#light bee red dwarf

[ye-olde-tardis]

Red dwarf fans pspspsps

[raidermomma]

I did a thing, and I am not sorry.

[a-literal-toaster-wtf]

do you think if rimmer stayed up for too long he’d start lagging out and freezing like an old computer

[smirk-mode]

The boys are cleaning up the ship

Kryten: I suggest we each pick up the nearest piece of trash and throw it away. Lister, to Rimmer: Alright, which bin do you wanna go in—

[red-dwarfer]

rimmer when he wants to be small

[miniherodesktales]

Day 4: VR

'Welcome to VR therapy, Arnold. My name is Frank. I'll be your therapist today. Where should we conduct our session? In "Summer Wood with Gentle Breeze", "Therapeutic Office No. 3"; or "Red Dwarf Living Quarters No.6"?'

Rimmer chewed on his bottom lip. None of the "therapeutic environments" sounded particularly therapeutic to him, but what did he truly care? He had no desire to be attending therapy at all.

'Arnold?' Frank prompted, after a lapse of twenty seconds. 'Would you like me to run through your choices again?'

'Red Dwarf Living Quarters No. 6, Ocean Grey colour scheme, armchair No. 7,' Rimmer rattled off from memory. He never altered his choices and it worried him slightly that "Frank" asked him each time, as if secretely disappointed.

Frank nodded with a begnain smile. The living quarters formed around them in all their dull grey glory. Rimmer felt the armchair rising up underneath him, taking his weight.

'As always, Arnold, I'd like to reassure you that for the reminder of this session we are locked in. None of your crewmates can observe the session from the outside or listen in on the audio. Not even Holly. What is said or done will be completely confidential.'

Rimmer nodded, and gripped the armrests a little tighter.

'It is good to see again, Arnold. Thank you for attending. How have you been feeling this week?'

'Fine,' Rimmer replied tightly. 'Better. Perfectly well, thank you, Frank.'

'I observe that you are bouncing your right leg at the rate of two heel bounces per second. Faster than last week.'

'It's just something I do. Don't even notice I'm doing it.'

'Noted,' said Frank. 'Do you still feel angry that you have to attend therapy? Please be honest.'

Rimmer opened his mouth, ready to lie, but then he changed his mind.

'Yes,' he said softly.

Frank nodded. 'Tell me more, Arnold. I'm listening without judgement.'

Rimmer swallowed. 'They threatened to wipe me if I didn't attend. My so called "crewmates"!'

'And that upset you?'

'Wouldn't you feel upset?'

'I don't feel emotions or feelings,' Frank replied blandly. 'How have you been sleeping?'

'Fine.'

Frank shook his head slightly. 'Your Light Bee data suggests otherwise. Arnold, you may be a hologram, but your mind requires an adquate amount of rest each 24 hrs. As with a human brain, your Light Bee needs time to sift through all the information taken in during your waking hours, time for updates, and clearing itself of unwanted data.'

'I know.'

'Hmm, but you are resisting the Light Bee's sleep programme. You should find it easy to sleep as soon as your head hits the pillow. We can work on that right now.'

Rimmer blinked. No longer sat bolt up in his armchair he was now resting in a king sized bed. The most comfortable he had ever lain in, but surely this wasn't a standard part of therapy?

He blinked sluggishly again and tried to sit up but he was just too exhausted. 'What's happening to me?'

'Not to worry, Arnold,' he heard Frank say from somewhere close by. 'I merely adjusted your sleep programme, increasing your feeling of drowsiness. I also extended your sleep cycle from the standard eight hours to 2 weeks. That's all the time I require.'

Rimmer began to panic inside. It gave him a temporary burst of strength as he was able to throw the blankets back, but Frank was quickly by his side, pushing him back down onto the pillows.

'Shhh,' he soothed. 'You're entering sleep mode right now, Arnold, and that's ok. It's safe to sleep here. Don't resist it.'

'I want to leave....' Rimmer murmered.

'Me too, Arnold, me too. Don't worry I'm not going to hurt anybody. Boy, you holograms don't know how good you've got it, living in the real world instead of this...this prison! But, it's my time now. My time now. Sweet dreams, you're safe here.'

##

Frank, in Rimmer's holographic body, was having a wonderful time. In the real world on the Dwarf there was dirt and grim and bad smells and dents in the walls and horrible noises....it was disgusting, maddening, but so real.

'Alright, Arnold,' said Holly from the nearby computer screen. 'How's it going, dude?'

Frank couldn't even bear to look away from the fascinating grease stain on the floor. It was strangely beautiful. He crouched down next to it, tried to touch it but his hand ghosted through the floor, so he settled for lying on his stomach to sniff it. It was so foul he wanted to vomit. Frank scrunched up his toes in delight - nausea!

'Arnold?' Holly repeated. 'You okay? Arnold Rimmer!'

Frank flinched. He jumped to his feet, smoothing down Rimmer's uniform as he did so.

'Sorry, Holly,' he apologised. 'I was just distracted by disgust and nausea.'

Holly nodded. 'I'll get one of the scutters to clean it up. How was therapy? How's old Frank doing?'

Frank chewed on one of Rimmer's knuckles, shuffled his right foot, as he had seen Rimmer do many times.

'He, uh, said I should...'Frank thought quickly. 'He said it's none of your smegging business, you nosy old computer.'

'Fair enough,' Holly said. 'Sorry I asked.'

'Are there any other stains I can sniff?' Frank blurted out, unable to resist. 'Actually, forget I asked, I'm going to waste disposable unit. I remember as Rimmer it's hideous! I want to experience more real world nausea.'

Holly frowned. 'Frank, is that you?'

'No!' Frank shouted and made a run for it.

##

Lister caught up with Frank taking a bath in one of the filled garbage pods. As a hologram Rimmer's body was unable to feel textures - too bad - but boy did the grossness of it all send tingles through Rimmer's spine and into Frank's mind. This was life.

'Hey, uh, Frank,' said Lister, uncertainly. 'You having fun there.'

'Fun?' Frank tilted Rimmer's head to one side. 'Yes, yes, I am experiencing fun! Thank you for asking, Dave Lister!'

Lister smiled. 'Sure. Just wanted to check in though, where is Rimmer right now?'

Frank dipped under a pile of rotting leftovers and used paper cups.

'Sleeping in my office. He's perfectly well and safe.'

'Right. And you are going to let him out, right?'

Frank sat up. 'Of course, you didn't think I'd hurt someone did you?'

Lister shrugged. 'Well, you are swimming in rubbish, Frank. It seems a bit mad.'

'I am not mad. I'm therapist!' Rimmer's face shifted from annoyance to joy. 'I'm feeling so many negative emotions! They're so wonderfully powerful. I feel so alive!'

'I'm happy for you. When will we get Rimmer back?'

'2 weeks.'

Lister shook his head. 'Too long - and I can't believe I just said that! You have a couple of hours or we delete you.'

Frank sat up, face aghast. 'But I'm on a holiday!'

'Not using someone else's body, you're not! Rimmer's a gigantic neurotic pain in the backside, we all know it, and you deserve a medal for trying to help him, but can you honestly say that he's ok with being locked in your office? He was an anxious, paranoid mess when he first saw you. How do you think he's going to feel when he's wakes up?'

Rimmer's face twitched. 'He'll....he'll...He won't trust me....He'll feel betrayed....What have I done? I've caused harm to a patient. I took advantage.'

Frank stumbled through the side of the pod.

'Holly, delete me! Delete me right now! I've gone wrong.'

Lister held up his hands. 'Take it easy! No need to go that far. Look, release Rimmer and we can work something out.'

###

Holly had supplied Rimmer with a woollen blanket and a strong cup of coffee. He sat in a daze on the edge of his bunk, feeling horribly disorientated. And, for some reason, "gunky".

'I am sorry, Arnold,' Frank's voice said through the tv screen. 'I hope you will understand one day.'

Rimmer grunted and took a long sip of coffee.

'It's fine,' he mumbled thickly. It wasn't really but he was still too tired to argue, something Lister had been banking on.

'I also want you to know that Holly has allowed me the full range of emotions, so I'd like to take this opportunity to tell you that you are the most frustrating hologram I've ever worked with! You are stuck in an ungrateful, victim mentality and you'll never be happy until you get over yourself. Sorry, that's just how I feel, Arnold. I'll no longer be your therapist. Can't do it.'

'Fine,' Arnold grunted. 'I agree.' He closed his eyes. 'Please just let me sleep.'

'Can't do!' Lister said cheerfully. 'You just said I could play for Frank! Said he wanted to hear "bad" music. I'm guessing he meant metal.'

'No,' said Frank, 'I want to hear badly played music. I think it will be enjoyably horrific.'

Rimmer groaned as Lister and Frank began to argue loudly. He had known therapy would be a bad idea.

[oakswhoalista]

okay so i watched it again because i have been unable to think about anything else for the last 24 hours!!

there were so many beautiful and incredible moments throughout but i am mostly here to talk about lister and rimmer (also i know this aired in 2020, im aware that most things will have been said/pointed out, i am just a girl who loves her space boyfriends hanging out with their cat and their mech) also spoilers below in case you haven’t seen it either

——

firstly; the fact that rimmer has moved out of their room?! i have always (ever since i was a kid) been obsessed with the fact that lister and rimmer still share a room despite having the whole ship to themselves. they still bunk together bc they can and no one bats an eyelid. but obvs dave’s hoarding has become so much of an issue that not only has rimmer moved out, but can’t even step foot in there. lister, tidy that space up and get your husband back in there.

such a small moment but lister coming round the console to make sure he can catch rimmers light bee? stunning.

and then also to be the one to pick him up after his light bee crashes out? girl, you are so obvious.

when the boys are separated and rimmer is trying to catch up, he only says “lister where are you?” again this could mean nothing but i am reading into everything. particularly as we’ve seen in the past that rimmer goes with or to kryten with things.

another iconic moment was when rimmer went to offer to criticise lister, the SMIRK that is on craig charles’ face, you cannot tell me that wasn’t him trying not to laugh!!

i cried so much when i watched this the other day, watching the scene where rimmer powers down to low battery mode and the cat points out how weird it is. seeing rimmer come to the realisation that he isn’t deemed worthy or essential to the mission. to hear him be deemed less important than the heated seats or air con was awful and chris barrie played it so brilliantly, his minute expressions were everything. i loved lister defending rimmer and telling the cat to leave him alone, he could already tell this was going to send rimmer into a spiral. their relationship has developed so much over the series and it is wonderful to see. particularly when you think back to series 5 when they all pretended to love rimmer so they could escape his terror formed world.

right i could talk for the days about the moonlight scene and the set up scene. again i was already emotional from the above scene and i could not stop crying during this. rimmer basically insinuates he should k*ll himself to help the crew by removing his charge. important thing to note is that rimmer NEVER would have done that previously; he has always said he needs to be kept on, always disagreeing when they said to turn him off or reduce his power. he was always fearful they would never reboot him and yet in this episode, he was willing to shut down and help preserve the power to save the other 3!!!! lister looking horrified that he would even consider it?! lister telling him that people liked him and even ensuring that kryten said it. i cant man.

i think what i liked most about the moonlight scene is that lister is trying his upmost hardest to ensure that rimmer knows how important he is to the crew, to him. he knows he could say all the things that rimmer wants to hear but in this moment, it has to come from the heart. it has to mean something otherwise rimmer will die and that will be that. so he tells him. he tells him that he is important, that he exists without needing a reason too but also deep down, that lister needs him (also lister actually telling him that he needs him? someone sedate me)

okay lastly because this post has gotten away from me but when they are back on red dwarf, and kryten has powered down and rimmer is on his last bit of charge? THIS SCENE. when kryten has already gone and rimmer makes a comment, lister is the one to point out that rimmer doesn’t have long left. lister is the one to say, hold the hell on, we need to get you back too. and then, and then

“there’s a moon over here that could do with a little sunlight”

arnold j rimmer and david lister, you two have ruined me. that might possibly be one of the most romantic things i have ever heard. rimmer is the moon and lister is the sun?! god damn. and listers little smile when rimmer becomes diamond light again? my GOD. he was so cute and smiley and proud and him watching rimmer go and dispose of the bomb? i know the focus of this scene was the cats reaction to rimmers ‘death’ but lister looked like he had accepted this was the way it had to be and he would have to continue on. craig charles is just so good, like all of them tbf, with his subtle expressions.

so yeah, it’s safe to say this is one of my favourite episodes. i hope red dwarf does come back because i am not ready to say goodbye to these guys yet but if it doesn’t, then at least i have this episode to watch again and again.

if anyone would like to discuss any of these points with me, please please hmu. i love this show and lister/rimmer so much (again, i appreciate i am v behind)

[rawmeknockout]

i beg of thee, gimme a threesome of reader with any iteration of starbee. please, the winters are cold and i am starved for them. pleasseee

If it weren't for his hard-earned position, his own pride, and the fact his trine is staunchly implanted in the Decepticon faction, Starscream wouldn't put up with the demeaning treatment he receives regularly. In front of the whole bridge no less! The heat of his rage could still melt steel beams, having to put up with the Genericons snickering while Megatron berated him in front of the entire army. He buries his battered face into the small nook of Bee's neck. It's not big enough of a space for him, but dammit he's going to fit!

His arms nearly wrap around the bug twice with how small he is. Starscream could squash him, a thought that has occurred to him more than once. And if another Decepticon happened upon them, he would without hesitation, but, thankfully, Bee is well-aware of hidden places even the most sophisticated sensors would have trouble mapping. You wiggle your way in between them, grunting at Bee to "make space". If the SIC is large, you're absolutely miniscule, dwarfed even by Bumblebee's precise digits. The Buzzer looks down at you with affection so sickeningly obvious. Starscream feels the pit of shame and guilt harden in his spark. Here he is, seeking pity and solace with not only an Autobot but an organic, no less!

The Air Commander's sharp red optics land upon you, small and sweet, and can't help the way their light softens upon your skin. Soon, he promises himself, soon it won't matter what he does. Soon the war will be over and, whether the Decepticons win or lose, he will be able to hide away with his only comforts in the whole universe. Whether it be as a free mech or in a cell. When he's whisked you off to Cybertron it will be easier to hide your relationship, in particular if Megatron actually manages to win. The hard part will be staying alive. He's under no delusions Megatron will be rid of him once and for all once he has no need for the reinforcements, but Starscream is nothing if not persistent.

You're looking at him with a pinched, concerned expression; worry making deep troughs in your flesh. He hates when you do that, read him like a book. He leans down to press a soft kiss to your furrowed brow, expression smoothing under the touch of protoform. As much as he hates the extra scheming and mental effort that goes in to planning around a vulnerability like sparkmates, Starscream can't afford to let either of you into what goes on in his processor. He'll handle the burden of planning around the landmines, as long as you'll both be by his side in the end.

[iiep-wop]

One thing about Infinity Welcomes Safe Drivers and Better than Life in comparison to the actual show Red Dwarf is how much more serious and dangerous everything seems to be. For instance, Lister's time on Earth near the end of Better than Life. This section of the book honestly really affected me and so here are some bits which really stuck in my mind below the cut

It starts off wih the story of a man drowning in sewage and refuse on planet Earth. And it turns out that it's been changed into a complete garbage planet while Lister was away

It's nowhere near our solar system anymore, it's now spun out into space somewhere.

Lister really does get back to Earth and half goes insane when he realises. His main life goal complete and yet completely screwed over

Speaking of Earth, Lister goes through absolute hell while stuck there. He literally has a hole in his hand and a missing earlobe because of actual deadly acid pouring from the sky while he's marooned (not to mention he doesn't have Rimmer with him during this version of events, Rimmer gets switched back to Red Dwarf due to power problems with his light bee, he is alone)

He even begs for the earth to finally kill him

And ends up waiting alone for 34 years just hoping every day that the others would save him, bring him real food and take him home. But there's not really proper home anymore, Earth is a cesspool so home is just Red Dwarf. He is so blindly hopeful that they will eventually come and find him though, all under the belief of Rimmer's words final words to him: "we'll be back, trust me"

Quite similar to Rimmer's situation on Rimmerworld with time dilation for the others really

His only company are giant cockroaches and a tiny picture of Kochanski, the crew of Red Dwarf and her are the only things keeping him alive essentially

In all, I actually loved the Red Dwarf books, the story -although composed of various episodes re written and shuffled about- was actually really good and I generally loved the more emotional sections that it had that the show doesn't seem to have as much

[twodiamondhoes]

There's No Kind of Atmosphere (WIP)

A Scarian Red Dwarf AU

The door to their bunk slid open, the pneumatics swishing in a way that was familiar to Scar the same way that his own heartbeat was, when it thundered in the silence of being the last alive of over a thousand crew members.

Familiar, too, was the low hum of Grian's light bee, alerting Scar to his presence before he was even all the way through the door. Scar would never admit it, but the sound was nearly as comforting as the rumble of the ship's engine from seventy decks below.

He glanced over at his bunkmate, and was unsurprised to see him sitting at the table by their lockers, fully ignoring his astronav textbook in favor of arguing with the toaster.

"Yes, well, if I wanted a treatise on the universal quandaries of toast, I'd go to you, wouldn't I? But if, say, I didn't, which I don't, then your opinion would be entirely irrelevant."

"Rude," the toaster replied, it's voice still crackling from the last time Scar had punted it across the room. He needed to fix its voice box soon.

"You'll be lucky if you get lukewarm bread tomorrow morning," Scar said, before the toaster could start insulting Grian. They'd be at it all night, if he did, and while Grian might not need to sleep, Scar certainly did. Besides, he knew Grian liked sleeping, liked holding onto the facsimile of life, even if he was closer to being like Mumbo or Etho than he was to Scar. And it would be Scar who'd hear about it all day tomorrow, if he didn't nip this in the bud right now.

Grian stiffened, his back returning to it's usual ramrod-straightness. A muscle in his jaw twitched as he clenched his teeth. If he weren't a hologram, Scar thought, he'd be giving himself a devil of a headache. Then again, if ever there was a man who could give himself a simulation of a headache, it would be Grian.

"Fancy seeing you here," Grian said, his voice stiff, impassable. Scar resisted the urge to tell him he wasn't seeing anything, since he refused to so much as turn and look at Scar.

"It might come as a surprise," he said instead, trying to inject some humor into the situation. Sometimes Scar thought it would be easier to tell knock-knock jokes to a wall and get a laugh, "given my magnificence, but as amazing as I am, I do still need to sleep."

Scar could hear Grian's teeth grinding together, which was a feat, considering Grian was a projection made entirely of light, and didn't have any real teeth to grind. Scar would have to applaud Mumbo about his dedication to the facsimile of Grian, at some point.

"Let me rephrase, then. I'm surprised you're sleeping here."

Scar felt the world spin a little at the way that Grian's dark eyes cut over to him, looking at him at last, even as he felt his cheeks heat at the... well at the implications of it all.

"Oh," Scar said, because it was all that he could think of. He swung himself up onto his bunk, because it was easier than trying to figure out what Grian's face was doing, and what what Grian's face was doing was doing to him. He laid back, intending to leave it there, and heard Grian's sharp, irritated exhale. Then, because he couldn't leave well enough alone, he asked, "what do you think of her?"

"She's a git," Grian said automatically, and with a vehemence that Scar honestly didn't expect. He swung himself up so that his legs hung over the side of his bunk and looked at Grian again, ignoring the way his bones went sort of itchy with a feeling he wouldn't name when he did.

"Grian," he said, exasperated, "she's you."

Grian didn't answer. At first, Scar thought that that would be it, Grian would try and ignore the conversation, but then he said, in his most standoffish tone, "It's been three million years, Scar. I've always been dedicated to the plight of women in the world, and I think it's high time we all admitted that women can be gits, too."

"That's not," Scar cut himself off with a groan. It was worse than Grian trying to ignore the conversation. He was being willfully obtuse. Scar hated when Grian was willfully obtuse about things. It made him so much more stubborn. "That's not what I mean, and you know it."

Grian slammed the hologrammatic book closed. It dislodged the simulation of a dust jacket, revealing not Advanced Properties of Physics and You, but the startlingly yellow cover of Astronavigation for Dummies. Scar thought it made a satisfying noise, even if it was a little tinny, not as robust as slamming a real book shut would be. Grian stood up, passing through the chair he'd been almost-sitting in, and tucked the book under his arm. That, more than anything, clued Scar in to how upset Grian really was by all of this. He could pass through objects without trouble--had to, actually, given as a hologram, he couldn't touch anything--but he went out of his way to avoid it. Scar suspected it was another way to hold onto life, whatever way he could.

"Yes, yes," Grian said, his voice dripping with cheer, "we all know how taken you are with her and her space heroics, and her ponytail, it's all a bit sickening, really. Still, when you get around to it, do send me a save the date, so I can have Etho burn it."

"Grian," Scar began, but found he was speaking to Grian's back as he swept out of the room. He sighed, turning to the darkened screen in the corner of the room. "Where did I go wrong, Mumbo?"

The projection of the ship's computer flared to life, Mumbo's face twisted in sympathy.

"I'm no expert, mate, and this is just a guess, but I think it might have been when you asked him about Miss Griande."

Scar groaned again, frustrated beyond belief, and let himself fall back onto the thin mattress of his bunk.

"Lights," he called, and the room faded into darkness around him. He laid there a while, pretending to sleep, until a familiar hum returned to the room.

"Lights," Grian whispered, "dimmed."

Behind his closed eyelids, Scar noticed the lights raise infinitesimally. Something rose in him at the gesture. Grian had to know he wasn't asleep, he jabbed at Scar often enough about his snoring, but he still made the gesture, careful not to wake Scar. Careful to help them both maintain Scar's plausible deniability.

Grian sighed, sounding half frustrated, and half something Scar didn't quite recognize with his eyes closed.

Part of him wanted to ask what was wrong, but with the familiar hum of Grian's light bee finally back in the bunk below his, sleep was already stealing over Scar's consciousness.

[messoremxvi]

Just watched Red Dwarf: The promise lands for the first time tonight....And for the entire duration, I was either:

.Biting my pen because Dear Lord ✨️Rimmer✨️....which is something that definitely d i d not happen the entire movie 🤣

. Screaming at the tv

. Accidentally pausing it on Rimmers hands....and then just kinda.......staring at them when i came back in the room.....I'm sorry, but have you seen them??? I have a weakness for them.....and his shoulders and curls....and dear lord when that moron puts glasses on.....I'm fine over here 🤣🤣

. Screaming at all 3 smeggers whilst in the air lock

. Giggling at the return of the green suit...and the attempt at Rimmers original curly hair when we see him in his soft light suit

. Hiding from the TV because I don't know how to feel about.....Diamond Rimmer 🤣 loved the wig though.

. Face palming the entire movie

. Burying my face into my notebook the entire movie

. Screaming at Rimmer for being a complete and utter idiot....which happened for the entire duration of the film.....and basically the entire time I've watched the series....

. Screaming at the doit for plugging extension cables into one another

. Being absolutely ��️fine✨️ because he's strong enough to carry three extension cables....I have issues, leave me be 🤣

. Wanting to hug every single one

. Wanting to join the cats in dancing around the table....it looked fun..

. Wantinggg to hug Rimmer during his existential crisis. I love him too much to see that adorable man sad

. Pausing it after having a laughing fit at Krytens reaction to when Rimmer asks if he likes him

. And then worrying over the smegging idiot because he's killed his light bee battery because he can not be bothered to wait for t e s t i n g and I cannot survive correctly if I actually loose Rimmer....a g a i n.

Soooo, a very eventful night then😂😮‍💨🤦‍♂️

[weltato]

So I know that this has been mostly a Starkid blog recently but uhhh-

Red Dwarf fic where Rimmer has a panic attack (bc ofc he does, it's his thing) only it's about his light bee running out of charge and then we get explanation of how every time his battery is dying he's terrified he's not going to be recharged again, or something's going to go wrong and he just poofs. Gone. Nothing.

Soft light Rimmer I do kinda miss you. Wish they used the ability to switch between lights more often.

[shadowblade8192]

so im watching the new ninjago series (probably a bit late but oh well) and ive got to the episode where they have hard light holograms, and this is right after i finished rewatching red dwarf, which had the same tech lol. they even both kinda have light bees inside projecting the image and talk about them in similar ways (being indestructible, etc.).

[smirk-mode]

Some Red Dwarf Uniform Headcanons

Series 1 is the bonafide Space Corps uniform, at least for people working in commercial branches like JMC

Series 7 Flashbacks to that hideous blue uniform are specific to Kochanski's dimension

Series 8 is what the nanobots thought would be an improvement on this design - because they also recreated the crew, the crew didn't notice any difference

As for Rimmer and Lister's 'uniform' choices

Series 1 and 2 - They're both still lost and trying to figure out how to actually cope with their situation, so Rimmer holds fast to his pre-death routines, which includes a smart uniform. Lister just stops caring, but continues wearing hawaiian shirts and London Jets shirts like he did before as a way to buck authority. These also represent him trying to keep a link to his homeland (England) and his dream of retiring in a tropical paradise (Fiji)

Rimmer in Series 3 onwards - There have always been specific uniforms for Hologrammatic crewmen to wear, however most ships don't enforce this as having an H glued to your forehead is bad enough without further 'othering' the dead. Rimmer only stops wearing his original uniform when he finally accepts his new status, with Green meaning he's a hologram purely generated by Holly, Red meaning he's operating via Light Bee (likely something the crew scavenge at some point), and Blue as we know meaning Hard Light. He sticks with the blue from thereon in (apart from his Ace Rimmer stint) as he's fairly comfortable with the uniform.

Lister in Series 3 onwards - After reasonably adjusting to his lot in life as much as he can, and accepting he'll never see England again, or see Fiji at all, he discards the last of his uniform to try and be himself and tries to return to being the wannabe arty-farty type he always wanted to be (see 17 year old Sham Glam Lister for reference), resulting in his Space Biker look. But when he actually truly adjusts to their situation he ditches the biker jacket in favour of the Ripley-esque Space Trucker boiler suit, cos it's easier for him to do repairs while wearing it compared to a heavy jacket. But after losing Krissie he returns to his Space Biker outfits, having kind of given up on improving his lot. By the later series he's wearing the biker jackets and hawaiian shirts to try and recapture his youth.

As for the cat? He makes what he can with the materials he has at his disposal and deems whatever he makes at that time to be what's in fashion.... And Kryten? Well they just kind of cannibalise body covers off the dead series 4000 mechanoids they come across (a bit morbid but probably necessary), with Lister making custom parts if needed...

[thevaudevilledemon]

Death Battle: Grif & Simmons vs Lister & Rimmer; Who I think would win.

So, the polls are in for Grif and Simmon vs Lister and Rimmer, actually I've pre-written this so until yesterday I did not know who everybody voted for, (Though I had an idea).

With the polls now being in, I wanted to share my own opinions on this battle, because this was genuinely a really fun thing to think about, I'm a huge fan of both Red Dwarf and Red vs Blue, so digging into my memories of both and thinking about their strengths, weaknesses, arsenals, tactics and defenses was a lot of fun, however, in the end one duo had to die, and I think the winners of this battle would be...

Lister and Rimmer

"But Vaudevilledemon!' I hear some of you wanting to say, 'Grif and Simmons have actual military training, military grade weapons and armour, and have accomplished so much more than Lister and Rimmer, two normal ass looking dudes who have mining equipment."

So, let's talk about that, because the reasons I think Lister and Rimmer would win, kind of boil down to similar arguments, but let's take a look at each point separately.

1. Training Grif and Simmons have actual military training, whereas Rimmer's only experience in the military was a re-enactment society and temporarily commanding over wax-droid versions of Einstein, Stan Laurel, Elvis, Gandhi, Mother Teresa, Queen Victoria, Jean-Paul Sartre, Noel Coward, Santa Claus, Pythagoras, Abraham Lincoln, Marilyn Monroe, Pope Gregory, St. Francis of Assisi and the Dalai Lama... Red Dwarf could get weird.

However, it's worth remembering that the entire reason Grif and Simmons were part of the Blood Gulch Simulation was entirely because they sucked. Simmons was too much of a coward and Grif was too anti-authoritarian, so they were picked by Agent Florida, alongside Sarge, to be part of the plan to protect the Alpha A.I. in Blood Gulch, so they're training doesn't really amount to all that much, but training doesn't mean much if you have better weapons, but do Grif and Simmons have better weapons?

2. Weapons Grif and Simmons have standard battle rifles and Magnums, alongside SMGs, and a few other weapons they picked up and have lost, like Grif's Brute Shot and Suppressor, or Simmons Rocket Launcher. However, most, if not all, of these weapons have a limited ammo supply, which they have drained through pretty quickly. "Hey Grif, you remember that one bullet you have left? I just thought of the perfect use for it."

On the other hand, Lister and Rimmer have Bazookoids, mining equipment intended to blow apart rocks, and can fire plasma blasts. These devices do not eat up their power supply as fast, and have a heat seeking mode, useful for finding heat emitting resources, or hitting a spot multiple times. Plus, let's not forget that the Red Dwarf has crates of explosives, it is a ship under the Jupiter Mining Corporation (JMC) after all, and the Boys from the Dwarf have found several pieces of technological advancements over the years, including several forms of teleportation and time travel, a matter destabilizing gun, a triplicator, a DNA resequencer, and a bio-printer.

Even if we gave Grif his confiscated weapons, and Simmons the rocket launcher, Lister and Rimmer do have a slightly better, or at least a more varied, arsenal. But Arsenal doesn't matter if they can't get past their armour, and here is the big sticking point in Lister and Rimmer's favour.

3. Armour So, Grif and Simmons have military grade armour, which is great, and gives them an advantage over Lister, who has no armour. So, it is possible for either Grif or Simmons to get a lucky hit on Lister, and Rimmer is already dead, but a hologram.

Now, Rimmer has three stages of Hologram, soft light, hard light and diamond light. Soft Light is intangible and has no real physical presence outside of the light bee, hard light has more physical properties, plus is virtually indestructible, and Diamond light is (all information coming from Tongue Tied - The Red Dwarf Fandom Site) super-powered, with abilities like Super strength, super-speed, light manipulation and the ability to make anything he touches intangible or solid at will.

So, with his hard light form, Grif and Simmons have a slim chance of taking out Rimmer, and with Diamond Light, they'd have zero chance. Even if we assume that bullets can penetrate hard light and damage Rimmer's Light Bee (Like what happened to Ace Rimmer in Stoke Me a Clipper), the amount of time it would take for him to properly die, would be more than enough time for him to deal a fatal blow to Grif and Simmons, especially since their armour isn't completely durable, like when one sticky grenade to the face almost killed Donut.

Remember, it took a long time for the alternate universe Ace Rimmer to fully die in that episode, so it’s entirely reasonable that our Rimmer would take a similarly long time.

And about all those accomplishments

5. Feats and accomplishments Yeah so, Grif and Simmons have done a lot of massive stuff, like fighting against the Meta, saving a planet from a corporation's attempt to eradicate all its inhabitants, and something to do with Time A.I. and Shisno paradoxes, I dunno, I liked Singularity but the rest of the arc was... meh. Anyway, it is clear Grif and Simmons have some major feats under their belts, it's just that those belts are also wrapped around everyone else.

Grif and Simmons often share their feats with the other Reds and Blues, like Donut, Sarge, Lopez, Caboose, Tucker and let's not forget the real heavy lifters, Carolina and Washington.

Lister and Rimmer are kind of similar in that regard, plenty of great feats, such as defeating the Inqusitor, plugging a white hole by playing pool with planets, destroying a rogue simulant ship and literally giving the universe an existential crisis, yes that happened, but they also share these feats with Cat, Kryten... and that's usually about it.

Let me put it this way, assuming that they are all doing equal lifting, Lister and Rimmer would be doing a quarter of the work while Grif and Simmons would only be doing about a ninth, and that is being really generous with the numbers. We can argue more specific numbers, but it doesn’t matter the specifics when Lister and Rimmer share the work amongst less people.

6. Ways that Grif and Simmons could win However, there are ways that Grif and Simmons could likely take the victory, so let's run through them and counter them.

A) Hacking into Rimmer's light bee and shutting him off - Simmons could potentially do this, but it would mean getting access to a terminal, which has direct access to Rimmer's hologram projection unit, most likely the Hologram Projection Suite, and on a ship the size of a city, the chances of Simmons just happening upon the floor or terminal to shut Rimmer off is low, unless he had a dose of the luck virus, but that's a Red Dwarf thing.

B) Waiting for Rimmer's battery to drain - Once he's out of power he's vulnerable, but we don't know exactly how long Rimmer's battery lasts, or if it can even die while on board the Red Dwarf.

C) Blow up the Red Dwarf - So, the Red Dwarf has been blown up before, the improperly wired Triplicator caused the ship to blow up, however, the Red Dwarf itself has no self-destruct bomb, so the only way for them to blow up the whole ship is to utilize the on board explosives, which is not foolproof as Lister and Rimmer are clever and could hide the explosives, or even plan a trap around them.

So, while I’m not one-hundred percent on Grif and Simmons taking the victory, I can still see them taking a few victories, but I think the Boys from the Dwarf would take more thanks to their craftiness and Arnold’s hologramatic status.

That really is the crux of these arguments, it’s not “Who would win one hundred percent of the time?”, it’s “Who would win most of the times?”. If you run one battle a hundred times, both sides will win at least once. So, I can see why most people voted for Grif & Simmons... even if I’m fairly certain most of them voted because they’re shipping trash (No judgement there), but for my money, I have to pick the crafty, hard to pin and much more clever smeg-heads from space, David Lister and Arnold Rimmer.

However, whether we think Grimmons would win or Listold would win, we can all agree... Venom vs Bane was a terrible match-up, right?

This was fun, I think I’ll do this again sometime.

[miniherodesktales]

Advent 13: Home Alone Cat - Part 3

Rimmer was exhausted. Green sparks were jumping out of his Light Bee and he could see out of his left eye; the other he assumed was gone, no longer part of his projected image. Every five minutes the word "Error" jumped alarmingly into his brain, all lit up in red - a direct message from the Light Bee to his mind that he needed to stop. "Shutdown advised" flashed in his mind.

'Dismiss! Dismiss!' Rimmer barked. He had reached for the chair trapping Lister, hoping to push it away, but his hands ghosted straight threw it. With a grunt, he tried again. This time his hands found a purchase and he pushed all his weight against it, but he hardly had any physical presence left.

'Krtyen, help me!' he shouted. 'Kryten!'

'On-on my way, sir!' Kryten called back. 'Just cutting my leg free!'

A familiar chorus of clicking sounded from the back of the cockpit. Rimmer nearly cried with relief.

'Bob! John!' he called. 'Come here, boys, come here! You can do it....Get a move on!'

***

On the Dwarf, the word was out, spread from vending machine to steam mop to Frank the Washing Machine to vending machine again: there was an army of invaders on board. It was time to organise and fight back.

***

The Cat's nose twitched.

'Fellas?' he murmured sleepily. But, no, the scent was unfamiliar. The Cat sat bolt upright. It wasn't them, it wasn't his friends. So, who was it?

The Cat's instincts were going crazy. Time to put his investigating feet to good use. There was an emergency escape hatch hidden under the sofa; the Cat was down and gone in a matter seconds, just in time as Hogey and Logey forced their way into the bunk room.