#kpop and gaming wasnt enough entertainment for me

[a-rain-atherapy]

so i recently got validation and reassurance on something that had been (and still kinda is) bothering me, suffocating me for the last three years... and it feels like both a metric ton of weight got lifted off me and like i swallowed a giant ton of molten-cooling lava

for the last three years id be lying in bed and then the depression negative thoughts would come flyin in my mind, esp around times when i was super stressed or worried or had like a bunch of shit backed up with looming deadlines, and the one thought that would always stand out to me was

‘Am I making you (my parents/family) proud of me?’

and the urge, the need to call and ask for validation was so strong i had my phone in my hands with my finger kinda hovering over the call button several times.

but it was usually anywhere between 3-6AM and even though theyve told me multiple times that they dont mind me calling them in the middle of the night for something , i still felt bad and didnt. id turn my phone off and put it down and just lie in bed until i passed out somehow or try to distract myself with my phone games until it got to the ‘i need to go to sleep now to be functional’ time and then fill my head of nonsense and entertainment shit i absorbed until i passed out somehow (who knows how falling asleep works i would love to knock out as soon as i touch the pillow but no. gotta lie around for half an hour almost unconscious but then gotta change position cuz the last one got uncomfortable suddenly or its too hot or w/e)

so this kind of mental tug of war kept happening and i never told anyone because why would i? that would be admitting to my feelings and i couldnt do that without taking the time to understand why i have these feelings and where they came from and that would 1) take a lot of time and 2) make me fucking emotional and cry. neither of which i could afford in college so i put it aside and never acknowledged them like the unhealthy coping mech it is. (still actually havent had a good self maintenance yet)

it was the worst senior year. i stopped taking my medication (with the hesitant ok of the psychiatrist) and things were ok for a bit and then it tanked and just kept falling and i didnt do anything except take my hands off the wheel and just watched myself falling. classes? skipped. meals? instant/super quick unhealthy shit or order-in. energy? barely. motivation? absolutely none. 

everything was tiring and too much and i essentially shut down during the last half-year of school beause it was just Too Much and i couldnt cope well enough. big shoutout to my homie roommates who were pretty supportive of my lazy lifestyle and supported my random super blaze passions including kpop and gaming.

but yea about a week ago woke up early for my ddads bday to make him an omelette as per his request which was then postponed till lunch but meh. had a chat with the mother about something i cant really recall but it somehow spiralled into me talking about my motivations and how i didnt really have any. going back to that one mean teacher of mine in 6th grade who made us write out our goals and hopes for the school year before/during/after the year and me being a simple child who just came to school day by day and did things day by day without really caring much about antyhing else wrote N/A on all 3 boxes because it was true. i didnt come to school with goals for learning anything because it was school? i didnt know what i was gonna learn? and i didnt really have anything that i wanted to learn? so no goals???? and she saw it and was all ‘this is impossible your’re lying’ or somethin. point is she made me take it back home, had my parents read and sign it ( my no goals) and change it to tell the truth. i wrote some bs i dont recall and handed it bakc with my parents signature (i dont think they really understood? and i dont think my teacher really looked at it again after that>?? so???? why bother???????) 

and my mom was all ‘yeah ok what about now though? are u ok with what u are now?’ and im all ‘yea i think im ok’ 

she asked me’ what about u is ok?’ like clearly shes fishin for some answer- my weight/hygeine/social abilitity whatever i guess

‘well im not dead right?’ was my reply no hesitation. and as u can geuss it, her response was ‘why is that ur first repsonse?’ and honestly i dont know? its true though? im not dead and thats ok. im decent i can still move i can eat if i want to, im not struggling as bad as i could be, so isnt that ok? theres nothign especially great or bad in my life right now so i guess im just ok. im middle grounding like i have for my entire life. and thats ok to me for now.

which prompted her responses+my dads that you know, i graduated college in 4 years thats an acoomplishment i should be proud of that because not even dad did it in 4 (it was 5) 

and then out of left field she comes in with the ‘im proud of you for that’, ‘im reallyt proud of you’ and it hit me like an emotional runaway train of feels. the validation that i had been wanting to hear for the last three years, just kinda thrown out there casually in conversation like it was a compliment. like a ‘oh ur hair looks nice this way’ or ‘you cooked dinner really nicely today’  it made me emotional enough to cry a bit, like the silent 1-2 tears, is still making me emotional remembering it. 

like truly. thank you for being proud of me, for barely dragginb myself through this last obstacle and for giving me a respite before i start tryin the next obstacle that is a fuckin job. im sorry if i made you worry about me before and im sorry for giving you stress about my stress too. 

(but what if she just said it but not really meant it? what if she lied? the way it was said was so casual what if she didnt really mean it? but the thing about validation is that i cant keep requesting it-it doesnt work that way. the first few times is ok but then at what point, what number of repetitions does the ‘Request validation’ button stop working properly? if at all? i think thats how i lost a friend in 7th grade, i asked her too many times if we were friends and she kinda gently? blew up on me and we havent talked since, so>????)

its not like theyll ever see this and im not really a personal feelings sharing kind of person so i dont think that ill tell them this either but its nice to get all my feelings out there. 

[milo-gin]

soft bias tag

tagged by @sugas-kookies thanks (imissyou)

❦ Who is your bias?

The man in my profile photo and his many sides and endeavours. Min Yoongi/Suga/PD/AGUST D

❦ What made you notice them?

Well, since I like talking I’ll write the entire story. One day (this is a pun and you’ll see why) I was watching art videos and ran into this amazing fanart of a guy with white hair and it said “AGUST D SPEEDPAINT” since I had a thing for white haired characters I gave it a go, without knowing it was KPOP related because as no one knows I despised kpop and their fandoms A LOT, moving on though, I went along and watched the entire thing and I after watching @auriee video more than 10 times I started to accept the fact that I REALLY LIKE THAT SONG AND I HAD TO KNOW THE MAN BEHIND IT. When I saw him maaaaan I fell, and as plus I was trying to get into rap a little more because I was in need of new music so this one fit the glove perfectly, then I procedeed to slowly tap the waters and listened to his other MV, after that I started reading the comments to see where could I download that mixtape, and found it on twitter...This wasnt enough though so I was like I need m o r e  music from him, and later on found out he was in a KPOP band and was like....NOPE...But slowly my curiousity and love for his outstanding talent go the better of me... So I explored this so called “BTS” and tried many songs didnt like any of them they were too hyped to get into them as a first, but then I found love of my life ONE DAY lol As a funny side note I later on discovered that it was almost meant to be I had both photos of him and Taehyung as hot guys I wanted to draw, the selca I’d saved was the following

So yeah....that’s my story LOL ❦ What’s your favorite thing about them?

I love that he speaks his mind, maybe because that’s a quality I lack also I love that he’s shy and aloof. That’s always been kind of the guys that I like physically they always have this coldness to them, but in reality they’re always the kindest people, and this is without a doubt the case with him too. He’s just such a nice and talented human. I admire him a lot, he’s such an inspirational soul.

❦ Who would initiate skinship more?

I think me if the scenario was perfect then we’d probably known each other for quite some time so i think I would be the one to make things happen since Im more of an acting kind than talking irl

❦ Who would hog blankets more?

i feel like because of the way I am I’d let him hog the blanket haha and get another one for myself so that he feels comfortable

❦ Who would be more clingy?

neither? I’m not clingy and yoongi doesn’t seem like he’s too clingy either

❦ Who would say ‘l love you’ first?

Damn...maybe me cuz I get attached super fast, and I am in a sort of “no ragrets” run so if I like, love, feel anything for someone I tell them. I now speak my mind more so than I ever did before cuz I learned the hard way that sometimes it’s better to ask for forgiveness than permission as we say in spanish

❦ Who would be more easily flustered?

I think he’d pretend not to get flustered lol but he’d definitely get more flustered...depending on the situation also cuz I am very aloof about many things mostly when it comes to detaching myself from others 

❦ What cuddling position would you two have?

Not to be that person, but I’m a scorpio venus and moon...so maybe id be big spoon because i love babying the shit out of people, and I recently found out I love being big spoon, adding up Im a cancer mars so yeah there you go that’s why I like giving more than receiving

❦ Which colours remind you of them and why?

I think of blue idk why but that’s the color I associate with him, teals, and cold colors maybe the shade pigment too...basically dark and cold spectrum colors

❦ Which season would you like to spend with them?

I have no idea, but I think he doesnt function well in warm weather so summer is out of the table lol cuz he kinda doesnt like it. So maybe Winter or something that’s very chill not too cold or hot...balanced weather I guess that would be Spring

❦ Who would bake the cookies and who would steal the batter?

I dont bake lol so he’ll do it. I’ll be stealing

❦ Which one of you would make bad puns and how would the other react?

i’m a libra, end of the story. We make a lot of puns, i like puns if you dont like them we cant be friends

❦ Who would want to adopt 50 dogs and cats?

Hmm seeing how he loves Holly i’ll convince him somehow and we’ll end up doing it haha

❦ Which one of you would nearly burn the down the kitchen to try to microwave a pop tart and who would come to rescue?

me...I always burn stuff while cooking. Im sorry, im a poor excuse of a woman

❦ Who likes to lean over tall railings and who pulls them back?

I fear heights so...maybe none of us. I dont know him lol so I wouldnt know how he’d act on this one

❦ What would watching a horror film with them be like?

I dont think he’d watch a scary film, he’s said he doesnt like them so he avoids them and he seems like the stubborn type when it comes to things he likes to do which is why he always says that he wants to be with someone that is very similar to himself. So i cant imagine it sorry. I just dont think it could work

❦ Who would be the cheesy flirt and who would be the smooth flirt?

I think he’d be the cheesy flirt hahahhaa he’s a softie and he’s sometimes very impulsive from what i’ve picked up so he’d do it and regret it immediately. I know that I am very smooth as a flirter cuz I just ignore people i like o _ o ) but jokes aside in a comfortable situation I am very smooth

❦ Who is more competitive?

hmmm i think none of us haha i dont think things are worth fighting about when they’re not serious like games, sports, all those things I take them as entertainment and I want to take out stress. If I take it seriously and compete ill stress out which is missing the point of the whole thing.  Given the way he’s with music I think he’d end up competing and ill be like “meh” ahaha but on the inside id be like “i dont wanna play anymore cuz i keep losing” 

❦ Who would have to be given constant reminders (remember to eat, don’t forget your keys, etc.)

MEEEE lol I hate that shit. It’s my “pet peeve” it gets under my skin, I hate being told what to do when I know I have to do it.

❦ Who sends memes and who sees cute ‘I miss you’ texts at 3am?

I get cheesy at 3 am and im usually awake very late so I’d send the “I miss you” text and he’d respond with a meme of his face like

I think he’d do that cuz he likes acting all cool and stuff, but inside he’d be dying when told someone missed him (maybe like ive said I wish i knew him but I can only speculate from what I’ve picked up on his lives and stuff they’ve done for us to be a little more “public”) I’ll tag: @jin-sin @billiethebean @chiminichichi @lukello (idk if youll do this cuz i know how you see your boo) @hobislobster @gaypopped @daegutown @its-suga-sweet @jungkookiimonster @sugaa @anaevilbanana