ruminate88

[ruminate88]

I come across videos about ‘home school’ 😂 but I have no idea what they’re talking about….

I was ‘home schooled’ but I didn’t dress or act like any of those folks. Also, I didn’t actually do school work… I was the family caregiver 😝

My day started off getting my bro’s two eldest kids on the bus… after making them breakfast, which was usually cereal but sometimes brown sugar toast. I also made sure my grandma was awake, okay and took her medicine.

When I had free time, I almost always was on the internet teaching myself how to make websites OR I was watching porn … 😳

At 17, my little nephew was born 🥰🥰 I then spent my days playing with him, watching cartoons with him and taking him on long walks in his stroller. Sometimes on Fridays, I would take a math session at home but had my nephew next to me in a swing. I was majorly distracted!!

Then by 19, my youngest niece was born too! Then I had to push a DOUBLE stroller and wow was it heavy. lol

Also… had a boyfriend I met on MySpace that lived with us at this time and I took care of him as well.

That bf and I did take some night classes together at 19 and I finally got my GED…. Yeah, I don’t relate to regular ‘home school people’ hahaha 😂

[ruminate88]

When you have emotional trauma, PTSD, and emotional burnout:

life goes on… and people still expect you to do what you’ve always done but you’re exhausted at times and struggle to keep up.

They think you’re being lazy, and you pull away in fear of being in trouble. You fear you’ve done something wrong, and so you want people to leave you alone. You just sit and cry or doom scroll on TikTok because it’s easier than actually dealing with people.

In the start of 2025, I had no motivation whatsoever. I was just completely done. I told myself that while it’s okay to be burnt out for a season, you do have to get back up!!

I’ve pushed so hard to get my energy back. I’ve tried to make healthy smoothies and eat better. I drink so much coffee just to stay awake, but then don’t wanna sleep, probably because of stress and the caffeine. I HATE stress, but I can’t seem to escape it. 😣

If it’s not stress from emotional trauma, it’s those close to me dumping it in it, even if they don’t mean to.❤️‍🩹

Also, I don’t do what I used to… back when I was in the thick of my last relationship, I was cleaning both my mom’s AND my brother’s house often, PLUS helping to raise my bro’s 4 kids, PLUS trying to please that ex, and I was in eggshells the whole time with him...

I kept busy between houses and would escape into porn so I could deal with his constant hot and cold treatment 😢 Of course I’m tired!!!! Of course I’m burnt out....

I’ve been trying to say no to people more often and preserve my well-being, but it comes off as selfish. 😝 I’m NOT selfish!!! I did a lot for my family already. I love them so much, but I need help too!

It’s okay to rest and you don’t have to explain yourself to people. ❤️‍🩹 you can be down but work on getting back up too. You’ll know when you’re ready.

6/24/25

[ruminate88]

The verse of the day today on the holy Bible app is just what I needed to see:

“Blessed are they that mourn: for they shall be comforted.”

- ��‭Matthew‬ ‭5‬:‭4‬ ‭KJV‬‬

Comfortable means not feeling the pain but comforted, means God gets you THROUGH the pain. ❤️‍🩹 I’ve had an intense and emotional day today but I know it’s going to be ok.

Sitting with the pain today and letting it pass!!

[ruminate88]

I’m sure that the reason I always create a safe space for people is because it’s what I want people to give me…

It’s been years now, after being traumatized that I’ve been trying to calm my nervous system and heal my digestive.

You tried to open up to people, but the minute that they say anything that makes you believe they’re not going to understand or that they’re going to give you harsh advice, you back down.

It’s sad when you have to hold it in and mask all the pain, but that is life for you. I continually try to believe in praying to God and give him the pain.

I’ve lately been seeing testimonials of people saying they are 15+ years into their healing journey… what??!!!!! 😳

I don’t know if I can do that…. Everybody is different, but I’ve already been years of traumatization and then years of revelation, and realizing I had the emotional wounds and then trying to process what happened to me …. It’s so much!!

So of course, you start to get anxious about life and you just want life to be over with but that’s sad ❤️‍🩹 so that’s why I tell myself that it’s a daily walk . Every day that the pain is still there or when I’m triggered and suddenly feel the pain , I tell myself I’m still healing and right where I should be!!

It’s not playing victim, it’s real!!!! If I had ANY idea, the impact that people from my past would make on me, if I could’ve just gotten away from them sooner and had less contact…. (I didn’t know tho)

I just can’t change the past unfortunately so I have to just live with it ❤️‍🩹 again, I’m not comfortable, but I’m comforted. I don’t forget, but these wounds are not stopping me from living!! I know I’m not carrying the weight alone.

I know God is helping me and that he saw everything that happened and everything that’s impacted me. He knows why. He knows how those men operate and why they did what they did. He sees their true hearts AND their struggles that they have, when I can’t see or understand.

I just hope God has mercy on them ❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹 I don’t know how their end is going to be, but I know that I have to keep away from them and I have to challenge cognitive dissonance constantly! It’s exhausting 😔

It’s confusing when someone you loved, told you they loved you back and then murdered your heart at the same time … they absolutely murdered your heart. They absolutely caused psychological damage to your mind.

The ONLY reason I’m even still standing is because of God ❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹 I give God full credit for my life and for overcoming suicide. That’s the miracle. God can do more miracles and I’m not giving up, but I accept that I’m living with the impact and all that they did to me and that while most people can’t see it or don’t even know what happened, I know what happened .

God knows what I went through and he protected me and got me this far ❤️‍🩹🙏🏻  my testimony is that I am a survivor even when I’m hurting. I’m still a survivor !!!!!!!!!! 

If you’re a survivor too, please share your story and don’t back down and don’t live in fear!! Most people won’t understand you but sharing your story is for you, not just for others. It’s validating your own testimony !!!! Healing is one day at a time. I promise you not to worry about how long it’s going to take to get better and not to get impatient. I know I do… it’s ok.

I don’t like that I’ve seen more than one person say they’re 15+ years into healing, but it is what it is, you know? This is life, and it’s your life!! I don’t know why God gave me this life, but it’s OK ❤️‍🩹 I’m gonna be OK 🙏🏻🙏🏻❤️‍🩹God is your safe place when no one else can seem to give you safety.

6/24/25

[ruminate88]

While, the title of this song I made is ‘Just Get Over It ‘ I promise you the message is that healing DOES take time! Understandably, you are working through what happened to you. Not everyone sees you, but I do. ❤️‍🩹

I made this song for myself first, but for all of the survivors who were discarded after being gaslit, lied to, and their vulnerabilities exploited by someone you actually loved and trusted…

Your trust was eroded, but yet, life goes on, right? No one sees your invisible wounds and tells you to keep going forward and not to look back… they don’t give you any space or understanding to open up and process the psychological damage done to you!!!

I SEE YOU ❤️‍🩹😢 I know emotional abuse is real that people see manipulation but don’t see the ‘abuse’ aspect of it. You HAVE to sit with the pain and work through it. Healing takes time!!!!! Trauma isn’t just a big catastrophe or big event. It’s often those little fine lines and all the little cuts. The quiet pain inflicted on you…. This song is for you!!

Lyrics by: songwriter88 (I used the car crash analogy)

Music and vocals: Suno Ai (AI didn’t record all of my lyrics, but that’s OK. I got the majority of the song and the message of it.) 

‘Just Get Over It’

Verse 1.

Got in a car crash, feel the impact

How do I just get over that?

Deep injuries, needing surgery

What do these people even want from me?

Hook.

They try to tell me "just move on"

I tried to move, but the pain's not gone

Invisible wounds, still right here

They just don't understand my fear

Chorus.

Well they say you can't have fear of cars

But they can't see these hidden scars

How do I just get over it?

When I'm still rocked to my soul from the hit

Oh I’m sure they think it’s good advice

And they just don’t see it through my eyes

But if they could feel this impact too

Maybe they wouldn’t be telling you,

‘Just get over it.’

Verse 2.

They call it dwelling, say I still look back,

But invisible wounds don't fade like that.

God knows, you ain't crazy, you ain't out of touch, Just scarred from a blow that meant too much.

'Cause they weren't there when love hit like a bomb, And the one who blew up your world just moved on.

You didn't make it up, no, not in your head,

Just a soul still bleeding from the words they said.

Hook.

They tried to tell me “ just move on”

I tried to move, but the pain’s not gone

Invisible wounds, still right here

They just don’t understand my fear

Chorus.

Well, they say you can’t have fear of cars

But they can’t see these hidden scars

How do I just get over it?

When I'm still rocked to my soul from the hit

Oh, I’m sure they think it’s good advice

And they just don’t see it through my eyes

But if they could feel the impact too

Maybe they wouldn’t be telling you, ‘ just get over it’

Bridge.

Yeah, they just keep talking; keep on preaching’

I can hear them quoting their tired lines,

‘forgive and forget’

‘Why haven’t you moved on yet?’

‘Gotta leave the past behind’

But one thing i’m sure of, that they don’t know

Forgiveness is a process, And so is letting go

True healing takes time, that impact’s in the mind

So go on, tell me again, Just get over it’

*instrumental break*

Hook 2.

I’m sure they all mean well

But they weren’t there when I fell

Chorus.

Well, they say you can’t have fear of cars

But they can’t see these hidden scars

How do I just get over it?

When I'm still rocked to my soul from the hit

Oh, I’m sure they think it’s good advice

And they just don’t see it through my eyes

But if they could feel the impact too

Maybe they wouldn’t be telling you, ‘ just get over it’

Chorus 2.

Maybe all they want is the best for you

But they just don’t know what you’ve been through

Wasn’t just a heartbreak, no, or a bittersweet goodbye

That person left you with deep, ragged scars

Yeah, the impact felt like crashing cars

You were lied to, used up, left confused

And they still tell you, “Just get over it”

Outro.

How can I get over it?

When I’m still impacted from the hit…

[ruminate88]

This video I’m sharing below is EXACTLY why I wrote my song with Suno Ai, ‘Just get over it’! I wrote the lyrics based on the impact of abuse but Suno Ai made the music and vocals:

“got in a car crash, feel the impact, how do I just get over that, deep injuries, needing surgery, what do those people even want from me” 🎶

6/24/25

[ruminate88]

Honestly, I’ve never been able to make a true deep connection with anyone. The closest I came to it was with my ex Cody but he ghosted me…

I’ve always had a double life since I was little. I had struggles that really only my mom saw some of it and tried to help me. She tried for years to understand me but I always struggled to really say how I felt. I’ve usually had to hide everything thing from the world.

School labeled me and caused me much frustration. I never felt smart or motivated. I only went to school becuase my dad made me. He would try to guilt trip me and say, ‘there is kids sick in the hospital that can’t go to school and would love to trade places with you.’ 😝

So I would say to my dad, ‘good. Then let them trade me places.’ I HATED school with a passion. The only two things that got me through school up until the 7th grade, was lunch time and music class. I got to take ‘general music’ in the 7th grade and wow wow wow. That was the best thing I ever did. Was so cool to learn about music and I was sad that it only lasted for a semester. I wanted it to last the whole year. 😢

I made it through the 7th grade only by cheating with the teacher’s aid’s help. After that, I tapped out. I couldn’t survive one more year of middle school or I would’ve lost it. Thankfully my mom recused me!! Otherwise, my dad was pushing me to stay in school because he believed it was the right thing to do. He didn’t believe in homeschool.

By 15, is when we got the internet and I realized I could meet people from all over the world!!!! I had friends in Italy, Brazil, Canada, Australia and one sweet girl named Christina from Holland ❤️‍🩹 I lost all these friends but also, I had to leave parts of my real world out of my relationships becuase it’s the internet. You have to be careful who you trust.

Also, I was struggling to really understand myself and show all of me. It was hard to make deep connections becuase I never had before but I tried so hard.

Cody was the closest I came … the way he made me feel like I could be seen for all of my issues and struggles, the way he shared his too but then he took it all away and made it out as a joke when he ghosted me. 😢 now I never wanna do that again!

Not that I am never vulnerable with my current man becuase I am but idk…. There’s things I just don’t talk about with him. I’m scared. ❤️‍🩹 also, don’t think he understands or likes it. Think he would be bothered by things that actually upset me inside that I hold in…

Only God really knows truly all of the internal battles I’ve had. ❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹 I’ve always believed I was different and had trouble finding people who ‘get me’. Ya know??

6/24/25

[ruminate88]

"Just when I think the grieving is done, here I am shedding tears for that ex." 😢❤️‍🩹

Chat GPT: This is such a universal truth about grief, particularly complex grief stemming from trauma. It's rarely a linear process with a clear end point.

Just when you feel you've "moved on," a memory, a feeling, or a quiet moment can bring the tears back. This emphasizes that healing isn't about forgetting or never feeling pain again, but about integrating the experience.

6/23/25

[ruminate88]

I miss that one ex I had before the love bombing.

The one who talked me out of suicide. He was the most understanding and relatable guy. I felt a true bond and friendship with him. I felt like he understood me in a world where not even my own family understands…. Truly.

That guy purposely treated me as ‘us against the world’ and claimed I was the one who ‘got him’ as well. He said ‘we’re the outcasts.’ He started calling me ‘his queen’… We hadn’t even expressed ‘love’ yet.

Little did I know, it was part of the manipulation tactic to isolate me, so he could love bomb the shizz out of me and then discard me suddenly.

He threw me out so effortlessly, as if he enjoyed it. Almost as if he got pleasure watching me ride off in the dumpster truck with the rest of his trash… I was set on fire and screaming for him! He just watches me scream.

Then he took me back later, just to give me his entire sob story. It made me feel incredibly sorry for him, and I overlooked the fact that he threw me away once already. He love-bombed me again (not as hard), but still enough to keep me hooked.

Yet this time before another discard, he did a little devaluing just to make the discard hurt more. Then he ghosted me to prove how serious he was about the discard….

I hope he’s happy ❤️‍🩹 I pray he knows what real love is. I pray he’s healthy and successful.

I’m tired of missing him when he showed me how deeply he can hurt me. 😭 (He warned me when he told me that he isolates himself and pushes people away. He wasn’t lying about that, but did he enjoy it??)

I know he had to hurt me so I could learn my lessons, but that doesn’t change the hurt… I do thank God for the hurt and the lessons. I know one day I’ll see the other side, but for now, just gotta keep the healing process going. ❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹

6/23/25

[ruminate88]

I tried to heal everyone’s heartache but my own🎶😢❤️‍🩹 this voice wow and these lyrics…

I know trauma bonding isn’t love. I didn’t know what love was but the version I knew was all I had to give to my exes. I never wanted them to feel as bad as I did… I tried to protect them and their hearts. I tried to be a safe space for them. ❤️‍🩹

My love was a gift, not a joke. 😢❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹 I miss two people that don’t even exist. It’s the worst!!!

6/23/25

[ruminate88]

I love JB and his videos ❤️‍🩹 Thick skin and a soft heart…. I earned some thick skin but soft heart? I’ve had to battle to keep it. 😢 I’ve battled not to turn ice cold after my exes.

I was obsessed with the last two but also wanted to beat my recent ex in the chest over and over. I was so angry that he watched me suffer with suicide and chose to criticize me instead of helping me.

Truly, that ex hates me with a deep passion and that sucks for me. I was giving you all my love, dude. You hate love? I guess so. ❤️‍🩹

Just when I think ‘yeah, I’m totally over it all.’ Idk… just makes me sad. 😔 Proof that forgiveness alone doesn’t heal you. I’ve never unblocked that ex or gone back to him. I never tried to bother him.

I have prayed for him and hoped for his well-being, but at the same time, I just wish for once he saw my tears and felt something. Even if it’s small, don’t be so hard on yourself and those who do actually love you!!

I daily have to make peace in my heart that: I don’t need a real apology, I don’t need closure and I need to keep letting him go free. Can’t force a boy to grow up and be the man he promised for me. He continually promised to show up more and give me more of himself and his time….

That boy can’t give me anything because he simply doesn’t have anything to give me. ❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹 I don’t love you less my guy, just angry you lied and treated me like I’m stupid. It’s not stupid to love you!! Ugh, it’s all over. You’re poison to me, which is why I can never be with you again.

6/23/25

[ruminate88]

The Cycles of Abuse in Relationships: as told by stick figures.

First, the parent projects and passes down generational trauma. The young boy believes he has to carry it, but it’s such a heavy burden on him:

Then he grows up and carries that trauma into his relationships:

He recreates the pain he experienced in childhood. He might not even realize he's being abusive, because this is all he's ever known or experienced himself.

He's looking for something different, something 'better' in another person, but without addressing the unhealed wounds and unhealthy patterns within himself, he'll only repeat the cycle:

Once he’s felt relief from dumping his trauma and thinks he’s found someone easier to be with, he wants to move on but doesn’t know how to end it. So he gives just enough to look like he still cares but hopes the girl will get fed up and leave on her own. Then he can blame her for the breakup.

Then when it’s all over, that girl is left with his trauma and now carries it into her next relationship. She too repeats the abuse cycle until she’s ready to heal:

Maybe you subconsciously helped take on your partner’s generational trauma because you believed you loved them and could fix them.

That’s the thing with relationships: you can’t heal your partner. They have to heal on their own. You can, however, break the abuse cycle by learning what a healthy attachment looks like. Unlearn people-pleasing and learn boundaries.

Healing takes time ❤️‍🩹 Your ex’s burdens are not yours. You can pray for him, but as long as he continues the abuse cycle, he’ll only hurt you. You need to focus on your own well-being now and allow yourself to be open to a healthier love.

(Credit for the stick figures I used goes to Google.)

6/23/25

[ruminate88]

I was starved for love when I met my husband. I was trying so hard to be in ‘no contact’ with my last ex and I was very confused too.

My husband appeared to be the nicest guy I had ever met. He asked me out 3 times, and out of fear, I said no, but yet I selfishly wanted to talk to him still and dump trauma on him. (I didn’t know it was trauma yet. I just felt safe to open up to him about what I was going through.)

Yet it made my man uncomfortable after awhile…

My husband doesn’t want a friendship or to be dumped on. He says he’s looking for a wife and someone to create a life and family with. It was everything I had always wanted but could never seem to reach it before. I finally asked my husband out after rejecting him. He says yes….

My ex comes back and hurts me all over again. Now I’m crying and even more traumatized. My husband tells me to block that ex, and then we GET ENGAGED and MARRIED!!

It’s 100% true that once you’ve been in controlling and abusive relationships, you take marriage as controlling too…. I was uncomfortable to even call my mom and ask to go out shopping with her.

Every time I left my husband at home, I felt guilty, but when I’m with him, I’m disconnected and keep him at a distance. 😢 It’s a struggle to name or understand what’s going on.

I would have strong reactions towards my husband, including falling apart and begging him with apologies to understand me, and yet I never tell him what’s really bothering me…

Not until I learned about emotional abuse and trauma did I understand why I am feeling the way I do and acting out. The most uncomfortable part is that it’s already been years of being traumatized and avoidant that it’s almost awkward to come back around.

Yet I’m slowly building trust and intimacy. I slowly share things with my husband and am trying to be vulnerable. It’s very scary, and I can only imagine this was all projected onto me by exes who also had trust issues and avoidance.

Being in a healthy relationship after many toxic ones is frustrating for me and my husband. He’s had to accept space from me, and then I have moments where I push myself to connect and be intimate with him. I don’t want to hurt him or repeat the abusive cycles I was in.

I pray daily that God gives me trust and allows me to be closer to my husband. I want to be able to have healthy conversations and even healthy arguments. I’ve been terrified to argue with my man or say anything I feel because I don’t want to be rejected again.

Betrayal trauma is REAL and impacts you in future relationships. That’s why I always say to heal before you marry someone!! It’s so hard to heal alone when you’re a married woman and your husband has done nothing but try to love you and understand you despite your trauma.

I can’t go back and redo anything either. I have to live with the impact and the consequences of it. I have to accept where I’m at in my marriage and put in the hard work to make it better. I know I’m not alone and that it takes both people to make it better. ❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹

6/23/25

[ruminate88]

You don’t need a man’s approval to be beautiful or good enough ❤️‍🩹

You can wipe off that black eyeshadow … you can put your clothes back on and go eat something good. Drink plenty of water and turn off the porn and the social media that’s making you depressed!

You ARE beautiful without all that noise and the lies. That man that keeps coming back for your nudes…. He does not love you. 😢 A real man wants to get to know your heart and marry you.

I was there… desperate for a man’s attention and approval. Naked with my eyes painted black and my soul cold and empty. Taking selfies for men and begging to be enough. I let men talk to me like a dog, throw me away like trash, and watch me try to end my life. ❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹

Then God steps in and says, “ I can be whole. I am loved and worthy. I have purpose and an identity.” I met my husband who didn’t ask me for nudes. He asked me to marry him and then actually did it.

God is still showing me what a real man is and what healthy love is. ❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹

I’m gonna be brutally honest now:

Those toxic and abusive relationships impacted me. They left me disconnected and with trust issues. They took a while to impact me; I had a delayed response to the trauma. Meeting my husband was the calm before the storm.

Yet the journey I’ve chosen to be on now is the most amazing thing I’ve ever done!!! I’m tearing down old beliefs, breaking old habits and cycles. Rescuing the inner little girl who hated herself.

I’m relearning meaningful connections and forgiveness too. I mean, I’m learning lessons on lessons! The wisdom I’m finding is like finding treasure.

I’m starting to get back my trust a little each day. I’m starting to get back my mind and excitement to be alive. I’m coming out of all the brain fog and confusion. I’m seeing life after the abuse!! ❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹

The journey is long and hard. It’s full of mystery and discoveries. Heartbreaking truths, and enlightenment. It’s totally worth it!!! Don’t let the journey overwhelm you and make you anxious. That’s very easy to do… take it one day at a time!!

6/23/25

[ruminate88]

As someone who grew up in church, but struggled in school…

So you take away a little something from both places good and bad. You usually take away what resonates with you or what you understand based on your point of view, and then you begin to carry that belief.

The problem is that adults ingrain beliefs in you, but they don’t always give you the understanding or reasoning for it, usually because you’re a kid.

For example:

In school, they labeled me… both with a learning disability and A.D.D. (Minus the popular H), but they never explained to me why they labeled me with that. They never explained to me why they believed I had trouble learning or focusing.

You’re just kind of cast off to the side with the other kids that aren’t that bad and the ones that have behavioral problems, are the ones that usually get the most help.

Then when it comes to church, all you hear about is love, love, and more love…. So love becomes your whole belief system, but they don’t really explain it that well. You think love can fix anything. You even think that the love you give is enough because you have the intentions of being kind. You have the intentions of forgiving and being faithful to people.

Then, as you become an adult, you realize that a lot of people are difficult. A lot of people are needy, codependent, people pleasing, selfish, egotistical, prideful, controlling, manipulative, etc.

The list could literally go on for different types of people out there. Ones that are super needy and ones that won’t admit they are needy and push you away.

People have trust issues. Abandonment issues. Disorganized attachment styles.. people are anxious. People are jealous and superficial… some people have pity parties and talk negatively about themselves and even have a victim mentality.

I’ve been a little mix of all of this truthfully myself, so it’s not that I have judgment on everyone. It’s the fact that I thought love could fix everybody, and I didn’t understand why I was labeled, but because I felt so down on myself, I wanted to be there for others who also felt down on themselves too!!

(I also was the family caretaker at 15)

Which led me to the codependent, controlling, and abusive relationships I ended up being in, with men who are hot and cold. They seem to be very needy of me, but will never actually say that they are and the more love I give, the worse they treat me.

They have major trust issues and abandonment issues. Some of them abandoned me so that I couldn’t abandon them first…. Sad.

The biggest lesson I’m learning:

I did not understand the things I was taught and labeled as in childhood. Obviously, I took those messages according to the view I had at the time, but since I’ve grown, my view has obviously changed. I don’t see the world quite the same way I saw it in childhood.

I think I had small moments where I saw life as carefree yet I had a lot of big moments where I saw life as a challenge. Never felt good enough OR smart enough to make it through but here I am in my 30s still going, despite being wounded.

I’m not just trying to understand my inner child, but I’m actually relearning what it is to have real love but how far you can go in serving people and sacrificing yourself for people. Fearing God and pleasing him, not man. Not seeking approval of men anymore like I did as a young girl.

Understanding the labels put on me, but also finding out what the Bible says about me. How God can actually use those labels not just for my testimony, but to show his power in my life. Teaching me how to walk. Almost like I’m a baby again being taught to walk all over again. I’m rewiring my mind and rescuing that inner child.

You can be childlike again, and still be a grown, mature adult ❤️‍🩹 You can have a childlike faith in God but still be a strong individual. God can give you more confidence where that was taken from you as a young person.

Life is a journey, and it takes time. God has many lessons and answers for you, but you need to take them as they come; otherwise, you’ll be overwhelmed. Do you know you could suffocate if you had too much air? That’s why you shouldn’t get too much knowledge at once. Learn a little something new each step of the way.

Be patient and kind with yourself! There is life after abuse and trauma!!! I know it’s impacted your life in ways that not everyone understands, but I understand the impact it’s made on you because it’s made one on me. Don’t give up and take hope with you today. ❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹

6/23/25

[ruminate88]

You’re not going to be comfortable on this healing journey I promise you that… but you will be comforted.

Being comfortable and being comforted are different. One is where you don’t feel the pain, and the other guides you through it. ❤️‍🩹

The reason I’ve been so offended on this healing journey is because I’ve been tearing down my whole belief system, and I’ve been having to relearn a whole new one!! 

I grew up in church and I was the family caretaker by 15 years old. By 17, I’m full on helping to raise my brother’s kids, and my little nephew was born, and I took him on as my own. I also helped to take care of my grandmother who had dementia.

I took on this role of putting everyone else else’s needs before my own, and I abandoned myself. I also was labeled in school and had to be homeschooled by 14. I didn’t have a lot of confidence or self-worth. That caused me to be in abusive relationships. (I also was addicted to porn at 15 and battled this addiction for many years)

I tried so hard to love these men and be a good girlfriend to all of them. Especially the last guy, I was faithful to him for months. I went out of my way to be so kind and loving towards him, but he kept hurting me over and over.

The pain never stopped until I blocked his number!!!! (Seems like the nicer I was to him, the more abusive he was towards me)

I thought it was good to be good to people. I thought it was good to be kind and loving even when they’re mistreating you. Yet I was on eggshells and I was in fear. There is a big difference between being kind to somebody and people pleasing.

I know this now, and I realize that God didn’t create me to please people, but to please him.

There are a lot of other things about me that have had to change, and it’s been painful. When you are being molded, like a bunch of clay, often the potter has to beat that clay up a little bit and shape it, and then put it through a fire and then lay it up to dry. (It’s a whole process. Look up how potters work with clay.)

In the end, you are becoming a better and healthier version of yourself, and all of this pain can be turned into beauty. I know you don’t see it right now because you’re really going through it, but hold on. It’s not your fault that the person abused you, but you do have to learn your lesson from being a people-pleaser. (God is NOT punishing you but you are impacted from the abuse.)

Healing takes time. Be so kind and patient with yourself. Give yourself the love that you gave to all those people that hurt you. Take your life one day at a time. ❤️‍🩹 Learn how to not live in fear. 

6/23/25

[ruminate88]

Growing up in church, you’re taught Jesus was beaten and took stripes upon his back for our healing. (Isaiah 53:5)

While we often focus on physical healing, it’s for all healing: emotionally, mentally, and spiritually too. Just have to believe for it and be patient for it too.

I have been emotionally wounded many times and have battled through labels, limiting beliefs, and gaslighting.

I know what it’s like to question your life and its meaning. To feel crazy. To question God and to trust again. To believe you are loved and have self-worth, after so many have torn you down.

I am reminded that God went before us in the form of Jesus, who was abused, mocked, and shamed. He already knows and understands what we’ve been through. (Matthew 27)

He took the abuse so we could heal. ❤️‍🩹 says he was ‘scourged’ a form of brutal punishment and a common practice by the Romans before crucifixion.

God knew you before you were ever born. He already knew the people who would hurt you and abandon you. He already knew you would have wounds, and he already provided the healing for the wounds!!

Healing is possible, but God often works in ways we can’t understand. I was traumatized for years and knew nothing about emotional wounds. God knew that about me and didn’t reveal the wounds to me until Thanksgiving 2023, when I fell off a ladder, trying to put up Christmas lights and had physical wounds that wouldn’t heal right away.

(It was a reflection of what was on the inside)

The world doesn’t see your emotional wounds, but God does. Everyone and their story is different. I don’t know why God let me be traumatized for years and let me feel disconnected in my current marriage. I mean, I prayed after I got out of my last relationship and prayed for the pain to be taken.

That’s the thing…. Emotional abuse, gaslighting, and betrayal trauma have ripple effects. The impact is brutal. I’m not going to sugarcoat it. God allows us to make choices as well, even when we don’t fully understand the choices we’re making. I knew nothing about abusive relationships, and yet, I’ve been in multiple.

I’ve been on this healing journey for a few years now. At first, it was just what TikTok was telling me to do, but it was cliché and not doing much for me. I was also going through the stages of trauma bond over my recent ex and grieving him slowly.

I now understand how personal and deep this healing journey is. When I open up to God and let him be my guide, now the journey has meaning and it becomes a more precious journey. One I thank God for.

This journey has ups and downs. I’ve experienced many different emotions, including negative emotions that are hard to deal with, but God has given me the strength to endure. God has shown me that I have to heal even when it’s hard and that I’m not alone!!!

Finally, God has allowed me to understand that yes the wounds have been deep but there is countless lessons involved. There is life despite it all but that it has changed me and the person I use to be is forever grateful for this change. Life and healing is a journey, not a destination.

I never know what’s coming next, and life has many hard times, but it’s through the hard times that you find growth and lessons if you allow it. Don’t give up, and God loves you! What happened to you was not your fault! Yes, you need to learn boundaries and respect. Learn what God says about love and become a healthier person. ❤️‍🩹

6/23/25