#just gotta! figure out a solid class. yknow !

[stuck-in-the-ghost-zone]

HELLO I AM VERY AWAKE. hello mx mackintosh apple. would u happen to have any spare cwilbur heart player propaganda. (what class would he be do u thiink. ;-;) or like anything else for that matter. karkat woobification. ghostbur discussion. cool ass sea creatures. this is another free coupon for u. also all my friends r asleep rn too LMAO so..... <33 🤝

ohhhh my god hi ros hiiii don't even get my STARTED on cwilbur heart player propaganda this post will b like. 20 miles long.

His class is !!!!! very tricky I think. I haven't nailed down a solid one yet. for a while I was pretty solid on him being a Bard but like... now that I've been rereading hs and looking at the wikis more im not sure if that fits as well as I want it toooooo... idk!! BUT. heart player momence. Holy shit. I feel so so so so strong abt this. You've seen the beginnings of the shit w dirks "splinters" now and. That is a big heart player thing I think.

I will FOREVER be sad that we never got to see enough of nepeta or meulin to get as good of a read on their relationships to being a heart player so like. we only rlly have a destroyer class to go on??? but like. imo. being a heart player is HEAVILY reliant on figuring out. the self. and identity. And like. w cwilbur,,, collectively as a fandom we have unintentionally split him up into his own splinters. we've got lmanbur. we've got pogtopia era. we've got GHOSTBUR. and now we have revivebur. And like. Even tho they're all the Same Guy, sometimes they're all treated as different characters. president of lmanburg wilbur is NOT the same guy as. say. revivebur. and don't even get me STARTED on how c!wilbur talks about ghostbur. AND how ghostbur talked abt him . Each of them saw themselves as separate from the other, even though... like... technically they're the same fuckign person. and that is SUCH a heart player thing we LITERALLY saw almost that exact conversation between Dirk and AR. "you and I are the same" "stop saying that." GOD. It's so fucking good ok. ok. I could write an entire fuckign essay abt c!wilburs relationship to his own identity. he even does it HIMSELF in canon. I don't have any of my quotes abt this saved but I know I have them somewhere and if I remember to tomorrow I'll try 2 find some.

AS FOR THE OTHER STUFFF. I feel like this post might b getting a lil Too Long ™ but if u have any specific fun sea monsters 2 ask me abt I would love 2 talk abt those too hehehe. karkat is just so.... he is so ... u haven't even gotten to the best karkat moments yet... man... I love him sommuch. he goes thru such good character development... actually.. I was joking when I said ctommy is a karkat kinnie irt being a knight of blood but like... they r kinda similar sometimes. rude loud annoying kid w a rlly rlly good heart. their love for unlovable things. their tendency to ramble abt random shit forever and word things in such Specific Ways. yeah...

[revasserium]

nekoma #1 - morning

kuroo. 

when he first told you that he was a morning person, you looked him dead in the eye and called him liar. it would not be the last time you call him on his bullshit, but ever since then his smiles have gotten just a little bit wider. and sometimes you find him leaning against the doorway to your class, casually scrolling through his phone, a bit too posed, hair a bit too ruffled, shoulders tense as a tightrope, insisting that he’d not been waiting for you, that he’d just happened to be hanging around and oh, would you look at that, you’d come walking down the hallway. it’s a misty, wednesday morning when he reaches out to tuck a strand of hair behind your ear, a thoughtless gesture, almost like second nature before he catches himself and realizes what he’s done. his eyes go wide and his cheeks go red and his usual low drawl of a voice hikes up four pitches as he fumbles for words and explanations. you reach up to tug on a lock of his hair too as you shrug and say, “there, now we’re even, though you could probably use a bit less gel. how do you even wash that shit out?” to which he’d sputtered indignantly, insisting that his hair was nothing short of artwork. it takes him another week to buck up enough courage to ask you out, but when he does, it’s the first time you don’t call his bluff. you say yes, you say only if you quit using so much damn hairgel; to which he grins, and turns with a melodramatic sigh and tells you that he’ll finally have time to sleep in in the mornings. 

kenma. 

there is nothing good about mornings, so he insists, and so you agree. but waking up next to you just might count as a good thing -- no, it definitely does. see, kenma is not known for being particularly active, or fond of physical movement (the contradictions therein about him being on the volleyball team shall be addressed at a later date, when he’s got more energy), and thus the transitioning from static to not so static as is ritual most mornings just isn’t on his list of favorite things. but you -- somehow, when he opens his eyes to find you there, curled up next to him just as you’d been the night before, he can’t find it in himself to be upset, not even at the foggy chill that had settled against his window overnight, or the cool, bleak sun peaking over the horizon-line, signaling the start to another doubtlessly tiresome day. you turn, lashes fluttering as you open your eyes, a sleepy smile stretching your lips and kenma can’t help the way his chest fills with butterflies. “g’morning”, you say, your voice still thick with the honey of dreams, and he just sighs, crinkling his nose as he snuggles in against you, grumbling through his chest, “yeah, i guess so.” you laugh, the sound ringing like bluebells along his skin, “i thought you hated mornings.” kenma huffs, his breath warm against your forehead as he pulls you close, “i do, but... you’re here. so, this one’s not that bad, i guess.” 

kai. 

for the most part, he’s quite ambivalent about mornings, just as he’s ambivalent about friday afternoons and sunday nights. they’re just mere times of day and he cannot, for the love of all that’s holy, figure out the obsession (or counter-obsession in the form of disgust) with mornings. a day has to begin somewhere, hasn’t it? and the morning’s done nothing wrong except to mark that; so, he accepts the morning, and goes about his usual morning routine of a well-balanced breakfast, before stretches and a subway ride to morning practice. it’s here that he meets you for the first time, the new manager, still a little shy then, but with eyes bright enough to light up an entire gymnasium, he’s sure. and suddenly, mornings are no longer just a time of day, but the times of days he looks forward to the most, because it means he’ll get to see you at school, cheeks flushed from the cold outside, bangs sometimes sticking to your forehead if you’re working on tossing for them, lips sometimes parted, your tongue peaking through the side if you’re concentrating on jotting down notes for their next training regime. and suddenly, he understands the mass attraction and aversions to times of day, because they could mean so much more than just the markings of time he’d taken them to be -- they could be earned towards and looked forward to, for the possibilities they contain, or the inevitability of their endings. and he finally understands that morning is no longer simply a pocket of time between a and b, but a measure of what might happen, if he just took one step closer, reached out and grabbed your hand, if he squeezed it, and never let it go -- what would you do? so he decides that maybe, just maybe, one of these mornings, he’s going to reach out, and try it. 

yaku. 

he’s always up at the first ring of his alarm, because there are always so many things to do -- brush his teeth, wash his face, iron his uniform, make sure his hair doesn’t look too nuts, text you good morning and ask how you slept, and mornings are just the perfect time for all those things, like the great start to a long race, it’s when he sets the tone for the rest of the day. you once teased you could publish a book with all the good morning texts he’d sent you over the years -- “how’d you think of so many? do you google them or something?” to which he’d squawked and said that he’d never plagiarize his morning texts... although sometimes, he does take a peak on the internet for some good inspiration. but he insists that the words are his own, and you believe him. “good morning! today’s gonna be a great day, i can just feel it in the air!” “morning sunshine! it’s chilly out so don’t forget to bring a jacket!” “good morning! did you have good dreams last night? tell me about them.” “morning~ i missed you.” “morning sunshine, let’s get coffee on the way to school. the vending machine on the corner restocked!” “gmorning, couldn’t sleep last night but i hope you did.” “gmorning. remember to put on sunscreen!” “gmorning! smile!” “gmorning. i love you.” “morning, i love you.” “good morning! i love you!” and just “hey, i love you.” 

tora. 

you’d asked him if he collected alarm clocks; he’d said they’re just to make sure he gets out of bed on time. you’d wondered what kind of sleeper he might be to need eight alarm clocks to get him out of bed every single morning -- the answer is a deep one. when he jogs by your front door for the third time that week, you ask him on the way to school what he’s doing, to which he answers “training, there’s a really good team in miyagi we gotta beat! and i can’t let myself go, yknow?” you wonder if it’s possible for anyone to let themselves go any more than he usually does (restraint is not one of his defining characteristics), but decide against bringing it to his attention. the fifth time he jogs by, you ask him why you’re house -- surely there are better streets suited for jogging? ones that aren’t next to a major intersection, a good 30 minutes away from his house, perhaps not in the opposite direction of school. he goes red and his usual loud, declaratives falter until they’re half-formed thoughts, cut off and tangled as he tries to iron out his tongue enough to force a proper sentence out. you decide to drop the issue, but from then on, he jogs by your house every morning, and on his way back, he finds you waiting for him, a bottle of water in hand, and a smile on your face. it takes him a solid half-year to ask you out. but when you say yes, he decides that the only way to celebrate is to take a dozen laps around your house. 

inuoka.  

he’s always up at the crack of dawn, somehow, someway -- sometimes you wonder if he’s solar-powered for all the endless energy he has, because photosynthesis is the only explanation left. he chatters during morning homeroom, filling you (and everyone within earshot) about his previous night, how the homework sucked, because they’d had practice till super late, and then on the way home, he got sidetracked by this litter of stray kittens that he just had to take to the shelter first, so by the time he got home, it was already hella late (which, mind you, is an exact measure of time in his world), so doing 14 pages of traditional literature reading and then having to write a short answer to be turned in by midnight was really really not the business. “what would have been the business then?” you ask one day, out of sheer curiousity as to how he’d answer. he blinks, quirking his head in a movement not unlike a slightly confused puppy dog, before grinning wide and saying, “well, that’s easy! not having homework, eating a ton of whatever i wanted for dinner, and spending all the rest of my time with you!” you let out a laugh and remind him that you literally have very single class together, to which he says, without missing a single beat, “yeah, but that’s not enough time. i wanna be with you from the second i wake up, to the second i fall asleep, and not a moment less!” 

lev. 

they see his eyes and call him lion, but none of them knows how much more cub he is lion than in the spare light of a dawning morning. curled up beneath his sheets, his usually giant body looks almost normal-sized, small even, spine bent like if he just tried hard enough, he could bend himself into a question, or perhaps an answer -- the answer to every question he’s ever asked of himself only to find that he can’t find a satisfactory answer lying in his own body. but that doesn’t stop him from trying. he tells you about the nightmares, and you promise him that they’re nothing more than the shadows of dreams, and don’t we all have shadows that follow us? even when the day is in full bloom? he holds you to him at night, his entire body wrapping around you, as if he were trying to soak you in, tether himself to something so as to make sure he’ll still have somewhere to wake up in the morning and find his own reflection; you shake him awake with a gentle smile, a kiss, a reminder that he’s going to miss breakfast again if he keeps on sleeping but he just whines and buries his face deeper into the crook of your neck. “not yet. it’s not light outside yet.” you smile, “but you don’t even like the dark.” “i don’t, but you’re always here, so i like that.” “i’ll still be here once we get up, lev.” “i know, but what it’s this is a dream? all dreams end when you get up.” you pause, stroking a palm down his spine, “maybe not this one,” you say, and somehow convince him to get up out of bed and cart him towards the bathroom. “maybe this one, you get to keep on dreaming forever.” he grins as he hop up onto the counter to watch him groggily brush his teeth and wash his face. after a moment, he looks up, seemingly much more awake than before. and then he smiles, “well if that’s the case, then maybe morning never, ever come again.” 

[pestopascal]

which class companions are your favorites in swtor? i find it funny you always exclude skadge in fics

skadge? idk him............ skjhdkfh but srsly i rly dont care for him so he doesnt exist for me (save for being the person to muck with doc’s plans basically  i think that was him ).

but uhh to answer ur Q..... my faves are definitely the inquisitor crew like i LOVE that funky bunch but i played si first, the story is so funny to me, like in the grand scheme of things wyd to actually have any impact on literally anything jedi/sith wise....... like i love them. they set such a fun standard for everyone else. idk. it was just a RLY good time i love the story so much i love the crew i just. i did the entire inquisitor storyline again in like 2 days i missed it SO MUCH i feel a lot of inner peace now

also i should say that i have only ever completely done class story thru to like. onslaught now on my inquisitor so like i played a solid 2 weeks in 2017 doing everything and ofc when u get to kotfe/kotet and start recruiting rando companions im like WHO ARE THESE PPL and still dont rly know them so my impressions are absolutely minimal and the inquisitor crew set a standard for me entirely

after inq, i would honestly probably put in the bounty hunter crew bc i love all of them except skadge ❤️ he’s a nasty lil afterthought bc its like they remembered that bh is empire side and they were like OH FUCK GOTTA BE EVIL here have this mass murderer on ur team enjoy. like it was getting too campy clearly. i rly just love the interactions and how funny they were up until belsavis like bioware realising they were running outta planets to give me a new companion its okay i just need the four thanks u can keep skadge.......

and THEN idk like. i still havent finished smuggler, trooper or agent (havent even started the former). so i would probably say my only two faves for the warrior are quinn and vette bc i literally dont think about pierce or feel anything for broonmark. OMG OR JAESA I FORGOT ABOUT HER LOL!!!!!!! i made her LS just bc DS jaesa is TOO edgy for me but i think alfrinn would mess up and turn her DS also just bc it was so funny having the LS dialogue about fixing the empire or whatever and its like girl Shut Up youre not ashara u wish u were.....

i rly didnt mind the consular companions i just didnt rly click so much but im gonna replay the consular anyway soon? bc i wanna try some new things/dont honestly remember The Plot™. i did like zenith and qyzen a lot honestly but yeah like. im gonna replay, figure some shit out, make more in character choices bc i just rolled a togruta and went with it

i dont mind the knight companions obviously but yeah same kind of deal? i think the knight story rly had smth going but kind of lost it and went back to the typical hero storyline so idk i was just like completely amazed they were like YEAH YOU WERE A SITH and ignored that but okey! scourge promising to train my bloodline in the ways of the sith was heartwarming. i didnt rly talk/pay attention to rusk like at all, but yeah i think there was a lot of plot threads kind of spread out that were. ignored. so like kira’s whole thing i just ??????? through, i lov teeseven obviously, and doc. yknow. the proposal was rly cute bye.

i got like halfway thru imperial and i meeeetttt vector? i think? is as far as i rly got/paid attention. i just dont rly like the whole joiner dealio going on at all with him so i DONT know what i think. idk how to feel about kaliyo either? she reads like a straight man’s wet dream about an “empowered bisexual woman who can kick my ass”. like just admit ur into femdom and go............. but like again. havent rly played much, spent more time complaining about being a sniper, ive rerolled and i think just arrived on dromund kaas again so restart! yeah!

[unproduciblesmackdown]

weird to think back on things like the funky experience of being The All A’s/B’s gang and then The All A’s person during middle school and the Smart Kid designation cuz we all have a godawful time within the k-12 education system and also in Higher Education / academia as well and the setup isn’t like, good for anyone though natch between the “lack of attention / occasional positive attention” and “frequent / negative attention” ends of the experience the former is preferable; apparently weird to have been Good Student passing b/c again idk i have good retention and could memorize shit in homeroom for a quiz that day and that was great b/c actually i had godawful / nonexistent study habits and actually basically hated school and did anything last minute and all but like whatever, i could figure out / understand and remember shit more efficiently / faster than usual so like, idk, i’d get wild results ig. and anyways yeah Smart Kid throughout all of k-12 but like, although i don’t think i’m Not smart in any way, it’s like, but no i hated school and never really tried, that inferred correlation wasn’t there but like also there’s the weird Presumed Identity for you. and it Was weird b/c idk i was like, okay? “perpetually nebulous / imprecise / uncertain sense of identity” gang out here and i’m like hmm okay Am i “the good grades getter?” and then apparently you are cuz like welp that’s the Expectation, and also in my case i was also in the “oops let’s minimize ptsd party” gang of Gotta Get As/Bs motivation..............the point is like, it’s funny how despite that concept of what The A’s Getter is, by now i’m like oh but that’s not even like, my Main Thing, much less my Whole thing. my main thing is that i get wildly interested and passionate about stuff and when i’m really about shit i’m So about it and into it and all that yknow. and it’s like, would be cool if i hadn’t had to like, first fight past this arbitrary Assigned Box to even start to figure out what i’m Really like. but Schools aren’t out here about like allowing for people to be varied individuals and shit. plus, weirdly i’m not sure if i hadn’t had that “Positive” Label to supplant any others that my autistic ass would’ve been largely left alone as much as it generally was............even I didn’t get through middle school w/o some light bullying peppered in there but hey for the most part i got by. and like, i remember 15 was a time for a wild Agonizing Spike cuz that was the point i was having to try to settle on a college major and i was like bitch i don’t know!!! for starters how is every 19 / 20 y.o supposed to know!!! but like litchrelly a year and a half ago my ass was in middle school and barely had any opportunities to individually choose what to pursue, and even if i Had an interest i would sometimes assume if it didn’t seem like The Smart Kid choice i would just assume that like, my interest would only be Allowed to go so far. so yeah i’m 14-15 for the first time having a little breathing room and allowed to pick out my own shit and investigate various stuff (cuz of the luck of getting to live on campus aka parents are Not around and i can be around for more than just Classes) and yet like, that wasn’t enough time to suddenly Fully Realize The Whole Of My Own Identity And What My Actual Passions And Life Goals And Etc Are. plus i kinda remember that i figured i’d flunk out and so was kinda Not spending freshman year expecting to actually be able to do this college thing.....so yeah i always distinctly remember the Stress of sophomore year with this Timer counting down of “gotta declare a major oh god” and trying somehow to Realize What I’m Even Like (i did partially lmao outside of the Academic aspect of it) and obviously like, that’s a Lot.......................plus it was kind of doomed anyways cuz i do remember that when i even mentioned the fact of like “hey what if i majored in ______ [cuz i’m evidently actually like thinking social issues are what i’m thinking i could dedicate my attention to, i’m 15 idk trying to figure this shit out]” and it got immediately brushed off cuz of my mom’s assumptions about what i was like based on my being Smart(tm) and my not wanting to tell my parents about anything Actually about myself by that point so that was like..........well cool to know that that’s not an option for me anymore thanks to immediate dismissal........................like i totally remember that by sophomore year i was def Swiss Idol and “i don’t have a clue what to major in” was a big part of that 9_9...............and like, doing college early is kinda crazy but also Not having high school to mayyyybe figure things out for a bit before hurtling towards Declare Major at 92384 mph is like, would it have helped? who can say. but for example, i know Now i’m a theatre gay, and the limited number of friends-ish i made at college was basically all theatre gays what a surprise, but i myself didn’t ever touch that because i had No direct experience with it, because middle school didn’t have that extracurricular, and then being dropped into hs with people who did? i was like fuck i’m not auditioning for shit i really don’t know how to do. i’m not even Supposed To Be Here goddamn!! i can karaoke avpm in the first floor lounge that’s IT!! fuckin r.i.p. but i mean also i Know high school is it’s own fuckin mess that’s hardly like “flourish as individuals!!” all a sudden. like how i don’t know if i’d’ve been “solid B’s” gang if i would’ve had more room to just figure out my own shit earlier, or if things would’ve been even More miserable cuz of my replacement Type being something more frowned upon cuz weird loser was def waiting in the wings............and then of course Smart Kid expectation constraints wasn’t hardly the only issue in holding back that “oh wait but what am i like *Actually*” process cuz if i was in high school i would’ve been around my parents every day and That was just as much if not more a hindrance in figuring myself out. like going to college may have been useful in that yes i did learn shit but if nothing else i am glad for it b/c the strides i made in “god damn i have to get away from these people (my parents lmfao)” and knowing at least that i’m not Like what THEY thought i was like was E ssen tial Knowledge..........but anyhow like the point of looking back on this shit isn’t to figure out How To Have Run The Perfect Course cuz obviously what’s the point in imagining as broad a what-if, but it’s good for Understanding shit currently..........like oh yeah this crap probably Affected me!! and you gotta know the history to understand the present...............it’s just really wild how like, Passion and (rarely activated) Energy And Intense Interest is like, what i consider my Thing now, and that was like. not what i ever heard anyone else tell me that’s what i’m Like, like, ever basically. i mean not that i don’t think i’m Not smart. it’s just like, not my whole thing and it just kinda feels more incidental, right. What If the whole time i’d been able to pursue whatever i felt like is a wiiiiiiiild question i don’t even know. there’s been so Little of that that’s its absolutely off the shits to be able to put together “oh right i’ve been a theatre gay all along” and “actually i Have performed on stage a decent number of times and supremely thrived in those experiences and i Know i was interested cuz i wished like (@ my family: dni)” and have this very simple (and thus far unusable) Knowledge about something i actually like and am interested in, cuz for the most part it’s [??? ?? ? ?? ???]

on a shorter but related note: the Camaraderie i feel with everyone in the “either has or wants to or would even seriously consider Cutting Ties with parent/s" gang and like, always very Interested in the various experiences within this v broad category. cuz there are so many factors playing into Why you’re in this group and then there’s so many factors in regards to whether someone actually feels able to ditch a ‘rent or two, and then beyond that, all the factors in whether someone’s actually able to............like, knowing that it’s never “lucky” to have to be in this group in the first place, i fairly am Lucky about it in many ways cuz, first of all, lucky to have been able to actually execute [eff off from parents] maneuver, and lucky to get to Know that’s what i totally needed to do........we are all Valide in how we try to deal with relations w/ parents that are so bad you even have to think about “maybe i have to Not Have This Person In My Life At All” and like, when people are dealing with that but Don’t feel they have the option to truly cut that parent or two out of their life, that’s like, well as someone who once felt that way and can Empathize and yet also had these Factors Line Up which let me peace out which aren’t factors that are in play for everyone (as well as a lack of other factors which Are relevant for others and which might mean Leaving Behind Parent/s 5eva isn’t an option they’d consider) it’s like Oh wow, let me hear more about that experience. tldr the camaraderie

oh and ps. it’s funny how like, in my post-being-in-school life, i thiiiiiiiink people usually probably assume i’m Kinda Dumb if anything. cuz the Grades don’t exist anymore but i’m still autistic!!!!! which is another wild factor in thinking about like “well what if [some aspect of my life] had been entirely different, hmmm” cuz it’s like. well i’d’ve still been autistic lmao..............the Social shit has like, been an issue even before the other usual shit in school cuz i Knew i wasn’t fitting in at preschool when all we were doing was like, learning colors and going outside. and it always was a bit distressing to me Never really having more than a couple friends and even then not that close or anything, right? and also how i’d try to Fix this with various strategies and trying out different situations like “oh well i’m not putting myself out there i’ll put myself out there” [tries it and it half-backfires] or “well if i’m spending a weekend with people who know me from Online they’re gonna like me for sure” [majority of ppl in a sub Friend Group i’m peripheral to and i’m intermittently stressed the whole time] “Ah Fuck” lmao and honestly only recently am i like oh right..............when you’re autistic socializing just in a very fundamental way is really like That*.................(*a way i can’t easily explain lmao)............like really just in mad recent times kind of realizing like, oh, okay, i don’t think i can ever Adjust My Approach and just suddenly become good at Easily Makes Friends and that kind of shit..............finally just kinda realizing like ohh right okay i really just do Not do “normal good conversation” like you’re supposed to and that’s just chill The Way It Is not necessarily “not good enough at it” way but It Just Is Different way like........yeah it can be Not Pointless to try to modify your social approach and that’s true for absolutely anyone, but like say, if i’m like oh if i simply get Better at [social interaction task] i will then finally be Good at it, it’s like, shit well that’s honestly just not how it works for me. like, #getting how after a point it’s like “okay learning to do [task] in a way that’s more [like this] is maybe gonna be better for Masking / seeming allistic but like, not for Actually giving me a social experience that’s more fulfilling for Me.” Plus, it’s like, i’m also way more (or okay at least As Much) socially limited by external factors, probably. 

pps oh and also, tangentially related b/c Autistique, it’s wild how every time you delve into (something At All specific about autism) you’ll probably learn something Utterly new about autism which is like god damn this isn’t That niche why haven’t i heard this!! why do i have to know there are 538 other would-be “i should already know this” revelations waiting for me about this topic cuz you have to manage to dig up this stuff on your own and dodge all the unhelpful bullshit types of sites where it’s Not about info from people / for people who are autistic? please. it’s almost like this is a constant and important part of my identity that affects p much every aspect of my life and is helpful to hear others’ info about the collective experience of it b/c like, it’s literally all in your own head and you can’t just somehow Know the ways you’re different in that realm just from emergent traits you can pick up on and figure out. ugh!!!! anyways

this is LONG but NO readmore b/c eh. who am i if not [i hope everyone hates my blog this week.jpg] every week

[trossy20]

1/24/2019 Millbrae, CA

So I’ve made it! Here we are in CA. West coast is truly the best coast (and yes my boo CO, that includes you too). Currently I’m in the backyard of the house (Airbnb hostel-like place) under their mini gazebo/patio thing. It was cold last night, so the chairs are all dewy, encouraging me to take a sit on the pavement. It’s not particularly warm, but the sun is out and doing it’s thing just right. It’s 0940ish; I woke up around 0900, having gone to bed close to 0100 watching Californication and Big Mouth which, no Matt, it’s not funnier while you’re stoned. I did a double last night at Marvelous Performance, but that would’ve been more impressive at Terra Nova because at this gym, I’m currently partaking in the Fundamentals level. It felt great yesterday though to have done their crossfit-level workout afterward. I’m excited for tonight, which will be another double: fundamentals strength first, HIIT class after. I’m especially excited though, for this thing they’re advertising (and I can’t seem to find any other info on it than what Matt ((one of the coaches)) told me) called something like 6-weeks to Best Self. I met a dude last night who was cool enough to just walk up to me randomly and introduce himself. I liked his energy and he was a similar height, but built! He’s been a member for a year and said he started with the 6 week thing too-- said it’s worth it especially for the nutritional/educational piece. :3 so i gotta get on registering. Imma ask more tonight. There’s an orange and lemon tree back here, with fruit but a bit too early to pick. According to the other residents, there’s also a cherry and apple tree. Our neighbors have persimmons (my like new fav fruit) and figs! Amazing. This place is a little house, longer in length than width, with about 6 bedrooms. Each bedroom has bunkbeds and from what I understand, there’s a single private room? It works though! Yknow, if you’re not OCD about things/not super bugged by messy people… A team comes to clean supposedly twice a week, but the residents report it’s been more so once a week, which isn’t cool because we’re past half capacity. Still, it works. 3 or 4 fridges in total, a kitchen, living room, tiny dining room, a basement with another tv and computers which I can’t figure out if they belong to anyone in particular or not. 3 guitars or more (mine included). A piano. Plenty of bikes (supposedly one is communal, but every one that brought their own bike is willing to share. A poor excuse for a workout bench but it can work. Communal/free laundry soap (feels weird to smell different). And a solid group of misfits. The coffee here is free (As even indicated by a little sign someone made) and there’s nearly always a fresh pot on. I shared a lot of my mush yesterday which is fine because I’m getting help paying for it anyway ty Katherine, and people are getting hooked but now it’s not even gonna last 24H x). Gotta make more today… So being here: It’s been a little disorienting to find my feelings. Today’s the first day that I’m taking a bit of time to create the space. My last day off was a bit of that, but I was so excited and distracted by my mini adventure to Sprouts that I didn’t make a lot of headway for what’s going on up there. I was starting to wonder if there’s much going on at all, just because everything is new and engaging and something’s always happening (even if it’s just netflix or someone playing video games). It’s all too easy to just let the days roll by. I checked in** on Jan 6th, was it? (**got to millbrae a day earlier and Ren gave me crap later for having us sleep in the car and not Elo/Peter’s place hehe). I wonder too, if it was too quick of a transition. I’m slowly allowing the format of my exploration to change. CO was all about meeting people via apps, but here I’ve already fallen into a group and met people way more easily in person ie Marvelous Performace, a friend of a friend, or even work/fellow travelers. As the experience pans out, I’m at least aware that allowing this format to be different is growth in itself. It makes me wonder how the next place might feel. I’ve also started to wonder about extending here… but that remains to be seen. (Been toying with the idea of WA next). There’s a crow that’s been vocal this morning, little finches chirping at a quicker pace, and another bird I don’t recognize all seemingly celebrating the quiet, warm morning. I’ve notifed just now my nose is a tiny bit stuffy, but I can still smell the sweet baked/fried goodies from whatever  bakery nearby. It carries in the wind to pretty impressive distances, but I think we’re close by. My laundry is going so I’m feeling extra productive/not worried about how I should be adventuring right now instead because I need to stick around to move it over/start the next load, and that made me wonder something new: I don’t feel … inquieto. I think that translates to anxious/restless. I always think it’s appropriate to say “be still, my heart,” if one is feeling inquieto, so I guess the translation fits. Still, i think those english words are a bit deceiving. Inquieto in ronnie world is yes, both of those, but fueled by a FOMA type of energy. I’m very aware of my emotional habit of needing to feel productive/busy all the time or else I’ll begin to feel depressed (something to examine later, though I don’t think it’s necessarily unhealthy of a thing. Bagh, but who knows what I’m hiding now), but (rounding back to the Something New) I think that energy is more at peace here, and that’s what’s mainly throwing me off. “Ronnie, what do you want..?” Uhh… Idk! We can always walk to Trader Joe’s or hop on the bus or train somewhere or read.. “Shouldn’t we be out meeting people? Meetups? Destinations? Missions?” Hm. I mean I guess but I rather just ride the bus or train :3 So maybe my social quota is filled already with these rascals. I expressed to Tracy that I was a little worried I’m not worried about it (am I asexual?), when she asked if there were any new love interests. She assured me that that’s totally normal-- we go through phases of course. She went through a 2 year stretch of not even giving that thought because life was just busy. She was doing her, and that was okay. That resonates with me. I guess I have this perception that around my age, everyone should be out socializing/meeting people/flirting/hooking up/getting trashed… but cmon ronnie, was that ever really you? I do find that fun occasionally, but it’s like I’m super happy to be settling more into my grandpa-like tendencies. I think the 8hr shifts have a lot to do with it too: the life I have within these contracts is probably hugely dictated by the shift I signed up for. These 8hr-ers encourage my grandpa trends, encourage a routine, encourage my days off to be restful and adventurous in MY way. In comparison, CO was 12hr-ers, nights, but took up about 4 days a week of my life. The rest of the days? I guess just chillin with Ren XD but it’s still different. Not in a bad way! Maybe I should look into more introspective prompts. Mainly I just try to gauge the degree of my inner FOMA, or trans-dom x) “*knocks on the mental door* Hey, Ronnie? You okay? You wanna do anything in particular?” -I’m good! “*narrow-eyed look* don’t be so quick to respond now, member?” -I know, but really! We could maybe paddleboard-- it’s supposed to be 60 deg today but if we don’t totally cool because that’s a lot of work opening the basement garage and all. Member, we gotta make more food at some point. *shrugs* meetup for ideas? But yeah, no FOMA :3 “Okay.. how you feeling bout dysphoria?” -Decent. I know we’ll have our class tonight. Should probs take a progress photo and that whole 6 week thing.. :) “Worm, cool. I’m thirsty.” It’s restaurant week! Maybe I’ll text that dude and his fiance to join us :3 1040 now, gonna check my laundry, skim meetups, and look into another pair of shoes because I destroyed the active ones……..

[inkofamethyst]

November 5, 2021

I’m actually kind of mad about how I’m a choir kid now (I use the term “kid” lightly).  Like I’ve been a band kid who’s passively scorned choir (not because I thought it beneath me or anything (was lowkey envious of how they could all stay on their parts (but now I can kinda do it!!)), but because choir just seemed to have a high concentration of bullies and clique-y behavior (not all of em tho bc my dancer-friend and my dnd-friend were both in choir and y’all know I ain’t got tolerance for bullying), tied with (...or maybe as a close second to) theatre lol) for literal YEARS and now I’m about to go to a friendsgiving with these choir folk???

Anyway I gotta figure out what I’m gonna make for this event.  I’ve got this noodle soup/stew thing (sort of like a chicken pot pie except the chicken is optional and there’s no pie crust) that I could totally do, unless I wanna buy something, I guess.  I don’t trust the oven in my apartment to read out accurate temperatures in the slightest so I’d have to try baking something beforehand if I wanted to do that.  And I only have a week to figure it out ahhhhhh I’ve got to use this weekend as a full on test weekend.  I could do deviled eggs.  I could buy Lofthouse cookies.  Or oreos.  The real kind, not the cheap off brand ones that satiate my cravings.  I could make that dumpling stew thing again.  Actually… I don’t think I have a big enough pot to make it for more than two or three people (well, okay, actually that’s only if the dumpling stew thing was the main dish which it won’t be,,, but also I need to perfect my dumplings first).  They’re providing turkey… I could make a spiced fettuccine alfredo… but that’s not really thanksgiving food yknow?  I mean, macaroni and cheese is obviously a thanksgiving staple but I’m afraid of baking it wrong ughh.  I could do like an egg salad?

This… really is not something I should be stressing about at all.  Like not in the slightest.  And I’m not stressed, exactly.  I just want to make something good, you know?  And by good, I mean excellent.  Of course.

I could do green beans.  I could probably even do green beans from a can.  I could figure out how to do mashed potatoes.  I think I have a gravy that I like.  I don’t have a serving bowl though.  I could ask my parents for one.  I... no.  I’m not going to try potato salad because that’s actually a very polarizing dish and I could never make it as well as my mom without direct tutelage.

Looks like I’ve got a lot of test cooking to do this weekend (which I don’t really mind).  And grocery shopping (again, this is also more tolerable than it once was).  I’m trying to move away from defaulting to stovetop macaroni and cheese (from scratch though.  none of that boxed nonsense) + chicken nuggets once or twice a week and open my horizons to other (but still ridiculously easy) options.  I think I’ve got one for tomorrow that’ll be like a homemade hamburger helper.

Today I’m thankful that the lady I met with earlier this week seems so invested in my success.  Like, I don’t know what I’m going to talk about with one of the associate deans of my college, but I have, apparently, as of today, been mentioned to them?  Which is cool and dope and all but like at this point I don’t know what I don’t know and that means I really don’t have too many questions for him right now.  I know, I know, it’s ~networking~, I know, and I know that having “powerful” contacts can potentially mean getting really solid letters of recommendation (the lady I met with suggested that I look into applying for the Rhodes scholarship which is kind of insane (in the good way, but also it wasn’t even on my radar to go out of the States for grad school anymore)), but at this point I just want some good letters from faculty.  Unfortunately, a lot (actually,,,, literally all) of my bio classes are huge so I don’t see myself getting close to those profs without a lot of extra work on my part.  Anth is going to have to be my best bet.  Speaking of which, I need to contact the associate dean of the honors college just to check in and see how she’s doing.  You know.  Networking.  (But I actually do enjoy talking with her and it’s been a minute.)

[isaacathom]

so i think. and i dont KNOW. that the idea is. on this next wednesday i present my teacher with a final ‘please just fucking say this works i swear to god’ proposal for what i want to do. then the FOLLOWING monday, after my design class (doing god knows what in it), i go to the library at uni and print my final things. at this stage, its two near identical prints of an nb figure hiding in a toilet stall, with the variants being one sheet has a female figure yelling outisde, the other a male figure. on wednesday after that class (doing, again, God Knows Fucking What), I stick the two of them up to the toilet signs just outisde the classroom and take photos of them both with my camera. The next day, before or after my class (considering the likelihood of class ending early, after) i take another set of photos in case something changed (unlikely) and i head off.

if they actually stay up with no changes, i MIGHT also leave them there over that weekend and then duck in on monday to check them. On that same monday (thsta the uhhh 20th) i will be taking the photos to the library and printing them out, and thats what will be submitted on wednesday in class. possibly alongside the signs i had printed, which depending on what happens to them could be interesting. if they remain totally untouched (HIGHLY LIKELY theres no exactly high traffic in hb aside from the cafe staff who are Busy yknow) i might not. i would ask her i guess.

thats the idea. i think that timeline works out. i dont want to have to come in on a day where i dont have uni but i can if i have to, like if i wanna print stuff on the weekend or whatever. the final photo print would be ideal to happen monday because doing it before class wednesday is too much fear for me to handle (in case like, the bus is late, or the tram breaks, or im just late for some reason, i wouldnt have time) and tuesday is my late day and i dont have time to do it after class. between the lecture and class can fit but i like having the Vast Expanse of time to deal with it, especially if i leave the signs over that weekend and something actually happens that necessitates me taking a photo, which means i need time to take the photos and then edit them w/ levels and shit in photoshop on a uni comp (which means finding an available uni comp near the printers lol). i need time, is the point. i think that all Basically tracks. it does mean i need to make sure i bring solid paper on that FIRST monday... and i guess photo paper for the second one? i have 180gsm (?) paper in a3 which is a pain in the ass so like i might pick up a few sheets of smth in a4, given the size of the sign (gotta measure that this wednesday, for Scale). theres an officeworks on burwood i can use for that.

theres a lot going on