#its just the alienation of not being able to imagine urself as a person if u dont have these issues

[sideblogformentalhealtshit]

I'm ngl it's kinda alienating to see other ppl w bfrbs (especially dermatophagia) always speak about it so negatively.

Like. I get it. It sucks. It's caused huge problems in my life, i'm not denying the harm and distress it can and has brought.

But i unironically love it too. I love the texture and the taste of my skin. I love tearing off my nails with my teeth. I play around and stim with them.

I've tried all sorts of things with my skin. I like when i bite off super big chunks off my toes and let them dry out bc they're really fun to eat after that.

Tring to smooth out my nails after biting a big chunk off is like a fun game. Exploring my fingers to find places the skin has grown back enough to be bitten off again is entertaining.

Idk. I just. I used to feel like a freak for biting myself, and then i found out i have BFRBs, but now i feel like a freak for not wanting to 'recover'.

[sunlessea]

interacting with the ma.sters is genuinely such a terrifying thing for most of london that i rly can't stress enough the level of insane the human public thinks someone is whenever they get into their good graces or, THROUGH SOME FREAKISH HAPPENSTANCE, happen to end up in romantic or even just friendly correspondence with them. shipping with a ma.ster / cu.rator is so wildly dangerous to one's reputation in the city bc first of all no one is actually going to believe a master has taken on a normal londoner as a lover [no matter how powerful or popular that londoner may be] and second of all no one is going to believe they'd SURVIVE being with a master until that master itself + time proves the public otherwise.

keeping in mind the ma.sters are like. i cannot stress this enough, giant space bats who are actually larger than planets and could actually just insta-kill ... like ... anyone. even london's gods don't rly stand any REAL chance up against them, the only beings that are of any concern to them are the jud.gements as the creators of the universe and even THEN, v.eils and s.tones [for example] still want to KILL THEM / surpass the judg.ements so like >??

my rambling point is the masters are absolutely the most terrifying denizens of the neath and there's a reason they're basically puppeteering london uncontested while treating humans [+ kindred-from-kine] like slaves. they don't have empathy for the human race, they don't UNDERSTAND the human race, they also just like do not care 💀 so when someone DOES make them care enough to befriend them or, god help u, LOVE them it's such a wildly huge deal it's like actually heaven-shattering to have one of the m.asters of the baz.aar at your beck and call as friend or lover bc it more or less raises you above the entirety of not just the city but also tbh the entirety of human and kindred kind.

london will burn one day when paris falls on top of it and kills everyone, and another city after that, and then [if ve.ils has its way] the heavens after that, so in the end imagine being like idk just some guy and u survive the dystopian apocalypse bc some random space bat decided u were like pretty or some shit 😭

they are aliens tho it rly does take a very special kind of person to be able to put up w the m.asters bc they just straight up do not hold themselves to the same standards as humans / normal kindred do.

anw i think a lot abt the fact u can canonically pursue some of the masters romantically and even marry them [p.ages, w.ines] i just think marrying a giant space bat who could crush ur planet between their thighs is a hot way to make urself a social pariah u know

[cruelsister-moved2]

I love your blog soooo much!!! everything you say is just soo true. The thing about focusing on what we enjoy is so liberating. I focused way to much in trying to understand my undesirability to men, when I can just forget about men and not give them my imaginary time and just enjoy my attraction to women <3<3

aw thats sweet im glad that sentiment is helping u to find comfort and enjoyment!!<33 its so sad to me how many ppl think ur identity designates what u enjoy rather than vice versa...

as a lesbian talking abt it always feels like ur opening urself up to that judgement so i always immediately want to be like 'but i am personally really disgusted by men and the idea of having anything romantically or sexually to do with one is hideous to me!!!' but i always stop myself bc its like well... it wouldnt actually matter how i feel towards men though, because my autonomy is absolute on its own and if i know that i WANT to be involved with women and not with men then like.. the conversation can end there! in the mainstream imagination i feel like so many gay men's stories start w the realisation of their attraction to men, but lesbians' with the realisation of their non-attraction to men. my moment of absolute clarity was the first time a girl asked me out & i had the rapid realisation that like, oh i would ENJOY that, i WANT that, when i had been saying yes to guys who asked before just bc i was like idk...ig i dont have a reason to not. it sounds funny but like until that point i had literally never thought about what i might want, only like.. if id be able to stomach a serious relationship with a guy. so even though i kind of felt by then that the answer might be no, it hadnt really brought me any answers & it wouldnt have mattered if i had decided i could, because it was immediately obvious at that point that a heterosexual relationship with a man wasnt something i wanted for me in my life when i could have a gay relationship w a woman. i felt sooo free in that moment, not bc my feelings abt men had been conclusively revealed to me but actually bc i realised i didnt even gaf.

its kind of a double bind for us between the fact that heterosexual people need to be reassured that gay people are ontologically so in order to respect us (and not feel threatened by us😳), and the various layers of misogyny incl the expectation that we are passive participants in the equation of desire, which alienates us frm our desires & the very experience of desire itself, and also fosters the assumption that any ability to experience male desire will supersede anything else if at all possible so therefore it has to be completely ruled out to be allowed to ignore it. we need to prove that we are not CAPABLE of having a relationship with a man in order not to want one, whether right now or ever. so the fact i personally do feel genuinely unable to experience that without like genuinely wanting to kill myself feels like its basically irrelevant to anyone but me, and only self-determination matters to anyone else. i feel like im more interested in defending the right of other women to want&seek&enjoy sexual&romantic relationships with other women, regardless of why, rather than proving that i personally have done all my homework and can prove that i wouldnt be happy with a man. like wtf, women are hot and dating a woman is the most beautiful experience of my life, who wouldnt want to seek that out !! its irrelevant what the alternatives are bc none of them are preferable. the continued survival of this rhetoric in lgbt spaces only really reinforces that being gay is a bad thing to be and gay relationships are worse than heterosexual ones and no one would ever want that unless they had no other choice and i just soo strongly do not feel that!!