#ive looked through every drawer at least twice and i am trying VERY hard not to start dumping drawers out onto the floor

[theygender]

I told myself that if I opened all the windows and lit incense I'd be okay but now I can't find any matches or lighters and I can't scream my frustrations while digging through every drawer in the house bc the windows are open. One of life's many trials

[supernatural-danhowell-fanf-blog]

Motionless.

Charecters: Dean, Reader

Pairing: Dean×Reader

WARNING: TRIGGERS. THIS IS A TRIGGER FIC. PLEASE DO NOT READ IF IT WILL AFFECT YOU BADLY NOW OR IN THE FUTURE. Self hate. Cutting. Language. Slight nudity but not in a sexual way. T-shirt and underwear.

Summary: You’ve kept your self harm a secret until it became too much and you had to call your boyfriend Dean.

A/N: SO LIKE I SAID A LOT OF TRIGGERS. This was an inspirational fic to me because I’ve dealt with this stuff before. To me, at least, Dean is real. He lives in my head. Whenever I pick up the blade I can hear him saying “Put that down. Can’t you see how beautiful you are?” I can see his broken heart as I cut into my legs. I can feel him comforting me after I’m done. To me dean is real and this fic happens in my mind pretty much every night.

I don’t know how to put the gif at the beginning. Sorry I’m an idiot lol. Anyway, there is a gift at the bottom that is how I imagined Dean on the phone at the beginning.

Alright. Please make sure if this starts triggering you you immediately stop and you message me. I can send you a non trigger version. Well, just the triggers cut out. —

Blood dripping.

Tears trickling.

Skin ripping.

Nights wer- are always hard for you. You stayed awake long after the rest of the world. Crying, not the cute, one-tear-running-down-the-cheek crying. Full on screaming, tears pouring down your cheeks. You clenched your teeth, held your stomach. Ever threw up sometimes just from the intensity.

Your days were pretty routine. Wake up grumpy from only getting a couple hours of sleep. Sometimes none. Then you would go to work, be happy for a while, joke around, smile, start to think, I can do this. Then at about 6pm you get sad, start thinking “why does nobody love me?” At about 11pm after you get in bed the tears start. At 12 you get your blades. At 2 you are screaming for help, in the middle of a nightmare even though you aren’t asleep. Something is chasing you, hurting you. Killing you slowly. At 5 you are wondering if anything is really worth this.

Nobody knew. Not family, not friends, not even your boyfriend, Dean. You were always smiling so everyone just assumed you were fine. Friends would come to you with problems and you would comfort them even though it was a fraction of what you were dealing with. You always got told “you know, you help me all the time. If you have any problems, you can call. Day or night.” Bullshit. If you spilled your guts you would have to clean them up yourself so why bother?

—

Work was terrible. You were told to go kill yourself twice, cursed out, had stuff thrown at you. You took a break even though you were supposed to be working and your manager screamed at you in front of everyone.

12:42AM

“Why does nobody care about me?! Am I not pretty enough?! Smart enough?! Nobody loves me. I should end it. No, gotta stay strong. For Dean.” You said as you wiped your tears and sat up on the bed. You opened your bedside table drawer. You only kept one thing in there. Blades. The bottom of the drawer was stained with drops of blood. You kept it locked up so no one would see. Much like you kept yourself locked up. Hoping nobody could see.

You often pondered how dean would react the first time you had sex. Seeing the deep red marks all up and down your legs and arms. Wrists were easy to cover up with Bracelets and such. You had been with Dean for over a year now. Your excuse was wanting to wait until marraige. BS. You had got real close a few times. You had tattoos on your arms so dean couldn’t see those but your legs were a different story. You had gone shirtless but as soon as dean tried to unbutton your jeans you had to pump the brakes. You could see the dissapointment in his eyes. Not in you, just in the fact that you didn’t trust him. At least that’s what he thought.

You grabbed a dull blade and drug it across your ragged skin. To you, your thighs were a canvas. You had to find an empty spot to start on. You looked all across the red marks, drug the very tip of the blade across the scars, feeling the familiar sting. Eventually found a good place to start. You dragged it across your skin, prepping it. Feeling the cool blade against your legs was comforting.

Then you pulled it across in a fast motion, blood starting to drip. You muffled a scream. Then again. Again. Again. Each time more painful than the last.

3:19AM

The screaming. Oh the screaming. Inside your head but it was all too real. You banged your head against the wall trying to make it stop. Trying to make your last few hours peaceful.

3:38:AM

You felt a cold hand wrap around your forearm. Start squeezing. It left an ugly purple bruise. Another had wrapping its fingers slowly around your throat. You tried to get it out of your room but you kept seeing it. Why was it there? What did it want?

4:22AM

Silence. You drifted to sleep until you heard a piercing scream. You jolted up. Tonight was worse than it had been for a long time.

4:36AM

You were pacing your room. “I should call him. No, he will leave me. No he won’t Y/N Don’t be ridiculous. Just call” you pulled out your phone and began dialing. You hit cancel and put the phone back in your bra. “Y/N you are such a worthless, stupid, piece of garbage. His JOB is to make you happy. Just call!” You told yourself I’m a fit of anger. You dialed again. This time you hit call.

The ringing went on for what felt like ages. "Come on, Dean! Pick up damn it!”

“Y/N, I swear if you are drunk in a ditch somewhere and I have to come pick you up one more ti-”

“D-Dean?” You said, clearly crying. Voice shaking. Your tried to swallow the lump in your throat but couldn’t. You just kept crying.

"Baby, what wrong. Are you hurt? Where are you?!” He said as you heard background noise. Sounded like he was getting out of bed.

You couldn’t make a noise. You just kept crying. You dropped the phone next to you on the bed without hanging up. Too weak to even hold the phone.

"Baby you’re scaring me what’s happening?! Im on my way.” You could hear through the phone. “I’m about an hour out though. Please stay on the phone.”

You picked up the phone and just said his name. In a quiet voice. You weren’t even sure how he could hear it. “Y/N” his voice broke. He was crying too. “Seriously, talk to me”

"I just can’t anymore baby” you said, suprised you got that many words out. “You can’t what? Can’t date? Can’t work? Can’t what sweetheart?”

"Live.” It was quiet. For a long time. “Y/N, I swear to God if you kill yourself before I get there I’m going to kill you.”

You smiled. “Nice logic.” You managed to say. Then you screamed. “Y/N?! Y/N!!! What happened?!” He yelled.

“It’s coming!! Dean please save me it’s coming it’s coming dean please please get here faster kill it please dean save me dean please please save me!”

"Baby I’m on my way but you have to talk to me. What’s coming?”

“The monster. It’s in my head.”

Dean was relieved it wasn’t an actual monster. Although it was very real. “Baby, talk to me. Why are you so scared?” He said in a calming voice.

You were quiet for a while. You were thinking. Calming enough to tell him.

“I hate myself. I hate my body, my skin, my hair, my face. My personality, my humor, my house, my voice, everything. I’m a worthless piece of absolute garbage and I shouldn’t even be on this earth.”

He sighed. “First of all. That’s complete Bullshit. You are the most amazing person I know! You think you are worthless?! That’s the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard. your think you are ugly? You are perfect. I’ve seen the way you look at yourself in the mirror and I can tell what you are thinking and believe me. I love very freckle, Every mole, every imperfection because your imperfections are what make you so amazing because you wear them with pride. You think you are garbage? Welcome to the club!! You think you have a bad personality? Y/N, you are hilarious, smart, talented, the list goes on. I-I couldnt ecen twll you hoe many times ive cried from laughing so hard at the stuff youve said! I never knew you felt this way. How long?”

You were crying so it was hard for him to hear you. “Years. I never told anyone because they should be running scared. What kind of monster think the things I think, does the things I do, cuts their legs and arms because they aren’t pretty enough? Who does that? Me.”

“You’ve been cutting yourself for years? Y/N I’ve knows you for years. Why didn’t I ever know? Is that why you don’t want to have sex with me? You think I’ll run screaming??”

“Dean you know I want to I just can’t stand the though of you worrying.You didn’t ever know because I didn’t tell anyone. I’m weak, Dean. Weak and scared. Nobody would ever take me seriously if they knew how weak I actually was.”

“People don’t cry because they are weak Y/N. They cry because they have been strong too long.” He said is a soothing voice. “You are my girl and I would do anything to protect you. I’m almost there. I love you so damn much Y/N. You know what I love about you? You’re smile. I love how even after all the crap you’ve been through, you still smile. I love how strong you are. Holding on this long. I love you Y/N, I couldn’t live without you.”

“Why do you keep saying that? You love me? I’m trash. I’m worthless and stupid and ugly and I don’t deserve you. You should leave me. No sense in keeping me around. All I do is screw up. I’ll be gone soon anyways.” You said as you wiped a tear from your eye.

“Hold on baby.” He said as he hung up.

“What the fuck? Did he actually just hang up on me?” You were done crying. Even though it broke your heart. You just had a straight face. And laid down. Without blinking or looking at anything.

After about 2 minutes the door burst open. You didn’t move. Didn’t even blink, to be honest you didn’t even notice. Before long, Dean was lifting you up and wrapping his arms around you. He held you bridal style as you kept your dead eyes looking forward. Without saying anything. He sat down on the bed and your head laid in the crook of his neck as he rocked you and hummed a song.

About ten minutes later, he asked quietly “Can I see, baby?” You nodded. You were too exhausted to say anything. He just laid you on the bed and pulled down your pants. You just laid still, motionless, in a shirt and underwear as your boyfriend stood above you, crying. Seeing how bad it had gotten. Your legs were dark red pretty much all the way down to your knees.

“Baby” he said breathless. Not even really talking to you. He ran his fingers through his hair and cursed himself for not knowing sooner. He was pacing back and forth, breathing heavily. He looked so angry at himself. He shouldn’t be, it’s not his fault.

He leaned down and began kissing your legs. Not sucking, just leaving a soft kiss on every cut on your leg. You slowly lifted your head and asked “why?” Quietly.

“Because I love them. They show how strong you are. I love you. I’m going to kiss each and every cut. Each and every day until they heal. Because this is not okay but I don’t know how else to help you right now.”

You laid motionless, staring at the ceiling as he kissed each cut. You felt a warm drop of water run down your leg every couple seconds. No doubt a tear. He made his way up each leg and then jumped up to kiss your lips.

“Love.” You said as a tear ran down your face.

“Yes, I love you, Y/N.”

He wrapped you in his arms and leaned up against the headboard and watched you fall asleep.

“You are beautiful Y/N Y/L/N. Don’t ever forget that. Don’t ever leave me.”

—

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