#it's so. i hate it so much bcs at heart i know better but it's just so hard to really just accept that. i don't know | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

iinmysights · 4 months

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dunno if i’ll finish her but here’s the og img and the aftermath of a trace -> mild shape/positioning/component edit -> color palette fix

ripclaw may not actually exist in transformers prime like i tricked myself into believing when i started my rewatch but she’ll forever live on in my heart </3

#transformers #transformers prime #tf #tf prime #tfp #predacon #ripclaw #transformers ripclaw #Ravage.txt #Ravage’s work #moondust #this all started bc i woke up with such genuine disappointment that the tfp in my head wasn’t real 😔🤌 and then i remembered that i always #hated how sunken-in her head is in the mold (seriously wtf girl’s collar is too high) and from there… a sparkling was born #BEHOLD!!! POINTIER. WAIST STILL SNATCHED BUT NOT QUITE SO PENCIL-THIN. SLIGHTLY BETTER WING SIZE. VISIBLE UPPER ARMS. TOOTHIER. MY BELOVED #NOBODY POINT OUT THE MISSING INSIGNIA I KNOW IT'S FUCKING GONE SHUT UP I FORGOT ABOUT IT #anyway 😗 it's lowkey giving future pfp vibes so i might finish her up just for that teehee :3 i wanna see her kiss ratchet on his forehead #so bad fr (<- pictures her size as being about twice his height)#augh or her interacting with the kids. in my heart she hated them from the start a bit more than arcee and ratchet but quickly got a soft #spot for raf and spends her days lounging around ratchet as he works while raf sits on her and does hw or asks questions abt her experience #(since she's an og predacon. of course. naturally. im sorry i just frown too much at the cloning it doesn't feel Right in my brain. she #likes the other two fine enough but she's defo got a favorite :])#ANYWAY BYE I GOTTA DO SOME PSYCH HW REAL QUICK IT'S DUE TOMORROW NIGHT

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edelorion · 16 days

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#edel vents #disclaimer: really personal issues in the tags. also wishes of death upon others. this is PROBABLY too much information tbh...#so if you're not up for it scroll down fast!!!! the deluge is coming!!!#today was... eventful. bad. also very bad. grandma's birthday celebration was today #and while she... definitely has Old People Issues (racist) shes also very lonely since the death of my grandfather so i can't really not go #i'm the only one who really visits her regularly to begin with #aside from the... very serious racism issue... she's “alright”. i guess. but that's besides the point. there's family there #and among those... my parents. which i don't like to talk to #discovered they threw more of my old stuff away. typical. wanted to strangle them. as usual.#had to “talk” with my mother (read: spend approximately ten seconds reciting exactly why i *don't* talk to her anymore)#so that whole ordeal completely soured my mood.#went home tired. can't really do anything right now.#at least the food was good i guess. but i also really want to cry... which i can't. which sucks.#...i really like to think i've improved as a person. i used to be really hateful of everything and everyone #worst of all myself. still kinda do but i'm... getting better..?#i like to think i've grown past most of it but every time i see my parents i feel this gripping at my heart. as if i haven't really changed #as if instead i'm still the hateful person i “always was” deep down... bc there's this visceral joy that i feel whenever i'm mad at them.#when i looked at my mother and told her how much i despise her i felt a shiver of happiness. righteousness.#to be clear: i do NOT care for her. at all. she's the worst person on this earth #and the only person whom my philosophy of “nobody deserves to die” does NOT apply to. i'm not scared of hating her.#she genuinely deserves this. but...every time i see my parents - and thus her... i feel as if i'm slipping back into that mindset of hatred #i don't want that. not anymore. it consumed me whole. i was a horrible person back then and i've caused so much grief for so many #i can't let go of this hatred. i can't forgive them. they don't deserve my forgiveness anyway. but i'm tired of hating.#i'm tired of letting that hatred define me. i'm tired of letting that hatred direct me. i'm tired of letting it bring me to ruin.#i'm tired of being who i was. i'm no longer “that”. i'm edel now and i'm happy for people now. if i don't like something i just walk out.#i can just leave. “if it sucks hit the bricks” right?.. but i didn't. i had to say it. i had to tell them. her. and i liked it.#and... i'm scared of that. because it tells me i haven't improved.#i'm not sure what i'm expecting out of posting this i guess. maybe help. maybe i wanna be told that this is normal or something.#maybe i just want to get my thoughts in order. i don't know. i'm gonna stop writing now.#sorry for making you read all this. thanks for doing it anyway. tags were cut off on this one btw so it may look like a mess. but. yeah.

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seventh-district · 2 months

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i’m not like other girls, my “Rest” stats are a heart rate of 110bpm and a HRV of 14 fucking milliseconds. :)

#Seven’s Public Diary #vent #vent post #cw vent #cw vent post #cw health #cw heart #i’m so stressed :) i am soooo fucking stressed and my body is Suffering because of it #i want to just lay here and stare at the ceiling but. maybe a little venting will help #sighhhh wish [N]MbD Sun were here to obsessively fret over me #he can be mean about it idc. at least i’d have someone acknowledging how bad things are for me #sometimes i wonder when the last time was that my body Wasn’t in fight or flight to some degree #have i Ever actually relaxed #hhhhhhh c-ptsd is a bitch #anyways there’s so much to vent about but i’m. doing my best to be vague. i need to be more vague about things #a lot of stuff i can’t vent about anyways. it’s too personal #so instead i’m gonna complain abt how i haven’t been able to play Genshin or Star Rail for nearly a month now #and about how slowly my back is recovering. it’s like every time i re-injure/have a flare up. it heals.. worse. slower and lesser #i dunno how it’s ever gonna get better. truly better. maybe i’ll live with this forever #if being fat is the problem which is definitely partly is. then yeah i’m fucked #all of my problems just make each other worse and i don’t know where the way out of it all is #every time i think i’ve found it i’m wrong and i just make it all worse #anyways as soon as i figure out how to strengthen my core without breaking my back. it’s over for u bitches #‘u bitches’ being uh. all of the shit that needs doing that i cannot physically fucking do right now #i miss being able to sit down. and i’m Regretting de-converting my standing desk back to sitting bc now. i cannot use my PC #which means i can’t fucking do a some of my work or play my silly little gacha games and i’m mad abt it #i’m mad abt a lot more serious things too but again. can’t talk abt it so i’m gonna focus on trivial shit instead #anyways. sorry as always to everyone i haven’t spoken with lately. and in general. i’m so drained from the Everything that i just. can’t.#it shouldn’t be this hard for me to stay in touch w ppl but. it is. guess i’ll add that onto my list of things to be stressed about #i’m so tired of everything man. and i hate being so negative and mean when im stressed & in pain. makes me feel like im becoming my father

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jvzebel-x · 10 months

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🦋

#one of my least favourite media tropes is the 'bad person w a heart of gold' character lmao #i think its a kneejerk response to my inherent belief that when someone tells you point blank who they are you should believe them lmao #but also maybe its projection bc its not like ppl arent always offput by me for one reason or another #w/o ever actually getting to know me lmao.#so like maybe i just have chosen to disavow all versions of having a 'deeper' self in favour of spitting on the idea that i should have to #prove myself by disproving anything w a Deeper Level of Self lmao. maybe im actually just exactly what meets the eye.#perhaps i am not only totally fine w that but genuinely prefer it that way lmao.#... that is all hypothetical nonsense rambling however lmao. what is objective fact is the Bad Person w A Heart of Gold trope #has done as much damage as the Manic Pixie Dream Girl trope&i fucking hate them both the exact same amount lmao.#what is also objective fact is that i have now dropped two books in a row bc i refuse to sit thru the plot points of #'im an asshole but pls get to know me its def not fucked up that i take my bullshit out on random ppl like a toddler pls coddle this'#&'no one could ever understand my sad life story that makes me extremely abusive pls fix me' LMAO #ahhh i just need better distraction. between everything going on back home&the unstable weather making my unstable body heave #i have been going rather stir crazy&usually i can get thru like a book a day when things are like this #&starting over twice is Offensive right now LMAO.

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toygirljackal-archive · 7 months

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Fuck I feel so dumb

#vent in the tags #she doesn't follow me anymore. why does such a simple thing hurt so much.#I'm mourning a relationship that barely even happened... but it feels so impossible to move on from...#I... really hate that I feel this way. it feels unfair to people I love now...#vaguing but do you ever instantly hit it off with someone and fall immediately in love but then fuck it up and become unable to interact #for like weeks. and she cared about you and you cared about her but it didn't work and it was your fault. and you try to move on...#but every fourth thought is about her and how much you wish she was in your arms and you in hers. and you love other people but not like he #like somehow this person you've only known for a week and a half is more important than anyone else but she's the one person you forced awa #and it's been weeks and you still can't say anything because you know you'd only hurt her. but what if you could make her understand?#but if she can't you'll just be hurting her over and over and you can't bring yourself to risk that. bc you love her #you love her too much to love her. cruel irony #and maybe if she wanted she'd text you. but maybe she's feeling the same way and is waiting for you. so you're torn #do you share your feelings honestly and risk hurting her or leave her alone and risk hurting...#would it be better if you made yourself the bad guy? would she hurt less if she believed you were as bad as you think you were?#would it be better if you told her a lie. that you moved on. that you didn't love her anymore. or would it break her heart?#all I want is for her to be happy. and I know I can't give her that...#and she shared her struggles to feel worthy... and I KNOW she's worth it all and more... a million times more than I could ever give her...#I feel like I gave her false hope and broke her even worse... she said I didn't hurt her. I don't believe her but I really hope it's true #I think I'll be thinking about her forever. wondering “what if”s till I die

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airenyah · 2 years

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one thing about thai dramas that really botheres me that they'll all use the same (royalty free? i assume?) music. or maybe they all have the same go-to website for music idk

anyway, it's a Problem bc i have such a strong emotional reaction to music that has been on theory of love and so when other series use that music i just. cannot™ deal

#LOOKING AT YOU @THE ECLIPSE #YOU DID IT TO ME TWICE AND I HATE YOU FOR IT #tbh it happens with bad buddy music too i also have a strong emotional reaction to that #but like. even in bbs there are a bunch of scenes that i have to mute on every rewatch bc i just Can't #bc it's tol music in my heart #anyway yeah music that has been on tol and on bbs should be illegal to be used by other dramas ever #(CUTIE PIE USED MUSIC FROM BBS EP5 PT4 AND IT NEARLY KILLED ME LIKE. THAT'S ILLEGAL™ THANK YOU VERY MUCH)#oh god tomorrow i'm gonna be watching the eclipse finale with my mom #and i'm gonna have to sit through the tol music and be normal about it #well. somewhat normal. i can be a little bit insane about it. bc at least my mom Knows™#better than anyone actually since she also got to witness me living through the plot of tol for two years #so she knows what tol means™ to me and that i am very much not normal about it. she knows.#at least no one else in my real life watches thai drama where i'd ACTUALLY have to be normal if i was watching it with them lmao #ok i'm done sorry that needed out my heart is still racing a little from hearing tol music #god that caught me so much by surprise it actually hurt #airenyah plappert #adrm

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ghostlyheart · 1 year

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Happy Valentines Day!! 💝 I hope you spend the day being haunted by someone you love 👻 (or if you're like me, just eating a lot of heart-shaped candy)

Poll:

#I really REALLY wanted to make a little video for valetines day but I ran out of time 🥲#maybe I'll do something late over the long weekend #for now I offer you my hot takes that absolutely nobody asked for:#the Arondekars- LOVE LOVE THEM. they're everything. just like wwdits‚ the married couple is my favorite ship. idk what this says abt me #Isaac/Nigel- I think they're really sweet!! I don't think I'm as into them as some people but I do like them a lot #the concept alone is so charming and it's a choice that establishes the show a bit from the original that I think works really well #Isaac's awkwardness and hesitancy to move things forward is SO relatable to my experience as a baby lesbian and I find it really endearing #Flower/Thorfinn- I'm not super into them I'm sorry 😭 I don't hate it but I also don't really feel the chemistry #although maybe this week's episode will change my mind!!#Pete/Alberta- oughh I didn't realize how much I loved their dynamic until I thought about it more #their opposites attract kind of thing is really cute‚ with Alberta helping Pete step out of his comfort zone #and alberta knowing she deserves someone a bit more stable who will treat her better than she was in life (she already knew this but still)#it's a shame bc they're probably the couple with the least chance of getting together 😭#Sasappis/Shiki- unfortunately there's not much they can really do :') however sass' shiki tree was adorable. what a dork #Sass/Jessica- cute while they lasted!! they weren't able to spend a ton of time on their relationship but it brought out a different side #of Sass that was fun to watch #Hetty/Trevor- absolutely hilarious. I never knew I needed it. I don't ship them in a capital r Romantic way but their chemistry is great #I'd rather see it stay just a fling tbh. also when the other ghosts find out it's going to be SO juicy I can't wait #last one- I really don't want to see the entire house coupled off. The ships are fun but also the friendships between the ghosts and how #they function as a group is the real heart of the show for me I don't want that to get lost. I don't think it's impossible to balance both #so it's ultimately just a personal preference 🤷‍♀️#wow I didn't realize i had so much to say about this aksjsk #anyway. my prediction for this poll is a close race between isaac/nigel and h-money #cbs ghosts

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noxtivagus · 2 years

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i remember again n feel better hehe 🥹🤍

#🌙.rambles #thought i'd just ramble abt this to my notes but maybe a fellow wanderer wld come across this #i mean. aside from a few irls that could very much stumble across this.. i get shy n embarrassed at the though of it but OH WELL HDKGJSKDS #majority here r basically friends acquaintances n strangers that essentially don't know. like my real name or address or wtvr.#basically we don't know each other irl directly so it's somehow for some reason much easier for me to be open about how i feel in tumblr ta #s bcs 1) i write VERY long. very unlikely that someone wld read it unless they seeked it out for some reason that only they'd know #my brain's empty rn it's a bit of a mess but i feel better than just pure emptiness bcs i remember how #genuinely when it comes to other ppl.. despite how they may feel about their own selves. disappointed hatred wtvr #that. regardless of that i know that my own truth for them would be that i'll love them the same #let's say if i don't reach a certain standard for my own grades. say i usually get grades that r 90-100 often around the higher end too #but for one course i get vey slightly below the 90 mark. i'd feel like such a failure i'd feel like such a disappointment #so much so that i genuinely can't accept how others aren't disappointment in me despite how much of a failure i feel i am #turn the tables however; how do i react for others? even if. theoretically let's say they outright fail #i wouldn't think of them as anything less. it doesn't change anything bcs i genuinely love and care for the other wholly from the heart #they're my equal. they're my friend. yeah.. i rmb times in the past where i wld nearly break down from being around the passing score for #only 1 exam. i'd have friends that failed though. & i also forgot of how for other exams i basically got perfect or wtvr #it's so easy to just blind ourselves n focus on failure n forget. things that r most important #i deal with failure.. very badly honestly bcs i achieved very well as a kid. aside from stuff in filipino which uh. yeah trauma but um #maths n sciences n english or wtvr n nearly everything else i'd get easy perfects but i'd forget them over one disappointment #i struggled w that lately w my released grades n it still hurts the regret really hurts so much n i hate myself so much for it but #i'm.. trying to be kind n i've managed to feel like myself for a while today. progress. thats enough to be proud of #bcs yk knowing how others feel of their own selves n the way i treat them despite it. i cld at least try again to do the same for myself #say 10 years from now i'd be more thankful n happy if i forgave myself for it than destroyed myself in pursuit of doing better #more than. success in terms of grades i'd much rather grow n develop as a person #that said recently i've had so much anxiety w reaching out to ppl n i reply slowly but i'm trying to do better #bcs yesterday i rmb feeling so low that i really wanted to reach out to someone.. that's a whole nother lvl of pain for me bcs that means #my hopelessness reached a level enough that i knew i really needed comfort n support or i'll break #indirectly. helping you made me realize n remember myself. n i felt well enough to reach out once more.. i'm too shy to say directly but #thank you very much for that. it means more to me than you'll ever know

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pepprs · 2 years

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cringe btw. fail a little bit as well

#purrs #not really happy with how i showed up and navigated situations and circumstances today. i think i was not as kind or respectful as i could h #have been. and there’s nothing i can do but live with it and try to do better tomorrow. but this shit is so fucking hard and horrible. this #is not what i thought i was signing up for. this is not how i thought this month would go. and i know it’s normal and natural and whatever f #for like. every aspect of this process to be happening (and yet also cringe and stupid etc) but i just wish it wasn’t happening. i don’t #want to be responsible for planing your fucking goodbye gift i want you to stay. i don’t want to fucking go on a walk with you (i mean i #quite literally do LOL but) i want to keep yearning for i and working towards asking for it naturally and not in wretched circumstances. i #don’t want to have responsibility for all the tasks and people coming into the office and giving me knowing and pitying looks and asking how #this is going and meaning both me starting something and you leaving i want the whole you leaving part to just not even be a thing. i know I #it could be worse i know it’s fucking stupid to be addressing my literal actual supervisor as ‘you’ in the tags of a tumblr post she will #never read but it’s like fucking hell. i care about you so much. this has been a nightmare and i want it to be over but it won’t be ever. an #and i have to live with this somehow and i know it will feel better but for now im just fumbling through it and hurting and suffering and it #like doesn’t even matter. idk. the timing just hurts. it really does. as does the whole thing. idk when i’ll stop being hurt but i am hurt #delete later #i think i said this but i literally have to get assigned a fucking ‘cultural contact’ bc she’s leaving and can’t guide me thru this like i #always dreamed she would. the literal actual slap in the face of it.my heart hurts lol #it’s not just work also. like i know i am a freak about work on the dash but it really is not just work. or it is but it’s like. idk. ugh i #feel so trapped in this i fucking hate it and everyone is gonna tell her / me / us / whatever that this is good and normal and expected and #we’ll be okay etc but it’s NOT. it WON’T. we’re family or something like that and she’s leaving it and me and * are sobbing and * is like ha #having to be strong for us bc both of us are mentally ill wrecks over it and i know he is too and it’s killing me and meanwhile * just fucks #off across the country and we only see her TWO more times???? are you kidding me? LOL! like you just leave? lolllllll. after everythinggggg!#which she’s entitled to do. but it’s like. i thought we all understood… but apparently we weren’t on the same page. and now we’re here. LOL #anyway i am not being any less cringe or fail by continuing to post about this to redacted number of ppl but idk how else to cope. gn lawl #one more thing my heart hurts sooooooo bad. like physically. that is just sick in the head. wtf

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astrxealis · 2 years

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i really want to make gifs of fuuta's 2nd trial mv while it's still really new. idk if i should post them if ever though... <- has never posted any of my edits of any sort and gifs. even icons

#⋯ ꒰ა starry thoughts ໒꒱ *·˚#⋯ ꒰ა milgram ໒꒱ *·˚#nah i only have like. access to canva for paid. and it's education and not even pro LMAO ty to school for providing canva education <3 #yeah but i only really use canva and photopea and take a fucking long time doing anything related to editing #it's fun and a great way to pass time esp bcs i take a long time but for time efficiency... not really <//3 #i'll do my homework first and then ya ^___^#i want photoshop but if you get me i don't want to YEAH. not only do i hate yeah i also don't like paying often #like ofc i do for what i need but i. barely spend my money (it helps knowing that idk how much money i even have)#idk maybe it sounds good like 'yo you don't waste money' but also it sucks idk how to handle money at all and stuff #i rmbr being so excited planning for getting ffxiv. laying out the costs and all. LMFAO ya i only really pay for xiv sub and that's it #cash shop i only have a few stuff bcs i've been there for old events and my friend (very generous. big brother guy) gifted us stuff #fuuta's voice is so good. man i keep getting distracted this went from editing to money and then ffxiv and then fuuta #UHM ANYWAYS...... anyways............. yeah i just do really simple edits. just literally changing the color and all #but you see i often like things most when it comes from me. or my friends. or if it is personalized #so i don't like taking random things! idk the process feels best when it comes from me but i also love stuff that have heart in it #and if it's yk. oh. this is for me. ig i'm just used to mostly having to do things for myself bcs i don't get it often from others </3 #braindead. it is 1 pm. i will finish my homework (soon!)#i love all milgram characters. i was a bit yk to muu and kotoko but i think i understand kotoko better after studying fuuta more #and i get now ^^ it's a bit hypocritical to vote her innocent and fuuta guilty but at the same time it depends on what you value #and also did people really not expect her to. do that. hello. i saw that coming from a mile away but yeah you can't predict the future #so makes sense too! tbh im a fuuta innocent guy but i do believe guilty first trial is best but also wow the effects of guilty 1st trial #were yeah. but taste of his own medicine (real!) i just hope the others get that too. in time.#specifically muu and kotoko bcs though i love them they still iff me a bit (is that even a word)#tbh my feelings on milgram characters are complicated but i think i'm complicating it too ngl.#obsessed with mikoto though. his voice!!! his va slaying as always #tbh w kotoko it's mostly that i think she's getting ahead of herself. in a way. i think that's how to say it but i'm not sure #with muu. i think i get her but it's more of fuuta for me and i think that's why yeah? but i like muu she was one of the first that #caught my eye from b4 i watched the mvs and all!! i think it might be that she reminds me a tiny bit of myself #but in a way i'd rather not admit or something i don't like about myself that makes me like her less. curious #hi um i wrote a lot more tags but they stopped after 30 oops. i took screenshots tho <3 anyways this is a 20 minutes post BYE

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winxys · 2 years

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anyways liz cutest prettiest sweetest most talented girl ever

#hope she knows she's so much more than whatever ppl r saying #ppl r so superficial and gross i hate them sm #it breaks my heart to think abt bc she's rlly just so sweet and kind u can tell she only wants the best for everyone around her #she deserves so much better.... :(#m.text

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bubblegumbeyotch · 2 years

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#god i’m so unhappy and i just really don’t know what to do #i tried to look at job listings today and everything i saw sounded absolutely abysmal #i feel so pathetic i just wish i could work and have a normal job and not be a fucking freak about everything #i just wanna be able to take care of myself i hate being dependent on others so fucking much #but all i have the energy to do is lay around and feel miserable and everyone keeps telling me i need to do something! anything!#and i try i really fucking do but just nothing happens bc i just have no energy for anything #i want to go to school or have a job or SOMETHING believe me i don’t want to just lay around and not do anything and have no money #it SUCKS and makes me feel awful about myself and it’s straining my relationships bc i can tell everyon:#*everyone’s tired of me acting like this and i’m tired of it too but i just genuinely don’t know how to get out of it #im so tired and depressed and i’m trying so hard not to be like i’m taking my meds and doing my basic tasks and hygiene #but beyond that i have no motivation or energy for anything else and people are concerned about me wasting my potential #and i just feel like i’m disappointing everyone and i’m just a time/money/effort suck for everyone around me #i don’t even know what would make me feel better at this point #maybe just being someone else entirely. someone who’s not a fuckup who wastes everyone’s time like me #just nothing brings me joy anymore and i’m so agitated and pessimistic about everything and i wish that i wasn’t #the only thing i know to do is to cover it up with an inflated self esteem about how hot i am and how people desire me #but that desire is always so superficial and empty and feels amazing in the moment and progressively more awful as time goes on #idk i’m just ranting at this point but just know i’m in my electra heart era and not necessarily happy about it #personal

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texas-bbq-pringles · 7 months

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#cw vent #cw medical trauma #ngl i really hate having heart problems #like maybe growing up knowing i shouldn't be here #and the fact i'll have a heart condition for the rest of my life #and my body failed me before day 1 #has kinda fucked me up #maybe they shouldn't have told my parents to treat me like a normal kid bc even if i was near enough to that physically-#i wasn't psychologically #and i get that chd wasn't as researched in psychology so i understand why #i just hope the fact that there's been more research into trauma means that chd patients get better mental health care bc it's still an-#ongoing health condition and for so many survivors it can be a huge part of our lives #like i'm lucky bc physically i don't have to worry about as much as a lot of others but the stuff i have to worry about is really bad -#for my mental health and i can't imagine how that feels for the people who have to worry about more

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noisy-weasel · 8 months

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Man how do you explain to your parents that no I don't have a future like stop pitching all these ideas to me because you sound insane. Like I guess they genuinely don't realize how close to death I am. I'd already be gone but there's no knives in the house Sharp enough. Like that's the ONLY reason I am alive. Period. And the fact I'm still here is so fucking stressful because every second I'm still alive is money and energy my family is wasting on me and I fucking hate hate hate it. Honest to god forcing people who are horribly suicidal to continue living is a crime like every year I'm still here increases how awful I feel tenfold and I should be able to buy pills that can kill myself just over the counter and there's just no excuses that I can't

#i know that sounds insane but if you've ever been horribly social you'd know how sure i am of this #it's genuinely a for society to try so hard to keep me here but there's also no resources to make me better #no healthcare no therapists can't even get afucking antidepressant without a therapist #at Least while i was still on my dads insurance my doctor couldn't put me on any #and then he forwarded me too a therapist that ALSO didn't prescribe pills #i couldn't pay for the sessions because of course i can't so WHYYYYY AREN'T YOU JUST LETTING ME KILL MYSELF???#like do you see how this doesn't make sense????#personal #suicide tw #srsly tho my parents just trying to pretend I'm not suicidal but i am genuinely going to be dead before 30 that's not a Joke that's #something i know in my heart is true #i was actually all planned and ready to kill myself when my parents went up both in July but my mom got sick and stayed home #it literally ruined everything #ahhhhhggg being alive sucks so much i feel so broken and worthless #someone buy me a knife please please please please #and honestly i think it's gotten to a point where i view getting a job as death #because i know i NEED a job because I'm nothing but a burden but i also know the moment i have money I'm starting a ticking click to my end #new killing myself is simply inevitable so getting a job ill hate (i have no prospects bc college too expensive and barely any experience #which will simply funnel me into a soul crushing American retail job)#so it's just like okay... my paychecks will be going toward a knife or a gun and itll be literally imposible for me to live if i have a #means of dying

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r-r-raf · 10 months

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🎶✨️when u get this u have to put 5 songs u actually listen to, publish. Then, send this ask to 10 of your favorite followers (non-negotiable, positivity is cool)🎶✨️

:0! Am I one of your favorite followers 🥺 ajshaa

I'm gonna be so real though. I don't listen to music much </3 I don't know what it is about me but seeking out music was never something. I got into? I didn't even fully realize that people actually for real daughter out music from specific people until one of my friends got reallyyy into music.

But! If I had to answer! Be prepared for a lot of mechs songs bc they are so in my brain. Okay.

Gunpowder Tim vs. The Moon Kaiser by The Mechanisms

Blood and Whiskey by The Mechanisms

Hellfire by The Mechanisms

One Eyed Jacks by The Mechanisms (shocker!)

And

Sincerándome by Carlos Rivera

One (1) non-mechs song. As a treat.

#asks #Friday!#I want to memorize sincerándome bc my partner hates it <3 #anyways yeah. The Mechs are sooooooooo in my brain....love them........#I don't talk abt them much but yeah.....#had to fight not to put ANOTHER hnoc song. Can u guess which one is my favorite album akdhqjs #OH ACTUALLY if I were to add another song #no tengo dinero by Juan Gabriel <33 I know that one by heart #Im trying to think of more songs that I like but don't necessarily listen to to make it sound like I have an actual taste in music #uhhhhh #I like Saint Bernard by Lincoln. I made an animatic to it once #also Only Us from DEH #uhhhh. Hear the people sing from les mis #uhhhhhhhhhhh #man this is hard #last year my top song on Spotify wrapped was a song I listened to two (2) times #so u Can imagine my struggle /d #OHHHH. THE TWO PORTAL SONGS. Still Alive and Want You Gone. How could I forget #okay I'll shut up now bc I am not making the case for myself better probably akfjajrkwh but yeah #I tried. I failed. Thank u for the ask Friday :] I appreciate it #u are super cool [finger guns]#I say this everyyy time but would love to talk to u more #so feel free to drop by whenever akdjajd #okay NOW I'm done #[hits post]

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noxtivagus · 2 years

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I'M SO SLEEPY HFLKDJA

#🌙.vent #weekends r too short i barely did anything ngl but. i did spend time w my family n some friends lately so that's nice !?!#just thinking n oh my god i hate being shy so much. i tell myself so often i need to hesitate less! but #it's just so HARD. I HATE IT BCS I REALLY WNA JUST #😭😭 i can't help but feel really bad about it bcs. i really need to..#oh my mind is such a mess rn wait but i really need to hesitate less #ok that said it's 4 am n i have to wake up in less than 3 hours. i'm sleepy but. i want to.. write whatever. i need to #it's so hard for me to bring myself to sleep until i've. written. something #writing to my friend writing to myself writing for school i don't care i really just need to write something before i sleep #this sucks bcs i'm genuinely rlly sleepy rn but i can't bring myself to just. stop wtvr n finally go to sleep #it's so. tbf it is like 4 am rn my mind is so messy #i opened up a bit to one of my online friends of my.. anxiety of like drifting apart or being distant n all #n their words reminded me of some stuff that made me reflect a bit n #i know w like. a lot of my friends i don't have to be so nervous about anything at all n i #i'm about to cry rn i blame it on the lack of sleep n the sleepiness i have rn :<#it's just such a touchy subject for me i always get very emotional when i think or reflect on what i mean to others....?#it's a really really touchy subject for me bcs it just. reminds me that i'm. actually alive n human too yk? that. this is. real i think #i'm crying this is so dumb #it's so. i hate it so much bcs at heart i know better but it's just so hard to really just accept that. i don't know #how is it like to have /me/ in your life?? in whatever way?? it just feels so unreal to me n that. probably stems from a certain #loneliness that i've grown to be used to. n then it's the root of my hesitation i Think #it's just.. rlly so hard at times to. idk i can't help but unintentionally restrain myself w others n there's just often this barrier #i hate it i'm so afraid to be hurt in any way again that even though i rlly wish this fear wasn't there it's just engraved in me #n so i wonder at times. the person others know me as. is it rlly me or just the parts they want to see. an image of me?#i hate it bcs i know certainly w the way i perceive others i love them so much wholly but accepting that for me feels so 'selfish'#i know better but it's so hard to just break out of it n i feel like a burden so often.i hate it so much i feel like i'm rarely ever enough #& i 'have' to be just enough; not too much or too little. i have. fears of what wld happen if i really be myself if i wasn't shy n all..?#n then i rlly can be too harsh on myself at times. to do things right n properly. but life is imperfect the world is imperfect n it's ok if #if i'm not too right? if i can love others unconditionally then.. surely surely i'm not exempt from that? surely i'm human too?#yk what. i'll be fine when i wake up i think i'll go sleep n do the rest tomorrow. it's been.. a month now hasn't it? 28th huh

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