#lab fails

[thelighthousemp3]

it took me an hour and a half to calibrate three pipettes and i hate everything

[melinoelabs]

Dear Sirs.

SCP-682's powers are metatextual. He's unkillable because the story says he is nearly unkillable and no solution would be satisfying. His nickname is 'the very hard to destroy reptile' for rigour's sake. You don't have to be Grant Morrison to put this together.

The solution is to alter the narrative so that there is a means of killing him that is satisfying. Unfortunately, only full-on apocalypse scenarios or the use of SCP-682 as a jobber for an even worse threat would fill that criteria.

So unless you want to unleash something even more tiresome, like the Black Moon or the Scarlet King or the Yellow Submarine or whatever other color-coded doomsday monster you have on tap, you're just wasting jumpsuit filling doing anything at all.

The easy alternative is to simply stop trying to kill him.

Just focus on holding him in the most boring, routine ways possible, rendering him increasingly less interesting and thus reducing the time between stories focused on him and thus, the resulting breaches and disasters.

Or you can do what we did. If you aren't chicken.

Ours wasn't a rotted lizard. It was a sort of mummified horse the size of a 1996 Volkswagen Harlequin, and it was a she, but otherwise same deal. Regeneration. Vat of acid. Mass casualties. Violent opposition to the use of breath mints. Endemic to all life. Po-tay-to, po-tah-to.

We figured out the how it worked, and we speed-ran the whole concept, hurling that vile beast through a veritable plinko-fall of thousands of extermination tests and controlled rampages until there was literally nothing left to do with the 'More-Than-One-Way-to-Fail-to-Kill-a Horse'.

And we trust the populace enough to not lie to them for 'their own good'. Because its funny? Sure. Profitable? Absolutely (don't worry, shareholders!)! But never for 'their own good.'

So we turned those experiments into a 17 season reality television program hosted by Greg Kinnear and force-fed them to a sludge-hungry populace.

There were 'More-Than-One-Way-to-Fail-to-Kill-a Horse' calendars, coffee mugs, t-shirts, two different animated spin-offs running at the same time for some reason, four movies starring Chris Pratt as the voice of the horse, an ongoing sketch on Late Night with Conan O'Brien, 'More-Than-One-Way-to-Fail-to-Kill-a Horse' "acid bath" sour candy flavored yogurt in a tube, a series of increasingly inadequately playtested gameboy cartridges, a 27-issue limited series from Image comics, and adorable plush mummified murder-horse plushes with little suction cups on their red-felt hooves so they can stare balefully out the back of your station wagon at that ASSHOLE Kevin in his souped up Trans AM who does not understand the concept of a safe following distance, and you JUST want to run him off the road with the magno-lifters and recreate the scene from Lost Highway with Robert Loggia, but "you can't use the magno-lifters for revenge" because it's "against OSHA regulations" and "technically assault!"

And once the first shipment of 'More-Than-One-Way-to-Fail-to-Kill-a Horse' Funko Pops hit store shelves, the creature's cultural cache cratered so hard that it became a parody of itself so predictable it's "containment" is now a Universal Studios attraction with two failed executions and a containment breach each night, with double shows on Saturdays.

Now, it was a rocky ride getting there, especially for Utah (projections say you'll get those House seats back in two, maybe three, generations at most, don't you worry!) but we've proven that even if it isn't killable, you can, in fact, beat a dead horse.

Hope this helps.

Humbert, Outreach Liaison Melinoë Laboratories "Hoc non veniet ad nos mordax"

[bane-of-technology]

Hey gang? Maybe let's sit on this concept a little more, figure out the ethical minutiae

OF COURSE THEY PUT IN A SUBSCRIPTION MODEL

[swan2swan]

Brooklynn actually trying to push Soyona to do the Right Thing, step by step, and failing, but not persisting and just putting her down at the end...it's important to me.

[blackthxrntree]

oh doctor odyssey that is not a centrifuge of any capability why is it open and the rpms are not nearly enough

[slavhew]

only took me 3 years and 1 month to draw a single viktor i liked

[muskystarz]

tally hall is like such an odd band but thanks for the haiku come back off your hiatus pls

[galescafe]

i’m the stupidest person in the entire chemistry department until i step into a lab at which point i somehow become the most competent

[viktorarcanedeservesbetter]

How far do you think Heimerdinger got before he realized Viktor probably didn't lock up and instead headed to Jayce?

Heimerdinger, walking home, thinking Viktor might be up to something and remembering this was the way Viktor was looking at Jayce during his trial:

He's known Viktor a long time. He knows that's Viktor's "I have an idea" face.

he probably booked it back to the academy lmao

[clonerightsagenda]

I did not fully appreciate Mary Malone when I was a kid. She quit being a nun, which probably lost her her entire support network and possibly family. She's a single woman in the 90s with a PhD working in theoretical physics. She tells a guy who offers her military funding to fuck off. She's immediately ride or die for a random 12 year old who shows up in her lab, says she's from another universe, and solves all her problems by giving her new worse problems. She truly embraces the ethos of "if it sucks hit the bricks" and spends the entire third book chilling doing experimental xenoanthropology and having a lovely time. She is probably going to be flat broke when she gets home.

[red-garden]

Incredibly sexy when a character takes a gendered title that's the opposite of their gender. Looking at you Emperor Edelgard Von Hresvelg.

they could never make me hate you girl

[2-faded-memory-2]

i may be 3 days into my pathologic run but by god i can still draw fanart

[yksolariez]

Can u draw mello and near cosplaying?

Near = Madoka

Mello = Homura

Ty btw if u read that or smth💔

hi anon!!!! thank u for this ask it was fun to do :)))

[etanow]

Currently obsessing over this AU. Quick question, if you can answer it: is Kaufmo a shape shifter in this AU? Or is he just huge by default?

Hims a big boi

[sepiamestus]

(narrator voice) He could not, in fact, fix him

[invinciblevalentine]

hojo pisses me tf off. Like yeah yeah human rights violations unethical science blah blah blah HAVE WE CONSIDERED THE DAMAGE HE’S BEEN DOING TO THE FF7 SCIENTIFIC COMMUNITY????

Listen he’d be a morally grey character if his work led to reproducible results that could benefit the rest of humanity but GOOD GAIA does he not even do that.

his sample sizes are SHIT. his experimental design is SHIT. his documentation is SHIT. his biases are VISIBLE. I’m astral projecting into the ff7 universe just to strangle this man and take away whatever diploma he got bc clearly he hired someone to do his PhD for him.

AND HE INSPIRED SO MANY TO FOLLOW IN HIS SHITTY SHITTY FOOTSTEPS. like the only two things we could even marginally call reproducible is his work in making the SOLDIER program and Fuhitos attempt to replicate it with his RAVENs. and even then there were no improvements on the procedure or attempts to create a procedure that left the patients in better health.

which is a CRIMINALLY STUPID THING TO DO TO YOUR GIANT SUPER SOLDIER ARMY. WYM THAT INSANITY IS JUST A POSSIBLE SIDE EFFECT?????

an argument could be made that we just don’t SEE hojos documentation and shit bc we’re playing through the eyes of people who don’t know all that shit.

HOWEVER. if hojo was actually doing any of that he’d have spotted the degradation problem in his animal models first.

BECAUSE WHO THE FUCK JUMPS YO HUMAN SUBJECTS??? ITS NOT JUST UNETHICAL ITS EXTREMWLY EXPENSIVE TO MAINTAIN THE WELLBEING OF AND ACQUIRE A WHOLE HUMAN PERSON.

if he’d started with, like, mouse models to demonstrate how mako treatments affect mammals, he’d have gotten so much more work done and achieved more reliable results. WITH A FRACTION OF THE COST.

BUT NOOOOOOOOOO. APPARENTLY SHINRA SHITS MONEY SO WHO CARES ABOUT SAMPLE SIZES AND STATISTICAL TESTS AND REPRODUCIBLE RESULTS!!

HOJO IS A HACK AND A FRAUD AND A SHIT SCIENTIST TO BOOT. WATCH YOUR BACK BITCH YOUVE HOED YOUR LAST JO.