#lets defeat shadow by giving him unconditional love and affection

[ohposhers]

sonic movie 3 scribble page cause i love to spend my time doing anything and everything that isnt work

[feith-rikya]

All these characters are from an RPG campaign called; Gehenna's Gates, set in the world of Vampire The Masquerade. Feel free to ask any questions!

Danya and her most important relationships masterpost!

Danya Vetranov/Rudolf the Vile/Rudanya:

Their paths crossed in London, initially marked by clashes and mutual contempt. Their opposing personalities, with Rudolf stern and tormented and Danya rebellious and audacious, generated friction. However, the obligation to cooperate revealed unexpected sides in both: Rudolf let himself be captivated by Danya's intuition and heart. Over time, a protective and loving bond grew between them, challenging their natures and prejudices.

After defeating the Prince of London, and Danya's former partner, Anselm Godwyn, she finally decided to give Rudolf a chance. Despite Rudolf's deep-seated uncertainties and dark past, which had hurt her, Danya let go of her reserve, allowing love to blossom. From that moment, their love became an anchor, a light in a world of vampires lacking empathy.

Danya became the light that lifted Rudolf from his inner shadows, as he gave his all to her with unconditional passion. But the road to happiness was winding. Rudolf's past kept coming back to haunt them, and Danya's choice to keep her humanity brought her into conflict with a world of darkness and ambiguity.

Danya Vetranov/Anselm Godwyn/Danselm:

Even if this star crossed lovers had their bond severed by a demon, there is still a deep affection between them. For Anselm it's still a deep love, but he respects her enough to let her be with her present companion.

For Danya he will always be her first love, a mentor, and a friend... but she knows that if it wasn't for Ekron they would still be together and they will both be very different people for it. maybe better, maybe worse.

There is no chance that Anselm can move past her, he is cursed that way, and her heart will always suffer for him, always afraid that one he will snap or leave forever.

Danya Vetranov & Devon Eskarra:

In a world where their paths rarely crossed, Danya and Devon were as different as night and day. Danya, with a compassionate Ravnos heart, and Devon, a former serial killer Lasombra, seemed to have little common ground.

But their tale takes a twist after Becker's passing, when Devon's behavior spirals out of control, even leading to an attack on Elizabeth. She tried to use a blood bond to tame him, which only fueled the chaos. A coterie member decided to investigate Devon, sparking a deadly showdown with his lupine guardian that ended in their deaths and further stoked Devon's anger. Recognizing the explosive potential in Devon, Danya decided to take a different approach. She aimed to treat him as someone who had lost a companion and friend within a month, appealing to his humanity while setting aside her disgust and fear.

During their conversation, Danya expressed her disagreement with his past actions but extended her condolences for the loss of his companion – a gesture that left a deep impression on Devon. From there, they talked, and he offered her an enchanted black rose as a token of gratitude. What began as a quest to keep an eye on him turned into an unexpected friendship, hidden from their coterie. Danya introduced him to ordinary activities like visiting pubs, shopping, and indulging in carefree, even reckless, antics. Devon followed along with bemusement.

Danya Vetranov & Jonah: 

Danya met Jonah as the owner of Elysium, thinking of him as just an eccentric person, with his head in the clouds and a fixation on whales. So, in her innocence, she had befriended him, treating him a bit like the child he seemed to be, and on the other side the ancient vampire didn't seem to mind. After many gifts of whales of all kinds and sizes, they became like siblings, but neither was truly aware of the other's abilities.

Danya had a harsh awakening when she discovered that behind the figure of the Mother, the True Black Hand, the death of hundreds of Malkavians was actually Jonah's doing. Jonah, who was nothing more than the projection of the desire of an old madman to exterminate every single vampire on the face of the earth. Born with hatred for his own kind and himself, restrained only by the love of the people around him.

When the altars were discovered, Jonah's behavior became more erratic and unsettling, leading Danya to accidentally summon Lucifer, unleashing a fight that nearly killed Jonah. Jonah retreated into the labyrinth after the injury and was declared an enemy of the coterie. But Danya couldn't let it end like that; she wanted to find that good part of him and bring her brother back home. And so, she wrote him a letter That convinced him to return to Danya, at least to see what she wanted to accomplish. Despite his initial reluctance, tension, and the fear she felt, he eventually gave in. No vampire so young had ever shown him so much courage, after all he could have obliterated her mind with just a thought. Embracing her, he apologized for his behavior, and between them, there was nothing left to hide. If he wanted to destroy vampires, she would do everything to stop him, and they both accepted it. Since then, the peculiar Malkavian has settled in Danya's home, seeking in her the serenity and carefreeness he had never had. Meanwhile the Ravnos, besides keeping an eye on him, desired to recreate that extended family she missed so much from the circus.

Danya Vetranov & Elizabeth Delacy:

Their story began like so many stories between Ventrue and Ravnos: with a deep mutual contempt and underlying distrust. Elizabeth saw Danya simply as the prince's puppet, while Danya thought Elizabeth was just another greedy traitor, in the usual Ventrue mold. But life sometimes has a curious way of setting things in motion.

They were united by a common goal and exasperation at the reckless actions of their traveling companions. This sudden and unexpected bond transformed their relationship, leading them to become great friends, almost like sisters. Together, they managed to establish a government that compensated for Luc's heavy-handedness and Nate's chaotic nature. They found in each other a best friend, a precious confidante and an ally of inestimable value.

Danya Vetranov & Arthur/Lucifer:

The relationship between Danya Vetranov and Arthur was initially rooted in a paternal bond, evolving into a profound connection where Arthur became the father figure Danya had longed for. Arthur, in turn, felt a deep sense of protectiveness toward the girl, viewing her as a cherished ward. Beyond the familial dynamic, Danya found in the man a spiritual guide, one of the few individuals capable of comprehending the intricacies of her humanity path.

However, as the enigmatic figure of Lucien began to manifest from within Arthur, their dynamic underwent a significant transformation. Arthur, once a benevolent mentor, took on a darker and more complex persona. No longer content with merely guiding Danya towards goodness, this newfound aspect of Arthur sought to cultivate a sense of pride and greatness within her. The reasons behind this shift remained shrouded in mystery, leaving Danya to grapple with the evolving nature of her once-mentor, now a figure urging her toward a path of not just virtue but also grandiosity. The underlying motivations behind Arthur's transformation would unravel, revealing a deeper narrative that intertwined their destinies in unforeseen ways.

Samuel Sharabi & Danya Ventranov:

Their paths first converged at London's inaugural coterie gala. Samuel Sharabi, adorned with the mantle of a Sabbath representative and the esteemed title of Archbishop, crossed destinies with Danya Ventranov. A humble member of the government and a skillful PR professional, stood at a different rung of the social ladder.

In the enchanting ambience of the gala, the two Ravnos moved in tandem, their dance echoing with the unmistakable ferocity of their clan. Samuel, a man known for his brusque and morally ambiguous tendencies, may have exuded a certain coarseness, but Danya couldn't help but admire the ascent of a fellow clan member, even if tainted by the antitribu distinction. There was a hint of amusement in her perception of him, a strange charm in his audacity. In Samuel's eyes, she appeared as a mere, naive girl who might serve a momentary dalliance.

Yet, it was this 'naive girl' who would one day perform an act of extraordinary consequence. On the day of Ekron's demise, She unveiled the insidious intentions of Sullyvan, the tzimisce leader of the black hand, regarding the Key of Ekron. Realizing that this revelation didn't originate from Samuel's orders, she offered this vital tip, potentially sparing his life.

[cardudescrown]

Madoc is such a well-written father figure. All of the Duarte siblings are so vastly different but they fit well together. The reason is, they have unconditional love, loyalty, and faith towards one another. Madoc is also like that, but he is in a grey area since his bloodthirst affects the Duarte Siblings too. He knows that he can't kill mercilessly just for the sake of murder, so he tries to make sure that there are tangible benefits to his natural instincts.

He stages a coup d'etat that lets him kill but also recognizes Oak as a royal because prince dain literally tried erasing him. If Oak will be recognized, Madoc was already planning on aiding him during the transition.

In twk, he keeps giving jude tactical advice that helps guide her. Madoc doesn't do this to control her, he is genuinely worried that Jude is wasting her time being loyal to Cardan, who he thinks is a foolish king.

In TCP, Madoc wants Jude to be compensated for bringing Cardan to the Banquet. At this point, he didn't know Jude was planning to go against him. This isn't a betrayal, because they weren't aware that the political opponents would be each other. Jude was secretly prince dains spy, and Madoc secretly conspired with Prince Balekin. They didn't know they were enemies until twk where Madoc finally sees Jude had a massive influence of the actions in TCP (the court of shadows and their spy missions against his tactics)

Everybody respects each other. Oak went back to Madocs house in the mortal world, and he sympathizes with his natural instincts for bloodshed. After what Madoc did to Oak, he still chooses to help him.

Madoc is proud of how far Jude has come. He recognizes the power she earned and her intellect when he appeared in TSH, but he acts bittersweet because she defeated him in his field of expertise (war strategy).

Madoc is such a fascinating character to me.

Like, this is a guy who really, truly cares about family. Not even in the warrior sense of family honour or loyalty— although that too— but in the most like, cereal-packet, Saturday Morning Cartoon way possible.

On some level Madoc's main goal in life is to come home every evening to a well-cared for, loving stay-at-home wife, and a gaggle of well-behaved, happy children.

It's just that his other main goal in life is unending war and bloodshed, and he seems to be incapable of understanding why those things don't mesh.

Dude has two wives and four kids (that we know of). He loves/loved all of them deeply. He murdered one and almost succeeded in murdering another. Two of them ended up having to be hidden from him in the mortal world for their own safety. Three of them have faced him in direct combat. Literally all of them have at some point either conspired against him or aided somebody else in conspiring against him.

Madoc literally murdered Jude, Taryn and Vivi's parents in front of them. And then took them in and started acting as their new Dad.

He mortally wounded Jude and then asked to be allowed to help her.

He basically tried to invade Elfhame, laid out a plan to establish Jude as a puppet-queen (and we don't know that he didn't know the true secret of the Bridle) and then said that it would be “good to be a family again”.

We're told repeatedly, by Jude, that Red Caps need to shed blood, but we're never really told exactly what this means. The fact that Jude doesn't have any qualms about banning Madoc from using weapons suggests that he probably isn't going to actually die if he doesn't meet his Blood Quota for the century.

Is it an addiction? An instinct? A spiritual obligation? Just something he really, really likes and doesn't want to give up?

Is all the fucked up stuff Madoc does on his path to the throne really just his Red Cap instincts getting the better of him?

Or is it just that we're getting all this from the POV of his daughter, who needs some way to explain in her mind the separation between 'Madoc her Dad' and 'Madoc the General-Turned-Traitor'?

Regardless of how in-control of it he actually is, Madoc's Red Cap status is fundamentally treated by everyone around him as a blank-check for him to be as bloodthirsty as he likes. Even when Jude is actively working against him, she still takes time to clarify, in her internal monologue, that this is just Madoc's nature, that he can't be anything else.

But how much of an issue is it really? Is Madoc incapable of having the family he wants because he's a Red Cap, and Red Caps are incapable of anything other than violence, or because he's a Red Cap, and thus assumes he's exempt from having to make the choice between 'family-man' and 'gore-soaked warlord'?

Is banning him from ever picking up a weapon a punishment because to stop killing people is somehow inherently detrimental to Red Caps? Or because if he survives doing so then it proves that he could have stopped at any time, and thus that everything he's done so far was the result of his own, personal choices?

What would these stories look like from his perspective?

[watatsumiis]

A kind of experimental, poetic little Scaramouche song(?)fic done for a request!

The song in question (?)

Content info: Gender neutral reader x Scaramouche, some general Scara-centric angst, romantic in tone. A lot of imagery and pretty prose-y bits!

You live here in me and for me,

It was dark on the night you met, but those eyes - your eyes - were so full of warmth and light. Reaching out a hand to he who had been so alone for so many long, long years.

You are my source of inspiration.

Despite the way he pushed you away, pulled all his emotions deep inside, still you pursued. Time and time again, stubbornly determined.

You love, sound, breathe, and cry,

Just as he witnessed your best, he weathered your worst, standing still and stoic, though his heart felt like it were being torn asunder all over again to watch your cracks begin to form as he lashes out for the millionth time.

I am the salt in you, I am your kind executioner.

Yet still, you stayed. You pushed as he pulled, and pulled as he pushed, warring back and forth like dogs fighting over scraps. Often, one who is afraid of getting hurt is the one who deals the most pain. The last thing he ever wanted was to injure you, to inflict you with the same scars that he still nurses to this day.

I wish I didn't know you.

Day in, day out, he curses the Archons above, the demons below, and everything inbetween that brought you together on that fateful night, that pulled him into the orbit of your radiating light and warmth and once again brought up his fear of being left all alone.

Laugh at fate, play with you.

Like a cliff face battered by endless waves, he slowly, slowly starts to give in. To soften. To let himself be vulnerable once again. He hates it with every fiber of his being, but he loves it, he loves it, he loves it.

Now I want to save you while you sleep.

He can't stop thinking about you. The way you smile, the way you laugh, the way your hand fits so perfectly in his. It hurts him in the same way that it heals him.

You are my happiness without a doubt.

He didn't want it to be this way. He never wanted it to be this way, but gods, it's happening again. He's being pulled in, his sturdily crafted walls are beginning to crumble.

My pain. Wings in defeat.

He gives in. His broken heart, barely mended, exposed and beating, bleeding raw for you to do with as you please, as much as he denies it, as much as he tries not to believe it.

I am your sky in reflection.

You're so completely open, so kind and gentle and freely handing your love out to those who are in need of it - him especially. He doesn't feel worthy of basking in your light, for the shadow he casts is so long, so dark. He doesn't wish to taint your light.

You know me like I don't.

You learn to know him better than he knows himself, love him like he never learned how.

You are my morning, bright morning.

But slowly, slowly, his skin begins to warm under your radiance. Your adoration for him is unconditional, you'd never willingly leave him behind.

You are my sun, I am the eclipse.

Dark on the inside, but learning how to let light and warmth through, small, inexperienced attempts to reflect your own affections back at you as he finally begins to realise that you aren't going anywhere - at least, not without him close by your side.

Please don't repost, steal, copy or otherwise plagarise my writing! This includes posting translations to other sites.

[oh-my-moomin]

NGE: You Deserve Love

This is an analysis based solely on the og NGE anime series and not the movie or rebirth series so I won’t be mentioning those.

NGE is a psychological horror/apocalypse story dressed up as a mecha. This farce is only totally dropped in the last 2, even 3 episodes. This can make the ending jarring and seem in cohesive, but ultimately my understanding is that none of the ‘plot’ really matters. Seele doesn’t matter, where the angels come from doesn’t really matter, and the final battle doesn’t matter. This is a story exploring loss, the need for connection, loneliness, and humanity. We see this through not only the interactions of the human characters but also through the angels.

THE HUMANS

The Children

A defining trait of all the characters is that they are lonely. The isolation from human connection is brought on both by the high stress apocalypse they all live in, as well as the personal demons they face. The characters all attempt to create bonds with other people, but are held back by their insecurities, fear of vulnerability, and past traumas.

Let’s start with Shinji, as the main character. Having lost his mother at a young age, and being abandoned by this father, he was never able to feel secure. Therefore he takes on a people pleaser attitude, constantly apologizing. His want for validation (particularly from adults in his life) causes him to continue to take action that he doesn't want to, including piloting the EVA. His self hate and insecurity makes it hard for him to make and trust his own choices. So he relies on others to guide him. When this fails, when he doesn't get the love and validation he craves he tries to quite entirely. But this often leads to the people he cares about being hurt. He's trapped between a rock and hard place.

Asuka was also abandoned, however rather than craving support like Shinji, she chooses to live for herself. She craves independence. She needs to know that she is no longer a child that can be hurt and vulnerable. This is largely shown through both her overt sexuality, and her piloting the EVA. She must be in control of the EVA, she must have power, she must be able to prove herself as the best, the strongest. Because inside she still feels like that hurt desperate child, and that is what she hates most about herself. Unlike Shinji, Asuka is brash and rude, and she expects others to give her the same. She barks and expects you to bark back, but can’t always handle it. 

Both of these characters are constantly looking for connection, with both their peers and adults. While Asuka often pushes herself on to people, out of a need to be seen. Shinji cannot take active moves to make meaningful connections, and will shy away from people trying to connect. Asuka hates herself and needs to prove that others love her. Shinji hates himself and cannot imagine that people love him. 

The Adults

One of the running themes in the show is motherhood. Typically it is the mother that is expected to love and care for the child, to raise them, show unconditional love, give unwavering support. None of the characters have had this, Shinji and Asuka search for validation that they lost in adults in different ways. Unfortunately for them, none of the adults present are suitable to be parents. 

The show makes a point to show that the adult characters are all more complex than the children. They have lived longer and therefore had more time to make mistakes, to get stuck in toxic ideals, to ‘be problematic’. They are not concretely good or bad people (mostly), but rather the result of people who grew up in a post apocalyptic world, trying desperately to stop the salvage it, while also trying to make their own connections. Like the child characters, their past traumas make it harder for them to be more open, vulnerable, and weak, to form that human connection. 

I am going to focus on Misato and Ritsuko, since they act as foils when it comes to human connection.

Misato being left as a lone survivor to a terrible accident has left her scared both physically and mentally. Before this she had issues with her parents, as her father seemed to abandon his family in favour of work, leaving her mother devastated. Misato doesn't want to become like her mother, abandoned by a loved one, and she also doesn't want to be her father, a slave to work. To counter this she looks for easy connections, but she never wants to get too close.

When her relationship with Kaji was beginning to feel too real, she began to find flaws. His resemblance to her father was terrifying, so she broke it off. Similarly, when in scenes with Shinji, talking about his insecurities or his want to give up, she is hidden by shadow. She cannot be seen as weak, she cannot offer comfort, she cannot be a mother figure to Shinji. Other ways her searching for easy connection is her drinking beer, or eating take out. She searches for the most basic ways to fulfill her needs, so that she can focus on her main goal of defeating the angels. 

Ritsuko is also desperate to find human connection without vulnerability. By fully closing off the whole world she can have no weakness, something which she resents in Misato. She views herself as above the need for connection in that way, and would rather follow in her mothers foot footsteps as a scientist and a woman. 

She loved and admired her mother, and hated her. She wants to follow in her footsteps but also would hate to fail in the same ways. She saw how her mother failed to actually mother her, and chose to completely reject that part of herself. Instead she cares for cats, and uses those as a surrogate to having a child. She continues her mothers work as a scientist, constantly striving to improve. And when it comes to the ‘woman’ that her mother was, she knew a stubborn woman who focused solely on one man. So Ritsuko also focused on him, to the point of giving up her cat to her grandmother. Both women tried to create an easy connection with him, both felt that they were his equal, and that they found the one connection that mattered. When it was proven to them that they were a second (third) woman this caused them both to break down. For Ritsuko this meant that even though she closed off the whole world, except for one man, she was still too vulnerable. And her only response was to completely shut down. Because she had no one else.

All of the characters are constantly searching for this connection, trying to show affection without getting hurt. Trying to make sense of the end of the world while also making sense of interpersonal relationships. Their own inner demons getting in the way of honest connection. 

Rei

As a clone Rei is a particular case. She is aware that she is not a ‘person’, she isnt meant for human connection. Her isolation is so ingrained into her, planned before she is even ‘born’ so she feels no need to care for anyone except Ikari. She latches onto him, would do anything for him, and has no value in her life because she is aware that she is not real. 

However, she still has a human source, Shinjis mother. A human person, who also needed human connection. Rei, when given the chance, does care for people. Shinji is the first person to see her as a peer, and to treat her with kindness. With this start of forming connections, she begins to feel more human, to develop a further need to connect. Even if it's hard to fully separate from the man who created her.

THE ANGELS

The angels act as a foil to the human need for connection. While all of the human characters are lonely and searching for connection with each other, the angels are also lonely and trying to learn what that even means. 

There is no scene where the angels are working together, they are solitary, all having the same goal of reaching Adam, but incapable of planning together to achieve it. They instead try to create connection to humans, trying to bond and understand them, without knowing that their methods are harmful. 

I believe this can be first seen with the 12th angel. When Shinji is absorbed into the EVA, it is safe to say that the angel was able to understand the merging of human and EVA. This connection allowed Shinji to control the EVA to break free of the angel's shadow. The following month where Shinji is trapped within his EVA, is our first insight into what the human instrumentality project will be like, as well as the goals of the angels. 

Since angels cannot connect to each other, the 15th angel attempts to create connection by forcing itself into Asukas mind. It wants to understand her, her emotions, her thoughts, her connections, her love. For her this is a painful experience, akin to rape. She feels dirtied after it. But the attack is a beam of light, with holy music playing, what should be a calming experience. I believe it is fair to say that the angel cannot understand that it is putting her through pain, as it cannot understand any human experiences. Angels are incapable of understanding their own feelings/experiences/wants, and try to use humans as a study from which they can learn. 

The following angel confronts Rei about her loneliness. Instead of breaking into her mind through light, it directly entered her body. While talking with her, it questioned what loneliness was, trying to understand its own pain and isolation through understanding hers. Its solution is to merge with Rei, as it believes this would solve both problems. 

However, when she refuses, the angel then tries to find another source of connection. Rei cares about Shinji, as both a clone of his mother, and a friend as her own person. The angel can see that this connection is something that she finds precious and tries to take it for itself, as it cannot understand why Shinji wouldn’t feel the same. It cannot understand how complex human connections are, that it cannot simply take Reis form. However, it has learned what pain is, and how to communicate its own pain. As seen when Shinji attacks it. Whether this pain is physical or emotional doesn't matter, because it is the first pain that the angel could express.

The angels discovering what loneliness is acts as a way for the human pilots to begin to explore their own isolation in more depth. For better or worse.

THE FINAL MESSENGER

Our introduction to the final angel is him singing. He takes a human form, can fully communicate to other humans, and doesn’t immediately attack them. This is such a contrast to all other angels that it isn't immediately clear that he even is an angel. Kaworu's first words are (as per the netflix english subtitles)

“Arent songs great? Songs enrich the heart. They're the crowning achievement of Lilin culture” 

He loves humans, human culture, human lives, and the human world. He is the first angel who is able to show this. His ability to understand humans allows him to form human connections, and he does so with Shinji. 

Kaworu loved Shinji. He would seek out Shinji, take time to bond and communicate with him, and help Shinji open up. He wanted to be close with Shinji, and knew how to be gentle in ways that no other human or angel could. He was patient, because he had time. And Shinji was able to open up to him more than with any other character. Shinji  was able to take the initiative to ask to stay with him, to try and form that connection.

All the human characters are struggling with their own demons, with an apocalyptic world. The whole earth is at war and Shinji is in the front lines, surrounded by adults who may want to help him but ultimately can't. Saving everyone is a higher priority to saving one kid, especially when that kid is your strongest soldier. Throughout the series Shinji is given conditional love. It is only when he pilots the EVA, defeats the angels and saves the day that people give him validation. Then comes this boy, who is gentle and kind, who listens. And it's easy, its comfort, its understanding and unconditional love, and its exactly what Shinji has needed for the whole series. 

But as a messenger he could never stay, he's temporary and by the end of the episode he understands this. He still is driven to ‘Adam’, he has a mission, but instead he is confronted with Lilith. Kaworu understands that humans and angels cannot live together in harmony, only one can survive. Both Adam and Litlith were made in god's image, but only Adam could stay in the garden of Eden. Death and Life hold equal value to Kaworu, so he doesn't mind the sacrifice, he would rather die to protect humans, to protect Shinji. He can  also understand that this is difficult, this is murder, this is killing a friend. So he says “thank you” and he waits.

In other episodes when in a battle, Shinji is constantly being yelled at, told what to do, under constant pressure. But here there is just the same patient understanding that Kaworu has always shown him. No rush for him to take action, just time to process and grieve. Because Kaworu knows Shinji will make the hard choice and he waits, and he smiles, and he continues to love Shinji. 

The final angel came down as a messenger and said

“You are important. 

I want to talk to you, to know you. 

You are in pain, you are fragile and should be protected. 

You are worthy of my affection. 

I like you. I love you. I was born just so that I could meet you. 

Our kind cannot survive together, one of us must die. And you deserve to live. 

I will take this burden of death because you deserve a future. 

I am glad I could meet you, thank you. 

I know this is hard, and I know you need time. I will wait.

Thank you.”

That was the last message to humanity.

And because Shinji is human he says back

“We are the same. I love you too. If only one of us could have lived it should have been you. You are better than me. You should have survived.”

[let-the-dream-begin]

A Place to Belong Chapter 20: Time Discovers Truth

Chapter 19

Read on AO3

Claire stood over Brianna’s cot, watching her chest rise and fall. She had no idea how she was supposed to sleep. She reached in and ever so gently rubbed her finger down her little cheek. She was so warm, so soft, so alive. She still hadn’t gotten used to her baby being warm to the touch.

Faith had been ice cold.

Even knowing Brianna was alive, she’d still half expected her to be cold. Hell, she’d expected her to be dead. Her warmth, her life, was a gift. One that she thanked God for every single day, every time she looked at her. 

But now…was she doomed to feel only fear and panic whenever she looked at her? The first weeks were disbelief, gratitude, and unconditional love. Would that forever be replaced with the constant thought of losing her?

Claire knew that epilepsy was quite treatable; epileptics often lived mostly normal lives. But that was in the year 1945. What was she to expect in this time? If her baby had had a seizure in 1945, she’d have rushed her to a hospital, they’d hook her up to machines, scan her brain, monitor her vitals all night. They’d know exactly what part of the brain was being affected, they’d be able to tell her if she’d grow out of it, perhaps give her pills when she was older. The best she could do for her in this time was herbs and constant monitoring. Children in this time died every day of things that were perfectly treatable in 1945.

How could she live with herself knowing that Brianna could have been born in that time, could have had access to the things she needed? Hell, she could have even not developed epilepsy to begin with. The birth likely would not have been nearly as deadly. Jamie had said, when the time comes, to promise him she’d go back. Well, the time had come, and she hadn’t gone back.

Part of her told herself that if Jamie hadn’t been so bullheaded and hadn’t fought at Culloden, if they’d fled together to live the rest of their lives in peace, they’d still be in this time. Brianna’s birth would have been just as terrible. So what truly should have been the catalyst to her going back? Jamie’s death, or the birth of her child? If Jamie hadn’t fought or had survived, and he eventually learned of her pregnancy, would his concern for their health have made him send them back anyway?

The fact of the matter was it was something they’d never gotten the chance to discuss. And either way, it was too late. Brianna was here, and she was sick, and Claire had to do something.

But what?

Claire covered her mouth to stifle a sob, so as to not wake her sleeping baby. She exhaled deeply, shakily. “Oh, my little girl,” she sighed. “What am I going to do?”

Just then, the door opened. “I thought I’d find ye like this.”

Claire finally looked up from the cot to see Jenny in the doorway.

“How is she?”

“She’s…she’s fine right now,” Claire said. “Her breathing is normal, her pulse is normal. She seemed a bit anxious when I last fed her but it’s…it’s normal to feel disoriented. After.”

Jenny nodded. “Ye ken about these…seizures?”

“Yes.”

“Will it happen again?”

“Most likely, yes.”

“There’s no way to stop it.”

Claire sighed, defeated, crossing her arms over her chest. “No, there isn’t. Not here.”

“What do ye mean?”

“Never mind,” Claire said quickly. Jenny crossed the room to join Claire beside the cot.

“She’s a beautiful sleeper, is she no’?” Jenny said, smiling down at her.

“Yes, she is.” Claire covered her mouth again, but Jenny caught her.

“Claire…” Jenny put her hands on her shoulders. “Ye said to Fergus yerself that…that it just happened. That it wasna anybody’s fault. Including yers.”

“But it is…it is my fault…” Claire’s voice faltered. “My body was unable to birth her properly. That’s what caused this…the same way my body couldn’t birth Faith…”

“Claire…”

“Perhaps I’m just…broken…” Claire sobbed. “I’m just…not meant to — ”

“Stop that right now, do ye hear me?” Jenny squeezed her shoulders firmly. “Ye lost yer wee Faith, God rest her poor soul. But Brianna is still wi’ us. And I won’t have ye talking of her as if she isn’t.”

“But if she has another seizure for that long, this young…her brain could just…turn to mush…” Claire wept, suddenly feeling nauseous. “She could be handicapped for her entire life. Because I couldn’t…because I didn’t…”

“That’s enough,” Jenny said firmly, but she pulled her quickly into a warm embrace. She held her as she cried into her shoulder.

“I let this happen…I let this happen…” she murmured, over and over.

Jenny hushed her, and soothed her, stroked her head, rubbed her back, but there was no consoling her. Jenny gently guided her to sit on the bed.

“How could ye have let it happen?” Jenny said, standing in front of her, hands on her shoulders. “You yourself took great care while ye carried her. Every precaution. Remember? Ye did everything ye could.”

“It wasn’t enough…I should have…I should…”

“You should have what, Claire?”

“I should have kept my promise!” she wailed.

Jenny processed for a moment. “Yer promise…to Jamie. The one ye told me about.” Claire nodded. “What do ye mean? How could that have changed anything?” Claire shook her head, wiped her face, and rubbed her eyes. “Tell me what ye promised, sister. Help me understand, I want to understand.”

Claire looked up into her eyes. She was genuine, she always was. Claire trusted Jenny with her life; she had even before she quite literally saved her life. In her eyes was all the care, fret, and love in the world for her, her sister. But though Jenny cast a warm light on those she trusted, she cast a cold shadow over those she didn’t trust. Claire had seen how it could be when she herself had yet to land in Jenny’s good graces. Jenny was deeply religious, superstitious. If she even believed her, who was to say she wouldn’t cast her aside, brand her as a witch, be terrified of her, never trust her again?

“Do ye hear me, Claire?”

Claire sighed. If Jamie were here, he’d want to tell her. He’d think that she deserved to know. And he would be right. She did deserve to know.

“Can you…can you check on her, please?” Claire said, her voice raspy. She cleared her throat. “Just…make sure she’s breathing alright.”

Jenny nodded and walked over to the cot, peering inside. “Aye. She’s braw.” She reached in and gave her head a tender stroke before looking up at Claire.

“I want you to understand, Jenny,” Claire said, wringing her hands. “But in order to do that I…I have to tell you something. Something that I haven’t told a single soul except for Jamie. Then he told Murtagh, with my permission.”

Jenny gave her a puzzled look and made her way back to the bed, sitting down beside her.

“You…you have to promise me that you’ll listen and let me fully explain everything.”

Jenny’s face was growing more and more troubled by the second, but she nodded. “I promise.”

“And just…remember that Jamie trusted me, totally and completely. He believed me and accepted it. He trusted me.”

“Alright.”

Exhaling deeply, Claire sat down beside Jenny. “Do you remember when I told you to plant potatoes? And you said that…Jamie told you I would tell you things?”

“Aye.”

“I told you to plant potatoes because I knew there would be a famine in Scotland, and I knew there would be a great deal of suffering because of the Jacobite uprising. I…I knew that the Battle of Culloden would happen. I knew your tartans and your books would be taken away.” Jenny said nothing. “I…I knew all of it because…I’m not…from this time.” Jenny’s eyes narrowed in confusion. “I was born on October twentieth in the year 1918. Two hundred years from now.” Jenny looked away, bewildered, fixing her gaze on the floor. “I was on holiday in Inverness in the year 1945, and I came upon the standing stones at Craigh Na Dun. When I touched the stone…I fell through time.”

Claire paused to let her process, and Jenny kept her gaze on the ground. “Yer telling me yer…from the future.”

“Yes. Believe me, I know how it sounds. But it’s true. I swear it on the life of my child.” Jenny’s face whipped up at that, incredulous and horrified. “You know I wouldn't say that lightly.”

Jenny stood up and paced away from the bed. “At Cranesmuir…the trial…”

“I’m not a witch,” Claire interjected, desperate, pleading. “I swear that’s not what this is, Jenny. Jamie asked me the same thing right afterwards, and that’s the day I told him the truth. I have a scar on my arm that they thought to be the Devil’s mark. It’s called a vaccine. It’s for smallpox. In my time vaccines make it so that you can’t contract certain diseases. So when he asked about it I told him.”

Claire pulled down her shift from the collar, revealing the small scar on her shoulder. Jenny stared silently at the mark, her eyes widening with horror.

She doesn’t believe me. She’s going to start screaming “Witch” any second. She doesn’t believe me.

“I fell through the stones by accident,” Claire continued desperately. “I didn’t do anything to make it happen, I didn’t conjure anything, because I’m not a witch. I was just…in the wrong place at the wrong time. Or perhaps the right place at the right time.” Claire smiled in spite of her uneasiness, trying to use her and Jamie’s love to put Jenny’s mind at ease. “I’ve come to think of it as the latter. Jamie…that day…he took me back to the stones. He…was prepared to let me go. To send me back to my time. He loved me so much that he was prepared to let me go. But I…I couldn’t leave him.”

Jenny was unreadable.

“I…I gave up everything to be with him. I…I had a husband in 1945.” She held up her left hand, showing the gold band. “I spent so long trying to get back to him that I hadn’t even realized that I’d fallen in love with Jamie. Until he let me make the choice between the two of them and I…I had to choose Jamie. I gave up my entire life to stay here with him. And he…he accepted me for who I was, even if he couldn’t understand it.” Claire waited for her to say something, but she still wouldn’t.

“Jenny, please say something…I don’t know what else to say…I had to tell you. Jamie was the love of my life, but you are my sister. The closest friend I’ve ever had. I owe you my life and the life of my child. I trust you so deeply, and I love you so much.” Claire stood up and stepped toward her. “Please.”

Jenny put her hands on her hips. “Well…it does explain a lot.”

“Do…you believe me?”

Jenny sighed and finally looked up at her. “I don’t want to. My head is screaming at me not to.” Claire swallowed thickly. “But my heart is telling me I should.”

“I would never, ever lie to you Jenny.”

“Well apparently ye have been.”

“I’m sorry…truly…but it was so complicated, and I didn’t want to frighten you or make you think I was a witch…but you’ve become this enormous part of my life. I couldn’t hide it from you anymore.” Jenny swallowed, and Claire continued. “What reason would I have to make this up? And you know me Jenny. If I were a witch don’t you think you would have seen by now? Don’t you think I…I would never have let anything happen to Faith, or Jamie, or Brianna?”

“The fits she’s having…”

“Not the work of the Devil. Jenny please…” Claire was starting to panic. “They’re not…my fault.” Claire’s voice broke. Of course they were her fault; they were the result of a bad delivery. But it’s not like she wanted it to happen. “It’s common for people to think that, but in my time we know them to be called seizures, a symptom of a disease called epilepsy. It’s just a dysfunction of the brain, it has no supernatural cause.” Jenny looked away again. “Jenny, please! You know me! How could you possibly think I would inflict harm on my child? On Jamie’s child?”

“Ye’re standing there swearing on the life of yer child!” Jenny shouted. “What would ye like me to make of that?”

“That I’m telling the truth,” Claire pleaded, stepping closer to her. “You know me, Jenny. Jamie knew me. I’m not…evil. You have to believe at least that.”

Jenny looked up at her again, assessing her for a moment. “No…I ken that, at least.”

Claire sighed with relief. “Then you believe I’m not a witch in league with the Devil.”

Jenny’s jaw hardened, but she relented. “Yes, I believe ye. Against all better judgment I believe ye.”

“You once said to me that love forces a person to choose. That it makes you do things you never thought you could do before. You said that of the love we both bore your brother. Surely the same applies for the love you bear your sister?”

Jenny sighed, looking at the ceiling as she did so, and then returned her eyes to Claire. “Aye. It does.”

“Thank you, Jenny, thank you…”

She went to embrace her, but Jenny took a step back. “Not…just yet.”

Claire stiffened and straightened. “Yes…I…I’m sorry.”

“My brother loved ye more than I’ve ever seen a man love a woman,” Jenny began. “It’d be easy enough to say ye’d bewitched him. But I ken my brother. He was pig headed and stubborn…but he was a good man. Honorable. The love he bore you was the purest I’d ever seen.” Silent tears slipped out of Claire’s eyes. “He knew in his heart that ye were a good woman, even after ye told him all this madness. Now we didn’t always agree…but if Jamie trusted someone then they were pretty damned special. And I knew that. I tried my hardest not to like you when ye showed up that first time at Lallybroch. But I knew. It wasna long before I’d grown to trust ye fer myself and no’ fer my brother. I started to see fer myself how ye were special.” Jenny seemed to be blinking back tears. “Now, I love you, Claire. I do. And no’ because yer my brother’s wife. That’s part of it, o’ course, but I love you now separate from all that. I love you because ye’re my sister. And I believe ye. But I canna help but feel as if I’ve been betrayed.”

“Jenny, I’m so sorry…truly. I wanted to tell you sooner, but it just never seemed like the right time. I promise you, no more secrets.”

“Swear to me, Claire. Nothing but the truth between us ever again. From you as well as from me.”

“I swear, Jenny. On everything I hold dear, I swear. Nothing but the truth. No secrets.”

Jenny nodded curtly. “Good.”

Claire smiled weakly, then strengthened her resolve again. “There’s…one more thing.” Claire sat down on the bed again, knowing this would be too difficult to talk about standing. Jenny didn’t move. “The promise I made Jamie. Remember before Brianna was born, I told you that being pregnant was a…a caveat of that promise.”

“Aye, I remember.”

“That promise…Jamie made me promise that if the time ever came that I…that I would go back through the stones. To my own time. Back to…my first husband. He said he wanted me to be able to go back to a man that loved me. He wanted to know I’d be cared for. At Culloden, I was afraid he would ask that of me. But he didn’t. He said he wanted me to…to take care of Fergus, and you.” Her voice broke as she looked up at Jenny. “For us to find…peace in each other. He wanted me to watch his nieces and nephews grow, to watch his namesake grow into his role as Laird.” Jenny’s eyes were teary as well. “But I knew…he would change his mind if he knew I was with child. The way the last birth had been…pregnancy is incredibly dangerous for me now, but it’s a danger that could be nearly eliminated if I was in my own time, with modern medicine. But I…I didn’t want to go. If he’d survived the battle, and I’d gone back…I’d never see him again. And even if he…didn’t.” She took a shuddery breath. “Lallybroch was my home. I couldn’t leave Fergus, I couldn’t leave you, Jamie’s family. So I…didn’t tell him about the baby. 

“And maybe I should have. Perhaps I should have wanted to go back. Brianna’s birth would have been almost painless, we never would have come as close to death as we did. She likely wouldn't have seizures, and even if she did, there would be doctors to help her. When I was laying there giving birth to Brianna, feeling my life…slipping away from me, so certain that she was already dead…I regretted it, so terribly. I felt guilty when we spoke of it before she was born…but in that moment I felt like the most horrible, selfish, wicked woman.” She paused to wipe the tears off her face. “Every day I’m…haunted by the thought of him watching me suffer that birth, watching Brianna suffer as she is now…and knowing that it’s because I lied to him.”

Claire covered her face with her hands, resting her elbows on her knees. Jenny finally moved, crossing to the bed and sitting down beside her. “I canna say if ye would have been better off in yer own time. Though, if I’d have known back when ye were in labor and I was pulling the bairn out of ye myself, I think I’d have thought so. But Claire…” Jenny put a hand on her back. “Having ye here…having the bairn here…it’s like having my brother wi’ me still. And I ken what I said, I love you separate from being my brother’s wife. That’s still true. It’s just…I canna imagine losing ye both at once. You…you’d be lost to us forever if ye’d…gone back. Right?”

“Yes,” Claire said, moving her hands from her face to under her chin.

“Well then…consider me a horrible, selfish, wicked woman myself.” Claire turned her head to look at her. “If it were up to me I wouldnae let him send ye back. The birth could have killed ye both, I ken that well enough. But if there was even a chance that ye’d both survive, which clearly there was, I wouldnae let ye go back. Pig headed brother be damned.” Claire smiled tearily at this. “I’m…I’m glad ye didna tell him. Lallybroch needs you. Fergus needs you. And…as much as I didna ken it at the time, I needed a sister.”

Fresh tears sprang from Claire’s eyes. “Can I…hug you now?”

Jenny rolled her eyes. “Come here, ye great weepy fool.” Claire sat up straight and pulled Jenny into a tight embrace.

“Thank you,” Claire whispered. “Thank you, Jenny.”

Jenny sighed. “I always kent my brother would give me grey hairs early on,” she said. “But ye’ve certainly done a fine job taking his place in that task.” Claire chuckled, pulling away so she could look at her. “Are ye planning on telling Ian?” Jenny said, cocking an eyebrow.

“I was. I wanted to tell you first, but he should know, too.” Jenny nodded. “You can tell him, if you’d like.”

“I will, then.” Jenny glanced over at the cot. “Will ye ever tell Brianna?”

Claire followed her gaze, smiling at the sight of that bright red hair, the only thing clearly visible among the bundle of white blankets. “I will someday. When she’s old enough to understand.”

“Would ye…would ye consider taking her back wi’ ye, to see yer fancy healers?” Jenny said, keeping her gaze on Brianna.

Claire’s brows furrowed in thought. “I…I hadn’t thought about it. I’m not even sure if she could do it. I don’t…know how it works.”

“But if ye knew she could, and she needed to, fer her health. Would ye?”

Claire’s heart was being pulled in two directions, but she knew the answer. “If I knew her life was in danger, and that was the only solution, then yes.” They both kept staring at her. “But like I said…I don’t know if it’s possible.

“Right,” Jenny said, finally turning back to Claire. “I dinna ken why I asked. Maybe I…” Her voice trailed off.

“What?” Claire asked, looking at her.

“I don’t want ye to feel like yer trapped here. I ken what I said about needing ye here, and by God it is true. But if…Heaven forbid,” Jenny crossed herself. “The lass were dying, I’d want ye to take her away from here. Even if…even if it meant I’d never see either of you again.”

“Oh, Jenny.” Claire pulled her into another embrace. Claire was reminded of how Jamie had, too, been prepared to let her go, her and their child. She’d been carrying Faith when he’d made her promise. He’d have watched them both go through the stones, never to be seen again, if it would have saved their lives. And now Jenny pledged the same.

Frasers and their damnable honor.

Claire released Jenny and returned to Brianna’s side.

“Are ye goin’ tae sleep standing up, then?” Jenny said.

“I don’t think I’ll sleep at all,” Claire admitted. “I don’t think I should. After a seizure, breathing and pulse should be constantly monitored.”

“Then show me how to do it, and you can sleep.”

“Jenny, you have your own young children. You need your rest as much as I do.”

“Then we’ll take shifts. Same as we did when we were watching over you on yer deathbed. I’ll go first, then I’ll get Ian, then he’ll wake ye up and ye can watch her in the wee hours of the morning. And if anything happens before then, someone will wake ye.”

Claire smiled. “You’d do that? You and Ian?”

“Ye’re family. Both of you. I’ll go fetch Ian.” Without another word, Jenny was off.

Claire bent down and pressed her lips to Brianna’s soft, warm head.

“She’ll be alright, Jamie,” she whispered. “I swear to you. I will do anything to make sure that your daughter is alright.”

Then suddenly, as if in a dream, a little smile appeared on Brianna’s sleeping face. Claire’s heart nearly stopped. A single tear tear trickled down her cheek as she captured this moment in her memory and her heart forever. She knew full well that babies did not smile out of joy until after the first few months of their life, so there was only one other explanation.

“Hello, Jamie,” she whispered reverently, knowing in the very depth of her soul that he could hear her, because he was here with them, right now.

[hollowedrpg]

CONGRATULATIONS, CAISEY! — You’ve been accepted for the role of Lily Potter. I’m so glad you decided to rework your application. It’s clear you understand not only who Lily is, but how she fits into this verse. Lily is trying her best to appear as though she’s doing fine, as though she’s ready to take up arms and fight again, but in truth, she’s struggling more than she ever has. I also really liked your addition that she’s suffering from postpartum depression. I think that fits into how I envisioned her as a mother, and I can’t wait to see where you take her from here. 

Thank you so much for applying. Please create your account and send in the link, track the right tags, and follow everyone on the follow list. Welcome to Hollowed Souls!

ooc.

name: Caisey

age: 27 on the 25th

preferred pronouns: she/her

timezone: EST

activity: 7ish! I work weekday mornings/afternoons, but my weekends and evenings are free.

are you applying for more than one character?: just one!

how do you feel about your character dying?: Lily is living on borrowed time, honestly. She was never intended to live through this; she doesn’t know this, obviously, but it was her death that ensured Voldemort’s first defeat through protecting Harry from him. I would find it narratively justified for her to die protecting Harry.

anything else?: I wrote the app out of order (basically from the bottom up), so I feel like I should apologize if that messes with the coherency at all.

ic details.

full name: Lily June Potter, née Evans

Lily: from the flower. In the Victorian language of flowers, lilies are used to symbolize love and affection; in Christian religion, lilies are often used to represent purity and virtue.

June: from the Roman goddess Juno, associated with marriage, military, and the community.

date of birth: January 30th. Aquarius sun, Pisces moon, Taurus rising.

Sun in Aquarius: “You carry a lot on your shoulders and have need to fight for the underdog. It’s in your tenth house, meaning you feel the need to distinguish yourself from others through career, goals, success, and responsibility.”

Moon in Pisces: “You feel vulnerable much of the time, and desperately wish for a partner who deeply understands you. It’s in your tenth house, meaning you find security and safety through career success and responsibility.”

Taurus Rising: “You give people the impression that you are reliable, settled, sensible, and deliberate, though sometimes stubborn.”

former hogwarts house: Gryffindor. Severus told her that she would be perfect for Slytherin; since he was her sole fount of information about the magical world before her letter arrived, Lily believed him. When she made the suggestion, however, the Hat laughed in her face–so to speak–and Lily’s immediate anger caused it to place her in Gryffindor. Though the Hat could have made a case for Ravenclaw easily enough, Lily’s instincts lie in loyalty and daring. The pluck that led her to argue vehemently with a sentient hat within seconds of making its acquaintance has served her well throughout her life.

sexuality: pansexual panromantic

gender/pronouns: cis female, she/her

face claim change: none!

more.

how do you interpret this character’s personality? how will you play them? include two weaknesses & two strengths.

Strengths: Magnetic, kind, hardworking, selfless

Weaknesses: Selfish, obstinate, anxious, proud

Lily’s never been a failure at anything before. She has struggled, certainly; nothing has ever been easy, necessarily, or accomplished without effort. She has always been adept at identifying what was necessary to achieve her goals or tackle a problem. She’s the golden girl: compassionate, smart, hardworking. Even bigotry from being Muggleborn hardly phased her, except to strengthen her desire to fight back against the so-called “blood purists.” Lily is vivacious, empathetic, and convinced of her ideals–she married the love of her life, joined forces against the evil wizard trying to murder people like her, excitedly looked forward to her son’s birth.

There’s a reason she was given a place in Order recruitment: she’s gregarious and likeable, especially with the endearing pregnant belly and a baby ready to kick whenever a new palm pressed against her stomach. Being genuine and earnest has always come naturally to her, and it’s drawn people to her for her entire life, made some things easier than they might have been otherwise. It’s true that this has led her to take elements of her life for granted: finding a job post-graduation was easier due to Slughorn’s influence, and James’ family funds smoothed over her financial concerns when she discovered she was pregnant. She has experienced a considerable amount of bullying and bigotry, but because unconditional love and support has always existed in her life, Lily has developed a selfish streak. She expects the love to always exist–she expects to be able to find a solution to the problems she encounters–she expects to be capable of overcoming her struggles–and when these things fail to be true, she stumbles and grows resentful. Lily strives to better herself through acknowledging these tendencies whenever she finds them in herself and surrounding herself with people who aren’t afraid to call her out, people who challenge her and make her better (James and Marlene chief amongst them–without them, she indulges the introspection, finding herself unable to break the cycle of seeing the world through a specific filter designed by her life experiences).

She needs a project to focus on to keep her anxieties at bay; inactivity makes her fret over things she can’t control, and she’s never enjoyed an aimless lifestyle. Typically, these projects are exercises in discovering purpose, usually with a humanitarian angle or some sort of personal growth intention. When Lily finds something to focus on, she truly can make an impact; she is idealistic almost to a fault, having come from a Muggle world and introduced to a world of magic possibilities at an impressionable age. She believes strongly in making the world a better place and in her own ability to do so.

The way she is now is more accurately reflected below; the war has changed everything for Lily and she is, at present, a combination of the optimistic, driven woman who happens to be a wife and mother described here and the grieving, guilt-ridden widow and struggling mother described below.

how has the war affected this character, emotionally and otherwise?

The Lily described above exists primarily in the shadows now. She’s not gone, not entirely, but she’s treading water in the shallows, while in the depths lurks a haunted woman with a sad smile and perpetually red-rimmed eyes. Every day, she wakes up in her worst nightmare and must push through the hours as if she isn’t rotting slowly from the inside.

She sees her life in flashes, like scenes of a book she’s read countless times. Moments blurred between chapters–how did she get from the tent to the house? Where did Harry get that toy? Is that voice she hears calling her name a faint memory of Marlene or is it actually Pandora trying to get her attention? Her grief casts a pall on everything, dampening any other emotions in her life.

Without James or Marlene, she has nothing and nobody left to rely on, her only living friends sunken in their own despair. Lily knows everyone is sensitive and this makes her wary of reaching out and burdening anyone else with her problems. They all praise her for “holding up so well” and pat her gently on the arm, like she might fly into pieces if they touch her too hard; it feels like everyone is holding her at arm’s length. Nobody wants to take responsibility for handling her emotional state, and she can’t be responsible for handling anyone else’s. She worries constantly, her emotional state strained without anything to focus her energies on: are they only allowing her to stay with them out of guilt? Do they care more about Harry, the prophesied one, than her? She was only part of the Order because of James–maybe that’s all she is to them. James’ widow.

She wonders if she has outlived her usefulness. She wants to help, but everything has changed in her life. Is she expected to just be the widow and single mother now? How much agency can she still have, now that everyone sees her differently? Will they listen to her opinions or give her a choice if she wants to leave? Will they take Harry from her if they feel she can’t protect him better than they can?

She feels she must keep up appearances of being the resilient, unflappable Lily Evans Potter she has always been, even without any of the supports that made that Lily possible. She wants the Order to be proud of her–she wants to keep being their golden girl–and she’s clinging desperately to all she has left. Her pride won’t let her ask anyone for help as long as she can see how much they are struggling, and her fear that she might lose what little she has left won’t let her admit that she is falling apart.

where does this character currently stand? with those who wish to hide in godric’s hollow until the war ends, with those who wish to rebuild the order and continue fighting the war, or on neither side? Why?

Lily wants to fight. She always imagined herself going down swinging, James at her back, taking down their killers with them. They were young and the war seemed more like a game back then.

If she didn’t have Harry, it would be an easy answer: get back in the fray, find the rest of the Order, track down any survivors who might join their cause now that the Death Eaters have made their stance on murder clear. Lily has never been one to sit and wait. Even while heavily pregnant she insisted on being involved, even if it was just in recruitment. She’s of the opinion that now is the best time to band together, recruit in a frenzy, and strike back while Voldemort is least expecting it–they might be weak now but so is he, and the Death Eaters might be cowed by a show of force from the organization they thought was beaten. To stop now would be to admit defeat.

That said, she’s also scared. Staying in the Hollow isn’t a long-term option, obviously, but going back into the fight means risking the little they have left. A second blow to their ranks could be the last; if they can’t find more survivors, if their forces don’t grow, then that’s the end of the war. The Death Eaters rule through fear and if they’re not stopped, they could continue their massacre in another town, maybe a Muggle one this time.

And now she has Harry to think of, and this godforsaken prophecy that cost James his life, nearly took Harry the way they got the Longbottom boy. Recruitment, at least, seems like the safest option to move them in the right direction: toward rebuilding and fighting anew.

How is Lily coping with being a new mother in the midst of a war?

She never really planned to be a mother. It seemed inevitable, of course, once she committed to marrying James; a natural trajectory of being in that kind of a relationship. But she didn’t really plan for it–she didn’t want kids the same way James did. Oh, of course she wanted children with him, but when she pictured it, it was always in peacetime–and she was always much older. And then she was pregnant, suddenly, and James was transported with happiness, so she had to keep it, and then she and the baby became a unit: a source of hope and new life amidst the threat of war. Her pregnant belly was a buoy keeping their heads above water, and everyone wanted to touch her, like she was some witch Madonna bringing a messiah into their world. If she thought too hard about it, it was disconcerting, but she didn’t think too much about it–she had enough to think about just preparing for the baby to arrive.

James was a better parent than her, or at least a more natural one. Lily admired how easy fatherhood was for him; while she struggled with postpartum depression and the necessary change in her priorities, he willingly shouldered as much parental responsibility as he physically could. She loved Harry, loved being his mother, but she had to struggle to find that love. James, Marlene, and eventually Molly Weasley worked to convince her that she was not a failure as a mother, and eventually she believed them.

And then they were all gone, and all the things she learned about parenting seemed to disappear from her mind the moment James left her side. She had no idea how to be a mother–especially not a single one. Muscle memory seems to take over much of the time, and maternal instinct fills in the gaps, but Lily struggles most with keeping her emotions in check enough to prioritize Harry. Sometimes he reminds her so much of James that she can hardly stand to look at him, and sometimes she is so overwhelmed by the grief that permeates Godric’s Hollow now that she can’t bring herself to let him go when he squirms. The routine that she relied on is gone, and she struggles to establish a new one, to deal with Harry’s distress every time he asks for James and she can’t explain to him that Dada is gone forever. When she desperately needs a break, she can arrange for someone to babysit, but the moment he is out of her sight a panic grips her chest–her nightmares are of Voldemort reappearing in the Hollow with James’ dead body at his feet, Harry dangling, lifeless, in his grip.

The worst part is that she still can’t shake the desire to maintain appearances. Everyone thinks she is so brave, so resilient: she can’t let them know she’s a terrible mother and falling apart at the seams. As long as Harry is happy and healthy, they’ll never notice the weight she’s losing, the hesitation when she talks, the red rims around her eyes that never fade. By sheer force of will, Lily will prove to everyone and herself that she is strong enough to get through this.

extra.

Pinboard: https://pin.it/tvyj7td56b5ave

Relationships with others:

Marlene: The love of her life, James notwithstanding. The one woman Lily thought she would always be able to rely on. Even now, she struggles to speak of her best friend in the past tense, catching herself mid-sentence in the mistake; sometimes she still thinks she can see Marlene entering or exiting a room, only to realize it was actually Charity or Pandora with the light catching their hair just right. Marlene kept her bright and optimistic–lifted her head up even when she was in the depths of postpartum depression. James was her counterpart, but Marlene was her North Star.

Remus: With James and Marlene gone, Remus is the closest friend Lily has left. He has always been one of her closest confidants–the first person she trusted at Hogwarts after watching Severus join the table of green and silver. True, he became more James’ friend than hers over the years, but she appreciates how steadfast a friend he has been more than she can say. When she tried to push him away, he refused in a patient sort of way. She knows he is struggling, and she hates herself for not doing a better job of supporting him.

Sirius: Lily is afraid of him. She’s always loved him like her brother–or, rather, she’s loved him like James’ brother, because she has always relied on James to bridge the gap in her relationship with Sirius. They agreed, together, to make Sirius godfather, but right now, she doesn’t feel comfortable leaving Harry alone with him. This Sirius isn’t the same one she used to trust with her son’s life.

Alice: Oh, the guilt–it’s strongest when she looks at Alice. They were never really friends to begin with, and now Lily feels responsible for Alice’s grief. She can’t bring herself to make eye contact with the other woman, and she always self-consciously grabs up Harry if they are ever in the same room as her, stops him from getting too close. Seeing Alice’s steep decline into grief and the ensuing marital problems makes Lily feel lucky for still having her son–but then miserable for not being a better mother to him. Perhaps, she finds herself wondering, things would have been better if they’d gotten to Harry instead of Neville; at least Alice and Frank planned to have their son. Maybe they deserved to keep him more than she deserved to keep Harry.

Frank: She avoids him, as she does Alice, but for different reasons. Frank is fueled by vengeance, same as Sirius, and that scares her. But he doesn’t have the same emptiness that Alice seems to; his search for answers seems at least vaguely productive, and she wonders if maybe she could lend her efforts to helping him. If she could ever overcome her guilt about Harry’s survival, she might even offer someday.

Arthur: She wants to get closer to him, and she certainly has the opportunity, since Harry often plays with his sons, but Lily was more in contact with Molly than him and doesn’t even recall a single time she was left alone in a room with him before James’ death. She’s intimidated by someone who handles all those children so deftly, without complaint, and she’s afraid that he’s going to judge her for her inadequacies as a parent.

if I were…

if i were a season, i’d be fall.

if i were a time of day, i’d be midday–a few minutes past noon, when the sun is at its hottest and the world is at its brightest.

if i were a type of weather, i’d be a brisk wind.

if i were a scent, i’d be a garden in full bloom, blossoms open and full, the mixture of scents of the various flowers almost overwhelming.

if i were a plant, i’d be an orange lily.

if i were an element, i’d be fire, dependent on a counterpart to stay alive.

if i were a color, i’d be blood orange.

if i were a song, i’d be “Wish that You Were Here” by Florence + the Machine.

if i were an item of clothing, i’d be a headband.

if i were an object, i’d be a quill.

if i were one of the seven deadly sins, i’d be pride.

if i were one of the seven heavenly virtues, i’d be kindness.

if i were a god/goddess, i’d be Nike/Victoria.

The Candlelight Vigil

She could have used Harry as an excuse not to attend. Past his bedtime–really much easier if we keep him on a schedule—he’s too young to understand and might ruin it—Lily rehearsed several versions of the conversation she planned to open with Charity. When it came down to it, though, she couldn’t bring herself to do it. Not attending would probably bring more attention to her grief than she liked; suffering in private seemed so self-indulgent amidst the public signs of mourning that existed everywhere in the Hollow. At least at the vigil she would be expected to grieve. If it was more than she could endure, she could always leave early and it would be dark enough that nobody would demand an explanation. She should at least try.

It was late for Harry, of course, but he was delighted by the nighttime activity and the flickering lights and if she couldn’t keep him from talking he at least acquiesced to her request he keep his voice to a stage whisper. Lily didn’t expect to feel closure tonight, but the sense of community that the vigil sparked was enough. They might be all that was left of the Order, but they were enough to keep it going. To honor James’ and Marlene’s sacrifice.

Harry fell asleep on her shoulder before too long so she left early, quietly thanking Charity on her way out, walking slowly lest she jostle him too much. Glenda’s voice cut through the blanketed sobriety of the nighttime air and Harry awoke with a cry. She was too far away to hear everything clearly but Lily hurried back to the cemetery the instant the broadcast ended. Another headquarters? Did that mean Glenda knew about this one and would send people to them, like she (inadvertently) had sent Greta? Good news? Could some of the presumed dead still be alive?

The chatter and speculation was unbearable, especially when Harry began to cry, a toddler roused far past his bedtime too upset to be soothed back to sleep anywhere other than a bed. Tearing herself away from the feverish conversation should have been easy—but even as her head spun and ached Lily felt the adrenaline pumping through the night. Who had Glenda found?

[white-queen-lacus]

Crimson Peak ff - Butterflies in the snow

Note: I don’t know why but I was sure I had already posted the English version of this ff but I didn’t. Sorry for eventual *recurring* mistakes but I am not English native speaker... ç_ç I put it under keep under spoilers only because it was so long that it could take the whole page! :D Enjoy it! :) ~ ~ ~Butterflies in the snow ~ ~ ~

The first time she had seen that ghost, she was only twelve years old. They noticed it by chance, Edith and Alan, when after giving her a good night, they heard her talking softly about how she absolutely had to read the book that her mother had written.And if on the beautiful face of Alan there was a frown of concern, Edith - on whose cheekbone it had been a scar (barely visible when it backlit) that took her back to that terrible past during her darkest days -  felt herself fear, pain and at the same time, hope. She had not been seeing ghosts since she fled from Crimson Peak, many years ago. It had not been easy in the beginning. She craved the light of day, because shadows could not reach her. But at night, they were no longer the ghosts to visit her. Often, memories were far more menacing and painful than they were those dormant souls who tried to warn her from the madness of that place … from Allerdale Hall. From Thomas. From Lucille. She had managed to escape from death, thanks to the spectra of the women killed by Lady Sharpe. Thanks to Alan, who had never given up on her. His gentle childhood friend. He loved her more than she had ever loved him. Because in her life, Edith had known only ghosts and a love that she never would have believed it possible to experience. Thomas Sharpe had changed her life forever. … for worse… and for better. During the little time they spent together, Edith Cushing had lived that love which she did not know. That often, during her youth, she had considered absolutely useless. She had been a wife, far away from her homeland, far away from the comforts of a respectable young lady, far from the world in which she grew up and from the lost affections. She was almost killed by the madness of a dark, cursed soul, and then she was rescued by another lost soul who reciprocated her pure and unconditional love, but which had been chained, until death freed it. Whilst Alan had tried to help her heal from the pain, it did not work. In time, by writing, Edith was able to lock it in a box, as well as the wax rolls Pamela Upton had hidden, waiting for someone who was not the Sharpes find there. Someone who might know the truth. Then Cathy arrived and for the first time in a long time, Alan had seen her smiling again. He understood. He never asked for anything. Not to reopen old wounds. Those of Edith. His. She was beautiful, with the same long, blonde waves of her mother. Ivory skin, thin lips. But her eyes had nothing to Edith. Nor to Alan. He understood it at the very moment in which a tear had rifled his wife’s hurt cheekbone, as she had held the newborn Cathy. Edith too had not ever realized. Too absorbed in her pain, to understand that during that only night of love between her and Thomas, away from the crimson snow, away from the obsession of Lucille, an unbreakable bond between them had been created.She clearly remembered his green eyes, for once not closed on something that made him uneasy. Not as with Lucille. And Cathy’s eyes were the exact mirror of his. Alan and Edith decided not to tell her the truth. Selfishly, to protect her from that story that was believed to have been created solely by the fertile imagination of her mother. Cathy had always been a bit “in love” with Cavendish, the hero who at some point decides to take over the reins of his life and reacts to the tyrannical, unhealthy obsession of his older sister. She said he was a bit unfortunate, but at the same time, he was “good and brave”. And Edith noodled, secretly crying, when her heart kept shouting that she should have been proud of that father she who would never have known. Because her dad was Alan McMichael and every time he returned home, after a day spent helping people look better at the world, Cathy ran into his arms, hugging him.

           ***

Then, Edith asked Cathy to tell something about the interlocutor to which she should have read “Crimson Peak”. She was vague at first. She told her parents that she could not see it clearly. Alan had suggested that it probably was one of those imaginary friends that children claimed to see at times, but Edith had countered, arguing that she was even smaller at the time of her mother’s death, and yet she had seen her and heard her voice. The voice that Cathy heard was not as well defined. Sometimes, though, she had the feeling to hear notes and to see flashes of smoke circling around her. When it happened, she took refuge under the blankets, until she felt safe. So, she reappeared and felt the same safety when dad hugged her. Edith was shocked and she had strongly cuddled her child, suffocating sobbings in her little. thick blond head. A little later, when Cathy finally fell asleep, for the first time in their married life, she and Alan had had a real discussion. They had always been of the support for each other. Alan had always believed that Edith was right about the existence of ghosts. And Edith had always been a bit attracted by the common passion for novels somewhere between mystery and logic. But suddenly, Edith’s fears were back. If the restless spirit of Lucille had wished to destroy their happiness? If she were disconnected from Crimson Peak and she had reached them, to reclaim the living legacy of Thomas? What if … what if Thomas had wanted to protect her child? There were so many “if’s” and Alan, after twelve years, had felt excluded once again from Edith’s heart. He had accepted everything, for her, for Cathy. He had forgiven Thomas for what he had done and for having saved the life of Edith and his. The time he had entrusted Edith to him, after the death of Mr. Cushing, Alan had had the feeling that that mysterious old-fashioned Englishman was sincerely determined to protect her. It had been confirmed when Thomas gave his life to protect both from the folly of his sister and shortly before, when he had entrusted Edith to him. Edith, the butterfly that had brought light into his life, she had to continue to live and she had to fly again. Thomas knew that there was no way out for him. He and Lucille had to end their insane and hellish story. He could not let Edith, different from any other, falling into the abyss with him. And then he had her entrusted to Alan, because he knew he would have helped her to fly again.That thought, so many years later, it had made him reconsider his role of father for Cathy. He had come to beg him not to take them away from him. To remind him that  he would have kept his word forever. He would have protected Edith and Cathy in his place. But in front of the obstinacy of Edith, who spent nights crying and pining, again, in front of that love which transcended death and that he felt, all too well, that Edith would have never felt for him, he had finally agreed.  *** The day they returned to Crimson Peak, the crimson snow had covered everything. Frozen in time. Frozen were  the machines that Thomas had invented. Frozen were the souls inside the manor in perpetual ruin. One part, the wing where Lucille used to play the piano, had sunk in the abyss. Edith watched unperturbed that spectacle worthy of the picture of Dorian Gray. Yet, Alan had seen in them a vein of anxiety. Cathy instead watched everything with amazement. In her eyes, it must had seemed a worthy representation of the castle of Cavendish that her mother described with such great detail. Suddenly, her green eyes were captured by one of Thomas’ machines. Alan looked up, unable to see.“It’s Cavendish!”, she screamed in a shrill voice. The first living words heard to Allerdale Hall in years. Edith hurried trying to follow the direction her daughter indicated. She tried to see within the snow that had begun to fall. White everywhere. Red all around.… Thomas… had she lost the ability to see him? The pain in her heart exploded suddenly, when she shouted the name of the man who had been her husband, her voice broken with tears.Alan let go of her hand. Edith looked at him for a moment and then she smiled slightly. They had understood. She took Cathy’s hand, asking to take her to Cavendish. The little girl sought the approval of her father, who nodded his head, then she went into the snow, along with Edith. One step after another, a footprint after another, carved in a sea of ​​blood-red liquid.Everywhere, except around the first working machine that Thomas built. The one next to where his ghost helped Edith to defeat Lucille, once and for all. There was no red around it. Only pure white snow. Pure as the love between Edith and Thomas had been. White as the spirit that awaited them. Wonderful, without any sign of death on him. Edith wept when she saw him.  Thomas smiled in response, as only he could do. Cathy looked at him curiously. “Cavendish is … just as you described him, Mom …” Thomas raised his hand, placing it on the blond head of Cathy, who attempted an impossible contact. His spirit was purified. He no longer had anything physical. Nevertheless, the feeling of peace was tangible. Cathy squeezed the hand of her mom, who could not appease her crying. Thomas seemed troubled and his untouchable hand laid on the cheek of his beloved wife. She must not cry. She had no longer to cry for him. Edith looked at his evanescent face and their eyes finally met.  Do not close your eyes to life… I do not anymore … I will continue to watch you both forever … His voice. As she remembered. Edith tried to impress those words into her heart. Thomas wanted her to move on, once and for all. He would have always been with them, until the moment in which they would have met again. He would have protected her and their daughter. He smiled at the same instant she did, too. Then she approached Cathy, holding her closely. The living symbol of their brief, eternal love.“Thank you, Thomas ...” She just muttered, searching for warmth that he could no longer give her, by hugging Cathy.“Thomas?” Cathy asked, puzzled. Thomas greeted them with a small, elegant bow, before letting the wind blowing away his reflection.Cathy did not hear the words of her mother, too worried by the sudden disappearance of her Cavendish, but on the almost disappeared face of Thomas, his kind smile was proud when Edith said: “Thomas Sharpe … my beloved, your unlucky, good and brave father”. 

[birthdaystranger]

BIRTHDAY STRANGER #6 (2017)

I want to begin by expressing my gratitude to D for meeting with me for my birthday. His interest in my project, which he sees as an artistic expression, benefited me greatly. D is an interesting & friendly person with whom, like all my Birthday Strangers, I found common ground.

The challenges we face every day vary greatly. There is a tendency to attribute some everyday events to the unseen. Strong-willed deities, meddlesome spirits, superstitions, & startling coincidences all appear suspect. Simple wives' tales such as going out in the cold, causing one to catch a cold, is completely unsupported. I still, though, find myself occasionally concerned if I am in the winter air for too long.

These beliefs emerge from our cultures & manifest themselves in our decisions & actions. Said forces lead us to act in inexplicable ways & often completely against common sense. It is a struggle to keep from being swept away by these notions. This fascinating place where health & culture overlap is one of many challenging areas in which this year's birthday stranger, D, likes to work.

D is in his last semester of a Public Health program. Currently he is working on two projects in St. Louis County.

The first is a "geospatial analysis study...looking at elevated blood lead levels the past five years in children." The second is a "needle exchange program to combat the rising abuse of injection drug use." He plans on staying in the metropolitan area after he graduates to work in the public health field. He focuses not only on the health of others, however, because his own health is something about which he is attentive.

The dedication D shows to personal health is a sign of great dedication. He works out several times a week. He detailed the motivation behind his strong routine that has led to a well-sculpted build. D’s reason for a consistent regimen are multifaceted. He works out to improve his self-esteem: D said he sometimes feels unaccomplished or " beat[s] [him]self up about some things."

He values fitness because it relates to his professional interests: he has seen people he loves affected by disease and illness that would have been easily preventable through exercise and diet changes. It’s also a great way to let off steam from school.

As a child he was occasionally bullied for "not looking or acting overly masculine." His brother ultimately stepped in and fought the bully. While acknowledging that violence is not the answer, he was inspired by his brother’s bravery, and seeks the "power to defend the people he cares about" who may be powerless to act.

He mentioned his adoration of good food in conversation in a way that implied a tendency to eat a bit too much now & again. D also looks at the completion of a task such as working out as an unconditional positive. He says it best: "...even when I thought I couldn't, even when I was [not feeling up to it], I still persisted. I still accomplished something. I was able to do something I didn't think I could do that day."

The final reason he gave for his regimen is something no one would have guessed as a motivation to exercise: video games.

"One of my favorite games was Assassin's Creed," he began, "...I thought it was SO COOL how the character could scale buildings so deftly." Referencing another game, Mirror's Edge, he continued, "there's a certain something about acrobatics that's inherently interesting...it's super awesome & I love watching people climb things."

It’s almost like a dance that requires full synchronization between mind and body. As D continued speaking of video games he revealed a passion for the puzzle/strategy aspect of some action games. I brought up a game which is the epitome of the action/puzzle genre, the Portal series, which is one of the most innovative & interesting games I've ever encountered. He agreed & cited some specifics from that game to which I completely related.

He mentioned a trilogy of games from one game team, Team Ico. (After having researched these games for this writeup I have a great desire to play them.) The namesake game, "Ico", is a platform game in which Ico & a passively controlled secondary character, Yorda work together. The goal is to escape a castle by solving puzzles in an action setting.

"Shadow of the Colossus" is the second of the games. The description of the game is fascinating: it's "unusual within the action-adventure genre in that there are no towns or dungeons to explore, no characters with which to interact, & no enemies to defeat other than the (giant adversaries called) colossi. 'Shadow of the Colossus' has been described as a puzzle game, as each colossus' weakness must be identified & exploited before it can be defeated" in a "minimalist landscape design (using) immersive gameplay & [a strong] emotional journey." [ibid]

The third game, "The Last Guardian", is the story of an "unnamed young boy (who) befriends a giant half-bird/half-mammal creature named Trico." Their long adventure unfolds after they form a Lion & the Mouse relationship. The ethereal tapestry running through these games is due partly in fact to their roots in Japanese culture, another realm of D's life.

D is literate in & speaks conversational Japanese. This has allowed him to visit Japan twice for extended periods with friends he has made there. He describes Japan as not only beautiful but hypnotic at times. He credits his attraction to Japanese culture to a childhood love of animation - a Japanese style of animation rich with mysticism & demonstrative of non-romantic love.

As a child D made a weekly trip to the video department of his local grocer to rent "My Neighbor Totoro." (If you haven't seen it, make a point to. Its recommendation by my second birthday stranger has lead it to be one of my favorites.) Through his immersion in these animations he grew to explore Japanese culture.

Japanese folklore swells with imagination. Shinto, Japan's indigenous religion, states that the islands of Japan were created by the play of two gods: Izanagi (male) & Izanami (female).

There are myriad curious creatures related to Shinto called Yōkai. They "range diversely from the malevolent to the mischievous (but) occasionally bring good fortune." [ibid]

D & I talked a bit about these as I am somewhat familiar with them. We talked about the invisible Betobetosan who follows people audibly by foot at night causing the anxiety of being followed. The only way to rid oneself of it is to step aside & give it permission to pass. This creature is an example of the differences in cultures. Western folklore tends to dichotomize the supernatural into good & evil whereas beings like Betobetosan exist somewhere between.

These creatures are prominent in "My Neighbor Totoro" as well as other animations by Hiyao Miyazaki. A belief in yōkai can be a reason one raised in Japanese culture may act in a way confusing to people in our culture. This reflects the point made in the opening: the overlap of superstition & health. This junction is best understood through another aspect in which D has challenged himself.

D's study of anthropology in Japanese at Washington University led him to a focus in medical anthropology. He gave a captivating example of how beliefs can spread disease: some Haitians, for example, believed Voodoo spells caused HIV/AIDS. He stressed this kind of understanding is important to crafting intervention strategies. I had never thought about this relationship before he pointed it out.

After some study in medical anthropology, D realized the medical aspect is what sparked his interests. He said it's a "practical application & a way of giving back." Working to find ways to apply raw data to help mankind is a huge challenge. These two points hint at something greater.

Challenge is the cohesion in D's life. Each of the topics he mentioned in our meeting reveals that rising to meet adversity brings him joy. He challenges the body & mind in every way he can. In the end, it is both for himself & others. This is an honorable way to live.

D met & conversed with me for nearly three hours - that's a record. We found wonderful common ground - that's a challenge to us all sometimes. When it seems there is no commonality you can be certain there's a belief in the truth behind a judgment we make about that person. Judgments are not the problem though - they are natural. It's the brain's job to compare & judge - it's how these bodies of ours get through the day. It is the belief in the judgment that interferes with our getting along with another person.

I urge my readers to rise to this challenge. Talk with someone with whom you feel you've got nothing in common. The Venn diagram always overlaps.