#like Shannon pointed out it has such a chaotic energy

[theroseempress]

Thanks for the tag, @ettawritesnstudies!

Characters below the cut!

Option 1; Felix (Golden City WIP)

(fun fact, this 'made friends with an assassin' part also applies to me, the author)

Technically this is a spoiler because it hasn't happened as of the book's beginning, but he does in fact do this at one point. Charisma 10/10, could probably sell ice to an iceberg and makes friends with everyone whether they want to be friends or not.

Option 2; Iris (Golden City WIP)

She literally did this. That's how she's in the country the book is set in. One day she was just like 'what if I move to Solace' and just... packed and left. I don't know what else to tell you. It worked, somehow.

Option 3; Nerium (Golden City WIP)

Somehow wound up making friends with a bunch of chaotic people, mostly against his will, is now attached to them and has to keep them out of trouble. Does so with great amounts of complaining. (said friend group consists of two Chaotic Neutrals and two Chaotic Goods)

Option 4; Helen (Golden City WIP)

Daughter of nobles, grew up in court and always felt stifled by it. Met a woman who ran a carnival one day and discovered a) there is a language people have with their HANDS (she's deaf) and b) carnivals are much more fun than the court. Proceeded to leave with said carnival a few days later.

Option 5; Shannon (Golden City WIP)

One of the protagonists of The Golden City. Likes books. Would probably fight you over books, and would win, because he is also good at fighting. Quite intelligent, though he doesn't have the charismatic energy of his older twin Felix.

Option 6; Bricriu (Golden City WIP)

Charisma 12/10. That's it. That is all I am going to say.

Choice 7; Valentin (Golden City WIP)

One of the protagonists of The Golden City, very nice. He's quite streetwise and not very naive, but he is very optimistic. Aggressively so, even. Probably the only main character I've written so far who doesn't need therapy.

This took a while to compile, but it was really fun haha. :)

Um, lemme tag @ethaeriea aaand @j-1173 if y'all're interested!

[ivor-novello]

Ivor peeking through a door, ca. 1924

[2old4kpop]

15 Underrated Girly Kpop Songs That Make Me Go Absolutely Feral

When it comes to girl groups, more than anything I am a Blackjack and Blink. I like to listen to girl songs that make me want to murder men (and believe me, that blog post is in the works). But I’m also a ONCE, as TWICE are my sweet darling babies, but they’re about as girly as I can tolerate. I’m not one for the super girly concepts. I mean, did you guys ever see MINX? Occasionally I ironically jam to Shakey Love Shakey Shakey Shakey Shakey Love, but it was an absolute blessing from the K-pop gods to rebrand them as Dreamcatcher. It’s really only the A-list girly songs I tolerate, like GFriend or Oh My Girl. Everything else below them just seems really cringy.

Except for a few chosen few that are so good that they make me absolutely lose all of my shits. And I’m talking about songs that nobody seems to know like at all. Either these songs came out when the groups were still under the radar, before they had their big smash hits, or they just never seemed to rise to the top. But they are still valid and important. Videos are linked in the song names, since Tumblr won’t let me add more than five videos, but here we go.

15. April- Dream Candy

April is one of those rare groups that pull off the girly concept so well but don’t ever seem forced, like they are just truly naturally sweet and pure and precious. Honestly all of their songs are great, and it’s tragic that they haven’t had a comeback in 2019. But their debut, Dream Candy, is the one that really gets deep in my soul to that animal part of my brain that makes me scream this god damn chorus. But only really at the end. I never really listened to this song until it came on shuffle one day when I was walking home in the rain, and thought, why not listen to this awkward girly song, and then the last chorus hit and OH MY GOD. It’s a good one guys.

14. Momoland- Jjan! Koong! Kwang!

So this song comes out by some unknown group called uh, Momoland?, with a title that is just a bunch of sounds that don’t exist in English, and I felt like I was the only one on Earth that was like, “This is fine.” I was honestly in some I Am Legend universe where instead of me being the only living person on Earth, I was the only one that liked Momoland’s debut. As time went on Momoland started putting out what is pretty much some of the worst K-Pop that exists (I mean, have you SEEN the video for Wonderful Love? Try not to cringe challenge) and sadly enough this group just faded into obscurity and never had any huge, Earth shattering hits or anything. 

13. DIA- My Friend’s Boyfriend

On paper this song is awful. I mean it’s a song about being a petty bitch who has decided to steal their friend’s boyfriend, hence the title. Also the song ads cute little quirks like *squints eyes to read this metaphorical paper closer* coughing. Also the video has an unnecessarily long intro. But believe me when I tell you that this is an absolute slapper.

12. Gugudan- Wonderland

It’s a crime that Gugudan has never really hit it off, even with two I.O.I members. Their debut has this amazing Little Mermaid concept and believe me when I tell you that this chorus is best when screamed at the top of your lungs. After all the screaming I am basically in a manic state by the la la la’s.

11. LOONA 1/3- Love&Live

You’ll notice that the main theme of this list is that the choruses are absolute fire. But this one comes in and basically knocks the wind out of me with sweetness, like some kind of aegyo Kool-Aid man. It’s really the music that does it for me in this one, along with the melody, along with Heejin’s perfect high note. If this song doesn’t make you smile then you are a robot, like ViVi. 

10. Shannon Williams- Why Why

If Ant and/or Dec were here, they would hear this song and definitely say that Britain’s Got Talent. Shannon is the British IU,hands down, undeniably, I will not be taking questions at this time. But it’s very sad that her career was nonexistent after this came out. Was it the fact that this features a sixteen-year-old grinding against faceless boys? Or that this video widely revolves around her intensely stalking someone? It can’t be the song because that is perfect. 

9. AOA- Bingle Bangle

Okay so some history for those non-Elvises out there. AOA was THE HOTTEST girl group for a good minute, with so many timeless collaborations with the Brave Brothers that really changed the shape of female K-Pop for a while. And then ChoA left the group. And without the only member who could actually sing the face of the group, AOA kind of went quiet, save for a few Jimin solo songs. Then AOA came back with a new sound, and while everyone else thought it was terrible, I thought it was a bop! And I love the video and the concept! And the dance for this is so fun. Bingle Bangle is a real yes for me dawg. It’s only too bad that they lost yet another member and their concept was handed off to FNC’s new girl group. Speaking of which...

8. Cherry Bullet- Really Really

Yeah so they literally gave this entire “girls in a video game but it’s fun and cute” concept to Cherry Bullet, and they hit the ground running with it. This comeback in particular is my favorite of theirs because it hits one of my favorite pop music tropes: Having A Funky Instrumental Chorus, Only At The End To Put Words Over The Music. It ticks all my boxes.

7. Rainbow- Whoo

If you ever wanted to hear a song that made you scream “RAAAAIIINBOOW AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!” then this is it. At this point in this list we start to hear the songs that make me truly insane, and this song absolutely destroys me. It’s really sad, however, that this is basically Rainbow’s swan song, as it was their last song before disbandment. 

6. Matilda- Macarena

I bet you haven’t even HEARD of Matilda. I bet you didn’t even KNOW that MATILDA just DISBANDED a FEW MONTHS AGO because ALL THEIR SONGS WERE BAD except for THIS ONE which is just full of CHAOTIC GOOD ENERGY and if you don’t ENJOY THIS then GET OFF MY LAWN. 

5. Berry Good- Angel

Berry Good was destined to be one of those girl groups, like Matilda, that came from a tiny company and was just given bad songs and were set up to fail. So they crowdfunded, and somehow made two incredible comebacks, Don’t Believe (which is a whole other story that we won’t get into today, but it’s an amazing song that you should check out) and prior to that, Angel. I don’t even know where to begin with this song because it literally makes me forget who I am and why I exist. It’s a banger?? This song starts off so soft and pure and jumps right into a chorus that makes you bang your head and scream “I TAKE A CHANCE, YOU NEVER KNOW” as loud as possible. And right when you think you can’t take it anymore, that you are gasping for air because you are drowning in perfection, THEY GO EVEN HARDER. Like, girls, you did not need to go that hard. Holy shit. They go full IU in Good Day. I don’t know why we were blessed with this, especially since after this all their other songs have been garbage, and they’ve been so unsuccessful that they lost their strongest member and they’re heading for disbandment. But we have this gem, and I’m thankful for it.

4. 4Minute- Heart To Heart

Back when 4Minute was just another 2NE1 clone, trying to compete in the market of “Girls Who Look Tough But Are Actually Sweet” 4Minute, aka The HyunA Group, put out this. Third Geners, this is what Second Gen was all about. This is the meaning of Christmas, Charlie Brown. This song is everything. It’s perfect. And it’s too bad that 4Minute didn’t really stick with this sound, but also not, since with their more mature concept they wound up getting pretty famous once Park Bom... I mean, we’re not gonna talk about it. 

3. Hyolyn- Bae

Okay so I know that Hyolyn as an entity is not technically considered underrated, but her entire solo career is being slept on and I don’t understand. With Sistar gone, and now Red Velvet carrying the torch for summer anthems, Hyolyn doesn’t necessarily have to give us one of the best summer songs of all time but she did. Every second of this song to me is perfect. And yeah okay I’ll admit it, I am a Gay, I am attracted to women, and Hyolyn is a lot of. A lot of wow. She and HyunA are exactly my type, and this video is a lot. But the SONG you guys. It’s so much that I told even regular people who listen to English music to listen to this song. They didn’t, of course, because the world doesn’t appreciate Hyolyn like I would, I mean like I do as a fan and nothing else. This song was my summer anthem in 2018, Power Up wishes it was this good.

2. BESTie- Thank U Very Much

One of the things that really got me into K-Pop during the Second Gen was that it sounded so much like pop music from my youth. This is gonna sound weird, but I grew up in a Wiccan Neo-Pagan household where 90% of the music we listened to was traditional Celtic or New Age, and if it was ever anything else it was like The Beatles (my Mom and her sisters were one of those screaming and fainting Beatles fans, the trait that was clearly passed down to me, based on what happened when I saw G-Dragon live, but that’s another story) or ABBA, or any kind of British/European pop/rock from the 70s or 80s. So once I was old enough to really find out what kind of music I liked, I dived deep into cheesy pop songs like S Club 7, Britney Spears, and the like. But I always had a soft spot for ABBA. The melodies, the music, the strange lyrics that didn’t really make sense or weren’t quite grammatically correct but it worked. I feel like that love for obscure pop, along with the 90s and early 2000s bubblegum pop, pushed me right into the K-Pop scene. And this song is the best example of that kind of weird melody with oddly used English words, but it works in the best way. The chorus of this song sounds like it was written by ABBA. The ending of this song is transcendent. Tell me you can’t picture a Korean Meryl Streep in overalls singing the ending of this song while dancing on a beach. This song makes me lose all my shits. But I do have to say that this video is uh, Not Good, especially compared with how amazing the song is. But these underrated bottom of the barrel groups don’t have much to work with in the first place, so we can’t really fault them. This song holds up, and is going to hold up for a very long time. I stan.

1. Laboum- Shooting Love

So like I said before, I don’t typically like the super sugary, super tacky, super girly girl concepts. BUT I LOVE LABOUM. ALL their girly sweet songs are AMAZING. They somehow get everything right, in their own unique way. They’re not at all like “Oh, they’re like GFriend”, “Oh, that’s like Lovelyz” or anything, if you get what I’m saying. Laboum had their own cheesy yet perfect style of girly. Aalow Aalow: A CLASSIC. Journey To Atlantis: A CLASSIC. Hwi Hwi: A CLASSIC. Only U: YES YOU GUESS IT, CLASSIC. Sugar Sugar: DON’T MAKE ME SAY IT AGAIN. I could have made this whole list with just Laboum songs. So I made myself pick one by listening to as many old Laboum songs as I could before I would become an absolutely menace to society, as I am not responsible for my actions after listening to so much girly perfectlon at once. If I was arrested and went to court for I dunno, causing distress and mayhem to the citizens of my city, my lawyer would call it “the Laboum defense.” “You see, Your Honor, my client listened to a lot of Laboum songs, and lost control of themselves and became an entity, a ball of energy, a comet destroying everything in its path while screaming cheesy Korean lyrics.” And I would be set free, of course, because who wouldn’t lose themselves completely to the power of Laboum? But anyway I picked Shooting Love, as it puts me in a manic state from the very intro until the last second. And let me just say now that I deeply mourn this old Laboum, as they came back in 2018 with a new concept that makes them sound lobotomized compared to their old sound. Like slow R&B is fine, but compared to this it’s drab and slow and dull and I hate it. I Hate It. Bring back cute Laboum in 2020, or at least study Apink if you want to see how to properly change an aging cute group into a mature group. I could go on, but now I have the urge to listen to more Laboum. You’ll see me on the evening news tonight, I’m sure.

anyway 안녕

[justwritingscibbles]

Lost and Squashed

I had a random flash of inspiration to write for Danny Sexbang and Ninja Brian. But before you read it, I recommend watching/listening to this video since the inspiration was birthed from it.

Warnings: Blood, flirtatious stuff, weapons, a little gore

5am.... why in the world was someone beating at your door at 5am? 

Why did you have near hundreds of messages and missed calls from Danny since 3am??? 

You groaned as the knocking turned to a real thumping. Your phone lighting up as an ID photo of Danny Sexbang, in a very erotic pose, thankfully in his spandex suit, filled the screen.  You didn’t bother answering the call. Instead dragged yourself out of the cozy blankets and towards the door.  Throwing it open and hissing viciously,

“It’s. 5. In. The. Morning!” 

Danny, not at all fazed by your anger, shoved his phone into his leather jacket and grabbed your shoulders. His eyes blown wide with near hysteria. 

“(Y/N)! You have to help me find Ninja Brian! It’s been two days and I haven’t seen him since the date and I think he could be in trouble or worse is actually falling for this chick and I don’t-” 

Danny was speaking far too fast for you to make any sense out of it. The vomit of words all coming out on one exhale of breath and you were sure he’d pass out if you didn’t cut in. “Whoa, whoa, rein in the horses for a second, Danny. What the fuck are you on about?” 

Danny took a deep breath and released your shoulders. Seeming to be a little calmer.  “Ninja Brian has gone missing. And I mean really missing. He hasn’t answered any of my snapchats or liked any of social website posts. He has just disappeared.” 

You raised an eyebrow and made a confused face. “He’s a ninja. That’s what he does.” 

“No! But this time, it’s different. I can just feel it. Look, I am begging you to come look for him with me. I’ll buy you breakfast! Have sex with you-” 

“No sex.” 

“Fine! I’ll shout breakfast and coffee. Just come on.” He grabbed your elbow and dragged you out of your apartment. Near running to the elevator and pressing the button multiple times in his attempt to make the machine go faster.  You pouted, covering yourself as best you could as Danny sprinted into the lobby and out of the apartment complex. 

“You couldn’t have let me get change?” You hissed as you hurried to keep up with him. 

“No time! Ninja Brian could be in danger!” Danny huffed. Opening the door to his... you guessed stolen car, since you remembered Danny didn’t have a license nor the money to own a car. 

“NB is not in danger. The man is danger! He’s basically all chaotic energy forced into a meat suit. No one would mess with him.” You slipped into the front seat and Danny clambered into the drivers seat. “You just want to see as much skin on me as possible!” 

Danny wasn’t quick enough to rein in his smirk. But he hid the smile behind a cough, which distantly sounded like, “Maybe”, as the vehicle shot into the air in a sheer vertical climb and soared over the city at frightening speed.  You huffed and crossed your arms over your chest. Ignoring the side glances Danny was giving you as you gazed down at the city.  “Ok, so where are we going to start? Why do you think NB is in danger?” 

“The last girl I went on a date with was NUTS! And those two hit it off like fireworks near the end of the date.” Danny replied. Narrowly missing a skyscraper as he jerked the wheel to the left. “I am never trusting your dating advice again.” 

“W-What?! My dating advice? Who the hell did I tell you to go on a date with?” 

“Shannon from your work. I thought she was real cute! And she was nice and, admittedly a little shy, but damn, after that first murder she turned into a real pyscho-” 

“Murder?!” You screeched. 

“Yes, (y/n), murder. Don’t change the subject! This is your fault!” Danny pointed a finger at you. Angrily mumbling how you were a terrible wing-person and was going to refuse every attempt at date giving from now on.... unless they were blonde. 

“No. No! Shannon is nice! She has dated like... three guys in her life-time... and you murdered someone on your first date?! I told you to stay away from Shannon!” 

“Well fuck, (y/n)! You know I can’t say no to a red head. She was so cute!” Danny looked ridiculously sad and you threw up your hands in anger as he turned his puppy eyes to you. 

“I cannot believe you. So what? NB and Shannon hit it off? Like Shannon could do anything to NB.” 

“Look, I do not trust her. Not after the 180 degree asylum turn she did that night. I just want to make sure Ninja Brian is ok and that he hasn’t been drugged up and used on the black market.” Danny said. Glancing at you when you didn’t answer right away. Glaring when he noticed the knowing smile on your lips. 

“Your bro-mance is adorabl-” 

“Shut up!” 

Danny drove until you reached Shannon’s apartment.  Or at least that’s what Danny told you. You only knew Shannon professionally through work. You never actually were friends, per say, but you knew her enough to try and save her from Danny’s predatory advances. 

“Ok, so I dropped her off here and then she rejected my second date proposal-” 

“Shocking.” You cut in. 

“And then I saw Ninja Brian in her window! That was the last time I saw those two. I kinda guessed Ninja Brian would come home when he’s ready.” Danny looked at his phone. Worry creasing his forehead when he had no new messages. 

“NB isn’t a cat, Danny. He’s a grown, very violent, man. He probably saw something red and went on a murder spree.” 

Danny hummed in agreement, but still didn’t like the fact he had heard nothing from his friend in two days. And worse, Shannon had blocked him on all social media sites. Even changed her number!!  “Alright. Lets go up and knock on her door, maybe they’re-” 

“Having weird, ninja, psycho sex. No thanks. My eyes are still damaged from seeing you with that Mime. I’m gonna ask down the street. Maybe the locals have seen them.” You left before Danny tried to persuade you into accompanying.  You’ve played side-kick with him before, and though it is fun, you didn’t have the patience for him right now. This early in the morning. NB was a better player for that. And so early in the morning, you didn’t expect Ninja Brian to be in bed just yet. 

You wandered towards a small bakery. A few streets over from the apartment complex. From the store owners you met along the way, you had a valid guess to where Ninja Brian might be. Or at least, where he had been.  The people had been terrified through the night. Telling you stories of blood-curdling screams. Explosions. And even the sirens of Police-Bots rushing towards a burning building. Only to end in more explosions. 

It definitely sounded like NB’s work. 

However, you stopped before you got too close. The windows were smashed and the brick walls looked scorched. The roof was caved in, still wet from the water you guessed a fire fighter used to put it out. Bits of metal were strewn around the place. A robot’s head lay cut in half on the bakery floor, it’s body falling from the rafters of the crumbling building. You gulped nervously. Not wanting to get closer, but the more you observed, the worse the picture.  Blood splatters, a severed hand on the tile floor, a few shuriken embedded into the wall.  You knew you were on the right track.  But before you could turn to go get Danny, a voice jerked your attention to the alley next to the bakery. The one you currently stood next too. 

“Hey! (Y/N)! Like my work? I tried to cook some bread but the ovens got too hot. Burnt the place down. Neat right!” 

“S-Shannon?” You asked. Your jaw dropping at the sight of the girl you knew, the same one that use to wear long skirts and sleeves. With minimum make-up and usually seen with a shy smile.  But now, she looked bad-ass. A collar rimmed her neck, the black leather jacket barely covering her very thin material shirt. Skin tight jeans and heeled boots, she was intimating before you noticed she carried a machete type blade. That just terrified. You scrambled for words, unable to believe this was your shy co-worker staring you down.  “D-Damn, girl. You look...different.” 

“Different? Different how?” The tone in her voice told you that their was no good answer here. And you raised your hands, in a type of surrender motion. 

“I didn’t mean it badly, Shannon. I swear. I’m just not use to you wearing... black.” 

Your face drained of blood when Shannon’s eyes creased in a cold glare. Her fingers tightening on the weapon’s handle as she raised it.  “You know what, (y/n), I was almost gonna spare you. But now you’re gonna be my last kill before breakfast.”  She rushed at you. The blade gleaming as she swung it down, aiming for your stomach.  But a cloud of smoke exploded between you, obscuring you from Shannon’s path. And you heard her grunt, and yell an upset shout. “Hey! Ninja Baby what are you doing? She’s mine.” 

You stepped back when the smoke cleared. Allowing you to see the very ninja you had been searching for standing in front of you. His hands had caught the machete between his palms, stopping it an inch in front of his chest.  His ever fury imbued gaze burning down on Shannon. But she didn’t even flinch at his gaze, she only frowned and lowered the weapon.  “Oh, you know her too?” Shannon said. Stepping back, to which Brian allowed the blade to drop from his hands. “Huh, sorry, (y/n), I got excited.” 

“Yeah.... no kidding.” You mumbled.  Brian turned to look at you. The fury still there, but a quizzical arch to his bushy eyebrows. His eyes going over your attire. “Danny basically beat down my door to drag me out to come look for you. He’s worried~” You added a teasing lint to your words.  Brian rolled his eyes and turned back to Shannon. Who had wandered off and was now beating a trash-can with a metal pipe she found. You continued to talk over the loud noise.  “Well, I’m not going to interrupt you two. So I’ll go tell Danny you’re ok, Brian. And hopefully get some sleep before work. See ya, Shannon! Uh... be safe.” 

Shannon smiled and waved goodbye. And you turned to leave, getting a few steps before Shannon called out.  “Hey! Baby, where are you going?” 

You looked back and found Brian had started to follow you. At Shannon’s call, he turned and pointed at you.  Confused, Shannon dropped the pipe and swaggered over. The machete being picked back up as she closed in.  “But... what about our ten murders before pancakes?” She asked.  Brain pointed to her, then to him and then made a slicing motion with his fists. Like he was breaking something.  Shannon gasped and eyes seemed to flood her eyes. Mascara running like streams down her cheeks. 

“W-Wait... you’re breaking up with me?” She asked, mid-sob. 

Brain nodded. And you were tempted to sprint for it. You did not want to be around a machete wielding woman after a break-up.  “Um... I’m gonna go...” 

“It’s your fault!” Shannon shrieked. You sighed and threw your hands up. 

“Why is everyone blaming me?!” You exclaimed. 

“Because if you didn’t tell Danny to ask me out I wouldn’t be in this situation!”

Shannon lunged forward and you narrowly escaped being stabbed by the massive blade. If not for Ninja Brian’s slap to Shannon’s wrist, that is. Causing her to drop the weapon. 

“I never told Danny to ask you out. I specifically told him to stay away from you!” You cried out as Shannon once again lunged at you. Her polished nails swiping at you viciously, and you made a run for the street. Wanting to escape the crazed woman as best you can.  Ninja Brian made an irritated expression with his eyebrows and hurried after the two of you. Getting to the where the alley opened up to the street before stopping, watching you bolt across the road, with Shannon hot on your heels. 

“I thought we were friends-” 

“Ninja Brian!” A loud sickening crunch cut off Shannon’s screams. An engine cut off as Danny leapt out of the parked vehicle and rushed to his friend. “Oh thank god! You’re alright. Dude! What the fuck? You didn’t like my tumblr post last night. I worked real hard on that, dude! Like two hours worth of jacking it-” 

“Oh my god! You killed her!” You screamed. Snapping both men to attention as you stared at the bloodied car.  Shannon’s arm was bent in all sorts of wrong ways. Red blood oozed out from under the car, chunky bits following the stream as it trickled towards the drain. 

“Oh... my bad.” Danny said. His mouth twisting in disgust. Ninja Brian stared down at the broken legs that were sticking out from under the metal object. Only to shrug and open out his hand, silently asking for the car keys. “Oh, hell no dude. Last time you drove, three skyscrapers and time square blew up. I am not making that mistake again.”

“G-Guys, can we please just acknowledge that you just killed Shannon!”

Danny frowned and shrugged. “I did. I said ‘my bad’. She was clingy. I mean, Ninja Brian was just saying how he has been trying to ditch her all night. Come on, (y/n), listen for once.” 

You stomped your foot in frustration and crossed your arms. Angrily refusing to get in the car with Danny and Brian. Even when Danny patted the seat next to him and cooed, like he was talking to a dog.  “Come on, (y/n). We’ll go get breakfast. Come on. Come on, gorgeous. You know you want breakfast.” 

You struggled to keep the grin from your face. But you broke when Ninja Brian in the back, lifted a sign with the picture of a stack of pancakes on it. A smiley face painted on it.  You sighed and stomped over to the car, having to do the splits to avoid the puddle of Shannon on the passenger side. 

[collegerapesurvivor]

My trip to NYC

"When you give yourself permission to communicate what matters to you in every situation you will have peace despite rejection or disapproval. Putting a voice to your soul helps you to let go of the negative energy of fear and regret."

-Shannon L Alder

On Thursday October 20th 2016 I got into the Car with my friend and she drove me to the train station. There was a lot of tension in the car for many different reasons. First, I didn't want to miss my train. Second because I was nervous about everything that was going to be happening within the next 36 or so hours. The conversation was kept light. Talking about random things but, watching the clock to make sure I got to the train station on time.

Eventually I got to the train station and I got on on the back of the train. I didn't know where I was on the train. I wasn't sure if I was in the back or the front. I sat down and looked around. There weren't many people on the train at the time. I called my friend and told her I was on the train and that I was sitting down. Letting her know it was okay to leave and that I would be in New York before 4:00. After that I curled up into a little ball and fell asleep. Well, kinda. The next stop two other people that were going to the same event would be getting on. I was awake at their stop. They texted me that they were on the train.

They sat down and I went back to sleep or at least tried. After a while I knew i wasn't going to be able to sleep so i pulled out my Geology homework. I got a text from the girls, a picture of them so I knew who to look out for. I had never met them before. I was happy that I wasn't alone in this adventure and that I had two other people who would be there with me throughout the trip.

When we stopped in Albany, they had come to find me and I looked up and saw them. We talked about Uber and how we were going to have to Uber from the City to our destination. After a few minutes they went back to their seats and I went back to trying to do my Geology homework. Albany to New York is still another three or so hours. So I read a little of my book, and listened to music until eventually we made it to Manhattan. I have been to New York countless times. I love it there, but the environment is to chaotic for me. There's to much happening and to many people. It makes my anxiety sky high.

When we got off the train, we went to Time Square. At first I'm sure I was a bit awkward. But eventually everything settled down and we all talked. We went to the M&M store in Time Square and got a bunch of M&M's.

Then we went to the Hershey's store. It was small, very small and made me anxious. I really like my space and that store didn't allow you to have that. You were next to a person at all times. Then to a gift shop. I love to look around and see all the cool New York things that they have. They had so many cool shirts. Then we decided to walk around a little. We still had a lot of time left until dinner which started at 8.

We went to this cute little area that had seats and fountain wall. We sat there for a while then decided to continue walking around. We walked to a beautiful fountain across the street from Radio city Music hall. It was stunning. It was starting to get dark so that's when we all made the decision to get the Uber or Lyft so we could make it to the place we needed to go on time. Let me tell you trying to find a place to order a Lyft or uber in New York is impossible. We finally found a place.

Since there were 3 females we really wanted to have a female driver. I really just wanted to get out of the city before it got dark. I don't really like being out at night.

After a while of struggling and having to call the women who was in charge of the event we were going to (thank god for her) we finally got a Lyft to where we needed to go. The Lyft driver was really nice and it all ended up being fine. We drove past Central park which is huge. I had no idea how big Central park really was. We drove past Yankee Stadium among other things and lots of pictures were taken but not by me. I was always too late for the good pictures.

After about an hour we finally made it to our hotel. We walked in, it was BEAUTIFUL. This was the first time I've ever been somewhere completely alone. We got a free cookie when we checked in. As we were checking in we met the person who had set up the event and some of the other people who were going to be there for us if we needed them. I'm really glad that we met them all before dinner so we knew who they were.

Alyssa*, Julia*, Julia's boyfriend and I went to our rooms and dropped off our stuff. I ended up doing a quick change, mostly just changing into a different pair of the same pants and a new shirt. We went to dinner the 4 of us sat next to each other. By this time we had spent a lot of time together. We were all overly tired. I'm the kind of person who  stays in the back until they know its safe. Since I had grown comfortable with Alyssa and Julia, I was okay with talking with them. I'm very quiet when you first meet me, but once i open up, all hell breaks loose and I'm loud.

During dinner we all talked. We talked about life, we talked about TV shows we liked. Like Grey's anatomy. Lets be real that show is the best. The event was hosted by the NYC alliance against sexual assault. There were a few fans so we ended up talking for a while about that. During dinner I laughed, a lot. Laughed because someone knocked over a glass or spilled something on the table. Also during dinner I disclosed. I disclosed my rape to the two people I had been with since the time I had gotten to New York. I told them about my school and what had happened with that. It was nice to talk about it before the next day. My stomach was in knots.

After dinner Alyssa and I ended up going into the hotel lobby because we were both freaking out about the next day. We didn't know what to expect and we were both very nervous about that. Alyssa told me some of the officers were just around the corner.I wasn't ready for that, not yet. We talked for a while about being anxious. About not being believed. About how everything was going to go. About the police officers and how they would respond to us.

Eventually we decided it was time to go bed. But before that we went to the room where the event was going to be held. I looked into the room and it was huge. The table was set up in a rectangle, so we would all be facing each other.

Alyssa and I went to sleep. Except I didn't sleep. At all. I was awake the whole night. I was tossing and turning . The next morning I got up at 7:30 and took a shower. I texted to see what everyone else was wearing and got dressed. I didn't dress up but I did put on makeup. I packed up all of my things and brought them down Julia's room.

The 3 of us headed downstairs together. We got to where breakfast was and we saw the officers. I think I freaked out seeing all of the officers . For me, the police just have a look about them that is extremely intimidating. I have never been in trouble with the law, besides a few tickets.

The people from the Alliance kept checking in on us to make sure we were okay. I got a bagel, cream cheese and a coffee. I sat down next to Alyssa and Julia also one of the people from the alliance was sitting down next to us. Not only was I sitting next to people I was comfortable with. I was sitting across from people I was comfortable with. I could see the other people who were there and the people from the Alliance. So, I would have someone to look at when I was talking.

We all were talking for a while. Nerves were becoming worse. I could feel a knot in my stomach and I felt like I was going to be sick and I was having panic attacks on and off. Since I felt sick ate a few bites of my bagel. I couldn't finish it though.

After that it was announced that the event was going to start. We went around the room introducing ourselves and pronouns along with where we were coming from. Then we did an ice breaker. Going around the room saying something that we like to do. I decided on "I like to read" then we went over ground rules. Confidentiality  and all that jazz.

During the event it was hard. It was triggering, but I knew it was something that needed to be done. At one point I had to walk out of the room. I hope that what happened in that room has made an impact on those officers. Has made an impact on how they interact and deal with survivors in the future.

After the event we had a debriefing. We talked about how we think the event went. I didn't say anything. I think I shut down. When I got up and left the room. I saw people out in the hall way. I wanted to cry but I couldn't. I wish I asked someone to follow me. I suck at doing things like that so it's no surprise that i didn't. I suck at emotions. I think I was very overwhelmed and I think that made things worse. I kept looking at the lights in the room. Not only were they pretty they kept me from crying. After the debriefing Julia, Alyssa and I went to the lobby of the hotel and ordered an Uber. Alyssa and I ventured off to try to go and get coffee but the machine wasn't working.

We said goodbye to some of the people from the alliance. I think that without all of them it would have been a lot harder. Each and everyone one of them played a key roll in me feeling comfortable. So to each of them thank you. You have no idea how much your presence was appreciate and needed.

We got into the uber and it was silent the entire way to the train station processing everything that had happened. I was just thinking about everything and it was a flood of what could have been said and what shouldn't have been said on my part. When we got to the train station we waited. Waited to find out where we would be going to get on our train.  I remember the loud noises and the shuffling of people, and I  disassociated. When we finally got onto the train we sat down, in a row. We took pictures, and they helped me stay on the train. See I was suppose to be on the 1:20 train back but I really didn't want to go back alone and ended up getting on the later train.

They kept joking that I would have to stay and sleep on the streets or I would have to find a place to stay.  When I got on I was extremely lucky, the machine wasn't working and managed to stay on the train. I don't advise doing this, it was extremely nerve racking. I wanted to puke until we got to Albany when I finally started to feel better. But the whole time we talked, talked about the event. Talked about how we felt, talked about our hopes of what would come of us speaking to these cops. I told a room full of people I was raped. I just know when I uttered "I was raped" for the first time my hand was shaking. That was a huge step for me. The courage of everyone else in that room, made me feel comfortable enough to disclose. The other people in the room made me feel safe and for that I can't thank them enough.

There were times where we would listen to music for a while and then end up talking again. Before we got to their stop the person came around to finally scan tickets. I tried to fake being asleep but that didn't work. I gave my name and that didn't work. So, I ended up pulling up my ticket and he scanned it. He just mumbled the train I was suppose to be on before moving on to the next person. We all had a good laugh about that. I really should've bought a lottery ticket because I was extremely lucky. Eventually Julia and Alyssa got off the train and I was left alone in my thoughts. When a man sat down next to me I started to cry. Feeling every emotion I had suppressed that day.

After what seemed like forever I finally got to my stop and got off the train. I got into the car with my friend and she drove me home. This whole experience was emotionally exhausting. What do I hope comes of it? That survivors who come forward will be treated with dignity and respect. That survivors finally feel safe enough to come forward. I don't think of myself being brave. I think of myself making sure nobody else has to go though what I did. If I changed the future for one survivor, I'm happy.

*names have been changed to protect the privacy of those involved.

[mdye]

Cross-posted with TomDispatch.com

In normal times, Dee from New York would have ordered her copy of The Handmaid’s Tale from Amazon, but these are not normal times. Amazon is on the Grab Your Wallet list, a campaign to boycott retailers that sell Trump family products, which began as a response to the video revealing our now-president’s penchant for grabbing women “by the pussy.” Dee bought her book from a smaller retailer instead.

Since Donald Trump’s election in November, and especially since his January inauguration, hundreds of small and not-so-small organizations have sprung up to oppose the president.  They joined the ranks of established left-leaning and liberal groups already revving up their engines to fight the administration. Among all the ways you can now voice your dissent, though, there’s one tactic that this president will surely understand: economic resistance aimed at his own businesses and those of his children. He may not be swayed by protesters filling the streets, but he does speak the language of money. Through a host of tactics ― including boycotting stores that carry Trump products, punishing corporations and advertisers that underwrite the administration’s agenda, and disrupting business-as-usual at Trump companies ― protesters are using the power of the purse to demonstrate their opposition and have planned a day of resistance against his brand on June 14th.

Such economic dissent may prove to be an especially apt path of resistance, especially for the millions of Americans who reside in blue states and have struggled with a sense of powerlessness following the election. After all, it’s not immediately obvious how to take effective political action in the usual American way when your legislators already agree with you. But what blue-state dwellers lack in political sway they make up for in economic clout, since blue states have, on average, greater household incomes and more purchasing power than their red-state compatriots. The impact of coordinated blue-state boycotts could be enormous. That’s why Grab Your Wallet, along with Color of Change, a racial-justice group, and numerous other organizations are encouraging individuals to see their purchasing power as political muscle.

“It was close at the polls, but it’s not close at the cash register,” Shannon Coulter, a founder of Grab Your Wallet, told me recently.

[P]rotesters are using the power of the purse to demonstrate their opposition...

And yet, even as throngs of organizations and hundreds of thousands of individuals throw their energy into economic tactics intended to weaken the president, it’s still an open question whether this type of resistance ― or, more specifically, its current implementation ― can precipitate anything in the way of meaningful change.

“A Sprawling Landscape of Resistance”

At first glance, Grab Your Wallet is a modest website: a Google spreadsheet that lists about 50 companies to boycott.  Included are the department stores Macy’s, Bloomingdale’s, and Lord & Taylor, as well as online retailers like Overstock.com, Zappos, and Amazon, all of which sell some type of Trump swag. (The precise number of companies listed continues to decline, as retailers dump the Trump brand.) The site gets an impressive two million unique visitors every month, and when I spoke with Coulter, she told me that 22 retailers had dropped Trump products since the start of the boycott. She believes that this is just the beginning.

“I don’t think we’ll see the full impact of the boycott until summer, because of how the retail cycle works,” she explained. The department store Nordstrom, for instance, the biggest company to date to drop the Ivanka Trump brand, sold through its existing inventory before indicating that it would not reorder. That announcement even attracted attention from the president, who tweeted: “My daughter Ivanka has been treated so unfairly by @Nordstrom. She is a great person ― always pushing me to do the right thing! Terrible!”

Color of Change has long deployed strategies of economic resistance, specifically by going after advertisers who underwrite hate. Now that Trump is in the White House, Rashad Robinson, the group’s executive director, told me that they’re focusing on the role of corporate enablers “who’ve made this administration possible.” He described a strategy in which his organization carefully selects a corporate target and then rallies its million-plus members to participate in a campaign designed to tarnish the company’s brand ― unless its executives make more ethical advertising choices. Color of Change played a role in the recent ouster of Bill O’Reilly from Fox News by helping to influence some of the more than 50 major advertisers who pulled their financial support from his top-rated program. After advertisers fled, Fox gave O’Reilly the boot.

Progressive groups are proving increasingly savvy when it comes to designing such consumer-driven tactics. The Center for Popular Democracy and the immigrant-rights group Make the Road New York recently co-launched a campaign called Corporate Backers of Hate, which targets Wells Fargo, JPMorgan Chase, The Walt Disney Company, and a handful of other corporations that have provided various forms of support for Trump and his agenda. Wells Fargo, for instance, has lent millions of dollars to the president’s companies, is an investor in immigrant detention centers run by private, for-profit contractors, and has loaned money to developers for the Dakota Access Pipeline, the 1,172-mile oil pipe that would cross Standing Rock Sioux Tribe lands in North Dakota. (Trump signed a memo authorizing that pipeline within days of taking office.) The Corporate Backers of Hate website allows protesters to bypass customer service staff at these corporations and send messages directly to top executives and board members to express their disapproval.

This strategy of going after the funding underlying Trump’s network has won some early victories. Several groups have been trying to cut off the flow of advertising dollars to Breitbart, the xenophobic pseudo-news site formerly run by White House strategist Steve Bannon. Leading the charge in this work is a Twitter-based group, Sleeping Giants, with a relatively simple proposition: it asks followers to take screenshots of ads on Breitbart ― preferably next to an offensive headline ― and then tweet that screenshot to the company in the ad along with a polite message asking it to stop underwriting hate. This approach has been wildly successful; according to Sleeping Giants, thousands of advertisers have pulled out of Breitbart.

Nicholas Reville is a seasoned online organizer who has become a leading figure in the campaign to, as he says, make “hate unprofitable.” He believes that the Sleeping Giants model of digital resistance represents a new and important type of political action. “It’s very, very rare that you have an activism campaign where people are doing something other than signing a petition, showing up to a rally, [or] donating money,” he told me. Instead, he pointed out, an individual can now take a discrete action on his or her personal device and actually help win a victory when an advertiser pulls out of Breitbart.

[Trump] may not be swayed by protesters filling the streets, but he does speak the language of money.

Some activists are going beyond screenshots and tweets. Journalist Naomi Klein recently released a video highlighting the fact that Trump’s brand is one of his most important sources of revenue and suggesting that “jamming” the brand ― by turning it from a money-maker into a money-loser ― would be a powerful form of resistance. She mentions tactics like clogging phone lines at Trump companies or making and then canceling reservations at his hotels.

One activist who has been working on jamming those Trump phone lines, and who spoke with me on condition of anonymity, said that resisters like her had discovered that it was surprisingly easy to disrupt the president’s businesses. “The phone lines do not have the capacity to handle even medium-volume call traffic,” she said, and assured me that there was more phone jamming planned for the future. When I asked what she hoped to achieve through this tactic, she responded that the goal was to weaken President Trump financially, politically, and in every way imaginable.

“These strategies are complements to other kinds of organizing,” she went on. “None of these tactics alone are going to bring down the Trump administration... that’s not how it works. This is part of a sprawling landscape of resistance.”

Easy to Resist, Hard to Win

The multitude of groups, campaigns, and individuals going after Donald Trump, Trump businesses, and companies supporting him or his political agenda do indeed form a sprawling, often chaotic landscape of resistance. I receive a dozen different, mostly uncoordinated action alert messages in my inbox daily. In the weeks immediately following the inauguration, I found all that frenetic energy strangely appealing. After a couple of months of diffuse efforts, however, I began to wonder whether such efforts would be better spent on fewer, more coordinated campaigns. While Trump oppositionists undoubtedly feel a thrill of satisfaction when Nordstrom drops Ivanka’s product line and legions of advertisers pull out of Breitbart, it’s unclear whether these are steps on the path to a revised political landscape, or whether they are just feel-good wins leading nowhere in particular.

This dilemma is perhaps best exemplified by the Boycott Trump app, which has been downloaded 350,000 times. The concept behind it is similar to the one that animates Grab Your Wallet. The app is essentially a list of companies to boycott, though it includes more than 250 of them, rather than the dozens on Grab Your Wallet, many because they sponsored Trump’s NBC show The Apprentice back in 2011. I asked Nathan Lerner, who heads an organization called the Democratic Coalition Against Trump, which is responsible for the app, what qualifies a company to be listed, and he said that any company connected to the president was worth listing. I then asked if his group was collaborating with other boycott efforts.

“We’ve been a little frustrated with partnering,” Lerner told me. “Right now we’re seeing a ton of enthusiasm around boycotting Trump, but it’s fragmented. Folks are popping up doing great work, but they’re doing it on their own.” That seemed like a remarkably on-target summary of the situation, and Lerner’s group seemed to be an example of those working “on their own.”

In search of answers, I called up Marshall Ganz, who would surely be in the hall of fame of community organizing if there were one. He worked with Cesar Chavez in the 1960s to organize California farmworkers and was an architect of Barack Obama’s organizing strategy for his presidential run in 2007. A professor at Harvard’s Kennedy School (and, full disclosure, once my professor), Ganz defines “strategy” as “how we turn what we have into what we need to get what we want.” That applies nicely to the Trump boycott concept, in which activists are trying to turn their discrete consumer power into collective influence great enough to change where our country is headed.

When I mentioned to Ganz that so many different boycotts and related campaigns are happening without much coordination, he described the problem this way: “The mechanisms for starting my thing, my thing, my thing, they’re so easy in virtual space.” Bringing those initiatives together is the problem. As he pointed out, back in 2007 the San Francisco Bay Area alone had about 54 different pro-Obama groups registered online; the hard part was getting them to work together in a way that channeled their energy toward a shared goal. When it comes to fighting Donald Trump, Ganz suggested that it would be far more strategic for the many different boycott and pressure groups to pool their efforts. Were this to happen, he suggested, the anti-Trump movement could become more proactive, rather than reactive.

Not all experts agree with his assessment. L.A. Kaufman is the author of the recent book, Direct Action: Protest and the Reinvention of American Radicalism. “I think that the decentralized character of the resistance gives it resilience,” she told me in a phone interview. In her view, the fact that all this activity is totally grassroots and happening outside the Democratic Party is a sign of political renewal in this country. She has a point. Yet it’s hard to see how economic resistance, surely a suitable weapon against a businessman-in-chief, can be effective without a critical mass coalescing around an agreed-upon set of actions and goals.

I asked Shannon Coulter whether she’s coordinating with other campaigns, and she pointed out that Grab Your Wallet is now aligned with the organizers of the Women’s March, the vast post-inauguration protest that swept the country. Those same organizers were also the driving force behind the formation of roughly 5,500 groups of local activists who convened after the march to consider the next steps for the emerging anti-Trump movement. This alliance seemed like a promising sign.

Recalling what Ganz had said about uniting groups that supported Obama in 2007, I asked Coulter whether she would ever consider merging Grab Your Wallet into a larger organization. To this, she responded in the negative. “I say that,” she explained, “because Grab Your Wallet is one of the only women-led ones in the movement.”

Coulter isn’t the only one to offer such reasoning. Since the anti-Trump movement is a heterogeneous collection of groups representing women, people of color, immigrants, LGBTQ folks, and lots of straight white people, there’s concern that combining efforts could result in a resistance dominated by white men who might compromise the priorities of specific groups and their constituents. In order to be effective, says Rashad Robinson of Color of Change, campaigns must carry the “moral authority of an impacted constituency.” He described situations in which white-led groups had tried to mimic campaigns led by Color of Change ― without realizing that they lacked the moral authority to do so effectively.

In 2014, Zeynep Tufekci, a professor at the University of North Carolina who studies social movements, gave a TED talk titled “Online social change: easy to organize, hard to win,” in which she described the March on Washington in 1963. That historic event, where Martin Luther King delivered his famed “I Have a Dream” speech, drew 250,000 people. Tufekci underscored the significance of attracting such a crowd in 1963, when organizers used landline phones, flyers, and word of mouth, in a landscape lacking today’s easy digital tools. Fifty years ago it was nothing short of awe-inspiring to draw a quarter million people to the National Mall. “If you’re in power,” said Tufekci, “you realize that you have to take the capacity signaled by that march, not just the march, but the capacity signaled by that march, seriously.”

The anti-Trump movement has yet to accomplish anything so awe-inspiring. Nearly half a million people gathered in Washington for the Women’s March ― a number that climbed to more than a million when all the protests around the country were added in ― but it’s not at all clear that such numbers carry the same weight today as smaller crowds did in previous eras. Though protesters filled the streets in Washington one day after the inauguration, anti-Trump activity remains fragmented several months into his term.

And when it comes to waging economic resistance against this billionaire president, the pressing question is whether innumerable people across the country, like Dee from New York, who are changing their spending habits, tweeting at advertisers, contacting chief executives, and jamming phones at Trump businesses, will do so in a way that converts their discrete actions into real influence and power.

It’s still too early to tell.

Mattea Kramer, a TomDispatch regular, writes cultural commentary. Follow her on Twitter.

Follow TomDispatch on Twitter and join us on Facebook. Check out the newest Dispatch Book, John Dower’s The Violent American Century: War and Terror Since World War II, as well as John Feffer’s dystopian novel Splinterlands, Nick Turse’s Next Time They’ll Come to Count the Dead, and Tom Engelhardt’s Shadow Government: Surveillance, Secret Wars, and a Global Security State in a Single-Superpower World.

type=type=RelatedArticlesblockTitle=Related... + articlesList=5728bf38e4b096e9f08f23f1,59079137e4b0bb2d087052be,5908934fe4b0bb2d0871ce2e

-- This feed and its contents are the property of The Huffington Post, and use is subject to our terms. It may be used for personal consumption, but may not be distributed on a website.