#its insane i would feel bad for them if they werent so fucking mean

[chamomilewrittingblock]

Solo Leveling Brainrots

Fellow Jinwoo Simps I need your thoughts and opinion!! Also MASSIVE brainrot warning!!!

QUESTION: How do you think Jinwoo would react to his partner questioning his taste in lovers? (ie. Being interested in Reader themselves)

How id imagine the confession would go: Jinwoo, pre-awakening: I like you *holds bouquet of flowers Reader, confused: um! *looks around to see if he's talking to someone behind them before pointing at themselves confused*... me? Jinwoo: Yes, You. Reader, Shocked: oh! Um... I like you too... but *hesitates* are you sure? About me??

The feeling is mutual!!! It's just his lover doesn't have alot of confidence in themselves. Or any confidence into getting a romance with anyone, let alone Jinwoo!! Reader feels like they have ZERO RIZZ (reader has enough rizz to woo Jinwoo so...).

Like would he hype them up???? Mayhaps but in subtle ways though I'd imagine🤔🤔. You think he'd be extra affectionate when reader gets shy??? Would this differ pre and post awakening?? (I imagine Jinwoo and reader wouldn't want the relationship public due to safety since hes a hunter and all)

AND WHAT ABOUT HIS POST AWAKENING GLOWUP AND THE FANS!!! READERS ALREADY SHY BUT THE TABLOID EVENTUALLY CHIPS AT THE SLOWLY BUILT CONFIDENCE JINWOO HELPED BUILD.

OHMYGOSH WHAT ABOUT THE TABLOIDS WITH CHA HAE-IN???? WOULD HE GET WORRIED SINCE READER MIGHT GET INSECURE OR JUST KINDA SAD???

WHAT IF READER TELLS HIM THAT HE DESERVES BETTER, BELIVJNG THAT READWR DOESNT DESERVE HIS LOVE?? AAAA OUCHHHH.. I GUESS HE HAS TO STAY WITH READER AND REMIND THEM OF HIS UNWAVERING LOVE WITH CUDDLES AND QUALITY TIME DJBDBFIDN

(reader is Jinwoo's ride-or-die, the monarch of his heart and soul, the love reader gives him is like comfort of warm soup at the end of the day, the kind that soothes even the deepest of wounds. Reader's love is also a drug, one that he cant get enough of. If he loses reader, Jinwoo would go insane.)

AUDBUDBDIBD HOLY!!!! WOULD HE GET PISSED ABOUT IT AND ENDS UP GETTING CLINGY IF CRAZY SHIPPERS TRYING TO PUT READER IN DANGER IE. SENDING A MONSTER READER'S WAY BECAUSE OF THEM BEING A "THREAT" TO THEIR SHIP (HIM AND CHA HAE-IN)??? I MEAN LIKE GUIDE THE MONSTER SPECIFICALLY AWAY FROM THE DUNGEON TO READERS LOCATION TOO. (TO THE EXTENT THAT ITS CLEARLY FOUL PLAY)

LIKE THANK THE MONARCHS THAT READER HAD SHADOWS ASSIGNED AND MAYBE WAS DECENTLY RANKED AFTER AWAKENING BUT IT COULD HAVE ENDED AWFUL IF THE FATES WERENT ON READERS SIDE!!

WOULD HIS ARMY GET PROTECTIVE TOO?? IGRIS??? BERU??? LIKE HOW DARE THESE FOOLS HARM THEIR MONARCHS BELOVED?!?!?!? 😡😡EVEN WORSE IS IF READER WORMED THEIR WAY INTI THEIR HEARTS BY GENUINELY GETTING TO KNOW THEM SO ITS PERSONAL NOW TOO!!

Reader has to calm down not only a PISSED jinwoo but his Shadows too (mainly Jinwoo though)!! And maybe being the only reason Jinwoo hadn't gone on a rampage after everything setted. Was he bribed with a heated makout session and plenty of cuddles afterwards to temper his rage and soothe his anxiety, yes. Did it work??? Probably. If it did??That's none of our buisness.

Id imagie Cha Hae-in would feel bad™ if they found out about Jinwoo and reader (just assuming the two being best friends)?? Being like "oh shit someone, a civilian no less, almost died because of her fans" Even worse if later on she learns that they're together aaaaa

But like seriously, what a messed up reminder of the power S-Rank Hunter have on the media. Yes, they know about their celebrity status affecting what they can or can't do but like this??? A whole different level, because yes, people targeting other?? Awful? Yes, but its fine. Using a MONSTER FROM A DUNGEON to target a CIVILIAN?? This is a whole new level of messed up.

Would the other S-ranks and National-ranked hunters feel like kinda bad too once they hear about it??

what the fuck??? For the following reasons:

No one deserves that

Its a civilian going against fans that are most likely hunters, the very individuals hunters are ment to protect from monsters ever since the dungeons appeared

THE HUNTERS USED A HIGH RANKED MONSTER TO TARGET A CIVILIAN (the mutual enemy internationally)

this was all done because PEOPLE BEING ENTITLMENT OF THE RELATIONSHIPS OF THE S-RANK HUNTERS.

This is furthur solidified and makes the WHOLE DEBACHLE worse because only EXPERIENCED hunters would have the knowledge and experince to be able to lure a monster from a dungeon break to a specific location, especially if reader wasn't even near the dungeon in the first place.

(For anyone who's read this all the way, thanks for reading my silly thoughts!)

[raymend]

yes im making this post again because ive discovered again that 90% of my self doubt is absolutely incongruent to my real actual views on the world. what i mean is that...

for example i dont think anyone should be measured by their productivity or ability to work long hours that's insane. except for when its me? that's stupid!!

i can only pick it apart by being like Okay but this is 1. capitalist and 2. inherently ableist .

That^^ is the one way ive figured out how to continually question and work on internalized shit because it stops being about You as an individual but rather how that mindset can affect people without realising it. and i feel like this is especially important 4 ppl unlearning internalized homophobia n transphobia stuff (AND body image etc) where your internalized (now externalized) issues can absolutely trigger other people..

longer example under the cut i kept going sorry. tw transphobia

i think back to that tumblr funnyman w the crazy transmed rant (cant find it. dont really want to i remember it being pretty upsetting lol) about how he was mad that people want to see trans(masc) characters because he himself hates himself for being trans a lot & wish he was born a cis guy.. because when he was called out for it he said it was just a vent post? and even if the original posts werent full of veryyy misgendering language it would still be a weird post to make to an audience of impressionable trans kids, that being trans is some kind of mistake or problem .. it feels very irresponsible to say that, knowing the self hatred that can come along w the simple act of existing as trans and feeling different to others but then seeing someone u look up to talking about it like that..

i think especially now when state governments are doing so much homophobic and transphobic shit its more important than ever to be there for the younger members of the community and to work on your own internal biases so that you don't transfer them to the next generation. being trans doesn't have to suck that bad: it's not you that's the problem it's our transphobic society n government, and i think that's really necessary to hammer in.

i think trans doomerism is like so intensely vile because of the way that it thrives off of attacking other people (fat, gnc, poc, etc) for making it embarrassing and weird to be trans (Unlike Us Normal People Who Hate Ourselves) when its not their fuckin fault???? Hello i fucking hate optics nerds can you shut the fuck up and have empathy . Who do you think your enemy is . some neopronoun using mfs or the UNITED STATES FEDERAL GOVERNMENT !!!!!!!

and i used being trans as an example because it's the easiest to illustrate but my overarching point here is the fiona and shrek thing . YOUR negative thoughts, seemingly about just yourself, when externalized, OTHERS will extend that logic to themselves even when you don't intend it, and that's something that can be easily contributed to by societal issues & the isolation u can feel by not fitting the cishet white abled mold

[baambiireid]

Reckless

Warnings: 18+ smut, angsty??, fluff (this is my first ever story please dont be mean)

I didnt proof read cause im lazy im sorry D:

The man was agitating. Thats what you thought to yourself as you saw him grin after you just caught him staring at Tokyos ass, you didnt like him at all.

He was impulsive, non calculated and reckless. Everything you werent.

He called himself Berlin.

Of course its the capital of fucking germany could he be any more self obsessed?

You hated this man and he hadnt even introduced himself to you personally yet.

You joined this team of criminals because you desperately needed to pay off a debt your boyfriend left to some very dangerous men.

well ex boyfriend anyway, he died in a drug deal after he got reckless and tried to trick the literal henchmen of the italian mafia.

You despised reckless men so that automatically meant you would never like Berlin.

………

A week later

Youre sitting on your desk as youre talking to Tokio and Nairobi about some things the professor was saying earlier

“Its gonna be fucking insane” said Tokio

“2.4 billion dollars. im gonna fill a giant pool with money and swim in it”

Nairobi grinned,and you couldnt help but laugh, they were so positive about all of this it kind of made you feel more at ease.

“Venice do you remember how we’re getting in the royal mint you’re a crucial part to this mission” said Moscow with a stern but fatherly tone

You really liked Moscow. He was like the father you needed growing up so you wouldnt end up here.

Well

i guess thats not the best example since his own son is here with you laughing while putting his arm around you, his laugh was so contagious it made everyone happy.

“Come on papa let the girl relax a little this is her first heist”

said Denver with his arm around your shoulder, and you couldnt help but turn red from embarrassment. you had told Denver and Tokio this was your first heist accidentally after having one too many beers last night.

“WHAT?!” Exclaimed Rio from his seat

You and him were the babies of this heist both 20 and 22 years old

Only two years older and he had so much more experience in this area than you,

all these criminals made you feel intimidated, But never afraid.

Except him

You shot him a look quickly and you saw him already staring at you with a serious expression on his face, his straight posture while sitting casually and his silk blend suit on a literal Wednesday irritated you so bad for no reason

“Could this man be normal for once” you thought.

“Looks like we have a heist virgin in our midst” said Nairobi quite amused

The whole room started laughing and you couldnt help but laugh with them

You heard Berlin chuckle at Nairobis comment and that pissed you off

“Sorry not everyone wants to die at 40 because you got caught in a heist”

you almost said it out loud but stopped yourself because dying at 40 sounded better than dying at 20 on your first heist.

You overheard him talking to Helsinki and Oslo in a language you couldnt hear very well from afar

It sounded like Serbian

“ne dozvoli joj da se previše uplaši, u redu?”

You didnt know what he was saying but it still made you angry.

Obviously he knew different languages this man has to brag about himself in every country in the world.

The conversations were cut short after the professor entered the room and set some markers on his desk

“Who wants to get on this table and act like a corpse so i can teach the rest the most fatal and non fatal places to be shot in”

You shrugged as you stood up while you took off your black tight tank top and walked over to the desk

You could hear Tokyo and Denver comment on your body and oo-ing as you kept walking, wich made you laugh

You lie down as everyone gathers around you. You start feeling nervous. you had these older criminals examining your body to see wich places would kill you if you got shot in.

This was all becoming too real

Berlin seemed to notice your discomfort and with a low voice only the two of you could hear said:

“If you dont want to do this thats alright you know”

You didn’t exactly know wich this he was talking about but you got the sense he was talking about the heist in general

“Im fine.” You say with quite a passive aggressive undertone, terrified that he saw right through your fake confident facade

He smiled as he walked further away to watch the professor as he trailed lines across your chest down to your lower stomach

“The chest area is a very bad place to get shot in almost always fatal, right professor?” Said Denver with a proud smile as he looked over to his dad

“See who needs school? Im smart on my own.” Moscow placed his head in his hands and you started laughing

“Youre a corpse stop laughing” said the professor still focused on drawing lines now on your neck”

“All done” he got away from you and you looked up through your eyelashes and you could see Berlins eyes locked on yours

It gave you a weird feeling so you looked away quickly as the group was asking the professor questions you were having a hard time focusing on.

Why did this man make you feel So alarmed all the time you hated it.

………….

You were laughing watching Denver And Moscow sing and dance to a song you used to love playing back in highschool

“Maria mi vida mi amor” sang along Nairobi with an overdramatic expression on her face

Denver grabbed your hand as he spinned you around and the two of you were dancing putting on a show for everyone else

It had been almost three weeks since you came here and you were enjoying yourself a lot.

You liked hanging out with Nairobi and Tokyo in your room as you talked about what you thinkthe gang would be like outside of this place, you were glad there were some girls you could talk to

You went out every night to the balcony to have a smoke with Denver and Moscow as he lectured the two of you on how smoking was bad. Denver told you jokes and made you feel at ease, Moscow gave you comfort.

Rio was not that much older than you so your interests were mostly the same, you liked hanging out with him outside and you liked talking about musical artists you two would go and see once you got rich. You also really liked teasing him about Tokyo, he got as red as a kid in elementary school talking about her and it was cute.

You hadnt felt that feeling in so long you wondered if you were capable of ever feeling it again

Oslo and Helsinki were those two guys that looked the scariest but were actually the nicest out of all, toughest and took orders sure but mean? Never. you listened as Helsinki talked about their time in the serbian army and you were intrigued at whatever he had to say.

The only one you didnt have a relationship with was Berlin, He had his eyes fixed on you as you danced with Denver. You dont know why you didnt like talking to him, you hadnt even made an effort to get to know him. All you knew is that he was a narcissist that was extremely talented in his field of work and that he’d been divorced 5 times, wich is never a good sign.

You looked at him and kept your eyes locked at him this time as you gave him a small half hearted smile wich he returned.

…….

It was the night before the heist

1:16 am on the clock

You couldnt sleep. You were terrified, it was fun preparing for it but to actually be there pointing a gun at people?

You were practically shaking.

You got up and instinctively went upstairs to the balcony hoping Moscow was there but to your dismay there was no one

You sighed and saw your breath on the cold October air as you leaned on the railing, you were trying to calm down by telling yourself that everything would be fine.

“Couldnt sleep ?” You heard a voice that made your breath get caught in your throat

Berlin

“No..” you looked behind you and saw him in a black shirt and grey sweatpant bottoms wich was so out of character for him, that alone made you smile

“The first heist is always the scariest” he said as he walked over to the railing and placed himself next to you

You looked up at him with an annoyed expression on your face “im not scared!”

He laughed and you looked at him as the moonlight hit his face, he looked almost nice for once.

who were you kidding? the man was gorgeous, until he opened his mouth.

“Please ive watched you this past month youre too proud to admit it but you are scared, hell im scared too and ive done this too many times to be ”

“You are?” You almost felt relieved that he was feeling scared too, you werent alone.

He looked at you “of course i am im human aswell” he said smirking

You let out a small laugh

“Aw come on dont laugh at me i pour my heart out to a beautiful woman and i get a laugh of pity”

You didnt know what expression you were making right now or why all of a sudden the cold October air turned into a hot july night but you could definitely tell your heartbeat was beating out of your chest at the compliment this man you loathed just said.

Hate isnt supposed to feel like this right?

Changing the topic he broke the silence after you stood there staring at each other like idiots “Venice youre a smart young girl with a future ahead of her, tell me why are you here?”

You look down and immediately say “no personal questions remember”

“Of course i do im just.. intrigued by you i guess”

There it is again, your heartbeat is so loud youre scared he can hear it too

“Nope!” You smiled and looked up at him

“Come on im not gonna tell the professor you know.”

“Nuh-uh”

He laughed “what are you a middle schooler?”

You stood infront of him preparing to smack him as he grabbed your wrist gently

“You cant hurt me bambi”

“Bambi?” You look up at the 6’2 man standing infront of you as your cheeks turned redder than Rios when talking about Tokyo

“It just came to me, its like we’re bringing Bambi with us”

You started laughing as he let go of your wrist and looked at you.

“I’ll make you a deal Berlin.”

“Lets hear it”

“You tell me your name ill tell you mine”

“I cant” he simply said

“Then i guess ill just be Venice to you”

You started walking back inside when he grabbed your waist and twirled you around placing both hands on your hips, gripping them tight

You gasped as he got closer to you

“No, You’re Bambi to me”

Your knees got weak and you almost fell over at his words and actions, he kept you in place for a while before eventually letting go.

“Im sorry Venice i was only teasing” he said in a worried expression after seeing that you were staying silent

“Its okay” you say kind of disappointed he said he was only teasing you but also suprised why it did.

“Dont call me bambi infront of the team and were okay”

He smiles “deal”

You start walking back inside

“Goodnight Asshole”

He lets out a little chuckle “Good night bambi”

Once youre in your room you realise you feel much more at ease about the heist and much more scared about something else.

You werent scared of being in the heist if berlin was there

You repeat that in your head for what it feels like 100 times

Youre not scared if berlin is there

What the hell?

Why did he give you this sense of comfort when you knew him. You knew guys like Berlin, they always wanted to be the center of attention even if it means bad attention.

Reckless men and you weren’t exactly compatible.

Your ex boyfriend was cheating on you with a much older woman that happened to be part of a drug cartel, the one that got him killed, you were crushed when you found out.

He broke up with you and confessed that he was in love with her a week after meeting, He died the next month and now youre stuck here paying his debts. Because his recklessness got him killed.

You hated that he was so hot headed so impulsive so stupid. you made a promise to yourself you would never hang around those type of men ever again

You only ended up getting hurt in the end.

26 october, the day of the heist you were one of the first to wake up together with moscow as denver walked behind you grumbling that it was too early

“Dont be a big baby denver”

Moscow chuckles as you walked outside and saw The professor talking to Berlin

Berlin looked at you and you looked away in embarrassment remembering what happened last night.

You sat down as the rest of the group woke up and came down.

The professor explains the plan in immense detail one more time as you all get ready for the biggest heist of your lives.

Well yours at least

……….

You pretended you werent scared as you gathered the hostages together with Rio, you were pointing a gun at them and hoped no one would notice your hands were shaking.

Berlin was looking at you with an almost apologetic look on his face.

And you hated it, you didnt want anyone to pity you especially not him

You looked away and started walking upstairs towards Nairobi

you heard her talk to the hostages on how much money they were going to print.

Everything was going smoothly.

The professor checked in alot telling you what the police were saying and what you needed to do.

You had 11 days to print 2,4 billion dollars, you couldn’t help but smile to yourself as you walked downstairs to the hostages.

You were ordered by the professor to make them all get in their jumpsuits

“Alright everyone lets make this short and sweet, the jumpsuits and masks are to your left if you could just strip and wear these and we’ll be good to go”

Some of the hostages started undressing and a man approached you,

Arturo Roman the director of the royal mint.

You looked at him with a blank expression and told him to go back to the rest

“Youre animals, youre gonna make us all get undressed here you perverts!”

You could feel the anger boiling inside of you but you also understood where he was coming from

“Why dont you get undressed so we can all look at you instead?!” he said with anger in his voice

You kept staring, mostly out of shock that this idiot was really playing with his life here.

Until he grabbed your arm and pushed you “what are you like 20 what the fuck do you think youre doing here with them?! Do you honestly think we’re scared of you”

You flinched when he raised his hand at you, you reached for your gun but before you could point it at him someone steps in your way.

Berlin with a furious expression on his face pointing the gun straight at Arturos head

“Arturito dont do that… you see shes a young girl and immediately make her feel threatened? What kind of director are you”

he was smiling but the look in his eyes made it seem like he would kill him on the spot and would have no remorse

“Im so sorry i- i dont know what got over me”

“No no arturito not to me, you apologize to poor Venice here.”

“Im so sorry.. uh venice”

“Talk to me like that again and i will blow your brains out, you hear me?”

He looks terrified and you hear Berlin let out an amused laugh as you walk away.

You go to the bathroom to wash your face and calm down.

Berlin walks in

“Berlin what the hell this is the girls bathroom can you read?!”

“I just came here to see if you’re alright”

“Im fine why would you think im not?”

“I saw the way you flinched when he raised his hand at you”

You stayed quiet you didnt think anyone noticed

“Its not your job to protect me Berlin im not a child, you dont know anything about me so leave me alone!”

You walked out before you could start feeling bad about what you said

…….

You were asking the hostages if they needed any pills for illnesses or other stuff, alot of people were diabetic so you took notes and remembered what everyone needed

“I need an abortion pill” you heard a blonde curly headed woman say and before anyone could say anything Berlin simply nodded at her and said

“You will all get your pills tomorrow morning”

You were in the bathroom washing your jumpsuit cause you spilled something on it earlier, when that same curly headed woman walked in, you gave her a polite smile when you saw that she was scared.

“I know this isnt ideal im sorry but i promise we’re not going to hurt you”

She seemed a bit comforted by this

“How far along are you” you heard yourself ask and immediately felt bad

“I just found out, the fathers not in the picture so theres no way i can keep it”

“Its arturo isnt it.. the babys father”

She looked up shocked on how you knew

“Y-yeah” she said and she looked like she was about to cry

“Hes a pig” you say with a smile

She starts laughing

“Listen its your choice but for what its worth, i think you’d be a great mother”

She smiles and thanks you

“Im monica by the way”

“You can call me venice” you say smiling

“Venice, pretty I’ve wanted to visit it one day”

“You will once you get out of here.” You gave her a kind smile to reassure her that your plan wasnt to hurt the hostages.

Or at least it wasnt.

………..

You heard denver and berlin yelling at each other as you ran upstairs, monica looked terrified

“YOU CANT DO THIS BERLIN THE PROFESSOR SAID NO-“

“No hostages get hurt, but she had a phone”

You were dumbfounded, was Berlin really going to kill Monica?!

“Fuck you you peice of shit youre not killing her” Denver said with venom on his voice

“No.. youre right im not. You are” he said

“WHAT?! Fuck you i would never kill someone”

“Thats an order.”

Monica started crying and hyperventilating as you ran towards her, she pushed you away

“I thought you said you werent gonna hurt us” she said crying

“Berlin please there has to be another way stop being so reckless” you told him

“There isnt, go Venice this doesn’t concern you.” You almost start crying.

stealing money was different but killing somebody.. you hadn’t signed up for this.

“Berlin im begging you dont do this” you say with tears streaming down your face.

He looks almost upset but doesnt say anything to you and just walks away “get the job done denver” he says before walking into his office

“Fuck you maniac i hate you!” You yell as you look at him entering his office and closing his door

Denver grabbed Monica and you could hear her wailing, you dropped to your knees and started breathing heavily

You were having a panic attack.

You woke up an hour later in an office, you were covered with a blanket you. saw Berlin looking at you

“ i didnt want to have to do that you know”

“Fuck you” you say as you get up

“You had a panic attack you passed out.”

“You should’ve left me there i dont want to be around you”

“Bambi this isnt a game these are our lives at stake. I did it for all of us, i did it for you”

“Dont call me that, and dont try to sell me this hero bullshit, youre nothing but a reckless maniac”

You stood up as you got to open the door and he slammed it shut from behind you.

“I like you bambi” he says as he pins you against the wall his body so close to you you can feel his chest panting up and down

“youre a nice girl, with ambition and a fiery attitude when needed.. but do not provoke me anymore than you already have”

He says with such a sweet voice it would be impossible to think hes threatening you

“Just because i like you does not mean i wont treat you like the rest when needed” he lets go and you’re stuck there dumbfounded

“Im sorry about Monica i really am, i know you liked her”

You didnt say anything as you went outside

………

Berlins face was all over the news

Andres de fonollsa - human trafficker

You were horrified and devastated for some reason.

The same man who was always gentle with you and helped you when you had panic attacks was a trafficker

You couldnt help but start crying

Sure he was a maniac and all but you never thought he would be capable of doing such vile things.

And thats why you went to his office.

You knocked,

There was no answer you left and you heard yelling upstairs

Once you walked in you saw Berlin with a bloody nose, his hand on Nairobi’s throat

“BERLIN WHAT THE FUCK LET HER GO!”

“Dont bother Venice, hes a pervert and a pedophile”

Berlin looked disgusted at her words

You looked horrified

He could tell.

He let Nairobi go and she left the room scoffing at him, leaving only the two of you in there.

Berlin put his hands on the table and looked away from you. Expecting for you to say hurtful words like Nairobi did

“Berlin.. is it true?”

He scoffs in anger

“Its not bambi its not true, theyve ruined my life, i would never touch a woman let alone a minor” he seemed disgusted by talking about it alone

Something in your heart told you that he was telling you the truth

You got closer. He looked up and saw you walking towards him.

You didnt know what was going on through your head your only logical explanation was that you had a brain eating parasite making you act insane

You took his hand and he looked at you with confusion in his eyes

“I believe you Andres” you liked calling him by his name

He smiled before pulling you closer and hugging you so tightly you could barely breathe, it seemed like if he let go you would disappear

“Thank you bambi” he whispered and kissed the top of your head

He let go and you looked up at him with a smile

“Everyones gonna be okay alright? Were all gonna make it out of here and ill beat the asses out of everyone who spread false allegations about you!” You say quite proud of yourself

And he bursts into laughter and you cant help but just look at him as he laughed, he had such a nice laugh, you wanted to hear it for the rest of your life.

What?!

Venice shut the fuck up you thought to yourself as you started laughing with Berlin.

……

“Denver didnt put the button in the car, it was me” said the professor on the phone to Berlin

“The plan was not to harm hostages Berlin and you went and got one killed”

“About that..” said Berlin “Helsinki bring her in”

You saw Helsinki carrying Monica and you gasped, she had been shot in the thigh but not killed. Denver was hiding her. You were incredibly relieved Denver didnt have a corpse in his hands.

You went to hug Denver and he hugged you back, you saw Berlin looking at you with a weirs look on his face and you couldnt figure out what it was.

“As you can see professor no hostages were harmed in this heist” he said with a smirk on his face

“This was only a lucky coincidence Berlin, next time dont be so reckless “

…….

It had been a couple of days since Berlin had punished Tokyo by throwing her to the police, and you were devastated.

You loved Tokyo and this maniac took her away from you.

Its true you sided with Berlin when everyone was pointing guns at each other, but thats because you trusted the professor.

You would never admit it but you trusted Berlin too.

You werent speaking to him

“Bambi please understand i had to do it”

Youve been ignoring him since he threw Tokyo out and you werent planning on talking to him

You two were interrupted by Rios voice

“OPEN THE DOORS, TOKYOS COMING BACK!!”

You ran to the door and pressed the button ecstatic that tokyo was going to be okay.

You saw her on a motorcycle speeding while the police were shooting at her

“We have to cover her Denver lets go”

Denver followed behind you

The adrenaline was pumping through your veins as you kept shooting at the officers

Youve never told anyone this, but you did actually have training and were quite good at shooting. Tokyo got inside and the doors were closing,

it was over.

Rio ran to kiss Tokyo and you smiled

You looked down. And saw your shoulder and leg bleeding heavily

You had been shot.

Berlin ran to you and caught you as you fell he was yelling so loud but you couldnt make sense of what he was saying.

Denver started running to get the first aid kit as everyone started panicking.

“ if she dies im blowing this whole place up with all of you in it you fucking hear me!?” Berlin said furiously

“Shes the only one who didnt deserve this shit.. are you fucking serious Tokyo?! Her life is on your hands, and if she dies im ending yours first.

Tokyo was sobbing as rio was holding her.

You woke up later with an iv standing on your left side and everyone gathered around you

“Hey how are you feeling?” Said Nairobi with tears in her eyes

“Never better” you say smiling, still high from the doses of morphine they gave you to stop the pain

Everyone laughs except Berlin, hes as white as a ghost and he doesnt even look at you.

“Youre made of stone you know” says Denver smiling “getting shot twice and still surviving is amazing”

Your eyes fill with tears and you start crying “im gonna be okay?” You say your voice quivering

You didnt realise how scared you were of dying until you came face to face with it

Nairobi runs and hugs you crying

“Yes you are my love, yes you are.”

Tokyo starts sobbing and apologising profusely

“Im so sorry Venice, im such an idiot”

“Tokyo you have nothing to be sorry about i would rather die protecting my friends than doing nothing at all”

You say as you grab her hand and try sitting up.

Your shoulder hurts but you manage to to do so.

“Alright guys im fine now you can go i want to rest a little bit alone”

Everyone started leaving and as he was turning away from you, you grabbed Berlin’s hand.

“Andres..”

He looks back at you and you can see his eyes were filled with tears.

You’re shocked this man actually had feelings, let alone for you.

“I.. i thought we lost you.. i lost you”

Your lips part, youre shocked at his words

You didnt realise how much Berlin meant to you up until that moment.

You didnt hate him

You loved him

“I wasnt gonna die without doing this first”

You take his face in your hands and you crash your lips into his

For the first time in your life being reckless.

He grabbed the back of your head and tugged at your hair

You gasped wich gave him access to stick his tongue in your mouth

You didnt know whether you were still high on morphine or if it was the kiss that was making you feel this way but you were in a different world.

He pulled away so quick you were scared you did something wrong

“Fuck.. we.. i shouldnt be doing this”

“Andres its ok-“

“call me Berlin we are not friends Venice.”

Youre so hurt from his words and from the fact that he called you Venice you cant even say anything in return.

You can feel the tears streaming down your face. He looks at you with an almost sad expression on his face and walks out quickly.

…….

You hadnt talked to him since then.

youve been hanging around Denver and Monica, but you couldnt tell them what had happened, you were too embarrassed.

Berlin watched you all the time and you didnt even realise this was harder on him than it was on you.

All he wanted was to kiss you and make you his that day. But he was so scared of risking that youd get hurt again he would rather let you go.

Thats what he thought up until he saw how Denver had his arm around you kissing your head all the time as you laughed at his jokes.

“Whats so funny about him?” he thought to himself as he looked at you laughing

He was a disciplined man he wouldnt let jealousy get to him. Hed never been jealous before. But ust as Denver left you alone, Berlin rushed towards you

“What the fuck am i doing” he thought as he kept walking towards you

You notice him and before you can walk away he grips your arm and drags you with him

You gasp as he takes you into his office and pins You against the wall.

“I tried bambi i really tried” he says as he drops his head to your neck.

“Berlin.. what?” You say practically panting

“I cant think straight when it comes to you bambi im sorry”

You hear him say, his voice muffled from your collarbones.

“Why do you let him touch you like that”

“Who Denver?!” You say shocked. Was he watching you two?

“He shouldnt touch what is mine”

He looks up at you and youre just standing there flabbergasted cheeks red as a tomato.

Before you can say anything he kisses you so hard youre worried youre gonna fall over

Hes kissing you like a man starved his hands roaming up and down your body as he moves his hips against you.

Hes rock hard and you cant help but feel aroused

He starts kissing your neck and sucking on it and you think to yourself that he definitely wants to leave a mark.

You let out a little moan and he groans

“Fuck dont do that youre gonna drive me insane” he says with a raspy low voice

You start unzipping your jumpsuit and he unzipps his and lets it drop to his feet.

He takes off your shirt so fast you dont even process whats happening.

Youre standing infront of him with a lace white bra and matching panties

“Hermosa” he says as he looks you up and down for what it feels like forever

Youre growing desperate and you dont even think before you say

“Berlin..please”

He looks at you his eyes darker than they used to be, his pupils dilated like 4 times the time they normally are.

He starts kissing you so fast youre sure youre both gonna tip over

He grabs your boobs and continues to kiss you

He moves a finger on top of your underwear and you gasp

“So wet for me, my bambi”

Your cheeks get redder than they already are, you didnt think they could.

He pushes your panties to the side and starts rubbing circles on your folds

You cant help but push your hips forward as he does

He steps back and looks in your eyes

“I want those pretty eyes to be on me all the time, got it?”

“Y-yes” you say moaning as he inserts two fingers inside of you

“Does my pretty girl feel good?”

“Berlin.. fuck! Feels so good.”

Just as you were getting close he takes his fingers out of you

“I want to make you feel good bambi, not just now. I want to when we get out of here aswell” he says looking deeply into your eyes

“I would like that too berlin” you say smiling

He kisses you but this time he takes his time kissing you slowly as you slide your hand down his boxers.

Hes big.. bigger than anyone youve ever been with

“I’ll be gentle mi vida dont worry” he says smiling after seeing the visible shock on your face

You look up at him

“I can take it”

His eyes grow darker and he looks surprised

“Whats this? does my little bambi like to be rough?”

You nod profusely

He grabs you by your thighs making sure he doesnt hurt your wounded leg in the process and places you down on his desk

You lie down and he gets on top of you

He places himself inside of you and you shut your eyes tightly

“Fuck Bambi” he says placing his head on your neck

“You feel so good” he says as he starts thrusting in and out of you

“Berlin oh my god” you cant hear how loud both of you are being but if the printing machines werent on everyone would be hearing this right now

“All mine, youre all mine bambi” he says as he speeds up and you clench around him

“Berlin fuck im so close”

“Keep your eyes on me pretty girl i want to see you come”

You keep repeating his name as you feel youre reaching climax

“Call me by my name i want to hear it out of your pretty mouth”

“Andres fuck im coming” you say as your entire body starts twitching he comes right after you while groaning.

He picks you up and kisses you.

“I love you mi sol” he says and your eyes light up

“I love you too andres”

……….

Your time in the royal mint was being cut short, you had to leave.

Now.

The tunnel had been dug and the police had already gotten in, you heard Tokyo and Rio shooting their guns and trying to buy time.

You were with Berlin at the machines checking if the money was all good to go

You grab your gun and start running downstairs

“Where are you going?!” Says Berlin with a worried tone in his voice

“I have to go help them Andres” you say

He looks worried but he lets you go

“Be safe mi sol” he kisses you quick as you run towards the gun shots

“I wont die Andres, we have to get out of here together” you say smiling

He smiles at you but he cant help but be worried, he wants to follow you but he knows thats not part of the plan.

Youre shooting your gun with Rio and Tokyo and youre sure youve never been more terrified in your life.

Denver and Monica come and you almost start laughing when you see monica shooting a gun at the officers

Looks like we have a new member

You run to the tunnel as Rio and Tokyo get inside, then Nairobi Denver and Monica, then Oslo and Moscow and then finally you see Berlin

“Andres come on lets go!”

“Theres no time.” He says

“Helsinki take her” your eyes widen

“Andres what the hell are you doing?” You say with panic in your voice

“Im sorry bambi, this is goodbye. I love you” you start sobbing

“Fuck you no dont do this”

Helsinki grabs you and takes you inside the vault as you start wailing

“Helsinki put me the fuck down”

He does.

“Let me go please.” You say pleading

“But berli-“

“Please i would rather die than lose him”

He sighs “if this is goodbye i really liked you venice dont be reckless if all goes to hell turn yourself in”

Berlin makes you reckless, you love this side of you. You cant lose him

You step out of the vault and you see Berlin waiting with a pistol in his hands, he turns around and his eyes widen.

“No no no bambi what are you doing”

“Youre not getting rid of me Andres.. you asked me a month a go why i was here, i lost my boyfriend because he was reckless like you. Im not going to lose the love of my life the same way”

His eyes fill with tears “i love you bambi i always will”

“I love you too” you say as you grab your gun

The police come and both of yoy start shooting, its all so intense and terrifying and reckless.

You sit behind the machine gun while Berlin shoots and you reload the gun

“Bambi if we dont make it out of here,i want to know your name”

“Eliana marie soles”

He looks at you with love in his eyes

“Eliana marie de fonollosa when we get out of here. I’m gonna buy you a ring so big theyre gonna be able to see it from the space station”

You smile, this was the most romantic and scariest moment in your life.

Youre not dying today.

You grab his hand and take him inside the vault running.

He closes the door behind you and covers your head.

Grenades explode and the lights go out.

Now is your chance.

You grab Andres’ hand and lead him in the tunnel

You made it out

You see nairobi and she runs to hug you while the professor goes to hug Andres

“We made it” you say

Berlin looks at you from afar and mouths i love you.

……..

365 days after the heist

Its a saturday morning, You woke up and saw Andres tangled up with you holding your waist

You smile and make a mental note on how cute he looks when he sleeps.

He hears you move and wakes up immediately placing soft kisses on your neck and lips

“Good morning My pretty Eliana”

“Good morning Andres” you say smiling

It had been a year of dating this absolute idiot

After the heist you and him both bought an island and have been living there since.

Its been like heaven on earth, Andres was perfect he loved you so much.

He was like a puppy, if you left the room for more than 5 minutes he’d miss you.

The recklessness you once hated about him was now your most favorite thing ever.

This man had changed your life completely. He had made it fun, exciting

But most importantly he made it safe.

And you would never want it any other way.

[terraliensvent]

good gpd im so frustrated with stuff in terras rn. idont care anymore if they know who i am im jyst. so so frustrayed. its so hard to get stuff u want without spending money and im really lucky i have 3 terras. but oh god its so frustrating seeing people ask for. what even was it. asking for 14 myos. for 1 terra. it makes me so unvelievably angry!!

not tomention the way terra staff picked all the people who werent that active in chats. but just because they knew eachother well and were friends. it makes me lose hope for ever being a syaff and helping make this cs a little better :(

also how terra gas are always peopel with super detailled "pop" styles. like yeah youre picking smaller artists but.. yhey all have very similar styles and. its discouraging to someone with a chibi style who just really likes designing terras. it makes me wanna leave so bad.

and i. i cannot handle some of the members sometimes. some members will talk about how they dony have much money, like someone said they didnt have money for something. then immediately after bought a terra??? i mean i get that it can be addicting n stuff but. its so so frustrating oh god.

especially when people like. are talking about stuff and someone mentions something cpmpletely off topic. i could understanf if!!! maybe !! they asked nicely for a topic change and left it at tht but. ive seen people spam their own topics in the middle of another convo.

also i dont even wanna mention the trading scene. its insane. man i. ive been condidering leaving for sonlong mostly from members and specific staff. but. aughhhgg i love terras so much i just. wish i could make it better. i genuinely cry over it bc . i love terras so so much but its all going to shit . :C

im mostly just frustrated with dtaff constantly taking customs because if the staff customs channel and their new godly role. it sucks. it makes people feel like their artvisnt worth it, seeinh bids surpass thr hundreds while some camnot sell a fullbody for $5 just bc bias.

if staff see this, im sorry. i wish i didnt have yo go on a vent blog to say this. but i know saying it in the server would just get me silenced. please try to help with these issues seen here. and im genuinely so sorry, i really want to help, but this is the only way i can help now: giving criticism. i hope things change and i can enjoy terras again. i also hope staff are okay, i do not eant this to be mean or stressing in any way. :C [sorry for the typos mod i am very shaky rn and in a bus and carsick so im trying to fix them as mucj as i can. and ty for dealing witg all the drama.]

im sorry youre having such a bad time anon, it can be difficult once you realize all the deep cracks within the foundation of something you like

youre right in saying the trading scene is absolutely insane rn, people have decided that myos arent as powerful of a trading chip anymore but theyre still just as difficult to get, what the FUCK would someone even need 14 myos for

the staff has always been cliquey, if youre not in their little friend group you might as well be dirt, and theyre so biased toward pop artists, thats why kiwi rot was allowed to make a feral terra custom even while the hammer was coming down hard on them.

members are so rude and im tired of people pretending theyre not. at some point you gotta wonder how many times someone will breach social contract again and again regardless of every single time theyre politely told to wait their turn, just say you want to butt in and be done with it. ive never seen so many people absolutely unable to actually pay attention to the conversation at hand and it really seems like they just want to hear themselves talk

staff as a role is just a pretty little modifier to say “im elite, now drop $100s on my customs so you can immediately trade it off and say ‘looking for staff swaps ONLY if you offer me anything else u r getting blocked xoxox’”, none of them actually really use the new role to bring new viewpoints to the species or to make systems move faster, if they were then youd think we would actually have implemented more site functionality than one single fucking forage button and people wouldnt have to wait upwards of 2 weeks to get a myo design approved

terras biggest downfall is that every single person in the server is too sensitive for criticism and take it way too personally, that way everything gets silenced and nothing gets better.

personally anon, i suggest distancing yourself a bit. when i started moving away from the species and focusing on irl self improvement, i felt so much better (and started saving a lot of money)

[matoitech]

ok uhh okay. spiderverse 2 thoughts. in bullet points for the sake of my churning brain cuz im just not rly sure how i feel abt it rn. like it was a good movie? i enjoyed it it was fast paced i didnt realize 2+ hours went by which also segues into  my first thought but like. yeah i have thoughts.

first of all that was like a super weird ending decision to make it a part 1 of 2. zero warning for that. and i sat in that theater till credits bcuz i genuinely thought i was being punked and the movie was going to finish, bcuz it did not at all feel like a place to stop for the movie. it ends like right before the climax?? yes they really. extended themselves damn far for this one and it would be a lot to tie up in like another 45 minutes of movie but also like you couldve done it.. i really dont. understand. like ppl just sat in the movie theater like wait is it done. theyre ending it here? for real? like it wasnt the kind of ending you expect from this movie 

animation was obviously gorgeous and insane i dont even need to talk about what eye candy it was. the different styles all together the fight scenes ugh so good yeah yeah everyone knew it would be a trip

rly cannot stress enough what a Direction this sure was. i dont like say it as crit necessarily just like. did they over extend. maybe. they sure Extended. i would expect this maybe for a third movie not a second but they were clearly trying to blow the first one out of the water. it was just.. a lot looser. it needed to be tighter. i dont know what theyre planning for the 3rd movie but i really did not like. vibe with that ending decision

they changed peni’s design slightly and gave her a cooler mech so thats nice. maybe they listened 2 criticisms abt that

i cant decide how i feel abt a lot of the dialogue tbh it rly wasnt my thing a lot of the time like. the changing writers were kind of.. obvious. and there was a LOT of dialogue bcuz this movies purpose seems to be a very Character Driven story to prepare for the next? like theyre TRYING to say stuff thats for sure. also it was rly quippy in a way that i feel has gotten kind of tired with dialogue writing like SOME dialogue was genuinely funny and good to me like i wouldnt say it was BAD or something (some of it was bad.) it was just.. noticeably different? the tone for this movie was changed from the first which again isnt bad youre telling a different story it was just Different yeah. some things i rly thought couldve been handled like with more subtlety. 

i guess we only had one movie with the original cast but some stuff just like i personally was sitting there trying to figure out if it felt in character or not. its rly hard to explain if u havent watched it i think and maybe im just crazy i dunno. im absolutely not opposed to making ur characters fuck up and make mistakes but like. huh. i guess. i would not expect otherwise from gwen bcuz shes a teenager but i was.. surprised that peter was going along with it like ? hes a middle aged man lol he wasnt like taken advantage of or manipulated in any way. not like they were trying to say that w the like spider group anyway, like i dont think they were tryingto say gwen was necessariyl taken advantage of or anything, like they werent trying to make them read as ‘evil’ if anything just like wow these ppl sure have Problems they are going thruogh. but like still? im not invested in peters character even it just felt kind of weird. miles went fucking through it too like jesus christ im still trying to wrap my brain around all this it sure does feel like theyre putting these ppl thru comic book trauma

what i went through emotionally wheni realized they were going to do Dark Miles i dont even mean that as criticism or anything its just a bold move man. buti was sitting there like yeah of course they would. hope they make it work

i dunno i probably have more thoughts im just kind of like sitting here lol like what a weird decision. if they hadnt ended it like that i probably would have my thoughts more tied together bcuz the movie itself wasnt tied up?? so its kind of hard to even like think through everything on one watch

[yuukei-yikes]

Which is better? Hs harutaka or POST STR harutaka?

why is this written in a funny font. am i the only one seeing the font. i feel so intimidated. like damn bro ill answer put the gun down

anyways neither of them is better or worse i ❤️ both. One cannot exist without the other. both are good they're just a little different dynamics 🙏🙏🙏 like one is awkward cringe teenager crush and the other is married era. you know. how do u compare. like both are good?? its just in one theyre younger and in the other theyre older (= yet to be traumatized vs traumatized)

personally i do like seeing post str content a little more just because ITS THE HAPPY ENDING YKNOW..and its haruka&takane finding their way back to each other after everything and i i i i i *descent into madness* also i think there's generally a lot more fan content set in the hs days so i sigh longingly abt post str content everyday. but cringy hs harutaka has to exist to give place to cringy older harutaka you know!! they can be like oh my gooood our ocs. we were so cringe. anyways our wedding rings should say player 1 and player 2. that is so not cringe like we used to be :333 like theyre still very much cringe you know. but they think they arent. they're like we're GROWN now we aren't LIKE THAT anyway asterisks nuzzles&kisses asterisks... :3 xddddd!!! because they compare to how they used to be and the bar is low and also theyre so happy that theyre together that they kinda. cant see how fucking embarrassing they are. thats what live shintaro reaction is good for 🙏

like im sorry im all for blushing mess takane and stuff like yeahyeahyeah i get it but girl.... i hate when ppl make it like she totally reverts back to how she used to be. like u cannotttt miss the point so badly. takane never thought she'd see haruka again her ass IS NOT wasting her chance being that embarrassed now. that's a huge pet peeve i have with fan content like both in hs/str settings where takane can't behave like a normal person around haruka like that's SOOOO untrue. they're best friends she's totally normal to him even if she gets silly sometimes. like there are so many examples but my favorite is in the sixth novel when takane calls haruka on the phone and she's kinda like OMGGG IF U WERENT BUSY ID TOOOTALLY WOULD'VE TAKEN U SOMEWHERE YOU WOULD'VE LOOOOVED... and haruka's like UM HEHE next time ok!! and takanes like NOT GONNA HAPPENNNN❤️❤️❤️ stupid fucking cringe ass flirting sorry like. sorry. not only is she able to speak normally but she cringely flirts with him. and when ppl make it like she can't speak while around him or is just grumpy 1000% of the time it makes me sick. LIKE haruka describes her as easily excitable and like a gentle girl and i ugh *BITE BITE BITE BITE BITE BITE* SHE'S SO INSANELY MISUNDERSTOOD BC PEOPLE WANNA PUT HER IN THE TSUNDERE BOX SO BAD

also COME ON what i love abt her is that as soon as she figures out she likes him she makes a run for it and despite she's terrified she wants to tell him?? and none of her thoughts are abt OHH BUT WHAT IF HE DOESNT LIKE ME BACK like TAKANE NEVER EVER wonders if haruka likes her back once she figures it out. only ayano's lesbian ass says anything abt haruka reciprocating or not. she's not worried abt being rejected... or she dies before she could worry LMAOOOO but she's just terrified she cannot tell him how much he means to her. and then she really CANT tell him, and she has to live with that regret for what she thinks is gonna be forever, but then she DOES see him again. she IS able to tell him. sorry. she would be so insanely cringely embarrassingly happy that she doesnt give a fuck abt being all blushing COME ON. ofc she would get embarrassed but no more or less than haruka lol. and haruka is like WHAA??? MEEEE??? NO WAY....MEEEE??? OMG...HEHE... WAIT MEEEE??? FOR REALLLL??? HEHEH....WAIT LIKE MEEEE!?!?!?!?! the sillies *goes crazy* theyre so cringe and gross kissing together but good for them

and i KNOW how in their chapter together in the eighth novel takane's kinda grumpy but listen. i will defend her here. they LOST. novel route is not a good ending. and takane HATES LOSING‼️‼️‼️ haruka literally comments it, like he says takane hates losing. like am i forever mad jin robbed us of seeing them actually reunite and we only get a short as hell little moment between them that compared to everyone else's moments feels slapped on last minute? yeah a little. is it still well written and a rly solid harutaka moment? yes🙏 like not only the bit abt haruka saying he loved takane's snippy attitude but also ene's high energy and etcetc but like. ausnfknxoenxkeix GOD i love at the end when takane smirks and then haruka thinks abt how easily influenced he's always been by her and also smirks and theyre just kinda smirking to each other like HEH HEH HEH.. YEAH NEXT TIME WE WILL WIN. fuckingidiots smiling like that ABOUT THE FACT THEIR REALITY IS ABOUT TO BE RESET AND ESSENTIALLY ARE ABOUT TO DIE ONLY TO MEET AGAIN NEXT TIME AND GO THROUGH EVERYTHING AGAIN. BUT THEIR ASSES ARE LIKE >:3!! LITERALLY SO SILLY. sorry. i love them. i excuse takane grumpiness for this reason like it was NOT an ideal happy ending so ofc she wasn't super into it 💔

AND ANYWAYS IM PROVEN RIGHT BY LOST DAY HOUR MANGA *KISSES AND TUCKS IT IN BED* LOST DAY HOUR MANGA💞💘💖💕💝💝💗 TAKANE'S SO CHEERFUL IN IT🥺🥺🥺 AND IVE ALWAYS KNOWN. IVE ALWAYS SAID IT. AND THEN THAT CAME OUT AND I WAS PROVEN RIGHT. NEVER FUCKING DOUBT ME

i need to explode. or whatever. My dumbass thinking this was gonna be a short reply

[kevin6942069]

ST SEASON4 VOL 2 SPOILERS!

a/n i know i said i wouldnt write angst butttt... yk im really upset atm so lets make that into art lmao, anyways not proof read so im srry for any mistakes

summary: you and eddie got in a fight, then when he goes into the upside down, stuff happens.

tw/cw: blood, mentions of gore, death, and loads of angst with zero fluff, cursing and beer

word count and reading time: 1,930 words and 7 minutes to read

“WELL IS IT MY FUCKING FAULT YOU ARE AN IDIOT?” 

“....”

eddie was silent, he didnt reply. eddies never seen you get so upset at him, let alone actually yell at him. sure, youve had dumb fights in the past or youd jokingy yell at him if he tickled you or something but it never was this bad.

he tried to tell you about the groups plan to go into the upside down and “save the world” but you werent having it, i mean, who would?

who would let their boyfriend into some insane world with monsters and straight up killing machines?! you sure werent going to let him though.

“you know what, fuck it.” you said, storming towards the door while throwing your jacket on

“if you wanna die in that world just go ahead. cant stop you i guess” you said, trailing off with some mumbling, he just stared.

you reached towards the door knob when-

“y/n. i, i love you” eddie said, with a forced grin but you just ran out of his trailer and hopping in your car.

he sat down on his bed, in shock with no thoughts, no words, no nothing. what if that was the last time he got to see them? one of the very first people to ever treat him human, and not like a freak or zoo animal. what if they broke up with him after this? so many thoughts suddenly flooded his heads that all started with “what if-?” he went on like this for a good few minutes when he was suddenly cut out of his thoughts with a knock on the door, loud knocking. ‘shit is that them?!’ he thought, praying to fucking god it was you so you two could make up before he went to this hell of a world.

“HEYYY EDS ITS MEEE DUSTINNN” he heard from outside the door along with more loud knocking

welp, there goes his s/o being there he thought

opening the door to see dustin who dragged him to the rest of the group 

back at your house,

you slammed the door closed to your house, throwing your bag onto the group and stomping to your bedroom

throwing yourself onto the bed and sighing, thinking about what all just happened. eddie, edward munson was about to go into this insane killing world and pretty much get himself killed. and of course you had to ruin it by fighting for possible the last time youd ever see him. great. you tried to convice yourself that everything would be okay, he’ll get out of there alive and you two can make up, imagining silly thinks you two could do like cuddling whie watching the shitest horror movie of the 80s you could find. maybe make a ‘congrats’ cake for not, dying

it was funny for a bit but, then you thought about the odds of him getting out alive or even okay, at all. and the odds werent looking good. soon the worry really started taking over. you got that feeling where you just have to move, ike walk around. usually its a good feeling like if your really happy or just bored but, no, this was scared. you listened to your body and got up just to pace, pacing all around the house mumbling, the worry started to become too much as you started to feel that burning feeling in your eyes and nose. tears shortly come streaming down as you imagined him dying and no one there to help. dying is whatever terribe way from hunger, being shot, monsters, blood loss, every way and it only made you feel worse. you started choking on air. snot and tears started to mix and your throat started closing, it was getting hard to breath. ‘its all my fault’ ‘i could have went with him’ ‘i could have stopped him’

so many thoughts were going in your head, mostly all starting with ‘i could of’ or things that you could have done to prevent this. you sighed as you went to the kitchen, grabbed some beer. you needed to cool your nerves because everything would be okay, right?

skip to the trailer

“everyone ready?” robin said, glancing at everyone

they all nod and start climbing up the make shift rope into the upsidedown (which may i say, eddie looked hot as all hell when he fell on the mattress if yk what im saying ;)))

the plan was going smooth, eddie and dustin had got the demobats to come to the trailer and they both were locked in tight. 

“THAT. WAS. THE. MOST. METAL. EVEERRRRR”

“YEA AAA!!! AAAAAAHHHH!!” both of them start shouting and jumping in sync together like middle school girls, they both laugh and hear the scratching from the demobats move from the side, to the roof.

“theyre on the roof” eddie said

when, dustin spotted the vents.

“uh- they cant get in through there.. right?” dustin said, with worry

“..oh shit.” eddie said. just when he said that, demo bats started attacking the vent and breaking it off. dustin and eddie scream while plunging their weapons into the hole, trying to kill the demobats before they kill them. then eddie grabs a chair, shoving it in the hole 

“you dont have any more of those vents right?” dustin said

“OH SHIT. eddie said, once again as they both ran towards the next vent, but it was a bit too late. they already had gotten in. “SHITSHIT RUN EDDIE RUN!!” dustin yelled as eddie follows him to the rope. dustin climbs up the rope and lands on the mattress. eddie soon follows but he stops, half way up. “EDDIE CMON!” he shouts but eddie ignores him. he jumps back down and grabs his weapon, cutting the rope and moves the mattress.

dustins shouting at eddie but he doesnt bother to listen anymore as he already made his mind up.

short skip bc ngl i forgot what happened and ill cry even more if i rewatch the scene

eddie was on his bike peddling as fast as humanly possible, but a demobat knocked him off the bike, he stood up quickly and stood still. being swarmed by them.

he could smell blood already, the blue and red sky looked so much darker then before. the bats were moving in a circle around him to the point it almost looked like he was in the middle of a tornado. he put the weapon in his hand and his nailed shield in the other, he was gripping onto the metal so hard it was leaving imprints in his fingers and hands, turning the tips of his fingers white. eyes darting around him looking for when they were going to attack. when one flew towards him but he hit it with the shield, making it turn the other way. not too soon after the first one, more and more bats started to attack him at all different sides. one from behide hit him, knocking him down slightly and he stood back up just to be knocked down again. soon about 30 of them were attacking and biting him.

few minutes before eddie is being vored by bats

“dustin? what the fuck is happening?” you said,

after the beer had worn off, you thought to go back to eds trailer because who knows, maybe he was just joking and wasnt really going to go. and plus you wanted- no, NEEDED to apologize. as you made it in his trailer, since it was already unlocked for some reason, you saw dustin who was running around looking for something

“listen, there isnt time to explain but eddie is going to die if we dont help him” he said with voice cracks hear and there

“..guess i came in time then” you said, you ran over to his kitchen grabbing a knife from the drawer just incase there was monsters attacking him. dustin found some stuff to get up and once he landed, breaking his leg. he pulledthe mattress so you could jump down safely. you both run out the trailer and look around. both of you shouting eddies name. dustin turns and sees a swarm of demobats.

“oh fuckfuckfuCK EDDIEE!!” dustin shouts while crying

you both run to the swamp of bats, when all of a sudden they all drop. when you both see eddie, laying back down with blood everywhere.

“EDDIE! ITS DUSTIN AND Y/N” dustin shouts

eddie just stares up at the sky, unable to really move. “eddie! eddie! it, its me!” you say with tears coming down your face, that burning feeling all over now. while both you and dustin pull his head up onto both of your laps. you grab his arm and hold his hand. “eddie, oh my god.” you say

“ed, i-” you said while choking on tears.

“im so-orry. i love you so-so much.” you said, still choking on words.dusting was also saying some stuff to eddie but you only focused on eddie, he was still smiling. he had blood all over his teeth while blood spilling everywhere, but was still smiling. you could see the life being drained from his eyes. 

“dustin... promise me y-oull take care of those little sheep for -me.. alright?” eddie said, looking at dustin. “no-no eddie youll be able to do that yourself, alive.” dustin said

“say it..” eddie said with tears forming

“i-.. ill take care of...” dustin said will worms trailing off.

“good.. good...” eddie said with a smile

“i think its finally my year. its finally my year henderson.” 

he turned to you with little engery left that he had “and y’know, im s..sorry for ever-ything.. i love you.” he said, choking on blood making it spill out even more.

“nonono... eddie please stay with us. we’ll get you somewhere save and we’ll fix you up. pleaseplease just keep your eyes open, dont give up.” you plead, looking at dustin and back to eddie.

“nah man.. ive done what ive always wanted to do..” he said

both of you stayed silent, waiting for him to say something else.

“i..i didnt run away thing time, right?” he said.

“no, nono eddie you di-didnt run away this time..” dustin said

“you never ran away eds..” you said

“i love you both, so much man...” he said with a weak chuckle.

“nono please eddie stay with us.”

his eyes moved to theyre natural stat, smile fading and his breathing had stopped. 

“eddie...?” you both say

he didnt reply. you break down even harder while clutching his hand and putting your face into his chest, crying so fucking much. dustin puts his head ontop of yours while hugging you, also crying.

you both just stay like that for a few minutes, crying. till dustin moves and sits up. “what do we do with you know....the-”

“put it somewhere safe, not like we can bring a dead body to the real world.” you say. with the most monotone voice

he nods, he motions for you to carry eddie and you do so, you put an arm under his knees and one under his arms, picking him up. you hold him close not caring blood was all over you now. you and dustin go to the trailer, resting him in his room. you grabbed a blanket and threw it over eddie and gave him one last final hug, dustin walked over and took his bandana and necklace, he held out the bandana to you, you took it and put it in your pocket for the mean time.

he was really gone now. forever.

a/n AAAA”%:#!”l{eaKF I AM CRYING SO MUCH RN but i hope u enjoyed, because i know i did not enjoy writing this. 

[funshinebf]

this is p much all a traumadump/rant about my mental hospital trip idk. warnings for shitty mental health care practices, as well as discussions of things like intrusive thoughts, suicidal ideation, transphobia, and misogyny. we stay silly, u kno how it is

i think my experience with being admitted to a mental hospital like. really really radicalized me when it comes to the mental health systems and knowledge and care here. and how fucking bad and ignorant and dangerous it is for those of us with mental illnesses and disorders. and like. maybe it does help some people! sure! thats great, im happy they can get help from somewhere! but like. for me, being a trans kid with an unsupportive parent as well as unsupportive peers, with debilitating mental illnesses that werent *just* being a little sad about something in school, things that affected every single waking moment of my life and caused me to struggle in sooo many areas that others around me didnt struggle with. i didnt need to draw fucking pictures of houses and learn about meditating or mindfulness in group therapy, sat next to guys who kept misgendering me, and getting served meals i physically could not eat because of my severe disordered picky eating. not to mention no matter how many times i told the food people to please stop deadnaming me to the whole room when they would bring meals, i felt so fucking isolated and ignored there. and the one time i did actually try to share my thoughts during group therapy, i was immediately shot down and dismissed with a response that i still didnt understand. (we were being told to think about our thoughts being who we are. i brought up struggling with intrusive thoughts, and that seeing 'my thoughts as who i am' was fucking terrifying to me, because i had SO many horrible, disgusting, gut wrenching thoughts plaguing me every day, and i so desperately didnt want to be told that those thoughts were Who I Am. i was a kid. i was a scared kid and they told me i just didnt understand what they were trying to say, and that they didnt mean bad thoughts. they also clearly had no fucking clue what intrusive thoughts even were, and made me feel like i was insane for having any kind of violent thoughts. i was very clearly uncomfortable but they continued to ask me to elaborate on what *kind* of scary thoughts i was having. it felt like a trap. i didnt feel safe at all. i felt like if i shared the kinds of intrusive thoughts i struggled with, then they would treat me like i was dangerous for having them, or like i *wanted* to do those things. meanwhile those thoughts made me want to vomit, they made me avoid my loved ones out of fear of acting on the thoughts, they made feel like it would be better if i was dead, because then the people around me would be safe. i was a scared fucking kid)

all of this is to say. the mental health care in america is so fucking abysmal. even just. keeping people who's jobs ARE SPECIFICALLY TO CARE FOR MENTALLY ILL PEOPLE well informed on mental illnesses is apparently too fucking much to ask. i dont feel like im expecting something impossible when i go into a psychiatrist's office thinking that theyll help me, and not. i dunno, tell me i should fucking smile more (this did happen to me. first fucking appointment. older male doctor, 15 year old me getting treatment for SEVERE DEPRESSION.)

anyways. ive ranted enough for now, its nearly 3 am and i need to go read my stories to calm down. (im so mad. i need to go home and touch my husband's tits so i wont be as mad.)

[tannedtomatoes]

DAMIAN AND JON RUNNING AN ART BLOG TOGETHER

Alright here me out, so we know that Damian is like this kick-ass artist, but he usually keeps his art to himself. But like one day he decides to show Jon his sketches and the boy freaks

He's immediately gushing at it and Damian's trying to act all indifferent and totally not blushing at all shut up

When finding out that his BFF ("We are colleagues, not.. BFFs" "Uh huh and that's why you're still wearing that friendship bracelet I made you?") does not have an art account, he bugs him enough to start one.

Now cue the chaos-

Now obviously Jon is gonna be the one who creates the account so he gives a pretty bad username too like- 'cartoonlover4evah'

"What in the ever loving fuck is that ? " "Language!" "Fuck off"

They both agree to keep the account secret cuz-

1) Jon loves the idea of having a secret with his best friend and 2) Damian does not want to deal with his siblings trolling and embarrassing him online.

Damian initially isnt that into it but hey if he's doing it he's going all out.

This means no half-assed sketches, I'm talking full on realistic portraits of Gotham Heroes and Rogues.

And along with all these serious pieces will be this string of nonsensical tags.

Like theres this dark charcoal piece of the Red Hood looking menacing and underneath the post will be tagged #uwu #red hood is pretty scary but he makes good curry

Damian usually posts his drawings and engages in questions about art while Jon would happily start convos with their followers about anything.

And their blog gets insanely popular.

Popular to the point where they decide to make merch

" Its always a good option to have alternate means to fund our missions" "Orrrr we could go get more junk food" "... only if it's not any of that sugary crap."

They make t-shirts, stickers, keychains n all the works.

Damian is simultaneously pleased yet flustered when he sees a teen wearing a shirt with a Nightwing print he drew

He also was not prepared for the fact that apparently his own siblings were buying his merch.

He almost tripped over Titus when he saw Stephanie wearing a Black Bat shirt he designed

And nearly spat out his water when he saw his stickers covered all over Tim's laptop.

Jon found this all completely hilarious and would have told them if it werent for Damian threatening to castrate him.

Jon also starts posting works of his own!

Mostly short stories loosely based off of their adventures.

"The adventures of Chris Clark and his sidekick, Ian McNuggets, wow what a riveting title" "Shut up, McNuggets"

Aaaaand that's all I got, if anyone has any more ideas feel free to add on

[kurtanaaa]

i am back to ask another gaga related glee question ☺️☝️

you get to give each member of the OG new directions (+ blaine & sam) a gaga solo, what are they singing?

everyone sit down shut the fuck up and listen to me i have important things to SAY thank you ANA

my only problem is i cant assign people just one so i will be listing other contenders if i have them

quinn: sinner's prayer. "and she wants nothing more than a man to please/maybe she's in too deep/her love for him ain't cheap/but it breaks/just like a knockoff piece from fulton street" tell me thats not quinn. tell me thats not quinn and ill tell you youre wrong. and the title alone... perfect for her religious trauma. ALSO it fits her alto voice!!!!! can you tell i had this one on standby for if i was ever asked something like this.

mercedes: you and i. now this is a song i mostly chose because i would absolutely love to hear it in her voice. she would fucking kill it and would sing it with so much emotion i can SEE it. also (pushing my samcedes agenda), its vaguely country vibe means it would be a great song to sing to/about sam's lil country ass. the shows version... did they really HAVE to mash it up with that other song. Did They. i was also seriously considering paper gangsta for her bc that would fit her s4 storyline SO WELL but i just wanna hear her Sing this one more. other contenders: paper gangsta and the fame

only now realizing how long this is, its going under a cut

kurt: hair. i cant avoid it man. this is just his fuckin song! this is it! i know the whole "hair" metaphor doesnt really work with short hair, but its about the MESSAGE! ITS ABOUT THE EMOTION! he just wants to be himself and he wants you to love him for who he is! other contenders: boys boys boys and donatella (i have to say i rlly did something here with the other contenders)

santana: marry the night. everything about this song is for her. god i wish we got the "santana exploring the lgbtq scene in new york" storyline we deserved because this would fit it perfectly. shes gonna drive down the streets dressed insane and be gay as fuck! and she's gonna be alive to see it! no other contenders bc this song is just Hers. sorry bout it! and my fucking god her voice would sound INCREDIBLE doing the "NIIIIIIIIIGHT" AT THE END

sam: alejandro. now we all love Our Local Slut Sam. this is his Single and Free vibing song, which he should've gotten maybe! at some point! just a lil moment to Vibe and be sexy. i think this would be SO FUN!!!! he needs to wear a weird outfit and weird makeup. basically i need sam to be more campy

tina: dance in the dark. god this song fucks. i dont wanna ramble on too much to explain exactly how much it connects to tina (because it connects SO MUCH. SO MUCH) but. its about the breaking free of expectations and the self-consciousness. it is! AND about being a woman and having to deal with those things specifically!!!!! also her voice is so sweet and suited to this song's range. other contenders: schieße

rachel: million reasons. i think that this song connects to her and finn and a lot of their relationship. plus, this song isn't really pop, which suits rachel's voice more. thats it really. other contenders: joanne (also about finn, but specifically his death.)

puck: dope. you know that post about changing hey there delilah to be about a man separated from his daughter? yeah do that with this one and make it about beth. do it i promise it doesn't hurt at all :)

artie: just dance. this is a song i think he himself would choose bc it is right in his pop wheelhouse. he would have fun with it i think! and no escaping, he has to sing both colby o'donis AND gaga's parts. he is not exempt from gaga. other contenders: mary jane holland and starstruck

blaine: fashion of his love. this just makes sense okay! it just does. "i'm gonna be his first and last kiss" ok miss thing!!!! you go kiss your man!!!!! other contenders: so happy i could die

mike: artpop. im gonna be real, i mostly chose this because i think he could dance to it in his Own Style. i dont think theres much of an explanation otherwise? HOWEVER. if it werent such a Kurt Song i would def also propose hair for mike. it would fit his storylines quite nicely! so, other contenders: hair and teeth (that makes it sound like its one song title They Are Separate)

finn: brown eyes. this ones about rachel. it tracks it checks out it adds up it makes sense. "everything could be everything if only we were older/guess its just a silly song about you/and how i lost you/and your brown eyes". and in the context of finns death it hurts more ! :) other contenders: 911

brittany: highway unicorn (road to love). now i'm not just saying this because of the unicorn. i AM saying this because it just feels very brittany in terms of vibes as well as it being something she can sing about santana (she don't care if your papers or your love is a law/she's a free soul burning roads with a flag in her bra). also i think she can dance to it somewhat which is important

BONUS

marley: judas or john wayne

jake: bad kids

unique: babylon

kitty: grigio girls

bc i couldnt stop thinking about these while making this post

[shoezuki]

see im the same with tone indicators. I'm bad at tone, I know this, but I'd never force someone to use them. cuz I use em, but only when I'm like. real nervous. and think the other person or people Won't Get It. like yeah it's great to clarify but for me they're so wrapped up in Fear (for the most part) when I use em that I don't care if someone doesn't use em cuz I don't want others to feel that way, if that makes sense?

also it smacks of policing people and I hate that. let people live they life. of it don't vibe with you don't follow. block, move on. it's the internet people gon be people my dude

oh absolutely i feel you like. i am Not good all the time w tone either. usually in the sense i just... assume people are joking unless i find reason to feel otherwise. n like. i feel that finding tone or intentions online is Hard just. objectively hard for Anyone. because ppl are so reliant on body language its insane. 

im a weirdly good read of character and People irl. but like only in terms of body language. what people say and try to convey to me is where i trip up. so online is. weird. but ive found ways to get at least an Idea of what people mean and looking into context and if im just Unsure i’ll just... walk away? 

the use of tone indicators is like. its good in theory And in use too. ofc ppl will always misinterpret words or not quite ‘get’ it n thats fine. if theres an easier way for that fuck yes go right on ahead. 

but i like. more and more that i see em used on twitter i feel tone indicators are just...... not used as they should be. im talkin i see tweets of someone just saying words bout something Good that happened to em and the end it has ‘pos/ gen/’ or something. like its not necessary for ppl to Say that them getting good grades or something small and personal is Positive and Genuine on the end of it cuz................................. theres connotations. 

same with like. twitter threads i see titled things like ‘heres a thread of donation goals to support!’ with ‘/srs’ on it. like YES i can see youre serious? if you werent id kick your ass. 

like yea i seen em used Good. asking questions with ‘/nm’ at the end so ppl dont think theyre Mad makes sense. or if they are asking for clarification and have ‘/gen’. like it makes sense. because its when youre interacting with someone and therefore Want and Need your intentions to get across. but not Everything needs them. the idea that neurodivergent Desperately need tone indicators on Everything from serious information about real world problems to yelling into the void posts is........... like i dont like that ksjglkshghg

if theres a genuine feeling that Maybe the connotations of what u say or what you intend isnt like. so clear. or u see it like ‘wait would I Get This’ fuck ya tag that shit go ham. but when its the idea that its Always Needed and people are just Ableist if they Dont add /j or /s to shit. like. nah

[jordankennedy]

for people who asked about me knowing corruption avatars when i was a kid:

ok so when i was in middle school i had these two friends named peter and malia that were like. christ. im having trouble putting into words how massively weird these two twelve year olds were. i knew them for three years sixth grade to eighth grade and they were the most disgusting kind of friends in such a way where if you were also friends with them you were like absolutely 100% stone cold sure that they were not romantically interested in each other but if youd never met them or if youd only met one of them you would INSTANTLY think thats what it was, if that makes sense? but also they were literally NEVER more than ten feet away from each other and they were always touching each other but they were like….VITRIOLIC about it. theyd like…pull each others hair and lick each other and do the grossest shit imaginable in front of and to each other like they were mean as shit but it was their weird fucked up creepy way of joking? i remember so vividly one time in seventh grade malia ate like 20 sour hard candies and peeled a layer of skin off of her tongue and put it on peter’s arm and he just did not even care did not give a shit at ALL and actually i think thats what made me realize that the two of them were legitimately grade A insane. anyway the point is that they were just objectively creepy people but i stayed friends w them bc they were only ever mean to each other like they were actually cool and nice to hang with they just always seemed to toe the line between extremely disturbingly intimate and insular friendship and complete utter hatred with each other and they were also just kind of mildly gross? not enough to like, bring up to teachers or anything but just enough to be unsettling. they would keep earthworms and dirt and dusty rocks in their pockets. peter always seemed to have a cold, even after allergy season. malia’s locker smelled awful and had an ant colony in it in the spring of eighth grade that was not there at the beginning of the school year—i found out later that she specifically would buy fruit at lunch and keep it in her locker on purpose until it rotted. they both always had dirt under their nails and muddy shoes and messy hair. and i remember all of this in such perfect detail because i committed both peter and malia to my permanent memory when at the very end of eighth grade like HALF the middle school got sick (i was lucky enough not to but my mom did and most of my friends. it wasnt a serious illness just like a minor little sneezy bug) and after everyone i knew that had been sick got better i just.... never saw peter and malia again. they were not related at all and looked nothing alike (although they...MIGHT have been adopted sibs??? idk??? they had different last names so, not likely) so i find it very hard to believe that they both moved at the same time. but they just fucking vanished after the summer. literally neither me nor any of my friends ever saw them again. to this day i still have no idea what happened to them but i think they might have been manifestations of the corruption. and the thing is they werent even like...specifically bad people. i actually liked them a lot malia was a really good artist and peter would always help me with my math homework its just that they were *just* gross enough and had *just* weird enough of a relationship with each other to be extremely unsettling people PLUS I NEVER SAW THEM AGAIN AFTER THERE WAS AN OUTBREAK IN MY TOWN???? HELLO???? THEY JUST FUCKING VANISHED!!!!

this is so. i feel like it SOUNDS like im making this up but im literally not i just remember it all perfectly bc it was just so goddamn odd. one time they stayed over at my house over spring break and i asked them if they wanted to use the shower and they just looked at me like i had three eyes. malia specifically was the one with the bugs. i actually went to summer camp with them between sixth and seventh grade and they had a big huge sort of zoo there that was just for insects and reptiles and malia would let the giant cockroaches and queen wasps and tarantulas and salamanders crawl all over her and the things seemed to LOVE her. like id hold the bugs whatever but they like. without exception would actively try to climb onto either malia or the counselor that usually handled them if they were next to me. like they were just fucking greasy and weird and obsessed with each other and bugs would show up and people would get sick where they were and then they just literally up and vanished right before i turned fourteen they were the oddest people ive ever known

[6guilty-sadist6]

guilty sadist

It took me five minutes and lots of deleted text to think about how to open this, maybe i’ll delete this line in a minute and write something new, it’s not that i feel awkward i just find it hard to start i know where i want to be but i cant get there when i write because i always go off on multiple tangents and i have so much to say it gets lost and fogotten. Im doing it now going off on tangents i’ll get to the point not that anyone is reading other than me.

I want people to like me, and not in the normal way, i want them to think about me 24/7, I want them to see me in a group of friends and instantly try and catch my eye when we laugh, I want them to drunk text me saying they cant understand why they like me but they cant stop, i want them to feel like they are going to vomit with anxiety at the thought of me being near them. So far sounds pretty normal, maybe not normal but understandable reasonable but the rope keeps going, I dont want to like them back, I want to hate them actually. I imagine myself talking to someone romantically for months going on dates sharing secrets building up to something spectacular and just as its about to reachs its satisfying climax with no explanation with no reason i’ll ignore them block them perhaps and they’ll go crazy trying to conatct me beg me to explain what they did and when we inevitably bump into eachother at a party or anywhere ill walk past them and they’ll grab my shoulder with tears in their eyes being completely vunerable they’ll say “please tell me what did i do” and i’ll look them with a pitiful look in my eye and a smirk on my lips and i’ll say “ stop being so dramatic we werent serious it was just some fun I didnt mean it ike that its not my fault you got attached”.

I have lots of these fantasies they range from moderate to extreme. Sometimes I imagine the person I want to obssess over me crying in bed because i dont like them back, sometimes I imagine them confessing and me calling them stupid, immature insane even to think I would ever pay attention to them. Sometimes I imagine them stalking me abusing physcially even  me making me cut off all of my friends  because they are so possessive and then apologising each time and crying because they regret it but they still continue to do it. I imagine them ruining my life in order to keep me forever. 

I’ve tried to put these into practice in real life, I’ll meet someone and they show me some interest and all i can think about is how ill get them to like me. These thoughts will consume me for days sometimes its disturbing to the point I cant concentrate and it drives me crazy but I can’t stop it. Sometimes i’ve succeeded and sometimes ive failed I definately need time to perfec tmy craft theres times when ive had my “victims” hooked around my finger ( or so i thought) and ill start  the next phase of my plan showing them i hate them and ill start cut them down with my hate like a field worker with a machete and it fails and they are not obssessed enough and they leave and it makes me spiral to tears to the point i self harm not because i loved them not because i even liked them but because they didn’t admire me enough and its awful thinking about it makes me feel sick. Its like if you took time to harvest one watermelon and it took forever to grow and you carefully pick it up from your garden and cut it open only to find its white in the inside and all your hardwork is wasted and you have to wait months again for a new one to grow and sometimes you dont have any watermelon seeds left so you just sit and obssess over your failed fruit and its awful. but let me tell you the times when i do have them hooked around my finger and i start pushing them away and they come crawling back and i keep kicking them back down the feeling is better than a fucking watermelon it’s better than A-class drugs, and i would know i’ve tried them. then something that brings me pure ecstacy when I beat them down and push them away and then I wave a tiny bit of bait infront of them like me in a short skirt and they come running back sometimes i don’t even need any bait and it makes me feel on cloud 9. There’s a key to picking th person you want to obssess over you, you have to make sure you are above them in status and intellect and everything pretty much because then to them you are a god and they are a peasant and that fuels their desire.

I thought possibly i was a narcissist but I know i’m not because when these things fail I will hate myself and pick apart my looks for hours and call myself ugly disgusting and fat, i even starve myself thinking it would make them like me and i know deep down im attarctive because people say it all the time but i still see myself as ugly even when I know i’m not and no narcissist would do that because they think they are already perfect. I dont think theres an explanation im just a bad person.

[gooferdusted]

hypothetically, if I were to write a fix-it/rewrite au fic, (thinking of starting at s5 but debating starting earlier) what are some storylines you’d take out/change, characters you’d save/kill, and specifically changes to sam’s character/arcs you’d like bc i need ideas

ok. ok. I'm gonna try to not go completely off the fucking rails while I write this up but I gotchu (also these r all just my own hot n spicy takes so like. pick what u like, it's all goodie goodie)

• no time passing differently in hell. literally four months is ~Enough!~ a year is enougghh!!!!!! like I get that they wanted to make hell this horrible unreachable thing but u can still like... get that across without having it be this unfathomable chunk of time out of a persons life. like sam was down there with TWO very pissed off angel's for 180 years??? how can he still speak english??? how does dean remember ANYTHING about his old life when mentally more than half of it was spent being endlessly tortured until he finally cracked??? its just.... Too Much...

• ON that note, I feel like later on they never rlly had sam and dean bond over the fact that like... they are genuinely the ONLY two people on earth who have survived actual hell. I mean we got that one off line from dean at some point but??

• no chuck as god. just a greasy greasy rat man getting insane stories projected into his brain. and on the topic of that.... I dont like the reflection of the real life fanbase in the spn universe??? they're pulp fiction novels, it should be all like 50 year old + ladies who picked them up at the local bargain bin, not b*cky r*sen

• I like... WANNA say smth abt s4..... bc I think the way that they handled things were a little out of character BUT I also think that was lind of the point??? like the angels and demons were manipulating them to say/do things they would normally never say/do to eachother to drive a big enough wedge between then that they would eventually say yes to being the vessels. like it hurts to watch sooo much but it did drive the plot forward in a very particular way that probably couldnt have happened otherwise. that being said, when the levee breaks makes me sad, and I dont want to see sam crying for his dead mother alone in a basement! cest la vie.

• sam and dean.... are Friends...,, why did we all forget that..... watch hell house and maybe I'll calm down.....

• PSYCHIC SAM!!!!!! you all know me. you know how I feel about psychic sam... robbed. s4 finale rlly had sam like "drinking that much demon blood has truly changed me forever..... theres no going back now...... 😔😔" like ok. ok. where are your superpowers. where are they.

• I wish some of the other special children had made it out :(( I really liked andy and ava (also sam finding other friend who are like him??? queer allegory??? spare queer allegory?????)

• I also dont think the roadhouse shouldve burned down!!! that shouldve been a Staple Location like Bobby's house. same w Missouri's, literally why did we only visit her once.

• ur sending an ask to my blog so I assume this is just a given for u but!!! we're takin away the misogyny. we're takin away the fetishization! anything that would be given the greenlight by joss whedon we are putting straight in the trash. <3

• this is mostly a thing in later seasons like. idk 9-15, but no ppl knowing who the winchesters are. they are NOBODIES. they pop up like little meerkats and fuck everything up beyond repair.

• also no fancy tech. no iphone 76z or whatever the fuck. sam has an ipod 1. the wheel is so stuck he can barely press play anymore. remember when he literally just tore off the top casing off his laptop and threw it away? more of that.

• no nice clothes. NO nice clothes we fuckin hate that. everything sam and dean own was purchased pre 1995 and dean is an expert at removing blood stains and sewing up jackets. dean will walk into a laundromat with a tide pen and just start goin for it like that scene in deadpool.

• tbh.... I feel like the issues in later seasons are really this massive horrible domino effect. like I could say heres how to fix s7-10 but the fact is if shit hadnt gone down lile it had in s7 s10 would be a different story entirely.

• I am gonna do it tho bc I suck <3

• s6: soulless sam was funney but did that really go anywhere? no. tbh I dont remember what happened w cas and I'm just not going to look it up. it's just not in the cards for tonight. dean w lisa.... ehh.... I've discussed this at wayy too much length w mushroom and we both agreed that dean would probably keep hunting to keep his mind off things and to try and honor sams sacrifice. I guess theres an argument to be made for the fact that it kind of was Sam's dying wish that dean just go fin her and live a normal life but... idk. purgatory was. . indeed a Concept..... that could have maybe gone somewhere if it didnt rapidly spiral into....

• s7!!! I mean. jesus christ. I know some people like this one but jesus christ. the way they literally couldnt commit to having sam have genuine mental health problems after centuries in hell or to just magically wipe them away..... bobby dying halfway thru.... charlie was a bright spot I suppose, but her intro is not my fave episode w her.... idk what the fuck happened w cas, I guess he was god. the leviathan designs were kinda neat but like oh my fucking god it wasnt worth it.

• s8: uh. rough start. idk why the turn tables so suddenly and dean's like "why didnt u look for me >:((" bc??? yall agreed not to???? at the VERY least they couldve had sam been like "I legitimately had no reason to think u werent dead and in heaven and tha wouldve been a little rude of me to pull u out of that." but we went for ~drama~ to make it spicy I guess. ouygh. bunkers there!!! that was cool!!! MoL is a cool concept!!! altho... it doesn kinda contradict the whole sam and dean are nobodies thing... idk. trials of hell was like... cool in theory but bad in practice unless they were planning on ending the show for realskies. and they did not.

• s9: uhh... hated gadreel! hated that shit! wish they had spun that whole storyline to be more "hey sam I noticed u were s*icidal should we maybe address that??" or even like.... I mean dean probably couldve just TOLD sam abt his plan, he had already convinced him to stay alive by that point??? there was no reason to lie!!! plus the betrayal of gadreel not being who he said he was wouldve been like. literally enough drama, we didnt need to fracture the team again. and cas was??? where exactly??? be was human for at least half of that season but hey didnt know what to do w him so they chucked him in a convenience store??? good lord.

• s10: got no suggestions for that one, just toss it

• s11: ok... shes cute.... we can forgive her.... the lore is shaky at best but the episodes SLAP and the characterization is *chefs kiss*. it's been a hot minute since I've seen it so if smth sucked I dont remember and I plan to keep it that way!!!!

• s12: n.. no. no mary. no mary unless we're doing it right. and I promise u doing it right was not poorly ripping off kingsman. couldve brought back bobby!!! if they desperately wanted some drama couldve brought back john!!! actually fuck that, no way

• s13-15: no thoughts, only jack kline <3

[misterbitches]

Hello! @flootweed replying to the post from before. the long format was killing me. why does tumblr look like this...

I haven’t watched episode 8 yet...or have I? If it’s the most recent one. No.

Is the hornbill a bird? It probably is but I have a terrible memory and I’m dumb so. I skipped the last few weeks because I’m scawwed. How are you liking it? I did see someone say that the hornbill makes sense (without knowing what it is...at all) bc heart transplant patients only live like 5-15 years after but someone in those comments pointed out that he was so young when he got his and that’s pretty rare so he has a higher likelihood of survival. Frankly, this is the only way I will proceed. Since when did shows ever care about the heart transplant health? Never and it needs to stay that way!

What did we think of ep 6? LMAO. I need opinions! And omg it makes me feel special when I can point things out to people because I so...rarely get to LOL. Editing is like one of my favorite things ever so I can be super particular about it but I try to do the thing you do when you’re supposed to see if it works within its context. I’d like to go in with scissors and glue but alas. 

THe mic covering....the rustling....it’s like guys...please. Ironically the audio today wasn’t great. I don’t know why. IDK if you watch c-dramas but I am not even sure what’s worse between them because they dub their dramas. But actually no it’s best to have the dubbing because even tho it is painful they have to put a lot of effort into it. LOL. 

Right? @ Aey! It’s just weird if they would show us more about what he’s done instead of saying he’s done sth bad and not even explaining that....like you could even do some shitty exposition. I think if he is to be a true villain then we really need to be privvy. All the warnings make it seem like he’s a fuckin’ serial killer so when we get the scene of him at home it’s like....actually this is really serious? Maybe his pain is like...for a reason. Althought you won’t even TELL US WHAT HE’S DONE WRONG BESIDES BE JUST FUCKING WEIRD AND ANNOYING! So from what we have it’s just a realllllllll fucked up sad person lol. god i forgot about the dinner! and i totally agree. he really needs them to succeed. i like your theory because it would make the scene where he like blocks the twitter user make more sense. he also says they dont really know each other etc so it’s realllllyyyyy probable that he just sees it as a way out. if not then we shall pretend u wrote it :)

god yea i wouldnt say it is art but i also guess we technically have to since it is technically. in the way that technically performance artists are artists but mostly i uh technically ignore them. Also one of my fav BLs is called the best twins. If you do not know what it is I will not elaborate further.t 

i want to know more abt poli sci majors lmao but they sound DRAMATIC/ hopefully most ppl in ur cohort arent losers! 

hahahha i understand. there was just a thing on twitter about DSA and then the day before about reading discourse. the same thiings. over. and over. and over. and over. we are our own worst enemies but also our own best friends? but i hate tankies and that wont change. but hasan’s a decent guy. he said sth abt black ppl during biden’s primaries in GA or whatever and i was like chill. but he’s insecure and has adhd which means ur more open to being wrong and changing otherwise u will suffocate and die. 

and totally about hiding fuck ups. i’ve tried really hard bc of organizing IRL to like...be honest, question, etc but also like...approach it naturally? because if you’re trying to be perfect and so worried you’ll fuck up you don’t realize that puts  more stress on you, makes you seem like a robot, and could potentially not make you realize the mistkaes you made. also if we’re privileged in certain spaces there is just no possible way we won’t get something wrong. im light and i know that honestly any way to speak up on colorism is going to be difficult and that’s a space where i have power so i just have to figure it out. we should be uncomfortable because we have to sit with unpleasant feelings and sort through our own whatever. that just makes the next time even better and people can trust u more.  i think some people sweat it sooo much or maybe they think their personal life and what theyve been through is more the norm? on the other hand people can be sf reactionary in the worst way and idk what their issue is. there was also a user who said sth very inch arresting about tankies which i thoroughly enjoyed (how like violent lefitsts or tankies / ppl who are like ooh a gun whatever just want to be violent in another space so they have shit tendencies from jump and nothing of substance which i think i agree with tbh fo ra lottttt of ppl. like their anger is actually like “no im about to beat that ass” instead of what we actually want to get done) 

sort of in the same vein re: taking it easy...we coudl all be more understanding too. to slow it down like you mentioned about not being privvy to fucking eveyrthing and saying anything on our mind. i saw this person talk about y2k which was a huge deal while happening bc it was the turn of the millenium (bruh were u even alive?) but this twitter user grew up in a super super SUPER religious household and was like why do ppl make jokes about Y2K it was insanely traumatizing? though my first instinct was confused ive tried hard to like look more before i judge especially thanks to a friend of mine. turns out that with the further reading the more we found out he was just really traumatized; it was very common in religious households to be afraid of 2000. so we could have come at him with no understanding and he could have thought that everyone had the same experience with that year that he did. his feelings sit precedent though but i think it was just very hard for him to fathom. 

i didnt reply bc he didnt need that and what could i have said? he’ll see what the truth is with exposure and unfortunately this was something he really did go through. 

and that’s what makes most people think others could be over the top. because it sounded ridiculous but then it was this huge traumatic thing that we could have never known about. so maybe when someone sounds like actually crazy they have an explanation? of course some ppl are just batshit or annoying but that’s anywhere not just leftists it’ just means more i guess when a ~~librul is annoyed~ but it can be easy to want to make fun of ppl too. lmao.  basically what i am saying is the internet? especially twitter? for leftists? in this economy? bitch it’s the wild west out here.

i am 29! idk if i said it or not. i am OLD u probably werent even born in the year i was talking about wah. i know not old-old or old at all but compared to you i’m due for a colonoscopy.

omg i hope u can get vaxxed soon! are you wfh rn? i hope ur also not in a bad state as in state state not state as in ur being :| bleh what a fucking time. it sucks that you have to fucking do work. well unless u like school. which i hope u do. i just assume everyone hates it cos i did lmao

was it the lindsay ellis drama? that bitch is dumb. if there was other drama oh wait the drama i was referring to it all happened on the same day. idk book twitter that well but i saw something from someone who was abt that shit and wowie! the american people are not that.....intelligent to put it lightly.

i’ll get better. ppl tell me they miss me and im like aw. i have insanellllyyy bad insomnia and a lot of stuff happened this year HOWEVER I SLEPT FOR TWO DAYS FOR 8 HOURS AT A REASONABLE TIME. im a new woman.  anyways you too! i hope ur not too burnt out with school. we just dont know when the burnout is or we just dont know we are burnt out until we are. the panaramiciccici hit and all the things i was ignoring kind of just fell on me and sooo much happened at once. and frankly it’s hard to take care of ourselves. lord. 

Like if you aren’t interested in expanding on the issue in a way that hasn’t been done before all you gotta do it like… spread resources and donate if you can. I dont see the point in having to say something about every issue especially if you (not at you specifically just in general) aren’t immediately impacted by the issue. Like is the 14 yr old white marxist named sarah on twitter really gonna have meaningful insight on anti-asian violence ?

this is part of why i cannot telecommunicate. i dont want to do shit on the internet. i am able bodied so i know that this time has been of such ease for other people. but mentally i just can’t. i don’t have a comment on hand like that and i hvae no desire to engage with ppl that way. i am a super super super solitary person but thats bc it’s MY time so when it’s like all this effort with other people i dont ever want to be alone. it’s the same with the way i approach filmmaking. it isnt a sole thing so i hate it not together. that’s part of how u can get so sucked in and repeat doom scrolling. i was in this webinar last may after [redacted] and this black woman prof said “read with a community and talk” because otherwise she said we are torturing ourselves. you can’t carry that weight all on your own. unfortunately i hate zoom, discord, slack, signal, whatsapp, facetime. you name it this panera has made it evi.. L

you make a really excellent point. i think the young young gen zers are really really just interesting because it’s like this whole new world for them with leftist politics and they just can’t grasp the horrors of the world and the kind of freedom being a leftist can bring. and so many people don’t grow out of it. those people so happen to be the “least productive” in terms of how much time they spend IRL withe these issues. naturally, younger kids are gonna have a harder time. they are not as mobile as well so the internet becomes this place. but then it’s this echo chamber. and many times just things posted without sources. and social media NEEDS that to exist.

i think of the irony of leftist kids on tik tok and while i am happy it’s reaching them it’s just....different. very different. the growth of social media is so good but also so fucking sad, it’s too much! i think the point about not writing everything is major. even i have to do this which is part of the disappearing.y ou need to detach and make sure your head is on straight again. but when you think eveyrone has to be privvy to every thought and you can’t just sit back....which twitter and social media doesn’t encourage. you have to join in. that’s often why when i have something to say it is dense because i don’t feel like repeating it. ever. lmao ust ever. i cant pay attn. social media is a fucking minefield for my brain u can get so lost in it and absorb it but once u start talking you may not be able to stop. 

i think a big part of that is it not being a leisurely thing but sort of just in our lives always. this sounds like a grandpa rant but ykwim. We dont have to see the same thing over and over again. And eventually it gets sincerely diluted or its diluted bc of capitalism or whatever. Or if theyre very young or maybe they don’t have like the greatest way of sharing the knowledge? then it can be butchered. I hope this is making sense...i’m talking beyoond the boring surface-level milquetoast shit. i see really ahistorical stuff on there from leftists (like this thing about NK + africa and it being a beneficial rship as opposed to a um not beneficial one. and it isn’t.  beneficial but this young black girl was talking abt it and noname rtd and i was like it’s just too complex. there’s no good/bad here just bc it’s not america. dont get me started on this.)

but Lol that was kinda off topic but I think what I meant in my last reply about not turning off the voice in my head is about when I consume media, not necessarily when I’m online talking about. Even if I have criticism for something, I’m usually pretty chill when consuming fandom content bc I think being serious online all the time is kinda boring. Like sometimes I’m analyzing theme and shit but really most of the time im memeing.

exactly.........gotta laugh. thats why sometimes im like i cant think lmao. unfrotunately i have been ARGUING with ppl on the internet for rly no reason when  i could have replied to ur very nice fun wholesome message. i love torture. i miss memes.

“ i think the people who get the least enjoyment out of that are those so obsessed with getting upset with anyone thinking outside of their lines as if it equates to them “ EXACTLYYYYY

kekekekeke im glad u got it. it’s like with conservatives throwing around snowflake. now im beginning to question who the real complainers are. 

LMAO exactlyyyy. i posted a screenshot of this writer from twitter saying that exact thing. Like first of all, I’m...an adult? and if you are as well uh? i’m sorry for you but are we 12? But how is it affecting u this viscerally? And if it does why dont u...do...research? pihgofuaipoajghou but honestly everything u said. we’re trained to go into it with nothing. i was only around ur age when i started to get more serious about this stuff but you’re like lightyears ahead of where i was at 21. did i say this but i’m in iww and literally i can tell u in 2016 i did not think 2019 me would be in a union bc i told my friend in a train station that we don’t need unions. i was 23...but the thing is i didnt know what i was talking about. at all. and i knew i didnt know and she knew i didnt know and now i am the clown.

also yes at critical engagement. i had to learn so much through experience and this is tuff that i coudlnt be shielded from. there’s an empathy you kinda have to develop and this understanding that you move through the world as this person who is “nowhere and everywhere; nothing and everything” so i’ve always had to think about things differently just to survive. that’s also what can drag a lot of people towards it like theres so many black kpop fans bc i think a lot of the pain in SK can be mirrored (sort of) through our history. and theres currently a history now but it had to be forged. uh what was my point oh yea however i wouldnt have been able to move further if i didnt have my background to go off of  bc i knew something was off when i started getting into all these things (ill give u a hint) but if i had no prior knowledge and didnt have to think about it then the critical approach is either stale or stupid. 

i had to research but i dont understand how ppl are so bold with little to no research and understanding? thhey just inherently know with also like ZERO experience in what they need experience in. engaging critically means “how i see the world” with dashes of trying to be open adn understanding or whatever. actually that’s another thing like being afraid of criticizing things bc theyre foreign to you so u give it a pass (like we discussed) but it doesnt hAVE TO BEEEE JUST REAAAAAD and then take all the info ur teensy brain and apply it. be a normal human being and dont be fucking rude and racist. thats it! u can complain abt literally anything without being a dick.

as we start with LW and end with LW.....what do we think (i asked this already) omg please share wbl thoughts i THINK i know what ur talking about. well it could be two things; their rship when they came back and the physicality and then pei shou yi. i almost dont even want to use my brain to fucking look at that. i think wbl can get away with more bc of visual~*~*~* reasons (like literally, the look of the show. there’s more space to get lost in the frames. many thai dramas are a lot more literal? this isn’t the right word but it’s very heavily character focused particularly bc of $ i think) though good production also underscores flaws so i am also wrong. but like do u know what i mean? u have to kinda focus on it? or maybe it’s just cos like.....ur so used to it in thai bl idek. i’ve seen tw bl ofc. 

look i swear i will justify this forever bc there are some things we miss right but if u feel like someone’s a bad actor....theyre bad. it’s about tone movement etc etc etc and since most thai bl productions have 0 interest in that....well. they take these newbies and put them in these situations. we dont understand thai but if we see them and we’re like “wow this is really bad” then they’re bad lmao. IDC i will never be like cos idk what theyre saying NO WHY HE LOOK LIKE A ROBOT???????? DOES HE EMOTE? why is he CRYING WITH NO TEARS? and it’s not even a total requisite to cry with tears(i mean for me it is) but it’s just like what is happening on ur face right now young man????????

painful.

the inflection stuff is very valid ooh good point tho but that’s only a part of the piece. plus we get used to the way they communicate. like the ppl from sotus were prtty bad. i dont like that show but thats an ex of ppl liing the actors and the person i thought was better other ppl dont think that? well apparently hes a shitty guy but. um. so when theres decent acting its so glaring.

although i must say even tho i dont care for 2gether anymore and would never like to be reminded about its existence (only bc i just cringe lol) i honestly....didnt think bright was a bad actor? but people keep saying he is and i am much more inclined to believe them than myself. though i am not often dickmatized that could have been it. until he opened his mouth and ruined it and then i stopped paying attn.

although honestly i’m so much more critical than i could be positive. i have ben stumped for the last day about how i wasnt mad at his acting in the show. is it me? is it him? who’s......the wrong one.....(me) 

oh shit they have been denied? i haven’t been paying attn to whats been going on recently. i just got into it on MDL because of snowdrop. sometimes i literally cannot engage bc ill just be like alright well im black so this power button in my head is going off when ppl talk abt that shit. back in the day when kpop jawns were saying some real outta pocket anti black shit (now everyone is slick with it) it’d always be THEY DONT HAVE GOOGLE THEYVE NEVER SEEN A BLACK PERSON but really it’s like no...maybe they are just racist? that’s ok too.

also the past 2 weeks have been um atrocious bc how fucking easily people fell into the pit of white supremacy and started to turn their ire towards black people and making a competition between our groups just like they wanted. it’s not about the women who are dead anymore, who were sex workers, their womanhood, being asian, being poor anymore. it’s about how much black people get attention and why people only pay attn to us. i am not feeling very generous this week for ppl to excuse that hsit.

on a lighter note, ppl say that abt the whole husband and wife thing. i dont know how to explain how angry that shit makes me but maybe it’s because i do not want to think of my body in relation to a fucking penis at all hours of the day. if bls could kindly not do that it would be nice lmao 

yes there are a lot of those. who are only there to gawk lmao. and just idk worship bc of the cult of personality thing bc of how weird and open they have to be as actors. some of the others are people who /think/ theyre really smart (i think im asmart but i also think i am very dumb and i have adhd to prove that MEDICALLY!!!) but are actually not? or their observations arent great? or idk if they are they arent interesting? but i think well..........we have more refined palettes :P

jk also theres just different personalities. you and  i mesh more bc we have a lot of the same beliefs and are coming from the same place. that makes it easier to understand as well. i really try to remember that but some people are really weird so. again just...the perception of certain things even down to acting skills. but i also dont like.......believe this genre can really do anything at all. on one hand i want them to do it right bc it’s a piece of work so they should. be proud of it. cos most things arent advancing us bc representation and culturalism are a lie bla bla. it’s just that when the depictions are negative or not done well it adds to the problem as opposed to the things that are well done are fairly benign and can’t really pull us back (perf example is the black panther film. i woudl definitely not say it was transgressive as a literal work but visually it’s just stunning. and it’s sad that it’s stunning and surprising but still with basically an all black cast of mostly dark people abd like what it means in the zeitgeist yes. it’s also just a good movie. but it’s still imperialist prop and unfortunately and this is fucking pathetic to say it “opened eyes” in other countries where they hate black ppl and ignore their own racialized minorities HENNYWAYSSSS a better ex is moonlight except moonlight isnt mainstream and is indie tho...still thru a funnel of capital bc a24 but who cares bleed the fuckers dry is my motto. my point is moonlight is both a great work and doesnt bring any failures to the table and its existence helps in ways outside of art but they arent the defining things giving us material advancement sooooo i mean it’s complex (this is my conclusion to everything um guys it’s complex) 

er i had one more point in conjunction to above. oh yea so i like dont need all these extra things to make it progressive. like people really want more women in the show and i am honestly like i really dont. i dont want them to actively do this. if they cant do it naturally then let someone else do it. i am not asking for more bc i dont want it from them. when something comes along i embrace it but i do not see why women should be represented when the genre RELIES on patriarchy. there is no complete satisfying existence for the women in these series. i dont want it. i dont ask people to show us~*~* or respect~* like fuck no the people who make it make it and hopefully more will make it in the future but i will not beg bc THEY DONT WANT TO DO IT SO WOULD FORCING IT MAKE IT BETTER? just fucking leave them out entirely. that’s the answer if theyre gonna make nasty female characters then those bitches can geaux. we have other plcaes to be. booked. and. BUSY!

[machine-gun-casie]

The New Years Fic Writers and Readers Ask Game

i wasnt tagged but i really wanted to do this so here it is!

What was your biggest writing/reading achievement this year?

im glad that im still writing in the first place tbh. ive read more fanfic this year than i have in my entire life for obvious reasons. but im glad i finally wrote an angst piece for the first time in my life. also almond poppy see muffins is my literal child (as well as @enchantedamusedslightlyconfused ‘s, we co-parent)

What did you learn about yourself as a writer/reader this year?

i learned that my reader inserts are more of me inserts and that isnt necessarily a bad thing considering i mostly write for myself, i had just never thought of that. also slightly nsfw but i learned that reading smut makes me sleepy?? so i started reading smut before bed lol

Did you dive into something familiar or try something new this year?

familiar: yeah fluff is like a go to for me in whatever fandom. new: DEFINITELY i started writing for kells in 2020 (can you believe) and i also started writing for spencer reid :) many nice new things

Share a comment (if a writer) or story (if a reader) that lifted your spirits this year?

i love every comment people leave me (i also read all the tags) and i compile all the ones that i like to look back on with the tag #beautiful people on my blog, but ive also been told by a couple different people that they re-read my stuff which is insanely mind boggling so yeah

as for stories theres two mgk ones i go back to whenever im going thru a rough time: fit by my side by @angrylizardjacket and vegas run by @harringtonstudios

as for criminal minds, ive got my bookmarks on ao3 for my favs on there but my ultimate favorite writers are @reidscanehand and @write-orflight who are only on tumblr as far as i know so i felt like i need to include them :) anything these two writers post i will read no questions asked 

What are you grateful for?

in general? being alive and healthy. but a lot of good things happened to me this year (as well as some really really shitty stuff but oh well). the best thing that happened to me this year no doubt was meeting @enchantedamusedslightlyconfused i love you with my whole heart jordan 

im also grateful for kells, he helped me in a way no artist ever has. if u had asked me a year ago if i even liked rap i would have laughed in ur face i kid you not. he changed me along with so many things this year and i truly feel like im the best version of myself that has ever existed

im also eternally grateful for content creators, musicians and youtubers and designers, but specifically fandom content creators. if ur reading this and u r one, know that i am so grateful for you.

and my nephew. he cute as fuck.

Have your style (writer) or tastes (reader) changed this year?

im not entirely sure? i feel like with every piece i write i get better. in the sense that its a bit more realistic than when i first started writing. i know my fluff pieces are insanely fluffy and out of reach and very fan girly i truly understand, but it used to be so much worse. so overall i feel like my writing has gotten more realistic, which im proud of.

as a reader, i hoped i could see the appeal of angst this year but i dont think i ever will.

What’s the first thing you want to read or write this year?

i dont think i wanna have writing/reading goals this upcoming year. 2020 was the worst year of my life, but just cuz the clock struck midnight on the 31st doesnt mean that the shit show is over. so i hope that if i do continue writing this year, i do it when im ready. 

Anything new you want to try in 2021?

writing wise (again if i even do keep writing this year), maybe work on some ocs. ive never done that before. itll probably still be incredibly self indulgent but something new. and possibly write a few more soulmate!au’s because those bring me such joy

Do you have any fic resolutions?

i hope i never feel pressured to write anything this year.

im tagging @enchantedamusedslightlyconfused @angrylizardjacket @harringtonstudios @storiesforallfandoms @uhuhuh and if u werent tagged and u want to do this i genuinely mean it when i say consider urself tagged by me and tag me in ur post!!