#like come on now stop acting like everyone can’t have their own opinion ‘THIS ISNT THE BUDDIE SHOW YOU HAVE TO LIKE EVERY CHARACTER AND

[whattarush]

LOUD psa: you CAN only watch 911 for buddie. don’t let people try to make you feel bad because buddie is your sole reason for watching the show. to some people it IS the buddie show so just let everyone be happy!!!!!! do what makes YOU happy. thank.

[checkerflats]

Haven't been on tumblr in a long time. Felt like this was a decent place to write since nobody I know really uses tumblr anymore. I wanted to talk about my journey over the last few years and tumblr feels private enough a place to do so.

I moved to Florida 3 years ago (well as of this upcoming March) and at first life was decent. I tried to acclimate myself, stay healthy, positive, supportive, etc. At some point during that first year, I became incredibly depressed, nervous, anxious, overwhelmed trying to support myself (I did have a good friend group to help me) but down the line I had convinced myself I had a plan and that it was 'my plan, I thought of it' so instead of talking to the people I cared about and loved, I continued to try to do things in my own way.

A belief is a thought you have that you like. My belief was that I was the only one who could tell me what to do. And I never told myself to shut up and listen to people; realize they're saying what they're saying because they care. I became toxically selfish. I started judging my friends and peers opinions, being an asshole, being inconsiderate to everyone around me, unwilling to talk about my issues (and if I did I sounded like a narcissistic twat), etc.

To make a long story short, I resulted to drinking to cope with my overwhelmed thoughts and feelings. This isnt an excuse. It's just what happened. It in no way makes my behavior acceptable. In fact, anyone who knows me and how I act when drinking changes my thinking patterns would attest that it's only ever made anything worse. Even days or weeks without doing so, it affects me on such a negative level that negativity is the only lense through which I view the world and its inhabitants. I become the definition of nihilistic.

This led me to losing my friends, my loved ones, my job, housing, and ultimately respect from others and respect for myself. It was devastating and I did it to myself. After July of 2019 I started to refrain from drinking and honestly believed I had become the best version of myself. I got a new apartment, job, new friends who have still supported me to this day, albeit, upon making these leisurely friends who wanted to be wild, I felt I should--I wanted to participate. It was fun for a minute, and I was sober for about a month or two..

I'd begun to drink with them every now and then, never alone or at home, never two days in a row. I thought I could be a casual drinker. However, these friends and I stopped drinking for the most part, and begun to do a lot of acid (one thing I wouldn't say is neccesarily bad or addictive, in moderation) and a LOT of xanax. I started to learn a whole new meaning of 'fucked up' and went downhill faster than Jack and Jill could even imagine, baby!

By December, a friend and I decided we'd start doing cocaine. Fuck it, right? That got bad quick. It only lasted about 2 months on and off until we realized how crazy it was and that we needed to actually save our money (and sanity) so we stopped. By this point (March/April of 2020) I'd stopped doing everything other than weed. That inevitably led me straight back to drinking. This time it was everyday again, alone, at home, you get the point. When coronavirus hit I lost my job, couldn't find another anywhere therefore couldnt afford rent, was constantly in scary situations for 2 months (drunk), and decided it was best to GTFO and high tail it back to Ohio by May of 2020.

This took me months to realize, but I had so subtly slipped back into mass depression. Being back in Ohio, around triggers and friends who'd grown apart from me, I felt helpless and alone. I began drinking all the time. When I'd wake up, all throughout my shifts at work, at 2 am once the beers I'd had after work were buzzing off.. I was having the worst thoughts and feelings possible that I won't elaborate on because, again, I don't want to sound like I'm making excuses or even manipulating the perception of whoever might read this. I did this to myself. My behavior was absolutley unacceptable. I'd been put on probation for drinking, I'd been arrested for it even once in my own bed sound asleep (lets not go into how corrupt the law enforcement is in Mansfield, OH). The point is I'd broken the law and, regardless of the circumstances, the law is the law and it comes with consequences.

By October of 2020 I'd agreed that the best case of action was to go to a treatment center for addiction. The center was more or less a joke at first until a counselor committed to actually helping us started working there in mid-November. All in all being sober long enough to get back to a focused, rational, kind state of mind has put me in a euphoric state of content more so than any materialistic or temporary feeling that a substance or whatever else could bring me. Real peace is better than fake, self-driven delusion. I got released from the center today (1/13/21).

What I'm trying to get across is that if it wasnt for those who care for me after all the shit I've put them through, if I hadn't accepted I had a problem and my plan wasnt working, I'd still be that other guy. If you give up your ideals and listen to a 'Higher Power', (a 'God', a group of people as in power in numbers, a spiritual intuition that things happen for a reason and you agree you alone can't solve issues the same way you've tried 1000 times over and failed) whatever your view on that is, if you are willing to change and accept support you will be able to find genuine serenity.

That other guy is still in there. I have to continue working my program daily and catch myself if I slip up, be prepared to tell others, make amends (unless that would make things worse) and by all means listen to their advice in order to turn 4 months of sobriety (even from weed, but this is mostly about drinking) into 4 years, and so on. If you read all this (well first off, thank you, like.. golly!) and you are someone who knows me, then I'm sure that's hard to believe because everyone who knows me has heard me say before that 'I am quitting alcohol!' when in all honestly all those same people probably knew damn well I was just trying to convince them rather than myself and even if I did want to stop, I still had a desire to do it. That's where I can finally cut ties and announce that I, personally to myself, no longer have the desire for alcohol. Today. Right now. One day at a time. I despise it. It took my ambitions and spat them in my face along with my kindness, positivity, all my goals and loved ones like they all meant nothing and I am sick and tired of enabling that feeling. The world we live in is full addiction. Eating, technology, fame, money, power, caffeine, nicotone, sugar, sex, drugs, rock and roll--you get it okay? None of those will bring anything of substantial value or genuine joy. Being selfish will bring nothing but suffering. Be kind and loving. Love is salvation.

Once more, if you read all this, you're a saint and I thank you and hope your life, if not already, becomes (and continues to be) positive, peaceful and great. Love yourself, the best and worst. Face fear head on and never give up. Always lend a hand to those who clearly need it and if they turn it away like I did so many times, all you can do is hope and pray they'll get to the point of acceptance someday. I am so grateful for the oppurtunity I had to turn my life around. I am thankful for every single person who's come and gone and the help they offered before and after I actually admitted it was neccessary. I'll try and be of service to others when and where I can. Stay safe, world.

-cone

[freezeriafan]

Honestly i wish i knew whats going on with emery too. I feel like shes simply just a nasty person with no personal baggage. People like that exist - amii

PEOPLE LIKE THAT EXIST .... and i love that abt her i never want that to change .... But despite that I Just Keep Thinking abt what kind of person a sour nature like that would create...

UGH it's not your fault that i wrote paragraphs musing abt ur oc Emery . I just have a lot of thoughts . I'm like ... a fan. These are my fandom thoughts . IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT .. if u read it tho tell me ur thoughts bc you know emery more than i do obviously . IDK WHAT IM TALKING ABOUT but i say it anyway. Welcome to the shitshow

A lot of the time ppl perform behaviors bc of a root emotional cause but maybe it's reversed w Emery. She's already naturally a c*nt, she's stubborn, she's conceited, she's belligerent, she's inconsolable, she's egotistical; she always thinks she's right and always thinks that everyone is wrong; she refuses to change and learn and grow, and she refuses to believe that other people may be right sometimes and that they have their own valid feelings.

And's that's so funny she's so full of hubris im not advocating that that ever changes ever....I'm not even gonna say how there probably are a lot of things in her upbringing that shaped her nastiness .... bc i dont really care at all of that for her idk...she's not real.... But I do keep thinking abt what a nature like that would do to a person .

She has no close friends bc she drives them off and bc she needs to be better than everyone. She probably just believes that that's how life works; I don't know if she knows what real comradery feels like, what playful fraternizing is.

By nature she never admits fault and always pushes the blame onto someone else; this means that she never has to reconcile with shame or guilt or embarrassment. This creates a person who CAN'T reconcile with those things, she never built a tolerance, no idea how to even begin handling that. If she's always right why would she feel shame? And in the instance that she does something regrettable - If she's always right then why would she do something that causes shame? That's just not in line with her self image at all. Was is someone else's fault, or is she a powerful individual with deliberate volition? If she's always right, how does she address real internal confliction? If she rationalizes it all away at the first hint of self-doubt, then how long can she actually tolerate a healthy amount of shame when it arises?

I think it was brought up before but maybe not that while she's stubborn, she Will change her opinion if it keeps her in the right. So like if she does something unwonted or that would put her in the losing end of the argument, she will change her tune in order to preserve herself. That fluidity is more sustainable and realistic then being one way and always one way, but that two-facedness WILL drive everyone away and will weaken the stability of the hill she's trying to die on.

BUT EVEN WITH THAT FLUIDITY OF VALUES, If she's hellbent on being right all of the time and asserting herself first, then there's never room for honest listening and mindful growth. So she's essentially been climbing through the multitudes of life as one shape. Awful. She must feel like a lobster stuck in its own shell but she wouldn't know enough to know it. She never introspects enough to realize when she changes her opinions and when she doesn't, much less notice when the person she is now just isnt working. Doesn't she get bored of that? Does she ever want something different?

If she did begin to tire of herself, how would she rationalize that? What would it look like?

If she did want something different, would she get it, and then change her tune to match? Where are her limits? Is she just a shifting morph of desires? I mean that's a valid philosophy abt humans, that everything abt us is just the result of desires. But Emery definitely acts like she's solid and that she knows best and that she's reliable, unlike some other snakes in her life, an that incongruity is noticeable.

Even if she's full of self-serving fire by nature, I keep thinking about how she's a mean angry person STILL ... at her age... like she never mellowed out... never stopped putting her fire out there....like it never really got out there. Was never really heard? Never really got to burn? Does she crave vindication? Is there an ounce of something sympathetic in her character? What sort of reverence and attention does she need that she hasn't already bullied her way into getting?

I know she's incredibly self-serving, but has she ever shown herself sensitivity? I don't think she knows what tough love is when it comes to herself. It seems she gives herself everything she wants, all the rights to argue and to stand her ground, but never the softhearted consideration of how she's a multifaceted individual, and never the forgiveness after a healthy amount of self-doubt.

IDK. But I do keep thinking about the idea that the human brain can only put off something for so long. For example people can repress things for a long time or overwork themselves for a long time but there will be a point where their subconscious snaps and demands to be heard . That's when ppl have breakdowns, and they can be out of commission for years; it's an incredibly tough state to be in.

and idk I Keep Thinking abt how Emery cannot be so stubborn and insensitive forever something has GOT to happen at some point. She wouldn't listen to external forces, something inside has got to shift .. she's got to start reconciling with SOMETHING .. she's a grown ass adult she cant play the fool and play the victim forever .. she cant pretend she doesnt know the push and pull of life.... nobody is really THAT dense are they ?

IDK !!! I think I'm just approaching this at the completely wrong angle. She probably gives a little and then just reclimbs the podium to where it had shifted to; she has a superiority complex that really isn't that complex; she doesn't like to share her victories like how Quinn doesn't like to share her prey; she's of a generation; she's not interested in learning new things or changing her ways; she's a c*nt and that's FINE. Ughhhhhhh . She's on her way out anyway . Thanks for the homophobic papa louie oc . Gives me smth to rant abt . THANKS. Bye

[tomiyeee]

finished the story quests for bl3 (but barely any of the side missions yet) and i got...Opinions(tm)

(sorry if this doesn’t cut on mobile! also if you want to hide spoilers i’m tagging all my bl3 posts as “bl3 spoilers” so ny’all can blacklist it)

in no particular order:

i honestly wanted to give gearbox some slack and try my best to like this game bc i know people had probably unfairly high expectations for this game given all the build up, but they really just kept letting me down in everything but the graphics

said this before but overall, the characters are all Quite lackluster

^^ tyreen and troy included. adding the word "bitch" to every sentence does not automatically make it funnier

that being said, i super love their backstory + relationship with typhon/nekofeyo-whatever

the character designs are equally boring. moxxi was the only one who got a real improvement imo. lilith and maya are okay. rhys...i dont think i have to explain. lia...i dislike her hair; the black felt like it balanced out her design better and the white streak was interesting and cool but full white just looks bad tbh. zer0 feels less sleek and more bulky which doesnt fit him much. tina lost her pretty color palette and cute outfit. where are all the bright pretty color palettes in general???? there are other colors besides brown and black???? use them?????

ending of pre-sequel: “you will need all the vault hunters you can get” me: “ooh does that mean all the vh’s from previous games are back? i can’t wait to see everyone meet each other! :D” bl3: only nine of them come back, 3 of them die, the rest are involved in maybe one mission at most

boss fights. super. boring. and tedious. i mean this could be partly because i was playing on ps4 which made it extra not fun but if the only reason the fight is difficult is because they have a lot of health...it's not fun or challenging. i want fights like handsome jack with interesting mechanics. i want fights like angel with emotional impact. i want fights like the pre-sequel final boss that i forgot the name of with variation that isnt just "now they have an attack that shines bright lights in ur eyes, covers the whole arena, and can knock you down in one hit im looking at you traunt and killavolt". tyreens fight was the only one that i somewhat enjoyed because of this. all the others were just like "ughhhh again?"

im really enjoying melee amara playstyle. taking out badass enemies in four hits is my jam. this is just my fallout 4 playthrough all over again babey heck yea

typhon just wanted to be a good dad!!! he called tyreen starlight which is adorable!!! he did the best he could and tyreen hated him for it!!! i don’t blame either of them for that tbh, it makes sense from both their perspectives. tyreen definitely should have been more understanding, but she’s a dick so :/ (not saying this is a writing flaw, just a character flaw)

hammerlock needs higher standards in men but i really appreciate the undeniably in-your-face "fuck you" to all gamer dudes

i really. hate. how little the player character seems to matter in the story. in pre-sequel the vh's all had unique dialogue AND npcs would respond, sometimes even with character-specific lines. even when it was the same across vh's, it still felt like the npcs were interacting and speaking directly to them. the player character felt like a character of their own, rather than just a vessel for the player to do quests and kill enemies with or an errand runner for the important characters. i thought that was the direction they were going in with bl3 too but this just feels like bl2 only worse. there’s a separation again between you and the story and it feels like you’re just watching things happen. now ur not just a silent protagonist, but instead your a speaking protagonist who gets completely ignored. whats the point of including unique dialogue if it's not even acknowledged beyond an "uh-huh, moving on"?

sometimes the logic just feels kinda dumb. the twins killed/disabled maya and lilith in a heartbeat, they can literally disintegrate the most powerful beings in the universe, but the vault hunters? absolutely not. they must fight them for 40 minutes and then die.

after the fight with troy, no one even touched tyreen. there's no way they could have thought "yup she's definitely dead, no need to shoot her in the head or anything just to make sure. we didn't do anything to even hurt her, we just assumed." turns out she's 100% alive and gets up to start the apocalypse. who'da thunk! i know they wanted the end to seem more dramatic but it just seems stupid that they could have stopped tyreen like 5 missions earlier had they even the slightest bit of common sense.

lilith was one of the biggest threats to tyreen and troy's whole plan. of course they should leave her alive and simply steal her powers. let's kill the monk siren instead.

i know they didn't include this to give all players a fair experience instead of favoring sirens, but it kinda sucks playing a siren character and it's just completely ignored outside of ur action skill. tyreen and troy are sapping siren powers left and right, but they choose to leave you with yours. when you enter the eridian place with typhon tannis starts glowing because it has "something to do with sirens". what about the one standing right next to her? this applies to bl2 as well...jack i would willingly charge ur vault key for u pls why do u take lilith instead :'(

oh yeah speaking of tannis! i LOVE that she got angels powers. for some reason it just makes me really happy. maybe it's bc i think it's sweet that part of angel survived. maybe it's because it makes for cool fanart. maybe it's just cool. idk. also like that we got a solid explanation of what angel's powers were (influence over technology). i always thought her having control over it in bl2 might've been cuz it was hyperion tech and she had access to it same as she had access to the satellite from bl1. it wasn't super clear since it seemed like she could also materialize things like the ammo during her fight.

that also reminds me: all the dramatic reveals in this game felt kinda badly done.

the very first one with zer0/katagawa. like the whole time i was walking around looking for him i was trying to think why he might've turned/something must have happened to him or rhys. everyone was saying it was undeniably zer0. i finally meet him and take one look at his bright ass maliwan armor and its like. really. you couldnt have made it anymore obvious that thats not zer0. and then his helmet gets knocked off and surprise! it's not him. i totally didnt already figure that out with one glance 10 seconds ago. (maybe even earlier when you got glimpses of him around the building but i always missed it cuz i was looking at the fish tanks n shit)

also the tannis reveal. she was speaking to me in the same way that only known siren characters could. weird unexplained things were happening and seemed to be related to tannis. i wonder if she's a siren? surprise! she's a siren.

tyreen and troy knew about the great vault through some unknown means. typhon was talking about having a son and a daughter who he told stories about the great vault. typhon calls tyreen his daughter a while later and lilith acts surprised like honey ur a little slow, i figured that out several lines ago.

basically i'm not saying they were so obvious that i knew from the beginning of the game; i only figured them out a little before they were outright stated. but it was enough that it kinda ruined the effect and the characters acting surprised only when it was blatantly spelled out for them just made it annoying.

i feel like most of this is pretty negative, but i don’t mean that i hate the game and was miserable playing it. it was honestly okay...like i said i wanted to like it, but gearbox hates me specifically and killed/ruined all my faves just to spite me sooo...*waves hand back and forth in a sort of “ehhh” gesture*. i think my opinion on bl games from most to least fav would be: tftbl, bltps, bl2, bl3, and bl1. so it’s not the worst, but deeefinitely not one of my faves. i mean jack’s not in it (or if he is he doesn’t have a big role) so it’s already at a huge disadvantage. the ending was ok, it was all dramatic n stuff and it kinda makes sense i guess, but it was just about as okay as the rest of the game really. i don’t hate it but it’s not great either yknow?

[tacittherapist]

Heartbeats quicken. The tremors return. Rose opens her laptop, glancing about to make sure she’s alone. Gods forbid anyone, especially Jade, see her revisit one of her lowest points. She craves it -- to know the bitter ennui of her past mistakes is a nectar that keeps her reality grounded and the fire under her lit. This particular memory is perhaps the worst mistake of her young life though, and to correct it would be to supp deep from the ichor of sweet relief. She pulls up the log...

tacitTherapist [TT] started trolling grimAuxiliary [GA].

TT: So. GA: So TT: It’s come to this. GA: Indeed It Has TT: And you’re still not budging. GA: Consider My Position Entirely Unmoved TT: Entirely? That seems a bit harsh. GA: This Is A Harsh Reality TT: I imagined you’d have at least granted me the niceties and lied about how malleable your convictions are. GA: Rose GA: What Is There Left To Say GA: We Have A Crucial Difference In Opinion That Cannot Be Reconciled GA: We Have Iterated Our Arguments To Each Other For Days Without Relent GA: The Underlying Basis To This Disagreement Is Presupposed On The Notion That This Infernal Game Has Shown You The Right Course Of Action Without Any Other Supporting Evidence That It Isnt Simply Lying To You Once Again TT: They aren’t lies, they’re possibilities. GA: But Only One Of Them Will Happen To Us GA: The Rest Dont Matter GA: Thus They Are Lies And There Is Just One Truth TT: Couching your beliefs that way is what I disagree with. GA: Then You Arent Fucking Listening GA: Only One Of Those Timelines Will Be The One We Are In GA: So Forgive Me If I Buttress My Language In Solipsistic Idiom GA: Unless You Can Give Me More Than One Percent Assurance That We Will All Make It Through This By Jumping On This Fantastic Savior Satellite GA: I Cannot Support Your Idea And I Suggest You Let It Go TT: I can’t. GA: I Know GA: Thats Why Theres Nothing Left To Say TT: I disagree. I think there are a variety of things left to say. GA: Do They Relate To The Problem At Hand Or Are You Stalling TT: Irrelevant. The impetus of communication isn’t inherently problem-solving, it’s to convey meaning. GA: The Impetus Does Solve A Problem GA: You Want To Convey Meaning So The Solution Is Communication TT: Semantics. I’m saying there are other avenues of thought we must explore first. GA: Rose According To You We Are Running Out Of Time GA: Is This Truly How You Want To Spend Your Last Moments With Us GA: Bickering Pointlessly On Separate Computers To Avoid Devolving Into Another Shouting Competition Which Karkat Invariably Wins TT: Would you rather I pivot into sweet nothings about how I’ve so enjoyed our time together on this desolate rock? TT: Would you rather I spin the yarn of our tale aboard this distant laboratory, slowly starving as our grist cache dwindles? TT: Must I recount our feeding calendar in which we literally take turns stemming the hunger pangs until we all eventually succumb to malnutrition and sickness simultaneously? GA: No TT: Then this is how I’m spending my last moments. Quite presumptuous of you to assume I’ve made up my mind as well. For all you know, I could be swayed and end up staying here. GA: Given You Were Just Eviscerating My Position Mere Seconds Ago As To Why We Should Stay Here Im Sufficiently Certain You Wont TT: That’s another issue. Your certainty. The Light has shown me countless avenues to success. There are literally endless timelines in which we follow my advice and everyone meets up to finish the game. TT: And yet you’re somehow unwaveringly certain that none of them will occur? GA: Your Argument Swings Both Ways TT: I don’t appreciate the implicit reference to my confusing sexuality, but go on. GA: If There Are Countless Possibilities In Which We Succeed Following Your Idea Then There Are Also Countless Possibilities In Which We Succeed Not Following Your Idea GA: Its Two Infinities GA: The Question Lies In Which Infinity Is Bigger TT: That makes no sense, infinity is infinity. GA: Yes But Some Infinities Are Larger Or Smaller Than Others GA: Some Infinities Are Not Even Truly Infinity But We Consider Them Infinity For The Sake of Mathematics TT: How does that make even remote sense? GA: While You Were Studying The Majyyk I Was Reading The Calculus TT: I didn’t realize I was speaking to Jade’s pupil. GA: You Arent GA: If I Were Jades Pupil Wed Have Met Up By Now And We Wouldnt Be Having This Inane Conversation TT: But you can become her pupil! If you just come with me. Trust me, Kanaya. Please. GA: I Trust You Rose GA: But I Cannot Go With You GA: Look GA: The Prophecy Satellite Is On The Horizon GA: You Have Not Much Time TT: Technically I have all the time I need. GA: Dave Has Sworn Off His Powers And You Know This TT: He can be convinced. GA: If Your Powers Of Persuasion On Him Are Anything Like They Are On Me I Highly Doubt That TT: Fuck you. GA: Rose

A pregnant pause passes as Rose looks over on the horizon. The satellite is indeed coming into view.

TT: I’m sorry, Kanaya. TT: I love you. GA: I Love You Too Rose GA: But This Is Goodbye TT: It doesn’t have to be. GA: What GA: Didnt We Just Go Over That Im Not Coming With You And That You Arent Staying Here TT: Yes. But if you don’t say goodbye, it means we’ll meet again. GA: Rose This Is Childish TT: If you don’t say goodbye, it isn’t the end. GA: This Is The End Rose TT: It isn’t the end. I’ll see you again. I’ll find John and Jade by myself and we’ll come get you. GA: How GA: How Long Will It Take To Find Them GA: And How Will You Find Us If You Ever Do GA: This Laboratory Is Bound To Continue Drifting Even After You Depart GA: We Wont Stay Frozen In Place Once You Leave GA: This Isnt Like One Of Those Trashy Rainbowdrinker Books You Devoured GA: This Is Real Rose GA: You Must Face This Truth TT: We are the shapers of our world. GA: Not This Again TT: We determine our own fate. GA: Rose This Is A Quote From Another Novel Please Dont Do This TT: We mold the physical to our whims and thrust it forward through our own designs. We shape destiny. We reject that which displeases us and create our own reality. TT: Can you really not indulge me? As this one last act of kindness? GA: I Will Allow You One Kindness But It Will Not Be This TT: Fine. As my last act of kindness from you, I want... GA: It Cannot Be Something Ridiculous TT: I want you to forget me. GA: What The Fuck Did I Just Say TT: Hear me out. TT: If truly everything we’ve been through thus far has meant so little that you can’t put your faith in my decision, I want you to forget it. TT: It will be as if it never happened. I was merely a phantom in this session, and should I somehow return (against your predictions), I will get to vindictively rub it in your face. TT: But if you’re right, and I never return, the pain for you is lessened. You were never in a relationship with me, so there’s nothing to mourn. I never existed. Things were simply bad, and my nagging insistence to redirect our course was never there. TT: I want you to forget me. GA: Rose You Know I Cant Do That TT: Not even for me? As your last kindness? GA: It Would Not Be Kind To Invalidate The Memories You Ensured We Would Create GA: It Would Not Be Kind To Devalue Everything You Have Done For Us GA: And I Still Cherish Those Memories Even If They Led To Something Painful TT: It will only cause you more pain if you hold onto them. I don’t want you to suffer. GA: I Want To Suffer These Memories GA: They Offer Me Some Reassurance TT: But not enough to convince you to join me. GA: No

Rose stops typing, a nerve in her snapping. Her face goes beet-red, despair swelling into wrath. She sets her claws to the keyboard once more.

TT: Then if not by your grace, I’ll make you forget through spite. GA: What TT: I want to be forgotten. I want my existence to be erased from this failure of a timeline. I never loved you. You meant nothing to me. GA: Rose TT: My departure will be a curse upon you unless you forget. Whether by magic or by will, you must forget me. All those memories I made with you meant nothing. I did those things only to ensure my own survival. Your presence was happenstance at best. TT: Now that I’m heading out on my own, our destinies are uncoupled. Whatever happens to you is beneath me. I am taking the path to victory, and you can all squander the rest of your miserable lives here. TT: I won’t come back for you. I gave you all the chances I had. This is your fault. GA: Rose Please Dont Do This TT: You won’t see me again. I’m getting on that satellite and I’m not looking back. Even if I am to die, alone on a satellite, it will be a Heroic death as the only one with any sense not to continue a cursed existence on this fucking rock. TT: I will live with only a spectre of guilt that I didn’t forcibly coerce you onto the satellite with me, chastising myself for respecting your wishes and letting you choose your own demise. TT: That is all. Goodbye.

tacitTherapist [TT] stopped trolling grimAuxiliary [GA].

True to her word, Rose closed her laptop and walked briskly to the edge of the floating laboratory to wait for the satellite to pass by. Sheer anger coursed through her veins, hoping that would mask her true intent. She had never displayed that kind of fury before, let alone to Kanaya. If she played her cards right, Kanaya might still join her, moved by the pure strength of her conviction. But there was no hesitant hand on her shoulder, begging her to stay or to join her. There was no last-second plea, no ‘Rose Wait’, and not even a footstep in her general direction as she waited.

Resigned, she boarded the satellite, breaking her word and casting a desperate glance back as the satellite continued its course away. Through the tiny window, she could see Kanaya simply looking down at her grubtop, her face stained jade. Regret swelled, and for just a second, she could feel herself begin to open the hatch and jump back towards the meteor. But the second passed, and soon she was out of range to give even a cursory wave goodbye.

The same tears begin to stream down her face as she closes the pesterlog and wraps her sheets tighter around her shoulders. She can’t keep putting off her meeting with Cetus forever... but she still doesn’t know how she’ll reckon with the shadow of her failed ploy.

[teamvnla]

Cutscene ; Search

The suites that Jae and older hunters were staying in was much larger and far nicer than the loft Lye and the boys shared, partly why they decided for it to be their meeting place.

Russ stood behind Opal gaze watching her immaculate set up of scrolls and monitors. "You're not gonna find anything about any White Fang rallies through this, it all ground work. How do you think they've managed to get so far without getting caught." He pointed out, he had nearly slipped up refering to the Fang. He knew it would come out sooner rather than later, but if Van wasn't going to say anything yet he wasn't either.

"....that is true, then I assume you have a plan for how to find out about the next rally?" She asked turning to look as Russ her eyes scanning him for anything out of the ordinary, out of the group she could find nothing about Russet or Kashmere. That could be chalked up to them simply being good kids who didn't have anything on their records, but they acted like Huntsman so they were clearly trained well. It didn't sit right, even trying to glean information from Jae led her nowhere since he knew as little about them as she did.

"Yeah, I figured Van, Kash, and I'll go do some scoutin' and stuff." He glanced towards said males who were sitting at the kitchen counter going over something on Van's scroll. "Shouldn't take us more than an hour."

The three boys left the suite leaving Lye alone with Jae and the three Hunters, she had a lingering feeling that Leo pointing out how her feeling showed easily on her face was the cause of her being left behind. She sat at the counter, going over the information on her scroll again. She had to find a way to make herself useful....

"You cut your hair." Jae sat down across from her setting a mug of tea before her.

Lye blinked coming out of her thoughts, she brought a hand to her hair. She had grown use to it that she had stopped noticing how big of a change it was. "And you grew yours out." She pointed out with a soft smile.

"Yeah, not really intentionally." He responded with a soft chuckle. "When you're so busy that the choice is a nap or a hair appointment, your hair isnt too much of a priority." He joked, the dark circles under his eyes showed that he likely still wasn't getting enough sleep.

"How long have you been with them?" She asked nodding toward the adults who were all occupied with their own tasks.

"Around four months now? Maybe five." Jae brought his mug of coffee to his lips taking a sip realizing he wasn't quite sure how long he had been with the remaining members of his fathers team.

"So a minute, huh? Well catch me up on thing, how're your parents and Dia? How'd you end up here? Oh! What's with the new case, it waaaaay too big to be Champions Blade." She leaned forward, the last time she felt this relaxed and comfortable was when they were still in school. Being able to grasp onto the similar feeling for just a moment was rare.

Blinking at the questions being thrown at him he paused, setting down his coffee mug he glanced to where Silverlights case rested against the wall. "In that case is Silverlight, my father's old weapon...." he began, staring at the case for a moment.

"Woah, you have to show me it. When did he give it to you?"

"Ah....well he didn't? Not technically..." He paused trying to collect his thoughts. "He died." He stated bluntly, Lye's eyes widened in shock.

"I'm so sorry, I..." She struggled to find the right words to say.

"No, it's fine. You didn't know, it happened about a week after we got back to Atlas. Finally succumbed to his injuries, or something along the lines." He explained clearing his throat as he idly rolled one of the button of his fathers coat that he now wore, talking about his father's death still caused his chest to ache and his throat to tighten yet he still pushed on. "Tarragon came looking for him and found me instead, I guess she thought I would be a good enough fit for this job. Around the same time my mother found some stuff they managed to salvage from the shop and she gave me a key, turns out it was the locker where my father stashed Silverlight after his accident." He explained taking another sip of his coffee. 

"Don't worry, I'll show you it later. I'm sure Leo will want to size you guys up anyways, hes a tough guy but he means well. Most of the time." He gaze a slight smile attempting to lighten to mood, seeing that Jae seemed to want to move on Lye gave a soft smile and continued on to another topic. She was sure he would tell her more when he was ready.

------

It was just under a hour when Van, Kash, and Russ returned. The two groups gather around the counter, everyone looked at the boys expectantly.

"Looks like we're in Tagetes' grace, turns out theres a rally planned for tomorrow night." Van explained as he set down his scroll which projected a map up between them, he pointed out where the rally would be held.

"So plan is, my group will head down to the rally and act as normal White Fang members. Either try to get information on these owl guys you're so keen or anything about the attack the other night." He stood straight looking over the group for any objections, when refering to his group he had gestured to both Kash and Russ as well as Lye. Which surprised her, she had thought he was upset at her.

"I'll have to mic you four up before you leave." Opal informed, noticing the look of uncertainty she received from Kash she continued. "There likely wont be any camera in that warehouse for use to use, we can't be completely left in the dark on this."

"That's..fair.." Kash muttered with a shrug, it didn't feel right to let and group of humans basically sit in on a rally. He had to remind himself that he wasn't apart of the Whire Fang anymore, he no longer had a loyalty to them.

"So while you prepare that stuff, I think it's about time we get a looks at what we're working with." Leo directed the conversation, Opal, Cherry, and Jae knew this was bound to happen. Van quirked a brow at the older male. "We're going to go ahead and set up a little mock battle for a nice demonstration."

"Isn’t it too short of notice at any training gyms?"

"What do you think I've been doing for this past hour?" Leo lips quirked into a grin. "Well, let's get goin' before the sun goes down."

———

The training gym wasn’t to far from the hotel, a rather easy walk. Leo had mentioned on the way that the gym was sponsored by the company Cherry was under. Which explained how they managed to schedule a rooom so easily.

“So what’s the plan? This room doesn’t look big enough for a fulll team spar.” Van pointed out looking around the room.

“No, no, we’re not doing a team spar. Jae having the three of us on a team would make it way too easy, we wouldn’t get a good read of your skill levels.” Leo shook his head with a laugh, in the short time he had been around Van he could tell the boy was confident. Such confidence rarely came out of thin air, he had to have had something to back it up and Leo couldn’t wait to see what. “Since I’ve been the one mainly in charge of training this guy.” He drapes an arm over Jae��s shoulders. “I figure he’s the best control point, think you could handle four matches?”

“.....” Jae paused gaze rolling over the four Faunus. “Just call the match when you get whatever information you need.” He muttered hand rubbing the side of his neck as the weight of Leo was removed as he stood.

“Great, so I already have the order decided. Van will be up first, then Lye, then Russet and Kashmere.” He clapped his hands deciding, it was obvious he wasn’t open to opinions on his line up.

Opal had already went about setting up the barrier for the spar, she had to take a moment to link the scrolls to the monitors so that they could get a read on each of the young adults aura level during the match. Both Van and Jae took their places on opposing sides of the platform, Lye, Russ, and Kash took a seat on the nearby bench to observe both the spar and screens Opal had up. The tension from the other day was still evident the moment the two boys made eye contact across the training room

Lye was used to Jae’s stoic expressions especially during a fight, but not Van’s. He usually had a cheeky grin spread across his face, he always wanted to show his opponent how unaffected he was.

On the other hand, Kash and Russ had seen this look before. They were rare occasion, but those moments had been impactful enough to stick with them. Seeing it now told them that there was something that Van was genuinely upset over, but in this moment they had no clue what it could be.

“Start.” Leo simply stated.

Jae had run over everything he knew of Van’s fighting style in his head, despite some time having passed they had still spent nearly four years together fighting against each other and side by side. Van always seemed to have everything figured out, so not much could have changed. Jae on the other hand, had to start over and learn something new. However, he had three professional Hunters to guide him through. He wasn’t the same student as he was back at Beacon. So the moment Van had charged forward he did as well, Leo and Tarragon throughout their training with him had emphasized the importance of him not only focusing on defensive tactics.

This was a change Van hadn’t been expecting, there was a vague glint of surprise in his eyes. The first hit was thrown by Jae, he had swung wide with Silverlight. An improvement in style and a new weapon? Jae had certainty changed since they had last fought, Van however didn’t allow himself to give the dark hair boy any sort of praise in the momment. He ducked easily dodging the swing, he swayed left removing Crosshare from the magnetic holder on his back.

Jae recognized the move, he knew it was a feint that Van used to gauge reactions of a new opponent. The blow would come from the right, is what he had thought until he watched the golden glint of Crosshare swinging straight towards his face. He brought up Silverlight to block the attack.

At the same time with a swift twist of his body Van had brought a leg up aiming a kick on the right side, he pushed a breath out of his nose in reaction to Jae removing a hand from his swords handle to catch Van’s leg. Jae pushed off Van’s weapon and attempted to twist Van’s leg in a turn, one thing that hadn’t changed between the two boys was the clear difference in their physical strength. It was made obvious that Jae was the stronger of the two as he found Van with ease, Van adjusted his hands rolling with the momentum of the throw to get back to his feet at a running start.

He came running back at Jae, twirling Crosshare causing it to shift into it’s sniper form, he turned the head to the ground hopping he planted his feet before firing a shot to launch himself into the air. He long rabbit ears grazed the ceiling of training room. Jae held a forearm to the base of Silverlight, the base shifted and folded around his arm, in the process releasing the long sword from the center of the larger blade which now resembled a shield. This was a feature he had only recently learned about, Leo had wanted him to get use to Silverlight as a whole before exploring the other features. He fumbled with grabbing the sword as he also had to bring up the shield to catch Van.

The rabbit landed on the shield, a clang resounded in the training room as the metal of his bat met the metal of Jae’s sword. The sword shimmered a light blue at the point of impact, it was an odd to not feel the sensation of the impact being transferred into his arm. Something of his Father’s creation, he had designed the sword to be able to store momentum.

Jae’s hold on the handle of the sword was clumsy, this didn’t go unnoticed by Van as he leaned more of his weight on the sword. “I get that you’ve got a new team and toys..” Van spoke up as he leaned closer while pushing his sword. “But don’t get overconfident here.” He stated raising his bat before slamming it down on the sword knocking it out of Jae’s hand, he jumped up lifting a leg and flipping down hitting the shield. The sudden lack of weight and reintroduced weight and force had thrown Jae off balance, leading him to stumble back nearly tripping over himself. Before he could bring the shield still on his arm back in to guard himself he was met with the barrel of Crosshare’s sniper right in front of him.

“Alright, that’s as good enough a place to call it as any.” Leo’s voiced carried over to the two boys, a small part of Jae couldn’t help but feel relieved.

Van returned Crosshare to his back and took a seat next to Kash on the bench. Opal was surprised at the level headedness Van maintained through the spar, to Lye, Kash, and Russ it showed Van’s impatience with the fight an act more of emotion than a calculation.

“You ready for the next round?” Leo asked as Jae returned the sword to the center of Silverlight, Jae looked over his shoulder and gaze a small nod. Leo looked towards Lye, gesturing for her to go take a spot on the other side of the court.

Lye hurriedly made her way over, she took a deep breath. It made her nervous having three official Hunters watching her, especially knowing that she wasn’t at her top performance.

This round went differently from Van and Jae’s, it felt almost like a presentation for class. However, having been her partner at Beacon Jae could tell Lye was off. Her speed had dropped, and she was holding her attacks that were directed at him and not his weapon. He could see the panic in her eyes when the major blade of her ballet shoe grazed his cheek. He knew the reason for the panic, but held his tongue.

Leo had called the match, next up was Russet. This spar felt a bit more equally matched, both males faired rather well. They would be good partners in the field with Jae’s familiarity with a large weapon and using it for a defensive style and Russ’s familiarly with his large axe and using it for a more offensive style.

———

“You don’t have a weapon?” Tarragon questioned surprised.

“Eh, he’s more of a scout.”

“But can he fight?”

“I don’t have a traditional weapon, but I can fight....”

“So you’re proficient in hand to hand?”

“Yeah and...” He paused looking towards Van for permission seemingly.

“Go on.”

Kashmere looked around, he moved his arm. Quills extended from his finger tips, as his free hand popped the lid off the canteen on his hip. His eyes shown an icy blue as the quills fired from his finger tips, as they flew a water coated around them before freezing into a jagged shard of ice. The ice covered quills stuck into the wall of the training room.

No one on COAL had immediately assumed that Kashmere was a Faunus, they did have their suspicions with the fact he had went out to look for the search for information on the next White Fang rally. The question was confirmed before it had the chance to come out.

“Alright, I’ve got what I needed for this. Unless you two need something I say everyone free to go home.” Leo glanced to Opal and Tarragon, both women shook their heads.

———

As Van scrubbed shampoo into his hair he ran over the mock battles at the training gym. Leo kept flashing in his mind, he had said he wanted to gauge their abilities. Yet the entire times he was watching the fight, it didn’t feel like he was watching the fights. He was watching something else, but what?

[curls-cat]

“The mountains are calling and I must skedaddle." + jakeming for the writing prompts if it isnt too late?

(also posted on AO3)

Jake is meeting Charming for lunch. They haven’t made plans or anything, but, well, it’s Thursday, and for a few months now, they’ve both sort of happened to be getting lunch at The Blue Plate Special on Thursdays, and it’s become a Thing. Or maybe just a thing, no capital T.

It’s a beautiful day, as far as February goes. It snowed a few days ago, and the sun is shining bright and cold, making the snow sparkle. If you don’t look too closely at the edges of the road, where things are mostly mud and gravel, Ferryport Landing looks picturesque. The Blue Plate Special, too, looks like a diner straight off a postcard, all chrome and glass and bright red paneling.

Jake parks the jalopy and gives her a loving pat on the hood on the way out. It’s amazing that she’s still running, despite everything that his mom has put her through. Now that he’s home more often, he’s started giving the car more regular tune-ups, and he thinks, if he plays his cards right, he can get her up and running again. He’ll even do it the long way, instead of just using a spell or two. His mom would like that.

Inside, Jake is hit with a blast of hot air, and he looks around for Will, unwrapping the scarf from his neck. The heat in the jalopy still isn’t working, and he’s bundled up well against the cold.

There’s Will, seated at the far end of the counter, up by the far wall and the little hallway that leads to the bathrooms and the kitchen. Jake gives him a bright smile and heads over to join him.

Will smiles back at him. It’s a much more reserved smile, but of course it is. Will would never be so uncouth as to show his teeth when he smiles. It’s a genuine look, and that’s what matters.

Jake hangs his coat up on the wall next to Will, stuffing his scarf, hat, and gloves into one of the pockets. The coat, hung directly on top of Charming’s, is getting into Will’s space a little bit.  Will gives him a brief, aggrieved look, then says, “I ordered you a coffee.”

Jake wonders, ever so briefly, if he’ll ever be able to think of coffee without thinking about Briar. Maybe not. Today is a good day, though, so he smirks a little at the way Will has to sit on the side of his stool to keep from getting coat sleeve all up in his face, and sits down next to him. Their shoulders brush. Will is even warmer than the rest of the room, and Jake finds himself relaxing into the accidental touch.

Maybe he leans into it, a little, but he’s not thinking about that. Every interaction with Will feels… tentative, fragile. Like Jake is handling something precious, and if he goes into this too roughly, if he even tries to name it, that will be the end.

Will has a plate from the salad bar in front of him, and Jake snags a tomato off of it, mostly succeeding in not getting dressing on his fingers. Will makes a face, but doesn’t say anything.

Jake orders, and their food comes out at the same time. (Does this officially make them regulars? Probably.) Will got an omelette, even though it’s well past breakfast time and the afternoon cook, in Jake’s opinion, is not nearly as good at hash browns as the morning one. Jake picked something random off the burger menu, and it comes out hot and greasy and far too tall to fit into the average human mouth. It appears to have both avocado and a fried egg on top of the patty.

Jake may have made a mistake.

Will laughs a little in disbelief at Jake’s food, but he still takes the offered bite. Juice dribbles onto his chin, and Jake tries hard not to stare at it.

Instead, he says, “You’ve got a little, um,” and points, reaching out and drawing back tentatively with his own napkin. Then, when Will just looks at him, he very carefully wipes off Will’s lower lip and chin. Their skin doesn’t touch, but it still feels very, very intimate.

This is when Snow appears.

Jake knows it’s Snow because Will looks at the door and goes stiff. He’s managed, somehow, to learn Will’s expressions, and that one, caught between longing, fear, and something angry? It belongs to Snow.

He’s not jealous (and even if he was, he wouldn’t dare name it so), but he does ache for Will every time he sees that look.

Jake draws back the napkin and turns to look at Snow. He gives her the best smile he can manage.

“Hi, boys,” she says, even though she’s only looking at Will. “Didn’t expect to see you here.”

They’re broken up, they’re never getting back together, Will told him so right before he made it abundantly clear that he never wanted to talk about it again, and Jake still feels like he’s in the middle of a private moment, so sure that he’s never going to be able to compare to a love that’s written into the very fabric of your existence.

Will is saying something about the diner. It sounds inane and stilted, and Jake doesn’t process it properly.

He has to get out of here, has to escape the tension between Snow and Will, has to let them have this again--

“Well,” he says, loudly and abruptly, interrupting one of them--both of them, probably-- “the mountains are calling and I must skedaddle!”

He pushes off the counter and stands, then reaches around Will for his coat, trying to keep his face stiff and ignore the fact that Snow and Will have finally stopped staring at each other to look at him, baffled. He’s definitely blushing. Stupid german blush gene.

“You haven’t even started eating,” Will says. He sounds… disappointed?

“Too bad, gotta go, I’ve got--important. Y’know. Things. To do.”

“In the mountains,” Snow says slowly.

“Yup,” Jake says He stuffs his hands into his gloves. One of them goes on backwards, so he pulls it off and tries again.

“In February,” Snow says, still sounding confused and a little concerned.

G-d, did her seriously say that? What a dork. Will’s definitely not going to want--

Well.

Anyway.

He gets his gloves on properly and starts wrapping his scarf around his neck. “When the call for adventure hits, you’ve gotta listen, y’know?” he says, trying to sound cheerful and nonchalant instead of awkward and uncomfortable and desperate to escape. Maybe he’ll just wrap his whole face in his scarf.

“Can’t say I’ve ever experienced that,” Snow says, She’s eyeing him oddly as he wraps his hat over his face, as if she can’t figure out just why he’s acting like this.

“You can’t wait half an hour?” Will asks, and he’s switched from confused and disappointed to almost sad.

Honestly, did neither of them feel the way their tension was filling up the whole building, suffocating everyone else? And now Will wants him to sta? For more of that? No thank you.

“Nope, must go right now, gotta visit those… mountains. Y’know, all those mountains. Calling me.” Jake gestures vaguely in the direction of Mount Taurus.

Which also happens to be the direction of his house.

His blush fires up stronger than ever.

“I wish you’d stay,” Will says, still sad.

This wish coincides with their waitress, a woman Jake has never taken much notice of but who’s here fairly often (of course she is, it’s her job), comes by to offer to top off their coffees.

Jake, very abruptly, takes off his scarf and gloves and sits back down.

Oh, dammit.

He glares at the waitress, whose nametag reads Maureen B and says, “Only until the end of lunch, right?”

Maureen B, formerly Blue Phara, AKA The Blue Fairy, gives him an apologetic smile and says, “I’ll comp your dessert, honey.”

Will and Snow both look confused, but Will also looks less mournful now, and they’re still not staring at each other like that, so Jake guesses he can stay.

Not that he has much choice about it.

He eats a french fry in the most resigned way possible.

“So no mountains, then?” Snow asks. Her tone is a little teasing.

“They can wait, I guess,” Jake says. He looks out the window longingly at his car.

Will eats one of Jake’s fries, absently, looking at him like he’s trying to figure something out.

This is what clues Snow in. Jake sees because he’s still sitting three quarters of the wrong way around on his stool, looking at Snow and Will. Snow watches Will take one of Jake’s fries, watches Jake watch it. She looks at the bite taken out of Jake’s burger, and Jake can almost see her remembering Will saying “you haven’t even started eating yet,” can see her understand--

“Am I interrupting something?” she asks.

Here’s the thing: Jake likes Snow. He’s kind of mad about the way she treated Will, sure, especially in the wake of how long Will waited for her, and how she wasn’t willing to do the same. But he likes her. She’s funny, she’s a good fighter, she’s great with his nieces and even with Pinocchio and Puck, who are both difficult in radically different ways. He wants to be her friend.

But he also very much wants to tell her to go away, and to stay away from Will. It’s not jealousy, exactly. That would be simpler. Instead, it’s, sure, a little jealous, but also protective, because Snow hurts Will every time they’re in the same room, just by being there, and by their not being together. And on top of that it’s just awkward.

So he doesn’t say yes, doesn’t tell her to go away and let them have this thing, this casual almost-accidental meetup that Jake would never dare call a date.

Will, though, is giving Snow an apologetic smile, and Jake catches himself staring at it.

His mouth almost drops open when Will says, “A little, actually. It was good to see you, though.”

Snow glances between them, at Jake looking gobsmacked and probably more than a little hopeful, joyous even, and then over at Will, who isn’t looking at Jake but isn’t looking at Snow, either, anymore. She gives them both a sad little smile.

“Right,” Snow says. “I think Rapunzel’s here, anyway. Bye.”

She leaves, and Jake turns around on his stool so he’s facing the counter again. He maneuvers a bite out of his overlarge burger and wipes the grease off his chin with the same napkin he used for Will’s. He takes his time chewing.

Then, “You didn’t have to do that,” he says. “Send her away for me, I mean.” He looks at Will out of the corner of his eye.

Will is calmly spreading jam on his toast. He looks at Jake, though, directly at Jake, and Jake turns towards him without meaning to.

“Well,” Will says. “I wanted to. This… I mean… it’s our lunch, isn’t it?”

Jake leans into him, because their arms are touching again, and Will-- Will chose him, over Snow, over that line Bunny wrote into the core of his being, Will chose-- well, not Jake, not exactly, because what Will chose was distance, and agency. But every second Will isn’t looking at Snow and is looking at Jake, that’s a moment that Will is giving Jake. A moment that Will decided to give him.

“Yeah,” he says with a small smile. He’s looking at Will out of the corner of his eye again, but it’s not surreptitious this time. It’s shy, and maybe just barely flirtatious. “It’s ours.”

[alilaro]

. reasons im not apart of the twilight “fandom” anymore :

   long post. the rest is under the cut →

this is dumb, but im just kind of realizing i dont have to prove myself to any fandom. im not in some little clique where I have to know everyone and vice versa. I don't have to draw characters I hate to "stay relevant".

Gods, I've spent so long thinking my self-worth was linked to how much I could produce to this hivemind of people. The notes, the likes, the reblogs. But... I dont know any of those people.

I know who my friends are and what matters to me is them and my followers. Not some collection of 3k people that I'm supposed to feel 'unified' with because of one vague common interest -- but they're strangers! I dont know or care about them -- and I dont have to!

I dont mean that negatively I just mean its true! A fandom isnt like a community or a family, its just strangers until you decide to make some of them more than that.

Its just that... my god... I've spent so long worrying about what people think of me, what they say about me behind their backs. All these people I tried to impress, put on a show for and act a certain way to maintain a social status -- but none of it was real! It was always fake. Pretending to smile and collaborating with people I disliked despite the anxiety and self-loathing it made me feel, that I was happy and enjoying myself, and that the fandom was this niche part of the internet where everyone knows eachother and we all are a family--- but it was always some stupid game. I put of a facade to hide the lies and the shame and the gut-wrenching depression, because "no one likes a downer, arin."

What I'm trying to say is that... fandom life is not for me. I have anxiety, being in this fandom makes me paranoid and nauseous---and while some people thrive, I don't. Its toxic for me and my mental health.

I don't want to be apart of the fandom anymore. I don't want to be associated with the series anymore---I hate it. I literally loathe Twilight as a series so much, same as its horrible author. I have multiple histories involving forced catholic religious worship growing up, and later involvement with a cult. It’s too personal and I know the kind of bullshit “holier-than-thou” hypocrisy that Meyer slips into her narrative because I lived it and I fucking hate it. I dont want to reblog content just because I feel pressured to.

I shouldnt have to silence myself and hide my opinions because they're unpopular and I might be hated. Seeing me or my friends being vagued because of something so petty as not liking certain characters. The raw never-ending paranoia of 'what if they dont like me' 'are they going to make others hate me' 'when am I going to get a callout post.' And I realize I spent all this time trying to get people to like me that I realize some of these people would never return the thought, to worry if they were ever good enough for me.

This is not to shit on the fandom. This is a very personal problem. I've been here since 2011 now and I can't keep playing this game.

My art is my art. I love what I've made the Volturi into like they were my own creations -- and so obviously I am not going to stop uploading them. But I think its also important to differentiate that I am not in the fandom, nor am I a fan. I may have been once, but for my own health I'm cutting my ties.

On a more personal level: my dad almost went to hospital last night and it caused me to have a meltdown, and so ive just been awake all last night thinking about things. And I realized something. 

I tried to like the cullens for a long time but it just reminds me of being in the closet and all the fear and guilt and shame I felt at the time. Liking the Volturi for me is escapism. It always has been that way.

I was only 13 and it was like my link to things that were out of the norm and a community of people were different. No one said it out loud but there was always this silent solidarity with fans I knew that we were “different” (ie non cishet) and it was scary. But things like gender and sexuality made sense there. You weren’t yelled at for doing things to spite canon—because there was never enough given to these side characters that it would matter. You could add whatever and project whatever you wanted onto these characters and for the most part it was accepted.

And then having to come back to friends at school and pretend everything was okay was harmful and damning. Twilight was literally my entire puberty, the transition from child to adult, and the similarities linking my interest with the Volturi is locked tight in my soul. I remember even petty things like seeing my straight friends obsessing over Cullen boys and me having to pretend to agree every time wasn't nice.

I know it’s not really that deep, but the Cullens and seeing it on my dash and people forcing it on me, it feels like some kind of metaphor for be being in the closet again. To conform, to change. To me, the Volturi is a personal metaphor for my growth and straying from normality that was being straight and cisgendered.

And its been many years since then but the ideology is so deeply ingrained within me that even at 22 I can’t just unroot that.

And this is all on me. I get that. I know this isn’t the universal experience for everyone that liked Twilight, but it is my experience, and that matters for something.

I just... want to do my own thing. Without people yelling at me about canon or my headcanons being gross or wrong or ugly. Its tiring. I’m tired. I just need a break.

I hope this makes some notion of sense? Im going through a lot of things at the moment and finding out who I am and what I want in the process. And while the fandom has brought me the privilege of meeting and befriending some of the most absolutely wonderful people I've ever met, its also brought me spite and jealousy and rage, and it just feels like im drowning in it.

Its not personal. And you will barely any notice a change in my posts after this, if any.  I will still upload and reblog like usual but now hopefully with more confidence and a scar thats begun healing. 

I just wanted to clear the air and let yall know where I am right now.

Hope yall have a wonderful day. 🌸🌸

[5hineejjong]

NCT Dream Mark Graduation and Haechan Appreciation

I'm so busy I havent been able to post or do a review for what seems like forever and idk when I'll even have the time to do those again so Im upset about that.

BUT here we go Im gonna throw 2 things in at once.

1. Mark is gonna graduate soon and I was like YES FINALLY he's like veteran already and now I can see new Dreamies and he'll not have to write so many raps anymore. Then, when I saw the mv come out I got super sad. Sad to the point my broke ass preordered We Go Up and asked for his customization from my seller in Korea. I feel like this will be a very important thing for me, and a lot of people. I'm not devastated because we know Dream is a graduating group that helps ease in NCT members with cute and fresh themes. People are saying it won't be the same and...you're right. But that IS NOT FAIR to the other members to drop them or act like Mark is the only quality member. Theyll graduate too will you not hold them in the same regard? Also complaining like this is extremely hurtful to the new trainees that will debut in Dream. We need to appreciate Dream more. A LOT more in general. Dream has actually always been my favourite unit and the members don't deserve to be slept on because people don't want to respect the concepts and see it as an immature silly little stage play. Do NOT invalidate them. They are artists. They are QUALITY. We need to stand by all the members and eras and that INCLUDES new members that will debut. It's incredibly wrong to stick by ONLY for Mark and trash all future music saying "it isnt the same". With that said, I'm really glad Mark will be graduating (yes I'll miss seeing him in Dream mv's) and can't wait to see new dynamics.

2. Last night I saw an anonymous (and after digging around seeing more opinions) on Haechan. Opinions that heated me right on up. People can have opinions but don't you DARE hate on and blatantly disrespect and undermine him. Haechan isn't even my bias and NCT isn't even my top group by any means so don't pull that "oF CoUrSe yOuLl dEfEnD OpPaR" crap@me. The person said he wasnt even top 5 vocals in his own group and not even top 8 at dancing along with he's okay when his mouth is shut.

Who hurt you you deaf and blind shrew?

You REALLY try to say he isn't even top 5 IN HIS OWN GROUP? Please stop LYING. You don't have to specifically like his voice but to say THAT? You're delusional. For example me saying I dont really like Xiumin's voice at times personally in EXO that IN NO WAY means I can say he isn't a top vocalist in the group. I'm not freaking INSANE. I HAVE EARS. Also that is NOT a fair analysis seeing as NCT is a large group with multiple lead and main vocals that rank around the same level. Have you heard his live and clean and pure vocals? APPARENTLY you haven't. He's definitely top 5 if not tied for 1st or 2nd. People always say Taeil is #1. But tbh? I think Haechan is just as good if not better, especially for his age. He's easily just as good as Doyoung and Jaehyun and Jungwoo. (Jungwoo is literally my fav vocalist in NCT along with Ten so dont you dare @ me saying I'm biased when I'm speaking the TRUTH). BEYOND all this if you take all of them out separately they ALL ARE TOP VOCALISTS ON THEIR OWN. If Haechan didn't debut in NCT or did solo work he would not be receiving this DISGUSTING FEEDBACK. He's honestly one of the most consistent and unique singers I've ever heard even if ya wanna say his voice is annoying and glubbed up, or not. People will back up and say give certain idols a lot of hype for being below than average and sounding actually BAD live a LOT of times but god FORBID an ace of a vocal get any rec in his OWN GROUP. This clearly has me heated. As for the dancing??? I still think he's top 8 or at the very least needs to be applauded for his wide variety and massive dance routine index he knows. These same fools say WinWin is a very low ranked dancer and that's ANOTHER RANT FOR ANOTHER DAY. But honestly people are insane and I can't wait for Haechan to get some solo work or something and all the haters eat their words. He is an INCREDIBLE singer overall and I'm not exaggerating when I say this by any means and he can definitely be called a great in the future if he gets his chance to shine. He puts so much behind his demeanour and everyone overlooks truly how amazing he is and it sickens and saddens me.

If you read all that that's awesome and thanks for sticking around to read it all.

[bebaexoexo]

Shit Oh Sehun did in 2017

-Mistook Jeonghan (svt) for Johnny (nct)

-Movie date with suho

-Slayed at the gaon chart award show with a solo dance

-Paris vacation/date with suho

-Got called best dressed man at a Louis Vuiton catwalk and then proceeded to spend the next day walking around Paris with a hood, baseball cap and a cowboy hat on his head all at one time

-Revealed his bed time snuggle routine with Suho, no shame attached

-Was supposed to debut as an Actor Oh in February, but didn’t…

-Was supposed to debut as an Actor Oh in March, but didn’t…

-Got an award for being himself (popularity award)

-Was supposed to debut as an Actor Oh in April, but didn’t…(NoT EvEn a FRackin TraIleR)

-Waved to a tablet instead of the camera, tried to play it cool by continuing to do so

-Posted about his big chilli… 0.0

-Got 15 points on a drawing game while everyone else got over 100 (he drew love hearts and wrote ‘I’m sorry’ for everything and still couldn’t accept being last)

-Howled because of sour pickles

-Members accuse him of being the prime suspect when food goes missing in the fridge, he agrees

-Used binoculars the wrong way round and couldn’t understand why he couldn’t see (Suho to the rescue and an embarrassed osh as a result)

-Gets driven around by big brother chanyeol

-CAN SING (might as well be in exo’s vocal line)

-Biyak Biyak 4 lyfe

-Rubbed his head on a random guy’s stomach (who looks like he’s his sugar daddy)

-Made suho sad because he didn’t go to a premier with him, but went to a festival with Chanyeol and guy whose stomach he rubbed his head on

-Danced (????) at said music festival. By dance I mean chicken fingers at the crowd wtf @ exo’s main dancer

-Can ya tell iv given up on the debut of Actor Oh

-Graced his instagram with such artistic pictures of rice, spoons and cereal

-Only one ft BoA returns

-KING OF SPOILERS sehun the cereal rice (kokobop) poster

-KING OF SPOILERS PT2 dancing the dance with kai can you all please stop this isn’t good for me

-Comments ‘is this exo’s official account?’ On exo’s official account

-“What did you do in preperation for this album?” “Loyalty”

-Passionately talked about eel reproduction

-“Favorite fruit?” “Water with ice”

-Gave flowers to the members because he’s their cute baby omfh (it was a punishment but same thing)

-*gives Kai a rose* “it fits you, you’re sexy and dark red suits you”

-Baekhyun confirms Sehuns big DIACK

-“Sehun has absolutely no interest I’m women. How do I know? Sehunnie said he has no interest in women”- Baekhyun

-Bragged about a really good noodle place, took 30+ people to eat and payed for them- but the food was disappointing

-“Say something to the EXO-L for their birthday” *sehun claps*

SUPER ELLE

-*brags about his dog at every chance he gets, literal protective father to vivi* “I am a cat person”

-EXOTOURAGRAM AKA SEHO AND FRIENDS

-“We’ve been roommates for 6 years I want to cross the line”

-Producer Oh

-“I’ve arrived!” \(-°o°-)/

-Date in NYC with suho (ft the third wheel JD)

-Pulls out chair for suho

-“Its enough just to film me, suho’ s voice in the background is fine”

-Couldn’t believe that a waitress in NYC can’t speak Korean

-Theatre date with suho (ft the late third wheel JD)

-Kicks suho out of their room

-SBS power fm- more like 2 hours of sehun whinning and crying from embarrassment while suho laughs

-“I really like chocolate milk. I think it’s love”

-“Sehunnie is upset~ upset~ really really upset… huhuu” AEGAO KING WHAY

-“I’ve been having a hard time too. At times like this, we should all embrace each other. There’s something I always tell the members and that is to to ‘hug/embrace (me)’. Let’s cheer each other on, got it everyone? Cheer up always and yea, that’s it” and this is why we love our baby

-Sehun irl- “I love all my hyungs to the moon and back #se-rang-hai-yo” Sehun in manwha- “who cares”

-LA date with suho

-DING DONG

-“Let’s goo” \(^o^!)__

-Just sehun trying to control his face while riding the drift car

-King of being HOT, calm and panicking at the same time when their car stalled

-Also Oh Sehun driving someone hold me

-Heart-shaped sweatpatch on his back

-“Excuse me… sir… ketchup ketchup yahh… thank you”

-“The hardest time isn’t when we have a lot of schedule but when the members have different opinions (argue). It saddens me a lot”

-Me me da

-Fan- “do sehun and i have something in common?” Sehun- “we’re human”

-Las Vegas date with suho

-Volunteers suho to go sky diving first like the little shit he is

-Wears a dress shirt and leather shoes to sky diving

-Acts like he isnt shitting himself on the zipwire

-Shamelessly wore nothing underneath an easily unzip-able hoodie

-MC Oh

-“Who is the scariest hyung?” “All of them”

-Tries to prank suho by putting a sticker on him, fails misrebly and then loses the sticker

-White suit blue shirt

-Chanyeol saying Sehuns voice is so good he wants to produce him PLEs

-Teary eyed sehun as eXO WIN RHE PRIME MINISFERS AWARD WWKBDUDBDJ

-Hello councellor MC’s @ seho “stop touching eachother are you guys coming out right now?”

-Sehun @ LVTN

-Gets customised bags from LVTN

-Sehun @ Moncler (also makes the CEO come out just to take pictures with him we love a powerful man)

-Peace signs in his pockets when hes told not to do it

-Doesnt follow seungri back on insta because aesthetics

-Omfg okay elyxion antics begins here

-SHIRTLESS SEHUN IMDG THAT BOY JUST THREW OFF THAT JACKETS WTF I JUST GOT OUT OF WORK AND THATS THE FIRST THING I SEE ON INSTA WTF OMG MY HEART I DONT EVEN KNOW WHATS GOING ON YET BUT I SAW FOKKIN RIPPED SEHUN AND SHIT THATS JISTVTJE LIFE OMG THIS IS GONNA BE LIT

-Wrote and co produced his solo In At thE CONCERT COZ WE LOVE A TALENTED KING

-Lovingly strokes suhos face during touch it

-Comforts kai, upset because he made a mistske in his solo, during cmb

-Danced to ka-ching with CBX

-Suho “after our concert ended at midnight yesterday, sehun and i went back to our door and boiled 20 eggs. 2 adult men peeled them seriously and ate 10 eggs”

-Kisses baekhyuns neck

-Eats pizza at the concert after holding back for months, members happy give us one last chance at seeing THE ABS

-Went crazy and got chanyeol too drunk on his birthday

-Fansites “please dont crop our watermark we work really hard for these pictures” Sehun ;)

-Cute instalive of him just trying on the filters and telling us not to be stressed and play

-SEHUN IN DEAR HAPPINES OMG GREY SEHUN IS DA BESTZ IN A THIN WHITE SHIRT OMG

-“OK!! goo” *pouts*

-“Hey dog, look at me~”

-“Cheese many manyyy”

-*is just standing there posing* Photographer “youre cute”

-Didnt know it was just him, kai and baekhyun in the lightsaber mv

-“Sehunnie makes the most delicious soju” byun baekhyun

-LEON KOREA

-Makes a personal training room in their dorm that can barely fit his own ass

-Supports suho at his musical despite both going through a tough time

-Struggles with the rudolph hat

-SINGING IN UNIVERSE YES DAS MA BETCH

-Subtly strokes suhos face on a national award show

-Make chanyeol kneel whenever he wants something from him. We love our king

-Curly haired solo on mbc gayo

-A beautiful family picture from Oh Sehun to end 2017

——–

Cr. Lerandomexotic

I had a lot of fun making this, just thought i needed to record sehuns never ending loveble antics etc

Feel free to add whatever else i missed

Hopefully he’ll just keep getting crazier next year too, and exo themselves will grow to be greatet and stronger

Like, reblog & excel

[tvdamonelena4ever]

It Had To Be Her.

A Jessica Jones Season 2 Ending Analogy

SPOILER ALERT, PLEASE JUST SKIP OVER THIS IF YOU DON’T WANT SPOILERS.

"It didn't have to be you" but that was a lie.

The best twist of that iconic line, “it didn’t have to be you”, is that it had to be Trish, there was no other option. A quick summary, TLDR, Jessica was pretty much brainwashed by her 'mom’ and could not understand all the damage she was doing to not just her life but to everyone's lives by keeping her alive. That woman stopped being her mom the very moment Karl experimented on her and gave her so many defects that she VERY CLEARLY could not handle.

So lets talk Alisa, people can and will claim that she was still Jess' mom because of all the memories but I just can’t agree with that because there's a lot of evidence that goes against that. Even with all those memories and her apparent 'Love’ for Jessica (which btw if you look back it wasn’t really there much at all. It was always Karl over her own daughter) it did not matter, she could only barely and in some instances control her monstrous nature that Karl created and that was only when Jess was with her and even that took time to try and control, so Jess was really supposed to be shackled 24/7 to something that used to be her mom, to try and keep her, a very dangerous mass murderer, in check!??? The terribly sad truth was that her mom did die in that car crash and what was brought back was just a shell with the memories of a previous life, her trying to be that woman and using the voice of who used to be Jess’ mom.

Let's go in depth with that voice, that is where all of Jessica’s control and rationality starts to kind of rapidly disappear, that voice is what got into Jessica’s head, she said in 2x08 she doesn’t see her mom when she looks at her but she hears her through her voice, that is what pretty much brainwashed Jess and made her lose all sense of rationality, choice, control etc, in my opinion, the second half of this season was Jessica being controlled by another Killgrave, another monster but this one wore her mother’s face and had her mother's voice and that was all too powerful of an emotional connection to her past for Jess to break free from. Jess wanted so badly to believe her mom was still there but she just wasn’t, Jess literally wanted to drop the case and forget everything that her 'mom’ did, all the murders etc. that we saw in the first 7 episodes and even continued to see afterwards because she really wanted that to be her mom, she wanted to believe that she got a second chance with her mom.

Now let’s talk about Trish a bit, while I can’t entirely defend Trish with a lot of the choices she made I can see why she made some of them. The inhaler drug was a split between Trish just giving into the high kind of feeling that she had fallen into before but it was also abour her wanting to be able to help Jessica more, she wanted to be Jess' sidekick and she believed who she was wasn't enough. Next, when Jess first told Malcolm and Trish about 'her mom’ Trish could immediately tell that Jess wasn’t herself, she knew that Jess was probably not going to be able to see clearly and break through this hold her 'mom’ had gotten on her, even with how strong Jess is in all aspects. I can see that was part of, definitely not the only reason, but partly why Trish wanted powers and kidnapped Karl to achieve them. Yes Trish did have some selfish intentions there, I know that but part of her intent was to stop Jess’ mom, in 2x12 Trish admits Jessica is the only one who can put her down, that was really the only option despite the illusion of choice the writers showed us. So what happens when Jess tries to finally do what had to be done? Jess still couldn’t do it because she still wanted that to be her mom, it really wasn’t but she still wanted to believe it was.

So 2x13, the episode that really ties this all together nicely, this was such a crazy episode and I want to dive into this a little bit because once I watched it I was able to see what I believe the writers were establishing all season. Again this is my opinion, I think they were trying to make us believe that Alisa(?) could be redeemed, showing that illusion of choice time and time again but whenever they did that it was always by showing it through Jess’ perspective. From any other angle you wouldn’t feel a thing for her, look at how rational and how right Pryce was, i hated the guy but he had no connection to her and he told Jess what she needed to do. Now look back the first 7 episodes and how much different Jess and us, the audience, reacted to this mass murderer but in the back half of this season you mostly only see Alisa through her daughter (a daughter who lost her whole family far too young and truly just wanted a second chance with any of them) they try to make you feel sorry for Alisa, try to make you feel for Jess and the loss of her family and the apparent finding of her 'mom', and they want to make you think Alisa could somehow be redeemed but that was never the case and that was never there intention. So 2x13, this was the best this beast got, but not even saving that family could redeem her, she was doing that for selfish reasons like wanting Jess to stay with her, shackled to her in hopes that she could remain in check but that just isnt possible and then near the end of 2x13, we actually do see Alisa, the real Alisa, truly come back to life and be Jess' mom one last time, because she does such a selfless act and it’s the one thing Jessica couldn’t do, accept that who Alisa is now can’t stay alive, not as this monster that Karl created, she finally shows a bit of love for Jess by not wanting to ruin her entire life just for her to have to try and keep a beast in check. I will come back to the very end but first I want to explore the episodes that led up to this a bit more to show some crucial things.

First, let’s look at when she surrended and was in jail, that seemed to be selfless and a honest move to try and reconnect with Jess right? Wrong because she would still continue to protect the person that made her a monster, that was her selfish intent and bargaining chip for Jess to have visitation rights. Yes she got abused by a guard, and that was a bit wrong but with everything she had done it wasnt unwarranted. Anyways she doesnt just let it go and made sure Jess saw what happened, she should have been selfless here and kept this to herself but she doesn’t. Jessica Jones, who started the season saying “I’m not a murderer”, then went to this dude’s house to investigate, got caught off guard and ends the next episode by killing him, the third life she took. I'd like to also mention the extremely amazing gaurd that replaced him, what happened to her? You all saw it and you know she didnt deserve that. So back to Jessica and who shows up in 2x11, Killgrave, there to haunt her mind but it’s not him that makes those scenes important, it’s the real meaning behind them, Jessica not in control, Jessica not being able to see clear, Jessica doing things she knows she shouldn’t be doing. This whole episode I believe was the clearest evidence to show that Jess was really struggling to have control of her actions, her emotions, her rationality, her reality etc. At the end of this episode you think she’s okay and you believe that she has gotten her control again by getting rid of the Killgrave like control that was in her head but that wasn’t the case, it was a trick. Her 'mom’ had such control over Jess that even when she repeatedly threatened Trish, Jessica could not break that hold, her 'mom’ even comes to kill Trish and her 'mom’ almost makes Jessica herself kill Trish by blocking her throat. After that you would think Jess would finally understand that there was no ther way this could end but she refuses to believe that even when Trish tells her she is the only one who can put her down, even when she has a gun pointed at her 'mom’. And that episode ends with her 'mom’ knocking her out and kidnapping her.

That just isn’t love but even with all of that Jess was still willing to become a criminal for her 'mom’, an accomplice to a mass murderer trying to escape, yes she was a mass murderer you can’t even debate that.

Let’s touch on 2x07, Her 'mom’ even murdered one of Jess’ boyfriends, one that Jess was really in love with, yet Jess barely shows any anger about that, do you remember that scene? Her 'mom’ wouldn’t even listen to what Sterling said, he was outmatched and in real danger with Jess not around, so he needed to make up a lie for those thugs to leave but Jess’ mom didnt care, didnt listen to what he was trying to say, she literally just bashed his head repeatedly into a wall. There was a reason they made us, the audience, see that truly gruesome scene.

I could examine a lot more if people want me too but let’s jump to the most controversial spot. THE SCENE.

Jess and her mom on the Ferris wheel at Playland. And yes I didn’t put marks around mom that time because this is the one instance her mom is really there, Alisa finally realizes and accepts that she needs to die, to set Jess free and let her get back to her life without being shackled to a beast, a monster, that she can’t control and will take over again soon. But even here, Jess still won’t let her go and gets in too, At this point, with the info they know the police have classified Jessica as an acomplise to a mass murderer. If they would have caught Jess with her mom alive in that ride she would have saw the police murder her mom, they may have been brutal about it too, taking there time, etc. Jess would then be arrested as a criminal and possibly even charge her with all the murders her 'mom’ commited because she did not stop her and even went as far as to help her, hide her, and run away with her.

This is why it had to be Trish Walker, Jessica’s best friend who knows her better than anyone else and needed to save her from herself, just like Jess saved Trish from herself in the past, aka 2x07. With Trish being the one to kill the struggling shell of Alisa she saved Jessica in a lot of ways. Trish prevented Jess from being a criminal and arrested as one, Trish saved Jess from throwing away her whole PI career, Trish saved Jess from her mistakes. Mistakes that she didn’t even know she was making until the trigger was pulled. That’s when Jess got her control back, you could see how angry and hurt Jess was, you thought she snapped and was going to seriously hurt Trish and yet she couldn’t because she held back and controlled herself. In the aftermath of what is a tragedy to Jessica is when she comes back to the reality of her life and finally sees that she couldn’t just throw away everything she worked so hard for, her job, her life, even her potential relationship with Oscar, (Full Disclosure, I need to admit I am 100% Trishica trash but I do actually like Oscar and I think it’s a part of the story they need to tell) before she was too scared to open up to him and really let him into her life, even when he tried to stop Jess from leaving with a mass murderer to stay with him and his son because they both really like her but she still didn’t listen, she couldn’t stay. In the aftermath though Jess now knows she needs to open up to them, she can’t hold on to the past, she had to face her past and with Trish's help (even when she didnt want it) she overcame it and got closure, yes in a harsh way but that's what she needed to move on. Jess now knows that she needs to keep living her life and let some people in. That whole sweet ending with Jess, Oscar and Vido is all thanks to Trish Walker, if not for Trish Jess would have been arrested, convicted and thrown in jail for life with no bail for the crimes she became a part of when she was basically brainwashed under the illusion that she had got her mom back.

That is why it had to be her, why it had to be Trish Walker. Jess might not want to understand or forgive her but I’m sure she will in time, because Trish Walker stepped up to be the hero that Jessica needed.

If you read all this thank you again, I appreciate it so much and I am willing to hear what you all think, to politely debate about it or whatever.

P.S. Just look at them! Even in their dark times

[jihoonslattee]

Cafe Study Dates! Bae Jinyoung

anon requested this and i have not written about jinyoung in a hot minute i am ready to write this

schools exams were hard 

like you seriously needed to study for them a week or two in advanced if you wanted to get a good grade

unless you were someone with basically a photographic memory like Bae Jinyoung, it seemed as if he would never go down from having straight A’s in your class

you and jinyoung were friends during elementary school but during those days you could’ve sworn jinyoung was like purely the jokester of the class that didn’t really care about his grades 

but then again it is now high school and it is a time to be worrying about grades

point aside 

jinyoung was both the 1st top ranking student in academics and low key in visuals too 

but that was your opinion that you kept for yourself because you still lowkey had a crush on him ever since you guys were best friends in elementary to middle school

you guys weren’t that close now but your crush on him never faded 

BUT you guys had a lot of classes with each other so like >.> there was never a chance for you to get over your crush on him

one day while you were walking out of the school grounds though, you heard someone running behind you and soon they grabbed your shoulder

“hey Y/N! can I ask you something?”

making eye contact with jinyoung you could feel yourself blush a little since he was standing so close to you 

i mean you should be used to it by now but still you had a crush on him so your heart started beating fast whether you wanted it to or not 

 “sure go for it!”

he took a deep breath and turned to the side to face you more and clasped his hands together in front of his face

“do you think you can help me prepare for the upcoming exams? I really can’t focus lately and I don’t want to fail”

there was a couple of moments in between before you could fully process what he was actually asking you

pointing to yourself you literally looked around a bit before looking back at jinyoung

“are you really asking me? you’re the top student in this school though, if anything i should be asking you-”

“you’re the second top student in this school but i feel like you can grasp math better than i can so will you please help me after school some days?”

you thought about it for a bit and ultimately accepted because it was a chance to get to improve on the other subjects that you were struggling in while also it was a chance to get close with jinyoung again!

“yeah sure, when should we meet?”

“let’s start today! I have a ton of questions about the information taught to us in the new lesson that was taught to us, do you wanna go to the cafe?”

and that’s how you guys ended up sitting in the corner of a cafe that was pretty secluded with no windows next to you with a bunch of textbooks with you guys 

you guys spent basically a couple of hours going over a bunch of topics that would possibly be on the test 

after a good hour or two you guys kind of just drifted off onto different topics and just caught up and acted like you guys have been close for the longest time 

even though it seemed like finals were so far away you and jinyoung would totally still go to the cafe to study and hang out every day like no joke even if there was a storm jinyoung would be like

“it’s okay lets go today anyways! i’ll walk you home and hopefully your parents will let me stay until the storm calms!”

(oof gosh yall that reminded me of ioi im-)

and during school he would often just come by to hangout with you and take you away from your table of friends LMAO

like you’ll literally be stuffing your face with a burger from the cafeteria while your friends are just talking about random things when they all stop talking because oh look

jinyoung is now sitting next to you basically watching you take a big bite out of the burger 

basically choking on the piece you were trying to eat you turn around towards jinyoung and just give him a “dude why are you here face”

“let’s hang out! lunch is almost over”

he immediately grabs your hand and you guys just leave the table leaving behind your friends who were now squealing bc oh yeah they know about your crush on jinyoung and you guys holding hands is like conforming that yall have smthing going on

when there really isnt

like he literally just wanted to hang out with you (which is what you thought lmao)

he led you into your guy’s classroom and he pulled you towards his desk, quickly pulling something out of it and holding it behind his back

“what are you hiding behind your back jinyoung?”

you tried to look behind him but he stepped back, almost tripping over the chair to the desk next to him

“no first let me say something, i really wanna thank you for helping me out, i know we’re still gonna hang out and study since finals are here yet but i still got you something to thank you”

he pulled out a tiny box and then handed it to you, letting you open it in front of him 

it was a simple bracelet (any that you like or can think of!) that just had the words thank you and even though it didn’t seem that emotional, you felt very thankful and honestly you were feeling butterflies in your stomach

“jinyoung you shouldn’t have, you’re too nice i can’t believe you got this for me, i should get something for you now!”

he started waving his hands in the air all frantically and just smiled a little with a tint of blush on his cheeks 

which you being the in the moment oblivious person you are, you assumed that he was just looking like that because of the recent cold weather 

“you really don’t have to! just you being there to help me out is enough, here let me help you but on the bracelet”

jinyoung walked up close to your and took the bracelet out of your hand and put it on your wrist for you, which btw made your heart start beating making your hope that he literally isn’t hearing your heart pounding out of your chest 

a week or two after that though jinyoung was absent for a while which you found out that he was really sick 

so you guys didn’t really go to cafe bc yknow jinyoung was at home resting and making sure that he wouldn’t make you sick the next time you guys met up to study 

and SOMEHOW you manage to forget jinyoungs birthday bc finals were finally coming up so you were literally on major study mode 

and the day it was jinyoung’s birthday he finally came back to school! but ofc you didn’t know it was jinyoung’s bday and no one really announced it to everyone during class so basically the whole day you were walking and doing your own thing around school not knowing it was his birthday 

but after school you were walking out and going home because you weren’t sure if you and jinyoung were still going to study at the cafe since he still looked a little sick when one of his friends walked up to you

“hey daehwi, what’s up?”

daehwi gave you a small smile and just shrugged before 

“nothing much but hey uh you know that jinyoung is waiting for you at the cafe already right?”

“what?!”

you stop walking and turn more towards daehwi 

“yeah it’s his birthday too, but i bet you remembered already. I just wanted to tell you that, see you later!”

daehwi literally speeds away from you as if he said something wrong and like triggered you 

which he did but like in the realization way 

so you immediately sprinted as fast as you could to the nearest store and bought a cake and happy birthday candles and grabbed a random flower crown that happened to catch your eye on the way out before paying

 arriving at the cafe you looked and noticed that jinyoung was quietly reading some books 

you sat down at a different table really quickly to set up the cake when jihoon looked over and gave you a weird look, making you wave him over

“i forgot something to light the candles! do you have anything?”

he shook his head which made you low key get mad at him because he could’ve just gone in the back of the cafe and there would probably be something there but it was fine 

getting up you walked over towards jinyoung with jihoon and started singing happy birthday which literally made him so shookt

after singing to jinyoung jihoon simply just walked away (bc he already wished jinyoung a happy birthday earlier lmao)

“happy birthday jinyoung! I wish i got you something better than a cake, i didn’t even get a match to light the candles”

he just chuckled and took the cake and put the flower crown on his head

“it’s okay Y/N just you being here to celebrate with me is a great present”

jinyoung looked at the cake and brought it close to his face 

“i’ll just pretend that the candles are lit”

he quickly blew them out and put the cake back down to look at you 

“you want to know what my wish was?”

“jinyoung if you say your wish it won’t-”

“my wish was that i hope you become my girlfriend today”

(damn low key smooth DHKJDS JKJK)

you were literally shocked speechless, there was nothing to say as you were literally expecting him to say something like 

“my wish is that you would light these birthday candles for me”

“a-are you serious jinyoung? is that really your birthday wish?”

he shakes his head in response and just smiles 

“i know you probably don’t feel the same way-”

“woah woah woah jinyoung who said i didn’t feel the same way?”

he looked from the cake to you with expectant eyes

“i like you too jinyoung, i’ve had a crush on you for the longest time i was just really surprised”

so now you were both in silence because now jinyoung is shocked that you actually like him because he thought this whole time you thought of him as a best friend that just so happened to be your study buddy but he was way off 

and you were literally waving your hands in front of him to get his attention but this boy still wasn’t reacting so you resorted to using the cake

you took some of the frosting and put it on his nose, which finally snapped him out of his shocked face 

“jinyoung your wish is for me to become your girlfriend right? well i think you should ask me first to make it official”

you gave him a huge smile and jinyoung could only smile in return as he sat up so that you guys were both eye to eye

“okay then well Y/N will you be my girlfriend while also studying with me in the cafe?”

smiling you nodded your head and pulled out your phone, angling it towards jinyoung 

“i’ll totally be your study buddy and girlfriend! now let me take a photo of you because you look really cute right now”

thank you for reading!

[blaperile]

Homestuck Epilogues - Meat - Page 12 (Epilogue 2 Page 4)

[closedspeciesdrama]

Re: The Wendigo argument, there's this instability trait which is prevalent on the internet these days. There are a lot of very unstable young men and women who try to give themselves meaning and worth by deeming themselves "gatekeepers" of either political correctness or cultural appropriation. Down to a man the ones I've seen in CS and in other communities are typically insecure to the point of near-mania and with any number of mental issues. Gatorbite and VCR are like poster boys. 1 of 2

- The best way to deal with this sort of nonsense isn’t to argue with them which is ultimately narcissistic supply and a means for them to try and show how morally “superior” they are to their victim, it’s simply best to flat out block them if needed or ignore them. Might seem harsh but I have personal issue with the way they use issues of gender and culture to bully every community they touch and to intimidate younger people with threats of dubbing them “bad people” or public defamation. 2 of 2

(1)Citing “Windigo Psychosis: the anatomy of an emic-etic confusion” an academic journal by a group of anthropologists: “When the windigo phenomenon is considered from the point of view of group sociodynamics rather than from that of individual psychodynamics, the crucial question is not what causes a person to become a cannibalistic maniac, but under what circumstances a Northern Algonkian is likely to be accused of having become a cannibalistic maniac(2)and thus run the risk of being executed as such. It is argued that those so executed were victims of triage homicide or witch hunts, events common in societies under stress.” Hell just that alone should be enough. Algonkians and other natives were straight up murdered over a mythological creature that was used against them. No one besides Algonkians are in any placeto make a CS/adopt design based on something with such a dark historical context.(3)Looking beyond Wikipedia could have easily told you this. Also, no anon, you fucking idiot, the wendigo was a thing before the term “wendigo psychosis” even existed as a culture-bound syndrome. AND IF YOU PUT TWO AND TWO TOGETHER… usually “culture-bound” syndromes are inherently racist and untrue.

Didn’t vcr-wolfe get called out for something too tho like if you’re gonna be the 1# sjw for everything wouldn’t it be ironic to get a call out for a shitty thing you’ve done

OH MY GOD. that post is LITERALLY a whole fucking year ago. once again vendetta anons pull shit from their ass. that character isnt even a freaking adopt, and vcr doesnt even have a species and has hardly sold maybe 3 adopts in the last 6 months? maybe if yall weren’t reaching so far into the past for some petty bs we could stay on topic for once lmao

Wait is there any proof of them being white?? I’ve I beleive I saw vcr wolfe say they’re native or smth before. But the thunderbird thing is so stupid lmao in the Wild West tm a lot of towns only had like white people because natives were driven out. I mean depending on the characters setting. Plus there’s majority of white people. Thunderbirds aren’t like a wendigo, you can say it’s name and talk about it and it wouldn’t attack just you so I don’t see a problem lmao

I think the issue here is you’re going to have people from a culture saying something is offensive, but someone else from the same culture saying that it’s not offensive and they’re glad you’re taking interest in their culture in the first place. See: Every East Asian mythology based CS out there, basically. Literally there is no right or wrong across the board, nobody “wins”, and that’s just how life is. Grey morality exists, just let people make content they enjoy ffs.

I think the issue here is you’re going to have people from a culture saying something is offensive, but someone else from the same culture saying that it’s not offensive and they’re glad you’re taking interest in their culture in the first place. See: Every East Asian mythology based CS out there, basically. Literally there is no right or wrong across the board, nobody “wins”, and that’s just how life is. Grey morality exists, just let people make content they enjoy ffs.

People act like VCR-WOLFE’s word is law or something. I can see being passionate about causes and all but they take the cake for extremism. People should be allowed to make a character any race to fit their preferences or just their likes, of course within being respectful. I think VCR gets some kind of high and mighty buzz by going after people, especially us evil whites.

multiple poc: hey this is offensive. yall: uhm idk that sounds fake :/. one poc: yeah it’s fake. yall, digging your claws in: YOU SEE? WE WERE RIGHT ALL ALONG! THIS ONE POC HAS VALIDATED OUR RACISM FOREVER! *pterodactyl screech*

Is vcr wolfe a serious account or is it just some random asshole that enjoys stirring up people by being the dictionary image for the social justice warrior stereotype that literally everyone hates. I have seen them be a little weiner before (cue them accusing me of misgendering them), I would take nothing they say seriously because honestly they are a joke.

Why does this Wendigo shit still come up? This is the same as the sombrero Mario crap that blew up on twitter. Quit speaking for other cultures that you don’t belong to. Native American people have expressed both support and distain for the issue. A wendigo is a monster, why is making a monster be a monster suddenly such a taboo? You can white knight the subject to death, you aren’t in the wrong but you’re certainly not in the right either. If you don’t support it then don’t.

context: the wendigo was used as a slur and label for natives/Algonquins who were mentally ill (aka called them canibals; hence “wendigo psychosis”) and was used to justify their genocide so making an adopt out of such a theme isn’t taken lightly as this has a historic context you can’t erase (source: I live in the algonquin northeast) (½)mythical creatures such as vampires and werewolves come from a ton of different cultures and generally they’ve been reinterpreted so often that it doesn’t retain its origin context. here’s another point- the Algonquin people still exist. despite the mythical creature being used against them they are more than in the right to use it how they see fit. it’s sorta like how the lgbt community took back the word “queer” while a straight person should definitely not call a gay person “a queer” (2/2)

Btw the wendigo isn’t a legend ! It’s a tale told up north and is taken very seriously. The reason people don’t want you to use it is because saying the name is suppose to make you a victim ( aa I forgot I’m sorry ) BUT I still beleive if you do your research u should be okay like just don’t make it a xD murderer monster cannibal

The thing with a wendigo character is not everyone is going to see/research the full story of them, because they’ve been big in media for awhile now. Until Dawn, Supernatural, even My Little Pony. And tbh, it’s something that while drifting away from the original intent, does bring traditional stories to the homes of others, who otherwise would never know the term, or know of the monsters. Mass media is keeping our culture alive, even as we kill it ourselves by not letting others near it.

this just in: vcr-wolfe solely dictates what can and cannot be used from cultures in character designs

VCR is mixed actually lol

VCR-wolfe is actually half mexican. So maybe don’t be fucking racist?

Can we stop the “ insulting = I’m right” thing it’s so stupid. If someone’s discussing something or DOESNT KNOW you don’t have to insult them. You look like a jerk js ( this is towards the anon in the wendigo post about wendigo-psychosis). The person was just basically saying ‘fun fact’ no need to call them a fucking idiot jeez

Mixed with what? I’ve seen this argument on another drama site. If they are mixed, they are white enough to pass as entirely white. Even then your word isn’t some divine rule on what is right & wrong. VCR constantly leans on the “I’m mentally ill” schtick, maybe they should focus on themselves for a bit & quit badgering people that want to enjoy another culture. Geez would bringing back segregation make you fuckers happy, let start DNA testing before you can draw or create a non white character.

The anon about wendigo pychosis got their panties in a twist lmao. If we can’t use anything with “” dark historical context" or “ only ____ are allowed to use this” then we all might as well sick to our own religions and make nothing but what we’re born into/practice. So if you’re native and you make a nun rabbit prepare for a ass chewing ! :( keep whining about everything you just sound like a broken record lmao you “” fucking idiot “”

Wait so if vcr-Wolfe isn’t native what say do they got in it then??? If they’re Mexican/white ??? Why don’t they step down and let real native/mixed natives speak for themselves and not have someone gatekeeping their beliefs Jesus lord I LOVE when none natives try to speak for my culture

Multi poc people: this is bad y'all: SEE ITS EVIL Multi poc: its alright do your research tho Y'all: WTF THATS BAD WHAT ABOUT OUR TOKEN FRRIENDS SAYING ITS OKAY AAAA Get your head out your ass dude there’s two sides to the shit just because people back your opinion doesn’t mean you can use your poc friends as a way to wave it around. You’re being just as bad to diss other peoples opinions FROM THE SAME GROUP lmao

i’m ndn, and personally my opinion on the entire thing is, don’t make wendigo characters for profit in general, especially if you’re not ndn. i don’t even like seeing my brothers, sisters, and two-spirited brethren do it. it’s one thing to make one for personal use, and as long as you’re not making them uwu edgy wendigo doggo that eats people uwu then.. honestly? who cares. but stop making wendigos when you know nothing about the culture, or that many tribes have different lore on it.

also the entire thing of wendigo psychosis being a thing: false. that was a term made up waaaaay after the fact. the thing is, there are multiple tribes that believe in wendigo, many have different names for it, and there’s even variations born differently like wechuge. but the fact of the matter is that most people don’t even read in or pay attention beyond the edgy cannibal shit to know that a wendigo is pretty much a skeleton made out of ice in most tribal cultures LMAO not a fucking dog

the entire purpose of people saying ‘hey if you don’t understand it, don’t make it’ is so that you don’t make a mockery of our legends, lore, culture, and history. not so you can’t have fun. it’s like me making a black character and making them stereotypical and completely shitting on it, and then doubling back with the ‘oh i made a black character so i understand black struggles’ shit like. it’s not cute when you do it to any race or culture so stop.

Why is it a crime to make Wendigo characters but when some family lines (before me, I don’t care) wouldn’t approve of the use of nordic mythos no one bats an eye at adopts that play off them, or for that matter, movies and shows that paint them in completely inaccurate ways. You can’t close the mythos of one culture & make it untouchable while saying some are fine to take from, that isn’t how it works. 

VCR is mixed Mexican Navajo and saying a mixed person is basically white is just fucking ugly and racist as shit, holy shit

Nordic myth is white myth and white people are not in any danger of having their culture stamped out and then reinterpreted by their oppressors while they are punished for trying to access it, unlike, you know, Native American myth. Reverse racism isn’t real

‘nordic myth is white myth and–’ it’s still someone’s religion, so yeah actually it still stands, either all religions are sacred inherently and are off limits or none are and you can’t bitch and whine and moan and throw a social justice tantrum into that being untrue, people making shitty wendigo ocs isn’t stamping anyone’s religion out any more than marvel making a shitty version of loki is, they’re equally stupid but harmless 

Except there is a huge fucking difference between open and closed religions? Nordic pagan worship is an open religion. Native folk religions are closed religions. Christianity is an open religion. The Amish are, by and large, a closed sect. Sincerely, an nordic heathen who knows full well what people can take from my belief system

“Werehyenas can’t be made into species and characters because they appropriate African culture uwu~” The hyena and werehyena have a very similar negative connotation in African folklore by you don’t see them getting so butt hurt over them being used. I get so sick and tired of people saying you can’t base a CS or Character off of a fictional monster. I guess I should toss out my Church Grim OC because that’s an insult to English and Scandinavian Folklore as it guards a place considered sacred

literally no one is saying dont ever do it theyre saying be respectful, follow the originating culture’s traditions, and dont slap a native myth on a white character because its disrespectful to the culture you supposedly like so much youre pulling from them. entitled much?

"my friend finds this thing offensive! your friend doesn't find this offensive? stop tokenising your friends, also YOUR friends are WRONG!" so native voices only count when they agree with you? maybe accept that an individual can't speak for an entire group, and that people from within the same culture can have very different ideas about what cultural appropriation even is.

Everyone yelling about wendigos when they're ignoring the fact Sincommonstitches literally made a design based off the imperial rising sun (you know- rape of Nanking?? Children and women slaughtered?) and day of the dead (mexican holiday already shit on for $$$) guardians, sold them for profit, and then bitched in a journal when they got called out how they shouldn't have to deal with this and they need their fiance to handle their pr now lmfao

Keeping all this in one post, anything new sent in will be added to this post. While it is on topic, it is far from species related. 

[pepperminthealing-blog]

Day 1

I want to start this blog stating that I’m going to attempt to write everyday, and maybe even more than one a day. The events of this blog will not be in chronological order, it’s going by what is really tearing my heart apart that day, where my mind wanders. 

I want to say thank you for whoever reads this, and I hope through my healing it may give you some insight in your own life, or better understanding of whatever. Or even if you’re just curious, I hope it tickles your feather I suppose.

On we go.

A month and a half ago I met someone, and we had the instant click. Whether it was because we were considerably nerdy, or because he made me feel safe during my current situations. Honestly, it was all supposed to be a joke; and thats so sickening to me knowing that I fell that low. We first met on tinder, and he would send some uh... wonderful messages. And my co-workers and I would read them and respond, then chuckle as we just kind of made fun of this guy who seemed to really be trying too hard. -Sigh- Who would of known that this guy was actually someone with a very very soft heart. We lost contact once I left my job shortly after my miscarriage and gained contact back when I returned, he was already seeing someone and I was on the line of breaking up with the person I was with at the time as well. We made rules that we wouldnt hang outside of work until we both had ended those two terms, because we wanted to be as truthful and transparent with not just one another but with them, fairness to speak. Today, I couldn’t tell you how we got to where we were that day, it was literally just a click... Maybe I was craving something that he posessed because I wasnt getting it in my own relationship? Idk. But, the first night we hung out... I knew I had to keep walking with him. He took me to Wawa at 3am, and bought me a tuna sandwich, and we drove to some dock area and talked about politcal things, hospital business and just our opinions on the world. It was freeing, connecting and intoxicating to find someone who had a like mindset as my own, that could hold an intellectual conversation on things that really mattered to me. After hours of talking, he drove me back to my car and kissed me, and it felt so tender and innocent. I think that was the moment I let my walls down, that for some stupid reason my dumb broken heart wanted to just burst and open up to someone I barely had any knowledge of. The most we talked when seperated was sexual things, and from my past expierences that was never a good sign, but WHY DID THIS FEEL DIFFERENT? Was it because he was a nurse I worked with? That I believed he didnt have the capacity to break me like anyone else could in this world? -sigh.- I slept with him that night, and the hormones our brains release during that time, started the attachment. But it also set the fear in that he would be like everyone else. I want to skip around so much because diving back into these memories have been nothing but haunting the last week, but I’m trying to remind myself that skipping details is skipping moments that could possibly heal you. As I’m writing this, I’m crying tears over this stupid guy. And calling him stupid isnt going to fix anything, because even though you guys have gotten to read down to this part, I just want to say he isnt bad at all. He didnt leave to be an asshole, he was physically ill, he had an addiction problem and I was his catnip. And asking him to stay wasnt just selfish of me, but it was deadly. I would of never forgiven myself if he relapsed because I pushed him too far. I know he cared about me, and the impression I’m giving of him already doesnt give that off, so I wanted to say that before I continued the rest of this story.

Anyways, weeks passed and James and I would have deep conversations about our lives, fantasies, dreams and things. He would care for me when I was sick, reach out and cushion the blows I would take from the break up I just endured. He would push me to take the stress of work and push through it, remind me that I’m doing it for the greater good, and that I was doing just fine. He calmed the storm in my mind for a brief period of time, while I rumbled the dark one in his. Sex and the connection we made was what he called “catnip” to him, and he tried to push me away and I pulled him right back in. Not only was I intoxicating to him, but he became just as much to me. Who wouldnt want someone who could protect them from the harsh of the world for some time?? To give them that freedom feeling that they have CRAVED to feel for years? Valentines day, he gave me 3 chokers, and they meant the absolute world to me. Not only were they ones I wanted, but they had meaning to me. They were heartfelt emotional presents, specially from him; and I felt I was flying. I think that night was the night I began the falling process, or well... I know I did. I stepped off the ledge after he told me to not move furniture into a house he was only renting. I refused to believe that, in my head I thought I could save him, that this would be different. And the signs he gave off, gave me the hope that just that was happening.

......this is the hardest part.....

The day after Valentines day, I woke up and in my stomach I felt something different. I felt like our connection was torn, I was depressed and I thought it was just maybe me. We talked all day, and everything seemed normal. But that night, when he got off his shift, he met me in the staircase at my work. The staircase where he would visit me before he left, where he told me how crazy he was for me, where we shared some of our best kisses.... The staircase I walked down to have my first in face conversation with him...I sat next to him... Him: “Hey buddy, how are you?” It always bothered me when he called me buddy, I wasnt his buddy. I was his Kitten, his baby... “I’m alright, how are you?” “Tired.”  I wanted to just slump onto him and just melt. But I could feel the tension behind his words, that there was something that he wanted to say. “Are you still coming over Thursday?” “I don’t think thats going to be a good idea, buddy.” That last sentence shattered the world that he built up with me. I pressed on asking and he began to lightly tell me how what we built up was unhealthy for him, which I didn’t understand at that moment how it was unhealthy. How our relationship was bad for him, but I wasnt. His hazel eyes stared into mine, and I could feel that wall being built between us, I felt shut out. I tried clawing at that wall, pushing, hammering everything I could to get him to tell me why he was leaving. I sat on that second stair of the top while he stood below me, asking me to tell him to leave... I couldn’t. Telling him to leave was like telling myself to drown at that moment. How in such a short period of time could one person make me feel all this in a second. I didn’t grasp how we went from one moment of bliss, to.... hell. I’m still processing through this part, and it wasn’t until last night that it all made sense to me. James expressed so many times that he didn’t want to leave, but what we had was enticing his addictive nature, which could push him to relapse. And the only way to stop that, was to stop being with me. And I felt like I was so unhealthy for him at that point, no matter what he said. But it wasnt me, it was what we had. And there was no going back from that, you can’t just build up a relationship and then change it expecting it to change with you. So, you have to end it...  Which is still hard on me, because I care deeply about him. And because I care deeply for him; I’ve started to let him distance from me.

I wrote him one final text last night expressing every little emotion I had for him, and apologizing for throwing his stuff out, which I regret so much now because I dont have an inch of his love in my house... just my bed still smells like him. I can’t count how many times I’ve thought about him in a day, or how I’m still picking pieces of our relationship apart to find solutions or how BADLY I fight with myself to text him, begging him to text me back. Even after we broke up, he still wanted to come take care of me... I invited a random guy over to poke at him when we broke up, and he still came over to calm the pain in my heart once the guy left. Who does that? Not only do I know that what we have was unhealthy for him, but by the way I acted when he hurt me, was how I knew I was unhealthy for not just him... but those around me.

Moral to this story, even though its not fully finished but this is as much as I want to dive into it today is that... people are lessons. And James was the one who left pain in my soul, and that pain finally opened my eyes to how dangerous I am to people, how much pain I actually feel. I’m so for healing those around me, and saving those who need it. But... I forgot about me. I forgot that I need those things too, from myself. As of right now, I havent texted him; I’ve kept my word to let him distance, and I think he’s finally removed me from snap chat so he wont look at my stories and have the craving to return. 

As for me, well... this whole thing has made me realize that I need time to really heal and figure out me. I’ve been in and out of things in life, that I don’t think I’ve ever slowed down long enough to process what it is I’ve gone through. 

Do I love James? I think I loved the idea of being with him, and the feelings he gave me.

Do I care about him? Yes, and because of that, I don’t want to get in the way of his recovery.

Do I hope we can ever become something? At this point I think it’s healthy to say that everyone hopes they can get back with the person who just left them . I do hope we can talk one day, i miss our conversations. 

What’s next? Well, work today... I’m  dreading the day we have to run into each other at work, but that day will come and when it does, I’m going to embrace it and push through. 

I think thats enough for right now. 

[kopinions]

i’m really pissed because there are people out there who call me a hater. this is mostly because of my opinion on blackpink. i know there are blinks out there who are going to get so triggered and i was kind of scared of getting the hate but seriously this is getting out of hand.

i’m going to be honest here, I used to be a blackpink hater until i reflected and realized my hatred was misplaced. Originally, i was a huge big bang and 2ne1 fan, and my ultimate bias group was and to this day is still probably 2ne1.

from my earlier teen years (and now) i hated myself and hurt myself and put myself down because of my flaws. 2ne1 taught me to embrace my flaws, that it’s okay to feel ugly, it’s okay to feel terrible as long as you get back up, because none of that defines your worth. in a lot of way 2ne1 helped me, because they weren’t a particularly beautiful or outwardly elegant group. i didn’t particularly care that they were doing something new or anything like that, i loved them because they helped me accept myself.

I became a blackpink hater when yg disbanded 2ne1 and called blackpink a prettier version of 2ne1. That really triggered me, it was so painful, like being told that all the acceptance stuff was a lie. And i felt bad for 2ne1. when yg said that, i was pissed and i took it out on blackpink. i never listened to their music i purposely went out of my way to never see them because i believed they would be cheap knock offs of 2ne1.

I was wrong. For whatever reason i decided to give them a chance, and i was instantly hooked on their songs. like twice, their hooks were insanely catchy. i loved their music. i instantly fell in love with their music, they were catchy and had a good beat and jennie and lisa were half decent rappers. i was slightly disappointed when i learned that they hadn’t written anything or had a part in any aspect of its production but that was a given. kpop groups in general don’t usually get a chance to do any writing or get involved in the music production aspect, girl groups and female idols even less so. even cl only got involved after their debut.

BUT there are some aspects of blackpink i really dislike to the point i would call it hate. actually it isnt even about blackpink, it’s more about their fandom and the hype surrounding them. bc as much as i love them i will never call myself a blink because of the plain toxicity and immaturity of most of the fandom. I’m not saying that it’s everyone but i am saying it’s a majority.

The only thing i think i really dislike about blackpink is their aegyo. It’s just painful and they need to stop, because when you watch how they act when they think the cameras or attention isn’t on them, they seem so much more likeable. Even the whole thing about jennie’s unprofessionalism, i admit it was unprofessional and the fact that they have only five songs makes it look even worse, i feel like it’s because they are rookies.

yes they have been around for almost two years now, they haven’t had a single comeback, haven’t had any promotions or anything remotely like that so they haven’t had the experience of being in the spotlight/centre of attention repeatedly. Yes they have constantly in the public eye with all the extra stuff they are doing but there is a difference between that and the kind of scrutiny that idols come under when they make a comeback. They haven’t really gotten that exposure so they really don’t know how to act. They still have that sort of awkwardness that most rookie groups start out with, except other rookie groups go out of that by their second year because that is usually around their third-ish comeback. But effing yg and his headass won’t give blackpink their comeback and i’m kind of scared that the planned june comeback will be pushed back again. It’s not like he hasn’t done it before.

Now here are my issues with the hype surrounding them. people keep calling them ‘queens’ or ‘the only good girl group’ or ‘the only girl group that isn’t doing cutesy concepts’... To be considered ‘queens’ i think you should have more than 5 songs and at least an actual mini album. They have literally just started out. They haven’t proven anything yet. Im not saying they wont or cant, because i think they definitely have potential but like, you can’t judge them based on 5 songs.

you really can’t say the only good girl group. The sheer number of talented and hardworking idols out there is insane. Saying that they are the only good girl group makes you an idiot. Red velvet, twice, the former ioi, clc, dreamcatcher, weki meki, gugudan, gfriend, and now (g)i-dle. They are all talented and hardworking and magnetic, so stop putting other groups down because you want blackpink to look better or because you want to feel superior.

People call them ‘rap queens’ or ‘the best rappers of the new generation’ first of all, i think to be a true rapper you need to write your own lyrics. True we don’t know if jennie and lisa can pull that off, nor do we know they can’t. But there are some groups in that list that i think have proved that their rappers can write and perform sick raps. Jeon Soyeon prove herself on unpretty rapstar and i would argue that she is probably the most talented and versatile rapper of the new generation. Twice chaeyoung very recently proved her skill when she wrote and performed her rap, yeeun of clc has recently been given permission to write her own rap parts and she delivered in black dress. Not only that yeeun’s recent performances actually rivals jennies stage presence, although the rest of clc not so much (cube has actually done such a shit job of promoting clc until this recent black dress era that they are pretty much in the same boat as blackpink in terms of experience). But the thing is that jennie and lisa, especially lisa has such great flow that i think if given the chance they could actually pull it off.

The whole part about them ‘not being cutesy or girly’ is so untrue. First of all there is absolutely nothing wrong with being cutesy or girly, but blackpink not being cutesy or girly is very untrue. Then there are people calling them ‘edgy’, yeah no. they are not edgy, 2ne1 was edgy, blackpink is not and they don’t have to be. I think the image that makes them so cool and hot is their image of the hot, cool rich kid prep school girl vibe. It’s actually so hot (lol you see what i did there). It’s that whole ‘I’m pretty, rich and a little bit of a b*tch’ (not that i don’t mean b*tch as a bad thing, literally any woman that has attitude, ambition or zeal is kind of labelled as a b*tch) and the ‘i’m cooler than all of you combined’. It makes you feel like a queen, in a different way than 2ne1, but still makes you feel empowered.

The main thing to take away is that yeah they are cool, and interesting but they really haven’t been given a chance to grow yet. Give them some more time. Next, stop putting them on a pedestal and bringing down other girl groups around them to make black pink look better, yeah they are a great girl group but they aren’t that special. at least not yet. if they weren’t from yg they would’ve been bashed to hell for being wannabes and would have had to prove themselves a lot more but on the other hand i guarantee they would’ve had more comebacks and songs by now.