#why have i tied my mental health in this moment to my ability to find matches. for fucks sake

[theygender]

I told myself that if I opened all the windows and lit incense I'd be okay but now I can't find any matches or lighters and I can't scream my frustrations while digging through every drawer in the house bc the windows are open. One of life's many trials

[selmasemlan]

Ultrared - A Todoroki Shoto FanFic

Series master list

This is a story about a girl, who finds herself in a world filled with all sorts of powerful creatures. Being powerless, she decides ti change the world and make it more peaceful and while she at it, she meets a quite prince that would do anything for her.

Pairing: Todoroki Shoto x Luna Aizawa (OFC)

Univers: Boku No Hero Academia/ My Hero Academy

Author note: Just like in "Epic Encounter" I will be mostly writing original plot that follows ish alone the plot. I will make changes here and there, cause it doesn't make sense to me that some characters stay the same with my oc as an addition to the story. I'm also in a away healing myself from the ending of the manga.

If you guys have any requests for this series, let me know. I'm open to everything.

Warning: angst, softness of soft, series situations and conversations, PTSD, mental health, betrayal, mention of abuse and harassment, mention of death

Info about the universe

Info about Luna

Justice Society info

Why some characters are called by their lastname?

The Story

During Luna´s childhood

The Birth of a Hero

Summary: Luna´s backstory and how her journey as a hero started

Unwavering Resolve

Summary: Bakugo gets a little nostalgic

During Endeavor Agency Arc

A Hero's Defiance

Summary: In the midst of a tense confrontation at a Tokyo nightclub, Luna, a quirkless hero, takes down a villain with fierce precision, shocks Japan's top heroes with her boldness, and leaves Todoroki in awe, sparking his resolve to win her heart.

Revelations and Resolutions

Summary: In the austere headquarters of the International Hero Commission, Endeavor and his interns face a stern reckoning for jeopardizing a critical mission, while Luna, now a seasoned and commanding hero, saves them from severe consequences, leaving Todoroki captivated by her strength and determined to win her heart.

An Unexpected Lesson

Summary: The international hero student, visit U.A. High to share the harsh realities of global hero work, leaving Class 1-A both humbled and inspired by their experiences.

Clash of Titans

Summary: Luna, a quirkless yet highly skilled fighter, faces off against Bakugo in a thrilling combat demonstration, showcasing her exceptional martial arts prowess and leaving Class 1-A in awe of her abilities.

A Quiet Moment Between Classes

Summary: Todoroki wants to know more about Luna and her past.

What I´m Fighting For

Summary: A reunion between childhood friends and a conversation about why Luna fights

Attempting to Get Closer

Summary: Todoroki tries to get closer to Luna, keyword: TRIES

Five Moments of Courage: Todoroki’s Efforts and Luna’s Unawareness

Summary: Todoroki continues trying to catch Luna´s attention, but Luna is unaware.

Heart of Ice and Fire

Summary: Endeavor doesn´t understand Todorokis admiration for Luna

Unspoken Truths

Summary: Mamoru has a talk with Luna about Todoroki and her feelings.

The Turning Point

Summary: Luna finds out about Todorokis past, realising that there is something there between them.

During Final War Arc

Of Battles and Unspoken Words

Summary: Before the war, Luna and Todoroki say goodbye to each other, with a lot of unsaid words

More coming soon......

[terrence-silver]

Luv luv luv your work❣️❣️ Can you write something about Terry coming home to beloved, specifically after finding out Chozen had lied to him. My heart hurt so much watching this episode, and I hate the narrative the show has taken that Terry’s suffering is vindicated and completely diminishing his mental health struggles/relapse. I’m just wondering how you think Terry reacted after finding out about Chozen lying? How would beloved react to Terry coming home in this state? I hate how Terry’s being shown with such little access to support systems and just want to hug him🥺 or better yet carry on the cobra kai legacy by giving him a kid lol

---

-"I gave him an easy test and he failed it!"-

Terry paces like tiger in a cage, back and forth and back and forth.

He supposed Sensei Joe was always suspicious, the moment he showed up in the dojo. Terry was no fool. Just the name alone; Sensei Joe. Pah! From the second he's heard that he felt someone was playing an elaborate joke on him. Then there was the fact that he was from Japan, appearing from thin air, out of nowhere, this master martial artist Terry has never heard of, never seen before, no ties to any known Sensei, any known school or dojo, any known pedigree, his team of researchers coming up with nothing but dead ends; almost like a plant he needed to uncover in his own midst and Terry was right to be paranoid. He was right to listen to his instincts. When they raised their glasses and instead of Kanpai, Sensei Joe declared a swift Karii, Terry knew with certainty, having caught him in a trap, the dance of manners, customs and pleasantries a sure way to give away cracks in anyone's facade. Terry knew when the hamo was served. Terry knew when all the inconsistencies in the narrative became apparent. Terry knew from day one. Pretense, by nature, though, had that uncanny ability to sting. Irony wasn't lost on him. He himself tended to sting a lot

Now, someone stinged him back and he didn't enjoy it.

-"Turns out, he came into this house --- my house, into my dojo --- to lie to me!"- Terry points a finger at his own chest for special emphasis, burning with cold indignity, halting suddenly in his tracks, catching sight of your regretful visage from where you were sitting on the couch, looking down at your own lap. -"Oh, Terry. I am so sorry."- You sigh, somber and apologetic. He looks at you. Truly looks at you, standing there in silence in front of the sofa. -"Do you love me?"- Terry chooses to blurt out. -"What?"- Your eyes shoot up towards him, surprised. Wide and glassy. Why were you surprised? Why did the question catch you off guard? Were you going to backstab him too? Rip his heart out? Terry takes a step forward, towards you, poignantly, with purpose. No bullshit. He had no patience for bullshit nowadays. No time for it. -"I asked, do you love me?"- He lowers his head, feeling himself grow impatient, looking down at you, speaking into his own chin, slowly, dragging out every word so you understand it alongside every nuanced and sound. Simple inquiry. Simple response. He's had a bad couple of weeks, culminating with a bad couple of days and a bad couple of hours. He needed to hear it from you, directly.

-"Of course I love you, Terry, what does this have to do with..."-

You stutter, reassuring. Talk is cheap.

Deeds are what matters.

Deeds make a man.

He reaches for one of the antique blades from the glass cabinet on the nearby wall on an impulse, opens it and removes the dagger from the sheet, tossing it aside, doing something that felt right in his heart of hearts. He hands it to you. Here. Fall on it. He almost wishes to demand. -"Cut yourself. Prove it."- Terry orders, not a trace of humor in his voice, watching you with your mouth agape, the steel shimmering cold in his hand. There's silence. For one moment. Two. Tentatively, fingers shaking, you take it from him, visibly frightened, looking at it, up and down, uncertain what to do with it. He watches you, intently. If you expressed the desire, well, he'd lounge it into his heart right now. He asked for so little in return. -"Your palm. Like someone giving an oath."- There it is, an instruction too. If you loved him so fucking much, what was a couple of drops of blood as proof? Nothing. Genuine lovers bleed for each other all the time. Marquis De Sade even famously said that love lacks spice without a little pain; a sentiment Terry wholeheartedly agreed with. -"And look at me as you do it. I want to see your eyes."- The windows to the soul. He practically purrs, finding an odd light in your gaze, like a distant twinkling star. Could've been just the tears.

And then you dig the tip of the Ming dynasty ritual dagger into your forefinger.

The cut drips brilliant crimson with gentle skin punctured.

Within a moment, he sits beside you, taking the knife out of your hands.

Cutting his entire palm without thinking. He's had worse.

-"I want your blood mingled with mine."- Terry wastes not a second as he presses the hot, fresh gash against your open hand, smearing it there, hearing you gasp once he squeezes you in a vice grip; anything, just about anything, to connect himself to you, in irrefutable ways. Use pomp, circumstance, blood magic, voodoo, hoodoo, spellcraft, if need be, to tie you to him. To ensure you'd never leave. Render you incapable, bound by some invisible force, not that he was ever a superstitious man, but goddammit, at this point, after dear John, Chozen Toguchi and after everything else, if witchcraft was what it took, then so be it. -"Yes, just like that."- He whispers, warm against your flesh, speaking into your ear. He feels you shiver. Frozen. He can take people's betrayal. He can take it. He can take it a thousand times so long as you remain steadfast and devoted. -"I want..."- Terry trails off, using his lips to brush away a trickling tear from the side of your cheek. -"...your blood mingled with mine here."- The knife long since discarded, dirtied scarlet on the Persian carpet, undoubtedly leaving a stain his staff can ponder tomorrow, Terry sets his other free hand on your belly. The softness of your stomach. Your womb.

People have been testing him, having him, taking him for a fool.

Trespassing on him, weaving falsehoods.

Using him; toying with him.

He needed something real.

Something substantial.

And if you loved him, you'd give it to him, and yourself, forever.

After all, you were under oath to him.

[hersheythecure]

There's a pit in my stomach I must tend to.

Today feels like depression.

How can I see the bright side?

My mind fears my death.

.

Hey. You feel uneasy and afraid because of the trauma and the chemicals it's releasing in us. Because of what happened to you, not just in the present but in your past. When are you from? How can I help you? What is hurting you today? What are you afraid to say?

I don't want to die.

Hmm. Okay. Would it help if we went away? If we went where we could get some help? Today we see our new psych. Maybe we can change medications and see how that helps. But then it'll take time and doing that alone isnt the best idea. It's best to be monitored.

How will we make sure things get done for the house next week if we're in the hospital¿ we can't drop the balls. There's so much to do. I'm overwhelmed.

What have we said in the past?

There will be things to do regardless. Take care of yourself first. Everything else can wait. We're a great problem solver so we will figure it out. Dint worry about anyone else. You matter. I love you. I know you. I hear you and feel you.

Ahhh the hospital. The fear that they will tra sfer you to a veteran hospital against your will. Even when you aren't a danger to yourself or others. Maybe let's call the hospital and ask them if they have beds first and what is their policy on veterans. If they automatically transfer them to the VA or what. That will help us know what to do next. I know it's scary. We just got abused at a mental health facility. I'm so sorry. So very sorry.

Mother Mary is wailing wondering what we have done to deserve this. Why does God hate her so much. Why does God want her to feel this crushing pain in her chest. In her soul. Why did he abandon me.

Oooooo that's good. Let's grab at that piece.

Why did he abandoned me.

Who has abandoned you MM?

My papa , my husband's, my friends.

Yea. I'm so sorry. We were just born into this moment in time my love and we're doing our best. With everything we're all individually feeling and experiencing. It's so much.

Keep in my our chemical imbalance from mass trauma is affecting our perception of reality. By that I mean we're extra sad because the seratonin is I'm this bijhhhh. So know that it feels heavy because our medication regimen is no longer fit for tye Cycle our body is in. Let's advocate for that today without psych. We need help with the major depressive disorder especially going into these coming months. If we can get something to help us have a littleess feel bad chemicals maybe we can benefit from the feel good chemicals. It will take some time.

Yea it's gonna affect out ability to get into the ptsd program if we check in now. Let's look at our options today. See how we can use resources to be a support for us while we are alone.

Maybe every night we can call the WARM LINE and vent. And ask them if they can email us a transcript. It's hard to write when we're in distress. Let's find out if that's possible today.

Your son loves you. He won't hate you. You're doing your best and trying ti stay alive for him. It's pretty hard to. But you're doing it. Even if you don't make it, someone knows how much you love him and hopefully someday he will see it.

We've got to write our will. He cannot be shown anything until he's 33. 5 years to live with his fully developed brain and develop skills to manage his mental to be able to withstand the force that I am. My thoughts. My life. Maybe that'd still too early. Maybe 45. Where he's learned more about life and his mind is solid enough to process and hold who I am. I don't want to ruin his life with my trauma and pain. I don't want him to feel bad because he did not know what I went through.

You do not want to cause him pain. So stay so you may decipher you to him. Only you know who you are and why you are and only you can teach him how to navigate this. No one in his family goes to therapy to better themselves and they will hurt him with their insensitive words. You've gotta stay. Please let me help you find your will to live.

It's 2024, we're in GA. We did everything to secure stable housing for our son. We got onto the MICUM program and started our track to getting back into the civilian world. It took almost a year of begging for help but we did. I know you're angry about that because how dare they hurt my human. But we redirected that anger with the help of our wonderful brain and the universe sending information to us. We did our best with our physical condition. We had a partner that helped but needed help too, but didn't take any of what was available to him as a support for a veteran with ptsd. Now I know it is because he did not want to get discovered for who he truly is. I sometimes wonder the pain his brain must be in. Focus. EMDR. It's going to be okay. We've got things to do today. I love you.

[be-gay-do-heists]

hello yall :) the holy month of elul started last night, which is typically a time for contemplation, so since it is impossible for me to stop thinking about leverage, i decided to write an essay. hope anyone interested in reading it enjoys, and that it makes at least a little sense!! spoilers for leverage redemption

-----

Leverage, Judaism, and “Doing the Work”: An Essay for Elul

When it comes to Elul and the approaching High Holidays, Leverage might seem like an odd topic to meditate on.

The TNT crime drama that ran from 2008-2012, and which released a new season this summer following its renewal, centers on a group of found-family thieves who help the victims of corporations and oligarchs (sometimes based on real-world examples), using wacky heists and cons to bring down the rich and powerful. In one episode, the team’s clients want to reclaim their father’s prized Glimt piece that had been stolen in the Shoah and never returned, but aside from this and the throwaway lines and jokes standard for most mainstream television, there’s not a ton textually Jewish about Leverage. However, despite this, I have found that the show has strong resonance among Jewish fans, and lots of potential for analysis along Jewish themes. This tends to focus on one character in particular: the group’s brilliant, pop culture-savvy, and personable hacker, Alec Hardison, played by the phenomenally talented Aldis Hodge.

I can’t remember when or where I first encountered a reading of Hardison as Jewish, but not only is this a somewhat popular interpretation, it doesn’t feel like that much of a leap. In the show itself, Hardison has a couple of the aforementioned throwaway lines that potentially point to him being Jewish, even if they’re only in service of that moment’s grift. It’s hard to point to what exactly makes reading Hardison as Jewish feel so natural. My first guess is the easy way Hardison fits into the traditional paradigms of Jewish masculinity explored by scholars such as Daniel Boyarin (2). Most of the time, the hacker is not portrayed as athletic or physical; he is usually the foil to the team’s more physically-adept characters like fighter Eliot, or thief Parker. Indeed, Hardison’s strength is mental, expressed not only through his computer wizardry but his passions for science, technology, music, popular media, as well as his studious research into whatever scenario the group might come up against. In spite of his self-identification as a “geek,” Hardison is nevertheless confident, emotionally sensitive, and secure in his masculinity. I would argue he is representative of the traditional Jewish masculine ideal, originating in the rabbinic period and solidified in medieval Europe, of the dedicated and thoughtful scholar (3). Another reason for popular readings of Hardison as Jewish may be the desire for more representation of Jews of color. Although mainstream American Jewish institutions are beginning to recognize the incredible diversity of Jews in the United States (4), and popular figures such as Tiffany Haddish are amplifying the experiences of non-white Jews, it is still difficult to find Jews of color represented in popular media. For those eager to see this kind of representation, then, interpreting Hardison, a black man who places himself tangential to Jewishness, in this way is a tempting avenue.

Regardless, all of the above remains fan interpretation, and there was little in the text of the show that seriously tied Judaism into Hardison’s identity. At least, until we got this beautiful speech from Hardison in the very first episode of the renewed show, directed at the character of Harry Wilson, a former corporate lawyer looking to atone for the injustice he was partner to throughout his career:

“In the Jewish faith, repentance, redemption, is a process. You can’t make restitution and then promise to change. You have to change first. Do the work, Harry. Then and only then can you begin to ask for forgiveness. [...] So this… this isn’t the win. It’s the start, Harry.”

I was floored to hear this speech, and thrilled that it explained the reboot’s title, Leverage: Redemption. Although not mentioned by its Hebrew name, teshuvah forms the whole basis for the new season. Teshuvah is the concept of repentance or atonement for the sins one has committed. Stemming from the root shuv/shuva, it carries the literal sense of “return.” In a spiritual context, this usually means a return to G-d, of finding one’s way back to holiness and by extension good favor in the eyes of the Divine. But equally important is restoring one’s relationships with fellow humans by repairing any hurt one has caused over the past year. This is of special significance in the holy month of Elul, leading into Rosh haShanah, the Yamim Noraim, and Yom Kippur, but one can undertake a journey of redemption at any point in time. That teshuvah is a journey is a vital message for Harry to hear; one job, one reparative act isn’t enough to overturn years of being on the wrong side of justice, to his chagrin. As the season progresses, we get to watch his path of teshuvah unfold, with all its frustrations and consequences. Harry grows into his role as a fixer, not only someone who can find jobs and marks for the team, but fixes what he has broken or harmed.

So why was Hardison the one to make this speech?

I do maintain that it does provide a stronger textual basis for reading Hardison as Jewish by implication (though the brief on-screen explanation for why he knows about teshuvah, that his foster-parent Nana raised a multi-faith household, is important in its own merit, and meshes well with his character traits of empathy and understanding for diverse experiences). However, beyond this, Hardison isn’t exactly an archetypical model for teshuvah. In the original series, he was the youngest character of the main ensemble, a hacking prodigy in the start of his adult career, with few mistakes or slights against others under his belt. In one flashback we see that his possibly first crime was stealing from the Bank of Iceland to pay off his Nana’s medical bills, and that his other early hacking exploits were in the service of fulfilling personal desires, with only those who could afford to pay the bill as targets. Indeed, in the middle of his speech, Hardison points to Eliot, the character with the most violent and gritty past who views his work with the Leverage team as atonement, for a prime example of ongoing teshuvah. So while no one is perfect and everyone has a reason for doing teshuvah, this question of why Hardison is the one to give this series-defining speech inspired me to look at his character choices and behavior, and see how they resonate with a different but interrelated Jewish principle, that of tikkun olam. 

Tikkun olam is literally translated as “repairing the world,” and can take many different forms, such as protecting the rights of vulnerable people in society, or giving tzedakah (5). In modern times, tikkun olam is often the rallying cry for Jewish social activists, particularly among environmentalists for whom literally restoring the health of the natural world is the key goal. Teshuvah and tikkun olam are intertwined (the former is the latter performed at an interpersonal level) and both hold a sense of fixing or repairing, but tikkun olam really revolves around a person feeling called to address an injustice that they may have not had a personal hand in creating. Hardison’s sense of a universal scale of justice which he has the power to help right on a global level and his newfound drive to do humanitarian work, picked up sometime after the end of the original series, make tikkun olam a central value for his character. This is why we get this nice bit of dialogue from Eliot to Hardison in the second episode of the reboot, when the latter’s outside efforts to organize international aid start distracting him from his work with the team: “Is [humanitarian work] a side gig? In our line of work, you’re one of the best. But in that line of work… you’re the only one, man.” The character who most exemplifies teshuvah reminds Hardison of his amazing ability to effect change for the better on a huge stage, to do some effective tikkun olam. It’s this acknowledgement of where Hardison can do the most good that prompts the character’s absence for the remainder of the episodes released thus far, turning his side gig into his main gig.

With this in mind, it will be interesting to see where Hardison’s arc for this season goes. Separated from the rest of the team, the hacker still has remarkable power to change the world, because it is, after all, the “age of the geek.” However, he is still one person. For all that both teshuvah and tikkun olam are individual responsibilities and require individual decision-making and effort, the latter especially relies on collective work to actually make things happen. Hardison leaving is better than trying to do humanitarian work and Leverage at the same time, but there’s only so long he can be the “only one” in the field before burning out. I’m reminded of one of the most famous (for good reason) maxims in Judaism:

It is not your duty to finish the work, but neither are you free to neglect it. (6)

Elul is traditionally a time for introspection and heeding the calls to repentance. After a year where it’s never been easier to feel powerless and drained by everything going on around us, I think it’s worth taking the time to examine what kind of work we are capable of in our own lives. Maybe it’s fixing the very recent and tangible hurts we’ve left behind, like Harry. Maybe it’s the little changes for the better that we make every day, motivated by our sense of responsibility, like Eliot. And maybe it’s the grueling challenge of major social change, like Hardison. And if any of this work gets too much, who can we fall back on for support and healing? Determining what needs repair, working on our own scale and where our efforts are most helpful, and thereby contributing to justice in realistic ways means that we can start the new year fresh, having contemplated in holiday fashion how we can be better agents in the world.

Shana tovah u’metukah and ketivah tovah to all (7), and may the work we do in the coming year be for good!

------

(1) Disclaimer: everybody’s fandom experiences are different, and this is just what I’ve picked up on in my short time watching and enjoying this show with others.

(2) See, for example, the introduction and first chapter of Boyarin’s book Unheroic Conduct: The Rise of Heterosexuality and the Invention of the Jewish Man (I especially recommend at least this portion if you are interested in queer theory and Judaic studies). There he explores the development of Jewish masculinity in direct opposition to Christian masculine standards.

(3) I might even go so far as to place Hardison well within the Jewish masculine ideal of Edelkayt, gentle and studious nobility (although I would hesitate to call him timid, another trait associated with Edelkayt). Boyarin explains that this scholarly, non-athletic model of man did not carry negative associations in the historical Jewish mindset, but was rather the height of attractiveness (Boyarin, 2, 51).

(4) Jews of color make up 20% of American Jews, according to statistics from Be’chol Lashon, and this number is projected to increase as American demographics continue to change: https://globaljews.org/about/mission/. 

(5) Tzedakah is commonly known as righteous charity. According to traditional authority Maimonides, it should be given anonymously and without embarrassment to the person in need, generous, and designed to help the recipient become self-sufficient.

(6) Rabbi Tarfon, Pirkei Avot, 2:16

(7) “A good and sweet year” and “a good inscription [in the Book of Life]”

[dimonds456]

*sees your tags about being salty about suf spinel*

YOU CAN'T JUST SAY THAT AND NOT SHARE YOUR SALT /LH

Okay, but I'm warning you, you asked for it.

LONG POST WARNING.

LIKE A REALLY, REALLY LONG POST WARNING.

Dimonds456 Presents: How They Did My Baby Dirty: An SUTM and SUF Analysis on Steven and Spinel (Told by a Progressively More and More Angry Narrator)

THE CONTEXT: There was a post talking about how you think a character will fix everything, but then they wind up making it works. My tags were "#*looks at suf spinel* #I am still salty about that like the bitch I am fghdjskgfa"

Grab some water, guys.

Let's start by talking about Steven for a moment. In the original show, when we were following him as a 12-14-year-old, we watched as he built up trauma and then learned how to hide it expertly well, to the point that most of the audience didn't even realize he was struggling.

You can actually pinpoint the seconds he makes those decisions, too. The best example is in "The Test," when he's storming up to the gems. He's pissed. His fists are clenched, he's got that anime eye shadow overlay on his face, he's frowning, all that. the Crystal Gems are clapping for him and lying to his face, and he KNOWS they are because he overheard them talking about how it was "impossible for him to fail" that test (- Garnet).

And yet... he also overheard them saying that they're just trying their best. They don't know what he needs. They never really have. No one is sure. So, Steven realizes that by picking a fight, he would just be making it worse for them because they would know they messed up, and nothing gets solved, and everyone gets more depressed and Amethyst and Pearl go back to fighting each other and- well, you get the picture. He doesn't have a full understanding of what's going on, so his kid brain went "so I can either be angry at them and cause problems, or I can tell them I did a good job to make them happy."

"I can lie to make them happy."

He storms down there angry, still mulling this decision over. He drops to the floor, frowning and pissed, and says "I can't believe you guys." He is so close to yelling at them, and yet, when he looks up at them...

"That was so... INSANE!"

You never would have been able to tell. It was right there. That moment. And then he never stops. For the ENTIRE REST of the series, he NEVER STOPS. He puts the Crystal Gems above himself every time. Think Rose's Scabbard, The Message, The Return/Jailbreak. The Cluster. Peridot. Dealing with Jasper. The zoo arc (ESPECIALLY the zoo arc). Aquamarine. Then pretty much the entirety of Season 5.

(NOTE: I went back and rewatched that scene for the screenshot. There is a blink-and-you'll-miss-it lip tremble in there too! D,: )

He lives for the people around him, and not for himself. Almost never for himself.

Put a pin in that.

Now, let's look at his maturity. People thought that was just him being mature, right? That he grew up. No. That was not it at all. He was learning from his own behaviors as well as the people around him, and building up this idea that he had to "fight to be everything that everyone wants [him] to be when [he's] grown" (- Steven, the extended intro).

Yes, he matured, but not because of that. He started making various decisions to benefit the group that oftentimes he wasn't fully comfortable with, but something he believed would be better for everyone.

Put a pin in that.

Then, later in Future, we see it all manifest. He is selfless to a fault, to the point that he can't think of himself in a positive light in the sense that he's good. We see it a couple of times, but especially in "Prickly Pair," when he vents to Cactus Steven about everything that happened. He feels useless, which is taking a toll on his mental health.

"Why do I need to be needed?" He needs to be needed because that's everything he was as a kid. His entire IDENTITY rests on his ability to help other people, no matter what happens to him. He literally sacrificed himself for them countless times (the big one of course being the Aquamarine incident), and now as a teenager, his whole sense of self is wrapped up in this need to get up and do something to make the world better.

And when he can't make the world better, his world falls apart.

Put a pin in that.

Now, let's talk about Spinel, the moment we've all been waiting for.

Spinel, as a gem, was made specifically to be a friend. That is her niche, and her purpose. Her reason for existing. At first, she and Pink Diamond got along very well, as shown in the flashbacks right before Drift Away plays (I headcanon she has illusion powers and was literally projecting her trauma, but that's a completely different post).

She and Pink vibed together for who knows how long, until one day, Pink started to not like being around Spinel anymore, finding her annoying and childish. We don't know what really caused the switch, just that it did happen (but of course, I have headcanons for that, too). Spinel never realized until it was FAR too late.

Steven actually describes his younger self as annoying at one point during the Diamond Days arc, when he decides to throw the ball, so I'm legally allowed to make this comparison.

Steven and Spinel were the SAME. They were both young and dumb, and something that at least a few people found annoying. People put up with their BS though, since they cared about them. But, while Steven realized this and matured because of it (or bottled up his emotions, to each their own), Spinel never did. She never matured. She was never given a chance.

In the movie, we saw her as a child, and watched as she played with Pink and never tried to be or do anything else, to the point that Pink Diamond thought to realize she might be struggling (and maybe Spinel didn't, either!).

She lives for the people around him, and not for herself. Almost never for herself.

And when she can't be friends with this one person, her world falls apart.

Sound familiar? It should. I literally pulled from things I said earlier lol.

Spinel and Steven are mirror reflections of each other. Reset!Spinel is 14-year-old Steven, completely devoting her entire self to one idea. Steven's was helping others no matter what, Spinel's was serving Pink no matter what. Spinel is like a combination of 14 and 12-year-old Steven in this sense, honestly. Goofy, without a care in the world, except one thing: the people around her. She would do anything for Pink, just as Steven would do anything for his family.

Now, Pink Diamond left Spinel. We all know this story. She left Spins there in the garden for 6,000 years because she grew more mature and started a rebellion, effectively forgetting about this one gem she kinda stopped caring about standing there.

Personally, I don't think Pink had any malicious or even intentional intent in that, but this ain't about her. This is about how Spinel continued to sacrifice herself for Pink, even when Pink didn't need her to anymore. She wanted to please Pink 24/7, all day every day, to the point she self-sacrificed and stood perfectly still for her for millenia.

Now, back to Steven. The gems don't need him anymore in Future, right? They've all grown up and matured and headed off towards their own futures, effectively stranding him alone in terms of self-identity and self-worth. But he stays there, ready to assist at the drop of a hat, or- in Future's case- the call of a phone.

Episode 6 anyone? The one everyone says shouldn't be in Future? That it should have been cut to allow more focus on Steven himself? The fusion episode? YEAH. THAT. He is running himself RAGGED to try and help others, to give himself a purpose. He is self-sacrificing. (He's a professional, don't worry. /j)

Steven metaphorically planted his feet down and decided that he was going to devote himself to the people around him.

Spinel's feet were literally tied down soon after she made that very same decision.

Okay, enough with the backstory. Time for the salt.

In Future, Steven is at his lowest low. He is running to the Diamonds for help, to see if there is SOMETHING they can do to help him. And we first see Spinel.

Spinel has been through the ringer on a lot of the same mental problems Steven himself is facing. She self-isolated, watched as everyone grew up and left her, and then began to lash out because of it. She understands what he's going through. We even see her concerned as Steven starts to tell her why he's there.

Spinel takes him from Diamond to Diamond, until he's running out of White's room in a blind panic. Spinel is able to catch up with him, and Steven realizes the same. SHE GETS IT. He turns around and says "Hey, you used to have vengeful thoughts!"

Spinel replies "Ohhhhh yeah, but I don't have 'em anymore."

"How did you make them stop?"

She then goes on to sing Change to him, effectively cutting that conversation short.

On paper, that sounds very in-character for her. She's goofy! And that is what worked for her! But the problem is that they had to dumb her down in order to make that character decision work. In the movie, she was shown to be observant and able to put two and two together, even if she often jumps to conclusions (see her being the one to figure out that the gems needed to remember their "pieces," as she remembers the Garden, her re-realizing what Pink did, and her meltdown later when she reactivates the injector).

Spinel is smart. It should have been in character for her to realize that Steven was panicking just as she had been, and needed to be talked to gently. But no. Instead, she starts belting out Change, which given Steven's situation, would not work for him.

At the very least, she would have started doing little tricks or started trying to get him to join a game, which would have taken his mind off of it (to her anyways, that wouldn't have worked either), which then could have prompted further discussion.

Then, once they finally start talking, Spinel could have been able to share some legitimate advise. She was hurt and lashed out. What worked for her was opening up to others and letting them in, learning to trust again (which Steven also has problems with- he can't trust that the Gems won't break down the second he turns his back. Trust does NOT equal love, there is no doubt he loves them to no end), and allowing other people in.

That is what Steven needed, too. He needed to let his guard down and just talk to someone. Sure, Spinel was not going to be a fix-all, but she could have at least offered some insight on what to do.

She UNDERSTANDS him. They are a reflection of each other.

But instead of offering help, Spinel made it worse. She was dumbed down to allow the rest of Future to happen, to make Steven feel even worse. Because- and here's the kicker- because the one person who MIGHT understand him doesn't, that means there's no hope for him.

At least, that's how he sees it. And so, the denial- and "Everything's Fine"- begins.

Here's the thing, though; they DIDN'T NEED to make that decision. If the Crew wanted to have Spinel not understand Steven, then draw the line of her being a Gem from Era 1, used to the Diamonds shattering people.

Steven has killed Jasper and revived her at this point, so maybe Spinel offers that at least he's trying to get better, just like the other Diamonds! See, they're doing so great now! And then that makes him feel worse since he IS trying to do better, but is only failing, while the Diamonds- who were MADE to be nasty dictators- are doing better than him.

The Diamonds shattered a lot of people, and they're doing better than Steven, who has only shattered one person, and not even on purpose. How horrible is that?

Then boom. THERE'S your angst, with a much smarter, more helpful Spinel.

Look, I knew going in that Spinel wasn't going to be able to help. The finale had to happen somehow, and we hadn't seen Wormy Boi yet. I have always been a storng believer of the corrupted Steven theory, so I knew it was bound to happen. But I was hoping that Spinel would at least try. But she really didn't. She just brushed him off, offering really loose advise that didn't even fit his situation and thinking that would be enough.

No. It's not.

I can see where the Crew was coming from. I still love that episode, and I love seeing Spins in it (until that exact moment). This is probably the only thing in SU that genuinely gets me mad. Or, well, maybe not mad, but definitely annoyed and- you guessed it- salty.

I have an unfinished fic where I kinda delve into Spinel's head for that episode called "A New Start". If you really want my thoughts on where Spinel's head was at, there's a bit in there that really explains it. In the fic, Steven decides to rejuvenate himself and brings Spinel along with him, and that's all the context you need for this.

I cannot explain that moment in the climax of the episode, though. Maybe she thought it would make him feel better, or that maybe he really did just need to open his eyes and see the error of his ways (which doesn't make sense, he KNOWS what he did). Maybe she thought that being silly would help somehow.

But you'd think she'd learn from her time with Pink as she grew more annoyed with her, but apparently not. Or maybe she would realize for a second that being loud and annoying was bad. Or maybe she doesn't learn.

Either way, it- and she- was dumb. And they did my baby dirty.

*drops mic and walks away*

[blueskiestarot]

Hey, y'all! I hope everyone had a good weekend! So, this is a Pick A Pile reading. I haven't done these types of readings a whole lot but I thought I would try something new. Just choose what pile you feel drawn to. You can even pick more than one pile if you feel called to do so. Then, just scroll down for your pile! Let me know if you all like these types of readings or if you like the readings based on astrological sign better or if you have any suggestions of readings you would like to see from me. Thank you! I hope you enjoy your reading and please feel free to leave some feedback of what you thought of your pile and if it resonated with you!

Love, Tara

Welcome, Pile 1! You all chose the pile with what I believe is the Agate. You may have been drawn to this pile because you need to release some blockages in your life. The Agate is a very grounding stone and it helps balance your energy while connecting you to the Earth's energy. It has a very gentle, soothing nature. So, maybe you are in need of some gentle guidance and that is why you picked this pile!

Let's start with the Fool Reversed. This card can be seen in two ways. You may be holding yourself back by being too cautious or you may not be focusing on the right things and you are heading down a path that is not for your highest good. So, now is the time to stop and take a breather. Just take a moment to pause and look around at where you are right now. Is this the path that you truly want to be on and is it the best for you? Is this what will lead to true happiness in the future? The Fool is all about taking chances and choosing the path that feels joyous and happy. Don't allow yourself to be led down a path that does not feel right for you.

The next card I pulled for you is the Queen of Pentacles Reversed. So, right now, I think that you have a very "all work and no play" sort of attitude. You are very focused on working hard and making money. You don't really put your focus into much else. You may feel that by staying focused on your work life will help you feel successful but honestly, I feel like it's a coping mechanism and a way to feel safe and secure. Focusing on your work life keeps your mind busy and keeps it from straying to things that feel a little less safe. You may also be choosing careers that feel safe and secure instead of choosing a career that you really love. So, it's time to really reassess your priorities and remember that the universe will give you both passion and security as long as you don't doubt yourself and your ability to succeed.

Lastly, the 7 of Cups is about choosing what the next move will be. This is a card of choices. So, there is a very important choice coming to you within the next couple of weeks. I'm really getting career vibes from this pile but it could be something else as well. I just feel like some of you may be getting a career opportunities or multiple opportunities soon that you will have to choose from. It's important to figure out what choice is best for you. Make sure that you are focusing on what will make you the happiest. You don't want to be stuck with something that does not allow you to grow and evolve. Don't choose something that will make you miserable. Instead, focus on joy and passion when you make this choice.

Well, that concludes your pile! I hope you found this advice to be helpful. Please let me know what you thought of your pile and if this guidance resonated with you. Also, if you have any suggestions for future Pick A Pile readings, let me know!

Love, Tara

Pile number 2, you all chose the Rhodochrosite crystal! This is a crystal of unconditional love. This crystal connects to the heart chakra. So, you may have a blockage in your heart chakra or you may be having some difficulties with love, self-love, or relationships in your life and that is why you picked this pile.

So, I will start this off by saying that I do see someone new coming into your life. However, I don't think they are someone you expect or someone that is your "type". I just feel like this person is very different from anyone you have been interested in the past and you may feel like you never thought you would be interested in a person like this. I feel like with the Hierophant Reversed and the 4 of Pentacles, you are a kind of traditional and conservative person, especially in terms of relationships. You like to stick to the tried and true types of relationships. You have a very traditional view on relationships and there's nothing wrong with that. However, I do think that the universe and your spirit guides are trying to get you to be open to new things and new ways of thinking. Relationships are supposed to help us grow and evolve into the best possible version of ourselves. By sticking to the same type of person and the same type of relationships, you are never going to get that growth and healing that comes from a truly healthy relationship.

So, just prepare yourself for someone to enter your life that will challenge everything you have ever believed about love! While it may sound kind of scary, I think it's a very good thing. Rest assured that this is someone who is very committed to you and very loyal. However, I think they may challenge you to step forward and take the lead in the relationship sometimes. They will help you be more vocal about your wants and needs instead of just always trying to please others because they are so opinionated and they will challenge you to stand up to them when you want something. In return, you will help them be more compassionate and calm when it comes to helping other people. I'm getting a lot of Aries or Aquarius energy from this person.

Overall, I think this will be a very positive, healthy relationship once it gets going. They may just make you very nervous and unsure at first. So, just give it time and don't dismiss them too quickly because they aren't your usual type. I hope that guidance is helpful! Please let me know if this resonated with you and if you have any suggestions for future Pick A Pile topics.

Love, Tara

Pile 3, you chose my favorite crystal of all time, Larimar! So, this is a very soothing and calming stone. It is a crystal that soothes anxious minds and calms your soul. It helps you relax and find serenity. So, you may have chosen this pile if you have been worrying a lot lately and feeling very anxious.

The 9 of Swords Reversed does reflect those anxious thoughts. While you do still have anxiety and worries that you are dealing with, I feel that you have made a lot of progress lately in terms of coping. I feel that some of you have started therapy or counseling lately. For others, you may have started to talk to someone close to you like a friend or family member about these worries and that has helped you deal with and release them. Whatever it may be that you have been doing to help cope with these anxious thoughts, know that your spirit guides are right beside you cheering you on. I don't know why but I get the urge to tell you how proud your guides are. You have come such a long way and they have been by your side through it all. They see how strong you have become and you've done it all by yourself. All this progress you have made is because of your own strength and perseverance and that is something you should always take credit for. You are truly stronger than you realize and they don't want you to forget that.

The Devil Reversed suggests that you have let go of a lot of negative forces and toxic ties in your life. You have become aware of what causes negativity and what is causing your anxiety to become worse. With this knowledge, you have allowed yourself to let go of things that are not in your highest good and because of this, you are in a much better place now. While you still have things that you are dealing with and things that you are working on in regard to your mental health, you should take a second to stop and be proud of how far you have come. The Star suggests that it is safe for you to hope and dream. I feel that you are so close to achieving something that you have been hoping for or dreaming of. So, keep fighting and don't lose hope. Be proud of how far you have come and how much work that you have put into coping with your struggles. You are strong and you can handle anything life throws your way.

I really hope that you found this guidance helpful! Let me know if this pile resonated for you and if you have any suggestions for future Pick A Pile readings.

Love, Tara

For people who chose Pile 4, you chose the Ocean Jasper!

For people who chose Pile 4, you chose the Ocean Jasper! Ocean Jasper is a very supportive crystal. It helps you find peace after a particularly trying period in your life. So, if you have been going through some obstacles and challenges a lot lately, this is most definitely the pile for you and hopefully the following guidance will help you as you move forward.

So, for this pile, I'm getting two different messages - a love message and a career message. We'll start with the love message and then move on to the career message. Feel free to read both or just read the message you feel you need the most right now.

Love: For those who are experiencing a lot of obstacles in the love life right now, you are being urged to not give up on love just yet. I feel like a lot of you are close to giving up. You have been through relationship after relationship and they just haven't worked out. These could have been a series of f*ckboys or it could have been relationships that just didn't work out for whatever reason. Whatever the case may be, I do feel that you have been feeling very down about your love life and wondering if there is someone out there for you. Rest assured that there is!

I feel like you have recently come out of a difficult relationship or connection. Your spirit guides want you to know that this is the last difficult connection you will go through before you meet the person that is meant for you. Know that your person is right around the corner and you just needed one more challenge to teach you something valuable about yourself before you were ready to meet them. So, keep your head up and don't give up yet! They are coming. It's just a little bit longer. I feel that they are coming in quick. They will most likely come into your life when you least expect it or in a way that you don't expect. I just get an element of surprise here, like you won't see them coming. I feel that they are very passionate and outgoing. I definitely think they will be the one to make the first move and they won't be shy about letting you know that they are interested in you.

Career: For those who are starting to lose hope in their career, I do feel that you are right on the verge of an awesome opportunity. This is most likely a shot at your dream job or an opportunity to do something that you didn't expect but will end up absolutely loving. A lot of you have been on a rollercoaster lately when it comes to your career. It's been a lot of ups and downs and you have started to feel a little weary and tired of the drama, disappointment, and the setbacks. Know that all of that is coming to an end. You are coming out of a very challenging period and going into a much smoother, much more positive energy in your career. Your spirit guides want you to stay strong and persevere. You are so close to manifesting your dream opportunity. Keep focused on your passions, your goals, and what makes you feel happy and inspired. That will lead you on your correct path. Don't let the obstacles and the setbacks get you down. You are so close to the finish line, don't give up yet!

I truly hope that you can find some peace in this guidance and that this advice can help you as you move forward. Please let me know if this pile resonated with you and if you have any ideas for future Pick A Pile readings.

Love, Tara

[funkymbtifiction]

Is this an XXFJ 269 tritype thing or what?

I can't push people's perceptions and feelings and the humanitarian aspects of a situation away, ever. I'm thinking there's something wrong with me for it because the people around me who are very compassionate are still able to do it and resist the instinct to help people, or say "I know what you need and I have to help." They insist I am a 2w3, and I am okay with that (I probably am a 2 or a 6!), but everyone else, even the people I know who are also 2s are able to shut off their Fe when they need to. Like, right now, I'm studying for a class and finishing something, but I feel so so so guilty because someone might need my help and I'm not tending to them and I'm doing the wrong thing...

The self-judgement here is more 1ish than 3ish. In other words, this is 1w2/2w1 thinking, combined with being an EFJ, because you are judging yourself as "bad / wrong" for attending to your own needs and not those of other people. Yes, I would say this is 2 EFJ-ness. EFJs tend to think other people's problems are their problems, and it's their job to make other people happy, when the truth is -- it's not. EFJs have to learn to focus on themselves and their needs, while not seeing this as selfish but 'necessary' for their mental health and happiness. You cannot help anyone if you are worn out and stressed and have no sense of your own boundaries or those of other people. You need to start asking yourself, "Am I being rational right now?" (No.) "Is this mine to do?" (Often, it isn't.) "Am I being invasive?" (Sometimes, yes.) "Am I assuming others can't do it without me?" (Yes.) That is a 2 thought process and tendency, to rush in to help rather than letting others figure it out for themselves. What happens next is either you create dependent participants (who can't do it without you, reinforcing your belief of being desperately needed) or you create push-back, where people resent you for "interfering." Neither of which you want.

I would start by asking yourself questions whenever you start to feel anxious about not being helpful "enough." Where is this coming from? What is driving it? Why do you feel the need to help so much, even if you have OTHER things to do that are important for YOUR future (good grades)? Are you distracting yourself from what you are doing? Are you afraid that if you don't help, you will lose the relationship? Does it make you feel anxious to be by yourself, (not "connected" to someone else) and if you are helping other people, you aren't "alone"? What is the "wrong thing"? Where is this coming from? Were you raised in a household that emphasized that any self-care is selfish? Does your belief system or religion push you to be selfless or help others? If so, what is a reasonable amount of helping? Why are you doing this? Dive into Ti a bit and think about your motives.

This will be incredibly hard for you to hear, since it's going to rip apart your super-ego need to help, but -- most people can do things on their own, and don't need you to help them. Now, let that sit for a moment. What does this mean? Helping is optional and dependent on whether or not you can help (and they want / ask for your help) based on your time and abilities. Most people are not devastated if you say no, I can't do that for you today. It's only you who are being hard on yourself and judging yourself for taking time for yourself. I know it's hard to fight the guilt, but it's time to unpack the lies and use productive thinking instead of unproductive thinking. Not everything is mine to do -- so what is? What solutions can I find to my and my loved ones' immediate problems? Is this mine to fix? Are they asking for my help or do they just want me to listen and tell them it will be all right? You don't have to solve every problem, offer advice, or run yourself ragged for everyone you know.

How do people not feel an insane sense of duty and pressure to be beholden to people all the time?

They learn to set and respect appropriate boundaries. (And some of them are obsessive about other things -- for 3s, reaching their goals, for 8s, getting what they want, for 4s, over-identifying with their pain, etc.) Part of boundary setting is realizing what is your job or responsibility (it's not to take care of everyone) and setting your limit there. Just like 3s have to learn not to work themselves into exhaustion and unproductivity by not recognizing the limits of their own bodies and minds, 2s have to learn to recognize that it's not their job to look after everyone, and that it's okay to have your own needs. It's okay to be too tired to help (and not feel bad). It's okay to take a day off and disappear (without feeling guilt). It's okay to say no (they will find somebody else). It's okay to do your homework (and not be finishing other people's for them -- it's their grade, so it's their problem, and if they need that much help, they can find a tutor).

I don't do all of this to be loved like a 2 though, it's more because I feel like it's my duty and other people are counting on me and I have to be there for the people on my team.

2s don't know they are reaching for love, and are repulsed by the idea that they are helping for any kind of selfish reason, because that is the image they have constructed for themselves: that I am a helpful person, who does nice and good things for people. It's devastating to their ego to realize there's pride mixed in there, in the total belief that other people need me so desperately. By assuming they are needed, that they need to rush in and rescue people, they are elevating themselves to a higher place (that of the guardian / helper / parent) rather than on equal footing with those they help. It's painful for them to learn to admit this, that they elevate themselves through their "service" (oh, how sad... they need me!! they need me to buy their stuff or do their homework or champion their cause!).

[lovelyirony]

"a single thread of gold/tied me to you" for ironhusbands?💛

If there is one thing that James Rhodes cannot stand, it is “love at first sight.” In his professional and personal opinion, there is no such thing. It is simply a concept that Disney invented so they could make cutesy stories about princesses finding their princes immediately and give people hope about love, but in the end it is all about the money. 

“You’re a cynic,” his sister Jeanie tells him over breakfast. She flings a stray Cheerio at him. “You are a cynic and you’re never gonna date someone because they’re going to think you suck.” 

“People are going to date me and realize that I’m a good, realistic choice,” James responds, sticking his tongue out and stealing a drink of her orange juice. “People are going to date you and you’ll be disappointed because you watched too many romantic movies and you let it taint reality.” 

“Loser.” 

“Dork.” 

And then he’s in college. 

Surprisingly, he doesn’t meet Tony Stark for two years despite the fact that every single year, they live in the same building on different floors. He has had to evacuate about twenty different times because Tony cannot stop himself from doing experiments in his room. 

The third year, James is an RA and required to live with one of the residents because of “experimental tendencies.” They don’t elaborate on why he’s stuck with a roommate, what the tendencies are, or who he is. 

“You’ll know,” comes the email from the coordinator, and he has never wanted to curse so badly in an email before, but here he is. 

But he’ll deal with it. Just like how he’s going to deal with everything this year. 

-

He thought he would get the room to himself for a little while before everyone moved in and brought everything and he would check them in. 

But no. 

There’s his roommate, lounging on a bed, and grinning. 

“Simply enlightening to meet you, James. They told me I could come back if I had a trusted roommate.” 

“And they stuck you with me?” 

“Well they were going to stick me with some dude who got the email, and then immediately transferred to Dartmouth. So I think you were the second option.” 

“Great.” 

He hates life, maybe just a little bit. 

Tony wants to do things. Which is fine, but he isn’t really in the mood to have the conversation of the fact that he can do things, but he doesn’t want to do them. He has to focus on being an RA and preparing for the Air Force. 

“Why prepare for that when you could be living?” Tony asks, lounging on Rhodey’s bed. 

Oh yeah, that’s new too. Rhodey. Apparently, “Jim,” “James,” and “Rhodes” were unacceptable nicknames. 

What is acceptable is Rhodey. And of course, the “honey bunches of oats” and “loveliest RA of all time in the history of MIT” and “sugar-puff” and “sweetness overload” 

He’s responding to all of them, by the way. 

Rhodey didn’t think his mental health would get this bad by the beginning. He had actually scheduled it to be around October. 

- 

And then the students come. There are nervous freshmen, the sophomores who don’t say anything as they move in and get settled, and the returning juniors and seniors greet Rhodey and Tony with familiarity and laugh about the posters that Rhodey’s worked hard on. 

“So, we’re having joint-RA’s or something?” Miles asks, throwing his comforter over his bed. 

“No, we’re not,” Rhodey says, hoping his expression is somewhere along the lines of not-showing-emotion. “Tony’s just...” 

“I’m simply too exhausting for Housing to deal with anymore, so I have a babysitter,” Tony says with a wink. “And who better than our lovely Rhodey?” 

“Don’t call me that.” 

“Sugar-puff?” 

“Still no.” 

Miles snorts. 

“This year should be good. Tony, you gonna pull any fire alarms this year?” 

“Rhodey has expressly banned experiments in the building, unfortunately,” Tony sighs. “It’s like he doesn’t want everyone to bond over having to leave at two in the morning...” 

“Nothing says bonding like hating a rude wake-up call,” Rhodey says, and Tony nods. “We’ll let you get all moved in, Miles. Remember that floor dinner is at six!” 

“You got it!” 

Rhodey gives Tony a look. 

“You know, I can do this on my own.” 

“Aw shutterbug, I’m not gonna let you.” 

“Are you really this intent on following me around?” 

“Well, what if I want to overtake your position next year? What if you tragically get a raging headache and it’s up to me to know what to do? What if your mother kidnaps you and never lets you come here again?” 

“I’m sure the college kids will be fine,” Rhodey stresses. “And I’ll still have access to email and the groupchat, genius.” 

Tony just laughs. 

“Alright, okay. I gotta go get some shit for my new class. The teacher sent out an email stating that the textbook is mandatory, and we have to do book work. This feels like eighth grade all over again.” 

Rhodey snorts. 

“Is it for Professor Casper?” 

“Yeah, did you have him?” 

“Yeah, you don’t need the book. You can find it online for free, and he never collects the book work. It’s a waste of time to get the book.” 

“You’re an angel-and-a-half, love of my life,” Tony says. “And for that, I’ll snag an extra pudding for you at the dining hall.” 

“Is it vanilla or chocolate this time?” 

“Chocolate with cookies in it.” 

“Oh my god, seriously? Already?” 

“Guess they must have had a jump,” Tony teases. “I’ll see you at dinner.” 

- 

Tony has a specific way of getting people to open up and actually talk with others that Rhodey envies. 

If Tony wasn’t so hellbent on convincing the group that if Miles and Kamala create a distraction, they could totally sneak out one of the pictures of the mascot. 

“We are not doing that the first week,” Rhodey says. “Maybe the last.” 

“It’s a beaver,” Tony whines. “Who’s gonna miss it, a Canadian?” 

“It’ll be the floor bonding activity,” Gwen says, finishing off her fifth (maybe sixth) slice of pizza. “Better than talking about your feelings about the campus or whatever.” 

“No.” 

“We’ll convince him soon,” Tony whispers conspiratorially. “Also, who here is a freshman? I have some advice regarding the math classes and which teacher you want...” 

- 

Rhodey does have to admit, that sometimes it’s easier to have Tony around, who is so willing to stay up until the late hours because of some stupid drama or to help Peter at his chemistry homework and also ease his anxiety about leaving his Aunt May all alone. 

Tony isn’t all wild and crazy as stories have led him up to be. 

"I wore out all my crazy freshman year after going to two frat parties and deciding that no one knew anything about how to have fun,” he declared. “I mean, come on. Why have beer pong when you could quiz people about obscure fashion facts?” 

Rhodey snorts. 

“Don’t make that the next game night. Hey, what do you think about having a movie night this Friday? I’m thinking something not scary, we’ve been doing a lot of those.” 

“It is October, what do you mean not scary?” 

“Some of our residents don’t like scary,” Rhodey reminds him. “Honestly, I think we could do with a bit of Halloween fun.” 

“Hocus Pocus? Double Double, Toil and Trouble? If you want to be slightly scared of old women and clown parties, I’d recommend it.” 

“You weren’t scared of clowns beforehand?” 

“Of course not, I wanted what they have; the ability to fit eighteen people in a car.” 

“Couldn’t you just gut the car?” 

“Not the same effect, honey-pie. Not the same effect.” 

Miles and Peter both end up lobbying for Hocus Pocus, with little to no competition other than a promise that the other choice would be shown later on in the semester. 

They’ve shoved all the chairs together and multiple people have brought out their own chairs, and Tony saves a seat for Rhodey under the premise of “Rhodey organized it, he gets a seat.” 

It’s a tough squeeze, and Tony and Rhodey get all tangled up together. 

Tony smells like expensive cologne and coffee, and he grins up at Rhodey and maybe the lights from the TV aren’t bright enough, but for a moment his heart skips a beat. 

Well. Shit. 

When he goes home for Thanksgiving break, Tony seems a bit...sad. 

“What, your mom cook the worst turkey in the world?” he jokes. 

"Sure,” Tony says, eyes unfocused. “Yeah.” 

"Dude, you okay?” 

“Yeah,” Tony says, turning. His smile brightens, eyes crinkling. “Why wouldn’t I be fine, buttercup?” 

Rhodey gives him a look. 

“I’m gonna call you when I get home, okay? You better answer.” 

“I always answer to you,” Tony says, and damn Rhodey’s mind shouldn’t be going where it is. 

Rhodey waves, gets in his car, and thinks about how Tony most likely has a problem on his mind, how he should probably not room with him, and his Aunt Ada’s green beans. 

God, he loves those green beans. 

- 

Tony is alone for Thanksgiving. Jarvis and Ana got an opportunity to visit Aunt Peggy in England, and he knew that they hadn’t seen her in two years. He didn’t want to be selfish, have them stay just for him. 

So, it looked like deli turkey sandwiches were in his future. If there’s still some soda in the fridge, maybe that too. 

He sighs, and turns towards the lab. Dum-E’s not even here, as he didn’t fit in the travel car, so Tony let him loose on the floor to “keep guard” over the dorms and make sure that no one broke in or stole the cords that he knows he accidentally left in the common room. 

The odd thing is, he had almost told Rhodey. Almost let him know that he’d be alone for Thanksgiving, but is that weird? That’s weird, right? To tell people your emotions just...it’s so messy. 

They have to deal with it, you have to deal with the fact that they’re dealing with it, and then other people know that you both are dealing with it and it’s just a whole mess of epic proportions, you know? 

-

Rhodey finds out on Thanksgiving, when they’re doing the parade on the TV and there’s a new snippet on the gossip channel when they go on commercial break. 

Howard and Maria Stark, vacationing off the Mediterranean Coast. 

“It’s reported that Tony Stark has preferred to spend his time in the vacation home,” the news reporter said, her smile wide and placid. 

“Tony’s lucky,” Mama says, wrapping golden yarn around her fingers as she works on another sweater. (A small one, a tiny one. It’s for the new baby in the family for Christmas.) “He tell you about it?” 

“He’s not there,” Rhodey says numbly. 

“He’s not?” Dad says, eyes raised over the newspaper. 

“No.” 

“He didn’t tell you, did he?” Dad asks. 

“No, no he didn’t.” 

“Well then. Next time he’ll come with us.” 

Rhodey nods. 

“Christmas?” 

“Clear it with his parents if they’re not spending time together.” 

“Got it.” 

- 

Rhodey’s Thanksgiving is...nice. He can’t stop thinking about Tony going alone. 

So he calls him. It’s two in the morning, he might be asleep, and Rhodey’s not sure if he got the “eight” in the last four digits right or not. 

“Howard’s out, who is it?” comes a sleep-addled voice. 

“Good thing I’m not looking for Howard, Tones.” 

“Rhodey? Why are you calling me?” Tony asks, and Rhodey can imagine his eyes lighting up and that’s...that’s something. 

“You spent Thanksgiving alone, I wanted to see how you were.” 

“Aw, checking in your residents?” 

“Checking in on you.” 

Tony stills for a moment at the phone. 

Besides Jarvis, no one had ever really checked in on him. 

“Um, I’m fine?” 

“You sure?” 

“Yeah. I mean, it sucks to be alone on Thanksgiving, but I don’t really like any of the foods that people usually have, so I’ve been fine. I ordered wraps from my favorite place.” 

“Good to hear, good to hear.” 

There’s a silent pause for a moment, the one where they both try to find something to say. 

“Listen,” Rhodey says. “If you’re ever stuck for a holiday alone, you’re coming with me, okay?” 

“I don’t want to intrude on your family,” Tony says softly. 

“They all wanna meet you. Jeanie says she can kick your ass at ice hockey!” 

“You guys can actually play ice hockey?” 

“With limited degrees of success.” 

“Oh, now that I gotta see some time.”

- 

They come back to college, and Tony is back to his usual antics, greeting everyone who comes through the elevator with a shower of shredded paper. 

“Welcome to Winter Wonderland! Next stop: suffering through finals!” 

“Ugh,” Kamala groans, “stop it. Stop making me think. I have to memorize Byronic poetry. Do you know how boring that is?” 

"Speak for yourself, I have to build a wooden chair,” Riri whines. “Who works with wood these days? It’s so old-fashioned.” 

“Create the most bitching chair alive,” Tony says. “And I’ll help you with the necessary tools. Your professor isn’t expecting much, mainly just that it can support the weight of two people, you’ll be fine. Kam, Byronic poetry is not that bad, you will be good. We will bake cookies.” 

“Can we even bake cookies? I thought our floor got banned from kitchen usage,” Peter says. “Hey Rhodey.” 

“Hey kiddo,” Rhodey says. “First of all, yes we are banned from the kitchen. Second, we’re only banned and get in trouble so long as they know we’re there. And since more than half of us are nocturnal creatures and I am willing to wake up to help, we can bake cookies.” 

There are cheers around the room, and Tony mocks offense. 

“You don’t trust me to help the future youth?” 

“Given that we’re not allowed to rent out any more equipment from the front office? Yes.” 

“You wound me, darling.” 

“Only as much as kitchen equipment goes, sweetheart.” 

Tony grins. 

“Aw, you missed me.” 

“Yeah, I did. Now come on, you gotta help me with a billboard about the movie night this Friday. We thinking a romantic comedy or something mildly terrifying but probably won an award?” 

“Mildly terrifying!” Gwen calls from her dorm. “If we watch two people falling in love I’ll choke! We’ve been doing it all year!” 

“We’ve only watched, like, three rom-coms?” 

Gwen rolls her eyes, as if he’s missed something completely obvious. 

“You don’t get it. I’ll try again later. Hey, are we doing floor dinner tonight?” 

“They’re serving pizza sandwiches, so obviously,” Tony says. “We will feast like kings.” 

- 

Christmas is a festive time for Tony. He loves it, and goes overboard with decorations. Rhodey lets him, because you can’t stop Tony once he loves something (and Rhodey is kind of. Fond of him). 

Pepper comes up from the fifth floor, whistling. 

“Damn, Jim. I knew you would do a good job with decorations, but not this good. Is this...did you buy a miniature village? How was this budgeted?” 

“It wasn’t,” Rhodey says. “Tony’s really into Christmas and the floor convinced him that the theme should be Christmas Village. He’s been crafting identities for each villager instead of studying for any exam. The craft store employees know him by name now.” 

“Well, we all have our vices. You two seem to get along well. Housing is pleased that he hasn’t blown up anything yet.” 

“If they try to serve cheese ravioli again, he might.” 

“That’s a problem for Dining,” Pepper reminds him.  

“Still, it’s abominable. Where did they get them, bottom of the Hudson River?” 

She snorts, adjusting her shirt. 

“Probably, but hey. They still got eaten, even if that one freshman threw them all back up at the entrance.” 

“It was payback, they were vile.” 

Tony waltzes into the lobby, arms filled with glittering tinsel. 

“We are not letting you hang that,” Pepper says, gaping at it all. “Do you know how hard it is to get rid of tinsel?”

“We’ll manage!” Tony says. “Also, are you free at six-thirty?” 

“No, that’s when we’re getting dinner on my floor, what do you need?” 

“Just that little tidbit of knowledge,” Tony says, looking down at his phone. 

A message buzzes from the groupchat, and Rhodey glances at it: 

We are a go for the real Christmas tree. I have the vacuum, and a believable lie. Rhodey’s gonna tell us when the RA on duty is gonna come so we can hide it. 

Rhodey looks at Tony, grinning. He smiles right back. 

“Is there some weird roommate telekinesis I’m missing here?” Pepper asks. 

“Yes,” Rhodey says. “We’re discussing dinner plans.” 

Another text from Harley: 

I’m already picking one out with Peter. I have good taste. When is the ornament-making party? 

Pepper looks at them. 

“You’re planning something that I probably would have to disapprove of. I’ll tell people I got your floor watched tonight.” 

“Pepper, light of my life, my absolute sunshine? You’re the best,” Tony says, grinning. “Rhodey-darling, help me with tinsel?” 

He can’t say no. Simple as that. 

That is how tinsel gets strung throughout his hair as he’s watching Tony climb onto chairs that shouldn’t be climbed on to hang it from everywhere. 

“People deserve to have a good-looking Christmas,” he says. “Besides, I wanna win the decoration contest.” 

Rhodey laughs. 

“Okay, okay. I think we got it in the bag.” 

Later on in the week, Tony can be seen flitting about from room to room with help and jokes to lighten the mood. 

Rhodey has to admit, being an RA with Tony around is...nice. Better than he thought. 

And maybe he has feelings. He’s not going to say anything about it. After all, they’re roommates. He also isn’t allowed to have a relationship with anyone on the floor, regardless of anything. 

It doesn’t mean every RA follows it. God knows Sharon’s snuck down to the fourth floor to see Sam near-about every night, and her residents usually keep it a pretty good secret. 

Still. There’s also everything else to consider, and the fact that he doesn’t even know if Tony likes him like that. 

He doesn’t have to focus on it. 

- 

At least, not until the week of finals when he’s dying and Tony’s made him peppermint hot chocolate and sits on his bed, just about an inch away from his notes for his history class. 

“Do you remember what you told me on the phone?” Tony asks softly. 

“You up to compete against Jeanie for this year’s ice hockey championship?” Rhodey asks, smiling. 

Tension releases from Tony’s shoulders. 

“Only so long as you’ll have me.” 

“Always, genius. Always.” 

- 

After the last resident leaves for the holiday and Rhodey checks in with those who are staying, he and Tony hit the road, dragging suitcases behind them. 

“Are you sure I’m allowed?” Tony asks. “I can always find a hotel along the way...” 

“Mama wants to meet you, I keep telling them a ton about you,” Rhodey says, laughing. “They told me they want to hear your side of the great Glitter Debacle.” 

Tony laughs. 

“You mean the truth?” 

“Uh, I’m sorry, how are you going to convince them that green glitter was needed? And that you could clean it out of carpet?” 

“Determination and grit?” 

Rhodey laughs again as they pull onto the highway. 

- 

After a couple of hours, they make it to Rhodey’s home. His sister comes out, hugs for both. 

“Good to meet you Tony,” Jeanie says. “I’ve heard a lot, and I think we’re going to get along awesomely after I tell you every single embarrassing thing that Jim’s ever done.” 

“Only if I get to share stories too,” Tony teases, grinning. “Aw, they call you Jim?” 

“What do you call him?” Jeanie asks. 

“Jim-Jam, angel-dear, sugar-puff, Rhodey. You know, the usual.” 

Jeanie snorts, taking one of Rhodey’s bags. 

“Calling you the first one from now on.” 

“Tony did you have to let her hear any of those?” Rhodey asks, exasperated in a teasing manner. 

“Of course I did,” Tony sing-songed. “Now after you, I’m sure your mom is waiting to hug the living daylights out of you.” 

- 

It’s not until Rhodey gets all settled in and Tony is downstairs competing with his dad in a round of chess that Jeanie sits on his bed, the intention to annoy. 

But it’s...different. She looks at him. 

“You love him a lot, don’t you?” 

Rhodey stills. 

“You wouldn’t have told him he could come here if you didn’t.” 

“You’re right.” 

“I’m always right,” Jeanie says, flipping braids over her shoulder. “Nice of you to finally realize that I’m the smart one.” 

Rhodey doesn’t say anything as she saunters out of the room. 

He makes the decision not to tell Tony. 

If it goes wrong and if Tony says no, he doesn’t want it to be an awkward family event but more importantly, the most awkward rest of the year ever. He can say it as they’re moving out, and that’s that. 

He tells Jeanie as such. 

“I thought you didn’t believe in love,” she says as they’re preparing the soup for dinner.” 

“I don’t believe in love at first sight,” Rhodey says. “I do believe in love. There’s a difference.” 

There’s a hell of a difference. 

First sight, you don’t know everything. The second, third, fourth, fifth, and so on? Oh you learn so much more, and they become that more important. 

He learns that he doesn’t mind picking up tinsel, so long as Tony is laughing and singing along to all of the worst Christmas songs ever, and maybe. Just maybe he could picture looking at Tony underneath the fairy-lights that they hung in the dorm room for all time. 

Love is terrifyingly exhilarating, even when it isn’t supposed to be. 

Rhodey did not think his heart would race so much as Tony listened to his Mama talk about her wedding china, about the utter disaster that his father was. 

“He forgot his tie,” Mama said, smiling. “Oh my lord, my mother had a cow about that. I thought he looked kind of dashing.” 

Tony’s eyes drift towards the wedding pictures, which are slightly shaky, but everyone had such wide smiles. 

It’s a far cry from the publicity photos from the Stark wedding, Rhodey remembers the solemn expressions, the stuff tuxedos. 

“I love it,” Tony says softly. He looks at Rhodey across the table, setting down the final plate. “Tell me more, Mrs. Rhodes.” 

“Call me Mama, honey, Mrs. Rhodes is for people I don’t like that much. I think you’re gonna be my new favorite.” 

“Even over me?” Jeanie says, grinning as she kisses Dad on the cheek. “I’m your favorite.” 

“You’re my favorite until now,” Mama says. “Don’t think I don’t know that you skipped out on setting the table because Tony was here and graciously offered.” 

“It was nothing,” Tony says. “Just happy to help. Thank you for letting me stay at your home for the holidays.” 

“We’re always lucky to have guests,” Dad says, setting down the main dish. “Now let’s eat.” 

Family dinner is a brand new concept to Tony. He’s had maybe four or five of them, and the majority of which were staged for some holiday shoot or some “celebrating American values” shoot. 

It was awkward, weird, and he didn’t get why. 

Now, he does. Jeanie has been steadily moving mashed potatoes away from Rhodey’s plate, and Mama caught her eye and winked, distracting him with talk about his college major and news about the neighbors. 

Mr. Rhodes watches it all with a careful eye and a lax smile. 

After dinner, they play cards. 

It should be boring, but Jeanie puts on an old record and Rhodey keeps trying to count cards, and Tony didn’t think you could count cards in a game of Spoons. 

“You can’t, he’s just a try-hard,” Jeanie stage-whispers. 

“You-” 

Jeanie laughs, rolling herself out of Rhodey’s grasp as he chases her around the family room. Tony leans back into the couch, and shouts with surprise as Jeanie trips Rhodey into the couch. 

His body twists, and Rhodey’s facing him on the couch and they’re close and with the fire roaring in the fireplace and the Christmas lights outside shining through the windows, it’s almost magic. 

It is magic, but Rhodey is kind of terrified of that. 

Tony breathes in, breathes out. 

“Hello sugar-puff,” he says. 

“Hello genius,” Rhodey says, a smile on his face. 

Oh. 

The night does not get much sleep. 

Tony doesn’t sleep anyway, but Rhodey finds that quite often he can’t sleep without some softly-playing rock in the background, doesn’t matter if it is a highly-questionable AC/DC song. That and Tony softly murmuring about his plans, and it’s like a personalized lullaby. 

Rhodey cannot sleep. Tony’s in the guest room, and he can’t sleep. 

There’s a soft knock on his door. 

Tony’s there in shorts and a t-shirt that’s probably expensive, but he’ll never say if it is or not. 

“Can I...I can’t sleep.” 

“Get in here, Tones. I can’t sleep either.” 

The bed is a tight squeeze, but they make it work. 

Rhodey whispers until he drifts off to sleep about Christmas and school and everything else. 

Tony watches with quiet eyes, interjecting with his own stories occasionally. 

They fall asleep tangled up together, and Rhodey doesn’t mind it one bit, not as he pulls Tony in closer. 

-

Waking up is bittersweet, honestly. Rhodey has Tony in his arms, and that’s...that’s perfect. He thinks this is going to be the best thing that’s ever happened in his lifetime. 

“It’s too early, darling,” Tony groans. The light from outside is already peeking through the blinds, and he has stuffed his head right back into a pillow. 

“Jeanie’ll be here soon to bother us for Christmas breakfast,” Rhodey says. “And unless you want her pouncing on the bed and landing on wrong everything, we better get down there.” 

Tony smiles sleepily, stretching. 

“Thanks for letting me sleep in your room, honey-bunch.” 

“No problem,” Rhodey said. “Missed the constant AC/DC and late-night discussions about robotics.” 

“Not like I did much talking, Mr. Sap,” Tony teased. “Or was it me who mentioned that they had a favorite plate for dinner?” 

“Listen, it’s superior and you did not once interrupt that story to complain. I think I did a great job explaining it.” 

Tony laughs. 

“I’m gonna go get dressed, okay?” 

“Not until after present unwrapping,” Rhodey says. “We stay in pajamas.” 

“I’m cold,” Tony whines. 

Rhodey chucks his sweatshirt at him. 

“Then here you go.” 

Tony’s eyes light up as he shrugs it on, wiggling as he brings it up to his nose. It shouldn’t be that cute. But it is. 

“You are the light of my life.” 

Rhodey laughs, rolling his eyes. 

“Maybe. Now come on.” 

They head downstairs together, and they both get swept up into the speed of things, with Jeanie racing around the house and telling Tony that he got treats too, they just didn’t have a back-up stocking. 

“Hush,” Mr. Rhodes says, handing Tony a carefully wrapped gift. “After breakfast, we’ll go ahead and open it.” 

He smiles, and Rhodey thinks it’s the best thing he’ll ever see. 

- 

Christmas gifts, Rhodey thinks, are his new favorite thing to see Tony interact with. 

It’s painfully obvious that he’s never really had any personal gifts, anything that reminds people of himself. He carefully unwraps the paper, careful not to rip it. 

“You nerd,” Rhodey says, grinning. “Come on, show us what you got.” 

Tony laughs as he opens a box with two coffee mugs from the rest of the family, emblazoned with “Rhodes” on one cup, and the other being a simple red with gold trim. 

“They’re perfect,” he says. “Thank you so much.” 

“You’re feeding his coffee addiction,” Rhodey answers. 

“Like you aren’t doing the same,” Jeanie teases. “You made him his cups of coffee this morning.” 

“That is because I have trained him well,” Tony says, grinning. “Rhodey, here’s my present to you, open it.” 

He’s nervous. 

Both of them are, but Tony especially so. 

He told Rhodey once that he’s not good at shopping for other people. He tends to have the phrase “go big or go home” permanently circling in his mind, and it can lead to...complications. 

(Rhodey remembers the overhaul of his closet for his birthday, complete with a visit from a rather well-known designer.) 

Inside is a beautiful jacket. It’s all patchwork, artfully sewn together with embroidery thread spelling out “James” at the lapel. 

“I commissioned Janet,” Tony says, smiling softly. “She wants you to still walk in her fashion show, by the way. Says you’re a model.” 

Rhodey snorts, shrugging on the jacket. 

“You helped with this, right?” Rhodey says. “I can see it in the gold thread you got on the sleeves.” 

“I may have had some creative input.” 

“I love it,” Rhodey says. “Now here’s mine.” 

Tony breathes, and Rhodey wonders if this gift will be enough. He feels a bit stupid, it doesn’t seem like that great of a gift, in retrospect- 

It’s a puzzle. 

A puzzle of their favorite cafe and restaurant to go to at MIT. It was in a shop window, and Rhodey could tell that Tony would love it. 

On top is a scarf, since Tony gave away his last one to another student in their philosophy class. 

“I love it,” Tony breathes, tackling Rhodey in a hug. “I love it, I love it! We have to do the puzzle after this.” 

Mrs. Rhodes sends her husband a look. 

Yeah, Tony would be around for a long time. 

- 

They set up the puzzle on the floor of Rhodey’s room, clearing away any luggage. It’s silent for a while, Tony moving around the pieces and Rhodey looking for edge pieces. 

They work closely together, side by side. 

Rhodey can’t stop staring. 

He should be able to. He’s stopped himself before, but now? 

Sunlight is coming in through the window, playing around Tony’s fingers as he nimbly picks up puzzle pieces, and this is the eternity that Rhodey wants so badly. If he died right now, he thinks he would choose for Heaven to look like this. 

“You okay?” Tony asks, eyes looking up. He took his contacts out, and now he’s just in his tortoiseshell glasses, the ones that he secretly likes more and Rhodey loves. 

“I’m in love with you,” Rhodey blurts out, because he can’t stop thinking about how beautiful Tony is and how much he loves him. 

He realizes that this could very well be considered a mistake. Because they still have to live together and drive back together and it won’t be the same, and the residents will notice no matter how well they both act--

Tony pops his head right under Rhodey’s chin. 

“Kiss me?” 

That’s all it takes. 

They mess up part of the puzzle, but that’s okay. They find they don’t mind it too much. They can work on it later, when Tony’s done getting Rhodey out of his new jacket and Rhodey works his hands underneath Tony’s sweatshirt. 

-

Mama takes one look at them for dinner and grins. 

“Jeanie, you owe me a night of dish-washing.” 

“Seriously?” 

“Mama!” Rhodey hisses, embarrassed beyond belief. 

Tony just cackles, and elbows Rhodey out of the way so he can get to his chair at the table. 

“Couldn’t have fooled you for a second, could we?” Tony teases. 

“Not at all,” Mama states proudly. 

Rhodey rolls his eyes and squeezes Tony’s hand under the table. All will be well. 

- 

When they both get back to college, none of their residents are surprised, at least not until they have to have a “knocking before entering” policy put in place after one particular late morning. 

[drxwsyni]

Petrified (pt.1)

Yandere Erasermic x f!Reader

SERIES MASTERLIST Summary: The two heroes step into a floral boutique, seeking blooming flowers for each other. Instead, they find you, the most precious rose of them all. In noticing just how much such a bright environment seems to take a heavy toll on you, they take it upon themselves to unearth the reasons why - and how to fix it, fix you.

(5.1k words)

Warnings: reader experiences anxiety, mild panic attacks

Friday nights were by far the most strenuous, challenging your mental fortitude to deal with some less than patient customers, along with the physical strain being put on your body to offer the best service possible.

Located in a convenient little building on the first floor was the bustling floral boutique where you were currently being worked far beyond your limits. It was the end of the week and customers were steadily rolling in, new ones entering just as others departed. All arriving for the sole purpose of purchasing a lively arrangement of blooming flowers, neatly accented with variations of greenery and berry-type vegetation.

Amongst the organized chaos of traffic, you were frantically trying to assemble the perfect customization of greenery for each shopper, wrapping it neatly in delicate paper or plastic and string. Applying the finishing touches, you returned to the front counter to hand off the bouquet in exchange for cash or credit, subtly observing the customers' pleased reaction to such an impressive display of flora.

In these reactions to your handiwork did you take pride in your otherwise mediocre occupation, serving as more than enough motivation to push on. However, it was all thanks to your quirk in which you were able to produce such a high quality of service.

Based on society’s standards, your quirk was almost laughable with how weak it was. The ability to support the growth of all types of plants, and maintain their health, titled Nurture. The smaller the plant, the easier it was for the growth to be accelerated. Unfortunate drawbacks did include the strain on your physical health, causing your body to grow more tired with excessive use. 

So, here you were nearing the end of your shift in the boutique, situated at the back of the shop slumped over a worktable while supported by a rickety wooden stool. Friday nights being date night for many, you had to put together more bouquets than you could keep track of in the last five hours. And thanks to your unrelenting desire to make every customer pleased with your work, you’d gone and used your quirk on each bouquet to give it a healthy, blooming appearance that none other could produce.  

It was nearing 8 o’clock at the moment and all you could think about was the sweet release of unconsciousness that sleep could provide when you heard the telltale jingle of the front door opening. Dragging yourself off the stool and to the front counter, you observed the new customer examining the display of small to medium sized plant pots on the shelves. There were no other shoppers in the store at the moment, leaving the sound of the radio playing quietly behind the counter and the static hum of an air purifier to envelope the room.

After another minute or so of perusing, the new customer made his way to the front counter, where you had occupied yourself with tidying up a few scattered ribbons from a previous arrangement. Looking up, you greeted him with a friendly “Good evening, what can I get for you tonight?”

The man had long black hair tied up in a half-bun, a calm but tired expression plastered across his face as he briefly glanced to the small trinkets on display on the counter before looking back at you.

“Just a simple bouquet, please.”

You couldn’t help but notice the fairly large scar under his right eye as he spoke. Must’ve been pretty painful, you thought before quickly responding. 

“Alright, and do you have any preferences on flora type and size of the arrangement sir?” One thing you valued about your job was the reason why people came to make purchases. Although not seriously interested in relationships yourself, you still adored the thought of being able to have such a wholesome impact on something as innocent as love. For this reason you always maintained a bright personality when dealing with shoppers, hoping to convey without words how happy you were to support them in what many would deem a daunting endeavour. 

“Just a small bouquet is fine, I trust you’d be better at choosing the flowers than me so you can decide what goes in it.” He gave a gentle smile and proceeded to wait as you typed in the order on the desktop.

“Okie dokie, it’ll take me about five minutes to put everything together. You can take a seat if you’d like or check out our catalogue for upcoming seasonal arrangements.” With that you politely excused yourself and headed towards the room in which all the live greenery was stationed, straw woven basket in hand. It was a space just towards the back of the shop, closed off with glass sliding doors to maintain the perfect temperature so as not to wilt the more delicate foliage.

Briefly glancing in the direction of the customer, you saw he had moved to sit down in the small waiting area, looking down at the phone in his hand. He wore a black long sleeve sweater with a white undershirt just barely peeking out at the collar, along with a pair of black, generally form fitting pants. He seemed to be quite stoic, with an almost practiced calm nature. You wondered what kind of person had woven their way into his heart without being deterred by such an intimidating initial appearance. 

Returning to the task at hand, you began making an assortment of flowers with other smaller, complementary pieces of plant life. Delicately pulling each choice from their stand and placing them into the basket, you decided that the current selection should be satisfactory. Sliding open the doors of the greenery room, you made your way back to the front counter, setting the basket down next to the assembly station.

“Excuse me, sir? Could you please take a moment to look at the selections before I wrap them up?”

The man looked up from his phone, offering a quick “Of course,” before making his way in front of the work station where you were currently stood behind.

He momentarily looked over the array of flora, hands in his pockets, before lightly nodding. “That looks perfect to me.”

You smiled slightly more at the approval. “Great, now for the wrapping―is there a certain colour or material quality you had in mind. We also just added some new ribbons to our current selection if you’d like to take a look at that.”

“Unfortunately, my partner is the creative one in the relationship. So once again I’m going to need you to make that decision.”

You always enjoyed the challenge of adapting to these kinds of situations, putting something together based on little information. It always seemed to work out, so you had no objections with his request.

“No worries,” you began as you pulled out a sheet of paper, coloured with a soft muted yellow, overall bringing out the whites of the flowers “plenty of customers ask the same thing so I’d like to think by now I’m at least a little capable of making the right decisions.” As you worked with moving the greenery into place, he continued with the idle conversation.

“I’d imagine you do just fine, but I suppose we’ll see once I give it to them.” He let out a small huff, almost a chuckle as you proceeded to tie a thin white ribbon around the base of the bouquet a few times before pulling it into a bow.

“Well, nothing makes me happier than to see that I’m making people happy.” You pick up the bouquet and move to the register, ringing up the cost of the arrangement, the customer following suit. “So, if they enjoy it you’re more than welcome to stop by and let me know.” You sheepishly smile at him as he hands over the payment in cash.

“I’ll make a note of that, thank you.”

You glance at the clock on the wall, seeing you only had an hour left before your shift ends. Inwardly, you decide that you can handle a little more physical strain to use your quirk on the flowers. After all, this man had been kind enough not to be pushy like so many people had been with you today, and you even got to have complete freedom over the arrangement.

“I’m gonna grab some flower food in the back, I’ll just be a minute.”

He nods as you scoop up the bouquet in your arms, making your way through the large doors towards the back of the room.

You set the bouquet down on the workbench and bring your hands to hover just above the greenery. Concentrating, you will yourself to produce the remaining energy you can muster to treat the flowers. It takes a few seconds, but dimly your hands begin to emit a warm, yellow glow. You watch as the blooms become more vibrant, surging with life while other smaller plants become more plump, as if they had just been picked. 

Satisfied with your work, with a new sense of exhaustion threatening to make you collapse if you're not careful, you return to the counter―of course not forgetting to grab the packet of flower food on the way there. 

Handing over the bouquet, you offer a warm “Have a nice evening, sir.”

“You too.” He gives another quick smile, and with that he walked out of the boutique, flowers in hand.

―――

The rest of your shift went pretty smoothly, the last hour usually having the least amount of traffic. You only had to deal with one more rude customer, which you were grateful for. Even then you still forced yourself to use your quirk on their order, not being able to deny yourself the validation of good service.

By the time you clocked out it felt as if your limbs weighed a thousand pounds each. Fridays were always like this, and you dreaded it each week. However that still didn’t stop you from doing what you know best, regardless of the toll it was taking on your health.

A long time ago you decided that no matter what you wouldn’t work Saturdays due to a certain incident which involved you passing out in the back room, only for a coworker to find you thirty minutes later when an angry customer began repeatedly ringing the desk bell because there was nobody out front to assist them.

You thought back on that time as you walked home that night, however daydreaming only served to make you more delirious, causing you to trip over a rock and stumble a bit before finding your sense of balance. 

Choosing to focus on your surroundings instead, you slowly made your way back to your apartment building. Although excruciatingly painful to do so, you heated up some leftovers and properly got ready for bed instead of opting to immediately crash onto your mattress.

Sleep came almost instantly, and you remained in your incapacitated state until 1 pm the next day.

―――

The weekend went as soon it came, and once again you found yourself back at the flower shop on Monday, tying the strings of your apron around your back. The days leading up to Friday were naturally not that busy, which you were thankful for. If they were you probably wouldn’t have enough energy by the time that nightmare of a weekday rolled around.

When the end of the week finally arrived, every part of your being desperately wished it didn’t. Thursday night had unfortunately zapped you of most of your your strength thanks to a serious incident with shipping. 

On these nights the place where your boutique gets their plant life from sends in an extra shipment for what your coworkers had deemed “Flower Friday.” The normal stock would run out before the end of the night without it, so at the end of your shift you patiently awaited for the shipping truck to arrive.

However, once it did the driver and you made the realization that the shipment had taken heavy damage in transit thanks to improper packaging. Cursing inwardly, you still accepted the cargo, knowing you’d have to use your quirk to repair the foliage.

That was exactly what you did, leaving yourself utterly burnt out by the time all the damage was repaired, similar to how you would be by the end of those long Friday shifts.

But you were stubborn, and would not let a little fatigue when you got up the next day to get ready for work stop you. No, instead you dragged yourself out of bed, making a resolution to hold off on using your quirk with a few bouquets here and there to save your energy.

And yet, when the time came to add the finishing touches on each completed arrangement, you decided it was worth the suffering to see the pleased looks on your customer’s faces, and the ideas of how it’ll make their night just a tiny bit more perfect.

Now it was 8:30 pm, and you were fighting every excruciating urge to not black out where you sat, that being on the old wooden stool in the back room.

You almost didn’t register the sound of the front door bells rattling against each other as another customer made their way into the shop. Somehow you willed yourself out of the stool, swearing you saw black spots in front of your vision for a few seconds before arriving at the front counter.

You still genuinely wanted to be in good spirits for your customers, so you pulled a tired smile on your face and looked up to greet the customer.

“Good evening sir, what can I―,”

Stopping mid sentence, your brain processed your lagging thoughts for you to realize the shopper was the same man from last Friday who had been extremely relaxed with how you handled his purchase, much to your appreciation.

“Oh hey, you were here last Friday right? How did your partner find the bouquet?”

The voice you heard respond wasn’t from the person you had just addressed, but another man standing next to him. In your fatigued state it took you until that moment to process his presence. He had long blond hair pulled back into a bun, sporting a black leather jacket, loose white button up and black jeans. Adorned with an expensive looking watch, rings and a thin chain around his neck, the man spoke up.

“So you’re the pretty little songbird who put that sweet bouquet together? Well, his partner thought it was just rockin, ain’t that right Shouta?” He slung an arm around the shoulders of the man next to him.

Once again, your brain running on fumes caused severely delayed reactions, ending with you standing there trying to comprehend the playful compliment sent your way, and how this man was the partner in question for a few seconds. A faint blush appearing on your cheeks, you responded. “Ah yes, I suppose I am. I'm so glad to see you enjoyed it that much.”

The man who you now know to be named Shouta sighed slightly. “He insisted that I bring him here to meet you and get another bouquet. However I’m sure you’re exhausted after a long day so feel free to decline his request.”

To that you gave a lighthearted chuckle, tucking a loose strand of hair behind your ear. “As if I’d ever deny someone service after seeing how well it was received last time. What can I do for you sir?”

The blond maintained a grin, responding: “Well first you don’t gotta call me “sir” sunshine, Hizashi is just fine. Secondly, I thought I’d get my sweetheart here some flowers to return the favour.”

He’s probably just a naturally affectionate person, you thought to yourself in contemplation of his forward response. 

“Sounds good, any preference on flora and arrangement size?” You pulled up the terminal on your desktop for filing orders while the blonde continued.

“How ‘bout you do what ya did last time and make whatever you want. Same size works too.”

You finish up with the order and close the terminal. “Alrighty then, it’ll take around five minutes to make selections so feel free to browse or take a seat in the waiting area.”

“Thanks angel.” Hizashi gave a small wink before occupying himself with a pamphlet on flower upkeep resting on the counter, bringing it back to the seating area.

Briefly glancing in Shouta’s direction, he gives an apologetic look, to which you return with a warm smile before grabbing your basket and heading to the greenery room.

Once inside you take a deep breath, not realizing how shallow your breathing had gotten. Don’t overthink it, don’t overthink it. 

You were never one to be comfortable with receiving affection, something about it always making your heart race for no good reason. It was anxiety that you couldn’t seem to control no matter how long you spent trying to become stronger in these situations. 

Moving on, you start selecting flowers here and there, opting for a darker colour scheme for Shouta, seeming as if he was a much more mellow person than his boyfriend who would appreciate something less flashy. You figured the classic rose would be a good option, choosing the blooms modified to have a much darker crimson colour than the natural type. Accenting it with small white flowers and leafy stems of greenery, you walked out of the room, satisfied with the variety.

Upon returning you see Shouta and Hizashi had already walked up to the assembly station, talking to themselves while they waited for you to return. 

Coming up to your side of the counter, you set the basket of foliage down for them to examine. Despite your exhaustion that’s beginning to become quite alarming as you feel yourself repeatedly growing lightheaded, you eagerly await their reactions; specifically that of the man who’s supposed to receive the flowers.

“Exactly what I had in mind, well done (y/n).”

The use of your first name catches you off guard, having normally been referred to “miss” or the occasional rude “lady” by most of your customers. A confused look plasters across your face for a split second, only for your brain to finally register oh right, you're wearing a name tag, idiot.

“Lovely, I suppose I shouldn’t ask about wrapping either and just get started?” 

“You know it songbird,” replied the blonde.

With that you started the assembly, turning around to the wall of wrapping to make a selection. You chose a transparent plastic, lightly tinted grey, with a black pattern of lace towards the bottom. Pairing it with a thin gold ribbon, you returned back around to lay out the materials.

“Honestly though, ya barely know Shouta but you still hit all the right notes with these. You’re pretty damn good at―wait, is that my radio show playing over those speakers?”

Stopping at the question, you look up before glancing behind you at the radio which was playing fairly quietly in the background. You remember hearing earlier that the show tonight was pre recorded because the host had some special plans tonight that he couldn’t miss. Which then led you to the understanding that oh god the host was here in your flower shop, and this was part of those unmissable plans.

Turning back to face the two men, the realization hit you like a ton of bricks, face draining of colour in the process. Standing in front of you was the pro hero himself, Present Mic, buying flowers for his boyfriend. Like a domino effect happening in your brain, this epiphany led you to connect that his boyfriend was the same man you’d seen quite a few times in the media alongside the voice hero, known as Eraserhead.

Now, you didn’t have a fear of pro heroes, because who would be afraid of such upstanding people, living their life only to protect others. No, what you did have a fear of was people who were in the slightest way intimidating. Call it social awkwardness or just another one of the many things that give you severe anxiety, but knowing how important these two men were in comparison to you nearly had you passing out right then and there. 

But of course doing that would only make you feel worse, so instead you managed to steel yourself enough to stay conscious, which would hopefully last you until the end of this god forsaken Friday night.

“O-Oh, yeah it is actually. I like to keep it on Friday nights to combat the boredom when things start to slow down. It’s a really good show.”

Wait, should I tell them I know they’re pro heroes? Would that make it weird? Would it be weird not to say anything and lie about it?

Your thoughts ran at a million miles per minute while you attempted to control the fast paced thudding of your heartbeat. Why is this bothering me, it’s not like they’re not being friendly. Please just calm down.

As if sensing your growing uneasiness due to the silence, Shouta spoke up. “It’s nice to hear someone can stand his blaring.”

“Aw baby, don’t be like that.” Hizashi playfully nudges him while you resume your work, motioning to cut off the ribbon from the roll. He continues. “Well, in any case at least now I know I’ve got a cute lil’ fan listening in on my show every week.”

Awkwardly, you stammer out a quiet “N-no problem, I guess.”

Not fully paying attention to what you were doing anymore thanks to the uncontrollable swirl of thoughts muddling your brain, you manage to nick yourself on the scissors you were holding in an attempt to sever the ribbon from the roll. Drawing your hand back quickly from the blade, you observed a small bead of blood forming over the cut.

“Ah, dangit. Sorry about that, I’ll be right back…” Your sentence trails off as you turn and leave the two to tend to the cut when a hand wraps around your wrist, effectively spinning you back to face them. You let out a small yelp in shock, looking up wide eyed to see that Shouta had produced a thin container from his jacket, setting it on the counter. He proceeded to grab a tissue from the box laying askew next to a small display, before bunching it slightly and applying pressure to the wound.

“I apologize, it was our fault for distracting you from your work.” After a few more seconds of pressure, he releases your hand to open up the small container, pulling out a bandaid from it.

“Really, i-it’s not a big deal.” Somehow you manage to squeak out a few words of consolidation, feeling as if it was your fault to burden them by clumsily hurting yourself. Before you can manage to make any more protests, a pang of fatigue washes over you. Adrenaline, you presume, that had just faded after being startled by the cut and Shouta’s actions leaving your legs shaking weakly beneath you.

You gripped the edge of the counter for support with your uninjured hand, letting the erasure hero apply a bandaid over the cut.

“This idiot has a habit of rushing into fights without a plan, and naturally gets injured quite frequently.” He motioned to Hizashi with a nod in his direction. “It’s because of that I started keeping bandages on me at all times.”

The idle chit-chat helped calm your nerves, distracting you from what just happened. Unfortunately, it was obvious that at least physically there was something wrong.

“Ya doin’ alright there songbird. Lookin a lil’ faint…” Hizashi eyed your paled and slightly shaky form with worry.

“What? Oh, of course―it’s just been a really long night.” You chuckled dismissively as Shouta finished with the bandage, letting you resume your work. 

This time you carefully handled the scissors, not getting too close to your fingers as you severed the ribbon.

“I mean no offense when I say this, but I have to agree with Hizashi. You look really exhausted, is this just from work?”

Your eyes flutter up to the two men, both awaiting a response with a mix of concern and something you couldn’t quite identify across their faces. Quickly looking back down in hopes of doing so lessening the growing anxiety building, you contemplate what to say next.

Do I tell them that I use my quirk at work? Would it make them stop worrying if I dismissed how dead I probably look? I don’t want to come off as someone who just complains all the time.

Finishing with the ribbon, you reply. “It’s just, you know...end of the week fatigue. Nothing to worry about.” You force a warm smile, hoping it convinces them as the obvious exhaustion in your voice surely wouldn’t.

Before the two can interrogate you any further, you dismiss yourself to the back room with the bouquet to retrieve a packet of flower food. Of course, your real intention is to utilize your quirk for what was hopefully the last time that night.

You stared at the bouquet laying in front of you on the workbench, hands lightly hovering over the blooms. With unconsciousness threatening your already weakened form so closely, you ponder for a moment if nurturing the greenery is really worth it, or even possible. They look healthy, and if it weren’t for your insanely high standards, nobody would likely bat an eye at the quality.

But alas, the desire to make people happy was much stronger than your concern for self-preservation, so you shoved any negative thoughts out of your mind and did your best to concentrate. 

As usual on nights like these, it took a few seconds to activate your quirk, but soon enough the familiar glow began to emit from the palms of your hands. The rose petals took on a new sense of life with your help, even growing in size ever so slightly along with the other miscellaneous plants. Pleased, you finished up, letting your hands steady you against the table for a few seconds longer than normal. 

Aside from the mildly increased shakiness in your legs, it seems your physique was otherwise the same as it was before you started. Grateful for this reality, you picked up the flowers and grabbed some flower food, making sure not to rush yourself on the way back for fear of tripping over your own two feet. 

The two men were once again awaiting your return, this time at the cash. 

Trying not to sigh too loudly while maintaining a polite smile, you handed the bouquet to Shouta and began to ring up the order on the register. Hizashi pulled out his wallet and handed over a cash payment. While you desperately tried to do mental math to give him back his change, the erasure hero spoke up.

“Listen (y/n), even though you might not admit it to us, I know burnout when I see it. You clearly take pride in your job but that doesn’t mean you can neglect your health like this.”

You froze in place at the sudden accusation, tonight will be the death of me. Handing the change to Hizashi, you acknowledged Shouta. “I really am fine, and I’m doing what I love so a little tiredness is worth the reward.”

Shouta simply sighs at this, letting his partner attempt to get through to you. “Okay sweetheart, but when ya look like you're about to pass out it worries us, ya know?”

“Well thanks for the compliment, but I have to insist. This is just more important than any unfortunate side effects of the job.” You blame it on the prolonged exposure to an extreme lack of energy, but you were starting to feel irritable at the display of troubled sentiments, or maybe it was more so an uneasiness at the blatancy of it. Either way, you were glad when they finally finished up with their purchase.

Maintaining eye contact that would send you crumpling if you looked any longer, Shouta made his peace with your resistance for now. “Fine. At least promise that you’ll go straight home when your shift ends. In your state doing more than necessary would just be irrational, not to mention how dangerous it can get around this time.” 

Acknowledging the both of them, you spoke. “I will, I hope you enjoy the flowers.”

Dropping a bill you couldn’t quite distinguish into the tip jar, Hizashi flashed you a smile. “We ready to rock Shouta?” He was returned with a nod, and the two began moving towards the front door. Just before the two left, the blonde called out. “You take care of yourself, ‘kay?” 

“Of course, Goodnight.” With a small wave to see them off, you finally were able to breath as the sound of the door shutting and the all too common static noise of the boutique filled the room, no other customers in sight.

Lifting your head to examine the clock hanging on the wall, you saw that it was already 8:50 pm. How on earth did it take me twenty minutes to do one order? They usually take me ten at the most. You took into account your less than ideal state, and the accident with the scissors, coming to the conclusion that those events along with the bits of conversation exchanged were more than enough to set you back.

Resolving that there weren’t going to be any customers later that night, as closing was at 9:00, you began cleaning up the shop.

You couldn’t exactly remember the time between cleaning and finally taking account of the money in the register along with tips, but at this point you didn’t care.

Emptying the jar onto the counter, you looked over the haul. Loose change mostly, a generous five dollar bill here and there and what is that.

Picking up a bill that by far stood out amongst the pile, you identified that it was worth one hundred dollars. You stared in disbelief for what felt like hours, but it was only about a minute, before returning it to the pile and adding up the total, putting the money away. 

The delirious state that was only getting worse didn’t allow you to speculate who the extremely generous customer was. Rather, you finished up the final tasks to close up shop.

Finally hanging up your apron and pulling on your jacket and bag, you made your way out of the front entrance and locked the doors behind you.

[playing--koi]

Creatures Alike

Pairing: Geralt of Rivia x Reader

Rating: 18+

Warning(s): SMUT, brief mentions of violence and torture, brief mentions of blood and injury, swearing, unprotected sex (y’all this is a mythical world, but stds are very real here so keep that shit locked up)

Summary: A mysterious Witcher saves you from criminal sacrifice and quite a grim background of servitude and torture. Since he’s decided to nurse you back to health and treat you with compassion, you’ve felt something awaken inside of you for the first time in your bleak life.  

Word Count: 5.7k

MASTERLIST

The coarse bark of the tree trunk pressed painfully into the skin of your back. You weren’t sure if the liquid you felt soaking through your rags was that of sweat or blood. The hot, sticky air of the forest was palpable and, if you weren’t otherwise occupied with being tied to a tree, no doubt the heat would’ve instead been the subject of your complaints.

So how had you ended up tied to a tree? Simple. You were a criminal, ostracized and locked away; a long life of torture awaiting you for the murder of your village’s king. However, you didn’t regret it. Hell, you’d practically give anything to go back in time and do it all over again, savoring the vision of that vile man’s blood that glistened upon your dagger.

He got exactly what he’d deserved and you’d sworn to every high priestess sent to talk to the “daughter of Lilit” that you’d never repent. As far as you knew, you had no relation to the demon goddess of the night, intent on exterminating the human race; though you decided you’d lean into it. It was easier to claim Lilit’s likeness than to relive the horrors that you’d experienced at the hands of that man.

You were an orphan that’d been left on the doorstep of the king one night. It quickly became the subject of town gossip because your ears showed that of elven heritage. Not fully, but certainly enough to be recognized. Against all suggestion from his council, he decided to take you in to one day become a servant girl. The village ate that garbage up from the palm of his unscathed, perfectly manicured hands; woes of his “kind, gentle spirit” and “innate care for all creatures, no matter how disgusting”.

It made you sick. He made you sick. With his creative list of unthinkable punishments that he saved for only you. The halfblooded elf who was used as an outlet for his rage. His council knew, his family knew, neighboring royals knew. And no one batted an eye. If it kept their king happy, drain the elf’s blood.

So it shouldn’t have been a surprise when you killed him. But evidently it was. There was talks of hanging you, burning you at the stake, stoning you to death; frankly, you’d lost track of the plethora of capital suggestions. Everyone cried of how ungrateful you were. That he’d accept one of your kind just to be murdered for his generosity. It almost made you laugh that these people were so busy sneering at you over a man that they only pretended to know the first thing about. In their minds, the honorable king would never lay a finger on an innocent creature, but oh, how wrong they were.

And now here you were. In the stead of public execution, you were now being offered as a sacrifice to the griffin that had been terrorizing the village. You’re pretty sure that everyone knew one lousy meal wouldn’t do anything to quench the abomination’s blood-thirst, but everyone was excited by the idea of a painful, terrifying, and gruesome death for a criminal such as yourself. Well, fuck them too.

You weren’t quite sure why they’d tied you up in the forest, considering griffins mostly traveled by flight, making it nearly impossible to see you hidden within the tree tops and thick foliage. Either you’d die by some miracle of the griffin finding you or perhaps another horrid creature, starvation, dehydration, or bandits. So many options, lucky you.

Lightheaded due to exhaustion and overheating, you couldn’t tell if you were imagining the noises that seemed to come from everywhere and nowhere at the same time. After years of mental torture and loneliness, you were more than aware of your mind’s ability to hallucinate quite grand things. Like that one time you’d managed to have an entire argument with your dinner rations. And you weren’t even sure if you’d won.

However you couldn’t imagine that your own mind would be able to conjure up the noise that you’d just heard. A growl so menacing and threatening, you were sure this was your end. And you hadn’t even seen the beast yet. You’d been through a lot, so you were not usually convinced that you wouldn’t survive something because, after so many days spent begging not to, you still prevailed. But this might actually be it.

And then you saw it. After many tales of such a beast; paintings, sonnets, songs, epic novels: a griffin. It was huge, grotesque, and sinister. Its face looked permanently smug as it traipsed in and out of your vision through openings. And it was on foot; how peculiar. But the closer you looked, the easier it was to see that it was injured. With a trail of blood closely following it, you concluded that it must’ve been its wings because, had it been another extremity, it probably wouldn’t have been walking as easily as it was.

But what creature would attack something so massive and menacing?

You kept your breaths as silent as possible, remaining as still as you could. You weren’t sure how good its hearing was. You didn’t really know much about griffins. You didn’t really know much about anything, to be honest. Spending most of your life hidden from the world certainly did an excellent job of also hiding the world from you. Whenever you could sneak a book from the king’s library, you would, but any of his more riveting, knowledgable ones were kept very far from your reach.

It was now far darker than it had been just a few minutes before, so you prayed to the gods that it wouldn’t see you. Seeming to be wandering aimlessly, the creature’s steps were slow and heavy before it made a sort of bedding with the surrounding leaves and curled up—as much as such a large body could “curl”—and began to snore.

Great, I pray to the gods for safety and instead they send a griffin to my exact location where it falls asleep, no doubt ready to maul me the moment I make an inkling of a sound. What a fucking joke.

Before you can agonize for too much longer, you see a flash of white in your peripheral vision and you whip your neck to face it. You see a man. A very large, very intimidating man with long white hair and dressed head to toe in black. He had weapons sheathed on his back and moved with a swiftness of someone who really knew how to use them. And he appeared to be purposely moving closer to the griffin. Oh no. He was going to wake it up and you were both going to die.

Well, he was just speeding up the inevitable. So you decided to watch. At least enjoy some entertainment in your last moments.

You couldn’t help but notice his pure beauty and the rugged nature of it. He was a daunting presence, one of indisputable importance and humble pride. He moved like both the lion and the gazelle; he was a contradiction, both gentle and dangerous. Reckless yet careful. Gods, he was approaching a griffin, yet it seemed to be just a daily occurrence for him. Maybe you both were going to live if his stature was anything to go by.

He was then standing over the sleeping body of the griffin, unsheathing his sword with delicacy so as not to awaken the beast. And without a sliver of hesitation, he chopped the overgrown bird’s head cleanly off its shoulders.  

You gasped without a thought and he quickly searched the darkness for the source of the noise and you could feel the blood drain from your face. Sure, he’d saved you from the imminent danger, but what if he was the new imminent danger? A man that confident and sly couldn’t be underestimated by a prisoner tied to a tree.

In the dark of the night, you could make out his eyes just as they found you. His brows furrowed, no doubt confused by your predicament. You couldn’t imagine it was a common occurrence to find a woman tied to a tree in the middle of a forest right after killing a griffin. He slowly began to inch closer to you before he was only a few footsteps away.

You could now make out the rich amber of his eyes as they scanned your…dilemma. His face was nothing short of perfect— sculpted by the delicate fingers of the gods—and mauled ever since by the cruelty he’d clearly faced on the continent. His face was dirty and battered, like he’d picked a pub brawl with the wrong gang of thugs. But after seeing the cool and collected way he slayed that animal, you couldn’t imagine him losing any fight.

And then he spoke. A deep rumble that sounded harsh to unprepared ears. His voice was that of smoke; thick and mysterious—throaty and coarse. It awoke something primal in you that’d been stifled perhaps your entire life. So much so that you’d forgotten to listen to what he’d actually said.

“Ma’am?” He inquired, clearly trying to get your attention. Little did he know he had it undivided.

Your curiosity got the better of you and you couldn’t resist.

“Who are you?” You wondered aloud, your voice remaining constant in such a threatening situation. Due to the trials of your life, it’d been a long time since you feared death.

“Geralt,” he grumbled. Well, it didn’t exactly cover the complexities of your question, but it was a start.

“Are you going to kill me, Geralt?”

He grunted in response, but you could swear you saw a hint of amusement in his eyes. He pulled the sword from its place hilted on his shoulder and you closed your eyes to brace for impact, but instead of an untimely demise, you simply felt your balance slipping as the rope was no longer holding you up straight.

Before you could land face-first on the forest floor, you could feel a forearm reach out and catch you around the waist. Upon opening your eyes, you could see that you were angled toward the ground and, had this peculiar man not reached his hand out and almost effortlessly stopped your downfall, you’d have had a mouthful of twigs.

He pulled you back up straight and, after no longer feeling your need for his support, he left you to stand on your own—though he watched you like a mare would her foal. Making sure you didn’t immediately go topsy-turvy. The absence of his warmth around your belly was somehow even more uncomfortable than the sweltering heat. You couldn’t even begin to think how sweaty he was under all of that black leather. What you’d give to get him out of it.

You tried to physically shake the thoughts from your head.

“May I ask why you were tied to a tree?” He questioned, sizing you up, almost as if he was guessing what the reason could be himself.

“My village is convinced that I’m the daughter of Lilit, so they left me as a human sacrifice for that griffin,” you pointed to the recently-slain beast.

He raised his eyebrows at your confession. “So you’re the servant girl who murdered the king,” his eyes narrowed as he continued, “I’ve heard talk of you. You’re not exactly spoken about favorably, considering you killed one of the continent’s most well-regarded rulers,”.

You felt a pang in your chest. You were so sick of the assumptions that everyone made about you. How you were a no-good, selfish, bloodthirsty elf. Always defending yourself from people who would never know the truth. Well, if that’s what they all thought, there was no use trying to change their minds.

“That would be me.” You sneered, “Probably should’ve just left me to die, huh?” You pushed past him, stomping away from your beautiful savior. Even a mysteriously handsome man saving your life couldn’t be a source of happiness.

However you didn’t exactly have time to dwell on it too much before your vision blurred and you could feel your body giving out. You were dehydrated, overheated, starved, and possibly bleeding. When was luck ever on your side?

You crumpled to the ground, a deafening ring reverberating through your head. Your body ached as your mind blanked. You didn’t even notice that you were now being moved. Your eyes grew heavier, heavier, heavier.

~

There you were, back in the basement of the castle. Drenched in your own blood, the color a more muted red as it mixed with that of your sweat. Your ankle was raw from where the shackle was tightly bound to it, dirt and grime seeping within the cut.

You couldn’t possibly be back here, you’d killed him. He was supposed to be gone. But the sounds of his boots thundering down the stairs alerted you that it was far from over.

You startled awake, gasping for air. In a fit of panic, you jumped up from the makeshift bed you’d been asleep on, frantically searching the room for an explanation. You quickly came to the conclusion that you’d found yourself within an abandoned cottage of sorts. And you were not alone.

Geralt studied you with a confused intensity. His brows were furrowed as he sat in a chair that was situated next to the bed you’d been asleep in. An opened book was settled on his lap.

Your eyes drifted from him and instead looked down at your own body and saw that several areas had been bandaged, including places that you hadn’t even known to be injured.

“Clearly they’re not too kind to prisoners in your village,” He stated after seeing that you’d been studying your own wounds.  

“Why did you help me?” You questioned.

He cocked his head to the side, confused by your response. He probably expected some sort of gratitude in your words instead of the cautious interrogation that he was now being met with.

“You said it yourself, I’m a murderer,” you pushed further, “so why did you help me?” You gritted your teeth, the pain throbbing in your head did nothing to assuage the rage you felt at his dismissal of you upon your first meeting.

He inhaled deeply before answering your question. “I was originally going to take you back to your village along with the griffin’s head in hopes of some sort of…compensation,” you rolled your eyes at his honesty, “but when I examined your wounds further, I didn’t think you would live through the journey without some proper treatment.” He answered frankly.

“So your plan is to heal me and then turn me in?” You scoffed.

“Originally, yes. However, the more I’ve studied you, the more curious I’ve become.” He set the book on the ground and crossed his legs, leaning further back in the chair. Even from across the room, you could feel that the probing was about to begin. “Their stories don’t really align with what I’ve seen from you. What do you have to fear? Your village speaks as if they’re terrified of you. All anyone seems to call you is the daughter of Lilit, the elf with no soul—so what would you have to be afraid of?”

You sputtered out a laugh at the sheer irony of it all. What did you have to be afraid of? What a laughable question. What didn’t you have to be afraid of?

He stood from his seat and started to walk around the bed toward you and your body reacted before your mind even had time to register. You flinched, moving to protect all vital organs from the beating you felt to be inevitable. Your eyes were squeezed shut so tightly, spots were collecting within your darkened vision. Time stood still as you waited for the assault, but you couldn’t even hear his footsteps getting closer.

You slowly opened your eyes and moved your face from where it was tucked into your elbow. You saw Geralt standing there, his hands up in surrender as he looked at you with the mildest bit of sorrow.

“I’m not going to hurt you,” he conceded, speaking in a way one might to a frightened animal, “It was unfair of me to pass judgment on you after our first meeting. Humans do it to my kind all the time and I know better than anyone how frustrating it can be,”.

“Your kind?” Your brows furrowed.

“I’m a Witcher,”.

Your eyes widened, remembering the stories you’d snuck from the library stacks about Witchers and their superhuman amounts of power used to defeat monsters across the continent. “You’re a Witcher?” You whispered, curiosity dripping from your voice. You were desperate to hear the tales of someone so well-traveled and brave.

“That’s enough about me, little elf.” He took a step closer to you. You narrowed your eyes at the nickname, but let it go quickly; it sounded more like a term of endearment than anything else. “Now sit back down on the bed, so I can redress your wounds. All of this excitement seems to have reopened a few cuts,” You obeyed, no longer preoccupied enough to ignore the pain.

He crouched down in front of where you were seated and moved to lift up one of your pant legs in order to check on the dressings. He continued this on your arms and legs for quite a while, very meticulous in his work to insure you didn’t walk away with any infections. It was then time to look at your back, the part you’d been dreading.

Sure, you knew he’d already seen it, but your back was covered fully in scars from your years of servitude. It was unsightly and you hated the reminders.

You faced the other direction, so you were now looking away from him. You carefully removed your old, tethered shirt. You used the raggedy material to shield any sight of your breasts, although you knew he couldn’t see them from his place behind you. He began to untie the cloth and remove the bandaging, goosebumps arising wherever you felt the ghost of his touch. Grabbing a damp rag, he started to clean the gashes that littered your back. You attempted not to hiss in pain, but it failed fairly quickly.

He slathered ointment onto your burning skin, lightly massaging it into the wounds of your back, making sure to take extra care of the areas that were especially banged up. This was all so foreign to you; these hands that held you with a gentle touch. Someone alleviating your pain instead of adding to it. You sighed in contentment at the sheer pleasure of another’s hands, especially those belonging to such a beautiful specimen, however pointedly you tried ignoring that fact.

Far too soon, the caress was replaced with more bandages and gauze. You were left internally whining at the loss of Geralt’s closeness. Before you went to put your same shirt back on, he tossed you one in far better condition that he must’ve found in the cottage.

You were fighting sleep, eager to spend more time in his presence. It was so soothing to you in a way that nothing else had ever been. He took one look at you, no doubt seeing your internal fight to stay awake. “Rest up, little elf,” he insisted, “I’ll still be here when you wake up,”.

And with that, you gave yourself permission to sleep.

~

You’d been trapped in the cottage with Geralt for roughly three days at this point, practically vibrating out of your own skin at the temptations you’d had to sit through. With Geralt constantly tending to you, the little amount of privacy the cottage offered, and having to bear witness to his perfectly crafted body, freshly soaked from his baths; a new side of you had suddenly awakened.

He captivated you. Your eyes followed him every moment you could get away with it. You certainly weren’t covert about it either. The feelings were just so new and profound that you were honestly just excited to be feeling them at all. Any common activity could become entertaining so long as Geralt was the one performing it.

You were entranced by his unexpected tenderness. He would sometimes sneak out at night to check on Roach when he thought you were asleep, making sure that nothing in the surrounding wood had agitated the horse. While his skills helped you to feel protected, his morality was what made you really trust him. He could’ve easily brought you back to your village, gotten a hefty sum, and been on his way. Hell, it wasn’t like you’d claimed innocence in the first place.

But no, instead he’d decided to offer you medical care using his own supplies, give you most of his hunting rations, find you shelter, and be the first person to ever treat you with true respect. So, what were you meant to do? Not develop any sort of feelings for him? That level of self control seemed utterly ridiculous.

Although it’d only been a short period of time, you felt so safe with him. He asked you questions and showed true interest in your answers. He comforted you after a few jarring nightmares. He asked your opinions on things and never made you feel ashamed if you didn’t know something. He told you some quite riveting stories of his travels and woes; of monsters and magic and all sorts of things.

You could feel a considerable predicament arising.

~

Before he’d left to go hunting, Geralt had been kind enough to prepare a bath for you. Your complaints of muck had probably started to annoy him at this point, so he pulled out all of the bells and whistles. Flowers, herbs, oils, scents, milks, powders; you didn’t even know what kind of concoction this was, but it felt fancy. So you were going to enjoy it.

You scrubbed your body until your skin was practically raw, not allowing even one granule of dirt to be left behind. Frankly, you’d needed the distraction that concentration brought. Anything was better than the devilish thoughts of Geralt that replayed in your mind at every moment since you’d met him.

And since it was your first time being truly alone in the cottage, maybe it was time to do something about it.

You couldn’t help yourself. It was the perfect storm of desire. The heat of the bath, the filth polluting your mind, the views you’d had the honor of seeing throughout the past few days; he was irresistible. And if the only relief you could offer yourself was within the confines of your own fantasy, then so be it.

The herbs and flowers floated around the surface of the bath as the milk and oil clouded the water, obscuring the view of your hand as it lowered down the skin of your stomach. You’d never felt such strong urges in your entire life.

It was your first time trying anything like this, but you’d had the pleasure of indulging in a few erotic novels throughout your time at the castle. Your fingers lightly caressed the flesh of your opening, teasing the sensitive area and imagining the droplets of water cascading down Geralt’s back earlier that day. How it’d feel to run your tongue across each rippling muscle, collecting the liquid in your mouth.

You sunk your middle finger into your core, feeling the wetness pooling inside of you. This man had you wound so tightly around his finger; you were practically bursting at the seams. Once you’d collected some of your slick on the tip of your finger, you pulled back and circled around your tiny bud of nerves. When you’d finally made contact, your body reacted in a way it never had before. Your legs twitched, causing some of the bathwater to splash from the tub, but you couldn’t find one care in the world, not even slowing at the sound.

A desperate whine left your mouth unexpectedly before you bit down on your lower lip, silencing yourself. The hand that wasn’t busy with your throbbing nether regions gripped the edge of the tub, almost numb at this point. You knew that if Geralt was the one doing this to you, that hand would be wrapped up in his bright silver strands. The thought of him doing anything to make you feel this immodest nearly had you drooling. His dexterous, strong hands taking ownership of your pussy, showing you just how accommodating he could be.

His name left your lips in a desperate plea as you finally found a rhythm that suited you. You felt as if your body was no longer your own as you continued your descent in the search of pleasure. You slowly worked yourself, wanting to savor this feeling. Your breaths were loud and labored as you arched your back slightly, searching for a path closer to release. Your mind replaying every word Geralt had uttered to you since you’d first met, clawing for any semblance of relief.  

Your movements came to a screeching halt upon hearing the deep voice you’d come to know so well—now outside of your thoughts. You snapped your eyes open quickly, seeing his smug face staring back at you as you jumped to cover yourself as much as you could.

“Am I interrupting something?” He cocked an eyebrow.

You gasped, hot shame bubbling in your chest as you fumbled through any words you could get out. “Geralt—I’m s-so sorry, I really—”.

He slowly started to untuck and unbutton his black shirt. Your mouth went dry as more of his skin was exposed, effectively silencing your babble. The raised markings of his scars were covered in a light sheen of sweat that looked absolutely delectable. You could feel your pupils dilating, your mouth opening slightly without your control.

He smirked at the look on your face, tossing his shirt to the side. “Would you like some help?” He gave you an appreciative once-over to emphasize his proposition.

Your eyes widened as you prayed to every god that this wasn’t some twisted trickery. You nodded, fearing that your voice would betray you.

He stripped himself of his boots and the rest of his clothing. He worked quickly and gracefully, tossing the garments without a care as he walked closer to the tub. While you were obviously curious, you avoided any glances south of his abdomen, feeling too bashful to even look. Moving to get in the bath, he sat down in front of you. Now face to face, you were curious as to where he was going with this—before he hauled you up to sit on the rim of the bathtub completely emerged from the water, now completely at the mercy of his gaze. You were completely unveiled to him and you couldn’t cease the nerves that flared up in response.

He kneeled back down in the water and you quickly moved to cover you breasts. But before you could successfully shield them from his view, he moved one of your hands to grip the tub and the other to grasp onto his hair. He maneuvered your legs to rest over his shoulders, putting you on full display to his hungry eyes as his huge hands held you steady by your thighs. His dominant movements, situating you how he’d like caused a heavy pulsing feeling to arise in your already glistening cherry.

He kissed each of your thighs passionately, sucking marks into the skin with lips ghosting over each valley of skin—just shy of where you needed him most. The outline of your pubic bone, your navel; using his tongue to explore the plains and ridges of your body.

“Gods, I’ve been waiting to eat this sweet cunt since the moment I cut you from that tree,” His voice somehow got rougher in this moment, soaked in the intoxication of lust, and you could swear you almost fainted. But before you had time to burn out, you were lit afire once again as his tongue licked a long stripe up your aching center, wrapping his lips around your clit as he reached the bundle.

Your grip on his hair tightened as you let out such a guttural sound, urging him on as he made work of your sensitivity. You were covered in the wetness from your bath and, now that you were out of the water, your body felt slightly chilled which was a delicious contrast from the aching heat of your core as he devoured you. Not missing one morsel.

He pleasured you with such eagerness and paid close attention to each of your sounds, repeating movements that granted the noisiest and most reactionary ones. The obscene musing of slurps, licks, and Geralt’s moans had you seeing stars. Each time your body would pull away from him in shock, he’d simply pull you closer by your thighs, grinding you onto his face.

“You taste like heaven. How does that feel, little elf?” He questioned, golden eyes staring into your own. “Hmm?”

He was so smug, but you didn’t have it in you to be even the least bit annoyed. Because with his skillful tongue, he deserved to be smug.

You whined at the separation, desperate for the release you’ve been denied your whole life. You could barely handle another second without it. “Please, Geralt—” you nearly sobbed, panting in between words, “I’ve never felt this way before. Please let me finish on your tongue. I want it so bad,”.

“Fuck,” he whispered, eyes glazing over in desperation at the utterly wrecked look on your face. “Anything you want, little elf” his warm breath ghosted over your dripping cunt as he spoke, “I’ll give you anything,”.

He pulled you impossibly closer and licked into your center, using his nose to nudge and stimulate your bundle. His groans as he devoured you reverberated through your center, overtaking all of your senses as you neared the edge.

Geralt enclosed his lips around your clit, sucking it feverishly with his tongue—and your vision went white. You let out the most broken sound as your insides bursted. You tugged relentlessly on the hair that you assumed he regretted offering up to you, but his groans of pleasure actually made you question that hypothesis.

Your breaths were deep and long as you looked down at him. He was still staring up at you with a look of pride—not cockiness—like he was excited to be able to share that impure moment with you. You moved your thighs from his shoulders and lowered yourself back into the tub, pulling him in for a kiss.

Your first kiss. And it was perfect. Although the order of events seemed a bit backwards, you couldn’t have hoped for anything better.

You could taste yourself on his tongue as he pulled you closer to sit on his lap in the water. His hardened member pressed against your stomach, so you decided it was his turn. You wrapped your fingers around his thick cock, all shyness from earlier dissipating, as you paid close attention to the tip. You pumped him slowly, slowly adding more pressure as you continued.

He inhaled a deep breath, almost as if he was holding himself back. “I’m going to take you to bed now, little elf” he enunciated his statement with a quick peck, “only if you’ll have me, that is—”.

You rolled your eyes at his chivalry. “Take me to bed then, Witcher,”.

You squealed in joyful shock at his show of strength as he quickly lifted you both up from the tub, water now cascading from your bodies and onto the surrounding floor. But you couldn’t bring yourself to care as you simply giggled.

You both fell onto the bed with water still dripping from your bodies, soaking through the sheets. You were a quilt of limbs, wrapped up in one another as your mouths communicated longing with deep, passionate kisses. While he was your only kiss, you could somehow tell that he tasted better than any others.

He worshipped your body with his hands, offering you the loving touch that you’d never felt. Whispering praise of how good you were doing and how lovely you were and how much he’d wanted you.

When he first entered you, he kept it jarringly slow—wanting to avoid any pain—but after he’d opened you up so well, there was only mild discomfort at first. Giving into your begs, he fucked you into the sheets with your prayers of more. You clawed at his back and he wished you would dig harder, so the memory of your first time together could scar and overwrite the brutalities that currently littered his spine.

You squeezed him so perfectly and brought him such euphoria. He never wanted to leave the warmth of your divine center, each thrust bringing you both closer to your end.  

“C’mon, little elf. Come for your Witcher,”. Your Witcher was what did you in. You climaxed around his thick cock, the pulsing of your orgasm sending him over the hill right along with you. Both of you unleashing the most primal noises into the skin of the other; a shared moment of vulnerability between two creatures alike. This moment in which both of your worlds tilted in the most complementary way; a change that could be felt in the atmosphere.

He wrapped his arms around you tightly as you came down, grounding yourself in his slow breathing.

~

Once you’d both gotten cleaned up, you curled up in bed with Geralt as you laid your head on his naked pectoral. You studied him for quite a while as he played with the damp strands of your hair, battling sleep yet again, trying your best to lengthen this moment as much as you could.

But, of course, being the observant man he is, he quickly noticed your eyelids growing heavier.

“Rest up, little elf,” the smallest simper graced his eyes as he repeated his words from the first day in the cottage, “I’ll still be here when you wake up,”.

You closed your eyes with a ghost of a smile.

fin

A/N: Here’s my first crack at a fic for the Witcher (first of many, I’m hoping)!! I really hope you guys like it!! I’m not actually finished the series yet, so sorry if I get anything terribly wrong (I’m just trying so hard to savor it since it’s not back until 2021). I’m brushing back up on fanfic etiquette and writing style since I’m just getting back into the swing of things, so any feedback would be treasured!!! Let me know what you think, babies! 

I used to have a tag list, but since it’s been so long since I was posting consistently, I’ve decided to abandon it--so if you wanna be tagged in my stuff, just drop by my ask box. I’d love to have you and I sincerely hope you didn’t hate this, ha! x g

[43sparrows]

happy valentine's day 🥰 i know it probably doesn't mean much coming from someone with social anxiety so bad they won't even come off anon, but the amount you've written today is amazing ☺️ i could never lol

also. what about one where the reader and five have been kind of tense and arguing (nothing relationship wrecking just annoying) so as like a v-day prank she replaces all of his stuff with pink sparkly versions. this has been in my head all week but i just can't get five's character right like you 🥺

1. as someone with mental health battles of their own, never think that the fact you have to fight for what comes easy for neurotypical people is cause to devalue yourself. a happy valentine’s day and request means a lot whether there’s a name attached or not.

2. I feel like everything I’ve written today has been subpar, so thank you so much for the compliment. I needed it!

3. 

You were dating a complete asshole.

You knew this before you started dating him of course, but there were moments where you forgot. Where you saw a soft side or a kindness to him, and thought maybe the assholery was just a facade--a guard he put up to keep people from getting to know the real him, the vulnerable him. 

And then he always went ahead and reminded you that nope, he was an asshole through and through.

This week he’d really gone all out though. Conversations had been terse and brief, and if you said even one thing slightly wrong he’d scoff and go off on his own for hours. 

You’d complained about your boss’ decree that there’d be no Valentine’s Day celebration or decorations and he’d gone ahead and taken his side instead of yours. If he’d even kept his mouth shut and just ignored you, that would have been preferable.

And while you knew that things were tense right now--that there was a mission that was taking longer than expected and not going as planned and that the more time he spent attempting to coordinate his siblings the more irritable he got--you’d think he’d learn a few coping strategies and adult the fuck up.

And sure maybe you were also a tiny bit blame because rather than acknowledging that this was only temporary and it really wasn’t about you, you let it get to you. 

But most of the blame lay on Five and his ability to absolutely wreck your mood going into your favorite holiday. Not that you intended to let that asshole ruin Valentine’s day for you. You would enjoy your Valentine’s Day even if you weren’t going to spend it the way you would have chosen. 

It was a simple plan really. Petty and stupid as well, but well worth the lost sleep.

You spent the night systematically removing each trace of Five from you shared apartment and replacing it with a garish, pink, sparkly object instead. 

His shirts? All with cartoony Valentine’s Day prints. Same with his ties.

His travel mug? A glittery fuchsia monstrosity with the words “Hot Stuff” written large, looping cursive. 

All of his pens and notebooks were packed away and replaced with glitter pens with feathers at the top and Valentine’s Day notebooks with increasingly bad puns.

I'm bananas for you.

You're one in a melon.

Let's avocuddle.

You decorated the apartment with every single vaguely Valentine’s Day related item you could find across three different stores.

And then, because you were petty and mad and wanted him to know that this was very much on purpose, you wrote him a card--Happy Valentine’s day to my second favorite asshole--and stuck it to the coffee machine before walking out the door to beat the rush to work.

“What the fuck?” Five appeared in your cubicle, and the rest of your co-workers looked up at him, hands clasping over their mouths to muffle snorts and giggles at the sight of him.

“Oh, did you do this for me?” you asked with fake sincerity, reaching out to smooth his heart speckled tie and Valentine’s Day Snoopy shirt. “You didn’t have to.”  Your smile turned positively devilish as Five glared at you. 

You could see the frustration building up in him so that he was actually shaking. “Everything,” he ground “is fucking pink.” 

You looked from your left to your right with exaggerated confusion at the grey walls of your cubicle.

“Y/N-” he started before cutting himself off with a quick look over to your co-workers who were still staring on in interest. He took your hand and pulled you with him towards the elevators and out of view of everyone else.

“Why?” Five pushed the word through ground teeth, and the smile you gave him was very much genuine. 

“I wanted to celebrate my favorite holiday,” you shrugged. 

“And we couldn’t have just...done dinner?” 

You scoffed. “With how you’ve been over the last week? I’m not taking you out into public.”

“How I’ve been?” he repeated, and you rolled your eyes.

“You’ve been a dick five. A grade A asshole. Anytime I ask question you’re jumping down my throat, and if I want to do something you pull the plug immediately. I wanted to have some fun, so--” you gestured at him. 

To your surprise Five sighed and shook his head, his shoulders slumping a bit. “Ok, I deserve this. I’m sorry my siblings--” 

You made a buzzer noise.

“I’m sorry I’ve been stressed because of--”

You made another buzzer noise.

“I’m sorry I’ve been an asshole.”

You pointed a finger at him, gesturing that he’d gotten it correct and smiled. “Wait here.” 

You returned in two minutes with one of his normal shirts, ties, and jacket and passed it over to him. “Here.” 

“Thank you,” he said, accepting them. 

“But you’re not done paying for your behavior,” you said, holding up an accusatory finger, and he nodded. “You’ve got a lot of work ahead of you tonight if you really want to make it up to me.” 

A sly smile crossed Five’s lips. “I look forward to it.” 

[lamortexiii]

Cryptic Mystic: Kindred Spirits

Do you believe that living beings have souls? If you believe in souls, chances are that you also possess the ability to feel strong emotions. On the opposite side of that coin, there are people who feel no emotion at all. What causes such a huge difference in the capability of our brains and the way that we process information? What do souls have to do with this anyway? Are we born this way or simply molded through our environment and experiences? Maybe it’s a little of both…

I’ll start by saying the words “soul” and “spirit” are often used interchangeably - just so there is no confusion with the title versus the term I am choosing to use within the text. Now onto the good stuff.

The term “soul” as we know it today in America was originally derived from the Old English word sáwol first quoted in the 8th Century poem Beowulf. However, this term and its meaning has been seen in other countries including East German Gothic (saiwala), Old High German (sêula), Old Saxon (sêola), Old Low Franconian (sêla), Old Norse (sála) and Lithuanian (siela). The Germanic definition of “soul” is said to mean “coming from/belonging to the sea (or lake)”, because of the Germanic and pre-Celtic belief in souls emerging from and returning to sacred lakes.

Various religions use the term “soul” within many forms of context. All share an abundance of differences within what the term means and how they choose to use it, but all define their beliefs/experiences within a similar concept. For example, ancient Egyptians believed that people were made up of a combination of both physical and spiritual elements that are of the soul/spirit. Shamanism posits that people are composed of two or more souls (termed soul dualism) often called the “body soul” and the “free soul.” The body soul is the vessel in which you live day to day while you are consciously aware of your surroundings, while the free soul wanders when you are sleeping, meditating, or in a trance-like state. While even different yet, Scientology doesn’t believe that people have souls, but that people are souls. Within this religion, people are viewed as being immortal and can choose to become reincarnated if they would like once their life is over within their current physical body. Lastly, Wiccans tend to believe in the eternal nature of the soul; that the soul is immortal and can never die. Most Wiccans believe in reincarnation and view physical death as part of the natural cycle of life/birth/death; that while the physical body may die, the soul can never die.

As you can tell, there are definitely mixed views on what constitutes a “soul.” Most beliefs in the soul are tied to various religions. These are just a few examples, however, there are MANY more religions that believe in the soul and just as many more definitions and viewpoints! For those who believe in the soul, strong emotional ties are present within their respective religions. Remember earlier when I suggested that if you believe in the soul you probably possess the ability to feel emotions on a strong level? Makes sense now doesn’t it? It’s all tied together and comes full circle when explained. Now, I will say there are just as many people who do not believe in the soul, and I do not discredit them in any way. It’s like I always say, you choose what you believe - all are respected here. Learning more about one another gives us all a better understanding of the differences we possess; what makes us unique. I encourage you to do your research on other cultures/religions/etc., but I also feel like that is part of my purpose here - to expand your mind. So... you can just keep reading my blogs to get that monthly dose of information if you’d like. Your choice.

I’ve always found this particular conversation interesting due to the many possibilities that surround us. There is so much that is truly unknown. We take the influences around us: environment, culture, religion, social influences, etc. and we form opinions. We form beliefs. It would be foolish to believe that we know everything, for we do not. However, we can imagine, dream, research, have a conversation about it - we can strive to learn.

The Shamanistic belief in the two souls is quite interesting to me in particular due to my own personal experiences with dreams and meditation. I am sure many of you have had those dreams that felt so real that whenever you woke up you weren’t sure where you were for a moment. I have experienced this several times. My dreams are always so vivid. When I am meditating I find that I experience almost the same intensity that I feel whenever I am sleeping. I have jokingly wondered to myself if the people we see in our dreams are actually there with us because they are sleeping too. Maybe we are all in another dimension together in our dreams or when we meditate? I don’t have the answers to why these instances occur, but I enjoy speculating over them. I have also wondered if the people in your dreams don’t remember being with you, maybe you were in the part of their dream that they didn’t remember. Have you ever awoke from a dream and for the life of you, couldn’t remember it at all? Or maybe you remembered bits and pieces, but were unable to put them all together because of the fragments that you had forgotten? Another thought - maybe the people that you don’t know that you see in your dreams/during meditation are people that you have unknowingly met or will meet in the near future? There are so many unanswered questions. Sure, we have labels that we throw onto these phenomena as we do with everything else, but do we actually know? I don’t believe so. As a matter of fact, I think we are further off than we even begin to realize because the human mind is not capable of understanding these things that we do not know or understand. Again, you be your own judge - that’s just my opinion.

The premonitions that I have had (as mentioned in one of my earlier blogs - go check it out for the backstory/context), have frightened me to my core. The pure emotion and accuracy in my dreams have baffled me for several years. I have learned to accept that I apparently possess some sort of gift and move forward with my life. When I have a premonition it is always random, but due to the repetitiveness of this phenomena, they don’t really come as much of a surprise anymore. There have been times I awoke and I was screaming, crying, and one time I even swung my fists at someone (yeah… whoops). I feel silly using the terms “soul” or “spirit” so I personally stay away from them. However, I do believe that we are composed of something magical that we have labeled and viewed in different ways. For me, to know the human anatomy inside and out, to know how the body functions, to specialize within my career in brain functioning, and knowing the complexities within both neuro, mental, and physical health; it completely blows my mind that we are just these living, walking, breathing, beings that are so powerful - and that there is nothing behind that. That’s it? It just is? We just are? I think not. There are things we don’t understand and may never understand. I believe that we all possess something special inside of us. Call it what you want: a soul, spirit, or any other combination of terms - we are more powerful that we give ourselves credit for. Whatever you believe in, just know that you are a strong being that can overcome any challenge in life. You possess the power to change your life and could possibly go on to change the lives of others if you so choose. Embrace yourself for who you are and what you believe, because regardless of anything I respect the hell out of each and every one of you for simply being your badass selves!

Now, let’s talk about something that lies on the opposite end of the mushy gushy emotional spectrum. The absence of emotion can technically happen to anybody at any given time. For me, I have had 2 memorable points in my life where I went through a several-month period where I felt nothing. There was an absence of emotion. I felt hardened. I couldn’t cry and I most certainly did not feel happiness. 

The first time this emotional numbness happened was during/after my divorce. For about a year after that train wreck was over I couldn’t emotionally feel anything. I tried to date (ew) and I couldn’t feel love or pleasure. I remember telling a very nice man that was absolutely wonderful to me in every way that I wanted to end things because I couldn’t feel - I didn’t love him. I didn’t want to lead him on, and after a month of dating and not feeling anything I couldn’t bear to see him so attached while I felt absolutely nothing. It was horrible, and I felt a sense of helplessness because I couldn’t just turn my emotions back on like a light switch. It took well over a year for me to bounce back and actually start to feel emotions again, but eventually, I was able to regain them. However, I do feel like I was forever changed in a way. I still carry that hardened exterior, I don’t trust easily, I have a permanent resting bitch face, in conversations, I am way too logical/realistic and cynical for people to even begin to handle, and I struggle with allowing myself to open up to others. Nobody is perfect, and I am sure at least a few of you can relate.

The second time this happened to me was recently. The emotional numbness lasted for a few months, beginning in September of last year to January of this year. For the first time in my life I decided to see a therapist. I didn’t want to, but a couple of people in my life who care about me said that I needed to seek help from someone other than myself (haha). I feel like it may have helped a bit, but I attribute my ability to bounce back to myself and work to change the way I was thinking. I also needed to engage in more self-care because I was extremely lacking in that department last year. So I began doing things on a daily basis that served myself, even if it was for only 15 minutes. Amidst my busy schedule, I needed to make that time for me and so I did. Both instances revolved around heavy stress times in my life - the heaviest I have experienced as an adult. For me, I think that in order to protect itself my the body just shut down and shut off everyone and everything around me. I couldn’t feel anything because feeling and experiencing emotion became seen as a threat. Funny - I still see it that way at times.

Similar to what I have experienced in my life, but much more severe, prominent, and chronic, is psychopathy. Psychopathy is defined as a mental (antisocial) personality disorder in which an individual may appear to hold no morals and exhibit antisocial behavior. These individuals also show a lack of ability to love, empathize, experience emotions, or establish meaningful personal relationships. Psychopaths are sometimes egocentric in their behavior and possess an inability to learn from experience and other behaviors associated with the condition. Take for example Ted Bundy: a calm, collected, calculated, suave serial killer. He appeared to be just like anyone else if you were to see him on the street. He engaged in relationships but did not possess the ability to truly love the individuals he was with (sound familiar?) Even in court he failed to empathize with the families of his victims and appeared to be unbothered - because he was. However, as one of the most well-known serial killers of the modern day, Bundy also had a fascination with murder and necrophelia - which, and I want to reiterate this very clearly, is NOT a common thread with those diagnosed with psychopathy. A lot of people use the term psychopath incorrectly and do not actually understand what constitutes psychopathy. Does being a psychopath mean that you’ll be a murderer? No. Does it mean you can never have a meaningful relationship? While questionable, the answer is no - there is no obsolete here. Does being a psychopath mean you are crazy? Hell no - and I don’t like to use the “C” word in a mental health context because (shocker) it’s fucking offensive. Interestingly enough, there is no written formal diagnosis in the DSM-5 (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual for Mental Health Disorders-Version 5) specifically for psychopathy. Instead, the formal diagnosis for someone who meets the criteria of antisocial personality disorder is said to mimic what most characterize as psychopathy. However, some mental health conditions may have a specifier such as psychopathic features. For example: in the DSM-5, under "Alternative DSM-5 Model for Personality Disorders", Antisocial Personality Disorder with psychopathic features is described as characterized by "a lack of anxiety or fear and by a bold interpersonal style that may mask maladaptive behaviors (e.g., fraudulence)."

While there is an ongoing argument on whether a psychopath is born or made, I say it is a little bit of both - and researchers agree. Children that show a lack of empathy, lack of guilt, and have shallow emotions, defined as callous-unemotional traits, are at increased risk of developing psychopathy in adulthood. These children are more likely to display antisocial behavior, such as bullying and aggression. Will every aggressive child develop psychopathy? No. Will every child who experiences some antisocial behavior develop psychopathy? No. There is a combination of factors that “when the stars align” create a predisposition for psychopathy to develop. It is truly a combination of individual genetics and the environment. So while the genetic factors are what is born within the individual, the environment further aids in shaping how this individual will develop. For example, a child who is aggressive, antisocial, and comes from a home where they are constantly physically and sexually abused is more likely to develop psychopathy, but may or may not depending on their specific genetic makeup. There are literally millions of combinations of neurons and other items that must connect and fail to connect to shape and form a psychopath. As time goes on these traits may become more dominant (indicating psychopathy) or may taper off and fall away (indicating that the person is likely not developing psychopathy and likely has just gone through “a phase”).

It is important to note that psychopathy can also be present and comorbid with other mental health conditions in any individual. The combinations here are endless. I have found that some individuals who experience psychopathy also experience delusions and hallucinations, while others who experience psychopathy have never had a delusion or hallucination in their life. The prognosis relies heavily on a special combination of genetics and environment. Genetics are a predisposition, while environment consists of direct exposures that can predispose but may also be manipulated. Each individual who experiences psychopathy experiences it in a different way and comes from their own unique background, therefore it is hard to pinpoint exactly what “type” of person truly defines a psychopath. Just like anything or anyone else - there are all kinds. We are all alike and the same but yet so very different. We are “kindred spirits” you might say. Whether or not you believe in souls, an afterlife, how we came to be, or what constitutes psychopathy - your opinion is still valid and you believe whatever you choose to believe. Open your mind before you open my blog. Sending you nothing but positivity and love. Until next time, creep it real ghouls and gals.

Cryptic Mystic Blog by PsychVVitch

www.LaMorteXiii.com

[fuckingrealityshifting]

Why do people insist on leaving behind a cr self that does stuff? Like, "cr clones" or whatnot. To me that sounds more like dissociating or daydreaming because youre still walking around, doing stuff, etc, so a bit of "you" is still... doing things! And obviously aware of it! It feels like the idea that people in the cr are still wandering around as you shift can become careless and dangerous to tell people (1/2)

And people may try and shift over to their dr their whole lives instead of living in the current reality that they originated from. I also feel like this may encourage things like dissociation as well and people may end up harming themselves over the idea of a current reality self that is continually doing things (I personally lie down in order to shift so I dont have to worry about what Ill leave behind. Bodies cant function without a mind after all!) (2/2) (sorry if i seem insensitive)

So people are referring to their alternate selves left behind, from my understanding, when they consciously shift (shift while awake) because their mind is kind of split between realities: part has shifted to their DR, the other is still here and forms what people think of as the CR clone when it’s really just an alternate self, you. It’s being in two realities at once basically.

You can’t insist to leave one behind, it just happens. People script how they act to afffirm it will act like them even when it is them. A lot of them are confused by the “it is a clone” mentality.

While shifting, from what I’ve seen people say, people aren’t aware of what’s going on on both realities. They experience one or the other fully and when they come back, they have memories of both.

But, most people shift while asleep, in which they fully shift and their entire consciousness moves. The time differences are so that they almost never are shifted through the entire night in this CR and so there’s not the issue of the body waking up.

To be honest I’m a little confused on whether there’s an alternate self left in your body when you shift while asleep? I’m inclined to say there isn’t. Stellar seemed to say there wasn’t. I think your body just... chills.

I do not have a dissociation/derealization/depersonalization disorder of any sort and while I’m not sure exactly why, I myself dissociate, and while I may be delusional in the moment, afterwards I can tell there is a clear difference on how I think when dissociated vs normally. This is because you are incredibly detached while dissociated, so when people recognize this, they should know they were not actually shifted. They will also not have vivid memories of their shifting experiences as they didn’t.

This kind of ties into my mental health series (which I will finish and I have not forgotten about!) about shifting and the main message-if you think your mental health isn’t strong enough to handle shifting please don’t. This applies to dissociation, of course, and if you are prone to delusions and dissociation enough that think shifting would not be healthy for you, please don’t. If you get into it and start to slip please stop. If it’s difficult for you to tell when it gets bad and you want to shift perhaps make a friend on Shiftblr to see if they can help recognize symptoms when you can’t.

Of course, sometimes the way people (mis)inform about shifting can be worrying. “DETATCH FROM YOUR CURRENT REALITY” DOES NOT MEAN PURPOSEFULLY DISSOCIATE OR ANYTHING! The attitude towards it especially on tiktok worries me.

If people obsess over shifting to the point they neglect their CR unfortunately we just have to try and help to prevent it and stop it. I can’t forcibly stop them.

I can’t control other shifters. I can’t force them to take breaks, properly educate themselves, or magically make sure only people who can mentally handle it find out about shifting. It’s just my responsibility to educate and advise people to the best of my ability and to correct when my ability falls short.

I can’t just stop teaching about alternate selves or shifting because some people might struggle with it. I just have to do my best with whatever comes up or whoever I am aware of that needs help.

But I’m also not a therapist or a mental health professional. Chances are my best will not be all that quality.

[illfoandillfie]

Had a hell of a month, getting sick and other things, overwhelmed by life not going right for just one minute so...can I ask a general reading? Maybe how things will go at home and life this upcoming months?

Thank u ❤

i’m so sorry it’s taken me so long to answer this darling and i hope things have been going better for you over the last couple of weeks! Your reading is under the cut

~Readings are closed, I’m just finishing off a few from the last batch so please don’t send any more~

tarot: 5 of pentacles, 3 of cups, queen of pentacles, strength, page of swords, ace of pentacles.

Okay so the 5 of pentacles represents insecurity and need. It can be a material struggle like something financial but it can also relate to health issues so if you’ve been sick recently, that may be why it’s showing up here. But the thing about the 5 of pentacles is that, while it speaks of unhappiness and being down on your luck, it is ultimately a hopeful card. Relief is right around the corner. The strength card is about strength, obviously, both physical and mental forms. The message of these cards together is that, while things have been rough recently, they will start looking up soon. On one hand, related to the illness, you will regain your physical strength and health. And on a more mental/emotional side, it’s encouraging you to persevere through the challenges you’ve been facing. Strength is about squaring your shoulders and doing your best, even when the load you carry is heavy and these cards want you to remember that you are capable and will be able to endure.

Next up we have the 3 of cups and the page of swords. The 3 of cups depicts three friends celebrating together and so it symbolises social situations or events as well as friendship, community and happiness. It’s saying that the challenges you’ve been dealing with recently will soon be coming to an end and, most likely will end in a satisfactory or victorious way. The page of swords may represent you or someone you know, though with that 3 of cups above it I’d probably be inclined to say it isn’t referring to you. This page represents curiosity and mental energy. He’s bright and witty and alert, a good communicator, and full of energy. The page of swords can also relate to secrets so is sometimes seen as a spy or observer. If you have a friend who’s been keeping an eye out for you and supporting you through this rough patch, it may be referring to them. These cards seem to be saying that you’ll find you can move through the challenges by engaging with other people. That may be in regards to just talking to someone about your problems and maybe seeking advice about how to tackle something or deal with a particular problem. Or it could be about seeking out friends and family who can inspire you to keep moving forward and who can be a sort of light at the end of the tunnel. There will be cause to celebrate with them eventually.

Finally we have the queen of pentacles and ace of pentacles. The suit of pentacles is related to the material and those more grounded elements of life like home and work, so it makes sense for us to have drawn a few pentacles cards in this reading. The Queen is particularly related to home and family. She is nurturing and generous, representing financial security and practicality but she also represents luxury and abundance. Again, she may represent somebody close to you, probably a motherly figure who can advise you or help you, or she could represent yourself.  The ace of pentacles is about new opportunities or beginnings, prosperity and contentment. They’re good cards to get at the end of this reading. Thing are definitely going to be turning around for you soon and may have already started. With that ace you’ll be able to have a fresh start soon, one that lets you move on from your illness and any challenges you’ve been dealing with and regain a sense of control and balance. The nurturing, caring energy of the Queen may be something you need to consider either in approaching this new beginning so you can be sure it grows into something really good, or just in how you consider yourself. Be kind to yourself and allow yourself time off so that you can stay happy and healthy.

Now to your oracles. 

From the Moonology deck: Full Moon in Aquarius - Show the World The Real You. 

The full moon is a time to release and let go and that energy is triples when combined with the energy of Aquarius. Pulling this card indicates a need to detach a little from your situation. At the moment things seem overwhelming and confusing and difficult but taking a step back might help you see a bigger picture or that the end to your troubles is within reach. Life is made of ups and downs and if you can remember that it’ll make it easy to get through the downs. Connect with your feelings and be aware of them but be prepared to move on. 

Talent from the Spellcasting deck speaks of giving things your best shot and being proud of yourself no matter the outcome. You were born with great potential but it needs to be nurtured and honed to ensure you can be at your finest. You may not succeed immediately but practice makes perfect. This really ties in with that strength card I think - both are trying to say that you do have what it takes to get through these challenges and become stronger for it, though it might take some time and patience. But you will be able to live up to your potential and overcome these problems. 

You got 2 ice cream oracles - Spumoni (Variety/Opportunity/Choices) and Pistachio (Emotional healing/Independance/Responsibility) 

Spumoni’s link to opportunity ties in with that ace of pentacles in saying that you will have a chance to break out of your current situation but  I think the choices part is very important too. The people on the 5 of pentacles card are seeking help. They’re making the choice to ask for aid. I think this card is saying that you may have to create an opportunity for growth by seeking help or advice from people - perhaps that queen of pentacles or (more likely in my opinion) the page of swords. Pistachio and that emotional healing bodes well for you and your ability to heal from this experience. Part of it is possibly linked to falling ill and getting better but I think it’s largely to do with your mental health and making sure you’re looking after yourself as your find the light at the end of the tunnel. 

Related to that, I drew you 2 self care cards. Chanting and Nourish Your Temple. 

In the guidebook the entry for Chanting talks about learning to tone “Om” while meditating or incorporating chanting into activities like yoga as a way to loosen up and connect with the chakras. But There’s a deeper message here too about allowing your voice to be heard. It’s an interesting message, especially after the moonology and spellcasting cards which both related to a similar message. If you’ve been hiding something now may be the time to open up about it. And if you’re struggling with your situation this may be encouraging you to seek help. Don’t hide your talents or your voice, allow the world to know who you really are. And make note of any physical or mental blocks that are stopping you from being yourself openly, so you can figure out how to get past them. 

Nourish Your Temple is about taking care of your body and mind. Pay attention to what your body wants and needs. It might be that you aren’t drinking enough water or that your body is asking for a particular healthy food or movement practice. It can be as simple as stretching your arms a couple of times a day or remembering to take any medication you’re using or going to bed half an hour earlier. It could even be something like wanting to use a face mask or body scrub or to wear a particular necklace you usually save for special occasions. It’s also about taking care of your mental health too - remembering to be positive in your self-talk and taking breaks to give your brain some rest. Take some time to tune into your body and figure out what you need and then, be like the queen of pentacles, and nurture yourself, provide for yourself. 

[randomestfandoms-ocs]

Drop the Evie essay you wrote

okay so first of all it wasn’t really an essay the way some of my ramblings are, more like just me writing down all of my thoughts in a vaguely coherent manner bc my brain was running too fast to really organize it 

and second of all, just to be on the safe side, these are the potential trigger warnings that I would give for the essay — I don’t know if they all actually come up or not, but better safe than sorry, so proceed with caution!

Potential TWs: being outed, parental neglect, character death (canon), suicide attempts (semi-canon), eating disorders, lots of mental health issues, and lots of general trauma and feelings of never being good enough, and canon typical references to drinking/drugs/partying/etc

so just like a fun fact, Evie’s vitamin water of choice is zero sugar strawberry lemonade and yes i spent too long reading reviews on different flavours all because gossip girl did an entire product placement episode

anyways now onto real thoughts let’s go lesbians let’s go

so okay evie has a... very negative experience with Lily’s various boyfriends and husbands.  When Evie was younger she was always hopeful that this time would be different, that they’d be a family, that her mom would actually stick around, and every single time she’s been let down and left heartbroken.  When her mom starts dating Bart, Evie is very against it but she just can’t be bothered to even try to talk to Lily — Lily will date him, maybe get married, play house, abandon her children, then get divorced, and the cycle will repeat, and Lily will never give a shit about how her children feel about it.  Bart is just the latest rich man for Lily to set her sights on.  Given the overall shittiness of most of Lily’s exes, Evie had figured she would be a lot more vocally against Lily dating again, but Bart... 

Bart himself may terrify Evie, but Evie’s unwavering faith that Chuck will always protect her outweighs that fear, and Evie has long since given up on her mom caring about her opinions so she just takes comfort in the fact that Chuck will be there and tries to just ignore the rest — and the fact that Bart is pretty much always away does help with that.  That being said, she was very distraught when Bart spends season 1 christmas with them, but then Bart’s “present” for her was flying Chuck home for a few days because Lily mentioned that Eric was teasing Evie about being excited about having Chuck as a brother, and he's trying to semi-win over the kids (aka bribe them into accepting him as Lily’s fiancé)

Evie speaks several languages!  She started learning French and Spanish at a very young age, and then picked more up from Lily’s various husbands.  She’s not fluent in all of them but she can hold conversations in eight languages — and four of them were from Lily’s boyfriends (and italian was half pieced together from French and Spanish), and she just keeps learning more because she tries to keep herself too busy to think at any given moment

Rufus is her favourite step-dad by far, but Chuck is her favourite step-sibling (and second favourite sibling, after Eric).  That being said, Bart was surprisingly decent to her because even he quickly figured out that Evie has the innate ability to get Chuck to do basically anything, and he wanted her on his side, only he underestimated how much Evie hates him for treating Chuck like shit — as she says in 2x07, “if you want us to be a family, you should learn how to be a dad”

Evie has a bit of a thing for stealing coats lmao — it’s not unusual to find her stealing Chuck, Eric, Theo, or even Nate’s jackets when she gets cold or starts feeling particularly self conscious.  At the housewarming party she actually gets to bothered by all the media watching her constantly that Chuck goes and gets her one of his blazers to replace the cropped one she was wearing, and she immediately feels a bit more at east

Evie is a jock like it’s understated but she’s on multiple sports teams at school and plays outside of school too — she’s also in dance classes several times a week, along with private vocal lessons, and being part of every theatre production at Constance Billard (musicals and plays), and is on the yearbook committee.  Basically, Evie needs a fucking nap, and with a lot of pushing from Chuck and Eric and Theo (to balance out Blair “do absolutely everything in the name of Yale” Waldorf) she does eventually ease up on her extra-curriculars

She holds far too much power in the Constance-St Jude hierarchy.  She’s a freshman, but it’s well known that Evie is completely untouchable.  Some people (cough Jenny) might try to cross Blair, but no one is stupid enough to go after Evie — she’s not just Blair’s protégée, she’s also under Chuck’s protection.  And when Jenny does try to cross her in season 3 (physical and emotional bullshit, public humiliation, telling the entire school she’d tried to kill herself and had been at Ostroff not “in florida”), well... she learns that even being family won’t stop her entire life from being destroyed

Speaking of Jenny... that’s a very messy relationship — I want to like Jenny, I really do, but I just... don’t so far.  They’re a very sweet relationship early on, neither of them had dated before and they were just really smitten with each other and things were good.  There were definitely some issues because of the Jenny-Blair war, but they’d been okay — or so Evie had thought, until Jenny dumped her by means of introducing everyone to her new boyfriend, Asher.  Then of course there’s the party and Jenny outing her, and then just not talking to her for months until she needs something from them (an in to the White Party).  Eric manages to convince Evie to play nice, but he does so under the impression that Jenny had apologized to Evie — he didn’t know she’d only apologized to him.  Eventually Jenny does apologize and Evie tries to forgive her, and she keeps giving Jenny more and more second chances (especially once they become step sisters), but Jenny really just keeps hurting Evie to get on top because with Blair gone, Evie immediately becomes the new queen, and Jenny cares more about being queen than being nice.  Little does she realize that part of why Evie became queen with no challenge is because she’s nice.

and regarding Evie’s other relationships... so serena was a really good big sister when Eric & Evie were kids — Blair was the responsible sister and Serena was the fun sister, but it was a good balance and it worked.  But when the twins were around eleven and Serena was around 13, she became besties with Georgina Sparks, and everything went to shit.  Serena started getting into partying and drinking and drugs and became just as flighty and unreliable as Lily, which takes a significant toll on the twins’ mental health — side note, one of their therapists at the Ostroff Centre believes that their significant codependency stems from the abandonment issues they have as a result of Lily and Serena just up and leaving them whenever anything “better” comes along.

And unfortunately for the twins, this was around the same time (grade 6) that Theo got sent to boarding school, so really they lost both their sister and their best friend at the same time, and Theo leaving also messed up the overall group dynamics and they half lost Nate too — he was still in their lives but he went from being the dad to Blair’s mom to being more of a big brother, and there was this sort of hole that didn’t get filled until a couple of years later.

And of course, a lot of it then fell to Blair to try to fill that hole and the holes left by Serena and Lily and went from being sort of “mom friend big sister” to “literally the closest thing we have to a mom”, which is also just a lot of pressure for a thirteen year old girl and part of why Blair and Chuck got a lot closer after he ended up becoming their dad was because she finally had someone that she could talk to too.

Also like full disclosure, Chuck never really intended to become their dad.  He started off as a reluctant big brother because he was Nate’s best friend and Nate was the dad friend when they were younger, and Evie just kind of decided that she loved him and like no one can argue with Evie so all of a sudden he was part of the family.  He doesn’t really become dad until the van der Woodsens move into the hotel because suddenly Eric and Evie are just always there, and he doesn’t even realize it until months later, after Serena is gone and he realizes that he’s been skipping parties to like play mario kart and shit with the twins and Blair is just like “lmao yeah buddy you’re the last one to get this memo”

and then there’s this list that I made of the NJBC’s roles in raising the twins and theo back when they were younger

Blair: holds their hands to cross the street, teaches them not to talk to people who wear sneakers or to strangers, teaches them how to dress themselves like respectable people, makes them finish their homework before watching tv, hates all of their nannies and only trusts dorota to take care of them Nate: teaches them to tie their laces and their ties, plays video games and sports with them, helps them with homework and doesn't get impatient when they struggle, lets them use his notebooks to draw in when they're bored Chuck: will destroy anyone who hurts them, teaches them street smarts and how to tell when someone is lying, is the one who lets them do dumb and reckless things because he'd rather they do them when he's there to get in trouble, still refuses to believe that they know what sex is Serena: reminded them that it's okay to have fun and draw outside the lines, stood up for them when lily was being a shit mom and always tried to protect them from the worst of her neglect, came up with games to play when they were sad to take their minds off whatever is upsetting them

And Theo!!!!!!  Theo has been their best friend for their entire lives!  They’ve known him since they were babies and the three of them have always been inseparable!  Like highkey they were just a more functional NJBC lmao, and we love them for it!  Theo getting sent to boarding school was really hard on all three of them but they stayed in constant contact and whenever Theo is back in the city, it’s almost impossible to see them not together.  Theo does know that they were in the Centre, so once he’s back full time, he’s spending as much time visiting them as he can!  Even when Eric and Theo are dating (and later when Evie and Theo are dating), the group dynamics really never change!  It’s still always the three of them, and sometimes Jenny in s1, they’re still each other’s family, and they’re still just a bit too interdependent to be entirely healthy (it’s the trauma and neglectful parents)

on a slightly related note, neither of the twins drink anything other than champagne and sometimes wine, and neither of them touch drugs at all, and it’s entirely because of Serena.  They’ve both seen how much she’s changed since she got into that scene, and especially since ‘liking partying’ turned into ‘alcohol addiction’, and they’re both too afraid of ending up like that to even take the risk.  It’s something that definitely sets them apart from pretty much any of their peers, but they’ve gotten very good at just laughing it off with a “hey, I just don’t want to end up on Gossip Girl tomorrow” which people generally accept

(that being said, Evie did smoke for a while pre-canon bc cigarettes curb hunger, but she hasn’t smoked at all since ending up in the Centre, and once she’s out too many people have an eye on her for her to even try, and she does want to stop)

(TW ATTEMPTED SUICIDE, fairly detailed discussion) so okay the breaking point for the twins... lily had just gone awol again and Blair was away visiting her dad and evie was at the archibalds’ house hanging out with theo, who was home for a weekend, and eric didn’t want to call anyone because lily’s disappearance had left him in a spiral of feeling annoying and like people didn’t really want him in their lives and there wasn’t a specific trigger but instead of the spiral slowing down or evie/chuck/blair being able to pull him out of it, it just kept getting worse until he was slitting his wrist in the bathroom — only Evie had just gotten home and when he didn’t reply to her calling his name, she got freaked out and started looking for him and when she saw him, she just... couldn’t deal.  She called 911 for eric but then she was just in the bathroom and covered in his blood and she didn’t know what to do and she needed to calm down so she grabbed a bottle of valium that she thinks was Lily’s but instead of just taking one pill she ended up taking all of them and downing them with a bottle of vodka serena had hidden — once she realized what she’d done she called Chuck and basically just said “I think I fucked up” and Chuck freaks out (understandably) and rushes to their suite and gets there basically just in time to see both of them being loaded into an ambulance; he claims he’s their brother and rides with them to the hospital where he calls blair, and arranges for his jet to pick her up asap, and then tries (unsuccessfully) to get in touch with lily