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enmi-land · 5 months

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ONE OF THE GIRLS

📄 ◜ if mila and the boys never confessed their feelings to each other earlier.

ʬʬʬ. 2023 ( AU ) pairing. poly!ot7엔하 x (f)oc!member (ft. male!oc) req. enha seeing mila with someone who isn’t them cw. sexual themes (non-explicit), alcohol, unhealthy coping mechanisms, miscommunication/misunderstandings

BACK to LIBRARY ?! wc. 9.3k notes. i'm sorry for the rushed ending but it was difficult to end it in a way that wasn't yknow sad and it was getting too long TT [ extra. bonus scene for hwang sejun found here ]

MILA WAS SEVENTEEN WHEN SHE FIRST FELL IN LOVE. She was too young to know what it was, too inexperienced to do anything about it, but if there was anything she was certain of, it was that the warmth that filled her chest and the fluttering of her heart when she so much as looked at them could never be anything less than pure longing.

She was twenty when she finally realised she already knew what love was. And that was a problem. Because, you see, falling in love was normal; falling in love with seven men at the same time, however, was anything but.

Why do you do this to yourself? She thought miserably as she opened yet another compilation full of analysis on the interactions between her and her members – or rather, between her and the boys, specifically.

She recognised the clip playing on her phone. It was during an EN-O’Clock episode and featured the group laughing and having fun together as they played games arranged by the directors. It would seem like a harmless and wholesome moment shared by the group, if it weren’t for the fact that upon slowing it down and zooming in, one would be able to spot the exact moment where Heeseung raised his hand to pat the top of her head – only for his smile to suddenly dropped as he retreated, covering up his momentary slip-up by reaching to fix the hair of Riki who stood on Mila’s other side.

Then there was the painfully awkward moment during a livestream, where Mila was in the middle of Jake and Jay, laughing at something that Sunoo said. Jake was reading comments – trying to, anyway – when he suddenly froze, as if caught in the trance.

He stared at his phone in silence, missing the question that Kiara had asked the members. It was at that moment when Mila turned to look at him, silently questioning his distracted state, her leg brushing against his in the process. But the moment she did so, Jake flinched, as if caught doing something he shouldn’t have. He immediately shut his phone off, before moving his legs closer together so that their thighs were no longer touching.

It hurt. It hurt seeing just how hesitant they were around her, how cautious they were to avoid anything that could be read as intimate. Even more so when it got to the point where fans were taking notice of how distant they were compared to when they showered her with attention and affection during the early days of their career.

Mila shut her phone down, slamming it down next to her empty glass. “I’ll have one more,” she called out to the bartender across the bar, watching as he filled her glass to the top. In the dim lighting of the private bar, hidden away from the public eye, Mila closed her eyes and tilted her head back, letting the burn of the alcohol as it trickled down her throat.

She hated vodka, but it was the only thing strong enough to force down the bitterness of her lingering regrets. Mila slammed the empty glass back down onto the bench. I should have never said anything.

“You had something to tell me?”

Kiara had pulled Mila aside to their shared bedroom, a look of concern on the older woman’s face as she took in the fidgety gaze of Mila who stood before her. She only ever fiddled with her sleeves like that when she was nervous. By now, Kiara could read her like a book — and that made Mila feel both seen and exposed.

Mila swallowed nervously. She knew she could tell Kiara anything, and that the older female would never hold it against her. She played a role that Mila’s own mother had sometimes failed to do as she was growing up — the role of the confidant and counsel. Mila knew she could trust her with anything.

So why was she hesitating now?

Mila bit her lip. “I realised lately that I’ve been feeling… well I kind of have romantic feelings. But the thing is… “Well, my feelings aren’t really conventional. I’m scared that they’re going to make the others feel…”

Uncomfortable. Bothered. Disgusted.

“Well, okay, that’s fine. We can talk through it. You said that you like someone?” Kiara made a gesture with her hands. “That’s fine. I know that you don’t have much experience in this stuff, but that’s why I tell you I’m here if you need an ear. So what’s wrong?”

Mila took in a deep breath. “Well that’s just the thing— it’s not a ‘someone… it’s ‘someones,’ as in plural.”

Kiara was stunned into silence, her lips parting into a soundless gasp.

Mila lowered her head. “I like— Actually… ‘love’ might be the better word for it; I somehow fell in love. And I know it’s… weird— but I can’t help it. No matter what I do, whenever I try and focus on just one of them at a time, it’s like the others find a way to make themselves known.”

“All of them?”

It didn’t take long for Kiara to guess who had stolen Mila’s heart. For three years she had noticed a dynamic growing between Mila and the boys that differed from that between the seven of them and Kiara. But she never could have expected this outcome. (And yet, at the same time, it all made sense.)

Mila nodded. “Eung… I love them all…”

Kiara opened her mouth to say something but was interrupted by the sound of something by the door that sounded like something being knocked over and hitting the floor. The two women exchanged glances at each other, before the elder hurriedly rushed to the door. Kiara threw it open. There, standing on the other side, were the men in question… all seven of them.

And judging by the looks on their faces, they had heard everything.

“Not a good night tonight?”

Mila raised her head from the cool surface of the bar, eyes lifting towards a familiar face. His handsome features were done justice by the sensual lighting of the bar, the shadows casted in such a way that his sharp contours of his face became all the more prominent. The sultry smile on his lips would have had the knees of any woman buckling under their weight. His silk black shirt was unbuttoned to give a sneak peek of his toned chest, tantalising like the honey which the colour of his skin resembled.

Mila sighed as she straightened in her seat. She moved her handbag from the chair next to her, wordlessly allowing the man to take a seat on it. “Was it that obvious?”

He chuckled, shaking his head in fond exasperation. He hummed deeply. Long and slender fingers all too familiar to Mila reached out to her, brushing strands from her face. She felt the cool touch of silver rings around his fingers as his hand cupped her cheek, raising her head to look him in the eye.

“You can’t hide anything in those pretty eyes of yours, doll,” he replied. He smirked as his thumb brushed against her lip. “I know you better than anyone here.”

And wasn’t that the truth?

It was difficult to believe that there could be someone out there who knew so much about her within the span of two months. Among her own group members, she struggled to open up to them about basic feelings until a year after their debut — even those such as Sunghoon, Heeseung and Jay, who she knew years before I-Land. Normally, she was a lot more guarded around strangers.

But Hwang Sejun was no ordinary stranger.

Mila didn’t mean to seek him out, to cross the line with him. But the night they met was the same night Mila had her heart broken — and just like now, she was looking for a way to forget. That was why she didn’t flinch, didn’t pull away when his lips came down to hers in a teasing brush of a kiss.

Mila lowered her head from where she sat on the couch, surrounded by her group members.

“Is it true?” Jay whispered almost inaudibly as he sat on a chair at the kitchen table, watching the young woman with an unreadable look in his eyes. “What you said to Noona not long ago… Did you really mean it?”

Mila nodded. Heeseung sighed as he clasped his hands together, the dim lighting of the living room casting a show over his troubled expression.

And why wouldn’t he be? Mila didn’t know what he was thinking, but if the girl she had practically treated as a younger sister all these years took every act of kindness to be something more than platonic and even go as far as to profess her love for them, her world would tilt off axis too. Not to mention the fact that his six other members—friends—were on the list, too.

It was stupid of Mila to hope that there may be a chance for her to get a happy ending, with not one, but seven men. Maybe, a dark part of her whispered, maybe those ‘haters’ of hers were right after all. She could see the label plastering itself across her forehead: ‘Whore.’ In capital red letters.

“This isn’t something that will change our dynamic, will it?” their leader asked, after a painfully long silence. “It’s too sudden… I think we need to take a break to think for ourselves before we move forward with anything.”

It was the logical thing to do. Mila agreed. So did the others. But it felt like she was struggling more than they would—because, really, she cared more for them than they ever would. And as she found herself vsitting alone in the Hybe building, refusing to step foot before any of her members out of sheer embarrassment, that was when he found her.

The first time Mila met him, Sejun had crouched down in front of her, tilting his head at her puffy eyes and tear-stained cheeks.

“Not a good night tonight?”

Mila could feel the way Sejun’s eyes trailed the column of her throat, felt the way his long fingers brushed against the skin as if wanting to wrap them around her throat like he had done however many nights ago. Mila looked up at him, eyes glassy and lips parted.

“What are you going to do about it?” she asked quietly, leaning towards him.

Sejun let out a breathy chuckle. “I’ll make it better.”

And he would. He always did.

Sejun was no good for her. He went through women almost as fast as he smoked cigarettes; he partied hard, and fucked even harder. He couldn’t be vulnerable, couldn’t be gentle, couldn’t love Mila the way wanted to be loved… He was exactly the type of man she was always warned to stay away from.

But he was here. And even if it wasn’t any coincidence that he was always here when she wanted to be held, she fell into his arms anyway.

Sejun moved his hand to the back of her neck, pressing his lips against her hairline in a soft kiss. “Come on, princess,” he mumbled against her skin, and Mila tried not to think of the fact that Sunghoon used to call her the exact same thing. “Let’s get you out of here.”

Mila didn’t protest, following the older man as he led her by the wrist.

(As the saying went: if you want to get over someone, get under someone else.)

“Won’t your members be worried if you’re out this late?” Sejun tilted his head as he sat down next to the crying girl. “It’s not exactly safe for a pretty girl like you to be alone. There could be bad men around who will want to take advantage of you.”

Mila sniffled, hugging her knees closer to her chest. She looked like a corner animal, hiding away from a prowling tiger, eyes looking warily at the man beside her. She knew of him—how could she not? He was the man every woman wanted to be with, and every man wanted to be. But she had only encountered him once before. She was walking around with Heeseung in the Hybe building when they bumped into Sejun, the older man greeting Heeseung familiarly.

‘Ah, Heeseung-ah, long time no see!’ he said with a smirk, crossing his arms over his chest. ‘Yah… Look at you, all grown up. Last time I saw you, was…. What? Before I-Land? You’ve gotten tall!’

Heeseung bowed to him and forced a smile. ‘Thank you, sunbae. It’s nice to see you,’

‘Aye, what’s with that tone? You should just call me hyung, like you used to.’ Sejun chuckled and clapped the younger man on the shoulder, eyes glinting with amusement when the younger eyed the hand with an unreadable look. But then Sejun’s eyes drifted over to Mila, who hid behind Heeseung, fingers grasping at his sleeve, and wide doe eyes peering over his shoulders curiously. ‘Oh– this must be your dongsaeng, right? Mila? I hear a lot about you.’ He leaned down to Mila’s height and smiled. ‘You’re even cuter in real life… like a bunny.’

Heeseung suddenly stiffened up, before stepping in front of Mila protectively, a stony look on his face. ‘Sorry, sunbae, but we have somewhere to be. Hope you have a good day.’ Heeseung gave a half-hearted nod of his head before quickly ushering Mila way with an arm around her shoulder. When they were out of earshot, he leaned down to whisper into her ear, ‘Be careful of him,’ he had told her. ‘If he comes up to you when you’re alone, let me or the others know, okay?’

Mila looked over her shoulder towards the actor one more time, to see him watching them leave, a sly smile on his face, his hands in the pockets of his pants. He shot her a wink, and Mila hastily looked away. As the good dongsaeng she was, eager to please, she had nodded obediently, not even questioning Heeseung’s warnings. It was just him being protective, she concluded. And she didn’t have any plans of disobeying him in the past.

But… he wasn’t here right now, was he? And she didn’t think she wanted to call him after what happened earlier tonight.

“What about you?” Mila asked. “Are you one of those bad men you mentioned?”

Sejun let out a hearty laugh, not offended in the slightest from Mila’s accusation. “Is that what your ‘Heeseungie-oppa’ told you?”

Mila almost shook her head, almost admitted that, no, he hadn’t told her anything of the sort—hadn’t even mentioned him ever since they first bumped into each other. But she didn’t get the chance before Sejun was leaning down so his face was only a few centimetres away from hers. A wolfish smile crossed his face.

“That’s right. So you should be careful, little bunny. Or else, I might gobble you up.’

Sejun playfully gnashed his teeth in a biting motion, causing Mila to blink at him dumbfoundedly. Seeing her expression, he laughed. And all of a sudden, Mila wasn’t so sad anymore. She was curious, instead. She wanted to know more about this man who she had been told to stay away from.

There was no need to fear playing with fire when she was already burnt.

Ignoring his feelings was the hardest thing that Sunoo could ever be asked to do. He was an idol, playing a part was what they did. But it was difficult to keep up the act when he had to watch the woman he loved grow further and further away.

“You look nice.”

Sunoo snapped out of his thoughts to see Riki standing against the doorframe to the bathroom, his arms across his chest. As he walked closer, he realised why. The younger male was watching as Mila applied makeup in the mirror, wearing her favourite black and white dress from Dior with a pearl choker. She smiled at Riki through the reflection, a soft thank you escaping her glossy lips.

“What’s the occasion?” Riki tilted his head, long locks falling over his forehead before he pushed them back. “Are you going out?”

Mila hummed. “Just to see a friend.”

“He’s right. You look pretty.” Mila smiled. Sunoo looked her up and down, foxy eyes gleaming with interest. “But you usually don’t go anywhere fancy with the girls…”

Mila and her friends were the type to enjoy cute cafes and shopping dates at the mall, just anything that gave them a sense of normalcy. They were too carefree to be interested in anything to do with high society or flaunting wealth, yet Mila stood here looking ready to walk the red carpet.

“It’s a different friend,” Mila replied. “We’re meeting at the company and then going to dinner at a new Italian restaurant.”

“Oh.” Sunoo nodded. “Do we know them?”

Mila cleared her throat. “Um, well, kind of? You know of them, but you haven’t met…”

Sunoo and Riki nodded in understanding. So it was another idol, then? Shrugging his shoulders, Riki leaned off from the doorframe, stuffing his hands into the pockets of his hoodie. “Are you done yet? I wanted to go for a walk, so I’ll drop you off along the way.”

“Ooh, I’ll come too!” Sunoo said. “I need to go by the convenience store anyway.”

Mila blinked. “You don’t have to.’

Sunoo frowned. It wasn’t like Mila said that she didn’t want them to go with her, but he couldn’t help but feel a sense of nostalgia. He remembered when they first debuted, and the three of them had formed a bond stronger than steel. They were the golden trio, the three msuketeers; the sun, stars, and moon…

That was why it was so easy to nice that the three of them had drifted apart. They used to watch and mock popular dramas together and hide under the blankets of Mila’s bed while hiding snacks that they brought without the manager’s permission. But now it was like a wall was between them, one that Sunoo and Riki couldn’t climb, because Mila had refused to even give them a ladder.

And what was worse was that Sunoo couldn’t even complain about it. Because he was part of the reason it happened.

Jay paced in the living room, where the seven male members had gathered following the events of Mila’s unwilling confession. They sat there in silence, unable to say anything after they had rejected her, and she left the dorms in need of space.

“So are we just going to ignore what happened?” Riki asked. “Mila just admitted that she liked all of us. Doesn’t that mean anything?”

Heeseung sighed. “Riki-yah, not now please.”

“Then when?” Sunoo crossed his arms over his chest. “Isn’t now the perfect time?”

Sunoo couldn’t remember the first time he realised his feelings for Mila. It just felt so natural, that it didn’t even strike him as a surprise. And somehow, the same feeling applied when he learnt that his other members felt the same way towards her.

It felt like Mila was the only one who didn’t realise the true extent of their feelings for her. The way they would do anything and everything in the world if he asked, not because she was their precious co-member, or because they felt obligated by duty to coddle her since she was the youngest female of the group, but because they loved her wholeheartedly and wanted nothing more than to the the ones to cherish and protect her.

But the love that they had for each other was strong as well. They were friends, who had survived through the highs and lows of I-land together and continue to grow closer after they debuted. They weren’t the type to fall into competition or conflict with each other if they knew it would hurt the other, whether it was for Mila or anyone else.

They were willing to put aside all their feelings for the sake of the group. They were willing to hold their own remorse if the day ever came where Mila would develop feelings for one of them. But they never would have expected this outcome.

“It was too sudden,” Jungwon said grimly. “We never planned this, and it wouldn’t be good to jump into something without being sure.”

“What would we even do?” Sunghoon asked. “Even though she feels the same way, what happens next? We can’t all date her.”

Jake licked his lips in thought. “Can’t we? It’s not like it’s not a new thing. If we’re okay with it, it can’t be considered cheating. So why not give it a shot?”

“You mean a polyamorous relationship?” Jay took a seat next to Sunghoon, who bit the inside of his cheek at the thought. “No shame or whatever, I know it’s something that exists…. But there’s seven of us. And I know some of us aren’t really the type to ‘share.’”

Jay didn’t mention it, but he himself was included. He knew Sunghoon and Jungwon were as well. They were too jealous, too possessive to even entertain the thought. Even now, fans would pick up all the instances where the three of them would grow tense whenever one of their own members got too close and comfortable with Mila—much less any male idol that wasn’t part of the group.

If that was how they were now, they couldn’t even imagine how they would make Jake’s suggestion work.

“No,” Heeseung refused strongly. He would do anything just to be able to call Mila his. But the risk involved with this was too right. “If we decide after getting together that it’s not going to work, we’d just hurt Mila by giving her hopes and crushing them again. We can’t.”

Sunoo laughed humorlessly. “I’m not sure if you noticed, hyung, but she is already hurt as it is.”

Heeseung froze, his posture rigid.

The room was silent.

There was nothing they wanted more than to be able for in out of here and comfort her, because after what happened tonight, they had already broken a promise that they had made to the closer thing she had to an older brother in her life— her older cousin, who they met once when he flew over from China as soon as the borders opened. The one who had been the only strong male figure in her life after her parents divorced and her grandfather passed away.

‘I’ve seen how you look at her,’ he had said. ‘And to be honest, I don’t know what to feel about it… But I can tell you really care about her. So I’m trusting her to you. I won’t give you the shovel talk or anything, because she’s old enough to make her own decisions. Just, whatever happens… Don’t make her cry.’

“This is for the best,” Heeseung said, clenching his fist. “This way, no one gets hurt worse than they already are.”

Heeseung was wrong, Riki thought as he stood in the company lobby with Sunoo and Mila. Because after finding out the reason Mila had been so reluctant to let him and Sunoo accompany her, there was nothing that hurt more than this.

They were three steps into the lobby of the company, before Mila was turning to them with a smile. “Well, there is my stop. You guys can head off now and do what you need to do. My friend should be here soon.”

Riki frowned. “We should at least wait with you until they’re here.”

“It’s not good to be alone, even if it’s in the company building,” Sunoo agreed. “There’s still weird people who can get in here and go after you when you don’t expect it.”

Mila opened her mouth to protest. But before she could, someone else cut in before her. “They’re right, you know.”

Mila froze at the voice. Riki and Sunoo looked confused at the new arrival, but bowed in respect for their senior. “Hello, sunbaenim.”

Riki recognised his face from a few dramas that he had watched with Mila and Sunoo, but this was the first time seeing him in real life.

Hwang Sejun laughed, putting his hands into the pockets of his pants, his Bulgari watch flashing under the light of the lobby. “No need to be formal. Any friend of Mila’s is a friend of mine.”

Riki and Sunoo turned to Mila, the latter mouthing to her in disbelief. ‘You friend is Hwang Sejun?’

“It’s finally nice to meet you,” Sejun said with a charming grin. “Mila’s told me all about you.”

Mila frowned, nudging Sejun in the ribs. The things she told him about her members were all in drunk rambles, where she spilled her heart to the older man about her hopeless feelings. To his credit, he hadn’t shamed her in the slightest, instead comforting her by mentioning he too had been in a similar position once. (She doubted it was the same type of ‘love’ Mila felt, but she gave him the benefit of the doubt—just as she always did, for the sole fact that he was willing to help her in the only way he knew how.)

“Did she?” Sunoo asked, narrowing his eyes as Sejun’s hand found its way onto Mila’s waist. “She never mentioned anything about you, though.”

“Aww, didn’t you mention me to your members, doll? But we have such a special relationship.”

Mila swatted the man’s hand as he attempted to pinch her cheek. “Don’t say that. They’ll misunderstand.”

Riki bit the inside of his cheek, a pit forming in his gut at the tone and the nickname that Sejun used. He kept his glare on the older male, subconsciously standing to his full height. The two of them were eye to eye. But while Riki was tense, Sejun was relaxed, not the slightest bit intimidated by the younger male.

“What relationship?” Riki asked.

Sejun laughed. “I think Mila should be the one to tell you. Isn’t that right, baby?”

Sunoo took a sharp breath at the endearment, and Mila instantly panicked.

“Don’t listen to him, he’s just joking around. We’re just friends, right, oppa?” Mila forced a smile as she looked at her members. Riki and Sunoo weren’t ready to finish the conversation, but Mila seemed like she wanted nothing more than to end it. So she was grabbing Sejun’s arm in hers (her members’ eyes flickered to the way she held it, like she would usually—or rather, used to—hold theirs) before dragging him away. “I’ll see you later, okay?”

“Wait,” Riki tried to go after the two, but was held back by Sunoo.

“Don’t,” Sunoo said. But his eyes narrowed as he watched Mila drag the man away, not missing the way he quickly leant down to kiss her on the cheek when they turned the corner.

Right, Riki thought, as he watched them with clenched fists.

He wasn’t her boyfriend, and he wasn’t even her senior. He was just another friend to her, who had no right to feel jealous—because he had a chance and missed it.

Mila froze at the door of the dorms, her hand lingering on the door knob. What did she even say? She didn’t think she could be any more humiliated tonight, but coming back to the dorms after rushing out in tears was the second most embarrassing token that could have happened.

She could only hope that the others weren’t still awake yet. But that hope immediately dwindled as soon as the door opened, revealing Heeseung on the other side.

Mila should have known he would wait up for her. But she wished he hadn’t, because it only reminded her of why he loved him so much.

“You’re back?” Heeseung said, his voice fragile.

Mila simply hung her head and brushed past the older man as he held the door open, not wanting to let him see the tear streaks on her face. She clenched her fists, pulling on her sleeve as she shuffled awkwardly into the silent dorms.

“Everyone else is asleep,” Heeseung said.

“Okay.” Mila sniffled. “I’ll head to bed now.”

“Wait.”

Mila froze at the sound of Heeseung’s voice.

“About tonight…” Heeseung took a step forward, but then stopped, as if he were scared of getting too close. At that moment, all Mila could think about was if she just ruined her friendship with her members because she couldn’t keep her feelings to herself.

Heeseung clenched his hand into his fist when Mila turned to face him. All he wanted to do was to work up to her and bring her to his chest. To tell her how much he loved her, to let her know he wanted nothing more than to be hers. But he couldn’t.

“Sorry,” Mila whispered, her eyes stinging with unshed tears. “I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable.”

“It’s not that—” Heesejng had to physically hold himself back from running to her, to tell her that hearing her feelings for him made him the happiest man alive. “It’s just… we can’t love you the way you deserve.”

They weren’t prepared to face the challenges of loving her together.

Mila nodded. “I understand. And I—I really am sorry… I—” Mila let out a shaky breath. “I’m sorry. I’ll just go to bed now. Good night.”

Heeseung felt his heart shatter as Mila turned and walked away from him, shutting herself in her room. The sound of Kiara’s voice was barely heard from the room, and Heeseung was grateful that she was there to comfort Mila when he couldn’t.

In the other rooms, where the five remaining members were still awake, wide awake as they listened to Mila's muffled sobs through the silence of their once vibrant home.

Sunoo sniffled, unable to sleep when his other half was hurting.

“It shouldn’t have to be this way,” he said.

But what else could they do?

“You’re late.”

Mila almost jumped out of her skin when she walked into the Enhypen dorms at four o’clock in the morning, to see one Park Jongseong sitting on the couch, his arms folded across his chest and his eyes red from what Mila would assume was lack of sleep. She paused in the middle of taking off her shoes, looking like a child who got caught with their hand in the cookie jar.

Mila should have expected that this would happen. Jay was always the first one to wake up in the morning aside from Kiara; and it was just her rotten luck that he got up earlier than usual. Or maybe, not a coincidence at all. (She briefly wondered if Sunoo and Riki had reported her meeting with Sejun, after all, and he had been waiting for her to get home from her outing, like the overprotective member he was.)

There was a moment of silence where the two of them continued to stare at each other, a silent question lingering in the air. Where were you?

“I was out with a friend.”

“Until two in the morning?” Jay asked tensely.

Mila pursed her lips. There really was no way she could explain this in a way that would calm the older man’s temper. He was one of the most patient with Mila, and rarely ever raised his voice at her. So people would be surprised to hear that he was second to Kiara when it came to scolding her, like he was now.

(She tried to push down the feeling in her gut that always appeared whenever he was upset with her, because she wanted nothing more than to be the reason he smiled instead.)

“Do you have any idea how worried we were when we saw that you weren’t here?” he continued. “And that you weren’t answering your calls?”

Shit. Mila hadn’t even thought to check her phone, since she had gotten used to being gone unnoticed. She reached for it, opening it to see a number of missed calls from several familiar contacts. And it was then when she realised what Jay said. She furrowed her brows. We?

At that moment, Jungwon walked out of the bathroom, causing Mila to hold her breath. He was wearing his hood over his head and didn’t say anything as he walked towards where she and Jay were. But the look on his face spoke volumes. “I was the one who woke up Jay-hyung,” he said, biting the inside of his cheeks. “I woke up in the middle of the night to get a drink and noticed your light was still on inside your room. So I went to see if you were okay… but then I noticed you weren’t there.”

Mila bit her lip. She had always been so careful, but one mistake was all it took to get caught. “That’s right. Okay. I left without saying anything, and I’m sorry that I didn’t tell you and got you worried. But I just wanted to get out of the dorms for a while.”

“And you couldn’t do that during the day?” Jungwon asked.

“Kiara-unnie goes out during the night as well,” Mila replied. “I don’t see why this is different.”

“Kiara-noona is different because at least we know she’s with people who will take care of her if anything happens. But we don’t know where you were, or who you were with.” Mila opened her mouth to speak, but Jay cut her off. “And don’t use one of your friends as an excuse. We called them too. None of them knew where you were either.”

“Well… I have plenty of friends you don’t know about.” Mila straightened her stance. “And I trust him, so there is no reason for you to worry. Thanks for looking out for me, really, but I’m a grown woman, I don’t need you to do that anymore.”

Jay and Jungwon had flinched slightly, as if those words in particular struck a chord within them. And maybe it did, because Mila had meant to say, ‘I don’t need your overprotectiveness,’ it was dangerously close to sounding like, ‘I don’t need you.’

And she didn’t at the time how much that hurt for them to hear.

Jay stood from his seat as Mila tried to walk away, posture stiff. “Wait—‘him?’”

Mila almost cursed for having accidentally let that slip, only to rebuke her own thoughts. Why did it matter, if she were with a man or a woman, or how long they spent out together?

“That’s right.”

“You can’t just say that and expect us to be okay,” Jay muttered quietly.

“And why not? What’s it to you, if I was with a man, a friend, or a lover?“

There was a sharp inhale from Jay at the last word. A small part of Mila hoped that he would tell her that she didn’t need to find someone else to fill the void left by him and the others. That he was more than happy to take his rightful place in her heart, and allow her to enter his. And she didn’t know, but he felt the same way.

Because I love you, he wanted to say. And I could love you just as much as he could and more.

But he didn’t say a word. He simply clenched his fists, his shoulders tense.

“That’s right. It doesn’t matter. It shouldn't matter. Because we’re friends, and nothing more.”

Mila wasn’t going to stay as the girl with the one sided love—she refused to. She wasn’t going to put everything on hold for a slight chance that the ones she loved might be able to love her back. If this was what it took to move on, then that was what she would do.

Mila started to walk away, but a hand on her wrist stopped her leaving.

She looked up at the owner. “Yang Jungwon—”

“Was it Hwang Sejun?”

Mila felt all the air in her lungs rush out at the sound of Jungwon’s voice. His dark eyes bore into her, and she suddenly was reminded of the fact that he was no longer the young lovesick puppy that would follow her around when they were trainees.

She looked at Jay, and didn’t see any traces of confusion. So Riki and Sunoo told the others about earlier today, after all.

“Right. Sunoo and Ni-Ki told Jungwon, and he told me. But the others still don’t know,” Jay said. “We thought we’d ask you first, to see if it was true.”

“Can he treat you better than we can?” Jungwon asked, snapping Mila out of her thoughts with the weight of his question.

Mila’s throat tightened. No, she wanted to say. No man on Earth could ever treat me better than you do. And no matter who came after me, I would still choose you. But she didn’t want to lay her heart bare to anyone again; she didn’t want to get hurt.

So she lied.

“Yes.” A flash of emotion reflected in Jungwon’s eyes. His fingers loosened their grasp, and Mila shook his hand off. “He can. So next time I’m gone, don’t worry about me. He’ll be able to take care of me just fine if anything happens.” She forced a smile. “And you can forget about what happened with my feelings. I know it put you in a difficult position…. So I promise to get rid of them.”

She didn’t stay to see their reaction, no matter how curious she was. In the end, she knew it was better this way: if they thought she had moved on, maybe they wouldn’t avoid her any more. Maybe, they could all go back to normal.

“Wait, Mila.”

Jay rushed after Mila as she walked towards the door of the dorms with the intention to leave. But something held him back. An invisible string tugging him backwards.

When Mila opened the door, Sejun was standing on the other side, holding up a familiar bag.

Mila froze. Jay and Jungwon were silent. Sejun looked between the three of them, before raising an eyebrow.

“Oh, sorry,” he said. “Did I interrupt something?”

There was once a time when Mila felt like there was no other place she could call home, except wherever it was her members were. But she would be blind not to notice that the home she had been building from the last few years wasn’t crumbling down.

When did she first start to feel so out of place in the one place she thought she truly belonged?

“Good job on today’s filming!”

After bowing to the staff and giving her appreciation for their hard work, Mila found herself standing on the sidelines as she watched her male members interact with the woman in the midst—someone who wasn’t her or Kiara.

They were in the middle of shooting the concept trailer for their new comeback, and rather than using one of the female members as an actress for Sooha, the company hired someone else instead. She was a petty model under the company label, the same age as Mila. And perhaps that was why it stung so much when she watched them fawn over her like they used to do to her.

“Do you need help?” Sunghoon asked.

He held a hand out to the actress as she needed to stand from the snowy blanket that she sunk into when she fell over. The girl smiled charmingly, taking his hand like a princess would do to her prince. It left a bitter taste in Mila’s mouth. Because she recalled when she used to be called their princess, instead.

The actress suddenly slipped, causing the others to act fast. They all held out their hand on reflex to stop her from hurting herself, with Jake’s leaning on her back to help her stabilise her balance.

“Woah,” he laughed, “be careful.”

Mila couldn’t remember the last time they were so carefree around her. It felt like they were constantly drawing a line—one so thick they couldn’t even smile at her before they stepped back.

But there she was, watching them laugh with another girl without a care in the world.

“Come on,” Kiara said, breaking her out of her thoughts. “The director wants us.”

Mila frowned. It took her too long to rip her eyes from the sight, but even when she did, she could still see their wide smiles like they were tattooed in her head—smiles no longer aimed towards her.

“What do you usually do when you’re sad?” Mila asked Sejun that night. “Or when something really shitfy happens to you at work?”

Sejun hummed thoughtfully. “I drink… or I fuck. One or the other—sometimes even both.”

Mila scoffed. But even so, she found herself looking at the older man with a glint of curiosity. “Does it work?”

Sejun shrugged. “Sometimes.”

Mila asked again. “Would it work for me?”

Jake hated waking up early in the morning. But if there was one thing he hated more, it was the sight of the stranger standing in the middle of the living room—a man who he had never met before, but who Mila was very familiar with.

“Who are you?” he asked.

Mila looked at him, and he felt his heart squeeze when she bit her lip and looked away, tugging at the stranger’s sleeve. It was just another reminder that he was no longer someone she looked to when she wanted to smile. A reminder that they no longer had those ‘friendly’ dates where he would take her out to dinner, and she would peck him on the cheek as thanks.

“He was just leaving.” Mila pulled on the man’s sleeve again. “Thanks for dropping off my bag. You can go now.”

Jake narrowed his eyes in suspicion. Why would he have her bag?

“Why so quick to make me leave? I haven’t even introduced myself yet.” The man smiled, and Jake had to admit he was good-looking—which was yet another reason why he felt a prick of envy, and a tiny bit of insecurity. “I’m Hwang Sejun, nice to meet you.”

The man held out a hand to shake Jake’s. For a second, he felt that this ‘Sejun’ looked incredibly familiar. And that was when it hit—he was an actor in one of the dramas Mila had shown him a preview of, back before they got into this weird state of limbo.

Jake took his hand. “I’m Jake.”

Sejun smirked. “I know.”

Mila’s eyes flickered to Sejun and sighed. “Really, now’s not a good time. It’s way too early, and I want to get some sleep.”

“Right.” Sejun smiled at Mila charmingly. “I kept you up pretty late last night, didn’t I?”

Jake’s hand subconsciously tightened around Sejun’s hand. What was that supposed to mean?

It wasn’t that Jake was innocent or naive. He had his fair share of girlfriends and kisses, and a few nights where he woke up hot and bothered. He also knew of the reputation that Sejun had. And it bothered him more than it should—-especially when he wasn’t even her boyfriend.

“Thanks for dropping off our Mila’s things, but it’s not a good time for us.” Jay sounded very calm, unlike what he was probably feeling inside. “Do you mind dropping by at another time?”

Or not at all, went unsaid.

“Ah, sorry. I just thought I should meet you guys first.” Sejun smirked at the way Jungwon bit the inside of his cheek. He pried his hand from Jake’s tightening grip, before shaking his hand nonchalantly. He faced Jungwon. “You’re the leader, right? Ah… but I should probably introduce myself to your oldest first. Where’s Heeseung?”

Mila glared, and Jake felt a tiny bit of satisfaction. “Heeseungie-oppa is asleep. Don’t bother him.”

Sejun didn’t get to speak when a new voice entered the conversation.

“Why do you want to know?” Sunghoon walked into the living room, arms crossed over his chest as he sized up the new face in their dorms. “And what are you doing inside our home?”

Riki and Sunoo—likely having heard the commotion—followed closely after Sunghoon. Jake noticed a light of recognition, and wondered if they knew what the relationships between Mila and Sejun was.

To his credit, Sejun didn’t seem at all intimidated by the five men around him. “Well, I figured I should get along with you guys, considering my relationship with ‘your’ Mila.”

‘Your Mila.’ It sounded like a taunt, and from the cocky tilt of his lips, Sejun definitely meant it as one. Jake would admit that it got to him, too, because it wasn’t true. Mila wasn’t his—wasn’t any of theirs—and neither were they hers.

And nothing scared him more than the fact that he could lose her forever.

The room was tense. Sunghoon squared his shoulders as he glared at the older. “What do you mean by that?” His eyes then fell on Mila, who looked like she would rather be anywhere but here.

“What's he to you?”

Mila looked annoyed, her usually gentle features fixed in a scowl. “None of your business.”

Sunghoon obviously didn’t like her answer, considering the way he tensed his jaw, fist clenching and unclenching in his nervous tick. But Mila couldn’t care less.

Who was he—who were they—to demand who Sejun was to her? Who were they to seem so affronted by the fact that she could possibly be in a relationship with another man? They made it clear already that they didn’t intend to return her feelings, and that even a friendship with her was hard to maintain with the way they avoided all contact with her like she had the plague.

Mila was getting sick of all this male ego and testosterone. Sejun didn’t help her with his smug expression and his arm over her shoulder.

“Ah,” he said. “Well, it looks like you have something to sort out between you… So I’m just going to go ahead and leave.” He smiled down at Mila. “See you later, okay, princess?”

Sunghoon glared as Sejun leaned down to peck her cheek. Mila rolled her eyes, shrugging off his arm from her shoulder. It was just like him to try and rile up the others for his own entertainment. And she would have given him a firm rebuke if it weren’t for the fact that she was upset with them too.

“We won’t see you out,” Sunoo said.

Sejun laughed. “Thought so.”

Mila didn’t wait for the door to shut before she was already marching to her room, ignoring the way Sunghoon followed hot on her heels until he slipped between her and the door, barring her entry.

“What the hell is wrong with you?” Mila asked with a shaky voice.

Sunghoon could go on and on about what was wrong with him. It drove him crazy every day that he wasn’t able to hold her the way he wanted to, that he couldn’t wake up to his face as she lay in his arms; or that he wasn’t able to kiss her until both their lips were swollen, that he wasn’t able to whisper ‘I love you’s into her ears before they fell asleep at night…

The thought that someone else might be able to do those things–to shower her with affection and attention–was enough to send him over the brink of sanity. Loving her seemed to be the only thing that was right; but he still managed to mess that up because he couldn’t stand the fact that he wasn’t the only one in her heart.

He couldn’t say that, though. He couldn’t express everything he felt so simply. So all he could manage to say was, “Do you love him?”

Mila had enough. God, she hated that she was so emotional. But this was just too unfair.

It was fine that they didn’t love her; it was fine that they couldn’t accept her feelings for them. But why did they have to act so jealous? It frustrated her. Because it made her heart hope that there was a chance that they could feel the same way for her that she did.

But that couldn’t be true. It just couldn’t. Or they wouldn’t be here to begin with.

“You– seriously what is wrong with all of you…?” Mila took in a deep breath, before turning to the rest of the men, who were still in the living room. She let go. “No, I don’t love him. And no, he’s not my boyfriend.” Relief crossed their faces, but she wasn’t done with them yet. “He’s just someone I’ve been sleeping with whenever I feel alone or miserable, because I couldn’t get over my stupid feelings for you!”

Mila heard a small gasp, but she didn’t know who it was from. Her eyes were too blurry with tears to see.

“Do you have any idea how crappy it feels? All I want to do is forget about my feelings so that we can all go back to how we were—but all you do is give me mixed signals that mess with my head!”

Mila swallowed the lump in her throat.

“Why are you acting like it hurts all of a sudden if I’m with someone else? You have no idea what it’s like to love someone who doesn’t even look your way. You have no idea what I feel whenever you ignore me, but smile at other girls like everything is okay. And—and I’m sick of chasing after you like some lovesick idiot because I can’t move on because—”

Mila never got to finish what she was saying, because the next thing she knew, she was being spun around, and Sunghoon’s hands found their way onto her cheeks, before pressing his lips firmly against hers. Her eyes widened at the feeling of his desperate kiss, her ability to breathe complete stolen from her. But a swarm of butterflies erupted in her stomach, flying their way into the chambers of her chest, where they settled among her widely racing heart.

Her legs grew weak, and she almost fell to her knees as Sunghoon pulled back, his dark eyes gazing into hers.

“What are you doing?” she whispered.

“Something I should have done a long time ago,” Sunghoon replied.

“But you—” Mila swallowed. “You don’t… I thought you didn’t…”

The dorm was quiet. And for a second, it felt like no one had the words to say. But right then, all of a sudden, they heard the voice of the eldest coming from down the hallway. Mila looked at Heeseung, whose eyes held a mixture of longing and regret as he walked up to Mila.

“I’m sorry,” he said. “This was my fault.” He looked at the others. “I said we shouldn’t get too close to you, because we didn’t want you to get hurt… and because we didn’t even know what to do with our own feelings.”

Mila shook her head, clearly still dazed from the kiss. “No. That’s not… I don’t need you to apologise. I just—I just needed to vent.” She wiped her cheeks and sniffled, stepping away from Sunghoon. “I don’t– I’m going to my room. I don’t know what’s happening, or why you’re telling me this all of a sudden, so...”

“No.” Sunoo stepped forward. “Don’t go yet. Just… hear us out for a second.”

Mila looked reluctant, so Heeseung continued. “The thing is, we do love you. More than you know. But it wasn’t until you confessed that we were actually realising that there was a chance that we could actually be with you.”

Mila let out a shaky breath. “That can’t be…”

“It’s true.” Jungwon was the one to speak. “We actually talked about it when you left the room that night… We were trying to decide what to do—because all of us liked you for a while now, but none of us expected that you would like all seven of us back.”

Mila couldn’t believe what she was hearing right now. She had gone for so long wondering what it would take to get them to love her in return, or for her to fall out of love with them. She had gone so long wallowing in her own self-pity and doubt, that she didn’t even know the extent of what was happening within the hearts of the others.

She assumed she had rightfully been rejected because they had seen her more of a sister than a lover, or because they were disturbed by the fact that she could love more than one person at a time. It didn’t occur to her that there might be something more behind it.

Her throat felt dry, and she couldn’t find words to say.

“We agreed that we would all lay off and let you choose,” Jay said. “But then we found out how you felt, and then we all disagreed about what to do next. So…”

“So I said that we would just lay off entirely, so that no one would get hurt.” Heeseung looked down at Mila’s wide eyes. “But it hurt–a lot. It hurt because we finally knew that we had a chance… and we decided not to take it.”

“So why now?” Mila asked breathily. “Why not tell me this earlier?”

“That was partially my fault,” Jay said.

“And mine.” Mila turned around to face Sunghoon, whose face had softened considerably—with that same look in his eyes he would always have around her, before everything went up in flames.

“We had a chance to save all of us the trouble, and to just court you together–as a group.”

Mila let in a sharp breath at the thought, an annoying flutter of both hope and wonder filling her chest. Was that even possible? She had thought about it, had dreamt of it many times… But it was different hearing it said aloud.

“But some of us were a bit selfish and didn’t want to go through with it. Until we realised that it would be better to do that, than to see you with someone else.”

Jake rubbed the back of his neck. “It’s really selfish, we know.”

Mila shook her head. “I know about being selfish… but you guys never were. Before… what happened, there wasn’t anything you didn’t do to make me happy, and I–I got jealous even at the thought of you doing the same to someone else.”

Mila didn’t see the way their eyes softened when she admitted it, because they would know all about the sort of longing and pining that came from seeing the person they loved drift further from them.

“You’re not selfish,” she whispered. “I was—am the selfish one. Because I could never just love one of you… It was always all or nothing for me. And I don’t blame you for not feeling comfortable with the idea, because you deserve someone who will treat you like you’re the only one for them, just like you deserve.”

“Don’t say that.” Riki frowned, reaching up to wipe the stray tear that ran down her cheek.

“Please tell me that this is not a dream.” Mila’s eyes shone as they looked up at his. “I don’t want to wake up if it is.”

The boys laughed.

“It’s not a dream, byeol-ah.” Sunoo squeezed her hand beside her. “We’re telling you the truth. We really do love you. And we’re sorry for not saying it sooner.”

“But if you’d let us,” Jungwon continued, “we really want to try and make it work.”

There was a look of understanding between the seven of them, and Mila didn’t know if there was even a second left for her to doubt. But there were so many things she would have to handle: her relationship with Sejun, the idea of having seven boyfriends, the reaction from others… And she was unsure of how she would deal with them when the time came—if she agreed to what they were asking.

All she knew was that she wanted to be theirs. Maybe, just maybe, they could make it work.

TAGLIST @em1ejiee @menichoi @dracoslovergirl @rosas-in-the-garden @blossominghunnie @lovelypham @cornenhapovs @nee-issaire @jwnstars

#◌ 🌸 ˴ milana bai . ˚◞ ★̶̲ ꒱#enhypen addition #enhypen oc #enhypen x oc #enhypen poly #enhypen 8th member #enhypen added member #enhypen additional member #enhypen au #enhypen extra member #enhypen fem oc #enhypen female member #enhypen female addition #enhypen x female oc

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ghostofwriting · 6 months

Text

Kildare Split Part Three: Bleach

Rafe Cameron x Reader

Chapter 3: Bleach

Note: Hi! I love you all so much, thank you for reading and being absolutely wonderful. Here is Chapter Three, it covers the smau basically up until Rafe blocks Topper. Still no answers on that 💋

Warnings: none, not edited, angst, swearing, sadness, julio.

Word Count: 5,343

Synopsis: Everyone has noticed that there's been a shift in how Kildare Split acts around each other. Rafe and Y/N used to be so close, they were always pictured together, and always shared stories of each other and for the last few years, there has been nothing from them. A behind-the-scenes look at what went down between everyone's favourite band.

Chapter Three: Bleach

That didn’t go how he planned it. He hurt her inconceivable amounts and it’s not going to be easy to get her to forgive him. He needs to work for it, he knows that. Hearing her say that she meant nothing to him when she meant the world to him hurts more than he could have ever imagined. He’s so mad at himself for ever saying those same things to her. He doesn’t deserve her. He knows that too. He’s always been selfish when it comes to her though, he needs her back. He needs to figure out how to talk to her first.

“Let me get this straight, you told her to listen to your album for what?”

“To understand what I’m feeling.”

“Rafe, the girl doesn’t need to understand what you’re feeling, she needs you to apologize to her.” His dad’s voice comes through the speaker. He was getting ready for bed when Ward called.

“The album is like an apology.” He tells his dad like it’s obvious.

“Unless you have a song in that thing that says ‘Y/N I’m sorry,’ for 3 minutes straight, she’s not going to hear it as an apology. She’s going to take it as an excuse.”

“I’m just so ashamed, I don’t know how to approach it.” he stares at the phone screen, a picture of his dad and Wheezie stares back at him.

“I miss you, dad.”

“I miss you too, son. You’ll be home soon and we’ll go golfing, how about that?” Rafe smiles softly.

His relationship with his dad hasn't always been this good. When he chose music over a ‘real’ career, his dad almost disowned him. Y/N had been the one to talk Ward out of it. Giving him a plan that if they didn’t make it in two years, she would drag him back by his ear and make him take over the company. They had to work their asses off but it happened, and Ward had accepted it. It had been a long road, they spent a lot of time not speaking to each other, communicating through Sarah. Ward hadn’t been to a single show before their first album was released. He remembers seeing Ward walk in next to Sarah and feeling his five-year-old self again, prepared to put on the best show for his dad to finally be proud of him. And he was, at the end of the night he hugged Rafe and told him everything he had ever wanted to hear from him. That he was proud of everything he had accomplished, that he was meant to perform, and that he loved him.

And he owed it all to her. It always goes back to her.

“That sounds great, Dad.”

“Have you talked to Sofia about this, you know girls, she might have some insight you don’t.”

“I don’t think Sofia’s up to giving me advice about Y/N.

“Rafe, this is only to get her back as your friend, correct? You and Sof are good?” Ward asks, concern lacing his voice.

“Yeah, of course. Sof and I are great.” Denial. Always in denial, Rafe Cameron.

“Okay well, I wish you luck with all of that. Get some rest. I’ll be out in a couple of weeks.”

“Bye Dad, love you,” Ward tells him he loves him too and hangs up.

+++

Kiara of all people tells her to listen to his album. As if everyone else who’s telling her isn’t enough.

“Hold on, I thought I got you in the divorce?” Kie laughs at her joke.

“You did, but I think you should listen to what he has to say.”

“Kie, he hasn’t even apologized in person, why should I?” She’s playing with the thread that’s hanging off of the comforter.

“Because he’s always been better at explaining himself in song.” She says matter of factly.

“This is unbelievable.” Kie groans on the other side of the phone.

“Look, he’s a piece of shit and he was horrible to you. I know that, but god can he write.”

“I know he can. I work with him.”

“Y/N.”

“Kie.” She mocks

“Just listen.” She’s shaking her head and rolling her eyes, glad that Kie can’t see her.

“Okay, whatever, I don't want to talk about this anymore. What happened between you and jayj?”

“Ha! Nope.” She whines, wanting to know the drama between her two friends.

Sarah walks in with Penny in her arms. They had gone for a walk, Y/N citing vocal rest to skip going out in the rain.

“Vocal rest but you’re talking on the phone?” Sarah calls her out.

“My baby!” Sarah drops the small dog on the hotel bed, Penny running into Y/N’s arms.

“Thanks, Sarah.” She pouts at her.

“So what are we talking about?”

“Trying to get Y/N to listen to ‘Angel.’” Kie’s voice cuts through the speaker.

“Absolutely no use. She won’t.” Sarah says. She nods along agreeing with Sarah.

It’s not that she can’t listen to the album. She doesn’t want to. Why should she care about whatever he said in the album when he can’t tell her directly? The last time they talked he didn’t say sorry, albeit she didn’t let him say sorry with her whole speech she had been internalizing for three years. Even still, if he had just opened with ‘sorry’ she might have been more inclined to listen to his stupid album. She already knew it was about her, what more could she possibly learn?

So why can’t she get the thought of listening to it out of her head? She’s alone now, her dog next to her, sleeping tucked between her pillow and her neck. Sarah went back to her room a few hours ago and Y/N’s been trying to go to sleep to no avail.

So she plays the stupid album that she told Rafe to shove up his ass.

By the end of the album, she’s angry again. It’s great. Of course, it is. It’s him and he’s amazingly talented. Everything he touches turns to gold and she despises him for it. The chord progressions the tempos, the synths. Everything is amazing. Even the stupid lyrics that she wishes she could hate. How dare he be so talented and make her hate him just a fraction less?

The lyrics bother her. ‘I bought a house to live in but you’re the home I’m missin'?’ His fault. ‘I watched the weeks fly by, I’m not myself when you’re not there.’ His fault. Again. ‘I’m not a sentimental guy, I need you in my life.’ Well Rafe Cameron, why do you think she’s not in your life? It’s like he’s trying to hide the fact that he completely obliterated her heart and is pretending that she just walked out on him.

Fuck you, Rafe. You don’t get to pretend.

+++

She hears Topper in the lobby of the hotel. He’s most likely the first one down here, waiting for the rest of them to wake up so they can take the car to the arena.

She stands off to the side, their manager Ash, handing out their backstage badges. She sees Topper take two from Ash out of the corner of her eye.

He extends the badge out to her for her to take and offers her a smile.

“Thanks.” She tells him.

“I know this is probably a long time coming and not the best place to have this conversation but I’m sorry.” She looks at him eyes wide, she tries to hide her shock, a small frown still visible on her face.

“Thanks.” She says again, not knowing how to respond to him.

“I know I’ve been a shitty friend. I didn’t know how to act when everything went down. I knew about Sofia and I felt like I betrayed you. You were so hurt and I didn’t deserve your friendship. I let you isolate yourself and I’m sorry. I should have done better.”

She feels her eyes welling up. She won’t let herself cry. Not where anyone could see them.

“Yeah, you have been shitty.”

“Is it too late for you to forgive me?” She shakes her head, launching herself into his arms. Strangely it feels like coming home. She is finally hugging her best friend again. The guy who used to want to fight anyone who even looked at her wrong.

“I missed you.” she breathes into his shoulder.

“I missed you too, I’m sorry.” She lets go of him sniffling. She sees unshed tears in his eyes too.

“It’s going to take some time for me to trust you, but I’ll work on it.”

“I will get on my knees, beg, and cry if you need me to.” She laughs

“I’ll let you know.”

As soon as the other two arrive, their badges are given to them and they all walk towards the car. She usually opts for sitting in the front ever since everything happened between them. She thinks that this time she can sit next to Topper.

“Hey, Ash?” She calls for her manager's attention, “Mind if you sit in the front this time?” Ash looks at her surprised but nods her head anyway.

“Of course, go.” She motions for Y/N to step into the car, Rafe and Barry look at her questioningly from the very back. She smiles at Topper and sits directly next to him, he offers her one of his airpods and she takes it. He’s listening to something she’s never heard and she doesn’t mind at all. For the first time in a long time, she doesn’t feel like the loneliest person in the car.

Rafe burns holes into the backs of both their heads. What the fuck is going on?

+++

“So are you going down there for your anniversary?” He hears Sarah ask. She and Y/N are getting their lunch.

“Ya, it works out perfectly with the tour ending just in time,” Y/N responds,

“So are you expecting a ring?” His ears perk up at the question, willing everyone around him to shut up so he can hear her answer clearly.

“I wouldn’t be opposed.” Y/N has a teasing tone to her voice and he feels like throwing up. He gets up from the table where he’s eating with Barry and Topper. His fork clanged against the plate as he stood up and stormed off. He can’t eat with the bile already rising in his throat. What’s wrong with him?

+++

He notices as Topper and Y/N fool around during their private soundcheck. They’re playing off each other, Y/N messing with his guitar as he sings into her microphone. He notices that it’s a little awkward but it’s better than it has been in years. He gives Barry another questioning look and Barry just shrugs. He makes a note to ask Topper what happened.

“I can’t hear myself in my left ear, I just hear Barry’s excessive screeching,” Y/N speaks into her microphone at one of the sound techs.

“Oh, I’m sorry we can’t all be professionally trained singers, princess.” Y/N scoffs.

“You’re in a band Barry, maybe learn how to sing.”

“Why are you being such a bitch right now?”

“Hey!” Topper yells turning towards Barry, “cut that shit out.” Barry makes a face at Topper but drops it.

“What the fuck is going on with you two?” Rafe asks, done with waiting to ask Topper after soundcheck.

“Just have her back, man.”

“Since when?” He raises an eyebrow.

“Since he apologized, maybe you should learn how to do that.” She purses her lips and instead of being annoyed, he can’t stop thinking about how cute she looks.

“I tried to apologize and all you did was yell at me for 10 minutes.”

“You didn’t try to apologize, Rafe! You tried to get me to listen to your album.”

“If you would have just heard me out.”

“What? I would know that you’re so apathetic it’s pathetic but you need me now? Or how about that you’re down on your hands and knees Beggin' me please, baby.”

“You listened.” He feels a sense of relief overtake him which is quickly washed away by her tone.

“Under duress.”

“What did you think?”

“I think it’s bold to sing songs about me when your girlfriend is ready to marry you.” He wants to deny that any of the songs are about her. It doesn’t work like that. Everyone knows. Instead of denying it or calling her conceited for thinking it’s about her, another question rises up and out of his mouth before he can stop it.

“Are you?”

“What?” She asks, confused. He wants to keep his mouth shut. Why does he need to know anything, why does he want to hurt his feelings so badly?

“Ready to marry him?” Oh, he’s so stupid.

“Yeah.” There is no hesitation in her answer and his heart breaks a little.

“Great.” He says shortly.

“Great.” She turns away from him and back to her microphone, talking to the tech until he gets the volume in her left ear right. He storms off the stage shoving his guitar into Topper’s chest, narrowly missing Topper’s guitar.

+++

“What’s your problem?” They’re waiting to be called to the stage for their second soundcheck with the fans.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“You have been insufferable all day, more than usual. I can usually ignore you, I’ve been doing it for a really long time but you’re all pouting and grumbling. What’s wrong with you?”

“How could you forgive Topper and not me?”

“I haven’t forgiven Topper, but he apologized for everything, it’s more than you have ever done.”

“I’m sorry.” He blurts out.

“Rafe. Stop.” She goes to walk away but he grabs her arm, stopping her.

“What? You beg me to apologize and now you don’t want to hear it?”

“I didn’t want to beg you for it, I wanted you to apologize because it’s the right thing to do.”

“I know that I haven’t been a good friend to you. I’ve been so absent from our friendship. I let people get in the way of us and I self-sabotaged and pushed you away.”

“Rafe please.”

“I think that I pushed you away because I couldn’t be with you but I couldn’t be your friend.”

She holds her breath, waiting for what he says next.

“I couldn’t be just your friend because I was in love with you.”

“And I’m stupid okay? I’m the biggest idiot in the entire world for saying the things that I said to you.” He pauses to gauge her reaction. She’s looking directly at him, her gaze not faltering.

“You were never just someone I fucked. You weren’t some girl or someone who didn’t mean anything to me. You are the girl, you mean everything to me. You always have. And I am sorry. I am so sorry that I ever said those things.”

“Why did you?”

“I was terrified. It’s an excuse I know. The way I treated you should have never happened but- I just- I was so scared to ruin our careers and take away what we had been working for since we were practically babies. The work that you put into the band and I was just being so careless with it, I could have ruined everything. I didn’t know how to deal with that and being in love with you and high all the time. I couldn’t do it.”

“You got clean right after.”

“I knew that sabotaging us was the first step to me ruining everything else and I needed to make the sacrifice worth it so I got clean.”

“I’m a sacrifice. You sacrificed our friendship to keep the band but if you had just talked to me we could have decided together. We could have made something work.”

“I know. I’m sorry.” They hear the five-minute to curtain call announcement and Y/N sighs.

“Do you think you could ever forgive me?” He asks her, hopeful.

“I don’t know. You hurt me more than anyone ever has.” She shrugs.

“fuck, b- Y/N I’m so sorry. You have to believe me.” She nods.

“I think I do. I need time. I need to get used to the idea of letting you back into my life before I do.”

“Okay, yeah. What can I do?” He feels hopeful for the first time since he started trying to get her to talk to him.

“Just give me space for now. I’ll let you know.” She walks past him towards Topper. That’s a good start, he thinks.

+++

“Baby!” She yells as she gets off stage, running into Julio’s arms. His flight had been delayed so she didn’t get to see him before the show.

His arms wrap around her waist as he lifts her off the ground, spinning her around.

“When did you get here?” She asks him, kissing his lips before he answers.

“Just as you started the second song.” He pulls away to answer but buries his head in her neck, kissing her.

“Thank you for coming. I missed you so much.” She tells him, still not letting go.

“Always.” He pecks her lips again as the rest of the band comes up behind her.

“Hey, guys.” Julio greets them the best he can with a Y/N-sized necklace still hanging off him.

“Hey, man!” Topper taps him on the shoulder as he passes by him. Barry mumbles a ‘hey’ and Rafe just nods, his jaw tight.

+++

Julio had only been here for one night and already he knew everything that Rafe had told Y/N, Which is how he found himself sitting alone with the man in the green room.

“Y/N told me what you told her last night.” He really doesn’t want to have to explain to Y/N why her boyfriend is on the floor bleeding but if he throws the first punch, Rafe is only defending himself.

“Yeah?” He looks up from his phone and at Julio.

“Look, you hurt her. A lot. To the point where she thought she had no one because of you. She cried herself to sleep every day because of how alone she felt.” Rafe’s stomach churns at his words.

“I’m going to make it up to her.” He puts his phone down next to him.

“And you better mean it. Don’t lead her on. Be honest with her. Do not hurt her again.”

“I won’t.” He assures him.

“Good.” He thinks the conversation is over but Julio speaks up again.

“Rafe, I know how you feel about her. You need to back off. I love her. And she loves me. I will be here until she no longer wants me. Please don’t get in the way of that.”

“I’m engaged.”

“That doesn’t change the way you look at her. Your heart isn’t in it. Respect my relationship and I will respect you.”

“You don’t have anything to worry about. I just want my friend back.” It’s not like she would take him back anyway. Even if he wanted to.

“Okay.” Cleo and Pope walk in to save him from the awkward silence.

“I’m going to head out.” He picks up his phone and stands up from where he was sitting on the couch.

“Nice talking to you,” Julio calls.

“Yeah, you too.” He all but runs out of the room on a mission to find Sarah.

+++

Sarah Cameron is not one to spread rumours. She’s very much the type to wait for confirmation. She blames the circumstances and constant stress she’s under juggling her brother’s stupid feelings with Y/N’s and vice versa.

There has been way too much talk about marriage, Sofia finally arrived and all she can talk about is wedding dresses and the caterer and the first dance and Sarah is exhausted. And of course, Rafe is panicking about things he really shouldn’t be worried about like ‘Oh is Y/N getting married? Sarah, she said that she was ready.’ and Y/N herself teased that she wanted the ring and she wouldn’t say no if Julio proposed. So what is Sarah supposed to think when she hears Y/N squeal from her dressing room as she screams “Yes! Of course, I’ll marry you.” Sarah is tired.

She should have known there wasn’t an actual proposal when it happened in the dressing room of all places. She knows Julio, he’s a romantic guy, thinking back on it, there’s no way he would have proposed like that. Again, Sarah’s tired and she’s not thinking and she needs to tell someone and the first person she sees. Barry. Bad idea.

“Julio just proposed to Y/N and she said yes.” The information spills out of her mouth, it takes Barry a moment to process what she said but once he gets it he’s laughing.

“Shit. That’s going to kill him.” Fuck. Rafe. She hadn’t even thought of her brother’s reaction. She wants to be the one to tell him but he’s out with his trainer. She has to make sure no one tells him before she does.

“Topper!” She runs down the hall towards him.

“What’s up, why are you like sweating?” She waves him off.

“When does Rafe get back?”

“An hour still.”

“Shit.”

“What’s wrong?”

“Y/N just got engaged and I need to be the one to break the news to him.”

“Holy shit. Good for her. Where is she?” Sarah shakes her head at him.

“That’s not the point, I need you to find out where Rafe is training so I can find him.”

“He’s probably running laps outside or at a nearby park.”

“Do you have his location?”

“No, security list.”

“Oh my god! I hate that you’re all famous sometimes.” She says through gritted teeth.

“I need to find John B. Make sure Rafe doesn’t find out!” She says running off down the hall again.

“Find out what?” Sofia’s voice comes from behind him.

“Jesus, Sofia, be louder next time.”

“Sorry. What’s going on?”

“Oh, nothing. Y/N just got engaged and Sarah doesn’t want anyone to know yet.’

“Fun! Congratulations to them, that’s so exciting!” He sees her pull out her phone and walk in the direction of the busses.

“See you, Top!”

“On the bus?” He asks her.

“Yeah.” She gives him a toothy grin.

Shit. Topper thinks. She’s going to tell Rafe.

+++

Kyle had just made him run way too much. Keeping up his stamina was important to perform every night. This time though Kyle really wanted to kill him.

“You hate me, man.” He says opening up his phone. Kyle laughs.

“You did great.” He tells him as they start their walk back to the arena.

He has a few notifications from Instagram from friends back home sending him reels and Wheezie tagging him in stories. He swipes out of Instagram and goes on to his Twitter quickly checking to see if the lineup for the show had started already, trying to see which way they took back to the arena without being seen.

Something catches his eye as he scrolls past it, he scrolls back up trying to find the pink icon.

‘@KSUpdates: 💍💍💍’ He reads through the other tweets wondering what that’s all about, were they promoting something he forgot about? He keeps scrolling until he sees someone say that Y/N’s engaged. He stops where he is, Kyle looking at him questioningly.

“You okay?” His head is spinning, his heart is racing faster than when he was working out, and he feels like throwing up. No, he’s not okay.

“I need to go.” He starts booking it to the arena, Kyle trailing behind him.

He has three unanswered texts from Sarah, a call from Topper, and one from Kelce by the time he makes it back to the arena. He says bye to Kyle and rushes to the bathroom. He’s going to throw up, he feels lightheaded.

He didn’t realize how not okay he was with losing her forever right until this moment. He couldn’t face it for the longest time. He loves Sofia. He does. She has been important to him, his growth, and his life, she’s been an amazing partner. But that’s all she’s been. A friend. Because he couldn’t give her his heart. Not when Y/N was out there already walking around with it. She had never given it back. She owned it, owned him. He knew that now. With every fibre in his being, he knew that he was still in love with her. And she was marrying someone else. He was losing her.

His breathing feels laboured. He feels the room continue spinning, he slides down the bathroom wall trying to keep the panic attack at bay. How could he be so stupid? How could it take him so long to realize that he couldn’t live without her no matter how hard he tried? It would always be her.

He hears his phone ringing again but ignores it. He needs to get his breathing under control before he can talk to anyone. They can’t know he’s losing it.

He needs to do something. He needs to get his shit under control and talk to Y/N. He hasn’t had a panic attack in so long. He’s not used to dealing with it. He needs to find Barry first.

+++

She’s in one of her moods again, every time Julio leaves she gets sad and it takes her a day or two to get back into the swing of things. It’s been a week since she had asked Rafe for space. She thinks that she’ll be able to work towards forgiving him or at least putting the past behind her. After talking to Cleo, Sarah, and Julio, they had all given her the same advice. Do what she believes is the best next step for her.

She notices Sarah hovering over Rafe like a mother hen, checking in on him, asking him if he’s okay every two seconds. She doesn’t know what happened but Topper had told her he went missing for the entire day until their show. And she’s pretty sure he showed up high. She’s scared for him. He’s been clean for so long that getting into drugs again now could shock his system. He’s not her responsibility anymore but she cares if he lives or dies.

That same day that Rafe went missing, everyone was congratulating her for being engaged. The updates account had hinted at her being engaged too, she doesn’t know where they got that information, she not only had to tweet, she had to tell the entire team that no, she was not engaged.

It had been a stupid misunderstanding that Sarah had apologized for a significant amount. Cleo had asked Julio how he would propose so Julio had set the scene for her and gotten down on one knee and Y/N had played along. Stupid and dumb.

She’s reading a contract for a new magazine shoot she’s doing when Rafe comes up to her.

“Hey.” He seems anxious. He can’t seem to stand still and his hair’s a mess.

“Hi, you good?” She asks him.

“No.” She gives him her full attention now. Wondering what he’s about to say to her.

“What’s wrong?”

“I’m selfish.” She doesn’t like the tone he says it in. Like he knows he’s about to tell her something he shouldn’t.

“Whatever you’re about to say don’t.” She goes back to her contract, staring at it blankly.

“When I thought you were engaged-”

“Rafe. Enough.”

“I had never felt so heartbroken in my life.” She’s shaking her head at him, trying to get him to stop.

“And I thought, I have to stop this now. I have to do whatever I can to stop it before it goes too far and I have to ruin your wedding. Because I would. Because I’m selfish.” She doesn’t know what to say to that so she says the first thing that comes to mind.

“It’s too late.”

“It doesn’t have to be.” There’s desperation in his voice, his eyes glassy.

“You’re engaged!” She yells, getting up and in his face.

“No, I love you.”

“I love Julio.”

“I love you.”

“Stop!” She turns her back to him and tries to find her breath.

“None of that changes how I feel. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry it’s taken me this long to figure myself out.” She feels him behind her, looming over her shoulder.

“Why are you telling me any of this?”

“I can’t lose you. And that’s what’s happening because I’m an idiot. But I can’t lose you and I’m going to fight for you.” She turns around to face him, taking a step back, creating distance between them.

“There’s no fighting for me. We’re done. We’ve been over for so long. For three years I only spoke to you on stage or in interviews! There’s no us.”

“Tell me you don’t love me.”

“Rafe.” Her voice is firm but he doesn’t care.

“Tell me you don’t love me and I’ll go. I’ll leave you alone and you won’t ever have to see me again.”

“Not possible. The band.” She doesn’t know why she needs to make sure the band is safe in this moment, so much has happened between them to keep it alive, it can’t be at risk now.

“Outside of that then. Tell me.” She stays quiet, shaking her head once more.

“Please.” She snaps.

“I was in love with you for years! Since I was 13 years old you have lit up my goddamn world and when you finally gave me that chance, when you started looking at me like we could be something you ripped it all away. You hurt me so much and now? Now is when you want to come back and tell me everything I’ve been hoping for for years. Now when you’re getting married and I’m in a happy relationship?” She finishes, her chest heaving anger leaving her body in droves.

“You’re not in a happy relationship.”

“Rafe.” Her tone is warning him to not continue.

“Come on! He doesn’t understand you the way I do! Doesn’t understand the life we live, and the sacrifices we have made to be where we are. He’s not good enough for you.”

“And you are?”

“No.” She throws her hands up, “but, I understand you. I know who you are at your core, baby.”

“Stop.” She’s sure she’s shooting daggers at him now.

“Why?”

“You don’t get to call me that.”

“No, why are you with him?” He’s close to her again, she can feel his breath hitting her face.

“Because.”

“Because what?”

“Because I love him!” Rafe’s face falls. She exhales. “I love him.”

“No, you don’t.” She stays quiet.

“You can’t.” He backs up a little, his head shaking, eyes sad.

“Rafe,” she says softly, stepping closer to him. She reaches out but pulls her arm away quickly.

“It’s too late.” She repeats her words from earlier.

“But I love you.” She doesn’t want to hurt him but she knows she has to put an end to this.

“I don’t love you.”

“I’m so stupid. Oh my god, how did I ever let you go? I’m an idiot th-“ she cuts him off putting a hand on his arm.

“Hey hey, stop. It’s okay. We’ll get through this.”

“How?” Tears are threatening to spill over now. His eyes are red. She doesn’t know if it’s from holding back tears or from smoking.

“By being friends.” His blue eyes pierce into hers.

“I’ll try.”

“Okay.” There are a lot of things left unsaid between them. She hugs him for the first time in years and he puts his face in the crook of her neck. She feels him crying. His tears soaking her neck.

“I love you.” She does too. Not in the way that he wants. Not anymore.

“I know.”

#kildaresplit au #rafe cameron imagine #rafe cameron #rafe cameron x reader #rafe x reader #outerbanks au #rafe obx #rafe cameron au #rafe cameron smau #rafe x you #rafe fanfiction #rafe imagine #rafe outer banks #rafe fic #outerbanks rafe

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fangirl-writes · 24 days

Text

The Fall

JJ Maybank x Reader; Rafe Cameron x Reader

Warning(s): swearing, drugs, mentions of child abuse, assault.

12K Words.

Request can be found here.

Summary: When JJ takes the fall for you, you're determined to break even, even if that includes sacrificing yourself to the kooks. But there's more to it than that. This is the story of a deal, a debt, and more complicated feelings than you can handle.

Notes: Babes this is a behemoth. I think it’s the longest fic I’ve ever written (which is why I’ve been dead for months lmao) but I wanted to tell the story the request was asking for in a proper way and I think I did. Here we are.

In hindsight, you could’ve handled it better.

But if there was anything to know about you, it was that you're reckless and that nobody messes with your friends.

Especially not Pope.

It was just karma, right?

Just karma when Topper’s 2020 Malibu luxury boat sank like a brick to the bottom of the dock.

But no, as JJ would say, this was war.

You didn’t think they’d find out. Didn’t think charges would be pressed. And you definitely didn’t think they’d blame Pope for it.

“Hey, Pope,” Heyward said, coming into the shop where the group of you (minus John B. because where the heck was he anyway?) were packing groceries. “There’s someone here to see you.”

Pope straightened immediately upon seeing Shoupe enter behind his dad.

“Evening officer.”

“I have an arrest warrant for felony destruction of property,” Shoupe said.

Pope looked back at you and JJ with horror in his eyes.

“Keep your hands on the counter where I can see them.”

“Woah, woah, woah,” you protested.

“Shoupe what’d he do?”

Shoupe pulled Pope’s hands behind his back, “take a look at the warrant, Heyward.”

Your heartbeat sped up as you took in the situation, Kiara, JJ, and Heyward protesting over each other, Pope’s expression more scared by the second as they hauled him out towards the squad car.

And you made a decision.

Hang the consequences; hang your college career and whatever else you had to deal with. This was your fault.

You opened your mouth to admit it, to tell Shoupe the truth of the matter, but before you could get a word out, JJ’s hand covered your mouth, pulling you back and gesturing for you to stay quiet.

You shook your head slightly, searching his face for a reason.

He gave you a sad, tight lipped smile, and turned away.

“It wasn’t him!”

Your heart sank as you realized what JJ was about to do.

“It was me.”

Tears welled up in your eyes. “JJ, please-“

“No, Y/N, it’s okay,” he replied. “They tried to talk me out of it, but I was mad because he’d just been beaten up. And I was so fed up with those assholes from Figure 8 that I just lost my shit.”

It was the whole story. Word for word the truth…except that it was you and not him.

Pope looked at you and then at JJ.

“I can’t let you take the blame for something I did.”

JJ looked back at you and then Pope. “You’ve just got too much to lose.”

“JJ, what are you doing?” Pope asked.

“I’m telling the truth,” he replied. “For once in my goddamn life, I’m gonna tell the truth.”

You looked at Kiara, then at Pope, then at JJ.

Why? Why was he doing this?

“I took his old man’s boat, too.”

“What the hell?” Heyward said.

“JJ, come on-“ you said, taking a step forward.

“Just shut up, Y/N!” JJ said, voice so loud it made you curl away. “Just shut up.”

The tears began to fall.

“He’s a good kid,” JJ said to Shoupe. “You know where I’m from.”

Shoupe eyed him before replying, “yeah.”

“It’s just all me.”

You couldn’t let JJ do this, but if you came forward now everything would unravel and Pope would surely be hauled in regardless.

So, it was over.

You let JJ take the fall for you, watching him be carted away like the criminal that he wasn’t.

“I’m gonna kill him for this,” you said.

You’d know JJ for almost as long as you’d known Pope.

The two of you crossing over with JJ and John B. in fourth grade and the rest was history. You were mirrors in a way; John B. and Pope the more level-headed, less impulsive two, while you and JJ were more reckless, more stupid.

Pope always told you it was going to get you in trouble one day.

Your family thought the same.

You had a foul mouth, delinquent friends, a weed habit that was consistently enabled, and anger issues that probably needed put in check.

Hence the revenge plot.

But then there was JJ. The other side of your coin, your enabler, your partner in crime. It always worked out and he always assured you it would. And you always believed him.

But not this time.

When JJ showed up to Midsummers, where you were helping out Pope and Heyward, you went after him.

“What the hell were you thinking?”

“Woah, hey, Y/N. No, ‘thanks for saving my ass, JJ, you’re so hot for that’?”

“Don’t. Not now.”

He chuckled uncomfortably as you took his face in your hands.

A busted lip he’d already had, though the blood was fresh, but the bruises littering his face and upper body were all new.

“Did Luke do this to you?” You hissed. “Did that asshole rough you up for a thing you didn’t do?”

“I’m fine! Look, he was just pissed about the money-“ JJ said, a waver in his voice.

“What money?”

“Restitution. I’ve gotta pay for what I broke. 30k.”

“30k?!” You squeaked.

“Shh!” JJ said, hands on your shoulders. “Look I’m on a mission here and you’re gonna blow my cover.”

“What? JJ, we’ve gotta talk about this. I’ve been worried sick-“

“Sick? You don’t look sick.”

“Stop! JJ, god! I should never have let you do that, I should’ve spoke up-“

“Y/N!” Your face in his hands, JJ scared you silent for the second time that day. “Shut up, okay? Trust me. Trust. Me.”

Pope was there next, hugging JJ and blabbering just as you had been, but JJ shut him down.

“John B. and I got it all sorted out,” he said. “We’re gonna be filthy rich. We’re back in the G-game, baby.”

“What?” You hissed quietly. “We’re still on the gold thing?”

“I thought we lost the G-game,” Pope said.

“Yeah, well, we’re in overtime now.”

Your head was spinning. Between the restitution and the gold and JJ’s bruised face, you wanted to go back in time. Change the outcome and maybe you’d be the one who took the fall for once.

Maybe for once you could’ve protected JJ.

“Be right back,” he said. “I’ll explain later.”

You watched him go, confused and worried.

“What the hell is he talking about?”

Ignoring Pope, you followed JJ, watching him pass off a note to Sarah before getting intercepted by Rafe and Kelce.

"I'm wonderin' if you could get me a mai tai, my friend?"

"Yeah, pogue, how about you make that two?"

"Well, I'm on the clock right now. You guys look spiffy," JJ replied. "You know, uh, I got a couple of orders ahead of you, so why don't you guys go ahead and wait by the bar?"

No. No, no, no, no, no. You wouldn’t let this happen again.

"Until then, help yourself to some hors d’oeuvres."

"Oh yeah?" Rafe said, motioning to a few more kooks. "Hey guys, JJ's gonna serve us some hors d’oeuvres."

JJ began to backpedal, running out of the situation and you hurriedly followed.

It was quite a scene, JJ running through the Island Club, the kook guys chasing him, and you chasing them.

“Hey, man, what’re you doing in the locker room, huh?”

JJ immediately turned around and tried to head the way he came, but he was surrounded.

“Wow, that’s a cute outfit,” JJ said, stumbling into Rafe.

“Shut up,” Rafe replied, shoving him into Kelce.

“Hold him still. What do you think? A four iron, right?” Rafe said, adjusting his hands like he was holding a golf club. “Keep his head still, I’m gonna line this up.”

“Very Rafe of you, Rafe,” JJ spat, struggling to breathe. “Five on one?”

"Now, would you please stop talking?" Rafe replied with a smirk. “It’s very disrespectful when I’m trying to hit a ball. Learn your etiquette my friend.”

"Rafe!"

A surprised pause washed over the locker room as you slid into view.

"Oh, another pogue to the rescue," Rafe said. "You gotta have girls save you now, JJ? Tut, tut."

"Rafe." You repeated sternly. "Let him go."

"Oh, no shot, milkmaid," he replied, leaning down at JJ. "Your face looks really bad. Starting to look like your dad a lot more.”

JJ spit in his face.

Rafe laughed, wiping it away with ease, looking almost impressed. “Oh, shit! See, now I'm even less inclined to let him go."

"Rafe!" you swallowed. "You let him go...and you can have me."

"What?" Rafe asked.

"What?!" JJ protested, struggling harder against Kelce.

Rafe stalked towards you. "Now, why would I want you?"

"Cause you always have," you said. "And" - you leaned closer to him, voice a whisper - "if you don't, I'll tell your dad exactly where all his money has been going."

You'd found Rafe's stash of dope multiple times back when you worked for the Camerons as a maid alongside your mom.

You never ratted, never had a reason to, until now.

"You know he'll believe me."

Rafe's eyes narrowed.

"Now let him go."

A beat, a standoff.

And Rafe snapped his fingers.

Kelce dropped JJ, who coughed and stumbled towards you.

"Okay, Y/N, we're even now, you saved me, let's go."

You smiled at him. "We're not even yet."

Before he could ask what you meant, the lights started flickering and you let out a sigh of relief as security entered the room.

“Gentlemen,” he said. “Is there a problem here, guys?”

“Oh! Pardon me, officer. No there’s not an issue, I just-” JJ said before starting over. “Actually, yes. No, there is an issue.”

You watched JJ get to work. He could talk himself out of a situation better than anyone you knew.

“Uh, we got a criminal trespass in progress here. Beep! Call it in, right? Blatant disrespect for private property,” JJ said.

The kooks looked like they wanted to react, but they wouldn’t so they wouldn’t get in trouble with their daddies.

"As you can see, I’m in violation of all kinds of shit, sir. But these young gentleman...”

JJ straightened Kelce’s collar.

“...uh, caught me, sir, and they’re about to take me away. And that’s what you should do, escort me outta here. All right.”

Security, not caring enough to refute JJ’s bullshit of a story, did as requested and led him out of the room.

“Fix that tie, son,” JJ said, one last quip. “You’re lookin’ spiffy, too. You Powerpuff Girls have fun. Y/N, come on.”

But you didn't move. Rafe's hands falling on your arms, his head hovering too close to your face. "I'll take good care of her, JJ, don't you worry. She's pretty hot for a pogue!"

“JJ, don’t!” You said but he’d already ripped himself away and went back to fight.

Thankfully, the security guard was there to separate them all again.

"Y/N!"

You felt your stomach dip as he called for you but you didn't move.

"Let's go guys," Rafe demanded, motioning for all his buddies to exit the room. Then he whispered in your ear. "I knew you'd come crawling to me eventually."

It sent a shiver up your spine.

Truth was, back in the day, you didn't think Rafe was so bad.

Maybe it was because it was always within earshot of his dad, but he'd always been nice to you when you worked for his family. Especially after you ran across his stash.

Course, it wasn't long after that that your family got the boot as apparently the Camerons decided having a maid was too bougie for them.

You always suspected he was the reason, but you don't have any proof of that.

And now, well, how does a poor person get 30k?

Maybe the lottery, maybe life insurance.

Or maybe they steal it.

It was just karma right? For all the years that the kooks had been giving pogues a hard time.

And the Camerons probably wouldn't even notice a little 30k was gone.

Right?

JJ was pacing at Rixon's cove.

The group had gone over the plan, where the gold was, the fight about Sarah.

"Just shut up, Kiara!" JJ shouted.

They all looked at him with wide eyes.

"Look, if we can meet with Sarah, maybe she can tell me if- maybe she can tell me where-"

"JJ, you're scaring us, bro, what is it?"

"It's Y/N."

"What?"

"JJ, where's Y/N?" Pope said.

"She gave herself up for me man!" JJ cried. "It was some eye for an eye bullshit, I told her we were even but she wouldn't listen! Now she's probably being Rafe's chew toy or something."

"Okay, gross."

"I'm serious! You didn't see the way he was looking at her, man. Like she was a piece of meat. I gotta go, I gotta save her-"

"Woah, JJ," John B. intercepted his friend. "You're gonna go running back into the lion's den? The only thing this is going to do is get Y/N and you into more trouble. We'll save, Y/N, I promise. And if she's at the Camerons' then Sarah there too and she won't let anything happen to Y/N."

He was distraught. "JB, you don't understand-"

"JJ," John B. said. "She's gonna be okay."

"You're better off without her man, trust me, I live with the bitch," Rafe said, arm thrown around you in Topper's car.

"Rafe, don't call your sister a bitch, man, come on," Topper replied.

"Yo, I'll call her whatever I want man. All right?"

You couldn't figure Topper out.

One minute he was nearly drowning John B. and the next he was defending Sarah's honor.

Seriously, what was his deal? Friend or fo?

"Come on, bro. Drink up, all right?" Kelce encouraged from the passenger.

"You really think you should be drinking and driving?" You asked, trying to grab the beer from Topper's hold but Rafe pulled you back.

"Ah, ah, ah, little pogie," he said. "Only speak when spoken to."

You glared at him.

"I gotta see her, man," Topper said. "We're not...we're not good right now."

"Shut up, shut up, shut up. Shut up, dude. Bad idea, muchacho," Rafe said.

"Just stick with the bevo, all right?" Kelce said.

You felt like a guppy surrounded by sharks.

"If you go there now, there is a high likelihood you go fetal," Rafe continued.

"Exactly."

"I'm not- I'm not going fetal," Topper argued.

"All right. It's your funeral." Rafe said. "It's your funeral."

Topper pulled up to the Camerons’ and got out, heading for the house.

"While we have the time," Rafe said. "How about we hammer out the details of our little deal here?"

"What deal?" You snapped.

"The deal where I lay off JJ and you stay here, with me."

"Oh-kay, I'm getting out," Kelce said, popping open the passenger door and bailing from the car.

"There is no deal, Rafe," you said. "You let JJ go and I'm here. That's all there is to it."

"No, no, no," Rafe replied, tightening his hold on you. "You said I could have you. That means you're mine now."

You sucked in a breath. "You're drunk. And probably high."

"I wouldn't blow at a party full of socialites all right? I'm not crazy."

Debatable.

"You on the other hand, I would love to see blow," he said, tugging on your chin.

Your face contorted with disgust as you pushed his hand off you.

He chuckled. "All right, we'll lead up to that. I'm sure you'll want it eventually."

"What makes you say that?"

"Well, you're here right now, aren't you?" he said. "If you detested me as much as you act like you do, you wouldn't have gotten in this car."

Okay. True.

But he didn't know what you were really there for. In fact, he couldn't know. If he knew, you'd probably be arrested or worse.

And you needed to get that money.

"Fine. I'm yours," you said. "For now."

He smiled. "I could get used to hearing that. Come on, I'm not waiting on Topper."

He popped open the door and the two of you jumped out. He slung his arm back around your shoulders. "Bye, Kelce."

"Don't have too much fun, you two," he said back.

Rafe flipped him off as you guys entered the house.

"Rafe!" Ward came around the corner. His eyebrows going up at the sight of you. "And Ms. Y/N. I haven't seen you in a while, how are you? How's your mom?"

"We're both doing good, thanks," you replied, giving him an awkward smile.

He glanced between you. "So. Are you two-"

"Night, dad." Rafe said, pulling you along behind him and up the stairs.

"Hey, Rafe, no funny business! I'm serious, young man!" Ward called after you.

You couldn't help but laugh a little, despite the situation.

Rafe looked back at you and smirked.

He opened the door to his room.

It looked exactly as you remembered it, albeit messier.

"Sorry, didn't have time to clean up," he said, milling about the room as you took it in. "I'm sure you're dying for a hit."

You looked over to find him offering you a joint.

"Don't worry, it's just weed, I promise."

Though you weren't exactly inclined to believe him, you weren't in much of a situation to argue, so you took it.

Pulling a lighter out of your pocket, you lit the joint and took a drag.

It was almost muscle memory, having done the exact motion with JJ a number of times before.

Your stomach lurched.

JJ. What was he thinking right now? Was he okay?

You looked up and choked on the blunt smoke.

Rafe had taken off his shirt and was digging through his dresser for something.

You coughed into your hand, waving away the smoke and avoiding looking at him again. Shit. Had he always been attractive? Was that wrong to think?

"You, uh, want some clothes to change into, or?"

You looked at him again; he'd put a shirt on and at some point had changed into plaid pants.

"Uh, no, thanks I'm- I'm good," you replied, passing him the joint back.

He took a drag of it before stabbing it out in an ashtray near by, blowing the smoke through his nose.

He sat down on the bed next to you, sighing. He swayed a little, the alcohol and weed making its way through his system and relaxing him.

"If I tell you something," he started. "You promise you won't tell anyone else?"

JJ always said you had this way about you. A way that made people trust you, to believe you'd keep their secrets. Still, Rafe's sudden need to confide in you took you by surprise.

"I never told your dad about the drugs..."

"You can't use this against me," he said, looking you in the eyes. "You have to promise."

He was scaring you a little but, the intesity in his eyes a kind of seriousness you'd never seen before.

Cockiness, confidence, anger, even fear, but this was something new.

"I promise."

There was silence for a few moments as he hesitated, eyebrows knit together like he was thinking hard about what to say.

You were about to say something, ask him what it was, when-

"I'm scared."

You blinked. Of all the things he could have said, you were probably expecting that the least.

"Of what?" you asked.

"Of- Of-" he laughed breathily. "Of everything. That I've disappointed my dad. That I've ruined my life. That I'm spiraling out of control."

He put his head between his knees, running his fingers through his hair.

You weren't sure what to say. You didn't know him enough to reassure him none of it was true. To try to ease his fears. And, truth be told, you didn't like him enough to lie to him about it.

"I'm just...I don't know what to do."

A swell of pity trembled through you. Pity for the boy who's had a silver spoon in his mouth his whole life.

Who beat Pope with a golf club just because he was a pogue.

The pity morphed into anger.

You wanted to scream at him, tell him just what you thought about him and his fears.

But, then again, you were a pogue. If he beat up Pope for just walking by, what would he do to you if you did?

Swallowing the anger, you reached out and rubbed his back, soothingly.

If you could just pretend for a night that he was your friend, that he wasn't a total asshole, then you could get what you came here for. And, hopefully, never have to be alone with him again.

Rafe reached up, taking one of your hands in his. "Thank you," he said, squeezing it.

He sniffed, shifting his body so that he was facing you.

"I'm sorry. For dumping all that on you, you don't need that. You probably hate my guts anyway," he said.

You didn't reply.

"Then again," he said. "You're not running away screaming. Why is that?"

You licked your lips nervously, silent.

"Just this morning you would've spat in my face but you were willing to come here with me just to save your friend. And your still here. Why?"

"I'm a woman of my word," you said. "I said you could have me, remember?"

Rafe hummed. "And now?" his hand came up to brush along your cheek. "Can I have you now?"

The action fizzled out the anger from before and you felt your cheeks heat up.

What could you say?

Well, "no" probably would've been sufficient. Still, there was a lingering curiosity that ate at you as he leaned closer, eyes trained on your lips.

It was wrong, wasn't it? To wonder what it was like?

"I'm gonna need an answer here," Rafe said before repeating. "Can I have you now?"

The word left your lips before you could think about it. "Yes."

Then his lips were on yours. Softly, more gently than you ever would've imagined it, like he was savoring the moment, like he wasn't thinking at all.

He tasted like weed and beer, as you should've expected, but it strangely wasn't unpleasant.

It reminded you of JJ, who you kissed once before, drunkely at a beach blowout.

Neither of you talked about it afterwardds, but something in your dynamic had shifted after that.

Was thinking about JJ while kissing Rafe weird? Surely a girl shouldn't be thinking about someone else while kissing a guy.

I mean, surely Sarah wasn't thinking about someone else while kissing Topper-

Oh.

You pulled away, resting your hands on Rafe's chest.

"I-I'm sorry, I-"

"No, no," Rafe said. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have-"

"It's okay, I gave you permission-"

"You're just in my room and I-"

You both took a pause and a breath.

You sighed. "I just- uh- I don't know if I'm into you like that."

"Oh."

He seemed disappointed.

"I'm sorry."

"It's fine." he said, in a tone that told you it wasn't. "It's late. I can take you home if you want, or you can stay here. We've got a bunch of guest rooms-"

"Can I," you interrupted. "Just sleep on the floor? In here?"

Something about sleeping in one of the Cameron's fancy bedrooms when you were planning on stealing from them seemed extra wrong.

"Uh, sure," Rafe said. "Whatever you want."

There are only three types of relationships in the animal kingdom.

The first is commensalism. Fish finding hiding spots in coral reefs, but life for the coral doesn't change.

It was your family moving to Outer Banks. It was the winding trees at the chateu that you climbed often.

Then, there's mutualism, a relationship where both animals benefit from each other.

It was your friendship with the pogues. It was what JJ's sacrifice was going to be when you got the money.

And third, the parasitic.

"This is your room," Sarah said as John B. walked into it, eyes a little wide.

"Woah," he said, then tossed his hat on the bed and set down his bag full of everything he owned. Which was, admittedly, not much.

"Not too shabby, huh?" Sarah said.

"Yeah. Not too shabby at all."

"John B!" You came flying down the hall and into his new room, practically jumping into his arms.

"Y/N! AH- bruises, wrist, please-" he said.

"Sorry, sorry, I'm sorry," you replied, backing away. "You okay?"

"Yeah. No, I'm good. I'm good."

You'd woken up that morning on Rafe's floor to about a thousand texts and calls on your now fully-charged phone telling you what happened at the hawk's nest.

Rafe had been the one to let you know, begrudgingly, that John B. would be staying at Tannyhill.

"Sarah Elizabeth Cameron," Ward said, coming around the corner. "And Ms. Y/N."

You gave him a respectful nod.

"You've already broken the first rule. What is the first rule?" Ward asked. "Stay out of each other's rooms."

You smiled.

"Seriously, this is like a minefield," he said, gesturing to the line at the doorframe. "Y/N, I can count on you to keep them in line?"

You mock saluted. "Yes, sir."

"Good," he said, pausing a moment. "Ladies, can you give me and the new inmate a quick minute here?"

"Oh, sure."

"Please be nice," Sarah asked.

"I'll be nice," Ward replied as the two of you left, walking down the hallway together.

The tension thickened immediately.

"So," Sarah started. "You and my brother, huh? What's that about?"y

Honestly, you weren't even sure yourself, but you gave her your most convicing smile. "I guess I kinda like him."

She didn't seem to be buying it. "I'm just saying, if you're doing this to prove a point or to get back at some pogue who hurt you. Stop."

You scowled. "And what about you and John B., huh? Last I heard you were dating Topper. He get too boring for you? Have you even broken up with him because last night-"

"Why don't you just stay out of my business and I'll stay out of yours? Deal?" she snapped.

You rolled your eyes but nodded and she turned her cold shoulder into her room, leaving you alone in the hall.

You heard Ward leave John B.'s room so you swung back around and into it.

He looked up from the map in his lap and folded it over immedaitely.

"Okay, what the hell," he said. "Seriously, Y/N, you and Rafe?"

"Look, I'm not doing this because I want to, okay?" you said, voice barely above a whisper. "JJ took a fall for me and I need to pay him back."

"By stealing from the Camerons?" John B. asked, tensly. "Do you realize how insane that sounds?"

"Well, unless you have a less crazy way to get 30k in my hands, this is it," you replied.

"The gold, Y/N, we're going to get the gold."

"You and I both know the gold is a longshot!"

"And this isn't?"

"Let me try this, JB, and if you find the gold before I find some money, let me know," You said, turning to leave before pausing in the doorway. "And, please, don't tell JJ what I'm doing. We both know what he'd do."

John B. knew JJ best. And you were right.

"My lips are sealed," he promised, reluctantly.

—

"I'm sorry. You're staying where?" Kiara asked, later at The Wreck.

"Tannyhill," John B. replied, matter-of-factly.

"So you're living with Sarah Cameron."

John B. rolled his eyes. "Okay, look, the only reason I'm living there is because her dad bailed me out, right? And it's way better than foster care, which, by the way, is where I was about to go.”

"Hey, so do you have a membership to the clubs now?" Pope asked, ignoring Kiara's expression.

"I don't know, Pope."

"What about those golf carts they drive around? You get one of them?" JJ asked.

"Does it come with a sweatervest, or do you have to buy one on your own?"

"Look, you promised," Kiara said. "You said you weren't with her."

"Bro, just own it," JJ said. "She got you."

"Look, if you wanna hang out with her, that's fine," Kiara said in a tone that indicated it was, in fact, not fine. "But I'm letting you know now that I'm not doing anything with Sarah."

"Do you guys see her here?" John B. asked.

"Don't see Y/N either," JJ said, pouting. "God, I can't believe she's still with Rafe. It's making my blood boil."

"She's fine, JJ," John B. said. "A little focus would be fantastic."

And while the pogues went on their treasure hunt, you went on yours.

Sarah was downstairs and Rafe had split before you woke up, leaving you a note that said where he'd gone.

It was kinda sweet.

And it made you feel kinda guilty when you snooped around his room.

You found the usual apparel; porn magazines, old drug paraphernalia, socks you didn't even think about touching. But you didn't find any money.

You groaned, falling back onto his bed. Shit. Okay.

You poked your head out the door, looking around to make sure no one was there, then you crept from Rafe's room to a few other rooms.

The ones that weren't locked, you came up empty. But the last door seemed promising.

It was Ward's office, that much was clear, judging by the big desk and bigger painting.

Your eyebrows raised.

Well, where in all the movies did the rich people hide their safes? Behind paintings.

You crept inside casually, in case anyone was in there. You could fake needing to ask Ward or Rose a question if you had to, and you could play off Wheezie easily.

But, the room was empty.

You closed the door quietly behind you, locking it in hopes that if anyone tried to come in, you'd be able to escape or find a hiding spot before they could get in.

You beelined for the painting, wanting this to be as quick and quiet as possible.

Just as you suspected, the painting was on hinges and, when you pulled it open, there was the safe.

Okay. Step one, done. Now step two.

If you were Ward Cameron, what would your safe code be? A kid’s birthday surely, but which kid?

You dug through Ward's desk, trying to find a notebook with passwords, a scrap of paper with it written down, a calendar with birthdays in it, anything, but nada.

So, you had to venture down the stairs and hope there was something down there that would help you.

Peaking over the banister, you didn't see anyone, so you crept silently down. Praying no one would hear you.

It would be uber weird to ask Sarah what her birthday was if you ran into her and it's not like she was your biggest fan anyway.

"Hey."

You froze, hearing Topper's voice from somewhere to your right.

"Hey, how's John B? Is he- is he doin' all right?"

"Like you give a shit."

You let out a breath, realizing he was talking to Sarah.

Making sure to avoid that room, you crept on.

"You realize I did not push him. He lost his balance and fell."

"Don't lie."

You slid open drawers, digging through as quietly as possible for a key, a code, even a little cash.

"He fell against the rail. Not my fault."

"That is messed up."

You peaked in another office, finding Rose's checkbook on the desk. And damn it, a check would not work. They'd know.

And you couldn't forge the signature of somebody who's signature you'd never seen.

"You forget about us, like- midsummers was supposed to be our- our coming-out party. That was supposed to be something special, right?"

"What does it matter, Topper? We're in high school, it's not like we're getting married."

You didn't mean to eavesdrop, but the conversation was getting heated. And, since Topper already pushed John B. off a tower, you wanted to be able to step in if you thought he was going to do anything to her.

However cold she felt about you.

So, you hid in an adjacent room and listened.

"I don't care anymore, Topper. I can't be with you, not after last night."

"Oh, after last night? You wanna talk about last night?" Topper said. "Did you forget the part where you cheated on me? Huh? Did you forget about that? You're a slut! You know that? You're a slut!"

"Watch your mouth when you talk about my daughter!" You heard Ward shout, the words nearly shaking the wall between them and you.

"Your daughter's banging a Pogue-"

Your breath caught as Topper's sentence was cut off by choking noises. Was- was Ward choking Topper?

You held your breath as he forced Topper out, the sound of him starting his car and taking off breaking through the silence.

You were shaking, trying your best not to panic as you heard Sarah cry and Ward comfort her.

That wasn't just overprotectiveness. That was a pure kind of rage. Ward was a man who would kill to get what he wanted and do it without blinking an eye.

And Rafe-

Fuck. What had you gotten yourself into.

—

John B. was wondering the same thing after Kiara stormed out.

"It'll be cool, right?" Sarah said icily. "I'm gonna leave."

"Sarah, don't-"

"Let y'all chat."

"Hey, hey, Sarah," JJ said, catching up to her before she split. "Is um- have you seen Y/N? Is she okay, or?"

Sarah scoffed. "I don't know why your pogue friend has been fucking my brother, but feel free to tell her to stop," she bit and JJ backed off.

You- you were fucking Rafe?

—

Well, no, you weren't. Actually you were scrolling through your phone, trying to forget what happened earlier, when Rafe came back.

"Hey, stranger, why didn't you-" you stopped, noticing the look on his face as he leaned against the door. "Are you okay?"

He had a scared look on his face, a burn on his arm. The look in his eyes resembled the way JJ always looked after-

You remembered Ward from before. The image of his hands around Topper's neck.

You got up from the bed, walking over to him and putting your hands on his shoulders, making him look you in the eyes. It was a gesture you'd done with the pogue boys for forever. When something was bothering them, it got them to spill their guts.

Rafe, it seemed, was no different.

He told you everything. The money he owed, the watch he was going pawn, the look on his dad's face when he was caught.

They were going to get Barry the money tonight. And then it would be over.

But the way he looked told you he knew it wouldn't be over. That something was different this time.

You hugged him.

You hugged the classist asshole.

Fuck. Truly, what had you gotten yourself into.

Rafe sent you home long before him and Ward went to settle the debt.

But he made sure to text you afterwards and let you know what had happened. "Don't come home" were the words that rang in his ears.

And made your heart ache.

"I can't let you stay with me, I'm sorry," you said over the phone.

"That's fine, I got friends. I'll figure it out."

"Good to hear," you said, closing the door of your car and heading for the chateau.

An urgent text from John B. got to you this morning that said: WE DID IT. COME TO CHATEAU ASAP.

"Hey, I gotta go, talk to you later, okay?"

"Yeah, sure," he replied and you hung up.

"HEY YOU GUYS!" you shouted, quoting The Electric Company to draw your friends out of the woodwork.

They came out in surprising pairs. Sarah and Kiara jumped out of the Twinkie and Pope and John B. turned away from a machine they were wrenching on.

"Y/N!"

"Aren't you a sight for sore eyes."

"Long time no see, sister."

"Hey guys," you said with a laugh, accepting the hugs given and the pogue handshake from Pope. "Where's-"

"Nice of you to finally join us," JJ called from the porch. "Having too much fun with your new fuck buddy to see your friends?"

"Oh-kay, I think we should leave you two alone," John B. said, grabbing Pope by the shoulders, whistling and jerking his head towards the house to get the girls to follow.

JJ set down what was in his hands and headed towards you.

"Look, JJ-"

"No, you don't get to go first," he said. "I saved your ass. You saved mine. We were supposed to be even, squared out. But you just, what? Decided that Rafe Cameron was more interesting than us? He got a big dick or something, please enlighten me on why you've been gone all this time."

"JJ, I told you at midusmmers that we weren't square, okay? You have a price hanging over you-"

"So, you decided to ditch? We were looking for a way to settle that and you're galavanting at Tannyhill doing whoknowswhat or, well I guess we do know who you're doing-"

You slapped him. Clean across the face and loud.

Had you been within earshot, you would've heard the other pogues (who were spying on you through the front windows) gasp and let out a few "oh shit"s.

"You don't get to slutshame me for shit I didn't even do, all right?" You retorted. "Nothing happened between me and Rafe. Nothing."

"Yeah, well, somehow I don't believe that."

"Well, fuck you, JJ. I was doing this for you. I was going to steal from the Camerons to pay off your debt and if they found out-" you paused, a look flashing in your eyes. "But yeah, fine, I guess you already found the gold. And you're gonna pawn it right? Here in OBX? Like that isn't the stupidest thing you can do."

"What's the alternative? Wait for Rafe to kill his dad for you so you can get the inheritence? Hate to break it to you, Y/N, but your pussy probably isn't that good."

It was stupid. The whole argument was stupid but JJ was hurt and the idea of you with Rafe Cameron made his skin crawl.

"You know what, I don't need this. Have a nice life JJ and good luck with your restitution."

Regret flooded over him. "Y/N, wait-"

"No, JJ, sorry, you don't get to be forgiven that quick," You said, heading back to your car. "And for the record, Rafe Cameron has been nicer to me today than you have. And that's really fucking sad."

You slammed your door closed and started your car, taking off.

JJ watched you go. He knew he deserved it. He deserved every word you could've thrown his way, but watching you leave was worse than anything you could've said.

And what killed him even more was that he knew that he had driven you right into Rafe's arms.

He was at a country club with Topper and Kelce, Topper was licking his wounds and the boys were joking when you pulled up.

"Y/N, nice to see you again," Kelce said as you walked up.

"Yeah, nice to see you, too," you replied as Rafe walked up to you.

"What're you doing here?" he asked.

You pecked him on the lips, catching him off-guard.

"Just- wanted to see you, I guess."

He smiled. "Good enough for me. And now we got even numbers for bags, you know how to play?"

You laughed. "Do I know how to play? I'm a pogue, remember? Pretty sure we invented this game."

Rafe looked like he was about to lean in and kiss you, but something over your shoulder caught his attention instead.

"Rafe Cameron!"

You followed his gaze. "Is that-"

"Stay here." Rafe said, walking over to where Barry was talking with a member of the staff, Topper and Kelce following.

"Like hell," you replied, chasing after them.

"Why's your whole family think I'm some bitch that they can shit on, man?" Barry asked. "First your dad kneecaps me in my house."

"You got your money," Rafe insisted.

"That ain't the point," Barry continued. "I'm asking you, what am I? Am I just some little bitch? Is that what your family looks at me like?"

"No. No." Rafe said.

"No, no," Barry mocked. "Okay, so then why is your little sister and her little surf rat friends running around stealing 25K out of my house Can you tell me that?"

"They did what?" You asked, coming closer to the conversation.

"Y/N, stay back," Rafe said. "My little sister robbed you?"

"Yeah, Sarah robbed me. That's why I'm here."

"She won't pick a dollar up off the street. What are you talking about?" Rafe said.

"Do I look dumb? You think I don't understand what's goin' on here?" Barry said. "'Cause I'm telling you right now, you better sort this out with your sister, or else I am. 'Cause I want my money."

Worry was building in your chest. You leave for one afternoon and suddenly the pogues had gotten themselves into a heap of trouble.

"Listen, I don't know what you're talking about," Rafe said. "Enlighten me."

"Enlighten you?" Barry said. "So, the pogues are all around Outer Banks stealin' shit out of everybody's house and you got no idea what I'm talking about? Your sister's involved in it."

"Sarah Cameron, home invader," Rafe said, disbelief evident in his voice. "You know how stupid-"

Barry threw Rafe off him, yelling angrily in his face. "That's 25K!"

Topper got in the middle, but just because he could take John B. doesn't mean he could take Barry.

"Sort this shit out with your sister," Barry demanded. "Imma get my money."

"Yes, of course," Rafe said.

"If it's not from you, it's from her. Remember that. I'll see you boys around."

Barry left, leaving you and Topper to hash things out with Rafe.

"What are you gonna do?" Topper asked.

"Nothing, it's not my problem," Rafe said.

"Rafe, that's your sister. Those are my friends!" you said.

"What are you gonna do?" Topper asked again.

Rafe spared a glance at you before making a decision. "All right, come on."

They got on their bikes and you got on behind Rafe. He handed you a spare helmet.

"You just keep this on hand?"

"Well, maybe I was hoping a certain someone would come riding with me soon," he replied.

You bit your lip and pulled the helmet on, then held his waist as he sped off in search of the pogues.

Worry and anger ate at you. They just had the gold and now they'd gotten themselves in trouble with a drug dealer? Where had it gone south? What stupid thing had they done?

This had JJ written all over it.

The thought left a bitter taste in your mouth but it was true.

He always did something wreckless after a fight with one of his friends.

After your first fight, he went cliff diving during a thunderstorm and the pogues had to rescue him from nearly drowning.

Nothing with more consequences than his own safety, but the pogues had gotten mixed up in something bigger than themselves this time. And a sinking pit in your stomach told you it might just get somebody killed for real.

John B. and Sarah were just cruising in the twinkie when you found them, Rafe recklessly cutting them off and causing John B. to hit the breaks before they hit him and you on the bike.

"Shit. No, no, no, no. John B.," Sarah said before her boyfriend could get the door open. "Let me handle him."

John B. watched as you took off your helmet, the look on your face more pissed than he'd ever seen you.

"And I'll hand her," he muttered.

You stormed up to the van. "Where's JJ? Is he in there?"

"He's not here, Y/N."

"What did he do? Were you there? Do you know he robbed a drug dealer?"

Another bike sped up towards you and John B. got out of the van to meet him.

"Don't ignore me, John B.!" You shouted.

"Come to try to kill me again, Top?" He asked, ignoring you.

You were fuming. Caught between arguments and not in any them. You wanted to shout, scream, punch, cry, but no one was giving you the opportunity.

"One day, I'm gonna be running the show, Sarah, and you're gonna wish that you were nicer to me then," Rafe said.

"Why don't you give me a save-the-date on that?" Sarah retorted. "You psycho."

Sarah shoulder checked you as she passed. "Nice to see you went crawling back to him, Y/N."

You glared. "Yeah, well, you guys didn't exactly give me much of a choice, huh?"

"Let's go, Y/N," Rafe said, tossing you your helmet and then putting on his own.

You looked back, giving John B. one last angry look before sitting behind Rafe and letting him take off.

"Well, that went well," John B. said, watching you go.

You'd been hanging around Rafe pretty much all after that. Dipping out of the pogues story for a while. Maybe forever. You weren't sure how you felt right now, besides betrayed and hurt.

Right now, Rafe was the only thing holding you together.

That and weed.

"Rafe!" Wheezie called out, causing you to choke on the hit you were taking. "And Y/N. Great."

"Wheeze, you don't need to be around this-"

"Don't worry, I'm not going to tell anyone," she said, dropping her bag down.

"Uh, you want some or-"

"Rafe!" you protested.

"What?"

"She's thirteen!"

He gestured wildly like 'I don't know!'

"This crib is sweet," Wheezie said. "How'd you get the Gleason's to let you crash here?"

"Uh- I didn't tell them is how," he replied.

"Pogue trick," you joked, flashing her a peace sign.

"Keep a lid on it, please," Rafe asked.

"Only if you let me crash here whenever I want," Wheezie replied.

"They try and kick you out, too?"

"Worse," she replied. "I'm officially the least favorite daughter. Sarah and dad are going to the Bahamas and did they invite me? Nope."

"Bullshit," you said with a shake of your head.

It seemed like regular rich people shit to you, but it seeemed to catch Rafe's attention. "Wait, they're going to the Bahama house? In summer?"

"Yeah."

"You guys don't do that often?" you asked.

"Nah, usually only when it gets cold," Wheezie said. "But according to Rose 'it's business'."

You raised an eyebrow at Rafe's change in behavior.

"I mean, they're all up in some new development, and for some super-secret reason, they're going to the Bahamas," Wheezie said.

Rafe leaned forward. "You know, I- I know about, like… a billion times more about the business than she does. What- what is this?"

He stood up, hands running through his hair.

"We're the black sheep. Get used to it, Rafe," Wheezie said. "Baa."

"Shut up, okay?" Rafe said, becoming increasingly unravelled.

"Baa."

"Hey, shut up!" Rafe moves forward, grabbing his sister by the wrist. "Wheezie, I told you to shut up, okay?"

You moved then, standing between the two. "Rafe. You're high. Back off."

Wheezie moved around you and tossed a pile off cash at him "My life savings."

He dropped down to scoop it up.

You frowned. "Did he ask you for money?"

Wheezie shruggged.

"I'll pay her back," he said. "I know this looks really bad right now and everything, but like, I'm gonna- I'm gonna my shit together, okay?"

You wanted to believe him, but something about just now...

"I'm gonna get it tight, like, you know..." Rafe said, banging his fist on the table a few times. "Like, real tight. You'll see."

"Yeah..." you replied, turning to Wheezie. "Why don't you go look around? The Gleason's have some pretty cool shit."

Wheezie shurgged again, but took your suggestion and went inside.

"Okay, what the hell is going on with you?" you asked.

"She's taking my place!" Rafe shouted. "Perfect princess Sarah. I screw up one time and- and all that I've worked for! That's supposed to be mine!"

He threw everything on the table off of it, glass shattering around you.

"He can't do this! He kicks me out just to- just to give everything to her! She always gets everything!"

He paused, a crazed look in his eye. "But not this time."

He started backing up, heading towards the stairs. "Not this time!"

"Rafe!" You called after him, chasing him down the stairs. "Rafe wait!"

You ran up, grabbing his arm before he could get on his bike and he flung back and hit you.

You tumbled to the ground, hand on your face.

He stopped. "Oh my god, I didn’t mean- Y/N, you know I didn't mean to-"

He reached down to help you but you pushed him off.

"Don't touch me! Don't-" there were tears in your eyes and blood coming from your nose. "I thought you weren't but you're just like your dad, aren't you?"

He didn't respond, just stared at you.

"Aren't you?!" you yelled.

He took a few steps back and grabbed his bike. "Yeah. Yeah I am."

Then he was gone. Speeding off on that damn bike.

Call it anger, call it intuition, but you jumped in your car and followed him. All the way to the airstrip until your car couldn't follow any more. Then you stopped and bailed from your car, running after him at a much slower pace.

When you finally caught up-

Was that John B.? And Peterkin? Why was she on the ground-?

It registered quickly: the gun in Rafe's hand, Sarah's sobbing, the pressure John B. was putting on Peterkin's chest.

"Oh my god," you said before running out there. "John B.!"

He looked up. "Y/N! Call 911!"

Rafe immediately turned the gun towards you, making you freeze.

"Don't!" Ward stepped between the gun and you. "Rafe, I've got the radio, nobody else needs to get hurt, put the gun down."

He looked at you. "I can count on you not to do anything reckless here, right Y/N?"

You shakily put your phone back in your pocket.

"Good girl."

John B. stood up, making eye contact with you before backing towards the twinkie.

"Where do you think you're going, huh?" Rafe shouted as Ward held him back.

And John B. took off in a dead sprint towards the grass, you followed around the other way while the Camerons collided with each other.

Gunshots went off and you screamed, booking it towards John B. as fast as your legs would carry you. Through the trees and brush and dirt until John B. made it to the road-

And got hit by a car.

"Shit!" You shouted, slowing down enough to help him up and, much to the confusion of the driver, kept running.

"Where are we going?" You asked.

"Find the pogues," he replied.

By the time you did, well, you let John B. be the one to step out first.

"Dude! Dude, you good?" JJ said.

"Oh, my God! John B!" Kiara said.

They took him in, not seeing you at first.

"Is this yours?"

"Whose blood is that?"

"Y/N?" JJ said.

Sirens whirled behind you and you all ducked into the shed the pogues had been squatting in.

So. Turns out you missed a lot.

First off, Ward killed John B.'s father. John B. went on a tirade. Sarah didn't believe John B. The Camerons have the gold. Pope split from his interview.

And you were a traitor.

You'd left them because you were pissed and you actually thought Rafe Cameron had a heart.

And now, after Peterkin was dead, you're realizing you should've known all along.

"Hey, is that- do you have a bruise around your eye?" JJ asked later, when John B. had gone into the police station to tell them what had happened.

"Oh," you said, reaching up to feel it and wincing. "Yeah, I guess I do. Can thank good old Rafe Cameron for that one."

"He hit you?" JJ said. "No. Fuck that. I'll find his punk ass-"

"JJ," you said, grabbing his wrist. "Not now. Please."

He relented and sat down.

"I think I owe you guys an aplogy. I was so dumb for thinking Rafe was a good guy and I was just so mad. I missed out on this whole adventure..." you said.

"Don't worry, Y/N," Pope said. "Hasn't been all that great, to be honest."

You laughed lightly. "Thanks, Pope, appreciate that... Kie?"

Kiara sighed from the front seat. "I think I'm done holding grudges. Especially now." She turned in her seat to look at you. "And especially not to you."

You smiled at her.

"Kie, start the car!"

You all snapped to look at John B. running out of the station.

"Start the car!"

Chaos broke loose as Kie flooored it forward, two cops chasing after you, everyone shouting over each other until-

Silence.

The cops dropped off and John B. was breathing heavily.

"They think I did it," he said. "They think I killed Peterkin."

—

There was no going home for anyone and you couldn't exactly go to the chateau, the first place they'd look, or anywhere familiar.

So, you hid.

Laying low in Kie's car with no other options, the radio turned to a news station in a vein hope that they might say something helpful.

Pope was nessled in the front seat, Kie in the drivers, which left you in the back, sandwiched between JJ and John B. Head on JB's shoulder and leg over JJ's leg.

The sound of JJ's lighter flicking open and closed was only interrupted by the occasional police sirens that, thankfully, wizzed right by. As for the radio-

"Still no arrest in the shooting death of Sheriff Susan Peterkin. The state police have issued a statement regarding a local person of interest, a juvenile from-"

Kiara switched it off.

"Let's game this out," JJ said. "Maybe you guys can help, being the smart ones and all, but-" he let out a breath - "who are the cops going to believe? Ward Cameron or us?"

It didn't need to be said. You wouldn't be hiding right now if there was any hope the cops were on your side, but JJ, being JJ, felt the need to say what everyone was thinking.

"So, the accuser is a big shot developer, kind of lord of the island, got the governor on speed dial kind of person. And the accused...is John B...who is pretty much a homeless 16-year-old boy at the moment..."

You sighed against John B's shoulder and kicked JJ's leg with your foot.

"What? I'm not wrong."

"Thanks," John B. replied, sarcastically.

"Shit." Pope said from the front.

"Look, man, Yucatan, all right?" JJ said, talking to John B. over your head. "I'm saying that's the only option. What other option do you have?"

"Enough with the Mexico bullshit, all right?" John B. retorted. "Sarah's gonna bail me out."

"I mean she did witness the whole thing," Kiara said.

"Thank you," John B. said.

"And she's gonna snitch on her brother?" Pope asked.

As if the mere mention of Rafe, not even by name, set him off, JJ puffed his joint and continued on his tirade. "Not happening, bro, okay? We need to get you off the island."

"The ferry," Pope said. "It's the only way."

"Yeah, exit stage left while you still can, before the entire island is on lockdown."

As if on cue, more sirens approached.

The five of you ducked down again, slinking as far into your seats as you could go.

You half wished yours would just swallow you whole, put you out of your misery.

"Sarah's not a pogue, John B.," Pope said.

"Yeah. You can't stay here, man," JJ said.

John B. seemed less inclined to speak, so you snuggled further into him and he squeezed your arm.

The two of you were closer to other pogues, but after this, you might just start leaning on each other a little more.

Hell, if John B. was leaving the island, you wanted to go with him. JJ would probably tag along, too, lord knows he needs an excuse to get outta dodge.

It would be just the three of you, hitch hiking until you found somewhere to be. A beach in Florida maybe, Puerto Rico, even. Change your names, get jobs, settle down. It wouldn't be so bad.

Just had to get on the ferry.

"Okay, so, ferry's closed."

Or not.

"And there's this," Pope said, handing a piece of paper to Kiara through the window.

A wanted poster.

It was a fucking wanted poster.

You didn't even know they made those anymore.

"Okay, so the whole island's looking for John B. right now," Pope said.

"That's a lot of money," Kiara said.

"Congrats, John B., you're famous," you said, bitterly, as you passed him the poster.

"We got to get to the HMS," Kiara said. "It's small, no running lights-"

"Its at the chateau, Kie," John B. replied.

"And I wonder if the cops got the entire place staked out, let me think," JJ said. "Oh, yeah, no they definitely have that place locked down."

"Yeah, copy that."

"Let me think, just give me a second," Pope said, hands on the steering wheel, eyes closed as he scrambled through his thoughts. "JJ."

"What?"

Pope turned around in his seat. "Does your dad still have that boat? The cigarette boat, The Phantom? The one he used to race."

"Maybe..."

"You could get right up the coast, no problem," Pope said.

And, as is common for the pogues, when a solution presents itself, it all goes to shit.

Chaos broke out, Pope unintentionally getting the attention of everyone around the ferry. And, of course, the car was stalling out.

John B. was hiding his face and the rest of you were yelling frantically at Pope as he turned the ignition. And once it went, he hit a car. And alerted the cops.

Great.

Who let Pope drive, again?

He slammed on the breaks and you nearly went tumbling into the front with him and Kie.

"Shit, Pope,"

"John B., get out."

"He's right," JJ said. "We'll draw the cops, you run."

"Where's he supposed to go?"

"What's the alternative, Y/N?"

You bit your lip. "Okay, go John B., run."

He popped the door and hefted himself out as JJ said, "I'll get the rig and meet you in the dump tomorrow. Three o'clock, okay?"

John B. bailed, slamming the door behind him and Pope floored it, driving the cops away from John B. as quick as was reasonble.

Meanwhile, Rafe was rummaging through John B.'s stuff.

"What're you doing?" Wheezie asked.

"Getting rid of this crap," Rafe replied, too calmly for someone who'd committed murder hardly hours before.

"That's John B.'s," Wheezie said.

"Yeah, well, I don't think he's gonna be by anytime soon to pick it up, so..."

"Why?"

"Did you say why?"

Wheezie nodded, innocently.

The image of you running off with John B. flashed through his head. The horror in your eyes when he pointed the gun at you. Why had he done that?

"They didn't tell you?"

"Nobody tells me anything."

"Um...so John B.," Rafe considered it for a moment. The lie bitter on his tongue...but he said it anyway. "Killed Sheriff Peterkin."

But Wheezie wasn't dumb. The disbelief was evident in her voice when she said, "What?"

"Are you smiling right now?" Rafe asked. "I'm not joking, like this isn't a game. I dont" - he smacked the post of the bed - "I don't know why you're smiling, okay? Look at me."

He leaned down close to Wheezie. "I saw it with my own two eyes, all right?"

Lie.

"He shot her. And then do you know what he did?"

He was spiraling.

"He tried to shoot dad, but I stepped in, and I stopped him, right?" It sounded more like a question than a statement. "I saved his life."

"Why would John B. wanna kill dad?"

Rafe shrugged his shoulders before saying the only honest thing he had this whole conversation. "He thinks dad killed his father."

The cogs turned in Wheezie's head. "He wants vengence."

Rafe shouldered John B.'s bag. "Yeah, he's...he's a maniac. And Sarah's been hanging out with him."

He turned to go when Wheezie said, "But what about Y/N?"

That got him to stop in his tracks. "What?"

"Y/N hangs out with John B. She wouldn't if he was a maniac...right?"

Rafe licked his lips. "Well, uh...sometimes you think you know people. And you don't."

—

"Pope you clocked that car, man, it was so bad!" JJ said, laughing.

You had your feet danging over the back seat, the light outside beginning to turn blue, bathing everything in a twilight haze.

"Pull over!" Kiara demanded.

Pope, smartly, did as he was told, albeit a little more wrecklessly that he would have had he not been high.

"JJ's it's not funny," Kiara said. "He shouldn't be driving."

She slammed the door closed and JJ made eye contact with you.

You grinned. "It's a little funny."

He smiled back, handing you his blunt, and it was almost as if nothing had changed.

"Where're we going?" he asked.

"The last place they're gonna look," Kiara replied.

—

"Last place they're gonna look because of how stupid it is." JJ said as Kie and Pope scaled the Camerons' wall.

"I second that," you said, slinking down in your seat.

"You guys just stay here, okay?" Kie said before dropping out of sight.

Then, it was silent.

The tension between you and JJ grew thick.

"How's your eye?" JJ asked.

"Huh? Oh..." you reached up to feel the bruise. "To be honest, I forgot about it."

Another beat of silence.

"I think I owe you an apology," you said. "I shouldn't have gone back to Rafe. I knew who he was, but I still held on to some naive belief. And now this."

You put your head in your hands, wondering if you could have changed this somehow.

"Hey," JJ said, lifting your head up. "You just see the best in people, all right? You always have. Even in me. I said some pretty awful things to you, and I'm sorry for that. I guess I was just jealous."

You looked at him. "Jealous?"

He wouldn't meet your eye. "Yeah. The idea of you being with Rafe... it bothered me, all right? And not just cause he's him...cause you're you."

You smiled softly. "Well, I was telling you the truth when I said we didn't sleep together...but we did kiss...once."

"Oh."

You chewed on your lip, thinking over your next words. "But I was, uh...I was thinking about you when it happened."

This seemed to get JJ's attention. "You were?"

You chuckled. "Yeah. It felt so weird and I wasn't sure at the time why but," - you looked at him - "I think it's because I really like you JJ. And not in the friend kind of way."

JJ split into a grin that could've lit the highway. "Really?"

"Really."

You both leaned forward, a kiss inevitable, but then the doors opened and you were interupted by Kie and Pope piling back into the car.

"Where's Sarah?" you asked.

Kie just shook her head. "Plan failed."

"Okay, so what's plan B?"

Plan B, it turned out, was sleeping at the wreck.

Kiara curled up on a bench and Pope resting his head against some napkins. You and JJ opted for the floor, staring up at the ceiling and just playing with each others' hands until one of you fell asleep.

Which, must've been you because before you knew it, the sun was up and JJ was flicking his lighter open and closed anxiously.

"He's pinched fore sure," he said.

"No," Pope replied. "They wouldn't still be patrolling if they caught him."

"Let's hope."

"You know, we were in that car, they're porbably looking for us, too," Kie said.

You knicked the lighter from JJ's hand, flicking it open and closed. "Yeah, the Camerons are probably tearing their hair out that they can't keep me locked down like Sarah."

JJ reached for his lighter and you held it out of his reach behind your back, he chased it and you dodged. A silly game in the middle of everything.

"Well, if we're gonna be outlaws, we might as well help John B.," Pope said.

JJ got hold of the lighter finally, pushing you lightly. "So, find him before they do?"

Pope grabbed the keys to the dirtbike.

"Pope?"

"I'm gonna get gas for the boat," he said.

"Hey, you be careful," Kiara said. "Okay?"

"Meet me at the dock at three," Pope said to JJ, ignoring Kie. "Don't be late."

JJ and you exchanged a look as Kiara took off after him.

The tension between you and JJ seemed to have morphed into tension between Pope and Kie.

"You know what that's about?" you asked JJ.

He shrugged. "Whatever it is, it's not helping."

When Kiara pulled up to the Maybank residence, it was like all the joy got sucked out of the air.

You'd been there before, a few times, helping out JJ with whatever, usually sneaking in through his window if his dad was around.

You got caught once and...well, let's just say you haven't been back since.

"Home sweet home." JJ said, bitterly.

"Hey," you leaned up from the back seat. "Do you want me to come? You know I will."

"Same here," Kiara said.

JJ shook his head. "No. This'll only take a second."

He jumped out and gave one last look to the two of you before heading inside.

"So..." Kiara started. "You and JJ, now?"

"I guess so," you replied. "Is it weird?"

She shrugged. "I mean...a little, but I think we were all waiting for it to happen."

"Really?"

"Yeah...you should've seen the way he was spiraling out without you. Plus his dad..."

You pulled your knees up to your chest, eyes trained on the house. "I never should've left. I never should've let him take the fall for me."

"Well, you know JJ. If he had to do it again, he wouldn't change a thing."

The screen door threw open and he came through it, distress evident on his face.

Kiara started the car.

"How'd it go?" She asked, tentatively.

JJ held up the keys, tangled in a silver chain around his fingers.

Mission accomplished.

At what cost?

Kiara drove off and you reached out, taking JJ's hand and squeezing it.

He squeezed back, but said nothing.

It was a frantic sort of day. One misstep and the whole plan unwravels and John B. gets hauled in for something he didn't do. Something none of you could save him from if it happened.

"It'll be fine," JJ said, more to himself than to you or Kiara. "It'll be fine with the Phantom. She'll get out of here quick."

A few police cars went rushing by, you and JJ ducked your heads but Kiara kept driving calmly.

"They're still looking," she said. "That's a good sign."

She kept driving, theoretically away from the danger.

Until you caught Rafe's eye through the window.

Shit.

He was with Barry, who was still out for blood, no doubt. And Rafe's head was no where near on tight.

"Shit, shit, shit, Kie!"

The dirtbike engines revved.

"Kie you gotta go faster!"

"What? Why?"

"Because Rafe and Barry are on our asses, all right?"

"What?"

Her and JJ both turned around to look, the red bikes easy to spot.

"Fucking Rafe Cameron man," JJ said, smacking the dashboard as Kiara sped up. "Always showing up at the worst times."

Kiara sped up as fast as she reasonably could and they faded back.

"God, please, don't follow us..." you muttered, wishing on wishing.

JJ reached back, squeezing your forearm. "Just focus on the mission, baby, okay? We got this."

Baby? That was new...but not unwanted.

It distracted you long enough for you to reach the warehouse where the Phantom was.

JJ pushed open the door and salivated immediately. "There she be."

You and Kiara surveyed the boat and exchanged a look. Oh boy.

"A 1983 Formula 402 SR1," JJ said. "The Phantom."

He looked back at you guys and Kiara shrugged.

"The first boay to make the run to Bermuda in under 16 hours, Kie," JJ said, running his hand along the boat. "Forty years old! Forty...and still the fastest thing that Kildaire's ever seen."

"It's kind of a junker," Kiara replied.

JJ looked almost offended. "Really? She's right there, Kie. She can hear you."

"I'm starting to wonder which of us you're really into," you joked.

"Let's just put it this way," JJ said. "You would not be smoking weed right now if she never existed, okay?"

"I just hope it runs," you replied as JJ snaked an arm around your waist.

"Oh, she'll run all right. She's faster than any cutters the boys in blue got."

The screeching of tires got your attention and Kiara jumped over the hitch. "Pope! Finally..."

"Hey, there."

Your stomach sank and your eyes went wide, seperating from JJ immediately.

Rafe's eyes bore holes in your skill. "What's going on, JJ?"

Kiara back tracked as Rafe climbed onto the Phantom. "How byou guys doin'?"

Barry whistled, coming around the other side of JJ, who stepped in front of you protectively.

"Well, well," he said.

Rafe jumped back down and the three of you were truly surrounded as Barry pulled a pistol on JJ.

"See, don't think I forgot about me and you on the side of the road," Barry said. "See, I'm here because I want my motherfucking money!"

Barry rushed him, smacking JJ in the face and you screamed for him, but Rafe's arm wrapped around your middle, pulling you back.

Kiara went to help, but got a pistol smacked against her face for her troubles.

"Kie!" You shouted. "Rafe let me go! Let me fucking go!"

He tossed you down. "I think it's time you and I had another chat."

Kiara pushed herself between you. "Don't even think about touching her again."

Rafe huffed through his nose. "It's not you we want, Kie. Just her. Her and John B. Where is he, Y/N? I saw you run off with him, where is he?"

He tried to move towards you but Kiara slapped him in the face.

"I really wish you didn't do that," Rafe said.

"Stay down, boy," Barry said, kicking at JJ with his foot.

"JJ!" you shouted, trying to go for him but Rafe intercepted you again.

"We know what you did!" Kiara said.

This got him to pause, dropping you. "Oh yeah? What did I do?"

You crawled across the floor to JJ.

"You murdered Peterkin!"

"Nah, nah, stay back, girl," Barry said, pulling you up by your hair.

"Y/N!" JJ said, strangled but he got up and started going towards Barry, who tossed you aside and starting beating on JJ again.

You hit the floor hard.

"You're gonna wish you didn't say that," Rafe said.

You caught sight of them, Kiara's neck in Rafe's hand.

The terrible image of Ward flashed in your mind again and you were frozen, terrified.

"Where's John B.?" Rafe shouted in Kie's face, tightening his hold every time she said she didn't know.

THWACK.

Pope laid into Rafe with a tire iron, smacking him across the back and arm. "Don't touch her!"

It didn't last long. Rafe was fighting back almost immediately, but Pope had gained confidence and anger and punched back without hesitation.

"Rafe!" Barry said, moving off JJ to help Rafe.

JJ took this opportunity to trip him and the pistol went tumbling out of Barry's hand.

"Y/N! Kick it!" JJ said.

You did as instructed, kicking the small gun as far and as hard as you could.

JJ intercepted Barry as you stumbled back towards Kie.

"Are you okay?" you asked her.

She was rubbing her neck but nodded. "Pope!"

Barry was down but Pope was still wailing on Rafe.

"Pope, he's had enough, man!" JJ tried, but something inside Pope had snapped.

"Pope, stop!" you shouted as Pope wrapped a hose around Rafe's neck.

"Pope that's too much!"

"Stop, dude!"

JJ wrapped his arms around Pope's shoulders. "Dude, come on, stop, dude, stop!"

"Pope get off of him!"

There was blood all across Rafe's face, but his eyes stayed trained on you as you stood there helplessly.

You should've hated him. Should've thought this was what he deserved. But the fear that gripped your insides at the thought of him dying, of him being killed by one of your best friends.

It was too much.

"Look at me!" Kiara shouted.

And Pope let go.

Rafe went tumbling to the ground and you instinctively went after him.

Rafe coughed and checked him, asking if he was okay. He didn't reply, trying to catch his breath without choking on blood.

"We gotta go." Kie said. "We gotta go."

She headed towards the car, JJ following reluctantly.

Pope was fuming. "Stay off the cut."

You'd never been scared of Pope before, but in that moment, the rage in his eyes was one of the scariest things you'd ever seen.

You looked back at Rafe as Pope followed the other two.

He was breathing heavily, the blood glittering against his face.

"Y/N, come on!"

You moved to get up but Rafe's hand grabbed your arm, making you look back at him.

"Please-" he choked out.

You shook your head. "Deal's done. You were supposed to lay off."

With that you pulled out of his grip and jogged to the car, shoving yourself in the back seat with JJ.

You curled in on yourself again, knees to your chest.

"Well, I'm glad that's over," JJ said, leaning against the window.

"Is it, though?" you said.

It was just karma, right? It was all...karma.

JJ reached for your hand and you let him take it, but neither of you faced each other.

This night was far from over. There was too much left.

But the deal was off. Pope got his revenge. And you and JJ had each other again.

This chapter...was over.

#jj maybank x reader #rafe cameron x reader #jj maybank imagine #outer banks imagine #outer banks x reader

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14dayswithyou · 8 months

Note

Idk if you read the Hunger Games, but how would the cast react to being reaped? Who would win?

✦゜ANSWERED: Read da books and seen the movies!! Also doing districts because I can hehe <3 Also also this is set in an AU where you have to be over 18 in order to be reaped!

Anyways!! Welcome to the 14th annual Hunger Games!! I support Johanna's rights and wrongs!!!!! <3

Ren: District 3, but realistically whatever District Angel is in. He somehow wouldn't be reaped, but would volunteer if Angel got picked (either taking their place in the Games or being their partner from the same district) Moth: District 3. Would volunteer at the last second if any of their siblings got picked, otherwise they'd probably break down and go silent if they got reaped instead. Violet: District 11. Wouldn't react in public, but would shed a tear behind the cameras for her plants that she's leaving behind. Would go into the games with a strong resolve, however. Elanor: District 8. Their initial reaction would be to freak out and refuse to go on stage, but would ultimately submit out of fear. She probably wouldn't last that long in the arena, tbh T_T Conan: District 5. No reaction outside of him hugging Alice goodbye and promising that he'll win and return to her safely. Jae: District 4. Visibly upset, but it's more-so because no one volunteered to take his place. Wouldn't be the same man as before if he survives the games. Leon: District 12. Gives everyone around him a reassuring smile and promises that everything is going to be okay. Might ask his friends to take care of his mother and Angel in his absence. Teo: District 1. A career who volunteered with an arrogant smirk — all because he's confident that he'll have everyone's eyes on him in the arena. Olivia: District 9 or 10, leaning towards 9. She's screaming and yelling and throwing hands at anyone who touches her. Cusses out the Capitol and spits on a camera as she gets dragged on the stage. Kiara: District 8. Initially frozen and shell-shocked, but it morphs into fear and desperation once she hears Elanor volunteer and take her place.

Who would win: Realistically, either Ren (technically Angel), Violet, Conan, or Teo would win. Ren because he has no morals, isn't afraid to kill someone, and would sacrifice himself if it meant letting Angel win; Violet because she's got the brains and smarts for it, Conan because his morals got thrown out the window the moment he was separated from his daughter, and Teo because he's trained for this very moment and is willing to kill others in order to survive.

Who actually won: Teo won T_T Here are some highlights for those interested:

#When I tell u I was GAGGED when Rosie killed the gays back to back and held Teo's hand afterwards #She came into this arena with a PURPOSE /silly #And I'm giggling at Maple getting an explosive <3 Good for her! <3 #Puppy with the highest kill count too?? Good for paw!!!!#Also I would've put Shalls with his spouse in District 3 but Ren was there already T_T #Anyways…. Teo winning? I’m upset now/silly #💌 — answered.#💖 — 14 days with queue.#watnnl #💜 — 14dwy memes.#to be tagged later

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musedblues · 3 months

Text

All Things Must Pass

a/n: IDK CHAT this is 100% projection. long story short, i promised @almightyellie and @userjohndeacon a sessa fic, started it, then proceeded to have the worst june ever. and i accidentally ended up turning this entire plot into my therapy. sorry for the devastation but... happy ending?

description: since starting college angus became your very best friend. just as you begin to wrap up your academic career, shit hits the fan for everyone. friends to lover's type shit but make it excruciating. angus x fem reader.

warnings: explicit sexual situations, death, mentions of suicidal ideation, brief scene ft. harassment, over all morbid tone. God bless whoever takes the time to put up with this plot lmao

18k

MINORS DNI

///

The Party

"Would you hurry up! I want to get there before all the good booze is gone." Angus drummed on his steering wheel as you rushed into his passenger seat. He'd been honking outside your dorm for five minutes, despite the couple times you poked your head out the window to yell at him that you were coming.

"I got ready later than I wanted, I was actually trying to study. You know we're at college to learn shit, right?"

"Yeah, and I'm trying to learn how to get drunk fast tonight. Every moment of this precious life is a lesson to be learned if you let it, kid." Angus jested, as if being a few months younger mattered in your mid-twenties.

"You used to be fun, Angus. You used to be so carefree. You used to bitch so much less profoundly. That philosophy class has done a number on you." You laughed as you teased him, watching your friend grin in response. Angus was your favorite pain in the ass. You were his, he said so often. He was your ride to everywhere. You were his built-in tutor for everything. He was your emergency contact on every official form. All because he was lost the first weekend here; and you just happened to learn directions to the furthest class on campus moments before he asked an ever-emptying hallway of students to show him the way.

"Look. This is the last party Kiara is throwing before she graduates, and before our month of finals. I just want to have the best night possible." Angus reasoned. He went on to ramble about how uptight you had been about school lately, and how you needed to let lose tonight all the same. Angus was right.

Your first year of college was spent in elation, when you realized you'd finally escaped the confines of your family. None of them ever had your best interest in mind, and rushing off to freedom was how you spent your 20th autumn. Your second year of college was spent really nailing down your major, hedging all your bets on studying something serious that would keep you afloat your entire life. Something you could depend on for yourself and no one else. But the fatigue of your intense studies set in by the third year, leading you to seek out more extra curriculars to take the edge off.

It was Kiara's idea to take dance lessons. She was your partner in every tango and waltz. She was your biggest encouragement to take the extra ballet class. And she'd been really pushing you to audition for the team that would travel to Europe to compete in an annual competition. Between your friend, and your instructor, you'd been swayed to stay longer at practices- and to work harder for auditions at the start of the summer. But that meant your studies became even more of a challenge, with your brain focused on achieving more goals than you'd set out to tackle.

"So, what are we doing tonight?" Angus rallied, as he pulled against the curb of Kiara's townhouse.

"Having a good time!" You enunciated each word as Angus chanted along with you, smiling his stupidly perfect smile. You'd always loved the sight of him happy, carefree. Happy looked especially good on your friend Angus.

You trailed behind your friend as he bound toward the steps of the party, and held open the front door for you. The air was misty with hints of rain, summer couldn't settle in quick enough.

Kiara's home was big enough for four or more people, but she planned to share it only with her cousin- a lawyer on her way from Chicago, whom none of you had yet to meet. To the left of the entrance hall was the living room; packed with acquaintances and strangers clinking red solo cups together as a Hendrix record played. To the left was the kitchen, where Kiara stood showing off an island full of drinks and organized snacks. Her springy brown curls were pulled back in a neat ponytail and she was dressed better than anyone, as always.

"There they are!" She smiled and pointed to you and Angus, before waving you over to her massive refrigerator.

"Extra cold beer and expensive liquor for friends only." Kiara swept her hand to suggest you pick your poison, as she swatted away a stranger from reaching in all at once. You laughed and thanked her for being extra thoughtful, not surprised by her set up. She was the most detail-oriented human you'd ever met. Once Angus had a bottle of beer in either hand and you were content with the last of some old chardonnay, you followed Kiara out to the patio.

There beyond the steady flame from the fire pit, sat Soren and Tom. Both already high off their asses. They waved as you approached and lit up a fresh joint. And just like that your group was glued together. You'd all wound up in San Fransico from different parts of the country. And you'd all ended up tight knit throughout a year of run ins at pubs and races to class, despite the difference in some of your grades. Fate continuously lobbed you each together. And over the past few years; time always carved out at least one day a week where the five of you could hunch over laughing past midnight like a band of fools.

"How's your job at the cafe going Soren? Paying your book fees back in a timelier manner now?" You rose a brow and looked to your friend. His blonde curls hung to his shoulders; his eyes red by way of the night's events that had only just begun. How he was dependable enough to hold down a job you were unsure, but impressed by all the while.

"I haven't been late once in the two months I've worked there. For work, or my fees." The guy boasted, taking a hit from the blunt he kept promising to pass around but never did. Your group set down their bottles and glasses to give Soren a small round of applause.

"What about you Kiara? Are you set up for your internship?" Angus asked, both beers already gone. He rose from his perch on a lounge chair to reach in a nearby cooler for another drink.

"Oh yeah. I start next week, and I graduate three days later. It's getting real, gang. We're getting grown up." Kiara pouted out of sentiment, and nervousness, you noticed.

"One day closer to death." Tom concluded, "Gotta make the most of it!" The guy lunged, stealing the blunt that Soren had been hogging, laughing at the blonde's appalment. You admired Tom's waggish disposition, eagerness to keep you all on your toes. But even dark eyed, dark humored Tom started to lament about how fast time was flying by this third year of school.

"I'm gonna graduate, get a house and a few cats. I'm gonna start working at the vet clinic and be rich enough to start my own in ten years." Tom declared, so sure of himself. You watched your friend mean every word that came out of his mouth, which was rare for the often-unserious fellow.

"Did you know," Angus began to rally, raising his bottle to make a point. "In Egypt when a family's cat died, they all shaved their eyebrows off as a sign of respect. Haven't figured out why yet. But I was reading-"

You groaned a laugh, decidedly tuning out the rest of Angus' sentance. You loved that he always had a recently studied story to share. They fascinated you, usually. But tonight, Angus rambles about history repeating itself was filling you with dread. You weren't keen to consider the past tonight. And your own lack of clarity about the future was growing vaster every day.

Remembering your promise to let loose here, you politely excused yourself from Angus' on-going speech to find more to drink. Surely the fridge inside had something strong enough, something to really set you off for the evening.

A bottle of whiskey seemed promising but there were no mixers. You settled for a couple shots, and chatted with a girl who lived down the hall from you. She did two more shots with you and introduced you to her girlfriend. The pair were nice enough together but wouldn't shut the fuck up about a recent trip to France and their decision to move there. Couldn't anyone talk about anything besides their plans for life, tonight?

In the living room, strangers picked the worst vinyl's from Kiara's collection to spin. You sighed as some physics major beamed at the sound of Neil Diamond groaning from the speakers.

Thank God you hadn't been left to linger too long alone. Angus was tapping at your shoulder eventually, holding up a bottle of your favorite rum you hadn't realized was available. His smile grew mischievously as he beckoned you to follow him away from the crowd. This was when the real fun always began.

The spare most bedroom was home to a smaller record player and a more prized collection of vinyl's. Kiara never minded your spinning these, knowing how delicate and careful you were with them. How you were more dazzled by some of her favorite collections than she was, on occasion.

Angus was quick to lock the door, keeping out the people who inevitably started knocking to use the en suite bathroom. Kiara had two more. They'd figure that out. You chose an older album, struggling to turn it up louder than the shit they were blaring from the living room. Angus had already taken an absurd swig of rum from the bottle by the time you'd finished fidgeting with the volume dial.

"Geeze, save some for the rest of us buddy." You snatched the drink for your own turn, already buzzed, but looking to see stars tonight. Angus was well on his way, it seemed, laughing a little too hard at your jest.

"Finally, good music and decent booze. And you, I guess." You smiled up at Angus, taking a big drink as he grinned back your way. He accepted the bottle back as you began to drone on about the shit music the crowd was playing. You rambled about how you feared they lacked a certain amount of passion for talent. You lamented still how easy it was for people to know passion better than you ever could. How unequivocally everyone spoke tonight about their passions and futures and plans. But how even given your efforts to want the same things, you didn't feel that same certainty everyone else seemed to.

"You gotta get out of here." Angus stalled before you, tapping his pointer finger against your temple. He was always getting you to snap out of your silly spinning what if's and why's.

"Sorry. I know, we're supposed to be having fun." You remarked, grabbing back the bottle to catch up to Angus level of inebriation. He went on to make some foul retort about passion, a joke about the last time he managed a one night stand.

"That's the same gusto you're so proud of that got you only frowns the day you asked out three poor freshman before lunch."

"Win some you lose some." Angus grinned, taking a generous swig before passing the bottle to you. You were both well drunk by then and enjoying the solitude from the masses. Kiara threw the best parties because she had the biggest house. And that gave you a lot of opportunities to seek out space all the while, which was the more valued asset, you thought. Your longsuffering roommate was always in the way. And if your one was an obstacle, Angus' three others were too much to bear. Nights like these were sacred for so many reasons.

"I'm better with silent queues, anyway. I've never successfully talked my way into a date."

You chuckled in your friend's direction, rolling your shoulders to the beat of the new vinyl you picked out. You dreamed a little of adding this song to the list of ones to choreograph in the future.

"No, I'm serious! The people I've successfully hooked up with in college have all happened when I decide to keep the talking to a minimum. A little body language goes a long way, I swear!"

"Angus you know I love you, but I'm struggling to believe you." He was too awkward. Not in a nerdish way. But something about his countenance could be enigmatically naive. He'd been through a lot in his young life, enough to hold a certain wisdom in his posture. But he still seemed to have so much to learn.

"No?" Angus stifled a laugh, seeming to make a decision with a nod. "Well what about this?" He set the bottle of rum down on a chest of drawers. Angus turned, giving you a sly look over his shoulder, before spinning to face you all the way, letting his eye's rake up your figure. He did have the most alluring set of eyes, and you liked to imagine what was going through his head as he peered across every inch of your body.

"You come here often, darlin'?" Angus rose a playful brow, reaching to sling an arm over your shoulder. You huffed a sorry laugh and shook your head in disapproval.

"It worked until I talked, didn't it?" Angus bit his lip, lifting his brows again to get you to giggle. Even if it did, you'd never tell him.

You drank more and argued over what records to play. You laid on the floor near the speakers and settled into silence when a particularly good song came on. Angus hummed along and made you smile. You drank more and made each other laugh until you cried, slumped against the wall by the loo. Music still pulsed from downstairs, but you noticed fewer voices rallied from downstairs, fewer knocks on your door too.

Then you mistakenly noticed the clock.

"Oh God Angus it's midnight?" I have a test in the morning." You slumped further down the wall you'd been leaning against, covering your head in your hands. "I was already prepared to fail, now I'm gonna be tired and stressed."

"Hey," Angus called, reaching out to pull your hands from your face. "Look, you either know it or you don't. No amount of studying or sleeping now is gonna help. You've already studied so much. I'm sure you'll do fine. Really!"

You sighed and said you knew he was right. But you couldn't understand why you felt so much more unsure than all of your other friends. You arguably studied hardest out of the five of you. You had the same goals. But Tom seemed so certain that his ten-year plan would work out, no matter any set backs. And Kiara was already accepted into her dream position. Angus never complained once about fearing a test or a grade. And Soren God bless him, took it day by day, but he was doing reasonably well for lack of planning. You voiced to Angus how it scared you that life didn't always turn out perfectly despite all your best efforts.

Your friend frowned, and seemed to struggle for a response. Maybe he was too drunk. Or maybe there just was no answer. With the shake of his dark curls Angus decided to wrap an arm around your shoulder. You felt him kiss the crown of your head, something he did when there was nothing left to say. No advice to give. But when he still wanted to show his support. His closeness was a comfort like no other. He knew just how to be near you. And then you realized he was right in a way, before. Angus was pretty good when it came to wordless connection.

As you realized this, you broke from your leaning against him to cast your eyes to his face. Angus blinked, letting his arm stay draped around you, letting his fingers draw patterns against your shoulder. His lips formed a small smile as Angus watched you consider his features. His eye's stayed easily peering into yours, and somehow it was like you really saw him for the first time.

"I'm afraid I believe you now." You huffed a humorless laugh, drunk enough to speak without thinking. And how Angus was quick enough to register what you meant, you didn't know. But you saw his eyes look into yours with an understanding you'd never uncovered in your three years of friendship. It might've given you a shiver up your spine. Or you might've just been that drunk. But the longer you looked into Angus' eyes and the quieter he remained, the faster your heart started beating. How much had you had to drink?

You couldn't tear your gaze from his, noticing his mouth begin to move to speak, but no words came. Maybe he stalled, or maybe he was still trying to find the right thing to say. Or maybe he was that drunk. But there was something happening to you that hadn't happened in the entirety of your knowing Angus. Your heart rate had never quickened, drunk or not, in his presence. Your mind had never gone so blank, staring into his eyes. You could've gotten into your head about it. But there was no time to think. Because all of a sudden, he was kissing you.

It seemed to come out of nowhere after all these years. But it seemed so obvious in the moment. His lips stalled on yours as his fingers moved to brush against your neck, the ghost of a clutch. It was as if he couldn't move until you pushed him away or kissed him back. You chose the latter.

You let your lips bruise into his. You let your hand fall above his knee. You let your fingers curl into a grip. And that seemed to give Angus the green light to really kiss you. His lips parted and his hand molded around the back of your neck and his other arm dared to encircle you. You let your free hand find his shoulder. As Angus flexed to pull you closer to him, you leaned in to kiss him fiercer, knocking the guy over in the process.

Angus let both his hands tangle in your hair as you kissed him against the bedroom floor. It seemed your hands and his moved without a thought or a care, aided by alcohol no doubt. Your fingers found themselves dancing along the hem of Angus t-shirt as his traveled to grab at your hips. The record that was playing was skipping and scratching, begging to be turned. But your every focus was on your very best friend right now, how far his tongue was down your throat, how much in a hurry you felt to tear his jeans off.

You couldn't believe how fast it was all happening. You couldn't quiet process that Angus slender fingers were creeping underneath your skirt. You couldn't seem to kiss him hard enough. It wasn't long before he rolled to pin you against the floor. It wasn't long before he was actually shagging you in the spare bedroom of your friend's townhome. Angus slammed his hips into yours and breathed hard against your neck. You let your nails dig into his shoulder blades as he finished, and strained to catch your breath as he collapsed at your side.

If you were confused about things before, you were confounded at this point. But it was one in the morning. And you had a test to take. And no time to think of anything else at all.

"I'm sorry for doubting you earlier." You broke the deafening silence in the room by turning to grin at Angus. He laughed, a real but breathy and exhausted chuckle. Silence settled in again, until you suggested getting up off the floor. At a languid pace, Angus moved to fasten his trousers, and stumbled into a crawl. You managed to move up right faster and decidedly dragged your friend toward the bed in the middle of the room. Sloshed and spent, you each fell asleep rather quickly. But you didn't drift off without a deepening storm of questions brewing in the back of your mind.

///

A knocking stirred you from dreaming. But the harsh early sun from the window caused your eyes to snap shut in a hurry. This bed wasn't yours. Angus was next to you. His curls tickling your cheek. His arm like a heavyweight across your stomach.

Despite the knocking, your eyes couldn't keep open. Your brain still clung to dreams.

You relished the way your friends body molded against yours. You struggled to recall the last time you felt so calm. So relaxed. It was too easy to fall asleep again.

And then you were shaken to reality once more.

"Wake up, please-" Angus was whispering your name with urgency. He wasn't at your side, not like before. He was standing. His arms no longer held you close. But his hand clutched your arm, and it stayed there as you sat up to meet his eyes. They were bloodshot. His brows were pushed in, darkening his gaze. His usual faint grin was turned into a frown.

Angus swallowed and dug his fingers into your shoulder.

"You gotta get up. Tom's dead."

///

Kiara was slumped against the kitchen table when Angus finally got you out of bed. You rushed to her side in a panic, as she kept her head down. Angus stalled near the entry way of the kitchen, hands on his head, breaking out into a pace.

Soren was hanging up the phone on the wall, he'd just called off work for the very first time ever. You wanted to tell him you were proud of him for not having done so sooner. But now wasn't the time. One of you was missing. And he wasn't coming back.

Kiara lifted her head from the table, her once pinned curls now disheveled. Her face was wet with tears as she sucked in a deep breath.

"Angus can you tell the strangers sleeping on my sofa to get the fuck out, please?" Kiara's voice was hoarse and worn. Soren sat across from you as Angus left the room on a mission, and you begged someone to tell you what the hell was going on.

Kiara said she opened her door to the police at five this morning. She was Tom's emergency contact, after all. She said he decided to walk home instead of crashing here. He only lived a block away. He should have made it. But he was drunk. And a pickup truck didn't hit their breaks in time. And just like that, none of it mattered. His bed was never slept in. His degree was never earned. His plans out the window. A fifth seat at the pub and dinner table permanently empty.

Angus returned to announce he'd gotten everyone to leave. But a well-meaning girl straggled in the kitchen behind him, asking the group of you if there was anything she could do for you. Angus turn to yell that she go like he so kindly asked her to in the first place. Soren started sobbing then, slumping from the chair at your side, his blonde locks weighing your lap down. You sat in shock, carding your fingers through his hair. You locked eyes with Angus across the room, watching the way his teeth dug into his lip to keep from crying. You had a lot to talk about. But now wasn't the time.

As you turned to look to Kiara, your eyes fell onto the clock.

"I- I have a test." Your voice cracked; a cry lodged in your throat that you weren't ready to let escape.

"What professor? I can help you get an extension, if you want?" Kiara sniffled.

"I... I don't want that. I want to get it over with. I don't want to leave here but I don't- I don't know."

"Hey, it's okay-" Kiara reached to rest her hand on your forearm. You struggled to breathe but kept rambling despite yourself.

"I don't want to put it off, I'll be way more stressed than I already am, but I don't want to leave here, Kiara..." You begged her to help you make sense out of your panic. That's what she was good at.

"It's okay." She demanded with authority, nodding to silence you. "Go take it. Come back when you're finished? I'd really like for us to all be together tonight." She sucked in a shaky breath and cast her gaze to Angus, who was nodding in agreeance. Soren lifted his head from your lap, face red and eyes glossy. He mentioned needing a change of clothes, barely able speak without breaking down again.

"I'll take you to campus." Angus gestured toward you. "And I'll grab your stuff, Soren. Stay with Kiara and we'll be back to help clean this shit up and decide what to do next." Angus asked where his friends dorm key was, decidedly designating himself the errand runner.

Kiara steadied her breathing and thanked him, Angus was always clear minded in crisis. Then she announced that she planned to call Tom's parents. If not to break the news to them before the police, then to find how the family planned to send him off.

Your beautiful hoarse voiced friend demanded you go do your best, as you stood to leave. You gave her a crooked grimace of a smile, every sense clouded with shock and confusion and dismay.

Angus followed you out to his car, where he drove you back to campus in complete silence. Neither of you said a word, neither of you made a sound. There was too much to talk about and not nearly enough of the right kind of time.

///

Finals Month

You failed that test. Miserably. Maybe you should have waited. But you knew the stress of waiting would've worn on you just as much as the shock had, the morning you took it. That night you spent at Kiara's was quiet.

That night you all let the sound of dinner cooking echo through the house. That night you all sat around the living room, trying not to fixate on the spot on the couch where Tom usually sat with his legs crossed. That night Angus held your hand, and the way it usually would've brought you comfort was then matched with conflict. Still, you watched as his fingers tapped against your knuckles and clung to his grip for all it was worth. Despite the way your nerves danced on end, you held his hand. Despite the missing friend, the rest of you sat together.

When you found out you failed the test the next day, you weren't surprised. But you were motivated to get more serious than ever. You only stopped studying the rest of the week, to make meals. And when you finished the first round of finals, you let dance class be your reward.

Kiara was there at the studio, but she wasn't dressed for it. She only wanted to wait up to give you a lift to the pub after, having called you all to plan a meeting this evening. As dancers flooded into the building, you thanked Kiara for coming to watch you, for being there somehow. You promised to dance hard enough for the both of you, that practice.

Then it was time to start the lesson, relishing the way the music pulsed through the floor. You'd never been so thankful for a hobby, it came just in time for you to clear your head. As you moved your body to the beat of some Bowie song, it wasn't like you were coming to any grand conclusions. But something about locking in and moving with the music made your mind stop racing all the while.

And then there was the part of you that savored the compliments you received when you landed a spin or were asked to offer instruction to others. You were really fucking good at this, and you knew it.

When class was over, you struggled to ride the high of the adrenaline dancing usually gave you. The music stopped and you had no reason left to pound your feet into the ground, nowhere left to direct your grief and sadness and worry. But then Kiara was boasting about how well you did and sing songing her familiar plea for you to try out for the European competition. The instructor overheard and walked up to encourage you all the same.

"You really should. Auditions are in a month." The teacher flashed you his coy smile, letting his hand rest on the small of your back. He was like that. But you didn't mind. The thrill you got from his compliments as a leader outweighed the way his flirting could sometimes make you cringe.

"I'll think about it!" You assured, giving Kiara the 'let's get out of here' look.

///

At your usual pub, Angus and Soren were sat in silence, each casting despondent glances toward the table. A chair was empty between them. Funny how hard this kept getting. How often you were reminded that Tom was gone, and how shuddering it was to realize he wasn't coming back. You didn't realize how slowly grief worked. How every new day a creeping mourning swallowed your mind more wholly than the last.

Once seated, you flagged down a waiter for some drinks and frowned when Soren asked how your class went. You didn't really want to talk about it. It didn't seem important at all, all you could think to mention in the company of your friends was how one was gone. Wasn't that so fucked up?

"His mom called today. She says the funeral is tomorrow." Kiara came right out with it, causing everyone to cast their eyes toward her. She hadn't mentioned the phone call she had with Tom's parents when you all reconvened that night. No one had said much of anything at all, that night.

"What the fuck?" Soren spat. Tom was from Alaska. None of you had time to plan to be at a funeral in Alaska in less than 24 hours.

"This morning, she told me they had family in town for some other reason. And want to just 'get it over with' so, fuck us, I guess." Kiara released a shaky breath, turning to thank a waiter who slid glasses onto your high-top table.

"We can do something for him, just us." Angus spoke up, arms crossed tight around his body. He looked up for the first time since you got here and looked right at you. You smiled, glad to see him, content with his latest idea. Angus smiled back and kept his steady brown eyed gaze on yours. And for one fleeting moment you forgot you were being swallowed whole by sadness. But just a moment.

"Yeah. We should have a memorial. Anything you want me to bring?" Soren sat up, nodding over and over at the idea, glad for a progressive plan in his friend's honor.

"A bunch of fuckin' weed. It's what he would've wanted." Kiara laughed. And so did the rest of you.

The rest of the hour you spent drinking was full of a little more hope than any of you had felt in the past few days. You managed a few laughs from each other in the midst of planning a memorial. Through giggles, you all strived to turn conversation lighter. There was an unspoken chugging toward ending your hang out on the semblance of a high note. And you understood why. But something felt so wrong about laughing. Something felt so shameful about droning on about school, with each other. Didn't they feel that? How couldn't they? Would bringing this up kill the mood for better, or for worse?

You didn't know how to conduct yourself the longer you thought about it. Suddenly the whole world and the meaning of life stretch out before you and started to muddle together to fill you with dread.

"Hey." Angus voice was closer than before. You realized your friends were all getting up, and the dark eyed boy was standing beside the stool you sat in. "Hey, come on." Angus rose his finger to your temple and gave it a couple taps. That meant it was time to focus on something else entirely. Time to get out of your head. You nodded and stood to join him as he walked, watching the others head into the foggy night, holding the door open for you.

"It's the last Friday of the month you know." Angus spoke to you gently, his reminder catching you off guard. You didn't really know what to expect, from Angus now. You didn't really know what you expected from yourself, either.

"Oh, yeah."

"Do you... want me to come over?" He seemed to worry. The lanky brunet shifted the weight between his feet and let either of his eyes dart between yours. You saw his breath in the fog of the misty evening. You couldn't imagine ever telling him no.

"It's the last Friday of the month. You always come over. I just... almost forgot this time." You admitted. There had been a lot going on. And you hadn't really been paying attention to the calendar.

"Did you... forget? Or..."

"I forgot. Come on, let's go." You spoke confidently because you were telling the truth. But you realized what he'd alluded to... having recently fucked without acknowledging it in anyway. And you were not ready to have that conversation.

Angus rose his brows, shrugged his shoulders and decidedly stepped in time with you. You'd hoped he'd start talking about something else. But he didn't. He let an awkward silence weigh itself between you as he drove you to your dorm. Angus didn't speak the whole ride there. And neither did you. But he drove you home, and followed you in. And that counted for something, right?

Silence followed you each to the sofa, where you sat on the edge, staring at the blank telly screen.

"Should we watch something?" Angus finally called, leaned back against your decorative pillows with his arms crossed tight.

"I dunno." You realized. It was later than usual. Your roommate was asleep. You weren't sure how to act, alone with Angus now.

"Put on an album, maybe?" He suggested. His voice sounded light years away. And you couldn't figure out if it was because he was sat so far back. Or if he was upset with you. Or if you were simply starting to lose your mind.

"I dunno." You repeated. The upsettingly familiar weight of silence crept between the pair of you once more for what felt like a lifetime.

"We really should talk about it. Shouldn't we?" Angus spoke up, voice breaking up your minds spiral of thoughts that had been getting you nowhere.

You truly didn't know. There was too much happening you hadn't had time to process. A thousand new truths and realities danced around your brain, seeping down to quicken your heart rate. Even if you should've, you couldn't talk without crying. You actually couldn't help that tears started to pool in your eyes now, feeling demanding to free itself from within you.

Your elbows met your knees and your hands blocked out the light of the room. You tried to steady your breathing with a deep intake of air. But cries were all that released out, despite your attempt to bay your overwhelm.

You felt him shift at your side. Angus was up. You sat trying to pull yourself together as you heard Angus move about the room. Suddenly you sensed the telly was switched on and the lights were off.

"I'm sorry. Come here. I'm sorry." Angus called, his weight shifting the sofa once more. "We'll just watch whatever is on. I'm sorry." His hands grabbed to move you back toward him. Angus pulled you to rest at his side, and you couldn't help but accept the invitation. You rose your feet from the floor and buried yourself beside him, sniffling away your tears. Angus held you tighter than you ever recalled him having done before. Angus carded his fingers through your hair, and apologized again. Wasn't this enough? You wondered. Couldn't the pair of you just settle together without words? The more intently you latched against his form, the more purposefully Angus seemed to hold you. Wasn't that all either of you needed to know right now?

But he wouldn't stop apologizing.

"It's okay." You replied, pulling your face away from Angus' shoulder to meet his eye. Your friend wore a look of consternation, jaw clenched, brows furrowed. There was clearly so much he wanted to say. But he didn't. He just shook his head of curls, and pressed his lips together, casting his eyes to his lap. You brought a set of fingers to his jaw, turning his head to face yours.

"I promise, it's okay." You said again, nodding and letting your thumb brush across the apple of his cheek. You watched your friend of many years debate saying what was clearly on the tip of his tongue. You waited for Angus to stop shaking his head and just come out with it already. He'd been wondering if you should talk. And if he wanted too, he should've. Right?

"I just... I really want to kiss you again." Angus said, like he was certain to be condemned for admitting so. You felt your mouth try to grin despite the way your lips anxiously pursed. You watched the way Angus searched your expression for any kind of reaction. But you didn't give him much time before you leaned in to brush your lips against his. This kiss was delicate. This kiss was slow. Your hands did not wander. But you each shared the moment earnestly, for reasons you still weren't ready to uncover.

When Angus stalled to break your connection, he stayed close. His gaze was steady on your lips, as if he were trying to figure out why they were just pressed against his own. But you just couldn't talk about it tonight. So instead, it was your turn to pull Angus close, as you leaned back into the pile of throw blankets. You held Angus' head of curls against your chest as he decidedly let himself relax there.

You didn't know what show was playing. You didn't know what time it was, or when you both fell asleep. You didn't hear Angus leave the next morning. And you didn't know what you were going to do about the way his leaving broke your heart a little more than it'd already had been.

///

You spent the weekend working. Cleaning houses a couple days a week was enough to keep money in your pockets, especially if you had appointments in the rich neighborhoods. You blasted music through each house, and scrubbed to the beat. Like dancing, this was therapy. Every time you remembered Tom was dead, you'd scoured the grout a little harder. Every time you remembered the way Angus dug his fingers into your hips, and how much you liked it, you vacuumed with more gusto. Every time you remembered how poorly the results of your latest finals had been, you turned up the music.

Then came the memorial your friends set up.

It was perfect. You burned a fire in the pit out back, shared a couple joints, and went through old pictures. Each photo unlocked a memory someone had a story about. Kiara found a few flowers to plant around the evergreen near the corner. Flowers that would grow back every year. For Tom. Angus didn't say much that night. And you didn't either. And you could tell the other two noticed.

///

"Claire is finally completely moved in!" Kiara chirped. She sat across the dance floor with you, stretching her fingers to meet the tips of her toes. The townhouse she bought with her cousin in mind was finally home sweet home for both girls. "You'll have to meet her! Angus and Soren already have, I called them to help move a few heavier things."

"Yeah, sounds good." You struggled to respond, only half listening. Your brain was busy focusing on the way your body worked to stretch out every imperfection, every negative thought and feeling. But the way Kiara called your name next forced your undivided attention.

"Look, I get that things have been fucked up recently. You know I know that." Your friends voice shook a little, and a pain rang through your chest at the sound. She lost a friend too. "But you've been especially weird. What's going on, huh?" Kiara sounded almost angry. But then you recognized it was simply hurt spilling over. And you'd been caught. And you couldn't brush her off. Not when she was looking at you like that.

"It's just..." You breathed in, struggling to know where to start, totally unprepared to have been put on the spot here at the studio. And then your instructor was calling everyone to get ready for class. Thank God.

"Later, okay?" You stood, extending a hand for Kiara to grab. She did so and shrugged her way to the middle of the dance floor with a puzzled expression ever glued on you. And that's how it stayed all night. She watched your face for a crack in its resolve. You just danced. You turned every 'what if' away from your mind and let the music flood your system. You ignored Kiara's curious glances and danced like your life depended on it.

When the hour was up and the group was heading out, Kiara made a beeline for you. But so did your instructor.

"Stay later?" He beamed, nodding your way as he walked off, having already decided for you it seemed.

"I can wait up for you!" Kiara lifted her brows in a hopeful manner, stalling to put her shoes back on.

"I don't know how long I'll be." You realized. Halfway trying to get her to give up, and halfway telling the truth. You knew Kiara was simply trying to check in with you. But if you hadn't even been ready to talk to Angus about everything, it sure didn't feel right to bring it all up to Kiara on a whim.

"I don't mind waiting. We could go for drinks or something. I just think-"

"Kiara... no. Please, I honestly can't do this tonight. Not with you." You spoke a little too quickly, a little too fiercely. You immediately regretted shutting her out as the words spilled from your mouth. And then you watched your friends face turn into a grimace.

"Don't be cunty to me when all I'm trying to do is be there for you." Kiara spat back before bending down to pick up her shoes.

"Ki, I'm sorry-" You hurried to plea as she began to turn for the door.

"I'll call you when I'm less pissed off." She waved her hand for you to stay back, to stop following her toward the door. As she began to push out of the exit, she stalled to turn back and say one last thing. "No, actually, you need to call me when you get over yourself." And with that she was gone. And she was right. But you had absolutely no time to process that interaction before your instructor was snapping for your attention.

"You girls seem close." The man teased with a twisted sort of smile. You let out a huff of a laugh, uncertain how to otherwise respond to this man you knew absolutely nothing about outside of his dance credentials. He could kick higher than anyone you knew. And he always got a little too into the salsa, no matter his partner.

"Anyway, you know we're all dying for you to nail next month's audition for the traveling team. I wanted to share some pointers with you, if you're serious about try outs?" The man reveled, smiling as he waited for you to respond. The studio was so quiet without the chatter from the others. Without the thuds from their feet parading across the floor.

"Yeah, that would be so generous of you." You nodded. With your finals having gone horrifically so far, your newly forming plan was to nail this audition, hedge your bets on your newfound talent to land you a decent career while you were young and able.

For the next half hour, as Chopin's Nocturne No. 2 filled the room, your instructor was straightening your posture after spins. You ignore the way his hands lingered at the bend of your waist. He watched you glide from one movement to the next, praising what you got right and coming over to correct your mistakes. He turned your head in the right direction. He moved your arms to fan out more evenly. He let his fingers trail across your spine as he rambled about how important visible strength was to the judges.

"You'll want to be certain of your timing. And you'll have to be confident in every little flex of your finger." The man hummed, "But if you're looking to nail down a yes for your audition now," He said, reaching out to move you a little too forcefully toward your mark, his grasp remaining. "There is one thing you could do."

Oh hell no.

"Fuck you." You hissed, shoving the instructor's hands away from your hips and shuddering at the realization of his implication. Watching the man's face fall into a frown when he realized you couldn't be so easily persuaded gave you a new set of chills.

"Let me be frank. If you don't sleep with me, I won't vote for you, and you need each judges vote to get in." As he spoke, he reached a bold hand toward you. There was no question in your mind to hesitate before you extended your own set of digits to slap across his face.

"How fucking dare you." You spat, moving in a hurry to collect your things. Your shoes were still off and you dropped your sweater on your way out the door. But there was no chance in hell you were turning back for it. All you could do was sprint toward the main road, desperate for a cab.

This was all so fucked. You felt like you had absolutely nothing left to hold out hope for. You were failing school. You were pretty certain you'd ruined things with Angus because of a stupid drunken hook up. Kiara was pissed at you. Tom was dead. And you just had your only outlet for all this shit ruined by that creep of an instructor.

You couldn't stop thinking of the last thing you heard Tom declare. How he was so ready to graduate and get the cat he'd always wanted and a job of his dreams. How he had it all planned out, and how you knew it'd been going well enough to likely come together the way he'd hoped. But it was all for nothing. And here you were, living some actual Shakespearean level nightmare. Why were you the one spared by fate? The one without a stich of the future figured out for the better. It wasn't fucking fair, for you to keep this farce of a life in crippled traction. It wasn't fair for Tom to be dead. You couldn't even successfully catch a cab. The road was bare of traffic.

But you weren't left stomping down the pavement long before a set of headlights blinded your vision.

"What the hell are you doing?" Soren's recognizable lilt came booming from beyond his cranked down pickup window. You stopped in your tracks, squinting to see his car stalling near the sidewalk just before you. "Get in here!"

You weren't going to argue, this late, this cold. You must've looked a sight, shoeless and tear stained. Soren's passenger seat was cluttered, but it didn't take him long to toss the books and papers to the back seat.

"Where the fuck are you coming from? Why are you crying?"

"Cause life is fucked up Soren." You sniffled, finally putting your shoes on. Your friend started to drive off then, but wouldn't stop asking what happened or if you were okay.

"I'm fine. Thank you for the rescue."

He explained that he was coming home from work. He asked if he should take you home, or to Angus' dorm. And that made a new spring of angry hot tears pool in your gaze. It was all you could do to breathe steadily, before shaking away your emotion to finally answer your friend.

"I'm so sorry. It's just been a really shit day. And that's really saying something lately isn't it?" You laughed, despite yourself, and so did Soren. Though his eyes stayed curiously drifting from the road to your slump to the right of him.

"Kiara and I had a weird fight. And then I quit dance class. And I left my favorite sweater there." You whined, ultimately deciding you owned someone an explanation. And Soren had already accepted you in his ride in your sorry state.

"We can turn back! Do you want to get-"

"No." You demanded. "The instructor guy is a creep. I never want to see him again. And I don't want to see Angus. I just want to go home. Please."

Soren spoke your name lowly, begging to know more. But you couldn't. You just shook your head and thanked your friend again for the lift.

///

Claire

Kiaras cousin was a tall, sharp-witted model of a lawyer. She sat way to close to Angus on the loveseat, knees brushing. And he laughed way too hard at her jokes. It made you sick to watch the pair of them chuckle over a bottle of wine. What could they possibly have to laugh about? He was a brooding stick figure of a college student. And she was this blonde bombshell of an older woman. The pair of them colluding didn't make sense to you.

With the roll of your eye's you fled the living room for the kitchen, finding Kiara. She'd just finished perfecting another well made dinner.

"Hey." You cautioned meekly, finding your friend shutting the oven door. The room was warm from the heat of the appliance. The air was thick with the scent of spices and herbs. Kiara turned to you with a faint smile, stalling for you to do the talking. And you knew you needed to.

"I'm really sorry I never called, like you asked. And I'm sorry for being so nasty that night." You frowned, meaning every word. You hated that your upset had spilled out into sharp words Kiara never should've received.

"I'm sorry I called you cunty." Your friend shrugged before letting out a small chuckle. "But you can't keep shutting us out, babe."

Kiara's statement caught you off guard. You hadn't really realized that's what you'd been doing. But it was. You still hadn't given Angus any chance to talk. You yelled at Kiara when she asked what was wrong. And you brushed off Soren's concern when he gave you a lift home. But then a sudden irritation rose within you.

"I guess I don't know what there is to say that you all don't already know. I guess I don't understand why Angus is laughing in the living room and why we're all pretending to have a nice dinner like everything is fine when it isn't."

"We're all still hurting," Kiara spoke your name, imploring for you to hear her. "What's so hard to understand about wanting to achieve some levity together?" Kiara sounded angry again, angrier than you. Angry at you.

"Why can't you let me be upset?" You quizzed, chest hot with misunderstanding.

"Why can't you let me move on?" Kiara demanded to know, voice full of emotion.

Just then Soren breezed in, setting his bag of comic books and weed on the kitchen island, asking how he could help set up for dinner. Kiara asked him to grab everyone drinks. Then she told you to carry out a pan of food to the table. Her tone was short and she wouldn't look you in the eye. You did as she asked, anger bubbling and brewing deeper in the pit of your stomach all the while.

You ate dinner, asking Claire about Chicago. You pretended not to grimace at the sound of her shrill run on sentences. You reminded yourself your upset shouldn't be directed at this poor stranger of a woman. But it was hard not to seethe when she was sat in the fifth seat at the table. You and Soren each shared a glance or two of annoyance at Claire's hogging the nights conversation.

When she wasn't speaking, Angus was asking her more questions. You watched him hang on her every word. You kept hoping he'd turn and give you those looks. You watched his fingers drum on the table, and wished his hands were holding yours. You realized then, just exactly how fucked you were. And how no matter when or how you had the inevitable conversation with Angus- that everything was different now between you two. When he started rambling about his thesis having something to do with ancient Roman law, you excused yourself again.

Thinking fast, you gathered everyone's finished dinner plates to take to the sink, the perfect leave. Your anger dissolved into exhaustion by the time you reached the kitchen, you were getting a little sick of your own bullshit. You were growing weary over how out of control your life and emotions seemed these days.

As you arranged the dirty dishes in the sink, something caught your eye from beyond the patio door windows. Through the never-ending fog of this San Fransico spring, a small grey blur. You turned your attention fully to the backyard, beyond the firepit, past the chairs. A slender grey cat was biting at the flowers Kiara planted for Tom.

"Uh, guys." You called out for someone else to come and see this because there was no way they'd believe you if you simply told them. "Guys you have to come see this." You called again, a laughter breaking up your announcement.

"What's wrong?" Angus came sauntering in, you heard him, but you didn't dare turn from the sight of the animal in the backyard. "Oh... my God." Angus approached, stalling at your side near the patio doors. He let out a chuckle too, disbelief painting a smile across his face that reached his almond eyes. You turned to look right at him. And he turned to look right at you. And for a moment you weren't sure what sight dazzled you more. The others came rushing in, pointing and laughing and standing in awe before the patio doors. The laughter that was born from shock kept erupting more and more between the four of you, until Soren was howling, and Angus was coughing and Kiara was nearly breathless.

"I don't get it. What's funny?" Claire asked, looming near the kitchen island with a look of perturbed wonder. Maybe Kiara was right. It was time to let some kind of light in.

///

"Open the dooooooor." Angus whined from outside your dorm, chanting the same thing over as you rushed to hide paper in your hands. It was a letter from your university.

You failed your finals. You failed this entire semester.

Shoving the letter between your mattress and box spring, you clamored to unlock the door, letting your best friend inside.

"Geeze, do you really have to lock all three locks on your door? I stood there freezing for hours it felt like, coulda died in that hallway."

"For somebody who came from a winter state you sure have a shit tolerance for temperature." You joked. But it had been a chilly spring. "I'm not taking my chances with the serial killers and the impatient East Coasters."

Angus stood with his hands in his jacket pockets and that familiar brooding smirk on his face you were so damn endeared to. His smile was always a good sign. But still, you were suspicious of your friend's presence, still on uncertain terms.

"Want to come do laundry with me?"

Finally, something normal. A usual request from Angus. A routine you could follow without question or wonder. Just a couple of spin cycles and whatever bullshit you each thought up to ramble over to pass the time. With a nod you grabbed your hamper and followed Angus to his car. The laundromat was a five-minute drive, one you spent turning the radio dials while Angus bitched about traffic.

Inside the laundromat, rows of machines lined the walls and only a couple patrons stood separating whites from darks and folding fresh sheets. Some folk songs crackled from the speakers, but the whir of the dryers and washers drowned out the guitars. You each got down to business; loading your clothes into separate machines and lingering to wait on one another to head across the street. A diner waited, windows flooded with flyers and adds.

Angus got you each a coffee and you ordered some fries. He mentioned going with Soren to a wedding in New York in a couple weeks. Yammering about summer plans. Angus considered the idea of tracking down his old professor when they got over there. You listened. You said you didn't have any plans. You clawed through topics in your head to keep up the facade of normalcy. But nothing could stop the silence that branched from the space in between you and your very best friend. You watched his lanky finger steal a fry from your basket without asking. You sat biting your lip instead of reprimanding him.

"I took Claire on a date. Two nights ago."

You nearly choked on the coffee you sipped to suppress your jitters.

"Claire?" You rang, shooting Angus a look of disbelief.

"I really like her. And she somehow really likes me." Angus reasoned, holding out a hand as if to pass along this information. You sat, playing back his sentence over and over in your head. Playing back the way they laughed together the night you met her. She seemed nice enough... But...

"I was going to wait and ask you... I don't know, for permission, I guess? But then I kind of figured if you wanted to talk about what happened with us, you would have by now. So that must mean you don't have anything to say, right? So, I asked Claire on a date. But then I felt like a real asshole about not telling you. So this is me... asking one last time. Do you want to talk about it? Do you care?" Angus ended his rambling admission by boring his dark eyes right into yours, and waiting.

You sat, playing his words over and over. You sat remembering the warmth that filled your every cell when he first kissed you. You sat remembering how he said he wanted to do it again. You sat wondering why the fuck your body and your brain refused to function as a team, failing you from opening your mouth at all now. But if you couldn't do it... maybe Angus could.

"Do you? Care?" You dared to quiz the guy, your eyes darting between his, searching for understanding.

"Wha- Why do-" Angus stuttered, his already furrowed gaze growing more perturbed by the second. "Are you listening? Do you hear me at all? I need to know how you feel." Angus leaned against the sticky table, as if his intense eye contact would get the answer he wanted out of you.

"I hear you." You breathed, nerves buzzing across your entire being.

"But are you listening?"

"I can't stop you, Angus!" You finally burst. Anger pushed itself through your body until words formed against your better judgment. "If she makes you happy go for it. Hell, bring her over for dinner next Friday. It's the last one of the month."

Your friend sat obviously perplexed across from you. It was like he wanted you to tell him not to do it. But you couldn't stop Angus from living his life. You barely had control over your own these days. All you could muster up the ability to speak was a weak approval, despite the way your heart descended to your stomach.

///

"Here you are, dude." Soren handed you a coffee with a proud grin, like it was the first one he'd ever made. Your friend should've been proud, you ventured. His free spirit got the better of him years before now. He seemed to be finding his groove.

"Thanks sir. How'd you do on finals?" You really wanted to know his answer, knowing he'd worked so hard this year. Soren said he passed with flying colors. You said you knew he would. He said they'd all gotten together at Kiara's to celebrate. He said the cat came back. He said he really didn't think Angus and Claire made a good match at all. He wondered why you weren't there.

"I guess I wasn't invited. I haven't been a very good friend to Ki, lately." You shrugged. You knew you'd found yourself in this position by your own faults. But it still stung to know they'd gathered without you.

"Oh. I thought it was an Angus thing." Soren shrugged. "He was real nervous about how you'd react to his asking Claire out and all."

"Yeah." You responded, searching Soren's gaze and watching him realize another customer was coming in. He smiled a sweet smile and hurried over to his register, giving you a wave from there. You shouted a 'see ya' on your way out.

///

You slaved over your stove the night Claire was meant to join your monthly get together. This all felt like a very bad idea. But Angus was your best friend. And you really did want to support him in whatever steps he put an effort into taking, in life.

Granted the two weeks they had been together were the longest of your college career. Tom was still dead, and Kiara was still cold with you. She let you come over and accepted your apologies. But she remained despondent the whole time you stayed, clearly in her head about things. But you understood what that was like. And weren't keen to push her further.

Then your guests were here. And you felt even more like this was a very bad idea. But you played off your anxieties by deciding to pretend to be the best damn host on this side of the campus. You served Claire first and kept her glass of wine full and asked all about her life. Angus passed you several tight lipped smiles and subtle thank yous. You'd never met any girl he'd ever taken out. There had been a few, but none stuck around long enough.

You could tell Claire really liked Angus. And he definitely deserved to be adored in the way the brilliant blonde was willing to adore him. But there was just something that undeniably clashed about their pairing. Maybe it was the fact she was a few years older, sleeker, more mature. Maybe it was how callow Angus seemed at her side. Or maybe it was just you.

When the night winded down and the girl offered to help you clean up, Angus went to the bathroom. And that's when a certain veil lifted. The pantomime of the evening enjoyed its intermission when Claire toted in a couple empty glasses to your sink.

"I don't think I like you very much." She came right out with it. And not in a vindictive tone either. Just an honest one, and you respected that.

"I see." You straightened your posture.

"I mean, you seem nice enough but... I don't like you around Angus. I'm sure if I ask, you'll lie but, have you two... ever..." The woman lifted a brow, drying off a couple plates as you rinsed some others. Passing a couple utensils through the water, you considered very carefully how to respond.

"Why should it matter? If nothing ever came of it?" You quizzed, shrugging your shoulders. The blonde at your side heaved a sigh through a gentle smile, continuing to help you clean up.

"Well, at least you didn't lie."

Angus swooped into the room soon after, suggesting it was time for himself and his date to take their leave. After a few minutes of pleasantries, they started out. But not before Angus flashed you an expressive lift of his brow, curl of his lip, as Claire turned to leave. He asked so much in that one glance, a talent of his you'd always been fascinated by.

You flashed him a wide eye'd shake of your head, there was quite literally no time to talk about everything that had just happened tonight. But you hoped your face said it all just as well.

///

Soren sat across from you, hunched over his homemade lunch. You ordered a coffee from him before he took his break and scurried out to the tables to join you for a bit.

You swatted a strand of long sandy hair away from his meal and asked how he'd been. He mentioned being glad school was over for a bit. He mentioned the cat that kept showing back up at Kiara's patio door. He was convinced it was Tom, coming to visit. He knew it was crazy to think it, but he swore by his belief. He said Kiara thought he was nuts for it. He said she'd been grumpy lately anyway, cold. You selfishly hoped this meant she wasn't exclusively upset permanently with you. That she was just going through it.

"And don't even get me started on Angus and Claire." Soren scoffed, taking a bite of lunch.

"Oh, please get started."

"She's so possessive. Protective I could understand but she's possessive to a fault. He can't even bring up girls he works with, without Claire coming unglued."

Well, that explained why you hadn't heard from your very best friend in a couple very long weeks. You phoned him the day after that fateful dinner. He never answered or returned the call. You hadn't even seen his car on the campus lot, as it began to empty out. Summer had officially begun, and most everyone was graduated or off coping with the last semester before the next one kicked off.

"He says hi, by the way." Soren rolled his eyes. "Shouldn't have to be the damn messenger. Jealousy confounds me." Your friend flared his nostrils and shook his head before taking another bite of his sandwich. You couldn't help but chuckle at your usually laid-back friend's fiery disposition.

"Thanks for filling me in. Wanna share some of that cookie?" You shrugged, changing the subject. There was nothing you could do to change the way things were. There was nothing more to say. You were beginning to cope with the fact that the morning Tom died, everything changed. Everyone was different for better or for worse. Life was different now. And you were beginning to cope with that fact.

///

Today was the day of auditions. You sure as hell were not about to show up and dance. But you couldn't stop staring at your calendar- and the note you'd left there ages ago to remind yourself about try outs. A fleeting wonder crossed you mind, about showing up anyway. A fleeting consideration pressed with in you, for the outcome if you were to dance your ass off to try and earn a spot you knew you'd never land- just to have the last laugh.

When the phone started to ring, your roommate answered. But it wasn't long until she was twirling the cord closer to you, heading to take over the sofa.

"You have a competition or something today, don't you?" Angus voice crackled through the telephone line. You leaned against the kitchen counter, eyes still glued to your calendar, and huffed a laugh. What an unexpected voice to hear, cutting through your what if's, today.

"No I uh, I changed my mind." You revealed. You hadn't told anyone what happened, not really. You felt like you had more pressing issues to consider, back then. And now you weren't sure if any of it still mattered or not.

"Oh." Angus replied in a shock that nearly took you by surprise. "Well in that case, want to go see a movie?"

He was outside your dorm honking ten minutes later.

"I'm putting my shoes on, Geeze!" You hollered out the window. Angus yelled for you to hurry up, laying on his horn all over again. Your roommate started yelling soon after, demanding you get the hell out before Angus honking drove her bonkers.

"It's not my fault you called me so last minute!" You shouted, jogging to hop in his passenger seat.

"It starts in like four minutes!" Angus whined to your amazement. He was such a pain in the ass sometimes. But then you smiled and realized that you hadn't been worried about something so trivial concerning Angus in a couple months. You'd missed the hell out of this. But... why was it happening now?

"Why did you call me to invite me to a movie if you thought I had a competition today?"

"I called to wish you luck. And to apologize for not calling sooner. I've been pretty confused."

"Soren told me Claire's been a bit... territorial. You know that night at dinner while you were in the bathroom she told me she didn't like me?" You sighed a humorless laugh.

"Yeah." Angus scoffed a hopeless chuckle, breaking the speed limit all the while. You cursed at him to slow down before he went on to say, "She gave me an ear full that night too. And I wanted to respect her worries, ya know? Show her she had nothing to worry about. But then her worries turned into accusations, and the past two weeks have been constant interrogations with her. So, I broke up with her last night."

"Oh my God?"

Somehow, you actually didn't see that coming. Not so soon, anyway. Not so abruptly. While there wasn't much new information to process, the news still made your brain whir. A few billion what if's and what now's bubbled into the back of your mind while you realized the turn your evening had taken.

"I'm sorry she was rude to you. And I'm sorry I've been distant." Angus furrowed his brow and lowered his tone, speaking very seriously now. All the while he whipped his car into the movie theater parking lot and turned off the engine. "Now get out, we've already missed the previews. this is a Burt Renyolds film we're dealing with, go, go!"

"Oh my God, okay!" You hurried, slamming the car door shut. "No. Hey! Slow down it is not that serious." You remarked, following orders but refusing to jog at the speed Angus darted toward the theater doors.

Two tickets to The Longest Yard and one massive bucket of popcorn later, you were back to normal. Angus settled at your side and swatted at your hand when you reach for the popcorn at the same time as him. You plucked a kernel to toss at him in offense. He sighed and lifted a couple pieces to your lips as a silent apology. You chuckled and relaxed and thanked God for the turn of events.

You learned not to take it for granted. It could very well be the last evening of its kind you got to share with Angus. Death and dates and all kinds of reasons kept getting in the way of normalcy for the pair of you. Maybe that's what adulthood was. Maybe that was life. But so was this. And for that you were grateful.

The ride home was short, and filled with chatter about the film. And when Angus pulled into an actual covered parking space instead of haphazardly in front of your building; you felt hopeful that meant he would stick around.

"Wanna come in for a bit?" You offered, glad for the way you'd been able to banter so easily tonight. Longing to stretch out your visit, craving connection with Angus for longer than a few weeks now.

"I gotta meet up with Claire to give her some stuff back. I owe her that much." Angus stretched out his words, leaning his head against the back of the seat, turning to give you a sorry smile. You could tell he didn't want to go, not really. But he was right.

"I've just really missed you." You decidedly shrugged, looking right at him. Not even just the way he touched you that night. But his well-meaning laugh and his stories about what he'd been reading. His looks for you to decode across rooms. Him.

Angus nodded, that brooding grin of his forming across his features. He reached a hand across the bench of his front seat, tracing a finger against your thigh. You watched his hand ghost to stall on your knee- before you held out a slacked arm, scooting closer all the while. You needed him to wrap his arms around you, no matter what that meant. No matter what he felt when he did it. You needed him to.

And he did. Angus welcomed your embrace with his own, holding you tight in place for a moment before his head buried into the crook of your neck. You weren't even thinking when you moved your hands to brush his hair back. Angus moved as you did, his hold on you stayed steady, but his eye blinked up to meet yours.

And then you realized it was happening again. Your heart began to hammer, you knew he could feel it. Your brain buzzed with thoughts of only Angus. Your eye's longed to gaze more intently into his. Your hands wandered to consider the curve of his spine, the strength of his core.

"I've missed you too." Angus whispered, as his arms loosened, his hands trailing to the bend of your waist.

The kiss that followed was fierce. Your teeth clashed with Angus' and your breath caught in your throat. His fingers gripped to grab at your shirt, yanking you toward him. Your knees settled on either side of his hips. Your nails scratched along his torso before landing on his belt. It was just like before, neither of you could move fast enough. Every move seemed detrimental. But no touch lingered long enough to drive you crazy. You wouldn't let it. You needed to get to the point.

Angus picked up on your desperate pace, aiding in undoing his belt while his lips brushed along your neck. A quick shuffle of fabric was the last step to take before you were easing into Angus' lap completely as possible. You were sober enough this time to think to lock eyes as you rocked against him, shivering at the sight of Angus slack jawed enjoyment.

He let one hand brush across your cheek as his other clawed at your thigh, pulling you close as possible. You watched in awe as Angus stuttered a curse. You moved with intention, and he did too. Trailing his fingers from your face, to your chest, to the very middle of you- adding immensely to your pleasure. It was your turn to stammer curses and struggle to catch a steady breath. It wasn't long before you both reached your peak. But it felt like forever. It felt like all of time and space had collided to stall, as you shagged Angus in the front seat of his car. You relished every flame of feeling. You savored the way his eyes stayed locked with yours. You reveled in the smile that turned to corners of his lips upward. You had really missed him.

Quiet filled the car as you slinked up and away, falling into a puddle nearer the passenger seat. Angus cleared his throat, moving to fasten his trousers.

"Now what?" He asked in a hush.

"You gotta go. Right?" You shrugged. That was that. Right?

///

The Summer

Kiara followed her internship to Canada for the season. Tom was still dead. You had no dance class. You had just failed your semester. Angus and Soren had left for some wedding in New York. Not that their absence mattered much anyway. Because your best friend hadn't spoken to you since the spontaneous movie night. Since the second more profound and regrettable hook up. Not that you wished you never done it. But that you wished you would have said something different when it was over. Something that didn't make Angus jaw clench as he watched you get out of his car.

Several days passed since you'd heard from Angus. Despite the few times you'd called and the once you'd turned up at his dorm only for his roommates to shrug and say he'd been out all night. Then it was time for the New York trip.

And it seemed unstoppable, the call from your bed to stay there. You had no reason at all to get up. You had nothing to do. Nothing to think about. For days you stayed locked up in your room, completely despondent to any and everything.

Then your roommate knocked persistently enough to stir you from your den. She mentioned her flight for Japan was in a couple hours and asked for a ride to the airport. Your bones ached to move, your brain longed for a fresher perspective. So, you decidedly ended your wallowing in your own despair to slip into a change of clothes and drive to the airport.

The drive was refreshingly quiet. The blue of the sky and the air through the windows made you feel free. Made you realize you were not as trapped in that little campus as you felt. Your roommate had been fiddling with the radio dial as you'd considered the great big world beyond her dodge dart.

"Oh my God, hey!" Your roommate chirped over the crackle of a news anchors morning announcements of weather and traffic conditions. "Today is your birthday, isn't it?"

"Holy shit." You realized. "It is." you'd been so lost in the cave you created out of bed sheets that you'd almost lost track of time. Your roommate proceeded to shower you with well wishes, asking if you had any plans.

You did. Earlier in the year, Angus talked you into going out on this date, having a ball. When you'd each gone through the calendar at the start of the year, you realized each of your birthdays were on the last Friday of either month. Angus said that was too crazy to be a coincidence. He said you needed to make the most of these celebrations. But that was back when things were different.

"Not sure. After I drop your car off, I'll see where the day takes me."

"About that." Your roommate proceeded to inform you that she wasn't just visiting Japan. She'd decided last minute to move there, start anew. She had a fiancé and a place to go, and an abundance of plans. She wondered if you could leave her car for sale in the school lot and mail her the money. Lots of favors from this one today, you thought. But then...

"How much?" You wondered. Your roommate rambled about how much she paid for it, thinking of selling it for half the price now.

"I'll buy it." You blurted, surprising yourself even. You'd had funds saved up now with nothing to spend them on. You may as well had started thinking of your new path forward.

"Oh, that's right," Your roommate realized you'd been without your own transportation for a while now, and said she felt silly for not thinking to offer it to you right away. Once stalled outside the airport you wondered how much money you stashed in your wallet, finding only a couple hundred dollars. Your roommate stuck her hand out as you passed her the bills, but you were shocked when she handed you most of it back.

"Happy birthday, and thanks for the ride. It was nice bunking with you!"

In the span of a thirty-minute ride you'd been shown a kindness that filled your heart. You'd considered new sets of hope you'd never knew existed. You saw the sun. You gained a car. You turned another year older.

Driving back to campus, dread threatened to overcome you once more. But it was your birthday damn it. You had to find some way to keep yourself from slipping back into that bed of yours.

To the cafe, it was. And to your surprise, Soren was there.

"Happy birthday!" Soren smiled, arms opened wide behind the counter of his job. You chuckled and leaned across the sticky space to hug your friend. He said he'd tried to stop by your dorm this morning but no one answered. He must've arrived there as you left.

"I forgot you were meant to be back so soon." You said.

"My flight landed a couple days ago, Angus stayed to meet up with that old teacher he always talks about." Soren shrugged, going on to gush about the wedding they'd attended. And how much fun the boys had free of studies and schedules, away together. You stood there and listened, happy for Soren on one hand. Hurt by Angus absence all the while.

"Angus didn't say when he'd be back. But I swore I saw his car today. Could've just smoked too much before my shift though." Soren laughed as he poured you a coffee, free of charge. For your birthday, he insisted. You smiled and thanked your friend. Pursing your lips to suppress the surprising amount of emotion that rose within you at how kind everyone was being today. How much you didn't feel like you deserved their kindness.

"Thanks. Have a good shift, friend."

Your next stop was the market. Your cupboards were bare, you already knew. And now that you were out of your stupor, your stomach ached with hunger. Some dinner, a drink, and a little tiny cake because why the hell not. Whether you deserved everyone else's kindness, you were allowed to make the most of today, right?

The afternoon passed slowly, light turning to dark outside. You considered Soren's story, how he thought he saw Angus' car today. How there was a chance he was back on campus. With a shot in the dark, you rang his dorm with your fingers crossed. No one answered, but you couldn't be too disappointed. He was still on the East Coast, you decided. He would've stopped by today right? If he was back in town, and if he knew it was your birthday, he would've stopped by.

But then, you knew he knew it was your birthday. And night turned to morning, and he hadn't called. He would've at least called, right? If you hadn't fucked it all up, he would've. If everything hadn't changed, he should have. But all of a sudden it was four in the morning. And the slice of cake you'd saved just in case Angus came around was swiftly sent to the garbage. And the realization that everything was different was followed by the understanding that you didn't have a single thing stopping you from starting all over.

You cleaned up and found your suitcase and started throwing things in. Forming a quick plan, you found a notebook and a pen and hurriedly wrote your friends name on one side and a quick note on the other. Even though you were pissed at Angus, and hurt and confused by the turn your friendship had taken, he still deserved a goodbye.

'i dropped out. might call when i get settled someplace. here is to hoping you'll answer if i do'

It was cutting. It was short. But it was all true, and it wass the best thing you could think up, so hastily. You zipped your bags and threw them in your new back seat. You marched to Angus' dorm and slid the note under his door. You zoomed off campus and felt the weight of all that had happened fall from your chest.

You looked ahead as day light broke on the horizon, and smiled.

///

The Future

For a month, you kept your job cleaning houses, crossing the bridge to the rich neighborhoods as often as you could. You'd found a perfect little flat on the outskirts of a suburb. You even considered applying to some of the shops along the town's strip so you wouldn't have to drive as often.

You'd banked on the kindness of delivery drivers to help you move a bed and a few other furnishings into your new space. You'd decorated with mementos you'd clung to from childhood, and a couple pictures of the four greatest friends you'd ever had. When Tom was still alive, and everyone was carefree. Though all of that had ended, the photos you cherished from before brought you the same happiness you'd felt when the snapshots were taken.

You'd called Soren once or twice. To make sure someone knew you weren't dead. To make sure he was still showing up on time to work and to listen to the plot of whatever comic he was in the middle of reading. If conversation began to drift too far outside of those topics, you'd let your friend know you had to go, but promised to keep in touch.

You were just starting to feel like life made sense. You were just beginning to consider that not all hope was lost. While you were still at a loss for what to hope for, you were beginning to consider that there was a future beyond despair. Maybe it was finally time to call your best friend. Maybe you could talk to him now, without completely losing it...

You kept these thoughts at bay, not daring to let them spin your mind and soul into a depression. You pulled into a gas station, deciding only to occupy your afternoon with trivial things. With easy thoughts and simple tasks. You were allowed to do just that.

Just as you began to lose track of your thoughts in a daydream, leaned against your trunk watching the gas fill- a car screeched recklessly into the gas station lot. A woman carrying a couple of fountain sodas scurried out of the way of the boxy car and nearly dropped her beverages. A couple by standers cursed out the hapless driver as the car continued to skirt crookedly behind yours. You knew that make and model. You knew that scratched passenger door.

Oh, God.

Angus was clamoring from the driver's seat, slamming his door before he stomped up right to your face, yelling for the whole lot to hear.

"You dropped out?" Angus hissed. His dark curls bobbing as he pointed an angry finger your way. You saw a funny little rage in his gaze. And that pissed you off more than you'd already been.

"Oh, you found my note? How long did it take you?" You jabbed. "Three or four days? Week or two?"

"You can't drop out! There is only one year left!" Angus was in awe, waving his hands at you, yelling like there was a bubble between the pair of you he had to shout past to get your attention.

"I'm surprised you're aware of that. Haven't necessarily been keeping track of important dates as of late, have you?" You shot the guy a glare that could have killed him if your eyes were lasers or worse.

"Look, I know. I'm sorry. I am sorry." Angus whined your name, reaching out to grab your arm as you adjusted the gas pump from your car to its holder.

"For what?" You challenged. Because you believed he still hadn't realized how important this last time his absence had been.

"For going M.I.A. For not calling. For... everything. I have missed you, I just-" Angus sighed and cast his eyes down in shame you could feel begin to radiate from him. But ache as your heart might've for him, because it always had, you were far from done being mad.

"You've never missed my birthday before." You rose a brow, a sting filling up your chest that you had to make it so obvious to him. Angus head rose up slow, his downtrodden gaze turned into one of shock horror.

"Oh my God, no." He frowned. "No, no, no- I'm... so sorry," Angus called your name as you rolled your eyes and turned to open your car door. His please for you to stop mixed among a billion sorry's in the span of a minute. His hand stalled on your driver's door, and you stood glaring as Angus began to ramble. "Soren barely knew you'd left. He couldn't help me." Angus explained. "I went all around campus asking if you'd told anyone where you'd gone. So last resort, I drove across the bridge to Miss Julie's to ask if she'd seen you, and finally-"

Mid sentence, your brain whirred. This mother fucker drove an hour and a half across the city to ask a woman whose house you cleaned every other weekend if she'd seen you? Okay, maybe he cared more than you thought.

"And you don't call, you don't write, you leave me a vague ass note like I-"

And then you were pissed again. Because you did call. Angus was the one who left you hanging this last time.

"Angus, we are not doing this here." You swatted at him, breaking his grip on your car door. With a heavy sigh you asked him to follow you to your new little flat. Where you could yell all night long without a lot full of strangers gawking at the pair of you.

Your grip was white knuckled the whole drive home. Your heart was in your throat. There was no getting out of whatever confrontation that laid ahead with you and Angus. This was it.

You parked in your usual spot and marched toward the apartments to the tune of Angus slamming his door. You reached your home in a couple of turns, unlocking the door, and letting it swing open behind you. Angus slithered in as you hurried inside, straight for the bottle of rum on your counter. Finding two glasses in the cupboard, Angus stalled in the middle of your living space and decidedly went on where he left off.

"Why the hell didn't you tell me about dropping out?" He called your name. His voice was softer than it had been at the gas pump. But his tone was more desperate. You took a sip of your drink, and slid his toward the end of the counter, locking eyes. You moved closer toward where he stood as Angus went on. "Why the hell didn't you tell me what happened with that dance instructor. Shit, you barely told Soren. But he knew. Why won't you talk to me?" Angus brought a hand to his middle, like he was holding in everything from spilling over. His usual brooding expression was downcast more than usual. His hair a little longer. His eyes still your favorite pair. You had really missed Angus.

"I don't know Angus! I don't know what the fuck is wrong with me. I tried so hard to pass finals and I failed harder the more I tried. I gave everything I had to that dance class, and it blew up in my face. And then you... us... I couldn't afford to fuck up anymore. I had to go." You spoke, emotion raising in your voice as you stood sweeping a hand to gesture as you explained.

"You didn't fuck everything up. You can still take summer classes. You can fix it. You can find a new dance class. And I... you didn't fuck us up." Angus declared, speaking clearly but wearing a look as if he may have been unsure of himself. You watched as your friend took a few steps toward the drink you poured him. In the matter of a moment, his taste of rum was gone, and he was shamelessly reaching for the bottle to pour another drink.

"What if what I want doesn't matter?" You started, as he poured. "I tried so hard to pass and I failed. I tried so hard to dance and none of my practicing mattered more than a sexual favor would've. What if... what if I want you? What will the catch be? Because there seems to always be one, with me." You'd never been more clear.

"Look I wasn't sure what we were going through at first." Angus sighed after sipping his second drink. And then he took a moment to glance about the room, seeming to decide something. "But then I went to that wedding, and I realized exactly what I wanted and how I felt. It's still confusing, you and me. But I want there to be a you and me, okay?" He seemed to mean it. He seemed to really mean what he said. But there was still a look of unnerve painted across his features.

"Angus you forgot my birthday." You reminded, downing the rest of your drink. Cocking his head sorrily, Angus reached for the rest of his rum.

"I know." He said. "And I'm sorry. I was late getting back into town." Angus sighed. "And my mother was in my dorm room when I got back, imagine that surprise-"

"Your mom?" You gasped. In the entire three and a half years you knew Angus, he'd only spoken about the woman twice, and spoken on the phone with her once. She'd never come to visit. As you processed this information you watched Angus' jaw clench, his teeth dig into his lip, his brow darken.

"Yeah, so my dad... he, uh-" Angus blinked up to the ceiling, unable to hide the tremble in his voice.

"Angus, no."

"I tried to visit him when I was out there, after I met up with Paul. But when I asked to see my dad they said he'd been moved out of the facility for months, moved to some hospital, no one could remember which. And then my flight... And she didn't even tell me he'd been sick. She refused a funeral. And I never even got to say goodbye." Angus spoke like every word tore at his throat. Tears pooled in his eyes, falling when they filled up too much.

"Why didn't you start with that?" You rang, unable to comprehend how so much loss and hurt could continue to reign over this year. You stepped forward to reach for Angus, grabbing at his arms and moving to smooth back his hair, wiping away the tear drop he missed with his sleeve.

"Because" Angus implored, shockingly ready with an answer. "This has been way too confusing for way too long and I couldn't keep it in any longer." He waved at the space that existed between you and himself, keeping his bloodshot brown eyes lasered to yours all the while. "If I want you, and if you want me, then what's stopping this from happening for us?"

"Because," You began, deciding in this moment to be brutally honest. The most honest you'd been all year. "I'm scared."

Angus shook his head, rejecting your reasoning.

"You don't think I'm fucking scared too?" He huffed like it was obvious. But it hadn't been to you. "I love you. And that's terrifying. I'm in love with you. Enough to wait for you to say it back, if you want to. But you better only decide against this if you don't want it. You can't let this pass us by just because you're scared."

You struggled to hold back the tears springing into your eyes. You struggle to croak out any response that wasn't a curse. You struggled to wrap your mind around all that had been said. You couldn't help but let a sob escape, too overwhelmed by it all.

And then Angus was crying too, really crying. There was no reason left to hold back, to keep emotions locked down. Everything was out in the open now. Every tattered heartbroken truth had been shared. And there was nothing you could do to make it all better, no way to make sense of it in a flash. But you knew you could wrap your arms around Angus and hold on for dear life.

When his lips met the crown of your head, you were reminded of every time he'd done so before. You were reminded of every late-night pub crawl and bad first date and mean teacher. You remembered every weekend road trip, every movie night in, every homemade dinner. And then you thought of now. You thought of all the hurt. You thought of all the tension and all the grief and all the looks across rooms shared with Angus. You hadn't a clue how to move ahead with him. You wanted to move ahead, but you just couldn't see how.

You began to push away. You shouldered out from Angus' hold on you and wiped at your eyes with a sleeve. You, gently as possible, moved his hand that clung to your side still.

"Don't do that. Don't shut me out again." Angus implored; voice still wrought. Eye's still bright with sadness.

"I know it's not what you want but I don't have any other answer for you right now. I'm sorry about everything too, Angus. I'm so sorry about your dad. But I can't- I don't know. Not yet." You sniffled.

"This didn't go how I hoped." Angus released a heavy sigh, turning to pace before your kitchen counter. "But I'm gonna do what I said." He pointed at you. "I'm gonna wait and hope you'll give me a chance. I just need to make it clear that I don't want any version of my future to be without you in it. So... whatever you decide... I just love you okay? Do you hear me?" Angus rang. Then you remembered how he asked that same question at the diner.

"I'm listening. And I hear you. And I'm sorry. Just... give me more time."

Angus left that afternoon with a grin when you asked him to stop back again in a couple days. And you went to bed that night in tears, happy or sad you weren't sure.

///

A few months had passed since Angus appeared out of nowhere and berated you in the gas station parking lot. He was starting his final year of school. He stopped over most Fridays, and some nights in between. Sometimes Soren came with him, and you'd all stay up past midnight cackling like a band of fools. You'd sent Kiara your new address, and she sent some post cards from Canada. The messages she included were never very long, but she always signed her name with a heart dotting the I.

On the weekends Angus hung around, he mentioned missing Tom. He mentioned wishing he didn't have to miss Kiara too. Wishing for one more night all together. When Angus hung around, he talked a lot about his studies and the stories from the history books he'd been learning. When he hung around, he'd sometimes end up staying the night. When he left the mornings after, he'd always end up coming back around.

You kept cleaning houses. You kept those old pictures hung up like trophies. You wondered about finding a new dance studio on this side of town. But you weren't sure if you were ready. So, all things considered, you went to that little cafe on your old campus to find a friend for lunch.

"So, I went to Claires house yesterday." Soren began his story with a wry grin, unwrapping his meal from home. The coffee shop was busier than usual, full of students new to campus and ones eager to leave. "I asked her if that cat still hung around. Long story short she said if I could catch him, I could keep him. So I went to the gas station on the corner and bought a bag of jerky. Set up a little trail from the fence to the patio. It was about an hour before the little guy showed up. He didn't even go for the jerky he just came right up to me and let me pick him up!"

Soren went on to explain how easy it was to take the cat home and how soundly the pet had been sleeping in his window sill. You laughed and beamed and felt glad for the outcome on your friend's behalf. You couldn't imagine the basket case he'd have become if the cat fought his capture.

The cafe began to crowd with more people, somehow, standing between tables that all filled up with patrons. Soren sighed and rushed to finish his food, knowing they'd want his help the busier business got.

"We really need to meet up sometime when it's not your break." You mentioned. He nodded, sharing part of his dessert like he always did.

"Do you always bring your lunch? I never see you order here." You realized, suddenly. Besides coffee, there were some reasonably decent snacks the cafe had to offer. But Soren never seemed to indulge.

"I don't even like coffee, man."

You laughed and wondered why the hell he worked here then.

"It's the first job that called me back after an interview. It's the job that got me out of debt. I love it here. Everything comes full circle, ya know?" Soren explained, but you asked him to go on still.

"It's like with Tom. He died, man. But that little grey cat that ate the flowers we planted for Tom lets me feed him fast food every night. You can't convince me that's not my friend. He came back." Soren waved a hand, as if to rope his next point in with the one he'd just made. "I needed money, I got a job and made enough to pay off my debt and enough to pack my own lunches every day. Everything we want is already ours. If it doesn't happen one time it'll happen another. It's all a big circle."

Somehow, a light switched on in your brain. Somehow, everything you'd been worried about didn't feel so heavily weighed on your chest. Somehow, you had an answer for Angus.

"Soren, you brilliant hippie freak." You gawked at your friend in awe as he rushed to take one last bite of the sandwich he'd brought. Soren was hurrying to stand, hurrying to get back to work. And you were suddenly in a rush too, now that everything clicked. With a quick hug goodbye, you darted for the shop doors, excusing yourself through a crowd of grumpy college students eagerly awaiting their caffeine fix.

///

Your home was quiet, the good kind. Stillness welcomed you as your thoughts continued to align in place for what felt like the first time in your entire life. Your brain was free of cluttered worries. Your heart was beating at a steady pace. It was all clicking. And you even still had a couple hours to make a decent dinner for two.

Angus arrived when he said he would, bursting in the door with complaints of teachers who were bad at their jobs and students who were too dumb to care. You laughed and listened and set a place at your table for him. Over dinner, you talked about considering dancing again. Angus encouraged you. He talked about taking a year after graduating to relax. You said he should. You each helped clean up easily and welcomed the quiet together.

You each floated to the couch afterward like you were used too by now. You let the telly play whatever was on, and relaxed under the weight of your best friends arm that laid over your shoulders.

"Angus..." You decided, grabbing his attention as both of your eyes stayed glued to the actor on the screen. Your friend hummed in response.

"I miss the way everything was before." You admitted. You missed your friends, the nights you all spent as a group. You missed the life you'd had worked out for yourself back then. You noticed Angus had turned his head to face you, his brows lifted as if to display sympathy. His grief free to reveal itself for a moment. Angus' almond eyes floated from his lap to meet yours as you shot him a pursed shrug.

"It scares me that this is what life has played out like." You went on, watching Angus watch you speak. His eyes landed on your lips. His voice was a whisper when he asked you to go on.

"What if we keep changing?" You implored, nodding toward Angus as his gaze danced from your eyes to your mouth. "If we fall in love I want it to stay that way. I can't have you be my next great disaster. I'd rather keep you at a distance than dare to let you break my heart somehow." You revealed.

Angus rose his hand to brush across your face. He let his fingers find your hair and curl among the strands.

"We've already lost a bit of what we were before, haven't we?" You begged for clarification, validation, mutual understanding. If you were gonna let him in, you needed Angus to remember all the reasons you'd been weary to do so, up till now. You needed to make sure his mind hadn't locked onto worry and changed.

He was pressing a gentle kiss to your lips then. A simple soft gesture that lingered with intention.

"Why does it have to be lost? Why can't it just be changed for the better?" Your friend wondered, his voice low, his presence before you whole and consistent as ever. You'd heard enough to shut up and kiss him back. And then it was happening, what usually happened when Angus kissed you. Your heart hammered and your brain latched onto thoughts of only him and your hands gripped to pull him close.

Angus dragged you to bed, something that had happened a few times here, in this new reality. You did all the things there that you had done before. You marveled over how Angus held you and cared for you and stared at you with undeniable adoration.

And after a while, when you'd both done all you could do, you laid there still. In the low lamp light, you stayed tangled up with Angus, running fingers through his hair and listening to his heartbeat. And you talked about what compelled each of you to kiss in the first place. You talked about how you felt the night he shagged you on the guest bedroom floor. He talked about how overwhelmed he was when you boned him in the front seat of his car. You collectively wondered how different things might've turned out if Tom didn't die. If school went better. What life would look like now, if things were different.

"I don't know. I've been worried that I don't have control over anything. Like my whole life has just happened to me. What if that's like... my curse?" You sighed, staring up at the amber glow from your bed side lamp.

"I've been where you are, before. When I met Paul. And one night he told me 'your history doesn't have to define your destiny.' And that rocked my world, man." Angus lamented. "I wish I could explain it all away for you just as easy. But all I can do is wait, and hope something clicks for you. Wait and hope you'll see something good enough in me to let me prove it to you. That's what love is, isn't it? Or could be?"

"Yeah. It already clicked for me." You revealed. It was time. It was easy to admit. It was true. Angus hummed as a plea for clarity, tapping his finger against your temple out of habit, you assumed.

"It already clicked for me. That can be what love is. We can be in love and scared about it together." You said.

The room filled with a quiet you were familiar with. Angus laid still beneath you. Until finally he spoke up.

"You mean that?"

Soren said that everything you may have wanted in life was already yours. And some how that made sense. No matter that Tom died, he was your friend. Nothing could change that fact. Kiara had been so distant, but she was writing to you. She came back. Soren caught the cat. And Angus laid in your bed. And no matter what had happened before, he was here now, and you didn't want to take that for granted out of fear it might all slip away.

With a grin and a nod, you shifted to meet Angus' almond eyes. His were hazy under his brooding brow. You were glad you didn't have to miss him anymore. He was all yours. You'd always belonged to him whether you realized it or not. And nothing was going to change that.

///

That holiday season you joined Angus on a trip to the East Coast. He made fun of you for being so cold but shared his jackets all the while. Angus took you to all the places his dad used to like. You helped him hold a memorial his mother denied planning, and neither of you mentioned her at all.

You sat beside him in a cab, watching a steady snow fall collect along the sidewalks. You were on your way to meet your boyfriend's favorite old teacher. You planned to tell him all about Tom. In fact, you had a lot of plans that featured Angus these days. And he, with you. And of that you were very happily certain.

#dominic sessa #dominic sessa x reader #angus tully #angus tully x reader #angus tully x fem!reader #dominic sessa x fem!reader #the holdovers #minors dni

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