#ive got the house to myself this weekend so i can try some stuff out

[rearranging-deck-chairs]

ive got my party poison hair and im trying back on the purple doctor jacket i bought last year and havent really dared to try on again and ive got a pale green blouse and dark blue tie with flower patterns and i’ll need a bit of practice and a bit of time but im gonna have such a good gender one day

[steddieworks]

finally safe for me to fall - chapter 3

hi! sorry this update is a little later in the day than usual, I've had a rough weekend! Enjoy the chapter!

read on ao3

Summary: Eddie settles into his new home with the Harringtons.

Warnings for this chapter: Swearing

Words: 6k

It doesn’t take Eddie long to unpack his duffel bag. He hangs his shirts up with care, and folds his jeans and sticks them neatly into the top drawer of the dresser. He puts his socks and underwear in the next one over, and by then the duffel bag only holds a few cassettes, a sketchbook, and a lame gag gift a friend back home had given him. How embarrassing.

Eddie sits on the bed for a little while, trying to wrap his head around everything he’ll need to learn to be good at this job. All the ways he could fuck up taunt him somewhere in the dark corners of his mind, and he kindly tells those little voices to take a goddamn hike. He can do this. He doesn’t really have a choice.

He emerges from his room eventually, leaving his leather jacket and his boots behind. He feels a little awkward walking down the hall in such casual attire, in someone else’s house, but he forces himself into his fake-it-to-make-it persona. Technically, it’s his house too, now. He’s got every right to be here.

The little pep talk does nothing for him when he reaches the kitchen and finds Steve standing at the bar, his head bowed as he writes something. He’s got on a pair of glasses now, and Eddie’s throat closes a little bit at the sight. God, he’s gorgeous.

The twins spot him before Steve does, Ivy perking up from her spot on the floor across the room. “Eddie, can I show you my coloring page?” she asks excitedly, jumping up and waving a paper around above her head.

At the commotion, Steve glances up, smiling at Eddie. His eyes dart down, and Eddie isn’t sure if he’s imagining the subtle once-over he gives him. “Hey. Everything unpacked?” Steve asks.

Eddie nods, but turns around to answer the patient little girl first. “Sure, Ivy, let me see,” he meets her halfway, crouching down again and letting her explain why she chose this particular pink for the mermaid’s tail, but this particular pink for her hair.

When he glances up, Steve has a soft look on his face. He’s not quite smiling, but it’s close. “Alright, Ive,” he says gently. “Daddy needs to tell Eddie a few more things, so save your coloring sheet to show him later, okay?”

Ivy looks disappointed, but nods, going back to the coffee table. Eddie watches her poke at Jasmine’s paper, suggesting a color or something, and he can’t help how full his heart feels at the sight.

“They’re so excited to have someone else to show their things to,” Steve says, interrupting Eddie’s train of thought. Steve shrugs at him. “Rule one of children, they want to share everything with you.”

Eddie laughs. “Yeah, I see that.” He walks around the counter to peer down at whatever Steve was working on. “You said you had some more things to tell me?” he asks.

Steve nods, picking his pen back up. “Right. I’m jotting down some things so you’ll have like, a cheat sheet. School at seven-fifteen, pick them up at three, dance lessons on Thursdays, that sort of thing.”

Eddie nods. He leans forward, propping himself up on the counter with his arms as he watches Steve write. They’re close enough that he can smell that same, distinct Alpha smell, the bourbon-touched vanilla, and Eddie almost has to breathe through his mouth to look less like a sniffing freak.

“I’m leaving important phone numbers too- myself, Robin, their primary doctor, all that stuff.” Steve seems to think for a moment, chewing on the end of the pen absently. Eddie has to look away. “Oh, allergies. Neither of them can have strawberries, okay? They’ll break out in the worst way, and Jasmine even stopped breathing the last time she accidentally had one.”

That’s good to know, Eddie thinks. He never would’ve thought to ask about their allergies.

Steve glances at the list, seems to be pleased with it after a minute, and goes to pin it to the fridge using a magnet. “I’ll leave it here so it’s easier to refer to, okay?”

Eddie nods. He glances at the clock, sees that it’s almost time for dinner. “What time do you guys usually eat dinner?”

“Usually about six, since I like to try and get them in bed early.” Steve hesitates then. “There will probably be days where I’m not home by then, though, so you’ll have to go ahead and make their dinner. I’ll just eat later those nights, or grab something on my way home.”

Eddie isn’t sure why, but that makes him sad. The stupid omega part of his brain says that it’s not right for an alpha to not come home to a home-cooked meal to be shared with their family. He has to snap himself out of that train of thought quickly though, reminding himself firmly that he is not Steve’s omega, never will be.

“Alright,” Eddie says quietly.

“Girls? What are we feeling for dinner tonight?” Steve calls, glancing over at his daughters as he crosses his arms. He smiles when they both come bounding over, holding an arm out as Jasmine sidles up beside him, leaning against his leg.

“Can we have soup? And grilled cheese?” Ivy asks, climbing onto one of the barstools on the other side of the island. She’s not sitting on her bottom, and Eddie bites back the urge to correct her.

Luckily, he doesn’t have to. “Put your butt in that seat, missy, we don’t sit like wild animals in this house,” Steve says, pointing a finger at her.

She obeys, but grins, like she was just testing him. “Can we? Grilled cheese? Please?” She repeats, her voice getting higher and higher with each word.

Steve sighs, runs his fingers through Jasmine’s hair. “Does that sound okay with you, Jazz?”

Jasmine nods. “I guess so.”

“You have to eat the crusts if I make grilled cheese,” Steve adds, glancing between the two of them. “We’re not going to waste the bread just for you to nibble out of the middle and leave the best part.”

Ivy whines. Eddie has to bite his lip to hide his smile. “But Daddy,” she whines. “The crust is nasty!”

Eddie interjects then, shaking his head like he’d just heard something crazy. “I’m sorry, what? The crust is delicious! It’s got all the magic!”

Jasmine peeks up at him, looking intrigued. “Magic bread?” She asks.

Eddie grins. “Uh, yeah? Didn’t you know that eating the crust will make you grow big and strong?”

Ivy makes a disgusted noise. “I don’t wanna be big and strong,” she complains. “I wanna have mermaid hair.”

Steve rolls his eyes. “You’re not dyeing your hair, so let’s drop that one, okay?”

Ivy pouts. “Fine,” she said. She looks at Eddie then, squinting. “Is that your real hair?” She asks, sounding skeptical.

Eddie can’t help the snort that comes out of him. “Uh, yeah, as far as I’m aware.”

“Is it very long?” Jasmine asks, stepping away from Steve to look up at Eddie.

Shrugging, Eddie reaches up and tugs the hair tie out, his curls falling around his shoulders like they normally do. “It’s a little long,” he admits with a smirk when both of the girls look at him with dumbfounded expressions. Even Steve looks a little speechless.

“Wow,” Jasmine says. “It’s so curly,” she says, reaching her hand out like she wants to touch it.

Eddie crouches down and lets her do just that. “You wanna know why?” he asks, in a conspiratorial whisper. When the girl nods, he leans in and says, “it’s because I ate my crusts!”

Jasmine nods, like he’s already won her over, but Ivy still protests from the bar. “Daddy, is that true?” she demands.

Steve’s smiling when Eddie glances up at him. “Well, yeah. Eddie wouldn’t lie to you over something so serious, guys.” He glances down at him, and winks, the bastard. Eddie tries not to blush.

“Yup,” Eddie agrees. He stands, and feels his heart squeeze a little bit when Jasmine looks disappointed. He’s quick to come up with a compromise. “Do you guys know how to braid?” he asks the twins.

Ivy nods, but looks unsure. “Well… sorta. Daddy tried to teach us.” She gestures at her messy hair, and Eddie can’t help but laugh. “That’s how we end up with disasters like this.”

“Hey,” Steve protests weakly. His face is definitely a little pinker. “I tried my best.”

Eddie gives him a reassuring smile. “I’ll teach you guys how to braid later, and you can practice on my hair, okay?”

The twins nod excitedly, both of them chorusing their agreement. Eddie’s proud of himself for the easy bonding idea, reaching up to tie his hair back again before turning to Steve. Steve’s already looking right back at him. “So, soup?” he asks lightly, pretending having Steve’s eyes on him doesn’t make him nervous.

Steve seems to shake himself, but nods. “Yeah. Um… I’ll do soup if you’ll do the grilled cheese?” he asks.

Eddie smiles. He loves the idea of cooking together, a lot. “Sure,” he agrees. He goes over to the sink to wash his hands, pushing up the sleeves of his long-sleeve tee. He hears a gasp from across the bar, and glances up, a little startled. “What?” he asks, staring at Ivy, who is in turn, staring at Eddie’s arms.

“You have drawings!” the child squeals excitedly, practically climbing onto the counter to get a better look.

“Ivy Bryn, sit down,” Steve’s voice says from behind him. When Eddie glances back, he finds that Steve also looks slightly curious, but glances back to his daughter and gives her a look. “I mean it, get off the counter, missy.”

Ivy sighs, and sort of listens, crawling from one bar stool to another until she’s sitting in the one directly across from where Eddie is standing. “Where did you get them?” Ivy asks, studying the tattoos on Eddie’s arm.

“Oh, um…” He says, glancing down at them himself. “Just tattoo places.”

Jasmine tugs on his sleeve from beside him, so he moves his arm so she can see. “Wow,” she says softly, poking at the bats next to his elbow. “Pretty,” she observes sweetly.

Eddie smiles at her, rubs his hand over her hair. “Thanks, sweetheart,” he says. He turns his arm over so she can see the other one.

“What’s that one?” Ivy asks, leaning over the counter to look.

“Oh, it’s…” He glances at Steve, wondering if he should even bother explaining it. Steve shrugs, but nods like it’s okay. “It’s a puppet master’s hand, and his puppet is a demon.”

“Cool,” Jasmine whispers, her voice full of awe.

Eddie grins. “I know, right?” He dries his hands off on the towel beside the sink before turning to look for the bread.

“Here,” Steve says, handing it over. “Pan’s in the bottom drawer of the stove,” he says, gesturing to it as he goes to the fridge and starts pulling out butter and cheese. “Why’d you get those tattoos?” He asks, glancing at him over the fridge door.

It’s a simple enough question, but Eddie’s a little embarrassed of the answer. “Well, um… bats are my favorite animal,” he starts slowly. “And, um… I really like Metallica.”

Steve stares at him like he doesn’t understand the correlation. Dear god. “Oh,” he says, vaguely.

Eddie has to smile, shaking his head subtly as he takes the items out of Steve’s hands. “‘Master of Puppets’? Ever heard of it?” Eddie asks, thinking that it’ll for sure ring a bell.

Steve shakes his head, grinning sheepishly. “Sorry, no. Not really my wheelhouse.”

Eddie feigns a dramatic sigh. “It’s okay, not everyone can be cultured,” he teases.

It has the intended effect, and Steve’s head drops back in a loud laugh. “Right, of course,” he says, very obviously pretending to agree. He goes over to a cabinet and pulls two cans of tomato soup out, and Eddie tries not to show his surprise. He would’ve thought for sure that rich people made all their stuff from scratch, so he’s a little surprised to see the familiar Campbell’s can.

“Good choice,” Eddie says, nodding at it.

Steve smiles. “Thanks. It’s their favorite kind. I’m not a huge fan, but it’s edible enough.”

Eddie nods, watching butter sizzle in the pan he’s working with. “You know milk makes it taste better,” he offers.

“No shit?” Steve says, sounding surprised. “I don’t think I’ve ever put milk in it before.”

“Oh yeah, you’ve gotta put milk,” Eddie tells him emphatically. “Or even heavy cream, that makes it even better. Otherwise you’re just drinking ketchup, right?”

Steve wrinkles his nose, but laughs. “Yeah, you’re right. We’ll try that this time, then.”

It’s mostly quiet after that, the two of them moving around the kitchen, preparing dinner while the twins chat aimlessly at the counter behind them. Every now and then, Steve steps too close, brushes his arm against Eddies, does something that makes Eddie hold his breath. He knows none of it is intentional, of course, but that doesn’t make it feel any less electric. Eddie’s just glad he remembered to spritz himself with scent blockers that morning, or else this would probably be very embarrassing indeed.

When everything is finished, Steve goes through and pours soup into four bowls while Eddie cuts each grilled cheese sandwich diagonally, which personally, he thinks is the tastiest shape. They put the food in front of the girls, and Eddie smiles when they immediately say “thank you.” They’re such good kids.

“We’ve got coke, water, or wine,” Steve informs Eddie from where he stands at the fridge. He glances at him, his glasses shoved up into his hair, and Eddie can’t help but think how soft he looks.

“Oh, um. Water is fine,” Eddie finally says after just staring at him for a moment too long.

Steve nods and goes about making drinks for the girls. Eddie watches him poor little travel-sized Kool-aid pouches into their glasses, and he smiles. Steve must catch him, because he says, “I would’ve offered you this but I didn’t want to insult you with my child-based selection,” he jokes.

Eddie laughs, shakes his head. “Right. Yeah, I think I’ll just stick to water.” He walks around the kitchen island with his own bowl, taking the seat next to Jasmine. “Is it pretty good?” He asks, glancing at each of them in turn.

Jasmine gives him a thumbs-up, slurping her soup loudly. Ivy is dunking the edge of her grilled cheese into the soup, looking at the crust like she’s not sure it can be trusted. It makes Eddie giggle. “It’s not gonna bite you, love,” he tells her.

Ivy gives him a sheepish look. “I know,” she says. She bites into it, and apparently it’s not as bad as she expects, because she continues eating, half of her grilled cheese gone just like that.

Eddie smiles, catching Steve’s eye for a moment. “Not so bad, was it?” Steve asks, setting drinks down in front of the twins and going back for his and Eddie’s. He takes the seat at the opposite end of the bar, on the seat next to Ivy.

“I guess not,” Ivy shrugs, but sounds like she doesn’t want to admit that they were right. Eddie can relate to that.

They eat in relative silence, the twins asking Eddie questions every now and then.

“Where are you from?”

“How old are you?”

“Do you like princesses?”

“Do you have kids?”

“Why not?”

By the time those types of questions roll around, Eddie is a bit frazzled.

“That’s enough,” Steve interrupts when Ivy innocently asks Eddie why he doesn’t have children of his own. “It’s not appropriate to ask someone those kinds of questions, girls.”

“But, Daddy - “ Ivy tries to interrupt.

Steve cuts her off with a sharp look. “No. Finish your dinner quietly. I don’t want to hear you two asking Eddie that question again, got it?”

“Mr. Harrington…” Eddie starts, a little hurt on the twins’ behalf. They couldn’t help being curious.

Steve glances at him. “Steve,” he corrects.

Eddie feels his face flush. He will not be calling him that. “They’re not hurting anything,” he says quietly. “I don’t mind them asking.”

“Well, I do,” Steve says, giving Eddie a deadpan look. “It’s none of our business,” he says, glancing at each of the twins pointedly.

Eddie thinks maybe he’s missing something, but he’s not sure what it is.

“Sorry,” Jasmine says quietly from beside Eddie.

“Yeah, sorry,” Ivy repeats, poking at the last bit of grilled cheese on her plate.

Steve sighs. “Are you guys finished eating?” he asks. When they nod, he gestures to the hall. “Alright. Go put your pajamas on. We’ll watch a movie before bed, yeah?”

That perks them right back up, much to Eddie’s relief. He didn’t think he could stand to see them so disappointed for long. As soon as the room is empty once more, he stands, collecting dishes and sparing glances at Steve. Steve’s got his head in his hand, and looks the picture of exhaustion.

“Everything okay?” Eddie asks, timidly.

Steve glances up at him, and looks briefly embarrassed. “Oh, yeah. Just… tired, I guess.” Eddie can feel his eyes on him as he piles their dishes into the sink, but he pretends that he doesn’t. After a few minutes of comfortable silence, Steve clears his throat. “So, your days off. We need to discuss that.”

“Oh… okay,” Eddie says.

“Since I work during the week, it’d be easier if I just let you have Saturday and Sunday, if that’s alright with you,” Steve says.

Eddie nods, glancing up at him as he starts running water into the sink. Steve hasn’t tried to stop him yet, so Eddie gives himself a mental high five, since clearly he’s doing something right. “That’s fine with me,” he says. “And honestly, just one day would be enough. Not like I’ve got anything else to do, anyway.”

Steve gives him an odd look. “No, I want you to have a life outside of this, Eddie. I know you’re new to the city, but I can recommend places for you to check out, and you could meet new people, make friends.” Steve shrugs, like it’s that easy.

Eddie bites his lip, but doesn’t correct him. “Okay,” he replies softly, scrubbing the bowls under the hot dishwater.

“And one more thing,” Steve says. His voice sounds a bit different, and Eddie is confused when he looks up and finds a sort of embarrassed expression on his face. “Um, your heat.”

Ah. That explains the embarrassment.

“Oh,” Eddie says. He feels awkward talking about it so casually with the man who is going to be paying his salary, but he supposes it’s inevitable. “I’m on suppressants. I haven’t had a heat in over a year.” He hopes that’s not too much oversharing, but surely given the scope of the question, it’s alright.

Steve nods. “Alright. And you think you’ll be on suppressants for the foreseeable future?” he asks.

“Um,” Eddie starts, unsure how to answer. “Probably?” He’s not sure why Steve is asking that. Typically, omegas are on heat suppressants until their alpha decides it’s time to have pups, although in that scenario, the suppressants are probably more of a precaution so there are no pre-mating accidents. Steve already knows Eddie’s certainty that he won’t be having children, and he has no alpha, so to him, it’s a silly question.

Steve only nods again, looking satisfied enough with the answer. “Well, if that changes, please let me know so I know what days I’ll have to make other arrangements for, okay?”

That sounds like a sensible request. Heats typically take up to a few days to pass, and it would certainly put Steve in a bind if he didn’t have childcare for that long.

“Sure,” Eddie says neutrally when he does finally answer.

Luckily they’re spared any more embarrassing heat talk by the sound of the twins returning, both of them dressed in Hello Kitty pajamas. They look adorable, of course.

“Did you brush your teeth?” Steve asks, turning to look at them. They nod, and his eyes narrow. Eddie smirks down at the dishes he’s almost finished washing. “Did you brush your hair?” He asks, glancing pointedly at Ivy, whose hair very obviously hasn’t been touched.

“Um…” She says, hesitating.

“If you give me a couple minutes, I’ll brush it,” Eddie says from the sink, smiling over at the girls. He glances at Steve then, a little sheepish. “If that’s okay?”

Steve smiles and nods at him. “Yeah, that’s fine with me. Go get your brushes, girls.”

They scurry out of the room once more, and Steve turns to look at Eddie. “I know they can do it on their own,” Eddie offers, feeling a little silly. He rinses the last cup, places it in the drainboard, and grabs the hand towel next to the sink. “I just like doing that sort of thing.”

“That’s okay,” Steve says, his voice soft. “I think it’s sweet. I usually insist that they take good care of their hair, and I can buy all the good products, but actually styling their hair? Forget it. It’s long and curly, and I’ve got no idea what to do with that.”

Eddie grins. “Well, as it turns out, I know a guy, so you’re in luck.”

Steve smiles at him, that same vague, soft thing that makes Eddie’s heart race a little. “Good,” he says. “They’ll be thrilled to have someone who knows what the hell they’re doing.”

The girls come bouncing back in then, and Eddie notices that each of them now have hair ties on their wrists, too. “Can you braid it?” Ivy asks excitedly, holding out her hairbrush first.

Eddie laughs at their enthusiasm, but nods. “Sure. Come on, let’s go sit down. Jasmine, you can watch me braid Ivy’s and she can watch me braid yours, and then you guys can practice on my hair, okay?”

The twins very vocally agree with that, and Eddie gives Steve a little grin as the twins lead him into the living room. Steve follows behind, turning the tv on and searching for a movie while Eddie gets situated on one end of the plush sofa, patting the spot in front of him for Ivy to come sit. They’re on the long sofa against the window, and this way, they’re actually fully facing the tv, not just the coffee table and kitchen, which Eddie thinks works out quite nicely.

“Alright, c’mere, Jazz. You’ve gotta stand over here to see what I’m doing,” Eddie instructs.

Jasmine dutifully comes to his side, and he scooches over as far as he can so she can sit right next to his hip. He talks quietly to them as he takes Ivy’s hair out of the bun, explaining to them that curly hair should be combed while it’s wet, but never brushed while it’s dry unless it’s being braided or something. “You don’t want it to be frizzy, okay?”

They both nod, and Eddie smiles at how raptly they seem to be paying attention. He pretends he doesn’t feel Steve watching them from the armchair next to the sofa, but his presence is there, loud in the silence that radiates from where he sits. He’s turned on some film that Eddie can’t remember the name of, and he’s pretty positive none of them are paying attention to it.

He brushes Ivy’s hair softly, starting at the ends and detangling upwards slowly. At one point he brushes through a hidden tangle, and she yelps. “Oh, I’m sorry, honey,” Eddie says, immediately leaning in and kissing the spot on her head where he’d yanked her hair, petting over it like that’ll ease the sting. “I didn’t even see that tangle. I’m so sorry.”

“‘S okay,” Ivy says, shrugging like it didn’t bother her at all.

“They’re not tender-headed, are they?” Eddie asks, turning to glance at Steve.

Steve waves his hand in a noncommittal “sort-of” gesture. “Eh, not too bad. Jazz is a little more touchy about it, though.”

Eddie nods. He finishes brushing Ivy’s hair, handing her the brush to hold as he starts the braid. “Okay, this is just a regular braid, okay? I’ll show you how to French braid when we get good at the regular one, alright?”

Jasmine nods, watching Eddie section the hair before he starts twisting it. “So you start with three… and you’re just going over the middle, over the middle, over the middle…” Eddie says as he slowly demonstrates. “You just keep doing that all the way down, okay?”

“Okay,” Jasmine says. She leans against Eddie’s side as she watches, and his heart grows warm at the gentle affection. He can already tell he’s getting attached to these kids. God, and it’s only day one.

He finishes Ivy’s hair within a few minutes, letting Jasmine help with the last couple of plaits before tying it off. “Good job, honey. Now, swap places so Ivy can see how to do it.”

Jasmine agrees quickly, and Ivy slides off the sofa, pulling her braid around to look at it with a big smile. “Daddy, look at my braid!” she says excitedly, turning her back to Steve so he can admire it.

“It’s really nice, lovebug. Make sure you tell Eddie thank you, yeah?” Steve says. Eddie glances at him, and his heart skips a beat at the sight of him leaning back in his chair, his ankle crossed over his knee as he watches them. They share a smile, and Eddie pats the space in front of him for Jasmine to occupy.

“Thanks,” Ivy says as she comes to sit beside Eddie, taking Jasmine’s spot. She leans her head against Eddie’s arm, and he can’t help the smile on his face.

“You’re so welcome, sweetness. Now let me show you how you do it.” He brushes Jasmine’s hair very carefully, and luckily this time, there are no accidental tugs. He separates the hair out, just like he did with Ivy’s, and explains the process to her, slowly plaiting it as he talks.

A movement out of the corner of his eye startles him and he glances back to see Steve leaning closer, watching Eddie’s hands to see what he’s doing. When Eddie smiles at him, Steve shrugs sheepishly. “I kind of want to learn, too,” he admits.

Eddie grins. “C’mere, it’s pretty easy.”

To his surprise, Steve does move closer, coming to sit on the arm of the sofa Eddie’s back is up against. He can feel the heat of his thigh pressing against his back, and he pretends that he feels very normal about that.

“So, uh,” he says, stuttering a bit. “You just start with the three sections, and take one on either side and go over the one in the middle.”

“Does it matter which side you start on?” Steve asks.

Eddie shakes his head. “No, I usually start on the right out of habit, but it doesn’t really make a difference.”

He thinks he feels a hand touch his hair briefly, but the pressure is so fleeting that he could have very well imagined it. He imagines Steve taking the hair tie out, running his hands through Eddie’s curls, and it almost makes him squirm. God, he’d love that.

He finishes up Jasmine’s braid the same way he did Ivy’s, letting Ivy take over the last couple of plaits before tying it off.

“Alright, are we ready to practice on our real-life mannequin?” Eddie asks with a grin, shaking Jasmine’s shoulders playfully as he glances over at Ivy. They both nod, and Eddie smiles, patting Jasmine’s back so she’ll scoot down the sofa so he can resettle. “Alright, one on each side, I’ll part my hair and you guys can just freaking - go to town,” he says playfully, reaching up and pulling his hair tie out. He does a rough middle part with his fingers, and then, almost as an afterthought, he parts a small section out of the front, almost like he’s pulling his hair to cut more bangs, and holds it in his hand.

“Remember, three sections, over the middle,” Eddie reminds them as he settles. “Go for it.”

As soon as he gives the go-ahead, he feels them grab for his hair, dividing it the best they can. He peeks up at Steve, who’s still watching him from his perch on the arm of the sofa. He’s got the softest smile on his face, and all Eddie can think is cute, cute, cute.

He waves his little handful of hair at Steve. “C’mere, I saved some for you too.”

Steve looks a little surprised at that. “Oh,” he says, his voice sort of high and light. Eddie halfway expects him to decline, but instead, he moves to sit on the low coffee table, scooting forward so that they’re almost touching knees. He grins at Eddie, or at least Eddie thinks that’s what he’s doing, from what little he can see of him through the forest of hair. “You look a bit like Cousin It,” Steve teases.

Eddie snorts. “You do too, from this side,” he jokes.

Steve is definitely smiling as he reaches out, taking the hair gently out of Eddie’s hand, his fingers brushing his knuckles lightly, accidentally.

“Three sections,” Eddie says softly. His voice sounds sort of funny, and he realizes that he can sort of hear his blood rushing to his head, his heart beating incredibly too fast for the situation they’re in. This is so embarrassing, he thinks vaguely, trying to focus on the twins on either side of him rather than their father, who’s practically staring into his soul not a foot away from his face.

“Over the middle,” Steve says quietly, almost to himself. “Am I doing this right?” He asks, sounding skeptical.

Eddie nearly has to cross his eyes to see. “It looks fine to me,” he says with a little shrug. He glances at his left, then his right. “How are we doing, kiddos?”

“Mine looks funny,” Ivy announces, her voice full of glee, like the idea of making Eddie look ridiculous pleases her greatly.

Eddie rolls his eyes, and Steve has a matching look of fond exasperation. “Then you’re probably not doing something right,” Steve chastises her gently.

“I think mine is right,” Jasmine offers on Eddie’s right side. He tries to glance at the braid she’s creating, but he can’t see much of anything with his hair pulled into all these different directions.

“I’m sure it’s fine, hon. I’m sure they all are.” He smirks underneath his curtain of hair covering his face. “Well, except your dad’s. I don’t know how he’s doing,” he says in a stage whisper.

The girls giggle, but the jibe earns him a little tug from the man in question. And of course, because Eddie is some kind of degenerate heathen, it nearly makes him moan. Good god. “Hey, I’m trying, here,” Steve protests. “And they have more hair than I do, at least I’ve only got a little bit I can mess up.”

Eddie laughs, and hopes it doesn’t sound hoarse. “That just means it should be easier for you!” he taunts.

Steve just shakes his head, tsking, but when he finishes, it actually doesn’t look half bad. He lifts the little plait up so he can see Eddie’s face, grinning at him widely. “Oh, there you are,” he jokes.

“Here I am,” Eddie chirps back. He couldn’t stop smiling if he fucking tried. God this little family is the cutest. He’s so fucking screwed.

The twins finish theirs, showing them off proudly. Jasmine’s looks the best, but Ivy’s attempt definitely has… character. They have a good laugh over it all, and eventually, Steve announces it’s time for bed. The twins complain that they haven’t gotten to watch a movie, but Steve scoffs.

“Sure you did. You got to watch, and star in, Barbie Makeover: Eddie Edition. That’s more than enough entertainment for a night,” he says.

Eddie giggles at that.

“Alright, come on. Time for bed, sleepyheads. School tomorrow, so we’re not staying up late. Let’s go,” Steve says, standing up after giving his attempted braid one last friendly tug. Eddie’s glad his face is partially hidden.

“Can Eddie tuck us in too?” Jasmine asks as she follows Steve down the hall. Eddie follows a bit slower, trying to undo the braids and put his hair back in a more manageable state. Ivy is somewhere in front of him, humming and playing with her own braid.

“Sure,” Steve says. He glances back at Eddie, grinning at the madness of him still untangling that final braid. “It’s a good look, Eddie,” he says with a shit-eating grin.

Eddie tries to return it with something vaguely sarcastic. “Sure,” he mocks. He finally manages to shove all his hair out of his face and back onto his shoulders, but he knows it’s probably frizzy as hell now. Oh well.

Steve flicks the light in the twins’ room on, going over to flick on a night light and grab a book from the short bookcase next to the window. “Alright, let’s read Amelia Bedelia tonight, sound good?”

Ivy and Jasmine agree easily enough, and Eddie sort of hangs back, watching as they each climb into a bed, both of them pulling a stuffed animal close to them. It’s sweet.

“Eddie, come read too,” Ivy says, patting her bed on the other side of where Steve has just sat.

Steve glances at him with a smile, nodding his head to indicate he should do just that. So he does, going to sit down on the opposite side, but then he glances over at Jasmine, her bed close, but still looking alone. Luckily, he doesn’t have to feel bad for long, because then Steve is saying, “C’mere, sweetheart, come sit with us while we read our book.”

Jasmine smiles, sliding out from under her covers and joining them on Ivy’s bed immediately, snuggling in for a bedtime story.

Eddie listens as Steve begins reading, and his eyes flicker between the three of them, cataloging every single shift in their voices and expressions, watching as the twins grow sleepier and sleepier, Steve’s voice becoming lower and lower. It’s almost making Eddie sleepy, and he has to stop himself from leaning against Steve’s back.

Eventually, the twins are asleep, the book is put away, a sleeping Jasmine is returned to her own bed, and the door is pulled almost-shut behind them as they leave the room.

“So, first day?” Steve says quietly as they hesitate in the corridor. “Do you think you’ll be okay to be with them on your own tomorrow, when they get out of school?”

Eddie nods, an easy smile on his face. “Yeah, I think we’re going to be just fine.”

Steve smiles, and Eddie notices some tension visibly leaving his shoulders. “Great. They really like you, Eddie. You really hit it off with them.”

Eddie preens at the praise. “Good. I think they’re great, I can’t imagine having any better kids to nanny for, honestly.” He hesitates before reaching out and touching Steve’s wrist, saying softly, “I think you’re doing a great job with them.”

Steve’s smile twitches, and an emotion deeper than just joy flashes across his face for a split second. He presses his wrist into the touch for a second before pulling away. “Thank you. That… that means a lot.”

“Of course,” Eddie nods. He realizes this is where their conversation needs to end. “Um, goodnight, I guess. I’ll see you in the morning?”

Steve nods. “Yep, bright and early. Get some rest, Eddie.”

“Yeah. Goodnight.”

“Night.”

Eddie sleeps easy that night, easier than he has in years, probably.

[aestheticvoyage2023]

Day 239: Sunday August 27, 2023 - "Poopy Potty Star"

Wiiliam has been making a lot of great progress in potty training, even scoring himself a poo on the potty at school last week! But I am becoming more and more aware, of the weak link in his potty training - weekends with Dad! So as I mentally prepared for the coming weekend I made an intentional plan to keep potty reminders on the front of mind for both of us - if for nothing else to help with that wiring of him telling me when he felt he needed to go. I just felt I needed to get him always thinking about it with me, even when we were out doing stuff in town. We worked together on it, and everything went well. But he did have some motivation. I had taken note at how much he loved the trucks at the library earlier in the week, and so I made sure to have those exact trucks on hand. And on Friday after school I pulled him aside for a conversation. "Remember those trucks from the library?" And he immediately rattled them off, garbage truck, fire truck, dump truck. "They'll be yours, Ive got them bud, all you need to do is poop on the potty and have no dirty diapers each day and you'll have them all. And I want you to do it! Im pulling for you, because I know you can do it. And I'll help." He gave me a look, as if he were wondering if I was bluffing about having the trucks. So I showed him the unopened packages. He said "ok" and we spent the evening literally trying to poop as if he could call it forward on demand like that, and he shook with all his will trying to make it happen for that fire truck. But that poo wouldn't come until morning, fully loaded now, to unlock the Recycling/Garbage truck. And he was so happy with that for a couple hours or so until he wanted to package it up and take it back for the fire truck. I told him, all you have to do is cook up another poop and they'll both be yours! "yea"

On Sunday afternoon, after nap, William was determined to poop on the potty again, even telling me, that he would definitely let me know, and even protesting putting on a diaper. I loved his confidence and focus. He asked for Tacos for dinner. "Taco Bell?" I asked "Yes. Taco Bell" he answered. He's serious! I got him a bean and rice and cheese burrito and he loved on that for about an hour before he came to me happily and said "daddy, poo poo coming." yea baby. We're doing it now! Leveled up. I got his diaper off and he climbed up on the big toilet, no bumper seat, and delivered a very triumphant poop, and the entire I wrestled to wipe his butt, he made sure that I had not forgotten that this shitty sacrifice was given up in exchange for the fire truck. So for the second day in two days, he unwrapped a Green Toys Truck matching his library treasure trove. A fire truck to go with his recycling truck. And as he played proudly with those two, I reminded him - I've got two more. We play again tomorrow! Cook another one up and lets keep this game rolling!

I put him to be tonight really proud of myself. I made a plan to make progress in this very specific area and was very mindful of how I prioritized it and it had paid off. A whole weekend with no dirty diapers. He really was a potty star this weekend and I was proud of the Dad work I am doing. I obviously was speaking his language this weekend!

Song: Zach Bryan - Holy Roller (feat. Sierra Ferrell)

Quote: "You hurry while I stand here, trying to recapture the past. And here you are, brushing it aside, the past of tomorrow, which is the present of today, you are brushing it aside as you string along, intent on your cheap present practical and physical desires and comfort. You fool! Wait, don’t hurry. Get out of my old house! And then on the way home, I think about the fool and the other fools, and myself a fool. Hurrying away the past of tomorrow, like I had hurried away the past of today, in the past. Fools, I think. Myself a fool. I must take it slow now and look at the present and say to myself: Look, John, hold the present now because someday it will be very precious. Hug it, and hold it. And just yesterday I was sauntering home thinking about the future. The future! What a fool, I, myself, a fool, hurrying.” ― Jack Kerouac

[flamestoflight]

~homeowner things~

lol this week has been so nuts in terms of house stuff. 

Ever since Ida passed through my sump pump has been alarming like every 15 minutes nonstop and I have spent over 2 hours trying to troubleshoot and no success. Ended up turning it off on the breaker just so it would stop alarming and thankfully have a plumber coming over to look at it Friday

I took out a wasps nest!! actually physically removed it today was super proud of myself for handling it by myself even though its not really a big deal probably.

also set up a hose/sprinkler for my back lawn today and when i tried to turn it on water came pouring out of the faucet like not actually coming through the hose?? don’t have it in me to figure that out today with all the stuff i’ve been doing lol but i sense another 2 hour project coming up soon.....and then probably calling a plumber anyways

between yesterday and today have spent >1 hour going back and forth between the county tax bureau and my mortgage company over this tax bill that i got and no one can give me a clear answer about it and it is sooooo freaking frustrating. still unsure where i stand with it

did pay some other taxes/bills today

and FINALLY this afternoon went though this HUGE folder that i have where i shove all my important-looking mail and other important documents (e.g. the deed to my house, my mortgage ID number and info, my gas/electric account info, etc.) and I organized it all into a big binder with folders and stuff. 

also FINALLY finished breaking down the last of the boxes to be recycled. it’s been like 4 weeks that ive filled up my recycling with broken down boxes from moving/ordering furniture etc. and as of this afternoon it’s finally all out of my basement!

also cleared out my office room and the desk space, organized all my stuff and made drawers for different categories of things lol.

and we might end up cancelling the couch order (that was placed 2 months ago and will still allegedly take another 6 weeks to be delivered) and just get one from costco instead that will be delivered in like a week soooo that would be cool if that worked out!

i’m super wiped and dying for a nap but i might just go with more coffee and continuing to power through. still gotta meal prep for the rest of the week, do laundry, finish vacuuming, take care of some stuff for the cats, unpack from the weekend, etc. Although this can all get really stressful and overwhelming I feel pretty damn accomplished and want to acknowledge myself for that

[barnesandrogersfanfics]

Ocean Eyes - Part 10

A/N- Another update??? What is going on??! hope you all enjoy this part 💕 Please like/share/reblog.

Within days of being back home from our weekend at Chris's the lockdown was announced and I spent a day packing up some of mine and Masons belongings that we might need while staying with Chris. While i was feeling very nervous about having to spend this time with Chris, Mason was over the moon! He was so excited that we had to go stay with Chris and Dodger.

Chris arrived early with Scott and they loaded our things into Chris's car.

"This is gonna be so much fun!" Scott said happily.

"Are you staying at Chris's too?"

"I am!"

"Oh god that means you're gonna be trying to get me drunk!"

"Well duh!" He laughed shrugging like it should have been a given.

"God help me you two are gonna be trouble" Chris said shaking his head as he helped Mason into his carseat.

"You knew what you were getting yourself into".

While Chris and Scott started bickering i turned and saw Brian coming out of his house, he stood and watched us and then started to walk towards us.

"Oh shit.... quick lets go, Brians coming over!"

"This guy!" Chris said through gritted teeth shaking his head and looking a little pissed off.

"Morning neighbour!" Brian called out, i turned and gave a quick wave.

"You and Mason leaving?"

"Yep, we're gonna ride this out with family" i nodded and felt Chris wrap his arm around my waist and pull me closer to him.

"Come on sweetheart we should go"

"Yeah sure, take care Brian"

"Wait, you look so familiar...." Brian suddenly said looking more closely at Chris "where have i seen you before?"

"I just have one of those faces, i get that a lot" Chris shrugged casually opening my door for me.

"Yeah maybe..... hey Y/N, i was thinking after this lockdown is over maybe you and i can get dinner...."

Was he serious right now??

"Dude really??!....." Chris snapped looking at Brian shaking his head.

"What?"

Chris closed my door and stood towering over Brian as they exchanged words i could no longer hear. Chris was soon strutting round to the driver side of the car while Brian stood there looking pissed. I turned to look at Chris as he got into the car, he was fuming. He started the car and pulled away onto the road, his grip on the steering wheel so tight his knuckles went white.

"Hey, you okay?" I asked him quietly.

"I will be knowing you and Mason are away from that creep"

"What did you say to him?"

"We'll talk about it later, i don't want Mace to hear"

"Okay, but can you please try and calm down....."

"Im Fine"

"Tell your face that, plus you're kinda white knuckling the steering wheel there....."

"Sorry.... sorry. Im fine really...." he loosened his grip and gave me a tight lipped smile.

"Always so protective" Scott chuckled from the back seat earning him a glare in the rear view mirror.

"Scott i swear to god...."

"Come on boys behave, this lockdown hasn't even started yet and you're bickering"

"You sure you don't wanna go stay with Ma....." Chris muttered at Scott making us all laugh.

The first week of lockdown quickly passed, there was no news on when the lockdown would let up so we were all just enjoying our time together.....It was just like old times. I called my mom and Hannah everyday just to check in and have some female conversation but other than that it was just me and the Evan's boys in our little quarantine bubble.

I was in the kitchen making breakfast when Chris walked in sporting a new haircut..... the buzzcut was back!

"Wow...... you've shaved your hair...."

"Yeah" he run his hand over his head blushing a little "fancied a change, its been a long time since i can just cut my hair when i want"

"Right, Marvel owned it before"

"No...."

"You know i'm right" i shrugged "i always did like the buzzcut look though"

"Yeah i remember....." he smirked.

"Morning family!" Scott said loudly walking into the kitchen "What happened to your hair??"

"Fancied a change, plus now i haven't gotta worry about my hair everyday"

"You know that actually sounds kinda smart..... have you seen my bed head??"

"Kinda hard to miss Scotty" i snickered behind my hand looking at his hair that was sticking up left, right and centre.

"Maybe i should do it too"

"And me!" Mason said smiling big at us "i want hair like dads too!"

"Oh my god Chris what have you started..."

"Sorry...."

"No its fine, its only hair. It'll grow back right.... i guess now is as good a time as any for a haircut".

After breakfast Chris took Mason for his hair cut while i showered and dressed for the day. The next time i saw them all three were sporting buzzcuts and i had to admit it was very cute!

"Let me get a photo of you three, this is just too cute to pass up" i smiled grabbing my phone. I snapped a few photo's and forwarded them to Chris and Scott before setting one as my lock screen and slipping my phone back into my pocket.

"Oh my god i love this.... i'm gonna get this blown up and framed on my wall" Chris smiled looking at the photo.

"Let me get one of you three" Scott jumped up and pulled me towards the sofa where Chris and Mason still sat.

"Oh.... we dont have to do that....."

"Come on, it'll be nice to have at least one photo of the three of us" Chris said looking up at me with those damn ocean eyes of his that always made me week.

"Okay, sure" i nodded taking the seat next to Mason.

"Move in a bit closer....." Scott said trying to get us all in frame, we both leaned in closer to Mason and smiled while Scott took the photo.

"Oh i'm good..... this is great you guys" Scott said before both our phones were receiving photo's from Scott. I couldn't help the smile on my face when i saw how lovely the photo had come out.

"Okay you did good, i love this"

"This ones going up too by the way" Chris looked at me with a huge smile.

"You don't have to do that...."

"You kidding me? I want to"

"Fair enough, its your house. I just don't think your girlfriend will appreciate it much".

"Okay..... who wants lunch??" Scott asked loudly interrupting, it had suddenly got a bit awkward at the mention of Lindsey so i just got up quickly and followed Scott into the kitchen.

Once Mason was in bed for the night the alcohol came out. We watched some old movie (that Chris found hilarious) played some card games which somehow led to childish drinking games and before we knew it we were all pretty wasted!

"Right you guys i'm going to bed, i physically can not drink anymore" Scott said getting to his feet and stumbling making Chris and I laugh.

"Dude you're such a lightweight" Chris rolled his eyes at his brother.

"Shut up. Goodnight.... love you both"

"Night Scotty, love you" i smiled up at him from where i was laying on sofa.

"Night bro, love ya".

Chris and I sat in silence for a few minutes, just the sounds on the TV playing in the background.

"You want another beer?" He asked getting up from the armchair he had been occupying all night.

"Sure, i'll have one more before bed".

While Chris went to grab the beers i sat and reached for my phone to make sure i hadn't missed any messages from my mom or Hannah. There was a photo from Hannah that made me laugh just as Chris walked back in with the beers.

"Hannah just sent me this photo..." i said to him turning my phone to show him a photo of Lucas who now had a buzzcut.

"Haha! Oh god i really started something didn't i?" He laughed looking a bit guilty.

"I sent her a photo of Mason's new haircut earlier, she said Lucas wouldn't shut up about wanting the same.... looks like he got his way"

"You gotta admit it looks cute though?"

"Yeah okay i'll give you that. Mason is like your little mini me, even more so than usual"

"He’s just missing the beard"

"I think we've still got some time until that happens" i laughed "you definitely have strong genes Evans.....that boy literally inherited none of my looks"

"No but he's got your attitude and sass"

"Hey!"

"Im kidding.... mostly"

"Ass" i muttered shaking my head at him before taking a mouthful of my beer.

"He might look like me but his personality is all you sweetheart... he's an amazing kid"

"Yeah he is, id be lost without him"

"I kinda love having you both here" Chris added avoiding eye contact with me.

"Its been nice, just remember its not permanent...."

"I know, i know" he nodded quickly "you know when i came in and saw you laughing at your phone, my first thought was that it might've been Derek.... i hate that guy and i don't even know him" he scoffed "how sad is that?"

"Chris....."

"I know, its none of my business who you date or whatever"

"You're right it is none of your business. But just for the record, there's nothing going on with Derek, we were gonna go for dinner before this lockdown stuff but i haven't spoken to him since"

"Oh...."

"Can i ask you something?" I turned to face him, he looked up and nodded finally looking at me.

"Why isn't Lindsey here?"

"What?...."

"Why isn't Lindsey staying with you? I mean you guys are obviously serious if you came looking for that divorce but she isn't here....."

Chris looked away again coughing to clear his throat.... was he nervous??

"Lindsey isn't here because i ended it"

"What?... when?"

"When i found out i had a son. When i saw you again and realised anything i thought i felt for her was a lie"

"Are you fucking with me right now?"

"No. Im just being honest. Y/N, i know i fucked up when i ended things with us.... it was the biggest mistake of my life and i regret it everyday.... but i never stopped loving you. Not for one god damn second...."

I suddenly felt very sober, my heart pounding in my chest.

“You’re just saying this because you’ve had too much to drink...” i muttered shaking my head.

“You’re probably right, doesn’t mean its not true. Ive just been keeping it to myself” Chris suddenly got up and came to sit next me taking hold of my hand “i know my timings sucks but i just needed you to know..... and i just need to know if there is any chance at all that you’d give me another chance.....”

“Chris i really don’t think now is a good time to talk about this.... we’ve both had too much to drink..... if you’re serious about this i think we need to have this conversation sober”

“But you’re willing to have that conversation?”

“We’ll talk about it tomorrow” i nodded pulling my hand free and standing up “i’m gonna go to bed.... goodnight”.

I had to put some distance between us before i did something id regret in the morning.

It was safe to say i wouldn’t be getting much sleep tonight.

Everything taglist: @jesseswartzwelder @dumblani @barnesandrogersworld @patzammit @rynabarnesrogers-reading @rainbowkisses31 @rororo06 @supernaturalwintersoldier @fairlightswiftly @hiddelstannerbarnes

Ocean eyes: @supraveng @michelehansel @melissaglenn5 @denisemarieangelina

@mrsjeffwittek @mery-be @marvelfansworld @cmalass @capstopavenger @fallenoutofrose @kelbabyblue @biebsmylife95 @loser-alert @traceyaudette @w3lissax @jennmurawski13 @ford66steal @saiyanprincessswanie @christocrave

@jakiki94 @torntaltos @buchanansebba

[poetofthedyingstars]

you know what. i kind of suck. when i was in kindergarten, my parents dressed up really well - clothes, they usually just wear for special occasion. i was graduating from kinder and well for a small kid, it's a big thing! i had like a medal - 'second honor' my teacher said. my parents were lil happy that they gave me a fast-food chain treat.

when i entered elementary, well. life was pretty shit. i had a pretty much bad influenced on my first grade at school. and there's this girl who ALWAYS steals my food at recess. and kids stuff. second grade was just dumb. third grade was okay - i finally get to attend Recognition Day again. i was top 9 and had a sticker that says Most Neat and Clean. i remember my Dad kind of mocking me about it. most neat and clean? u that good at cleaning at school, you never do that at the house? Top 9 only? woah, bro. thanks i guess. grade 4? pretty good. i had cool friends. i discovered my first favorite artist - Avril Lavigne. puppy love. i managed to well sneak my self into Recognition Day again. as Top 8, if my memory serves me right. grade 5? downright bad. had to adjust to a new environment because my grandparents went back to our hometown and my parents had work so now we moved houses. friends? barely had one. can i still go outside and have some fun? no, never. stricter than ever. school? so fucking bad that my mom would scold me every weekend. so bad that i cry myself every night thinking that i will never be good enough for my parents - i have to do GOOD. i have to. it was a really rough time trying to adjust and i was just so alone. my mom's way of letting out her own steam had always been talking. but being with her 24/7 now makes it so much harder. she literally badmouths me every fucking day. she notices my hair? god, your hair is the worst. looks? uniform? friends??? everything. 6th grade was okay-ish. i have friends. they're okay. i kind of adjusted. my teachers are kind of no better but that's okay. im passing and im still inside the top 10. that's cool! 6th grade was elementary graduation. fun stuffs. i hated the graduation ceremony the most. it was not fucking awesome but okay. not like i can change it now.

7th grade? oh man. first year of high school and you be thinking "i gotta do better now" and i fucking did. i recited a lot. i studied hard. i was president class - that's a first time. never been inside the school council. i get perfect scores in quizzes and long tests. it was awesome. i even get 42/50 at math now. holy shit. that's never happened before. basically. i peaked. best year of my academic career. i even join quiz bees and win :0 ikr?! that's so cool. i was talented and gifted for a while. and my teachers loved me. god i never experienced that kind of love before? i was competitive and consistent and well. anyways. 7th grade had to end and then next year i got into the Pilot Section. 8th grade? hope it's not that harder. it really wasn't but something changed and i had to adjust with the Smart Kids. some of the kids there have been in the pilot fucking section ever since elementary. tf am i doing here. welp. anyways. i still do what i do best. study. quizzes. recites. i can tell that my performance that year wasn't as great as 7th grade because i have lots of competition. in that class, u have to strive and socialize. god u know i can never beat that one student there she was always at the top and i love her for that!!! she's actually quite deemed as perfect which fits her well. im sure she also have struggles bc ive seen some of them but can't help but to be insecure by her. she's so awesome. and im always her SECOND but our averages are always so close to each other. 2 points difference and i could have been the top 1. whatever. as long as im cool alright. haha. 8th grade was sucky but okay. (i also had toxic relationship ☠️ why i had a relationship? don't ask me. i hate myself for it.)

9th grade to now, 10th grade is online class which i won't bother to tell. it SUCKS and we all know how's it been for all of us.

god. it's just. i have nowhere to fit in??? im not a sad gifted burnt out kid. those labels are for u know the ones who's been achieving stuffs since elementary. was never that kind of kid. not overachiever. am i average and normal? as far as my friends are concerned, NO. definitely not. but i know im fucking tired and school definitely sucks.

i just want to be great at things again. i miss that and i just can't do it with online classes. can't. can't. can't.

so hopefully senior year will be BETTER because if i do not achieve any by those 2 remaining years of high school i better just fucking die.

[pbandjesse]

My psoriasis is horrendous right now. I have all these spots Ive never had before. I am doing everything I can to not scratch myself to hell but it is hard. Im trying to just put lotion on every time I want to pick. But really it just seems to be getting worse. Im not super shocked because its winter and that's what always happens to me. But I am still really sad about it. I will have to contact my doctor and see if I can get a new prescription. I think there are pills that are coming out again and I want to ask about those again.

I had a good day. Working at night it always weird but I think I did a good job not wasting the entire day. I had a horrible time falling asleep last night. I was up until after 2. I was not having fun. But since I was working at 5 I wasn't super concerned about sleeping in.

And so I did that. I felt like James was stomping a lot and woke me up a little earlier than I expected. But it was fine. I laid in bed and played on my phone for a bit. And would get up eventually.

I was excited that James got us bagels from the place I like but we had no cream cheese. I was just going to have peanutbutter but James wanted to go get me some so they walked to the shopping center. I appreciated them a lot. I was excited to give James the bagel guillotine I got for them, and then I got to use it today so that was cool. We had one at the dining hall in college and I loved it then and I love it now. No more uneven bagels in this house.

I was productive in a very seasonal way. I started collecting the ingredients for the cookies I wanted to make. I have been craving the hard as hell spiced wafers we always got this time of a year in Philly. But they don't seem to be sold anywhere here? They didn't in Minnesota either. So I took it into my own hands and I could a dupe recipe for them!

After I had my bagel and styled my person, I got to work mixing. We were missing all spice and it called for coconut oil. But I replaced it with cardimin and olive oil and it smelled great. The dough tasted nice and they came out so good! I am very proud of them. I want to do a bunch of cookies fo Christmas. So this will be one of the flavors for sure.

Once I was done baking I worked in the studio for a while. Finished up the bears I had sewn. I did not get the faces done but that was okay. I was happy with what I got done and there is still time to finish them for this weekend.

I wanted to make more outfits that were chirstmasy. I pulled my "merry" t-shirt from storage and decided to do a closet mix up. I had to much stuff out that I was just not wearing. So I made a dozen outfits, pulled some pieces I really want to wear in the next couple weeks. Cozy things and layering pieces. And then everything else I would sort and put in storage.

I first sorted them by type. Tops, sweaters, bottoms, dresses. Then I pulled anything I thought were just for camp. A lot of my printed t-shirts. Shorts. The sweater I embroidered. I put all of that in one backpack.

Then I was going to do seasons but that was to hard because I wear a lot of things all year. And so it would be easier to find things I sorted by color and neutral. I used our duffle bags to keep things together. I was really proud. And now all those bags are in my trunk and its not so crazy.

I would spend some of the afternoon just resting in the office with James. I had some of the cheese cake they had made but sweetP had eaten the top and I think eating something covered in sweetP spit made my allergies worse. So I was a little tired. So I just hung out and watched videos and played animal crossing and it was good.

Around 430 I started getting ready to go to work. I left and then all of a sudden the car started freaking out. The one tire needed air. So I tried to use the compressor. I had to pull over and it was just stupid and I was upset because people weren't letting me get over. I finally did and then the compressor wouldn't work!! So I went home to get the other one and I was just so frustrated. James came down to help me fix it. Then they locked themselves out of the apartment so I gave them my keys. But we read the compressor wrong and so I still didn't have enough air. I don't think there was an issue beyond it being very warm the other day and very cold today. But I was still upset and worried about being late.

I texted Mike and let him know but it ended up being fine. I still had time to stop at Mcdonalds and get my stupid little sandwich. And then I was off.

And I had a great night. I was with the old guys, Del, Jack, and John. We had some great chats. And then our group was there. And they were a lot of fun. I like adult tours. I wish we were doing a 5 gallery tour because I felt a little rushed. But I did end up taking them to the pharmacy because I was super on time and kept running into Del. But my group was really nice and I had a great time doing the tour. They even clapped at the end. So cute.

I was able to leave and be home around 8. I tried to use the compressor again in the parking lot and I think I broke the connector and so I couldn't use it and was just so frustrated. I was glad to be going home. When I got back I parked and headed in and felt a lot calmer.

James gave me a gift! It was a ring I wanted, I will need to thin out the shank a little to be comfortable for my fingers. But its such a beautiful piece.

They had dnd and so I made more cookies (from the leftover dough I had in the fridge), and cleaned the fish tank. I had to scrub the plants and the decore but it seems a lot better. Though the water still seems to cold. I am going to pick up another heater for them.

I got a shower and now I am in bed. Me and James are going to talk about some wedding stuff and hopefully sleep will be easier tonight.

I have an outreach program tomorrow. I hope it goes better because its older kids. Wish me luck. Sleep good everyone!

[surveysonfleek]

1581.

Have you ever been to Las Vegas? yes, i have! its one of my favourite cities

What did you have for breakfast this morning? i had scrambled eggs and hash browns

Do you have any loose change in your pocket? no pockets and i hardly ever leave things in my pockets

Do you like Taylor Swift? i dont mind her, she has some catchy songs

What’s your favorite Disney Channel movie? camp rock haha

If you met your favorite celebrity, would you be calm or star struck? id try to stay calm, id probably be super nervous just being in their presence though

Are there any lights on in the room you’re in? nope, its day time

What’s your favorite subject in school? it was visual arts

What’s your favorite holiday? christmas, it always means ill have a week or two off work!

Do you ever have to do yard work? nope

Is your school close to your house? ive been out of school for a longggg time but it was a 5-10 min drive

Speaking of school, how did you get there today? -

Do you think Bad Romance is a catchy song, or an annoying one? its a good song! i dont love it but im not surprised at how massive it got

Do you use perfect grammar online? honestly, in my previous surveys i would but now i cant be bothered. i use perfect grammar day to day when working so i just sorta wna chill and not focus too much when i do these now

Are you currently using a laptop? yes

Do you have any live versions of songs in your music software? most likely, i used to love downloading them back in the limewire days

Did/do you listen to Britney Spears songs? i loooooved britney when she first blew up. and i still do! i dont listen to her stuff too heavily anymore but i still love it

Is it a windy day? nope

In the past week, have you ridden in a taxi? no

What shorthand do you use the most? if were talking about typing, i still text/chat people with ‘u’ instead of ‘you’

Do you ever wish on stars at night? no, ive never seen a shooting star

What color are your eyes? brown

What album is the current song you’re listening to off of? not listening to music, i have the tv on while doing this

What are you doing after you finish this? not sure, maybe another survey

In your opinion, what song is the most overplayed right now? i havent listened to the radio in forever

Are you in a band? no

How clean is your bedroom? pretty clean!

Is there a pen within reaching distance of you? no

Are you sitting at a desk? no, im in bed lol

Does your favorite band have a male or female lead singer? male

Do you normally shut your bedroom door before you go to sleep? of course ol

Have you seen the movie Moulin Rouge? i feel lik ei have once but i do not remember anything about it 

Would you ever dye your hair a different color? yes

Are there any framed pictures in the room you’re in? yes

Have you ever been to a Broadway show? not in broadway... ive seen the musicals lion king and aladdin in my city though

Do you watch So You Think You Can Dance? i did when it first came out

What’s your favorite movie soundtrack? none really stand out to me

Do you prefer group or individual work? individual, id rather just count on myself

Do you have a key to anything besides your house? car

Are you wearing anything with stripes? nope

What time did you go to sleep last night? i think 1am

Did anyone tell you you were beautiful today? no

What show did you last watch? american horror story

Do you think you’ll do anymore surveys today? maybe one more

What’s your favorite ice cream flavor? run and raisin

When was the last time you stayed home from school sick? years ago when i actually attended school lol

Could you ever complete a 500-piece puzzle? i probably could, i just wouldnt have the patience

If you could run a red light and not get caught, would you? nah. id rather not risk mine or others’ lives

Do you like to listen to music as you do your homework? i dont have homework

Did you think Adam Lambert’s AMA performance was really that controversial? i dont recall, this survey is probably really old

Do any bands flat-out annoy you? nah, i just dont listen to them

Do you have a mirror in your bedroom? yes

Was today a birthday for any of your friends? yes actually! ill need to greet him

When was the last time you rode in a limo? never been in one :(

Do you take naps daily? no. i wish!

Do you still make Christmas lists? yes haha

Do you watch the show Dexter? i did. apparently theyre rebooting it which is exciting! the ending was pretty trash

What’s the background on your phone? its a dark cityscape of nyc

When were/will you be a a sophomore in high school? -

Are you scared of any animals? cockroaches. also i live in australia so while im not afraid of snakes and spiders, im pretty mindful of them

Have you ever been to any sort of convention? yup! ive been to sexpo and a wedding expo lol

Which song did you last listen to on repeat? probably a kehlani song

Where do you want to live when you grow up? around here still

Are you currently using a blanket? yep

Are there any songs that make you cry? not really

How many siblings do you have? one

What are you doing this weekend? its saturday today. im doing nothing. tomorrow im going on a picnic with friends

Do you prefer swimming at the beach or in a pool? pool, its so much more comfortable than a beach lol

When was the last time you had a haircut? hmm... maybe june?

Which musical instrument do you think sounds the prettiest? a harp!

Are you in band or chorus at your school? no

Do you know what you want for Christmas? nope. i dont ‘need’ anything.

Do you watch fireworks on New Year’s Eve? most of the time!

Is your birthday within the next three months? no

How long is the song you’re listening to? not listening to music

Are you anticipating anything this week? yeah, kinda waiting to see if were going ahead with buying some land

Is your mom or dad the older parent? my dad

Have you taken the SATs yet? -

Do you watch anything on E? i dont have e

Are you going to get off the computer now that you’ve finished this? nah maybe one more survey lol

[haltandcatchfiretothemax]

FEMSLASH FEBRUARY 2021 #5: In which Donna’s wish is Cameron’s command

[CN: food, eating mentions, and descriptions of food displays]

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.

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After Donna asked her if she might consider putting up Valentine’s Day decorations for February of 2021, Cameron went directly into research mode. She didn’t plan to admit it to Donna, but Cameron felt like a holiday decor project was exactly what she needed. From the comfort of the living room couch, Cameron began her hunt for useful information on her laptop.

She became frustrated much more quickly than she thought she would. Eyebrows scrunching behind the frames of her reading glasses, Cameron griped, “Okay so the first problem here, is that the origin of Valentine’s Day isn’t anywhere near as compelling as the origin of Halloween, or ghost stories. I mean, a Christian martyr? Really?” Wrinkling her nose skeptically, she scrolled further down the webpage she was on, and said, “Not only am I not moved by his story or his proselytizing, but none of this has anything to do with love or couples or even fertility or family!” Clicking back to the search engine page, she said, “The second problem is that doing research used to be satisfying, but now it sucks. And it’s all because of the internet. We ruined everything with the internet and search, Donna.”

Donna, sitting several feet away on their recliner, looked up from her crossword puzzle. “So, no decorations then?” 

Cameron sighed. “I didn’t say that. I just think that I’m gonna have to take a different approach. The literal origins of the holiday are not the angle for this particular project.” Quietly, she switched over to researching the origins of the commercial version of the holiday. “Maybe,” she said to herself, “a more aesthetic-based approach?” She looked up at Donna, and said, “Do you mind if I turn on the tv and stream something? I was thinking about putting on the more recent Picnic at Hanging Rock.”

“Oh, that’s perfect! That literally starts on Valentine’s Day!” Donna enthused. “We should sit down and rewatch it sometime in the next couple weeks!” Then, calming herself down, she added, “But sure, go ahead. Whatever your research requires,” Donna smiled at her. 

Cameron picked up the remote, turned on the television, searched for the show, found it, and started the first episode. She went back to looking at her computer, and searched for basic decor ideas. After a few minutes, she said, “The third problem is that traditional Valentine’s decorations are just, like, red. Like really, extremely red.”

“What’s wrong with red?” Donna pouted.

“Nothing, but I just don’t feel like it really goes with the whole ‘I throw stones and I live in glass houses because I’m a modern woman who has it all!’ thing you have going on in here?”

“Hey, it’s your house, too!” Donna chuckled. “You have a point, though.”

Defiantly, Cameron said, “That’s okay. I will figure something out. My wife asked me to decorate for Valentine’s Day, and I don’t plan to let her down.”

Cameron spent the next morning sorting through their collection of fall and winter holiday decorations, and pulled out items to be repurposed, and wound up looking through their other supplies for inspiration. In the afternoon, she was back on the computer, searching this time for items to buy. Sitting at the kitchen island, Cameron sighed heavily. “I wish…” she started. She sighed again, and said, “I really wish that we could just go to a craft store and wander through it for hours.”

Donna, who has sitting across from her, and scrolling through one of her social media feeds, looked up, and snorted, “What, so you could complain about how everything looks ugly and cheap under the fluorescent lights, only to then buy a ton of it, take it home, and then somehow make it look beautiful and amazing?”

“Yes,” Cameron replied. “Exactly.” It took over an hour, and much agonizing, but eventually, she made her selections, entered her billing information, and closed her browser. She managed to stay offline for the rest of the day.

Early the next morning, Cameron asked Donna, “A great big outdoor garden store, that should be like…relatively safe to go to, right? As long as we wear our masks and gloves? And we go early?” Donna didn’t have to be asked twice. They got dressed, and arrived at their favorite garden store a few minutes after it opened. Cameron hurriedly bought a large quantity of potted violets and a bunch of metal flower pots before hustling Donna back to the safety of their car. 

Over the next few days Cameron began to work on crafting, baking, and candymaking, as deliveries of her ordered craft supplies started to trickle in. (She compulsively wiped every new item down with disinfectant out of an abundance of anxiety and caution.) By the next weekend, she had everything she thought she needed. On the first Saturday of the month, a week before Valentine’s Day, she gathered everything that she’d amassed so far in the dining room. 

She set the last of several boxes down on the table, and Donna, who was drinking a second cup of coffee, looked up just in time to see Cameron tying her bandana around her head like a headband. The bandana, which had accompanied Cameron all the way from Tokyo, was white, and it had the red circle of the Japanese flag, or the Hinomaru, on it. On both sides of the red circle there was lettering, Japanese kanji. The first time Donna saw Cameron put the bandana on, just before they deep cleaned Donna’s house together for the first time, she had asked Cameron what the kanji said. Gravely, through gritted teeth, Cameron had replied, “Kamikaze.” Donna had laughed, and then realized that she was being serious. 

Putting down her mug, Donna exclaimed, “Daniel-san!” 

Cameron took a deep breath, and said, “I’m trying to center myself and focus, Donna. Please.”

“I’m flattered by all the work you’ve already put into honoring my request,” Donna said. “But I think I’m gonna go upstairs so you can decorate in peace. I’d like to be surprised when I see the final result!” She stood up, taking her mug and phone with her, and headed toward the den, stopping to kiss Cameron on the cheek on her way. 

When Donna returned to the kitchen several hours later to make lunch, the dining room table was covered in silk flowers, jars, doilies, and print outs and paper lace and all sorts of colorful paraphernalia. “How’s it going?” she called out.

“Slowly,” Cameron answered, “but it’s going. And it’s not like I’ve got anywhere to be, so!”

She took a quick break to eat a sandwich with Donna, and then went back to the dining room, and Donna went up to the bedroom, where she checked in with Joanie and Haley and their families, sent text messages to Tonya, Risa, and Katie Herman, and then started reading about current tech and social media platform news. She was clicking out of an article on Section 230 reform when Cameron knocked on the door frame. 

Looking up from their bed, Donna asked, “Is it done? Can I see?” She jumped up from the bed and ran toward the door.

“I need you to adjust your expectations,” Cameron said, walking her down their hallway. Cameron stopped by the door to the den and switched on the light. Donna peered in, not seeing any difference at first, and then she noticed the faux ivy that Cameron had carefully attached to their bookcases. She stepped into the room, and then noticed the doilies on every surface, and the mason jars of high-quality pink and white silk peonies, which were surrounded by cards from a Victorian-themed tarot deck, which Cameron had stuck down to the doilies under them, to make them look as if they’d casually been left on the table. There were two sets of gloves by one jar, an aged-looking leather diary by another one, and a small framed print of a hand-drawn portrait of two Gibson girls by another. 

“It’s subtle, or subtle-ish,” Donna smiled back at Cameron, “but it’s really nice. It’s very Picnic at Hanging Rock, but with maybe a better adjusted headmistress, right? I love it.” 

They went down the hall and down the four steps to the ‘first’ floor, and then into the kitchen, where Donna’s eye was drawn to the centerpiece Cameron had arranged on the island. She’d repotted the violets into three of the metal pots, and had made and cut out a silhouette of two young women in full-length Victorian dresses, hand in hand, attached them to skewers, and stuck them into the flower pots. It looked almost as if the girls were walking through a field of purple-blue flowers.

Donna went to smell the flowers, only to be distracted by the display on the dining room table. Eyes wide, she instead walked toward the table. She turned to look back at Cameron and said, “Did you make all of this?”

“No, some if it I definitely ordered off the internet,” Cameron admitted. She’d set up an elegant silver multi-tiered pastry stand and loaded it with paper cups full of homemade white and milk chocolate truffles and squares of peppermint bark that had red and pink swirled into them, squares of milk, dark, and peanut butter fudge, bite sized anatomical hearts molded from red-tinged milk chocolate, and red cinnamon candies, cherry sours, and raspberry flavored hard candies. Next to the pastry stand was Donna’s trusty cake server, which was piled with red velvet crinkle cookies. Both were set up on top of large doilies, underneath their accompanying glass covers, and both were surrounded with red silk flower petals and an eye-catching design of heart and diamond and playing cards, all of which Cameron had somehow sewn down so that it would lay flat, but somehow still look slightly rumpled. 

“Remember a few years ago when we did Penny Dreadful Halloween for the trick-or-treaters? During our Vanessa Ives phase? A lot of that stuff came in handy for this,” Cameron helpfully explained.

“Did I miss anything?” Donna looked around. She turned toward the living room, couch, and then noticed a large heart-shaped box placed in the center of the coffee table, with Donna’s pair of good candlesticks and brand new red candles set up on both sides of it, yet another doily underneath it all The box was anchored by a large, white, ceramic anatomical heart, and surrounded by shells, smaller porcelain rabbits and birds, and dried flower petals. 

“It’s not much, but, it was fun to try?” Cameron shrugged.

“Oh, shush!” Donna threw her arms around Cameron’s neck, kissed her, and said, “It’s beautiful, and I love it. Thank you for trying to make things feel festive even though almost everything in the world totally sucks.” She kissed her again, and said, “Wanna go celebrate by making out?”

“Yes,” Cameron said, “but, I haven’t eaten in hours, can we have dinner first?” 

“Yes, absolutely! Whatever my doting wife wants!” Donna agreed. 

[jus-tea]

Going to explain a little about the Miss Rhona lyrics, what inspired different aspects etc, as I’ve seen a lot of people speculating over it, and coming up with their own ideas (which I fully support!) but for those who are curious...

1st Stanza

“Daddy’s at the food store” So, when this was written, myself, my partner, and seemingly everyone was spending so much time going from supermarket to supermarket trying to find the basics, the essentials. Pasta, flour, sugar etc were sold out seemingly everywhere. The weekend just before this was written he’d lined up for half an hour before Costco opened to ensure he acquired some toilet paper- which seemed impossible to get ANYWHERE. I had colleagues who sent their adult children to shops everyday (they couldn’t cause they were at work) to try to find toilet paper somewhere. We ran out at work, and ended up with tissues. People, generally, were spending so much more time trying to find essentials at supermarkets. It’s not nearly as bad now, but just over a month ago when I wrote this it felt like a big issue. Also, “food store”?! NO ONE HAS CALLED ME OUT ON THIS which I find so weird because no one actually says, “food store”?! What a weird expression! So why did I use it? Well! Initially I thought “cost-co” but didn’t use it because I wanted the rhyme to appeal more universally. And we only got a Costco in my city a few years ago and I know plenty of places in the world don’t have one so... I thought maybe supermarket? But thought maybe they didn’t call them that in other countries- market? Market sounded so strange as it’s really only fresh fruit and veggies we get in our local markets here (in my part of the world) and didnt fit with the image I was trying to create and besides all our markets were cancelled as they were too crowded.. so “food store” was initially just a place-hold. I still can’t believe literally no one has said “hey wtf is up with “food store? No one says that” but there you go. It’s in literally every version ive seen as that so... that’s what it is now. So, that line about the food store and collated with the next line, “mummy’s our of town- she’s working at the hospital” was based on news articles I’d read about doctors having to isolate themselves from their families by sleeping either at hospital or in their garage. People who couldn’t see their kids for ages, it was really sad! And then combining these lines, it’s about how these little kids for the first time really are sometimes being left home alone because their parents have stuff they *have* to do; get food or work, and lots of kids these days don’t get left home alone anymore, it was common when I was little but not for a long time! But seemingly suddenly with this pandemic it’s happening again. And I hadn’t seen that talked about but I was seeing glimpses of it and it, felt weird? I guess? So that made for the perfect beginning to a covid19 nursery rhyme- a kid getting left home alone a lot and not being really sure how to respond to that.

So, with the hide away lines, there’s 3 stanzas and in each miss Rhona gets closer. The first one is she’s “come to town”. Now I remember that feeling on that day learning that the first coronavirus case had occurred in my city. Up until then there was a bit of a sense of dread, like you knew it was everywhere else, then in the news it got closer and closer, with cases in small country towns nearby. But when it got to my city it was suddenly so real. And that’s where the story starts because Miss Rhona was HERE. She arrived in the kid’s town. The line, “she’s come to take us down” is another way of saying “she’s going to get you” and also links to the final line which reveals her success “she took us down/she’s brought us down”.

2nd stanza

So, she goes from being in town to being “at the doorstep” which represents getting closer- being in those people the child might interact with everyday- and imagined more literally in the postal worker delivering a package (actually ON the doorstep) or food delivery or anyone who they’d still have close contact with. But “I’ll keep 6 feet away” is a self reassurance that if they just do the right thing and keep their distance everything will be ok. But then the conflict! Grandma needs toilet paper, EVERYONE needs toilet paper and no one can get it anywhere! No doubt the dad is our trying to find some more while he’s at the “food store”. And I was thinking... my children’s grandmother lives in a different state to us but if we were in the same one you can bet your life id be out dropping essentials at her doorstep whenever I could- tp included. (Although, tbh the tp issue didn’t seem as bad in her state from what she told me) so in this bit I guess I imagined myself as the child because that would be something important to me, to make sure my elders had their essentials. Idk I tried to help where I could, got baby wipes when I found it for a friend with a newborn, stuff like that. So the conflict is the child’s sense of responsibility ensuring their grandmother has what she needs, while also knowing that the coronavirus, Miss Rhona, could reside in anyone they meet along the way. Kind of like a little red riding hood situation linking the dangers of strangers. So they open the door due to this sense of responsibility and, oh no, Miss Rhona was at the doorstep, remember? Now the child has it too; “Miss Rhona’s come to stay” IN THE CHILD. This line was to use the imagery of Miss Rhona coming to stay with the child at their house, like an aunt might come to visit for the weekend, but symbolises the virus coming to live within the child, they’ve caught it now, which is why they definitely, “can’t come out to play”.

Stanza 3

“But grandma needs the paper” that’s where the conflict arises again- the child’s sense of responsibility, maybe guilt even? Overshadowing their understanding of just how serious the virus would be should their grandmother catch it. They’re just a kid remember? They don’t understand. So they take her some anyway, everyone needs toilet paper! Also, I know that phrasing it as such misleads the listener to think about a newspaper. Thats how we talk, “I’ll get the paper!” My dad says ... often. But, 2 things, it rolls off the tongue easier than “grandma needs toilet paper” which would’ve messed up the rhythm anyway, and also, for anyone who’s lived it you would automatically know about the “great toilet paper shortage of 2020” 😅 there were so many memes about it and it was funny that everyone was obsessed with it but if you were one of those people who genuinely really couldn’t find any- and there were lots!- then it kind of sucked. And that’s a memory that’ll stick with you 🙈

So. The note. “And here’s a note from Rhona she wanted me to say” imagine the child at the grandmas doorstep, she’s bringing her tp (that’s nice) but the child is infected, and hands grandma a note. I imagined like a little filed up piece of paper in their back pocket they take out and hand over, to pass on the message from their aunt living in their house. As kids would do- what teacher hasn’t given their student a note and said “go tell mr x such and such” and the note is a reminder of what to say. But the note they hand over is also a metaphor. It symbolises contact between the grandmother and grandchild, and as grandma took it, she caught the virus too. And the note reads,

“Hide away, hide away, keep 6 feet away”

Which is that line repeated all the way through the rhyme. In the end, it’s what Miss Rhona was saying all along. Hide away children...

And the final line is a throwback to near the beginning, “she took us down” because earlier remember she came to “take us down” but now it’s happened and we’re in past tense. She did it. She took down the grandma, and possibly the child too, although I left that as ambiguous. To be taken down here is the symbol for death, of course. It’s pretty grim. But that was the point i suppose.

And that’s where it ends. Anything after that, while I’ve seen some adaptations made which sound really cool, doesn’t really make sense with the story, because they died in that moment. And continuing on after that seems a bit overkill, because I gues, perhaps symbolically at least, who would be able to continue singing the rhyme once they had already died?

But having said that, it’s still nice to see people get exited about it and want to contribute more lyrics too. Making up stories, songs, games, art in general, it’s a way we’ve found to cope i think? Like dark and morbid stories are a part of our culture because we respond to them. Lessons, feelings, etc. people far more articulate than I have explained before...

So. That’s Miss Rhona. This explanation was written really roughly and I apologise for that, but you get the gist. I strongly recommend for anyone who hasn’t already to check out the #miss Rhona recordings hashtag on my blog, because some of these melodies people have put to it are really beyond words. Dreamy, haunting. Peaceful. Childlike. Much more than the original chant-like skipping rhyme I originally envisaged.

Thanks for reading this far... please be safe and look after your grandmothers ❤️

[calumance]

LA Devotee - Part XVIII

Warnings: some angst, some cussing, some fluff

Word Count: 3.3k

Summary: Emily gets some insanely good news, but good news always comes with a catch.

A/N: I don’t have much to say this time around, I just wanted to thank everyone who continues to read this story. It makes my heart happy and I love you all so, so much. ❤️ Feedback and requests are always welcomed (Want to be notified when I post new stuff? Let me know!)

Part I | Part II | Part III | Part IV | Part V | Part VI | Part VII | Part VIII | Part IX | Part X | Part XI | Part XII | Part XIII | Part XIV | Part XV | Part XVI | Part XVII 

Masterlist

        Another week had passed, and I was growing more and more excited that Calum was coming home soon. Although I was excited, the stress of trying to figure out a time to see him had been weighing me down. I started my day just like I start every day, a shower and some coffee. As I was about to leave the house, I check my phone and find a text message from Calum waiting for me. “Good morning, darling. I hope you have a fantastic day. Xx Cal” The smile widens on my face and I slide my phone into my bag and head out to the car.

        As I walked into the office, I had every plan of seeing what the next few weeks look like to see if there was a time I could go visit Calum. Even though he was going to be home in just a few weeks, I was going absolutely crazy and all I wanted to do is wrap my arms around him. I pulled my phone out of my bag and set it on my desk before putting my bag in the bottom drawer and closing it with my foot. As I sat down, I smiled at Mikayla who immediately started gushing about all of the wedding dress ideas she had. “You’ll have to show me at lunch.” She nodded, a large smile stretched across her face.

        Just as I was getting into my work, my boss took a step out of her office and looked around. “Miss Williams, can we have a chat in my office?” Mikayla looked over the top of her computer at me and raised her eyebrows. I returned the look and nodded at my boss, and stood up. My feet carried me towards her office as I shifted my blazer. I passed through the doorway, and she instructed me to close the door. Mikayla and I met eyes again as I shut the door with a soft click. “Please, have a seat.” She pulled on her sweater and smiled. I sat in the chair directly in front of her desk and sat on my hands, feeling insanely nervous about what she was about to say to me. “Emily,” My heart raced. “I wanted to tell you that I really enjoy having you in this office. I think that you have really blossomed since you came here.” I licked my lips and smiled, nodding at her compliment. “There is a senior editor position open, and I would like to offer you the position.”

        My eyes widened, and my jaw dropped. I was absolutely flattered, but there were plenty of people in this office who had more experience and more education than I had. “Wow, thank you. I would love to take the position, but aren’t there other people here in this office that deserve it before me?” My leg bounced and I let out a nervous chuckle.

        “Nope,” She said sternly, a smirk pulling at the right side of her lips. “I want you in that position. So, take it or leave it.”

        My eyebrows raised and I blinked a few times, still unsure that I deserved the position. My leg continued to bounce as I chewed on my bottom lip and then nodded, “Yeah, I’ll take it.”

        “Wonderful, you’ll start on Monday.” She stood and held out her hand. I followed suit and put my hand in hers, giving it a gentle shake. She sat back down in her chair and looked at her computer, I took that as my cue to exit her office.

        Mikayla looked at me as the door opened. My lips curled into my mouth as I hastily walked back to my desk, stopping at Mikayla’s first. She rounded her lips and looked into my eyes waiting for me to tell her what just happened. “I just got promoted, she gave me the senior editor position.” Mikayla started to squeal but I stopped her. “Wait until lunch and then we can both scream.” Mikayla nodded and cleared her throat. We both composed ourselves and continued our work.

        At lunch, we hastily made our way to the parking garage and hopped into her car, closing the doors before we both let out long, loud squeals. “Holy shit, I can’t believe you got promoted! I’m getting married, and you got promoted. Is everything in the world finally falling into place?” She sat back and pulled her phone out and started scrolling. “Here, there’s five tell me what you think.”

        I took her phone from her fingers and started looking at the pictures. “I hope so. It’s about time I stopped getting shit on. Oh, I like this one!” I turned the phone towards her to show her the one I stopped on.

        “That’s my favorite too!” She took her phone back and smiled at it. “We should go out and celebrate this weekend. When are you going to tell Calum?” Her eyes locked back onto my face and I raised my eyebrows.

        “I wanted us to have our moment before I called him. I’m afraid with a new position I’m going to lose all my vacation time and I won’t be able to go visit him.” I ran my hand over my forehead and shrugged. “Should I call him now?” Mikayla nodded and grabbed my phone from my bag and tapped on Calum’s name.

        Mikayla and I looked at each other as the phone rang, but finally he answered. “Hey, sunshine, didn’t think I’d hear from you this early. How’s your day going?”

        Mikayla silently clapped her hands together. “It’s going great actually, I was promoted to senior editor. I start the new position on Monday.” I raised my eyebrows and waited for him to respond.

        “Oh, Emily, that’s amazing! Congratulations! Maybe we can celebrate tonight after the show? I’ll call you around eight your time. I have to get going to an interview, but I can’t wait to celebrate with you tonight.” I could hear the smile in his voice and something in my stomach burned with desire. Desire that made me want to leave work now and go home.

         The day moved slowly after my phone call with Calum, but finally I was on my way home. As I cooked myself dinner, I danced to some music and made sure Duke was just as happy as I was.  As I sat down for dinner, I set his food bowl next to me so he could eat with to me. As he dived into his food, I scratched the top of his head, his tail wagging in response.

         After dinner, Duke and I curled on the couch and cuddled until I looked at the time and grabbed my phone, running to the bedroom, closing the door to block Duke from coming in. I set my phone on the bed and changed out of my clothes and into just one of Calum’s t-shirts, hanging low enough that my body was covered. Finally, the Face Time call came through. My finger slid across the screen and I saw Calum sitting in his hotel room, a glass of champagne in his hands. He was wearing a pair of shorts, but no shirt. “You’re wearing my shirt.” He said while smiling.

         I looked down at myself and smiled. “Yeah, not wearing much else though.” I bit my bottom lip as his cheeks flushed.

        “I wanted to make a toast to your promotion.” He smiled, holding up his champagne glass. His eyes sparkling in the low light in his hotel room.

         My stomach fluttered, “I don’t have a drink. Hold on.” He nodded, and I pulled his shirt down and ran toward the kitchen. I slid on the hardwood as I reached the fridge and grabbed the first drink I could find. My hand wrapped around the neck of the bottle and twisted off the cap as I ran back to the bedroom. I plopped back down in front of my phone and held up my drink. “Okay, sorry.” I exhaled, trying to hide how out of breath I was from running twenty feet.

         Calum smiled and held his glass up. “Here’s to you, my love. I am so, so proud of you. You are one hell of a woman.” He reached his glass towards the camera, and I mirrored his actions. He took a drink from his champagne and I took a drink from my beer. He set his glass down and raised his eyebrows. “So, back to what you’re wearing, or not wearing.” A smile stretched across my face as I set my drink down and winked at him.

         We finished celebrating and Calum gulped and closed his eyes, trying to catch his breath. I rolled onto my side and placed my hands under my head. “Calum?” He raised his eyebrows and hummed. “I’m afraid that my promotion is going to affect if I can come visit you or not.”

         He adjusted where he was laying and looked into the camera. “I know, I had a feeling. It’s okay, I’ll be home in just a couple weeks. I can’t wait to see you, sunshine, I miss you so damn much.”

         My eyes fluttered shut as sleep started to take over, “I miss you too.” Before I could hear what or even if Calum responded, I was fast asleep.

         Monday came around quicker than I expected it too. I curled my hair and dressed myself in a white and navy striped pencil skirt, a white blouse, a navy blazer and brown high heels. As I walked into the office, my boss greeted me at the door. She lead me to an office and opened the door, “This is your new office. Feel free to take some time and move all of the stuff from your desk to in here. I’ll be back in a couple of hours to walk you through a normal day as a senior editor.” She smiled and lowered her head before exiting the room. I stood in the center of the room and let out a excited squeal.

         It took me only a little bit to clear my desk and organize everything in my new office. Once everything was set up, I recorded a video I would send to Calum to show him my new space. Soon, my boss came back into the office and started walking me through what the job entails. I followed her around the office like a lost puppy until she let me go into my office and set me off to get to work.

         The new position kept me busy enough that I didn’t have much time to think about how much I missed Calum. The only time I really thought about how much I wanted him home was when we Face Timed before we both went to bed. Even though we talked every night, we were both insanely busy, resulting in one or both of us falling asleep before we could get a chance to really spend time with each other. We both were counting the days until we could lay in each other’s arms again. We finally made to five days, today was Thursday and he lands on Monday evening. The plan is for him to be home by the time I get off work. I smiled to myself as I thought about running into his arms and pressing a harsh kiss to his lips.

         My thoughts were interrupted by my boss knocking on my door and sticking her head inside the door. “Do you have a moment to chat with me in my office?” I stopped what I was doing and nodded. She dipped out of the door and I followed her, smoothing down my pants. I sat in the chair across from her desk and crossed my hands in my lap. “So, there is a conference in New York next week that all of the magazines in the nation are sending editors to. You’ve heard about the conference, right?” I nodded, it had been the talk of the office for the past month. Everyone kept mumbling about who they thought was going to get sent. Suddenly my heart started to race. “Myself and my bosses have decided to send you to the conference. Your flight leaves on Monday morning.”

         My heart shattered. The noise must’ve been loud enough for everyone in the office to hear because I suddenly felt everyone’s eyes glued to me. I swallowed the lump in my throat and tried to think of the words. “This is such an incredible honor, but Cal – my boyfriend – comes home next week and he’s only home for a week.”

         She nodded and leaned forward, placing her elbows on her desk. “Emily, you don’t have to go, however, I think this will be a great way for you to expand your career. Going to this conference will help you get into positions higher than mine. I understand that your boyfriend travels for work, but I think you should go to this conference.” She removed her glasses from her face and looked at me without saying a word.

         I looked down at my fingers and my leg bounced. “Can I give you an answer by the end of the day?” She nodded once and I stood up and walked out of her office and back to mine, shutting the door behind me. I paced back and forth, spinning my phone in my hands. Somehow, I mustered up the courage to Face Time him. He answered, sitting on a couch with Luke sitting incredibly close to him. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to call you while you were in the middle of something.”

         He shook his head and moved his phone out to show that there was an entire couch open for Luke to sit on, but Luke continues to sit on top of Calum. Luke waves at the phone and smiles. I wave back and Calum pulls his phone back closer to his face. “What’s going on, gorgeous?”

         I took a breath, holding it in as I sat in the chair in front of my desk. My chest lowered as I slowly let out the breath. “Work wants to send me to a conference in New York that all magazines in the nation send their editors to. It’s a really great opportunity for my career and it’s probably the most honorable thing that I could be invited to.” Calum’s face lit up, but before he could get too excited, I continued. “The conference is next week. I’d leave on Monday morning.” I ran my knuckles under my chin as I watched for his reaction.

         His smile dropped, and he pulled away from Luke and walked into a more private area. He ran his hand down his cheek as he continued to think about his words. “If it’s good for your career you should go.” His voice was low and even though he was telling me to go, something in my chest started to ache.

         “Calum, we haven’t seen each other in two months. If I go to this conference then we might not see each other for another month or two.” The tears welled up in my eyes. My heart feeling so conflicted.

         He let out a sigh and ran his hand along his forehead. “This wouldn’t be that big of an issue if you had made more of an effort to come and see me, Emily.” He dropped his hand and looked away from his phone.

         My eyebrows furrowed. “I’m sorry, how is this my fault? Every time I tried to ask you when would be the best time to come visit, you blew me off. We never once spent a second talking about when I could come see you.” My heart broke even more, and the tears started escaping.

         “Are you kidding me? You never tried to ask when I could get you a plane ticket. Emily, you had eight weekends that you could’ve flown out to see me, but you decided not to.” He looked back at the camera, his eyes suddenly becoming blood shot.

         “Maybe because I don’t think three days is enough, Calum.” I wiped a tear off my cheek so he didn’t see that I was crying.

          His jaw flexed and he shook his head. “Go to the conference. I guess we’ll find time to enjoy our relationship in a few months. Have a good rest of your day, Emily.” The call ended and it took everything in me to not throw my phone across my office and out the window.

         My phone clunked as it landed on my desk and I pushed myself from the chair. The door opened fast enough to blow my hair off my shoulders. I stomped towards my bosses office, wiping the tears off my face. She looked at me over the top of her glasses as I took my last steps into her office. “Yes, I’ll go. Can’t wait to find out more.” She nodded with a smile, then returned to her work. I turned on my toes and made eye contact with Mikayla. I motioned for her to follow me and she did. She closed the door behind her and I wrapped my arms around her crying into her shoulder.

          She sat in front of my desk, my head in my hands, my elbows resting on the desk. She took a breath, “Emily, I think this conference is going to be great for your career. I don’t think Calum is upset that you’re going, I think he’s upset that you guys literally had a month of being in a relationship before he left, and now you’re leaving. It hasn’t been a long relationship, but two-thirds of your relationship has been spent apart.” I finally lifted my head and looked at Mikayla, tears still sitting on the brim of my eyes. “I think he’s just worried that it’s going to end up being that ninety percent of your relationship is spent apart. In short, he misses the fuck out of you, and it’s driving him insane.”

         Of course all of her words meant well, but my brain is destructive. “Maybe we weren’t meant to be together. We both have careers that we care very much for. Maybe our paths were only meant to cross for only a moment. Maybe our lives are just moving differently.”

         For a moment I thought that Mikayla was standing so she could slap me. Instead she leans her hands on my desk and stares into my eyes. “You’re fucking stupid if that’s what you think, I’m sorry. So, it’s rough right now, that does not mean it’s over. Emily, you are so self-destructive, let yourself be happy for once.” She shakes her head and walks out of my office, shutting my door behind her.

         Sunday came insanely fast, and the only times Calum and I ever talked were to say good morning and goodnight. The pet names had stopped, and everything was short. I spent all day Sunday running errands and cleaning the house, making sure the house was perfect for his arrival. As the night neared an end, I finished packing everything, placing my suitcases by the front door. Duke padded his way up to me and I sat on the ground in front of him, grabbing his face and gently rubbing my face against his. “I hope you keep your pops good company, just like you kept me good company. Love him extra hard for me, okay?” He licked my face in response. As he trotted away, I stood from the ground and shut off the lights, making my way to the bedroom.

************

Tag list: @notinthesameguey​ @viiirg0​ @thinkofmehlgh​ @another-lonely-heart​ @limer-encia​ @itsmytimetoodream​ @babyoria​ @treatallwithkindness​

[oldsaltychipp]

I don't write much about me personally and my thoughts but I need an outlet so keep scrolling if you'd want. I'm just getting this all out here as I don't really have any other outlet. Bottom line is 2020 has been shit since day 1. Here's the last 20 months

Late summer 2018 a position I've been striving for opened up with my company, 1 catch I had to pick up and move away from everything I've known the last 45 years. I talked to my boys, my ex and family and they all supported this decision. Bottom line though was I needed a fresh start as I just felt like life had become groundhog day. So with that support I picked up my life and moved 900km away, oh and am 8 hour ferry ride in there as well. Thanksgiving day 2018 I got off the ferry at 7am to sunshine and great views as I traveled the rest of the way to my new life.

I had been seeing someone before I left and it was known we would be ending it. They actually did some work in my new city and came to visit for a week the week after i arrived. It was my birthday weekend and she left that Sunday morning. I wanted to meet people so I decided to go the dating route to help thinking it will be a while before i met someone i was truly interested in. I was wrong. I swiped on someone thinking they were out of my league, so beautiful and seemingly similar interests.

I was shocked she swiped right on me that same day. From our first conversation there was an automatic chemistry. We met that Friday night for appies and first quick kiss. We met twice more over the wkend. That Tuesday she had to go away for work and a planned vacation. We actually missed each other like crazy already. I had to go home to get more stuff and it went by where she was on vacation so she ended her vacation early to travel back with me. Chemistry was off the charts in every way.

She had ghosts from her past, her ex had committed suicide a few months after they got married. They were only together a total of 18 months. He gave her the life she was looking for. Her and her teenage son had found him. I can't imagine the trauma for them both. We met 2.5 years later and it was a constant in our relationship the love she had for him. I can't fault her for that. I loved her unconditionally. I had never loved like that before. She still lived in their house in the town she's lived most of her life. The ghosts were constant. Around Christmas she got a job offer in her field 700km across the island. We were only 2-3 months in. I was in no position to ask her to stay, i supported her. By March she was moved, she wanted to split but we agreed to try to make it work long distance. We truly loved each other and our times together was great. Only struggle was I'm a bit more introverted and she wasn't. Crowds and parties at times were a struggle for me and i didn't always handle them well.

As summer went on I traveled the island often to camp and hang out. My kids came for the summer, that added a bit of stress but managed it. So many times we shared how great and perfect we were for each other but the distance was the obstacle.. I had just made a major life move and wasn't in a position to rush into another one to be closer. She had bought a house there so this was a more permanent move for her as well. If she had known how strong our feelings would be i think she would've slowed the move down but I can't fault her for the excitement of a new place. I just did the same thing. I offered to move in a specific timeline but needed the commitment to move in rather than move and live in a more expensive place for me. 10 years with this company, it was too much risk as I'm trying yo get ahead in life and not always chasing mistakes.

Fast forward to fall, another gathering that I removed myself from to avoid conflict and it just caused more. It was my birthday and my present was a wkend getaway. We ended up canceling it. Then she began ending us. I didn't see her again until after xmas for a couple hours. We still talked often but we missed each other, she was eating her feelings. Menopause was in full effect, her father whom they had put in a home due to alzheimers was also a huge stress on her. We tried being friends, I went to help in that area during snowmageddon. I stayed the week with her and it was an amazing week for the most part. We got drunk one night and all the emotions came out, she confessed how much she loved me. I would do anything for her. I was supposed to come back for another week 2 week's later. On my drive home she said it was over and don't come back. It crushed me that i was trying to give her space to deal with it all but reminding her how I felt, always trying to support and encourage everything going on on her life. I held out hope she would miss me so much I'd be worth fighting for. It's never come, and now we don't talk. I'm crushed.

Ive tried to move on, date a bit but my heart just can't. My dating has been focused on activity like hiking and hanging out. Not about sex and such. I miss my best friend, the person i connected with better than anyone in my life. I'm trying to make friends here but it's a struggle for someone that doesn't really have great social skills. I engage people daily for work but for some reason people don't want to bring me in as a friend. Covid hasn't helped any of this and there's days the loneliness is crushing and i just want to hide when i can. I'm forcing myself to get out for hikes with a group but timing has meant it's been solo trips.

It took me all my life to find the connection i had with her I won't settle for anything less. Dating is a bitch right now. I love where i live but it's just lonely. I really don't know what the best move is for me at this point.

Thanks for letting me put my jumbled thoughts. There's so much i didn't write but i can't erase the thoughts, memories and feelings. They're too strong. I'll find my way but why can't life just throw me a bone and let me live a happiness i had found. Fuck i miss her, i shouldn't still feel that way but the energy of every day we were together was just magic to me.

[barnesandrogersfanfics]

Ocean Eyes - Part 1

Summary: Your past with Chris catches up with you.

A/N: Can’t say more than that or it gives stuff away! 😂 Taglist is open, if 

you want to be added let me know 💕

After a long day working at the local coffee shop the last thing i wanted to do was go to a club! But it was Sadie's leaving party so i had to make an appearance or id never hear the end of it.

It had actually been a really fun night, my first night out in what felt like years and after a few drinks i let myself enjoy it. I even had a couple of guys offer to buy me a drink! Just after midnight i caught a taxi home and left the younger girls to carry on with their partying..... how they did it i don't know! Most of them had had far too much to drink already and no intention of stopping any time soon. God i miss the days where i could do that!

When i finally got home i dropped my bag and my jacket next to the front door, went to the kitchen to grab a bottle of water and headed up to bed. I managed to throw on an oversized t-shirt before crashing face first into bed, the make up removal would have to wait til the morning i was too exhausted to care.

I woke up to my cell phone blaring loudly in my ear, i patted around for it keeping my eyes closed already feeling the hangover! I mumbled a 'hello' then heard the soft chuckle of my mom.

"Had a good night did you?"

"Mmm it was okay, i'm so not used to drinking anymore Ma. How do people do this every weekend?" I moaned as i slowly opened one eye then the other.

"I remember when you'd be out every weekend, you even ended up in Vegas that one weekend...."

"I remember believe me!" I said as i finally sat up grabbing the bottle of water from the bedside cabinet draining half of it.

"I was just wondering what time you were coming over?.... you said 10am but its almost lunch time"

"What??!! are you serious?.... shit. Okay let me go get a cup of coffee and take a quick shower and i'll be there"

"Okay sweetheart, no rush"

"Everything's okay?"

"Yeah yeah all good. I'll see you soon"

"Okay, bye mom".

I had just finished my coffee and was heading upstairs for a shower when the doorbell rang. I was going to ignore it but then whoever it was started knocking.

"Jesus.... give me a second" i muttered marching to the front door, i opened the door just a crack hiding behind the door due to my lack of pants! When i looked through the gap i gasped.... the last person i ever expected to see was stood on my doorstep.

"Chris...."

"Hey" he smiled nervously "sorry for just showing up like this but i didn't have your number. I tried calling the one i had for you but it was out of service"

"Yeah i had to change it a few years back..... wh...what are you doing here Chris?"

"Can we talk inside?.... i don't really wanna do this through a crack in your door" he laughed a little but it was more of a nervous laugh.

"Erm, sure can you give me a couple minutes to go put some pants on?... i was just about to get in the shower"

"Sure"

I nodded and closed the door before quickly rushing upstairs and grabbing my jean shorts from the chair where i had discarded them yesterday. I was just about to leave my room when i passed the mirror and caught a glimpse of my reflection "fuck!" I quickly grabbed a makeup remover wipe and cleaned my face of smudged mascara and run a brush through my hair.... it was no good,  the hair could not be saved! I quickly tied it up in a messy bun not minding the loose bits that fell out, it would have to do!

The living room was a mess so i closed the door leaving just the kitchen visible. Then i rushed over to let Chris in before he thought id run off and forgotten about him. He followed me through to the kitchen and took a seat at the table while i made us both a coffee.

"How you been? Its been a while since ive seen you" he asked softly.

"I guess it has been.... erm i'm good" i shrugged casually keeping my attention on the mugs as i made the coffee.

"Im glad. Seemed like you disappeared off the face of the planet, you just left. No one heard from you...."

"It was for the best, fresh start and all that"

"Im sorry for how we... how i left things"

I shrugged shaking my head

"you really don't have to apologise Chris, you made a choice...."

"A stupid choice..... i was young and very stupid...."

"Whats done is done, theres no point rehashing it... its been almost 7 years i'm over it" i scoffed picking up the mugs and joining him at the table.

"You are?"

"Of course!"

"Thats great" he nodded avoiding eye contact.

"Okay so spill it.... i don't mean to sound rude but i've got somewhere i need to be soon and i'm already running late....."

"Still cant handle your drink huh?" He finally looked at me smirking.

"Apparently not.... how'd you know?"

"Ive seen you hungover enough to know the signs, the hair and the face full of smudged makeup...."

"you saw that huh?"

"Yeah" he chuckled looking me over.

"So....."

"Right... i um....i need you to sign this" He said reaching inside his jacket and pulling out some papers.

"Sign what?..... what could you possibly need me to sign?" I asked, my eyebrows furrowing in confusion as he pushed the papers across the table to me. I leaned forward to get a better look and the first thing my eyes landed on... "Petition For Divorce".

I felt my heart start to race as i looked up at Chris..... "what is this? I signed these 7 years ago Chris!"

"I know. I never filed them"

"What?! you mean we're still married?!"

"Yeah"

"Why? You told me you'd take care of it all...."

"And i was gonna, but i couldn't bring myself to do it"

"Jesus christ Chris!"

"Im sorry Y/N" he started to say but I shook my head as i got up to get a pen, when i sat back down and signed them without hesitation Chris made this noise, like i had offended him by signing the divorce papers without an argument.

"What?"

"Nothing, its just you signed them pretty quickly...."

"Chris, i signed these 7 years ago when i loved you.. why wouldn't i sign them again? There's no reason not to..... what we had has been over for years"

"I just thought maybe somewhere down the line we'd work things out"

"I didn't. Any thoughts of us working out ended when you broke up with me because your career was taking off and you liked the attention from all the girls"

"I was an idiot i know, i was just a kid...."

"Bullshit! If you were old enough to get married....you were old enough to know what you were doing".

He looked down shaking his head again, he actually looked ashamed of how he had acted. Maybe he had grown up.

My phone started ringing and i saw my mom's name flashing on the front.

"Hey mom..... oh god, yeah okay.... i'll be there in like 15 minutes i promise" i hung up after saying goodbye to her.

"Im sorry, but i've got to go. You got what you wanted" i shrugged pointing at the papers on the table, he folded them neatly and tucked them back inside his jacket.

"Thank you"

"Can i ask you something?"

"Anything"

"Why now? You didn't bother for 7 years"

"Ive been seeing someone..... its getting kinda serious now...."

"Right, i get it. Your ready for a new wife...." i shook my head suddenly feeling very sad about my past life with Chris "i didn't even get the chance to be your wife.... not really. That ain't worth shit" i pointed towards his jacket where i knew the papers were.

"Its not like that Y/N i swear, i just.... i want the option to be there if the time comes"

"Well i hope it works out better for you this time. Look i have to go......"

"Right okay, sorry. I'll get out of your way" he got up quickly and followed me through the kitchen and to the front door.

"It was good to see you, make sure you file those this time" i said as he walked towards his car.

"You got it, it was great seeing you too" he smiled before getting in his car and driving off.

"Hey Ma!" I called walking into my mom's house.

"Your late" she called from the sofa, i made my way to her and dropped down next to her.

"I know im sorry, you'll never guess who just turned up at my house??!"

"Who?"

"He who shall not be named!" I said quietly, my mom's eyes widened as she gasped "you mean...."

"Yep!" I nodded "turns out we've been married the last 7 years! He never filed.... he came by to ask me to sign them again"

"That boy has some nerve showing up here...."

"Yep"

"Did you sign them?"

"Of course i did"

"Just like that?"

"Yeah, just like that" i shrugged "like i told him, i already thought it was done and over with, i haven't seen him in 7 years.... why wouldn't i sign them"

"Sweetheart....." my mom started to say something but was interrupted by the excited yell of 'MOM!" right before a small body crashed into mine.

"Hey buddy" i laughed hugging my baby close "have you been behaving for nana?"

"Yep, i'm always good" he rolled his eyes before wrapping his arms around me "i missed you mom"

"I saw you yesterday baby" i chuckled running my hand through his brown hair before kissing the top of his head.

"I still missed you"

"Awww ain't you cute! I missed you too".

"Hey! I thought you liked staying with me? We had so much fun" my mom said trying to act offended but smiled when Mason started laughing.

"We had fun Nana, but i missed my mom" he looked up at me with his big blue eyes and i felt my heart swell with love for my baby boy.... well he wasn't a baby anymore, it was hard to believe he'd be turning 6 in a few days.... how time flies.

Everything taglist: @jesseswartzwelder @dumblani @barnesandrogersworld @patzammit

[httpsjjun]

🪐anon!! i didn’t wanna clog up people’s feeds by making our message super long, so iput my response here!! :D

hi!! i hope youre doing well and that your weekend was great😄

hi!! i'm going pretty well ≧◡≦ how are you~

todays topic is animals!!

i LOVE animals ahhhh

i cant say what my favorite animal is because it will give me away😭 but i can talk about pets that ive had!

well, since i can't possibly give myself away, i can say that my favorite animals are quokkas and fennec foxes! that's pretty specific right? idk i've always had a soft spot in my heart for fennec foxes ever since i met one in 2nd grade. i mean, they're so cute!! and quokkas,,, please they call them the happiest animals on earth and they really are. i love seeing picture of them taking selfies o(╥﹏╥)o like they just take people's phones / cameras and snap away!

so i had two dogs when i was little, one boxer and one alaskan malamute mix. they were huge dogs and i was a very small because i was about 5 or 6 at the time. my dad would always tell me how patient they were with me because i would always sit on him😭😭 please i feel so bad odjdkksk.

oh my gosh that sounds like something i'd do oh my gosh! i mean, you were pretty young and pretty small (i think) so i'm sure your dog was okay with it! :D

here’s another story that i found crazy osjjwk. so my old house had a deck in the backyard. so my dad put things under there and whatnot. so one day we were looking for our boxer. we couldnt find him anywhere but through a gap in the floor, my dad saw him under the deck. SO MY DAD MADE ME CRAWL UNDERNEATH TO GO AND LURE HIM OUT. at the time i wasnt scared of anything, like bugs and stuff. but oh my god, thinking about it now, idk how i was able to just crawl there through the webs and bug. YUCK KDKFEKKS

iejogiag it's so weird how brave our younger selves were,, like hello? does being injured not matter to you?? like my younger self used to stick tweezers / fingers in outlets, jump on bleachers / benches, and talk to random strangers,, it's so strange to hear stories about my younger self because i'm so different from who i am now!! but why was your boxer under your deck *tears*

anyway those are my stories. did you or do you have any pets? if you dont, what pet would you want? if you do, do you have any funny stories?

i actually didn't grow up with pets, but i have fish now,, which do count a pets but like,, i can't do anything with them *tears* like i can't cuddle them or pet them. they just eat and swim all day *more tears* i did try this thing that i saw on tiktok where i tried to get my fish to pick a bias in some groups, but they didn't cooperate with me *tears*

i really really want a puppy though! like a little baby that i can raise and will grow with me! my dad keeps saying no because he says that i'm leaving for college in like 2 years, so what was the point? but like,,, 2 years is a long time!

oh! my brother recently got a puppy!!! my dad doesnt want us to have one here at home tho, but my brother lets us take care of her. she’s so adorable i hope my dad will give in one day so we can adopt one.

i'm manifesting your dad letting you get a dog!!

anyway, stay safe!! i hope you have a fantastic day!! im sorry for any typos osijcoskks

stay safe anon! thank you for always coming by and talking to me :) have an amazing day <3

- 🪐 anon

i’m dumb cuz i thought i already posted this 😭

[pbandjesse]

Oh man I am tired. I am very excited for sleep. Today was really nice but also really long. Lots of driving. But I am in a good mood and I am feeling positive. 

I slept really deeply last night. I never even made it under the covers. Just fell asleep under a robe? I woke up at 9 when my alarm went off and was very groggy. But I was okay. I shook it off. It took me a bit to get myself all awake but that was okay. 

I didn't love my outfit or my hair. But I sucked it up. Since it was all I had with me. I got washed up and dressed and had to rebraid my hair a few times because it just wouldn't sit correctly, but whatever. I needed to wear my hair at least similar to how I think I will wear it with the dress. And Im thinking lots of braids and a low bun situation. 

We left here around 945 to get Jess. And since she only lives like 4 minutes away we were to early to the appointment. But I got to see some of the tornado destruction. Like people had reached out to me and I was like. Yeah of course everyone is fine? I didn't realize how real this was. Things were like. Exploded?? It was wild. The car dealership my Aunt Renee used to work at basically was gone? It was wild. I was like. Shocked. 

But we left that area and headed to the appointment. 

I had a good time. But was a little overwhelmed. There were just a lot of options. To many options. I liked the stylist, but also I think she got stuck on me liking sleeves. And so we didn't pull a lot? I ended up trying 5 dresses. And it was fun to try them on but their sample was for sure a little smaller so nothing fit me great. And the fabrics didnt feel right. Plus while the dressing room was the largest and nicest, the lighting came from above and was a little harsh and I could see every little flaw in my person. It was made feel not great. I made a lot of little jokes. And was talking a lot because I was feeling uncomfortable. 

But I had a lot of fun still. I think it didn't feel as serious because I didn't love the dresses. So it was like playful and jokey and it was neat. 

There was one dress that I really liked parts of. It had this beautiful gathering around the back that I loved but it also had a weird belt area. Me and Jess were like if you can move this all up it would have a regency vibe and would be so perfect. But honestly its more expensive then the one I liked right out of the box yesterday. Plus we would need so much tailoring. Basically if we could combine the top of the dress yesterday and the bottom of the dress today it would look so nice. 

We got all the info though and even talked to their seamstress about making changes in case we do end up going with it. But no decisions are being made yet.

We walked across the lot to go to lunch at the Buck Hotel. And it was a neat place. Ive never been there before and I really enjoyed myself. Plus Jess and mom were just good company. They want to help so much and I want their help but I also do not know how to give that direction. But we will figure it out. 

We headed to Jess's place after that. Mom got to hold a chicken for the first time. It was very cute. We pet Jess's cat and talked to her mom for a while. It was nice. But I knew I would want to go back to Baltimore soon so I got us out of the door and back to mom's house. 

When we got back there I packed my bag and got my stuff ready. Then I spent some time cutting my mom's hair. I think I did a pretty good job. It was the first time Ive ever done that for her so it was pretty neat. I am glad I could be helpful. And it was just a nice little moment. 

I headed back to Baltimore around 230 and it took forever to get home. I didn't get back here until 530!! It was a pretty sucky drive. Just traffic and it was to bright and I listened to so many things but I just wanted to be home. 

I was really happy to get back here. Hug James. Hold sweetP. James made me pasta. It was great and we talked about our weekends and had lots of laughs. We both had things to do on our laptops. And just enjoyed sitting together on the couch. 

Eventually I went to my studio to work on a few little things. And then unpacked my stuff. Made sure my bag was ready for camp. And took a bath. 

Now we are in bed enjoying the ac. Watching the rain. It has been a really nice day. And I am ready to get some sleep. Camp is going to be a lot this week. But I hope it is still fun. 

Sleep well everyone. Take care of yourselves. 

[aestheticvoyage2021]

Day 23: Saturday January 23, 2021 - “Demo Day”

My first solo weekend solo here at The Finca in 2021, and I wasted no time busting out the tools and starting a major project to set the table for a year of woodworking hobby >>>  transforming my shop space.   Long and narrow in the middle of the house, its gotta be a one of a kind, kind of thing - but so much potential.  We’ve done the work of closing off the awkward door, and flipping the closet and now - the grand finale - the transformation, the finishing work.

The wall shared with the great room is an unfinished wall with some partcile board shelves nailed to the studs, and old cardboard peg-board which has worked well so far in makeshift organizing my tools.   Nothing permanent - practically a blank slate.  Ive been staring at it since moving in, wondering what I could do to really make this space awesome.  And after several trips to the big box stores, looking at lumber options, I settled on a plan to add some pine tongue-and-groove 8 foot panels.   But first I needed to clear the space out.   So I spent the day organize and moving things out into the rest of the house.  Id have 6 days here before AC comes back to try to get this done and put back togehter!   Can I do it?!   Id have to get busy right away - no more time for considering ideas and plans -  it was full steam ahead.

Id spend some time surfing the web, purchasing new steel pegboard systems that should look really sharp when they arrive next week, and nice shelving systems to store stuff up high.   Id have to take out the shelves to get the wall up - which is fine because I’ll plan to build or add new shelving or work benches as I go.  I cleared the wall, bending my hammer in the process - turns out this was all pretty well built for being temporary!  I researched flooring options with the help of my Dad, and got a brand new UFO spotlight lighting system. Progress-ing.

Oh, and there was the beast task of getting that popcorn ceiling down.   Begrudgingly, I decided to tackle that before I did anything else, and this is how I ended up spending my Saturday night!  Gas mask on, I covered myself in the yucky dust and then spent a couple hours shop vac-ing up my work.  It came off surprisingly well - much easier than the first go at it back on Day 1.  I may have found my technique!

Id call it quits finally some time around midnight and finally take a rest but I was right back in there the next day starting to stain and sand boards and see if my idea for the pine planks would actually work.  I had to choose between several stain options I had, and when I couldnt decide, I went with two and was really happy with my clever curious accidental design genius.  I had six boards to experiment with - and once they were all up on the bottom of the wall - I decided, Id passed and was off to HD to buy more.  Itd be a task Id take on for the rest of the week, working against the calendar in hopes of getting it done before Thursday night!

I had to start somewhere, and I didnt waste any time or much energy once I got going on track.  Dove right in after months of thinking it through.  Its time for the physical creation and I am hopeful I wind up with a place that I am really proud of - my work shop, my man cave, a place of my own.  My learning lab.  A place to get my hands dirty.  A place to do big things.  And here tonight the classic “before” shot that I’ll look back on, and link to, when its all done!

Song:  Albert King - Everybody Wants To Go To Heaven

Quote:“Emerson's interest is in the workshop phase, the birthing stage of art, not the museum moment, the embalming phase. Poetry mimics Creation and is therefore sacred. More precisely, just as God may indeed be a verb, poetry is the act of creating. The process of poetry also mimics the process of nature. 'This expression or naming is not art, but a second nature, grown out of the first, as a leaf out of a tree. What we call nature is a certain self-regulated motion or change.' Another aspect of nature is genius, which, as Emerson observes, 'is the activity which repairs the decays of things.” ― Robert D. Richardson, First We Read, Then We Write: Emerson on the Creative Process