#bc that would be a bitch to clean up
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I told myself that if I opened all the windows and lit incense I'd be okay but now I can't find any matches or lighters and I can't scream my frustrations while digging through every drawer in the house bc the windows are open. One of life's many trials
#ive looked through every drawer at least twice and i am trying VERY hard not to start dumping drawers out onto the floor#bc that would be a bitch to clean up#i found ONE box of matches out in plain sight on the kitchen counter and its full of spent matches. like its MOCKING me#WHY are there no matchboxes in the places where i usually leave matchboxes. has my gf used all of them are we actually out of matches??#this is my fault for dating a magician isnt it 😭#i know we have lighters somewhere to but for some reason only she seems to be able to find them#im going to lose my fucking marbles before she gets home from work#why have i tied my mental health in this moment to my ability to find matches. for fucks sake#rambling
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god bless sleeping 12hrs nightly
#stream#i hate it so much#like get up & do what ? CLEAN ? AGAIN ? be a PERSON ? AGAIN ?#i was so annoyed yesterday ppl were pissing me off so much then i called my mother & it was lovely & i told her how i scammed a vacuum from#amazon last semester by reporting it stolen bc dpd refused to deliver it TO ME & sent it to a language centre so then i reported it as a#dispute on my credit card got my money back then picked up the vacuum ALSKALSKLKSLAKSLA she said ‘u are ur fathers child’ & honestly ? real#cheap as FUCK like i GET IT FROM SOMEWHERE#but she’s also HER fathers child so i don’t wanna hear it 🙄#by that it’s ‘u gotta make it really reasonable if u want anything w my money’#i’m literally going to try to scam an electric drill or just use & return to make a fucking big room divider to THE HEIGHT I NEED bc it need#to be literally like 150cm even to go w the height of the tv bc that’s mounted & it came w the place so i can’t move it & also it doesn’t#even work ALSKALSKALKSLKSLA HATE KY LANDLORD !!!!! i mean love em they don’t do anything it’s full shithead hours 24/7 here & i love that#but GIRL ….#DID YALL RLY HVE TO PAINT OVER THE BITCHES HAIR ?#WOULD A BROOM HAVE KILLED YALL ? anyway ALSO IT DOESNT EVEN HAVE A CABLE#& U HAVE TO HAVE A TV LICENSE HERE FOR THE FUCKING TV 😭😭😭😭#like ALSKALKSLAKSLSLKSLAK literally … decoration#that’s ugly as fuck and annoying as shit like why is it THERRREEEEEEEE#i’m having my mother bring an amazon fire stick when i meet in north carolina like next week so i can maybe hopefully use it somehow like#just as a SPEAKER EVEN#that would be GREAT bc i’m not paying for cable i don’t even watch netflix as is#like let me get this podcast on the tele ‼️‼️‼️#determined to get dishes done today#running low on weed BUT that 1 drug dealer w cancer & w/o a bladder im talking to he’s so fucking hot hopefully he actually has a connect#for me to get smack ALSKALKSLKSLKSLKSLKALAK
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i bring a sort of not wanting to do pointless waste of time shit to the job that employers really don't care for
#i fucking hate jobs where you have to look busy and unfortunately i seem to have gotten myself in just such a situation#i swept the floor three times today for no good reason it was not that dirty and also there is literally a vacuum which is a much more#rational device to use for cleaning in a vet clinic because sweeping clumps of hair doesnt work and i still havent gotten a good answer for#why i can't just use the vacuum#he's like “ok we need to find something to do” so tell me something to do i will do it!!!!! asshole#today i picked up a bunch of trash outside and he's also had me clean and reorganize some ancient cabinets. all fine#i literally do not care i will do any of that shit but you do need to Tell Me because i'm not a goddamn mind reader#and i know i will get in trouble if i fuck up something! obviously!#also this bitchy attitude is coming from a man who sits on his ass eating twizzlers for about 75% of the day as far as i can see#like i don't know what to tell you man actually verbally give me something to do or stop being a little bitch bc i'm leaning on the counter#because my feet and back hurt btw. because i'm not sitting on my ass all day. not that i wouldnt if i could obviously#i would kill for a desk job i got to file some folders today and it was blissful what is the job where you do that all day#me
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Idk I also just hate the future actually. My ass is Always living in the past or simply day to day 💪💪💪
#HELP ...... SO MANY OF MY DAYDREAMS CENTER AROUND THIS ACTUALLY.....#like. huge point of drama/point of contention between alfonse and moe is that moe Hesitates.#even outright Refuses. to consider the future. where alfonse's future seems set in stone that is the path he's been striving for all long#moe feels like it won't have a place there. you'll be king. you'll be all set. you'll probably have to have a queen#and even if it's a political marriage thing (WHICH. I HAVE SO MUCH HC LORE ABOUT --#like no one specifically but like. alfonse is the type of guy who has accepted this long ago and just treats it as a fact of life#which moe RESENTS. HOW are you gonna fuckinh ACCEPT THAT. your life entirely out of your own hands#bitch i'll fucking KILL YOU. ect)#also as a side there was a whole wedding banner wip that explored that that i. forgor about#but like. alfonse tries SO hard to convince moe that there WILL be a place for it by his side. he will MAKE that place if he has to#also a king4king situation isn't feasible i think moe would be a concubine (gay style). or an enuch or something#like moe does NOT want to be in any position of actual authority. that's not its heart. it's a support guy through and through#but going back to the start. moe is the type of guy who's convinced it's going to be replaced.#moe is the type of guy who burns bridges and feels a sense of relief. moe is the type of guy who is looking for ANY excuse#to run away. and ESP to reframe it as 'you're better off without me'.#the only reason it was able to get so close to alfonse is bc it was convinced alfonse wouldn't get attached to it#and when he did moe was convinced Well. this will all be temporary anyway. i'll take it day by day#make the most of it. and whenever alfonse hits it w one of his classic zingers like#the more you have to lose the worse it hurts when you do doesn't that make you feel lonely. SHUP FUCKIYBNG SHUT YPUR FUCK UP‼️‼️‼️#moe is a normal guy with no problems. definitely no commitment issues or intimacy issues. i promise.#ACTUALLY THAT REMINDS ME. BEEN TURNING THIS AROUND IN MY HEAD TOO. ESP W MY CURRENT WIP#and the feelings it invokes in me. moe is SO CONVINCED. SO CONVINCED. it's gonna fuck alfonse over big time#do NOT make me your lifeline i swear to fucking god. i Promise You. i Will Fail You.#adjacent but moe being a healer is ENDLESSLY. FASCINATING TO ME. LIKE MY GOD#healer that is just SO destructive. that's w.. that's part of why... it became a healer.........#like god. being a healer to ensure that if you get rid of me you'll be at a disadvantage.#nevermind the fact that i have a role exclusive to me. not good enough. i need More insurance.#the way. the role it took upon itself. when it was younger. to be the fixer. to clean up after [redacted]#and its never ending cycle. ever since it was a child. its never ending cycle of tearing itself apart#to rebuild itself anew. better this time. Perfect this time. this time. this time. this time.
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ive been watching sooo many vids of people doing doll restorations and doll customizations... making me both fight off the desperate urge to attempt New Hobby just because it Looks Fun and also resisting the urge to repurchase the fave barbie i had as a kid on ebay,,,,
#i dont have a job rn i dont need to be spending money on this kind of nostalgia for the latter lol#my fave was a SPECIFIC doll#well actually i had 2 faves but i think the other was like a generic one#but i specifically remember i had the 2001 nutcracker barbie + ken#who i guess were named clara and eric lol#idr if i had the kellys.... i did have a few kellys i just dunno if they were part of that set#i think i literally only had one ken doll. MAYBE two ? and one was the nutcracker guy#but his nutcracker head creeped me out so i never used it#i also think i fucked up his slicked back hair bc. well i was a child LOL#but i remember specifically those two bc of the creepy nutcracker head and bc clara had that special jointed body#since her whole thing was like the nutcracker ballet movie or w/e#and i loved the way her joints moved and clicked and her swooshy curly hair#but also when i was a kid i liked smearing makeup on my dolls LOL#so like. watching restoration and custom vids and seeing how people Actually pull that off in a more professional way#it awakens that inner childhood interest lol#and like i HAVE a lot of the supplies already for that. i have paints and pastels and a billion craft supplies ive accumulated over years#which makes it all the more tempting to buy a used doll off like ebay or a thrift store or something for funsies#that would be more affordable than trying to win a bid war for clara 😑 LOL#but i mean. if i do end up employed with a comfortable salary again someday#and if i have money to spare. perhaps i'd consider trying to get clara lol i know shes out there#but also im not willing to spend THAT much so i probs still wouldnt#tho maybe i can find one thats kinda fucked up and try to clean her idk . IDK IM JUST DAYDREAMING FOR NOW#ugh who wants to reminisce with me tho LOL#i can vaguely see the plastic bin of barbies i had as a kid in my mind...#there was this other barbie i had that i liked... idr anything special about her tho i just liked her hair#it was like a specific type of blonde that was like a warm blond and was soft i think. maybe a lil dirty blonde color idk#maybe i liked her face too idk i just know there was one that stood out to me#despite like nothing of significance about her LOL#she was another white blonde bitch in my collection
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btw no posts today!! my queue ran out and i'll try to set up some more for tomorrow but i'm just chilling rn after that doozy of a weekend
#delete later#for those keeping up with the sibling saga: they moved out this weekend#my parents helped them set shit up bc apparently they had no fuckin idea or plan for the moving out#like. it's fucking scary how they go about shit. how haphazardly they prepared for the move etc etc#AND THEY TOOK SOME OF MY SHIT!!! i want that back and my siblings like. oh parents can drop it off at ur place#bitch???? u think they're carrier pigeons??? i've been getting ur shitty deliveries just come get them urself and bring my hermetic rice ja#absolutely prepared to cut that cord and i would have already were it not for the fucking shit they took.#after that it's game over#and their room was absolutely disgusting. bc they did not clean up after themselves. jackasses.
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Mr. Lee stopped by my room to see if I wanted to prep with the 8th grade history teachers and that was so nice of him to do
#the two 7th grade history teachers do not want to talk to me and its like yeah ok then but why did u guys approve to hire me lol#i stayed in my room bc i was cleaning up and grading and reorganizing the desks but i was tempted#we had to prep bc the school is getting observed when we get back from Thanksgiving break#we had to submit lesson plans and the 7th grade teachers told me to not submit anything (i did) and when i told my induction mentor she was#so surprised that they would say that and that i need to do everything by the book so avoid getting redflagged by administration so#idk man those 2 know how to make a bitch feel extremely unwelcome
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did that just fucking happen
#i fall asleep for like twenty minutes#my mom comes in and yells at me for sleeping#even tho it’s 11pm#and she wants me to start sleeping at normal times#bitch i’m doing what you want why the fuck did you wake me up#she also yelled at me bc i ‘said i was going to clean my room’#and my dresser is still messy#bitch no i said i was gonna clean my sheets#not completely redo my room#she has a lot of audacity calling me out when her room looks like *that*#at least i can walk in my room#she’s upset that i have too much stuff in my room#when the space that i would normally put that stuff is completely unusable#bc of her procrastinating#also she said if i didn’t have it done by tmr i’d be grounded for three days#BITCH I HAVE WORK#U WANT ME TO GO WITHOUT A PHONE?? SEE WHAT FUCKING HAPPENS#WOULD BE FUCKING HORRIBLE IF I GOT INTO AN ACCIDENT AND U DIDNT KNOW RIGHT AWAY HUH. WOULDNT THAT SUCK#idk i’m really pissed bc now i won’t be able to fall asleep for another five hours#so much for good sleep#i’m gonna fucking self combust#‘why are you sleeping???’ bitch i’m tired#we went to the grocery and going to the grocery with her is fucking hell#bc it starts out fine#and by the end she’s always yelling at me abt school for some reason#can’t wait to finish senior year and get the FUCK outta this house#granted that i’m still alive by the end#i just want a normal fucking life where i’m not harassed and attacked just for existing.#ugh. sorry this got long#k.txt
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btw im feeling a lot today bc my neighbor is having a bbq and i really wanna go but i had to lie and say i was working bc everyone there is a hardcore party goer and theres too many covid cases rn so even in an outdoor setting i would need to mask and that crowd would be super weirded out by my n95 and also it would suck bc i wouldnt even be able to eat. anyway. being at risk is like living in purgatory while 99% of the population literally doesnt care.
#I WANNA DO DRUG WITH MY NEIGHBOR AND INSTEAD I HAVE LONG COVID#i think the universe is spitting on me#the levels of restraint i need to have to remind myself that its not worth it#i kinda have to keep thinking about the infection and the bad relapses#even though its super traumatizing lol#bc if i dont force myself to remember i would just go bar crawling like tonight ngl#but then i remember being too weak to moan#and how terrifying those hours were#i remember the days where ive been too weak to move in my bed too weak to breathe without effort#and it kinda kills the urge lol#but it sucks!!! that i have to think about this all the time!!#i wanna forget those horrible times fr but the pandemic is ongoing#the mental fortitude i need to survive this fr.#just bitching#medical cw#i live alone rn i cant have a big PEM im not doing another survival week unable to feed or clean myself#im NOT lol#last year was harrowing and this time around i am more prepared and i WILL not end up at the bottom of the hole again#sorry i need to give myself this pep talk bc i hear the music outside and fuck i wanna drink and smoke weed 😔😔😔😔😔😔
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I feel like tfa was building up an arc where Optimus finally sets Sentinel and Blackarachnia straight by telling them he no longer wishes to clean up behind their messes and they better put on the big kid pants and face the consequences of their actions. Such a cool message to teach kids.
#Just bc people are old friends doesn't give them the right to walk all over you#just because youre a hero doesnt mean letting them disrespect your boundaries and forcing you to clean up after them#that would conclude optimus's hero arc: he made his choices now blue bitch and miss spider has to live with theirs#tfa
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I know I'm supposed to be good and gracious and kind but yaknow what? Sometimes, just sometimes, I wish ableists would develop disabilities-chronic fatigue and pain and migraines and the rest of it- and I wanna give em a lick of what they gave me. How does it feel, to be told your best isn't good enough? That you're not trying hard enough? You can break your back and it'll never be enough to please me. Get a taste of your own fucking medicine
#Specifically @ my roommate who thinks that bc I 'get to' work from home I should have energy to do chores#After I told her a chore rotation would leave me struggling because I can't schedule energy like that#And now she's facing the consequences of her own fucking actions#The action being prioritising her convenience over my health#And she's tryna be mad at me about it#Being all 'I work two jobs and still find time and I get exhausted sometimes too'#Like she honestly has no idea what disabled means#Bitch my exhausted would put you in hospital#My exhausted would have you scrabbling for doctors appointments and specialists and referrals the whole ball#Yea you're exhausted I fucking would be too except for the fact that I cant even work 5 hours without becoming housebound for the next week#And you're out here working 40+ like it's no biggie#God I just she makes me so mad and the absolute lack of compassion or knowledge does my head in#Also she's just painting me up as the bad guy in her head so now anything can be a fucking infraction#It doesn't even have to be about cleaning anymore#ableism#Disability#me saying shit
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...
#unprecedented emotions in this body o mine. like. this may b surprising given the amount of bitching i do on this website#but let me assure u irl i am exceptionally patient. but right now. there is a limit and that is where we now stand#and again this is prob my fault but ive come to the conclusion that fuck these custom chambers. fuck the amount of work that went into them#fuck all of this. im not fucking using them. i will sit here with this one fucking bryophite chamber if it takes me all goddam day bc at#least i fucking trust the values. that means ill have to split up measurements by 2 days but fuck u im right abt this#the solution is: u cant fucking do 98 samples at once. that it. im sorry. fuck u#and i would probably have come to this conclusion earlier if i had thr time to test but doing it all rught now with no fucking room for#grace makes it very fucking clear. so idk. im not fucking using the chambers. and im not looking forward to explaining this to my boss#bc shes so excited abt this project that i have been dreading since its conception. i started with the 3 chambers and it was somehow#even more awful than i would have imagined. fuck that. 2 or 3 fucking weeks of this#and im not even getting paid for all the extra work i do bc i don't get overtime. im not even technically allowed to work weekends or over#40hrs a week. im just doinf this bc im already so miserable why thr fuck not.#hhhhh im being such a brat abt this for real. ugh but i dont wanna meet with my boss#bc this feels like the time where i have to explain that like. listen. u know that thing im really good at and have spent fucking hour and#hours and hours and hours of time doing? well its catastrophically destructive to my brain and thats whats landed us here#where im so fucking fed up that i wanna quit. clean cut and never work with this stuff ever again#and if i have to use the 3 chambers i might die. i might just evaporate away into a million pieces bc i dont wanna deal with this#but i dont wanna explain that bc then shell feel bad and this isnt her fault. i have an issue thats out of my control and im letting it#devour me whole so like 🤷♂️ its my fault bleh#whatever. itll be fine. ive got a coherent argument as to why this is too much. and i kno im fucking right so there it is#i feel like that helps me make decisions: heres what has to happen. heres whats preventing that from happening#and there it is. it either u can fix it or u cant. thats it. u deal with the things in ur control#lol at least im not alone to stew in my anger. im working with 2 other ppl today. so i mean i say that im fucking furious bc im visual fine#lol bc im a patient and level headed person irl im just really whiney online bc i have no outlet. so itll b fine. decision made now we just#deal with it. ugh but how tf am i gonna distract myself from how miserable this is all day? thats the real question#brain gets Interrupted ever 5 min bleh agony#unrelated
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im actually dreading my manager coming back from maternity leave so bad bc im pretty sure she straight up just doesnt like me
#💭#shes the one who wasnt reachable when i was trying to tell her i was going to lunch while training#then she berated me in front of the girl i was training (who i already gave instructions to but shocker didnt last more than a month)#as if it was my fault the girl i was training had no interest in listening or learning and that she was unavailable.#realizing the way other managers have no problem with me is like an Oh wait im not a shit employee youre a shit manager#whod rather berate ppl and break them down all the time and give not a word of praise when we do do well#and when she would ask me to do something then get mad at me that i wasnt doing the thing that i had to pause to do the thing she asked .#also like her letting every other employee leave their shit out then acting like i NEED to be the one to clean up after all them.#as shes exiting the building. woman idk how to tell you this but lmfao no. im not finishing everyone else's work on top of mine#also when id call out bc i was in chronic pain she'd call me in and ask 'whats the story this time'#bitch shut up its ur job to grit ur teeth and act genuine even if you dont believe a word im saying
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jalapeño eggggggggggg
#toy txt post#its Jalapeño Egg time again!!!!!!!#and afternoon coffee#would love to get to a point. in my mental health. spoon distribution. executive function and time management that i could#hold a job and still have jalapeño egg and coffee everyday. maybe have a couple chickens or smth#ive gotten it to be fairly medium spoons on. a good day. or like high spoons medium high reward#the spoon to payoff ratio seems achievable to Balance#compliments the coffee well#if youre curious its Very Basic egg bc i am a Simple Man i and i dont like fancy shit with lots of ingredience generally.#not like on principle just like. statistically speaking.#pan with butter. 2-3 eggs bc that seems like a Normal and Reasonable Amount to allow myself to eat while leaving enough eggs for Future Me#as well. the butter i use is salted. if that matters. u can prolly get away with like olive oil or dairy substitute or somethin idk.#i can tolerate lactose and i like it with the butter. be generous w the butter. stir the eggs up in a little mug or smth like scrample em.#break the yolks and mix em in. cook eggs to your desired egg cookedness. put on plate#put sliced jalapeño pickles on top to desired amount#voila#jalapeño egg. you can alter this as you want. go crazy mix in all sorts of shit put the jalapeños in while youre cooking it cheese whatever#idc. i dont like all that stuff in mine and i prefer it w the jalapeños added after its done cooking personally. pairs well with#black coffee. good black cofffee. like pickle n coffee but elevated. think it takes me like maybe 30 min to do both egg and coffee and#clean up/set aside to clean up later. BUT thats also including the fact that im making coffee in a fancy lil stupid pour over and gotta#babysit it to make sure it hits all those grounds evenly. and watch the bubbles. could deffo do it faster if u have a faster way to make/#have the coffee haha#learning to cook food at all has been learning that i was right as a child when i realized i dont like fancy/complicated ass foods#again not necessarily on principle just like. everytime i see some recipe or gourmet shit or fucking food network im like#wow thats uh. Pretty. that sure looks like it takes a Lot Of Skill And Work! good job!#personally i wouldve stopped like about 5 ingredients and 400 steps ago and not just cos im lazy as shit. that part is bonus#anyway ☆this is not a moral judgement of fancy ass foods. i simply tend not to like them and my Annoyed Tone is purely from#going to some silly little event and they never got basic ass boring fucking plain god damn brownies anymore. everyones gotta get fancy and#Do Shit to em and leave me No Options. smh. its Fine Youre Fine To Like The Fancy Desserts and Many Ingredient Dishes#its Fine! youre Fine! to eat and like fancy desserts and shit. i am simply a Picky Bitch Eater Grumbling In The Corner. let me liiiive
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I went in moms room to scream vent and then we were just talking and I hear one of the neighbors outside go HA! HA! HAA! HAAAAH!" super fucking loud 😭 I'm in heeeeell
#marquilla#by scream vent i mean it's a controlled volume scream to get the pent up energy out and then bitch ab the noise im not like mel blanc#screaming sgdgdgdggdgd im not like shrieking in anger it's just a clenched teeth aaaugh! real quick#although this one was louder than usual bc good god#i can FEEL the sound in my skin like it's crawly feeling thats why i get so uptight it's like when theres a fly in the house i cannot relax#until it is gone or dead and i cannot relax until it is bc i can FEEL IT buzzing in my skin it's crawly and i wanna scream#one time i broke a lightbulb bc i swung a roll of duct tape at the lightbulb cover (sconce?) thing knowing i would break it but was so#desperate to get that fucker and i didnt even get it! had to clean glass off my bed and all sgdgdgd#i think i ended up waiting in the livingroom until it came to the window and smashed it against the window with the blinds (my preferred#method) and i think it's still there 😅😅😅 its a warning to the others.#one time i smashed one on my dads window and he was SO MAD and i was like listen... i thought it was on the outside and wanted to scare it#if i hit the button it would fly in here i had no choice. and he was SO mad agsgsgdggdgdgdgd made me clean the whole window when we got home
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Fucking exhausted from my grocery shop today and dad drops that all the fuckin work i did clearing shit on monday/tuesday that he SAID needed to be done "as soon as possible" aka THAT DAY when i was ALREADY SUPER FATIGUED is FUCKINGGGGG USELESSSSSSS
i am. Pure rage.
#my fatigue has been so fucking bad my health is getting worse my POTS is getting worse i've had such bad side effects of this fuckin meds#i could have fuckin used the energy i WASTED on that fuckin cleaning#I'D FEEL LESS SHITTY TODAY IF I HADNT DONE THAT SHIT#MY SLEEP CYCLE WOULDNT BE SO FUCKRD#i am trying not to have a melt/shutdown and i am trying not to cry with pure frustration#if you dont want to fuckin clean it say that dont fuckin indirectly blame me#christ i cant keep up with life what the fuck am i supposed to do#welp shutdown incoming ha ha#not only that but being proud of myself for smth and then having the rug yanked out from under me is a huge trigger#so not only was i already burned out snd exhausted i'm now massively triggered bc that thing i was somewhat proud of#has proved to be a massive waste of time and effort and energy and it's like having that achievement torn away from me#awesome. great. fuck i wish i had some weed#honestly i should have asked to go into the psych ward in june instead of july. sigh.#gonna be not-funny funny when my psych asks how im doing and i get to tell her between the last appt and admittance i've struggled with#active suicidal feelings ~3+ times ha ha#and then no doubt someone will say “at least you didnt attempt” yeah well thats only bc i'm scared of failing and being more disabled#the second i'm too distraught to worry abt that it's fuckin over for me bitches#anyway i would like to die in my sleep#maybe i stop the blood pressure meds and hope for a heart attack
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