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#like I didn't get nearly enough sleep last night and my now my bus has broken down and I'll be late for work and most likely therefore end
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🤙
#dawg they are so right when they say that your mindset is the most powerful tool - if not sometimes the solution - to a shitty situation#like I didn't get nearly enough sleep last night and my now my bus has broken down and I'll be late for work and most likely therefore end#up leaving late for work - despite how I planned ahead and got up early and had plans for after work that might be delayed or cancelled now#but BITCH I'm listening to anpanman and recreating the bts concert that I went to in my head#and I'm being flooded with that same feeling I got when I saw them performing this live on stage...the colourful lights & BOUNCY CASTLE#THE SECOND TIME? and remembering their enthusiasm and warmth and the nice things they said to us and I'm SMILING#serotonin really be stored in the airpods ig#but for real I recently became friends with someone who received life coach training & she has inspired me so much to implement a mindset#revolved around gratitude#like now I'm stuck in rain bc we are in need of a replacement bus BUT that gives me more time to chill on my phone + my boss is#understanding and wouldn't punish me for being late like some others would + the air feels soo refreshing + a dozen other reasons to feel#good despite the circumstances#every day above ground is a good day bitch!#wow imagine my depressed ass self from years ago hearing me say that...she could never#anyway that's it from me today see you next time beloved internet diary of mine#personal#I'm ✨ a 🤩 new 🌈 superhero 💃 ANPANMAN 💜#(blatantly ignores that the lyrics are actually supposed to be deep and sad and sentimental LMAOOOOOOOOO 😭)#we are on the new bus now let's goo
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im-not-a-l0ser · 2 months
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Hi, today sucked, lemme tell you all the reasons it sucked in chronological order
I woke up at 1 am and read for a while. I did not get back to bed until 5 am.
I woke up approximately 15 minutes before I had to be out the door, so despite my planning to take a shower and wear a Victorian esc clothing today (for throwback Thursday, dumb school thing) I couldn't.
I didn't eat last night, so for the first time this semester I got breakfast from the cafeteria and it was not good.
We were practicing hand and arm massages in class for state board and wow, I fucking hated the smell, feeling and all around company of the lotion we were using.
I didn't charge my phone last night so I had my phone (and laptop) plugged in for my last two periods of school.
It was warm enough that I didn't need my jacket (a comfort item) so I took it off and put it over my backpack. It fell on the dirty bus floor while I was napping through the half hour bus ride.
My laptop wasn't plugged in properly so it was nearly dead when I got home.
Dad said we were going to the library to file my taxes. Okay, gotcha, I won't change into my home clothes, I'll just switch my binder out for a bra.
My sheets were dirty and I didn't want to lay in my gross bed with clean clothes on so I stripped my mattress and brought the sheets downstairs, where I find the washing machine on a self cleaning cycle. It was at 0, but I guess that's not done?
I notice that my little siblings who had lice for a couple days have put clothes in the laundry basket downstairs, which has my prom dress in it. Prom is on Saturday and I am literally too afraid to dig through their shit to find the dress.
I return to my room and work on chapter two of a story, but it's getting late and my dad hasn't called me out to the van yet.
I only learn my dad is home when he sends a picture of dinner to the gc. I leave my room to ask when we're doing taxes; he tells me he's eating and that I should eat too.
Twenty minutes later (like 7:50 pm at this point), we finally start my fucking taxes.
Very long annoying process, to learn that state taxes should not be filed through this site for me. It worked just fine for my sibling. I ask dad if we can do it tomorrow and he says taxes are due in four days. Whatever.
We go to a different site to file my state taxes where I try to register twice and it denies me both times for my laptop having a VPN. I do not control that; it's my school laptop and it didn't even process that's what the issue was for like 10 minutes.
Dad tells me to go to bed. He's tired. That's when I'm allowed to go to bed, when he's tired.
I return to my room and realise my sheets have never been put in the wash, and I can't sleep without a blanket. And for obvious reasons, I only trust that one blanket right now.
I shove it in the wash for a half hour load, but it doesn't fucking matter because my sister's shit is in the dryer at 45 minutes. She doesn't have an empty basket in the bathroom to put the dry stuff into should it finish and someone else needs to. Her shit is going on the floor in about 20 minutes.
I'm laying on my bed, very cold, just waiting for the fucking wash to be done so I can go to sleep. Except, I know it won't be because my sheets take like two hours to dry at high heat, which also means I won't have my comfort jacket for tomorrow.
I just want to go to sleep and can't because I'm stressing over the idea of going to school in not my comfort jacket.
Honorable mentions: My cosmetology textbook has really misleading information regarding synthetic wigs and its pissing me off. I was supposed to go to Walmart today so I could get breakfast for tomorrow. We had a test in English that gave me a lot of anxiety.
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multiversemusings · 1 year
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A Meeting of Fate
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Originally prompted by @bakerstreethound Pairing: Doctor Fate/Kent Nelson x MReader Rating: PG Warnings: Minor cursing Genre: Fluff Word Count: 1,500 Plot: You rush halfway across the city to get from your dingy apartment in the heart of New York City to hopefully reach your class on time. But the universe has it in for you today because you get dizzy due to having no breakfast and slam into someone on the way there. Or does it? The man follows you into the nearby cafe and returns you textbook, but there's something very familiar about him. Song Inspiration: Movement by Hozier
A/N: I wasn't planning to do one of this character so soon, but I saw the prompts that my friend gave me and hot damn, my brain put them all together was like "HELL YES. DOCTOR FATE. HERE WE GO". So, we do lol.
All writings belong to @multiversemusings. Do not steal, repost as your own or take credit for my work. If you have a request, please put it in my inbox!
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"I could never define all that you are to me."
You were running way behind. More so even than usual. The phone call that you had received from your sister in Africa the previous night had taken up almost all of your night and not only had you failed to finish studying for your semi-finals, but you had also barely gotten any sleep. It wasn't very often you heard from her since she had become a member of the Peace Corp over a year ago now, so any chance you got to talk to her, you took without hesitation. You got to hear about how she was helping a group of children to read English, how the women of the village nearby were teaching her to weave baskets and that she was apparently developing a bit of a crush on one of the local translators. He was apparently quite a charmer and often brought her small gifts from the city to keep her comfortable. You wished you had been that lucky to find a man who took your breath away as easily as Ronald did for her, you informed, which had made her laugh. It was a wonderful sound to hear after being apart for so long. Unfortunately, university didn't stop just because you stayed up all night talking to basically the person who had been your true best friend since childhood. At half passed the hour you realized finally that the sun was shining down on your face through the cracks in your blinds. As you grabbed your cellphone from the bedside table, you realized you had slept through your primary alarm and your back up on top of that.
"Shit!" you cursed as you tossed your phone aside and all but leapt from your bed.
Your usual morning routine that would have normally lasted you a little over an hour went by in a blur of twenty minutes which meant cutting corners on thing. You took a very quick shower, just enough to clean your body and wash your hair, ignoring the burning of the scar that you had recently sustained on your arm from a car wreck. You opted to let your short hair dry by air rather than take a blow-dryer to it or style it, put on a nice pair of jeans, a white tank top and a button down over it which you left open. You put on your Cons that you had gotten from your mother as a reward for making it into Uni before you actually shipped off halfway across the country to New York from that hole in the wall you called a hometown in Washington. You packed all of your textbooks into your bag along with your supplies and grabbed your keys and wallet from the tablet inside the door before leaving out the door. You didn't drive due to the accident you had been in, so your usual commute involved one ride on the subway, two buses and walking a block and a half to the school. You couldn't bring yourself to get behind the wheel of a vehicle again after nearly losing your life to a drunk driver and being in a coma for over a year. So everywhere you went, you took some other mode of transportation to save yourself from having to pop four or five anxiety pills just to make it through the rest of the day. But as you got off the second bus that you rode to get across the city, you were overcome with a strong wave of dizziness and had to grab onto the nearby sign to keep from collapsing. As you closed your eyes and held your forehead to stead yourself, you felt stupid for forgetting to grab at least a couple of pieces of toast before you left the apartment.
"Great job, that's the third time this month alone you've forgotten your personal health for this damn school," you scolded yourself. You groaned as the scar on your arm burned again. Once the wave passed, you corrected your bag and opened your eyes, heading off down the road. "I'm going to have to make time to get something to eat. Collapsing on the way to class would be defeating the purpose of rushing out the door."
Thankfully, you knew this area well enough by now that you were aware of a cafe not even a block from where you were that wasn't usually busy at this house, so you decided to stop in and get something to keep you from passing out. But as you rounded the second corner, your body felt like a camera shutter and you grunted as you all but collapsed forward. Your shoulder slammed into someone and jolted you back into your body as you dropped your bag, your books scattered across the ground.
"Oh my, are you alright young man?" the stranger asked with a voice rich like an expensive fabric. He steadied you and helped you kneel down as you held your head.
"Yeah, I'm alright," you replied as you lowered your hand to look at him. He was an older gentleman, with beautiful snowy white hair and a matching goatee. His eyes were the most stunning blue that you had ever seen, like a thousand untold stories the ocean had to offer. "I'm... so sorry. I'm such a klutz."
"Nonsense, you are clearly very weak from low blood sugar judging by the way you are shaking and sweating. I am fine so do not apologize. Here, let me help you gather your things."
"Thank you." Between the two of you, all of your things were gathered and put neatly back into your bag within a moment before you put it back over your shoulder and the two of you stood up.
"Will you be okay, young man? Is there a place nearby where you can get some kind of nourishment to bring your glucose back up to normal?" he asked, the worry in his voice made a pleasant tingle run down your back as he frowned.
"Yeah, South of the Broiler Cafe is just down the way, so I'm heading there. I'm still sorry for bumping into you, sir. Thank you for helping me pick up my stuff once again. Have a good day."
You nodded your head in respect before turning and finishing your short trek to the cafe, stepping in out of the damp, cold morning. The smell of coffee and morning foods filled your sense of smell and invigorated your mind just a bit to wake you up a little more. It also succeeded in reminding you that you were hungry and that's why you were here. As you stepped into line, your mind began thinking about the handsome stranger you had just run into. He was dressed in a very nice suit and wore three very expensive looking rings on his fingers, yet he had stopped and knelt to help you pick up your things. You couldn't fathom how someone like that hadn't yelled at you for running into them, let alone how they could kneel down on the damp New York sidewalk to help you pick up your books. Your mind kept going back to his eyes, their beautiful blue color, the way that they seemed to be looking right through you- A hand tapped your shoulder gently, so you turned to look over your shoulder and - as if your thoughts had summoned him to you - found the man whom you were just thinking of standing before you. He gave you a kind smile and you couldn't deny that your face grew about three degrees warmer than the air around you, and it had absolutely nothing to do with exhaustion.
"I believe you forgot one," the man informed you with a slight chuckle. When you looked at his hand, he was holding out your textbook Chemistry in Quantitative Language.
"Oh god, I didn't even see this one," you replied as you took it from him carefully. Your eyes met his blue ones, and again, he gave you that same look that made you feel like he was looking right through you. "Uhm… Can I buy you a coffee, sir? To make up for bumping into you in my airheaded rush and for returning my textbook."
"I think I would quite like that, indeed, Anpu," he replied, and you looked taken aback by the use of your nickname that very few knew. "Apologies, I did not mean to startle you."
"Who…are you?" You knew there was something important about this man because the scar on your arm hadn't been burning since you made contact with him on the sidewalk.
The man extended his hand to you, his smile never wavering even as it took you a moment to accept it.
"My name is Kent Nelson, and I have been watching you for a very long time, my friend." He brought your hand to his lips; his well-kept goatee brushed the sensitive skin of your knuckles and goosebumps erupted all across your skin as you lost your breath. He stood up right again and his eyes sparkled with a light only worthy of a romance novel. "And it is fate we have met here today."
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giorno-plays-piano · 3 years
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Vicious
Part IX
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Pairing: Steve x reader, Bucky x reader, Thor x reader, Loki x reader, Peter x reader
Warnings: yandere, obsession, stalking, possessiveness, theft, all characters are adults.
Words: 1574.
Summary: Transferring to Stark Academy that has only allowed to take in female students last semester, you realize you are just one of three young women among hundreds of students. Your things are constantly being stolen, and soon you begin fearing for your safety.
Part I | Part II | Part III | Part IV | Part V |  Part VI | Part VII | Part VIII
________
You didn't know what else to say, feeling ashamed. Who cared about your family circumstances? Definitely not Steve Rogers, a man you met just a couple of weeks ago and who knew nothing about you. Why did you say something like that in the first place?
You didn't wanna look at his face and see him feeling guilty because he didn't know how to comfort you. You didn't need to be comforted. You didn't need anything at all. It was just a simple cold, right?
Despite that, you suddenly started talking from beneath your blankets, "I have a younger brother. When he was born, we found out he was having severe asthma. His childhood was terrible, he had constantly been sick, I remember him being in and out the hospital all the time. Of course, because of his condition, my parents spent most of the time with him. He was just a little sick kid."
You hated yourself for talking, for showing something to Steve he shouldn't have known because he wasn't your friend, but you couldn't force yourself to stop.
"On the other hand, I am lucky to have good health. I didn't really got very sick, so, well, I didn't need help like my brother. So, I'm used to taking of myself. I'm a big girl, I don't need my mom to dance around me just because I have a cold."
Of course, you didn’t. You were perfectly capable of taking care of yourself, and even of Steve didn't show up, you'd be alright by yourself. You'd just take your acetaminophen, and then everything would be ok.
You kept silent, staring at the inside of the blanket and wishing Steve would just disappear, leaving you to your misery. You didn’t see his face, and you were glad you didn't. What he must think about you? That you were craving for his attention like a spoiled kid? Shit, it was so embarrassing. You were an adult, for goodness sake!
"I don't know about you, but when I had a flu sachet, it would make me fall asleep really quick. And when I was feeling sleepy, I would start thinking about the things I loved most because I hoped I would see them in a dream." Instead of feeling ever more ashamed, you listened to Steve's soft voice and thought you were lucky it was him being here with you now. "It actually worked, and I have been having my best dreams when I was asleep, sick. What are the things you love most?"
Surprised, you looked up at him and saw the most gentle expression on a face of a guy you had ever met. Why did he look at you like that? Why was there no pity on his face? Why was it making you cry like you were a ten year old kid? Before he could see anything, you hid beneath the blanket again and kept silent for a couple of moments to calm down.
"I love lemon pies my grandma used to make me, and her garden. She had tomatoes and cabbage and strawberries that smelled like summer. I loved watering them nearly every day because I thought I was a little forest witch who lived in her pretty cottage in the woods."
You didn't know why you were telling him this, but Steve has a strange effect on you. Or was it cold? You had no idea, but it didn’t really matter. All you were thinking about was the way fresh tomatoes smell when you'd leaned down to water them, and the sound of bees flying above strawberry's flowers. Your grandma was taking care of her cabbage - a very capricious guest in her garden - and you could hear her working, cursing grandpa for making the patches too wide in that funny voice of hers. Then she'd stood up, wiped the sweat with the back of her hand, and called you to come back to the cottage because if was time for dinner. You'd run to wash your hands in a barrel of water near the big apple tree when grandma didn't see, and soon you were sitting with her, eating her famous cabbage soup and then having a piece of a lemon pie because you worked so well today.
You could almost feel the taste on the tip of your tongue.
By the time you woke up, Steve was long gone: it was the middle of the night, and instead of him you saw a thermos with a still warm chicken soup on a chair, waiting for you. He sent you a message that you could call him at any time of the day - or night - and that he wanted you to have a bit more sleep to get better. After you had a few more sips of his soup, you fell asleep again, feeling warm and fuzzy.
_______
The weekend went fast. It was the first time in several years you spent so much time in bed. Steve kept appearing at your door from time to time with a new bags of food despite you telling him you had your own, but he always insisted you should it something fresh and warm. Surprisingly, he wasn't the only one at your door: Thor suddenly showed up with his whole team, bringing you notes for the upcoming exams they collected altogether, apparently. Loki sent you a message if you needed anything, and Peter left contacted you on Instagram, leaving you links to games you could play so you wouldn't feel bored. Even Bucky gave you a call, asking if he could come and give you a few packs of Neo Citran for your cold, but you kindly refused: Steve literally brought you a yearly supply of this.
It was strange. Of course, when you were in high school, your friends grew worried about you when you had been sick, but there was nothing else to it. Wasn't it always like this? Nobody came to see you. Nobody brought you soup or gave you meds or anything. Despite feeling embarrassed, you realized you actually liked it when somebody was close to you like that. It was comforting seeing Steve popping up and not having to worry about how pretty you looked: he laughed when he saw you getting all shy because you were in your pyjamas. He said he definitely didn't expect you laying on your bed in an evening gown.
Before you realized it, you were already getting better. It was just a cold, really. Soon your throat was no longer sore, and while you were still sneezing, your temperature dropped down to normal, so on Monday you were ready to come back to school as planned. Funny enough, you no longer cared if you passed your exams, having 100%. You didn’t talk about it with Steve, but Peter was laughing like crazy about that when you told him.
Funny. They no longer looked so scary to you. They were just a couple of boys, weren't they? Regardless all those scary rumors and stuff, they were just guys. Maybe they were weird and stupid and a little bit scary because you didn't know them, they were still alright. Thor said it to you, didn't he?
Monday was Bucky's day, so, once you were done dressing, he nocked at your door: you were feeling a bit shy, watching him in that leather jacket and torn jeans he kept wearing the whole year around, apparently. Barnes looked like a teenage girl's dream. He smelled like cigarettes - although he said he was trying to quit - and pinewood. Just like Thor, he liked to skip classes he didn't enjoy much, but he was smart enough to pass the exams. Funny enough, he had a motorcycle.
Again, you wondered how come girls weren't coming from a city on a bus just to go see him.
"Are you sure you’re feeling better?" He asked you softly. "You can stay home today."
"No, no, I'm perfectly alright, thank you! How are you?" Smiling, you closed the door and hid the key in your bag.
"I'm good, thank you."
He didn't speak much, but as you walked in silence, you thought it was comforting - not talking at all and feeling good about it. While Bucky looked like a scary biker, in fact, his calm and friendly demeanor only helped you relax around him. Besides, it was funny how students seemed to give him way whenever they saw him, and you thought if Steve was the King, then Bucky was the Knight.
Before you went into the your classroom, he suddenly stopped you, "Listen, I wanted to say I have your stuff."
You blinked, "What stuff?"
You didn't give him any of your stuff. Actually, after Steve gathered you all in the student council room, you only met Bucky this morning for the first time.
"The stuff those freaks took. Your... your clothes, I mean." He muttered under his breath, and you gaped at him.
Your underwear. He found your bra and panties those guys took from your room.
"Wait... how?" Staring at Bucky who, apparently, was feeling a bit embarrassed talking about it, you thought how on Earth he got those things.
There was only one way he could, right?
"Bucky, was it you who beat those guys?"
It took him a couple of seconds to turn his face to you and then sigh, "Yes, it was me."
_________
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sweetestlamb · 3 years
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Bring Me To Life
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Summary: Kang Sujin has never had anyone to turn to, hiding behind a façade her entire life. Someone begins to peek behind the mask. 
Author’s note: My two favorite characters in TB are Seojun and Sujin, both characters who are honestly treated like trash by the writers. I cannot begin to tell how upsetting it was to see Sujin’s character assassination or how painful it is to watch her being physically abused knowing that the writers will not give her therapy or a true happy ending. She’s just here to be beaten and vilified. Seojun, I won’t even rant everyone knows what the problem is (idk who told them we wanted to see Start-Up the high school edition.) So I wrote this after watching the most recent episode and hating most of it for these reasons. I don’t know how far it’ll go or how often I can update, but I need my two babies to have a happy ending preferably together because the visuals are just a dreammmm. 
The rain crashes down loudly from aggrieved storm clouds bellowing above her in the sky, the chilled condensation plastering her thin satin pajamas to her trembling body. She had to get out, the pain in her cheek numbing and electrifying all at once.
How dare she tell him that she didn't want to get married, want to stand on her own two feet without a man giving her value?
His hand had flown across the room before she could sidestep the blow, the fragile glass filled with water in her hand- the very reason she'd left her room in the dead of night- shattering into jagged pieces as it collided with a greater force. Just like her.
She hadn't been trying to eavesdrop but it was hard not to hear him chuckling deeply on the phone, offering up his only child like she was an item on a menu.
"Yes we should set them up. It seems Suho isn't interested and she should marry young, that's when women are worth the most."
Nausea rolled like waves in the pits of her stomach and before she could think logically, her feet were sprinting into the living room, air barely filling her lungs as she stared at the man she'd never once thought of as a father. The last time she'd made the grave mistake of calling him daddy he'd smacked her so hard that was how she lost her first tooth. He'd been father ever since or Mr. Kang. She tried her best to avoid him at all cost, she would never be good enough and it was getting harder to hide the marks he left behind.
It was difficult to remember clearly what occurred seconds after her refusal to marry a man she didn't know left her lips, his fist connected and she was knocked back onto their coffee table the sharp edge cutting at her cheek. As she looked at him, anger painting his face a demonic red, fear crippled her and her hands twitched desperately wanting to wash them raw. Then he grabbed a thick marble ashtray from the table and her instincts took over and she was out the door, running as fast as she could, knowing her life was at stake and she couldn't afford to stop.
When the cloud in her head cleared that was when she found herself at the bus stop.
Judgmental whispers breeze by her ears as people passed by with umbrellas, shocked to see the young girl crying in her pajamas at the stop, but none stopped to offer her help or inquire about her situation, happy just to pass judgement. She ignores them all, panicking racing through her blood until she's unable to breathe, choking on nothing as she twitches in the harsh air. Her throat constricts as she screams at herself, breathe. 
Breathe.
BREATHE! 
But it's useless as her body shuts down, forgetting how to do the basic function, she sways as she starts to feel light headed from the lack of oxygen and with a final wheeze she collapses. 
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
He signs as he weaves past cars moving far too slowly, adrenaline rushing through his veins as he marginally misses nipping a car to the left of him, easily dragging his motorcycle away with the fluid movements of his body. He glares up at the sky before cursing, "Fucking weather report didn't say anything about a sudden rainstorm." If he'd known he would have stayed home, always hating the rain. It brought back bad memories.
Halting at a red light, he puts his leg down for balance bouncing slightly in place. Pulling the shield up on his helmet he glances around, recognizing the area easily, before something in his peripheral catches his attention, a lump on the ground. Tilting his head he revs his trusty iron steed to live, riding over to the direction of the mysterious mass on the wet ground. As he gets closer his heart falters, it's too evident now. 
It's a person.
Jumping off his bike and pushing out the kickstand he flings his helmet off, his hair immediately drenched under the downpour as he races over to help. As he nears the figure, it becomes clearer it's a woman wearing what looks like sleep clothes. Momentarily he wonders if this is a crazy person and if he should just mind his business but a frightening image of his little sister unconscious on the ground and no one coming to her aid flashes in his mind.
"I'll just check if she's breathing and call an ambulance. That's all, if she tries to attack me I'll just ride away." He takes a deep breath, collecting his courage before closing the gap between him and the unconscious woman.
Crouching beside her, he reaches out a hand hesitating before sighing and shaking at her cold shoulder. No response. He shakes harder now, watching the motion quake through her entire body, but still she is unresponsive.
"Hey! Hey! Are you okay? Wake up, you're scaring me!" He starts to jiggle her with both hands, before he crawls into her space not caring about his safety any longer, the idea that this unknown woman might be dead is making him nauseous. People are always dying without his permission. It's so frustrating.
"Wake up! Come on!" He shouts at the figure now holding both her shoulders and turning the woman over, lifting her face from its place on the ground, cradling her limp body in his lap. After two more vicious shakes, she starts to cough and groan in his arms. Relief swims through his veins as he watches her come back to life, anxiously watching as her dewy long lashes flutter open and he's caught in a lifeless deep gaze.
"Han Seo-Jun?"
It takes a long pause for him to register that the woman has said his name and then a longer moment to recognize who she is.
"Kang Su-Jin?" He replies in genuine shock, taking in the wom--young girl in his arms. She's shivering so violently that it's becoming difficult to hold onto her, vibrating out of his hold before he grips her tighter, whipping off his jacket without second thought and wrapping it around her. Goosebumps raising on his skin as his body mentally berates his lack of survival skills.
"What are you doing here?" She looks at him bewildered as if the stranger occurrence is his presence and not her own.
He squints his eyes looking back at her, "I could ask you the same thing. I found you unconscious here. I thought you were...." He trails off unable to utter the rest of his sentence.
"You should have left me here. Maybe I would have. If I was that lucky."
"What? Are you crazy, you want to die? Did you do this to yourself, what are you on?!" He roars at her, rage flooding his system as he shouts at the stupid girl, how dare she try to kill herself and leave her body for him to find? He wishes he had taken a different route, that he'd never come across her. He was in no state to comfort someone who was suicidal, still too raw and hurt. What was so hard about living that made people want to do that? Hot tears gather in his eyes as he abruptly pulls away from Sujin, unapologetic as she tumbles to the ground without his support.
She starts at him, stunned before righteous fury twists her features and she roars back at him.
"Who are you to judge me! I didn't ask you to help me, leave me alone!"
He glares back at her ready to yank his jacket away and run away from her but a small movement stops him, as she's screaming at him a small muscle twitches in her cheek bringing his attention to said cheek. It's nearly purple, standing out obscenely on her pale skin and then he notices the split lip and the bruises on her neck and he's so ashamed of himself he could bawl.
He deflates before speaking to her, "What happened to your face? Who did this to you?"
He doesn't know what kind of look he has on his face but before his questions can even settle between them she's sneering and twisting away from him, throwing his jacket on the ground before making her escape. Unprepared for her sudden departure he reacts too late, before chasing after her. It's easy to close the distance separating them with his long legs and within seconds she's merely inches in front of him, he reaches out a large hand to grab her wrist but hesitates recalling the bruises littering her frame. Instead he races past her, blocking her with his body swerving to the left and then the right when she tries to dodge him. They play this cat and mouse game before she finally gives up, glaring up at him with moist enraged eyes.
"Why do you care? We aren't even friends!"
Her piercing shout rings in his ears as he looks down at her passively. He can't answer that question, doesn't know what brought him to this area so late and not understanding why he was the one to find her in this condition. He doesn't know why he cares. But maybe things could have been different if Se-Yeon had someone to chase him. Maybe he'd still be alive...
So he answers her honestly.
"I don't want anymore people to die."
To his complete shock she starts to cry, tears falling rapidly from her eyes before she crumples to the ground, the rain pounding on her head and he stands still unsure of what to do before he drapes the jacket he'd rescued from the ground over her head, shielding her from most of the thunderous downpour. When she looks up to see the jacket protecting her, he almost falls backwards as her head slams into his chest, her tears simmering hot on his chilled body. It's almost painfully uncomfortable but he doesn't move away. Letting her cry on his chest, his shirt is soaked anyway this makes no difference.
He doesn't know how long they are crouched there on the ground, so dark that the sidewalk is completely devoid of anyone else, it feels like they are the only two people left on Earth.
"If we stay here you're going to get a cold."
He voices his concern but the only reply he receives is a gross sounding sniffle and he grimaces, knowing that his poor shirt is probably damaged beyond repair covered in snot and tears.
Sighing he starts to repeat himself before she whispers, "I don't have anywhere to go."
"I can take you home." Her fists tighten in his drenched shirt, he can practically feel the fear wafting off her, he'd assumed the marks on her face were from a possessive unhinged boyfriend but her reaction makes him uneasy. He tries to push those unpleasant thoughts to the corner.
"What about your friends? Why don't you call Su-ah or Ju-Kyung, I’m sure they’ll help you.” 
She stiffens in his arms before shaking her head in decline.
"No. I can't let anyone else see me like this. I don't need them looking at me the way you did, like I'm a sad pitiful puppy. I never want anyone look at me like that again."
He can respect that, he never wants to appear weak in front of others. It was easier to become angry and lash out rather than showing your true heart, nobody could hurt you that way.
"Then what? Where do you want to go?"
"I have nowhere to go. I'll stay here until morning. I'll be fine, you can go."
He looks at her dumbfounded, what kind of man would leave a battered woman alone in the rain? He wasn't raised by animals, damn it.
"Let's go." He makes a point not to touch her, their only point of connection are her hands twisted in his shirt.
"What?"
He bulldozes past her confusion, looking at her with what he hopes are comforting eyes.
"I'm taking you to my house. I can't just leave you here."
"Are you crazy? Don't you live with your mother and sister, what will they say?"
He winces at the logical inquiry, he had already considered that himself, thinking of his mother's subsequent smacks and his sister's teasing once they learned what he'd done but still deciding that he has no other choice. He can't just leave her here.
He shrugs, "That's my problem to worry about. I'm not leaving you here, I'd really like to get out of his rain. Let's go." He repeats himself harder, pleading with her.
She looks away and he's prepared to throw her over his shoulders and face the consequences when he hears her response, "Okay. Let's go."
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
It's a quiet ride back, the engine rumbling through the aching bones of her frozen body. Han Seojun. The last person she ever expected to see after being roused from her panic induced collapse. Her arms tighten around his thin waist as he swerves around a car, adrenaline and fear battling for dominance in her body. When her fingers accidentally brush across wet bare skin she quickly moves her hands higher, fighting the embarrassment that washes over her.
If he notices she can't hear his reaction over the roar of the motorcycle.
When they finally pull up to a small apartment, she loosens her hold on him cracking her frozen digits.
"You didn't need to hold that tightly, I wasn't going to let anything happen to you. I ride this everyday you know."
She doesn't reply focusing on getting off the bike, swinging her leg over and hopping off not graceful but effective, a small proud smile spreads on her face before she gazes back at him.
He stares back before shaking his head, as if lost in a daze before he stomps off for her to follow.
Wordlessly she trails behind him, feeling foolish in her duck pajamas, a gift from Su-ah.
When he pushes his front door open, letting her in first she steps out of her sopping wet house slippers standing awkwardly looking around.
"Stay here. I'll get towels so we don't trail too much water."
She nods at his command, gazing at the floor and seeing how much water is already pooling around her feet.
"Here." He hands her a fluffy pink towel, she raises an eyebrow at the color.
"It's the guest towel. I wouldn't give you my towel."
That makes sense, sharing towels is far too intimate for the relationship they have. That being none. 
She rapidly towels at her hair, before running the towel down her body and wrapping it around her waist.
"You can use the bathroom. It's the second door on the right. I'll bring you dry clothes."
She steps cross the doorway, finally entering his home. Before she turns back to him staring directly into his eyes, "Than.... You didn't have to do this." She loses her confidence but his answering smirk lets her know he understood enough, with that she walks to the bathroom locking herself inside.
The sight of her bruised face in the mirror makes her pause, reaching up to finger at the stark purple mark on her cheek. She's crying before she can control her emotions, tears dripping into the sink as she remembers her night, how close she was to the end despite what she said to Seojun she wanted to live. As her father stood above her ready to snuff her out like a mere nuisance in his life, she realized with a burning passion how desperately she wanted to live.
A soft knock drags her back to reality as she rapidly wipes her tears away.
"I'm leaving clothes by the door. You can come out whenever you're ready. I'm making tea."
When she hears the light steps of his feet moving away from the door she opens the door a crack, picking up the neatly folded pile of clothes. Sending the boy a mental thank you before closing the door quietly.
It's clear that these clothes belong to Seojun, draping off her body, too large for her frame, a black T-shirt with a microphone on the center and sweatpants that cover her feet as well, he'd even remembered to bring her socks. Instantly she feels her body warming as her body temperature returns to normal. 
Folding her wet clothes and splashing water on her face then using the towel to rub it dry, she exits the bathroom walking towards the light she sees assuming that's the kitchen.
"The water's almost done boiling. Sit down."
His deep voice greets her as she follows his orders and takes a seat.
"Are these your clothes?"
"What? Oh yeah they're mine, sorry my sister locked her door. They're very old though, I haven't worn them in years I thought they would fit you better." He eyes her as he says the last sentence, "I guess it didn't make much of a difference I'm just too tall and manly for my own good."
She scoffs at his narcissistic comment rolling her eyes "Tall and manly my foot. You're so skinny I could probably pick you up with one arm."
He immediately turns at her comment, affronted look on his face, "Shut up! It's hard for me to put on weight, I'm not that skinny."
He places his hands on his hips, looking down at himself before puffing his chest out to make himself appear broader, it's so ridiculous that she can't control her reaction.
Sudden uncontrollable laughter.
She laughs breathlessly, folding onto her lap trying to contain her giggles but his scandalized look makes her laugh harder and she has to stuff her face in her elbow to prevent herself from waking his family.
After a few minutes of random spasms of laughter she finally peers back up at him.
He looks just like he did outside when she'd smiled after successively getting off his motorcycle.
"What? What are you looking at?"
"Nothing. I just never see you smile at school."
"Well you never do anything worth smiling about." She quips back, wondering if she'd gone too far but he doesn't reply beyond a slight smile that's gone too fast to even be titled that, he places her steaming cup of tea before her sipping at his own after blowing on it.
They drink in comfortable silence.
She's the first to rapture the silence, "I don't need pity."
"I don't pity yo--"
"But thank you. Thank you for stopping. Thank you for this, thank you."
He stares wordlessly before nodding, a slight blush on his cheeks before he hides his face in the cup of tea. She doesn't bring attention to it.
"You can sleep in my room. It's the door next to the bathroom."
Humming she looks up, fatigue hitting her like a brick at the mention of sleeping.
"Where will you sleep?"
"I have a perfectly good couch, don't argue you're sleeping in my room. That's final. It's better that my mother doesn't see a strange woman on the couch when she wakes up."
Well, she can't argue with that logic.
"Okay." Drinking the last of the soothing beverage, she stands up walking over to place the cup in the sink.
"Good night." She starts to walk back in the direction of the bathroom, seeing another door next to it. Seojun's room. Twisting the doorknob she pushes it open, before she hears his voice from behind her.
"If you need anything I'm right outside."
Blinking her tears away, she nods without looking back, too vulnerable with his palpable concern.
When she lays her head down on his pillow, his scent fills her senses and she falls into a deep restless slumber feeling safer than she has in long time.
Tomorrow will be horrible.
But tonight, she will allow herself to breath easy knowing that someone is on her side.
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𝕄𝕖𝕞𝕠𝕣𝕚𝕖𝕤
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Childish! Jungkook x BadGirl! Y/n
A/n: sorry if I make any mistakes I tried my best :3
Written: 2021 11 June Published: 2021 22 July
~"Y/n! My mom said we can go to the park!" Younger Jungkook shouted. He came running over to while you were looking at this weird teddy bear. "Y/n?" Jungkook said. "Oh, Sorry I was just looking at this weird teddy bear" You answered while pointing at the light pink teddy bear. "Hmm.. It looks like.." Jungkook said. He was still thinking about what the teddy bear reminded him of. " Jungkook-ah! Mom said we need to go." Jin (Jungkook's older brother) shouted. Jungkook stopped looking at the teddy bear and gave you a necklace. " I wanted to give you this to remind you of our friendship!". He explained. Before you could respond Jungkook waved goodbye and went inside his house.~
"Heh..you still didnt come back..." you mumbled. Remebering that memory was painful especially since Jungkook never came back. " Class! We have a new student" Mr.Lee said. "Hi...Im Jungkook and I hope to be friends with you!" He said. You almost chocked on the piece of gum you were chewing. "Jungkook? Here? No way!" You thought."Right.. you can sit next to...Y/n!" Mr lee said while pointing to you. You scoffed in reply. As soon as he sat down next to you he asked " Y/n? Y/n Y/L/N?" You ignored him. You tried your hardest to ignore him but a sound escaped your mouth " Hmp!" You angrily said.
After class finished your best friends Taehyung and Jimin came straight after you asking you questions like " Is that the Jungkook you were talking about? Does he still want to be your friend?" You simply answered with a shrug. You didnt know how to feel about meeting Jungkook , You dont even know if hes your friend. Jungkook went up to you. " Y/nnie~ Why are yo-" "Shut up! Just leave me alone!" I shouted. Then I left to go to my next class. Taehyung ran after me.
| 𝕁ungkooks ℙ.𝕆.𝕍|
Why is she being so stubborn! I just want to be friends with her again just like the old times...
~"Jungkookie I bet you can't catch me!" Y/n shouted. She was running into the forest but Jungkook catched her and tickled her. " J-Jungkookie! Stop tiggling me! Hehe" Y/n said while trying to hold back her laughter.~
I had to go to my next class. " Jungkook~ I'm sure she'll come back to you! Why is she so special anyway?" Jimin asked. "I'll tell you after class" I answered. The teacher was talking really loudly but I couldn't really care I was mostly focusing on Y/n and her beautiful smile, Her soft skin and her Hazel brown eyes.
|~𝕐/𝚗𝚜 𝙿.𝙾.𝚅~|
"Right! Your partners are.....Taehyung and Jimin! Ari and Yuri! Y/n and Jungkook!" Mr.Kim shouted. "But-!"I was going to say something but Mr.kim cut me off. "No buts!" He told me. I looked over at Jungkook as he showed his bunny smile at me. He only smiled at 𝗆𝖾 it was weird but I guess hes desperate to be friends again.
"Y/n we'll do the project at my house!" He exclaimed. I just nodded my head in reply. We started working on our project when my phone rang. "I have to take this call I'll be right back!" I told him. I ran out of his house and sat down on his porch. I answered the call and was about to speak but I was interrupted by Taehyung. "Y/n~ Did you and jungkook get along?" Taehyung annoyingly said. "Tae why did you call me?" I asked ignoring his question. "Um.....Good question, I actually don't know..But me and Jimin were drunk last night!" He exclaimed. "Seriously Tae?....Bye!" I said as I ended the call. I went back inside to see Jungkook had finished half of our project. "I ....I wanted to finish quick so, you can do the other half!" He told me with a bunny smile on his face. I sighed in reply and started finishing the other half of the project.
2 Hours later
I finally finished and it was 9 am already! I looked over at Jungkook who was sleeping and just left without a sign. I ran over to Jimins house and used the spare keys to open the door. Only to find Jimin on the floor sleeping and Taehyung sitting down in a corner. "Right! How drunk did you guys get?" I asked curiously. "Well we nearly drank 3 bottles of bear, before Jimin passed out of course" Taehyung explained. I went over to Jimin and hit him with a pillow. "Ow! What was that for!" He shouted. "I knew you were fake sleeping!" I said.
|𝕁ungkooks 𝑃.𝑂.𝑉|
I woke up from my slumber to find that Y/n was gone without a trace. I picked up my phone and called her but she declined them. I looked at the clock on the wall and it was 9 am! That she stayed overnight...but where did she sleep? Wait am I forgetting something....SCHOOL!
|Y/ns P.O.V|
"C'mon we have to go to school!" I shouted as I pulled Taehyung and Jimin into the bus and sat them down. While the bus was driving us to school I opened my phone and I had 5 missed messages from Joonie and 16 missed calls from Michael Jacksons twin(The nickname for Jungkook).
📱 Joonie: Y/n! Yoongi said you leaked his phone number online!
📱 Y/n: Bruh..He doesn't know how to take a joke smh
The bus doors opened so, I had to go. Me Jimin and Tae came into the entrance of our school and there was Carly, Carly and her crew bullys us alot. "Well well, it seems like Y/n has an eye for the new student!" Carly shouted gaining everyone's attention. "Dont you know that Jungkook is mine? Well even if he wasn't with me he wouldn't like you!" She exclaimed while telling everyone to laugh. I had enough of this so I walked pass her but, she grabbed my hair. "Why are you running away? Are you a pussy? Hmm" She said while pulling my hair harder. I grabbed her leg and punched her face. "Nope it seems like your just a dumbass!" I shouted. Namjoon came from behind her and stopped the fight "Girls you both need to sto-" Namjoon was about to tell us to stop but I kicked Carly in her face and she went flying. "Jungkook is not yours and never will be! So stop pretending!" I screamed at her. Jungkook came in and heard me. " Y/n...Let's go" Taehyung said. Then we left like but I showed Carly my middle finger.
In the Principals office
"Y/n......This is the second time you've been here in my office, Do you have anything to say for yourself?" Mr.Jung asked. I shook my head and looked down at the floor. "If it carries on you'll have to be suspended!" He said. "Now get out of my office please" I walked out of his office and someone grabbed my wrist and pulled me in the janitors room.
"Y/n! it's me Jin remember?" He said. I nodded my head in reply. "Jungkook missed you but, you keep on ignoring him...Why?" Jin asked. "You know why! He broke his promise actually 2 of them!, He said he would protect me but when me and Carly fought he did nothing and he said he would never leave me!" I shouted. Tears formed an ocean under my eyes drowing my face. He wiped my tears as I saw pity in his eyes. "He didn't want to leave you! He was forced to leave!" Jin replied with shocking news. I hugged Jin for comfort and he hugged me back. "I'll try to be friends with him again! I promise you" I exclaimed with a determined expression.
Outside of School
I ran up to Jungkook and walked with him. "Why are you walking with me?" Jungkook asked. "I....I want to be friends again just like when we were little! I understand if you don't wa-" He cut me off by hugging me, I was about to hug him back but he picked me up!
|Jungkook's P.O.V|
I didn't want her to finish her sentence so I hugged her and put her over my shoulder. "Jungkook....DA FUQ ARE YOU DOING!!" She shouted. "Just playing with my short friend" I told her while laughing. Jimin, Taehyung and Hobi were taking pictures of us and posting it on social media, well except from Taehyung he doesn't want to die from Y/n.
I ran all the way to her house and greeted her mom "Hi Auntie!" I said as I ran up to Y/n's room and threw her on her bed. "Are we friends again?" She asked. "Yes" I said. "Even though I wanna be more than friends..." I whispered but somehow she heard me. We both sat up and she kissed me. It was passionate and soft I only dreamed about this moment never thinking it would come true. I kissed her back. It was like we were in an unstoppable dream. We broke the kiss for air. "Maybe we can be more..." She said.
The End~
A/n: The end is kinda cringy 😬, but you can imagine what happens next hehehehe!
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amiandthechaos · 4 years
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fire has no shadow, but you have me
Leo is not hiding this personal moment with a mask of light-hearted comments or jokes. So Nico won't shy away from it, either.
"I'm glad you want to come back." He summons courage harder than it takes him to summon an army of skeletons, and he leans his head on Leo's shoulder.
They remain like that for a while, Leo's hand covering his and Nico's head resting on Leo, and Nico had never felt so safe outside of camp and he wonders if it can last.
It starts with a blinding flash of light. And at this point, Nico has seen enough of those to know that it can't be anything good.
And he couldn't be less prepared for it. He was just lying on the grass under the sun, getting more vitamin D on doctor's orders.
And of course, his doctor is right there next to him. Will insists Nico needs more sun, and Nico begrudgingly agrees because at least his skin color is returning to normal and he sleeps better at night. Not well, but better.
He feels warm and drowsy while Will's voice fills the silence by talking about music and bands. Nico hasn't really had time to listen to music in the last… decade. But he appreciates Will's suggestions, however disconcerting they may be.
And then he feels it. The sun's getting hotter, which doesn't make sense since it was supposed to be going down soon, and when he opens his eyes, it's there.
His senses heighten, every nerve suddenly into overdrive, and Will is already on his feet, hauling him up and dragging him away.
But it's too late, Nico thinks. It's coming way too fast.
He still runs, but not for long before the crash is heard. It's not as big as he imagined. It's not Armageddon, it's not the end of the world, but it is something.
Nico spins around, making Will stumble, but he's glad he did because he immediately recognizes something that makes his heart thud painfully.
A bronze wing.
He breaks free from Will's grip and runs back towards the mess of fire that's still burning in a big pile. Will yells out his name but then he and some others are right behind him, slow realization dawning on all the campers.
Even among the flames and smoke, Nico can see the broken-down body of Festus the dragon.
"Where's Leo?" Will asks and Nico was thinking the same thing but with each passing second his heart sinks more and more. Leo's fireproof, his mind supplies, and still the fear that he might have burnt to a crisp seems far more real.
Nico looks around wildly. "Can't anyone summon water?! Where's fucking Percy Jackson when you need him?!"
Everyone seems to click into motion, moving around to help. Nico focuses back on the fire. Perhaps he can make a hole on the earth below and pull Leo out?
He tries to feel the presence and a more sinister thought enters his mind. Maybe he was never alive. Maybe Festus just brought Leo's body here.
The fire is receding a bit, but it's still hard to see beyond the flames and reflective bronze. A moment later, three different people shout to make room. From the right, Chris Rodríguez and a bunch of dryads are bringing in buckets of water from the lake. From the left, Leo's siblings from the Hephaestus cabin are running with Harley at the front, all dressed up in a full metal welding suit that the others are still trying to attach to him.
And then, from very far away there's Paolo Montes waving a hose.
Harley gets there first, and he would have thrown himself on the fire if Nyssa Barrera hadn't stopped him.
"Wait! The suit is not sealed yet!"
And then it came. Nico gasps and almost stumbles backwards with the force of it and everyone looks at him, alarmed.
But Nico's eyes are fixed on the blazing heat.
The metal rumbles and pieces fall to the floor, and from the very center of Festus' belly, Leo Valdez's head pops up, his hair wild and moving along with the flames.
He looks around at the dozens of shocked faces and finally settles for a toothy grin.
"Hello. Bit hot today, no?"
This time Will had to stop Nico from jumping into the fire and slapping Leo in the face.
.
Nico had been spending some of his time hanging out in the infirmary since Will was there a lot, teaching healing practices to other campers because, in his words 'With the number of dangerous situations demigods get into, the Apollo cabin can't be the only ones who know basic first aid.'
And now he was there a lot because he was in charge of organising the queue to punch Leo and Leo was there getting patched up.
He had never been very close to Leo. At least not the way he was close to Hazel or even Percy at some point. But over their time aboard the Argo II, they had at least shared some kind of kinship a few times, especially when Nico realized how much of a seventh wheel Leo had been feeling, and how similar that was to how Nico himself felt in that ship. An eight wheel, to be precise.
And by Gods, did Nico want to hate him. He was insufferably obnoxious, always cracking stupid jokes, and with no shame whatsoever. Nico's worst nightmare.
Until Nico saw through all that for what it really was; Leo's way of keeping people at bay. Diametrically opposed to Nico's way, but a way nonetheless.
Plus, a few times Nico had walked in on Leo sleeping curled up next to the engine and it was hard to hate him after that.
"What happened to Calypso?" Nico asks one morning after the first shift of punchers. Leo had just finished explaining everything he went through, the physician's cure, the trip to Ogygia, rescuing the forgotten sorceress.
His face reddens somewhat. "I dropped her off inland in Europe. I think it was Croatia. She um… She wanted to see the world."
Nico doesn't want to push it if Leo's reluctant to discuss it but he had imagined that after all of that he and Calypso would be together.
Leo shrugs and then winces as his left shoulder is still injured from the fall. His skin was thankfully all untouched thanks to his abilities but his clothes all turned to ashes. That was the most awkward part of the rescue. "I get it. She was tied to that island for thousands of years, I can't blame her for wanting to be free and not tied to something or someone else now." He sounds sad, but also braver than Nico had ever seen him. "I promised to rescue her and I'm glad I did."
Nico nodded. He raised his hand, planning to pat Leo's shoulder but regretting it at the last second and landing awkwardly on the pillow next to him. "That's the demigod life."
Leo smiles one of his huge smiles and nudges Nico's hand with his shoulder. "That, and catapulting annoying augurs up in the sky. Tell me again how you launched Octavian up to meet me."
Nico rolls his eyes. "I didn't launch him."
.
Since communication was still down on all fronts, Leo couldn't let anyone at Camp Jupiter know that he hadn't actually died, so he decided to just make the journey.
Him and a few other campers sat at a table trying to figure out the best method to get him there.
"Festus would take at least a month to rebuild again," Leo sighs, genuinely depressed about the topic. "I can't let the others wait that long for Admiral Valdez's resurrection."
Everyone groans. Leo had been bragging for days about how he was basically the modern version of Jesus of Nazareth.
"What about a jetpack? My design is nearly ready!" Harley exclaims excitedly.
Leo ruffles Harley's hair. "Oh Harley, I'd rather let Zeus zoom me halfway across the globe again. I saw your designs and I think fuel tanks like those would send me on my way to an explosion even I couldn't survive."
"You could take a bus?" Kayla says. "Cheaper than an airplane."
"I will take you."
It almost takes Nico a second to realize the words came out of his mouth, especially when they all look at him like that.
"Nico, are you sure that's a good idea?" Will asks, his golden eyebrows furrowed in concern.
"I shadow-travelled from Europe with a ten-foot statue and two others. I think I can handle Leo from here to California."
"I feel like that was a jab at my stature," Leo says into the silence.
Nico smirks.
.
The Hephaestus cabin organized a congratulations-for-not-being-dead/going-away campfire for Leo. Nico usually didn't attend campfires, but Will had dragged him to a couple and this one seemed to be more up his alley, with less corny songs and more people making fun of Leo.
Plus, Pollux had appeared with a few bottles of homemade wine and the results were entertaining.
Will was, no surprise, a very touchy drunk, which made Nico uncomfortable but not as much as he would have thought. He lets Will rest his head on his shoulder when he says that the world is spinning.
Leo chugs more wine and tells another joke and people laugh harder even though it makes no sense, and that's when Sherman Yang decides they've all had too much.
"Okay, let's pack it up, people. Leo has a long day tomorrow and we all have target practice."
Some groan, a few giggle, most don't react and just let themselves be dragged away after patting Leo on the back and wishing him luck.
No one tells Leo to leave, perhaps because after helping defeat Gaia, coming back from the dead, rescuing an unrescuable ancient sorceress and then surviving yet another explosion, no one felt like they had much authority over him.
Will, held by Kayla on one side, turns around to look at Nico. "Are you coming?"
Nico looks over at Leo, who chooses that moment to fall backwards from his log. "I think I'll stay and make sure he doesn't die."
Will smiles crookedly. "Aw, you're taking care of someone. I've taught you well."
"Shut up."
Leo manages to sit up and realizes he and Nico are alone, the fire slowly dying between them. "Are you cold? I can make more fire."
He opens his palms towards the flames but Nico rushes over and stops him. "No no. Don't drink and summon fire. Didn't you see the safety video on your first day here? Dionysus had a whole section about wine safety."
Leo snorts a laugh. "No. When I arrived everything was very rushed. I never met Mr. D"
Nico nods. Leo must have heard that name from Percy. Nico wonders if Percy got the letter they sent telling him that Leo was alive. It was Will's idea to use regular mortal mail, but even being in the same estate as Percy wouldn't guarantee that he'll receive the letter. Strange things happened to demigods' correspondence in the postal service.
"You know, this is the first time I drink wine." Leo waves his plastic cup, stained burgundy.
"Really?" Nico asks. "Not even sips as a kid?"
Leo shakes his head and his curls move with it. "Mexican moms don't really believe in that."
Nico had been drinking wine since he was very young. "I always used to have dinner with my family."
"Maybe that's why you're not drunk."
"Or maybe because I'm not eighty pounds and had ten glasses"
"Hey!" Leo protests and then he is silent as he sizes Nico up with a look that makes Nico wish he could blend in with the shadows. "How are you already taller than me? It's not fair."
That makes Nico smile. "Get used to it, Valdez."
They stay in silence for a while longer, which must be a record coming from Leo. He pulls out a small device from his pocket and starts to tinker with it, not even looking at it. He seems thoughtful, as though he's trying to figure out a different device than the one in his hands.
"I heard something from Drew yesterday," Leo says, a little too quiet to be the start of a joke. Nico's heart starts racing. He knew people would talk, and he knew Leo and all his friends would find out eventually, but he never thought Leo would want to talk to him about it.
He presents Nico with his closed fist as if he wanted Nico to bump it and Nico can only frown.
"This is for telling Percy he isn't your type. What a boss move."
It takes a second, but Nico throws his head back and laughs. The first time he's properly laughed in a long time, but it just takes him completely by surprise that this is what Leo has to say on the subject.
He bumps Leo's fist as his laughter dies down and he shakes his head in disbelief.
Leo can't seem to stop smiling, but in this drunk, lazy way that makes him seem a bit more down to earth.
This isn't a mask, Nico thinks.
Leo sways and his shoulder grazes Nico's. "If it makes you feel any better, I get it. Like, who hasn't thought Percy's hot? Like, objectively, you know? They're tall and conventionally attractive and stupidly heroic-"
"They?" Nico asks, not really wanting to interrupt Leo's tirade but confused by his wording.
"Percy and Jason. Everyone has crushes on them, right? And you kind of want to hate them because like, shit man, you look like that and you fly, and you're ridiculously friendly and like noble and stuff? Just stop it. You know? But you can't hate them because they're really nice to you and they don't deserve it. But it's nothing to be ashamed of, you know?"
Nico blinks a few times, Leo's confession of basically having a crush on Jason in particular, hitting him like an electrical shock that left him short-circuited. If Leo was sober he probably wouldn't have said anything, so Nico wonders if he should feel bad for letting Leo say something so personal in this state of vulnerability.
But he doesn't. Because it's the first time someone tells him they understand him and actually give reasons and examples why, not just an empty attempt at empathy. He hopes Leo doesn't regret telling him this.
"They are so stupidly noble. I hate that," Nico says.
Leo stands up on wobbly legs. "Oh look at me I'm the son of a famous, powerful God and I can control the elements and I have light-colored eyes and a dreamy smile. Who am I?"
Nico has to laugh again because Leo is pulling a full-on performance pretending to fly like Jason or raise the sea like Percy and it makes Nico feel lighter than he has in probably years. He can laugh about it now. He can let it go.
Leo stumbles around the fire and even though he'd be fine if he falls in, it still doesn't seem right to let him, so Nico grabs his arm and pulls him away from the danger zone as they both keep laughing.
They sit back down and their knees knock together and Nico doesn't mind.
"Some of that could also describe you," Leo says breathlessly. "Son of a major God. Powerful."
Nico nudges Leo with his arm in acknowledgement. "And you. You can control the elements." He nods towards the fire.
Leo seems relaxed in a way he hadn't seemed to be since he came back.
They remain like that for a while longer, watching the flames get smaller and sitting in comfortable silence. Nico's favorite kind of silence.
"We should probably get some sleep." Nico hates to be the one to say it, but shadow-travelling really is easier when he's rested.
Damn Will. He got inside Nico's head.
Leo lets Nico help him up and then Nico does something that he only does when someone is injured in battle; he wraps one arm around Leo's waist and helps him walk. Leo throws his arm over Nico's shoulders.
As they walk away from the campfire, Leo sighs happily. "Have you ever noticed that fire doesn't have a shadow?"
.
Nico was right when he thought that travelling with Leo would be less tiring than the last shadow trip he had done.
That didn't mean it was easier.
"Y'all should've told me we'd be coming here." Leo digs into his plate of ribs, sauce all over his face. "I'd've made some reservations."
Nico sends him a death glare. He's good at those.
Leo had decided to adopt a heavy southern accent ever since they landed in Oklahoma instead of Kansas like Nico had been planning. Nico's ears were going to bleed from over-stimulation.
The food was good, though.
Leo inhales deeply and sighs contentedly. "We're so close to Texas, I can feel it."
"We're always close to Texas. That state is inescapable. I think its gravity drew us off course."
Leo pulls out two wet hand towels from his magic pouch- as Nico has started to call it much to Leo's annoyance- and then he warms them up by heating his hands. He has a much more sophisticated control on his fire abilities than Nico remembered.
Leo hands one to Nico while he himself wipes basically his entire face and arms. "Well, we're here now so let's find a spot to sleep tonight. I hope you like camping, Neeks!"
Nico frowns. "You should know I don't. Also, stop it with the Neeks."
Leo smiles. "You have barbecue on your nose."
Nico groans and wipes it off.
.
They end up finding a not-so-terrible spot to spend the night, but the heat in this Hades-forsaken place was so insufferable that they decided not to use sleeping bags and instead hang hammocks, of which Leo procured two from his magic pouch.
"Why in the world do you have hammocks on hand?" Nico asks as he unsuccessfully attempts to tie his to a tree.
"Hammocks are an incredible feat of engineering. You need fabric and weaving that are strong enough to hold you but not so tough that it's hard to sleep. It minimises your travelling load while maximising sleeping space, and it works on all surfaces because it precisely keeps you away from surfaces." Leo comes over and ties Nico's hammock for him. "It also keeps you away from snakes."
Nico blinks at him. "You have a lot of feelings about hammocks."
"They are perfect and need to be more appreciated."
"I've never actually slept in one."
Leo's eyes seem to light up with fire. "Oh I can't believe you're a hammock virgin!"
"Please don't call it that."
"This is going to be great. Shed all your preconceived notions right now and prepare for the best sleeping experience of your life."
Nico would hardly call swinging in the air the best sleeping experience of his life, but considering the things he's been through, it also could be far, far worse.
Leo is too delighted with the swinging and even pushes off against the tree with his foot to go even faster, his hands busy with a mechanical box he's been tinkering with since West Virginia. The movement is making Nico slightly dizzy so he lies as still as possible until the soft swaying actually feels nice, and it seems to be lulling him to sleep faster than anticipated.
He's almost gone when Leo speaks into the silence.
"Nico?"
"Mm?" He opens his eyes and turns to see Leo still swinging madly, almost nervously, under the orange light of the lantern he hung on a branch above. Thank the Gods they're on different trees or the movement would rock Nico's hammock as well. He also decided to remove his t-shirt, which is fine by Nico because then all the mosquitoes would get Leo instead of him.
"You're fifteen, right?" Leo asks.
"Last I checked."
Another pause. "How did you, um… how did you know?"
It takes Nico's sleepy brain a bit to process the question but it still doesn't make much sense. "How did I know what?"
Leo keeps his eyes on his box. "You know… how did you know you… liked boys?"
Suddenly Nico is as alert as the day Leo came crashing down above them.
Usually, Nico would say something snarky and then refuse to discuss the matter entirely, possibly adding about a day's worth of brooding and death glares.
But this question seemed to be a lot less about prying into Nico's business and a lot more about something else.
Nico looked away from Leo nonetheless and kept his eyes on the dark canopy above. "It's kind of hard to ignore when you, you know… when you like someone and that someone is, well, a boy."
Leo's swinging sounds less intense. "Sure. I suppose when it's the only kind of attraction that happens to you, you can't really miss it, can you?"
"Nope," Nico confirms. He could see where Leo's mind was at. "But I guess that if someone was attracted to a lot of different people… it'd be harder to recognize."
"I guess so."
Nico thinks of all the things he wished someone had said to him when he was driving himself mad with questions and confusion, and out of everything, the thing that would have meant the most was very simple.
"And it'd be okay. It'd be more than okay, actually, it'd be great."
Nico can't see it, but he can hear the soft exhale that Leo does when he smiles. The rustling and thudding of his magic pouch follow and then the light is turned off.
"Thank you, Neeks."
"I'm going to murder you."
.
This was the first time in Nico's life that he has managed to leave a camp for more than five minutes without encountering a single being that wanted to kill him. He had been prepared for attacks from the get-go, especially since Leo literally couldn't go two breaths without doing something demigod-like such as warming up their chilaquiles with his bare hands or making weird artefacts appear as if out of thin air.
But this had been the most peaceful trip of his life and it almost felt akin to a vacation. Camping, taking dips in rivers and lakes, eating something different every day (Leo even agreed to go to McDonald's once) and keeping the worrying to a minimum.
It was even nice to be around Leo most of the time. Ever since the other night, he seemed to be making fewer jokes and nervous tinkering than usual. He still did it, because it's part of him, but he seemed more relaxed about it. It wasn't a necessity but a choice.
"What are you going to do once we arrive?" Nico asks one afternoon as they sit on top of a hill and take in the view. They're most likely just a jump away from getting to their destination, and in all honesty, Nico's rested enough that he could manage it that same day.
But he decided to drag this out a bit longer. They stopped just outside of San Francisco at some unknown mountains with enough trees to make it the perfect spot to tie hammocks and, damn it, Nico loves them by now, and he just wants another opportunity to use them while he's still with company. His return trip will be a lot lonelier.
Leo shrugs. "I don't know what Pipes and Jason might be up to. Jason had his plan to make shrines for all the Gods, so I might help him with that. But honestly, I wish they'd come back to Camp Half-Blood."
Nico raises his eyebrows. "Really?"
"Sure. It's the camp me and Piper were meant to be in, all my siblings are there, plus there's the bunker and Festus… I don't want to give it all up."
Nico feels a spark of hope in his chest. Perhaps he won't have to return alone. It's still bittersweet, though, because once Leo rejoins Piper and Jason, things will be different. Piper and Jason are very nice and all, and Nico gets along very well with Jason in particular, but he has a feeling Leo won't be the same with them around.
"And you're there, also," Leo adds.
Nico feels some heat rise to his cheeks and he tries to push it down.
Thankfully, Leo doesn't press it. "What about you? How do you decide which Camp to be in? You were in Camp Jupiter for a while, you have Hazel there, but you're originally Half-Blood and you have Will over there…"
"Will?" Nico asks, surprised that Leo would put him on the same level of importance to Nico as Hazel.
"Well, yes. I assumed you two-"
"Oh, no." Nico must be properly blushing now. "I mean, I don't know. But we're not. He's very nice and I'm glad to have a close friend there but…"
"Well okay, so you'll have two close friends there, then." Leo puts his hand over Nico's and it's the first time they're so purposefully touching like that.
Leo is not hiding this personal moment with a mask of light-hearted comments or jokes. So Nico won't shy away from it, either.
"I'm glad you want to come back." He summons courage harder than it takes him to summon an army of skeletons, and he leans his head on Leo's shoulder.
They remain like that for a while, Leo's hand covering his and Nico's head resting on Leo, and Nico had never felt so safe outside of camp and he wonders if it can last.
.
It turns out it can last. They manage to make it to Camp Jupiter without a single unpleasant encounter. And just when Nico thought they may break Percy's rule about feeling safe, they cross the gates and they are actually safe. Hazel sees them first. She's in full uniform and looking tiny but powerful as always, and her eyes go wide and shiny like dark gemstones.
She drops everything, her spatha, shield, and a book she'd been carrying and she sprints at them. She crushes Leo in a hug and starts weeping immediately.
"You! How? I was- Jason and Piper- ugh!" Each word is punctuated by a sob and a slap on Leo's chest.
Then there's Frank, who is so surprised that he turns into a ferret by mistake but then seizes the opportunity to climb onto Leo's head and claw at his hair with tiny, shrill yelps.
"I missed you too, buddy," Leo says, only grimacing slightly.
When he's back in human form, the bear hug is so engulfing that Leo almost disappears from sight.
Apparently, Piper and Jason are around somewhere but Hazel and Frank are too busy with their new duties that they can't keep track of them. Hazel summons Arion and writes a note, tying it around his neck.
"If you find Piper or Jason, get them here as soon as possible."
And off he goes.
Hazel spends a while telling Leo how much they looked for him the days after the battle back in Camp-Half Blood, which Nico had already done, but not in so much detail. Especially about the extent to which Jason and Piper in particular had driven themselves mad trying to find him, to the point where after weeks of futile search, Percy and Annabeth had to drag them back to camp and eventually convince them to come to California and get their minds off it.
Of course Nico wanted Leo to know they didn't give up on him, that he was missed, but he didn't want him to feel as guilty as he looks right now.
Other people also greeted them, including Reyna who Nico was glad to see. She was looking healthier than before.
Just as they were about to go to the Fifth Cohort to see if anyone knew about Jason or Piper, a loud zoom fills Nico's ears and a blurry second later, Leo is on the ground, tackled by Piper.
Arion neighs and stomps his front legs down before taking off again.
It takes about two minutes of Piper holding onto Leo and crying "I hate you!" before they can stand up. Leo's eyes and face are red too and he can't stop sniffling.
"Explain. Now," Piper orders him, wiping tears off her face.
"I thought we'd wait for Jason," Leo tells her.
Piper sighs. "He's been so moody lately I can't even tell you when he'd be coming back. He's been hard to read."
"Jason? Moody? Are you sure you're not talking about yourself?"
Piper hits Leo.
And then, it happens again. This time is a whooshing sound that gets progressively louder and Nico barely has time to catch a glance of Jason flying at them at full speed before Leo is lifted off his feet and carried away.
Nico typically refrains from showing any emotion other than annoyance in front of others, but even he can't keep a straight face upon seeing Jason and Leo embracing up in the air, clearly crying and laughing at the same time as Jason slowly lowers them to the ground.
Everyone is at least tearing up by the time they make their way towards them, but Nico is okay with it. He's happy for Leo and he doesn't care who sees. Hazel grabs Nico's hand and he squeezes it.
"So," Leo says with a rough voice. "Ready to hear the Tales of Tio Leo?"
.
Nico hadn't realized how much he missed this camp, especially Hazel. He wishes he could be with her year-round or at least visit more often. There should be a faster way to get from one camp to the other.
Eventually, though, the time to return was drawing nearer and it was hard to acknowledge it. Nico still didn't know if Leo was coming back or not and he didn't want to ruin his reunion. He was still so happy to be around Piper and Jason.
Nico sits outside at a table after dinner. They all managed to squeeze in a dinner together before their respective duties took them in different directions. Of course, the only ones who didn't have anything to attend to were Nico and Leo, so it isn't a surprise when Leo returns to the table after saying goodbye to the others.
Leo plays with the candles there, lighting them on and then putting them out over and over. "I was wondering…" he begins and for some reason Nico's heart speeds up.
"Yeah?"
He lights the candles again. "Is Nico short for Nicholas? And if it is, can I call you Saint Nicholas?"
Nico kicks him under the table.
"Ow!"
"Is Leo short for Leonardo? And if so, can I call you Da Vinci?" Nico asks, trying to sound as stupid as Leo had.
"Definitely!" Leo answers, a big smile while still rubbing his leg. "Da Vinci works, though I think I look more like a Di Caprio."
"Who?"
"Nevermind."
Leo is still smiling even after a few seconds. "Da Vinci and Di Angelo. We should form a band."
"Over my dead body," Nico says, but he has to really bite back a smile.
Silence ensues and Nico thinks this would be the right moment to tell Leo that he plans to return the next day. He opens his mouth to speak but as it often happens with speaking, Leo beats him to it.
"So when do we leave, Hermano Hamaca?"
Nico is so confused by that last bit that he doesn't even process the first. "What?"
"Hammock Bro," Leo translates.
"Oh." Leo wants to go back with him? "I thought you'd want to stay with them a bit longer."
He shrugs. "Well, you're the shadow-travelling boss, but if it was up to me I could leave tomorrow. Piper and Jason are working on the shrines and they'll be at Camp Half-Blood soon. I can help from there. I'll miss Hazel and the big guy, but I'll see them again. Plus, it'd be nice to see Percy and Annabeth too, if they got the letter."
Nico nods. "Sure. We can leave tomorrow." He doesn't let it show how happy he is not to be travelling alone, but he still hopes Leo can see it a little bit.
"Hey," Leo puts out a candle with his right hand and lights up another with his left. "Thank you for bringing me here. I know it's a long road trip for something that could have been a phone call in normal circumstances. But even if I could have contacted them somehow, I think I needed to come. See them for myself. So, thank you."
Nico does smile then. "You're welcome. I know I would have liked to see you in person if you hadn't almost killed me on impact when you arrived."
"It's settled, then. We leave tomorrow. Maybe we can stop in Houston this time? I'll show you my mom's old repair garage and the best gorditas you'll ever have in your life."
"Sure," Nico agrees. It might take them a bit longer but it's not as if they have anything else to do. No prophecies to fulfill, no quests to carry out, no world-destruction to stop.
Leo puts his hand over Nico's again and this time Nico turns his hand over and laces their fingers together. Leo's hand is downright hot from playing with the candles so much, but Nico thinks it's nice.
As the candlelight dances in the wind along with Leo's hair, Nico realizes that even though he has always felt safest in the shadows, fire is not too bad either.
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xxisxxisxxis · 4 years
Text
Gateway Drug | Part Seventy-One
Sorry it's late, I ended up accidentally drugging myself when I got in from work last. I had a migraine and my mom gave me one her of Amitriptyline and I didn't realize it was going to knock me the fuck out for 12 fucking hours. I woke up earlier today and was so confused, work clothes still on, makeup still on, but my migraine went away so I guess it worked.
I told you guys a cut a part out (I'm saving it for another chapter) part of it was the preview for this chapter with the flashback of when Nikki came home after Viv and Duff were being nasty in his bed...anyway enjoy the chapter!
Words: 4k
Warning(s): explicit language, violence, mentions of drug abuse
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"What?" I ask Fred, taking a few deep breaths and he raises his brows. 
"They just got here today, Viv, there's no way in hell that kid's biting the hand that's feeding him, over you, without there being a damn good reason." He states and I sigh, only causing him to nod his head. "That's what I thought. Does Sixx know?"
My eyes widen as I glare at him as if he's crazy. 
"Is Nikki acting like he knows?" I sarcastically say and Fred crosses his arms. "No." I add, deciding now is not the time for sarcasm. "No, Nikki doesn't know...I mean, we haven't been seeing each other, really. We've only hooked up one time." I try to reason.
"When?"
"When we went on break in September for a few days." I explain, fumbling with my fingers. 
"What, you got a hotel room or something?" He presses and I apparently give away what happened because his eyes are going to the size of saucers and he's raising his eyebrows. 
"Fred," I start.
"You fucked another man in Sixx's house?" He asks me in shock that I had the audacity to do such a thing. 
"He slept with Vanity in our house, so why not?" 
"Yes, because the way to put a fire out is to start a completely different fire!" He raises his voice. 
"Shh!" I put my hand over his mouth. "If anyone finds out about this, I'm done with, and so is Guns N' Roses." I hiss at him. 
"Highly doubt Duff's waking up after a night of plowing you like a field, thinking about his career, or else he wouldn't be sleeping with you in the first place." Fred says back quietly. "And you, what the fuck are you doing? Are you insane? If you get caught you're done for." 
"I know." 
"Then why're you letting it happen?" 
"I don't know, alright? I just…" I let out a breath and think for a moment. 
"Do you like, love him or something?"
"No, of course not." I insist. "Well, I love him, but not like in love with him." 
"Do you love Nikki?" 
"It doesn't matter if I do or not. We're over with once the tour is done." 
"You've both completely annihilated your vows, Vivian, I think it's safe to say you two have been over." He replies and I don't answer, ignoring that realization. 
I continued to ignore that realization until Nikki served me divorce papers once he got out of the hospital after he overdosed.
I try to hold back a laugh as Donna politely rejects Steven for the umpteenth time since he met her, and he pouts at me as she walks away.
“Viv, I’m going crazy.” He tells me. “I’m losing the charm, I think.”
“Oh, c’mon, Stevie, you aren’t losing the charm. Donna’s just a hard nut to crack because she and Emi have been put on a ‘don’t sleep with the opening band’ order.” I suggest and he maintains his let down facial expression. “And Emi and Mick are already a thing and catch hell for it, so Donna’s more than likely not wanting to be in the same predicament.”
“This is so unfair.” He crosses his arms.
“Just hook up with groupies.” I shrug.
“I’m trying but they’re all leftovers from what Tommy, Vince and Nikk--” He abruptly stops speaking and I raise my brows.
“What was that?” I ask him.
“Nothing…” He mumbles.
“I already thought Nikki was hooking up with groupies, but thank you for confirming it.”
“Well,” He starts, glancing around to make sure the coast is clear before he’s pointing out, “you’re hooking up with someone else, too, so does it matter?”
He’s got a valid point and I raise my brows, deciding I can’t argue with that.
“No.” I say quietly. “I suppose it doesn’t.”
The guys are getting off stage soon enough, being brought back down from hyperventilation before starting in for tonight’s plans.
“Strip club.” Tommy and Vince say simultaneously.
“Stevie, you comin’ with?” Tommy offers  and Steven glances at me as if asking for permission although I honestly don’t care if he hangs out with them or not.
I’m just waiting for Duff to finish up his conversation with Axl and Izzy in their dressing room.
“Mick, you wanna come?” Tommy asks next, resulting in Mick glancing at Emi.
She shakes her head a little bit, barely noticeable. Barely.
Nikki lets out a shiteating laugh and I prepare for what’s about to happen.
“Nikki, lay off--”
“--Tommy, you shouldn’t have asked. You know Mick can’t take his mouth away from Emi’s teat long enough to make his own big boy decisions.” Vince and Tommy laugh at Nikki’s words, while Mick just lets out a heavy sigh and looks down at the ground not wanting to argue.
“Okay, Nikki, seriously, stop.” I state, glaring at him.
“Okay, Vivian, seriously, mind your own fucking business and stop being such a--”
“--Hey, everybody shut it.” Fred pops his head in, hearing an argument about to start. “Guns is riding back to the hotel with us, their ride has a flat.” He adds.
"Whoo!" Steven cheers, high-fiving Tommy.
I slip past Fred to see Axl and Duff waiting for us to get ready to go.
"Where's Slash?" I ask them, furrowing my brows a little. 
He's soon enough stumbling from the bathroom, wiping vomit from his mouth, causing me to wrinkle my nose as he mutters, "I'm right here." 
Slash was Nikki's trouble-buddy on the tour. They'd stay at the hotel bar until it closed nearly every night before hitting the town. Most of the time Tommy and Steven would tag along or split and go do something else of their own. 
Axl never really bonded with the guys as much as Izzy, Duff, Slash, and Stevie did, but everyone got along and considered each other good friends. 
Crazy how things would take a turn a couple years later.
We all wait patiently to file into the bus one by one and, of course, Vince and Tommy have girls with them while Nikki seems satisfied by just having a conversation with Slash and Izzy.
I catch myself looking for Tansy and Sparkie...until I remember they left to go score. 
All is well until Mick says something to Emi and she giggles like a school girl with a crush, and I can see Nikki's face getting red with anger as she's about to step ahead of Mick onto the bus. 
Nikki's plucking Slash's Jack bottle from his hand and pours the whiskey down Emi's jacket. 
She gasps, stopping in her tracks, horror on her face as she turns around to face him. 
"Nikki, what the hell is wrong with you?!" I demand. 
"Oops." Nikki slickly smirks, handing the now empty bottle back to Slash, who--like everyone else--is at a loss for words as Nikki cuts in line and gets on the bus before Emi can recover. 
I look at Duff, trying not to get overwhelmed with anger. 
He shrugs his jacket off, preparing to offer it to Emi so she doesn't have to wear her wet jacket. 
"Here, you can borrow mine." He tells her and she looks at him a second, tears in her eyes as Tommy, Vince, and their groupies walk around her to get inside. 
"Thanks." She mumbles, taking her wet jacket off and slipping on Duff's warm, dry one. 
"That wasn't cool." Steven mumbles about Nikki when we get on the bus, seeing him and Tommy laughing obnoxiously while Emi and Mick sit as far away as possible. 
I'm about to plop down beside Steven when I see Nikki whisper something to Tommy a couple seats ahead of us.
He smiles deviously at whatever Nikki just told him, before he's drinking a gulp of Jack and keeping it in his mouth, only to stand up, walk to the back seats, and spit it on Emi and Mick.
Nikki ruptures into sick laughter with Tommy, and I've had enough. 
I glance down at Steven's skull ring and take advantage of him not paying attention, to take it off of him, quickly. 
"Viv, what're you--"
I don't give him the time to finish his question before I've got the ring on, and I'm standing up as Tommy comes back by, punching him--his skin splitting where the heavy ring made contact.
I can tell he’s seeing red, I don’t help much when I sarcastically add, “oops.”
Everyone’s struggling to get as apart before he can slap me, Steven letting out a high-pitched scream when Tommy tries to bombard over him to get to me after Stevie pushes me on the other side of him.
Duff and Nikki get Tommy off of me and Steven, a trail of blood running down my friend’s cheek.
“Get her off my fucking bus!” Tommy demands at Fred once he comes back here to settle everyone off while Doc is behind the wheel.
“I wish someone would try to kick me off.” I threaten, knowing they wouldn’t get my ass off the bus without getting mauled first.
“Why the fuck can’t you take a fucking joke without being a fucking psychopath?!” Tommy asks me, yelling.
“You spitting a drink on them isn’t a fucking joke, just like Nikki pouring alcohol all over her isn’t a fucking joke!” I hiss back.
“If it bothered her, she would fucking speak up, Vivian, you’re not Jesus--stop trying to save everybody!” He sneers.
“She can’t speak up for herself because you assholes would try to fucking fire her!”
“And that’s none of your business if we did!”
“Both of you, shut the fuck up and calm do--”
“--I’m not calming down until you get that crazy bitch off this fucking bus.” Tommy interrupts Fred.
“Tommy, we’re not kicking her off the bus, now sit down!” Fred insists.
“You don’t have to kick me out, I’m gone.” I state, grabbing my purse, stepping over Steven’s legs to get in the aisle.
“Vivian, sit down!” Nikki orders me where he’s now standing, and I scoff in his face and shove past him.
“Vivian, please, don’t go anywhere.” Fred pleads, tired, and just wanting everyone to behave.
“I’d rather burn for an eternity than spend another minute on this bus with such sad, disgusting, strung out, drunk, bitter people!” I shout, walking to the door.
I hear several steps behind me, and I think it’s Nikki and Fred stomping after me, but I turn to see Axl, Izzy, Duff, and Steven following after me.
Slash is already passed out, oblivious to what’s been happening.
“K.” I say to Doc as he glances at me and sighs out. “Can you stop the bus and open this door?”
I thought we would get off that bus and walk to the hotel in peace, but turns out I left one fight and got into another one.
“You didn’t have to follow me, Axl, alright? I didn’t ask you to so there was no reason for you to come out here with me!” I tell him after he makes a comment about me getting them in trouble, possibly.
“No, I didn’t have to, but you’re my friend and I didn’t want you to be out here by yourself, even though you wouldn’t have to be if you would have just taken a breath and let it go instead of starting a fight, as usual!”
“We’re in Alabama, Axl! It’s not like I’m gonna get kidnapped--nobody wants to fuck me down here because I’m not related to any of them!”
“Both of you are overreacting! Vivian, you shouldn’t have punched Tommy but I understand why you did! Axl, we’re not gonna get in trouble or kicked off the tour for making sure Nikki’s wife doesn’t get snatched up! Now, can we please go to the hotel so I can get ready and go out and get some chicks of my own because I’m tired of sloppy seconds!” Steven outbursts.
Me and Axl look at each other, knowing we’re arguing over something deeper than just him getting off the bus for me.
"Axl, this is not what it looks like, alright?” Duff camly says as we get covered up.
“Not what it looks like?! Do you think I’m fucking blind, Duff, what the fuck are you thinking?! Oh, wait, sorry, you’re not!” He explodes, his face bright red.
“Axl, can you please just let us explai--”
“--You shut up, Viv! I don’t wanna hear another damn thing from you because you just proved to me you could give a fuck about our band.” He points at me. “And what you--all of us--have busted our fucking balls for is about to be completely undone over some fucking pussy?! Are you fucking me right now?!” He says to Duff.
“It’s not just ‘some pussy’, Axl.” Duff states, getting defensive.
“I swear to fucking God, Duff, if you say ‘I love her’ I’m going to--”
“--I do love her.” Duff interrupts him, and Axl’s throwing one of his rings at the wall, causing it to hit a decorative painting, breaking the glass in the photo frame, causing me to jolt a little.
“Axl, c’mon, now it could be worse.” Izzy steps into the room, sitting down on the bed next to us, rubbing his forehead.
“Could be worse? These guys--her fucking husband, Nikki Sixx, yeah, you fucking remember him--are giving us a fucking shot on this tour. And the first fucking night in…” He trails off, at a loss for words, clenching his jaw and rubbing at his face.
“It wasn’t just tonight.” I start, waiting for Axl to look at me as Duff lets out a ragged breath, waiting for Axl to scream again. “It happened back in September, too.”
“You sound awfully proud of that, Viv, you really do. Cheating on Nikki--”
“--He cheated first, Axl. And then you all hid it from me.” I snap.
“I don’t care if you fucking cheat back, Vivian, but out of all the fucking people there is to get your revenge fuck in with, you choose somebody in our band--who’s friends with the band Nikki’s in. That’s what I don’t fucking like. But hey, if you wanna go down as the whore who wrecked Guns N’ Roses’ shot, then go ahead, but if we get kicked off this tour because of you, Nikki will be the least of your worries.”
“You don’t know what I’ve been through, Axl, you don’t know the living hell I’ve been enduring for three years of my relationship, you don’t know.”
“That’s not my fault when you could’ve left him then. But you stayed and now you’re putting our necks at risk just so you can get your fucking rocks off.”
“He and I are getting divorced anyway so what the hell does it matter?”
“It’s my fucking band!” He insists. “It’s our fucking career, our fucking music, our fucking dream, all on the line over you! And if Nikki finds out, he’s not gonna be going through the technicalities of ‘well, we’re getting divorced anyway so it doesn’t matter’, he’s just gonna think of his wife getting screwed by one of his friends whose band he’s given a chance! That’s why it fucking matters!”
“Hey, this isn’t her fault, man, alright?!” Duff jumps in. “If you wanna blame someone, blame me, it’s my fault anyway! I’m the one who told her how I felt about her when she was vulnerable and shit happened!”
“Fine.” Axl says, exhaling.
“Sorry for fighting.” I mumble.
We finally get back to the hotel in an hour, managing to dodge seeing any of the guys, Fred, or Doc when we get in.
Once Duff and I are back in his room, he’s getting out of my shower while I'm aimlessly flipping through TV channels, trying to find something to watch. 
"Hey, Viv?" I hear him call and I put the remote down and step to him, leaning against the bathroom door, nothing but a towel wrapped around his hips. 
"What's up?" I ask and he looks at me. 
"I forgot my hairbrush." He tells me and I smile a little before stepping to my suitcase to grab mine while he finishes drying off and pulls his boxer shorts on, stepping into the room. "Thanks." He says when I hand it to him and he roughly goes through the strands of his hair, making me cringe. 
"Don't be so mean to your hair, Duff, geez." I comment, taking the brush from him, sitting on the bed. "C'mere." I motion him over and he playfully rolls his eyes and sits in front of me while I stand on my knees at his back and gently brush through his bleached tresses. "You need to start using more conditioner." I tell him.
"That's what Stevie tells me when he sees me struggling with it." He informs me with a chuckle. 
When I'm done, I'm putting my brush back in my bag and getting into bed, under the covers. 
"I'm sorry if this is a let down but I'm too tired to finish what we started earlier." I admit to him as he gets into bed with me and shuts the light off. 
"Tell me about it." He replies, his hand gently playing with the red strands of my hair strewn across my pillow. "And it's not a let down. Just laying in the same bed as you is well over good enough." He assures me and I look at him, smiling. 
I scoot a little closer to him, my arm wrapping around his waist, my lips kissing at his for a brief second as his arm snakes around me. 
"Goodnight, Duff." I say quietly. 
"G'night, Viv." He tells me, and for the first time in months, I sleep through the night, completely. 
I sleep through the entire day, waking up to the feeling of lips kissing up my neck, Duff’s soft hair brushing against my skin and I hum.
“What time is it?” I ask him, stretching, smiling softly as he kisses at my cheek next.
“Five o’clock.” He replies, moving to get off of me, but I wrap my legs around his hips and stop him.
“What time do we have to leave here for the show?”
“It’s an off day, remember?” He reminds me and I raise a brow.
“Oh, it is. I forgot.” I admit.
“Well, you have been asleep the whole day, so.” He brushes some of my hair from my face.
“Wanna get some room service tonight?” I offer. 
"Me and the guys were gonna hangout tonight." He explains. "But Steven already said I needed to bring you." He adds. "So if you wanna come, you can."
"Okay." I nod, rubbing my lips together. "Have you seen Nikki today?"
"He and Tommy were by the pool with Tansy and Sparkie earlier." 
"Is Tommy's cheek okay?"
"It's bruised, but I don't think it'll scar where Steven's ring got him." 
"Ughh, I'm gonna have to apologize to him for that." I mumble, looking at the ceiling. "I just wish him and Nikki would just leave Emi and Mick alone. I mean, you can't help who you like, you know?" 
"Talk to Nikki and Tommy about it." Duff suggests. 
"They'll laugh in my face if I say, 'you can't help who you like'." I state. 
"...Yeah, maybe don't say anything." He agrees after thinking on it for a moment. 
"Yeah." I giggle, kissing his cheek. "Alright, you're free." I release my legs from his waist so he can get up. "I gotta shower and get ready and I'll meet you guys. Who's room do I need to go to?"
"Probably Stevie's." He tells me, getting up. 
"Okay, I'll see you in a few minutes." I reply, getting out of bed and heading to the bathroom. 
He stops me before I can close the bathroom door, about to kiss me. 
"Babe, my breath." I lean back to avoid embarrassment. 
"I don't care." He states, pressing his lips to mine chastely. "See you in a few." He says before walking out. 
Once I get a shower and get clothes on, skipping out on doing my hair and makeup because these guys saw me look like hell for weeks when Nikki and I took those couple months apart, before I head down to Steven's room. 
When I go to knock on the door, it's cracked open already, and I peek inside to see he and the guys are nowhere around. 
"Oh-kay." I mumble, stepping inside to see if there's any sign they'll be back, like room keys, or shoes, or jackets. 
Nothing. 
I turn on my heel and head to the door when something appealing catches my eye. 
A ziplock of brownies. 
My stomach growls, and I realize I haven't eaten since breakfast yesterday morning. 
"Just one won't hurt anything." I say to myself. 
Fifteen minutes and five brownies later, I'm not even hungry for actual dinner. 
I put the bag back where I got it and head downstairs to see Steven, Axl, Izzy, Duff, Slash, Nikki and Tommy at the bar. 
I don't give Tommy or Nikki a second glance before sitting next to Steven and Duff. 
"You drinking?" Izzy asks me, amused I'm sitting at the "big boy" table. 
"No." I reply. 
"You want food?" Duff asks me.
"Nah, I'm full on brownies." I explain and Slash and Steven suddenly stop dead in their tracks, mid-drink, before looking down the bar at each other, and then to me. 
"On what?" Slash asks me, cautiously. 
"She said, 'brownies'." Axl tells him. 
"Oh...from where?" Steven asks me and I furrow my brows. 
"Your room, why?" 
"Oh, okay...um, hey, I think I forgot my rubbers in my room." Steven gets off the barstool. "Slash, you wanna come with me?" 
"Nah, man, I'm--" Steven's pulling him off the stool by the back of his jacket, the two of them walking quickly to the elevator. 
Me and Duff exchange glances and follow after them, Duff's hand keeping the elevator doors from closing at the last second. 
Steven looks pained when we step in with them, eyeing the two of them. 
"What's going on?" Duff asks them, casually, wanting to get to the bottom of it. 
"Nothing." Stevie denies, shaking his head a little. 
"Steven, be honest." I add and he shrugs. 
"Nothing's going on." He says, matter-of-fact.
"Stevie--"
I'm cut off when the doors open on our floor and Steven takes off to his room, getting the door unlocked, heading to the bag of brownies with Slash on his heels. 
"Steven, what's wrong?" I ask when me and Duff catch up. 
"Oh, no." He lets out, slightly panicked. "Oh, no, no. Not good. Oh, God. Oh, I'm gonna be sick." He runs his fingers through this blonde hair. 
"Steven, what is it?" Duff asks him next. 
"She ate, like, five!" Steven explains. 
"I can get you some more brownies, Steven, it's okay." I chuckle. 
Duff looks at the brownies, then and Slash and Steven, then back at the brownies, then at me, then back at the brownies…
"Were these…? Duff asks them, raising his brows. 
"Uh huh." Steven winces out and Duff's eyes widen. 
"A-And she ate five?" 
"Yeah." 
"How much was in them?" 
"Well...there was like ten in each brownie and she had five so--"
"--You gave her fifty milligrams of weed brownies?!" 
"Of what?!" I ask.
"I didn't give them to her, she ate them herself!" Steven points out. 
"Oh, no." I say aloud.
"Oh, no" was right.
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pbandjesse · 5 years
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So i might be mildly allergic to hazel nuts?? I had a chocolate bar with hazelnut in it and my face and chest got really itchy and splotchy and hot and red. It was kind of scary. I went to the bathroom and wash my face. I got a paper towel and just kind of held cold water on myself for a while. But nothing was helping. So I kind of went over to Tiffany and was just like help?. And she went totally mom mode on me. Which is exactly what I needed in that moment. And thankfully everyone in the room was very concerned. I don't know why I was so anxious just to ask if anyone had a Benadryl but thankfully someone did and I took that and felt better. But now I guess I got to watch out for hazelnuts?
The rest of the day wasn't nearly as interesting. I mean it was still a good day but nothing terribly exciting happened. I slept okay and woke up early. I got dressed and left here around 8:15. I went over to CVS to pick up needle and thread and then went over to Dunkin Donuts for breakfast. The bus is supposed to come at 9:05. The bus actually came at 9:35. So another day where I waited almost 40 minutes for the bus. And that was after sitting in Dunkin' donuts and eating my bagel for 15 minutes. So I was not terribly pleased.
But because I was excited about winning some money last night I bought munchkins for everyone and no one cared that I was late. We were just working on lesson plans. But I got to tell everyone what happened and they were all very excited for me and it's cool being able to talk about some of the stuff went went down when I lived in Minneapolis. And then it was just a good working morning.
I wasn't in the mindset to be typing yet. So I spent a little time drawing my dumb Furby tattoo idea. It's not dumb! I don't like that I've been feeling self-conscious about my hobbies lately. I'm trying not to use negative language to associate with them. I'm actually very excited about my little drawing. The idea is that it's patches the clock Furby. And because her screen doesn't work anymore my idea is to have the screen display the word love in digital font. Because love is stored in the Furby. So I think I'm going to get two tattoos in the fall. They're both going to be small but I'm excited about them. My arm tattoo is been feeling kind of like it's missing pieces lately. It'll be nice to have more filling on the half sleeve.
I finished my lesson plan mostly. I want to go over it a little bit more tomorrow just to make sure everything is okay and everyone understands what I'm hoping for in the project. I also finished all of my power points I wanted to make. And got some laughs out of Marcus because on the what we expect for you PowerPoint we created I specifically looked for pictures and clipart of teachers at chalkboards. I found a white lady that had brown hair. And I specifically search for a black man. So that we would have representation on the board of us. And he thought that was so funny. Actually made him laugh a few times today. The other time was when he told me he didn't want to eat any more munchkins because he was trying to look good for the beach. Get his body back in shape. And I told him that the beach is going to get whatever kind of body I bring it, just complete deadpan.
At lunch time we convince Marshall to buy us all food. Me and the other Jessica we're having a dance off and it was all very silly and there was a good time. We walked over to the Chinese place. Then some people broke off to go get Subway. And others to get pizza. It was fun being out with everyone.
We all got back and we ate and then it was to work again. I spent pretty much the rest of the afternoon working on my example quilt square. It's basically a miniature crazy quilt representing what they're larger crazy quilt might look like. First I found pieces I like and I cut them into squares. I sew them together. And then I took all of that and cut it up into pieces. And then I sewed it together again. I'm very pleased. Because there's triangles and squares and rectangles and I think it looks really neat. Once I feel like all of its own together well enough I'm going to go back in and bead some and paint some and embroider an applique some. So that the kids can hold it and kind of have a better idea of what I'm hoping that their quilt will look like.
I stayed for a while. My allergic reaction happen during that time too. But I still got a lot done. I didn't finish showing it. I'm going to have to do that tomorrow but I pinned everything up at least for what I didn't so. We didn't have any straight pain so I had to use an entire pack of sewing needles but that's okay. I've done worse.
We finished up at 3. I cleaned up and then fitsum took me home. I was overheated outside. The humidity and rain this week has been Wild. It just feels very heavy when you're outside. As soon as I leave the safety of the box fan. That's terrible. So when I got here I was kind of uncomfortable. But I got cleaned up and put some stuff away. There was going to be a showing at my apartment at 5 and I did not want to be here. So at 4:30 I left.
I walk to the health food store to pick up new soap and some vegetarian beef jerky. I had a nice conversation about Alexander Calder with the guy at the counter. And then I went to Chipotle for nachos. I was upset when I left you pull it though because I was open the door some idiot on a scooter was right at 5 and I almost hit her with the door. She should not have been on the sidewalk and she specifically should have been that close to the door! I could have really hurt her. So I was a little frazzled when I got back to James.
But I got there and cooled off. I took a shower. And then I worked on Hemming / resizing the jumpsuit that I bought like a month ago. Finally figured out how to take in the legs and the crotch area because it just was a mess. Took me about an hour and a half total to pin, cut, and sew it. But once I did I was very happy. It looks really good now. Not work appropriate but I'm very excited to have it anyway. I did use an entire spool of thread today though. It was a little spool but still.
I laid in bed and watched videos. James got back around 6:30. He took a shower and then he made us Falafel for dinner. He made whipped garlic. Which I can still taste even though I brush my teeth twice. But it was really good and then we just hung out for a while.
I came home around 9. I took another shower. Just to rinse off. And I've just been hanging out with CP since then. I took all of the charms off of my charm bracelet and put them on a necklace. I think that I'm more likely to wear it right now that way. And I think I'm going to get ready to go to sleep now. I feel very tired. Tomorrow's our last lesson plan day as a group. It's been a really nice day though. A really nice week. I hope you all sleep great tonight. Be safe out there. Have fun
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linhkcao · 5 years
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The moment I realize I can move on
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As someone who is not naturally articulate and thus take the comfort (sometimes misery) of holding back thoughts and emotions, I’ve forced myself to record this time, no matter how broken it may end up sounding. What a transitive moment I’m in now, a mental milestone. A deep, great sadness of realization as it may be, I know it’ll help me reach the next level of freedom and self-acceptance. After a chain of exhausting days, I’ve allowed myself to be “officially sick” today. I’m gonna slow down. Thinking about what I’m thinking. Before throwing myself back into the madness of life.
I’m a wallflower to the core. The one that always watch, but never get involved, they say. Or am I? There are many moments where I was absolutely expressive and cheerful, like I’m living the time of my life. And I share that positive vibe to everyone I interact with. But there is no expected pattern of how and when that more attractive version of me show up. Recent recall was a couple weeks ago when “she” came to the rescue at an interview and secured me a job offer, I walked out of the building with an impression of “what the heck just happened? Was that me?!”. The thrilled joy, though, is short-lived. As I quickly realize that the worse-in-nearly-all-aspects version now will have to figure out how to meet high expectations from both myself and other people, built by “her”. It’s like “BOOM!!! Surprise biatch~ just saved you clumsy nerd from an awkward situation, congratulations we made it and now YOU take care of the rest! buh byeee~” every time.
Among expectations built, many I’m still fighting for, and for some I realized it’s time to give up for good. And you guess right, the tone is set up for the latter. The record of yesterday events in sequence, though not and end-to-end story, is the straw that broke the camel’s back. Here it goes...
I woke up with an annoying headache from a shortage of sleep as usual, rushed to the Turtle lake and took the school bus to Binh Duong, the place I would only travel to when I have to. It was kinda my favorite moment of a day though. I would always end up at the most front seat on the the right. Settled down. Eyes half-closed. The squeezing feeling all over my head and in the back of my eyes starts to soften thanks to the blend of gentle air-con wind and early morning sunlight, a cleanliness of smell, and my chill love song playlist aka the sleeping therapy. It is opposed to travelling by bike or taxi, now I actually hope the distance was longer! Normally that could be enough extra energy charged for me to survive a normal day at school. But yesterday was no ordinary day. I had no lectures but instead a group project in which we were struggling with an unfamiliar software. I was in charge of running the software while the other two did the writings. Just the night before I felt like a loser and almost gave up, but as the next morning, sitting down with the team, we gradually figured out everything. I felt so relieved. Perhaps it was not difficult after all. Maybe I was just freaked out with something I’m not used to and assume it's unsolvable.
Midday time, accompanied by the brutal sun, is when my tension headache gets at its worse. I skipped lunch and walked some heavy steps to the first-aid office, only to find it was being locked. Right, the lady must've been having lunch. Lying down at the feather chair in front, I pretended to get absorbed into my Iphone like a normal youngster nowadays instead of staring into nowhere and letting out my fatigue like a depressed person. Crazy how I still cared about what other people think even when it felt like my body was about to give out! And there she came from afar, the first aid staff lady; I turned my head and gave her the “I was waiting for you” smile (most honest smile ever), and she returned the “You’ll be okay now kiddo” smile. The first aid office is where I often come to take a nap after a test, or anytime I’m about the “shut down”. I call it VGU 5 star hotel.
The nap didn’t go well as I hoped, still I had to get up for the mini concert rehearsal, and apparently there are other people like me who are waiting to get their battery charged too (there are only 2 beds). The rehearsal was smooth, was no stress, and eventually better than the actual performance (what a shock). But then came the freaking rain. I blamed it for my bad mood, for my guitarist’s bike’s breakdown. And as we was just starting to come back to Saigon, his bike even had a flat tire. This is it, I thought, can’t get any worse!
I appreciate that my friend was very patient handling the situation, he was searching for mobile repairers and called each one of them. So I was resolved not to show any impatience although I was burning inside, the unfinished project still awaits me at home and seriously I was so desperate for some real sleep so I could make it to class for the presentation. I told him that I’d wait on the pavement to relieve the weight so he could go fixe his bike then come back afterwards. 30 minutes passed by... It was dark and remote as hell, and the last open restaurant which I sat nearby may close very soon. I made up my mind that I couldn't take a taxi or grab bike alone with such a far distance at this time of the day, so my only hope was that the guitarist friend woud have no further trouble and come back pick me up soon. My bestie even asked for the location details, in case I get kidnapped she could know how to report to the police lmao. And my professor was very worrying; she asked why I didn’t just simply stay in the dorm overnight...
Then it strike me how much I wanted to go back to Saigon, nearly at all costs. Even just for another 4-hour sleep then going to Binh Duong again, even when it’s super late and rainy. Am I crazy? I didn't care about rationality. I just wanted to go back.
But the actual turning point goes back to the concert, held at BD Conference & Exhibition center. It was prepared with dedication, passion, hard work, and joy, by tons of members from 2 biggest clubs in VGU. I’m thankful to be a small link in the whole chain.
The vocal quality as well as songs selection this year was really amazing. I sang “Perfect” by Ed Sheeran with anh Nguyen, the guitarist mentioned above. And although the performance was far from being perfect, I heard from several friends that they enjoyed it “beautiful singing”, “u still lit”, “it made me happy”, they even recorded and sent me... And trust me, I’m only glad because I could make some of the audiences happy, it was the only consolation at the end of the day. I personally and honestly didn’t understand those compliments, nor did I feel anything about the song, about the fact that I was a part of this concert. I came onto the stage, the extreme light beamed at us and all I could see are black-colored audiences. I didn’t see their faces, I didn’t have a clue how they were feeling. Were they bored or satisfied? It’s not about what the answer is, it’s about me having absolutely no belief in my performance. It was all acting, no emotions. Why can I say so, because I know what is like to “have belief” while singing. it’s when you just sing your hearts out and don’t give a damn on how the audience look like because you know they’re feeling with you, you don’t need to make sure by checking their facial expression and guessing if they’re satisfied or not.
I always talk to myself, no matter what bad things happen during the day, if at the end of the day when I lie down and about to sleep, I feel good, then it means I’ve had a good day. It was the same expectation towards the concert. I was hoping it could be a happy, memorable ending to my 4 boring years at VGU.
I know for sure there are many students like me at VGU who don’t feel any connection to the school nor other people at the campus. I’m not alone. But instead of being cool about it like many could do (you just simple seek another environment where you fit in), I was freak out. I was longing for the sense of belonging to this university, after I made a tough choice to leave home, leaving a mess behind me and move forward, I was an excited fresh who wanted VGU to be a happy, inspiring part of my youth. At the same time, I was all by myself. My brother was at the time struggling with his own marriage. Vi Anh is in Hanoi and we only chatted once in a while. My is in Japan, for years we nearly had no contact and I thought at some point I must let her go... Doug and Nhi went to BYU and I thought I might lose them as well... Other close friends were also away. I was lonely, i was desperate, i was ashamed.
For the record, there was an only truly happy and long lasting moment relating to VGU. It was the trip to Binh Lap with anh Quan, anh Huy, and Thien Tam. If you guys ever come across this note, I wanna thank you. It was the best thing happened to me during my VGU years.
This fourth year has been mind-blowing to me. I skipped the first semester to stay in Saigon for a part time job. And in the second semester I travel between 2 places. And suddenly I’m not a wallflower here in Saigon. For the first time in so many years, I don’t just watch, I am actively involved. For the first time in many years, the better version I talked about in the beginning and I, become one. I plan out my life, learn new things by my choice, meet new people and, many of them I make great friends, we exchange information and experiences, we help each other growth professionally and as a person. And above all things, My has decided to come back to Vietnam, and I realized after all the lost years, we still get each other's back. We reunited the gang along with Vi Anh and it was full of laughter. Many other friends have also recontacted and so it happened that we still exist in each other's life.
I love Saigon, for that it has been sweet and healing to me. I feel a sense of belonging, of living not just surviving. I guess the only reason for me to insist not staying overnight in Binh Duong was that after so many troubles, the fact that I could be back to the city for just a few hours sleeping, makes me feel safe, like “I’m at home at last”.
Of course, I didn’t get over VGU or Binh Duong easily. I wept out like a little girl but knew it was a “letting go” kind of crying. You know when you wish so much that things would work out between you and that person, it takes a while for you to accept that you’re not meant to be and you can move on and still live happily. Last night was the end to all my unrealistic hope. I felt absolutely nothing. No fun, no connection with the people, the atmosphere there. As soon as I finished the performance, I sneaked out into a dark conference room, playing with my phone while waiting for my friend to drive me back to Saigon.
I’m happy for those young and fun people I saw yesterday who has found themselves there, congrats to you, you will be like a close friend of mine who left VGU and his friends with tears of farewell. It’s also nice for me to be assured that people like me could still build beautiful memories elsewhere and be happy. In the end, we’re the only negative force of ourselves, no one can force us to do things we don’t want to.
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