ruminate88

[ruminate88]

The Unstoppable Need to Laugh:

Humor as a defense mechanism can also be a way to take back control when you feel powerless. In situations of emotional pain or awkwardness, you can't control what happens to you, but you can control your response. By cracking a joke, you are changing the emotional tone of a moment, shifting it from something serious, painful or even awkward to something you can manage. In those moments, you are not just deflecting; you are reclaiming your power and refusing to let the situation define you.

My whole family does it, but I feel I’m the worst out of all of them. I know when to be serious, like at a funeral. I am not cold like that, but even then, depending on the situation, I’m still liable to crack a joke or to quote a movie line. I find humorous things to compare to the situation I’m in, and it makes me smirk, but then I almost feel bad like I shouldn’t be making fun or laughing. I should be taking the moment more seriously. (I thought Chandler on Friends was so relatable and hilarious.)

I know the humor is a way to deflect, and in my last two relationships, I couldn’t really show my humor because they’re so negative. With one ex, I’m busy trying to fix him and keep him from isolating and pushing me away, and then the other ex is barely around, so when he does come around, I’m trying to make the most of his time and flirt with him and hopefully be good enough for him.

So truthfully, I wasn’t able to even have humor as a defense when I was with them, but when I was away from them, I was absolutely dying to laugh. Remember how funny Vine’s used to be?? I would scroll on Vine for the longest time just to laugh.

I feel like as I heal more, I laugh even harder. Especially days when I’ve not been able to cry or the days that I find myself watching certain TikToks and I am laughing so hard that I almost can’t breathe. Some of it is forced laughter. I believe that…. It is a way to have release. I just wanna feel better about myself. That’s one reason I started doing stand-up comedy was to combat depression. ❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹

They say laughter is medicine, and it can be. It can also be just a Band-Aid for a more serious wound. Comedians such as Drew Carey have confessed to being depressed, and it makes sense why they are so funny. It’s release for them!

8-14-25

[ruminate88]

This TikTok trend said, whatever the number one song was on the day you were born should be the theme song of your life! 🥰🎶

Ahhh the song I got was, “Roll With It - Steve Winwood”

❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹 8-14-25

[ruminate88]

When you first blocked me on all of your accounts, I wasn’t shocked you did it, but it hurt me more than I wanted it to. Almost like I saw it coming sort of, but I didn’t know how I was going to feel. You had already dumped me for the second time, and yet you said “we could still be friends”, and so I kept talking to you because I was in survival mode plus trauma bonded to you and I just didn’t think I could spend a whole week without you. I didn’t mind giving you space for a few days, but then I would miss you so much I couldn’t bear it.

My reaction was truly out of just being hurt. I tweeted that I wanted my $.99 back for buying your song you released on Apple Music, but that’s not actually true because I liked your song a lot and I still actually do like it. I just never kept it or listen to it because of the way that you hurt me. Why would I listen to your song when I know you could care less about me?

I don’t know what role exactly I played in your little fantasy, and I’m never going to know what I really meant to you if anything, probably nothing. I just don’t know what you felt exactly or what you were going through or what you were thinking, but none of that matters now.

What matters now is that I said that I needed to heal and get over you back then, and I thought I was by walking away from you. I thought by feeling bad for myself and then getting on apps to meet other guys, that was making myself feel better. I did meet other guys. I even became obsessed with someone other than you, which was a miracle on its own because I didn’t think I’d ever want anyone as badly as I wanted you … it just wasn’t fair how much I wanted you back then and how you flaunted it in my face.

Almost like you knew how I felt, and you used it against me. I guess you really thought you were all that, and that’s cool. You’re allowed to think that. I lost so much respect for you when you did what you did, but that doesn’t mean I stopped caring about you. Over time, I had to stop caring about what you think of me or if you’re ever going to feel the same way as I do. Half the time, I convince myself that the “love” I had for you was truly just a cool idea in my head that it wasn’t even close to the real thing. How could it be???

Then other times I feel so deep and I know for a fact that I did love you… it’s just frustrating. The wounds change colors often because one day I think I miss you so much and then other days I’m really angry at myself for chasing you the way I did and allowing you the power to keep breaking my heart.

I don’t have proof if you made that fake account to talk to me after you left me, but if you did, thanks for nothing… Thanks for hiding your face and for playing games with my heart. I hope you enjoyed yourself. I know you probably don’t care or understand what you threw away back then. The girl I was trying to be for you. I wanted to be your dream girl so badly, and then you would brag how you wanted to kiss guys and you were going on a date with a guy even, and you were rubbing it in my face. I would never do that to you … You purposely made me feel like I wasn’t enough because I was a girl and not a guy …. 😝 but I like being a girl 💋💅🏻

At the end of the day, no matter what you’re capable of, no matter what insecurities or fears you have … struggles, and disorders … trials and tribulations even … we all have them and I’m doing my best to get better and I still want no revenge on you even when I’m angry . I don’t trust you anymore and I don’t respect you, but if I ever heard anything really bad did happen to you, I would be very upset because my feelings for you were 1000% real no matter if it was love or just infatuation. I genuinely think of you as a human being and want nothing truly bad to happen to you. (I don’t believe you saw me as a human tho)

Whatever the reason for you continually breaking my heart and ghosting me , know that moving forward, I want nothing from you and I’m not Googling you anymore … my life is more than that . I deserve more and I want to be happy . I want to smile, laugh, dance, and I still want to continue to do my comedy and make people laugh. You might have hurt me in ways that no one else ever has, but you didn’t steal my light from me. ❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹 I hope you did see real love with me and that someday that love could actually touch you . 🌹 

8-13-25

[ruminate88]

The Invisible Wound: Why "Moving On" Isn't Enough

Part of the disconnect is just dealing with the emotional trauma, and no one else can see it or understand it. Anyone that knew you when you were with that toxic ex or even that knew about the situation, sees a point of view that even you don’t see.

When I did finally break up with my last ex, it seems like everyone is congratulating me and patting me on the back while my whole entire world is shattered and falling into pieces. When I broke up with my recent ex, he had no emotional reaction. I realize now it was his way to cope with rejection and to flip the script in his mind. Yet, his lack of emotional response shook me. I locked myself in my bathroom the whole night with the fan on and just cried my eyes out. How could he talk with me for a year and it means nothing??? Not one single tear for me??

Everyone acts like everything’s great and that I should just be able to move on and it’s no big deal. Of course, I met my husband directly after going no contact with that ex, and my husband was also expecting me to be moving on… When I didn’t just magically stop talking about that ex or thinking about him, then it makes me look like I’m obsessed with him.

No one understands emotional trauma or rumination unless they’ve experienced it. They think as long as people that hurt you are out of your life, that you’re not hurt anymore. that’s a lie … the hurt doesn’t just go away. It just keeps changing. I logically know in my brain that my exes lied to me and that they don’t care about me, but that doesn’t mean my feelings weren’t still hurt by them.

It’s not my fault they were incapable of receiving or reciprocating my love in an honest, healthy way… my only burden now is to keep living on, and I recently saw a video that said rather than moving on, moving with the emotional trauma!! That makes sense. Not because I can’t lay it all down or that I enjoy carrying emotional baggage. It’s also that I can’t forget everything. The slightest thing still triggers me. ❤️‍🩹

That’s why as hard as it is to face, healing does absolutely take time. The emotional wounds do change colors, and that is a good sign of healing. 

8-13-25

[ruminate88]

The Man in The Minnie Mouse Costume:

I was a kid who grew up going to Disney World my entire life, but I never liked the characters… I was terrified of them and my dad would get so irritated with me because everybody’s running towards the characters in excitement, and we’re running in the opposite direction. A couple of times my parents literally made me meet some of the characters because they wanted me to get over that fear so badly!!

I watched a home video not too long ago, where my mom was making me shake Chip and Dale’s hands while my dad filmed it… I did it because she told me to, but I hated it so much!!! I remember telling my parents, “Like, what if there’s a grown man inside of Minnie Mouse’s costume??? I don’t trust it…. LOL”

Now that I’m a grown woman, I don’t run from the characters, but I don’t embrace them still. I know they’ve never been real, and I don’t understand other grown adults that are all excited to see them, hug them, and talk to them as if it’s truly cartoon Mickey himself. 😅

At Christmas time or Easter time, normal kids went to see Santa and the Easter Bunny to get their picture taken. However, I absolutely did not. It’s not like I could truly help my fear of costumes. I really didn’t understand where it came from. I also hated Halloween parties because everyone dressed up.

The most I could ever make sense of all this is that I had ADHD and most likely had sensory issues as a child. The truth is, my fear wasn't really about the costumes themselves, but the overwhelming sensory experience they represented. It was a combination of things: the unnatural visuals of a large character, the unpredictable physicality of their movements, and the forced social interaction of being expected to hug them.

The thought of not knowing who or what was inside that costume was deeply unsettling, and it was my brain's way of trying to make sense of something that felt fundamentally unsafe and confusing. I'm learning now that many neurodivergent people, whether with ADHD or on the Autism Spectrum, can experience the world this way. It's a beautiful moment of self-discovery to finally have the language to explain what was happening inside me. I believe I've grown out of a lot of it, but I know now that my feelings were valid, even if I didn't have the words for them back then. ❤️‍🩹

8-12-25

[ruminate88]

When ‘Block and Move On’ Doesn’t Work:

I’ve learned rumination is when you consistently think or talk about a traumatic situation over and over without any understanding of it. Your brain wants to process what happened to you.

Healing begins when you realize why you’re ruminating. Thus, why I had picked the username “Ruminate” because I had already been through some rumination and was just finding out what emotional abuse is.

Each time I learn a new name for something, I can then make sense of it, but let me say not enough intellectualizing takes away the actual pain. It just gives you some better understanding.

Also, I had NO idea I was traumatized after my last relationship. So I tried to just walk away, and I met my husband, but yet I’m ruminating so badly! All I wanted to talk about was my exes, and of course, my new man didn’t want to keep hearing about them. He let me do it for about 3 months and then asked me to ‘please move on from those men and stop talking about them.’

Let me say, I tried so VERY hard, but then my last ex came back!! 😭😭 He stabbed me one last time before I blocked his number, and I didn’t see how I was going to EVER move on from him. My husband tried to encourage me to block his number for my own sanity, and I did. We then started to date for real, and it wasn’t even 3 months later; now we’re ENGAGED!!

I had no time to process any trauma. I was encouraged to ‘forgive and forget’ because that’s what the world says. Worse, my husband had never been in a relationship before… So his best advice is to just block my ex and go skipping off into the sunset with him. 🥹 Yet it doesn’t work like that!!! Emotional trauma is real, and I can’t talk about it because it will 100% hurt my new man.

So I’ve found ways to validate myself. To talk things out in ChatGPT, to journal here and sometimes another more private app I use… PLUS TikTok has a couple of survivors I follow that are very encouraging for me and validate my experience.

What I don’t do is worry about people’s opinions. I’ve second-guessed myself enough to make the choice to post my story but not read comments or messages. It’s for my own well-being, and it is time to put me first ❤️‍🩹 I don’t want to lose total connection with people, and at some point, I will read messages, but I’m not there right now.

Healing absolutely is taking its sweet time, but so much progress has been made! BTW, prompts: you can ask ChatGPT to be brutally honest with you AND gentle with you in unpacking trauma. You do need to spell check and what you type because one misspelled word and ChatGPT goes off of that… it will make you so frustrated!! 😩

But take life ONE DAY AT A TIME! 🌹 Learning to love yourself and finally prioritize your needs now. It’s your turn 🙏🏻 Don’t lose your light or kindness. Just prioritize your needs too. Instead of always putting everyone else first!!

8-11-25

[ruminate88]

I’m gonna cry 😭 This is the sweetest couple EVER! Given marriage goals for sure. 🌹

8-11-25

[ruminate88]

How Processing Emotions Affects Your Memory:

I just had a frustrating experience with my memory 😢 I forget small stuff a lot but this experience was rough.

I needed to run to the store just for a few things and that’s it. I was already frustrated with myself today and getting worked up over the paranoia. Processing deeper emotions in chat gpt….

Also I wanted to hurry and get all my house chores done, plus rush home to start dinner before my husband gets here. OKAY I rushed and talked myself into the store run….

Get there, find just about everything I was looking for. Feeling great and get in line to check out. Get my phone to look at my list and BOOM forgot an item. 😩 Rush to get that item. Get back in line… check out. Feeling awkward trying to leave the store. It feels like all these people are watching me awkwardly try to leave. (I also needed to get gas)

Welp, I rush ALL the way home and realize I didn’t get gas…. Oh well. I tell myself I have to go back out another day. Frustrating but whatever. THEN I go to grab my ‘bags’ but realize I only grabbed one…, I LEFT THE OTHER BAG AT THE STORE!!

Oh now I’m wanting to fall apart and I’m banging my head against the steering wheel. I start talking myself into just forgetting that other bag but it’s stuff I paid for…. So I turn my car back on and race back to the store. I’m just furious with myself. How can I forget such little things like that???

Thankfully when I rushed back to the store, they had my other items waiting for me. 🥲❤️‍🩹 ah then I was able to go get gas and EVERYTHING worked out but I’m just wore out with this stuff.

Chat GPT says nothing is wrong with my memory that it’s all ‘burnt out’, and I believe it could be some of that, but it’s also the fact I am processing a lot of emotions and distracted a lot…. It’s not that I’m not in reality, but the fact I feel disconnected and my mind has made so much sense of the past. Also, with ADHD, I’m not always managing my time well. I get overwhelmed when I have multiple tasks to complete, but I do get my stuff done… eventually…

I know I’m getting through ALL of it even when I’m frustrated. Once I realized everything worked out and I got all of my stuff done today, I do feel more chilled out. I’m learning you do have to take each day as it comes. Each day you get through is a win! ❤️‍🩹

8-08-25

[ruminate88]

Is it just me, or do notifications on your phone stress you out when you have PTSD??

I can’t take it. I’ve silenced almost every app I have because every time I get a notification, a text, or a phone call, my body tenses up, and I hate it. I hate the feelings I get. I’m sure this is just hypervigilance and PTSD.

I even get mad at the weather app telling me it’s going to rain … no duh!! I can look outside and see that!! Sheesh.

Worse, my family started a group chat on Snapchat, and I feel guilty if I don’t reply to them, but they all chime in throughout the day, and my phone keeps buzzing from everyone typing in. I don’t have the heart to tell them that they’re stressing me out. I want them to calm down and stop typing so much. Like, you’ll see me in person in a few days. Just tell me everything when you see me. Stop sending it to my phone. (I’m trying to watch funny cat videos. Leave me alone lol)

What’s even more stressful is when your Alexa Echo show randomly starts talking out in the middle of nowhere… It did it this morning and it freaked me out!!! I almost unplugged it completely and I’m still thinking about it because, girl, why are you so freaky? Why do you just randomly listen to me and talk out in the middle of nowhere? It was early in the morning too and I was all by myself… GIRL, you can’t scare me like that!!! 😩

I don’t like any phone calls either when I feel a phone call is about to come in. I tense up and get stressed out. I even got a whole new phone and number recently, thinking that was going to fix the random phone calls, but now I just got more random phone calls, and then I realized my recent ex’s number is not blocked on here, but the only way he would know this new number is if he’s actively Googling me, and I’m choosing to believe he’s not, but I don’t know that for sure.

The way you feel watched and stalked when you have emotional trauma is a real feeling. It’s pretty exhausting to say the least. The last time I got a random phone call, it was literally his area code like how.??? The number said it was spam, so I ignored it, but still… getting pretty close to home, and that’s super triggering…. I’m NOT crazy! 

There are times all I’m doing is just taking the trashcan out, but the whole time I’m feeling like people are watching me… is that an ADHD thing or is it truly the emotional trauma??? They say both can overlap each other…

8-08-25

[ruminate88]

Anger as A Trauma Response:

Feeling the anger from the abuse is a natural response, and it doesn’t make you a bad person!! I believe you should not only feel it, experience it and even embrace it, but then you do have to surrender it. I can’t tell you how long to experience that anger; only you know, and just when you think you’re over it all, something triggers you right back into that anger. ❤️‍🩹

I had a delayed response to the anger… I was angry when I broke up with my recent ex, but then we kept talking and flirting, and that was his way of distracting me from being angry at him and trying to change the narrative to make it as if I’m ‘so obsessed with him’ and can’t let him go, even though he’s the one coming on to me and telling me how beautiful I am. 😳😝

At some point, I tried really hard to move on from him, and I met my husband. Yet, directly after that, is when that ex started messing with me again. So I had to block his number, and then I got engaged to my husband and got married right away, thinking that was going to make everything better. I solely focused on my husband during this time. ❤️‍🩹

Yet I never processed anything. I just buried it deep down, truthfully. I’ve buried a lot of my past life deep down, and I’m now experiencing a lot of it. I didn’t feel the anger till years later, and I couldn’t even explain to myself why I was so angry. I had thought by just walking away from that last ex, letting him be, that I had forgiven him and moved on. That everything was OK, but I was so wrong…. There I was years later, so angry and feeling damaged like something is seriously wrong with me.

I felt super disconnected in my marriage, and I’m pulling away from my husband. I can’t explain to myself what I’m feeling or going through, but I started searching for answers. Finally, I learned about emotional abuse. 🥺 Wow, my whole world was shook. I was so ashamed and embarrassed. I wanted to run and hide my face from the world.

Ever since I learned about the abuse, I began to feel everything. I began to come out of the numbness and start to make sense of what happened to me. As I felt the anger, I kept pushing it back down because it felt so negative. I don’t want to say I hate my ex because that seems wrong, and yet it’s the truth. I have to accept it and set it free!! I kept preaching forgiveness but the pain wasn’t going away!!

You can’t release painful or negative feelings until you allow yourself to experience them. I believe that. I believe you won’t get a breakthrough until you’re truly ready. Anytime I’ve tried to truly have a good cry about everything and get some release, it always feels dramatic, and my body always rejects it. I’m not sure if it’s because my body’s been in survival mode for so long that it rejects the horrible feelings, but I know that day has to come. ❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹

You absolutely have to be patient with yourself and know that it’s not really the ex that you hate. It’s their actions. It’s the mistreatment! The constant lying and gaslighting. It wasn’t your fault; however, you trusted them and you can’t take that back!! You do have to accept that you did feel love for them or what you believed was love, but that they did not love you … they used you and they think of you as an object, not a real person! I’m sooooo sorry 😢 🙏🏻🌹🌹

8-08-25

[ruminate88]

When the ‘caretaker role’ made you special, but now you’re not in that role anymore:

When I started out as a family caretaker and I’m helping my grandma all day long, a lot of people bragged about that… A lot of people told me how sweet I was and just how great it was that I was willing to give up my whole teenage life to be there for my grandma and, of course, my brother’s kids too.

I guess in a way it made me ‘special’ even though I was self-abandoning. I didn’t have any confidence or self-worth, but by taking care of everyone, I’m in a way performing for people and in return getting praise for that. That’s giving me external validation, something I craved from childhood.

Now that chapter of my life is over, it’s like, “Oh, I’m not special anymore…” 😢 Then I realized that I’m so lost. I don’t really know who I am without being a caretaker, and that’s freaking scary. Aside from the toxic relationships I was in, but let’s be honest: that caretaker role is really what drew those men in. They sought out my mothering and nurturing traits but then exploited it because they self-sabotage. (They say you have an identity crisis when you come out of those toxic relationships and begin to heal.)

Thank God, I have broken the toxic cycles and I am starting to get self-worth. I’m starting to realize that I have to turn the page in my life. I’m still me. I’ve always been me, but without the caretaking part of it. I’m a wife now, but it’s hard just to be a wife without being a caretaker. I’m so used to being everyone’s mother that I want mother, my husband, and that can’t be attractive for him because he’s not toxic. He’s very much a healthy person and sustains himself. Really, he didn’t need me. He chose me because he wanted to because he wanted to share his life with someone.

As much as I want that so badly, it’s so foreign to me and frustrating that I can’t connect with it. It’s so unfamiliar, and it’s been scary from day one. His mom has tried to be close to me and have a great relationship with me, and I’ve kept her at a distance because this is all new and scary. I’m afraid to be too vulnerable with her and share too much, but I have shared quite a bit. She does make me feel comfortable to a degree, but then there’s still that ‘what if’ in the back of my head.

I’ve been terrified that my husband and his family are just using me because that’s what everyone has done in the past. I think the biggest issue is I’ve not chosen myself ever before, and so I can’t let others choose me either. That’s what I’m doing now: I’m finally learning to love and accept myself, and then whoever is meant to choose me will, and they will truly choose me for the real me, not for the caretaker role or any other reason.

8-06-25

[ruminate88]

After Acceptance, There is Surrender 

The way we intellectualize the pain… Yep, I’m doing it. Journaling and self-reflection and writing down everything that happened and then trying to make sense of it but most of it won’t make sense and you do have to live with that.

What’s left though is your stupid feelings. Intellectually and logically, I realize their default keeps them from treating me better, but at the same time, I love their stupid faces. I know it’s a façade they wear, and how they acted in the love bombing phase is not who they really are. They’re just mirroring me, blah blah blah….

I heard someone say when the relationship ends is truly when the trauma bond begins, and that’s 100% factual. Because why am I more obsessed with them when they’re away from me versus when I’m actually with them? (I since learned people with ADHD are wired to need more dopamine. That makes sense why I would be in so many trauma bonds.)

I know I’ve had to stay away from them and I’ve only Googled them a few of times over the years. I’ve tried not to do that anymore because it only makes me upset to see their smiling, stupid faces. I think they are absolutely gorgeous but the way they treated me is really frustrating. Their good looks do not diminish their actions. Trust me. 

Don’t be so shallow like me. Date a man because you’re in love with his heart, not because you think he has beautiful eyes and a smile to kill you with, and I promise you their smile will absolutely kill you. Literally those ocean blue eyes murdered my heart!!! The way I get lost in them…

You have to feel the stupid feelings even if you don’t have all the answers. As much as you learn about human psychology, and about relationship dynamics, it does not take away the pain and sometimes the pain is just there without the ‘how to instructions’ to make it go away. It goes away when it does. I believe you’ll get a breakthrough when you’re truly ready to surrender and receive it. until then, just sit with the pain. 

I’m finding out that just acceptance alone is not enough. After acceptance, you have to have surrender, and that is very difficult because you have built a whole new version of yourself during survival mode. It’s not about you’re afraid to lose your exes. You’ve already lost them. No, it’s that you’re afraid to lose yourself and your survival skills because then that makes you more vulnerable, and you don’t want to get hurt again!!! 😩❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹

I was the family caretaker since I was a young girl, and that role was very much ingrained in who I am. It’s hard to lose that version of me….

8-06-25

[ruminate88]

From Backstreet Boys to Being Grateful: The Latchkey Soundtrack

When I was in the seventh grade, I used to carry magazines with me every day to school, and I also had a book all about Aaron Carter. Obviously, I had a small crush on him. lol

I remember I would leave his book on the very top of all my other school books on my desk, and I can’t remember why, but one day I left my desk for a moment, but when I came back, other kids had drawn all over the Aaron Carter book, and they colored in his teeth, gave him a mustache, and put glasses on his eyes. I forget what they wrote on the book, but I think they wrote “ loser” on his forehead…I feel they were more so making fun of Aaron Carter than they were of me back then, but it was just that constant feeling of not ‘fitting in’.

I always knew I hated school for various reasons and I could never wait till I got home at the end of each day. I was a latchkey kid. I had to get myself off the bus and I would be home for hours by myself. First thing I would do is use the bathroom because I’ve been holding it all day. I refuse to use the bathroom at school and then I would make something to eat usually a frozen dinner or a can of SpaghettiOs. I often times would eat both SpaghettiOs and a frozen dinner because I would be starving out of my mind.

The next thing I would do is turn on TV and it was usually MTV, VH1 or Disney Channel. Those were my top three channels I watched the most. I absolutely loved cartoons because I loved to laugh, but I also loved music videos and of course I watched Carson daily on TRL almost every day. (my mom didn’t like me watching MTV or VH1, but I did it anyway.)

Then after I would watch TRL, I would jump on my piano and start making up my own songs and pretend I was on TRL and that I was performing alongside the Backstreet Boys, and I would even introduce myself with the Backstreet Boys, and then I would play and sing. I had already learned at this point to talk to myself and to talk to my posters…. I also had a tape recorder I would record stuff about my life. I wholeheartedly believed back then that I was going to be famous one day and that I was going to meet the Backstreet Boys. I believed that people like them were the only people who could understand me.

I always felt different and like I was meant for something different!! I never felt like I was going to follow the normal path of life, and of course, I didn’t, because the very next year I was homeschooled. Then the year after that, I moved in with my grandmother and became the family caretaker. So I was right about the fact that I was not going to live a normal life like other teenagers, but of course, I’ve never been famous like the Backstreet Boys, and honestly, I don’t care about that anymore like I used to.

Trauma has taught me that a peaceful day without any chaos is a good day and that I should just be grateful to be alive. no longer trying to have more or be more but just to be thankful for what I have, and I don’t ask for anything else, but to just be able to breathe. ❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹 It’s been hard to dream again. Especially when I learned about emotional abuse and began to understand what happened to me as a young woman, I felt exposed. I felt instant shame and I wanted to hide my face from the world.

8-06-25

[ruminate88]

When you’re finally done with trying to prove yourself to ex-partners, friends, and family…. Maybe now you can prove yourself TO YOURSELF!

That’s precisely the new journey I’m on… showing myself I can do things I never dreamt I could because it’s in me already. Not because I’ve done anything to earn it. Those people-pleasing days gave me nothing but hard-won lessons. ❤️‍🩹

8-05-25

[ruminate88]

Love is a choice but choose wisely. I do think I have a nice man who won’t abandon me and that’s what I hold on to… sadly, I’ve gave up on the ‘romance part’. I’m sure it’s there just scared to believe in it again and get hurt again….

I wholeheartedly believed in soul mates when I was turning 20, but obviously that’s changed. Now I think just choose wisely. Choose someone who you believe is nice, has good intentions and hope they wont use you or become your enemy. Every ex has literally been my biggest hater. 😭 Not sure why. I guess I was just way too nice and was easily taken advantage of. That’s life for ya. I learned. I can still be kind and vulnerable, but I have to choose carefully who I get close to now.

Also had an ex tell me ‘I’m too fragile.’ Literally that’s you, bro…. You just projecting that on me. It’s you who is fragile, not me. No hate just take your chaos somewhere else. No revenge and I want nothing from no one. Just want to be alone forever. ❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹 Some days I wish my new man was closer with me but at the same time, I enjoy being alone as much as possible. I have even taken long baths to keep my alone time going. No one is against me that way or beating me down.

You fear ever getting tortured again. You avoid most people at all costs. It’s isolating, but at least I can be alone with myself and learn to love myself for the first time. My exes are truly missing out!! I’m more dope than I realized. I’m a lowkey baddie, and they fumbled me because I’m chill. I’m fun, and deep down, I’m still a hopeless romantic. Just have to hide that for now. Maybe forever….

Maybe one day I’ll fall in love with my new man, but for now, I’m falling in love with being alone. ❤️‍🩹 Although I like my new man and I take the best care of him I possibly can. That man gets fed, has clean clothes, and someone who always supports him in everything he does. Doesn’t mean we’re in love, does it?? (Yes, I’m still in caretaker mode. I don’t know how to be just a partner on my own without being a caretaker and mother type. I have mothered all of my exes and anyone I’m close to because I’ve always been a mother since I was young.)

8-06-25

[ruminate88]

The 24-Hour Lie: Time, ADHD, and the Search for Self-Worth

My mom always says I have the same 24 hours as everyone else, but I never feel like I have enough time to do anything! The way I manage my day at home depends entirely on whether I have somewhere to be. Without a deadline, I aimlessly wander around, start 10 tasks and finish maybe 2 of them. I also need a constant stream of music, snacks, and coffee to help me stay focused and awake.

I’m easily overwhelmed often by what I actually have to get done. If I’m feeling emotions such as sadness, anger, or just feeling down on myself because of the emotional trauma, then I tend to doom scroll on TikTok instead or escape into something I find pleasure in (music, tv shows, food, etc.). I often avoid tasks or push them off to the last minute.

I was labeled with ADHD and a learning disability in school, but teachers never explained why to me. I knew nothing about ADHD, and my parents tried to act like school was wrong about me. They tried to push me to be ‘normal’ and refused to talk about any labels put on me. I understand why they rejected them. I understand why they wanted me to rise above them. How can I even rise above something I don’t even understand or know why it’s being pushed on me?

So I spend my life feeling stupid and incapable of doing things for myself because of school. I feel very misunderstood and try to find my worth in men when I’m older. I try to prove I’m pretty enough to even date celebrities and something I never talk about is the attention I use to seek from this one celebrity that often noticed me and even praised me at one point. All that attention I begged for didn’t change my insecurities. It didn’t make me a better person.

Now that I’m actually learning about ADHD, wow, I’m feeling more self-aware. I’m not trying to adapt anything harmful to me. I’m trying to discover more about me so I can then decide what is beneficial to my well-being and aligns with my highest good. Getting praise from a celebrity you admire is validating to a small degree but it doesn’t last. It didn’t give me self-worth or make me anything I’m not. In fact, it’s quite dangerous to put your worth in any man’s hands, no matter if they have status in this world or not.

I just wanted these men to prove to me I’m better than I think I am but all they do at the end of the day is abandon me, choose a different girl and leave me starving for more love and validation. That’s proof enough I need to get my own self worth and understanding without them. I need to gain my own confidence and become the person I want to love. ❤️‍🩹 This all takes time and doesn’t change over night.

I’ve tried to open up and unpack my past history with that celebrity before on a different blog, but it got shot down and dismissed. Everyone says I’m crazy, and I felt like I could never talk about it, but I know I’m not crazy. My parents’ constant comments about my "unhealthy obsession" made me feel so much shame. But now I've learned that ADHD and neurodivergent people tend to hyperfocus on hobbies or crushes, and that makes so much sense. ❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹

8-02-25

[ruminate88]

Let’s go a little deeper on the topic of ‘Masking’… When I was in past toxic relationships and in survival mode, I didn’t do as good alone. I was anxious and hyper focused on these men. In survival mode, I built a slightly new version of myself. One they would potentially accept.

I was masking in a different way back then than I am now. Now I’m slowly coming out of survival mode but still masking pain as emotional trauma isolates me from people. I have an inner dialogue that I’m sure most ADHD and neurodivergent people have, where we talk ourselves through situations and interactions with others.

Cptsd and ADHD can overlap. Making the masking a little more complicated. It’s something normal for someone with ADHD but amplifies with Cptsd and adds to the disconnect I already feel within my everyday life.

Imagine I’m this disconnected and yet finding ‘me again’ - how much more disconnected my exes have to be, and that truly makes sense to a lack of ‘self’. Even some who claim to be aware of their personality disorder don’t mean they know who they are at the core. They project being lost on me, and that’s why I too felt extremely lost after my last relationship…

It’s simply that my internal world does not match present-day reality. My real-world happenings are a lot safer and less stressful, but my inner world is full of emotional trauma and the wounds to heal. I’m already masking, so I’m ‘not too much’, masking pain from childhood and now adding on relational trauma. That’s the disconnect I can’t seem to overcome. It’s not a matter of trust; I have people in my life I’ve always trusted. But it’s new people I meet that I can’t get close to.

If I could just integrate the two worlds into one, maybe I wouldn’t feel this constant isolation deep within me. At times I can focus solely on present-day life and it’s exhausting because in the back of my mind, the trauma doesn’t truly go away. The haunting of the past is a constant barrier. Even when I attempt to accept, forgive, and let go of all of it. It still remains with me and I’m still easily triggered and taken back to those moments.

8-02-25