#ive been talking about this for like half an hour im so ANGRY

[ljuerlav]

how do you ask your roommate to leave surfaces generally in a clean and working order. not even talking about clutter but like oil and grime and shit

[dckweed]

Billy Hargrove x female hopper! reader smut /fluff where the reader is hopper/Joyce’s daughter (Byers /hopper family dynamic) and the reader has been sneaking out at night to get railed by billy. One day hopper is patrolling around lovers lake and the reader and billy are going at it and hopper taps on the window with his flash light telling Hargrove to cut it out but doesn’t know the reader is there, but one day when el, Jonathan, the reader, will, hopper and Joyce are having a family dinner Jonathan keeps poking fun at the reader for spotting her with billy in the hallways at school but she says it’s nothing and they continue with dinner. As they finish up Joyce spots bruises (like hand mark shaped bruises which were ovbvi from billy and hers sexual encounters) on the readers neck and she gets worried that billy may have done something to her so asks her what happened thinking the reader got hurt, and the reader keeps telling her it’s nothing and then hopper walks in and sees the bruises too and starts raising his voice so she tells them that no one hurt her and she explains without exposing and they catch on, and hopper realizes that she was the one with billy that night.

okay so i saw this come in and immediately i was actually excited to do this bc i already see it going in my brain, and technically i have one ahead of this and im so so sorry bc i was not expecting this to take me two whole days to write but omg here you go. this definitely has to be one of the longest ones ive ever written and i definitely want to do a part two bc i think it turned out super super good.

let me know what you think bby !!

warnings: minors do not read. sexual plot, choking, bruising, semi-public sex, almost getting caught, please wear condoms, this is purely for fictional pleasure only! Also fluff, angry parents, sibling dynamic! alot of flabbergasted hopper at the end lmao.

anywhore, i present you:

Part Two

' NOT PARENT FRIENDLY ' billy hargrove x female! reader

Now look, you were a good girl okay? You kept your head down, your grades up, you stayed out of trouble, you did the right things, you were co-captain of the Hawkins High Cheer squad, and you were the best big sister you could be to Eleven, who adores you almost more than she adores eggos. But that didn't mean that you didn't know how to be a bad girl, because believe you me, good girls are just bad girls that haven't been caught. Well, that is until tonight however, or almost anyway.

Your father was working the night shift, policing the now oddly quiet town of Hawkins through the evening and into the early morning hours, and you figured it was the perfect time to sneak out and see your boyfriend who was only your boyfriend in secret, which upset you but god you were addicted to him in ways that you didn't even think were possible to become addicted to someone.

In other words, he had you dick whipped. But even besides that, you had been drawn to him. Sure, he was a dick and a half at all hours of the day when he was around people who weren't you, and you knew that that was just a front because he didnt want to look weak around them, he didnt want them to see him the way his father did. It made your heart hurt for him, but you knew he didnt like to talk too much about it, which is why you hardly ever asked and chose to cherish the moments you had alone with him, where he was sweet and loving, almost dorky even.

Billy Hargrove wasn't what people thought he was, and you just wished you could show that to the world some day, but you couldn't. With a sigh you finish brushing your hair and turn to your little sister with a flourish. "What do you think, El?" You ask, looking at her hopefully. You had done the bare minimum of lip gloss, and had slicked your hair back with some barrettes, hoping you looked cute but still innocent enough, something that always manages to drive Billy crazy.

Eleven laid on her bed, reading a book on her stomach as you primped yourself in your shared mirror. "We're not supposed to leave.." She says, looking at you. "But you look pretty..you always look pretty."

"Sweetie, what dad doesn't know won't hurt him." You says, leaning against the dresser for a moment. You knew you were risking alot, you'd never been on your father's bad side before and sure enough this would be the thing that would put you there, but you were willing to risk it, in your teenaged brain it was completely worth the wrath of your father if you got caught. "Can you keep a secret for me?" You ask, just as a car honks from outside. You perk up, that was Billy. You had called him half an hour ago and as usual, he was punctual. "Please, El? I don't get to see him any other time.."

El nods, just as Billy honks a second time and you squeal, giving her a quick kiss on the cheek before running through the dark living room and out of the front door.

"About damn ti-" You cut him off mid sentence, giving him a nice long kiss, your hand in his hair. You pull away from him, noticing the slightly dazed look on his face. "What was that for?" He asks, reversing out of the driveway.

You shrug, buckling your seatbelt. "I missed you." Is all you say, giving him a small, happy smile. He says nothing, but places his hand over your thigh, giving it a nice squeeze with his large, warm hands.

Billy wasn't a sweetheart by any means, but he did have is sweet moments, and one of them seemed to have been tonight. He decided that he'd take you on a little dinner date and brought you to your favorite pizza parlor, where he even ordered your favorite pizza for you while you went to the restroom because even though he hated to admit it, he really did know you that well.

You sat across from him, gabbing on about how your day had gone, telling him about how you wanted to sucker punch your co-captain after she had been mean to some of the newer girls on the team, you really hated her some times. He sat and he listened, something that you absolutely loved because you knew that he was actually listening. You looked at him for a moment, your face flushing. "Im sorry, I'm talking to much..you could've just told me to shut up."

Billy looks at you, a small smile on his face. God, he really did like you more than he had planned to. "Nah baby, I love it when you tell me about your day." He says, his voice soft. Billy wasn't usually this quiet of a person, he always has something to say so you knew that something must have been bothering him. The bruise forming on his jawline told you that he must have gotten into it with his dad before he came to get you, it was small, and if you didn't know his face so we'll, you wouldn't have noticed it. "What?"

You shake your head, knowing that he didnt care to talk about his home life, and you didn't like to pry, but you wished you knew how to help in some other way beside getting your dad involved.

"You ready?" He asks, grabbing his leather coat off the chair next to him before grabbing your hand. He has been craving your embrace all day, and he had been looking forward to your call all night.

You nod, following him to the car.

You loved your nights with Billy, infact, some days you even craved them, though you often worried that he used your time together as a way to get his frustrations out about what went on at home, his anger at his dad being vented out during your sexual encounters.

You didnt stop him, you didn't mind the pain, hell it actually made your orgasm all the more better and tonight was no different, though he was alot rougher than he had ever been before.

Once you had gotten to lovers lake he had wasted no time in pushing you to the back seat, giving your ass a smack as you climbed between the front seats, your ass on full display for him.

He was on you in seconds, his mouth kissing yours roughly, his hands gripping you tightly. You pushed his clothes out os the way as easily as you could, your legs spread around him as you pushed his jeans down past his hips, his beautifully thick cock springing free from it's confounds.

You hum appreciatively at the sight, looking up at him as you wrap your hand around it, giving it a nice long stroke. He grinds his hips up into your hand, enjoying the feeling of you touching him. He groaned, his kiss moving from your lips to your jaw line, and down your neck, slowly rising your shirt above your bra as he lets his hands cup one of your breasts, kneading it gently with his fingers. You buck your hips up, rubbing against him at the contact.

You could tell that he was trying to be gentle, sweet even, and you loved the gesture but you knew what he needed, you let go of his cock, taking his face in your hands. He looks at you quizzically, worried almost. You brush your thumb over the still forming bruise, that's harder to see in the dark of his car, and you meet his eyes.

"Fuck me, Billy..whatever you need to do, however you want me..please, baby.." He closes his eyes, a long breath coming from his nostrils.

He opens them again, his hand going up to your hair, running his hand over the top of your head. He knew exactly what you meant, and honestly, without even knowing it, in that moment he had completely fallen head over heels in love with you, because how could he not when you're the only person that had ever seen through him like that? "Are you sure baby? What if I hurt you?" He asks, he was worried that he wouldn't be able to stop, that maybe you wouldnt want him anymore afterwards.

You shake your head, giving him a small smile. "You won't, Billy.." You says, giving his face a light squeeze between your hands. He nods once, his lips lingering over yours in a gentle kiss almost as if to say thank you.

You definitely didn't regret your choice in the moment, and god you were on your way to your third orgasm, his hips snapping into your pelvic bone almost meanly at this point, your leg cocked over his shoulder, damn near unable to breathe with the way he was applying pressure to your neck with both hands, you just knew his fingers were sure to leave lingering marks and fuck if the idea didn't turn you on farther.

You knew he was getting closer to his orgasm because the meaner he got, the harder he choked, the deeper he fucked you and the louder you got, was usually his tell that he was about to fucking explode.

"Good fucking girl, y/n, good fucking girl letting me fuck you so meanly." He grunts out, his hands still gripping your throat, fuck if he wasn't turned on farther by the fucking dumb little blissful smile you wore on your perfectly plump lips in that moment, or by how red and flushed your face was as you stared up at him. He wondered if he had finally fucked your brain to mush. "Such a pretty little whore taking my cock like it's nothi-" The sound of something knocking on the passenger side window interrupted the two of you and Billy stopped immediately.

"It's almost midnight, Hargrove, cut it out and take the poor girl home." You hear your father's voice call from outside, your eyes going wide. Billy is smart enough to cover you with his body, incase the chief happens to look inside. You give a squeak of fear, wondering if the two of you had been officially caught. You bury your face in his chest, squeezing his biceps in the hopes that your father wouldn't recognize your hair if he happened to look inside. He knocks on the window again, and it sounds like he's using his flashlight, you can see the beam cutting through the rear window. "Zip it up Billy, I'm not playing."

"Yes chief, I understand.." He calls back, trying hard to make sure you stay covered. "Do you mind like, going back to your car though, no need to watch us get dressed, Sir.". Your dad lingers for a second, but you hear his footsteps start to walk away, crunching on the gravel that littered the ground.

"Holy fuck that was close, Billy." You breathe, your legs shaking in fear, or maybe adrenaline. You really weren't sure which. Billy moves off of you, pulling out of you. You can't help the whine that escapes your throat at the feeling, already craving him all over again.

"Oh trust me baby, we aren't finished with this yet.." He says, giving you a cocky smirk as he buttons his shirr before stuffing his cock back into his pants.

You struggle with your shirt, still weak from the fear and from your two orgasms that has honestly rocked your fucking world. He looks at you, almost cheesily smiling at you. He loved it when he made you weak like that, he loved being able to shower you with aftercare, something he'd never wanted to do with someone before. "Here baby.." He says, pulling you closer to him. He helps you with your bra, and your shirt before helping you pull your skirt back down your body. When he's done he gives you a sweet, gentle kiss before helping push you back to the front seat.

"Thank you, Billy.." You say, settling into your seat. You watch him climb back over, settling into the front seat. You shiver a little, it had gotten cold by the lake and without the warmth of his body you were quickly chilled. Without a word he reaches behind you and grabs his jacket from the back, wrapping it over your shoulders.

He drives almost wordlessly, only talking to ask if you're okay, and thankfully you make it home quickly. He pulls info the driveway, and stops. You turn to him. "Im sorry our night was ruined.." you says, feeling horrible. You should have thought more before you told him to go to the lake, you had forgotten that your father was out patrolling tonight.

Billy shrugs, looking at you. "I had a great time, baby.." He says, leaning back in his seat. He watched you, taking in your beauty for a moment, a smile on his face. "maybe that's not the way I wanted it to end, but it wasn't ruined."

You smile, look away awkwardly. "You know, we wouldn't have to sneak around like this if you would just let me tell him about us.."

Billy sighs, he knew that you hated that your entire relationship was a secret, but god he was terrified that your dad wouldn't let him see you again, or that your friends would find out and convince you that he wasn't good enough for you. "I told you baby, I'm not parent friendly.." He says, he sees your face fall, if only for a second before you gather yourself up again.

You give him a smile, leaning over to kiss him gently. "I'll see you tomorrow, baby." You say, although really want to scream how much you love him as you get out of the car.

Eleven is waiting for you inside, her eyes go wide at the sight of the large leather jacket around your shoulders. "Dad's going to ask questions when he sees that." She says, causing you to furrow your eyebrows in fear. You take the coat off immediately, completely forgetting that it was on your shoulders. "And that! Are those his finger prints?"

The next morning went by as smoothly as it could have, you covered what you could of Billy's fingerprints on your neck, although most of the time was spent staring at them almost longingly. He'd left marks before but he'd never left bruises, you hadnt even realized he had been choking you that hard last night.

What couldn't cover in concealer and bronzer, you covered with a turtlenecked long sleeve shirt, it was chilly enough out that morning that you could get by with it without being asked too many questions. You threw on a pair of jeans and your favorite pair of shoes, making sure to stuff his coat into your bag before heading out of your room just in time for a car to honk out front.

You give your dad a brief kiss as El scrambles to get her things, he was leaning against the kitchen counter sipping his morning coffee. "See you for dinner dad, let's go El!"

Jonathan waited for you in the driveway, and smiles when he sees you. "It's a little extreme for turtlenecks, don't you think, Y/N?" He asks as you slip into the front seat, El getting into the back with Will.

Ever since your dad has started seeing Joyce, you and Jonathan had become close, you'd consider him a close friend, and you kind of wished you could ask him for advice about your relationship but you knew he wouldn't keep the secret, he would take it straight to your dad.

"Shut up, it's totally cold enough!" You say, looking at him weirdly as he pulls out of the driveway and heads towards the schools.

It doesn't take long before you're there, and once he's parked you get out of the car immediately, on your way to search for Billy, ignoring Jonathan shouting something after you.

The halls are filled with Hawkins High students, most of which know you. You give them all your best peppy smile, even throwing in a wave to a few of them, you loved being a cheerleader but sometimes it was exhausting having to smile so much, especially when half of the student population never expected to see you in anything but a happy mood.

You find Billy at his locker, which wasn't too far from Jonathan's. "You forgot this, Hargrove." You say, pulling his coat out of your bag, hoping that nobody would take it the wrong way since he still didn't want people knowing about you guys yet.

Billy turns, surprised to hear your voice, he looked you up and down, amused look coming across his face. You tried not to stare at the bruise under his jaw, it was darker than it had been last night. "It's still a bit warm out for a turtleneck, isn't it baby?" He asks quietly, leaning on the locker door slightly. He smirks as your face turns red, you hold his coat out for him. He pushes your arm back to your chest, you furrow your eyebrows at him.

"Keep it, i like the way you look in it." He says, a soft smile on his face as your face turns redder. You notice someone stop just for a moment as they pass. He had thought about it all night, trying not to notice the look of hurt cross your face when he had reminded you that he didn't want people to know about you guys being together. He was afraid of what would happen if people knew, but he was even more afraid of losing you by making you feel like he was ashamed of people finding out, and he could tell by the look on your face that that was beginning to happen. Besides, he was tired of fucking you in his car, he wanted to take you out on actual dates, and go to all of your football games to watch you cheer, he wanted to sneak into your room late at night like a normal person, and even though it terrified him, he wanted to meet your father like a man, not someone that's been fucking his daughter in the back of his car almost every night. "Besides, it'll keep that Byers boy off your back, I hear he likes to steal people's girls away." He sent a look to Jonathan, who was open mouthed staring at the two of you from his locker, Nancy by his side.

You roll your eyes at him, holding his coat to your chest, breathing in his cologne slightly. You loved the way he smelled, and you'd be lying if you said that you didn't sleep with it in your bed last night. "Jonathan is a good friend, he's like my brother now that my dad is dating his mom." You say, but you understood what he was saying without actually saying the words. You honestly couldn't have been more excited, you were practically vibrating in your shoes. "Are you sure?" You whisper, cocking your head at him quizzically. You didn't want him to feel like you were pushing him.

Billy rolls his eyes at you, he hated that you were so selfless sometimes, willing to living so unhappily just so he could be comfortable, but it was also one of the things he loved most about you. "Come here, I miss you." He says, hooking his finger into the collar is the turtleneck to pull you closer. He pulls you in for a sweet, gentle kiss, knowing that almost everyone in the hallways had turned to stare at the two of you. He pulls away, finger still in your turtleneck but pulled down a little. He sees the bruises and his eyes go wide, face paling. "Oh shit, baby, I'm so sorry I didn't mean to hurt you.." He whispers, pulling the shirt back up so no one would see. "Why didn't you tell me to stop if I was doing it that hard?" He asks, closing his locker to walk you to yours.

You blush some more, smiling up at him. "Because it didn't hurt that bad, I liked it." You say, deciding to put his jacket on as you walked, making him hold your bag so you could. You actually were cold though, despite everyone's teasing. "I'll have to skip cheer though, I have to wear my hair up..or just put my uniform over my shirt, we do that in the winter anyway..I just didn't think to pack my uniform turtleneck."

The day at school was awkward, and after waiting at Billy's car for Jonathan and the kids to get out, you gave him a deep, longing kiss good bye, damn near spitting out an i love you when Jonathan started honking his horn at you. "I'll call you later!"

You run to his car, climbing into the passenger seat, smiling at Will and El in the back. "Family dinner right? Im starving." You say, situating yourself. You notice Jonathan hasn't started driving the car and you turn to look at him only to find him already looking at you. "What?"

"Billy Hargrove?" He asks, a little unbelieving. "Billy Freaking Hargrove is who you've been sneaking out at night to see?" Okay so you had told him that you'd been seeing someone, just not who you'd been seeing. "Your dad is going to flip his lid, i think he might actually shit bricks when he finds out, y/n."

"I'll handle my dad, Jonathan." You say, looking at him pointedly. "I wasn't planning on telling him tonight, I need to butter him up first." You purse your lips, thinking. You figured you'd have to play a card that you hadn't played in a long time, daddy's little princess. "So, that being said, leave Billy alone he's a sweetheart on the inside, he's just a little rough on the edges."

You ignore Jonathan's scoff and stay silent the rest of the ride, happily getting out once you reach the Byers' house. You could already smell the food cooking and your mouth watered, your stomach growling in response. "God i love it when Joyce cooks." You say, walking into the house.

You make your way to the kitchen, setting your bag down by the kitchen table. "Hey," You say giving the woman a side hug from where she stands at the stove. "Ooh is that my favorite?" You ask, she leans s against you, happy smile on your face.

"It certainly is, how was your day?" She asks, and you grin. You planned on telling her about everything later, she had definitely become like a mom to you and you wouldn't mind the advice you knew she could give. "Oh? What's that grin for?"

"I'll tell you later." You say, going towards the living room, giving her a wink. She just chuckles and turns back to the stove.

You play with El and Will for a couple of hours, different board games coming and going, Will joined in on a few as well, the two of you often made it too intense with your sibling rivalry. You were just about to beat him in candy land when your father walked in.

You jump up immediately and head to him. "Hey dad, how was your day?" You ask, giving him a quick kiss on the cheek. You didn't notice the look that Jonathan, Will and Eleven all shared with each other or the one that your father gave you.

"Uneventful, thank god." He says, patting the top of your head with one of his beefy hands. "Smells good in here, Joyce!"

It wasn't long before you all sat down for dinner together, you and Jonathan had even helped set the table, you sat across from him, next to Will as everyone started digging in.

The table was quiet for a while, until Joyce decided to make conversation. "So, how was everyone's day?" She asks, looking around the table before landing on you. "Y/N, you seemed like you had a good day.."

You notice Jonathan's shit eating smirk and you glare at him, trying to silently tell him to keep his mouth shut. He stares directly at you as he speaks. "Oh she definitely did, you seemed awful cozy with that Billy Hargrove in the hallways this morning, you were giving him back his coat rig-ow!" You kick him harshly under the table, your strong legs making rough contact with his shins.

"Oh?" Joyce asks, eyebrows furrowed. You notice your dad turn to look at you as well. "He gave you his coat? That's sweet."

You shake your head, your cheeks flushing. "It was nothing really, we did a project together the other day after school and I got cold so he gave it to me, I was just giving it back is all." You say, going back to your food. Jonathan makes a noise and you kick him under the table again, making the silverware shake.

"You sure it was nothing?" Your father asks, looking over you with those quizical eyes that always seem to know everything is a lie. You just nod at him, a mouth of food.

Your father doesn't say anything else, and neither does Jonathan. You decide to help Joyce after dinner, and start helping her wash the dishes. It's warm in the room, and subconsciously you pull at the neck of your shirt trying to give yourself some air, not realizing that Billy's fingerprints were on full display like that.

Joyce is mid sentence, talking about something that you weren't particularly playing attention to, and she stops abruptly, looking at your neck. You quickly snap the turtle neck back into place and excuse yourself to go use the bathroom.

You run down the hall, wondering how much of it she had seen. How the fuck were you supposed to explain that?

"Shit!" You hiss, turning in the bathroom sink so no one would hear you. You calm your nerves, and after a few moments you decide to go back out and act like nothing had happened. As soon as you step out of the bathroom you're dragged across the hall to her room and tossed in, the door closing behind you. "What the hell, Joyce?"

She flips the light on, looking at your worriedly. "Y/N, why are there fingerprints on your neck?" She asks, walking towards you. You sit on the bed, you knew you were screwed. You feel her fingers play with the collar is the shirt for a moment, almost as if she was scared to see it before pulling it down all the way rolling it so it would stay put. "Jesus Christ, these are from both hands..who did this to you? Was it that Billy that Jonathan was talking about? Jim! Jim come to the bedroom!" She yells, you try to stop her, but he's already in the room before it's too late, thinking something had happened.

"What?" He asks, looking around for danger. His eyes land on you and they go wide. "What the fuck, y/n,?! Who the hell hurt you like that? Im going to kill that fucking Hargrove boy-" He says already making his mind up about the situation.

He turns to leave and panicked you tell him to stop. "Daddy, stop!" You say, standing up from the bed. "Nobody hurt me, especially not Billy, he wouldn't ever do that okay?" You say, tears welling in your eyes at the thought of your father going to beat the shit out of him, you knew Billy wouldn't stand a chance.

Jim and Joyce share a look. "What do you mean?" He asks, taking his hand off of the doorknob. He was trying very hard not to be confused by your words.

You look at him, at both of them, your mouth opening and closing as you try to find the right words to say without embarrassing everyone in the moment. "I, um..gee how do i say this.." You say to yourself, looking down at the floor before taking a deep breath and giving both adults a sheepish sort of look. "I..well, to be quite frank, i liked it, okay?"

Both of them were completely confused for a moment, and it seemed to click with Joyce quickly. "Oh..oh.. alrighty then that's..more than I needed to know." She says, fidgeting awkwardly with her close as she tried not to look you in the eye, she didn't actually think that that would ever come out of your mouth.

Your father was taking a little longer, but you could see the wheels turning in his brain as his eyes start to widen. Suddenly he's pointing at you, one hand covering his mouth in shock, fear? maybe disgust? You couldn't quite tell. "Oh my god that was you last night.." He says, the realization finally coming full circle. "What the fuck were you doing out of the house?" He asks before his eyes wide farther. "What the fuck were you doing in the back of Billy Hargrove's car?! Oh Jesus don't actually answer it!" He says when he sees your mouth open. He slides a hand over his face, looking at Joyce almost panickedly, you can see his chest rising and falling almost rapidly, you wondered if he was hyperventilating. "I..I need to sit." He mutters, sinking onto the bed. Joyce takes the spot next to him, and you decide that now is probably a good time to go.

You sneak out of the room quietly and back down the hallway. Everyone is gathered in the living room and then to stare at you. "I think I broke our parents.." You say, not noticing Jonathan's wide eyes, you had forgotten to roll your shirt back up. "It's not what you think!"

[sun-stricken]

Gray, Lyon and Ultear family ideas? I like to imagine Gray tells them about one of fairy tail’s exploits and they get concerned about his well-being. Mandatory family trips thatGray definitely doesn’t try to avoid (Lyon and Ultear have learnt to alert the guild when they’re coming so Gray can’t escape).

And if you don’t mind, Gray and Loke being BFFs?

Thanks! This blog makes me happy

im so happy you enjoy my blog!! i enjoy it too ;D

i’ve actually made a post similar to this before, but heres more

ty for the ask and sorry this took a while, ive been busy

Once a month (at least) family trip are a must, It started with Ultear dragging Lyon places during the 7 year gap but it started being a more regular thing when Gray turned back up

the first couple time they tried to do things together, it was a disaster

they werent familiar with each other and were hella awkward

Also, when Lyon & Ultear would mention to Gray they were coming into town, he would try to convince the team to go on an impromptu job

they’ve since learned to warn Erza of their arrival so he cant leave

‘abt to come into town, do not let that mf leave’

‘Guarding the doors & windows rn’

Grays probably walked into the guild to see one or both of them and turned right back around

The first time the showed up when Gray wasnt around they got a shovel-esque talk

it was terrifying and also confusing considering they think of themselves as his siblings so shouldnt they be giving those talks?

Ultear really embraces her oldest sibling role and pays for practically everything they do together

While Gray will try to avoid in person outings, he will blow up their phones (lacrima devices, whatever) at all hours of the night

Lyon probably has a 16 step skin care routine that he tries to nag the other two into trying it

its a fools quest tbh

They argue. so much. cannot do anything together without a disagreement. they probably have fist fought each other too

They are fiercely protective of one another, they can be pretty subtle about it but its clear as day to anyone who even slightly crosses them

They as a whole have a gambling/betting problem

They have run their pockets dry with it

They have been kicked out of multiple restaurants for being too loud

Gray tells them off-handedly abt the jobs and events he went through while growing up in Fairy Tail and they just sit back and listen in horrified fascination

they have absolutely no planned photos of them, they just never got around to it (*coughcough* grayrefusedtobeinone *coughcough*)

however! they have soooo many candid ones, Gray glared and complained when he found out (but he has half of them framed or saved on his phone)

Ultear and Lyon got pretty close duriny the 7 year gap and while Gray swears hes not jealous of it he totally is

Ultear, Lyon, & Gray; Guilt Complex Extraordinaires

Loke & Gray things :D

Nobody knows if Loke had a house, he always crashed on Grays couch

They are the reason for the sassy man apocalypse

When Lucy lets him have a day off his first stop tends to be Gray

Loke taught Gray how to cook

If Gray gets mad at him, Loke will attempt to deescalate it by flirting

Grayll be scolding him and Loke will stare at him and say smth like “are we about to kiss right now🥰”

it only serves to make Gray more angry

Orange cat friend + Black cat friend

Theyre the type to know in detail each others existential crisis’s but not each others favorite color

they do not have blackmail on each other. none. because they know if they ever did and actually released it the other would post absolutely every single humiliating thing they’ve done ever

There is no such thing as a judgement free zone with them

Their tastes are so different that when they have to get gifts for each other that if they look at smth and think “wow this is so ugly” they know its the right one

they probably hooked up at some point but thats neither here nor there

Loke, Gray and Cana were kinda like the mean girls of young fairy tail

They had a dont ask dont tell policy on their pasts, however every other personal detail abt each other was free reign

A lot of their conversations have left them with a sense of dread, confusion and hysteria

Lokes the type to walk into ppls houses like its his own, his most common victim is Gray

Loke, pulling the shower curtain back: Were out of ch— stop screaming

Gray, still screaming: HOW DID YOU GET IN MY HOUSE???

Loke, nonplussed: You left the kitchen window unlocked, also we’re out of chips

SORRY ITS SHORT!!

[oogalaboogalabich]

Having too much fun with this bloodweave outline.

Part 2: Orb Boy and The Angry talk about their masters and hunt.

(For context: Gale gets spawned by Lord Artor Morlin )

Gale tells the camp what up with him and his orb. But later in private he approaches Astarion and invites him to hunt.

Astarion gets on the defensive. But gale doesnt quite understand.

"Oh sorry. I didnt even consider that youd found time to feed on your own. My mistake.

"Wait. What? How do y- I dont know what you're talking about."'

"You-...can you not tell?"

"Tell what?"

"I suppose the most obvious tells are a bit overshadowed, arent they?" He gestures to the tattoo that covers his neck. A mix of runes and decorative beasts. His left eye simmered with a sickly dark violet and seemed to bleed magic down his cheek towards the brand on his chest.

"What in the hells are you on ab-oh...." he notices the scarring, and pays attention to the less impressive but just as unusual red eye. And finally he realizes he hears no heartbeat from the man. Nor does he breathe. "OH! well thats actually rather amusing isnt it. What are the odds?"

"You dont know the half of it. My master was about to bloody set me free when i was picked up. Rotten luck to be sure."

"Funnily enough I was freeing myself from mine when Iwas lifted. " gale could hear the deep seeded bitterness behind his light tone, and the seething jealousy and disgust. Oh he HATED him. Utterly despised him for having a master whod just go and free their spawn. He could feel that through the tadpole. Artor had often said that as cruel as he was, he was infamous and frankly looked down on for his leniency with his spawn.

"Is that why youve an old blanket with you."

"Its not a 'blanket' its my bur-...its a keepsake from my old life. You will do well to keep your hands off of it."

"So...hunting? I thought i spotted a few paladins heading north not an hour ago."

"Paladins? You...youre going after" thinking creatures. "People."

"Yes. Astarion. Im hungry." He spoke as if it was obvious, (because it was) but he could feel their irritation spike again. The fuck had he said to earn that? "Are you coming or not? I could certainly use the help. I doubt id be able to go after them alone. im sure i could pick off one of the tieflings ...but id honestly rather not. Id feel bloody awful."

"...alright....lead on then."

"Fannntastic. Glad to have you along, my friend."

--

"So...your master...who is he?"

"The bloody baron of waterdeep, artor morlin. Damned fascinating chap, if a bit lacking in basic empathy. Good man in general though, i would think. Not like that Kozakuran twat in baldurs gate."

"Where do you hail from?"

"...." astarion scowled.

"Ah...apologies for insulting your mast-

"Dont call him that. He isnt my master....not anymore. Never again."

"For bringing him up then. Ive heard things....and im sure none of it does him justice."

"Hes a godsdamned mon-."

"Shhshhshh hang on..." gale frowns and holds a hand up, indicating to be silent.

They both crouchedbin the bushes while a curly haired merc and one other male chat while they head back to their camp with game in tow.

Gale noted how nervous astarion is, and wonders just how long it had been since cazador allowed him a proper meal.

"Ill take the larger one down first, you can have him."

"I can hunt my own food!"

"Are you sure? Youre shaking."

"Soon to be remedied, darling."

Nonetheless, gale went after the smaller of the two for himself, not realizing that astarion had frozen in place.

He pulled up from his meal while the bigger one fled like a fucking coward.

"Gah- Astarion! Youre going to lose him." He all but barked, blood flying like spittle from his teeth.

Astarion nearly fumbled, hesitating long enough to get stabbed in the side before his victim passed out.

Gods but he barely felt it though. Groaning as the nectar of gods slid down his throat.

He was nearly finished when gale aproached, pocketing what looked like a tiny body.

"Need any help cleaning up?"

"Hm? "

"I could shrink it down for you. Easier than mauling or burying the body. A spawn as young as you, im guessing youre still squeamish about supping on other people, yes?"

"The hells are you on about? Im well past my second century."

"Well yes, i understand how elves work. Im talking about your time as a sp-"

"Yes i bloody well know what youre talking about. And im saying its been a fucking eternity!!"

"...you...then why are you so..."

He looks over astarions general state of having been stabbed, and wasting so much of the mans blood to the bedrock they stood on under the crumbling bridge. Messy, sloppy, uncoordinated.

"Unpracticed..."

"Well forgive me if my table manners are a bit lacking!" He sneers. "Im rather used to rats and insects. No thinking creatures. Cazador always said....i always wondered if hed made up those rules. Now i know why he did...."

Gale was tempted to dig deeper, but perhaps now was a good time to just let astarion enjoy himself.

"This is your first taste of blood." Real blood at least, he thought.

"Proper blood at least" gale tried not to smile at that.

[doctor-says-im-alright]

Ive been wondering lately if I really do have bipolar with psychotic features or if I have schizoaffective. Idk why the idea of bipolar though is so offensive to me lol. I think its because I never really feel grandiose and thats just an unfair part of the bargain.

The main difference I found is psychosis symptoms outside of mood episodes. Ive been trying to figure that out, but as my moods are really long, Im not sure. I was thinking maybe that is true because this year I seem to launch into paranoia in a single afternoon instead of over months. But thats associated with a stressed mood, not anything neutral? Idk. My paranoia is generally after Ive become fully stressed, but honestly, it is possible I have delusions constantly. How do you even know? I know I have OCD but I am so fixated on death that it might be more delusional than just OCD - like I do have rituals but its mainly just stressful thoughts that Im being haunted and the proof was a dead bug.

But the past week I noticed I shifted into a different phase. Im suddenly energetic or agitated. Like laughing hysterically, talking a lot, becoming really upset or angry, sad, overwhelmed, and constantly unreasonably scared. Everything is a threat. I seem to be really focused on fires happening for some reason. I am sleeping way more than normal, actually my sleep is suddenly really stressful. I dont go to sleep unless I take meds but thats normal for me, but now I cant get up. Ill wake up and its like Im magnetised to the bed and am stuck for awhile until I actually wake up. I sleep 12-14 hours but when I look at my Fitbit data its somehow only 5-6 hours in that time Im asleep. I know it, too. Its like Im not asleep and am in my room but dreaming in it. I didnt even realize I was so upset about this until I saw a post by someone talking about training their service dog to wake them up properly and asking how to do it and I could cry with the relief if I could figure out something mine could do to help me with it.

I generally always get told Im too self aware to have any psychosis issues and I think Im good at sounding self aware but Im actually not at all. I have no idea what Im thinking or feeling, Im guessing based on any knee jerk things that may have come out. Like last year I was in the psych ward for paranoia, but I hadnt even noticed or was able to communicate, but can see it now, that I was actually in danger of attacking people because I believed they were going to kill me first, and that had been my motivation to go in. And it wasnt even the person I said I was paranoid of.

I cant even figure out if my hand hurts or not. I have no idea what Im thinking or feeling. I know Im jumpy and on level 100 of agitation. I just suddenly start crying, Im overwhelmed with proofs of life and death. If someone tells me a joke I literally cry laughing. My words are mixing up and I feel like I cant say anything. I read things Ive written and even Im like what?? What does that even say. I know I am having PTSD symptoms - thats a given with me. I know for months Ive been hyperfocused on it, its been a source of anger outbursts.

Like for some reason the thought of romance or sex or any relationship sends me into a flying rage. My dog licking my other dog disturbs me so deeply I immediately lose it and have to run outside or throw something. People talking about love and needing people makes me feel so revolted. Ive been half dating someone and they mentioned kissing and Im ready to set myself and everyone else on fire. I cant stand the thought of desire and needing someone and craving them it is disturbing and I want to be sick thinking about it. But Im not normally like this at all. Not at all.

I am asexual and aromantic and my friend keeps making sex jokes and referencing my being asexual and I swear to god Im going to throw up on him or hit him with a wooden spoon. Havent decided yet.

[compassionatereminders]

I cut off a whole group of friends this year who turned out to be talking shit behind my back. We spent hours upon hours together. I was close with someone in particular. Really close. But I had to cut them off because they became too controlling. They kept attacking me for who i hung out with, what i did, everything. If i didnt do what they wanted, i was "angry and emotional", that no one really liked me, no one respected me at all. They were just toxic to me and everyone around them. And i kick myself every day for not seeing who they were. But i was just incredibly lonely and was desperate for any sort of connection. I kept looking the other way. I should have known better.

It turns out they had been working hard for the past half a year, going to all my other friends, telling them horrible things about me. Telling them to stop talking to me. People stopped talking to me entirely and i didnt figure out why until it was too late. 😶‍🌫️ And it's been rough. But i've dropped all of them.

It's been lonely as hell. But I put myself out there again and I'm building connections again. And I've gone back and reconnected with old friends I hadn't talked to in years because work and life kept us apart.

Some people from that group have reached out to me. I haven't made up with them. Because it's never about what I felt about anything.. They just want to make themselves feel better after isolating me for so long.

😶‍🌫️ I just wanted to share this with someone. Im doing better these days. Im getting my weight back up, im going out to places, and ive regained my passion for art again.

I hope anyone else whos in the position i used to be in can also find a way out one day. Life is too short to be eaten away by people who never loved you in the first place.

It is incredibly hard to get back up and put yourself back out there after a relationship that toxic and yet it sounds like you're doing an amazing job at doing exactly that. Be proud of yourself and your resilience. What you're doing isn't easy and yet you're doing it.

[psykoz]

ok so some things that have happened at my job

- coworker said the r slur in front of me, a few others, and one of the front end managers. manager says nothing to stop it and in fact jusf laughs and agree w the overall statement (halloween costumes looked [r-slur]ed). this is significantly worse as not only am i (not openly at work for fear but pretty obviously) autistic, but the field we are working in is specifically with seniors with a specific type of mental and intellectual disability

- person who hired and trained me and is an assistant, also higher position not a manager technically but on the management team, learns i dont celebrate xmas thru an email i willingly send, totally fine. but days later, unprompted and unrelated, she str8 up asks why i dont celebrate and i feel the need to reveal some inkling of religious beliefs which i really do not want to do

- literally wont tell me half of the things i need to do/not do until after i fucked up anr get reprimanded. they never told me what the callout policy was, until after i recieved a write up for breaking it. they didnt tell me a security feature for someone had been updated, until i almost messed up SECURITY and a coworker had to tell me it had been changed. theres more but pointing out every time would get tedious and repetitive

- already blamed me once for having "too many missed calls" despite every one of those missed calls having been before my start time or after i am meant to clock out, some even having come past midnight or before 6am when im still hours away from even needing to be getting ready to clock in, outright admitting that it was more likely because their phone system isnt patching back to the after hour line, or after hours people are just not picking up the phone. and still called me in for a full 8 hour "training" shift where i spent well over 75% of the day sitting, not working OR training and thinking abt how much shit i needed to get done in my personal life and how wasteful this was, because of something out of MY control when im not even fucking clocked in.

- my bosses have all been on at least one vacation in the 3 months ive been here. despite being called, verbatim, "the last line of defense" and being in charge of peoples lives, having to potentially de escalate an angry senior if i tell them they arent allowed outside, and having to be around people that are dying at least one person every week or 2, i get no benefits and no chance to even accrue vacation or sick time. i would have never accepted a job with not benefits or sick or leave if they had explained to me the full scope of the stressors i have dealt with. i know for a fact my ptsd has gotten more severe after this job and i went thru a traumatic experience that i wont talk abt bc it was out of the hands of my job tbf, they couldnt have stopped it from happening, but i have still been exposed to multiple deaths and one event ive been unable to stop thinking about and fearing. they have never suggested grief counseling is available to any employee

- sometimes they put up fliers for mandatory meetings/trainings without sending any text/email about it. this sucks for so many reasons. i just may not see them, i have multiple disorders that give me memory issues so having a reminder on my phone would be helpful, qnd the worst of all: they have put up fliers on a day i wasnt working for a mandatory meeting, on a day i wasnt working, and i did not have another shift until 2 days AFTER the meeting that i didnt even know happened bc they didnt bother to let me know despite me being physically unable to see fliers if im NOT THERE.

[qualityrain]

ive heard of honkai impact but i never really got a look at the actual game itself whats your favorite guy like??? how do they work with the plot?? love you bye<3

there is sO much to say and absolutely nothing at the same time

this isnt going to be coherent at all

whats your favorite guy like???

this is going to be very inaccurate because at this point i cant tell what is canon or not + rlly disorganised

tbh. like a generic emo guy. a family guy. ride or die. his love language is dying for you. actually really chill??? and like kind of straightforward (at least to one of the main characters in the game. whether it is for plot or an actual character trait nobody knows) shows no emotion whatsoever(never explained). will kind of crack jokes. highly efficient, won’t do more things than necessary(this is definitely canon). hasnt slept well in like 10 years (vibe). takes promises really seriously. the i owe you and i WILL pay you back guy. he’s an older brother. has STRONG annoying little brother energy with another character that is literally my favourite dynamic in this entire game with 5mins of screentime together. a piece of shit. will talk stupid shit to lighten up the situation. he will do anything for his goals(probably). this guy definitely has trauma and mhy wont ever address it and he’s repressing it like crazy. like has this dude ever processed the whole i almost fucking died and everybody i love is dead thing properly yet. i could tell you his height but not his birthday. its 173cm. i refuse to believe he’s taller than 170cm. there’s probably more but i don’t know what else to say. this guy’s barely a character in the game, there’s absolutely no depth at all. all i have are vibes and my brain ran with it and now this guy has been in my head for 2 years now.

how do they work with the plot??

short answer: they don’t.

long answer: his role in the plot is to parallel another main character(mei) and it is done so so so soooooooo poorly. he appears in one (1) arc in the game and appears in 2 chapters and its imo the worst arc in the entire game and its almost irrelevant and every new chapter that gets added makes me wish more and more that this arc doesn’t exist. I genuinely do not know why this parallel needed to exist like. why? why do we need this parallel to see the main characters with an outside perspective?? there’s probably a reason its just this arc is terrible. they couldnt even get meis arc right in this arc like its sO BAD.

mei has this whole ass scene where she just accepts having to kill this guy!! my fave!! the blorbo!! shes like oh i cant hesitate anymore i have to do this for my girlfriend(basically)!!! AND THEN SHE HESITATES AGAIN AND DOESNT KILL HIM AND IM SO SO UPSET AND ANGRY BECAUSE WHATS THE POINT. she has this whole moral dilemma of ohh noo if i kill this guy its like im a hypocrite or smth cos im doing the same as this guy but i gotta to protect somebody i care about!! for this arc and then SHE DOESNT KILL HIM. he dies another way!!! resolving to kill somebody is not the same as actually doing it!! im so upset abt this because its so. whats the point of the whole scene where mei literally collects herself to strengthen her resolve to not hesitate and kill this guy and shes like oop i guess i wont!

im going to be real i try to forget as much as i can from this arc because i hate it and its probably all wrong and inaccurate but i still hate it to bits and i wish mhy wasnt scared to make mei commit murder

this isnt proof read at all this is a word vomit ive spent over half an hour on this and 3 days thinking abt this. there are definitely things i wanted to add and forgot almost immediately.

thanks for the ask!! 🫶🫶🫶

[lovelyrotter]

seriously kill yourself

alright [pulls up a chair n sits on it backwards like an awkward but concerned well meaning dad] hey sport was it the stridercest or my political stances that pushed you over this edge? maybe my queerness or plurality? cause if its the first one kiddo i gotta say. i gotta say buckaroo there are some real problems in this world but fake queers kissing aint one of em bud. if it was my political stances or my identity maybe sit outside, breath the fresh air n think on that for a while. cause that aint lookin good bud. i thought i raised you better. what will your other dad think. we dont believe in physical discipline in this house but we do believe in thinking. i know you know this buddy. i know its really really hard not to tell people to kill themselves but you gotta try. you gotta be the good you want to see in this world kiddo i know you can do it. i hope you know that id never tell you to kill yourself because im grown up enough to know that saying shit like that is wrong no matter how you cut it. we already had the dont punch other kids talk right bud? its exactly like that. we just cant say that to other people no matter how angry you get. if i did kill myself you could be held legally accountable no matter your age so if nothing else think of yourself here buddy. ive got people who care about me who will want to know why i did that, and theyd want compensation if they knew you were the final straw dude. its a damn good thing we're strangers and whatever you say means nothing to me. im just over here worried about you bud. hey instead of trying to make the world smaller how about we scrounge up some change and buy some esims. it could even be fun. we could gather all our quarters and toonies and do some good for other people. i bet you dont like being talked to like a child but thats unfortunately just how i see anons who send death threats. youre having a tantrum maybe even after a bad day and i get that yknow man sometimes i have meltdowns too. we're all some kinda neurodivergent on this site. life is hard but you gotta be kind and you gotta take care of yourself. theres a good chance youve been refreshing my page every so often to check if ive replied to you or not. i know this is a thing cause i did that too after sending my first and only anon hate when i was just 14. i didnt tell anyone to kill themselves cause even back then i knew it was wrong, and it felt good for maybe half an hour after i sent it, but then it started to feel bad yknow? it started to feel really bad. but we can do something about the bad feeling. touch something soft maybe squeeze your pet or a stuffed animal and then come back to me and we can all have dinner and maybe watch your favourite movie

[lokiified]

rant piece

i made the wrong fucking choice i actually cant believe it, i was so focused on proving my parents wrong that i convinced myself it would never work with you and now im regretting so badly. i focused on the attention he was giving me but really he never did anything for me like you did, we went on three damn dates in a day, you flew across the country to come see me, you let me pick any book at coles as an early birthday present, you tried to give me everything but i wanted my parents to be wrong so badly that i ignored it for him and he was new and cute and he seemed to like me and you literally told me you didnt have feelings for me why did you do that i probably wouldve chosen you if i knew you felt the same way.

i found the pin i got at the museum with you. i found the pictures i took of you in the weird red room with all the lizards in it. ive been thinking about the used book store a lot lately. i was talking to a friend who i thought i had feelings for and we started talking about book stores and i was struck with an inconsolable sadness at the memories of being there with you for hours, trying to find the right books.

i found the videos and pictures from the mock prom, how well you got along with my friends and how you looked in your suit, how excited you were for that night

i remember how angry your mother was when i chose him over you and i thought she was crazy at the time but she was right, i made the stupidest decision of my life when i picked him.

you came to a baseball game with my family and you dont even like baseball for fucks sake, an hour ride 3 hour game and hour ride back who would do that if they didnt have fucking feelings for someone.

i had to spend an hour and a half sitting in a hotel hallway trying to calm down his anxiety about my relationship with you while you tried to give me everything and lied to my face that you had a girlfriend just to try and protect my feelings.

why did you have to go and say you didn't have any feelings for me when i told you that day.

and now youre in your 20s and you have a girlfriend and youre probably gonna get married and im gonna regret it for what feels like forever.

i made the wrong choice and i dont know what to do

i cant tell my parents and i cant tell you because youre probably gonna marry her and you talked to me about her like shes the best person in the whole world so yeah im definitely not, you live on the other side of the country so ill probably never see you again so yeah i blew it.

you made a playlist for me of all kinds of songs you liked and 80% of them were love songs and i thought it was nothing when EVERYTHING you were doing and saying pointed to having some kinds of feelings for me but i dumped it all for him because i was scared of my parents saying they told me so.

and i certainly cant tell him because what the hell is he gonna say, im sorry you decided to waste a year on me while your real love was off making a life for himself?

i dont even know if i love you i just know that i missed out on something good just because i was scared

i convinced myself you were too much like david, that you werent even cute, excuses upon excuses when really i was just scared and i felt like he was the safer choice because there would be so much less people disappointed if it went south

for gods sake he wouldnt even dance with me at prom and now all i can think about is dancing with you at that mock prom that i thought was so stupid, i ruined all my mom's planning and probably shattered all your hopes for the night, i wish id worn my prom dress and let it happen because obviously it was supposed to

[pyrait]

Friends after graduation

Kinda want to vent ab my uni friends

About a year ago, I finally agreed to go to my faculty's halloween party with my friends. This party is fucking big, like it's known in my city by every university student, tickets are super hard to get by, it's in a huge club and everybody dresses up.

Historically, ive hated parties. On one hand bc my alcoholic parents didnt give me the best experiences to handle drunk ppl, and on the other hand bc i had a lot of bad memories of when i used to black out when i was younger. But, this time, it was my last semester. I had only gone to this party on my first semester and ive become sober since, so i thought itd be a nice symbolic gesture to go, plus my friends really seemed to want me to.

Anyways, it's the party and im having a painfully normal time. I dont love dancing but i do like to talk to a lot of ppl, and i know a lot of ppl here. So i say hi to everyone i see and at one point i mix my main friend group and another couple of friends i know. I have to go to the bathroom, so i tell both groups and leave for a moment. When i come back, oh surpirse, literally not a soul on the dancefloor, not even a stranger.

Ofc, i start to panic. I don't remember if id ever told my friends, but another reason why i hate clubbing is bc, when i used to blackout, i usually did it with strangers. Strangers who obviously didnt care ab me, and basically left me to die everytime i got too drunk. This was kind of a trigger for me.

My phone was at 3%, and i've been left to die. Again. This time by my closest friends.

So i use my phone frantically to ask through the groupchat where everyone left to. Fortunately, it's inside the club. But, again, this club is huge.

They dont respond until after 15 minutes. They tell me where they are. I run. Theyre not there.

This goes on for literally an hour and a half. I couldnt go back home bc i didnt have my phone to ask for a taxi, and my friends didnt go looking after me even tho i was the only one who wasnt with the group.

By chance i find them and i start angry crying and scolding my friends as to why they left me alone. I told them that they knew how parties made me feel and they still cared more about themselves than me. One of them said "Sorry for leaving you, we just thought youd be perfectly fine on your own".

Now that i've been graduated from uni for ab six months, ive been feeling extra lonely bc im having a harder time socializing.

It's true what they say: once we´re all "adults", suddenly no one has time to hang out. It's not like we all have jobs, the majority including me's all unemployed and looking.

But i still see them posting pictures with eachother. They invite all eachother but me. They all support eachother in their crises but me.

Okay, about hanging out, maybe i havent been the most present friend. Im that type of person who loves you deeply regardless of how much we text or hang. But about treating eachothers crises, im always physically there. I send a little message, or i try to pay a visit.

This is not a victim competition, but some of my friends literally just break down for anything. And we're all still there reassuring them that we'll carry them.

For me, it's not the same. It seems like they feel the same way about leaving me alone at the club as they do for everything regarding me.

Even though I spent two months in bed and tried telling the people around me that i was going through a tough time and needed some support, no one came to ask me how i was doing. Like, why even try to bother when i got it perfectly all on my own.

I cant do it on my own. I need people. What do i have to do to be more lovable? What does their connection have that i cant fulfill?

[piggybonez]

my dad called me tonight to tell me happy birthday and ive gone my whole life feeling like i don’t really have a dad bc when he wasn’t physically absent he was emotionally absent but we literally talked for an hour and a half and i didn’t feel like I had to pretend the whole time. I told him that I have autism, that I’ve been struggling in school my whole life, and he’s still proud of me even though I dropped out. It feels good to be able to have a conversation with my dad for the first time. My heart hurts for him so bad. When he was 21 his brother died at 23 from drugs and I can’t imagine dying this soon. I also can’t imagine losing one of my siblings this soon. My family has been through so much. But I know the more I heal and break generational patterns the more I can have hope for my dad. He may be an alcoholic with problems but he at least has a better grip on reality than my mom ever will and for that I’m thankful. I’m just thankful I got to talk to him tonight, im thankful we actually had a good conversation and I could enjoy his company over the phone. I’m thankful he could listen to me talk and I could also listen to him.he may not get everything i have to say and I may have to have patience when it comes to getting him to understand me but I’m going to try my best. I’m going to try to not only be patient but also to be kind. Even when I get mad or frustrated with him I can’t give up. I don’t have much for family but I do have something, and that something means something and I don’t want to just abandon it or throw it away because it’s not perfect or stable.…and maybe as time goes on we can be closer and I won’t feel like such an orphan. I love my dad. I really genuinely love my dad. He works harder than anyone else I know. He’s had a hard life. He doesn’t have anyone besides his kids. I think it will be healing for both of us to have a relationship with each other. I have to appreciate the present for what it is and try. I have to be hopeful for the future. I don’t want to waste what years I have left being angry and disconnected from someone who loves me, even if I haven’t always felt loved by him. Even if a part of me is angry and resentful for the lack of presence throughout my childhood. I was convinced that my parents knew nothing. Nothing about me, nothing about the world, nothing about themselves. But sometimes my dad does know a thing or two and sometimes he does say things to me that feel like wisdom or advice. Like learning how to let go and move on with the future. I’m hurting a lot for the life my family never got to live. I feel so much guilt for being in the place I am now and for saying the things I’ve said to my parents. I told my mom to k!ll h3rself once. And even though I do think she’d be better off that way sometimes I regret it so much. I feel guilty and bad because she’s had such a hard life and I don’t want her to do that and I do admire her for still being alive through it all but she traumatizes everyone around her so bad she’s just fucking unbearable to even speak to for more than two minutes. Anyway I needed to express that I love my dad and that I’m thankful I have at least one parent in my life that can wish me a happy birthday and remind me that I’m loved. I love you dad and I’m proud of you and I’m thankful for all the ways you’ve provided for me and worked so hard…I am thankful to be alive. I am thankful to be loved. I am thankful for my dad. I don’t want to lose him ever.

[adhesivedildos]

Sifting through bpd forums.

i dont know how intensely a normal person is supposed to feel. growing up id look around and wonder why nobody else seems to feel pain this intensely, all the time. like im constantly turning into a little kid begging to be seen and loved more than anyone could possibly grant me. its humiliating and isolating. i know noone can crawl inside me and make it better. it took me a very long time to realize exactly what they were feeling, because i felt it. this isnt romantic. laying up, feeling the familiar lonely pain that makes you a little kid, wishing anyone could make it stop, and knowing noone can, and if they could, theyre temporary, and being so so sad and angry at that alone.

I stared at the wall for an hour and just, expressed how uninspired and weird and boring everyone is at talking. no-one has shit to say, just nodding and "oh cool yeah". i think we communicate at least half of our souls carried through the ways we speak, and i don't even know. I have truly never felt so enamored by listening to someone rant about abolition and minecraft youtubers that sing like crywank. All the layers of fear and trauma filters are gone. i dont need them or anyone. and without that fear i have an honest perception of what kind of person they are and it fucks me up because i realize i love that person very very much. ive never been so grateful that someone was alive, and with the conditions that created them. I dont care about feelings or love or whatever else, i just honest to god miss being their friend.

noone could provide them that care they have given so genuinely. and noone was gonna lay next to them

[lavenite]

alright i have annotated cecelia and. well i didnt cry honestly i think i was more just angry then sad about um. bad writing? LMAO that sounds stupid but its fine now. well 'fine' i just ripped into it and felt better i think. going into actually editing it will be hell i think but at least its Something you know. and ill feel better as i slowly work on that. ive split it up into 5 sections so ill try to do one per day. and actually work on it until im happy and satisfied and not worried about submitting. though at this point i keep going back and forth on if i Should submit cause like. i like this story. this is my story. its something i Started for a competition but its more mine than anything else.

well i mean i already had the story before i decided to work on it. i just chose that to work on um. anyway thats what i want to do from now on. for competitions i want it to be My stories that i dont just write for the sake of submitting and filling the themes. i mean obv i want to fit the requirements but im gonna stop stressing so much about if it will or wont fit bc thats fine. if it doesnt fit i can always submit to some other place OR it can just be mine. thats okay.

well ive lost the plot on whatever i was originally gonna say but ummm cecelia is noted and omg i keep leaving this unfinished i left for like 3 hours anyway im fine now i had a talk w my dad so i have a plan. gonna edit cecelia over the next 5 days and then draft the three stories i need - at the very least draft nothing abt rewriting yet. AND I FORGOT TO POST THIS AGAIN!!!! ITS BEEN LIKE 5 HOURS MAN.

ANYWAY i was gonna go to bed but now i am up again so i am going to organize something. probably my other stories - or i should probably work on my neocities to get it like half-way presentable lol

[untitled-by]

While chat was with one of the streamers I watch on the regular again and there was a minor disagreement about The Last of Us 2 where in the streamer thought it was just the best sequel ever and some members of chat just didnt care for it. Of course its fine that people have differing opinions about popular game series. What always rubs me the wrong way is that when a few people in chat has an issue with something they enjoyed said streamer generally writes it off with a comment like, "You know chat, I think you're just mad the sequel made you feel something."

And like maybe its true that some people in chat are just mad over a major character death? Which we cant talk about per the streams extreme no spoilers policy.

Quick disclaimer: mind that I dont disagree with this policy, as some people feel media is ruined for them if you so much as tell them if you thought the ending was happy/sad/funny/disappointing and nothing else. If thats the case thats fine. (Im the opposite. Nothing can be ruined for me ever.) I also imagine it must be easier to manage things by picking one side of an all or none policy.

But given that the policy is none making that kind of statement then feels really.... hm. backhanded, maybe, because its very difficult then to defend yourself if your problems with a piece of media-- in this example TLOU 2, but this isnt the first case of this happening --arent based on whatever they think a person might react emotionally to?

I am going to assume that they were making the assumption that chat was angry about SPOILER: Joel's death. And when I say "chat" in this instance I mean like maybe 4 out of 15-25 people moving in and out over a 2 hour span. Chat flows nicely, conversation doesn't linger too long in any one spot, and this whole exchange was less than 3 minutes.

I dont know what the other two didnt like about the game. I know that my partner didnt like the game because they felt that the ending was handled poorly. What I wrote was something along the lines of "Personally Im never upset when a story asks me to feel things. I thought the writers had a great story to tell and everything they need to tell it, but the execution of that story was poorly handled." I would have liked to have continued with something along the lines of, "In my opinion they could probably have avoided the backlash if they had divided the sequel story into two additional games." Because of course its really hard to explain that I feel like half the problem was that the audience was asked to feel for both sides of the story, but had only been allowed to build a deep relationship with one half. That would be too many spoilers for the room.

I mean, there are probably lots of ways to preserve the same story that the devs wanted to tell and reach the same ending that would have been more satisfying. There are also probably a million ways the story could be improved upon, but thats okay too. That is a whole other topic of discussion.

Before I got that far however, I was given a very from, "Oh thats okay we can agree to disagree." Yeah okay, I got the hint and that is fine.

I'm not upset about being asked to change the conversation. After laying all this out Im just really frustrated how it feels like the standard being set is "Im going to see a casual disagreement between myself and my small audience, 2 of whom are mods who are (probably?) friends and 2 of whom are viewers who are not" -> "Now I am going to say something inflammatory and passive aggressive knowing they cant say anything back to me because of rules I set myself" -> "Someone is trying to follow the rules AND engage, because respectful engagement is the environment ive build thus far?" -> "Hard nope out of the subject because that would mean potentially admitting that i actually just said something in bad faith."

When the easiest thing to do would be to instead just... maybe not make this remarks in this manner? Again, this is just the most recent example not the ONLY time this has happened.

I just feel like there are equally as challenging ways to rephrase that comment that isnt insulting, but but a still gets the point across. Because maybe people are just mad that joel died (super valid) and its a tired argument about a game you like that you dont wanna get into again, but you do feel like making a statement about always having to repeatedly rehash that? cool, i absolutely get that, but why ya gotta hurt people who weren't hurting you?

so im just vague blogging about it on tumblr i guess, why not.

Theyre an awesome streamer whom i enjoy watching when the subject of streams isnt horror games, which for october it is sadly.

[lostandemptywithoutyou]

18/6

Went to scotts BBQ as you know yesterday and it was something I needed. It was nice. Everyone asked how things were. I came to terms with it. But after a while and a few drinks we just lay there looking at the sky for like 20 mins. Me, Joe, Scott and Craig. It was just different. It was nice. Ended up at home at 12, went to be, woke up at 4 and couldn't get back to sleep for a while then Lara got my up at 8. Ended up buying a maccies for me, lara, meg and tom. Came to £30, great. But my day was about to change.

 I couldn't stop thinking about you. Cant remember if ive said this already, but I messaged your mom to see how you were getting on, well to see if you was alright. She didn't say much, just thanked me for checking up. So I messaged you. Not about the break, or if you were ready to talk or anything like that. Just to see how you were. We had a nice to and throw and it was nice. Then I asked the question. I asked to see if you wanted to come over and watch some programs. We didn't need to talk, or anything else, just sit and watch our programs and for me anyway just having you as company. I was so scared, I didn't want to ask as I didn't know how you'd feel about it. but... YOU SAID YES . I wish I could tell you that I didn't stop smiling for 2 hours, but id be lying. I wish I could tell you it wasnt the happiest ive been for the entire week, but again id be lying. Then I went into a panic.

 If I had 1 shot, 1 shot to show you I care it would be today. Of course it wasnt just going to be sitting there in silence watching programs. No, we wouldn't be talking about the situation but I had a few things planned. If you could come over early enough it would mean that you wouldnt of ate. So I was going to cook you food. I took Lara to Tesco, we walked down just a little after you said yes. Got some prawns, noodles, garlic, onion, the small onion thing, Nandos hot sauce. That was going to be for dinner. Then I got, Cheese and Onion crisp, Maltesers, toffee popcorn, and some drumsticks as this was going to be snacks before dinner. Then I also go myself some ice cream to pair with the one you've left here and some chocolate which I was going to melt on top and place into the fridge to harden it. I put my candle downstairs all day and closed the door, so it warmed it up a little and also smelt nice. I even brought you Lemon Iced Tea, I was pulling out all of the stops apart from flowers as it thought it might be a little too much. I also had something else planned if it progressed further but no a chance im writing that here. But that would only be a bonus. Minimum I wanted was you just being here and having some time to not think about anything and hope you'd have a nice time just being with me again. But I was going to use whatever I had to make you see how much you mean to me and I care. To try and relight the flame you had lost. 

 The only problem was, Sarah asked you to go out as she had some issues and hadn't seen you for a while. OUT OF ALL THE DAYS. But I understood. I wasnt angry or upset you didn't come in the end. I enjoyed just having a conversation with you again. I really enjoyed just speaking to you throughout the day. And it gives me hope that we can still make this happen and I still have my chance. Only issue is now, I dont see a situation where both my mom and dad are out of the house for you to come over and they not ask any questions, before I go on holiday. So its over to you now. I have 1 chance tomorrow morning before they come back, but that all depends on what time you wake up. Im writing this on the 19th, Ive been up since half 5 because of Thea, and I message you before 6 as you were active, but just as I sent it, you went offline so I take it you only just gone to bed so I wont speak to you till 12ish. But we shall see. Im glad you enjoyed your night out as much as I enjoy my day today