#just admit that you hate feminine female characters (especially Black ones) and then go away

[thejakeformerlyknownasprince]

It could be argued that while some see Cassie's empathy as a weakness, it's something that actually makes her dangerous. It's why she's able to manipulate characters in the series and do things like come up with a plan to trap David or trick a Controller into thinking she's Rachel or, again, get Yeerk deserters by giving them the morning cube. She KNOWS her enemies and because of that, she knows what they'll be thinking, feeling and how to use that. Hell, her tropes page even has "Manipulative bitch" as one of her tropes. Ironically, Cassie can use her understanding of someone as a weapon of she needs to.

That's it exactly! She understands other people better than anyone else on the team. That makes her both more reluctant to hurt others — she can see where they're coming from — and better at knowing how to hurt others when given no choice. She figures out how to bring down the Yeerk Empire by giving them the morphing cube, and she most strongly opposes Jake and the others resorting to genocide in #53 - #54. She feels the most empathy for David and pushes the strongest to save him rather than letting him become a controller, and she figures out how to trap David by using his arrogance against him.

Also, isn't it funny that that same behavior is called manipulative bitch or chess master? Isn't it just wacky, that it's positive when associated with one gender and negative when associated with another? Gosh, I wonder why those tropes would ever get that terminology. It's so mysterious.

[toongrrl-blog]

Bridget Jones: In Company with Beckys and Karens

We can start with unpacking your luggage Bridget, you are gonna need the help but pull your weight into it. 

Hi Bridget, looking good as always. Long time, huh? I guess it has been awkward after I have given your husband Mark a beat down and sent roses to his first ex-wife and your ex supervisor Perpetua. I think it’s time we talk. I understand life hasn’t been easy for you: your mother is nutty and a misogynistic racist, your father is friends with pervs and found it astounding you had a real boyfriend (Colin Jones won’t escape my ire), your friends are trash frankly especially the smug marrieds, you are insecure over a body that actually isn’t really a outlier to the dominant white patriarchal standard of cis female beauty (by the way, have you heard butt implants exist now?), your jerk husband is very negging and in the original novel he “compliments” you by pulling “Not like other girls” on you and all your other boyfriends see you as a piece of ass and don’t respect you, your uncle gropes your ass for how long and his wife pesters you about your body and past singleness. 

But let’s be real Bridget: those wilderness years where you feared becoming a sad spinster were endured in a spacious apartment where your bedroom was separate from the kitchen AND the living room without a roommate (hope I get this lucky), you haven’t wanted for nothing growing up in a affluent and safe town in a single-income family (your dad was also a accountant), you were given blonde hair and blue eyes (traits that have been considered desirable for multiple millenniums), your body was always curvier than you’d like but you had no problem finding a lot of clothes in your size and didn’t have a doctor fat shame you (now smoking and drinking...), I learned from Jameela Jamil that actually Britain of your teens and twenties was a racist time, you got to go to college (granted it was in the University of Wales, which wasn’t “prestigious” enough for Daniel Cleaver) and you got a stable office job at a publishing company that you often fudged (most WOC can’t fuck up like you and thrive in this culture), and you never been in most situations where you didn’t have to look in the media or in the room and find yourself out of place. 

Well now it’s 2020, have you heard of Black Lives Matter? This shitstorm of a year has been forcing us to confront issues regarding the patriarchy, capitalism, white supremacy, putting people of privilege to question their own involvement in prejudice, and a highly militarized law enforcement. Has Mark spoke of this to you? I haven’t heard a peep from you and Helen Fielding. I must say, I was glad not to hear either you or Helen say anything transphobic (fuck off JK Rowling). I think you heard of these memes going around called “the Karen” and “the Becky”, you must be wondering what the difference between the two are and was at a loss to counsel your smug married friends or your racist ass mother crying over being called Karens. Here is the trouble, I think you are likely a Becky and have the potential to turn into a Karen, after all you dream of weaponizing your mother’s embarrassing casual racism and thin privilege against Perpetua and Mark Darcy, and you dabbled in the White Savior trope for a hot minute in Thailand (oh and playing an idealized Ivanka Trump to your mother in the 3rd film?). Also let’s face it, you are compared to every confident, capable woman in your universe (surprise they are all bitches) or the non-Anglo British or non-British conquests of Daniel or Mark’s ex wife. 

Let’s talk about the traits of a Karen and Becky and how they are related, Bridget.

Karen

Ah the Karen, or as Tv Tropes called her the “Obnoxious Entitled Housewife”. 

Here is a bullet point of traits the Karen possesses according to The Take:

She’s an entitled, middle-aged, upper or middle class, often White woman.

She mistreats those “beneath her” like wait staff and customer service, classism at it’s most in-your-face and irritating.

She follows the rules, except the part about expired coupons.

She sticks to the hierarchy, using it to prop herself up. 

Often passive-aggressive and judgmental.

She puts up the image of the perfect fragile woman, even if she instigated a crime.

Narcissistic behavior. 

She considers herself the policewoman of human behavior.

She often lacks a understanding of different races and classes.

She projects her own misery on those who cannot fight back against her.

She is often a Know Nothing Know It All.

This probably hits home Bridget, they describe your mother, Auntie Una, and smug married friends. When you look at the news from my country, you tell yourself every time they wonder about your marital status or when you will have children, you are likely keeping them from calling the police on a black kid selling cups of water. But Karen is merely the more outwardly mature version of a trope you definitely fit and her name is....

Becky

Hey Bridget, your hair may not be as shiny as you like but according to a White Supremacist structure, you have “good hair”. You dealt with your literal Beckys Bridget (hi book version Rebecca Gillies), but what “Becky” refers to is to a often ditzy, somewhat entitled, young, white woman who lacks real racial understanding. It refers to how our society props up an image of idealized white femininity, sometimes it bleeds into women not considered “ideal” themselves. 

By the way, the redhead featured is Joan Holloway. She isn’t ditzy like a Becky but her Queen Bee behaviors, her reliance on her pretty privilege, lack of racial understanding, and her adherence to femininity and social climbing make her a modern-day Becky Sharp (also an earlier Becky). 

Remember when you contemplated introducing Mark as “a middle-aged prick who was lefty by his cruel raced ex-wife”? Wasn’t that kind of racist of your Bridget? Not so different from your mother? Here are a few traits:

Becky can be oblivious to her surroundings (and the feelings of others less advantaged than she).

She usually gets away with trouble due to her idealized Anglo looks.

Willfully naïve.

Conventionally feminine.

Often spoiled. 

She and her interests are basic and mainstream (sounds like milk tray, Colin Firth binge fests, shopping, numerous garden parties).

She is often cushioned against disappointment (in the 3rd film we were all supposed to be on your side while your bitchy boss fired you for very good reasons).

Unaware of other’s needs because she is so used to things going her way.

Her ignorance can be just as frustrating and harmful as a Karen’s maliciousness.

Becky is given real growth in fiction, to learn to be better. 

The thing is Bridget....where is your character development? It seems you hardly achieve much confidence, intellect, or maturity. In the 3rd film, I was shocked you were in your forties, I thought I was looking at a overgrown teenager. Perhaps you are a victim of Flanderization?

Karen and Becky

Now we look at how bad things could get if you don’t check your privilege soon enough Bridget, yes a lot of Beckys run the risk of becoming Karens. This is Mother-Daughter pair, Nancy (daughter) and Karen (Mother) Wheeler, I put them because of the connection but they don’t fit the stereotype (despite one of them having the name) but they are privileged white women talking about their shared experiences with misogyny. And most Beckys and Karens had to deal with misogyny, both outside and internalized, the issue being they don’t see how other people had to suffer due to prejudice.

Now Bridget, with your mother, you are a Becky while she was always a Karen. That is you are ignorant about your white privilege while your mother runs on casual racism, ignorance, and Tory politics. Ask her or Mark about the race riots, ask her  and Mark about Enoch Powell. And yes Julie Bindel, a fellow compatriot of yours, complained about the Karen label but honestly it’s scary about how some of your peers chortled over racist jokes or your mother’s antics but get up in arms when people of color in service jobs call ya’ll out. But there are some Karen traits you show already, you will weaponize your place in the pecking order to beat down on another woman, like with Perpetua and Mark’s first ex-wife. 

What does this say about you?

I will be the first to admit, I would’ve jumped up and cheered if I woke up in your body. You are conventionally prettier, but lately I recognized my own points and one of them is flair and the ability to read folks. Believe it or not Bridget, you are seen as a role model and a relatable figure to folks (and your last film ran on Millennial bashing, hating on younger women is not a good look). Maybe these Zoomer teens were on to something? Bridge, they will save us, we need to do the work. 

Now maybe you can take a cue from Dr. Rawlings on how to support and critique women Bridget? In the meantime, I think if I run into you, I’ll run if I see your mother. 

Not all is lost, I see you are a reader, maybe put down the self-help books and do some self-improvement by learning how to be a better white ally. I would like to read Hood Feminism (Mikki Kendall is a delight on Twitter). Meanwhile, if you do release a 4th movie in the future: don’t release it during a U.S. election year (I have had enough right wing presidents to last my teens and twenties).  

[loudlytransparenttrash]

This Week Within Our Colleges: Part 22

Students at George Mason University spent days protesting the hiring of Brett Kavanaugh as a visiting law professor at GMU’s Law School. Some students complained to campus leaders, telling them students’ mental health is threatened by the Kavanaugh hire, despite the Law School being located 3,500 miles away from the university. “This decision has really impacted me negatively. It is affecting my mental health knowing that an abuser will be part of our faculty.” Another female student gave similar comments to the board, “As someone who has survived sexual assault three times I do not feel comfortable with someone who has sexual assault allegations like walking on campus.” A third female student told the board, “we are fighting to eradicate sexual violence on this campus. But the hiring of Kavanaugh threatens the mental well being of all survivors on this campus.” The next day, students marched around campus chanting “kick Kavanaugh off campus” and holding “cancel Kavanaugh” signs while some stuck blue tape over their mouths.

University of Colorado Denver brought back a 2016 course, “Problematizing Whiteness: Educating for Racial Justice.” Students will learn “the plight of people of color and how white people are complicit.” The course details explains, “The study of whiteness has always sought to challenge racism, racial privilege, white supremacy, and colorblind racism. However, to overindulge in the spectacle of ‘white racial epiphanies’ overlooks the ongoing work whites must do to participate in racial justice. Beyond the feel-good of momentary White racial awareness lurk enormous concerns about how to continually examine Whiteness in order to uphold antiracism, moreover the fruition of a more racially just society.” It also, understandably, tells students that recording any of the lecture is forbidden.

A State University of New York College at Old Westbury professor wrote an article which he states it makes him happy when he sees poor white people on the street begging for food and often wonders how hard he should kick them in the head. “White people begging us for food feels like justice. It feels like Afro-Futurism after America falls. It feels like a Black Nationalist wet dream. It has the feels I rarely feel, a hunger for historical vengeance satisfied so well I rub my belly.” White people, he says, are a Rorschach test: “I see in them the history of colonization, slavery and mass incarceration that makes their begging Black people for money ironic - if not insulting. You wasted your whiteness! Why should we give to you?” The professor admits that this isn’t a “good look,” however, when he thinks about Martin Luther King Jr.’s “be thy best self” and “show compassion to those who spite you,” he retorts “go f**k another secretary Martin!” 

A University of Utah student reported her business professor to campus administrators for assigning too many books written by male economists and philosophers. “Many of these figures are of great importance. But at what cost do we continue to plant the seed of sexism in the minds of individuals? But especially in a course and college that is already deemed to be a ‘boys club,’ continuing those teachings, and those teachings being delivered by a professor of his character is dangerous.” The student also took issue in her bias report about a joke the professor made about how, “while all our jobs will be taken by robots,” he will be “retired living in Tahiti surrounded by 40-45 beautiful women feeding him grapes.” The student complained, “Not only did the professor willingly and openly objectify women, but he also objectified women of color. Women of another culture.”

University of Texas at Austin freshmen were threatened to be doxed if they considered joining the Young Conservatives of Texas or Turning Point USA. “Hey #UT23! Do you wanna be famous? If you join YCT or Turning Point USA, you just might be. Your name and more could end up on an article like one of these,” the tweet said, linking to previous doxing posts of conservative students at the school. “So be sure to make smart choices at #UTOrientation.” They went on to encourage other students, “if you begin to spot the young racists trying to join YCT or TPUSA, send us a tip so we can keep our reports up to date.” The anarchist student network have already released extensive personal information of pro-Brett Kavanaugh demonstrators at UT Austin, including their names, photos and contact information. It went so far as to post some of the phone numbers of the employers of students and urged them to be fired.

Webster University offered its white faculty and staff a chance to “witness their whiteness” in a program that seeks to eliminate racism. According to the event description, Witnessing Whiteness is about “white people voluntarily coming together to do work around racism in a supportive, non-threatening setting.” It’s also about “learning to speak about race and racism, exploring white privilege, and practicing allying with sisters and brothers of color.” White attendees also were taught how to commit to positive change in their lives, workplace and region and understand and practice interrupting racism and developing skills to act as agents of change.

University of North Georgia hosted several "safe zone trainings" to make the school a “safer, more inclusive environment for members of the LGBTQ+ community.” Students were given handouts which featured a ‘gender unicorn’ cartoon and encouraged attendees to use “LGBTQ-Inclusive Language” by giving them a list of “Dos and Don'ts.” They asked students to not use words such as “mailman” and “ladies and gentlemen” or phrases such as “both genders” and “opposite sexes,” instead suggesting that they use “all genders.” Attendees were also shown a YouTube video from Franchesca Ramsey called “5 Tips For Being An Ally,” which instructed them to understand their privilege.

Middlebury College were forced to soothe upset and angry students after Polish conservative scholar and politician Ryszard Legutko was invited to speak on campus about totalitarian temptations within liberal democracies. Ironically, the school canceled the lecture just hours beforehand after some students complained, then later held a reflection meeting with the student protestors, where administrators told them, “I hear you, and you should be outraged, and we should acknowledge that and apologize, because that’s the least we can do right now, because we can’t make it right in the moment. But in the future we will do everything we can to make it right.” As the safe space meeting was going on, unbeknown to the protesters, a political science professor allowed Legutko to be ushered into his classroom and address students in secrecy. 

At University of Texas at Austin, a pro-life speaker’s event was disrupted after someone set off a smoke bomb, triggering the building’s fire alarm and forcing attendees to be evacuated. The event went forward in another building.

A Canadian University of New Brunswick professor said he is in favor of taking a variety of actions against “white supremacists” who speak on campus, including publicly shaming them, firing them from their jobs and driving them from restaurants. What’s concerning about this is the professor’s definition of white supremacists. He said the "Make America Great Again" hats will carry the same shame as the uniforms worn by the Ku Klux Klan. “Every time I watch a documentary about the civil rights movement and all the hateful violence they faced, I wonder what the white people who were doing those horrible things were thinking... We are living in an era with Donald Trump and the Republican Party and the right-wing movement in America where things of similar gravity are happening. The entire sentiment of 'Make America Great Again' implies that there was a time when America was great and it's not any longer... America for Trump and his supporters is no longer great because black people have too many rights or there are too many women in the workplace."

A City University of New York professor was interviewed on radio where she stated the “ideology of racialized terrorism” is the responsibility of every white person in the United States. She criticized America for building "mental health hospital beds for white home-grown terrorists, but concentration camps and high-level security prisons for Black, and Black and Brown immigrants.” She goes on to wonder why we pay tribute every September 11 to “the pillars of American capitalism,” but never to “the young Black and Brown” victims. She also claims she's suffered in capitalist America after being designated a “other, non-white" on her arrival into the country and "white America has damned this democracy into the hands of white terrorists.” 

A University of Arizona student live-streamed herself on Facebook harassing two Border Patrol agents who were giving a lecture to Criminal Justice students. The female student stood near the door of the room, zooming in on the officers repeatedly while calling them murderers and saying they were an extension of the KKK on campus. “They allow murderers to be on campus where I pay to be here. Murderers!” In the second part of the video, the student follows the Border Patrol agents to their vehicle, repeating the phrase “Murder Patrol!” and also yelling at them in Spanish. At the end of the video, she films a protest apparently against the appearance of the officers. The student also launched into a rant about the “white woman” who attempted to talk to her. 

Gonzaga University’s Women and Gender Studies and Native American Studies departments hosted a screening and discussion about Disney’s film, Moana, titled, "Is Moana about rape?" According to the flyer, the professor behind the lesson discussed how Western patriarchy and masculinity attack “the feminine,” indigenous cultures, and the environment and nature. “Layne will ultimately also suggest that the film is Neocolonialist. It excuses Western culture from oppressing women, degrading the environment and erasing/murdering indigenous people,” the flyer says. It also came with a trigger warning, stating that racism, sexual assault, genocide and colonialism will be addressed.

Tufts University decided to remove a historical mural after students complained that the paintings depicting only white people eroded the school’s commitment to diversity and inclusion. The Alumnae Lounge mural, which depicts “the great names of men” of the school’s history, does not include “a single image of a person of color" which has lead students to complain that “they don’t want to receive awards in Alumnae Lounge because they feel excluded.” Tufts Senior Vice President said. “We want to attract a diversity of people to the university. But no less important, when they arrive, we want them to feel they belong here.” Tufts Africana Center Director applauded the decision, saying “the murals create an unwelcoming space for current students of color.”

Also at Gozaga University, an assistant professor wrote an op-ed where he blasted one of his white law students and accused him of deliberate “racial antagonism” because the student wore a MAGA hat to class. Without naming the student, the assistant professor wrote, “From my perspective as a black man living in the increasingly polarized political climate that is America, MAGA is an undeniable symbol of white supremacy and hatred toward certain nonwhite groups. I was unsure whether the student was directing a hateful message toward me or if he merely lacked decorum and was oblivious to how his hat might be interpreted by his black law professor. I presumed it was the former. As the student sat there directly in front of me, his shiny red MAGA hat was like a siren spewing derogatory racial obscenities at me for the duration of the one hour and fifteen-minute class. As my blood boiled inwardly, I jokingly told the student, ‘I like your hat.’ Without missing a beat, the student mockingly grinned from ear to ear and said, ‘Thank you.’” The professor concluded by arguing that “‘making America great again’ suggests a return to the days when women and people of color were denied access to these very institutions.”

A George Mason University assistant professor took to Twitter to ask white parents across America: “Why are you producing so many young white male terrorists?” “What is going on in your households? How involved are you with your sons? Are you missing signs their racism is filtering out of commonplace household racism into ‘I want to murder strangers’ racism?” She followed up with a reply to the white parents declaring their devotion to making sure their child isn’t a white terrorist, “I appreciate the testimonials of white parents doing the work of raising anti racist children. You give me a bit of hope.” 

The University of Michigan revamped its already transgender-friendly student health plan to include more services on top of sex-change operations. The school already covers mastectomies, genital surgeries, hormone therapy and counseling for transgender students. These plans now also accommodate “facial feminization surgeries,” as well as facial hair removal and “Adam’s apple reduction.” Another addition is “fertility preservation” for transgender students whose transition efforts result in infertility.

A Massachusetts school superintendent told a community audience that white people in our “systematically corrupt system that oppresses black individuals” need to “rewire their brains” in order to overcome their biases. The Pittsfield Public Schools chief (who is white) also blasted Trump, blaming the president's “daily hate” for the rise in racism and hatred on a national level. The event was planned to announce the implementation of African American history courses in local high schools. The course will delve into African American oppression and plans on stopping the normalization of seeing “black people being beaten on TV.” A teacher who worked on the curricula design at the schools said her eyes had been opened after participating in implicit bias training and reading the book "Waking Up White." 

Hofstra University students protested a statue of Thomas Jefferson at an annual event, titled “Jefferson Has Gotta Go!” which was co-organized by local Planned Parenthood staff. For the past few years, students have defaced the statue with “DECOLONIZE” and “Black Lives Matter” in an attempt to pressure the university president to join the long list of schools removing or covering up “traumatizing” statues and artwork. So far, the statue remains. 

An academic conference in Toronto focused on “Critical Becky Studies,” with multiple professors and faculty from American universities participating. “This session aims to characterize ‘Becky,’ a term specific to white women who engage whiteness, often in gendered ways,” the session description states. “Explorations of Becky and implications of educational practice from a variety of perspectives and contexts will illuminate the dynamics of power, privilege, and oppression tied to the gendered and raced mechanisms of whiteness enacted by Becky,” says the session description. Another paper discussed in the panel was titled “Border Becky: Exploring White Women's Emotionality, Ignorance, and Investment in Whiteness.” According to the description, the paper focuses on white women who must undergo a battle in order to extract themselves “from the white supremacist alliance.” 

At University of South Dakota, a planned ‘Hawaiian Day’ themed event had to be changed to ‘Beach Day,’ due to a cultural appropriation complaint from a single student. The student group planning the party were told to make the name change and to ban handing out leis as it violates the school's policy on inclusiveness. The group posted, “It was determined that these (leis) are culturally insensitive by the administration after doing research based off of the essay written by the initial complainant.” 

Williams College student activists demanded the Board of Trustees "commit to a complete process of reparation and reconciliation to indigenous peoples." The open letter states, “Many junior faculty of color are considering medical leave due to the unmitigating stress of living in an unsupportive and callous environment and to avoid the emotional detriment of existing here.” The students then demanded a “complete process of reparation and reconciliation” to the indigenous peoples, “approve a request of $34,000 as well as the increase of $15,000 additional funding for incoming Minority Coalition groups.” ”Offer free weekend shuttles for faculty and staff" and provide separate housing for black and queer students, as well as for all other marginalized groups. Lastly, “hire more therapists, especially trans and racial minority therapists.”

Dominican University in California has added a new major, wholly focused on social justice. The school created the major after a “growing number” of students became interested in social justice “careers,” according to the university news release. Students who major in social justice will have the chance to “examine the links between well-being, social justice, and diverse worldviews.” Additionally, students will “analyze social injustices and work toward positive social change.”

The State University of New York-Plattsburgh offered students the chance to de-stress with therapy donkeys during their Wellness Fair. 

[crimsonrevolt]

Congratulations Taylor you’ve been accepted to Crimson Revolt as Daisy Hookum!

↳ please refer to our character checklist

Taylor lovely, your applications are always so full of beautiful characterizations and complexities (as is your writing in general) that it is a joy to get them and read through everything you provide! I adored Daisy from when you first played her in the rp and it’s so wonderful to think about having her back on the dash and to see you explore her character further! We can’t wait to see what you do with her and how she’s going to change as the war progresses! 

application beneath the cut (tw: Death)

OUT OF CHARACTER

INTRODUCTION

It’s Taylor! Currently 18 and residing in the midwest, in good ol’ CST and using female pronouns.

ACTIVITY

Er – well, currently around a six or seven out of ten, weekly? I have real life responsibilities of course, and dearest Marlene, but I try to generate about four replies weekly. Of course this depends on circumstance but for the most part I can stay caught up with little issue.

TRIGGERS

*removed for privacy

HOW DID YOU FIND US?

Originally, I think it was somewhere in an Andromeda Black tag way back in December. But I’ve been here nearly a year now!

WHAT HARRY POTTER CHARACTER DO YOU IDENTIFY WITH MOST?

Okay, don’t judge, and I’m sure this isn’t a great surprise but - Draco. I’ve been immensely attached to him for years now, for a variety of reasons, and I just have a lot of feelings. But also, Harry and Ron as well - for a very recurring theme we don’t need to get into, just know I love them all very much.

ANYTHING ELSE?

Nothing that wouldn’t absolutely just be my singing praise, which really I do enough as it is.

IN CHARACTER

DESIRED CHARACTER

Daisy Grace Hookum.

Her mother, Jocelyn, was a Muggle with a deep fondness for The Great Gatsby, and chose to name her only child accordingly. However, Daisy’s middle name was a hopeful sort of gesture from her parents, a suggestion and prayer that she would grow up to be eloquent and beautiful in all forms throughout her life.

FACE CLAIM

Katherine McNamara will always be my first choice for Miss Daisy.

REASON FOR CHOSEN CHARACTER

I tried.  I really, really tried to bid her ado, to tuck her away and move on but it’s proven impossible. Daisy is, and will always be, my first love, a part of me that is unshakable  - it’s that easy.

And oh man, oh man. How do I even begin to describe the deep rooted love and affection I hold for Daisy Hookum? She was my first character in CRT, and the first character in a Marauders rp that I truly fell in love with. I had dabbled with others before of course, but none enough that truly struck the way that Daisy did. She was the first character I understood without fault, that I could question and push and she would push back – I grew so much as a writer during my time with her and I know she has so much more to teach me.

She’s such a gentle, kind soul. Raised to have courage and be kind in all strokes of life, Daisy strives to do exactly that; she’s incapable of hate, because there has never been any reason for it. Even after the traumatic, devastating murder of her parents in the new year, Daisy cannot bring herself to hate the Death Eaters. Then again – she doesn’t know what truly caused such a horrendous crime to take place. If she did, it is completely possible that the tables would be turned, but well, she doesn’t. That in itself is an incredibly important facet to her personality, to her humanity; at nineteen to be faced with such a brutal loss is a hardship that I, thank the heavens, have never had to personally experience. To be so young and in the midst of way, to feel so wholly alone must be terrifying. It takes a toll on even the brightest rays of sunshine, which Daisy truly is.

But trauma is not all there is to a person, and there is a love and passion for the written word that was instilled into Daisy by her mother by such an incredibly young age that it is not just a passion, it is a very important facet of who she is. While she doesn’t believe her writing to be any good, it is her safe space, therapy from the world.

Her place in Aversio is one that is to be questioned. She doesn’t get her hands dirty, nor does she truly condone the things that they do – but she’s frightened of the Order. That is what it comes down to, the true reason she never joined. Members of the Order are brave, willing to take risks, be hurt. And while Aversio is very similar, they’re a bit more reckless, and therefore she is more capable of being hidden in the shadows. It has nothing to do with cowardice, it’s fear. Fear that she isn’t a good enough witch, not strong enough to hold her own, not magically, not emotionally. The self doubt is crippling.

But she’s strong, oh lord, is she strong. She has the temper of a red-head, even if it is very seldom seen to the naked eye. Very often Daisy hides her emotions, buries them in fear of becoming too much for someone to handle. But there is nothing she does not feel so strongly that it sometimes pains her in the most powerful of ways. Sometimes it feels as if she may combust with the pressure of it all. Especially now, with the loss of her parents. Moreso than anything else, Daisy is predominately lost now. Protecting her mother was her sole intent behind every motive, in the war, in life. And without her here, Daisy isn’t entirely sure where she stands; a typical teenage emotion, in a much more mature version of life.

There are so many layers to this character, things I still discover now, even after having parted with her. I love her with all of my heart and would be so grateful to write her beautiful mind again.

PREFERRED SHIPS // CHARACTER SEXUALITY // GENDER & PRONOUNS

Sexuality is not something Daisy thinks of, per se, for no reason other than it truly just makes her uncomfortable. Wildly unfamiliar with her own body and personal preferences, the concept of sex isn’t something that bodes well. Never having explored sexual experiences in the past, Daisy often considers the idea as something her body has now become incapable of such acts. However that aside, Daisy is truly demisexual. It takes true emotional connection to become sexually attracted to anyone, but Daisy isn’t convinced she’s ever experienced as much. But this does not specify female/male preference; when it comes down to it, Daisy sees people. That’s all.

Okay. Let me preface this by saying that Daisy views gender primarily on a spectrum more than anything else. There are those who identify as men, as women, and then a very broad area gray shades in the middle. She, predominately, is genderfluid but generally uses female pronouns. This is in part due to the time; they/them pronouns were not widely used in the 70s, and Daisy is not all that aware of her true gender identity. This meaning, Daisy goes between feeling predominantly feminine to out of place in her female body, almost uncomfortably so, almost as if she would feel better to be detached from the sex she was born with. It is something that confuses her greatly, that she does not very often think of - well, that she admits to - but it is always present in some way or form. Whether she knows it or not.

CREATE ONE (OR MORE!) OF THE FOLLOWING FOR YOUR CHARACTER:

Oh boy, oh boy.

Aesthetic1

Aesthetic2

Mock Blog

Pinterest Board

Caring (adjective) - displaying kindness and concern for others; there is not a bone in Daisy’s body that is not built on love. It is almost impossible for her first reaction to anyone to not care more about them and how they are doing, no matter what is going on in her own life. Daisy just wants others to be happy, and okay. Her heart is truly too big for her body, so much that it sometimes feels as if she might die from the weight of it all. Especially, and almost exclusively, when she is suffering - or if someone she cares for is.

Imaginative (adjective) - having or showing creativity and inventiveness; from the earliest days of the capabilities, Daisy has been writing. Creating ideas that simply won’t stay within her head, things that must be released onto paper. They strike at any moment and very rarely do they ever leave her be until the moment comes that she can release and truly do something with them. Otherwise they tend to circle through her mind like a carousel or broken record, repeating and growing, until something is done with them.

Timid (adjective) - showing a lack of courage or confidence; hoo boy, if there ever was a hamartia. A very prominent problem with Daisy is the fact that she doesn’t understand how strong she truly is. If she would only tap into her grief and pain, and true abilities more than just being ordinary Daisy could truly be extraordinary. She already is of course, but too afraid of rejection and criticism to realize it’s so close to her fingertips, so easy to reach out and grip. Daisy has a particularly hard time understanding that in the midst of war, especially, softness is strength. There is too much fear, too much self doubt that it is crippling at times, but so deeply embedded into the very core of being.

Reserved (adjective) - slow to reveal emotion or opinions; really, it all goes back to Daisy’s strong, innate desire to please others. It takes a very specific person for Daisy to feel safe enough to express opinion without fear of being shut down - so few of these exist they can be counted on one hand, and even fewer than truly see her angry.  It comes down to fear, and feeling safe. She had it once, at home. But with the loss of her mother and father it has become even more scarce than before, if possible. She puts others first, always, no matter how many times she is told not to.

Unsteady - X Ambassador Hold onto me ‘Cause I’m a little unsteady

Moondust - Jaymes Young I long to hear your voice But still  I make the choice To burn my love In the moondust

Jack and Jill - Katie Herzig She wore that dress Like it was a Saturday Pretty as a summer rose Picked in the morning Time ticked away, the way That it will

Turn it Off - Paramore I scraped my knees while I was praying And found a demon in my safest haven, seems like The tragedy, it seems unending I’m watching everyone I looked up to break and bending We’re taking shortcuts and false solutions Just to come out the hero

Beauty Queen - Ben’s Brother And her eyes shouldn’t have Blurred my vision I know that she, oh she Was a beauty queen And if you’re gonna cry Don’t cry for me

If You Could See Me Now - The Script (for her parents, rip) I’m trying to make you proud Do everything you did I hope you’re up there with God Saying ‘that’s my kid!’ Would you stand in disgrace or take a bow Oh, if you could see me now

IN CHARACTER QUESTIONNAIRE

♔ If you were able to invent one spell, potion, or charm, what would it do, what would you use it for or how would you use it? Feel free to name it: “Something to…help see what the most likely outcome of a situation would be.” Daisy said, a small nod of certainty following the words after a moment of quiet consideration. A moment to really think about it. “I have absolutely no idea what I could possibly name that, but it would be quite helpful.”

♔ You have to venture deep into the Forbidden Forest one night. Pick one other character and one object (muggle or magical), besides your wand, that you’d want with you: “Oh, that’s easy. Andromeda, and a flashlight. A bit of bravery, something to provide a vast amount of light. And then I would just have to hope Andy would know a spell to help keep us shielded.”

♔ What kinds of decisions are the most difficult for you to make? “The kind where someone could get hurt. Which I guess are…a lot of decisions these days.”

♔ What is one thing you would never want said about you? “That I…that I’m a failure,” it caught in her throat, the words. Thick and painful, almost like swallowing a cauldron cake whole. “Especially to Dora. I don’t think I could take it.”

WRITING SAMPLE

Warning: this is an old para I wrote for Daisy and for this case, I must prepare for the angst monster that exists in terms of Taylor.

Things had felt wrong all day. New Year’s Eve had come to pass, and Daisy couldn’t help the dread that swarmed in the pit of her stomach. It should have been expected, really – what with the events of the previous evening. The witch had yet to hear from any of her friends, to find that they were okay. But still…something felt off.

It had been the first holiday season Daisy had spent with no contact to her family. As horrible and painful as it was, the decision had felt like a necessity. She had spent months fighting her father. Begging him to help her master Fidelius, to protect her mother, only to be told no, again and again. If only she thought she could do it on her own, she would have…but she couldn’t.

Christmas and New Year’s had been increasingly lonely. Most of it had been spent in her tiny apartment with her cat, or at Aversio meetings, trying to remind herself why she had entered a place in the war in the first place.

Perhaps the loneliness was what left her waking up on the first of the new year with such a hollow ache in her chest. Or maybe it was the fact that now marked two months since she had returned home, had any contact with her parents at all. The truth of it was, Merlin, did she miss her mother. Her gentle eyes, and warm heart and the way she seemed to just calm the realities of what was happening.

Hours seemed to pass, simply sitting in her bed, frowning to herself, tiny grey kitten mewing quietly in her lap. Snow drifted down outside the window, cheerful chattering echoing up from the streets as London emerged into a new year. Once the afternoon sun shifted in the sky, only then did Daisy realized she had wasted so much of the day…realized that she still had yet to hear from her friends.

Impulse took over, blinding her, accompanied only by the desperate need she had to be in Jocelyn Hookum’s embrace again. To be promised that everything would be okay, if only for a moment – to be with her mother.  Preparing best she could, Daisy soon Apparated to her family’s home.

The house was still - just enough that Daisy hesitated on the doorstep, unsure of if either her mother or father were truly home. Regardless, she allowed herself in, stepping carefully through the house, unease spreading over her. Even in the January afternoon, the house was dark. It was still.

As she reached the sitting room, the dread, the unease she’d felt for months and even through the morning had nothing on the agony that replaced it all. There, lying on the floor, paled and cold, was her mother. A devastated scream burst from Daisy’s lungs, ringing out so badly that all else seemed to have faded away. There was nothing to give her the indication that she was still moving.

Her small frame dropped down next to her mother’s corpse, tears flooding out of her green eyes at such a speed that it was nearly impossible to see. Breathing had all but ceased. Several pained moments of sobbing later, she finally noticed her father, crumpled dead only feet away.

“No,” she cried, incapable of thought, of anything but just pain as she remained on the ground, desperately wishing for it all to be a cruel nightmare, knowing that there was no waking up.

[the-sapphire-general]

50 Random Facts About Me

1. I know I mentioned this in a previous post I made, but I might as well bring it here. Rouge the Bat is one of my favorite female Sonic character (with Cream being another character I love because bunnies are cute!). I always liked her. She knows what she wants, she's independent, and she's the reason why I gradually became interested in gems in the first place. Too bad I can never get any real ones. XD Too expensive. And contrary to popular (yet misguided belief), she's not oversexualized or objectified. Since when were her assets emphasized? Never. Sure she's sexy, but that's not a bad thing if handled correctly. One, Sega treats her as an individual just like everybody else in the Sonic games, and two, Sonic the Hedgehog is a series for all ages. If you want fan service (hopefully not too much), you won't find any in this franchise.

2. I am very emotional. It's not something I don't usually share because sometimes I can be ashamed of it, but it's true. I'm so emotional, which can range to being rather temperamental (especially if I'm not in a good mood), or being prone to crying when others yell at me. Not always, might I add. It just depends on how much they yell, what the reason is, or who the person is, which can be painful if it's a friend, a family member, or my boyfriend. I hold back my tears often, and not just when others yell at me, because I don't like crying in public. It makes me feel humiliated and it makes me feel that nobody will care if I cry, so I can be rather cold sometimes in real life. Well not cold, but calm and collected, which I am not when I'm emotionally overwhelmed. I've gotten better at controlling my emotions, but I am bound to lose it depending on the circumstances.

3. Most girls wear make-up and get dolled up and stuff, but I don't do that. I don't shop for tons of clothes for hours, and make-up is something I rarely wear, and I mean extremely rare. However, I am not a hardcore tomboy. I do like feminine stuff, so I'm between a girly girl and a tomboy, but being at a clothing store for endless hours and having to dress up all the time annoys and bores me. My family gave up convincing me to do those things because they finally got the message to just let me be myself, and they accepted me for who I am, much to my relief. I don't believe all men focus on looks first, which I can tell is the primary reason appearance is emphasized for women, even if it irritates me due to those beliefs causing my insecurities as I got older. It's also a reason why I loathe beauty pageants. Not all men focus on a woman's looks. My boyfriend didn't. He focused more on my personality. Fun fact: I haven't watched the entire Naruto series since I started it not too long ago, but he compared me to Hinata Hyuuga! From what I've seen in the anime so far, she's cute! :D She reminds me of myself. Damn, I am so shy. lol Anyway, back to the topic. Sure, I do dress up sometimes, but it's not a requirement. It doesn't help that a former friend even forced me to be super girly, and I wound up defying her. That didn't go well, and the friendship ended partly for that reason. She didn't get the message that I can't be changed by pushing me into doing things. Girls come in different shapes and sizes, so just let them be and shut up. lol

4. This is more of a confession than a simple random fact, but as a Crash Bandicoot fan, people probably think I completed the original trilogy 100%. Okay, I hate to admit this, but I never reached 100% completion on all of them. Crash Bandicoot and Cortex Strikes Back yes, but I never reached 100% (or 105%) in Warped. Back then, I was a coward who didn't want to face the challenge so I never bothered to collect everything...until now. In Crash N. Sane Trilogy, I have completed Warped 100%/105% this time. The relics were a pain, especially getting the first batch platinum relics (which I gave up and pursed gold relics), but I did it!

5. A silly fact, but this is one @cellarhapsodos will enjoy reading because she's the friend I should thank for introducing me to one of the latest video game villains in the Final Fantasy franchise. Ardyn Izunia from Final Fantasy 15. It's an amusing story. Months before FF15, I heard of him and saw a few pictures of him online. The main villain wasn't revealed at the time, but I assumed if Ardyn was the one that was claimed to beat all the previous villains before him, I would hate him. lol I know, it's stupid! As a Sephiroth fan, I found it threatening that Square Enix was trying to outdo Sephiroth. I don't give a shit about Kefka, but Sephiroth???? I haven't played a lot of Final Fantasy, so I don't know about the other villains except for their names like Kefka, Seymour, Kuja, Ultimecia, Caius, etc., but that's not the point. I'm such a Sephiroth fangirl! Anyway, fast forward to after FF15 was released, and my friend fell in love with Ardyn. Now that I knew Ardyn was the real villain, I hated him. Yeah, stupid I know, but I didn't like him despite that I didn't play the game. I had plans to buy it to actually play a Final Fantasy game as opposed to how I got into Final Fantasy 7, but I couldn't get it because I couldn't afford it at the time. So a few months passed after its release, but before I actually played it, for some reason Ardyn started to catch my attention. I acted all irritated and stuff, but the growing curiosity grew as time passed. I started to find him attractive, much to my dismay. Being shallow about it, I didn't want to like him because of Sephiroth. But in time, I surrendered to my growing feelings, which rose higher as I played the game and got to know him. I knew a little bit about him before starting it thanks to my friend considering how much she loves him to the point of roleplaying as him. So you can see how my feelings started to grow even before I started the game. His personality captured my attention, and I fell in love hard! Just like with Sephiroth, I couldn't stop thinking about him, and after finishing the game not too long ago, I can call myself an official Ardyn fan. So to sum it up, I hated Ardyn but helplessly fell in love with him. As for Ardyn beating Sephiroth by popularity, I won't like it if he did beat him. I don't even know whether or not he did. Should it even matter? I mean, it doesn't mean Ardyn beat Sephiroth in my book. I won't start hating Sephiroth. I love him too much to let him go. I even noticed that Sephiroth was inspiration for Ardyn. How could I not? The wing on his arm gave it away, they both wear black, and they are both tragic characters. lol So thank you so much @cellarhapsodos for introducing me to this sexy man of no consequence.

6. Speaking of Final Fantasy villains, my boyfriend introduced me to Sephiroth. Love at first sight struck! When I heard his voice for the first time ever, my heart fluttered like crazy. No, it wasn't Lance Bass' take on Sephiroth, and to be honest, I don't like that one. So thank goodness George Newbern took over. Anyway, I fell madly in love with Sephiroth, and did everything I could to get to know him better. I admit I got more than I bargained for, and my boyfriend was right when he told me the exact same thing. He and his friends took note of how he's my polar opposite. Correction, he's my NEAR polar opposite. They fail to see it, but Sephiroth and I do have some things in common. We're calm and collected (when not overwhelmed), intelligent, and quiet. We keep our emotions to ourselves as best as possible, can come off as cold to others, and have a few friends but they are close friends (well, Sephiroth had friends). We're both misunderstood to an extent. Others saw Sephiroth as just a cold and distant man before he became insane, so I can relate. People think I'm cold and distant until they get to know me, and it kind of hurts when they assume that or other things about me. Sephiroth is also an outcast because of what he said in Crisis Core about how he always knew he was different. That hit me hard because I feel like an outcast too, even within my own group of friends. Now he doesn't think that way anymore after the Nibelheim Incident took place. Or does he still think that way but in secret? I don't know. Finally, we were both betrayed by certain people. I was only betrayed by one, but even that managed to feel like tons of people betrayed me, so Sephiroth and I know who our "traitors" are and we hate them. Though in Sephiroth's case, it applies to those who didn't even do anything to him, but whatever. I still can't believe my real-life friends fail to see that we aren't complete polar opposites.. And I think one of them doesn't see me being paired with Sephiroth because he suggested Vincent Valentine would be a better match, which annoyed me. Vincent is pretty cool and he is another crush that I have, but Sephiroth is the fictional Final Fantasy man I love. Opposites attract! :3

7. I HATE matchmaking! This is from a past experience back in high school when my former friend decided to play matchmaker. Unfortunately, she tried to match me up with a guy who was already in a relationship. I was furious, and I wasn't sure whether or not she did it on purpose or that she didn't know, but either way she acted like a bitch when I called her out on it, another reason why our friendship died. I wound up hating matchmaking ever since because I didn't trust anyone to pair me up with someone anymore. And also because I don't enjoy people pairing me up with someone of their choice. I met my boyfriend and chose him on my own. It's my relationship, not theirs.

8. I am a feminist. Regarding this, I wish to get this off my chest. I can't stand how people have twisted feminism. Now I get that everyone has their own definition of feminism and what it means to them, but I don't like some of the things that are said. If a female character falls in love, it's bad. If they like girly stuff, it's bad. If they dress sexy, it's bad. If they get captured, it's bad. Getting captured doesn't have to necessarily be bad. As long as they aren't only known as damsels-in-distress, then they are fine. Okay, I like Princess Peach, but if you play the games besides the ones where she gets captured, she can be pretty cool. I also heard she's amazing in the old Mario comics!  

Oh! Speaking of damsels-in-distress, here's this link:

https://www.reddit.com/r/KotakuInAction/comments/2p41oh/did_you_know_the_damsel_in_distress_trope_has_a/

I know this may be debatable, but it got me thinking that tropes can be used correctly and not come off as bad. However, that doesn't mean I'll be making all my female characters damsels-in-distress! lol However, I don’t mind the trope now after watching this video:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_rLfENrnsoQ&index=5&list=PLIYmMkCOWcQf7IN0x7iijVvZ-P5ZIm0xn&t

Anyway, not all female characters have to be absolute badasses who can fight, use weapons, or beat the crap out of enemies with their physical prowess. Whatever happened to writing interesting female characters? A strong female character means a well-written character, not just a woman who is physically strong and able to fight. What, so all female characters have to be physically strong, never get into trouble, not be girly, and never fall in love to be approved? Come on! >_< There's more to a female character than that. Women come in all shapes and sizes, with different personalities, flaws, backstories, and looks, which also includes sexy women. It's okay for a woman to be sexy, just as long as their assets aren't the only focus of their character. And what is wrong with falling in love? Yes, women don't need men to be happy, but what if a woman wants a man? Wanting a man and needing a man are two different things. In addition, what if a woman is NOT heterosexual? Is it still bad for an LGBTQ+ woman to fall in love? Not all female characters are involved in a love story, by the way, but I don't have a problem if love is involved. Romance novels are something that I love so much, for example. *sigh* One of my friends was right about the controversies regarding the dark side of feminism, and I blame the feminazis. I still consider myself a feminist, nevertheless. The point is I am more open when it comes to this sort of thing, but that doesn't mean I don't have limits regarding how women are portrayed. I have my own definition of feminism, so I'll just leave it at that.

9. I am a chocoholic! I just can't resist not having chocolate often, and I eat anything with chocolate more than other types of sweets. Don't get me wrong, I love sweets in general, but anything that contains chocolate is what I will automatically choose to eat. lol Except for Lindt's chili-flavored chocolate. I hate spicy foods, so that's the only kind of chocolatey treat I will not eat.

10. I used to be uncomfortable with doing shippings that involve my fictional crushes. I say "used to be" because it's not the case anymore...sort of. I guess you can say jealousy got in the way, or because I hate the shippings that include my favorite guys, but little by little, I'm warming up to it. For example, in private roleplays, I roleplayed as Sephiroth and he was in a relationship with another female character (won't say her name), and another roleplay was about him being with Ardyn. Yes, Ardyn Izunia! And to be honest, I have fun with those pairings. That doesn't mean I'll do whatever shipping. No way am I ever doing SonAmy! I'm sorry, but picturing myself doing a roleplay of that pairing makes me cringe. It's my least favorite Sonic shipping (next to Sonadow), and I have several more shippings from other games, shows, etc. that I hate as well. I'm taking baby steps, but I'll always have my personal limits regarding shippings. It doesn't mean I'm willing to allow shippings in my character blogs. I might change my mind but who knows.

11. I must confess this. I hate constructive criticism. Back then, I was horrible at taking it, and I have improved a lot over the years, but I still hate constructive criticism today. I know I shouldn't take it personally, but it does hurt. I can't help it. In my poetry class, everyone had to read their poems during workshops where groups of people had to listen and give feedback to each other's poems. At first I was doing okay until one of my poems received a lot of constructive criticism. One specific poem received it the most, and to me it felt like my poem was shot down. The reason it hurt a lot is because that particular poem means a lot to me. They weren't being mean, but it still bothered me. If I had chosen another poem I had for that day, it would have hurt worse because "Angel of Darkness" is even more personal. It's a love poem that I never took to any of the workshops in class. I just couldn't do it. I revised it myself instead because I wanted to make sure it stayed true to my feelings. As for the poem I took to class, my friend reviewed the same poem but I managed to handle her comments better. She was honest, but I took it better than the comments I received in class. I did learn from the feedback, however. I still struggle to not take things like this personally, but I'm trying my best to change that.

12. I was accused of cheating on a test back in elementary school. It was a ridiculous incident! Being the confused and innocent twelve-year-old, I didn't know why the teacher thought I cheated. I know better than to sneak a glance at another student's test, and when I told her I didn't cheat, she didn't listen. Even the other students agreed that I didn't cheat, but she didn't listen to them either. She then told me that she wanted to talk to my parents the next day. I was angry about the false accusation. Not once did I ever cheat my whole life, yet she believed it and even told a few more teachers, humiliating me in the process. I didn't even bother to tell my parents because I didn't do anything. There's a thing called studying. I didn't cheat, I studied for the test. What's weird is on the next day, the teacher wasn't there to ask me if I told my parents she wanted to talk to them. In fact, I never saw her again. I don't know why she did it. Maybe she hated me, I don't know. But it was uncalled for and it hurt.. Damn bitch. Hopefully she got busted over the lie and that's why she never came back. I bet she got fired for it.

13. A few years back, there were a couple of times I wondered what it would be like if I were male instead of female. I was just curious, but someone thought that I was secretly transgender, which annoyed me. It was just curiosity. I never said I wanted to change my gender or felt like I was meant to be born male. I am happy to be a female. Sheesh, people's assumptions vex me.

14. My favorite YouTube channels are Kelly Eden, HorrorStudio1, Cute Mario Bros, AnimeBroMii, JcentsignLProduction, Markiplier, Capitalist, Jacksepticeye, and Nathan Sharp. Kelly is all about cuteness and I just love watching her videos. Plus, she loves Sephiroth too! :D And for CMB and AnimeBroMii, I adore plush videos! I find them entertaining, and I don't care if others find it weird. I find them cute and fun! But SuperMarioLogan is a channel I hate, though. I don't like all plush channels. JcentsignLProduction, Markiplier, Capitalist, and Jacksepticeye make me laugh hard! XD They are hilarious and worth watching to cheer me up! And Nathan...Need I say more??? He is an amazing singer! Oh my gosh, so hot! He also sings for Sephiroth, or "Sephy", in the "Big Bad Bosses" music videos "I'm The Boss" and "Angel".

15. All my life, I've had people who bullied me for no reason. To name one, I once knew a girl in first grade that hated me for no real reason. She was snobbish, vain, and just plain rude. I think she was jealous of me because she only picked on me, or maybe she was a bully to anyone. She stopped suddenly when I told my mom about it, and the bullying never happened again. I get that people can get jealous of others. I get jealous myself, but I won't bully them because of that.

16. Is it weird that I used to be threatened by my boyfriend's gaming skills? When we met, I witnessed how he owned his friends in Super Smash Bros. Brawl. My jealousy grew when I found out he's a master at Sonic games. His friend confirmed that he played all of them. As a Sonic fan, I felt threatened and jealous. Of course, I never thought of myself as a master at Sonic games, but it made me envy him. I had the stupid assumption that I wasn't good enough, but in time I got over it and realized I'm a great gamer regardless of whether or not I perform flawless gaming sessions or ones where I make mistakes and struggle to achieve my goals.

17. My favorite childhood cartoons are Foster's Home for Imaginary Friends, Yin Yang Yo!, Atomic Betty, Ed, Edd, and Eddy, Samurai Jack (which finally got the proper ending it deserved in May 2017. I'll miss that show.), Jackie Chan Adventures, Xiaolin Showdown, Winx Club (4kids version. Seasons 1-3. Future seasons after that are terrible.), Justice League (and Unlimited), The Powerpuff Girls (original version), Fairly OddParents (only seasons 1-9), and Kim Possible. Now that I think about it, not a lot of cartoons have been good in recent years. But I do enjoy some of the current shows and have a glimmer of hope with a an upcoming one, the DuckTales reboot. I watched several episodes of the original since my brothers grew up watching it, although I never watched the whole series. The series premiere was so cool! Adventure Time and Steven Universe are the best shows on Cartoon Network, and I'm going to miss AT very much when it's over in 2018. I hope SU still lasts a little longer. There's too many unanswered questions and still more to cover! The other current shows I like but have to catch up on are Star vs The Forces of Evil, The Amazing World of Gumball, and The Loud House. I used to watch Regular Show, but I abandoned it because it just didn't seem good to me anymore. I found CJ annoying and she's partially the reason why I stopped. I thought of her as rather abusive in a way. Glad Mordecai never married her. Oh! And I can never forget to include Sonic Boom on my list of shows I currently like and watch. It's my favorite show on CN because hello! I'm a Sonic fan! :D I even have a favorite phrase from an episode: "Faster!! Faster!!! FASTER!!! DO IT!!!"

18. My favorite anime are Sonic X (yeah deal with it, it's been part of my childhood), Black Butler, Pretty Cure, Future Diary, Descendants of Darkness, Devil May Cry, Space Dandy, Kirby: Right Back At Ya!, and Inuyasha. I'll try out new anime and return to Death Note soon because I never finished that one. No, I'm not watching the live-action movie they made. They butchered it far too much, and I'm better off watching something that's worth my time.

19. I like Bubsy Bobcat. Yes, this is a controversial fact, and I'm aware of it. I'm pretty much a new fan. I got his first two games on Steam a long time ago and thanks to the idea of installing Windows on my Mac, I managed to start playing them recently. I can see why people hate it, but I can't seem to hate it myself. Sure I died over twenty times in just the first level, for example, but I still persevere. It's mainly because I'm accepting the challenge in video games, even if there's challenge from beginning to end. Lol However, like everybody else, I HATE Bubsy 3D. And yes, I'm going to buy Bubsy: The Woolies Strike Back. Don't try to stop me! XD

20. One of my middle school teachers used to be one of my favorites back in 7th grade. Then it all went downhill when he vanished. I was confused at first until it was discovered that...I honestly can't remember. He was either a pedophile or he owned child pornography. Maybe both since...yeeeeeeah. He went to jail for who knows how long, and the news was all over school. It was a shock! He seemed like a nice guy who wasn't overly strict compared to most of the teachers. It just goes to show that you can't judge a book by its cover. It still shakes me up to this day remembering that.

21. I was accused of being a lesbian several times throughout middle school. Just like with the time someone assumed I was transgender, I was irritated. They simply assumed that just because I didn't date any guys often. One, I'm not a whore. Two, I wasn't that determined to find a guy at the time. And three, guys didn't notice me at all! So when I started longing for romance, it was hard to get attention from a guy. They either turned out to be cruel, homosexual, taken, or uninterested. You have no idea how many times I got friend zoned, and it hurt every single time! :( So yeah. I get sick of stupid assumptions like this. >_< I'm not a lesbian because I'm not always dating. Correction, I'm bisexual. People really need to not jump to conclusions and think for once. I hardly dated at all because guys never noticed me until today. I have a boyfriend now, so I just proved them wrong. And no, just because I'm bisexual doesn't mean I'm confused or will act promiscuous by dating a woman while in my relationship or do threesomes or whatever dumb stereotype that's associated with bisexuality.

22. My top 5 favorite colors are below and they each have their own individual reasons:

5. Red-Violet

Red-Violet is a recent color I grew to love. You can thank Ardyn Izunia for adding his hair color on the list. It's pretty irresistible, and I wish I could dye my hair that color. XD People would start calling me Ardyn!

4. Light Blue

Light blue, a pastel version of the classic blue, is a cute color I adore and it's one of my favorites out of all the thousands of shades of blue.

3. Yellow

Originally my second favorite color, yellow is one that I adore very much, so it's nonetheless on a high rank. The color of happiness and joy, it's pretty obvious how much I love it. :)

2. Black

I was always indifferent to black until I met my boyfriend. He loves black, and surprisingly he got me into black myself. That's why it's highly ranked, and thanks to Sephiroth from FF7, it reached the second spot.

1. Blue

Blue has been my favorite color for nearly 14 years (and still counting), and it will always be my most favorite color. It's mainly because of Sonic the Hedgehog that my original favorite color pink was replaced by blue and because blue is just a great color. :D Blue rules!

23. Besides bunnies, I love all kinds of animals, but my favorite ones are hedgehogs, bats, birds, cats, and chinchillas. I find all of them cute! I always loved them, but bats are a recent addition after my friend and I did a roleplay of an alternate universe where Vincent Valentine can turn into a small, fluffy black bat. I just found Bat Vincent adorable, and so I started to like bats. And one of my FF7 characters wound up having pet bats too.

24. I have a fear of doing anything in front of an audience. Like singing. I like to sing, and not a lot of people know about it, not even my own family because I never sing in public. I did sing for my boyfriend twice, but those were very rare. I always sing in private due to my fear. Stage fright. Even thinking about singing for an audience terrifies me. I'm starting to think this is a phobia because one time I had to read poems for my class, and I was extremely nervous. I was a wreck all morning, even after class was over. My hands were trembling a little, I felt nauseous so I barely ate anything before class, and my heart beat faster once I stood in front of the whole class. Just having everyone watching me made me feel worse, it's a miracle I didn't just dash out of class and head back home. I wanted to run, but I didn't. I honestly can't do anything for an audience because of that. I get nervous, insecure, frightened, and it's just nerve-wracking. Next time I'll just make sure not to do that sort of thing. It's not worth it.

25. Like all Sonic fans, I know about Sonichu. I knew for a long time, but I never actually looked up the comic. Ever. It wasn't until I found it on a YouTube channel called CorruptedGamingShow. Those videos were a roller coaster ride. Unoriginal, unimaginative, inconsistent, downright ridiculous and disturbing, and many other things that the comic is but there's an infinite amount to list, I see why it's notorious in the Sonic fandom. I pretty much watched every single video of the guys reading this comic, and if it wasn't for their commentary, I wouldn't have made it past the first video. Also, I watched the series twice, so either I go back to them because I love the guys who host the channel or I'm secretly a masochist but I just don't know it yet. XD Oh, and I do know about an infamous comic by AkaiDalia. I may have gone through Sonichu twice, but I didn't say I was crazy to go over her content. Her fan art is enough to make me want to get brain bleach. >_<

26. Aside from chocolate, my favorite foods are chicken, ice cream, cheesecake, jelly beans, apples, tacos, and McDonald's Sausage Egg and Cheese McGriddles and Big Breakfasts. And Denny's amazing breakfast dishes! Yeah! As for my favorite beverages, they are HI-C, lemonade, Kool-Aid, Vitamin Water, Powerade, and Gatorade.

27. My favorite video games of all time are Sonic Colors, Sonic Generations, Final Fantasy 7, Final Fantasy 15, Crash N. Sane Trilogy, Super Mario Galaxy 1 and 2, Kirby Mass Attack, Undertale, Crash Team Racing, Crash Bash, Devil May Cry 4, and Sonic and All-Stars Racing Transformed. Of course, the list is subject to change as I check out other games, from ones I haven't tried yet to upcoming ones that will be released in the future. :D Like Sonic Forces! I just know it will be a new favorite of mine! My character Sorina will join the resistance. My baby is all grown up! Lol

28. My birthstone is the topaz. Actually November has two. The citrine. :3 I have two birthstones!

29. This is a pretty fun fact. I didn't get into Devil May Cry until a while later after I saw a single copy of the HD Collection of the first three games for PS3. Every time I went to the store, it was just sitting there. I was curious whenever I saw it because of Dante (whom I didn't know by name yet), but I never got the game until I finally bought it after a month. Lol It was worth spending $20! Coincidentally, I discovered my boyfriend likes Devil May Cry as well. We got closer than ever! :D We are at odds because of our favorite characters. I love Dante while he likes Vergil, and finds him more powerful than Dante and blah blah blah. Dante still kicked his butt. Though I can't say the same about me beating my boyfriend when we challenged each other in Marvel vs Capcom. He pulverized me as Vergil!

30. I love Disney movies! Many people do, but I wanted to say that. It's part of my childhood, and I adore Disney princesses. :3 My favorite Disney movies are Mulan, Frozen, and Moana, and my favorite characters are Mulan, Elsa, Anna, Moana (they are the heroines in my favorite movies lol), basically all the Disney Princesses, Gaston, Kronk, and Yzma.

31. Everyone knows me as the kind and sweet woman with a love for anything cute and adorable, has a love for video games, is crazy about men (real or fictional), and is both a girly girl and a tomboy. But even I have my dark side, so if someone dares to provoke me in any way or those I care about in a way I don't like, I assure you they will regret it. If someone tries to mess with me or my friends and family, that idiot is out of here. Treat me with kindness and respect, or don't talk to me at all. lol Okay I got dark for a second! My apologies.

32. Sonic and Sephiroth are my role models since I consider them as my two sides. Sonic represents my kind, selfless, and friendly side as I do my best to put others ahead of myself. And I have a personal desire to become a hero somehow. Sephiroth represents my hidden dark side whenever I am in a very, very bad mood and my temper, and I can be too serious sometimes. And I can be cruel to those I hate, which fortunately are no longer in my life but I still loathe them. lol No I do not hate humanity, so no need to run! Sonic and Sephiroth are two of my favorite characters, and I love them very much.

33. I cosplayed once back in high school. Due to the bad memories that followed that involved my former friend, I don't have pictures, but I cosplayed as Sebastian Michaelis from Black Butler. I never cosplayed again because of her, but if I were to cosplay again, my would-be choices are Sonic the Hedgehog (Sonic the Hedgehog), Sephiroth (FF7), Dante (Devil May Cry), Princess Peach and Princess Rosalina (Mario), Ardyn Izunia (FF15), Nine Asfel (Last Rebellion), Coco Bandicoot (Crash Bandicoot), Kairi and Axel (Kingdom Hearts), Mettaton (Undertale), Yuno Gasai (Future Diary), and L (Death Note).

34. Last Rebellion is one of the games that I like and own, regardless of the poor reviews. I don't love it the way it is exactly, but I do see the potential it could have had if it were handled better. It's a game for the PS3, and I think it's very rare nowadays. I first rented it on GameFly and I admit it's not an excellent game, but I do like some parts of it. I frequently imagine what could have been rather than what actually was, and the game is a bit of a guilty pleasure.

35. Several of my pet peeves include hypocrisy, others accusing me of things that are blatantly false, people mocking Sonic and Sephiroth right in front of my face, people mocking me (who wouldn't tolerate that?), control freaks, and being forced into doing things. The more someone tries to make me, say, dress provocatively, the more I rebel. True story. I was almost forced by others who wanted to give me a makeover. Sorry, but tops that are far too revealing, micro miniskirts, high heel sandals, and fake breasts aren't my thing. I want to be a beautiful woman, not a hooker.

36. My favorite book series that isn't a romance series is "Daughters of the Moon". I read them way back in high school. The series is about four teenage girls named Vanessa, Catty, Serena, and Jimena (Tiana later becomes the fifth girl) as they discover that they are goddesses, Daughters of the Moon, and must fight against evil. I won't say anything else just in case you guys want to check out the series. I honestly recommend it.. I remember how I was deeply immersed throughout all thirteen books. Also, check out the Lunar Chronicles! I finished reading the first book, "Cinder", and it's an amazing twist to Cinderella. The other books in the series include other fairy tale characters that get the Chronicles treatment. Looking forward to reading those!

37. I have a few quirks, one being that I adjust my glasses whenever I'm nervous or timid. Another quirk I have is I like to give my Sonic plushie when I'm alone in my room. Yes, I have a crush on Sonic the Hedgehog! He's been my main crush since I was a kid.  >.< Please don't judge me! My next quirk is common, I bite my nails when I'm nervous. Lately I've been improving on that because I want to start painting them.

38. I have several fears/phobias. Besides stage fright, I'm afraid of spiders (or any bug except for butterflies), heights, water (can't swim), sharp objects, and humiliating myself in public. Spiders scare the crap out of me and I can't even hold a sharp item such as a knife without feeling scared that I might accidentally stab myself and others.  

39. I'm torn over whether or not I want to have children (but lately I'm leaning more towards not having any after learning more about the process of pregnancy and so on), but IF I were to have kids, I already got names. For a boy, I would choose Dante, and for a girl, Sorina, after my Sonic character. If I had more than one or two, the other names I like are Crystalline, Christopher, Zack, Alister, Jason, Emma, Aria, and Jewel.

40. Getting out of my comfort zone isn't easy for me. Some of my friends are aware of this, and although I am trying my best on this, it's still not easy. I don't try things often because I just don't want to try them or I don't know if I'll like them or I'm just nervous. I did a few times, and I wound up hating Indiana Jones, Lord of the Rings, and soap operas. I would rather get out of my comfort zone at my own pace, and being forced to do things just makes it difficult. I've gotten into trouble with my former friend over this, and she didn't understand that forcing me to try things isn't what friends do. I'm not saying I'm extremely stubborn. I will try things if others recommend them. The keyword is "recommend", as in suggest them but don't drag me into them. I'll give things a chance if I want, which is what I did with LOTR, but in the end watching most of the trilogy was boring. Those who are fans of the books/movies, I'm truly sorry, but it's just not my thing. Not even Harry Potter, which was something I tried out of pure curiosity, and I was bored throughout the entire first movie. So please, let me expand my experiences at my own pace and respect that I may not like certain things. ^^; It isn't fun being forced into doing something, or else I just won't enjoy whatever it is I'm told to try.

41. I almost became a fan of the Fifty Shades of Grey trilogy. I bought the first book after hearing that it's an erotic romance (and I'm such a kinky woman >//////<). But then I realized the abusive themes going on during the first book. I never finished it, and I got rid of the book after reading the reviews about them, and they gave me more information about the abuse between the two characters. I can't stand abuse, and I hated realizing I wasted over $10 on that kind of book. Fifty Shades of Abuse? No thank you. >.> I'll stick with Debbie Macomber's romance novels. Or any romance novel that has actual well-written romance and not toxic relationships. Basically anything but FSOG and Twilight!42. I'm going to mention Sephiroth again, but believe it or not, he's the one who got me interested in psychology a few years back. It was at a point where I wanted to get inside his head, which I can say must have been a precursor to my eventual desire to create my own Sephiroth blog. :D I took a few psychology classes to learn more about the subject, and Criminal Personalities was my favorite one, mainly because it involved the mention of criminals. We had to do a paper where we had to diagnose a criminal, either a real person or a fictional character, with one of the ten personality disorders to show how much we understood what we covered during class as opposed to actually believing the person/character actually has a disorder. I obviously chose Sephiroth for my paper, and I got an A. An A! I have never felt so happy in my entire life when it comes to this! I never got an A on a paper (I always kept getting B's or C's), so this meant a lot to me. I still have my paper online. If you're curious, I wrote that Sephiroth has the potential to have either Antisocial Personality Disorder or Schizoid Personality Disorder. But due to missing criteria considering how much of his backstory pre-Crisis Core is still vague to an extent, either diagnosis is considered unlikely. So yeah. Sephiroth got me an A! XD I also noticed some people have assumed Sephiroth may or may not have autism, but I don't know. Random fact: Even Sonic is assumed to have ADHD, but again I'm not certain. What do you think? To be honest, even if Sonic and Sephiroth actually have ADHD and autism, respectively, it won't change how I feel about them. I'll still love them. Same with L from Death Note if he's autistic. And any character that's believed to have some type of disorder. Personally, I don't see these headcanons as my own about these characters, but I respect those who do have them.

43. My favorite singers are Selena (may she rest in peace, she died so young ;_;), Bentley Jones, Hilary Duff, Ellie Goulding, and Gackt. Selena is obvious, her music was fantastic! My favorite song of hers is "I Could Fall In Love". Bentley Jones sings several Sonic songs, and my favorite song is "So Much More". Hilary Duff is a childhood singer I just adore, and I went to one of her concerts! My favoite songs from her are "I Am", "Rock This World", and "All About Me". I consider "I Am" to be my theme song. It just seems to fit me. Ellie Goulding is a singer I love, and she sings my most favorite love song of all time, "Love Me Like You Do". Gackt is my first favorite Jpop singer, and oh gosh, his voice is hot! Favorite song: "Vanilla". I would say why, but the translation of the lyrics will explain my reasons better. *blush*

44. My favorite numbers are 1 and 100. Despite my feelings of being an outcast, to me the number 1 means there is only one of me. Everybody is unique and I am beginning to accept that about myself and not feel like I don't fit in anywhere. It's still a long journey, but in time I won't feel like an outcast anymore. As for 100, I just like big numbers, and that one is my favorite of them all.

45. My nickname that my family calls me is Bunny. Another nickname I gave to myself is Jan. I love bunnies, so the first nickname is self-explanatory. lol Jan is short for my name, Janice, and it sounds cool in my opinion.

46. I was once paired up with someone in class as part of an assignment. Each pair had to create a PowerPoint of a band and present it later (and you know presentations give me major anxiety). Unlike everybody else, I didn't get a say on the subject because the stupid teacher didn't talk to me about it. I was absent when the assignment was revealed, and she didn't even talk to me about it and let my partner choose the band, which went against the other pairs that were free to talk about which band to write about and present. It also didn't help that as my freshman year of high school continued, the teacher kept giving me a bad time (even deliberately giving me average to bad grades despite doing very well in class). I have a feeling she hated me or she was racist considering that I stood out from the rest of class. I was bullied countless time by a bunch of jackasses, and the teacher did NOTHING to stop it. Hmph. Bitch.

47. I don't drink soda. No really, I don't like any kind of soda, or any kind of beverage with gas. The gas irritates me, the feeling of the gas in my mouth just annoys me, so I stay away from any fizzy beverages. Although Mountain Dew is an exception after my boyfriend introduced me to a certain kind. But other than that, no soda for me. I'll stick with my Kool-Aid, lemonade, Gatorade, basically any beverage that doesn't have gas.

48. Recently I found out that Phil Hartman died back in 1998. Okay, I never knew him outside of the movie "Jingle All the Way", but I NEVER knew he was murdered by his third wife. Ever. I found out in July when I was on YouTube and watched a video about video game mascots that got canceled for messed up reasons. One of them was Blasto, a character that was voiced by Phil Hartman, whose series never made it past the first game after the tragic death of his voice actor. I know I wondered why he never showed up in movies again, but I didn't expect this. I've watched an entire playthrough of Blasto, and I admit he was a real good actor. It's sad that he died so soon.

49. I've had a YouTube channel for years, and I didn't do much on it until now with my first ever video game playthrough, Final Fantasy 15. It's still technically ongoing due to upcoming DLC and I'm going to do post-game stuff for sure, I swear! >.< I've been busy but it will happen. So yeah, FF15 started it all on my channel and it's fun to play games and upload the videos online. More playthroughs are on the way, so FF15 and Crash N. Sane Trilogy are currently my only ones, the latter also ongoing because I have yet to collect the relics for Crash 1 and 2. I'll do it hopefully in a month. Wish me luck!

50. Finally, the last thing about me is I see Sonic the Hedgehog as my hero. Ever since I was a kid, when I first watched Sonic X, I took an instant liking to him. As time went on, I began to idolize him and to be honest, he's the reason why I managed to endure such tough times growing up. I admired to the point the where I wanted to be more like him, and despite what others have said, I succeeded. I was an entirely different person way back then, and Sonic made me into the woman I am today.

I'll make a post about Sonic and how much he influenced me and so forth because I'm aware that this post you have been reading is long enough! Thank you Kelly for inspiring me to do this! You rock! :D If I make a second part of this sort of thing, I’ll make sure to not add too much. I got pretty passionate on a lot of these.

[derangedroyalfae]

Dear family (a “coming out” letter about my transition journey)

Since I could remember, when my child brain could grasp the concept of going to these events for myself, I wanted to wear a tuxedo to my prom and to my wedding. 

It might have started shortly before puberty hit, but I had a huge phase right up until my sophomore or junior year of high school where I detested anything that was girly: ruffles, lace, frills, PINK, reds, skirts, dresses. Don’t get me wrong, I still hate pink, but the other things eventually grew on me when I saw what potential they had. I desperately wanted to wear boy uniforms more than the girl ones when I began private school, but knew I had to settle. 

I remember as a child wanting to play with the boys, I wanted to be their friend and even had a good year and half where I was, but when I lost them to my bully, I thought I could settle for the girls. Something strangely didn’t click when I saw things from a different perspective. We could confide in each other because our parts were physically the same, but I had a hard time seeing eye-to-eye. I suppose the same could be said about boys as well. 

I never knew there were words for it or even a possibility outside of cartoons and anime, but my own stories began to fill up with diverse characters in regards to sexuality and gender long before I had a grasp of my own. “This character can be either gender, sometimes they’re both.” “This character doesn’t have a gender.” Don’t get me started on when I began to create characters representing different aspects of myself and how diverse those people were whilst still baring resemblance to me. 

I never knew. I was too young to slap on a label or knew labels existed and pertained to me. I never knew I had a lot of thoughts that most “little girls” actually didn’t have, especially in private and in my dreams. And whilst I’ll be the first to say: “clothes know no gender,” I can admit that I never knew what they could do to help me feel more like myself in regards to such a topic. I knew I had a hard time feeling content in the role I was playing, but never knew how to say it or if I should. There has ALWAYS been a dual aspect to me, I’ve always loved dual aspects: black and white, angel and demon, half and half, sweet and sour, hyper and mature, sweet and headstrong, masculine and feminine, etc and so-on. 

One day, somewhere around early to midway 2015, during my freshman year of college, I turned to research on the topic of gender. I hadn’t been meaning to look for myself, it was purely for my books and curiosity, but I dare say, lines had began to form around dots. At this point and time, I was well aware and accepting to the idea of transgender people, but hadn’t truly suspected that I could fall under such a category. But then I saw that there was more than the binary of male and female, be you trans or cis. Non-binary. Genderqueer. Genderfluid. Agender (though I knew about this one in high school). There was a whole realm of possibilities, and I felt myself, for once, belonging. I didn’t know anyone else who was one of these, but I clearly wasn’t alone in this identity or it wouldn’t exist. I didn’t instantly slap that patch on, however, and I certainly wasn’t sure about going public with it right away. But I had at least one person I confided in, and they, in turn, confided in me about their own gender dysphoria. If you haven’t figured it out, I am talking about my dear friend, Jewel. I also did tell at least one of my sisters and another member of the family. 

Jewel and I, on the other hand, did go into great detail with each other when we talked about what we could possibly want from physical transitioning. It wasn’t enough to just slap on a label and dress the part. No. That was not just for me, it’d be for everyone else to see the spectacle. The aspects and changes I wanted to do to my body, those were undoubtedly for me. No one else would see or be affected by them, save for my future partner. I immediately said that my uterus had to go. Hysterectomy has been a tab on my phone since my freshman year along side a penile implant. I looked up the different ways it could be done, and if I did indeed want to have bottom surgery, I knew what my options were. I don’t hate being female, I don’t even dislike being female, but it was never about that. It’s not like that. I just never felt like I truly was one and that I could never be happy tying to fit in that role. 

Before the semester was up, I freely and openly identified as gender fluid and was fairly certain where I wanted to go from there. It was time for a test run. I even changed my gender and pronouns on Facebook and other social media (and they’ve remained constant these past five years). I would wear and buy men’s clothes more frequently (as no one would buy them for me and now I was capable of doing it myself) and even would bind my chest and pack a sock where a penis ought to be. I would take snippets of my hair and turn it into facial hair, applying it on with spirit gum and trying to look as accurately as I could. I even came up with a masculine name in the next semester. But it had to be perfect and constructed like ~Maiden~ was. I wanted to still keep my middle name, so I had to be a male Fae. ~Names~ my list consisted of Irish boy names translating over to lord or king. Eventually I realized how perfect ~Li'l King~ was and I owned my place as the “Little King of the Fairies.” How perfect. I was short for a girl and now even shorter of a boy, so little king I was. Since we were living in the North County, most people were generally pretty accepting and chill about it all, especially my peers and classmates. But I never knew how to come out to my family. I reminded myself this was a test run, so perhaps I didn’t really need to say until things got serious. I was worried of being looked down upon and being seen as trying to be trendy or complicated. I wasn’t trying to be special or different, I was just trying to be me. I didn’t know how to explain what I was going through and how I felt, so I felt silence was better. I didn’t know if the older generation would get it, especially when I hear them talk about it on the radio of how they see us. How easy it’s always been to come out about my sexuality, but my gender? Now that was mortifying for seem reason. 

Five years passed, and I never felt wrong or wavering about my identity. I felt more sure of it by the day. I did the research off and on and talked to those who had been doing much better with their lives once they started transition and could finally be themselves both physically and mentally. 

So come August 2018, I decided I was ready to start hormone replacement therapy (HRT). I was tired of applying a beard, I wanted to grow one. I was tired of forcing down my voice and accidentally squeaking to my normal range, I wanted a drop. I was tired of constantly having people look at my face and see me as a female when I clearly wasn’t dressed like one or wanted to be seen as one. When I read that T (testosterone) could negatively affect my cholesterol, I got back on vitamins and tried to maintain it once again. On September 13, 2018 I made an appointment with my primary care, ready to tell her the news. I was told by my fellow trans friends that all they did was go to their primary, tell them they were ready for HRT, got handed a consent form, got their labs done, and voila! I fasted and took a 3hr bus ride from one city to another, paid my $30 copay, brought with me HRT consent forms, and poured out my feelings to this doctor, thinking she was the one person who could help me here. What a joke. “There’s nothing in your files stating you’ve felt this way.” Well, yes, but that’s because I wanted to stop being depressed before I went and did something “drastic.” I’ve waited five years, surely this can’t be seen as an impulse. “Go talk to your psychiatrist.” That’s it? I paid $30, took public transport for 3hrs for a car trip that was less than half an hour, starved myself this morning FOR THAT? I was actually so incredibly crushed. She pretty much told me that she didn’t know what she was doing so I was on my own defenses. She was willing to sign off on referrals, but it would be my responsibility to send them her way. ALRIGHT. Fine. I can do that. 

That same day, I made my psychiatry appointment (though my psychiatrist was on maternity leave so it would be my substitute) and messaged my doctor: 

“I have made an appointment with my psychiatrist for this Monday and been looking into the Endocrinologist with Sutter Health and my insurance in general. I've also been looking at my options for what kind of medical testosterone I'd prefer using, such as AndroGel or Androderm. I just thought I would update you on that and will have my psychiatrist send you any and all possible information as soon as possible regarding this. 

I also wanted to make sure that you were aware that at the moment I am only interested in the hormone part of sex reassignment and not anything to do with any surgical procedures. I am only looking into Hormone Replacement Therapy and have been for at least five years now. 

Thank you for your time toady, I hope to talk to you or an Endocrinologist about this in the near future.”

In case you didn’t know, you ONLY need to talk to a psychiatrist in regards to surgery, not hormones. 

Looking back on the rest of my journey, it feels like a joke that I honestly thought I could trust her to help me. I went to the psychiatrist as I was instructed, and when she took me into her office and noticed the book I was reading “Trans Minds Trans Bodies” she immediately recognized it and told me what a good book it was - there was a glimmer of hope. She asked me the standard questions you’re supposed to when diagnosing someone with gender dysphoria, and of course, o get the label. She felt as though her hands were just a bit tied, as she was not my actual psychiatrist, but she was determined to help me. She looked up the closest hospitals and facilities (all in the North County, go figure) that could help me and wrote down lists of contacts. Immediately she grabbed consent forms for sharing my information and told me that I could contact her for further help. 

I sent this new info to my doctor, hoping she’d follow through with making those referrals as she said she would. I found an endocrinologist at the hospital ma was committed to (you all remember that place, right?) that specialized in HRT who was the closest to us. It was part of Sutter Health so I immediately jumped at the chance to make an appointment with her. How was I to get there aside train, however? Hummingbird and Kitty has my back, both of them putting in a request for the day off. My appointment was made for a Friday on the 30th of November. I told myself this was my fallback, however. I discovered that a North county university offered video and phone appointments, so I wouldn’t even need to go there. I could still get my labs done here and they could send me the prescription. They even took our insurance. All I needed was my primary to refer me. 

But she wasn’t the one contacting me anyone. Every time I tried to message her, it was an office staff who responded, saying that my “request was received, and requires review” from her. I even called my insurance to see if anything was happening in regards to the referrals being sent in. “You need to contact you medical group.” Alright??? So then this baloney of back-and-forth tug-o-war with our insurance and medical group began. “Submit your request to this number” but somehow was the same number I had given them. I was completely out of it for what the hell was going on half the time. It was loops and circles and mazes. Why was it so hard for specifically me?

I even made an appointment with my actual psychiatrist when she came back from maternity leave and asked if she could give me the prescription. She said that she sadly couldn’t, but would do whatever it took to help. She gave me a consent form for sharing information and her business card to give to the endocrinologist. I gave the information for the hospital and the specialist and we went from there. 

I eventually let go the frustration of the North county university, I at least had my November appointment. Well, a week before it was supposed to be, they called me up to push it back another week, so December 7 was the new day. Fortunately, Hummingbird and Kitty could still make it. However, the day or two before, the medical group called and told me “insurance isn’t going to cover this since it’s not the same medical group.” What? But Sutter Health??? “Your Sutter G, this is Sutter E. I’m sorry, you’ll have to pay $150.” FINE. It was a small price to pay to be myself. Whatever it took, is take it. 

It felt a shame that the three of us make our way to the North County for just one little appointment that wouldn’t even be half an hour, so I made plans to meet up with my old friends, Jewel and Usdi, and let them meet my two newer partners.

On Thanksgiving, I came out to any friends and classmates that I want to be officially known as ~Li'l King~ (in fact, I had began introducing myself that way to strangers). I’ve also comes to terms that I want to legally change my name to ~Maiden~-~Li'l King~ Shea Rodenborn, but want to go by ~Li'l King~. Time for a double life. I love ~Maiden~ and the Maiden of the Fairies too much to let go of it, it’s a part of my identity. But I truly have come to a point where I hate being called ~Maiden~ and it actually makes me feel depressed. Even being called aunt is tearing at me. Every time I refer to myself as ~Maiden~, aunt, she, her, miss, I feel my skin crawl. I just have such a huge disconnect and it tugs at my heartstrings in a painful way. I know, it’s hard to get it and can easily be seen as something that was planted in my head, but how can it be when it feels so sincere?

And so, the week after thanksgiving, I went to spend the night at the girls’ place on Thursday so we could leave as soon as possible Friday morning. We made our way out and I was more than beyond ready once again. I knew this doctor wouldn’t try to slight me, but I was nervous since almost everything had been on my own. Whenever chaos hit, I was alone and the only witness. I didn’t want that again. So as a precaution, I asked my girlfriends to sit in with me at the appointment. This endocrinologist gave me the olive branch I was so desperately seeking out. She didn’t have any issues with prescribing me HRT, especially after going through the procedure of diagnosing me with gender dysphoria again. She informed me on everything that could happen with getting on testosterone, the risks, the procedures, the symptoms, but it was all stiff I knew at that point in time. I told her I wanted to try androderm first and my second choice was androgel, since I wasn’t found of the idea of having to put a shot in my butt once a week (the butt part wasn’t what bothered me, it was having to get shots). “I’ll have to see you again in three months.” But I don’t think I can afford to come back if I have to pay $150 again (I hopefully would have my license in March). I began to meekly tell her of the storm I had faced with insurance and my medical group, even if how I called up my insurance the day before to find out one specific insurance and the other weren’t the same thing. “But I’m honestly the closest specialist to you, they HAVE to cover it.” Tell them that. They saw I was looking for an endocrinologist. They don’t have a section for specialist in transgender hormone replacement therapy. She saw the pain and frustration in my eyes, just how beyond done I was, and said that she’d take care of contacting my insurance for me. She sent me on my way and requested for me to do a blood test, which I got done the next day in a nearby city. 

I had checked my medication list and androderm was officially on it. I hadn’t remember the last time I felt so elated. Maybe a well later, I received a letter from the insurance saying that they’re denying Androderm because I should try Androgel first. My endocrinologist was immediately on top of this and let me know that she would send in the request for Androgel. So on December 14th the pharmacy called me to let me know it was ready, and on the 15th picked up my first bottle/pump of liquid testosterone. On December 16th (which can now be known as my Transiversary), I slabbed on my first dosage of andorgel.

Spring 2019 semester, I submitted a form to have my name changed with the school so I appear as ~Li'l King~ to the teachers and faculty. 

I’m still me. I’m less upset about being me, but I’m still me. This isn’t a bad thing, and it was never to hurt anyone. I always hide my “he/him” pronoun badge whenever I see you guys because I didn’t want to confuse you. I know it was secretive and behind people’s back, but it’s because I know how much of a pushover I am. I know how easily I cave in and feel guilty over the most trivial of things. I didn’t know how anyone would react, and I didn’t know if anyone would try to stop me. Tell me it isn’t something I should focus on. And so, it felt less like betrayal if I just didn’t tell you guys as opposed to telling you guys, you guys saying not to do it, and then me doing it anyway. But it really shouldn’t even be in the same playing field with such thoughts. How can something that’s not truly harmful to my physical well being but salvation to my mental well being be seen as betrayal to anyone else. I guess, I was scared of betraying myself too. Though, if we’re being honest, at the end of the day I also didn’t want to be bombarded with questions. I was hoping I could just tell you and you’d accept, no more to be said. 

I know I’m the youngest, I’m often seen as immature and uneducated, and maybe you’re all right in seeing me that way. But I want you all to know: THIS WAS NOT AN IMPULSE. This wasn’t something I did to be “hip” and be down with the times. No one else could have convinced me to do this. I’ve never met a transgendered person who would wish this upon anyone and try to convince someone they’re trans. I WOULDN’T WISH THIS ON ANYONE. I wouldn’t wish being queer of sexuality or gender on anyone because it’s harder than you think. There’s nothing fun or trendy about this. It’s not cute or happy fun times. I am honestly living my life in fear of being hurt for being myself, especially since I live in East County instead of the North County. But I’ve come to terms that I’d rather die being myself than have to live a messy lie where I wouldn’t feel like I was even alive, so I’d rather die. I’d try to change, I’d try to be like everyone else: but it doesn’t work that way. Please understand, that I this isn’t what you hear about on the radio. This is real and true and ME. 

[lorainelaneyblog]

You might argue that, assumed victimhood aside, white men are legitimately more jealous of black men than white women are of Asian women. This would be because the most dominant men are among blacks, while the least submissive women are among Asians.

‘Say this,’ says God. ‘The most submissive women, we have said in this very blog, are among black women. There is, arguably, again, no place for race jumping, and the blacks know this better than other races because of high sexual intelligence. As my new messiah, people are very interested in the moral certitudes of Loraine Laney, and, it is true, her suffering at the loss of white men in Vancouver, since she had to stay in town because of her cloying parents, was so profound, that she could think only of revenge, and two years after the start of her pursuit of 50 Cent, she realized the immorality of what she had done. Race by race, women’s victimhood is consistent. In the overall scheme of race, victimhood among Asians, because of body size and not fundamental submission, which Loraine had wrong in her book, is worse, which, and this she had right, makes them more desirable in marriage, the sum of this is emotional vulnerability due to victimhood, especially in light of race jumping, as Loraine refers to it in Bros Before Hos The Equality Apocalypse.’

‘What about the Chinese men?’

‘There was a theoretical shift which emerged out of this.’

‘Which was what?’ says President Trump. ‘What about their small penises.’ 

‘They came crawling back,’ says a Chinese man. 

‘They did,’ says God. ‘And Loraine was one hundred percent right, on a small piece of paper that she ripped out of her journal, and they didn’t laugh, the cops, that it was bitter, because they had lost the white women, who, with their fat thighs went running out of town.’

‘Where did they go?’

‘To the ‘burbs to get used by construction workers, who had no intention of settling down, ever, because they were still in the closet as bisexuals, Loraine.’

‘Oh, I see.’

‘Oh, I see,’ says President Trump.

‘I think men took it in directions that I couldn’t even foresee.’

‘Why?’ says President Trump.

'I don’t understand why they’re standing down though.’

‘Because they realized that women were suffering more, and they felt validated as men without war. This is no small thing you have done, Loraine, and I have been teasing you a little about your small moralities, and you are right, women may want to--’

‘He’s wrong. Men want the submissives and women want the dominants, but they can’t, they can’t, they can’t, have them, not only because they don’t desire the same sexual activities, but because the sexual intellect is too disparate. And [ ], Loraine, is a perfect example of this, he just could. not. see. that the women he was in love with had big eyes, he couldn’t.’

‘But why, though?’ says President Trump. ‘She says men know women’s sexuality better than women know their own.’

‘And they do. And men like [ ], Loraine would argue, are rare, rare as the dodo bird, because they are not suspicious enough, and he was suspicious of Loraine, but mostly because he had been hearing for some years that his wife was a tennis star.’

‘Why doesn’t he leave her? Write what the Chinese did for me, Loraine, please.’

‘We have covered this and covered this, and I hate to belabor it, and I didn’t even want to suggest it, in case I wronged the little Chinese girls.’

‘But you did.’

‘The police stole it, and--’

‘Oh my God.’

‘--disseminated it among the Chinese police officers who were so happy, they wanted to die, die, Loraine, die, because they could not, for the life of them, figure out why Chinese women did not want them anymore.’

‘They thought they would right a wrong in their own way, and ended up doing the white men with lame old monogamy which the whites decided on to, no doubt, escape female promiscuity.’

‘That is what they did. And it seemed the better deal, and it was, for the women, but not, not, not, not, not, not, for the men,’ says God. ‘Without sex after marriage, they could never, never, never, catch up, never. And they didn’t even realize the numbers they were dealing with, they didn’t, Loraine, massive numbers, much more than you, she overcharged, and they don’t, they are natural business people, and Loraine was both resentful, self protective, and a natural idiot when it came to business.’

‘Why? The business one. Your Dad and your grandpa’s were salesmen, what gives?’

‘There were no lessons,’ says Dad. ‘We went to work and came home, and did not, ever, think to teach a girl about business. I had no idea she was struggling, I did, joking, I thought she was a bad prostitute, but fifteen years in, I had to question my interpretation, I thought, I decided there was a lot of competition, port city, poor, Chinese women, but that she had kept the wolf from the door for literally, by then, years, and I said it, sardonically as I will, and I regret this now, because the recipients of this information were my daughter in law’s French parents, and they were aghast, Loraine, aghast, Loraine, aghast, that I would be sardonic about such a thing, and right away said, “Good for her.” And I didn’t tell you this yet, but later [ ] came up to me and said, “Do you realize how easy it is to fuck up in prostitution? Fuck up. Royally. I have seen so many girls go down in a matter of months, it is not even funny. I go to them a little--’

‘Oh, you do? I didn’t. I saw one for free, and caught crabs, so I didn’t want to again.’

‘Shave. Done.’

‘Oh yeah. They said that, but it wasn’t done then, so I used the cream and burnt my wee wee.’

‘You’re funny, [ ]. But seriously, if she is making it, she is doing well, rest assured, doubt no more. And I was so grateful, I wanted to die, die, die, die, because I couldn’t, fucking, believe, that my ugly duckling little daughter, my [ ] destroyed her face with teeth removals and abuse, was making it as a prostitute, I couldn’t. I couldn’t. And I would, I stalked her a little, and I would see her running around in her ridiculous outfits, with her knee socks, calculated, I felt, to annoy the Chinese, wasn’t it?’

‘No,’ says God. ‘It was calculated to annoy the police.’

‘She’s hilarious,’ says President Trump.

‘I’ll never have the character you have,’ says Melania.

‘Thank you. You’re a lovely, gracious woman.’

‘Thank you. You said that I should not do a job I am not cut out for, and this is what I feel about that, that I must redeem myself for beauty, in the vein of Princess Diana. Do you think she really loved the work?’

‘I really did, honestly,’ says Princess Diana in heaven. ‘I loved the work more than marriage.’

‘I love marriage more than the work, and that is unequivocal. And if he has to bring men home and pimp me to keep me happy at home, then so be it, because that is where I want to be, and it sounds like Loraine does too. Are you going to become an actress like Amber Heard.’

‘She’s so pretty, and young.’

‘She’s not that young.’

‘I’m really shy, and will not even speak about the book, I don’t think.’

‘What about--really? Why not? You will have to.’

‘50 Cent wants to speak to this, yes, he does.’

‘Not every writer speaks to their work, and Loraine forgets that I am a writer myself, and I don’t need a ghost writer either, Loraine, though she was making noises recently about writing man things as a ghost writer.’

‘Why, Loraine?’

‘Well, my two screen plays are a bit of a giggle, they have a bit of rhythm--’

‘But you’re so dumb and you want more to work with.’

‘We want her to write about the family, and that’s it. She will be the girl, and we will be the men,’ says Spencer. ‘And I have asked God, and we are, to a last man, smarter than her, smarter, Loraine, not just more successful, which we would be as men, but smarter.’

‘Hold up, here, Spencer,’ says God. ‘I would not stick you with a dummy, and, in some ways, it is true that Loraine has micro expressions, and Cal Lightman knows it, he does, he saw that in her right away, right away, right away, and he respects it in people, and particularly, Loraine, in women, who leap to conclusions, as you say yourself, too fast, and short circuit the micro expressions. Loraine, President Trump, has male acceptable intonations down perfectly, perfectly, perfectly, she knows, she knows, she knows, she knows, exactly, exactly, exactly, when to shut the hell up, she knows it. When she told that whiney little secretary to learn, she was young and Loraine was joking, not lording herself over her, but she had already gained herself an important job, as secretary at Pivot Legal.’

‘Why?’ says President Trump. ‘And, was she annoying the men already? Who hired her?’

‘A lot of students get their foot in the door at social organizations,’ says God. ‘And Pivot Legal was no different, and the lawyer, a woman, a lesbian, dyed in the wool, Loraine, just a prettier one, and not all that pretty, but feminine and passing as straight, even at the time, by her own desire and her own admission.’

‘I wanted to, Loraine, I did not want to be railroaded by my orientation, I thought lack of male interest would spell disaster, little did I know that my female coworkers would drop out of law, and I would rise up, and these numbers, the “lesbians have eighty percent the aptitudes of men,” one in particular, knowing it was from God, because no offence, I knew you and you weren’t that smart, though I did defend the idea that you could have written the book, because I recognized all of your ideas, and good work on the arguments, some of them are bullet proof and are finding their way into courtrooms. And I had developed significantly in my career, and was not, at all, jealous, surprisingly, because I had to admit that “learn to speak man” annoyed me because I was jealous, because this particular girl had come to me, already, you don’t, you didn’t know this, many times, whining, and she did whine, about her treatment by the men, she found them “abrupt” was one thing, “denigrating” was another, and, would you believe, and she was so innocent, I doubt if she had barely lost her virginity, “degrading.” “How?" prey tell, I wondered, “are they degrading you, because this is important, that is not how we behave toward women here.” Because they think I’m stupid, and I realized that she was, not stupid, because her resume and grades were excellent, but that she would always be nothing more than a woman, and it bugged me, this realization, because it--’

‘Now why in hell would you put that turn of phrase to it?’

‘What if she learned to speak man?’

‘Yeah.’

‘You’re dumb. She was hopeless, and that is what I was in full recognition of, in opposition, in direct opposition to, your statement.’

‘Right, I’m dumb.’

‘And it bugged me, because I thought, then, that I had to “learn to speak man” and I thought, even, that maybe only prostitutes could learn to speak man, and then finally, finally, as I excelled in my career, I realized that I already spoke “man,” even then, because, as it turns out, I was eighty percent of one, and all woman too, so thank you God, for that. Women make it in law, Loraine, and eighty percent of them are lesbians, so when you hear of a female lawyer, panic not. You’re thinking of one now.’

‘At the bus stop, a man broke his wrist falling in a snow bank, foot caught in the door and the whole nine yards.’

‘And her argument was clear the snow.’

‘LOL.’

‘I know they don’t, Loraine, everybody knows that about Ontario, people fall there every, single, fucking year with that shit, and they never, never, never fix it, never, and OCTranspo just keeps shelling out for the little, tiny, itty bitty, lawsuits, and they have it made, because it is a natural disaster, snow, and that is it. If they close the door, they get a little more.’

‘Oh my God.’

‘I’m funny. I also learned that I was funny, and that was a boon with men too, they love humour in the workplace, to answer your question, to ask a question, did you really quit because she was coveting that piece from the madam?’

‘The other lawyer would not let me transcribe, or even read, the contributions of a madam.’

‘It bugged you.’

‘It did.’

‘And you quit, because of that, because we thought that was very non committal, and shallow, but I later realized she had no legitimate reason for coveting it, and it had to come out in the final report, which you never read, because you left. Just thought you should know that you could have read it.’

‘Oh. Was it as interesting as she said?’

‘No, she was a baby. You knew more than she did, it was about how women get fired without just cause, for “having loud voices” in the back, as you said.’

‘Oh.’

‘She was, incontrovertibly, a baby, and she left law practice very shortly after that, citing boredom, and difficulty maintaining a relationship, which you predicted, in your book, well done.’

‘Do you like her now?’

‘I love me a lesbian.’

‘You’re funny, Loraine. She does. She loved the other girl too, and her fat, little, threesome friend. Why were you so embarrassed about that?’

‘Caught having free sex when the burgeoning ethic was for money for commitment.’

‘As in the book.’

‘Was a threesome embarrassing to you?’

‘No.’

‘Oh.’

‘Were you ashamed of her?’

‘No.’

‘Oh, why? She was so fat.’

‘Loraine does not think in the usual terms, and, quite honestly, she wishes that she did, because she has been stuck, and even President Trump noticed it, in one boring, lame, bullshit relationship after another.’

‘What about the lawyer? Did that last? Kidding, Loraine. That was before, President Trump. She thought she liked lawyers. So back to “degrading”. I asked what, she said, “They talk down to me.” And I realized, for sure, that she was too whiny, and little, and babyish, and girly for law, because lawyers do not, do not, do not, suffer fools gladly, and I asked around, and I learned pretty quickly that they all, to a last man, found her annoying, and whiny. And, honestly, Loraine, and I had to admit this to myself, because I was a self proclaimed feminist, and thought of myself as someone who supported equal opportunity, not just remedies from victimization, but your book changed all that, it did, and it was, it was, it was, a fucking relief, it was. Because, after the blog came out, I started to realize you must really be the messiah, because everything was changing, women were quitting like crazy, men were happier at work, and I, finally, felt like I was getting credit for “speaking man,” and, to my credit, it was such a turn of phrase that I felt morally, morally, obligated, to share it, and I did, and they laughed, Loraine, and we are smart, and we didn’t, we didn’t, we didn’t, hear anything profound from prostitutes until you. Enough said.