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deebris · 1 year

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Melancholy II

Kakashi Hatake x wife reader

Synopsis: To learn to overcome the loss of your child, you and Kakashi went through challenges, and it certainly wasn't easy at all. The tragedy harbored bad feelings in your family, and you two tried not to let it affect your sons. But now, with the discovery of a fourth pregnancy, things can change again - for better or worse

Warnings: trauma, mention of misscariage, mention of depression, labor pain, argment, intimacy, kiss.

Words: 5.3k

Observation: Happy ending - part I here

The hot summer breeze made your hair sway along with the loose leaves of the trees, revealing your serene and concentrated face. Kakashi admired the beauty you exuded while he was looking from afar, not having the courage to go up to you, at least not where you were now. If you were in any other environment, he would definitely meet you and give you all the praise you deserve. But he preferred to walk away.

You were kneeling in front of your child's grave with your youngest son Kenji, both clasping your hands in prayer as you meditated. The boy always insisted on accompanying you during your monthly visits to the cemetery, helping you put new flowers and clean the place.

He always finished his meditation first, but he didn't dare get up until you finished too. Sitting still was difficult for a child, you know, and so his effort to remain patient was all the sweeter in your eyes.

After a brief five minutes, you had no more prayers to say and opened your eyes to see him transfixed on the name written on the tombstone: Satoru.

That same year you lost the baby, Kakashi advised you not to find out the sex of the child, but you were stubborn and asked Sakura anyway. You weren't even sure if it would be possible to find that out, as you didn't know if your pregnancy was advanced enough to reveal such a thing. But asking doesn't cost anything, does it? And then she told you it was going to be another boy. It was even a little comical, it seemed like you were destined to be the mother of boys, and after that you couldn't help but name him. You imagined what his little face would look like, you dreamed about him, wishing he was more than a fantasy.

What would his personality be like? How would his voice sound? Will you finally have a child that looks like you? Your husband was lucky, both of your children were perfect copies of him. What's the use of carrying a baby for 9 months and being betrayed like that by genetics? How unfair. Maybe that's why they say not to name dead babies, to go on in the void and forget, but you didn't like the feeling. Forgetting felt wrong.

Kakashi didn't want you to get attached to a child you've never even met, he said it would only make you suffer further. And for a while it felt like it was all about you, and only you. But you weren't silly, he was ashamed to admit that he was afraid of suffering from that too, of getting attached. Your husband was afraid that he wouldn't be able to move on, that it would haunt you both forever. Time heals all, isn't that what people say? Didn't he once tell you that you guys would get over it? So why weren't you getting over it?

Of course, after a while the pain got easier to deal with, but it was still there. And you constantly missed something, someone. Your family seemed incomplete.

He didn't get mad when you went after finding out the sex of the child, and he didn't fight when you gave him a name, but he was furious when you said you wanted to make a grave.

Spring - 1 year and 8 months ago:

You were cleaning the kitchen with Katsuo when the argument with your husband started. There was tension after the two of you exchanged some dangerous words, nothing had really gotten serious yet, but your eldest decided to immediately drop the uncompleted work and leave the room. He didn't even bother to excuse himself, just wanting to leave as soon as possible.

"That's enough for me!" He got up from the table abruptly "I tried, at all times, to understand you. I also suffered from this!" You remembered the conversation you had with him the day you cried together in the hallway, the way you found him, totally in pieces. Like you. "And all I wanted was for you to try to understand me too!" he spoke in a serious tone, but never shouting "But you just decide you want to make a grave, when I've told you countless times to keep it anonymous!"

Even when angry, your husband was calm. He was obviously exhausted, but there were no signs of violence there. You wondered how anyone could be so passive. If anyone else saw how Kakashi treated his family and friends, they would never believe that he really is the ninja of rumors. The man who defeated Zabuza Momochi, who fought Obito Uchiha - the fearsome Copy Ninja.

"Do you really want to immortalize this suffering by carving it into a stone?!" you listened silently for the moment, having already set the dishes aside in the sink and getting the reaction you feared he would have before telling him your pitiful wish "I already have too many people to visit the cemetery, Y/n..." His voice cracked for a moment making you shiver "Please, don't give me another one."

Your heart broke into little pieces. That was what you needed to realize how much distress you were causing him, that you were acting like a monster with the man who had never done anything but be good to you. Because that's what you were being, isn't it? A monstrous one. But not in a thousand years would Kakashi see you that way, he wasn't able to read your thoughts to tell that you weren't a bad person like you thought. He couldn't compare his pain to yours, having closely followed your suffering beyond emotional, physical. He just didn't know how to deal with what you were asking him to do.

"You don't need to visit…" you spoke softly hoping that the situation would work out for the two of you. The last few months were the worst of your life, you felt a need all the time, a need to fill a void. You feared that you were slipping into depression, but you tried not to let yourself get bogged down in those emotions.

"Stop being selfish!" Kakashi finally exploded, in a tone you've never heard him speak, abandoning his calm posture. He regretted it as soon as he said the cruel words. His wife wasn't a selfish person, far from it, you were the most selfless person he has met.

You felt your throat close, as if you were going to choke, and your eyes burning with an imminent urge to cry. But you can't cry, if you cry, Kakashi will be destroyed.

"I-" you were interrupted by a whimper in the distance, feeling stupid for having forgotten that Katsuo and Kenji were at home, clearly hearing the argument. If making you cry was bad, making your kids cry would affect him twice as hard.

A very heavy aura hung over the residence, what the hell was going on with you two? You and your husband weren't a bickering couple, in fact, you were the complete opposite of that. It happened at times that you blurted out hostility in the presence of the children, and on those few occasions you noticed that small things were enough to frighten the boys, used to the fact that their parents rarely fought.

Only this time it was serious, and to top it all off, the one screaming was their father. How could they not be scared? Kakashi never raised his voice even to correct them, and now he looked very angry. From you?

You abandoned your discussion and left him alone in the kitchen to check which of the boys was crying, and when you arrived in the living room you discovered that it was Kenji.

"Mommy..." The child sobbed your name when he saw you and you took him to comfort. He buried his face in the crook of your neck and gripped the fabric of your clothing tightly - shivering.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry." you rubbed your hand on his back, sliding it up and down in an attempt to soothe him. "It's going to be okay. Shh..."

You shivered as you saw the guilty look on Kakashi's face as he froze in the middle of the room. He must have followed you, and you felt so ashamed of having caused all this that you couldn't stand to stay there any longer, going up the stairs with Kenji in your arms to escape from his eyes.

Katsuo was already a little older, he understood what was going on between his parents, both you and your husband knew about it. From your shared room, even with your son still crying, you could hear a door slamming loudly in the hallway and Katsuo yelling at Kakashi.

You hated to fight, Katsuo hated to see you fight. But for some reason it kept repeating itself.

Kakashi entered the room after a few minutes, skittish as a cat and hearing Kenji sniffle clinging to you.

"Shh" You kept whispering in his ear while singing a lullaby, rocking him, and the boy called to you softly repeatedly, pleading.

You were surprised to notice that Kakashi was already right next to you at the end of the bed, he put his hand on your son's back to get his attention, but that made him cringe and bury his face even more in you.

"Kenji." Kakashi called after him, surprised that his son was trying to avoid him.

"Honey, daddy is talking." you tried to intervene.

"I don't want you to fight..." he said, suddenly crying loudly when he remembered the two of you arguing a few minutes ago.

"Let's not fight anymore" your husband smoothed his hair as he still refused to show his face to his father "I promise." Kakashi looked at his wife in anticipation that you would help him convince the child.

"It's true, little angel."

And really, you never fought again. But instead, uncomfortable moments of silence began to plague you and him too often, preferring to remain silent when you realized that the situation could lead to a fight. And this has affected your communication with your husband, making the two of you more distant.

Now it's been two years. After that day Kakashi made your son's grave without you even knowing, maybe trying to redeem himself for something that wasn't his fault. You had completely dropped the idea and didn't expect you guys to talk about it again.

You didn't know if surprise was the exact word you were looking for to describe what you felt, but it probably came closest. Imagine your amazement: you were at the Memorial Stone, getting ready to leave after visiting all the deceased relatives and friends on a Sunday, when he told you there was still one person missing. He showed you the way and you were moved to see the name written on the tombstone. That was the last time he was there, after which you never saw him there again. But Kakashi made sure to memorize your reaction that day, you looked amazed.

Breaking out of your thoughts, you smiled at Kenji who was still focused on the carved letters and gave his chubby cheek a kiss to get the youngster's attention.

"Let's visit Grandpa Sakumo's sepulcher." you took his hand, which was much smaller than yours, going to your father-in-law's tomb.

You didn't know Kakashi's father, but from the stories you heard your husband tell the boys, he was an honorable man. He never avoided telling his children about the shinobi's tragic end, as he thought it was important that they have a reference of strong values when they become ninja too.

Your eldest son was not so childish anymore, although he was still a child. But with only 10 he had already developed an unshakable sense of justice, which perhaps neither you or Kakashi could mold so easily anymore. He would certainly be a man of good character, just as you would expect Kenji to be too.

"Katsuo is here, Mom! Look." Kenji shook your hands together excitedly when he found his brother already meditating at Sakumo's grave, he probably visited the Memorial Stone with his father first and then came here. Kakashi could spend hours in that part of the cemetery, sometimes coming in the middle of the week, just to stare at the names of his two former companions - Obito and Rin.

"Be silent so as not to interrupt him." You said gently, motioning with your fingers for him to keep quiet and the three of you ended up going home without Kakashi.

"Thanks for the food, Mom." Katsuo thanked you as he removed his nearly full plate from the table.

"You bad ate."

You decided to start dinner when the clock showed that your husband was already 1 hour late, which was unusual, at least not without letting you know. You thought that something unforeseen arose in the Hokage's office. Things have been crazy lately, everyone running out of time to prepare for Naruto's inauguration ceremony as Nanadaime. But the news was encouraging, for you mainly because it meant he would be spending more time at home.

"I'm not hungry." he said in a despondent tone, going upstairs and locking the bedroom door. He always acted like this after visits, and the reason was you. He didn't want you to visit Satoru, interpreting that he was the reason you've been so bad these last few years. And no matter how many times you told him that it wasn't anyone's fault and that visiting the place didn't hurt you, he was still young to understand.

"Can I have his dango?" Kenji asked making you sigh, everything was going so well for a peaceful day.

You suddenly felt like throwing up, bile rising in your throat catching you off guard. You immediately ran to the bathroom and emptied everything into the toilet, nearly spilling your guts out. You sat down on the floor and took a breath, feeling more dizzy for having bent down so quickly, making you break out in a cold sweat.

"Mom, are you ok?" Kenji stopped at the entrance to the room.

"I just got sick all of a sudden, it'll pass." you both heard the front door open.

"Kakashi?" you shouted his name from the bathroom, finding it irregular that he didn't announce his arrival.

"It's me, I'm home." Kenji dashed off to meet him, completely forgetting about you. Daddy's boy, you thought jealously of his preference for the father.

"Daddy, you missed dinner." your child said as you brushed your teeth to get the bitter taste off tongue.

"Oh yeah? You didn't eat mine, you sweet tooth?" you heard your husband's muffled voice in the bathroom playing with him. If you hadn't experienced it three times before, you'd try to convince yourself that it was a bad thing caused by spoiled food, but there's no use denying it, you know the symptoms all too well.

When you felt that you were discouraged, you sought out Sakura as quickly as possible, trying to be more thorough. You only trusted her, knowing well how skilled the kunoichi was. Well, you wasn't sure how far along you were, although Sakura had tried to give you a more accurate diagnosis, even that you weren't tracking your cycles accurately either. But you'd venture to say it was the start of the second trimester.

You haven't imagined yourself pregnant again, in fact you haven't imagined yourself like this since you gave birth for the second time. You feared losing that child too, a fear you didn't feel with Katsuo and Kenji. You sure turned into a chicken.

You didn't even want to think about the impact this baby would have on you before and after birth, it could be negative or positive. Would this child fill your void? Would you be substituting one child for another? Would that be cruelty? You asked yourself so many questions, but you forced your brain to relax, reminding yourself to remain calm for the sake of the baby in your belly.

In your first two pregnancies, you only had positive thoughts. You weren't nervous about the birth, although some women in the village tried to scare you, and you were fascinated by the idea of becoming a mother. You and Kakashi were so happy, and now you would too. No matter the future, no matter the others, you would only have good thoughts and that new child would be born strong and healthy. This baby would be wanted, if only by you.

You've settled Kenji into his bed, adjusting the blankets so he doesn't feel hot at night. You said goodnight and closed the door to his room, leaving a gap for light from the hallway to enter the room. You knocked on Katsuo's door and tried to talk to him, but the boy just shouted good night to you, not bothering to come and open the door. Kakashi was still downstairs and it was late, so you took the opportunity to go talk to him. Night shifts were one of the only times you and your husband could talk alone.

"Everything is good?" you asked when you saw him sprawled on the couch. Most of the lights were already off, except for the hallway light and a few lightbulbs around the house.

"I thought you were already asleep." He said surprised to see you still walking around the house.

You walked further into the room and made a sign that you were going to join him on the couch, so Kakashi raised an arm to welcome you beside him. You laid back and rested your head on the ninja's chest, hugging his torso as he lowered his arm to rest on your waist.

After a while just smelling the fabric softener of his shirt that you washed, you moved and placed a kiss on his exposed neck, climbing into his lap to kiss his lips next.

Kakashi loved those moments with you, because they were rare, the main culprit being his work. So when it happened he felt like he was in heaven. Your mouth was soft, sweet and the man's lips fit yours like a glove, but he gently pulled you away before the kiss got deeper.

"Not here." Kakashi didn't like being so intimate with you outside the bedroom, embarrassed that the boys would catch you. Even an innocent kiss made him uncomfortable, and you respected his space even though you had no intention of taking things to another level right now.

And it was funny to see him feel uncomfortable with things like that, considering he's the biggest fan of an erotic book series. Once Katsuo almost got you in the bathroom and Kakashi spent the whole week avoiding touching you, even when you were alone, like it was some kind of crime.

"I need to talk to you." you said getting off him.

"About...?"

"I'm Pregnant." you said bluntly, feeling him tense up. His heartbeat skipped a beat, coming back slow and then speeding up a little.

"Do you think or-"

"I'm sure." you lifted your head to look into his eyes and realized he was staring at the floor in confusion. You placed a hand on his cheek, drawing your husband's attention to you.

"I don't know how long, but I think it's well underway." you two were silent for a few seconds, but it felt like an eternity "Kakashi, I think I'm past the third month."

He felt more hopeful, knowing full well the importance of yout last sentence.

"Darling..." you were going to continue talking when you saw him gulping, but he grabbed you by wrapping both arms around his wife.

"I understood." he rested his lips in her hair, enjoying the comfort of the hug "When did you find out?"

"Last week." He immediately broke the hug.

"Why did you wait so long to tell me?"

"I was trying to work up the courage..." you were sincere "you want this child, don't you?"

"You shouldn't even consider thinking such a thing. Of course I want to." he said kind of scolding you "Why would you think I don't?"

That would be the conversation you probably would have had with him years ago, if you had the chance to sit down with him and tell about the pregnancy in those days.

"I don't know. I think it's because we never planned a third child." you moved from him to the other side of the couch to talk more seriously "With Kenji and Katsuo it was different."

"You shouldn't worry about me, you know I would never reject our child." he straightened up, coming out of the relaxed position he'd been in before, feeling a flicker of doubt about your trust in him "You know that, don't you?"

"I know you, I know the type of man you are..." you played with your hands trying to relax "But I can't help but get nervous, everything seems to scare me lately." He noticed your hands moving frantically and wrapped his in hers.

"You are my wife; you are the mother of my two children. We have been married for 11 years, I would never abandon you, or abandon a child just because it was not planned." he stopped talking, wondering if he should tell you the next part "Sometimes I think about Satoru, and I wish he were with us." He added and you widened your eyes, Kakashi had never called the baby by name. In fact, he never spoke to you about him unless necessary or in discussions. "Do you think I wished him dead?" Kakashi asked afraid of her answer.

But what? Kakashi thought so? You would never connect his desire to leave the baby incognito with something so cruel and obscure, you understood perfectly well why he didn't want to name him. You always understood.

"Never." you turned desperately to your husband stroking his hands. "I never thought that of you, Kakashi." You shed thick tears and sank your body into his, wanting to stay there forever. Safe and comfortable in his arms.

"Please, do not cry." he asked you "I'm going to take care of you; I'm going to take care of this baby. It's going to be okay."

You would venture to say that this was your smoothest pregnancy. You didn't have to deal with jealous of any of the boys, and Kakashi was more present, not being Hokage anymore. It was just wonderful, like a dream. You sometimes feared that everything would start to fall apart, because it was too good to be true. It was strange that after so long drowning in grief, things could be starting to turn around again. Your family was getting back to normal.

In the 8th month, your water broke. It was early for delivery and you just freaked out. What if something is wrong? Kakashi was calm, knowing that a baby being born at the 8th wasn't that dangerous, but you couldn't stay calm at all. When Sakura finally came to your rescue, you felt more relieved after she confirmed what Kakashi told you about you being on time, trusting her while you screamed in pain from the contractions.

"The boys were born a week late, remember?" your husband tried to strike up a conversation with you to distract you

If you said you remembered, it would be a lie. Kakashi kept that information for that long? How was it possible that he remembered and you didn't? But soon his thoughts were interrupted by another wave of pain, which made him feel sorry for you for having to go through this.

"Soon our baby will be here with us." He said wiping the sweat off your forehead "It'll pass soon"

No, I won't go soon. And you both knew it, but you let yourself be trusted by him.After an 11-hour delivery you heard a baby crying loudly. The burning sensation occurred in the child's body because pulling air into lungs for the first time made the kid scream, just like every baby when it is born. Those outside the hospital room heard it too, announcing that you had managed to bring your child into the world. You can finally rest, sweaty from the effort it took to push. Your body was all asleep, but you just wanted to hold your newborn right now.

Sakura handed the baby into Kakashi's arms after he cut the umbilical cord, and then brought him close to you.

"It's a girl, Kakashi-sama." you cried with happiness when you heard that. You were the mother of a little girl.

Kakashi carefully placed her in your arms, seeing that you were still weak and might not be able to support your weight. But he noticed that his daughter was so small and so light that even the wind could carry her.

"She is a very strong and healthy girl. Congratulations to you both!" Sakura said happy for you, finding the sight of you holding a baby comforting, reminding her of holding Sarada for the first time.

"Why is she so small?" Kakashi asked her as you admired the blurry features of the child in your arms.

"Oh, she just is." Sakura replied nonchalantly, making Kakashi relax "I'm sure she'll grow up as strong as her brothers. But I'll leave you alone now." The woman left the room after collecting some objects and finishing filling out a hospital form.

You had finally realized that she was very close with her father, yet another clone of Kakashi for your misfortune. But you couldn't wait for her hair to stay long, just to spend hours combing it. You wanted her to stay that way, a little baby forever, but at the same time you yearned for her to grow up. You would wait for the day when you could finally share secrets with her, gossip and try on clothes until you drop. You loved your two boys with all of your being, you'd die for either of them, but having a girl felt different. Maybe it was because you dreamed about it for a long time, you didn't know how to explain it, but you already felt the need to develop her from everything and everyone. She was so delicate and cute, you were afraid she would break like porcelain.

Kakashi noticed the expressions you made while admiring your daughter, you practically beamed with how happy you were, and he hasn't seen you like this in a long time.

"You want to meet your little brothers, hmm?" You asked your daughter who made typical baby noises, knowing she wasn't going to answer. Your husband took this as a cue to go get the boys who were under Hinata's watch in the hospital waiting room. She really helped you a lot, both in the past and now. You would make sure that you thank her properly and that you can repay all of her help one day.

"It's a girl." Kakashi told his friends who were in the waiting room a few minutes ago and everyone started to congratulate him. "Thanks for coming over here."

"When can we see her, Kakashi?" Guy asked his friend.

"Yes! Kakashi-sama, I want to see her too!" Ino begged excitedly to see the baby. She was passing by to see Sakura at the hospital when she heard you were here and couldn't resist waiting to see the baby when was born.

"I'll take the boys now, but soon you'll be able to see them, I promise."Kakashi told Ino and everyone else who was present. He put his hand behind his neck to ease the tension and tiredness and then he picked up the children who were half asleep from waiting so long. He thanked Hinata briefly, who told him that soon Naruto would come too, and headed to the bedroom with his sons. "When you enter, be quiet" he told both of them when they arrived at the door.

"Yes Daddy!" Kenji responded by rubbing his hand over his mouth as if he were zipping up.

"Let's go!" Katsuo pulled his father anxious to see his sister.

"Hey, calm down."

Upon opening the bedroom door, Kenji completely forgot to be silent and made a fuss, shouting excitedly to see you after so many hours. The baby started crying over the noise, and Kakashi scolded himself for being so sloppy with the youngest. But you didn't seem to care about the situation, in fact, the boy's enthusiasm rubbed off on you as you tried to get the baby calm again.

Kakashi took Kenji on his arms and carefully approached him by your side on the bed when he saw that he was trying to climb up, but he couldn't win due to his low height. Katsuo ran to stay on the other side and they both knew to admire their little sister.

"Why is her face so weird?" Kenji as usual had no filter.

"She was just born." you told him sympathetically and they expected to pepper you with questions about her, coming one after another like a train.

"Boys, slow down." he warned the boys "your mother is tired."

"Sorry, Mommy."

"All good." you looked at Katsuo who was sitting on the bed with you "Want to hold her?"Even though he was big, Kakashi didn't feel confident letting his son hold the baby.

"Y/n..." he was going to try to tell you that Katsuo was still too young to hold his sister.

"It's okay, Kakashi." you tried to reassure him "He won't put her down, kids younger than he babysit."

You pulled Katsuo closer to you, instructing him on what to do to hold the girl. You stayed alert and put an arm around the boy to prevent him from ending up knocking her over.

"I want to hold too."

"Not you, you little dwarf." Kakashi immediately intervened, leaving no chance for the 6 year old to consider holding the baby. You sighed at his attitude of not trusting boys.

"What is her name?" Katsuo asked you as soon as he held his sister.

"Do you want to name her?" you made an offer.

"Sayuri!" Kenji shouted, excited to be able to choose the baby's name

"What?! Where did you get that horrible name?" You see they were going to start arguing about which name to choose and immediately regretted it "It's going to be Misaki.

"You're just saying that because it's the name of the girl you like!" In fact, Kenji was quite the gossip. You didn't even know about this girl.

"The girl you like, is it?" Kakashi teased his son by ruffling his hair and making the boy blush.

"Kakashi!" You warned him to stop teasing a child. "How do you end up knowing so much stuff, you little brat?" You asked Kenji pulling his nose playfully, which made him laugh.

"What do you think of the name Rin?" Kakashi asked you suddenly, worried about your reaction.

"Rin? Like Daddy's friend?" Katsuo asked confused.

"If you don't mind, of course." He added to you expectantly

"Rin..." You repeated the name, testing how it sounded "Sounds good." you said smiling, knowing how much that meant to him. You know how much Kakashi feels guilty for her death, they were just kids at the time and they had to go through so much.

"I liked too." Kenji said taking you by surprise.

"Snow!" Katsuo said excitedly as he looked at the window behind

It messed you up, you lost your last baby on a winter night. And the season that already showed sadness, despite its built-in beauty, had become even sadder with the memory of your son. But now your little girl has come to give the season a new meaning, a good one.

You looked at the little girl again, taking her out of Katsuo's arms to let him run to the window with his brother to watch the first snowflakes fall. You let the baby girl play with your index finger, grabbing it with her chubby little hands.

Kakashi who came down beside you kissed his daughter's forehead and then your temple.

"I love you."

That was the first time in years he said he loved you verbally.

"You and they are the light of my life." He brushed a few strands of hair off your face, "I couldn't have asked for anything better."

"Thanks, Kakashi." If you were already crying rivers of joy at the birth of your daughter, he just made you cry an ocean. He didn't need you to say you loved him back, having heard you say it many times already.

Etiquetas: @ghostsfavhoe @bbkissme99

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deebris · 1 year

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Melancholy

Kakashi Hatake x wife reader

Synopsis: You and Kakashi were never passionate, but you got married and developed an affection for each other. You had two children together and your life was peaceful. But a single winter night destroyed you two forever.

Warnings: trauma, misscariage, blood.

Words: 3.5k

Observation: part II here.

Kakashi Hatake is a good man. A skilled ninja, with an exemplary character and an admirable reputation. That was enough for you. You never demanded he be a loving husband, his calm and patient nature was already a huge comfort in your 9 years of marriage.

Many women weren't as lucky as you were. Some poor women suffered at the mercy of violent and cruel men. But few others were much luckier than you and were blessed with a marriage filled with passion and warmth.

You were fine with the way things were. You lived in squalor and Kakashi gave you a home, you had no dreams and he gave you purpose. He graced you with two wonderful children, and you repaid him by taking care of him and being a good wife. You never wanted to be a ninja, but in the midst of poverty this was the only thing that got you a little bit of money. He was a stoic man most of the time, and he wasn't a father who showed much affection with words either, but he had action. He was always there for you and the kids.

You two loved each other, that's for sure. It was impossible not to grow fond of someone like him after years of marriage. Coexistence created a bond between you. But it was never passion. Your relationship with him didn't take off because of passion, which never existed. To be clear, it just wasn't reciprocated. You were head over heels for the man, but he wasn't.

"I made dinner earlier today, I hope the food is to your liking." You said receiving him after hearing his voice announcing that he was home. You noticed the deep circles under his eyes, the day had obviously been exhausting. Being Hokage was difficult, there was a lot of responsibility in his hands. He had already mentioned to you his desire to pass the position on to someone else. Everything indicated that the next Hokage would be Naruto, the boy deserved it after everything he went through to get the title.

"Thank you. Your food is always good, don't worry." Little affirmations like that cheered you up, although you never let on too much contentment so as not to make him uncomfortable. Kakashi didn't handle affection well.

You immediately returned to the kitchen and placed a plate for him on the table. As soon as he finished taking off his shoes at the entrance, he went into the kitchen to wash his hands and sat down, waiting for you to sit down with him so he could start helping himself.

"Where are the boys?" He asked you, finally finding the silence in the house strange. The kids always jumped on him as soon as he walked through the door.

"Katsuo is feeling bad today. He had a bit of a fever, so I put him to bed to rest."

"Is that why you made dinner early?"

"Yes" You gave him a slight smile as you also sat down at the table and helped yourself along with Kakashi.

"But what about Kenji? Where is he?"

"Hinata took him, he and Boruto wanted to watch a TV show together tonight." You were a little nervous about revealing this to him, as you had forgotten to let him know that his son was going to his friend's house. When Hinata showed up at your door this afternoon to take Kenji away, you felt silly, but you let the boy go. You gave your word that he would go to their house. Kakashi was very worried about his children, always wanting to know what they were doing, where they were and who they were with. But it was Naruto and Hinata's house, everything was fine and you would deal with your husband later.

"I'm sorry for not letting you know, I just forgot to-"

"All good." He said it simply. Kakashi trusted Hinata, unfortunately he couldn't say the same about Naruto taking care of a child. It wasn't as if the son was in a stranger's house.

You and Kakashi were married shortly after the Ninja War in a simple ceremony. You met him in the preparations for battle. He found you a beautiful, intelligent and good-natured woman. You went out a few times and got closer. Coming from a very poor village with no family to go back to, you wanted to settle down in Konoha. And thanks to your contribution as a ninja, you were more than welcome. At first neither of you thought your dates could result in marriage, but you both saw that it would be a good thing. It was convenient.

You expressed your feelings to Kakashi after a while. He was sincere and said that he wasn't in love, but that he saw you as a good person, that he admired you, and that he wouldn't mind getting into a relationship with you. You should have been sad, but you felt hope. Maybe you could make him fall in love with you over time. But these days, you're pretty sure you never made it happen.

"Thanks for the meal." He told you as soon as he finished eating and put his plate in the sink. "I'm going to sleep now, I'll wait for you in the room."

"No need to wait up for me, you look tired." He looked you briefly in the eye and nodded as he walked up the stairs. Really a man of few words, you thought.

Kakashi checked on Katsuo when he got upstairs before going to bed. He placed his hand on the boy's forehead and saw that he had a very high temperature. His breathing was also hampered, making it take a lot of effort to pull air in and out of his lungs. He adjusted the blanket a little and smoothed the boy's hair, white like his and his younger brother's. Kakashi's genes were definitely dominant, but the eyes were still yours.

He turned his thoughts from his son to you. It was common for Kakashi to think about his wife during the day. He wondered how you were doing, maybe the boys were too much trouble. He was strict with his children when they threw a tantrum or disrespected you, he would not accept any kind of bad behavior from them towards you. Although you sometimes covered up their bad creations out of pity for their cute faces.

You are a good mother and a good wife.

When you finished cleaning the kitchen, you went to your shared room to sleep and finish the day. You opened the door carefully so as not to make any noise, figuring that Kakashi must be sleeping. You took a shower to remove the unpleasant onion smell from your body. You put on a satin nightgown and lay down on your side of the bed slowly so as not to wake your husband. But Kakashi moved as soon as you laid your head on the pillow. He hugged you from behind and buried his head in the crook of your neck.

"You smell good." He said after a few minutes in silence enjoying the new scent the floral soap gave you.

"Thanks." You said placing your hand on top of his which rested lazily on your belly. You didn't dare say or do anything more and just appreciated his rare gesture. It wasn't common for Kakashi to hug you, let alone hug you in your sleep, although he always said when he thought you were pretty on occasion. But on strenuous days, it was notorious that he got a little clingy on you at bedtime. Like a child clutching his teddy bear to ward off the fears of the night. He said nothing more than the brief comment about how good you smelled and drifted off to sleep.

You had been debating with yourself for a few days now about how you were going to tell Kakashi that you were pregnant for the third time. You have noticed your intense mood swings, becoming more emotionally sensitive. Nausea would come and go, and since your husband was working all day, it would be hard for him to notice any change in your behavior. You weren't gaining weight yet, but cravings for certain foods had already kicked in, plus your breasts were starting to feel sore and slightly larger.

You planned two children when you got married, a boy and a girl. Well, two boys came, but you two didn't care, because you were happy with the children you had. A third wouldn't be a problem for you, but maybe it would be for him. It was stupid to be afraid to say something like that, you two were an adult couple not teenage sweethearts. Now would have been a perfect time to tell if he wasn't so fatigued. A week from now it would be Katsuo's 8th birthday and you didn't want to take away your firstborn's special moment with the news of another child. So maybe it would be better to wait a little longer, then you would tell.

Katsuo was angry when he found out that you were pregnant with Kenji. He was only 3 years old at the time, how could a boy be so aware of his age as to be jealous of his parents? Pregnancy hormones made Katsuo's attitude hit you harder than it normally would. You were worried, imagining that he wouldn't accept his brother, but Kakashi assured you that afterwards he would be excited about the idea of being a big brother. And he was absolutely right.

You couldn't sleep, it was already 2am and you just couldn't fall asleep. Then you can get up to check on your son who was sick in the next room. You thought your insomnia was related to worries about your newfound pregnancy, but as soon as you sat up in bed ready to get up, you felt warm liquid leak between your legs.

You lifted the hem of your nightgown to see a dark stain spread across your thighs and sheets. But how? You couldn't be menstruating, you were sure you were pregnant. Was it all psychological? You had all the symptoms. You weren't feeling any pain, it couldn't be a miscarriage, could it? You didn't really know how these things worked, or why they happened, but you were aware that before 3 months there was a risk. But there was no pain, it should hurt if it did, right?

You immediately burst into tears not understanding what was happening to your body and you shook your sleeping husband for help.

"What happened?" He carried himself drunk with sleep and worried at the desperate tone in your voice. His fears soon led him to think of Katsuo, who perhaps had deteriorated due to the bad situation he was in when Kakashi visited him in his room.

"Kakashi-" you stumbled over the words, not knowing what you were going to say. What needed to be said? What if it was just your time of the month coming up? But there was so much blood, and this had never happened to you. He didn't even know you were pregnant, how to throw all that at him at once?

Not knowing how to express yourself properly, you just turned on the bedside table lamp and showed him the stain. Kakashi saw it and froze in shock. The scene was unpleasant. You crying frantically and the red stain underneath you only made everything darker.

"What is wrong?"

"I-I…" You started moving your hands nervously gripping the dirty sheets, further staining your fingers with the sticky liquid.

He decided not to waste any more time. He gave up waiting for an explanation from you and took you to the bathroom. You wouldn't be able to say anything with the panic taking over your nervous system.

"Do you need medicine?" Kakashi asked you for guidance. He didn't know what to do, damn it, he didn't even understand the situation right. You didn't answer but he insisted "Do I have to take you to the hospital?"

You just nodded your head quickly after his last question.

"Take me to the hospital." you said clinging to his arms. He gently let go of you as he walked back into the room,

He went to put something on and as he hurriedly put on his shirt he called Naruto asking if he could come watch over Katsuo. He got you a set of clean clothes, but you refused and just accepted that he dressed you in a long coat. In Kakashi's head everything was in slow motion, but it only took him 7 minutes to do everything and get you to the hospital

Arriving there you demanded that Sakura assist you, Kakashi knew that she was on duty today keeping an eye on some jounins who were injured on a mission two days ago, so the nurses quickly went to call the woman seeing that it was the Hokage himself who was asking, or rather, ordering.

How could this be happening? you wondered. You were a healthy woman, you always took care of your food and kept in good shape. You were concerned about your well-being.

After half an hour, Sakura confirmed that you were indeed pregnant. It was, in the past.

Even though she explained to you that this could happen, that it was normal, you couldn't accept it. You couldn't care less about how Kakashi was reacting to the news. All you could think about was your little baby, who would never see the world. You think you've never felt such a pain in your heart, loneliness and sadness dominated your mind. So that was what grief was like. You had never become attached to someone to the point of mourning their death. But you already loved your child, you still love. Why did life take your baby away from you?

Kakashi wanted to be selfish and suffer alone after the crushing news. But you didn't look well, either physically or emotionally. You were blaming yourself for what happened, he knew that.

"But I take care of myself and I've had two healthy pregnancies. I barely have cramps when I'm-"

"Y/n-senpai, these things happen regardless of us. It's our body working, and we can't consciously stop it." Sakura tried to get it through your head, to see if it comforted you, but the sadness of a mother who lost her child wasn't easy to deal with. You shut up, which made Kakashi take matters into his own hands. Sakura explained what was needed for you to recover physically, and she emphasized that you might need some psychological support.

"Kakashi-sama, are you okay?" Sakura asked quietly just for him to hear, the woman noticed his melancholy state.

The truth was, Kakashi was broken inside. More broken than ever. Finding out he was going to have a child and losing the baby within such a short time shook him. But he just maintained a calm pose and thanked his former student. Sakura gave you some painkillers, cleaned up what your body had put out, and promised to visit you at home during your recovery, but for now you would spend the night under observation and being cleaned up.

Kakashi worried about his two young children. They were with Naruto and Hinata now, but he couldn't get the bad feeling out of him. He imagined losing the two boys, and tried to push the dark images out of his head. While he didn't know how to act to make you feel better, you cried and cried. It hit you both hard. Neither of you two have spoken directly to each other yet.

When you returned home the other morning, Kakashi felt guilty. He needed to work, but how could he after tonight? He tormented himself for a while and decided to leave things in his counselor's hands for the day. You saw Hinata giving Katsuo soup and Kenji on the sofa playing. The youngest was excited by the arrival of his parents and ran to jump on your lap. But Kakashi was quick to catch him in his arms before he jumped on you.

"Daddy!" The boy yelled in surprise at Kakashi's sudden attitude. He rested one small arm on his father's shoulder and looked at you. "Mommy!"

"Hi, little angel." You tried to make a happy face for him and planted a kiss on his cheek. You were feeling weak and dizzy. You wanted to feel pain just to distract yourself from sad emotions, but painkillers still did not allow you to suffer physically. Perhaps being in pain eased the mental suffering, perhaps made it worse. You didn't know right.

You thanked Hinata for looking out for the boys, and asked her to tell Naruto that you were also grateful for his help. Kakashi walked with her to the door while still holding Kenji. Both waving her goodbye.

"If you need help, or anything else, don't hesitate to ask. Sakura informed me, I'm sorry for you." She said before walking away.

You looked away from the door to a still sick Katsuo sitting at the table, the soup was almost finished and you started to feel worse than you already did. You had lost a child, you were a horrible mother, and meanwhile your other little boy was sick and you weren't there to take care of him. You couldn't take care of any of your children properly. If you had been more careful, Katsuo never would have gotten sick. He would be fine.

You began to feel a terrible fear of losing yet another child. You feared that his illness would get worse and take him away from you too. Was Kakashi feeling how you felt?

You went to him and hugged him tightly, shedding tears for the thousandth time.

"Sorry mom, my love." The boy didn't understand your apology, but he hugged you back anyway. "I won't leave you again." You tightened the hug leaving the boy scared.

"Mom, why are you sad?"

"I'm sad because I was away from you, that's all." you kissed his hair brushed a few strands off his forehead "I missed you."

"But you saw me yesterday, Mommy." he let out a cute little laugh, typical of a child.

"What about me, Mom? Did you miss me too?" Kenji slipped off his father's lap and placed him in the middle of the hug. Kakashi watched his interaction with the boys silently at the entrance to the kitchen.

"I missed you very, very much." You said finally showing some fun grabbing your youngest. Kakashi saw that his children did you good, it improved your mood a little. Though he had thought the boys might overwhelm you, they eased your pain. So he thought he could finally suffer his way while the children comforted you.

Kakashi went upstairs and locked himself in the bathroom in the room you shared. He finally showed the sadness he was feeling to the walls of the cold room and started to cry. He tried to cry silently, stifling some of the sobs that came out of his mouth with his hand. His legs gave out and he slid down the wall until he was in a crouch. Kakashi started to feel his chest get tight and he forgot how to breathe. He tried to scream and no sound came out.

No, not now.

He couldn't have a anxiety attack right now, locked in the bathroom. And he didn't want you to have to come to his rescue, you didn't need another problem to deal with. He forced himself to be calm and managed to breathe again, fast, but breathing. Her body begged for the air it was deprived of for a few seconds. He quickly unlocked the door and sloppily wiped away a few tears. He was going to come down to find you, he wasn't going to be able to be alone this time. He has dealt with many losses in his life, and in all of them he has suffered alone. But now he wanted his family.

He was going to go downstairs again, but he stopped abruptly in front of Kenji's open bedroom door. He saw you sitting on the floor watching the boy play. You should have put Katsuo to rest. You noticed his presence at the entrance to the bedroom and when you saw your husband's red eyes you somehow knew what had happened. You've caught Kakashi crying a few times, but he's never let you see much beyond a few tears. He always isolated himself when he was sad.

You got up and let your child play. When you entered the hallway, you carefully closed the door and immediately hugged Kakashi. He dropped his head onto your shoulders as you both cried. Your tears and his fell together in sync. Both grieving the loss of their son.

"I'm sorry" you said to him softly.

"No. It's not your fault." He lifted his head to look you in the eyes. Kakashi cupped his cheeks, wiping away the tears with his thumbs.

"We'll get over this, won't we?" You asked with hope contained in the words.

"We will." He leaned his forehead against yours as he closed his eyes. "You need to sleep."

You nodded, knowing he was right. "I love you so much" you declared giving him another hug, this time more intense, tighter. Kakashi kissed you on the side of your cheek, and you understood that this was his way of saying he loved you back.

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