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iridescentxstars · 4 years

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ambivalence — kim jongin

➳ published: 20.05.20 ➳ moodboard credit: @hyunymph ➳ idol!au || genre: smut || romance || angst || fluff || rated: m ➳ pairing: kim jongin x alice ➳ summary: She got under his skin, he annoyed her beyond belief but there was something about them, that they couldn’t resist. She sees a side of him she didn’t think existed, he begins to realise that she’s not like the others so, when it comes down to it - whose emotional ambivalence caves into love first? ➳ word count: 35.2k ➳ warnings: lots of swearing, drunk sex, immature behaviour, angry make out session(s), degrading behaviour, plain asshole, pushy parents, mark’s typical crush boy, jealousy, fingering with rings on, dirty talk, intimacy, a well deserved slap ➳ author’s note: please bear in mind that it has been a wild ride writing this. i haven’t written in this style with an oc before so it’s new for me. i understand that the moment people saw ‘oc’, they noped out but i enjoyed this so there. yes, jongin wouldn’t actually behave like this but this is fiction! thank you to @hkynm for reading this! Any feedback is welcome <3

Three shots in and the soju is already beginning to tickle my cheeks as I slam down the glass and my best friend, Suni, pours me another one. I have a suspicion she’s planning to get me drunk but the thought is at the back of my mind as I pile the rice into my mouth and flip over the pork, placing the ready pieces on our plates.

Suni and I have known each other for years, she had been on a cultural exchange at my school and had stayed with me during that year. We were inseparable and even when she returned to Korea, our friendship only grew and we would spend the summers between the countries. When I began my bachelors, I had studied in Korea for two years before returning home to finish up and this is the first time in nearly three years that I’ve been back. Suni visited a lot but with studies and a part-time job, it had gotten to a point where travel was the last thing on my mind so she made up where I lacked – as always.

“Where are we going after this?” I ask, knowing that she’s got a bigger plan up her sleeve. “I know you didn’t invite me out just so we can have dinner.”

I’ve been in Seoul for the last few days, arriving here because of a new job I’ve taken. I was very surprised when I got it because it was just a suggestion from my boss to go for it, knowing I wanted to return to Korea. The details of the job when I had gotten it were very limited and as soon as I told my best friend that I was moving back to Seoul, she took the chance to steal me every single day. I’ve barely unpacked or bought any food for myself because this woman has been coming over and dragging me everywhere that she can possibly think of and as much as I love her – I would love a morning without a splitting hangover.

She gives me a knowing grin, “Angel, it’s the weekend and the weekend has just begun.” I groan but Suni doesn’t even listen as she wraps a piece of pork up and places it in her mouth. “You don’t have work until Tuesday, right?” I nod, “well, you are mine until Monday.” I groan loudly, overexaggerating the sound and gaining a look of disgust from the lady at the table next to us.

Angrily shoving a lettuce wrap in my mouth, I wash it down with another shot of soju before letting out a heavy sigh. “Fine, what have you got planned?” The mischievous glint in her deep brown eyes makes me immediately regret asking because every time she smiles like that, I end up regretting things the next morning.

Abandoned.

Did she really just fucken abandon me in the middle of the club? Okay, that’s definitely being too dramatic, she did ask if she could dance with that strikingly handsome man whose blonde hair is currently being tugged on by her as she kisses him unashamedly on the dance floor. It still would be nice if I had someone to talk to, or dance with, someone to preoccupy myself with instead of leaning against the bar all by myself but it is going to be fun to take the photo of shame to shove in her face the next day.

“Hey, Suni, remember when you left me behind after all your talk about me being all yours, just to sleep with this random hunk of a man?” She may kill me for it but to be fair, it’s going to be worth it.

I snicker, shaking my head as I turn towards the bar and raise my hand to gain the bartender’s attention. “Can I get you a drink?” This is a question that I’ve heard a lot tonight, a question that I’ve turned down a lot tonight, but the voice asking it is one that definitely catches my attention. Even nearly shouting over the music around us, his voice is dripping with seduction, the baritone is laced with such a velvet tone that sounds so comforting to listen to but it also causes me to feel things in places one’s voice shouldn’t cause me to feel. He obviously knows that his voice is sweet like honey because his next words indicate that a cocky smirk is on his lips. “Or, would you prefer to dance?”

I turn towards him, eyes still on the bartender making her way towards us before giving him my full attention. I’ve met many men in bars, I’ve turned many of them down and there is definitely a type of man that spends his time hanging around the bar, waiting for his next prey.

This man… is definitely not that type of man.

He scoffs softly, allowing me the opportunity to openly check him out while he places his money on the bar, “same again, for both of us.” Normally, I wouldn’t allow a man to assume what I want but as I take everything in, I decide not to correct him. His black hair is styled in a comma style with an undercut, his eyes are dark under the purple strobe lights but I can feel them checking me out as openly as I him, his features are something straight from a Greek sculpture and I cannot help but imagine how soft those lips would feel pressed against mine. I lick my lips, an action that isn’t missed by his watching gaze and his own spreads into a smirk because he knows what I’m thinking – though, I’m not exactly hiding it. “Do you not speak Korean?” He asks and I blink in surprise at how easily he switched to English, “would you like to dance?”

“Well, you’ve already bought me the drink so I assumed you’d answer that for me, too.” I surprise him with my Korean and he lets out a short laugh, shaking his head in amazement. His smile, albeit cocky, is very beautiful and maybe it’s the alcohol that’s caused me to lose my inhibitions or the fact that I am not wanting to be the one going home alone tonight, but I know that he can have whatever the hell he wants tonight.

Which is exactly the answer I’m sure he’s used to getting.

Finishing my drink faster than I should have, I grab him by the hand and allow myself to let loose for one night. My new job will require me to be professional, to be available at all times and to be able to wake up the next day bright and early so this is going to be one of my last nights to do such a thing. If this stranger, Mr. Handsome I’ve decided to call him, is willing to be my final hurrah before I’m chained to the shackles of my job – then who am I to turn down such a fine opportunity.

“No names,” I call over my shoulder as I push my way through the crowd to find a good spot. “You’re going to be Mr. Handsome and I can be whatever pet name you decide but let’s not complicate this with being personal.”

His hands find my waist the moment I let his hand go, “You can call me what you like, baby, as long as I call you mine for the night.” I roll my eyes, his words are matching the ego he puts out but before long, words are no longer necessary as we begin to bump and grind to the music that thumps through our chests and guides our bodies. He knows what to do with his hips and my hands travel over the firm expanse of his chest before running through his hair, fingers tangling with the surprisingly soft, thick locks as I pull him down for a kiss. It is not sweet, it is not something you would get from a man who is willing to take things slow; teeth clash as we press against each other, tongues messily trying to fight for dominance but God, does it send the right tingles down the spine when I finally capture that soft, pillowy bottom lip between my teeth and feel the growl that vibrates through his chest.

“Stop teasing,” he growls, hungrily chasing my lips as his grip on my waist tightens to stop me from pulling away from him. “The more you tease, the more I’m going to make you pay for it.” I innocently tilt my head to the side and with an arm wrapping around my waist, a hand holding the back of my head, Mr. Handsome kisses me roughly; I can taste the whiskey on his tongue and my own head is beginning to swim from the alcohol that’s overriding my own senses. It may not have been a smart idea to finish my drink as quickly as I did because I’m letting him take control over me. “Let’s go somewhere else,” he speaks against my lips, not waiting for an answer as he pulls me through the crowd. “If we mess around any longer, I’m going to slam you against the wall and fuck you here.”

I shiver and keep my mouth shut; I don’t trust myself to answer him because I probably would allow him to do so.

Looking over my shoulder, I cannot spot Suni anywhere but I do notice that a few other women are throwing me a dirty look. Of course, I know exactly how I look to them but honestly, I don’t really care because who are they to judge when they would do the exact same thing in my position. “Wait, wait,” I pull my hand from his and rush over to the lockers, pulling the key from my back pocket and checking my phone as I give another glance over the mass of bodies to try and find my elusive best friend.

I feel Mr. Handsome press up behind me, “Who are you looking for? I’m right here,” his hot breath is against my neck and I suppress a moan as he grinds his obvious erection against my ass. Fuck, I bite my lip and try not to give in to the urge of grinding back against him because if I do, I might even let him drag me to the back of the club, rather than some love hotel close by. “Or, do you want me to take you to the back of the club?”

I quickly collect everything inside, only slightly concerned that if he tried, then I wouldn’t stop him; I slide on my padded jacket to keep me warm because the air outside will definitely have a bite to it. I notice that he doesn’t seem too concerned with the weather outside because he isn’t carrying a jacket with him. The season back home is different to here so while home is warming up, Korea is cooling down and I am not going to allow the cold air to sober me up and stop me from enjoying Mr. Handsome and the fun distraction he’ll provide. “I was hoping to catch my friend but it seems she’s already left; I’ll just message her instead.” I begin typing Suni a quick message; one to let her know I’ve got her stuff and another to tell her off for leaving me alone, but Mr. Handsome is too impatient to wait for me to finish either texts because he’s dragging me outside by the crook of my arm. “Someone’s impatient,” I tease, “you can’t even let me get off a message to my concerned friend.” I put my phone in my pocket as he waves for a taxi before kissing me with enough drunken passion that my mind is distracted from everything but him.

“Only because you look too fucken good and I don’t want to waste a second not tasting you.” He gives me a shit-eating grin, one I want to both kiss and wipe off his face but I go for the former before he opens up the door and rushes me inside the taxi. “Though, if your friend was that concerned, you wouldn’t be here with me.” I’m about to respond before he shuts me up with another kiss.

The ride to wherever Mr. Handsome has decided to tell the driver is longer than I expected but I don’t have time to comment. Words are barely spoken as his hand travels up and down my thigh, teasing me with feather light touches that ignite every inch he traces and I do some teasing of my own by sneaking a hand under his shirt and trace a finger along the hem of his tight black jeans. He really knows how to dress to impress, my own attire more on the casual side with grey skinny jeans, a pink crop top and my hair tied in a ponytail but his, wow, the sheer black dress shirt was tucked into his jeans before I had my way with it and his black polished leather shoes scream upper class designer. His hair isn’t as styled as before thanks to my fingers but even messy, he looks absolutely delicious with those sexy chocolate brown eyes undressing me in the backseat of the taxi and that kiss-swollen bottom lip tucked between his pearly white teeth.

I’m too distracted by his looks to even notice that he’s paid for the taxi and is waiting for me to snap out of my own lust. “We’re here,” he smirks, knowing exactly what effect he has over me and my body, “unless you want me to fuck you in the back of the taxi.” He whispers, his words catching my attention and I jump, thanking the driver before following him out of the car and towards the entrance of the hotel.

“Wow, you’re really going all out.” I chuckle, noticing we aren’t in some sleazy love hotel like I thought we might end up in. He raises an eyebrow, seemingly offended by my words and I shrug, “I think it’s a bit much for a one-night stand but hey, you’re paying.” He scoffs, shaking his head and dragging me towards the reception; I watch the tick in his sharp jaw, smirking to myself because it seems like he doesn’t like to have his standards lowered to someone else’s.

Keeping my hand gripped in his, he pulls me towards the elevator, scanning the card and pressing one of the buttons for the top floor. “You must be used to some cheapskate who doesn’t know how to treat a lady,” he pushes me against the wall, lips on my throat as he grumbles. “I prefer the luxury of time, where I can make you feel everything instead of having to rush.” The moan I let out as his teeth graze against my pulse is primal and I cup his cheeks, pulling him in for a kiss as he presses himself against me.

God, if this elevator doesn’t hurry up soon, I’m drunk enough to suck his dick in this elevator – security camera be damned.

A sigh of relief passes through my lips when the elevator dings on our floor but I can see that Mr. Handsome here is frustrated by the interruption. “Don’t think you’re safe yet, the moment we enter that room,” he grabs my hand and presses it against the erection straining against his pants. “I’m going to have you against the wall.”

“And here I thought we might make it to the bed,” I tease, knowing perfectly well that if I had relented a little then we may not have even made it to the hotel and would have parted ways in the club. “Well then, hurry up, lover boy, a lady can only wait so long.”

“With the way you’ve been holding back, I thought you’d wait all night.” He grins, opening the door to the hotel room and letting me inside. “Ladies first.”

I roll my eyes, stepping inside, “what a-” True to his word, the moment he enters behind me, I am pressed up against the wall and his hands are quickly pulling down the zip of my jacket before removing the item and tossing it haphazardly into the open closet.

It is a match from there, who can undress the other the fastest and I lose because he frustratingly has a Gucci belt on which my fingers seem to ignore because the moment his shirt is removed, I am far too preoccupied with what’s happening to focus any further. This man is definitely one for the record books of one-night stands. His velvet voice mumbles words of praise as he kisses down towards my breasts with those soft lips that ignite fire deep within my soul; his large hands run down my sides before quickly unbuttoning my jeans and using one hand to drag them and my lace panties down while the other greedily touches the part of me that aches for him. “Fuck,” I breathe out when one of his fingers push in knuckle deep and his teeth nip at my skin, leaving little pink marks in his wake. I barely got a glimpse at his body, covered with the most beautiful caramel toned skin I’d ever seen, when I push his shirt off and have it meet my clothing on the floor because he has my head thrown back, eyes closed, with curses leaving in a long mumbled string with the way his middle finger slowly eases it’s way in and out of me.

“Listen to how wet you are,” his breathy tone mixed with his moan has me clenching around his finger while my hands push on his broad shoulders. There is no way I am going to cum against the wall without his dick being the one to do it.

The moment I see his sculpted body, I cannot help the way my hands reach for him and feel down that defined abdomen before grabbing him by the belt. “I’m the only one who’s getting all the pleasure.” My tone is sultry, lips pulling into a teasing smile as I step out of my jeans and begin to pull him by the belt towards the bed, “I don’t think that’s fair.”

I can see the want in his eyes, those dark lust-filled eyes that desperately want to have my lips wrapped around his throbbing cock but also seemingly wanting to just skip the foreplay. “Baby, we have the pleasure of all night. If you want to suck me off, you can do that later but right now, I think I’ve been a good boy and waited for you long enough.” He picks me up and throws me onto the bed; to say I’m impressed is an understatement.

It’s been a while since a man could lift me with such ease.

The moment my back hits the pillows, Mr. Handsome doesn’t waste any time in taking off his pants. I would have loved to watch him slowly take it all off but time is of the essence; he unbuckles that Gucci belt before popping open his jeans and basically peels them off his thick, muscular thighs but I don’t watch as he removes them completely, trying to keep my mind from breaking as I stare openly at the cock that slaps against his firm abdomen. He pounces, literally, climbing over me, his hair is tickling my chest as he kisses his way down my body while my hands run over his muscular back. I am over this teasing and ready for whatever Mr. Handsome has to offer. He reaches my waiting core and his dark, half-lidded eyes meet mine as his tongue licks a long stripe towards my clit and he smirks at the moan I release, sounding far too eager for my own good. “Have you-” He looks slightly worried for a moment, “have you got a condom?”

I can’t help but laugh, taking the opportunity to tease him. “You went to a club, picked up a girl and didn’t come prepared?” He looks away, mumbling something under his breath that I don’t quite catch. “Check in my purse, I may have some for emergencies.” The look he gives me is filled with amusement, like he’s impressed by how prepared I am for such a circumstance and I only answer with a shrug of my shoulders before settling into the fluffy pillows and watching his tight bare ass run to where he had thrown all my stuff.

He wastes no time rolling the latex on, pumping his well-endowed cock a few times before settling over me and as he grunts, pushing in until he’s fully seated, the alcohol-filled lust takes over and with no holding back, he proceeds to set the record for one-night stands everywhere.

Well, until about an hour later.

“Ugh,” the headache from Hell is what greets me when I open my eyes, bringing a hand to my head as I try and force my eyes open. Hangovers are where I always regret drinking, where I swear off drinking ever again because it’s one thing to wake up in my own bed with a raging hangover – it’s another to wake up in a strange place with one. “This is the last time I drink; I swear to God.” I roll onto my side, roughly pushing the hand that’s around me off as I get out of bed and head for the bar fridge to grab a bottle of water, hoping that I’ve still got some painkillers in my purse.

There’s an equally pained groan coming from the bed as I throw back the pills and wash them down with water. I look over to see a messy head of hair emerge from under the blankets, muscular arms stretch out as the stranger from last night rolls onto his back and effectively takes over the whole bed. “You’re far too loud for this early in the morning.” He groans, rubbing a large hand over his face before holding onto his head with a grimace.

I scoff, pointing at the clock, “if you think this is early, then you have one strange sleeping schedule. It’s nearly midday.” He shrugs, not caring to move but instead takes sudden notice of my stark-naked appearance. “You like what you see?” My tone is more sarcasm than question and I turn my back to search for all my clothes. I’m not shy about my body but I’m not overly confident either.

He doesn’t say anything, just watches as I get dressed quickly and begin searching for my phone. “Ahem,” he clears his throat, a smug grin on his lips as he holds my phone hostage in his hand, waving it around. “I had fun last night,” he moves it away from me, keeping me around longer which only adds to my annoyed mood due to the splitting headache and sick stomach. “Can I get your number? My job keeps me from being able to go out often and I don’t want to gain a reputation for being that guy.”

I reach for my phone and groan when he still moves it away from me. “What guy is that? The one who isn’t even completely prepared for meeting a girl in the club or the one who falls asleep immediately after he gets off?” His smug face drops and he scoffs, “you’re sexy as fuck, I’ll give you that but it seems that you are… lacking in the pleasure department.”

“So that’s why you were screaming ‘oh yes, right there, fuck me harder’ for the whole of Seoul to hear because I’m lacking?” His dig makes me blush and I snatch my phone off him, moving away quickly before he can try anything else. “I was drunk, running on a few hours of sleep the night before and had a crazy day; give me your number and I’ll show you what it’s really like when I’m not running on empty.”

Shit, if the throbbing between my legs and the marks littered over my chest is from him running on empty, then I don’t think I’d be able to walk afterwards if he wasn’t.

Though, my pride doesn’t allow me to give in to the curiosity of knowing. “Uh huh, I’m sure you’ve used that excuse on all the girls.” I turn my back on him, ignoring his annoyed look, “sweetie, it’s fine, if it helps your bruised ego then I’ll admit that you did make me cum… twice but it would have taken something mind-blowing for me to want to give you my number.” I double check everything before turning back to him, seeing the daggers he’s throwing at me. It’s obvious that he’s not used to being turned down and I mean, fair enough, his face is heavenly enough but match it with that damn sexy voice, that delicious caramel skin – slightly bruised, courtesy of moi – and a body that I could appreciate for days, it’s definitely not one you’d let go easily.

And yet, here I am, ready to walk out the door because he thinks his job doesn’t allow much time – my job won’t allow me much of anything soon.

“It was fun, truly,” I wink, unlocking my phone and ordering a taxi, “but I need someone who can keep up, rather than someone who’s going to fall asleep straight after round one.” He doesn’t reply and I don’t let him, choosing that as my exit line before rushing out the door and towards the elevator.

He is definitely satisfying. Mr. Handsome definitely seems to tick all the right boxes so far when it comes to my sexual ideal type. Yet, something about popping his egotistical bubble and being that girl to turn him down, making my one night with him something he’ll have trouble forgetting, makes not seeing him again just as satisfying as another night tangled in the sheet with him.

When I enter the lobby, my phone is vibrating but I’m not in the mood to deal with the loud shrill of my mother’s voice; yes, it may be an appropriate time to call and check up on me but after what just transpired mixed with the headache that will haunt me for the rest of the day – no, talking is not worth it. I send her a quick message, an obvious lie about how I’m out for lunch with friends and will call her later.

Knowing that I won’t call her until I can be bothered dealing with her nagging about settling down and commitments.

“Hold on, hold on,” I smile, listening to Suni’s exaggeration over what I had just told her. “You had a one-night stand with someone you class as a…”

“Mortal form of Adonis.”

“Yeah, yeah, a mortal form of Adonis and you didn’t give him your number, told him he wasn’t satisfying and left him alone in that fancy ass hotel in Gangnam. Did I miss anything?” I chuckle, shaking my head and I can see the rant beginning, her eyes widening as she processes everything before letting it all out but our coffee buzzer vibrating cuts her off and I use that as my escape, dashing to the counter to collect.

Handing her the smaller sized cup, I collect my bag and follow her out the door. “Seriously, you make it sound like I’ve never had a one-night stand before.” The chill of the morning air is nipping at my nose as I sip on my first cup of coffee for the day, “I may have lied about how good he was but seriously, you should have seen this guy. I bet he hasn’t been told no or had a woman turn him down since high school.” She chuckles, wriggling her eyes because she knows what I was like in high school.

I wasn’t exactly a nun, that’s for sure.

“And besides, when am I actually going to have the time to date – or sleep with him again.” She concedes, knowing that this job is an opportunity of a lifetime for me and is going to be some hard yards for the next few years.

We stop outside the SM C&C Building, aka my new employer, and she gives me a hug before heading towards the train station. “I’ll meet you back here at five, okay?” I wave her off and then with a deep breath, I walk around the back of the building, my head held high and the lanyard visible as I enter through the way I was told. You can immediately tell that I’m new here, while everyone else is heading in with purpose, I’m nervous and confused as to where I’m going before a lady walks up to me and bows. “Ah, you must be Miss. Alice, our new manager.” I bow, confirming her statement, “please follow me. There’ll be a meeting to introduce you to the job shortly.” I keep any questions that I have to myself as I follow her towards the elevator and up a couple of floors. She doesn’t quite seem like the chatty type so I decide that it is better to wait until later to figure everything out.

The room she leaves me in isn’t overly spacious or flash, it’s your typical meeting room with a long wooden table and 12 black leather office chairs around it; I’m the first person to arrive and decide that standing around like an idiot won’t exactly make me look very good, so I take a seat and pull out my notebook and pen. At first, I’m sitting patiently with my back straight and fighting the urge to clock watch but after a few minutes I begin singing softly to the music in my head while scribbling little doodles on my page. The moment I hear talking outside the door, I quickly snap back into professional mode, as Suni likes to call it, and flip the page over to make it seem like I haven’t been drawing little animals all over the place.

“I don’t understand why I need a new manager when I have a perfectly good one already.” The moment I hear the voice, I freeze. There is absolutely no way that it could belong to him, or at least I hope not, but there is no mistaking that velvet honey voice – even with the whine in it.

He’s met with an exasperated sigh, the two figures hanging outside the door as I waited with bated breath at seeing the man I had hoped to never see again; not because I don’t want to see him again but because of how I had left things. “Kai,” oh fuck, I resist the urge to slap my forehead at how stupid drunk me was. How could I have not realised who the fuck that man was?! I mentally snap my fingers, oh yeah, that’s right, because I wasn’t thinking clearly!

God, I can be so thick when alcohol is in my system.

“You know that he’s needing time off. He’s got a young child now; wouldn’t you prefer him spend time with his family rather than be having to run around after his big kid.” I snicker a little at the chastising way they are talking to him, to Kai of all people.

Kai, or Kim Jongin, is one of the idols. He’s one of those idols that people associate with more than just the group they are in or the music they make. He’s known for playing certain roles that seem to have been made for him – hell, he’s been voted to play certain roles that aren’t. He breaks gender roles with his fashion choices, he’s allegedly dated some of the most beautiful women in the industry and he manages to steal everyone’s heart – men and women alike. Kai has multiple nicknames, he’s known for his dancing, singing and the fact he’s been on basically every major Korean magazine but one thing that has caused his name to be on many people’s lips outside of the music industry is that fact that he’s been a Gucci ambassador for five years now.

He is God tier.

And I fucked him.

Correction, I fucked him and then insulted him before leaving him in the hotel room by himself.

Yes, I am proud of myself because, in my opinion, this man needed to be taken down a peg or two because he has an ego the size of Seoul but fuck, this is going to make one hell of an awkward introduction.

My heart picks up the pace as the door opens, revealing a middle-aged man dressed in all black and the face I kind of wanted to see again but definitely not in this way. “I’d like to introduce you to your new manager, Miss Alice Wallace.” When our eyes meet, it’s like the world stops but not in the way you would think.

He’s about as dumbstruck by this as I am and those dark brown eyes seem to hold many different thoughts and emotions; my own grey blue eyes are widening at the sight of him, dressed in training gear and still looking good, while my mind tries to figure out what to do. Jongin, on the other hand, seems to know exactly what to say in this moment – and it doesn’t look like he’s willing to play dumb. “Are you sure she’s up for the job?” The fact his gaze doesn’t leave me as he says it, shows me that he’s knowingly insulting me.

The other man nods, “she’s multilingual, has a good reputation with overseas companies and is more than capable in keeping up with your… busy lifestyle.” The last part made me chuckle to myself, Jongin’s night-time outings don't seem to go unnoticed by his close-watching company. Jongin doesn’t look impressed and I can tell that he’s still feeling petty about the way we parted.

Standing up, I bow, “If there’s anything you need to know, please feel free to ask. I look forward to working with you, Jongin.” He scoffs, refusing to play along as he looks at me with clear disdain on his face.

The rest of the meeting is basically me wearing a fake smile as I go over the contract with Mr. Lee and trying to ignore Jongin sending me daggers from across the table. His dark eyes narrowing every so often when our gazes meet, mine trying to hold back my own annoyance at his childish behaviour while talking with Mr. Lee about the schedule for the next few days. I learn everything that I need to know for now and find myself itching to get out of this room because Jongin’s glare is beginning to ruin my concentration.

It’s hard enough not to try and stare at him because like I said to Suni, he’s the mortal form of Adonis and very, very easy on the eyes, but when he’s sitting across from me, acting like I stole his lollipop – it’s hard to try to not glare right back.

“Well,” Mr. Lee stands up, tidying up his papers before reaching out a hand for me to shake. “If there is anything else you need, please feel free to let us know and we wish you the best of luck. Please take care of our artist and we will take care of you.” I smile, thanking him for this opportunity before watching Mr. Lee leave – which leaves Jongin and I alone in the meeting room.

I look at the schedule handed to me, tomorrow’s schedule will be sent via email and everything I need will be all ready for me to collect when arriving in the morning. “You have training-”

“I know what I have today,” he cuts me off, storming past towards the door while I quickly gather my things to follow suit. “This is just my luck.”

I try my best not to stare at that tight ass that I know hides underneath those loose track pants, his Nike’s laced up tight as he storms towards the elevator with me on his heels. We stand side by side, our outfits completely opposite to each other and I have to repress a laugh at how strikingly different we look. His long-sleeved shirt has a teddy bear on it, graffiti styled crosses over the eyes with a crown on its head; while I wear a white blouse with a bow in the front, matched with a black pencil skirt, nude stockings and closed toe black heels. Jongin wears a bright, eye-sore orange beanie and my blonde hair is tied up in a bun at the top of my head.

Though it seems, I’m not as good as hiding my laugh as I think I am.

“What are you snickering at?” Jongin doesn’t try to hide his rude tone, entering the elevator and pressing the basement floor before standing front and centre – refusing to look at me. “Do you think this is funny? How is any of this funny?” I roll my eyes, for a man who’s nearing his thirties, Jongin sounds like a petulant child.

“Oh, grow up.” I click my tongue, “You sound like some high schooler who has to deal with his ex every day. I was laughing because that beanie of yours is the ugliest orange I have ever seen; it’s like an orange they use for prison jumpsuits. Are you trying to be cast on Orange is the New Black?” His upper lip curls, not impressed with my teasing, “What? No come back? You were filled with confidence the other night and now you’re being childish. We are both consenting adults, Jongin, we can act professionally and maturely, can we not?”

He doesn’t answer me, the elevator announcing our arrival and ending our conversation short but from the way he looked at me, the mixture of mischief and anger in his eyes, I assume that we are clearly not agreeing on this. I’m quite happy to leave the past in the past, to move on and not allow my sex life interrupt my work life but it seems like I somehow managed to make an enemy of the one man I have to spend my days with, the man I have to spend my every moment with and doing whatever he asks me to do as well as managing his work life – and sometimes, his personal life.

All because I took him down a peg or two.

Well done, Alice, well done.

“Oomph,” I flop down on Suni’s bed, exhausted after the week I’ve had and trying my best to not scream into the pillow while she looks at me with that stupid shit-eating grin on her face. The one that says ‘oh, you are going to murder him before the month ends’ and she’s right, I will because after one week of working with him – he makes me wonder if I do know how to get away with murder. “Why is he so infuriating?”

“You mean, why is he so infuriatingly hot?” She mocks, raising her voice an octave higher in an effort to mimic my own and I throw a glare her way which only causes her to laugh. “Angel, seriously, you not only get to look at that face every day but you know what his ‘o’ face looks like. How many women get to brag about that?”

“I don’t want to think about that night,” I bury my head in the pillow and hope that it somehow suffocates me.

Suni rolls her eyes at me, unlocking her phone and ignoring my groaning until I decide to give her attention again. “Honestly, you could have gotten a worse idol to manage.” She starts listing off idols who are known for clubbing hopping, creating headaches for their companies with the way they behave and even idols who have crazy ass fans who probably would kill me for being in the same room as their oppar. “Seriously, could you imagine having to deal with one of those idols? God, you wouldn’t have had to deal with a… mwah,” She chef kisses her fingers with a wink at me, “…face, but rather someone who is trying to kkkkkuuuuukkkkk.” Ever the actress, Suni pretends to be getting choked by an invisible force.

“You have no idea how immature and rude he is,” I sit up and dangle my legs off the edge of the bed. “For two days straight, he literally ignored me.” She could see how annoyed I was by that, no one ignores me, no one, and the fact that Jongin did – it really rubbed me the wrong way. “If I was to ask him a question, he would act like he was answering someone else in the room, who wasn’t even talking to him.” I hiss through gritted teeth. “The only time he would actually show that he heard me was when I told him that he needed to be somewhere by a certain time or if he needed to sit somewhere. It was like I was dealing with some infuriating child.” Rubbing my temples, I take a deep breath and sigh, “Though a child I could slap around the ears without risking my job.”

Shrugging, Suni looks up from her phone before passing it to me. “You could do it in private. I mean, he’s obviously attracted to something about you and everyone knows that Jongin is a total sweetheart; maybe, he needs a strong woman who knows how to discipline him when he misbehaves.” She wriggles her eyebrows, insinuating I bend Jongin over my knee and spank him in some weird kinky delusion of hers. I almost throw her phone back at her for her comment alone – as well as the image she attacks me with.

Jongin with his head tilted back, grey blazer open and revealing that toned, golden set of abs that I remember wanting to cover in little purple marks. Scoffing, I thrust my hand out for her to take the offending phone, along with the picture, away from me and I don’t need to look at her face to know the shit-eating grin she’s wearing on her face. “There is no way in hell that I would cross that line again, not in a million years. He’s infuriating, I have never had to deal with such behaviour since… since…” I’m at a loss for words as I try to remember the last time that I had to deal with someone who annoyed me as much as Jongin does. When was the last time I had to deal with this?

Deep in thought, Suni taps her chin. “You know, the last time you got so frustrated over someone that you slept with, was when Jordan was lying about where he was going and what he was up to.”

Why did she have to bring him up?

“Very different situations, Suni!” I huff, wishing I didn’t have to think about him. “Jordan was a good-for-nothing, cheating asshole who acted like the sun shone out of his ass and that he was God’s gift to women.”

She lets out a short laugh. “Oh yes, whereas Jongin is God’s gift to women, his fans literally think he’s the sun and the only thing he isn’t, is a cheater.”

“That we know of.” I add. I am not the type of person who will lower someone to another’s standards or hold a man’s past actions against another but when it comes to men like Jongin – you can never be too careful. He’s gorgeous, I’m not stupid or blind… well, in that sense. I know that he’s a beautiful specimen but with the way he’s been behaving, I can definitely see him wearing a mask for different occasions.

The man I met in the club was a flirt, he knew how to push the right buttons to get what he wanted. The man I’ve been dealing with for the past week, is a child basically; giving me the silent treatment like that’ll make me leave him alone – all because I bruised his ego. The Jongin that the fans see is someone completely different; you can see it everywhere, read it in every article written about him and he sure as hell does an amazing job at convincing people that he’s the type of man you wish you could call yours.

The Jongin I am dealing with and the Jongin that fans, or well, anyone but me see, are two completely different people and until I see differently with my own eyes – he’s an asshole.

“You’re going to fall for his charms,” Suni breaks my train of thought with the most ridiculous statement I’ve ever heard come out of her mouth. “Seeing how much he gets under your skin; it won’t be long before something happens.” I scoff, waving a hand dismissively at her as I decide to go get some food, rather than hearing her theory on how Jongin will win my heart.

There is no way, no how, Jongin could ever achieve such a thing.

Ever.

There’s nothing more irritating than a phone call right when you’re about to enjoy that lunch you spent the last thirty minutes cooking. At first, I thought the loud vibrations mixed with the default iPhone ringtone belonged to my mother. My mother whom I love with every piece of my heart but cannot deal with lately, but to my sudden disappointment, it was none other than Kim Jongin calling.

With an exasperated sigh, I place down my chopsticks, mentally say farewell to my hot bowl of ramen and answer the phone with a forced smile. “Afternoon, Jongin.”

“Hey,” he answers shortly, causing my smile to falter a little bit. “I need you to come and pick me up. I’ve got a package I need to pick up from the Apgujeong-ro Gucci store, and a few errands to run, they’re urgent.”

Another sigh leaves my lips and I look pitifully at my lunch. “Jongin,” I begin with a matter-of-factly tone, “It’ll take me a little while to get ready, I’m about to sit down for lunch and I am not ready to leave my house so it’ll take me at least an hour to do all of that and eat. By the time I get to your place to collect you, it would have been far easier for you to have gone to do whatever it is that you need to do without me being there – especially if they are so urgent.”

“You need to take me,” I grit my teeth at the fact that he clearly didn’t listen to what I said.

“I don’t think you heard-”

“No,” Jongin cuts me off and it takes everything in me not to hang up on him. He’d just call back anyway. “I heard you clearly but I’m telling you that I need you to come with me. You’re my manager, two of these errands are for work and you know how I get with my wallet.” He adds it on like a grown man constantly forgetting his wallet isn’t the definition of a man-child.

Maybe Suni was right. Maybe Jongin does need a woman to take care of him.

I slap myself, wincing at the pain from the sudden strike. No, this is not the time to be thinking that – scratch that, there is never a time to be thinking that.

“If you’re worried about a vehicle, we can take mine. I don’t need you to necessarily drive me but I do need you to be with me.” I sigh in defeat. First, Jongin spends all week basically forgetting that I exist and treating me like I’m a mosquito constantly buzzing in his ear and now, he’s pushing me to be with him while he runs a few measly errands for himself.

“Come and get me, it’ll be faster that way since these jobs are so urgent.” I say that word with enough sarcasm for him to know that I’m mocking him. Yes, he does have a few items coming in for a photoshoot but the fact that he’s collecting them himself rather than them being delivered to the set like most other items – makes me suspicious of what else he has coming in.

I was warned that Jongin has a little habit of spending his money on things he doesn’t exactly need. Albeit, it is his money and he can spend it however he chooses but when I heard about the amount of money that he spends a month on phones and other items he needs to replace due to forgetting them – I see their concern.

“You better be ready before I get there otherwise, I’ll be sitting on my horn until you come out.” He warns and I roll my eyes, muttering to myself about how if he tries, I’ll call the cops but thankfully, he doesn’t hear me or if he did, he decided not to say anything. “What are you still doing on the phone?” He questions and I groan, hanging up without saying goodbye.

Throwing my phone angrily onto the couch, I begrudgingly finish my lunch and decide to get this day over and done with. “One of these days, Kim Jongin, I will put you in your place and you will learn to stop acting like an entitled little brat.”

I finish lunch quicker than I had hoped, before rinsing my dishes and placing them in the dishwasher; grabbing the items I need for my shower, I hear my phone ding and groan because only one person would be annoying enough to send me a message not long after we spoke on the phone.

Captain Asshat [1249] You better be getting ready; traffic has been kind to me and I’m nearly there.

“What-” There is no way, no fucking way, that he would be here soon. Even on a good day, it’s taken me roughly an hour to get from his place to my own. “He’s full of shit.” I conclude, eyeing the message suspiciously and deciding not to risk it either way. A shower would take up precious time and if Jongin truly is close by, then I don’t want my neighbours to complain about someone sitting outside the complex, tooting their horn like some asshole. He isn’t some asshole; he’s the asshole and it wouldn’t even be him that would get into trouble – it would be me and I’m not letting him get me in the shit.

Sighing, I decide to forgo the shower and just wait until later. I cannot believe this man is ruling my life like this – I’ve had ex-boyfriends less demanding and some of them had the maturity of a four-year-old.

I dress in a light pink blouse with faded blue boyfriend jeans to go with these really cute white flats that I bought the other day, and decide to go with light, natural make-up. I’m not going to work, I’m definitely not trying to impress anyone so going for the casual, but cute, look would be fine for today.

Not that I care if Jongin finds me cute or anything – I think I look cute, I mean.

Giving myself a once over, I grab my work purse and check to make sure everything is in it. It’s a plain black purse which is why I use it for work; it has my employee ID as well as an extra key to Jongin’s car, a key for the work car, a spare bank card for Jongin, a small comb and lip balm for him, as well as a power bank and charger because he’s useless and never charges his phone. I make sure I have all the things that I need, put on my flats and head out the door before Jongin decides to hold up his threat and honk.

Much to my chagrin, Jongin is not waiting for me downstairs like I thought.

In fact, it takes him twenty more minutes to arrive. Twenty minutes that I could have used to have a shower instead of fretting about him and his stupid threat!

“What the hell, Jongin?” I ask as soon as I get into the car, slamming the door shut and glaring at him. My mind is slightly side-tracked as I take in his attire; he’s wearing sunglasses on top of his head, a black mask is pushed under his chin, a large oversized, black hoodie that is giving him sweater paws and black skinny jeans to set off the look. “Also, why do you look like you’re about to walk into a sperm bank?”

Rolling his eyes, he indicates to drive off. “Sorry,” though, he didn’t sound sorry at all. “Traffic seemed to be busier than expected.” He throws me a shit-eating grin and I just glare at him, pouring as much annoyance and venom into it that I hope he chokes on it. As he pulls into the main stream of traffic, turning on his navigation and typing in the address that he needs to head to, Jongin looks at me out of the corner of his eye. “You didn’t shower – did you?”

He asks as if he already knows the answer, as if he knew that his text had caused me to rush myself getting ready because I didn’t want him to annoy anyone else today.

“No,” I huff, folding my arms across my chest and looking out the window. His laugh makes me even more pissed off than I already am and if Jongin wasn’t driving – I would hit him. “You knew I would skip it, didn’t you?” My tone is accusatory, which only causes him to laugh even harder.

“I don’t know how long it takes for you to get ready. I used to be able to ring Hyung at any time and he would have been ready long before I arrived or before I asked him to be at my place. You’re a female, I know how females are.” I scoff, muttering how he clearly doesn’t know shit under my breath. “Are you trying to say I don’t know women? That’s not how you felt on the first night we-”

I nearly cause an accident by slapping my hand over his mouth, effectively shutting him up. “Don’t. Just, don’t. That’s in the past, before I was your manager, and there is no need to bring up such a thing.”

Jongin shrugs, hopefully conceding because if he had tried to continue that conversation, my anger would have turned to nostalgia and I would be blushing rather than being able to keep a straight face. “You look cute, just so you know.” His nonchalant comment takes me completely by surprise and I choke. Noticing how he’s not looking at me, focused more on the traffic and direction, I spy the hint of a smile which shows me that he made that comment purely to get that last word in.

If it was anyone else, I would have found it cute.

But because it’s Jongin… ugh.

Have you ever had a moment where you’ve contemplated whether being an irrational woman who was just done with someone’s shit, would ever be a good argument in court when being charged with manslaughter? I have. In this very moment, as we walk towards this large building in the middle of Myeongdong, I had this very contemplation as I stare between the building floor descriptions and Kim Jongin’s fucking shit-eating grin as he looks at me.

“Are you serious?” I hiss, pulling one of the masks that Jongin has in his glove compartment over my face as I follow behind him. No wonder he’s dressed head to toe like he’s about to commit a crime! He could have told me to get some at the pharmacy or through the company like every other idol but instead this was one of the urgent errands that he had to run? “Why are we here?” I follow him up the stairs, avoiding eye contact like I’m participating in stealing or something.

I’m not, but I am extremely embarrassed because the fact that we are clearly entering this particular floor together, man and woman, isn’t something that I wanted to do with Jongin – ever.

Jongin shrugs, showing his ID to the man at the counter before making his way down the first aisle as I begrudgingly follow behind him. “I’ve run out.” He says simply.

“Yeah, no shit.” I mumble under my breath. If it wasn’t for me always being prepared while out and about on a night of drinking, we could be having a potentially different conversation.

No, scratch that. He would not have gotten any!

Jongin hums a happy tune as he picks up various items, inspecting each one and throwing the odd look my way. I roll my eyes, standing by the register and refusing to entertain him by saying anything; he seems to find more amusement in me not saying anything than if I was cussing him out because he wears a proud smile on his lips as he places the items of choice on the counter and holds out his hand for me to pass him his card. “You’re seriously going to buy all of these?” I try to refrain from blushing but I cannot help myself as I take in what he’s laid out in front of us.

Three boxes of condoms of various styles: a box of flavoured ones, ranging from banana to cool mint, textured condoms for her pleasure as well as his and the good old-fashioned plain condoms. There are some purple, fluffy handcuffs as well as a sexy cop outfit for a woman, vibrating cock rings and two bottles of lube: a bottle of strawberry and a bottle that is labelled sensual massage.

“You can either use it to massage your lover’s aching muscles or it adds a nice tingly feeling to the genitals.” Jongin leans over to whisper in my ear and I hiss, slapping him away from me because he gave me a fright. He chuckles, “You were staring so intensely, I thought you were wanting to know.”

“What you do with your sexual partners is no business of mine, Jongin.” I grumble, taking the card off the clerk and placing it back in my purse. “Now, hurry up because I don’t want to spend any more time here.”

He raises an eyebrow, “Are you sure-”

I don’t let him finish his question because I have already made my exit. It’s not that being in an adult shop is a nervous experience for me; but being in one with a man I have had previous sexual engagements with and now have to manage – definitely an issue for me.

There’s a lot of grumbling as we leave the building, me stomping my feet as I try and exit as quickly as I can. I don’t even care if Jongin is following behind me, I could care less about where his current location is because all I want to do, right now, is get as far away from this place before my mouth begins to speak without me having any control over it. That is what happens when I get to a certain level of angry, I have no filter and no control over what comes out of my mouth; it has gotten me in trouble plenty of times and yet, after all these years.

I still have no idea how to stop it.

There is silence for a short while, I see victory ahead when Jongin’s white BMW comes into view and I haven’t heard Jongin say a word. If I’m being honest, I haven’t checked over my shoulder or attempted to see whether he was following behind me, cleverly keeping quiet or had been spotted by a bunch of fans and mobbed – which would have been awkward, and slightly hilarious, considering what he just bought. I haven’t heard any inane screaming so I assume that he’s following quietly – confirmed, sadly, when he unlocks the door before I managed to get the key out of my purse.

“Are you really going to pretend to be mad while we go and get the stuff from Gucci?” He asks, rounding the car as I open the door, making a show of how pissed off I am by slamming the door and yanking the seatbelt out. He gets in and reaches over the back, placing the brown paper bag in the backseat behind him and then pauses to look at me. I refuse to look at him, his expression in my peripheral vision is still smug and I turn my head away from him, crossing my arms over my chest. “If I had asked you to gather these for me, would you?”

I don’t answer.

“If I had given you a specific list of items that I wanted for my late-night hook-ups, would you have gotten everything I asked for?” He realises I won’t answer him so he sits up straight, puts on his seatbelt and starts the car; keeping quiet until he begins getting into traffic. “If I had given you an order to go and gather items that you may-”

“Stop. Talking.” I grit out through clenched teeth, staring straight ahead and hoping he realises how close my tether is to breaking.

He snorts, “Look, I just want to make sure I’m not lacking in the pleasure department.” He uses my own words against me and that is one of the few things I absolutely hate.

I hate it more than my ex – and that is saying something.

It’s lost hope to expect my tongue to remain bitten, especially when I’m already rounding on him while we wait for the traffic lights. “If you want to hold on to things I said back when we slept together, that is your issue, stop making it mine, Jongin. I said what I said because I don’t want to sleep with you again, I was needing a night of release because I know what this job entails and having the opportunity to date – is not one of the luxuries I get. You may think this is getting back at me, but all you are doing is acting like a shitty child who didn’t get his way and quite frankly, I did not sign up to be a babysitter.” He stares at me, in total shock as evident by his wide eyes and gaping mouth; I take a moment to breathe, to calm myself because I had been holding in that snap since day one and having it off my chest, feels great.

Jongin doesn’t say a word, thankfully, for a good twenty minutes. I can see him, out the corner of my eye, throwing glances over at me as he opens his mouth to say something before shutting it and I know it’s bad to yell at my idol and say such things but really, he had it coming. Winding down the window, I rest my arm on the sill and watch as we slowly make our way through traffic; the silence is nice and when he’s not talking and being a right asshole – Jongin’s presence is tolerable. We cross the bridge, the traffic slowing down our trip and we eventually come to another standstill in the midst of Seoul afternoon traffic.

“So,” I sigh, the peace broken by that honey-silk voice. “You don’t want to sleep with me again?”

I look at him in shock. “Seriously, out of all of that – that is what you are focusing on?” Jongin shrugs, “God, you are insufferable.” I mutter before looking out the window once more.

“Was it that bad?” I scoff, shaking my head at his question because it seems so ridiculous that he would doubt his abilities in bed. Any woman with half a brain would know that Jongin knows how to move his hips, that he’s confident enough to know how to wrap you around his little finger and that he definitely knows how to please. “You’re the only woman who seems adamant on not having round two – so, I’m curious.”

“You aren’t very good at handling criticism.” I point out.

Jongin doesn’t look impressed, “I’m fine with criticism when it’s true, you were just acting like you were better.” I gasp. He really thinks I would be so childish? “Acting all high and mighty, throwing around lies before running out the door before letting me prove you wrong. It’s fine, you can admit that I was the best night of your life – it’s not like it would happen again.”

I fume. I am pretty sure there is smoke coming out of my ears as my teeth grit together and my eye twitches. Jongin is sitting there, smug and acting like he’s rejecting me when it was clearly the other way around. Ugh, whatever helps your giant, self-inflated ego!

Saying anything more, would only cause a fight to ensue and I would rather not fight with someone whom I’d have to remain in the car with until I got home – or could get out. Whichever was faster. My knee begins jumping as I try and stop myself from slamming my head into the glovebox, or screaming at Jongin about how he’s a self-entitled male who thinks he’s God’s gift to women when really, he’s nothing more than a pretty face with an average-sized penis.

So, basically to stop myself from yelling lies in an attempt to hurt Jongin’s, the man I have to work with for the foreseeable future, ego – or feelings, or both – I bite my tongue, literally.

Of course, Jongin is feeling pretty proud of himself because I haven’t responded – exploded – and reaches over to turn on the radio. His attempt to fill in this void of silence with idle chit chat from the radio host causes me to react in a way I never thought I would – childish.

It’s not until Jongin yells out in shock and slight pain, hand raising to rub his right ear and throwing a disgusted look in my direction, that I realise that I’ve flicked his ear.

Like a child.

Well, like a parent discipling their child for not listening, but the action is purely childish, if I must admit.

“What the fuck?!” He shouts, keeping his eyes on the road but showing clear annoyance. It’s not like our relationship – well, work relationship – had developed much over the past week but this look reminds me of my first day with him. “Are you fucking serious?” I quickly compose my shock into indifference, acting like I meant to physically assault him but my heart is racing because never would I have thought I would actually do such a thing.

A friend or family, sure. Someone I work with and literally holds my job in his hands – never in a hundred years.

“Find your own way home.” He speaks shortly, not elaborating further and refusing to look at me. I sigh heavily, knowing that I’ve royally screwed up and begin to dread the repercussions of what has just transpired.

I arrive at Jongin’s house, ready for another day. We haven’t spoken much since last week, which is fine by me because it’s easier to deal with him when he’s not speaking, but it doesn’t stop my nerves from going into overdrive when he opens his mouth. I always feel like he’s going to say something inappropriate, something that will make me bite back, something that could get me into trouble or worse, say something that alludes to what we did before I started my job. I mean, Jongin is an asshole, but he’s not that much of one that he would risk my job… right?

In the middle of my thoughts about whether Jongin would do something to cause me to get fired, the man himself gets into the car with a gruff, “Good morning.” This greeting actually throws me off-guard completely because in the last two weeks, Jongin hasn’t said anything along the lines of a civil good morning – at all.

“Are you feeling okay?” I ask, pulling out of his driveway without glancing at him. He hums a confirmation, not looking at me either, and we continue to drive in silence.

There’s a photoshoot for Elle today, which I am really excited about because there’s something about a magazine shoot that allows one’s creative mind to go places. “The style for today is ‘Young and Rich’.” I talk, not really knowing if Jongin is actually listening to me or not. “You’ve seen the outfits that they want you to wear, things that make you look like a young CEO with the fitted suits that are both playful and attractive. I think the grey one will look good on you…” I begin to ramble, not really sure what I’m saying or why I’m saying these things but to lighten the mood because Jongin’s complete silence and civil greeting has thrown me off. I hate when he says snide remarks but that is what I’ve gotten used to – this is uncharted territory and it makes me nervous.

And, when I’m nervous, I babble.

“They will probably ask you for the standard poses, smiling to add to that young feel because young people like smiles. I think that if you add in that ‘sexy’ look that you have, you know, the one you give fans, that’ll definitely be a hit, too.”

“Alice,” I quickly glance at Jongin. He’s not looking at me, the tone of his voice is more exasperated than annoyed and he doesn’t look angry but I can never be too careful with him. “Please, stop talking. I’ve been doing this for several years now, I know what I’m doing and the photographer will tell me what styles to go for so please, just stop.”

I want to argue, to say that I was just trying to help and be a good manager by preparing him but with the added effect of please, I decide to keep my mouth shut and keep my eyes on the road. This isn’t horrible, this silence between us, it’s like when you are in the same room as an ex or someone you used to be friends with – it’s not completely uncomfortable, you’d just rather be with anyone else but them. Jongin and I are far from being either of these things, he’s a one-night stand turned to the idol I have to manage – I don’t think there is really anything in the handbook for dealing with that – but his presence isn’t uncomfortable.

I had been attracted to him that night for an obvious reason, but I’d still rather not spend too much alone time with him, if I can help it.

We arrive at the studio and Jongin waits for me to round the car before heading into the building. Again, this is something new for our work relationship and Jongin can see that I am confused by his behaviour; I’m beginning to wonder if this is the calm before the storm, him being nice before throwing me to the wolves.

Clicking his tongue, Jongin looks at me briefly before entering the building. “Don’t be so paranoid.” He keeps his voice low, as to not be overheard. “This is the first official, out of the office type, schedule we’ve had together and I’d rather keep the reputation I have than throw it away because you can’t help but argue.” I inhale sharply, holding my breath for a few seconds before letting it out. “If we can work well, in front of everybody else, then there won’t be any problems.”

“If you stop pressing my buttons, maybe act like a decent human being for once, then we wouldn’t have problems in the first place.” I hiss under my breath, smiling when we enter the room and returning greetings to the people who come up to us. “I’ll get your usual lunch ordered so that you can have a decent meal throughout this photoshoot.” I change my tone of voice, pushing away the annoyance I’m feeling to show off my manager’s side – the professional side.

It’s not that I am not professional all the time with Jongin, it’s just that when we are alone, there’s this different air around us and we tend to say what’s on our mind rather than having to choose words wisely or refrain from saying certain things. It’s quite funny how a few co-workers have mentioned how well I manage Jongin despite it being my first time doing so alone, that we seem to work well together and that we are in sync but in reality – we are putting on an act. I have memorised Jongin’s work schedule, his habits for each thing and even his gym and eating schedules to know what he should be eating, when and how hungry he gets during the days he has to practice compared to days where he is on set for photoshoots. I have these things well and truly under control that I know if he’s binge watched a Netflix series and had a sneaky treat the night before based on how he looks when I pick him up. Two weeks in, and there is nothing about this job that I can’t handle – except Jongin when I have him alone.

“She’s very professional for a newbie.” One of the crew mentions when I begin to watch what is happening. It’s my first photoshoot attendance and I want to make notes on what happens and where Jongin should be before it starts so then I know for future shoots. “It’s not every day that you see the managers being so inquisitive about what is happening. Most of them just go and stand in the corner, watching.” They continue to talk while I go and double check that the stylists know that Jongin needs to have certain beauty products because he has sensitive skin.

But a voice makes its way to me that causes me to halt in my tracks.

“Of course, I trained her to be like that.”

I hear that smug tone and don’t even need to turn around to face him to know he’s looking at me with that fucking shit-eating grin on his face. That prick knows that right here and now, I can’t do or say anything; he knows that I will keep this fake smile on my face no matter how much he pushes my buttons because I take actual pride in my job and reputation and wouldn’t let him tarnish it.

God, he’s such a fucken child.

I walk into the dressing room; anger still present on my face but smiling as pleasantly as I can at the stylist and make-up artist preparing the outfits and products. “Hi there,” I bow, introducing myself, “I’m Alice Wallace, Jongin’s new manager.” They both smile at me and I inspect the make-up placed on the vanity, “Are these appropriate for sensitive skin?” I double-check the products, trying to remember the names of the brands that were listed as a big no-no for Jongin.

“They know these things, Alice.” Jongin waltzes into the room, bowing and smiling at the two ladies before taking his seat. “She always needs to make sure she does a good job, it’s one of the reasons she got the job – her dedication to the job.” His eyes meet mine through the mirror and he offers me a smile; one that seems kind on the outside but with that fucking teasing look in his eyes, I know he’s daring me to bite back, I know it is anything but kind.

Wriggling my nose side to side, taking a deep breath to calm myself, I apologise for being such a worrywart while rummaging through my handbag for my phone. Jongin strikes up a conversation with the make-up artist and I make a note of her name because it seems that she’s someone that he’s worked with before and is one that knows what she is doing. As I am typing, a notification for Jongin’s Instagram comes on my phone and an evil little lightbulb shines about my head as I glance quickly in his direction and notice that he hasn’t paid attention to his phone since sitting in the chair as it rests on the vanity face-down.

Chewing down on my bottom lip, opening the app and pressing the middle icon, I smile to myself as I think about what I’m about to do.

I really shouldn’t.

It will end up blowing back up in my face.

I could be oblivious to it because no one but Jongin would know that it was really me who uploaded it…

Oh, I shouldn’t. I war with myself as I scroll through my camera roll for that photo that I knew would come in handy one day.

I really shouldn’t but he’s really pushing the line with these snide remarks so why not push back?

My heart begins to race because this is new territory for me. I’m normally able to be the bigger person in these situations but there’s something about Jongin that causes me to act a little more childish compared to any other male I’ve had to deal with.

And I’ve dealt with some classic assholes.

“What are you doing?” Jongin asks, raising an eyebrow in suspicion. He looks at me through the mirror and I smile innocently, shaking my head as if to answer ‘nothing’. He huffs in disbelief, “You have this grin on your face that is making me uncomfortable.”

I tilt my head to the side, “You’re being paranoid for no reason, Kai.” I refer to him by his stage name as to keep the professionalism in place, no one needs to know that I refer to him by his real name when at work because we’ve only been working together for a short period of time therefore, we shouldn’t be that close.

I could almost laugh at how wrong, yet right, they would be.

Continuing with my plan, I try to keep it as Jongin as possible: no caption, no hashtags and no editing, which is perfect considering it is an extremely embarrassing of Jongin asleep, with his mouth open and slumped over in the backseat of the car. I managed to score this beauty the other night when practice had run a little later than normal and Jongin ended up falling asleep in the car on the drive home. Most people would think he looked pretty but this, with the small line of drool clearly seen on the side of his mouth, was anything but pretty.

It’s uploaded, phase one is complete. Without missing a beat, because if I wait too long then Jongin’s phone will be blowing up with notifications, I head into the settings and go through the process of changing his Instagram password.

I can’t believe I’m doing this. I repeat to myself as I begin to type in the same password but adding a ‘1’ at the end of it. I can’t believe I’m really, actually, fucking doing this. I let out the breath I was holding when it’s done and realise that I’m shaking with Jongin’s eyes still on me in the mirror, his lips in a hard line as he tries to figure out what it is that I’m planning.

“I have a date,” I announce, throwing him off the scent. “Tomorrow night.”

Looking away, Jongin shrugs. “Okay.” He responds with a slight hint of disapproval in his tone but I don’t pay enough attention to it to care.

Wait until he finds out the truth.

The photoshoot is quite interesting to watch, they play different music and Jongin is doing various things like moving in time with the music or sometimes doing random hand gestures or poses on the command of the photographer. I have no idea how he doesn’t go blind from all the flashing lights around him but I assume that because of his lifestyle, he’s used to it.

My phone begins vibrating heavily in my hand, alerting me to the arrival of Jongin’s lunch and I check the time, five minutes before break – perfect. While Jongin ignores my departure from the room, I quickly check his Instagram and see the fans going absolutely crazy over it; the comments are a mix of laughter because you can’t deny that it is hilarious and fans, being how they always are, saying that he looks ‘so cute’. I try my best not to gag at those comments because those are the fans who would tell him that the hair in his nose looked cute.

You know, the weird ones.

As I put my phone back in my pocket, Jongin walks in as I’m spreading his food out on the table. Neither of us say a word, Jongin sits down and I take my leave; he has a half hour break so I’m able to head out and grab a coffee and something sweet before having to come back. I’m about to head out the door but a very annoyed voice, mixed painfully with a sing song tone, echoes around the studio. “Alice!” I let out a sigh, shoulders sinking because I know that he’s figured it out and I’m about to get it in the neck.

Though, I’m surprised he isn’t screaming the studio down. I guess he isn’t that big of a child after all.

I make my way back towards his dressing room and I can tell immediately that he’s doing his very best to keep calm – not very well, but he’s trying. I think I can actually see the tick in his jaw as he stands before me with his hands by his side and eyes darkening with every second that they are on me. Jongin takes another second to look at me before walking past, giving a wide berth, and closing the dressing room door; he doesn’t seem to care if anyone has seen him do so because he’s about ready to blow so it is probably safer that no one comes in.

Click. That sound, the sound of my fate being sealed, causes me to jump slightly because not only is there going to be no witnesses – no one will be able to save me if I scream.

“Would you care to explain?” There’s this sudden depth to his voice, his voice is naturally deep but normally it doesn’t have that… low, hostile, I’m-going-to-kill-you depth.

I don’t turn to look at him, I don’t know if he’s still standing by the door or if he’s right behind me as I stand in the middle of the small room. “I don’t know what you are talking about.” I try to keep the tremor out of my voice, try to hide the sound of me swallowing my nerves as I hear Jongin take a step closer to me.

“Take a look at the message on my phone and try answering again.”

I nod in encouragement to myself as I slowly make my way towards the table where Jongin’s phone rests, screen on and waiting for me to see. I bite my lip as I see the EXO group chat open with several comments from Baekhyun and Sehun, teasing him about how he was drooling. “What are they talking about?” I ask, hoping I sound completely clueless.

“I don’t know,” I can hear Jongin stalking towards me, the fabric of his expensive denim jeans rubbing together as he moves slowly in my direction. I swallow thickly, trying not to melt under the intensity of the glare I can feel on the back of my neck.

It really feels like daggers.

“What could they possibly be talking about, Alice?” He asks, voice low as he stands right behind me and I almost jump at the closeness; I can feel the warmth of him against my back and I’m sure if I was to turn around, I’d come face-to-neck with him. “Why is it that when I go to check my Instagram, like Lucas told me, I cannot access it?” I feel his chest against my back and I tense up when his breath fans against my cheek, “would you care to explain?” Jongin growls out and I hate to admit that part of me almost melts for a different reason other than fear.

“I-” Oh shit, I’m speechless. I’m never speechless. “I-I may have… changed… your password.”

Admitting it out loud makes me sound way more childish than I thought it would.

“You changed my password,” Jongin repeats, his voice surprisingly calm despite the fact he hasn’t moved. “You changed my password like some petty girlfriend having a temper tantrum. I thought you were better than that.”

Girlfriend? Petty?!

Turning around, I try to ignore how the satin, salmon shirt has the top three buttons free and that the colour seems to look really good on him; match that with his dark blue jeans and the Gucci belt – Jongin looks like a full snack.

But I try to ignore all that as I lift my head up slightly to stare at him. Without heels, Jongin is a head taller than me and this gives him an unfair advantage when we are trying to glare at each other at such a close distance.

“Excuse me,” I drag out the words with enough sass to impress Sehun. “If you hadn’t taken credit for the hard work that I’ve put in to getting this job and remaining professional despite how much of an asshole you are, none of this would have happened.”

“Oh, so you’re saying this is… my fault?” Jongin raises his eyebrow in faux surprise while taking a step forward which effectively pushes me back until my backside touches the edge of the table. “That I pushed you into behaving like some bratty, childish girlfriend which caused you to upload a picture of me, which you took without my permission, onto social media and change my password to, what, teach me a lesson?”

“I’m not your girlfriend, stop saying that!”

“Well, that’s what they do when they are mad, don’t they? They act out and do something behind their boyfriend’s back to get back at them. I should be lucky that we aren’t dating otherwise you’d probably go and fuck one of my friends to show me who’s boss.” His anger begins to match mine as we narrow our eyes and begin to breathe heavily. “What’s the password, Alice?”

“I’m not telling you,” I huff out in defiance, refusing to let him win.

Jongin takes a step closer, trapping me between him and the table as he leans closer and places his hands on either side to make sure I can’t escape. “Tell me the fucken password.” He growls out, teeth gritted and jaw tense.

“No.” The growl he releases is felt against me as he presses closer. “You want to act like you trained me like some dog then you can suffer for longer.”

“Don’t test me.”

I scoff, “What are you going to-” My words are completely cut off when Jongin’s mouth presses against mine with such force that I am taken by surprise. I lean away, eyes wide as I try to steady myself from Jongin chasing my lips and pressing his body against mine.

The kiss is rough and Jongin growls when I take too long to respond, nipping at my bottom lip and assaulting my mouth with his tongue when I gasp. My brain finally catches up to what is happening and logically, I know that the best thing to do right now, is to push Jongin off me and slap him for doing such a thing but my brain seems to have another idea when my eyes flutter closed and I grab Jongin’s collar to pull him impossibly closer.

I can’t help but moan at the roughness of the kiss, the raw emotions welled up inside us as his hands move from gripping the table to holding my waist and encouraging me to sit on the table. I spread my legs open, wrapping them around his waist and connecting our hips as we noisily kiss and moan; my hands make quick work of the remaining buttons, desperate to feel that smooth chest and rippled abdomen beneath my fingertips again as Jongin’s hands massage the curves of my waist as his hips begin to roll against me.

“You drive me fucking insane,” he breaks the kiss, words breathy as he tries to catch his breath before gripping my chin and tilting it sideways to allow access to my neck. “You have no idea how many times I’ve wanted to shut that mouth of yours up,” he gently bites the most sensitive part of my neck and smirks at the moan I release.

I have to bite my lip as he nuzzles under the collar of my shirt to get to the skin that won’t be noticed after this, sucking a deep purple blemish on my shoulder before pulling away and looking at me. “Don’t talk. You’ll ruin the moment.” I pull him back in for another kiss, unable to get enough of those velvet lips even if every time he opens them, he pisses me off.

At least, this way, he can put them to good use.

Pride bubbles in my chest when my hands travel down his taut, muscular torso and Jongin lets out a deep moan when I cup the growing erection in his jeans, rolling his hips against my palm to get some friction. I have him eating out of the palm of my hand, literally, but I can’t deny that I want this just as badly as he does as Jongin sucks on my tongue and groans when I slightly massage the bulge.

“Stop fucking teasing.” He groans against my lips; a slight whine replaces the growl in his tone.

I smile against his lips, tongue sneaking out to trace over his bottom lip as he instinctively opens his mouth to let me in. “You really think I would let you fuck me in the dressing room during your break?” A knock on the door, followed by the announcement that he needs to get ready for the second round, allows me a moment to escape. My eyes open, glancing over at the door before meeting Jongin’s gaze, his eyes open and watching my face as his lips are still slightly parted while touching mine. “Looks like your fantasy is over.”

I manage to make my escape when Jongin pulls away with a disappointed groan, running his hand over his face before glaring at me. “What’s the damn password? At least give me that.”

I look at my reflection in the mirror, tidying up my hair and reapplying my lipstick before straightening my shirt and hoping that all the evidence is gone from sight. Jongin’s cologne is still heavy on my clothes but other than saturating the air with more harmful chemicals, there is no way to get rid of that and I just pray that no one puts two and two together – or if they do, they keep it to themselves.

Walking towards the door, I place my hand on the handle before looking over at Jongin, regretting it instantly as I catch a glimpse of his golden chest and remember the fire that was lit in my core that I now have to try and ignore. Clearing my throat, I catch his attention, “The password is the same but with a ‘1’ at the end of it.”

Without giving him any opportunity to start anything else, I make my escape as quickly as I can and avoid as many people as I can in my effort to rush to the ladies’ room.

What the hell have I done?

The car ride is quiet, the rest of the photoshoot went by quickly but I could barely pay attention to it as the throbbing between my legs seemed to only return whenever I looked at Jongin; I could barely concentrate on anything other than the way his lips felt on mine and the burning passion that he created inside me that I wished would go away. A sigh leaves my lips as I slow down at the traffic lights and briefly look out the window while Jongin sits in the backseat, refusing to speak to me.

Originally, he was mad because of the interruption but as the day progressed, his mood seemed to sour further because he missed out on eating lunch – which he had no problem blaming me for. Normally, I would fight this, tell him he’s being ridiculous but I cannot deny that I had some part in his foul mood by changing his password.

If only I hadn’t acted that way, none of this would have happened. Wow, hindsight is a wonderful thing, indeed.

I look at the clock as we begin to move again, glancing up at the rear-view mirror where Jongin is looking at his phone. I need to make this right, not because I want Jongin to forgive me but because I don’t want my idol fainting during dance practice because he hasn’t had a decent meal. “Hey Siri,” I say loudly, waiting for the ding to show that it’s picked up the command. “Directions to Wolfgang Steakhouse.”

“Okay, bringing up directions to Wolfgang Steakhouse.”

“What are you doing?” Jongin asks gruffly, “I have practice.”

Nodding, I point to how close we are to the restaurant. “If we stop and have something to eat now, you’ll settle your stomach before practice. I have your training gear in the boot of the car along with some spare clothes for afterwards so you can have a shower and change before practice as well having clean clothes to change into before heading home.” He doesn’t say anything for a moment and I don’t know whether to continue or not – so I do. “Practice isn’t for another two hours; it isn’t ideal to go out for dinner but I would rather know you’ve had some good protein and a hot meal before practice than you to eat something from the convenience store.”

“Hmph,” I look in the mirror and see Jongin looking at me with an impressed grin. “You really think of everything, don’t you?” The compliment is out of the blue and I clear my throat to disperse my unsure emotions.

I thoroughly dislike that his compliment made me feel good.

I focus on the road, refusing to look back at him. “It’s what I have to do to make sure you are at the best of your abilities and that you are well looked after.”

“You know, letting me finish what I started would be considered a good job too.” I shake my head, not wanting to go down this path.

“Jongin,” I indicate to turn the corner, “this is not the time or the place to be talking about what happened.”

“Then, when can we?”

I shrug, “Never? It was inappropriate and it shouldn’t have happened.” I don’t even have to look at him to know the expression he gives me – the normal look he always gives me, the one of annoyance. I sigh, I would very much prefer going back to the Jongin who would make snide remarks and argued rather than the one who wants to talk about our lapse in judgement that only happened because tension is high. Does he think that there is potential for something more? That we could even play with the idea that there could be something more? Shaking my head, I get rid of the notion and reprimand myself for even thinking that there is something else there other than physical attraction that is based purely off a one night.

He was a good fuck but that’s all it was, there’s no reason to think about what could be or may be if we went down the path of romance because that is completely and utterly out of the question.

That’s what I keep telling myself, anyway.

The rest of the drive turns into an awkward silence; Jongin seems to resort to ignoring me once more while I try and remind myself that this day is almost over and that while Jongin is practicing, I am able to make my escape for a few hours until it is time for him to head home. The navigation alerts me to the arriving destination and Jongin is more than ready to get out of the car, even risking it before I stop completely.

Dinner is going to be just… perfect.

Which it is… not. Dinner with Jongin after what transpired today, is like having the sex talk with your parents or even better, watching a sex scene in a movie that prompts the dreaded talk with thy parents.

“Do you know what you want to order?” I ask, clearly nervous because I’m instantly regretting such an intimate setting for a ‘quick bite’. Jongin grumbles something incoherently and I roll my eyes, “Can we please get one of this,” I point to the meal I know Jongin often gets here, “and this.” I point to a simple, classic steak meal.

“Medium rare for mine.” Jongin quickly adds before the waiter leaves.

“For both, thank you.” The waiter nods, making a quick note and closing the door behind him which leaves us. Alone. In this room. Together.

The first thing we decide to do is grab our phones; like those socially awkward couples that are on their first date and have no idea what to talk about so they turn to their phone. We ignore each other like everyone else does by paying attention to the screen in our hands, scrolling through social media and watching as those minutes painfully tick by, and it works – until Jongin seems interested in actual conversation.

“We could have been caught today.” He smirks, weirdly amused by that thought.

“Thanks for reminding me.” I return my attention to my phone, scheduling a date with Suni that involves a shit ton of alcohol.

Jongin remains quiet for a moment, “After what happened today, this is almost like a date.”

“Don’t.”

“What?”

“This isn’t a date,” I clarify, “this is me, a manager of a globally famous K-Pop idol, making sure that you, the aforementioned K-Pop idol, doesn’t pass out during practice tonight because of a lapse in judgement.”

Jongin scoffs, “is that what you call it? A lapse in judgement?” His tone is mocking but there’s an underlying hint of hurt. It could be because Jongin is so used to getting what he wants with a smile, a pout or just by existing, that being shut down is something that adds a weird spice to his life.

“What else would you call it?”

“Hot.” I look up at him in shock, seeing that famous smirk in play as he gauges my reaction and I shut every emotion down, place on the iron-clad mask so he doesn’t see anything that he shouldn’t. “It’s fun watching you lose control.”

I’m about to answer but the waiter returns with our orders. “Thank you,” Jongin and I incline our heads before I turn towards him as soon as the door closes. “It won’t happen again so it’s best to leave it in the past.” I pick up my knife and fork and begin to eat, hoping that a hungry stomach will stop him from pushing the matter.

I shouldn’t be surprised when it doesn’t.

“All I’m saying is-”

With a loud, exaggerated sigh, I place down my knife and fork and look Jongin squarely in the eyes; I make sure he sees that I mean business and that enough is enough. “If you are needing a form of release, specifically that of the sexual kind then I am happy to arrange something if you cannot find the time or person yourself but please understand that I am your manager – not your booty call.” I return to eating my meal while waiting for Jongin to follow suit, when he doesn’t, I look at him while chewing on a juicy, tender piece of steak. “Eat up otherwise I am not going to take responsibility for what happens during practice.”

That’s when I see it. The forming of the pout and I have to quickly train my eyes on my plate so I don’t fall under its spell.

He will not use that on me, I will not let that be my downfall. I have heard many rumours about Jongin’s famous, heart-melting pout and I refuse to let it be my downfall.

Sitting on the chair in the corner of the room, I nod my head along with the music, liking the title track that Jongin has chosen to go with for his album. He’s wearing a tight fitting, grey work out shirt and loose, black sweats and watching him dance across the floor with such control and basically oozing sex despite only being a practice causes me to need to take a step outside.

Which is fine, it started to get hot in there anyway.

I lean against the wall, taking a deep breath before slapping my palm against my forehead. The other day, I didn’t have an issue sitting in his practice and watching, taking notes because it does intrigue me about how well he moves and the control he has over his body but tonight – I cannot concentrate. The kiss means nothing, or it should mean nothing because we are nothing to each other than a bit of fun in the past and a mistake recently. We work together, that is all and ugh, I cannot believe I let my guard down with him – that I allowed myself to be pulled into him.

I stare ahead with a look of determination, I will not let Jongin captivate me; I am not some fan who admires him, adores him and would do anything for him. No, I am his manager and a professional, I won’t let this get to me because I am bigger than this! I refuse to let Suni’s words become true because I am not going to fall for Jongin’s charms.

Ever.

As I give myself my little pep talk, trying to bring myself back to the strong woman I am instead of letting my hormones control me – because that will only cause problems – my phone begins to ring. My mother tends to have such a terrible habit of calling at the most inappropriate of times. “Hello,” I answer gruffly, not even sure if I should have picked up at all – especially a video call.

“Alice? Where are you?” I roll my eyes, “Don’t you roll your eyes at me. Why are you out and not at home?”

“I’m working,” I look around and make sure that nobody is around. The music can be faintly heard so I assume Jongin is still going strong. “What do you want? It’s late.”

My mother doesn’t look overly impressed with my attitude and her face shows it. “Alice, I understand that I may be inconveniencing you by calling you but you know that I worry. You’re over in a new country and by yourself – unmarried and hardworking. This worries me because I feel like you’ve just decided to run away instead of making a commitment.”

“Mum,” I don’t need to go down this path with her again, especially not here. “Korea isn’t a new country; you know I’ve been back and forth for years now and I am not alone, I have Suni and plenty of other friends here. Working hard isn’t such a problem, I thought you were proud of me?”

She smiles sadly, “Of course, I am. It’s just that after everything that happened with Jordan, I worry that you’ve run away to get away from how you feel.”

“No.” I answer a little harsher than I mean to. “Jordan and I were over before it was really over, I didn’t run away from anything because there was nothing left there for me. I wasted time on a man who only cared about how much attention he got and constantly craved it – I’m not going to make that mistake again.”

“So, you’re just never going to date again? Me and your father are just meant to accept that we won’t ever get grandchildren or that he’ll never get to walk you down the aisle.”

“Oh, for Christ’s sake, Mum!” I snap, sick of hearing her guilt trip me over and over again with these same reasons. “My life isn’t going to be over just because I turn thirty and remain unmarried without children. I have a good career and right now, I don’t want anything serious because I want to secure a future for myself. If I meet someone along the way, that’s fine but I’m not going to force myself to love someone solely because you only care about grandchildren.” That guilt that I had just gotten rid of from earlier events, comes flooding back when I see the tears well up in my mother’s eyes. “You need to let me live my life, please. I know you worry but you don’t need to – I’ll do this in my own time. Please understand that.”

There’s silence and I break inside when I hear her sniff, leaning against the wall and sliding down until I sit on the ground with my legs pulled to my chest.

“I’m sorry, Mumma.” Tears begin to well in my eyes. Many people might think it’s stupid but after a severely bad break-up with a man I was engaged to, a man I planned a future with, only to have him toss it aside whenever he felt like it – I decided to not to allow my heart to be swayed so easily again.

Moving back here, getting away from all the memories, may seem like running away to many people but in reality, it was always in the cards to come back but it just seemed to be more beneficial to do so and start afresh completely. Thankfully, I had everything I needed to come back and my boss at the time had already made suggestions that I take this opportunity.

Life had given me the chance and I took it – why can’t she just let me live the life I’ve chosen instead of making me feel bad because my life didn’t follow in her footsteps?

“Mum?” I wipe the tears from my eyes, waiting for her to look at me. “I love you.”

“I love you, too, my dear.” The smile doesn’t reach her eyes and I know I’ve hurt her with what I said. “I just want you to be happy.”

“I am happy, Mum. I promise I am. I also promise that I won’t close myself off to love, just please – stop pushing.” She nods and we bid each other farewell before hanging up. I take a moment to breathe, needing to compose myself because I cannot walk back into the room with puffy eyes from crying.

“Alice?” Even though the concern in his honey-sweet voice is new to me, there is no mistake that it is Jongin saying my name. “Is everything okay?”

I sniff, quickly removing the evidence of my tears before pushing myself off the floor and placing my phone back in my pocket. I know that Jongin must have overheard parts of the conversation but there is only so much of him that I can handle and talking about something personal and giving him the chance to mock me is not high on my to do list. “Everything’s fine,” His lips are tugged down into a frown and I know he doesn’t believe me but he doesn’t push – surprisingly. “Have you finished?” I notice that he’s changed his shirt and shoes and he confirms this by nodding and lifting his duffel bag up. “Shall we get going then, I’ll be with you bright and early tomorrow morning to get you for the meeting so I suggest a good night’s rest.”

Jongin opens his mouth to say something but I make it very clear that I don’t want to talk – to him especially – by turning on my heel and making my way to the garage. The faster I drop him off, the faster I can get home and the faster I can be rid of this emotional roller coaster of a day.

I am definitely needing a wine when I get home.

There’s something that I’ve learnt since working with Jongin, probably one of the only things I’ll ever agree with him on, is that early morning meetings are the worst idea ever. How Mark, Ten and Baekhyun are wide awake and attentive is beyond me because I am sipping on my third cup of coffee this morning while Jongin looks like a dead man warmed up in the seat next to me. I’ve had to nudge him awake twice already but that’s nothing compared to Taemin, who is looking really spaced out across the table, Taeyong, who has his elbow on the table looking at the board, cheek pressed into the palm with his mouth open, and Lucas, who is… asleep.

I’m doing my best to make notes, typing as fast as I can on the attached keyboard to my iPad; this isn’t just for my benefit as I doubt I’m absorbing as much information as I should be but because I know for a fact that Jongin’s mind is still half way out of bed even though he had a coffee this morning.

Which he complained about.

The typing allows me to stop thinking about what happened with my mother last night. This morning I woke up to a very displeased message from my father about everything that happened; I knew that if he could call then he would have rung and resorted me into a crumbling mess like he always does but luckily, the message only had half the effect and I was able to stop the tears every time I thought about it.

A hand rests on my lap, a gentle squeeze to my knee and when I look down, realising the hand belongs to a certain man by the name Kim Jongin – I don’t feel the overwhelming need to throw him off, to hiss and snap because maybe, the slightest gesture of comfort is nice. Yes, I shouldn’t get things twisted and as I look at Jongin briefly, he isn’t bringing attention to the fact that he’s knowingly comforting me and crossing a serious line.

He’s facing the front like everyone else, his thumb gently stroking over my knee and almost as quickly as the comfort came – it’s gone.

As I return my complete attention to what I was doing before being distracted, I feel the faint wetness of a tear on my cheek and realise that I wasn’t as good as hiding my weaker state than I thought. The fact that Jongin actually noticed this, while everyone else was paying attention to what was happening in the meeting, doesn’t go unnoticed and causes a question: why was he paying such close attention to me? Do I dare entertain the thought that he may not be as cold as he seems? That, maybe, under all those smug smiles is actually a man who could, potentially, care?

For fuck sakes, Alice, you really need to pull yourself together.

The drama with Mum last night about settling down and having children must have gone to my head because I’m starting to believe he would be a fit candidate when he’s anything but that. It’s not that he wouldn’t be, I’m sure for the right woman, Jongin is perfect but ugh, the way he pushes my buttons and the fact he’s just a dick basically pushes him off the potential list and right down to the ‘never ever in a million years’ part.

If I am being real with my family, and myself, I do want kids. It’s just not something that I feel I need to have right now, maybe if the right man came along then sure, but right now I want to focus on myself and getting everything in order so that I never end up back in the same boat as I did when my previous relationship turned to shit. Maybe I’ll adopt if things end up looking like I can never allow someone in again, but for this moment, for the foreseeable future – I’m okay as I am. Not many people might be content in their life but I really am and that’s more important than trying to fit into the standards that my parents try to put me into.

I seem to be so invested in my own internal dialogue that I don’t even realise that we are all leaving the meeting until I see a hand wave in front of my face. “Hello, Earth to Alice.” I refrain from slapping his hand away and begin to pack everything up, “are you okay?” Jongin lowers his voice, trying not to sound too concerned but I can see it in his eyes when he looks at me before standing up to follow behind everyone else.

“I’m fine,” I grumble back, disliking greatly that Jongin is acting differently. It’s not unpleasant behaviour – actually, I think I would have liked him a lot better if he was like this all the time but because he isn’t, this causes me to be more cautious around him. What if his concern is purely to get me to lower my guard so he can tease me about being distracted at work, or making up some stupid reason as to why I am distracted like this?

I quickly pack up and follow, “would you like to talk about…” Jongin trails off, tensing and I can see the mask falling back into place. “Never mind.” He says before putting distance between us, causing me to scowl until Mark Lee comes over while everyone is standing by the elevator and smiles at me.

“Did you take notes all throughout?” He asks, smiling widely as I nod. “Thank God, I may have looked like I was paying attention but I think I fell asleep with my eyes open and yeah.” I giggle into my hand, the sound catching Jongin’s attention as his head nearly snaps in our direction but I see his jaw clench as I stand in the middle of him and Mark.

“I can email them to you, if you’d like?” His head begins to nod up and down quickly, “you can give me your email address when we are having lunch. If you have any questions about my quick notes, you can ask then as well.”

The smile he gives me lifts a huge weight off my shoulders. It doesn’t take away how I feel but it definitely lightens my previously brooding mood as he begins to ask me questions about myself and looks surprised by my answers. He doesn’t leave my side and we chat the entire way down to the back room of SM’s restaurant inside the building; he’s a real sweetheart, a chatterbox but in a sweet way. He slips between Korean and English a lot which is something I tend to do when speaking to someone who understands both but it isn’t until we are all seated, that he really starts to shine.

Jongin is sitting on my left side, chatting to Taemin and resuming his normal behaviour of ignoring me while Mark is sitting on my right, struggling to maintain that formality when he switches to English. “I’m sorry,” he bows his head, blushing slightly when Jongin makes a harsh remark about how Mark referred to me informally.

“You need to be careful, stop speaking to her informally because she’s my manager.” Mark’s cheeks turn a deeper red and Jongin looks slightly pleased that he’s stopped the younger’s talking. This doesn’t sit too well with me; Mark wasn’t doing anything wrong, he was excited and sure, he ended nearly every English sentence with ‘and yeah’, but he meant no harm.

Placing a hand on Mark’s shoulder, I smile at him. “Don’t worry, please speak informally to me. It’ll make things a lot more comfortable for the both of us.” Jongin looks at me, clear disdain in his eyes which I match with a glare of my own. “Besides, Jongin speaks informally to me and not only am I his manager – I’m also older.”

“Would you like me to call you Noona then?”

If I had anything in my mouth, I would have spat it out but luckily, I maintained composure and smiled politely; I would do anything to make sure that Jongin wasn’t going to get one up on me in front of the group. Also, I definitely didn’t want him to know how the way he said Noona greatly affected me in a way it shouldn’t. “You can call me whatever you like, Jongin – as long as it’s appropriate.”

I should have known that I was walking into a trap, I should have known that I was making a grave mistake but I didn’t know that Jongin had set up the bait which I had taken so easily.

“Alright… Noona.” I give him a look of warning and Jongin merely shrugs his shoulders, picking up his fork before stabbing it into his tteokbokki and shoving it in his mouth. “You said as long as it’s appropriate.”

Grumbling to myself, I focus on my own food. “Whatever,” I hiss under my breath which Jongin hears and smirks about. “You have dinner with your family tonight, once you’ve finished eating, I’ll take you there.”

The rest of the group watch curiously as we argue, Taemin grinning knowingly while Lucas and Mark look at each other with equally confused looks. I take a sip of my coffee, hoping it will calm me down and help me get through lunch without Jongin and I bickering in front of everyone. He seems annoyed about something but whatever it is – isn’t really my problem. Yes, I have to make sure that my idol is at the best of his abilities but his mood isn’t something I can fix or control so I’ll let him have this because it’s easier than trying to get him to behave like an actual grown up.

Mark spends the rest of the lunch chatting happily with me with Lucas pitching in every so often with a mouth full of food. They are both adorable young men, full of life and unlike a certain someone, they actually know how to hold a proper conversation without making some snide or derogatory comment. Mark reminds me of my little brother and even beams when he’s given a compliment and I don’t miss the sideways glances that Jongin gives as he talks to Taemin and Baekhyun, the tick in his jaw and the tension in his shoulders when he hears me laugh or one of the others compliment me.

“Noona,” I look at Mark and he’s blushing slightly as he reaches for the necklace resting against my collarbones. “This is really pretty.”

The moment that his fingers touch the greenstone, Jongin stands up abruptly and begins to leave. “Let’s go.” He says, saying a quick farewell before collecting his jacket and hitting the button to exit the room with me scrambling to collect my things and chase after him.

Nobody says a word, watching as I bow and apologise for his behaviour and as I leave the room, I notice that Jongin is already nearing the elevator with a camera or two focused on him. This is going to create a shitstorm, I groan, knowing I will have to do damage control because I’m sure Jongin doesn’t look very impressed as he briskly makes his way through the restaurant. “Jongin,” I manage to reach the elevator before the doors close and am unsure whether I should be concerned about what’s bothering him or if I should be annoyed with his behaviour.

I go for annoyed.

“Do you know what I’m going to have to do to make sure rumours don’t spark.”

Jongin shrugs, that fucken ‘I-don’t-care’ shrug. “You’re the one who chased after me, maybe if you had just followed me instead of-” He huffs out an exasperated breath before shaking his head. “You know what, don’t worry about it.”

I can feel my eye beginning to twitch at his attitude. Don’t worry about it?! Is he being serious? “What is your problem?”

“Nothing.”

“Don’t nothing me,” I turn my whole body to face him, grabbing his arm and turning him in my direction. “You’ve had a stick up your ass since the meeting, what’s your problem?”

“Alice, seriously, stop.” The warning is clear but no, I don’t listen. I don’t listen because he’s acting strange; first with the comforting, then with the attitude and telling Mark off and now this. I don’t care what his problem is but what I do care about is when his attitude seems to be directed at me – when it isn’t my fucking issue to have to deal with.

“No, you know what, I have to deal with this all the time. Every single day, I have to put up with you pushing my buttons or acting all strange; you seriously cannot make up your mind and when you throw a temper tantrum like that back there,” I wave my arms around to emphasize. “You expect me to just stop?”

“What the fuck do you want me to say, huh? What could I possibly say to get you to drop it?”

“Um, let me think,” I tap my chin, pretending to think about it. “Maybe you could just say what your issue is so I can deal with it.”

Jongin scoffs, “It’s not something that you can deal with.”

I fold my arms over my chest, giving him my best sceptical look. “Try me.”

He moves faster than I expected, hands cradling my face as he takes me by surprise and kisses me. This is different, this isn’t like the photoshoot, fuelled by anger and tension – this is almost… passionate. Just as quickly as his lips touch mine, Jongin pulls away with a torn look on his face and makes a quick getaway when the elevator stops, dings and allows his escape – while I stand still in shock, trying to figure out what the hell just happened.

The moment I pull up to his mother’s place, Jongin is about to get out. I chew my bottom lip, unsure whether I should address the tense silence that filled the car the entire drive over. When Jongin kissed me before leaving the elevator, he continued to do what Jongin does best and ignore me; he even put headphones in, just so he wouldn’t hear me speak. I wasn’t sure how to feel about it, I still am unsure how to feel about it because it’s… like why?! It’s not only inappropriate for him to have done such a thing, jeopardising my job but also, why did it feel so passionate?

The tension in the car grew as my mind tried to make sense of what was going on. I was acutely aware of everything Jongin did, every movement his mouth made when he sang quietly along to the songs he listened to as well as where his hands were. He had run his hand through his hair sixteen times while we were on our way here, bit his bottom lip at least thrice while choosing songs and never glanced in my direction while I was heavily distracted by his presence. My lips still tingled with the kiss, tongue peeking out to lick them to try and stop the sensation of his lips against mine.

That’s the problem with Jongin, he makes me a mess. He doesn’t quite know it because I’m still figuring it out myself but he does. He knows exactly what buttons to push to get me fired up which has started to cause a little trouble as we begin to get a little too close for comfort. He does a complete 180 and shows the smallest hint of kindness which I have no clue if he’s being sincere or trying to throw me off; then he acts rude and petty towards his younger member for some unknown reason. I shake my head, cursing myself for trying to put so much meaning into all these strange behaviours Jongin’s displaying – whatever his issues are, are none of my concern.

“You have tomorrow off but the next day is a full schedule; not only do you have the comeback stage for your solo, you also have an interview with SuperM to attend and a radio show appearance to promote your album.” I try to disregard the tension between us, refusing to bring up his attitude or the kiss. “I can either come to collect you later on tonight, or I can pick you up tomorrow.”

Jongin looks at me, taking a moment before scoffing and getting out of the car. “I’ll call you.” He says, sounding slightly annoyed but I don’t push for more. After what happened at the photoshoot, Jongin kept pushing for more, what more was, is still uncertain but I will not give him the satisfaction of trying to talk to him about the out-of-the-blue kiss in the elevator because he’ll use it against me.

Without waiting for him to enter the premises, I leave and rush home as fast as the traffic will take me. I have the night off, no need to wait by the phone for a call and free to actually let my hair down enough to have some decent fun. Suni has been riding my ass about having another night out – though, I doubt she’ll be on the prowl considering her dashing blonde-haired beau is tagging along.

“Damn, angel, if looks could kill!” I laugh, grabbing the drink and finishing it off while playfully twirling in my new black, sequin dress. “Where has this been hiding? Did you get it for a special occasion with a special man?” She wriggles her eyebrows and I roll my eyes, causing her to laugh.

“Come off it,” I grab my make-up bag and we both get to work on painting our canvases – which is always funny to us because our definition of make-up is bare minimum but making the eyes and lips pop. “I wouldn’t bother putting this much effort in for him.” She snorts and I click my tongue before applying my lipstick, a deep red to show that I mean business tonight. With a lovely lip smack and winking at Suni in the mirror, I pull away to give myself a once over, pleased with how I look. “Rule for tonight, no talking about him.”

“About who?” Ugh, she can act as innocent as she wants but I know she’s just getting me to say his name.

“You know who.”

“Lord Voldemort?” She grins and I threaten to punch her which causes her to raise her hands up in defence, “okay, okay, we won’t talk about the man who has ruined every other man for you. Your literal God in human form.”

My eye twitches. It seems that not only does the man that I have to deal with basically every single day love to push my buttons and rile me up – my best friend enjoys it, too.

I’ll show her that Kim Jongin means nothing to me, that there is absolutely nothing there and that he has not ruined men for me. “Let’s go,” I put all our items in one handbag and make my way towards the door. Suni giggles as she follows behind me, texting on her phone to tell lover boy that we’re on our way down.

“Hold on,” she pulls me close, kissing my cheek as she talks a picture of the two of us, “Perfect.” She immediately begins to apply filters and posts it on Instagram. I laugh, hurrying her out the door and shaking my head.

The club we decided to head to is in Gangnam, why we chose to go here is beyond me but it’s where Taehee has decided to take us tonight and she’s definitely not complaining. The music is great, the alcohol definitely makes me want to go onto the dance floor and dance but the men – they are dismal at best. “No,” I say for the umpteenth time that night, sighing as I take another sip of my drink and sway my body in time with the music while Suni and Taehee make out on the dance floor. I told her that she’s not allowed to leave without me this time and so I’m definitely keeping my eyes on her.

Trying not to let the lack of decent men taint my night out, I head over to the bar, hoping that maybe something stronger will help make these men more attractive. There’s a huge problem though as I finish drink number four – the more alcohol I drink only seems to cause me to compare every man to that disgustingly handsome man who is haunting my thoughts with his damn, defined torso and a neck that is perfect for biting. Seriously, fuck him for being so goddamn sexy without doing anything more than biting them luscious lips and running those talented fingers through those tuggable locks. Guy number five isn’t tall enough, guy number three’s smile didn’t seem to be right and let’s not even talk about how number seven’s voice was higher than mine!

Stupid Jongin and his stupid superior looks.

I order another drink, looking around for Suni and Taehee as I wait and find them dancing happily near where they were before. I’m glad they are having fun; it’s been a while since she’s been smitten with someone but it doesn’t take away the slight tinge of jealousy of not being able to wrap my arms around someone’s neck and laugh like she is.

I check my phone and see that she’s tagged me in the picture. She’s got a wonderful eye and always seems to know how to make any picture from any angle look professional. I spend that time scrolling through my Instagram, looking pathetically lonely as I take a moment to drink my… oh God, I don’t even know how many drinks I’ve had since I’ve gotten here but I am sure that they haven’t helped any of the men who have approached me.

New message: Captain Asshat [2253] Where are you?

I scoff when I see the message, opting to ignore it. I keep my phone in my hand as I look around for a place to sit and wallow in my sorrows. Finding a little booth in the corner, I order another drink and take both that and myself to the booth to rest my exhausted feet because heels and I have a love hate relationship – I love how great they make my ass look but damn, they hurt my feet. As soon as I sit down, lifting my feet and stretching out my toes, two things happened: Jongin messages again and a guy swoops in to try his luck

Captain Asshat [2255] Alice, I know you’re out, drinking. Where are you?

“Hello, pretty. Where’s your boyfriend?”

I smile as politely as I can, “I don’t have a boyfriend.” I place my phone down, resting an elbow on the table and giving him my full attention.

My phone begins to vibrate with a phone call and I click my tongue, declining it. “Are you sure?” This guy smiles, raising an eyebrow and I immediately begin to compare how this looks on him in comparison to Jongin. If I’m being honest – it doesn’t have the same effect. “Someone is really wanting to get a hold of you.” He looks at my phone as it begins to ring again.

“Whoever it is needs to learn how to wait.” I decline his call again, causing him to begin blowing up my phone with single messages that have no purpose other than to annoy me. “You’re going to have to excuse me.” I smile apologetically, causing him to shrug as he gets up and leaves. Answering the phone would prove to be useless because Jongin’s not going to hear much over this noise and frankly, I don’t know how well I’ll hear that seductive, velvet voice of his in the state that I am in.

Alice [2301] You don’t know how to not be annoying, don’t you? Captain Asshat [2301] Where are you? Alice [2302] Out. Captain Asshat [2304] No shit. Where? Who are you with? Alice [2304] MYOB. Captain Asshat [2306] Real mature. How drunk are you? Alice [2307] Not drunk enough. Captain Asshat [2307] What do you mean?

I sigh, growing frustrated because Jongin isn’t acting how Jongin does. Why does he care about where I am, who I’m with or even if I’m drunk? Since when did he give a shit? It’s bad enough that he’s ruining my night by tainting all the men I look at because I can’t stop thinking about how they aren’t him but now he needs to mess with my already messed up head. Fuck! I was here to forget about him and now I’m holed up in a dark corner of the club texting him!

Alice [2310] Meaning that no matter how much I drink, none of them compare to you! Captain Asshat [2311] What are you doing, Alice?

What am I doing? That’s a good fucking question, Jongin. What am I doing drinking in the club, looking at men and thinking about how they aren’t you? I must be insane!

I go to type my reply, rewording it several times because I’m so worked up, drunk and also unsure on how this message will be received. How do I tell him that it’s to prove that he means nothing to me? How do I do that without giving him a reason to mock me for it because surely, he’ll use this to his advantage?

Alice [2320] Proving to you and everyone else that there is nothing between us! You seem to think I’m someone you can snap your fingers and have and my best friend thinks that I’m falling for your charms. This will prove that you were nothing more than a drunken mistake! Captain Asshat [2320] Don’t move. I’m coming to get you.

Just as I had sent my message, a message from Jongin had come through and I slam my hand down on the table, the noise unnoticed in the loud club. He can try to find me but he doesn’t know where I am and if he wants to waste his time on this meaningless mission then let him. I take my finished glasses over to the bar and order another, looking around for Suni as I basically drink it like my life depended on this one drink.

It does – or so it feels that way. I have this strange feeling in my stomach and if they are what one considers to be butterflies then I want them to drown.

Slamming the finished drink down, feeling the splendid tingling of my cheeks mixed with the sudden freedom of all worries, I move through the dancefloor, singing and dancing my way towards my best friend. My head is spinning long after I stop, grabbing her to keep myself from falling off the face of the Earth. “Alice, are you okay?” Her eyes are as glazed over as I’m sure mine are, “How much have you had to drink?”

“More than you~” I sing over the music, voice pitchy and I need to wrap an arm around her neck as I nearly stumble backwards. “You knowwwww,” I giggle at how terribly slurred my words are but at least I’m not wanting to throw up. “You know how adorable it is to see you,” I point at her, “and you,” point to Taehee, “making out in the club.” I cradle Suni’s cheeks and smile at her like a big sister watching her little sister grow up but the longer my drunken brain thinks about the complete disappointment it set itself up with, expecting men to be better than Kim Jongin, I pout. “I wish someone would look at me like that.” Suni and Taehee exchange a concerned look as tears well up in my eyes before I sniff and shake my head, refusing it to be the damper on the night. “I’m going to the bathroom! Don’t move, okay?”

I don’t even wait for them to answer, dancing my way towards the toilet sign and getting distracted along the way. I dance with several different people, kiss a stranger and somehow make it to the bathroom and back to the bar for another drink – or falling over.

“Now, where are they?” I sip the sweet cocktail, squinting because my vision is not the clearest right now. I frown, pouting slightly as I try and spot them but I can’t seem to find them. I push my way through the crowd, trying to look over heads to spot Suni and her blonde boyfriend and the waving of a hand catches my attention.

Maybe they want to go home?

“Alice,” the voice that I hear as I make my way through the sweaty bodies, almost sobers me up. You have got to be shitting me. “Let’s go.” Jongin grabs my wrist and begins to drag me through the club, my eyes shooting daggers at Suni, who waves apologetically but is also giving me the thumbs up before turning her attention to Taehee and disappearing from my sight. “What the fuck?” Jongin growls out when we finally exit the club, the cold air feeling great against my burning body.

“I could ask you the same thing.” I tug, trying to get my arm out from his grip but Jongin isn’t letting me go – not until we reach his car. “Who do you think you are?” I’m acutely aware that he has me caged against his car but I don’t seem to focus on that – no, I focus on how much he’s pissing me off. “First, you scare away a man who was actually really cute.” Jongin’s jaw tenses. “Then, you come here and pull me away from the fun.” I poke him squarely in the chest, trying not to focus on how firm it is. “What’s more, is that you ruined everything by being… you!”

He looks down at me and I cannot read the mixture of emotions swirling behind those gorgeous brown eyes of his. “I ruined everything?” I nod sternly, “enlighten me on how I ruined everything.”

I wave my hands erratically in front of him, given the small space he’s left between us, it proves difficult. “You mess with my head. You are an actual fucking dick and yet, all I can seem to want right now – is you.” This is all Jongin needs to make him move, he presses his lips against mine in a desperate attempt of seizing the moment and even though I’m shocked, I pull him by his collar and allow him to press me up against the car.

Suddenly aware that anyone could be watching, I blindly feel around for the door handle and we make our way into the car. He lays me flat on the back seat, cramping us in as he pulls the door shut and locks it to keep us from being disturbed. “Fuck,” he whispers into the silent air, shrugging off his leather jacket and giving to me to place under my head. “I’m going to remember this every time we’re in this car together.”

“Shut up,” I lace my fingers behind his head and pull him down. Jongin places a knee between my legs, trailing a hand over my body as our lips meet in a hot, messy kiss; I want him to ruin me, to have every inch of my body covered in him but more so, I want Jongin to crave me just as badly as I crave him. In my drunken state, I give in to the desire that has sat in my heart because a job was keeping me from indulging in such a fantasy but, here he is – ready to serve.

Lips trail down my jaw, along the curve of my neck before large hands creep under my back to lower the zipper. I bite my lip, closing my eyes as Jongin pulls the dress down, exposing my black satin bra; fingers dance lower, bunching the dress around my waist and exposing nearly all of me to his hungry eyes. “God, I’ve been waiting for this.” He whispers to no one but himself and I gasp when his hot, expert mouth suckles on the breast he’s pulled from its cup as well as his hand beginning to rub over my clothed core.

I grind into his hand, back arching when he applies the right amount of pressure to my tingling clit and pushing my breast further into his mouth. He groans, teeth gently scraping along the pert bud and I can feel his eyes on me, watching my reactions to his teasing. I want more, God, do I want so much more but I also despise how badly I want to ride him in the backseat of his car.

Looking at him, Jongin gives me a cheeky smile before focusing two fingers over the growing dampness in my panties. “I told you that if you gave me another chance, I’d make it up to you.” He nips at my collarbones and I groan, stretching my neck out to give him access and trying to sate my need to be claimed. His fingers tease along the side of my panties and I shake with anticipation, tugging on his soft locks as Jongin mouths my throat; he’s such a fucking tease, I finally give him what he’s been wanting and he’s drawing it out. I begin to whine, hating how badly I want this, want him, but instead of giving me what we both want – Jongin pulls away. “Though, not like this.”

I struggle to get out from underneath him, gritting my teeth and glaring at him as I adjust my dress. “Are you fucking serious?!”

“You’re drunk… no, you’re past that. It wouldn’t be right.”

I scoff, shivering when Jongin opens the door and makes his way into the driver’s seat instead. “You’ll happily fuck me while drunk in a hotel but not here? This is the second time you’ve been disappointing, Jongin.”

Jongin looks back at me over his shoulder, warning me with dark eyes. “Anyone could come up to the window and take a video. Is that a mess you really want to deal with in the morning? Plus…” I can tell he’s about to say something but he shakes his head and starts the car instead.

“What?”

“Nothing.”

I groan, “Not this again. That gets tiring quick, spit it out.”

Jongin sighs, remaining silent for a while as he begins to drive in the direction of his mother’s place rather than my place. I watch him for a moment, trying to fight off the sudden wave of sleep that hits me when the car follows the steady, moving stream of traffic. The alcohol slowly causes me to feel sleepy, the switch through the emotions making my drunk mind exhausted as well, and it doesn’t help that Jongin has chosen some ridiculous radio station playing night songs. I grab his jacket, putting it on backwards and keeping myself warm as I fight to stay awake; his jacket smells like him, a smell I strangely find comforting as I bury my nose deeper into the collar.

Maybe closing my eyes for a short while won’t be so bad. I can always just call Suni or a taxi when we get to his mother’s, I can find my way home when he finally lets me out of the car but for now, it wouldn’t hurt to have a little nap.

“Alice?” Jongin’s voice sounds so far away, repeating my name, annoyingly disrupting the drifting of my mind from a drunken state to a sleeping state. “Alice?” His deep voice sings my name and I mumble incoherently, asking him to keep talking because I find it soothing, better than any music anyone could create. He chuckles, “I have no idea what you just said. Go to sleep.” I grumble, forehead creasing because I’m trying if he would just be quiet. “I want you to want me like this without alcohol involved.” I’m not sure if my mind is making it up, hearing things and filtering them for my brain to understand but a small part of me wants to reply, to ease that slight worry in his tone before fading away completely.

I do. It’s just far too complicated to admit it, but I do.

What was that crashing onto the ground? I groan, rolling over in the bed and clutch my head; it sounded like it came from downstairs so I don’t need to worry.

Why the fuck is a child screaming? I grab the pillow and bury my head into it, trying to drown out the ear-piercing scream that adds fuel to my hangover.

Who is making all this noise? Is it the neighbours next door or the one’s downstairs because it sounds like a herd of elephants are stampeding through the place?

I roll over and stretch out my arms, groaning more into the pillow before I finally inhale the scent that accompanies it. This is not my bed. I shoot up, “fuck,” clutching my head and squinting through the pain as I take in the room. This is not my room. I am not in my house. Thankfully, I’m in clothes but these are not my clothes.

Where the fuck am I?

How did I get here?

When did I get here?

I’m running through the night in my head and come up short because after shot number four, the night becomes fuzzy before completely dying and leaving me with no recollection of how I came to be in some man’s bed, wearing his hoodie and sweats. This is not good, not good at all because I don’t know where my shit is; I cannot see my handbag, my phone or dress and I’d hate to think my face looked like if I tried to find the bathroom – which I desperately need. I slowly get out of bed, realising that I have socks on as well and freak out for a moment that I’m wearing everything of his.

Luckily, I am not.

I’m as stealthy as I can be for a hangover, needing to pee badly, visitor and as I try to figure out where I am, searching the minimalist room for a hint – two loud children come barging into the room, scaring the living daylights out of me. “Holy shit!” I yell, covering my mouth and staring in horror at myself for allowing such a thing to slip.

Both kids giggle before running into the closet and rummaging around for something. “Found it!” The little girl yells, triumphantly holding a toy in her hand while the little boy, her little brother I assume, pouts and keeps looking. “Kaichun, I found it!”

Kaichun?!

“Kaichun!” The little boy cries, looking annoyed that his sister got something and he can’t find his. “Where’s mine?” He stamps his foot down and the man I’m worried about seeing, walks through the door with a small smile on his lips.

“Raeonnie~ I said yours was under the bed, not in the closet.” Raeon runs past, practically diving under the bed and kicking his feet as he tries to get further underneath. Jongin starts laughing when the poor boy gets stuck and struggles to get back out, needing his uncle to grab his feet and pull. “Did you get it?” Raeon beams, holding his toy up and then running off with Rahee, causing Jongin to pay attention to me. “You’re finally awake.”

“What happened?” I ask, “How did I get here?”

Jongin looks at me for a moment, taking all of me in before deciding to answer me. “You look pretty like that.”

I cough, caught off-guard by his compliment before placing my hands on my hips and trying to give him my best ‘don’t-mess-with-me’ face. “I’m not in the mood to play games.”

“Oh, I remember. You have quite the mouth, and temper, when hungover.” Jongin teases, lips quirking before giving me a serious look. “You don’t remember anything from last night?” I shake my head and he curses under his breath, “how much did you have to drink last night?”

I hum, trying to remember as much as I can but still not remembering that much, “… a lot.” Jongin groans, running his hand over his face and immediately giving me a bad feeling. “Why? What did we do?!”

“Nothing,” Jongin shakes his head. “I picked you up and you yelled at me for ruining your night.”

“Why didn’t you just take me back to my place?”

“I don’t know your code, I couldn’t find your friend and also, you passed out as soon as you sat down so you weren’t much help.” Jongin shrugs, walking over to the closet and rummaging through before handing some clothes to me. “Put these on before you come down.”

“Where’s my stuff?” I ask his retreating back. I’m waiting for him to say something, anything, to set me off but I’m glad that I didn’t do something stupid like go home with some random guy or worse… sleep with Jongin.

Not that it would have been bad, but it’s more that I’d never hear the end of it.

Jongin points over the corner, a dangerous cluster of cords tangled together and looking like a safety hazard. “Your phone is charging; your handbag is with your friend and your clothes are in the wash.” He’s about to leave when he pauses and looks at me with mirth, “before you ask, yes, I did dress you and let me tell you that your matching lingerie set that you kept trying to take off – sexy.”

My cheeks flush a deep red before I throw the jeans that he had handed me, “Pervert!” I call after him and get annoyed with his comment. Of course, there it is; Jongin will always be that asshole who needs to say something to ruin literally every moment.

After getting dressed in clothes that are clearly not mine, the shirt and hoodie are fine but Jongin’s waist is smaller than mine and my curves make the jeans a pain to wear but I look more presentable than earlier, I search for the bathroom. It takes a little searching but I luckily manage to use the toilet before taking a moment to refresh my face – which isn’t as bad as I thought. Placing my charged phone on the basin, I call Suni, needing to fill in some blanks of last night and make sure I didn’t do something I’d regret.

“Alice! Angel, I’m so glad you’re awake.” She sighs and I feel a little guilty for worrying her, “Jongin said you were still asleep not long ago, I was worried we might have to take you to the hospital.”

Clicking my tongue, I roll my eyes. “Babe, you know I can handle myself better than that.” She disagrees but I let it slide this time, the hangover not making me in the mood to argue. “What happened last night?” She’s quiet for a while and I have to check the phone to make sure the call is still connected, “Suni?”

“Oh, sorry.” She chimes in; I look away from the phone and focus on washing my face and trying to fix my mess of a hair. “You were pretty drunk last night, angel, you had him worried.” I scoff, rolling my eyes. “He contacted me just before eleven, asking me questions about who you were with and what you were doing; soon after, he was messaging and asking where we were, saying he was getting you because you were going to make a mistake.”

“Like he cares.” I mumble under my breath but she still hears it.

“I think he does; more than you think he does.” I roll my eyes because she’s always been more rose tinted than me when it comes to men and love. She sees romance in such small gestures while I remain certain that they hold no meaning – it’s why I love her though, my optimistic ray of sunshine always reminding me not to give up. “Maybe, you should give him a chance.”

“No,” I snap, a little harsher than I mean to. “Sorry, but no. We work together, we cannot cross that line.”

“That’s bullshit and you know it.” She bites back and I can imagine her glaring at me but I shake her comment off. If we crossed that line… no, I can’t entertain the thought because it’s too much drama and I’m not here to deal with any more love-related drama. “I have your handbag, let me know when you are home and we’ll get dinner.” Bidding her farewell, I hang up and give myself a once over in the mirror.

“Are you coming down?” I jump back from the basin when I see Jongin’s face pop into view.

Holding my hand over my heart, I try to calm down. “Don’t ever sneak up on me like that again.” I growl, causing Jongin to laugh. “What do you mean, am I coming down?”

Cocking an eyebrow at me like I’m stupid, Jongin points in the direction of laughing children. “My mother made you haejang-guk and my sister is wanting to meet the new lady in my life.”

He walks off, leaving me to fume for a moment. New lady?! “Kim fucking Jongin,” I chase after him, grabbing his arm before he descends down the stairs and do my best to keep my voice low. “What the hell did you tell them and don’t play coy with me because I will get it out of you!”

“Give me a kiss and I’ll tell you.”

“Forget it,” I walk down the stairs, leaving him to whine a little before following me down. If he’s not going to tell me then I’m just going to have to find out myself.

The room begins to spin when the cacophony of voices hit me upon entering the kitchen. Children laughing and screaming as they play with their toys, adults talking to each other then to me as I am noticed and then Jongin’s voice ringing above them all, placing a hand on the small of my back as he encourages me towards the table while telling everyone to let me eat. Food is placed in front of me and I say thank you before gorging myself like I haven’t eaten in days; Jongin leaves my side, entertaining the children and I watch him as I eat, slowly learning a side of Jongin that I haven’t seen.

He gives me a reassuring smile before giving the children his attention, chasing them, making noises that’ll have them run away laughing and catching them now and again, tickling them or allowing them to run into him. As I watch him, forgetting about my food, I wonder if I mayhap misjudged Jongin; maybe he wasn’t that bad of a guy after all, he seems so relaxed and free in this setting, surrounded by his loved ones and not in front of a camera, that it leads me to believe that the Jongin I see at work, isn’t the real him.

Until, he looks at me and opens his mouth. “You look like someone slapped you with a fish.” He laughs boisterously, causing the kids to laugh along with him and I glare at him. Nothing can convince me that Jongin isn’t a complete asshat – not even his adorable smile as he plays with the kids.

“Thank you,” his mother sits down next to me, smiling as she watches her son and grandchildren play. “Jongin has been having a hard time over the last year. He’s been stressed, not eating and he’s put himself in hospital far too many times; his friends do what they can but he can be such a perfectionist that he refuses to listen to reason.” I frown, I didn’t realise that. I knew that the previous manager had to resign for family reasons but I didn’t know about anything else, simply because I felt like I didn’t need to know unless it was going to affect my job. “He’s told me that you always make sure he eats, that you remind him of early starts and encourage him to get enough rest.”

“I’m just doing my job,” I blush, not used to being complimented this way.

Placing her hand over mine, she gives me a gentle smile. I can see that Jongin takes after his mother because her smile is as warm as his is currently. “You are doing far more than your job, my dear, you are doing what his girlfriend should be doing.”

I freeze, eyes widening. “Excuse me? Girlfriend?”

She nods, cocking her head to the side. “I assume that’s what your relationship with him is. He insists that you are his manager but yet, he ran to your side last night and brought you back here – he’s never brought a girl home so I assumed that you are more than just his manager.”

I’m about to clear up this misunderstanding, laughing nervously because this isn’t a conversation I was expecting to have. “Well, the thing is-”

“Alice!” Two little voices catch my attention and I’m jumped on by Raeon and Rahee while Jongin laughs at the sight. His behaviour confuses me because as the rest of the day moves on, Jongin stops every single attempt I make to set his mother straight and even as we are about to leave – he makes it very hard to convince them that I am, in fact, not his girlfriend.

“Shall we?” I finish placing my earrings on, looking in the mirror and inhaling sharply when I see how Jongin is dressed. If Prince Charming was ever going to be based on a Korean man, Kim Jongin would be in the running; his crisp tuxedo is tailored perfectly to his toned figure, his long legs seemingly going on for days with shined leather shoes nearly sparkling in the light. His soft brown hair adds to the image of a Prince, the fact that his make-up artist has done a fantastic job and I feel slightly jealous, but the thing that takes my breath away is the smile he wears. A dashing smile that makes one melt and fall to their knees. “Careful Alice,” his smile turns teasing as he walks towards me and I stand, turning to face him. “Anyone else would think that look meant you were falling in love with me?”

I scoff, rolling my eyes dramatically. “Uh huh, but not you?”

“Of course not,” he turns me to face the mirror, pulling me back against him like he’s showing me off to myself. My deep red dress is a low cut V neckline evening dress, complementing my natural curves before flowing out and allowing proper walking. The sexy thigh slit allowing the right amount of skin to be shown without being too exposing and showing off the rhinestone embellished wrap around strap stilettos – which I’m thankfully going to be sitting down while wearing these monstrosities because not every woman is made with feet made of steel. Jongin’s gaze reflected in the mirror doesn’t take away the intensity in his eyes as his face comes next to mine, his lips ghosting against my ear. “I already know you can’t resist me.”

I’m about to retort, to tell him that he’s so full of shit when the door opens and we are told to head out to the limousine. Jongin walks in front of me, that smug, triumphant grin on his face and I sigh because I already know it’s going to be one of those nights. Acting like the perfect gentleman, something that he does when he wants to keep up appearances around other people, Jongin opens up the doors for me, helping me to climb into the limousine before following in behind.

“I should sit in the front,” I nervously chew my lip. Close proximity for long periods of time with Jongin have not been ending well for me lately; when I first started, it was so easy to say no, to ignore his advances and do my job without the subtle distractions that he constantly provides but now, a month after the incident at his mother’s house – who still thinks we are dating – things haven’t been so easy.

Too many times has Jongin trapped me in his web. The accidental touches under the table during meetings, causing me to jump slightly in my seat every time. The way he tends to go harder during practice if I’m in the room, making my mind drift into a place that shouldn’t be allowed. Catching him staring at me during meals, observing and watching me with interest. The odd compliment that he’ll give when I try something new or when I do something for him, ones that he doesn’t brush off with a backhanded comment but ones that feel almost genuine. Our dynamic has shifted into something that blurs the line between idol and manager despite working together quite efficiently; there have been jokes about how we resemble a married couple rather than two people who work together and while Jongin laughs them off, I spend an exhausting amount of time having to quash these before they spread like wildfire.

I know that I should be remaining strong in my resolve, being the immovable rock that he can’t push no matter how hard he tries but despite me being able to keep a straight face when we are at work – after a month, I have started to crave his touches. He consumes my world, not in an unhealthy way where I cannot breathe or sleep but, in a sense, that Jongin has become someone that I care about far more than I want to – or would admit.

“What are you thinking about?” Jongin’s button nose tickles the shell of my ear and his minty breath has a cool feel against my neck.

“I’m thinking about how I should be sitting in the front with the driver, or at least following with the other managers.” Jongin clicks his tongue, unhappy with my answer. His large hand is warm on my exposed knee and I try not to react to the way his thumb rubs circles against my skin. “We’ll be arriving soon.”

“You look absolutely stunning tonight.” Jongin whispers, causing me to gasp in shock. Compliments are not uncommon now, but every time he gives one, it takes me by surprise. “I’m sure I’ve seen Baekhyun-Hyung glancing at you in ways that’ll make a boyfriend jealous.”

“Good thing I don’t have a boyfriend, huh?” I manage to keep my voice from cracking when he moves his hand up slightly.

Jongin isn’t pleased with my reply, huffing as he turns back to face the other two males chatting away. His hand remains where it is, creeping towards my upper thigh, and he joins in on their conversation while I ready myself for an exhausting night of Jongin control. He’s going to be relentless, I can already tell from the way he keeps putting his hand back every time I slap him away, his lips quirking as he tries not to let on how amusing he finds this game of his; he wants me to hiss, to make a scene, to react in a way to amuse him and as much I want to tell him to cut it out, to behave and stop being a little shit – with the amount of reporters and fans that’ll be around, I can’t.

Jongin is very good at making sure he’s not seen – I am not.

I’m so caught up in my head, thinking about how I’m going to survive this night, that my body has been moving on auto-pilot and Jongin’s guidance. I don’t even realise we’ve left the limo and entered the venue until I’ve bumped into an actress who seems very annoyed with my distracted state. “Yah!” Her voice pulls me back to reality and I’m disappointed in myself, knowing I should have been more aware. “Look where you’re going, stupid girl! You could have caused me to injure myself.”

I bow, words ready to fall out in a stuttered, embarrassed apology when Jongin’s presence stands slightly in front of me, his face stern. “You saw her coming, why didn’t you move out of the way?” I notice that a couple of people have stopped to observe what’s happening and I quickly grab Jongin’s arm, hissing for him to let it go. “It always pisses me off when some people think they are above everyone else just because they are famous.” His comment throws me off a little. Jongin is amongst one of the most well-known celebrities in Korea, he has a global image and following in both his music and his modelling career; he is literally that person everyone wants to know or meet and yet, he has never once acted like he’s better than anyone else.

Sure, he acts entitled around me at times but if I think about it – he’s always been polite, modest and humble wherever he goes. He’s never acted like he’s better than anyone and has often worked for charities free of charge, donating his wage to the cause rather than his pocket.

He’s not that bad of a man, even if he does rub me the wrong way.

“Thank you.”

“For what?” I can see that he’s still miffed by what happened as we follow behind the rest of SuperM into the large venue.

“For defending me.”

He glances sideways at me, a look of pride hiding behind the scowl before he looks away and shrugs. “I did it because if you looked bad and someone spread around how clumsy my manager is, it would make me look bad, too.”

Are you actually fucking kidding me? Seriously? Ugh, every single time I come closer to entertaining the thought that Jongin, under all his cocky smiles and smart assed words, is a good, decent man, he goes and proves that he is nothing more than a dick.

A sexy, love life destroying with those marvellous hips of his, dick but a dick nonetheless.

If anyone were to look in my direction, you would clearly see that I was well and truly pissed off; maybe it’s the three champagne flutes sitting in front of me, the hard glare set in my eyes every time I look in Jongin’s direction or that every time he touched me, I would slap his hand away and snap at him to leave me alone. Which, he did not. No matter how many times I pushed him off, ignored him or told him to quit it – Jongin would keep placing his hand possessively on my knee and strike up conversation with whoever he wanted.

“Smile.” He leans over to whisper in my ear when the new rookie girl group nominations are called.

I lean away subtly, “don’t talk to me.”

“You make it seem like I’ve done something wrong, Alice.”

“You have, Jongin.” I start sipping on glass number five, ignoring the pout setting on his lips. He turns to whisper something to Taemin and I huff, resting my elbow on the table and looking up at the stage to watch the award show.

A tap on my shoulder pulls my attention away and towards the young man sitting next to me. Mark has a worried look in his eyes as he looks between me and Jongin and I shake my head, indicating for him not to worry about it. “Noona, are you okay?” I nod, not really sure if I want to talk about it because what would I say, really? That I thought Jongin actually had some form of feelings for me, enough to defend me, but they were only to make himself look good; such thoughts shouldn’t be allowed or voiced. Mark clears his throat, looking slightly awkward as he tries to look everywhere but my chest and I can’t help but giggle, wondering if he’s blushing from whatever thoughts are in his head. “You-you shouldn’t feel down tonight, Noona, you look really beautiful and I think it would be sad that you weren’t feeling like a Queen.”

The hand on my knee tenses and I know that Jongin heard it – and didn’t like it. Even though a part of me knows that I shouldn’t feel glad that he feels a little jealous, the other part is definitely enjoying the fact that Jongin is jealous of his member giving me that attention he should be giving me.

“Thank you, sweetie.” I smile at him, patting his cheek softly before turning my body more in his direction. “It’s really nice to hear that.”

“You haven’t heard it tonight?” He looks genuinely surprised, like this is something I should be hearing constantly. Honestly, I’m glad I don’t because it would inflate my head to the size of Jongin’s ego and there isn’t enough space in the world for that. “I thought maybe Jongin-Hyung would tell you.”

“And, why would he do that?”

Mark looks nervous, looking over at Jongin, who hasn’t stopped talking to Taemin, before looking back at me. “Everyone thinks you two are a couple. You always tell him off and he always teases and listens to you, plus he’s so quick to defend you when someone says bad things about you or looks at you in a way he doesn’t like. There’s rumours spreading around that Jongin has taken you to meet his family and that you’ve…” Mark coughs, looking around for anyone trying to eavesdrop. “That you two… you know… in the car.”

The laugh that bubbles in my chest before erupting out catches Mark, Ten and a couple of nearby idols off guard. I cover my mouth, trying to lower the volume as my shoulders shake uncontrollably. Tears begin to well up in my eyes and I struggle to breathe, I’m in such a state of hysterics that I miss Jongin standing up and walking away but for the moment, I don’t care. “You think that we,” I lower my voice, “had sex in a car?” I giggle a little more, the alcohol clearly affecting me more than I thought. “There is nothing going on between me and Jongin, we work together and that’s it. He’s a child, he has temper tantrums when he doesn’t get his way and makes my life more difficult than it needs to be by constantly doing things to annoy me – whatever woman can date him, I take my hat off to.” I continue to ramble, throwing denial left, right and centre and hoping that it sticks – even though I know I am lying out my ass because I still haven’t given Jongin’s hoodie back from when I ended up at his mother’s. I pause mid-sentence, eyes wide as I remember something. “When… Mark, when did you hear about this?”

“About a month ago. Jongin shut it down pretty quickly but one of the restaurant staff said he saw the two of you getting into the backseat of Jongin’s car one night.”

I whip my head to the side, finally registering that Jongin has left his seat. “He grabbed one of the female idols and headed off in that direction.” Taemin puts towards one of the exits and I curse under my breath. That’s the direction of the dressing rooms and considering that SuperM are one of the groups that are performing later – Jongin is surely heading there for privacy.

“This is what I mean,” I grumble, bowing in apology as I stand up and head off in that direction. “He acts one way and then goes and does this.” The stilettos make it difficult for me to rush as one misstep would cause me to break an ankle and that would just be the icing on this dramatic cake. I feel so many emotions as I storm my way down the hallway in the direction of SuperM’s dressing room; I know that Jongin had collected me from the club that night, Suni had told me that he was concerned about me but the text messages we exchanged had me admitting things I wish I could take back and I worry that there is truth to this rumour that Mark had mentioned.

Was I frustrated enough to have allowed such a thing to happen?

Is Jongin the type of man who would take advantage of me in that state?

I need to know; I need to know and I need to stop him from causing more rumours by being caught with some idol who wants to climb the social ladder by being his flavour of the evening.

Throwing open the door to the dressing room, I immediately can see that I’ve been set up. Jongin is sipping on a flute while watching the award show on the television in the room, on mute. If he notices that it’s me who’s come barging into the room, he makes no move to acknowledge me and instead, continues to behave like he’s alone in the room by moving closer to the screen – squinting ever so slightly.

“Jongin.” I close the door behind me, hesitant in locking in because he might take that as an invitation. He finishes his glass, placing it on the small table in front of the leather couch before turning to me; his expression is hard to read, he looks amused by the fact that I actually followed him in here but also, I can see the deadly mixture of annoyance and jealousy swirling behind his brown eyes.

“Alice.” He answers in the same tone and I chew my lip, feeling really stupid for believing what Taemin had said and chasing after him. “What do you want?”

I almost choke on air with how rude he’s being; seriously, who gave him the right?! “Wha- seriously? You disappear during the start of the show and Taemin’s talking about how you grabbed some woman to take back here and fuck. I don’t want anything, I’m here to make sure you weren’t.”

“Why?”

“Why? Hmm, let’s see.” I tap my chin, pretending to think about it. “Maybe because this isn’t an appropriate way to be getting rid of your pre-show needs.”

Jongin scoffs, moving towards me, his gait slightly menacing but I refuse to let him try and intimidate me when I’m just doing my job. “Well, if you were paying attention then you would know that I had come out here alone.” Jongin gives me a once-over; due to my stanch, my thigh is exposed and my arms are folded over my chest which causes my cleavage to pop out more, my cheeks are slightly flushed from the alcohol and the necklace given to me for the night brings more attention to my chest. “If anything, I would say that you are more likely to cause trouble tonight.”

“What’s that meant to mean?”

Cocking an eyebrow, Jongin chuckles softly at me and this fuels my annoyance further. “You had Mark practically drooling over you, one snap of your fingers and he would have been sliding under that table and putting his head between your legs like the good boy he is.”

“I would never do such a thing!” I retort, shaking slightly at the fact that he would think that I would be so… slutty. “I am not that kind of person!”

“Are you sure about that?” His question, the mocking tone in his voice feels like a slap across the face because I thought he would have known that I was better than that. “High-horse Alice, you act like you’re better than me, like I’m the one who would risk getting caught and create the scandal when deep-fucking-down, that’s you.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“Oh no, you were far too pissed to remember but if it wasn’t for me, we could have been caught fucking in the backseat of my car that night.” I look shocked for a moment, what Mark had said having finally made sense and I take a step back, putting a little more space between us. “Don’t be so surprised. I knew you were a freak under that stuck up bitch act but I never thought you’d be so desperate; acting so high and mighty but really, you just want to be fucked. You should have seen your face when I pulled back, trying to actually respect you, to show you that I fucken care for you, and because of that you start messing around with someone else?” Jongin lets out a short laugh, “One member isn’t enough, huh? You want to mess with the whole-”

Jongin doesn’t finish what he’s saying because in the midst of what he was saying, my hand had acted on its own accord and slapped him across the face. The sound almost echoes in the large room and we both stand in shock for a moment; Jongin’s eyes meet mine and I’m waiting for it, the rage to spill out but as I swallow thickly, ready for Hell to break loose, I notice something in his eyes that I never thought I would see.

Regret.

Neither of us say a word, staring at each other before I make the decision to leave before he can start back up at me again. Jongin may look like he regrets what he says and I understand that he’s jealous, not that he hasn’t made it painfully obvious, but I cannot wait for the other foot to drop. I slapped him, I actually slapped the man who I have to deal with day in and day out; there is nothing I could do to take away my actions - just like it would take a lot for Jongin to erase the words he said.

My hand grips the handle and I hear Jongin about to say something, soft sounds falling off his lips as he stands in place. For some reason, I don’t open the door straight away, waiting for him to call me back but when he makes no move to stop me, I sigh softly before turning the handle. “A-Alice, I’m sorry.” I can tell by the quiver in his voice that he means it, that it’s taken a lot for him to utter those words out of worry that I wouldn’t forgive him - feeling the same way about my actions - and I take a deep breath to calm my racing heart, preparing myself for what I’m about to say.

“It’s only you.” I say out loud, needing to keep my back to him for a moment so I don’t mess up what I’m saying. “You’re the only person I seem to lose control of myself with. Ever since I met you, I can’t stop thinking about you in ways I shouldn’t. You ruined my love life with those damn hips of yours; you mess with my head because one minute, you make me wonder how lucky someone would be to date you and then, you turn around and act like some entitled asshole and I tell myself that whoever was unfortunate enough to date you would need to be able to deal with a total jackass.” I finally turn around and see Jongin has moved closer, looking at me in the way he did when we were at his mother’s, that adoring look that he manages to hide so quickly whenever I notice it but right now – he’s letting me see it all. I don’t know what to say in the beginning, I don’t know what to feel when I meet his gaze because he’s showing more emotion than he has since I’ve known him and it makes me feel like the walls are closing in on us. Jongin’s fingers twitch by his side, itching to reach for me but remaining unsure about what to do so I reach for his cheek, closing the distance and reprimanding myself because there’s the smallest redness where my palm landed. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have reacted.”

Holding my hand against his cheek, leaning into it, he shakes his head. “Don’t worry, I deserved it. I shouldn’t have said what I had said out of jealousy.”

“It was an asshole thing to do.”

Jongin lets out a short laugh, “Well, I learnt my lesson.” He pulls me closer to him and looks down at me with such a determined look in his eyes that it causes my heart to flutter. I wonder if he can hear my heart, whether he can feel how my body slightly shivers at the proximity that we are in. His lips are so close, his features much more attractive – if that was even possible – the fullness of his lips, the faint shadow of facial hair hidden underneath his make-up, the slight cleft in his chin and the 130° angle of his jaw brings so much more attention to what he wants.

“We shouldn’t.” He nods, agreeing with me. “Jongin, this is wrong.”

“Then, stop me.” He lowers his lips to mine, the softness of them brushing ever-so-slightly against mine. “Tell me that you don’t want me and I’ll walk out that door.” His nose rubs slowly against mine and it feels like he’s looking into my soul. “Say the words and we’ll stop, go back to pretending this never happened.”

“Could you do that?”

Jongin shakes his head, lips touching mine ever so softly and my eyes flutter closed as I pull him closer. His hands rest on my hips and I wrap my arms around his neck, fingers tangling in his soft locks and causing us to press closer together, no space between us and our bodies sharing heat as we share a desperately, intimate kiss. I can feel all of his heart in his kiss, the soft pecks here, a gentle nip there, the sensuality in the kiss has my head spinning in a way that isn’t from the alcohol.

His tongue swipes slowly along my bottom lip, coaxing my mouth open before he deepens the kiss and the soft moan that he releases from the back of his throat has me shivering with desire. The world doesn’t exist at this moment, nothing matters other than feeling him, hearing him and I can tell that his thoughts are following the same path that mine are. There is no point in denying him, denying myself because we’ve been in this dance for so long that we know longer remember why we started it in the first place.

We shouldn’t. It’s wrong. Words that I would easily say to push everything away, to push him away, seem like such feeble excuses when feeling Jongin’s plump, wet, velvet lips trailing down my neck feels like heaven.

“We don’t have long,” he whispers against my collarbone, his styled hair tickling my chin, “but I’m going to make you feel better. I’m going to show you how good I can make you feel, do what I’ve been wanting to do since seeing you in this dress.” His long fingers dance under my dress, his lips leaving wet kisses down the valley of my chest before his hot tongue trails back up, capturing my lips when his fingers brush along my clothed core.

I hold onto his broad shoulders, gasping at the delicate strokes that do nothing but tease me. “This isn’t smart.” I gasp when he presses down on my little nub and my hips react without much thought.

Chuckling, Jongin eases my panties to the side and coats two digits with the juices that my pussy is already producing from his teasing. “There’s something about you that makes me want to take the risk.” He breathes out, lips parting against the shell of my ear when he eases himself inside, mimicking how I gasp to the slow insertion.

“Fuck. Jongin. Ring.” I grit out when he’s knuckles deep and curling his fingers to brush them against my g-spot. He grins, completely aware that he never removed his Gucci ring and it's now adding a strange sensation as he begins to pull his fingers out before pushing back inside a little harder each time.

My body is flushed, face buried into his shoulder as I muffle my moans against his jacket. Jongin holds me up while bringing me closer to my orgasm; his breathing is hot and heavy, his own desire evident but every time I make a mention about helping him out, he shakes his head and rubs the pad of his thumb against my clit to distract my mind back to what he’s doing. “This is about you, all about you.” He groans when I whimper softly, body shaking softly against him as I teeter on the edge. “I’d do anything for you, give anything for you; I’ll go all night without touching myself as long as I know it’s my name falling off your lips tonight.”

Nails dig into the nape of his neck as I tense up and I clench around his fingers, trying to muffle the cry of his name against his chest as we hold each other tightly as I climax. Jongin doesn’t let me go, fingers slowly still moving in and out as I come down from my high and my body relaxes slightly in his arms. “Alice?” I nod, showing him I’m still conscious and listening. “I mean it, I want this and I’ll do whatever I have to, to prove it to you.” Jongin’s voice is so soft, filled completely with adoration and care that it causes my heart to clench.

Is this a path I really want to go down? It’s far too late to turn back now, but could I let him in, let him see every part of me and trust him enough to stay the next day?

Can I open my heart again, especially to the man whom I shouldn’t be letting in?

Throwing his arm over my shoulder, I sigh, brushing him off and putting a bit of space between us. Jongin throws me a look, slightly offended I would do such a thing as we walk down the street in broad daylight but he forgets that we are working and that it isn’t exactly work ethic to be doing such a thing in public. Nor is making out in the car when I dropped him off home last night but at least I try to be discreet – unlike him.

Things have progressed well over the last week and Jongin’s attitude has changed in ways I never thought that it would: he’s less argumentative, smiles a lot more, actually listens to what I say with attentiveness and the downside to it is that his teasing and tactile behaviour has increased more than before. This means a variety of things, this means that my job is a little bit easier because Jongin isn’t fighting with me at every turn, this means I can relax more and not have to be so on edge like I’m waiting for him to say something snarky and demeaning. This also means he’s catching me off guard with compliments, that rumours about us sleeping together have spread like wildfire and while I deny, Jongin just shrugs. This means that every day I spend with Jongin, I fall further in love with him and it absolutely terrifies me.

“Why do you never let me show my affection for you?” He pouts, speaking low enough that doesn’t attract unwanted attention.

I roll my eyes, grabbing the clipboard and checking where he needs to be and when before giving it back to the staff member and walking with him through the hallway. “Jongin,” I keep my voice as neutral as possible.

“And that’s another thing, you call me Jongin which is fine at work, I guess but I know you still haven’t changed my name on your phone. You could at least put in some effort with this relationship.” He huffs, crossing his arms over his chest and screwing up his face in displeasure.

Sighing once more, I grab his arm and stop him. “Jongin, we aren’t in a relationship. I- I don’t know what we are but we aren’t dating and you need to stop treating us like we are. I’m your manager and that’s that.”

“My manager whom I kiss, whose face appears in my dreams and teases me when I close my eyes.”

“It’s complicated, I know but please, don’t make it any harder than it already is by putting labels on it.” I can see that my wording hurts him slightly; Jongin is used to dating women who don’t want labels, they want him without having to actually be with him. “You know I didn’t mean it like that…”

Shrugging, Jongin continues to walk, “it is what it is.”

The pre-recording is done without a hitch, everything goes perfectly and even though I can see that Jongin is still slightly upset by our conversation this morning, I hope that he doesn’t let it ruin the rest of his day. I’ve thought about things, thought about the pros and cons of going down that route with him and even though it would be worth every con – I don’t know if I’m ready for the level of commitment he wants, not when I didn’t expect such a thing so fast into my new start. I know that I need to make a decision sooner or later, figure out what to do about this situation and give Jongin the respect he deserves by not stringing him along if it turns out I can’t do this.

“Are you still thinking about it?” I hum in question, focusing on the road as we head back to the Communications Centre as that’s where Jongin’s car is. “What happened this morning? You have that crease above your brow that shows you’re thinking deeply about something and I know that there’s nothing in my coming up schedules that requires that crease.”

I blink a few times in surprise, throwing a look his way and see him looking at me with concern and curiosity; his head is tilted to the side, brows furrowed slightly and the way his lips are pursed makes my heart race. “How-”

Chuckling, Jongin reaches and rubs his hand over my thigh before resting it on my knee. “Watching you when the stylists work is something I enjoy doing. I wonder about what you’re thinking, how it would feel to bite down on that soft pink lip, how your nose scrunches when you don’t like something and that hint of pride that swims in your sparkling blue eyes when you accomplish whatever mission you set for yourself every day.” Jongin blushes softly and looks out the window so I can’t see his own bashful expression. “I notice a lot because I can never take my eyes off you.”

I have no idea what to say to him, how to respond to such truth because it’s such a strange feeling to hear. Never have I met someone who has paid such close attention to my needs, my body language and moods. Jongin seems to have me all figured out and it still scares me – just not as much as it did before.

Maybe, Suni can help me work this out, she has better luck with this stuff than I do because I’m so ready to close myself up the moment someone gets to close while she pushes me to open up a little.

“You know at first Jongin acted like he was that annoying school boy who would pull on his crush’s ponytails to get her attention.” She pops a grape into her mouth and chews thoughtfully. “He would do anything and everything to annoy you but he revelled in that, he loved causing you to react to him, it was so much fun to him having you get angry and chase after him. Now, it seems like he’s behaving like he’s trying to attract you. He’s gotten his crush’s attention and now he wants to show her that he’s better than all the other boys.”

“I don’t think-”

“Exactly, Alice, you don’t think. You are so straightforward and to the point – well, most of the time.”

I throw a grape at her and she pokes her tongue out at me. “What the hell is that meant to mean? If I like someone, I tell them.”

“Ah huh.” She sounds like she doesn’t believe me. “So, why aren’t you dating him? If you’ve told him that you like him and it’s clear that he obviously likes you too, why don’t you take the next step?” I open my mouth to answer but I close it again, thinking for a moment before going to speak – but Suni cuts me off. “You feel so much pressure to date him when you don’t know if you’re ready to and yet, instead of telling him this – you push it aside like it’s a report you can read later.”

“No…” I pout slightly, poking my little fork into a slice of pineapple and pushing it around.

“What are you so afraid of?”

“Nothing… I just…” I groan loudly. “He’s fucking perfect but I don’t know how to tell him about what happened with Jordan without him thinking I’m damaged. Not to mention, how am I meant to explain that the moment my family learns that I’m dating again that they’ll be pushing for grandchildren and a wedding more than what they are.” I flop to the side and bury my face in the pillow next to me. “Why is this so damn complicated?”

Suni rolls her eyes, clicking her tongue and stabbing a peach. “It’s not that complicated, you’re just making it seem like it is. Stop looking at Jongin like he’s an idol and look at him like he’s a man who is interested in you, Alice, the woman, not the manager. It’s not that hard to-”

I hold up my hand to stop her, seeing the absolutely pissed off expression she gives me. “Jongin?”

“Alice, I know it’s getting late but can you please come over?”

I furrow my brow, “is everything okay?”

I hear him suck air in through his teeth. “My waist is playing up; I can’t get out of bed to get the painkillers.”

I’m up and getting dressed before he even finishes his sentence, Suni watching me in astonishment because I’m throwing on whatever I can find lying around. “I’ll be there shortly, okay? Should I call the doctor?” The no he responds with is mixed with a groan as I can hear him trying to move. “Okay, Jongin, I won’t be long.”

I hang up and look apologetically at Suni. “Go and get your man, we can watch these movies any time.” She gives me a wink and I’m out the door and on my way to Jongin’s place faster than any other time before.

I find Jongin exactly where he said, in bed, on his stomach with his head off the edge and arms hanging down, drawing patterns on the ground as he hums to himself. “It’s about time you got here.” He grumbles, not lifting his head to look at me. “Do you know how much pain I’m in?”

“Not enough to call a doctor.” I bite back because his tone annoys me. I understand that he’s in pain but still, he could at least check his tone. “Here’s the painkillers and some water.” He lifts his head and gives me a soft smile when he sees what I’m wearing. I blush, looking down at my mini shorts with cute Pikachus on them and the hoodie that actually belongs to him. “I was in a rush…”

“It’s cute,” he grimaces as he tries to get into a better position to drink the water and I stand beside the bed, awkwardly waiting for the right time to leave. “Can you do me another favour?” I raise my eyebrows in question, “can you give me a massage? I think I didn’t stretch properly before the pre-recording and this is my waist’s payback.” Batting those long eyelashes and looking up at me with those beautiful brown eyes makes my inclination to deny him waver.

“You should really go see someone about it tomorrow.”

“Or, I could have you help me now.” He settles into a better position on the bed and looks at me. “Please, Alice, it hurts and if you help me now, I’ll go see the doctor if it’s still in pain by the morning.” He whines and that’s when my resistance crumbles; I slowly walk over to the bed and am very careful that I don’t jolt him around too much when I straddle him, sitting on the backs of his thighs and blushing as I look at the muscles of his lower back.

“Do you normally sleep without a shirt on?” I know it’s not exactly something I need to know but I am curious as to why Jongin is in nothing but his blue satin pyjama slacks.

“Depends.” He replies nonchalantly, getting comfortable as I wriggle around a little, trying to get into a good position. “Do you have plans tomorrow?”

“No?”

“Good, good,” he nods to himself and tenses a little when I begin massaging his back. I’m definitely no expert and it’s against my better judgement that I am here doing this but I do know enough not to paralyse him or cause further injury. “Right there.” I feel my whole body heat up and a tingle between the legs at the way Jongin moans that out, sounding far more erotic than it probably needed to.

I focus on his lower back and waist, using my fingers and applying enough pressure to push out the knots I can feel. Every moan he makes, each time he mumbles words of praise, I feel it rushing to my core and causing me to react in ways that are seriously inappropriate for what I am doing. I slowly move on from his back, thumbs gently pushing along his spine and coming back down with the slightest pressure and the further up I move, the deeper his moans become until he’s practically moaning non-stop. “You really need to stop that.” I look at his face, cheek pushed against his pillow as he smiles softly with his eyes closed. “It makes it hard to concentrate.”

“I think you’ve focused on my back enough,” he breathes out. “Can you do my chest?”

“Jongin…”

“Yes, Alice.” His eyes are on me now, intent clear in his dark brown eyes and I swallow thickly, not moving as he rotates his body underneath me with a little effort. To prevent me from moving, Jongin grasps my hips and keeps me straddling his abdomen. “I don’t know what you want me to do, but give me a chance to do it.” He whispers, thumbs circling on my thighs as he doesn’t break eye contact.

“It may not be as easy as you think.” I mutter and he lifts a hand to rest on my cheek. “There’s things you’d need to understand before you could even consider getting involved with me.”

“Like how your mother seems to be hell-bent on you being married and pregnant with six kids?” I gasp, cheeks turning a bright red because I know exactly where he would have gotten that idea from. “It didn’t seem like something you wanted to talk about, so I let it go.”

“And even knowing that, you still want to try?”

“You know I love kids.” I gently slap his chest and Jongin laughs, “if I ran every time something like that was said – I’d be a pretty bad person.” His laughter gets louder when I raise an eyebrow; it’s not like he’s been the perfect man until recently. “You know I’m not that bad, right or do I need to prove that to you, too?” He begins some massaging of his own as he gently moves up my thighs, groping and massaging my hips. He pushes the hoodie up, along with the shirt I wear underneath and he grins when he effortlessly sits up, moving me onto his lap, to help it over my head. “You’re really good, I don’t feel any pain at all.”

“Or, you’re full of shit and weren’t really in pain to begin with.”

Chuckling, Jongin leans back on his hands and winks, “maybe, but I guess you’ll never know.”

He watches me for a moment, gauging my flight risk before cupping my cheek and guiding my face towards his. He doesn’t rush, he doesn’t take his eyes off me and even though his intent is clear in his eyes, I don’t pull away when his lips press against mine. It’s just a soft peck at first, a taste of intimacy to see how I react and Jongin doesn’t pull away completely, keeping his lips a breadth away from mine. I close my eyes, taking a deep breath as I try and steady my heart before wrapping my arms around his neck and pull him closer; my hands trace over his back muscles, lips moving slowly in time with his before Jongin wraps his arms around my waist, forearms straight along my spine as he keeps us close.

He doesn’t want us to part, not even for a second and when his tongue swipes along my bottom lip, seeking entrance, I know that I want this as much as he does. I want to feel him, to memorise the touch of his hands gliding along my spine and the warmth of his chest against mine. I want to remember how lush his lips look, swollen from kisses and begging to be bitten. I want to watch his lashes dust across his cheeks as he closes his eyes from heavenly bliss, but what I want more than anything else is to be able to see the man who shyly peeks out in those quiet, rare moments.

The man who smiles hearing about his fans. The man who adores his family and would give them the world. The man who lies about sneakily eating chicken when he shouldn’t. The man who can tease and play games but turns into a blushing mess when he’s caught off guard.

I want to see it all, but to do that – I need to let him see all of me.

He rolls me onto my back, hovering over me and watching for hesitation, for some form of reluctance. He brushes loose hair off my face and smiles softly, a special shine in his eyes before it’s replaced with the lust that is hiding behind. A hand traces down my body, thumb brushing over a hardened nipple before reaching the band of my shorts; he removes them with little help from me before he gazes upon my body like I’m a sight to marvel at and I fidget slightly under his stare.

“Beautiful,” he whispers, hands running through his hair and I watch as his bicep tenses. “Seeing you like this, all bare for my eyes only, you have no idea how that makes me feel.”

“I can take a guess,” my voice isn’t as confident as I want it to be but it has the effect I want when he snorts softly.

“I haven’t thought about anyone else,” I look a little confused but Jongin just shakes his head, lowering his head to press a kiss above my pubic area. “When you left that morning, I thought I’d be fine but there was something about you that captured my attention. Never have I been denied like that, every woman is so eager to please and they love to stroke my ego but you – you were so dismissive that as frustrating as it was, it was a breath of fresh air.” He kisses my navel, eyes still connected with mine as he slowly kisses and crawls his way up my body. “Seeing you at work, I don’t know what came over me but I wanted to get you back somehow. At first, it was just because you had hurt my pride as I’ve never left someone unsatisfied and I knew you were wrong but I wanted to prove you wrong but then, it was the only way I could get your attention.” I gasp when he takes my breast into his warm mouth, tongue swirling around the nipple and sending sweet shivers down my spine, fuelling the arousal that’s building. “It became a game when we made out in the dressing room that day. Knowing you wanted me as badly as I wanted you – even though it was purely physical in the beginning – it made me obsessed with the idea of having you again.” The other breast gets the same attention and it takes every ounce of control I have not to moan when his teeth graze along the sensitive bud when he pulls away.

“And now, you finally can.”

It’s like that was what he was waiting for; even though I'm naked and waiting for him, Jongin needed to hear that I wanted him as badly as he wants me.

His hands take their time, mapping out my body and finding every spot that is sensitive to him, only him. “I want to be the only one who sees this,” he speaks lowly, a slight gravel to his voice that does tremendous things to me.

I can’t let him have all the fun, so I reach for him, hands trailing over his little nipples that are extremely sensitive before admiring the taut muscles of his abdomen; his cock causes a tent in his pants, making its presence known as I slip teasing fingers under his waistband and grip him. The moan he lets out is like angels singing, his hips moving in time with my strokes and I now understand why people say they could watch him for hours.

I don’t think there’s anything more beautiful than Jongin getting lost in pleasure.

“I want to take things slow,” he composes himself to keep going, leaving wet kisses along my collarbone before nuzzling into my neck and lowering his body against mine – leaving space for me to continue stroking him. “I want to make this night memorable but fuck,” he groans deeply when I tighten my grip and his hips snap forward, “I don’t know how long I can keep this up because you make it so hard.”

The night contradicts the first night that we were together; that night, we fucked, we went hard and fast but tonight, Jongin takes things slow. He makes sure I feel every inch of his cock slide into my heat, his pace steady instead of trying to get to the finish, his lips mutter sweet nothings against my skin and when they attach, staking claim over what is his, I don’t push him away.

I feel myself getting lost in him, not caring about who could see or what they may say. I let him suck and nibble along the curve of my neck as my nails slide down his back and cause him to grunt. I wrap my legs around his waist, keeping him from pulling back too far and lift my head to bite down on his shoulder to keep in the screams that erupt the moment he finds my g-spot. “There it is,” he smiles against a tender purple blossom on the junction of my shoulder.

The sheets end up in tangles, our bodies coated in sweat as the silent night listens to the sounds we make. I don’t know how long it’s been since I’ve felt this good, felt the coil in my core tighten, my toes curling as I feel the white-hot bliss spread through every limb, blinding me as I cry out Jongin’s name and clench around his still-pumping cock. “Fuck,” he mumbles, exhaustion evident in his voice because time has passed but we have lost track of it and his damp forehead buries into my shoulder as he releases into the condom he wears. We take a moment, revelling in the post-coital glow before Jongin rolls off me, gently removing the condom and walking over to the bin to dispose of it.

I watch him, blushing when I see his back covered in red scratches like he’s been mauled by an animal and as bad as I should feel for the few marks that I gave him in return for the multiples he’s left on my neck, I giggle because they look kind of pretty against his damp, golden skin. “Breakfast tomorrow?” He asks, crawling back into bed and pulling me into his arms. “My treat.”

“Are you asking me out on a date, Kim Jongin?” I tease and he clicks his tongue, squeezing me tight and making me giggle as he mouths the shell of my ear. “That’ll be nice.”

Jongin yawns, body relaxing as I get comfortable in his arms. “I know you want to take things slow and I’m happy to do so but there’s something I need you to know.” My body tenses, the seriousness of his tone leading me to believe that what he’s about to say isn’t going to be something I want to hear. “I think I’m in love with you.”

Shit.

I can’t help that nervous, awkward laugh that erupts from my mouth. I know it’s wrong but I don’t know what to say or do; one would often say ‘I love you, too’ but despite my feelings moving in that direction – love isn’t something I can say just yet.

Jongin doesn’t say anything, he frowns slightly and I can see that my outburst did hurt him a little bit but he shrugs it off, looking up at the ceiling that’s illuminated by the bedside lamp. “I’ll prove it to you. Like I said, I don’t mind taking things slow and even if it takes you a little longer to get there, that’s okay. I just wanted you to know.” Kissing my forehead, Jongin gives me a soft smile before reaching over and turning out the light and as his breathing gets heavier, as my eyelids refuse to remain open, I know my heart feels a little lighter hearing his words.

There’s still a while to go before I’m ready to say those words again, to commit to someone in such a deep emotional level that I could imagine a future with them, but for Jongin, I’ll try.

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