#just imaging his life on the daily makes me 💔

[patrick-zweigs]

okay i understand people wanting more affection between harwin/rhaenyra, more domesticity. but that’s the thing, they don’t have that. obviously moments are stolen but they’re certainly not sitting in rooms lounging on each other, not laying around in bed or not for long. rhaenyra seems to have her kids around her A LOT too, and given the circumstances rightfully chooses to not yet have them know of their true parentage. sure harwin is around more that average but they do not ‘know’ and haven’t quite been at the age to know until maybe now. so what you get is tense rooms with other people. and weighted eye contact.

with the kids, all you are offered is touches to the chin. words of encouragement. keep your head up. keep your weapons up. your guard up. small lessons doled out quietly, carefully, slowly. you are surrounded by the world they will soon be thrust into. your son, the future king. his mother, future queen, one of the most powerful people in the realm, and yet all of you are all powerless in this. you must tip-toe around, hide, elude, and for all of it, the effort, all the times you cannot claim your children in public, speak your mind. you are still hit with gazing eyes, accusations. and you can say nothing or only defend yourself with lies. you bring shame to your father. to his house. your house, that you will have to leave to one day. regardless. leave your children and the women you love to this snake pit.

so yes, no forehead kisses, but that’s not their life 98% of this time. i think it was nice to see things from the outside. how they act on the daily. and lbr in real life you often don’t get a kiss goodbye.

[ruminate88]

Finally dealing & processing Jake…

I’ve made a few post about him in the past, but I haven’t really reflected on him and dealt with what he put me through because it’s just too painful. First off, I wasn’t attracted to him at all, but he kept being pushy with me. He was trying to force a relationship with me and I didn’t want to date him, but I did like his personality sometimes. we did have a lot in common and he felt very familiar to me, but at some point, I started to realize that he can’t be trusted at all. He was very intimidating and very very controlling!!!!!!!!! I literally felt so much fear with him. I never once felt truly safe with him, so I don’t even know how I had real conversations with him at all.😳 Why did I ever send him pictures of myself? 😣

Jake exploited me!! Since I would not be in a relationship with him, he retaliated and uploaded all of my personal private pictures AND all of my private information on Twitter for everyone to see.💔💔💔 All the strangers over 900 strangers got to see my inappropriate private photos and I’ve been scarred from that. 🥺 I did not tell any family about it because I was so ashamed of myself. I’m not sure if I remember telling my husband about this or not. I’m not comfortable to do so.

I was Insanely addicted to porn back in my teenage years (I had hormones worse than any man) and I thought sex was love 💔💔💔 and as long as I was having “sex”, I was in love. without sex, I felt soooo empty and lonely like nobody cared about me or wanted anything to do with me… 😭 i’m sure that was fueling my toxic relationships!!! I used to think that I was so messed up in the head and that so much was wrong with me. that’s probably why I didn’t see anything wrong with Andrew mentally because I thought things were normal. 😣😣😣

Jake was always there though. 🤷🏻‍♀️🤔😳🥴Jake was always the one talking to me and telling me not to be depressed and telling me to be happy and have a good life and he always appeared as if he was a “supportive friend”, but then there was the other side of Jake that would upset me and yell at me and make me feel bad and then of course exploiting my pictures on Twitter and said that he posted them on his Facebook too. 😰😰😰I never saw it on his Facebook cuz I was too scared to look. I don’t know his family AND he lived in another state…… I didn’t want his family to see me that way 💀 that’s so embarrassing! however, I knew I had sent him those photos to begin with, so I took my accountability for the fact that I should’ve never took those photos 😓 so it wasn’t all just “Jake’s fault”. I’m the one that gave him the power to even have those pictures so I got what I deserved……

I talked with Jake off and on for at least 4/5 years before I blocked his number. He asked me to finally meet him in person but Jake NEVER FaceTimed me. He always had excuses why he couldn’t but always sent me “selfies”. I would Google the crap out of him!! I even accused him at one point for being a catfish and he got soooooo defensive and angry!!! Most of the stuff he said, matched up. I did image searches, name and phone number search, address search and social media searches. I’m pretty good with technology but still he could’ve been lying about so much!!!! (Manipulators be good at manipulating and lying) that’s just what they do 😔😔😔

I need to forgive Jake. Just because I was never “attracted” to him or felt “love for him”, I still want to find a soft spot in my heart for him!! Jake is just so creepy and scary 🫣 So when we were talking daily, if he got upset about stuff, he would say to me “I’m juggling knives right now… I’m so mad.” Like 😰😭 and I would text him back, “WHY? That’s so weird to me! I don’t like that!!!” He would always apologize but still….. creepy!!! I felt completely unsafe with him. I KNEW he wasn’t to be completely trusted but yet he was there every time I was “heartbroken” but after Andrew, Jake was like “I don’t wanna hear all about your younger college fling” ugh 😑 he said “you gotta get over him” which I KNEW Jake was mostly saying that becuase he was jealous. Why did he want to control me so badly???? Was Jake jealous of me??? Did Jake hate me so bad he wanted to have a relationship and dominate me?? Idk… weird. Jake would tell me I was beautiful like Andrew did and Jake would flirt with me a lot but I kept Jake at an arm’s distance. Of course, I was too ignorant back then about narcissism or emotional abuse. I knew nothing back then!! I trusted too easily 🥺😣 (not anymore I don’t even trust my own self most of the time now)

I tried through out the years to be nice to Jake and show him compassion… I mean, HE EXPLOITED MY PHOTOS!!! Most women would have never talked to him again but I tried so hard to get over it and to still be friendly. I just didn’t wanna hold judgment or a grudge but I didn’t understand it all. Plus when Cody ghosted me, I was sooooo numb I felt NOTHING for 5 months and talking to Jake was no big deal then cuz I felt nothing for Jake or myself or anyone. Not my own parents. I was a WRECK!! A walking zombie. I never felt again till I met Andrew and then I didn’t talk to Jake again till after Andrew!!! That’s how I KNOW Jake stalked me. Does he still stalk me??? 😣😑🫣😰😭🥺💔😓

I’ll never know the truth. I wouldn’t wanna ever face Jake but I would do my best to send forgiveness through someone else and hope Jake can work on himself but if not, stay clear away from me. ❤️‍🩹🙏🏻👍🏻