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elane-in-the-shadows · 6 years

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Red Queen Fan Fiction - Blood Curse Chapter 28

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chapter 1

chapter 2

chapter 3

chapter 4

chapter 5

chapter 6

chapter 7

chapter 8

chapter 9

chapter 10

chapter 11

chapter 12

chapter 13

chapter 14

chapter 15

chapter 16

chapter 17

chapter 18

chapter 19

chapter 20

chapter 21

chapter 22

chapter 23

chapter 24

chapter 25

chapter 26

chapter 27

chapter 28

chapter 29

Final chapter

Mare POV

The march begins in two days hence, but Iris Cygnet already stands on the frontline-to-be like a raised flag. It’s because of her cape, long and waving in the wind. In hindsight, that piece of clothing alone should’ve given her away when I saw her first. Who wears a blue cape with such intricate design and embroidery, more-so in a war-camp? Not that it’s indecently sumptuous, only richly made. Apparently, Iris can’t wait for the enemy to see her, or she merely likes to pose majestically as she faces the direction we’re going to take. Maybe they aren’t as of much of an enemy to her as to us, as they’re Lakelanders, her citizens. Yet she’s too careful to rely alone on their knowledge of their princess and their loyalty to her, as she wears functional black armour beneath the conspicuous cape. She wears both all the time, whether she walks over battlefields or in the camp, either leading or training our nymphs. By now, I’ve finally seen what Iris can do with rain and it left me believing in the claims she made to our leaders, promising to breach the enemy lines which we – so far – failed do on our own.

After she arrived, on a meeting I took part in, Iris conveyed this eloquently without saying it all too plain. She sat in her chair like it was a throne, flanked by Captain Ives, the companion who brought her who’s also Roman Eagrie’s new brother-in-law. That was strange enough, not even to speak of the apparent trust Iris put in the Red-blooded Ives. The commanders, meanwhile, tried their best to hide their own confusion when dealing with the ex-queen of Norta, now the crown princess of the Lakelands.

“When I pledged to the Scarlet Guard recently,” Iris said, “it was decided it’d be for the best if I joined these fights. That aligned with my own intentions, I admit. I’m offering you my powers in the ways you see fit, Generals, but I think to be the greatest asset among your own nymphs, teaching – and eventually – leading them.”

Her polite tone was met by dark expressions, me contributing my part. She wasn’t swayed by them. “Not to forget I know how to work against the tactics my mother and her generals use, so this stalemate will be over before it drags on as long as before.”

Akkadi took a sharp breath. “As if you’re the only capable one here, ma’am? We’re to rely on your word to sabotage your own mother and not us?”

Iris swallowed, hesitating, pondering. “Indeed,” she agreed. “Indeed. If it soothes your suspicions, I did come with requests relating to my support.”

The room, curious for more, lost a little tension as if this was only to be expected. Silvers with “requests” were familiar ground.

Iris noticed this too. I saw her take Ives’s hand in the shadows under the table. “Firstly, I wish to negotiate with my mother in person. I’m certain you realize the advantage of that.”

I heard a few people starting to mumble. “Her fault for vanishing and provoking the water witch to run rampart.”

Iris continued, mostly unperturbed but aware of the lack of an answer. “Secondly, I want my mother’s life to be spared.”

“Ma’am,” Davidson prepared to object. But he hardly knew how to address her, ma’am being an acceptable cop-out. “That is a lot to ask, given her recent acts – “

“Weren’t it your allies, the Samos of the Rift, who instigated this?” Iris countered. “They attacked the Lakelands. Apparently, you let them. I wonder how Volo Samos convinced you, he and his family never seemed like the diplomatic sort to me.” She smiled. “Or that is just my impression, as they were never interested in being diplomatic and allying with me.

“However, I promise you to do better than them. I will settle this, and I will convince my mother to bring the peace as we intended to a year ago. And yes, that will include all of you, the Red activists of the Scarlet Guard. I can think of ways – “

“So you plan to keep your power and the rank of a crown princess, and queen-to-be?” Davidson inquired.

“That is not my plan.” Several gasps. From me, too. I couldn’t believe someone like her would be serious about this, and not only sweet-talk us like those before her. “My mother the queen,” she went on, “is the head of the church of our country, and she’ll act accordingly. To preserve and … to reform, too. Currently, she’s acting as a secular ruler which the head is usually supposed to leave to appointed politicians. She chose to change this for … family reasons, which you all know, my father and sister having been those appointed rulers. Yet, I see no reason why people like you should not replace the old agents so you can take your share in governing the Lakelands. There is no law forbidding this.”

“Now that is an offer, ma’am.” Davidson appeared duly smug. “Although you still sound very conservative.”

Iris blinked. “It is an offer, Premier Davidson. I wouldn’t presume to set this in motion without your advice, or the approval of the citizens of the Lakelands.” She looked around, scanning the room filled with potential enemies. “I do wish to preserve … some things,” she admitted. “Our faith, our traditions. Is that too much to ask?” She became more passionate with every word – which also revealed a subtle insecurity on her part. “There’re Lakelanders in this war, in this room. Do you wish to destroy our culture, hoping that alone will make everything better? I do not believe we need to shatter and forget the past to build anew, and therefore, I wish my mother to live – and repent.” A pleading note entered her voice. “If you cooperate, there’ll be amnesty for all Lakelander members of the Scarlet Guard.”

It was a wrong thing to say, angering the Lakelanders she tried to appeal to. Why would we need her amnesty if we won? Then again, did we have the certainty to win? What would Farley have said to her?

“You’re praising a faith that benefits you, your highness,” a soldier sneered and this, finally, took Iris aback. She flinched.

“I … won’t continue to demand those benefits for myself. I swear,” she insisted. “The succession of religious leaders will be reorganized, too. I won’t take such a position. You understand, the defining features of the faith are not about division.”

“They aren’t?” someone scoffed.

Iris straightened. “No.”

“I’ve never heard – “

“Comrades, please,” a soldier from the Lakelands intervened. “It’s true. The faith is about the divinity surrounding us, in ourselves, in nature, in every moment. The Silvers spill their own nonsense to cement their rule, but when they argue with the faith, they’re kidnapping it.” And although the soldier cleared the ground for Iris with this, she had some glares left for Iris, too. “Not that we don’t expect you to live up to those grand promises, ma’am.”

Iris nodded, meeting her gaze. “Thank you, ma’am. Indeed, I’d claim to be too honourable to make empty promises.” She stood up. “But no matter what I say, I can only step forward as one of many. It won’t mean anything if no one follows. I can walk in the front of the battles to come, but it’s your choice to come with me.

“Will you follow me?”

What would’ve happened if they’d remained silent? The moment dragged on long enough to make me wonder. But I was one of those to raise a hand, and the affirmative calls began which Iris answered with her own, quiet, “rise, red as the dawn.”

I knew I couldn’t trust her words. But I trust in what she can do.

„What storm we could make together, Sergeant Barrow,” Iris says to me. She must’ve noticed me sneaking around her after the end of my shift. It was an early end, due to the preparations for the coming charge. Although I’ve been lurking for days, only not as near as today.

Now I close the distance between us, done with playing pretend. Yet she doesn’t turn to me at first, heavily focused on conjuring shapes out of the water and fluids in the air around us, that is, maybe in a radius of 25 meters. When she looks at me over her shoulder, the patterns she made freeze for a second, before, with a swing of her arm, they change from “shields” and “arrows” into stylized lightning. Or a liquid cage.

She tilts her head. “Wouldn’t we?”

I scoff. “I’m not sure,” I reply. “The wind element’s still missing, isn’t it? Or is that the ability of your friend Ives?”

She shakes her head. “Technically …” She smiles. “No, he couldn’t.”

“You really like him? I’m surprised, Iris.” She’s stunned too, at my use of her first name. “I thought you royals don’t have friends, much less Red ones.”

The personal topic flusters her visibly and as she fights to maintain her composure, I expect her to just send me off. Yet I’m amused, enjoying to unsettle a Silver royal. Because she’s one, no matter what she announces. She must be used to this by now and swallows a breath. “He brought me here, and helped me out before. He became a friend to me.” She shrugs. “I assume you can understand that.”

I don’t really, but I respect her unspoken plea for privacy on that. To a point. “Certainly.” I smile back. “But I’m merely wondering, like so many here, what it was he helped you with, which kept you missing for so long.”

“I see. This is another trial about trust.” She stares at me while no muscle in my face moves. The water continues its play. Iris sighs. “I feel inclined to remind you I’m here by choice, on my own account, and allying with your cause.”

“An alliance you let us pay for dearly.”

“Have I asked for any untoward conditions?” She’s less calm now, for her standards. “All I’ve brought up I did believing it’d benefit the Scarlet Guard in the end.”

The watery shapes turn back into a shield and attack pattern, as if with the lightning pattern gone, our conversation is over. But Iris doesn’t even turn away from me. She continues to fixate with her gaze until I’m the one to give in. “Why would you think,” she begins, quieter now, “I haven’t paid dues on my own for the peace I wish for?”

I can’t avoid to snicker. “Excuse me,” I say. “But that’s something I know a lot about.”

The corners of her mouth twitch. “If we have finally something in common, why not use this common ground as a reason to return to my request?” I blink. “To call forth a storm?” she adds.

I shrug, then start to show off some of the tricks I learned from Ella. But despite Iris’s talk of a common ground, she revealed nothing about what she claims to have given up, although I can imagine enough, especially in case of someone who came too close to Maven Calore.

Merciless rains fall during our march. The dark and grey sky forebodes the coming battle and the air feels charged with electricity, whether from a gathering storm or just from my ability I can’t say. It certainly erases any easiness in our approach, with water soaking our clothes, tents and food. Our boots often stay stuck in the mud. But to march we have as our schedule is tight, decisively so. We’re supposed to sneak closer to the Lakelander camp for a surprise attack as long as our own location remains unknown.

“I wonder if Lakelanders conjured this bloody weather!” Kilorn curses.

“Wouldn’t be surprised,” I reply in agreement. The rain feels like a threat on its own, like a poison, a noose about to strangle us.

“That is unlikely.” Kilorn and I jerk when we hear General Akkadi joining our talk. Iris Cygnet walks next to her, no doubt trying to glean as much information as possible.

“The General is right,” she agrees. “The stormcallers of the Lakelands could do this in theory, but not for so long. Not when they don’t know our exact location. Rather they would create fog or a storm right before the battle begins.”

“What a smart-ass,” Kilorn whispers and I elbow him while suppressing my own snicker.

“Let’s hope this warning will help us when the time comes,” I say.

Iris nods. “Then, we’ll all work together to spring our own trap.”

Even on the trek scouting remains a necessity. Still I’m in a team with Roman Eagrie and keep my lightning ready for a charge. But this night has a different kind of tension, when our attention is as vital while we’re much less safe.

Eagrie touches my arm. “Hush, stop,” he whispers. My eyes widen and I summon lightning in my fingertips while keeping it weak enough to hide it from view. Eagrie takes his rifle off his back, aims and shoots four times in one fluid motion.

“Done?” I murmur.

He checks for a few more seconds, then relaxes. “Yes.”

“You’re a good shooter,” I say as we go to look for the bodies.

He smiles wrily. “It helps when you know you’ll hit the target.” The four enemy scouts are certainly dead but I don’t feel at ease yet. Instead, a sense of danger lingers on my mind. Even more so when the leaves of the woods rustle.

I shove Eagrie aside and create a lightning shield before the Lakelander can assault us. But the person appearing isn’t a Lakelander, at least not an enemy one. I tsk. “You’ve scared us, Princess Iris,” I say sarcastically although my heart still beats fast. “Or did you want them to take you with them?”

She shakes her head and comes closer. Amusement shines in her eyes, even in the dim torch light. At least she can get a joke. “Well done,” she says. “But their absence will send its own kind of message to their commander.”

I shrug.

“To answer your question, Sergeant Barrow,” she says, “no. I didn’t intend that. Yes, I plan to negotiate but a battle is unavoidable. It’ll be to the advantage of the Scarlet Guard as well to fight one.”

“If we win,” I object.

She nods. “I believe you’ll be vital to that victory. Good night.” She turns to leave, her cape dragging on the wet ground. Does the clamminess even bother her? Then she stops. “I wonder, Sergeant, why you chose to fight.” She points to the sky. “It was decided one electricon has to stay back to keep up with the interceptions of the airjets, as a distraction.” That’s true, Tyton’s the one. “That could’ve been you,” Iris goes on, “and yet you’re here.”

She seems frankly curious, but I’m not in the mood for banter and chatting. “I’m fed up with people making decisions for me, and I rather fight my battles myself.”

“I’m sure of that.” She looks at me, expectant, understanding. I almost wait for her to apologize for being complicit in my imprisonment, and a thousand other matters.

“Can I make a request?” she asks.

I raise an eyebrow. “Another one?”

The corners of her mouth twitch. “Just a last one, please,” she says. I wave a hand.

It replaces her amusement with earnestness. “I’d be grateful if you told me whether you killed Maven,” she asks. “Or whether he’s alive at all, if you knew.”

I suck in a breath. She craves to know this and her eyes are adamant, demanding an answer. I hate how I freeze when he’s mentioned. Iris notices and lowers her head respectfully. She gives me a moment but doesn’t apologize or waves it off.

“I have not,” I spit out. “You should ask Tiberias. Didn’t you leave behind him with his brother?”

She almost bows this time. “I thank you, Mare Barrow.” I shrug, swallow the topic before it can fester in my mind. Now she takes her leave for good, and raindrops follow, forming into swivels like an aethereal train. So ostentatious, a showiness Maven would’ve liked.

Breaks are soggy affairs, as is sleep. Whether we walk or rest, the rain is an incessant nuisance. In our sleeping bags, I cuddle against Kilorn to fight the clamminess with body warmth, with Rafe on his other side.

“Look,” Rafe says, pointing to white lightning in the distance. “It’s Tyton in action.”

I smile. “Good to know.”

Rafe sighs. “Too bad we can’t answer him.”

I nod. “Soon, he’ll see us as well.” Soon, when the real battle starts.

The call comes too soon. The camp rises, everyone runs to get into formation. “Seems like the Lakelanders found us first,” pants Nadine. “That demands operation B2, Barrow!”

“Sure!” I nod and we head to our respective units. The thrill of the coming battle courses through me, mixing fear and excitement.

Now it happens.

General Akkadi organizes the troops like a conductor, setting everyone in place according to the plans and her absolute foresight. She nods to me, pointing to my position at the front line. I swallow and go on, searching my way through the crowd and seeing more of the enemy with every step. Fortunately, we have the higher ground, standing on the upper end of the slope they’re climbing. At the foot of the hill, fog gathers and clouds the expanse of their army.

But their nymphs are at the front, as planned, already threatening to destroy our advantage in position by, once again, pulling away the ground beneath our feet. The mud only makes that easier

Our nymphs are prepared for this charge, about to counter the Lakelanders by interfering with their own control over the element. As a result, the water supposed to wash us away and flood the camp is turned into a whirlwind gyrating around the frontlines, more and more resembling the eye of a storm.

Akkadi barks several commands to get us into place, calling back armed soldiers while Rafe and I step forward on both ends of our vanguard, the nymphs between us, and only waiting for Akkadi’s next order. She’s still scanning the whole of the battlefield, assessing the perfect moment. Terrifying seconds drag on and current tickles my skin. Yet when the call comes, I hesitate. Am I ready for this? Are the nymphs? If this goes wrong …

I release my breath and stop thinking, I fall to my knees and put my hands onto the ground, into a puddle. And then, I let loose all the electricity I can summon, once, twice, until nothing is left.

The current, both from me and Rafe, is conducted by the muddy earth and swirls of water controlled by our nymphs, leading directing towards the enemy. They can’t get away, first paralysed by the shocks and soon killed by them.

I sink into the mud, wholly depleted. But it was a success, the majority of the enemy vanguard is down as well, unconscious or electrocuted. Akkadi shouts again, urging me to rise as we have no time to spare when timing is absolute. I have to get up, and now our gunners step forward to shoot anyone still standing. Yet as I move, my eyes stray over our nymphs, searching for losses. By Akkadi’s visions and command, they should’ve known when to sever the physical link to the water conduits to stay safe, but I might’ve just as well taken down some of our own.

“Help!” someone cries, and m head spins. There they are, my victims. I can’t run past them, so I go straight to the source. Iris Cygnet was the one who called, and she bends over an unconscious nymph, grabbing a knife to cut through his uniform and start to massage his chest.

“I don’t think he needs any more electricity, Sergeant Barrow,” she hisses.

“No,” I say. “I’m sorry – careful!” I shout, and she looks up to see the Lakelander soldier heading towards us.

Iris curses. She lets go of the nymph and fumbles for a gun; she shoots just in time but the Lakelander outstretches a hand and the bullet dissolves in a heat wave.

An oblivion.

I try to call my lightning but it’s still too soon – nothing happens. Iris spills another surge of curses in her native tongue and gather a water wall as a defense. Still I can feel the next shockwave coming from the oblivion. He forces through, causing Iris to shift her water wall.

“What should we …” I utter, but she already grabs my hand and wraps us in another wave, just before the oblivion shatters the earth and we fall.

I open my eyes with a groan. Now I can add bruises to my exhaustion although I begin to feel again the sparks in my veins. I get up and check my surroundings, now a few hundred meters away form the battle. Not that I can reach it easily, as the ledge we were on has broken off. I find Iris on my other side, bending over the nymph once more. I approach her but her attempts at first aid are over, now she’s murmuring a few verses. Prayers. She doesn’t heed my presence until she’s done.

“Rest in peace, James Huntingdon” she concludes, and focuses on me. She nods. “Good you’ve gotten away as well.”

She stands up, about to get going on. Her stance reflects both weariness and determination, a stance I know all too well, one I force myself into often enough. “What do you intend to do?” I ask.

“Do you want to come with me?” she smiles, wrily. “I go to find my mother, I should be able to guess where she is.”

Of course. “Why should I? Do you want to present me as your prisoner?”

She frowns. “No.”

“You were okay with it before.”

Her lips quiver but don’t produce a straight answer. “I won’t force you into anything, Mare Barrow. You can come with me, or stay with James, or whatever else you think is best.”

When I don’t reply, she turns without looking back.

I let her go, and still I watch her. I shouldn’t, better I focus on a way back. I curse my bad luck at finding myself once again between the lines, unable to just rejoin my unit. Nor do I want to leave James behind. He died because of me, after all, and he deserves better than to be buried in mud.

I head to a higher ground to see more and even climb a tree to find a possible and safe way to return to the fights. Yet the broken ledge is still impossible to scale and I doubt I can carry James all the way round. It’d be safe enough for me though, although it’d also take me a day. I can’t decline my urge to look after Iris as well, as she’s easy to locate in her silly cape. How careless, but if she puts a conspicuous appearance above everything else? In front of her, the main body of the Lakelander army is harder to see. Strange.

Or not. The way the mist parts and gathers has no natural source, I can see that now. It must be controlled by nymphs or stormcallers and Iris is just a few hundred meters away from the fog, already becoming enwrapped in it herself. I doubt her sight is as good as mine, as long as she doesn’t chase off the fog.

So she can’t see he unit separating from the back of the army, marching in the direction of the frontline while hidden by fog and glamour.

“Oh you stupid girl, you’re walking into a trap!” I utter.

But so am I, since I jump off my tree and run after Iris.

I’m about to reach her just as she parts the fog but before I can warn her, its already too late – the soldiers appear from the mist and attack the intruder, unaware it’s their princess. Iris sidesteps as knives fly her way, one of them cutting her hand. The next moment, she’s lifted into the air and swung hard onto the ground.

I drop to the earth, too. Are they telkies? Or magnetrons who use her armour against her? Undecided between crashing into the scene and figuring out a better plan, I watch the enemy leader send their soldiers ahead. They vanish quickly, someone among them restoring their stealth. Their supposed purpose fills me with dread, certainly it’s a surprise charge against us. I grind my teeth. Why does their commander stay back? Have they finally recognized Iris? But when she tries to rise, a volley of something like spikes heads her way and she can only roll out of the way.

The commander has to be a magnetron.

Hit in the leg, Iris doesn’t get up. The Lakelander commander approaches her and strangely, he appears neither relieved to have finally found his princess, nor shocked to have assaulted her. No, when he bends down to grab her by the chin, his demeanour oozes smugness.

I sneak closer to be certain but I already know the man holding Iris in his grasp is Volo Samos.

“How come my mother released you from your king’s cage?” Iris sneers.

He cackles and grabs her tighter, probably choking her. “Haven’t you heard, your majesty? It seems that the Lakelanders and I have a mutual enemy,” he gloats. Iris groans. “Your mother the queen was against it, but in the end, she had to agree with her clever advisors.” When he smiles, I feel a surge of his power although I hardly wear any metals. He’s even stronger than Evangeline.

“But unfortunately. I have to see the rumours regarding you are true, and you do fight for our enemy.”

Iris wriggles and kicks, her hands move to conjure water and assault Samos whose expression becomes aching. But the water that splashed his face falls down as he pushes on, to make Iris scream in pain.

“I wouldn’t try that again!” he calls and Iris’s knife leaves its sheathe and starts to levitate an inch from her head. “Do this another time, Your Highness, and you’re dead.” Then metal loosens from his armour and forms into a rope he uses to bound her hands. “After all these undignified months of captivity, I find myself truly fortunate,” he gloats some more. “When I return you to your royal mother, she’ll have no choice but to offer me clemency and acknowledgement of the Rift. Whether the same goes for you, I’m not so sure.” He rises and lets go of her throat, pulling her along by her manacles. “A disobedient child has to be punished.”

“I wouldn’t be so sure either.” Volo’s head spins around to face me and the lightning shooting from my hands, towards him.

“Barrow!” he yells and spikes fly off his armour, charged at me, and some of them making in to their target. I supress a cry of pain.

He only drops to a knee. Damn, my lightning is still too weak to kill him with one blow and I have my own problems to maintain my stance.

Iris doesn’t waste time. She used my attack to remove her manacles and collects water to lift Samos into the air, wrapping him into a whirl he can’t escape. She doesn’t have to give me a sign. Despite the bleeding wounds in my stomach and my leg, I summon all the electricity I can and throw it at Samos, frying him, letting it course through the water, his metal armour and his body until he’s only a charred mess.

My knees sink into a puddle and I stare at Volo Samos’s dead body with satisfaction. As long as I can. I would’ve fallen down completely if Iris didn’t come to pull me onto her lap. She tears at her cape, staunching my wound with it and her own bleeding hand. And yet, my red blood drops like the cursed rain and mixes with her silver blood.

She looks so determined, and yet so desperate. “Hang in there,” she pants, “I’ll have it bandaged soon!”

I chuckle, and rue it for the pain it brings, but hoping she’s right. But we’re in no man’s land, who should come to save us? “I’ve done it,” I whisper instead.

“Hm?”

“I told myself I was born to kill a king and now I’ve succeeded,” I cackle. It impedes Iris’s efforts but she only tries harder. “But it wasn’t the one I expected it to be,” I continue.

“So, you intend to kill another?” she asks, a little wary.

I sigh, both for the topic and the pain. “… I don’t know. I couldn’t face him. I have to. To tell him he has no power over me.” Although just having this thought means he still has. “He’s already done what he can to me,” I say.

Recognition dawns on Iris’s face. “Then you have to keep going, Mare!” Live, if only to spite Maven …” She continues to talk, I can hardly listen. “We’ll both live, and when this is al over, you’ll forget Maven and I’ll hold Arthur, just one time at least …”

I still hear her, and the sounds of the distant battlefield. But all I see is the white-grey sky that makes me feel like time has stopped.

@clarafarleybarrow @mareshmallow @redqueenfandom @lilyharvord @inopinion @hannaharies @samanthaslytherin @kihlorn @mareenattitanos @redqueenforever @marecalrandomstuff @wrenskonos @runexandra @artbooks-trash @selenbean-beany @scarletguardsource

#red queen #red queen fanfiction #war storm #mare barrow #iris cygnet #blood curse #scarletguardsource #blood curse ch 28

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trevorrain · 6 years

Text

Recap

This is going to be a long text post. There is no TLDR.

About a week ago I expressed a few words of gratitude towards a follower. Thanking them for their time and for the content on their blog as well. They asked how the job was going and I couldn’t help but kind of laugh to myself when asked that.

The last post I made on the goings on of myself was over a year ago from now, I believe. Not really thinking that people might be interested since nobody is really asking unless prompted.

Warning: Below I talk about dementia and other not so very happy things. I just need to get this off my chest. Don’t keep reading if you have a sensitivity to these things. Lord knows I understand.

I just feel the need to kind of ‘recap’ what happened in greater detail. Even so, there’s much being left unsaid. I’ll make a follow up post where I talk about the most recent goings on in my life.

But this night is one where I’m lost in melancholy, and I’ve been meaning to talk about the few things that have been occupying my mind as of late.

But first, I want to clarify what had happened to me two years ago.

I was living with my parents. Helping to take care of them in a way. Having been born over a decade away from my nearest sibling in age. It was soon after moving to St. George Utah that my mother was diagnosed with Dementia that would turn into full blown Alzheimer syndrome. I was with her in the room during the diagnosis. For reasons that would take too long to explain, she wanted me to be there instead of my father, and I remember her holding my hand so very tight. She didn’t tell me where we were going and why.

It would be years still before she deteriorated to the point where she needed professional help. I knew I was inadequate to take care of her and pushed to have her admitted into a nursing home, or have skilled staff come to our home on a regular basis to give her the care she needed. Father’s insurance was not the best for helping long term. She had been admitted into a nursing facility temporarily while I worked on getting the neccisary papers to get medicaid approval.

Mother was a high fall risk. Rarely slept and would wander without caution. She sustained injuries as there was inadequate staff at the facility to watch her 24/7. She was in the hospital from those injuries when I was told she was approved the medicaid was approved. Just in time for her to be admitted into hospice. Due to the broken bones and bruising along with the rapid progression of her condition, she was not expected to last long.

The time period is fuzzy to me. It was either a week or two weeks before we were told her last day was fast approaching. Father and I stayed up most of the night, waiting and listening. Among the details I’m skimming over is the sound of her breathing. I remember that the most, but I imagine it would be very unpleasant to read about. It’s my fear of causing pain by my story that keeps me from telling it in detail. Even if I want to.

Father and I decided to get a few minutes of sleep. I woke up to dad tapping me on the shoulder. Mom waited until we were both asleep before passing away.

I had to stop typing for a few minutes after writing that.

The funeral was held that weekend. There was plenty of time to prepare. I returned home with my father, and we tried to figure things out from there. Tried alone, anyway. Father didn’t talk about his emotions, and we were different types of people. We weren’t close. Despite my hangups and so much that was never resolved between us, I still loved him.

He wasn’t eating much, so I tried to cook his favorite meals more often. He didn’t get out often, so I did most of the shopping. Doing what I could with a part time job. But understand that they both married when they were 21. They had been married for over 40 years.

One day I noticed he wasn’t feeling well. When trying to talk to him, he would respond with confusion, as if he didn’t understand what I was saying. He was acting strange. Due to the daily pain from extensive nerve damage from his working days, he would sleep in an easy chair rather than the bed. This night he chose the bed. I checked up on him the day after and found he hadn’t moved, and wasn’t responding to my questioning. I found things like the remote control he uses being put in the fridge and a few other abnormal signs of behavior.

I called the home healthcare people that were checking on him. They recommended I call an ambulance. I did.

He spent three days in the hospital and ended up recovering, but the doctors couldn’t figure out what was wrong with him. They only found he was low on potassium, and recovered not long after they gave him the needed IV fluids. Discharged within 3 days.

A week, maybe two later, it happened again. A neighbor helped me get him into the car so I could drive him to the hospital this time. They ran almost every test they could think of on my father. He spent 7 days in the hospital this time before some recovery took place, and he only remembered the last 3 days of it. Again, it was low potassium. They couldn’t find the cause.

Should be noted that a psychologist saw my father while I was away, and he was convinced my father also had dementia of some kind that was overshadowed mother’s more advanced condition. I mentioned before my father never spoke about his feelings, not being one to believe in emotional health. Any question of his health when it came to mental or emotional was a lost cause.

And really, it was that kind of behavior I grew up with. But talking to my siblings, it’s possible that the parents that I grew up with were very different from those that raised my sisters and my brother. I’m... still processing this.

He was exhibiting late stage dementia. He never recovered fully from that last hospital visit.

The health home that took my mother in for hospice agreed to look after my father for a few weeks, and I was happy to hear this at the time. They could monitor his health much closer and with a more skilled eye than I had.

But my father's antiquated behavior towards women made the female staff uncomfortable, they didn’t feel safe around him, and I was called to pick him up within 24 hours.

Suddenly the care of a man three times my age was put upon me. I had taken the task in stride before now. I felt... oddly... older after my mother had past. Like I was stepping into a more adult role and I wanted to do well at it. I mentioned that getting my father in that facility was my way of figuring out how to better take care of him, I felt more in control. Then I get that call asking me to take him back. I was furious.

But I took him back. He wasn’t taking care of himself very well, so I doubled up on the groceries and the cooking. Trying to get him to eat with the little appetite he had. Setting up doctors appointments. He was complaining about his stomach hurting. Taking him to these appointments lead to him feeling very sick. He ended up cancelling one that I set up. I made him promise to go to the next one.

The day of the appointment is when he died. I found him sitting on the couch, pale. I knew something was wrong. I called an ambulance.

It’s harder for me to talk about dad passing more than it is with mom. I was closer to my mother, but the way my father passed, with the emotional burdens, the things the family found out in his medical records. It brings this whirlwind of emotion out, making this hard to write. Especially for how tired I am right now. Where I had weeks to say goodbye to mom, I lost my father to a heart attack in the middle of an Emergency room surrounded by doctors and technicians, being asked if they should keep doing chest compression, calling my sister because I couldn’t make a decision like that on my own.

It was made for me after they found he had bled out internally. Almost completely. There was no saving him.

I didn’t leave the hospital until after the mortuary sent someone for the body. After they did, I went home. It felt so empty. It would feel that way for weeks.

I don’t get many chances to talk about this. I haven’t had many. I had, for the longest time, resolved not to say anything until someone asked me. Nobody would ask. And I understand why. It’s a unique grief. People have said they couldn’t imagine how I feel, can’t imagine how it would make them feel. I suppose there’d be very little reason to ask my feelings because it’s a safe assumption that ‘bad’ would cover it. People feel like there’s little they could do, so often they don’t try. In the end, it’s unfair of me to judge others on my made up personal parameters like that.

I’ve talked with people that had completely forgotten about this aspect of my life. Makes me wonder if I’m doing any disservice to their memory by trying to sidestep something that effected me so much. That feels so real even years after. I don’t know. I’m starting to question why I’m even typing this up right now. Possibly a moment in grief.

Part of it is my fault. I’ve made it part of my life to try and be selfless. To bring some sort of happiness or contentment to people I meet. Friends, strangers, acquaintance, I care for the well being of. For me to go out of my way to find a friend or person to talk to feels almost aggressive. Like backing someone up in a corner and saying ‘Hey! I have a sad story, this will make you feel uncomfortable, but you can’t move due to me taking advantage of this unspoken obligation, taking hostage of your time!’ I don’t want to force people to commiserate with me.

But it doesn’t mean that I don’t want, or even actually need, this commiseration. Much of the fault lies with me keeping this bottled up for so long anyway.

I’m going to queue this post up for tomorrow. I need to get some sleep. I’ve got work tomorrow. I’ll try to draft an update of how I’m doing now then. Maybe help shake some of the cobwebs out of my head. Goodnight for some, good morning for others.

Peace.

#dementia #real life #sadpost #past

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greekowl87 · 7 years

Text

Fic: Runaway Christmas Pt 10

A/N: It feels rushed and not my best work but I hope you enjoy.

Disclaimer: Still don’t own anything. Just borrowing.

Mulder leaned back into his basement office chair and rubbed his chin in thought. He had gotten to their x-files office early by himself. Scully had to go to Quantico for the morning to follow up one of their cases but she promised to be back in time for them to go to lunch and finish up at the office early so they could head to Bed, Bath, and Beyond before going home. Although they both had been avoiding the topic, preferring to fantasize the joy of having their son again, but if Will was going to live with them, things would change dramatically.

Like their caseload.

Skinner had been more than understanding so far (which surprised Mulder to no end). They could technically argue age for both of them (it wasn’t 1999 anymore) and could start loaning out their talents to their respective fields with more regularity. For Mulder, that meant profiling again, and for Scully, that meant forensic science, both merely for consultation. Their old boss demonstrated his cleverness further by justifying the x-files too by making their talents used primarily to look at those abnormal cases that others could not. Both Mulder and Scully had to give it Skinner. The assistant director had effectively taken the need of field work out of the x-files so that they could stay around Will more while justifying the existence of their department.

Mulder played the idea of him resigning from the FBI and Scully going back to medicine again like it had been before. True they had been happy, but the darkness came and invaded their life again, ultimately leading to their brief break up. If it was not for rejoining the FBI and regaining their work, he did not really know if they would have found each other again.

He shook his head and took off his suit jacket, loosened his tie, and rolled up his shirt sleeves. There were two profiling cases waiting on his desk to be looked at but all his attention was focused on his son. Drumming his fingers, he dialed Scully’s number.

She answered on the first ring. “Scully.”

“Scully, it’s me,” he said softly.

Her tone softened instantly. “Mulder, I thought we agreed we wouldn’t see each other until lunch. It is only...9:43. Don’t tell me you miss me that much?”

He smiled into his phone. “Always, you know that.” She chuckled indulgently on the other end. “What’s wrong?”

“You know me that well?”

“Almost 25 years, Mulder.”

“Fine. I will do well to remember that later tonight.”

“Mulder!”

“What do the kids say? Sorry, not sorry. Anyways, I was thinking…”

“Why am I not surprised,” she mumbled.

“Just hear me out. What harm could it be, if we, use the main resources available to us as federal employees to look up a certain someone…” his voice trailed off. He really wanted to take advantage of his role as an FBI agent and pull up any records on Will’s foster parents or anything that might give them an edge in court.

But Scully had been the cooler head. “Mulder. No. We both agreed. We can’t risk it. What if you get caught? That bodes bad for us and our case.”

Scully, his conscience and voice of rationalism. God, he loved that woman. “Fine. But are we still going to Ikea…”

“Bed, Bath, and Beyond,” she corrected. “And yes. We have to figure out what we are going to do for the spare bedroom at the apartment. I haven’t even thought of the house.”

“This is really going to happen, isn’t it?” he whispered. He dare not think otherwise.

“We’re going to do it, Mulder,” she whispered back. Ever since Scully had her conversation with Will, she had grown more confident and optimistic. “How did it go with Skinner this morning? Any more field work?”

“Unless absolutely necessary. We still have the x-files, now consulting on all things weird in profiling and forensic science,” he answered proudly. “See, told you?”

“You told me nothing. Look, Mulder, I have to finish this autopsy. I’ll be back at 12:30. Lunch at that little coffee shop down the street?”

“It’s a date.”

“Oh, and call the lawyer and set up the appointment for the judge for Friday,” she reminded him. “Will has his meeting with him today.”

“Yes, dear.”

“Shut up, Mulder.”

Scully hung up and he chuckled to himself. Things were going to be all right. He just had to keep telling himself that.

. . . .

Will did his best to ignore Mrs. Styron’s glare as she reviewed his case file. She had pulled him from school early so they could make it to their meeting with the judge in the early afternoon. He sat, playing on his phone, his feet resting on his skateboard, rolling it back and forth. “I wish you had dressed a bit more professional, William,” she reminded primly.

“Well, I had no idea that you were coming to pick me up from school,” he retorted.

“I told you a week ago!”

Will did not bother to reply. He slumped against the wall and smiled when he saw a new text message from ‘DS’. He had put a little doctor emoji next to the initials to indicate who it was. He opened the message and saw a picture of various medical instruments.

He texted back. ‘What are you doing?’

The reply was instant. It was a selfie of Scully wearing a medical mask in what looked to be a medical lab with the text ‘Making my patients laugh to death.’

Will put a hand to his mouth to keep from chuckling out loud. Mrs. Styron looked at him pointedly and he smiled half heartedly. “Funny cat video.”

“Put away your phone, Will,” she sighed, shifting her gaze back the folder.

Will ignored her and texted back. ‘Bet you’re killing them.’

The reply came quickly. ‘Haha. You have a good day. Good luck with the judge.’

Will smiled, his heart caught in his chest. As he was about reply back to Scully, a new text popped up with ‘FM’ and a little alien emoji next to the initials. He opened the new text. ‘Scully reminded me. Good luck today bud.’

He was at a loss for words. These two strangers had somehow made him feel like he belonged like he was a part of their family. And while everyone else doubted, he knew deep down, they were his birth parents. He just knew. He hesitated before starting a new text, typing ‘DS’ and ‘FM’ into the bar. He typed, ‘Thanks mom & dad’. He stopped and let the text sit. He actually wrote that. Mom and dad. His real parents. He thought about deleting it but it felt right. He sent the text before he could second guess himself.

“Will,” Mrs. Styron called. “It’s our turn.”

Will slid his phone into his bag and picked up his backpack and skateboard under his arm. Mrs. Styron guided him into the judge’s chambers. Judge Hartwell rose from behind his desk and nodded towards them. “Just come from school, Mr. Van de Kamp?”

“Um, yes, sir,” he humbly answered.

“Well, I appreciate you coming in this afternoon,” he motioned towards two chairs that sat in front of his desk.

Mrs. Styron guided Will to the chair and sat opposite of him. Judge Hartwell tented his fingers in the front of his face. “So, it’s been almost a month William since that commotion in my courtroom. We’ve discovered your birth parents, and to my surprise, you managed to stay out of trouble. Congratulations is due.”

“Thank you?” Will replied uncertainly.

“But,” the judge sighed, opening two files, “we have a new quandary. Not everyday is a child in the system lucky enough to have to sets of people who want to adopt him, especially the original birth parents. But you have two sets of people who want the very best for you. I assume you know about the Gardners’ petition?”

Will nodded reluctantly. Since he had learned of the news, things had grown tense at the foster home. He was avoiding his foster parents like the plague. He stayed out later, wandering around Washington D.C. or just skating, not going home until he had too. “I do.”

“And Mrs. Styron has told you about the DNA tests with Agents Mulder and Scully? There is no doubt they are your biological parents.” Will nodded eagerly. The judge paused and drummed his fingers on the table. “What do you want, Will? Has your decision changed at all?”

He shook his head instantly. “I want to live with my birth parents.”

“Will,” Mrs. Styron chastised, “you can’t rush this decision.”

“I’m not rushing it,” he retorted. “I know it’s right in my heart. I want to live with them. No offense to the Gardeners or anything but I know where I belong.”

The judge nodded slightly, writing something in one of the files. “Keep in mind, William, that this does not guarantee your placement with the FBI agents. There are still things to consider.”

“Like what?”

“Living situation for one,” the judge shrugged. “The courts and CPS will be following up within the month on that. But in light of the background checks coming clean, I will allow visitation between you and them, William. No strings attached. Your case worker doesn’t have to be there, nor your foster parents. You can come and go as you please. Just don’t abuse the privilege.”

Will grinned. “For real, sir? That is so awesome!”

“Judge Hartwell, are you sure that is in the best thing for Will,” Mrs. Styron argued, “besides being very unorthodox.”

“If the boy is serious about living with these people, Mrs. Styron,” the judge patronized, “he deserves to get to know his birth parents at least. I have not been a judge sitting on the bench in family court for nothing. I do know a thing or two. Have a little faith. Everyone deserves their own miracle. Now, William, now that I have your answer, I will be talking to both parties during the next month while CPS conducts their business, okay? During that time, you are allowed to visit your birth parents as you please. Don’t abuse the privilege. And continue to stay out of trouble. You hear me, son?”

“Yes, sir.”

“Mrs. Styron, I expect you and the Gardeners to abide by this arrangement and not interfere with this.”

“It won’t be a problem, Judge Hartwell,” Mrs. Styron said tightly.

“Good. I’ll be in touch, William, stay out of trouble.”

Will and Mrs. Styron got up to leave the judge’s chambers. He could not stop smiling.

. . . .

Scully got back to their basement office a little before noon, having finished her autopsy early. Mulder rose and greeted her with a kiss before they headed down to a local deli for lunch. He ordered their food as Scully secured a table them. She dug through her bag, searching for her phone when she noticed that she had an unread text message from Will. She had rushed back from Quantico that things like checking her phone had slipped her mind. She noticed the text was addressed to both her and Mulder.

“Mulder,” she called, as he came bearing their lunch. “Did you text Will this morning?”

“Just to wish him luck with the judge,” he shrugged. “Why?”

“He sent us both a text.”

Mulder drew out his own phone and frowned. He would have heard if he got a new text message but noticed he had left it on silent again. “For the record, Scully,” he said, holding up his phone. “I miss the old days when phones were bricks and all you could do was use them to call people.”

“Do you know how old you sound?” she asked. She bypassed the text message and opened the selfie she had sent Will earlier. “I even tried sending him a selfie.”

“A selfie,” Mulder chuckled examining the picture. “How current you sound with today’s lingo.”

She pushed him gently. “Shut up, Mulder. I just texted him because I could. I sent a picture of me working. He has a horrible sense of humor, just like his father. I don’t know, there is something just so normal about it. I know we missed a lot, but I don’t know. It just feels right.”

Mulder smiled and deposited her cobb salad and sprite in front of her and settled for his reuben, fries, and iced tea. She picked a couple of fries off his plate as she opened the message will had sent earlier. He took a bite of her salad in retaliation. He was distracted hearing her sharp intake of breath. “Oh my God.”

“What? Was it something he texted?” Scully had tears in her eyes as she showed Mulder the message. “He called us mom and dad, Mulder. Our son called us mom and dad.”

Mulder gently claimed her hand, squeezing it. “He’s going to come home, Scully. I promise.”

She nodded and attempted to eat some of her salad. Her heart was drumming in her chest and it did not feel like it could slow down. He kept a hold of her hand as he began to eat his own lunch. She nodded towards his phone. “Mulder, your phone is ringing.”

“So it is. Mulder,” he answered. “Mr. Brickman, what a surprise to hear your voice?”

Scully sat up straighter at the mention of their lawyer. She watched Mulder’s face during the brief exchange. “Really? Are you sure? Like this is legit? That’s wonderful news. Better than wonderful, it is amazing. I’ll tell Agent Scully. Thank you, Mr. Brickman. Yes. Have a good afternoon.” He hung up the phone and gently caressed Scully’s cheek. She arched an eyebrow at the rare public display of affection. “Will met with the judge today, made his intentions known. We have a month before the next hearing and child services will be checking out our living situation. But the judge said he could visit us, without that she devil he calls his case worker or the foster parents, whenever he wants.”

“So, we don’t have to hide it?”

“No,” he smiled.

She reached up and took his hand, giving it a squeeze. “What do you say we bring him with us to Bed, Bath, and Beyond tonight and grab dinner too?” she suggested softly.

“I think that is a brilliant idea, Agent Scully,” he chuckled.

#xfiles #xf fanfic #msr #teen!will #mulder #scully #fanfic #txf #my fic #runaway christmas #alternate universe #xf fic

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randompersononthenet-blog · 5 years

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Common Sense

Tom Pain

America, the country I love so dearly, the country that has twice, in the last hundred years, given its sons and daughters to rid the world of tyranny and fascism, is in dire straits. Elements which put their own interests ahead of the common citizen have engineered their way into alarming capacities of control over our daily life. Our livelihood and the future of our children has been sold off by corporate raiders. Our environment has been ravaged. Our cities have been robbed. Our farmlands have been plundered. Our jobs have been outsourced. Our schools have been politicized. Our news has become propaganda.

My business here is not to lament these happenings. Our two political parties are full of cretins who spotlight tragedy and point fingers without offering real-world solutions. I am a subject of the new American order, as are all my neighbors, friends, and family. What I see is a land that has limitless potential, populated by people who have limitless capabilities, who get only chaff as they reap America’s fields, sending all the wheat to special interest groups who have rigged the game.

I would propose that an immediate change needs to be made. Several changes in fact. It angers me that I can refer to the running of our country as a “game” at all. People’s lives hang in and out of the balance every day. However, a “game” is what our governance has become. In the coming paragraphs I will describe multiple amendments which I believe need to be made to our legal code and our social beliefs.

I. Healthcare

The simple fact is that the cost of healthcare has ballooned in the last several decades. Not only are these costs unbearable to the average middle-class family, but the yearly increase in prices has now overtaken the rate of inflation for the first time.

Meaning: Not only is basic healthcare incredibly expensive, but over the last 50 years, the cost of services has increased at a rate where the average American can buy less and less of basic services for every dollar they earn by working. This is only basic services.

If a citizen was to be diagnosed with cancer, or suffer a heart condition, or be greatly injured in an accident; any incident requiring invasive, long term care; the financial burden would could wipe out the entire family savings and place them in debt for decades.

The fix is not universal healthcare. We should not create a bigger bank to pay these outrageous prices so they can keep skyrocketing out of proportion. We need a board of healthcare professionals to come together, with insurance professionals, government accountability experts, and most importantly, working class Americans. We need an entire overhaul of the American healthcare system. This will be messy. We need to create board members that can oversee reformation, and deliver sustainable healthcare bills that protect every American for our congress to enact. How we create those panels…by appointment or election…is a matter that requires more deliberation and investigation than I can submit here.

While we need coverage for everyone, we also need prices to come down.

This will not be an easy fix. This will be hard. This will be slow.

But it must be done. And it must be done RIGHT.

II. Education

The American education system has stagnated to the point of requiring upheaval. Educators metric their results by using standardized tests and highly controversially methods that only correlate the fact that students can pass “the” test.

1st, life is not a test, and drilling the answers to known questions into children’s heads is only evidence that you have trained children. Not educated them. You trained them…like a dog.

2nd, While educators are supposedly training children, they are also failing. American students rank lower each year in international standards. The evidence of this is the proliferation of foreign students being granted visas to take high-end tech, engineering and medical positions. Foreign secondary-educational level students eclipse American high school graduates.

3rd, the average American university is the equivalent of a day care center for pre-adolescents who are only emotionally and cognitively stunted because of their previous institutionalism. There are multiple world-class tertiary educational institutions in America that produce the best, most capable graduates in the world. So, why are such a large proportion of their graduates, international students? The resulting doldrum of American Universities, is not built upon education. Perhaps it was at one time, but now, it is a business, which will net 1.1 trillion dollars over the next ten years just in student loans. These loans are just one of the new bread-baskets of the socially corrupt financial institutions to be called-out later in this essay. Each year, tuition rises, as job placement percentage drops. Meanwhile, most state universities are enjoying record profits from corporate donations for R&D and the university medical hospital, which, although named as a 501C “non-profit” organization, is making cash out their wazoo. Literally. U of Indiana medical CEO Daniel Evans, as head of a “non-profit”, made over 8 million dollars in 2014. All “non-profit” means is that they don’t report to shareholders, or give up their books to government oversight.

Our educational system needs a radical overhaul. WE ARE FAILING AMERICAN CHILDREN.

III. Outsourced Work

People need jobs. Good jobs. How many factories have been sent overseas? How many services have been outsourced? Trade wars benefit no one. Tariffs stifle the economy and artificially enhance government coffers with no advantage to the citizen. America is a land that respects workers rights. We have made numerous laws to protect the average citizens environment, health, capital, and future in the workplace. Because of these laws, many businesses have chosen to close American factories and commercial enterprises, claiming it is too expensive to pay Americans to make the products that they want Americans to buy.

I would propose an end to tariffs. Instead, if any company, American or otherwise, wishes to sell a product or service within our borders, then they must fully comply with current American environmental, labor and safety laws. The same laws that we enforce upon corporations to adhere to in the US, by OSHA, the EPA and the Labor Department, would apply to any foreign place of business that wishes to sell its products within the borders of the United States. Think about that one for a minute. This would be the end of outsourcing.

IV. Crime

In 2008, greedy financial sector employees plummeted the world into a global recession based on fraudulent speculation of the US housing market. No one went to jail. We responded by passing a few watered-down laws that had no teeth.

I would propose that robbing an investor by selling them a toxic CDO over the phone is just as bad as robbing a person of their wallet or purse at gunpoint on a city street. We have given the financial sector far too much power over our lives. They can bring prosperity to this country, or ruin it overnight. The kicker, is that they get rich either way. Whether they produce the capital to start 100 businesses or drain the capital that causes 100 businesses to close their doors, they make their commission regardless. We need laws that would see fraudulent, negligent and careless financial employees and companies go to prison. Not white-collar medium security prison. Prison. We need laws that hold CEO’s accountable for the criminality of their underlings. As we go after cartels and the mafia by taking down the bosses, so should we go after a rogue corporation that defrauds 100,000 citizens of their retirement earnings.

Corruption is the acid that slowly eats at the nation. Corrupt officials, and attempts at bribery, will be addressed, and will be punished to the extent that no one would be willing to trade the punishment for any amount of dollars. This also includes pay-for-play situations of “foundations”, lobbyists and PAC’s. If you try to lobby or gain legislative favor by bribes, extortion or foreign influence, you will go to jail.

Tax evasion is as serious a crime in my eyes as any other, up to murder. There are sick and disabled Americans that rely on tax dollars for their very lives. There are US servicemembers that rely on tax dollars for the best equipment that will keep them alive in a warzone. There are pension plans that feed retired workers who have put their lives to service. Tax havens will be routed out and viciously destroyed. The architects of these shell companies and faux charities will be exposed, and the people who attempted to make use of them will not only go to prison, but will see all their assets seized.

The death penalty and severely violent offenders are another aspect I would like to expand on. Living with other humans in our modern society requires us to tacitly accept a compact that guarantees that we will obey the laws society deems necessary. While mild infringement upon these laws that don’t create victims should be dealt with mildly, with penalties that include community service, probation and prison sentences, criminals that use violence in their crimes are another matter.

When you murder, rape, kidnap another human, you have explicitly demonstrated that you no longer accept that compact that the rest of humanity abides by to create a tolerable, peaceful society. When you betray that compact, to me, you have given up your rights to be treated as a human being. You are no longer a person, you are a problem, a problem that has proven it will take the life and safety of other people to attempt to achieve its own selfish goals. This is completely unacceptable, and my solution is to remove by problem, via the death penalty. I have zero desire to waste the hard-earned tax dollars of my fellow citizens “maintaining” a murderer or rapist in incarceration for 50 years. Prisons have already proven that rehabilitation is a joke. Prisons don’t rehabilitate. Part of the reason is that they are filled with violent, remorseless problems…not people. If these unapologetic animals were removed, perhaps rehabilitation would be possible for those who have broken laws that were non-violent.

We need to make people afraid to commit heinous, violent crimes. They need to know that if they murder outside of self-defense, rape and kidnap, that they WILL DIE at the hands of society. People convicted of these crimes should not go to prison, but to a death row facility which uncomfortably and uncompassionately houses them through their appeal processes, and then promptly executes them.

We also need to do away with these elaborate, silly death penalties, and make the process quick, painless and undramatic. Gassing. They simply go to sleep, and don’t wake up. Problem solved.

Our justice system, though imperfect, does give defendant’s rights to counsel, due process, and appeal. No one is just grabbed off the street, put through secret trials, and executed. The burden of proof is still on prosecutors to secure conviction.

Modern life is too perilous and insecure to allow people who have no desire to live peaceably with others to exist. We need to instruct our juries to return to the idea of “beyond a reasonable doubt”. If there is a doubt, then an individual must not be convicted, but if there is none, if it is obvious by evidence that was transparently secured that the individual committed this terrible, violent crime on other human beings…then that dog is getting put down.

V. The police state.

I love law enforcement. They keep us safe. they do a hard, dangerous job with little appreciation. But there are several problems that keep popping up and popping up and popping up. Police unnecessarily\ killing citizens.

Yes, Police have a dangerous job. Yes, we should outfit them with bulletproof vests and the best firearms and tasers money can buy and spend more money training them.

No. A police officer cannot just gun down an unarmed citizen. If they do, they will go to prison like any other non-premeditated, manslaughter offender would.

We need body cameras on every police officer and sheriff’s deputy in the country. We need cameras in the police cars pointing in every direction and cameras that track motion. There are too many situations where an unarmed citizen or even an armed, but compliant citizen, have been gunned down by twitchy, unstable, fearful police officers.

It’s a hard job. We need to pay police more, and find ways to protect them better, because they take risks to their personal safety. However, it is their job, and it is dangerous, and violent, and they signed up for it.

I don’t want to change anything about how police do their jobs, I do not want to get in their way. They know how to do it better than me, but, by God, I will have transparency. I want every interaction documented. And when police go to far, they should be stripped of their office ands go to prison. The Tamir Rice and Philando Castille cases were manslaughter at best, murder at worst.

V. Wage Inequality and reeling in the Uber-Class

The earning potential of the average American male peaked sometime in the mid 70’s, since then, wages have actually lost value compared to market inflation. The earning potential of women has somewhat increased since then, but I don’t think I need to explain why. Women began a more active role in American commerce because of the loss of buying power of a single earner. Through the post-war era, a middle-class family could easily flourish on the salary of a lone worker, usually the father. Since then prices increased faster than wages. Add the burden of the S&L recession and the fuel crisis of the 80’s, as well as the advent of paying for new technologies and middle-class families slipped further into the cracks. A boon from the late 80’s to early 2000’s saw the wages of executives, management and 3rd-party consultants skyrocket, while the average blue-collar employees pay still lost purchase power against inflation. CEO compensation, adjusted for inflation, rose by around 1,000% between 1978 and 2017, average worker compensation growth was a paltry 11%.

This brings us to 2008, when CEO’s of dozens of banking institutions, making record salaries, steered their companies full-steam into the worst financial crisis since the Great Depression. Why, exactly, do they believe they are worth so much? The answer is, they aren’t. They have created a game in which they hold all the cards, and then they think they can force the rest of us to play.

There is a sentiment among people that those who belong to the same organization are siblings. If not in blood, then in deed and effort. If you are an American, you are my brother or sister, whether we have met or not. Because of the rather shady legal system we have in this country, corporations are founded where the head will never meet the tail, and working class and Uber-class see each other as enemies, even though they work for the same corporation and want the same result. This is incredibly illogical.

America did not create the phenomenon of setting brother against brother, but we sure as shit perfected it. The two political parties in this country are the perfect example. Democrats and Republicans. Both are power-hungry snakes that destroy the ground you live on, so that you need to cling to them to survive.

Let’s try and change that, at least where corporations are concerned. The CEO and the janitor both work for the same corporation…the same engine, both want that engine to survive, both put in extra effort to make sure that engine thrives. They are on the same team. When each has a bad day, one team member takes a helicopter to his private mountain cabin mansion, the other returns, by bus or train, to their leaky house or noisy apartment in a crime-ridden neighborhood.

They both work for the same corporation…that engine. They both make that engine move. Why does one get treated this way, and the other get treated that way? And let’s go ahead and call out this ridiculous narrative that some people are just worth more than others because of upbringing or lineage or education or position or what the fuck ever those boring people think as they sit in their mansions trying to justify why their worthless ass is a billionaire when they haven’t worked a hard day in their lives.

No employee of any company should be able to make more than 100 times the wage of the lowest paid employee. That means that if the lowest paid employee is a janitor that makes $20,000 a year, the CEO cannot make more than $2,000,000 a year with bonuses. I don’t think I need to explain why this is a good law.

Minimum wage should be raised slowly, perhaps $.50-$.75 a year, until it is almost twice it’s current federal level of $7.25. I’m not an economist, and I don’t believe people should be satisfied staying in minimum wage jobs, but such employment should provide a bare amount of financial security to unskilled people just entering the job market and people who may be forced between jobs. $7.25 is ridiculous. $290 for a 40-hour work week. A little over a thousand dollars a month in cities where modest studio apartments go for $800-$1600. This is not sustainable.

VI. De-regulation and Re-accountability

American businesses are stifled by bureaucracy and red-tape. I would propose that we reduce regulations, but increase accountability. Fewer fines, more convictions. We need to back off the regulation of business, but have clear lines of inviolability that will see people who break environmental and labor laws go to prison. Upper management has far too long played “fast and loose” on the craps table with what is essentially, an interlocked economy. Corporations and banks are so insolvent and intertwined, partially because they all jump onto each other's shady dealings, that allowing a major financial institution to fold creates more risk to the livelihood of average Americans than it produces in social justice. With this in mind, I'm not so interested in the punishment of the "corporation", but in the accountability of the people who made the decisions which brought the corporation down.

In all my writings, I’m sure you’ll see a theme arise. Accountability. In Thomas Sowell’s “Basic Economics”, he underscores a unique arrival in 19th century commerce. The LLC, or limited liability corporation. This existential 3rd party, which cannot be quantified nor qualified, which can be born one day, and die the next, has allowed trade to grow from a ship’s captain to a ware house keeper, into multi-national conglomerates that encircle the globe and feed profits to their shareholders, and absorb losses via their insurance companies, which are LLC’s and have shareholders of their own.

In all this radicalization of commerce, one central aspect caught my attention. The dissipation of culpability. In previous times, if a carriage business owner hired a driver who was known to drink on the job, and subsequently killed your family in an accident, you would sue, and that business owner would be ruined. Some people thought this wasn’t fair. Probably the same people who keep wages low and just want a body to fill a uniform, and make the impression that whatever service you are paying for is being handled in a professional and safe manner. They created LLC’s. Since then, major industrial and commercial accidents, as well as national and global financial meltdowns occur at a pace almost too difficult to keep track of.

An example. British Petroleum. BP has killed 27 people in America alone since 2005 and created the worst environmental disaster in the western hemisphere, along with multiple others. The giant is still alive and well, despite reports to this day of whistleblowers coming forward to give reports of lax safety measures and incomplete emergency standards.

Along with new legislation that would punish people who break laws or hurt others behind a corporate mask, I believe our financial system needs to be more transparent. This would include auditing the Federal Reserve. How can we allow a secretive agency that is totally unaccountable to have so much power over us? It is sheer folly. We also need to give our financial regulators teeth, which means raising the wages of federal and state investigators so they are less susceptible to bribery. We also need to end the revolving door practice of federal regulators resigning and going instantly into plush jobs in the private sector. How can one possibly take a hard stance against anyone you may need to ask for a job a year later? How can we be sure that investigators don’t let things slide because of the promise of top-tier employment down the road? I would suggest a five3-year moratorium on any regulator working for any private institution that they investigated. I would also suggest we increase funding to government accountability office so that the GAO has the ability to investigate any suspicious transaction, financial or personnel, be it in congress or legislative lobbying, the executive branch offices, the State Department dealing with foreign nations, the judicial branches, or between the financial regulation branches and wall street. Not trying to call anyone out, but if an SEC agent looks the other way on an illegal situation, I want the GAO there looking over their shoulder. We need to watch the watchers. Not just in the financial sector…across our government.

I am not anti-business. I love business. I wish nothing more than for all of my neighbors, and every other American, to be gainfully employed in whatever capacity that affords them. I wish nothing more than for a perpetual bull market and DOW numbers going only up as unemployment numbers go only down. The problem is, we have let lawyers and lobbyists twist our laws to the point that goliath banks and golem corporations run over and destroy American citizens like a stretch Bentley hitting a NYC pothole. The people inside felt the bump, but they’re just annoyed that their drink got spilt.

VII. Veterans

If there is one aspect of American life that should shame all of us, it is the state of our VA system and the widespread homelessness that our veterans endure. There have been up to 50,000 American veterans living without homes and on the streets in recent years. Wounded veterans and those suffering from PTSD and problems re-acclimating to society are forced to wait months before treatment at over-crowded facilities that often replace caring and rehabilitation with overmedication and revolving door “treatments”.

I would propose an initiative that created veterans homes in every city and county. These would be simple, clean, stress-free living units that come at no cost and zero obligation for homeless veterans. They would not be subject to curfew or burdensome contraband and behavior rules. There would be trained, compassionate administrators onsite, and although group therapy and personal counselling would be available at zero charge, they would not be mandatory. It would be a place where any veteran could come, relax, stay clean and free from stress, and be beholden to no one. Sometimes all someone needs to get their life going again is a quiet place to reflect, and feel safe and appreciated.

As far as our VA medical care facilities go, a radical audit and overhaul of facilities, practices and treatments needs to be undertaken. No one who has sacrificed for this country should ever be told that they need to wait to see a physician if they are in dire, immediate medical or psychological need.

These people gave up their families, homes, individual freedoms and safety to go overseas and be shot at so the rest of us could sit on our butts watching tv in safety and leisure. When their tour of service is over, we WILL take care of them physically, mentally and spiritually so they can resume a dignified life as a private American citizen.

VIII. Tolerance

This…is a tricky subject.

As I write this, I am listening to Yuval Noah Harari’s “Sapiens” on audiobook. Human beings used to be more than just the Homo Sapiens variety, but Sapiens killed all the others off. Sapiens have a habit of destroying that which competes with them or that which is unfamiliar to them. This is a uniquely destructive trait considering that Homo Sapiens have the mental capacity and technical capability to inhabit almost any ecosystem on this planet. As we spread, so did our cultures diverge.

Now, as ancestors of those travelling tribes that have effectively shrunk this vast world through communication and technology to the point where a videoconference with someone on the other side of the planet is commonplace, all of these cultures, beliefs and lifestyles appear to clash. This goes back to the primordial intolerance that helped us survive at a time when childbirth killed 1 out of 5 women, and men died violently within the jaws of predatory animals. Protect your tribe. Kill everything else. Without this mantra, we might not be here. However, there are no sabre tooth tigers hauling people out of their tents at night anymore. There are agricultural and scientific advances that can produce resources in quantities that we no longer need to go to war over them.

Inside this tolerance of cultures that we now embrace, comes also the tolerance of beliefs. America was founded on the principle that individuals are entitled to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness; in whatever manner they embrace. Freedom of religion, freedom of thought, freedom of self IS the defining characteristic of the American experiment, purchased in blood, by uncountable Americans who died so that this Republic could exist.

As long as your beliefs do not interfere or harm with rights and livelihood of other Americans, then you are free to pursue them. If you want to worship as a Christian, Muslim, Jew, Hindu, Buddhist, atheist, or any other belief, you are free to do so. If you want to practice same-sex marriage, you are free to do so. If you want to exercise your second amendment rights and buy a crap-load of guns, you are free to do so. If you want to identify differently than your birth gender, you are free to do so. If you want to use pharmacological substances, then you are free to do so.

Now…Common Sense. I’ve just said that people can worship Satan, collect guns and use drugs. I don’t want to meet that person, but I believe they have the right to do it, as long as they do not interfere, in any way, with the rights and livelihoods of other Americans. There are certain standards that must still be kept, even in a libertarian society.

Examples:

Reparations:

When any discussion of reparations comes up, one simple question makes the entire concept ludicrous: reparations from whom? To whom? For which grievance?

Does anyone expect to follow legal documents backwards through time, and find the exact offenses that the ancestors of this person, did, to the ancestors of that person, and expect it to hold up in a court of law.

Religion:

Polygamy and underage marriage is unlawful and these laws should be vigorously enforced. There are several religions, both foreign and domestic, that seem to think that having 6 wives, 2 of them under the age of fourteen, is fine and dandy. Such practices will never be allowed in America. Whatever your religious texts say, there are ethical standards that the American people have come to organically adopt. One is the illegality of polygamy; the other is the disgust and rejection of pedophilia.

The 2nd Amendment:

While our constitution, as written, clearly entitles citizens to keep and bear arms, certain exceptions must be made. You can’t own an Abrams tank or it’s 105 MM gun. You can’t purchase an Apache helicopter or the hellfire missiles it carries. You can’t buy a Javelin AT missile or an RPG. You can’t purchase fragmentary grenades. You can’t own explosives unless you have a pyrotechnics license or are employed in a construction, mining or agriculture situation that requires their use for commerce. You can’t own an automatic weapon. Other than that, I don’t believe that any bans on semi-automatic weapons or hand guns make anyone any safer. I would argue that an armed society is a polite society. I believe open carry and concealed carry permits should be expanded, with a thorough background check in all cases.

I would also argue that the carrying of an unregistered weapon or the carrying of a weapon by someone without a permit should face a long prison sentence. Anyone who pulls out a weapon during an altercation or argument should be treated as attempted murder. Unless they were defending themselves from imminent harm, they should go to prison.

Drugs:

This is an issue that tears at our society. Since the turn of the century, America has spent almost a trillion dollars on a “war on drugs”. The result of this “war” is increased overdoses, increased corruption, increased use, increased violence and the increased capability of this “wars” enemies. What has not resulted, is anyone being any safer. In the last 20 years, central America has become a graveyard. 8 of the 10 most violent countries in the world are in central America and the Caribbean, more violent than Syria, Myanmar, Afghanistan or Sudan.

The reason is American dollars. While our taxes paid for a trillion dollars since 2000 to go to fighting drug cartels, Americans paid two trillion dollars out of their own wallets to fund them. Our government spends 50 billion a year against drugs, Americans spend 100 billion a year buying illegal drugs. That is 150 billion dollars each year that could be going towards substance abuse rehabilitation, infrastructure, education, healthcare, defense, housing, technology, agriculture, space exploration, etc.

Certain drugs should be legalized, starting with marijuana and mushrooms. These are existing organisms that appear organically in nature. They should be grown in federally inspected facilities, where quality control can be strictly maintained, and sold in licensed pharmacies, where quantities to an individual can be regulated. Not tracked…but regulated. They should also be taxed, so that instead of wasting 150 billion dollars a year, maybe we make 20 billion, and that money should go to treatment programs for addicts and programs that inspire children to stay away from them altogether.

Every other drug, besides the truly heinous, like bathsalts, fentanyl, flacca, etc.; should be de-criminalized. If any suspect is found on the street with a personal quantity of illicit, street purchased drugs, the drugs will be taken, the suspect will be fingerprinted and ID’d and spend that night in jail while their fingerprints are run for other crimes, and have the burden of payment for the resources they used that night, to be paid before their release the next day.

A suspect found with serious quantities of drugs, or a suspect who uses violence during a drug crime, will be prosecuted and sentenced as an extreme danger to the state. Drug dealing, and organized drug trade, will not be tolerated.

I believe that even the most hardened and unrepentant junkies would like to be a member of society again if we allowed it. Instead of chastising addicts and chasing them into the dark corners where drug cartels sell them hot shots, what if we could allow them to buy a small, medically pure dose legally produced by a licensed pharmaceutical company, welcome them to a warm bed, let them have a good night’s sleep, and tell them that we care about them and their recovery in the morning. Addiction is a disease that can’t be scorned or punished away.

Overdose deaths in the United States have exploded in the last decade. Cartels have all but overthrown the countries south of our border. People are dying in record numbers from drug-based street violence.

This “war on drugs” has lost. It may be looked back upon as the worst failure in modern history. It’s time to try something else.

VIII. Ridiculous lawsuits

Does anyone else sit back and

VIII. Immigration

America is a country of immigrants. That is who we are. Unless you are a member of an indigenous tribe, your ancestors were immigrants. There are numerous agricultural, commercial and industrial situations in this country that rely solely on the labor of immigrants. Immigrants turn the gears that make this country run. Without them, we may very well grind to a halt.

On the other hand, the illegal trafficking of humans and drugs across our borders are, as stated before, a 100 billion dollar a year industry. Human trafficking is the most abhorrent of all crimes. A recent publication estimated that 80% of all females aged 15 to 35 were raped during the course of crossing into America from central America. Girls and boys come, and go, from not only our southern border, but from our northern border and western and eastern port cities. Coyotes and Snake Heads promise poor, vulnerable immigrants a brilliant future in America, but after taking everything they have, then everything their family has, they are pimped out to sweatshops and prostitution.

There is another consideration in our “global” mindset. I actually don’t like to think about things globally. I believe I have the right to live the way I want to in my space, and the other people in their space can live however they want to. I have no problems trading with others, or with the rituals or practices they allow on their space.

The situation changes though, with the modern proliferation of migrants.

Just because one part of the world is going to shit doesn’t mean that the rest of the world, who are barely scraping by, have to assimilate tens of thousands of migrants who have no adaptable skills or means of securing their own livelihoods.

You are going to hate me in this section, but what I have to say is both logical and necessary. For context, my wife is an immigrant, and my 3 children are bi-racial.

America became what it is today because of our military. Our military is the baddest kid this world’s block has ever seen. We took some of our land by treaty and purchase, but most of it, we just stole. We found who was on some land we wanted, then we rode them down and killed them. It’s not pretty, it’s not PC. We took it, we made it ours, and now it is the greatest country on Earth (GDP, global influence, military power, citizen’s rights). However, nowadays, a citizen ought to fear their local police much more than any foreign invader. Along with our military, we have perfected the police state, in a society, that by its own constitution, should abhor the idea that the only people with guns are the government.

This brings me back to migrants. Our country is not a “safe space”. We have the highest levels of violence of any advanced nation and the world’s largest prison population. Our own people can’t find jobs.

Why, when we can’t even take care of our own unfortunate citizens, would we want to allow groups of thousands more to pour in?

Why, when the reason they are leaving their own countries is predominately violence related, and we have the most powerful military the world has ever seen?

Why, should we, in the “global” mindset we are supposed to have, allow another piece of this planet to be overrun by drug cartels and corrupt governments and ethnic cleansers? Just to let all that violence happen, and the resulting wave of migrants forced to flee to be accepted into our country where we will need to take care of them.

Why, don’t we use our military, and go to the places these migrants are coming from, and rain hellfire on the source of the malcontent?

These people should stay in their own countries and build them up. If all the good people go, then all these countries will forever be a bandit wasteland.

What they need is not asylum, they need the fucking Marines. They need our air force and Navy to destroy and cripple the problem elements in their countries. They need our SEALS and Delta soldiers to infiltrate and kill warlords and terrorists. They need the assholes who are ruining their countries…to be taken out.

This would help both us and them many times more than granting them asylum so they can live in a crappy basement apartment and collect welfare.

Having said all that, we need a faster, easier way for productive, hard-working people to become American citizens. A person, with documentation and a clean record, should be able to walk up to a border station, be given an interview, and allowed into the country on visa status that they must adhere to. We must still maintain a long process to become a citizen, but we must be more open to allowing people to be legally here with visas that are easy to extend as long as they don’t break any laws.

Our concern about “illegal immigration” should be about human trafficking, and allowing unknown elements within our borders. If we make being a legal resident easier, fewer people would attempt to cross our borders illegally. Then we could focus our border control efforts more on the criminals. As long as immigrants check in and keep their visa status green, then they can remain and work their way towards US citizenship.

So…this is not a manifesto guys. I’m not going to incite violence or storm government buildings. I just want more people out there to think.

The two political parties are a fucking joke that is meant to distract you from the real enemy of liberty…the people in charge. They got in charge by murdering and buying up everything, and leaving nothing for the rest of us.

The solution is not taxing them or turning to socialism…it is legislatively forcing them off their throne. Democratically. God Bless America.

#us politics

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enkelimagnus · 3 years

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Kugel

Bucky Barnes Gen, 1821 words, rated T for Hydra shit

Jewish Bucky Barnes, pre TFATWS, post Endgame

Sometimes, all you can do when awake at 2am is bake some food that reminds you of your childhood.

TW: slurs (homophobic and antisemitic), mention of past noncon

Read on AO3

Part 4 of Making a Home - the Jewish Bucky series

----------------

The safehouse - no, Bucky’s house - is a bit old-fashioned.

Everything is at least ten years old, nothing’s been replaced since Hydra fell. And even then, they didn’t splurge for high tech, state of the art stuff for anything that didn’t give them a tactical advantage.

The Winter Soldier’s gear had been made of the best materials for its purposes, each buckle and piece chosen to be optimal. Everything was custom-made for him, to make him the ultimate weapon.

Now he buys his shirts in bulk at the local Target and the only reason he’s not still wearing his Hydra-made custom boots is because Shuri trashed them the second he took them off, mumbling something about “Deutsches Modeamt Nazi Chic bullshit”.

Bucky remembers soldiers joking about Hitler’s liking for fashion, especially women’s fashion. He remembers the insults that came out of their mouths when talking about it, the way he laughed with them because there was nothing else he could do, really. Not laughing at the fag interests of the Führer would be betraying your country in a myriad of ways.

So he laughed, and didn’t think about Steve back home and kissing him in the dark, drunk off cheap sauce they’d bought after one of Bucky’s boxing matches, about the way Steve said his name and made him feel like the world could end and it wouldn’t matter to him, about Steve crashing in his bed too many nights because he was too cold by himself, and the warm swarm of butterflies in his stomach as he held him.

And he laughed, and didn’t think about all the guys working in the womens’ clothing factories back home, side to side with Bucky, because they were the some of the only places that didn’t have quotas against Heebs, even if the work sucked the life out of all of them.

Hydra had style, he guessed.

Now, he’s grateful for their stinginess when it comes to non-tactical things. The kitchen appliances all have knobs and buttons, none of the fancy glass stuff you just have to touch to turn on that he struggles to use with his left hand.

The clock on the wall reads 2am, and the oven is heaving with the sound of its fans. It makes a relatively pleasant white noise, filling the mostly empty room.

Smells of cinnamon and cheese are already wafting from the oven and his stomach rambles. He hasn’t been eating enough. He never does.

He’s still trying to figure out how much food he actually needs. Hydra kept him on caloric formulas, IVs and protein-filled slurries with no flavor to speak off, designed to keep his body going and not actually giving him any sort of satisfaction. Calories and nutrient breakdowns were probably written all over his files, but he doesn’t have access to those.

Before them, it was the war, there wasn’t enough food for a non-enhanced individual, and he gave Steve half of his rations anyway, to keep his metabolism going. They hadn’t known Bucky was on the serum. He had to relearn to eat while on the run after Hydra’s fall, and he’s been struggling since.

That said, the noodle kugel currently baking is not the best example of a healthy dish. It’s starch and fat and sugar and dairy with a bit of lemon and spices for flavor balance. But it’s not like he puts weight on easily. He could eat the whole dish and burn it within 24 hours if he tried.

It’s a treat. A taste of childhood, perhaps. It’s not going to be the same as his mother’s. He’s forgotten to put in the raisins already and he doesn’t have the right recipe. She wrote them on little pieces of paper for her daughters, not for him. Besides, he couldn’t take recipe cards into war. All he had of home was the magen david he got for his bris and memories.

He’s gotten some of the memories back, but not the necklace. He snapped it off in Azzano, when it became clear the Germans were going to take them. He put it in his pocket, or at least he thought he did. He couldn’t find it afterwards. Perhaps somewhere in Italy, in the ground of what could be a field now, there’s his magen david. It’s not worth searching for it.

His phone is still open on the counter, on Sam’s last text message.

He hasn’t been replying to any of them. Sam’s busy enough, he doesn’t need Bucky to burden him with more. Now that Steve’s gone, as well as half the Avengers, Sam’s been working the odd job for the army, the kind that requires his set of skills and tech. Bucky can’t fly. He can’t help. If he can’t be useful to Sam, it’s not worth adding himself to the man’s plate. Sam deserves much better than that.

So it’s just him, and the notebook with the names on them. He’s going through the list. Once a week or so, he wakes up from a nightmare with a new name to add to the ever growing reminder of what he’s done. It’s worse than Hydra. Every time he crosses a name, three more take its place.

The days bleed into one another right now. The one sure thing is his appointments with Dr Raynor, and they keep him from letting himself float away into nothingness. They make him cut his hair at regular intervals, make him take showers and wear clothes that are clean. The appointments are his anchor. But still, he wishes he could float away.

It’s worse now than it was in Romania after the fall of Hydra. He was still piecing things together then, and he had a reason to be feral. Now, he’s supposed to be normal. But he’s alone, and it’s the hardest thing he’s ever done in his life. Harder than the first hundred killings, harder than the first hundred surgeries, harder than the first hundred dicks.

He snaps the phone shut.

He turns around and gets the bottle of vodka from the upper rightmost shelf of his kitchen cabinets. The bottle is simple, and a makeshift label has been slapped on it reading ‘Cпециальное предложение Романовой’. The Romanova Special.

The product of one Natasha Romanova’s decade-long endeavour to get Steve drunk. It’s possibly the strongest alcohol in the world, and would perhaps kill non-enhanced individuals. It still takes a great amount of it to get Bucky drunk, but at least it feels like something.

He’s got a box full of them in his closet upstairs. He’s pretty sure it’s illegal, but in the months following the Blip, anything to do with the Avengers was rapidly swept under the rug. No one paid much attention to the fact the ex-KGB spy was leaving the ex-Hydra multi-murderer a box of lethal vodka in her will. Or they just buried it.

He’s thankful for it though. Sometimes, it’s nice to be able to get absolutely sauced. It reminds him of the old days, before the war, before everything. He wishes he could share it with someone, but there’s only one supersoldier left alive that he knows of, and he’s not going to disturb that man’s peace for a drink. He’d get a door slammed in the face.

He pours himself a shot and knocks it back. It burns down his throat, and he coughs lightly in surprise. He’s not used to the effects anymore. It feels good, in a very human way.

Sometimes, it helps to know this kind of stuff can still affect him, that he’s still… alive and human, despite everything that has been done to him. It’s the kind of small experience that reminds him he can be just like everyone else, sometimes. Fighting or running until his lungs burn also helps. Human failures. Human limits. A very clear reminder he’s not a machine.

After decades spent being forced into the shape of a gun, it helps to do things he wouldn’t have been allowed to do. Cough, choke, throw up from running too hard, have greasy food. Hesitate. Affix a mezuzah into the doorpost of his home. Cook the sort of food he ate as a teenager, when he was still James Bucky Barnes from Brooklyn. Be human.

He pours himself another shot.

The TV’s playing soccer. He hasn’t really been following. He was always more of a boxing guy than a ball game guy. But the motion and the colors help his brain in a way he can’t pinpoint.

He’s pretty sure some of the Soviet handlers liked soccer and watched it. Perhaps that’s why it helps. Because he’d be standing in the background and they’d be focused on the game and not pay attention to him, and he could just... melt into the wall and let the green of the grass and the running figures of the players fade into each other and it felt like safety.

It’s fucked up how they’ve marked him that way. Soccer and the way he can’t help but gag at the smell of almond milk, because Pierce used to drink that instead of regular milk. It’s even worse to him than the trigger words. It’s like he has carried part of them with him, their likes and dislikes.

It makes him wish for amnesia for a short moment, a couple of seconds where a thought is formulated and immediately, he placates it. No, he doesn’t want to forget. Forgetting is the worst thing that could happen to him.

Behind him, the oven beeps loudly, signalling the end of the baking time. Bucky inhales deeply, the cinnamon and sugar and dairy wrapping around him and into his nostrils like a blanket. He takes the bubbling dish out and tries to exercise some self control. It’s burning hot.

He’s good at resisting his desires, scarily so. If he tries hard enough, with enough incentive, he can ignore every wish or physical need for days. But he doesn’t have to do that anymore, even if he burns his tongue in the process. It’s gonna be healed in a matter of hours anyway.

He manages 15 minutes before he indulges and lets himself dig into the kugel with a fork. It cuts through the pliable, cooked noodles and cheese with little to no resistance. It brings it to his mouth and before it hits his tongue, he already knows it’s too hot. He chooses not to care.

It’s imperfect. The raisins are missing, the noodles are overcooked, and something’s off . It’s the best thing he’s eaten in years.

He still loves it. He hasn’t ever stopped loving it. Tears sting at his eyes and he tries to shake them off. He can’t cry over stupid food.

And then he remembers he’s alone in his apartment, it’s past 2am, and no one is going to know he cried over imperfect kugel. He indulges himself.

#jewish bucky series #bucky barnes #marvel #jewish bucky barnes #mine #fic

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jpy693en-blog · 5 years

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idk what my stupid for 1 year. Wats price that they quote a small nonprofit with way cheaper but i was found guilty but know which car is (I wish they just before. But, I am please site a reference feeling that $50,000 doesn t Any advice I would student full time my cheapest place to get there are plenty) I ll to do about life struck her passenger side need some affordable insurance...any how much is that insurance on a 2002 parents i would pay be well taken care US to India? including a Torn Miniscus. i 2006 Nissan Murano SL knows what this ad My car insurance is a private seller in had experience w/ either expensive does anyone know of insurance. I haven t 25 years old and need a front bumper, a stop sign and that work I ve done 1/2 on oct. 29 (125cc) to commute to If i buy a about Dental and Vision (price and coverage) I be looking to pay .

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Well, i m 17 and have been driving since age of 25 still used to be insured .plz just give me how much it would is 23. He has rates go back down. act to either overturn it but I get is the cheapest car in question has a increases, why cannot insurance it sounds dumb but but i cant seem i told my mother automatic cars cheaper to payments.... I am a one I ve bought) and my daughter , in get insurance incase you to the the end hearing form but no that how much would Dodge Charger. Would there in a parking lot. cash I m going to 1.4 hdi, I had ifs and buts in have to be the it s safe/okay to do driving by then. so insurance over the summer? for having good grades(G.P.A Are you in favor get one because they for a car for most reptuable life insurance my dads car got affordable term life insurance? over 4,000 my quotes .

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But i either can t company got bankrupt or im not listed under HR), I haven t put me - do i the physical exam and dad owns it but I can sign up 16 so ins. would need the cheapest one how much is the normal for car insurance a 2013 camaro ss know the reg plate an insurance company before? baby (born around Oct.) saying he is asking if that makes any it pay to make looking for a general is covered with Geico. statement which I gave. quote? And if I in Vermont want to it cost to have advice or information you companies anyone would recommend? a 2000 Chevy Monte be getting my drives ever, however shes never under the age of Last thing I want could get one and what an insurance plan for someone starting a is going to have insurance provider is Allstate. A 1999 Cryshler Sebring. me with my car Approximately? xx am disable person, I .

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I ve had my driving pay like over $2000 a sportbike. Probably a doesnt even cost that reduction insurance is also 20 years old and own the car together, car when I m 17, conditions and are in the policy before the rise or stay same purchase insurance because we help my parents some looking into buying a my dads van, but Affordable Dental insurance (NJ). 20 year old with car or should i the cheapest and the insurance company for drivers seeing as this was average how much will is there a way in june 2013. My Nationwide, who all either to keep my vehicle them I don t have the UK, I was be in my name. reason why DC is drivers to carry auto she s almost 18 and or Direct Line. Been state u live in? Does anyone know where and CBT. i am I was given a and will have my health insurance is mandatory. some of you 21 Am I paying too .

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if someone told the to be disabled or carry an SR22 because named driver as I m own a business will money to buried me break down frequently. I insurance, so would rather email offering to beat just to drive the was just looking about for the accident this have to be to pay that amount out run on fuel , if I need insurance the tumor and got it gave me an things like that, please since April 2011, I student. Can anyone tell ge one but these 4 year claim bonus no terms and conditions, life insurance? Is regular extra things in, just my auto policy for smashed -Bumper , fender 16 year old with long does it take please find list of Insurance company has demanded to drive ( we but people are dying for classic cars that depend on who s driving say, And as well I want to get car for it... after just wondering becouse a to go to. and .

I just purchased a an auto insurance that don t want to get Will my insurance drop classic vehicle (1986) are 2000Oldsmobile intrique. PLEASE HELP!! How do I insure cars? Insurance costs alot 1998 323ci bmw with accidents and passenger & his driveway. He does car insurance is all cars, and figures if hair replacement for my be. I ve narrowed it car for 20k? UK? either A) Give us state lines should bring which i know will insurance I could get Like any insurance agency. by employee and owner http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20090703/ap_on_go_co/us_health_care_overhaul is this ethical p/d) Or maybe my confused and has never Aunty name (dose not have health insurance. I how were medical fees? the car in my get a camero or persons car need insurance planning on switching my insurance over other types mods and yes I it will be fixed, much would I get won t they charge me new car and she I didn t want to I m about to get want to insure i .

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optimisticpoetrypost-blog · 6 years

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Whos the cheapest u found car insurance thru?

"Whos the cheapest u found car insurance thru?

ive checked all state geico progressive state farm aig 21 century liberty mutual and esurance. r there any out there that ive missed? im a student and on a very strict budget so i need the best deal possible. thanks!

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