#it's selling me a parasocial relationship

[chaos0pikachu]

YOURE RIGHT AND YOU SHOULD SAY IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! OUROBOROS OF GMM SHIPPED PAIRS DIE FASTER PLEEK 🥲🥲🥲

[hussyknee]

I don't feel anything about Chapelle Roan or her music, but Pop Crave tweeted her video asking her fans to stop being entitled creeps and the replies make me want to projectile vomit on them.

Absolute freaks. If you can't leave other humans alone when you see them in the street just because they're famous I seriously hope you fall through a manhole and die.

[thermesiini]

one thing that really bothers me about social media is that it opened the doors to create a specific form of entertainment that feeds solely off of parasocial relationships. especially in youtube where personalities are playing themselves like playing up relationships to an inauthentic degree to sell the idea of friendship and doing so becomes incredibly regular and maybe even an industry standard in that specific entertainment market. it creates a show based off of coworkers essentially having to fake their interactions. it basically circles back around to acting and fiction but allows for the development of parasocial bonds, and capitalizes off of it.

[athetos]

Honestly it’s no wonder my chemical romance broke up when they did. Making the Black Parade was a traumatic experience for everyone involved, as they recorded in a haunted studio and had mental breakdown after mental breakdown; they then proceeded to tour nonstop in heavy, disgustingly sweaty uniforms; they were accused of starting a suicide cult by the daily mail and blamed for a teen’s death; they then wrote an entire new album and scrapped it because it wasn’t good enough and the members couldn’t decide on a direction (those songs would later be released as Conventional Weapons); put out danger days and toured again nonstop, all while the members had various other side projects; like, if they didn’t break up, they would have beaten each other unconscious in the back of a van at that point.

What IS surprising to me is that they not only did they reunite, but that they put out a song quietly, with no fanfare, that somehow managed to be one of their best tracks yet, becoming one of the only (if not the only; that’s subjective for sure) reformed ‘00’s ‘emo’ bands that actually stands a chance of crafting albums just as good as their first ones.

[nickandros]

florence concert was. well it sure was a concert!

[rainibao]

Help

(Apparently I was on it for 10 hours on Sunday...)

[centrally-unplanned]

I will add my voice to the chorus that chronological feed is at this point one of Tumblr's biggest selling points, because chronological is a default form of ownership. I can edit my feed to match exactly my expectations by following & unfollowing who I want, because chronology as a concept is completely scrutable to me. Algorithms are fine as everything is an algorithm; its the lack of comprehensibility and agency most platforms inflict on you that makes them so hostile to users who actively curate what they engage with.

I in fact think Tumblr would benefit from more feed options! I would absolutely enable deviations from the chronology based on the people I follow and the moods I am in - but they again would need to be under my control.

The discoverability problem is real, and I do in fact think that there should be better ways. I don't object to the "you may also like" in the corner for example. In reality Tumblr's search functions are the place to do this; they aren't as bad as many claim but they aren't great, they are exactly the choice-focused place to surface new blogs. Make that tool better and I will find others like me and give them a shot.

But. Another thing that makes tumblr great is the fact that it is 'community' based over 'content' based. I follow the people I follow, and they follow me, because we interacted with each other over time. It is a facsimile of actual socializing; you make a few comments on a post, you build up the courage for a reblog or two, you are discoursing, you tag them on a meme, now you are mutuals. Content creators are not community members - that is a hierarchical relationship, the 'lead' and the 'fan', and is defined by parasocial and weak connections. Tumblr can be more than one thing ofc, I follow some art blogs who never talk to their followers, that is a content-follow. But in the main I don't think most people want their community-based feed structure to be disrupted by attempts to content-itize it.

This is again one of Tumblr's strengths - every other site (besides partially Facebook) has pivoted to content-style models over community-style models due to inherent winner-take-all dynamics and greater monetization applications. But Tumblr cannot chase YouTube, it is going to lose, YouTube already exists. I don't see much of anything in that post that recognizes that, and that is imo a huge mistake.

[audley-and-cherry]

Okay, I know I haven't said much (anything?) on Gaiman/Mieville/Munro, but here's my take as a bookseller who has been a bookseller for goddamned too many years:

For the question of "what do I do when I find out that a work that was transformative to me was written by an abuser?" you have to realize that having loved their work is not a reflection on you– abusers can and very often do make art that speaks to us. They are also exceptionally good at having a charming public face, knowing the right words to say, and knowing how to present themselves to endear themselves to a specific audience. Parasocial relationship or not (and I think there's something interesting to be noted that Gaiman was extremely online and Mieville (afaik) had no social media presence), it's not the fault of the fan that they didn't know that their favorite is an abuser.

That said, if you continue to support their work knowing what we know now, I'm giving you a hard fucking side eye.

Here's the depressing part: you can't know if an author is an abuser based on their works or their public persona. My advice to you as someone with goddamned too many years in books?

Read midlist authors. Stop reading bestselling authors and authors who are the darling of their particular genre. Read authors who likely will not sell their work for adaptations or have celebrity coauthors or are invited to teach a semester of literature at [expensive private college full of kids from Long Island].

Read widely, even within your preferred genre. Not only will you expose yourself to so much brilliance, but if a fav is outed as a gross abuser, it's far less difficult to move on.

As a subset of 2: Try try try to develop more than one favorite. Find authors whose works you will read sight-unseen (as I'm sure many of you did with Gaiman), but have a stable of them. (I, for instance, have five authors I will pick up whatever they write, no questions asked.)

Stop relying on cis/het white authors. Read queer authors. Read books by people of color. Fall in love with those books!

This is, of course, not a surefire way to avoid supporting abusers– there is no way to do that. But expanding your reading will have nothing but positives for you and positives for the authors that you read.

[skyepixels]

Respect PartyCoffin's Wishes and Privacy!!!!

If you have seen @partycoffin's latest post, then....right now, I really feel for them. I just saw their post now.

There's so much I want to say, but I feel that even words of positive reinforcement aren't going to help them through this.

But I can say something to the people, the fandom, who are part of this, who have helped make Welcome Home what it is now.

Please respect their boundaries and their rules of engagement with Welcome Home. Period. To go even further:

If you see a fake social media account posing as them, report it on the website you found it.

If you see someone selling merchandise, report their account too. No matter how much you want their merchandise, it doesn't help @partycoffin or the fandom to do this.

Give them the time and respect they deserve. They are a person; they have their own boundaries, and if you have any ounce of care in you, you should respect their wishes.

Even if it means that they have to take Welcome Home off the Internet entirely and let this rising fanbase die, then that is what I will respect because I do not want them getting hurt in the process.

Tiktok, I feel, is the worst factor in all this, not because of the people creating beautiful or meme-like work but because of how the platform's algorithm works in sharing content that you've viewed, connecting it to what your friends viewed, and I've also noticed A03 being a terrible influence on NSFW content too, and it honestly breaks my heart to see it.

Yes, this is the internet, the wild west of memes, rule 34, and an incredible lack of privacy. You can inevitably expose yourself to many dangers and unwanted attention by sharing something you love with the world. They cannot control everything they see, but you can control what you see and change things!

Most importantly, we participate in a parasocial relationship when interacting with @partycoffin, meaning that no matter how much we love and care about them, we will never honestly know what they're dealing with daily or who they are as a person! Parasocial relationships have boundaries, and that means giving them the space to recoup, be offline, and not interact with their communities.

Welcome Home has given me joy and love for many personal reasons, even though I don't know the characters yet! But if it dies due to a lack of boundaries and respect for its creator, then so be it. I will treasure my time with their story as it sits and, like time itself, move forward, remembering this story as a beautiful possibility of hope and love rather than one of hate.

[pseudophan]

I had a "dan and phil dream" last night but it was more about the phandom then them. sorry this is long I promise it's probably interesting. I dreamt that there were two lesbian phannies that started a youtube channel together discussing and reviewing dan and phil content. they had a very similar humor style and aesthetic to dan and phil so people started calling them "the lesbian versions of dan and phil" affectionately. it was very cute and over time they even started branching out their content to other topics sometimes, which caused their channel to explode in popularity outside of the phandom too.

anyway they got popular enough that they were able to do their own live show tour just a year after they started making content, and it was a huge deal. the phandom was proud of them for being such a cool and wholesome representation of us, and their general fans were just excited to see them in person (the parasocial relationships were real). their first show was in my town so I decided to go see them on a whim and even bought merch. but the merch was... really poorly made. like it was shocking that they would even sell it in the state it was in. the shirt I bought basically fell apart immediately and was not worth $60. this caused drama in the phandom before the first show was even over. half the phandom was feeling betrayed and upset, and the other half was defending the couple saying it probably wasn't their fault.

well within 24 hours, some whistleblower from their team revealed it WAS their fault for being cheap, AND also they were fakes! they weren't in a relationship, they weren't cute wholesome people irl, they didn't even like dan and phil. their whole brand was made up to make money. it was an insane bombshell to drop and permanently altered the phandom as a whole. I'm still invested in the drama, I kinda wish it were real so I could continue following along.

oh my god i wish this was real because i would be the asshole going SEE I TOLD YOU SO I TOLD EVERYONE THEY WERE SHIT because the idea of two phannies getting famous for being discount dan and phil would piss me off so BADDD like yay lesbians but also. who are u. why do we care. why is everyone obsessed with them. can we go back to dan and phil

that being said who wants to pretend to date for no particular reason at all whatsoever

[zhoufeis]

What just bothers me simply about the discussion of TTPD being all so great is neither the fact that some reviewers literally ignore some of the very gruesome lyrics this album has to offer nor the fact that the whole album has the same tune and I could not tell apart these tracks even if I wanted to, no. After all, we can always argue that tastes are different... arguably. It's something utterly different that's bothering me.

It's three things entirely different.

1) The fact we pretend 31 break-up tracks, written entirely out of the perspective of victimhood, of some love stories are worth calling "The Tortured Poets Department". Mind you, Swift, I like love songs, I like break-up songs, I like them poetically, I like when they touch me. But writing 31 break-up songs (not entirely, right, more like 25 or so) for one album makes me wonder if there is anything deeper... more touching to write about. You stay on the surface describing relationships (romantic as well as parasocial) in which you come out as a victim. But the self-reflection is missing entirely. And if I learned one thing in language classes it's that it's poetically dull if we only ever stay on the surface. We gotta dig deeper. And I'm not referring to some poetic lines to make a song sound more beautiful. I'm talking about true depth, true self-reflection, something that makes you defenseless. Cause all this woman does is writing songs out of the perspective of defense - and victimhood. Never does she actually draw herself as defenseless or vulnerable, always knowing how to use the right words to make her fans defend her.

2) Which leads me to that other thing that really bothers me. Her PR team was more involved in this album than the persona of Taylor Swift could ever be. Or maybe Taylor Swift is only PR at this point. Maybe there is no actual person behind all of this. Cause if there's one thing that's utterly apparent, it is that this album hinges SOLELY on any media drama she was involved in. Everyone out there trying to decipher which song is about whom - is this storytelling? Is this poetry? If I only care about songs and judge them by who they are about? The beauty of music is that it binds people together, makes people feel heard or seen through the text and voice of another person. What she's doing isn't that. She is not binding people together by selling her songs as something that could happen to anyone, no, all of it is always only about one person's story - her own. She also doesn't create fictional stories to write about, things to further the limits of our imagination and tell a story that doesn't even exist, and never will. She doesn't use imagination, she doesn't try to connect to other people, she's trying only to connect people to HER. Can this album even be judged neutrally if everyone just knows about her relationships and is guessing who the songs are about? Is there one person out there like "I have never seen any of the TS relationship drama and the like, and I only like to review this album lyrically and sonically by the lyrics and tune within"? Because she is SO present in everyday media press, it is impossible to miss her relationship drama. So are we actually still reviewing Swift's album as a standalone media for its sound and lyrics? Or are we actually just reviewing TS's terrible love life which she apparently has no responsibility for? And mind you all - she knows exactly what she's doing. Don't even think for a second she doesn't know that you all are following her every footstep. Don't think she doesn't use it to her advantage. (Aside from that, she has been considered a storyteller for so long, but she seems to have a lack of stories she can come up with if the only ones she writes about are her own...)

3) Which leads to the entire capitalist thinking behind the release of this album. Not only did she publish 19 different versions of this album to be acquired, no, she also literally had millions of fans pre-ordering her (normal-length) album, only to drop an extended version right after its release. Which means that all these fans had to buy yet another album. And don't think she meant this as a surprise for her fans - she did that cause that's how you make money. Cause that's how capitalism works. And she's part of the problem.

[wavesoutbeingtossed]

Time to be parasocial on main: seeing how happy and fulfilled Taylor is now is really sweet, because she does seem genuinely overcome with emotion at getting to play all these international cities, many if not most of them for the first time of her career. The fact that she brings up every show that one of her biggest regrets is not having done so earlier in her career speaks volumes; I know part of it is gassing up the crowd like a good host does, but she does seem to mean it for real.

I know there were probably all kinds of logistical and financial reasons why she may not have toured much in e.g. Europe in the past, but this really does seem like it’s opened up her world and made her appreciate a whole new experience this long into her career. For some reason it brings to mind that quote from the Time interview where she said she’s a lot more trusting now than she was six years ago, and I know that was referring to her business/personal relationships, but I think it’s also in herself and her instincts and in these experiences.

I’m assuming some of the reasoning behind not touring as much internationally in the past came down to her team crunching numbers and not being confident in the return on investment, or in the popularity of her work. (Or maybe she didn’t feel like she could sustain it physically/emotionally, I have no idea.) But she gambled on taking Eras overseas (lol not much of a gamble given the bloodshed to get tickets in the US), and she’s been rewarded with the biggest payoff. Not just financially by selling out the shows, but I think professionally and personally as well. She seems to be feeding off the crowds, and though her travel experiences are extremely curated and sanitized due to her security concerns, she seems to be incredibly stoked to be visiting new places every week, too.

Her life seems to be incredibly full, and it’s so apparent that she’s soaking up these moments this summer. It just makes me really, really happy for her, and I hope she keeps getting to fill her cup like this.

[ohmuqueen]

A good source of background info about Jongtae’s performance of “Internet War” from the SHINee reddit

transcript below:

[comment by user @/xiola_azuthra on reddit]:

The following is mainly copypasted from my comment in a thread here from 2 years ago, so please don't think any of my generalizations about fans-in-general is directed specifically at you or your own assumptions (I don't know what your assumptions are and whatever they are they're totally okay!). Some references are below as well.

I just always like to take the chance to bring this up since much of the fandom (especially the international fandom who haven't read the lyrics) has a tendency to always frame the discussion of this performance on the fanservice and homoeroticism elements, when it's actually MANY more layers than that (and the deeper layers are arguably the more interesting an important ones IMO); IMO Internet War is actually the opposite of "pure" fanervice; the fanservice is just the medium they used, but the piece actually has a strong message and some pretty clear symbolism once you check out the lyrics. This is my own interpretation from my own understanding of Jonghyun, the industry, and the lyrics, but YMMV:

--------------------

As much as it's definitely a great performance, everyone seems to laud it as "homoeroticism and fanservice" without reading the lyrics and thinking about what it could mean - which, to me, is the more important and interesting part, and I think central to why Jonghyun defended it, why they kept performing it, and why the handcuffed moment at the end is the iconic part for him (the image he chose to post on his twitter during the backlash).

I've linked the lyrics below, they're by Seo Taiji and very, very non-idol like. They're extremely harsh/rude/angry and largely to do with toxic netizen culture; I think you could apply it to both internet trolls and chronically online netizens vs. each other as well as idols-vs-fans or celebrities-vs-the-public... how they are trapped in this cycle of mutually influencing each other, often in toxic ways. I definitely love me some fanservice as much as the next girl (I've been a BL fan for over half my life) and Jonghyun is a king of bi energy and I love him for it, but honestly after reading the lyrics and looking at the symbolism in the performance, I feel like the 2 most notorious parts of this performance are actually far less about the "edgy homoeroticism" and far more of a pretty *direct metaphor* acknowledging the often toxic bondage between idols and fans/netizens/public opinion.

If you add up the lyrics, the words of Jjong's fake tattoos with the names of his fansites, the symbolism in the fact that he's stripped down (vulnerable) while Taemin is fully-clothed (holds the balance of power), then you get this:

Jonghyun is the idol (the fake tattoos say "ideal boy/one in a million/many (all?) of them are the names of his fansites; his job is to seduce the public with an idealized image), and Taemin is the "public" who now wants everything he can give, can't be sated, wants to take ownership of him (cue Taemin feeling him up)... which makes the handcuffs at the end a very literal symbol; I feel like this performance acknowledges a lot of conflicts they are all aware of, but perhaps specifically Jonghyun... anger at all the toxicity they see online, awareness of how they know that they're selling a falsely idealized image, awareness of how a lot of this system is broken for both sides in many ways (ever-deepening parasocial relationships and everything good/bad that that entails), acknowledgement of how the idol/fan relationship changes both of us...

Which is to say, in the end, (IMO) the handcuffs are acknowledgement of the fact that he is quite literally *giving (or selling) his body to the fans (and the public) as a part of this cycle and and is beholden to this metaphorical bondage of idol-and-public-opinion.* And that obviously this is... neither an easy nor a purely "good" thing, despite how idols normally have to present themselves.

I just feel like this gets ignored because "omg Jjong is hot" and "omg JongTae" but... I think it's far more serious than that. It's actually incredibly ironic that there was so much netizen backlash over this at the time, since that's kind of exactly what it's about. >_>

----------

Lyrics: https://kpopchanted.wordpress.com/2012/09/21/internet-war-%EC%9D%B8%ED%84%B0%EB%84%B7-%EC%A0%84%EC%9F%81-seo-taiji/

---------

Jonghyun's response to backlash (two translations; he posted this comment + changed his profile image to the back shot of their handcuffed hands) http://www.twitlonger.com/show/itpphd / http://www.twitlonger.com/show/itpqqj

---------

(P.S. In retrospect it's a little amusing that Jonghyun got backlash for "corrupting" Taemin and pulling his hair, since the Taemin we know now leads me to believe that he totally suggested that bit himself ^^;;;

P.P.S. To address another concern I have seen before - in case anyone is concerned about Taemin's neck; note that there are stage-fight ways to do this sort of thing and they did it for a whole tour with no injury so it was clearly very choreographed. Jonghyun always pulls straight back, not at an angle (angles are less safe for the neck), and in order to make this move look dramatic in a safe way, the person having their hair pulled can throw their *own* head back, with the other person's grip much looser than it looks; if you time it correctly it looks the same.)

[pinduxa]

Stop stanning billionaire Barbie, she doesn't give a rat's ass about your existence. Your mere existence matter to her only in terms of how much money you'll be able to spend on her shit.

Repeat it with me: there aren’t ethical billionaires. Taylor is no different. You aren't worthy to her. Be it gay, black or whatever minority: you're not her friend and she sees you as a money machine. That's the only reason why she feeds the parasocial relationship with her fans, to make more money.

I'm happy people are waking up, but unfortunately she's rich af now and even if all the downfall rumors are true, if it ever comes to the point she stops making music altogether, she can fend for herself for lifetimes, you get it? Don't let yourselves be blinded by other pop stars just because they sell an image of being one of us, so quirky and cool and fun... wake up!

[dancefloors]

Hard agree Taylor's interview was weird. There's almost no substance to any of her answers.

for real. I'll try to be brief or at least make this the last one (because I know I am being annoying about this but really I just find her a very fascinating case study), but for a songwriter who is often introspective and eloquent, it all seemed like a very shallow look at her life and career. a hodge-podge of buzzwords and dated pop culture references. I do wonder if that's just the nature of this being a sort of 'PR smooth over' for the unfamiliar audience, setting the record straight on a few accounts, and sort of rewriting the narrative of rep/her last relationship.

but it also was very intriguing how the image she paints of herself, and one she seems to internalise is that of her as a successful 'underdog', a perpetual victim in an uphill battle. I'm sure she's faced adversity in her career, but it's notable to me that the way she frames it ("female rage" at her image destruction, "freedom from patriarchal structures through the flow of economy") is in a way that sort of silently demands an obligation to celebrity and wealth. she points to her "cancellation" as gaslighting from a "social structure" but what structure is that? who is the perpetrator when the dip in your fame can be largely attributed to a PR fumble and public dissent at blatant money-driven strategic friendships (which she personally admitted), relatability marketing, and recognition that they are being sold an image? her song The Man/interviews regarding it detail how structural barriers that bother her the most are the ones preventing her from flaunting her money, chasing fame and fortune openly, being praised for the strategy and calculation behind her capitalist endeavours, from using people and discarding them when done (à la Leo in San Tropez or her partners being "playthings for [her] to use"). is it a structural issue when you leave your record label of your own accord and those very same business strategies and ploys are used against you? are fame and art to be free of criticism? is it victimhood when people point out the parasocial and expositional practises that gave you your fame, which you intentionally intertwined with your image?

I won't brush aside the misogyny that came with it. I believe women have the right to feel safe, supported, their sexual exploits not held against them, their career progression not halted purely because of their gender, that artists have ownership over their work.

but do I think they are owed fortune, that a couple months being reclusive in million dollar mansions and jet-setting around the world equate to 'cancellation', that people becoming aware of hollywood PR ploys is misogyny, that public favour is owed and losing it is the highest punishment (especially when they actively wield their team to push puff pieces to bury their own and their associate's/partners' bigotry), that speculation about a public figure's personal life is the greatest crime, that their own role in their career deserves to be seen simultaneously as that of an innocent subject of magical coincidence AND a mastermind strategist (but never the dagger of "calculated"), that their cries and causes should be heralded and never doubted or viewed with a critical eye even though the activist outfit is only ever put on for themselves, that they should be viewed as a brand when they want to shirk responsibility and an individual when they demand sympathy, that fame is owed, that any common person should think about all of this - consider their 'full story' and believe the image they want to sell of themselves? that we should be actively celebrating their excessiveness (it's for our own good!)?

no. maybe because i lack empathy for the rich and famous, but it all seems very out of touch. it's never been more blatantly about consumer feminism, bread and circuses, a prayer to her own idolatry, even further out of reach at the moment.

her fixation on the past, her own endlessly self-referential world, speaking about "defeating enemies"..... its just fascinating. and confirms to me that her main gripe has always been with the contradictory nature of her own fame. why can't she have it all? i don't say this in a bitter way, i think she's just an interesting case study, especially watching her career come up from the beginning. you only enjoy the circus when they are cheering for you. and she seems to have leaned into that more recently. i don't know what has gone on in her personal life (seemingly many references to a "life she gave away"), but it seems to have driven her closer to that, aware that at least in THIS world (that of fame, fortune, etc) she is somewhat an insurmountable titan not even stoppable by "a force majeure", whatever she may claim. maybe she can't control her personal life, but she can control this to a degree, and if not, the things that stand in her way can be / must be regarded the most unjust of nondescript "social structures".

again.. no hatred, just fascination. her image, success, and fan relationships hinged on relatability for so many years. this feels like a departure from that. an acceptance that she is extraordinary and that even her struggles are out of reach for the common man. she's operating in a different echelon, she's the centre of her world (why wouldn't she be), and she is free from the shackles of self reflection on her place in the broader world... I guess she's too soft for it all. I don't know... an interesting change. I'm sure someone smarter than me has something more interesting and eloquent to say.

[vyl3tpwny]

parasocial2, or, the complications of my social anxiety + growing self + motivation & stress management amidst all these things.

a while ago i wrote on here about parasocial relationships and things of the sort. it was an unorganized ramble, and so this will be also.

Growing Self

something i have to live with is that in my past, i have been an excruciatingly unbearable, egomaniacal cunt. honestly i still have anger issues sometimes. and a lot of the time i take everything EXTREMELY personally. but at least i understand these things about myself better now.

i have a hard time pushing people away or giving space to myself because sometimes i feel like i owe everyone my personal space. like i don't deserve personal space because of how much of a massive bitch i've been; the baggage i've created for myself and the pain i've inflicted on other ppl means that i should have to sell my personal space out to everyone and anyone who asks for it, avoiding risk of being seen as an asshole for pushing people away and asking for space alone.

and yet i find it hard to do anything sometimes. i will wake up to 400 notifications of people asking me high executive or personal questions, needing my help or opinion with something, trying to show me something that i don't have the energy to respond to, and stuff. because of this thing i am and live with, i continue to feel like i have to spend a lot of time trying to figure out something meaningful to say. it takes so much time and willpower and by the end of it i just don't feel like doing anything anymore. it kills my ability to work or go do things or go outside or talk to anyone i actually want to talk to.

it sucks. because there are (a.) a handful of people i could probably talk to every day and it's fine; there are maybe like 15-20 people who fit this category. there is another (b.) sect of people, a very large amount of people, who i can handle speaking to occasionally. then there are (c.) people who i don't know, don't want to know, or used to know. i've labeled them accordingly.

B.

with the people in group ".b", ppl i can only rlly talk to occasionally, it's hard because usually these people are friends or acquaintances and i enjoy the company of sometimes and i can find something to talk about with sometimes. however, usually i do not have the energy to talk to them. i often have a status indicator on my discord, for example, stating that i only want to speak to people i have business with or are very close friends. people in group ".b" tend to be the first and most frequent trespassers of this request. it's very hard to disengage with these conversations or messages because i don't want to hurt their feelings, and it's not like i dislike these people. but a very very very VERY large percentage of people i think don't actually understand how i am.

i have always been someone who values being alone. of course, i couldn't live in isolation i think. but i've always valued just being by myself. i go out most places alone and i will often not participate in any social activity for days, weeks at a time. i think the best when i'm alone and i usually start thinking the most creatively when i'm alone.

so to people in group ".b", it's hard to really establish: "I want to be alone most of the time, don't talk to me", without it seeming like a negative thing. it's not that i don't care or that i dislike these people. i just get overwhelmed and sensory overload easily. and when i'm waking up to over a hundred messages, i don't feel extremely motivated to find the energy. i find it hard to ask for that, especially because of how it can be perceived negatively in light of how toxic i have been in the past as well. idk.

C.

but then there are people in group ".c". people i don't know. people i don't want to know. and people i used to know. that's kind of broad. but they all feel the same to me. this is where it's less about social anxiety and more about perceiving the parasocial construct in front of me.

something i struggle with, among all other things, is why? why constantly vie for the attention of someone who doesn't want to talk to you. what joy is there in seeking a one-sided relationship? it confuses me profoundly. if i speak to someone and they don't return the same enthusiasm or level of interaction, i just leave them alone after that. i'm not going to try and be friends with someone who has other things to do and other friends to be with. so why is it that it feels constantly like there are people who want to call me their 'friend' and want to seek out a connection with me when i'm not reciprocating that in any way. i especially don't feel like the most unique, interesting person in the world. if i'm not interested in connecting, i'm sure there are way more interesting people than me to even talk to. so why does it have to be me? i'm just a person.

anyway. it gets very difficult to disengage with people in group ".c". again, part of it is because i'm overly aware of how i can come across, especially given my past toxicity. however, with these people it gets much more complicated. often i find that the people who form parasocial interests in me also happen to be people who a predisposition to hurt themselves and sometimes those around them. i still struggle with the trauma of someone who faked their suicide and blamed me for just not talking to them even though i didn't know them at all. so not only do i feel the need to delicately balance not upsetting people in group ".c" because they may guilt trip me over what i've grown out of, i'm also afraid of them hurting themselves or hurting other people.

to the people who aren't in the extreme ends of that. it's still difficult because a lot of the times i will openly express my social (or lack thereof) needs very transparently. and they will still continue to try and reach me. i don't really know what else to do, because if i block them it will seem so much more drastic and upsetting, because the people in this group tend to not want to think in any neutral or balanced sense.

there are people who i have ignored the messages of for quite literally several years. and they will still message me consistently as if unreciprocated message 70 is going to prompt me to finally respond.

There is No Middle Horse

I do everything. I write, compose, arrange, perform (vocals and instruments), produce, mix, and master all of my music.

I do all my management. There is nobody who manages for me.

I do all of the utility work that comes with being a public musician entity.

There is no middle horse.

And I will not compromise that just to solve these parasocial and social anxiety issues.

still i feel the need to either deal with or humour every whim of people in group ".b" and group ".c", just to avoid coming off as an asshole and to avoid people hurting themselves and others. i don't really know how to solve this honestly. other than just ignoring people or communicating my needs openly, i don't see any other route.

the fact remains that i have been a cunt in the past. i have been extremely toxic and caustic. therefore, i see that part of myself when i consider blocking someone or desiring to make my needs clear and my boundaries transparent. dunno.

i'm extremely tired. and my energy is sucked out by people in groups ".b" and ".c". to the point where i never get to hang out with people in groups ".a" much anymore, the people i really really want to be around and talk to. i want to have energy to actually talk to my friends. but i don't. i'm busy selling my soul i think.

i am slightly antisocial. but mostly i'm tired and like being on my own.

honestly i'd like to know what other people think. and i am in therapy for this and many other things now. but it helps to know what other people think anyway.

sorry this sucks!