#just know my aim here is not to say puss ''deserves'' any of this

[calypsolemon]

I have created an au that is so self indulgent. It is called "Starboots"

the tl;dr is that Puss made the wish for his 8 other lives back, and the Star decides to interpret that desire... liberally, to say the least. Longer explanation is under the cut.

The Star, in reaction to Puss's selfish desire, decides to grant his wish by imbuing him with its own power. This creates eight extra "lives" for him, but simultaneously binds him to itself and the Dark Forest, making him the a new immortal embodiment of the Wishing Star. He can only return to his 9th mortal life by granting eight true wishes; Peering into the hearts of people who enter the forest, creating paths for them that will heal their hurts and leading them to the things they truly need. Essentially, by giving others a new lease on life, he gives up his own, one by one.

The only way he can communicate with the outside world is via the map, with the exception of Death. Though their conversations over time become less hostile and more introspective, the wolf is a constant reminder to Puss that even if he manages to escape his fate of being the Star, Death will still pursue him in the end.

Kitty and Perrito are not aware of what happened to Puss, only that he made the wish and then they woke up somewhere else, with the map missing and the entrance to the Dark Forest having vanished. In their time away from Puss they become very close, forming a "crime duo" in which Perrito uses his friendly demeanor and smooth talking to gain intel, and Kitty does most of the sneaking and stealing. The only tension in their relationship is when they talk about Puss. Kitty believes he ran after the wish was made, and she wants nothing to do with him anymore for it. Perrito does not agree, and secretly searches for map in the hopes of finding any lead. Which he finally gets a whiff of 8 years later...

There's more stuff but I am still developing some aspects of the au. Just know my aim is to examine the concept of "selflessness", and explore what it means for a life to have value.

[falcor-thee-luck-dragon]

Forgive, But First Fun - Nandor x f(vampire) reader

Summary: After getting left behind to fight off a pack of werewolves on your own, now mad at Nandor, you and Nadja have decided a little night out couldn’t hurt.

Warning: slight angst, fluff, fun times, and a tiny smut mention

Masterlist

Trudging angrily through the manors wooden doors, face stern and almost scary enough to put the fear of God into anyone. Your boots stomp into the large opening and onto the wooden floor boards as Gullimero, Nandor, and the documentary crew follow you in.

Your cloak is ripped and dirty as it lays in a pathetic black heap of cloth in Gullimero’s arms, your hair not looking any better, not to mention your face and arms that have various cuts paired with grass smudge marks adoring your skin. All in all you look like a hot mess.

“What the fuck happened to you lot? You’ve been gone all night.” Questions Laszlo as he walks into view from out of one of the hallways, his eyes scanning over a perfectly clean and handsome Nandor, then over to the dirty crew and disheveled Guillermo who’s got some leaves stuck to his hair.

“I don’t know.” You snap sarcastically, “How about you ask Mr. Dodgy-shit-stick over there.” Referring to Nandor who’s looking anywhere but you, keeping as silent as ever.

Gullimero looks between you and Nandor, then back at a confused Laszlo. “Oh, um they’re not speaking to each other right now.”

“And why the fuck not?”

Guillermo sighs before leaning towards Laszlo, “Nandor wanted to graffiti where the werewolves live and Y/N said he’d get caught and then Nandor said no I won’t and then he did.”

Laszlo raises a curious brow, “That’s it?”

“Oh, um....” Guillermo awkwardly scratches the back of his neck, suddenly pulling off a green leaf, “then they chased us to the park and when the pack closed in on us Nandor turned into a bat and left us behind so Y/N had to fight one of them off so we could escape and now we’re here.”

“Well that sounds rather exciting.”

“Not at the time.” Whispers Guillermo to no one in particular as he glances over at the camera.

“Huh,” Mutters Laszlo thoughtfully, scratching his beard as he thinks of how to help this situation, “well if you two dingbats aren’t talking to one another I believe Nadja needs you Y/N. Something about....well actually I’m not entirely sure.”

Perking up ever so slightly at this positive news, you cross your arms over your chest defiantly, “Well since someone does, I’ll be going then.” You grumble with a low growl at your Nandor who’s refusing to make eye contact while he stares frustrated at the floor.

Nodding in acknowledgment, Laszlo watches you stomp angrily up the steps before turning his head over to Nandor who’s now watching you leave with big sad eyes.

“Alright why’d you do it?” Interrogates Laszlo with a raised brow.

“Do whaaat?” Replies Nandor defensively, his once high and mighty aurora reappearing in an instant.

Rolling his eyes, Laszlo sets a hand on his hip sassily, “Well I sure as hell don’t want an angry Y/N wandering around this old place for the next however the fuck it takes you both to make up....in however fashion that may be. So I ask again, why’d you puss out and flee like a mangy opossum?”

Pursing his lips together in apprehensive embarrassment, Nandor mutters to himself before finally crossing his arms over his broad chest and sighing, “Because......I....I don’t know I panicked!” Exclaims the large vampire, causing Laszlo to start laughing. “Why are you laughing?”

Wiping a fake tear from his eye, Laszlo lets out a few more chuckles before finally composing himself, “My good man that is the second saddest thing I’ve ever heard. The first being when one of my many victims offered me one of their rare and exclusive Poki-muns card which I still have no idea what the fuck they were on about. Anyways, doesn’t matter, all I’ll tell is that you better make it up to her.”

“But she’s scary when she’s angryyy.” Whines Nandor with a frown.

“That’s all women my young pup, but since your lovely lady is a vampire she’s more dangerous.” He says while giving Nandor a kind pat on the back, “So uh, stay safe out there.” Adds Laszlo before turning and walking down the hallway leaving Nandor with his thoughts, Gullimero, and the documentary’s camera crew.

“What are you all looking at!” Snaps Nandor to the rest of the room.

——

“Oh my goodnessess that’s awful, my poor dark angel.” Soothes Nadja as you take a moment from your long and needed rant about the adventures in the park and Nandor’s cowardly stupidity. “That big hairy rhino doesn’t deserve you Y/N.” She reasons honestly, doing her best to make you feel better, knowing all to well the level of competent decision making skills of the other two vampires in the house.

“I know.” You mutter in agreement, your body tense and agitated as you pace back and forth in front of her as she sits in a chair, “Fucking beautiful idiot prick horse-fart of a husband. Urgghhh!” You proclaim loudly while throwing your hands into the air angrily, causing the furniture in the room to screech backwards across the old flooring at your outburst of vampiric energy. Nadja’s long obsidian hair blowing backwards as you do so while she keeps seated, unflinching.

Face softening, she gives you a sympathetic smile, “Oh my lovely fierce lioness, I know exactly what will make that sad little frown turn into a happy one.” Beams Nadja with an excited clap of her hands.

Hugging your sides, you let out a frustrated huff before giving your old friend a shrug, “What do you have in mind?”

——

“So we’re at the carnival!” Claps Nadja in delight as she smiles at the camera, “This will hopefully relieve Y/N’s pent up angers and keep her mind off of Nandor.....for now.” She adds a bit uncertainly.

“HA HA take that fuckers!” You shout joyfully from behind her, the camera panning over to you at the ball toss where you’ve been knocking down plastic bottles with a rubber ball. The stall owner cowering in the corner as he shields himself with a stuffed zebra.

The camera focuses back on Nadja, “I think it’s going really well so far.” She confirms with a convincing grin. “Relieving all that..uh....rage.” 

After winning a stuffed snake taller then you and deciding to wear it as a strange fashionable scarf, you and Nadja are wandering the carnivals streets while people watching to pass the time.

“So that’s why I never walk on the roof after 3am when I’ve had homeless man’s blood.” Rambles Nadja as your thoughts about Nandor come trickling down into your brain and nose. Huh, strange, must be cause you’re still wearing a thin red scarf of his.

No, stop thinking about him.

“Good lesson learned then,” You add with the flash of a smile before nudging her shoulder gently, “hey you wanna watch me win you something cool?”

Perking up in an instant, Nadja smiles a devilish fangy grin as she stops to eye up the multiple game stalls, “Why I would be delighted my dear Y/N, how about....um, oooh I want that giant tropical fishy with the long whiskers over there.” Points Nadja as your eyes travel over to the game stall with the large prizes.

It’s a game that requires the individual to shoot an arrow directly on three different sized bullseye’s stationed at various heights. Smiling like an idiot, you nudge your vampiric acquaintance in agreement, the both of you quickly swaggering over to the carnival game and it’s plush flashy prizes just screaming to be won.

“Hello good sir, my skilled roommate Y/N here is going to win me that fish.” Beams Nadja proudly as the teenager jumps off his chair to greet the two of you.

He smells like weed but surprisingly looks decent all things considered, “Uh yeah alright, two bucks for three arrows, hit every target directly on the middle red mark and if you make it on the bonus poster on the far back wall then you’ll have a chance to win that fish, good luck.” Mumbles the kid unenthusiastically as you slide him the cash.

Picking up the shitty yet still functional carnival bow, you give Nadja a wink before fitting an arrow in the nock and pulling back, lining up the shot and releasing directly into the first target to the left. Smirking to yourself you quickly draw again, hitting your second mark just as intended. Pays to be a skilled archer huh.

“Damn that’s pretty good aim.” Nods the teen as he watches in awe as you fit another arrow, releasing and punching a hole in the middle of the third target.

Nadja claps in excitement from behind you, “Yes! Win me that colorful fat bitch my feisty lioness!”

Standing like a warrior ready for battle with your bow in hand and wind blowing in your face, the kid almost drops the arrow he hands you for the winning shot as he practically swoons.

“Get those scissors ready, that fish is mine.” You growl in determination while picturing Nandor’s head as the final target, drawing back, you let the arrow fly straight into the bonus target. Winning Nadja her giant fish plushy.

“Yessss!” Shouts Nadja in delight as you drop the bow onto the table like a bad bitch before eyeing up the kid with a raised brow, “We’ll be taking the fish now.”

Wide eyed he almost falls off his chair, “Wait um, that’s the last one...I didn’t think, uh, my boss doesn’t want me to give away those ones.” He stutters out.

“What!” Snaps Nadja, “Then why are they just hanging there? You lied to us you little shit!”

“I’m sorry.” He pleads apologetically, “That’s what my boss told me. And no one ever wins the big prizes anyway so I didn’t think...”

“Well your boss he can eat a big horse turd cause I’m taking that fish.” You growl before jumping up and unhooking the fish from its perch above your heads, handing it to a practically glowing with joy Nadja who immediately hugs the thing.

Sticking your tongue out at the teen, you and Nadja turn to leave before a boney hand is suddenly on your shoulder, twisting around in an agitated instant, your face is mere inches from the wide eyed boy as he attempts to look even a tad bit threatening.

“No.” Is the only thing that slips from your tongue before your hand shoves him back, his whole body going air bound into the back of the carnival tent while the kid lets out a panicked scream.

“Ooooh Y/N that was very sexy of you.” Smirks Nadja while wiggling her dark brows, “Too bad a certain cowardly lion wasn’t here to see it.”

Petting the stuffed toy snake around your neck absentmindedly, you smile back a fangy grin, “Yes. Too bad.”

Continuing on your late night stroll through the carnival you both pass by random strangers, families, elders, children, and lovers all minding their sweet business completely unawares to the dark supernatural world walking right past them.

Although you’re quite enjoying this time spent with your best friend in the whole wide world, a low dull feeling of emptiness can’t help but creep into your undead being the more you catch sight of new and old couples walking together.

Sensing your growing sadness, Nadja nudges your shoulder playfully to gain your distracted attention, “Hello in there my black rose, what is on your mind?”

Holding the snake close to your body, a small smile creeps its way onto your face knowing she’s looking out for you, though it’s gone soon enough, “Oh you know....uh....blood.” You mutter unenthusiastically, trying to keep your thoughts away from Nandor and how much you miss him right now.

“Blood is it? But we just fed before attending the carnival.” Inquires Nadja in confusion as she keeps a normal pace at your side while the two of you follow the sidewalk past various shops and restaurants. “What is actually plaguing your mind my dear one?” She wonders with a frown, not keen on seeing you upset and in a grey mood.

Biting your lip anxiously, though not hard enough to draw blood, you walk past a couple more people before your eyes catch the sight of a small black bat disappearing behind a corner building just up ahead.

Squinting your eyes, your nose suddenly catches the scent of someone very familiar, “Nandor?”

Turning her head to face you, Nadja’s brows furrow in puzzlement, “What? No my sweet hurricane, forget that mangy old bear he’s not important right now.” Urges Nadja as she looks forward, suddenly surprised to catch a glimpse of someone who looks a lot like Guillermo racing behind the same corner you saw the bat fly behind. “Okay um what the fuck? Did you see that too?”

Glancing at Nadja you nod before quickening your steps as she does the same, her skirts flowing as she tries to catch up with you, though you’re much faster and with lack of annoying dress material, “Wait! You’re too fast.” Yelps Nadja.

Ignoring her protests you book it down the sidewalk like a maniac, almost running into a jogger before skidding round the corner of the brick building and coming face to face with a wide eyed Guillermo who gasps in surprise. Nudging him to the side, your eyes immediately fall upon the nervous fangy grin of your Nandor.

He gives you a shy little wave before shuffling awkwardly in place, awaiting your rampage of verbal and possibly physical assault that he’s certain is in the near future.

Taking a deep breath, you cross your arms over your chest defensively, “Were you following me?”

“Um, well.....I might have been....but only to make sure you were okay.” Mutters Nandor honestly, eyes shifting from you to the ground nervously as he awaits your wrath.

Pursing your lips together in thought, you shake your head before taking off the stuffed toy snake and holding it firmly in your hands. With a low growl do you grasp the snake in your right hand and hold it back like you might swing at any moment.

“You’re a fucking nincompoop you know that right?” Slips from your mouth without an once of anger lacing your words, instead do you hand the snake to Gullimero as Nandor watches in puzzled fear.

Taking a swift step forward, you point a finger into his strong chest while looking sternly up at him, “Racing off and leaving me too fight that angry bitch all by myself, and now following me when I needed a break from you! Nandor....... you’re something else.” You add with a shake of your head.

“Yes I know, and I’m sorry my love.” Smiles Nandor with saddened eyes, “I promise to keep you save from now on and fight off any werewolf who tries to hurt you....even if I am scared.”

Taking a step back, you can’t help the smirk that forms onto your face at his sweet words of forgiveness and sincerity. You know how much he fears werewolves and that he fled the scene thinking you were planning on following too, not realizing that you might actually give a shit about Gullimero’s and the crew’s lives.

“Oh my dear puff dragon,” You declare softly with a small smile, reaching both hands out to grasp his own, “I forgive you.”

Nandor’s face breaks out into the biggest and happiest grin you’ve seen since his last birthday when he walked into your shared crypt only to find you naked and holding a bushel of red roses while seated seductively on his coffin.

“Oh that’s fantastic because I was really missing you.” Reveals Nandor with a gentle squeeze of your hands. “Laszlo and Guillermo can’t make me laugh nearly as much as you can, they’re honestly rather boring.” He says before leaning in closer to whisper, “and not very attractive to look at either.” Causing you to crack another grin and your undead heart to fill with butterflies. 

Chuckling you reach up with one hand to pull his collar closer to you and a second later do your lips clash sweetly against one another in a heated moment of passion. He smiles into the kiss before moving to pull you in closer with both of his hands, one slipping low to cheekily pinch your round bottom.

Feeling him against you once again has to be the best sensation in the whole entirety of the world even if you’ve only been separated for a couple of hours. You absolutely love the way his fingers dig into your back and bum with an animalistic eagerness that’s slowly starting to drive you insane. Oh, the things he does to you.

Especially how his tongue slips into your mouth with ease while you tug at his hair long dark locks. “Y/N!” Suddenly shouts Nadja.

“Nandor!”

Begrudgingly pulling away, you turn around to face the confused lady vampire while Nandor hugs you from behind, happily smirking at her, knowing she can’t do anything to hurt him now. “Yes Nadja.” You answer.

With the fish plushy hung over her shoulder, her brows furrow in confusion, “What the fuck are you doing? I thought you were mad at him?”

“Yeah well, I was starting to really miss him and also I’m kind of horny now so.” You reply with a shrug as Nandor hugs you tighter, resting his bearded chin against your head while Nadja huffs in defeat.

“Alright. See you at home then.” Adds Nadja before turning towards Guillermo and shoving the giant carnival fish into his arms, “Hold this Gizmo I’m going home.” Then just like that she’s gone in a black wispy poof, flying away in bat form towards the vampire resistance on Staten Island.

“Okay then.” Mutters Gullimero as he looks up at the dark sky.

Feeling a wet kiss on the side of your face and neck you smile before turning around to face your dear husband, “Shall we take flight to seek out our bed chambers?” You speak slyly in a soft yet seductive voice.

“Yes.” Grins Nandor with a flash of lust and excitement before turning his attention over to Guillermo, “Hey Guillermo I’m leaving to make passionate love to my wife so don’t bother us or I will have a rat shit in your pillowcase. Okay?”

You giggle to yourself as Gullimero’s cheeks redden while he side eyes the camera, “Understood master. Have fun.” Squeaks out the loyal familiar as he stands there awkwardly with his hands full of two carnival prizes.

Nandor sneakily squeezes your bottom once more as he gives Gullimero a knowing smirk, “Oh, we will.” Then a second later you two are flying high above the city in bat form, ready to make love to your sweet Nandor for probably the twentieth time that week.

Down below the camera pans over to Gullimero as he blinks, “Well uh, I have these things now..” He says, holding up the fish, “and I am so not looking forward to cleaning up their mess.......again.”

[noladyme]

Chess. Chapter 8.

Y/N never hurt anyone who didn’t deserve it. She only took what she needed, or what she felt others needed. She’d stayed out of sight for a long time, avoiding anything that could get her in to too much trouble. But for some reason Rick Flag shows up in her life, and in an instant, everything changes.

TW: Language, sexual themes, harassment, injuries. Rated M.

(Let me know if you want to be added to the tag list.)

“Oh yes… Oh God, yes!”.

Ricks nails bore into my skin, scratching: and leaving red and white traces in their wake.

“Please don’t stop”, I gasped.

Looking up at me, he rearranged his body, giving him better access to his target,

I kicked my leg, moaning.

“Lie still”, he mumbled, and used his free hand to hold the leg down.

“Mhmm”, I responded, and sighed.

“You’re enjoying this too much”, Rick said, and pulled his fingers out from under the bandage on my foot.

I whimpered.

“No… please”, I said, grabbing his hand, and pushing it back towards my ankle. “You have no idea how itchy that thing is!”. He chuckled at me.

“Maybe next time, don’t let Harley cover your foot in glitter body lotion, before she wraps it up”.

“She said it was antibacterial. And I thought she was supposed to be a doctor”.

“Of psychiatry”, he smiled.

“Right”, I remembered. “Ironic”.

He laid back, putting his head on the pillow. I rolled over, a piece of paper sticking to my sweaty thigh.

Putting his arm behind my head, I snuggled up to him; our fingers entangled on his chest.

“Flag…”, I began.

“Rick”, he interrupted.

“Rick”, I smirked. “Rick with the amazing dick”.

“That’s… terrible”, he laughed, pulled me in and kissed my forehead. Our legs entwined. “What were you gonna say?”.

“What happens now?”, I asked.

“I don’t know. You don’t belong out there with them… us”, he finished.

“I think I do”, I said, turning my face to look at him. His eyes darkened. “Look; I’m a criminal. I’ve done things, I wish I hadn’t”.

“We all have”, he said quietly. I continued.

“But here, I can do something with this thing that was put on me. I can use it to help people like the ones we saved today”.

Rick sighed.

“That’s great, in theory”, he said.

“What do you mean?”, I wondered.

He looked uncomfortable for a second, pulled his arm out from behind my head, and sat up. I stroked my fingers up and down his back as he spoke.

“Can I say something, without you smacking me across the face again?”, he asked. I rolled my eyes in response. “You’re rash, you take unnecessary risks…”. I interrupted.

“Just like every other person in the squad!”.

“…and you’re not as strong as you think”, he finished.

I sat up. “I was strong enough to give you a run for your money, back when we were wrestling in that alley”, I said, and kissed his shoulder.

He turned to face me, and with a hand on my waist, he pushed me back down on the bed, and got on top of me.

“Maybe I was just enjoying rubbing up against you”, he breathed; and began to place small kisses down my neck.

“Are you trying to distract me?”, I laughed, and struggled against his grip. He chuckled against my neck, and started trailing his hand down my side, placing it on my buttcheek.

“What are you doing?”, I giggled.

“Checking out the asset”, he whispered into my ear, and squeezed my cheek. I squealed and laughed.

His phone buzzed in his pants pocket on the floor. He reached to pull it out; and the display read A. Waller.

“Flag”, he answered, and put a finger to his lips, hushing me.

“You heard. Yes… I know…”. He put his feet on the floor, and looked over his shoulder at me for a second.

“No, that’s not… No. Waller… Wall… Amanda! It’s too soon!”, he said in to the phone. He sighed.

“Yes, I know. I understand. Yeah… see you then”. He hung up. “Bitch!”. He threw the phone across the bed.

“Back to work?”, I asked, sitting up.

He ran his hand down his face, and turned halfway towards me.

“Waller… is coming here, to brief you all personally”.

“What does that mean?”, I asked, worried.

“I don’t know all the details, but it’s probably not good”. He turned all the way towards me, and took my hand, placing it on his cheek.

“There are things I can’t tell you. Not because I don’t want to, but because I wouldn’t even know where to start. The next couple of days you might hear some things…”, he said, and put his hands on either side of my face. “I need you to know, that this is real”.

“I know it is”, I said, and ran my thumb over his bottom lip. “I know”.

We got out of the bed, and started to dress. While Rick tied his boots, I picked up the harness, and looked at it.

Rick turned to face me, as I started putting it on.

“I’m sorry”, he said, and looked at the ground in front of him.

I limped over to him, stroke his cheek, and kissed his lips softly. Slipping my hand into his pocket, I pulled out the key he had placed there; and put it in his hand.

“Let’s just get this over with”, I said, and connected the straps to the disc on my chest; so he could lock it.

He did, and then pressed the button on his wrist. A short beep, and the light turned from green to red.

“This thing coming up… it doesn’t sound good. But I’m going to do whatever I have to, to make sure you’re safe”. He put his forehead to mine.

“I’m a big girl, Rick”, I smiled.

“You’re hotheaded and stubborn. And that’s not a compliment”, he said. “To top that of, you’re still injured”.

“Keep going like this, and I will smack you”, I smirked. He put his lips to mine, savoring the feeling.

“Just please… follow my orders, and we’ll get through this”.

I smiled at him.

“Yes, colonel Flag, sir!”.

He smirked, and we went out the door.

---

I’d had to go back to my cell; but I’d fallen asleep quickly, once Rick had led me there, removed my harness, and left me – after a quick kiss, while no one was watching.

The next morning, we were gathered in the gym.

Digger, as always, looked chronically hung over, but the only other member of the team seeming affected by the “party” the night before, was Harley; who was wearing a pair of oversized sunglasses, and clutching a tiny cup of espresso.

I was sitting in my wheelchair, though I did not need it; it just so happened to be the most comfortable chair in the room. Foot raised on the empty beer crate, I was pretending to read my copy of Alice.

“Mhm”, said a voice from behind me. “Must have been a good one”.

Floyd sat down next to me.

“I’m not sure what you mean”, I said unconvincingly.

“You’ve been reading that same page for the last 20 minutes”, he said.

“It’s my favorite part”, I retorted.

“And,” he continued “you’re holding it upside down”.

My face reddened, and I put down the book.

“Anyone else notice?”, I asked.

“Oh, we all know. You have a hickey the size of Florida on your neck”, he chuckled.

“Fuck”, I gasped, and tried to cover my neck with my hand.

“Too late, girl”, Floyd smiled widely. “Only thing, I can’t figure out which one of these nasty ass guards you’d be willing to knock it with”.

So he didn’t know about Flag. Rick.

“It wasn’t supposed to happen”, I groaned. He laughed and patted my shoulder.

“Hey, you’ll get no shit from me. We all need a little tlc sometimes”, he smiled, and got up to walk away. Turning around, he stopped for a second.

“Did you find your something to live for?”.

“Maybe”, I said honestly. He nodded, and went to join Diablo at the dumbbells.

The metal doors opened, and Griggs came in, followed closely by a dozen of his men. No matter how badass he tried to look, it was clear he was terrified of us; especially when we were grouped together.

“Hey shitheads. Line up!”, he barked. “You had a nice party last night it seems”.

We all got in line, about six feet between us, as we stood next to each other; hands on our heads, and legs spread. Griggs walked up to a grey-faced Digger.

“Crocodile Dundee; stand up straight when I’m talking to you”, he roared in to the poor mans face; as he was doing his best to block out the sound with his hands.

He walked back and forth in front of us, avoiding getting too close to Croc, who was standing at the end of the line.

“You need to clean this shit up!”, he yelled, and kicked at the beer case I’d been resting my foot on earlier.

“I’ve been told you have guests coming in. That woman, Waller, and the colonels samurai”.

I started swaying; my ankle giving in to pain. It was difficult to stand up straight. Griggs sauntered over to me, and put his hands on my waist. I heard mumbling and a growl coming from my friends; but the guards all cocked their guns, and aimed them at our group.

“How’s the foot?”, he said quietly, looking into my eyes, swaying back and forth with me; in a weird slow dance.

“I heard you went to visit colonel Douche last night. You were in there a long time, Puss”, he jeered. “Did ya’ give the soldier boy a little lapdance? You’re good at that, ain’t you? What was that place called you worked at? Scottys’?”.

From the corner of my eye, I could see Floyd sending me a look of confusion.

“Get off me”, I hissed; trying to create distance between us, still keeping my hands on my head.

“Oh, come on”, Griggs smirked, leaning in to me. “You like a man in uniform, don’t you? All someone has to do is flash a bit of rank, and you’ll spread ‘em. Screwing your way out of here…”.

A bright voice interrupted him.

“In my professional experience, slut shaming is usually a sign of extreme insecurity, and pent up sexual frustration, stemming from the aggressing party not interacting in any kind of physical intercourse themselves”, Harley said pointedly. “Blue balls much?”, she finished, smiling brightly.

Griggs stepped away from me, and stormed towards her. He was stopped dead in his tracks, as Digger bent forward in front of him, heaving; and letting out a steady stream of his stomach content; making it land on Griggs’ uniform.

“Shit. You disgusting… Shit!”, Griggs yelped, and stormed towards the door, followed by his guards, who kept aiming their guns at us until the door closed behind them.

“Oops, sorry mate”, Digger burped. We all laughed.

“Come on man, let’s get you cleaned up”, Diablo said, and supported Diggers weight on their way to the bathroom. “Good job”, I heard him laugh, as they walked away.

I went to sit down; my hands shaking, as I arranged myself in the wheelchair.

“You and Flag, huh?”. Floyd was looking down at me. “Don’t get me wrong, I’ve been with some nasty ass skanks in my day. But… really?”, he looked at me, disbelieving.

I sighed.

“It’s like I said. It wasn’t supposed to happen”. I looked up at him. “But it did”.

Floyd tilted his head.

“I guess he’s got that Ken doll thing going for him. And he’s not a total asshole. Just be careful this doesn’t fuck up your situation in this place. We got it better here than we could have wished for, being who we are”, he said, and crouched in front of me.

“Live, Y/N”, he said quietly, squeezed my knee gently; and left me alone to my thoughts.

---

“You’re going to Gotham”.

Waller was briefing us in a conference room, connected to hallway outside the gym. We were all sitting around a table that gave off an aroma of stale coffee and cigarette smoke, looking at a slideshow, that would probably be destroyed once this meeting was over.

In a corner of the room stood a masked Asian woman, carrying a sword. Rick had introduced her to me as Katana.

“She’s got his back”, Harley had beemed at me, grabbing Katana in her arms, and giving her a tight squeeze. “I’ve missed you so much!”. Katana had retreated as quickly as she could; and was now scowling at us from her corner.

“A terrorist group has threatened an attack on Midtown, three days from now”, Waller said. “Exactly where has yet to be confirmed; but we suspect it will be going down in the area of Gotham Proper. This makes either Gotham U., Central High School, or Gotham Hospital likely targets. Either way, casualties will be in the thousands”.

She switched the slide, showing us a map of what seemed to be the western part of Gotham.

“It seems the group has gained access to all surveillance footage in the area, meaning they will notice us coming at them, regardless of which direction we decide to take”.

“We?”, Diablo asked.

“Well, you. Obviously”, Waller retorted. “Police and military have been ordered to act as normal; not evacuate or show any sign that we are taking this threat seriously”.

“So basically, you’re letting people die”, Floyd said, trying to control his temper. “Why?”.

“Don’t worry, Deadshot. Your daughter and her mother have been sent on vacation to the west coast, visiting family.

“They ain’t got no family on the west coast”, Floyd growled.

“They do now”, Waller said.

“Get to the point, Waller. What do we need to do?”, Rick asked.

“You need to go in quietly, but well-armed”. She looked at me. “This is where you come in, Chess”.

Ricks eyes were instantly on me; worried and enraged.

“No, she’s not ready.”, he said as calmly as he could. Across the table, Harley was making a heart shape with her hands, winking at me.

“Colonel, you need to go in invisibly. Literally”, Waller said to him.

Rick walked up to her, and lowered his voice.

“She almost died yesterday. Her ankle is messed up; and she might have a couple of fractured ribs; due to the beating you let the guards here give her”. That last part was only half true, as I’d had no trouble with my ribs, when he was holding on to me for dear life, as I rode him the night before.

“I didn’t let the guards do anything. Y/N is a prisoner here at Belle Reve, and whatever treatment she receives from the staff here, is between her and them”. I really don’t like you, I thought.

“Amanda…”, Rick said, but was interrupted.

“Let’s speak in private”, Waller said coldly.

---

Rick and Katana walked us back to the gym, leaving Waller waiting for them in the conference room.

Once back, and out of sight of the guards, Rick looked at us all, his eyes ending up meeting mine. He lifted his hand, and pressed the button on his wrist. My disc shone green.

Katana grabbed his arm, and angrily said something I couldn’t understand.

“She deserves to know”, Rick said quietly, and walked up to me, placing a hand on my shoulder.

“Remember what I said last night”, he said in a hushed tone. “And be quiet”.

I nodded, and disappeared from view.

Leaving the rest of the group behind, waiting for more instruction; we walked back to the conference room. Katana was grumbling something all the way; the only word I could understand being “stupid”.

Waller was sitting at the end of the table when we came in. I lightly touched Ricks arm, letting him know I was there. He sighed.

“Amanda, this is dangerous”, he said.

“I know”, she answered. “That’s why it’s these people doing it”.

“But her?”, he asked, sitting down in one of the chairs. It seemed he couldn’t sit far enough away from her; such was his aggravation.

“She’s getting to you”, Waller said matter-of-factly. “We’ve been here before, haven’t we?”.

“No. This is not that. She is a member of my team, who just so happens to be completely unprepared for this situation”. I stood against the wall behind him, watching his shoulders move as he spoke.

“This is not your team, Flag”, she said harshly. “These are assets; they’re disposable. You’re not supposed to make friends with them”.

“I am the leader of that squad”, Rick tried, with an authoritative voice.

“You are the babysitter of a bunch of gangbangers and psychopaths; put in this jail to be punished for their deeds. That gym out there was supposed to be a training facility. In stead you’ve let them turn it in to a frat house”.

Rick slammed his fist into the table, making me jump. Katana looked in my direction, letting me know she’d heard me. I needed to be quieter.

“You can’t ask this of them!”, he yelled. “She could die. They could all die!”.

“So?”, Waller said, voice leveled; eyes cold.

“How long have you known about her?”, he asked.

“She’s been on the board for a while; a file I kept in my drawer for when I needed her. When this threat came in, I knew it was time to extract her”.

“This is the one, isn’t it?”, Rick said. “The one you’ve been preparing for months. The one you didn’t want to tell me about. Why?”.

“Because I knew what your reaction would be, and I didn’t have time to deal with your sensitive emotions”, she answered.

Rick sighed. “There is no threat, is there?”.

“There is a threat, but it’s not new. We’ve known about this group for a little over a year”.

“Then why now?”, he wondered.

“Because we caught her”, she answered. “Now we finally have a chance of taking them down; because they won’t be able to see you coming”.

“And the attack? That’s bullshit?”. He was tensing up.

“Not exactly”, Waller said, gathering her papers. “We know they have access to explosives, and that they are able to set them up quickly; causing great damage to a large area. The three targets I mentioned before, are still the most likely to be hit”.

Rick stood up and walked over to her, staring her down menacingly.

“When we finish this one; you and me – we’re done”.

She took her papers and walked towards the door.

“If you say so”, she said, and closed the door behind her.

 Tag list:

@gloriousgam3r​

@hyp-oh-critical​

[sick-raven]

To Fulfil the Mission - Jill/Nikolai fanfic

To celebrate REmake3 coming soon and destroying the canon we all know and love, I decided we all deserve Jill and Nikolai banging in the train.

That’s all.

You can also read it on AO3.

To Fulfil the Mission

The things weren’t going smoothly at all. The train was still stuck, Carlos was running around the city trying to get the damn thing moving, Mikhail was unconscious most of the time, and as if that wasn’t enough, the target joined their group. Killing Jill Valentine would get him a lot of money, but so will his observation of the Tyrant if it tears the woman apart. That is, if it doesn’t kill Nikolai with her, those things were unpredictable.

Nikolai wanted to get as far away as possible, but to get to the hospital and extraction point, he needs this train to move. He can only pray that the team won’t get killed sooner than he needs or that the bitch won’t go away alerting the hordes of their position.

Jill was in the other carriage trying to fix a radio. She was handy but even her skill cannot get through Umbrella’s jamming. There was no way to get the signal out of city – they were stuck here. Of course, unless you know the place from where to call and a correct frequency, but that was only for his use. Everyone else will be dead at that point.

Not him though. He couldn’t look Grim Reaper in the eyes if he didn’t manage to get out of this hellhole. Nikolai was pretty sure that if HUNK entered this city, he would die behind the first corner.

Nikolai was watching Jill through door window. She was leaning over radio with unhappy look on her face, working with tiny screwdriver. She looked horrible – they all did. Dirty, tired, sweaty and bruised. Her every movement showed that she is professional – there was nothing delicate about Jill Valentine. He’s seen his share of women soldiers; she would be one of the finest. It was almost a shame she was on the other side of the barricade and destined to die. He would love to cooperate with someone so effective.

As if she felt his gaze, she looked up. Their eyes have met – they didn’t like each other at all. The instinct – he felt she is dangerous, and she probably knew there was something shady about him. It was only fair to despise each other, but for now, cooperation was vital. Nikolai nodded and entered the carriage.

“Will you fix it?” he asked.

“I’m trying, but it’s busted,” she answered without snarky tone. They were too tired for any charade. “Have you heard from Carlos?”

“No.”

Radio silence didn’t make him nervous. Carlos can take care of himself and he’s proven it more than once. And if by any chance he was in danger, he would let them know. They all knew waiting for someone who will never come is the worst.

Jill stood up and stretched her back. She had nice body, strong. Painful expression showed the bruises are bothering her. She won’t be able to stand against the Tyrant. Ten seconds of life, and that only if she is fast enough. Nikolai wouldn’t bet on more time.

“I’m going to go get him,” she said.

“Carlos can take care of himself, scattering is not a good idea,” he disagreed.

“He can be hurt or dead, we need those parts.” Jill ensured her gun is loaded and put it back to holster.

“I won’t let you.”

She gave him nasty look. “I am not one of your soldiers.”

Only if she was. But she wasn’t, and she was marked for death. Walking out there was calling the Tyrant to come and wreck this place up and kill everyone. Including him.

“You will leave, Carlos will come back and we will run in the circles. You will stay here.”

Jill wasn’t listening at all. She aimed for the door. Nikolai stood in her way.

“Out of my way,” she demanded.

“No.”

They were measuring each other. Will she pull out her gun? Run for the other door? Attack him? He was waiting for any sign of movement.

Her blue eyes were so cold.

She went after her gun.

Nikolai grabbed her wrist just as she was taking it out. He tried to wrestle the gun away from her, but she was strong. Jill was fast, punched him in the face. The world was full of stars for a moment, but the instinct kicked in and Nikolai grabbed her by the neck before she could follow up on her attack. Much heavier than her, it was easy to force her against the train door. She grumbled, tried to kick him, but it took him almost no effort at all to pacify her.

His whole body was holding her, pressing against her, forcing her to not move. The hatred in her eyes rose. Nikolai took the gun apart and threw it behind himself.

“You stay put or you will get us all killed,” he hissed at her.

“Fuck you,” Jill said back. This close her eyes were pretty, and her body was so soft. It will be a waste, really, when the Tyrant comes. It will squeeze the life out of her, left her broken, pretty skin torn and bleeding. All the warmth gone, just cold carcass.

Jill’s expression changed from angry to shocked. Nikolai let go of her quickly and took step back. Damn it. Women were his weakness. His intimidation was ruined by fucking hard-on.

“I’m not an animal,” he scoffed as Jill was collecting herself. “Just stay here, Valentine. It’s better for all of us, if you don’t go wander around.”

She better dies soon; this was like keeping an eye on fucking kindergarten.

Jill massaged her neck and begun to pick up parts of her weapon. Unarmed in this city meant certain death. As she was putting her gun back together, Nikolai’s radio crackled.

“This is Carlos. I’m heading back. I will be there at forty.”

“Copy. Move your ass,” Nikolai answered with a smile. See, Valentine? I told you, the goody-two-shoes will be back in no time and they can get this scrap moving. And after that, he can kill them all, he won’t need them anymore. He has a mission to fulfil.

Now, this was interesting. Jill watched him with an expression he hasn’t seen yet. After what happened he would think she will be angry, embarrassed or sorry for acting rushed. Umbrella soldiers probably weren’t company she would expect while in here, but that didn’t excuse stupid behaviour.

However, she looked at him differently. Curiously, spark of expectation. Or maybe he was making it up. It happened to him before.

“Forty minutes,” she repeated and put one hand on her hip. “So?”

He had to be making this up. “So what?”

With a sigh she walked to him and grabbed his crotch. He leaned on the door partially in shock. “Getting it hard in the situation like this, that’s admirable,” Jill smirked. “You have forty minutes, are you gonna fuck me or not?”

He just about saw through the door, Mikhail was in the land of unconscious, still breathing.

“Come on, you hate me, I hate you, but this might be our last chance before we die horribly,” Jill squeezed his balls and he gasped. Her breast pressed against him, making her cleavage prominent, wet with sweat.

She dares to talk to him like that. Nikolai smiled, showing teeth. He found her neck again. One movement and she would be dead. He felt her larynx vibrate as she laughed shortly. The last thought ran through his head – but he stopped it. They were secure, they had eyes on every corner, they missed nothing.

He forced her to change places. Now he was holding her against the door. She massaged his crotch; his dick was hard and pushing against his pants almost painfully. He breathed out, looking into her needy and hungry eyes. Elite operative, strong soldier, fucking whore.

He slid his hand under her shirt and squeezed her boob. She bit her lip.

“I want to hear you, Jill,” he hissed between the tension striking from his crotch.

“You have to try harder for that.”

Making fun of him, huh? He pinched her nipple, twisted it between his fingers, getting a moan out of her, her throat vibrating again under his hand. He smiled victoriously. She wanted to play him; she is the one who will have to play harder.

“That’s what I like.” He stopped teasing her and let go. She breathed in, fighting urge to push unto him. Instead she started to unzip his pants. He grabbed her hand, twisted it and forced her to turn around. He pushed her face against the window, her breath left mist on the glass.

“You jerk,” she hissed, but she didn’t fight him back. He held her strongly, rubbing his crotch against her butt.

“Do you feel it?” he whispered into her ear, found her breast and squeezed it. Her breasts were soft, nipples hard, he would love to play with them all day. He took the time to enjoy how malleable they are. With every squeeze she moaned silently.

“Ah – I feel nothing,” she tried to gather herself, but her face was red, and her body trembled. “Are you even, hnngh, doing something?”

Her teasing got to him. Every mocking word bit him hard. Not enough for her? He will show her what has he got. Fucking S.T.A.R.S. thinking they are better than everyone else. She will get the fuck she won’t ever forget.

He undid her pants and took them off. Before she could react, there he was, pushing against her again. His hand slipped between her legs. She was already dripping, her inner thighs wet, puss running down her legs.

“You feel nothing, hm?” he whispered again and ran fingers around her clit. Jill’s body pushed against him, he held her tight on place. She won’t be able to get away. He will give her everything. He will enjoy every tremble, every moan, he will make her melt in his arms.

“Y-yes,” she managed to get out between the gasps.

Slipping between her lips, in and out, enjoying the warmth, pushing against her inner wall. She started to move with him, hungry for more, to pick up the pace. Nikolai grinned unzipping his pants. He sighed in relief taking his hard dick out. He rubbed it against the perfect skin on her butt.

“Do you feel this?” he asked aiming his member into her hole. His tip touching the gulping, wet lips.

“Yes.”

“Say my name.”

She clenched her teeth and closed her eyes. Her pussy pulsated under his fingers. He slipped them out, teased her clit.

“Come on, Valentine, say my name.”

She whimpered like a puppy when they take away its toy. The trembles got more intense, he felt her body tense, trying to get his fingers to move again.

“My name,” he demanded right into her ear.

“Nikolai!” she almost shouted. He thrusted; her pussy took him all in at once. She screamed again. Warmth surrounded him, sweet cunt took him whole, pulsating with expectation. He didn’t even have to move; Jill was already pulling out and thrusting him back again. She was riding him as if she was in charge here. He squeezed her breast again, pushed strong and immobilized her.

“N-no, don’t stop,” she begged, squirming.

“You still don’t understand,” he chuckled.

She gasped. “Nikolai!”

That was better. That’s how you learn the bitch to listen. He thrusted again, once.

“Come on,” she demanded.

“Hmmm?”

“Nikolai.”

Again. This time she didn’t wait. She said his name, over and over. Her voice was raising, as he fucked her hard, slipping into her pussy, deep, again and again.

“Aaaah, Nikolai, don’t stop, fuck me,” she begged, her body melting under him, matching his pace. Faster and faster. The tension growing higher, the build up getting up and up.

He reached the peak at the same time as Jill screamed his name. She went tense, his balls emptied themselves right into her cunt, spraying the walls. Then she crumbled under him, the limbs couldn’t hold her. She was shaking, and he was the only thing that kept her from falling on the ground. Her pussy still pulsated around his member, pushing his semen out. It dripped out, coursed on her legs down.

Nikolai sighed in relief. This woman will never forget him. Not that she will have much time. It was too bad. He would love to see her after he gets out of the city. He would show her how he is when he is not tired, dirty and stressed.

This wasn’t even his peak form.

Although, looking at her catching her breath and trying to get herself modest again, he would bet she wasn’t either. Maybe he will be the one to remember this forever. You do not meet someone so perfect every day.

Or that was only his wishful thinking.

[lupienne]

Monday Calling

I got inspired by #193 and the brief glimpse of Negan we were granted. I want to think there’s more to his life than pining over a grave - even if pining over a grave might still be part of his life. This popped into my head and I went with it. It’s not award-winning prose by any means but I still like it.

--

He could feel the presence of Monday like a weight on his chest. Despite them not having a calendar proper, he knew when it fell, when it was coming. They carved notches into a stick and when it reached thirty-one, it became kindling. All months had thirty-one days now and those days weren't named – but still -

He knew when Monday was.

It felt like her hands had, rubbing his back, nudging his ribs in the Before, urging: “Negan, wake up. It's Monday, you're going to be late for work.”

He always forgot to set that fucking alarm on Sunday night.

He no longer lived in that world and he didn’t require alarms. But still, Lucille’s phantom hands turned the gears of his internal clock and let him know – It was Monday, and it was time to go.

He shrugged on his jacket and stepped outside to gather the wilted bouquet from the stoop. He tried to be quiet, but she heard him. He knew she didn't like him going, after all these years.

May swung open the door, her worn bathrobe sprouting more loose threads at the hem. “You're going?”

“Yeah.”

“How long are you going to do this?”

“It's... it's the day. You know. I have to.”

“Do you want me to come with you...?” She already knew his answer, because he'd never taken her along. It was his penance to do this in solitude. And maybe some part of him was afraid Lucille would be angry. He'd had the wives before, sure, but the wives were just warm bodies and distraction, and maybe a laugh or two...but they weren't May.

Of course, Lucille knew about May. She was happy for Negan, but sometimes he wondered. And that is why he went to her alone.

May nodded and went back in without a word. He saw it all in her eyes, like he did every Monday. I wish you could let this go. I wish I could lift this burden off your shoulders.

Despite his extensive vocabulary, he could never find the words to tell her – that she didn't need to lift his burden...that she was the reason this burden hadn't crushed him to the ground.

“You're the reason I can breathe,” he'd told her once, and she hadn't quite understood – thought he was talking of some time or another when she'd saved his hide from an errant walker.

Negan slipped down familiar paths. His former residence was miles away, but he always traveled on foot. He was too heavy for their little pony, Madge. And it felt better this way, anyway. Walking the miles for her. His knees always ached after the long trek. He'd rub them with a smirk. It was funny, considering what he'd done to old Grimes, that he now would suffer from knee pain himself. But of course, he was getting older, one silver hair at a time.

He stopped now and then, listening. For the dead and the living. He saw Carl in the area sometimes and though he ached to speak to the boy – no... the man - he kept hidden. Chickenshit, Negan. Yeah, he was. He knew Old Prick was dead, but somehow, hearing it would make it real. Maybe if he never heard it, he could go on pretending the old Sour Puss was still lording his prickly self all over Alexandria – and beyond.

He'd put Rick in the past. Alexandria, the Saviors, the jail – everything. Everything but her.

He swallowed the lump in his throat as he started down the hill towards his former home.

Five years ago, he'd met May. A spring deluge had soaked him as he wandered the surrounding copses, checking his traps, fishing in the wide streams. He'd started to plant, hunt, trap. He'd started to thrive... survival-wise. Inside, he was a cage of bone, stripped of all life. Maybe he'd become an Undead and didn't even know it.

Then she'd appeared in the gaps between the birches. Soaked through, her teeth chattering. Her hand shaking as she aimed a pistol at him, but her eyes said she didn't want to fire. He'd told her he didn't mind if she did – but she'd be better off following him to four dry walls and a warm meal. So she had.

“There's towns around,” he told her after she'd stayed the night. “There's a city. Commonwealth. Nobody has to travel alone anymore...”

He'd thought of moving there. He'd be as non-existent as he was here. Just a body, moving from job to home, rinse and repeat. Out here the birds and mammals reminded him that he was just another animal, surviving as they did. There – the humans would remind him that he was not like them – that he had failed to be.

“I'm not a city and town type person,” she'd said, staring down at the eggs he'd made. “I've...done bad things.”

Haven't we all?

“I won't judge,” he said. “I've got no fucking right to. And neither do they.”

When she finally trusted her eyes to lock with his – he could feel that she was one like Lucille. No – she was not Lucille returning, like he'd deluded himself that the bat had been... she wasn't a spirit - she was herself. But she had that same glow, buried like ember under ash. He trembled inside when she stayed and allowed him, slowly, to coax the ember into a flame.

The first time he'd lay with a woman again after so many years... it was fumbling, like this aging man had become a teenager again. It was desperate almost, too touch-starved and he'd been too awkward, he'd come too quickly.

But she didn't judge. She stayed.

But he could not give himself fully to May with the grave of Lucille looming so near. It didn't feel fair to any of them.

So, five years ago, he'd taken May and they'd moved. They had traveled ten miles west, even deeper into farmland, bordered by wild forest. They found an abandoned house and made it a home.

He knew life again. The blood began to thaw, pulsing warm through his veins. The radiant heat from his heart drew walkers far and wide, but he and May had killed them all. They had found each other and their home – and nothing but Death would break them apart.

Until the Mondays came calling.

Negan's boots scuffed across the path to his old house. He maintained the property weekly. He pulled weeds. Made sure all the entrances were secured. He kept up the appearance that he still lived here. Why, he didn't know. Perhaps it was for Lucille. She deserved a home as lovely as the one he shared with May.

And so, he swept the stoop and wiped the windows clean. On the porch, he smiled to see Carl's latest offering. The fresh bread had a small spot of mold blooming, but he'd tear that out and it would be perfectly fine. He really should talk to the kid – the man – one of these days. For now, he filled his backpack, knowing his shoulders would ache along with his knee when he got back home.

Finally, he turned to the grave. His chest tightened. Warm blood went cold, shivers of grief plummeting from brain stem to his toes. Decades later – centuries even – the tears would still fall down his face. His penance, he supposed. May wished she could take this away from him, but he could not let her. He had to feel this – he had to keep it. His weeping heart was the only pulse Lucille had anymore – he was the life support of her memory.

Carefully, he kneeled, grunting at the discomfort. Old man Negan. Didn't they say gray made a man distinguished? He snorted a laugh through his tears. If you could see me now, babe. Even my pubes are going gray. Guess you'd say I had a real distinguished dick, huh?

He could hear her laugh at that. The tree above rustled softly as a warm breeze played over his hair. He removed the old flowers and brushed stray leaves from her grave. His fingers trailed the weathered stone.

He drew in a breath and placed the new bouquet before her. “Well, let's see. Your Monday update, Lucy. May and I are thinking of getting a dog. Crazy, huh? There's a farmer about five miles from us. Nice guy. His retriever's having a litter of fucking mutt puppies – some lucky stray got her knocked up. Scandalous shit, I know.”

Lucille gave her blessing. She'd never thought he could handle a dog before. He was too irresponsible. But now, she trusted him. Maybe one day, he could even have pups of his own? Negan shuddered at that possibility – but it brought a warm flush of pleasure all the same. He wiped his eyes, telling her of the week past, the cold melting away with each word.

When the breeze faded, he knew she had left him again, floating back to places he could never follow – maybe even after he died. Perhaps he was destined for elsewhere. He stood with another groan, brushing his knees. But it was fine. He had her memory, he had May, and he had life – for however long.

People said not to hold onto the past. He didn't.

He knew when he aimed his boots west, they aimed towards home. The now. The future. May waiting, with a smile and a warm kiss, her forgiveness a balm to all wounds.

He couldn't hold the past. But when he walked, he looked over his shoulder. The past was there – behind him – and that was where he opened his hands and left it.

He went home and he lived in the now.

Until the next Monday called.  

[siderealscribblings]

Every Ladynoir Fic Ever (for Bullysquadess)

Happy Birthday @bullysquadess ! Thanks to you I’ve been sucked into this fandom and achieved minor internet infamy. Please enjoy this finely roasted Ladynoir in honor of your name day.

Disclaimer: This is a work of parody aimed at overall fandom trends and not at any one author or story. None of this is meant as a personal attack on anyone; just a sporking of common Ladynoir fandom tropes.

Please enjoy.

The cerulean skies above Paris’ venerable and antediluvian streets gave way into a rich mauve tinged with the auburn hues of a dying day. On the streets below, Parisians came and went, unaware that the most romantic act in the history of the cosmos was being prepared not three stories above them.

“And we all say

"Oh, well I never, was there ever

A cat so clever as magical

Mr. Mistoffelees"

Humming a jaunty cat-like song to himself (AN: get it? It’s because he’s a cat), Chat Noir went about lighting each of the two thousand one hundred and sixty two candles strewn about the rooftop; one for every hour he knew and loved the most wonderful, sublime, perfect, flawless, radiant, resplendent, exalted, magnificent, regal, truncular, and ethereal girl in all of Paris.

Nay, all the world!

Such was his love that he converted the rooftop retreat where they were to meet for their Nightly Evening Patrol into a lush, romantic scene out of Kenneth Branagh’s wettest Shakespearean dream. Laurels and ivy hung from every corner of the confused tenant’s roof. A record player played a suave Edith Pilaf song (AN: because they’re French) as celebrity chef Wolfgang Puck prepared a delightful evening meal for Paris’ greatest heroes- prime roasted rib, herbed potatoes, and garden salad for the Lady, and half-cup of Friskies “Friend-Zone” mix for the gent.

Chat may have spent upwards of eighteen thousand euro on his little surprise, but it was money well spent. After all, it was the three-week anniversary of the first time Ladybug accidentally spat on him when trying to dislodge a fabulous booger from her perfect nostrils! Such an occasion demanded splendor the likes of which Paris had never seen before. The rooftop scene before him made Versailles look like a dilapidated crack den full of sentient cockroaches, but still it wasn’t enough for his Lady, his partner, his love, his star, his treasure, his catnip (AN: get it? it’s because he’s like…a cat and stuff) his everything, his-

“Whats up ass clown?” Ladybug greeted, swinging onto the rooftop and shattering the intricate four thousand euro Ladybug ice sculpture centerpiece like it was Chat’s heart.

“Dinner is ser-AUGH!” Wolfgang Puck cried as Ladybug pushed him off the roof and into an open dumpster on the street below.

“What the hell is all this supposed to be?” Ladybug sneered at the wall of origami butterflies Chat had painstakingly folded over the course of the last seven months.

“Oh, w-well those are just origami butterflies to represent all of the akumas we fought together as a-”

“Ugh,” Ladybug groaned, blowing a raspberry and using a nearby candelabra to light the origami wall on fire. “Gross.”

Chat’s ears drooped like a kitten that had been caught pissing in the houseplant. “But...I thought we could have a fun dinner together.”

A vein in Ladybug’s forehead bulged as she drew a paper fan from nowhere and bashed Chat across the nose. “Ughh!  We don’t have time for fun! We have a serious and sacred duty to defend the people of this city! There is no time for fun!”

With that, Ladybug upended the beautifully carved table that Chat had spent ten years working on over the edge of the building and on to Wolfgang Puck’s head as he attempted to crawl to safety.

“Vamoose!” Ladybug cried, latching her yo-yo on to a nearby lamppost and swinging across the street.

Chat let a single tear roll out of his emerald green orbs which he quickly captured in a small glass phial so his father could use it in his Eau de Puss line of cologne. Ladybug never, ever, ever had time for anything other than straightlaced business and if it weren’t for the fact that they were supposed to be partners, she would have probably lit him on fire and tossed him in an open sewer drain by now. He would have deserved it, of course; his perfect, flawless, effervescent, stalwart, gladiator goddess of a Lady could have singlehandedly ended crime and cured cancer without his help at all, and his continued presence in her life was as a cancerous zit marring the face of perfection.

But oh; oh! How he loved her! Even with the constant battery, verbal abuse, and veiled death threats she hurled at him every time she opened her mouth, he was one smitten kitten!

“Oi, Simba!” Ladybug called from two rooftops over. “You have ten seconds to catch up and then I’m beating the everloving shit out of you!”

Yowling, Chat Noir scampered on all fours across the rooftops, landing with a pirouette behind Ladybug as she glared hard-boiledly across their city.

“So, m’lady, shall we take a swing along the Seine before heading to the Eifel Tower to close off the evening?” Chat Noir said hopefully, passing her a basket of food he saved from her wrath.

“Ughh,” Ladybug groaned, rolling her eyes. “Why is it always the Eifel Tower with you?”

“It’s certainly the most romantic spot in the city,” Chat Noir purred, waggling his eyebrows as Ladybug drove her elbow into the side of his head. “Ow! Wh-Why are you hurting me so much?”

“Sorry; I have a thing for some other guy so I can’t be civil with any other boy, otherwise I’m basically cheating on him,” Ladybug said, pouring Lucky Charm gasoline on a Lucky Charm table and grabbing Chat around the waist.

“Is that why you hurled a textbook at my head when I said hello to you the other day?” Chat asked.

“Basically,” Ladybug said, shrewishly suplexing her partner through the burning table. “You should know better than to say things to me by now.”

Chat Noir’s flirting was especially grating to her, because he flirted with literally everything that had a pulse and pair of legs. She was fairly sure that he once chatted up a mailbox because it was dark and his feline cat vision hadn’t kicked in yet. It was gross and didn’t make her jealous at all. I-It’s not like she liked him or anything!

Sh-shut up!

Ladybug’s tsundere inner monologue and Chat Noir’s pained, burning screams were cut short by the sound of a high pitched scream from just down the road. Without looking to see if Chat had recovered from her right hook, she took off, latching on to the spire of the Eiffel Tower and landing in a crouch near the far banks of the Seine.

All around her, people were necking in the streets like teenagers at summer camp; a summer camp for nerds who had never kissed anyone before. A ten car pileup in the middle of the road blocked traffic on all sides as the citizens of Paris lived up to their romantic stereotype by Frenching the first age appropriate person they saw. The half your age plus seven rule was in full effect for it seemed that even Hawkmoth had standards of basic decency when it came to brainwashing the Parisian populace.

“Okay, furreeze!” Chat Noir cried, landing with his claws out and leg outstretched like a cat as he surveyed the scene. “Who is respawnsible for this hissterical catastrophe?!”

“Ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh,” Ladybug groaned for thirty full seconds, pausing only to roundhouse kick Chat in the head. “Yeah, what he said, but not completely idiotic; who’s in charge of this fiasco?”

The Parisians seemed to be too busy playing tonsil lacrosse to answer Ladybug, but across the avenue, a low, throaty chuckle pierced the symphony of sloppy face sucking.

“Huhuhuhu,” the shadowy figure chortled, stepping out of the darkness. “So good of you to drop by, Ladybug...drop by for your doom!”

A hail of gold crossbow bolts assailed them from the shadows and Ladybug dove out of the way before Chat could throw himself in front of her as he usually did. From the darkness, a cloaked figure emerged, a bright sparkling grin the only thing visible from under his hood.

“You might have done well against Dark Cupid,” the hooded stranger chortled. “But you have yet to face the wrath of-”

The akuma threw the cloak back, revealing a painted on, bright pink bodysuit complete with assless chaps and heart shaped pasties.

“-Cupid Cupid!” Cupid Cupid crowed, soaring into the air on fluttering wings made of questionably shaped feathers. The citizens sucking face paused their tongue lashings to chant “Cupid! Cupid!” in unholy unison.

“I thought the full moon wasn’t until next week,” Chat snickered as Cupid Cupid shook his barely covered rear. His pun earned him another smack in the back of the head from Ladybug with a stray brick, who loathed humor in all its many forms, but puns more than anything.

“With the power of love and beauty, I’m here to take your Miraculouses, win the day, and bump this fic from a T to an M rating!” Cupid Cupid said, gyrating in a way that made Ladybug, Chat Noir, and Hawkmoth halfway across the city deeply, deeply uncomfortable. “Suck my throbbing love rockets!”

“Oh god, why?!” Ladybug cried, dodging the hail of crossbow bolts that crashed into the sidewalk with a hail of lewd cries. They scampered around the akuma showered them in a golden stream of heart tipped bolts, cackling as distantly Huey Lewis and the News blared on the speakers. But as agile as Ladybug was, Cupid Cupid’s golden shower (of bolts) managed to rain down and hit Ladybug in the side of the shoulder. She tumbled in midair, landing across the street as Chat Noir’s glowing green eyes narrowed into feline slits. Now madder than a cat in a room full of dog shaped rocking chairs, Chat Noir pounced on Ladybug’s prone form, carrying her up and on to the nearby rooftops away from the cosmically inappropriate akuma.

“Ladybug!” Chat Noir yeowled, shaking her stirring form with a pained expression. “Ladybug answer me!”

Ladybug’s pale blue eyes fluttered open, staring up at the young man standing over her. “Adrien?” Ladybug crooned sweetly and with more affection than she would have ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever…ever shown her partner.

“Uh…n-no, definitely not Adrien Agreste,” Chat Noir chuckled nervously, freezing as Ladybug cupped his face, eyes now literal heart shapes as she leaned in.

“Come on, model boy, let’s make out!” Ladybug said, making octopus-esque kissy noises as Cupid Cupid cackled in the distance.

“It’s no use; she has fallen under my spell and now thinks of you as the object of her affection!” Cupid Cupid cackled, firing his crossbows into the air like Yosemite Sam on the Fourth of July while shaking his hips. “She now has an insatiable desire to suck face with you while I make off with your Miraculouses!”

“How is this an effective akuma idea?!” Chat Noir hissed, trying to keep Ladybug from planting her lips on him.

“How is akumitizing a four year old a good idea?!” Cupid Cupid shouted. “Hawkmoth isn’t too good at this game, is he?!”

“Point,” Chat Noir said as Ladybug pounced on him, pinning him to the rooftop.

“Aaaaaaaaaadrien,” Ladybug said in a strange, gushy tone that reminded Chat Noir of Chloe in a way that made his hair stand up on the back of his neck. “I’m soooooooo glad you’re here and not my flaming dumpster fire of a partner~ I love you, Adrien! I always have!”

Another single, perfect tear rolled down Chat Noir’s cheek, for he knew that Ladybug was actually not really in love with him. She, like everyone else, was fooled by his corporate, soulless, perfect model boy persona. She had rejected the real him; the one who liked to run on rooftops, make terrible puns, and occasionally shit in a cardboard box full of sand because it felt good sometimes.

Ladybug would never love the real him; a cold, cold fact that did nothing to diminish the selfless, pure, innocent, all too perfect and unconditional love he felt for her. Even as her yo-yo wound its way around his wrists, effectively cutting off bloodflow to his fingertips, his heart was full of nothing but pure, beautiful love for the girl trying to bite his lower lip off.

“Uh, L-Ladybug, I can’t really feel my fingers,” Chat Noir panted as Ladybug tugged at his bell collar.

“Shh, Adrien, let’s just get you out of this…” Ladybug frowned as the bell stayed in one place. “What the hell?! Where’s the zipper?”

“Why would I have a zipper?!” Chat Noir meowed (AN: like a cat). “Why would my magic catsuit have a zipper?!”

“Fun?” Ladybug and Cupid Cupid suggested at the same time.

“Why are you still here?!” Chat Noir hissed

“I’m the creepy makeout akuma; what did you expect?!” Cupid Cupid crowed. “Don’t tell me your dad never taught you about the birds and the bees!”

“This isn’t exactly the birds and the bees; more like the ladybugs and the…cats or something,” Chat Noir muttered, eyes widening like a cat who just saw a canary as Ladybug withdrew the large, vibrating object she Lucky Charmed.

“Come on, you stupid zipper,” Ladybug said, pulling her Lucky Charmed chainsaw out and revving it against Chat Noir’s suit to no avail. “Gimme that sweet sweet Adrien fruit.” ‘

Wriggling under her, Chat Noir managed to arch his back like an angry cat and kick his baton between his chest and the revving chainsaw. The chainsaw flew up in a high arc, shearing Cupid Cupid’s lewdly shaped wings off his back. Much to the displeasure of Cupid Cupid (and a hidden Alya who was hoping to capture lewd Ladynoir content for the Ladyblog), the phallic wings seemed to hold the key to Ladybug’s brainwashing. She blinked, shaking her head as she looked down at her partner with thinly veiled disgust.

“…ew,” Ladybug said with a deep scowl, kicking her partner off the roof. “Looks like it’s up to me and only me to save the day. Lucky Charm!”

What followed was an acrobatic series of maneuvers involving a pogo stick too upsetting to print here. Suffice to say, Ladybug managed to get the fedora off Cupid Cupid’s head and purify it before Chat Noir could untangle the yo-yo around his wrists. As the butterflies disappeared, Ladybug held a fist out in front of her face and casually bumped it with her other fist.

“Good job, me and only me,” Ladybug said, scowling at Chat Noir as he stood up. “Oh…are you still here?”

Chat Noir’s ears drooped under horrible horrible Ladybug’s horrible words, prickling her black and icy heart enough to elicit a resigned sigh.

“Fine,” Ladybug conceded as though she were fighting to throw up with every word. “You…weren’t…entirely…useless…this time…”

Backhanded as it was, and even though half his hair was still missing from when Ladybug set him on fire, Chat Noir, our beautiful and innocent sunshine boy incapable of wrong, warmed at Ladybug’s snide comments, purring and rubbing against her legs before she kicked him off the roof.

“Don’t let it go to your head; I’ve had bowel movements that were more productive than you were, not-Adrien,” Ladybug huffed, with a blush. “B-Baka.”

“I don’t know what that means, but I think that’s a good thing,” Chat Noir said, climbing back up on to the roof as Ladybug’s earrings beeped. “Oh…guess it’s time to go.”

“Yeah, sure, would you look at the time,” Ladybug said as her earrings beeped again. “Gotta go.”

Chat caught her arm, and as Ladybug turned to stab him in the collarbone for daring to occupy the same space as her, she caught sight of his soft expression in the moonlight. She didn’t want to admit it (because if she did, Adrien would somehow know and accuse her of being a whore) but Chat Noir was kinda sorta handsome in a Kovu from Simba’s Pride kind of way. The kind of handsome that made her question a lot of things about herself; namely if she needed to register for Paris’ next furry convention as a keynote speaker. But mostly the fact that she had never even considered Chat Noir as a thinking, feeling entity until she sucked face with him. Something about shoving him against the rooftop and making out with him made her see him as something almost sort of approaching something that could almost be mistaken for human. 

“I know you’ve stated multiple times that you’re uncomfortable revealing your identity, but I’m gonna ask again because, fuck your feelings I guess,” Chat Noir chuckled in that boyish way of his. “Why can’t we tell each other who we are?”

The truth was that, despite being one of two superpowered demigods that protected Paris’ on a daily basis, Ladybug was…afraid that Chat would be disappointed if he ever found out who she was. He was in love with Ladybug who was completely different than her in every single way. If he ever found out that his Lady was just a fashion designer, artist, video game champion, graphic designer, baker, professional phone thief, and student council representative, he would throw up in his mouth and claw his eyes out for having ever been attracted to such a hideously ordinary cave troll. Even if her family, friends, classmates, neighbors, customers, fashion moguls, and passing rock stars all universally adored her, there was no earthly way that Chat would ever bring himself to care about the heinous sewer witch that was Marinette Dupain-Cheng.

“You know why,” Ladybug said sternly. “If we ever tell each other who we are, the Seal of the Apocalypse will be unsealed and the Dread Wolf Fenris will rise from the east to devour the sun. Quetzalcoatal would literally return to duel the Smoking Mirror at the end of the world as the seventh seal of the apocalypse would be unsealed, letting Satan’s forces up to ravage the planet. If I told you my name, Hawkmoth would literally hire a squad of disgraced Navy Seals to kill us and steal our Miraculouses. Up will become down; left will become right. Reality as we know it will absolutely cease to be if I ever knew who you were. Total, total disaster.”

Chat Noir nodded solemnly. “So you’re saying it would be…apo-cat-lyptic?”

Ladybug stared at him for a long moment before summoning a red and black spotted handgun and shooting Chat Noir in the leg.

“Same time tomorrow, asswipe,” Ladybug said, swinging up onto the rooftop as Chat Noir lay bleeding under a streetlight. As he clutched his shattered kneecap, the only thing he could think of was that Ladybug promised to meet him tomorrow, and how lucky he would be to be in her presence if he didn’t bleed out first.

“Guess tonight…really ended…with a bang,” Chat Noir said, aiming a fingergun at Ladybug’s retreating figure before passing out in the middle of the road.