#it's been a hard lockdown lol

[pepprs]

my depression is getting really really bad. like it’s been bad before but this is like… consistently really bad. like a long unending stretch for several weeks (and tbh months) now. to the point where no inoculation actually sticks (and im isolating myself from most of my inoculations anyway and feel unable to stop doing it even though i know it’s self destructive). im either helplessly unbearably miserable or numbing out on video games. i just don’t feel like it’s going to get better for me and i KNOW that is factually untrue but the feeling is louder than the knowledge and it’s just utterly immobilizing. ive been sinking in quicksand for 2 years.

[menaceborn]

giggling and kicking my feet during the cage fight sequence

[pinktinselmonstrosity]

Play Tetris it's supposed to help with very recent trauma

thank you but unfortunately this is not a recent trauma, it's an old bereavement which i randomly got some closure on today. i'm actually really glad i found out the stuff i found out today, even though in the short term it made me cry a lot!!!

[jackredfieldwasmyjacob]

i am very sure that at this point all of the nurses of my town have at one point injected me my hormones and i like to think i'm sorta of a rite of passage for new nurses <3

[petrovna-zamo]

Maybe we hyped Australia up too much

[soundspeachytome]

7 minutes in heaven - shohei ohtani au

summary: Y/N snoops around famous football player Shohei Ohtani’s locker in search for a scandal against his clean record but ends up in one herself.

tropes: friends with benefits, friends to lovers(?)

tw: *slight* smut, mentions of sex, oral (f receiving)

word count: 30,033K words (i'm SO sorry in advance holy shit)

hi! it's been a while. when i made this account, i vowed to write at least once a week but it had been so difficult this month juggling work, my chronic migraines, and seasonal depression (lol).

please note i did not proofread this so plsssss i apologize for grammar mistakes and inconsistencies!!

posting this on the last day of 2023, hoping to give everyone a good read before we welcome the new year. so thankful for this small space to try, linger and reset all over again. hope you had a very merry holidays with your loved ones.

This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places and incidents either are products of the author's imagination or are used fictitiously.

==================================

Locker Lockdown

At around thirty minutes past four in the afternoon, I skimmed the clubhouse for any signs of life. It was only the quiet that prevailed. Clear. 

I tiptoed my way towards the player locker room. I only had around ten minutes to locate the correct locker and take whatever I could find. Discovering the locker area to be empty and unguarded, I felt a surge of excitement. 

Six years later, I couldn’t get my big break and decided sports journalism could catapult me into somewhere big in the industry. This is my last chance to prove myself, otherwise I’d have to reconsider going back home and write Hallmark greeting card messages again. 

Shohei Ohtani’s jersey number is the number 17. Lucky bastard, after all these years and even after going through free agency, he got to keep his famous number, even at the cost of having their senior player give it up for him when he joined the football team. 

And here you might be wondering why I’m doing this aside from my sheer desperation to get an official spot in the workplace and not eat scraps of topics editors discarded for themselves. 

Some people are privileged to a fault.

And I hate seeing him on TV. Or on social media. Or his Colgate-white smile plastered all over my favorite beer and skincare brands. 

Some would say this is the TMZ tabloid level of writing. I say this is investigative journalism. Find out if the famous favorite son-in-law has any flaws of his own and wrap around a bowtie of hidden horrors of sports documentaries. 

And where else can we find this but in the athlete hotpot: their locker room.

I found Shohei’s locker right away as it was the tidiest locker among all on display, with nothing but brand-sponsored clothing hung neatly on the rack. He also donned the top shelf with some dog-eared self-help titles and vitamin bottles. While the rest of the athletes have pictures of their girlfriends, wives and their kids, Shohei has an unreleased polaroid selfie with his dog, Dekopin, just right beside his perfume bottles. Dekopin was looking away, captured in mid-yawn, with his ears raised, and Shohei, smiling into the camera with pursed lips and a snapback on.

I got so immersed into reading the ingredients of his vitamin bottles, trying to find anything remotely related to steroids, or any form of illegal bodily enhancements, that I didn’t notice footsteps from outside the hall.

“What are you doing here?” a voice loomed behind me and I dropped the diet supplement bottle in panic.

Only the sound of the bottle rattling could be heard as I locked eyes with Shohei Ohtani, tall and all muscular. His hair was sweaty and unkempt and his eyes held mild anger and confusion. After the bottle stopped rolling and settled somewhere on the floor between us, there was only silence and the cold sweat building up at my back. 

I swallowed hard. I planned everything from studying the stadium’s entrance and exit doors but I didn’t plan on bumping into him. Not like this. Not when I’m at the lowest level of the social hierarchy right now. 

I could only be ashamed. 

Brain still befuddled at the thought of getting caught, I urged my limbs and picked up the vitamin bottle and returned it back to Shohei’s locker. The plan was not to respond at all and run as fast as I could before the rest of his team arrived. That was the only way to keep whatever dignity I have left. 

“I said, what are you doing here?” He caught my arm mid-exit and pulled me back, tightening his grip. 

“Let go of me.” I struggled to keep my balance and the way my voice wavered was no help at all. 

Shohei saw the camera slung over my shoulder and looked back at me, realization hitting him.

“Y/N, are you a sports journalist now? And were you looking through my stuff?” he said, sounding almost disappointed. 

“That’s none of your business. Let go of me.” I kept my voice steady but his grip only tightened. The sides of my eyes slowly formed tears. 

“What tabloid media do you work for? I should report you. Would you like that? What a shame you’ll be banned from all the games now, right? You nasty journalists just won’t keep your noses away from my business.” he took my camera and deleted all the photos I took of the contents of his locker. I tried to leap for it but he was obviously inches taller than I was and I was no match for that.

“I don’t write tabloid news. If I was, my name would have been all over TV by now.” I grabbed the camera from him and sighed morosely at the lost media. A day’s work is all lost.

“My boss gave me a green light to do a documentary about the team. And the star player.” I wiggled my fingers in front of him, as if to emphasize the word “star” in front of him.

“I came here assuming you and the other players would be here for an interview but no one was around yet. So I hung around a bit and took interest in your nutritional supplements.” Lie after lie after lie. I gritted my teeth and faked a smile. The most convincing lie I’ve learned on almost all my failed dates and relationships was to stroke a man’s ego and have him talk about all the things he is interested in, making him divert his attention to something else. 

“You’ve got really good, um, vitamins for muscle recovery there. Maybe that’s why you got so big and strong, right?.” He looked at me dubiously, nodding responsively to be polite. If he took the bait, then he is obviously just like any other guy I’ve ever met. 

“I mean, I guess? I’ve been doing deadlifts so–”

Approaching footsteps and faint voices were heard from the hall. Shohei pushed me toward the opposite end of the hall, where the showers were located. 

“Wha–” I started but was shut up when he pushed me further into the back of the shower room, swiping the doors closed. 

“Shut up if you don’t want to be caught.” He growled and I recoiled back into the tiled corner. On top of me was the almost rusting shower head who had seen better days, and two bottle pumps for shampoo and body wash. 

Voices and conversations were starting to fill in the locker room that was empty only a few seconds ago. The voices of men echoed through the shower rooms.  You could hear the sound of water turning on from neighboring shower stalls, laughter and tired conversation in the locker area. We were surrounded.

Shohei could be heard laughing with his mates while blocking the door to the shower room I was hiding in. 

“Are you using that, Sho? I could use a hot shower right now.” one of his teammates said. 

“Uh, no, I was just about to use this room, sorry.” he said, almost hesitating. After a few seconds, he entered the shower room and started undressing. 

I widened my eyes and shot him daggers. When he unhooked his shirt from his armholes, I was rendered speechless. 

He had the body sculpted by the gods with his wide shoulders and large pecs that glinted under the light. How could someone look handsome and beautiful at the same time? 

So when Shohei reached for the waist belt of his pants down, I didn’t know why I had choked on a silent scream. I looked away, embarrassed to have reacted like an inexperienced teenager. I have seen and have been with naked men before. This should be nothing new to me and my level. Or so I thought.

I stole a glance at Shohei, who was slowly walking towards me (or to the showerhead, where I stood under, obviously)  in only his boxers on, gazing at me in wild amusement.

We were almost inches apart from each other, foreheads almost touching, breaths almost converging, if you may. If I stand on my tiptoes, I would be almost at his eye-level and I could peck him on the lips if I wanted to. 

If I wanted to.

“Sorry, but I need to shower or someone else will try to take this stall.” His voice broke my salacious thoughts. He looked at me and turned the shower on.

“Are you serious?”

“Yes, I’m supposed to. Aren’t I? I just got off practice and I stink.” He said almost sarcastically.

“So I’m supposed to just watch you bathe and hope I get out here alive?” Water slowly dripped into my shirt, soaking my chest and exposing a bit of my underwear. 

“If you didn’t sneak in here, we wouldn’t have this problem.” He concluded and pursed his lips, not looking at me. 

“Shohei? You okay? You sound like you’re talking to someone.” a familiar voice floated into the shower room.

“It was a video on my phone that I forgot to pause, Ippei-san.” Shohei’s face turned red but recovered quickly, glaring at me. 

“Oh, well then, I thought you finally had a girl in there. I was wrong.” Ippei laughed.

Shohei started lathering body wash on his body at the slowest pace possible. His hands glided through his chest, stomach, and into the dick he’s restraining inside his boxers. Simply having this view had me almost whimpering. If it had been another day, I would have obviously enjoyed this, having a sexy man bathe in front of me, because who wouldn’t? But under my circumstances, I’m only fairly annoyed at being a flustered, hot mess and I couldn’t do anything about it. 

“Oh, fuck, now you got me wet.” I blurted a little loudly as the water splashed and got into my socks. 

Shohei’s widened and panicked eyes shot at me.

In between those short seconds, Shohei was able to respond quicker than my brain could. He had faked a laugh and said loudly, “Well, that’s awkward, the video keeps on playing on its own. Let me turn my phone off instead.” gaining laughter from outside the shower area and then reaching for the small of my neck and closed whatever space was seen between us. 

Based on what I had learned in self-defense training, my initial bodily reaction should have been this: If someone is coming at you from the front, a groin kick may deliver enough force to paralyze your attacker, making your escape possible. 1. Stabilize yourself as best you can. 2. Lift your dominant leg off the ground and begin to drive your knee upward. 3. Extend your dominant leg, drive hips forward, slightly lean back, and kick forcefully, making contact between your lower shin or ball of your foot and the attacker’s groin area.

Instead, when his lips touched mine, I felt my arms throw around his neck and pulled him closer. They say we’re all beggars for something, and this indulgence I had let myself be greedy for. 

When his lips reached mine, I parted like the Red Sea almost immediately, welcoming him and everything that he could offer: the taste of his tongue on my mouth, the smell of honey orange and apricot from his body wash seeping through my nose as I peppered kisses on his chest, and his obviously hard dick grinding against my stomach. When I palmed him, he managed a low growl and caught my wrists.

“Not here.” he groaned.

I pushed my head back inquiringly, both of us breathing too hard. 

“I have no condom,” he tucked a wet strand of hair behind my ear. Under the dim bathroom light, I could see his face and chest were flushed. “Next time?”

“Well, usually when two old friends meet after a fall out in college, they just catch up and have coffee.” I said.

He laughed and said quietly, “Okay, so I owe you.”

“The coffee or the protected sex?” 

“Uh, it could go a lot of ways.” Before he could say more, I palmed him through his boxer shorts and looked up at him, trying to find his limit.

Shohei bit his own lip and tugged the roots of my hair in a bundle, pulling and tugging from the pleasure. To keep himself from making such ungodly hot sounds, he pushed his tongue down my throat and thrusted his hips back and forth against my hand.

As if to make it even, he unclasped my bra and sucked on my already soaked breasts, a satisfied groan slipped from me. We both pulled and pushed and sucked and kissed each other in the crevices the shower splatters couldn’t reach, silencing the moans before it could escape us.  

In that brief and elating moment, while we muted the noise from unsuspecting people, we smothered each other’s groans and reached our highs in the quietest, most pleasurable way possible. 

=========================================

7 minutes of heaven

It’s strange how I always find myself in the most ridiculous situations. 

The next few occasions that I’d meet Shohei would be wordless and timed interactions in enclosed spaces. We’d see each other in public and pretend we didn’t know each other but slip each other notes of the next place we’d secretly meet. It all felt strangely exhilarating to keep a secret like a fifteen year old would, with all the sneaking and running. 

We’ve explored almost every nook and cranny of the stadium, discovering hidden spots of our rendezvous. We’d meet up in a different bathroom and he’d push me on my back while he fucks me repeatedly on the bathroom sink. Pre-game preps meant I gave him blowjobs in his manager’s office hours and hours before everyone even arrived. 

Of course, when we ran out of places to hide, we’d go as far as looking for the next empty parking lot and tried to fuck each other noiselessly.

“So when can I take you out for dinner?” he had asked one day, when he dragged me out to meet with him around after midnight. I wouldn’t let him inside my apartment and I refused to do the deed in his either, so he’d bring me to places that only us knew, to fuck, to kiss, sometimes to talk, but more often, to drive each other’s pleasure and only that. 

Because god forbid we both catch feelings and lose the fun, right?

So no talking, no sharing of personal details, no anything. 

We were in an empty parking lot, away from the lampposts and streetlights. Shohei had made sure that we were well hidden in the dark. 

He had his legs spread while sitting on the driver’s seat. His hands, warm and wide, rested on my hips and thighs, lightly urging me to ride him slowly.

Soft RNB music played on the stereo, it was a quiet, still night. It was both our day off so he had wanted us to chill and take the sex slowly.

Slow meant gazing at each other’s eyes–gaze, not look–with endearment or adoration, not lust or pleasure. Slow meant thinking the unthinkable thoughts. Slow meant being vulnerable while coming undone.

And I don’t want the slow and quiet moments. I wanted the fast and rough with no time to talk, gaze or even think, just one hundred percent fun and debauchery. 

“Mmm. Maybe when you show me your photos,” I avoided the question but I also knew Shohei would never show me the photos he had taken–past and present. Even when we had been buddies for an entire semester, he had, not once, shown me his portfolio. 

“So probably never, right?” he gazed up at me with his creamy brown eyes, hands caressing my stomach lightly. 

“Probably,” I muttered and with that he had gripped my thighs tightly and moved his hips upwards to meet me. I moaned when he hit me in the right spots. Any sign of softness he had shown a few moments ago was gone, and only the roughness and unsettling disconnection remained. 

This particularly fine day, I would be standing at the mercy of his mouth. He had dragged me to an empty storage room in the east wing of the stadium, hours after practice. According to him, the area stands the exact opposite from the lockers so most people hardly come by. How he had found out about this, I had no idea. 

He was kneeling in between me, my right leg hooked on his shoulder, giving him more access and my hands tugged at the strands of his hair every time he licked my sensitive clit. 

Shohei’s tongue grazing against me had left me quivering in delight. He stands up and kisses me, giving me a taste. My fingers started unbuckling his belt when he felt his phone vibrate. 

“Oops, Ippei’s looking for me.” He pockets his phone, looking forlorn, as if telling me he didn’t really want to go yet. “See you again next time?”

“Yours or mine?” I had asked, brushing up and straightening my wrinkled dress. And when I realized what I had done, Shohei’s eyes shot up and he beamed widely. 

“I just– I- I want a proper night with sex, you know.” I explained, trying to sound nonchalant. “It’s so uncomfortable having to go commando at work after you had just literally sucked the life out of my vagina, Sho.”

“Mmm-hmm.” He smiled even more.

“What?”

“Nothing.”

“Okay.”

“Okay?” 

“What? Fuck off.” By this time, my face felt hot and had probably looked red like a tomato, which probably amused Shohei even more. 

“Your place, then. I’ll call you.” he gives me one last kiss then heads out first, leaving me a dazed and pulsating mess.

A shrill sound knocked me awake. It felt like seven thousand screaming hungry babies in my ear, bouncing off around my brain like a pinball. 

I looked at the digital clock on the bedside table and saw the time glinting behind the glass: 8:41 PM. I must've fallen asleep after taking a half day off from work, feeling nauseous and slightly feverish. It seemed that whatever body malaise that I have been carrying inside me earlier had sprung into a full-blown ailment.

 I pushed my body up and walked groggily to the source of my misery. 

Someone was buzzing the doorbell and repeatedly pounding on the door. Great.

“If you’re not dead or dying behind this door, you’re about to be.” I croaked harshly, throat burning; putting all my remaining energy in pulling the door open. I was greeted by an extremely tall man with frantic brown eyes, searching my face.

“Oh, thank fucking god. I’ve been knocking for half an hour.” he wrapped me in a tight hug, I almost collapsed. Partly because of the throbbing headache and overall discomfort that I already felt, but hugely because of the warm minty scent of Shohei Ohtani. 

“Jesus, you’re burning up!”

“What are you doing here?” I said, struggling in his grip, his face resting on the curve of my neck. “You’re not supposed to be here.”

“You don’t text someone ‘at least i’ll die happy today knowing that my last meal was shoyu ramen’ and then not fucking reply after.” We were still standing by the entrance, his face now angled towards me, a look of concern or anger mixed in his face, I couldn’t tell. My cerebral cortex functions seemed to have shut down after witnessing this unexpected tenderness. 

“Medicine knocked me down cold.” I shrugged weakly. 

Shohei pulled me into the bedroom and tucked me back in, apologizing for his intrusion, putting down plastic bags of what seemed to be groceries on the kitchen counter, and went back to lightly scolding me for proper texting etiquette to family and friends, to anyone really. That my dark humor doesn’t translate well in messages and that I could have really died and people would think I’m joking but really, he got so scared that he went here as fast as he could.

I don’t remember much but in between fever dreams and my ibuprofen haze, I faintly remember the savory taste of rice porridge exploding in my mouth, the constant dabbing of a cold towel on my face, neck and chest, sometimes, my back, too; the smell of rubbing alcohol and a large, gentle, almost loving touch. 

I don’t remember much but in between waking up in the darkness and stone-cold silence, I remember soft forehead kisses until I drifted back to sleep; of big strong arms enclosing me into a big embrace, as if to tell me, you can put your guard down now. you are safe here. 

I don’t remember much from coming in and out of slumber, but I remember thinking: wouldn’t it be nice if this wasn’t a dream?

======================================

Reset

In the end, I quit sports media on my own volition and got into a friend’s ceramics house. I have always had a thing for ceramics and sculpting as early as college, where I had met my then-professor and now friend–who happens to be the owner of mentioned ceramics house. She had always praised me and encouraged me to join her when she first opened the shop, but as someone who had musings for writing at the time, I politely declined and pursued, you guessed it, journalism. 

I’ve always been good at writing, no doubt, from the way professors always had a good word for me, but I always seem to get into the wrong places every time. Time moves fast if you’re a journo, if you’re slow, then the news is rehashed news, it would just be a late-night recap at a midnight slot that no one is ever awake to watch. 

Here, inside her shop, it was quiet, and time moved slowly. I can get into my laziest clothes and no one bats an eye. I can finally retire my stilettos and straight cut blazers. 

It was all so going well. The customers were always mid-twenties who got interested in our social media marketing of creating your own mugs and other ceramics and always came in in groups, duos, and solos. 

Slowly, I realized that not everyone gets to the places they want. Even when you work blood and sweat for it. Not all were built like, say, Shohei Ohtani, whose talent was recognized early and afforded him an automatic slot in the big leagues.

Some are born to be big icons and some, like the rest of us, are meant for smaller, softer spaces. I get that now. It finally felt like I was in the right place and pace. 

All this positivity and good timing felt all too good to be true and been proven accurate when the scandal blew up. 

Shohei Ohtani photographed exiting his LA apartment with a woman in his arms.

Shohei Ohtani’s rumored girlfriend receives backlash from fans: READ MORE

EXCLUSIVE: More photographs of Shohei Ohtani and rumored girlfriend driving away in his Porsche

Rumored girlfriend of Shohei Ohtani: Who is She?

When I say it was everywhere, I meant it exploded right in front of our faces like a million confetti, falling and twirling fast. It was unstoppable. It was inevitable.

I felt my limbs go numb when I read the morning news. There in bold and black letters was the headline, my name and a clear photo of me holding Shohei’s arm, smiling. A certain news outlet had gotten juice of us and our secret hideouts and had spread all over social media like wildfire. You know what’s funnier? The media outlet that released this was my previous employer. The same company that asked me to snuff out a controversy. While I had failed to give them the news they wanted, I had unintentionally brought them an exclusive that wrote my entire name–and face–off the map and potentially ruined Shohei Ohtani’s clean record. 

Shohei Ohtani, despite his happy-go-lucky and passive demeanor, was a very serious and straight-laced person. I already knew this in university but I got to see more of this side of him when we had started the fucking thing. Even though I had clearly told him that I didn’t want any strings attached, it was unavoidable to give and receive bits and pieces of each other when we’re not naked. 

I  did enjoy talking to Shohei under the sheets. His ingenious ideas and the way he talked about the things he adored spilled all over him, like afternoon sunlight streaming in between curtains, making way even through the small spaces to cast his light. I basked into this warmth as much time allowed me, because who knows when I can experience the glow of his presence again after all the chaos. 

He was exactly like the golden hour: a warm afternoon orange luminescence that usually only stays for ten to fifteen minutes a day. If you wait too long to look up, he disappears quickly as he goes, leaving only the faint orange, yellow and pink hues chasing after him before the black of the night takes over you. 

Well, now the fairytale has run its course and the sun has set to announce that golden hour is over. Night has finally fallen on me and I’m feeling scared and alone.

The first thing I did was to grab as much stuff as I could and put them all in my luggage and filed for an indefinite leave. 

As if like clockwork, my phone rang and saw Shohei’s name on the caller ID. I didn’t answer. I couldn’t. What could I possibly say to him? That I used him just for the clicks and the views? That after all this time we spent together, he would realize that I am still the same despicable, scathing piece of garbage who’d trample on anyone just for a few cents?

So I don’t answer. Even when he calls back again and again and leaves me twenty or more messages by the hour. I turned my phone off. The latest message from Ohtani coming up on the notifications bar read, “Where are you?” before the screen flashed to black. 

I have nothing but my pride left. I’d like to keep it that way.  In such a way, I was embarrassed, too. I thought I finally had something to brag about. A job that I actually liked and enjoyed, a peaceful mind, and the possibility of liking a guy who had shown me nothing but kindness. 

And because I couldn’t handle all of this, I handled it like I have always handled things: I ran away like a coward. 

I rode a bus without reading its destination card and let it drive me away as far as it could, to someplace where no one knew me or Shohei Ohtani, or had any idea about the news. 

The bus drove away and I never looked back. 

================================

Waiting Until My Spring Comes Again: Shohei’s POV

Just like that I lost her. She wasn’t even mine to begin with. 

When the news broke out, I was so furious that I wanted to drive to the news outlet that published the article and give them a piece of my mind. I knew my blind rage would have done more damage so I didn’t.

Instead, I looked for her and wanted to let her know that whatever happens, I won’t drop her just like that. That I’m willing to acknowledge the rumors and make it official, if she wanted to. 

I’ve always been open to the idea of taking it to the next level with her but every time I broached the subject, she would change the topic, get into a foul mood, or try to pick a fight with me. Which I found endearing. She’s so adorable when she pouts. And when she pushes her luck thinking a five foot four girl like her can withstand someone as tall as me. 

I just can’t help but laugh and feel a flutter in my stomach. She’s someone who has been adorable and held a special corner in my heart. 

Y/N’s face was so expressive and whatever emotion she was in it would always be evident on her face. When she’s happy, a dimple on her cheek shows up. When she’s feeling sad or down, she’d look downcast and would prefer that you leave her alone. When she’s thinking about something deep, she would chew on her lower lip and always had a blank almost unfocused stare. Despite her many faces, I’m sure as hell that I love all of them. I wanted to be by her side when all this shit happened, I wanted to see which face she was making. Is she pissed like I was? Is she sad? I wouldn’t know. The moment her number didn’t connect after I had tried reaching her, I already knew that she was avoiding me. 

I lost count of how many messages I had sent her, of how many missed calls and voicemails I left her. She was unreachable. She gave me her spare key so when I tried visiting her apartment, it was empty. 

She was gone. 

And only the traces of her lingered in her apartment. Her unwashed mug with leftover stale coffee was on the kitchen counter, specks of lipstick staining the mouth. Dirty clothes hanging on her bathroom door, forgotten and unwashed. The peachy scent of her purifier that always latches on to her clothes whenever we go out. Her unread books on her coffee table, some dog eared and annotated. 

Everything that I love about her is here except for her and I miss her. 

For the next couple of days, I dodged the media and focused on training, playing and practicing. Those three over and over again. I tried to not think about her and lose sleep because of her. An athlete’s wellbeing is connected to quality sleep. 

But she was everywhere I went. Pieces of her were scattered all over the places I avoided, and it was my fault really, for bringing her to places we usually hid. For hoping that someday, the secrets we hid would be our stories to tell. Now I just let her memories rot inside my heart, where she should be. 

I thought it would be easier when you just let it slip by but the more days that passed without seeing her, the more I feel a gnawing pain in my heart. She had sucked all my sunlight and took it all away with her. 

I want her back. 

=====================================

My Answer is You

Eleven days. It took me nine days to realize running away was a bad idea. 

When I first got off the bus, I thought the place looked familiar. Turns out, I rode the bus to my hometown, to the very south and the last bus stop until it turned around to go back to the city. 

When I appeared in front of my mom–the first time in a long time–she had immediately said, “Did something in the city?”

The moment she asked, I broke down in tears. She shushed and consoled me while I cried like a little kid. Like the way I had bawled to her when my first boyfriend broke up with me, or when my love birds died from illness, the other from loneliness. 

It feels like I would die of loneliness, Mom. I had said.

Did he really say that? Did he tell you that it’s over? She cooed.

I was embarrassed to admit to my mom that no, Shohei had never told me anything because I had shut him out even before I could give him the chance. But what if that call was already the end of it all? What if answering his call meant exactly what I had thought. That would shatter me more. 

So, no, Mom, you can call your daughter a coward but in her heart, it’s all over. 

The next forty-eight hours at home was a blur. After feeding me with what feels like a day’s worth of homemade dishes, she made me wash the dishes, clean my old room, and the living room as well. And when that wasn’t enough, she made me go with her to the night market and bought whatever seafood she could find to feed me. 

Is this what you did when Dad left? I wanted to ask her. Did you go around acting as normal while nursing a wounded heart? Did you go all through that facade just to show me that you were strong for the both of us?

She had her back to me, her hands pale and creased with age, showing signs of passage of time and her hardwork to put me to school. I know she was trying to make me busy to keep my mind off of Shohei. I’m not sure if she fully understands the scandal but she was trying her best to keep my head above the water. Probably just like how she always did. 

I wish I was strong like you, Mom. 

On the fourth and fifth day, she had let me work under the sun harvesting corn. Which I absolutely despised. I had to wear sun hats and these jumpers to cover myself from the heat. 

“It’s cheap labor for letting you stay and eat my food,” she said when I complained. “Tomorrow, you’ll help me sell these at the market.”

As the days grew idly by, I’ve grown more accustomed to rising early and eating less meat and more vegetables. I willingly went out of the sun more to do housework, like hanging clothes, watering Mom’s plants, however, I was still not willing to harvest her vegetables, which she made me do a lot. When I say a lot, it means everyday since then. 

On the eleventh morning, I woke up earlier than usual and found my mom already awake. She busied herself with a cup of coffee. 

“Good morning, mom.” I yawned, grabbing my own mug. 

“After breakfast, pack your things and go back to the city.” She said quietly.

“Huh?” I’m not sure I heard her right. Is she kicking me out?

She pushed today’s newspaper into my hands and pointed at an article. An article shows a picture of Shohei smiling at the camera, behind him was a framed candid photo of me turning my head just in time when the camera clicked, I was wearing a sleeveless shirt, a shawl draped over my shoulders, and the wind blowing my hair and covering my face slightly. Just by looking at the photo, it looked like a time when Shohei and I drove to the beach. He had brought his camera and took a lot of photos. 

The article said, “Portfolio on Love: Shohei Ohtani’s Photographs Displayed for A Cause.”

“....and when the powerhouse athlete gets a day off, he plays around his camera and takes photos of anything, everywhere. He reveals Insider Today that for the first time ever, he is displaying his portfolio to the public at the Grand City Museum starting today until the 31st of the month, with the theme of “hello, love, are you there?”

“...’I don’t know how else to define love but this. I hope when the public sees this, they will instantly know that my photographs are a reflection of my love,’ he said.

“When asked if this was a confirmation to the rumors flying around recently, he just smiled sadly and said, "I'm hoping that this answers everyone’s questions, especially hers.”

“If your face is plastered on all of the newspapers, it wouldn’t make sense to stay here longer.” Mom said after a while. She had finished her breakfast and took them away to the sink.

“It doesn’t end well if you’re too afraid, my darling.” she said, not looking at me. “To love and to be hurt is to be brave. If it doesn’t work out after facing him, then by all means. Come home. My doors are always open for you. And I will feed you rice cakes while you harvest my corn.”

I couldn’t help but laugh. She wasn’t a hugger but welcomed my hug and patted me on the shoulders. “Now go, before all the chismosas wake up and corners you.”

I packed my bags and left home, my heart pieced back together. It was not wrong to go home and seek shelter. What I did wrong was leaving Shohei all alone when he took most of the fall. 

Five hours, one taxi ride, and a ten minute walk later, I arrived at the city museum, nervous, anxious, feeling a little lightheaded and hesitant. I wiped my sweaty palms and got inside. 

It was not as packed as I had expected, probably because it was a little over after lunch, though there was still a relatively big crowd overall. 

When I stepped into the hall featuring Shohei’s displays, I felt a surge of emotion. It was a collection of all the photographs of his loved ones. In a black and white collection, he had photographed his parents holding hands while walking in the snow, a photo of his dog sleeping idly on his couch, a photo of the football stadium in a wide angle shot, showing Ippei and the rest of his teammates playing a warm up game before practice. 

When I turned to a corner, that’s when I saw it. There were multiple frames hanging intricately on one side, showing all of the photos he took of me. One during university days, where I was showing him a strangely large eggplant during our photo walks at the market. There was another with me looking at him angrily for reasons I couldn’t remember, and a more recent one, in the middle, where he was holding my hand while I walked forward, back facing the camera. 

On the metal plate below were words that read in cursive: “2009–present. Moments of love that I hold dear.”

At that moment, tears had started rolling down my cheek and I couldn’t help but sob. The onlookers nearby started moving away, probably weirded out by the sudden burst of emotion over some piece of art.

They weren’t just pieces of art. These were moments when Shohei and I were together and maybe realized that it was love.

By then, someone on my left offered a handkerchief and I gingerly took it, wiping my tears-strewn face. I muttered an apology for ruining the fabric.

“This is not the first time someone cried in front of my photographs. Some were absolutely heartbroken after seeing them.” a man’s voice said. And that reeled me back as I turned around and saw Shohei standing in front me.

“I knew this would lure you back,” he said, smiling.

His face was a little gaunt and tired. He had dark circles around his eyes that I’ve never seen before. I could only look at him and he looked back. I had so many things I wanted to say to him, so many things I wanted to explain but he spoke first and said:

“Did you get a tan?” he started, raising an eyebrow.

“I-I was harvesting corn!” I said, covering my face with both hands. I didn’t even have the time to put on makeup or a swab of lipstick and that’s the first thing he notices.

He took my hands and held them tightly against his chest. “No one looks this beautiful even after harvesting corn.”

“Shut up,” I said looking away.

He tipped my chin and held my face. “Let’s start again, shall we?” 

I raised an eyebrow in question.

“Hi, my name is Shohei Ohtani. I’m an athlete and an amateur photographer sometimes. I’ve been in love with the girl in the photographs since forever.”

I managed a smile and laced my hands around his neck. “Hi, I’m a ceramics maker and sometimes, a farmer, you should see the corn I harvest. You look so familiar. I think you look like my future boyfriend.”

His eyes perked up and laughed at our silly little game. He went in for a kiss and I obliged, feeling safe and brave in his arms.

Let them take the damn photographs and write the articles all they want, but they could never take my sunshine away ever again. 

[bixgirl1]

Small update to say a few things:

First (and randomly), I love my commenters and bookmarkers. Y'all are srsly the best lol. Occasionally, I'll get a comment on something and just moon over it, and it spurs me to work on one of my WIPs. Even more occasionally, I'll realize I haven't checked the bookmarks for that (whichever) fic in a while, and god we're a wild group of readers. I just saw one tagged "shame basement," and started laughing uncontrollably.

Secondly, yes, I'm here and alive lol (but ty all for the sweetness of ur check-ins). Things have been...weird, and decidedly hard, since lockdown, and even though that was years back, now - god it rlly was, wasn't it? 😬 - I'm still sort of working my way back to being able to do the things I was doing before then. And I have the bad habit of going to ground when things are rough, so I'm rlly sorry for any concern. But yeah, I'm here, and I haven't abandoned any fics, they're just...slow to finish lol. Like me, they're WIPs. ❤

[wellfine]

do you sell merch / prints of your work at all? and related, do you attend any conventions? Supanova was recently held in Melbourne and I was really hoping for One Piece art but there wasn't much :,((

I had an online store for a while but it was hard to restock everything during lockdowns, and I've been meaning to restock it & open it back up again but haven't gotten around to it! I'll be sure to post about it here when I do, so keep your eyes peeled!

I used to do local cons (only within South Australia) but didn't have time to do it the last couple of years. I'm planning on getting back into it next year though and maybe traveling interstate for some of the bigger cons, which would be exciting! You would be in luck because I usually just make prints of art I've already finished, which means my table is like 90% One Piece, LOL. It's always so much fun because the One Piece fans get excited since, you're right, there isn't as much OP art at Artist Alleys these days! So I always have some fun conversations and see some cool cosplay.

I was thinking of expanding my repertoire next year, though, so if any of you have series you'd like to see me make prints/merch for, you can let me know in the replies here. :-)

[vidavalor]

Random ? but do you think the bookshop has a bath? I know they're magical but they love everything else "human" that's nice so...

PS This isn't Shax (LOL)

Surrrre, it isn't... 😂 To answer your question: Yes. For sure. Like you said, they like nice experiences. Plus, fish live for the water. 🐟

I actually think there's a semi-indirect reference to the bookshop having a shower/bath in S1 in the Bentley scene on the way back from Tadfield. More on that and some other bath-related, wordplay things about ducks and fomenting under the cut.

In S1, Aziraphale had teased Crowley a bit in the car on the way to Tadfield in the "Seeds of Destruction" scene. In the car on the way back from Tadfield, Crowley teases back by suggestively finishing the duck idiom he pretended to forget in the diner. (See also: the pretending to forget the past tenses of "smite" in S2 to flirt with Aziraphale in the "smitten" scene). Ducks seem to have a couple of different metaphorical levels on GO but one level is the Ineffable Husbands' sexually euphemistic one.

Crowley, driving the speed limit 😂, taking his time getting home, while enacting some playful revenge for the drive up by suggesting to his favorite duck that they play in the water together when they get home:

C: "Ducks!" A: "What about ducks?" C:

This could be presumed to be one of Aziraphale's favorite activities since the demon is bringing it up for the angel to think about for allllll the way back on the now very, very, long-seeming car ride home...

....and it is working, apparently😂, as this is Aziraphale:

Don't mind the cranky angel-- he's just desperately trying not to picture water sliding off his naked duck partner in their shower and can now think of nothing else... His paralleling gene to her got activated, apparently:

There's also a reference to self-love in an aquatic setting in the bookshop in GO: Lockdown. Another one of you asked me to do a thing on Lockdown so more in that when I do but, yeah, I think there's a bath in the bookshop.

There's also one, other bit of wordplay that is also on this theme a bit, which is the frumenty/foment/ferment confusion in the 597 A.D. scene.

When they meet up as knights in that scene, Aziraphale asks what Crowley is playing at and he says he's been "spreading foment", which is true-- it means to stir up discord and trouble. Aziraphale mishears him and replies: "Is that some kind of porridge?" which is a reference to frumenty, a kind of porridge from that era. What's funny about this is that it's really obvious that the answer to what Crowley has been up to when he's standing there flanked by mercenaries and they're all wearing body armor is not "eating this new porridge, angel" but Aziraphale is more concerned with looking for the subtext of what Crowley is saying and his mind takes it to a food euphemism while trying to see where Crowley is going with this. Adding to the confusion is that both frument/frumenty and foment also sound like ferment, which also can be used to say you're stirring up trouble... but it also means to make alcohol, which is euphemistic for sex to them.

Crowley redirects from the porridge, etc. confusion by clarifying which of these words he's saying by giving its definition in the sentence. He mentions that King Arthur has been spreading too much peace and tranquility and he's been working to counter that-- "ya know, fomenting"-- so that Aziraphale knows which of the words he's trying to bring up. The reason why it matters is that the other definition of foment is to apply warm water and/or types of soothing lotions or oils to ease inflammation in the body and help a person relax. He's offering Aziraphale a healing bath/massage situation. Considering they're each barely able to walk under three tons of steel, hard to imagine Aziraphale didn't go for that idea. The bookshop was likely designed with spreading some foment in mind.

[elinaline]

since it's encouraged to, here's an ask: what can you tell us bout zbra fish? why are they similar to our tumblr's activity modes? (if no one asked before because you can mark me as intrigued!)

Ok so this is from my neurosciences final back in early 2020 (which happened on the Thursday the french government announced it would implement a lockdown the following Monday to limit SARS COV 2 propagation...) and not only is my memory not so good, there's been a lot more literature on the subject since then BUT that being said

Zebrafish are translucent and tiny and with a not too complex brain (and the ethics committee papers aren't to hard to get for them) so they are used as a "model" (I hate the biologists' definition for model btw) for basic neuroscience. For my neuroscience final we were reviewing a paper where they had put a zebra fish in a small flat tank with a camera below, and had put optoelectronics probes in its brain, so they could track both its movement and its cerebral activity. Turned out that there was some interesting correlation between the two and basically zebra fish have like three modes of function which are "exploration" where they swim around seemingly randomly without interacting much with their environment, mapping out the tank –that's lurking; "hunting" with faster more focused swimming to go get the food where they know it is, and are hyper alert –posting and communicating; and a sort of in between mode with the sale brain pattern as hunting but the same behavior as exploration.

I'm trying to find the paper from my memory of the exam but it seems it really spawned a whole field and there's been hundreds published since 2020 lol

[paladin-of-nerd-fandom65]

Cool answers, happy super early valentine day lol ❤️ got some more for you! :D

1: are they fans of the Super Bowl/puppy bowl or just like to watch the new commercials?

2: in your universe, will zod ever be redeemed, like maybe teaming up with his son against a massive invasion from darkseid or mongul & maybe sacrifice his life for his son, or is zod just plain bad?

3: this maybe a little dark, but have the duo been in a terrifying scenario before, like a school pew-pewing?

4: what is one thing they would do for a million dollars?Like brush their teeth & then drink orange juice.

5: how would their lives be if they didn’t meet or at least not 1st best friends?

6: I think I ask this already but are much are they a hugger on a scale of 1-10?

As you can tell, my universe is ready for questioning if you want to ask me anything? Asks are open ;)

1) Oh easy….its about the ads especially for whatever new movies or video games are coming out that year the Duo focus on. Though every now and then it can be an ad not related to those things which also gets their attention. A prime example being that time Dr Evil took over General Motors.

2) Probably he can take a similar Omni Man direction in trying to find some redemption for the errors of his ways though even Zod might know deep down he might never truly receive that forgiveness from Chris for the years of harsh treatment dished out since basically the latter’s birth. Perhaps uneasy alliances against worse threats including Xa Du and Darkseid between Zod and his son’s adoptive family can occur to which Chris then earns Zod’s respect as a worthy soldier for his own cause (Truth & Justice) which can be a small step on the massive mountain climb that is full reconciliation.

(More below the cut as the answer for Question 3 might be heavy handed)

3) Oh My yes they have. Mainly for Jake, an incident like that at his school occurred during what was an average day. Suddenly during Pre Algebra, loud banging noises sounding like whip cracks were heard down Bludhaven Academy’s hallways so his teacher took the time trying to investigate but thankfully got out of the perpetrator’s way and had his class go into lockdown mode. The issue was that unfortunately, the perpetrator was a recent grad from this school who knew about said lockdown so they weren’t easily fooled, blasting through the door’s locks. The amount of shots fired and bullets spraying all over that classroom can only bang loudly in Jake’s ears as much as his eyes can see one by one some of his classmates try making a run for it either past the attacker or through the window, only to catch their aim and get mercilessly hit by said bullets. Finally, it took a clever distraction from Meredith who risked getting into the aiming sights did Jake finally act, using his acrobatics and a wooden measuring ruler found on the red crimson fluid soaked floors as an impromptu escrima stick to knock the weapon out of the attacker’s hand and knock them out cold, ending the rampage.

In all, 45 total lives, including about 2/3 of Jake’s algebra class, were lost to this incident, and out of those 45, 41 of them were all below the age of 18. Needless to say, Meredith and Jake had to ask extensive permission not to be counted as heroes in this case (in addition to Bruce and Dick lobbying hard with the news media not to reveal any details about the attacker and their background prior to this incident) as that would distract from the real tragedy and the actions needed to prevent such from ever happening again. The hashtag #BludhavenAcademyBrave or #BAB for short trending very quickly the very next day, complimented by Chris and Jake having a blue and white armband with that shortened hashtag as Nightwing and Skybird respectively.

4) Money isn’t always a factor of concern for them since not only are they happy with the lives they do have but there’s also the small elephant in the room that is Mr. Owner of the Third Largest Corporation in the DCU, Gotham’s Prince Playboy Bruce Wayne being their ally and a factor to it. But if they have to earn a million dollars, I can see Chris and Jake attempting a feat that breaks world records of a sort or participate in many Japanese game shows. A popular one in real life that was around in the 80s was called Za Gaman (‘Endurance’) where its contestants would endure some of the nastiest, most punishing and messed up types of challenges imaginable ranging from being tied to a paddle steamer’s engine, dunking back and forth into the water or eating ice cream while buried neck deep in the snow. That I can see the Duo doing for a Million US dollars.

5) Chris and Jake without ever meet each other would be frankly in much more sadder and less fulfilling lives as they would not have as strong of a drive for adventure beyond just doing so due to their respective families and in Jake’s case with other friend and his Big Sis’ friends doing so. It’s likely Jake might’ve quit the hero business altogether even after his powers came in some time later and trying living a normal civilian life while Chris only really goes into hero duties if he was accompanying Jon. So overall, a lot more would change in ways neither one want to really think about

6) Chris: 8 on good days and 9 on days he feels off and needs a hug for comfort. Though he’d only go for it if he’s given a form of permission

Jake: 10 easily. Both Mar’i and him frankly. It’s a family thing, coming from Kory of course XD

Thanks for these asks as always @pin-crusher2000

It’s very appreciative and yes you can be expecting questions for your universe in due time ;-)

[gothicbarbie]

MY TOP 15 BL’S OF 2020

WOW, 2020 was A YEAR. This was hard ranking these but I'll try my best...

1. Where Your Eyes Linger [Korean] - One of my all time favorite series, I think because I really felt the chemistry between the actors in this one. I love the whole bodyguard sort of trope as well and the writing in this was so well done imo. I loved the tension filled moments and build up between the two. I just wanted moreeeee.

2. I Told Sunset About You [Thai] - Season 2 was iffy but season 1 was AMAZING from start to finish. I felt like I watching a movie. The writing, the scenery, the build up for the main pair... it was all so well done.

3. Color Rush [Korean] - The storyline for this BL is just so fun, I really loved the entire premise of this world. The chemistry between the two was nice and Korea does such a good job of building up the connection between their pairings. I'm sad that season 2 dipped a bit in quality and that season 1 felt a tad unfinished, but I still really enjoyed it.

4. Why R U [Thai] - This was a well done BL that was fun, I enjoyed the chemistry between Saint and Zee and I didn't find the drama or the angst overwhelmingly frustating. Plus it had a nice side ship and I liked the love scenes too.

5. 2gether [Thai] - I know people love this one, and I really enjoyed it too. It's perfect for those with a sweet tooth. There are some really great affectionate/sweet moments betweeen the main pairing. It was also the first BL I ever watched (if you don't count waterboyyy way back in the day lol) so it has a soft spot in my heart. But I do think it was a tad too safe for me. I prefer my BL's to have angstier/hotter moments throughout. The ending kiss made up for things, but it was unreastic to not have a proper kiss beore that. JMO.

6. Manner of Death [Thai] - I saw a gif of maxtul from this on tumblr and it's what originally got me into BL's. It spiked my interest. I see those two as the grandfathers of BL because they have been in so many things together, and their connection is so strong. I enjoyed this one a lot because it was a more mature series, and had it's own vibe/feel to it that I really appreciated.

7. TharnType Season 2 [Thai] - Season 2 wasn't as strong as season 1 for me but it was still enjoyable. I was really into Mew/Gulf and their chemistry when I first started watching BL's because it felt so genuine to me, and T+T was one of the first shows to really push the boundaries with the intimacy. Solid season.

8. Your Name Engraved Herein [Taiwan] - This was such a beautiful movie, with a positive ending, and I really loved watching it. It was depressng at times, but overall I just think it was so well done.

9. Mr. Heart [Korean] - Recently rewatched this series and it was so good! So fun and enjoyable. Loved the storyline, it felt pretty unique. I enjoyed the connection between the main two. What brings it down for me a bit is some of the physical moments in the series, like when one of them would hit the other... not for me. But overall, I could look past some of things because I enjoyed the rest of it.

10. Cherry Magic [Japan] - Such a cute and fun series, and definitely one of the most memorable ones for Japan. I had a bit of an issue with the intimacy stuff (they really couldn't even peck on the lips once??? It felt too platonic to me at times) but that aside, it was well written and a great watch.

11. Boy’s Lockdown [Filo] - This is actually my favorite of all the "quarantine" related series we got after Covid. To me, it was cute and fun and we got to see the main two come together in a nice and organic way. It was a good mix of different content.

12. Gaya Sa Pelikula [Filo] - Some cheesey/annoying moments for me, mostly regarding the sister character, but the rest of the series was nicely done. It also sort of felt like a mini movie. It has a slightly different vibe for me from other Filo series. I enjoyed it a lot.

13. Wish You [Korea] - Not my ultimate favorite series from Korea but it was well done. Wish I had more to say about it haha. But it was good.

14. Hello Stranger [Filo] - Another quarantine related story, and for a "web series" where the characters never really met til the end, it was really enjoyable. It was a great depiction of what students were going through during covid and I liked the way they went from scene to scene and did different interactions.

15. Because of You [Taiwan] - Def. some low/cheesey moments in this one as well but it was the first Taiwan series that I saw, so I enjoyed how different it felt compared to the other countries. Taiwan definitely has it's own style too. I liked that there were three couples in this one, and I enjoyed all three storylines.

Honorary Mentions: I'm not going into details with any of these series, overall I found parts of them enjoyable, but there were things I didn't love overall. But still worth checking out.

Korea: Craving You

Japan:Life: Love on the Line, HIS

Filo: My Day, Gameboys, Quaranthings, Cheat the Series

Thai: Gen Y, Present Still Perfect, Ingredients, En of Love, My Engineer, Saifahzon, My Gear Your Gown

Also check out my lists from other years! https://gothicbarbie.tumblr.com/post/705678223200174080/my-top-bls-of-2019-and-earlier https://gothicbarbie.tumblr.com/post/705227666795741184/my-top-15-bl-series-of-2021 https://gothicbarbie.tumblr.com/post/705139242020618240/my-top-20-bl-series-of-2022

[01zfan]

I LOVE YOUR NEW CHURCHBOY!ANTON POST

I love the way you write so much, I think I've said it before but just a little reminder of how great you are 🙈

I was about to ask, does Anton usually wear a condom? I mean, he asked her if she wants a child so...

Also, I love the way you described it, I don't know if maybe you thought about it for this chapter, but I've seen sooo many cases of young church couples having children (and I mean pretty young, most of them 17/18), so my other question was, did you? Do you think they'll have a child still being young? I think their parents would be fuming if they did, but I don't think it would make Anton stop being a believer, omg, would their parents make them get married? Because that's what usually happens, I have so many questions for this story, I love it!!!!

hi anon! thanks for being so invested in understanding my faith lol i wrote it as a one-shot and didn't even think about all those things you mentioned. but now you bring it up you got me thinking hard.

in alot of relationships where religion is involved they don't use protection like their form of contraceptive is praying seriously LMFAO. also i kind of imagined both anton and the reader as kind of naive. the whole reason they started sleeping together in the first place was to get a closer relationship with god and understand what faith/worship is. when you really think about it, it's very childish and naive. what the two are actually doing is having unprotected sex under the guise of worshipping god. i see them as two young people who have no tact when it comes to the real world outside of church. they also kind of developed a type of relationship where they see the other as a god/holy figure so i imagine them not even thinking they could get pregnant, or if they did they wouldn't grasp the severity of the situation.

if she were to get pregnant oh their parents would be pissed. i'm not even sure how the parents would find out, maybe someone catches them doing something in the church and word spreads like wildfire. i imagined the readers parents to kind of mirror anton and the readers relationship. they were young couple in the church, the dad following the path of his family by being a bible thumper while the mom became the "nonbeliever" (i considered her to just be someone who wanted out of the oppressive nature of the church). i imagine they had the reader at a young age and got married because of it, eventually divorcing because of belief systems and just the overwhelming feelings the readers mom had in regards to the church.

i come from a town where that was the case alot of the times. teen marriages to cover up premarital sex in a very religious area. i think that anton's parents would sit down with both of them and give them a few choices. either get married and have the baby or get an abortion and never see eachother again. i can see anton's parents leaning very hard into the first choice. anton has a promising future and he can't ruin it by becoming a teen/young dad. i think it would make anton even more of a believer, thinking he's been blessed to be the father of the child. i can definitely see anton having a moment of defying his parents and getting married to the reader. he'd come to her in the dead of night, sneaking her out of her dad's house (because she's on lockdown after he finds out). anton would talk about doing whatever it takes to support his family, how his parents would eventually come around. the reader would nod her head and say okay, anton would take her back home and start planning out their future together.

but anton would be so heartbroken when the reader would leave town. that was something that also happened where i grew up, girls would get pregnant and then be shipped off to some distant relative. i can see her going back to live with her mom, learning about secular life and why her mother never reached out or fought against the court to get custody of her. anton's parents would be relieved you were gone but anton would become a recluse, completely withdrawing from life. he would definitely come to the readers father begging to know where she is. i can see anton writing letters, saying how much he misses her and how he's going to marry her in the future. i truly think the reader would end up having the child and waiting for anton because of the faith she still has in him.

see this is why i have to write one-shots because i'll end up writing a whole screenplay about my fics if i think too much about them. also a song that reminds me of understanding my faith is jackie and wilson by hozier that song is so them forrealllll

[silver-violet]

The Panic

WARNING: CONTAINS SAFE VORE AND G/T, IF YOU DON'T LIKE IT, DON'T READ Quick little vore story I wrote late at night lol. Characters from left to right are Phestus, Glacius, Sam, and Frost.

Tiny bit of backstory: Phestus was once obsessed with improving himself, but is now trying to reform with the help of the two brothers glacius and Frost, and their friend Sam. The three don't. really trust him yet, as he has tried to kill them in the past, but are still trying to help however they can.

Phestus paced back and forth, circling the hotel room he was in. Glacius, Frost, and Sam had left hours ago for a mission and had yet to return. While this wasn't unusual, it had been longer than normal, and he was growing worried. The three had gone on a mission to retrieve some of his old documents, leaving him behind in case he was recognized. However, he had told them the safest way in and out, and shouldn't have taken this long. He muttered to himself, tapping his finger rhythmically as he did so. 

Another hour passed like this, and Phestus was beginning to form a plan to chase them before he heard a quiet tap at the window. He froze for a second, unsure what to do. His eyes were locked on the window, waiting for any movement beyond the curtain as his lens' focused and narrowed. a few quiet, uneasy seconds passed before there was another tap, this time more frantic. His arm hissed and shifted as he approached, ready for an attack as he carefully pulled back the curtain. On the other side was Sam, alone and looking around frantically. Phestus immediately opened the window, with Sam skittering inside quickly. The cyborg backed up slightly, giving the borrower space as he calmed himself down. 

"W-What happened? Where are Glacius and Frost???" he asked worriedly, looking at the borrower with concern. He had been careful to dim his lights and widen his lens, hoping to give off a less unsettling appearance. 

"I. . . . They. . . ." He huffed, trying to catch his breath after rushing back. "They got caught. T-The place was on lockdown but they still tried to get in. I. . . .He told me to run. . ." Sam looked down, ashamed to have run away. Though he knew he wouldn't have won, it hurt his pride to not even try, but he knew glacius wouldn't want him to get caught too. 

"WHAT?!?!" Phestus squawked, his eyes widening as he stood up. Sam shuffled away slightly at this, watching as he began pacing. 

"No No I-I checked the network right before they left, they couldn't have gone into a lockdown that quickly. . There were no mentions of it! I. . . . ." he continued mumbling to himself, as Sam took the chance to sit down for a minute. He went over the mission in his head, the both of them confused about what had gone wrong. "The logs were fine, there wasn't even anything of worth there! Unless. . . ." He went still, his lens constricting as Sam heard quiet whirring coming from the man. 

"They knew someone was in their files" Phestus spat, pacing once more as his lens' reopened. His pacing grew slower and more forceful, his cane knocking against the ground loudly. Sam stood up, backing away anxiously as the man's demeanor changed. "H-hey, maybe you shouldn't uh-" he stammered, looking at him wearily. Phestus snapped his head towards him, stopping in place. Sam only grew more worried with the man's attention on him, ready to flee if he made a move. 

"I. . . . . ." the man wavered, seeing the borrower's reaction to him. He quickly looked away, taking a deep breath before continuing. "I-I'm sorry it's just. *Frustrating* that this is how we found out they were onto us. Though I suppose there wasn't a way to know ahead of time. . ." he sighed, walking towards his bag as he rifled through it. 

"W- What are you looking for?" Sam cautiously asked, glad the man hadn't gotten out of hand. Without Frost or glacius, he was virtually defenseless if the man went haywire, a fact he was very aware of. Phestus didn't respond, simply pulling out a small hard drive and storing it in his coat pocket. He began towards the door, pausing as his hand hovered near the handle.

"Do you want to go get them back?" he asked, angling his head towards Sam. He held out his hand, though didn't approach the small man. Sam didn't respond, simply flying over and settling in the man's hand. He was still tense, careful watching the man as he slipped him inside his chest pocket. Phestus opened the door, making his way outside as he pulled his hood over his face.

Under the cover of night, the two managed to make their way to the edges of the city unnoticed, the company building coming within sight as phestus rounded the corner. Sam anxiously watched from the man's chest pocket, poking his head out as they grew nearer. Phestus glanced at the windows of the building, huffing as he saw the glare of metal blast doors beyond. While he had been lacking in running his company, he had made sure they had a very strict security protocol. Which he now regretted. Soon, Phestus had made his way to a back entrance, having to avoid the security cameras around the perimeter. 

"Are you really sure you can get in?" Samuel whispered, nervously looking around the quiet roads.

"Hehehe...I'm sure I can get in. Getting out, however. . .*" The man smiled as his left arm began to shift, his finger coming apart while wires forced themselves out. They wriggled into the door in front of him, quickly unlocking it as he carefully slid inside. The door hissed shut behind him, resealing itself quietly as he made his way deeper inside. The hallways were seemingly never-ending, with rooms to match. To Sam it was all a blur, though phestus navigated it unfalteringly, almost running as he did so. As they continued, Phestus stopped in his tracks, realizing that the main room was between him and the holding cells. He heard people approaching, cursing as he slinked into a room. Sam fluttered out of his pocket, landing on a shelf nearby as the cyborg locked the door behind them. 

"How do we get through there without being noticed?" Sam asked, his fear returning. Phestus didn't look at him, tapping his fingers as he responded

"We can't, But I-I can Make it through with my status. Though I'm not sure if it'll be safe for you. . ." 

"What do you mean?"

"The holding cells have security in and out of it, the guards would be able to see you in my pocket, if not on the machines." He admitted, his eyes flitting about as he tried to think of a solution. "Plus the second I reveal myself, they'll be watching me like vultures." He went silent, an inkling of a thought beginning to form in his head

"Is there really no other way to the cells? I-I can't just stay here. . ." Sam urged, a nervous look on his face. 

"I know just. . .give me a second to think. . ." He muttered, trying to come up with anything. Same sighed, beginning to sit down before the two were interrupted by someone trying the door handle. The two froze, quickly whispering to each other.

"What do we do? If they see me we're in trouble!"

"I-I don't know, I just need a minute. . ."

"We don't have a minute! They're gonna start getting suspicious!"

"I know! I-I'm trying to-"

He was cut off by a voice from the other side, still shaking the door as she asked. 

"Hello? Is someone in there? We're taking role again, you need to come out." Phestus cursed under his breath, freezing as a solution came into his head. He slowly turned to Sam, knowing the man was almost guaranteed to reject it. 

"I-I-I could-"

He went silent as the lady walked away, and the two heard her talking to someone nearby. Phestus realized they were out of time, and before same could react, he snatched him up. Same didn't respond for a moment, shocked, before beginning to try and free himself. 

"What are you doing?! We need to-" He was cut off by the man, a look of guilt in his eyes. 

"S-Sorry. . ." he whispered, before opening his jaw and quickly shoving the poor man inside. Sam immediately began thrashing more violently, shouting as he was dropped inside. 

"PHESTUS, DON'T. PLEASE, WE CAN-" he was cut off as the man tilted his head back, swallowing. The feeling was foreign to phestus, a motion he hadn't done in decades. He winced as he felt the small man struggling, trying to get this over with as quickly as possible. He swallowed awkwardly again, this time managing to pull the borrower deeper inside. He hesitated as he heard keys jingling in the door, swallowing more harshly as the man slipped into his esophagus. 

Sam tried his best to slow his descent, though it was for nothing as he felt himself sinking further and further down. Phestus swallowed a final time, feeling Sam land safely in his gut, the door in front of him opening at almost the same time. A man and a woman stood in the doorway, the man donning a guard's uniform. 

"Alright, who's-. . .o-oh. . ." he stammered staring wide-eyed at phestus. The woman was equally shocked, the pair frozen. Phestus broke the silence, careful to keep his voice quiet so as to not deafen Sam "What are you two staring at?" he hissed, trying to sound as harsh as he could. It was hard for him to focus on the facade as he felt the man inside of him squirming and trying to free himself. It was believable enough for the two of them though, and the woman began to stammer. 

"W-We didn't know you were coming anytime soon. W-With the building on lockdown and everything. . ." she trailed off, unable to find an excuse. The guard pushed her aside, making a path for phestus as he marched toward them. The light behind his lens took an orange tint to them instead of their natural yellow, and constricted, focusing the light.

"And who ordered this search, eh?" 

 "I'-I'm so sorry sir! I thought s-someone was trying to hide in here and I. . ." Phestus huffed at this, making his way past the man toward the main room. He was acutely aware of the eyes on him, an arm held to his stomach as he entered. The room fell almost dead silent as he did so, with the staff simply staring at him as he made his way through. Carefully making his way down the stairs, he walked straight through the center of the room, trying to ignore the sensation inside of him. His breath suddenly hitched as Sam kicked one of his more sensitive spots, making the man wince slightly in pain, though none around him seemed to notice. Before he was even halfway across the room, people were whispering among themselves, though made well sure to stay out of his path. He tried to tune out their voices, though could only do so much when he was surrounded by them. Going as quickly as he could, he hoped to reach the security checkpoints with no more incidents.

As Sam felt himself drop into Phestus' stomach, true panic set into the poor borrower. His hand flew to his belt, searching for his sword. His panic worsened as he realized he had left it with glacius, leaving him completely defenseless. Sam shot up, trying to climb his way back out to no avail. His mind was filled with memories of what had happened last time, ears twitching at the thought. Phestus had been noticeably less harsh this time, however, though just as rushed. Neither mattered to Sam, as he just wanted to free himself before anything happened. He took a deep breath, readying himself to shout.  

"PLEASE LET ME OUT! I-I'M SORRY FOR W-WHATEVER I DID JUST LET ME OUT!!!" he shouted, though there was no response. He could hear muffled voices outside, and covered his ears as he heard phestus begin to speak. Luckily for him, it was nowhere near as loud as it had been the first time, though was still as terrifying.  He soon tried to climb out again, though was knocked down as he began moving. Same resorted to simply thrashing about, hoping it would irritate the man enough to free him. He seemed unfazed for a while, though eventually his foot hit something. . .diffirent. It felt softer and more tender, and the hit elicited a flinch from the man, though he tried to hide it. Sam suddenly remembered the small flashlight glacius had given him, and pulled it off his belt, turning it on. The flesh around him was pale, and almost white, save for two spots. The esophagus above him seemed red and irritated, along with a strange scar near the sides. It looked almost like enough esophagus, though smaller and more irregular. Same winced, realizing it was most likely the entrance to his feeding tube. He shuddered as he turned off the light, hoping that if he at least irritated it enough he would be freed. 

Phestus' breathing grew rather shaky as he rushed down the hallways, trying to suppress the nausea rising in his chest. He knew Sam would be upset with what he did, but he hadn't realized his internal weakness. The pain was unlike any he had felt before, and was hard to ignore, especially while being watched. Once he was out of sight of prying eyes, phestus made his way into another secluded room, locking it behind him and backing away from the door as his breathing worsened. 

"S-Sam p-please stop. I-I was trying t-to hide you a-and-" His voice was tense and clipped, the man now holding his stomach tightly

"THEN LET ME OUT!!!" Sam yelled, continuing his assault. though he wouldn't admit it, he was growing tired and was glad his plan seemed to be working. 

"I-I can't, t-they'll see you a-and there's n-no other w-way t-to hide you. . ."

"This isn't any better! you do realize I won't be safe in here forever right?!"

sam argued, trying his best to keep most of his body off the ground. His mind began to wander, before snapping back as he spoke.

"I-If you're w-worried about a-acids, m-my body d-doesn't produce any. . . .I r-removed the glands y-years ago. . ." He pleaded, still trying to suppress his nausea. Sam stopped upon hearing this, giving phestus a moment to catch his breath.

"W-what?"

"I re-removed them decades ago. with the feeding tube, I-I didn't need them," he repeated, glad the man had finally calmed down. though his stomach was still aching, it was easier to deal with without being aggravated. 

"O-oh...." trailing off, Sam realized that he had yet to feel any burning, though was too busy panicking to notice. He shifted around, Feeling guilty for hurting them man "I didn't know...I...Sorry..."

"I understand," he said softly, simply glad the man was no longer scared. Eventually, he went back into the hallway, swiftly heading towards the cell block once more. Once near security, he began tapping his hand anxiously, though tried to appear confident as he walked towards them.

"Badge and reason p-" the man started, before looking up and realizing who was in front of him. "O-Oh! Go right ahead sir, I apologize. . ." the man quickly looked towards his monitor, hoping to avoid eye contact the the cyborg as he made his way towards him. Phestus anxiously held a hand to his stomach as he walked through, hoping his plan would work. The room was silent for a minute as the images loaded, filling him with anxiety. 

"A-all clear, go right ahead" the guard confirmed, still staring at his monitor. Phestus nodded, continuing deeper into the facility. The Hallways here were wider, with every other door replaced by a clear glass cell. after walking past countless cells, Phestus slowed upon seeing two cells at the end of the hallway. The one on the left held Glacius, glaring at the glass in front of him as he fiddled with his empty holster. To his right was Frost, quietly sitting in his cell with his knees to his chest. Before phestus got much closer, Glacius snapped his head towards him, shooting up and quickly pressing against the glass. He tried to tell him something, though no sound made it past the barrier. Frost quickly followed, a frown coming across his face as he stood up. The cyborg approached the controls nearby, his left arm shifting once more as wires snaked their way into the panel. The brother's cells quickly opened, the two of them rushing phestus. Frost was the first to speak, fear on his face.

"How did you make it in here without getting caught?" Phestus didn't respond for a second, nervously looking at glacius before answering.

"I, uh. . .technically got caught. . .B-But it's okay! T-They didn't realize what I was doing! So we're fine!" Glacius' face turned cold at this, as he hissed. 

". . .And how do you suppose we get out without them noticing now?"

"Hey, he got us out at least. That's something, right?" Frost quickly interjected, hoping to distract his brother before he lashed out at either of them.

". . .Sure," glacius sighed, his shoulders relaxing a bit before his eyes flew open.

"Where's Sam???" Phestus clammed up at the question, unprepared to answer as the two stared at him. 

"I-Uh-Um-. . .I-I left him at the hotel! But I locked the doors, s-so he should be fine!" He said nervously, trying to avoid eye contact with the two.

"What??? you left him Alone in a random hotel room???" Glacius spat, quickly storming down the hallway as the two others followed. Frost gave him an apologetic look, before catching up with his brother and whispering to him. Phestus hesitated for a second, before joining the two of them and leading them down the hallways. The way out was easier than in, and the three of them were out within mere minutes. Soon, the ground had made it to Glacius' car, climbing inside before they sped away. Phestus was still nervously tapping his fingers, worried about what would happen once they arrived back at the hotel room. The time came sooner than he thought, and phestus nervously got out as glacius unlocked their door. He had been silent the whole time over, only breaking it once the hotel door was closed behind the three of them. 

". . .Sam?" Glacius called, looking around the room for any signs of his friend. He was met with only silence, as Frost and Phestus stood still. he continued to call out, his voice growing more worried the longer he went on. Frost began to help him search, with the two soon realizing he was nowhere to be found. 

"Phestus, if Sam got lost because of you, so help me. . ." he growled, glaring at the man. Phestus began to crack, looking away as glacius got closer to him. 

". . .You know something don't you?. . .Phestus, where is he?" The cyborg backed away uncomfortable, quickly mumbling excuses as glacius got in his face. Eventually, he broke, quickly blurting out the truth.

". . . I-I may have ᵉᵃᵗᵉⁿ ʰⁱᵐ﹖" He trailed off, nervously looking at glacius while he was frozen in shock. 

"You. . .WHAT?" Glacius bellowed, grabbing the man by the collar and slamming him into the floor. Frost began to try and separate the two, but quickly backed away once glacius pulled out his dagger. 

"You lying bastard. . . " Glacius hissed, leaning in closely to his face. "If you don't spit him out, so help me god, I'm gonna gut you like a pig" Frost tried to calm him down, though was nervously glancing at Phestus as he spoke. 

"H-hey listening Glacius, m-maybe he didn't m-mean to. . right?" he looked at the cyborg with a mix of hope and disgust, hoping he would take back his words. 

"Oh, he better hope so" Glacius tightened his grip on his dagger, his glare almost as cold as the steel upon the man's torso. 

"I-I can explain p-please! I was t-trying to help hi-" he was quickly interrupted, wincing as he felt the knife being pressed into his flesh

"How the hell would that help?! Did you forget what you've done to him before?"

"N-No! I just-"

"Spit him out. Last chance." 

". . .A-Alright. . ." Phestus swallowed nervously, before forcing Sam back through his throat. Almost as soon as he was free, glacius grabbed him, checking him over worriedly. he soon stood up, going to the bath to wash Sam off. Phestus carefully stood, noticing the look of disdain from Frost. Soon, Glacius and Sam exited the bathroom, the look of fury having left the man's face. Sam went to sit next to Frost, the two whispering as Glacius approached Phestus.

"He...told me what happened" he quietly admitted, sitting down next to him. 

"I-I'm sorry, I know I-I shouldn't have-" He was cut off by glacius sighing, holding his head in his hands. 

"No no I. . .I get why you did it it's just. . ." he paused, turning to face him.

"I'm sorry for getting upset with you, you were just trying to help him. . ."

"O-Oh. . ." Phestus was unsure how to respond, expecting another berating from the man. "I. . .uh. . .y-you're welcome. . ."

"Just. Try not to do it again, Okay? Or at least warn one of us. . ." He nodded, just glad he had escaped unscathed. Glacius left once more, avoiding him for the rest of the night. He also noticed that Frost had stopped looking at him with such disgust, and it was instead curious glances here and there. 

Later that night, while glacius was asleep, same came over to talk to phestus, looking apologetic as he sat nearby. 

"I'm sorry for how glacius was acting early. . .and for messing you up inside but. . .thank you for, y'know, trying to help me. " he chuckled

"I-It's fine. . .I apologize f-for not warning you. . ." Phestus stuttered, looking at the ground. Though the others had tried to smooth things over, he still felt bad for scaring the three of them. Same sighed, gently patting his hand before gliding away. Phestus eventually drifted off to sleep, still wracked with guilt as he nodded off.

[chuckabeth]

I don’t know why I’ve suddenly been imbued with the audacity of actually writing a real tumblr post instead of just reglobbing but um

On behalf of myself and all immunocompromised people

PLEASE GET YOUR SHOTS THIS SEASON

Please

I didn’t used to exempt myself from seasonal vaccines. I don’t even want to, I don’t even like it. But my body’s defenses and reactions are so frail and inflamed that if I take the shot, I will get sick. Really sick. Probably weeks of real pain and illness and slow recovery overreacting to the vaccine, and it will cost me my grades, my social life, my mental health, and that’s when a billion different logistical and health hurdles are already threatening my tenuous hold on those things as it is. I have to work so hard, and make decisions so, so carefully just to maximize the possibility that I’ll hopefully! Hopefully. Be well. Or at least well enough.

I have misunderstood and untreatable autoimmune disease(s) that have (in all likelihood) damaged my organs and decreased my ability to digest food and absorb vitamins on my own. I’m already in so much pain and fatigue every day that I (thank the Lord that I have this resource) use a wheelchair to help me get around without making myself sicker just from the strain of doing the regular stuff.

I have had COVID at least once. Thankfully I had taken the vaccine that time. But the vaccine reaction was almost as bad as the real thing. BUT if you’re healthy, (or at least healthier than me) THIS WILL NOT BE TRUE FOR YOU. You can afford a couple days of feeling a little under the whether. Right? I feel under the weather or worse literally every day of my friggin life, and often I just get on with things.

So…. Do it for me? So I don’t get long COVID? Or just like, the flu? Or other things that are popping up! Wear a mask and stay home if you can when you’re sick, thoughI know the latter is very difficult to get away with for so many. I just ask because these things could actually damage me in ways they might not damage you. And if you don’t do it for me, do it for the people that could just be straight up killed by a respiratory illness. That stuff spreads so easily, and they are likely locked up in their houses just as painfully as you were in lockdown trying to stay alive. Yet, like you, they have lives and hopes and dreams and are worthy of human decency and care and respect. But believe me, we don’t often feel enough of it, let alone from our doctors. All too often not even from our own families.

Or, you know, like, do it for yourself and other able bodied people who could suddenly find yourselves in our position through this Long COVID stuff. I know!! I know it feels like naw that would never happen to you. Is this stuff even for real? But trust me trust me, it can, it will. A lot of us sickies were like you once. And a lot of us still don’t have answers for what “went wrong.” And realizing that none of us are all that different, that we’re al in this together actually! Is one of the first biggest steps to compassionate and real, noticeable change. Caring enough about others and their needs enough to be mindful about simple stuff.

And hey, MAYBE just on your own, none of it will be enough. But at least you can look back and comfort yourself saying you tried. You didn’t take our lives for granted.

LOL anyway I’m just so nervous about school this winter please help me get my bachelor’s in as much peace as possible

[theredofoctober]

hiii girly i see all these questions am wondering what’s your sexual orientation/pronounsa!!

I go by they/she, I prefer they but I'm not mad at she as I generally present femme so that's what people will perceive.

I've never been referred to by he for this reason, but I'll refer to myself as a boy or a prince before female stuff purely because I feel in an androgynous head space despite my appearance, which to most people reads 'big titty petite alt girl'

Sorry this is getting personal but people are probably very curious

I've been out as non binary since 2020 and had been experimenting with boy drag long before that (from at least 2015) but just hadn't figured things out at all or had the right vocabulary so it took me a long time to get there and grow to that point

I feel like lockdown gave me time to marinate and think about why I felt so alienated and confused from my gender. I'd been on HRT since 2017 for other health reasons so that was also confusing as I felt othered from my own body in a way only other trans people have ever understood

I also have trauma so I was deeply confused and I still feel I have much to learn and process

My great aunt was intersex and I have a non binary relative so I am not alone. But to this day I wish I'd understood and felt comfortable with myself earlier as I feel so much more chill will myself since. It's really hard to explain but once I accepted it I was like 'oh, so that's why I felt put in X box' lol

And I'm bi/pan, pan is probably more relevant as I have been with a whole range of people and it feels most accurate!