#justin min character fanfic

[ded-and-gonne]

Photo by @firstpersonnarrator, nyc ues

[centrumlumina]

After a year away, I can now present the 2019 AO3 Ship Stats Top 100!

This list shows the 100 pairing tags with the most fanfics posted on Archive Of Our Own as of July 24 2019. There are 69 M/M pairings, 19 F/M, 3 F/F, 5 Gen and 4 Other. (Please note that on AO3, ‘Name & Name’ indicates platonic or familial ‘Gen’ relationships, while ‘Name/Name’ is used for romantic and sexual pairings.)

Of the 200 names on the list, 25 belong to women and 4 to characters of indeterminate gender, compared to 28 and 3 respectively in the 2017 list. There are 46 POC and 8 racially ambiguous characters, compared with 41 and 10 last year.

For more information on this project, please see the FAQ post. You might also want to check out the Top 100 pairings of 2017-2019 or the Top 100 Femslash Pairings. This stats series is also available on AO3.

A text-only version of the list is given below the cut.

Rank Change Pairing Fandom Works Type Race 1 0 Castiel/Dean Winchester Supernatural 79650 M/M White 2 0 Sherlock Holmes/John Watson Sherlock (TV) 59436 M/M White 3 0 Derek Hale/Stiles Stilinski Teen Wolf (TV) 56021 M/M White 4 1 James "Bucky" Barnes/Steve Rogers Captain America (Movies) 43515 M/M White 5 2 Draco Malfoy/Harry Potter Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling 33110 M/M White 6 -2 Harry Styles/Louis Tomlinson One Direction (Band) 32449 M/M White 7 1 Steve Rogers/Tony Stark The Avengers (Marvel Movies) 30700 M/M White 8 9 Keith/Lance (Voltron) Voltron: Legendary Defender 27848 M/M Amb/POC 9 -3 Dean Winchester/Sam Winchester Supernatural 26287 M/M White 10 2 Katsuki Yuuri/Victor Nikiforov Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime) 22515 M/M Whi/POC 11 11 Magnus Bane/Alec Lightwood Shadowhunters (TV) 21224 M/M Whi/POC 12 -3 Merlin/Arthur Pendragon Merlin (TV) 21068 M/M White 13 33 Jeon Jungkook/Kim Taehyung | V Bangtan Boys | BTS 18118 M/M POC 14 27 Min Yoongi | Suga/Park Jimin Bangtan Boys | BTS 16849 M/M POC 15 -5 Sherlock Holmes & John Watson Sherlock (TV) 16630 Gen White 16 5 Dan Howell/Phil Lester Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF) 15554 M/M White 17 -6 Blaine Anderson/Kurt Hummel Glee 15245 M/M Whi/POC 18 -3 Will Graham/Hannibal Lecter Hannibal (TV) 15214 M/M White 19 0 Sirius Black/Remus Lupin Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling 14755 M/M White 20 35 Adrien Agreste | Chat Noir/Marinette Dupain-Cheng | Ladybug Miraculous Ladybug 14477 F/M Whi/POC 21 18 Pepper Potts/Tony Stark The Avengers (Marvel Movies) 13847 F/M White 22 -9 Levi/Eren Yeager Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan 13567 M/M White 23 41 Kim Namjoon | RM/Kim Seokjin | Jin Bangtan Boys | BTS 13558 M/M POC 24 -10 Erik Lehnsherr/Charles Xavier X-Men (Alternate Timeline Movies) 13418 M/M White 25 40 Jeon Jungkook/Park Jimin Bangtan Boys | BTS 13306 M/M POC 26 -6 Gabriel/Sam Winchester Supernatural 12661 M/M White 27 -11 Jensen Ackles/Jared Padalecki Supernatural RPF 12647 M/M White 28 9 Armitage Hux/Ben Solo | Kylo Ren Star Wars Sequel Trilogy 12275 M/M White 29 N Rey/Ben Solo | Kylo Ren Star Wars Sequel Trilogy 12260 F/M White 30 N Keith/Shiro (Voltron) Voltron: Legendary Defender 12182 M/M Amb/POC 31 16 Loki/Thor Thor (Movies) 11533 M/M White 32 -7 Oliver Queen/Felicity Smoak Arrow (TV 2012) 11497 F/M White 33 0 Bellamy Blake/Clarke Griffin The 100 (TV) 11448 F/M Whi/POC 34 -16 Rodney McKay/John Sheppard Stargate Atlantis 11406 M/M White 35 -8 Evil Queen | Regina Mills/Emma Swan Once Upon a Time (TV) 11388 F/F Whi/POC 36 -5 Steve McGarrett/Danny "Danno" Williams Hawaii Five-0 (2010) 10901 M/M White 37 -11 James T. Kirk/Spock Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies) 10895 M/M White 38 -6 Clarke Griffin/Lexa The 100 (TV) 10839 F/F White 39 -15 Clint Barton/Natasha Romanov The Avengers (Marvel Movies) 10810 F/M White 40 N Peter Parker & Tony Stark Marvel Cinematic Universe 10639 Gen White 41 -13 Harry Potter/Severus Snape Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling 10513 M/M White 42 53 Jung Hoseok | J-Hope/Min Yoongi | Suga Bangtan Boys | BTS 10433 M/M POC 43 -20 Clint Barton/Phil Coulson The Avengers (Marvel Movies) 10413 M/M White 44 -15 Ian Gallagher/Mickey Milkovich Shameless (US) 10131 M/M White 45 -15 Enjolras/Grantaire (Les Misérables) Les Misérables - All Media Types 9960 M/M White 46 N Bakugou Katsuki/Midoriya Izuku Boku no Hero Academia | My Hero Academia 9855 M/M POC 47 -11 Captain Hook | Killian Jones/Emma Swan Once Upon a Time (TV) 9763 F/M White 48 2 Hermione Granger/Ron Weasley Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling 9574 F/M Whi/Amb 49 -7 Mycroft Holmes/Lestrade Sherlock (TV) 9561 M/M White 50 48 Kara Danvers/Lena Luthor Supergirl (TV 2015) 9458 F/F White 51 -16 Bilbo Baggins/Thorin Oakenshield The Hobbit - All Media Types 9374 M/M White 52 N Bakugou Katsuki/Kirishima Eijirou Boku no Hero Academia | My Hero Academia 9309 M/M POC 53 N Midoriya Izuku/Todoroki Shouto Boku no Hero Academia | My Hero Academia 9116 M/M POC 54 7 Tenth Doctor/Rose Tyler Doctor Who (2005) 9081 F/M White 55 -17 Frank Iero/Gerard Way My Chemical Romance 9000 M/M White 56 -22 Zayn Malik/Liam Payne One Direction (Band) 8906 M/M Whi/POC 57 -13 Iwaizumi Hajime/Oikawa Tooru Haikyuu!! 8902 M/M POC 58 -18 Jack Harkness/Ianto Jones Torchwood 8779 M/M White 59 N Aziraphale/Crowley (Good Omens) Good Omens - Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett 8737 M/M White 60 -3 Loki/Tony Stark The Avengers (Marvel Movies) 8520 M/M White 61 -9 Castiel & Dean Winchester Supernatural 8339 Gen White 62 -13 Sherlock Holmes/Molly Hooper Sherlock (TV) 8301 F/M White 63 -20 Belle/Rumplestiltskin | Mr. Gold Once Upon a Time (TV) 8280 F/M White 64 2 James "Bucky" Barnes & Steve Rogers Captain America (Movies) 8088 Gen White 65 5 James Potter/Lily Evans Potter Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling 8029 F/M White 66 -12 Hinata Shouyou/Kageyama Tobio Haikyuu!! 7891 M/M POC 67 -14 Inquisitor/Cullen Rutherford Dragon Age: Inquisition 7694 Other Whi/Amb 68 17 Fox Mulder/Dana Scully The X-Files 7604 F/M White 69 4 Hermione Granger/Draco Malfoy Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling 7596 F/M Whi/Amb 70 18 Dean Winchester/You Supernatural 7457 Other Whi/Amb 71 N Jeon Jungkook/Min Yoongi | Suga Bangtan Boys | BTS 7452 M/M POC 72 -5 Harry Potter/Ginny Weasley Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling 7441 F/M White 73 N Kim Taehyung | V/Park Jimin Bangtan Boys | BTS 7401 M/M POC 74 -29 Allison Argent/Scott McCall Teen Wolf (TV) 7393 F/M Whi/POC 75 -27 James T. Kirk/Leonard "Bones" McCoy Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies) 7334 M/M White 76 -13 Dean Winchester & Sam Winchester Supernatural 7305 Gen White 77 -26 Jim Ellison/Blair Sandburg The Sentinel (TV) 7152 M/M White 78 -20 Josh Dun/Tyler Joseph Twenty One Pilots 7085 M/M Whi/POC 79 -23 Arthur/Eames (Inception) Inception (2010) 7002 M/M White 80 16 Otabek Altin/Yuri Plisetsky Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime) 6351 M/M Whi/POC 81 -19 James Bond/Q James Bond (Craig movies) 6307 M/M White 82 -13 Leo Fitz/Jemma Simmons Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (TV) 6234 F/M White 83 N James "Bucky" Barnes/Reader Marvel Cinematic Universe 6201 Other Whi/Amb 84 16 Peter Parker/Wade Wilson Spider-Man - All Media Types 6170 M/M White 85 7 Peter Hale/Stiles Stilinski Teen Wolf (TV) 6110 M/M White 86 4 Uchiha Sasuke/Uzumaki Naruto Naruto 6104 M/M POC 87 -28 Marco Bott/Jean Kirstein Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan 6024 M/M White 88 -28 Clark Kent/Lex Luthor Smallville 6015 M/M White 89 N James "Bucky" Barnes/Tony Stark Marvel Cinematic Universe 5947 M/M White 90 -12 Alexander Hamilton/John Laurens Hamilton – Miranda 5889 M/M POC 91 N Jesse McCree/Hanzo Shimada Overwatch (Video Game) 5831 M/M Whi/POC 92 -20 Patrick Stump/Pete Wentz Fall Out Boy 5750 M/M Whi/POC 93 N Jon Snow/Sansa Stark Game of Thrones (TV) 5736 F/M White 94 N Brian Kinney/Justin Taylor (Queer as Folk) Queer as Folk (US) 5638 M/M White 95 N Kim Taehyung | V/Min Yoongi | Suga Bangtan Boys | BTS 5546 M/M POC 96 N Aaron Dingle/Robert Sugden Emmerdale 5471 M/M White 97 -29 Mary Morstan/John Watson Sherlock (TV) 5470 F/M White 98 -5 Poe Dameron/Finn Star Wars Sequel Trilogy 5436 M/M POC 99 -22 Inquisitor/Solas (Dragon Age) Dragon Age: Inquisition 5428 Other Whi/Amb 100 -13 America/England (Hetalia) Hetalia: Axis Powers 5301 M/M White

[thatgirlonstage]

Podcast Challenge 7/9/18

Bolded means I listened to an episode today. Strikethrough means I’m all caught up and waiting for the next episode, or the podcast is complete!

The Adventure Zone | Alice Isn’t Dead | The Bright Sessions | Bubble | Can I Pet Your Dog? | Conversations with People Who Hate Me | Critical Role | Ear Hustle | The Flop House | It Makes a Sound | The McElroy Brothers Will Be in Trolls 2 | My Brother, My Brother, and Me | My Dad Wrote a P*rno | The Orbiting Human Circus of the Air | Sawbones | Shmanners | The Thrilling Adventure Hour | Welcome to Night Vale | Within the Wires | Wonderful!

Podcast: The Adventure Zone

Episode: Amnesty - Episode 15

Time: 1hr 6 min, 110% of goal

Commentary:

I’M SO FUCKING READY FOR BEACON FUCKING UP DUCK’S LIFE I’VE BEEN WAITING FOR SOMETHING LIKE THIS

Podcast: The Flop House

Episode: #54 - Gamer

Time: 53 min, 88% of goal

Commentary:

So... Ready Player One with Gerard Butler?

Podcast: It Makes a Sound

Episode: S1E5: Press Play

Time: 22 min, 37% of goal

Commentary:

That episode dragged on WAY too long. We knew she wasn’t going to be able to play the tape for God’s sake, the buildup just got annoying eventually

Episode: S1E6: For Whom the Bell Trolls

Time: 29 min, 48% of goal

Commentary:

I feel bad for Rod lmao, he’s just trying to do his job and take care of some old senile lady

Episode: S1E7: An Automatic Spark

Time: 29 min, 48% of goal

Commentary:

I’m slightly concerned about Tricia Elwood’s parenting that she lets Cody hang out with these people and thinks that Deirdre is like. A reliable adult who can be responsible for looking after her child.

Also, okay, so Deirdre DID record the tape. Which I had assumed was the case. But were we actually supposed to know that? Because when the podcast first started she made it sound like it didn’t belong to her.

Episode: S1E8: The Clubhouse

Time: 30 min, 50% of goal

Commentary:

Was... was it the 8th grade graduation, or a birthday party?

Okay, the Ophelia madness parallels to the mother’s dementia become a little heavy handed

Episode: S1E9: rememberwimfaros

Time: 33 min, 55% of goal

Commentary: 

The cop’s voice is the evil lady from Alice Isn’t Dead so THAT was a visceral reaction of “oh my god bad news bad news”. Like I think she’s really just doing her job and she seems like she’s supposed to be a decent person in this show but that is... not the reaction I have to her voice

Passingly interesting story - I’m really not a fan of any of the characters though. In fact I actively dislike most of them when they’re not singing, lol. I’ll probably stick around for season 2 to see where it goes, though

Podcast: My Brother, My Brother, and Me

Episode: 171: The Sweetin Furnace

Time: 46 min, 77% of goal

Commentary:

And I and all of my Belgian friends crack up because America is adorable in its panic over the government shutdown

What is it about Justin that can make sentences like “What are babies’ vulnerabilities?” so fucking hilarious?

Episode: 172: Juggalo Church Camp

Time: 51 min, 85% of goal

Commentary:

I can’t sleep and it’s 3:30AM and this episode is calling me out over it

Podcast: My Dad Wrote a P*rno

Episode: Footnotes: Belinda’s CV

Time: 17 min, 28% of goal

Commentary:

Does Rocky know what typhoid means you can’t type the word typhoid that many times without finding out what it is I’m so distressed why did Belinda work for a company named after a deadly disease

Episode: S3E7 - ‘The Chocolate Fountain’

Time: 41 min, 68% of goal

Commentary:

I really really don’t know how I feel about the fact that we’re in Belgium now. Also, why are we in Belgium now???

Episode: Footnotes: Aphrodisiacs

Time: 15 min, 25% of goal

Commentary:

Does this have something to do with why we all crave chocolate on our periods???

Episode: S3E8 - ‘A F*cking Good Time’

Time: 36 min, 60% of goal

Commentary:

Is it just me or are these books somehow getting progressively more and more disjointed. How did we get here, why did we get here, who is Alfonse and what is happening, has Belinda taken birth control lately

Episode: Footnotes: Sex Parties

Time: 17 min, 28% of goal

Commentary:

This woman just walked straight out of a smutty fanfic, to an unbelievable degree. I... didn’t realize there were legit non-scammy things like this in real life, really

Episode: S3E9 - ‘Yorkshire’

Time: 37 min, 62% of goal

Commentary:

Alice was just coming to pieces this entire episode

The briefcase is the real protagonist of Belinda Blinked

Podcast: The Thrilling Adventure Hour

Episode: #101: Beyond Belief, “Forged in Flame”

Time: 20 min, 33% of goal

Commentary:

I can’t believe WTNV stole its Satan puppy plot from Frank and Sadie’s mistaken assumption in this episode

Episode: #102: Behind the scenes of TAH

Time: 1hr 18 min, 130% of goal

Commentary:

HA! Vindication! Colonel Tick-Tock really is getting gayer every episode, it’s not just me.

Podcast: Welcome to Night Vale

Episode: 17 - Valentine

Time: 25 min, 42% of goal

Commentary:

The first time I listened to this podcast we had the phone call episode and then I saw the next episode was called Valentine and I nearly had a gay heart attack. Should’ve known it wouldn’t be nearly that straightforward (of course it would be straightforward, lmao)

See my full review of the episode here!

Episode: 18 – The Traveler

Time: 25 min, 42% of goal

Commentary:

I’m not going to lie, I have absolutely no memory of this episode whatsoever

See my full review of the episode here!

Total Listening: 11hr 10 min, 1117% of goal

[ded-and-gonne]

WIP Wednesday or Thursday

WIP Wednesday: Devil’s Night (Part 6)

Starring Klaus Hargreeves & Evil Ben

And here you thought the Devil’s Night story was over, by virtue of that two-paragraph ending that conveniently saved Evil Ben, who then saved Klaus. Oh hells no, it isn’t that simple. They still have a dead puritan in their garden who expects Klaus & Ben to go find him a key. A key made by the ancient King Solomon. Also, a quick reminder that we’re dealing with a narrator who thinks they’re smarter than they actually are. Without further ado, here’s a snippet from the opening scene of Devil’s Night Chapter 6.

————/😵‍💫/————

“A book?!” Evil Ben rages with lots of anger. “A book? A book. A fucking book? It’s a fucking book, Klaus. [Arrrrrrgh!]” Or however you spell all the vocalizations Ben is making rn. The bookstore’s high ceilings reverberate with angst.

“A book? That’s all? That’s great!” Klaus enthuses. “Thank heavens it’s not an actual key! Keys unlock bad stuff. Books are way safer than keys.” (In what universe, Klaus? It’s known to science that books are dangerous.)

“Heavens to Betsy Benji, you had me worried there for a second.”

“Me. I had you worried,” replies Ben, dumbfounded. Which reaction increases every time Klaus blithely blorps another mouthful of clear, viscous ghost mucus into his ghost goo spittoon, so quickly forgetting why he’s blorping into his ghost goo spittoon to begin with. “Zero self awareness. None,” says Evil Ben.

Pots, kettles, hypocrisy about lacking self awareness. You should be rolling your eyes by now.

Klaus pauses to consider Ben’s expression, and foresees the thunderclap-back of rage that will inevitably be unleashed upon his own pretty head if he doesn’t amend his words. “And by you having me worried, I actually mean that ghost dick outside in the dark. Obviously.”

“Moron.” That was Ben, but you already knew that.

Klaus blorps daintily. (What? It’s possible.) “Don’t distract me, Benji, this is serious. Should we be generous of spirit and offer up the fact that this ‘key of skin and bone’ is not a key at all but just a book? It doesn’t seem like the pickled puritan buried in the garden is hip to the fact that it’s not a key, daddy-o. Nor is it skin and bone. It’s paper, and other things. 300 years waiting for a key that doesn’t exist. Boy is he gonna be disappointed.”

Ben appears to enjoy this idea. “I hope I get to see his face when he finds out. Can you make that happen?”

Klaus continues, “Or maybe he’d like us to get a copy of the key made. We can print one on demand from that guy on the corner. You know the one — the cute one. Anyway, it’s not like a book ever hurt anybody.”

“How have you managed to live this long?” Ben asks, as he enjoys his favorite pastime: belittling everyone’s intellectual capacity. “Klaus-“

Klaus cuts him off. “And anyway, Ben, my corporeal cherub and not-brother in arms. If we can get a copy, then surely anybody can get a copy. They could come here and get it. We are booksellers after all, babe. We do offer that sort of thing. Actually, that very thing. I could just sell him the one in your hand. It’s for sale right now.”

Ben pinches the bridge of his nose in forebearence. He’s still riding the elusive high of caring about somebody. “I'm a corporeal cherub? Try not trying so hard Klaus, it’s embarrassing. Just because I gave you a dictionary for our birthday doesn’t mean you should go around using it.”

“But Bennerino, I’m attempting to improve myself. I thought that was what you meant when you told me I suck and then handed me a dictionary. By the way, Bennerino, just a quick note: there are tons of official synonyms for ‘suck,’ ‘idiot,’ and ‘moron.’ You could stand a little improvement in that insult-archive you have hiding up there in that Evil little skull of yours.”

“My-“

Klaus is pointing at Ben with a finger swirling circles. “Sh! Don’t interrupt, Ben, I’m on a roll.” Klaus wishes he could use that finger to boop Ben on the nose, but they’ve been getting along so well in the aftermath of that horrible experience they just survived — the one with the possession and the rescuing. He fears that Ben’s goodwill (now that there’s confirmation that Ben’s goodwill exists) will suddenly go poof and dissipate like a ghost.

————/😵‍💫/————

Catch up: Devil’s Night Chapter 1 || Prev: Chapter 5

Or start with their origin story: Ded & Gonne Chapter 1

————/😵‍💫/————

[ded-and-gonne]

[ded-and-gonne]

<<———————————😵‍💫————————————>>

Devil’s Night

A Ded & Gonne miniseries

Written by @firstpersonnarrator | Originally begun for @sheehalloween 2022 | Devil’s Night header gif by @salvador-daley | Sheehalloween prompt by Anon: Klaus behaving badly, genfic

AN: It’s Devil’s Night and Ben has no idea what that is. Until he becomes embroiled in a plot cooked up by his not-brother, Klaus. This Devil’s Night miniseries starring Klaus Hargreeves and Evil Ben is part of the Ded & Gonne family of stories. If you’ve been reading Ded & Gonne, this chapter follows immediately after the action in Chapter 6. Don’t feel like catching up? Devil’s Night can be read as a standalone fic. All Ded & Gonne works are genfic without exception.

TWs: Creeping dread (hopefully). Flirtation between two not-brothers. Swearing. A not-so-bright, mildly omniscient narrator. Made-up words and made-up tenses.

Ded & Gonne || Devil’s Night || Start || Next

<<———————————😵‍💫————————————>>

Part 1: Afraid of the Dark

<<———————————😵‍💫————————————>>

“Benneriiiinooooo.” Calling toward the hallway, Klaus is in his room waiting impatiently for Ben to “Get the fuck over here alreadyyyy!” Klaus has been curled up on the divan, working on his costume with his tongue poking out, all afternoon.

Ben’s head peeks around the door, sees Klaus half disguised as Jesus, and decides that it will go better for him if he picks his battles. (Never tell Ben that he’s at Klaus’s beck and call. It wouldn’t go well for you. Wrong Ben.)

The current Ben — Evil Ben — makes his way in, committing his entire body to looking both sarcastic and bored.

“Save me from my costume! I hate sewing,” Klaus wails. “Maybe I could have knitted Jesus.” Klaus punishes his costume for being annoying by throwing everything angrily in the general direction of his bed. He smiles with satisfaction as the pins and needles scatter on the floor, then turns to Ben.

“Ok, so, Bennerino. It’s Devil’s Night, and it’s cold cuz you won’t let me turn the heat up. So now I’m all snuggled on the divan where you apparently have no plan to join me. Sucks, but ok. Why?”

Ben curls his lip up in disgust. “For reasons, Klaus. It’s magenta velvet. And I can tell exactly where you always sit because the velvet has your ass permanently imprinted in it.”

“My eyes are up here, mister,” Klaus winks at Ben.

“Christ, Klaus.”

“Exactly!” Klaus decides to forego all the blaspheming he could do right now. He’s saving all his blaspheming for the kids on Halloween.

“Hurry up and pop your popcorn, Ben. We will not be stopping halfway through the first story for popcorn-popping. I mean, I know you live to piss people off, but that? It’s irritating. Just thought maybe that was something you could work on. You know, for the future.” Klaus smiles as if he’s indulging a child. “You’ll get there, buddy. You’ll get there.”

Ben is too busy being both taken-aback and off-put to say nasty things while Klaus is saying supportive things. Instead, he looks like a lost little boy. “I don’t live to piss people off.”

“Yes of course you do. It’s one of my favorite things about you.”

“But that doesn’t- Isn't pissing people off a bad thing?” Ben asks, looking confused and a smidge annoyed.

“Yeah, but it looks great on you.” Klaus seems to be feeling affectionate toward Ben again, judging by the smile.

“If you ruffle my hair, I will end you,” Ben warns.

Klaus retracts his hand.

Followed by Ben rolling his eyes, dropping heavily next to Klaus with a bounce, and waiting expectantly for the tv to come back to life.

After a few moments of uncomfortable yet companionable silence, Ben senses he’s being observed. He turns to find Klaus sitting there, expectantly staring at him with a ‘mommy bought me cotton candy’ vibe. All excited and hungry. It’s a little creepy, honestly.

“Uh, Klaus?”

“Yes, Benny Bear?”

Klaus can literally see Ben biting his tongue. “Great!” Klaus praises. “Look at you! You kept yourself from threatening me! And you held back the nasty! That’s progress. You’ve come so far, Benji.”

“Stop trying to provoke me, Klaus. It’s not what I’m going for right now.”

“Ok, fine, have it your way. I’ve taken the threat level down to just defcon Medium Meanie from defcon Big.”

Klaus goes back to staring eagerly at Ben.

This is normally when Ben would just hang up on Klaus. But now they live together. Like, together on the same hallway. Not, like, together-together. There’s a wall. Right in-between them. A wall, ok? Jesus. Whatever.

“So…” Ben prompts, hoping Klaus will start at the beginning. He’s feeling lost.

“I’m waiting for you to start, silly!”

“Start what, Klaus? Start talking, I’m bored.”

“Your story. But, don’t rush it. We’ve got well over 24 hours before it’ll start to be a little sad, missing Halloween entirely because of a creativity vortex.” Not as threatening or effective as a kugelblitz, though.

“What story? Klaus, I’m going to count to five,” Ben snarls. “Trust me, you don’t want to know what comes after five.”

“Ho!” Klaus’s eyes explode out of his head metaphorically, and he frantically begins scanning his bedroom. “Wait, wait! Where’s my bingo card?”

“Your,” [long dramatic pause] “what?”

“My business card.” Good save. “You know what, Bennerino? You don’t have to go first if you’re nervous. I’ll go first.”

“What are you talking about, Klaus? You’ll go first at what?”

“It’s Devil’s Night, Benny Bunny, and I will be your very own little devil for the night. I’ll-”

“Klaus, you’re making me uncomfortable.”

“I know, I’m really good at it. So anyway, where was I? Oh, right, I’m going first.” Klaus bounds out of his seat and Ben is plunged into darkness.

“Pffft,” Ben says, scoffing at the darkness. But then he hears the door creak and the lock click into place.

It’s probably not very kind to point out right now that Ben is already scared. He wouldn’t want you to know about that. So, moving on.

“Klaus?” He gives a quick swivel in his seat, and there’s nothing to see. Quite literally. “Why do you have blackout windows, Klaus?” It is utterly dark. No difference between eyes open and eyes closed. He reaches up to touch his eyes, making sure they’re actually open.

Ben starts fidgeting. He jolts when he notices the clock ticking. Suddenly, he realizes he never bothered to notice much of anything about the room around him. No idea what the layout is, or where the furniture is. Or the piano.

It’s just, whenever Klaus is around, he tends to fill the entire room. Like some obnoxious, yet exotic, tropical bird. All rainbows, pink feathers, and glitter briefs.

Ben starts to tap his foot in time with the ticking clock. It’s a good calming technique. Become part of the music of time and see how long you can keep the beat.

Ben’s tapping foot is sort of spastic, now. He either can’t keep up with the beat, or maybe he’s jumping ahead. He can’t tell which is which. The clock is gaslighting him.

Yep, it’s crawling.

His skin is now crawling. Officially.

Outside, a cat screeches and hisses. Because of course it does. It’s Halloween. Or Devil’s Night, whatever that is.

How could he hear hissing from this bedroom? That was outside, wasn’t it? He’d swear there’s a faint scratching on wood. Through the wall, maybe. His entire being is focused in his eardrums. Trying to gauge the nearness of the cat is more difficult than it should be.

Ben doesn’t hate cats. In fact, Mean Ben is a sucker for cats. They’re aloof and condescending, and yet you still do everything you can to get them to snuggle you. A lot like Ben, the snuggling snuggler, apparently. He definitely wants his benny bear at this point.

See, the thing is, the yowling sounded kinda far away and muffled, like through a wall, a few rooms down the hall, or down the street. But the scratching? That is a lot closer, and more claws than paws. Little scratches, but Ben tries to talk himself down by reminding himself that it’s an old building. Old buildings make sounds, right?

Ben huffs and rolls his eyes, which only serves to remind him that he literally can’t see anything. Nothing. The darkness is utterly complete. No crack of light below the door. No tiny shaft from between the floorboards. Just the scratching. The scratching that has him peering every which way, but the darkness is thick as ink. Almost oily.

Just darkness. Something small, scratching. Small? The ticking. His foot tapping. His heartbeat in his ears.

There were windows, right? Yeah, sure, there have to be, Ben reassures himself. But he vaguely remembers how very many objects Klaus has strewn around the space, creating traps that could be waiting just next to his feet. Like Klaus’s old lady taste in furniture — tufted and tasseled and poofy velvet all over the place. Coffee tables with legs and corners, supporting precariously perched bongs. And bongos. And ashtrays. And scissors. Klaus has to use scissors to sew. Has to.

But there are windows in here, right? There have to have been, right? Klaus wouldn’t choose a room without windows. He thinks he knows Klaus well enough by now to predict the man’s actions and motivations.

Underneath the patchouli oil, the sharp and keen sense of smell that makes Ben win every bake-off, senses something musky. It’s kind of like something evocative of freshly turned earth. Moist, but also tinged with a rotting smell.

The rotting smell is not coming from the same direction as the scratching. Or the yowling.

Ben reaches out with all of his senses like Pogo and Luke Skywalker taught him.

Beneath all of it is something dank and vegetal. And a slight drip coming from behind him. But the hallway is the only thing behind him. Isn’t it?

The scratching has stopped. Now it’s just the ticking of the clock and the droplets of water and the scent of mold, with something sickening-sweet just below it.

His blood is rushing in his ears. And nothing, fucking nothing, matches up. It’s like one of those old, creaky wind-up toys. The jack-in-the-box, cranking, cranking. The horrible clapping monkey, clanking its cacophonous cymbals. It’s an imperfect monkey, slightly out of time with his eyes rolling and the tune and the clanking and clanking. But the ticking clock is so close to the tempo. No, wait. It’s the clock keeping time. He can’t tell which is faster, and suddenly his entire body senses space — every hair, every brain cell, it’s all so wrapped up and jumbled. Which one is out of step with the others? But they’re all out of step and he feels like his ears are stuck in one of those 3D puzzles, the optical illusions your eyes sink into, by design. Suddenly there’s an entire space hidden to the eye, just beyond the length of his arm’s reach. Is there a table in front of him? He can’t remember.

And all of this jagged clicking, and tapping, and breathing, blood rushing in his ears, heart thudding out a tell-tale beat.

Ben’s feeling a little tippy. And he’s already sitting down. He lifts his hand to his face. It feels like something tiny has landed in the space between his nose and lips. Bringing his hand instinctively to his face, he’s surprised to find pebbling droplets of perspiration.

“Fuck!” His hand jerks up and slaps his upper lip. Hard. He pulls his hand back and with it comes a formerly living creature. A small spider. Or maybe a flea? Or a gnat. It had been crawling when he smashed the fucker’s little carapace against his skin. Too tiny to tell how many legs. Wings? Antennae?

Or if it’s alone.

Immediately following that unnerving thought, all the nerve endings in his body go on high alert. The springs in his seat complain when he jolts at the sudden awareness of sensation.

He feels a tickle or a tingle in tiny pinpoints, anywhere his skin is exposed to air.

Ben is starting to squirm. All the tiny hairs on his face and neck seem to get triggered at the same time, no rhyme, no reason. He quickly raises his hands to his face to wipe away all the sweat, and oil, and hairs, and crawlies, telling it all to shut the fuck up and get off his body. Ben finds himself compulsively itching around his neckline.

Everything feels like it’s moving. Ben feels nauseous. His eyes are rolling again, with nothing but thick ink to meet him in every direction. He wants to hug his knees to himself. He almost starts rocking himself; a self-soothing habit he abandoned years ago. But of course the minute he admits weakness, Klaus will undoubtedly return, already talking as he turns the light back on. But his shuffling footsteps can’t yet be heard out on the hallway’s ancient floorboards.

He can’t calm himself. Can’t soothe himself. Ben isn’t weak. He’s evil, for God’s sake. He can’t let Klaus see him like this.

Ben frantically wipes his palms on his jeans and again clears the sweat from his brow, trying not to think about all the little spiders he has just pushed off his skin and straight into his hair.

Ben literally sits on his hands to avoid scratching at his face. His neck. His scalp. His eyebrows. In the corners of his mouth.

No, Ben. No, that’s not a breeze. No. There wasn’t a breeze a minute ago, and there isn’t a breeze now. A prickling. Right behind Ben’s right ear, Klaus whispers, “Boo.”

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Ded & Gonne || Devil’s Night || Start || Next

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[ded-and-gonne]

🍂 🎃 🍂 Sheehalloween 2022 🍂🎃🍂

Devil’s Night Part 3: A Green Man

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AN: I’m chopping a huge post down into manageable chunks. Hope you enjoy. Triggers: two not-brothers flirting, my sense of humor, treasure hunts, kitchens. Ded & Gonne is and will always be a gen fic.

Ded & Gonne || Devil’s Night || Start || Prev || Next

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“Is there such a thing as a sub-sub-basement?” It’s Klaus asking.

They’ve emerged from a non-descript door on an oddly ornate hallway. Lots of gilding. Crowns. Mouldings. Cherubs all over the place, a green man, and a gargoyle or two here and there. Wyrd-looking little squidgy symbols in random places, like the carpet, and light switches. A complete suit of armor. Other fancy stuff rich people would buy. For a really fancy sub-sub-basement.

Klaus asks, “Which way, Bennerino? This is your story, after all, and you get the honors of directing the particulars. You could even order me around, if that would cheer you up.”

That would definitely cheer Ben up. He needs to find a way of keeping Klaus willing to be bossed around indefinitely. Problem for another day.

Turning back to his not-brother, Klaus decides that Ben’s facial expression isn’t one to be trifled with. He can put off trifling for a while, for Ben’s sake. “Yes, dear one?” Klaus responds with fluttering lashes.

Turning back to his not-brother, Klaus decides that Ben’s facial expression isn’t one to be trifled with. He can put off trifling for a while, for Ben’s sake. “Yes, dear one?” Klaus responds with fluttering lashes.

Ben swallows heavily. He wants to kill Klaus, but that would be a little too on the nose for Devil’s Night. “Shut up and tell me how the hell this Devil’s Night thing is supposed to be a story. What exactly about this thing screams story to you?” is what Ben had wanted to say. Instead, he attempts the word “story” with a question mark at the end. Unfortunately, the explosive breath required by the word “story” is not available at the time due to losing his vocal chords. So he splutters a bunch of consonants, hoping “s,ry?” is close enough for Klaus to unpack.

Klaus unpacks. “Simple, Ben. We scare the shit out of each other as many times as possible between sundown and sunrise on Halloween morning. And then we get to tell everyone a bunch of awesome stories about how scared we got. Didn’t Dad make you guys play this?”

“Nnn,” Ben rasps his answer, and attempts to sigh a sigh of forbearance. Such a martyr, that Ben. “Storytelling? I’m sorry. But storytelling wasn’t a thing at the Sparrow Academy,” he would have responded, voice thick with disdain (rather than pain). Instead, he gives up and shakes his head, no.

“Really? Dad thought it was really important for our missions and the fate of the world that we tell good stories.”

“Namae nnnsense,” Ben whispers, lip curled, without explosive letters, and eyes squinting in doubt and pain.

“Sure it does. Like, ‘It was a dark and stormy night near Boston, when a short man — about 5’2” maybe, with a mustache, and a muscular build which looked really odd on such a tiny individual. He wore black leather jeans way too tight to hold out hope of ever producing enough live swimmers to father a child one day, a lime green t-shirt, and a lime green Mohawk. A caucasian male driving a 2012 Honda Civic Hatchback — beat me up and left me for dead at mile marker 25 on the Mass Pike heading west, before the Framingham exit. The license plate was suspicious.’ There. That’s a story. A really short and helpful one.”

“Cool story, bro,” says Ben, back to his eye-rolling sarcasm. It comes out more like a tiny, “Lll rrry, ro.” Again, the explosive letters giving him trouble. The humming, nasal letters, not so much.

A sharp left and on down a dark-ish hallway leads them to what Ben is guessing was once the belowstairs area for kitchen staff. A lightswitch proves the electricity still works, shocking, and a few footsteps into the largest room gives them a clear look at their treasure. At an industrial kitchen.

The layer of dust on the kitchen floor alone is at least an inch thick. Like an actual, measurable inch. Walking through it feels like disturbing freshly fallen snow. Plus the room has that eerie quiet that hangs over everything during a snowfall. Not a soul has traversed the room in, well, as many years as it takes to gather an inch of dust. The surfaces are even worse, which, if you really think about it, is not normal. Being abnormal in the sense that it lacks logic in almost every way.

It strikes Klaus as odd that the room lacks any trace of smell. On the contrary, it is a particularly noticeable freshness after what they’ve just come through.

No scent at all. Not musty, nor antiseptic, nor lemon-scented fresh. Nor like shit water, rot, or dead things. Ben smells no scent of freshly grilled and steaming fillet mignon, left to rest in peace, while the drippings are kept at a rolling boil for the Yorkshire pudding. As if food has never been prepared in this room. Not a sign of grunge, nor of stained surfaces. The kitchen appliances, the paint, the cabinets, countertops, all of it appears a lot newer than the rest of the, well, the rest of the entire building, actually.

The cupboards are officially bare. Officially. Not a dish nor a plate, let alone grilling utensils. And certainly no booze. And you know as well as anyone else that Klaus is a pro at finding booze, so, naturally, he’s checked. Like he’s really checked very hard.

Retracing their steps, a sharp right leads them out of the belowstairs quarters. On their way back, they continue beyond their original point of entry, and past more of the wyrd finery. This end of the hall culminates in a formal dining room. Don’t picture the one where Luther and Sloane got married. It’s not that cavernous, nor as twinkly and sparkly. But it’s got something the wedding didn’t. ooooWOOOOoooo

The glass French doors into the room stand open, as if expecting guests. Klaus is struck dumb. (That’s a miracle, by the way. Never happens.) The only occupants of the entire room are one long dining table and enough chairs for a substantial family or two — well over 20 chairs, possibly 30. The opulence of that dining table and its chairs is remarkable. So is the length. “It’s long. Longer than you were picturing, isn’t it, Ben. Like, stupid long,” Klaus remarks. “Normally I’d say who has room for that? But this room has room, so I guess they got what they paid for.”

As with every other room they’ve investigated (peeked into) thus far, the dining room is thick with dust, which kicks up from the floor into swirling eddies as they enter. Even the small panes of glass in the doors are covered in a layer of silt. Not just a dusting, but a mass of it clinging to the glass as if it’s been trapped there in an oily substance.

Ben now has a greater sense of foreboding than the foreboding he’d already been having, because the room, for all its opulence, has no windows to the outside world. Possibly because it’s a sub-sub-basement, but it could be for other reasons, too.

Against the far wall stands a massive, totally unexpected, green man.

“Look!” Klaus whisper-shouts, pointing at the green man. “It’s a green man!” He approaches the huge face. A man’s face, and only his face, Klaus can see that it had been cast in some sort of metal. The pink kind that turns green with age. Copper?

Ben stands back to take in the whole of it. Oval, tapering at the top and bottom. Almost like a huge imitation of a battle shield. Definitely not pretending to be a shield for actual fighting, Ben’s thinking. Not with this kind of ornately sculpted surface. No, this is pretending to be a formal, ceremonial shield. He couldn’t even guess what the weight of this thing would be to hang. He inspects it closely. Nah, that whole thing can’t be solid copper, that’s insane. Could it?

Ben has been fascinated by something other than conflict so rarely in his life, that he doesn’t even realize he’s been sucked in. “What are you on about? What’s a green man?”

Klaus turns slowly around, with the careful excitement of a small child who is in love with a new toy, but is afraid that even though his daddy gave it to him, he is about to take it right back out of Klausie’s chubby little baby hands. “Ooh! Ooh! I know this one.” Klaus stands up straighter, and holds his hands behind his back, while trying not to bounce on his toes. He speaks as if he’s giving a report. Maybe one of those ‘stories’ he likes so much. “They are pagan protector spirits or elementals in the Celtic lands stretching all the way back to the time of the druids. oooooWOOOOooooo, spooky.” Twinkle fingers. “But yeah,” he scritches his beard. “I dunno, though, something smells fishy. Because this big guy over here is a little bit younger than he should be, if he’s a green man.” Scratching his beard, he adds, “It’s not ancient. Not even medieval.” He is correct, it’s neither ancient nor medieval.

Klaus steps in closer to check out the detailing. Leaves grow in place of hair. His eyebrows, likewise, have grown leaves. Like an elemental would do. And the mustache and beard, also leaves. Standing up straight again, Klaus returns to his oral report. “Green Men are said to watch over rivers, lakes, streams, and woodlands. Doesn’t he look like he’s surfacing through his greenery? I don’t know about you Benny Bear, but I’m curious just what kind of greenery he’s been surfacing through. Think he’s got a leaf stuck in his teeth?”

Klaus walks up to only a nose’s distance, just to see what he can see, and starts to fondle the green man.

Not quite how it sounds. He’s running his fingers over bits of it, following every swirl in the lines of the oak leaf on one of its eyebrows. Or the lips, which seem about to speak. “Mirror, mirror, on the wall…that green man sure is tall. Am I right, ben? Yeah!”

Ben agrees. Stubbornly, so he doesn’t make it too easy for Klaus to have him around. Old habits blah blah blah whatever.

Thing is, Ben has been watching Klaus stroking down the length of the nose, and onward to the- the whatever it was they were- what were they- the fingers following sinuous lines. He shakes his head free of the hot, pink cobwebs that have suddenly regrown in the corners of his brain.

Klaus isn’t so much in a stupor as he is completely engrossed in his sensory experience, following all those snaking curves and ridges. “Boop!” Klaus pokes the Green Man in the eye.

Silently swinging open, the green man is a door.

No screech, creaks nor groans, no carpet to get caught on, unless you count all the dust. He would have at least expected the door to sound like metal against wood — whatever that sounds like. Or even a “fwoosh” sound. But nothing. Dead air.

“Ben? I’ve got a feelin, man. I’m thinkin like, maybe we shouldn’t go out there, y’know? This door was, it was way too easy. Right? I mean, that, that’s like a secret door, y’know? It should be harder to open.”

Klaus is actually quite shaken by this. “I’ve seen Indiana Jones and I know what it means when something is way too easy to open. Bad things happen. Bad.”

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Ded & Gonne || Devil’s Night || Start || Prev || Next

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Images: If anyone knows to whom I should credit any of these images, please tell me. Middle green man: john-howe.com

[ded-and-gonne]

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Ded & Gonne brings you Klaus & the Bens in

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The Mystery of The Dead Letter Office

Part 1: The Eventuality of Evil

AN: Still a gen fic, still starring Klaus and the Bens. But this time, they sleuth. It’s about time we start exploring, and detecting ghosts. Introducing our first D&G Mystery! TWs: Reading on ao3?

“Hello!” Klaus says, cheerfully. “Welcome to Ded & Gonne and oh, okay, bye.”

A man blinks at the whore’s boudoir vibe and never even makes it all the way over the welcome mat. It says “Bonsoir,” and Klaus loves the fact that the lettering is in black on a hot, pink background.

Klaus has received feedback that hot, pink in any material, let alone panne velvet (or jute, for god’s sake), is possibly the wrong vibe for a bookstore and detective agency. What do they know? It’s hot and pink — two of his favorite things. (Read on ao3…)

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Masterlist: | Start: Ch 1 | Prev: Ch 4 | This: Ch 5 | Next: Ch 6

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