#it's almost 4am why did i do this????

[ineffablecollision]

having seen the post earlier about stede's rings post-coitus i wondered when he took them off and if they're still there when he closes the curtains.

so of course, in my very sane ways, i made a gif!

now, enhance!

looks to me like the ring on his right hand is off already.

considering he wore his rings when he grabs ed...

means stede took his rings off before he closed the curtains!

[synthshenanigans]

[doodlenovaa]

Random thing I did because of my sleep deprived self, I managed to befriend a fly.

[n4b3]

.

[oculusxcaro]

Khare is absolutely not interested in having a relationship nor is she interested in getting into anybody's pants. She was already reserved before getting kidnapped and forcibly experimented on only heightened those feelings. The idea of getting close to anybody, much less have them find out she's really not as human as she appears is just too awful to think about.

[candlecat624]

woah holy fuck it’s been literally almost a week since I talked to any online friends. At all. time is horrifying.

[astolfofo]

…I had a thought about the halovians(specifically sunday) and want to know peoples opinions. do u think he has nesting instincts? :3 thank u for listening to my ted talk.

hi (i did say i was gonna answer this 2 weeks ago unfortunately I forgot i'm so sorry.) But anyways, thank you for your ask, and 100% he does.

tw: non-con, forced pregnancy, dark content. truly the unedited sleep deprived trying to write.

Okay i finished writing this i know you didn't ask for acutal writing but i went ahead and did it anyways because why not hope u don't mind

also excuse the fact that thus was posted at 4am and I was half falling asleep already while writing this.

There were three days in your life that you could have called the worst.

The first one was the day when Sunday took your life away from you, and claimed you to be his "wife". The second was when first time he chose to be intimate. The third was when you got pregnant as a result.

Nothing had ever stuck to you like the day after that. You felt like washing the sheets until your hands would bleed. You wanted to submerge yourself in bleach until every fiber of your body burned, shriveled up, and died.

You wanted to forget that it happened. That the events in the previous night ever happened at all.

But the soreness between your legs was a constant reminder. And even though the pain went away after a few days, it was replaced by something much worse. Something you feared.

You saw the signs from the second you got them. Your body felt heavy. You were constantly tired. You had lost interest in eating. It was obvious what was going on.

And for a few days, you tried to hide it. The longer Sunday didn't know, the better it was for you. That way, you could slowly while away your last few moments in peace before everything was taken from you in entirety.

After a few weeks, you couldn't hide it anymore. You remember staring at the double line on the pregnancy test.

You almost instantly broke down into tears. It wasn't anything that you hadn't already know n, but maybe part of you still just believed you were ill, that maybe there was another reason why you had missed your period that month. That the pain you kept experiencing was just from some kind of illness.

The last thing you could keep away from Sunday was taken away from you that day. The sense of freedom you could've had.

To Sunday, you suppose this was the final step he needed to take to bind you to him. Another way to control you. Another way to keep you in his arms, and make sure you wouldn't let go.

And if you didn't want to get murdered by the press, if you didn't want to further sabotage both your own and Sunday's public image, you knew to take it.

You had no choice but to take it. You were no more than an insect trapped under his thumb.

-

out of the two of you, there was only one person that was particularly enthusiastic about having a child.

It certainly wasn't you.

Ever since you had first found out about the pregnancy, you had felt empty. As if someone directly sucked the soul out of your body.

You weren't yourself anymore. You hadn't been for a long time.

Sunday didn't seem too bothered by it though.

You weren't sure if it was just his own parental instincts, or whether he could tell that it was almost time for you go into labour. Maybe it was a combination of both. You didn't care. You couldn't care less.

All you knew was that his presence was suffocating. Overbearing. Invasive, even.

You couldn't do anything by yourself. Sunday felt the need to assist you with everything you did. Even basic tasks such as grabbing an object, he insisted that he would get for you.

But what set you off the most, was his intense urge to keep the house in order. You had never seen him having such intense urges to organize a room even when just the slightest thing was out of order. He couldn't stand seeing the slightest speck of dust, he couldn't stand seeing the furniture just an inch out of place.

It drove you to madness.

If you had even slightly misplaced something Sunday you would notice Sunday getting slightly agitated.

From the moment he came home, to the moment he would fall asleep, he spent every waking second making sure the house was perfectly in order, before obsessing over you. At some point you just wanted to wave him off. Lock yourself in the bathroom and sleep for a long period of time, until you had no concept of reality anymore.

You didn't have it in you to keep going. week after week, month after month, Sunday's final goal had always to perfect you into an obedient wife that would do as they were told. And no matter how you tried to fight it... you were always forced back into obedience.

There's two cold fingers touching your chin, and lifting your face up, until you're forced to meet a pair of eyes.

They're bright. Everytime you see them, you can't help but try to look away. They were as bright as the sun, and just like the sun, you felt as if you were going to be blinded jfyou looked at them for too long. You guess it could've also been a sentiment to the power he held over you too.

"Dear, did you hear a word I just said?"

It's an obvious answer. But, you know better by now just to answer the question. You slightly shake your head, which supposedly satisfied him enough, to let go of the fi gers holding your head up.

He sighs, you're not sure in annoyance or in disappointment.

"If you keep acting like this, I'm going to need to resort to drastic measures..."

You look at him one more time. You remember how when you first saw him, you thought of him to be beautiful. To be almost ethereal.

You regret falling into that hypnosis. You regret looking at him at all.

Look at where it got you.

[smoochhyuka]

Fucking Tubatu on a party

You can't wait until home.

○o。content warnings! NSFW, sex in public spaces, fem!reader, mentions of alcohol and intoxication in all, drunk!reader in all, established relationship in all, brief mention of friends smoking and oral m!receiving in Yeons, jealous!Soob and brief mention of asphyxiation, free use and fingering in Gyus (I am unsure how to write for him so its a lil weird), cunnilingus, unprotected sex and maybe strength kink if you squint in Tyuns, perv!manipulative!Kai as well as oral m!receiving and breast play, kinda more like a prompt than general hcs, unedited

Yeonjun

Yeonjun and you go out quite a lot, most of the time you either go to a bar as a date or he gets invited to stuff and he takes you as a plus one.

You are a firm believer that the getting ready portion of the night out is almost the best part, so you usually meet at either one of your places to do so together. At the beginning he didn't quite get it, but after a bottle of wine, a fotoshoot and a karaoke session he understood the appeal.

Therefore the sexual tension is already high before you even leave the house. It only gets worse throughout the night, especially the more alcohol you drink or the harder you grind on another on the dance floor. After a few hours of not even bothering to hide the boner, most of the time Yeonjun will just take you home a little earlier than planned.

But tonight is different, it's the birthday of one of his friends and he really wants to stay until at least 4am at the house party. It's just past midnight, his friend just finished opening the presents and Yeonjun knows he can't handle the blue balls for another four hours. The fact that you decided to wear the shortest and tightest dress you own doesn't help a bit.

Since the party has just gotten started, everyone is inside socializing, no one is going on the balcony for quite a while. Even all the smokers decided to go collectively before midnight so they can all comfortably celebrate the birthday together, you two can have a little bit of privacy...

Of course you noticed all of it: the boner, the lustful stare in his glossy eyes, his wandering hands, the passion even behind small pecks. The moment you saw his eyes wander toward the balcony you understand, and pull him outside. It's chilly, but thankfully not cold. Without wasting any time you unbuckle his belt.

He hisses the moment the cool air hits his swollen cock. It's an angry shade of red and his balls feel heavy and hot in your hands. He presses one clumsy kiss on your lips before you squat in front of him, struggling at first to balance your tipsy self on your heels like that.

You slowly trail the tip of your tongue along the base of his dick until you reach his tip, he can't help but moan loudly. The music definitely muffles the sound for the party attendees, the neighbors aren't so lucky.

It's the alcohol leading him, he swears! Normally he wouldn't risk to get caught receiving the sloppiest head known to man.

Soobin

He tends to stay home on the weekends, clubs aren't really his thing and bars are a waste of money. One of his friends hosts really good house parties though, they are a little smaller because they aren't open house and sometimes they even have massive wii u party or just dance tournaments, which is a lot more up his alley.

This is the first time Soobin asked you to tag along, your relationship has gotten a lot more serious lately and this is the perfect opportunity to introduce you to his friends.

He told you it's a lot more casual than most house parties, so why did you decide to wear your cutest little two piece set? Velvety fabric in your favorite color, a tiny short and a flowy, cropped, long arm top. You look like a piece of candy.

Together you receive a lot of compliments for being a pretty couple and you seem to get along well with his friends.

Since you're the only woman present, and gorgeously dolled up like that, as well as the new one, of course all eyes are on you. And some linger a little longer than they should.

He trusts you and he trusts his friends, but not all of the attendees are necessarily his friends. Especially that one guy who is the cousin of someone? He doesn't even remember who he is affiliated to, just that he's also fairly new and already getting on his nerves by laughing way too loudly at anything you do.

It's your turn to dance against the current finalist of the just dance tournament. "Binnie, give me one last kiss, I am going to the battlefield.", you giggle, your words are slurred. You make him laugh with your cuteness, but he takes the drink away from you. You definitely had enough for the night.

Halfway through the song, you give up and just dance however you like. You're very clumsy, yes, but still so mesmerizing to watch. Your hips sway, your boobs jiggle, the cousin watches too closely...

Soobin is pissed, that guy has absolutely no shame! The moment you finish he grabs you by your wrist and pulls you into the hallway, leaving everyone confused, including you.

He knows it's not your fault at all, but he can't sit there and tolerate it any longer.

You definitely take his concerns seriously, you wholeheartedly do, but that annoyed expression on his face is something you have never seen before. Maybe it's partly the alcohol, but his jealousy is turning you on.

Of course he immediately catches the shift in your body language, that smirk on your face and the sultry tone in your voice. It's really not the time to fuck! But your hands on his chest feel so good, you looked really cute earlier, he saw a peak of your ass one time during your dance... he's too easy to seduce.

Now he is the one without shame, pounding you into his friends mattress. One of his large hand on your mouth to muffle the sounds, but everyone kind of guessed what you're up to.

The walk of shame back into the living room was the most embarrassing thing he has ever done.

He promises to buy new covers as punishment.

Beomgyu

The only party he really goes to is his own birthday party. It's his birthday, he needs to age with a BANG. He won't mind a quiet get-together, but why not go and play lazer tag with his closest friends? Oh, you thought you'd go clubbing? If you think Beomgyu is stepping a single foot into a club, you're wrong. He dances for a living, why go dance more in his free time.

It's seriously so much fun, you also put up a good fight against his constant targeting off you, you even got one of his friends to help you bully him back, but to no avail. He's in his element.

Afterwards you all go out to eat together, he even rented a whole restaurant just for this. Has he ever been this extra? But everyone is having a great time, you all have delicious barley tea and you get to bond with his friends even more closely.

The evening went well, so why is your boyfriend staring at you this intensely? Beomgyu is almost bruising your hand with his tight grip, but everytime you ask if he's alright he'll just smile and dodge the question. "Please let's talk.", you plead and you leave to go outside next to the restaurant, it's to the side so the only people who could see you are the ones actually looking into the alley.

You worry, is he angry you teamed up with his friend earlier at laser tag? He surely must know it was just out of opportunity and not to upset him or flirt.

You can't even begin to describe your confusion the moment he presses you against the wall and kiss you, without even saying a single word. His hands trail down and he grabs your ass, you moan into the kiss the moment he slaps it just the way you like. You push him away, "what is going on?", you whine. "I thought about his all day.", he whispers in your ear in that deep voice, just right before biting it, making you shriek.

He is always more playful during kissing and sex, but this is really another level.

"Can I?", without even waiting for a reply he slips his hand in your pants, massaging your bud. Even with all this confusion you can't help but get at least a little horny when your boyfriend kisses you passionately like this, without even caring if someone comes looking for you.

His long fingers work you like magic. Your moans only fuel him further, they sound so angelic, he can't help but groan into your ear.

You cum hard on his fingers, your lipstick smeared all over your face. He just laughs at you.

Although he has a raging boner he declines a helping hand and just helps you to look at least a little bit less fucked out and you return back inside.

Back home you will make sure to not only return the favor but also to spoil the birthday boy.

Taehyun

No because the last time he went to a club it was not only ass but he got leaked too, now he's only going out with you, so you can make sure its a fun and private night.

He's not just the only true extrovert in the team, but also the only one who actually enjoys clubbing and prefers it over bars and house parties. He lives for the moments in the night when a popular song is played and everyone hypes up about it, everyone is screaming and dancing and just purely enjoying themselves without worry or shame. It's like the time stops inside a club and he can fully let himself go. And with you next to him its even more enjoyable.

He definitely likes to drink, but since a) you get absolutely smashed some nights and b) he feels some sort of responsibility to take care of you, he makes sure to at least be able to walk in a straight line. It's like a trade, you protect the fun and he protects the safety.

But for some reason he is so wasted tonight. Maybe it's because the barkeeper went heavy on the liquor in the drinks you got, maybe its because he had dance practice today and is just a little more susceptible to the alcohol or because he hasn't been sleeping well lately... whatever the reason, this is probably the first time he is more drunk than you.

You absolutely take the opportunity, you take so many pictures of him and tease him in videos how he's slurring his words. His goofy, lopsided smile and the few hiccups inbetween are just so cute to you, you can't help but to be all over him.

All of your kisses, your teasing, your compliments and your lingering touches intend to be innocent, but your drunk boyfriend interprets them completely differently.

His breaking point is when you decide to go dance again, the song just switches from a common party song to a much more sexual one. You love the song and immediately start singing along while wrapping your arms around his neck. On the chorus you turn around and grind your ass on his crotch, he can't help but groan at the friction. Surprised he didn't actually cum on the spot, he forcefully cups your chin and makes you turn your head to look at him. "I need air.", he tells you, his voice more raspy due to the shouting all night.

You're surprised that Taehyun retrieved your jacket from the wardrobe, "We're not leaving, are we?", you ask as you're finally outside. "Let's take a walk.", he just rebuttals. There is a small park close to the club, since it's already 3am there are barely any people around. Of course you noticed his raging boner earlier, "Are you horny?", you tease him with a grin. His face turns a lot more serious than you expected, is mood switch concerns you, therefore you stop and stand in front of him. Before you could question him he, again, pulls you closer to him, but this time by your ass.

"Baby, you tortured me all night...", he whispers, the smell of his gum hitting your nose, "Why would you treat me like this, mh? Have I been neglecting you lately?" Yes, the last time you had sex was a week or two ago because of his tight schedule, but you definitely didn't intend to take revenge like this. Your reasoning falls on deaf ears though, he is sure you must have intended to get laid. "Let me make it up to you..."

With just a jacket between your bare ass and the bench, Taehyun is squatting between your legs on the grass, sloppily eating your pussy. There is still too much alcohol in your system to care if someone hears or sees you. Before you cum he pulls away, a few tears form in your eyes from the edging.

"You will cum on my cock, right? Please.", he asks politely. In one motion he picks you up, sits down on the bench himself and you ride him until both of you cum.

Taehyun doesn't even remember the next day.

Hueningkai

Hates any and every party. No way he's going.

Naturally, since Yeonjun is throwing a house party at the dorm, Kais plan is to flee into your cozy bed at your place, probably play animal crossing on your switch and eat yummy snacks. Only one problem, you got invited as well. He can say no to the members, but how could he say no to you?

Now you're sitting in his lap in the corner of the sofa, your back facing him and his head is buried into your neck, arms tightly wrapped around your belly while you're socializing with some of the female attendees. At the beginning he did engage in the discussion but has now stopped for a while now. He only had a single beer at the beginning of the party while you already graduated from wine to shots.

You thought he went quiet because his social battery is low, which is definitely the case, but not the only reason.

Since he doesn't party he also never went with you, of course he had seen a few pictures of your late night adventures with your girlfriends but they couldn't capture how sexy you look in real life. You told him you would wear shorts and a top, since it's just a house party and you wanted to be comfortable, but he didn't expect this to be your comfortable party outfit. The low-cut top hugs your tits beautifully, the tiny shorts sculpt your ass and your legs are fully exposed. If you look closely, he can even see your cameltoe.

He went quiet fighting his boner, by now you definitely should have noticed it if it wasn't for the alcohol. He can't ignore his blue balls anylonger and decides to test the waters by grinding into you, just a little bit. The friction immediately sending a wave of relieve over his body.

A shy hand creeps down to caress your thighs, which you finally take notice off. You excuse yourself to the bathroom, Kai following you like a puppy without even mentioning anything.

"You could've said something...", you scold him as you entered his room, pouting, "If someone noticed it would've been embarrassing..." Kai frowns, "Is being with me embarrassing?" His self esteem definitely took a hit tonight. "No!", you exclaim, hugging him tightly, "But we can't do it in front of other people like that, you know that." He scoffs at you and goes to sit down at the edge of his bed, crossing his arms. "And you know that I didn't even want to attend in the first place." You lock the door.

"I know...", you walk slowly up to him, pulling down your top to expose your tits, "I am so sorry...", you kneel in front of him, kissing his clothed and rock hard cock. "It's fine...", he murmurs, lowering his arms, gently stroking your left cheek with his thumb. You pull down his pants to place kisses all over his boner, focusing on his with precum laced tip. He's so sensitive due to the wait, just a few pumps with your hand and a few kitten licks later he cums all over your tits.

You sit up straight, allowing your boyfriend to massage his cum into your breast, twisting and pulling on your nipples. It doesn't take long until he's hard again and you obediently get him off a second time.

You won't return from the bathroom.

[gimmeurtmi]

puppy love — bang chan

pairing: bang chan x fem!reader

tags: established relationship, fluff, domestic bliss

warnings: swearing, fluff, puppy!, i wrote this at 4am.

inspo: buzzfeed’s puppy interview

notes: i couldn’t not write this, okay? chan with puppies was just everything i needed.

{ wc: 1925 }

“okay, don’t get mad,” your boyfriend said as soon as you stepped foot in your flat.

you barely even closed the door behind you yet he already stood in front of you, hands in front of his body as if to protect himself or stop you from lashing out on him.

“what did you do?” you asked slowly, looking around the house suspiciously.

“promise you won’t get mad first,” chan begged, hands now in a small prayer lock in front of his body. he even bowed his head slightly.

“i won’t get mad,” chan sighed in relief, “unless you did something incredibly stupid.”

“no, no, listen,” he tried to defend himself, “it’s not stupid! i thought it through!”

“channie,” you giggled, taking a step forward, “what did you do?”

“it was felix who suggested it and honestly, yeah, i agree with him so i don’t think it’s anything bad, really, i have a whole plan in place so you won’t have any stress about it and i promise i’ll take care of everything and—“

“—chris!” you yelled out, putting both your hands on his shoulder. “just tell me and stop freaking out before i even reacted.”

he smiled sheepishly at you before nodding his head.

“okay, so,” he took in a deep breath, “you know how we had an interview with buzzfeed today?”

“sure,” you nodded, your mind blanking out of any possibilities for what your boyfriend might have done to make him react this way; too nervous to even confess what he did.

“anyway. we have a dog now.”

as if waiting for his cue, just as chan spoke those words, a small puppy ran into the room.

it was black and white, but you could only barely make out his fur as he zoomed around your living room from one end to the other, slipping and sliding on the floor, as if chasing an invisible foe.

“his name is maniac,” chan smiled, hopefully.

“oh, i can tell,” you chuckled, as maniac came over to you and jumped up your leg a few times in greeting.

you picked up the puppy, letting it squirm in your hold as he licked you and kicked his paws around your arms.

“so?” chan raised his eyebrows, his irresistible smile following. “what do you think?”

“no,” you said simply.

“what? why?” he exclaimed.

“chan, you’re never home,” you sighed, “who’s gonna take care of this little guy when you’re away and i’m working?”

“okay, so,” chan took his phone out, “here’s a list of the top ten dog sitters in our area.”

“chan—“

“—and here’s a number for a dog trainer as well, who can look after him when we’re both busy and maybe teach him some manners as well.”

“but—“

“—and until he’s fully trained i bought these puppy pads,” he pointed to the corner, where a white pad as big as maniac sat on the floor, “so he won’t make a mess. and if he ever does i will clean it up.”

“and when you’re not here?”

“i spoke to a cleaner and they’re fine with coming along to clean the house if that ever happens.”

so he did think it through.

“okay, but what about our trip to jeju island next month?” you raised your brows.

“i spoke to the airbnb and they said they accept animals with an extra charge which i already paid for. and the man suggested some nice dog friendly activities around the area as well.”

it was almost like maniac knew you were talking about him, about an exciting trip, and he started wagging his tail manically before he jumped out of your arms and started rushing around the table in quick circles.

“he needs to be neutered,” you pointed out.

“he has an appointment with a vet tomorrow afternoon for his shots and that as well.”

“you promised me we’re going shopping tomorrow,” you countered.

“felix is taking him after the appointment,” he assured you.

you purses your lips as you stared him down. you had no more objections to raise at him.

you knew your boyfriend, and he was never impulsive. he would’ve thought every scenario through before bringing the dog into the house.

you sighed.

chan did his best impression of maniac’s puppy eyes and fuck did it work.

“okay.”

“okay?” he nearly yelled.

“if you promise to keep up everything you just said,” you pointed a finger at him in warning.

“yes, yes! i promise!”

“and he’s not sleeping in our bed,” you warned.

“you want me all to yourself?” he smirked at you, stepping forward to plant a kiss on your cheek.

“shut up,” you giggled, as he planted more and more kisses on your skin.

chan wrapped his strong arms around your body, pulling you into a close hug before he released.

“okay now that you’re not mad, let’s go get some takeaway from that place you really like down the street,” chan raised his brows at you, dimples on full display, sparkles in his eyes. he knew you couldn’t resist him—and although the would never abuse that power—you both knew you weren’t going to get mad at him regardless of what he did.

you nodded at him, placed a small kiss on his cheek, and waited patiently as chan got the brand new lead he bought along with all the other things your new puppy might need.

chan had to chase maniac around the room three times before the puppy stood still for long enough for chan to click the lead onto the black collar maniac wore.

“maybe we should get him a green collar, so he can match with the song,” you suggested. chan giggled at you.

“we can buy him anything you want, my darling,” he promised, grabbing hold of maniac who was squirming around as he took his keys and wallet off the side table.

the pair of you started walking slowly to your destination, maniac’s lead secured around chain’s wrist as he shoved his hand into his black skinny jeans.

the weather was soothing, the warm air around you relieved slightly by a low breeze, and the sun was still a few hours away from setting. you could feel the hints of autumn in the air still.

the slow pace of your walk, chain’s outfit, the weather—it was all so reminiscent of your first date. chan took you for a walk down to the park where the pair of you sat down for a picnic and talked and talked and talked. he was wearing all black that day too, a plaid shirt tied around his waist. he later on confessed he only brought it along in case you were cold and needed another layer. he hasn’t cut that habit ever since.

your visit to jeju island was planned in order to celebrate two years together, so even the time of year was the same.

it felt like taking a walk in the past—the only difference now was the puppy running circles around you two, and the fact chan was your lockscreen and not the boy you were nervous about holding hands with.

because you could, because you wanted to, you bumped your hand against chan’s, the same way you did that night when you wanted to hold his hand but were too scared to initiate the contact.

when you bumped your knuckles together, chan giggled.

“i was just thinking about our first date, you know,” he mused, “you did that that night too.”

“only took you ten minutes to get my hint and hold my hand that night,” you rolled your eyes at him with a grin.

“i was building up the courage!” he defended, lacing your hands together in a calm familiarity. “you can’t just hold a pretty girl’s hand without preparing.”

“well, i hope you’re prepared for this,” you pulled on your interlocked hands, stopping chan’s walk, before you placed your free hand on his cheek. you pulled him in as you pressed your lips together. chan sighed into the kiss.

“nothing can prepare me for your kisses,” he confessed as you pulled away slightly, eyes still closed.

“even after two years?” you giggled.

“when we’re celebrating twenty years i still won’t be used to it,” he promised, inviting a small family of butterflies into your stomach.

your ears grew warm as you looked into chan’s face and the sparkle hiding in his brown eyes.

at that, maniac jumped up on your legs, urging he gets more of the attention.

so the pair of you resumed your walk, the lead long enough to let him explore while still comfortably within chan’s grasp.

you picked up the food and made your way back home, not wasting any time before devouring your favourite dish.

when dinner was done chan showed you how much food maniac should be having (according to google) and promised to ask the vet for the proper advice on that. once maniac was done eating (he reminded you of jeongin when he ate) the three of you decided on watching a movie.

chan wrapped a hand around your shoulders, inviting you to cuddle into his chest as you watched whatever new film netflix was suggesting first.

chan rubbed his hands up and down your arm, sneaking a kiss onto the top of your hair every now and then.

midway through the movie, maniac jumped on the bed, and you noticed he was holding something gray in his mouth.

he walked all the way over to you, and placed it on your lap. it was wolfchan.

“maniac!” you cooed, “where did you find him? i’ve been looking all over for him!”

it was clear from the way the puppy raised his eyebrows at you that he thought wolfchan was just a toy, and was waiting for you to throw it around so you two could play, but instead you tucked wolfchan safely under your arm.

maniac whined impatiently.

chan patted his lap a few times, his voice raising incredibly high as he told maniac to come sit down.

“good boy,” he said, going even higher, “she couldn’t sleep without him when i’m gone.”

maniac’s head turned 45 degrees to the side, as if he was failing to understand why chan would ever be gone. you’d get along well with maniac, you think.

“chan,” you said after a while, the three of you settled into a warm position. your hand was rubbing up and down the puppy’s fur after he settled down in your boyfriend’s lap.

“yeah?” he hummed before kissing your cheek.

“you said he isn’t gonna sleep in our bed.”

“we’re just cuddling, he’ll jumped down after,” chan promised.

halfway through the movie you dosed off—you realised this when you woke up at five in the morning with an urge to pee.

chan was wrapped around you and so you delicately peeled his hands off you. you were quite used to doing that after all this time.

maniac followed you out of the room, waited patiently—which you did not expect—and followed you back into bed once you were done, as if he was tasked with keeping you safe during the night.

he jumped onto the bed right after you climbed in and settled back into chan’s warm embrace.

he definitely didn’t tell maniac to get off the bed once the movie was over.

it was the only time chan ever broke one of his promises to you—but when you looked at maniac curled into a black and white ball at the edge of the bed, you decided you weren’t that mad about it anyway.

[strawberry-cowmilk]

the brothers when mc has a nightmare

-> mc has a bad dream and goes to the brothers' rooms for comfort

mc's gender is not mentioned, not proof read

content warnings: nightmares

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Lucifer

he's a very light sleeper so he'd probably wake up before you even touch him or call his name

lucifer probably figured out you had a nightmare because what else would you be doing in his room at 5am (other than maybe putting toothpaste in his shoes because satan and belphie begged you to do it)

if you want to, he'll go to your room with you and wait until you fall asleep but if you ask nicely you may sleep in his bed

but imagine walking into lucifer's room because you had a bad dream and he's laying there flat on his back with the sleeping mask diavolo got him

Mammon

good luck waking him up because he can sleep through anything

but eventually you do get him to wake up (mammon screams and almost falls off of the bed)

but then he's like 'oh hey mc, I totally wasn't scared, what's going on at this hour?'

when you tell him you had a bad dream and needed comfort mammon feels super happy you came to him out of everybody in this house

but he tries to play it off like he's calm about it, like 'oh well I guess I could let you sleep here, be honored the great mammon lets you' (you can tell he's super shy and happy)

Leviathan

he's probably awake gaming when you stop by his room

and levi thinks you came to play games but when you tell him you had a nightmare he kind of has no idea what to do

do you wanna play a game to take your mind off of it? or do you need something else

in the end, levi lets you sleep in his bathtub because he realised you came to him because he makes you feel safe

levi doesn't go to sleep though, he keeps playing his game (blushing the whole time)

Satan

he's also awake when you visit him

and he literally asks him 'why are you awake' when it's 4am or something and he slept 3 minutes last night because he wanted to read

when you tell him you had a nightmare, satan gives you a picture book filled with images of cute cats

he said that book always calms him down after a bad dream, hopefully it helps you too

and yes you may sleep in his room (just be careful you don't trip on any stuff scattered everywhere)

Asmodeus

he was ready to kill anyone who dared disturb his sleep, he thought it was one of his brothers at first

'WHO- oh hi mc'

when you tell him you had a bad dream, he instantly made room for you in his bed next to him by scooting over

asmo will hold you for the rest of the night if you decide to accept his offer

and if you want to talk about it he'll listen to you, if you're extremely disturbed by the dream he'll try to distract you by telling silly stories

Beelzebub

he knows what it's like to have a bad nightmare, he could instantly tell what was going on

beel took you to your room, because he did not want to risk waking belphie (he would not be happy)

he offers you some water and your favorite snack and waits for you to stop being too distressed

beel doesn't bring it up ever after you're feeling better, if you're okay he's happy

if you want it, he'll stay with you until you fall back asleep or for the rest of the night

Belphegor

good luck waking him up first

but once he got to the point where he was able to register what you were saying, he felt bad

belphie offered you a space next to him, at first he was worried about waking beel up but he's not in the room (probably working out or in the kitchen)

he makes sure you will have a good dream this time, you can even tell him what you want to see and he'll make it happen

belphie gave you permission to wake him up if this happens again

[heesdreamer]

ECHOES OF RIOT

PAIRING ➩ heeseung x reader

SUMMARY ➩ falling inlove with a rockstar is never easy, especially when he returns to your hometown on a successful tour three years after you lost contact

WARNINGS ➩ this is like straight up angst… romance but mostly angst lol.. drug use, some violence, idk can’t really remember this is ridiculously long

WC ➩ 19.1k

AUTHORS NOTE ➩ well this took me forever lol.. i don’t have much to say i just hope you like it. NOT PROOFREAD normally written at 4am lol the usual.. also side note one of the main characters was chaeyoung and i changed her to heejin for obvious reasons so if you see any of her name left over that’s my mistake and that’s why.

You weren’t exactly sure how you ended up like you did, so meek and quiet to the point that it was an actual hinderance on your daily activities.

If you were born like that, just one of those kids that was too shy to talk to their classmates and hid behind their moms legs on the first day of school, you’d completely understand but you’d actually been nearly the opposite for your entire life.

Maybe it was an accumulation of always feeling like you were taking up too much space, being on the receiving end of quick glares from teachers when you lacked volume control or seeing the hesitance on your friends parents faces when they excitedly asked if you could come over for a sleepover. Mixed with your own sudden self awareness going into high school.

You quickly realized that it wasn’t the loud girls getting asked out on dates and it was an almost immediately decline into self intrusion once you made this discovery.

It wasn’t like you necessarily wanted to be asked out by anybody, physically recoiling as your friends gossiped about the mass appointed hottest guys at your school and turning up your nose when they made sleazy attempts to flirt and court the other girls around you, but it felt embarrassing to be constantly left out of romantic group hangouts or discussions about experiences you’d never had.

Still, you had managed to keep a solid group of friends despite your newfound habit of self isolating and they only halfway judged you for your tendency to stay in on the weekends.

On the other half however, they weren’t so forgiving, hence why you were currently stood outside a low scale concert venue shivering so hard you were worried you’d chip a tooth. You were pulling your zip up hoodie tighter around your body and sending glares to your friends who were chatting animatedly about the band they were going to see.

Apparently it was composed of some boys around your age, not attending your school but well known enough that they had been invited to some of your friends parties and events and eventually your friend group had been given tickets to one of their shows.

You weren’t the biggest fan of crowds in general but especially concert goers and you’d been promised that this one would be chill and relaxing, something you automatically knew was a lie the second you left the cab and saw the attire of everybody around you. The line was buzzing with energy and adrenaline and you could hear the acts doing soundcheck from inside, music loud and heavy.

It was freezing and as much as you were dreading being pushed into a crowd with jabbing elbows and sweat rolling off their skin onto yours, you were ready to get out of the line as more and more snow kept falling down onto the uncaring crowd.

“Aren’t you excited?” Your head was turning at the sound of a soft voice coming from your right and you smiled softly at one of your calmer friends.

“Sure Sunoo. It’ll be fun.” You were replying quickly, not needing them to feel awkward or guilty about bringing you just because you didn’t necessarily want to come. You figured he could tell you were lying by the pity filled look he gave you but he didn’t call you out for it.

He didn’t say anything else for a second and he didn’t get a chance before the doors were opening and the line was surging forward, already getting your tickets checked while you waited and turning into a blob of people and excitement all trying to squeeze into the single door.

You were groaning softly at the feeling of being jostled around but you couldn’t help but laugh at the fact all of your friends were linking arms and declaring to stay together, slightly envious of the pure delight on their faces whilst your heart was starting to ache from the anxious way it was pounding. You let yourself be dragged through the crowd by them, closing your eyes for a second when you pushed through the tightest areas and just allowing them to guide you through it.

The venue was more so just a bar with a small stage but your friends had told you that these were the best types of places to see a show at, intimate and ear shattering loud.

They’d said the last half with an enthusiastic giggle but you had winced softly at the image of how close you’d be to the large speakers that you now saw adorning the stage. It was dark in the building and your shoes were sticking to the floor beneath you, lights turned a deep glowing green and something more casual playing over the speakers to fill the silence.

You’d followed behind them as they found a spot near the bar, safely tucked away from the crowd and planning to wait out the opening acts here to preserve their energy. They all agreed to push into the crowd once the main band came out and try to get as close as they possibly could, looking over at you for acceptance and all smiling and patting your back when you gave a sheepish nod.

It wasn’t that bad and you were quickly getting used to it, the thick cloud of cigarette smoke settling over you and only making you slightly dizzy now.

You felt a bit embarrassed and out of place but everybody else was too excited or drunk to notice that you weren’t exactly in the most appropriate attire. Sunoo had shot you a questioning glance when you’d gotten into the shared cab but you only just now realized you weren’t fitting in with the rest of the crowd or your friends even slightly.

The difference between you and them was even more evident when the owner of the bar was stepping onto stage and excitedly announcing the first artists, all your friends cheering and holding onto each other while you sat and watched from one of the bar stools.

You were still able to have fun as you watched them, smiling softly at the way they kept instinctively moving forward together as the music started and they screamed the lyrics. You didn’t recognize the songs that the band was covering but you knew enough about music to tell it sounded amazing, watching them closely as they skillfully played off of each other and got the crowd properly amped up.

You’d never really understood the purpose behind opening acts but you were getting it now considering you were feeling more and more excited for the main band as you kept watching.

Then more time had passed and the crowd had entered that stage of being too excited and too intoxicated to really understand boundaries and limits, a few fights breaking out that your friends didn’t bat an eye at but you were starting to feel a really deep pit building in your stomach.

It only worsened when somebody was hurriedly, and messily, approaching the bar and demanding another drink as he anxiously looked behind him at where you presumed his spot in the crowd was. You were watching him out of the corner of your eye as he ordered, feeling him swaying drunkenly closer to you and wanting to make sure he didn’t accidentally tip over and knock you out of your seat.

Your intuition was astoundingly accurate considering it wasn’t long before somebody else was approaching the man and leaning into his side, sending the both of them tilting over in your direction.

You’d just managed to hop off the bar seat before they were slamming into it but with the speed in which you’d jumped off combined with the sticky floor underneath you, you were skidding forward and landing roughly on your side against the ground.

Neither man seemed coherent enough to notice you had fallen from the height and you could hear them drunkenly laughing with each other from above you. Your friends hadn’t noticed the altercation either and you quickly frowned at the nasty sensation under your hands before you were standing up and swiftly adjusting your skirt.

You were rushing back out towards the entrance before anybody could notice your disappearance, pushing back through the door and immediately being hit by the cold air as the snow continued to build up on the ground. You were sighing and bending down to pick some of it off the sidewalk, rubbing it in your hands and trying to clean them off the best you could with the wetness.

“You’re going to miss the main act.”

You were jumping at the sound of a voice coming from behind you, standing up swiftly and turning around to see somebody leaning against the building and taking a long drag from whatever it was that he was smoking.

“Oh.. yeah I know I just.. had something on my hands.” You were mumbling out towards him and indicating awkwardly at the snow in your hands, realizing how weird it must’ve looked from his angle.

He was laughing softly at your explanation and your face flushed in embarrassment again for the sixth time that night, taking in his attire and knowing he’d be able to tell right away that you weren’t exactly supposed to be here. He was tall, would be even taller if he was standing up straight and it was especially accentuated by the tight fit of his ripped black jeans. You couldn’t see his face super clearly from where he was stood underneath the shaky lights but his hair was messy and in his eyes and you thought you saw a piercing or two shining on his face.

“Who dragged you here?” He was suddenly asking and you froze up again as you looked at him, eyes darting down to his feet for a second nervously.

“My friends got tickets and I couldn’t get out of it.” You were telling him softly and shrugging a bit. A car was driving past on the empty road and you waited for the sounds of the snow crunching under its tires to quiet before you finished. “From the band actually.”

You look back at him just in time to see his eyebrows lift in surprise and then settle into recognition, your own shifting forward in furrowed confusion. The boy was taking a step off the wall then and flicking his cigarette somewhere off near the road, your eyes following the still burning ember as it flew through the air before circling back to him.

“I’ll see you inside then.” His tone was one of a statement and not a question but you were still slightly confused despite the fact you habitually nodded at him.

You let out a big sigh once he was leaving finally, weirdly going through the alley towards what you could only assume was a side entrance and not the door right next to him. It quickly slipped your mind and you decided to wait for the previous act to finish up before you also headed back in.

You crouched back down closer to the snow and continued to try and clean off your hands and parts of your sleeves that had gotten stained from whatever substances were on the floor. The cold was sending waves of shivers through you but you simply ignored the uncomfortable feeling, especially since you figured you’d warm up quickly once you headed back inside.

Eventually you could hear the second opening act thanking the crowd for their intense energy before the familiar voice of the bar owner was back, this time more excited as he announced that the main band was finally coming out on to the stage.

You sighed softly again to yourself before stomping the slush off your boots and heading back through the door, once again being hit by the tight atmosphere that was a lot more sweaty than when you had first walked in and was now practically buzzing with adrenaline.

It was harder than you had planned for to get back to your seat and you almost gave up and just resided to the back of the building but once the band members were finally on stage the crowd surged forward, a gap in the mass of people slightly opened up and you were hurrying through it back towards where your friends had been. They were gone now but you had expected that, knowing they must likely went closer to the stage.

You were just barely settling back into an empty stool when the band was coming out on stage and you frowned when you realized you could barely see them, sitting up slightly and freezing up when you got a better view.

One of the boys was standing center stage and speaking into the mic, presumably introducing them to the crowd who was cheering the loudest they had all night, but your gaze was drifting a few feet to his right to where one of the guitarist was standing.

You immediately recognized him as the boy from outside, a wave of embarrassment washing over you as you remembered how you had been less than enthusiastic about coming and had told him the band invited you and your friends. His surprised expression was making sense to you now and you would’ve turned to face palm if you weren’t stuck staring at him.

He was scanning the crowd for a few seconds and your eyes widened a touch when he was looking in your direction, stopping his wandering gaze as a soft smirk started to build up on his lips.

You were glancing around you to see if there was anything else he could be looking at and then feeling your face heat up alarmingly fast when you realized there wasn’t and he definitely recognized you from your awkward encounter outside.

Then they were starting to play and you were frozen for other reasons, your eyes locked on him and his frame as he started to open the song slow and soft. It wasn’t the type of music you had expected from them just based off of appearance and you were completely transfixed by the way they skillfully moved with their respective instruments, the boys behind the mics voice coming through now.

The crowd was swaying along with the gentle music, calming down into a low buzz like they were being completely controlled by the bands sound and energy.

You sat frozen like that for the entirety of the first song, mouth slightly parted in surprise and watching the boy you’d seen outside as he continued to play. You didn’t know much about guitars but you could tell he was good, his louder than the others and ringing out clear even underneath the distorted vocals.

He wasn’t looking at you anymore because he wasn’t looking at anything at all, leaning back and keeping his eyes shut as he played them through the final half of the first song. He was rocking along with his strums and he seemed just as into it and transfixed as the rest of the building was.

The first song slowed to a stop and you heard the vocalist laugh softly into the mic before he was glancing behind him towards where the drummer was sitting. You watched them curiously as they nodded at eachother in silent communication, amazed at how casual and relaxed they seemed to be in front of all of these people.

“Obviously we know what you’re all here for.” The lead vocalist was speaking into the mic with a small smile and the two guitarist start to build up the intro of the next song. “Watch your elbows and try not to knock anyone out.”

He was laughing as he finished his lighthearted warning but you watched as the crowd surged with excitement and started to move around, coming to life in sync like they were all the same creature and you felt a bit sick at how tight and moving it was quickly becoming. He was starting to sing again in a lower tone and even though the song was still bordering on calm, you could feel it building up along with the energy in the room.

It was closer to what you had expected their music to sound like and although it wasn’t necessarily something you’d keep on during your downtime, you couldn’t help but feel a bit giddy at the way the entire crowd reacted to the explosive chorus.

The drummers voice was rasping underneath the main vocalist now and you quickly understand their previous communication, a smile building on your face as you watched the guitarist from outside staring at them with an unfiltered excitement.

They played more songs and you continued to sit and watch them unmoving, your eyes mostly transfixed on the boy with the guitar until the end of their set. You’d never seen somebody play the way he did and you almost felt like you had no choice but to watch him considering how captivating he looked on stage. Eventually they were shouting their goodbyes towards the crowd and accepting thrown gifts and hands reaching out for contact, all except for the guitarist considering he was just watching and smiling at the crowd for a distance.

You were still watching them as they left the stage and disappeared back into the restricted part of the building, not even noticing when your friends were excitedly bounding back over to you.

“That was fucking awesome.” Heejin was wrapping her arm around your shoulder and shaking you enthusiastically, sweat lining her dyed hair now and making her tattoos glisten under the now red lighting.

“Jungwon somehow sounds 100 times better in person.” You turned your head to see Sunoo coming to sit next to you with an impressed look on his face, shaking his head in disbelief and still watching the empty stage like you were a few moments ago. “Plus I didn’t know Jake could sing like that.”

“He sang at that school event remember? Before Jay got him into drumming.” Riki was quickly explaining and taking a swig of a water bottle he was carrying, still slightly out of breath from the tight and hot crowd.

You watched them talk animatedly about the show with a soft smile and fondness, you were glad they had fun even if you were originally hesitant to come out with them. It had been better than you’d expected and you still felt a little rush of excitement under your skin when you thought about how loud and beautiful the music had been. You’d completely forgotten about falling on the floor or any mishap.

“Are you ready to go then? We don’t want to keep them waiting, they’re probably super tired.” Joonie was turning to smile at you and await your response but her grin faltered when she saw the heavy look of confusion gracing your features. “You didn’t ask her?”

She was moving her head to give an accusatory stare towards the others and Sunoo winced softly at the harshness in her glare. Riki was sighing and scratching the back of his neck before answering. “We figured we’d ask her after she saw them… maybe she’d be more inclined to say yes.”

“Say yes to what?” You were quickly butting in, slightly frustrated that they were talking around you like you weren’t sat right there watching the entire thing.

“The band wanted us to come over to their place after the show.” Heejin was answering hesitantly, watching you with an expectant look like she was already prepared for you to shut them down.

You can’t deny that the thought immediately crossed your mind, beyond used to rejecting hangouts instinctively especially ones that were so small and intimate with people you didn’t know.

Then you were thinking about the way they had performed and how you had felt seeing them have so much fun on the stage, like they never cared about taking up too much space and they certainly weren’t concerned with ever being too loud. You were pausing for a few seconds to think about it even though you already felt like your mind had been made up, meeting your friends waiting stares and giving them a soft nod of approval.

——

You had quickly come to regret your accepting nod on your way to meet up with the boys, packed into a cab with your friends who still vaguely smelled like the inside of the venue and conjoined sweat.

They still seemed excited so you were trying your best to not be a visible mood killer but you were getting more and more anxious the closer you got to where you’d be meeting, not even exactly sure what type of environment you were going into.

It got even worse when the cab was pulling to a stop in front of a house tucked neatly in a lower class suburban area, the dread of having to make small talk in such an intimate setting like one the boys house was making your stomach turn with nausea. You sucked it up and followed behind your friends with held breath, listening as the door opened and they excitedly greeted whoever it was that was behind it.

You eventually filed through and when it was your turn to pass through the doorway, you realized it was Jake who had opened it.

You recognized him from school events like Riki had mentioned before, not attending yours but a few times a year the neighboring schools held community shows and events to bring the area closer together and scout for grants and sponsorships. You distinctly remember Jake sitting on the stage a few years back, looking beyond nervous as he softly strung his acoustic guitar and sang a song that had slipped your memory by now.

It was a striking opposition to what you’d seen him do tonight, both the fact he had been singing so hard his voice was scratching underneath Jungwon’s softer tone and the way he was slamming down on the drums so hard you had been worried he’d break something.

He had a certain buzzing energy to him that helped this make sense, watching him now as he excitedly bounced around your friends like a loose dog as he guided them towards another doorway. You figured he was more full of bottled up excitement over any actual aggressiveness and you continued to silently follow behind them.

You were a bit surprised to be led down to a small finished basement, carefully walking down the carpeted steps and feeling weirdly like you’d been transported back to your own home with how familiar the area looked.

There was a small red light connected to the door with tape and you imagined it was to signal that some sort of recording was going on, a small smile playing up on your face at the irony of the devoted after band having such a simple setup. The smile was immediately slipping off when you were hearing your friends start up rounds of greeting again and you paled with nerves.

“That’s Y/N, she doesn’t talk much.” Riki was quickly saying and you were half grateful he had saved you from awkwardly stuttering out your name and half furious as all sets of eyes turned to look in your direction.

You recognized the lead singer first, looking a lot less intimidating now that he was sitting on the sofa in more comfortable clothes and letting his purple mullet air dry from what you could only assume was a post show shower. You knew his name was Jungwon just from hearing your friends rambles and you filled in the blanks for the rest of the names.

Jay was almost more intimidating off stage than he was on it, losing that playful and excited energy that being in front of a crowd brought and falling into an almost scary silence. If it wasn’t for the gentle way he was picking at an acoustic guitar, a stark difference to the black and shining electric one you’d seen him with on stage.

Your eyes were drifting over to the final person in the room who was busy chatting with Heejin and staring excitedly at her newest tattoos, his hands hovering over her skin but not touching directly like an excited child. Sunoo had told you on the way here that Sunghoon played bass and whilst you weren’t exactly sure what that meant, he seemed the most approachable out of the group.

Minus the member you’d already accidentally approached but he was missing from the current area and you felt a wave of relief rushing through you considering how embarrassed you’d felt seeing him on stage.

You almost fell into autopilot and you listened to the two groups mix and talk casually like they were lifelong friends, an overwhelming feeling of envy sitting in your stomach considering the fact they were so easily able to hold conversation with each other whilst you struggled to even introduce yourself.

Jay had gotten up to put on a record at some point and that made you feel slightly more at ease considering there was no more room for awkward silence, something a lot calmer than what they’d played earlier ringing through the room as they all lounged in different places and started to smoke amongst each other.

Your friends didn’t bother offering any to you considering you had a tendency to say no, not necessarily against smoking or being high but the intimacy of sharing a blunt mixed with the performance anxiety as it was passed around the circle almost on instinct. The other boys must’ve gotten the hint without it needing to be said and they also didn’t try to get you to smoke, leaving you relieved that they weren’t the types to poke fun at you or try to pressure you into it.

It was a lot easier for you to just watch them and get a small contact high, sinking down into your spot on the couch more and relaxing as they started to lose focus and definitely lose the ability to care if you were being awkward.

You were pressed against the side of the sofa even though nobody was sat directly near you, still trying to ensure you were taking up as little space on the furniture as possible in case somebody else wanted to sit or you were simply just in the way. You were grateful you’d developed this habit considering the door to the basement was opening again and you froze up as the light shone in from the top of the stairs.

“Finally, the chosen one has arrived.” Jake was yelling excitedly from somewhere you couldn’t see, laying flat on the carpet behind the round ottoman and you could only barely catch a glimpse of his arms being thrown up in mock praise.

You were staring at the stairs as the boot covered feet started to descend down and you knew who it was before he even reached the point where you could see his upper half, freezing even more at the way his eyes scanned over the unfamiliar faces in the basement before pausing on you.

You awkwardly pulled your sleeves over your hands and glanced back over at Sunoo was sitting in the chair closest to you and the couch, talking to Sunghoon about something you couldn’t quite make it out considering anxiety was fully building up now and you were slightly disoriented from the overstimulation in the room.

Much to your dismay and attempts to stop yourself, your eyes were drifting back over to the boy and you almost groaned when you realized he was still watching you.

Heeseung had, according to Joonie on the way here, been the one to originally start up the band and convince the others to take it as seriously as he did. He was the lead guitarist first and foremost but he dabbled in almost everything, including producing all of their original songs and covers and apparently forfeiting his basement as their studio considering the younger photos of him scattered around the walls.

His baby pink hair was in his face even more now than it had been when you’d saw him smoking outside, littered with random blonde patches that told you he had done it himself, and now you were positive he had multiple piercings throughout his face.

It was only getting worse for you when he was making his way over to the couch and taking the empty middle seat, directly next to you.

You were sat with your feet up on the fabric and hugging your knees close to your chest but you imagined if you’d been sat normally then your thighs would be press against his that had lost the tight ripped jeans and were now sporting some more casual black sweatpants.

“You want this Hee?” Sunghoon was saying from where he was sat on the floor besides Sunoo on the chair.

You glanced over to the boy just in time to see him shake his head in denial and a wave of surprise and relief washed over you, grateful you wouldn’t be the only one not smoking anymore. “You don’t smoke?” Riki was asking and Heeseung seemed to instinctively shake his head no.

Jay snorted out a half laugh half scoff and you watched the pink haired boy shoot him a sharp glare before his eyes were drifting over to you, almost like he was checking your reaction. Your eyebrows were furrowed forward in confusion, wondering why he was lying about smoking, he must’ve forgotten the fact you’d seen him outside with a cigarette only a few hours before.

Everybody fell back into their own individual conversations again and you started to relax finally, listening to the music playing softly in the smoke filled room.

“So did you end up liking it then?” Heeseung’s voice was coming from beside you and you looked over towards him with widened eyes, not expecting him to directly address you.

“W-what?” You were stuttering out and then immediately flushing in embarrassment when a concerned look passed over his intimidating face. He seemed nice enough but your closed mind couldn’t look past the piercings and the eyeliner still staining around his large eyes.

“The show.” He was quickly explaining, looking slightly embarrassed himself that you hadn’t understood what he was talking about. “You didn’t seem too excited when you were outside.”

You froze up in your spot considering he was directly referencing the conversation you’d had outside, in which you had told him begrudgingly and in complaint that you hadn’t been able to get out of going to the show that he was performing at. You didn’t respond for a few seconds and you were grateful that everybody was too stoned to keep up with your awkward conversation.

“It was… you guys were very..” You trailed off when you saw the expectant look on his face and you cleared your throat a bit, eyes darting down to the double piercings going through the thin skin of his lips and then back up to his eyes. “It was cool.”

“Just cool?” His lip was curling softly up into a half smirk at your extremely vague answer, shifting in his place on the couch so he was facing you better and you tried not to be extremely weird about the fact his arm was resting on the back of the sofa now and therefore his hand was dangling on the other side of your shoulders.

“Super cool?” You offered in a squeaky voice, wincing as your shoulders curled in on themselves.

He laughed softly at your answer and you were relieved that he found it somewhat funny and wasn’t totally offended that you didn’t have a string of compliments prepared for him. You did like the show much more than you thought you would and if you were able to get ahold of yourself, you would’ve told him how impressed you were as you watched him play.

But you weren’t that lucky and you knew you’d be stuck giving him half true statements that didn’t actually show how you truly felt about the set, turning your head back to face forward so you didn’t have to look at his face anymore.

You weren’t exactly sure why he had come to talk to you out of everybody in the room, knowing he was obviously a lot closer to his band mates and had even hung out with your male friends a few times from your knowledge in group settings. Joonie had told you that she thought the two of you were a bit similar considering he was also rarely at social events but you highly doubted the comparison considering the way he looked performing in front of an adoring and expectant crowd.

Still, you thought about the way he hung back at the end of the final song instead of interacting with the fans like the other members had and the fact you hadn’t been surprised when he wasn’t present in the basement at first.

“Are you two actually talking to each other or just sitting in weirdo silence?” Your head was picking back up to look over at Heejin who was sitting on the other side of the couch, next to Heeseung but leaning far enough away towards Jake and Jungwon that they didn’t touch at all.

You didn’t need to look at her to know who she was referring to but your stomach dropped a little when you met her gaze and confirmed she was referring to you, the others in the room also looking over considering her statement.

Heejin was in no way mean to you and she was actually your longest friend out of the group, knowing her since middle school which meant she was around to watch your social decline. She made jokes sometimes or pushed you too far out of your comfort zone but you always took it as her way of trying to help you loosen up like she knew you could, always stopping whenever you got visibly too overwhelmed or uncomfortable.

You weren’t sure if it was the presence of people she admired or the buzz of a high settling over her that caused her to make the comment but it clearly crossed a line the two of you had silently established throughout the years, your face dropping at the unwanted attention.

“Heeseung is the master of weirdo silence.” Jake was adding on from the floor again and you could hear him giggling nonsensically, sitting up so you could see his head past the ottoman and frown at him.

“Yeah well I’d rather talk to..” Heeseung was starting harshly before trailing off and glancing over at you with a raised eyebrow. You paused for a few seconds and stared at him in confusion but realizing he was waiting for you to tell him your name, quickly whispering it to him and trying to ignore the small smile he gave you before turning back to look at the others. “I’d rather talk to Y/N than you deadbeats.”

The boys in the room were breaking out into small fits of laughters and instigating choruses of “Oo’s”. Fanning their hands out like they’d been burned and only settling down when Heeseung was rolling his eyes and sinking further into the couch.

Luckily they all seemed to let it go after that even though you were still left with a deeper pit in your stomach because of Heejin’s random dig at both you and Heeseung, roping him in to your anti social behavior and giving his own friends the opportunity to pile on top of it.

You were glancing over at him again from the corner of your eye, hesitantly shifting to try and catch his attention again. His gaze was snapping back to your face when you moved slightly and his eyebrows raised in question again, a lot softer than they had been when he was asking for your name and snapping back at your friends. You watched the way the metal balls surrounding his eyebrow stretched with the movement before licking your dry lips and speaking.

“Thanks.” The word slipped from your lips in a small breath and once again you felt disappointed that it was all you had managed to say, wishing you were able to express your gratitude to him more.

He didn’t seem to mind and his shoulders were lifting in a small shoulder, watching you curiously. “It’s no big deal. I don’t talk much either.”

“Even though you do all… that?” You were asking before you even processed the question falling from your lips and he looked equally surprised as you that you were continuing the conversation without needing prompting.

“Like perform?” His voice was lower now as you started to talk more and you had a feeling he didn’t want the others to listen in and find a way to intervene again. You gave him a soft nod, grateful he had understood your vague wording. “It’s different, I don’t really think of it like that. Sometimes I don’t even feel like I’m there in front of all those people.”

If you’d heard him say that last week or even this morning, you would’ve not fully understood what exactly he was trying to explain to you. Even now you were still a bit confused on what exactly the feeling was like but you immediately understood what he was referring to, remembering the way he was closing his eyes and leaning with the music like he was in his own world.

You must’ve fallen silent for too long as you were thinking about it and what that could possibly be like, how it would feel to live a life with that sort of overwhelming passion, because he was clearing his throat and shifting again.

“It’s like… well what do you do?” He was starting to try and find an analogy, assuming you didn’t understand and you froze up at the direct question.

“What do I do?” You were repeating back to him for clarification and he nodded earnestly, waiting to hear your answer. “I don’t think I really do anything.”

He seemed taken back by that and you were slightly embarrassed that you’d failed to answer his question properly. You’d thought about it before, being at the age where you should have something you were passionate about or a hobby that motivated you in some way.

You never really did much of anything on your own and you’d yet to find anything that gave you that sort of spark he’d be referring to, the type of spark that would cause you to do what you loved even if it meant pushing yourself past your limits or standing on a stage like you were born for it.

“What are you doing this weekend?” He was suddenly rushing out and your eyes widened in surprise again at the fact his voice had come out much louder now, like he’d forced himself to say it. You didn’t say anything for a few seconds and then you were shaking your head to signal that you weren’t doing anything set in stone. “Come to our next show.”

“To your show?” You were repeating in bewilderment and he was nodding his head quickly as he scanned over your face hesitantly, wondering if you were going to reject him. Eventually you were biting the inside of your cheek after contemplating for a while and glancing at him. “O-okay.. yeah sure.”

——

“Y/N, the phone for you.” Your mothers screaming voice was floating up the stairs and you groaned softly into your pillow, laying on your stomach and overthinking the events of the previous weekend like you had been for days.

It was pretty uneventful after your conversation with Heeseung, both falling into a silence or offering small laughs and quick glances as you listened to your friends talk and get to know each other better. He must’ve been telling the truth about not talking much because nobody looked over at him once expectantly although you noticed his band mates keeping an eye on the two of you occasionally.

Eventually you and your friends had left the basement and the pink haired boy had spared you a quick wave through the window as the taxi pulled off.

You’d listened to your friends excitedly talk the entire way back to your neighbors and pry you for details about what you’d been talking about with him, not noticing the bitter expression on your face when you noticed how surprised they seemed that he’d chosen to speak to you.

Now it was Thursday and you were thinking about it all again, replaying it over and over and finding something new to be embarrassed about each time you did. Heeseung was surprisingly soft spoken and slightly awkward considering his appearance but you knew it held no parallel to how terrible you were at socializing.

“Y/N.” Your mom was screaming again and this time you rolled over as you groaned, letting it fill the room before you were getting off your bed and heading down the stairs.

Your mom was standing there with the phone in her hand, watching you with an excited expression and your face was pulling forward in confusion as your steps hesitantly slowed to a stop. “It’s a boy.” She was whispering and pointing at the phone with a wiggle of her eyebrows.

You were snatching the phone away from her and walking around the corner into the hallways, stretching the chord as far as it could possibly go and waving a dismissive hand at your mom when she was poking her around the corner in curiosity.

“Hello?” You were breathing into the phone and it was a heavy silence for a few seconds before you could hear somebody clearing their throat on the other side.

“Hey Y/N, it’s Heeseung.” He was announcing and you froze up at the sound of his soft voice coming through your speaker, clutching the phone tighter in your hand and shifting it against your ear. “Um.. like the guitar guy.”

You were laughing softly at the fact he felt the need to specify, most likely growing nervous from your extended silence. “I know who you are Heeseung.”

“Cool… yeah cool.” He was breathing back and letting out his own nervous laugh, a small smile building on your face at how awkward he seemed now. You liked how different he was in each setting, confident and sensual on stage and casual and calm when surrounded by his friends in a familiar area. Now you were seeing what he was like on his own, mirroring a personality similar to yours.

“D-did you need something?” You tried to keep your tone light so he didn’t think you were bothered by the fact he had called despite your confusion over how he’d gotten your number or what exactly he wanted.

Your heart was racing slightly as you listened to him inhale over the phone, feeling a bit ridiculous over your own reactions but you couldn’t help but think about his soft pink hair and the piercings your mom would definitely disapprove of. She glared at Heejin’s bare skin every time she came over during the summer so you couldn’t imagine her reaction to seeing Heeseung’s group of friends.

“I was just calling to make sure you were still going to the show and Sunghoon said I should tell you to bring your friends.” He was explaining in a low tone and you could hear shushing in the background, your smile widening at the realization he was around some of his friends. “I’m pretty sure he’s just trying to convince Heejin to give him a tattoo but it would be safer anyways with more people.”

“Alright, yeah we’ll be there.” You were telling him back swiftly and you surprised yourself by how naturally it came out of your mouth, no stutter or hesitation.

“Cool.” You could almost hear the smile in his voice as he said the word again, almost repeating it like he did the first time but seemingly catching himself before he did. “I’ll see you there then?”

“Yeah… yeah you will.”

——

“So he like directly invited you.” Riki was asking for the sixth time that night and you sighed softly when he was bumping his elbow into your arm with a smile on his face, clearly excited about the recent development in your life.

“Is it that surprising?” Your tone was stiff along with your posture, somehow once again finding yourself in a cold line outside of a random concert venue downtown.

“Not at all Y/N.” Sunoo was quickly interjecting once he realized you were taking offense to their over excitement, offering him a small tired smile due to his habit of trying to make you feel better. “We are just happy for you.”

You were about to remind him that there was no reason to be happy or excited and that you and Heeseung had just gotten along, nothing else, but you were interrupted by the staff who was checking tickets approaching your group. You watched as he took a look at Riki’s and then his school ID, promptly marking his hand with a solid black X before he was turning towards you expectantly.

He was looking at your ID with a bored expression but before he was able to hand it back to you and give you a similar marking, he paused and did a double take as he looked at the words. “Y/N? You’re on the list.”

“The list?” Your voice was soft in confusion and buried under the sound of your friends excited squeals and laughters, feeling Joonie’s hands come up to squeeze your shoulders and shake you softly.

You weren’t understanding what was happening until you were being moved forward, hearing Heejin clarify that you all were allowed early entry before she was smiling brightly and practically caring you with the rest of them as you entered the venue ahead of everybody else. You felt a flush come up to your cheeks when you realized that Heeseung had clearly mentioned you to the staff of the building and that’s why you were currently skipping the line and heading towards the back of the venue.

It was a different place than last time, bigger and seemingly more concert specific in comparison to the bar you were at last time.

The staff member was leading you down a hallway until you were stopped in front of a door with chipping paint, a piece of paper stuck to it with tape and the bands name in big sharpie letters. You smiled softly at their names all scribbled around the bold font, knowing they must’ve stuck it outside themselves as a mock dressing room.

You felt a wave of anxiety rush up with the employee was knocking on the door twice before turning to head back outside and control the growing crowd but you didn’t have any time to panic before it was being thrown open.

“You came.” Heeseung’s eyes were wide as he looked down at you in surprise and you were parting your lips to answer him before your friends were impatiently pushing into the room, practically shoving you forward into him.

He helped steady you when you made a small noise of surprise and you were glancing up at him in embarrassment, face undoubtedly red considering he was holding onto your arms even once your feet were flat on the ground. “You look…”

You felt overwhelming self conscious when his gaze was dropping down, scanning over your outfit and body before meeting your eyes again. You’d mistakenly let Heejin and Joonie dress you after they practically spent two hours begging, remembering how awkward you felt being improperly dressed last time.

It felt even worse to be in clothes you weren’t at all used to or comfortable with and you couldn’t tell what Heeseung was thinking just based off his expression.

“It looks really good.” He was breathing out finally and you felt a wave of relief at his statement, and then self judgment for caring what he thought in the first place. “Are you sure you’ll be comfortable though? I have a sweater you can wear.”

You froze up slightly as he continued to speak to you in a calm voice, somehow sensing your anxiety over the outfit despite only speaking to you a few times. You were half flattered that he cared enough to lend you some clothes and half humiliated that he could tell you didn’t normally wear things like this.

He must’ve seen outfits like this on hundreds of girls every time he had a show, knowing half the crowd would be dressed similarly to you but wearing it with a confidence and aura that you severely lacked. You didn’t have an overwhelming presence like Heejin or an alluring personality like Joonie and you’d always felt bland in comparison.

You were awkwardly glancing around the makeshift dressing room and pleased to see your friends and the band engaging in their own excited conversations and not paying you any mind.

Then your gaze was landing on one of the mirrors across the room and you were freezing up when you caught sight of you and Heeseung, still standing closer than you’d thought you were with his hands touching your arms. You almost didn’t recognize yourself for a second and despite how awful the clothes felt against your skin, you couldn’t deny that you looked good standing next to him and his similar aesthetic.

“I’ll be alright.” You were turning back to him to answer his question definitively and you tried to hold eye contact with him for a second, easier considering his hair was falling into his face again.

He was wearing eyeliner like he had been the first time you’d seen him outside the venue but it was a lot bolder and messier this time, making his eyes even bigger than they already were but completely changing his energy and appearance in comparison to the version of him you’d seen in his basement.

“Are you nervous?” You weren’t sure why that was the next thing you said to him but his eyes lit up when you whispered the question, staring up at him with wide eyes and saying it so softly he almost didn’t catch it underneath the loud crowd in the distance and your friends behind him.

“I’m excited.” He was responding back and you knew he meant it, no sign of apprehension or hesitation on his face.

You’d never seen somebody look as intense as Heeseung did when he talked about performing, his entire demeanor changing from the awkward boy who you’d been speaking to, almost seeming unsure of himself after every sentence. He didn’t even seem to think at all when he spoke about music or being on stage and you watched him curiously as he rambled on about how it felt to be up there.

You figured he probably knew you wouldn’t ever be able to understand what he was talking about unless you did it yourself but you still felt giddy that he wanted to explain it to you.

He talked about it until another team member was poking his head in to let the boys know that soundcheck was about to start and then the doors would open, also being you and your friends queue to go and get spots in the front row.

“I’ll see you out there then?” He was smiling down at you and giving a gentle squeeze to your arm that he was still holding, your own breaking out on your face despite trying to withhold and you gave him a small nod of approval before he was disappearing out the door after the others.

Your friends were obviously excited for having caught the end of your interaction and although you rolled your eyes as they begun to tease you, you couldn’t rid yourself of the bright grin you were catching between your lips and you started to head back out into the hallway and towards where the crowd would be standing.

You felt okay for now but you were starting to get more and more anxious at the realization that soon the mass of people would surge inside towards you and you’d be stuck in your place against the barricade, white knuckling it as you contemplated heading to the back of the venue and watching from there instead so you wouldn’t embarrass yourself by having a panic attack right in front of the band.

“You know..” Heejin was leaning in against your side to whisper into your ear and you felt her hand squeezing your side affectionately. “Jake said that Heeseung’s never invited anybody to a show before.”

She was pulling away just in time to see your eyes widen in surprise, followed by your face flushing a bright red at the knowing look she was giving you. “Not even his family?”

You knew that the bands music wouldn’t necessarily be everybody’s personal taste, especially those of an older generation, but you couldn’t help but feel slightly confused that he wouldn’t ever ask anybody to come watch him perform. He was clearly proud of what he had created and more passionate than anyone you’d met before.

“It’s just him and his dad I guess.” She was shrugging softly and glancing up at the stage as she spoke. “Apparently he’s a huge hard ass about him doing music.”

Your face was falling into a small frown at what she was saying but you didn’t have a chance to respond before the lights were shutting off and immediately being replaced by the same red ones the other venue had put on for their set, hearing the sounds of the doors opening and feet swiftly approaching the stage.

Anxiety was immediately building up as you were getting more and more constricted in the crowd but you felt slightly better knowing your friends were around you, feeling Riki not so subtly shift his position so he was stood behind you and you weren’t going to be subject to any stranger pressing into your body.

You were going to turn and give him a grateful smile but you were cut off by the sounds of the crowd screaming louder than you’d ever heard, confused on what was causing it before you realized the boys were already coming out onto the stage.

They were only silhouettes at first without the spotlights turned on but you could tell it was Sunghoon who had ended up directly in front of you, glancing across the stage to see Heeseung on the other side beside Jungwon again like he had been the other weekend.

Then the lights were coming on, soft enough to keep the red glow but illuminating each member and their instruments. You smiled widely and couldn’t help the scream that leapt from your throat, joining in with your friends and the rest of the crowd as excitement started to fill you. You’d never been in a setting like this before and you were quickly understanding why it was so addicting.

You were already watching Heeseung from the moment he stepped on stage so you definitely didn’t miss the way his eyes were scanning the front section of the crowd, only settling once they passed by you before quickly backtracking as a smile curled up on his lips.

Jungwon was starting to speak into the mic and introduce them like you’d heard him do last week but you were preoccupied, watching the pink haired boy and giving him a small nod of acknowledgment with a soft smile.

Then the show was starting and you quickly realized that what you had seen last time was nothing in comparison to actually being in the crowd, an energy taking over you that you didn’t even know you possessed. You were dancing along with Heejin and gripping Sunoo’s arm in excitement as he screamed and sang along, all the while keeping your eyes on Heeseung.

He was almost like a completely different person on stage, more than just his energy considering the fact even his gaze was new to you. He was a lot more intimidating when he was staring down at you with hooded eyes, the eyeliner more smudge now and thankfully distracting you from the skillful way his fingers moved along the guitar strings.

It was hard not to think about him to the level you’d been trying to deny when he was looking at you for almost the entirety of the show, seemingly checking on you when the crowd got particularly wild and at other times almost looking smug because of how transfixed you seemed. His lip would curl into a cocky smirk that you didn’t even think he could manage and you’d feel your heart thump alive in a way it never had before.

You spent the next few months following this exact routine with him.

Every week, in the middle of it or sometimes as early as the day after a show, he’d call your house and your mom would yell your name up the stairs. He’d softly invite you to the next show and you’d excitedly tell him that you’d be there, despite knowing he already knew the answer and you knowing he just liked to hear you say it.

Sometimes you’d take your friends with you but eventually you got comfortable enough to go by yourself, you’d be let in early with a small smile to the bouncers and you’d always ask him the same question before he got on stage.

“Are you nervous?” You’d say for the dozenth time even though you knew by now that he wasn’t but every single time his eyes would light up with that fire and passion that you’d been so sucked in by and he’d always repeat the same words back in the same tone.

“I’m excited.”

Heeseung liked it best when you came to his shows so you did it every weekend you were free, even when you’d get too overwhelmed and have to sit in the dressing room or behind the stage if it was available, he just liked knowing you were there to see him and he expressed it to you every single time.

You got closer over that time outside of watching him play too, taking longer to get over that awkwardness you both carried outside of the venues when the adrenaline died down but eventually you’d stopped hanging out solely within your respective groups and started to spend some time alone together.

He’d pick you up in his shitty run down car and your mom would glare at him from the living room window, watching his hair go from pink to blue then to a red that had taken you back a few steps with its brightness when you’d first seen it.

“That’s.. a strong choice.” You’d said after you buckled your seatbelt and you were reaching forward to run your hand through it before you even had a second to think about it.

“My dad hates the color red.” Was all he had responded with and you watched the side of his face as he smiled softly and put the car into drive.

Heeseung wasn’t the most stable person to be around at times but you eventually realized that you’d never felt as comfortable taking up space as you did when you were with him, an addicting feeling that you almost had no choice but to lean forward into and you were thankful that he was always around to catch you.

You’d sit in the basement with the boys as they practiced new songs and Jake had even attempted to teach you to play some songs on the guitar, going to him for help because it felt less intimidating than asking one of the actual guitar players.

It was somehow easy to mesh into their routines and hobbies despite how different you were than them and your most fun high school memories all featured your old friends and new ones hanging out together, all packed into booths at late night diners after a particularly good show or getting makeshift tattoos from Heejin in the familiar basement that you’d spent most of the year in by the time graduation rolled around.

Heeseung was a year older than you and already graduated before you’d met him but he’d made sure to attend and watch you and your friends walk, minus Riki who still had a year left.

You’d all rushed out of the ceremony hall and squished in his car so you could drive across town and watch the rest of his friends at their own school, cheering for them all in your different colored graduation gowns and ignoring the embarrassed look on Jungwon’s face when he gave his class president speech at the beginning.

There were a lot of highs but it all came with lows too and those took you longer to adjust to.

You weren’t exactly sure how to handle it when Heeseung would show up at your house late at night, sometimes bleeding from various places on his face or panting like he’d run all the way there. You’d quickly pull him inside and ignore your moms questioning shout asking who was at the door.

Eventually you had sat her down after dinner and told her that sometimes Heeseung had issues with his dad and he didn’t have anywhere else to go, which was a slight lie on your part but you knew it felt true to him considering he never considered any other options before heading in your direction even if it was across town and a lot less welcoming than one of his friends houses.

She never was a big fan of him, of any of your friends but especially him, despite the gentle way he always said hello to her upon entry and his countless attempts to get on her good side. You’d tried to explain to him that it wasn’t anything personal or anything he was doing wrong and it was just how your mother was but he seemed particularly upset about it despite normally not caring what people thought of him.

“It’s your mom, it’s different.” He was stressing his words to emphasize that it was because she was related to you that it mattered to him and you were furrowing your eyebrows and turning to look at him.

You were sat on your bed together, two months before it happened, and sharing a pair of headphones that was playing a scratchy demo of a song he’d been working on. You were popping the tape out of the device so it would stop abruptly as you sat up a little bit to be able to see his face better.

“Why do you say stuff like that?” You were asking him and he sighed softly like he always did when you begun to pry for answers regarding his behavior towards you.

Despite the way you felt around him and the fact you’d practically become inseparable in the summer following graduation, you’d never directly talked about what your relationship was or even crossed a line that would definitely give you an unspoken answer. Outside of some longing glances and hands resting a little too low on your back, you’d remained pretty platonic other than your own inner thoughts and emotions.

“Don’t know.” He was mumbling softly as he looked at you and you squinted your eyes at him in disbelief but eventually you sighed and shifted back so you were resting against your headboard again, shoulder pressed into his tightly.

When it finally happened, you pretty much assumed that your life was going to abruptly end.

The boys had been growing in popularity now that they were out of school and able to do music full time, still underaged but building enough connections with the local music scene and venues to be able to play more frequently and to older and grittier crowds.

Mixed with the rise of the internet and MTV music videos filled with long haired rockstars and half naked women, it didn’t take long for their talents to get noticed by a few different people who swore they were from the next big company and could guarantee to make Echoes of Riot each millionaires respectfully, offers that were all swiftly turned down by Heeseung (with the advice of Sunoo who had begun to fill a management like role within the group).

You’d never paid much mind to what stardom would mean for the boys despite believing to the deepest part of your heart that they deserved it and were more talented than most the people you heard over the radio. For some reason, some childish idiotic reason, you figured they’d spend the rest of your lives being teenagers playing in bars around your small hometown.

Then one night after a particularly long show, all the boys panting and sweaty as they headed back to their dressing rooms, a man had approached them similarly to the way others did almost nightly.

You knew right away that something was different this time and your friends did too, watching silently as the group stopped in their steps towards the back rooms and actually begun to pay attention to what the man was saying. Heeseung’s eyes were flickering up to yours and you raised your eyebrows at him from where you sat at the bar, shifting out of your seat when he beckoned you closer with a quick flick of his fingers.

The rest of your friends followed you and all of you made your way back to the rooms with the band and the man.

He didn’t seem at all bothered by the additional people in the room as he started to repeat his pitch behind closed doors and your heart started to clench nervously when you realized why he seemed so different.

Min Yoongi actually cared about the music quality and spreading a proper message through your work and performances, opening his monologue with descriptions of how he felt hearing and watching the videos Riki had been posting online of the group and you watched as his eyes twinkled with a passion you’d only ever seen before from the boy sitting next to you.

His hand was resting on your arm and draping over your shoulder on the couch but he couldn’t have been further away from you in that moment, holding onto every word Yoongi was saying and leaning forward occasionally to enthusiastically agree with something he was saying.

It was a jarring change after seeing him barely give the other music people a second of his time for the last few months but you understood that they had this connection you simply weren’t capable of understanding, a mutual trust built through having the same dream and passion and by the end of the first meeting, even without anything even halfway confirmed, you knew things were going to change from then on out.

Yoongi didn’t have a lot of money to invest into the boys but he was dedicated to promoting them and helping them with levels of production you’d only get with decades of experience, upping their discography to even higher levels and it wasn’t long before he was proving himself right.

“Tour?” Your voice was breaking around the word Heeseung had just said, continuing his sentence afterwards but you hadn’t heard a thing he’d said after that, your ears ringing as your face paled. “You’re leaving?”

He was faltering at the unexpected upset in your voice and you would’ve felt guilty for not matching his level of enthusiasm but you couldn’t help the wave of panic overwhelming you as you continued to try and process what he was saying.

“Hey, hey Y/N listen to me.” His voice was soft and you could feel his hand reaching forward to touch and cup your cheek, softly swiping his thumb over your smooth hot skin and shifting on the bed so he was closer to you. “It would only be for a few months, then I’d be coming back. We’d all be coming back.”

You’d somehow not processed the fact that going on tour meant the other boys would be also leaving with him and another wave of sickness swept over you at the realization you’d be losing most of your friends in one swoop, the most constant and positive thing in your entire life since you’d met them.

“I don’t want to leave, baby you know I’d never just leave.” He was quickly continuing when he realized he’d made it worse and your eyes shot up to him at the use of the pet name falling from his lips so casually despite never hearing it directed towards you before. He didn’t even seem to notice that he had said it and he was continuing on despite the surprise on your face. “But… I mean this is it.”

His words were vague but you knew exactly what they meant.

This was the end of the road for the life you’d been so happily living because despite how content and happy you were watching them play small and intimate shows, Heeseung had this hunger for more that would never be satisfied in a place like your hometown.

He didn’t mean to break your heart of course and you were definitely at fault for stupidly falling in love with a rockstar, falling victim to the oldest cliche in the book as you sat at the bus station and cried into Joonie’s shoulder. You watched as their tour bus got further and further out of sight before it was turning a corner and disappearing with all of them on it.

Things were the roughest they’d ever been for the first few months the boys were gone.

Your typical routine had been shattered and you were back to existing like a corpse, moving around from one task to the next with no real excitement or purpose. You’d never necessarily gained one but being around somebody as passionate and driven as Heeseung was like getting a secondhand high and you’d been riding the wave of his interest for the last year, now alone out at sea and stuck scrubbing the counters of a coffee shop in the small downtown area of your city.

You tried to write for the first month or two but eventually it got too hard for you to handle and you started to let Heeseung’s letters pile up. He’d still call your home phone but your mom stopped letting you know when he did and sometimes you’d hear her softly telling him that you weren’t feeling good and she’d have you call back later. She never brought it up and neither did you.

He’d call Heejin and Riki too and sometimes you’d hear his voice when you were talking to Sunoo on the phone. He’d went with them on tour after Yoongi had asked him to be their official team manager, giving him more time to handle the business side of things while Sunoo dealt with their personal schedules and issues. You’d listen to your friend lie and say he was talking to his sister and you’d thank him softly as he sighed and asked why you couldn’t just talk to your shared friend.

You didn’t know how to explain that Heeseung was something you needed to get clean from and hearing from him in small doses would make it ten times harder for you to function.

It was too much to say that his letters kept you awake all night crying as you read about how much he missed you followed by random sketches and song lyrics he was writing about you. They wouldn’t understand why you dropped a full plate of food the first time you heard them on the radio at work or why you stayed up all night to see their first actual interview on TV.

Eventually people stopped mentioning the band to you or at least spoke like the main guitarist and face of the group didn’t exist. It was easy enough to avoid for the first six months and then the articles started to roll out.

The boys hadn’t come home after their first tour and they were “temporarily” staying out in New York where there was more of a network and better opportunities. Part of you was grateful Heeseung hadn’t moved back to town, knowing you’d run into him eventually but you couldn’t stop thinking about him regardless considering the news being put out with his name on the headlines.

“That’s his third fight this week Sunoo.” You were spitting over the phone, balancing it between your shoulder and ear as you aggressively scrubbed at a dish that’d already been clean for the past few minutes. “Aren’t you supposed to be keeping them in check?”

“You don’t think I’m trying Y/N?” His voice was exhausted and desperate and you felt bad immediately for snapping at him, knowing your real anger didn’t result from him. “I have no idea what to do, I’ve never seen him like this.”

All the boys had been subject to some controversy as they continued to gain quick fame and admirers but like always, your brain was laser focused on Heeseung. He was getting into drunken fights routinely and being reported with multiple women who may or may not be fans who like to kiss and tell, photos of him and the other boys looking worse and worse each passing weekend as their rockstar lifestyle truly blossomed into an absolute disaster.

Eventually you started to find yourself ignoring the news again, becoming accustomed to it and already knowing what it was going to be every time Riki sighed entering your job and slid a magazine in your direction.

Three years passed like this and while you had stopped crying every night from how much you missed Heeseung and your other friends, if you could even consider them that considering the lack of communication over the years, you still felt that empty feeling in your skin as you robotically went about your routines and lifeless activities that didn’t hold any real purpose or grand result.

At the end of the third year, stretching into a point where you’d been away from Heeseung longer than you were ever with him, Heejin had told you that the band was back in town.

She’d called you and hesitantly let you know that she had run into Jay at the local grocery store a few hours ago, citing that she hadn’t thought much about it until she was back at her tattoo shop and thinking about you possibly running into one of the boys for as long as they stuck around this time. You’d thanked her for the heads up and then buried your head into your arms in upset, both at how little distance was between you and Heeseung and also regarding the fact Sunoo hadn’t even bothered to tell you they were around.

Half of you expected it, knowing you weren’t teenagers anymore standing in a cold concert line and he didn’t owe you any update on his whereabouts, clearly not telling Heejin either considering her shock upon seeing a familiar face.

Joonie however seemed to know all about it when you hesitatingly mentioned it over lunch with her and Riki after he’d asked you why you seemed so on edge. “Well it’s been on their tour show list for like four months.”

“And you didn’t think to tell anyone?” Riki was voicing your thoughts before you could and his face was curled up in annoyance and betrayal as he shoved a fry into his mouth, clearly just as caught off guard as you and hurt considering he’d also gotten close to the members before they’d left and he was friends with Sunoo for as long as you.

“You always tell me not to talk about them in front of Y/N.” She was whining out and you glanced at the younger boy who looked slightly sheepish as she said something he clearly meant to keep private.

She wasn’t necessarily wrong and you’d grown to realize being around her was going to be hard considering how big of a fan she remained of the band even after their decline into scandal, simultaneously acting like any other fan girl and somehow also constantly bragging to others about how she knew them personally before they’d blown up. Maybe she had mentioned their return at some point but it’d been years since you started to tune her out.

“So they’re not staying?” You were finally speaking again, your voice weak and curious and she gave you a knowing look before nodding and patting your hand.

You weren’t sure why you felt overwhelmingly disappointed that they’d eventually leave again despite the fact you planned to spend the entire time they were here avoiding them and hiding out in your apartment. It was probably for the same reason she was giving you a pity filled look and Riki was picking at the skin around his nails.

It only took a few days for Joonie to push the limit on how much of her interest in the band you could take, answering her late night call to hear her hysterical as she screamed over the sound of passing cars and told you she’d completely stalled on the highway and was going to miss the show.

You told yourself that you began immediately putting on your shoes and grabbing your keys because you were a good friend and you kept repeating it in your head the entire drive to her location, swearing over and over that it had nothing to do with putting yourself closer to Heeseung. Even after her and her two friends had gotten in your car with his face on their tshirts, you swallowed your tongue and promised your heart it wasn’t for any other reason.

It wasn’t because you wanted to see the thousands of fans outside the arena, the show being on the nicer side of town and twenty minutes away from the venues they used to hold small performances for.

They thanked you continuously as you parked and then Joonie was pulling you aside to guilty whisper that you’d need to get your parking validate to be able to leave and return to pick them back up. A wave of nausea rolled over you but you were still convincing yourself you didn’t care so you swallowed your sickness and gave her a tight smile before following them outside the car.

“The booths over there.” She was telling you once you’d gotten inside and she had a wide smile on her face that matched her friends, clutching her ticket and practically beaming with excitement. “So we’ll see you at 11:30?”

“Mhm.” You didn’t trust your voice enough to speak and not give away how you were feeling so you hummed out a response to her question you barely processed before watching them squeal and walk towards the actual check in and entrance.

You rubbed your fingers together anxiously before glancing to your right and sighing seeing the line of people waiting to get their parking validated, teenage girls who looked like they barely could drive mixed in with dads and boyfriends who looked just as exhausted and irritated as you were starting to feel.

For a second you considered just leaving the girls there and asking Heejin or Riki to pick them up afterwards so you could drink yourself delirious and forget you’d ever been this close to the band but your heart clenched thinking about them having to experience the same thing and you told yourself again that you were trying to be a good friend.

You’d been standing in the line for twenty minutes, holding onto your last strand of patience and curiously listening to the fans around you talking about the boys with so much awe and wonderment.

You couldn’t help but smile at some things, hearing them gush about Jungwon’s cheeks or rave about how sexy Sunghoon’s newest guitar was and you felt a bit stupid for the pride filling your chest. You’d been avoiding them and their music, never listening to anything they’d put out in recent years but you felt happy for them knowing they were still igniting that same excitement in people even if they seemed to have lost the passion themselves.

It was almost exactly twenty one minutes later when you were feeling something tap against your shoulder, whipping your head to the side to see who had bumped into you before freezing up completely.

He had a mask on and a hat almost covering his eyes but you knew immediately who it was, eyes widening as you looked at him and then glanced around your surroundings to see if anybody had recognized him too.

“The fans don’t pay much attention to anyone without an instrument.” Sunoo was saying and you could hear him smiling even if you couldn’t see most of his face, breathing out a sigh of relief and pulling him in for a hug before you had a second to think about it.

He accepted it immediately and you were grateful that he wasn’t being distant with you despite the fact that was all you’d shown each other in recent years, melting into your hold as your eyes pricked with tears considering how much taller and thinner he was now. Sometimes when you thought of the boys, they were frozen in time and still teenagers in your head and you felt a bit dizzy as the illusion broke right in front of you.

“How’d you know I was here?” You were whispering out into his chest and then pulling back to stare up at him in amazement, scanning over his covered face.

“Sunghoon saw the hundreds of messages Joonie had sent… she actually had the guts to ask him to pick her up after her car stalled.” He was explaining and you felt embarrassed for your friend even though Sunoo was laughing like it was something funny. You got annoyed with her behavior but she was still your friend and you almost felt offended for her knowing they’d all been laughing at her attempts to reach out, no matter how baseless her connection with them seemed on their side. “We figured that you would’ve been the one to answer her calls.”

“We?” You were asking the second the word fell from his lips and a flash of regret passed over his face. “Do they all know I’m here?”

“Except for him.” He was explaining and you felt his hand squeezing your arm to try and calm you down, a flash of familiarity running through you at the feeling despite slowly recognizing the boy in front of you less and less. “But I imagine one of them is going to slip up sooner or later.”

You were nodding in understanding but your heart started to thump with anxiety and you were grateful that the arena was so full, hoping Heeseung wasn’t dumb enough to run out into a waiting room of fans to try and see you.

“I have to go.” You were practically forcing the words out and your face was pulling into a grimace as you said them, feeling short of breath and dizzy as your past and present finally started to collide despite your years of effort. “Can you…”

You were gesturing towards the parking validation ticket in your hand and he glanced down at it before looking back at your panicked eyes and nodding softly, squeezing your arm one more time before he was taking it and giving you the go ahead to get out of the arena before your chest exploded.

You didn’t know exactly what to say to him, you weren’t sure if this was a see you later or another long term goodbye and he seemed to be thinking the same thing, nodding again when you smiled sadly at him and took a few steps backwards.

Nearly losing your footing as you turned around, you were dizzyingly making your way out of the arenas main center and pushing back out into the chilled air. Your lungs tried to suck in deep breaths and you hurriedly made your way back to the parking garage but you were failing miserably and you eventually gave up all together, pausing in your quick strides and resting again the building with your eyes shut tight.

It wasn’t at all quiet, fans still gathered outside before the show and traffic beeps and honks as people tried to get in and out of the busy area, but your head felt empty and shut down.

The sound of footsteps approaching you crept into your dizzy brain and you took a deep breath before looking up, somehow already knowing who it was going to be without so much as a glance. He was stopping a few feet away from you when you looked up and your legs felt weaker as you stared at him in silence.

He was wearing a mask and a hat like Sunoo and whilst you’d been disappointed earlier about not being able to see your old friends face, now you were extremely grateful for the coverage. It didn’t help much considering you could still see the most recognizable part of him, his big eyes blinking at you in shock.

“You don’t look that surprised.” Heeseung’s voice was shockingly similar to how it was last time you’d heard it in person, the tone only slightly deeper and the only major change being the lifelessness behind his words as he watched you stand up straight.

He was right, for some reason you weren’t at all shocked to see him in front of you but he was in the same spot as you considering he came to find you in the first place. “Should I be? You’re here aren’t you?”

You heard him scoff softly before he was turning his head to look around the area, handful of fans still wandering around but slowly starting to disperse as they made their way insides to find their seats and buy the merch. He was glancing back at you quickly and then he was reaching up to take his mask off.

He didn’t say anything for a while after he took it off and you just stared at him, scanning over his face and the difference that time had handed to him. His features were a lot sharper now, growing into his nose and ears perfectly and you once again were hit with the reality that you’d been apart for a long time and the boy you knew was long gone.

“Sunoo validated your ticket.” He was starting to speak suddenly, awkwardness seeping into his tone due to your prolonged silent stare and you watched him dig into his pocket to retrieve the crumbled up piece of paper the parking machine had given you. “He got busy so I just brought it out.”

“He got busy?” You questioned and took a step forward away from the building, taking it from him swiftly and wincing when your finger brushed against his. “You’re the one in the band.”

He didn’t say anything to that, clearly lying about why he had been the one to bring the ticket out but making no move to correct himself or attempt to be honest with you. You didn’t really mind considering you were in a similar boat, having no real reason to rest again the building like you had other than buying yourself more time in the area.

“You’re not staying?” He was asking and his voice broke slightly which caused a large frown to form on your face, not sure why he had to even ask considering you both knew you weren’t going to watch his show.

“I’ll be back after to..” You awkwardly trailed off and lifted your hand that was clutching the parking ticket, indicating the reason you were there and watching him carefully. “Are you nervous?”

He tensed up as the familiar words fell from your lips and you felt like the air stopped moving for a second before he answered. He’d heard it asked thousands of times since it last was in your voice in that specific tone but it never bothered him before after the first year.

It was asked genuinely by other people, actually wondering if he was feeling nervous or at times doubting his abilities and using it as a way to get under his skin. Nobody ever made the simple question feel as important as you did and he understood why now that he was older and had plenty of time to think about it. You asked him, not because you thought he was or you figured he wouldn’t be able to handle the stage and the pressure, but because you knew it ignited a fire in him.

You’d ask him just to hear him repeat back in a firm voice how excited he was, to see that passion flare up in his eyes and give him an opportunity to voice some solid self confidence before he got up there to perform.

You knew right away that the phrase brought him back as far in time as it did you but your stomach turned at the blank look on his face, nothing arising to the surface at the triggered memory and instead he almost looked like he was deflating as you stood there.

“I’m just… tired.” He was eventually muttering back and clearing his throat before anxiously scratching at the back of his neck, both of you knowing the weight of his unusual answer and preparing to cripple under it once you were out of the suffocating hold his gaze had on you.

The both of you stood there for a few seconds longer before you could hear the screaming getting louder from inside, his head turning towards the building before looking back at you with a defeated expression. You knew without him saying it that he needed to go and that same feeling you had with Sunoo started to creep up again, not knowing what type of goodbye this was.

“There’s a second show tomorrow.” He was rushing out and then chewing on his lip ring as he avoided your questioning gaze. “You’ll be on the list.”

He glanced at you one more time but he seemed to understand that you weren’t going to give him a definite response, nodding his head in conclusion before he was turning around and jogging back towards the side entrance of the arena.

All the air returned to your lungs once he was finally out of sight and then immediately left again once you broke into a heavy sob, stumbling back a bit before quickly gathering your emotions and trying your best to hold yourself together.

You were quickly wiping your tears and glancing around to make sure nobody had been a witness to your abrupt meltdown, reminding yourself why you were there in the first place and heading back to your car like your world hadn’t just been taken off pause.

——

It had only taken you two seconds after the invitation fell from Heeseung’s lips to decide that you were going to go to the show.

He had said it like it was a question but the look in his eye told you that he didn’t think you’d come, but he still had invited you and that stupid part of you felt like that had to mean something. You’d had Riki pick the girls up from the concert that night and you ignored Joonie’s calls and the countless uploads she’d had from the concert.

You didn’t need to see the boys performing like nothing had happened, like your entire life hadn’t been flipped outside down with just a few sentences from the boy you’d tried your hardest to forget about the past few years.

It was a bit hypocritical considering you were currently back at the same exact place you were running from yesterday, this time walking in the opposite direction of the parking validation booth and awkwardly approaching the ticketing line. You felt like an idiot telling the staff that you were on the list, seeing their annoyed expressions and knowing they must hear it a dozen times a night from fan girls trying to get backstage.

“Nice try but there’s only ever been one name on the list and trust me, that seats never been taken.” The man was talking to you in a bored tone and your heart clenched at the implication of what he was saying.

You wondered if it was something Heeseung had done at the beginning of the tour in case you decided to come to one of the shows but he knew you well enough to know you never would and you certainly would never stride in the place without a ticket expecting to be on the list.

Eventually you figured that he had put you on there with the hopes that one day he’d have the guts to invite you and your heart shattered a bit more thinking about the fact that he never did, never even attempting as far as you were concerned and aware of. You cleared your throat awkwardly and rummaged in your bag to pull out your ID and hand it to the man silently.

His eyes flickered down to it for a second before looking back up at your face and you saw a wave of shock come over him, immediately followed by embarrassment for doubting you in the first place.

You gave him an awkward half smile and then an appreciative nod when he was stepping aside and allowing you to enter the main performance area. You were pausing at the top of the entrance way, eyes scanning over the large arena and feeling a bit sick considering how many seats were there and how few of them were empty.

You were starting to regret showing up and preparing to turn around and head back out before the show started but you were snapped out of your panic when your phone was ringing in your pocket. You were snatching it out in hopes that it was one of your friends trying to calm you down but your eyebrows furrowed when you saw it was an unknown number.

Finger hovering over the decline button, you had half the mind to consider the fact it might be Heeseung and you were answering it and putting it to your ear before you had a second to think about it.

“You actually came.” You immediately tensed up when the voice was filtering through the speaker, different and raspier but you knew who it was from the first word.

“How do you know I’m here?” You were dumbly asking and glancing around you like he was going to be standing in the shadows somewhere, frowning slightly when he laughed into the phone.

“He told them to alert him immediately if you ever showed up.” Jake was saying as an explanation and halfway confirming your suspicions about how long you’d been kept on the list despite never coming or reaching out to them. “And you’re finally here.”

“I’m not staying.” You were saying quickly and a rough edge seeped into your voice, something you hadn’t had last time he knew you but he also hadn’t been so cocky and demeaning last time you spoke to him so you were equal in that sense.

He was sighing softly and you paused at the sound, not expecting him to sound so defeated. You’d spoken to Jake more than the others over the years, only a few times but he had come home once or twice to visit family and it was hard to avoid him considering he actively was seeking you and the others out each time.

You weren’t really sure why he kept coming around and eventually you realized that he didn’t seem to know why either, looking more and more lost and less like himself every time you saw him. Jake was always so carefree and happy to be around that time you’d all spent together, genuinely seeming like he felt lucky for all of you and the music they were making together.

This new version of him was the most jarring to you out of everybody else because he had gotten sad and then he had gotten very very cold, almost angry every time you saw him and always feeling like he was on the edge of snapping.

You imagine that helped him out on the stage and you finally felt like he fit the rough drummer image that had been given to him by fans and media despite never making that connection yourself when you had known him. So to hear him sigh softly hearing that you were planning on leaving before they even performed, you were stopping in your tracks and finding yourself willing to hear him out.

“He doesn’t know you’re here yet and he’s driving himself so insane that he’s sick in the bathroom.” He was saying in a lower tone and you imagined that staff and other members were around him considering how soon the show was going to start. “No one can get him to come out but I have a feeling on who might.”

Tears were filling your eyes as he spoke about Heeseung’s condition but you were shaking your head in denial despite the fact he couldn’t see you, wiping your face with your sleeve before whispering back to him in a shaky tone. “I can’t do this Jake.”

“Please Y/N.” He was quickly retorting back and he sounded so similar to how he used to that you felt floored. His tone was genuine and filled with concern for his friend and you’d almost forgotten what he sounded like when he cared about something. “All these years you haven’t answered him, please don’t leave yet. Atleast get him on stage and then you can go and I’ll make sure he can’t find you for the rest of the time we’re here.”

Your breath was catching at the last half of his rushed statement and you were covering your mouth for a second with a shaky hand. It took you a few breaths to think of what to say and he stayed silent on the other line throughout it.

“Promise me.” You were mumbling out and clutching the device so hard you were worried it would crack, hearing nothing on the other side for a bit as your stomach bubbled with thick anxiety. “Promise me you’ll keep him away from me after this.”

It went silent again and you were almost positive that he had hung up the phone before he was speaking again in a defeated tone. “I promise.”

——

If you had gone back to the week before and told yourself that you’d be standing in a room with all of your old friends, you would’ve probably hid under the counter at work and begged future you to leave you alone.

You were trying your best to not showcase the fact that you were absolutely freaking out and filling with more and more devastation every time one of them spoke in their lifeless and annoyed tones, bickering behind you about the purpose of your presence and debating wether it was a good idea or not to allow you to be the one to try and gather Heeseung.

“He invited her for a reason Hoon.” Sunoo was sighing in your defense but he didn’t seem optimistic about it either, barely sparing you a glance since you walked through the door and anxiously checking his walkie talkie every few minutes to try and update the staff.

“Because he saw her yesterday and it fucked him up, he’s not in his right mind.” Jay was snapping before Sunghoon could answer for himself and you flinched at his loud tone, taking a step back when he was standing off the couch and throwing an arm in your general direction to emphasize that it was your fault.

You were frowning deeply at the accusation, not understanding how it could possibly be your fault that Heeseung was having a melt down especially when they didn’t seem that rare for him, his general anxiety and mental health another constant topic in the tabloids.

They continued to argue and you did your best to tune them out while simultaneously trying to ignore the fact Jungwon was silently staring at you from the corner and Jake was only a few feet away from you with his arms crossed. He hadn’t said much to come to your defense but he was continuously shooting you glances like he was trying to monitor your reactions.

You might as well have been in a room full of amped up strangers, possibly high as they paced and jittered about and a part of you felt like you were grieving now that you knew there would be no way to pretend things were still the same, no more pretending time was frozen and nothing had changed.

“Have any of you been able to calm him down this entire time?” You were suddenly asking from near the wall and it was the first time you’d spoken since you’d gotten in there.

The reaction was immediate and varying from each boy, half of them tensing up and looking more frustrated at the sound of your familiar voice and the others almost instantaneously losing the tension in their shoulders with softened eyes. It was like they hadn’t fully processed you being there until you spoke, talking around you in hypotheticals like you imagined they’d been doing over the years.

You wondered if you were a topic they were supposed to avoid mentioning like Heeseung had become for you. Then you selfishly wondered if they’d missed you at all.

Nobody answered for a while and then Jungwon was shaking his head softly, holding your gaze with a sympathetic look that caused you to nod in understanding. “Isn’t it worth a try then?”

“We have 15 minutes.” Sunghoon was saying in that same cold tone he’d been using but it held some level of defeat this time, slumping back into the couch and saying no form of the objection he had voiced so quickly earlier.

You were being directed to a hallway suddenly by Sunoo and before you could say anything or ask why he was ushering you out, he was hastily pointing to a door and scurrying off back towards the dressing room. You didn’t necessarily need him to explain, hearing the soft sobs and gags coming from behind the door now, but you wished he had given you a bit more time to collect yourself or think of something to say.

You took a deep breath and decided to not stall and try to gather some of the might you had the other night, pushing through the door and pausing once you were on the other side of it.

“If I have to tell you to fuck off one more time I’m going to get everybody in this shitty arena fired.”

Heeseung’s voice was coming from one of the stalls and your entire body locked up at the sound of it, never hearing him quite so angry before but also never hearing him sound so empty and wrecked. He was clearly holding back his sobs now that somebody was in there but you could see one of his leather boots poking into the stall next to his, laying on the floor and most likely clutching the toilet.

You were approaching the plastic door without saying anything and tugging on it softly once you were close to it, your fingers curling around the top of it and pulling it towards you with a small shake.

Heeseung’s words about the arena being shitty weren’t necessarily incorrect considering the lock on the door was immediately budging and it was flying open towards you, revealing you standing behind it to his swollen eyes and allowing you to see his frame curled up on the floor in a sickened despair.

He looked beyond surprised to see you and you were almost worried he was going to throw up again just from the shock of your arrival, his body locking up and then immediately tensing even more when you were taking a reluctant step inside the stall with him. You may have been practically strangers with a heavy history now but you still knew Heeseung better than you knew yourself most days and you felt that same comfort and familiarity as you always did.

So you were sinking to the dirty floor across from him and sighing softly, letting your head lean against the wall of the stall and glancing at him hesitantly.

“You came.” He was finally breathing out and his voice sounded tight because of your close proximity, not necessarily touching but the closest you’d been in almost half a decade. He was struggling to sit up but he eventually managed and stretched his legs out in your direction, both of you sitting in the same position across from each other.

“You invited me.” You whispered back to him with a small sad smile that was slipping away as fast as it came. “I was on the list.”

He didn’t laugh but you could tell he appreciated your attempts to lighten the situation, eyes softening slightly at the way your shoulders raised into a small casual shrug.

“What’s happening Heeseung?” You were asking him but you both knew what it was already and you felt just as sick as he looked as you said his name, almost feeling like a swear word as it fell from your lips naturally. “Why are we here right now?”

“You…” He was pausing as his voice shook and you watched him closely, not missing the way he was avoiding looking in your direction and instead staring down at the shaky hands that were picking at his fingers in his lap. “You stopped answering the letters, you wouldn’t talk to me anymore.”

Your shoulders deflated as he spoke in a hurt voice, clearly being bothered by your lack of communication and not at all understanding why you had done it in the first place. You admit that it was a bit childish on your side to completely cut him off without a final conversation but you knew Heeseung would never just let you go like you needed.

“It was only supposed to be a few months Hee, you said you’d come home and you never did.” You tried to keep your tone less accusatory than his but you were also extremely hurt by what he had done.

You’d spend the entirety of your time with Heeseung making him your source of happiness and that was your first mistake because he was always bound to leave. He was always set after something much bigger than your town could ever offer but you guess a stupid part of you thought that you would be enough for him to stay.

You didn’t want him to give up his dreams, it was the entire reason you fell for him in the first place but you just wished time could stay frozen in that summer.

It’d been years and you still could feel him sitting next to you, never smoking with the others because you didn’t even though you knew he did it when you weren’t around. He was always supporting you like that and even though neither of you ever said it out loud, you knew he loved you too. It wasn’t his fault that he loved music more and you could never compare to the feeling it gave him but you tried your hardest.

Sometimes you thought it was working, when he’d come over after practice and you’d lay together in your backyard with its overgrown grass. You’d feel it tickling against your bare skin when you laughed at a stupid joke he made and rolled in the other direction clutching your stomach.

Other times you were once again hit with the reminder that he was only temporary, you’d see him zone out listening over and over to tracks he’d been producing or his eyes would go wide with amazement any time you went to a show that wasn’t his.

And you were completely right about him being temporary up until now, watching him sit across from you with that broken expression on his face that made you sick every time you locked eyes with him. You weren’t sure what exactly started his decline, you felt guilt for playing a large part in it but you didn’t think it would be much difference if you had stuck around his life anyways.

Maybe you would’ve begged him to come home when he started going to star filled parties, too many drugs to avoid and too much pressure to fit in to not indulge. Maybe you would’ve called Yoongi and demanded for a hiatus, giving you some time to come see him or bring him back home for a week or two to calm him and his system down.

Maybe you wouldn’t have ended up on the dirty floor of a public bathroom where he was vomiting his guts out just a few minutes ago. You could’ve been back in your long grass or pressed next to him on his dads old couch, still just as young and just as silently inlove with the boy with pretty pink hair and eyes so wide and amazed you couldn’t help but drink them in.

“I would’ve stayed.” He was finally forcing out the words necessary to snap you from your thoughts, the words you’d been considering for the past few years. “If you told me to stay I would have in a second.”

“And then what?” You were retorting quickly but your tone was weak and sad instead of bitter and iced over, shaking your head softly and giving him another sad smile and humorless laugh as you considered the option. “We grow old together with you secretly hating me for ruining your dreams, I live with the guilt of making you do that.”

“I could never hate you. Nothing could ever make me hate you, trust me I’ve tried.” His tone was the opposite of yours, aggressive and nasty as he spat out the words like they burned but you knew his anger wasn’t directed at you necessarily.

You let the two of you fall into an unfamiliar silence, giving him time to collect himself before he accidentally said something he’d eventually end up regretting even more than he already was.

He didn’t say anything either and he seemed to understand what you were doing, sighing out a shuttered breath before he was scooting forward across the floor until his knees were knocking against yours. You glanced up at him and your face fell at the exhausted look on his face, leaning forward similarly until you could wrap your hands around his and squeeze them tightly with your thumbs rubbing over his calloused skin.

Heeseung was sucking in a breath at the feeling of you touching him and then he was breaking into small hiccuped sobs that left you feeling heavy and lost on what you could do to help him.

You were letting yourself sink back into the past when you were moving forward even more so you could pull him closer towards you, his upper half practically in your lap now as you cradled his head and softly pet his damp hair that was dyed black now and messily falling into his eyes.

Your own eyes were falling shut and you were resting yourself on top of him, half hugging each other and half just giving up and letting the weight of his body and yours combine into a mess of limbs and heavy sobs. It was making you feel both better and worse, feeling him so close again but not knowing if it was the last time and also holding the knowledge that you’d missed such a large portion of time with him like this.

It wasn’t possible to get back everything you’d missed, it wasn’t possible to rewind and start over and you weren’t sure there was any way to prevent this amount of hurt anyways.

You could’ve asked him to stay with you all those years ago but then you’d never see that light within him again and you know it would always be on the back of his mind, his fingers and heart always aching for more than what you could give him and you’d stay up countless nights regretting making him give that up for you.

Maybe if you had answered his letters, picked up his relentless calls and heard him out when he didn’t come home. He could’ve had a good reason or maybe just hearing him finally say he loved you would be enough for you to handle the impossible distance.

So many what ifs that you’d never get the answer to because you weren’t there and you’d never get back there again no matter how much your heart still held onto the past and your love together.

Instead you were here and this was where the road with him had led you, cradling each other as the crowd cheered for him outside and it fell on your deaf ears. You knew he wasn’t going to let you go and you weren’t going to make him, you weren’t going to make him choose again and you didn’t know if that would be enough this time but you listened to him cry and prayed it would be.

Heeseung sung out a choir of sobs and gasps into your chest and you knew you would stay with him for as long as he needed you too, until his cries died down or your legs went numb.

Until the cheers fell into silence and the fans went home for the night disappointed, at least holding the knowledge that the music would still be there tomorrow.

You still weren’t positive that he was really here with you and he still felt as fleeting and temporary as he did when you first had met him, wide eyed and stuttered conversations. It was only a small flicker of hope and comfort that your love for him was the most permanent thing you’d ever experienced.

And that small flicker was more than enough for you.

[lieslab]

Skz finds you struggling with self-harm

꘎♡━━━━━♡꘎ ꘎♡━━━━━♡꘎ ꘎♡━━━━━♡꘎

Pairing: Og8 X gn reader

Genre: Angst & comfort/hurt

Word Count: 10.8k

A/N: This was a request and each member deals with a different type of behavior that can be considered a form of self-harm. To whoever requested this, I'm sorry for taking about a week. In a word document, this is about forty-five pages, so thank you for being patient while waiting. I hope you can find some comfort here <3

_ _ _

Bang Chan:

TW: Cigarettes and brief mention of cancer.

"What is this?" Chan gestured towards you. 

"What does it look like?" You grumbled with the end of the cigarette in the corner of your mouth. 

You ignored your boyfriend and kept glancing off into the darkened sky. You thought he was asleep as you stepped out onto your balcony, but apparently not. Either he wasn't asleep or you accidentally woke him up when you snuck out of your shared bed. 

He stayed quiet while he observed you. You ignored his heavy gaze and pretended he wasn't there. You adjusted the cigarette back to the middle of your mouth. The end glowed a warm orange while you inhaled another mouthful of the smoke. 

The oversized hoodie hung off your body. You threw it on hoping it'd catch the scent of nicotine instead of your pajamas. Silence hung over the two of you along with the stars. You didn't utter a word. Quite frankly, you didn't want to tell your boyfriend why you were outside on your balcony smoking a cigarette at 4am. 

It was almost like he could read your mind. You exhaled and the tendrils of smoke drifted off into the distance. Realizing this was his chance, Chan broke the silence.

"Do you wanna talk abo-" 

"Nope," you cut him off. 

He pressed his lips together trying to figure out what to say to you. He knew whatever you were going through was bad. You only turn to cigarettes when life seems unbearable. Too caught up in his own life, he hadn't realized you were struggling so much. Worry and guilt began to nip at him. 

He had shifted to wrap his arm around you in the bed, but you weren't there. When he opened his eyes, he was met with a barren bed and your silhouette outside on the balcony. He knew what you were doing the moment he opened the balcony door. He was instantly engulfed by the scent of tobacco. 

No wonder you tasted so much like peppermint lately. Chewing peppermint gum, one piece after the next. Showing up to his studio tasting like mouthwash. You brushed your teeth after you smoked. Swishing around mouthwash and chasing the mouth-burning liquid with more minty gum hoping it'd block out the scent. 

"Bad day?" He finally offered. 

You snickered, "more like a bad life." 

His heart squeezed in his chest at your remark. Surely, you didn't associate him with the bad part of your life, did you? Yeah, he was busy a lot because of his job, but what about the times you shared? Was it all bad? 

Sensing his worry, you changed your wording. 

"It's not a bad life, but things seem to be piling up lately. It's one thing after the next after the next. I purchase a pack of cigarettes and then the nicotine releases dopamine. I know it's bad, but it brings me a state of peace. Is it terrible to just want to relax for a while?" 

"No," he admitted after a few silent seconds. "It's not bad, but it's dangerous." 

You let out a sigh and closed your eyes. In the brazen moonlight, Chan could see everything. The full moon lit up every feature of your face. Seeing you like this beneath the soft glow, he wanted to smile, but your words twisted him with trepidation. 

"I know I should care," you reopened your eyes. You blinked trying to hide the tears building up. "But honestly, I really don't give a shit. It says right on the box that it can cause lung cancer. I already feel rotten enough on the inside, so maybe it's what I deserve." 

"Nobody deserves that." 

You stared down at the burning cigarette in your hand. Embers drifted into the darkness while others scattered onto the ground below. The rolled paper around the cigarette continued to burn. Your brain begged for you to take another hit of the nicotine, but now your heart was in turmoil. 

"You are an adult, you know. You're free to live your life as you wish. No matter what you choose to do, I can't stop you. However, as your significant other, I don't want to see you hurt." 

"I know," your voice came out weak. All those emotions you had been suppressing were coming up again. "Can I be honest?" 

"Of course, you can." 

"I hate the taste of them," you chuckled and dropped the cigarette. The heel of your shoe crushed it into the ground. Your fingers gripped the metal ledge of the fence around the balcony. 

Chan didn't utter a sound. 

"It's been going on for a while, unfortunately. For a month, at least, and I'm not sure if I can easily stop." You hung your hands together over the edge of the railing. 

"That's alright, you don't have to quit cold turkey. Maybe try to wean yourself off of them, okay?" 

"Okay." 

Tobacco stained your teeth. The soured flavor clung to your tongue. The scent draped over you like a heavy curtain.  You bit down on the inside of your cheek wondering how you were going to pull yourself away from the thing you spent the past month finding comfort in. 

"You don't have to do it alone," Chan spoke up again. "I'll be right here if you need me. You can talk to me whenever you need to." 

You nodded your head. 

"Do you want to discuss what made you turn to them in the first place?" 

"Not really." 

"Then we don't have to do that." He turned back to the moon and changed the topic. "The full moon is beautiful tonight. I don't remember the last time I've been able to stare at the moon like this." 

"It's nice." 

"Peaceful and quiet." 

You mumbled an agreement as a yawn left your mouth. 

"You wanna go back inside and get some more sleep?" 

"That sounds good." 

Not bothered by the scent, Chan walked over and put an arm around your shoulders. The two of you walked back into your bedroom. He locked the balcony door while you pulled off the hoodie you were wearing. You headed to the bathroom to brush your teeth. 

After climbing into the bed, you curled yourself up against your boyfriend, happy that you were able to find someone as patient and understanding as him. 

_ _ _

Lee Know:

TW: Using alcohol to cope with problems, depression, and self-hatred.

Lee Know was used to you occasionally drinking. You did it, he did it, and your friends did it. However, when he came home on the third day in a row to find you with a bottle of wine, his eyebrows furrowed. 

There you were curled up on your favorite spot on the couch. The large TV sat in front of you and you grinned while watching some raunchy romance show. His eyes scanned the area. A bowl of popcorn sat in your lap. A glass of wine was tucked into your hand. Too enthralled in your show, you didn't hear him come in. 

The bright screen lit up the transparent bottle to show that it was nearly gone. You just opened that bottle yesterday, so how was it gone already? He blinked in shock and stepped closer towards you. 

He snuck up behind you, without meaning to startle you, and stuck his hands on your shoulders. You let out a yelp and jumped. The popcorn bowl upturned and kernels and popcorn pieces scattered across the carpet. 

"Sorry, baby, I didn't mean to scare you." 

"Well, you did," you frowned and stared at the mess. You sighed, placed your glass on the coffee table in front of you, and began to stand up. The world seemed to tilt and you fell forward. 

"Woah!" Lee Know jerked forward, grabbed the back of your shirt from over the couch, and yanked you back to safety. 

You laughed as you plopped back down on the couch. Your boyfriend frowned at your reaction. If he wouldn't have caught you, you would have hit the coffee table. He kicked off his shoes and climbed over the edge of the couch. You giggled while he pulled you into his grasp. 

He leaned back comfortably against the arm of the couch. With you in his arms, he tugged you back against his chest. Your ear was pressed up against his heart. The gentle thrum soothed your soul. 

"How much alcohol have you had to drink today?" He began to run a hand through your hair. 

You half-shrugged on top of him. 

"One glass?" 

"More." 

"Two?"

"More." 

"Three?" 

"I don't know." 

"Four?" 

"Mmh, maybe." 

He paused and glanced back over to the bottle of the wine. Last night, it was nearly full, so you drank more than half of it. You were upping your alcohol content steadily. He frowned and stared back at you. You seemed okay the past few days, but clearly something was bothering you. 

He opened his mouth to speak, but you beat him to it.

"Do you ever hate yourself?" 

"Huh?" He was caught off-guard by your comment. 

"Do you ever hate yourself?" You repeated. "Lately, I've been feeling like I'm not a very good person." 

Lee Know kept watching you. You were pronouncing your words properly, so you must not have been too drunk. He glanced up at the analog clock stuck to the side wall. You were home before him in the early evenings. You had, at least, five hours to drink before he got home. 

"Why do you think that you're not a good person?" 

"I don't know." 

"There must be some reason." 

"I feel ugly!" You blurted out. "I feel gross and disgusting about myself. I look at myself in the mirror and I hate what I see. I've been sad and I haven't wanted to get out of bed. I have zero motivation to get out of bed or brush my teeth or do anything." 

"Oh?" 

"I feel icky inside and out. You tell me all the time that I'm beautiful. You're always there, but I'm not able to see myself like you are. Maybe I feel so gross because it's a struggle to get out of bed. I don't know, but the other day I had a glass of wine and it felt nice and then I had another and I felt okay again." 

"So you're using alcohol to attempt to cope?" There was a sadness in Lee Know's voice. 

"Uh-huh and you know what?" 

"What?" 

"It's working very well. I am so light and I feel so good. I feel like I can laugh again. It makes me feel warm and fuzzy inside." 

Lee Know tilted himself closer towards your face. He leaned over you and cupped your cheeks gently. You peeled open your eyes and met his. A goofy grin filled your face at the sudden closeness. 

"Whatcha doing?" 

"Don't I make you feel warm and fuzzy? Do I have to remind you?" 

"Of course, you make me feel that way! You give me butterflies. I love you so much, you don't even know. I can't put it into words how you make me feel." 

"So you're feeling bad about yourself?" 

"Uh-huh." 

"What if I gave you a kiss every time your brain said something bad about you? You stop drinking the wine and I'll replace it with kisses." 

His boba eyes stared intently into yours. You blinked in shock. It wasn't often that Lee Know was so touchy with you. He patiently waited for your answer and squished your cheeks a little more. A grin began to stretch across his face. He cooed and squished your cheeks more. You began to giggle at his antics. 

"Is that a yes?" 

"Uh-huh." 

He bent down and gave you a quick upside down kiss. Still tipsy, you squealed in delight. He puckered his lips and did it again. Pulling away, he rubbed your cheeks. "So how was it?" 

"I think I need another one." 

"Already?" He threw his head back and let out a dramatic groan. 

"You said if my brain was saying something bad!" 

"That's right, I did say that. So I must prevail in my efforts to comfort the love of my life. Pucker up and get ready for a love bombing." 

"A love wh-" 

Before you could finish, he leaned down and began placing kisses all over your face. Your laughter only added fuel to his fire. He kept going and going and going until he ran out of air panting. He threw himself back over the arm of the couch gasping for breath. 

"More!" You cried out. 

"More?" He threw his hands up. "You're just taking advantage of my love!" 

"Nuh-uh!" 

"Yeah-huh!" 

"Nuh-uh!" 

He leaned forward, wrapped his arms around you tightly, and squeezed your body. You wiggled, but your arms were pinned to your sides. You whined and squirmed, but you were no match for him. 

"What are you doing?" 

"Prison of love." He planted a soft kiss on the top of your head. "You're here until further notice." 

_ _ _

Changbin:

TW: Razors/razor blades, cutting, and self-hatred.

“They couldn’t have grown legs and walked away,” Changbin grumbled. He climbed further into the cabinet, beneath the bathroom sink, and pushed products aside. Dropped down on all fours, his torso was completely inside the darken and confined space. 

He was attempting to try and find a pack of his disposable razors, but he couldn’t find any of them. He swore he just bought another pack last week, but they were missing. He pushed aside backup bottles of body wash and shampoo. Diving further into conditioner and cotton balls, he dug back further, but to no avail. 

He pushed himself backwards and whacked his head on the top of the cabinet in the process. A loud groan left his mouth and it woke you up. In the room next door, you had fallen asleep early. Exhausted from another day at work, you were defeated by the time you came home. Within seconds of your body hitting the pillow, you were out. 

You blinked your bleary eyes and rubbed them wondering what was going on. Through the thin bathroom door, Changbin was mumbling. You couldn’t hear what he was saying, but he seemed to be upset about something. 

As you pushed yourself away from the tangled blankets, Changbin dived back beneath the cabinet to look again. He shoved the small basket of product to the side and when his razors weren’t in the very back, he jerked himself out again. A hand went to the porcelain sink to propel himself up. 

Crash! 

You stumbled over your feet worried that your boyfriend might have fallen. Picking up your pace, you knocked when you arrived at the door and called out to make sure Changbin was alright. Not hearing a response, you panicked even more. 

“I’m coming in,” you called out. 

When you stepped inside, you found a teary eyed Changbin staring at the floor. You stepped up beside him quickly wondering what was wrong. On the tile floor, lay the scattered remnants of the bathroom trash can. A shampoo bottle laid beside it. 

Right there on top? One of Changbin’s disposable razors was completely dismantled. Twisted blue plastic with a missing razor blade. You made sure to hide it deep within the trash can beneath the snotty tissues and makeup remover wipes. You didn’t take into consideration that the trash can might fall over. 

The pieces began to click together in your brain. You had been using Changbin’s razors for a while now. Prying apart the plastic and so desperate to feel something again. You found a friend in the cold metal blade. The stinging sensation somehow seemed to mend your internal wounds. 

Humiliation filled you and the guilt of it all crept in. You swallowed the lump in your throat as your own tears filled your eyes. You remained cemented to the floor unable to speak and unable to explain. There was nothing to explain anyways, Changbin knew what you were doing instantly. 

The two of you stayed silent. Changbin ran through your behavior the past few days in his head. You stopped wearing pajama shorts to bed, but fall had turned into winter. He didn’t question why you switched your clothes. When you didn’t want to be touched as much, he hadn’t questioned it. 

Boundaries and communication were so important to him. He knew not to cross them. The two of you were honest with each other constantly. It helped your relationship flow smoothly, it helped prevent arguments, and it left the two of you satisfied; but this? How long had you been keeping this a secret? 

“Why?” He finally got out. 

“I’m sorry.” Your voice was shaky as you spoke. You felt so small. So helpless. Rather, you let down one of the most important people in your life. Would he see you through the lens that you saw yourself? 

He turned around to face you. There was no hint of anger. His face wasn’t twisted and there wasn’t a scowl. Hurt was in his eyes. He reached out and cupped your face again. “Why are you doing this?” 

“I’ll replace your razors and I won’t do it again.” 

“But why?” His thumbs brushed against your cheeks to wipe away tears. “Why are you hurting yourself?” You blurred in his vision. 

You blinked rapidly trying to get the tears to stop. You didn’t want to admit you hated yourself. You didn’t admit you found comfort in the pain. You didn’t want to admit any of it. You were stuck at a crossroad. 

“Please talk to me.” He waited patiently for you to speak. When you didn’t, he pulled you into his burly arms. Warmth cocooned your body and cradled your soul. 

“I didn’t mean to start. I’ve struggled with it before, you already know that.” You sniffled and sucked in a deep breath. “It got bad again and I just wanted to self-soothe. I didn’t mean to hurt you. I’m sorry for disappointing you.” 

He rubbed your back gently. Your head was tucked beneath his chin. His heartbeat walloped in his chest. “You didn’t disappoint me, you’re hurting inside. You have to learn how to be gentle with yourself, baby. You could never disappoint me.” 

More tears filled your eyes. They began to trickle down and soak his shirt, but he didn’t seem to mind. You let yourself be held by him. 

“You’re allowed to hurt and you’re allowed to be sad, but how about we try to do something else that doesn’t harm you? I don’t want you to hurt yourself. You don’t understand how precious your existence is to me. You mean everything to me.” 

A strangled sob came from the back of your throat. You broke down completely in his arms. He treated you with such tenderness and love, it made you cry harder. He soothed you quietly while he began listing some of your best qualities. 

You cried and cried and cried until you were completely defeated. Everything you had been holding back came up. Beneath your pajama pants, your thighs stung from the fabric brushing up against them. You tried to hide them. You forced yourself into your jeans. 

The fabric rubbed and created irritation. The water in the shower hurt. They always hurt. Just as old wounds began to itch and heal, you created new ones to remind yourself just how worthless you were. The cycle had started again and it’d continue until you stopped. 

Changbin spoke to you how a mother spoke to her newborn baby. Praising you for the smallest things. Dotting on you and gently rocking you side to side. They say a mother’s heartbeat comforts a baby in the wound. With you pressed up against and hearing Changbin’s heart through your sobs, maybe that’s why you felt comfortable enough to fall apart. 

When you finally finished sobbing, you were left breathless and exhausted. Changbin’s heartbeat continued to thrum. Exhaustion weighed heavily upon you and Changbin planted a soft kiss on the top of your head. 

“Come on, let’s get you into bed.” 

You didn’t object as he picked you up and carried you back to your shared room. Concerned about your well-being still laced him. No matter how much he wanted to continue talking about it, you needed to get some sleep. Tomorrow, he’d help you come up with a better plan to cope, but for now, he’d be by your side until you woke up again. 

_ _ _

Hyunjin:

TW: Skin picking, hair pulling, anxiety, and blood.

You didn’t realize Hyunjin moved from his spot until you felt his hand gently cup your wrist. You glanced down with confusion etched onto your face. He gave you a reassuring smile before he spoke. “You’re doing it again.” 

You glanced down with a frown. Sure enough, you were doing it again without realizing it. Lost in your overwhelming thoughts, you began to pick at the scratch on your arm. Your sharpened nails plucked at the skin. The darkened red bits of healing wounds were reopened. A fresh trail of trickling blood steadily streaked down your arm. 

“Ah, shit.” 

You stood up and mumbled an apology. In the bathroom, you began washing your hands in the bathroom sink, so you could address the problem. Out in the kitchen, Hyunjin was doing the same thing. With hands still damp from hastily drying them with the kitchen towel, he walked into the bathroom and gently tugged your wrist again. 

The uncomfortable feeling of humiliation crept inside as Hyunjin observed your bleeding arm. Lately, you found yourself doing things without even realizing it. Digging your nails along your skin and creating scratches. Gnawing at the sides of your nails and ripping off perfectly healthy skin. 

A few days ago, you began to pluck at the end of your eyebrow. You didn’t realize it until Hyunjin came home and pointed it out. On the side of your head, beneath a top layer of hair, there was a bald patch growing back. It never really registered what you were doing until it was too late. 

Wound tight with anxiety, you floated away from reality and let yourself meander a river of worry. Your fingers moved without realizing it. Your body was desperate to soothe itself even when you were consciously away from the driver’s seat of your brain. 

Hyunjin didn’t mind pointing it out. He knew how you could be and if anything, he was happy he could get you to stop. Pulling you out of that cloudy blank daze and helping bring you back to reality. He was careful with every movement. He didn’t want to startle or injure you more. 

“You really don’t have to do this,” you mumbled. 

“I know I don’t have to, but I want to.” 

You stayed silent and let him rinse the blood off your arm. You watched him clean up, disinfect, and bandage the scratch on your forearm. It had been healing for the past few days. The other day, you dug your nails into the delicate skin. When you scraped your nails down, your skin came with it. Pulled from your thoughts by the feeling of warm blood beneath your fingers, you realized you had injured yourself yet again.

You knew it was nothing to be ashamed of. Hyunjin was a constant reminder of that. There was no judgment from him whatsoever. However, every time he caught you doing it, you felt like a child upsetting a parent. He hadn’t made it known that he was annoyed with your behavior, but you were sure he felt that way deep down. 

The thought nagged at you while he threw the last bits of band-aid paper into the trash can. He hummed softly beneath his breath and washed his hands like it wasn’t a big deal. Suds filled his hands and the scent of citrus hit your nose. 

“Why are you never mad at me?” You finally snapped. You didn’t mean for it to come off so snarky, but you didn’t understand why he was so cool, calm, and collected about your behavior. In your head, it was inexcusable. 

“Why would I be?” He asked cooly. His face remained neutral and he dried his hands on a hand towel. 

“Aren’t you annoyed or angry or, I don’t know, upset maybe? Sometimes I’m aware I do it, but I continue doing it. I don’t care if it hurts. It just….I don’t know!” You threw up your hands exasperated. “Why are you so okay with it?” 

Hyunjin eyed you for a moment. You still couldn’t read his thoughts. He kept his face neutral until he cocked his head to the side. “What if it was me?” 

“Huh?” 

“If I did what you did. If I picked and plucked and tore and scraped and scratched; would you be annoyed or upset?” 

“No!” Your head shook frantically. “Of course, I wouldn’t be like that.” 

“Why not?” 

“Because you’re you. I love you and you deserve compassion. I’d never want you to feel like you were doing something wrong and I-” You paused for a moment. “Oh.” 

The side of Hyunjin’s lips tugged into the start of a smile. “Yeah, exactly. Do I think you should do it? No, but I understand why you’re doing it.” 

“I don’t know how to stop,” you finally admitted. 

“I was doing some research the other day and they said it helps if you wear gloves. However, I know that’s not always a possibility because you hate gloves. There was another article I found about keeping your hands busy.” 

“So like a stress ball?” 

“That’s one option, but I was thinking of something else.” He laced his fingers through yours and began to pull you away from the bathroom. “You know how you always like my art? You’re always wishing you could create art as well as I do?” 

“Yeah.” 

He pulled you into your bedroom and retrieved a plastic bag from beneath the bed. He handed it to you and let you open it. You stared at it cautiously and then glanced up at him. 

“Go ahead and open it. It’s not going to hurt you or anything. Come on,” he grinned, “you’ll love it.” 

You stuck your hand inside and began to pull out objects. A sketchpad was followed by a bright pink eraser and a pack of fancy pencils Hyunjin always used to create sketches. He beamed when a smile appeared on your face. 

“You got these for me?” 

“You’ve been wanting to do art for a while now. I can help teach you and I created a YouTube video playlist of videos I first watched when I created art. When I’m not around, you’ll be able to watch them and learn.” 

You opened your mouth to say something, but he cut you off. 

“I know it might not help entirely, but it’s a good distraction. If you start this and don’t like it, I’ve been talking to Felix. He sent over some of the recipes he makes a lot. Maybe you could give baking a shot?” He offered. 

Tears began to fill your eyes from the warmth that fluttered through your heart. 

“What?” His face fell. “Do you not like this? I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to upset you.” He rushed towards you and began to wipe away your tears. “I don’t want to seem overbearing and like I’m trying to fix you. That’s not what I’m trying to do, I swear! I-I just want to help you.” 

You laughed at his distress. He paused upon seeing your reaction. You sniffled and shook your head. Pulling away, you began to speak. 

“I’m not crying because I’m sad. I’m not sad, I’m so happy. You didn’t have to do all this for me. I’m so grateful and I feel so overwhelmed.” 

“So they’re happy tears?” 

You nodded and laughed again. More tears streamed down your cheeks. A smile began to grow on Hyunjin’s face again. 

“Thank you for caring about me.” 

“I’ll always care about you.” He leaned over and wrapped his arms around you. “I’ll do anything to see you happy. I love you.”

“I love you too.” 

_ _ _

Han:

TW: Gambling and gambling addiction.

The question sat unspoken on your tongue. You knew what you were doing was wrong and yet you couldn’t stop yourself. You shifted in your spot on the couch for a fourth time trying to gather up the courage to ask. 

Your boyfriend’s eyes were glued to the latest anime the two of you had been watching. He was clueless about your antics. You sucked in a deep breath and called out his name. When he didn’t respond, you called his name a little louder. 

He snapped his head towards you with his big eyes and round cheeks. Even without meaning to, your boyfriend was attractive. You pushed away the thought and focused back on the task at hand. 

“Can I ask for a favor?” 

“What kind of favor?” 

In the background, the characters in the anime continued fighting each other. Brightly colored hair flung around and over dramatic sound effects whirled. Fists flew and bodies bucked. Screams of despair from the hero and bouts of anger from the villain continued.

The anime reminded you of yourself. You were the hero and you were the villain. Always flipping back and forth between the two, a switch toggled, but it never flipped fully. You were reckless with life decisions. Messy without thinking things through. Acting in the heat of the moment without thinking about the effects. 

“Can I borrow five-hundred dollars?” 

“Huh?” Han’s eyes widened in shock. “Five…hundred? What? Why?” 

Your eyes met the ground. You felt pathetic. Your form of self-harm wasn’t physically damaging your body. You didn’t turn to substances to cope with things. You threw yourself into gambling instead. Every paycheck, you went through money like water. You were a pro at self-sabotaging.  

You managed to keep just enough to make ends meet and then you’d blow the rest of it. Chasing the high of winning, you didn’t know how to stop. The worst part? You were pretty decent at it. Whether it was making bets with your friends about small things or feeding freshly dispensed ATM cash into slot machines at the casino, you were good. 

Lately, you had been on a winning streak. The cash was pooling in. Over and over again you won and each time, the dopamine rush was more intense than the last. You were seeing green, at least, until greed brought you to your knees. 

You bet everything in the heat of the moment. You bet it all and within a few seconds, you lost everything. It was there and then it was gone. Even worse, you realized you hadn’t put the money aside for your half of the rent. You were royally fucked and with no more money to bet to try and make some of it back, you were screwed. 

You didn’t leave the casino giddy with excitement. You didn’t sprint to the front desk to redeem your money from the ticket in your hand happily. You didn’t relish the fresh air outside with loaded pockets feeling unstoppable. You left with tears in your eyes and humiliation coursing through your veins. 

“Five-hundred?” Han repeated again, completely baffled. He reached over, paused the show, and sat up. “Baby, why do you need five-hundred dollars? Did something happen?” 

You could have lied. You could have said something went wrong with the payroll at work. You could have said the system broke and your paycheck would be delayed. You could have pretended your bank account was hacked. As you ran through the lies in your head, they made you feel even more grimy and worthless. 

Heart taught with distress, you squeezed your eyes shut and balled your hands into fists. Your nails dug into your palms. This was your fault. You did this. You made your bed and now you’d have to lie in it. 

“I really fucked up,” you finally admitted. You stayed silent for a few moments. You weren’t sure how Han would react to your admission of guilt. You let out a sigh before you opened your eyes and spoke again. “I think I have a problem.” 

“What kind of problem?” Han stretched forward. He laid down on his stomach and tucked his palms beneath his head. He tilted his head up to stare at you from his position. “Anything I can help with?” 

“I might have gambled all my money away.” 

“You what?” 

“I know it sounds bad.” You were sheepish to speak. “I forgot to set aside rent money. I know it’s no excuse, but it left my mind.” 

Han stared at you without a word. You were too afraid to glance over at him. Your eyes never left the floor. 

“So the five-hundred dollars is to cover my half of the rent. I promise I’ll pay you back!” You peeked over at him. Eyes filled with desperation, you hoped he’d understand. “I don’t like asking you for assistance, but our landlord won’t budge on the rent being due at the end of this week and I don’t get paid until next week.” 

“Did you just start this or…” He trailed off. 

“It’s been happening for a few months. When I hang out with my friends, we go to the casinos and stuff. It was really fun and before I knew it, I was hooked on it. I couldn’t stop it no matter how hard I tried.” 

“Of course, I’ll cover your part of the rent.” 

Relief filled your veins. 

“But.” 

“But?” 

“But it sounds like this is a big issue. This was a pretty big incident that happened to you. What would happen if this occurs again and there’s nobody there to help you?” 

You frowned and shifted once more uncomfortably beneath the weight of his gaze. “Honestly, I never really thought about it. I think I might be obsessed with it. I live for the feeling of being a winner.” 

“Don’t you think you should stop before you become a loser?” 

Your face fell at his words. He scooted closer to you and scooped you up to his chest. You could barely breathe as his arms constricted around you. 

“I don’t mean it in a bad way, but this is concerning. I care about you and I don’t want to see you lose everything. Do you understand where I’m coming from?” 

You weakly nodded your head. He clutched to you tightly in the silence. The anime was still paused in the background. A fist froze in mid-air as it was ready to slam into the villain who stood with wide eyes of terror. His fingers found the ends of your hair and he began to twirl his fingers around it. 

“Han?” 

“Yes, baby?” 

“I don’t know if I’ll be able to stop. I’ve been doing it for a while now. I thought I’d be able to give it up, but it’s like an itch that won’t go away.” 

He paused for a moment before he hummed. His tongue clicked while he thought about the situation. His fingers lazily tapped along your spine. You laid with your head on his chest. He sat sideways on the couch while he held you. 

“I’ve heard that there are some therapists that specialize in therapy for gambling addicts.” 

The air was knocked from your lungs. You felt like you couldn’t breathe. You stiffened in his arms at the words. Shame filled you once more. That’s exactly what you were, you were an addict. This whole time you were afraid to label it, but that’s what it was. 

“Are you okay?” 

“I feel pathetic.” 

“Hey, hey, hey, it’s okay.” Han clutched you tighter. “A lot of people struggle with addictions. It doesn’t mean you’re worth any less to me. If anything, I’m proud of you for coming to me with this problem. They say the first step is admitting you have a problem and you’re right there.” 

“Your addiction doesn’t define you,” he continued. “We all struggle with a lot of different things. It can come in different varieties and all shapes and sizes. You don’t have to be ashamed of something that’s so normal.” 

“I don’t think this is normal.” 

“Not for everyone, no. However, I’m sure there’s thousands of people out there just like you. Some people are in denial and don’t want to admit it. Others are afraid and some feel like they have nobody to turn to. Everyone has their reasons and I’m sure you have yours.” 

His words wrapped around you like a safety net. They eased some of your anxiety about the whole situation. You mumbled an apology for everything and he reassured you that it’d be okay. He stared at you with such love and admiration, even when you weren’t paying attention to it. 

“So how about we finish our anime and we can figure everything out after this episode?” 

“You want to see who wins the battle, don’t you?” A smirk began to appear on your face. 

“Maybe just a little.” 

“You might want to watch, at least, the next two episodes.” 

“You already know what happens?” 

“Nope, I’m just betting on the fight being cut early and something dramatic happening.” 

He stared at you unamused and despite the situation that had bloomed due to your actions, all you could do was laugh at your own word-play. 

_ _ _

Felix:

TW: Overworking, caffeine addiction, and anxiety.

A frown filled Felix’s face when he laid his eyes upon you. He arrived home late tonight due to a few extra late dance practices. He expected to find you asleep in your bed, but instead you were hunched over your desk in the pitch black. 

The bright light of your laptop illuminated your face while your fingers moved over the keys. Your eyes were narrowed and you were stuck in a trance. Beside you, three empty energy drinks sat. A fourth was directly beside you and half drank. 

This morning, there weren’t any on the desk. He made sure of that because he removed them and tossed them into the recycling bin after you left for work. He ventured further into the room, let his bag fall towards the ground, and began to speak. 

“Baby, what are you doing?” 

He was met by the sound of you typing. The white light from your laptop highlighted the deep bags from beneath your eyes. You felt like your brain was melting, but the high caffeine content kept you going. You weren’t behind on work, in fact, you were ahead of everything. 

You worked a normal nine to five and then came home and worked some more. Sometimes your line of work required you to do extra work at home and sometimes you just wanted to work ahead. Felix often tried to get you to lay off overworking yourself, but you never listened. 

You had been like this for the past two weeks. You barely ate and slept. You were always hunched over your laptop. Emailing coworkers and upper management. Passing and trading reports back and forth. Filing and submitting different claims. Making phone calls, so on, and so forth. 

Felix’s shoulders slumped when you didn’t respond. Just looking at the purple bags looming beneath your eyes made him tired. He let out a yawn and rubbed his eyes. 

“Baby, come on. You can finish this in the morning. You’ve been working all day and you need to get some sleep.” 

You blinked upon hearing the voice and briefly glanced over at your boyfriend. His eyes were half closed with sleepiness. It was past one in the morning. You gazed down at the clock on your screen. 

“Go ahead and get in bed. I’ll be there in a few minutes. Just let me finish up this report real quick.” You went back to your screen and continued to type. 

Felix let out a sigh, but went about his evening routine. He slipped into pajamas, completed his skincare routine, brushed his teeth, and slipped into the bed. It was cold without the warmth of your body. His head slumped against the pillow defeatedly and he waited for you. 

And he waited and he waited and then he waited some more. He tossed to one side and then the other. He tried to lay on his back and then he tried to sleep on his stomach. Haunted by the quick pecking of your laptop keyboard, he couldn’t get himself to sleep. 

He huffed slightly annoyed, shoved the blankets away from his legs, and he sat up. “Baby, are you coming to bed? You said you’d only take a few more minutes.” He glanced over at the clock beside him. “It’s been nearly a half hour since then.” 

“Yeah, yeah, I’ll be there soon,” you responded absentmindedly. Your eyes were bloodshot and your spine ached. You tilted your neck to the side and small pops sounded. Ignoring them, you took another sip of your energy drink, and went back to typing. 

Felix’s eyes narrowed and daggers hit your back. His arms crossed over his chest. You were unaware as you continued typing on your laptop. After nearly another minute of silence, he finally shoved himself up. 

Unbeknownst to you, he left your bedroom and headed for the living room. He wasted no time shutting off the internet router box and slipped back into your bedroom without a sound. It didn’t take long until you frantically clicked your mouse and let out a groan. 

“Something wrong?” 

“The internet went out in the middle of my report!” 

“That sucks.” His voice held no sympathy. “We’ll figure it out in the morning. Come on, let’s go to bed.” 

You grumbled, but eventually shut your laptop and climbed into the bed. Happily, he curled up into the bed beside you and buried his head into your chest. It didn’t take long before he fell asleep due to exhaustion, but you couldn’t. 

The caffeine had you wired. You were wound up and didn’t want to sit still. You laid there for a while to make sure Felix was fully asleep. Once you were sure he was out, you slipped out of bed and ventured out into the living room. You reset the router and within minutes, you were back online. 

Nearly an hour later, Felix was well aware that you weren’t there. He woke up and reached out to cuddle you, but you were gone. He sat up wondering where you were. Upon realizing you weren’t in the bedroom, he went out to look for you. 

That’s when he found you in the living room with two more energy drinks beside you. You were sipping a third one. Felix was flabbergasted at your behavior. How much caffeine was cruising through your veins? 

“Baby?” 

You stopped typing and glanced up to face your boyfriend. You paused and meekly smiled at his sudden appearance. “Hi?” 

His arms crossed over his chest and your heart sunk. He stared at you without a word. You slowly put down the energy drink on the coffee table. 

“Do you have a death wish?” 

“What?” 

“Do you have a death wish?” 

“What are you talking about?” 

“How many energy drinks have you had today?” 

“I-” You paused to think about his question. “I don’t know.” 

“You don’t know?” 

“Felix, it’s not that big of a deal. I always drink energy drinks. Calm down and go back to bed. I’ll be there soon, I promise.” 

“No. Put your laptop down and let’s go. You’re going to bed. Do you know how many days this has happened? Multiple.” 

“You’re being irrational!” Your voice started to rise. “Stop being so fucking dramatic! God, they’re just energy drinks, Felix! It’s not like they’re going to kill me!” 

“Are you hearing yourself?” 

You rubbed your sleepy eyes and let out an annoyed groan. “Can’t you just leave me alone? Why do you care so much? I’m doing my job!” 

“Part of your job is to take care of yourself as a person! When was the last time you got eight hours of sleep? When was the last time you had a decent meal?” His voice began to crack. Tears started to fill his eyes. “When was the last time you were happy and not slung over your computer?” 

You felt like you had been slapped in the face by his words. Your mouth went dry, almost like you inhaled a mouthful of sand. You wanted to say something back, but there was nothing you could use to justify yourself. 

“Why don’t you care about yourself the way I care about you?” His bottom lip quivered. “You’re always telling me to take care of myself. You’re always making sure I’m not overworking myself, but what about you? I don’t want you to die.” 

Tears trickled down his freckled cheeks. He hadn’t meant to cry, but he was frustrated. Why couldn’t you see yourself like he could? Why didn’t you care? Why weren’t you listening to him? 

“Felix,” your voice came out softer. 

He shook his head and blinked rapidly to get rid of the tears. “I’m going back to bed. You can just stay here sipping your energy drinks and overworking yourself. When you collapse with a heart attack, don’t come crying to me.” He stormed back towards your room upset with your behavior. 

The slam of your bedroom door caused you to jump. You looked down at the energy drinks you were consuming and guilt began to fill you. He was right. He was right about all of it. You were absolutely miserable. 

The caffeine made you shaky and it spiked your anxiety. You were so dependent on it, if you didn’t have any, you started to develop a throbbing headache. You became aware of your heart rapidly beating in your chest. How much longer could you keep up this behavior before it burst? 

With a sigh, you shut your laptop and pushed it onto the coffee table. You walked back to the room you shared with Felix. Shame filled you once more. Quietly, you opened the bedroom door and stepped inside. 

Felix was turned away from your side of the bed. He was facing the wall with his arms still crossed over his chest. Silent tears flooded down his cheeks still. You weren’t sure if he was awake or not, so you softly called his name. 

“What?” His voice wasn’t angry anymore. He was completely defeated. 

“I’m sorry,” you apologized. “I didn’t realize my behavior was upsetting you so much. I didn’t think it was making you worry. I’m sorry for yelling at you. You didn’t deserve that at all.”  

There was silence for a while until he spoke again. “I’ll always worry about you. I don’t want to see you get hurt. Part of our relationship is to look out for one another.” 

You padded over and slipped beneath the covers. Once he felt the bed stop shifting, he spun around so he could face you. The dim light from a nearby lamp caused a soft yellow glow to overcast. There were tears still in his eyes. They were smeared along his cheeks. 

Your heart hurt at the sight of him. He moved closer to you and wrapped his arms around you. He buried his face in the crook of your neck. He mumbled into your skin and the vibrations caused tingles to run through you.

“I don’t want to lose you.” 

“I’m not going anywhere, I swear. I sent an email to my boss and told her I wouldn’t be there tomorrow. You have the day off, right?”

“Mmhm.” 

“Let’s spend the day together, yeah?” 

He pulled away from you. His eyes sparkled as they met yours. “Really?” 

You nodded your head before you leaned over and kissed his cheek. A rosy blush dusted the tops of them. “You wanna help me get rid of my energy drink stash tomorrow?” 

“You have a stash?” 

“I always have a stash.” 

“You’re not gonna get mad?” 

“No. You’re right, I need to stop. I kinda feel like my heart is going to beat out of my chest. It’s beating so fast right now.” 

“Or maybe that’s just because I’m here.” A cheesy grin filled his face. He leaned up and kissed your cheek this time. 

“Yeah, maybe it’s just because you’re here.” 

He snuggled back down into the crook of your neck. You let out a soft sigh at his warmth. It didn’t take long until you both fell asleep tangled around each other. 

_ _ _

Seungmin:

TW: Starvation, disordered eating, binging, and poor self esteem/body image.

Seungmin chewed his instant noodles peacefully across from you. With a fork in one hand and his phone in the other, he was content while scrolling through social media. On the other side of the table, you sipped your glass of ice water and did the same. 

The only difference was that you did not have instant noodles in front of you. You sat up straight at the kitchen table with your fingers digging into your plastic cup. Condensation pooled against your fingers and left a ring along the wood. You scrolled through your social media too. 

The scent of beef broth filled your nostrils. Your empty stomach twisted and contorted. It rumbled for the third time. You shifted in your chair and continued scrolling through your phone. Your fingers paled as you dug them into your cup tighter. 

You silently salivated in your seat. The things you’d do to have a single bite of your boyfriend’s noodles; the warmth of flavorful sodium filled broth lining your stomach. Your teeth bit down onto your bottom lip once again. 

The feeling of hunger was sharp and dull. Your stomach searched for food, but it had nothing. The feeling of cold water pooling in the bottom of your stomach filled you with a sense of pride. You were starving, yeah, but you had self control. In your brain, this was a win. 

When your stomach roared again, Seungmin glanced over the top of his phone. He eyed you suspiciously. Lately, you seemed to be pushing away food. He didn’t talk about it much because he didn’t want to make you feel uncomfortable. 

After all, he had been on his own fair share of diets. He knew they could be difficult, but you never mentioned a diet. In fact, he hadn’t seen you eat anything recently. Realizing this, a frown filled his face. 

You glanced up at the feeling of eyes on you. When your eyes met Seungmin’s, you raised an eyebrow. He copied your expression without a word. 

“Are you hungry?” He asked. 

Your eyes went back down to the instant noodles. He picked up another forkful of them. Noodles snaked through the fork prongs and dripped with broth. You pulled your eyes away and shook your head. Your eyes went back to your phone and you swallowed another mouthful of cold water. 

He glanced at his noodles and then back to you. Down to his noodles and back to you. When your stomach cried out again, his eyes went back to you for a final time. This time he blurted it out without warning. 

“Why aren’t you eating?” 

“I’m not hungry.” 

“Bullshit. Your stomach has been roaring like a lion for the past five minutes. You’re starving, so why aren’t you eating?” You kept your eyes secured to your phone. “Talk to me, babe.” 

You didn’t dare take your eyes off the phone. You didn’t put it down because you were too afraid you’d spill and that’d ruin everything. You gave a slight head shake and went back to scrolling. 

Seungmin sighed, got up, and began rummaging through the cupboards. You watched with curious eyes while he pulled out another cup of instant ramen. You tried to ignore him, but when he added hot water, the smell of beef broth caused your stomach to rumble once more. 

You cursed beneath your breath and set your phone down. As you pushed yourself back, the wooden legs of your chair scraped against the ground. Seungmin turned around, alerted by the noise, to find you leaving the room. 

“Where do you think you’re going?” 

“To the bedroom.” 

“No you’re not. Get back here and sit down. We’re going to have a conversation about why you’re not eating. Sit your ass in the chair.” 

“But I-” 

“No. Sit down and shut up.” He placed the cup of noodles in the spot where you were sitting. His eyes narrowed while he stared at you. 

You wanted to turn around and ignore him. When Seungmin made up his mind, he made up his mind. There was no use in running away from the problem. He’d hunt you down and figure out the root of the problem anyway. 

You sighed and sat back down. He pushed a fork over to you and plopped down in his own seat. You stared down at the cup of noodles and your mind began to wander. 

How many calories were in it? How much sodium? What if this single cup of noodles caused you to lose control? What if this single meal caused you to spiral into a binge? On and on your internal thoughts went and Seungmin had no idea. 

“Why aren’t you eating?” 

“I’m not hungry,” you repeated. 

He crossed his arms over his chest and waited in silence for your real answer. You bit down on the inside of your cheek. You shifted beneath his eyes again. He knew exactly how to make you squirm. 

“I don’t feel like I deserve to eat,” you meekly admitted. You didn’t meet his eyes. You kept staring at the steam rising from the cup of noodles. 

“Why not?” 

You shrugged, but then continued anyway. “I feel like I deserved to be punished for not being good enough.” Your fingers played with the ends of your hoodie sleeves. 

“Not good enough? What do you mean you’re not good enough? What are you talking about?” 

“I could be better. My body isn’t in the best shape right now. It’s a simple way to lose weight. Honestly, I kind of like the feeling of starving. It makes me feel strangely powerful.” 

“But you have to eat.” He leaned forward and reached his hand out. He was gentle as he cupped his hand over yours. “How are you going to have the strength to get through your days without food?”

You shrugged your shoulders again. It felt pathetic when you said it out loud. Your stomach continued rumbling. The scent of beef broth was overwhelming now that it was closer. 

“How long has this been going on?” 

“It just started this week.” 

Seungmin stared at you wondering how he could help you. He knew about eating disorders, but he didn’t know how to help you. The answer seemed so simple to him, but your brain wasn’t wired like his was. 

Food was not fuel for you, it was a daily challenge; a struggle. A battle of binging and starvation. Something you loved and loathed at the exact same time. It was gluttony, but perfection; a twisted combination of the two. You never seemed to find middle ground. 

“That notebook that you’ve been writing in recently in our bedroom. You’ve been counting calories, haven’t you?” 

You didn’t have to respond. Seungmin already knew the answer. A frown filled his face. The noodles were beginning to lose their warmth. 

“Do you trust me?” He suddenly asked. 

“Of course, I trust you. What kind of question is that? I’m dating you, obviously I trust you.” 

“Can I make you food from now on? Not every meal, but just one a day, so I know you’re eating something. It’d make me feel better.” 

Your heart pounded in your chest. You didn’t want to agree, but you also didn’t want this to spiral out of control and funnel into something you lost yourself completely to. The question weighed heavily on your mind. He was asking you to give up control to the one thing that you could control.

“Can we try it for one day?” His voice softened. “One day and if you don’t like it, we can figure out something else.” 

You finally nodded your head slowly. Your eyes wandered down to the fork beside you. You let out a soft sigh before you picked it up, twisted it into the cup of noodles, and took a bite. Flavor exploded on your tongue. You relished the taste with closed eyes. 

“How is it?” 

“It’s really good.” 

“I’m glad I didn’t decide to poison it then.” 

“Seungmin!” 

He let out a laugh and sat back. A small smile appeared on your face. He kept you busy with conversation, so your mind couldn’t go back to focusing on your food. Eventually, you managed to eat half of them before you pushed them away. Seungmin allowed it without complaint. 

“Whoops, I think you got something here.” He leaned across the table and began to reach for your shirt. 

You looked down to see what it was, but before you could see, he reached up and flicked the end of your nose. 

You let out a yelp and pulled away. Shooting him a glare, he could only laugh in amusement. He always knew how to keep you on your toes. 

_ _ _

I.N:

TW: Doom scrolling and self-isolation.

The world was on fire. Maybe not physically, but that’s what it felt like. You had fallen into the toxic cycle of doom scrolling again. Climate change, war, protests, violence, politics, upcoming elections, riots, and death. You flipped through your TikTok page and soaked it up like a sponge. 

Swipe. Like. Swipe. Like. Swipe. Like. Swipe. Like. 

The algorithm was a little too good at its job. The moment you began liking content about one issue, more videos appeared. Soon there was another and another and another until your TikTok page was a manifesto of doom and gloom. 

The memes went away. The animal videos went away. The videos about your hobbies and interests went away. The videos from your favorite creators went away. Even videos about your boyfriend’s band disappeared. 

The more you scrolled, the worse you felt. How could you live at a time like this? A time when the world was flooded with such chaos. Man made disasters, disease outbreaks, deadly weather events, and crime. Murders, shootings, stabbings, kidnappings, and so on. Another child dead, another place shot up, and another country suffering. 

How could you not be sad? How could you not live with depression? How were you supposed to go on living with the realization that there was so much suffering? Why weren’t people nicer? Why are humans cruel to one another? When did humans lose their humanity? 

Eventually, you turned off your phone and let it fall onto the side of the bed. Tears filled your eyes when you rethought about it. So many stories about higher powers out there. Ancient gods and goddesses, magnificent unearthly creators passed down from generation to generation, and yet suffering still existed. Why? 

You tried to swallow the lump in your throat, but it wasn’t working. You reached a hand from beneath your warm blanket and wiped away your tears. You felt guilty for feeling so upset about everything. You should have been thankful that you were able to live the life you lived, but you still felt conflicted about the extent of suffering. None of it was fair. 

I.N let himself into the apartment he shared with you. He kicked off his shoes and let out a sigh of relief glad to be home. He knew you weren’t home tonight and you probably wouldn’t be home for a while. You told him you were going out with friends earlier. 

Lately, you seemed a little down, so he was happy you were finally getting back out there. You loved your friends dearly and they loved you. Besides, you could use a bit of cheering up. 

He hummed to himself and moved throughout the house. He walked directly into the bedroom ready to shower and dress in comfortable pajamas. All of his plans crashed when he heard sniffling as he opened the door. He flipped on the light and there you were curled into a ball in your bed. You squeezed your eyes shut at the bright lights.

“Sorry about that, baby.” He flipped the main switch back off and flipped on the closet light instead. The too bright white light disappeared and was replaced with a softer lighting. “I thought you were going out to hang out with your friends.” 

“I was going to, but I called off.” Your voice wobbled slightly. You sniffled again and pawed at your eyes. 

Upon seeing your teary eyes, he walked over and slipped into the bed beside you. He pulled the covers away from you and tucked himself right beside you. You wanted to cry at his actions, but you managed to keep your tears back. 

“What’s wrong? Did something happen at work or something? Did one of your friends say something?” He studied your face with concern. 

You shook your head and sniffled again. “Do you ever just realize how bad everything is in the world? There’s so much death and destruction.” Tears filled your eyes once more. “How are we supposed to deal with it?” 

He knew what you were talking about instantly. You did this sometimes. Sometimes he caught you doom scrolling and stopped you. He often distracted you from it with things like your Nintendo Switches or TV shows. You must have started doom scrolling when he was away. 

“The ice is melting in Antarctica and the polar bears…” You trailed off, unable to finish your sentence, as your bottom lip quivered. 

You wore your heart on your sleeve. Empathy was a bittersweet thing for you. You were born with too much of it and you didn’t know how to turn it off. Your heart went out to everyone and everything. Even in the cruelest people, you were able to find empathy in them. 

I.N pulled you into his arms and wrapped them around your torso. You buried your head into his chest. He gently rubbed a hand along your back. 

“You know, animals are very good at adapting to a variety of situations. A lot of them are more intelligent than we realize. I’m sure the polar bears are the same way.” 

That was the thing about Jeongin. He never belittled you for being empathetic. He never called you too sensitive or a crybaby. He didn’t brush away your concerns about things. He listened to your rambles patiently and tried his best to help alter and adjust the way you viewed things. 

You didn’t like your empathy, but he thought it was a gift. You thought about things that he didn’t. You looked at the world with such kindness and compassion. You could easily befriend a stranger if you wanted to. You provided him with a different outlook on life. 

“It’s all so sad. Why isn’t anyone doing anything? Why are we letting people suffer?” 

“I wish I knew why, but I don’t know. Unfortunately, life isn’t fair to everyone. It really sucks, huh?” 

“I hate it,” you grumbled. “I hate being stuck here and not being able to do anything about it.” A sigh escaped your lips. 

“What happened with your friends?” 

“I called off. I felt worthless, so I told them I wasn’t feeling good. I didn’t want to tell them what was really bothering me.” 

“Why don’t you go hang out with them? I’m sure they want to see you. You said they’ve been texting you about how much they miss you recently. I’m sure it’d be a good distraction for you.” 

“You’re right, but I don’t know. They’re already hanging out and they think I’m sick. I don’t want to be a bother.” 

“You could tell them you’re feeling better.” His fingers found your hair and began playing with it. He enjoyed the feathery feeling between his fingers. 

“Can you come with me?” 

“Do you want that?” 

“Honestly, yeah. We haven’t been anywhere recently. They’ve been asking about you too.” 

“I’d be happy to tag along. Where are they? Dinner or something?” 

You pushed yourself up off his lap. “They’re actually bowling right now.” Feeling a bit better, you stood up from the bed. The previous thoughts of earlier were in the back of your head now. 

“Have you ever bowled before?” 

“Maybe.” 

“You’re not going to tell me?” 

“If I say yes, you’ll know I’ve had an advantage. If I say no, then you’ll know I haven’t, so the answer is maybe.” 

“I’m gonna beat you.” 

“No, you’re not!” 

“The loser gets to let the other person pick out their outfits for a week, deal?” I.N asked. 

“You’re on!” You rushed out the bedroom door. You sprinted towards the hall to grab your shoes from the sneaker shelf. “Let’s go!” 

I.N smiled to himself as he went after you. He might not have done much, but, at least, he could help distract you from everything on your mind. He put on his shoes and hurried to follow you out the door. 

꘎♡━━━━━♡꘎ ꘎♡━��━━━♡꘎ ꘎♡━━━━━♡꘎

Taglist: @fairytaleskiess

Masterlist

[junityy]

summer nights ٠ ࣪⭑ 심재윤

pairing. boyfriend!jake x gn!reader genre. fluff, established relationship wc. 800 note. i literally wrote this at like 4am therefore this is disgustingly cheesy and delusional !!! be warned

Zipping up your sweater jacket (which wasn't exactly yours) once you arrive at the somewhat small river, your inner self simply thanks Jake for convincing you to put on a jacket before leaving earlier. And the fact that it was (yet again) one of his jackets was just a bonus.

“You cold?” he questions when he turns to look at you, only to be met with you quickly shaking your head in response.

It's a summer night, so it isn't exactly cold or hot - but rather comfortable and kinda warm. Which pretty much explains why you decided to randomly hang by the river again, as it basically became your spot by now; even more so every summer. You specifically love coming here right as it gets dark every time, something about it feeling kinda special when you're with Jake. And he knew which is why he grew to love these random dates too - and whether these are ‘actual’ dates could be up for discussion, but to him (and you) they were, so that's all that really matters.

“Next time we should bring a blanket.” Jake notes when both of you lie down on the grass and look at the sky. Even without stars to admire, you enjoyed staying like this for a while. “Probably.” you scoff, though feeling perfectly fine without a blanket beneath you.

Watching the clouds in comfortable silence beside Jake, you can't help but have sudden flashbacks; causing you to giggle quietly.

“Do you remember the first time we came here?” you laugh in, what you would probably call a tiny bit of embarrassment, as your mind goes back to almost two years ago. So does Jake's, and soon the cherished memory can't help but put a smile on his face yet again. He loves thinking back to it, especially since that was kinda the highlight of your very first date (and the several ones following; including this one, too).

“Like it was yesterday.” he laughs along, even letting out a giggle which you so love to hear every time. “It was perfect.” he quietly adds as the laughter fades out naturally, yet both his and your smile remains.

“You know, I actually fell in love with you that day.” you so casually share and quietly giggle again; almost causing Jake to choke on air in the meantime. You remember it so vividly, when you were here and looked at him and.. oh. It hit you like a train - you were actually in love with him. Like, in love. Like the crush upgraded to full-blown romantic feelings and you had just realized.

“You're so cheesy.” he only laughs, and before you can even blink, he simply adds “I love you.” just as casually.

You may have been in a relationship for almost two years, but still every time Jake tells you he loves you, you feel like going crazy. His first confession was pretty much the most beautiful thing you've ever heard, but little did you know the countless following I love you's would drive you just as nuts. And, - very needless to say - the exact same went for him.

“Oh shut up.” you return in a playful manner, quickly followed by a genuine “I love you more.” that lets your own heartbeat increase a little. Impossible, Jake only thinks to himself.

Turning your head and immediately making eye contact with him, you fail to hide an even bigger smile. Oh god. You really do love him and his insanely contagious smile.

However, before either of you can say anything, you suddenly hear a light thunder from afar and can easily figure out what's coming next as you break eye contact to look back up.

“Should we leave?” you calmly ask with your eyes on the sky - which is now visibly darker than before. Though still rather light, more and more thunder appears, and you and Jake seem to listen rather than talk at all. Some could probably say you look insane calmly listening to the thunder together as if it was your favorite song playing instead, but it's moments like these that you so love and cherish - both of you.

Still, almost as if there was an imaginary count to three, the two of you simultaneously respond with a laid back “Nah.” to the question you asked before; which is immediately followed by shared laughter.

But oh boy, you will probably remember this date especially well.

🌧

Safe to say, neither of you went home dry that night, but rather drenched in rain. On the bright side though (although you didn't have any complaints in the first place), you came back loving Jake a little more than when you first left that night, and you were certain to wake up tomorrow and love him even more.

taglist @tyunni @geombyu @jaeyunverse @yjwfav @sieuneo @beombisou @neos127 @odxrilove @4xiaojun

[bbunivxrse]

˚₊· ͟͟͞͞➳❥ 2:34AM ‒ megumi fushiguro

pairing ‒ 21+megumi x f!reader contents ‒ College AU, alcohol consumption, gets a bit suggestive at one part but no smut, heartbroken megumi gets wasted asfff, a bit angsty word count ‒ 2.3k a/n ‒ a tad bit angsty fgjioejio wrote this at like 4am if you see mistakes no tf u didnt ??? - also making my posts more nice n pretty n aesthetic cuz i felt like it :3

Megumi Fushiguro sat alone on the couch at a party. he can’t recall why he was there or how many shots he had but everything was starting to get cloudy. girl after girl walking up to him, offering him drinks. he hates alcohol. he hates the taste, he hates the smell, he hates the feeling of it in his mouth and going down his throat, he hates being drunk and he hates being hungover, yet he continues accepting all their offers. the women were hot but none of them were you. maybe he thought if he drank enough he could forget the past, forget the guilt and move on from everything like he should’ve a long time ago. he thought if he got drunk enough the regretful thoughts of the past would go away and the thoughts of you along with it. then he could go on with his life. but the more he drank the more present it became and the more his reality began to shatter at the thought.

girl after girl came up to him, sat near him, sat beside him, sat on him, yet it was only you he could think about. he gladly took their drinks but could barely have a one sided conversation with them for a few minutes before shooing them away.

as the party went on it felt like the music got louder and the lights brighter. his head pounded and he felt nauseous. ‘what am i doing here.’ megumi sinks into the couch, trying to keep himself calm by taking deep breaths and grounding himself in reality. ‘i wanna go home.’ he takes out his phone and stares at his lock screen, it was pitch black with only the white text of the time and date showing. he remembers when it used to be a picture of you with the text showing how far away you were from him. a picture you had taken of yourself in the mirror and sent to him, moments later he had it saved and set it to his wallpaper. he remembers your reaction when you saw it, a bright smile on your face while he was a bit embarrassed to be caught doing something he considered a bit ‘obsessive.’ 

megumi is ripped from his thoughts as someone taps on his shoulder. “wanna have a drink with me..?” he looks up to a see a woman standing right in front of him, a bottle of wine in her hand. megumi wanted to say no, and he was about to, until he took a closer look. ‘she looks just like her’. no, she wasnt exactly the same, but she was similar. from the shape of her body to the way she did her makeup, the way she styled her hair, the jewelry she wore and the shy expression on her face. even the damn dress she wore was similar to the short, black, skin tight dress he had bought you. she was so similar, so familiar, but it still wasn’t you. “sure.”

megumi patted his lap for her to sit down. she handed him the entire bottle and the two of them shared until the bottle was finished. they chatted as they took swigs from the bottle of wine, and as the conversation went on megumi continued to realize that as similar as she seemed, she wasn’t you. it started to throw him off. she didn’t talk like you, she didn’t have the same favourite colour or have the same aspirations. she was still a stranger. she felt like you, looked like you, dressed like you, she almost was you. almost. “let’s go somewhere private.”

megumi pulls her off his lap and leads this mysterious women to a bedroom. this would be the first time he’s fucked another woman since getting with you, even though it’s been months since you left him. he hasn’t even looked at another woman until tonight. he closes the door to the bedroom, the mystery woman pulling him closer and putting her lips on his. ‘she doesn’t kiss like her.’ megumi is yet again reminded that as much as he wants this to be you and he’s willing to pretend it’s you, it’s not you. still, he allows her to unbotton his shirt as they make out and get into bed. she hiked up her dress for him, revealing her black laced panties. ‘her favourite set was red.’

megumi hovers over her, his eyes dead set on her panties making her a bit uncomfortable. ‘what am i doing?’ he questions himself, the headache starting to come back as the music that was previously bothering him can be heard from downstairs. “i need to go.” 

“what?” megumi barely gives her a chance to speak before getting out of bed and heading out the door. she fixes herself up before following after him, but by the time she’s back to the party, he’s already gone. 

megumi stumbles down the sidewalk, aimlessly walking into the night. the streetlights barely illuminate the sidewalk as he tried to keep himself upright. he finds himself at a dimly lit park, throwing himself onto a park bench. he groans as he takes out his phone, the bright light blinding him and making his skull splitting headache worse. the words on the screen are barely legible as he spends an embarrassing amount of time trying to find his contacts. he thinks about calling yuuji, but he knows he’s usually asleep by this time and keeps his phone on do not disturb at night. he scrolls to kugisaki and calls her instead. the phone rings for a bit, before he hears her groggy voice on the line. “hello..?” 

“can you pick me up?” megumi barely pieces his sentence together “oh my god megumi, it’s 3AM! you shouldve left earlier. i’m going to bed, i have a class in the morning.” 

“please, kugisaki. i can’t drive…” megumis words slur a bit “holy shit, you actually drank?? oh my god this isn’t what i meant when i told you to have some fun.”

“just pick me up. ill make it up to you.” megumi pleads over the phone, a desperate tone coming from his voice that she wasn't used to hearing even after knowing him for so many years

“yeah, whatever. where are you? actually, don’t fucking bother, you sound too wasted to figure that out. just send me your location.” megumi can hear his friend's bed sheets ruffling as she gets out of bed, which begins to fill him with a bit of guilt, even if she was the one who suggested he go to the party in the first place. eventually he figures out how to send kugisaki his location, patiently waiting for it to go through. “okay, i got it. ill be there soon, idiot.” she hangs up before he can say anything back. 

megumi sits back on the hard bench, rethinking his night at the party. he wasn’t even hung over yet but he already regretted all of it. he had hoped that the music and the people and the alcohol would distract him, take his thoughts away from the past and finally live in the present but they only made him miss you more. if you were still with him he’d be in your room, laying in your bed napping whilst you studied for your next exam. the music wouldn’t be blasting in his ears and causing him a headache and instead would be soft lofi playing quietly from your speaker, which helped you study and helped him sleep. he wouldn’t have to try and imagine the girl he was talking to was you, it would’ve been you.

 without thinking, megumi takes out his phone, opening up a locked folder. his face id unlocks the folder that held pictures and videos of you. he’s gone through everything multiple times and he wishes he could still take more and add them to his collection. he wishes you would still take pictures of your outfits and send them to him. he wishes his wallpaper was still his favourite picture of you.

tears begin to well in his eyes as he turns off his phone and stuffs it in his pocket, he can’t bring himself to look through that folder again. not in his current state. you’re already gone, he knows that, he’s been told that, you told him that. he knows he needs to move on and continue his life without you but you’ve been the only thing on his mind for months and the alcohol in his system certainly wasn’t helping. 

megumi wipes his tears as he hears the car in front of him beep. pushing himself off the bench, he limps his way over to his friend’s car and gets in the back seat. 

“jesus, i thought you didn’t like drinking.” usually his friend would laugh at him for things like this but this time her tone and the look on her face was more serious. “whatever.” 

the car ride was abnormally silent and the odd tension in the air was prevalent. kugisaki dropped him off in front of the dorms, his roommate already waiting for him outside. “thanks.” is all megumi can say to his friend as he walks away from her car. 

“you alright, megumi? did something happen while you were there?” yuuji takes a good look at his best friend. he knows it’s been rough since the break up, he’s seen all of it. he’s done what he can to help keep his mind off it, to help his friend move past it but clearly it’s all still there. he feels guilty for sending megumi to this party now. kugisaki suggested it but he was the one who really convinced him it’d be a good idea, but he should’ve thought it through a bit more. yuuji can see the puffiness of his eyes and it breaks his heart to see his normally stoic friend in such a state. he’s really tried everything to help but at this point he can’t do much anymore. “it’s okay man, forget about it.” he throws an arm around his friend to keep him stable, taking him back to their shared dorm. yuuji spends the night trying to distract his friend, getting him to sober up and eventually fall asleep. 

sunlight spilling from the blinds shines on megumis face, waking him up. the moment he opens his eyes he’s met with painful pounding in his head. still, he manages to sit up, his headache getting worst every moment hes conscious. he makes his way to the living room, where his friend is already sitting on the couch. “hey.” he barely mumbles out before plopping himself on the other side of the couch. “you hungry?” his roommate waved back at him. 

“no.” megumi gets himself comfortable on the couch, trying to distract from the overwhelming throbbing he’s feeling. suddenly his phone buzzes on the coffee table, where he apparently left it last night. picking it up, he had a slightly abnormal amount of notifications from kugisaki, both texts and calls. 

[ 4 missed calls from kugisaki ]

[ kugisaki: did you text y/n? ] 

[ kugisaki: megumi answer my call oml ]  

his heart drops as he opens his phone and goes to messages, and there he sees it. three messages he had sent last night, all of which he doesn’t even recall. “sorry…” yuuji looks over at his roommate, seeing the colour from his face leave as he looks at the messages he had sent. “i tried to stop you but you were gonna beat the shit outta me when i took your phone...” 

“it’s fine.. sorry.” megumi didn’t even want to read the messages he sent. he can see them, he can see that they went through, he can see that you haven’t read them, and he doesn’t want to read them either. he decides to turn off his phone and put it down, judging by kugisaki’s messages, you had already seen the messages and told her about them, just never actually opened them. ‘fuck.’ 

“hey, why don’t we just go out somewhere? To help you forget about it. let’s go watch a movie!” normally megumi isn’t the most excited about leaving his home and heading out. he prefers staying in his room, lounging on the couch or getting a good workout in at the gym, but today he feels more than ever that he needs to spend some time doing something else, distract himself from his sad, dull life. go out and have some actual fun, especially with his best friend. “sure,”

“I told you it’d be a good movie!” yuuji pokes at his friend’s arm. 

“It was about an earthworm.” megumi playfully rolls his eyes as the two of them walk out of the theater. “It was more than that! Did you even watch the movie!?” the two of them continue to argue about the quality of the movie they had just seen on their way to the parking lot. megumi takes his phone out of his pocket to check his notifications and his heart drops for a second time that day. a name that hasn’t appeared on his lock screen in months, the name he’d been waiting to see there for so long. it was the only one in his contacts to have any sort of emoji or decoration to it, and he never changed it despite everything. 

[ you: i mess you sofucjng much ] 

[ you: pls so im sorry for everything ] 

[ you: pleese baby pls talk to me ]

- Unread message  -

[ y/n <3: come over, we’ll talk about it ] 

megumi stares at the notification. it felt as if his heart skipped several beats. he opens the message and continues to stare. his fingers move on their own as he types a response and he doesn’t even think about it before hitting send. 

[ you: on my way ]

omg can u guys tell im not good at coming up with endings :sob:

[salaciousdoll]

Walk Away- Mikey Sano

━━ ༉⁩༊ Pairings : Manjirou Sano x Fem!reader, Rindou Haitani x Fem!reader

━━ ༉⁩༊ Encapsulation : Manjirou was tired of you and did the only thing he could think of, but was it worth the pain in the end?

━━ ༉⁩༊ Warnings : Angst, heavy angst, no comfort( for Mikey), cheating implied, vi0lence, small t0rture descriptions( not on reader), oc names Yasire’, chubby reader, black reader, overall just angst and hurt, everyone in Bonten doesn’t like you except Rindou and maybe Ran, Rindou is a sweetheart in this, Rindou has feelings for you, Divorce talk/ settlement

━━ ༉⁩༊ Word Count : 3.6K

( This is an old ass draft and I wanted to post it to clear out my drafts so enjoy the heartbreak 😉)

You loved Manjiro Sano so much that you put aside anything and came to his aid, but would he do the same? Yes and No.

You were laying down on the bed waiting for your husband. You honestly were getting worried because it’s 4 am and he never is out no later than 2 am. He did call you and say that he was heading to the club with his men and that you should get some sleep, but you couldn’t help but to worry about him.

You were watching the 4am news when suddenly you saw something you wished you didn’t see, “ Breaking news, there was a violent shooting around 2 am this morning, leaving multiple deaths and 2 wounded heavily, sources says this is the effect of the gang violence between Bonten crime organization and CG crime organizat-”, The news reporter says with visuals of one of the nightclubs Bonten owns. It was a terrifying sight to see and you had to call Manjiro.

Meanwhile in the Bonten headquarters, Mikey was getting his wounds fixed while Kakucho was beside him doing the same thing. This was the worst hit they’ve gotten and they just knew someone was a traitor, and Ran was the first to point it out, it’s usually Sanzu. Bonten was secured and locked with the safety of their own club, so why would their enemy suddenly attack them when they didn’t even make it known they were showing up to the club they least visit.

Mikey was on the phone with Yasire’, his ex- wife. She was the one he truly cared and loved this entire time. Kakucho and the others even liked her more than you because she actually helped him, meanwhile to them it felt like you were a show off type of woman. They knew he needed someone like Yasire’ and not you.

“ Are you okay, Manjiro? Do you want me to come over there?”, Yasire’ says into the phone, already getting her keys.

Mikey almost smiled at that and was about to answer when suddenly your name popped up and he just let it ring as the doctor was patching up his stomach. He felt sick of you and he needed you to get out of his mind and life because you were draining him and he didn’t even have a reason for why you were draining him.

“ Mikey?”, Yasire’ asks, wondering why he suddenly showed the expression of irritation. He smiled again once he saw her face and voice on the other side of the FaceTime call, “ Huh, baby? Right, what were we talking about?”

Sanzu happily answered for him, “ Invite her over, I want some of her snacks out of her bag, the other one doesn’t carry good snacks like Yasire’ does.”, Sanzu says, earning a heavy sigh from Rindou.

Rindou was the only one who thought that you didn’t deserve this. He honestly thought you were great for Mikey. Mikey always smiles and laughs with you, but then again he does that with Yasire’ too. Only with you his smile and laugh was fake, anyone could see that but you, it seems. Rindou also thought you had a funny and beautiful personality matching your pretty ass face and body doesn’t matter what size you are either, they all needed a you in their lives, Mikey just didn’t cherish what he has.

Mikey chuckled, actually chuckled before speaking, “ Come over, we missed you.”

Yasire’ smiled before saying okay and hanging up the phone. She knew about you and still didn’t care because why would she, after all you took Mikey from her and now she took him back.

Mikey smiled at the phone and couldn’t wait for Yasire’ to come. Oh, how much he loves her. God, he wished he would choose differently.

You, on the other hand, was on your way to Bonten headquarters after getting a text from Rindou saying that they’re all okay and that Mikey’s fine and was here at the HQ. You originally texted all of them and the others ignored you or blocked you, meanwhile he didn’t.

You honestly didn’t know why Mikey didn’t answer his phone. You suddenly remembered that he doesn’t kiss you goodbye or say that he wants to take you out or make love to you like he always did for these past few months.

Maybe he was cheating? No. No. No. he’s hurt right now and you’re thinking about that, what was your problem? Is this why he hasn’t been really speaking to you, have you become insecure about this relationship with him.

You scratched the thoughts out your head and continued driving to their headquarters.

Yasire’ was already there and was now hugging everyone, “ Oh, I missed you all, how did you all get caught like this in the first place, you look like hell.”

Ran smiled while pouring himself a drink, “ That's because we were fighting for our lives cherry head, why red anyways?”

Yasire’ was about to answer when she got pulled on Mikey’s lap making him grunt in the process because of his wounds, “ Mikey! Anyways, because I wanted to try a new approach, you like it, slick back?”

Everyone laughed at her corny joke while Ran held up his glass, “ That's up for your husband to decide, isn’t that right Mikey?”

Mikey huffed before nodding, “ Mhmm, you look so damn good, I wish I could see you everyday and everynight, instead I’m stuck with her.” The way Mikey said her was supposed to offend you , but the others felt the venom from that word and felt like he was talking to them.

Mochi chuckled, “ Damn, Mikey, you really don’t like y/n, huh?”

Mikey chuckled a little before rubbing a hand over his face, “ You have no idea, she adds on to my stress and doesn't even know it. She constantly worries and nags about me like shut the hell up and just fuck me. Shit! She can’t even do that right.”

The men and the woman laughed at his response. Yasire’ spoke up, “ Why don’t you just drop the bitch, if she can’t even satisfy you why are you even with her?”

Mikey kissed Yasire’ on her lips a few times before answering, “ Why can’t I be with you? I never stopped loving you and hated that she was a temptation I couldn’t resist, now I’m trapped with the most boring and weakest person ever. Believe me, I gave the bitch a hint but she doesn’t even see it.”

Everyone laughed until suddenly they stopped when Rindou got up and paused from where he was standing looking at someone with full remorse for something he didn’t even do. Everyone looked from where he was looking and gasped when they saw you with the most tired expression they saw on your face.

You didn’t even want to cry in front of all of them because you knew they were faking with you since the night of that party. He never even holds you like that so you just silently stared at every last one of them.

Yasire’ and Mikey were too busy gripping and kissing each other to not realize everyone got quiet. They didn’t notice until Takeomi spoke up, “ Why are you here?”

You cleared your throat and walked in further with your hairstyle and clothes slightly wet from the rain outside, “ I wanted to see if you all were alright, looks like you all are, nice to see you Yasire’. I’ll be getting my clothes out of your room Mikey.”

“ Oh, don’t bother, I threw them out, I paid for them didn’t I? So you could kindly walk back out of here. Don’t make this harder than it has to be y/n.”, Mikey says with his usual threatening and dark voice.

You stepped back before taking one last look around the living room and at everyone before holding eye contact with the sympathetic eyes of Rindou. You smiled at him letting him know you forgive him and it was not his fault.

“ Okay.”, You say before turning back and heading out the door and past security. Meanwhile, the men and the woman were cheering loudly as you heard Mikey’s last words, “ Don’t let that woman anywhere near this place again, understand? If she comes back, kill her.”

You felt it, you felt the salty tears coming out your eyes as you got in and started the car. You tried to get your tears out of your eyes before you started driving, so you sat there. Just like that, Yasire’ won after all these years. She never liked you since you met Mikey and supposedly stole him from her when in reality, they were broken up. You were neutral but her—she hated you.

You seen the glimpse of admiration in Mikey’s eyes when he looked at her in contrast to his dull black eyes when he looked at you. You thought you were helping him since he was back to eating like the old Mikey and his eyebags weren’t as heavy as they were. Turns out you weren’t the one helping at all, it was Yasire’ all along.

You pulled out the driveway when suddenly Rindou came out and everyone else came out after him and started waving at you in mockery. Meanwhile, he wanted to comfort you. He was closer to you than he was to Yasire’, he was going to call you later for sure.

You hurried and pulled off with anger, sadness, and resentment filled in your heart and tears streaming down your face. You tried to wipe them as you moved down the road. You stopped at a red light and collected your tears before an expensive car rode past since it was turning at the other light, firing bullets aimed at your car. They’ve been watching you since you came out of Bonten’s HQ. They didn’t know who it was in the car because of the tinted windows, all they wanted was revenge.

Three bullets hit you, one in your arm. Another in your side and another one in your shoulder. You thought this car was bulletproof since Mikey said it was, turned out he lied about that but why? Did he want you dead that bad? Damn!

The car pulled off and someone who was walking nearby called an ambulance for you. You felt like this was your last day on earth. What a shitty way to leave this world huh? When you meet with the afterlife, you gotta ask them why they chose this death for you.

You started thinking about your family and friends.

“ Y/n would you help me with this”, your mother says while cooking in the kitchen for your birthday. You almost smacked your lips because you honestly hated cooking with her, she’s too strict in the kitchen.

“ Get that paprika out of the cabinet and put it on this meat, when you put it on the meat, sprinkle just a good amount, not too much, not too little now.”, You mother says as you did what she told her.

Your little niece and nephew came running in the kitchen laughing and playing when your mother held up the spatula cursing them out, “ Let me tell y’all something, stop running in my goddamn kitchen, y’all better be lucky I didn’t put on the cake yet. Now, would you two please go sit down somewhere.”

You laughed at them playing and hitting each other while leaving the kitchen before your mother spoke up again, “ I tell you, those two act just like you and your brother and sister did. All three of y’all irritated the hell out of me, but I love you all to death. Always remember that.”

You heard a deep voice call your name, but you just wanted to keep walking to the end of the path where the light was until you suddenly got dragged back. In reality, you were now being carried to the ambulance truck with Rindou by your side with tears in his eyes while his brother called everyone else in the background.

You felt a hand reach for your hand as they strapped you to the stretcher and multiple sayings of “hang on” and “ I’m gonna be right behind you”. You knew the voice and wanted to smile but couldn’t because you needed to breathe.

Rindou felt like he couldn’t even think because you just got hurt by the enemy and Mikey or anyone else aren’t really believing it. The only reason he knew it was because his brother had everyone on speaker.

When he heard Yasire’ giggle, he lost it, “ Ran! Hang up the phone, there’s no use in talking to stupid bitches, now let’s go before I really put a hit out on Yasire’, I’m feeling murderous right now and she’s gonna be my main target and right now I don’t give a fuck how mi-”

“ Ok!”, Ran yells before hanging up the phone quickly. He smirked at Rindou, “ I knew you liked y/n, I knew it.”

Rindou ignored him and got in their car while Ran got in the passenger seat. He pulled off thinking about you and only you. Did he like you? Only time will tell now.

When Rindou found out you were in a coma, he went on a binge of drinking and partying. He couldn’t handle it, he wanted to tell you everything he’s been meaning to say to you the day you came back after the vacation that you and Mikey had. He could see the sadness upon your posture, but it didn’t match your facial expression which showed happiness and gleefulness.

Another thing he hated is when the guys talked about you in an I’ll manner in front of Yasire’ and other women they were around. He especially hated it when they did it in front of him too. He always leaves the room when Mikey speaks about you. He used to hide his words but later on, Mikey words became more bitter making him have to bite his lip in order to not get killed, so he just leaves the room.

He visits you everyday and was the only one to visit until now when he saw Mikey with flowers and the rest of the men he mainly be around behind him when he entered with his own flowers and stories to tell. He never told Mikey and the others anything about what hospital you were at, only his brother, which means his brother spilled the beans. He had to because of the look he’s giving Rindou now.

Yasire’ was nowhere to be seen because just a few days ago, they learned that she was the one who put the hit out on Bonten. She was working beside her husband from Bonten’s rival gang. She used Mikey and Bonten, but had to pay the price in the most nastiest way.

Her face was torn off and fingers were gone, Rindou was the one torturing her this time while her husband now has flies flying over his body from Sanzu torturing him while laughing at his pleas. Mikey was stunned that he turned away and left the room. He was double crossed and this is his first time too.

“ Y/n, look I brought these flowers for you. I was hoping you’d be awake, but you’re in a coma…Tell me Rindou, why are you bringing my wife flowers and hiding where she stays?”, Mikey asks prior to turning around to face an irritated Rindou at the entrance.

Mikey continued not even letting him get a word out, “ She’s mine. Don’t you dare think about getting with her or near her. How dare you try to hide her in a unknown hospital when we own the fucking hospital Rin, how stupid could you b-”

Rindou couldn’t respond because he was watching your fingers move and finally your strangled voice called out to someone he never thought you would say.

“ Rin.”, You say before Mikey eyes widened at his wife speaking, only calling out the wrong name. Everyone else sighed in relief when they heard your annoying little voice again. They may not have liked you but that didn’t mean they didn’t have some “respect” for you.

Rindou hurried and grabbed your hand as you turned your head to him with low and tired eyes, “ Rin? That’s you? Thank you for watching over me and talking to me. You were the main reason I held on for this long. By the way, how long has it been?”

Rindou smiled before sucking up his tears, not wanting to cry in front of his comrades and his boss, especially over his wife who he didn’t get a chance to divorce yet, “ It’s been two months, n/n.”

Everyone paused because he never called you a nickname before so why now. Did he have a death wish?

You tried to smile but ended up coughing, which made him hurry to bring the cup of water to your mouth, but you laughed because they were little coughs, “ God Rindou! I’m okay, I just need to breathe, slow down and sit down, I’ll talk to you soon.”

Rindou nodded before sitting down and moving his leg up and down anxiously. He knew he could either be turned down or shot for you. He didn’t want any of that.

You slowly moved your head to Mikey, “ You. Why are you here? You cause me this pain, look at me Mikey! Look!”

Mikey couldn’t look at you because he turned the chair to the wall and sat down, staring at it with silent tears. He couldn’t face you, not after putting you through hell and back.

“ And you all! Why the hell are y’all here, hmm? Did you come here to laugh or take pictures, which one?”, you ask, trying to keep your sentences short so you don’t have to do a lot of talking.

Sanzu being the smart ass he is spoke up, “ I mean we could have but then I don’t want anyone like y-”

Mikey stood up at the same time as Rindou and they both scared Sanzu because of the look they were giving him. Mikey pointed a finger to the door, “ Out. All of you!”

Most of them sighed before touching your covered feet or tilting their heads on the way out, meanwhile Rindou stayed where he was making his brother, who was the last one to stop to try to grab him. He suddenly snatched away from Ran and declared he’s staying no matter what. Ran sighed before stepping out and closing the door— standing right beside it just in case anything goes down between his brother and his boss, Mikey.

Mikey gave Rindou a stare that had malicious intent and you could feel it, so you spoke up, “ What could you possibly say that he can’t hear?”

“ Y/n, let’s not do this and just come home with me.”, Mikey says, taking your hand.

Rindou laughed before speaking up, “ How dare you? How dare you act like you care about her just because the other girl slipped up and fucked you over. Now you want to come back to her.”

Mikey snapped his head to Rindou, “ I’m speaking to my wife! Are you going against me!” Rindou did nothing but laughed until you spoke up, “ He's Not going against you, Mikey. Rindou, baby, can you step out for a minute? I’ll yell if he tries to strangle me while I’m at my weakest.” It was a joke but Rindou took it seriously while Mikey's facial expression dropped in disbelief and sadness. Did you always think he’ll do that to you? And why are you calling Rindou baby?

Rindou smiled when he saw you nod your head before stepping out with a smile on his face at the word baby until he was slapped in the back of his head by Ran, who was shaking his head at his little brother.

Inside the room, You and Mikey stared at each other in utter silence.

He was about to speak when you suddenly spoke before him, “ I want a divorce!”

He was stunned as he gulped down his fear that was laced as spit, “ Y-”

You shook your head, “ No, don’t argue, just agree and get out. It’s for my mental health and I refuse to be with someone who treated me like shit because let me ask if she would’ve never betrayed Bonten, would you still be with her?”

Mikey tried to walk to you but you held up your hand, so he spoke instead, “ Y/n, plea-”

“ Manjiro shut the fuck up and answer the fucking question!”, You yelled in anger and exhaustion.

Mikey gulped before looking away and nodding his head confirming not only his answer but his divorce too. He was letting you go because he knew he was bringing you pain when you said your final words to him.

“ Great! That’s all I needed. The divorce papers will be sent to your office. Goodbye Mikey, it was a glorious ride, now see yourself out please and send Rindou in.”, You say not caring about his hurt expression.

Mikey slowly trudged to the door and opened it but not before stopping to say one last thing while Rindou was standing at the door opening, “ Have a good life y/n, you were the one who made me happy all this time. I was blinded before and now I’ve gotten my happiness taken from me again.”

He then looked at Rindou with hatred and admiration in his eyes, “ Take care of y/n for me, Rindou.” On his way out he thought heavily about you and Rindou. He wanted to know what was so special about Rindou, he found out while sitting on the bench outside the hospital with tears in his dead eyes : it was the love and care he gave you that he couldn’t give you. He will always hate himself for giving you and Rindou the chance to love each other, but it’s for your own good.

━━ ༉⁩༊ Tagging: @dejwrites @eiflawriting @simpingfor-wakasa @happygoluckyalexis @mastermindenoshimaalicia @bontens-angel @bontensbabygirl @celi-xxmoon @ushijimasslut @Nalyana @cryingchild83 @mikeys-gf @anyahlator

[thinkingaboutjaedyn]

I neeeedddd a fanfiction of r being really shy and they just started dating (elisa asked because r can't even look at her eyes).

Also, no need to do it if you don't have time. I know you probably have finals and even other stuff x

eye contact is overrated ( elisa de almeida x reader )

prompt: you can't seem to stop being shy around elisa even after she asks you out.

author notes: thank you for the request! and ty for being appreciative of my time but tbh i have more free time than i should. i hope this is what you wanted. i finished this at literally 4am so give me slack on any grammar/spelling errors. enjoy!

you wouldn't consider yourself to be a shy person. your personality was bold and strong on the pitch while loud and talkative off of the pitch. nobody would consider you shy expect for one person: elisa de almeida who just so happens to be your now current girlfriend. even after getting with her, you're still so shy.

it truly isn't your fault. elisa is the first woman to make you feel this way; nervous in a good way. the first to make your heart flutter when she gives you a quick smile. it's 100% elisa's fault for being so beautiful like she is. that's why you always look away when she tries to hold eye contact or use to go silent in the locker room when she walked past you. she was too beautiful for her own good.

when you first moved clubs to paris saint germain from wolfsburg, you were understandably nervous. not nervous enough to not be your bubbly self, but just nervous enough to try to calm down that really loud part of your personality when first meeting the team.

that didn't last long once you got around jackie and ramona. the team overall was full of some big personalities, but those two really bought out your loud side. all day at practice you were playing around and almost had to be separated from jackie so you could focus. that energetic, fun energy followed you all day until it was time to leave.

you were changing out of your practice kit, humming a soft tune. lost in your own world as you put on your tshirt than your sweatpants. you turn as you feel someone's presence behind you. there stood elisa who smiles at you. that stupidly attractive smile. your loud personality from earlier crawls into a shell as you give her a shy smile back.

"can i borrow a comb?" the french player asks, again smiling that stupidly attractive smile at you. it takes a moment for you to just nod and grab your comb from your bag. awkwardly smiling as you hand her the comb. you really was just trying to cover up how feeling her hand against yours makes your heart flutter. "thanks," elisa says before walking off. probably to go find a mirror to look at.

that first interaction set the tone for all the interactions between elisa and you after. the french player would try to make conversation with you and the most she would get was short answers.

at first, she thought you hated her or something like that. you were overly bubbly and friendly with everyone else but her. it made elisa nervous as usually she was easily liked. that's just how her personality is: likeable. what did she do wrong to make you that uncomfortable around her?

it wasn't until she started to notice that you would blush and look away at her when she would greet you. elisa realized you weren't shy out of discomfort, but just out of gay panic. that changed everything for her. now she was determined to get you to open up to her and become closer to you. that shy smile of yours was doing things to her heart so elisa thinks it's only fair that you talk to her for more than five minutes.

instead of talking to you in person which just ends up with you running off, elisa took a different approach and messaged you on instagram. talking to someone online has always been less nerve wracking than in person so it only took a few messages for elisa to see your real personality. that loud, talkative y/n everyone else got to see.

in person you still shyed away from her, but a win was a win to her.

eventually after months of talking back and forth on instagram, you start to open up to elisa in person. happily jumping up on her in celebration after making a great goal. being able to hold an actual conversation with her in person as long as y'all's other teammates are around.

still you have fallen hard for her. you wanted to take you two's friendship to the next level. however you would rather crawl into a hole than ask elisa out. that was going way too far for your (gay panic induced) shyness.

good thing elisa felt the same way and was actually bold enough to take that leap. one day, she invited you out for lunch. despite being incredibly nervous (due to gay panic) you accepted and dressed in a cute white crop top with some flared jeans. doing a half up half down hairstyle for the occasion.

when you arrived at the restaurant, your heart rate was a little higher than it should be but you pushed though and sat down at the reserved table elisa got. she sits infront of you, smiling with that beautiful smile of hers. "thanks for asking me out to this place. it's so nice," you say, almost stumbling over your words. "it's really nothing. i just wanted to spend more time with you" elisa replies back. those words almost had you running out of the restaurant (again gay panic). thankfully you stayed sat in your seat.

the date (would it even be considered one? you didn't ask her) goes well. with you two enjoying a nice lunch before heading off to an aquarium. elisa was particularly obsessed with the sea otters. forcing you to stay by their exhibit longer than needed, but you dealt with it for her. the little critters were cute anyways. you have actually gotten more comfortable talking to her in person now. however eye contact was out of the question, with you always acting interested in other things when you two would speak to each other. it couldn't be helped in all honesty. elisa was just too pretty and her eyes were like the sun in your eyes, so obviously you have to look away; staring at the sun isn't good for you.

the sun was setting as you two step out of the aquarium. hands interlocked as y'all walk to elisa's car. you were actually the reason you two were holding hands right now and it took all of your willpower to power though all that gay panic and take elisa's hand in yours. elisa's already high confidence level climbed that day.

once inside of her car, she starts to talk excitedly about the day. with you saying a few words here and there but listening intently. hearing her sound so excited made you smile.

"the best part of today was definitely the otter exhibit. those little guys are incredibly cute," elisa rants off as she continues to drive. you nod in agreement. "yeah but the penguins were cuter in my opinion," you say. giggling once elisa steals a glance at you. obviously offended.

"why would you even say that? the otters beat out penguins by a long shot" she says. the empathizing in her words almost made you agree, but no. the penguins still have your heart. "they really don't but whatever you say" you shrug before leaning your head against the window. elisa gives you the side eye but has to focus on the road in the end so she will definitely be bringing this back up at a later date.

it takes twenty minutes to get to your place from the aquarium.

elisa being the gentleman she is walks you to your door. "thank you for taking me out today. it was fun," you smile warmly at her. smiling even brighter when she leans in for a hug. happily letting her take you in her arms. the warmth of the embrace almost makes you scream (in gay panic), but you'll save that for later when you're by yourself.

"i enjoyed myself so thank you actually" the french player says against your ear. you could hear the smile on her lips as she speaks, "i have a question for you, y/n."

elisa pulls away from the hug. with her hands still holding onto your arms. she tries to hold eye contact with you (because that's more romantic) but you look away. "what is it?" you say quietly. she looks at you for another moment before saying, "can i be your girlfriend?"

you almost ran into your house out of pure panic. instead you pull her back into a hug. "duh" you giggle.

now you and elisa have been together for a month. that overly shyness of yours have faded a bit. however you still blush when elisa holds your hand in public or when she hugs you from behind or kiss you or pretty much do anything couples usually do.

maybe you shyness hasn't faded, but you are way more comfortable with holding a conversation with her. you start to initiate some affection like a few hugs and kisses but it's mostly elisa being her bold self that starts things.

it's a nice evening of having a movie marathon when the fact you still can't hold eye contact with your girlfriend reveals itself. you are laying on her top of her with your head on her chest as you two stare at the tv. the monster high movies from your childhood playing on the screen. elisa seems to be enjoying the movies despite them not being apart of her childhood at all. clawd is her favorite by the way. she turns to look down at you.

"babe.." she says quietly, chuckling once you look up at her. immediately you look away the moment y'all's eyes meet. it's not your fault you're too shy for all that still. elisa just smiles, mentally reminding herself to break you out of that shy shell of yours, as she guides you to face her again.

leaning down slightly as she kisses you. good thing kisses don't require eye contact.