#ive already asked my parents not to sing happy birthday to me when they bring out the cake

[greenmenace]

Sorry for not being around, I've just been a little busy with birthday shenanigans, I'll be 21 next Sunday!

[infinitelytheheartexpands]

My laptop is currently updating, so while I have that working in the background, I wanted to share a series of six short, mostly-opera-inspired autobiographical narratives/prose poems I wrote last April and May:

I would kill to have some wine right now.

There is a bottle of red wine sitting on the kitchen counter. My father bought it when he went to the store the other day─ don’t ask me what day it was, I don’t remember, the days already blend together as is─ and I have considered pouring even just a little bit into a glass and downing it.

And then proceeding to throw the glass against the wall and shatter it.

I’ve been contemplating doing that a lot lately.

True, I would kill to have some wine, but if I did go ahead and pour even just a little bit into a glass, and down it, and possibly then proceed to throw the glass against the wall and shatter it, I would most likely be killed before I had the chance to kill.

Kill or be killed. We are all trying our very best to do neither these days, but it happens anyway.

I am sixteen years old. As I start writing this, I am nine days away from turning seventeen. For me, alcohol consumption is thus not only not approved by the Parents, but also illegal. But then again, so is voting blue in the 2020 US Presidential election. That is also something neither approved by the Parents nor legal for me. But I digress.

Thirty-one, twenty-nine, thirty-one again, sixteen now, that makes sixty, ninety-one, one hundred and seven days since I watched one of my classmates get drunk at a New Year’s Eve party. She downed a whole bottle of peach wine (I didn’t even know that was a thing) and looked at me with her red eyes and silver-sequined halter top and curly dark brown hair in a high ponytail. You’re more beautiful than Jesus she told me and you’ll go to the moon on a rocketship. I laughed.

I laugh when something’s so unexpected I can’t do anything else. I laughed when I first heard Notre Dame Cathedral had caught fire because it seemed so ludicrous that I couldn’t do anything else. Notre Dame on fire? You can’t be serious, it can’t be serious.

It was serious.

I’m not sure if she was.

A little part of me wishes she were.

When I was in sixth grade, I told the same girl I thought her hair was luscious. Sixth-grade me didn’t know the word had a sexual connotation; the girl did and was offended.

Maybe a little part of me did know, somehow.

***

As I write this next part, I am working on a paper about state-sponsored censorship. I have picked this topic because it is a fascinating topic, it fits the requirements for the paper─ write about a major global problem─, and because I feel censored myself.

Expressing anything that conflicts with the Parents’ thoughts and opinions is strictly forbidden. If you are different, you are ostracized. I am different, so I am ostracized.

I am too proud, too strong to succumb. But it still hurts.

As I write this, I am listening to Act IV of Rossini’s Guillaume Tell, an opera about liberation, appropriate for both me and my paper. At this moment, Hedwige is calling on God, ‘the hope of the hopeless’, to save her husband and break the yoke of oppression that binds Switzerland.

It’s very nice, and the sentiment is good and true, and it works for her and Mathilde and Jemmy and the Swiss women, but it does not work for me. I lost my faith a long time ago. Ironically, it is French grand opéra, the genre to which Guillaume Tell belongs, that is partially responsible for my loss of faith.

It was impossible for me to watch Verdi’s Don Carlos for the first time in eighth grade and Meyerbeer’s Les Huguenots in tenth and not be horrified by the things people do in the name of religion, to kill people senselessly just because they believe slightly differently than them─ even their own daughters (as is the finale of Les Huguenots).

How can a good God allow such things?

Do I realize these works are fictional? Yes. But do I know they are based on history, on real events? Yes.

“These things are meant to happen; they are all in God’s plan.” Well, can God just not find another way to make what’s meant to happen happen? I cannot believe in a God that allows these things to happen. To say that an all-powerful, all-knowing, all-good God who can allow such things exists is a lie.

***

Now that Guillaume Tell is over, I am listening to another grand opéra, Les vepres siciliennes, albeit in its Italian version, I vespri siciliani. Another opera about occupation and liberation, but a liberation that comes at a horrible cost: the entire French ruling class is massacred by the Sicilians at the end of the opera.

If I didn’t care, I would stage my own personal ‘massacre’: I would turn my back, walk out the front door with the possessions I most needed to survive on my own, and never come back.

But I do care. They may not care, but I do.

One of my greatest curses is that I care about what I care about too much. My heart is too deep to not care.

There are some battles that are not worth being fought.

If a massacre is your only recourse to accomplish something, perhaps you should not do that thing. Or, at least try to find another way.

Right now, I am at the beginning of Act III, at Monforte’s aria “In braccio alle dovizie”. In the original French, it’s called “Au sein de la puissance”. At the breast of power.

Monforte is the hated French governor of Sicily, the revolutionaries’ primary target. When he sings this, he has just learned that one of the main revolutionaries, Arrigo, is his long-lost illegitimate son.

By rape.

‘The breast of power’ indeed.

Just like with a massacre, if rape is your only recourse to accomplish something, perhaps you should not do that thing either.

Just a thought.

I’m a woman. What do I know, in the eyes of many out there?

One of my friends said that Verdi gave Monforte his just deserts, but also overly beautiful music. “He couldn’t help it, though, not when his Dad Music Instincts were activated.”

I feel guilty listening to the aria, even though it is truly a beautiful piece and the recording I’m listening to─ a 1989 recording from the Teatro alla Scala, with Giorgio Zancanaro as Monforte─ is absolutely gorgeous.

Can we separate the music from the character, the art from the artist? I do not know. Everyone has something utterly heinous to someone else. Once we stop separating the art from the artist, where do we begin again? And yet, I do not want to support people who do horrible things to others.

Perhaps it is all relative.

Perhaps everything is.

Perhaps nothing is absolute at all.

That frightens me.

***

Today is Rome’s 2,773rd birthday. As a six-year Latin student and future classics and history double-major, this is cause for celebration.

If things were normal and I were at school, my Latin teacher would bring birthday cake for all the Latin students, and we’d eat it and sing “Felix dies natalis, Roma”. Happy Birthday, Rome.

But things are not normal, and I’m at home multitasking between this and a presentation script for that paper, and still listening to I vespri siciliani.

Now I’m at the end of Act IV. Everyone is celebrating the impending marriage of Arrigo to Duchess Elena, one of the Sicilian revolutionary leaders. Sicilian and French, united at last. Everything is set to work out.

But there’s still Giovanni da Procida, the other major revolutionary leader, who is hellbent on revenge. He sees this wedding as the perfect opportunity to strike down the French once and for all.

And thus, the massacre.

Everything can be set to work out, but there is always something that comes up. A massacre, a pandemic, a set of internal troubles that bring a proud empire to its ruin.

Now I’m in Act V, at Elena’s bolero ‘Merce, dilette amiche’. She has no idea about Procida’s plans; she’s just excited to marry Arrigo and bring peace to her beloved Sicily at last. I think I’m going to change operas again after this is over; the act is rather uneven (though I still very much like it) and I would prefer not to listen to everything falling apart today.

I debate listening to Berlioz’s Les Troyens, the closest thing to an opera about the founding of Rome and a masterpiece itself. But there is still too much about collateral damage for my tastes today: one kingdom falls and another loses its benevolent queen, all in the name of a supposedly greater destiny. And that’s just based on the first third of the Aeneid. I wrote an essay about that first third once for English class, using that thesis; my English teacher said it was one of the best essays he’d ever read. But I digress.

After a quick refresher on the synopsis, I decide to change styles and go with a story from the heyday of the Roman Empire: Handel’s Agrippina. Lots of plotting, but everyone gets what they want in the end and it ends happily for all. No collateral damage here. I am weary of that.

Sometimes I feel like collateral damage.

It’s tough to remember that you’re the master of your own story, not just a side character or a scapegoat in so many others’.

Everyone in this opera knows they’re the masters. That’s the problem. But it ultimately works out.

I want nothing more than for it to work out for me. It hasn’t yet.

But I have a feeling it will.

***

I got maybe halfway through the first act of Agrippina yesterday. I love Baroque opera, but I guess only in small doses.

No matter.

Today I’m listening to the beginning of Act II of Verdi’s Don Carlo. This is the fourth time in a row I’ve listened to it.

I read John Green’s Turtles All The Way Down recently. The main character frequently finds herself stuck in ‘thought spirals’, where she keeps thinking more and more about the same thing. I have those too, although I tend to picture my mind more as a bullet train: it always moves hundreds of miles an hour, faster than I can control, from one thought to the next. I constantly find myself retracing the figurative map of my mind to figure out what I was thinking about, what I need to remember but simply cannot. And it’s like my mind keeps returning to the same stations a lot; these are my equivalent to the spirals.

This opera, this moment, is one of my frequent stations.

Make that five times in a row now. This will be the last, I promise myself.

In this scene, a group of monks chant, praying for the rest of the dead Emperor Charles V, whom, I note with a smile, was himself a character in one of Verdi’s earliest operas, Ernani. In that opera, he sings an aria where he confronts his destiny as the next Holy Roman Emperor. My legacy will live throughout the ages, he sings.

Including in two different Verdi operas.

But there I go again on another bullet-train route.

The monks are singing now, their stark minor-major shifts making me feel as if I am there, in the cloister of San Yuste or in any of the great cathedrals of Spain, looking up into the vaults of the ceiling, of heaven itself, seemingly. The only lights come from candles in my mental picture, and I gaze up, my head uncovered, my mind only partially spellbound, more by the visual beauty and the history than by any religious feeling.

I am a heathen.

I have only been inside a Catholic church once, when I was fourteen; it was an impromptu side trip during a school-sponsored tour of colleges in St. Louis. One of the chaperones said the Cathedral Basilica had can’t-miss art, and thus managed to get a large section of the attendees to come with her.

She was right. It was one of the most beautiful places I’d ever seen. And that was all I thought.

Okay, that’s a lie. I did wonder what it would be like to be able to have faith again, to be able to kneel in one of the pews, and pray, and believe, as my ancestors have done before me; after all, if religion were something you inherited in your blood, then I would be half-Catholic.

But I cannot kneel and pray and believe.

In this scene, one of the monks claims that Charles V fell because he was too proud, because he believed that he was greater than God. If a god exists, I do not claim to be greater than them. I am not perfect, not by a long shot.

He did not die because he did not believe in God. He died because everyone dies, even those who are supposedly the greatest of us.

God alone is great, the monk proclaims. I do not, cannot believe that. We are all great to begin with, but some of us are led to believe we are not.

We are the masters. I must remember that.

And I realize that I have let it play a sixth time.

Sometimes I am not the master of my own mind.

***

The sixth time was the last.

Now I am at the end of the act, listening to the showdown between Filippo II, King of Spain, and Rodrigo, Marquis di Posa. Filippo is the guardian of the way things are; Verdi called Rodrigo an anachronism, and indeed, he was the only principal character who never existed.

Rodrigo, he said, was at least two centuries ahead of his time.

I don’t know what exactly Verdi’s feelings were about this, but personally, I do not think this is a bad thing. Progressivism is often progressivism in any age.

At any rate, Rodrigo, who has recently returned from Spanish-held Flanders, has taken his chance─ a rare private meeting with the King, who is confused as to why Rodrigo has never approached him for favors like all the other courtiers─ to confront him about the horrific conditions of Flanders and its people. Give them liberty, he pleads.

No. I have given them the same peace I have given Spain.

A horrible peace!, Rodrigo fires back. The peace of the tomb!

We should not have to suffer until death.

Let history not say of you, “He was a Nero.” A murderer of innocents, a torturer of the defenseless, an occupier, a denier of liberty─ perhaps the greatest torture of all.

I once watched a video in which a director said, “To live in an occupied country is to live only half a life.” I would say that to live in an occupied country, or even any place where you cannot be free, cannot live fully as yourself, is not even that. It is to barely live at all. It is to merely have a beating heart and breath.

To live in spite of this, to simply be as you wish, is the ultimate act of defiance.

[anti-pasto]

for the 200 ask thingy, i actually dare you to do all of them. :D

delgaskarthalexhere we go, anon: 

200: My crush’s name is: I don’t have one right now, I don’t get them often (if I ever had a crush at all)

199: I was born in: 2003

198: I am really: A 2005 emo kid x a 2008 scene kid x a 2014 tumblr fangirl x Kyle himself

 197: My cellphone company is: Apple

194: My ring size is: Honestly? No idea. Propose to me with a sword.

 193: My height is: Somewhere between 5′7″ and 5′8″

192: I am allergic to: Nothing I’m aware of 

191: My 1st car was:  94 Station Wagon, by request

190: My 1st job was: being this funny is a full-time gig

 189: Last book you read: Bone Gap by Laura Ruby

188: My bed is: “made”

187: My pet: I have a cat, I love her very much and I will show her to you if you dm me a cursed image

186: My best friend: We don’t use “best friend” for personal reasons, but they’ve been with me since I was 5 so, my one and only Bro

185: My favorite shampoo is: anything with “silky smooth” or “strawberries” on the bottle. i’m not that picky anymore.

184: Xbox or ps3: xbox or ps4  xbox

183: Piggy banks are: really useful

 182: In my pockets: wallet, keys, phone, earbuds, black pen/pencil, earplugs, mini flashlight

 181: On my calendar:  i’m meeting a friend for smoothies tomorrow

 180: Marriage is: something we shouldn’t push so much onto people. it’s a declaration of love, not an end-all fix-all to your life. i can’t ever see myself getting married but who knows!

 179: Spongebob can: continue to be a relevant meme

178: My mom: i mean. we function. i can’t really complain about my family at large but i am defiantly looking forward to living literally as far away from them as i can. 

 177: The last three songs I bought were? psh, you think i pay for music? (folie a deux, lake effect kid, believers never die volume two) (those are albums but its okay)

176: Last YouTube video watched: I watched Markiplier play Uno

175: How many cousins do you have? 11? 12? I lost count

174: Do you have any siblings? I have a brother

 173: Are your parents divorced? Nope!

172: Are you taller than your mom? Yes, I have been for a while

171: Do you play an instrument? dude HECK yeah! i vibe on piano, guitar, ukulele, clarinet, and im a drum major

170: What did you do yesterday? I went on a drive by myself.

 [ I Believe In ] 

169: Love at first sight: Nope.

168: Luck: Yes, but luck is something that can be engineered

167: Fate: To an extent

 166: Yourself: I’d say overall, yeah. I still have doubts tho

165: Aliens: Mmmmmm yeah

 164: Heaven: Yes

163: Hell: Yes

162: God: Yeup

 161: Horoscopes: without an ounce of truth, they would have died a long time ago

160: Soul mates: the greeks had seven words for love. i think we have multiple soul mates to fit each of those categories. there are definitely people we’re just meant to vibe with

159: Ghosts: i want to say yes but i really dont know

158: Gay Marriage: yes. its 2020. grow up.

157: War: in theory? no. war is kinda messed up. in reality? not everyone is going to be down to nice diplomatic conflict resolution, and not everyone is just gonna leave people *countries* they don’t like alone, so...

156: Orbs: ??? energies are real

155: Magic: vibes are real

 [ This or That ]

 154: Hugs or Kisses: hugs

153: Drunk or High: i am a child of jesus

152: Phone or Online: online

 151: Red heads or Black haired:  irdc but black hair bc i am Emo

150: Blondes or Brunettes: blonde?? ig?? easier to dye

149: Hot or cold: hot weather + cold rooms

148: Summer or winter: summer

147: Autumn or Spring: autum (screw spring)

 146: Chocolate or vanilla: vanilla

145: Night or Day: night

 144: Oranges or Apples: oranges (better to share with homies)

 143: Curly or Straight hair: i dont care but curly

 142: McDonalds or Burger King: mcdonald give iced coffee

141: White Chocolate or Milk Chocolate: dark chocolate

 140: Mac or PC: pc for vidgya gaemes

139: Flip flops or high heals: ...converse. please. i cant walk properly in either of those

 138: Ugly and rich OR sweet and poor: sweet and poor 

 137: Coke or Pepsi: pepsi

136: Hillary or Obama: this is kinda outdated but obama

135: Burried or cremated: cremated i aint watch spn for nothin

134: Singing or Dancing: singing. at least that gets better with practice

133: Coach or Chanel: chanel (thank u mr frank ocean and also the neighborhood)

 132: Kat McPhee or Taylor Hicks: whomst

 131: Small town or Big city: big city and if you say small town you’ve never lived in a small town

 130: Wal-Mart or Target: target

 129: Ben Stiller or Adam Sandler: who tf is this

 128: Manicure or Pedicure: idk dude probably pedicure i don’t like people touching my hands and i use them for too much to get my nails done

127: East Coast or West Coast: hnngggggggg west coast has more to do but east coast has better beaches and 

126: Your Birthday or Christmas: birthday 

125: Chocolate or Flowers: chocolate bc then i can give u some

124: Disney or Six Flags: ive only been to disney so disney (though i AM a HARDCORE rollercoaster stan so it wouldnt take much for me to say six flags)

123: Yankees or Red Sox: what 

 [ Here’s What I Think About ]

 122: War: unfortunately sometimes necessary but not as a first resort i went over this already 

 121: George Bush: is that the shoe guy?

 120: Gay Marriage:  be gay. do crime. kiss wife. or husband. or partner. basically, hell yeah

119: The presidential election: america need 2 b single and focus on herself

 118: Abortion: pro-choice and that choice should be made by the one carrying the baby

117: MySpace: tumblr’s dad

116: Reality TV: don’t talk to about abt this

 115: Parents: disgusting. go to therapy. 

114: Back stabbers: if you’re gonna stab me in the back, pull my lungs through my ribcage bc that’s what my ancestor’s ghosts are gonna do to you (thanks great (x a few times) grandma viking ily thanks for the hair:) )

113: Ebay: good for merch and selling books

 112: Facebook: zuck my dick, data-theif

111: Work: i like doing work? like- i enjoy completing tasks and seeing my hard work pay off? it’s not that bad?

110: My Neighbors: old. boring. want me to babysit for free.

109: Gas Prices: i cant really complain rn they’re kinda low and im a little broke so

108: Designer Clothes: i vibe to them, honestly

 107: College: not for everyone but definitely for me

106: Sports: marching band is a sport marching band is a sport marching band is a sport marching band is a sport marching band is a sport but only technically speaking though you can make fair comparisons to sports such as cheer, and gymnastics where the idea is to put on a show and receive a score in the form of competition. 

 105: My family: disgusting

104: The future: the future doesn’t exist

 [ Last time I ] 

103: Hugged someone: god, don’t ask me this

 102: Last time you ate: uhhh like 9 hours ago? it was dinner and i had pizza

 101: Saw someone I haven’t seen in awhile: three or four weeks ago by best bro came to visit and we vibed

100: Cried in front of someone: i finished twist and shout at school at the end of a very bad week. it was only a few tears but that’s as close as i get to crying

99: Went to a movie theater: whenever the last star wars movie came out

98: Took a vacation: last year i went to dc over summer break to see the Smithsonian, it was a lot of fun. i was supposed to go to altanta and florida this year but that didn’t happen for reasons

 97: Swam in a pool: last week

 96: Changed a diaper: never

 95: Got my nails done: never

 94: Went to a wedding: its been at least 6 years dude

93: Broke a bone: never, somehow

 92: Got a peircing: nope

91: Broke the law: technically, yesterday. 55 is too slow

90: Texted: just now

 [ MISC ] 

89: Who makes you laugh the most: the person in my snap named “junior”

88: Something I will really miss when I leave home is: my cat

87: The last movie I saw: probably into the spiderverse

86: The thing that I’m looking forward to the most: things going back to normal. or somewhat normal. i need school to have a schedule bc i absolutely cannot force myself to function without outside influence

 85: The thing im not looking forward to: ironically, school in the fall. the way we’re going back is going to wreck me more than lockdown already has

 84: People call me: i only ft one of my bros and they know who tf they are if you ask to ft you’re getting fuckin blocked mate i dont do that shit video calls are for WORK and SCHOOL thats IT. but ppl call me by my nickname irl, i go by screech on here. 

83: The most difficult thing to do is: listen to my parent’s political opinions? live in a small town? force myself to be productive without a physical influence and reminder? put up with that one dude?

82: I have gotten a speeding ticket: nope

 81: My zodiac sign is: scoprio/leo/gemini

80: The first person i talked to today was: the potential bassist for our potential band? 

79: First time you had a crush: uhh im still not sure if it was a crush but i wanted them to myself and they wanted (and got) someone better. we were just friends so it doesn’t really matter

 78: The one person who i can’t hide things from: the person on snap named “the great oracle”

77: Last time someone said something you were thinking: yesterday, it was my brother

 76: Right now I am talking to: in order of snap names, “vibin ~[^.^]~”, “russian umbrella”, and “mom” (not really)

75: What are you going to do when you grow up: hopefully, a job that makes me happy

74: I have/will get a job: as soon as i know what’s going on with school. but like as an adult? wherever will hire me and pay my fairly. being a barista would be fun, but at a local place (not in my current town)

73: Tomorrow: ???? time for bad poetry: tomorrow i will see my friend/ admist this lasting chaos/ we will be each other’s solitude/ while sharing fruity drinks/ and when we both come home/ a smile we will bring

72: Today: idk what this means so more poetry: today i will be sleep deprived as always/ i will think of them and weep/ but no tears will fall from my eyes/ for i know there is a reason/ we went our own way

 71: Next Summer: i fr dont know whats goin on so: next summer i will be/ as happy as can be/ because i will be in pain no longer/ the earth is sure to heal/ and i will heal with her/ so i can enjoy/ the heatwave of next summer

70: Next Weekend: next weekend i will spend/ my days wasting away/ maybe ill finish hannibal/ again/ not that serial killers make the dopamine stay/ i will not see my friends/ or talk to my family/ i will seldom eat/ and live off coffee/ this has been my life/ all quarintine/ god someone please help me

 69: I have these pets: i have four cats, three chickens, and a dog

 68: The worst sound in the world: my dad and grandpa talking

 67: The person that makes me cry the most is: Them

 66: People that make you happy: snap name time: the great oracle, junior, vibin ~[^.^]~, russian umbrella, mom, hero, booby-king 48, go to bed, son, pooper trooper, mac&cheese, plain egg biscuit, apple pie

 65: Last time I cried: i dont cry bitch (last week over officals that cant make up they gottdamned mindes)

64: My friends are: my family and i would die for each and all of them

 63: My computer is: an old hp but it play gaemes real good so it okie

 62: My School: is trash but the band pops off

61: My Car: old, fast, clean

60: I lose all respect for people who: are my dad

 59: The movie I cried at was: i cried over big hero six

 58: Your hair color is: blonde

57: TV shows you watch: supernatural, good omens, hannibal, parks and rec

56: Favorite web site: this hellsite or youtube

 55: Your dream vacation: out of the country with beautiful beaches, amazing food, and my best friend

54: The worst pain I was ever in was: the time i split the back of my head open, the time i split my chin open, and the time my then best friend said they didn’t want to talk to me anymore. i’ll let you guess which one hurt the most and which one i think about every fucking day

53: How do you like your steak cooked: medium or medium well. 

52: My room is: clean and a reflection of myself, or so i’ve been told

51: My favorite celebrity is: i do not engage in celebrity worship. ill follow them and reblog gifs/interviews but i dont really have a favorite. the less i know abt them the better.

 50: Where would you like to be: my own apartment in nyc

49: Do you want children: FUCK THEM KIDS BRO

 48: Ever been in love: i dont know if it was love. i dont know if it was a crush. what i do know id that i was attached and they didn’t feel the same, and why would they?

 47: Who’s your best friend: we dont really use best friend bc but “the great oracle” “junior” and “vibin ~[^.^]~”

46: More guy friends or girl friends: its 50/50

45: One thing that makes you feel great is: goin fast, the beach, playin video games

44: One person that you wish you could see right now: them

43: Do you have a 5 year plan: go to college, earn degree

 42: Have you made a list of things to do before you die: commit arson

 41: Have you pre-named your children: FUCK. THEM. KIDS. BRO.

40: Last person I got mad at: they do not understand that they do not know everything about something they’re not even involved in yet

39: I would like to move to: new zealand

38: I wish I was a professional: artist? musican? youtuber? who knows

 [ My Favorites ] 

37: Candy: nerds

36: Vehicle: 1970 mustang gt

 35: President: jfk only bc his assassination is the only good thing abt american history the rest of it is fucked up and shouldn’t have happened. also jfk’s song in assassians the musical goes hard

34: State visited: california

 33: Cellphone provider: verizon? apple? idfk

32: Athlete: what is sport

31: Actor: i don't watch shows or movies

30: Actress: i do not consume media

29: Singer: alex gaskarth or alexander deleon

 28: Band: fall out boy 

 27: Clothing store: hot topic (i will not apologize)

 26: Grocery store: okay harris teeter fucks but lidil’s has aloe vera juice and target at 9 pm energy so idk man 

25: TV show: supernatural...

24: Movie: big hero 6

 23: Website: tumblr or youtube

 22: Animal: snow leopard 

 21: Theme park: busch gardens bc roller coaster go fast

20: Holiday: christmas

19: Sport to watch: snowboarding bc its like skateboarding but on snow

18: Sport to play: anything with havy footwork (marching band is a sport)

17: Magazine: i do not condume media

16: Book: the ranger’s apprentice series as a whole makes up my all-time one favorite book

 15: Day of the week: friday bc its game day baybey

14: Beach: cocoa beach in florida but also i have so much left to experience 

13: Concert attended: i havent been to any notable gigs but i was supposed to go to hella mega

 12: Thing to cook: pancakes

11: Food: pizza or shushi

 10: Restaurant: chiplote

 9: Radio station: i like my local rock station and my local edm/top 40 station

8: Yankee candle scent: anything smoky or vanilla idc

7: Perfume: chanel no. 5 if i even wear it

6: Flower: Hydrangea

5: Color: orange

 4: Talk show host: cecil palmer

 3: Comedian: john maulaney

 2: Dog breed: yes

1: Did you answer all these truthfully? ;)

That was a trip. But it was fun, please do things like this more often. Also, I don’t consume media by choice. I’m not sheltered I just can’t be bothered, and I have enough going on. That being said I will now be sleeping. Thanks again, Anon, I hope you have fun reading this :D

[knivxsanddespair]

The miracle birth of a merchild.

"Hey."

The merboy looked at his blue haired lover. "Hey yourself~ what's up cutie? Is there something on your mind?"

Kyo kissed his forehead and chuckled. "You always know how to welcome me. Now I've been thinking.."

That got an eyebrow raised. "Well love, don't keep the suspence rolling." Llyr definitely knows this is going to be good.

"I've been married to you, Olivia and Miya for a while and then we had little Cayden. And you know how much he wanted to be a big brother?"

Eyes are widened. "L-love? Are you saying that?"

"You've already told me about how merchilds are born with magic when the parents are having difficulty on labor and it helps for same-sex couples, so why not?" Kyo just nodded to him with a grin.

"OMIGOSHOMIGOSHLOVEILOOOOOVEYOUUU!" He hugged his husband tightly, tears welling up his eyes.

"Ghk! Okay, Okay Llyr!" He was relieved of the hug along with the apology. "Now lets get everyone there!"

Getting there was one problem within itself, due to the merprince's parents still not forgiving him for marrying what they consider an 'outsider earthling', but trying to make a child with him using their sacred clam? They would have both their heads for this. The family took the more clever option to go to the birth grounds at night, where guards are relieved off their duties.

Cayden was amazed by the size of it. "That is one big clam, Papa!"

"Indeed it is! This is the Mother Clam itself! She was once regarded as the gentlest and kindest Mermaids around!" The Merprince stated proudly.

This confused the twelve year old. "A mermaid?! But that's a clam, Papa!"

A chuckled followed through. "I haven't finished the story, dear son of mine. She was very thoughtful of the folks who cannot have kids for various of reasons. And she knows our way of life can be dumb when it comes to the young finding their own partners. So she used a magic spell on herself that granted her the ability to make children for other folks using items from both parents that they loved."

Llyr then sighed. "But it did not come without a cost. She had to give up her physical form of being a mermaid and turned into what you have seen now before your very eyes."

"Wow..she's such a thoughtful person!"

"Yes she is dear son." Olivia said while giving the clam a salute of respect. "Like any mother, they would give the world for their children."

"And now your daddies are gonna make your brother with her help!" Miya grinned at him, giving him a thumbs up.

Once all the talk was done. The preparation was needed. Llyr started the ritual singing a melodious song for the Mother Clam to open and accept their belongings. Once that was done, Llyr started annoucing the things he was laying on the clam's tounge.

"Dearest Mother Clam, accept my husband's hair, my tiara, the sapphire necklace he gave me and the gold bangles i had wore as a kid. Aceept this sea salt and both our love and the struggles we face to be together. May my husband's kindness and my determination be with this child." Llyr finished the prayer and the Mother Clam had closed tightly shut.

Then, a voice was heard.

"Kyo Ordonia, a human abandoned by his own folks, yet strive for kindness and patience above all else. Prince Llyr of the merfolk, who made the ultimate sacrifice of leaving his kingdom to be with the ones he loves. Let it be known that your hardships and trials are not left in vain. And now I present to you the fruit of your labor. Meet your little one, his name would be Tsunami."

The clam opened and a small baby was now opening his eyes. Kyo and Llyr stood close, bringing him over with tears in their eyes.

"L-love..sniff. He's beautiful, just like you."

"Funny, I was gonna say the same thing." They turned to Cayden and gave the newborn to him. "Meet your little brother, Tsunami is his name."

Cayden couldn't believe it, his eyes widened and his grin grew bigger. "He's so tiny and light! I'm gonna be the bestest brother ever!"

The four adults couldn't have been more prouder, and they can't ask for more too. They could only hope this blissful moment will never leave them and they would be together forever.

(AHHHHHHHH @makanshoku happy birth!! And yes funnily enough I was thinking mar 13 to be Tsunami's birthday! And I have not forgotten about this family @demon-draws , Ive been so busy lately to write anything so forgive me TuT)

Kyo and Miya belongs to me!

Llyr and Tsunami belongs to @makanshoku

Cayden and Olivia belongs to @demon-draws

[ficdirectory]

The Crossing (Disuphere series #3) Chapter 30

Scene IV: They Live In You

Dominique can’t help it.  The question’s out of her mouth before she can stop it.  Irreverent.  Sarcastic.  “Your invisible friend?  It wasn’t me, was it?”

“No,” Jesus answers, not sarcastic at all.  He’s sad, almost grieving when he says:  “Like you, with me, he was real.”

“You really don’t think it’s weird?” Dominique checks.

“No.  I mean, we all have to cope,” Jesus maintains.

“I used to think...what was happening to me was happening to you, too…” Dominique admits.

“Was it?” Jesus checks.  “I mean, did I like, tell you it was?”

“No.  You never answered.  I just figured you weren’t answering because you didn’t wanna say it out loud.”

“Maybe you didn’t want to say it out loud,” Jesus ventures softly, no judgment.

Dominique exhales, impressed.  “That is….  That is very true…”  Silence again.  She should really go back across the hall but there’s something almost sacred about being awake when no one else is, and just talking.  Just being.  “My um...he used to make me call him my boyfriend...he used to always say everybody was looking for you, but nobody was for me.”

“He used to go search for me.  Talk to my mom.  While he had me locked in his basement…” Jesus shudders.  “He came back and told me about it once.  Brought me a pin with my face on it.”

Dominique shivers, too.  

“Only my parents were ever looking for me.  Cops decided I ran away.  Just turned eleven.  Straight-A student.  Happy at home.”

“That sucks,” Jesus says.  “And they looked for me…but they didn’t find me.”

“Nobody found me, either,” Dominique agrees.  

For a while, they just sit.  Jesus seems tired, and so is Dominique but neither one of them is willing to surrender to sleep.  Dominique’s sure it’ll bring nightmares after what went down tonight.

“Can I ask a question….I already asked?” Jesus asks, tentative.

“Are you asking me?” Dominique wonders, surprised.  “You don’t need my permission, Jesus.  Ask whatever you want…”

“I know it’s just...trauma…  I could never ask anything.  And definitely could never repeat a question.”

“Well, it was damn scary earlier tonight.  But I don’t think you’re stupid.  And you’re not back there now ‘cause you didn’t have your awesome across-the-hall triplet then.  To be clear, you can absolutely ask a question.  Even if it’s a repeat.  Repeating can help the truth settle...at least I’ve found…”

“Yeah?” Jesus asks.

“Yeah.”

“Are we still friends?”  He looks terrified.  Like she’s definitely gonna say no.

“We are.  We’re friends.  According to you and Mariana, we’re triplets.  And that doesn’t go away when one of you has a tough day does it?  You don’t stop being there for Mariana?”

“No.”

“So, I won’t stop being there for you.  It might be hard sometimes.  I might need space.  I might feel safer with Mariana at times, like you do.  But I always wanna be your friend.  Do you wanna be mine?”

“Real friends.  Not invisible,” Jesus says, certain.

“No, not invisible.  We spent long enough like that,” Dominique yawns.  “I should go back,” she says, regretful.

“Hey...I’m glad I could be there for you.  To help, you know…” Jesus says.

“Yeah, thanks for being cool about it.  And for checking out the tweet.”  She scoops up Roberta, who’s fallen asleep in a corner of Jesus’s kitchen.  She keeps Jesus in sight, backing to the door, not able to break this old habit.

“I’m really sorry for not responding.  It really isn’t ‘cause I didn’t care.  I saw your tweet.  And it meant a lot to me.  I’m not some asshole who’s above all this, and all about his social media presence.”

“That’s not what I thought,” Dominique allows and then corrects herself.  “Okay, that kinda is what I thought...but…”

“You didn’t have the full information, and the pieces you did have left you with a lot of holes,” Jesus says simply.  “It’s okay.  I’m not mad.”

“Okay,” Dominique nods.  “And it’s okay if you need to ask me stuff.  Even repeat questions,” she clarifies.

“You should go, you’re gonna be a zombie tomorrow…” Jesus encourages.

“Yeah, too bad I don’t have a costume for that.”

“Maybe Mom does,” Jesus grins.  “That was a seriously awesome costume she had.”

“I’ll let her know you appreciate it,” Dominique nods.  “‘Night, Jesus.”

“‘Night,” he says.

Back in her own place, Dominique locks the door behind her.  Picks up her phone and texts Mom.  

Fire alarm.  No real fire.  But scared me.  Also Jesus likes your Maleficent costume.

Mom:

You okay?

Dominique:

Mom.  I didn’t actually expect you to be up and text me back now.  Did I wake you?

Mom:

Of course I’m gonna text you back now.  Tell Jesus thank you when you see him.  Are you okay?

Dominique:

I gotta be up in an hour.  IDK if it’s even worth it to try and sleep right now or if I should get up for the day and buy a trenta sized iced white mocha to get me through.

Mom:

If you can, try to get some rest.  Even if all you can do is lie down and breathe deep.  Sing something, maybe.

Dominique:

Sing what?

Mom:

What do you feel?

Dominique:

Tired.  Happy.  Relieved.  Adrenaline.

Mom sends a voice note and Dominique plays it.  There’s Mom’s voice singing to her softly: “Here’s a little song I wrote.  You might want to sing it note for note, but don’t worry.  Be happy.”

Dominique records her own voice, singing back: “In every life we have some trouble, but when we worry, we make it double.  Don’t worry.  Be happy.  Thank you, Mom.”

She lays awake for an hour, feeling tense as her thoughts race, but she tries to do what Mom suggested and take deep breaths for a while.  It doesn’t work for her.  She keeps expecting the fire alarm to go off again.  Finally, she gives up and gets out of bed.  Her alarm will go off in ten minutes and Dominique turns it off.

Tries to find clean clothes for work, but her mind is elsewhere.  Talking to Jesus had been good.  Talking to Mariana never stopped being good.  Jesus still wants to be friends.  Mariana never stopped, and Francesca feels like a little sister that Dominique’s never had.

Domminique has a birthday coming up.  Maybe Jesus and Mariana (Francesca, too, if she wants,) can come and hang out at Mom and Dad’s then.

On a whim, she group-texts all three Adams-Fosters and asks what they think.

So, my bday is on Saturday, October 3 and I was wondering if y’all wanted to do dinner at my house that night?  Don’t have to bring presents.  Just yourselves.  RSVP whenever.

On her break at work, Dominique checks her texts:

Francesca:

I want to go.  I want to go to avoydense to.

Jesus:

Wait.  Dom how did you get Fran’s number?

Francesca:

I gave it to her.

Mariana:

I’m in.

Jesus:

Me too, with questions.

Dominique smiles.  Texts the group back:

Questions are welcome.  What do you say we go to Avoidance for a pre bday meeting.  Maybe Fri afternoon?

Francesca:

I am at school 330.

Dominique:

We’ll have it after 3:30, Francesca, so everybody can come.

Francesca texts back a row of smiling emojis, plus hearts and a rainbow.  Then a picture of her Kindle with the first Harry Potter book loaded on the screen.

This is so good did you read it all?

Dominique:

Maybe ;) (Yes.  Several times.)

Francesca:

OK don’t tell me what happens!!!!

Dominique:

Okay I won’t.

Mariana:

What have you done to our sister? ;)

Jesus:

Excited for Avoidance + bday dinner w/ the fam.

Dominique smiles again:

Me, too.  

[kissofexpresso]

May 6th 2019

Do you still love me?

I don’t ask that lightly. If you asked that of me I don’t know what I would respond. I guess the easy answer would be yes, but we all know life isn’t that simple. I still think of you multiple times a day on average. I think about how youre doing and I hope that Cassidy doesn’t hurt you and I hope your parents are well and I hope your spring camp was killer and you impressed the shit out of the coaches and threw consistent. I think about sending you a message and asking how things have been or how you’re looking on the depth chart or if you decided to do a masters. But I don’t. I don’t because I am so afraid you won’t answer, and then this void ive been living in would actually be real and you would be completely gone. Right now I can kind of live in a state of not knowing, I don’t know if you still think about me and I don’t know if you still care, so there is a potential for your answer to be yes. If you didn’t respond it would be worse than you saying no because it would be you displaying indifference.

I should hate you. I should want to never see you again. I was doing great, and you know I was. I thought after my October break down that I was over you. I thought I had had that pivotal moment of clairity and I was ready to move on and finally be done loving you. I was over you and ready to live my life and move on. I even found someone pretty great. He gave a shit about my life and about me and we had things in common but also a lot different. I was happy.

February break you blew me off and I didn’t think much about it because you’re busy and I was busy and did I mention happy? March you messaged me telling me we shouldn’t be friends anymore and you cut me out. I guess I appreciate the honest but honestly it would have been way better I think if you had just let us drift apart like we already were. Your message flipped something in my brain.

Suddenly I wasn’t happy. Something was wrong. I didn’t know what it was but something wasn’t right anymore and I started blowing off my own boyfriend. I didn’t want to make time for him anymore and I ended up breaking up with him because I couldn’t figure out what the hell I was feeling or what I wanted. I didn’t want to be with you, but I also didn’t want you to be with anyone else. I felt like I couldn’t be with someone else if I was thinking about you and her while we were together

So I lost friends because you decided to go and be happy.

I lost a potentially good relationship because you decided to go and be happy

I passed my OSCE and I became president of the SNSS. I turned my life completely around from the pit I was in when we broke up. I have come so far and done so much. I have grown and discovered myself. I ran away to Europe by myself. I met so many new people and did so many new things. Yet here I am still thinking about you.

I don’t like the person I was when we were dating. She was weak and needy and lost. You took care of me, but it wasn’t best for me. I needed to grow up and learn to tuck myself in and solve my own problems.

I learned how to cope without arms to run into and someone to hold me while I cry

In retrospect I really just stopped crying altogether because emotion is weakness

I was re reading your last message to me for about the 100th time and I noticed you said now our friendship was becoming a conflict, and realized maybe it was Cassidy pressuring you to cut ties with me. I really cant be mad because I did the same thing once. I have all this false hope now though because I still loved you when I cut ties and was with Him.

So that brings me back to the real question. Do you still love me?

Its so complicated because my answers change every day. I do still love you and that answer doesn’t change, its constant and numbing.

I don’t know if I want to be with you. I feel like I don’t even know you anymore. I don’t know who you are or what you do on weekends. I don’t remember how you like your coffee and I don’t know your favourite song. I don’t know if you’re still the person I want to spend the rest of my life with. There is so much I don’t know. But I guess my answers start with knowing if you love me. Or even if you might. Love is complicated. When I say I still love you I mean that I look back on our time and I long for it even though I also loathe it.

I don’t want to be the person I was when I was with you. I don’t like her. She is gone.

I look at our pictures and I just see how much we loved each other. I think about camping and blanket forts and forehead kisses.

I think about how crazy I was to think life was so simple that we would have been engaged by now.

I think about those late night road trips to Moose Jaw holding hands and singing Hamilton in the car.

I also think about all the fights and the holes in walls and the yelling and the crying

I think about the fights we had since day 1 that were never really resolved

We were far from perfect and we didn’t always do what was best

You also knew me better than anyone ever has and loved me more too.

I think often about the last time we had coffee. We talked about how crazy we were. You asked me straight up if I thought we would ever get back together, but it wasn’t a question as much as an accusation “you don’t think we are going to end up together still do you?” so of course my answer was no. But that wasn’t true. Part of me does think maybe we could someday. I believe there is a plan out there for me to be happy and its going to play out. From what I’ve experienced so far no one has every made me as happy as you did.

But now I’m on the phone with a friend, debating if I should send you this email and he pulls up the picture Cassidy posted of you for her birthday. You’re her profile picture. I don’t know if we were each others profile picture? You look happy, your grandparents commented on it, it looks like your family like her. Maybe she isn’t all the things I’ve heard about her. I hope not

So I guess that is my answer. You’ve moved on and she isn’t just an attempt to numb me out, you’re happy and going in a forward direction. So I will too. You don’t love me because you are probably about to say those words to someone else.

I need to stop waiting for you to decide you love me. I don’t know why I would be okay with being your backup plan anyways, you already chose her and gave me up in every opportunity.

So Goodbye

[asksansweredpdf]

65 questions youre not used to

1. Do you ever doubt the existence of others than you? not until now

2. On a scale of 1-5, how afraid of the dark are you? hm like a 3? i talk to spirits so sometimes i worry that they’re around

3. The person you would never want to meet? someone i used to know who things are now awkward with

4. What is your favorite word? oblong or shenanigans 

5. If you were a type of tree, what would you be? idk like a mulberry tree

6. When you looked in the mirror this morning what was the first thing you thought? that my hair was sticking up from my sleep

7. What shirt are you wearing? pink &  blue stipy crop

8. What do you label yourself as? flamboyant & eccentric 

9. Bright room or dark room? dark room

10. What were you doing at midnight last night? finishing infinity war or reading fanfic sjdfhjlkf

11. Favorite age you’ve been so far? 20

12. Who told you they loved you last? probably my old best friend dom

13. Your worst enemy? i dont really have any enemies. i try to get on with everyone or keep to myself if that’s not possible

14. What is your current desktop picture? a scene from kiki’s delivery service with a window near some greenery

15. Do you like someone? not romantically no. i only ever go to work and work romances are inappropriate

16. The last song you listened to? pussy is gof

17. You can press a button that will make any one person explode. Who would you blow up? id like to say someone like trump, but i think his death wouldn’t really lead to much positive change. maybe a billionaire with an heir who would do better with what they have? i’lll have to research this

18. Who would you really like to just punch in the face? nobody immediately springs to mind. 

19. If anyone could be your slave for a day, who would it be and what would they have to do? technically i’d make someone like jeff bezos my slave and then force him to give his money to the homeless, or to pay his workers a higher wage, or something to that anti-capitalist extent. maybe i’d force major ceos to try and combat global warming if it isnt too late

20. What is your best physical attribute? (showing said attribute is optional) everyone says my eyes - and i do like them, but im inclined to say my hair. i love my hair so much

21. If you were the opposite sex for one day, what would you look like and what would you do? id be super hot with colourings like zayn malik or rdj and id probably immediately jack off dsfjlkdsjfkl

22. Do you have a secret talent? If yes, what is it? no serious answers come to mind

23. What is one unique thing you’re afraid of? asking people for a favour/for help. answering the phone when im not at work

24. You can only have one kind of sandwich. Every sandwich ingredient known to humankind is at your disposal. my subway usual! white bread, chicken stips with melted cheese, cucumber, capsicum, olives, jalepenos, honey mustard sauce, salt and pepper

25. You just found $100! How are you going to spend it? probably use it to save for a car, or to help fund dad’s trip to america/england that i got roped into having to pay for

26. You just got a free plane ticket to anywhere in the world, but you have to leave immediately. Where are you going to go? i have work tomorrow :/ but i guess if i could get out of that i’d go to greece or something?

27. An angel appears out of Heaven and offers you a lifetime supply of the alcoholic beverage of your choice. “Be brand-specific” it says. Man! What are you gonna say about that? Even if you don’t drink booze there’s something you can figure out… so what’s it gonna be? ive never had expensive alcohol so i’d probably get like a scotch whiskey or some usual vodka (but pre-mixed. i always puke when i mix vodka myself)

28. You discover a beautiful island upon which you may build your own society. You make the rules. What is the first rule you put into place? YEEEESSSS, um first rule would be that everyone gets food/shelter/water for free. regardless of who you are. 

29. What is your favorite expletive? used to be shit, now i think it’s just fuck.

30. Your house is on fire, holy shit! You have just enough time to run in there and grab ONE inanimate object. Don’t worry, your loved ones and pets have already made it out safely. So what’s the one thing you’re going to save from that blazing inferno? my phone

31. You can erase any horrible experience from your past. What will it be? g o d. i think i’d erase either my 18th birthday or the day we first moved into the house im living in now

32. You got kicked out of the country for being a time-traveling heathen who sleeps with celebrities and has super-powers. But check out this cool shit… you can move to anywhere else in the world! fuck yeah i’d go live with harry styles or someone in america or england or whatever. maybe canada. canada seems cool. 

33. The Celestial Gates Of Beyond have opened, much to your surprise because you didn’t think such a thing existed. Death appears. As it turns out, Death is actually a pretty cool entity, and happens to be in a fantastic mood. Death offers to return the friend/family-member/person/etc. of your choice to the living world. Who will you bring back? my mum’s father! i’ve always wanted to meet him. we have a lot in common from what i’m told (i was 2 when he died so i dont even remember him). but we’re both leos! we both love dancing and we both love music and singing (he was a musician. and music is like.....all i have). we both like cigarettes and swearing. we both had shit mothers. he seems a cool dude. he had that leo generosity and gave my mum a car and money when she needed it and i never had a good person/parent like that around and i’d love to know him and now im getting sad so. did not see that coming round the corner

34. What was your last dream about? this is going to sound weird but it was about this gross old fat dude sitting in a car next to me (i think my family started driving people around for money in my dream) and he started feeling me up and i told him off. 

35. Are you a good….[insert anything you’d like here]? person? artist? singer? student? worker? nope. im not good at much. 

36. Have you ever been admitted to the hospital? yeah twice that i can recall atm. once when i was 9 months for having a cyst on my ovary, and once when i was 19 for having gastro and puking non-stop.

37. Have you ever built a snowman? nah i wish. it doesnt snow in australia

38. What is the color of your socks? im not wearing any atm but the last pair i wore were red and black deadpool ones

39. What type of music do you like? GOD okay my answer is any type of music. but it has to be good. upbeat music? 

40. Do you prefer sunrises or sunsets? sunsets

41. What is your favorite milkshake flavor? vanilla or caramel

42. What football team do you support? (I will answer in terms of American football as well as soccer) i dont give a shit about sports

43. Do you have any scars? yeah i have one on my lower stomach from the surgery i got for my ovary cyst, one on my right hand from opening a tin of tuna and slicing my hand immediately (i later got food poisoning), i have some embarrassing ass self harm scars on my thighs, and i think that’s it? 

44. What do you want to be when you graduate? well i graduate uni in just over a week (next saturday) and i have no clue. at the moment i just want to get a job that has a set amount of hours and a set/steady pay and doesnt make me anxious. a desk job that i’m not terrible at. then i can move out. and once im moved out i wont be in survival mode, and maybe then i can start dreaming. but for now im desperate enough to not even have dreams or wants. 

45. If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be? i would make me more assertive and less anxious. and a bit more funny. a bit more like an aries or a leo. i think i will be more like this when im moved out and secure with a consistent job and consistent living space. i havent had that for like 6 years.

46. Are you reliable? very

47. If you could ask your future self one question, what would it be? god what a question. where should i work? and should i get a motorbike or a car? and id just ask for general advice

48. Do you hold grudges? absolutely. to be fair, i consider myself a very understanding and fair person, so it takes a lot to get me mad. but once im there, it’s usually justified and hard to change my mind. 

49. If you could breed two animals together to defy the laws of nature, what new animal would you create? like maybe a bird and a lion. imagine a flying lion. that’d be sick

50. What is the most unusual conversation you’ve ever had? out of what immediately springs to mind i have 2 equally strong contenders: 1) me, introducing myself to a worker on the first day at my job - “hi, i’m ____ by the way. i don’t think i’ve introduced myself to you yet” “i know.” “oh! sorry haha im just really bad with names and faces haha” "yeah. we went to school together. *walks away*  2) coworker: so how many babies do you think we’ll have to sacrifice to get a bigger back room? me: ........at least 1 million coworker: 1 million? wow! i was thinking like 7! me: 7? wow i really went overboard there. but wait! what counts as a baby? are there age or weight restrictions or? coworker: hm i think it’s like anyone under the age of 4 me: oh under 4? so if you kill a 5 year old and sacrifice it, then you’ve just wasted a kill and it doesn’t count? coworker: yeah pretty much.....i’ve done that a few times, actually. their parents were not happy me: yeah i’d imagine just as much. imagine having to have that conversation with their parents like ‘uhh sorry about that’ coworker: yeah and it was all for nothing too

51. Are you a good liar? yes, when i know the people and situation well. i usually plan out my lies in advance, but for whatever reason im actually a better liar when im thinking on my feet and improvising the lies. have no idea how or why. 

52. How long could you go without talking? fucking forever. i’m great at talking, a very good conversationalist. but fuck i love not having to talk to people. it’s so much effort. 

53. What has been you worst haircut/style? my mum cut a fringe for me when i was 12. 

54. Have you ever baked your own cake? all the time! i love baking

55. Can you do any accents other than your own? nope

56. What do you like on your toast? vegemite, egg, honey & peanut butter, sometimes jam (mostly when im high)

57. What is the last thing you drew a picture of? captain phasma

58. What would be you dream car? a 59 cadillac, or most ferraris 

59. Do you sing in the shower? Or do anything unusual in the shower? Explain. i dont usually sing in the shower, but i do enjoy a good shower dance routine

60. Do you believe in aliens? for sure! our universe is too huge and constantly expanding for there to be just us

61. Do you often read your horoscope? god you dont even want to know how much i fucking love astrology. astrology is my mind. it occupies about 1/3 of all my thoughts and i immediately try to figure out people’s signs within the first .... maybe 5 seconds of meeting them.

62. What is your favorite letter of the alphabet? maybe p or r or v

63. Which is cooler: dinosaurs or dragons? dinosaurs

64. What do you think about babies? cute when they’re not mine and i can give them back to their mothers after 5 minutes

65. Freebie! Ask anything interesting you can think of.

[ishmybanannas]

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@taylorswift @taylornation Hi Taylor, So at first tonight just started off with me being bored, doing hw, and singing to your songs. But then this damn song happened - I knew it was going to bring tears out but I wanted to sing it outloud before I became a complete mess tonight. So I'm taking you way back to 2006 when my respect and love for you started. (Yes Taylor, you and I have been best friends for about 12 years now ♥️) I want you to know these are good tears - these are not the same tears I cried when I first heard this song the week before my birthday(12/12/90) -i think it was like around Dec 3-9 2006 to be more precise. I was studying for my finals and I was bored of the songs on my iPod (those freaking chunky heavy freaking iPod). So I decided to look up new songs to listen to and came across your song "Tim McGraw" from the list. I actually heard "Tim McGraw" from a girl I ran against at the League Championship for XC (cross country). So that December night I decided to download your whole album to listen to the rest of your songs. (Anyone remember limewire or the other one that starts with an R it was like Rapsody(?)) I had it on shuffle and what do you know "Tied together with a smile" played first. It felt like at that very moment in my life the universe knew I needed to hear this song - loud and clear - because this is how I felt. I was struggling about how: - I needed to be strongest for everyone because I was the "independent" child (can't complain you dont have any real pain or struggles you're only 15 you don't know what "real" life problems are yet, don't feel anything, don't have feelings, and if I did have feelings they don't matter because I'm strong) - I needed to be perfect for everyone to like me (hair, face, body, makeup, the newest clothes, best kind of shoes, shiny/flashy accessories) - I needed to have straight A's for my parents to be proud and approve of me (youngest out of 8 so "definitely" should know what's right from wrong - no room for mistakes especially if my siblings made them already, and oh can't forget youll be cleaning up their mistakes - yup I've been babysitter since 3.5 years old) - I needed to win first place on every race so I was recognized(the temporary happiness of being acknowledge/noticed for something I actually loved doing) - I needed to run every mile faster so I didn't lose "focus" ( stay thin, stay popular, stay smart, stay "what the world thinks" you need to look like to be considered beautiful as a freaking 15 year old) - I needed to be thin so I can be the most popular (everyone "knows" you, talk about you, want to be "friends" with you, hang-out with you to use you) - I needed to be pretty so I can have friends (99% were just people taking advantage of me - "can I borrow your notes I forgot mine at home", "can I come too - but I'm broke so can you spot me for now", "can you introduce me to blah blah blah", "can you fix this for me") - I needed to be this or that for whatever crappy reason everyone around me had drilled into my head. I was struggling with an eating disorder (ran more miles instead of eating), body image distortion (photoshopped/edited pictures to what I thought the world sees as beautiful), and I was lacking every confidence and strength my whole world at that time thought I had (I had been broken and no one cared to stop to ask). All of this was never voiced outloud at that time because I had A smile on my face. Because I had a very "dominant/independent" kind of personality/trait. BUT was it wrong to wish one of my best friends or family members to tell me that it was okay to be exhausted, frozen, lost, and broken BEFORE Taylor did? I do remember asking people for help but it was brushed off as if he or she never believed that I - Ana - could have any issues or problem because "my world was oh so perfect." I heard excuses like "you're only 15 what would you know about REAL life issues" or "what, you're the team captain and a straight A's student what could possible be wrong in your life" or "don't worry everyone knows you - you have lots of friends here but don't say too much because you know words travel fast" or "you're already pretty and popular I'm sure that guy will date you" or "don't worry it will be over tomorrow" Well guess what - yes I was 15 but I wasn't dumb and stupid. I was 15 feeling so alone and afraid because everyone and everything around me is so crazy and confusing - I didn't know how to slow it down! I was 15 and I know about "real life" issues like the one I was having about feeling alone, not loved, used and abused, issues dealing with anorexia and body distortion. Yes, I was team captain and I got straight A's BUT that was because I worked so damn hard for it! Yeah a lot of people knew me but NO ONE ACTUALLY took the time to get to know me aside from the labels and rumors going around school. I didn't want to be loved because I was "popular and pretty" - I wanted to be liked and loved because the person saw who I am as a WHOLE - as a human being and not as a trophy or object. And excuse my language but FUCK NO problems/issues do NOT go away in one night - sometimes it takes more time; years even (I'm 27 now - all of this happened was 12 years ago). My smile wasn't suppose to be the ribbon that held me together - my smile was suppose to be the actual reflection of my life - of me! So @taylorswift thank you for writing and singing this song. This song was the beginning of the many broken pieces being placed and glued to where they belong in my life. This song made me feel the type of "okay" I never knew exsisted. This song helped me begin to reconsider what was more important - the world's excuses and negative opinions or ME - myself - my life. Well as you can see I chose me. Becsuse YOU @taylorswift taught me to know that IT WAS OKAY to sometimes literally pick yourself over the world when the world was not making you feel welcomed and loved. That it was okay to finally protect yourself and fight for yourself against some people who you thought were your closest friends AND family members too. You taught me to EAT !!!! You taught me TO STOP running - literally the miles (to gain weight) and from my issues. You taught me balance. You talked to me through this song and I can never thank you enough from the bottom of my heart - you saved me in more ways than you'll ever know. So to recap why I'm crying in this video - they are tears of happiness and respect for myself - to know how far Ive come since those freshman days/nights. You let me be broken just so I can find my path to being the WHOLE human being I was meant to be. You came into my life at the right time and just when I needed someone the most (anyone - but glad it as you that showed up)! Thank you. Ana #tbh #tookme2HOURStoPRESSpost 🙈 #supernervousabouthispost #themostDETAILSiveeverposted #mylife #imattertoo #finallyfree #thebeginningofmyclosure #survivedbecauseoyou #realty #taylorswift #taylornation #reputation

[wake-up-i-know-you-can-hear-me]

answer 1-116

1: Let’s start with a tricky one; what is the real reason you are confused right now?I don't know why i feel the way i do, or even what it is that im feeling. This is what confuses me the most often- but i hope to figure it out one day.2: Do you ever get “good morning” texts from anyone?Sometimes, not gonna lie, some people send me morning nudes; and that's the same thing right?3: If your significant other smoked pot, would you care?Not really, i've only ever kissed three boys and all of them smoke weed pretty much everyday, as long as i don't have to join in, it's cool.4: Do you find it easy to trust others?It depends on who they are and how i'm feeling. Sometime's im in a very isolating mood, but other times i want to make everything known.5: What were you doing at 11PM last night?Riding my bike, singing Red Hot Chilli Peppers, carring a hutch to my sisters house.6: You’re drunk and lost walking down the road; who is with you?Ideally whatever boy i have feelings for at the time, i always seem to trust them the most.7: What would you do if you found out you had been cheated on?Cry. A lot. although that is very hypocritical of me, as i have been the girl that has slept with another girls boyfriend before.8: Are you close with your dad?Very. He raised me as a single parent and since my nan died, i have lived alone with him.9: I bet you kissed someone last night, right?Nah, 8 days ago.10: What are you listening to?the sound of my fingers typing and i can hear my dad on his computer in the next room11: You can only drink ONE liquid for the rest of your life - what is it?Any kind of energy drink.12: Do you like hickeys?I've never had one, but i like the idea.13: What time do you go to bed?Usually between 3am-9am14: Is there someone who continuously lets you down?Multiple people.15: Can you text as quickly with one hand as you do both?I'd say so.16: Do you always answer your texts?No, i always open them because it annoys me seeing the notifacation, but i only reply when i need to.17: Do you hate the person you fell the hardest for?Hate is a strong word, i dont think it is possible to hate someone you felt so deeply towards.18: When was the last time you talked to one of your best friends?A few hours ago19: Is there someone that makes you happy every time you see them?A couple of people, but i rarely see them20: What was your last thought before you went to bed last night?Probably a boy tbh21: Is anyone else in the room with you?Nope22: Do you believe what goes around comes around?Sometimes, i believe everyone deserves what they get in life.23: Were you happier four months ago than you are now?I'd say about the same24: Is there someone you wish you could fix things with?A lot of people, but a certain name comes to mind, yes.25: In the past week, have you cried?nope26: What colour is the shirt you are wearing?I'm naked lmao27: Do people ever call you by your last name?I get called ''taskforce'' and other versions of my sirname, but its very very rare that someone calls me tasker28: Is anyone ignoring you right now?yes lmao29: Do you have a best friend?I'd like to think so, but im probably not theirs30: Would it be hard seeing someone else kiss the last person you kissed?Yes, although i know that they kiss a lot of other people31: Who was your last call/text message from?call: hollytext/message: tom 32: Are you mad at anyone?Quite a few people33: Have you ever kissed someone older than you?I've only kissed people older than me34: How old will the last person you kissed be on his/her next birthday?19?35: How many more days until your birthday?8636: Do you have any summer plans yet?Nope37: Do you have any good friends of the opposite sex?A lot 38: Are you keeping anything from your best friend(s) now?Yes39: Do you have a secret that you’ve never told anyone?I dont think so, at least one person knows pretty much everything. I probably have a few that i try to forget, but all of the main ones are out.40: Have you ever regretted kissing someone?No41: Do you think age matters in relationships?Yes42: Are you available?For what?43: How many people have you had real, strong feelings for since high school ended?244: If you had to get a piercing (not ears), what would you get?I have never had my ears pierced, and i already have all of the piercings that i want (other than ears, i might get them done one day). I have my septum and both nostrils. 45: Do you believe exes can be friends?Yes, as long as you both make it clear on what you want to be.46: Do you regret anything?so much47: Honestly, what’s on your mind right now?A boy48: Did you ever lose a best friend?Too many49: Was your last kiss a mistake?I guess you could say so, but i wanted it to happen and i don;t regret it at all.50: Why aren’t you pursuing the person you like?Because they aren't interested51: Has the last person you kissed ever seen you cry?I don't think so, maybe?52: Do you still talk with the person you LAST kissed?I try53: What was the last thing you ate?Cheese&beans54: Did you get any compliments today?My dad's friend saw us whilst shopping and kept calling me ''lovely'' and ''angel'' and it was sweet. also like 5 people swiped up on a selfie from my sc story and called me pretty, i got more compliments today than usual. 55: Where are you going on your next vacation?DisneyLand Paris with my best friend for our 18th birthday.56: Do you own anything from other countries?yes57: Are most of your friend guys or girls?I'd say 50/5058: Where have you lived most of your life?Latchford59: When was the last time you took a long drive?I don't drive much, probably a few months ago60: Have you ever played Spin the Bottle?Yeah when i was younger, never an adult version like in the movies.61: Have you ever TPd someone’s house?Nope62: Who do you text the most?I don't really text anyone, i have a lot of people i speak to on facebook and snapchat everyday though. 63: What was the last movie you saw?Beauty and the beast i think64: What’s preventing your current boyfriend/girlfriend from going back to their ex?I don't have a current girlfriend or boyfriend lmao65: How many boyfriends/girlfriends did you have in 2011?066: Is the last person you kissed younger than you?nope67: Do you curse around your parents?Too often68: Are you happy with where you live?I guess, its a shithole but it's my shithole. I've lived here forever and i have too many memories in this house to leave, as much as it pisses me off sometimes.69: Picture of yourself?lol70: Are you a monogamous person or do you believe in open-ended relationships?It depends. If i truly feel like i love someone, then it has to be 100% monogamous. just the thought of them even looking at someone else could make me go psycho. but if i didnt have major feelings for them then i'd be cool with them speaking to other people too. I'd make it very clear what i wanted.71: Have you ever been dumped?Nope72: What do you most like about making out?Where their hands go, lip biting, cute smiles between kisses, and heavy breathing.73: Have you ever casually made out with someone who you weren’t seriously involved with?Yeah, they had a girlfriend and i broke them up. 74: When you kiss someone for the first time, is it usually you who initiates it or the other?The other usually, i catch on pretty quickly, but they usually have to kinda make it ovbious that they want it before ill even consider going in.75: What part of a person’s body do you find most attractive?If i find someone attractive, i have to find their entire body attractive, one tiny thing can put me off, everyone is different.76: Who was the last person you talked to last night before you went to bed?Ryan i think77: Had sex with someone you knew less than an hour?Nope78: Had sex with someone you didn’t know their name?Nope79: What makes your heart flutter and brings a big cheesy smile to your face?Boys that i like, dogs, happy memories, and things that i look forward to. 80: Would you get involved with someone if they had a child already?I'd consider it, but im only 17 so probably not this young.81: Has someone who had a crush on you ever confessed to you?Yeah, they told my bestfriend first so i already knew, but they told me eventually.82: Do you tell a lot of people when you have a crush?Too fucking many, im an idiot83: Do you miss your last sweetie?A lot84: Last time you slow danced with someone?I don't think i ever have85: Have you ever ‘dated’ someone you’ve never met?Nope86: How can I win your heart?That's such a complicated question; and if you need to ask, chances are you can't. It happens without choice, but i'll let you know. 87: What is your astrological sign?Libra88: What were you doing last night at 12 AM?Riding my bike still, it was a long journey. 89: Do you cook?Everyday90: Have you ever gotten back in touch with an old flame after a time of more than 3 months of no communication?Yes91: If you’re single right now, do you wish you were in a relationship?Sometimes i do, but sometimes the idea scares me92: Do you prefer to date various people or do you pretty much fall into monogamous relationships quickly?I'd say im more of a monogamous person, but i dont know93: What physical traits do you look for in a potential interest?Nice hair, nice smile, funny, nice eyes, tall, idk i have really high standards, probs why im single94: Name four things that you wish you had!-a lot of money-a car-someone that loves me as much as i love them-a nice house95: Are you a player?Nah96: Have you ever kissed 2 people in one day?Nope97: Are you a tease?Hahaha maybe98: Ever meet anyone you met on Tumblr?I've met people i follow on tumblr, but i dont think ive planned a meetup with anyone from here, i used to meet people from ask.fm when i was like 14 lmao99: Have you ever been deeply in love with someone?Yeah100: Anybody on Tumblr that you’d go on a date with?Yeah101: Hugs or Kisses?Both102: Are you too shy to ask someone out?YESSS103: The first thing you notice about the opposite sex?Their posture 104: Is it cute when a boy/girl calls you babe?Yeessss105: If a sexy person was pursuing you, but you knew he/she was in relationship, would you go for it?I've been there and done that, i wouldnt really call him sexy, but yeah i guess lol106: Do you flirt a lot?with some people107: Your last kiss?What about it??108: Have you kissed more than 5 people since the start of 2012?No109: Have you kissed anyone in the past month?Yes110: If you could kiss anyone who would it be?Ehhh toss up between 3 people111: Do you know who you’ll kiss next?Nope112: Does someone like you currently?I don't think so113: Do you currently have feelings for anyone?Unfortunately 114: Do you like to be in serious relationships or just flings?I'd like a serious relationship, but people only have flings now a days115: Ever made out with just a friend?Yeah116: Are you happier single or in a relationship?I'm pretty happy single, but i wouldnt mind being in a relationship.