#just know it doesn't actually check out when you peel back even a single layer

[coockie8]

Okay but like Disney theorists know they literally show Tarzan's parents and they are objectively not Elsa and Anna's parents, right?

Tarzan's mom is a redhead while Elsa and Anna's is a brunette; Tarzan's dad is a brunette while Elsa and Anna's is fucking blonde. Given that Disney very much knows how to work an Easter Egg, if the intent was always that Tarzan is Elsa and Anna's brother, I think Disney would've given their parents the correct hair colours, at the very fucking least.

I straight up do not care what the director said; he's a fucking idiot. If "Tarzan is Elsa and Anna's brother" is what that dumbass was going for he should've made sure these characters looked at least vaguely fucking similar to each other.

No, assuming the article I read about him confirming this was accurate, this fucker saw a cool fan theory and retroactively decided that actually that's 100% what he intended, when that is either painfully obviously not the case, or it was an Easter Egg of such extreme low-effort, that it may as well not even be there.

[kneelingshadowsalome]

Quick! Info dump about your favorite blorbo!

König headcanons

NSFW content below the cut, 18 + only (These apply to yandere König as well, the toxic stuff is marked with a red flag 🚩)

Does like 50 crunches and 50 pushups first thing in the morning when he wakes up, as he has done since he was a teenager.

Will fix everything from cars to furniture. If the door is creaking he will oil the hinges immediately. Actually, he will treat every single thing in life as a problem... A problem he will fix.

He's great at math and physics and has vast amounts of knowledge about mechanics, thermodynamics, even things like quantum theory and other complex astronomy stuff.

He's completely clueless when it comes to following trends and memes. You have to explain every other tiktok to him. He rarely uses emojis but when he does, it's awkward and slightly intimidating because König doesn't know the hidden meanings behind them. If you send him an eggplant or peach emoji he asks if you need veggies from the store.

Loves your cooking (even if it's just microwaved mac and cheese). If you start to feed this man, you'll never get rid of him.

This is your classic mama’s boy who never had to learn how to cook and then went to the army and got used to the facility taking care of him so… yeah. Doesn't know how to cook but will try to help in any way he can! König is very excited to see you’re making food and wanders into the kitchen like “What are we making today?” You can try and give him a chopping board, an onion and a knife, but this poor man doesn't even peel the onion unless you tell him he has to remove the outer layer first...

Eats like a horse. Is secretly afraid that you run out of food. Goes to the fridge and if it's half full, he will not take the snack he was supposed to have, only comments: "The fridge looks empty." (It's not a passive aggressive statement, he's just worried.)

Also: everytime there's a crisis somewhere – he follows the news neurotically – König starts to prep. There's a month's worth of food stashed in one of the cupboards at all times. He also preps fuel, propane, medicine and the like.

Ruins all the fun when you're playing board games because he fusses about the rules so much. König holds the rulebook in his hand through the whole game and double-checks every single thing.

He's very clumsy, sometimes hits his head on the door frame when he's in a hurry or visiting a new place. He can't stay still either, always shakes his leg when he’s sitting. König needs a lot of exercise when he's not deployed to get all that energy and frustration out.

This has been discussed earlier but yeah, König even drops his mags sometimes in the field because he's too excited. He's a very capable martial artist though. Has done Savate, Escrima and Pekiti-Tirsia Kali and is very agile and precise with the double kali sticks he carries to field sometimes. Suddenly his clumsiness disappears when he has to knife someone, kick someone in the head or beat them to death with those sticks.

This is the reason König fucked up his sniper dreams too: having to control his breath, lie still for long amounts of time, then take aim and shoot a rifle vs. aiming during an adrenaline high, giving a tight spurt or two with his SMG… The latter just comes naturally to him! If you ask him how he managed to take down a human trafficking cell all alone König will say he simply "got carried away."

König goes to the gym a lot. Gets back super pumped and with an urgent need to make love. But not before he's had a cold shower! It's almost like a ritual: he has to torture himself with weights and cold water first before he can have his prize (= access to a woman)

Wakes you up in the middle of the night because he started to worry about petty, stupid things and then got a lil horny. Humps your leg or your back very, very slowly while grunting in your ear: "Hey... Hey. Are you sleeping…?" (Like. Yes, König, I was but I'm not anymore, thanks for asking)

Asks what kind of fantasies you have all of a sudden while you two are cuddling. Asks very detailed questions about them too. If you ask him what kind of fantasies he has in return, König will tense up and then say he doesn't really know, perhaps something like… a blowjob in the forest… And somehow you just know that his real fantasies are so perverse you don't even want to know more about them.

If you "nag" or yell at him, he might get a boner.

If you notice and get offended, ask: "Are you even listening to what I'm saying?!' König will freeze and look at you with a bewildered, obsessed stare and go: "Ja..?" while the boner situation in his pants gets visibly worse.

🚩 Would never go to bed before you've settled your argument. The problem is that it's very difficult for König to apologize because he always thinks he's in the right and that you simply need some time to come to that conclusion too. If you give him the silent treatment he will eventually come to you, gets all touchy and asks surprisingly demurely: "Are you still angry with me?"

🚩 The minute you forgive him or decide it was a stupid argument anyways, the demure puppy act disappears. König thinks he won and that it's time for some makeup sex ❤️

Has like the longest cock known to man. He has actual trouble finding comfortable underwear to fit that beast into. It's beautiful but intimidating, uncut, smooth and sleek. Not too thick but certainly not thin either. He likes to keep himself tidy down there too so the lack of hair makes this murder weapon look even bigger.

You two occasionally break furniture while having sex. It's mainly his fault (he gets carried away). He's very upset about it afterwards though, looks at the destruction he caused, muttering "Scheisse…" while rubbing the back of his neck. Then he tries to fix it while you're still there with your legs shaking and in need of aftercare.

If you remind him that he has other duties first, perhaps whimper his name in frustration, König will apologize and carry you to bed. He gives you that precious aftercare with unwavering passion and attention every time you ask for it ❤️ He's just a little clueless sometimes (König is also neuroatypical, either has AD/HD or falls somewhere in the autism spectrum)

🚩 Hates condoms with an intense passion. You're practically forced to take birth control pills or whatever so that he can cum inside you. This man's whining will ultimately gain a level that's absolutely ridiculous if you don't.

The first time you do it without the rubber, he sounds like he's about to cry. He tells you a hundred times how good it feels, and won't pull out until he grows soft and is kind of forced to do so. For a man who's never even heard of a breeding kink, he seems vehement about keeping his load inside you.

🚩Grunts and whispers loving but obsessive things in your ear while making love to you. You're mine, Say it, Promise that you're mine, I don't want to live without you, Why do you feel so good? at first… but as he approaches his peak, König switches to German. You have no clue what he’s saying, but from the way he spits those sentences through gritted teeth you get the feeling that it must be something desperate and that perhaps it's a blessing you don't understand his native tongue...

🚩🚩If you leave your phone on the table he tries to stalk it and check the notifications. He's so jealous it's unreal, if he sees you receive a message from some other guy König will start a circus. He needs to know all about your connection with this man. After that, he wants you to go through your contacts and show him how many guys there are and tell him what your affiliations are with them. If you're on social media König wants to go through your friends/those you follow. You have to give an account who they are and why you follow them.

🚩🚩🚩 You get a feeling he's forming a list of people he has to kill if you don't tell him they're just a cousin or something 💀

[mediumsizedpidegon]

I feel like naruto doesn't get into the fact that naruto had literally no one give a shit about him until like. iruka-sensei? And sure, he was in an orphanage but then we learn that he's had the APARTMENT HE LIVES ALONE IN AS A TWELVE YEAR OLD CHILD THAT THE ENTIRE VILLAGE DESPISES since he was 4 or 5 i think (i will not check this. the timeline of naruto is dumb and makes me cry). and even in orphanage it isn't like the staff there were treating him right. why else would be given his own apartment by the hokage when he's four? i know they let sasuke stay in the house of his dead family and let itty bitty kakashi live alone after his father died but they are The Last Loyal Uchiha and a prodigy respectively. the rules are different compared to naruto himself, i believe.

Like, yeah– Naruto is loud and brash because he wants attention– and never has it unless he provokes others– and almost certainly neurodivergent (I think he has ADHD and depression). He doesn't know any of the theory behind being a shinobi, doesn't even know what chakra is. But Naruto has been criminally neglected, socially isolated and if not physically abused by some people in the village then certainly threatened with it often at the least. I'm more on the side that says that the ANBU can't stop everything and that by ditching them all the time Naruto actually ends up in more Very Bad situations but that aside:

I genuinely believe that Naruto would not know how to read when canon started. I think he doesn't how to use a washing machine (he washes his clothes in the Naka river because no laudromats will accept him). I think he holds his chopsticks wrong. I think he has half-picked up ANBU handsigns and how to mimic other people's voices to an eerie degree but he doesn't know a single thing about nutrition besides what can be obviously observed and tested (ie, if I don't eat something green at least once a week my body will Not Like It). I think he doesn't know ANYTHING about medical care except "if it's popped out, shove it back in the socket," or "wrap it in cloth scraps."

He's can be so quiet and stealthy that the ANBU lose sight and sound of him but he doesn't think unconditional love exists. Or at least, not for him.

I desperately want to see more of a Naruto that is brash and loud and loving and hopeful, yes, but also, once you peel back some layers, extremely eerie. Naruto is an orphan that raised himself in a village that would leave him dead in a ditch at the first opportunity: he is a child that raised himself in enemy territory. He is a child seen as a beast to the ordinary and a weapon to the higher ups. and do you know what people do to beasts and weapons that are unruly and too smart or lazy and useless? they put them down.

there is no way that Naruto is unaware of this. he's a child, but children can be perceptive and Naruto has to be to survive. And it's not like the village is being subtle. so. I want to see a Naruto that is so so aware that the ANBU are both to protect him and destroy him, that the hokage might hesitate, but no one else will. So: here is Naruto, who is a child who is a monster who doesn't want to be put down. who has to be cheerful and stupid and harmless enough to not be a threat, and strong and naive enough to not be useless.

just. just. a Naruto that has had to learn everything on his own, through trial and error, people-watching and his own common sense (naruto's sense is NOT common). And he's good at it because he has to be. He's a mimic through and through– he learns much from the ANBU and the vendors in their market stalls and the conversations that families share with each other. But the problem with being the outsider looking in is that sometimes you fail to see the context. meaning that Naruto has a SHIT TON of just. objective incorrect ideas of why certain things are the way they are. and it's not his fault– his conclusions are completely logical with what he has on hand, but the point is that he doesn't have all the information and he never does, on the outside. meaning: Naruto is a walking talking version of using the wrong equation on your math test and getting the right answer. he has to reverse engineer all this shit! and especially when it comes to jutsu, what's behind the product isn't obvious.

and now we come to the reason i actually made this post. the ridiculous, funny misconceptions i have headcanoned that naruto has, not the heartbreaking rage enducing ones.

the raw meat shame tax. so naruto eats raw meat (because no one has told him that eating raw meat = becoming ill, but he has kurama to take care of that anyway) if he's hungry enough or can't be bothered to cook it. but one time someone came across him during raw meat mealtime and reacted in horror and disgust. then naruto notices that sushi is like. super expensive despite how easy it is to catch fish and that cooked fish is cheaper as well in restaurants. SO naruto comes to the conclusion that eating raw meat must be shameful and taboo and something that can only be done alone or with close family in private BUT people like playing with the taboo so you can have sushi (which has non-raw meat elements to make it less scandalous) at restaurants AS LONG AS you pay an 'eating raw meat in public' tax. this is my most ridiculous headcanon and i love it to bits. like. i believe that out of all of the funny misconceptions naruto has, THIS is the one that is so baffling that it makes sakura just. give up. she leaves the room and walks directly into the Naka river.

what??? is?? the??? difference?? between?? girl?? and?? boy??? look. naruto knows that people can have different equipment: he lives in a bad part of town and is constantly eavesdropping on people. he doesn't just know that people have different equipment, he knows what sex is by the time he's 6. but naruto thinks that it can't be based on that because it's too stupid. like, if it were based on that, why would people cover up that part of themselves and treat it like taboo in public? it would make it really hard to tell who's a girl and who's a boy. naruto keeps coming up with shit and then disproving it over the years and is still unsure. but he nows knows he CANNOT ask people whether they're a boy or a girl because they will get mad.

which leads into clothes/hair aren't gender-specific but they ARE clan or occupation specific. Naruto does show up to class wearing dresses on multiple occasions and doesn't understand why Ino is extra mad at him those times. However the first time he sees someone with a haircut similar to sasuke's he's like 'that's not allowed! he's not part of your clan!' and it takes two hours to for sasuke to find out what the fuck dobe was talking about–

doesn't know what a library due date is. the library doesn't know who stole all the various craft/cooking books that have illustrated steps but they're never getting them back.

unintentional poison eating. naruto's cooking is.... so poisonous. he has eaten everything that looks like it could be eaten in the forest and if it doesn't make him sick then he deems him safe. there are SO many things that naruto forages that would straight up kill anybody else. naruto tries to share his food with team 7 one time because that's love and care babyyy!! and then there's ten minutes of screaming where sasuke and sakura genuinely think this was a murder attempt.

if someone leaves stuff unattended in public for more than half an hour then it's up for grabs and no longer stealing. this is how he gets most of his plants. and his bags. and his winter jacket. also his shoes. this is also how he garners even more hate from the village.

anyone above the age of seven can budget, haggle and save money. Naruto has been living on his own since he was four and he's been in charge of his own budget since then. he is merciless with money because he has to be and thinks that it is a normal thing for children to be capable of since he's doing it just fine after some trial and error. Naruto grudgingly thinks kakashi is smart for trying to foist the bill for ramen off on him every time by disappearing (good way to save money– don't be there when the bill arrives) but ALL of that goodwill evaporates when they go on a mission and kakashi spends the whole budget in the first week. also the image of naruto talking about finances with his teammates in a 'you know how it is' manner in and getting blank fucking stares back is hysterical. however sasuke is in legitimate danger of naruto dragging him through budget boot camp if naruto finds out that sasuke, the fucking clan head-in-waiting of the uchiha, is filthy rich and doesn't know anything about money.

there are three sets of teeth and if you lose an adult tooth you grow it back. this is (unintentionally) kurama's fault actually. naruto ends up with three sets of teeth: useless little baby teeth that he have fully lost by 6, child teeth (which are actually human adult teeth) that are fully lost by 12 and then "adult teeth." "Adult teeth" are nightmarish and are somewhere in between fox and human teeth. and if he loses an adult tooth naruto will grow it back sometime between a week and a month after he lost it.

team seven has never been more confused.

[hegoeshardasfuck]

you got something i need, kind of dangerous (and i'm losing control, i'm not used to this)

wordcount: 2.1K

tags: omegaverse, beta Sasuke, Alpha/Omega Naruto, feral behavior, consensual but not safe or sane, rough sex, blood, size difference, fluff and smut, porn without plot, passing out during sex, aftercare, background polyamory

synopsis: Sasuke finally gets a chance to fuck around and find out when Naruto's losing himself to the grips of Kurama, and he almost regrets it when he wakes up bandaged

note: sasunaru with a side of sasusakunaru for good measure, sakura does not get laid, sorry guys. im still really happy with how this one turned out actually, so I hope you all enjoy too, and consider dropping a like or checking the Ao3 port if you do.

https://archiveofourown.org/works/53180320

There's this thing that happens to Sasuke whenever the seal cracks and Naruto gets big. Tails shooting from his pelvis and thrashing about despite their disproportionate size and weight to his body, his pupils slit and those whisker like markings on his face darken and define. He goes animal, body morphing just three steps further from human and three steps closer to Kurama, mind peeled back to a fight or flight model with nothing but the barest recognition of friend or foe.

And if nothing else in the world could get Sasuke truly hot and bothered it would be watching Naruto fucking lose it, he's gotten better at controlling it over the years, but there's still error. There are still days where something goes wrong to a degree that if Sasuke were innocent he would find unreal, and on those days Naruto gets big. The tails he'd quelled all sprout up and his body shifts and his fangs grow out and Sasuke shudders as he watches his mate utterly eviscerate whoever stands in their way. Watching as the Alpha spirit that Kurama carries around swiftly overtakes ever single Omega sensibility that Naruto grew into despite the fiery innards he was never afraid to wield.

Today, is very, very close to one of those days- the only difference being that Sasuke told Naruto he wanted to have sex while the seal was chipping away.

Clawed hands, dripping with blood and viscera that shot up his arms and splattered across his body near comically, gently hold Sasuke's face. The fox demon has to hunch just a bit to be close to face to face with his mate, he still tilts the ravenettes head up. He's oozing a scent of domination that the Beta goes weak legged under, breathing heavy and face red. Naruto grins, all sharp teeth and a tongue brushing over those pearly fangs, he taps his claws along arteries in time with Sasuke's heartbeat

A swath of tails curls along a leg as he goes to walk a circle around the Uchiha, stance low and feral but his cognition is higher than it should be. The demon and the human in agreement just this once when it came to how to treat Sasuke, Naruto letting Kurama cage up the Omega to let the Alpha run wild and free. He takes deep huffs of Sasuke's scent, catching the depth of it all, each facet he can pick up.

Fear and arousal and impatience, it all comes off strong. Even more so when Naruto nips at a scent gland and a few tails swipe along what little skin Sasuke shows. The ravenette shudders and falls back against Naruto a bit, razor sharp fangs tracing along his throat in a manner that's much more feral than sexual. It's the same difference to Sasuke, animal, sensual, intent to kill, intent to seduce- he'll misinterpret because he knows that the demon is holding onto Naruto's Omega at the moment.

Hands so much larger than his own rest along the edge of his top and pull it wide open, the fabric is layered in a way it won't tear but claws trail across skin and leave blood that doesn't belong to either of them. It's warm but the temperature pales in comparison to the heat oozing from Naruto's form as more of the fabric falls off. Heavy breaths puff along tender skin marred by twin bites and he can feel his brain start to shut down over how small he is right now.

He knows Naruto could tear him to shreds with ease, one swift motion and his guts are falling out, and maybe that risk entices Sasuke. Maybe the threat of this knocking him out or leaving him dead is part of the allure, the overall danger despite the fact it's as safe as having sex with his mate whose currently being aided by the nine tailed foxes physicality can be. An ankle hooks around one of his own and his mind lurches into reality as he's pulled impossibly close and his mate hunches over him.

"Do you remember the safe word?" The voice is a quiet husk mixed with the type of sternness that could make any living creature crumble.

"Are you gonna listen?" Sasuke countered with.

There's a low hum from Naruto, "Fair point, I guess that means this might be your last chance to back out, Sasuke," The subtlest hint of a challenge rests on Naruto's voice. He hears the hasten in Sasuke's heartbeat and grins against his mates neck, "You're in?"

Sasuke nodded, "All in."

And without another word he finds himself being slammed into the closest surface, a tree, thankfully one that's mildly mossy. Nothing cracks but he aches regardless, only to cry out as sharp teeth come to nip at his neck. Over and over, biting and gnawing and drawing small amounts of blood that elicit deep rumbling purrs from his chest that shake Sasuke to his core. The Beta's knees are shaking until ankles hook around his own to stabilize him and the back of his knees don't even graze Naruto's knees, it grounds how small he is into his head ever further.

He will at least partially admit that the bulge grinding against his ass is a little bit… Intimidating and not something he planned for but he'll work it out. He's been pegged by his other mate, he'll be fine, perfectly fine. The snarling and yipping going on above and beside his head as he watches claws tear up bark is just as intimidating. Also erotic and fear inducing because if he moves so much as an inch they'll be tearing into him instead and he doubts any form of substitution jutsu could save him. He sways out a hand as a test and the heel of Naruto's palm grounds into it, pain rips through him and he tenses as he screams.

The pressure lets up immediately and the nibbling at his throat and his collar bone and his shoulder stops. He pushes himself up on his tippy toes, bringing bruised and bitten flesh closer to his mates maw. It goes ignored and the fabric at his waist and downward is swiftly discarded with the distinct sound of fabric shredding. He feels blood on his thighs, hot, fresh, it's his in a few thin lines running almost to his knees. Hands grasp the tree for support when Naruto rears back entirely only to drop down and lap at the wounds, poised in a feral manner with his tails swaying ever so happily.

It gives Sasuke time to breath if nothing else, even with a tongue pressed against his wounds and lapping at them desperately for his ichor. His breathing is labored and his body is aching, he was not ready for this, at all- but if he isn't loving every single second of it. The Beta and Omega dynamic he's had with Naruto for so long being flipped on it's head is a welcome change, even if it leaves him wrapped in bandages and slamming back pain meds in the long run. The rough texture of a tongue along his thigh is swiftly accompanied by hands tightly gripping his ankles to keep him upright.

Or not, he quickly decides when his feet are being tugged out from under him, shoulder slamming against the tree. It tears a yelp out of him even more so as hands grasp his hips and raise him up, his knees scrape against the ground the same way his face scrapes against the tree. Heavy breathes hit the back of his throat as tails coil around his body with a mind of their own to ground him in one spot, no backing out now.

"Ready?" It's a rhetorical question because if Sasuke isn't ready then he won't have time to get ready. His body is bracketed as the weight of his mates cock rests just above him, he's shaking, just a bit nervous.

Sasuke nodded, "I'm ready."

Claws, razor sharp and the blood now cooled, trace up the front of Sasuke's throat. His head tilts back along the pressure to avoid punctuation, hot breath resting along his ear and he moans quietly. Naruto is panting just a bit, excitement coursing through him, "Good."

There is no easing into it, a few swift motions and the weight of Naruto's body is pinning him down. Pressing his bones closer to the fracturing point, he cries out in a pleasure that's carefully decorated with stinging pain. His fingers dig into the dirt as he leans his torso further against the tree for a support the tails are failing to give. His core quakes in twitchy tremors as he tries to keep his knees from giving. He swears his heart might be pushed out of his chest and he feels like he can't breath in enough even though he knows his mind is playing tricks on him.

His body was not built for this, he's a Beta. He's built for Alpha's of average stature and soothing Omega's in heat without having to fuck them. He's been trained in lethal combat and jutsu's of varying origin, he taught himself how to fit into a puzzle with three pieces. He couldn't learn how to be the right rank or the right piece or the right person for an Alpha infused with the nine tailed demon, hell, he doubts anything could morph him into the right thing.

So he lets those stinging pierces of pain followed by pleasure's he doubts Naruto will ever let him relieve hit him with every thrust. His body lurches each time but is never allowed to hit the ground at any given moment. Every inch of his skin tingles and his eyes start to blur as he stares down at the ground, lips permanently parted and panting. He shifts a hand and the tails give so he can place it atop one so much larger, then he drops to his side, mostly his upper half.

His breathing is heavy and short, body resting against Naruto and the tree alike. The pace doesn't slow even for a second and he's too busy trying to shock himself into realizing he has enough air in his lungs to make any noise aside from panting and choked yowls and keens. A sense of panic shoots through him when he realizes the pressure slamming against his rim is a knot. That was not supposed to be part of the equation at all, but he braces himself and digs blunted nails into the back of Naruto's hand.

And before he can open his mouth to scream he's blacking out and fully dropping to the ground. He can hear himself hit the dirt and feel his balance spiral out of control before he's truly out cold.

===

Sasuke wakes up to the feeling of bandages on his thighs and his hand and his guts feel all rearranged. He gives a groan as he tries to sit up and everything aches more than he thought possible. He feels a weight against his side, the one that wasn't resting on the tree, and glances over to find Naruto nestled against him. Even in his sleep he reeks of stress but any Alpha pheromones he could've given off are completely replaced by that of an Omega's.

Sakura is sitting down beside their shared bed and she's asleep, crooked awkwardly but slowly coming too. She takes a look at Sasuke before a yawn slips out. She stretches her arms above her head, "The second he snapped out of it he wouldn't leave your side," She rubs her eyes slowly, trying to shake off the residual sleepiness.

"Is he okay?" Sasuke asked and Sakura just looks shocked at the statement, "Emotionally, I mean."

Sakura shrugged, "He did most of the cleanup and bandaging, probably helped his stress. Are you hungry? Or thirsty?" She gives a nervous laugh, "You were out cold when Naruto carried you back, dead to the world, wouldn't wake up at all."

Sasuke gives a low sort of grumble in response, "I'm fine," He splays out his sore arm, "Here, now."

The Haruno gladly takes her place next to Sasuke, sitting up more than he is and twirling his jet black hair between her lithe fingers. He nearly purrs at the gentle touch, a stark contrast to the previous rough treatment that knocked him out. And aside from the throbbing ache in his lower half he'd consider the event to be worth repeating.

He'll just bring Sakura with him next time to take the brunt of it.