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blissful-reveries · 8 years

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MY EXPERIENCE AT EXO’RODIUM!!!

I CANT BELIEVE I GOT TO SEE MY KINGS AGAIN TT IM SO EMOTIONAL EVEN THOUGH ITS BEEN 2 DAYS SINCE THE CONCERT - EVERY TIME I THINK ABOUT IT I JUST GET ALL GIDDY AND EXCITED AGAIN :D Here is my post on my experience at exo’rdium last night (fyi I wrote this on the night when i came back at like 2am LOL) its HECKA long post.... without further ado, here is MY EXPERIENCE AT EXORDIUM ^^

EXO’RDIUM 02.11.17

TODAY WAS FKING EXO’RDIUM HK AHHHHHHHHHHHH IM SO SHOOK HOLY I CAN NOT EVEN. WHERE DO I EVEN BEGIN OMFG I- I can barely wrap my head around the fact that (YET AGAIN) EXO was in the same building as me, less than 10m away, LIVING, BREATHING IN THE FLESH EXO. LIKE THEY’RE REAL. NOT JUST PIXELS ON MY LAPTOP SCREEN- I JUST CANT. I STILL CANT. okok so to start, for this EXO concert, I wasn’t able to get standing tickets like I did for EXO’LUXION (when i was lucky enough to have FRONT ROW JEAAAASUUSS), but I was HUGELY and pleasantly surprised that our seats (Block 5, Row 6) WAS ACTUALLY SO CLOSE TO THE STAGE. LIKE I COULD SEE THE ENTIRE STAGE + EXTENDED STAGE, AND IF I USED MY CAMERA TO FILM, I COULD SEE THEIR FACES. So that was a huge plus as soon as we got into the arena. When the concert started, a VCR was shown - about how EXO was the saviours of the world (when are they not tho tbvh HAHA) from danger and etc. the screaming was seriously unreal - like when every member came up on the VCR… #impressed. Then, they started the concert with MAMA and can we just- MAJOR THROWBACK TO FETUS EXO DAYS??? LIKE THIS SONG TRIGGERS SO MANY MEMORIES IM NOT EVEN OKAY RN. also can we just - can SM please release the remix version of MAMA CUZ I WOULD GET IT IN A HEARTBEAT <3 Then without giving our poor hearts a second to rest, they jumped right into mONSTER!!!! IM WAS NOT READY FOR IT AND THEY JUST THREW IT AT ME WHAT. It was amazing as expected, the choreo and everything omfg.. it was LEGIT like copy and paste… AND CAN WE TAKE A MOMENTbc JONGDAE FREAKING BLEW THAT HIGH NOTE AWAY. wait where was that high note? BLEW AWAY BY JONGDAE’S GORGEOUS VOCALS THATS WHERE.

THEN yet another throwback, they performed wolf :’) it been so long since they performed it and omg It was beautiful. The tree added with projections, and it was a remix version which meant DANCE BREAK!!!!! Seriously it was SO SO GOOD like they added projections so that it seemed like they were entering and exiting the tree behind (LOOK IDK IF THAT MAKES SENSE BUT THATS WHAT HAPPENED OK). and it was just so perfect… perfect way to bring back the song.

THEN they finally took a break and did their first ment. can i just pause for a sec and mention how much i freaking love their black blouses? like the ones with the cuts. THEY’RE GORGEOUS AND THEY WEAR THEM SO WELL TT… Kyungsoo, suho and baek all mentioned that they’re going to comeback soon so to give them lots and lots of support (YES BC EXOLS PULL THRU). Sehun and his mandarin came through as expected HAHA and it was so cute - cuz he kept saying things like “are you enjoying yourselves?” “Did you miss us?” my hubby you go! Yixing greeted us in cantonese and it was so cute XD his voice when he speaks canto is the cUTEST THING EVER. i wanna wrap him up and bring him back home.. he started talking in canto about wanting us to support his film, but then paused to think - then after like 5 seconds, gave up and spoke in mandarin instead AHAHA XINGXING YOU CUTIE OMG. SPEAKING OF YIXING THO — Originally I didn’t know if he was going to attend this concert or not, because he’s been away for filming at guangzhou for the past couple of weeks, there’s hardly been any news of him so i wasn’t sure… BUT I WAS SO FLIPPIN HAPPY WHEN I SAW HIM COME OUT. FIRST THOUGHTS: DAMN SON YOU SLAY EVERYTHING. SECOND THOUGHT: his hair was really long HAHAHAH XD STILL SLAYING THE HANDSOME GAME THO. Suho kept mentioning that coming to HK always leaves good memories for him, and mentioned the EXO daesang win during MAMA AND THE CROWD WENT WILD ;D You know how much we support y’all.

Afterwards, they performed WHITE NOISE AND I WAS SO SURPRISED BC I HAD NO IDEA THEY WERE GONNA DO THIS SONG — i made myself not watch any prior concert vids bc i wanted this to be complete surprise and HECK YEAH I WAS SURPRISED. It was a new dance and everything it was so fresh :’))) there were some body rolls here and there, and overall it was a lot more toned down than artificial love oH GOD ARTIFICIAL LOVE JUST WAIT HOLY. Middle of white noise they went to the centre hexagon and danced, but then out of nowhere WATER START POURING FROM THE TOP DOWN LIKE WHATTTTT THEN THEY STARTED DANCING IN THE POURING WATER LIKE ALL WET AND EVERYTHING X_X i was so so so happy bc sehun was always on my side of the stage so i was able to see and film him well <3 his dancing is en pointe as usual heh #proudwifey

THEN JESUS SAVE ME THEY PERFORMED THUNDER <3 <3 <3 AND SEHUN OWNED THAT STAGE LIKE IT WAS NOBODY’S BUSINESS He was on the center extended part, and damn like the stage should have been called FIRE, CUZ IT WAS LIT. Yixing and Jongin as always slayed the game too and the VOCALS FOR THIS WAS SO GREAT OMG LIKE IT WAS LIKE PERFECT :’)) also. jongin was being a huge TEASE bc he kept smirking and smiling while dancing :((( HAHA but it was lovely and made my heart thump <3

then they did playboy. rmb when playboy used to be the most sexual dance in their concert? YEAH NO JUST WATCH ARTIFICIAL LOVE HOLY i need to cleanse my eyes…. ANYWAY BEFORE THAT— this time playboy was done a bit differently, sekai wasn’t paired tgt, as pcy and osh were tgt, and kai had his own rising stage fanncaayy B) OH AND SIDE NOTE: I LOVE their laced up pants too..its very pretty and... its very tight LMAO gives me pirate vibes lol. i loved it bc the boys were all just having a TON of fun - like they came in yesterday night, and performed today thats just amazing if i compare that to the amount of energy they had today. THEY WERE LIKE HIGH OR SMTH SO CRAZY XD AND HYPER <3 but it was like a giant party so WOO!! Suho and chen went out to the farthest extended stage which meant I could see their features and OMG PRINCE SUHO ATTACKS AGAIN BC HE NEVER FAILS TO FAZE ME AT HOW BEAUTIFUL HE IS IRL. He’s like a LEGIT god descending from heaven…. <3 Chanyeol went to the hexagonal extended stage and did a solo dance there - it was beautiful :’) and YIXING was in the center extended just having a blast body rolling, pelvis thrusting JEEEEZ i need holy water.

JESUS NO ITS HERE. I CANT. IT WAS ARTIFICIAL LOVE NOW. omg i can’t even bare to talk about it I WAS SO….AHHHHH I CANT EXPLAIN OMG. i felt strange LMAO ok so right after playboy WHICH WAS ALREADY MILDY SEXY, they grabbed the canes from the side of the stage and as soon as the music came up i was like UH OH HERE IT COMES… and KAI WAS ON THE HEXAGONAL STAGE (yes im referring to him as kAI BECAUSE BABY NINI WOULD NEVER DO THAT)- AND OH JESUS IT WAS SUCH A SHOCKING MOMENT WHEN HE… UM.. GRINDED ON THE CANE?? GOSH EVEN TYPING IT MAKES ME FEEL DIRTY LMFAO I couldn’t even bring myself to film it bc i jUST CANT???? then, when switched positions, baekhyun was now where kai was, and another chorus came along which meant another grinding session (pls save me). When I watched baekhyun’s one i was ready to keep my eyes closed bc puppy baek grinding? it would destroy my image of him forever… BUT!! he was actually very reserved HAHAH XD i think it was just yixing, and kai who like 150% WENT FOR IT. ground like there was no tomorrow LMAO. so yeah long song short, KAI’S SEX APPEAL BROKE THE ROOF, and baekhyun was still a cutie BAHAHA XDD and then it was KAIXING duet dance break during artificial love with the BLINDFOLDS OMG SO SEXY HOLYY my poor heart :((

OMG AND UNFAIR!!!! I love the stage for unfair its so cute and unique, squishy kyungsoo popped out of a tv and a chair (oh i wish that were reality), just the entire performance aspect of it was top notch and so cute. After unfair, it was a short ment where exo all sat on the steps of the stage, and yixing and pcy sat on both ends holding guitars. WHICH MEANT ACOUSTIC MEDLEY TIME!!!! Yixing gave a short introduction about the medley (it was so nice to hear his voice after such a long time not hearing it) and then demo-ed the guitar by playing a little impromptu melody — reminds me of just how much of a genius zhang yixing is *heart eyes*. Chanyeol also did a quick demo and same thing goes for him.. how do they self learn things so well :((the first song that they sang in the acoustic medley was My Lady and I FLIPPED OUT BC IT WAS KYUNGSOO AND IT WAS R&B MY TWO FAV COMBOS <3 It was so nice to just sit and listen to their live vocals - and this really goes to show how much talent there is in exo. whoever disagrees should sit in one concert and just LISTEN TO THEIR FLAWLESS VOCALS. like seriously, there was no out of pitch moments (- wAIT AHHA THIS REMINDS ME OF SOMETHING FUNNY PCY DID). OKOK SO BASICALLY near the end of the medley, (I CANT RMB WHICH ACOUSTIC IT WAS RN BUT-) it was supposed to be baekhyun’s line but kyungsoo held his mic towards Chanyeol’s mouth (he was preoccupied with guitar playing) to prompt him to sing. PCY did sing baek’s line, but his voice cracked BAHAHAHHAHAHAHAH XD AND THE FUNNIEST THING WAS: HE MADE THIS REALLY CUTE SHOCKED FACE WHEN IT HAPPENED AND TOUCHED HIS THROAT THEN SHOOK HIS HEAD. NAWWWWWWW <3 adorbs… in the acoustic, they covered so many songs - CMB (WHICH JONGIN SANG BEAUTIFULLY OMG), My turn to cry, lady luck… just some i could rmb off the top of my head rn at 2:17 am HAHA.. then at the very end, yixing sang an acoustic version of Monodrama - and the lyrics were on the screen so the entire crowd sang along-it was beautiful <3 <3 <3 - at the end, yixing looked really sheepish, and grabbed the mic saying, “i’m so sorry, i sang the demo version’s lyrics so I didn’t sing the right words heh” and then pcy BEING THE MEDIATOR HE IS, was like “eyyyyy they probably didn’t even hear the difference- did you guys hear the difference???” and obvs we screamed NO!!!! and then that made xingxing look even more sheepish SO SO CUTE X) the entire thing just sounded and felt like a warm campfire get together with exo ls and exo <3 it was heartwarming and beautiful and I’m so glad that they added this segment.

and then they did lady luck again- this time not acoustic, but the dance and song version and kyungsoo. just. his voice. like. it melted the entire arena down. his projections were all so stable it sounded like the studio recorded version :’))) they danced on rising stages and everything was just so aesthetically perfect.. If i’m being completely honest, this time around, I was putting my focus deliberately more on sehun because i remember last year during exoluxion when i was front row, i could only really focus on whoever was in front of my area of the stage, which meant i missed a lot of sehun when he performed :( so i made the decision to FEED MY EYES AND HEART fully of sehun this time as last time, i was kyungsoo came to the front a lot and i kyungsoo’s vocals and dance fed me fully hehe (ohhh good times :’)) so yeah i wanted to say that kyungsoo’s vocals blew me away here because his LIVES ARE ACTUALLY PERFECT???how. haha bc his voice is made of honey chocolate <3

they performed TENDER LOVE next and I got shook all together again because THEY ALL INTERACTED WITH THE FANS THROUGH THE LIGHTSTICK :’D THEY each grabbed a lightstick and as soon as the song started baekhyun yelled “PUT YOUR HANDS UP!” :D yixing walked to the center extended stage and the next thing i knew, the STAGE WAS RISING UP LIKE A RAMP AND MY QUOTED WORDS AT THAT TIME CAUGHT ON VIDEO WAS “WOAH LOOK AT THAT STAGE” i was so surprised IT LOOKED LIKE A COMPLETE FUN HOUSE :DD All the members were just having a ton of silly fun during the song by just jumping :D during the chorus they would direct the crowd into little movements sequences we could do with the lightsticks and it was so nice bc it was like a little dance party - and they all looked so proud haha like we were all together - WE ARE ONE!! hehe Sehun came up to the farthest extended stage and danced on the stage closer to my side which was AMAZING <3 which meant that he was directing my block in the light stick moves ^^ i just thought it was super nice that they were able to interact with all of us in that way, include us all in that way it was very heartwarming <3

then LMR came up!! a lot earlier than last year’s one actually. fun and quirky as usual, BAEK’S VOCALS YES. they all danced so energetically and so hyped up, it was so so so AMAZING TO SEE THAT <3 esp sehun bc he’s usually the type that dances to the extent that is enough to show that he’s doing the moves, but this time he added so many more little side moves of his that spiced things up a lot hehe..

During One and Only, i think someone that stood out the most for me was def jongin. his vocals during the song was just something straight from all things good in the world. it was so good :’))) I’m so impressed by how much he has improved his vocal abilities over the years and is truly developing his own distinctive voice <3 OH AND the official HK exo fan club organized an event where during performance of One and Only, representatives in the crowd would hold up letters that spelt “EXO You Are My One and Only”.

omg and possibly my favorite part of the concert….. kai x sehun x lay WATER DANCE WOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!! I am not at all exagerating when i say that every millisecond of what i saw looked like something out of a painting. IT WAS GORGEOUS AND BEAUTIFUL (how many times have i said beautiful omg). they were all so in sync, and everyone gave it their all and it shows <3 THEN CAME THE MOMENT THE WATER STARTED FILLING THE GROND AND WHERE ALL 3 OF THEM JUST DROPPED TO THE GROUND (how do they not break their knees is my question) IT WAS SO SO *fight the urge to say beauti—* BEAUTIFUL <3 I’m sorry there are no other words to describe how amazingly godlike the entire performance was.. then when the water started pouring from the top OH DAMN THAT WAS THE CLIMAX. so they danced in the water with water pouring all over their heads and bodies and THE EFFECT LOOKED SO ETHEREAL like aM I EVEN ALIVE? HAVE I GONE TO HEAVEN? BC THIS IS WHAT I THINK HEAVEN WILL LOOK LIKE TBH. 3 DANCING WATER ANGELS <3 ahHAHA so yeah and when it ended, they 3 were kneeling in the water, and jongin had to be all extra and stuff and run his hand through his hair, gazing dangerously sexily into the audience.. yep THERE GOES MY OVARIES BOOM. THANK YOU OSH, KAI AND YIXING.

AND THEN IT WAS VOCAL LINE TIME TO SHINE!!! Stronger was performed, and it was all i could ask for to have all four of them, kyungsoo, baek, chen, and suho sing this song… esp during stressful times THANK YOU <3 also the vocals were just off the charts at 200% today like they even said themselves that they’re feeling great today WHICH MAKES ME SO DAMN HAPPY :’’)))) oMG THEN THEY PLAYED THE REALLY CUTE VCR OF EXO AS NOMES (??) HAHA dancing and stuff, then they came out of the back wearing the cute af pointy hats and elf shoes XDDD CUTENESS OVERLOAD!! they sang HEAVEN as they came out and it was SO CUTE and also the way that kyungsoo wears his pointy hat, OVER HIS FOREHEAD AND TOUCHING HIS EYES IS SO DAMN SQUISHY OF HIM AHHH :3 he’s so adorable CAN I TAKE HIM HOME PLS along with the rest of exo!!!!! Then they took off their costumes to sing Girl x Friend and it was honestly so great.. xingxing was dancing and pointing out to the audience to guide them in singing the song, sehun came out again to the middle to just enjoy the stage, and kyungsoo was sining happily waving a nightstick around ^^ WAIT OMG ALMOST FORGOT — SEHUN WAS WEARING SPECS DURING THIS AHAHAH HE LOOKED SO DAMN HOT I CANNOT EVEN. SEHUN IN SPECS MAKES ME REEVALUATE MY LIFE. <3 hot hubby hehe

Then 3.5.6 WAS LITTTTTTT haha everyone was dancing and as EXPECTED!!! they did the weird “ooh ooh” sounds in between the 3.6.5 chorus lines xDD HAH now it sounds weird to listen to the studio version one cuz it doesn’t have those sounds LMAO. THEN EXO BECAME A BUNCH OF MEANIES BC THEY FINISHED THE SONG AND as soon as the lights turned up, they were like, “okay, bye! Thank you for coming!” “See you tomorrow” (BISH LIKE WE HAVE MONEY TO SEE U 2 CONSECUTIVE DAYS IN A ROW ALTHOUGH ID VERY MUCH LOVE TO), and the entire crowd AWW’ed and whined like NO! you can’t leave us like this :((( they were so mean…

BUT THEN THEY CAME OUT WEARING THOSE COPPERY COLORED JACKETS and performed TRANSFORMER like in MAMA but EVEN BETTER <3 <3 <3 I really love the part where they all come together and do the roboty like thing. i think i have a new found love for transformer OOPS x) it was so cool like the choreo too!! it was so sharp and just overall. ANNND THEN THEY DID LIGHTSABER~~~ everything was lit. DANCE WAS LIT, SONG WAS LIT, RAP WAS LIT, ALLLSO there was a special dance part near the end where everyone got ‘lightsabers’ and STARTED SWINGING THE CRAP OUT OF IT HAHAHA. and as to no surprise. MORE WATER!! haha water started pouring again (honestly I’ve lost count HAHA) they’re so obsessed with water… or they just want the wet clothes to stICK TO THEIR ABS? x_X

then they took a break and did another ment - which was good cuz i needed that break HAHAHA xD sehun, pcy, yixing and minseok went backstage first to change out of their wet clothes, while baek, suho, kai, chen, kyungsoo, stayed behind to talk. They talked about how nice it was that Jongin was muscular bc he was good at exercising which made nini really embarrassed HAHA.. then joonmyeon turned to kyungsoo and was like, “what about you?” and squishy soo didn’t say anything and just bowed. NAW ITS OK PENGUIN SOO I LIKE IT BETTER WHEN YOU DONT HAVE RIPPED MUSCLES :D Then, Baekhyun said in the ment that, “During One and Only you guys held some letters up, but I couldn’t really see them as I was dancing, what did it say again? Could you raise it again so I could read?” so the representatives in the crowd did, and Baekhyun, Chanyeol read it out. THEN HAHA WHATS FUNNY IS baekhyun then said, “oh! i see now. But you know it’s not because we don’t know how to read english, we do- its because you guys held one letter upside down so we couldn’t read” UHMM SAVAGE BAEK ???!?!!? HAHAHA BUT IT WAS SUPER FUNNY XD. Then joonmyeon pitched in and said he thought that the M and Y were going to spell MYEON, which made him suspect that “oh? maybe they’re preparing something for my birthday……?” HAHAH NEXT TIME JOONMYEON NEXT TIME WE PROMISE <3 such a cutie.

AHAH ANOTHER FUNNY PART!! Baekhyun wanted us all to be quiet for a bit bc he wanted to say something but the crowd didn’t stay quiet for long, so he kept shushing us, like “sh! sh! SHHH!” and then he started saying SH in a really fast and abrupt way, IT SOUNDED LIKE HE SWORE AND SAID SH*T XD AND EVERYONE STARTED LAUGHING HAHAHAHAH don’t think he noticed but oh well baaha cute. baek went on to say how hard they’ve been preparing for their new album, so requested for us to show it lots of love when it comes out (OF COURSE!!! ITS A GIVEN1!!)

AHH ok so those 5 went backstage to change and now pcy, sehun, yixing, minseok came out to ment. During the ment, minseok said that he felt sorry because he messed up during the lightsaber perf. He said that it wasn’t because he forgot the moves, but because the water was pouring into his shirt, and it was so cold that he momentarily forgot what he was supposed to do (poor baby… please don’t get sick any of you :\\). Then PCY started going “沒關係” which is “no problem” in cantonese and got the entire crowd to repeat over and over until minseok told us to stop HAHA :3 then sehun decided to ment next, and he told a “funny” story - which really wasnt funny at all HAHA srsly no one understood what he was trying to say HAHAH or the purpose of the story he was telling - anyway at the end when he realized that no one understood what he was saying, he said, “i’m just trying to lighten up the mood from the sorry atmosphere minseok hyung set up just now..” then PCY again did the “no problem” chant and got the entire crowd in on it again x). Then to compensate, sehun asked us to all give a collective fake laugh AHHA AT HIS FAILED JOKE XD i can’t this boy is everything. then yixing went around giving a cantonese lesson for the other 3 boys, teaching them how to say thank you, hello, my name is___ except the fact that he forgot how to say the members names in canto xD

After the ment, yixing went back and pcy x sehun x minseok did a rap song that i believe is only exclusive to the concerts? its called “같이해” which means “do it together”. THIS. SONG. WAS. FREAKING. LIT. SEHUN FREAKING OWNED THAT STAGE LIKE IT WAS HIS AND NO ONE ELSES B) HE WAS IN CENTER STAGE MOST THE TIME, AND WENT ON THE RISING RAMP WHICH WAS SUUUUPER COOL. He was so full of charisma on stage i couldn’t take my eyes off him for even a second. he demanded attention in everything he did HAHAH THATS MY BOO then this lit rap transitioned into DROP THAT when all members joined them on stage, and IT WAS AS LIT AS IT WAS LAST YEAR WOO so so nice. “we say e-x, you say o! , e-x-“ “O!” so nice *sparkling eyes* OMG ALSO CHANYEOL DID AN ELECTRIC GUITAR COVER OF GROWL AND IT WAS FREAKING COOL AF

ooooohhhh then next they did the cool little Let Out the Beast remix starting with the lightstick part. It was a bit of a shame that they did not organize this concert to have the bluetooth setting so it lost a wow factor there, but STILL THE REMIX SONG WAS GREAT AND THEY DID A DANCE REMIX IT WAS SO EFFING COOL AND OLD SCHOOL I LOVE IT SO MUCH <3

Following that, they performed Lucky, where everyone LEGIT WENT CRAZY HYPER HAHA THEY DID RANDOM DANCES AND EVERYTHING speaking of random dances, CHANYEOL DABBED LIKE AT LEAST 10 TIMES HERE JEEEAASUS and did juju on the beat hAHAHA I WAS SHOOK lmao THEN they did RUN and yixing was near the part where i was at so I had a very clear view of him going CRAZYYY like actually CRAZY!! he was doing all sorts of random running moves, and just having a ton of fun :’)) this was so impactful on me because i rmb last year, they flew in to hk really early and at the same day they had to perform so lay was really really tired that day. but to see him so hyper and energetic was so refreshing and it made me really hyped up too :’) little xing bunny jumping for joy haha

GROWL MY FAV SONG came out and everything was SO PERFECT haha this time the members freely walked around first and interacted with fans. then park chanyeol. okay so um. this boy has a problem with chronic DABBING AND JUJU-ING. he DOES NOT KNOW HOW TO STOP LITERALLY DOES NOT STOP. HE DABBED LIKE AVERAGE EVERY 5 SECONDS NOT EXAGGERATING. And then baekhyun learned from him and started to dab and juju uncontrollably too ._. not you too baek AHAH but in all honesty it was so funny to watch XD pcy did so many dabs that sehun had to almost flying kick him to get him back to his regular mind haha. THEY WERE CRAZILY HYPER today and i LOVE IT SO MUCH <3 AHAH AND THEN YIXING WAS SO CUTE CUZ during the beginning of growl when everyone walked everywhere, he walked to the furthest extended stage, but during the bridge he was supposed to get back to the middle to do the dance part. He only remembered when the music turned and had to RUN FOR HIS LIFE back to the centre aND IT WAS SO CUTE CUZ I SAW THE LOOK ON HIS FACE WHEN HE REMEMBERED XD PRICELESS.

Lucky One was next, and similarly it was free-dance and walk around which was nice and chill for them ^^ but jongdae did not give up on the dance and still did it throughout ahah #dedication. near the end, suho was the only one dancing and pcy and sehun were both doing weird af gestures behind him LOL .. and then it was time for the last ment D: I’m sad just thinking about it again….

So at the start of the ment, when pcy was talking, jongin bent over and looked really tired, which is expected since he danced with so much energy during the entirety of the concert - but he suddenly ran off stage, and no one knew what was going on- i started to get really nervous because i didn’t know what happened, if he was sick or hurting and i felt really sad :( my heart hurt. But then when it got around to about fixing’s turn to ment, jongin finally came back and all the members were like, “kai-sshi where did you disappear off to just now?” and HAHA HE SAID, “i had to go to the bathroom really urgently i was very very urgent” HAHAHAHA XD NOT WHAT ANYONE OF US WERE EXPECTING LMAO IM DECEASED XDD Then the members teased him and were like, “Kai-sshi is your stomach not feeling well (aka do u have a stomach ache/diarrhoea)?” and he immediately denied it and said, “nO! I just went to the toilet to pee hahah i was so urgent.” Then he said, “You know, after coming back from the toilet, my mood is so much more relieved” BAHAHHAHAHA “RELIEVED?!?!” IM DEAD AGAIN.. then PCY started saying, “so did you go to the toilet to … number 2?” HAHAH and jongin said, “NO! I WENT TO DO A NUMBER 1” IT WAS SO FUNNY MY ABS HURT AHAHAHA THEY WERE ARGUING ABOUT THE TOILET ON STAGE I CANT WITH THESE BOYS.. XD

Channel kept dabbing and juju-ing still, which triggered baekhyun to do the same, AND I KID YOU NOT, they DID NOT STOP DOING THAT UNTIL THE ENTIRE MENT WAS OVER FOR EVERYONE XD THESE TWO PUPS.. baekhyun’s ment consisted of him teaching us how to dab LMAO he was like “i’ll teach you the easy one (the dab), bc the other one (the juju) is more complex” LOL THANKS TEACHER BAEK. so yeah long story short, he got the entire arena to dab. yup. EVERYONE. us all dabbing only exacerbated chanyeol’s chronic dabbing syndrome and he continued to do it, with baekhyun responding to him every single time. #CHANBAEK OTP FTW. throughout all the dabbing sehun was just judging and like “ai these hinges…” but then eventually he caved and also did dabs AHHAHA, yixing, chen were laughing so hard. the thing is, suho is trying to give his ment properly, and there you have chanyeol on one end, baekhyun on the other DABBING TOWARDS EACH OTHER OK LIKE THESE BOYS ARE NOT OK. WHAT DID THEY EAT BEFORE COMING OUT HERE?? Eventually suho gave up AHAH and dabbed too (…….) WHAT IS WITH ALL THIS DABBING….?!!??! also . baekhyun couldn’t help it and decided to teach us the juju too so. LMAO. AND THEN BAEK SAID, “the dab move i taught you! when we sing Angel for the last song, I want you to dab throughout the song!” THIS IS HOW OBSESSED THEY ARE OK. IM BEING HONEST, PCY AND BAEK added tgt for the entire concert prob dabbed and juju-ed like 50 times each . NOT. AN EXAGGERATION. Haha so yeah, fun times..

During Angel, fans threw stuff toys and animal hats on stage, and exo went around playing with them. Baekhyun found a pikachiu hat and chanyeol found a stuffed pokeball = chanyeol smashing the pokeball at poor baekhyun who ended up rolling on the stage xD. Sehun found a dinosaur hat and a snake that he wrapped around his neck (how exotic LOL), then he found a small stuffed white puppy that looked like Vivi. and he carried it all the way back to the stage where he said in chinese, “Vivi says, ‘see you tomorrow!’” (CAN HE GET ANY CUTER???). AND THEN omg the sweetest part was how yixing liteally went to every corner and crevice of the stage to bow and say goodbye and thankyou to the fans :’(((( IM CRYING HE’S LITERALLY THE SWEETEST BUNNY TT he was the last to return to the back part of the stage where baekhyun said they wanted to take a photo with all of us dabbing in the background (LMAO). it was so sad to see them all disappear behind the closing screens, how did time pass so quickly? it felt like we just came in to sit down..

it was an INSANE night. SO MUCH HYPE, SO LIT, SO FUN AND TRUELY showed the talents and nature of exo :’) they really had so much fun and as an EXO-L that is all I can ask for. Im so glad that they were able to get a nights rest before the concert this time unlike last year, because they were so much more awake and aware of the concert. they were all so into it and so CRAZY HYPER HAHA. Interestingly, baekhyun, suho both talked about how this Exo’rdium in HK was the VERY FIRST concert they held in the new year of 2017. WHICH WAS SUCH A HUGE THING!! they were all so energetic and excited about the concert that they asked for everyone in the crowd to dab while they took a group photo with us in the background - I AM OFFICIALLY SIGNING OFF. THEY ASKED US TO DAB FOR A PHOTO IM DONE. LMAO IM DOOONNEEE

So yeah…. that was a LONG ASS POST but it was worth staying up to 4am to write about <3 the best part was that when we looked at the time it was 10:32pm. we started at 7pm SHARP. which meant this concert went on for 3 and a half hours. 3 AND A HALF HOURS. THATS AMAZING AND GENEROUSLY LONG <3 This beautiful memory will stay with me forever and motivate me to do well in upcoming mocks and exams ^^ EXO SARANGHAJA!!!!! <3 WOOOOOO

#exordiumhk #exordium hong kong #exordium hk day 1 #exo #021117 #just rereading it and rewatching the videos makes me so emotional all over again #until next time that i see you my babies #<3

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peaceoutofthepieces · 4 years

Text

Sink Or Swim

tag list: @cleocc @feeling-kinda-so-so @hopelessromanticvirgo @dreamy-slytherin @adora8 @lockerfivethreefive @painfully-oblivious @poeticinemaa @jjustonemorething @saraben00 @wedarkacademia @coolguyssyndrome @hischbabe @suckerforsobbe @tayspots @starmansander @theah0lt @zoenneforever @invisibleme @chibibanane

~^~

Sunday, 12:40

Song: Peter Manos - In My Head

Lucas is surprised his dad hasn’t come to tell him how pathetic he is yet. He supposes it isn’t necessary. Lucas is more than aware of it himself.

He’d dragged himself out to go to the bathroom and get breakfast and managed to avoid a run-in. Now he’s curled up in his bed with the covers pulled up to his neck, trying not to feel too sorry for himself.

It isn’t easy.

He’s tempted to call Kes, but he’d called him yesterday, and he doesn’t want to be so needy. He’s thought about messaging Isa, but he isn’t really sure what he would say. He’s sure they’re all busy anyway. Possibly even hanging out together. Without him. As is likely the new normal already.

Lucas had been so sure he’d found his new normal already, too, but nothing feels normal about his situation anymore. He feels more stupid than anything. He doesn’t know what he’s been thinking. He doesn’t know how he has managed to mess everything up so massively already.

Jens was offering him friendship, and of course Lucas went overboard with it. Of course he’s a fool.

He’s spent the weekend rewatching the vlogs. He’s already in that deep.

It goes against all his rules, but he can’t bring himself to stop. He can’t get any of it out of his head. He can’t stop feeling Jens’s hands on his hips, or his breath on his ear. He can’t stop remembering the pump of his heart when Jens has done nothing more than smile. He can’t stop imagining what Jens might have done, if Lucas hadn’t pulled away from their dance, if Lucas had made up for it when Jens pulled him down to sit in front of him by leaning right back against his chest. He can’t stop considering all the possibilities that have never been possible in the first place.

He can’t stop seeing Jens with her, looking entirely at home.

He’d avoided Instagram entirely yesterday, resisting the temptation to open Jens’s message or stalk his page or Jana’s for any possible torture. He hates how dramatic his heart is being. He knew not to expect anything, and he’d let himself get much too carried away anyway. Jens had just seemed so close and so possible. Now Lucas is realising the boy is probably even more like Kes than he thought.

Lucas is long over that, but there’s still a leftover sting regardless, even as he cringes at his own thoughts and thoughtless actions. It makes him feel worse, sometimes, now that the feelings have slipped away, to look back at it, but he can’t quite bring himself to regret it.

It’s given him plenty of time to come to terms with everything. With himself. He can’t exactly bring himself to regret something that taught him so much.

It just obviously hasn’t taught him enough.

It’s in moments like this where a little of that self-hate returns with full force, and he can’t help wishing that he was just normal. It wouldn’t feel like this, if he was just crushing on a girl who didn’t return his feelings.

He might have no proof to back this up, but he feels pretty sure of it all the same.

It would be fine, if he thought it wouldn’t mess anything up with Jens. He’s mostly angry with himself because of how much he’s already letting it affect him. He had run from the party without even saying goodbye, and he hasn’t responded to the message that Jens had so sweetly sent him afterwards. Or to the second message Jens had sent him yesterday, saying that he hoped Lucas got there safe and was having fun. He’d laughed at the irony of it. He doesn’t know how to explain to Jens that he’s completely miserable, and that he hadn’t gone anywhere in the first place.

He’s lying in his bed in Antwerp, and he’s giving in and clicking on Jens’s Instagram story.

It’s a video of him at the skatepark, flying up the ramp towards the camera, grinning as he jumps off his board and pushes the person away. The responding giggles sound like they come from Robbe. He looks as beautiful as ever, and Lucas wishes more than anything that he could join them. The pained twist of his heart isn’t entirely strong enough to make him want to stay away. It’s just an additional ache.

He escapes the app in a rush and opens Spotify, hoping to distract himself. His fingers twitch, tempted to draw, but there’s already a cramp in them. It was all he’d done yesterday. He’d needed to get his thoughts out, needed to put his emotions on paper, in something real, and endless sketches had poured out, inspired by the past few weeks. He’d sketched Sander first, stood in the art shop with his camera and his smirk. He’d sketched Luca, taking care with her curls and her glasses, one eye closed in a wink, adding extra details as he refused to pour out his mind’s main focus.

It still hadn’t stopped him from creating a dozen sketches of Jens, most only half-completed, the image lost midway as another one came to the forefront.

He needs a break from feeling like this, for a while. Before he remembers that he has to return to school tomorrow, where it will be unavoidable.

He doesn’t get very far, unable to make up his mind, before a notification pops up at the top of his screen and destroys any notion of forgetting his feelings.

Jens has messaged him again. Undeterred, it seems, by Lucas’s previous lack of response.

hey, you’re probably still busy but I was wondering what time you would be back? I’m at the skatepark with the boys, and we’ll probably be here until late, if you wanted to join for a while

Before Lucas can even take this in, another message appears.

you’re probably staying with your friends until the evening though, so don’t worry about it

Lucas blinks at the message with furrowed brows. At first his heart twists, thinking Jens has changed his mind and is politely telling him not to come after all. But the rushed manner in which it had been sent makes him doubt himself, and he rereads it again, searching for the purpose of it. The meaning behind it. Another thought comes to mind, but he can’t quite let himself entertain it. That can’t be right.

There’s no way that Jens is nervous.

It sounds an awful lot like he might be, though, the more Lucas reads it over. He begins to feel a little bad. He hadn’t thought too much on what his distance might feel like to Jens. He hadn’t considered the idea that he’s being unfair. It isn’t Jens’s fault, that Lucas feels hurt. He couldn’t possibly know. Lucas hopes that he doesn’t know. To Jens, it probably feels like Lucas is ignoring him now that he’s with his friends in Utrecht. That he simply takes a back seat. Lucas is the terrible person for knowingly hurting him this way.

He can’t help but smile slightly, and then his hands are moving on their own, opening the message and typing a reply.

I’m already home

It appears as ‘seen’ almost instantly, and it takes just as little time for the typing bubble to appear.

you left early? is everything okay?

I never went

He watches the texting bubble appear and disappear a few times before quickly typing out another message.

came home to my dad waiting for me. he found my (very small) stash. wasn’t pleased.

The typing bubble doesn’t appear for long now.

shit

grounded? I was wondering why you hadn’t replied

Lucas hadn’t even realised that he was creating the perfect out for himself. It’s that simple. It probably makes sense, that his grounding would include a lack of phone privileges. It isn’t too extreme, especially if it includes the idea that he’d already gotten it back. He could let Jens believe that his father had dished out that mini, extra punishment. He won’t even be lying. Not really. He just won’t be mending Jens’s incorrect assumption. Skipping over a tiny detail.

yep. I am to remain in this house indefinitely

fuck

he couldn’t be convinced to let you out for even an hour?

Lucas blinks.

Could his father be convinced?

Can Lucas?

He doesn’t have to think about it too long.

let’s check

He locks his phone and slips out of bed, suddenly eager. Determined. Still, he’s slow and quiet as he opens his door, and he winces at the faint creak of the hinges. He tiptoes up the hallway towards the kitchen, running through what he should say, giving himself a bit of extra time. He needs to go into this with patience. He needs to stay resolute. His father will shut him down the instant he blows up, so he simply needs to keep his cool. Throw in some persuasion. It’ll be difficult, probably, but not impossible. Hopefully.

Only his father isn’t in the kitchen, or the adjoining sitting room. Lucas furrows his brows in confusion and moves back down the hallway. The bathroom is unlocked and empty, and his father’s door lies open, proving without any doubt that the room is unoccupied. He’s completely alone in the flat.

His heart thrums and his mind races in time with the quickening beat. He’s not the most passive person in the world, and he wouldn’t let himself be walked over, and he’s not a model citizen. This isn’t too far past his realm of disobedience.

His father is already beyond pissed, and while Lucas initially cringes at the thought, he shrugs it off.

Might as well go the extra mile.

He heads back to his room and pulls a sweater on over his t-shirt, a light pastel green Isa had once bought him. He snatches his denim jacket from the hook by the front door and swipes up his keys as he shrugs it on. He hesitates for half a second before returning to collect his skateboard from his room, and then he’s off.

I’m on my way

Jens’s response is instant.

fucking nice :D

Lucas’s lips quirk, and he shakes his head slightly, and feels unbearably fond. Jens is so easy. Everything he does is so easy. He’s a steadily burning flame, bright and warm and sure, and Lucas is another brainless moth. Drawn in and set alight.

He doesn’t even know how he’s managed to develop such a ridiculous crush so quickly. He just hopes he can get rid of it in the same manner. Maybe he should be giving himself more time, especially now that he has a genuine excuse. He could have stepped neatly away from Jens for a while with the excuse of his imprisonment and Jens would understand. Lucas knows he would. He knows that would be the best thing to do. It’s unfair to Jens and himself to indulge these feelings, the excitement and the urgency and the pleasure at the mere idea of seeing him.

But Lucas has been miserable the past few days, and it’s starting to make his head whir in much more dangerous directions. He just needs to appease it for a moment. He just needs to see Jens once and let his heart quiet.

He’ll be pleased, at this stage, to see any of them. It makes sense for him to want to join as many of these outings as he can. He’s just beginning to fit into this friend-group.

The skatepark is relatively full, as to be expected for a Sunday afternoon, but it takes Lucas no time to find them. His eyes seek out Jens automatically and he finds him easily where he’s now sat at the top of the half pipe, laughing at someone Lucas doesn’t bother looking at and occasionally glancing at his phone. Lucas has to pause for a second and gather himself, squashing down the mixed emotions that bubble up and plastering on a smile.

It’s only when he’s halfway towards him that he does a double take, catching sight of white-blonde hair. His smile slips into something more real, and some of his familiar bounce returns to his step as he heads towards them.

“Yo, Lucas!” The cheer comes unexpectedly from Moyo, and Lucas twists around until he can see him, jogging in the same direction to meet him as he finally stops next to Jens, kicking up his skateboard and catching the tip in his hand.

Jens smiles up at him, left eye squinting more than the right against the sun. He’s still wearing just a shirt and a deep red hoodie, but he looks soft and warm and pleased as Lucas sits down next to him. “Hey.”

“Hi,” Lucas returns, feeling uncharacteristically shy, nerves twisting in his chest. The party and the hours before it skim through his mind, and then the hours after and all of yesterday when he’d attempted to purge himself of all unwanted feelings, pushing this boy away in the process. He doesn’t deserve the easy friendship Jens has handed him. He’s taken advantage of such an innocent thing, and Jens has absolutely no idea. He wouldn’t look so fond if he did.

“You got grounded?” Moyo questions him as he swings up next to them, dropping down on Jens’s other side with furrowed brows.

Lucas shrugs, twisting his hands together in his lap. “Pretty much, yeah.”

“What? Why?”

Lucas twists around to look at Robbe, who has finally detached himself from his boyfriend long enough to notice Lucas’s presence and migrate over. Lucas catches Sander’s gaze over his shoulder and Sander brightens, slipping around Robbe to greet him. Lucas allows him to clasp their hands together with a grin, but ducks away when he moves to ruffle his hair.

“My little protégé. I was starting to think these idiots were never going to let me see you again.”

Lucas huffs, shaking his head as Sander simply drops down to sit cross-legged behind him. Robbe looks at Lucas and rolls his eyes fondly, and Lucas watches with a twist in his stomach as he sits down behind Sander, wrapping his limbs around him and letting him settle back against his chest. “You say that like I listen to them.”

Sander raises his brows at this, nodding approvingly, and this is when Jens makes a small noise in the back of his throat, strangled with confusion.

Lucas looks at him to see him glancing between him and Sander in deep concentration. “Have you already met?”

“Yeah, on Thursday at the art shop,” Sander says easily. “We had a very educational chat.”

Lucas snorts, thinking of the mini lesson Sander had given him on all his favourite dead, supposedly-gay artists as he led him around the store and then to an ice cream stand down the street, instantly winning Lucas’s heart. It may not have been the most educational experience, but it had been enough for Lucas to learn that Sander is someone he could get along with.

Jens swivels to look at Robbe. “You knew about this?”

Robbe hums. “Yeah?”

“Since when?”

“That night?”

Sander takes in Jens’s expression of utter betrayal and snorts, and Lucas can’t help but raise his own brow in amusement as Jens turns his pout towards him. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

Lucas tilts his head. “Why was I supposed to?”

Jens struggles to form a response to that, pout deepening, and Lucas really wishes he’d stop doing things like that. He wishes he would stop treating them as if they are so close, the way Robbe and Sander are close, sharing everything automatically and having a sunk-in understanding. He wishes Jens would make it easier for Lucas to let go of this idea of something more between them.

Sander knocks his leg against Lucas’s arm to get his attention, and his expression is dramatically serious. “Jens just gets a little jealous,” he mock-whispers, loud enough even for Moyo to hear him and let out a snort.

Jens’s pout shifts into a scowl and he rolls his eyes, and Sander knocks a leg against him instead in some semblance of apology. He raises his brows at Lucas, however, in a silent ‘told you’.

“What, you don’t seriously think Sander is going to steal me away or something, do you?” Lucas can’t help but tease, raising his brows in interest.

Moyo butts in with a laugh of his own, gesturing at Sander and hitting Jens’s arm. “Sander is basically a part of the group anyway, man. Where would he go?”

“That’s not the point,” Jens mumbles, mostly under his breath. Before anyone can question him on it, he’s turning back to Lucas and asking, “How’d you get your dad to let you out, anyway?”

Lucas shrugs, smiling sheepishly. “I didn’t. He wasn’t there, so I just left.”

“Ahh, a little rebel,” Sander teases.

Robbe huffs a laugh. “A match made in heaven.”

“Don’t encourage them,” Jens protests, leaving Sander sticking his tongue out at him. His gaze turns concerned as he looks at Lucas. “Won’t that make it worse for you when you get back?”

Lucas isn’t sure it can get much worse, but he can say with certainty that this is the happiest he’s been this weekend. It’s bad. This familiar warmth flooding through his chest under Jens’s gaze. It would probably be best for him, to be locked up at home.

But he can’t bring himself to regret this, either.

He gives another shrug, allows himself to smile, allows himself to enjoy how easily Jens returns it when he says, “It’ll be worth it.”

#van der stoffels #vds #wtfock #skam nl #sink or swim #vds season fic #sos clip

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theseerasures · 4 years

Text

Conspicuous Media Consumption, 2020

it’s that time of year again! *saddest toot from the party horn*

for those of you just joining us: it’s a “consume a different content every week for 48 weeks of the year” challenge. for a longer explanation, check out last year’s write-up here, and as always, feel free to pop in and ask questions about any and all of this content.

(same disclaimer as last year too: content for this project ONLY here, and not certain...*looks at my billion Sad Cop Lady posts*...hyperfixations.)

(man remember when i was big into X-Men comics earlier this year? better times than these, if only because no one's discoursing about Emma Frost’s woobie/war criminal ratio anymore--her w/w, if you will)

(...i swear at one point i didn’t exclusively like platinum blondes but alas)

Bitter Root (comic, 1 issue finished 1/1/2020): still very cool on a basic concept level, but runs into the Image Comics problem of just not having enough content to keep my interest beyond that. part of that is on me, for picking it up again BEFORE the second arc rolled out, but the first five issues didn’t really follow (or resolve) any cohesive story either, so...meh.

Immortal Hulk (comic, 3 trades finished 1/17/2020): still not gonna be something i care deeply about (maybe one of Bruce’s Hulksonas dyed his hair???), but i do want to give kudos to Al Ewing for sheer consistency in terms of sustaining this level of quality storytelling month by month for more than two years now. working with the dense archive of the Hulk mythos and managing to make it interesting and thoughtful is impressive even if i personally would not expend the same effort.

Disco Elysium (game, finished 1/18/2020): honestly i should have twigged onto what this year was gonna be like when the third thing i drew from the barrel was pure uncut Eastern European flavored depression. i faintly recall people ragging on it for being pretentiously cynical, but i actually thought its core slid more towards idealism than people give it credit for. also gratified that i haven’t heard anything about Robert Kurvitz using slave labor to finish it, which is a thing we have to say about our video games now!!! fun.

Watchmen (TV, 7 episodes finished 1/27/2020): i am a fool who wants to believe in Damon Lindelof and I WAS RIGHT!!! honestly still cannot believe that he pulled off this highwire act with such deft aplomb. might be my favorite TV this year, which is a pretty high bar given how much TV i ended up watching.

On a Sunbeam (comic, finished 2/1/2020): Tillie Walden rightly deserves all the praise for inventive queer storytelling, but i will say that on reread--since i first read this as a webcomic--there ARE some issues with pacing here that clearly come from the foibles of its original intended medium. still just excellent, even if after some plot significant haircuts i was having trouble telling a few folks apart.

Lazarus (comic, 1 trade finished 2/8/2020): it’s so good and i want moooooorrrreee--though obviously Rucka and Lark have the right to take all the time they need. the newer longer issues work really well with the epic prestige drama vibes of the story! i’m into it.

The Good Place (TV, 4 seasons finished 2/18/2020): i’m gonna be super honest: i actually wasn’t a big fan of the finale, nor the last season as a whole. it felt like all of Eleanor’s flaws vanished for a majority of the season, and the Chidi-centric episode where they tried to give a legible justification for why he’s Like This was...i didn’t care for it. still, it’s so good and unique on the WHOLE that we’ll literally never get anything like this ever again, and that counts for a lot.

The Old Republic (game, finished 2/21/2020): it’s an MMO so it will never actually Be Finished so long as the servers aren’t shut down, but i caught up on the content i’d missed in the intervening months. Onslaught thus far has mostly been...kinda bland tbh; going back to Imps vs. Rebs after all the shakeups in the previous expansions feels like a waste.

High Road (album, finished 2/22/2020): someone should tell Kesha not to say that word!! otherwise i was very happy with this album, and happy FOR her even though we don’t know each other. being able to find joy again in the same genre of music you made while you were being horrifically exploited is very cool.

Young Justice (TV, 13 episodes finished 2/28/2020): given how much the middle stuff dragged--STOP KILLING YOUR HIJABI CHARACTER IN HORRIFIC WAYS--i was...actually kinda mad by how the end managed to stick the landing anyway. the day being saved by Vic’s self-acceptance and Violet’s sublime compassion was A+, and even the Brion/Tara switchup was a pleasant surprise, though it relied on me caring about Brion MUCH MORE than i actually did.

Manic (album, finished 2/29/2020): do people still care for/about Halsey? i feel like even That One Song that was on every tumblr gifset ever has kinda faded into obscurity at this point. this album was...okay. i feel like people give Halsey a pass for extremely obvious lyrical turns that they wouldn’t for other folks because of her subject material--which is fine. not really my cup of tea, but i also listened to lots of Relient K this year, so that’s probably a good thing.

Jade Empire (game, 3/10/2020): the only 3D-era Bioware game that didn’t franchise out, and for good fucking reason!!! the Orientalism and appropriation really haven’t aged well, and even beyond that the story was...standard Bioware faire. even my usual “my wife’s a bitch i love her” Bioware type didn’t do it for me, and i just ended up romancing no one. it did make me think a lot about what level of cultural borrowing is accepted nowadays, and why: people still look fondly at Avatar and talk about how ~accurate and respectful it was, for example, despite it being staffed almost entirely by white folks, and the Orientalism ALL OVER the monk class in DND is still fine for some reason.

Alif the Unseen (book, finished 3/31/2020): interesting to have read this AFTER reading The Bird King last year, because it highlights how the intervening years have shifted G. Willow Wilson’s thematic interest and improved her craft. i’m actually quite fond of how her characterization work is rougher here--Alif is extremely flawed to the point of being insufferable, but it makes his development by the end more satisfying. Dina is also just good and i love her

Baldur’s Gate (2 games, finished 5/31/2020): well, having finally finished the series i’m happy to say that it...still doesn’t really do it for me, sorry. any awesome story moments were overshadowed by the EXCRUCIATING inventory management system and the combat (i still don’t know what a THAC0 is and at this point i’m afraid to find out). these games crucially lack the Home Base that later Bioware games were so good about, and that (coupled with the huge cast of characters you can drop off and never see again) really hurts the intimacy for me. by the time we finally did get one it was the Hell Dimension in Throne of Bhaal, and i was just...trying to get through it. (yes, i did just say that about one of the most beloved expansions ever to one of the most beloved games ever.) THIS particular iteration of “my wife’s a bitch i love her” was very good, but the game wouldn’t let me romance her :(

The Underground Railroad (book, finished 6/19/2020): honestly what is there even left to say at this point! it was exactly as good as every critic on the planet said it was, even with my usual aversion to hype. draining and horrifying in turns but still insistent upon a future for Black folks.

Steven Universe (6 seasons and a mooooooviiieeee, finished 7/11/2020): yes, i DID finish the show and almost immediately begin a rewatch. this series is now one of my top five most formative things, and the amount of love and respect i have for it is incalculable. that said: i once again did not love how the central conflict of Future was resolved (just the resolution--i loved the finale just fine). for all of Steven’s breakdown was built up, resolving it with “EVERYONE HUG HIM UNTIL HE CRIES” felt...cheap, especially since up until this point the show had been so good about treating trauma and mental illness with the respect and nuance it deserves. it made me wish some of the earlier, less substantial episodes had been cut so we could spend more time at the end.

What It Is (comic, finished 8/19/2020): y’all i love Lynda Barry SO MUCH. for the longest time i was worried that One Hundred Demons was more a lightning in a bottle situation but every book of hers i pick up makes me feel obscure emotions i didn’t even realize existed. the compassionate way she’s able to describe her child self and how weird and fucked up she was (and still is) is honestly aspirational.

She-Ra and the Princesses of Power (TV, 5 seasons finished 9/26/2020): so here’s a reversal of what i’ve been complaining about with other shows: i was mostly lukewarm-to-warm about She-Ra, but the later seasons and the finale made me much more into it as a whole. more shows should improve in stakes and overall quality as they age tbh!! i still don’t actively love Catradora (my sole quibble with season 5 actually has to do with the way Adora kept backsliding as a character to make certain Plot/Relationship things happen), but i’m very happy for them nonetheless. i can certainly appreciate a show that will go for High Feeling over tight plot. dark horse standout moments: trees growing everywhere proving that Perfuma Was Right, and Hordak and Adora seeing each other--that weirdly intimate moment of recognition.

Fetch the Bolt Cutters (album, finished 10/7/2020): again i find myself not having much to say that no one else has said. it’s good! once again love it when an artist reclaims something they’d attached with negative affect (anxiety, depression, disordered eating) for better and brighter things.

Solutions and Other Problems (comic, finished 10/25/2020): i was very into Allie Brosh’s ambition with this book, which feels weird to say but i stand by it. it’s cool to see an artist try to make a new medium work for them instead of just sticking to what already works. not all the experimentation was 100% effective, but it was still delightful and occasionally devastating to read, so.

Legend of Zelda (3 games: Ocarina of Time, Majora’s Mask, Link Between Worlds, finished 11/1/2020): this was the third time i’d played Ocarina of Time, which made it the nice, comforting groove i settled into before Majora’s Mask blatted me in the face. i’m not usually a completionist Zelda person because...the gameplay in Zelda is bad, do not at me it just is, but i really felt like i HAD to be one for Majora’s Mask since the whole point is to get attached to the banalities of the town. i’m sure nobody’s surprised that i loved it, even if it gave me an existential crisis about how life goes on in the game for NPCs when you’re not there to save them from it, and there’s not enough time to save them all all the time (also not a surprise to anyone: Romani and Cremia gave Personal Feelings). Link Between Worlds...bad. not like in a “this is a bad story by every measurable gauge” way, but i was already struggling with the 2D playstyle shift enough that for the whole story to end with some “yes it’s v sad that Lorule is Like This but trying to steal Hyrule’s privilege is Even Worse Actually” noblesse oblige bullshit left a VERY poor taste in my mouth, this year of all years. i did audibly gasp when Ravio took off his mask, though. i’m currently playing Breath of the Wild in cautious increments; it’s the first time i’ve enjoyed early Zelda gameplay, but if they wanted fully voiced cutscenes i wish they got voice actors who...knew what words sound like.

folklore (album, finished 11/6/2020): my belief that Taylor Swift is Just Fine continues, i’m afraid. i LIKED this album, don’t get me wrong, and respect her constant drive to innovate, but i didn’t love it substantially more or less than any other Taylor Swift album. mostly i’m just tickled by how she thinks leaning into the indie aesthetic means borrowing Vita Sackville-West’s entire wardrobe, though i will admit to feeling Something when she swore in a song. i think it was like. savage vindication?? you go ahead and swear, Taylor Swift. you deserve it.

Shore (album, finished 11/19/2020): do people still care about the Fleet Foxes? i think there was some Drama with Josh Tillman a while back but i don’t remember where the discourse landed with who was being more problematic. it was nostalgic for me to listen to their new album--made me remember being an undergrad who exclusively listened to men who mumbled and played acoustic guitar all over again.

Star Wars (3 movies: original trilogy, finished 11/27/2020): there is So Much bad Star Wars these days that every time i rewatch the original trilogy i’m afraid that they will suddenly be bad, but guess what! they’re not. i love these children and their hot mess stories, i love that Lando doesn’t know how to say his best friend’s name. what stood out to me this time was the way Obi-Wan described the Force in A New Hope, which strongly implied that ANYONE can be Force Sensitive; that obviously faded with each subsequent movie, but part of me does wish they’d kept it.

X of Swords (comics, 22 issues finished 12/5/2020): i am enjoying Hickman’s X-lines!!! not so much here for the Grand Conspiracy or whatever, but the character work and highkey weirdness is fabulous--they FEEL like X-Men, despite all the shakeups in-universe. this crossover is a nice microcosm of all that: grandiloquently all over the place, but still full of cool standout moments and genuine hilarity. ILLYANA DOESN’T KNOW HOW TO SPELL MAGIC.

Fire Emblem (4 games: Sacred Stones, Path of Radiance, Radiant Dawn, Awakening, finished 12/14/2020): this was the thing that i was closest to giving up early on, but i ended up hyperfixating on it instead. that’s a credit to what the gameplay does to my lizard brain more than anything else, because the story and character writing is...insipid. it was very bizarre to witness this franchise blunder around with its animal-people racism allegory around the same time i was getting back into RWBY, and ITS animal-people racism allegory blunders. Awakening was the first time i felt anything for the franchise beyond “teehee red units disappear make exp bar go up and brain go ding,” so i’m excited for more mature storytelling in subsequent games (they MUST get better. they MUST). the child husbandry thing is...very bad tho, and Apotheosis being “challenging” entirely through the game changing all the rules is also bad.

once again no vidya games that came out this year--i’ll probably pick up Spiritfarer or Hades after the New Year, though (or maybe TLOU II! but probably not. sry Laura and Ashley). more TV and franchises this year, which made me feel In Touch with the Children but was also kinda exhausting. nothing was so egregiously terrible i dropped it without finishing! in a year like this that feels almost like an accomplishment

#conspicuous media consumption

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lovemesomesurveys · 4 years

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How have you been feeling lately? Have you been doing ok? Ehhh, ya know how it is.

Are you currently in quarantine? I mean, places have started to open up again and so many people are out living life like nothing and I’m just like....what. Towards the end of last month was the first time I left the house in 3 months and I haven’t left since, almost a month later. I’m definitely still quarantining. We’re still very much in the thick of this thing, it hasn’t gone anywhere and won’t for a long time. Don’t let the fact that places are opening up again fool you.

Do you wear a mask when you go to the store? I absolutely would if I ever went anywhere. And actually, masks are mandatory in California.

Does your state require people to wear masks in stores? ^^^^

Do you know anyone who’s had the coronavirus? A family friend had it a few months ago. She thankfully is fine.

What was the last sweet treat you ate? A couple spoonfuls of frosting lmao. That’s been my go-to treat lately.

Was it a nice day out today? It’s supposed to be 100F today...

Is the weather nice where you live usually? Uh, most people would probably say that because most like warm, sunny weather. I’m not one of those people.

What was the last thing you ordered online? A book.

Are you expecting a package right now? Aforementioned book.

Have you ever ordered anything from Wish? If so, what did you buy, and did you feel it was worth it? Nope.

Are you a youtuber? If so, are you consistent with uploads? and how many subscribers do you have? Noooo.

What is one thing you hate about summer? The heat!

Did you go outside today? It’s only 6:30AM, but no I won’t be going outside today.

What is the name of your youtube channel, if you have one? I have a YouTube account so I can subscribe and leave comments if I wish, but I don’t make videos.

What was the name of the last store or restaurant that overcharged you? Hmm. I don’t recall.

Is your room more often messy or clean? It’s a little disorganized at the moment. :/

Who is someone you miss? Loved ones who have passed away.

What is something you miss? I want to go to the beach and to the movies again.

Do you feel like your emotions are often haywire? Yes.

Have you ever received a misdiagnosis from a doctor? Yes.

Have you ever been “diagnosed” with a mental illness from an online friend? who is not a doctor? If yes, isn’t that frustrating? No, I haven’t.

Do you have any friends that you can trust and tell everything to? Like I always say, you guys honestly know the most.

What was the name of your favorite roommate you’ve had? I’ve never had a roommate.

Do you have a favorite book that you’ve read multiple times? I’ve never reread a book, actually. I’ve talked about this before, but I just can’t do that for some reason. I can rewatch movies and TV shows, but not reread a book. I guess with the first two it doesn’t require my attention. If it’s something I’ve seen, I don’t have to pay as close attention to it. I can kind of tune in and out or have it on in the background. With a book, that requires your attention. And if I’ve already read it, I know what happens, and I guess it doesn’t hold my attention the same way? Or it’s harder to hold my attention, I guess. But then TV shows and movies, I do like rewatching because I discover things I didn’t the first time and things make sense that didn’t before, ya know? I’m sure that would happen with books, too, so I don’t knowww. It’s hard to explain, man.

What’s one book or book series that you’ve read multiple times?

What was the name of the funniest kid you’ve ever babysat? I’ve only babysat my younger brother and a couple of my cousins when they were kids.

Do you enjoy babysitting? No.

Do you have any big regrets? Yep, plenty.

Are there things about your past that bother you? A lot of things.

What was the last thing you saw or read on social media that made you angry? There’s a lot to be angry about right now.

Do you often post about controversial topics on facebook? Nooo. I really never do.

Do you think it’s a good idea to post about serious topics on social media? or do you think that it’s better to discuss serious topics in person? There’s a lot of benefits to doing that. Like, you’re able to reach a larger audience and spread information quicker. For some it’s easier to discuss things like that in that way instead of verbally or in person. There’s drawbacks, too. Misinformation is often easily spread. Things get misconstrued and interpreted wrong. Tone doesn’t come across the same. And some things shouldn’t be aired out for all to see and should be discussed in private. It really just depends.

What was your favorite book you had to read for school? A Brave New World by Aldous Huxley.

Have you ever failed a class and had to repeat it? I had to retake a math course once while at community college.

What class in school did you hate the most? M a t h.

Have you ever wanted to be a teacher? Yeah, when I was a kid. I loved playing school.

What’s one childhood dream that has stuck with you, and one that has not? Hmm. Well, I definitely no longer want to be a teacher.

Would you want to re-live your childhood over again if you could? Absolutely. Take me baaaack.

Which do you like more: being an adult or being a kid? I really miss being a kid. This adult thing sucks.

At what age were you when you started to feel like you were mature enough to offer others advice? I wasn’t at all qualified to be giving advice when I was like 12, but there I was. I actually spent a lot of time on the AOL kid and teen message boards and there was a section to discuss things like mental health and struggles people were going through. I used to comment on those posts and chat with people giving out advice that I somehow had at that age. Or I guess thought I had. People came to me advice. My friends always did, too. I was the go-to friend for advice or to just lend an ear.

Did your parents smoke or drink when you were growing up? My dad enjoys his beer, and every once in awhile something stronger, but that’s it. My mom will have a drink or two every once in a great while.

Do you enjoy bonfires? Yesss.

Have you ever stepped on a sparkler? No.

What, do you know of, are you allergic to? Tangerines. Super random, I know.

Have you ever ridden in an ambulence? Yes.

What is your favorite version of the Bible to read, if applicable? NIV.

Do you follow trends? or are you a trendsetter? I’m no trendsetter. I’m not much of a trend follower, either. I just like what I like and do what I want.

Has anyone ever described you as a trendsetter? No.

Do you know anyone who used to be loving, but then turned cold? List three people you’ve known whom this has happened to. I feel like I kind of have these past few years. :X I’m not a heartless, non-loving person, but I just feel like I’ve been hardened. I’m guarded. I’m hurt. I’m sad. I’m angry. I’m so irritable and moody all the time. I’ve pushed everyone away. I’ve been distant and withdrawn and closed off. I feel I’ve been very selfish, too. I haven’t been there for others like I used to be and should be. I’m not social. So yeah, in those ways I do feel like I’ve turned cold.

What SAT subjects, if any, did you get a perfect score in? I never took the SATs.

What were your best subjects in school? and what was your favorite subject in school? English.

Have you ever been abused by a parent or legal guardian? No.

Do you have a lot of wounds from your past? Yes.

Has anyone ever called you a jerk? I’m sure my former friends had a lot of choice words for me.

Are you a jerk? I don’t think I’m a jerk. But for the reasons I listed a few questions up I don’t feel I’ve been very nice.

What color were your bedroom walls in high school? My walls have always been white.

Is there a girl or guy you wish you hadn’t let slip away? Yes, Ty. :/

Is there an old friend that you miss and would like to reconnect with? I miss them, but reconnecting now wouldn’t be right. I’m still not in the place to do so. I can’t give the attention and focus and energy to that right now.

Who has hurt you the most? Myself.

Have you been bullied? No. The only person who has been mean to me and put me down is myself.

Which talent show, if any, would you most like to audition for? and have you auditioned for one? I have no talent.

Do you know anyone who’s auditioned for American Idol? Nope.

Is there someone you think should audition that hasn’t yet? No.

What time of day do you usually feel your best? I haven’t felt my best in a very long time, but I like the time of day when I have my first cup of coffee and in the middle of the night when I’m doing surveys and listening to ASMR.

What’s one way in which you’ve changed within the last ten years? Oh, man. I’ve changed a lot and not in a good way.

Do you feel like time goes by fast, or slow? It’s weird. In the moment, day by day, it feels super slow. Some days it literally feels like the time froze or is moving extra slowly. But then before I know it, another week has gone by. Another month. Another year. Like, we’re already almost done with June and it feels like it just started. The past few months have felt that way to me. But then at the same time 2020 has felt like 84 years???

Who do you know who has died of cancer? No one, thankfully.

Has there been cancer in your family? Yes.

Have you ever stayed overnight in a hospital, and if so, what for? Yeah. I’ve had to stay months in the hospital after surgical procedures.

Have you ever been a victim of police misconduct? No.

Have you ever been so angry you wanted to sue someone? Uh, no. I’m angry with you, so I’m gonna sue! lol.

Have you ever been a victim of racism? I’ve never felt that, no.

Have you ever deleted a friend on facebook for making racist comments? No, I haven’t had anyone on my Facebook make such comments.

What was the last thing you ate? Ramen. Surprise, surprise.

What was the theme of your senior prom? I actually don’t remember.

Did you go to prom? I did.

Have ever been engaged or married? Nope.

Are you an aunt or uncle? No.

Do you live to glorify God and to do His will? Yes.

Are you happy with the way you are living your life day-to-day right now? Absolutely not.

Do you feel like your life was better or worse six years ago? Wow, 2014. It was so different. I was in college and I wasn’t dealing with some of the health stuff I’m dealing with now. I’ve always struggled with depression, but I wasn’t in the low place then that I’ve been in the last few years. I actually had friends back then, too. I didn’t let myself go and neglect myself at that time.

Have you ever made a huge, catastrophic mistake? It sure feels that way to me.

Do you feel like you are currently in a state of suffering? and that not all of your basic needs are being met? If so, how long have you been in a state of suffering? My basic needs, such as food, water, shelter, and clothing, are met. I’m very fortunate in that way.

Do you hate social injustice? >> Nah, I love it. It’s just great. It’s the best thing ever– <<< Right?? What a dumb question.

Are you happy with the current social class you are in? Like I said, I have food and clothing and a roof over my head. I have the necessities. I also am able to have a lot of things that I don’t necessarily need, but just want and enjoy. That’s not to say that my family and I don’t have financial stressors, but we’re doing fine.

Life isn’t fair. True or false? It’s not always what we think of as fair. It’s also subjective. What’s fair or unfair to one, isn’t to another.

Do you hate that life is so unfair? There are definitely a lot of things that I don’t feel are fair and yeah, it sucks.

Name a few people who seem to have everything handed to them. I don’t really know anyone like that, personally.

Who do you go to when you’re upset? No one, usually.

Do you pray less or more than you did 5 years ago? Five years ago I didn’t pray at all.

Do you pray a lot? No. :/ That’s something I really want to work on.

Do you frequently have back pain? Yes, I have chronic pain.

What’s the worst side effect you’ve experienced for a medication? and what’s the worst withdrawal effect you’ve experienced from a medicine? I haven’t liked the way the anti-depressants I’ve tried made me feel. I also didn’t feel they were working, so it wasn’t worth it to me to continue taking them. Perhaps I just didn’t find the right one for me, but I’ve been afraid about trying more. I also worry about getting on and then eventually getting off them. I’ve heard about withdraw side effects like brain zaps and that doesn’t sound pleasant. I was fortunate that I hadn’t experienced that from the ones I was on. On another note, I have been on vicodin for several years for pain management and that would definitely cause ugly withdrawal symptoms.

Have you ever used an epi pen? No.

What’s a name that you like but probably wouldn’t use for one of your kids? I don’t even plan on having kids, so.

What’s you name, and do you like it? Stephanie. Yeah, it suits me fine.

Would you prefer to give your kids common names or unique names?

Do you feel like anybody values you in the way that you deserve? I don’t value myself, so I don’t feel I deserve to be valued.

Who have you felt the most valued by? I know my family does.

Have you ever been treated like you were inferior? Yes.

What was the name of the biggest bully in your high school? If there was one, I didn’t know. High school for me wasn’t at all like how it’s portrayed in movies. There wasn’t the snobby popular girl or clique that walked around campus and owned the school. There were popular kids, sure, but it wasn’t like that. And there also wasn’t the big bully who went around stuffing kids in trash cans or lockers or knocking their books down or something. I can’t say no one was bullied, but again it wasn’t like how it’s shown in movies and TV shows.

Do you ever sleep outside? No.

How many siblings do you have? Two.

Are you the oldest, youngest, middle, or only child? I’m the middle kid.

How many kids do you want to have? Zero.

Do you want to get married? No.

Best date you’ve been on? Coffee shop and bookstore dates with Ty.

Dream date? Beach/boardwalk and Disneyland.

Ever kissed someone on New Year’s? Nope.

Have you ever had an experience so good you felt like you were flying? When I had too much of an edible.

Have you ever been in so much pain you prayed that you would die? Yes.

What brings you the most joy? My doggo.

What is your passion; what is it that would bring you the most joy and fulfillment in life? I don’t know.

Have you ever laid your dreams aside because someone else wanted you to? No.

Who supports you in everything you do? My family.

Who always tries to stop you whenever you try to go after your dreams? No one. The only thing that has stopped me and got in my way is me. And my health.

Do you believe in following your heart, in going after your dreams? Yes. If you have dreams and a passion, you absolutely should go after them.

Do you wish other people would want you to be happy? Other people do want me to be happy. It’s my brain that doesn’t.

Do you wish you had someone who loved and supported you? I do.

#personal #text #survey #surveys

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moriartysqueen · 5 years

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Why I can’t quit Sherlock

Hello everybody.

This might be very weird, considering I rarely speak on my blog myself. Usually I just let reblogs, pictures, aesthetics and quotes speak for me.

This is the first time that I am openly voicing my thoughts and opinions on season 4. It’s been over two years now and I have slowly started to heal. Well, almost.

You all might have noticed that the Sherlock fandom has been rather dead after the disappointment that was season 4. I tried to keep up my blog about my favorite character, Jim Moriarty, regardless of what the writers made of him in season 4. I really tried. But some day, every single picture and gif of Moriarty has been reblogged, all the videos are watched, all the matching aesthetic about him or about Sheriarty or the other villains in the show has ended up on my blog. I tried to space out posts by using the queue, I tried looking on other social media outlets for new content, but eventually I had to face reality and accept that despite all my hopes, we will NOT be getting any new Moriarty-content.

It’s sad to say, but we all probably already accepted that there will probably not be a fifth season of Sherlock. Not that anybody actually wants it after what they did with season 4.

I have been rather quiet about the issue. So many other fandom-bloggers have spoken their mind about everything that went wrong with season 4. About how the writers didn’t care about us, about the original stories, about the characters and their relationships, about consistency in the story or about the sensitivity with the content they dealt with. They seemed to only care about the shock factor, trying to grab the audience by shocking them with the unexpected – in this case, the unexpected was something that evidently no one saw coming: because it does not make any sense.

Other people were mad because of TJLC. Like others, I have spent months, if not years researching TJLC, writing meta and fanfic and try to make sense of it. I WANTED to believe. I wanted to believe that it WASN’T just queerbaiting. I wanted to believe that the writers of this show, who have given us so many incredible episodes before, would be capable of adapting a realistic queer romance between two of the most well-known characters to ever exist – Sherlock Holmes and John Watson. We had faith that writers like Steven Moffat and Mark Gatiss, the latter being a gay man himself, could be the first to make tv-history. To create a tense and compelling tv show about crime solving, that just happened to have some gay romance in it.

And, understandably so, people were PISSED when we eventually had to find out in season 4, that it WAS all “just a cheap gay joke”. People were seriously hurt. I talked to fans whose mental health had decreased rapidly after seeing that the show we all loved could easily be diminished to a couple of gay jokes for views. That the beautiful friendship and eventually love-story we saw unfold was just a marketing strategy.

What made the least sense to me however in season 4 was: WHAT. HAPPENED. TO. MORIARTY?

Moriarty’s return had been teasered since after the end of season 2. “Did you miss me?” was part of almost every single advertisement for the following seasons. Hell, they made an entire 90 minute episode about how Moriarty could have possibly survived his suicide. The interviews, the ads, EVERYTHING teasered Moriartys return. And it makes sense – a story about a hero obviously needs a main arch enemy. And I do not buy that they had it planned all this time that Sherlocks own sister – who doesn’t even exist in the canon by the way – was behind everything Sherlock ever had to go through.

I believed in Moriarty and I kept this blog going because I knew he would eventually return – and we would eventually get a brilliant resolution to how he survived his suicide and what he had done in the meantime. I was ready for this.

But by the looks of it, we will never get this conclusion.

This fandom and this show have stressed me out so much, again and again. I rewatch the earlier episodes and I feel like SHIT, knowing what eventually became of the show I had so much faith in.

So I tried to quit it. I tried taking time away from the show, from this blog, from everything that could possibly remind me of this story.

I tried to flee into other fandoms and tv shows. And it does work for the most part. Hannibal has quickly become my favorite tv show after Sherlock, portraying an aesthetically pleasing tv show with a beautiful, unspoken love-story that had been confirmed by the writers.

But my mind kept going back to Sherlock, to this awesome tv show with the incredible acting, all these episodes that caught me and captured me, sometimes led me to think about one episode for the rest of the day or week. It was like a drug – I knew how bad and toxic this fandom and this tv show is for me, I knew that there was no winning. I knew that I would feel bad after rewatching it, even if it was my favorite episode. But I just couldn’t stop – I rewatched the old TJLC content, I reread all the metas and fanfics I used to love, I continued writing my own stories and my head was still wrapped around this universe.

The way I coped was to just ignore season 4 ever happened. I act as though it is still the hiatus after season 3, where we were all so sure about what was going to come. Where we would all geek out together and imagine what it would be like after IT happened.

I have accepted that I cannot quit, no matter how much I want to.

In October, I have a tattoo appointment to get the phrase “I made me.” tattooed on my collar bone. Not because Sherlock is my favorite tv show. Not because I love the characters, the original stories, the actors and the adaptions.

It’s to remind myself of the good times I had. And the painful times. All the emotions I had with this show, the people I met and the things I’ve learned from this show. It’s a reminder. A reminder that even if I will eventually move on, there was something.

Because sometimes, you need to learn to live with an addiction.

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superbatson · 6 years

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shazam teaser breakdown

while making some gifs, i rewatched the first trailer we got for the film and in slowing it down (for gif timing and all that), i noticed a bunch of new things that i wanna talk about :)

(if i were some cool youtuber with epic editing skills, this would be a video; but alas, i am just a blogger, so here’s a text post instead)

one of the first things i noticed was actually in the middle of the trailer, because i was skimming through and just happened to pause it at this point:

obviously, billy was smart to hop onto a train to get away from the bullies. but look how cute he is, smiling as the doors shut and he successfully makes his getaway. i mean, i guess i’m saying it’s cute bc asher just has a cute dimpled smile in general, but i do also love how smug he is that he won this little fight

next, earlier today, i started rereading the new 52 comic that this film is heavily based off of, and i noticed that it appears that all the boys - billy, freddy, pedro, and eugene - share a room in the comic. but it looks like the room that billy will call his own in the film is much smaller than the one in the comic...

there’s just room for one small bunk bed. yes, in the comic, the other bunk bed is on the opposite wall, but the room isn’t wide enough for that because

the desk’s on the other side.

just wanted to get another screenshot of the bedroom, though it’s worth noting that when billy sees freddy stand up from the desk, he stares at his crutch. yeah, the brightness of this one wall versus where the beds are could point to billy and freddy actually not sharing a room, but logically it would make sense for them to share as they’re around the same age. (in real life, asher is - now - 16 and i think jack is 15, but in the film i think they’re both 14??? or, at least, billy is. apparently freddy has been a year older than him in some comics, so that may still be true in the movie. we’ll see.)

one more thing while in this bedroom scene, i remember breaking down a still image of all the easter eggs in this scene before, but i noticed a few small new ones when freddy opens his drawer of newspapers (and superman’s bullet)

four of the newspapers are issues of the daily planet. one clearly shows the first three letters, d a i, of the word, and if you look closely, it also mentions metropolis. the font appears to be the same for the three papers on its right, and the headline on that issue seems to be “what is superman’s real agenda?” i don’t know where the paper on the left of that is from, but the picture looks like the ship zod & crew arrived on, so this is clearly a whole drawer dedicated to superman.

that’s made most clear by the issue all the way on the right, which has his name in big letters. something i hadn’t noticed before, though, is where that paper is from: gotham free press. it’s not that big a deal, but i wonder if that’s supposed to be a paper from around the time of bvs rather than the others which may be from during mos. (oh, and on that paper directly to the right of the “real agenda” one, you can kind of make out a mention of lexcorp. yay easter eggs!)

another thing to mention in this post is just me paying attention to the editing of this trailer, because in the first couple seconds, you see billy running down the street, which cuts right to a shot of him hopping into the driver’s seat of a car, but the two shots don’t actually go together

you can see in the background those two bullies who attacked freddy. obviously they must get back on their feet after billy knocks them down and they chase him through the neighborhood

this shot is from later in the trailer, after they show the fight, but based on the bricks, you can tell this is just billy cutting around the corner of the same building. based on the bikes, maybe it’s another school - like, an elementary school??? perhaps it’s darla’s???

i could really go on for hours now, breaking down every shot of this trailer, but last thing, which i may have pointed out before, but i now notice more because of my comic reread

billy looks flat out sad upon meeting the vasquez’s and being adopted(?)/taken in(?) by them

i swear, you can see tears forming in his eyes in this above shot. i mean, i can understand why he’d be sad, ‘cause according to that junior novel excerpt, (spoilers ahead) the movie starts with him on the hunt for his biological mom, as according to this origin, he was just separated from her at i believe the local carnival and just never found her again. so he’s convinced she’s still alive, which would make him be upset over the fact that he’s being sent to live with another foster family when he just wants to find his mom. (end of spoilers)

i guess i also mostly included that last screenshot/point because, well, in the comics, billy is shown to be a bit more smug/sly. once his meeting with the vasquez’s is over, he makes snide comments and is even snappy with his social worker right until he steps on the doorsteps of his new foster home. yes, he is later shown to have a heart when he defends his foster siblings from the bullies, but he’s otherwise a bit more... i guess hardened, is the right word? whereas in the film, he just seems more.. not weak, but softer-hearted, if that’s a term that even exists? more in touch with his emotions. he’s still kinda smug - he wants to “fly away” from his superhero convo with freddy in the cafeteria, he beats up bullies - and street smart, but as i’ve seen people complain about how geoff johns characterized billy in his previous new 52 run, this seems to really stray away from that. or, at least, it’s a combination of that version and the sweeter version of the character people have come to love in the past.

so, yeah, that’s about it. like i said, i could go on for hours, but i’m kinda tired, so if i think to break more of the trailer down, you’ll be hearing from me again! till next time!

#shazam #trailer breakdown #speculation #spoilers #at least i briefly touch upon early plot details from the junior novel #just the excerpt i read and shared snippets of #i'm very hyped for this movie if you couldn't already tell lol

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alicemitch09writes · 2 years

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hello once more 🍃 i'm revisiting your blog again in remembrance of your ulma series + spin-offs with suna, and here i was pleasantly surprised with forever person epiphanies!!

i've sent asks in the past praising you for your writing and storytelling, and here i am again. somehow, i always find myself coming back here, and that must be a testament to how good you are, because your work has always left a lasting impression on me. so here's me commending you and showering you with compliments all over again 😅

i'm unsure how to put it into words, but witnessing how everything fell into place for atsumu in forever person epiphanies just.. felt right. unpacking how he truly felt was a hard pill to swallow. he still has his hang ups over it, but somehow it doesn't feel sad. yn might have moved past the chapter in her life when she had loved atsumu, but he takes it in stride. he continued to show support and happiness for both her and suna. it just feels.. right. even if it isn't love in a romantic sense on yn's end, there's still that love shared between them nonetheless. seeing them continue to care and be involved in each other's lives just felt so pure.

it reminds me of how ulma ended— it was bittersweet, but overall there was hope. it leaves you feeling happy. of everyone's character arcs in this series, i felt proudest seeing how atsumu had matured throughout the years. though there were many nails in the coffin for him with how he continues to feel towards yn—and subsequently, suna—it made me happy seeing him evolve from it.

there's just something so wonderful about your writing that keeps me coming back. anyone could have written this story, but because it's you who did so, i always walk away from your stories feeling profound and thoughtful in some way. you've outdone yourself time and time again.

those excerpts and final letter at the end? don't even get me started with those. yn really bore all of herself to atsumu in those letters. i don't know how to best describe it, but it was brimming with raw emotion. it felt very.. cathartic. she did not spare him a single detail in all her accounts of him— even the bad memories.

ps. the last time i revisited your blog for ulma, i was greeted with oli. now, i'm being greeted with fpe 😅 the world of atsumu and yn will never not be one of best i've ever read, regardless of their story being a fic or not. the lives of everyone involved will always be homey. there's a sense of candidness and familiarity. there's so much more i want to say, but it feels like words won't suffice. as always, thank you for sharing your writing with us! i really do appreciate your work. you have a great mind 💖

sorry for practically leaving an essay in your asks! now if you'll excuse me, i would like to catch up with your other works hehe. please stay well and take care of yourself!

(had to rewrite this ask because i'm unsure if the previous one went through due to my crappy connection, so apologies if there are doubles! also fixed this rewrite a bit, so disregard the first one if so ✨)

omo! thank you so much for the words, sweetpea!

truth be told, the three little foxes series still has a very special place in my heart that i just can't seem to forget all too easily. it's one of my most successful fics, and i'm just really grateful that the lot of you enjoyed it!

this story has all my heartaches growing up - especially as a middle child, along with my feelings about certain topics, and it's an exploration of youth through a jaded adult's eyes who had to remember certain traumas.

before i even finished/conceptualized oli, i had already through of 'fpe' and gave it a thought. at one point, i jokingly thought to make it yandere but scraped it (mostly bc, im uncomfortable with it) because it really felt like a disservice to the atsumu i thought in my head and the canon atsumu.

i spent a great deal of research on atsumu's character - from rereading the manga, rewatching clips, and watching this one video essay. to really get to know him and figure out how i would like to work on his story. ofc, there'll be angst bc it's my specialty hehe~

tbh those letters were a complete accident. i planned on just one, but then someone mentioned wanting to read all 14 of them. so i thought, okay why not. i felt a bit cringe writing them, because i recalled confessing to MY first love via a letter.

thanks so much for the compliment on my writing! tbh, i'm still super insecure with my writing, especially because i know i can write, but with how the world is right now and my mental state, i feel like i'm wasting it. most of my writing is mostly inspired, borrowed then paraphrased by a lot - fics, books, anime, series, movies, etc, but i mostly try to keep the core of it. if that even makes sense.

thanks again sweetpea!

i'm currently working on sakusa's fic next and have left some clues in 'forever person epiphanies!' ;D

until the next time~

#alicemitch09 answers #fic reviews #why are you all suddenly after my heart #how dare yall #cries

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12-99-30 · 4 years

Text

Unorganized Thoughts from April

*Warning: contains a lot of unnecessary quotes. It’s the 2012 Tumblr in me that can’t escape*

Each month I feel like I’m a different version of myself than I was before. I’m tracking progress where there are days that I’m excelling, and days where I feel like I’m exactly where I started. I don’t realize how fast time is moving, and how much I’m growing with each passing day until I find myself in a different spot with a different mindset than before.

April was the first full month of experiencing quarantine lock-down. Most mornings, I start off by listening to The Daily podcast and try to wrap my head around this new normal. We probably won’t get to experience “normalcy” until at least another year, and that’s generous. Even with the production of a vaccine, there’s the issue of mass-production and mass-distribution. We also need to consider priority to people who are most vulnerable. Even then, the virus will still be spreading. I’m mourning the lost luxuries of everyday life (*sighs*).

The first two weeks of April in lock-down were therapeutic. I’m privileged enough to look at this quarantine as a time to slow down, pause, and invest in things I’ve been putting off. I know many families in the world can’t experience that right now. This is a financially stressful time for most, and a period of prolonged anxiety and fear. I’m sorry if this post offends anyone.

Being inside protected me from the outside world. Somehow, the idea of the world stopping put a cap on how much of my worries could grow. I wake up with assurance that my mom will be sitting on her blue exercise ball, greeting me with a warm “Good morning, darling” as she does her work in the kitchen. My dad will be sitting in his dining room chair, on the phone yelling at his coworker who he refuses to acknowledge as a friend. If it’s past 10 AM, N-- will be playing Animal Crossing on the Switch or “working”. Y-- will be comfortably sleeping in bed after a night of playing Fortnite until 4 AM. There is always an aroma circulating around the house - baked banana bread, chocolate oatmeal cookies, brownies, or even dumplings. In quarantine, I’m able to control the things around me to maximize my time and well-being. I am grateful to have so many things to celebrate during this time.

But like all things of this earth, it leans towards corruption. As the weeks inside passed, my indulgence in anxiety-ridden, thoughts became overwhelming.

My 83 year old grandma got COVID-19. I was never close with her, so I had this guilt sensation that I should’ve been feeling more worried, scared, and saddened, when I didn’t. Instead I felt weighted by the sight of my dad feeling helpless. The “strongest” man of the family suddenly transformed into a man of anger, tears, and a man desperate to make up for lost years. It’s times like these where you learn to apply everything the church is teaching you; to not live in fear, to love thy neighbor, and to seek God fervently. I attest that it’s so much easier said than done.

As a person popped into my life for a passing moment, I felt like a girl ready to ditch her antibiotics just because the symptoms were being relieved. But J-- C-- (of course lol), sent me this piece of wisdom:

5 Better is open rebuke

than hidden love.

6 Faithful are the wounds of a friend;

profuse are the kisses of an enemy.

As the cheesy, Tumblr, teenage, coming-of-age, film quote states: “We accept the love we think we deserve.” Since tasting the love of God, I realize I deserve so much more. I deserve a friend who is honest, who values me, who won’t make me feel like I’m a choice out of convenience. A friend who comes clean of all things the first time. If this is him, trying to sweep the guilt for the pain he caused me under a rug, I don’t want it. If this is him trying to hold onto to two worlds, I withdraw from this game. I am slowly learning how to die to myself. To not let my emotions rule, and submit to the wisdom of Jesus. I’m working through forgiveness, but texted-apologies are empty unless there is action. Action has continuously proven to me that selfishness will continue to rule.

“When someone shows you who they are, believe them.” - Maya Angelou

I believe what I saw. I believe what I continue to see. Until God takes hold, I refuse to fall into quicksand again.

But even understanding these truths, there were many days where I slipped. It felt like I was chained to the thought of them, weighing me down and disrupting my peace of mind. There continued to times where I got vivid memories of everything. How it felt to read those texts that they were in NOVA, to see the location and know she was there, to have to take an exam with a hole in my gut. I feel chained to this embarrassment and shame that I was so ~stupid~ to miss him while he was in Richmond, DC, and her apartment. To convince myself that I was somehow on his mind. To not feel like a failure in all of this. I’m reliving these things over and over and I just want to escape. But God is calling me to remember it all. To remind myself to not be foolish. To put up a guard and draw closer to Him.

I reread 2 Corinthians 4 many times this month, each time with a new reason (and sometimes the same).

“8 We are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not driven to despair; 9 persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed;”

“ 16 So we do not lose heart. Though our 17 outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, 18 as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal.”

Light and momentary compared to the eternal weight of glory.

The mourning of COVID-19 and my own heartbreak feels like forever. But in this life - it’s so short. It’s passing. There is a Forever with God to remind me that this pandemic, this grief, and this anxiety will pass. The spiritual transformation that God intends for us through our struggles is to make us more like Jesus. This is an invitation to let God do deep work in us. To strip us down of everything and turn us into something beautiful. Suffering is one of the few things that can turn us into the image of Jesus, but only if we let him. Only if we have the capability to be honest with ourselves to say that we want to surrender our whole life to Him. Live like God is among us, because He is.

“Aim at heaven, you will get earth thrown in. Aim at earth, you get neither.” - C.S. Lewis

I get to ~proudly~ say that I’m not perfect by any standards. But I am working on the person I am becoming, and focusing less on the final product of my character. Pastor D.L. puts it plainly: “The secret to life is your life in secret”

Our public failure is always preceded by private failure. Success as a married person is your success as a single person. I am striving for success in all realms of my life. A heavenly mindset that everything in this life is temporary, but the person I am is the person that will meet the Father one day. I am working on patience and care within my family, the people I take most for granted. I want to be a person who everyone can rely on to be consistent. It starts within a home.

A Moment of Gratitude:

Despite being alone for most of quarantine, I’m thankful to never feel lonely. I’m thankful that despite church not meeting physically in-person, we’re able to continue to meet and cultivate faith in our own homes. I’m thankful for my friends who continue to hear me list the same problems time and time again, and reaffirm me that they are always walking beside me.

I’m thankful for this momentary affliction. It reminds me I’m human (lol), and I need God. People come out of suffering - in spite of the bitterness, devastation, and loss - as better people. They come out as the best of people. I’m starting to see resilience being built in my family and myself. A new definition of love. A holy mixture of patience and hope.

I’ll end this post with a snippet of quarantine life:

We gather around the family sofa, rewatching childhood videos. I could feel all our eyes glued to the screen; the room echoes with reminiscent laughter and immense warm gratitude fill our chests. The videos of raw scenes of sharing coco puffs in the morning seemed exciting. Walking around Georgetown was an adventure. To anyone else, these are poorly edited videos with no climax. But to us, it reminds me of where I’m rooted. That no matter what I’m doing, where I am, everyday is exciting when you’re surrounded by the people you love. Thank you, Dad for capturing the ordinary moments. I hope to share these videos with someone who finds beauty in these intimate videos. Who will feel what I felt and see what I see.

#posts

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dyemelikeasunset · 8 years

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Naf, what are your favorite animes/mangas? Also, happy new year!! :)

Happy new year!!

So I had an old list of my favorite anime/manga but it’s a bit outdated so I’m gonna make a new one. Yeah!

(this is a long as fuck post, apologies!)

Comics/Manga:

Otoyomegatari (eng: Bride’s Story): so I know this series is already pretty renowned but IT’S JUST SO GORGEOUS. The detail and research that goes into this series is so! frickin’! good!! The characters are subtle but full of personality, the humor is delivered in a very human way, the pacing is slow and gentle but full of interest, the story telling is refined. And the cultures are not demonized?? While there are “outsider” perspectives everyone works realistically within the confines of their societies and it’s really respectful. The age gap of the main couple (the groom is 12 and the bride is 20) has so much potential to be squicky but it’s healthy and not framed in any gross way. I love the way the series jumps to different areas and explores small arcs outside the main storyline, all staying within the theme of cultural marriages. Among these side stories, there is one with a majority dark-skinned cast, and the main characters are these carefree and fun-loving twin girls who are so much fun to read about! There’s also another story with a healthy polyamorous story that is, again, actually very accurate!! (Some people could argue it’s “platonic” but the way it’s executed really, really drips with romance lmao.) Highly suggest this series!!

Boku no Hero Academia (eng:My Hero Academy): I’ve completely fallen into the BnHA pit. I didn’t expect to like this series THIS MUCH but it is really, reeaaalllyyy damn good. I’ve never read a shounen series that had so much thought and good editing put into it. Like, it has incredible reread value! There’re a lot of small jokes (like single-panel but still very effective! jokes), unbelievable attention to detail, and it’s very obvious the characters were all worked out before the story was kicked off. The pacing is great, the momentum never feels sacrificed, yet there are still good chunks for breathing and emotional development. The characters are all very well-written even if they’re not “likeable,” you always have someone to root for, and the superpowers are refreshingly executed. The action is fucking FANTASTIC, and the story itself is intriguing with a lot of emotional impact without becoming hamfisted. There are still some issues with it, especially with the small amount of female characters and some unneeded romance undertones, but overall those criticisms do stay as “undertones” and probably weren’t done intentionally. A lot of the potential “fanservice scenes” are usually subverted in a hilarious way

Gakuen Babysitters (eng: School Babysitters): OOH BOY. This one’s a story about a high school with a daycare attached to it (mainly for the teachers’ kids). The main character is a high school student with a toddler-age younger brother, they’re new to this school and have to meet all the other kids… who are fucking adorable. All the toddlers at the daycare are really fleshed out, they all have set personalities and aren’t unrealistically angelic and some are bratty and most are CUTE AF, and they all have their moments to shine. Sometimes the characters border on caricatures or one-note jokes, but it works well for comedy and is generally kept fresh. There’re also some typical romance-y things but they’re totally glazed over in favor of the toddler-plots and YES A STORY WHERE KIDS AREN’T USED AS A PLOT DEVICE TO MAKE SOMEONE MORE ROMANTICALLY APPEALING AND seriously this series is SO CUTE you all should read it.

Bokura no Hentai (eng: Our Transformations): the “hentai” here is “transformations” not porn lmao. Anyway this series is about three kids who meet through an online “cross-dressing” community. The main character is actually a trans girl!! The other two mains are both cis, one gay one straight. The straight boy does say homo/transphobic things at the beginning but properly apologizes for his actions later. The series also deals with death in the family, mental illness and recovery, gender (obviously) as well as gender expectations and even addresses hypersexuality as a result of trauma. That being said, there is a heavy warning on this series for noncon situations and molestation. However it’s thankfully not treated in a romantic or rose-tinted way in the least. Some of the character growth is a little sudden (esp straight cis boy, I felt his turnaround was too fast and drastic) and some of the endgame couples (or implied couples) have some meh undertones, but overall a good story.The series is finished now and ended on a pretty good note, but the epilogue is incredibly sad. I suggest maybe not reading the very last chapter if you’re in a bad place mentally right now.

Kase-san: If you’re looking for feel-good wlw media, Kase-san is the shit. It’s sooo sugary and sweet, but still has good character growth and story development. It generally deals with real-world teenager stuff, but the couple is very healthy and progresses at a realistic but still romantic pace. Warnings for intense butterflies lmao this series is seriously so gentle and high-school romance-y in the best way. The biggest surprise is how the main girl grew on me so much? Like I have a huge pet peeve for cookie-cutter protagonists, but Yamada has so much personality and strengths! Even though the story is told from her perspective and generally follows her pining after the titular love interest, Kase, there are enough glimpses into Kase’s personality and motivations too (which helps to balance things out), and just Yamada herself is very vibrant and sweet! This series puts me in such a good mood

Tamen Di Gushi (eng: Their Story): Another good wlw series! I know this series is already pretty popular on Tumblr, but if anyone was still on the fence about it, I really think you should give it a shot. The romance is sweet and adorable but what really gets me is the HUMOR. The gags in this series are fucking out of this world, I can’t explain it well but the timing, expressions, and circumstances are SO FUNNY and the artist pulls it off so well!! I always look forward to the updates just because they’re so funny

Anime:

Idolm@ster: ugh don’t even talk to me about this one it’s a total guilty pleasure but all the characters and even the sides are GREAT (I love the faceless president lmao). It’s a story about a start-up idol agency, and how all the adults are working to help each of the girls become famous. It was originally a video game (with some questionable content) but the anime is REALLY GOOD and very endearing and each of the girls has a moment to shine and grow. The songs are cute and the dances and performances are so rewarding to see esp after all the characters go through, and UGH It’s all so adorable, esp 2nd season. I love this show.[A NOTE: don’t watch the movie. Just don’t. It’s awful. Bad production value, unnecessary drama, A USELESS SIDEPLOT ABOUT A GIRL LOSING WEIGHT it’s awful don’t do it.]

Idolm@ster: Cinderella Girls: New cast of idols, new agency, very different pacing. The beginning 7 episodes are a little hard to get through, but after that first trudge, the quality skyrockets. I actually think there were some things I enjoyed more about CG than the original im@s– there’s a bigger focus on the actual work they do (like their idol theming), company politics, and a MUCH BETTER VILLAIN introduced in the second season. This series doesn’t focus as much on each individual character, but the ones that do get development really hit home strong.

Escaflowne: one of the first animes I ever watched when they were dubbing it in fox kids. I rewatched the subbed anime when I got older and I gotta say it’s really lasts the test of time. Aside from the geek factors (high fantasy!! tarot cards!! dragons! MAGIC MECHS!!) the story and characters are really great. The main character, Hitomi, is just such a strong baby who’s never outshined by the other characters. She goes through a lot and still is allowed to feel vulnerability, it never quite feels like she has to “prove” herself worthy of being a hero just “because she’s a girl” etc, she’s allowed to be strong and courageous while also weak and in need of help, very multi-layered! And that’s only the main girl HAHA don’t even get me started on the other characters.Some of the later story can be a little weird? There’s some weird real-world references and one of the characters has an interesting(?) gender issue. I don’t personally know how I feel about it but it’s worth having a mild precaution to anyone thinking of going into this series.

#Anonymous #recs #long post ///

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bronanlynch · 3 years

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recent media consumption summary time

could’ve sworn the last one was only two weeks ago but apparently it was three. sorry for becoming unmoored from the passage of linear time

listening: you know when you use a song lyric as a fic title and then you get that song stuck in your head for the next week? anyway Whirlpool by Sea Wolf sure is a song that I enjoy and also have had stuck in my head for a week. I feel like I should have smarted musical things to say here but I like Sea Wolf, they’re nice to listen to, they’re sad man with guitar music without being identical to every other sad man with guitar band

reading: finished my reread of Crooked Kingdom by Leigh Bardugo, and my main thought this time around is that I love Kaz with my whole entire heart. also love a good multi-layered heist scheme. also also Wylan/Jesper is cute but I do think they don’t get nearly as much relationship development as the two m/f couples and like, I really like these books but that is very much a trend especially in sff YA these days

also finished Lord Seventh (Qi Ye) by Priest and. god I love the characters so much. a friend group can just be a bunch of horrible gay people pining for each other and betraying each other in order to save each other’s lives. extremely tasty. also,

(I would say that missed opportunity is my one complaint but like. my actual main complaint is that as much as I love the characters, I think that if the racism in your text is blatant enough that I, a white american with very little knowledge of the specific racial coding happening can pick up on it, then it’s uh. probably pretty blatant and that’s Not Great)

also did some pride month impulse purchases at my local indie bookstore, including Molly Knox Ostertag’s The Girl from the Sea, a lesbian selkie graphic novel, which did so many things to my heart. first of all the art is so pretty

second of all, I too have been lonely and starting to realize that I’m gay while living in a beach town with a summer tourism economy, drifting apart from a friend group that I didn’t feel like I was part of and wishing I was literally anywhere else even though I loved the ocean. third of all, gay selkies

also read The Witch King by H.E. Edgmon which I enjoyed even though I am definitely not the target audience for first person present tense novels, even if those novels are portal fantasies about fae power struggles and arranged marriages. I really enjoyed the three main characters and their relationships, and the worldbuilding was fun, though the twist at the end (and lots of parts of the ending tbh) felt a little bit abrupt to me. also, and this is a personal thing, but someday I would love to read a fantasy novel with a transmasc character that actually feels like it reflects my experiences. I guess that’s part of the problem with looking for this in YA, but that’s where I tend to see transmasc protagonists so here I am. anyway, valid for anyone but especially trans teens to want to read a narrative about someone being loud and open about their identity but that’s not my experience. which I think is why I tend to construct my own trans narratives around characters who like, aren’t canonically trans but have themes about lying and hiding and being defensive about their image because *that’s* a trans experience I actually relate to.

I’ve started In Deeper Waters by F.T. Lukens, which is not a book I intended to buy but 1) look at the cover

2) I am weak for gay people on the sea. it’s fun so far, I’m not expecting any sort of in-depth anything about royal power but it’s cute and light and I’m having a good time. my main complaint is again a personal thing, which is not actually a complaint about the book itself and more about twitter discourse about how there should never be homophobia in sff that takes place in different worlds and how we’ve had enough of that so everything should take place in a world where it’s fine and normal to be queer. and again, that’s fine! I do enjoy books like that! I am currently enjoying a book like that! but again, I have a harder time relating to characters whose queerness isn’t mediated by fear the way mine is (this book sidesteps that by making the main character a very anxious person, which helps increase the relatability, but also. there’s this whole thing about how people distrust him and there are rumors about his ~perversion and yeah it’s about his secret hidden magic but. felt very weird to have that set-up and then not have homophobia play any part in the way other people talk about him, y’know? like please, stigmatized magic as a parallel for stigmatized sexuality is Right There)

watching: finished Nirvana in Fire and am having lots of normal and moderate emotions about it. belongs in my mental categories of “media I want to consume over and over again and take it apart and figure out how to write like that” and also “things I want to rewatch when I have enough energy to appreciate it” because I do think if I weren’t so tired these days I could’ve tried to have predictions instead of waiting for the characters to explain their plans to me, as much as I do love it when attractive people smirk at the screen and monologue about their schemes

also watched most of Castlevania season 4 (I have 3 episodes left) and it’s. well. it’s not Good but it’s a lot better than season 3. however, I only care about a few of the plotlines and everything else is kinda boring. I like Alucard’s plotline and I like Greta and I liked the two scenes where Hector and Isaac interacted and I liked the vampire lesbians deciding that being gay was more important to them than doing war crimes. cannot be bothered to care about anything else though, especially St. Germain. more importantly, Alucard’s new look fucks. love the whole cape + tits out thing.

finally got around to watching the end of the first season of Elementary and once again, I enjoy it when people explain complicated plans to me. love a good mystery. also, predictably, I’m in love with Moriarty. her first two dates with Sherlock are about art forgery and Roman artifacts in the London sewers, how was I supposed to *not* fall in love with her. also every time she interacts with Joan after the reveal has extremely homoerotic energy. ladies is it gay to become psychosexually obsessed with a woman who outplotted you

also, very importantly, my roommate realized I’d never seen Tsubasa OVAs, and they sure are an experience. I read the entire manga in like two days in a fugue state last winter and remember very little of the plot of the second half of the story, so the second OVA which is like. a random section of the late plot was kind of a lot to try to process at once, though I do appreciate one of the main ships doing a Gift of the Magi thing except instead of selling treasured possessions to get each other gifts they’re sacrificing parts of themselves. however the first one is my favorite arc, because it should not surprise anyone that the post-apocalyptic vampire arc is my favorite. also, I don’t need to remember the actual plot to remember and appreciate how much of an Eliot-core character Fai is. look at him. prettyboy ice wizard pretending to be flirty and performatively useless to hide his trauma. also he’s a vampire. he sets off the cosplay and gender envy parts of my brain so much

playing: nothing new since last time, just more Tidepools and Beam Saber. maybe someday I will play a video game again

making: got to cook for just the two of us last week instead of having to find something that everyone would eat, so Zan and I finally got to make chicken marsala from this recipe and it was extremely good. next time we’re gonna double the mushrooms though I think, the recipe didn’t make quite enough compared to the amount of chicken

someday I will make non-food things again but unfortunately, when most of your energy has to go to either cooking and cleaning for other people or trying to get other people to cook and clean,

writing: posted three new fics: the Persona selkie AU, the Nirvana in Fire miserable sapphic makeout fic, and a slice-of-life Persona fic for an exchange, and worked on a couple of other things that are still secret for zine reasons

#dreaming.txt #tuesday no problem extended universe #long post /

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jess-oh · 7 years

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Reflection

I don’t really know how I’m feeling. I think I’m just trying to drown something out but I’m left feeling thoroughly unsatisfied by everything. I keep rewatching old clips from shows that I finished watching, hoping that it will do the trick when in reality, I’m just hellishly bored! And it’s because I’m not being productive. I know I’m a day late with my reflection. I got home around 3:40am(?) last night and I knew that I could totally just stay awake and write my reflection real quick. There wasn’t even much to talk about. But I chose not to. I chose to just do it tomorrow morning. And then I woke up several times but chose to stay in bed until I literally could not handle sleeping any longer. Yes, I’ve been sleeping so much but I actually hate it. I want to be doing something with my life. I did start doing calligraphy but I could be doing so much more. I could be rereading old books or reading books that I bought but never bothered to reading the first place. I could have written those letters to P. Billy and P. Daisy and Andrew and David and everyone in between for their birthdays and farewells. But I didn’t. Instead, I wasted my life away. And granted, yes, I did do some things today. I actually talked to financial aid and though I didn’t leave with all the necessary information, I did get most of it. But I know that I could’ve been a lot more thorough with my research. But I just wanted to get it done and over with so that I could get back to my entertainment and saying, “sayonara” to my life. I have one more Tuesday left. Maybe I should go snowboarding with Andrew. Just to have something to do. Or maybe I’ll just pack all day but c’mon, it won’t take that long. I could easily finish everything on Monday and just do the last finishing touches Tuesday night or Monday morning. I don’t need that long. I know what I need to pack and what I want to order. And yes, I did my QT last night early and maybe I was just in a weird mood because it was the first day of my period but the reflection is usually the easy part and I couldn’t even do that. What if I didn’t do my QT early and we still stayed out that late? Then I would’ve missed two things. I want to be busy. I want to be productive. I need to be. I can’t live with myself when I’m just wasting my life away. And I don’t know if that’s a good or bad thing. It’s because of my parents though, I know that. They’re always on my ass, telling me to stop watching videos and to be productive and do something. And I do love to serve and be productive but sometimes I want to rest and I feel like I can’t when I’m living with them. But I don’t think that’s necessarily bad. Because I don’t want to just be a sloth and not get a 4.0 every semester and raise my 3.9 up, up, up. And I kind of want to confide in my friends and let them know that I’m so stressed out all the time because of my parents. But at the same time, I don’t. Because I don’t think it’s a bad thing and I don’t want them to just immediately side with me. I want them to be honest.

I think I’ve gotten a lot more blunt since I’ve been home and I’m hoping that that’s a good thing. And maybe I’ll make enemies as a result. I will probably make enemies as a result because not everyone wants to hear the truth. I’m your friend and I’m not just here to comfort you. I’m here to tell you what I’m really feeling and my objective perspective. And you can leave now if that’s what you want to hear.

I’ve tried saying something to P. Billy and P. Daisy since retreat but when the moment comes, I always shy away. I was going to talk to them in person on day 2 for lunch. But I didn’t find them. I was going to talk to them after the service later that night. But they were leaving almost immediately after but I had the chance. P. Billy was right there and I didn’t take it. I could’ve looked harder for P. Billy and P. Daisy during lunch but I just gave up and prayed instead. I saw them both on Sunday and didn’t say anything. I could’ve made more of an effort to go to church last Sunday but I didn’t because I was afraid of feeling like an outsider again and not having the guts to tell them. I’ve had every single day as an opportunity to even Facebook message them so I haven’t. I don’t want to write a letter because there’s too much to say bc I’m honestly afraid there won’t be enough. I’m writing a letter because I don’t have the guts to say it in person. Because as much as I appreciate their bluntness, I know who I am and how I am and how much some of my habits annoy them and it just makes me feel like they’re just going to judge me if I’m honest. But the bottom line is that they really have changed my life in more ways than one and I was always excited to come back, just to hear their sermons. I don’t fit in at Sa-Rang. And I don’t know that I ever truly did. But they were always worth it. The service was always worth it. Because it was a time where I could really intimately come before God and it was okay. And that’s something that I am constantly longing for while in Chicago.

I wanted to talk to Jeanne about this but I was doing some thinking in the shower and she hasn’t responded yet. I’m going to help plan the lock-in and it looks like I don’t actually have a whole lot to do. I’m not tasked with doing the theme or organizing teams or anything like that. That seems to already be figured out. I’m just gonna be assigned to a certain job when we meet tomorrow and go from there. I’m just afraid that I’ll fall nicely into the shoes of serving and leading and the transition in becoming an “official leader” will come naturally and I’m not sure that’s what I want bc of how busy my schedule will be next year. That’s a huge time commitment that I don’t know if I’m ready to sign up for. But I imagined P. Josh asking if that’s what God wants for me and I replied that I had prayed about it and knew that I wanted to really invest into people this year but not necessarily as a leader. And I have a feeling that P. Josh knows and sees my heart to serve and wants to me to be a leader and I just don’t know if I’m spiritually ready for that. I’m definitely not ready to go back out onto the mission field again and spend every moment caring for someone else. And don’t get me wrong, it’s great out there. It really is. Guatemala changed my life. Always and forever. I was so happy. And I don’t think I’m in that state of mind anymore where I just care so much for other people that I don’t even have time to think about myself. For so long I spent my life helping others as a way to avoid facing my own problems. But it’s time that I do face my own issues head on and make active efforts toward fixing them.

I am afraid. Because my relationship with God has been rocky lately. And I really want to go back to Chicago bc during my time here, I’ve fallen victim to a lot more gossip just based off the people that I hang around. And I don’t want to put anyone down anymore. It sucked when I dealt with it in high school and no one deserves to feel so hated for something that they can’t control. My life has become a cycle of wanting so badly to go back to Chicago and wanting so badly to go back to OC. And it might be time to settle and choose where I would rather be. Instead of just trying to get away from my problems and suffering all the time. I need to fix this. And I know that this is so much easier said than done and I don’t really feel this as a resolve yet but this is something that I actually really want to do.

And finally, onto yesterday. I... spent it pretty similarly to how I wasted it today. I woke up several times but refused to get out of my bed, even when the cleaning people came. I kept coming up with excuses to just be lazy in my mind instead of just doing it. Oh yeah, I actually got out of bed at 7am this morning and had every opportunity to actually follow through and do the damn dishes but I didn’t. Thinking that I’ll just do it later instead of just freaking doing it. But towards the end of the day, Andrew said that he would be going over to David’s to help him with his music and invited me to join. And I am really happy that the three of us got to spend time together again. Just the three of us. It was nice. And I was happy to help David with his music. Whether it was by being blunt or helping design or help figure out photoshop or titling the songs... it was nice. And I’m happy that I got to spend that time with them. It was actually pretty encouraging whenever David complimented my bluntness bc I do think it’s something I’m a bit insecure about. Ironically. I just wish I had been more upfront about where we should eat. I am happy that we ended up going to Mae’s Cafe and dining together and getting to spend more time together but there was the chance that we wouldn’t have and didn’t say anything against it. I just want another long car ride with them. A night out. Where we just talk about anything and everything as the road takes us wherever. And yes, it was awkward before. But I trusted them. And it was free. But idk, maybe it’s because we’re actually doing things now and this break is a lot shorter than summer but... I miss that. But y’know, I’m probably making it better than it seemed in my head. None of us ever just vented or broke down crying. Well, some of us vented. But it was never this, wild and emotional ride. It was just us driving mindlessly for hours. I miss that. But our dynamics are changing. I asked Andrew if he thought we would still be friends after college and he said he was afraid I was thinking of dropping him when I asked that which I really wasn’t! And I didn’t tell him this but he was very much occupied with Emily when they first got together and we rarely talked and it wasn’t weird. It just kind of happened. But I felt like I had lost a friend. And I am happy that we were able to reconnect and honestly, some of my dislike toward her is probably a result of that but I am afraid that if he starts dating someone again, we’ll just drift. And it’ll suck but it’ll happen. And he really has made my life so much better by being there for me time after time after time. And I don’t want to lose him but I also know that life has a course and you can’t keep friends forever. And it doesn’t feel like this is going to last. Jude was my absolute best friend in high school that I could literally talk to about anything—religion, God, school, family, anything. She was always there for me and she got it. But she has low self esteem and I just want the best for her and I don’t want to burden her. I truly wish for her happiness and nothing but. And I don’t want to ruin that or take that away from her. She was the single most important person in my life and still is. And I will never stop loving her. But things have changed and she got busier and we started leading different lives and that’s that. It happens.

Finally, Grace. My dear friend Grace An. I am so glad that we are finally getting the opportunity to meet up on Friday and I’m really hoping she doesn’t back out of it because I’m really worried about her. I just have this gut feeling that she’s not okay and she’s depressed because of everything and trying so hard to do it on her own. But I am here for her and I really hope she knows that. I was so selfish when we last spoke but I want to be here for her 100% now. Really. I’m really worried about her. And she actually cares about me. She does. She gives a shit. I was so afraid that she was only reaching out to me because she pitied me but she didn’t. She actually went out of her way to compile those letters for me before I left. We spent a whole day at the Irvine Spectrum together and it was great. She is an incredibly kind person that really cares for others and wants the best for them and has an undeniably strong faith for the Lord. And yes, admittedly, I have felt some competition with her because I wanted to be better and really, be the best. But she is so genuine. And I just hope and pray that she is okay. And even if she’s not, that she knows that she has people that really love and support her. And will continue to do so, all the way through. I know she’s going through a hard time and I know that it can’t be easy. But she’s not alone. And I hope she knows that.

#reflection #frustrated

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