#just - my whole heart when Zuala said that

[khalliys]

If I only could, I′d be running up that hill With no problems

[quitefair]

the more i reread the yasha comic the more unhinged i get over it

this became quite the unhinged essay so im putting it under a read more

the dynamics of the southern xhorhasian tribes - the dolarov are quite obviously primarily made of humans, but theres mention of a hobgoblin tribe that decimates yasha’s original tribe (a tribe we know nothing about - were they all aasimar? was yasha unique among them?) i wanna know everything about southern xhorhas we saw so little of it in campaign. yes i know i should just buy the explorer’s guide but i have no money shut up.

yasha having skeletal wings when we first meet her??? was there an element of losing her tribe that made her fallen once before? but then again we never quite see her wings again until skyspear kills zuala and then they are already most definitely skeletal

(also the flash of lighting behind her as she unfurls her baby wings be still my heart)

the thing that struck me the most and the thing that just adds so much depth to the story and to yasha herself is that the skyspear was her mother. the one that killed zuala was her mother. and as we find out throughout the story - a mother that was harsh and hard and unyielding and one that despite it all, that yasha so desperately wanted the approval of.

how she was told since a child that all she was was a body, a weapon to throw between her tribe and its enemies. a tool used in the name of protection. of strength. that she did not have a say in anything, everything to be done was in the name of the tribe.

(how all her life, even before oban, she was controlled by others. it was all she ever knew)

our first picture of zuala - how she is very obviously cut and bruised but has used herbs and presumably medicinal plants as part of the bandages (perhaps plants that are anticoagulants? antiseptics? shes a Plant and Flower girlie she would know)

i am so fucking over the moon over the whole yasha-zuala dynamic, how they went from indifferent sparring partners (cold and aloof yasha vs annoying little shit zuala that constantly got under her skin, lawful good yasha vs chaotic neutral zuala, theres so much i want to think about and explore there god....) to friends, to surviving together in the marking

also i know ashley probably wrote a lot of yasha’s backstory before 2018 and that its very much based on braveheart (as she’s mentioned before) but oh my god. the entire marking is just horizon zero dawn’s proving ceremony meets the hunger games and i am living for it.

theres a lot left to the imagination with their relationship, as to when feelings were acknowledged and the push and pull and give and take of the two of them, and i do love that, love how it’s not explicitly said when they actually /got together/. its like in yasha’s head, the first moment things changed was when zuala beat her in the field ( “even a weed can be beautiful” ) and another thing shifted when they found each other in the wilds during the marking and yasha realised that she could not live without zuala.

this page.

yasha going from being completely hopeless to having the tiniest sliver of hope that skyspear would accept them, and that hope being born from her love for zuala.

and then having that torn so viciously apart. again another absolutely stunning page.

the parallels between the wedding and zuala’s death, the framing of the panels. the warm skies in the first, the raging storm in the second. the lush landscape vs the barren rock. life anew vs sudden death. how in both panels there are storm clouds, but at the wedding, they give way to the warmth of the sun. as if in approval.

the aftermath of her just throwing herself at others for a fight. again apologies for the comparison to other media but it’s very korra alone. it also gives weight to the one time yasha throws herself into a fight after they free her from oban, at how she basically allows herself to get beat up, and then we get this absolutely brilliant exchange (honestly marisha and travis are me). we now get the impression that the fight in episode 89 wasnt the first, and that it had happened multiple times before. that yasha just wanted to be beaten up, to feel like she’s been punished for being what she sees herself as. a coward. weak. unable to protect the one person she truly loved.

the bits about oban and the stormlord freeing her are all stuff that was explored in show and i have cried multiple times over that already so this wasn’t new but i still absolutely enjoyed those panels.

but yeah basically tl;dr i am going to reread this so so many times. i knew i was going to love this comic and i was looking forward to this for so long now, and to finally have my feelings vindicated is so sweet.

[cadaceus]

C2E141

One last time, y’all. This campaign and these characters have meant so much to me, and this seven hour finale was definitely an emotional rollercoaster. (Yes, I shed actual tears at one point, which rarely happens to me with media. But this is a special occasion.) These liveblogs are nearly as long as the episode itself, so grab a snack! With that being said, here are my very last liveblogs for Campaign 2 of Critical Role. As always, major spoilers below, so beware. 

- Veth taking a level in Wizard, god I am really gonna cry ten minutes into this thing...  😭

- We got our first “stay with us” to Essek, I am emo...

- I was fully not expecting to say goodbye to Frumpkin, but now I’m on the verge of tears... farewell dear fey friend (Marisha saying “that wasn’t supposed to be what broke me” me too me too)

- “You’re a good person.” “I could be.” “You are.”

- “I think you’re a good person” I never thought that I’d hear Beau say that about Essek and this genuinely might be what breaks me... she thinks he’s a good person.... redemption is possible.... maybe love is real....

- If I end up crying over wizards, look away

- Jester lifting up Fjord’s arm to snuggle beneath it made me say “awww” out loud  🥺

- VETH GOING FOR A DIP IN THE POND, I AM GENUINELY SO PROUD OF HER

- “Aahhh!! It’s me! Your wife!” I am going to miss Jester’s sending so much

- Okay that accent bit was so funny, I am going to miss all of them so much

- REAL MOLLY IS BACK REAL MOLLY IS BACK REAL MOLLY IS BACK

- Oh but he doesn’t remember them... and Yasha is trying so hard to help him remember, it’s so so sweet 

- Something about the way he said “Tealeaf’s nice” made me tear up... I was neutral on Mollymauk early campaign because I went into things knowing that he passed away, but this whole conversation with the Mighty Nein is So Much. Also “Kingsley Tealeaf” 

- “Everyone should have a brother” as someone with three of them, I vouch for this  🥺

- a) I love Marion Lavorre (and Jester ofc!) so very much and b) I can’t believe that Jester’s parent trap actually worked??

- “I do not think Exandria is ready for how you’re going to change it” got to me... and it’s also so true. jester has already changed the world just by being kind.

- Good bye Marion... I love and will miss you so much! (And many thanks to Laura and Matt for creating an agoraphic single mother who raised a wonderful child <3)

- Beau and Jester teasing Marion for having a complicated relationship with Babenon reminds me of Caleb saying he has a complicated relationship with Essek...

- LEAVE CALEB ALON E FUOIKJLKGKNL 

- THIS IS ....... SO MUCH WORSE THAN I THOUGHT IT WOULD BE.

- Caleb’s biggest trauma(s) coming back to haunt him, I am genuinely going to cry I’m not ready for this I’m not okay

- Beau saying to Jester “Thanks, cutie” I love themmmmm

- INITIATIVE AAGJASKHDKJ AAAAAHHHH

- Essek’s Gravity Sinkhole did nothing? uhhhhh Mr Stark...

- EADWULF???? HELLO?????

- Essek using his entire turn to save Caleb last battle 🤝 Caleb using his entire turn to save Essek this battle

- ASTRID???? I TRUSTED YOU??? WE ALL TRUSTED YOU????

- Another Counterspell chain sdfdghjkdl wizards !!!

- “It’s just business” is literally the Neutral Evil line, it always gives me chills when any character says it

- This hurts more after Liam confirming on Twitter that Astrid/Caleb/Eadwulf were all three a romantic item... please stop hurting Caleb, you loved him  😭

- THE FJORD VS EADWULF SWORD FIGHT IS SO CINEMATIC I LOVE IT HERE ACTUALLY

- Essek taking every opportunity to pull Caleb to safety makes me so emotional...  😭

- “You’re not the first student I’ve had to put down” I am burning with my anger for you, old man 

- THE DISPEL WORKED LET’S GO CALEB.....

- Remember when Matt said that Essek doesn’t openly show concern/emotion? And now he’s saying “I’m scared” in front of his closest friends and his worst enemies.... growth my love.....

- BEAU AND VETH LETS GO CHAOS CREW LETS MF GO BABEYYYY!!!

- FJORD COUNTERSPELLING THE DIMENSION DOOR..... and Matt having him describe it.... is this taking the place of a “HDYWTDT” *eyes emoji*

- CALEB GOING DOWN NO, THANK GOD FOR THAT DEATH WARD

- Veth’s illusion of Caleb’s parents flanking Caleb in the flames.... that got me too, Liam

- “Stay down.” yeah, okay, that was sexy

- ASTRID BEING THE ONE TO ACTIVATE THE COLLAR IS LITERALLY POETIC JUSTICE... Trent being beaten by the student who stuck with him longest I love this so much, she deserved that moment honestly

- Break Time, AKA Emma Makes Her Weekly Mug Brownie Interlude

- Sometimes I feel like “death is too good for you” is a copout, but in this case it fits so well, I want this mf’s reputation destroyed and the entire operation exposed and overthrown let’s goooo

- “I loved you both so much”.... Astrid and Eadwulf walking away.... oh, Blumendrei... I know this is not the end of your story. What’s past is prologue, loves

- The Empire Siblings are gonna burn down the whole system because it’s the system that enables individual corruption... I am so fulfilled by this, god i love them

- “I love you too” OH MY GOD I LOVE THEM SO MUCH, FJORESTER ARE THE CUTEST FOR REAL

- Jester and Essek’s friendship still means so much to me btw just in case anyone wanted a check-in

- Veth giving the flask to Kingsley!! Good for her, good for her!

- OH Blumenduo are back already! I truly thought that was going to be their last appearance of the Campaign, why is this taking me more by surprise than Trent’s appearance

- “[Caleb] notes how similar Eadwulf and Fjord are” this is Widofjord adjacent... this episode we have gotten Widomauk-adjacent, Widojest-adjacent, and Widofjord-adjacent (and Blumentrio ofc), now come through Shadowgast and we can get a full Bingo on the “Bisexual Maelstrom” card

- Speaking of relationships, I am lowkey into the Fjord/Jester/Kingsley dynamic LOL no one look at me I’m in hiding

- I’M NOT READY TO SAY GOODBYE TO VETH AND CAD 😭 It makes sense and the fact that they have their families back is beautiful but also consider this: I’m sad and I will miss them 

- The goodbyes to Caduceus..... I am going to cry aren’t I?

- “If he’s anything like his mom, you won’t see him until it’s too late” Okay that made me giggle, I love Veth and I love Luc and I love their little family

- IS ESSEK LEAVING TOO? THAT’S GONNA BE WHAT BREAKS ME ISN’T IT

- If Essek leaves and we never see him again, getting a triple whammy of goodbyes I will be so incredibly sad, I cannot do this  😭

- If anyone is interested, no I am not doing well

- I was lowkey ready to get an Essek’s feelings for Caleb confirmation tonight, I guess it makes sense that we didn’t but I hope that this is not the last time we see Essek... I want to write another emo post about him and about how much he means to me but I will refrain

- CALEB BEING A TEACHER IS THE ENDGAME I WANT FOR HIM PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE

- Wow, I really was not ready to see Caduceus and Essek go for some reason... I really wanted this Campaign to end on the image of the Mighty Nein together as all nine of them... I’m feeling so numb right now having to say goodbye  😭

- Oh, we’re in the epilogue now!

- When Fjord said “[the sea] is my favorite place to be” I genuinely felt that on a spiritual level... the ocean is home, it truly is and always will be for me as well

- “I CAST MODIFY MEMORY” FJORD LMAOOOOOOO

- Okay, that Widobrave ending is what made me shed tears for the first time this episode... not to be Personal but my biological brother graduates High School tomorrow, and for some reason this conversation just reminded me so much of me and him and now I’m emotional

- NOT THE SYPHILIS BANDITS DSYUHDFJKLSFJ;DS OKAY I NEEDED THAT LAUGH

- “I’d like to hear about your friend” Kingsley aww

- Beau giving Kingsley her first diary to help him realize who they all are is actually so perfectly fitting, I love that!

- “The other eight and I, yes” Caleb counting all nine of them again  😭

- CALEB BEING OFFERED AN ASSEMBLY SEAT WTF AAAHHH

- Oh shit, Astrid took the Assembly seat... I’m not sure how I feel about this, I feel so bad for her for having to stay in the system that abused her for so long and I would have loved to see her burn the whole thing down, but I hope that she at least has a sense of contentment with this title

- “I go where you go, baby” Beauyasha.... my darling loves....

- Beau’s dad??? But also Beau being the one with power over her father is so Good, I’m glad that she got justice on that front as well!

- This talk with Artagan... “I didn’t want you to be a god. I wanted you to be my friend.” and in the process my love you created divinity... maybe divinity is the friends we made along the way

- OH SHIT WE ARE GETTING ALL THE VANDRAN LORE TONIGHT I’M READY LET’S GO LET’S GO

- VANDRAN AND AVANTIKA WERE AN ITEM???

- Wait crack theory: Sabian was a half elf right? Could he be the son of Vandren and Avantika? Or is that too much of a stretch? 

- Vandran going with them!!! Also I feel like that moment between Fjord and Vandran was lowkey a tease to a post-campain Uk’otoa one shot and I am ready for it already 

- THIS BEAUYASHA MOMENT... “i’ve never known anyone as deeply as i know you” & “explore every bit of you in multiple ways ;)” & “your past doesn’t scare me, it only makes you beautiful” .... this is so much they are so much i love them so much

- “I will have you and then some” Beauyasha   😭

- I’m torn between “oh my god there’s still half an hour left?” and “how is there only half an hour left??”

- “You will let this Skyspear live at least?” oh my god so Yasha killed the last Skyspear then? Oof...

- YASHA GIVING ZUALA(’S GRAVE) THE BOOK OF FLOWERS, OH DEAR HEART

- And Beau’s talk to Zuala about being the luckiest woman alive and sacrifice.... 😭  

- PLANTING FLOWERS AT ZUALA’S GRAVE... “NO BETTER GRAVE MARKER” THIS IS MAKING ME SO EMOTIONAL, I KNOW I’VE SAID THIS A LOT THIS EPISODE BUT THIS TRULY IS SO BEAUTIFUL

- So... I may or may not be crying again

- Shadowgast with a steel chair??

- Caleb’s plan for saving his parents... it’s clear he has thought of this so much, oh my darling love  😭

- Caleb burning down his chance to change his past is so symbolic and something he really needed to do, it does make me emotional though

- The other book was him writing to his parents?? Oh bby boy  😭  

- While I would have loved for Caleb to open his own magic school (especially with Essek, or the Mighty Nein, or someone else as well), I am so pleased that he stays with Veth and that their friendship continues for the rest of their life because again: they mean so so much to me, and in a way they remind me of me and my biological brother (which I never realized before this episode) and yeah. They just make me Emo

- Also. Caleb being a professor was my Number One Endgame Hope for him and the fact that it came true is just so surreal in the best way possible. I’m so used to being robbed of happy endings. The fact that the Mighty Nein all got theirs makes me incredibly happy. A story does not have to be sad to be impactful. Happy stories and happy endings, especially during a time period of tumultuous real life circumstances, have just as much value and meaning and they always will. Caleb is teaching the next generation magic, and he is teaching them to be Good, and he is nurturing them, and that just means so much

- MATT CRYING IS GONNA GET TO ME

- “Let’s do it again” Please, let’s.

- Okay, everyone. I made it all seven hours in one piece with surprisingly minimal tears (though who knows, this might all sink in tomorrow.) I already wrote my thoughts earlier today about how much the Mighty Nein mean to me and how much this show and these characters have kept me holding on during quarantine and today... I’m still not ready to let them go, but I know that I can always revisit to say hello and to say thank you for changing me. Until then though... I love you all more than you could ever know. And for the last time of Campaign 2... is it Thursday yet?

Good night 💗

[themagicmistress]

Heere’s an excerpt from the first draft of ‘Flowers, Soft Beneath My Heels.’ Scrapped most of it, but I liked this scene! Soo, here it is

~

Rumblecusp is a nice place. The sky is clear and has been most of the days they’ve been here. The air is still and windless save the light breezes that simply ruffle the tree leaves.

Despite the relative peace of the environment, which on any other day would be idyllic, her view of the town is one of slight chaos, and in a different way than it had been last night. People are angry, stone-faced and yelling at each other, faces darkened with rage. Yelling is fine. She has a feeling they’re just doing it to do something instead of nothing in their situation. Some, however, wander through the village with lost faces, looking pleadingly up at the sky as if for answers. It has none to give them, she knows. The Moonweaver has said her piece.

But Yasha’s not looking for trouble, or any of the previous followers of the not-god. She peers curiously around the village, trying to call back to mind the location Anola had told her to go looking for.

She has to knock on a few doors and then awkwardly backtrack as she’s met with more than one tear-streaked face until Yasha finds an older man with a long wispy beard and weary black eyes.

“No alcohol here,” he says roughly and goes to slam the door. She wedges her toe between it and the frame before he can. His eyebrows fly nearly to his hairline. “Of course,” says the man she really hopes is Kresh, “I could always reconsider.”

“I’m not going to hurt you,” Yasha reassures and he leans back from her a bit. “I’m not going to hurt you,” She says more insistently and Kresh nods quickly. She stifles a sigh. “Look, I’m just looking to buy something nice for a friend and Anola said you were the person to go to.”

The pressure on her foot lessens and the door swings open. “Oh,” his face is sheepish, “Something sweet, right?”

“Yes,” Yasha tells him. Her heels ache and her heart’s still hopping a half-beat too fast from the earlier scare. She wants to be safe beneath the protection of the dome, her friends breathing warm beside her.

The candies are twenty-five gold, a bit more than mainland prices, but well worth it.

She sticks her head into the dome and there’s a second of relief as she sees them all sitting next to each other, not having moved an inch. 

“Jester?” Yasha makes sure her voice is quiet with Beau leaning against Caleb’s shoulder, the two of them having dozed off. “Can I talk to you?”

Jester looks up from underneath Fjord’s arm, who doesn’t appear to notice his own slow attempts to pull her closer. “Sure, what do you want?”

She hesitates. “Just about stuff. Stuff that happened today.” The cleric’s face falls and for a second Yasha feels bad but she didn’t want Nott or the others to bug the tiefling about the candies.

“Oh. Coming.”

They don’t go far from the dome, Jester’s steps short and hurried. She’s also reluctant to go far, to stray more than she needs to.

Yasha pulls out the small sack out and hands it to her. “Here. I thought you’d like these and I also thought you’d prefer to not share, so… here I am giving them to you away from the others.”

The moment Jester figures out what the rock-like amber stones are, her face lights up. “Yasha!” she gasps, and her face breaks into a grin, “You didn’t have to do this.”

“Well, I know you’ve been under a lot of pressure lately, and tonight was a lot. So.” She rubs the back of her neck. “You deserve it.” 

Jester pops one into her mouth and groans and her stomach does a split-second drop as she thinks oh-no-I-messed-up before she realizes it’s a happy noise.

“These are so good!” Jester shoves the bag back into her hands, “They’re really sweet and sorta crunchy at the same time. Holy cow, I can’t believe you got these here, Yasha, because when we leave I’m never gonna be able to get them again.” Her words are a little garbled with the candy in her mouth, but then she gives a pointed look to the bag. “What are you waiting for, are you going to eat one already or not?”

“They’re for you,” she refutes.

“Yeah, but I want you to have one, so eat it,” she tells her flatly. Yasha eats the candy. 

It’s a little caramelly and it melts in her mouth, with tiny hints of vanilla, all flavours she only knows because of Jester. It spreads in her teeth, sticky but pleasing, and in the center is a hard middle she discovers is a nut as she grinds it between her molars.

The tiefling’s fingers are deft, plucking candy after candy from the bag. They don’t shake and her friend’s demeanor remains unbothered by the night’s events.

What had her face looked like, fingers clenched around green robes, eyes teary toward liquid moonlight? She can only see what Jester shows her now. Someone delighted, maybe a little too delighted, by a simple gift of confectionery. Yasha only knows how she felt, watching a friend drift into the sky, glittering with chains like early morning dew on spiderwebs. Her pulse drumming in her ears, a war drum, teeth clenched, sword clenched, and useless.

Would that she could fell a god for her friend, but Yasha has never been able to claim herself saviour.

“Wanna ‘nother?” Jester offers, face curious now. She swallows. “How are you, Yasha?”

She blinks, taken aback. “I’m fine. Jester, are you okay? That’s— that was a lot up there.”

The answer is immediate. “I’m—” Jester stops. Frowns. “I’m fine too. You don’t need to worry about me, Yasha. I got what I wanted, didn’t I?”

That’s one way of looking at it. She got what she wanted, so all the other stuff, herself gone forever, separated from her friends, the Traveler, didn’t matter. A rationalization, driven by necessity, like the kind Yasha made in battle. Help Beau before she’s impaled on those spikes below her instead of helping Fjord, it’s fine Caduceus is right there next to him, and don’t waste any effort on that last guy Caleb’s about to torch. A different kind of survival, the kind where you swath your hurts in anything that makes it stop just so that the raw and aching parts of you can shrivel and die inside your chest. Whether that means smiles or bloody fists.

“I don’t think you wanted this,” she says softly. “Things suck. And they’re going to keep being like that.”

Jester’s lips press together very tightly. She doesn’t look at her. Yasha has never thought of any of her friends as delicate, but now, she thinks that’s the problem. They’re strong. All of them. Strong enough to fight false gods and save villages and reverse death. Strong enough to face horrors most would never dream, and then lose. Someday, she fears they’ll go charging in somewhere they shouldn’t, into a chamber of laughing mouths, swallowing her whole. A clouded night and a clear moon leaving them devastated beneath it, one less to their number.

Not tonight. But it was close enough that her mind instinctively shies away from it.

“You ever think that maybe you put too-high expectations on someone without knowing it,” Jester says, breaking the silence. She tugs at the sleeves of her high-priestess outfit, “And then they try to live up to what you want them to be, but they can’t and then it goes wrong and you know that when it does it’s because of you and kind of really your fault? Like you were the one to set them up for failure in the first place?” It all comes out in a rush, her voice wobbling on the edge of tears as she rambles. “D’you ever feel like that, Yasha?”

There’s a tumultuous set to the lines of her mouth, pulled back into a grimace, too stiff for smiling, too desperate for frowning. What do you say to something like that and how can she say it with Jester looking at her like she knows the answer to her question, the plea she’s making. How do I make it right?

She licks her lips, still sticky-sweet.

“You know it wasn’t your fault, right?”

“I know,” she whispers. And then, softly, an admission of guilt, “but I would have left you guys. I would have.” Jester chuckles. “How did this happen? I didn’t mean— I mean, how did I even make him a god?”

Yasha doesn’t know anymore than she does how to make Jester feel better now. To reassure her this wasn’t her fault, at its core, none of it. “I don’t know.”

“No. That’s alright.” No words have ever sounded so small.

She thinks of Zuala. She’s always thinking, at least a little, about Zuala, but right now she thinks of her pulling them up the side of a hill, a little ways away from the tribe, about the way her fingers had fit neatly between Yasha’s own and how the last thing she remembers before leaving Xhorhas is the sound of thunder.

“You ever think,” Yasha repeats slowly, “people choose to leave because of you? Or not you personally, but because of your decisions, the choices you make. And when you think back, you realize if you had done something different, they might not have chosen to leave at all?” Jester listens in rapt silence and then her mouth opens into a horrified little ‘o’ and Yasha forges on. “And then, if they’re going to leave, should I just go first so I don’t have to watch them do it?”

“Yasha, we’re not going to leave you,” Jester says, almost demanding, voice cracking with the remnants of tears swallowed back.

“No, I know. But I’ve always left you guys,” She says, the night cold against the back of her throat. “And today, you almost left us. You weren’t going to come back from that. We would have gone to get you, but would you have tried to come back to us?”

“Of course!”

“Even if it meant leaving behind the Traveler?” Yasha asks, “Even if it meant letting him take his punishment?”

Jester bites her lower lip and Yasha watches as a brief conflict plays out across her body, fists clenching and unclenching. “That’s not a fair question. I can’t answer that.” She says it like an apology.

Yasha takes a breath and accepts it. She expects nothing less from her, the girl who painted flowers in her room, who stakes her whole self on what she would do for her friends.

She can taste iron and bitter wind like dread in her mouth. “That’s okay. Just— just don’t leave in the first place. We would be sad without you. I’m not even sure what we would do. Probably just mope around all day. Get nothing done.” There’s a ring of truth to the words that hit too close to home to be even remotely funny.

Then, there are arms around her, enveloping and warm. “I’m not going anywhere.” The words are muffled against her chest, likely to hide the quiet sound of rasping around more tears.

“Don’t leave,” Yasha says.

“Do you think,” Jester asks, “ having to ask all these questions is worth it because at least now I have more family to keep worrying about?”

There used to be a hollow in her heart, one that now purrs in some kind of satisfaction and she allows it it’s victory. “Yeah. In a weird way, I’m kind of glad to have someone to leave.” The arms grow tighter around her and Yasha squeezes back comfortingly. “I don’t want to, don’t get me wrong, but if I didn’t have anyone to leave,” She hesitates, “I’d just be running away. If I leave, I know someone will miss me. I would exist in my absence.”

“I would miss you. Beau would definitely.” Jester pulls back, the rim of her eyes a little darker than before.

Her lips curve into a smile without her prompting, though she can’t quite bring herself to care. ““I have no plans to go anywhere unless it’s where the rest of you are all headed.”

“Good.”

The cleric is stiller, and though she hadn’t seemed outright distraught in the dome earlier, now she seems steadier. A port in the storm rather than the raging waves themselves, standing firm instead crashing out and into herself over and over.

“Does asking these questions help you usually?”

Jester shows the nearly-empty velvet bag of candy to Yasha who notices she has to almost unclench her fingers from their stiff position around it. “Not nearly as much as the candies.”

“You think,” she echoes in a mimicry of their earlier conversation, “you’re ready to head back?”

“Yeah. Yasha?” Jester asks, tucking away the little bag.

“Thank you.”

“You’re important to me,” Yasha tells her and finds a little more joy in the soft smile that graces Jester’s mouth as she does. “Thank you for staying.”

She keeps her eyes on her friend’s back, her steps not quite the light skip they are usually, but lighter now. A part of her wishes she could take their group and bundle them away from the world, cruel and unfair to the best of them. Another part looks at the sea line, just barely visible over the tips of forest trees, and wonders how long into the night she would have to trek to make it there before the others wake. If Yasha squints, she can see a tiny light somewhere between the waves. A lighthouse on the shore, maybe, or a star touching down where the horizon meets the sea.

Ahead of her, Jester runs her fingers through the little velvet bag Yasha had given her over and over again like she can’t help but remind herself of the gift. A smile still rests on her lips.

[tiamat-zx]

Beau/Yasha: A Story of Sapphic Sentinels

Beauregard Lionett. Yasha Nydoorin. Two broken hearts trying to hold the pieces together so tightly that they can’t afford to let their guards down. And then they first meet in Trostenwald, and from there we have a rather complex progression into their relationship.

Whether it may end in them becoming each other’s Second Loves, or just very tight platonic friends who don’t mind occasional flirtation on the side, or perhaps something else entirely, that’s still nowhere close to being determined yet. That said, I’d like to offer my own introspective on their relationship thus far. It’s purely my own insight which may be different from others, so please bear with me.

(LONG POST. You’ve been warned.)

The way I see it, at the very beginning Beau only had a physical attraction to Yasha born purely out of lust and her own need to use sex as a distraction from her own trauma and fears, thus her relentless flirting. It didn’t bother Beau much at the time, thinking Yasha was flustered because she was playing hard to get.

But then the Iron Shepherds happened, and Yasha and Fjord and Jester were taken from them. And then Mollymauk, Yasha’s closest friend in the carnival, had died and Beau blamed herself for it, refusing to let it happen again and chose to devote her every effort into getting them all back into their fold safe and sound, only for Yasha to leave them again for a short time before reuniting in Nicodranas and joining them as they ventured to Xhorhas.

And then after some time, Yasha confided in them about being a widow and having a wife: Zuala. Hearing that, and hearing that Yasha herself actually ran away from her wife’s execution, made Beau react with a simple “Oh” because it reminded her of when she lost her first love, her partner in crime who was left to rot in jail when Thoreau bailed his daughter out and, no doubt soon right after, shipped her off to the Cobalt Soul to quash her rebellious nature and make her more “pliable” to behaving. Thankfully for Beau, and for her companions, that didn’t stick and it only refined her body and mind into the Expositor she would later become. Not because of him, but in spite of him. Because while his actions did pave the foundation for her future growth, it was Beau herself that laid down the roadmap, her own path.

And then while in pursuit of Obann, they had a campfire conversation in the Barbed Fields. And that was their first real moment of bonding and it wasn't even close to what most Critters expected: it was a show of vulnerability and solidarity talking about losing loved ones as Beau confided in Yasha about Tori and that she understood Yasha’s pain, even if it was nowhere close to that level. And I believe it was around this time that Marisha stated that Beau's not interested in a deeper relationship than that (and also that she didn’t want to say or do things that would give shippers the wrong impression). That said, though, it did make Yasha think more about this monk that she met months ago, understanding that she’s not alone in grieving a loved one being lost and that may have opened up a possible development in their budding relationship.

But then Obann happened. And I think it was during this time that Beau’s feelings toward Yasha changed. Suspicion gave way to concern. Concern gave way to determination. Determination to get her back. To make their family whole. And now that I think about it, Beau was very reliant on Jester’s strength of heart in the time that Yasha was gone, unafraid to confide in her whenever she was distressed. I feel it was during this time that she realized she had a crush on Jester and fell in love with her best friend. And yet, I do feel that she might see it as getting her hopes up; she doesn’t know how Jester would respond. After all, Jester loves everybody and Beau also doesn’t want to overstep her boundaries with Jester any more than she already has, lest she screw up and make things unbearably awkward.

So even when Beau realized she was harboring a growing crush on her best friend, she knew it would be a very unlikely outcome for her. So she diverts her focus from that to saving Yasha from Obann. And despite the numerous failures, she and the Mighty Nein eventually made headway, destroyed the Permaheart, and exposed the Angel of Irons’ true identity. Also, Beau was able to suss out that the abyssal rifts opening up were happening on both sides of the conflict, proving her earliest suspicions that the war was one big distraction. And she was right: it was an elaborate gambit in a plot to release Tharizdun, the Chained Oblivion, from the Abyss.

This plot came to a head in Rexxentrum, in the Chantry of the Dawn. Beau almost died twice that day: once by Yasha’s hand, and once by Obann’s. But she still survived. As for Yasha, had she slain Beau that day, piercing her heart with the Skingorger as if piercing her own, in an ironic reflection of Molly’s own demise, she would’ve taken her own life because that would’ve been the straw that broke the camel’s back. But (and this is just my own theory that may or may not be true considering that sometimes she had some small control over herself even when “chained” by Obann) she didn’t and she resisted making that last fatal twist. But just barely.

And because she resisted, and because Beau was able to survive, Yasha was saved. Sure, Caduceus broke the shackle, but it was Beau's forgiveness and refusal to blame Yasha despite the glaring scar in her own chest that SHE caused. That's what saved her. Even though Yasha slew many Cobalt Soul monks earlier back in Zadash, and almost killed her, Beau still didn't blame her.

She couldn't.

And then the return to Kamordah. The reunion with Thoreau and Clara Lionett. Beau meeting her baby brother, her “replacement”, for the first time. Beau’s resolve eroding in real-time as she tries to hold it together the whole time. And Yasha lingers behind to call out Thoreau, saying that he should’ve shown his daughter how lucky he was to have her. And she shows no hesitation when confronting Isharnai the Prism Sage, intent on protecting Beau from any further misery the hag could impart upon her, even if it meant destroying her own happiness.

That right there? I think that was when it began to truly change for both of them. And by the time they arrive back in Nicodranas in time for the peace talks, they are slowly growing closer again, going back to being casual and flirty but this time YASHA is the one also returning the flirting, which I’m glad for because the fish market scene was hilarious and heartwarming in equal measure, as was the joining in of Jester’s crafting time.

And then the harp performance. Beau saw Yasha in a new light as she played. A healing light. Way back in the Barbed Fields, Beau knew that there was something about Yasha that she was excited to see. At first glance, one would assume this was foreshadowing to Obann taking her away. But upon reflection, I don’t think Beau was expecting her own words to end up referring to this. And the look on her face and the exhale of breath she makes after mentioning that Yasha’s playing was amazing, that was probably when it hit her.

She’s in love with Yasha.

Which brings us to the events after the specter ambushed Beau and dropped her flat with a single gaze as Fjord AND Yasha dove in to heal her and get her back on her feet (it’s totally a competition, trust me). Now, in the past Beau would always refuse to be cared for or even admit when she needs to rest. But then she asks Yasha to carry her just like back when they first met and Yasha reluctantly did so at that time, though not to the extent that Beau would’ve liked.

And then here in the present time Yasha does so again, but without hesitation or embarrassment. And not once does Beau hide her contentment, living her best life and loving that she's being pampered by both Jester and Yasha even when everyone is aware of it.

Will this lead to a confession between the two Sapphic Sentinels? (That’s my new nickname for them, come at me lol)

Well, not quite yet, as it's up in the air as to who will bring it up first. That, and lingering questions and doubts about Beau’s feelings for Jester as well as what Yasha herself is thinking as she seems content with still loving Zuala but allowing her heart to make room for another after all this time.

Honestly, if anything, it might be Yasha who makes the first move and goes to confront her fear head-on and confess. But like everything else in their relationship, that remains to be seen.

[collisionsofstars]

...so... apparently yasha and beau actually kissed on their date, and also said they loved each other..? with yasha saying she fell in love with beau in kamordah? so much to unpack here but let’s go

this whole thing was bad enough already. like, beau had her feelings for jester completely retconned as if it had never even happened, and may i remind you once again that marisha confirmed at the time on talks that beau’s feelings were more significant than anything else she’d ever felt in her past. it wasn’t just casual, it wasn’t just sheer sexual attraction, or “lust”, as post-hiatus beau would say, but... love. i truly believe that beau didn’t just like jester, she loved her and she showed it every time they interacted in so many different ways; and jester did the same for her, every time.

the point here is how confusing it is to me hearing yasha said she fell in love with beau in kamordah. i could be wrong, but if i recall correctly, yasha did very little to support beau back then when they confronted her dad, only saying something to him, but never to beau. tagging in on the group hug, but not approaching beau directly to talk about it. so, when exactly was the moment she fell in love? when was it, really, all throughout the rest of the episodes from 91 to 99 that yasha has talked to someone else about her “love” for beau, similar to how they constantly do it now, having yasha talk to jester about it? when was it that she showed at least one small hint that her feelings had grown like that?

and then again, literally just one episode ago, when beau came back from talking to yudala and discovering how she really got into the cobalt soul, she talked to the m9 about her abduction, her traumas, she put her heart out there for them in a 20 minute conversation but yasha didn’t say anything. didn’t try to comfort her, nothing. not even about the eyes, when jester had asked beau about it and showed her concern regarding it. it’s not necessarily a bad thing that yasha doesn’t inquire beau about these things all the time, but it is bad that she doesn’t, and later acts as if she had. it is bad that she doesn’t try to comfort the person who she apparently cares about so much.

i honestly, genuinely struggle to comprehend how the cast has had months to discuss and decide where they wanted to take the narrative and their characters and this is what they’ve come up with. beauyasha is the first lesbian canon couple between pc’s, and it is, at the same time, the pairing in all the m9 with the least interactions, least chemistry, least everything. they base all of their “romance” over an apparently indefinable connection, that both of them struggle to grasp or even try to define why they’re so attracted to each other. i’m not saying that we should always be able to pinpoint why exactly we’re attracted to or like people, but when asked that, they always had similar answers, like “there’s just something about her”. beau didn’t even have to think when asked the reasons why she liked jester, and it makes sense that she didn’t have to think that hard: she knows why she likes jester because they talk! they have a real connection, and i’m not even necessarily talking about the possible romantic connection they could’ve had, their friendship alone already grants them that. and that wasn’t something that happened overnight, it was slowly built, piece by piece, on a course of almost 100 episodes. we’ve seen shared growth between beau and jester, shared experiences, traumas, and most of all: conversation. fucking conversation. they learned how to read and to deal with each other, learned how to comfort one another, how to protect each other, not only from things that could kill them in battle but also from themselves. jester calls out on beau’s self deprication and always tells her that she’s good, she’s enough, she’s so much more than what she thinks about herself and what other people tell her. and beau, on retrospect, protects jester from her blind trust, from her naivety, from ideas that jester has on impulse that could 100% backfire unsafely, like the one time she wanted to disguise herself as her mother when meeting with the gentleman.

when have you ever seen that, as plain and clear before us, between beau and yasha? when have they talked, truly, to each other? made an actual connection before jumping into anything else? and it’s not like anyone can blame this on ashley’s absence, considering that she was back permantly since episode 86, which also happened to be the one she almost killed beau while being possessed. why, yes, they’ve “talked” about it, only limiting themselves to a 2 minute conversation about something as scarring as that, with both of them saying not much more than “i’m glad i did kill you!” and “oh! i’m glad you didn’t kill me either :D” and this conversation was pretty damn recent, it happened when they visited rexxentrum again, around episode 110. so, the thing is they did have time to have an actual convincing slow-burn between them, they had the opportunities, but didn’t take it. and they didn’t take it precisely for the fact that, at the time, marisha and i believe laura as well, to a certain level were more into b/j happening than b/y. also, i don’t really have to say that the b/y thread had been dropped ages ago, long before when b/j started being a thing. and they still decided they wanted to take this “opportunity” for b/y now, 40 episodes later, rushing a romantic relationship between two characters that were barely friends in the first place.

it’s so incredibly diminishing for both of them. beau is a fully grown character, she’s changed, she’s developed and she’s pretty much a whole other person than she was back in the beginning of the campaign. she’s an engaging, complete, real character, with fears and flaws and goals but has to reduce herself to almost nothing to put up with being paired with yasha. she has to be uncharacterized, deconstructed, because if she’s not, than it’s even clearer how they don’t know anything about each other and truly, don’t have that much in common other than the fact that they’re both buff lesbians. and yasha doesn’t really stimulates growth for beau, simply because they don’t talk. characters grow together and independently when conversations are held, but it never happens for them.

and yasha is the one that breaks my heart the most. her arc about self love, acceptance and freeing of chains that kept holding her back was so bland and actually not that engaging, like the dream sequence was visually beautiful, but wouldn’t it have been so much better if it came perhaps, after they visited her village and zuala’s grave when she was ready to do that? wouldn’t it have been better with some reasoning to why she suddenly was getting her wings back, and getting her chains broken? to think that they essentialy based this whole thing on beauyasha is honestly such a disservice towards yasha’s character, not because it’s beauyasha necessarily, but because it’s bland  beauyasha. it’s underdeveloped beauyasha, you know what i mean? i truly believe that yasha’s remaining uncapability of actively taking decisions regarding herself without the influence of a third party, even after the dream sequence, is based on the fact that this result has no believable development leading up to it. it’s bland, and shallow, and she deserves so much more than that.

i’d totally be into beauyasha too, believe me, if i wasn’t presented with an actual potential to a true slowly built relationship between two best friends that not only have many things in common, but actually share traumas and similar experiences; they understand each other in a level that not many other characters reach. i really don’t understand how i even tried to force myself into swallowing b/y when they started steering the narrative towards a direction that i knew it was going to be inevitable when b/j actually exists lmao

post-hiatus romances couldn’t possibly be more bland and cr is really out there thinking they did something. i love the cast, and i love the characters even more, and that is the main reason why i cannot bring myself to watch them being crushed to almost nothing to maintain these bad relationships. and yes, it’s their game and they can do whatever the fuck they want. but that doesn’t mean i have to agree with or like their decisions all the time.

really sorry for the rant and thank you if you’ve made it this far. stan beaujes!

[daturanerium]

wrote this a few months ago for a collaborative writing/rp project i did with some friends. i figured it was time it made its way over here to my tumblr. sapphics please feel free to project i know i did when i wrote this! 

yasha sits alone on the train. rain pounds against the windows and distant lightning illuminates the sky from where she came. around her, in the car, families chat and couples share each others’ laps. it’s late, so they speak in hushed voices and ghosted whispers. 

alone in her group of seats, yasha stares out the window at the dark landscape passing by. trips for the stormlord can be a variety of things, and they usually come quite quickly and without warning. this trip had been, to her surprise, quite easy. the stormlord, though not a...verbal god, always seemed to know exactly what she needed--even when she didn’t, even when she was lost beyond belief. sometimes simplicity is key. sometimes leaving without warning, distancing yourself, is a good thing. she almost didn’t bring her phone; only the realization that she would be on a train without headphones convinced her to take it. she has them on now, but she isn’t listening. her mind is somewhere else entirely.

zuala smiles from the seat across from her. she’s not there, not really. just a memory. 

yasha smiles back. a rare smile that only two people in the world have ever seen. a smile that loves and a smile that kills. 

zuala shakes her head at the thought and laughs. you’re not getting it, she says. 

yasha frowns. love, this isn’t something to laugh about.

i think, all things considered, i am the one who gets to decide that. zuala stands up from her seat, and yasha is suddenly acutely aware of how small these trains are. even now, years later, zuala’s beauty takes yasha’s breath away. she has never been a good writer, but yasha could write an entire encyclopedia on her intricacies. yasha always falls in love with colorful people, it seems. 

red. /red/. 

adjective. a very simple way to describe her hair. the way it’s always messy, no matter how many braids you put in it. filled with trinkets and clips and ties. the way the house was full of them but they’d always disappear. the way her hair is still all over your things, years later. the way you tell yourself you don’t deserve even that little piece of her, but the way they still show up. stubborn. like her.

noun. the color of your blood (tainted) and the color of hers (pure and flowing freely). the color of rage, of fear, of hurting the wrong people. the color that looks you in the eyes and says that it should have been you. the color that your hands are stained. 

in front of her, zuala smiles at her again and holds out her hand for yasha to take. rain still pounds against the train’s window. whispered conversations filter their way into yasha’s ears, but they’re just background noise. her wife is calling her.

she takes zuala’s hand and stands up. there is a moment where they are so, so close, and yasha can feel it--that buzzing possibility, that adrenaline. that memory of a thousand long-passed kisses, each one more overwhelming than the last. that promise of another that hovers just on the surface of zuala’s soft smile. green glitter on her lips.

and then, still holding her hand, zuala steps backward. instinctively, yasha follows her.

her feet, now bare, touch dewy grass. above her, the afternoon sun covers the world in gentle warmth. yasha, still holding zuala’s hand, blinks. a beautiful field of wildflowers greets her, soft and familiar--parallel to the one in her bedroom. it stretches on for miles, only ending at the edges of a forest at the far end. all sorts of groundcover blanket the earth around them, a gentle dusting of purples and yellows over a sea of green. she laughs in surprise and delight and turns to zuala. what is this?

zuala brings yasha’s hand to her chin and rubs it gently, a gesture of pure love that yasha has not experienced in years. a gift. a bribe. a memory that’s not quite there. 

yasha looks at her, and then looks at her meadow. she would like to stay here forever, she thinks. her wife and her flowers. her wife--

hold on. what do you mean, bribe?

zuala, in turn, pulls her close and gives her a kiss. 

green. /gren/.

adjective. the color of pure life. it fills you up. it spreads from your heart to your chest to your lips to your hands as you inhale, breathe it in. that color, that energy, that life. everything is green when she touches you. 

noun. chlorophyll is what makes plants green. you didn’t have many chlorophyll plants when you were with her--in fact, you barely had any plants around you at all. she was the embodiment of life. she was your persephone. you didn’t need flowers because you had her. but she dreamed of them. you told her once that you were going to find her flowers, a whole garden of them, because she deserved to be happy. you have one now, a garden in a book, but it’s too late. you’re too late.

it steals yasha’s breath away, literally and figuratively. zuala’s kiss was like nothing yasha had ever experienced before or since. every time it stuns her. it’s a force of nature. it is nature. zuala’s kiss is the kiss of the earth, strong and steady and gentle and all-encompassing. when zuala kisses her she can feel herself decomposing, another corpse being taken over by mother nature. zuala is life embodied. yasha exhales poison and zuala turns it into oxygen, turns her rage into love, turns her vengeance into forgiveness.

and then it ends, as all things do. even mother nature herself has to breathe.

oh, yasha says, because what else can you say after something like that?

zuala, flushed and energized, gives yasha a wide grin. i have an idea. do you trust me?

of course. there is no hesitation in yasha’s mind when she answers. 

the sincerity in her voice seems to catch zuala off guard. she blushes, then composes herself and clears her throat. good. follow me! 

wait, what? but zuala has already let go of her hand. she runs down the hill, laughing. 

there is a feeling, in the back of yasha’s mind, that this is a turning point. that something isn’t right, that this won’t end well. but she trusts her love, so she runs too. bare feet against the dew-soaked green below her. following the red. 

in front of her, zuala is laughing. she does a cartwheel and dew sprays up, glimmering in the sunlight. yasha send out a little whoop! she could never get the hand of cartwheels herself. yasha was the muscle; she could kill with one hit. but zuala was all long limbs and dexterity, flips and runs. they would race and spar during their free time. yasha could win the sparring, but she was never able to beat zuala’s stamina in a race. now, yasha gives herself a bursts of energy, drawing from her reserves. but zuala is just too fast. 

and then yasha slips. her hands shoot out to catch herself, and when she looks up zuala is gone. 

before her sits the entrance to the forest. it is dark and thick, unlike the meadow of dreams that sits behind her. this green is more primal, more feral, more powerful. this isn’t just life, this is judgment. 

yasha does not want to go in. in the back of her mind, she knows what’s coming. she recognizes this too, she knows what this is. 

love, are you coming? comes a call from inside. i have a surprise for you.

yasha takes a hesitant step forward, and then another. i thought you said it was an idea?

well, it’s kind of both. the forest green laughs. you’ll see.

as she brings herself into the forest, yasha can feel the meadow disappearing behind her. she doesn’t look. instead, she keeps her eyes forward, searching the green for a burst of red, searching for her love. 

the trees are taller than any she’s ever seen before. yasha is a very big woman, but she couldn’t even come close to the size of these trunks. they watch her as she passes through their domain. some are unbothered, some are curious. she finds herself saying excuse me to the undergrowth as she pushes through as carefully as she can. 

as she gets further in, everything seems to get bigger and bigger. the trees, who were about two-yashas in size when she entered, are now at least five. they tower over her, whispering. the undergrowth is thicker, too, almost pressing in. guarding. excuse me, she says again, this time a little more forceful. 

she starts to get worried. there’s no way zuala went in this far, right? did yasha miss her? the trees watch from above as her searching becomes more frantic. zuala! love, i can’t find you!

i’m over here! her voice is so far away. are you coming? i have something to show you!

yasha starts running in the direction of her voice. she jumps over roots the size of her own body, ducks under branches too low to be alive. the giant forest’s gossip gets louder in her ears. she has to find her, has to be there. zuala has something to show her and yasha would not miss it for the entire world.

and just like that, it’s over. the trees watch from their normal perches, normal sizes. the undergrowth lets her pass. and in front of her is zuala, who looks a little surprised. are you okay, love? you look worried.

yasha blinks. she’s found zuala in a small clearing and zuala has something dark in her hand. patches of sunlight freckle the mossy floor. yeah….yeah, i’m okay. i just couldn’t find you for a second there. i’m not very good with directions, you know?

zuala smiles. she hesitates, playing with whatever is in her hands, then looks away. yasha….what if we were never separated again?

what? yasha takes a step forward into the clearing. the underbrush closes behind her. she barely notices. the moss is soft under her feet.

zuala laughs nervously. i mean, gods know you can’t walk around a forest without someone holding your hand. you need someone to….keep you from getting lost.

she’s nervous. why is she nervous? what are you saying, love? just draw me a map.

no, that’s not--that’s not what i mean, yasha.

yasha reaches her. she’s still not making eye contact. what’s wrong, love?

zuala bites her lip. she’s never nervous like this. yasha tries to reach out, take her hand, but she quickly moves it away. 

zuala. please tell me what’s wrong. 

the forest holds its breath.

zuala looks up. she’s so incredibly beautiful. yasha….do you love me?

yasha actually laughs at that. of course. i always have and i always will. you give me life. 

she smiles. and…….this is the important part, yasha. do you trust me?

there is a rare seriousness to zuala’s tone that yasha matches in her response. completely. 

then let’s attach ourselves.

yasha starts. above her, the forest whispers again. sorry?

now that she’s said it, zuala seems to gain traction. yeah, let’s just do it. it can be just us. nobody else has to know. nobody’s around to see. i love you and you love me and there’s no...you know….logical reason why we shouldn’t, you know? our love is beautiful. it should be celebrated just like everyone else’s. i have the binding cloth prepared. 

this is overwhelming. but despite everything, despite the stakes and the ever-watching forest, yasha is inclined to say yes. she thinks the clearing is getting smaller.

in front of her, zuala opens her hand to reveal a long, dark strip of cloth. only if you want to. i’m sorry, i should have talked to you about this first. this wasn’t a good idea. i’m sorry, love, let’s just go back. unless you would like to do it, do this--i just, your expression, it’s kind of hard to tell. it’s up to you, love.

she fidgets with the binding cloth as she babbles. yasha watches her, entranced, and finds that she is looking at her wife. 

yasha puts a hand over zuala’s. she stops mid-sentence.

yes.

a cold wind brushes through the clearing, tossing zuala’s hair. what?

some of the hair got caught in zuala’s mouth. yasha brings her thumb up to zuala’s lip to brush it away. let’s do it.

it’s zuala’s turn to be stunned. yasha hasn’t removed her hand from zuala’s mouth, and zuala’s own hand finds itself resting over hers. are you sure, love?

zuala, you are my love and my life. you share my soul. i’m sure about that. i trust you completely. i want to spend the rest of my life with you. i don’t think i’ve ever been this sure of anything else in my entire life. 

they’re both crying and laughing. all right, then, flower, zuala says. let’s make this official. she takes yasha’s hand from her face, and with the other one begins to wrap the binding cloth around their wrists. there’s rain in the air. the clearing is small and the green is deep. yasha watches her and feels….soft. and light. she feels like she is made completely out of love. 

zuala begins to speak the words, twisting the cloth around their hands tighter and tighter. braids and knots almost seem to form on their own. yasha takes her end of the cloth and continues their ritual. their voices complement and harmonize with one another naturally. above them, the trees lean in.

zuala looks up and smiles. her eyes are full of tears. with her free hand, yasha pauses in her ritual and wipes them away. i love you.

i love you too. 

their hands, now completely entwined, end. there is a moment where everything is still, and then yasha kisses her wife.

black. /blak/.

adjective. the color of your hair. the color of a promise. the color of silence and of change. a completeness or an absence. 

noun. you were never superstitious, but she was. she would tell you that true black doesn’t happen naturally--that black was just really dark something-else. she said that if you ever came across anything that was true pitch you should run and never look back. you laughed.

something isn’t right. when yasha kisses zuala her lips feel wet and cold--there is no life. yasha pulls back, but the binding stops her.

zuala looks at her, confused and concerned. black liquid drips from her mouth. what’s wrong, love?

you--you’re--

yasha tries to take another step back, but the ceremonial binding is still holding them together. she looks down at their conjoined hands. from where the binding sits, zuala’s veins are black. the tips of her fingers are turning pale. as yasha watches in horror, the black liquid rises up zuala’s arms through her veins. she watches it travel up and up and up until it reaches zuala’s face. the wind rises, tossing her red, red, hair again. 

yasha, what’s wrong? this is what you wanted, right? the binding?

no, no, we have to---we have to take it off, it’s killing you--love, it’s--

yasha reaches for her hunting knife but it isn’t there. nothing is there. she is nothing. she is trapped. in front of her, yasha’s wife looks on with black eyes and pitch tears. the forest is getting darker. the wind is pushing her, telling her to get out. but she can’t. she’s bound. 

yasha, let go!

the darkness is rushing through the trees behind zuala. yasha can see it coming for her. the wind is strong and the forest is dark and humming and zuala bleeds black blood. yasha tries again, but to no avail. the binding is made of love and it’s not about to break for anything.

yasha. let me go!

i can’t! yasha cries. i’m scared and trapped and i’m not going to leave you! 

the darkness presses in from all sides. black liquid pours from zuala’s mouth. the trees scream around them. everything is too much, too much, too much. she can’t--can’t let go--

yasha. look at me. 

she can’t she can’t she can’t it’s everywhere and she needs to break out, needs to leave, needs to--

yasha.

her wife calls her. dimly, over the noise of the blackness, yasha can hear her. 

you need to let me go. 

i can’t, you know i can’t-- 

you have to. it will kill you.

i’d rather die with you then live without you. 

well, zuala chuckles, my dying wish is to make sure you live a happy and full life. you wouldn’t deny me that, would you?

the blackness swirls around them, but they’re in the eye of the storm. the grass is green under their feet. yasha looks down at their hands, clasped. there is no binding cloth. just them, together, intertwined.  

go, zuala says. deep red blood pours from her eyes but she smiles at yasha, unbothered. there are so many flowers in the world to see. don’t give it all up just for me. i’m already gone.

and she is. as yasha watches, zuala begins to fade into the dark. her skin turns pale and rots, gently, softly. a woman of the earth.

i love you, yasha says. it’s a fact. 

i love you too, zuala says. it’s a promise. 

yasha lets go of her hand. immediately, the blackness begins to take her wife. it envelops zuala like a lover. she smiles reassuringly, her eyes now holes, her skin now dirt.

yasha turns and runs. 

the blackness chases her, but the trees let her pass. she runs and runs and runs, sprints through the unending forest. runs for miles, days, weeks. always, the blackness behind her, whispering promises of a guaranteed reunion, reminding her of the red on her hands. she’s tired, but she keeps running. it begins to rain. there’s a light up ahead, voices. if she can just reach it, reach them, then maybe she’ll be safe. maybe she can stop running.

rain pounds against the window of the train. yasha blinks tears from her eyes and turns down her headphones, letting the drumming of the familiar sound blend with whatever acoustic background music she had been listening to. 

someone across the way is staring at her. she gives them an awkward wave and attempts a reassuring smile, then turns back to the window. she must look like a mess. who cries on the train? her, apparently. dreams are like that. 

she should tell her friends she’s on her way back.

yasha picks up her phone. she should tell them.

the darkness outside almost seems to dim the lights for a moment. 

she sighs and locks her phone, message unsent, and watches the raindrops trickle their way down the window.

[rabdoidal]

post ep #69 fanfic:

The campfire crackles intermittently, threatening to give out with the night breeze carried from the Penumbra range behind them, backdropping the party in dusky violet as they set up camp. No one spoke as Caduceus scraped together what native herbs and vegetables he managed to scavenge across their journey in Xhorhas to make a thin stew, anything to make the magically spawned food taste better. Jester was, for the first time in the party’s knowledge, furiously flipping through writing journals and scraps of paper she had kept in her bag of holding; it wasn’t quite the spell books Caleb had amassed, but Jester was a good disciple, always taking notes on what the traveller told her. She pawed through the sporadic cursive; stories of the Feywild, stories of ancient heroes and gods, history, politics, spells he taught her and spells he had only heard of; searching for what may be the cause of Yasha’s change of heart. The sound of parchment flicking and angry tsks was the only sound any of them made. Jester had long since scrubbed away any tears in the hours since they made it out of the tomb. Nott silently offered her flask to Beau, who pushed it away, looking vaguely sick.

“Jester-“ Fjord started, trying to placate her anxious flicking with a hand on her shoulder.

“I’m busy.”

Fjord sighed, “Jester, what’s the point? Can’t you accept what we saw?”

Jester’s hand paused, her grip tightening on the spine as she raised her eyes to Fjord.

“I’m not stupid, Fjord. I’m not denying that something happened back there. I’m the one trying to find a solution, unlike everyone else here.” She snapped. The others looked on, still tired from their silent trek back from the tomb toward Bazosan.

“I’m not calling you stupid, it’s a waste of time and, frankly? If this is something that Beau or Caleb can’t figure out, I’m real curious as to what secrets you’re keeping in that book.”

“Oh, so what, I can’t be smart like them? I can’t have any idea about what is going on?”

“I’m not saying that, I’m saying you’re wasting your time looking for a magic answer! Sometimes people just lie!” Fjord was getting progressively louder, and Caduceus narrowed his eyes in Fjord’s direction.

“How could you say that, after everything we’ve been through with her? She’s our family- my family, at the very least!”

“Been through? She isn’t here half the time! She turns tail every time it starts drizzling, we don’t know the first thing about her!”

“What are you talking about, it’s Yasha!” Jester dropped her book to stand over Fjord, gesticulating to the others. “We don’t know much about her, but we don’t know much about any of us! We’re all…. stupid, dumb, oyster people! No one wants to open up! And that’s not the point, we would know if she’s bad or not!”

Now Fjord was standing, trying his best to look stern, but veering closer to constipated. “You can’t justify if someone’s good or bad by how long you think you’ve known them; she could’ve been lying the whole time!”

Caleb sighs from where he was attempting in vain to transcribe in his spell book, resigned to the fact that they would keep arguing until the group came to a conclusion.

“I know what I saw back there, I know what I heard.” Fjord continued. Jester shoved Fjord with a hand, aiming to jostle, but causing him to take a step back, looking indignant.

“That’s what I’m saying, you dumbass! Magic might have made her say and do those things! We’ve seen it with Caleb, and with Nott, and on the bridge back there – I just…” Jester sat back down, her voice thickening again with tears. “I can’t leave her. I don’t care if you guys want to leave, I can’t. Not until I know what happened to her. I can’t believe you’re so ready to abandon her, after…”

She paused, and Fjord’s face softened, looking regretful. He sat back down next to her.

“She was so broken, when we were kidnapped. Then when she saw Molly, when she spoke about Zuala in the kitchen with Caduceus and I… I’ve seen her try and act, or when she’s been taken off guard or surprised. She’s terrible at it. She didn’t have to try and protect us, she could’ve found stronger people to use, if she wanted tools.”

“Not to toot my own horn or anything, but I would’ve known if she were a bad person.” Caduceus adds, a dark edge to the rumble of his voice.

“I know.” He said softly, “I know, I’m sorry. I don’t want her to be evil. I guess I’m just looking for a simple answer, or a way to resolve all this. It’d be easy, if she was evil the whole time. How could there be a spell that… all-consuming? Something that lasts even after Oban died?”

“What would you even know…” Jester mumbled. Nott swatted her arm and gave her a disapproving look, something unexpected from the woman who made no secret her distaste for Fjord. “Okay, sorry Fjord, you know about magic too, that wasn’t nice.”

“It’s fine. Honestly, I don’t know the first thing about magic. I guess that’s why its so much harder to comprehend magic like this.” Fjord looked down at his hands.

“In any case, I’ve been wondering about that too.” Caleb offered softly, startling the groups focus away from Jester and Fjord. “When Caduceus, or Jester, or Nott, or Fjord or I are knocked unconscious, our magic fades as well. Mind you, we are not all powerful, nor are any of us fiendish, so perhaps it is an inherent ability to abyssal creatures.”

“Well, aside from Jester.” Nott said. “But only on her mum’s side.”

“Yes, but again, her spells cease upon unconsciousness as well. I have no experience with a charm spell or control spell that lasts more than an hour, and certainly not one that continues under the caster’s will, post-mortem.”

“It certainly seemed like she was on our side, at least at the beginning.” Fjord consented. “She did a lot of damage against Oban and the big freaky hand thing, and neither of them were acing like she was an ally.”

“And she protected us.” Beau said. “Earlier, even. She said to leave her behind if she was captured, or if she died. Why would she say that?” They were all quiet for a moment as Caduceus started passing around plates, glad for the temporary reprieve.

“Did you find anything, Jester? In your books?” Nott asked tentatively as they pushed food around their plates, not settled enough to eat yet.

Jester hummed a little and nodded her head. “I have some theories, but they’re not based on, like, actual spells or anything. Just what I think happened.”

“The floor is yours.” Fjord said. Jester sighed and set her untouched plate aside.

“Number one is she is evil. We can’t rule it out, I guess. Like Fjord said, she is gone a lot, and quiet. But we have seen her try and act, and how many times she has fucked up, and how she reacts to very bad things happening, so I don’t think she was a super powerful super-spy cult leader the whole time.”

“Yes, she was quite shifty, but I think we all have our secrets here.” Nott replied. “Except for Jester and Caduceus, I guess.”

Jester reached over and squeezed Nott’s hand. “Number two is this is a charm spell, and it somehow kept going after Oban died. Which means either it was a normal length spell, or a big super powerful one that lasts a long time.”

“But if it was only an hour, she’d be back by now, right?” Beau asked.

“Not if she is dead.” Caleb said quietly.

“That is another theory.” Jester replied. “Either she is still in there and still charmed, or she fought off the charm and… died alone.”

“I have the feeling she’s still alive.” Caduceus offered. “I can’t be certain, but I haven’t felt anything pass on near us.”

“That is good to know, at least.” Jester said. “My last theory is that Oban had something to do with her lost memories, like we talked about a few days ago. Maybe Oban took her memories and then gave them back when he died, and maybe they were friends or something, so she turned bad because we killed him.”

“Well, that’s not a great option.” Nott said grimly.

“But it also could mean that Oban put fake memories in her head of them being friends, and now she thinks she needs to do what he says?”

“Either way, that means Yasha chose Oban over the Mighty Nein.” Caleb said. Jester’s shoulder’s visibly deflated.

“I think it could also be something to do with the charm spell stuff, or a control spell.” Said Beau. “Maybe it’s like she’s trapped in her body, like she’s possessed by Oban or something else, and is following that thing’s instructions.”

“So that means that either she’s trapped in the tomb as good Yasha, trapped in there as bad Yasha, trapped in there but possessed, dead, or she’s escaped. She would’ve found us if she escaped as good Yasha, but that also means she’s not after us if she’s possessed or evil. We’re not exactly subtle, after all”

“I don’t think she’d be trapped in there for long, she’s too tough.” Said Beau. “So either she’s dead, or she’s out there possessed, or evil.”

“I guess that’s a good thing.” Fjord rubbed the back of his neck. “Maybe there’s still some sense of good in her? Even if she’s evil or something?”

“I hope so.” Said Beau.

“I know she’s good.” Said Jester. “Or, maybe not technically good, but I know she loves us. I think that if she can come back, she will come back to us.”

“How long will that take though? Days? Weeks? What if we wait months and she’s dead in there, and we just left her? What if she comes back and doesn’t remember anything?” Asked Nott

“What if she finds us and kills us?” Asked Caleb. They were all good questions.

“We could go back in the morning, try going through extra super careful and see if she’s still in there. Right now, we can’t really do much to help or anything.” Jester added.

“A-yup, I almost died back there.” Said Fjord, finishing the last scrap of food on his plate before leaning back on the hard brown dirt behind him. Caduceus hummed in agreement.

“Tomorrow, then.” Caleb offered. “Shit happens. We almost all died trying to save her, and we are all very low on health and magic, so we are of no use. If she is gone, then we will look for her. If we cannot find her…”

“Then we’ll wait.” Beau finished. “As long as it takes.”

Slowly, they all finished their food, too tired to wash plates for the night, opting instead to pass out as soon as the sun finished setting. Caleb quietly and methodically set up the tiny hut, the bubble feeling slightly too empty to be normal. Caleb told no one that he made sure Yasha could still get inside the hut if she found them in the night, even if it may cost their lives if she was, in fact, evil.

Irrational, he knew, but hopeful.

[halforcpaladin]

circumstances change

a modern AU beauyasha fic

[read part one]

[read it on ao3]

“Twenty,” Yasha said as she handed a bouquet of flowers to the customer who had requested ‘something simple with yellow roses,’ which Yasha had, in her own estimation, adequately delivered on.  

The white canopy above her stall did little to save her from the heat and humidity that crowded the air. A bead of sweat rolled down her forehead and into her eye. Blinking, Yasha took a wad of cash from the customer and tucked it into her apron.

The smells from the market (fresh waffles, homemade honey, her own flowers) were always strong, but the afternoon sun amplified it into a heady fog. It made the air feel thick and slow. She should go home soon, see Zuala. Feed the cat. Sit in front of the air conditioner.

“Did you hear me?”

Yasha blinked. The last customer, an androgynous dark skinned person with a shaved head and a cobalt blue turtleneck, was still standing in front of her stall. The sizzle of batter being poured onto a waffle iron crackled from one stall over.

“Sorry, what did you say?”

“I asked if you did weddings.”

“Yes, I do.”

“It’s short notice, but I’m having a very small wedding in a month. Would you be able to provide flowers for that?”

Yasha pulled a business card from the card holder on her counter. The card holder was plain but finely carved cherry wood, a gift from Zuala when she had first opened the store. “Give me a call and we can talk, ok?”

They nodded. “Sure, sounds good.” The brown paper wrapped around the bouquet crinkled as they placed it and Yasha’s card into their canvas bag and drifted off into the tight market avenue.

Yasha sighed, leaned back against the table holding buckets of her flowers and looked out into the market’s maze of white awnings. Today had been long. Most Saturdays were so busy that she rarely stopped moving, but the crowds today had been thin and she had barely sold enough to make it even worth working. She thought perhaps the heat was keeping everyone indoors.

Twenty minutes passed slowly and without a single customer. Maybe she’d close up shop early. Yasha allowed herself to daydream again; this time, she thought about slicing a cucumber and some lemons and putting them in a pitcher of ice water. She thought about laying on the green couch in her living room and looking out an open window as a cold breeze poured into the room.

Yeah, alright. Maybe she really would close up shop early. She opened her eyes to look out at the market again to see if anybody else was packing up, to absolve herself of the guilt that came with quitting early, but instead she was greeted with the smile of a little blue tiefling.

“Yasha!”

“Jester!”

“We came to see you. I’m so glad we caught you before you left.”

We?

A woman stood behind Jester with her mouth slightly agape and eyebrows raised. Keen blue eyes. Warm brown skin. Beauregard.

Yasha felt her heart rise in her chest and push out the air in her lungs.

“Oh, um. H-hello,” Yasha said.

Beau’s face seemed to draw together suddenly, her eyebrows furrowed and mouth turned down, her already sharp features somehow honed sharper. She turned her face away from Yasha and fixed her gaze at the black asphalt at her feet.

Jester was wearing one of the hats she had tried on that night she spent with Beau. The big straw sunhat. Whether it was intentional or natural obliviousness Yasha was unsure, but Jester seemed not to notice the tension that had bloomed in the air, now pulling tight around her head like it was sucking all the words from her brain.

“Beau said she’d never been to the market so I thought it was a good idea to go today and see you and buy cute stuff and things,” Jester said, though Beau looked like the ‘seeing Yasha’ part of the plan had not been previously discussed. Jester dug around in the bag she had slung around one of her shoulders. She pulled out a small painted figure and placed it on her palm. A little white unicorn, fat and round with an impossibly bright fuschia horn, sat there staring at Yasha with beady black eyes. “Isn’t it amazing?”

“It’s--it’s… It’s really great, Jester.”

“I know. Can I buy some flowers?”

“Sure, what do you want?” Yasha was grateful for an excuse to turn her back and not have Beau’s figure in her peripheral, though she still felt the woman’s presence like a sunburn on her neck.

Jester hummed. “Oh, I don’t know. Something really cute. Do you want anything, Beau?”

“No.”

“Isn’t Yasha’s stall so nice, Beau?”

“Yep.”

“She has the best flowers in the whole market. People are crazy about them. They’re like: ooh, Yasha’s flowers.. So pretty…”

Reading other people was not a talent Yasha possessed, but she didn’t need to be particularly observant to guess what Beau was thinking.

The texts. The lack of a response. The night on Jester’s futon.

A memory of kissing Beau’s collarbone flashed in her mind as a watercolor of golden streetlight soaked brown skin and Yasha inhaled sharply. Tucking a stray hair behind her ear, she wrapped the fresh bouquet up with twine and took a moment to look at the flowers she had chosen for Jester. Her head was so full that she had barely noticed which buckets she had pulled from, but it seemed like her instincts were good enough to steer the ship even if the captain wasn’t on deck. Blue hydrangea, lilac, baby’s breath, leatherleaf fern. She took in a deep breath before turning around to present the bouquet to Jester.

“Oh! That’s so pretty, Yasha, thank you. It’s going to look so cute in the kitchen.”

“I’m glad you like it, Jester. It’s on the house.”

Yasha looked at Beau. Beau was looking at her. They both looked away. An uncomfortable chill wound its way around her heart.

Did Beau hate her?

“Oh my gosh, really?”

“Yeah, of course.”

“Thanks! Hey, Yasha, you’re coming to Fjord’s birthday party next week, right? It’s gonna be at my house.”

Yasha cleared her throat. “Um, sure. Yeah.” Was Beau going to be there? She wasn’t sure if that made it more or less likely she would go.

Jester smiled widely and clutched the bouquet to her chest. “Great! See you later!”

Yasha watched as Jester chased after Beau, the white fabric of her sundress billowing behind her. She exhaled while wiping the sweat from her forehead with the back of her hand and unscrewed the cap on her water bottle. She had earned an early closing time.

---------------------

Taking down the tent and the tables and the buckets of flowers took time. Driving the equipment back to the warehouse took more time, and unloading it took some time, and driving home took some time, too. All of that time was taken alone. Her thoughts provided some company, though not the welcome kind of company.

Yasha’s fear that Beauregard resented her rode with her all the way home like an extra passenger in her van. Trying to pretend that it wasn’t there didn’t work; it just seemed to loom like a person-shaped shadow.

When she was finally home and slicing a cucumber on her bamboo cutting board, Yasha wondered if this was longing. Was that what she felt when she saw Beauregard? A deep pull in her soul, a desire to feel her lips again, to touch skin against skin? It wasn’t entirely unfamiliar, but she hadn’t felt it since high school. Not in the same way. Not for anyone except Zuala.

The knife in her hand cut easily through the soft flesh of the cucumber with a satisfying kch-shhnk as the metal of the knife hit wood. Kch-shhnk, kch-shhnk.

So if this was longing, if she was allowing herself to call it that, was it a betrayal? Was this outside the limits of the ‘open’ part of her relationship with Zuala? Would Zuala hate her, like Beauregard already did?

Yasha was mid-slice when she felt a hand on her shoulder and the knife went shhnk right into the tip of her index finger as Yasha twitched in surprise. A bit of crimson blood bloomed on her skin and dripped onto the cutting board. “Shit!”

“Oops!”

Zuala’s hand went for Yasha’s and guided it up to her mouth. Zuala kissed her finger and gently licked the blood from her skin.

Yasha felt her breath catch. “It’s fine. It was a small cut.”

Zuala let Yasha’s hand fall away from her mouth but held onto it, rubbing her index finger along a line in the skin of Yasha’s palm. “You’ve been so tense lately.”

Yasha inhaled and found herself unable to look away from the kitchen floor. Black and white tile. The air smelled like lemons and cucumbers.

“Tell me what’s wrong.”

Yasha didn’t immediately respond. Zuala pressed her finger to Yasha’s palm.

Yasha exhaled. “I’m afraid.”

“Of what?”

“That you won’t love me anymore.”

Zuala placed her hand on Yasha’s jawline, her fingers just grazing Yasha’s pale cheek. She lifted Yasha’s chin up until Yasha looked up and met Zuala’s gaze.

“Not possible,” said Zuala.

The tension seemed to slip from Yasha’s muscles and her shoulders fell away from her neck. For a moment she thought she might cry from relief, but she blinked the tears back and found comfort in the dark brown of Zuala’s eyes.

A few seconds passed before Yasha was able to get the words out. “Do you remember that girl I told you about? Beauregard, Jester’s friend?”

The words came easily after that, falling out of her mouth like water in a creek finding its way past fresh rockfall. Zuala listened. She asked questions. She ate a slice of cucumber.

When Yasha was finished, Zuala said, “I think you should explore this.”

Yasha raised an eyebrow. “What do you mean?”

Zuala took Yasha’s hand again, this time holding it firmly. “I think this could be really good for you. For us. If it’s what you want, I think it could be good.”

“You want me to--to date Beauregard?”

Zuala grinned. “Yes.”

“Would you be dating her, too?”

“Why don’t you see if she wants to date you, first?”

Yasha smiled and pulled Zuala into her chest and placed a kiss on her cheek. Evening sunlight from the bay window next to their kitchen table lit up Zuala’s dark hair and glowed around her like a halo. “I am so lucky to have you,” Yasha said.

[howlingheartdemigod]

here’s some self indulgent fluff

lvl 20 god destroyers decide to get married right after the epic final battle, because there’s no time like the present, right?

Beauyasha, 1319 words

title from here

one day you will arrive

“This is quite possibly the most crazy, ridiculous thing I’ve ever done.” Beau stood, facing Yasha. Her stomach was doing flips, her cheeks darkened with a blush, heart pounding in her chest. It felt like the rush of battle, it felt like magic in her fingertips, it felt incredible. She stared at Yasha, at their clasped hands, and took a deep breath to her stomach. “This might just be insane. And we just fought a god.” Beau looked around them, at the wreckage. Standing in the rubble of their victory she looked back to Yasha. “You are… You are just amazing, I… Was never one for commitment, Yash. I’ve always been kinda a mess...”

“Very romantic vows, Beau.” Yasha muttered quietly, laughing. She heard a muffled laugh to her right where the majority of her friends stood in a loose semi circle, in various post battle conditions.

“I didn’t have much time to prepare.” Beau teased back, no bite to her voice.

She heard Jester sigh a little to her left, “If you’d had time to prepare this would be a much fancier wedding.” Jester promised, before looking up at Cad. “Oh, if Nila were here she could make some pretty flowers, and Pumat Sol would have been able to make something cool for a wedding gift, and my mama would have been able to sing.”

“That would all have been too much, Jester.” Yasha said, with a small smile.

Jester sighed, “Fine but when I get married we’re inviting everyone. You hear me, Fjord?” She pointed past Beau to Fjord. “I’m inviting all of our friends.”

Fjord smiled fondly, looking a little dazed. “Yeah, Jes, we can do that.”

“Guys, uh, I was kinda trying to do something here.” Beau cut in. “Vows and all.”

Caleb snorted a little. “Please, yes, continue to butcher your way through that.”

“You were doing fine.” Nott promised, a smile on her face. “You haven’t puked, so you’re doing better than my husband did at our wedding.”

Caduceus let out a little chuckle, “Go on, Beau. I think you were trying to get to a point.”

Beau laughed a little, nodding. “Right, right, uh… Yasha.” She started again. “I never thought that I was the sort of person who did commitment. My whole life I tried to run from the commitments my family put on me. I tried to break their expectations. I never wanted to be beholden to something. To someone. Being anyone’s anything, anything that mattered, I mean… that terrified me. The idea that my identity was tied to another person, that always seemed like the worst thing. Then I met the nein.” she said, smiling around at their party. “Mat you.” Beau swallowed, looking deep into Yasha’s dual toned eyes. “And I got used to the idea of being someone’s something. Someone’s friend. Someone’s teammate. Someones first mate,” that got a laugh out of Fjord. “I started to learn that belonging in someone’s heart didn’t mean I belonged any less to myself. And then I started to fall for you. I mean, I say started but pretty much as soon as I saw you I was floored. But then I really started to know you and it just… got worse and worse. And I remember looking at you one day, and realizing… realizing how utterly fucked I was.” She swallowed. “I remember looking at you and thinking even though I’ve got no chance… She’s it. She’s it for me. And I remember being okay with that. I remember thinking that I would be perfectly happy with you never loving me, because as long as you found happiness, that was enough. And then you did start to love me. And I don’t know when that happened. I don’t know what changed your mind about me. But I’m so thankful for it. I’m so happy to be yours. I’m so happy to be known as your partner, your love, your wife. And I will be happy to call myself that on this plane and the next, as long as you’ll let me.”

Yasha let out a little breath, head shaking. She looked back up at Beau, causing, as always, Beau’s heart to skip a beat. “I’m not a woman of words, but, I think I have a few things I’d like to try and say. My mind never changed about you, I wanted to be with you as soon as I saw you. But I didn’t know how. I thought that I couldn’t, that I’d given all my love to another. I thought my love was gone. But I know now, I understand now, that love is not a cup you spill from into other people’s hearts. Love is a flame. It burns bright and slow, and can be put out, yes, but it can also grow. Even a single ember staying alive, or a single spark lighting up can turn a flicker into a blaze. Your flame can light another person's, and they you. My first wedding, I thought I was pouring out all my love. And when I lost Zuala,” Yasha’s voice broke on the name. Even though she knew from a series of visions, that Zuala wanted nothing more than for Yasha to be happy, it still hurt. Beau squeezed Yasha’s hand, taking a small breath. “When I lost her, I thought I was empty, or all burnt out. But you came along, Beauregard, and you showed me that my fire was not done burning. That there were still embers alive. You shared your spark with me, and I burned for you. And that scared me, so much. It still does. But you are everything I need to be brave for. You have lit my heart alight Beau. You are the candle that brings me home. You are the flame that keeps me warm. I am honored to call you mine, and have you call me yours. and I will be happy to have you as such, as long as our souls dance on the surface of reality.”

Beau felt tears well up in her eyes, and ducked her head, “Ah, fuck.” she muttered. Yasha’s warm hand cradled her cheek, brushing aways the tracks. “You got me, babe.” She met Yasha’s eyes to see the tears there too, and felt a little less silly for her own.

“As the co-officiant of this wedding,” Jester said, swinging her hands wide. “I would like to say something.” She looked between them, gaze going from an imitation of haughty importance to something soft and genuine. “I have watched you two dance around each other, and learn about each other, and protect each other, and fall in love with each other. I’ve learned about how hard, and wonderful, and sad, and beautiful, not from a book, but from you two.” She smiled, a hand going to her chest. “It’s better than any story any one person could have ever written. And I’m so happy that this is the ending of it.”

“I would only argue on point.” Caduceus said, smiling down from his place next to Jester. “This is not the end of any story. This is the best beginning to one.” He nodded a little. “Would either of you like to say more?” He asked, looking between them.

Beau looked to Yasha, and let out a little laugh. “Only that I love you.”

Yasha smiled, seeming like she would never like to look away from Beau again. “I love you too.”

Caduceus nodded a little. “Beautiful. Jester?”

Jester lifted her hands aloft, “By the power vested in Caduceus by the Wild Mother, and me by The Traveler, and also both of us as your friends since you asked us to officiate,” she drew the word out to giggles from all around. “I now pronounce you married. You may seal your union with a kiss.”

Beau was more than happy to oblige.

[kimabutch]

I’ve got a few songs but I haven’t been able to keep up so sorry if they’ve already been said! The first one is for Yasha and the moment I made this connection it made me so sad, “nothing remains” by like a storm. Then for nott/veth, “moth” by Hellyeah. There are so many things about that song that just broke my heart. For beau/diron/cobalt soul “Silence Speaks” by while she sleeps. Something about this song just feels right for the cobalt soul idk why. Thanks for making this list!!

I don’t think any of these have been said! Thank you!

Nothing Remains is perfect, right down to the rocking feeling and the band name. And those lyrics, oof — they work so well for Yasha’s empty months following Zuala’s death:

Without you nothing remains [...]/ It's like I died right there with you/ I lost everything that day/ When this life I thought I knew/ Was ripped out and taken from me”

Moth is murdering me with emotions...

“I've been cast out, sequestered./ Pushed the fuck around./ Blindsided, beaten, locked up and bound./ Always thought I was human but maybe I was wrong./ I've been treated like an animal since the day I was born.” 

You can just feel Nott/Veth’s anguish as she realizes that she’s become all the things she’s been punished for her whole life.

I agree that Silence Speaks is very Cobalt Soul — I think because it speaks about identifying corruption:

“They can pollute our heads with the news/ They will manipulate the masses again”

And tearing it down:

“Can we beat this if we all/ Tear the borders, break the walls/ Together as one?” 

Come yell at me about songs that remind you of Critical Role! (Playlist | song masterlist & spreadsheet by disasterhumans | CR music tag)

[andsotheuniverseended]

Character headcanons: the whole mighty nein?

oh damn aight babe lets get started

Jester

1: sexuality headcanon

my girl is bisexual, no question.

2: otp

beaujes ftw, of course. i just... i feel like Jester can lean on Beau a lot, and that’s important.

3: brotp

honestly Jester has such a good relationship with the whole entire team, i cant believe how much she is the heart of the entire team. i would say my favorite dynamic is... jester and fjord. they just have some real cute moments, and they really try and support each other.

4: notp

i dont really have any notps? i mean... i cant really see her with caleb, i guess, which is a thing some people like? but im very much a chill person.

5: first headcanon that pops into my head

Jester used to make little gifts for her mom, but she kind of had to make do with the things she had access to, so it was a lot of drawings and playing pranks she thinks will make her mom smile.

Also, Marion still has every single one of the drawings Jester ever gave her.

6: one way in which I relate to this character

Dick jokes.

7: thing that gives me second hand embarrassment about this character

hmmm... i dont get much from Jes, honestly. i would say... oh wait gods i just remembered that conversation with Beau about relationships and how theyre not like the books they read oh my poor baby Jester ishfgufkd.lg8: cinnamon roll or problematic fave?

cinnamon roll

Caleb

1: sexuality headcanon

i am personally real into asexual and panromantic Caleb.

2: otp

i dont particularly ship Caleb with anyone? but if i had to say... maybe with Essek? or Caduceus? but Caleb is v much the kind of person who needs solid family relationships more than romantic ones.

3: brotp

Caleb and Nott are the og, obvi.

4: notp

Caleb and Beau, for sure my dudes. they are Empire Siblings, platonic forever.

5: first headcanon that pops into my head

i dont remember if its said where he got the name from but ive decided just now he got the name Caleb Widogast from a porn book. it was a minor character and he’s mostly just praying that Jester will never run into the book he took it from.

6: one way in which I relate to this character

depression and trauma, babey

7: thing that gives me second hand embarrassment about this character

when he was having that conversation with Beau and they were just literally talking circles around each other and not getting anywhere with it. also any time where he starts talking about how he’s a shitty person.8: cinnamon roll or problematic fave?

problematic fave, for suresies

Caduceus

1: sexuality headcanon

he is a big and soft and gentle gay man.

2: otp

Caduceus x peace, Caduceus x support, Caduceus x not dying ever again please

also i like Caduceus and Fjord

3: brotp

i really want Cads to connect more with the others, yknow? i feel like hes doing a lot of supporting them and not getting a lot of support. i liked that moment he had with the Gentleman, i would love if that got more time but i doubt it.

i would say... Cads and Jester? i feel like they both do that thing where they don’t lean on others as much as they could and so they should lean on each other.

4: notp

i dont think i honestly have one for Cads. i mean, him and anyone who would hurt him. dont let anyone hurt the boy. he needs protection.

5: first headcanon that pops into my head

i think part of why he hasnt scried on his family is partially worry about just not being able to see them, but also partially worry that theyre fine out there. theyre fine and doing good work and they just havent come back, havent checked in on him or the Grove, and he’s just as scared to see that as he is to see that theyre not okay at all.

6: one way in which I relate to this character

low int, has trouble paying attention, big mood.

7: thing that gives me second hand embarrassment about this character

i... honestly cant really think of a moment? he has always done his best and i love him.8: cinnamon roll or problematic fave?

cinnamon roll

Nott

1: sexuality headcanon

i... i feel like. she has straight woman energy? but i dont like that so as far as im concerned she’s bisexual.

2: otp

Nott and Yeza. rhino sex potions, learning how to change and grow together, and that entire moment when they’re reunited and Yeza is just happy she’s alive no matter what she looks like.

3: brotp

listen Nott and Caleb are the og, but Nott and Jester are the detective duo and as far as im concerned, thats what matters most.

4: notp

mmmmmmmmmm idk does anyone ship nott and caduceus? thats a notp for me, i just decided that just now.

5: first headcanon that pops into my head

Nott hasn’t spoken to her brothers in a very long time, and in fact actively avoids it when given the chance.

6: one way in which I relate to this character

“they turned me into everything i thought was”. always thinking of yourself as Less. and also being a gross goblin.

7: thing that gives me second hand embarrassment about this character

knowing she had a crush on caleb lmao not gonna lie8: cinnamon roll or problematic fave?

problematic fave

Beau

1: sexuality headcanon

lesbian

2: otp

BeauJes, my dudes. “i could be her beacon” was a powerful phrase. and also beauyasha is still very very good content.

3: brotp

Beau and Fjord. captain and first mate. teacher and student. i honestly think Fjord was one of the first people to really give Beau a chance to grow as a person and she grabbed it with both hands and worked so hard at it, and Fjord was there for it. 

4: notp

beau and any guy. she’s a lesbian, ya’ll. come on.

5: first headcanon that pops into my head

beau doesnt like yellow because one time she had to wear a yellow dress to a party and she spilled something on it and got yelled at for the stain and she’s a bitter one who doesnt let things go so now she just doesnt wear yellow, and prefers dark colors.

cant get yelled at for stains if no one can see them!

6: one way in which I relate to this character

socially awkward! yes.

7: thing that gives me second hand embarrassment about this character

mmmm socially awkward, again8: cinnamon roll or problematic fave?

i feel. like. she cant be a cinnamon roll but shes also.   not entirely a problematic fave? more problematic fave than cinnamon roll, but not really either.

Yasha

1: sexuality headcanon

she is a Lesbian who was very much in love with her wife, as most lesbians are.

2: otp

Yasha x forgiveness, Yasha x happiness, Yasha x freedom

also beauyasha is always good. and so is yasha and jester? get yasha a blue girlfriend who will reassure her that things are okay.

3: brotp

Yasha and Molly were, obvi, amazing together. maybe its bc of them that i also want to see more of Cads and Yasha. 

i just feel like the low int bros could be fun.

4: notp

ummmm i guess. i cant see molly and yasha in a romantic way at all?

5: first headcanon that pops into my head

on yasha and zuala’s wedding day, they had to do it in secret, so they couldnt really decorate or celebrate much. but what they did do was pick flowers and put them everywhere. so that even if they couldnt show their love to their tribe, they could still be surrounded by colors and life and beauty.

6: one way in which I relate to this character

Says Dumb Things, Loves Girls So Much, Needs A Break

7: thing that gives me second hand embarrassment about this character

listen i am anticipating a lot of awkward apologizing and guilt and idk if this counts as second hand embarrassment but im deffo gonna be crying so8: cinnamon roll or problematic fave?

cinnamon roll and i will fight anyone who says otherwise

Fjord

1: sexuality headcanon

thinking about it... im real into demi Fjord. 

2: otp

Fjord x Eldritch Blaaaast

forreal tho i dont heavily ship him with anything. him and Cads are cute, tho.

3: brotp

i know i already said this for beau but really the captain first mate dynamic is so so good.

i also like him and nott. green drowning victims! bickering! also actually being ride or die for each other but like you would never tell them that!

4: notp

mmmmm him and avantika i guess

5: first headcanon that pops into my head

a lot of the reason Fjord is so good at accents is bc, as a kid, he would try and mimic other people’s voices. he thought it would get them to stop looking at him like a half-orc. it didnt work, but now he can p much copy anyone’s voice so that’s handy!

6: one way in which I relate to this character

just doesnt know whats going on, assumes someone who says wise words must be the smartest person ever, feels like deadweight if they dont have something special they can do

7: thing that gives me second hand embarrassment about this character

this is legit the hardest question for every character my dudes uhhhhh oh gods the whole thing with avantika was killer so i guess when he has to fake it but also doesnt know what the hells going on at the same time.8: cinnamon roll or problematic fave?

cinnamon... roll? i mean... he did also almost unleash a many eyed eldritch snake tho......... so....

send me a character or anything really