#press f for repsect

[a-rain-atherapy]

so i recently got validation and reassurance on something that had been (and still kinda is) bothering me, suffocating me for the last three years... and it feels like both a metric ton of weight got lifted off me and like i swallowed a giant ton of molten-cooling lava

for the last three years id be lying in bed and then the depression negative thoughts would come flyin in my mind, esp around times when i was super stressed or worried or had like a bunch of shit backed up with looming deadlines, and the one thought that would always stand out to me was

‘Am I making you (my parents/family) proud of me?’

and the urge, the need to call and ask for validation was so strong i had my phone in my hands with my finger kinda hovering over the call button several times.

but it was usually anywhere between 3-6AM and even though theyve told me multiple times that they dont mind me calling them in the middle of the night for something , i still felt bad and didnt. id turn my phone off and put it down and just lie in bed until i passed out somehow or try to distract myself with my phone games until it got to the ‘i need to go to sleep now to be functional’ time and then fill my head of nonsense and entertainment shit i absorbed until i passed out somehow (who knows how falling asleep works i would love to knock out as soon as i touch the pillow but no. gotta lie around for half an hour almost unconscious but then gotta change position cuz the last one got uncomfortable suddenly or its too hot or w/e)

so this kind of mental tug of war kept happening and i never told anyone because why would i? that would be admitting to my feelings and i couldnt do that without taking the time to understand why i have these feelings and where they came from and that would 1) take a lot of time and 2) make me fucking emotional and cry. neither of which i could afford in college so i put it aside and never acknowledged them like the unhealthy coping mech it is. (still actually havent had a good self maintenance yet)

it was the worst senior year. i stopped taking my medication (with the hesitant ok of the psychiatrist) and things were ok for a bit and then it tanked and just kept falling and i didnt do anything except take my hands off the wheel and just watched myself falling. classes? skipped. meals? instant/super quick unhealthy shit or order-in. energy? barely. motivation? absolutely none. 

everything was tiring and too much and i essentially shut down during the last half-year of school beause it was just Too Much and i couldnt cope well enough. big shoutout to my homie roommates who were pretty supportive of my lazy lifestyle and supported my random super blaze passions including kpop and gaming.

but yea about a week ago woke up early for my ddads bday to make him an omelette as per his request which was then postponed till lunch but meh. had a chat with the mother about something i cant really recall but it somehow spiralled into me talking about my motivations and how i didnt really have any. going back to that one mean teacher of mine in 6th grade who made us write out our goals and hopes for the school year before/during/after the year and me being a simple child who just came to school day by day and did things day by day without really caring much about antyhing else wrote N/A on all 3 boxes because it was true. i didnt come to school with goals for learning anything because it was school? i didnt know what i was gonna learn? and i didnt really have anything that i wanted to learn? so no goals???? and she saw it and was all ‘this is impossible your’re lying’ or somethin. point is she made me take it back home, had my parents read and sign it ( my no goals) and change it to tell the truth. i wrote some bs i dont recall and handed it bakc with my parents signature (i dont think they really understood? and i dont think my teacher really looked at it again after that>?? so???? why bother???????) 

and my mom was all ‘yeah ok what about now though? are u ok with what u are now?’ and im all ‘yea i think im ok’ 

she asked me’ what about u is ok?’ like clearly shes fishin for some answer- my weight/hygeine/social abilitity whatever i guess

‘well im not dead right?’ was my reply no hesitation. and as u can geuss it, her response was ‘why is that ur first repsonse?’ and honestly i dont know? its true though? im not dead and thats ok. im decent i can still move i can eat if i want to, im not struggling as bad as i could be, so isnt that ok? theres nothign especially great or bad in my life right now so i guess im just ok. im middle grounding like i have for my entire life. and thats ok to me for now.

which prompted her responses+my dads that you know, i graduated college in 4 years thats an acoomplishment i should be proud of that because not even dad did it in 4 (it was 5) 

and then out of left field she comes in with the ‘im proud of you for that’, ‘im reallyt proud of you’ and it hit me like an emotional runaway train of feels. the validation that i had been wanting to hear for the last three years, just kinda thrown out there casually in conversation like it was a compliment. like a ‘oh ur hair looks nice this way’ or ‘you cooked dinner really nicely today’  it made me emotional enough to cry a bit, like the silent 1-2 tears, is still making me emotional remembering it. 

like truly. thank you for being proud of me, for barely dragginb myself through this last obstacle and for giving me a respite before i start tryin the next obstacle that is a fuckin job. im sorry if i made you worry about me before and im sorry for giving you stress about my stress too. 

(but what if she just said it but not really meant it? what if she lied? the way it was said was so casual what if she didnt really mean it? but the thing about validation is that i cant keep requesting it-it doesnt work that way. the first few times is ok but then at what point, what number of repetitions does the ‘Request validation’ button stop working properly? if at all? i think thats how i lost a friend in 7th grade, i asked her too many times if we were friends and she kinda gently? blew up on me and we havent talked since, so>????)

its not like theyll ever see this and im not really a personal feelings sharing kind of person so i dont think that ill tell them this either but its nice to get all my feelings out there. 

[cuteiemonster]

i tried to do my homework in the morning like a good kid but i cant find the homework

[pamesjatterson]

jack help ive reached post limit and it's only 7:45 at night

Hear ye, hear ye! On this day, one third of February, our dear Elsie has hit post limit. Press F to pay repsects 😔😔

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[your-fave-is-bi]

@jim-activated19940216 replied to your post: yknow when u grab a flavored beer out of the...

rip

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[ultramaskedhooligan1]

RIP to one of my favorite households, I had to delete everything and reinstall the game~ 

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[jawnkeets]

1, 12, 14 &19 :)

from this post

1. if someone wanted to really understand you, what would they read, watch, and listen to?

ok will doubtless miss stuff but

read: t.s. eliot (esp prufrock, the waste land and preludes), f. scott fitzgerald (esp the great gatsby, but this side of paradise and the beautiful and the damned both also massive affected me), philip larkin (it is exceptionally difficult to choose specific poems as he may be my favourite poet of all time, but high windows and an arundel tomb changed my life), virginia woolf (mrs dalloway especially but also to the lighthouse), sand and foam - kahlil gibran, william blake (esp songs of innocence and experience ofc), rainer maria rilke (again, literally anything by rilke, but sunset was my first ever favourite poem when i was 9 or 10 and letters to a young poet is stunning and completely beyond description. edward snow’s translation of the book of hours is also beautiful), as i walked out one evening - w. h. auden (i think i was maybe 10 or 11 when i first read this poem, and it contained my first ever favourite stanza: ‘o stand, stand at the window / as the tears scald and start; / you shall love your crooked neighbour / with your crooked heart.’), jerusalem – jez butterworth, raymond carver (esp cathedral, why don’t you dance?, and i could see the smallest things), 1984 – george orwell, the strange case of dr jekyll and mr hyde - robert louis stevenson, oscar wilde (esp the picture of dorian gray and de profundis, which near ruined me but it’s also one of the most moving pieces of writing i’ve ever had the privilege to read. the importance of being earnest and an ideal husband as well), the rime of the ancient mariner – coleridge, to his coy mistress – marvell, to the virgins – herrick, the road not taken and stopping by woods on a snowy evening – robert frost, somewhere i have never travelled,gladly beyond and [i carry your heart with me(i carry it in] – e. e. cummings, percy shelley (esp one word is too often profaned), franz kafka (esp the metamorphosis), the raven – edgar allan poe, frankenstein – mary shelley, keats (esp ode to a nightingale - !!!!!!! - but also ode on a grecian urn, la belle dame sans merci, bright star…)

watch: bright star, wilde (1997), the forever dolphin love music video, these videos have been hugely influential on me this year, i hugely repsect artaud and theatre of cruelty (wish i’d seen this live), a production of jez butterworth’s jerusalem, any wilde play, berkoff’s the metamorphosis and the trial. also tangled and the hunchback of notre dame (disney version) lol. i’m pretty out of ideas tbh i don’t rly watch much tv/ youtube/ netflix etc. i like most kinds of theatre tho

listen to (not necessarily my favourite songs/ artists, but these have all had a huge influence on me at some point in my life and a few hav stories behind them): ms – alt-j, minipops 67 [120.2] [source field mix] – aphex twin, chopin’s nocturnes, bloc party (especially this modern love, positive tension, uniform, signs, ion square and eden), jesus christ – brand new, connan mockasin (esp megumi the milkyway above, faking jazz together and forever dolphin love (inc the music video)), crystal castles (esp enth and insulin and concrete and fleece and sadist), diiv (esp doused, oshin (subsume), and valentine), oh devil – electric guest, one more robot / sympathy 3000-21 – the flaming lips, foals (esp hummer, alabaster, 2 trees, spanish sahara and what went down), grimes (esp kill v. maim, venus fly, go, genesis, world

12. dog person or cat person?

cat person if i had 2 pick but i also love dogs!!!

14. are you a musician?

i’m grade 8 cello but haven’t played v much this year unfortunately bc after i did all the grades a levels, deadlines, learning to drive etc became more pressing and urgent and i’ve also been focusing as much time as i can on lit. additionally i play piano and self-taught guitar, and used to write songs and perform covers but not so much anymore, i prefer poetry lol. so in short my musicianship’s a little dusty

19. which Harry Potter house would you be in? or are you a muggle?

ravenclaw my dudes!!!

thank u so much for sending anon :+) sorry abt the length of the answer