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wigwurq · 4 years

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WIG REVIEW: WONDER WOMAN 1984

You guys! Now that the holidaze are over, I finally got around to watching the #1 most hated movie of the holiday season: Wonder Woman 1984! People have so many opinions about this movie AND NOW I DO TOO! I even have some thoughts on the wigs! Let’s discuss.

We begin in Themyscira, land of Amazons, fishtail braidology, Robin Wright, NO EFFING MEN, and also this weird Amazon gladiator gauntlet that is mainly brought to you by lots of computers. Baby Gal Gadot (nee Wonder Woman) is allowed to compete in this CGI decathalon despite being 1/3 the size and age of the other competitors and almost wins the damn thing but Auntie Robin Wright disqualifies her for trying to cheat to win. About 4 hours later, toward the end of this movie, Wonder Woman also tries to “cheat” at something so this is kinda sorta foreshadowing if you believe that the writers of this screenplay even had that forethought!

Moving ahead to 1984, this movie just gets SO 1984. Or really “1984″ in the Stranger Things sense, in that they even used the damn mall that that show takes place in and some dumb criminals steal some jewelry and Wonder Woman saves the day and also comically saves some kids who could have been hurt. I am still bitterly injured by Gal Gadot’s wig, which is not so bent and tangled as the first Wonder Woman movie. Still, the general texture and quality leave something to be desired AS DOES THIS WHOLE MOVIE BUT I AM GETTING AHEAD OF MYSELF!! Anyway, other than foiling crimes at malls, Gal Gadot mainly lives a sad single life in DC where she pines away for Chris Pine in her fabulous apartment, surrounded by an astonishing amount of photographs of her late boyfriend, given the fact that the pictures she has of him are from the 1910s when not everyone had a damn photo printer. Absent of course, is the photograph of her and her ragtag WWI buddies which is delivered to her at the end of the first Wonder Woman movie in the present day and therefore hasn’t happened yet and here begins and ends all logic in this movie.

Anyway! Gal Gadot works with Kristen Wiig, who does her fabulously awkward Kirsten Wiig thing as a nerdy scientist who is largely overlooked by all of society and who wears upsetting culottes and oversized sweatshirts and drinks Bartles and Jaymes (THIS MOVIE MISSES NO OPPORTUNITIES TO #80s). Her wig, as all wigs worn by Kristen Wiig in movies, is a horrible mess of bad texture and general bentness. Also, together she and Gal Gadot are sifting through the jewelry stolen by those thieves at the mall and there is one particular giant crystal or whatever that seems to possess magical properties. Yes, like the Infinity Stones that came (and then kept coming!) AND YES I REALIZE THAT THAT IS MCU AND THIS IS DC BUT IT DOESN’T MATTER: EVERY GODDAMNED SUPERHERO MOVIE IS SOMEHOW ABOUT HAUNTED JEWELRY.

Enter Pedro Pascal in the most outrageous 80s wig in honestly the most outrageous 80s role. He essentially plays Donald Trump - a start-up conning people out of money who is also a terrible dad and has terrible hair. I really wondered for much of this movie if this wig was supposed to be a wig, because it looks as fake and wig-like as Trump’s hair, but no - I think this is supposed to be real hair! Truly truly truly outrageous. Anyway, dude basically doesn’t want to work hard to get rich (again, much like Trump!) and instead wants to just wish his way into success via this dream crystal that Gal Gadot and Kristen Wiig have.

OH AND THEY ALREADY WISHED ON THE CRYSTAL! Kristen Wiig wishes to be like Gal Gadot (not realizing that she’s actually wishing to be Wonder Woman) and gets the most outrageous makeover into this bleached blonde nightmare. AND EVERYONE IS JUST LIKE WOW YOU’RE NOT WEARING CULOTTES ANYMORE I GUESS THIS IS NORMAL FOR YOU TO SUDDENLY LOOK THIS WAY AND FOR YOUR HAIR TO INEXPLICABLY BE INCHES LONGER IN THE COURSE OF AN AFTERNOON. Also! Although this bleached blonde wig is maybe an upgrade from her mousy wig from before, that really means nothing as both wigs are garbage.

Gal Gadot’s wish, of course, was for her ain’ true love, Chris Pine, to come back. AND THEN HE DOES! SORTA! Despite being definitely exploded in a plane in 1918 (in the first movie - spoiler?), he just kinda walks into this fancy party like “hey what’s up?” OH EXCEPT FOR ONE SMALL THING.

HE LOOKS LIKE THIS DUDE TO EVERYONE ELSE EXCEPT GAL GADOT. Ok? I guess because Chris Pine’s actual physical body was destroyed in 1918, he has to inhabit the body of this random man credited only as ‘Handsome Man’ in 1984 which really begs the question - what then happens to this handsome dude while Chris Pine shapeshifts into him and does anyone care? ALSO! Plot-wise, this is just the tip of the iceberg in crystal wishes - basically everyone on earth gets a wish before film’s end and all are fulfilled no matter how ludicrous - and yet no other wish seem to have these sort of strings attached EXCEPT FOR WONDER WOMAN! WHY DOES ONLY WONDER WOMAN GET THE PET SEMATARY OF WISHES?!?!?!

Anyway! Lucky for us all, ‘Handsome Man’ has the most 80s closet ever! As we all know, movies set in the 80s are contractually obligated to provide us with a very 80s fashion montage and this one is ALL ABOUT CHRIS PINE. Somehow, ‘Handsome Man’ owns like 10 different fanny packs?!?! Every single 80s menswear disaster is covered here at least three times you guys.

About 3 hours later, he settles on this outfit! Mazel! I’d like to pause this review to now give my definitive breakdown of CHRIS rankings (limited only to the 4 young-ish, blonde-ish Chris actors who appear in superhero movies) so that I might now abbreviate Chris Pine to #2 Chris WHICH HE IS. Ahem:

- BEST CHRIS is obviously CHRIS EVANS. This is because he gets into Twitter wars with racists, he offered his arm of support to Regina King when she stumbled getting her Oscar, and he wears the shit out of a sweater. There are many other reasons also but no other Chris can compare - HE IS BEST CHRIS.

- WORST CHRIS is obviously CHRIS PRATT. This is because he is super Jesusy evangelical and also anti-LGBTQ and married a Schwarzenegger (tho Arnold wishes he was Evans too!). There are many other reasons why but those are the most important reasons. WORST CHRIS.

- #2 CHRIS is a constant battle between CHRIS HEMSWORTH AND CHRIS PINE. Hemsworth is very funny in the lady Ghostbusters, was once on Dancing With The Stars in Australia, and can really commit to a fatsuit. Pine is great at singing on a Wet Hot American Summer roof OR a river, loves caftans, and is loved by the one and only Wonder Woman. It’s an infinity tie between these two and therefore #2 Chris is in the eye of the beholder during whatever you are beholding, and currently we’re beholding Pine. #2 CHRIS!

Yes, this lengthy roundup was definitely worth it so that I can abbreviate Chris Pine to #2 Chris now. Moving on!

So Gal Gadot and #2 Chris walk through a very 80s DC while #2 Chris’s mind gets blown by all the stuff that is different in the 70s years he’s been dead. No 80s movie would be complete without of course covering PUNKS!!! This is where this movie definitely lost my husband because one of these punks is wearing a Cro-Mags shirt from an album THAT CAME OUT IN 1986. This offends me, also, not because I care about that band but because this is lazy costuming! Apparently, my husband was not the only one to notice this and become deeply offended - and Cro-Mags cofounder even chimed in to say that this is all ok because they released a demo for the ‘86 album in 1984 (AND WE ALL KNOW EVERYONE DEFINITELY MAKES SHIRTS BASED ON DEMO ALBUMS?) I still find this lazy and stupid costuming and remain annoyed! ANYWAY!

Back to the “plot”...Kristen Wiig and Pedro Pascal’s confederacy of bad wigs kinda sorta hook up at this dumb party so that Pedro Pascal can steal that very important wishing crystal! AND THEN HE WISHES ON THE CRYSTAL THAT HE CAN BE THE CRYSTAL. Haunted jewelry plots have never been so dumb as this you guys! AND ALL OF THE INFINITY STONES MOVIES WERE INFINITELY STUPID SO THIS IS REALLY SAYING SOMETHING.

So basically, after 70 years apart, Gal Gadot and #2 Chris have no more time to waste on fanny pack fashion shows or questionable metro punks and have to follow Pedro Pascal to Egypt, where he has gone to demand some oil from Egypt now that he is the physical manifestation of a wishing crystal. In order to get to Egypt themselves, Gal and #2 Chris steal a plane from the Smithsonian (which apparently just has some jets laying around some random tarmac) and then Gal WISHES THE JET INTO BEING INVISIBLE! This is obviously to fuel Wonder Woman invisible jet nostalgia and also to waste about 45 minutes on shots of them invisibly flying through fireworks. BECAUSE IT’S THE 4TH OF JULY WAIT HOW DID THEY VISIT ANY MUSEUMS OR DO ANYTHING ON A NATIONAL HOLIDAY EARLIER THAT DAY OH RIGHT THERE IS NO LOGIC IN THIS MOVIE. Over in Egypt, the wishing crystal Pedro Pascal hisself somehow creates a water shortage and refugee crisis in Egypt and Gal has to Wonder Woman some kids to safety, but mainly she wears this amazing jumpsuit and is able to find a working payphone to call Kristen Wiig and ask if she has any intel on that damn wishing crystal.

Kristen Wiig is somehow EVEN MORE BLONDE AND WEARING THIS DAMN COAT. I mean...you guys. WHAT. Like any good 80s thriller, Kristen Wiig researched the wishing crystal on microfiche which leads her to a random record store where she meets up with Gal and #2 Chris who I guess flew the invisijet back to DC from Egypt in a few minutes or something. Anyway, rando dude at the record store takes out some musty old book that has all the wishing crystal information everyone needed and basically warns that it can destroy society AND ALSO it can take things away from the wisher like a damn monkey’s paw. SPEAKING OF MONKEYS THAT COAT THE END.

But Kristen Wiig’s makeover is far from over! She finally appears as Cheetah herself at the damn White House, where the wishing crystal Pedro Pascal is asking a fake Ronald Reagan (?) if he can please satellite everyone on the earth so he can grow stronger as a crystal person OR SOMETHING? Anyway, Kristen’s lewk is very “punk” but not in a Cro-Mag way, but more in a Meryl Streep in Ricki and the Flash way? It’s a battle of not great wigs, at any rate. Kristen doesn’t want anyone harming her wishing crystal Pedro since that’s what made her Cheetah so there is this huge dumb fight where Pedro and Kristen just kinda glide away (not unlike actual Trump and his idiots last week and omg did this movie foretell that) and then Gal realizes that she has to denounce her wish because the monkey paw’s clause of it all is making her not powerful enough to fight anymore. So #2 Chris is like: I should just be dead anyway and my whole existence is very Pet Sematary and everyone kind of cries in an alley and #2 Chris dies again (?) Also! I think this is supposed to have been foretold by that earlier scene with baby Gal Gadot trying to cheat at that decathalon or whatever because you can’t cheat....death??? Regardless, Gal jumps into the sky and somehow is ABLE TO FLY BASED ON AERODYNAMIC FACTS #2 CHRIS GAVE HER WHILE FLYING AN INVISIJET? SURE!

Over in another plane, Pedro and Kristen are on their way to some satellite island to broadcast to the world about crystal wishes and dude is not looking so great because wishing that you are a crystal is a terrible idea. This is the point at which I realized that this wig was supposed to be real hair because it looks so sweaty and shitty but has consistently looked like a shitty wig through this entire “plot.” Anyway! He asks Kristen Wiig if she wants another wish which....huh? Somehow Gal Gadot’s wish ended up a Pet Sematary nightmare of possessed handsome man bodies that she had to renounce but Kristen Wiig gets two wishes? SURE! AND KRISTEN WIIG WISHES THAT SHE BECOME THE “ULTIMATE PREDATOR” WHAT ON EARTH IS THIS MOVIE Y’ALL.

APPARENTLY THIS IS WHAT AN ULTIMATE PREDATOR LOOKS LIKE?!?!?! YOU GUYS. In order to literally become a Cheetah, they gave Kristen Wiig a CGI body and....kabuki makeup? This lewk absolutely looks like a mashup between two dueling community theater productions of Cats and Pacific Overtures and I can’t stop laughing.

Meanwhile, Gal finally gets to rock this lewk which was earlier described as the battle armor of the goddess, Asteria, who was the one chick NOT invited to Themyscira for Amazonian fishtail braidology times, and had to stay behind to FIGHT EVERY MAN ON EARTH but did get this sweet armor out of it?!?! Regardless, despite withstanding all men ever, Cheetah somehow effs up this armor in a matter of seconds, but Gal is still able to defeat her through underwater electrocution (which somehow avoids Gal herself even though SHE’S WEARING AN ENTIRE SUIT OF METAL).

Anyway, in the end, the entire world is on the brink of collapse and eveyone is looking at old dumb 80s tv screens because of all the dumb wishes everyone made and I guess I appreciate the fact that this entire movie is about dumb 80s wish fulfillment but also there are so many plotholes that I can’t even, you guys. Gal somehow lassoes Pedro Pascal into remembering his shitty dad and realizes that he is now a shitty dad and everyone somehow renounces their wishes and Pedor Pascal just kind of WALKS OFF AN ISLAND INTO THE DEBRIS OF DC AND FINDS HIS CHILD BY THE SIDE OF THE ROAD?!?!?!?! It’s really annoying that this movie somehow rewards this shitty dad but also doesn’t let a woman (specifically WONDER WOMAN) have both a love life and her own damn job and I’m not alone in being annoyed by that. ANYWAY, days or weeks after the entire world almost ended, there is somehow a cute Christmas carnival that was definitely a stolen set from Dolly Parton’s Christmas in the Square where Gal Gadot is reunited with ‘Handsome Man’ who has no knowledge of previously being possessed by #2 Chris and is still rocking ALL THIS 80s FASHION and then a star shaped balloon is released into the sky and I wonder if this entire movie has been a Macy’s ad.

BUT WAIT THERE’S MORE! In a mid-credits scene which is also maybe the only watchable part of this movie, the goddess Asteria (and OG owner of that gold body armor) is revealed to be alive and well and played by OG Wonder Woman, LYNDA EFFING CARTER!! She is definitely an actual goddess who never ages and whose hair is way better than any wigs on display at any point in this movie and is also the only part of the movie you should watch. THE END.

VERDICT: DOESN’T WURQ

#wonderwoman84 #ww84 #wigwurq #galgadot #chrispine #2chris #chrisrankings #kirstenwiig #cheetah #punks #THE80S #contractualfashionmontages #pedropascal #hauntedjewelry #lyndacarter

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consultingwives · 5 years

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quick point of order for my fellow Jews, if you’re writing a post or thinkpiece about christian hegemony and general shittiness please do not write things like “it’s an essential/crucial part of the Jewish experience to do nothing on december 25”. News flash, jews from interfaith families exist and we represent a large number of Jewish people in the US especially. some of us were FORCED to attend mass or Christian celebrations, participate in jesusy activities, or say prayers for stuff we didn’t believe in. For some jews it’s a positive family activity. Doing nothing on December 25 is YOUR Jewish experience, not everyone’s ❤️

#jewblr #jewish tag #jewish stuff

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halloweeneveryday · 4 years

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Keep the Lights on

About 4 years ago, a lady who I'll call Lucy, called our non-emergency line and said she locked herself out of her house. I responded to take the report in case FD needed to force entry.

I arrived first and immediately noticed a burning candle and some "jesusy" statues in the upstairs window. The light in this room was also on. I can't explain it, but it seemed a bit odd to me.

Anyways, I approached Lucy who appeared to be about 65 years old, and asked what happened. She said she walked to her car to get groceries for her and her mother but forgot her keys inside and the door had locked behind her. I asked if her mother was home and Lucy replied in the affirmative. Lucy went on to say she technically lived alone because her mom died 6 years prior but she still "lives" with her in the bedroom with the lit candle and makes her presence known by turning on/off lights, opening/closing doors, and turning on the bathroom faucet.

I then walked the perimeter of the home and found an unlocked window into the kitchen. Since Lucy never actually left home and knew no one else was inside, I radioed dispatch and climbed in through the window with her consent.

As my boot touched the kitchen floor, I heard an audible click. At the same time, the lights in the stairway and upstairs hallway to my left turned off. I quickly walked to the rear sliding door to my right and advised Lucy what had happened. Lucy laughed and said that was just her mom saying hello. I told Lucy that although I genuinely believe what she told me was true, I still had to do my due diligence and ensure no one else was inside. I radioed for a back and within minutes my buddy arrived. The first thing he asked about was the lit candle in the window.

While clearing the upstairs, we came upon the room where the candle was and immediately noticed it was blown out. There were no open windows, fans, vents, or other obvious source that could've extinguished the flame. We just looked at each other with a bit of unease and went back downstairs to leave. click the upstairs lights turned off behind us. We talked to Lucy for another 5 minutes and suggested getting a battery operated candle just to be safe....

Well Lucy clearly thought "fuck the police" because to this day, that candle burns in the open window most nights when I drive by. And every now and then I'll top and talk to Lucy to see how she and her mother are doing.

source: https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/dravqs/law_enforcement_of_reddit_what_was_the_most/f6idi05/

#My life is creepy #Halloween #halloween everyday #ghosts #ghost #paranormal #spooky #haunting #haunted #haunted house

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thebibliomancer · 5 years

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50 More Days of Comics! 31/50: Silver Surfer #55 (1991)

Good grief, that's a gruesome cover!

Being Thanos’d is never pleasant and nobody had a good time here but it looks like Dr Strange was hung by his own cape. And it looks more gruesome in the actual comic where we get a close-up of all of the dead and can actually see Dr Strange’s eyes bugging out and tongue sticking out.

MCU Dr Strange got off light in comparison.

Anyway, this is an Infinity Gauntlet crossover.

I always thought that as far as the Infinity Blank events went, Infinity Gauntlet was particularly self-contained compared to War and Crusade. You did have to read the Infinity Quest series to learn how Thanos got the stones in the first place but it wasn’t necessary to the story. And there are times when characters disappear and reappear later but you don’t really need to know what happened to them because its not like Spider-Verse the comic where if a character disappears out of the main book, they’re probably doing something really important that has a bearing on the plot so you have to buy all the tie-ins.

And especially with Silver Surfer. His role in the Infinity Gauntlet story was to hang back a billion miles with Adam Warlock while Warlock sent all of the other heroes to die horribly to distract Thanos so that Silver Surfer could surf in at max speed and snatch the gauntlet off Thanos at the exact moment he dramatically raises his hand.

I don’t know how you can expand on that. Like an owl, I guess I’ll find out.

The comic starts a billion miles away as Silver Surfer and Adam Warlock hang back as everyone else fights and dies.

The Surfer is impatient to do what he must do so Adam Warlock, who is Space Jesusier than the Surfer, boops him in the forehead and tells him to calm his shit and meditate on what must be done.

Surfer hangs his head to, I guess, meditate and there are a couple beat panels to indicate the passage of time? Then Adam Warlock tells him its time and they NYOOM towards the battlefield.

BUT to their SHOCK HORROR there’s a two page spread of everybody dead.

And then a page of close-ups to really hammer the point in.

Adam Warlock, thinking: “I’d thought we could hold out by assaulting Thanos on all fronts. My plan was to attack with sheer force, but win victory with deception. The surfer was to snatch the Infinity Gauntlet from the Titan’s grasp. Without it, Thanos could not hope to withstand our onslaught. But our forces were nothing against his might. Even beings who are near gods themselves have fallen. I’ve led everyone to a slaughter. I have accomplished nothing, except assure the universe’s destruction. My error has doomed all of creation.”

Well. This is roughly 100% more remorse than Adam Warlock felt in the main book where he happily or at least with zero hesitation threw most of the surviving Marvel heroes into the meat grinder of Thanos just as a distraction and didn’t even tell them the plan.

This issue was written by Ron Marz, not Infinity Gauntlet and number one advocate of Thanos and Adam Warlock, Jim Starlin.

I wonder how much collaboration there was between tie-ins and the main book. Its fairly hard to actually get things to line up between different creative teams even when they’re trying to be on the same page.

Maybe that’s why things take the divergence they do.

Instead of zooming in and trying to five finger discount the Gauntlet, as in the main book. The Surfer and Adam Warlock just kind of casually cruise in while gawking at all the deads.

So there’s no element of surprise. Just running headlong into omnipotence and trying to spit in its eye.

So Thanos just shrinks Adam Warlock and Silver Surfer.

Thanos: “You’ll like what I have in store for you, Adam. In fact, I have you to thank for it.”

Adam Warlock: “You’re ranting, madman.”

Thanos: “Am I? You’ll remember. I know I do. Feeling my flesh grow stony and cold at your hands. I remember.”

Adam Warlock: “This shouldn’t be the way it ends. ... Not... like... thisssssss...”

Thanos: “I’m afraid so, Adam. Not much of a hero’s death, is it? But you know heroes... -crushes stone Adam- ... they turn out to be so fragile.”

Ice cold, dude.

Thanos has different plans for Silver Surfer though. He first turns Norrin’s board Tomie into a manacle to keep him from any foolish suicidal gestures of bravado.

Thanos: “I am master of all creation. I once worshiped Mistress Death. Now it is she who worships me.”

And a bikini clad Death comes over to hug his thigh.

Hm. This is a fairly large divergence from the main book.

Anyway, weird Thanos wish fulfillment aside, he has decided that “every supreme being needs a book” and that Surfer will be his biographer. “You will be the scribe to write mine. Every thought, every deed...”

Mephisto chimes in about now. In the main book he was like Thanos’ weird wingman, giving him bad advice to undercut him and secretly scheming to overthrow him. But like in a really stupid way that didn’t work.

Here he just tries to argue that it is too dangerous to let the Surfer live since there’s a slight chance that he could prove disruptive. But also, Mephisto just fucking hates the Silver Surfer and would sure feel like an appreciated minion if Thanos just killed the guy.

Thanos decides that this is one helpful suggestion too many and strangles Mephisto for his temerity and insolance.

Mephisto, dying: “it was... only... a suggestion.”

Anyway, Thanos decides that Mephisto wasn’t entirely wrong, just an asshole. And strips Norrin of his Power Cosmic. But not his silvering. Which is supposed to be part of his Power Cosmic. But whatever. He’d look less cool as a bald man in a onesie.

Silver Surfer: “Restore my powers, Thanos! I want no part of your new age. Meet me as a warrior.”

Thanos: “No.”

Thanos then claps and proclaims LET THERE BE LIGHT and creates a new planet called Necronos at the center of the universe. But seats of power just aren’t complete without a population so he snaps one billion people into existence.

Also Death is fawning over his leg again in this segment.

Surfer asks why Thanos would create life when he so loves Death.

Thanos: “True, in my untamed youth I pledged my love to Mistress Death. Like any suitor, I strove to win her favor by showering her with gifts. I sought to give her the stars themselves. I was so impetuous. I did not comprehend the true nature of Death.

Had I succeeded in snuffing out the stars, and thus ended all life, what would remain for my mistress. What more could I offer her?

I now understand there must be life in order to assure Death’s continued existence.”

And then Thanos takes Surfer to a holy temple where Mistress Death is honored. Where lines of people are brought in to provide unending sacrifice to Death. Every being on Necronos is born to die.

Surfer protests that this is all sick. And asks if every inhabitant of the world eventually finds themselves here.

Thanos: “Here. No. Not necessarily. There are a THOUSAND such houses on this world alone!”

And Norrin can only sink to the ground muttering “no” to himself over and over.

An interesting turn of events which don’t seem to fit in with how things went in the Infinity Gauntlet story. I have my suspicions that Adam Warlock gave Silver Surfer this vision via forehead boop as some twisted motivational thing.

If you like Thanos saying kind of cool things and rubbing people’s faces in how cool he is, hey you might like this. There’s a lot of that. I didn’t even transcribe all the kind of cool jerky smug things because there were so much.

#50 more days of comics!#Silver Surfer #today he's not Norrin Radd he's Norrin Sadd

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jeanjew · 6 years

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Welcome to the Black Parade is about HaShem and Being Jewish I have clamed it

HEAR ME OUT (long post under cut)

(and yes, this is a personal interpretation, so don’t @ me)

Okay, so the beginning to this song never made sense to me.

The song goes:

When I was a young boy My father took me into the city To see a marching band

and that’s nice and all but it’s about his dad and the marching band for maybe 5 seconds BUT What if it’s a metaphor?

Okay, let’s look at what happens when the narrator sees the marching band.

He said, son, when you grow up Would you be the savior of the broken The beaten, and the damned?

Okay, sounds kinda spiritual, Jacob, (you may be thinking), but I don’t get how that’s HaShem, sounds more Jesusy to me. I know, but this part, I see, as our duty as Jews to help others, aka the broken the beaten and the damned.

He said, will you defeat them Your demons and all the non-believers?The plans that they have made?

Because one day I'll leave you A phantom to lead you in the summer To join the black parade

Okay, yes this could also be seen as Jesusy, but I see it as HaShem leaving their sprit unto us, the people, and the “black parade” being like our coming out of Egypt. In this way the song is about HaShem promising us things. Promising us this phantom or this black parade.

The next, and main, part of the song, is about disbelief, and turning that into strength, and what makes me love this song as this metaphor, but also in general.

Sometimes I get the feeling She's watching over me And other times I feel like I should go

I see this “she” as Hashem and that the narrator is complimenting the fluidity of our g-d. Sometimes the narrator feels the holy presence, and other times feels unwelcome and unneeded.

And through it all The rise and fall The bodies in the streets And when you're gone, we want you all to know

The bodies in the street represent the current unrest in many places around the world. The war, poverty, famine, that affects so many of us, and yet there is a message we, as a people need to remember.

We'll carry on, we'll carry on And though you're dead and gone, believe me Your memory will carry on We'll carry on And in my heart I can't contain it The anthem won't explain it

We will keep going. We have been fighting since we were made, and we are still here. We are described as stubborn, but that is because we refuse to give in! We pay respect to those who are gone, but also to HaShem they are the one whose memory will carry on. For all the times we have forgotten our fg-d, we will carry on. We are singing our love to the world, as is the narrator.

I’m going to skip to my favorite part:

Do or die You'll never make me Because the world Will never take my heart You can try You'll never break meWe wanna all We want to play this part

Here again, we see stubbornness. I am reminded of how many holidays are “we didn’t die” by these lines. How many times in our history there is “they tried to convert us, but we wouldn’t”. How many time in my own history that has happened.

Won't explain Or say I'm sorry I'm unashamed I'm gonna show my scar Give a cheer For all the brokenListen here Because it's who we are

I'm just a man I'm not a hero Just a boy who had to sing this song I'm just a man I'm not a hero I don't care

Here we see humality, but also spunk and fire, a very Jewish thing if i do say so myself.

And that’s why Welcome to the Black Parade now belongs to Jewish people. Thank and goodnight

#welcome to the black parade #mcr #judiasm #jewish #jumblr #welcome to the jewish parade

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czarlovejr · 5 years

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Say Jesus is Lord & find salvation from all your sins. We must be ready to confess with our mouths that Jesusi is Lord for it is written all those who say Jesus is Lord or all those who say Jesus is the Son of God will find redemption. Not only that all those who say such things will have God living in them and they in God. God will be with you and protect you with all His heavenly angels !! 😇☺😋 https://www.instagram.com/p/B4gS_u_HdQb/?igshid=ihbzio57ktjj

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thewalk615 · 5 years

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INDESCRIBABLE Interity Never Failing Duty Eternity Selfless service Caring Respectful Ideal Beneficent Able Brave Loving Everlasting There is a never-failing loving indescribable caring, respectful, Brave, able, beneficent, ideal, Everlasting, eternity, of which selfless service becomes one's duty. The world we live in has a way of limiting the things an individual may be able to attain. With God there is no limit to the things you can do and will attain through Jesus the indescribable. There will be no way to describe it, all you need to say is the God I follow is Indescribable and you're looking at proof in the pudding. #everybodymatters #DAISDAID #JLYASDW #veteran #army #leadership #God #evangelism #love #christian #faith #loyalty #duty #respect #selflessservice #honor #integrity #personalcourage #TPD #godis #jesusis #godsplan #thejourney #godwillmakeaway #Hispromise #love https://www.instagram.com/p/B1hZwvcpbC2/?igshid=1c5r1f9fjojwu

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kaijutegu · 7 years

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freeformtarsier replied to your post: If you don't mind my asking, what flavor of...

That’s absolutely fascinating! Thank you for answering. I had no idea there were such youth camps

I actually went to several Christian Youth Camps growing up. One was a small camp- I don’t remember the name of the camp, but I was excited to go because there were archery lessons. The archery instructors were siblings named Jason and Medea. She went by Deedee, but I really wanted to meet their parents. That particular camp wasn’t too Jesusy- we had prayer circle in the morning, but it was really just a normal summer camp.

I went to Young Life camp one summer as a concession to my mom- she was really upset that I didn’t want to go to YL camp with the rest of her friends’ kids, so I sucked it up and went. It was a tradeoff- if I did WL camp for a week, she agreed to letting me do the three-week law camp session instead of the two-week session like normal. (I went to law camp every summer as a kid and I LOVED it. I also went to a few science camps when I was a pre-teen at the boarding school I eventually went to!)

But then the third camp was actually what led me to say “you know what, fuck Catholicism.” It was a work camp- in a nutshell, voluntourism. We were bused into an impoverished neighborhood in Jackson, Mississippi. By day, we worked- some people did day care, some people painted houses, some of us were on a demolition crew- and by night, we listened to sermons that were basically “thank God for how lucky you are that you’re not them.” The campers were overwhelmingly white; the neighborhood was almost entirely black. The weird racial undertones were really pervasive- looking back on it, I think it was my first exposure to seeing just how bad white people are at understanding the practical effects of racism in public policy. Painting somebody’s porch isn’t going to put food on the table or make the neighborhood safer or help destroy the systematic barriers created by both civic racism and long-term poverty. Voluntourism does. not. help. And getting told nightly by a priest that God’s looking out for you makes you question why He’s not looking out for them. We were also encouraged to talk to the priests about difficult spiritual questions. I had one. Hannah, my senior at the academy (basically an older student who looks out for you and helps mentor you) is a pagan. She believes in many gods and worships them in a way that makes the most spiritual sense to her. She’s also one of the most loving individuals I’ve ever met, and was the first person to ever talk to me about mental illness and depression and how it was ok to be different. She loved me very much for who I was- I never had to pretend to be anybody else around her. When I spoke about her and how she was the best person I knew, but she wasn’t a Catholic, the priest told me that the Church demanded I find new friends, that I couldn’t be a good Catholic and still befriend this person. I’d been questioning my faith for years (I’d always had a hard time believing in God the way the Church wanted), and I was having a really hard time with the embedded misogyny within the culture of both my hometown and the Catholic church at large. Even if the catechism said one thing, the culture said and did another.

By that point, it was an extremely easy decision.

...I realize now that this is probably way more autobiography than you ever wanted, but Hannah just got handfasted and I’ve been thinking a lot about her and my brother’s in Ireland and my mom won’t stop asking him if he’s going to church and I’ve been thinking a lot about him, so you get a half-baked ramble about my relationship with the church. It’s the gasha prize nobody wanted, but it’s the gasha prize you got.

#freeformtarsier #religion #racism cw

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thecaitortot · 7 years

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7/14/17

I’ll be sleeping on the floor for the next several days while we sell a ton of our old furniture.

Housework projects are moving along quite steadily. I’m so proud of my parents.

I want a job. Mostly, I want people to stop asking me when I’ll get a job.

I can tell I miss research when I come across two or three different things in one sitting that Snopes has yet to write about.

Is Snopes hiring?

Is the college down the street hiring?

Do I even have enough energy to get a job in the first place?

I need to go polish my writing samples for my applications in a couple of months. Gotta take all of the beautiful Jesusy bits out so secular universities will hire me.

Personally I don’t like doing interdisciplinary theology/psychology writing anyway so it’ll be quite a relief to dismantle my soapboxes and put my theological bits back where they belong: in a lovely little journal next to my Bible.

I’m thinking about starting on an essay about skepticism and why it might actually be a more desirable trait among Christians than everyone says it is.

Seriously, why is “Doubting Thomas” one of the worst insults some denominations can hurl at you? (I mean aside from Jezebel, or any number of gross things from the Book of Revelations)

Whatever man, Christian culture is fucking weird.

#i mean did i not announce what my life plans were to everyone months ago?#and then say stop asking for the love of God almighty???#anyway that's the good bits of my life how are ya'll?

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wigwurq · 4 years

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WIG REVIEW: THE QUEEN’S GAMBIT

Yes it’s true - the only things I’ve been watching lately are prestige TV shows starring women with bad red wigs. I’ll get back to movies someday!! In the meantime, I finally watched all of this miniseries that has Netflix and the world aflame with love - and I am aflame too....WITH HATRED OF ALL OF THESE WIGS!!! I have so much to discuss with this show, y’all. A friend of mine (who hasn’t watched this show yet) probably said it best when he told me he thought the wigs in this show were supposed to be wigs WITHIN the narrative of the show (and therefore allowed to be bad): “wait I thought this was about a chess spy - that’s supposed to be her real hair? NO” INDEED!!! Let’s take it episode by episode (SPOILERS ABOUND) and DISCUSS.

Episode 1 - Openings

We begin in Paris, 1967. Beth Harmon, chess champion (?) awakens in a bath of ice (?) in the dark of her hotel room, clearly hung over or maybe still drunk. Her red ‘60s flip wig looks like HELL as does she, so...ok I guess this bad wig wurqs...for now. She sits herself down to play CHESS!! This whole show is about chess, obviously, and everyone is just mad about chess now! I am mad, too, because the show does not make chess seem interesting or sexy and I still hate it.

Anyway, we rewind about 10 (?) years to a young Beth Harmon, who is suddenly orphaned after her mom definitely commits suicide via car accident. Her mom has super short bangs and cries a lot. We see some even further flashbacks to an even younger Beth IN THE MOST OUTRAGEOUS BABY WIG (MORE ON THAT LATER). We learn that her mom is very unhinged, but also probably brilliant, as Beth herself will become later. LET’S HOPE SHE NEVER GETS HER DRIVER’S LICENCE (note: she never does?)

Apparently the mid to late ‘50s were all about very VERY short bangs, and on this non-wigged little girl I guess that is fine.

BUT THEN! She is brought to an orphanage where they burn her old clothes (YES REALLY!) and cut her hair into a bob (the kid’s actual hair so again - ok!) and also give her and all the other girls constant drugs! The 1950s were really wild, amiright? If I have learned anything from movies set at orphanages in the 50s, drug abuse was the main issue (the only movie I’m referring to is obviously The Cider House Rules and the only thing I remember about that movie is that Michael Caine had an ether addiction). Anyway, the sedative drugs make her immediately put her hand on a hot radiator (safety first, orphanage!)

She also makes friends with an older girl named Jolene (I LOVE THE NAME) who teachers her to save the sedative drugs for nighttime when they can help her sleep. Great advice, Jolene! Also: there is absolutely no way that African American Jolene would be in an integrated orphanage in mid-50s KENTUCKY but this is just the beginning of issues I have with this series......

Moving on! In avoiding the orphanage’s weird insistence on Jesusy choir practice, she discovers the basement realm of janitor Bill Camp, who never actually does any janitorial work (that I could see?) but definitely plays a lot of chess. And thus, her chess obsession begins! This is also helped by those sedatives she takes every night which give her really absurd chess hallucinations on the ceiling. This orphanage has it all!

Essentially, this miniseries is Valley of the Dolls if those characters got addicted to both pills and chess at the age of 9. Beth gets very VERY good at chess and some rando chess guy from the local high school comes and gives Beth a doll (BETH HATES THE DOLL BUT LOVES DOLLS DO YOU SEE WHAT I DID THERE). And she goes to the high school and plays a bunch of terrible high school boys at chess simultaneously and beats them all. Also: the orphanage suddenly gets in trouble for giving sedatives to small children for years and Beth is PISSED. She goes through withdrawal and years for the big ol’ jar o’ pills!!!

AND THEN! During a kind of Jesusy film presentation, Beth sneaks away to the orphanage pharmacy and just goes hog wild on the pills! TRULY: Valley of the Dolls has nothing on this sequence.

Obviously, Beth is caught pill-handed and she also spills all the pills, breaks a giant glass jar, and then falls onto both of them. SHE IS 9. I THINK I LOVE THIS SHOW.

Episode 2: Exchanges

So after Beth’s completely insane pill odyssey, she is punished by being forbidden to play chess! Fast forward an indeterminate number of years, and we meet a slightly older Beth (now played by the bewigged Anya Taylor-Joy). AND THIS WIG, Y’ALL. WOOF. Completely dried out and bent, it really makes you appreciate the fact that they just cut the younger Beth’s hair. I realize that Anya is going to go through many 50s and 60s hairstyles to come but I really wish they had just done the same and used her real hair because we are about to take a bad wig odyssey that will last throughout this series. Also! I love that Jolene is played by the same actress! How old is too old to be in an orphanage?

Speaking of age! Beth is apparently now 15 but when a super weird couple expresses interest in adopting her, the orphanage director lady lies and says Beth is 13 and everyone just goes with it....FOR THE REST OF THE SERIES. Seriously, this age difference is never ever visited again or challenged. Beth is basically 15-17 for at least 5 years and no one gives a shit. OK? Anyway, Beth is adopted by Marielle friggin Heller (aka director of Can You Ever Forgive Me? and A Beautiful Day in the Neighborhood) who has a very Mamie Eisenhower wig which is just fine compared to the bent and dry-ass mess on Anya’s head.

It is later revealed that Marielle adopted Beth because her husband is mainly away on business and she needs an older gal pal around to fetch her....sedatives from the magazine store! I wonder if Beth will totally get addicted to them again! I’m no chess player but you can absolutely predict plot devices in this series about two pawns away (is that a chess term? I still don’t know or care!)

So yes: as predicted Beth absolutely gets addicted to sedatives again (also the specific sedatives she gets addicted to are the exact same ones she was addicted to at the orphanage - WHAT A COINCIDENCE! - and also they are made up sedatives for the purposes of this show only in case we all want to get the same magical chess sedatives and see chess on the ceiling too). ALSO! Beth is still mainly addicted to chess despite the fact that she was permitted from playing it for the last 5-7 years (depending on what version of her age you’re going on?) but still is good at it? Most upsetting: she rips apart her lovely bed canopy in order to see her ceiling chess hallucinations! THE NERVE OF THIS KID!

Also nervy: bitch totally stole chess magazines from the pharmacy when she was also stealing sedatives from her adoptive mom! Kleptomania is Beth’s #3 addiction after chess and pills also comes into play when it is revealed that her new adoptive mom is kinda poor since her husband is away all the time and doesn’t give her enough money so Beth can’t enter those chess tournaments she read about in the magazines she stole. SO she writes to janitor Bill Camp and asks for $5 to enter the chess thing and if she wins she’ll send him $10. THIS IS A VERY IMPORTANT PLOT POINT WHICH WILL COME INTO PLAY LATER. So Beth goes to the chess tournament where she meets some not handsome twin dudes and a very handsome other dude named Townes.

Basically all the chess dudes at this tourney suck in the same way? To be fair: if I saw Beth walking up in her ugly orphanage clothes and orphanage cut wig, I would think she sucked at chess too? Oh also - all the girls at her new high school also think her style sucks. I WONDER IF IN COMING EPISODES SHE WILL GAIN MORE STYLE AND CHESS FAME THAN ALL THESE GARBAGE PEOPLE. Spoiler: she does and also beats this dude named Harry and becomes the Kentucky chess champion. Also! Beth’s adoptive dad totally abandons her and Marielle Heller! I still hate chess but will continue to watch this show because of its haunting wigs and lowgrade feminist vibe.

Episode 3: Doubled Pawns

This episode begins with a flashback to Beth’s shitty birth mother and her shitty banged wig and remember that time I said I was going to talk about the wig on the littlest girl who plays her? WELL HERE WE ARE. Baby Beth has the absolute WORST WIG ON THIS SHOW and given how terrible all the wigs are, that is saying a lot. This wig looks like it was ripped off an American Girl doll which had been mistreated for years and thrown of a jungle gym or something. IT IS THE ABSOLUTE WORST (as is her mom, who makes this poor kid believe she had drowned!!!)

ANYWAY. We get a new wig in this episode!!! Beth manages to grow out her orphanage bangs and allow her hair to have a 50s wave bob. Do not be fooled by the higher quality of this cut, however - the quality of the WIG continues to very much suck! WHAT IS THIS HAIR PART! No hair underneath! And everything is still a dried out, bent mess! ALSO HER ROOTS ARE A NIGHTMARE. This is also the episode wherein Marielle Heller basically becomes Mama Rose to Beth and really gets into Beth supporting both of them via chess winnings and becomes her chess manager (ACTUAL JOB TITLE). Also Beth gets nicer clothing. Hilariously, Marielle tells Beth’s high school that Beth is just constantly sick so she can skip school to go to chess tournaments even though Beth is straight up on the cover of Life magazine?! I wonder if this will at all come to the attention of the high school - IT DOESN’T! PLOT HOLES BE DAMNED THIS SHOW IS ABOUT CHESS! She does go to high school long enough for the snobby girls who once made fun of her to invite her to the dumbest party ever where they just sit around and ask Beth dumb questions about Chess fame and then all have a sing-along to a song Beth doesn’t know because she has no idea what pop culture is: ONLY CHESS CULTURE. I watched this show with my mom and asked if ‘60s parties were like this and she laughed her head off and said NO. ALSO! Beth’s kleptomania comes into play at this party where she steals a bottle of gin and leaves without saying goodbye to anyone. WHAT A BITCH.

Speaking of bitches, Beth meets a new chess diva in the form of Love Actually’s resident child drum prodigy! He has a character name but whatever: Love Actually is his name and he has longish shaggy (non wigged) hair and dresses like Crocodile Dundee and is loved and feared in the chess community for being such a non-nerd (?) chess player. I asked my mom if anyone dressed like this in the ‘60s and she said “NO! But I guess I didn’t know everyone” WHICH IS A GREAT ANSWER BECAUSE MY MOM DIDN’T RUN IN WEIRD CHESS CIRCLES IN THE ‘60s. We are lead to believe the ‘60s chess community of weirdos consists of the same 5 rotating dudes who are all at the same chess tournaments always and also possible love interests for Beth and she’s better at chess than all of them.

The only weirdo chess dude that Beth cares about is Townes, who you may recall from the last episode in which he was the only attractive chess dude at that first chess tournament Beth went to with borrowed Bill Camp money. Anyway, she runs into him at some chess tournament (LIKE I REMEMBER WHICH ONE PLEASE) in Las Vegas where he is now a chess reporter (ACTUAL 1960s JOB, Y’ALL). He invites Beth back to his hotel boudoir where he takes some non-boudoir pictures of her playing chess and Beth is all aflutter with chess love but SUCK IT BETH, TOWNES IS GAY!!! I have to say that the only believable part of this show is that the only attractive chess dude would be homosexual. It still does not forgive any of the other plot nonsense.

SO! It’s still the big Vegas chess tournament which is super duper important-chess wise (though this show also makes it seem like every chess game IS THE MOST IMPORTANT so who is to say?) Anyway, Beth and her 50s wave wig (even though it is the 60s?) play Love Actually and....they both win? I didn’t know this was a chess pastability but ok? Beth is pissed that she didn’t beat Love Actually, I hope I never have to see him again (SPOILER HE’S IN MANY MORE EPISODES AND HAD I KNOWN THAT MAYBE I WOULD HAVE STOPPED WATCHING NOW BUT I DIDN’T!)

Episode 4: Middle Game

We are still stuck with this weird ‘50s bob in this episode. IT STILL LOOKS BAD. New developments are: Beth is taking night classes at the local college (even though she is technically still in high school?) in order to learn Russian to better understand people who are more obsessed with chess than she is: Russians. Anyway, he ends up going to the most wild and stereotypical hippie party with a college dude after class and yep - loses her virginity to him. Ok? At least it wasn’t to a chess weirdo? She also stays behind and parties and drinks alone in the hippie apartment because of all her substance addiction and kleptomania. Also! She graduates from high school despite being 2 years too old for high school (a plot point never explained) and missing all that high school for chess tourneys (another plot point never explained!) OH WELL: CHESS!

Beth and Marielle go to Mexico City for some chess tournament (AGAIN I COULDN’T TELL YOU WHICH ONE). Marielle is excited because she is pen pals (OMG THE 60s Y’ALL) with some Mexican weirdo who I definitely feared would steal all the chess winnings but then ultimately just sucks in the same way the adoptive dad did. Beth also runs into those chess twin weirdos because the chess community is comprised of only 5 dudes as I said. Their hair looks bad but not as bad as her wig.

Beth doesn’t see much of Mexico City - nor do we unless you count a truly outrageous sequence in which Beth and Marielle go out on their hotel balcony and look into a green screen rendering of Mexico City that would have felt at home in CGI ghostmare, Bohemian Rhapsody. Anyway, Beth and her olde timey 1950s wig which is spending way too much time in the 60s even though she’s supposed to be stylish now, take a lot of chess baths while Marielle drinks a lot because that Mexican pen pal/boyfriend sucks so bad.

So Beth wins enough chess to play Borgov, who we are led to believe is the Russian white whale/Bond villain of the chess community and LOSES! She is pretty pissed about it but not as pissed as...

....coming back to the hotel room to discover Marielle Heller and her luscious Mamie Eisenhower wig DEAD. TWICE AN ORPHAN, Y’ALL. Mexican coroners tell Beth that her mom died of hepatitis (!!!) and Beth somehow implicates low quality tequila in this hepatitis death. I LEGITIMATELY GOOGLED ‘DOES TEQUILA GIVE YOU HEPATITIS’ IMMEDIATELY. I DON’T THINK IT DOES?!?!?! THIS SHOW IS ABSOLUTELY RIDICULOUS AND YES I WILL CONTINUE WATCHING IT DESPITE THE TERRIBLE WIGS AND MY HATRED OF CHESS.

Episode 5: Fork

Beth returns to Kentucky IN THE RAIN BECAUSE TV AND MOVIE DEATHS ARE ALWAYS ACCOMPANIED BY RAIN. She is about to be super lonely in the house she know owns (according to a super sketchy international phone call with her adoptive father which will definitely not hold up in court) and then...she gets a call from Harry! WHO THE EFF IS HARRY! Again, luckily, there are only 5 chess guys who need to remember and he is one of them (he is the one she beat for the Kentucky chess whatever in episode 2). She invites him over because she’s lonely!

Harry is definitely the saddest of the weirdo chess dudes because apparently he’s been harboring a secret love of Beth (who at the time of their first meeting was like 13-15 depending on what timeline you’re going on and he was...20? OK GROSS BUT OK). BITCH EVEN GOT HIS WEIRD TEETH FIXED SO HE COULD BE LOVED BY BETH AND HER BENT ASS WIG AND SERIOUSLY NO THANK YOU HARRY. Regardless, Beth lets Harry have sex with her a few times and live rent-free in her house and ultimately Harry gets enough self confidence to leave this effed up living situation since he will never be one of Beth’s obsessions (which are still: chess, pills/alcohol, stealing shit).

So Beth goes to Ohio for some other chess tournament and reunites with UGH Love Actually. At this point in the show, Beth starts wearing long scarves as headbands and her wig has never looked better because most of it is covered by the scarf. THANK GOD. So Love Actually totally chess hustles Beth for a lot of coin playing speed chess (DEAR GOD WHY HAVE I BEEN FORCED TO LEARN WHAT SPEED CHESS IS) but in the end, she still beats him for the chess title. EFF YOU, Love Actually! May I never see you again! OH SHIT HE JUST INVITED HER TO NEW YORK TO TRAIN HER FOR THE PARIS CHESS THING DEAR GOD WHY IS THERE SO MUCH LOVE ACTUALLY IN THIS SHOW OK FINE I’LL STILL WATCH IT.

Episode 6 - Adjournment

Ok so Beth and her ok wig that is mainly covered by a scarf go to Love Actually’s apartment in NYC which IS AN UNDERGROUND BUNKER AND SHE HAS TO SLEEP ON A BLOW UP MATTRESS. Again and for the millionth time: Love Actually is the worst! Especially the worst because he introduces her to all these rando bohemians he knows, including some French bitch who will definitely eff everything up when Beth is already teetering on her pill/alcohol obsession and should probably not meet any other enablers. Somehow, he does get her to quit the pills/alcohol long enough to have sex with him (UGH).

And so we are in Paris, 1967. Where we started the show with Beth’s awful 60s flip! AND WE MEET ANOTHER PLOTHOLE. Only a week before this, Beth was in NYC with hair about 3″ shorter and still wearing scarves in her hair. WHAT IN THE VERY HELL, SHOW! I realize that this show has a very vague sense of time or how old Beth is or whatever but truly: NOPE.

Anyway, it’s the night before the big match against Borgov and Beth is on her very best behavior when who should ring her up but that French bitch Love Actually introduced her to! She is downstairs at the hotel bar and just come down and have one drink and don’t ruin your entire chess career, mmmkay? THIS ENABLING BITCH!!!! NEVER TRUST ANYONE WITH THIS CRYING GAME WIG UNLESS YOU WANT YOUR LIFE TO BE A CRYING GAME. Of course, Beth goes downstairs, drinks every drink in the bar, has sex with some rando French dude and...wakes up in the icebath we see at the beginning of the show and sweatily plays Borgov in her wig that has never looked frizzier, loses, and is shamed from the entire chess community. Also Love Actually wants Beth to come back to NYC but NO THANK YOU TO YOU AND YOUR BUNKER OF ENABLERS.

Back in Kentucky, Beth....is shown learning how to flip her hair. WAIT WHAT SHE ALREADY HAD A FLIP HAIRSTYLE THE ENTIRE TIME IN PARIS WHAT KIND OF WIG GASLIGHTING ARE YOU PLAYING, SHOW?!?!?!??!?!?!!

UGH anyway, with THE EXACT SAME FLIP WIG AS WE’VE SEEN HER IN, Beth tries to be a responsible young person of indeterminate age who owns a house in Kentucky and not drink or take pills or steal shit. EXCEPT remember that time her adoptive dad said she could just have the house if she paid the mortgage? WELL BITCH SHOWS UP AND J’ACCUSES HER OF STEALING THE HOUSE FROM HIM. Which is hilarious because of all the things she stolen in this show, the house wasn’t one of them. In any case, she buys the house! And takes herself out to dinner! And has a drink! AND UH OH.

At this point the show just goes completely off the rails in addictive nonsense. Beth just goes around the house in her terrible flip wig applying makeup and barfing in to chess trophies. It’s every stereotypical drug/alcohol scene from every biopic ever except this chick doesn’t really exist and this show is wearing on my nerves and Beth has to stop making so many terrible live decisions and this wig has BETTER GET BETTER.

And then magically - Jolene shows up in the most fabulous afro wig!! WHAT! OK I WILL WATCH THE BITTER CONCLUSION OF THIS SERIES BECAUSE I LOVE JOLENE.

Episode 7: End Game

Jolene...Jolene....Jolene. Jolene. I love Jolene. I don’t love that this show uses her by making her be the “magical negro” trope who helps Beth get her life back together. Predictable nonsense! So yes, Jolene looks around Beth’s ramshackle drug den and tells her to get her life back together. AND THEN BETH DOES. No AA or rehab required! WHAT! I really appreciate that Jolene also compares her to Susan Hayward (star of Valley of the Dolls!) which is the sick burn/comparison I needed.

The other reason Jolene showed up was to bring Beth to janitor Bill Camp’s funeral. At the funeral, which is very poorly attended, Beth reveals THAT SHE NEVER PAID BILL CAMP THAT $5 HE LENT HER (AND $10 SHE PROMISED HIM) AT THE BEGINNING OF HER CHESS CAREER. WHAT A PIECE OF SHIT. It is at this point that I fully decided that I wanted Beth to fail at everything because she is a garbage person who never gave propers to Bill Camp for changing her life for the better. THIS BITCH!! She even goes back to the orphanage where she discovers Bill Camp’s CHESS SHRINE DEVOTED TO HER! SHE FEELS LIKE SHIT AS WELL SHE SHOULD! I FULLY HATE HER!!!!

Jolene is much more forgiving of Beth than me and also introduces Beth to a new obsession: squash! Ok? It does allow Beth to wear a headband which is great wig-wise (in that it hides all the seamwork). Beth also turns down these Jesusy people who want to fund her chess trip to Russia and so Jolene GIVES HER $3,000 TO GO TO RUSSIA. IF THERE IS ANYTHING I’VE LEARNED IN THE LAST 5 MINUTES OF THIS SHOW IT IS THAT BETH WILL NOT PAY THAT MONEY BACK AND JOLENE PLEASE DO NOT!!!!

Jolene does. Beth goes to Russia which is straight out of every Bond movie and gets her shit together and wins a lot of damn chess.

Though her midweight coat game rivals that of Nicole Kidman in The Undoing, her wig game ALSO RIVALS THAT OF NICOLE KIDMAN IN THE UNDOING IN THAT IT IS ALSO A RED NIGHTMARE WIG. This show spent so much goddamned money on clothes, sets, and CGI greenscreens of Mexico City AND YET NO MONEY FOR WIGS. BOO.

I did enjoy this one chess opponent’s walrus hair but otherwise, Beth’s flip wig has absolutely overstayed its welcome and is a compete and utter bent nightmare. Also! Remember that one hot chess dude? He shows up and helps Beth with Chess!! HUH?

Also every single weirdo in the chess community somehow form a chess calming circle in Love Actually’s bunker apartment and call Beth internationally to help her win against Borgov at chess! WHAT IN THE DAMN HELL? It is sweet I guess, but also makes ABSOLUTELY NO FUCKING SENSE AS BETH WAS A TOTAL ASSHOLE TO ALL THESE PEOPLE AND DOES NOT DESERVE TO BE A PART OF THEIR WEIRD CHESS GANG.

Ultimately, Beth beats Borgov and wears THIS FUCKING HAT. I think we’re supposed to believe that she is now the white queen chess piece (I HATE THAT I NOW KNOW CHESS PIECES).

She is actually dressed in head to toe white and somehow convinces her American handler that she will just walk...to the airport? And despite being invited to the Johnson White House (girl go there!) would rather just wander the streets of Russia without any purse or luggage or way of getting home. THIS BITCH. She finds a new chess community of old men who play chess outside at folding tables and decides to join them WITHOUT GOING HOME TO PAY JOLENE ALL HER MONEY BACK WHICH IS ABSOLUTELY WHAT SHE SHOULD BE THINKING ABOUT AND ALSO MAYBE SETTING UP A BILL CAMP CHESS FOUNDATION BECAUSE YOU NEVER PAID HIM BACK YOU PIECE OF SHIT. No, she is no longer addicted to pills, alcohol, or stealing but is absolutely addicted to chess on a level that is probably lethal. I spent the last moments of the show demanding that the Russian chess hobos murder her and her immaculate white outfit because BETH IS A SELFISH ASSHOLE AND ALL HER WIGS ARE GARBAGE LIKE HER!!!!

VERDICT: DOESN’T WURQ

#wigwurq #queensgambit #anyataylorjoy #garbagepeople #valleyofthedolls #babywigs #pillpoppinorphans #Istillhatechess #loveactually #marielleheller #wiggaslighting

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krixwell-liveblogs · 8 years

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Come to think of it, healing touch is a rather jesusy power. Was my tongue-in-cheek joke about his pose and flight above water a bit closer to the point than I thought? Like, I’m not saying this guy is literally Jesus - that doesn’t seem like Willyborb’s style - but perhaps there’s some inspiration.

Definitely too early to say, though.

“‘My brother, Andrew Hawke, was the last passenger to make any sort of contact with him, I remember. He climbed up onto the railing, and, almost falling off, he clasped the hand of the golden man.

If touching his fingertips briefly cures cancer, imagine what a full hand clasp can do. Andrew Hawke, healthiest man in the galaxy...

...it probably doesn’t work that way.

The rest of us had to grab onto him to keep him from falling. Whatever happened left him with a quiet awe. When the man with the golden skin flew away, my brother stayed silent.

Here’s a thing about magic: It usually has a human consciousness.

It doesn’t always literally have a mind of its own, but most magic understands human ideas of, for example, what makes up one object out of a bunch of nearby atoms. Magic knows how the object should ideally be, after human ideals. Magic sometimes even respects human societal conventions.

What I sometimes think is “What if it didn’t?”

What if gold dude’s healing magic just healed the human dysfunction of having speech?

#worm #krixwell liveblogs #int1

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jewishconvertthings · 8 years

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That ex-xian convert feel when catch yourself saying (internally or otherwise) phrases that are overtly xian but came to mean something totally unrelated to xianity when you were growing up, such as describing all things that are annoyingly religious and heavy-handed as "jesusy" and you just wish you could scrub out your brain because uggggghh

#ex-xian convert feels #Jewish convert things #converting to judaism #jumblr

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wtffundiefamilies · 8 years

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petersock

I mean how many people get a routine check up and realize they're in like stage 3 cancer? A lot of people don't "feel" sick . . . And unfortunately by the time they get to a doctor, things have progressed pretty far :/ I'm glad she's never felt sick, but sadly that doesn't necessarily mean anything :/

Seriously. I really hope she doesn’t turn into one of those “I feel fine so I don’t need to see the doctor” folks for as long as she has insurance (I mean, I hope she never does, but also, realistically, a lot of people can’t or won’t be able to soon enough.) I’m sure she IS fine though, or we’d have heard about it by now.

But yeah, once you hit a certain age you suddenly know way too many people that that’s happened to :/

@threatre--bizarre

She's so fu kind arrogant

Well, it’s like Jesus said, “the arrogant shall inherit the - “ oh, wait, my bad...

@happymealwithlegs

Why are they matching?

My guess is because Izzy doesn’t yet know how embarrassing his father is. Or possibly just can’t verbalize it yet. I didn’t even notice they were dressed identically. Sheesh.

@angelbynight

I’m surprised they weighed him this way, but I guess that’s what happens when you don’t take your toddler to an actual pediatrician. They have scales for babies/toddlers to sit in and they normally want you to just have them wear their diaper to get the best result. Or maybe that’s just my son’s pediatrician’s office?

No clue but it seems like it would be hard to get a toddler to hold still for an accurate reading on a regular scale. Of course unless those things hold three-year-olds I imagine Izzy being too big for one would be a real possibility.

@sienaeats

so wait, is he licensed to practice now?

I thought he would have had to wait until last year to reapply but I don’t know - I really am realizing I have no clue how ANY of this works because we saw him giving Michael a well-baby checkup in an episode ages back. Also his practice shows up when you Google, so by that highly intellectual, reliable and intelligent method I can only assume that he is :P

@redwhirlwind89

Ugh, I knew all of Jeremy's books would be Jesusy. I was hoping to see an in cognito copy of Twilight or something. Oh well, at least we know Jeremy can read. I still have doubts half the Duggar kids are functionally literate.

I get that God comes first, but also second, third, fourth..? On the other hand, I’ve attempted to read Christian novels, and all of them have been as boring as plain oatmeal. If my options were also Left Behind or nothing, I’d probably also choose nothing. I guess they don’t take in any media that isn’t religious.

@ivankamarietrump

i get that they live in a small home (i live in a pretty small place too, we struggle with where to put our books too) but like is it common to put book shelves in closets? that seems so impractical to me

I guess they pack their stuff in around them? If you’re going to make him put them away, why not in boxes? I mean, I don’t want to give her ideas on how to make Jeremy’s life worse, but the shelving unit seems like a waste of space if they really have a space shortage.

@redwhirlwind89

Okay, Jessa is clearly the female Jim Bob incarnate. Makes me wonder why Jill's his favorite and not the Jessa Dictator. But she's the one that, for some reason, was raised to get whatever she wants without argument...remember how Jana was forced to acquiesce anything of hers to Jessa is she wanted it? Why is Jessa the only female sibling to get that priviledge? No doubt it stuck...she's a spoiled brat now.

I never put it together - Jessa being bowed to as a kid and refusing to take no for an answer now - but you’re probably right. And while she IS female JimBob, Jill is the obvious favorite - JimBob doesn’t like to be challenged, and Jill is the one to beg for the privilege of doing whatever he wants. Which...is actually the husband Jessa found.

@redwhirlwind89

Jessa is a spoiled brat. For some reason, it's how her parents chose to raise her...everyone bow before The Jessa.

In my experience it’s one of two things: laziness or not wanting to upset the child. Since we’re talking Michelle and JimBob...I’m gonna say laziness. It was probably easier to make the kids “get along” by giving in to whatever Jessa wanted.

@nothingelsemakessense

She even says the only reason he gets to keep one of his bookshelves out in the open is because "there's nowhere else to put it". Hey Jessa obviously it all fit before so maybe you're not as clever of a decorator as you thought if you can't make it all fit now.

That occurred to me as well. OBVIOUSLY Jeremy had enough seating in his living room to suit him AND have space left over for the bookshelves. Jessa really seemed to be designing the place with the comfort of future guests in mind over Jeremy’s. Which...what a shock, I guess, since she’ll be one of them.

wonderfullywicked

Can we talk about how miserable Jinger looks in the last 3 images? Okay, she might be tired from traveling/moving things around but to me she looks like she'd rather be anywhere but where she is right now

I’m guessing she really wanted to/expected to be able to spend some time with Jeremy and is getting sick of being bossed around by her sister instead.

redwhirlwind89

None of them ever had any concept of realistic child development. If they did, they';d know why blanket training is not only abusive, but utter bullshit in theory.

I was kidding about the crawling thing but you’re not wrong. The fact that she and Jill believe that their babies can understand “Treat others the way you want them to treat you” and behave accordingly speaks to that. But also the idea that babies can have “self-control” to not leave a blanket to get a toy. That...that’s not going to happen? The baby isn’t developing self-control, the baby is scared of getting hit? The baby isn’t sitting there thinking “I should wait to play with a toy until it’s directly handed to me and stay still because that’s the behavior my authority wants!” The baby has learned that action A leads to painful stimulus B.

Also...WHY THE FUCK WOULD YOU HIT A BABY?! How does that not go against every instinct a mother has?! I’d really love to hit Michelle with a dose of truth serum and ask her that.

@sleepymothdust

Part of this is sad, but then I see them acting all ethnocentric about it just because it is a French word??? and I'm like, you don't deserve to know the joy that is a duvet!!

I sometimes wonder if Josiah is embarrassed by how little he knows and knows that the producers are humiliating him to be “funny.” Or I guess it’s possible that he realizes how stupid it is and just gives goofy answers because he’s sick of it.

@nothingelsemakessense

My mom went by their house a week or two ago and I can see at least eleven cars in the picture she sent me, but it looks like there could be more behind the trees.

So much for their “reduced individual carbon footprints” - I wonder if JimBob realized he was boasting about “carpooling” with a bunch of little kids who couldn’t drive yet.

@happymealwithlegs

I was gonna say a full size would work, or even a futon. It's a guest room/office, right? No need for an actual bed.

A futon makes the most sense of anything. Jinger and Jeremy should’ve hired you, dude. Wait’ll you see (unless you watched the episode; in which case, my sympathies) how it looks once Jessa’s done with it.

#you ask duggars answer #18 kids and counting #jill and jessa: counting on #counting on: bachelor pad makeover #Jeremy Vuolo #the vuolo compound #Jessa Duggar Seewald #the duggar compound #Josiah Duggar #Jill Duggar Dillard #duggar family #dillard family #seewald family

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