#later that day inej yelled at kaz for 20 minutes

[iunderstoodthatreference7]

meanwhile at the slat

jesper: *actively bleeding* OH MY SAINTS I GOT SHOT

inej: Wylan! Get a medik!

kaz: i’ve been shot before and i didnt bitch about it

[writinginstardust]

Love Me Not?

Pairing: Kaz Brekker x reader

Request: @x-avantgarde-x asked “Oh, hi! I wanted to request a Kaz X fem reader six of crows oneshot. After having broke up with Inej long ago Kaz and the reader start to build a relationship together, but Inej and Kaz remain having an amazing relationship, and whenever Inej is at Ketterdam they spent a lot of time together. This makes the reader really insecure and self conscious, and eventually Kaz and her have a conversation where she ends up opening to him.”

Warnings: minor injury

A/N: took a bit longer than planned due to a variety of reasons i’m not going into but here it is. it’s set several years after the end of Crooked Kingdom fyi. hope you like it darling! :)

Word Count: 2730

*

They'd broken up. They hadn't worked together. They weren't in love anymore. These were all things I knew but all certainties I struggled to believe as I watched Kaz and Inej embrace on the docks. They looked happy, so damn happy to see each other again after Inej had been away at sea for so long, and I felt an unpleasant tugging sensation in my stomach. I knew exactly what that tug was but it was ridiculous and i refused to name it. I wasn't even sure I had any right to feel it.

Kaz and I had never given a name to our relationship but we were more than just friends, much more. At least, I'd thought we were. Maybe he wasn't really over Inej even after almost two years. Maybe I'd read too much into every interaction and kind word. Maybe it was always meant to be Kaz and Inej not Kaz and me. Maybe that's why he'd never kissed me.

I pushed down my doubts as they walked towards me, arms slung around each other comfortably. It was a strange sight to see. When they'd broken up Kaz had still been somewhat uncomfortable with affection and contact. He could do it, I'd seen him and Inej hug and kiss and hold hands enough to know, but it hadn't felt natural for him. Seeing the ease compared to the last time they'd been this close was jarring. Knowing much of it had been thanks to my help wasn't an entirely pleasant feeling.

I plastered a smile on my face as they finally reached me and Inej pulled me into a hug. There was so much comfort in that embrace and it eased the ugly emotions clawing at my heart. She was one of my closest friends and i wasn't going to let anything spoil our reunion. Not the wind in the harbour chilling me to my bones, not the lingering stench in the air from who knows what, and certainly not my own insecurities.

“(Y/N), it's so good to see you! It's been too long. I can't believe I missed you by one day last time I came back.”

“I know, it's been far too long. I've missed you.”

“I've missed you too. We need to catch up tonight when we're done with whatever Kaz is dragging me off to do.” Well that was new information. He'd told me nothing about any plans with Inej so presumably I wasn't invited. It hurt to say the least.

“Absolutely, and none of the boys are allowed to join us. I need a break from them all.”

“I bet you do. The offer to join the crew still stands you know.”

“It is tempting sometimes but I'm not cut out for life at sea.”

“I'd have thought a little seasickness is easier to put up with than Mr. Grump over here.”

“I am not grumpy.” Kaz interjected with an eye roll.

“We weren't asking you. Anyway, let's get going, I need to get away from whatever this stench is.”

Inej kept us busy with stories from her latest voyage as we walked through the streets of the barrel and I had to admit I was a little in awe of all the things her and her crew had achieved. I could definitely understand why Kaz might still have feelings for her and I wished I could be anywhere close to how amazing she was.

When we reached the Slat I said my goodbyes and got a wave and smile from each of them before they dived right back into conversation, almost as if they'd immediately forgotten about me. Rather than going straight inside I watched them continue on their way for a bit. They were laughing and joking and touching each other casually. It was like they'd never even broken up.

With a defeated sigh I opened the door and walked into the chaos of the Slat. Someone, by the looks of things, had decided to start a fight. Whether it was amongst the members of the Dregs or someone from another gang had come to start shit with us, I didn't know. I just knew I was so not in the mood for it. I very nearly left them to it, they'd give up eventually, but they'd already caused enough damage and Kaz might kill me for letting them get away with it.

An elbow caught me in the stomach and a second in the eye and my my bad mood overflowed. I climbed onto one of the tables that had yet to be broken, an unloaded pistol in hand, and let off a couple of shots. Everyone quickly stopped in their tracks at the sound.

“Alright you rotten lot, I don't know what the fuck you think you're doing but you better knock it off right now!” I yelled, fixing them all with my deadliest glare. It rivalled some of Kaz's and I was very proud of it. “I don't give a shit who started this or why, Kaz and I will deal with that later, but you are all going to clean this mess up now. If it's not done by the time Kaz is back there will be hell to pay for all of you.” I moved to climb off the table and a few of the guys started to protest. “Don't start. I am not in the mood to deal with all of you today so if you want to keep your teeth shut up and get to work.”

I stormed off through the crowd, slightly pleased that everyone moved out of my way with no prompting, and headed up the stairs. I was more than ready for a nap. I paused half way and looked back down at where everyone had, thankfully, started to clear up.

“Oh one more thing,” I yelled down, everyone immediately turning their heads to look at me. “Keep the noise down. Wake me up and I might just kill you.”

*

It was long past dinner when I woke up, the protests of my empty stomach finally becoming impossible to ignore. I was a little surprised no one had woke me earlier, and by someone I meant Kaz. Then I remembered. Inej. Clearly they were still out doing who knows what. A stab of hurt and irritation hit me but I wisely chose to ignore it in favour of finding something to eat.

I found Jesper and Wylan in the Slat when I headed downstairs and did a double take. It was a rare occasion that they came around here anymore.

“(Y/N), hi!” Wylan grinned and waved when he saw me walking over.

“What're you doing here? I thought you'd be out with Kaz and Inej. We've been waiting for you all to get back.” Jesper gave me a quick hug and pulled up a chair for me.

“Thanks. Honestly, I've got no idea where those two are, they went off somewhere after we met Inej at the harbour.”

“You didn't go with them?” Wylan seemed surprised.

“I wasn't invited.” I shrugged, pushing down the hurt that tried to force its way up, and changed the subject to something much more important. “Have you guys eaten yet? I'm starving.”

“We haven't, you want to go get something?”

“Please.”

We left the overcrowded Slat and headed to one of Wylan's favourite restaurants, one I normally wouldn't be able to afford but wished I could. It was handy having a rich Merch friend sometimes.

I felt my mouth watering the second the scent of food met my nose and I couldn't wait to try whatever was making it. My appetite left suddenly, however, and was replaced by nausea when we entered. Kaz and Inej sat in a secluded corner eating and laughing and generally looking every bit the couple they'd once been, though admittedly a little fancier.

“I'm...I'm just...going to go. You two have a nice time.” I couldn't tear my eyes away from Kaz and Inej as I said goodbye to the boys and hurried away before I embarrassed myself doing something stupid like crying.

I went straight to my favourite waffle place and ordered my ‘I'm sad’ size stack which I drowned in syrup. That was where Kaz found me 20 minutes later. How, I wasn't sure, but I suspected Wylan or Jesper had picked up my feelings more than I'd intended.

“I wasn't aware you'd turned into Nina since this morning, should I be concerned about you stopping my heart anytime soon?” His voice came from behind me but I couldn't bring myself to turn and look at Kaz right then. Really I just wanted to be left alone but of course I wasn't going to get what I wanted.

“If only. Don't worry, you're safe from that particular end.”

“Good.” He walked to the other side of the table and sat down facing me, a concern so rarely seen written on his face. “Who gave you that?” His voice had hardened as he caught sight of the bruise blossoming around my eye.

“I don't know. They were having a fight in the Slat earlier and I got caught a couple of times before I could put an end to it.”

“Are you alright?” He reached out to brush his thumb over the injured patch of skin and I winced slightly before giving him a quizzical look.

“I'm fine, I've had worse. When did you become such a mother hen?”

“I haven't, I wouldn't care about pretty much anyone else.”

“I'm surprised you care so much about me.”

“Of course I care about you, why do you think I wouldn't?” He seemed genuinely surprised and a little bit hurt at what I thought. I didn't have an answer for him so I remained silent but that only seemed to concern him more. “(Y/N), you know how much you mean to me.”

“Do I though Kaz?”

It was his turn to be silent this time, unsure with how to proceed. He was far from the best at talking about feelings and this conversation was clearly tough for him. In the past I'd take pity and brush it off, change the subject and leave whatever it was unresolved but doing so was the problem, the reason this talk was even happening. I was tired of being uncertain and tired of letting Kaz not deal with his shit, we weren't kids anymore and this time we were going to talk it out.

“Do I?” I asked again. “Because as far as I can see I mean no more to you than Jesper or Wylan or anyone else you call a friend, even though your uncharacteristic worry right now would say otherwise.” I paused for a second, this was the tricky bit to actually vocalise. “I'm no one special, to you or anyone, not like Inej. She's amazing and talented and just so much better than I could ever be. I know I'm useful and one of only a handful of people you trust but I also know I'm replaceable. So I'm wondering why exactly you seem to care so much. Why you seem to care at all.”

He was silent for a little while longer, seemingly frozen by some emotion I couldn't figure out. I took a few more bites of my waffles while I waited for a reply.

“Is that how you really feel?” I nodded and he buried his head in his hands with a muffled curse. “(Y/N)..., none of that is true. None of it. You're not replaceable, you're so special and you mean more to me than anyone. I wouldn't be the man I am without you, surely you know that?”

“I know I've helped you a lot but anyone could ha-”

“No. There's no one else who could've done what you did, and some people did try. You're the only one I trusted, the only one I let my walls down for, the only one who wouldn't give up on me.”

“Inej wou-”

“Do you really think any of what Inej and I had would have happened without everything you did for me?” That was probably meant to make me feel better but it didn't really. Well actually...one word did.

“Had?”

“What?” He looked taken aback for a moment but it didn't take long for him to catch on. “Is that what all this is about? You think I still have feelings for Inej?” I focused very hard on my waffles suddenly.

“Well, don't you?” Kaz sighed and muttered something about being bad at this under his breath before scooting his chair closer to me and making me look up at him.

“(Y/N), I promise you, there's nothing between us anymore. Nothing. I thought that was obvious, that my feelings for you were obvious. I guess I'm just not the best at showing it.” I was a little surprised at just how tender he was being and, as he took my hands in his own and rubbed soothing circles with his thumbs, that surprise froze me in place. “Listen, I'm sorry if I've made you feel like you're not important to me because you are. You...are the most important thing in my life and I really thought you knew that. I'll do a better job at showing it from now on.”

“So you...uh, how...do you feel...about me...exactly?” I still wasn't entirely sure and, even if I thought I had an idea, I still needed him to say it.

“Well apparently it's obvious to everyone except you, but I love you (Y/N).”

“You do?” I could feel a smile working its way onto my face but I had to be absolutely sure.

“You know, when someone says ‘I love you’ it's usually polite to say it back.” He rolled his eyes but he was smiling too. “But if you need me to say it again then yes, I love you.”

“I love you too,” I said through a grin, so happy at the unexpected twist this evening had taken. The surprises weren't over though, I realised, as Kaz hesitantly moved one of his hands to rest against my cheek and his face to within a few inches of mine. He leaned in slowly, clearly nervous and unsure, and I stayed still to let him have the control I knew he needed.

The kiss was gentle and tentative, softer than anything I'd normally associate with Kaz but all the more magical because of it. He pulled away after a moment but only barely and flicked his eyes up to mine briefly before dropping them back to my lips and closing the distance again, a little more confidently this time. It was perfect. This time when we broke apart it was from a lack of air and as I caught my breath, a question formed in my mind.

“So...if you've felt like this for a while...how come you never kissed me before?”

“I didn't want to mess it up.”

“Well you definitely didn't mess it up. I'd even go as far as to say you did good.”

“Just good?”

“We can work on it.”

“I'm okay with that. Are you alright now?”

“I am. You can go finish having dinner with Inej if you want.” And I meant it. I was okay with their close friendship now I knew how Kaz felt and that friendship is all it was.

“No, it's your turn now. She's desperate to spend some time with you and from the sounds of it I've got to go instill some fear in some of our fellow gang members.” He smiled and squeezed my hand. “Go have some fun and come see me after, I'll wait up for you.”

“Okay. I need to pay for these waffles first though.”

“Don't worry, I've got it. Now go.”

“Thanks, I'll see you later.” I gave him one last kiss and practically skipped out the door. It felt like a weight was lifted. I knew where I stood with Kaz and it was better than I'd imagined, I finally got to spend time with one of my best friends, and the man I, perhaps foolishly, loved would be right there waiting for me when I came home. Everything was just a little bit brighter now.

*

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