#its just a blegh day i guess

[eevyerndracaneon]

oops i let ppl ruin the fucking holiday i guess

[floral-hex]

maybe we don’t tell my therapist tomorrow that I stayed up late getting high and then browsing through old friends on facebook until my self esteem collapsed

[fried-manto]

No because Sunny and Kel definitely kissed before when they were little, out of curiosity.

Kel was definitely like, "Y'know, I saw Hero and Mari to The Thing yesterday, y'know that gross thing adults do?"

Then Sunny, chill as he is, says, "You mean they had sex? Woah."

"Huh?" Kel would say because he didn't know what "sex" was and Sunny was not about to explain (well maybe he would've but Kel never asked) "Noo, I mean they were kissing!"

Kel would pucker up his lips, "Y'know the 'mwah mwah' thing, that your mom and dad likes to do."

"I know what kissing is."

"Mom and dad never do them though.." Sunny would mutters under his breath.

Sunny would then turn to his friend and ask, "So what about it?"

And Kel would turn and face him as well, "I don't know, I always wondered what it feels like."

"Kissing?"

"Yeah!"

Kel squints his eyes, "I mean I know its gross," He then put a finger on his lips, "but how would you know that if you never tried it, right?"

"I guess so.."

Kel lights up, "Okay so! Do you want to try it? With me? Kissing?"

Sunny would look at him with a tinge of confusion, his face would for some reason get just a little warmer, "Uhm what? Just us?"

"Yeah! I mean like, theres no one else here who could try it with me."

"Still, ew."

"C'mon! Just this one time!" Kel would beg, "I won't tell anyone!" His face suddenly reddens, "I mean- I won't, of course not!"

Sunny would sigh in defeat, "Ugh.. fine..." he would then look at Kel straight in the eye, with his face slightly blushed with pink, "What do you wanna do then, normal kiss or french kiss?"

"What's a french kiss?" Kel would cock his head.

"Uh.. I think it's like a fancier- more advanced version of a kiss," Sunny would put a hand on his chin, "..I don't really know to be honest, I just caught a glimpse of the magazine Mari was reading that one time."

"So is it like a better version because it's french?" Kel would say.

"I mean I guess so? French stuffs has always been super romantic"

"Super extra you mean."

Sunny would stifle a laugh, "Yeah so you wanna try that or not?"

"Okay okay but what's the difference between a french kiss and a normal kiss?"

"I don't know, I think the french kiss has tongue in it, like you have to use your tongue to-"

"EW!" Kel shakes his head rapidly, "No way no way- no tongue- ew! We're doing the normal kiss. That's so gross."

"Told you so," Sunny would deadpan.

Kel would bounce back as he always does and ask, "Okay so how do we kiss?"

Sunny would rock back and forth, "Uhmm I guess we just... touch each others lips with our own..."

"Okay.. I can do that.." Kel swallows.

"Close your eyes," Sunny would say as they lean towards each other with slightly puckered lips till they... eventually... touched one another with their-

"BLEGH" Sunny coughs, "Kel- why does your lips taste like orange joe?!"

"What.. I was thirsty earlier," Kel would say as he touched his lips, now finding out how soft Sunny's lips actually are. And how much he wants to do it again.

Kel gasps, "That was-" he gasps again, "We should do it again! One more time!"

"Ew no! Not unless you drink actual water next time." Sunny would say, still not recovered from the taste.

Kel would whine for a bit and that would be the last kiss they had for a few years on. Until one day, Kel would finally bring up the topic again.

"Hey Sunny, you remember that one time we kissed when we were kids? You wanna do it again?"

[i984]

Signing off...

Hello! I want to start this post by telling you guys something really interesting...

Tl;dr: I'm taking a break for a month due to severe stress and performance anxiety, plus college and work is kicking me in the arse, but do send requests and prompts in because I need to write them FLUFF to get rid of the stress. Love ya!

So a month ago I stumbled upon a really amazing writer here on tumblr dearest, and I immediately fell in love with their work. It was so well written, and I couldn't comprehend the fact that it was the first ever story they've ever written and they wrote it under such circumstances that if I were to be put in their position, I can guarantee I wouldn't even be able to string a coherent sentence.

Anyway, that really got me thinking.

It's been two months since I first started writing, and revisiting old works of mine reveals something along the lines of "I'm not improving," and "I'm not creative."

It's been a problem I seem to notice, is that I struggle a lot with characterization (ESPECIALLY this) and pacing, among other things that makes me view my works mostly as blegh.

I know comparing is probably not the best way to develop, and I wouldn't say I'm envious of people's talents (because it's obvious some people are just so great at stuff lmao) but it's more like I'm disappointed in myself I guess(?)

In the collective 20 works that I've published over the two months, I still can't fully grasp what works and what doesn't with the Fandom, and I can't quite identify nor fix the problems in my writings. Combined with the burn out, this makes writing a very painful process for me even though I really want to enjoy it.

I rely very heavily on external validations and to see that in the midst of the dead Fandom (when compared to when it's at its peak), people can still garner almost 1k notes in the span of a week (and I can see why it's very well loved), posting here just makes me so stressed when I shouldn't even be.

It got so bad to the point I have trouble breathing every time I think about writing, and although now it doesn't happen as often, the performance anxiety is pretty much there.

Work, as well as college too has been a pretty great contributor for my stress and to put writing on top of that is just excruciating for me.

And that's why I'm taking a break!

It'll probably a month break like how I've stated in previous post, because it's become apparent I need rest LMAO

Thank you so much for the support you guys have shown and sent my way, I want to say that I really appreciate it! Honestly I wouldn't get this far without you guys, I love you so much!

I've set some reblogs for other creator's works while I'm gone, because I've been meaning to read but I just haven't found the opportunity for it. People here make such great works <3

If you guys have any requests, PLEASE DON'T HESITATE TO SEND THEM IN. I know this might feel contradictory but as I pointed out, I'm not really imaginative or creative, and I really want to write things, but most of the time I cant come up with anything or what I think is good isn't what you guys want (I know I still have a bunch of requests sitting around, but like I said I write when inspiration struck me).

So yes, send requests in so that I can do some writing during the break, and hopefully come back with a bunch of requests already done and ready to post!

Also, if you guys make it this far, I've got a surprise for you which is I'm finally trying to work on the series I've been planning to do since January HAHA! We'll have to see where it takes me but right now I have so much ideas running around in my brain and not enough waking hour in the day to develop and write it.

How do you guys feel about lord crime v.s. master detective trope BECAUSE I AM CRAZY ABOUT IT.

I'll see you guys when I do :) Love you! ❤

Special thanks to:

@missmonsters2 and @robiin-buckley for being the people who literally BURNS my heart with the desire and give me the courage to write, I wouldn’t be here without you 🥺💘

@ocyrus for being my first ever anon, I cannot stress how much I owe you <3

@tulipsbymybed for hyping me up when I first started and when I thought my work is a shitshow.

@vorsdanysstuff for being the first person to reblog my stuff and says some very very nice things about it and gave me more confidence to write, and also. For finding me and being the love of my life. I treasure you with my whole being.

@wol-fica for feeding me with cat pictures and being my lovely wife who misses me when I'm gone and makes picrews of us together, I love you so much 💓

@maryannecrimsworth for noticing my username and for loving my blogs questionable aesthetic, and for talking to me about dystopia and being my favorite lil bro!

@cursedchar for being the awkward mutual at first but now we spew chaos every where and every time we talk and interact. Honestly, you bring the wild side in me out to the world. Still hate your angsty stuff tho.

@tundra1029 FOR BEING THE ICON THAT GIVES GOOD ASS AMAZING PROMPTS and being a super lovely person and a great writer, I love you buddy <3

@alexkolax for well. You know me the most out of everyone in this site. My respect and trust for you is through the roof and cannot be expressed with mere words. Thank you for being here, Lex.

@ricosnumber1fan for being there in most of my works. I still think about you and scroll through your comments and reblogs. You're the best (second to sourdough tho).

@theflamboyantshadow for always leaving amazing comments under my posts, you are the sweetest person ever and I really wish you a great fucking life. Love you.

@iamnicodemus for writing that dragon Wednesday fic... and LEAVING THE MOST FLATTERING REBLOGS. ILYSM AND. you always make me smile when I think of you LMAO

@literally everybody else who've single handedly kept me alive and well on this site, I appreciate all your little asks, reblogs, comments, likes, and just UGH my heart aches for every single one of you.

Pray I return soon.

[mcrredacteddeadove]

recently relapsed with my ed and not doing so well so. projecting in a way of coping

(and feel free to ignore if this is too much idk blegh)

twin brother mikey finding out because in the middle of the night he had woken up and needed to use the restroom and in there he could hear me gagging and he opens the door to find me hunched over the toilet with my fingers stuffed down my throat. before i could panic he quickly blurts out that he also has an ed and from then on we help each other in the worst way possible <3 <3

he keeps me in check and is so degrading whenever i mention having the urge to binge. if anyone questions our eating habits, we both cover for the other immediately. we share tips we find online and show each other thinspo. we share safe foods and find new recipes to make together that are low in calories. our hangouts mostly comprise of us going to the gym and working out until we’re woozy. if not that, going clothing shopping to plan what size we want to work towards next. we’re already so close and understand each other so well so of course when one of us brings up fucking to distract from our hunger from fasting and to burn extra calories, i mean why not, right??? and from then on, if mikey got a hard on whenever i wrapped a measuring tape around my thigh and saw that the number had gone down from the last time and seeing how proud i am of myself. well then guess he’ll just have to go fuck his twin about it ig. also him admiring how pretty i look with the red and purple splotches my face gets whenever i purge bc it looks like someone just got done beating the shit out of me <3 and since no one else seems to understand us on the level we understand each other, so what if i withdraw from everyone else and only spend my time with him? and so what if he did the same? and since no one else can talk to us anymore without the other being there, its harder for anyone to try getting us help and its way easier for us to self destruct and take the other one down with us (hand in unlovable hand type of shit idk)

(bonus if one time while purging, mikey took a video of me and sent it to gerard for him to jack off to it, saying that its just because i was sick that day and had a stomach bug, nothing else)

- 🦭

<3

[phoenixfangs]

tagged by @rizaposting HOLDING UR HAND AND PRESSING MY FOREHEAD AGAINST UR SHOULDER i never get tagged in these so this is fun huehue

are you named after anyone? not technically, ive asked my parents multiple times about How they came up with me and my siblings names, but they just. didnt think very hard about it. fjkdlsjfdlas. but in a way im named after my mom, because me and saturns given names start with the same letter as our moms; my younger siblings names start with the same letter as our dads. i guess me and saturn could also be named for one of my dads uncles?? our names mixed make that uncles name. but idk im not willing to believe my dad cares that much about Anyone in his family to honor their memory through our names lawl

when was the last time you cried? i think the other day watching atla, when zuko and iroh reunite before the final battle. zuko trying to stumble through an apology and thinking iroh must hate him, but iroh just without even saying anything grabbing zuko and pulling him into a tight and tearful hug... man ;_;

do you have kids? HELL NO!!!!! im barely halfway through my 20s i should be at the club. dont want kids, never wanted kids, will never want kids. i will tolerate being my nieces and nephews cool auncle when my siblings start having kids of their own, and No More, thanks

do you use sarcasm a lot? i guess so?? its hard to gauge. i feel like most of the time i speak sincerely, but i will also throw in the occasional sarcastic quip. shrugs

what sports do you play? i dont play any sports anymore, but up until high school i played softball. i was pretty good i think! pitcher and second base. also in middle/high school i was a baton twirler for band and i guess dance competitions (i have Never thought of it as 'dance' but i guess technically i was dancing... blegh), and im gonna count that as a sport. any activity with the possibility and probability of being hit on the head by a metal rod counts as a sport to me

what’s the first thing you notice about people? probably their height. most people are taller than me but i will make an immediate note of people who are Shorter than me

what’s your eye color? grrrreen gray? i spent a few minutes staring at my eyes trying to figure out the color but all i did was strain my eyes jfldks

scary movies or happy endings? hmmmmmm i love both. i like blood and gore and guts and evil, but i also like heartwarming fluff where everything works out. i cant decide!! it just depends on my mood hehe

any special talents? i hesitate to claim i have perfect pitch because it sounds self congratulatory, but im pretty sure i have perfect pitch lmao. i cant Identify notes by name but i can recreate pretty much any note i hear, as long as its in my range. im not a good singer though lawl i dont have the technique. in the same vein, i can recreate other noises i hear pretty well, like i taught myself how to do the perry the platypus clicking sound Thing he does just by listening to it

where were you born? texas born and raised! everyone i knew growing up was a redneck or a 'cowboy church' christian

what are your hobbies? drawing, writing fanfic oneshots or rps with friends, bideo games, rewatching the same handful of tv shows and letsplays and video essays over and over again

do you have any pets? my son, my sweet bubby, apollo :> my stupid little man, hes gonna be 3 this year i think! flame point siamese kitty, dumb as rocks, currently i think hes burrowed in the sheets on my bed taking a nappy

how tall are you? 5'2", but add a couple inches because i almost exclusively wear shoes that add height, like my Big Dyke Boots i wear every day hehe

favorite subject in school? any of my electives probably, like art and music/band. in college my favorite classes i ever took were film appreciation, screenwriting, and theatre directing (which i signed up for thinking it was film directing, but it was still so fun and interesting)

dream job? honestly?? i think anything on the set of a movie or tv show would be awesome. maybe creative consultant, so that i can interject my own ideas into other peoples projects. i tend to feel my most creative when im working Around other peoples ideas tbh. all that, or lead writer/director on my own tv show/movie/video game, if i ever feel like i can handle that pressure

GET TAGGED @applescabs @lizardyeast @cottagegay and anyone else that sees and wants to participate :>

[kikibridges13]

Dancing With Your Ghost | Chapter 9's Medical Breakdown

Chapter 9 here.

Full story here.

Hoo boy this was an easy one to write out, but rough on me emotionally. What you see in this chapter is almost a step-by-step of what I got to witness each day for 6 weeks.

Actually, for me, it was about 8.5 weeks, due to the weather, holidays, and being so damn sick, I was admitted to the hospital about a week before Thanksgiving because my gallbladder decided around that it was going to show it's ass in the middle of all that.

This is an excerpt from the blog that I had kept during that time.

Today's office visit was almost painless. It first started with a 12 minute video on what to expect for Radiation Therapy – which all I could think about during the entire thing was how they could have done certain scenes and transitions differently (my degree has officially ruined me. I'm critiquing medical videos now). However, I did pay attention enough to take in what all would be done, which according to their five steps (consultation, set up, simulation, therapy, and post check-up), I'm onto step three.   Today was set-up. First starting with making a mold of my teeth, which will help the doctors make sure that they are treating the same spot each time. While I was biting down on that disgusting putty for five minutes (which almost six hours I can still taste. Blegh.), a nurse was marking three places on my face that would also help make sure everything was aligned each time during radiation. Okay, I guess I could handle having three tiny blue spots on my face for six weeks. And then she pulled out a needle.   Suddenly I'm not liking this idea anymore. Apparently, these marks only show up under a some sort of blacklight or laser beam because I haven't noticed anything largely noticeable. But the nurse dabbed some kind of ink onto the spots she had made with a sharpie, then used the need to push the ink into my skin.   How do people in prison set there and have tattoos done slowly that way? Because those three needle pokes were enough to make me want to run. Or just wince in pain since that wasn't an option. Good thing I was biting down on something during that.   After those were done, I had to have a mask made that would make sure that I wasn't going to move duri\ng the treatment. It looks like a fencing mask that comes down on the bridge of your nose and has to be stretched to go over your head. So once they had it warm enough to stretch, it was placed on my head and stretched, then locked into CT machine. This is where I felt like the Man in the Iron Mask. I definitely had no room to move, so the thing had done its job. Then they did their CT test, and I was finally free.  

My next blog post would be a month later, because what happens to Buck at the end of the chapter somewhere happened to me. As soon as my first treatment ended, not only did I have that constant nauseous feeling all the way home (and I lived an hour and a half away from the hospital I had to go to for treatments, so I was having to make a 3 hour round trip every day for a whole 10 minute treatment), but I had a constant dull headache the entire time. My parents ended up going to work - they had a second shift job at the time - and about 8 hours after that first treatment, I had a headache as tense we see Buck have. I didn't lose consciousness, but honestly that would have been better than 4 hours of intense pain. My parents came home, took me to the ER, and they gave me a shot of painkillers and sent me on my way.

And then I experienced the same thing the next, including actually sickness and extreme hydration.

But we'll see more of that in the next few chapters.

[feekins]

fell a little behind, so today imma cover the extras in Trigun vol 2 - "Day In Day Out" and "Trigun Pilot" 😁

(NOTE: I'm reading the Dark Horse [physical] and the Overhaul [online] translations side-by-side)

after all the heaviness of ch8, depending on how you look at them, these extras are either a palate cleanser or they give you a bit of whiplash 😅 personally, I enjoy them. they're good fun, and it's interesting to compare these earlier Vashs with him at the end of vol 2. now, without further ado...

DAY IN DAY OUT

(Dark Horse on left, Overhaul on right)

just an interesting little translation discrepancy here - there aren't too many context-changing ones in these extras.

oh but I do love that both translations describe how early Vash wakes up (which, judging by the clock, is 4-5am so about the time Charlie gets me up for First Breakfast) the same way - "Earlier than the rooster's crow, children on Sunday, and the morning paper."

...ah yes, the Noman's Land rooster...

[[insert Trigun character recreating the "look at all those chickens!" vine but with toma here]]

Overhaul at it again, providing more context and clarity =u= although I do think both translations, while different, give off a similar vibe, pointing out little contradictions or things that seem counter-intuitive here.

(Dark Horse on top, Overhaul on bottom)

again, similar enough imo - but I enjoy the Overhaul's translation more bc it's sillier 💕

speaking of which...

...minor translation discrepancies here, but "All Days" VS "Oldies" is cracking me up bc I think I know how Dark Horse got what they did - it's a mistake/some confusion in what foreign (to Japan) word Nightow meant!

in Japanese, "imported" words tend to be written in katakana rather than hiragana. it's kind of like how, in American English, you might see "imported" words printed in italics in some books. anyway, I looked up the Japanese word for "Oldies" and it brought up オールディーズ (literally "oorudeiizu"). and here's the thing: there's no "dee" (like in "deer") sound in Japanese. to denote that in katakana for an "imported" word, then, you'd use the character デ ("de" like in "den") + the modifier ィ ("i" like in "eerie") + symbol to indicate an elongated vowel sound. hence, "oorudeiizu" - which I guess Dark Horse then mistook, thinking it meant "All Days"

(...but if that were the case, wouldn't it originally have to be "aarudeiizu"...? dgixgujgx I'm getting sidetracked, sorry - I am ① an anthropologist who ② took some Japanese classes way back when, so I got excited 😵‍💫)

ANYWAY.

......"Sonic Sodom" eh? I mean, alright! 😆

notable translation discrepancies, but either one does its job: makes this creep seem like more of an ass

now, the second extra...

TRIGUN PILOT

first page, first translation discrepancy. it's minor, but again, the Overhaul gives us more info. second panel, first block of text. Dark Horse has "Even if we're sheltered beneath a giant umbrella, we don't know what tomorrow may hold." meanwhile, the Overhaul has "Even if we're sheltered underneath an umbrella of our old technology, we don't know what the future holds."

there's another discrepancy on the second page, second block of text. more significant difference here. Dark Horse has:

Vash the Stampede is now known as a "localized disaster."

meanwhile, the Overhaul has:

Having caused massive amounts of destruction, he is now under suspicion of being the world's first "localized disaster."

lmao what an ass

and it's interesting how we see the kind of person Count Bostalk is right from the start...

and then we have Vash dancing in listening to his transistor radio. classic. 🤣

🤨

blegh. translation discrepancy that changes the context. I already liked this bandit guy, but the Overhaul makes me like him more. less "macho" more "I HAVE to take revenge for the heinous things Bostalk did"

the pilot does such a good job setting up the complexity of the conflicts in the Trigun 'verse 💕

and I don't like this one 😑 Dark Horse's translation here is...kinda jerk-like. condescending, kinda? anyway. let me sing another love song to you, Overhaul~

finally, I had to put these panels together. the translations are close enough, so no complaints there - the sass of this exchange just didn't hit me until now. Vash is such a lil shit and I love it 💕

[thessalian]

Thess vs MINERVA

After all the Being A Motherfucking Adult of yesterday, the rest was entirely a recovery day. Might have picked up Forbidden West again if I was in the middle of Zen hunting and travelling to someplace and that kind of thing. Not when I had Jumping Puzzle of DOOM ahead of me. But I decided I could do it today.

Right. Here we go. Aaaaaaand of course there's a forcefield. Finding a way around.

So there's going to be guardian machines around here somewhere because they've been everywhere, so what do we have? Burrowers? Scroungers? Scrappers?

...Of course it's fucking Leaplashers. FUCK. OFF. LEAPLASHERS.

Okay, now what? Ah. Shoot the glowies. I can do that. Poonk. Poonk. POONK.

Hrm. Stuff in the way. Find a thing to weight it down-- Wait, when did we start playing Portal?

Of course it can't be that simple. Shove shove shove. Run run run. Drag drag drag. Blegh.

Oh shit I missed shooting one BACK I GO.

Okay. FINALLY. Right. What next? Oh you want me to glide now.

NO NO NO I PRESSED SPACE YOU STUPID-- and into the lava I go.

Right. So from there to there to there. Lemme check my timings.

(Fuck I'm glad I do story mode on this. I bet the timings are way less forgiving in other modes. Fibro does not allow for that kind of precision.)

And more timings for the vent aaaaaaand... Ride the floaty machines, okay. YEET.

I admit it's kind of nice having someone around marvelling at the awesome and frankly insane shit I do in these things.

Aaaaand we're in. Oh. Fuck. Well. Sorry, land-god, HAEPHESTUS is a jackass.

Also ... really sorry, Zo, but you're right, your people can't see this. I am so, so sorry that HAEPHESTUS is a jackass.

THERE IS NOT ENOUGH COVER IN THIS STUPID CAULDRON FUUUCK.

Okay. Everything be dead. Thank you. Now. Fuck. Off. HAEPHESTUS.

Oh. So you're stealing a trick off me and hiding in the cloud. Well, fuck you too.

Oh. And we have a Cradle. And MINERVA is not happy. Yeah, I'm not exactly having the best day either, MINERVA.

Aaaaaaand we're stuck in a room. Well, fuck that. I can climb. And pry open doors. And open vents. And-- ooh, hey, green shiny!

Right. Lengthy cutscene incoming-- Oh, come on, MINERVA, I am trying to help you here!

"MISERY ... WILL CEASE?" Oh damn I'm nearly crying over an AI. (Like, an actual AI, not what the tech bros and corporate shills are trying to foist on us in the real.)

Hi, GAIA. You-- Wait, you're digging through my Focus? Hang on; all the stuff I recorded on my old Focus was destroyed, so how are you getting Rost? Were my Foci networked? If so, doesn't that mean Sylens can just spy on everything? Or is it just that you're a techno-god AI thing that--? Okay I will stop poking the Jenga Tower of Logic for now.

Yeah, please don't scare my friends. Thank you.

So ... wait. This base is, like ... mine, now? Can I maybe ... like ... hang a few plants? Tapestries? Furs? Something, I dunno; this place is kind of gloomy as fuck.

Ooooooh so this is what the drone data's for! Oh, dude, this is gorgeous.

Wait. So there's a mechanic to get better at overriding machines now? Huh, and I need more Plowhorn bits. I don't think the Utaru will like me shooting their land-gods for that, so I guess I'll have to hope for more on the other side of the mountains.

...Oh, you Odyssey bastards. I kind of wonder how much is "descendent" and how much is "clone" at this point, since the woman's voice I heard in that little collection of folks was very much like the Tilda I heard talking to Elizabet in one of those old data points. Those shitheels really did just want to live forever.

And now they want to TAKE OVER THE WORLD-- Fuck's sake, by killing everyone who already lives here? Fuckheads. You're not better just because you have a bunch of history books or whatever! You're just the same kind of grasping assholes as left the world in its sorry state the last time!

(I'm honestly not sure what this says about colonialism, though I admit it's nice to be the individuals fighting against the colonialist shitheads because, hey, we were here first and we survived without your tech-god bullshit.)

Yeah, I don't really know how I feel about another machine-army either. If I could just get something to shut down their stupid forcefields, I'd be happy with that. Just make them vulnerable to the Arrow-To-Face manoeuvre, and I'll cope. Then again, something needs to go after their Venom-Meets-Modrone bullshit.

Okay, what's going to be the excuse to let me wander alone this time? ...Aloy, that's actually smart. Let them in on it; let them understand, or at least as much as they're going to through the filters of their experience and--

Oh. You're going to go get Erend? I can live with that. And Zo is ... probably going to end up some kind of priestess among the Utaru, at least after she does whatever she's going to do to help us.

And we're into the actual West! LIZARDS! I NEED LIZARD BITS!

But first I need a campfire that's not at the base-- Oh. Hi, Tenakth lady. I don't really think you're violent savages but I do have to be careful about that lady's rebel bullshit. Thanks for the heads-up about the bases; I'll see what I can do because I really like taking those out.

Got anything interesting, Peddler-Dude? ...Not really. Lemme sell you some vendor trash and be on my way.

Ooh, drone! Lemme just clear those Shellsnappers out of the way--

Um. What's that?

Does ... does that say Apex?!?

Ofuckofuckofuckofuckofuck.

WHERE THE FUCK DID IT GO--? Oh. SHIT.

Hide and seek tiiiiiiiiiiime!

Aaaaaaand FINALLY. Okay. Area clear. Now lemme get up to where that drone leap point is-- Oh, hey, green shiny!

Attempt 1 - missed. Fuck. Well, I guess I needed to use up some of the medicinal berries in my stash anyway.

Attempt 2 - missed. Gonna have to dash it.

Attempt 3 - SUCCESS! Whole new drone point for Planetarium! WOO!

Okay, now lemme just get that last campfire-- LIZARDS!

No ... no ... no ... I need skin, damnit. GIVE ME YOUR SKIIIIN.

Fuck it. Campfire. Break needed. Then I'll spend a couple of hours hunting lizards, probably.

Really kinda glad I had no plans on going out today. As the meme goes, "It fucken WIMDY". I'm a little paranoid about my outside plants, but they seem to be okay so far. But it's definitely time for a screen break. More coffee, probably. Fruit, because I require feeding. Then ... yeah, probably hunting lizards for hours. Because I am insanely patient about some things. And I very much want lizard skin.

[thepig]

its so fucked i didnt do what i wanted to iver the two days i had off because i was just so bone tired and these two shifts are gonna wipe me out again... blegh. ive been getting kind of uselessly high to cope which also stops me from doing junk. im kinda in a spiral rn i guess idk. like a pilot circling

[rogueshadeaux]

Chapter One - Regrets and Threats

“I know,” Dad sighed. “Guess I’m just getting ready for you two growing up. It’s…it’s a crazy world out there, right now. With the anti-Conduit legislation, the terrorist attacks — you two doing the ACT.” He added as a joke. But it didn’t lighten the look on his face. “I’m worried.”

5k words | 16 min read time | TRIGGER WARNINGS: terroristic threats, implied homelessness

I rushed, absolutely rushed, to get the dishes clean.

He wasn’t supposed to be back for another three days, I wasn’t prepared to even have to worry about this yet. My head was throbbing, giving an extra hard pulse every time I chucked a cleaned plastic cup in the dish rack.

Man, I hated being hung over. 

“You almost done out there?” I hollered over the scream of the vacuum in the living room. 

“Y-yeah, almost!” Brent yelled back, followed by the crinkle of the vacuum sucking up more crumbs. There was a curse, then he added, “Shit, Jean, Dad’s truck!” 

Abandoning my glass plate, I moved around the corner, looking past a panicked Brent and out of the bay window of the living room. Yep, he was right; Dad was back, slamming the door to his truck right that moment, and I hadn’t even started on the back porch. 

“Okay, uh,” I faltered. “Act natural? Put on baseball or something, I’ll go back to doing dishes.” The more it looked like we were caught off guard, the better. Dad just needed to not look out back. 

“It isn’t even baseball season!” 

“You know what I mean!”

I practically ran to turn the tap back on, picking the glass plate back up and trying my best to act normal. He just had to keep away from the backyard. That’s it. He’d get back, say hellos, probably go to shower, and that’s when Brent and I could get rid of the alcohol bottles. Easy peasy. 

I hope.

I was able to get through the plate and two pans before hearing the deadbolt to the front door turn and it’s hinges creak in the stress of opening, Dad’s voice ringing out “Honey, I’m hoooooooome!” In a terrible sing-song voice. 

“Hey Dad!” I heard Brent greet over a Seahawks—Rams game. 

“Dad!” I shouted from the kitchen, turning off the tap. Regardless of what we were trying to hide, I missed him and had to go give him a hug. 

Dad was still stuck in his suit, the top two buttons of his shirt open and his tie jokingly wrapped around his head like a ninja headband. He looked so out of place when he was dressed up, so far away from the leather jacket and worn jeans he’d always wear otherwise. I hated seeing him all…fancy. 

My friends loved it though, dubbing him their favorite DILF.

Blegh.

I dashed over to him, Dad easily intercepting me in a crushing bear hug so forceful he popped my spine. “Ah, missed ya, Jeanie.” He grumbled, pulling away. “Oh, gross, you’re wet.” 

“Well I was doing dishes,” I laughed, “You didn’t give us much time to clean up.” 

Just play it cool. Admit a little fault and he won’t dig deeper. 

Brent finally decided to stand, allowing Dad to clap him on the back but not going much farther than that. Teenage boys; any compassion was unmanly and gay. Just to rub it in though, Dad ruffled his brown hair out of its stupid flipped ‘do. “Missed you too, Brent.” He said pointedly. 

Brent just brushed him off with a playful shove. 

“Why are you back so soon?” I asked as he separated himself from us, pulling his duffel bag back off the ground and gripping his briefcase. “You were supposed to be gone, what, another 3 days?” 

“Yeah, did something happen?” Brent added on, moving out of the way for Dad to squeeze through.

Dad moved only a few steps, stopping to chuck his duffle bag on the couch. “Eh, something came up.” He brushed the issue off with a wave of his hand, not facing us. “Why? Upset I crashed the party?” 

“Funny, Dad,” Brent scoffed, his eyes flitting to mine and betraying the panic. I shook my head at him; there’s no way Dad knew. He had to stop freaking out.

“You know what I love about the future?” Dad suddenly turned to face us, smiling. Not waiting for a response, he continued. “There’s so many good security measures the world has to offer now!” His face shifted to one of knowing. Disappointment. “Like hidden front yard cameras.”

He knew.

I was wise enough to keep quiet; anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law. And Dad specifically laid down the law before leaving; no funny business, no illegal business, and no more than 3 friends over at a time. 

We broke all 3 of those rules last night. 

But if Dad only had front yard cameras, then he only saw us break one rule. Not that big an offense. “Sorry, Dad—“ I began before he immediately cut me off. 

“Look, there weren’t a lot of people,” he sighed. “I only saw 5. Tommy, Theresa. Mei. Dunno the other’s names, don’t care. But I want to know: did anything else happen last night?”

This felt like a trick question.

Brent took the reins this time, managing a playful albeit nervous chuckle before joking, “Depends on if you have backyard cameras.” 

Dad didn’t miss my flinch. Brent, you dumbass. 

I loved Brent. Had to. Hard not to. But God he could be stupid sometimes. Out of the two of us, he couldn’t lie worth a damn. Which made it all the more plausible that his heated cheeks weren’t because of the reaming Dad was preparing, but via an admission of guilt. One Dad cocked an eyebrow to, moving around us to walk to the blinds of the sliding back door. 

“Why did you mention the backyard?” I groaned under my breath. 

“Wh—did you not clean it?” Brent muttered back. 

I only had enough time to shoot him a glare before Dad’s voice, sharp now, asked behind us

“Is that…whiskey?” 

Thanks to Brent, we were now on week two of our month-long grounding. And that included Dad’s newfound punishment; office cleanup. 

This has to be a child labor law violation. I was sure of it. Sure, Dad owned the Conduit Outreach and Legal Endorsement center, but shit, I didn’t wanna be stuck mucking paper copies and sweeping. At least I wasn’t Brent, stuck window scraping outside in the Oregon winter. I know the COLE worked on a volunteer basis, but it should’ve been on my volunteering basis, not Dad’s. 

Still, this was better than him snitching on Theresa, Dominick, Cat, Tommy and Mei, as well as being stuck attending AA meetings to ‘see what alcohol can do to you’, so I guess I’ll take it. 

I was in the middle of mopping a suspiciously sticky spot in front of the break room fridge when Dad poked his head through the breezeway, saying “Jean, when you finish that, come meet me in my office, okay?” 

“Sure, Dad,” I breathed, punctuating the words with vigorous scrubbing. Dad didn’t stick around though, going to go tell Brent the same, I’m guessing. 

I was in his office far sooner than Brent, Dad doing nothing more than acknowledging my presence with a nod before going back to his computer. He always seemed stuck at a computer, typing emails or reading emails or waiting for emails. At least being his own boss meant he didn’t have to wear a suit like he did to his out of town seminars; it never looked quite right on him. 

Still, it was really funny watching my dad work on official documents while wearing a beanie. 

Brent eventually walked in on a shivering huff, nose tip pink from the cold. He shook off his flurry covered coat, hanging it on the back of the other chair before joining me across from Dad. 

Dad clicked a few more keys, closing out whatever he was working on with an authoritative mouse click before turning to contemplate us. No talking. He just stared. Looking between Brent and I in a way that made me think he was gearing up to interrogate us again. I was moments away from throwing Brent under the bus for whatever crime Dad had found out we committed when he finally said, “I’m ungrounding you two.” 

Brent and I glanced at each other. This has to be a trap. “W-why?” I asked, looking back to Dad. 

He leaned back in his leather office chair, propping a foot up on the open space by his thigh. “Brent, Regina. Your birthday is next month. You’re both going to be eighteen. Adults, legally, as much as I hate it.” Dad scoffed a bit at that, as if he was annoyed at our audacity to age. “I’m not gonna…be there, much longer, to tell you what do to. You’ll have to make your own choices, choose your own paths and whatever.” He put his foot down, leaning forward against the desk. “It’ll be your job to take care of yourselves. And I’ve got to admit, at least you both kept it at home and were safe. Mei talked to me earlier—“ he added more pointedly to Brent than I. Despite her being my friend first, even Dad could see they were definitely closer. “She told me how you took everyone’s keys, Brent. Hid them so no one would drive. That’s way more responsible than what I did at your age.” 

“I thought I saw her car when I was shoveling the sidewalk,” Brent muttered. 

“I want to be able to trust your choices,” Dad continued. “Because come next month, I won’t have any part in them. And after what Mei told me, while I’m definitely not a fan of you two sneaking whiskey from my good collection,” he stressed pointedly, “You did good, making sure your bad choice was at least a safe bad choice.”

Dad stopped there, letting the silence hang. I wasn’t sure if he meant for us to chime in with thanks, or say I love you or something. 

So instead I said, “You act like you’re dying, Dad. We’re still gonna stay around after we turn 18.” 

“Yeah,” Brent agreed, “Even if we do go to college or move out, we’re still gonna visit. Call,”

“I know,” Dad sighed. “Guess I’m just getting ready for you two growing up. It’s…it’s a crazy world out there, right now. With the anti-Conduit legislation, the terrorist attacks — you two doing the ACT.” He added as a joke. But it didn’t lighten the look on his face. “I’m worried.” 

His eyes wandered to the picture frame on his desk, and I couldn’t help but follow his gaze. I both absolutely loved and entirely hated that picture: Dad with his arm slinked around Mom, tired and disheveled on a hospital bed. He had baby Brent in his arms, and Mom was holding me with one arm, the other moved so their hands could interlock on her shoulder. 

It was the only picture we had of all four of us. 

Dad did his best, raising us alone. It was hard, and definitely caused the premature graying in his hair he had going on, but he did it. We never felt unloved, or ignored or like we were struggling. Hell, it took us begging him to take a chance to get him to start this traveling thing COLE offered, he was so worried about leaving us alone. I guess the reality of his twins becoming actual adults was hitting him. It barely felt real to us sometimes too. 

“It’s fine, Dad.” I finally said. “We’re fine.” 

“I wish your mom could see you two,” he sighed. “She’d be so proud.” 

We didn’t respond. 

Dad coughed, moving to stand. “That’s also not the only reason I’m ungrounding you two.”

Knew it was a trap. 

He seemed chipper, and yet exasperated. I had no idea the two could coexist. “I’m going to be working from home for the next month or so, so I get to keep a close eye on you two as well.” 

“Wh-, really?” Brent asked, mirroring my sudden excitement. Dad was gonna stay home? Not even come here to work? 

But this place was home to Dad, too. He loved what he did here. “Wait, why?” I asked, looking up to meet his eyes. He wouldn’t do this without reason, a good reason. 

Dad stayed quiet for a minute, rubbing the scruff on his chin. “There’s…well, you need to know,” he muttered, more to himself than us. Sighing, he seemed to disembark from his train of though to rejoin us, starting with, “Remember how I came home early last week? How my trip was cut short two days in?” 

“Yeah,” Brent said. “I just thought it was to yell at us.”

Dad barked out a laugh. “Yeah, partially.” But the humor was short lived, a shadow falling on his face despite the fluorescent lighting. “Well, the seminar was threatened by the Anti-Bioterrorist Movement — you know, Lifeline. Like, bomb threatened. Had to call in a disarming squad and all.” 

“Oh, shit,” Brent whispered.

“Brent Si’ahl, language.” Dad chastised. 

“Sorry,” 

“Anyways,” Dad inhaled deeply. “They weren’t exactly nice. And they had a lot of bad things to say about COLE. About…me. So I’m going to stay home for a while for safety. At least until we see if this bill passes.” 

The Conduit Registration bill. The Big Bad that Dad was fighting against. Congress wanted every Conduit to register their name, DNA, and keep all their information consistently updated on a public database. Dad argued it was no better than the anti-Semitic segregation implemented by the Nazi’s before WW2.

Lifeline, though, said it was no different from a sex offender registry. 

That’s where Dad would go all the time. Speaking out, attending rallies, offering his team’s legal support. Things had ramped up recently after the bill passed the House. It was now up to the Senate to vote on it, and that was coming up on the docket in two months as well. Not to mention last month, Florida won their Supreme Court case for specialty IDs for Conduits. 

Things were tense, to say the least.

“You have to stay home ‘cause the COLE could be next,” I finally worked out. 

Dad nodded, not meeting my eyes. “Any of them could. We’re all going wireless like we did back when that Pandemic hit. The shelters will still be up but everything else is gonna be digital.” 

He opened his mouth to say more, but was cut short by sudden knocking on his office door. It swung open before he could welcome them, and in walked Margarita, the sweet receptionist, red from her jog to the room and the bite of the snow. “Damion, sir, there’s protestors outside.” 

Dad cursed this time, earning a sarcastic “Damion Rowland, language.” From Brent before Dad’s glare cut him down a few sizes. 

“Okay, Jean, grab my computer bag. Brent, grab those files for me,” Dad commanded, pointing. “I’m gonna swing the truck around back and we’re going to leave before things get worse.” 

Dad grabbed his keys off the desk and rounded the corner, breezing past us and to Margarita at the door. “Stay in here until I come get you.” He threw over his shoulder, closing the office door behind him. 

I immediately turned to face Brent. “A bomb, dude, holy shit.” 

“I know,” he pinched the bridge of his nose. “It’s getting worse. A lot worse.” 

“I know,” I repeated. There wasn’t much else I could say. And I bet the guys that placed the bomb were only gonna get a slap on the wrist. “C’mon, grab your coat.” 

We both got dressed for the cold, grabbing all Dad asked us to and standing around, waiting. Almost absentmindedly, I grabbed the photo of the day we were born, looking down at it. I always ended up with this thing in my hand. 

Telling people Brent and I were brother and sister was always fun. Telling them we were twins was even funnier; no one ever believed us. And for good reason — we looked nothing alike. Brent looked a lot like Mom, the natural chestnut brown hair and seafoam green eyes. The blush pink and fair skin. I was more Dad, the black hair and brown eyes and tan skin and, yeah, sort of big nose. It looked good on us though. The one thing — the only thing — we shared were the splash of freckles across our nose, like Mom. Otherwise we definitely looked adopted. 

At least, Brent did. Had him convinced about it one time when we were kids, it was hilarious. 

I tucked the picture away in the side pocket of Dad’s computer bag; if anything happened to this COLE chapter, I didn’t want to lose this. Didn’t want Dad to. I was pretty sure it was the original. 

The hum of Dad’s truck grew outside — and with it, shouting. Super loud chanting and hollering and stuff. Brent and I looked at each other and dashed to the slated blinds without a word exchanged, peaking through. 

There were what had to be two dozen protestors outside, all angrily shouting as Dad shoved his way through them. Some had signs with the Conduit Emblem, the two eagles made by Delsin Rowe, crossed out violently with red paint made to look like blood. Others had a picture of the kid that was killed by a steam Conduit up in Detroit a bit ago. But all of them yelled, chanting, “Bio-Terrorists need to not exist!” Or some stupid variation. There was one burly guy in a ski mask that hollered “Traitor!” at Dad so loudly he flinched. 

“I’m going to fuck them up if I get the chance,” Brent growled under his breath. 

“You and me both,” I muttered, chewing my cheek. 

The back door just next to Dad’s office door slammed shut, him busting into the office a few moments later. We didn’t even bother moving away from the window to hide that we were snooping. Dad noticed, becoming crestfallen at the realization that we saw everything. “Margarita is calling the cops, we should wait till they’re here to go,” 

I nodded absentmindedly, throwing one last look outside the window. 

That was a mistake though, ‘cause I made eye contact with the ski mask asshole. 

He shouted “They’re hiding in there!” And pointed to the window Brent and I were standing. Like vultures, the protestors swarmed the window, Dad gripping me by the hem of my jacket and yanking me back

“Away from the windows, now!” He demanded. Brent followed. 

And just in time too, because with a shattering crash, a brick soared through just where I was and landed with an almost comedic smack on the center of Dad’s big oak desk. 

Glass peppered everywhere, glittering Brent’s black pants with shining shards and almost threatening to cut him, since he was closest. Their chanting and yelling and screaming grew louder, a few protestors beginning to swipe away at the shutters to move them away. “I’ve got kids in here, assholes!” Dad shouted, stepping around me to bend over and brush away at Brent’s pants. “C’mon, let’s get you guys out of here.” 

“Probably some dirty bioterrorists!” A voice responded on the other side. 

Dad didn’t bother answering, wrapping an arm around my shoulders and clapping a hand to Brent’s back, steering us both out of the office as quick as he could. He didn’t stop commandeering us until we were far from the office, down breezeways and halls until he came up to a doorframe, bopping his volunteer card against a scanner next to two large, heavy looking steel doors. 

“We should have some clothes in your size at the closet, Brent.” Dad said as the light bordering the scanner turned green. “I want you to change out of those so you don’t get hurt.” 

“Sure,” Brent breathed as Dad gripped one of the doors, swinging it open. 

The shelters. 

We weren't allowed in here; it was a volunteer area for adults only, and you had to pass background checks to even be considered. Circumstances allowed us to come in, I guess — especially with the chapter leader. I’d never even seen the area before now. In my head, I imagined separate rooms, maybe carpeting. 

Not this. 

The area was a glorified gymnasium; exposed rafters and shining glossed wooden floors. There were bunk beds lined up from wall to wall, each occupied. Lockers ran along the west side of the room, its opposite a cafeteria walkway like the one we had at school. It looked uncomfortable and awkward and void of any sense of privacy. 

You’d think the Portland chapter would be able to afford better for the shelter. 

But there was wonder, beauty and camaraderie. I watched a woman Conduit wave her hands around, and from her fingertips came string; she quickly wove a long sheet, handing it to a Mom who used her own powers to produce a nail from her mouth, hammering the makeshift curtain into the wooden frame of the bunk bed for privacy. The cotton Conduit then crouched down to be eye level with the son, waving her hands around once, twice, three times, seemingly making a doll that looked just like him from thin air. 

A few aisles down, in a small seating area just in front of a TV, one Conduit moved to place his hand on another’s bicep, the ink from his blackout tattoo on his hand seeming to melt onto the woman’s arm, it shifted and bubbled and churned until it settled, a skull and roses tattoo healed perfectly on her bicep as if it had been there all along. 

“Think we can get one?” Brent leaned over, whispering to me. 

Instead, Dad answered, shooting “Absolutely not.” from over his shoulder. 

He continued to lead us to another hallway, stopping just in front of it as he said, “Brent, come with me. Jean, you think you can stay here?” 

“Yeah, sure,” I looked around, pretending I was absolutely not anxious. “I’ll be fine.” 

Dad nodded, motioning for Brent to follow. 

Truth was, though, this was my first direct exposure to any Conduits. Ever. And while I wasn’t scared, it was weirdly nerve wracking. In the same way that a first roller coaster ride or a driving test was. 

Like I had no clue what to expect, but was excited just to be there. 

Right in the hallway junction was a water cooler, little mini red solo cups stacked beside it. Filling a small cup, I moved next to the hall, planting myself on the floor and looking around a bit more. First glance, it looks like a school gym; let your eyes wander longer, and it starts to look like a prison yard. Every window was reinforced with steel, each exit manned by volunteers. But not to keep everyone in, no. To keep people out, like the protestors I could still hear chanting outside. 

“Hey kid,” a voice said to my left, my head shooting that way; it was the cotton Conduit. Her voice was husky, like a smoker, but man if her clothes weren’t top knotch. Looked better than anything I’d be able to buy. “You’re new. When did you get here?” 

“Oh I’m—“ I stuttered, “—I’m here with my Dad. Damion Rowland?” 

The Conduit gasped. “Oh, you must be Regina! He talks about you and your brother all the time.” 

I smiled. She seemed like such a warm person. “Please, call me Jean.” 

“Jean,” she repeated, smiling herself. “It’s good to meet you. I hear you’re turning eighteen next week?” 

“Next month,” I corrected. “On the 17th.” 

“Oh, next month, next month.” She spaced off for a moment, contemplating something for only a breath before looking back down to me. “May I give you a present now?” 

“Oh, no, you don’t have to—“ 

“Nonsense!” She cut me off. “Least I could do after all your Dad does for us. Jean, can’t help but notice you don’t have a hat! What’s your favorite color?” 

“Hmm. I love purples and blues?" 

She nodded, brushing her hair out of her face. Wiggling her fingers, she pursed her lips, deep in some thought I couldn’t even begin to understand before her fingertips began to dance, swirling and turning around each other. 

From one tip, came a beautiful, pale cyan blue; the other, a soft lavender. It took me a moment to notice she wasn’t doing an extravagant summoning dance with her fingers, but was knitting, pulling the strings together again and again until they made the base of a knit hat. 

I couldn’t help but stare, leaning forward as I watched her make diamonds and squares, the strings occasionally changing from lavender and cyan to dark purple and ice blue and back again. There was a reoccurring effort to plug in the Conduit Emblem, a star-shaped two-headed bird, the purple and blue replacing its usual colors as she found a way to fit it into the pattern.

Something that should have taken weeks of work was almost completed in 30 seconds flat. With a final wave, she created a pompom at the top of my new winter hat, blue and purple and dark and light all laced together. 

“Voilà!” She exclaimed. “Happy birthday!” 

I loved it. The design was immaculate, something I’d happily pay for, and as she passed it off to me, I nearly gasped at how soft it was. “Left it loose at the top, so it sits how you kids seem to like to wear them.” 

Slouched. I loved it even more now. 

“T-thank you,” I finally worked out. “I love it. It’s…perfect.” 

She smiled. “I’m glad you do. Now!” She clasped her hands. “Where’s your brother? He needs a gift too.” 

“He’s with Dad, getting changed. There was…” I drew off. There was no reason to give her the whole rundown, especially when she was more vulnerable. The reason, warranted or not. “Protestors.” I finished lamely. 

But she gasped, a hand going to her chest as she asked, “Oh, is he alright?” 

“Yeah, fine, I think. Just got some glass on him, that's all.” I shrugged. “Needed to change.” 

Something must have given away how shaken I was, though. I mean, that was the first time I’d ever been on that side of a protest. Usually I’d just be the person to roll their eyes and brisk past them. But these protesters, they aimed to hurt us. Dad. This lady who made me a hat, the mom and her son now tucked away behind a curtain, the dude giving out free tats. Nearly got Brent, if they had been any quicker. Was this what Dad experienced every day at work? What he willingly faced? 

“It’s alright,” the lady whispered, crouching low beside me. “Don’t worry about those — those hateful people. Just try not to become like them, okay? Besides, your father told us he’ll be staying home for a while. He’s strong. He’ll keep you two safe.” 

All I could do was nod. 

Footsteps echoed from the hallway behind me, Dad and Brent rounding the corner and almost mowing over the two of us. “Oh, Annabelle, hi!” Dad greeted. “I see you’ve met Regina.” 

The lady beside me straightened, smiling widely up at Dad. “Yes, I did. She’s such a beautiful young lady, looks just like you.” 

I blushed, but also didn’t stop from popping up in place, beaming like a little kid as I said “Look Dad, she made me a hat!” I sounded like an idiot, but man was it cool. 

Dad took time to introduce the cotton Conduit, Annabelle, to Brent, her going through the same spree of asking his favorite colors and going to town making him his own hat. A beanie, more than a slouch cap. Guess she got the idea from Dad. It wasn’t long until he had a red, white and blue beanie, the Conduit Emblem on a tag at the hem.

Brent stepped over to me as Annabelle and Dad chatted, trading his hat for mine so we could check out the other’s gift. His was just as soft as mine — I’d argue even softer, considering how much more tightly knit it was. The Conduit Emblem was bound to catch us shit at school, but neither of us really cared. I had the pride of what Dad did here to drown it out and honestly, Brent had the stature to shut anyone up that pushed too far.

I pulled on my cool new hat, cozy and warm and somehow fitting my head just right, looking at Brent and asking if it looked alright. Instinctively I swiveled, letting him check the back of my head too. 

But my eyes, they immediately locked onto someone else’s. 

There was a man, hooded and grimey, sitting crossed-legged on his lower bunk. He was entirely rigid, stiff as a board as he glared my way, mumbling. Almost trance-like. His eyes didn’t move from mine at all, not when I glanced back at Dad, not when I sipped from my water in an effort to occupy myself. Not when I muttered, “Brent, do you see this?” 

“What? I said your hat looks fine—“ 

“No — not the hat, dumbass,” I snapped, glancing back at my brother. Jerking my head, I motioned towards the weird guy. “Him. Look at him.” 

Brent followed my gaze, jumping in place slightly when the man finally broke eye contact with me and looked straight at him, lips still moving in their mutterings. He seemed to stare into Brent’s soul, unmoving as Brent, as cool as he could, leaned against a steel support beam, glaring back. At least he wasn’t intimidated. Better than I could say. His stare was too unnerving, like he was undressing not my body, but my soul right there in the middle of this shelter, picking me apart. 

“Hey,” Dad called over, “Margie said we’re safe to go, you two ready?” 

“Yeah,” I answered, looking at Brent. He still refused to break the stare down. Tugging on his sleeve gently, I whispered, “C’mon man. Let’s go home.” 

Finally, finally, after what felt like forever, Brent looked down at me. “Yeah, okay.” He nodded, forfeiting the win on this weird staring contest. We both turned to Dad—

Who was now looking at the muttering man, too. 

Dad wasn’t nervous like me, or immediately hostile like Brent. He cocked his head to the side as their eyes met, and when I glanced back to the man, I realized he was no longer mumbling. He was still absolutely stiff in place, like a corpse in rigor mortis. 

Their contact was short lived though, Dad shaking his head as if to rid himself of his curiosity, motioning for us to start heading towards the door we came through. 

“What a freak,” Brent muttered, whining when I immediately hit his arm.

“You can’t say that here!” 

He scoffed, “I’m not saying being a Conduit is weird, but why the hell is he staring down a teenage girl? Gotta be sketch,” 

“Maybe he just thinks my hat is cooler.”

“Shut up.”

[jinifishy]

rant

guys im actually really sad rn because i never would have expected for jinni to leave nmixx AND jyp. because you know. i literally have her for this blog. one of my ult biases. like i hope shes okay. what about nmixx? like dang, this year is the worst for ggs

bugaboo also disbanded today, but i mean, i guess it was bound to happen since it was a nugu. yuh i acc knew them a bit.

my head is just blegh cuz all of these ggs are falling this year. like countless groups have disbanded and members have left and stuff and even the loona situation is like agh and i dont even know anymore-

one day ill make like a 2022 timeline for the ggs to see how long it is lol.

i might change my acc appearance because ill get so sad each time i see jinni. she had potential! she really did.

but i cant yk. i still wanna remember her (and my lazy butt lol)

just talking just talking.

probably shouldve done this on @k-zuha but um its better if i just say stuff on here

bye

[paleclementine]

torniquet by Evanescence has been my jam lately.

Anthony came back yesterday and we spent the entire rest of the day together. I love him. He was grumpy, and then we coomied and he napped and we ate icecream and he played games-- and then he was very sweet and silly to me. I pointed out the circumstantial change in mood and he thought it was funny. It was one in the morning and we were hungry so we went to winco and got food and watched adventure time together. and then we had a sleepover. they ran out of toilet paper so his roommate bought three packs of WET WIPES instead. eeewwwie.

on a sicker note, I got a message from my Shakespeare professor asking if I used ai on my essay (i did) and if I don't source it, then it''s plagiarism. Technically, AI detectors can't prove anything, just hint at things. The reddit thread I read about it said to deny, deny, deny. so that's what I'll do. ill either say I did;t use it or just used it to generate ideas but never directly quoted it. ill figure it out. I'm sorry for all the typos, I'm trying to type quietly and its hard.

this morning has been buttsuck. I had weird dreams with chandler (but skinny), braden (but still Mormon looking), and my dad who sexually abused me in the dreamand just blegh blegh blegh. Hr's coming to visit this Friday and i hate that that's in my head. I woke up and had to pee crazy bad, found the wet wipes and realized I couldn't pee there, went back to my room in my bedhead state and saw Jimena and randy (its awkward because I really haven't interacted with them all weekend), got ready for the day (it was fine), scared Pria by walking behind her, maintenance came over and it was scary, had to write 5 pages of commonplace entries in the span of 30-40 mins. ugh. anyway. oh and class just buttsucks because people think they're soooo smart and better than others just for thinking people in the 1800s were mean for thinking women shouldn't have rights.

any fucking way.

Anthony and I are going to do a BSD marathon today and eat hamburger helper (bc my meat is about it go bad) and go for a walk in the woods. I'm really excited for it. having freedom is the only way I feel peace.

I think I'm starting to get really burnt out. its hard to keep up with my assignments, projects, etc etc. my grades will surely drop this year. I don't think its because of how I've been using chatgpt for everything-- it think it's a symptom, and not a cause. writing for fun is the only productive thing I like to do these days, but I wish I knew how to draw good. wahh.

It's not even cold yet. I guess that's a good thing.

[a-scummy-hybrid]

Some of the things i hate about Post-Covid

This photo is gonna act as a blocker to not give anyone any anxieties or whatever.

Random "heart hiccup" which im pretty sure is a heart palpitation (i've felt these before but never knew what they were, they werent as common and they still arent as common with P-C now, or at least, seem to depend upon whats happening or whatever, but when it does happen, its a little... blegh, I dont like it, its not painful, its like having the wind be knocked out of you or something).

Shortness of Breath, this sensation usually like... appears where it feels like my nose is stuffy or even not stuffy in the slightest. I hate this one the most because it happens when im sitting down and its just like... wow, annoying.

Soreness/Pains in certain parts of the body, this isn't as common as it use to be a couple of weeks ago (as in one or two weeks ago), but when they do happen, its like "wow... this hurts but ive gotta pull through."

Random Nausea Event, this one comes out of nowhere, its not followed by dizziness or whatever, but its just sorta like, it happens, my best guess is that this could be due to me not having eaten anything yet or if its actually P-C related, still, annoying when it does.

Feeling like... i am unable to move as quickly, although tbh this may be due in part due to my weight/fit or something, I can't exercise to the fullest (mainly because i fear that i may pass out), i really wanna get rid of my gut, but still keep some of my tummy. Although sometimes, this does happen when im out and about trying to keep up my pace with someone. So i have to keep my pace.

Random Migraine, this one seems to happen rarely now, although does rear its ugly head in like a teacher not trusting their students to stay behaved or whatever.

Randomly coughing & the sensation of a phlegm, yeah, chronic cough aint fun, additionally having some... weird phlegm (for me, it looks like a clear large microorganism?) Its really strange, and i tend to hate it.

Potentially other symptoms im forgetting about, but I guess it would be things like the rare brain fog, joint pain, muscle pain like the chest hurting (yes i did go to the emergency room for that one and the results were clean, as in, I didn't have any heart problems), etc. And i think thats about it? Regardless, i feel like the best way to describe Post-Covid is the Biten Status Effect from Terraria Calamity (before the patch that basically nerfed said debuff so that it wasn't annoying to deal with), where you have one specific ailment that negatively effects you but overtime you just randomly get inflicted with random debuffs. Either that or its like a revolving door, with a bunch of people going in and leaving, either staying in the lobby with the revolving door or just leaving, either getting stuck inside or something. Anyways... I just wanted to vent about this as i deal with this bullshit. I am walking around for at least 2 hours per day so that i can keep my health up but i really do wanna exercise at some point, i really do wish there was an easier way to like... get rid of some of my belly fat. Only problem is i like my belly, but if i want to lose my weight (as I use to weigh a lot less than i use to, but due to being neglectful around at a certain point in my life, I added some to me, and i would really like to lose said pound). Anyways, thanks for reading this, if you did take the time to do so.

[haunted-artist]

whoops its Ghost Story Time cause i remember things so, be me, I'm working at B&N. Working the cash register, alright work. I like making small talk with people, cause hey its something to do and you get to chat with people. (work enrichment even cause god it gets boring otherwise) Checking out this old couple, don't really remember what they bought but it probably wasn't much. Talking, yadada. Suddenly, they give me like. this big ass pamphlet for some church or religious thing. I'm like, What. I'm supposed to be giving you things you're not supposed to give me things. Course I didn't say that but that's what was goin on in my head. Think I tried to decline them as nicely as possible, cause I'm not really a religious person and also this is kinda uncomfortable! They insist however and I end up holding onto it for the rest of the day (very confused). My town's pretty religious (churches on everyyyyy cornerrrr), and I've certainly had my fair share of religious nutjobs yelling on campus (when I was still in college) about god and sinners and shit. Usually it's really easy to just say "NO THANKS" as you walk on by them to wherever you're going. Think that was generally what people did cause man that's like, blegh. That's probably the one time I was like, I could not run away and I didn't want to be mean to a customer if I didn't have a reason to be. (Well, not like I really could anyway, I usually had to call a manager or someone else for help cause I would start getting nervous cause I don't wanna be meannnnn. Mostly reminded of the time we had a bunch of customers cause its Christmas and ALL HANDS ON DECKKKK kinda busy. I was talking to this lovely elderly lady and also trying to help her sign up for a store card, cause she had a lot of books and she could get a better discount. *However*, she also had her asshole of a son there. This was also when everyone was still masking, so I also had a mask on. I remember he told me like, 2 times to speak louder? (Even though *he* wasn't the one I was talking to, I was talking to his mama!) I don't quite remember why he was there, but I remember one of my managers was at the register too, probably something that needed his help. However, the asshole suddenly *yelled* at me to speak up or, something, don't quite remember what he said be it was directed at me cause I wasn't being loud enough. Might have asked me to take off my mask even though I didn't want to. Memory gets a bit fuzzy there for a moment cause I kinda like, blanked for a moment from nerves and fear? Remember suddenly stuttering and babbling cause, hhhh. My manager ended up taking over and confronting the guy, telling him that he was not allowed to yell at his employees. Don't remember the full conversation, but apparently asshole cussed at him and manager told him to get out and not come back. After that was over I got asked if I was ok and if I needed to go to the back (which I did cause that was wayyy too much I needed a moment). Awful SoB I hope he stubs his toe on everything. ANYWAY THAT WAS A TANGENT-)

Anywayyyy I'm not really good with dealing with like. Conflict I guess. Least in person. I either get really emotional or like, walked over I guess? Well, maybe not "walked over" but I have a hard time saying "no" to some things I guess. Like, my job was pretty good don't get me wrong! Enjoyed working there (sides from the pay i hope the unionizers win against em!!) and most of my coworkers were great! Just sometimes had the lil stories that stood out for the bizarre or the bad.

[souljournaler]

some journaling

my brain said "you better give me stimulation 24/7 or else im gonna start thinkin" and i looked at my brain in all its "electric meat reacting to a Full Moon conjunct retrograde Mars in Gemini" and i decided it's time to sit down and do some free-form journaling

oh my gods i just switched over to the legacy editor to write this and it’s night-and-day for how much better this works, lmao. anyway

yeah so this full moon was so aggressive that i started my period the second she hit 100% visibility.

PMS lasted what feels like a lot longer than usual, and i had cramps for days before i saw blood. the yoozh: sense of doom, squidward-style anxiety about the future, compelling sense of impatience, self-loathing for needing to rest, a little bit of task overwhelm, general tiredness

it doesn’t help that it’s been super overcast these past few days. ive literally gone from taking my observations every day to completely forgetting for days in a row. there is a HUGE weather system coming thru these next few days and so i imagine the air pressure is gonna be fluctuating wildly, so it’s no wonder i feel like shit

maybe it’s just because i feel like shit already but it feels like a bunch of important breaking points are being reached at once. labor strikes in nursing, academia, and coal, and hopefully the rail and air workers will join them soon. it seems like my prediction that “we’ll get a general strike whether we plan one or not” is coming true, just simply because working conditions are getting so much worse for so many industries that theyre all deciding they wont tolerate it anymore. though also, im sure a general strike is being planned, it just wont be called that, it won’t have spokespeople, and it won’t be under the name of any one organization

sometimes i get frustrated that i need to take time to rest when i feel crappy. i know that if i work through the crappy feeling, it just pushes the crappy feeling to Later and compounds with however crappy i was already gonna feel Later. so i have to deal with my crappy feelings in the present, when they come up, as they come up, or i eventually hit a breaking point and put myself out for weeks or months. it’s just frustrating because i procrastinated to do some things i needed to do with a consistent pace, but now i feel crappy enough to not be able to do much of anything, especially not the things i needed to do earlier

blegh. i guess i’m still practicing at pacing things well for myself. it doesnt help that the whole outside world goes at its own pace that is MUCH faster and more demanding than my internal pace

ive been talking to my peers about how ive been feeling frustrated that i amn’t who or how i want to be yet-- i still have to go thru that process of learning the new and cool shiny life lessons that i will pick up like a funky little crow and stick onto my sense of self, but right now i have that feeling like i just got a very cool new one of them bags that has the pin display on the front, but i only have like two pins and one of them is rusty from how long ive had it and i do not often have money to buy new pins for the display

the new shower feels really nice, at least. i didnt realize how much of a mood improvement it would be to simply have a nicer-looking shower, but there ya have it. also i definitely think that once i’m able to build my own bath/shower room, it will have a lot more color. and some plants. maybe even a lot of plants

i had a bunch of dreams last night about needing to get ready for something suddenly, like having to pack up after an event, or pack up to leave for traveling, or clean up a room with a lot of trash, and it was so stressful each time that dream me was like “fuck this, i am literally dreaming, cya” and woke up. i made sure to tidy up my space a little once i woke up lmao, especially after seeing a post from Unfuck Your Habitat like “are YOU living in a depression den?” and i was like “ugh fine, ok, fuck, you got me, yes im living in a depression den”

also, my partner is leaving for a trip in just a couple of days, and will be gone for a week. im already pre-grieving how much i’m gonna miss him. he always brightens any space he’s in. i wish i had a community that made it so i dont have to rely on him for so much of my in-person social interaction.

ive noticed that ive been staying up later so i can sleep through the time when he’s not here and maximize conscious cuddle time while he’s asleep

damn, that’s kinda sad now that i type it out like that. i wonder if that’s how kaede feels being the only cat here.

damn... sometimes i just need to cry when i feel lonely. it doesnt help solve anything, but it can be soothing to just let those sad chemicals go and take the time to breathe and remember that it’s okay to feel lonely. i miss my sisters. i miss my sibling. i miss parents i didnt get to have. i miss friends. im so tired of deciding not to be friends. im grateful for the people who stick around, but i feel sad that theyre so few and far-between

i guess the loneliness has a lot to do with the impatience for the future. i dont want to feel lonely anymore. i dont want the people i miss to feel lonely. i want my community to be closer together. having the server has been life-saving for some of us (it’s really lived up to its name) but tbh i would really like for all of us to be able to get together in the same place

anyway i’m starting to get distracted so i’m gonna go ahead and wrap this up. might write more later as i feel like it

cya l8r,

Sol