#jakobs manor metas

[wainwrightjakobshammerlock]

Randomly remembered that Borderlands canonically has several kinds of xenohumans/abhumans/whatever you're calling them and I do not fucking know why we're not talking about that more.

[wainwrightjakobshammerlock]

People who unironically think Jack was a good guy are cringe for many reasons but one is just. A complete lack of self awareness.

Yes, he wants to kill all the bandits. Who are allegedly the reason Pandora is ruined (it's not).

Except that, guess who introduced bandits to Pandora?

Dahl. A fellow corporation. But instead of taking the offloading slaves on a backwater for the purposes of resource extraction to the people who did it, he attacks the slaves.

Hm this certainly has no parallels to real life whatsoever. Surely there has never been a real life situation where an inhabited place was purposefully colonized and destabilized for the sake of profit, and then the inhabitants were the ones blamed and attacked and othered. Surely.

[wainwrightjakobshammerlock]

I feel like a huge problem with BL3 that nobody talks about is that the writers seemed to have overestimated the media literacy of their audience:

Ava being written realistically like an actual teenager should be praised, but players found her annoying.

In the case of the Calypso Twins, they were purposefully written to be annoying and yet nobody recognized that they achieved what they were supposed to because, again, players found them annoying. Also, they're streamers, they're modern asshats, and the playerbase seemed to hate them on that basis as well, ignorant of how a good villain is often supposed to be hated.

The fact that the main theme of family, as well as the entire themes of certain arcs are barely if ever discussed.

I'm not saying this absolves the writers of anything, because they still did a kinda mid execution of what they aimed to do (to paraphrase House of Leaves, BL3 contains two stories: the story that it aimed to be, and the story that it is). But still.

[wainwrightjakobshammerlock]

The one utterly fatal flaw with Borderlands, specifically its critique of capitalism, is the narrative's assumption human beings are not inherently cooperative - and in fact inherently competitive.

Historical evidence from hunter-gatherer societies, biological evidence from corvids or bees or other social species, children learning to cry as their first skill: it all suggests us humans are inherently predisposed towards being social and altruistic. We do not require centralized power in order to organize effectively, and we are not naturally predisposed towards competition no matter how much propaganda tries to tell us that we are.

From a Doylist perspective, Borderlands fundamentally misses this argument, so often used to critique capitalism.

Bandits, for instance, a loosely defined disadvantaged group known for associating themselves into clans pretty much on their own, respect only the rule of force. No redemption or kindness is offered to anyone who has ever wronged the main characters; revenge is the only option.

This doesn't mean Borderlands is necessarily a bad critique, just a shallow one. Hey Anthony Burch if you want a copy of Kropotkin's The Conquest Of Bread hmu I have a pdf

[wainwrightjakobshammerlock]

unironically i think wainwright becoming a class traitor would be a great storyline + conclusion to his arc. being thrust into a role he never wanted but seemed prestigious only to find out it's all rotten to the fucking core. realizing he literally cannot spend his money on investments, charities, even fun things for himself, fast enough. reading a shitload of theory just because hey it's books . breaking the cycle of generational trauma by setting fire to the entire carriage

[wainwrightjakobshammerlock]

"BL3 fell flat on its face bc it made you ally to two corporations and Corporations Are Always Evil" just because you sometimes get a good king doesn't make monarchy a good system

[wainwrightjakobshammerlock]

"Omg Rhys acts just like Jack in New Tales!!!!!! He's so OOC and EVIL and he would never do this!!!!!!!" Jack would have airlocked Anu the first time she released the jabbers.

[wainwrightjakobshammerlock]

One thing I love about Borderlands is that they don't explain any of the technology.

In the vast majority of scifi or scifi adjacent settings there's a lot of hypothetical science or at least technobabble to back things up. If there is magic then it's never called magic and backed up by some kind of pseudoscientific explanation or told to be the work of Clarke's third law and the hyper advanced precursors.

But not in Borderlands. Guns that shoot lightning? Yep. Instant teleportation? Yeah. Whatever the fuck digistructing is? Yes. Almost every single legendary weapon doing things that violate laws of physics? Yup.

The rustic victorian-esque vaguely Japanese inspired manor has a holographic doorbell that makes a horse neigh sound. A main villain uses the eye of an eldritch horror from beyond as a focus for his gigantic laser beam. One of the playable characters is a teenage girl that built a killer robot for her space fair. At least one fifth of the whole cast has some kind of cybernetic implant. There's at least 3 kinds of magic space rock phlebotinum. Robots feel pain, but in slow motion. You can physically go into people's minds, and the loot you get in there works normally in reality (most of the time).

How does this all work? Rule of cool. That's it.

[wainwrightjakobshammerlock]

i feel like starting some discourse today

(if you don't know what a hard or soft magic system is, please don't vote until you google it lol)

[wainwrightjakobshammerlock]

can you imagine. the juxtaposition of maliwan and jakobs . how it would fit into the overarching theme of bl3

maliwan is a family Business. a hipster silicon valley corporate cult masquerading as Cool. elemental weapons, advanced tech. family as another word for war, struggle, discipline. transhumanist only in name, functionally deeply ableist, with dehumanization of people down into mere assets, things running rampant. presented as villainous.

jakobs is a Family business. old timey, largely cordial, an arrangement of people who just Know one another. non-elemental, simplistic but powerful. family as the core, the meaning of it all as community and respect - reliance, civility, honor. with an explicitly disabled man now at the helm of it. presented as heroic.

if only they did this shit FUCKING CORRECTLY

[wainwrightjakobshammerlock]

I finally figured out why I hate writing Rhys.

He suffers from terminal isekai protagonist syndrome.

[wainwrightjakobshammerlock]

wainwright jakobs is a very compelling character to me for a myriad of reasons but i think the biggest one is how his story is very realistic for someone with an "invisible" disability.

usually, disabilities are divided into invisible and visible ones. visible usually being things like amputations and invisible usually being things like autism. but this dichotomy is often false, because invisible disabilities can become very visible in certain situations.

wainwright is half blind. he has been since birth. it was not caused by any injury or accident, he simply is half blind.

his disability is not entirely invisible - his left eyelid droops slightly. this drooping is called unilateral ptosis, and it is usually a symptom of other conditions, such as nerve damage. but unless you zoom into his face, it can be hard to notice. it doesn't really help that before guns, love and tentacles, his half blindness was only explicitly stated in a typhon log (to this day, even the official borderlands wiki just says he has "poor eyesight").

that is, unless he's wielding a gun he can't aim. then, suddenly, his disability becomes very visible, almost painfully so. in his own words, he can't shoot a grog from the porch at midday.

to the outsider, this might seem minor. in real life, most people can't aim guns either. but the borderlands universe revolves around firearms both in and out of universe, and wainwright himself is the heir to one of the major gun manufacturer corporations. the one that's a family business and whose main gimmick is critical hits (which require aiming for the head), just to make it worse.

he struggles with doing something that is not only a fundamental and essential life skill, but is also highly expected of him. but you couldn't tell that by just looking at him, so why would anyone care?

except, he's still managing to live his life despite of that. yes, internally he's torn apart of feelings of inadequacy (which honestly sounds like internalized ableism to me). but he's as much of a badass as any other borderlands character you meet, and manages to fend off and misdirect even troy fucking calypso. how?

his shotgun. shotguns have large spreads anyways, so you don't have to be perfectly accurate. they do large damage, so if you do hit something with enough pellets you can be sure it's dead. no finicking around with trying to do something you can't anyways.

it's an accomodation, a disability aid. it, like many other things, enables someone to do something they couldn't without it. wheelchairs or crutches help with movement. noise cancelling headphones help with loud places. aac helps with communication.

and this?

this helps with a lot of things.

[wainwrightjakobshammerlock]

yknow what im becoming an aurelia apologist. free my girl she's a product of her environment and deep within herself she cares but is severely autistic and was never taught emotional intelligence or basic social skills beyond Etiquette(tm) but is unable to admit this

[wainwrightjakobshammerlock]

THE WAINLOCK GUIDE

Preface

Hello! Welcome to the Wainlock guide! I’m Nikolai Jakobslock, your host and number one scholar in the ways of Borderlands old man bara. Today I will be presenting you with my Knowledge of these two silly peepaws, and how to write them; and trust me, I am qualified to speak on this topic. They do not call me the CEO of Wainlock for nothing.

DISCLAIMER 1: Certain aspects of this, especially the symbols sections, are subjective. Like all fictional characters, these two are ultimately up to interpretation. Here, I am just laying down the way I personally interpret these two, and what I can extrapolate from canon.

DISCLAIMER 2: This text assumes you have played BL3 and BL2, and have at least basic familiarity with these two. I am not going to explain the entire Borderlands lore here. Go watch EruptionFang’s timeline for that, or whatever. I tried to be comprehensive, but even I have my limits.

DISCLAIMER 3: This might be a little bit incoherent because I have ADHD, which means I have a crippling addiction to writing walls of text. Also, English is not my first language. Sorry.

CONTENT WARNINGS: Usual Borderlands fare (gore, animal and human death, guns), alcohol, drugs, mentions of sexual assault, abuse, parental neglect.

Sir Alistair Hammerlock(-Jakobs)

Backstory

Hammerlock is from the planet Hermes. Not much is known, but it apparently has a thin, helium-rich atmosphere, and forests. It is ultimately up to you how you interpret this information, as we haven’t visited the place yet.

It’s unclear when he left home, but what is somewhat clear is that he left early and has no intentions of returning. His family is, or at least styles themselves, like a noble house; getting rich off of questionable ventures (they have what he calls “blood money”) and genuinely being shady as all fuck. Additionally, his father was needlessly harsh (sending him to Pandora as a punishment for swearing in a formal environment), and his mother doesn’t seem to be a good person either, considering how even Aurelia is waiting for her to die.

While he is by no means poor, he seems to live (or have lived, until he literally married into a multi trillion dollar megacorporation) in relative squalor compared to his turbo-mansion owning sister, so it’s safe to say he inherited none of his family’s fortune. (Not to mention how rusty and scrappy his prosthetics look.) He represents the trope of the impoverished blue-blood, as well as someone who defected from what we might consider decadence.

Hammerlock is a hunter, adventurer and gentleman. He is described as such in his very intro cards, and this has echoed through his entire character.

He has been all over the Borderlands, perhaps even all over the Six Galaxies, and seems to have a “this reminds me of…” for every situation. He worked in corporate advertising, he’s seen wonders beyond imagining, he’s written at least one book on the myriad creatures of the galaxy. He’s befriended pretty much every Vault Hunter of note. Both Eista (a fellow hunter) and the lore book admit he has a legendary reputation.

That being said, of course, a life of adventure isn’t so glamorous as it seems. He admits to having a large collection of scars from being shot, bitten and mauled so much, and there’s even a line that implies he was once sexually assaulted. And of course, then there’s Old Slappy.

Personality

Despite the trauma mentioned above, Alistair doesn’t seem to budge from his shiny, chipper demeanor. He’s probably the nicest guy on Pandora, in fact.

He’s honest, kind, doesn’t get angry when the player messes up a sidequest and kindly explains what you need to do.

However, he also doesn’t often show explicit (negative OR positive, though mostly negative) emotion. Rarely does his steely gentleman persona - or perhaps, armor - break. The closest it gets is in either his Parting Words echolog, when he seems on the verge of crying as he says what he thinks is his last “farewell”, or in the ending of Guns, Love and Tentacles, where his voice cracks TWICE as his concern for his beloved reaches its apex.

Also in that ending, he admits he “was so afraid”. This is one of the only 2 times he genuinely admits fear (outside of the immensely gentlemanly and polite expression “I’m afraid I…”), and this is understandable. He’s a fearless adventurer! He’s not afraid of anything!

Except he is. He very much is. He just does not admit it to anyone willy nilly.

In fact, he doesn’t admit much of his emotions in general. He is a stoic, the archetypal gentleman with a stiff upper lip. (This is far more pronounced in BL2 than in BL3: I choose to interpret it as Wainwright helping his beloved open up a little.) But it is a facade, and underneath is a tangled bundle of repressed emotions.

What is NOT a facade, however, is his sheer hope. Regardless of the things he’s seen, he does seem to genuinely believe in the inherent goodness and kindness of people. He was willing to give Aurelia one last chance, even after all she’s done.

Keep in mind to not mistake this for naivety or harmlessness, of course. Alistair is intelligent, and as bloodthirsty as you’d expect a seasoned explorer of the Borderlands to be. In fact, his thrill-seeking tendencies sometimes even teeter on the masochistic. I wouldn’t be surprised if his (human) killcount was in the early triple digits.

His passion for and dedication to his life’s work as a zoologist is equally admirable, and personally reminds me of the way an autistic is passionate for their special interest (because I am autistic). This is a man with a zest for life, and enough energy to power a large city for a week.

Dialogue

Alistair speaks with that typical, quintessential Received Pronunciation accent. His voice is crisp, clear, melodic.

His vocabulary is very sizable. Often will he use complex, sophisticated words, and that often ends up with his lines being overly verbose. Like, really long. I recommend picking up a thesaurus to find the fanciest synonyms you can find.

If he does swear, it’s usually something light like “bloody”, or a verbose/fancy version of a preexisting swear, like “fecal matter!” instead of “shit!”.

Despite him talking like the Victorian English gentleman directly stolen from a steampunk novel that he is, he is not above peppering in the occasional hard swear or funny word. “I’m standing right here, dude.” comes to mind. Also, I just think he should be allowed to say fuck in sufficiently emotionally charged situations.

Speaking of those, we don’t really ever see him having a proper breakdown, but if he would, I think he’d just vomit a tide of half-formed word salad.

Associations, Symbols, Motifs, Etc.

This section is subjective.

Air, weather, wind (something something Hermes is the god of messengers)

Lightning, energy

The Sun

Snow (NOT ice, that’s his sister’s thing)

Nature, fauna (obviously), but also human naturalism; awareness of man as an animal with biological functions or as a persistence predator

Animal death: bones, teeth, fossils, leather-bound books, fur coats, taxidermy

Precision, finesse (it’s weapon based characterization: sniper rifles are his preference after all)

The ideal of a medieval knight: chivalry and nobility but also armor and weapons

Swords, rapiers, knives; scissors, needles, razors

Mechanisms, specifically clockwork (steampunk comes to mind again)

Glass & earthenware in general, especially cracked (scarred)

Travel, motion

Metals: silver, copper, brass and bronze; anything molten, polished or scratched

Light

Sugar, particularly sugary baked goods (biscuits), with the exception of certain savory flavors like meat

What NOT to do

DO NOT give out first name privileges to too many characters.

The only people in the series who ever call Alistair by his first name are his sister and his husband. Everyone else calls him Hammerlock. If someone calls him by his first name, it better fucking be someone important to him, like a long-time close friend.

DO NOT fall into racist cliches holy fuck man.

If I have to see one more work where a character of color is described as having chocolate colored skin I will go insane. There’s, like, a 100000 descriptors you can use and you choose the racist cliche.

DO NOT ignore the fact he’s disabled.

Do some research on phantom pains, how prostheses can be both useful and cumbersome (often the latter).

Wainwright Del Frisco Jakobs(-Hammerlock)

Backstory

Wainwright’s homeworld is Eden-6, which is thankfully a location we can visit in game. In fact, we can even visit his ancestral home, the Jakobs Estate.

As far as we know, he has never been offworld until Alistair sort of dragged him out of his house and into the great beyond. He knows the nooks and crannies of the manor like the back of his own hand, and uses that knowledge to outrun and misdirect Troy, among other things. In a way, he is that place, - explicitly being described as a homebody.

We do not know much about his mother Margaret, but he seems to miss her dearly. His father Montgomery however… well. Ol’ monty was quite neglectful. He refused to spend money to maintain certain parts of the estate, or to ensure his son had a good life. When Winny opened up about not feeling strongly about running the family business, Monty seems to have pinned the blame on his son’s boyfriend, and not on his own shitty parenting.

That being said of course, it’s not like Wainwright didn’t go out of the house at all. ECHO logs describe him as going to bars around the basin, mingling with the “common folks”, things like that. For an heir to a megacorporation, he sure is surprisingly down to earth (in stark contrast with Katagawa Jr., another corpo higher-up we meet in BL3).

Additionally, before the CoV killed everyone, the manor was full of staff and relatives and visitors. It was alive, its own microcosm of the world, and young Wainwright definitely made friends with a great many of them.

Now, they’re all gone, and the manor’s empty and largely unused. Decrepit, even. But he could restore it to glory.

Not to mention the mistakes his corporate predecessors have made are waiting for him there, in his office, to be unfortunately discovered…

Personality

Wainwright is a fairly simple, good ol’ boy. Humble, insecure, even anxious - but also painfully stubborn (that last one is a Jakobs family trait, if a certain line is to be believed).

He is far more open about his emotions, and not just when he’s drunk. Sometimes he curses like a witch, yet joyfully exclaims just how much he’s glad that the Vault Hunter saved his life (thank you David Wald, you really put your whole pussy into this performance).

Speaking of drunkenness, this is a crucial part of him, and not just because he drinks whiskey a lot. At best, he’s a social drinker and at worst he’s drowning his sorrows.

He’s somewhat grumpy, with some of that old man crankiness in him, but also not really. Preferring peace and quiet, he himself is fairly peaceful, but heavens fucking help you if you disturb him. In essence, the guy’s a period piece white suit wearin’ southern gentleman: charming, fine, but also fairly “stiff” or “slow”. Except without the shitty parts (i.e. racism), thank god.

Wainwright is fiercely protective of his own, being prepared to sacrifice anything for them - including himself, even (back to that humbleness and insecurity, but with a selfless bent). He’s also not above using underhanded tactics to get what he wants (back to that stubbornness again) from people he doesn’t trust or like. He’s the Wisdom to Alistair’s Intelligence, if that makes any sense; he can be a little bit clueless sometimes (you’re supposed to run AWAY from the glowing pit cultists are sacrificing people to, not towards it!).

For people he does trust, though - he definitely believes in fairness and kindness. Reliance, civility, honor, all that, are qualities he absolutely has even if he doesn’t think so.

He’s not particularly out for blood unless it’s revenge related or self defense, but this being Borderlands his killcount is absolutely above 0.

Personally, I think he also has a slight epicurean or perhaps even hedonist streak, enjoying and savoring life’s pleasures as they come and go, but understanding that suffering is a painful, inevitable part of life.

Dialogue

Wainwright speaks in a typical southern accent, even though Eden-6 being the Space Louisiana that it is, you’d expect a specifically Cajun accent (and to me, this man is 100% Cajun as fuck). If TvTropes is to be believed, then this is something that happens often, but y’know. His voice is warm, soft, flowin’.

Somehow, his speech strikes a perfect balance between crass and classy. He often uses wacky, flowery country metaphors and idioms, but also perfectly enunciates words like “perforate”, knowing what they mean. His vocabulary is as rich as Alistair’s if not more (reading a ton of books will do that, but also Monty says shit like morose ruminations, so.), he just doesn’t use big words as often.

He also swears much, much more frequently. When he’s drunk, or emotionally riled up, he swears up a storm. Unfortunately he never says the f word because Gearbox was too afraid to give him such power, lest his homosexuality evaporate the CoV in 5 seconds (joke).

Associations, Symbols, Motifs, Etc.

This section is subjective.

Earth, soil, mud

Gunpowder, smoke, ash, oil

The Moon

Gardens (something something Eden is garden of paradise, something something the untended gardens of the Jakobs Estate)

Fire: specifically in the context of the hearth, the fireplace, or guns

Guns and gun parts (obviously)

Wood (including woody smells like sandalwood, pine sap and cedar), paper

Cloth, silk, treated leather. Also sewing

Metals: iron, lead, gold (including in the context of gold = money, riches)

Force, strength (again, think of it as weapon-based characterization: he uses a shotgun)

The comforts of home, stillness

Doors and doorways, curtains, hallways, furniture

Time and its passing: people and alcohol aging, rotting wood, heritage and inheritance

The archetype of a king or heir to the throne

Blood, bandages

Repair, mending and maintenance, whether literal or metaphorical

Salt, with the exception of “old fashioned” sweets like syrup or honey

THE HEART STILL BEATS! THE HEART STILL BLEEDS!

What NOT to do

DO NOT assume he’s uneducated just because he’s got a southern accent.

This guy was born into a rich ass corporate family. He can perfectly say “fatal testicular devastation” without falling over his words. He’s a bookworm on levels heretofore unseen. He probably had an expensive university, or perhaps personally tutored education. This man is wise, just in different situations than Alistair is.

DO NOT type out the accent too much.

But also, DO NOT not type it out at all. Typing out those in’s and an’s can actually assist the reader with imagining his voice, recognize when he speaks, AND it’s canon accurate because the in-game subtitles also do that!

Then how much should you DO type it out? See above: around as much as the in-game subtitles would. I personally like to type it out more strongly when Wainwright is tired, and weakly when he’s pissed, but to each their own.

DO NOT ignore the fact that he’s disabled.

Yes I am saying this again. He’s half blind, and it affects him greatly. And it doesn’t look like it can be replaced with an artificial one - though if it could, I doubt he’d want it at this point.

Also he’s old. He’s probably got them creaky joints.

Putting Them Together

General Feel

They’re in love. They’re so painfully, and deeply, and sweetly in love.

They met on a hunting expedition which Monty arranged (and then it bit him in the ass a little LMAO), and it kinda went from there.

Their relationship is already long-term by BL3, based on trust and communication. They are comfortable with one another, willing to be vulnerable. Opening each other up, seeing both the good and the bad, and accepting all of it.

Their loyalty towards one another is unquestionable. If one ordered the other to kill, the other would most likely not hesitate. Speaking of violence, their fighting styles are directly opposite to one another, but would actually synergize really well together.

Of course, they bicker, like any old married couple does. But it’s all in good fun. If they have genuine disagreements, they talk them out like actual fucking adults, and either try to compromise or concede to the other temporarily. There’s no “power dynamic” bullshit involved here (outside of a sexual context, which is not something I will cover here), just two equals.

They’re very different - and both have their insecurities about this, which are explored in GL&T. But in the end, they love each other just as they are.

While the only things we canonically know they find attractive in one another are their accents and facial hair, I think a major point is the other’s personality, mind, outlook on existence. They both appreciate the world and affirm life, but in different ways: Alistair with his zest and energy, Wainwright with his calmness and slow enjoyment. In my friend’s words, they’re each other’s bitches who they pulled by being autistic. (And they definitely find each other hot and badass, let’s be real here.)

Their relationship has genuinely improved their lives, from what we can see: Wainwright gained the courage to stand up to his father, Alistair started being more expressive with their emotions. Doubtlessly this extends to other areas of their lives: Alistair being provided a place to rest from his adventures, Wainwright being dragged out from his home and experiencing the wonders of the world. They even hyphenated eachother’s surnames.

And, of course, Wainwright definitely uses some of his vast wealth to spoil his husband to bits. It’s what he deserves, really.

They say nobody’s funnier than queers, and they also say nobody’s funnier than disabled people. Well these two are both of those, and they crack jokes a lot! Not like your average Borderlands character, no - their domain is actually somewhat funny (in an old person way) dry one liners and silly quips.

Dynamics and Such

Wainwright as a sort of “dame (or rather, gentleman) of the heart”, a source of strength for Alistair, his meaning, which shelters him from fear. (“Give me strength, Winny. All I do, I do for you.”)

Alistair searching for something all his life, Wainwright waiting for something all his life. Obviously, this something is love.

Mutual admiration, almost worshipful reverence towards one another.

Silly little old men sitting on their silly little porch. Together. Gayly perhaps.

Culture shock. They come from two very different environments, and have very different tastes.

Generally just. Opposites attract. That is the core of their dynamic and one should keep that in mind.

Associations, Symbols, Motifs, Etc.

This section is subjective.

Juxtapositions of any kind, stark contrasts

Eclipses, stars

Things that should be complete opposites but actually strengthen one another: salted caramel, alloys of various metals, etc.

“Light” drugs: coffee, tea, tobacco, alcohol. As well as different ways of enjoying them

Books

Suits and other finery

Disability

GUNS (again)

Nature, the world, seasons, flora AND fauna

Swordfighting, dueling, consensual & safe sparring

Domesticity in general: literally sleeping together, cooking, tidying the house

Burials, graveyards, memory

Hygiene, care; hair washing and cutting, shaving, bathing; wound mending

Old timey homosexual symbols: green carnations and lavender, outdated terms (even reclaimed slurs), aspects of kink, etc.

What NOT to do

DO NOT apply heteronormative dynamics to them.

No, Alistair is not feminine just because he’s nice or bottoms or whatever the fuck else. He’s not feminine at all, actually.

Speaking of which, I promised not to be too sexual here, but I NEED TO TALK ABOUT THIS - the top/bottom dichotomy seen in fandom is unrealistic. In general, but especially in this case. Not only does one’s sexual position indicate nothing about personality - position switching is actually an important part of a long term established relationship. So, avoid that shit like wildfire.

They’re both masculine, in the sense a fine gentleman is. Just because that masculinity is “dated” to our modern eyes doesn’t make it any less masculine. Fuck off.

DO NOT tag them if they’re a 5 second cameo. Or if they don’t even appear in the work yet.

Look, I get it. And if you’re reading this guide, you’re probably not the kind of person that would do that. But also, I am not in the Sir Hammerlock (Borderlands) tag to see your perpetually unfinished rewrite fic. Or to see your random ass ship fic that has jack shit to do with them.

“But what else do I use?!” MINOR OR BACKGROUND CHARACTER(S).

It’s fine if you have their wedding or the estate as the setting somehow. But if that’s the case, I hope they’re a BIT more than a 5 second cameo. They’re the hosts for fucks sake.

Sorry if I sound mad about this. It’s because I am.

Additional Resources

Onelook Thesaurus: my online thesaurus of choice. It also searches for synonyms, phrases, and words you can explain but don’t actually remember.

old men yaoi.zip: A .zip file of EVERY BL3 line of these two’s I could find that is not tied to a main quest, sidequest, or ECHO log in convenient .wav form. Ripped straight from the game. VERY useful, as “idle lines” often contain great trivia, but fishing for them in-game is a pain in the ass.

locres14.txt: The BL3 subtitle file, also directly ripped from the game. Incredibly large and not particularly helpful in of itself, but if you open it in Notepad++ for instance and use the search function you can find some good stuff. Particularly useful for writing dialogue, obviously.

Conclusion

Thank you for reading this! I hope this will help at least one person write these two a little bit better. They’re my favorite characters in the entire series, and it saddens me to see they get barely any fancontent outside of what I make. (My fics constitute 31% of their AO3 tag, for fucks sake!)

[wainwrightjakobshammerlock]

Alright just finished Orientalism and yeah I fully 100% agree with that video essay, it absolutely can be applied to Borderlands's bandits. The one distinction is that the Oriental is never allowed to represent themselves - and technically this does happen in BL2 since Krieg is a playable character. But. It's a videogame, everyone is a representation, so it still applies

[wainwrightjakobshammerlock]

You know I was about to write a post about how the Borderlands universe could easily be a post-scarcity utopian scifi if it wasn't so horrendously capitalist but then I remembered that applies to our world too