#ive always looked at tumblr for several years

[azriels-shadowsinger]

Brother’s Best Friend (Azriel x Reader)

summary: you are cassian’s sister and have a thing for azriel

wc: 1K

a/n: this is my first fic ive written for tumblr since like 2014 i think so sorry if its absolute garage. this is also not proof read at all and honestly i wrote this while tipsy bc ive been nervous to write again so i’m just saying fuck it i’m sorry :)

warnings: slight smut/suggestiveness

You always looked up to Cassian since you were little.

Like most big brothers, he has always been protective as fuck, especially with growing up in the windhaven camp and becoming solely responsible for you after your mother died.

He shielded you from so much in your childhood because he wanted the best for you.

Like many little sisters, you thought Cassian and his friends were the coolest males alive and wanted to follow them everywhere.

You basically had three big brothers instead of one.

They would try to include you as much as possible, but sometimes they did certain things that you definitely should not be around and would find some excuse to get rid of you.

But at the end of the day, the three of them would stand up to just about anyone for you to protect you. And they did.

They only let you join the snowball fight once and then kicked you out because it wasn’t fair that you only targeted Cassian the entire time and that Azriel felt bad throwing snowballs at you.

Also you were a child and couldn’t throw far enough to hit any of them, but they still say you suck at snowball throwing to this day.

When you got older, you desperately tried to ignore the rumors you heard about the boys around the camp. No one needs to hear about their brother’s sex life.

When the four of you moved to Velaris and after everything with Rhysand’s family, they were all very protective over you.

Over time, you and Azriel grew closer. His close friendship with Cassian led to you becoming closer with him than Rhys.

He is soooo protective of you.

So much so that no one bats an eye when he scares off any male that tries to court you, claiming they are not worth your time.

“I’m not overprotective, I just don’t think that any of these males meet your standards.” Aka his standards for you

Having a shadow or two follow you around became the norm.

You and Azriel start to spend a lot of one on one time together, platonically at first. You two are definitely the comfortable silence type.

Reading your separate books on the couch together was a common occurrence.

You spent years trying to ignore the shift in how you viewed Azriel.

Neither of you are quite sure when you realized the change in your relationship, but one day you became very aware of how attractive you find him.

The shy and quiet boy quickly became the silent and mysterious male.

And Azriel isn’t quite sure when you went from being Cassian’s kinda annoying younger sister to a vivacious female with curves he can’t keep his eyes off of.

The emotional connection had been there for centuries through friendship, but once it became physical attraction, you both knew you were screwed.

One night after drinking at Rita’s, Cassian asked Azriel to make sure you got home safe.

The alcohol inhibits both of your judgements and you both end up in your bed that night.

“You don’t know how long I have wanted to do this. No other male even deserves the chance to try to make you feel as good as I do.”

He was your first (again because he scared away every single male who tried to come near you) and it was fucking adorable

Waking up next to your brother’s best friend is a different level of anxiety.

You freak out and tell him this absolutely cannot happen again. You make an effort to avoid being alone with him.

But obviously Azriel is not content with just one night after getting a taste of you.

He spends the next several weeks slowly breaking down your walls with sneaky touches and whispering dirty things in your ear when no one is watching.

Eventually you cave and end up at his door one night, pissed at him for succeeding, but also practically begging him to fuck you again.

And again. And again.

It took no time at all for the actual feelings to be revealed between you two and to start secretly dating.

And from there it’s months of sneaking around and pretending to be just friends in front of others.

Az feels sooo guilty about lying to his friend but you don’t want to tell Cassian because you know he will freak out.

He asks you so many times to tell Cassian because he hates lying to him.

And Rhys is so suspicious of you two but doesn’t want to interfere.

Eventually Cassian catches you two.

He enters Azriel’s room without knocking one night to ask some stupid question and finds Azriel with his face between your legs. We all know Az loves eating you out so obviously.

Cassian is pissed.

As in, he tries to fight Azriel.

But Azriel just lets him and doesn’t fight back because he knows he fucked up by not saying anything sooner.

You start screaming and put yourself between the two of them to get Cassian to stop, which makes Azriel immediately move to cover you in case Cassian doesn’t react quick enough to stop.

Cassian sees how protective Azriel is of you and how you were willing to throw yourself in front of Azriel to defend him and realizes this isn’t just some casual thing between you two.

It takes a couple days for him to forgive Azriel for lying. He forgives you within one day because you always have been able to use your puppy dog eyes on him to get what you want.

Eventually Cassian accepts your relationship.

But he threatens Azriel that if he ever hurts you, he will do something so severe that Az wouldn’t tell you what he said.

Cassian still makes an overdramatic scene of gagging every time you and Azriel are affectionate in front of him.

Which only makes you do it more to piss him off because that’s what sisters do.

[c1oud999]

hi

i just wanted to come on here and talk about my experience with spirituality. warning: longggg post ahead.

basically ive been in the spiritual community for YEARS now. ive had existential crisis since the age of 11 and ive gone through many phases of many different spiritual trends. from law of attraction, to witchcraft, to religious devotion, to law of assumption and now finally non dualism. i read books, meditated for hours and hours, talked to spiritual ppl from all walks of life and watched all the episodes of ganga upanishad (a show i still highly recommend, you can watch on youtube). all this childhood trauma and mental illness made me crave for sweet relief. but nothing really made sense until law of assumption. i thought that that would be it yk. i thought i was done searching but i think that was when i was searching for things the most. i do know i have it in my 4d, when will i see it? i thought i would get all my desires but did not meet success. and then the non dualism trend began and i hopped onto it like pretty much everyone else. i was bewildered at the stuff teachers kept saying. what do you mean everything's an illusion? there's no way that's true. my very real surroundings are causing me VERY real pain and suffering. oh no no there must be a deeper meaning behind all this. and so i read all the books in 4dbarbies drive, but nothing clicked. yes it made sense intellectually, but i didnt want to believe it bc where is the materialisation satisfaction here? also i felt none of the euphoria that was supposed to come with self realisation. which means i must not be a realised being. and then i cried and cried and cried, isolated myself, literally stopped going to school and just lay in bed all day. but ofc, i continued to read the tumblr posts like i had been doing for the past several years. and yesterday i read 4dkelly's post about giving up. it made sense. by the time i had finished reading the post i had truly given up on everything. on wanting, hoping, fearing, striving etc etc. i was SO tired. so i gave up. fell asleep. i woke up really late as usual and missed the school bus. i ate breakfast in silence, switched the tv on and lied down on the couch like always. and like always out of compulsion and force of habit i reached for my phone and looked up non dualism on twitter. and then i came across a tweet that said a simple sentence only- "nothing is ever actually happening." woah. that kinda drove me to the edge of the cliff i desperately wanted to jump off. i turned on some dnb background music and turned the shower on. i stood under the boiling hot water like some dramatic bitch and started piecing together the "puzzle". it all made so much sense now. i got out of the shower and left the house for the first time in months with a cute outfit and makeup on and everything. i went to the mall, bought candles, stickers, eye masks, coffee, and a doughnut with absolutely no social anxiety at all. i sat by window, read some poetry on my e-reader, cried, peered down at the floor below me and cried some more at the sight of little kids sitting on santa's lap and taking pictures and marveled at all the christmas decorations around me. it was insane. i decided i was going to be neutral towards everything but im in love. maddeningly so. in love with this dream that i thought did not love me back. but love is all there is. I AM ALL THERE IS. and i need you to take this literally. there is nothing happening. there is nothing here except you. nothing to fear, nothing to desire. ik a lot of people are going to dismiss this post because it's not a "materialisation success story" but i honestly dont think i can ever want anything physically bc in all its true essence, what is there to materialise? i am already whole and complete. i am lying on this cold hard floor, but i have never felt warmer. also ik there may be a lot of things ive written you might not agree with but again, this is NOT REAL. I AM. i hope this post helps you.

thank you to all the blogs ive come across and all the pointers they have shared: @se1f @realisophie @itgomyway @4dkellysworld @4dbarbie-backup @infiniteko @iamthat-iam and many more i cannot thank enough.

lots and lots of love (more than you can ever imagine), and good luck.

[pothosrays]

i am posting the links to your daily crows in a little discord server i'm in, theres a whole channel for it in the important channels section and the whole server looks forward to the crows every day. Thank you for the crows, you make the server very happy :]

im glad when people tell me things like this.. ive had many people come in my inbox and tell me that they send my crow art in discord servers every time theres an update religiously, and it is so sweet to me but i always feel so bad when im in hiatus from posting crows nowadays. cuz im like ahh im so sorry all these servers arent getting their food 🥺:(

i hope all are well in said servers. i appreciate everyones support for this series of mine with all sincerity and love, i try not to let anyone down </3.

however, i am severely burned out lately and have been experiencing a pretty bad mental health moment. so drawing at all has been rather difficult for me (and i miss it because i do love drawing :( !!)

but either way i appreciate anyone who continues to show support since i mean, i *have* drawn 900+ crows over the course of two years. theres plenty for people to look at.

i am always eternally grateful for all the traction my daily crow series gave me while i was still very active with it, and i love all my fans of it deeply since everyone has just taken the time to love my silly little cryptic bird drawings. I love that my daily crow fans send me kind words and share pictures of birds and plants they find to me, it has been a wonderful opportunity to share such things with people.

that being said, do keep in mind that "daily crow" is essentially done for in the respect of it being genuinely daily. most of the time i will just doodle a crow and assign it the tag and number, but it i am definitely not as creative or motivated with it as i once was to be able to do it daily. I wish to move onto different projects nowadays and hope people can love them too. My tumblr community especially is so supportive and sweet and i love y'all.

but thank you all for your support, always :) you're a wonderful little community of silly whimsical nature enjoyers, so please never stop being yourselves. i hope you can all take good care <3

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

would i be the asshole for contacting my ex to ask them if they could stop talking about me online to a community that knows who i am? (🥐)

tw: kinda emotionally abusive relationship

bg info

me (24f) and my ex (28) were in a three month relationship three years ago following a whole year of friendship. they were my first partner and i came out as a lesbian to everyone during our relationship. when we were together, they were 24 and i was 20. i was very emotionally dependent on them when i was 20 due to mental health issues and so were they which is probably one of the reasons why our relationship was as explosive as it was. i looked up to them, my whole emotional world revolved around them, and our friendship/relationship was the only thing i had in my life at the time. they constantly asked me "hey is it even ethical that im dating you, im 4 years older, you tell me please, oh i feel like such a bad person", yet, they still continued dating me every time they would ask.

our fights were horrible and truly explosive as they broke their stuff in front of me out of anger, threw things at me and insulted me as stupid, amongst many other things. our fights usually ensued because i would ask them for reassurance and they would start panicking and screaming at me to shut up. to be fair, i would cry every time i was asking for reassurance which probably made them feel scared about losing me, so i consider myself 50% at fault for everything that happened in our relationship, i shouldve been able to talk to them in a secure manner that wouldnt trigger their abandonment issues. our fights were quite jarring and made me walk out on them several times out of fear. yet i always came back and apologized and took the whole accountability, even though i dont consider myself the only one at fault. walking out several times during fights was probably one of the worst things i could have done but at the same time i was simply scared. even when i walked out after our last fight, they begged me to come back, which i did, i apologized under tears, and yet, told them that i cant promise them to stay no matter what.. and left.

we met through tumblr and were in a medium distance relationship. after our relationship, i went to a clinic and had to learn a lot about myself, what i experienced and what i want from life. im in a very happy and healthy place now and since the end of 2021 im with my current partner whom i want to be the love of my life and whom ive started to build a life with.

context

i have my ex blocked on all social media because they used to do hour long deep dives into my blog, even as of recently (i have statcounter installed for my safety bc im paranoid about them sending me anonymous asks). at first i also used to visit their blog after our break up but stopped doing so after moving on with my life. one year after breaking up i temporarily unblocked them and explicitly asked them not to look at my social media (or at least to do it in a way in which i dont notice aka asked them not to watch my instagram stories).

while i dont visit their blog/social media because i dont want to know whats going on in their life, tumblr mutuals frequently dm me stuff like "hey i think you should know that your ex posted about you/shit talks about something that you posted". i havent asked my mutuals to tell me whenever this happens but i imagine they do so because within the tumblr space we exist, everyone kind of knows everyone (so my ex doesnt have to mention my name for people to know who theyre talking about). sometimes mutuals send screenshots of the posts so that i dont have to visit my ex's blog. last ive heard my ex joked about throwing jewelry at me and posted extensively about a tattoo that i got. my ex's behavior makes me uncomfortable and feel just as helpless as i did back then.

why i might be the asshole

im scared that they might be venting because i was more at fault in the relationship than them and that i am unconsciously deflecting. however, i talked about every detail of the relationship and this fear extensively with my therapist, friends, and partner who are of the opinion that i was young, scared, and intertwined in a relationship that was incredibly toxic. im still unsure though because my emotions frequently triggered theirs.

why they might be the asshole

i asked them once to stop visiting my social media and i feel like venting about our relationship that broke off 3 years ago to a tumblr community of friends and acquaintances is kind of unfair. however, i might be the asshole and they might just need the space for venting. i could just ignore the vents and let them heal in their own way from what ensued.

WIBTA if i confronted them again and told them that i want them to stop talking about me online? or would i be a party pooper because every person needs a space for venting?

What are these acronyms?

[pub-lius]

Hyper niche question for my autism warrior: What was the perception of aide-de-camps during the AmRev like? I assume it would be viewed as a softer position - though of course, the extent would vary depending who your CO was - but many did see action and a few were reassigned so they could fight

Hey y’all… how y’all doing… i know its been yet another period of many moons since ive posted or answered (i hope this information is still relevant btw), but ive had a lot going on with getting a job, finding colleges, my mommy issues, travel, etc. anyway, im back, and im here to tell you about my main men

It actually was not viewed as a softer position at all! The station of aide-de-camp was highly desirable for several reasons, which i will describe approximately right now

1) people had to compliment you a LOT to get in

Most of the results I got from my research on this ask were letters of recommendation for potential aides-de-camp. Letters of recommendation were high honors for any station, especially for that of a military capacity. According to my favorite source on the American Revolution (which you should know by now), George Washington’s Indispensable Men by Arthur S. Lefkowitz, it was practically impossible to get a job as an aide-de-camp if you did not have a widely positive reputation or a letter of recommendation from someone reputable (or both if you wanted to clerk for the Commander-in-Chief).

I found one letter of recommendation from j*hn ad*ms that i think serves as a very good example of the sort of statements that could land you a seat at a Continental officer’s writing desk:

“There is another Gentleman of liberal Education and real Genius, as well as great Activity, who I find is a Major in the Army; his Name is Jonathan Williams Austin. I mention him, sir, not for the Sake of recommending him to any particular Favour, as to give the General an opportunity of observing a youth of great abilities, and of reclaiming him from certain Follies, which have hitherto, in other Departments of Life obscurd him.”

-John Adams to George Washington, June 19-20, 1775, Philadelphia, Pennsylvania (Founders Online, Washington Papers)

Those are my italics btw. These compliments are carefully chosen to suit the honor culture that was so pervasive throughout the 18th century and first half of the 19th century. A liberal education at the time was very hard to come by, and would be of great importance in a clerical position. Great activity also helps, because you dont want some lazy ass writing to Congress under your name, or god forbid George Washington himself, you might get hung (not really). The mention of youth is also intentional, since young men have always been preyed upon by the military. I think it’s especially noteworthy the final phrase of “reclaiming him from certain Follies”, which indicates that he might have previously had a negative reputation- whether it was warranted or not, im not sure.

2) the pay was fucking fire

For this we’re going to be utilizing my super amazing math scores that im renown for throughout the math community (yall dont know about my math tumblr), and we’re going to be using Alexander Hamilton as our lab rat, as per usual.

Alexander Hamilton joined Washington’s staff in early 1777 where a regular aide-de-camp (not a military secretary) made $33 dollars a month, which averages to about $1.10 a day. Meanwhile, according to the University of Missouri, the highest paid laborer in Massachusetts in the same year made $0.50 a day, which is about $15 a month, others making as little as about $0.22 a day, so around $7 a month. If you’re looking for ratios, by the end of the war, a pound of raisins was around $0.30. So, the highest paid Massachusetts laborer could save up every paycheck from 1777 to 1782 and buy 324 pounds of raisins, and Alexander fucking Hamilton could waltz up next to him and buy 712.8 pounds of raisins and rub it in his sad, poor face. And he wouldn’t even share because he was a congressman by that time and congressmen HATE THE POOR.

Disclaimer: Hamilton’s numbers dont include the time he quit the office bc I didn’t feel like googling how long he was away for and also i dont care. And yeah he probably would share his raisins with the guy, Hamilton was pretty nice, but i dont think he’d buy 712.8 pounds of raisins in Massachusetts anyway. Or maybe he would, I dont fucking know, stop asking me questions

3) it gave you a lot of street cred

There are many instances of aides-de-camps rising to higher status after their service, but i dont give a fuck about those nerds going into politics and law and stuff.

Most people now only know about Washington’s aides (or if you’re really autistic you know Lafayette’s too), but at the time, being an ADC to any general would get you fairly well known in society. General Sullivan’s aides seem to have been pretty well known and admired, as they are frequently mentioned in John Adams’ correspondence with other congressmen, as well as that of Benjamin Franklin with French diplomats all the way across the Atlantic.

But I imagine you’re also wondering (or at least i am) about what the everyday enlisted man thought of the ADCs, and that answer doesn’t really change. Of course, the men sitting out in the rain and mud without food for the past week are going to be envious of the guys who get to sleep in a house, but their quarters weren’t the most comfortable either. Aides-de-camp were probably the most connected out of the disconnected officers, if that makes sense. They weren’t fraternizing with the enlisted, but they were seen by them more frequently than the generals, and they were the ones advocating for the needs of the enlisted men. Even if they didn’t have any battle experience whatsoever (which really was never the case, i cant think of an aide who WOULDNT have seen battle), they would still be respected by the men as hardworkers and the only people who might actually get them food and clothes.

Thank you for the ask! I really enjoyed researching it and my family had a great time joking about me hunched over my ipad reading through the national archives while we all watched jeopardy, misspelling like every other word because its hard to type on an ipad. Im going to try to be more active, so please feel free to send further questions! I forgot how cathartic research is for me so id be very happy to do more. I have one more ask in my inbox i’ll try to get done sometime in the next few days. Love yall!

[sai-lec]

The Internet Tifosi

an informal reflection of online fan spaces by me, a recent member of the tifosi.

I love being part of the tifosi. I love the colour red. I love seeing the passion of the tifosi at races. I love Charles. I love Carlos. I love watching races and highlights from old team lineups I love the greats like Schumacher and Lauda and Prost I love Ferrari.

My path in f1 didnt start with Ferrari, it started with McLaren- my dad is a huge McLaren fan, he introduced me to Lando (and Carlos but primarily Lando) in lockdown and sure it didnt click with me right away; I watched some races with him, he showed me the highlights from the races I didnt watch with him (including several videos of Grosjean's infamous crash) and despite the fact that I wasn't heavily invested it gave us something to bond over. That September when I left home for university it gave us a reason to call each other. When I developed a genuine interest (after I decided I wasn't coming back home after I graduate university) my dad wasn't bothered by the fact that I had shown up at Christmas with a Ferrari hat on, in fact he took it off my head and tried it on himself; "do I look good as a Sainz fan?". From my dad introducing me to Lando, Carlos was the natural next step in immersing myself into the fan community. From Carlos, we found Charles and the Tifosi. I don't have many (or any) friends in real life with the same level of interest in Formula 1 that I have developed, naturally I found myself creating this blog hoping to find a community within online spaces that wasn't available to me in the digital world.

My experience within the tifosi has been... unique, to say the least. I have been engaged in online fan spaces since I was around 14- I made my Tumblr account in 2016 to talk about supernatural, before moving on to buzzed unsolved, and marvel and so on as my interests developed and changed. Within each of these communities I have found a group of people that I felt comfortable around enough to call them genuine friends. some of whom I still keep in contact with despite the fact that our interests have changed. that hasn't quite happened to the same extent with the internet's Tifosi; and there is a multitude of reasons why.

The 'Versus' Predicament

To be rather blunt for a moment- I have never been part of a community that has been filled with so much vitriol for other members, and I was part of the Marvel fandom when Civil War was released (team cap). In fact, it seem that the tifosi are constantly engaged in a Civil War of their own- devoted fans of Charles as the self-labelled Lecfosi and Team55 practically always appear to be at odds with each other. And publicly so.

It is natural for people to have a favourite driver- we've just discussed how ive come to find myself as a devotee to Team55. But as with other areas, fan spaces have seen negative impact in communication due to internet dependancy in recent years.

From my perspective, the issue appears to be a mixture of cancel culture and virtue signalling. Now cancel culture is in itself a manifestation of virtue signalling in which creators or whomever else face mass criticism and attempted deplatforming as the internet becomes aware of potentially problematic past or present behaviour; however given its internet context and usage I've elected to view it as a separate entity.

Internet fan spaces have regressed to a state of defensiveness- in order to promote and validate your approval of one subject you must justify why in comparison to another. This is where the effects of cancel culture come into play. Cancel culture reached its peak performativity during quarantine as the internet and social media became the primary method of protesting and spreading awareness of activism whilst maintaining social distancing and quarantining requirements. As morality became monitored and policed by a younger and younger average user base, it is natural that there was a bastardisation of the phenomenon resultant in the mass cancelling and calling out of any person who spoke or acted in a manner that wasn't deemed correct; not necessarily related to politics or activism at this point, I myself received an influx of mass hatred and cancellations to the point where I was borderline shunned by an entire gaming community for making a joke about everyone hating one of the event mini games ('whats everyones favourite game and why is it not buildmart').

This same mindset is so visibly present within the Tifosi today- both extremes find themselves comparing one driver to the other in order to justify their favour. For example, tensions have been high with Lecfosi and Team55 almost in a panicked state looking to justify why they chose to support their favourite driver with 'Carlos is gifted every achievement Charles would have beaten him if he wasn't held back ' and 'Ferrari fired the wrong driver' filling the comments of Ferrari's Instagram and Twitter posts. This has prompted fans to flock to defend their preferred driver, often in ways which contribute to the animosity. Drivers face this pseudo-cancellation as a result with twitter bios seeing additions of 'Carlos fans din' 'if you like CL16 unfollow me' after every race. Criticisms of the drivers themselves increase, they are placed under heavier scrutiny as the violence between fans increases leading to a never-ending circle of driver-to-fan hatred. it is seen as almost a moral failure within fan spaces to support the wrong driver.

I, personally, have witnessed arguments between fans in comment sections on tiktok- the most memorable being a 'share your favourite driver and why' tiktok in which a Carlos fan received comments of 'Well you know Charles is actually better because x y z'. (I'd like to point out this is not an antagonisation of Charles fans, but this is what actually happened nor am I excusing Team55 from the ability to make similar comment). The notable point here is that Charles was never mentioned, yet the mere fact of someone else preferring the wrong driver in this commenter's eyes lead to them purposefully targeting another Ferrai fan to chastise them on their decision effectively boiling the interaction down to 'you're not allowed to support this driver because I don't like him'.

This is where virtue signalling comes into play. For those unaware, virtue signalling is the public expression of opinion with the intent of alignment with a moral correctness. The internet especially in fanbases weaponises that frequently through the examples of 'dni of you support x' as discussed prior. The followup to that mindset is the feeling of requirement to discuss. For example, when a driver races poorly or is subjected to penalty, fan spaces will see an influx of posts demanding fans to defend their driver (How can you support him when he drives like that), mass criticising the driver (he doesn't deserve his seat why isn't he fired), or public statement of disapproval because of the social requirement to misalign yourself with the incorrect actions of another person without genuine belief behind the statement as oftentimes excuses will be made for their preferred person in a similar situation. At times it appears that the primary interaction of some people within the Tifosi is to engage in critical commentary on their disliked drivers.

Criticism? Or extreme negativity?

With call out and cancel culture leaving the political sphere it has severely impacted the positivity of fanbases as criticism becomes a primary, almost necessary, aspect of fan culture. Of course we talk about critical consumption in which you are able to analyse and evaluate the content which we consume and become aware of its biases and flaws, however this has snowballed to become criticise everything you consume. Thus, the animosity of the fan spaces rises once more.

Of course every driver is bound to face warranted criticism- the majority of the grid are socially unaware rich white men, they are destined to say or do something worth criticising. They are bound to say bitchy things and act in ways that you don't agree with because that is just the nature of humanity, everyone does these things. But that does not mean every single one of their actions are worth dissecting under the microscope. And the prevalent attitude of analysing drivers mannerisms, behaviours emotions and heat-of-the-moment radios and comments doesn't display the analytical eye a lot of people think it does.

A lot of attitudes in the 2024 spaces that I have personally seen have centred a Carlos negativity- there have been dire criticisms of the journalistic bias towards him across the first 3 races of the year. Of course, if you don't like him then you're bound to be tired of hearing about him. But what I found interesting was the theories being circulated that he was paying his way into the media or that there was a behind-the-scenes scheme to keep media interest on him. Now, a lot of people perceived this to be a theory based on the culture surrounding Sainz's family wealth and his father's influence when in reality it was likely to be because of the increased interest around his circumstances going into the season- no seat for 2025, rumoured negotiations with several teams, surgery and first non Red Bull win of the season. to analyse this situation critically is not to say 'well there must be a secret reason and I will investigate' but to recognise that journalism is reliant on attention grabbing headlines- a man with no job and no appendix winning a race while still in the post-surgery recovery period is exactly the kind of narrative that will garner clicks. It would have been the same had it have been any other driver in that specific set of circumstances. There is a difference between critical thinking and assumptive analyses and oftentimes they can become conflated in the desire to prove a point.

This is the issue- a lot of people engage analytically with media in order to suggest a particular narrative. Every person is subject to bias, and when that bias is unchecked it can lead to a lot of analysis that are reliant on theory, speculation and assumption in order to maintain the subconscious perspective of the writer. This is why we see a lot of people use demeaning nicknames towards Charles on twitter an simultaneously view Carlos as undeserving in instagram comments- the integral points of their perspective on the driver rest on the moments which will develop their narrative view of the driver as the lesser. Critical engagement cannot rest solely on one the positive or the negative, otherwise you failing to engage critically by cherry picking a perspective in order to maintain a narrative. That is tabloid journalism, or gossip, at best.

I Am In Misery

It is also just not healthy for you as a fan to consistently engage in negative commentary and discourse. I mean that seriously this is a PSA if your fan engagement sees your negative criticism and commentary of your disliked driver outweigh the time you spend enjoying your interest then you need to take a step back and reassess how you want to participate because that is not sustainable for your mental wellbeing.

This is not to say that you must never hate, you must never criticise or say anything bad about someone we all do it- it's natural. But you have to ask yourself if you truly enjoy using another driver to uplift your favourite. Aren't his accomplishments enough to validate him alone?

Ive noticed a complete lack of will to celebrate- in my inbox right now are maybe around 15 asks all talking about how I shouldn't be happy with this weekends performance or else I dont understand F1. I argue the inverse,

I understand F1. I understand that this weekend was not the best performance Ferrari had to offer. I understand the impact of the team racing each other and Carlos' aggression during the sprint. And I have mentioned as much. However, I choose to focus on the positive aspects of the weekend. The tyre management from both drivers was impeccable to gain 2 positions each and maintain them finishing on tyres that were 40 laps old. They made an excellent recovery from the mishaps in qualifying that ultimately earned the team and themselves more points. We maintain 2nd in the constructors championship and 3rd and 4th in the drivers. There are issues that need to be discussed and resolved but ultimately this is not the worlds worst performance.

F1 is entertainment. I want to win, I want to succeed but I also want to be entertained. My mental health has seen a series uptick since I decided to directly seek entertainment. Sure, the drivers shouldn't have been racing the way they were, it had the potential to put both cars in a detrimental position, but it sure does make things more interesting!!! There's almost a sense of parasocialism within the community- a lot of people are hesitant to look for relief beyond the emotions of their favourite driver, and subsequently view every race as a failure in some aspect (just outside of the podium, on the podium but not p1, could've done better if it wasn't for xyz) and that negatively affects their experience as a fan and for other fans who don't share that perspective. It's almost like people have forgotten to enjoy the race, they're so preoccupied with looking for something to criticise.

Now this isn't to say you're not allowed to enjoy critical assessments of the success of races. But thats not what the majority of us are posting (it might be what some of you think you're posting, but you're not). I love watching video essays on races that are done properly with acknowledgement and awareness of bias. I don't love reading posts along the lines of 'why this race actually sucked' (not a real example) because it's not built from an analytical or critical perspective, just a discussion of the race and outcome through a lens of destructive pessimism.

End

This behaviour isn't specific to the Tifosi, it's an internet wide phenomenon. But I've chosen to directly comment on it here because as I said, I've never sen a community with so much hatred for itself. As of 2024, we are all on the same team right now. We have the right to hold our own opinions of the drivers and express those. We do not have the right to argue on the validity of other fans preferences, we do not have the right to directly enter fan spaces (ie the main tags) and spread destructive negativity about a driver nor do we have the right to harass blogs for whom they chose to support.

The inherent negativity is so calamitous to the community. It perpetuates the infighting, it furthers the negative narratives we have constructed of drivers, it only contributes to divide the community as both sides earn reputations of being toxic towards each other. And to an extent, yes . It is true, and that is disappointing. You have the right to choose your favourite driver. However, Charles and Carlos are both talented drivers- there is no need to drag one down to uplift the other. It is instigating behaviour and I'm sure a lot of people comment in that manner purposefully.

Be aware of your parasocial connection to a driver. if you find yourself criticising a driver for an action that you would not criticise your favourite for executing ask yourself why you view the action as negative circumstantially. If you are only able to assess races based on what could have happened, what better could have happened then ask yourself if you find this enriching; do you leave race weekends feeling good and excited for the next race or soured because things might have been better under different circumstances. Don't ignore the problems, acknowledge them and say but what are the positives as opposed to letting the failures undermine the successes.

just have a bit of fucking fun once in a while PLEASE .

as an endnote: I do recognise that the majority of insights and examples I have given in this reflection have been at the expense of team 55, again I would like to reiterate that as someone who primarily finds themself in 55 spaces I a naturally experience a greater exposure to negativity towards that driver as it usually tends to be maintagged or sent directly to myself or other 55 centric blogs. Just as the CL16 community is more likely to be exposed to and remember hatred towards Charles. In no way am I insinuating that 55 fans are incapable of or have not acted in the the same nature, to Charles' detriment. The toxicity remains prevalent on both extremes of the community.

this is a mass response to the people in my inbox thank you for your patience I didnt want to answer like 15 different asks about everything in slightly different ways

[saintjosie]

I agree the joke was tasteless, no intention of defending it, but assuming bad-faith is a very good way to make using the internet a miserable experience. I'm not saying you have to take the time to educate people who are wrong and saying horrendously stupid or out of touch shit. I'm just saying life got easier for me when I approached situations like that with the perspective of "what's the least hostile reason they could be saying this" bc 9/10 times unless someone is spewing actual hate speech or making threats their either just uniformed or phrased things poorly leading to misunderstanding.

Anyway I hope people stop bothering you about this.

im getting a lot of these in my inbox and this one is one of the nicer ones so im just gonna respond about demilypyro this once

look i get it. i really do. ive been doing tiktok for years and that first year was absolutely miserable because i didnt know how to do that. now, 95% of the time, i just block and move on cause it genuinely isnt worth my time to care about it.

and what ive found is that directly addressing hate speech pretty much goes nowhere and is just bound to end up in frustration for me and fuel for the fire elsewhere.

but i promise that im not just reading with bad-faith intentions. this isn't the first time that something that demilypyro has said that has rubbed me the wrong way. and tbh, i had no idea who she was until i got on tumblr and i saw a lot of people circulating the occasionally very funny things she has to say. i do my best to give people the benefit of the doubt (especially on text based social media) but after following her for a second and seeing a lot of "shitposts" that were questionable at best and several that were just downright distasteful, i decided that i didnt care for her and unfollowed and moved on and since shes fairly popular on here, i also started unfollowing people who would rb her too.

recently i had to unfollow someone who said something incredibly icky involving minority consent and so i went through and followed some people who had followed me and who i thought posted funny things bc thats mostly what im here for. and one of those people just so happened to rb something she said that just triggered me so hard with the sheer stupidity and harmfulness of it.

i have a very very sore spot for religious trauma (something ive always been super open about) and i have little to no tolerance for when people say dumb privileged things AND i have little to no tolerance for specifically when white (or in this case white passing) trans femmes specifically say privileged things. and this just hit all of those spots. it was quite cathartic for me to say what i said and i have no doubt that there's gonna be a lotta people who disagree and unfollow. there's some people who will get it, a lot of people who won't, and maybe even some people who might change their minds and this is important enough to me that it's worth it.

[voluptuarian]

Favorite Movie Costumes (pt. 1)

Recently got the line-up-your-toys urge to list and discuss my favorite tv and movie costumes-- my favorites are many and tumblr's image limit is low, so I'm not sure how many posts this'll eventually spread to, but here's the first crop.

The Queen's red gown - The Brother's Grimm

I don't think anyone on earth wanted to love this movie more than I did when it came out-- sadly, the film itself was generally a letdown. However, its costumes absolutely delivered, which should come as no surprise since they were designed by Gabriella Pescucci. The costumes for Monica Belluci's queen are my favorites of all, but this piece, the one she wears for most of the movie, may be my favorite costume of all time.

The costume has several iterations; it's paired most prominently with her enormous horned headdress (my fave), but she also wears it with a more delicate tiara.

Marianne de Morangias' red riding habit - Brotherhood of the Wolf

Although Brotherhood of the Wolf is far from a good movie, I have a terrible soft spot for it, which is mostly due to its wonderful costumes, including a crowd of hunting costumes throughout, none more gorgeous than the one Marianne's debuts during the film's first hunt.

I probably owe my love of riding habits to American Girl's Felicity and her swoon-worthy green velvet habit-- they are sadly underused in movies (meanwhile Marianne not only wears this red habit, but also shows off an equally beautiful green one later.)

Christine Daae's masquerade dress - The Phantom of the Opera

Fun fact, I watched this movie as a teenager (after falling in with the inescapable junior high theater nerd crowd, who tried unsuccessfully to use this as a gateway drug to getting me hooked on musicals), then forgot about the vast majority of the costumes, and stumbled upon it again years later without realizing it was from a movie and completely fell in love with it.

I'm very fond of the early 1870s silhouette in general, long trains in particular, and the back of this one is what really sold me. The frothy layers of chiffon?? the flowers?? the graceful tiered bustle?? Obsessed. (Another fun fact, this is one of the references I always bring up when discussing potential wedding dresses.)

Imogen Spurnrose's red ensemble - Carnival Row

I know, another red velvet number ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ Imogen's wardrobe is full of lovely quasi-Victorian pieces, but this one had me GASPING when it came on screen. These pictures do not do the color or vibrancy of that jacket justice!

Geilis Duncan's white ballgown - Outlander

I'm usually not a fan of stripped down historical styles, especially ones this anachronistic, but something about the minimalist design of this dress just charmed me.

It reminds of in some way of artistic undress in 17th century portraits, and the lightness of the colors and material has this clean, airy, almost White Lady quality to it, and the simplicity and limited accessorizing really brings out the period silhouette. (Also I adore lover's eyes).

Vanessa Ives' lace blouse - Penny Dreadful

Vanessa has a gorgeous wardrobe (Gabriella Pescucci hitting it out of the park again) containing a number of delicate black and white blouses, but this one is my favorite.

The design is not that complex, but the wealth of tiny details, especially the petal shaped blackworked collar and cuffs, give it a huge visual punch; paired with the decorative belt and beautiful black skirt it's a very unique look that shows off some of the most beautiful elements of the period (last photo courtesy @periodcostumefantasylover)

Lorna's church dress - Lorna Doone

YES another red number. And what a red!! This miniseries is so obscure I had to do my own (butt ugly) screencaps off Youtube, but despite being a fairly modest production, they do some nice 17th century looks in it.

This dress is glimpsed for a moment as Lorna catches sight of her separated lover through the crowd-- very dramatic, but unfortunately it means getting a good look at the beautiful dress is hard, but I did my best: here's the actual scene, if you want a better look (and I'd recommend the series, too!)

Virginia Wilson's Worth dress - 1899

Big shock, the replica House of Worth dress made it in *Oprah shrug* I've adored the original dress for years, so I went nuts seeing it on the show! On top of just top tier everything, the costuming on 1899 was great, and the fact that they decided to throw this dress in was just the cherry on top.

There are some minimal differences between this dress and its inspiration, most notably the change in pattern-- Virginia's dress not only incorporates the alchemical logo like all the rest of the characters, but the rounded edges in the original are all made jagged to match it, as you can really see in the last photo.

---- on to part 2!

[sleepanonymous]

Hi!! I'm kind of new here and I was wondering if you could help me with a question I've been trying to find the answer to! When did IV 1 leave? Was it after This Place Will Become Your Tomb? Thank you and I hope you have a good week!

Hello Anon 🖤 Welcome to the fandom. I’m glad you’re here. As for your question, I took it too seriously 😅 I also feel guilty for lazily lumping the previous two IVs together in the OG IV tag I use, which may be adding to the confusion I’ve seen cropping up here on Tumblr about Sleep Token’s Touring members.

TLDR Answer: The first IV stopped touring with Sleep Token in late 2018, several months before Sundowning was released.

Much longer and convoluted answer: The source I originally had gave an obligatory 2020 date for the first IV and the Keyboardist leaving Sleep Token as touring musicians. I always took that year at face value, but I’m glad I did a deep dive into this for you because I’ve found something interesting (or maybe I’m just weird, idk). The last show I know for certain that the first IV played with Sleep Token was at St Pancras Old Church in October 2018 (YouTube link). I could have sworn Sleep Token played more shows in 2018 after October, but I’m not finding much online to support that. The first show I can find that Sleep Token played following the one in 2018 was when they opened for Baby Metal in July 2019 (YouTube link). This show has the guitarist who replaced the first IV (whom I’ve confusingly dubbed OG IV) Interestingly, he also plays the keys instead of Vessel, which I’ve never seen before. This is also the first performance with the Vesselettes as far as I can tell. I did some more digging, even though this technically wasn’t your question, but the first show I found that has our current IV was, surprisingly, the Download 2021 show I just posted about (Tumblr link) where the poor guy was so shy and standing off to the side and didn’t move.

Since I'm on a rant, I also want to mention that I had someone tell me recently that III was also replaced as a touring member at some point? As far back as I could go with live videos (there's nothing readily accessible before 2018) he looks like the same guy? It's the same Warwick bass guitar at least. If anyone has some more concrete information on that, I'd very much appreciate it 🖤

[jerrsterrr]

hey guyssshahgahgahaaaaaaahhaaaa

obligatory silly posting about my ocs/sonas!!!!!!! and. me

and the amongus crewmates because i made a joke on insta that my followers were little guys and it was a silly "where do u wanna be on the drawing" w my mutuals over there :3

those characters are like my sort of sonas in my little oc world, the mind, body and heart!! i have this lil goober with headphones to more accurately represent me ^___^

(LMAO THIS WAS THE ONLY PIC I COULD FIND)

Theres like a big biiiigg storyline as these three being main characters thats going on here with several different characters that i wish to update more accurately on my Toyhouse and i have several posts on my instagram but i decided to use tumblr as to rant and ykno fanboy about my own ocs aswell!!!!!!!!! lol

okay long infodump that probably makes little sense my bad

The way it goes is themed after infinite realities, death,, living and basically heaven? Which i came up with after having like several years of haunting dreams LOL

For the longest time since i was little ive had dreams of being in some sort of messed up apocalypse so thats what the mind is from!! His name is Xiety and he looks like me when i had those dreams, or like some fucked up bird thing heheh

After all that though i started having dreams where i was,, different people sort of?? Dreams with different povs or dreams where i lived entire different lives. Thats Jerri! the body.

The last little guy is called matthew and isnt based off any dreams but more based off the feeling i get when i realize im dreaming. Ive never lucid dreamed but ive always had like a moment to realize "this isnt my life" and im just like viewing whats happeining o_0

All together i made a story for when they get sort of seperated, Xiety, the mind is seperated from the two in a apocalyptic world they have control over and hides the heart (matthew). The body being basically a carbon copy of itself just wanders around this world. Jerri cant remember how they got there or where they are from, but they die, over and over and over. Until eventually, they find the heart, in some rubble, and they sort of gain concious enough to realize "um im stuck in infinite zombie reality hell and this is NOT my reality" they take the plush and try to survive, but xiety kinda catches on and feels betrayed by this. He cant comprehend why on earth the body would want to live knowing what he knows (news flash only the mind knows what he knows of their og reality) HENCE the breaking out and being stuck in a infinite inbetween of constant realities woooo. Jerri and Matthew try to find to find the og reality, going through different bodies, meeting different minds and dying in ALOT of them. It becomes kinda clear that in most realities NONE of them do they live or are happy LMAO

that was like a shitty simplification BUT BESIDES ALLAT they litterally stumble into heaven and meet gods and Reapers and souls BUT they cant stay which SUCKS cuz imagine losing it it and one day people see you for yourself and you cant STAY cuz ur technically not dead just abstracted into peices and yaddah yaddah more ocs hehehe

(ALSO BASED ON A DREAM I HAD)

anyways heres a silly video i made with all of em:

ALSO ALSO OBLIGATORY TAG @moenmomentsthemoe-en

:333333

[wygolvillage]

a new year's resolution

well, as of 2024 i’ve decided i will no longer be posting on tumblr... this shouldnt be the hugest surprise since ive been pretty critical of staff, the over-monetization of the website, the site culture, and the user experience for the past year and gradually reducing my time spent scrolling the ol’ dashboard- ive even mentioned my intent to eventually leave; well, that eventually is now! gradually ive found myself analyzing the effect that using tumblr for 7+ years has had on me, and the effects of social media in general.

ive never had to write a goodbye letter like this before. while ive joined and left several online platforms over the years, its always been a gradual fade in interest rather than a conscious decision to stop. never have i used a platform as long as ive used tumblr, over 1/3 of my life. ive grown up with tumblr, for better or worse. how do you write a goodbye for that? i guess ill have to try my best. because as important as tumblr was for me, ive recognized the way its hurt me too.

finding other avenues of online self-expression particularly has made me think a lot about this. when i edit my website i feel accomplished, happy, and content, feeling i have put something of myself out into the world, my seed to grow and garden to tend. when i scroll through tumblr i feel as if my brain is mostly idle, and when i do emotionally respond its often out of anger or annoyance, because anger = engagement and social media sites like tumblr WANT engagement. particularly because i have OCD ive found myself upset by certain aspects of tumblr discourse culture, as well- it is basically the Scrupulosity Website and much of the way i react to and interact with media has been colored by my years spent absorbing the viewpoints of said Scrupulosity Website! i even used to look up discourse topics on tumblr just to anger myself on purpose, which is a dangerous road to go down, to build up Enemies and Factions in your mind- this is how discourse culture works. the culture of tumblr teaches you to see the world in black and white, and to feel like youre always in danger of compromising your moral purity or being attacked by the morally impure. If You Don’t Reblog This You Are A Bad Person. even as someone who nowadays tries to stay away from discourse entirely, its still there in the back of my mind, because the way we interact on this website is colored by this. when im online i dont actually want to be angry all the time! in fact i like putting my effort towards more positive stuff. but additionally: tumblr made me unhappy but it also made me an addict

and yeah social media addiction sounds like a silly boomer thing to complain about but one thing i noticed when i started trying to curb my time spent on tumblr was that opening the site was damn near compulsive. we all know those “open tumblr, close tumblr, open tumblr again immediately after” memes but that did describe my behavior pretty accurately. the draw and allure of social media feeds is powerful, if i accidentally click the youtubes short tab ill find myself a half hour later scrolling through random shit i don't care about and asking well how the hell did i get here? i dont even like that stuff! tumblr is no different no matter how much the site tries to coast on the reputation of being the last social media that's a “remnant of the old web” and “has no algorithm”. i like my chronological dash but it is equally as addicting to scroll through the thousands of people ive followed over the years, as it is to scroll through the algorithmic feeds of youtube shorts, because that's just social media!

and kicking addiction is pretty damn hard. before 2023, i made two separate attempts at reducing my tumblr usage and both fell through within a week due to that addiction. for reference this current bought of thoughts about reducing my tumblr usage and making my online/irl balance more healthy, around the start of 2023 when i began working on my website and its taken me an entire year to wean myself off of the hellsite, bit by bit. theres a point where it stopped being a conscious act, and even as i was carefully whittling down how often i use tumblr with extensions like leechblock i still had that compulsion go off multiple times every day, its a really strange feeling. but now that ive found so many more ways to express myself online, i just feel more whole now... i guess what im saying is that when i post on tumblr my first instinct is to complain or wallow about something, when i post on my own handmade blog on my website i always want to talk about things that excite me or make me happy! and its been such a tangible change in the way i think and act and im certain its because of the way social media and tumblr have their own “societal expectations” and structure that is built to feed on this negativity loop.

and a lot of the biggest shifts happened when i began immersing myself in the ideals of the web revival, while creating my own website. finding things that genuinely interested me and niches i want to occupy made me so much happier. i know we make a lot of jokes about having mutuals we never talk to that mean the world to us and i do think that is indicative of something. like, when i post on a forum full of strangers i am engaging with more “face to face” (or the digital equivalent) communication than i do with years-long mutuals. how genuine are these connections, this dashboard, the enjoyment i got from that meme post ill forget in 10 minutes? (not to say that i don’t genuinely care abt my followers and mutuals. ykwim?) i can still get all the things i enjoy out of tumblr in a more curated form via rss feeds; ive been so much more proud of what i post and create and code on my website. what am i here for? i gradually realized that i am losing absolutely nothing when i “miss out” or block tumblr on my phone or what have you.

since starting working on my neocities site ive felt so much creative drive. ive created whole interactive essays and worlds and games and writings and so many things i could never host on social media. my website is a place of my very own, and ive been learning the value of focusing on what i put out into the net compared to what i take from it. its made me feel so much more fulfilled when i spend time online.

and let's not forget about staff. i have broader issues with how automattic in particular has gone about running the site. the ads only took up more and more of the dashboard, and every month it felt like there was some new paid feature doomed to never take off. all while the user experience gradually degraded. using the site without browser extensions to fix the ui and block the ads and tumblr live and all the other shit they threw all over the place makes it look like its ridden with viruses, and i think the fact that its become so normalized to feel like we have to stay in spaces that become increasingly hostile to us, even while the internet is so vast, is really strange (i mean, i also thought that way at first). but Anyway. so much time and effort was spent on features no one liked or wanted in some desperate attempt to get a little extra money, while staff members get in public fights with users who complain about getting monetization shoved down their throat. its so openly pathetic. the merch store had mostly mediocre designs and the digital tumblrmart is absolutely full of useless digital goods with free alternatives. considering this is a userbase that gladly donates to other sites donation drives for hosting costs (i.e. ao3, wikipedia, internet archive), i am shocked that staff never considered the obvious answer of a fucking donation drive once a year or so! the ceo telling people with concerns about the ads being unsafe for epilepsy to “just pay the ad free subscription” is one of the most disgusting things ive ever heard from someone officially representing such a platform. do not be fooled by the reputation tumblr has cultivated: all that it cares about is making money from you. tumblr is “in danger” because it can't turn a profit- because a profit is all they care about!

so why stay here when im happier elsewhere, apart from the addictive compulsion? that's what ive been thinking through for nearly a year, realizing that i have no reason to, and that weaning myself off of the addiction is in my best interest. i can create and blog and have fun online and connect with others and follow other peoples work all without the need for tumblr anymore! and i think id be all the healthier for it.

over the past year ive truly fallen in love with the internet again and ive loved putting myself out there, unrestrained in ways i havent felt since i was very young. but nonetheless ive learned a lot on tumblr, ive had some of the worst and best experiences of my online life, and i dont doubt that i would be a much different person if i had never been a tumblr user for as long as i was. but i had to break out of this shell eventually.

i keep going over this wondering how i can express every feeling in my head, how i can word everything just a little better, how i can make the perfect goodbye. but i think this will have to suffice.

you can still keep up with me online here:

-explore my website: i keep it consistently updated and im always adding new things and writing new posts on my blog! you can even speak to me directly on the site! if you sign my guestbook or use my chatbox ill try to respond :) if theres anything on this list you do id like it to be this one! i worked hard on it! you can even send me chat messages on my homepage! just keep in mind it may not display everything right on most mobile browsers, but it should be mostly navigable...

you can also subscribe to my rss feed. if you don't know what rss is, it allows you to use a feed reader to keep up with updates from sites all over the internet! my rss feed will notify you whenever ive made a new post on my blog or made an interesting edit on my site id like you to take a peek at :0 convenient, right?

you can also email me at wygolvillage@gmail.com to message me directly. if you prefer im also “wygolvillage” on discord

thank you and happy new years :) thanks for seeing me off as i sail to a new sunrise <3

[dragonsampersanddragons]

One thing I don't really hear people talk about is how having your special interest as the basis of your job changes it.

it's still my sp int. I still love it. i still can spend hours going down a rabbit hole to learn new details about it. but now. now I *have* to do that. my pay depends on how well i can learn about, whether i'll have a stable job with a good salary ten years from now depends on how much I can impress other people with how good i am with it. now it is Work.

some days i have to force myself to sit down and Do Work. the Work in question is researching my sp int. but ive spent the past week working my ass off trying to figure out this concept and i have a deadline coming up and im stressed and i want to relax. but i have to do the Big Scary Task. I sit in bed scrolling tumblr telling myself i need to get up. i need to go do work. i need to go sit down at my desk and pull out my papers and spend several hours engaging with my sp int because i have a big assessment coming up and I need to be *ready*, but instead i sit there in bed, scrolling through tumblr.

and. i still love it. it is my sp int. but its not carefree anymore. it isnt relaxing the way it used to be. i worry if im good enough. i have to be careful not to get burnout - get burnout from doing my special interest.

my other big sp int, dragons, isn't like that. that one is still much the same as it always have been. i can go look at art of dragons, go read stories about dragons, go daydream about possible societal effects dragons the size of small hills that live for a few thousand years. and its fun and relaxing nonsense.

this sp int used to be like that too.

and yet. at the same time. this is *still* my sp int. it's just different now. I still easily fall into a hyperfocus with it, i still get excited, i love it. and ive started engaging with it at a deeper level than i do with dragons. i am always being given little tidbits to explore, and then paid to explore them, to teach about them. I get to teach students about what i love more than anything. i love what i do, i love thinking about where it can take me.

I think about my relationship with this sp int when i was fifteen. at fifteen, it was fun, light, relaxing. at fifteen, i thought it was neat. i played in the shallow water and loved it. but now? its heavy. almost every day, i find out something new or put something together that deepens my understanding. i know it intimately, and will only learn more in years to come, and each thing i learn only makes me love it more.

but even so. sometimes i go weeks or months having to remind myself that yes i do love this. i get so caught up in the grind that i sometimes struggle to love it. i do love, i really do. but not in the same way that I loved it when I was fifteen.

[shigayokagayama]

maybe a weird question, but do you have any recommendations for non-mob psycho media? I’ve been in search of something that hits similarly/is as well made and I trust your judgement o wise one. I’m not super picky, so recs of any kind would be appreciated :)

im like the worst person to take media recommendations from because you have to tie me down to watch something new and then i get obsessed with it forever, in terms of things ive seen recently that hit the same tumblr is NOT lying dungeon meshi is really good and if you start watching now you're gonna be watching at the part where it starts getting crazy

other stuff ive been into (gets progressively less mob psycho and generally more depressing like the further down we go bc i tend to get into really, really sad shit):

-i <3 deltarune but everyone has already played that. deltarune good. if you havent played deltarune play deltarune. genuinely like it more than undertale. also if the last chapter of deltarune is just the confession arc i called it and deserve a million dollars

-same w spiderverse. listen usually i dont care about superhero stuff but god these movies are good and i really hope they stick the landing.

-everything everywhere all at once continues to be one of my favorite movies ever

-rainworld (video game, very difficult but skurry's playthroughs do a good job summarizing the plot and general vibe of each route if you wanna watch those. i watched my friend play survivor ages ago and ive been playing through survivor with a friend on multiplayer and decided to watch some playthroughs to get a feel for the map and GOD DAMN the story of this game. rivulet route almost made me cry.) fair warning this is animal death the video game.

-severance (live action tv show, general plot is some sort of dystopian future where they invent a surgery where you can seperate your work self from your normal self so you clock into work and then black out until your shift is over. except your work self is just stuck at work forever. only 9 episodes but very, VERY good)

-i actually really enjoyed the scott pilgrim comics and the anime i wish anyone ever could be normal about them. id definitely suggest comics (if you can handle the 2000s humor) then anime. also basically everyone knows this but fair warning that starting out the main character is in his early 20s dating a 17 year old, it is explicitly treated as a shitty thing by the narrative and theres nothing explicit and its made very clear that he has 0 feelings for her whatsoever and is just using her as an ego boost but if youre sensitive to that stuff i might skip this one

-lots of webcomics about animals. i read so many webcomics about animals its like. my main media intake. this is part of the reason that i dont understand complaints about the art style my favorite webcomic looks like this

its called doe of deadwood and ill think about it until the day i die. others im currently reading (since this one wrapped a while ago) are "what lurks beneath" (cat cult on an island) "waves always crash" (cat cult on the beach) "i didnt know" (cat cult in a barn), toufati sawa (hyena trying to avenge her clan) and africa (leopard trying to survive the harshening world with her cubs) warning for animal death with all of these and general abuse warning for all those cat cult ones bc. cults.

-i like warrior cats. do not read warrior cats. its not very good and youll get stuck here forever.

-pathologic but the actual game and not just people describing the game please watch someone play the actual game summaries skip so much of the meat of the story and the characters. or play the game if you can bear learning to strategically quicksave. fair warning there is a lot of racism depicted against indigenous people in these games and while the framing of it generally aires on the side of "racism bad" there are a lot of kinda shitty tropes that come with it.

-listen bojack horseman is one of my shows it is the polar opposite of mob psycho in like every way and i would never in a million years recommend it if you want something that hits like mob psycho but if we're asking for just things i enjoy this is one of them. heavy cw for drug usage and abuse with this one. might want to give "does the dog die" a look for this one bc people are not joking about how heavy this show is

-same with hospice. hospice is a concept album about a hospice worker and a patient and has had more of an influence on me than any other piece of media ever bc i found it at the exact perfect time in my life for it to be relevant to my circumstances and now its like part of my identity. heavy cw for abuse also

-speaking of concept albums hey have you listened to tyler the creator he has several. WOLF especially i really like because the plot is actually like. kinda intricate. he also says the f slur a lot in WOLF but hes bisexual so diversity win?

-succession good. tw for like. everything though. probably "does the dog die" this one.

-hey have you ever watched david lynch's 1972 film "eraserhead"

[cupoftaae]

Forever and a day (KTH x READER) series♡

Summary: Your lifelong friend is forced to face his true feelings for you once he breaks the number one rule of becoming friends with benefits: dont fall in love. He knows he loves you, but you on the other hand need more convincing of the most important thing: the right decision.

Genre: fwb, roommates, friends to idiots to lovers. Fluff, smut, angst. The whole 9 yards tbh.

Pairing: taehyung x female!reader

Rating: 18+

Word count: around 2k

Warnings: swears, mentions to sex, allusions to sex, some angst?

A/N

Hi guys! This is my first chapter to my story “Forever And A Day”, Ive never written anything for tumblr before so this is exciting! I will figure out a schedule for posting, but this will have several parts! I will make them longer along the way as well. Please note that English is not my first language so please excuse any spelling errors <3 feedback is always appreciated too :) happy reading !

————————-

“Are you ok?”

Taehyung breathed heavily and moved off of you to lay against your side, noticing your vacant expression as your eyes traced the ceiling.

You turned to look at the boy, tracing a finger over his face as you slowly nodded and closed your eyes.

Taehyung and you have been roommates for almost 3 years, but you’ve been friends since middle school. Which kinda makes it weird to think the same kid you would run home to play video games with is now your current friends with benefits situation.

You can’t recall exactly when it started, but you knew it was probably around the time he began to work from home. He would sit in the living room from the morning till late at night, and of course you would accompany him, keeping him fed over dinner and a glass of wine. One drink would become Two, then three, and before you know it, your clothes were scattered across the floor.

“Taehyung”

Your eyes opened up to look back at him in his post sex state. He was always gorgeous, taehyung didn’t have to try to be handsome. He just had this charm to him, and perhaps that’s why it was so easy to fall into this entanglement in the first place.

You both made an agreement that this was strictly just sex, nothing more, and nothing less. It was an outlet to relieve each others stress, it was for fun.

Would you be lying if you never thought of taehyung as more than just someone you occasionally fuck? Yes. But you knew you couldn’t do that. He is a busy man, and works almost full time, he has no room in his life for a relationship and frankly, neither do you.

Taehyung on the other hand, coincidently, thinks the exact same for yourself. He’s been a bit more open about the fact he liked you in the past, but high school relationships never worked, so you both dropped it.

He’s always kept a special place in his heart for you, he’s always been willing to drop everything the minute you wish to be more than this.

He knows he would love you better than anyone has, but he can’t help but wonder what it is that exactly goes through your mind when you look at him, piercing dark brown eyes that say so much but yet, at the same time, are secretive and reveal nothing.

“I’ve met someone”

Oh.

Taehyung immediately withdrew his arms from around your bare waist, clinging them to his chest under the blankets in a almost a protective way.

He nodded slowly, “sorry”

You smiled at him softly, moving your hand to cradle his cheek and move his head to look back at you.

“Don’t be, I just wanted to tell you” you spoke so caring and quiet, as if you were afraid of his reaction.

“Is it ...serious?” He furred his eyebrows together

“Serious enough to..” you pointed a finger and waved it between the two of you. “...stop this” taehyung finished for you, watching your slow nod. He sighed and laid on his back. It was his turn to get lost in thought.

You sat up and propped your body on your elbow so you were looking down at him. You felt bad, what you and taehyung had was special, but it wasn’t love, it was merely lust. You wished for a relationship where you were given all aspects, not just sex. And as much as you wished that person was Tae, you knew he wasn’t emotionally or physically available for that. You had to move on.

“Yeah” you mumbled, brushing his hair back from his forehead. You looked over him once more, knowing this was the last time you would probably see him here, in your bed. The way his tan skin reflects with the soft lighting of your room, or the way he always wears that one thin gold chain that brushes against your skin while you kiss. Perhaps you’d miss this.

“Well” taehyung breathed out, sitting up and grabbing his sweatpants to put back on over his boxers. “I hope that you get everything you want, and that he treats you right” he smiled softly. “And if not, I’m always across the hall” he joked, laughing but not feeling amused.

You smiled sadly, watching him leave so quickly and in such a hurry made things awkward very fast.

As he brushed his hair back with his hand, he leaned over the bed to grab his shirt, face close to yours. He probably shouldn’t do it, he knows it’s wrong considering there was someone else in the picture now, but regardless, he leaned in to press a quick, but delicate kiss to your lips.

You reciprocated, feeling the slight loneliness once he departed and threw his shirt over his head.

“Goodnight Y/N, get some rest soon, you have an early class in the morning” taehyung smiled sadly, nodding his head to the direction of the door.

The tone of the room was off putting, especially since beforehand, it was filled with soft moans and quiet cries.

He didn’t even ask anything about who you were seeing, he didn’t want to know. He just wanted you to be content and leave it at that.

..but god did he wish that he was in that position with you instead. However, this situation only confirms to taehyung that you never saw him like that. Within the span of a few minutes, all of his hopes were dashed.

The following weeks were weird, the nights returned to just dinner, nothing more. You two sat on separate couches while you ate, then, said your goodnight to leave to your own rooms. You rarely took solo showers before, now it’s all you took.

You and taehyung were just friends, always have been. So why was this bothering you so much? The awkwardness and the tension taehyung brought with him, it lingered.

You wanted to bring it up a few times but considered that maybe it’s not you, maybe he has something going on and it would make you look stupid if assumed he was sad over sex. He didn’t even like you like that anyways.

About a month after this, kaito asked to be your boyfriend. You said yes considering you’ve been on plenty enough dates to know this boy by now. And you liked him, he was handsome and caring, so it made sense.

Taehyung on the other hand simply congratulated you upon hearing the news

“That’s exciting” he nodded, a half smile while he looked down on his glass of whiskey, grateful to have it in this moment.

“I know, I wasn’t expecting it but it’s nice, because we have almost every lecture together and he has a solo dorm too, so I can go ov-“

Taehyung looked up at you

“Why don’t you bring him here?” He questioned

“Oh, um, I don’t know” you shrugged, giggling. “I just feel like maybe it would be awkward?”

“Are you embarrassed of me?” Taehyung inquires before shooting down the rest of his drink.

“What?? Of course not, tae-”

He laughs, “I was joking Y/N”

“Oh” you slumped down, fidgeting with your fork. “He does know who you are though, I’ve talked about you plenty some”

“Really?” He seemed surprised

You nodded, “I guess I can invite him and a few friends over this weekend if you wanna meet?”

“Yeah, let’s do that. Sounds good”

Taehyung cheered, suddenly happy that you would be bringing kaito over. Originally, he had no desire to meet, however with the news of your official relationship, he wants the opportunity to check the boy out.

“What about you, huh?” You smiled and wrapped the blanket around you, staring at the other couch where tae sat. He smiled, a similar one matching yours. “What do you mean?”

“Have anyone special in your life?”

You teased, watching as he laughed and shook his head. “I’m too busy for anything, you know that”

You nodded, “I guess”

The next morning taehyung woke up first, stepping into the living room to greet his dog and take him for a walk.

Sleepy eyed and messy haired, you stepped out of your room to see him dancing in the kitchen with yeontan, spinning around and singing along to whatever song was playing from his phone. You couldn’t help but smile at the sight.

You walked over to yeontan and brushed his hair back, putting on a high pitched baby voice

“Hiii tanny, Hii baby!” You giggles and looked up at taehyung, who was pouting. “Where’s my hello?”

“God you are dramatic” you sighed and ran your hand up and through his messy dark hair. “Hiiii taehyunggg!!” You whined, watching him become content with the action.

Taehyung put yeontan down and grabbed his coat, throwing it on before looking back to you, “I am going out to take him for a walk, do you want me to bring you back coffee?” He asked

You turned around to him, noticing your hair in the reflection of the mirror beside his head.

“Oh my god do I look like that?!” You threw a hand over your mouth before beginning to tug at the messy pony tail, attempting to remove the tangled elastic. Tae couldn’t help but laugh, walking over, “yes you do look like that, should we send a picture to kaito?” This remark earned a slap to his chest from you. “That’ll be the last thing you ever do, Kim!” You laughed before feeling his hands in your hair. “Don’t hurt yourself, let me do it”

With that, your arms dropped as he attempted to untangle the mess. Feeling his hands tug at your hair induced an intrusive thought, you quickly looked down as you were sure your face was red.

“There we go” he spoke confidently, seeming to be proud of himself for such action. “It’s out” he held up the elastic before bending over to pick the dog up. “Thank yo-”

You turned around the same time he stood back up, your faces dangerously close together. You remained silent as he watched you. “So, did you want coffee or no?” He re-asked.

You shook your head and brushed your hair with your fingers. “Uh, yea please, thank you taehyung.” You quickly muttered and watched as he smiled and opened the door. “Oh and if you walk by Mrs.Yangs bakery could you pick up Like, cupcakes or something? I don’t have any desserts for tomorrow” you spoke, handing him $20.

“Of course” he nodded sweetly and headed out, shutting the door behind him.

He couldn’t help but smile to himself as he made his way. Was he imagining the way you looked at him, was he imagining you being flustered? Even if he was, it was a nice thought to occupy his head. After all, that’s what he did best: entertained the thought of you possibly ever liking him the way he likes you.

After his walk, he made his way to the coffee shop, waiting in line with yeontan in his arms. “It’s busy today, huh?” He spoke to the tiny dog against his chest before walking up to order both of your coffees.

“Hello how can I help you” the boy at the desk turned around and stared at taehyung, noticing the dog in his grasp.

“Hi, can I please get 2 medium caramel coffe-“

“Dogs arent allowed in here, sorry sir” he quickly spoke.

Taehyung looked taken back, looking around before speaking. “Really?”

The barista nodded. “But I’ve brought him in here plenty of times before and it was never an issue” taehyung looked down at his pet. “Well sir, it’s an issue now”. Taehyung wet his lips, knowing he could walk away right now, but he always was bad at biting his tongue. “So wheres the sign?” He dramatically looked around, the barista growing more annoyed. Taehyung turned to the person behind him, who was sighing. “Did you know there’s no dogs allowed?” He sarcastically called out. “Because usually there’s a sign” he shrugged.

“Sir please go, there’s people waiting” the boy at the desk pointed behind him. “I’ve literally never even seen you here before, obviously someone who was just hired and on some power trip!” Tae glared to the boy, trying to read his name tag. “Go already!” Some woman in business attire yells to the front. He turned to her before looking back to the boy closely, the name ringing a bell. It was kaito

Oh fuck.

“Sir just go please“ kaito spoke, looking at taehyung. “Ok....ok I’ll go I apologize” he spoke quietly this time, only realizing how much he might have messed up as he exited the coffee shop. Tomorrow should be fun.

The apartment door being swung open grabbed your attention, looking away from your laptop to see yeontan run in, followed by taehyung, who had an unreadable expression across his face.

“Hi, are you ok?” You asked, watching him lock the door and walk up to you. “Yeah why wouldn’t I be?” He quickly responded. “Because you seem...I don’t know” you brushed it off and looked back to your screen. “What are you up too?” He asked, leaning over. “Class?” You giggled and sat back, observing him before realizing he was empty handed. “Tae did you forget to stop by the bakery?” You asked. Tae slapped his hand over his forehead, “fuck” he sighed, “Y/N I’m sorry, you wouldn’t believe what happened at the coffee shop, which would....explain why I forgot your coffee too....” he mumbled the end. I’ll go back out!!” He turned around before you called to him. “No no tae it’s fine, I’m going out later anyways I guess I’ll just pick it up myself, no worries.” You replied, seeing his guilty expression and feeling bad. “It’s ok I promise” you stood and hugged him, “cmon let’s just watch tv. I need a break from this class my brain feels fried” you both giggled before sitting on the couch. Taehyung sat on the opposite couch, watching yeontan run into your lap. He always had a feeling that dog liked you better than him. “Tae” you called to him, “you can sit with me” You motioned him over. He hesitantly gets up and walks over, sitting far away and tucking his legs onto the cushion. You sigh and look at him. “You know it’s ok for two close friends to sit next to eachother right? we’ve done worse.” You spoke, earning a laugh and a nod from him. “I just don’t wanna cross any boundaries” he sighed, moving closer. “It’s not bad if there’s no bad intent” you shrugged and cuddled into him.

You were right, you two always were cuddly with eachother even before the whole fwb thing. But maybe there was intention? Because he physically had to restrain himself from resting his hand underneath your shirt, or pressing his length against your back as you laid on your side. These things were once normal, now it feels horribly wrong, and the desire leaves him with unbelievable guilt. He couldn’t help that he was still attracted to you, the way you looked at him while he explained the coffee situation left him feeling warm, even if he left out the fact it was your boyfriend he almost grabbed by the collar. Maybe what they say is right, it’s almost impossible to be friends with someone you’ve had sex (multiple times) with and not feel anything afterwards. He wouldn’t dare bring it up, he knew you weren’t his, he let you out of his grasp and watched as you got up to use the bathroom. The cold feeling infiltrated his arms once more. He was in trouble, and perhaps after weeks of denying it, he finally was coming face to face with the issue.

He was in love with you.

[shvkespearc]

fun facts about da blogger

Tagged by @elizabeth-karenina for ANOTHER ASK POST <3

1. why did you choose your url?

special interest williyum shakespeare...simply. i have had many urls. many many. someone out there may recall: kit1564, daarcy, kitmaarlowe, darcy-alexander, lavender--lover, adraelian, king-of-irises, old-ass-gandalf (favorite) and several others.... OH MY GOD alexander-hamiltons-gr8-butt. alternative design: alexander-hamiltons-spooky-butt. god take me out back and shoot me

2. any sideblogs? if you have them name them and why you have them.week.

@lordbyron666 is my kind of miscellaneous fandom memes etc. blog where i reblog things i dont particularly want to reblog to main. i started it in like 2017(?) when i became more of an aesthetic blog but QUITE HONESTLY i find myself using it less these days. i fink ive stopped giving a fuck

@1seafoam cottagecore ISH side blog, mostly for comfort pleasant images. soothing space for my panic disorder having ass.

@vnge11 art blog i DONT REALLY USE. though i do stay drawing. i just dont post much. i once had an art blog in 2014/5(?) , which actually became the lordbyron666 blog.

3. how long have you been on tumblr?

i made my blog in july 2012 and started as a black and white grunge blogger + memes. me now quite honestly like the vibe is still there. my best friend at the time (RIP) made me make one. i remember i had a music player and she said that it was "good, just not really tumblr"... i remember having like a galaxy background at one point when i started to get into it.... then over the years i had like a VERY CUSTOMIZED INSANE BLOG like with gifs and transparent things and pixel buddies AND MUSIC PLAYER. my friends would say they couldnt load my blog but i never had a problem 😤

4. do you have a queue tag?

i BELIEVE it's 'q' but i don't use the queue feature.

5. why did you start your blog in the first place?

re: my friend made me make one, but i think i really enjoyed it being a place where i could collect moody feelings (and laffs). then i joined a few fandoms (polite way of saying homestuck) and it felt more and more like a community and fun.

6. why did you choose your icon/pfp?

ethel cain w a shotgun. not much else to be said

7. why did you choose your header?

bjork writhing around on the floor kind of a no brainer to me. absolute vibe absolute mood.

8. what’s your post with the most notes?

OOUAAGHH i think it's either my vampire uquiz orrrrrr ugh idk there is like a handful of random ass posts that have blown up. it's all fun and games until people are weird in the replies and you see yourself screenshotted on imgur. ALSO i think i just don't like when they resurface years later and i'm like STOP SPREADING IT AROUND IM NOT THAT PERSON ANYMORE ID NEVER SAY THAT!!!!

9. how many mutuals do you have?

i dont know! i dont know!!! i just recognize people on my dash or in my notes but whether or not we follow each other and specifically enjoy one anothers content. I DONT KNOW

10. how many followers do you have?

in da 4-digits. enough that i get not 0 notes but about 2 notes per post.

11. how many people do you follow?

700-something. i like to follow more rather than less people cause following many blogs is the key to a healthy dashboard ecosystem.

12. have you ever made a shitpost?

every day of my life

13. how often do you use tumblr each day?

i look at my activity daily but i dont ALWAYS scroll every day anymore. but usually every day ish at least for a minute

14. did you have a fight/argument with another blog once?

i am sure... now the idea of "fighting" on tumblr.com is so hilarious to me. bro this is website. clown on clown violence

15. how do you feel about ‘you need to reblog this’ posts

i do not do it... but those "REBLOG IF YOU ARE NOT A HOMOPHONE" posts really hit in 2013

16. do you like tag games?

YA. however sometimes i get too overwhelmed and say i will do it and then never do <3

17. do you like ask games?

YA. however sometimes i g-

18. which of your mutuals do you think is tumblr famous?

WHICH OF YOU SHOULDERS THE GREATEST BURDEN? IE: FOLLOWER COUNT? it is unknown to me... i just work here

19. do you have a crush on a mutual?

no...but i am not immune to getting attention on the internet from a Cool Profile disease

20. tags

👉👈 do it if you wana

[glysaturn]

omg ive followed ur acc since middleschool and people r complaining abt ur somji??? ur SINGLE somji post? do they just expect u to remain postinf the same pairing for centuries?? honestly kudos to u for even posting spuriken for so long like thats the real highlight here i thinks tbh 👍👍👍 (/pos)

i mean it wasn't a /single/ post but it's the most recent one so yea apparently it suddenly became an issue. i know i haven't really ever mentioned it but i've been shipping those two since 2017 so the implication that i am now trying to "sneak in" somji all of a sudden is REAL funny to me. i was subjugated by the evil hetties and now i am poisoning the blessed homosexual oasis or some shit. nah dude it was always there.

and it's even funnier considering that i still draw a ton of genji/cass, and i mean A TON.

i sure am glad i don't share my works online anymore that much. which makes the situation even more bonkers cuz like. this is my /second/ post i've made on tumblr this year. and they make it look like as if i've got some sneaky campaign going on. when i'm like.. barely present online.

crazy to me how back in the day people used to ask me about my overwatch ships and now the sole idea of me having more than one ship is enough to have me crucified. times sure have changed.

yea i know, now that you've put it that way it's.. wow. that's so shallow.

i mean it's okay if someone posts something and you're just not into it, that can happen, at which point you can either ignore the thing or unfollow the person entirely, depending on how severe it is. instead of like.. yknow, fabricating an insane story about how i'm betraying a community i've built and betraying them personally by UHHHHH posting a thing on my blog that they made a decision to follow.