#kinda scared to in a way? I don’t venture outside my bubble much and the idea of my own personal view on a character getting out to

[animalechochamber]

I think about warrior cats sexism all the time. All the time. Like they clearly have it in their writing we (I’m saying we as in the circles I run in. If you don’t know here’s a video on it made by sunnyfall on yt) all know this but it’s in the way that the authors bias shows into their media which just shows how they think about women subconsciously. But like I’m obsessed with the version of warrior cats where this bias is actually real and was written with it in mind. Where it would actually be pointed out and looked at. Where it isn’t just something they accidentally but strongly wrote into their stories.

Idk even when I first read wc as a 7 year old I felt a connection to the female characters bc I could even see how mistreated they were (despite not knowing what sexism really was. just shows how I could already see the difference between me and my male peers at such a young age :/)

And wished so so badly that it would be confronted- but it never was. And that’s so upsetting to the point I still think about it all the time today.

[everythingisgayandnothinghurts]

Unless It’s With You

Carlos overhears a conversation and realizes just how much he wants to marry that Tyler Kennedy Strand.  

This is kinda crap, but it’s also fluffy and any Tarlos content is pretty great, am I right?  It’s my first Tarlos fic and I love them even if I can’t write them well.  Carlos may be a little OOC but this means a lot to him.  Hope you enjoy this.

I’m in over my head, feeling confused

I’m losing my mind, don’t know what to do

Cause I don’t wanna get married

Unless it’s with you

It was another night at the bar for the 126 and Carlos was running late due to having to finish reports from his busy day.  He walked into the crowded space, side stepping a couple making out just inside the door, and immediately looked for his boyfriend or his best friend.  He spotted TK first with the firehouse group around him sharing stories and drinking.  They looked relaxed and that meant it had been a good day without death nipping at their heels.  

“Cap, how do you make those ribs we had last Saturday?  I have a taste for them and Grace might like those for our anniversary dinner this week.” Judd asked over the buzz of the patrons.

“Ribs Ryder?  How have you managed to be married for… how long exactly?” Owen teased the cowboy with a roll of his eyes.

“Longer than you’ve ever been,” Judd jibed lightly, the multiple failed marriages of the captain being common knowledge by now.  “Here in the south ribs are perfectly acceptable for a dinner expressing your love and devotion.”

“Better be sure she isn’t p[lanning to wear white,” Mateo nudged Judd with a laugh.  Carlos was about to announce his presence to the team when probie asked a question he really wanted an answer to as well.  “You see yourself having ribs on your anniversary TK?  It’s only a matter of time before Carlos asks you.”

“Married?” TK’s voice was far more surprised than it should have been.  The two of them had been together a year and Carlos has found himself gazing at rings more than once lately.  He would love to put a ring on his boyfriend’s finger and call him his for the rest of their lives.  He could see them buying a new house together and maybe even adopting a kid one day together.  He saw the whole package with the younger firefighter and up until this moment he never thought TK felt any differently.  “I’ve seen more than my share of marriages fall apart.  I don’t see the point in getting married.  There’s no such thing as forever.”

A stone fell into the pit of his stomach at his boyfriend’s words.  Marriage might have only been a passing thought as of late, but it clearly meant more than he thought if the way his chest tightened was any indication.  TK was the love of his life, and there had been nobody Carlos had ever seen forever so clearly with up until now.  

“Hey babe,” Carlos acted as if he hadn’t heard their conversation and had just walked up to the group.  “Sorry I’m late.”

“Dance with me,” TK’s eyes lit up upon seeing him and with a kiss on the cheek Carlos was dragged onto the dance floor just like their first time dancing here.  A year had gone by and suddenly Carlos felt like the two of them might not have come as far as he’d thought.  

~~

A week had gone by since he had eavesdropped on that comment TK made, but his mind wouldn’t let him forget the way his boyfriend had tossed the idea of marriage off the table so easily.  Did that mean the firefighter still didn’t see a future for them?  Was this something to simply pass time for him?  Did he not see the two of them growing old together the way Carlos did?  Was this thing between them not going to stay?  

The worst way for this desire to play out was in his dreams.  It was on a day when their alarms weren’t going off and they could sleep in so his mind felt free to dream and of course he would dream of their wedding.  He would dream of TK wearing his ring and looking at him like he could be in this moment forever.  He would dream of holding TK close under twinkling fairy lights in his mother’s backyard while their guests watched them share a first dance.  

A dream is a wish the heart makes after all.

Carlos snapped awake from the dream where he was married to the man beside him and while they had never talked about it before the desire made something inside of him ache fiercely.  He didn’t want it right now, but he wanted it to be a possibility.  The happy bubble of his dream faded and his eyes started to sting fiercely when his brain caught up to the fact that TK didn’t want that with him.  He didn’t want to get married or he might not even want a family together.  Could it be that they could have dreams for their futures that were so drastically different?  Carlos was so in love with TK that it baffled him.  He didn’t think this kind of love existed outside of movies and it was the most wonderful part of his life.  Loving TK was as easy as breathing and the thought of never having the promise of marriage made a panic rise in him he was unfamiliar with.  He was the one in their relationship that stayed calm, but a simple lack of a ring had him panicked.  He had never been so scared of losing TK outside of some catastrophic call that is, as he was right now.   He knew TK had asked Alex to marry him back in New York.  Was that why he didn’t want to venture down that road again?  Was one failed proposal enough to have him turn away from the idea forever?  

“Carlos,” TK murmured as he rolled over to face him, a sleepy smile stretched over his face.  “It’s too early to be thinking so much.”  A hand lazily came up to cup his cheek, but then suddenly the firefighter was sitting up in bed wide awake.  “Baby, what’s wrong?”

It seemed the stinging behind his eyes had given way to actual tears and how the hell was he about to explain this?  How could he explain being upset by a comment he was never meant to hear at all?  He didn’t know marriage was so important to him until it appeared to be off the table for good.  It sounded stupid as hell to be upset about a ring and a piece of paper which is all the ceremony really boiled down to, but it was the promise he wanted.  The promise of forever meant more than he bargained for.  “Just a dream,” He choked out.  

“Nightmare?” TK guessed with sympathy in his eyes.  Carlos’s dream probably would be a nightmare to the younger man if their roles had been reversed.  He shrugged in reply, hating the lump in his throat and wishing he could grow up and get past this.  TK loved him, and he knew that.  They had been through hell and made it out of the other side stronger and more in love than ever.  He was stupid to be questioning it all over a question he had never even asked.  “Shh, let me hold you.”  

“TK,” Carlos choked out as he felt strong arms wrap around him and his head was tucked into the space between TK’s neck and shoulder.  His boyfriend was comforting him over something he needed to be man enough to just talk about.  “I love you.”

“I love you too, baby,” TK told him softly and Carlos felt a kiss pressed to his temple.  “It’s okay now, you’re with me.  We’re going to have the whole day together and I’ll even let you pick the movie.”  

The tears were getting stronger and Carlos was pretty sure he had never cried over anything more ridiculous than this.  They could easily spend forever together and never have a ring exchanged.  Plenty of people were together for ages without some piece of paper.  TK had been through his father getting divorced twice and then a disastrous proposal attempt.  It made sense why he had no interest in getting married.  What didn’t make sense was the way his heart was breaking.

“Hey, hey deep breath alright?” TK rubbed his back gently and it was ironic their roles were reversed.  Carlos was much more comfortable doing the comforting rather than being the one comforted.  

“I heard you,” Carlos had to say it.  He knew this wasn’t something he could just hold inside of him.  It was bothering him far too much for that.  He sniffed a few times and wiped some tears off his cheeks.  “I heard you talking with your team.  A-about us.”

“What did I say?” TK seemed confused as he pulled back so they could look at each other fully.  

“You said forever didn’t exist,” Carlos repeated softly, swallowing a few more times to get his tears under control.  “I… I was kind of hoping it did for us.”

“What?” TK had obviously already long forgotten about his comment at the bar and Carlos felt even more silly for hanging onto it this long.  “When did I… That wasn’t meant to mean anything.”

“I want to marry you,” Carlos confessed and even saying it felt right.  He was meant to marry this man and his heart knew it without a doubt.  “I want forever for us, Tyler.”

“I…” The younger man seemed lost on how to reply.  TK took his hand gently and squeezed it.  “ ‘Los, of course I want forever with you.”

“You said you didn’t,” Carlos had to point out in a small voice.  

“I’ve seen my share of ruined marriages,” TK said softly.  “Marriage doesn’t mean anything by itself.  That promise is no guarantee anyone is together for the rest of their lives.”  He brought Carlos close to kiss him gently.  “With you I know it would be different.  You would never make that kind of promise without keeping it.  You want to marry me?”

“Without a doubt,” Carlos replied, feeling that stone begin to break up he’d been carrying around.  “I see a whole life with you Tyler, a full ,wonderful life.”

“With you I can start to believe it’s possible,” TK kissed him again before resting their foreheads together.  “Only with you.” 

[anistarrose]

The Fishtank Between Time and Space (GF One-Shot)

Summary: Stan doesn’t think much of the pet axolotl Ford left behind… until he realizes hardly anyone else can see it.

Word Count: 2100

Warnings: none

AO3: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20653508

***

Stan initially figures it’s just a weird pet of Ford’s, simple as that. After all, Ford was okay with him adopting a possum and tying a knife to it when they were kids — little pink salamanders are frankly very normal, by the standards of Stanford Pines.

(Not to mention by the standards of the town that is Gravity Falls. Ford could’ve caught all kinds of disturbing creatures out there in the woods, like a feral gnome or a literal sentient fire... or like something that Stan hasn’t even laid eyes upon, only knowing of its existence from the creaking and rattling noises he always hears when venturing through the forest at night. But thankfully, Ford hasn’t invited any rabid beasts or dark entities that Stan knows of into his house, and Stan’s grateful for that.)

But the salamander — the “axolotl,” Stan learns after finally breaking down and doing some basic research — always feels just a little bit off, in a way he sometimes struggles to put his finger on.

He thinks it’s all in his head, how the beady eyes always seem to be fixed on him. How it never seems to stop smiling. How he’s never once seen it eat, even though the food pellets he gives it never seem to accumulate on the bottom of the tank.

He doesn’t know a whole lot about axolotls in general, and on the basis of that ignorance, he convinces himself that the salamander Ford left behind is perfectly normal.

Until one day a few months after Ford’s disappearance, when something rare happens — he has company other than the usual tourists.

It’s just Boyish Dan Corduroy, hired with some of the first spare cash Stan has had in a long time to come in and fix a few squeaky doors. But he takes his time lumbering through the living room on his way out, which sets Stan on edge. None of the secrets he’s hiding are possible to uncover from this floor of the house, but habit keeps him anxious. Throughout the rare times in his life in which he’s had a residence to call his own, visitors have almost always meant bad news.

Dan’s gaze lands on the fishtank, which has been diligently maintained as a healthy environment for salamanders even though the rest of the room is an unorganized mess. (There are a lot of jabs you could take at Stan’s character, but for whatever reason, he’s developed a soft spot for Ford’s old pet.) As always, the axolotl’s eyes stay fixed on Stan, even though the lumberjack is closer.

“You keep this tank pretty clean,” Dan notes. “You gonna buy some fish or something soon?”

“Well, I’ve already got the —” Stan pauses, realizing he’s not sure how to pronounce axolotl. “The salamander.”

Dan presses his face close to the side of the tank, inches from where the axolotl sits, gills twitching. “Really? Where?”

“You serious? It’s literally right in front of your face — that thing with the pink frills and the beady eyes?”

Dan steps back from the tank, throwing an arm behind Stan the clap him on the back. “Ah, I see what you’re doing! It’s a new attraction you’re testing out on me — the invisible salamander! Good one!”

“Are you — are you fucking with me? Can you really not see —”

But Dan’s already leaving. “Good luck with the Murder Hut business!” his voice boomed from the porch outside. “I’ll tell everyone to come visit your invisible friend!”

Stan whirls around back towards the tank. “Do you know what the fuck that was?” he asked the axolotl. “Who’s really pranking me here — Dan, or you?!”

The axolotl offers no reply, and Stan feels like an idiot for the brief moment in which he’d genuinely expected one.

“Maybe Ford did some weird occult shit to you, and you didn’t have a choice in the matter,” Stan mutters, shuddering slightly as he thought back to all the cracked prisms and X-ed out eyes he’d discovered in his brother’s house. “Or maybe I’m going crazy and hallucinated you all along.”

A bubble comes out of the axolotl’s mouth, rising to the top of the tank before bursting with a satisfying — and very real-sounding — pop.

“Thanks for the reassurance.” Stan tosses a handful of food into its tank, and trudges back to his bedroom upstairs.

There was one rule that Stan very quickly established as he began to run the Muder Hut — or the Mystery Shack, as he was thinking of renaming it — and that rule was not to keep anything genuinely supernatural around, unless it was vital to getting Ford back.

But the axolotl… well, it’s still up for debate whether it really is magical, but Dan hadn’t seemed like he’d been joking, and Stan’s pretty sure that if he was going to hallucinate, he wouldn’t imagine into existence a real salamander that he’d never heard of before with perfect accuracy.

Stan doesn’t want to get rid of it, though. He’s gotten used to the axolotl’s company and the routine of caring for it, even though its eyes still weird him out from time to time. And it’s already been around for months without showing any malicious tendencies, so… would there really be any harm in keeping it around?

***

Months, years, and then decades pass, and Stan’s relationship with the axolotl stays more or less the same. He feeds it and cleans its tank, it smiles at him, and he feels just the tiniest bit less lonely. It’s not much in terms of companionship, but Stan is happy to take what he can get. He talks to it sometimes, telling it about all the places he’s searched for Ford’s journals and all the roadblocks he keeps hitting while he works on reactivating the portal, and it always looks so encouraging.

But two things happen during those years — the first being that Stan becomes convinced that something supernatural is going on with that salamander.

Business is booming so dramatically that he can hardly handle it all on his own, and he goes through several handymen and cashiers before eventually firing each one. Almost all of them comment on the empty fishtank at one point or another, gesturing right towards the spot where Stan can see the axolotl floating, clear as day.

He definitely wonders if he really is hallucinating it after all, but then the second interesting thing happens: someone else notices the axolotl. Several someones.

“I didn’t know you had any pets besides the goat, Mr. Pines!” Soos exclaimes on his second full day working at the Mystery Shack, smooshing his face up against the side of the tank. “What a weird fish!”

Stan is so caught of guard that he doesn’t even think to explain that it’s actually a salamander. “Uh… yeah. It sure is.”

Soos frowns. “Something wrong, Mr. Pines?”

Stan folds his arms, shaking his head even though his mind is racing. “Me? I’m fine. Just wasn’t expecting you to spot the shy little guy, since it usually likes to… you know, hide from strangers. Now, were we going to try and fix the golf cart, or not?”

And that’s the end of the axolotl discussion with Soos, over as quickly as it had begun. During the rare occasions Stan leaves the Mystery Shack, he always instructs Soos to feed it, and the axolotl always seems happy and healthy when he returns. He cannot for the life of him figure out why he and Soos seem to be the only two people in the world who can see it, but eventually he gives up on wondering. A mystery like that would’ve always been more of a question for Ford, anyways.

When he hires Wendy, it takes a while for him to realize that she can see it too. She spends so many weeks passing by the fishtank and not commenting on it that when she finally brings it up, Stan nearly spits out his coffee.

“Where’d you get that salamander, Mr. Pines? My science teacher is looking for a class pet, but everyone just keeps suggesting boring stuff like hamsters.”

“Uh… it came with the Shack. Two-for-one kinda deal, you know.”

“Darn, I was hoping you fished it out of the lake or something. Then I could’ve just gone and caught one myself.”

A few years later, when the twins arrive for the summer, Stan’s heart aches as he watches them discover the fishtank for the first time.

“Hey, Dipper, come check this out! Do you know what kind of animal this is?”

“Whoa, is that an axolotl? That’s so cool! I think I read that in Aztec mythology, they’re associated with the god of twins!”

“Really? Then you’ve just made the perfect new summer pals, Mister Axolotl!”

“Don’t tap on the glass like that, Mabel. You might scare it.” Dipper notices Stan watching them, and immediately starts firing off question after question. “Where did you get it? Do you ever show it to tourists? How long have you had it? How long do axolotls live? It looks pretty small — is it still a juvenile? Do they ever get bigger than this?”

Stan sighs. “Kid, I didn’t even know how to pronounce the world ‘axolotl’ until you showed up today. All I know is how to keep it fed — anything else, and you’re better off looking it up at the library or on a computer or wherever.”

“Well, you at least know where you got it from, right?”

Stan scoops a spoonful of food into the tank, avoiding eye contact with Dipper as he headed back to the gift shop. “I do, but it wouldn’t be the Mystery Shack if I didn’t keep a few secrets, would it?”

Dipper groans. “You’re no fun.”

***

When the axolotl disappears, it hits Stan harder than it should.

Even after thirty years of taking care of it, he never quite thought of it as his pet. It always struck him as more like a roommate, if anything — a lovable little freeloader who came in on its own terms, and stuck around only because it liked the place. Stan’s never given any thought as to why, but he’s always just felt weirdly certain that it could leave at any time if it wanted to.

And now, it has.

So he can’t help but wonder if it’s his fault. If he didn’t clean the tank enough, or cleaned it too much, or wasn’t fast enough noticing or resolving the situation with the lobster Mabel dumped in the tank.

Maybe it wasn’t anything he did. Maybe the axolotl just got bored of watching a man spending thirty years lying to tourists, forging his own brother’s signature, failing to learn quantum physics, and ultimately accomplishing absolutely nothing worthwhile.

Eventually, the kids notice and ask him, and this time he can’t spin it as a secret he’s keeping. He genuinely doesn’t know.

***

After Weirdmageddon, Stan’s memories are a two-thousand piece puzzle scattered across a tabletop, and he thinks he’s starting to fit some of the edge pieces together again, but there are still more gaps than connections. He remembers that the people who have been doting on him and showing him pictures are his family, and he remembers that he loves them and trusts them to help restore him to his former self, but progress is just… so… slow.

He doesn’t remember why they say he saved the world. He’s pretty sure they’re stretching the truth a little, but after seeing the way Ford’s face fell when Stan first asked why everyone was calling him a hero, he’s decided not to correct them.

So what if he doesn’t feel heroic? If it makes his family feel better, he’ll keep it to himself — it’s the least he can do, considering how many tears they’ve already shed for him.

But the first morning after his alleged act of heroism, while trudging through the ramshackle ruins of (he thinks) his house — a flicker of motion from behind cracked glass catches his eye.

The fishtank is nearly drained of water, but a familiar salamander sits in the puddle at the bottom, beaming at him. Stan blinks and rubs his eyes, wondering if he’s still dreaming, but then —

It speaks to him, in an ethereal and musical voice that resonates oddly in his ears, like he’s hearing the echo before he hears the words themselves.

I am so proud of you, Stanley.

“For what?”

Everything.

It dissolves into a froth of tiny, pink, glowing bubbles, which burst one by one as they float towards the top of the tank, and then the axolotl is gone.

***

(End notes:

So one day a few weeks ago, I just randomly woke up thinking “what if the Axolotl was only visible to the members of the Zodiac?” and several bouts with writers’ block later, here we are! Thoughts/comments/reblogs are welcomed as always!)

[kivaember]

(This fic sorta reflects my current state of being l o l honestly, burn out is the worst fucking thing to endure and i am s u f f e r i n g from it so much. So I vented with this, and kinda explored a few of Aymeric’s other relationships.

Also for the fishing bit, Aza and his FC were pretty much doing this)

As always, Aymeric woke up at the crack of dawn.

It was to an empty bed, so he thankfully didn’t have to go through the torturous ordeal of untangling himself from Aza’s arms and slipping out without him waking up (impossible). He did so love his partner, but some days he he just wanted get to work on time without having to rush because Aza decided to imitate a rather clingy, amorous limpet.

The sun was just peeking over the twisting spires of the Holy See when Aymeric emerged from his home, dressed, fed and waiting for his coffee to kick in. His feet took him along the well worn path towards the Congregation of the Knights Most Heavenly (he needed to find a way to shorten that into something that didn’t sound so… cultish), the air almost pleasantly mild. It was ‘summer’ for Ishgard now, and that brought with it weak sunshine, gentle breezes and rain. It boded well for a possible thawing of the permafrost that clung to this land, though he doubted they would be able to reproduce their previous agricultural output for another few years yet.

The foot traffic was light this early in the morning, so Aymeric was utterly alone as he descended the steps from the Pillars to the lower levels of Ishgard. It meant he could break decorum a little and stifle a yawn behind his hand, feeling ragged to the bone. Gods, he always felt so exhausted when Aza wasn’t here. As distracting as his partner could be, he certainly slept easier when they-

-something abruptly jabbed him hard in his kidneys.

“Fuck-” he blurted in utter surprise, his foot slipping on the step and almost sending him on an embarrassing tumble, if not for the strong hand gripping his bicep. His lower back throbbed from the very painful jab he just took, and, face slightly red from embarrassment, regained his footing and turned to see-

“That’s another stabbin’ you coulda hand,” the ‘Mongrel’ smiled at him, all teeth, “C’mon, Lord Commander. I’ve told ya before about this route. Ambush points everywhere.”

Aymeric’s shoulders slumped, and Hilda kindly released his arm to give him a short pat on the shoulder, somehow making the gesture of reaching up not look too ridiculous.

“Lady Ware,” he sighed wearily.

“Hilda. I ain’t a lady.”

“Lady Ware,” Aymeric repeated, just to be contrary and because he got some vindication at watching her wrinkle her nose in disgust at him, “Thank you for scaring another five months off my lifespan. How many deaths is that now?”

“Two hundred an’ fifty somethin’ or other,” Hilda said, and jabbed him in the ribs again before he could move away, “Yer self-awareness is shite. It’s a miracle you ain’t been stabbed again, what with all them lords sharpening their daggers every time your back’s turned.”

“It probably has to do with the fact that you loiter in the dark corners they’d normally try to stab me from,” Aymeric said, his voice dry as dust, “The key to a successful assassination is not to do it with witnesses, you see.”

“Smarmy bastard,” Hilda said fondly, “Still, I can’t loiter in all the dark corners. I got a life outside of looking at your arse all day.”

“Duly noted,” Aymeric sighed, and inclined his head, “Walking the same way?”

“Yup,” Hilda said with a cocksure smile, boldly moving in step with him as they continued their way.

It was a queer friendship, he knew, if it could even be called friendship. It wasn’t a conventional relationship in the slightest, an alliance of necessity to smooth over any snarls and tangled between the Temple Knights and the newly established City Watch. Several knights, and lords, were somewhat disgruntled at these lowborn peasants suddenly having the power to enforce the law. Whilst the City Watch tended mostly to petty crime, freeing the Knights for more high-profile and sensitive cases, it was still a scrap of power long denied to those at the very bottom. Friction was inevitable.

Yet, during the beginning years of their wary and necessary alliance, a strange camaraderie started to form between them. Hilda jokingly said it was because he was now part of the ‘Orphaned Bastards Club’, but Aymeric felt it was more because they both believed the same things… and they really enjoyed thumbing their noses at the stuffier lords sitting pretty in Ishgard’s fledging republic. There were stark differences between them, though. Aymeric’s position was always privileged, member of the Orphaned Bastards Club or not, whilst Hilda scrambled at the bottom of society since birth. Friction there was inevitable too.

But they made it work.

Yes, they were both stubborn and passionate and clashed – often – but Hilda had proven herself to be a valuable ally, instead of the dangerous enemy she could have been. She worked with him to ensure a level balance between the Knights and the City Watch, she was blunt and honest enough not to hold back to correct him on his assumptions on what the lower class needed, and, more importantly, she was loyal to a fault.

He could do without the mock-assassinations whenever he went to and from work though. At this point he had a feeling she was doing it more to mess with him, rather than increasing his chances of surviving another assassination attempt.

“I see Lover boy’s outta town,” Hilda said casually, “What’s he up to this time? Savin’ another damn country?”

“He’s gone fishing with some adventurer friends,” Aymeric said.

The look Hilda gave him was worth the early morning scare, honestly. The disbelief, the slight suspicion that he was pulling her leg, writ across her face was deeply amusing, “Fishin’.”

“Mm, that is what I said,” he said with mock-innocence, “Something the matter?”

“He doesn’t seem like the type to fish,” Hilda said dubiously, “Requires a bit of patience, don’t it?”

“If there’s a promise of food at the end of it, you’ll find him surprisingly patient,” Aymeric said, “Also he fishes with Imperial grenades.”

Hilda let out a sigh that almost eased into a laugh, “’Course he does.”

The rest of the walk to the Congregation was pleasant in Hilda’s company. She told him a little of what the City Watch had been doing, what assistance they could do with, and in turn Aymeric told her about the new bills being proposed regarding a government funding project to properly equip the City Watch. Hilda had taken that last thing with a wry twist to her lips, just as aware as him that that bill would be bounced around in the House of Lords for as long as their constitution allowed.

“Best leave ya here,” Hilda said briskly as they stopped at the Congregation, “When ya see Aza, tell ‘im to swing by the Forgotten Knight sometime. Haven’t had a drink with him in a while.”

“I’ll pass on the message,” Aymeric promised.

Hilda clapped him on the arm, her fingers trailing along his forearm and pressing a crumpled piece of paper – discreetly – into his hand. With a two-fingered salute, the Mongrel prowled off in that confident strut of hers, disappearing into the early morning crowd that had started to stir.

Aymeric closed his fist around the paper slowly and turned away, tucking it casually into his breeches’ pocket. Another perk to his friendship-alliance with the Mongrel was information that would otherwise be denied to a Lord Commander part of the ‘class system’ all the commoners hated. What people wouldn’t admit or say to the knights, they admitted to the City Watch. But, whilst the City Watch’s powers were limited, Aymeric had more clout and influence. It was always a balancing act to work out on what he could action, but it made his life so much easier.

Honestly, it would have been a harder ordeal rooting out corruption, if it weren’t for her.

--

“Sir. Sir.”

“M’awake,” Aymeric mumbled into his desk, not lifting his head even when Lucia sighed somewhere above him.

“Lord Artoirel is here to see you,” she said firmly, “To discuss the Adventurer’s Guild Proposal. Remember?”

Aymeric made a noise better suited to some deep-sea creature being pulled out of a loch somewhere. The fucking Adventurer’s Guild Proposal. The bane of his political existence and the thorn in the House of Lord’s side. The last debate on it had descended into petty stonewalling, where no one had come out smelling pretty.

(Aymeric himself hadn’t come out of that debate well. In a flash of white-hot, temporary madness brought on by sheer frustration at the inefficiency their government was stagnating in, he had ended the ridiculous shouting match by flipping the Speaker’s desk and verbally flaying everyone present. It was the first time he ever heard the House of Lords stunned into terrified silence. It was then that Artoirel had, warily, suggested that perhaps they should all take a break and cool their heads a little while someone replaced the Speaker’s desk.)

“Should I take that as you cancelling the meeting?” Lucia asked him flatly.

“I’ll take it,” Aymeric said wearily, propping himself up and massaging his temples. A low-grade headache was beginning to throb insistently behind his eyes. He was so sick of reading things now. He should have ran away with Aza to throw Imperial grenades into a lake somewhere.

Lucia didn’t move, giving him a long searching look.

“Sir,” she ventured carefully, “When was the last time you took a break?”

Considering Lucia helped to micromanage his stuffed to the gills schedule, she should know exactly when he took a break. Better than he, anyways, where the days just blurred together in some nightmarish ordeal of holding a fledging republic together by his fingertips. Whilst it was more stable than it had been initially, somehow that meant more work bubbling up as people actually became efficient enough to start, well, working. Instead of just focusing on reshuffling their budget and trying to dismantle the Ishgardian war machine, they now had to juggle foreign policy, trade routes, commitments to the Eorzean Alliance, commitments to the Scions, immigration, social reforms, military reforms, economics, etcetera, etcetera, etcetera. Aymeric just didn’t have enough hands to manage it all.

“You tell me, Lucia,” he said in a rare show of snippiness, “When did I last have a break?”

Lucia straightened up and said, rather coolly, “Three months ago, sir, for half a day.”

Aymeric rubbed at his face and pinched at the bridge of his nose, letting out a very long exhale, “Right.”

“…I think,” Lucia said in a very neutral tone, “That you need a break, sir.”

Aymeric looked at the papers sprawled over his desk for a long moment. What had initially filled him with passionate determination now made him feel an intense dread. He was burnt out, he realised, and stressed to a cracking point, if his embarrassing blow up at the last House of Lords session was anything to go by. “Yes, I think so too.”  

“Conveniently,” Lucia continued, “An invitation from Lord Hien of Doma arrived this morning by Postmoogle. It seems they wish to express their gratitude for the contribution Ishgard made towards their reconstruction efforts. It asks for you explicitly by name.”

It was a testament to how tired Aymeric was that he didn’t immediately make the connection, “This is convenient…?”

“Sir, this is a thinly veiled attempt to curry further favour with Ishgard by inviting you to their city to be spoiled and bribed,” Lucia said bluntly, “While the other City States also made contributions to Doma, the engineers and architects we sent have been integral to rebuilding their city and their destroyed castle. No doubt they will want us to continue loaning such expertise until they no longer need it, and to do that…”

“Ah,” Aymeric said, enlightened, “I see.”

“I already sent an acceptance on your behalf,” Lucia said, proving that she was an angel sent down from Halone Herself. If Aymeric weren’t so exhausted, he probably would have gotten down on his hands and knees and thanked her from the very bottom of his heart, “I’m certain the Warrior of Light will be happy to accompany you.”

That was all well and good, except, “But, who will tend to my duties in the interim?”

“I can handle your Lord Commander duties, sir,” Lucia said, and inclined her head towards the door, “And I am sure Lord Artoirel can handle your Speaker duties, as he is your political second in command. You should start learning to delegate.”

Aymeric processed this for a long moment. Then;

“Lucia,” he said gravely, “Have I ever told you how much I appreciate you?”

The faintest curl to Lucia’s lips betrayed her smile.

“Yes, sir,” she said warmly, “You tell me every day.”

---

All things considered, Artoirel handled his sudden burden with good grace.

“You need the break,” Artoirel told him firmly, “I was beginning to worry that you would crash and burn before you started delegating.”

“I wasn’t that bad, was I?” Aymeric asked, although a sinking feeling in his belly told him that, yes, he had acted a bit like a control freak. He couldn’t help it. He had sweated blood and tears to get Ishgard to this point, and he was terrified that it was going to be cocked up by petty greed and ambitions running counter their fledging republic. There were so many things that could be taken advantage of – were being taken advantage of, where corruption could fester and grow if one took their eyes off it for too long, where their government could collapse in on itself like the unstable house of cards it was and erupt into a destabilising and bloody civil war.

Aymeric wanted this to go well. He needed this to go well. Yet… he was also falling into the trap of thinking it’d only go well if he micromanaged every single possible bit of it, which… which wasn’t all that different to how Father had ruled Ishgard. Just like him, he was all but strangling the government by gripping it so hard. The realisation felt like a knife to the gut.

No, wait. A knife to the gut would have been better, actually.

“You… need to delegate a little, yes,” Artoirel said diplomatically, “But no one can deny you have Ishgard’s best interests at heart.”

Aymeric rubbed his forehead, biting back ‘the Archbishop also had Ishgard’s best interests at heart’, because that was going to go down an emotional rabbit hole of father issues that Artoirel didn’t deserve to sit through.

“Right,” he said instead, bottling up that emotional upheaval for later. He planted his hands on the papers on his desk and pushed them forwards towards his soon-to-be-intensely-suffering-replacement, “In which case, I deeply apologise for the hell I am about to put you through.”

Artoirel looked briefly pained, though the expression quickly cleared into one of grim, determination.

“I’ll endure it,” he said.

Really, Aymeric sincerely hoped Artoirel won the next round of elections for the Speaker position. He was, apparently, a far better politician and man than he’d ever be. That was a bitter pill to swallow, surprisingly, but it was mostly relief Aymeric felt.

Lucia was right.

He was burnt out.

---

Lucia kicked him out of his office before it was mid-afternoon.

“Go home,” she told him, and physically blocked him from getting back in his office. After being soundly out-manoeuvred and cowed by Lucia’s stern glare, Aymeric had no choice but to slink back home feeling oddly out of sorts. He had no looming deadline he had to grind towards, no bills or proposals he had to manage, no patrol reports to review or inspections to prepare for or… anything. He felt almost adrift, and he barely remembered the walk back home.

(Hilda would have been scandalised at his lack of self-awareness. He was probably lucky she didn’t chance upon him. She might have drop-kicked him)

He spent his abrupt dearth of free time not preparing for his journey in less than two days’ time – but by lying on his living room floor. It was, actually, a very comfortable floor, and he now saw why Aza lied down on it so much. It was firm, but not uncomfortably hard, and was doing wonders for his aching back. Maybe he should make this a thing. Just spend an hour lying on the floor and staring at the ceiling, slowly dumping all the white noise in his brain so he felt semi-human again.

This was the state Aza found him in a few hours later.

“Aym,” his partner said, standing at his head and smelling faintly of damp and mud, “Are you having a moment?”

“Lucia kicked me out of the office,” he informed him, still disbelieving about that. Grateful, but disbelieving, because the last few hours had been blissful, albeit accompanied by the low-grade anxiety of knowing that he wasn’t doing anything productive, “To take a break.”

Aza laughed at that, crouching down. He was smiling, an adorable grin that flashed his sharp canines and made the corners of his eyes crinkle. Aymeric dreamily admired that lovely expression for a long moment.

“I told you that you were working too hard,” Aza chided him gently, “Did you just lie here the whole time?”

“Yes,” Aymeric said shamelessly, “How was fishing?”

“Great. We annoyed a kraken and fought it.”

Aymeric hummed quietly, finding himself smiling a little stupidly at how genuinely pleased Aza looked at that. Only he would find fighting a kraken a good outcome of fishing, “Did you win?”

“Of course!”

Not long after that he had an armful of Aza, stripped naked with his brine-smelling clothes in a pile next to the sofa. The smell of damp and mud still lingered, but Aymeric still inhaled it and found that tight knot squeezing his belly slacken and relax. No matter how stressed he became, he could always count on Aza just… making it right again. True, he brought his own challenges from time to time, but, Gods, they were worth it.

“You have a dopey look on your face,” Aza commented, the pair of them nose to nose, “I bet you’re thinking of something very schmoopy.”

“Mmm…” Aymeric smiled lazily, “I’m thinking about how much I love you.”

“Sap,” Aza muttered, but his cheeks were a little pink and he was smiling, “You always think about that.”

“Not always,” Aymeric said, “Sometimes I think about how beautiful you look. Or how amazing you are. Or how many Chocobos you’re going to adopt when we retire-”

“Fifty,” Aza said instantly.

“More like one hundred,” Aymeric said wryly, “Like you’d stop at fifty.”

“Point.”

“In short,” Aymeric concluded, “I think about plenty of things… but it is mostly about how much I love you.”

“I can see that,” Aza said, giving him an odd smile. For a moment, it looked as if he was going to say something, but then just sighed and closed his eyes, “I love you too, Aym. Even if you are a sappy dork.”

A companionable silence fell on them then. It wasn’t awkward or uncomfortable. Aymeric just basked in the warmth of his partner’s body curled against his own, the press of his forehead against his own, the tickle of Aza’s hair against his nose and bottom lip, just… listening to him breathe, feeling him in his arms, here, existing, slowly, Aymeric could feel the lingering tension in his body just…ease away.

Yes, he definitely needed that break. He hadn’t realised how bone-weary and burnt out he was until now. A few weeks longer and he might’ve self-destructed entirely, jeopardising everything he worked for and causing the problems he feared would happen, just from stubbornly micromanaging everything.

Doma would still be work, but it’d be relaxed work. He would have to schmooze and make friends, but he wouldn’t have to also juggle a thousand other things simultaneously. It’d be good for him to just decompress and figure his own life out, before wading back into the thorny battlefield that was Ishgardian politics.

“What’re you thinkin’ ‘bout?” Aza asked him sleepily.

“… work,” Aymeric murmured, kissing the tip of his nose, “You’ll find out later.”

“Hrm,” Aza was content with that, and he watched as his partner slipped off into a dozing slumber. He looked adorable. It was amazing how loving someone so much made even the simple act of sleeping seem like the most sublime thing on the planet. Aza was right, he was such a sappy dork.

For the first time in a while, his worries about Ishgard were… the furthest thing from his mind.  

[dana-writes]

the eyes to pull me in (lucaya)

basically i wrote this for secret santa and i thought it could use a repost ;) also, if you read this, shoot me an ask and lmk if i should change my url to trahgedy or not!!

It was never supposed to get that far. Lucas and Maya, together. Before that night, they could maintain the tremulous balance, so close to toppling. No one was supposed to get hurt. No one was ever supposed to acknowledge that they did get hurt. If it wasn’t for the rain and the stupid, stupid bus, then things would probably have worked out alright for just a bit longer.  But it was just Maya Hart’s luck to get caught in a thunderstorm.

Bang. Bang. Bang. Lucas looked up from his notes. At first, he thought he imagined the knocking. After all, who would be knocking at his door at half past midnight? Bang. Bang. Bang. He pushed himself out of his chair and went to check the door. Needless to say, he was surprised by what he saw. Maya Hart, dripping wet, looking extremely annoyed to be found at his doorstep.

“Maya? What are you-”

“The bus broke down. My apartment’s three miles away. Could I -” She reluctantly met his gaze. “Could I sleep here tonight?” He peered around the corner to check that his mom hadn’t woken up.

“Uh. yeah. Yeah, of course.” He opened the door wider, letting her wander in.

“Which way’s your room?” She asked, like she hadn’t been to his apartment before. But he knew she was trying to pretend, and he knew why she was trying to pretend so he didn’t so much as raise an eyebrow as he led her to his door.

“Do you need something to sleep in? You’re kinda wet.” Maya’s eyes widened, as she tried to gather her skirt into her fists as if that could stop the flow of water.

“Sorry, I don’t mean to make a mess -”

“Maya, it’s not that. I just don’t want you to get sick or anything. You must be freezing,” Lucas said, already starting to root through his drawer to find something warm, though he guessed she was right to be worried, noting the puddle of water already forming beneath her feet.

“Oh, don’t worry about that. I’m gonna get sick no matter what. I had to walk half a mile just to get here.” Lucas furrowed his brow.

“Well, at least let me get you a blanket.” Maya shrugged, and Lucas crossed his arms. “Come on, Maya, it’s me. You call me Huckleberry everyday, but asking for a blanket when you’re on the verge of pneumonia is too much?”

“Starting to think pneumonia isn’t sounding so bad right about now,” Lucas rolled his eyes, but he took her quip as begrudging acceptance and ran to get her a blanket, and while he was at it, he grabbed hot chocolate mix from the pantry and started to heat up some milk.

By the time he came back, she was sitting cross-legged on his carpet, staring up at his new posters. He handed her the blanket, fearing that wrapping it around her would be too much. She gave him a tentative, tight-lipped smile when he handed her the hot chocolate.

Things were so different now. It used to be so easy to hang out with her. But what happened at Mount Sun Lodge changed everything for everybody. It wasn’t until after him and Riley broke up he realized how bad everything had gotten between him and Maya. He felt like he’d messed everything up. They’d almost stopped speaking entirely. He sighed, sitting on the end of his bed.

“You don’t have to sit on the floor, you know,” he said, pointing to his bean bag chair.

“I didn’t want to get it wet.”

“Water dries,” he pointed out. Maya shrugged, but this time with a small smile, and Lucas felt the slightest bit of hope bubble up inside him as she sat down on the bean bag chair.

“So, what are you doing up so late anyway, Cowboy?” Lucas fought back a smile at hearing her call him a nickname again.

“Uh, studying. Kinda need to pass my bio test.”

“You? But you can ace that class in your sleep,” she said, burrowing into the blanket.

“I’ve been… um… kinda distracted lately, I guess.” She raised an eyebrow, but didn’t press him on it, which he was extremely grateful for.

“Well, I’ve given up on good grades. Not my thing, you know?”

“No, I don’t know.” He took a deep breath, remembering the week she was so happy to get an A. Then, everything changed. He still didn’t really know why. All he knew was what they told him. While he was on the verge of a decision about the girls, Maya was on the verge of something else. And, no matter how many times he was told she’d fallen on the right side, things weren’t quite the same the next time he saw her. She was different. They were different. “Don’t you remember the time you got an A?”

“That was a fluke. I think I might drop Spanish, anyway.” He sucked in his lips, but decided to change topic. He didn’t want to scare her away. This was the most amount of conversation they’d had in months. Very carefully, he made his way next to her on the beanbag chair. Surprisingly enough, she made room for him.

“So why were you out so late?” Maya waited so long in responding, Lucas thought she might have been ignoring him.

“I was visiting my dad’s family. They wanted to meet me. I shouldn’t have gone, though. It kind of just… sucked.”

“Do you… want to talk about it?” Lucas ventured.

“No,” she said, briskly.

“That still doesn’t explain why you were out so late.”

“I got lost. Had to catch a really late bus. Then, of course, it started storming out. Believe me, this was a last resort. You have no idea how much I didn’t want to come.” Lucas reached out, almost subconsciously, grabbing her cold hand in his. They were so close, he could feel her breath.

“I’m glad you did. I feel we don’t even talk anymore. I miss this. I miss… you.” Maya snatched her hand away, abandoning the blanket and sitting upright. There was a tense moment of silence. Lucas looked at his hands. “Did I… do something wrong?” He heard her heavy breathing for moment.

“You’re not my boyfriend, Lucas.” Lucas blinked.

“I know.”

“You don’t get to talk to me like that.”

“Maya…”

“You’re not my anything. Not anymore.” All of a sudden, she was standing up, leaving the blanket discarded on the floor and heading for the door of his room. He tried to catch her, but she was already outside his apartment, and headed down the hall.

“Maya, wait! Where are you going?” She pushed the door open and Lucas saw the wind almost knock her over right away. “Hey, come back in!” He yelled over the thunder. He bit his lip, but, hesitantly, he ran out, braving the rain, and grabbed her arm. “Hey, stop.”

She slowly turned to face him. “This was a bad idea. I should never have come here.”

“What are you talking about? What did I do?” He could see her searching his face.

“I told you already!”

“No, I don’t mean right now. Why’d we stop talking? What did I do to make you hate me?” He forgot about what had happened just five minutes earlier, and he lifted a hand to her sopping wet hair. She didn’t stop him. Thunder echoed so loudly it shook the whole street. His clothes were heavy, dragging with the weight of the water.

“I don’t hate you! I could never hate you! That’s the whole thing!” She screamed, and he could barely hear her over the wind. “Lucas, just let me go, okay? Just let me go!” She wrangled out of his grip, but she didn’t leave, not right away.

“Look into my eyes and ask yourself if it’s worth it. If it’s worth running into a thunderstorm just to get away from me. We have to face this eventually. You have to face me, eventually.” He could see her breath fog up in front of him. She looked away, finally breaking their gaze.

“Just go home, Lucas. Go home and then let me go home.” She turned away, running, the sound of her feet slapping in the puddles.

“It doesn’t have to be like this,” he whispered, but the sound got swept away in the storm.

It wasn’t until Lucas was staring at his ceiling wondering how things had spiraled so quickly that he realized just how big a mistake he’d made. He’d let her walk out the door in the middle of a thunderstorm? Oh god, he’d thought pushing himself out of bed once again, no wonder she hates me. He grabbed his phone punching in her number and biting his lip. No answer.

He tried again. No answer. He left a voicemail. “Hey, it’s Maya! Leave it at the beep!”

“Maya, I’m sorry. Just come back and we can talk. Or - we don’t even have to talk. We don’t have to do anything.” He pushed himself out the door, feeling the rain pelt at his back again. “At least call me back and let me know you’re okay. And dry, preferably.” He wanted to say more, but the tone cut him off. He cussed under his breath, realizing he left his umbrella back inside. Wonderful. Now they were both going to get pneumonia. He took out his phone again, trying to shield it from the rain. A drowsy voice answered him.

“Hello?”

“Zay? I need help.”

“At one in the morning? Where are you? It sounds like you’re being run over by a train.” Lucas looked to the left and right, frantically trying to remember which way Maya had went.

“Feels like it, too. Um…”

“Please tell me what you need so I can decide whether to go back to sleep or not.”

“I lost Maya!” He blurted, deciding that she went left.

“You’re just now realizing that?”

“I mean in the rain.” He heard a long silence on Zay’s end.

“I’m gonna need more information. Seriously, where are you?”

“I’m looking for her! She came to my apartment dripping wet and then we got into a fight and she ran off and now she’s gone-”

“You let her leave in the rain?”

“I wasn’t thinking! Things were really intense. Zay, I need you to help me.”

“God, if Mama kills me, you’re gonna pay for this. Did you try calling Riley?”

“I didn’t want to wake her up.”

“Oh, so you have no trouble waking me up, but god forbid you stir Riley from her sleep?”

“That is so beside the point. Just… look outside. I’m - I’m outside. Look outside.” There was a brief pause and he saw a light flicker on in Zay’s window. Even from five stories below he thought he could see Zay roll his eyes.

“Lucas, you’re so lucky I live close to you. Give me two minutes.”

“We don’t have two minutes!”

“Well, what do you expect? I’m in my pajamas, Lucas!” Begrudgingly, Lucas hang up the phone, crossing his arms and tapping his foot, impatiently. Sure enough, two minutes later, there was Zay, raincoat and all. “Which way did she go?”

“This way, conveniently.” Lucas checked his phone again, to see if Maya had sent him anything, anything at all. Nothing. He called her again. Voicemail.

“Dammit, Maya, please call back. I don’t care what you say, I just want to know you’re okay.” He hung up, resisting the urge to throw his phone on the sidewalk and watch it shatter. Zay sighed. He took his own phone out of his pocket.

“Hey, Maya? Slow down. I can’t hear you.” Another burst of thunder interrupted the conversation. Lucas shut his eyes, relieved and a little disappointed. He screwed up that badly that she wouldn’t even answer him? “Where are you? Where? Jesus, are you - yeah, sorry. Are you okay? Look, he woke me up. Okay, we’re on our way. Yes, I’m bringing him… I think he might have an aneurysm if he doesn’t see you. You think I have the ability to joke at one in the morning? Being friends with y’all is exhausting. Stay there. I will be very, very mad if I have to keep searching the city all night because you couldn’t stay put. Okay. Okay, jeez. Yeah. See you soon.”

Lucas bit his lip, waiting on bated breath. “Is she okay?”

“She’s safe, if that’s what you’re asking. But she’s crying. Lucas, what did you say to her?”

“Where is she?”

“She outside the subway station two blocks away. Too scared to go in. Seriously, what happened?” Lucas ran a hand over his face.

“Oh god, that was so stupid. Doesn’t she know the kind of people who hang around there? C’mon, we need to hurry.”

“Lucas.”

“I don’t know what happened, alright? It’s like… I said too much. I scared her off.” He started off into a light jog, anxious to get to her as fast as possible, but he didn’t want to slip on some puddle. And he knew Zay would kill him anyway if he started running. He reminded himself to thank Zay when this whole mess had passed. All too soon and after what felt like a decade, he saw her, arms wrapped around herself standing next to the entry to the subway.

He didn’t even bother looking both ways. He ran across the street, leaving Zay stranded and waiting for the light to say walk. She almost shrank away from him, but like a candle going out, she gave in. He wrapped his arms around her, holding her tight. “I’m sorry.” He whispered into her ear. “I don’t want to fight with you.” Her arms clutching him back felt like a miracle coming true.

“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I hate this. I hate how things are now.” He pulled away, letting his hands hold the sides of her head.

“It doesn’t have to be like this,” he said, and this time he made sure she could hear him. And then, without even realizing he was doing it, he kissed her. Her lips tasted like hot chocolate and warm blankets. He tried to put in the kiss everything he wanted her to have. Sunsets. Autumn leaves. Ice cream on a hot day. Road trips in the middle of nowhere. Paint smears on her forehead. Coffee dates in a small cafe. Starlight. Stomach drops on roller coasters. Snowball fights. Roasting marshmallows. Campfires.

She broke for air, and he felt like he learned how to breathe for the first time. He touched his forehead to hers. “Is this… okay?” He felt her nodding against him. Water dripped off the tip of his nose. “Come home with me, Maya. I don’t want us to be in this storm any longer than we have to.”

She laced her fingers through his. “I’m glad we finally got out of it.”

[lonelybutnotlostsoul-blog]

Long distance Military Relationships....

So I’ve never been a serious blogger, but that might be changing here soon. Frankly, I think it takes too much time and effort. Up until now, I’ve seemingly had it all together with a pretty casual life. I’m almost 20 years old and currently dating a U.S. Navy Sailor... 2 years and counting.

The reason I’ve decided to take to Tumblr again? I’m lonely. My boyfriend left three days ago to head up to Washington, from there he’ll be going on his first deployment. He will only be gone for two to three months at a time with a two or three months being in, or that’s what I’ve been told so far. Things tend to change, but I don’t think this is one of those. Sorry, I’m not that good at being able to keep up with all these things.... All I know is I love him so I’m kinda just wingin’ it for him.

Anyways, so yeah, I’m lonely. He’s gone and I have no idea when the next time I will even be able to see him again. So that is the reason I’ve started this blog, to keep myself busy while he’s away.

It hit me extremely hard the first day he left, after 8 months of living together and getting to see him every night and on his days off (since he was in the schooling part) his sudden absence hit me like a train. Even while knowing this time was coming, I still wasn’t ready. I can’t describe this feeling and honestly, I’d rather not. Instead, I’m going to keep myself busy with this blog and staying positive for the future.

How we ended up meeting is kind of funny.

We both grew up in the same small town out in the middle of nowhere country part of Cali, with a population of 517, yet had no clue each other existed. I lived pretty much right around the block from him and I grew up knowing his father (a rather popular man around town for being a kinda handyman of sorts), but had no clue he had children my age. A daughter who’s two and a half years older than me, as well as a son who’s only two months older than me. 

It took 17 years for us to find each other, on a camping trip. Odd since my mother and his father rarely do anything with each other (not that they don’t get along or anything, they just have different life styles and friends.), but we ended up on a camping trip with them some how anyways.

I met him early July time, knowing he’d be leaving to the Navy in a few months. Honestly, I didn’t expect things to turn into this.

Long story short, we hit it off pretty well. Even after he dropped me in a river on accident, I still make fun of him for that to this day. At the time it was just my mother, my younger brother, and me joining them in camping up at the Sierra Nevada Mountain Range. Joining a rather large group of 4 other adults, two teens, and 6 children. All together it might not have been the most enjoyable camping trip I’ve ever been on, but I had fun with the other two teens. Not knowing that I’d be best friends with one and dating the other.

After the trip, everything went back to normal and I figured I probably wouldn’t ever talk to them again. A few days later Johnny (15 years old at the time) added me into a group chat on Facebook with J (my future boyfriend), who was gone again on a summer camp thing for Eagle Scouts. Johnny and I blew up his phone with messages while he was away, a nice surprise for J when he came back into data range.

It all just ran together. For the first few weeks, I mainly talked to Johnny or in group chat (since I still wasn’t really talking much to J, I hit it off better with Johnny who is one of my best friends now). But soon J and I ended up texting, like all the time. It happened all at once, I don’t even remember how. In a few short weeks, we were texting from the time we woke up until bed time. Goodnight and morning texts flew by and so did the days we spent hanging out. Down at the river bottom outside of town, going for walks, hanging out at the small middle school playground, we did everything this small town could offer before eventually venturing out farther to like the beach and hikes.

Almost every day for the remaining month of summer was spent together, growing closer to the day he would be leaving for basic training (aka boot camp). By the end of September I was hopelessly hooked, when we were at his Mom’s going away party for him I ended up breaking down and crying outside with Johnny. He had already seen it coming I guess, evidently a lot of people had actually. Somehow I managed to pull it together and go back in to enjoy the rest of my time with him, the thought still pretty heavy on my mind.

He was leaving in a few weeks and after he got out of boot camp he’d go away and forget all about me because I was just that girl. Like a sappy story: girl falls for a guy, guy doesn’t know doesn’t care, guy leaves to climb up in the world, girl gets left behind and forgotten and spend the rest of her life in the same old rut of a small town. Right? Skylar Gray’s song “Tower” was on repeat in my head the whole time, not even joking.

The next weekend was his father’s going away party for him, he normally does things separately with them since his parents are divorced. This was when everything completely switched for me, for us. At the party, before everyone had arived there, a small group of us were hanging out upstairs. Johnny, J’s sister, J, and I. J and I had just walked in the room, standing rather close I guess. I’d gotten pretty used to being so close to him, I’d nearly be touching him. Not purposely, just without even thinking.

“So, are you two together yet?” The words fumbled out of Johnny’s mouth before he could stop them, he honestly hadn’t meant it to.

J and I kinda froze and looked at each other, I was so afraid of his answer. Neither I would have been satisfied with. “No” would have hurt more than ever, but if he had said “yes” I would have sternly said no and walked out. Bad experience with an ex in the past; my mother had asked him and he just answered yes, when honestly we weren’t even close to that.

Thankfully neither of those happened, something else did. Something that I respect so much to this day, I’d never had it before. Instead of answering, J nudged me out into the hall around the corner. I found myself leaning against the wall with him a little too close, or it felt that way at least. I was so nervous I couldn’t breathe or even think straight, I liked him so so so much. He was just as nervous as me, if not more. He kind of fidgeted and stumbled over words, looking back now it still makes my stomach feel all fluttery and bubbly.

“I’d like to,” was all he said. My heart felt like it was in my throat, I nodded. It was all I could do, I was nearly in tears and I still couldn’t breathe right. He smiled and asked if I really wanted to be his girlfriend, if possible getting even more fidgety. Of course, I did, I’ve liked him since I felt met him. I told him yes and bam, that’s how we started dating. A week before boot camp. It made him so happy, I was his first girlfriend. He was 18 years old but had been friend zoned all through high school, I was his first. (First everything, what a heavy weight to carry right? Like what if I wasn’t all he’d expected right? Like the first kiss and anything sexual is always a big thing people talk up, I didn’t want to disappoint.)

I was his first kiss.

We went on our first date, to the movies and after we got Starbucks and hung out at a small park while it was dark. I guess he tried to kiss me, I obviously hadn’t noticed and moved away. He thought I did it on purpose trying to avoid it, but I didn’t. After we’d been dating for a while he told me this and I felt really bad after. Our first kiss was a teary and boogerfull one, one that lead to many more. We didn’t kiss until the day before he left, he kissed me while I was in the middle of crying. First off it started that I couldn’t bring myself to look at him, I hate people seeing me cry. I hate it so much. But he forced me to look up at him and then kissed me, it wasn’t very smooth but he did better on the second kiss.

He left for boot camp in October, and it was one of the hardest things I’ve even been through. It’s the second hardest I’ve ever cried. I texted him while he was on his way to the airport, then when he landed in Chicago later the evening. It would be the last I talked to him for like two months, going from talking and hanging out almost every day to him being over 2,000 miles away with almost zero contact at all. I’d never had to go through something like that. It was always just a movie thing, that cute couple thing I never thought I’d be doing. How did I end up in a military relationship??

But once the letters started coming in and going out, it got a little better. I managed to keep myself busy somehow and the next thing I knew I was on a plane to Chicago, Illinois. For his boot camp graduation, he’d made it through and I was invited to travel all the way to watch his class ceremony. I’ve never done much traveling, much less without a family member by my side. So going with his sister and mother alone kind of scared me, I’d only barely met them once or twice and hadn’t really spent much time actually talking with them. (Later I’d grow to love them both so much, they’re both amazing people. His mother has done so much for me and him, I think she is an amazing person I wish I could be more like her for him.)

I found out Johnny was joining us as well as Braden’s mother and little sister, Braden being J’s best friend for high school who’d also joined the Navy at the same time. J and Braden had been in the same class group, so that was pretty cool. I got to meet Braden’s little sister, Hannah. We had a pretty good time in Chicago, even went ice skating (I am not a fan!).

From there both J and Braden were sent to a program in South Carolina, where they spent almost a full year. Braden ended up being sent to another place, he was pretty happy to be there. 

8 months ago J finished the first part of the school, so I flew over with his mom and stayed after she left. From there he went into the second part, which he’d graduate from July 7th, 2017. I have to say that I’m so proud of him, I know I never would have been able to do what he did.

Looking back now.... We started dating a week before he left to boot camp, some people thought I was crazy. For a while, I secretly wondered if they were all right and maybe I was crazy. He could cheat on me, with all those ladies who chase men in uniforms... But two years later, no regrets and still as happy as ever. I couldn’t be happier, even though he had to leave for now. I can’t wait to see him again, I plan on making that happen soon. We’ve had our ups and downs, but all together we can make it through it.

I’ll have to write about the road trip from hell sometime, that was the trip coming home having to move all our stuff from a small apartment here so he could go to Washington. Worst. Trip. Ever.

Altogether things worked out, we made it home, and now he’s half way to Washington. We’ll see how this blog thing works out for me.

P.s. to any military girlfriend, wife, boyfriend, or husband out there reading this: Please stay strong, I know its hard but it’s well worth it.

-I am a Navy girlfriend and I am so proud of my sailor