mommy. He wears his collar so proudly, clinging to your side the entire evening and just being so happy because so many people come up to you two and no one even thinks of trying to join you two because it’s so clear that you’re together and need no one else and Charles is THRIVING.

You spend a fair amount of the evening with Charles curled up on your lap, receiving a slow handjob and he’s truly living his best life. So many people come to watch but none can touch and even when they make comments or suggestions, Charles always looks to you because you’re his mommy! He’s a good boy, only listening to his mommy.

So after you’ve teased an orgasm out of Charles and he’s all soft and happy in your arms (and trying to get down onto the floor because he’s feeling soft and subby and he must return the favour! Must taste mommy!), you decide it’s time to walk around the room a little and actually greet some people.

Charles is more than happy with that, because he loves being arm Candy. He’s in no state to actually talk much, but he knows you’ll handle that.

That’s when you run into your ex. Charles has heard about the person before, because you’re both very open about who you’ve been with before. Maybe Charles had even seen a picture of them before?

Even normally, Charles would be very unhappy with seeing one of your exes. But at a kink event? When he’s just had an orgasm? Oh no Charlie is VERY upset about this.

He glared at the person, sticking to your side and pouting. At first you think it’s Charles being possessive because you did just make him cum and are now looking at others. So you tighten your grip on his waist, pulling him closer. You expect him to melt into your side as always, cuddling into you and then happily getting his cuddles while you chat to some people.

But that’s not what happened, because Charlie’s is upset! He will not just melt into your arms because an ex sub of yours is right there!

At the same time, your ex sub notices you and comes to say hi. The two of you left on good terms, and you don't mind running into them at all. Charles though? Charles minds. He really really minds.

Charles introduces himself though, prodding announcing that you're his mommy, emphasising the possession because he needs the ex sub to know that you're HIS mommy now.

Only for the ex sub to smile and say, "Oh that's nice, we never really did that dynamic together, preferred more lowkey stuff."

Which just... Charles needs to go home now. He needs to go home right now.

He knows that he should be happy to hear that you havent been anyone else's mommy. But that also means that you havent wanted to be anyone else's mommy. Do you not enjoy it as much as he thought you did? Is he just a burden?

He's too sad and too subby and you must take him home now!!

Except he doesn't voice this, he just forces a laugh and cuddles as close to you as he can, trying to get some comfort. You don't notice anything odd about his behaviour, because you expected him to be quiet and clingy after his orgasm.

But then you try to walk somewhere else, expecting Charles to come with you but Charles doesn't expect it. So he just kinda stands there and whines?

You take a few steps before realising Charles isnt with you, and when you turn around, you see a sobbing Charles watching you. The poor thing assumed you were leaving him, not that you were simply going somewhere else and expecting him to follow you.

Your heart just breaks, because your little sub is clearly so lost and confused and something has made him so much more upset than he should be.

So you quickly go back to him, pulling him into your arms and apologising for not warning him that you were going to move.

"Mommy," he whines, clinging to you, "mommy.... need mommy."

You hold him tight, kissing his neck and promising him that you're right there, that he has his mommy.

You take him home after that, changing him into comfy clothes and letting him cuddle him into you. You just hold him close, waiting for him to calm down before you ask him anything. You know that if you ask him what happened before he's ready, then he'll only get even more upset.

So you just let him calm down in your arms, keeping him warm and safe and giving him plenty of forehead kisses.

When he's ready, he admits that what really upset him was meeting your old sub, and hearing that you had a much more laid back dynamic with them. You understand then, and your heart just breaks because your subby baby should never ever think that he's too much.

"Things were more laid back with them," you explain, "and yeah I've never had such a serious dynamic before. But I've also never had such a cute babyboy before, and I've never wanted to look after someone like I want to with you before."

"So you... you're happy with me?" he asks you, sniffling a little.

"Of course!" you say, "I love you! You're my baby, yeah?"

He nods then, managing to give you a little smile.

But he'd still rather be delusion though. He belongs to his mommy and his mommy belongs to him.

(PLEASE SEND ME THE OTHER THOUGHTS I NEED THEM)

[haryuusart]

(rant, you can ignore)

I believe I'll never be truly part of a fandom in the way I've always wanted

It's a piece I've been missing since little me had access to internet: to be part of something. Which is absolutely silly and not that important, I know, but- y'know, most people, in the back of their mind, always hope that something apparently unrealistic will happen in some way, I think

So I've tried countless times to fit into fandoms of things I love but it just- never sticks (in the way I wish it would, that is). It's like goldilocks, too much, too little, but never just right

I write and a few people like it- but maybe it's too poetic, too long, simply not enough to attract

I draw and a few people like it; but perhaps it's not aesthetic enough, too stiff, not creative enough, too boring

I try engaging with people, share ideas, try to make mutuals, with artists and non artists- but maybe I'm too much, too boring, people simply don't like me and... end up ignoring me

When the genuine naïve passion was still there, not corrupted yet, I would have created anything my mind imagined, with no boundaries dictated by social medias or people. I would not care. That was my purpose in life; to be an artist.

But then my mental health progressively decayed, unstoppable and violent. I would still have the spark to create, the desire to be an artist, but I didn't have the time nor the strength to. I was too tired and busy and undiagnosed and sad and.... Everything else.

Now I'm- I wouldn't say too old, I know there are no age restrictions, but I still feel like I'm running out of time. Not because someone else necessarily set a timer for me, saying that I have to be successful in this if I want to continue being part of fandoms- maybe I set my own timer and expected to be able to meet my (probably unreasonable) expectations.

I now have more time to draw and write and create, and sometimes I do. I just feel like I've already used so much of my creativity and inspiration and... love for art, that I've almost used it all. It's like the battery is almost dead but I don't even know if I want to recharge it. Would it be worth it?

Truth is, I think there's like a 0,2% probability that I'll get what I've always wanted, and that's fair I guess. You can't have everything, right? It's just.... sad. I know 16yo me really hoped I would make it. I know 18yo me had less hopes, but still dreamt of making it somehow, by some miracle. I know 21yo had absolutely lost any hope left and swore she'd never come back and try, and I get her. I know 24yo me, when she tried creating again, felt that exhilarating spark for a moment and clinged to it for dear life.

I don't know what 26yo me feels. The spark is somewhere in the back of my mind, pushing me to try again, to not let go of this. But I don't know. I don't know if that's enough.

[kalessinsdaughter]

Mistborn – The Final Empire, Chapter 38

Kalessin reads cosmere

Prologue | Chapter 37 | Epilogue

It's a bit sad, reading this epigraph knowing/guessing that it won't be the writer who Ascends, but the man who hates him.

The (chief?) Inquisitor, Kar, seems to share Rashek's sense of entitlement, and resentment at having to bow to people he feels are inferior.

Vin has taken a leaf out of Kelsier's book, when it comes to dramatic entrances. And the mist is helping, it seems. But damn, she's got the wrong idea about killing the Lord Ruler!

She's going on the assumption that the eleventh metal is the alloy paired with gold, but I'm pretty sure Rashek's past-self being as insubstantial as an atium shadow confirms the eleventh metal is the alloy paired with atium. I don't know why it felt like gold to Vin, though. Maybe atium's alloy has gold in it, like the copper in brass, or the tin in bronze.

Wait, what? Marsh?! I knew there was a reason why the dead body was unidentifiable! But he's been made an Inquisitor?! Was he a willing recruit, for the cause of the rebellion? Or did he not get a say? I guess he was the unsmiling Inquisitor Vin spat in the face in the cells. Oops.

Anyway, he's killed all the other Inquisitors, by ripping out a third metal spike from their backs? I wonder how that works. But Marsh has no more clue how to kill the Lord Ruler than Vin had.

I want to shout at Vin that the Lord Ruler's embedded bracelets aren't for decoration: they're for his Feruchemy. But she still hasn't realised that he's Rashek.

And holy crap, is he powerful! Poor Vin, I can't blame her for despairing. But at last, she understands who he is!

I like how the rebels cheering outside give Vin the mood lift she needs to see the significance of those embedded bracelets. And how her grief and anger over Kelsier's death give her the final strength to Pull the bracelets free. Although it seems the mist plays an important role, too.

Of course it's Sazed who comes to find her, again. I wonder a little about the robe and the spear. By now, I expect everything about him that appears to be simple, mild or weak, to only be deceptively so.

Vin's thought, "In a way, we were all just as useless. We should be dead, not the Lord Ruler," feels so wrong. She's just done the impossible and defeated him, ffs! It's like her thoughts are still trying to defeat her. But at least her next thought is wonder at having done something truly extraordinary.

I like how Sazed and Marsh make sure Rashek dies knowing that his legacy will be—nothing. Good for them. Sazed's words, about how these people never cheered for him, made me think of what Rashek said earlier, about proving himself to the skaa. And Vin delivering the death-blow with a greeting from Kelsier feels appropriate.

Rashek's final words, that they have doomed themselves, sound very ominous, though. What does he mean? What really happened at the Well of Ascension?

This was a really intense chapter, and packed with things I need to think about.

It's still so weird that Rashek as the Lord Ruler has both Allomancy and Feruchemy. But I guess that's how he's lived so long, using Allomancy to turbocharge his Feruchemist age-manipulation? What else could he turbocharge that way?

I like the description of how Inquisitors perceive the world around them, using Allomancy instead of eyesight. So they're always burning metal? Is that part of what makes being an Inquisitor so draining, even when they're not fighting? And what was that third spike?

Am I reading too much into things, or does the mist play an active part in Vin's fight? She definitely draws on the mist for Allomantic strength to be able to Pull on the bracelets. And it curls around her, but seems to avoid/be repelled by the Lord Ruler and the Inquisitor. So, what is the mist, really?

[dreastmilk]

if you have problems with dreams characterization in fics or you’re angry that there’s no smut or dream centric fics recently. Write your own fucking fics. authors are going to write what they’re interested in. it’s not our job to write whatever You Want.

-dnf authors everywhere

aaaand this is why I didn't want to say anything. I don't even know what brought this on right now.

listen. I'm not mad that there's no smut fics recently. I never said that. I don't know where this is coming from. While I am sad, this is less because there's no new smut "content" (which I don't even like calling it that) but more because we're in a recovery period. People have left. Those who have stayed are cautious. I wish we could go back to before, when we weren't stressed about this stuff.

dream centric stuff. I'm a drolo. I've shouted it to the heavens and back. I get sad because people aren't focused on dream so much as george. It's a phenomenon I don't fully understand to be honest, but almost all of the "popular" cc writers (and artists) are 1. into dnf and 2. portray dnf in a way that reminds me of a straight couple. where dream is (more often) the big strong guy who takes care of the smaller more feminine george. it's either george pov or its dream taking care of george. I'm not saying that recent, truly dream-centric fics don't exist (although I haven't really seen any). I'm not saying "authors should write what I want." I'm not saying that dream isn't also seen for his more "feminine" attributes.

I'm just saying that the most popular trends right now tend to upset me, since I love dream. I love seeing him, I love reading about him, I love seeing him (FICTIONALLY) go through struggles, and I love seeing him get taken care of. But that's not what people are writing or drawing. They care more about george. and it's the thing that's popular, that gets spread around more, that I keep on seeing on my dash.

If I had the time and ability to write fics that catered to me, I probably would. But they'd only cater to me. Maybe a few people would be interested as well, but the wider fandom doesn't want to see it. Or they wouldn't care enough. And when trying to find yourself or enjoy yourself in a community, that sucks. It's disheartening. Disappointing. I appreciate and try to share the people who are posting the same kind of stuff I like, but we're a small group.

Honestly, I'm not sure most dnf writers give a shit about any of this though. They do what they want. I'm not complaining directly to them about it. Not sure why you're attacking me about this now. Am I not allowed to be sad at not seeing content I enjoy?

[blueberry-lemon]

the never-ending hustle bums me out

I've posted before about how I worry about how hard it is to be a creative freelancer online these days, especially for artists and musicians.

I wrote about social media starting to splinter last year. And then later I wrote down some truly pessimistic fears over here.

But I had one more thing on my mind about posting work online, so here it goes:

It makes me sad when I see people having to do the online content creator dance to get more Likes, Shares, and Followers.

And to be absolutely crystal-clear, I'm not judging everyone who is doing these things. I completely sympathize and I understand being in a situation (especially financially) where it feels that there is no other choice. It just bums me out. Especially the feeling that platforms make us dance and beg for attention. I'm mad at the tech companies and all the ways that they leave breadcrumbs out, telling people that it's easy to build an audience on their websites when it isn't at all and the engagement doesn't always translate into anything.

Elaboration below.

Everyone's gotta hustle, and I get that.

You have to put effort in to get eyeballs on your stuff, whether you're doing it for your income or just as a hobby. But it bums me out when someone was originally doing something they were passionate about, and now all of a sudden they're uploading like 5 Youtube videos a week with clickbait thumbnails and the whole nine yards, or tweeting with all sorts of hashtags, trying desperately to get "picked up" by the algorithm so that they can get some forward momentum and followers.

I think it's the "picked up by the algorithm" or "hoping to go viral" thing that bothers me especially. Because it's so nebulous, with ever-shifting goalposts that the companies who make these platforms don't care about at all. Even creators who DO have over 100k or 1m followers still struggle to maintain their livelihood because of all the ever-shifting preferences of the (supposed) algo.

This all came back to mind recently because of a mini trend on Twitter where creators are pretending to repost their own art to get more retweets. Basically, the theory is that people who steal art and repost it get more retweets than creators, so it's worth trying to pretend to be a reposter to get more people to share your art. "Woahhh, who drew this??" as a caption on your own drawing.

If I'm being totally honest, I don't really care about this little trend-of-the-day either way. I thought the original (now deleted) tweet was interesting and funny, and I'm sure most artists who have tried this afterward are doing it as a joke. I also think the lesson isn't really to say "yo who did this??" but rather just that people tend to retweet things with shorter, snappier, more relatable captions rather than a long self-promo post. I'm sure, psychologically, that self-promo posts with hashtags tend to turn a lot of people off, so they don't retweet them.

But in the grand scheme of things, I don't think any of these small tricks are going to make the difference in people having success or fun with their creative work. @erica had some nice thoughts about it over here and I'm inclined to agree. When the never-ending hustle to make social media work for your art feels hopeless, I think it's because the particular treadmills that you're running on might actually be hopeless. It's exhausting to constantly push more for more Likes, Shares, and Follows. I know that it's pretentious for me to say this (full-disclosure: i make a living off working for an indie game studio and don't currently hustle for freelance commissions) but I think scraping every last Like, Share, and Follow you can grab is unfortunately not going to change your life.

This is purely anecdotal, but no one who I support on Patreon or Twitch or whatever is someone who I just randomly saw on my timeline with like "cool art" or "a funny joke." It tends to be people whose work really speaks to me, or more likely, someone who speaks to me as a person because of their own thoughts, life, and experiences.

At the end of the day, it's probably more worth it (emotionally yes, financially maybe) to forge connections and bonds with people in smaller crowds. Places outside of Twitter, Tumblr, Instagram, Youtube, and TikTok. Places in real life, like conventions and meet-ups. Places on the "smaller" web, like forums, Discord servers, personal blogs, etc.

But, again....................what are we all to do? It sucks. And if there's a chance, even a small 1% chance, that you can get more followers, peers, friends, clients, and customers by hustling on these huge platforms.....I totally understand why everyone does it.

It just bums me out to see it. Particularly because I know that it takes time. And it takes effort. And mental and emotional energy. And all of that time, effort, and energy is probably better spent somewhere else, making the actual work that you like making and doing cool shit and exploring your own ideas and talking to people who really do follow you because your work speaks to them.

It also sucks because it pushes everyone into being the same type of "content creator" rather than specifically being a painter, or animator, or composer. Everyone feels compelled to make short-form video content, or microblog, or whatever it is that people say will make you go viral that week.

It all just sucks big-time and maybe it's obnoxious that I'm even writing this. My heart goes out to everyone freelancing. I have my fingers crossed that more stuff emerges that makes a clearer path forward. Patreon has thankfully helped make this life slightly easier for some people, but hopefully other tools will come out to supplement that and give people a safety net in case Patreon shits the bed.

[acourtofthought]

"Wait, so this girl, who's my sister's best friend is a dangerous creature who lures the love of my life away from me to eat him in the end and spill all the night court's secrets to our biggest enemy, Koschei? Hmm, I should warn them about her....NAHH, I'm just gonna give Azriel some earplugs as a joke. He should be smart enough to get the hint"

Do they truly not see how flawed their theory is? It's not just that, but also believing that Elain would be too incompetent to simply ask Feyre if there was a chance to reject the mating bond. "Are you stupid? Mating bond rejections are a big thing and should happen in her own book" I agree but are you stupid? It only explains why SJM hasn't made a mating bond rejection happen already, that doesn't explain why Elain would hold it off so long. You say she wouldn't know that she could reject it.. so you're saying that in all these years she never once bothered to ask anyone if it's possible and how to do so? You claim she's not interested in Lucien at all and even hates him... so explain to me what reason ELAIN (Not Sjm- ELAIN!) could have to not reject it already?

I'm hoping what I'm about to say won't be misconstrued. Because Elain is not real and this mating bond situation is not a real life problem so my stance is not meant to be offensive in any way to a person experiencing something within their own life or relationships. I realize that no woman in real life owes a man anything (or man owes a man or woman owes another woman). But this is a fictional fantasy world where mating bonds exist and that bond causes an crazy level of feeling and emotions between the two characters who share one. If Elain is going to reject her bond with Lucien, then doesn't it make her look like an extremely cruel person to have not rejected it in the last two plus years since they were made mates? When she KNOWS Lucien is struggling not to want to be near her? When she KNOWS he's looking at her with longing and sadness? I realize there's something to be said for the bond needing to be deal with in her book but does it make sense that SJM would have given Elain a bond with Lucien in the first place, all the way back in book 2, only to have her drag her feet on making a decision for all that time, and then decide to reject it in her book after we've all witnessed how uncomfortable it is for Lucien to have his Mate ignore him? If Elain accepts the bond, then readers understand the angst and why it was there, because when they finally end up together it's that much better. If Elain rejects the bond, SHE ends up looking like a cold hearted female because she has withdrawn from Lucien for over two years and then will be deciding to give him that one final kick after he's already been down. It would be different if she spent a bit of time really getting to know him in the novella or SF and they realized they weren't matched. But she has not allowed him to engage with her which means if it's an absolute certainty that she'll reject the bond, what has been holding her back all this time? She's just stringing him along and that becomes cruel. It will make readers dislike her even more than some already do because there will have been so real reason for her to draw things out this long after ignoring him. And yeah, back to the earplug thing. That would be such a joke and not the funny kind. I don't know how anyone would take her seriously if she had to explain to people that she gave Az earplugs to prevent him from being lured in by Gwyn but instead of explaining what they were actually for, pretended that it was for him to block out the sounds of Nessian having sex.

[ladynahimana]

I thought it time to give an update on my doujinshi progress for Teach me and sharing my thoughts on the topic of AI-generated art and how I came to drawing these doujinshi.

Progress is slow, because I'm not satisfied with the cover and I'm doubting ths appeal of this series in general. Its topic and atmosphere is not my strength and therefore I feel it's not enough. My mentor probably also felt this. She didn't like the script, but couldn't pinpoint what exactly was wrong with it. Maybe it's the kink. Neither of us know and since then I struggle. How to improve something you don't know where the exact problem lies? I still managed to finish the storyboard and my mentor now likes it and encourages me to finish it completely. After working on the cover and not being satisfied with it, I stopped working on it. Procrastination at its finest. Recently I at least finished the draft of the script for the next part, which will probably be the last of it, ending this series with three parts. Instead I want to go back in my comfort zone and that is heavy romance. My sister calls my works cheesy, but I like them the way they are and the most important thing for me is to feel proud of what I created.

So yeah, enough about my struggles with this new series. I started creating doujinshi as part of my manga lessons, which are part of the rewards I get on Patreon. When Covid-19 hit and cons all over the world got canceled, I decided to raise my pledge to one of my favorite artists to support her in these difficult times. The one-hour monthly lessons started out with how to draw in chibi style and after that, to continue the lessons, I decided to draw doujinshi with her guidance and feedback.

I love doujinshi and have collected four boxes full of only FMA ones. *cough* I rarely read a BL manga I end up enjoying, because I, as the reader, usually don't feel like the mangaka drew them with passion and more like because it's just a job they try to earn a living with. It's also why I'm not a fan of manga where writer and artist are different people. On top of that there’s this generic art style for the BL genre and the characters are really stereotypical and nowhere near as deep as the characters that can be used in fanworks (which is no wonder due to the short length of most BL manga).

And this leads me to AI-generated art. I'm just a hobby artist. I don't earn money with any of my art and therefore I personally don't have to fear for paying my bills. But I fear for the artists that do and the world of art in general. An AI will never be able to create something with a heart. It has no emotions. It does not think about happiness and the joy of creating something. It is soulless and their art will always lack something truly beautiful.

The sad thing is that so many people don't care. What they define as "beautiful" is different. They want to see “perfect” drawings. They don't see the beauty that is imperfection and criticize the work of artists, when they see it. Human faces are not symmetrical, not perfect and drawing them that way will always be more beautiful to me than an artist drawing one side of a face and then digitally mirroring that to create a perfectly symmetrical face.

Society doesn't see artists as essential, which Covid-19 already highlighted and now those artists are getting abused by stealing their art and training AI designed to replace them. When Clip Studio Paint announced the inclusion of Stable Diffusion into the program and advertising it with how easy and fast backgrounds can be created, I was like "oh no" and so relieved, when they canceled it after getting much negative feedback. Of course, drawing things like backgrounds is time-consuming and not the focus for readers of comics. In the age of webtoons it's all about being fast and productive, but at what cost? Ripping the artists off that fed the AI without consent to enable mass-production? To me an elaborate background created with 3D-models converted to lineart will always be inferior to a background that is self-made with wonky lines and a perspective that is a bit off. It's the heart, which created the artwork, that counts. It's not mass-produced and passionless. It's art that can even touch the soul. That being said, I would be really happy if my so far shared doujinshi were able to accomplish that for someone. Art is a passion I hope to never loose, even if there are times of struggle and uncertainty.

[abimee]

ive also long since walked on from that fanartist mentality of ''people should support me rather than just lurking in the shadows cause i need validity to keep going''. you know those posts asking people to reblog and like peoples art or else theyll leave the fandom and all the content will disappear because like

i sort of fundamentally understand thats not true. because the reason my art isnt liked much at all is because theres just an oversaturation of content (fanart) because its thousands of people making art for a shared interest, and so theres people whove been doing what im doing for long mucher, much better, much quicker, and more interestingly than me. i aint going to get much engagement because my art is low quality repeat of years old content, and people already have their favorite artists and fics that have tread this ground, theyre not going to give a shit if i make it again because im not that artist who effected them first, so im always going to be a low barrel smuckers artist churning out content for myself in a cave and maybe like a handful of people will throw me a chance but i know deep down im never going to be good enough, because im lazy and not skilled and not as good at envoking emotion or intrigue like those artists who do have the followers and stuff

and i dont really give a shit, i used to eat myself alive when i was younger and being made fun of and compared to better artists as the ''worse version of them'' but at this point i see no reason to immolate myself or cry out ''reblogs over likes!!" because ive stepped back, looked at what i was making, and genuinely asked ''who would give a shit about this besides me?". and that answer is nebulous and far reaching, and maybe some unknown entities out there do love all my work and follow me with an intense gaze of respect, but im not going to shoot arrows at a flying target and then cry when it doesnt land, because why just poison myself with self hatred and basing my emotional state on how many reblogs i get on a drawing, when i can recognize im one fanartist in a big freaking ocean of people whove long since gone and more coming in who will always swim faster than me. and does it matter to me??? should i truly base all my worth over the images i make for a piece of video game media thats not going to exist in maybe 40 years? did god really give me life on this planet just to cry myself to sleep at night because my art isnt getting the attention i think he deserves?

like yeah it hurts to know when your shit doesnt do well! it makes me really sad! i miss the engagement being semi known in the utdr community brought but what i realize im missing isnt the attention on my art but meeting people and engaging with them, having conversations over anonymous messages over a shared interest, learning other peoples headcanons and surprising them with a drawing! i miss the sociality of fandom and getting to fuck around, i dont care about compliments or notes, i miss being en extrovert talking to people about the video game, not my goddamn ego getting fanned by strangers!

so will i ever care if my 50 hour art piece failed in getting attention? no, because thats not what i want, what i want is to meet people and talk to them and have fun with the connection something like a video game can bring us, and when i first tried for those connections in utdr i was met with people so blinded by their fascination and love with my art that trying to just fuck around and be friends with them felt like i was at a wall of having to be the artist they appreciate me as rather than just some bum online making headcanons, so leaving utdr behind was both very good because i no longer had to deal with that wall when talking to people, but it also means i now lose a ton of social communication that came with being well liked amongst a group of nerds and now jumping into a new group of nerds as a nerd who hasnt been around for long. so i guess i just miss that. its why i enjoyed going to sacanime as just a random cosplayer and getting to talk to the cooler artists and random cosplayers, i love the community that comes with fandom and not at all the ''attention'' or what have you of fanartist. if that makes sense