#let me scream about past references ok

[somethinginthemyste]

I just saw some idiot on TikTok say "Markiplier hasn't uploaded anything in 3 weeks. Long time viewers will know this isn't normal." BITCH THIS MAN JUST CAME BACK FROM NOT UPLOADING FOR A MONTH THE FUCK YOU MEAN THIS ISN'T NORMAL. This Man Who Owned Five Ovens habitually erases himself from all of existence for weeks at a time. This Short Ass Motherfucker could be in fucking Korea getting blood drained from his eyes and won't be back for 2 more weeks. This Squirrel King is the same asshole who promised us four times to upload something every day and broke that promise the very next week.

The fuck you mean "long time viewers" BITCH LONG TIME VIEWERS KNOW HOW NORMAL THIS IS. Long time viewers know him uploading every day ISN'T NORMAL. If we get a couple month of content it's awesome! But those are so few and so far in between. Do you really think this isn't normal for the man who legit had people impersonating him on his own channel because he took a hiatus for like half a year. That lucky flannel having motherfucker disappears constantly, then reappears with some unbelievably AMAZING FUCKING QUALITY CONTENT LIKE WHO FRAMED MARKIPLIER OR A DATE WITH MARKIPLIER OR FUCKING IN SPACE WITH MARKIPLIER.

THE MAN IS MAKING A FUCKING MOVIE AND HAS DISAPPEARED FIVE TIMES ALREADY BECAUSE OF IT WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU MEAN THIS ISN'T NORMAL.

[ithebookhoarder]

Special Delivery (Spencer Reid x F!Reader)

Description: Something's different about Reid and no-one knows what. However, a surprise delivery to the BAU may just have the answer...

Warnings: Food references, mentions of mental health, mentions of medical procedures, references to smutty behaviour, Spencer being adorable

Masterlist

“Ok. Am I the only one who’s noticed something’s different with Reid lately?” Morgan remarked, watching as the said boy-genuis made his way across the bullpen and over to his desk. 

“Yeah,” Emily hummed, watching the young agent over the rim of coffee cup. She had to admit it - as much as it annoyed her - Morgan was right; Spencer has definitely been acting different. If anything, she was surprised it had taken them all this long to say anything. 

Normally, they were all over each other the moment they noticed anything even remotely different about each other. Hell, she’d barely taken a step off the elevator, after getting an extra few inches cut off at her latest haircut, before the team were quizzing her about possible life changes and whether or not they needed to be worried about her. 

It was a hazard of working with profilers for a living; it was almost impossible to keep anything a secret. No wonder they were all intrigued and slightly confused by the fact that none of them had been able to pinpoint what was going on with their friend. 

The most notable difference was the gradual disappearance of the dark circles under his eyes. Reid also seemed happier in general, less quiet and reserved when talking to others, and it was starting to make agents talk. 

Morgan and Emily stood up straighter as JJ walked over to join the unofficial gossip session. She took one look at the pair and knew immediately what they were whispering about. 

“Are you talking about Reid?”

“Oh yeah,” Morgan grinned, “my money’s on him having finally found someone.”

Emily choked, seemingly as a result of inhaling her coffee at the grand statement. “What?”

“Oh, come on, Miss ‘super spy’. Just look at him,” he teased. “He’s been distracted. He’s all goo-goo eyed and he’s been leaving this place at a normal hour. Like… tell me that doesn’t scream ‘I got a date’.”

“What? It could be loads of things. It doesn’t have to be a date, right JJ?”

“He’s probably just happy. We’ve all been getting more sleep lately and our paperwork is non-existent at the moment,” JJ murmured, reaching past the pair of them to grab for the coffee pot. She was clearly doing her best to try and put this line of questioning to rest. She’d always been the first to protect the younger agent she now saw as a little brother. “Besides, we all know he’s not interested in dating, he hasn’t been since…. Well, you know.”

Morgan groaned. “But what about the secret texts, JJ!” he protested, ignoring the look Emily shot him in return. “He’s been glued to that phone of his and keeps giggling like a school kid. Then there’s the lunches! I know he’s always been organised and likes things a certain way, but damn. His lunches have been like next level - and actually healthy? And I swear he’s had jello like every day.”

JJ rolled her eyes. “You’re basing your profile on jello? Is that it?” 

“Well, no I mean… did you not hear the part about the texting and the taking secret calls and the fact he didn’t come out for drinks last night-”

“-Can’t we just be glad for him? Whatever is going on, it’s good for him. Let’s just drop it, ok? He’ll tell us when he’s ready if there’s anything to share.”

“JJ’s right,” Emily echoed. “Reid’s just … happy. End of.”

By the way Morgan frowned it looked like it definitely was not the end of this conversation, but he never got the chance to argue. In fact, he was interrupted as the main doors opened next to them and a rather lost looking receptionist hurried through. 

Normally, this wouldn’t have been worth noticing but all three of them spun around at the sound of him calling out the name, “Agent Reid? uh… Is Agent Reid here?”

“Oh, uh, here!” Spencer shouted, soundly vaguely like he was taking roll call. It didn’t help that he shot his arm up in the air too, almost falling off his desk chair as he lurched to his feet and hurried over. “That’s… that’s me - and it’s Dr Reid, but it doesn’t matter. How can I help?”

“Oh, uh, there’s a Y/N at reception for you,” the unfortunate messenger managed, gesturing back the way they’d came. “I told them to wait whilst I came to check with you as they’re not on your visitor list-”

Spencer didn’t even let the poor man finish. He was already racing for the door before the man had even made it to the end of the sentence. Needless to say, the others were quick to follow, with Morgan smugly boasting “told you soooo” as he went. 

There was no way on earth they were missing this and considering Hotch and Rossi hadn’t arrived yet it wasn’t like they were about to get their asses handed to them for missing their briefing either. 

Despite the amount Spencer had told you about the BAU, you were still surprised by how different the FBI offices were to what you’d imagined. 

The offices were larger and the sheer number of people walking about in suits and carrying a side arm made you feel even more nervous, and that was already a problem considering you were stood there wearing neon blue scrubs, embroidered with jungle animals on the pocket. 

You were like a walking, flashing sign, screaming ‘outsider - does not work here’.  Thankfully, you weren’t going to be there long. You were only swinging by on your way to work, hoping to catch your utterly perfect - and utterly forgetful - boyfriend, before the start of your shift. 

Speaking of Spencer, you had only been standing there for possibly five minutes when you saw him barreling through the doors towards you. 

“Hey, Spence-“

“Y/N? Honey? What’s going on?” he gushed, hurrying over and taking your face in his hands. You could see his wide eyes frantically scanning every inch of you, looking for some kind of problem or sign that you were not ok. “Is everything alright? What are you doing here?”

You felt your cheeks warm at the sudden display of concern, very much aware of the scene your wonderful boyfriend was making. Spencer wasn’t normally the most affectionate in public, preferring to save those rare moments for when the two of you were alone. The fact he was so worried about what might have brought you to the FBI on a Tuesday morning was touching and made your heart swell. 

“I’m fine, Spence. Don’t worry-” 

“Then what are you doing here?” 

“You forgot something,” you soothed, pulling back and reaching into your satchel. It was impossible to miss the way his face reddened as you pulled out a neatly labeled Dr Who Tupperware by way of explanation. “I’m here because you were in such a rush this morning that you forgot your lunch.”

“Oh.”

“Yes, ‘oh’,” you teased. “I couldn’t exactly let you go hungry so I thought I’d drop it off on my way to work. I don’t start till later as I’m covering Amelia’s shift as she’s visiting her sister in Boston, so I thought I’d swing by.”

Sure, Spencer was an adult and you could have let him just buy something from the cafeteria or order something in for lunch, but considering how much effort he had gone to to cook with you the day before you felt bad letting it go to waste. 

He’d been so proud of the way the recipe had turned out, following the instructions and your guidance with extreme precision and care. The result had been a rather tasty looking dish - and it had the added benefit of being healthy too. You were always worried that Spencer seemed to think fast food, like Pizza, was a food group. Then again, he had been forced to be an adult pretty fast and had been in college so young that it wasn’t a surprise that no-one had been there to teach him about cooking and eating right. He had been too focused on his studies to even think about anything else.  

It was something he had been working on since you’d got together and now cooking had become one of your favourite date night activities. It didn’t hurt that you often ended up spilling food all over yourselves and needing to shower together - it was just a lovely bonus. In fact, your screensaver was now a picture of you and Spencer, covered in flour, and beaming ear to ear. 

“Thank you, that… that’s so nice,” Spencer stammered, “but I feel bad. You didn’t need to go out of your way and bring it to me.”

“As I say, it’s on my way to work. It’s no trouble.”

“Well, still-“

“Hey, pretty boy!” 

Spencer froze. 

“You gonna introduce us to your friend, or what?”

Spencer opened his mouth but instantly closed it again. You knew by the way he rolled his eyes and began muttering under his breath that whoever had shouted that had definitely been talking to him. 

You couldn’t help but giggle. “Pretty boy, huh?” 

“Don’t ask,” he whined, taking a deep breath as you looked over his shoulder and saw a small group of people now making their way towards you. “I should probably mention that I wasn’t sure how comfortable you were with me mentioning you, so I haven’t told anyone about us yet and those idiots are some of my team and I would say ‘run’ but they’re all faster than me.”

“Ah… I see. So I’m guessing that one is Morgan?” 

“Yes.”

“Well, no time like the present,” you cheered, turning and waving at the approaching trio. “Hi. Nice to meet you. I’m Y/N - Spencer’s girlfriend.”

“Wow. A girlfriend?” cooed Morgan, reaching over to pull you into a hug before the other two could stop him. To their credit, they looked slightly embarrassed by the display but they were clearly too interested in your identity to care. “And a doctor to boot? Didn’t know he had it in him. I’m Derek Morgan.”

“Oh, I worked that out. It’s good to finally meet you all.” 

The others were quick to echo the sentiment, with JJ and Emily quickly introducing themselves in tandem. They were also quick to invite you inside the office for some coffee, but thankfully you weren’t lying when you said you had to get to work. 

“You know how it is. People to take care of, medical cases to solve, lives to save - same old, same old. All I’m missing is a snazzy badge and I could be an FBI agent.” 

“Ha ha.” Spencer’s smile was genuine as you stole a kiss before making a dash for your car. However, you could see the nerves in his eyes at being left alone to face the great inquisition that now awaited him following the discovery of your existence. You were pretty sure the entire BAU would know about you before it even hit lunchtime. “I’ll see you later, ok?” 

“Of course. Just let me know if you’re coming home or if you’re off saving the world in another state - otherwise I can’t promise I won’t eat all the leftovers before you get back.” 

He chuckled. “Will do.” 

With that, you bid the others goodbye, making sure to agree when they asked (more like insisted) that you came to their family dinner on Friday night at none other than Rossi’s house. The rest of the team were going to be begging to meet you after this, and they were all bringing their families along too. 

If Spencer wasn’t comfortable with you going you were pretty sure the team would believe it if you said you’d got called into a last minute surgery, but you’d check later when you both returned to the apartment you now called your home. Either way, you were going to have to make something to take with you, just in case. 

As your grandpa had always said, there was no quicker way to someone’s heart than through their stomach. Or, as in Spencer's case, with an unlimited supply of Jello...

[cranberryjuice-posts]

- this butch this butch -

Pairings - Butch Abby x housewife! Milf! reader

IMPORTANT - takes Place in the 40’s / Abby is referred to as Abby and is written with He/Him pronouns UNTIL reader finds out she’s a she

If ur currious what the Lingerie looked like

Tw - SHITTY SMUT‼️‼️ oral sex, fingering, erm that’s abt it guys it takes place in the 40’s idk 🧍‍♀️🧍‍♀️

An - the smut is like kinda at the end and short bc idk

Rushing around the house you struggled to prepare dinner. Tonight was important, your father had decided to come by for dinner bringing along his understudy Andy Anderson, your husband was currently out in the living room entertaining your father and your baby girl June was currently playing on the kitchen floor with her blocks.

“Ok ok.. steak for main course and I’ll do lobster bisque for the appetizer” you mumbled while grabbing the ingredients you needed.

“Mama” your daughter asked from where she sat, walking over to your todler you crouched down to her smiling. “Yes baby?”

“Square” she held up a block. Letting out a content sigh you took the wooden toy from your daughter, setting it aside you kissed her forehead. “Yes baby that’s a square, now mommy has to take care of dinner ok so be a good girl and play with your toys” Getting back up you returned to your meal prep.

After an hour the door opened, stepping in John. As he entered the kitchen your dusted the flour off of your hands while he found his way over to you, bending down he placed a soft kiss on your lips before heading towards the liquor cabinet. “John.. common I’m making dinner and June is up, can’t you wait until later”

He didn’t respond. “John p—“

“I heard you the first time” he snapped. Your breath caught in your throat, being married to your husband for the past 6 years you’ve learned quickly about his temper. And his hand.

Nodding slowly you started baking again. Checking on your soup June started crying as she hit her hand on a chair. “Your daughter is crying” John spoke as he prepared two glasses. “Yes.. uh could you please get her I’m sorry I’m just busy with dinner”

John however ignored you, walking out while heading back towards the living room. “God..” you sighed with your daughter practically screaming, before you could walk over to her the door opened once again making you pause in your step, being faced to face with a long forgotten crush of yours.. Andy . “Oh my god Andy I— please you don’t-“ you stumbled against your words while you tried to clean yourself up some. Andy chuckled shaking his head while picking up June. “It’s ok, I don’t mind helping out”

“Thank you” giving him a grateful smile. Sitting down at the counter Andy started to watch as your Finshed your meal. Normally you preferred being in the kitchen alone, but Andy was different. Being around him made you happy, it also didn’t help that he was insanely attractive. His strong arms and short well kept Blonde hair, and for some reason being around him gave you this flustered feeling. It was a wonder how he hadn’t been swooped up by some lucky woman .“so how’s your marriage going” Andy asked drawing your attention.

“Hm? Me oh it’s going.. nothing to bad though” you chuckled trying to make light of the situation. “Oh by the way Andy could you please take June out and set her in her high chair? You’d be doing me a major favor” you pleadingly asked, he of coursed nodded leaving to do as you asked.

——

All you asked for was a normal dinner. Sitting across the table from you was Andy. You knew he liked you, you may of been younger than him by a couple years but you could tell how he tried to peek at your cleavage through your dress or how he appreciated your victory curls. Though you didn’t mind the attention as it was more than you received from your husband.

Cleaning up the now emptied plates, you smiled as your dad complimented your cooking skills. “Aw dad it’s nothing to write home about”

“Ha! As if im Gonna Need you to start cookin for me every night” he laughed pulling a cigar out his pocket. Going outside you expected your husband to follow him the same as Andy only this time he followed you to the kitchen. “Well I think tonight went gr—“ the next thing you knew your jaw hit the sink then you laid on the floor.

“First thing Sunday you will go to the priest and confess about how you practically eye fucked another man infront of me.” John simply spoke while adjusting his shirt sleeve. “What?” You quietly asked, your tears staining the floor bellow you.

He scoffed. “Don’t act suprised you knew what you were doing. I saw how you act with Andy. Clean yourself up and get this nasty kitchen cleaned as well” he harshly spoke before leaving.

———

“Annnd here’s mommy” Andy smiled as he brought June into the kitchen, your daughter laughing excitedly. Almost immediately Andy noticed your closed off stance. Setting your daughter down He mumbled “Go find your grandpa ok” making sure the young girl was gone he made his way towards you

“What’s wrong” he asked standing behind you. You both had known each-other for a few years at this point, thus a friendship had grown over time. “Nothing” you mumbled.

He knew. You knew he knew. It was obivous. A small stain of blood on the floor, the first aid kit open and your formerly perfect curls now distressed.

Letting out a deep sigh he moved to be Standing beside you at the sink, now rinsing off the dishes he stayed quiet. “I’ve got it Andy”

He shrugged his shoulders “I know.”

“Andy this is a woman’s job please” You tried to push him back only he didn’t move. Giving up you stepped back watching while Andy finished off the plates putting them now in the drying rack.

Turning around He dried his hands before gently grabbing your face, rubbing a thumb over your bruising cheek and jaw. His critical gaze felt as though he knew how you felt. Your pain. Your cheeks flushed somewhat from his touch. Without realizing it you leaned into Andy kissing him.

A moment later you pulled back realizing he hadn’t kiss you back. “I’m sorry” you covered the bottom half of your face while holding your head low. “No no.. it’s not you trust me” his tone shocked as he quickly tried to assure you— you were in the right by squeezing your arms. “Your absolutely perfect in every way it’s just that.. there’s some stuff about me that you wouldn’t approve of, that would make you reject me”

Looking up confused you tilted your head. “What is it..” keeping eye contact with him. You knew he wouldn’t tell you without you putting up a fight. “I swear on everything Andy that I won’t tell.. if I do then you can tell John how I kissed you…. So please what is it” debating for a moment he finally sighed giving into you. Taking his hands away from you but keeping your bodies close he untucked his shirt pulling it open.

That’s when you realized it. Andy wasn’t a man.. rather he was a woman. “Your..”

“Yeah..” she sighed, Closing her shirt. “My Name is Abigail— Abby for short, not Andy. Legally a few years ago I changed my name to Andy because I couldn’t stand the thought of being a mans wife. So I changed. I changed everything about me and I ended up landing a pretty good spot at your fathers company” she slightly chuckled.

You kept your hands towards your chest. Out of everything Andy actually being named Abigail and being a woman was not what you expected. Pulling your eyes away from Abby you finally reached out, softly touching her chest which was covered by a thin tanktop. You felt the woman’s breath falter.

Standing on your tippy toes once again you placed your lips onto Abby’s. It was a quick peck. “Your not disgusted” she asked quietly with her hands on the counter behind you. “No.. if anything you being a woman makes you even more attractive”

That was all it took before Abby quickly jerking you into her kissing you hungerily. Bringing your hands to the girls face and wrapping an arm around her neck you deepend the kiss with Abby’s hands finding that special spot in your back as if to say ‘she’s got you’.

You’ve heard of lesbians before. It was a new term but still far away from being a socially acceptable term. From an early age you knew you liked women. It was hard not to but you knew that it was either conform to society and marry a man, have a kid and a family or be an outcast and alone forever. However in this moment you were prepared to throw everything out of the window if it meant to be with her

Pulling back you panted keeping Abby close. “John’s gonna leave.. he says it’s because the office needs him but I know he’s going to fuck his secretary. Midnight come by at 12, I know he won’t be back til morning and June will be long asleep” stepping back from the woman you tried to fix your curls in the mirror on the liquor cabinet. “The back door will be unlocked for you”

“What are You saying” she chuckled fixing her shirt some, Abby’s cheeks were completely red. “You know what I’m saying..” looking back over at her, there was this unspoken agreement between you both.

“Ok. I’ll be back at 12:00am sharp” she gave a small smile, kissing you softly once again.

———

Just as You Said John had left soon after your father. Spending the next hour you put June to bed, now leaving you with three hours to get ready.

Once midnight came around Abby walked in through the back door of your house finding it unlocked like you promised. Making her way upstairs she stopped at your door. Hesitant like this was all some fucked up dream. After a small mental pep talk she softly knocked on the door before stepping in.

Stepping inside the woman paused. You stood by your bed wearing a black lingerie set. The simple black bra and silk shorts with fishnets underneath. A few candles were lit and your hair redone. Shyly standing fiddling with your hands.

“My god.” Abby spoke breathless as she closed the door. Walking to you she held your hips admiring your body. “I.. I tried, um.. I had originally got this for John and I’s sixth anniversary but I figured this was a much better occasion”

Abby leaned forward trailing soft kisses from your jaw to your lips. Her hands dragged up loving your skin while you kissed. Bitting your bottom lip you let out a soft moan allowing Abby to slip her tongue in.

The kiss repeating multiple times until she pushed you down onto the bed. Her knee finding itself between your legs. “Off” she whispered. “What?” You asked breathless. Abby hooked her finger under the bra strap pulling it down. Once realizing you quickly took the top off setting it aside.

The blonde kissed down your neck, finding her way to your breast. Licking over the sensitive nipple she smiled as you tried to hold back a moan. Sucking on your breast she showed the same love towards the other with her hand.

She rhymathically rubbed her knee against your aching core. Covering your mouth you tried your best to hide a loud cry. Feeling yourself grow wetter you couldn’t help but start to grind your hips against the woman’s leg.

“Abby..” you softly cried grabbing at her short mannish hair. “I know sweet girl I know” she whispered still kissing your chest. Switching her mouth to the second revelishing in the fact you never felt like this with your husband.

Letting go of your nipple with a pop like sound she stood up from where she previously was. Taking off her suspenders Abby made quick work of her button down and pants leaving her in her briefs and wife beater pleaser. Taking a moment to admire Abby’s muscular physique, you looked away embarrassed

Getting down into her knees she pulled you to the edge of the bed. Bringing your underwear and fishnet socks down Abby had to restrain herself from loosing control. After your daughter birth you never managed to loose all the pregnancy weight, your lower half of stomach having a noticeable pudge with dark stretch marks.

Feeling Abby’s eyes on you, you tried to hide your stomach with your hands however she forced them away. “Abby please it’s disgusting”

“Oh sweet sweet girl.. it’s the furthest thing from disgusting, baby I’m having to restrain myself even now from fucking your senseless. You are the most attractive woman I’ve ever laid eyes on”

Her words making you turn red. Embarrassed still you stopped resisting Abby’s gaze and let yourself relax. Watching as the woman positioned herself between you, she looked up asking for your permission. You nodded at first which she didn’t appreciate “common sweet girl I need you to give me a yes or I’m not doing anything”

“Yes damnit Abby” you whined. She grinned at your neediness, not wanting to make you wait any longer she leaned in kissing your clit.

A whole new feeling of pleasure courses through your body as you felt Abby start to suck on your sensitive bud. Lapping her tongue through your folds and even teasing your throbbing hole.

Trying to keep quiet you gave soft breathy moans while having a firm grip on her hair. Abby tightly held your thighs as she continued to sloppily lick at you, your juices running down her chin.

Abby looked up at you slapping your thigh to get your attention you looked down. Her free hand now running lines with her thumb over your sopping cunt. “You keep your eyes on me, if you don’t then I’ll stop” agreeing faster than you should of you kept your gaze down at the blonde

Abby knew she wasn’t one to deny you, almost immediately going back to what she had previously been doing.

After taking a few moments she slipped a finger into you. Moaning loud you covered your mouth worried your daughter might wake up. There was a momentarily pause where you both kept an ear out incase June had indeed woken up. You could feel Abby laughing against your leg making you softly hit you with your thigh.

She rolled her eyes before moving back down between your legs. Her thick finger moving in and out as she continued to suck on your clit you felt a long forgotten feeling building up. Abby knew you were close, by how your breath started to increase and how you started to grind yourself against her face wanting— needing more.

Before you realized it yourself you had came. Falling back as you had no strength to keep yourself up, Abby continued to lick at you until you were completely cleaned.

Coming back up she towered over you pinning you down to the bed capturing you in one final kiss.

———

Laying in your bed together both nude you laughed softly as abby held you close finding one of the dumb jokes she had told you amusing. Hiding your face in her neck you realized that this was where you always wanted to be. To be in her arms, to be in her bed, hearing her dumb jokes, To be her wife.

“Abby” you mumbled against her skin.

“Yeah” she Hummed while playing with one of your curls. “John’s gettin enlisted into the army for the war. He told me a week ago. He leaves in a few days.. while he’s gone if he comes back alive I’ll divorce him and if he dies it’ll make this next part easier.” You spoke with a gentle tone.

Pulling back from Abby you shifted around until you sat up looking down at her. “I’ve known you since I was 18.. the past 8 years I couldn’t of asked for a better friend and now I know what I want.. Abigail Anderson. I want you to be mine.. in public you will be my husband but behind closed doors, in the comfort of our home and in our bedroom away from prying eyes you will be my wife”

Abby stayed quiet for a moment. Trying to search her eyes for an answer you noticed as the strong woman started to cry. Worried you said something wrong you tried to speak but were quickly cut off by her sitting up to kiss you. “I would like nothing more then that.. my wife” she pulled you into her hugging you close.

[whatsnewalycat]

Designated Person | 10

Pairing: Francisco “Catfish” Morales x F!Reader

Chapter 10: Flat Tire

Rating: Explicit (18+ only)

Word Count: 6.9k+ (nice)

Tags / Warnings: reader pov, infidelity, past romantic & sexual relationship, angst, food & eating, blackout, movie references, car problems, alcohol & alcoholism, 12-step programs, lying, conflict avoidance, crying crying crying sorry, internal conflict, monologue, toxic relationships but listen we're tryna get better, journal entries, nightmares, ptsd, flashback

Notes: WHAT UP PARTY PEOPLE?? MAKE SOME NOIIIISE (insert dallas buyers club matthew mcconaughey scream crying in his car). Sorry for being a bummer lol sometimes growth hurts but we're gonna get thru this I swear. Ok thank u let me know what you think!!!

[ Previous Chapter ][ Series Masterlist ][ My Masterlist ]

-----

Blackouts work like magic. 

One second you’re perched on a barstool, trying not to sway or slur your words while ordering another drink, and the next you’re jolted awake by the thud of a door closing. 

Heart pounding in your chest, you sit up and look around, breathing a sigh of relief to see you somehow made it to your bedroom last night. 

You grab your phone off the side table, swiping away the missed calls from Frankie and Leah, then discover that you apparently re-downloaded a dating app in your alcohol-induced fugue state. Judging by the number of reply messages in your inbox, you must have hit up every man in the tri-county area who was “looking for a good time.”

Perfect. Of course you did. Why wouldn’t you? Bad decisions and dick has never ever steered you wrong. 

You read one typo-filled exchange between yourself and Russ K, 34, before deactivating the account and uninstalling the app. 

When you set your phone back on the nightstand, you notice a mason jar filled with ice water and frown. Beside it sits a small plastic container holding four neon orange tablets and two white tablets. A sticky note on the table reads ‘Went to a meeting, be back this afternoon’ in Frankie’s handwriting. 

Alarm trickles through your veins and inspires a wave of nausea you can’t ignore. Clasping your hand over your mouth to hold down the rising bile, you jump out of bed and beeline to the bathroom. 

After emptying the sparse contents of your stomach into the toilet, you lean back against the cool tile wall and search the ceiling for answers. How did you get home last night? Did you say anything to Frankie? 

You think about the ice water and over-the-counter pills left on your nightstand, then think about the note Frankie left. However you got home, he must know you were hammered. Which means you definitely interacted with him while blacked out. Do you even want to know what you said to him? 

Mortification twists your stomach when you imagine the possibilities. You could have tried to fuck him or murder him or anything in between. Given how you feel about him right now, it’s impossible to predict. That fact alone makes your mouth start to sweat again. 

So… no, you don’t want to know what you said to him when you were drunk. You don’t want to know how you got home or why the fuck your hair is damp. All you want is to get through this fucking day without hurling again. Maybe greasy food and a NASCAR nap, too. 

With this new clear goal in mind, you pick yourself up off the bathroom floor and set about making your low-stakes dream a reality. 

—

You wake on the couch to the soothing lull of commentators giving a play-by-play of the Rays versus Yankees game. A thick web of fatigue clings to you, fighting against your efforts to open your eyes and sit upright. 

“Hey.” 

Instinctively, you look towards the noise at the other end of the couch, locking eyes with Frankie. His face droops with this wounded expression that gets under your skin. Diverting your gaze to the TV, you cross your arms and try to keep your demeanor aloof despite the deep ache in your chest. 

“How are you feeling?” 

You choke out a humorless laugh and shake your head, keeping your eyes trained on the screen. A few tense seconds go by before he accepts that you will not be answering his ludicrous question, so he takes an alternative approach. 

“I brought home cubanos from that place you like. For, um… for family dinner. If you still wanted to do that.” 

Home, he says, as if the word meant something to him. As if he didn’t match every brick you laid in the foundation of this relationship with paper mache blocks. As if he didn’t take a wrecking ball to whole fucking thing regardless. 

Maybe to him home is just a place he rests his head at night, not where he anchors his heart. A matter of physical location rather than a feeling. You, on the other hand… never felt quite at home in this house until he started living here. 

Are you crazy for having felt like that? Like home was a space you held with him and him alone? 

Your parents were right. You make too much of things. You’re overdramatic. 

Why would he love you? Why would he choose you over his wife? You knew what you were getting into when this started. 

Stupid girl. 

“I understand if you don’t want to, though.” 

His voice brings you back to yourself. You blink hot tears from your eyes, then wipe them from your cheeks, trying to hold yourself together despite the whisper of ‘stupid girl stupid girl stupid girl’ at the back of your head. 

“Can we… can we at least talk about it?” 

You wince as a fresh batch of tears surges up your throat. Rising to your feet, you shake your head and manage to choke out, “Just forget it,” before fleeing to your bedroom. 

—

I slept most of the day yesterday so it took me forever to fall asleep. Also Frankie was walking around the house all night. At 11ish, I heard him talking on the phone, then I think someone picked him up. I texted him to see where he went because I’m unfortunately still his designated person. He said he was with someone from AA and he’d be back soon, just needed to talk. I couldn’t fall asleep until I heard him come in at 1. He wasn’t stumbling around so I’m guessing he was sober??? Hopefully he was. I don’t want this to get in the way of his recovery. Which I sort of hate. I wish I could delete the feelings I have for him. I wish I didn’t care. But I guess I do, so… I don’t know. This fucking sucks. Leah said I should kick him out, but I don’t want to fuck up his program. Maybe I’ll talk to Ralph today and see what he thinks. The thing is… the more people I talk to, the more I just want to talk to Frankie. Nobody makes me feel like he does. More than the lies, this is what bothers me the most. The fact that I can feel this way and he just doesn’t. I don’t understand how he can’t feel it, too. I thought this was real. But I guess I always do. I guess he’s just a really good liar and I am just a stupid girl. 

Tossing the notebook aside, you sit up to grab your mug off the side table. Wisps of steam rise from the coffee and dissolve into the air. The image blurs as a thick, wretched sensation twists up your throat. 

God fucking damnit. 

Every time you think you have no more tears left to cry, you prove yourself wrong. They just keep coming. Yesterday you waded in and out of these sudden fits where crying was all you could do. It reminds you of all the other times he broke your heart, but especially the last time. 

After Angie caught the two of you fucking, part of you hoped that maybe she would leave him. From what you understand, though, he convinced her to stay. Called you a mistake. An ‘isolated incident’ or whatever. Fucking asshole. 

Anyway. 

Seeing each other became logistically and emotionally difficult. Participating in an affair is much easier when it’s still a secret, for obvious reasons. He tried to see you when he could, which wasn’t nearly as frequent as you wanted. When you did see him, he was drunk. You’d pick him up from the bar, or he’d come over after Angie went to bed, but he was always at least five drinks in and counting. 

You bailed him out of jail twice in those six months. Once for drinking and driving, once for getting in a fight over a fucking pool game, of all things. 

He seemed so walled-off from you, too. Like he detached from his emotions when he saw you. Maybe it was because of the liquor, but a million other reasons are just as likely. After sex, he would leave. The sex was… well, it was still good, but… different. Rougher, impersonal. It felt less like making love and more like fucking. 

You still loved him, though. You still had fantasies of having a real, normal relationship with him. Despite all the evidence to the contrary, you still wanted to believe that he was meant to be with you. 

Stupid girl stupid girl stupid girl

And then, well… 

Your phone starts to ring. It’s Ralph. 

You take a few quick sips of your coffee, then set the mug aside to answer. 

“Hello?”

“Hey, kiddo. Do you have a minute?” 

His tone, less jovial than normal, gives you a small burst of anxious energy.

“Sure, what’s up?” 

“I just got off the phone Mr. Morales and he briefed me on the, ahhh… situation over there.” 

Unsure what to say, you fold an arm over your belly and stare down at your lap. 

“I understand that things are a bit tense due to an incident that occurred on Saturday, is that correct?” 

“Yeah,” you nod, voice wavering, “Yeah, I, um… I overheard him talking to Angie, and… well, basically I found out he’s been lying to me.” 

It sounds so pathetic when you say it out loud. 

“Uh-huh. He lied about the nature of his relationship with Mrs. Morales.” 

“Correct.” 

You prepare for Ralph to tell you it’s not a big deal. Brace yourself for the inevitable scoff, or for him to accuse you of overreacting. 

So he lied to you, so what? You knew who he was. You knew he had a family to keep together. You should have known better than to get involved with him. Stupid girl, why would you put yourself in that position in the first place? 

“And this isn’t the first time he lied to you about this particular matter, am I understanding correctly?” 

“Well…” you frown and shake your head, “No, not really. When we were together before, he was pretty explicit that he wouldn’t leave her. I just… I just thought… I don’t know. It’s dumb. I’m fucking dumb.” 

Ralph doesn’t respond right away, so you add, “Sorry. I’m still in my feelings.” 

“Don’t sweat it, I think I’m picking up what you’re putting down,” he pauses here to clear his throat, then recounts, “Before, he told you leaving her wasn’t a possibility. And despite my warning going into this, the two of you re-established your romantic relationship, he told you that kind of relationship was effectively over with his wife. Which wasn’t true.” 

“Correct.” 

“Ok. Got it. Has Mr. Morales exhibited any unusual or suspicious behavior since the incident on Saturday?”

After thinking about it, you tell him, “I wouldn’t call this suspicious exactly, but yesterday he left a note saying he was going to an AA meeting, which isn’t normal. And late last night someone picked him up. I texted him to check in and he said he was with someone from AA, talking.” 

“Do you believe he was being truthful?” 

“Yeah, I do,” you shrug, “I mean, I’m obviously not the best at detecting his bullshit, but I’ve seen him under the influence more times than I can count and he didn’t seem… like that.” 

“Well, that’s good. And it’s good you checked in with him, I take that as a positive. You are still responsible for him while he’s on parole.” He sighs, “Which brings me to my next question. Are you thinking you want to continue serving as his designated person, or should we start looking for alternatives?” 

A lump rises in your throat. You swallow it down, wincing at the tears that burn behind your eyes, “I, um… I’m not sure yet. Can I have a few days to think it over?” 

“Sure. How about this. Why don’t you take some time, maybe go to one of those Al-Anon meetings I told you about, and I can stop by Saturday to have a sit down with you and Mr. Morales. Does that sound agreeable?” 

“Ok,” you nod, “Yeah, that sounds good. We can do that.”

“Alrighty then. I’ll shoot you an email with some details sometime today and we’ll go from there.” 

“Thanks, Ralph.” 

“Call me if anything comes up, ok kiddo?” 

“Will do.” 

After hanging up, you put in a load of laundry and wander around the house, stopping by the fridge to stare at the cubano Frankie brought home for you yesterday. You roll your eyes with annoyance as you grab it, then you return to the couch and put on Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. 

—

By the time Frankie comes home, you’re four feature films deep in your angsty post-breakup movie marathon and feeling indignant enough not to surrender the common space to him. 

His eyebrows do this little surprised jump when your eyes meet his, and he glances at the TV, “Reality Bites?” 

You don’t respond, just curl deeper into the couch and return your attention to Ethan Hawke’s spiteful cover of Add It Up.

He kicks off his work boots and walks into the kitchen, coming back a minute later to ask, “If I make something for dinner, will you eat it?” 

Your stomach rumbles at the thought of food. Without looking at him, you shrug. 

Accepting the non-verbal answer, Frankie returns to the kitchen and starts bumbling around, cussing and grumbling under his breath. Eventually, though, he seems to get the hang of it. 

Just as the end credits of Reality Bites start rolling, he enters the living room holding two plates and sets one on the coffee table for you, then takes a seat at the opposite end of the couch. 

You sit up, crossing your legs as you pull the offering into your lap, and toss the remote control to his side of the dividing cushion. He wordlessly searches for something else to watch while you study the avocado-filled hot dog buns. 

“What is this?” you ask. 

“Completo. Hot dog topped with good shit, basically. Avocado, tomato, onion, condiments.” He selects play on Moulin Rouge, then looks at you and shrugs, “Ma would make it for me when I had a bad day.” 

You stare at him for a moment, then roll your eyes and shake your head as you turn to the TV, “I see what you’re doing.” 

“What’s that?” 

“Kissing my ass.” 

He chuckles, shifting a little, “Yeah, well… yeah.” 

The movie starts to play. You don’t mention that this will be the second time you’ve seen it today because he probably knows that. After taking a bite of the completo, you hum at the mix of flavors and textures as you chew. 

“Good, right?” Frankie says through a mouthful. 

“Mmm,” you nod in agreement. 

He swallows, glancing between you and his food before asking, “Can I ask why you haven’t kicked me out yet?”

When you contemplate how to answer, the reasons all snarl into a tight knot of which you can’t quite make heads or tails. 

“No.” 

“Fair enough,” he murmurs, letting his gaze linger on you, “Do you want me to give you some privacy, or…? Because I can go—” 

“It doesn’t matter, Francisco, just stop talking.” 

“Ok, but—” 

You hold your hand up to him, “Shhhhhh.”

He sighs, but accepts the silence. Tension resides in the air at first, but slowly dissipates as you clear your plates, then settle into the couch. And although your eyes stay trained on the screen, you can’t make yourself pay attention. 

You keep wondering why he lied about being with Angie. He’s never had a problem making that clear in the past, even if it meant breaking your heart. Is it because he lives with you? It’s possible he didn’t want to risk getting kicked out, so he kept it a secret. 

Then why get involved with you again? Did he think this was the best way to stay in your good graces? Has he been manipulating you this whole time? 

It’s possible. It’s also possible you’re another one of his bad habits he can’t kick. A coping mechanism. Disposable, like always. 

You remember the night you asked him to come over so you could talk to him about something important. He promised to be there at eight o’clock, which is when you planted yourself on the front porch swing to wait for him. At nine o’clock, his truck came rumbling down the street and parked in front of the house. 

“What’re you doing out here?” he smirked as he climbed the porch steps. 

“Waiting for you,” you glared at him, observing his fluid movements when he plopped down beside you.

“I went and got a drink, lost track of time.” 

He wrapped an arm around your shoulders and drew your stiff body closer to kiss your cheek.

Something hot flared in your chest, and you distinctly remember wishing he would show up sober for once. This wasn’t the scab you wanted to pick, though. 

He tilted your chin up, pressing his lips to yours, breath heavy with whiskey, then pulled back to frown at your lackluster response. His body swayed a little as he studied you, “What?” 

“I need to talk to you.” 

“Ok,” he leaned away from you with a scoff, “Well, I’m here. Talk to me. Tell me how I fucked up this time.” 

You winced, “Don’t do that.” 

Crossing his arms, he stared at you, all fucking wobbly and drunk, irritation folding his facial features. He shrugged, “Do what?” 

“That! You’re being an asshole.” 

“Oh, I’m being an asshole?” he mocked, “How’s that?” 

Rage simmered beneath your skin. You let out a chuckle of disbelief, shaking your head as tears pooled in your eyes. After taking a moment to gather yourself, you spit out, “Do you love me?” 

“Do I—?” he furrowed his brow like he didn’t understand, shifting in his seat, “Do I love you?” 

“Yes, Frankie. Do you fucking love me or not?” 

His indignation melted. Shoulders slumping, gaze going soft. He swallowed hard and looked out at the street as if searching for an escape hatch. Emergency brake. Make it stop. 

“Because I love you. I’ve been in love with you for so long… and-and I still don’t know what the fuck I am to you.” 

He seemed frozen, staring at something a million miles away without sparing a reaction. 

Nine months later, you can still feel the frantic vibration of your bones when you moved closer and cupped his cheeks, forcing him to look at you. When his eyes met yours, they were so cold and vacant that you barely recognized him. You tried to get through anyway. 

“I need you right now, Frankie. But I need all of you. I can’t be on the back burner anymore. I need you to be with me or I need to let you go.” 

“You know I can’t do that. I can’t be with you, not like that.” 

“But you could, though. You could. We could do this, we could make it work, start a life together—”

“I won’t leave her,” he shook his head, “I have a family—goddamnit, you knew what this was when it started.”

You sobbed, letting your hands fall away from his face, and his eyelids fluttered with the ghost of an emotion that you didn’t understand. 

He started, “I don’t—” then paused, tapping his clamped lips. His bloodshot eyes flicked around the porch and settled a million miles away again, “I don’t love you.” 

With this declaration, he took his chisel to you, lined it up in just the right spot, and gave it one firm tap. You crumbled at his feet. Shattered into dust. 

He got up and drove off while you were still bawling on the front porch swing. 

Onscreen, Toulouse-Lautrec shouts, “The greatest thing you’ll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return!” 

It hits you square in the chest. 

With tears brimming your eyelids, you jump up and flee to your bedroom before he can see them. 

—

Terrible nights sleep. Every time I drifted off, I was in the bedroom at my parents house but it wasn’t in my parents house. He was there but he wasn’t there. I don’t know how to explain it. I felt his presence but knew it wasn't him. I kept my eyes closed because I was scared to see, but I could hear him getting closer and closer. When I opened my eyes I woke up. The feeling stuck to me. It took me forever to fall back asleep and when I did it started over. 

Frankie didn’t go to work this morning. I don’t think he slept well either. Heard him walking around all night again. Idk if I should ask him what his deal is. I don’t want to talk to him about it yet and he’ll probably try to do that. Which is weird for him. A year ago I’d give anything for him to open up like he’s been trying to. But it hurts too much right now. It’s so messy. I’m all tangled. I need to straighten myself out before talking about it. 

I think I’m going to an al-anon meeting today and I’m nervous. Not sure what to expect. Keep worrying they’ll tell me I don’t belong there or make me talk about him. I don’t know if I belong there. I don’t know if I belong anywhere. 

Pulling back from your notebook, you stare at the last sentence for a while before closing the cover and setting it on the end table. 

Frankie walks out from his bedroom and rounds the corner to the living room, looking suspiciously formal, wearing slacks and a white dress shirt. His dark curls have been combed into a neat side part. It even looks like he trimmed his facial hair. 

As he peeks through the front window curtains, you blurt, “Are you wearing a fucking tie?” 

He looks surprised to hear you speak, raising his eyebrows as he glances down at himself, then up at you, “Yeah. I have a uhhh… a deposition today.” 

“Is that good or bad?” 

“Not really either. It’s normal, I guess. They’re just asking me questions on the record.” 

Nodding, you study his nervous demeanor, watching him reflexively go to lift his hat, faltering a little before running his fingers through his hair anyway. 

A desire to comfort him trickles through you, extinguishing the glowing embers of contempt inside your chest. 

“How is the case going, do you know?” 

The corner of his mouth pulls back into a kind of grimace. He takes another peek out the window, then steps back and shrugs as he approaches the couch, “The lawyer says they’ll probably offer a plea deal once this is over. We’ll see what that looks like.” He sits down at the other end of the couch, pulling out his phone to keep an eye on the little car on his rideshare app, “He thinks maybe they could agree to a reduced sentence.” 

You pick at your frayed cuticles, holding your tongue for as long as you can before asking, “How are you doing with… everything?” 

When you glance at him, his face is crooked with contemplation. He shifts in his seat and crosses his arms, lips parting with an answer. A notification dings on his phone. 

“My ride’s here,” he murmurs and meets your eyes with an apologetic expression, “We can talk about it later?” 

You give him a non-committal smile, “Good luck at your thing.” 

—

The woman who gave you your new member packet, apparently the leader of the meeting, looks around the room and announces,

“This afternoon, our fearless speaker will be Taylor. Everybody please welcome Taylor.”

From the back row, you sink down in your metal folding chair and glance around at the attendees, joining in when they start to clap for a woman approaching the podium. 

“Hi everyone, my name is Taylor. I’m a member of Al-Anon.” 

The room responds in unison, “Hi Taylor.” 

Taylor smiles and shakes her head, looking down at a small stack of trembling notecards. Her round shoulders raise with a deep breath. She closes her eyes for a moment, exhales, then looks up at the room. 

“If you would’ve told me a year ago I’d be the speaker at an Al-Anon group, there’s no way I’d believe you. But here I am,” she chuckles, “Wow. Thank you everyone for coming in today. I see so many familiar faces and some not so familiar faces and I’m grateful to see all of you. I’m proud of you for coming to this meeting today. 

“One of the biggest preconceived notions I had when I started attending Al-Anon meetings nine months ago is that they would help me support my alcoholic husband. At the time, he was about a month into sobriety and had just started going to AA meetings. He was struggling like hell and a friend of his asked if he wanted to go to an AA meeting with him. So he did. 

“I’ll be honest, when he suggested I go to Al-Anon, I was annoyed. I really was. At that point, we’d been married for five years. He tried quitting, oh, I don’t know… six times in that five years? Three 90-day inpatient rehab stays, two arrests, more sleepless nights than I can count.” 

Taylor pauses and looks down at her notes, then back up at the room as an amused smile spreads across her face. 

“What it always reminded me of was this story my husband told me. Every so often, he goes through these phases where he gets very very interested in a particular subject. It completely takes him over. All he wants to do is read about it and talk about it and… well, you get it. 

“When he was in his Greek mythology era, he told me about Sisyphus, the king of Ephyra. Sisyphus killed people who visited his palace, which angered the gods because they considered it impolite, which is the understatement of the millennium, but that’s neither here nor there. When Sisyphus died, Hades punished him to an eternity rolling a boulder uphill. He would fight his way up this steep hill, pushing the boulder with all his might. The boulder was enchanted, though, and every time the it got near the top, the boulder would roll back down the hill, then he’d have to try again. So he does this over and over and over for eternity. Infinite frustration and exhaustion. 

“Sometimes it felt like that with him. With my alcoholic. Like I was stuck in this loop, fighting like hell to push his dead weight to the top of the hill. Just when I got a scrap of hope, it went tumbling back down. Over and over and over again. I structured my whole life around his relationship to alcohol. Checking in with him constantly, making sure I didn’t say or do anything that might trigger another relapse, putting myself on the back burner to accommodate his needs. So when he suggested I try going to Al-Anon meetings, I expected it to be another chore catering to his sobriety. I thought I would come here and learn all the ways people support the alcoholic in their life the right way. Because I obviously wasn’t doing it the right way. If I was, he would have years of sobriety under his belt. 

“Regardless, I agreed to go, and quickly discovered my preconceived notions about Al-Anon were wrong. Al-Anon doesn’t exist for us to better service the alcoholic or alcoholics in our lives. Sure, we’re all here because of the alcoholic in our lives, but the point is to better service ourselves. I think that distinction is important. 

“When I came home from my first meeting, I went through the new member packet Mario gave me, and found a handout that said: Detachment is neither kind nor unkind,” Taylor nods at the memory and looks around the room, “That struck a chord with me, that phrase. Detachment is neither kind nor unkind. It didn’t make sense to me at first. I thought, how is detachment neither kind nor unkind? It went against my instincts completely. How was I supposed to help my husband if I detached from him? Isn’t love about being attached to someone, sticking together through thick and thin? 

“Attending meetings and working the steps helped me get a better grasp on the concept. I came to understand that, in Al-Anon, detachment can mean two different things. The first is separating the person you love from their alcoholic behaviors. The second is a little harder to define, but it centers around the idea that you are separate from other people, and their actions do not control yours. Let me show you what I mean, though.

“In my relationship with my husband, we were entangled,” Taylor laces her hands together and holds them up for everyone to see. “Wherever he went, I went, too.” She moves her clasped hands back and forth. Spreading her hands apart, she says, “I didn’t want to be apart from him. But what I found with detachment is,” she flattens her hands palm-to-palm, “We can be close without being entangled. That way, if he goes to a dark place,” she moves one hand away from the other and shakes her head, “I don’t have to go with him if I don’t want to.” 

Taylor looks around the room, allowing her words to sink in, then returns her attention to the stack of notecards and flips to the next. 

“When we detach in this way, it both relieves us of our perceived responsibility for their actions and emotions, and grants them autonomy to make their own choices. They deserve dignity and freedom, which is difficult to obtain if we try to manage their lives. 

“So often in our marriage, I thought that loving my alcoholic meant rescuing him from himself. I thought that if I exerted myself hard enough, pushed him up that steep hill long enough, we would get to the top together. But the effort was Sisyphean. It didn’t matter how much time or effort I put into controlling the direction of the boulder. It would always roll downhill, because the boulder was enchanted. Even if I spent an eternity trying, even if I begged and screamed and pleaded with the boulder, it would still be enchanted. And, you know… maybe that’s ok. Maybe he’s not meant to sit at the top of the hill. It’s not his fault, either, and I came to realize that instead of getting frustrated at him for being enchanted, I can meet him where he is and love him anyway. If I don’t like that place, I don’t have to stay there. When I detach with love, I grant myself autonomy as well as him. 

“Putting the metaphor aside, I’ve used this in practice by no longer lying for him. If he’s at an AA meeting and our daughter asks why he’s not home, I tell her the truth. When my family or friends ask how everything is going, I don’t try to make it seem easier than it is so he can save face. I confide in them with sincerity because that is what I need. I’ve stopped giving him advice unless he asks for it, because I’ve learned here that most times people don’t need advice, they just need someone to listen and be present. I’ve stopped trying to take the reins when I think he’s making poor decisions, because he doesn’t need someone to do it for him. He needs to learn to do it himself. Part of learning is making mistakes and growing out from beneath the consequences. 

“Detachment is neither kind nor unkind, it’s a tool we utilize to free ourselves and the alcoholic in our lives. Al-Anon doesn’t exist to teach us how to help the alcoholic in our lives, although the tools it gives us can aid in their recovery as well as ours. This fellowship exists to help us, the families of the alcoholic, so that we may lead more joyful and serene lives. Thank you.” 

Applause erupts from the crowd, and you join in, watching Taylor glow with pride as she steps away from the podium. 

—

Damp, hot air pours in through the rolled-down windows, carrying with it the earthy scent of algae-bloom off East Lake Tohopekaliga. Driving along the slow, steady curve, you pass by sprawling oak trees, their eaves all draped in spanish moss. 

Your hope was that taking the scenic route home would clear your head, but it’s not doing the trick. Something shifted inside you during the meeting. You can’t quite put your finger on exactly what shifted or why it happened, although your circular thoughts give you the sense you’re on the precipice of understanding. 

You keep thinking about the speaker, Taylor, and the lesson she relayed from her podium. Her situation is different from yours, but you know it all the same. You know how it feels to dig your heels into the dirt, struggling like hell to push someone in the direction you think is best. You know how it feels to see him tumble to the bottom time and time again. And for what? It’s not like he’s any better off because of your efforts. It’s not like you are, either. 

How many times have you betrayed yourself for the sake of his favor? How many times have you put your needs aside to tend to his? 

Calm blue-gray water flickers behind the trees you drive past. It looks peaceful. Further up the road, you spot a public access point to the lake and turn into the lot, hitting a bump. When you do, a loud BANG reverberates through the car. The steering wheel shakes as you slow to a jerky, lopsided stop.

“You’ve gotta be fucking kidding me,” you fume, shifting the car into park. Folding forward onto the steering wheel, you pinch your eyes shut and take a deep breath, then exit the vehicle to look at the damage. 

The front driver’s side tire sits flat against the pavement. You stare at it and shake your head, muttering, “God fucking damnit,” before walking to the trunk. 

You open it and pull up the mat to the spare tire well. It’s empty. 

“Fucking of course. Jesus fucking—” 

Cutting yourself off with a furious groan, you pull out your phone and go through your contact list, pointedly scrolling past the F’s to pause at Leah, who’s over an hour away, then Marla, who’s busy enough as it is. You even briefly consider Rory, but the idea makes your stomach lurch. 

You could just do it all yourself. Order a car on one of those rideshare apps. It would take forever, though, and you’ve never changed a tire before. 

Frankie is the logical choice. The first person who came to mind, if you’re being honest. Something hard and stubborn inside your chest throbs when you hover over his name. 

It’s pride, you realize. Maybe a little fear. You don’t want to ask for his help. You don’t want to burden him. You don’t want to be disappointed if he says no. 

All the same, you dial his number. He picks up on the second ring. 

“H—”

“Are you at the house?”  

“I am.” 

“Are you busy?” 

“Nothing I can’t put off ‘til later. Why?” 

“My fucking tire blew out, and my spare is in the garage,” you sigh and throw your head back, propping a hand on your hip, “Is there any way you can bring it out to me?” 

“I, umm… yeah, of course. Where are you?” 

“East Lake Toho.”

He snorts, “Christ, what’re you doing all the way out there?” In the background, you hear the floorboards creaking, mapping his way through the house. Before you can respond, he asks, “Spare tire in the garage, need me to grab anything else?” 

“Uhhhh…” you wrinkle your nose at the trunk, “I don’t know, I have a jack and the tire iron thing.” 

“That should do it. Wanna drop me a pin? I’ll have to get a ride out there.” 

“Yeah. I can pay you back if you need to order a Lyft or whatever.” 

“Just take it off my tab,” he jokes, the back door squeaking open behind his voice, “Hang tight, I’ll be there in a bit.”

You turn around to lean back on the bumper, “Ok, I’ll be here.” 

After hanging up, you share your location with him, then wander down to the dock. It rattles around as you teeter to the end and sit down, letting your feet dangle over the edge. 

Cattails and lily pads have been cleared from the shoreline near the boat landing, giving you a clear view across the lake, broken up here and there by thick swaths of aquatic vegetation. The glassy surface of the water reflects the hazy blue sky, and stagnant air sticks humid to your skin. Insects buzz and birds sing and somewhere far away you hear a boat motor chugging across the lake. 

When you think of serenity, this is what you picture. Stillness and calm. Peace. You inhale the scene, allowing it to stretch out inside you and unfurl your tensed muscles. 

As soon as the unease evaporates from your body, fatigue takes over.  

Lying back on the dock, you stare up at tall, fluffy clouds littering the sky. Your eyelids grow heavy as you watch the slow-moving parade of shifting giants, the warm air lulling you into comfort until you let your eyes drift closed. 

Your awareness fades in and out while you sleep. At one point, a car door shuts, then the car drives off. Vaguely, you know it’s Frankie but can’t lift your limbs, syrupy thick with lethargy. You hear grunts and metallic clattering. Some time later, your trunk slams shut. 

When the dock starts wobbling around beneath you, you blink your eyes open and sit up, scrubbing your hands over your face as a yawn overtakes you. 

“Hey sleepyhead.” 

You glance over your shoulder at Frankie, who comes to sit down beside you with a groan. He’s back to his usual attire, jeans and a t-shirt, baseball cap firmly in place atop his head. 

Still groggy, you yawn, “I couldn’t make myself wake up.” 

“Not sleeping well?” 

“Fucking awful, honestly.” 

“Yeah, I know.” 

You frown at him, searching his face until he gives you a little shrug, at which point you mumble, “Oh. I forgot that I, umm… yeah. Sorry.” 

“No need to apologize,” he tells you, squinting up at the sky before dropping his eyes to his hands as he fiddles with his wedding band, “Same here. The—the sleep part, not the nightmares.” 

“Yeah, I know. I hear you pacing around at night.” 

“Oh… sorry, I didn’t realize—”

You push yourself up straighter to watch his legs dangle next to yours, “It’s fine.” 

Quiet settles comfortably between you. Near the dock, you see a cluster of bubbles rise to the surface of the lake and burst. The ripples flatten out and calm returns. 

A question swells in your ribcage. Just a small pocket of air at first, maybe the size of a pebble. The longer you sit and stare at the water, though, it expands. It works its way up your throat, taking up more and more space with each passing second until you can’t contain it any more. 

“So you were lying to me, right? About not being with her?” 

He meets your gaze, dark eyes all remorseful and gooey, then he nods, “Yeah. I was lying. To both of you.” 

Folding your legs up onto the dock, you look away in the hope that he won’t notice the tears starting to come. When he speaks, his voice comes out hoarse and quiet. 

“How much do you want me to tell you?” 

The question replaces the air in your lungs with a vibrating sensation. Another cluster of bubbles dissolve on the surface of the lake. You manage to croak, “I don’t know.” 

He doesn’t respond. You sense that he’s waiting for you to make the next move. 

Your mind wanders to the front porch swing that night you forced him to choose. He felt so far away. Until he told you differently, you were so certain he was in love with you. 

“I don’t know how to trust your words as truth, Frankie. All the way back to the start, I don’t know what was real and what was bullshit and I am fucking—” your voice cracks from the emotion burning up your throat. 

He goes to comfort you, but pulls back before making contact. 

Every cell inside you aches for him to bridge the gap. You follow the instinct, grabbing his shirt to curl into his shoulder. As soon as you do, he wraps his arms tight around you, bringing you in closer. 

A wave of moth-eaten hurt wells up your chest. 

“Why?” you sob, “Why did you do this to me? I don’t understand—”

He starts to rock you in a slow, soothing motion, burying his face in your hair as you cry into the collar of his shirt. In the background, behind your racing thoughts and shattered breaths, you hear him whisper on repeat: I’m sorry, baby… I’m so sorry.

[sophies-junkyard]

NOBODY ASKED but… Obviously Simon’s arc in adventure time solidified the series as one of greatest of all time (and I’m so hyped for this ice king sadness renaissance) but now I’m thinking of OTHER Adventure Time moments that rewired my brain as a kid. In no particular order:

1. “Once the strong guys got it how they liked it they said ‘this is fair now. This is the law.’ Once they were winning they changed the rules”. They really had the cartoon dog say that on tv in 2014.

2. “People get built different. We don’t have to understand it, we just gotta respect it”

3. The entirety of All The Little People. That shit was absolutely nuts for a kids show but also like…. I can’t articulate the lesson I just know there was one and it haunted me. The danger of the human ego. Hubris. Irreverence. Don’t play god bro.

4. Lady and Peebles. When PB ripped Ricardio’s leg off and bashed his skull in with it. And it was so hardcore they edited it out of the episode. Bro. I remember watching that after school one day and how my jaw just DROPPED at a PRINCESS being so brutal. They let her be so fucking angry and that was a game changer.

5. [Finn, about a horrific memory] “that one’s going in the vault. Aaaaaaaaaandd. It’s gone.” I quote that CONSTANTLY. It’s a great way to bring levity to a bad situation, but also forces me to go “hey wait a sec that’s not gonna work forever”. Things don’t stay in the vault.

6. Puhoy. He lived an entire life in that pillow world. He had kids. And then it’s just gone like a dream.

7. The deer. It was probably my first real introduction to horror. The hand wiggle. You all know exactly what I’m referencing. Were the candy people stuck in that well for 6 months???

8. What Was Missing!! Obviously now because it foreshadowed (and confirmed past) Bubbline, but back then just because it was so good??? IMO, this is the episode that defined WHO our main cast was, and how their relationships needed to grow for them to be content. It set up the next 6 years of the show! Plus it gave us 2 absolute BANGERS. Ugh i rewatched that recording so many times it wasn’t even funny.

9. Ghost Princess. Really just for the line where he sounds like he’s gonna shit his pants remembering his death and then in a clear narrator voice he’s like “I was a broken man.”

10. The pajama war episode. Now I’m doing this from memory so I could be wrong, but I think this really marks the start of Finn growing up. “I’ve really enjoyed just… hanging out with you.” The ability to start over with someone you’ve got complicated history with. The kindness. The growth from both of them!! It’s a direct parallel of episode 1 but their tones couldn’t be more different and I love it.

11. The slow and horrifying realization that The Mushroom War was nuclear Armageddon. Mushroom clouds. That went so far over my head as a kid even though they reference it constantly. It finally clicked during “I remember you”. Which I am NOT gonna go into because holy fuck that’s like 18 posts on its own.

12. Goliad! A child mirroring EVERYTHING they see, for better or worse. Seeing Jake in a bad moment screaming at the kids and goliad absorbing that behavior. Seeing she can use fear to control people. Also PB was Fucking Crazy! Her line “I’m not gonna live forever… I would if I could” is even more unhinged when we learn (like years later) that she’s already 900 years old. But she does physically age so I guess there’s that. The Suitor also falls into this category of episodes.

Ok getting into some of the more talked about moments

1. OK I LIED I have to talk about I remember you. I was 11 years old. I turned on the new adventure time episode like usual. 10 minutes later I was grappling with a grief I had never imagined before. Absolutely BAWLING not just for Simon and Marceline (the PLOT), but for what it showed me. The reality that every kid tries not to think about: your loved ones will leave you someday, even if they don’t want to. It’s an episode that becomes more powerful with every year I get older. To get a bit personal, dementia has completely taken my grandparents from me. I’ve seen sides of my grandfather that should never have existed, and I must constantly forgive him for what he does… now that he doesn’t remember me. And someday it’ll be my parents. That’s just the way of the world, ya know? Anyways, I remember my mom got home right as the credits were rolling and we had a long talk about keeping people alive with memory, mortality, and how the future was far away and we should decide on dinner lmao.

2. The Hall of Egress. I was almost 15. Life was changing. I was changing, and it was strange and frightening. That feeling where you know you’re losing your childhood but you just want to cling to it. Follow the same old familiar path, stick with what’s comfortable. But life doesn’t work that way. It took me years to really understand this episode and it’s symbolism. Honestly I still don’t think I could fully explain it. It’s like. How do I put this. I was so glad to be in the target age group in that moment. I was so glad that something I was growing up with was assuring me “you’re changing, but we’re changing too”. And isn’t that the theme of adventure time? Everything stays, but it still changes.

3. The absolute horror of Ferns existence. He’s Finn, but he’s wrong and warped. All those memories of the people he loves and they can’t stand to be in the same room as him.

4. Susan Strong. The introduction of a RUNNING PLOT. The show up to that point had really been so goofy and so monster of the week. I think the only really plot heavy episode before this one was It Came From the Nightosphere? And then suddenly they call into question the fact that Finn really is the ONLY HUMAN in all of OOO. And then… is he? It was SUCH a departure from the usual tone. Ending that episode with him reaching below her hat and gasping in shock, but never telling the audience what he found. And then she’s just gone. Which leads us to Islands!

5. Min and Marty. Second saddest episode in the entirety of adventure time, made worse because you know exactly how this family is gonna end up. There’s SO MUCH to dissect about Martins behavior in the series. A reformed con artist receives a traumatic brain injury while attempting to save his son. They’re both lost at sea, and he never looks for him. Was it the emotional trauma? Was it the physical damage? Meanwhile a mother loses her husband and her child in a single night and never EVER learns why. Nobody but Martin knows what happened that night. Also Finns fear of the ocean from season 1 is finally explained. 7 years of ignoring Finns origins and then they throw you THIS??? Watching it live was unreal.

Anyways I’m sure I’ll think of more. I might add on to this later for my own sake lmao, but I’d love to hear other peoples formative moments, quotes, episodes, etc. I really just needed to dump this information out of my brain so I can get on with my week.

[intothedysphoria]

It was expected that moving in together, there’d be some initial teething problems but Steve hadn’t quite thought that Billy was going to break his bubbe’s antique vase with a yo-yo.

Well, in fairness, Steve had seen Billy do far worse. Drop a baseball bat onto a car windshield from a third floor window, vandalising the mayors office, that one time he threatened to establish a nudist cult. Billy lived to shock people and now that they were in a relationship, Steve appeared to be the prime target.

Fucking hell.

The relationship wasn’t exactly public and the moving in wasn’t exactly official, which may have been causing some of the tension. Neil Hargrove would still rock up every night, screaming every word under the sun at Billy but never stepping a foot over the threshold. Because he was a coward, Billy said. But he was still spooked.

Thus, coming to the point where Billy had smashed his bubbe’s antique vase with a yo-yo. Breathing heavily with shards of pottery imbedded deep into his hand. Then he looked up at Steve, audibly gulped and ran for the bathroom.

It took a while to get Billy out. He’d point blank refuse if he was in one of his bad patches, seeming to prefer to simmer in isolation than to turn to help. But Steve was patient and always wore him down. He just had to sit and wait.

Eventually the bathroom door opened with a quiet flick of the lock. Billy’s face was unusually blank, apart from the red rimmed eyes that clearly denoted that he’d been crying. Steve cautiously tried to go in for a hug only to get a grunted “I’m fucking fine Harrington” and an angry teenager barrelling past him.

Which was not exactly ideal.

Steve cleared up the shattered vase on the floor, silently apologised to all his cousins who were still in Romania and knocked on Billy’s door. The groan of acknowledgment made Steve feel like he was good to come in.

What Billy had managed to do was bleed all over the floor and go through about ten cigarettes if the slowly growing pile on the floor was anything to go by. Steve’s offer to clean up his hands got an eye roll but no obvious resistance so he went ahead.

It wasn’t until Steve had managed to create a rudimentary bandage for Billy’s hands that Billy actually looked at him, now appearing more than slightly sheepish. There was a blush slowly rising over his cheeks that looked so genuinely adorable Steve just wanted to kiss it.

Instead he pulled back and asked “you doing ok Hargrove?”

Billy snapped “why the fuck wouldn’t I be” which didn’t exactly bode well for Steve’s plan to sort the situation out and put it to bed.

“Well you know, you seemed kind of upset earlier so I thought I’d ask” Steve had learned over the months of knowing Billy that it was best to not sound accusatory and instead act like it was no big deal.

Billy stayed silent for a few minutes while Steve just waited for him to be ready to form a response until he blurted out “it just pisses me off so much how he treats us. It’s bullshit!”

Steve didn’t need to ask who the “he” Billy referred to was. Instead he set a hand on Billy’s knee in a way that would hopefully be soothing, not annoying and rubbed small circles on Billy’s leg while he breathed.

“I know” Billy looked up quizzically, clearly wondering where Steve was going with this. “I know it’s bullshit and I wish it were different now but it will be in the future I promise. We’re gonna move you back to Cali, Neil’s sorry ass is gonna stay here and everyone who ever hurt you can get fucked. Ok?”

Billy sniffed loudly before nodding an affirmative, then wrapping Steve into his arms, doing what Steve knew he’d swear later wasn’t crying. He then leaned in to give Steve a surprisingly tender kiss on the lips and smacked his ass. Something Steve probably should have expected.

“Come on, let’s go watch Halloween before Munson holds us hostage because we haven’t watched a John Carpenter yet.”

Things weren’t perfect after that. Neil was still an ever looming presence in their lives, Billy still got pissed off and broke shit, they still fought pretty much weekly at least and Steve had expected that. It was what he’d signed up for in dating Billy. But Billy was still out to shock people.

Leaning across Billy’s chest, not dealing with a horror film nearly as well as Billy was but still having a hand gently squeezing his shoulder to make sure he was ok was the best shock Steve had ever been given.

[starry-eyes-love]

Chapter 3: Even Tough Hearts Break Under Pressure

Masterlist

Pairing: Joel x F!Reader (18+, Minors DNI)

Summary | While healing up from your miscarriage, Joel and you have some tender moments alone in the bedroom, one of which spirals Joel out of control emotionally where he has a panic attack outside You see a side of Joel you’ve never seen before and you honestly don’t know what to make out of it.  One thing’s for certain you realize that even the toughest of hearts will break under pressure. 

Warnings | 18+, Minors DNI, reference to miscarriage (slight at the beginning), language, fluff, angst while person (Joel) is having a panic attack, sexual references, age gap (no age stated in this chapter), slow burn, reference to smut without having smut, reference to child dying previously (slight), slight pregnancy reference (if you squint), reference to rough sex (if you squint), tender moments, sweet name calling (baby, honey, sweet girl, darlin’, etc), descriptions of body type, argument between Ellie and Joel. 

Word Count: 6k

“Joel, honey. Are you ok?” you said as you slowly ran your hand up and down the center part of his chest. As you did you saw his eyes snap open and look at you sternly. His breathing quickened again and you felt his cock strain and twitch hard against your leg, one that you slyly placed in-between his legs.   

Joel was nice and gentle with you when you went through horrible pain and bleeding from a miscarriage. You finally passed a large sized blood clot on the fifth night, and it was then that your pain and bleeding had finally started to slow down a bit so you could rest.  You were still really dizzy and lightheaded, Joel said that was because you were anemic from all the blood loss that had happened. You were hemorrhaging really bad for the first few days and finally you were grateful that your bleeding slowed down to a regular period flow. Joel told Ellie and you that until you felt well enough to travel, the three of you were going to stay in the cabin. 

During the course of the next week, Ellie tried convincing Joel that the three of you needed to stay at the cabin until spring. One evening you had heard Joel and Ellie get into a horrible heated argument about it. You were laying in one of the queen sized beds sleeping when all of a sudden you were startled awake hearing Ellie yell “the snow is too deep Joel, we’re gonna get fucking hypothermia and die if we try going through it.”

You heard Joel yell back "Ellie, lower your voice and watch your god damn language. And for the record, we're sitting ducks out here, if someone shows up we're all dead." 

“No one knows we’re here Joel, no ones been through here in like over 10 years or else this place would have been picked clean.”

“Ellie, you don’t know that. We’re now using the fireplace. People can see the smoke, and you know what that means” Joel said with a slight bite in his voice.

“You know what Joel, have you ever heard of the saying take the positive thing that life throws at ya, huh? This is positive Joel, a fucking gold mine if we allow it. And for the record, we’re dead if we leave anyways so it doesn’t matter. So why not make it easier on all of us, huh? Let us stay-”

You heard Joel yell back “Don’t back talk to me, what I say goes, remember? You agreed and plus I’m the adult and you’re the god damn child. Remember, the rules I have are the things that have kept us all alive. But you know what, if ya don’t like it you can leave at anytime. I won’t fucking stop ya.”

“You know what Joel, fuck you” you heard Ellie scream at him and then storm past your bedroom door and slam the door to her bedroom. 

With your eyes closed you slowly exhaled at hearing that full argument.  Sometimes you just wished Joel would stop running his fucking mouth and listen for a second. Ellie may be a teenager, and she may not have been communicating it perfectly, but she was right.  When you didn’t hear any more commotion in the living room you decided to attempt to relax into the mattress to get some more sleep. You figured you could address this problem later when you had a little more energy. You were exhausted still sleeping about 16 hours a day right now, and your skin still looked really pale in color from all the blood loss.  

After a moment of relaxing you felt that familiar sag of the mattress next to you, followed by two knees creaking and a huff from Joel as his back muscles tensed. Joel had been sharing a room with you ever since the two of you started sleeping here at the cabin because of how sick you had gotten. Joel would only leave your side during the day to go get food, scout the area, etc. while Ellie would lay with you in the bed and watch you. 

You were laying on your side facing the middle of the bed when Joel had laid down.  After a moment of allowing him to get settled you decided to slowly open your eyes and look at him. He was laying on his back looking straight up at the ceiling, brows scrunched together tight like he was in deep thought.

“You know, she’s right” you said after a moment while looking at Joel.

Joel exhaled slowly and said “yeah I know she’s right about the snow. But I don’t like having to stay here just in case people show up.”

“That’s not what I’m talking about Joel” you had said. “Yes, she’s right about that, but I’m talking about when she told you to fuck off. She was right to tell you that.”

You watched Joel turn on his side to face towards you and tuck a strand of your hair behind your ear while saying “now why did ya go and say something like that darlin?” 

“You know why” you say curling yourself up tighter as a shiver runs down your spine. You kept getting periodic shivering episodes recently, like you couldn’t get warm enough, even if you were sleeping right next to the fire.  Joel saw this and tucked himself closer to you draping the blanket he had over himself overtop of your other blanket, in an attempt to help conserve your body heat.  As he did that he said, “enlighten me sweet girl, why is she right?” 

“She’s right in calling you an asshole and telling you to fuck off” you said as your body slowly started to warm up.

“She never called me an asshole darlin’” he said quietly as he tucked you in closer to his chest for you to go to sleep.

“No, you’re right” you said with a yawn as you snuggled closer into the warmth and safety of his chest. “I called you that, and it’s still the truth.”

You heard Joel silently laugh out loud while saying “you’re awfully sassy for someone who’s always so tired. Now go to sleep sweet girl, ya need your rest.”  And with that you started drifting off to sleep. Right before you fell fully asleep you thought you heard Joel say, “and for the record, you’re both right.”

The next day Ellie gave Joel the silent treatment. Joel felt a lot of remorse as he didn’t mean to tell Ellie that she should leave. In fact, the only reason why he had said what he said was because at the time he was upset that Ellie wouldn’t listen to him, but he was still wrong for saying what he said. By the end of the next night, Joel and Ellie had finally made up all the way were they were back to their normal selves bantering back and forth. After listening to Ellie, and hearing Joel spend most of the previous night not sleeping, Joel had finally caved and agreed to stay there in the cabin for the next few months until spring hit. Ellie was right, trying to hike across the mountains in the middle of the winter in the snow proved to be very difficult, especially this winter as Mother Nature kept dumping large amounts of snow onto the landscape. Joel couldn't complain much as his back and knees were killing him from traipsing through the wilderness in at least 10 feet or more of unpacked snow all the time. So you three decided to stay until spring.

When you started feeling better both Ellie and you had started going through the rooms and going through storage containers to find out what you all had for supplies. Joel went out scouting further around the perimeter to see what was around and if it truly was safe. From what you figured, the cabin was abandoned and hadn't had anyone living in it for a very long time, like 10 years or more.  There were a total of 3 rooms with beds, a whole pile of clothes left behind, which all three of you grabbed, several weapons, and some canned food. Two bedrooms had queen size beds, and one room had a twin bed. All three mattresses still looked good for being older. Joel and you continued to share a room together until you were finally well enough not to need constant care. One afternoon Joel had walked into the bedroom you both shared and he saw that you were starting to pack up your bag to head to your own room. 

"Think you're well enough to be in your own room tonight?" Joel asked as he watched you pack up your stuff. 

"Your back is hurting you and you've barely slept Joel, you need your rest" you replied.

"Back's not hurtin' that much darlin'. You can stay in this one with me….or…I’ll move if you want me to" he said softly.  He secretly was hoping that you’d agree to stay and keep sleeping next to him. 

Your back was turned when he said this but you felt your heart ache for how soft he sounded. You wanted to say yes to staying with him in the same room but you also knew Joel. One minute he could be warm, friendly, loving, caring and the next he could be quiet, moody, and cold. You used to be afraid of him, but through time you learned to love this insanely big old broody man that you were traveling with. So you contemplated your answer, and then settled for trying something new as a response, because honestly you needed a break from the on again off again relationship you two were having.  You wanted him to see you, to yearn for you, to need you all the time, just like you needed him. But he was always stuck in that god forsaken head of his, getting in the way of his feelings and desires. So one time he would be nice and then the next not so nice. 

“Joel, honey" you said with a soft and tender voice. "I know your back is hurting you badly baby, and I don’t like seeing you restless while you’re sleeping. You’ve hardly gotten any sleep since we’ve gotten here. How about, for just a few nights, I sleep in one of the other rooms so you can get some proper rest, huh? And then if you want, I can come back and sleep next to you. How does that sound?” 

The two of you remained in silence as you finished up packing your stuff. You’ve never used pet names with him before, not ever.  He was always using them on you. You didn’t know if you were poking the bear, where an explosion would happen, or if the use of those names was something that he would like. As the silence continued, you felt your heart hammering harder in your chest waiting for Joel's reaction. After 2 minutes of silence, which honestly felt more like 2 hours by how nervous you felt, you finally turned around and looked at him. But what you saw was not what you were expecting.

As Joel stood there looking back at you, he was honestly shocked at what you had said to him, at what you called him. Those words, 'honey' and 'baby,' kept going over and over through his head. Those were the same words that he called you, but it felt different to hear them from your lips, it felt deeper and more passionate. At first, when he heard those words he felt upset because the last person who had said those things to him was Sarah’s mom, and he didn’t want to remember or think of her right now. 

While he continued to stand there in silence, he slowly started looking up and down your body, really admiring your features. Your eyes, both fierce but yet kind and beautiful. He could get lost looking into those beautiful brown eyes of yours. Your lips; nice, soft, and plump. Lips that he missed kissing, but also ones that he loved hearing those filthy words and sass come out of. You were a pistol to deal with, but he loved every minute of it. Your beautiful curves, ones that he craved to touch, to feel underneath his calloused fingers. Curves he craved to intertwine his body with, nip and bite along. Curves that temporarily carried his child. Something he didn’t think would ever happen again, but something that he desperately wanted to do again with you. But that was a feeling he kept hidden behind his tough exterior. And then there was your ass. God, you had a gorgeous ass. He wondered what it would feel like to smack, grab, and take it from behind. He wondered what sounds you would make when he could finally fuck you properly in a bed, like the one you were currently standing next to.

The longer he looked, the more tension started to fill the air between you two. He noticed that you looked at him confused at first, but then he saw you slowly scan him up and down too. His hands flexed at his sides, as a way to ease the sexual tension that he was feeling. He hadn't relieved himself  for a while, and he knew he'd need to soon. But somehow touching himself didn't feel as good anymore compared to being buried inside of you. He ground his teeth while inhaling and exhaling slowly. He was struggling, struggling not to give in to his animal instinct. He wanted to grab you, slam you up against the wall and fuck you hard. He had a desperate need to consume you, to make you his in every possible way. But he couldn’t, not with Ellie a few feet away in another room.

When he noticed your eyes stopped moving and that you were staring at his hips, he knew what you were seeing. His cock was rock hard and straining hard against his pants. It didn't help that his pants were also tighter on his toned legs and ass. He always had a construction worker's build because he used to do construction all those years ago. He took good care of his body, though his tummy wasn't as hard as it once was. He was a man in his 50s, with salt and pepper hair, bad knees, and a back that was always sore. His body had some wear and tear with it, that was for sure, but he still knew how to please a woman. And by the way you were looking at him, he was about two seconds from throwing all logical thought out of the window and just fall into bed with you and properly worship your body the way you so desperately needed and deserved. 

As he stood there admiring you he felt his cock twitch in his pants. It was desperate and needy for some attention and you looking straight at it while licking your lips wasn't helping him. After a moment of watching you he had to take a steadying breath. He had to calm down before he lost all logical thought and give in to this need to have you. He closed his eyes to try to relax, to will the tension in his muscles to relax so his cock would stop twitching and throbbing so bad. He knew it wouldn’t take long for him and if he wasn’t careful, he'd have to explain to you of why it only took a few strokes before he came undone in front of you. He knew he'd be coming like a god damn horny teenager, and this fact alone made him feel embarrassed. He wasn't a teenager that could only last for a few pumps, he was a man that knew what women needed and wanted. But somehow with you in this room, looking the way that you were looking and standing next to that bed, his thoughts were racing like a 14 year old adolescent horny boy. 

With his eyes closed he could sense your approach. Your warmth surrounded him, gave him protection and peace in a life that had none of that anymore. He could smell your sweet flower scent. Something that used to drive him nuts as he didn’t know where you had that scent from, until he realized that it was just you. He also could smell your arousal, it smelled citrusy and fruity, but not in a bad way. It was just the hint of it in the air. Most people could never smell things like that, but that was one of the many gifts Joel had with women. This gift he remembered he had as a teenager, and it was a bitch going through school with teenage girls who struggled with arousal all day long. But yours was different. It called to him in a different way. 

As you approached Joel, you saw him tense, and his breathing changed to becoming labored. God, he looked like he was in pain, and you didn’t understand why just calling him honey and baby would do that. Maybe it was a tick about Joel that was a turn on, but you knew that wasn’t it either. Something was going on in that brain of his and you couldn’t tell what it was. You knew better than to pry though. Joel can sometimes be such a big pain in the ass you thought, especially when feelings were involved. But that was a different conversation with him on a different day, when you were feeling up to wanting to try to crack through that tough exterior of his.

“Joel, honey. Are you ok?” you said as you slowly ran your hand up and down the center part of his chest. As you did you saw his eyes snap open and look at you sternly. His breathing quickened again and you felt his cock strain and twitch hard against your leg, one that you slyly placed in-between his legs.  

While you were up close to Joel and you saw it in his eyes that he looked absolutely wrecked. He was twitching hard beneath his pants, and you figured that his pained expression was coming from the hardness between his thighs. When was the last time this man truly took care of himself you thought. You wanted to reach out and help relieve that ache he was having, but with Ellie just a few feet outside of the door, you knew that you couldn't right now. So to help soothe him you took both of your hands and rubbed them slowly down both of his arms. As you did that you watched him take a shaky breath. When you got to his hands, you gently squeezed them and then whispered softly in his ear, “baby, you gotta relax, you’re way too tense.” Then you released your hands and took a step back to give him some room to breathe.

Joel stood there and glared at you for a moment, and then he took his hand and ran it down the length of his face exhaling with a shaky breath saying “I can’t relax baby.” He then looked around the room, as if thinking intently about something, before he dropped his eyes back down at you, and then the floor. After a few moments of silence, Joel nodded his head and reached down to picked up his pack. Then while walking out of the bedroom he said “you can take this room, I’ll take the one across the hall.” You watched him throw his pack in the room across the hall and then stormed outside, right past Ellie who gave him a quip about how hard he was breathing. He never looked at her nor said anything to either of you in return. He just left the cabin by slamming the door.

After Joel had left, Ellie had turned to you frustrated and said “what’s up his ass today?” You gave a gentle smile because you knew. It was you that created the tension at the moment and you smiled to yourself knowing it. Joel didn’t yell at you because he wanted the attention you gave him. It was in this moment you understood, his outbursts at you periodically were coming from a man who didn’t know how to relax or how to process his emotions or need for you. You could tell by the way he looked wrecked in the bedroom and his cock twitching hard against your leg that he wanted you badly, but you weren't going to explain that to Ellie. You kept this knowledge to yourself. So while standing there looking at the outside door where Joel had just stormed out moments ago you said with a smirk to Ellie “I've honestly got no idea."

Joel's POV:

 I can't fucking do this, I can't fucking do this anymore, Joel thought to himself as he stormed out of the cabin.  He felt his heart race and beat hard against his chest, too hard. He felt the panic set into his mind. Thoughts of I can’t keep her safe, this isn’t gonna work kept running through him at an alarming fast pace. With each stomp of his boot in the snow, another panicked thought would emerge. He had to get away, away from the cabin in order to just think, even for just a second. 

His body was drenched in nervous sweat, and his mind was racing, thinking about all the ways he couldn’t keep you safe.  He was panicking. Joel Fucking Miller was having a god forsaken panic attack. Something that he hasn't had for a very long time, and something he doesn't remember how to cope with.  He was broody, an asshole to you because he needed to keep his heart guarded.  He couldn’t just let anyone in because if he did, he would feel these emotions rise to the surface and drown him.  That feeling that he couldn’t keep his loved ones safe, and it paralyzed him.

He remembered he couldn’t stop the depression that happened with Sarah’s mom, and she left him when Sarah was 6 months old.  His love for Tess, he couldn’t stop her from getting infected and leaving this Earth when she did.  And then there was Sarah, his baby girl. He couldn’t stop that bullet from killing her.  He remembered cradling her in his arms as she took her last breaths. How he thought he had failed as her father because he couldn’t keep her safe from the pain of this world.  How he had broken his promise to her from the day she was born telling her ‘you ain’t gotta worry little one, daddy will always be here to protect you. I promise little girl, I will always be there to save you if you fall.’  And now, he felt the panic hit him hard again as he remembered that he couldn’t save her, and how he almost lost you. How the hell was he going to save you and keep you safe when he couldn't even save his little girl.

Joel was about half a mile from the front door of the cabin when his legs finally gave out and he hit the snow with a hard thud as he fell to his knees.  He heard himself let out a broken sob as tears finally streamed down his face at the feeling of losing yet another baby a few weeks ago. He didn't allow himself to feel anything while you went through your miscarriage, you tucked into his chest for warmth and safety. He held you, let you cry it out, and listened to you as your heart ached for losing a baby, his baby. 

He never intended to knock you up that night. It was his birthday and he was lonely for the warmth of a woman, he was lonely for you. God he craved you so bad, still does. That night you were threatening to leave and he couldn’t live with himself if you left him because you thought he hated you. He adored you, and honest to God he was starting to fall in love with you.  

And when he finally realized his deep feelings for you it scared the living hell out of him because he knew he shouldn’t open his heart again like this to someone in this world. He couldn’t help it though, you were so kind, gentle, and pure. You were the one thing that could calm his internal storm, the one that was now raging out of control within him.  He thought that if the world hadn’t gone to shit he would have asked you out on a date and courted you properly. You two would have gotten to know each other properly and then eventually the two of you would may have slept together in his bed, in his pickup truck, on the dryer, on the couch, in the garage, etc.  Hell, he even thought that maybe if everything would have been right, he would have asked you to move in and then maybe even eventually marry him, if you’d have him. But the problem was he wasn’t living in that type of world anymore.  There were no more dates at the movies, no more late night huggin’, kissin’, or fuckin’ in his truck.  There were no more proposals or no more marriage ceremonies with honeymoons.  There were no more trying to start a family or surprise pregnancy positive tests. There was no more holding your hand through pregnancy and watching his child be born.  There were no more barbecues on a Saturday, where kids would play in the yard and all the adults would sit outside, slowly sipping beer, talking about work and what their kids were up to.  There was none of that anymore in this world, and knowing this killed him inside.  It killed him inside because he didn’t want this current hell of life for you.  It didn’t matter to him, yes he missed life before but what killed him the most was knowing that he couldn’t give any of those milestones to you. He wanted a life with you and a family, but he couldn’t risk getting you pregnant again because it would mean death if it didn’t work out right.  

He didn’t know how long he was sitting there on the ground with his knees in the snow.  He couldn’t feel his lower legs anymore, the sting had finally subsided but he didn’t care.  His eyes hurt from crying, but not as much as his heart hurt for you and the world you were living in. He was so lost in his own head that he never heard you approach him.

Female Reader’s POV:

After Joel stormed out of the cabin Ellie had played the 20 questions game with you trying to understand why Joel was upset. "Why did he storm out, what did you say to him, why is he always so moody with you, what were you guys doing?" With each question she asked your answer were always the same, "I don't know" or "we weren't doing anything, we were just talking."

After almost an hour of Joel being gone you started to get slightly worried. Something’s not right, you thought.  Joel usually never leaves for this long of a period of time without checking in or saying where he's going.  You stood up and looked over at Ellie and said “Kid, I’m gonna go see where Joel’s gone to, he’s been gone a little too long. Stay here, keep yourself safe.” As you left you noticed that Ellie was still ranting about men and how irritating they can be when you had grabbed your gun and walked out the door going to go search for Joel.

As soon as you stood outside you tried to see where Joel had gone. When you didn't see or hear him you felt panic set in for a moment. Where did he go, you thought. You started looking around in the snow to see where his footprints went.  When you didn’t see any right by the cabin you started walking in a circle around the cabin look for prints.  You happened to catch snowy footprints about 100 feet from the cabin’s front door and as you approached them you noticed that they were Joel’s.  You decided to follow them to see where he went and you had to walk for a bit, winding between trees, before you came up upon him. You saw that Joel was on his hands and knees on the ground.  At first you froze, wondering if he was sick or hurt.  But then you heard him let out a broken sob and him saying “why does this hurt so much when they leave.”  Without even thinking about what had happened you quickly made your way over to Joel. When you got by his side you got down on your knees, grabbed him, and slammed his body hard against yours into a firm and tight hug. “Shh, it’s okay, No one’s going anywhere baby. We’re all staying right here with you. I’m staying right here with you. I ain’t leavin’ you.” And when you told him that last line that you weren’t leaving him you felt him fall apart more in your arms. 

You sat there holding Joel firmly in your arms, rocking him side to side, kissing his forehead, and brushing his hair away from his forehead. You had never seen Joel this broken before. He has always been the one person who's held it together all the time. He's always been the rock that Ellie and you have leaned against when things seemed hopeless. He's been the shoulder you two have cried on multiple times when the world has given you an unfair turn of events. He's been both of your protectors, knowing just what needed to be done. And he's been the biggest moodiest thorn in both of your sides constantly yelling at you both to have a firm upper lip. And yet now he’s here falling apart like a child in your arms and you didn't know what to do.

Joel had clung onto you for about 10 minutes, you were his lifeline that was tethering him to this Earth as sob after sob came out from his mouth.  Joel Miller was falling apart in your arms and no matter what you said to him it wouldn’t quiet his sobs. So you just sat there holding him until he quieted himself down and cried all of his emotions out.  What you didn’t know at the time was he was crying for Sarah’s mom, crying for his daughter that he lost, for Frank and Bill, for Tess, for the baby he just lost with a miscarriage, for Ellie, for Tommy, and also for you.  He carried a large weight on his shoulders, never processing or dealing with his emotions until now.

After he was done he had pulled himself back and wiped the tears from his eyes saying “fuck, here I go yellin’ at you for always being so damn emotional when I’m sittin’ here cryin’ like a god damn baby that’s just been born.”

“No Joel, I think you’re cryin’ worse than that” you say with a slight smirk on your face.

He looks over at you with a slight scowl and states “thanks darlin’. You’re making me feel so much better” as he laughs slightly shaking his head while getting up from kneeling down in the snow.  

“Just trying to lighten the mood, Joel” you say softly.  Then you add “Joel, are you ok? I mean you were falling apart, I don’t know what it was all about but you obviously were dealing with some heavy shit. I know you may not want to talk, but you know.”  You stopped and stared at him, not finishing the sentence of 'you know you could talk about it with me if you want.'  

You noticed that Joel started to slowly grind his teeth again while thinking. He kept giving you periodic glances while brushing the snow off from his pants. He had walked over to pick up his gun and was checking it. You noticed that he kept periodically looking over at you, as if studying you a bit before he responds. You do everything you can to keep yourself calm for him, but you feel your heart pounding in your chest. Joel can either run hot or cold, and you don't know which way he was going to run right now, and all you hoped for was that it wasn’t cold.

Joel mulls over in his head what had just happened. He thought he was alone so he finally let his guard down fully, and allowed himself to feel everything that's been happening. He didn't think it had been that long he was gone, but he could tell by the initial look on your face that he was gone too long. He couldn't blame you for coming to look for him, hell he would have done the same thing. But God he felt embarrassed. Men his age are not supposed to fall apart like that and he didn't want you to think he was weak. He wanted you to think that he was strong, that he could carry the weight of this world on his shoulders and give you a safe place. 

So after checking his ammo, Joel eventually placed the gun over his shoulder with the strap resting on his shoulder while reaching out to you with one hand and says "come m'er.”  You stood there puzzled for a moment at his statement, cocking your head as you didn't understand what he just said or wanted. When you didn't do what he asked, with a little bit more bite in his voice he said “darlin’, don’t make me say it again, I said Come. Here” as he pulled you into a deep hug. 

At first you stand there rigid not knowing what to do as you don’t want to upset him, honestly you are in unfamiliar terrority. Yes, Joel will hug you like this when you fall apart, but you’ve never dealt with Joel falling apart before. Joel could feel your rigid muscles and you hear him sigh against you, and you know by that sigh that he’s rolling his eyes at you being so tense.  So you finally relax yourself into his embrace and allow yourself to be consumed by his presence. You hum quietly into his chest feeling content as you smell him. He smells like pine, musk, cinnamon, sweat, and Joel; your favorite smell.  Right before he pulls you away he says “you mean everythin’ to me darlin’. Don’t you ever forget that, m’kay.”  Then he pulls away from you and turns to walk back to the cabin alone.  

After a moment of watching Joel walk up ahead of you, you go and pick up your gun that was against the tree, you check it like Joel has taught you, and then you trek back up the hill alone towards the cabin.  When you finally reach the cabin you hear Ellie talking with Joel asking if he could help her get some firewood and start the fire in the fireplace because she was cold.  He mumbles to himself stating "of course you’re cold" then he goes and grabs the ax.  You offer to help him but he says “no baby, I got it, thank you though darlin'" and then he walks off alone to go chop down a few trees for firewood.  When you hear him chopping at a tree a few feet into the woods you glance over at Ellie who looks at you and says “what the hell was that? And did Joel just say 'thank you' like what the fu-"

“I don’t know Ellie" you said interrupting her. "I have no idea” is all you say as you both glance towards the sound of Joel chopping down the tree. Truthfully you don’t know what the hell happened. You had never seen that side of Joel ever before, and you didn’t know if that was something that you were supposed to see. All you knew was that it now was going to be a few interesting months until spring, and honestly you couldn’t wait to see what would happen in this cabin by the woods. 

-End Chapter-

Author Note:  Thanks guys for reading this one. I know this one is mostly filler, but I wanted you guys to get a glimpse inside their heads as characters more and a chance for them to develop. I'm enjoying writing this and they're definitely more Chapters in the future.  The next chapter is going to get spicy again with both Joel and the female reader.

Let me know if you want to be added to my tag list.

Tag list: @punkshort @shotgun-shelby @strawbunnyx @orcasoul @pedritoferg @chiogarza @jesfreedark

[kedsandtubesocks]

Go Play Your Video Games

Summary: As a small time gaming streamer, you like your little cozy corner online. But when a subscriber donates a couple of thousand during a charity stream, he swears it’s because he’s an actor. You know the rule about never truly trusting anything on the internet. So there’s no way an actual actor can be watching you stream, right?

Pairing: Dieter Bravo x YouTuber!Reader

Word Count: 11.4K

Rating: M (18+ only)

Warnings: slight phone sex and allusions to sex, drug mentions, if there is anything I’ve missed please let me know (also sorry no beta reader we embrace the chaos the way dieter would)

A/N: Ok so, reader has a YouTube channel name and nickname but I promise it connects to the story so I just wanted to give that heads up! Second there are game references but nothing extreme or that you need to know for reading this. Third yes the title is based off the song ‘video games’ but i highly recommend Trixie Mattel’s cover of it! Fourth and final this is for @skeletoncowboys and @lowlights - my two lovely angels I truly can’t thank you both enough… this would not be here without y’all, you two are my guiding stars

and to you reading this, thank you 💜

Dieter is worried as balls he’s going to be late.

His manager has been talking for so long now that the dude sounds like a parent from a Charlie Brown special, just mumbling muffled crap that Dieter hasn’t even been listening to since fifteen minutes ago.

“Dieter. Dieter, man are you even paying attention?” His manager snaps and Dieter waves half heartedly at him.

“No.” He answers truthfully while his eyes stay focus on the other side of his laptop screen where the YouTube page is opened. Fuck he’s thankful the screen hasn’t changed. His eyes even stopped trying to flicker between the zoom meeting and the YouTube window. Now he just flat out patiently stares at the load screen buffering. 

“You know what, fine. We’ll just figure this out tomorrow.” His poor manager sighs giving up.

“Yeah I know. I said earlier we should have discussed this tomorrow but whatever, okay bye!” Dieter cries happily and immediately clicks out of the zoom meeting to maximize the other window. The screen however suddenly freezes in the process. 

“God damnit shitty hotel wifi!” Dieter screams horrified, scary movie worthy. 

It’s just a snag of a moment but it is costing him time. He now scrambles to try and do something, anything, to bring the screen to life.

Because he’s been waiting for this moment. 

A face reveal. Your face reveal. 

You normally did all your ‘let’s play’ game streams faceless. You mentioned how you wanted everyone to focus on the game while also admitting that you felt a bit self conscious about showing your face. 

But then the charity stream collab came. 

“If you guys donate and we make it past one thousand dollars I’ll do it. I’ll do a face reveal stream. And who knows, maybe I’ll do a few more if we reach anything past our goal.”

You announced that during the stream a few weeks ago while your character ran around the Sim’s. 

Dieter did not hesitate. He donated the entire thousand himself and added two extra thousand dollars just in case. He even recorded the moment it happened because it was so damn cute. You were so damn cute. 

On stream when you suddenly saw the amount you cough out whatever you were taking a sip from. It made him laugh.

“Okay DB Blaster what the HELL?” Your reaction? Saying his user name? One of his top ten favorite moments of all time for sure.

Now the face reveal stream is here.

He already knows you’re probably beautiful, just knows because he can tell. The energy and aura you give off? Yeah he knows you’re gorgeous. Plus his actors’s intuition is no joke.

But now he gets to know what color your eyes are, how your face looks when it lights up when you laugh. 

And the damn stupid hotel wifi is fucking up his entire LIFE. 

As if nothing, the laptop screen unfreezes and there, the stream pops up. Dieter thinks he actually hears angels singing as the stream loads. 

“Come ON!” He screams at the laptop so tempted to shake it. 

And then, there you are. 

You sit on a cozy gaming chair. The light of your bedroom bathes you in a golden glow as you grin warm. It damn near twinkles in your eyes. 

Dieter inhales so fast his head goes dizzy. His heart suddenly jumps wild as hell in his chest and he’s worried it might fly out of his ass.

Because yeah he knew you were going to be pretty, but he didn’t think you’d be down right gorgeous.

He sits stunned in the nice hotel chair.

A piece of him thinks about that one podcast he listened to on how YouTube culture is meant to distract the masses so the alien overlords could take over easier. But right now he thinks the alien overlords could show up, burn his hotel room down and he wouldn’t give a rats ass. He wouldn’t even move from his chair. 

Because there you are, separated by millions of pixels and glass screens always. And fuck, you are beautiful and his heart now soars far out of his chest.

Dieter happily grabs from the snack pile he curated to perfection for this event. He mindlessly shoves cheezits into his mouth. The salty cheese snack is enough to finally snap him out of the trance you put him under and immediately type something in your chat. 

Streaming started off as a half joke to you. 

During the peak of the pandemic the boredom, as well as the ache to just connect with your friends, is what brought you to live video game streaming.

You had played a few rounds of Mario Kart before with online play. But to fully play multiplayer games over a livestream with your friends? 

That was how Twitch was introduced to you. 

“Let’s just use it to play stupid games together!” Your best friend argued over a voice memo.

Twitch became a simple fun time to play with your friends. You laughed on private streams and enjoyed chasing your friends around trying to figure out who was the killer in Dead by Daylight. 

Then your best friend had the crazy idea of uploading one of the livestreams into the main tag. 

“Dude we’re funny, you are funny! Why not?” 

“If you do that I’m hiding my face.” You vehemently told them.

Now here you are.

A full YouTube channel with 10K followers and doing a full on face reveal. 

If you had told the past you that your friend posting the nightly video game group hang out would have transformed into this, you would have probably passed out. 

But learning how to edit videos, gaining the confidence to post videos, straight up livestream with strangers, many who have now become dear friends since your Twitch days, and even finding friends among other streamers - all of this has led to where you sit now in your cozy gamer chair. 

Because here you are - halcyon ghost. 

And you are trying to keep yourself composed at witnessing chat go up into a whirlwind at finally seeing your face.

butterflybabe: GHOST?? U ARE GORGEOUS

ytgnfjkl: must avert my eyes from someone so pretty

JustCallMeSunny: UHH HAND IN MARRIAGE PLS

doodlenoodles: we gotta cancel ghost now for being too beautiful can we do that? 

khaki345: just proved to all of us those earth angel allegations are true pal

A childish urge to cover your face itches all over your body and you can’t stop smiling.

DB_Blaster: HEY! I knew ghostie would be lovely before everyone else did thank you! 

Then that comment has you smirking as you shake your head seeing the familiar chat name and Roger Rabbit icon. 

Outlandish, a bit eccentric, DB_Blaster appeared around a year ago. 

AJplays, your closest YouTube friend, advised that yes you can make great friends with a lot of subscribers and members. But you still always had to be careful.

“You don’t know who’s on the other side of the screen or chat ya know?” He had told you and you kept that in the back of your head, a silent awareness to always be just a bit careful.

And then DB Blaster weeks ago dropped a few thousand dollars during your livestream and you almost choked on your drink.

A year ago you made a discord server for channel members. There in a private discord chat you messaged the user who casually had donated enough money to make your head spin. 

Halcyonghost: did you seriously just drop 3K

DB_Blaster: excuse you I donated 5k  

Just as fast as he replied, he then donated another two thousand dollars.

DB_Blaster: do you need more? 🥺

You sent back a mess of screaming messages.

Most of them were confused and completely freaking out because who has the money to just drop thousands during a charity YouTube stream? 

Then this dumbass had the audacity to send you back a gif of Garfield shrugging.

After that you couldn’t help but want to find out more about this elusive DB.

Halcyonghost: so are you some sort of mob member? Is there a mobster actually wanting to watch some youtuber play animal crossing?

DB_Blaster: HAHAHAHAHA

DB_Blaster: holy fuck if only

DB_Blaster: but nah ghostie, I’m an actor 😇

That was the first time he said he was an actor and you rolled your eyes. 

Halcyonghost: okay sure, believe the mobster theory even more now 

“He might just be some rich sugar daddy type dude.” AJ told you over a voice memo.

That theory felt closer to being true than the possibility of a real actor messaging you. After that DB slowly began to message at weird times of the day. Once at two in the morning he wished you a good day and sent a link to a weird but super funny tiktok. You also always could count on him to send you some of the most outlandish memes. 

It was cute and endearing in its own way. 

Now as you sort through chat and let the screen load for Stardew Valley an alert pops up on your phone.

Discord Alert: new message 

You covertly go to check it on the desktop. 

DB_Blaster: oh sweet ghostie you have me on my KNEES

DB_Blaster: you are gorgeous 

DB_Blaster: not even Billy Shakes could do your beauty justice 

Your lips fight back a smile as you type your reply back.

Halcyonghost: Billy Shakes?

DB Blaster quickly sends you a glittering photo of William Shakespeare wearing sunglasses. 

You hold back a stupid little giggle and simply decide to jump into playing.  

On stream you run around like crazy trying to fish and end up facilitating a discussion about what maybe do next stream to change things up.

AJPlays: play another horror game you coward

“Don’t be rude!” You wheeze playfully at your friend’s comment. “But I’m open to playing more horror games.”

friedpickle: let’s watch a movie!!

“A movie live watch would be fun.” You offer. “Would be a bit hard since YouTube is ridiculous on copyright movie shit.”

The private discord message notification goes off again.

DB_Blaster: you watch anyone of my movies you wouldn't have to worry about copy right issues I’ld take care of it 

You decide to be a bit playful. 

Halcyonghost: you sure are serious about the whole actor deal huh? 

DB_Blaster: as serious as the Oscar I got 🫡

Now you can’t help but egg him on.

Playfully you reply with the ‘sure Jan’ gif and return to streaming.

The joy of carving out this little space on the Internet for yourself is being reminded how fun it can really be. Sure chat can be a little chaotic to keep up with sometimes, but the conversations are wonderful. It does stun you from time to time to get hit with the realization that real folks watch you, interact with your content and want to talk with you. A fond warmth blooms through your chest even as you frustratedly lose another fish.

That’s when you finally glance at the time on your computer screen. 

“Woah team, why didn’t you guys tell me it was this late?” You announce through a yawn seeing it’s about to be past nine.

“Well,” you begin a bit heartfelt and slowly bare your heart. You explain how you never thought you’d get this brave to become a streamer, much less show your face. You sincerely thank everyone who watches, interacts and makes this little nook of the internet so special for you. 

Chat blows up and giddiness overwhelms you at the response.

So many cute hearts and massive sweet messages.

AJPlays: LOVE YOU!!

sam maybe: nothing but love for you!

It’s all a beautiful reminder that yeah being online sometimes is good.

As you log off chat you reach for your phone. A few emails from work, texts from your parents, and a couple of alerts from discord wait for you. You check the main server chat first.

doodlenooodles: we should make this day a national holiday -national halcyon ghost face day reveal 

JustAshley: agreed 

An amused snort escapes you and you move to check the few private discord messages you have.

One is AJ screaming his demand for you to play another horror game along with sending a photo of his partner's sweet dog.

Then two messages wait for you from DB Blaster.

The first is a photo.

A very prestigious Oscar award gleams on a mantle. An opened bag of chips casually is crunched beside it. From how shiny it glistens in the light, the award looks official. Not believing it for a second though, you click on the photo to investigate. You zoom in on the award where the name can be made out even in the gleam of the light.

Academy Award Winner

“Hunger Strike”

Dieter Bravo  

“Wait.” You admit outloud.

Why did that name sound familiar?

You google the name and up pops the very handsome veteran actor. You suddenly remember the ads he was in for that Beast Cliff movie your best friend raved were pure delicious golden trash.

There is no way it’s that guy. 

Halcyonghost: That’s a good replica lol are you a big fan of his?

DB_Blaster: definitely not a replica and I guess you could say that lol 👀 

His profile name now made sense. This guy had to be a huge fan of Dieter Bravo. You could respect that. 

DB_Blaster: on another note! I’m glad you did a face reveal, you really are so attractive like wowza

A bit forward, you thought. But he’s quick to apologize.

DB_Blaster: shit sorry I don’t wanna be creepy

DB_Blaster: I just remember how nervous and hesitant you were about ever showing your face and now you getting to this point? rad as fuck 

A sweet appreciation unfolds over you fast, sweetening your teeth as if you had just taken a bite out of your favorite cake. 

This person has been with you for around a year now. So for him, along with all the other members that have stuck around, to recognize this moment is just as big of a deal for you as it was for them is incredible. The true depth of your emotions feel too big to be captured by words. 

Halcyonghost: aw shucks thank you

You explain how as nervous you were, by the time stream hit the hour mark everyone made it feel like you were back to streaming with your friends. You happily embrace that feeling

DB_Blaster: awww you like us! 🥹♥️

Halcyonghost: Of course! Everyone who comes to stream and interacts is what pushes creators like us & I never want to forget or take for granted anyone who views my work 

You were lucky and grateful for the sweet community that’s grown with you.

DB_Blaster: wow, pretty poetic and sentimental ghostie I like it

DB_Blaster: 🥰

You smirk cause it’s not even that poetic but you don’t have the energy to correct him. It’s getting late and you want to start heading to bed.

DB_Blaster: can I ask you something? Since you’re being sentimental and what not.

DB_Blaster: and you don’t have to answer if you don’t want to but I’ve always want to know

DB_Blaster: why did u get into streaming?

Why did you get into streaming and YouTube?

DB_Blaster: fuck shit I’m sorry if that was too invasive

He even sends a worried cat face picture. 

What a question to ask though. You thought you had discussed this on stream or even on a previous video before. Now you wonder if maybe you hadn’t mentioned it. All your friends knew about how you got to this point. They were the aid and the only reason why you got the push anyway. 

Halcyonghost: No worries its all good

Halcyonghost: guess like everyone else the pandemic kinda just pushed me to try new things, decided to play on twitch with friends on a private stream and then a few streams later my best friend decides to post it on a main tag and it blows up

Halcyonghost: then one brave fuck it decision later a YouTube channel is born and here we are lol

Halcyonghost: sorry if that’s not too exciting 

DB_Blaster: no that’s everything

DB_Blaster: it’s special knowing this turned into something meaningful for you it’s great  

It catches you off guard at how endearing the message is.

Halcyonghost: wow that’s real sweet thank you ♥

You mean that reply.

After you brush your teeth, you pass out in your bed forgetting to see if he replied back. Strangely enough, the image of a golden Oscar lingers in the back of your mind.

The beautiful moments of enjoying streaming, of getting to bask in how special this little outlet, are what you treasure. But those moments when work, life, clash with your little carved out corner it reminds you that sometimes you need to step away from everything for a bit.

Halcyon Ghost: hey guys, tough day at work today… going have to reschedule stream :( real sorry about this!!

The replies are sweet, reassuring along with some humorous ones. One comes from your mystery man on a private discord message. 

DB_Blaster: do you need me to take someone out? 

It’s enough to make you laugh and a relaxed ease melts away some of your stress. 

Halcyonghost: Tempting! But stand down Don Corleone

DB_Blaster, catching your godfather reference, sends you a gif of the classic ‘‘leave the gun take the cannoli’ scene. 

DB_Blaster: sorry work was so tough, anything I can do to help?

You thank him and explain how it’s just work stuff getting you down. Of course you make the joke about one day becoming a full time streamer because every little YouTuber at one point wonders about the life of having that as their job.

DB_Blaster: you should, I’d support you. No lie. 

You’re about to dig into the takeout you order and you’re thankful you didn’t take a bite because you would have coughed out a little laugh at seeing that message. 

Halcyonghost: Ahh yes forgot… talking to a scary rich mobster here lol   

He sends a gif of Marlon Brando’s Don Corleone and it does make you giggle. 

DB_Blaster: but seriously, you ever need anything

DB_Blaster: I know it sounds weird but pls let me know okay??

It’s oddly sweet. But of course you sharply remember how this guy donated thousands easily and it only intensely rattles your mind thinking about what kind of man this guy is. 

Halcyonghost: thank you ♡

Halcyonghost: so…what do you seriously do? Besides being a mobster obsessed with one random actor lol 

DB_Blaster: Rude!!

DB_Blaster: and I told you

DB_Blaster: I am a thespian ghostie babe 😎

He really is sticking to that. 

You want to poke fun but you also understood not wanting to discuss personal aspects. So you apologize for asking. He doesn’t reply for a full ten minutes and you now wonder if maybe you could be upsetting him. 

Discord alert: DB_Blaster sent you a voice message!

That new alert now makes you eve more worried.

You scramble to grab your headphones and you don’t know why your heart is hammering so much. You don’t hesitate to listen to the voice chat. 

“Ghostie.” The voice that greets you is pure smooth goodness. Thick, manly and older, and something feels as if it is being yanked out of your chest fast. 

“I swear I’m an actor.” He urges with a laugh. “Do you want me to send you my IMDB page? Or you know what, maybe this might help.”

The voice chat ends and you see the bubbles pop up suggesting he is typing a message in the discord chat.

A photo pops up.

The man in it is scruffy, a bit sleepy looking with bed head type hair. He holds up a peace sign and grins at you. This man is also gorgeous. Deep dark brown eyes and a sharp striking nose, for some reason his voice perfectly fits his features. 

His face again seems so familiar.

DB_Blaster: SEE! It me :) 

You can’t even reply to that yet.

You go back to googling the name that had first appeared when you saw that academy award.

Dieter Bravo.

The mess of paparazzi photos, screenshots from movies, to various interview clips, the man is the same as the one in the photo sent to you. 

This has to be a catfish. Someone really trying to keep their identity hidden and deciding to do some old fashion celebrity role play type deal.

You decide to do a deep dive. 

You check Twitter and find he’s not there any more. His Instagram is bare minimum and hasn’t seen a recent post since 2019. He has been included on a few TikToks. But to say that photo sent could be an older Instagram or Twitter photo Dieter Bravo took is too much.

You try turning your brain off from thinking about streaming or a possible catfish living in your messages. But curiosity scratches at you like an anxious kitten. There’s no way it could be the actual actor Dieter Bravo. 

Barely one episode into your favorite comfort series rewatch, you decide to check discord.

More messages wait for you. 

DB_Blaster: I know you think I’m lying

DB_Blaster: but I am not I swear! I vow on my life! 

DB_Blaster: if you feel comfortable enough you are more than welcome to video call me and see me with your own pretty eyes 😇

You want to scream.

There’s no way. But, what could you lose if you video chat with this person? Worst case? You drop the video call, block him on every account and pretend this never happened. Best case? You don’t even want to think about that because a best case feels so outlandish. 

Electricity hums through your veins and you sit up straight on your couch. 

You hit video call.

Loudly your heart hammers a vicious beat in your ears. The video chat rings twice. Someone answers.

There he is. 

Dieter Bravo, in the flesh, talking so bright and amused. His smile crinkles his deep eyes and the crisp light of his kitchen highlights his stunning features.

“Well well well, might have to call a paranormal investigator because I just made contact with a ghost!”

He talks first, so excited and haughty, and you can’t help it.

You hang up the video call.

Wild electrified clusters of emotions course through you so strong it feels as if your brain might shut down. 

Dieter Bravo. 

Dieter Bravo is a viewer of your channel and is who you have been chatting with.

You call him back. You have to make sure this is real and maybe not just a wild delusion.

Dieter Bravo again answers with the most Cheshire Cat pleased smile.

“Trouble with your wifi? I get it.” He asks so casually.

You really can’t believe it.

“You’re…you’re HOLY FUCK?” You scream.

Dieter barks a laugh.

“And here I was thinking I’d be the one freaking out.” He’s amused and it is so clear in the twinkle of those warm charcoal eyes.

“I told you I wasn’t lying ghostie!” Dieter urges excited. 

You could admit and testify that yes, known actor and academy award winner Dieter Bravo is not a liar. And also apparently, he is a fan of part time game streamers.

“I can’t believe it.” You mutter still stunned as hell.

“Believe it ghostie.” He replies swiftly.

“So how was your day before it got turned upside down?” He smirks proud. Even with that you find he is so casual and actually friendly? He mentions how his day went and how he’s excited to feast on the Taco Bell he door dashed. 

“How did…How did you even find my channel?” You breathlessly ask.

“Oh, we’re getting into the personal stuff already? I was hoping we’d get to that maybe by our second date but this is fantastic.” He replies back taking a bite out of the Taco Bell he told you he ordered.

“Oh my god.” You sputter out not even processing fully what he’s saying because this entire moment feels outrageous. 

He’s a celebrity. A full on icon who has been in the same room as Meryl Streep and here he is grinning at you like he’s won the lotto. 

“You know you’re even cuter than you are on stream. Really diggin’ the extra cozy vibes from my favorite cozy gamer.”

You wonder if maybe you should hang up on him again. 

“Let’s be serious here.” You huff. You just want to find out and piece together how this man found his way to you.

“Honestly?” He begins after taking a swig of a baja blast. 

“I had a bad break up a while back.” Dieter starts with a brisk and slightly detached voice. 

“Thought it’d be a long haul thing but…it’s whatever.” His voice drifts off as he moves to sit down. Dieter places his phone across from him so now it feels as if he is sitting across from you. The view gives you a full sight of his wild and vast Taco Bell haul. You also don’t miss the weed pipe resting beside his Baja blast. 

“Anyway, I was up late one night, couldn’t sleep. Went to look up a video about how humanity could possibly survive a kraken emerging from the depths of the sea, as one wonders about at three in the morning.”

A wild laugh almost escapes you, but you stay composed as best as you can.

“And then, the freaky as fuck YouTube algorithm decides to recommend me your video.” Dieter says.

“Wait.” Your voice sounds small, as if you’re afraid to shatter this moment. “Which one?”

You watch this handsome man’s face grow soft as his eyes look distant. He dives in to take a scoop out of his nacho pile and munch happily.

You already hate how attractive he is just eating. 

“It was the ‘I make a gay love cafe for my animal crossing villagers’ one.” His voice drips with evident fondness. For some reason though, just hearing the title of your video along with his soft voice does it for you. You start giggling. 

Maybe it’s the disbelief finally settling in or the exhaustion from the hard day you had, but you laugh and it aches your stomach. Dieter joins in thankfully laughing just as much as you are. 

It’s unreal, a twinkling moment you know you’ll never be able to capture again but it’s oddly wonderful.

“I guess you liked it?” You ask through a wheeze.

“Ghostie, I snorted a shit ton of coke just so I could stay awake till five am to binge all your videos.” He admits through a giggle.

“Holy shit!” You cough out a bit stunned at his reply.

“Well,” You manage to recompose yourself and even smile grateful because you are. “Sorry about the break up, those are always shit. But…I am glad you found my little video. Weird as that sounds.”

“It’s not weird.” Dieter reassures you and it knocks you breathless how directly he stares at you. You almost feel exposed. 

“It’s kismet, dear ghost.” Dieter tells you with so much eased simplicity it sounds a bit comedic. You can’t help but snort.

It might not be kismet but it was something.

Dieter and you end up messaging each other, constant and steady after that. He begins sending you pictures of the sky outside his LA apartment during his runs. One of them is a glorious tangerine lemonade sky.

DB_Blaster: sky kinda looks like a musty day old orange outside today, it’s kinda nice 

There’s a neighborhood cat he always gets excited to see and gladly sends you photos of the unamused white feline whenever he spots her.

You tell him about your day and you are surprised he balances asking about your videos and streaming to asking genuine questions about how you are doing. Interestingly enough you ask more questions about what video games.

“I’m a fucking killer at Mario kart. Love The Sims, the grim reaper is my roommate there.” Figures.

“One day I wanna play Mario Party.” He gladly tells over a voice chat. 

“Oh my god you’d be ridiculous at Mario party.” You snicker back. “And the sims…it fits you.”

“Thank you.” He proudly replies and it makes you grin so ridiculously.

Dieter Bravo is charming, but you know he is. You would never admit it to him but that night, that first night after you discovered Dieter was in fact DB_Blaster, you went on an entire Dieter Bravo interview deep dive. 

You watched how personable he could be with someone interviewing him. But you also witnessed the side of him that could be a real ass. There was an old Rolling Stone article you read briefly that described him as “an enigma of a man you’d run into at a bathroom and believe you fever dreamed the entire interaction” and that entirely described Dieter perfectly.

By the time your weekly night stream arrives, you can’t help but think of him. He promised you he would be present. 

“Ghostie I’ve only missed ONE of your streams and it was only because I was on shrooms and got explosive diarrhea. Not a good night for me.”

It horrified you hearing that but also had you holding back the giggles because the earnestness in his voice was so pure. 

Dieter Bravo is a pure enigma of a man for sure.

You decide to stream again with your face camera on to embrace the weight and joy of being known. And also because a secret, but very aware part of you, knows Dieter Bravo watches you. 

Your mind wanders to the photos of him at the academy awards. You honestly stared at those for a good few minutes because you could get over how much of a god he looked in his striking tux. 

You also think of the one day he video chatted with you. Obvious coke residue was dusted on his nose and he wore a Golden Girl’s shirt that had Cheeto dust on it. Even witnessing that side of him, a deep fondness and even deeper attraction for this chaotic cluster of a man infects you rapidly. 

Drop kicking those thoughts away, you jump into playing Tears of the Kingdom. A small discussion buzzes in the chat about which of Zelda’s outfits are the best. You go to check on chat and your heart jumps straight into your throat seeing the familiar user name now among the bunch. 

DB_Blaster: Ghostieeeee, my dear you are looking extra ethereal today 🥰 

A sharp heat spreads over your cheeks and a giddiness surges through you.

“Moron.” You snicker mainly to yourself even though you know chat probably caught it.

An alert pops up from discord. You click onto it quickly and find a private message. 

DB_Blaster: you’re adorable when you get flustered 

You are falling down a dangerously slippery slope for this dumb actor. Mentally you want to sink your fingers onto a ledge to stop yourself from going into a free fall.

You simply reply back with a silly nonsense gif because it’s all you can muster. 

Stream goes smoothly and you call it in early for the night. Another discord message awaits you and this time you already know who it’s from.

DB_Blaster: what’s the one thing you need the most for streaming?

That stuns you.

When you took the jump into streaming you promised yourself you’d only get the basics and nothing too expensive. Because sure, as much as you would love to spend a couple extra bucks on a better microphone, better software, or even a full time editor you had bills to pay, snacks to buy.

You simply reply back that better audio would be nice.

DB_Blaster: wait how do you buy better audio? 🗣️

You laugh and find it so easy to video call him now. 

When he answers, Dieter is not in his lavish LA apartment but a similarly lavish and sleek hotel.

“Hi ghostie.” He grins. 

“Wait where are you?” 

“Rude! Did you forget I had an audition for a new Broadway production?!” Dieter gasps hurt. 

“No, I remembered! I was just surprised you didn’t fly back home already.” 

He scoffs. “No way, and miss getting some New York pizza? Plus I’m lazy and just would rather deal with LAX tomorrow.”

As you snicker you decide to settle in for the night. Propping him up against your mirror in the bathroom Dieter suddenly gasps again.

“Am I in your bathroom?! We haven’t even gone on a proper date yet!” 

“I’m gonna hang up on you.” You smirk, shaking your head. 

A thought suddenly trickles in. You think of AJplays and a few other streamers who are now all your dear friends. There is a small but dear step it takes to see more of the person behind the youtube name.

So you take that step. You give Dieter your real name.

“You can call me that now.” You try to be eased with it as you go to wash your face for the night until you catch how direct Dieter stares at you.

He repeats your name, breathing it out on an exhale that sounds reverent. It galvanizes your heart into a dangerous spring. 

“Yup, that’s me.” You weakly reply.

“Your name suits you.” Dieter sincerely says. 

“Thanks. Halcyon Ghost is my middle name.” 

That makes Dieter laugh and you hate the excitement rushing in you from making him laugh.

Dieter Bravo is truly such a wild but interesting man. He has told you about the time he almost jumped into the water fountain at the Bellagio in Las Vegas. Then over a video call he softly revealed how he wants to create art, performances, that connect with people even long after his soul has passed into the next dimension. 

“S’why I got into acting.” He had said so simply. 

You can’t believe this strange endearing man now sits in your phone urging you to do a cliché beauty influencer talkthrough of your night time routine. 

You raise up your boring moisturizer with the peeling label in the way you had seen in TikToks and videos. However your lack of enthusiasm immediately has Dieter and you busting out wild giggles like school children trying to keep quiet in a library. 

Eventually you and him settle into a comfortable eased conversation.

“So you talked about audio earlier…what do you need for better audio?” Dieter of course brings that up again. 

“Eh, a better microphone, or some sound mixing equipment. But like I said, I'm good with what I have.” You are. 

“I could get you something nicer.” His voice echoes off the walls of your small bathroom and your eyes go wide.

“Uh no!” You chide him. “Please don’t buy me things!”

“Why?” He debates simply.

“Because…because I said so!” You sputter back. Because the thought of this gorgeous man spending money on you is making your knees want to buckle.

“Aren’t we friends? Friends buy each other things.” Dieter replies stubbornly. 

“Not new hundred dollar mics!” You fire back just as stubbornly.

“Oh they’re only a hundred dollars? Baby that’s nothing.” He scoffs. But the new nickname he so casually calls you rips a new heat through your body. It crawls up your spine and makes your throat going dry. 

You stay quiet not knowing what to say or not trusting what you might say.

“Did I upset you ghostie?” Dieter asks playful but the concern is there.

“No, I'm just tired.” You lie.

“Uh huh.” He doesn’t believe you for a second and you know it.

“Come on,” you grab him from his perch against your mirror and give him a sleepy grin. “Bed time.”

“Are you taking me to bed now, little ghost!? If I knew we were taking this step I would’ve ordered us dinner before!” Dieter exclaims again dramatically and over the top. 

You laugh in disbelief and settle against your bed frame.

“You moron.” You can’t help but sigh fondly.

“Yeah your moron.” He offers back gently. 

Was he slowly becoming yours, or were you just becoming his? All you can do is grin soft at him and shrug. 

“So, you wearing any cute underwear?” He flat out asks. You place your phone down and away from you on the blanket as if to put him in timeout.

Dieter barks a hilarious and loud laugh that fills your room with warm energy you can almost hold in your hands.

You pick up the phone and glare at him.

“You better behave.” You chide him with no malice because your mind is still trying to settle down from the question he asked. 

“I will, I will. I swear on my Oscar.” Dieter reassures. It only makes you roll your eyes. 

“Tell me why you picked your YouTube name, halcyon ghost.” He says your channel name with proper grand bravado.

It was October when you made the channel. Your thoughts immediately went to something spooky. You also explained how you always thought the word ‘halcyon’ was nice.

“So why not.” You finish explaining a bit anticlimactic.

“Did you know the word comes from some like Greek myth too?” Dieter offers then happily jumps in to retell it.

“Halcyon was the name of some bird. It had the ability to calm rough seas whenever it went to nest or some shit. It’s why the word ‘halcyon’ means tranquility and peace.”

Everytime you are reminded of how worldly and sometimes sagely this ridiculous man can be it knocks something solid through your chest. 

“That’s beautiful.” You admit. 

Dieter hums thoughtful. “Yeah.” 

His eyes suddenly flicker to unflinching look to you. It is just you and him staring so directly at each other. But you can’t hold his gaze for long. You blink away, not even truly focusing on anything. 

“So no true poetic meaning picking ‘ghost’?” Dieter asks now interested and curious. 

You laugh. “I mean, not really?”

You could probably do some deep analysis and talk about how as a creator, it’s easy to feel like a ghost when there is no interaction with the content created. 

You wanted to keep your face, your identity, a bit hidden so the ghost image fit.

“But you know how that went.” You joke.

He snickers.

“Ghosts also haunt things.” Dieter offers with a light tone.

“They do.” You nod.

“Would you believe me if I said you have been haunting me?” Dieter admits into the quiet space of your bedroom.  

Your heart trips, skips a beat and you try to control your face but it’s so hard when your eyes snap to his fast.

A moment passes with his wonderfully magnetic eyes again staring at you but now he seems to be waiting for you to say something, anything. Even over a simple video chat the atmosphere in your room thickens, becomes hazy, and it begins to sink beneath your skin. 

All you can do is nervously laugh. “I’d say that’s a good one and you should save it for chat.”

Humor, it’s all that you have sometimes. Plus, you don’t know if he is being serious or playful. It’s hard to find the hard line between the two when he’s an actor, a man known for putting up fronts. Because even though you now see him as a friend, there is still a strange space between you and him that you want to cautiously navigate. It feels like a deep river that if you take one more step into you might fall into a rushing tide. 

Dieter hums and you don’t miss how his eyes immediately lower a bit downcast.

“I’ll let you go for the night ghostie.” Dieter mutters. 

The tension does not leave your room even when the video calls leaves and it makes your skin crawl.

You are at a company dinner Friday night when the email comes.

“Hi Halcyon Ghost

Exciting news! Here is your invitation to this year’s VidCon held in Los Angeles California!”

It is a clash of two worlds and you can’t focus your excitement into anything without making one of your coworkers confused.

AJ already has messaged you screaming with his excitement over you and him receiving the same invite.

You and him already start screaming a plan to meet up and room together.

For some reason your mind jumps to Dieter. 

You want to tell him, want to freak out the same way you did when he proudly called you to announce he got the broadway part he auditioned for. He’s become such a strange but solid facet in your life it almost aches how badly you want him more than anything. 

Because you’re still at dinner you decide to message him quick and fast in discord. So fast you don’t even remember what you sent. By the time you return to your apartment you find a mess of messages waiting for you.

DB_Blaster: MY DEAR GHOST?? EXCUSE ME?!?!?!

DB_Blaster: WHAT A PRO! WHAT AN ICON!!!

DB_Blaster: 🎉C O N G R A T S 🎉 BABY!!!

DB_Blaster: GHOSTIE!!! CALL ME NOW!!

You do so eagerly.

“Uh hello?” He answers in a bad accent that you vaguely remember from that bad Cliff beast whatever movie. “Is this pro gamer halcyon ghost? Now famous VidCon invitee?”

You laugh is bright and loud and you don’t care.

“I can’t believe it!” You cry. “Me, AJ, and a few of our other friends got the invite! I mean it’s just an invite and it’s not much but-“

“No,” he cuts you off sharply and even frowns. “Don’t do that, give yourself credit. Your content is awesome as fuck and you deserve this!” 

Your face drops because he sounds so sincere.

He notices it too. Over the phone’s screen you watch as Dieters eyes flicker and scan over your face so intently.

“God I’m so fucking proud of you.” He breathes out and it makes your spine snap straight.

“Dieter…” you exhale and now catch that familiar shift coming in the air. Even over the video chat you again sense it, something brewing and becoming uncontainable, stretching thin as if it's a wire maybe about to snap. 

Then your phone rings.

You cuss sharp under your breath.

Your best friend’s hilarious photo pops up on your phone. You know the call is to congratulate you on the invite. But you know there’s something even more pressing here sitting in the air between you and Dieter. You don’t want to avoid it anymore. The elated energy, the buzz of the high, makes you want to face whatever this is head on, to dive right into whatever is brewing beneath the tides. 

Your eyes shoot an apologetic look to Dieter. An understanding but little crooked grin paints his features and makes him look so boyish. 

“Text me back or call me when you can.” 

Dieter hangs up and you already ache for the actor you’ve grown so deeply fond of.

The phone call with your best friend is wonderful, joyous, and you appreciate the support like this in your life. But it’s getting late and you can’t help but think about the actor still possibly waiting for you. 

So you grasp onto the exuberant energy still humming through your system. You harness it with all your might and immediately call him. You chide yourself for getting caught up in the excitement and not video calling him. 

Then Dieter answers.

“Ghostie?” He sounds wrecked, out of breath.

“Hi yeah, it’s me. Sorry, am I interrupting something?” You offer small and so worried now. 

Until he sighs and it sounds soaked in sex, so delicious and dangerous.

“Baby…” he sighs your name out and it has never sounded more sacred. 

“You gotta know,” Dieter whines. “You gotta know how much I want you.”

You are sent out of orbit. Your mind, your body, all melt as everything inside you ignites in a fierce flame. 

A few weeks ago you learned one of Dieter’s movies involved a heated sex scene.

After searching and finally finding the clip, it shot the strongest dosage of arousal through your body at a dizzying speed. You rewatched it an embarrassing amount of times, more than you even want to admit to yourself. You thought about how fierce and consuming he kissed his costar. And now those scenes vividly flash in your head, begging you to fall into the beautiful abyss creeping up below you.

“Dieter.” You reply a bit choked. 

The faint wet noise of his hand stroking his cock comes and it makes you swallow back a whine.

“Wanted you for so long, think about you all the time.” Dieter mutters in a trance. 

“I…” there’s so much you want to say, so much you want to discuss. But heat licks a blazing path through your veins. It makes your underwear sticky and so wet already. All those hesitations and all thoughts you had flutter away. 

“Don’t think,” Dieter coos like a soft siren begging you to join him. “Just feel, come on baby. Feel with me.”

So you do. Your hand slips greedily beneath your underwear and you feel everything right there with him in the warm glow of your bedroom.

Sunday night you are on a discord voice call with Dieter as he waits out his canceled flight.

After not talking to him all Saturday he was the one to finally break and call you first. You’re surprised you even answered. 

“I can hear you thinking ghostie.” Dieter hums amused.

It’s been on your mind this entire time since Friday, since the phone sex - the thought of whatever you and him are becoming, have now become.

“Talk to me.” He offers soft, soft like the way he wishes you good night over voice memos every night now.

“Do you think about how we have like…different layers? Like I know your job is literally about being someone else. And I understand you present yourself a certain way even in interviews and you aren’t even your true self there-”

“If you watch that one buzzfeed interview I did high I think you’d recant your words baby.” He jokingly interjects and you snort. 

“You know what I mean.” You gently return back to the thought you’ve been wanting to discuss with him. 

“And with me, I know I have layers of how I’m perceived online and I just…” your voice trails off now thinking you might be getting caught up in your words. 

“You think we’re both just caught up in the projected perceptions of the other huh?” Dieter muses. 

It again startles you how perceptive he is.

If there is anything that you would have not pictured Dieter Braver to be, it's perceptive. But he is. This is of course the same man who told you how he once drank a Baja blast out of a black licorice because he wondered if the flavor would change. But he’s also deeply intuitive, even a bit wise, and those traits shine so warmly now.

“Ghostie,” he begins and then says your real name. “Remember when I told you how I found your videos? How I said it was…wait fuck what did I say it was like?”

“Kismet,” you smirk saying the word.

“Yeah that’s it thank you baby!” Dieter cheers. “Okay anyway, I said that ‘cause it’s true. Your video was like…some damn lifeline I didn’t know I fucking needed. Finding you felt like I was returning from a haze.”

Confliction bubbles in you with an acidic wave. Pride, gratitude, and even deep admiration rise up all for him but it also strongly clashes with the fierce realist in you. 

“And then I got to know you.” He adds firm. “I learned what your favorite take out meal is. I still remember the story you told me about your most embarrassing moment. I learned about the movies you love and the ones you hate.”

Hours were spent discussing movies. You should have known any movie talk with an actor would result in hour long debate over which Lord of the Rings movie is best since Dieter swears it’s the first. 

“I know you.” He urges.

“I mean, I don’t know who your favorite teacher was and shit but I…I think I know you. You’re now not just the cute as fuck streamer who brought me out of my dumps. You’re someone who’s been brigtening the FUCK out of my life just from hearing you talk about what you plan to get at the grocery store.”

You don’t realize you’re on the verge of tearing up until you blink and find tears blurring your vision.

“Still can’t believe you donated that much.” You sniffle.

“Yeah but doing that let us all see your lovely face so ha.” Dieter replies haughtily.

“Look baby, let’s just keep getting to know and grow with each other, yeah?” He offers in a hopeful and warm tone that reminds you of a tangerine sunrise. 

“Yeah.” You agree and gently walk into that tangerine sunrise.

“Now will you let me buy you some new audio shit?” He asks in an annoying childish high pitch voice and the soft moment gets squashed. But it is pure Dieter. 

“You moron.” You choke out through an affectionate laugh.

“Yeah your moron ghostie!” He exclaims with all his might.

“Please tell me you did not just yell that in the middle of an airport.”

“Oh you know I’ve acted worse in an airport. That was nothing.” He scoffs.

You do know. Dieter explained, even sent articles, about how he ran around the Denver Airport once trying to see if there were actual lizard people in the tunnels. It’s why he is forever banned there.

Remembering that solidifies his words.

To know someone is a blessing, a privilege, even if the stories surrounding them are so wild and ridiculous. Maybe even more so with this man.

Because to know Dieter Bravo is to know he is ridiculous, wild, a bit eccentric, but entirely warm and heartfelt. 

You realize you never want to know a day without him. 

That thought blooms into firm wonderful roots that immediately grow in your heart’s chambers.

By the time VidCon approaches only a month away you, Dieter is now simply calling you over your phone. Discord voice and video chats no more. 

“So what are your LA plans?” Dieter asks while chewing through some jerky.

“Well AJ and I already got a room booked by the convention center so that’s my biggest relief.” You and AJ already had excitedly joked about maybe running into a celebrity. A part of you even now has to suppress giggling at just thinking about how you have daily phone calls with a known celebrity buzzfeed articles have deem ‘Sexy AF.’ 

Except right now said celebrity burps disgustingly loud in your ear.

“Dieter, gross.” You frown. 

“Sorry babe…Anyway,” Dieter bounces back quickly. “Want me to pick you up from the airport?”

You almost drop your phone.

“Honey what?” You wheeze out.

“I love it when you call me honey!” He gushes so obnoxiously. You’ve been calling him honey for months now and it never fails he says this every time.

“Focus Bravo.”

“Yeah okay,” he sighs. “As I was saying, let me just pick you up from the airport.”

The thought of finally seeing him in person freezes you. After months of doing the long distance thing, having incredible phone and video sex, everything now settles in you fast. From your excitement, to the fear of him actually seeing you in person-

“Ghostie.” Dieter breaks into your thoughts with a sing song like tone.

You sigh now “Sorry honey.”

Dieter giggles dreamily. “Honey.”

You sigh again. 

“Let me pick you up baby.” He suddenly purrs low as if he wasn’t just giggling like a lovesick fangirl a split second before. 

It would solve your issue about dealing with a ride share or even the horrifying thought of getting a rental. 

“Sure, why not.”

Dieter screams loud as if his favorite sports team just scored but Dieter doesn’t care for sports and you hang up your phone.

He simply now texts you: [See you at stream tonight babeyyy]

You playfully reply back: [not if i block you 😊]

He simply sends back a gif of a dumb minion blowing a kiss and you now really contemplate blocking him.

Later that night on stream, as you play the most recent Pokémon game, you see Dieter’s name pop up.

DB_Blaster: hello beautiful my ghost 

You hid your smirk behind the hand your face is leaning on.  

Chat of course ignores him while they excitedly continue to send encouraging words about the upcoming VidCon trip. A few members even eagerly hope they can run into you at the convention. It is exciting and reminds you of the exciting energy that awaits before a big vacation.

Then a chime comes from chat.

This one alerts you that someone sent a super chat, which includes a donation with it.

Your eyes readily flicker over to check and thank whoever sent it. Then your eyes almost pop out of your socket.

DB_Blaster - $900 super chat! 

“What the fuck!?” You can’t help but flat out shriek. 

Thankfully chat reacts just as wild.

butterflybabe: dude db_blaster can you like adopt me??

justAshley: I am manifesting this type of energy to find me oh my god

You scramble quickly to your phone to text him in all caps about what the fuck does he think he’s doing.

[Dieter: for ur mic and audio shit baby!]

[Dieter: Don’t think I forgot 🥰]

[Dieter: or for maybe a new vibrator hmm 👀????]

You swallow back the scream you want to let out and instead slam your phone back down.

Recovering fast you grin at the chat. 

“Don’t worry everyone, DB Blaster is actually my estranged rich grandmother, so let’s all say thank you to her! Thank you grandma!” You smile bright and wide on camera. 

Dieter straight up calls you in the middle of the stream and you can’t help it. You laugh and almost knock over your microphone. 

After scrambling for the days off, shoving everything into a suitcase, suddenly the month is over and you are landing in Los Angeles ready for VidCon. 

LAX is an experience, like a whole world encapsulated in one place.

There is a MAC makeup store, a Michael Kors and then a Jersey Mikes. You don’t want to wander around too much before getting lost in its depths. You can almost hear Dieter’s voice rattling off in your head, warning you not to get lost or else the alien creatures living in the airports will grab you and make you play monopoly with them like a scene out of a bad 80’s Sci Fi movie. 

Thankfully you don’t have to wait too long to actually hear his voice. Your phone rings and you rapidly scramble to answer it.

“Hello?” You breathlessly answer.

“Baby,” His voice is drenched in disappointment and so much heartbreak. “My ghostie…Fuck I’m so sorry I can’t make it.”

You knew he would be cutting it close with his photoshoot.

“Honey it’s okay I promise.” You reassure him but you still are a bit heartbroken. Your excitement escapes you like a deflated balloon getting caught up in the ceiling of the Los Angeles airport.

“I’ll make it up to you I swear!” Dieter urges with devout conviction.  

You know he will, in his own Dieter way and that’s enough to comfort you. 

The walk to the rideshare pickup area is solemn but you carry yourself and your luggage with gathered dignity. Thankfully your Uber driver is sweet and you enjoy the chat during the drive. She happily suggests restaurants and different bars to check out making the trip to the hotel not too bad.

Finding AJ already in the lobby waiting for you makes the journey even better. After the hilarious freak out for finally meeting, you now eagerly discuss dinner plans with him.

“Maybe we can go food truck hunting?!” AJ offers excitedly.

You agree with just as much excitement and move to open the door.

There in the room a full array of colors explode before your eyes. So many flowers cover almost every surface of the hotel room. Their arrangements are large and fan out with flair. From gorgeous deep crimson roses to colorful lilies vibrantly begging to be smelled, it overwhelms you but in the best way.

“Okay, what the fuck?!” AJ cries. “Is this because we’re here for VidCon?!”

You want to think it is. But the teddy bear almost the size of the hotel wall nestled happily in the corner says otherwise. Especially because the sweet bear rocks some cool bright neon sunglasses, wears an ‘I ♥️ LA’ t-shirt and has a rolled up white paper taped to his mouth as a mock joint. 

Your eyes however now go straight to the sweet little bundle of flowers, your favorite actually, that sit patiently on the coffee table.

A white folded note rests among the flowers.

‘Ghostie’ the handwriting is sleek but messy, scribbled fast but with intent. The sight of it already clogs your throat because it’s exactly how you’d picture Dieter’s handwriting.

“Sorry I couldn’t make it, hope this makes up for it! Don’t worry we’ll be together soon”

-DB

He even doodled a Sun wearing sunglasses with a heart beside it. Your own heart transforms into something light and buoyant. You worry about floating away at any moment. 

AJ of course freaks out over dinner when you tell him everything  As if summoned out from under a couch cushion himself, your non official-official boyfriend calls.

“Hello?” You answer with a warm grin and AJ eyes go wide.

“Is that him?” AJ mouths. You can only playfully shrug. 

“When I walked out of my shoot just now I knew LA looked and smelled brighter and it’s because you’re here.” Dieter says with so much awe that it overpowers his classic Dieter type comment. 

“Dork.” You smile so fond that AJ playfully makes a gagging face.

“When can I see you baby?” Dieter mutters in a sweet alluring tone that has something delicious crawling up your spine. 

You explain how you are at dinner right now.

“Dinner?! In your first night in LA and it’s without me?!” Dieter exclaims dramatically.

“It’s with Markiplier isn’t it? I knew it! Well tell him he’s only half attractive and that when I get there it’s over for his gamer ass!” He screeches.

“Goodbye!” You laugh wild and unbelievable. You cut him off quickly because goodness, what a beautiful hilarious force Dieter Bravo is.

“So I’m thinking I might get to enjoy a hotel room all to myself this trip huh?” AJ comments playful and with a teasing smirk.

“Maybe!” You reply weak but you know the truth grows in your bones. It only solidifies when you text him to meet you at the hotel.

You want to spend as much time as Dieter will allow. You want to see his apartment, want to find that sweet cat he always takes pictures of during his runs. You want to enjoy and let yourself soak in the bliss of just being with the one man who has been lighting up your life.

[Dieter: heading over, see you soon ghostie 💘]

The text electrifies you faster and brighter than any strike of lightning could. Then, as you sit on the couch waiting for his call, your phone rings and you almost jump out of your skin.

“Yeah honey?” You answer breathlessly. 

Quickly you open the door to rush to the elevator only to find Dieter Bravo standing there on the other side.

This moment has filled your daydreams more than you would ever admit. You wondered if this first meet would be some cinematic moment. You originally hoped this would have happened at the airport. You even pictured it a very sweet indie movie type way where the love interests finally meet at a place where so many paths cross and are brought together.

Yet here he is. 

The man who’s filled your heart with so much humor and affection that right now it swells to the point you wonder if you might burst. 

Dieter’s face falls in complete awe.

He hangs up the phone and before either of you can say anything he moves in quick steps. He swiftly sweeps you into his arms.

Dieter kisses as if you might disappear. His mouth is warm, tasting faintly of ice coffee and a shot of desperation. It makes you melt into him. You clutch his Los Angeles Lakers sweatshirt as you kiss him back with everything you have.

The months, the build up, it all led to this.

As fast as he kissed you, as fierce as he licked into your mouth, suddenly Dieter gently cradles your face. He pauses for a split second and then he is kissing you so softly, so light.

Dieter kisses your lips gently, once twice, before moving to kiss the corner of your lips, the top of your cheek. He finally kisses your forehead and the tenderness overwhelms your senses.

“You’re here.” Dieter breathes out.

“You’re here.” You choke back.

Dieter pulls away and grins a molten sleepy thing that touches his eyes. 

He is everything you have dreamed of and then more.

When he pulls you into his arms, simply to just hold you, you squeeze him back with all your might.

“No more screens separating us, ghostie.” Dieter coos affectionately into the top of your head.

No more screens indeed.

As if Dieter himself is a real ghost, he spirits you away from the hotel room. You think your laugh and his still hang in the hallways of the hotel.

“Okay, are you sure you want to do this?” You ask hesitant.

“Yes ghostie, this is the fifth time you’ve asked me. Should I remind you again that I’m the one who suggested this and got excited when you said yes?” Dieter scoffs as he settles into the seat beside yours.

Your heart hammers loud in your ears. You’ve never done this. Hell knowing you’re doing this with him feels even more terrifying. 

“Hey,” Suddenly his warm larger hand moves to squeeze yours.

Your eyes flicker to Dieter. He is the picture perfect example of ease and you know it’s not the edible he took because it already wore off after he picked you up from VidCon. 

“If you don’t feel comfortable then no worries.” He reassures you effortlessly. You can’t help it. You lean over and kiss him soft, appreciative. 

It’s been so easy to fall into place with him. 

He kisses you back more and more. You’re about to pull away until he breathes against your lips. 

“Move here, move in with me.” 

Your eyes snap open wide and you scramble away from him.

“Dieter WHAT?!”

“What!?” He cries back just as loud. “I thought that might take away the nerves and give you something else to think about and then the words just kinda flew out!”

Your damn chaotic but so sweet boyfriend…

You exhale feeling the old nerves now transfer into this new topic and you suppose Dieter’s plan did work in a way.

“Ghostie,” Dieter urges. “Talk to me please.”

A silence settles between you and him. 

“You want me to move in with you?” Your voice is small, barely able to process the words yourself. Your eyes flicker to Dieter. He stares at you with the cutest worried face. 

“Baby if I had it my way you’d quit your job, live here with me and live off my money until you get sick of me. You’d be here and do whatever the fuck you want for as long as you want.” His tone is soaked with sincerity as he answers without hesitation, without doubt. 

“I just wanna come home to you. Wanna see your moisturizer in my bathroom. I want to get into fights over which Pringle’s flavor is best,” Dieter continues so earnest. “It’s the shrimp cocktail flavor by the way.”

“It’s not.” You reply with a sniffle and Dieter smirks affectionately as his thumb strokes your hand.

“Just…think about it, okay?”

It’s a lot to process but hope swirls and swells in your chest. It speaks more than you can at this moment. All you can do is lean forward to kiss him fiercely and true.

Dieter kisses you back softer.

“Come on ghostie,” He mutters against your lips. “Don’t you have a stream to get to?”

“Guess this is why celebrities don’t date fans huh.” You mutter. 

Dieter busts out laughing at your comment and you join him feeling bright and limitless. He yanks you into his arms and kisses you multiple times now, all loud and relentless. For the finale he blows a raspberry on your cheek making you laugh even louder. 

If you are his ghost, you think he might be your halcyon. A strange beautifully colored bird that seems mythical but one that brings you so much sweet peace among the waves. 

“Alright come on let’s do this.”

You jump onto stream and warmly smile as Dieter sits besides you.

Warmly and as casually as you can you greet everyone while also explaining the elephant, or this case academy award winning actor, in the room.

Chat rapidly explodes. 

socallie: Dieter bravo?? DIETER BRAVO IS THAT YOU?

butterflybabe: holy shit is that actor dieter bravo?

floatify: Gio from Cliff Beasts I’m ur biggest fan  

soupjuicy: DIETER!!!! WOWOWOWOW I LOVE YOU!!!

svdbeau: Uh? HOW? EXPLAIN PLS??

gammagamma: This is the crossover I didn’t know I needed, this is my endgame

dreamfairy95: wait who is this guy

AJPlays: heeheeheee 

A j’s comment has you snickering. It’s enough to release the nerves and let you settle in. Unseen by chat or the camera Dieter rubs your knee fondly and a bigger smile tugs at your lips.

You explain that, since it’s VidCon, you thought to try something new and have a friend join. You don’t even have to see Dieter to know he’s smirking like the damn cat that caught the canary.

His agent and manager both loved the idea of him doing a surprise stream. 

“Apparently it would be a great way for me to ‘connect with the youth.’” He told you even using air quotes. “Like fuck, I get it. I’m old but hey I’m hip! I can hang!”

That was enough to have you agreeing in a fit of giggles. And after you accepted, then after he fucked your brains out, Dieter warmly told you this was a new fantasy he didn’t even know he needed. 

“Finally getting to have fun with my baby while playing games? That’s a dream come true ghostie.” 

You find now that maybe it’s a secret dream for you too. Finding someone who wants to sit beside you and cheer you on, who wants to enjoy this silly endeavor that’s become so important to you is a tender dream you want to cherish. 

Just thinking of it makes you reach down secretly to quickly squeeze his hand. 

“I came here to immortalize myself on the internet as one of the best Mario Kart players ever.” Dieter suddenly speaks and instead of it startling you, a surge of reassurance washes in.

You’re here with him. Who would have thought? Because instead of feeling overwhelmed at the thought of celebrity Dieter Bravo here, it’s simply your boyfriend, Dieter.

“Okay, let’s do this.” Dieter announces with competition and confidence beaming in his voice. “And yes my Mario Kart main is Birdo because I stan a queen in this household.”

He is a natural, effortlessly interacting with chat and laughing so easily with you. 

By the time you realize he’s beaten you twice on Bowser’s Castle, you find you never want to leave this moment. 

Because this moment? It is a bit ridiculous but wonderful. It reminds you of tasting a sour candy that makes your face pucker so tight but the taste is incredible and makes you only want more.

And you do, you want more moments with Dieter.

“Fuck YEAH! VICTORY! Eat my ASS BOWSER!”  

As Dieter screams excitedly, throwing his hands in the air and even doing the weirdest wiggle victory dance, you think you might be the real winner in this game.

[justatalkingface]

Bakugou and Izuku's 'Friendship'

Or, what the fuck do you think friendship is?

For the purposes of this post, we're temporarily ignoring... their entire backstory, basiclly. For all intents and purposes, these two met in UA, there's no childhood trauma, no assaults, no demands that Izuku commit suicide, none of that. We're trying to take a look at the current 'friendship' between Izuku and Bakugou.

And, in that spirit, I want to say this: why, in the the name of burning fuck, do you call this a friendship?

No, seriously: I see these posts, here and elsewhere, with clips of, like, Bakugou yelling at Izuku so hard his hair is being blown back. Or hitting Izuku. Or insulting Izuku. And these posts say, unironically (unless I'm missing some weird ass trend) that these are 'Dawww' moment.

You know, like you would go when you see a cute kitten or something.

But it's worse than that, because the manga itself seems to support this; I'll never forget that picture of All Might smiling at Izuku and Bakugou fondly as Bakugou yells his head off, absolutely losing his shit like a bratty five year old, while Izuku is just patiently trying to fight through the torrent of verbal vomit and get to the other side.

Dawww.

Bakugou screaming his head off less than a foot from Izuku's head, probably causing permanent hearing loss? Adorable. Look at what great friends they are, you love to see it!

...I'm sorry? Is... is that what you think friendship is? Do you have a friend that just spends all their free time belittling you? No, I'm being serious: do you have a friend like that? Because, in all seriousness, if you do, I really want you to reassess that relationship.

But, I can almost hear someone say, me and my friend mock each other all the time! Or, maybe, my friend calls me an idiot or some such, but they mean it affectionately!

....Alright, let's break this down a little. A good, healthy relationship, a friendship, whatever, is give and take. You get something out of it, and the other person gets something out of it. It's built off connections, something that bind you together, and mutual trust.

Let me put it like this: let's say your friend calls you a name, and because of your history, that name, that may or may not seem insulting, is in fact not insulting, but instead references your history together. Do they use your actual name? Or does using it cause them almost physical pain, to the point they've only used it once in literal years?

Or this: you fight with your friend. Or berate them. Or something like that. Do you... stop? Do you do something with them other than that? Do you yell at them, just... flat out scream at them, on the top of your lungs? Is all that you do yell at them?

Do you hurt your friends? And I'm not talking about friendly punching: do you throw frozen snowballs at their head? Do you impale them with sharp metal objects?

Yeah... that's the thing with Bakugou's 'friendship' with Izuku: there's no actual friendship to it. Bakugou insults and attacks Izuku, and in response he.... puts up with it. All friendships are different, sure, but there is a line, where things cross over into cruelty or abusive behavior: I have a friend who I mock, and I would never do to them what Bakugou does to Izuku all the fucking time. Ever. I hope with all sincerity that if I did what Bakugou does? That someone would slap me, because that is not OK.

More than that, though, is the fact that a good friendship should be more than that: even good hearted ribbing can be hurtful if it happens too much. When does Bakugou stop? When has Bakugou interact with Izuku in a healthy way? When have they just had a conversation, one where he isn't yelling, that's not loaded with hurtful subtext from the past, or with Bakugou demanding something from Izuku, anything like that? When do they.... play video games, or engage in some sort of activity together? And, before anyone says something, that is not part of the training they do as part of their school, as ordered by their teacher, because that doesn't actually count (not that he does that then, either).

And, on that topic.... 'But Bakugou saved Izuku's life!'. Well. First off that entire situation, as I've said before, is stupid forced bullshit to railroad Izuku into needing to be saved at all, while somehow giving Bakugou enough time to save him (even though Izuku could... save himself in that situation, since Bakugou had all this time to fly over?), all while making him act OOC, in that 'He's totally redeemed, guys!' way Hori loves, to make him save Izuku at all!

But let's ignore that. Let's say that, actually, Bakugou just saved Izuku in a normal way. Here's the thing: saving people is, in fact, his actual job. It doesn't matter if it was Izuku, or Bakugou's mom, or some random scrub off the street: Bakugou's actual job, as a hero, is to save people. Him doing it is something that deserves acknowledgement, sure (if only because of how wildly out of his usual behavior patterns that is), but it's not a sign of friendship. The entire point of that, as Bakugou's 'growth', is that he grew enough to get past his ego to help other people like a hero should.

And, I swear to fuck, if you try to tell me Bakugou 'apologizing' to Izuku, insincerely by his own admission, after attacking him, is a sign of friendship? I really, really, really, want you to sit down, picture your friend leading a mob of people you trust to attack you, after you've spent days alone, fighting for your life against people trying to kill you, only for them to promptly apologize while saying 'it changes nothing'.

Think about that, and think about how that would make you feel.

[animentality]

i have been playing an oathbreaker paladin for the first time lately cause i heard there is unique dialogue with the oathbreaker knight and durge, and oh my god. ironically it wasnt the unique dialogue that got me so much as oathbreaker's generic dialogue when you ask him about his own oath. he says:

"i served a noble lord. i fought for him without question or restraint. where his light shone, my sword followed. in his name i razed villages, put thousands to the sword. i believed our greater purpose required such brutality, such sacrifice. but his light was so radiant, it blinded me to all else. i could not see the darkness and corruption of the path he led me down. when i finally saw the truth, he would not be reasoned with. so i ended him."

i went crazy hearing this last night because his story is an exact mirror of the story i had in mind for my durge.

(he's resisting the urge and i was going to have him kill gortash as part of his whole quest to set things right and make up for the mistakes of his past self, to not let himself be blinded by the feelings he still has for him. and then there i was listening to the oathbreaker foreshadow almost exactly that.)

and not only that, but then all the references to the unnamed lord's "radiant light"?? the lines i bolded. obviously oathbreaker's lord was not gortash or anything lol im not suggesting that. rather it made me think about all the gortash/lathander dicussion i've been seeing lately. the sun motifs, the dazzling ray spell on his crossbow, the meaning of his name, etc etc so it made it feel even MORE like a mirror of my durge's situation.

so in conclusion my durgetash tinhatting for the next few days is going to be about how the oathbreaker and his lord is a mirror for durge and gortash and im not normal about it

ok first off, your roleplay is exquisite. well done.

second, they like...had to know what they were doing, by making his name meaning luminous, and having him use radiant damage, and all of his clothes just screaming sun, light, creation.

plus the oathbreaker mentions you've broken your oath before.

for gortash, I presume, like what else would you break it for?

were you trying to be good, or...was it because they kept sparing him, when they shouldn't have?

and now...you are an oathbreaker...and you will fix the mistakes of your past.

i love thematic flips like that.

your rp game is on point, anon.

[zhounauts]

one hit is all it takes ; k.gyuvin

✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*・゜゜・．*:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧.・゜゜・*:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧

CHAPTER 1 ! hit and run

word count ! 482 words

masterlist next

✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*・゜゜・．*:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧.・゜゜・*:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧

You were never a competitive person.

Well - you were never competitive, until your team somehow managed to completely bulldoze its way through the brackets of your gym class’ handball tournament. Next thing you knew, your team was in the finals; and now here you were, running around the court at ungodly speeds trying to get the ball.

"ANDDDD THE BLUE TEAM HAS THE BALL! I REPEAT, THE BLUE TEAM IS IN POSSESSION!" Junhyeon, the self-appointed commentator, yells. You watch as Haruto, on the opposite team, holds the ball in his hands, desperately trying to find an open teammate. He chucks it towards Keita, but just as quickly as the ball had left his hand, your teammate Seunghwan had intercepted it.

"OH SEUNGHWAN! HE’S GOT THE BALL! RED HAS THE BALL! GENTS AND LADIES THEY’RE CURRENTLY AT A TIE. WILL RED BE ABLE TO BREAK IT?" Junhyeon screams, causing the students on the side to erupt in cheers. You run across the court as Seunghwan carefully steps forwards, and then you see it. An opening. 

"OH, AND WHERE IS Y/N GOING? WOAH SHE’S MOVING FAST! LOOK AT HER GO!"

"SEUNGHWAN! OVER HERE!" you scream, sprinting towards blue’s net. Seunghwan’s eyes meet yours and he passes the ball to you. You locked in on the ball. Here it comes, you think to yourself. Your hands reach up, and you jump. "SHE’S GOT THE BALL! SHE’S GOT THE BALL! LETS GO Y/N!!" 

The world seemed to be moving at 0.25x speed as you put all your strength into the shot. You could feel the pressure from the audience and from your teammates. This one shot meant everything.

Everything. 

.

.

.

The ball sails through the air and makes its way exactly to Red’s net. Your aim was impeccable. There was no way it wouldn’t be in; victory was yours. But just as the ball was about to sail through the net, their goalie, Gyuvin, dove to block it and —

 SMACK! 

"OH SHIT.”

. 

.

.

The whole gym pauses as Gyuvin lay sprawled out on the floor. You continue to stand in your spot dumbly as his team moves to surround him and make sure he’s ok. The gym is loud again, with people screaming, trying to get closer to the court to see the damage you had inflicted on the boy.

“EVERYBODY CALM DOWN I DO NOT BELIEVE HE IS DEAD—” Junhyeon comments unhelpfully as the P.E. teacher dashes across the court to where Gyuvin lies. You watch the chaos unfold in front of you and start to freak out. Why? Because Gyuvin was, well, The Kim Gyuvin. 

Yeah, it was cringy as hell to refer to him as that but he was popular. He had fans who’d soon be plotting your murder, and was part of the popular boy friend group. So you did what any reasonable person would do. You ran away!!!

✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*・゜゜・．*:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧.・゜゜・*:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧

TAGLIST ! @yeolaegi

✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*・゜゜・．*:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧.・゜゜・*:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧

a/n let me know your thoughts! i write a lot but don't usually post it or anything so lemme know what you guys think + what to improve.

+ if ur a grammar person i deeply sincerely apologize for the back and forth between past and present tense. my proofreader mentioned it as well 😞💪

[ghostscrown]

Let me introduce you to... a typical Ninjago season :

Lloyd gets kidnapped at least once

Cole adopts some traumatized kids / creatures he found in a forgotten, lonely place

Jay becomes the leader of a cult or something

Zane "dies" for the 182737492th time

Nya kicks something (or someone)

Kai runs straight into the danger powered with raw confidence and survives only by pure luck

New outfits for everyone

The animation had another glow up

Jay and Cole are paired for a mission but they have the worst influence on each other's dumbness and mess up so bad you wonder why they're still allowed to work together

Kai tries to show off but miserably fails

Lloyd thinks he's Steven Universe and tries to redeem a villain

Jay spends 99% of his screentime uncontrollably yelling

Wu reveals crazy family lore he was hiding since forever

Kai gets rejected by Skylor

Cole wants cake. Now.

Lloyd gets more daddy issues than he already had (you didn't know it was even possible)

Star Wars reference

Wth is Garmadon doing this time ?

Nya is constantly on the verge of committing murder

Kai bullies Jay

Pixal somehow manages to stay calm

Lloyd is still in his angsty teenage era except he's now a grown adult

Zane is silly, the worst things possible happen to him, then he's silly again

There's another plot hole but the lore is so crazy already no one is gonna care

Shout out to Ninjago City citizen still living here knowing their lives are in constant danger every single second they stay in this place

Nya and Jay keeps being the only healthy stable romance in the whole show

Dareth unexpectedly ends up being useful

Lloyd do the thing with his eyes when it's getting serious (you instantly start screaming)

Kai says "fiyah"

"Yep so I saw [a main character] falling of a rock so they're definitely dead." "But maybe they..." - "NOPE. THEY'RE DEAD" - "aww ok" (they are, in fact, alive)

The team yells "ninja, go !" at least once

Characters are listening to music. It's The Weekend Whip by The Fold.

Why does someone has to stay behind and why is it Zane.

"You know I'm very old I'm gonna die soon" has said Wu every single day of the past 100 years of his life

Nya builds crazy vehicles again

This is a found family trope and they want you to know it

You spotted a pride flag in the background of a 0.5 seconds action scene and you already know the homophobic fans are going to lose their minds over it again

Snakes. Snakes everywhere.

A villain has the most brutal death on screen and you wonder how th this got approved for a kid show, until the show itself makes a joke about it

"Gasp ! Are we... Gonna lose our powers ???" (no they won't)

Jay's parents are in danger

Crazy plot twist happens and you suddenly realize it's been foreshadowed every single season in the previous 10 seasons but you never paid attention to it until now

Something that happened in a previous season gets referenced and you nostalgia cry about it for a whole episode

"Omg, was that the last and final season of Ninjago ???" (no it wasn't, nothing can end this show, we'll all die way before it does, now get ready for the next arc because it's probably gonna last ten more years)

[fangirlmedstudentblog]

Ok, so now that I've watched the msp our skyy eps and slept on it, my thoughts are finally a bit more than indecipherable sobbing at every tinngun scene lol.

Spoilers for anyone who hasn't seen the our skyy 2 my school president episodes yet

Me after just looking at tinngun pics yesterday after the ep ended

But i will say one thing they've done well in these 2 eps is UNDERSTAND how to do a life swap au. It was one of my bigger fears about the our skyy msp episodes. Because life swap/role swap aus are often hard to get right. And I'm happy they understood the assignment 😃

Because i absolutely LOVE how they've swapped the lives of Tinn and Gun and how you can see it's changed so much about them, but yet at the core they're still the same tinn and gun we know and love!

I really appreciate how they've just kept the fact that Tinn is still so much more confident and ready to *go* for something despite the fear of rejection and Gun's still more hesitant, still the same boy who is still afraid of *why* he's so loved. (I have a feeling that his dad isn't alive even in this universe, though I'll be happy if that's wrong)

I've seen meta saying how Gun not having that creative outlet as in the original universe has kinda made him more subdued (he's still bratty). And it's so true.

Also there's something to be said around Gun's willingness to pine away from afar and just be happy in the moments he gets with Tinn that is so *him* but also a little nod to those in real life who are not as bold as the original Tinn. Gun's insecurities are something MANY of us have irl.

Gun always has been the one who's a bit more hesitant and it's always been Tinn who quietly but steadfastly just patiently waits for Gun, has always seen Gun and just aaahhhhhh it's so GOOD the way these two ALWAYS support each other 😭😭

Like how @bengiyo says it in their our skyy ep 2 recap, these eps show just how much of Tinn's trust and confidence in himself and his feelings were critical to the way the og msp unfolded and gave us so many of the moments we squeal about.

Also credit to @lurkingshan and @distant-screaming for their thoughts on this episode who are articulating what i feel much more concisely and without ending up writing a mini essay lmao

With that who talk of Gun and Por in the school bench scene (Never Let me Go school I see ya!) it's such a beautiful talk. The whole sequence is such a nudge to Gun and to those of us who are hesitant in real life to do a particular thing that there's not much use just thinking about what your alternate universe self will do and instead just try to go for it in your *own* universe.

I also loved all the references to aof's past works in the mv and the ost as usual are bangers. (Someone please buy me the ost album 😭)

If I had to say, maybe there's just three things I'd complain a little about these eps:

One, there should have been more i absolutely LOVED it

Two, i would've liked TinnGun to maybe have (1) new scene and a small cheek kiss at least (this is a bit more of a personal thing) maybe at that 1 year point ? I would've liked to see it at that point at least but that hand holding was also excellent 10/10 sobbed a lot

Three, I would've liked a glimpse into the lives of the original universe and how they are doing now (I miss them so much MY BABIES) and if that time skip scene had been for the original universe TinnGun somehow i would've loved it even more

Anyways that's all i have to say about these our skyy eps for msp (for now) and thanks for reading through my ramblings 💜

[jjtheresidentbaby]

HELLO LOVE!!! @bebbie-bilinski AGAIN!!

ok like we discussed this is def gonna be a more hurt/comfort oriented request :P

as always regressor!stiles and cg!derek at the loft haha

ok i was wondering if you could maybe do something where stiles is upset -very upset- we're talking ugly crying inconsolable throwing pillows full speed at walls that sort of upset tho im not too sure as to why he could be upset maybe its all the stress of having near death experiences thanks to the supernatural world or maybe its due to thinking about past trauma too much (or take some creative liberties! u know i'll eat it up regardless) im thinking stiles will be big during this and derek tries frantically to help in whatever way he can and once hes calmed down hes just too exhausted to do anything else but regress and recuperate from all the big emotions :P then its all derek asking what stiles wants to get comfy and big ol clueless stares from stiles cus he has no idea what he wants lol im not sure if id rather they be alone when stiles regresses or maybe peters there too anyways theres obligatory cuddles in big comfy t shirts and!! itty-bitty-baby regressor stiles coded pretty please (´∀｀)♡ ! god im so sorry this is so long i hope that was detailed enough!

˚₊· ͟͟͞͞➳❥ remembering ໒꒱ ⋆ﾟ⊹

|| stiles stilinski & derek hale & peter hale || read on ao3

notes: this got requested and hour ago and I’m already answering it & it’s midnight, someone pray for me

warnings: set after s3 before s4, mentions/talk of void stiles, crying, angst, hurt/comfort, pet names, Peter being referred to as “papa”

-

Derek watches in horror as Stiles scream sobs in the middle of the lofts living room, his hands are grabbing at his throat as though he can’t breathe, body halfway bent in on itself as he only grows louder. Derek doesn’t know what to do. Stiles had texted him asking if he could come over, saying he felt upset and maybe a slip coming, Derek of course replied immediately saying he’d be waiting.

What Derek didn’t expect was to open the loft door to Stiles already crying, thick tears staining his pale skin and hiccuping breaths leaving his chest. Derek had tried to pull Stiles into his arms, the little usually clings to Derek when upset, but he got pushed away from. There’s been no explanation as to why Stiles is so upset but that doesn’t seem to matter to Derek, he’s too heartbroken to think about it.

“Stiles, Stiles please breathe, it’s okay.” Whether or not Stiles can even hear Derek’s voice is really up for debate, Derek keeps trying anyways. His own tears threatening to spill when Stiles’ knees shake and he drops to the ground, Derek right by his side.

“I can’t- I can’t Der, I can’t!” Small red lines appear on Stiles’ throat where he scratches at the skin, Hale catching his wrists before it can get any worse. The last thing he needs is to try and preform first aid while Stiles is in this state.

“Can’t what? What is it baby? Talk to me.” It shakes coming out of Derek’s mouth, hating how Stiles cries even harder.

“It’s too much! I don’t want it!” Stiles sobs before falling into Derek’s chest, screaming as loud as he can get before another sob bubbles from his throat.

“What don’t you want? You gotta talk to me, let me help.” Derek’s voice is hoarse with desperation, allowing Stiles to hit at his sides after Derek releases his wrists.

“All of it! I- I remember it all Der, I don’t want it, please. Please make it go away.” The begging tone and pleading eyes sent Derek’s way is enough for his breath to catch. He suddenly knows what this is all about, void Stiles, the hell that happened last year and still haunts his little night and day. Hale can’t imagine what it felt like to have someone control Stiles’ mind like that, but he knows what Stiles tells him, and that alone is enough to make Derek nauseous.

“It wasn’t you, it wasn’t you baby. It’s okay.” He soothes the best he can despite knowing how little it really does. Nothing can fix what happened, or the results it left behind.

“I don’t want to remember, I hate it. I wanna go back, let me go back.” Stiles’ hands cling around Dereks neck, fingers pulling at the t shirt he has on so tightly the material could rip.

“Go back where?” If there’s a place Stiles wants to go that’ll comfort him Derek will move hell on earth to get him there.

“To before. When- when void didn’t exist, to before it all happened.” Oh.

“Oh honey…” Derek has no words to say, he can only pull Stiles up into his lap more and rub his hand down the brunettes back. There’s still small whimpers and tears spilling from Stiles, Derek hates that he can’t make it all feel better, that he can’t take this kind of hurt away. He wishes he could hold Stiles’ hand and watch his veins turn black as he drained Stiles of his pain, but this isn’t physical, and there’s no easy fix to it.

“I want papa.” There’s a tremble when Stiles talks, he’s obviously dropped into his regression, a younger headspace from what Derek can tell just by his voice. And he wants Peter. Derek knows Peter went out to the grocery store at least an hour ago, he hopes he’ll be getting back soon.

“I’ll text him, okay?” Stiles nods along, eyes already drooping with exhaustion from his overwhelmed state. The attire he has on can’t be comfortable, jeans and a t shirt is fine while big but Hale knows Stiles will want something softer in his regressed state.

With that, Derek decides Stiles should change and quickly picks him up to walk them over to Peters bedroom, knowing that Stiles will want to wear something of Peters if he’s not here. He always likes to have something of one of his caregivers on, whether it he Derek’s hoodie or Peters shirt all depends on who Stiles is feeling clinger towards.

“Which one do you wanna wear?” The top drawer of Peters dresser is open wide enough for Stiles to see each t shirt folded neatly, Peters always been a precise person and his organization never fails to portray that.

“Do you want me to pick for you?” After a long beat of silence where Stiles only stares blankly into the drawer Derek figures he’d have a better bet choosing himself. Stiles nods in approval before Hale grabs the cranberry red t shirt that he knows is oversized even for Peter so it should be hanging off of Stiles, how he likes his shirts to be when small.

“Alright buddy let me text your papa and then we’ll get you out of those clothes.” A quick text messily explaining everything that just happened gets sent out quickly to Peter, he replies immediately, assuring Derek he’d be home as soon as he could and that grocery shopping would have to wait.

-

Once Stiles is changed into a small pair of pajama shorts and Peters shirt, him and Derek curl into the couch together. There’s a kids show playing lowly but neither are paying attention. Stiles is chewing the collar of Peters shirt, having refused a tether or pacifier, and Derek’s busy focusing in on Stiles’ heartbeat. It’s normal, not spiking in anxiety or panic, he should be relaxing with that information. He can’t. His brain is too busy running through what possibly could’ve happened to trigger Stiles like that.

It could’ve been his own overthinking, that’s happened a couple times, but never lead to that intense of a reaction. Derek prays silently that it wasn’t somebody saying something to upset Stiles, or a random bout of flashbacks as that always leaves Stiles restless for at least a few days if not a full week.

“Munchkin! What happened?!” Peters booming voice cuts through Derek’s thoughts and he’s quickly met with Peter barreling over to where the two are on the couch. Stiles instantaneously climbs off of Derek to cling around Peter with a happy giggle at Peter hugging him in close. At least he’s calmed down now.

“Are you okay sweetheart?” Seconds pass where Stiles just stares at Peter, the older Hale obviously growing more concerned as his brow furrows and Derek swears his eyes couldn’t grow any wider.

“Papa!” Stiles finally bursts out and latches around Peter again, it makes both the caregivers give out a small sigh of relief and chuckle at Stiles’ endless need for affection and his lack of communication skills in baby space.

Derek knows he and Peter will have to talk about what happened once Stiles goes to sleep, which shouldn’t be too far away with how tired he looks. The questions buzzing in his head will have to wait to get answered, and Peter might genuinely never let Stiles leave the loft again, but for now Derek leans back into the couch and tries to relax. Peter gives him a knowing look, that one that says he can feel how much tension Derek still holds about the situation, he lets Peter knock his shoulder into Derek in support. They’ll figure it out.

[prettyflyshyguy]

S4 babey give it up for S4

I'm feeling bad today and the loser failboy Sam curse is still on me SO

liveblogging to cheer myself up

S4E3 - In the Beginning

(Cas sends Dean back in time and he meets his parents when they were dating. For context. Dean's mum has already made one passing comment, Dean made a passing comment, I'm fucking SWEATING)

DON'T BE FUCKING WEIRD

DON'T BE FUCKING WEIRD

DON'T BE FUCKING WEIRD

REJOICE

THEY WROTE A CHARACTER WHO DOESN'T INSTANTLY LOSE ALL THEIR DEPTH AND THEIR BRAINS FALL OUT OF THEIR HEAD UPON MEETING A WINCHESTER SIBLING

(Dean's mum is full committed to Dean's dad and we LOVE to see a happy healthy relationship we love to see it oh god I'm opinionated on how this show writes its women sometimes SOMETIMES)

-

I regret to report my enjoyment of this series is starting to DIP however I must continue as I REQUIRE KNOWLEDGE to write the fucking fic

I'm cursed with the disease of needing to cover all context, continuity, or at least have the knowledge so I can break it and rebuild it in a way that works, I don't want to Not Get a character and write them wrong, I need to reference the past, I need to pay homage

PRINCIPAL SKINNER????

I love Samuel. He's great.

Christ the entire winchester bloodline is just people selling something to a demon on repeat

-

S4E4 - Metamorphosis

Alright you can't give me an episode named like this and not pop off

do NOT disappoint me spn (I'm about to be dissapointed)

OH NAUR

SAYUM

(NOT APOLOGISING FOR THAT. YOU CAN LAUGH AT US FOR HOW WE SAY NO ALL YOU WANT BUT THAT'S HOW DEAN SAYS SAM WHEN HE'S AGITATED)

REAL FAILBOY SAD HOURS LETS FUCKING GO

In all seriousness this is a PHENOMENAL reveal scene on Sam's powers and Dean's response. I'm living for the tension. It fuels me.

"If I didn't know you I would wanna hunt you."

Going to be chewing on this line for the next month. Thanks. Thanks for this. Thanks.

Fuck you supernatural. Fuck you.

AND WE VIOLENTLY SHIFT TO THIS HAHAHAHAHA YES

Shoutout to the sound design team once again because every time this dude smashes food into his mouth it makes me want to start screaming violently (congratulations you've made the most triggering eating noises I've ever had the displeasure of experiencing AND I MEAN THAT AS A COMPLIMENT, ITS SO AWFULL BUT THAT MAKES IT SO GOOD)

Having very normal thoughts about this episode.

See if people had told me this show does the whole blood hunger thing as good as it does I'd probably have been on this years ago.

Who's doing this on the writing team. I need to thank them.

I don't have any intelligent words to describe this scene where Sam confronts Dean about (Sam's) insecurities over how Dean feels about him having demon blood, and the complications that brings to his life

other than to just post this

Thanks Supernatural this is good. This is really good.

HRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR

RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR

FUCK YOU SUPERNATURAL

FUCK YOU

HOW FUCKING DARE YOU

UGH

Ok FUCK OFF that was a good episode

HUGE THOUGHTS AND FEELINGS AND OPINIONS ON THIS COMING AWAY

[kaus-quietis]

Greetings, Anon! Thank you for your questions. I have to admit, even in the past, I refrained from posting reactions or speculations as BSD chapters release, but you already knew that, so I will indulge you. I'll answer each part of your ask. BSD ch113 thoughts below, manga spoilers ahead.

♠ "What was your raw reaction?" It was not a calm, quiet one, I can tell you that. No, in fact I screamed with excitement as if I was in a Roman amphitheatre and my favourite gladiator just got back up on his feet, out of sheer force of will, grinning and sweaty. My scream was the fastest way I could "verbalize" the fact that I was overjoyed to see him alive again, even if it's in the 15th century, and on top of that he seemed to be some kind of spy monk all chained up and having what seems to be a ridiculous amount of fun getting caught and discussing with Bram. This is all very in-character for him.

♠ "Was that something you expected?" Absolutely not. Yes, yes, I truly did not expect a jump back in time and this infobomb drop, despite the fact that we did get a few hints that Fedya seemed present at past events when all the other character really appeared younger than him (near the end of S4ep3, where on a rooftop Fedya says "It's not V, it's Five" and I am seriously like bruh I give up what I want to say is I need more data to work with, what am I supposed to do with this, rationally speaking?). However, we can't yet extract anything conclusive from this. Is he ageless? A time-traveler? Immortal? Does he revive? When was he born? Was he born at all or created differently somehow? Is he of BSD's world, or an external one (Beast liveaction finale anyone?)? Is this all within the Book and he's just… idk flipping the pages? Anything is possible and I refuse to spend a lot of time working with incomplete data. This is not very follower-friendly (as in, my blog is basically inactive in-between), I know and I apologize, but if after many chapters there will be something worthwile to add to my essay (with what Fukuchi said in ch113 I already have important stuff to add), under those circumstances I will consider writing an update. It's not yet time.

♠ "<Was that> something you felt different for the characterization we all made for Fyodor?" Hmm, I would hesitate to refer to a characterization "we all made" for him (I wish! T o T), because my analysis and blog are but a tiny tiny part of the fandom (I think…? I wonder about my Fedya essay's reach or influence sometimes). But let's say here we refer to one that comes close to what I tried to show in my essay. In that case, I would say that there is nothing to fear here in this chapter, but it's very understandable to have massive trust issues at this point. We went through a miserable, miserable time when the previous ones made the guy who visually memorized a full deck of used cards somehow not notice Chuuya wearing contacts and fake vampire teeth, despite knowing the vampire race since… well, the 15th century! I cannot even begin to describe what I felt reading ch111.5-112, I was beyond repulsed. Lovers of "villain" characters understand the following thing well: in most media, our fav has to lose, he has to die or disappear at some point, with rare exceptions. I, too, know this well, but that was no compelling way to solve BSD's villain threat. I still don't know how BSD will wash away that narrative stain, as I consider it, but then again one of the reasons we love this manga is that it keeps us on the edge of our seats and the most absurd yet fun turns can happen out of the blue. We can reasonably ask ourselves: ok, what is the purpose of showing Fedya's backstory now? If it's for build-up, we can already start grinning like Cheshire cats. What could possibly be next? I'm cautiously optimistic, things look in-character and good to me. Very good, in fact.

♠ "Or do you think it is later on going add some depth to his character?" Backstories are shown usually for a very clear purpose. We don't know the purpose yet, but if it's done well, then… then my whole essay could be at risk lmao (and I love this sensation). New info could add so much depth to his character, in fact, that his previously observed traits could gain new meanings, or even contradictory ones. Whichever it will be, I think it's pretty safe to bet on "his backstory will be very relevant".

♠ Bonus: even if I enjoy going "full analytical" and enter conference speech mode when asked, I am driven by strong emotions, by which I want to say – I am not immune to assassin/spy monk Fedya chained up like that and having the time of his life again. I missed seeing him entertained like that, and his current …………. visual representation in the.. uh. ..chapter, yeah, well, it's doing things to my Depeche Mode-worshipping heart.

Anyway, to conclude with some facts we know as of now:

a. Fedya and Bram are inside the Bran Castle, close to the Romanian city of Brașov, "deep in the Carpathians" although not built at high altitude itself. It's basically a fortress built between 1377-1388, with several later additions. The BSD representation of it is very accurate to how it looks today. It's near perfect, actually, I applaud.

b. Bram mentions King Matthias, and in this context that can only mean Matthias Corvinus, King of Hungary for 1458-1490. The meeting between Fedya and Bram thus happens some year during his reign, when Transylvania was still part of the Kingdom of Hungary. What is still strange to me is that I can't pinpoint Bram's exact position, as in… were his people independent? Or avoided? I feel like I need to re-read past Bram-related chapters to think about this.

c. Nevermind Bram, the things that Fukuchi says, those are the real goldmine here, but the gold is still… encrypted? I mean: Fedya made the DoA plan (more than confirmed now), and because Fukuchi asked for the condition to keep casualties under 500, Fedya respected that and we got entertained for like half of the whole BSD manga: using coin bombs for terror, for economic/political destabilization, using the vampire infection to avoid further violence, these things. The more you think about it, the more insane it gets. Since Fedya agreed to this condition, it means causing (more) deaths and violence were expendable things to him. (But imagine this: Fukuchi said "I want max. 500 deaths" and Fedya said "Yeah I can do that", now if Fukuchi would've said "I want max. 2 deaths" I really believe Fedya would've still said "Yeah I can do that". What can't he do, especially since murder for murder's sake isn't his goal?). This is in perfect harmony with his "necessary deaths only" approach so far, and much much more. There are far more implications in what Fukuchi said, which I won't type out here now. Gotta keep them and build around them for a future analysis update.

This was a rather long read, but still, I hope this satisfies your curiosities, Anon. *bows dramatically & disappears in a borderline insufferable ENTP way*