#its just a hassle and im tired but i want my me time

[citrusvein]

every1 in this house go tf to sleep im trying to leave for a bit smh

[the-kipsabian]

.

[feyd-meowtha]

.

[babsaros]

i figured this week was gonna cause a meltdown, i just hoped i’d make it til friday :/

[nimomo-mo]

Vent

[kof-xiii]

experienced not necessarily the horrors but a little bit of the thrillers <- tried on a diva cup for the first time with little tampon or penetrative experience

[cherrycuppacoups]

[ DANCEOLOGY ]

SYNOPSIS; rumours about y/n dating mingyu got dino jealous as they were seen to be together at a parking lot, but little did he know the danceology vid that he shot together with y/n caught fans attention, as fans caught something in the video that y/n and dino didn't realize it might give away that the both of them are in a relationship

GENRE/ WARNINGS; oneshot,mostly fluff, idol!dino x idol!afabreader, there might a slight typos

TAGLIST; @honeyhuii

A/N; sorry ik it been a long time since i posted about the idea, up until now only i have the strength and will to write/type this hehe i hope yall enjoy as this is my first fic >< oh and @honeyhuii hii!! i saw your reply that you wanted to be in the taglist ngehehe sorry i couldn't reply to you cause idk why i can't reply ㅠ ㅠ im still new in this ㅠ ㅠ

DISCLAIMER!!; all in this story is based on my own ideas and if you see someone reposting and translating this fic without my permission do let me know tysm🫶🏻☁️

"GALACTIX Y/N WAS SEEN WITH SEVENTEEN MINGYU IN A PARKING LOT OF "L" DEPARTMENT STORE COULD IT BE THE BOTH OF THEM ARE IN A RELATIONSHIP?"

you read through the article and laugh along with seventeen members and your members as all of you know that the rumour is not true and you are currently dating dino secretly. The day that you and mingyu were seen in the parking lot was when both of you lost from playing games and need to buy some groceries and coffees for the other members as a penalty.

however the speculations of y/n dating mingyu did not die down as y/n's fancam of galactix performing call call call! in Japan is spreading like wild fires on the internet saying that she made a legendary fancam just like mingyu's summer sonic fancam making the fans shipping both them calling them the legendary fancam couple and whats making it more convincing is y/n is taking mingyu's part.

few days after the rumours are still circling around all of you are hanging out in the studio, you noticed that dino was not being his usual self and participating less in the conversations as if he was it deep thoughts.you assumed that he might get bothered because of the rumour as he quite insecure with himself by not being enough lately and he didn't really wanna show that he is lowkey jealous as he might get teased by his hyungs which is a hassle for him and might add to his stress.

so you drag him out if the studio saying you need a coffee break with dino to recharge. after dragging him far enough from the studio, you asked

"chan is there something bothering you?"

"huh? what do you mean? i'm great"

"no. you seem quiet than usual, its the rumour isn't it ?"

"nah i'm just tired from practicing no worries"

"don't lie chan i know its the rumour that is bothering you, why else would you be bothered by some tiredness as i know you nailed your routine during practice and you have endless stamina when it comes to dancing and practicing"

"sighs" "you know me too well bubs, yes it is the rumours i know mingyu hyung wouldn't take you from me but i'm worried you might left me for mingyu hyung cause he is taller than me, has nice and fitter body than me, he's handsome and i'm just me just dino nothing more"

"nu-uh not a word dinosaur you're perfect for me i'm pretty sure you knew that,and what is "just dino" excuse you ? the dino i knew is awesome asf, talented especially dancing he always makes me happy and thats whats important to me okie bubs? oh and one more thing why would i ever leave you for mingyu when i can just date him in the first place right ? i will always love you bubs no matter what people say and rumours out there okie are we clear now ?"

"okay love i love you too"

"now now heads up let's get some coffee and get back to continue our plans for our danceology vid"

After a few days of the uproar the legendary fancam couple Pledis denied the rumours and stating that y/n and mingyu are only great friends nothing more as it was getting out of control.

dino finally can breath easily after Pledis releasing the statement and he is really excited as the danceology video that he has been planning with y/n is finally up agter months of preparing. Both of them decided to publish it after few days of the statement being released to calm the tension down. His first ever content with his bubs ><

[A/N]; pic is not mine as it was taken from a yt vid of LJ Dance video and the song is choice is from dino's dance vid with the backup dancer

You and dino's danceology vids blew up after a few days of release and it is at 5M views as the fans were really excited of your collab because both of you are main dancers for your group. Some fans are happy of the collab and excited for some new collabs since your group have been hanging out alot with SEVENTEEN lately but there some fans that is also unhappy with your interaction as it feels like your group is using SEVENTEEN to get fame and attention. But that didn't stop you from getting excited and happy about first collab content with your boyfriend.

"CHAN CHAN CHAN WE'RE NEARLY AT 6M VIEWS BEIDKWKWOWJS GAH I CAN'T BELIEVE IT"

"calm down bubs and yes we're nearly at 6M views our first content together is a hit!"

Dino was trying calm his nerves as he himself is excited as well but trying to maintain his cool image to you and failed as he runs to hug you tightly🤣 (a/n; channie love you are cute af ㅠㅠ)

2 weeks after the release of the danceology vid the behind the scenes video was release on SEVENTEEN's channel which is Inside Seventeen. Fans love both of your chemistry and interaction as it was natural and not forced and started shipping both of you claiming that both you are cute as a couple and talented dancers.

The idea of both you got shipped together got dino on cloud nine and you have nothing against it as you are equally happy as he is seing that fans shipped you both meaning they technically approved your relationships.

Both of your groups were shocked when the article was released because all of you were pretty sure there is nothing suspicious and odd happens in both of the danceology video and also the inside seventeen video that would giveaway your relationship. But soon the it was leaked that your necklace with a ring as a pendant was seen in the video and the ring was the same as dino's ring that always wear on his middle finger.

Fans started to realized that your photos on twitter and instagram with dino's were almost identical but were posted in different time

Both fandoms are in ecstasy as both of the groups main dancer are dating and what makes it more exciting they have their own dance collab which is basically the danceology video. Fans were so convinced and starting bombarding both of you and dino's instagram comment section of congratulating both of you without even waiting for a statement from both of your agency.

You and Dino were actually in shocked cause both of you didn't even plan to reveal your relationship as both of think it is too early and you want to keep it lowkey. Of course both of you got some earful lecture of being careless but both party are in a win win situation your relationship is being loved by the fans and the agency received lots of offer for both of you to be models and ambassadors of brands.

"i really didn't expect our relationship would be known to the world this way bubs"

"me either HAAHA oh well as long as we're loved and safe from harm that is all i need. oh! does this mean i can post you whenever i want?"

"Of course bubs! i love how we don't have to be a secret anymore!! It's great to be on luck side i love you chan"

"I love you too bubs"

with that you end your day expecting for another hit on your danceology video with Dino but instead you're ending your day with an instagram of Dino sleeping and thanking fans for the wishes.

A/N; thats all for my first dino fic!!! gahhh finallyy i think the storyline is kinda meh and rushed but i hope yall will like it >< please tell me if there is something i can and need to improve! stay tuned for more fics!!

[rosebud2829]

I need to yell again.

If i get one more notification and it isnt from my parents im going to fucking block people. Im getting spam texts from my friends about stuff and im not in a good mood. They only ever wanna text me when i cant talk istfg. I got woken up by one of them because he told me to do something for a dare i wasnt even fucking apart of. I keep getting videos from 2 other ppl and im not even mad at them bc one does this so much idm but im just really tired and really pissy.

I got thrown off schedule because i usually shower around 7-8ish but i had to watch the dog and my mom has the fucking audacity to have an attitude with me when itd be a hassle to have the dog and groceries at the same time. Im doing them a favor and they came back for a bit and i went to use the restroom and she goes "we cant go yet we have to wait for HER to get out." GIVE ME A FUCKING BREAK.

Shes been so rude to me all day, she fucking got snippy with me when i was talking about my day bc i needed to send a picture of a poster to someone and she goes "is it homework?" And i said no abd she was like "yes it is" BUT IT DOESNT CLASSIFY AS HOMEWORK BUT SHE JUST HAD TO FUCKING BE RIGHT BECAUSE OF FUCKING COURSE!!

Im tired,the ashes are making me sick bc theres a fire pretty much about to engulf my city as i type this out,because of the fire the scheduled activities at school didnt happen and wont end up happening which im mad about, and im just getting tired of people again. Not to mention stuff happened monday that i cant even talk about here because people follow me here that know who im talking about and i just cant with it right now.

This whole week has been a shitfest. Im so fucking tired. Yeah theres been good stuff recently, alot of it. But the bad stuff just decides to rear its ugly fucking head and keep going and going and pushing me till i want to fucking drown and just not wake up.

If anyone sees this, which i know like 2 people will,if you ask im just gonna say im fine like usual. My mental shit doesnt involve one of you and the other one its screwing with me a lot. Ill be fine eventually, i always am.

I cant die anyhow, my friends would miss me too much. Atleast thats what i like to tell myself.

[spookyshoosh]

so early december i was really burnt out with doing my own digital art. in the previous months i had tried to reinvigorate my passion for visual art by getting into physical mediums again like pencil/ink drawings and watercolors. while it felt good for a little bit, i felt sadness in seeing how much my skills had regressed over time due to just not practicing/taking long hiatuses from art in general.

so,, i started learning how to crochet and like its just so good. i made a scarf for my dad for christmas and like the whole time i was making it i would get these little bursts of warm fuzziness. out of string, i’m making fabrics which i then sew together to make clothing. then when i gave the scarf to my father, he wore it and enjoyed the colors and how soft and warm it was. the feeling was absolutely invigorating!

i got a set for ergonomic hooks and a yarn bag for christmas by my boyfriend bc he saw how much i liked making the scarf. i indulged myself with the christmas money i got and bought myself some legit merino/angora wool yarn. it was like so fuckingg soft and warm. with it, i made a hat and scarf for myself. its new years now and my bf loves the hat i made for myself so he makes the trip AGAIN with me up to this boutique yarn store an hour and a half away from home so i can get more of the same yarn i made my hat out of but in a different color. i whip out this hat for him within days. he loves it. i make several more projects, two of which being; a cover for my hot water bottle and a little neck/ear warmer for my dog. all of that, however, has mostly just been practicing basic stitches, making and joining rectangles or doing simple single crochet rounds.

today, i pushed through some anxiety about trying something a little more advanced and bought yarn to make a sweater. the past couple days finishing up my last projects, i was looking at the emptiness of my yarn bag. not many scraps to work with as i’d already made little potholders and cozies already, so i began looking for new projects to consider. sweaters seemed like the next step for clothing, so i found a couple patterns. off to joanns i went in the midst of a fucking snow storm to get my sweater yarn. at this point, im confident and excited.

now, this is my first time formally using a actual crochet pattern, so i spent some time today reading the pattern and looking up an index on what all the abbreviations mean, how to size things, and a bunch of other questions that needed clarification. as i read, im actually understanding and learning and when things don’t make sense, i end up realizing what was wrong and fixing my mistake pretty easily and its not a terrible hassle.

idk man its just like,,, what if all these years this is what i was meant to do. i’ve been keeping up with it nearly every day for about a month now and i see no signs in myself of getting tired of it or wanting to quit. i want to keep learning and continue doing more stuff.

tldr; i ditched digital art for crocheting and my brain hasn’t brrrrrr’d this hard in a long time. learning new things that you’re good at is an incredible feeling.

[prettypinktulips]

Sam (stardew valley) x my character

(i made this as a joke cus i got mad that he rejected me at the flower dance) WARNINGS: angst um maybe fluff im not editing this after to say if i added fluff or not, sad stuff and i think thats it ALSO THE NAME OF MY CHARACTER WAS A JOKE TOO CUS I COULDNT THINK OF ANYTHING SO I JUST PUT RANDOM LETTERS TOGERHTER

Bishii felt his eyes widen with glee as he opened the letter. "The Flower Dance." were the only words popping out to him, and he knew exactly who he wanted to ask. Sam. Him and Sam have been talking for a few weeks, Bishii offering him a few gifts every week when he could afford it. Sam seemed appreciative of every gift he was managed to get him, he knew the farmer had trouble getting money since he just got to Pelican Town.

The farmer smiled widely as he stashed the letter in his jeans. No time to worry about the flower dance right now, he had to attend his crops. He sighed and grabbed the watering can, the sun dancing against his already tan skin. Harvey was starting to get worried about him because of all the times the farmer as passed out from overworking himself. He kept trying to warn him and telling him to take breaks when he knew he needed them. But of course Bishii just brushed it. He really needed the money from the crops. To take care of his animals and.. he didn't say it distinctly but, Sam.

After he finished watering his crops, he turned his attention to his cat. He almost forgot to give her water. "Come here, pancake." The ginger chuckled and walked up to her water bowl, he tilted the watering can over and started to pour some of the water in the brown colored bowl. (The cat and him are both ginger, ITS SO CUTE) "I think that's all I have to do for today, huh?" Bishii set the watering can down in the yard and yawned quietly, he looked up at the sky as it blinded him. It was still so early he didn't know what made him this tired. Maybe he just wanted this flower dance to come up already; he headed inside and looked around at his house. To himself he thought it was quite spacious, it has a kitchen, a living room, and a bedroom. What else could he possibly ask for? The kitchen had dark chocolate brown, wooden walls. His room was completely different, he didn't even bother trying to change the leaf wallpaper the house came with. He plopped onto his bed.. suited for two people. He didn't want to talk about that part. He knew exactly why he got the two-person bed.

A few days later after the farmer did was just water his crops, fed his animals, went to bed on repeat. It was finally the day, the day he was longing for has finally came. He walked into the kitchen and turned the water on, he tilted his head underneath the faucet and ran his fingers through his long hair. It really was a hassle to keep up, he was just planning on cutting it sooner or later. He had to keep his hair from getting tangled in his earrings sometimes which really pissed him off. After what seemed like forever, he was finally finished getting ready. His hair was slicked back, he had his cheap cologne on, and what seemed like his best clothes. How could he almost forget the most important thing on his list? The bouquet. He kept the flowers in a vase so they wouldn't dry out. They were truly magnificent. He knew Sam would love them indefinitely.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

THE FLOWER DANCE

Bishii was so fucking nervous. He kept trying to talk himself out of not doing this. The dance was going to start in any minute.. what if someone was to ask Sam before him? I mean, how could they not. He took a deep breath and walked into the forest, he felt his mouth drop open a little as he took in the scenery. "Holy shit.." It was so beautiful, everyone looked beautiful. Then he caught the farmer's eye. There he was. Sam. All he had to do was ask him to dance, that didn't seem so hard. He held the bouquet close to him as he headed towards the group.

"Sam? Could I talk to you?" The farmer swallowed hard. He had already talked to him now there's no running away. "Yeah, what's up?" The blonde looked at him and smiled, he still had that stupid hairstyle of his. The farmer loved it though. "I was.. wondering if you'd like to dance with me?" Bishii watched as the blondes face fell. "I.." Sam looked to the side. He felt his heart drop to his stomach as he gripped the bouquet firmly. God, please, please.. he prayed internally to himself as he felt the tears forming in his eyes. "I dunno, maybe next year? I'm already dancing with Penny.. And plus I barely know you." Bishii felt the flowers fall out of his hands as he clenched his fists. Barely know me..? He choked on his tears and turned around. "It's fine." He lied right through his teeth, everybody was looking at them. Everybody knows that Sam just rejected him. His fingernails were so deep in his skin that they caused it to bleed, tears were rolling down his tan cheeks. He just got humiliated in front of basically the whole town. He had to get out of here but he was trapped, all the exits were cut off with some stupid tape. He was stuck there until the dance ended. But the only thing he could think was how he had to get away from Sam.

Bishii was standing in the dark corner next to some trees, he watched as Sam and Penny danced, he was still sobbing for some reason. Maybe it's because he wished he was in Penny's place.. Yeah, that was probably it.

"Hey kiddo, you alright?" Robin was right there, she had a worried look on her face. "I saw what happened.. I'm sorry that you weren't able to attend the dance." The farmer looked down a little and noticed she had the bouquet in her hands. "The bouquet..?" He mumbled and she just nodded. "Well, I didn't want such beautiful flowers to go to waste.." She handed them to the farmer and he nodded. "I suppose so.."

A few hours later the farmer was back home. In his bed; all he did was stare up at the ceiling, replaying the scenario in his head. Bishii should've known he was going to get rejected. Sam was way out of his league.. and then him compared to Penny? He was nowhere near as beautiful as she was. He tried his best to hold the tears back as he laid on his side, he was meet face to face with pancake. He let out a few chuckles as she licked some of the salty tears off of his cheek. He ignored Sam for a few weeks, every time Sam tried to talk to him, Ignored. Meet him outside his house? Ignored. He just left some flowers at his door when it was Sam's birthday.

[s-starvoid]

well... i mean, most of them are disordered, so... i will share them, and i doubt you'll mind, but you might have to trigger tag them, ha

thinking about a song that's often used in edits of people in love... and how that song is devastatingly sad to me. funny to think how i feel like actual happiness in love isnt achievable. not to mention how dare it be portrayed that its possible, flaunt other peoples happiness at me? and how some simple lyrics can have me question my very existence. why keep living if im so useless that i cant get any of that? ive been close to death at my own hand before, i know i can make it again

im tired, and bored of being nothing to apparently everyone. that might just be the personality disorders, though

isnt it pretty, though? i dont know. to be this broken is exhausting, but i hope its pretty to everyone else. there is no limit to things i would do to be loved and get attention

-🧸

hm “pretty” certainly is one way to see it,, i suppose there is beauty in seeing such a damned creature. i know yuki feels similar to how you describe; at times she relishes in their own ruins, like its fuel to fire.

personally it’s just a hassle for me. i don’t care much for my past or how it’s “effected” me. i am who i am, i’ll do what i want when i want whenever. it doesn’t matter to me how “broken” i am. i’m sure of myself and that’s what matters to me. being “loved” on the other hand is another topic. honestly i don’t think i can “love” per say. love to me means violence, pleasure, and suffering for someone else. and i can get those things without “loving” ya know? ugh my head hurts so ill be going back inside. ‘m probably gonna blow off some steam and beat someone up.

[the-kipsabian]

in an hour and a half ive done all but one thing i had for work

literally my contract saying six and a half hours of work a day is nothing but a made up fraud number to make sure they get someone else to pay them my paychecks like wow

[forestryfae]

so like the goal for today is to clean the kitchen to some degree, do laundry until the racks are relatively full, and ideally clean my bedroom as well, plus i gotta empty the litterboxes

and its not like i cant get it done or anything its just that im thinking about the kitchen and its just so fucking cluttered. theres shit everywhere. ive got machines and hit on the counters and table, ive got two big boxes on the floor full of stuff i wanna get rid of, i cant even reach like half of the shelves in my kitchen and i can only it so much stuff where i CAN reach, and its just so i-wanna-throw-away-everything-core like. i dont wanna have to keep utensils Just In Case i need them, im tired of having to wash plates and keeping them around just for the cats even tho i dont use them myself, its annoying to not ever have a clean tidy kitchen bench and its really easy to forget ive put soemthing on there so i keep filling the dishwasher and thinking im done and i just turn around and theres six more pots i forgot i had sitting on the other side of the room.

i cant even fit my nicer dessert bowls and such in the cabinets cus theyre full of stuff i got as gifts that i REALLY like and wanna keep but also like who needs 8 waterglasses and 8 mugs at the same time. i love all the stuff i have and i dont wanna gt rid of it but every time i go to grab a mug im instantly like "no i dont want that one i want a different one" but its towards every cup and i cant even get rid of more cups cus i like all my cups and i dont even know what i have in the lower cabinets next to where i store the pots. i NEVER use them. if i want something i use often i store it where i can actually reach it and everything else just gets forgotten so you can imagine my surprise at the dicovery that i have four breadmolds and even christmas cookie tins

and its like that with every room in the house, theres stuff in plain sight i dont want to keep, theras stuff i didnt even know i had that i cant decide whethar i want or not specifically cus im so surprised i even have it and because of nostalgia, theres gifted stuff i actually like, then theres gifted stuff i dont even want to keep cus its just utterly useless to me. like the roomba dad "gave" me because he thought itd help keep the house clean. except its a much bigger hassle than its worth and it can only do one room and its a room i dont use so why bother. i als put gave in quotation marks cus hes coming to pick it up some da, no fucking clue when cus he just said "some day", cus he wants it back so grandma can have it. like. yes fair enough shes struggling to keep the house clean but its still annoying that this keeps happening over and over why does my family keep giving me shit then wanting it back. mom gave me their toaster so i wouldnt have to buy one but she went and just took it cus she just needed it while i was in inpatient. like. ive got furniture i got from either her or dad too. a table and chair set, a dresser, some lamps, christmas ornaments and shit, a christmas tree, some bowls mom gave me so id have bwls until i could buy myself bowls, etc. like i dont use any of it and they can gladly have it all back but they do not get to complain when i try to get rid of it and they dont want it either, and i dont want them changing their mind and wanting the stuff i actually like and use back. i wanna keep that one chair dad gave me and thats non-negotiable.

like. i just really wanna start over w the house. sell or give away all the shit i dont want so i can actually manage everything without exhautsing myself and getting rid of stuff i only keep cus i need it regardless of whether i want it or not. starting over completely interior-design-wise so ill have a better idea of what stuff i actually enjoy and what i actually use and what just feels trashy or just takes up space it doesnt need to take.

anyways i cleaned the bathroom today then washed my hair so thats nice

[sugarrslifeblog]

Sept 23th 2024

i had gotten sick by day 21, my mom hit me and a bunch of stuff happened.. im tired so im not so up to detail things,

other than that i went to my psychologist and i do not have ADHD, i also was told i needed to eat more, around 40 kg or more, what i eat is very little. i weight 38 to 39 kg. i am 15. i'm underweight

she gave me some good advice, though i should ask my therapist what to do for a living, i have no idea.. well i do but its risky.

maybe if im better tomorrow i'll bake some cookies w grandma, i wanted to learn to bake anyway in chance maybe one day i can make a dessert cafe with cats. i wish. but it seems impossible so.

i hate this stupid cough holy shit, fuck being sick. i felt like i was dying, i wanted to just die in bed but i refused to.

atleast it was not as worse as the other times, i only puked 3 times. i've puked way more than that, and period just had to come... great.

i misunderstood everything. but the teacher was being a bitch too.

i fell asleep in the uber driver, i haven't slept in a car ever since i was a child, a long long time ago

exhausted, dont think i still want to go to school yet. i recover in 3 or 4 days. it's too early.

i already have group projects to do, im doing them all individually. people are a hassle. and i really dont want to deal with them. others kept telling me that they are worried and concerned for me but.

i feel its just all a lie. but im glad they dont judge me anymore atleast.

you can count on me that i am DEFINETLY not doing homework. ...well only a few but never math. math is bullshit and i'll never get a hang of it. it's crap.

i managed to talk with my psychologist more than i normally write. their glad i'm doing better but. they told me they didnt want to see any further cuts on my arm the next time i get there.

..i cant promise that. i break promises but, ill try my best.

~20:21

[c4ndystarz]

(small rant feel free to ignore it)

WHYYYY DO MY ROOMMATES LOVE BEING OUT IN THE COMMON AREA SO MUCH THEYRE SO LOUD AND GRGRGRGRGRRRRR i cant LEAVE MY ROOM while theyre out there because they judge me every single fucking time and im so TIRED of it and i dont want to deal with them or their bullshit and i just wanna go make dinner real quick but nnooooo they have to pre-game because its friday night and they dont go to enough of the most boring lameass parties ever. that being said college parties are just Not worth the hassle theyre boring and uncomfortable and just. not very fun. ANYWAYS CAN THEY PLEASEEE JUST LEAVE SO I CAN MAKE MY FOOD ALREADY GRRGRGRGRGRGRRRRRR

[vtori73]

Hmmm... I'm... I'm really bad at talking with people. Like I can do casual, but that's... really it. I don't know how to talk to people otherwise, I want to make friends with others but it just doesn't work out.m because I just can't. I mean, I guess it also just kind of seems like the people who I want to or would like to be friends with don't want to ever really be my friends and random people who do want to be friends aren't people I want to stay friends with after getting to know them. I mean, that is not necessarily true though, it was more so the fact that I just felt like they kind of got tired of me or more correctly I got insecure and felt like they didn't really care for as much anymore or I wasn't much of a factor in their lives and me noping out wouldn't matter especially since we didn't really know each other for that long.

I know, I'm still in the wrong, I gh0sted them basically and I'm not trying to defend it but I just find it hard to think it was that big of a deal. I get it for people you've known for years but someone you've barely just started knowing shouldn't be like a big deal, while you can still believe it sucks (& it does) I don't think people you barely know have to explain themselves to you and such especially if there isn't really much to explain. Literally I just didn't see these relationships going anywhere so I'm not saying it was okay but it also wasn't the worst most evil thing in the world because again, I didn't know these people that much and they were the ones who came to me first so I gave them a chance and let them in, honestly some would say it would have been ruder of me if I had just been honest about not wanting to be friends anymore.

But this is also a pattern with me I've noticed but moreso out of genuine low-confidence and anxiety I have for interacting with others. I try to make sure I word everything right and reread what I wrote to make sure I don't accidently write something that could be interpreted wrong, I avoid using emojis because they can specific meanings that I just not aware of because I just take them at face value or if I do use them I try to use the most common/neutral/known ones in person I just try not to talk or say too much in fear of saying something stupid or weird and i dont want to weird people out and when I do talk and actually talk about something a bit more important or anxiety inducing I tend to shake (tremor) or use to I'm not sure if that still happens since im more able to share opinions more often now but its probably still there just situational. If I leave a comment and I don't get a reaction soon enough I start to freak out that I said or did something wrong so I end up deleting it to get rid of the trail, to make up for it or hide it before it can be seen in case I did write out something weird.

I know how I never really had a normal relationship, friendships included because when I had the most friends in my life, which was highschool, I was a big people pleaser and went out of my way to try and be liked and to keep the friends I had. Nothing really horrible but one example I can actually remember is that despite the fact that we went quite a few times to the movies together I was never actually... asked for my opinion on what movie to watch it was always decided, and I never thought much of it till later after these friendships started dissolving. I was also the one that put in the most effort but barely got any back, again nothing horrible but not great either. I noticed how once I did start trying to voice my actual opinions and such I got less and less interactions from others because something I probably always knew deep down that was confined for me was that I wasn't mostly tolerated because I was easy to be around and deal with and once I wasn't I wasn't really worth the hassle anymore.

Maybe I'm misremembering though, maybe I'm being rough on those old friends but that's what it seemed like to me. It's probably also why I do find myself noping out of these new relationships, because i worry or notice they are drifting away and I don't want to give them the chance to gh0st me so I leave instead. Some of them though I don't regret after finding out about specific opinions they hold. I find myself sort of glad though that I did, glad I left instead of put up with people with opinions I can't stand personally just for the sake of not being alone.