#learn to speak of things easy and difficult alike ❀ ask meme.

[sereneshymn]

ooc; tag dump

Fire Emblem: Radiant Dawn, Chapter 1-8: Glory Unwanted

[creatvresoftheniight]

ask meme: ❝ could you play with my hair? ❞ (erica & grace, @inxbreakableheaven​)

Keeping secrets from others ran in Erica Wright’s blood. Her mother, her father, her grandparents-- certainly her Babushka --and of course, her siblings all had their own special, little secrets that they liked to hide from not only the general public, but from one another, as well. For good reason, too. The family’s latest generation had been raised like Spartans; taught to fight, to kill, to manipulate, to be as cold-blooded as was deemed necessary when it came to growing up near the epicentre of a supernatural war. Natallia’s idea, of course. And Erica, at the very least, had learned very quickly that emotions and connections did not matter within the household, nor within their pack. No, what had mattered above all, was their unquestioning loyalty toward their Alpha, their family, their pack, their allies and their friends (in that order), as well as their unquestioning hatred for the Avery alliance.

Oh, but how inattentive all four Wrights had been that day. They had been told so many things about their supposed ‘enemies’, cruel warped lies and incorrect facts that she could only describe as propaganda. The fact that they had not only formed friendships, but deep bonds with quite a few people of similar age that they were meant to despise truly showed how much the siblings had valued those words of ‘wisdom’.

And perhaps Erica, their eldest child, the one who was supposed to be setting the right example, was the worst offender of them all. She, a woman who presented herself as a cold, unfeeling and malicious bitch, had committed the most dastardly of sins when it came to war; she had fallen in love. So deep, in fact, that she had been in an on and off again relationship with Grace Thomas for the past eight years. Two young women, both heirs to their respective factions... What had started as a rather oddly matched friendship (considering their contrasting personalities) had quickly taken a left turn into everything that could not matter, a lesson that had been all but beaten into the she-wolf and her siblings alike.

Eight years. Not months, not days-- years. There were times when she wondered where all the time had gone and how it had passed by so quickly, some when she ruminated over and over about why; why Grace had even bothered with her in the first place, why she wanted Erica of all people (because honestly, it was so very obvious that the witch could have whoever she pleased), why she’d stayed-- and others still where she could recall every single moment they had shared together, the good and the bad, treasuring each of them as if they were a piece of beautiful sea glass that the blonde had managed to get her hands on, one way or another. It likely would have made sense to have conflicting feelings about their relationship, but Erica, in her time with the witch, had learned to trust her heart over her head when it came to the other woman. Thank the Gods she had, too: she really had never felt more secure, nor more loved and valued than in belonging as entirely as she could to Grace. That, more than anything else in her life, made perfect sense.

Of course it did. Why else would she have a box containing a ring tucked away amongst her other things? Her own special little secret that she kept even from the blonde, stashed somewhere in the depths of the backpack she’d brought along with her to the Losers’ clubhouse.

The shack wasn’t the most ideal place to spend the night, that much was obvious-- the outside still looked incredibly rundown and to anyone who might have spotted it, it would seem abandoned thanks to a few spells here and there, but the interior... now, that was where the group had really shone. Fairy lights strung along the edges of the ceiling, a multipurpose couch-- hell, Marcus in his ingenuity (though it was hard for Erica to ever really compliment him), had even fixed up a TV for them to watch while also having sorted out the electricity with a little bit of magic and a portable generator --and the walls, littered with photographs, posters, artwork, anything that even slightly pertained to their rebellious gang was stashed in this little shack-- this little house they’d laid claim to so many years ago. The she-wolf knew it was dangerous-- there were piles upon piles of evidence of the countless days they’d all spent together. Evidence of their betrayal toward their respective alliances and factions. Was it reckless? Without a doubt, but none of the group cared enough to be scared, too young, stupid and high on the thrill of their secret friendships to consider the consequences, the wrath that would come down upon them if they were ever caught.

Even Erica, despite her purported wisdom, was no better than the rest; she had been craving some alone time with her lover and so had suggested that they have a little ‘adult sleepover’ at the clubhouse, refusing to inform the rest of the gang about their (hopefully) romantic rendezvous. They all knew well enough that the two were together; the Losers were the only folks in town with whom their secret could be kept, neither party having to pretend the other was a stranger or enemy, and both definitively able, should they wish, to truly be and act like the couple that they had been for so very long, now. She’d made an effort for this to be special, too: she’d made some dinner and packed it up, bought some drinks, pulled out a couple of their favourite movies should they feel like watching one, and in no time at all, their 'sleepover’ was in full swing.

Eight years.

It had been long. Long enough to completely change the she-wolf’s opinion on marriage, and long-term romantic commitment, and every time that they had the chance to steal away with one another like this, she brought that ring as well, so intensely certain of what she wanted to ask-- though she didn’t feel as though any of the scenarios they so often got themselves into had ever been the one. And a question like that... a promise like that, it deserved the perfect moment, deserved the right time and place. Grace deserved that. But one could never truly predict when or what that would be like... hence the habit she had developed in carrying it with her whenever and wherever the couple went together.

She felt no fear or worry when it came to the thought of asking the question of the blonde, contrary to how she presented herself; it only served to fill her with confidence, excitement... happiness. Thrill. Some day, some time, some place soon, she’d ask Grace to be hers for the rest of their lives with a ridiculous grin, content in the fact that this path with the blonde was the one she wanted to stay on forever. If she hadn’t been so certain in this, nervousness over the witch rejecting her would have been a more prominent thought-- but the possibility of ‘no’ being the answer she would receive was so... inconceivable. So unthinkable her mind was begging to just yell it out every single time her senses were overcome with the comforting, sweet scent, the beautiful, lovely sight and the heightened thrum of her heart whenever she found herself in the presence of the woman she so wholly loved.

Would it be Thomas-Wright-- or Wright-Thomas? Wright? Thomas? What about Thomas-Markovy-Wright?

... All in good time, Erica. All in good time. It’s better to focus on the present moment than to fixate on the uncertainty of the future.

Being the self-proclaimed intelligent individual that she was, the wolf had had the foresight to set up a few places to sleep within the clubhouse, one of those a bed proper that acted as a secondary couch for the group when their little space had become rather crowded-- twelve people sat on chairs in a tiny shack was quite difficult to manoeuvre around --though tonight it was going to be laid in, Erica taking the opportunity to ensure that it was used for it’s intended purpose, at least tonight.

Truth be told, their evening together had been just what she’d needed. A reprieve from all the pretences, a break from being forced to speak so cruelly of the Averys and their allies when she knew none of it was true. Dinner, good conversation, the best company, a movie and then some music playing to fill the natural gaps of silence between their chatter as they lounged about the clubhouse. Everything about it was so undeniably right. All the while, the brunette unabashedly basked in the glow that the blonde always seemed to give off; it came off of her in droves, filling Erica with a sense that she could be, and would be, so much more than what she had been raised to become. She gave her a sense of hope that there was still good to be found in Windham, even if it was few and far between.

As if Grace Thomas herself wasn’t the perfect example of the good that resided in their town.

The conversation died down naturally, leaving empty spaces of quiet, hushed music between their words. Times like this... they always got the she-wolf thinking. That, or she became overly-affectionate. Even both, depending on her mood. And, true to form, Erica was quick to stand and clumsily tumble onto the couch-bed, sinking into the cushioning with hands outstretched in a request that her lover join her, wanting that closeness she always seemed to crave. “C’mere, sweetheart. It’s late; we should get some rest.” It was plain from her tone that she had no intention of stripping down, perfectly happy to just lie there and talk before they slept. Not every single date had to devolve into sex, after all.

“Gods, you’re warm,” The she-wolf murmured into the crook of the blonde’s neck once she’d joined her on the mattress, gaze briefly darting away from the other woman to look out the window, realising just how much of the night had passed. It was so easy to lose track of time when Grace was there. Minutes, hours, days... Eight years, and she’d never once found herself to tire of the witch’s company-- instead, she savoured it. Every second they shared, every kiss, every touch... even their passing glances at each other in the street were what Erica coveted the most. “And comfy. So very beautiful, so very comfy.”

... Maybe this is the one. I wanted it to be just the two of us, something we could have for ourselves, with no one else to watch. And it is just the two of us... And tonight has been more than perfect... Quiet, simple, an evening for us to be us. Maybe--

She could have gone on and on, convincing herself that now was the time, but her train of thought was derailed in hearing her lover’s soft, calm, almost musical voice utter a request, one she couldn’t say she wasn’t expecting, but one she was more than happy to fulfil; ‘Could you play with my hair?’

Mock grumbling softly as she readjusted her position so that Grace’s head was nestled against her collarbone, Erica sighed out of brief disappointment. This did mean that her attention would be taken away from the thoughts of taking that little box out of her bag and asking the question, but... there would always be another time. Many more opportunities, most likely just as perfect as the moment they were having now. And beside that, she’d settled down enough in the bed; she really didn’t feel like getting up again, for any reason. “I think,” The she-wolf began to speak, acting as if she actually had to consider whether or not she would say yes to the blonde while pulling the covers over the pair in a smooth movement, the hand that had been holding the sheets already betraying her with fingertips grazing over long, golden locks, “That I would love to do that.”

Slipping an arm underneath Grace’s waist in a lazy embrace, she began stroke through the other woman’s hair with a soothing rhythm to her movements, letting her touch speak for itself as she briefly caressed the nape of her lover’s neck, the length of her jaw, the tip of her nose, and her bottom lip in between idly playing with and running fingers through her curls. “I love this,” Erica murmured, pressing a soft kiss to the other woman’s neck. Her eyelids started to grow heavy-- though her hands didn’t still just yet --as she allowed herself to truly sink down into the reassuring sounds of Grace’s heartbeat and breath, to be placated in inhaling her irresistible scent, and to find solace in her warmth.

“We should just... be this. Like-- forever. Be us, forever. All of it’s so... perfect. We’re perfect. And we’re-- ... mm. ... You’re making me so sleepy. Super unfair...” Yeah, right. She wasn’t complaining, nor was she even the tiniest bit annoyed about it. Actively snuggling up against her lover just that little bit more only served to prove it, mind, with Erica leaning down to deliver a chaste kiss to the corner of Grace’s lips the best she could.

But before the silence finally set in and they both drifted into unconsciousness, she couldn’t help spouting out a quiet, likely nonsensical ramble that was followed by a contented sigh; “... I am in stupid, crazy love with you, Grace Thomas-- even when you’re being unfair. And I love it. I love you. I’m still gonna be in love with you when we wake up tomorrow, same goes for the day after. Next week, too, next month-- that’s gonna be a great month for being in love --and next year. So-- I’m fully booked for the foreseeable future; I’m just... gonna be in love. For-- ... forever. Yeah-- yes. I, am gonna be in love, with you, for forever. And forever... Gods, it’s just-- ... it’s... gonna be amazing. Perfect. Incredible. Awesome... so many good things you don’t even know... It-- it’s just... gonna be perfectly amazing. So great. ... So amazing.”

[khalilhumam]

The case for rethinking the politicization of the military

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The case for rethinking the politicization of the military

By Jim Golby, Mara Karlin Every smart defense strategist learns early in their career the wise words of Carl von Clausewitz, “War is the continuation of politics by other means.” And yet, military leaders are constantly fearful that they will be labeled with that scarlet word, “political.” To some degree, this fear is well-founded; it is also profoundly problematic. The terms “political,” “apolitical,” and “politicization” are applied and misapplied across a wide range of issues, and understanding the military’s relationship to politics deserves serious reconsideration. Claiming that the military is, or should be, apolitical is both confusing and counterproductive. The military itself is, of course, an intensely political institution. Military leaders need to be able to engage on political issues with their troops and with the public, and they shouldn’t shy away from a topic simply for fear of being labeled “political.” Instead, they should actively tackle what it means to do so in an appropriate and responsible manner. In practice, that looks like retiring the military’s ambiguous “apolitical norm” and replacing it with new practical rules of thumb about what topics are off-limits for those in uniform. We don’t want a military that is “apolitical”; we instead want a military that avoids partisanship, institutional endorsements, and electoral influence. Those topics should stay off-limits, but politics are too critical to be entirely ignored by the military. The military is a political creature — it’s time for it to consider what that means in a more practical and appropriate manner.

The US military isn’t apolitical and it shouldn’t try to be

On June 6, New Jersey Congressman Tom Malinowski posted a picture of a young man at a rally in a Marine Corps uniform. The image shot around the internet, particularly among military accounts, garnering dramatically different responses. Some praised the Marine, asserting that he was standing up for human dignity, while others roundly criticized him for violating the military’s “apolitical” norm by protesting in the garb of the institution he ostensibly represents. Standing up for the values of the military is critical and the affirmation of the oath on the Marine’s sign — “I swore an oath to defend the people” — is not a political act in and of itself. Wearing his uniform while doing so at a rally, however, demonstrates the tension between holding up that apolitical mantle while maintaining one’s role as an engaged citizen. And according to the Defense Department’s instruction on political activities, it is not permitted to do so in uniform. But there is a bigger problem: whether or not his actions are political is simply the wrong question to ask.

The military is not apolitical. It never has been, and it should not try to be.

That’s because the military is not apolitical. It never has been, and it should not try to be. The military is an instrument of policy, and there are always tensions between our security and our values; politics is the process we use to choose between competing tradeoffs that can advance our values and our interests, or both. Use of that term “apolitical” not only makes it harder for military officers to fulfill their responsibilities and maintain the trust of the American people, but confuses service members and the public alike when they see military leaders saying or doing things that have clear political consequences.

The military’s political nature

Military actions always happen in a political context, and military advice — intentionally or not — always has political implications. A senior military leader can claim she is giving “apolitical” advice when she asks Congress to appropriate certain funds to the procurement of a given weapon system, but before deciding whether to grant her request, legislators have to consider whether doing so would come at a cost to other military or non-military programs, how it might help or hurt employment in their district, the potential environmental impacts of the program, or whether they might need to raise taxes to pay for the system, among a host of other factors. Officers can claim their advice is “apolitical,” but it is simply not true. As scholar Risa Brooks has argued, lip service to an apolitical norm also can blind officers to their own biases or hinder them from understanding the political implications of their actions or advice, ultimately enabling the types of behaviors the norm was intended to prevent. Similarly, fears of becoming a meme or political poster child also can cause military officers to refrain from talking about important issues in public or with their personnel. Their silence itself can sometimes be interpreted as a political message. Indeed, following the death of George Floyd, it took nearly a week before any of the service chiefs released statements to their service members about the killing or the unrest that had consumed the nation — although for at least a few of them, that silence was almost surely informed by heavy pressure from Secretary of Defense Esper to refrain from commenting on these issues at that moment. In fact, it wasn’t until after Kaleth O. Wright — in his own words “a black man who happens to be Chief Master Sergeant of the Air Force” — posted a powerful Twitter thread on June 1st that they did so. Since then, a flood of senior military officers have released statements and videos to their units, affirming the core values of the military, condemning racism, and promoting diversity and inclusion both in the military and in society — issues that, we hasten to add, should not be seen as political and instead rather as the ultimate comparative advantage of a capable U.S. military and society.

Better rules of thumb for political activity

Given the military’s inherent political nature, the Defense Department issued two regulations to try and outline parameters for individual service member involvement in political activities. The regulations, issued in 2005 and 2008 list dozens of both authorized and prohibited activities that, taken with several other relevant statutes and at least one executive order, apply in various contexts. Together, they prohibit members of the military from attending events like speeches, rallies, marches, debates, or any public demonstration while wearing their uniform, unless they receive approval by one of only a handful of generals or admirals listed in the document. This step is to ensure that individual military personnel do not give the appearance that the military institution supports the person, group, or cause at hand, while still allowing military personnel to represent their personal opinions as active and interested citizens. The regulations also mandate that members of the military must remain non-partisan and refrain from using their official position or authority to influence a campaign or election. If the “apolitical norm” is confusing, how can we expect service members or political leaders to make sense of what behavior is acceptable and what isn’t? And why should we be surprised when service members are confused about whether the Marine at the rally or their own senior leaders are engaging in political activity? Fortunately, the main provisions in these documents boil down to three rules of thumb, which we suggest can be communicated in one hokey acronym: avoid giving or taking a piece of the military’s PIE. In other words: avoid Partisan behavior; avoid Institutional endorsement; and avoid Electoral influence. First, avoiding partisan behavior seems straightforward, but it can be difficult in practice in a nation that is polarized along partisan lines. Still, those in uniform — and senior leaders, in particular — most avoid creating the impression they are aligned with a political party. They must be aware of their own biases and of the perceptions they may convey. Second, the military has been the nation’s most-admired institution for decades now, and everyone knows it. This fact creates strong incentives for individuals, groups, candidates, or causes to try to create the impression that the military supports them. Aligning themselves with those in uniform can seem an easy way to legitimize themselves or their goals or to shield them from opposition. But those in the military must avoid situations where their presence, especially in uniform, creates the impression that the military is granting its institutional endorsement. And third, those in uniform should not use their official position or authority to interfere in — or to try to influence — elections. Even in cases where party is not the central fault line in a campaign, it is dangerous for democracy when those in uniform try to position themselves as the arbiter of political legitimacy. This has happened in places like Egypt — with dangerous, authoritarian results. None of these rules of thumb keep service members from expressing their own political opinions or exercising their individual rights, but they should reshape how they exercise those rights and draw a boundary between their personal behavior and their professional behavior. As individual responsibility and rank increase, the lines between personal and professional may become harder — or impossible — to draw. Indeed, the more senior you become, the less you can ever truly speak for yourself and the more you have no choice but to speak for the institution. Political pressures on the military have always existed, and it is hard for service members, and their leaders, to avoid giving away a piece of the military’s PIE, when political leaders, candidates, and groups are always trying to take a piece of the military’s PIE. As a powerful instrument of statecraft, political leaders of both parties have tried to wield the military or use it to garner greater domestic support by wrapping themselves in the veil of military prestige. On June 1st, for example, President Trump asked Chairman of the Joint Chiefs General Mark Milley to join him in his combat uniform for a photo op on his walk across Lafayette Square to Saint John’s Church. In a powerful commencement speech to the National Defense University, Milley apologized for participating and stated, “I should not have been there.” Others may want the military to take political positions to harm their opponents or to weaken the commander-in-chief, such as when Sen. John McCain tried to pressure Gen. Martin Dempsey to state that President Barack Obama’s Syria policy was not in the national security interest of the United States during his 2013 re-confirmation hearing. Growing political polarization and increased confidence in the military has only exacerbated these pressures, but this temptation has existed since time immemorial. Nevertheless, its character in recent years has broadened and deepened. Under President Trump, the military has experienced heavy external political pressure, like the president signing a temporary travel ban on Muslim-majority countries inside the Pentagon’s Hall of Heroes; regaling troops at CENTCOM and SOCOM about how much political support he commanded in the election because of them; urging sailors to lobby members of Congress on the defense budget; and his granting of clemency to convicted war criminals and then bringing them onstage during a political fundraiser. The military has also experienced heavy internal political pressure, such as when service members decided to cover up the USS John McCain out of fear that the president would be perturbed to see a ship named after his nemesis or when troops brought red MAGA hats and a Trump campaign banner to his visit at Ramstein Air Base. Ideally, the secretary of defense and other senior civilian defense leaders should do their utmost to minimize these pressures on the military. It is incumbent on them to insulate the military from politicization to the extent possible. Likewise, senior military leaders should acknowledge to their troops that these pressures exist in the national security ecosystem. The challenge for them to consider is how and in what ways they can foment a command climate that does so in a professional and appropriate manner. Military officers, at all levels, need to be more comfortable talking about politics the right way instead of avoiding the topic altogether.

Military officers, at all levels, need to be more comfortable talking about politics the right way instead of avoiding the topic altogether.

What military leaders can — and should — do now

Rather than let Clausewitz spin in his grave, military leaders at varying levels can take three key steps to help educate their troops and alleviate concerns of partisanship across the ranks, particularly at this delicate moment. First, they should reaffirm their commitment to avoid giving anyone a piece of the military’s PIE: avoid partisanship; avoid institutional endorsement; and avoid elections. This acronym is admittedly hokey, but it needs to be memorable to supplant use of the ubiquitous and ultimately confusing “apolitical norm.” Focusing on these three elements will result in a richer discussion and clearer rules of thumb for troops and the public than simply tossing about glib warnings on politicization. And using them will help military leaders — and the troops they lead — draw clearer lines around inappropriate behavior. Second, they should acknowledge that although the military is inherently political as a tool of statecraft, the use of the military as a symbol to legitimize political decisions can have harmful effects on the public’s trust in the military and in the military’s ability to provide expert advice. By reminding themselves and their subordinates that the military’s high domestic support can plummet — with catastrophic consequences — service members may internalize why a cautious approach is the right one. Third, they should not become too cautious, avoiding all talk of these hard issues out of fear of stumbling or saying the wrong thing. Instead, they should foster critical conversations on topics like the perniciousness of political activity on social media, in line with Heidi Urben’s scholarship which finds that it is common for active-duty members of the military to make highly inappropriate statements on social media — even directed against elected leaders. They should debate thorny case studies in professional military education programs and senior leader sessions, such as partisan endorsements, what appears to be increased wariness on exercising the right to vote among military leaders, and both positive and negative examples of stepping over what often feels like an invisible line. Our efforts to further refine and develop the notion of politicization in the military represent a step forward in an urgent conversation. The military is far too important in American society for it to be apolitical.

[erraticfairy]

Podcast: Comfort Zones Aren’t Where We Grow



Today’s guest has a simple plan for radical life changes: Step outside of your comfort zone.  Lucia Giovannini is a former supermodel-turned-psychologist whose new book advises that the path to a meaningful life lies in stretching our intellectual and emotional abilities.  Lucia believes that making a concentrated effort to learn and grow on a daily basis can make you a happier person, and help you realize your true potential. And isn’t that the goal of a well-lived life?

Listen in as Lucia gives easy, practical tips for expanding your horizons, reaching the best of your abilities, using your talents to serve the world, and finding inner happiness.

SUBSCRIBE & REVIEW

Guest information for ‘Comfort Zone’ Podcast Episode

Lucia Giovannini is world renowned sensation, a former international Italian supermodel – turned transformational speaker and author of 13 books.  Her newest book, A Whole New Life, has been translated into 8 languages, and is available in English from Post Hill Press, a Simon & Schuster imprint.  

Her 25 years of inspiring work through conferences &  has been influenced by growing up throughout different parts of Italy and Africa, immersed in the beauty and the pain of those unforgettable lands. Her work crafts a synergy between traditional psychological techniques, motivational practices, and ancient eastern rituals that turns her seminars into profound experiences for Asian and European audiences alike. Lucia holds a doctorate in psychology and counseling, a bachelor’s degree in psychoanthropology, and is an international affiliate of the American Psychology Association. Please visit her online at https://www.luciagiovannini.com/

About The Psych Central Podcast Host

Gabe Howard is an award-winning writer and speaker who lives with bipolar disorder. He is the author of the popular book, Mental Illness is an Asshole and other Observations, available from Amazon; signed copies are also available directly from the author. To learn more about Gabe, please visit his website, gabehoward.com.

Computer Generated Transcript for ‘Comfort Zone’ Episode

Editor’s Note: Please be mindful that this transcript has been computer generated and therefore may contain inaccuracies and grammar errors. Thank you.

Announcer: Welcome to the Psych Central Podcast, where each episode features guest experts discussing psychology and mental health in everyday plain language. Here’s your host, Gabe Howard.

Gabe Howard: Welcome to this week’s episode of the Psych Central Podcast. Calling into the show today, we have Lucia Giovannini, a former Italian supermodel who holds a doctorate in psychology and counseling and a bachelors in psychoanthropology and is a member of the American Psychological Association. Lucia, welcome to the show.

Lucia Giovannini: Gabe, I am really honored to be here.

Gabe Howard: I am extremely excited to talk to you about our subject, which is stepping outside your comfort zone. But before we get started, I really just want to ask — What’s it like to go from an Italian supermodel to a doctorate? For some reason in our culture, we tend to think of those things as mutually exclusive. But obviously, they’re not.

Lucia Giovannini: Well, yeah. Well, for me, it was actually stepping out of my comfort zone. I started working as a model, and then it soon became a full-time career. And at the beginning it was awesome. So I moved to Milan, and I was living in a beautiful house. I was traveling the world, et cetera, et cetera. But after a while, a short while, I started feeling depressed because since I was a child, I’ve always felt a deep calling for creating a better world, not just for us humans, but also for the other beings that share this planet with us like animals, trees, mother earth. And so really listening to this call again, and I had to do this going through a depression, sadly. But the depression was actually a wakeup call for me. So in order to follow my true calling, I had to leave everything that I had created so far — my house, my career, my marriage, at that point. So it was really stepping out of my comfort zone.

Gabe Howard: When you talk about stepping out of your comfort zone, do you literally just mean doing something that makes you uncomfortable or is it — is it deeper than that?

Lucia Giovannini: Definitely doing something that makes me uncomfortable, but it’s even more than that. In my case, for example, I was scared to death to let go of all my certainties. And so it’s really going beyond fear, going beyond all your conditioning beliefs that say you won’t make it, you are not good enough, you will not be able to survive, et cetera, et cetera. So it’s really uncovering new territories or traveling in, you know, new paths.

Gabe Howard: Did the people around you see this as concerning or a cry for help or self sabotage? Going from, you know, modeling and like you said, all that glamour over to academia, which again, people see as really two different worlds. So was there concern from the people around you that you were running away or abandoning something that used to be important to you?

Lucia Giovannini: Well, they actually thought I was crazy. I tried to speak, you know, with my husband at that time, and he said, well, seek help because there’s something wrong with you. Then I spoke to my friends, my co-workers, the other models, or photographers, or you know, fashion designers who are my friends. And all of them said, “Well, you know, I think there’s something wrong with you. Please seek help, seek professional help.” So it was really difficult. And even after I took that decision and I let everything go, all my friends abandoned me because they thought I had gone crazy. So that was the other harder part. One hard part was, you know, the money and the other, the other part was my friends and all the people around me, because they couldn’t understand that depression was a reality. My soul talking to me, trying to reach me and signaling me that there was a new path there for me.

Gabe Howard: And we can kind of see why we hold it, you know, beauty and glamour and money and fame in very high regard. So on one hand, I think they may have been concerned because after all, something that used to be important to you, you have now lost interest in. And then, of course, there’s that societal pressure of probably a lot of people wanted to be you. So they couldn’t understand why you were walking away from something that they saw as so desirable. Do you think for people out there who are walking away from something that they’ve spent a lot of time and effort in, that the reaction of their friends and family and support system is a barrier to them moving on?

Lucia Giovannini: Well, yeah, definitely, because, I mean, we as humans are social animals, so it’s not that we cannot make it alone. Of course we can. But it’s much more difficult if we don’t have a support system. And if all the people around us — our best friends, our partner, our family — doesn’t understand, you know, what we are going through, it’s not easy. And of course, in my case, I also doubted myself. Apparently, I had it all. So I also started out in myself thinking, have I really gone crazy? You know, am I really throwing away everything good that there is in my life? I mean, I was looking around me and all the other people seemed happy, my co-workers seemed happy, the other models, my husband seemed happy, at that time, my husband was a fashion model as well. So why are they happy? Why for them, it’s OK and it’s not for me? If the people around you don’t support you, it’s also easy that you start doubting yourself as well.

Gabe Howard: Obviously, we just met and I know it turned out okay for you and I know you’re doing wonderful things and great things, and I know that more importantly, you’re much happier now. But even as I’m listening to you, I’m thinking, oh, man, I don’t know. That’s a lot to give up. So I imagine that many people, when stepping outside their comfort zone, feel exactly the same way. What are some ways to get over that barrier or what are some ways to not only step outside of your comfort zone, but to do so when a lot of people — and people who are very meaningful to you — really aren’t backing that plan?

Lucia Giovannini: So I normally advise people to ask some coaching questions: What is the cost for me to stay in this situation? We normally focus on the cost that we pay to follow our dreams. We normally ask ourselves, OK, but if I do that, like if I leave my job, if I leave this relationship? If I don’t, I’ll leave my home town. What will be the cost that I will pay? I will have no money. I will have no friends, will fail, etc, etc. But we seldom focus on another question which is far more important. And it is — what is the cost that I’m paying if I stay here? If I stay in a job that I don’t like anymore? If I stay in a relationship that has nothing more to offer? If I stay in a situation that is my comfort zone but doesn’t make me grow, doesn’t nurture me anymore? Once you realize that the cost that you are paying is so high, then it really gives you a good motivation to go out of your comfort zone. Another thing is really to ask another coaching question, which is: If I didn’t have fear, if I didn’t feel fear, what would I do? Because normally we let fear advise us instead of letting love be our advisor. Normally we make decisions out of fear rather than making decisions out of love. And so that’s another new paradigm.

Gabe Howard: I really like what you said there. There’s a meme on Facebook that I really like and that says “Instead of imagining what could go wrong, imagine what could go right.” We’re afraid. We don’t want it to happen. It’s uncomfortable. It feels poorly. And we allow that to stop us from getting to the thing that feels positive or good or extraordinary. And then we end up sort of like right in the middle, right? Where we’re no longer afraid, but we’re also not excited. We’re safe. And that’s what a comfort zone is. Right?

Lucia Giovannini: Yeah. Actually, I think we should call it discomfort zone rather than comfort zone, because it becomes a prison after awhile. I mean, for me, I wasn’t so courageous to jump out of my comfort zone immediately. I spent, like, at least a couple of years, if not more, you know, in that depression, trying to get this thing changed. Lying to myself. Keeping on telling myself that I didn’t have any clarity on what I wanted. But internally I was very clear on what I wanted. It was just that it was too difficult to admit it even for myself. So I stayed in that discomfort zone for, like, a long time, and it became a prison. And this prison, it suffocates you. It takes all your energy, all your vitality. And so we call it the comfort zone. But it should really be called discomfort zone.

Gabe Howard: We’ll be right back after we hear from our sponsor.

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Gabe Howard: We are back talking about ways to improve your life by stepping outside of your comfort zone. I think the idea of having safety can be a prison. And I think that that is really what is going to maybe challenge the audience, because the audience is going to think to themselves, wait a minute, if you’re saying that I’m safe, I’m in prison. Can you expand on that? And in a way to let people know that just because you’re safe or mediocre or OK, that doesn’t mean that you’re excelling or succeeding. It just means that you’re safe. And that “safe” isn’t necessarily a bad thing, but it’s not necessarily a good thing either.

Lucia Giovannini: Well, I’d like to quote Maslow, you know, Abraham Maslow, the great psychologist of the last century?

Gabe Howard: Yes. 

Lucia Giovannini: He used to say that if you plan to not choose your capacities, if you plan to play safe, plan not to stretch yourself, you’ll be unhappy for your whole life. Of course, I’m not saying that we should jump off the cliff with no parachute or do stupid things. But the idea is to stretch ourselves because otherwise we can’t grow. Exactly the same as, you know, when we go to the gym. Say we lift weights — after a while, we need to increase the weights. Otherwise, we don’t train our muscles. If we train for a marathon or even just, you know, running after a while, maybe we started running five minutes and then we run in 10 minutes, then we run 15 minutes, then half an hour. Then we run faster because that’s the way we train. If we keep on running just for five minutes at the same speed for a year, then we are not really training. And that is so obvious when we talk about sports. But the same principle here applies to our inner world. If we don’t stretch ourselves, we don’t grow. And if we don’t grow, we don’t develop our capacities. And if we don’t develop our capacities, we’ll never know the full expression of our talents — we’ll never be self-actualized. I think the meaning of a life — of a human life — is really to use our capacities, our talents, to serve the world in some ways, to serve the communities. And so the only way to do that is really to stretch ourselves, to train ourselves. And in order to do that, we need to do new things to train exactly as we would in the physical sense.

Gabe Howard: Thank you so much. And I couldn’t agree more, and in preparing for this interview, I read a whole bunch of things that you wrote and one of the articles was stepping outside of your comfort zone. And it was a… it’s a short little article, and it has three things in there that you can do to step outside of your comfort zone. One of them is trust your gut. And I understand that and I’ve heard it before. And one of them was believe in yourself. And that makes sense. I understand why we have to believe in ourselves. But the one that really caught my eye and I’d like you to talk a little more on is the very first one. And it said do something ordinary in a non-ordinary way.

Lucia Giovannini: Yeah. So the idea there is to really let go of your fear of being judged by other people and to train yourself with little things like, for example, you could wear a pair of shoes of different colors or open your umbrella on a sunny day. Do something that is really ordinary but in a different way. So you will be, may be, judged by other people, but you just don’t care. You will catch the attention of other people, but it’s OK, because one of the limitations that we self-impose on ourselves is that we want to please other people, that we don’t want to be different from others. And yet our capacities and our talents are in our uniqueness. So if we don’t do things because of our fear of judgment, then we are limiting ourselves. And so this little exercise… and it can be, I don’t know, sing out loud, you know, while you are walking on the street. Just sing your preferred song and sing it out loud. It may be, you know, little things or even ask people favors, like, even people that you don’t know so well or your co-workers. But ask them weird favors like “Would you buy me a holiday?” They would look at you and say, “Have you gone nuts?” But it’s okay, because then you can say, it’s OK, I’m just, you know, doing an exercise. But the idea is really to be OK with other people’s judgment. To be OK if other people say no to you. So you’re more free to really be yourself.

Gabe Howard: One of the examples that you used in your article was brush your teeth with the wrong hand. So if you normally use your right hand, use your left hand. And I did this. I went ahead and brushed my teeth with the “wrong” hand. It was very difficult to do. And it took an ordinary habit, something like brushing my teeth. And it turned it into this, you know, 5-minute exercise and/or ordeal. It made something ordinary, non ordinary.

Lucia Giovannini: Absolutely. And this has also got to do with our awareness because we humans are creatures of habit. So, for example, we always brush our teeth in the same way. We don’t put our awareness on brushing our teeth, and that’s OK. But the exercise is precisely because then when you brush your teeth with your non-dominant hand, then of course you need to put your attention into that, and so that’s how we slowly, slowly change our habits. The same goes with — for example, it’s normal to wear our shoes when we go out — but when you wear two different sets of shoes like one in one color, and the other one of a different color, then you’ve done something different. Then you are more aware, you know, of how you dress, of the people looking at you. And then it brings your awareness to your everyday habit. And so once you’re more aware, you also can start deciding to add new habits. So you are doing new things instead of keeping on with your routine.

Gabe Howard: The other article that I loved was the 21-day challenge, and you give 10 examples of things that you can do over those 21 days. And there are some expected things in there, you know, exercise at least 20 minutes every day, improve your diet, throw away things that you don’t need anymore. And I think a lot of people can really relate to those. We see that a lot. And then there was a couple of suggestions that I think — while not as obvious as diet and exercise — I think people can really relate to, you know, like learn something new, or use positive words instead of negative words or be more creative. But there were three in that list that really gave me a moment to pause. The first one was: Do something for yourself early in the morning.

Lucia Giovannini: Yeah, because we are all so used to being good parents, being good partners, being good daughters or sons, being good workers. In other words, do our duty. And that’s OK, of course. But at the same time, we risk to spend a whole day doing things for others or doing what we have to do instead of what we really want to do. And so we risk of getting at night with some resentment within us, with some sensation that, you know, we’ve been running the whole day without really taking care of ourselves. If we start the day doing something for ourselves first and then we go about doing our life. We all have a vase full of love and that love can flow to the others as well. What if that vase is not full of love for ourselves first? We don’t have anything to offer, to really offer, to other people. It starts the day in a totally different energy.

Gabe Howard: And of course, the flipside to that, which sort of goes along with doing something for yourself early in the morning, is before going to bed, spend 10 minutes to think about what went well during the day. We tend to hold onto the negativity, right? Is that kind of the logic of patting yourself on the back?

Lucia Giovannini: Well, it’s even more than that. As you said, our minds are programmed to focus on the negative. Our reptilian brain is primed to do that. And so we really need to do something to use our awareness and our intention to do something to steer the wheel of our brain in a different direction. It’s also that when we start focusing on the positive, then we feel more motivated to go on with our projects. Otherwise, if we always focus on what’s not working, we lose interest and we lose motivation. We lose energy. And then we decide, why should I care? Nothing works.

Gabe Howard: The most exciting one on the list and one that I personally have never thought of for happiness, stepping outside of your comfort zone, improving your life: Teach something every day. Share your gifts with other people.

Lucia Giovannini: Yes, there are many reasons here. So one reason is the best way to learn something is to teach it, because of course, when we teach something, we need to know it well. For example, if we teach someone — let’s say our kids, or a friend, to be positive — we need to train our positivity. Otherwise we wouldn’t be able to teach it. And so that forces us, you know, to learn something new. And also the other reason here is to share our knowledge, to share our experiences. To, in a way, try to make a difference in the world. And when I talk about the world, I mean, our community, our family, our co-workers, our friends, or even the bigger world out there, the idea is really to share your talents, your gifts with the world, with someone else — to feel that our presence is useful.

Gabe Howard: It has been great speaking with you, and I really appreciate all the information that you’ve given us.

Lucia Giovannini: Thank you, Gabe. It was amazing.

Gabe Howard: Where can our listeners find you?

Lucia Giovannini: So they can find me in my website, which is my name, basically, www.LuciaGiovannini.com. L U C I A G I O V A N N I N I dot com. And alsofind a free gift, a five-part video series on change, on how to create the changes we want in our life. And there they can also find my book, A Whole New Life.

Gabe Howard: Thank you so much for being on this show, we really appreciate you and we appreciate all of our listeners as well. Please don’t forget to give us a review on whatever podcast player you found us on. While we like five stars, we also like it if you use your words. You can also head over to our Facebook group at Psych Central.com/FBshow. That’ll take you right in. Join and I’ll approve you and you can talk to me and suggest anything that you want. And remember, you can get one week of free, convenient, affordable, private online counseling anytime, anywhere, simply by visiting BetterHelp.com/PsychCentral. We will see everybody next week.

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